murphy revision 174425
1%%$FreeBSD: head/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy 174425 2007-12-07 22:41:39Z dougb $ 2% 3(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 4(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough 5 facts. 6(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. 7% 8(1) Everything depends. 9(2) Nothing is always. 10(3) Everything is sometimes. 11% 12(1) Everything is a system. 13(2) Everything is part of a larger system. 14(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward 15 (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). 16(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illusion 17 of simplicity comes from focusing attention on 18 one or a few variables). 19% 20(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 21(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. 22(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. 23% 24(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church 25 attendance will be down. 26(2) If the weather is extremely good, church 27 attendance will be down. 28(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply 29 church attendance will exceed all expectations. 30% 31(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 32(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't 33 fit anyway. 34(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 35(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it 36 falls apart the first time you wear it. 37% 38(1) Never draw what you can copy. 39(2) Never copy what you can trace. 40(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 41% 42(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the 43 door, fumbling for your keys. 44 45(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click 46 of the caller hanging up. 47% 481) Things will get worse before they get better. 492) Who said things would get better? 50% 5180% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture 52you missed about the one book you didn't read. 53% 5490% of everything is crud. 55% 56A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing 57first. 58% 59A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will 60self-destruct on the 61st day. 61% 62A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. 63% 64A bird in the hand is dead. 65% 66A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber 67has to make an emergency visit. 68% 69A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because 70it was marked down. 71% 72A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for 73Christmas and spending them by Easter. 74% 75A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a 76shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. 77% 78A budget is trying to figure out how the family next 79door is doing it. 80% 81A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as 82it did when you were first married. 83% 84A budget is wondering why you should balance yours 85if the government can not balance theirs. 86% 87A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise 88deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. 89% 90A carelessly planned project will take three times 91longer than expected; a carefully planned project will 92take only twice as long. 93% 94A child will not spill on a dirty floor. 95% 96A closed mouth gathers no foot. 97% 98A complex system designed from scratch never works and 99cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start 100over, beginning with a working simple system. 101% 102A complex system that works is invariably found to have 103evolved from a simple system that works. 104% 105A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 106% 107A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 108% 109A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not 110take place. 111% 112A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the 113whole thing". 114% 115A day without sunshine .... 116is like ... night! 117% 118A disagreeable task is its own reward. 119% 120A drug is that substance which, when injected into a 121rat, will produce a scientific report. 122% 123A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 124% 125A fool and his money are invited places. 126% 127A fool and his money soon go partying. 128% 129A fool and your money are soon partners. 130% 131A free agent is anything but. 132% 133A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and 134nobody minds if you exchange it. 135% 136A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of 137a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. 138% 139A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. 140% 141A little humility is arrogance. 142% 143A little ignorance can go a long way. 144% 145A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much 146technological roccoco. 147% 148A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. 149% 150A man should be greater than some of his parts. 151% 152A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or 153her opposition. 154% 155A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept 156and the hours are lost. 157% 158A memorandum is written not to inform the reader 159but to protect the writer. 160% 161A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick 162in the pants. 163% 164A penny saved is ... not much. 165% 166A pessimist is an optimist with experience. 167% 168A physician's ability is inversely proportional 169to his availability. 170% 171A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered 172only during the semester following the desired course. 173% 174A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, 175willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. 176% 177A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. 178% 179A short cut is the longest distance between two points. 180% 181A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public 182area to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary. 183% 184A stagnant science is at a standstill. 185% 186A theory is better than its explanation. 187% 188A work project expands to fill the space available. 189% 190Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than 191a wet dog. 192% 193Access holes will be 1/2" too small. 194Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. 195% 196ACF2 is a four letter word. 197% 198Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. 199% 200After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said 201than done 202% 203After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle 204will repeat itself. 205% 206After winning an argument with his wife, 207the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. 208% 209All American cars are basically Chevrolets. 210% 211All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. 212% 213All general statements are false. (Think about it.) 214% 215All good things must come to an end. 216I want to know when they start! 217% 218All things being equal, all things are never equal. 219% 220All things being equal, you lose. 221 222All things being in your favor, you still lose. 223 224Win or lose, you lose. 225% 226All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. 227% 228All trails have more uphill sections than they have 229level or downhill sections. 230% 231All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. 232% 233Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. 234% 235Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 236% 237An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his 238own physician. 239% 240An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, 241and attacks the wounded. 242% 243An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful 244than a complex, incomprehensible truth. 245% 246An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is 247merely better organized and uses slides. 248% 249An expert is anyone from out of town. 250% 251An expert is one who knows more and more about less 252and less until he knows absolutely everything 253about nothing. 254% 255An optimist believes we live in the best of all 256possible worlds. 257A pessimist fears this is true. 258% 259An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. 260A pessimist is a married optimist! 261% 262An original idea can never emerge from committee 263in its original form. 264% 265An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 266% 267An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 268% 269Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly 270refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate 271for an audience. 272% 273Any circuit design must contain at least one part which 274is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three 275parts which at still under development. 