murphy revision 60993
1%%$FreeBSD: head/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy 60993 2000-05-28 05:06:38Z hoek $ 2When things are going well, someone will inevitably 3experiment detrimentally. 4% 5If not controlled, work will flow to the competent 6man until he submerges. 7% 8The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. 9% 10The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found 11in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. 12% 13It is impossible to build a fool proof system; 14because fools are so ingenious. 15% 16Talent in staff work or sales will continually be 17interpreted as managerial ability. 18% 19Information travels more surely to those with a 20lesser need to know. 21% 22The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his 23subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. 24% 25An original idea can never emerge from committee 26in its original form. 27% 28No good deed goes unpunished. 29% 30When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system 31will perform perfectly. 32% 33Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce 34multiple interpretations. 35% 36The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by 37the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. 38% 39On successive charts of the same organization, the number of 40boxes will never decrease. 41% 42It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, 43but some people abuse the privilege. 44% 45Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment 46to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. 47% 48Success can be insured only by devising a defense against 49failure of the contingency plan. 50% 51Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. 52% 53Performance is directly affected by the perversity of 54inanimate objects. 55% 56Leakproof seals --- will. 57% 58Never offend people with style 59when you can offend them with substance. 60% 61Our customers' paperwork is profit. 62Our own paperwork is loss. 63% 64At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. 65% 66As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. 67% 68This space for rent. 69% 70The more directives you issue to solve a problem, 71the worse it gets. 72% 73Cop-out number 1. 74You should have seen it when I got it. 75% 76When you're up to your ass in alligators, it is 77difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary 78objective was to drain the swamp. 79% 80The road to hell is paved with good intentions 81and littered with sloppy analyses! 82% 83Self starters --- won't. 84% 85If the assumptions are wrong, 86the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. 87% 88The organization of any program reflects the organization 89of the people who developed it. 90% 91There is no such thng as a "dirty capitalist", 92only a capitalist. 93% 94Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. 95% 96The meek will inherit the earth 97after the rest of us go to the stars. 98% 99Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: 100welfare or warfare. 101% 102History proves nothing. 103% 104A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much 105technological roccoco. 106% 107A little humility is arrogance. 108% 109Interchangeable parts --- won't. 110% 111Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of 112faults is proportional to the number of viewers. 113% 114All American cars are basically Chevrolets. 115% 116A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not 117take place. 118% 119No experiment is ever a complete failure. 120It can always be used as a bad example. 121% 122Despite the sign that says "wet paint", 123please don't. 124% 125Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 126% 127People don't change; they only become more so. 128% 129I finally got it all together... 130but I forgot where I put it. 131% 132If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is 133because of something left out, rather than added. 134% 135There is always one more bug. 136% 137The big guys always win. 138% 139Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 140% 141Any sufficiently advanced technology is 142indistinguishable from magic. 143% 144It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 145% 146It is better to be part of the idle rich class 147than be part of the idle poor class. 148% 149Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. 150% 151For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. 152% 153If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough 154chances are someone else will do it for you. 155% 156Everybody's gotta be someplace. 157% 158Nature is a mother. 159% 160If you've got them by the balls, 161their hearts and minds will follow. 162% 163People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell 164them Benjamin Franklin said it first. 165% 166If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. 167% 168Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 169% 170Any given program cost more and take longer. 171% 172If a program is useful, it will be changed. 173% 174If a program is useless, it will be documented. 175% 176Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 177% 178The value of a program is proportional 179to the weight of its output. 180% 181Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! 182% 183Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability 184of the programmer who must maintain it. 185% 186Make it possible for programmers to write programs 187in english and you will find that programmers cannot 188write in english. 189% 190When more and more people are thrown out of work, 191unemployment results. 192% 193If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. 194% 195The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... 196carefully edited truth. 197% 198There are three ways to get things done: 199 (1) Do it yourself, 200 (2) Hire someone to do it, or 201 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 202% 203I think ... therefore I am confused. 204% 205A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 206% 207History repeats itself. 208that's one of the things wrong with history. 209% 21090% of everything is crud. 211% 212Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. 213% 214Those with the best advice offer no advice. 215% 216Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman. 217% 218Democracy is that form of government where 219everybody gets what the majority deserves. 220% 221If you're worried about being crazy, 222don't be overly concerned: 223If you were, you would think you were sane. 224% 225Pills to be taken in twos always come 226out of the bottle in threes. 227% 228Flynn is dead 229Tron is dead 230long live the MCP. 231% 232Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! 233% 234Real programmers don't number paragraph names 235consecutively. 236% 237If you're feeling good, don't worry, 238you'll get over it. 239% 240Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages 241of Cobol when they don't know any other language. 242% 243Definition of an elephant: 244A mouse built to goverment specifications. 245% 246Real programmers are kind to rookies. 247% 248Real programmers don't notch their desks for each 249completed service request. 250% 251You don't have to be crazy to work here 252but it sure helps!!!!!!! 253% 254Real programmers don't announce how many times the 255operations department called them last night. 256% 257A day without sunshine .... 258is like ... night! 259% 260Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, 261which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. 262% 263Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. 264% 265Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 266% 267Real programmers understand Pascal. 268% 269Real programmers know it's not operations' 270fault if their jobs go into "hogs". 271% 272Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the 273vending machines. 274% 275Real programmers punch up their own programs. 276% 277When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. 278% 279Real programmers have read the standards manual 280but won't admit it. 281% 282Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. 283% 284Real programmers don't dress for success unless 285they are trying to convince others that they are 286going on interviews. 287% 288Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before 289walkthroughs. 290% 291All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. 292% 293Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a 294matter of principle. 295% 296The final test is when it goes production ... 297w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... 298w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t 299w h e n i t g o e s p r o 300% 301Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will 302always seem tense and overworked. 303% 304Real programmers always have a better idea. 305% 306Anyone who follows a crowd will 307never be followed by a crowd. 308% 309Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and 310binary math in their heads. 311% 312Real programmers don't write memos. 313% 314Real programmers know what saad means. 315% 316Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated 317decible level. 