1%%$FreeBSD: releng/11.0/usr.bin/fortune/datfiles/murphy 228909 2011-12-27 10:21:57Z dougb $ 2% 3(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 4(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough 5 facts. 6(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. 7% 8(1) Everything depends. 9(2) Nothing is always. 10(3) Everything is sometimes. 11% 12(1) Everything is a system. 13(2) Everything is part of a larger system. 14(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward 15 (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). 16(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illusion 17 of simplicity comes from focusing attention on 18 one or a few variables). 19% 20(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 21(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. 22(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. 23% 24(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church 25 attendance will be down. 26(2) If the weather is extremely good, church 27 attendance will be down. 28(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply 29 church attendance will exceed all expectations. 30% 31(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 32(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't 33 fit anyway. 34(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 35(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it 36 falls apart the first time you wear it. 37% 38(1) Never draw what you can copy. 39(2) Never copy what you can trace. 40(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 41% 42(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the 43 door, fumbling for your keys. 44 45(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click 46 of the caller hanging up. 47% 481) Things will get worse before they get better. 492) Who said things would get better? 50% 5180% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture 52you missed about the one book you didn't read. 53% 5490% of everything is crud. 55% 56A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing 57first. 58% 59A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will 60self-destruct on the 61st day. 61% 62A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. 63% 64A bird in the hand is dead. 65% 66A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber 67has to make an emergency visit. 68% 69A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because 70it was marked down. 71% 72A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for 73Christmas and spending them by Easter. 74% 75A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a 76shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. 77% 78A budget is trying to figure out how the family next 79door is doing it. 80% 81A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as 82it did when you were first married. 83% 84A budget is wondering why you should balance yours 85if the government can not balance theirs. 86% 87A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise 88deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. 89% 90A carelessly planned project will take three times 91longer than expected; a carefully planned project will 92take only twice as long. 93% 94A child will not spill on a dirty floor. 95% 96A closed mouth gathers no foot. 97% 98A complex system designed from scratch never works and 99cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start 100over, beginning with a working simple system. 101% 102A complex system that works is invariably found to have 103evolved from a simple system that works. 104% 105A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 106% 107A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 108% 109A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not 110take place. 111% 112A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the 113whole thing". 114% 115A day without sunshine .... 116is like ... night! 117% 118A disagreeable task is its own reward. 119% 120A drug is that substance which, when injected into a 121rat, will produce a scientific report. 122% 123A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 124 -- Klipstein 125% 126A fool and his money are invited places. 127% 128A fool and his money soon go partying. 129% 130A fool and your money are soon partners. 131% 132A free agent is anything but. 133% 134A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and 135nobody minds if you exchange it. 136% 137A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of 138a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. 139% 140A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. 141% 142A little humility is arrogance. 143% 144A little ignorance can go a long way. 145% 146A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much 147technological roccoco. 148% 149A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. 150% 151A man should be greater than some of his parts. 152% 153A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or 154her opposition. 155% 156A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept 157and the hours are lost. 158% 159A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick 160in the pants. 161% 162A penny saved is ... not much. 163% 164A pessimist is an optimist with experience. 165% 166A physician's ability is inversely proportional 167to his availability. 168% 169A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered 170only during the semester following the desired course. 171% 172A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, 173willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. 174% 175A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. 176% 177A short cut is the longest distance between two points. 178% 179A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public 180area to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary. 181% 182A stagnant science is at a standstill. 183% 184A theory is better than its explanation. 185% 186A work project expands to fill the space available. 187% 188Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than 189a wet dog. 190% 191Access holes will be 1/2" too small. 192Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. 193% 194ACF2 is a four letter word. 195% 196Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. 197% 198After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said 199than done 200% 201After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle 202will repeat itself. 203% 204After winning an argument with his wife, 205the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. 206% 207All American cars are basically Chevrolets. 208% 209All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. 210% 211All general statements are false. (Think about it.) 212% 213All good things must come to an end. 214I want to know when they start! 215% 216All things being equal, all things are never equal. 217% 218All things being equal, you lose. 219 220All things being in your favor, you still lose. 221 222Win or lose, you lose. 223% 224All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. 225% 226All trails have more uphill sections than they have 227level or downhill sections. 228% 229All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. 230% 231Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. 232% 233Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 234% 235An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his 236own physician. 237% 238An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, 239and attacks the wounded. 240% 241An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful 242than a complex, incomprehensible truth. 243% 244An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is 245merely better organized and uses slides. 246% 247An expert is anyone from out of town. 248% 249An expert is one who knows more and more about less 250and less until he knows absolutely everything 251about nothing. 252% 253An optimist believes we live in the best of all 254possible worlds. 255A pessimist fears this is true. 256% 257An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. 258A pessimist is a married optimist! 259% 260An original idea can never emerge from committee 261in its original form. 262% 263An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 264% 265An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 266% 267Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly 268refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate 269for an audience. 270% 271Any circuit design must contain at least one part which 272is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three 273parts which at still under development. 274% 275Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be 276needed immediately thereafter for something else. 277% 278Any given program costs more and takes longer. 