276% 277Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be 278needed immediately thereafter for something else. 279% 280Any given program costs more and takes longer. 281% 282Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 283% 284Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 285% 286Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion 287if it did occur, will occur. 288% 289Any line, however short, is still too long. 290% 291Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will 292be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. 293% 294Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. 295% 296Any technical problem can be overcome given enough 297time and money. 298 299You are never given enough time or money. 300% 301Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of 302approximate, additional assumptions. 303% 304Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of 305faults is proportional to the number of viewers. 306% 307Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath 308to the exact center. 309% 310Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. 311% 312Anyone who follows a crowd will 313never be followed by a crowd. 314% 315Anything good in life either causes cancer in 316laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. 317% 318Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or 319fattening. 320% 321Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. 322% 323Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. 324% 325Anything is possible if you don't know what you're 326talking about. 327% 328Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 329% 330Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than 331you thought. 332% 333As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. 334% 335Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. 336% 337Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 338% 339At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from 340the aisle arrive last. 341% 342At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. 343% 344At the end of the semester you will recall having 345enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester 346-- and never attending. 347% 348Authorization for a project will be granted only when 349none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project 350fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit 351if it succeeds. 352% 353Automotive engine repairing law: 354If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. 355% 356Avoid reality at all costs. 357% 358Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 359% 360Bad news drives good news out of the media. 361% 362Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always 363point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. 364% 365Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. 366% 367Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, 368(1) positive, or 369(2) negative. 370If both answers are the same, don't do the test. 371% 372Beware of the physician who is great at getting 373out of trouble. 374% 375Blessed are those who go around in circles, 376for they shall be known as wheels. 377% 378Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, 379for he shall not be disappointed. 380% 381Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and 382knows it for he shall enjoy living. 383% 384Build a system that even a fool can use, 385and only a fool will use it. 386% 387Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. 388% 389Can't produces countercan't. 390% 391Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: 392welfare or warfare. 393% 394Celibacy is not hereditary. 395% 396Class schedules are designed so that every student will 397waste the maximum time between classes. 398% 399Cleanliness is next to impossible. 400% 401Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce 402multiple interpretations. 403% 404"Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and 405thermonuclear devices. 406% 407Common sense is not so common. 408% 409Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand 410wrong answers. 411% 412Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. 413% 414Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. 415% 416Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for 417a number and then give it back to them. 418% 419Consumer assistance doesn't. 420% 421Cop-out number 1. 422You should have seen it when I got it. 423% 424Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the 425cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the 426cost of a new washer by .75. 427% 428Create problems for which only you have the answer. 429% 430Definition of an elephant: 431A mouse built to government specifications. 432% 433Democracy is that form of government where 434everybody gets what the majority deserves. 435% 436Despite the sign that says "wet paint", 437please don't. 438% 439Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 440% 441Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. 442% 443Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. 444% 445Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. 446% 447Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. 448% 449Don't force it, 450get a bigger hammer. 451% 452Don't let your superiors know you're better than 453they are. 454% 455Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. 456% 457Don't make your doctor your heir. 458% 459Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! 460% 461Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. 462% 463Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your 464own. 465% 466Don't stop to stomp on ants 467when the elephants are stampeding. 468% 469During the time an item is on back-order, it will be 470available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. 471% 472Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. 473% 474Easy doesn't do it. 475% 476Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing 477worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 478% 479Entropy has us outnumbered. 480% 481Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick 482them will stick to other things when you don't want 483them to. 484% 485Even paranoids have enemies. 486% 487Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. 488% 489Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or 490exceeding the greatness of the idea. 491% 492Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. 493% 494Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since 495nobody listens. 496% 497Everybody wants a pain shot at the same time. 498% 499Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were 500passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing 501out sleeping pills. 502% 503Everybody's gotta be someplace. 504% 505Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment 506to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. 507% 508Everyone gets away with something. 509No one gets away with everything. 510% 511Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. 512% 513Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually 514plunge into the Atlantic ocean. 515% 516Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. 517% 518Everything is contagious. 519% 520Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. 521(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) 522% 523Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 524% 525Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. 526% 527Everything takes longer than you expect. 528% 529Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the 530scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. 531% 532Fact is solidified opinion. 533% 534Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. 535% 536Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed 537talent. 538% 539Flynn is dead 540Tron is dead 541long live the MCP. 542% 543Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. 544% 545For every action, there is an equal and opposite 546criticism. 547% 548For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. 549% 550For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. 551% 552For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- 553and it is always wrong. 554% 555For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. 556% 557Forgive and remember. 558% 559Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse 560proportion to their soundness and validity. 561% 562Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 563% 564Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the 565embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 566% 567Go where the money is. 568% 569Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 570% 571He who dies with the most toys wins. 572% 573He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 574the next freeway exit. 575% 576He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. 