318% 319Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. 320% 321Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP 322situations. 323% 324I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... 325I shuffle along with the lost. 326% 327Real programmers do not read books like 328"effective listening" and "communication skills". 329% 330Real programmers print only clean compiles, 331fixing all errors through the terminal. 332% 333The early worm deserves the bird. 334% 335Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! 336% 337All good things must come to an end. 338I want to know when they start! 339% 340A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell 341in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 342% 343Blessed are those who go around in circles, 344for they shall be known as wheels. 345% 346Never eat prunes when you are famished. 347% 348Keep emotionally active, 349cater to your favorite neurosis. 350% 351A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. 352% 353RACF is a four letter word. 354% 355You may be recognized soon. 356Hide! 357If they find you, lie. 358% 359You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill 360how hard? 361Hard enough to make water run uphill. 362% 363Avoid reality at all costs. 364% 365Program design philosophy: 366 367 Start at the beginning and continue until the end, 368 then stop. 369 -- Lewis Carroll 370% 371A closed mouth gathers no foot. 372% 373Only a mediocre person is always at their best. 374% 375Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 376% 377In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, 378the greater the confusion. 379% 380The first time is for love. 381The next time is $200. 382% 383Of two possible events, 384only the undesired one will occur. 385% 386The faster the plane, 387the narrower the seats. 388% 389If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. 390% 391If on an actuarial basis there is a 50 50 chance that 392something will go wrong, 393It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. 394% 395A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. 396% 397The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to 398save all of the parts. 399% 4001) Things will get worse before they get better. 4012) Who said things would get better? 402% 403If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. 404% 405There is a solution to every problem; 406the only difficulty is finding it. 407% 408Don't make your doctor your heir. 409% 410Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. 411% 412If there isn't a law, there will be. 413% 414If you don't like the answer, 415you shouldn't have asked the question. 416% 417Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 418% 419You can't expect to hit the jackpot 420if you don't put a few nickles in the machine. 421% 422Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man 423in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially 424not symbolically. 425% 426Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse 427proportion to their soundness and validity. 428% 429A short cut is the longest distance between two points. 430% 431If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. 432% 433If you know, you can't say. 434% 435The meek shall inherit the earth, 436but not its mineral rights. 437% 4381) You can't win 4392) You can't break even 4403) You can't even quit the game 441% 442When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 443% 444Common sense is not so common. 445% 446If we learn by our mistakes, 447I'm getting one hell of an education!! 448% 449Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the 450embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 451% 452Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation 453for being useful. 454% 455You will always find something in the last place you look. 456% 457The probability of anything happening is in 458inverse ratio to its desirability. 459% 460The first myth of management is that it exists 461the second myth of management is that success equals skill. 462% 463If it's good they will stop making it. 464% 465Inside every large program 466is a small program struggling to get out. 467% 468A memorandum is written not to inform the reader 469but to protect the writer. 470% 471Never insult an alligator 472until after you have crossed the river. 473% 474Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. 475% 476When your opponent is down, kick him. 477% 478The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of 479someone he can blame it on. 480% 481The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered 482side down is directly proportional to the cost of the 483carpet. 484% 485In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 486% 487Last guys don't finish nice. 488% 489Never admit anything. 490Never regret anything 491whatever it is, your not responsible. 492% 493If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. 494% 495When working toward the solution of a problem, 496it always helps if you know the answer. 497Provided of course you know there is a problem. 498% 499The usefulness of any meeting 500is in inverse proportion to the attendance. 501% 502The sun goes down just when you need it the most. 503% 504Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary 505drivel off the tv screen. 506% 507Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest 508number must happen. 509% 510No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after 511you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. 512% 513Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. 514% 515A disagreeable task is its own reward. 516% 517If things were left to chance, they'd be better. 518% 519The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk 520to the other end of the building. 521% 522Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. 523% 524A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, 525willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. 526% 527If a thing is done wrong ofter enough 528it becomes right. 529% 530People will buy anything that is one to a customer. 531% 532If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always 533manage to boot yourself in the posterior. 534% 535No one's life, liberty, or property are safe 536while the legislature is in session. 537% 538Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. 539% 540Bad news drives good news out of the media. 541% 542Just when you get really good at something, 543you don't need to do it anymore. 544% 545If facts do not conform to the theory, 546they must be disposed of. 547% 548Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. 549% 550When properly administered, vacations do not diminish 551productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing 552done, there is another week when your boss is away and you 553get twice as much done. 554% 555No matter what happens, there is always somebody 556who knew that it would. 557% 558The other line always moves faster. 559% 560Never eat at a place called moms, never play cards with a 561man named doc, and never lie down with a woman who has 562got more troubles than you. 563% 564To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. 565% 566When all else fails, read the instructions. 567% 568Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than 569you thought. 570% 571"Close" only counts in horseshoes, handgrenades and 572thermonuclear devices. 573% 574The lion and the calf shall lie down together, 575but the calf won't get much sleep. 576% 577If you fool around with a thing for very long you will 578screw it up. 579% 580It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, 581than to be coming up it. 582% 583A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10� fuse by blowing 584first. 585% 586Justice always prevails... 587three times out of seven. 588% 589If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, 590it needed replacing anyway. 591% 592I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, 593when you looked at it in the right way, did not become 594still more complicated. 595 -- Poul Anderson 596% 597Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath 598to the exact center. 599% 600No matter which direction you start, 601it's always against the wind coming back. 602% 603The repairman will never have seen a model quite like 604yours before. 605% 606Don't force it, 607get a bigger hammer. 608% 609When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, 610it will work perfectly. 611% 612Pity the poor egg; 613It only gets laid once in its life. 614% 615An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. 616A pessimist is a married optimist! 617% 618A pessimist is an optimist with experience. 619% 620Old programmers never die - they just abend. 621% 622The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, 623even in the wrong denomination. 624% 625Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet 626somebody moves the ends! 627% 628Just because you are paranoid 629doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. 630% 631An Irishman is not drunk as long as 632he can hang onto a single blade of grass 633and not fall off the face of the earth. 634% 635If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong 636equipment. 