279% 280Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 281% 282Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 283% 284Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion 285if it did occur, will occur. 286% 287Any line, however short, is still too long. 288% 289Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will 290be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. 291% 292Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. 293% 294Any technical problem can be overcome given enough 295time and money. 296 297You are never given enough time or money. 298% 299Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of 300approximate, additional assumptions. 301% 302Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of 303faults is proportional to the number of viewers. 304% 305Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath 306to the exact center. 307% 308Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. 309% 310Anyone who follows a crowd will 311never be followed by a crowd. 312% 313Anything good in life either causes cancer in 314laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. 315% 316Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. 317% 318Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. 319% 320Anything is possible if you don't know what you're 321talking about. 322% 323Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 324% 325Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than 326you thought. 327% 328As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. 329% 330Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. 331% 332Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 333% 334At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from 335the aisle arrive last. 336% 337At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. 338% 339At the end of the semester you will recall having 340enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester 341-- and never attending. 342% 343Authorization for a project will be granted only when 344none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project 345fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit 346if it succeeds. 347% 348Automotive engine repairing law: 349If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. 350% 351Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 352% 353Bad news drives good news out of the media. 354% 355Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always 356point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. 357% 358Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. 359% 360Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, 361(1) positive, or 362(2) negative. 363If both answers are the same, don't do the test. 364% 365Beware of the physician who is great at getting 366out of trouble. 367% 368Blessed are those who go around in circles, 369for they shall be known as wheels. 370% 371Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, 372for he shall not be disappointed. 373% 374Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and 375knows it for he shall enjoy living. 376% 377Build a system that even a fool can use, 378and only a fool will use it. 379% 380Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. 381% 382Can't produces countercan't. 383% 384Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: 385welfare or warfare. 386% 387Celibacy is not hereditary. 388% 389Class schedules are designed so that every student will 390waste the maximum time between classes. 391% 392Cleanliness is next to impossible. 393% 394Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce 395multiple interpretations. 396% 397"Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and 398thermonuclear devices. 399% 400Common sense is not so common. 401% 402Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand 403wrong answers. 404% 405Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. 406% 407Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. 408% 409Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for 410a number and then give it back to them. 411% 412Consumer assistance doesn't. 413% 414Cop-out number 1. 415You should have seen it when I got it. 416% 417Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the 418cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the 419cost of a new washer by .75. 420% 421Create problems for which only you have the answer. 422% 423Definition of an elephant: 424A mouse built to government specifications. 425% 426Democracy is that form of government where 427everybody gets what the majority deserves. 428% 429Despite the sign that says "wet paint", 430please don't. 431% 432Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 433% 434Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. 435% 436Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. 437% 438Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. 439% 440Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. 441% 442Don't force it, 443get a bigger hammer. 444% 445Don't let your superiors know you're better than 446they are. 447% 448Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. 449% 450Don't make your doctor your heir. 451% 452Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! 453% 454Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. 455% 456Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your 457own. 458% 459Don't stop to stomp on ants 460when the elephants are stampeding. 461% 462During the time an item is on back-order, it will be 463available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. 464% 465Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. 466% 467Easy doesn't do it. 468% 469Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing 470worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 471% 472Entropy has us outnumbered. 473% 474Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick 475them will stick to other things when you don't want 476them to. 477% 478Even paranoids have enemies. 479% 480Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. 481% 482Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or 483exceeding the greatness of the idea. 484% 485Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. 486% 487Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since 488nobody listens. 489% 490Everybody wants a pain shot at the same time. 491% 492Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were 493passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing 494out sleeping pills. 495% 496Everybody's gotta be someplace. 497% 498Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment 499to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. 500% 501Everyone gets away with something. 502No one gets away with everything. 503% 504Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. 505% 506Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually 507plunge into the Atlantic ocean. 508% 509Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. 510% 511Everything is contagious. 512% 513Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. 514(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) 515% 516Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 517% 518Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. 519% 520Everything takes longer than you expect. 521% 522Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the 523scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. 524% 525Fact is solidified opinion. 526% 527Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. 528% 529Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed 530talent. 531% 532Flynn is dead 533Tron is dead 534long live the MCP. 535% 536Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. 537% 538For every action, there is an equal and opposite 539criticism. 540% 541For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. 542% 543For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. 544% 545For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- 546and it is always wrong. 547% 548For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. 549% 550Forgive and remember. 551% 552Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse 553proportion to their soundness and validity. 554% 555Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 556% 557Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the 558embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 559% 560Go where the money is. 561% 562He who dies with the most toys wins. 563% 564He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 565the next freeway exit. 566% 567He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. 