577% 578He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. 579% 580Hindsight is an exact science. 581% 582History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely 583repeat each other. 584% 585History proves nothing. 586% 587History repeats itself. 588that's one of the things wrong with history. 589% 590Hockey is a game played by six good players and the 591home team. 592% 593Hollerith got us into this hole mess! 594% 595Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. 596% 597How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented? 598% 599How do they know no two snowflakes are alike? 600% 601How long a minute is depends on which side of the 602bathroom door you're on. 603% 604I can only please one person per day. 605Today is not your day. 606(Tomorrow isn't looking good either.) 607% 608I finally got it all together... 609but I forgot where I put it. 610% 611I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. 612% 613I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, 614when you looked at it in the right way, did not become 615still more complicated. 616 -- Poul Anderson 617% 618I know you believe you understand 619 what you think I said, 620 however, I am not sure you realize, 621 that what I think you heard 622 is not what I meant 623% 624I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... 625I shuffle along with the lost. 626% 627I think ... therefore I am confused. 628% 629If a program is useful, it will be changed. 630% 631If a program is useless, it will be documented. 632% 633If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will 634become central to his theory. 635 636His theory, in turn, will become central to all 637scientific truth. 638% 639If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in 640the worst possible sequence. 641% 642If a situation requires undivided attention, it will 643occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. 644% 645If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two 646data points. 647% 648If a thing is done wrong often enough 649it becomes right. 650% 651If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong 652equipment. 653% 654If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be 655implemented, it wasn't worth doing. 656% 657If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet 658it's not $19.95. 659% 660If anything can go wrong, it will. 661% 662If anything can't go wrong it will. 663% 664If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. 665% 666If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. 667% 668If at first you don't succeed, try something else. 669% 670If at first you don't succeed, 671blame it on your supervisor. 672% 673If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled 674exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance 675is optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you 676have never seen before. 677% 678If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. 679% 680If everything is coming your way, you're in the 681wrong lane. 682% 683If everything seems to be going well, 684you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. 685% 686If facts do not conform to the theory, 687they must be disposed of. 688% 689If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. 690% 691If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, 692you will borrow it and 693you will break it. 694% 695If it happens, it must be possible. 696% 697If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, 698it needed replacing anyway. 699% 700If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just 701become the expert. 702% 703If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know 704what people are undecided about. 705% 706If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company 707will insist upon repairing the old one. 708% 709If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the 710company will insist on the latest model. 711% 712If it's clean, it isn't laundry. 713% 714If it's good, they discontinue it. 715% 716If it's good they will stop making it. 717% 718If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 719% 720If more than one person is responsible for a 721miscalculation, no one will be at fault. 722% 723If Murphy's law can go wrong, it will. 724% 725If not controlled, work will flow to the competent 726man until he submerges. 727% 728If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that 729something will go wrong, 730It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. 731% 732If one views his problem closely enough he will 733recognize himself as part of the problem. 734% 735If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, 736the price will be unreasonable. 737% 738If opportunity came disguised as temptation, 739one knock would be enough. 740% 741If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of 742change will exceed the rate of progress. 743% 744If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the 745test only once. 746% 747If several things that could have gone wrong have not 748gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial 749for them to have gone wrong. 750% 751If the assumptions are wrong, 752the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. 753% 754If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students 755you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. 756% 757If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing 758in the first place. 759% 760If there are only two shows worth watching, they will 761be on together. 762% 763If there isn't a law, there will be. 764% 765If there was any justice in this world, people would 766occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. 767% 768If things were left to chance, they'd be better. 769% 770If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 771% 772If we learn by our mistakes, 773I'm getting one hell of an education!! 774% 775If you allow someone to get in front of you either: 776(1) The car in front will be the last one over a 777 railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting 778 for a long, slow-moving train; or 779(2) you both will have the same destination and the 780 other car will get the last parking space. 781% 782If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue 783digging. 784% 785If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget 786your book. 787If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget 788where you live. 789% 790If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, 791there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If 792you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. 793% 794If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house 795will have it back-ordered. 796% 797If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the 798tool to get it off. 799% 800If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 801theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. 802% 803If you can't convince them, confuse them. 804% 805If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. 806% 807If you can't measure output then you measure input. 808% 809If you change lines, the one you just left will start 810to move faster than the one you are now in. 811% 812If you do something right once, someone will ask 813you to do it again. 814% 815If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 816% 817If you don't like the answer, 818you shouldn't have asked the question. 819% 820If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. 821% 822If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive 823your order. 824If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before 825your angry letter reaches its destination. 826% 827If you fool around with a thing for very long you will 828screw it up. 829% 830If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he 831will find an easier way to do it. 832% 833If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. 834% 835If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough 836chances are someone else will do it for you. 837% 838If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. 839% 840If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two 841new parking spaces right in front of the building 842entrance. 843% 844If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch 845it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. 846% 847If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember 848you - the next time he's in need. 849% 850If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always 851manage to boot yourself in the posterior. 852% 853If you know, you can't say. 854% 855If you leave the room, you're elected. 