637% 638Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, 639some prefer to just gargle. 640% 641Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. 642(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) 643% 644Everybody should believe in something; 645I believe I'll have another drink. 646% 647Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. 648% 649Build a system that even a fool can use, 650and only a fool will use it. 651% 652Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. 653% 654It's always the wrong time of the month. 655% 656In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level 657of incompetence, and then remains there. 658% 659It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick 660up something from the floor while you get up. 661% 662You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash 663when the garbage truck is two doors away. 664% 665Misery no longer loves company 666nowdays it insists on it. 667% 668The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the 669strong, but that's the way to bet. 670% 671Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 672% 673There's never time to do it right, but there's always 674time to do it over. 675% 676On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone 677can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. 678% 679When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. 680% 681The more ridiculous a belief system, 682the higher probability of its success. 683% 684Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or 685fattening. 686% 687Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 688% 689It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 690% 691A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. 692% 693The ratio of time involved in work to time available for 694work is usually about 0.6 695% 696Remember the golden rule: 697Those that have the gold make the rules. 698% 699Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and 700knows it for he shall enjoy living. 701% 702Everything east of the San Andreas fault will evenutally 703plunge into the Atlantic ocean. 704% 705I finally got it all together ... 706but I forgot where I put it. 707% 708Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 709% 710Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, 711for he shall not be disappointed. 712% 713The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of 714an oncoming train. 715% 716Celibacy is not hereditary. 717% 718You can observe a lot just by watching. 719% 720If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, 721you will borrow it and 722you will break it. 723% 724Live within your income, 725even if you have to borrow to do so. 726% 727Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. 728% 729Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 730% 731To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. 732% 733An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 734% 735Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 736% 737A bird in the hand is dead. 738% 739A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 740% 741Never put all your eggs in your pocket. 742% 743If everything seems to be going well, 744you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. 745% 746If at first you don't succeed, 747blame it on your supervisor. 748% 749If more than one person is responsible for a 750miscalculation, no one will be at fault. 751% 752Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. 753% 754In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 755% 756When in doubt, mumble. 757When in trouble, delegate. 758When in charge, ponder. 759% 760Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! 761% 762Never argue with a fool, 763people might not know the difference. 764% 765You can't guard against the arbitrary. 766% 767People can be divided into three groups: 768Those who make things happen, 769Those who watch things happen and 770Those who wonder what happened. 771% 772I no longer get lost in the shuffle, 773I shuffle along with the lost. 774% 775The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. 776% 777You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without 778holding on. 779% 780In any household, junk accumulates to the the space 781available for its storage. 782% 783Don't stop to stomp on ants 784when the elephants are stampeding. 785% 786The longer the title the less important the job. 787% 788Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion 789if it did occur, will occur. 790% 791When you are right be logical, 792when you are wrong be-fuddle. 793% 794For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- 795and it is always wrong. 796% 797There are no winners in life: Only survivors. 798% 799When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 800% 801The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you 802get back. 803% 804You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. 805% 806The idea is to die young as late as possible. 807% 808No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. 809% 810It's better to retire too soon than too late. 811% 812A man should be greater than some of his parts. 813% 814If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. 815% 816Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. 817% 818Everything takes longer than you expect. 819% 820Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. 821% 822If you see that there are four possible ways in which a 823procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a 824fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 825% 826Things get worse under pressure. 827% 828Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional 829and employ faulty reasoning. 830% 831A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 832% 833Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 834% 835The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the 836time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. 837% 838If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 839% 840Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. 841% 842All things being equal, all things are never equal. 843% 844Even paranoids have enemies. 845% 846Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 847% 848Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet 849reached their level of incompetence. 850% 851If at first you don't succeed, try something else. 852% 853If you're coasting, you're going downhill. 854% 855Never tell them what you wouldn't do. 856% 857The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely 858proportional to the subject's true value. 859% 860Indifference is the only sure defense. 861% 862Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 863% 864Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. 865% 866If you want to get along, go along. 867% 868Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. 869% 870The easiest way to find something lost around the house 871is to buy a replacement. 872% 873Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always 874point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. 875% 876Make three correct guesses consectively and you will 877establish yourself as an expert. 878% 879It works better if you plug it in. 880% 881Quit while your still behind. 882% 883If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, 884you better wear work shoes. 885% 886It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is 887from the top. 888% 889Any line, however short, is still too long. 890% 891Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. 892% 893If you can't measure output then you measure input. 894% 895Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of 896approximate, additional assumptions. 897% 898Never be first to do anything. 899% 900The chief cause of problems is solutions. 901% 902The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 903% 904A little ignorance can go a long way. 905% 906Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. 907% 908Entropy has us outnumbered. 909% 910Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. 911% 912Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. 913% 914A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. 915% 916Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. 917% 918Go where the money is. 919% 920Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the 921water that keeps it green. 922% 923A stagnant science is at a standstill. 924% 925Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 926% 927For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. 928% 929Can't produces countercan't. 930% 931If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent 932of doing you good, you should run for your life. 933% 934When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty 935to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. 936% 937If you can't convince them, confuse them. 938% 939Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. 940% 941All general statements are false. (Think about it.) 942% 943If it happens, it must be possible. 944% 945Them what gets--has. 946% 947If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue 948digging. 