568% 569He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. 570% 571Hindsight is an exact science. 572% 573History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely 574repeat each other. 575% 576History proves nothing. 577% 578History repeats itself. 579that's one of the things wrong with history. 580% 581Hockey is a game played by six good players and the 582home team. 583% 584Hollerith got us into this hole mess! 585% 586Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. 587% 588How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented? 589% 590How do they know no two snowflakes are alike? 591% 592How long a minute is depends on which side of the 593bathroom door you're on. 594% 595I can only please one person per day. 596Today is not your day. 597(Tomorrow isn't looking good either.) 598% 599I finally got it all together... 600but I forgot where I put it. 601% 602I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. 603% 604I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, 605when you looked at it in the right way, did not become 606still more complicated. 607 -- Poul Anderson 608% 609I know you believe you understand 610 what you think I said, 611 however, I am not sure you realize, 612 that what I think you heard 613 is not what I meant 614% 615I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... 616I shuffle along with the lost. 617% 618I think ... therefore I am confused. 619% 620If a program is useful, it will be changed. 621% 622If a program is useless, it will be documented. 623% 624If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will 625become central to his theory. 626 627His theory, in turn, will become central to all 628scientific truth. 629% 630If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in 631the worst possible sequence. 632% 633If a situation requires undivided attention, it will 634occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. 635% 636If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two 637data points. 638% 639If a thing is done wrong often enough 640it becomes right. 641% 642If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong 643equipment. 644% 645If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be 646implemented, it wasn't worth doing. 647% 648If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet 649it's not $19.95. 650% 651If anything can go wrong, it will. 652% 653If anything can't go wrong it will. 654% 655If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. 656% 657If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. 658% 659If at first you don't succeed, try something else. 660% 661If at first you don't succeed, 662blame it on your supervisor. 663% 664If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled 665exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance 666is optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you 667have never seen before. 668% 669If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. 670% 671If everything is coming your way, you're in the 672wrong lane. 673% 674If everything seems to be going well, 675you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. 676% 677If facts do not conform to the theory, 678they must be disposed of. 679% 680If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. 681% 682If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, 683you will borrow it and 684you will break it. 685% 686If it happens, it must be possible. 687% 688If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, 689it needed replacing anyway. 690% 691If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just 692become the expert. 693% 694If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know 695what people are undecided about. 696% 697If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company 698will insist upon repairing the old one. 699% 700If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the 701company will insist on the latest model. 702% 703If it's clean, it isn't laundry. 704% 705If it's good, they discontinue it. 706% 707If it's good they will stop making it. 708% 709If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 710% 711If more than one person is responsible for a 712miscalculation, no one will be at fault. 713% 714If Murphy's law can go wrong, it will. 715% 716If not controlled, work will flow to the competent 717man until he submerges. 718% 719If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that 720something will go wrong, 721It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. 722% 723If one views his problem closely enough he will 724recognize himself as part of the problem. 725% 726If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, 727the price will be unreasonable. 728% 729If opportunity came disguised as temptation, 730one knock would be enough. 731% 732If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of 733change will exceed the rate of progress. 734% 735If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the 736test only once. 737% 738If several things that could have gone wrong have not 739gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial 740for them to have gone wrong. 741% 742If the assumptions are wrong, 743the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. 744% 745If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students 746you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. 747% 748If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing 749in the first place. 750% 751If there are only two shows worth watching, they will 752be on together. 753% 754If there isn't a law, there will be. 755% 756If there was any justice in this world, people would 757occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. 758% 759If things were left to chance, they'd be better. 760% 761If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 762 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 763% 764If we learn by our mistakes, 765I'm getting one hell of an education!! 766% 767If you allow someone to get in front of you either: 768(1) The car in front will be the last one over a 769 railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting 770 for a long, slow-moving train; or 771(2) you both will have the same destination and the 772 other car will get the last parking space. 773% 774If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue 775digging. 776% 777If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget 778your book. 779If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget 780where you live. 781% 782If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, 783there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If 784you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. 785% 786If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house 787will have it back-ordered. 788% 789If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the 790tool to get it off. 791% 792If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 793theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. 794% 795If you can't convince them, confuse them. 796% 797If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. 798% 799If you can't measure output then you measure input. 800% 801If you change lines, the one you just left will start 802to move faster than the one you are now in. 803% 804If you do something right once, someone will ask 805you to do it again. 806% 807If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 808% 809If you don't like the answer, 810you shouldn't have asked the question. 811% 812If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. 813% 814If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive 815your order. 816If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before 817your angry letter reaches its destination. 818% 819If you fool around with a thing for very long you will 820screw it up. 821% 822If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he 823will find an easier way to do it. 824% 825If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. 826% 827If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough 828chances are someone else will do it for you. 829% 830If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. 831% 832If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two 833new parking spaces right in front of the building 834entrance. 835% 836If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch 837it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. 838% 839If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember 840you - the next time he's in need. 841% 842If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always 843manage to boot yourself in the posterior. 844% 845If you know, you can't say. 846% 847If you leave the room, you're elected. 