856% 857If you lived here you'd be home now. 858% 859If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, 860you better wear work shoes. 861% 862If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent 863of doing you good, you should run for your life. 864% 865If you see that there are four possible ways in which a 866procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a 867fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 868% 869If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are 870either a nitwit or a repairman. 871% 872If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. 873% 874If you wait, it will go away 875... having done it's damage. 876If it was bad, it'll be back. 877% 878If you want to get along, go along. 879% 880If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. 881% 882If your condition seems to be getting better, it's 883probably your doctor getting sick. 884% 885If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is 886because of something left out, rather than added. 887% 888If you're coasting, you're going downhill. 889% 890If you're early, it'll be canceled. 891If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will 892 have to wait. 893If you're late, you will be too late. 894% 895If you're feeling good, don't worry, 896you'll get over it. 897% 898If you're wondering if you have enough money to take 899the family out to eat tonight, you don't. 900% 901If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot 902plugged in, you did. 903% 904If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up 905bread and eggs on the way home, you do. 906% 907If you're wondering if you took the meat out to 908thaw, you didn't. 909% 910If you're worried about being crazy, 911don't be overly concerned: 912If you were, you would think you were sane. 913% 914If you've got them by the balls, 915their hearts and minds will follow. 916% 917Ignorance should be painful. 918% 919Important letters which contain no errors will develop 920errors in the mail. 921% 922In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the 923organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, 924the Peter Principle, etc. 925% 926In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, 927the most vital measurement will be illegible. 928% 929In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, 930the greater the confusion. 931% 932In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies 933inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty 934of the task. 935% 936In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine 937times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor 938where you are not. 939% 940In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend 941more and more time reporting on the less and less you 942are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of 943your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 944% 945In any dealings with a collective body of people, the 946people will always be more tacky than originally expected. 947% 948In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level 949of incompetence, and then remains there. 950% 951In any household, junk accumulates to the space 952available for its storage. 953% 954In any organization there will always be one person 955who knows what is going on. 956This person must be fired. 957% 958In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur 959at the opposite end to the end at which you begin 960checking for errors. 961% 962In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 963% 964In order for something to become clean, something 965else must become dirty. 966... but you can get everything dirty without getting 967anything clean. 968% 969In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 970% 971Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 972% 973Indecision is the basis for flexibility. 974% 975Indifference is the only sure defense. 976% 977Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. 978% 979Information travels more surely to those with a 980lesser need to know. 981% 982Inside every large program 983is a small program struggling to get out. 984% 985Interchangeable parts --- won't. 986% 987It always takes longer to get there than to get back. 988% 989It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick 990up something from the floor while you get up. 991% 992It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex 993task to make them simple. 994% 995It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, 996than to be coming up it. 997% 998It is better to be part of the idle rich class 999than be part of the idle poor class. 1000% 1001It is better to solve a problem with a crude 1002approximation and know the truth, than to demand an 1003exact solution and not know the truth at all. 1004% 1005It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 1006% 1007It is far better to do nothing than to do 1008something efficiently. 1009 -- Siezbo 1010% 1011It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly 1012surprised. 1013% 1014It is impossible to build a fool proof system; 1015because fools are so ingenious. 1016% 1017It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, 1018but some people abuse the privilege. 1019% 1020It takes longer to glue a vase together than to 1021break one. 1022% 1023It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than 1024to gain 'x' number of pounds. 1025% 1026It the shoe fits, it's ugly. 1027% 1028It works better if you plug it in. 1029% 1030It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. 1031% 1032It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 1033% 1034It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is 1035from the top. 1036% 1037It's better to retire too soon than too late. 1038% 1039It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one 1040who's redundant. 1041% 1042Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet 1043somebody moves the ends! 1044% 1045Just because you are paranoid 1046doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. 1047% 1048Just because your doctor has a name for your condition 1049doesn't mean he knows what it is. 1050% 1051Just when you get really good at something, 1052you don't need to do it anymore. 1053% 1054Justice always prevails... 1055three times out of seven. 1056% 1057Keep emotionally active, 1058cater to your favorite neurosis. 1059% 1060King Arthur ran the first knight club. 1061% 1062Last guys don't finish nice. 1063% 1064Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... 1065you have to blow your nose. 1066% 1067Law expands in proportion to the resources available 1068for its enforcement. 1069% 1070Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. 1071% 1072Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! 1073% 1074Leakproof seals --- will. 1075% 1076Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. 1077% 1078Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. 1079% 1080Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. 1081% 1082Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to 1083lick it. 1084% 1085Liquidity tends to run out. 1086% 1087Live within your income, 1088even if you have to borrow to do so. 1089% 1090Magellan was the first strait man. 1091% 1092Make it possible for programmers to write programs 1093in English and you will find that programmers cannot 1094write in English. 1095% 1096Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will 1097establish yourself as an expert. 1098% 1099Management can't. 1100% 1101Mass man must be serviced by mass means. 1102% 1103Misery no longer loves company 1104nowadays it insists on it. 1105% 1106Most people deserve each other. 1107% 1108Most people want to be delivered from temptation but 1109would like it to keep in touch. 1110% 1111Most projects require three hands. 1112% 1113Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any 1114function adequately. 1115% 1116Murphy's rule for precision: 1117 Measure with a micrometer 1118 Mark with chalk 1119 Cut with an axe 1120% 1121Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 1122% 1123Nature is a mother. 1124% 1125Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. 1126% 1127Never admit anything. 1128Never regret anything 1129whatever it is, you're not responsible. 1130% 1131Never argue with a fool, 1132people might not know the difference. 1133% 1134Never argue with an artist. 1135% 1136Never be first to do anything. 1137% 1138Never create a problem for which you do not have 1139the answer. 1140% 1141Never eat prunes when you are famished. 1142% 1143Never get excited about a blind date because of how 1144it sounds over the phone. 1145% 1146Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 1147% 1148Never insult an alligator 1149until after you have crossed the river. 