949% 950If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote 951programs, then the first woddpecker that came along would 952destroy civilization. 953% 954People will believe anything if you whisper it. 955% 956A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick 957in the pants. 958% 959Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold 960of something else. 961% 962A theory is better than its explanation. 963% 964Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing 965worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 966% 967Nobody notices when things go right. 968% 969There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 970% 971Roses are red violets are blue 972I am schizophrenic and so am I 973% 974If anything can go wrong, it will. 975% 976If anything can't go wrong it will. 977% 978If muprhy's law can go wrong, it will. 979% 980If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in 981in the worst possible sequence. 982% 983After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle 984will repeat itself. 985% 986An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, 987and attacks the wounded. 988% 989Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. 990% 991No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody 992who knew it would. 993% 994Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 995% 996The hidden flaw never remains hidden. 997% 998(1) Everything depends. 999(2) Nothing is always. 1000(3) Everything is sometimes. 1001% 1002If you wait, it will go away 1003... having done it's damage. 1004If it was bad, it'll be back. 1005% 1006Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand 1007wrong answers. 1008% 1009Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune 1010moment. 1011% 1012When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the 1013world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. 1014% 1015In order for something to become clean, something 1016else must become dirty. 1017... but you can get everything dirty without getting 1018anything clean. 1019% 1020Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 1021% 1022The first place to look for anything is the last place 1023you would expect to find it. 1024% 1025You can always find what you're not looking for. 1026% 1027If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 1028% 1029It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly 1030suprised. 1031% 1032A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the 1033whole thing". 1034% 1035Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 1036% 1037When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 1038% 1039The time it talkes to rectify a situation is 1040inversely proportional to the time it took 1041to do the damage. 1042% 1043An optimist believes we live in the best of all 1044possible worlds. 1045A pessimist fears this is true. 1046% 1047You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 1048damnfoolproof. 1049% 1050It takes longer to glue a vase together than to 1051break one. 1052% 1053It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than 1054to gain 'x' number of pounds. 1055% 1056The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in 1057will be taken by the person in front of you. 1058% 1059The other line moves faster. 1060% 1061If you change lines, the one you just left will start 1062to move faster than the one you are now in. 1063% 1064The longer you wait in line, the greater the 1065likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. 1066% 1067The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out 1068lane. 1069% 1070Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a 1071need for them an hour later. 1072% 1073(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church 1074 attendance will be down. 1075(2) If the weather is extremely good, church 1076 attendance will be down. 1077(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply 1078 church attendance will exceed all expectations. 1079% 1080If a situation requires undivided attention, it will 1081occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. 1082% 1083The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the 1084greater the number of dead and injured required for it 1085to become a story. 1086% 1087The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the 1088more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of 1089the situation. 1090% 1091The further you are from the facts of a situation, 1092the more you tend to believe news coverage of the 1093situation. 1094% 1095The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal 1096the letter. 1097% 1098The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. 1099% 1100Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book 1101is in print. 1102% 1103The first page the author turns to upon receiving an 1104advance copy will be the page containing the worst 1105error. 1106% 1107(1) Never draw what you can copy. 1108(2) Never copy what you can trace. 1109(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 1110% 1111The best shots happen immediately after the last 1112frame is exposed. 1113% 1114The best shots are generally attempted through the 1115lens cap. 1116% 1117Any surviving best shots are ruined when someone 1118inadvertently open the darkroom door and all of the 1119dark leaks out. 1120% 1121If a three-story buiding served by one elevator, nine 1122times out of ten the elevator care will be on a floor 1123where you are not. 1124% 1125The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, 1126campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies 1127directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. 1128% 1129The distance to the gate is inversely proportional 1130to the time available to catch you flight. 1131% 1132As soon as the flight attendant serves the coffee, the 1133airliner encounters turbulence. 1134% 1135Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 1136% 1137Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will 1138come in on another one. 1139% 1140When travelling overseas, the exchange rate improves 1141markedly the day after one has purchased foreign 1142currency. 1143% 1144Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as 1145soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. 1146% 1147The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 1148% 1149For every action, there is an equal and opposite 1150criticism. 1151% 1152Authorization for a project will be granted only when 1153none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project 1154fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit 1155if it succeeds. 1156% 1157If an idea can survive a bureacratic review and be 1158implemented, it wasn't worth doing. 1159% 1160The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, 1161the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even 1162if it subsequently becomes irrevelant. 1163% 1164The higher the level of prestige accorded the people 1165behind the plan, the least less chance there is of 1166abandoning it. 1167% 1168In any organization there will always be one person 1169who knows what is going on. 1170This person must be fired. 1171% 1172It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 1173% 1174Far-way talent always seems better than home-developed 1175talent. 1176% 1177Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over 1178experience. 1179% 1180Some people manage by the book, even though they 1181don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 1182% 1183Don't let your superiors know you're better than 1184they are. 1185% 1186You never know who's right, but you always know 1187who's in charge. 1188% 1189(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 1190(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough 1191 facts. 1192(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. 1193% 1194The boss who attempts to impress employees with his 1195knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his 1196final objective. 1197% 1198You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you 1199don't burn your bridges until you come to them. 1200% 1201In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies 1202inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty 1203of the task. 1204% 1205The client who pays the least complains the most 1206% 1207A lack of planning on your part 1208does not constitute an emergency on my part. 1209% 1210I know you believe you understand 1211 what you think I said, 1212 however, I am not sure you realize, 1213 that what I think you heard 1214 is not what I meant 1215% 1216Real programmers don't eat muffins. 1217% 1218In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend 1219more and more time reporting on the less and less you 1220are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of 1221your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 1222% 1223Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for 1224a number and then give it back to them. 1225% 1226When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it 1227around instead of picking it up. 1228% 1229The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely 1230proportional to the number of other people who are in 1231a position to do it instead. 1232% 1233Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. 