848% 849If you lived here you'd be home now. 850% 851If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, 852you better wear work shoes. 853% 854If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent 855of doing you good, you should run for your life. 856% 857If you see that there are four possible ways in which a 858procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a 859fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 860% 861If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are 862either a nitwit or a repairman. 863% 864If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. 865% 866If you wait, it will go away 867... having done it's damage. 868If it was bad, it'll be back. 869% 870If you want to get along, go along. 871% 872If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. 873% 874If your condition seems to be getting better, it's 875probably your doctor getting sick. 876% 877If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is 878because of something left out, rather than added. 879% 880If you're coasting, you're going downhill. 881% 882If you're early, it'll be canceled. 883If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will 884 have to wait. 885If you're late, you will be too late. 886% 887If you're feeling good, don't worry, 888you'll get over it. 889% 890If you're wondering if you have enough money to take 891the family out to eat tonight, you don't. 892% 893If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot 894plugged in, you did. 895% 896If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up 897bread and eggs on the way home, you do. 898% 899If you're wondering if you took the meat out to 900thaw, you didn't. 901% 902If you're worried about being crazy, 903don't be overly concerned: 904If you were, you would think you were sane. 905% 906If you've got them by the balls, 907their hearts and minds will follow. 908% 909Ignorance should be painful. 910% 911Important letters which contain no errors will develop 912errors in the mail. 913% 914In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the 915organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, 916the Peter Principle, etc. 917% 918In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, 919the most vital measurement will be illegible. 920% 921In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, 922the greater the confusion. 923% 924In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies 925inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty 926of the task. 927% 928In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine 929times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor 930where you are not. 931% 932In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend 933more and more time reporting on the less and less you 934are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of 935your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 936% 937In any dealings with a collective body of people, the 938people will always be more tacky than originally expected. 939% 940In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level 941of incompetence, and then remains there. 942% 943In any household, junk accumulates to the space 944available for its storage. 945% 946In any organization there will always be one person 947who knows what is going on. 948This person must be fired. 949% 950In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur 951at the opposite end to the end at which you begin 952checking for errors. 953% 954In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 955% 956In order for something to become clean, something 957else must become dirty. 958... but you can get everything dirty without getting 959anything clean. 960% 961In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 962% 963Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 964% 965Indecision is the basis for flexibility. 966% 967Indifference is the only sure defense. 968% 969Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. 970% 971Information travels more surely to those with a 972lesser need to know. 973% 974Inside every large program 975is a small program struggling to get out. 976% 977Interchangeable parts --- won't. 978% 979It always takes longer to get there than to get back. 980% 981It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick 982up something from the floor while you get up. 983% 984It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex 985task to make them simple. 986% 987It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, 988than to be coming up it. 989% 990It is better to be part of the idle rich class 991than be part of the idle poor class. 992% 993It is better to solve a problem with a crude 994approximation and know the truth, than to demand an 995exact solution and not know the truth at all. 996% 997It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 998% 999It is far better to do nothing than to do 1000something efficiently. 1001 -- Siezbo 1002% 1003It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly 1004surprised. 1005% 1006It is impossible to build a fool proof system; 1007because fools are so ingenious. 1008% 1009It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, 1010but some people abuse the privilege. 1011% 1012It takes longer to glue a vase together than to 1013break one. 1014% 1015It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than 1016to gain 'x' number of pounds. 1017% 1018It the shoe fits, it's ugly. 1019% 1020It works better if you plug it in. 1021% 1022It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. 1023% 1024It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 1025 -- Alex Clark 1026% 1027It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is 1028from the top. 1029% 1030It's better to retire too soon than too late. 1031% 1032It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one 1033who's redundant. 1034% 1035Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet 1036somebody moves the ends! 1037% 1038Just because you are paranoid 1039doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. 1040% 1041Just because your doctor has a name for your condition 1042doesn't mean he knows what it is. 1043% 1044Just when you get really good at something, 1045you don't need to do it anymore. 1046% 1047Justice always prevails... 1048three times out of seven. 1049% 1050Keep emotionally active, 1051cater to your favorite neurosis. 1052% 1053King Arthur ran the first knight club. 1054% 1055Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... 1056you have to blow your nose. 1057% 1058Law expands in proportion to the resources available 1059for its enforcement. 1060% 1061Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. 1062% 1063Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! 1064% 1065Leakproof seals --- will. 1066% 1067Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. 1068% 1069Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. 1070% 1071Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. 1072% 1073Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to 1074lick it. 1075% 1076Liquidity tends to run out. 1077% 1078Live within your income, 1079even if you have to borrow to do so. 1080% 1081Magellan was the first strait man. 1082% 1083Make it possible for programmers to write programs 1084in English and you will find that programmers cannot 1085write in English. 1086% 1087Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will 1088establish yourself as an expert. 1089% 1090Management can't. 1091% 1092Mass man must be serviced by mass means. 1093% 1094Misery no longer loves company 1095nowadays it insists on it. 1096% 1097Most people want to be delivered from temptation but 1098would like it to keep in touch. 1099% 1100Most projects require three hands. 1101% 1102Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any 1103function adequately. 1104% 1105Murphy's rule for precision: 1106 Measure with a micrometer 1107 Mark with chalk 1108 Cut with an axe 1109% 1110Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 1111% 1112Nature is a mother. 1113% 1114Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. 1115% 1116Never admit anything. 1117Never regret anything 1118whatever it is, you're not responsible. 1119% 1120Never argue with a fool, 1121people might not know the difference. 1122% 1123Never argue with an artist. 1124% 1125Never be first to do anything. 1126% 1127Never create a problem for which you do not have 1128the answer. 1129% 1130Never eat prunes when you are famished. 1131% 1132Never get excited about a blind date because of how 1133it sounds over the phone. 1134% 1135Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 1136 -- Erma Bombeck 1137% 1138Never insult an alligator 1139until after you have crossed the river. 