1150% 1151Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold 1152of something else. 1153% 1154Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. 1155% 1156Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. 1157% 1158Never offend people with style 1159when you can offend them with substance. 1160% 1161Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. 1162% 1163Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 1164% 1165Never put all your eggs in your pocket. 1166% 1167Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. 1168% 1169Never tell them what you wouldn't do. 1170% 1171Never test for an error condition you don't know 1172how to handle. 1173% 1174Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig 1175likes it! 1176% 1177New systems generate new problems. 1178% 1179No experiment is ever a complete failure. 1180It can always be used as a bad example. 1181% 1182No good deed goes unpunished. 1183% 1184No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, 1185with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the 1186first. 1187% 1188No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. 1189% 1190No matter how large the work space, if two projects 1191must be done at the same time they will require the 1192same part of the work space. 1193% 1194No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after 1195you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. 1196% 1197No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end 1198up covered with grease and motor oil. 1199% 1200No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock 1201once you have reached the furthest point from port 1202the wind will die. 1203% 1204No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody 1205who knew it would. 1206% 1207No matter what happens, there is always somebody 1208who knew that it would. 1209% 1210No matter what they're talking about, they're 1211talking about money. 1212% 1213No matter what they're telling you, they're not 1214telling you the whole truth. 1215% 1216No matter which direction you start, 1217it's always against the wind coming back. 1218% 1219No news is ... impossible. 1220% 1221No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made 1222but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. 1223% 1224No one's life, liberty, or property are safe 1225while the legislature is in session. 1226% 1227No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug 1228a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even 1229harder to find. 1230% 1231Nobody notices when things go right. 1232% 1233Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. 1234% 1235Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 1236% 1237Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. 1238% 1239Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. 1240% 1241Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by 1242firing the coach. 1243% 1244Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. 1245% 1246Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have 1247to do it himself/herself. 1248% 1249Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception 1250of discount-priced fruitcakes. 1251% 1252Of two possible events, 1253only the undesired one will occur. 1254% 1255Office machines which function perfectly during normal 1256business hours will break down when you return to the 1257office at night to use them for personal business. 1258% 1259Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 1260% 1261Old programmers never die - they just abend. 1262% 1263On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone 1264can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. 1265% 1266On a clear disk, you can seek forever. 1267% 1268On successive charts of the same organization, the number of 1269boxes will never decrease. 1270% 1271Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it 1272only makes it worse. 1273% 1274One man's error is another man's data. 1275% 1276One place where you're sure to find the perfect 1277driver is in the back seat. 1278% 1279Only a mediocre person is always at their best. 1280% 1281Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. 1282% 1283Only errors exist. 1284% 1285Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune 1286moment. 1287% 1288Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. 1289 1290Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy. 1291% 1292Our customers' paperwork is profit. 1293Our own paperwork is loss. 1294% 1295People are promoted not by what they can do, but what 1296people think they can do. 1297% 1298People can be divided into three groups: 1299Those who make things happen, 1300Those who watch things happen and 1301Those who wonder what happened. 1302% 1303People don't change; they only become more so. 1304% 1305People in systems do not do what the systems say 1306they are doing. 1307% 1308People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 1309remind them of someone else. 1310% 1311People who love sausage and respect the law should 1312never watch either one being made. 1313% 1314People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell 1315them Benjamin Franklin said it first. 1316% 1317People will believe anything if you whisper it. 1318% 1319People will buy anything that is one to a customer. 1320% 1321Performance is directly affected by the perversity of 1322inanimate objects. 1323% 1324Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over 1325experience. 1326% 1327Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional 1328and employ faulty reasoning. 1329% 1330Pills to be taken in twos always come 1331out of the bottle in threes. 1332% 1333Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! 1334% 1335Possessions increase to fill the space available for 1336their storage. 1337% 1338Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability 1339of the programmer who must maintain it. 1340% 1341Program design philosophy: 1342 1343 Start at the beginning and continue until the end, 1344 then stop. 1345 -- Lewis Carroll 1346% 1347Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is 1348wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing 1349a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. 1350% 1351Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 1352% 1353Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary 1354drivel off the TV screen. 1355% 1356Quit while you're still behind. 1357% 1358RACF is a four letter word. 1359% 1360Real programmers always have a better idea. 1361% 1362Real programmers are kind to rookies. 1363% 1364Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, 1365which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. 1366% 1367Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a 1368matter of principle. 1369% 1370Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and 1371binary math in their heads. 1372% 1373Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP 1374situations. 1375% 1376Real programmers do not document. 1377Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or 1378object code. 1379% 1380Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the 1381vending machines. 1382% 1383Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before 1384walkthroughs. 1385% 1386Real programmers do not read books like 1387"effective listening" and "communication skills". 1388% 1389Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated 1390decibel level. 1391% 1392Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. 1393% 1394Real programmers don't announce how many times the 1395operations department called them last night. 1396% 1397Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard 1398to write, it should be hard to understand. 1399% 1400Real programmers don't dress for success unless 1401they are trying to convince others that they are 1402going on interviews. 1403% 1404Real programmers don't eat muffins. 1405% 1406Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real 1407programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat 1408Twinkies and szechuan food. 1409% 1410Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages 1411of Cobol when they don't know any other language. 1412% 1413Real programmers don't notch their desks for each 1414completed service request. 1415% 1416Real programmers don't number paragraph names 1417consecutively. 1418% 1419Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport 1420that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is 1421O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work 1422in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle 1423of the machine room. 1424% 1425Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. 