1234% 1235No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made 1236but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. 1237% 1238For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. 1239% 1240The inside contact that you have developed at great 1241expense is the first person to be let go in any 1242reorganization. 1243% 1244It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one 1245who's redundant. 1246% 1247Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 1248% 1249If you're early, it'll be cancelled. 1250If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will 1251 have to wait. 1252If you're late, you will be too late. 1253% 1254A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept 1255and the hours are lost. 1256% 1257If you leave the room, you're elected. 1258% 1259The cream rises to the top. 1260So does the scum. 1261% 1262You can never do just one thing. 1263% 1264There's no time like the present for postponing 1265what you don't want to do. 1266% 1267Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. 1268% 1269The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the 1270greater the chance of failure. 1271% 1272Simple jobs always get put off because there will be 1273time to do them later. 1274% 1275Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 1276% 1277A work project expands to fill the space available. 1278% 1279No matter how large the work space, if two projects 1280must be done at the same time they will require the 1281same part of the work space. 1282% 1283The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one 1284missing from the tool chest. 1285% 1286Most projects require three hands. 1287% 1288Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. 1289% 1290The more carefully you plan a project, the more 1291confusion there is when something goes wrong. 1292% 1293Murphy's rule for precision: 1294 Measure with a micrometer 1295 Mark with chalk 1296 Cut with an axe 1297% 1298You can't fix it if it ain't broke. 1299% 1300First rule of intelligent tinkering: 1301 Save all the parts 1302% 1303Access holes will be 1/2" too small. 1304Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. 1305% 1306If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company 1307will insist upon repairing the old one. 1308% 1309If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the 1310company will insist on the latest model. 1311% 1312The primary function of the design engineer is to make 1313things difficult for the fabricator and impossible 1314for the serviceman. 1315% 1316That component of any circuit which has the shortest 1317service life will be placed in the least 1318accessible location. 1319% 1320Any circuit design must contain at least one part which 1321is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three 1322parts which at still under development. 1323% 1324Important letters which contain no errors will develop 1325errors in the mail. 1326% 1327Office machines which function perfectly during normal 1328business hours will break down when you return to the 1329office at night to use them for personal business. 1330% 1331Machines that have broken down will work perfectly 1332when the repairman arrives. 1333% 1334Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick 1335them will stick to other things when you don't want 1336them to. 1337% 1338Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by 1339spontaneously moving from where you left them to where 1340you can't find them. 1341% 1342The last person who quit or was fired will be held 1343responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until 1344the next person quits or is fired. 1345% 1346If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you 1347don't want his the paper. 1348% 1349The one time in the day that you lean back and relax 1350is the one time the boss walks through the office. 1351% 1352Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. 1353% 1354When you do not know what you are going, do it neatly. 1355% 1356Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. 1357% 1358Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 1359% 1360(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 1361(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. 1362(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. 1363% 1364Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. 1365% 1366The quality of correlation is inversely proportional 1367to the density of control. 1368% 1369If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the 1370test only once. 1371% 1372If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two 1373data points. 1374% 1375Any technical problem can be overcome given enough 1376time and money. 1377% 1378You are never given enough time or money. 1379% 1380Unless the results are known in advance, funding 1381agencies will reject the proposal. 1382% 1383It is better to solve a problem with a crude 1384approximation and know the truth, than to demand an 1385exact solution and not know the truth at all. 1386% 1387An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful 1388than a complex, incompreshensible truth. 1389% 1390Anyone who make a significant contribution to any field 1391of endeavor and stays in that field long enough, 1392becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct 1393proportion to the importance of his original contribution. 1394% 1395If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will 1396become central to his theory. 1397 1398His theory, in turn, will become central to all 1399scientific truth. 1400% 1401There is no such thing as a straight line. 1402% 1403In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur 1404at the opposite end to the end at which you begin 1405checking for errors. 1406% 1407Only errors exist. 1408% 1409One man's error is another man's data. 1410% 1411To err is human, but to really foul things up requires 1412a computer. 1413% 1414When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. 1415% 1416Never test for an error condition you don't know 1417how to handle. 1418% 1419Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since 1420nobody listens. 1421% 1422People who love sausage and respect the law should 1423never watch either one being made. 1424% 1425No matter what they're telling you, they're not 1426telling you the whole truth. 1427% 1428No matter what they're talking about, they're 1429talking about money. 1430% 1431In any dealings with a collective body of people, the 1432people will always be more tacky than originally expected. 1433% 1434If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 1435theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. 1436% 1437Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. 1438% 1439When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, 1440responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. 1441% 1442When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough 1443the public will not have enough stake in any one 1444expenditure to squelch it. 1445% 1446When the government bureau's remedies do not match your 1447problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 1448% 1449A fool and your money are soon partners. 1450% 1451You may know where the market is going, but you can't 1452possibly know where it's going after that. 1453% 1454Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 1455% 1456Trial balances don't. 1457% 1458Working capital doesn't. 1459% 1460Liquidity tends to run out. 1461% 1462Return on investments won't. 1463% 1464If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. 1465% 1466Mass man must be serviced by mass means. 1467% 1468Everything is contagious. 1469% 1470Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. 1471% 1472The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake 1473that you've got it made. 1474% 1475An expert is anyone from out of town. 1476% 1477An expert is one who knows more and more about less 1478and less until he knows absolutely everything 1479about nothing. 1480% 1481To spot the expert, pick the one who perdicts the job 1482will take the longest and cost the most. 1483% 1484If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just 1485become the expert. 1486% 1487Indecision is the basis for flexibility. 1488% 1489Anything is possible if you don't know what you're 1490talking about. 1491% 1492Never create a problem for which you do not have 1493the answer. 1494% 1495Create problems for which only you have the answer. 1496% 1497A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 1498% 1499Hindsight is an exact science. 1500% 1501History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely 1502repeat each other. 1503% 1504Fact is solidified opinion. 1505% 1506Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. 1507% 1508Truth is elastic. 1509% 1510When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. 1511% 1512When in trouble, obfuscate. 1513% 1514Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is 1515wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing 1516a theory that is wrong with one that is more sublty wrong. 1517% 1518It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex 1519task to make them simple. 