1140% 1141Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold 1142of something else. 1143% 1144Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. 1145% 1146Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. 1147% 1148Never offend people with style 1149when you can offend them with substance. 1150% 1151Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. 1152% 1153Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 1154% 1155Never put all your eggs in your pocket. 1156% 1157Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. 1158% 1159Never tell them what you wouldn't do. 1160% 1161Never test for an error condition you don't know 1162how to handle. 1163% 1164Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig 1165likes it! 1166% 1167New systems generate new problems. 1168% 1169No experiment is ever a complete failure. 1170It can always be used as a bad example. 1171% 1172No good deed goes unpunished. 1173 -- Clare Boothe Luce 1174% 1175No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, 1176with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the 1177first. 1178% 1179No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. 1180% 1181No matter how large the work space, if two projects 1182must be done at the same time they will require the 1183same part of the work space. 1184% 1185No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after 1186you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. 1187% 1188No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end 1189up covered with grease and motor oil. 1190% 1191No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock 1192once you have reached the furthest point from port 1193the wind will die. 1194% 1195No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody 1196who knew it would. 1197% 1198No matter what happens, there is always somebody 1199who knew that it would. 1200% 1201No matter what they're talking about, they're 1202talking about money. 1203% 1204No matter what they're telling you, they're not 1205telling you the whole truth. 1206% 1207No matter which direction you start, 1208it's always against the wind coming back. 1209% 1210No news is ... impossible. 1211% 1212No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made 1213but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. 1214% 1215No one's life, liberty, or property are safe 1216while the legislature is in session. 1217% 1218No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug 1219a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even 1220harder to find. 1221% 1222Nobody notices when things go right. 1223% 1224Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. 1225% 1226Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 1227% 1228Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. 1229% 1230Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. 1231% 1232Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by 1233firing the coach. 1234% 1235Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. 1236% 1237Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have 1238to do it himself/herself. 1239% 1240Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception 1241of discount-priced fruitcakes. 1242% 1243Of two possible events, 1244only the undesired one will occur. 1245% 1246Office machines which function perfectly during normal 1247business hours will break down when you return to the 1248office at night to use them for personal business. 1249% 1250Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 1251% 1252Old programmers never die - they just abend. 1253% 1254On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone 1255can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. 1256% 1257On a clear disk, you can seek forever. 1258% 1259On successive charts of the same organization, the number of 1260boxes will never decrease. 1261% 1262Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it 1263only makes it worse. 1264% 1265One man's error is another man's data. 1266% 1267One place where you're sure to find the perfect 1268driver is in the back seat. 1269% 1270Only a mediocre person is always at their best. 1271% 1272Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. 1273% 1274Only errors exist. 1275% 1276Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune 1277moment. 1278% 1279Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. 1280 1281Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy. 1282% 1283Our customers' paperwork is profit. 1284Our own paperwork is loss. 1285% 1286People are promoted not by what they can do, but what 1287people think they can do. 1288% 1289People can be divided into three groups: 1290Those who make things happen, 1291Those who watch things happen and 1292Those who wonder what happened. 1293% 1294People don't change; they only become more so. 1295% 1296People in systems do not do what the systems say 1297they are doing. 1298% 1299People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 1300remind them of someone else. 1301% 1302People who love sausage and respect the law should 1303never watch either one being made. 1304% 1305People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell 1306them Benjamin Franklin said it first. 1307% 1308People will believe anything if you whisper it. 1309% 1310People will buy anything that is one to a customer. 1311% 1312Performance is directly affected by the perversity of 1313inanimate objects. 1314% 1315Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over 1316experience. 1317% 1318Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional 1319and employ faulty reasoning. 1320% 1321Pills to be taken in twos always come 1322out of the bottle in threes. 1323% 1324Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! 1325% 1326Possessions increase to fill the space available for 1327their storage. 1328% 1329Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability 1330of the programmer who must maintain it. 1331% 1332Program design philosophy: 1333 1334 Start at the beginning and continue until the end, 1335 then stop. 1336 -- Lewis Carroll 1337% 1338Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is 1339wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing 1340a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. 1341% 1342Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 1343% 1344Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary 1345drivel off the TV screen. 1346% 1347Quit while you're still behind. 1348% 1349RACF is a four letter word. 1350% 1351Real programmers always have a better idea. 1352% 1353Real programmers are kind to rookies. 1354% 1355Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, 1356which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. 1357% 1358Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a 1359matter of principle. 1360% 1361Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and 1362binary math in their heads. 1363% 1364Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP 1365situations. 1366% 1367Real programmers do not document. 1368Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or 1369object code. 1370% 1371Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the 1372vending machines. 1373% 1374Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before 1375walkthroughs. 1376% 1377Real programmers do not read books like 1378"effective listening" and "communication skills". 1379% 1380Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated 1381decibel level. 1382% 1383Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. 1384% 1385Real programmers don't announce how many times the 1386operations department called them last night. 1387% 1388Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard 1389to write, it should be hard to understand. 1390% 1391Real programmers don't dress for success unless 1392they are trying to convince others that they are 1393going on interviews. 1394% 1395Real programmers don't eat muffins. 1396% 1397Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real 1398programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat 1399Twinkies and szechuan food. 1400% 1401Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages 1402of Cobol when they don't know any other language. 1403% 1404Real programmers don't notch their desks for each 1405completed service request. 1406% 1407Real programmers don't number paragraph names 1408consecutively. 1409% 1410Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport 1411that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is 1412O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work 1413in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle 1414of the machine room. 1415% 1416Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. 