1426% 1427Real programmers don't write applications programs; they 1428program right down on the bare metal. Application 1429programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. 1430% 1431Real programmers don't write COBOL. 1432COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. 1433% 1434Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no 1435programmers write in Basic after age 12. 1436% 1437Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or 1438any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong 1439typing is for people with weak memories. 1440% 1441Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for 1442programmers who can't decide whether to write in 1443COBOL or Fortran. 1444% 1445Real programmers don't write memos. 1446% 1447Real programmers don't write specs -- users should 1448consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and 1449take what they get. 1450% 1451Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will 1452always seem tense and overworked. 1453% 1454Real programmers have read the standards manual 1455but won't admit it. 1456% 1457Real programmers know it's not operations' 1458fault if their jobs go into "hogs". 1459% 1460Real programmers know what saad means. 1461% 1462Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real 1463programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they 1464were up all night. 1465% 1466Real programmers print only clean compiles, 1467fixing all errors through the terminal. 1468% 1469Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But 1470if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into 1471working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. 1472% 1473Real programmers punch up their own programs. 1474% 1475Real programmers understand Pascal. 1476% 1477Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure 1478% 1479Return on investments won't. 1480% 1481Roses are red violets are blue 1482I am schizophrenic and so am I 1483% 1484Sale promotions don't. 1485% 1486Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. 1487% 1488Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 1489% 1490Security isn't. 1491% 1492Self starters --- won't. 1493% 1494Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll 1495show you somebody who's never achieved much. 1496% 1497Simple jobs always get put off because there will be 1498time to do them later. 1499% 1500Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, 1501some prefer to just gargle. 1502% 1503Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book 1504is in print. 1505% 1506Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 1507% 1508Some people manage by the book, even though they 1509don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 1510% 1511Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and 1512for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. 1513% 1514Success can be insured only by devising a defense against 1515failure of the contingency plan. 1516% 1517Superiority is recessive. 1518% 1519Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. 1520% 1521Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. 1522% 1523Talent in staff work or sales will continually be 1524interpreted as managerial ability. 1525% 1526Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. 1527% 1528That component of any circuit which has the shortest 1529service life will be placed in the least 1530accessible location. 1531% 1532The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely 1533proportional to the subject's true value. 1534% 1535The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number 1536and experience of the people you have on board. 1537% 1538The best shots are generally attempted through the 1539lens cap. 1540% 1541The best shots happen immediately after the last 1542frame is exposed. 1543% 1544The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal 1545the letter. 1546% 1547The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... 1548carefully edited truth. 1549% 1550The big guys always win. 1551% 1552The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 1553% 1554The boss who attempts to impress employees with his 1555knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his 1556final objective. 1557% 1558The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered 1559side down is directly proportional to the cost of the 1560carpet. 1561% 1562The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely 1563proportional to the number of other people who are in 1564a position to do it instead. 1565% 1566The chief cause of problems is solutions. 1567% 1568The client who pays the least complains the most 1569% 1570The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the 1571more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of 1572the situation. 1573% 1574The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week 1575after you've made your purchase: 1576 1577(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 1578(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". 1579% 1580The cream rises to the top. 1581So does the scum. 1582% 1583The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by 1584the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. 1585% 1586The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. 1587% 1588The distance to the gate is inversely proportional 1589to the time available to catch your flight. 1590% 1591The early worm deserves the bird. 1592% 1593The easiest way to find something lost around the house 1594is to buy a replacement. 1595% 1596The faster the plane, 1597the narrower the seats. 1598% 1599The feasibility of an operation is not the best 1600indication for its performance. 1601% 1602The final test is when it goes production ... 1603w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... 1604w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t 1605w h e n i t g o e s p r o 1606% 1607The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the 1608time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. 1609% 1610The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly 1611in front of your eyes. 1612% 1613The first insurance agent was David - 1614he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. 1615% 1616The first myth of management is that it exists 1617the second myth of management is that success equals skill. 1618% 1619The first page the author turns to upon receiving an 1620advance copy will be the page containing the worst 1621error. 1622% 1623The first place to look for anything is the last place 1624you would expect to find it. 1625% 1626The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to 1627save all of the parts. 1628% 1629The first time is for love. 1630The next time is $200. 1631% 1632The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the 1633greater the number of dead and injured required for it 1634to become a story. 1635% 1636The further you are from the facts of a situation, 1637the more you tend to believe news coverage of the 1638situation. 1639% 1640The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, 1641the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even 1642if it subsequently becomes irrelevant. 1643% 1644The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached 1645to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. 1646% 1647The hidden flaw never remains hidden. 1648% 1649The higher the level of prestige accorded the people 1650behind the plan, the least less chance there is of 1651abandoning it. 1652% 1653The idea is to die young as late as possible. 1654% 1655The inside contact that you have developed at great 1656expense is the first person to be let go in any 1657reorganization. 1658% 1659The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in 1660will be taken by the person in front of you. 1661% 1662The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found 1663in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. 1664% 1665The last person who quit or was fired will be held 1666responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until 1667the next person quits or is fired. 1668% 1669The least experienced fisherman always catches the 1670biggest fish. 1671% 1672The length of a marriage is inversely proportional 1673to the amount spent on the wedding. 1674% 1675The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely 1676with its price and directly with its ugliness. 1677% 1678The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva 1679nuisance, especially if you're using the tunnel 1680as a darkroom. 1681% 1682The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of 1683an oncoming train. 1684% 1685The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. 1686% 1687The lion and the calf shall lie down together, 1688but the calf won't get much sleep. 1689% 1690The longer the title the less important the job. 1691% 1692The longer you wait in line, the greater the 1693likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. 