1520% 1521If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he 1522will find an easier way to do it. 1523% 1524Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or 1525exceeding the greatness of the idea. 1526% 1527Never attribute to malice that which is adequately 1528explained by stupidity. 1529% 1530New systems generate new problems. 1531% 1532Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. 1533% 1534Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. 1535% 1536Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. 1537% 1538The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. 1539% 1540A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of 1541a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. 1542% 1543People in systems do not do what the systems says 1544they are doing. 1545% 1546The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. 1547% 1548A complex system that works is invariably found to have 1549evolved from a simple system that works. 1550% 1551A complex system designed from scratch never works and 1552cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start 1553over, beginning with a working simple system. 1554% 1555(1) Everything is a system. 1556(2) Everything is part of a larger system. 1557(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward 1558 (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). 1559(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illuison 1560 of simplicity comes from focussing attention on 1561 one or a few variables). 1562% 1563Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. 1564% 1565If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students 1566you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. 1567% 1568Class schedules are designed so that every student will 1569waste the maximum time between classes. 1570% 1571Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll 1572show you somebdoy who's never achieved much. 1573% 1574When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's 1575sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. 1576% 1577When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, 1578they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of 1579the campus. 1580% 1581A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered 1582only during the semester following the desired course. 1583% 1584When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most 1585important ones will be illegible. 1586% 1587The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure 1588you are as to which answer they want. 1589% 159080% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture 1591you missed about the one book you didn't read. 1592% 1593The night before the english history mid-term, your 1594biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 1595% 1596Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else 1597to do except study for that instructor's course. 1598% 1599If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget 1600your book. 1601If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget 1602where you live. 1603% 1604At the end of the semester you will recall having 1605enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester 1606-- and never attending. 1607% 1608The one course you must take to graduate will not be 1609offered during your last semester. 1610% 1611The more general the title of a course, the less 1612you will learn from it. 1613% 1614The more specific the title of a course, the less you 1615will be able to apply it later. 1616% 1617The most valuable quotation will be the one for which 1618you cannot determine the source. 1619% 1620The source for an unattributed quotation will appear 1621in the most hostile review of your work. 1622% 1623When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does 1624not understand, his work will be understood only by 1625readers who know more about that subject than he does. 1626% 1627Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the 1628first ojbective of communication -- informing 1629the uninformed. 1630% 1631When a student asks for a second time if you have read 1632his book report, he did not read the book. 1633% 1634If daily class attendance is mandatory, a schedules 1635exam will product increased absenteeism. If attendance 1636is optional, a schedules exam will produce persons you 1637have never seen before. 1638% 1639Just because your doctor has a name for your condition 1640doesn't mean he knows what it is. 1641% 1642The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the 1643waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for 1644your scheduled appointment. 1645% 1646Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. 1647% 1648You never have the right number of pills left on the 1649last day of a prescription. 1650% 1651The pills to be taken with meals will be the least 1652appetizing ones. 1653% 1654Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. 1655% 1656If your condition seems to be getting better, it's 1657probably your doctor getting sick. 1658% 1659Beware of the physician who is great at getting 1660out of trouble. 1661% 1662A drug is that substance which, when injected into a 1663rat, will produce a scientific report. 1664% 1665Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, 1666(1) positive, or 1667(2) negative. 1668If both answers are the same, don't do the test. 1669% 1670The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. 1671% 1672The feasibility of an operation is not the best 1673indiciation for its performance. 1674% 1675A physician's ability is inversely proportional 1676to his availability. 1677% 1678There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't 1679stay on and that which won't come off. 1680% 1681Everbody wants a pain shot at the same time. 1682% 1683Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were 1684passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing 1685out sleeping pills. 1686% 1687An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his 1688own physician. 1689% 1690Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. 1691% 1692At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from 1693the aisle arrive last. 1694% 1695Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the 1696scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. 1697% 1698Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by 1699firing the coach. 1700% 1701The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. 1702% 1703A free agent is anything but. 1704% 1705Hockey is a game played by six good players and the 1706home team. 1707% 1708Whatever can go to New York, will. 1709% 1710Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, 1711he fades. Whenever your team trades away a usless 1712no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. 1713% 1714Never leave hold of what you've got until you've 1715got hold of something else. 1716% 1717A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or 1718her opposition. 1719% 1720The only way to make up for being lost is to make 1721record time while you are lost. 1722% 1723The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number 1724and experience of the people you have on board. 1725% 1726No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock 1727once you have reached the furthest point from port 1728the wind will die. 1729% 1730The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing 1731season draws nearer. 1732% 1733The least experienced fisherman always catches the 1734biggest fish. 1735% 1736The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater 1737the chance of having to stop at the fish market 1738on the way home. 1739% 1740The worse your line is tangled, the better is the 1741fishing around you. 1742% 1743The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. 1744% 1745The mountain looks closer than it is. 1746% 1747All trails have more uphill sections that they have 1748level or downhill sections. 1749% 1750The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. 1751% 1752All things being equal, you lose. 1753 1754All things being in your favor, you still lose. 1755% 1756Win or lose, you lose. 1757% 1758No matter where you go, there you are! 1759% 1760It always takes longer to get there than to get back. 1761% 1762If everything is coming your way, you're in the 1763wrong lane. 1764% 1765If you allow someone to get in front of you either: 1766(1) The car in front will be the last one over a 1767 railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting 1768 for a long, slow-moving train; or 1769(2) you both will have the same destination and the 1770 other car will get the last parking space. 1771% 1772If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two 1773new parking spaces right in front of the building 1774entrance. 1775% 1776When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn 1777green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. 1778% 1779A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise 1780deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. 1781% 1782The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional 1783to the length of the passing zone. 1784% 1785The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly 1786in front of your eyes. 1787% 1788If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the 1789tool to get it off. 1790% 1791If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house 1792will have it back-ordered. 