1417% 1418Real programmers don't write applications programs; they 1419program right down on the bare metal. Application 1420programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. 1421% 1422Real programmers don't write COBOL. 1423COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. 1424% 1425Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no 1426programmers write in Basic after age 12. 1427% 1428Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or 1429any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong 1430typing is for people with weak memories. 1431% 1432Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for 1433programmers who can't decide whether to write in 1434COBOL or Fortran. 1435% 1436Real programmers don't write memos. 1437% 1438Real programmers don't write specs -- users should 1439consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and 1440take what they get. 1441% 1442Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will 1443always seem tense and overworked. 1444% 1445Real programmers have read the standards manual 1446but won't admit it. 1447% 1448Real programmers know it's not operations' 1449fault if their jobs go into "hogs". 1450% 1451Real programmers know what saad means. 1452% 1453Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real 1454programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they 1455were up all night. 1456% 1457Real programmers print only clean compiles, 1458fixing all errors through the terminal. 1459% 1460Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But 1461if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into 1462working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. 1463% 1464Real programmers punch up their own programs. 1465% 1466Real programmers understand Pascal. 1467% 1468Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure 1469% 1470Return on investments won't. 1471% 1472Roses are red violets are blue 1473I am schizophrenic and so am I 1474% 1475Sale promotions don't. 1476% 1477Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. 1478% 1479Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 1480% 1481Security isn't. 1482% 1483Self starters --- won't. 1484% 1485Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll 1486show you somebody who's never achieved much. 1487% 1488Simple jobs always get put off because there will be 1489time to do them later. 1490% 1491Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, 1492some prefer to just gargle. 1493% 1494Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book 1495is in print. 1496% 1497Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 1498% 1499Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and 1500for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. 1501% 1502Success can be insured only by devising a defense against 1503failure of the contingency plan. 1504% 1505Superiority is recessive. 1506% 1507Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. 1508% 1509Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. 1510% 1511Talent in staff work or sales will continually be 1512interpreted as managerial ability. 1513% 1514Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. 1515% 1516That component of any circuit which has the shortest 1517service life will be placed in the least 1518accessible location. 1519% 1520The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely 1521proportional to the subject's true value. 1522% 1523The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number 1524and experience of the people you have on board. 1525% 1526The best shots are generally attempted through the 1527lens cap. 1528% 1529The best shots happen immediately after the last 1530frame is exposed. 1531% 1532The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal 1533the letter. 1534% 1535The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... 1536carefully edited truth. 1537% 1538The big guys always win. 1539% 1540The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 1541% 1542The boss who attempts to impress employees with his 1543knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his 1544final objective. 1545% 1546The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered 1547side down is directly proportional to the cost of the 1548carpet. 1549% 1550The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely 1551proportional to the number of other people who are in 1552a position to do it instead. 1553% 1554The chief cause of problems is solutions. 1555 -- Eric Sevareid 1556% 1557The client who pays the least complains the most 1558% 1559The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the 1560more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of 1561the situation. 1562% 1563The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week 1564after you've made your purchase: 1565 1566(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 1567(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". 1568% 1569The cream rises to the top. 1570So does the scum. 1571% 1572The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by 1573the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. 1574% 1575The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. 1576% 1577The distance to the gate is inversely proportional 1578to the time available to catch your flight. 1579% 1580The early worm deserves the bird. 1581% 1582The easiest way to find something lost around the house 1583is to buy a replacement. 1584% 1585The faster the plane, 1586the narrower the seats. 1587% 1588The feasibility of an operation is not the best 1589indication for its performance. 1590% 1591The final test is when it goes production ... 1592w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... 1593w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t 1594w h e n i t g o e s p r o 1595% 1596The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the 1597time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. 1598% 1599The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly 1600in front of your eyes. 1601% 1602The first insurance agent was David - 1603he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. 1604% 1605The first myth of management is that it exists 1606the second myth of management is that success equals skill. 1607% 1608The first page the author turns to upon receiving an 1609advance copy will be the page containing the worst 1610error. 1611% 1612The first place to look for anything is the last place 1613you would expect to find it. 1614% 1615The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to 1616save all of the parts. 1617% 1618The first time is for love. 1619The next time is $200. 1620% 1621The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the 1622greater the number of dead and injured required for it 1623to become a story. 1624% 1625The further you are from the facts of a situation, 1626the more you tend to believe news coverage of the 1627situation. 1628% 1629The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, 1630the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even 1631if it subsequently becomes irrelevant. 1632% 1633The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached 1634to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. 1635% 1636The hidden flaw never remains hidden. 1637% 1638The higher the level of prestige accorded the people 1639behind the plan, the least less chance there is of 1640abandoning it. 1641% 1642The inside contact that you have developed at great 1643expense is the first person to be let go in any 1644reorganization. 1645% 1646The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in 1647will be taken by the person in front of you. 1648% 1649The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found 1650in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. 1651% 1652The last person who quit or was fired will be held 1653responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until 1654the next person quits or is fired. 1655% 1656The least experienced fisherman always catches the 1657biggest fish. 1658% 1659The length of a marriage is inversely proportional 1660to the amount spent on the wedding. 1661% 1662The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely 1663with its price and directly with its ugliness. 1664% 1665The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva 1666nuisance, especially if you're using the tunnel 1667as a darkroom. 1668% 1669The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of 1670an oncoming train. 1671% 1672The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. 1673% 1674The lion and the calf shall lie down together, 1675but the calf won't get much sleep. 1676% 1677The longer the title the less important the job. 1678% 1679The longer you wait in line, the greater the 1680likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. 