1694% 1695The love letter you finally got the courage to send 1696will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to 1697make a fool of yourself in person. 1698% 1699The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of 1700someone he can blame it on. 1701% 1702The man who has no more problems is out of the game. 1703% 1704The meek shall inherit the earth, 1705but not its mineral rights. 1706% 1707The meek will inherit the earth 1708after the rest of us go to the stars. 1709% 1710The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the 1711waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for 1712your scheduled appointment. 1713% 1714The more carefully you plan a project, the more 1715confusion there is when something goes wrong. 1716% 1717The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the 1718greater the chance of failure. 1719% 1720The more directives you issue to solve a problem, 1721the worse it gets. 1722% 1723The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater 1724the chance of having to stop at the fish market 1725on the way home. 1726% 1727The more expensive the gadget, the less often you 1728will use it. 1729% 1730The more general the title of a course, the less 1731you will learn from it. 1732% 1733The more ridiculous a belief system, 1734the higher probability of its success. 1735% 1736The more specific the title of a course, the less you 1737will be able to apply it later. 1738% 1739The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure 1740you are as to which answer they want. 1741% 1742The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal 1743the greater the chance your guests will spend the entire 1744meal discussing other meals they have had. 1745% 1746The most important item in an order will no longer 1747be available. 1748% 1749The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. 1750% 1751The most valuable quotation will be the one for which 1752you cannot determine the source. 1753% 1754The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. 1755% 1756The mountain looks closer than it is. 1757% 1758The one course you must take to graduate will not be 1759offered during your last semester. 1760% 1761The one day you'd sell your soul for something, 1762souls are a glut. 1763% 1764The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store 1765to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. 1766% 1767The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. 1768% 1769The one time in the day that you lean back and relax 1770is the one time the boss walks through the office. 1771% 1772The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. 1773% 1774The one who snores will fall asleep first. 1775% 1776The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one 1777missing from the tool chest. 1778% 1779The one you want is never the one on sale. 1780% 1781The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. 1782% 1783The only new TV show worth watching will be canceled. 1784% 1785The only way to make up for being lost is to make 1786record time while you are lost. 1787% 1788The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 1789% 1790The organization of any program reflects the organization 1791of the people who developed it. 1792% 1793The other line always moves faster. 1794% 1795The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk 1796to the other end of the building. 1797% 1798The pills to be taken with meals will be the least 1799appetizing ones. 1800% 1801The primary function of the design engineer is to make 1802things difficult for the fabricator and impossible 1803for the serviceman. 1804% 1805The probability of a cat eating its dinner has 1806absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food 1807placed before it. 1808% 1809The probability of anything happening is in 1810inverse ratio to its desirability. 1811% 1812The probability of meeting someone you know increases 1813when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 1814% 1815The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss 1816to go in or out is directly proportional to the number 1817and importance of your dinner guests. 1818% 1819The quality of correlation is inversely proportional 1820to the density of control. 1821% 1822The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to 1823try on a new shirt. 1824% 1825The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle 1826to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 1827% 1828The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. 1829% 1830The ratio of time involved in work to time available for 1831work is usually about 0.6 1832% 1833The repairman will never have seen a model quite like 1834yours before. 1835% 1836The road to hell is paved with good intentions 1837and littered with sloppy analyses! 1838% 1839The rotten egg will be the one you break into the 1840cake batter. 1841% 1842The scratch on the record is always through the song 1843you like most. 1844% 1845The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake 1846that you've got it made. 1847% 1848The severity of an itch is inversely proportional 1849to the reach. 1850% 1851The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the 1852more difficult it will be to open the package. 1853% 1854The six steps of program management are: 1855(1) Wild enthusiasm 1856(2) Disenchantment 1857(3) Total confusion 1858(4) Search for guilty 1859(5) Punishment for the innocent 1860(6) Promotion of the non-participants 1861% 1862The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out 1863lane. 1864% 1865The source for an unattributed quotation will appear 1866in the most hostile review of your work. 1867% 1868The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional 1869to the length of the passing zone. 1870% 1871The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on 1872the other side. 1873% 1874The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of 1875junk food available. 1876% 1877The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, 1878even in the wrong denomination. 1879% 1880The sun goes down just when you need it the most. 1881% 1882The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. 1883% 1884The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, 1885campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies 1886directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. 1887% 1888The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his 1889subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. 1890% 1891The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing 1892season draws nearer. 1893% 1894The time it takes to rectify a situation is 1895inversely proportional to the time it took 1896to do the damage. 1897% 1898The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. 1899% 1900The TV show you've been looking forward to all week 1901will be preempted. 1902% 1903The usefulness of any meeting 1904is in inverse proportion to the attendance. 1905% 1906The value of a program is proportional 1907to the weight of its output. 1908% 1909The worse your line is tangled, the better is the 1910fishing around you. 1911% 1912The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. 1913% 1914The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you 1915get back. 1916% 1917Them what gets--has. 1918% 1919There are no winners in life: Only survivors. 1920% 1921There are some things which are impossible to know - 1922but it is impossible to know these things. 1923% 1924There are three ways to get things done: 1925 (1) Do it yourself, 1926 (2) Hire someone to do it, or 1927 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 1928% 1929There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't 1930stay on and that which won't come off. 1931% 1932There is a solution to every problem; 1933the only difficulty is finding it. 1934% 1935There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. 1936% 1937There is always one more bug. 1938% 1939There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 1940% 1941There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", 1942only a capitalist. 1943% 1944There is no such thing as a straight line. 1945% 1946There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. 1947% 1948There's never time to do it right, but there's always 1949time to do it over. 1950% 1951There's no time like the present for postponing 1952what you don't want to do. 1953% 1954Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 1955% 1956Things get worse under pressure. 1957% 1958This space for rent. 1959% 1960Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. 1961% 1962Those with the best advice offer no advice. 