1793% 1794If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing 1795in the first place. 1796% 1797When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you 1798becomes a hammer. 1799% 1800No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end 1801up covered with grease and motor oil. 1802% 1803When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used 1804interchangeably. 1805% 1806Automotive engine reparing law: 1807If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. 1808% 1809If you lived here you'd be home now. 1810% 1811If it's good, they discontinue it. 1812% 1813It the shoe fits, it's ugly. 1814% 1815(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 1816(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't 1817 fit anyway. 1818(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 1819(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it 1820 falls apart the first time you wear it. 1821% 1822The one you want is never the one on sale. 1823% 1824Anything labeled "new" and/or "improved" isn't. 1825% 1826The label "new" and/or "improved" means the price went up. 1827% 1828The label "all new," "completely new" or "great news" 1829means the price went way way up. 1830% 1831If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet 1832it's not $19.95. 1833% 1834ACF2 is a four letter word. 1835% 1836If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, 1837the price will be unreasonable. 1838% 1839A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will 1840self-destruct on the 61st day. 1841% 1842The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week 1843after you've made your purchase: 1844 1845(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 1846(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". 1847% 1848If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive 1849your order. 1850If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before 1851your angry letter reaches its destination. 1852% 1853The most important item in an order will no longer 1854be available. 1855% 1856During the time an item is on back-order, it will be 1857available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. 1858% 1859People will buy anthing that's one to a customer. 1860% 1861Security isn't. 1862% 1863Management can't. 1864% 1865Sale promotions don't. 1866% 1867Consumer assistance doesn't. 1868% 1869Workers won't. 1870% 1871Cleanliness is next to impossible. 1872% 1873Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any 1874function adequately. 1875% 1876The more expensive the gadget, the less often you 1877will use it. 1878% 1879The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the 1880more difficult it will be to open the package. 1881% 1882In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, 1883the most vital measurement will be illegible. 1884% 1885Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it 1886only makes it worse. 1887% 1888You are always complimented on the item which took the 1889least effort to prepare. 1890 1891Example: 1892 If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be 1893 complimented on the baked potato. 1894% 1895The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store 1896to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. 1897% 1898The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal 1899the greater the chance you guests will spend the entire 1900meal discussing other meals they have had. 1901% 1902Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and 1903for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. 1904% 1905The rotten egg will be the one you break into the 1906cake batter. 1907% 1908Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be 1909needed immediately thereafter for something else. 1910% 1911Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will 1912be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. 1913% 1914Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion 1915to time spent preparing it. 1916% 1917Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. 1918% 1919If you're wondering if you took the meat out to 1920thaw, you didn't. 1921% 1922If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot 1923plugged in, you did. 1924% 1925If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up 1926bread and eggs on the way home, you do. 1927% 1928If you're wondering if you have enough money to take 1929the family out to eat tonight, you don't. 1930% 1931The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on 1932the other side. 1933% 1934Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. 1935% 1936All break downs occur on the plumber's day off. 1937% 1938Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the 1939cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the 1940cost of a new washer by .75. 1941% 1942There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. 1943% 1944If it's clean, it isn't laundry. 1945% 1946A child will not spill on a dirty floor. 1947% 1948An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 1949% 1950Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly 1951refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate 1952for an audience. 1953% 1954A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public 1955area to loudly demonstrate new acquired vocabulary. 1956% 1957The probablility of a cat eating its dinner has 1958absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food 1959placed before it. 1960% 1961The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss 1962to go in or out is directly proportional to the number 1963and importance of your dinner guests. 1964% 1965The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of 1966junk food available. 1967% 1968If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, 1969there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If 1970you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. 1971% 1972How long a minute is depends on which side of the 1973bathroom door you're on. 1974% 1975The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely 1976with its price and directly with its ugliness. 1977% 1978If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch 1979it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. 1980% 1981If there are only two shows worth watching, they will 1982be on together. 1983% 1984The only new TV show worth watching will be cancelled. 1985% 1986The TV show you've been looking forward to all week 1987will be preempted. 1988% 1989Most people deserve each other. 1990% 1991Possessions increase to fill the space available for 1992their storage. 1993% 1994When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal 1995% 1996(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the 1997 door, fumbling for your keys. 1998 1999(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click 2000 of the caller hanging up. 2001% 2002People to whom you are attracted invariably thing you 2003remind them of someone else. 2004% 2005The one who snores will fall asleep first. 2006% 2007Never get excited about a blind date because of how 2008it sounds over the phone. 2009% 2010The love letter you finally got the courage to send 2011will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to 2012make a fool of yourself in person. 2013% 2014Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. 2015 2016Your own romantic gestures seem fooolish and clumsy. 2017% 2018The length of a marriage is inversely proportional 2019to the amount spent on the wedding. 2020% 2021The probablility of meeting someone you know increases 2022when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 2023% 2024If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember 2025you - the next time he's in need. 2026% 2027Virtue is its own punishment. 2028% 2029If you do something right once, someone will ask 2030you to do it again. 2031% 2032The one day you'd sell your soul for something, 2033souls are a glut. 2034% 2035The scratch on the record is always through the song 2036you like most. 2037% 2038Superiority is recessive. 2039% 2040Forgive and remember. 2041% 2042Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral 2043or fattening. 2044% 2045Anything good in life either causes cancer in 2046laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. 2047% 2048To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is 2049even more human. 2050% 2051Whatever happens to you, it will previously have 2052happened to everyone you know only more so. 2053% 2054He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. 2055% 2056Don't worry over what other people are thinking about 2057you. They're too busy worrying over what you are 2058thinking about them. 2059% 2060In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the 2061organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, 2062the Peter Principle, etc. 2063% 2064Law expands in proportion to the resources available 2065for its enforcement. 2066% 2067Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 2068% 2069There are some things which are impossible to know - 2070but it is impossible to know these things. 2071% 2072When we try to pick out anything by itself we find 2073it hitched to everything else in the universe. 