1681% 1682The love letter you finally got the courage to send 1683will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to 1684make a fool of yourself in person. 1685% 1686The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of 1687someone he can blame it on. 1688% 1689The man who has no more problems is out of the game. 1690% 1691The meek shall inherit the earth, 1692but not its mineral rights. 1693% 1694The meek will inherit the earth 1695after the rest of us go to the stars. 1696% 1697The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the 1698waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for 1699your scheduled appointment. 1700% 1701The more carefully you plan a project, the more 1702confusion there is when something goes wrong. 1703% 1704The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the 1705greater the chance of failure. 1706% 1707The more directives you issue to solve a problem, 1708the worse it gets. 1709% 1710The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater 1711the chance of having to stop at the fish market 1712on the way home. 1713% 1714The more expensive the gadget, the less often you 1715will use it. 1716% 1717The more general the title of a course, the less 1718you will learn from it. 1719% 1720The more ridiculous a belief system, 1721the higher probability of its success. 1722% 1723The more specific the title of a course, the less you 1724will be able to apply it later. 1725% 1726The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure 1727you are as to which answer they want. 1728% 1729The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal 1730the greater the chance your guests will spend the entire 1731meal discussing other meals they have had. 1732% 1733The most important item in an order will no longer 1734be available. 1735% 1736The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. 1737% 1738The most valuable quotation will be the one for which 1739you cannot determine the source. 1740% 1741The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. 1742% 1743The mountain looks closer than it is. 1744% 1745The one course you must take to graduate will not be 1746offered during your last semester. 1747% 1748The one day you'd sell your soul for something, 1749souls are a glut. 1750% 1751The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store 1752to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. 1753% 1754The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. 1755% 1756The one time in the day that you lean back and relax 1757is the one time the boss walks through the office. 1758% 1759The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. 1760% 1761The one who snores will fall asleep first. 1762% 1763The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one 1764missing from the tool chest. 1765% 1766The one you want is never the one on sale. 1767% 1768The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. 1769% 1770The only new TV show worth watching will be canceled. 1771% 1772The only way to make up for being lost is to make 1773record time while you are lost. 1774% 1775The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 1776% 1777The organization of any program reflects the organization 1778of the people who developed it. 1779% 1780The other line always moves faster. 1781% 1782The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk 1783to the other end of the building. 1784% 1785The pills to be taken with meals will be the least 1786appetizing ones. 1787% 1788The primary function of the design engineer is to make 1789things difficult for the fabricator and impossible 1790for the serviceman. 1791% 1792The probability of a cat eating its dinner has 1793absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food 1794placed before it. 1795% 1796The probability of anything happening is in 1797inverse ratio to its desirability. 1798% 1799The probability of meeting someone you know increases 1800when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 1801% 1802The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss 1803to go in or out is directly proportional to the number 1804and importance of your dinner guests. 1805% 1806The quality of correlation is inversely proportional 1807to the density of control. 1808% 1809The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to 1810try on a new shirt. 1811% 1812The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle 1813to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 1814% 1815The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. 1816% 1817The ratio of time involved in work to time available for 1818work is usually about 0.6 1819% 1820The repairman will never have seen a model quite like 1821yours before. 1822% 1823The road to hell is paved with good intentions 1824and littered with sloppy analyses! 1825% 1826The rotten egg will be the one you break into the 1827cake batter. 1828% 1829The scratch on the record is always through the song 1830you like most. 1831% 1832The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake 1833that you've got it made. 1834% 1835The severity of an itch is inversely proportional 1836to the reach. 1837% 1838The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the 1839more difficult it will be to open the package. 1840% 1841The six steps of program management are: 1842(1) Wild enthusiasm 1843(2) Disenchantment 1844(3) Total confusion 1845(4) Search for guilty 1846(5) Punishment for the innocent 1847(6) Promotion of the non-participants 1848% 1849The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out 1850lane. 1851% 1852The source for an unattributed quotation will appear 1853in the most hostile review of your work. 1854% 1855The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional 1856to the length of the passing zone. 1857% 1858The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on 1859the other side. 1860% 1861The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of 1862junk food available. 1863% 1864The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, 1865even in the wrong denomination. 1866% 1867The sun goes down just when you need it the most. 1868% 1869The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. 1870% 1871The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, 1872campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies 1873directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. 1874% 1875The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his 1876subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. 1877% 1878The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing 1879season draws nearer. 1880% 1881The time it takes to rectify a situation is 1882inversely proportional to the time it took 1883to do the damage. 1884% 1885The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. 1886% 1887The TV show you've been looking forward to all week 1888will be preempted. 1889% 1890The usefulness of any meeting 1891is in inverse proportion to the attendance. 1892% 1893The value of a program is proportional 1894to the weight of its output. 1895% 1896The worse your line is tangled, the better is the 1897fishing around you. 1898% 1899The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. 1900% 1901The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you 1902get back. 1903% 1904Them what gets--has. 1905% 1906There are no winners in life: Only survivors. 1907% 1908There are some things which are impossible to know - 1909but it is impossible to know these things. 1910% 1911There are three ways to get things done: 1912 (1) Do it yourself, 1913 (2) Hire someone to do it, or 1914 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 1915% 1916There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't 1917stay on and that which won't come off. 1918% 1919There is a solution to every problem; 1920the only difficulty is finding it. 1921% 1922There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. 1923% 1924There is always one more bug. 1925% 1926There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 1927% 1928There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", 1929only a capitalist. 1930% 1931There is no such thing as a straight line. 1932% 1933There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. 1934% 1935There's never time to do it right, but there's always 1936time to do it over. 1937% 1938There's no time like the present for postponing 1939what you don't want to do. 1940% 1941Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 1942% 1943Things get worse under pressure. 1944% 1945This space for rent. 1946% 1947Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. 1948% 1949Those with the best advice offer no advice. 