1963% 1964Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion 1965to time spent preparing it. 1966% 1967To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is 1968even more human. 1969% 1970To err is human, but to really foul things up requires 1971a computer. 1972% 1973To err is human, to forgive is divine -- 1974but to forget it altogether is humane. 1975% 1976To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. 1977% 1978To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. 1979% 1980To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job 1981will take the longest and cost the most. 1982% 1983Trial balances don't. 1984% 1985Truth is elastic. 1986% 1987Unless the results are known in advance, funding 1988agencies will reject the proposal. 1989% 1990Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man 1991in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially 1992not symbolically. 1993% 1994Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation 1995for being useful. 1996% 1997Virtue is its own punishment. 1998% 1999Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by 2000spontaneously moving from where you left them to where 2001you can't find them. 2002% 2003Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. 2004% 2005Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 2006% 2007"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer than watching 2008one overhead. 2009% 2010Whatever can go to New York, will. 2011% 2012Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will 2013come in on another one. 2014% 2015Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest 2016number must happen. 2017% 2018Whatever happens to you, it will previously have 2019happened to everyone you know only more so. 2020% 2021Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 2022% 2023Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. 2024% 2025When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, 2026it will work perfectly. 2027% 2028When a distinguished scientist states something is possible, 2029he is almost certainly right. When he states that 2030something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2031% 2032When a student asks for a second time if you have read 2033his book report, he did not read the book. 2034% 2035When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does 2036not understand, his work will be understood only by 2037readers who know more about that subject than he does. 2038% 2039When all else fails, read the instructions. 2040% 2041When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, 2042responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. 2043% 2044When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 2045% 2046When in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble. 2047% 2048When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. 2049% 2050When in doubt, mumble. 2051When in trouble, delegate. 2052When in charge, ponder. 2053% 2054When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. 2055% 2056When in trouble, obfuscate. 2057% 2058When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. 2059% 2060When more and more people are thrown out of work, 2061unemployment results. 2062% 2063When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used 2064interchangeably. 2065% 2066When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough 2067the public will not have enough stake in any one 2068expenditure to squelch it. 2069% 2070When properly administered, vacations do not diminish 2071productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing 2072done, there is another week when your boss is away and you 2073get twice as much done. 2074% 2075When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. 2076% 2077When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most 2078important ones will be illegible. 2079% 2080When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it 2081around instead of picking it up. 2082% 2083When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 2084% 2085When the government bureau's remedies do not match your 2086problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 2087% 2088When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you 2089becomes a hammer. 2090% 2091When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system 2092will perform perfectly. 2093% 2094When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 2095% 2096When things are going well, someone will inevitably 2097experiment detrimentally. 2098% 2099When things are going well, something will go wrong. 2100When things just can't get any worse, they will. 2101When things appear to be going better you have overlooked 2102something. 2103% 2104When traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves 2105markedly the day after one has purchased foreign 2106currency. 2107 2108Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as 2109soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. 2110% 2111When we try to pick out anything by itself we find 2112it hitched to everything else in the universe. 2113% 2114When working toward the solution of a problem, 2115it always helps if you know the answer. 2116Provided of course you know there is a problem. 2117% 2118When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, 2119they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of 2120the campus. 2121% 2122When you are right be logical, 2123when you are wrong be-fuddle. 2124% 2125When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty 2126to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. 2127% 2128When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's 2129sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. 2130% 2131When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal 2132% 2133When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. 2134% 2135When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the 2136world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. 2137% 2138When your opponent is down, kick him. 2139% 2140When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn 2141green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. 2142% 2143Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, 2144he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless 2145no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. 2146% 2147Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a 2148need for them an hour later. 2149% 2150Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. 2151% 2152Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! 2153% 2154Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet 2155reached their level of incompetence. 2156% 2157Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the 2158water that keeps it green. 2159% 2160Workers won't. 2161% 2162Working capital doesn't. 2163% 2164Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the 2165first objective of communication -- informing 2166the uninformed. 2167% 2168You are always complimented on the item which took the 2169least effort to prepare. 2170 2171Example: 2172 If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be 2173 complimented on the baked potato. 2174% 2175You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without 2176holding on. 2177% 2178You can always find what you're not looking for. 2179% 2180You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to 2181float on his back, you've really got something. 2182% 2183You can never do just one thing. 2184% 2185You can observe a lot just by watching. 2186% 2187You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill 2188how hard? 2189Hard enough to make water run uphill. 2190% 2191You can't expect to hit the jackpot 2192if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. 2193% 2194You can't fix it if it ain't broke. 2195% 2196You can't guard against the arbitrary. 2197% 2198You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. 2199% 2200You don't have to be crazy to work here 2201but it sure helps!!!!!!! 2202% 2203You may be recognized soon. 2204Hide! 2205If they find you, lie. 2206% 2207You may know where the market is going, but you can't 2208possibly know where it's going after that. 2209% 2210You never have the right number of pills left on the 2211last day of a prescription. 2212% 2213You never know who's right, but you always know 2214who's in charge. 2215% 2216You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to 2217be an average consumer. 2218% 2219You will always find something in the last place you look. 2220% 2221You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash 2222when the garbage truck is two doors away. 2223% 2224You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you 2225don't burn your bridges until you come to them. 2226% 2227You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you 2228gotta suit up for them all. 2229% 2230