murphy revision 174422
1%%$FreeBSD: head/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy 174422 2007-12-07 22:28:08Z dougb $ 2% 3When things are going well, someone will inevitably 4experiment detrimentally. 5% 6If not controlled, work will flow to the competent 7man until he submerges. 8% 9The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. 10% 11The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found 12in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. 13% 14It is impossible to build a fool proof system; 15because fools are so ingenious. 16% 17Talent in staff work or sales will continually be 18interpreted as managerial ability. 19% 20Information travels more surely to those with a 21lesser need to know. 22% 23The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his 24subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. 25% 26An original idea can never emerge from committee 27in its original form. 28% 29No good deed goes unpunished. 30% 31When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system 32will perform perfectly. 33% 34Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce 35multiple interpretations. 36% 37The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by 38the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. 39% 40On successive charts of the same organization, the number of 41boxes will never decrease. 42% 43It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, 44but some people abuse the privilege. 45% 46Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment 47to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. 48% 49Success can be insured only by devising a defense against 50failure of the contingency plan. 51% 52Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. 53% 54Performance is directly affected by the perversity of 55inanimate objects. 56% 57Leakproof seals --- will. 58% 59Never offend people with style 60when you can offend them with substance. 61% 62Our customers' paperwork is profit. 63Our own paperwork is loss. 64% 65At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. 66% 67As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. 68% 69This space for rent. 70% 71The more directives you issue to solve a problem, 72the worse it gets. 73% 74Cop-out number 1. 75You should have seen it when I got it. 76% 77The road to hell is paved with good intentions 78and littered with sloppy analyses! 79% 80Self starters --- won't. 81% 82If the assumptions are wrong, 83the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. 84% 85The organization of any program reflects the organization 86of the people who developed it. 87% 88There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", 89only a capitalist. 90% 91Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. 92% 93The meek will inherit the earth 94after the rest of us go to the stars. 95% 96Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: 97welfare or warfare. 98% 99History proves nothing. 100% 101A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much 102technological roccoco. 103% 104A little humility is arrogance. 105% 106Interchangeable parts --- won't. 107% 108Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of 109faults is proportional to the number of viewers. 110% 111All American cars are basically Chevrolets. 112% 113A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not 114take place. 115% 116No experiment is ever a complete failure. 117It can always be used as a bad example. 118% 119Despite the sign that says "wet paint", 120please don't. 121% 122People don't change; they only become more so. 123% 124I finally got it all together... 125but I forgot where I put it. 126% 127If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is 128because of something left out, rather than added. 129% 130There is always one more bug. 131% 132The big guys always win. 133% 134Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 135% 136It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 137% 138It is better to be part of the idle rich class 139than be part of the idle poor class. 140% 141Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. 142% 143For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. 144% 145If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough 146chances are someone else will do it for you. 147% 148Everybody's gotta be someplace. 149% 150Nature is a mother. 151% 152If you've got them by the balls, 153their hearts and minds will follow. 154% 155People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell 156them Benjamin Franklin said it first. 157% 158If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. 159% 160Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 161% 162Any given program costs more and takes longer. 163% 164If a program is useful, it will be changed. 165% 166If a program is useless, it will be documented. 167% 168Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 169% 170The value of a program is proportional 171to the weight of its output. 172% 173Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! 174% 175Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability 176of the programmer who must maintain it. 177% 178Make it possible for programmers to write programs 179in English and you will find that programmers cannot 180write in English. 181% 182When more and more people are thrown out of work, 183unemployment results. 184% 185If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. 186% 187The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... 188carefully edited truth. 189% 190There are three ways to get things done: 191 (1) Do it yourself, 192 (2) Hire someone to do it, or 193 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 194% 195I think ... therefore I am confused. 196% 197A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 198% 199History repeats itself. 200that's one of the things wrong with history. 201% 20290% of everything is crud. 203% 204Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. 205% 206Those with the best advice offer no advice. 207% 208Democracy is that form of government where 209everybody gets what the majority deserves. 210% 211If you're worried about being crazy, 212don't be overly concerned: 213If you were, you would think you were sane. 214% 215Pills to be taken in twos always come 216out of the bottle in threes. 217% 218Flynn is dead 219Tron is dead 220long live the MCP. 221% 222Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! 223% 224Real programmers don't number paragraph names 225consecutively. 226% 227If you're feeling good, don't worry, 228you'll get over it. 229% 230Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages 231of Cobol when they don't know any other language. 232% 233Definition of an elephant: 234A mouse built to government specifications. 235% 236Real programmers are kind to rookies. 237% 238Real programmers don't notch their desks for each 239completed service request. 240% 241You don't have to be crazy to work here 242but it sure helps!!!!!!! 243% 244Real programmers don't announce how many times the 245operations department called them last night. 246% 247A day without sunshine .... 248is like ... night! 249% 250Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, 251which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. 