1950% 1951Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion 1952to time spent preparing it. 1953% 1954To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is 1955even more human. 1956% 1957To err is human, but to really foul things up requires 1958a computer. 1959% 1960To err is human, to forgive is divine -- 1961but to forget it altogether is humane. 1962% 1963To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. 1964% 1965To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. 1966% 1967To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job 1968will take the longest and cost the most. 1969% 1970Trial balances don't. 1971% 1972Truth is elastic. 1973% 1974Unless the results are known in advance, funding 1975agencies will reject the proposal. 1976% 1977Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man 1978in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially 1979not symbolically. 1980% 1981Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation 1982for being useful. 1983% 1984Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by 1985spontaneously moving from where you left them to where 1986you can't find them. 1987% 1988Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. 1989% 1990Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 1991% 1992"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer than watching 1993one overhead. 1994% 1995Whatever can go to New York, will. 1996% 1997Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will 1998come in on another one. 1999% 2000Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest 2001number must happen. 2002% 2003Whatever happens to you, it will previously have 2004happened to everyone you know only more so. 2005% 2006Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 2007% 2008Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. 2009% 2010When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, 2011it will work perfectly. 2012% 2013When a distinguished scientist states something is possible, 2014he is almost certainly right. When he states that 2015something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2016% 2017When a student asks for a second time if you have read 2018his book report, he did not read the book. 2019% 2020When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does 2021not understand, his work will be understood only by 2022readers who know more about that subject than he does. 2023% 2024When all else fails, read the instructions. 2025% 2026When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, 2027responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. 2028% 2029When in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble. 2030% 2031When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. 2032% 2033When in doubt, mumble. 2034When in trouble, delegate. 2035When in charge, ponder. 2036% 2037When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. 2038% 2039When in trouble, obfuscate. 2040% 2041When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. 2042% 2043When more and more people are thrown out of work, 2044unemployment results. 2045% 2046When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used 2047interchangeably. 2048% 2049When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough 2050the public will not have enough stake in any one 2051expenditure to squelch it. 2052% 2053When properly administered, vacations do not diminish 2054productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing 2055done, there is another week when your boss is away and you 2056get twice as much done. 2057% 2058When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. 2059% 2060When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most 2061important ones will be illegible. 2062% 2063When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it 2064around instead of picking it up. 2065% 2066When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 2067 -- Lynch 2068% 2069When the government bureau's remedies do not match your 2070problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 2071% 2072When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you 2073becomes a hammer. 2074% 2075When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system 2076will perform perfectly. 2077% 2078When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 2079% 2080When things are going well, someone will inevitably 2081experiment detrimentally. 2082% 2083When things are going well, something will go wrong. 2084When things just can't get any worse, they will. 2085When things appear to be going better you have overlooked 2086something. 2087% 2088When traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves 2089markedly the day after one has purchased foreign 2090currency. 2091 2092Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as 2093soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. 2094% 2095When we try to pick out anything by itself we find 2096it hitched to everything else in the universe. 2097% 2098When working toward the solution of a problem, 2099it always helps if you know the answer. 2100Provided of course you know there is a problem. 2101% 2102When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, 2103they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of 2104the campus. 2105% 2106When you are right be logical, 2107when you are wrong be-fuddle. 2108% 2109When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty 2110to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. 2111% 2112When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's 2113sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. 2114% 2115When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal 2116% 2117When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. 2118% 2119When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the 2120world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. 2121% 2122When your opponent is down, kick him. 2123% 2124When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn 2125green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. 2126% 2127Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, 2128he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless 2129no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. 2130% 2131Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a 2132need for them an hour later. 2133% 2134Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. 2135% 2136Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! 2137% 2138Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet 2139reached their level of incompetence. 2140% 2141Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the 2142water that keeps it green. 2143% 2144Workers won't. 2145% 2146Working capital doesn't. 2147% 2148Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the 2149first objective of communication -- informing 2150the uninformed. 2151% 2152You are always complimented on the item which took the 2153least effort to prepare. 2154 2155Example: 2156 If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be 2157 complimented on the baked potato. 2158% 2159You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without 2160holding on. 2161% 2162You can always find what you're not looking for. 2163% 2164You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to 2165float on his back, you've really got something. 2166% 2167You can never do just one thing. 2168 -- Hardin 2169% 2170You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill 2171how hard? 2172Hard enough to make water run uphill. 2173% 2174You can't expect to hit the jackpot 2175if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. 2176% 2177You can't fix it if it ain't broke. 2178% 2179You can't guard against the arbitrary. 2180% 2181You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. 2182% 2183You don't have to be crazy to work here 2184but it sure helps!!!!!!! 2185% 2186You may be recognized soon. 2187Hide! 2188If they find you, lie. 2189% 2190You may know where the market is going, but you can't 2191possibly know where it's going after that. 2192% 2193You never have the right number of pills left on the 2194last day of a prescription. 2195% 2196You never know who's right, but you always know 2197who's in charge. 2198% 2199You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to 2200be an average consumer. 2201% 2202You will always find something in the last place you look. 2203% 2204You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash 2205when the garbage truck is two doors away. 2206% 2207You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you 2208don't burn your bridges until you come to them. 2209% 2210You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you 2211gotta suit up for them all. 2212% 2213