2074% 2075If one views his problem closely enough he will 2076recoginize himself as part of the problem. 2077% 2078Anything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 2079% 2080Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 2081% 2082If several things that could have gone wrong have not 2083gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial 2084for them to have gone wrong. 2085% 2086The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to 2087try on a new shirt. 2088% 2089Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than 2090a wet dog. 2091% 2092The severity of an itch is inversely proportional 2093to the reach. 2094% 2095A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and 2096nobody minds if you exchange it. 2097% 2098The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. 2099% 2100Ignorance should be painful. 2101% 2102The first insurance agent was David - 2103he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. 2104% 2105King Arthur ran the first knight club. 2106% 2107Magellan was the first strait man. 2108% 2109If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are 2110either a nitwit or a repariman. 2111% 2112If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know 2113what people are undecided about. 2114% 2115No news is ... impossible. 2116% 2117Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... 2118you have to blow your nose. 2119% 2120A penny saved is ... not much. 2121% 2122He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. 2123% 2124It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. 2125% 2126If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. 2127% 2128There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. 2129% 2130Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to 2131lick it. 2132% 2133One place where you're sure to find the perfect 2134driver is in the back seat. 2135% 2136Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception 2137of discount-priced fruitcakes. 2138% 2139How do they know no two snowflakes are alike. 2140% 2141How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented. 2142% 2143To err is human, to forgive is divine -- 2144but to forget it altogether is humane. 2145% 2146"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer that watching 2147one overhead. 2148% 2149The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva 2150nuisance, espically if your're using the tunnel 2151as a darkroom. 2152% 2153Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. 2154% 2155Never argue with an artist. 2156% 2157When in doubt, don't muble, overexpose ... then mumble. 2158% 2159The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. 2160% 2161A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for 2162Christmas and spending them by Easter. 2163% 2164A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a 2165shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. 2166% 2167A budget is wondering why you should balance yours 2168if the government can not balance theirs. 2169% 2170A budget is trying to figure out how the family next 2171door is doing it. 2172% 2173A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber 2174has to make an emergency visit. 2175% 2176A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as 2177it did when you were first married. 2178% 2179A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because 2180it was marked down. 2181% 2182You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to 2183be an average consumer. 2184% 2185He who dies with the most toys wins. 2186% 2187A fool and his money soon go partying. 2188% 2189If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. 2190% 2191Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. 2192% 2193It is far better to do nothing that to do 2194something efficiently. 2195 -- Siezbo 2196% 2197The man who has no more problems is out of the game. 2198% 2199The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle 2200to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 2201% 2202A fool and his money are invited places. 2203% 2204All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. 2205% 2206The hand that rocks the craddle usually is attached 2207to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. 2208% 2209After winning an argument with his wife, 2210the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. 2211% 2212If opportunity came disguised as temptation, 2213one knock would be enough. 2214% 2215If there was any justice in this world, people would 2216occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. 2217% 2218Easy doesn't do it. 2219% 2220Most people want to be delivered from temptation but 2221would like it to keep in touch. 2222% 2223When a distinguised scientist states something is possible, 2224he is almost certainly right. When he states that 2225something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2226% 2227Everyone gets away with something. 2228No one gets away with everything. 2229% 2230Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure 2231% 2232Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. 2233% 2234Real programmers don't write COBOL. 2235COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. 2236% 2237I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. 2238% 2239Real programmers do not document. 2240Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or 2241object code. 2242% 2243Real programmers don't write specs -- users should 2244consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and 2245take what they get. 2246% 2247Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard 2248to write, it should be hard to understand. 2249% 2250Real programmers don't write apllications programs; they 2251program right down on the bare metal. Application 2252programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. 2253% 2254Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real 2255programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat 2256twinkies and szechwan food. 2257% 2258Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But 2259if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into 2260working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. 2261% 2262Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for 2263pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 2264% 2265Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real 2266programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they 2267were up all night. 2268% 2269Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no 2270programmers write in basic after age 12. 2271% 2272Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for 2273programmers who can't decide whether to write in 2274COBOL or Fortran. 2275% 2276Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport 2277that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is 2278O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work 2279in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle 2280of the machine room. 2281% 2282Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or 2283any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong 2284typing is for people with weak memories. 2285% 2286On a clear disk, you can seek forever. 2287% 2288Hollerith got us into this hole mess! 2289% 2290No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, 2291with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the 2292first. 2293% 2294When things are going well, something will go wrong. 2295When things just can't get any worse, they will. 2296When things appear to be going better you have overlooked 2297something. 2298% 2299If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of 2300change will exceed the rate of progress. 2301% 2302No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug 2303a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even 2304harder to find. 2305% 2306A carelessly planned project will take three times 2307longer than expected; a carefully planned project will 2308take only twice as long. 2309% 2310After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said 2311than done 2312% 2313If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 2314% 2315Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig 2316likes it! 2317% 2318Never argue with an idiot: People watching may not be able 2319to tell the difference. 2320% 2321Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. 2322% 2323The six steps of program management are: 2324(1) Wild enthusiasm 2325(2) Disenchantment 2326(3) Total confusion 2327(4) Search for guilty 2328(5) Punishment for the innocent 2329(6) Promotion of the non-participants 2330% 2331He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 2332the next freeway exit. 2333% 2334An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is 2335merely better organized and uses slides. 2336% 2337Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have 2338to do it himself/herself. 2339% 2340You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to 2341float on his back, you've really got something. 2342% 2343You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you 2344gotta suit up for them all. 2345% 2346People are promoted not by what they can do, but what 2347people think they can do. 2348% 2349Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your 2350own. 2351