252% 253Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. 254% 255Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 256% 257Real programmers understand Pascal. 258% 259Real programmers know it's not operations' 260fault if their jobs go into "hogs". 261% 262Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the 263vending machines. 264% 265Real programmers punch up their own programs. 266% 267When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. 268% 269Real programmers have read the standards manual 270but won't admit it. 271% 272Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. 273% 274Real programmers don't dress for success unless 275they are trying to convince others that they are 276going on interviews. 277% 278Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before 279walkthroughs. 280% 281All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. 282% 283Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a 284matter of principle. 285% 286The final test is when it goes production ... 287w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... 288w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t 289w h e n i t g o e s p r o 290% 291Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will 292always seem tense and overworked. 293% 294Real programmers always have a better idea. 295% 296Anyone who follows a crowd will 297never be followed by a crowd. 298% 299Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and 300binary math in their heads. 301% 302Real programmers don't write memos. 303% 304Real programmers know what saad means. 305% 306Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated 307decibel level. 308% 309Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. 310% 311Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP 312situations. 313% 314I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... 315I shuffle along with the lost. 316% 317Real programmers do not read books like 318"effective listening" and "communication skills". 319% 320Real programmers print only clean compiles, 321fixing all errors through the terminal. 322% 323The early worm deserves the bird. 324% 325Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! 326% 327All good things must come to an end. 328I want to know when they start! 329% 330Blessed are those who go around in circles, 331for they shall be known as wheels. 332% 333Never eat prunes when you are famished. 334% 335Keep emotionally active, 336cater to your favorite neurosis. 337% 338A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. 339% 340RACF is a four letter word. 341% 342You may be recognized soon. 343Hide! 344If they find you, lie. 345% 346You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill 347how hard? 348Hard enough to make water run uphill. 349% 350Avoid reality at all costs. 351% 352Program design philosophy: 353 354 Start at the beginning and continue until the end, 355 then stop. 356 -- Lewis Carroll 357% 358A closed mouth gathers no foot. 359% 360Only a mediocre person is always at their best. 361% 362Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 363% 364In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, 365the greater the confusion. 366% 367The first time is for love. 368The next time is $200. 369% 370Of two possible events, 371only the undesired one will occur. 372% 373The faster the plane, 374the narrower the seats. 375% 376If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. 377% 378If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that 379something will go wrong, 380It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. 381% 382A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. 383% 384The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to 385save all of the parts. 386% 3871) Things will get worse before they get better. 3882) Who said things would get better? 389% 390If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. 391% 392There is a solution to every problem; 393the only difficulty is finding it. 394% 395Don't make your doctor your heir. 396% 397Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. 398% 399If there isn't a law, there will be. 400% 401If you don't like the answer, 402you shouldn't have asked the question. 403% 404Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 405% 406You can't expect to hit the jackpot 407if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. 408% 409Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man 410in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially 411not symbolically. 412% 413Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse 414proportion to their soundness and validity. 415% 416A short cut is the longest distance between two points. 417% 418If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. 419% 420If you know, you can't say. 421% 422The meek shall inherit the earth, 423but not its mineral rights. 424% 425When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 426% 427Common sense is not so common. 428% 429If we learn by our mistakes, 430I'm getting one hell of an education!! 431% 432Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the 433embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 434% 435Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation 436for being useful. 437% 438You will always find something in the last place you look. 439% 440The probability of anything happening is in 441inverse ratio to its desirability. 442% 443The first myth of management is that it exists 444the second myth of management is that success equals skill. 445% 446If it's good they will stop making it. 447% 448Inside every large program 449is a small program struggling to get out. 450% 451A memorandum is written not to inform the reader 452but to protect the writer. 453% 454Never insult an alligator 455until after you have crossed the river. 456% 457Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. 458% 459When your opponent is down, kick him. 460% 461The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of 462someone he can blame it on. 463% 464The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered 465side down is directly proportional to the cost of the 466carpet. 467% 468In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 469% 470Last guys don't finish nice. 471% 472Never admit anything. 473Never regret anything 474whatever it is, you're not responsible. 475% 476If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. 477% 478When working toward the solution of a problem, 479it always helps if you know the answer. 480Provided of course you know there is a problem. 481% 482The usefulness of any meeting 483is in inverse proportion to the attendance. 484% 485The sun goes down just when you need it the most. 486% 487Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary 488drivel off the TV screen. 489% 490Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest 491number must happen. 492% 493No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after 494you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. 495% 496Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. 497% 498A disagreeable task is its own reward. 499% 500If things were left to chance, they'd be better. 501% 502The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk 503to the other end of the building. 504% 505Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. 506% 507A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, 508willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. 509% 510If a thing is done wrong often enough 511it becomes right. 512% 513People will buy anything that is one to a customer. 514% 515If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always 516manage to boot yourself in the posterior. 517% 518No one's life, liberty, or property are safe 519while the legislature is in session. 520% 521Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. 522% 523Bad news drives good news out of the media. 524% 525Just when you get really good at something, 526you don't need to do it anymore. 527% 528If facts do not conform to the theory, 529they must be disposed of. 530% 531Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. 532% 533When properly administered, vacations do not diminish 534productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing 535done, there is another week when your boss is away and you 536get twice as much done. 537% 538No matter what happens, there is always somebody 539who knew that it would. 540% 541The other line always moves faster. 542% 543To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. 544% 545When all else fails, read the instructions. 546% 547Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than 548you thought. 549% 550"Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and 551thermonuclear devices. 552% 553The lion and the calf shall lie down together, 554but the calf won't get much sleep. 555% 556If you fool around with a thing for very long you will 557screw it up. 558% 559It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, 560than to be coming up it. 561% 562A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing 563first. 564% 565Justice always prevails... 566three times out of seven. 567% 568If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, 569it needed replacing anyway. 570% 571I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, 572when you looked at it in the right way, did not become 573still more complicated. 574 -- Poul Anderson 575% 576Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath 577to the exact center. 578% 579No matter which direction you start, 580it's always against the wind coming back. 581% 582The repairman will never have seen a model quite like 583yours before. 584% 585Don't force it, 586get a bigger hammer. 587% 588When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, 589it will work perfectly. 590% 591An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. 592A pessimist is a married optimist! 593% 594A pessimist is an optimist with experience. 595% 596Old programmers never die - they just abend. 597% 598The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, 599even in the wrong denomination. 600% 601Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet 602somebody moves the ends! 603% 604Just because you are paranoid 605doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. 606% 607If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong 608equipment. 609% 610Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, 611some prefer to just gargle. 612% 613Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. 614(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) 615% 616Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. 617% 618Build a system that even a fool can use, 619and only a fool will use it. 620% 621Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. 622% 623In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level 624of incompetence, and then remains there. 625% 626It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick 627up something from the floor while you get up. 628% 629You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash 630when the garbage truck is two doors away. 631% 632Misery no longer loves company 633nowadays it insists on it. 634% 635Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 636% 637There's never time to do it right, but there's always 638time to do it over. 639% 640On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone 641can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. 642% 643When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. 644% 645The more ridiculous a belief system, 646the higher probability of its success. 647% 648Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or 649fattening. 650% 651Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 652% 653A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. 654% 655The ratio of time involved in work to time available for 656work is usually about 0.6 657% 658Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and 659knows it for he shall enjoy living. 660% 661Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually 662plunge into the Atlantic ocean. 663% 664Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 665% 666Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, 667for he shall not be disappointed. 668% 669The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of 670an oncoming train. 671% 672Celibacy is not hereditary. 673% 674You can observe a lot just by watching. 675% 676If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, 677you will borrow it and 678you will break it. 679% 680Live within your income, 681even if you have to borrow to do so. 682% 683Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. 684% 685Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 686% 687To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. 688% 689An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 690% 691Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 692% 693A bird in the hand is dead. 694% 695Never put all your eggs in your pocket. 696% 697If everything seems to be going well, 698you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. 699% 700If at first you don't succeed, 701blame it on your supervisor. 702% 703If more than one person is responsible for a 704miscalculation, no one will be at fault. 705% 706Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. 707% 708In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 709% 710When in doubt, mumble. 711When in trouble, delegate. 712When in charge, ponder. 713% 714Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! 715% 716Never argue with a fool, 717people might not know the difference. 718% 719You can't guard against the arbitrary. 720% 721People can be divided into three groups: 722Those who make things happen, 723Those who watch things happen and 724Those who wonder what happened. 725% 726The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. 727% 728You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without 729holding on. 730% 731In any household, junk accumulates to the space 732available for its storage. 733% 734Don't stop to stomp on ants 735when the elephants are stampeding. 736% 737The longer the title the less important the job. 738% 739Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion 740if it did occur, will occur. 741% 742When you are right be logical, 743when you are wrong be-fuddle. 744% 745For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- 746and it is always wrong. 747% 748There are no winners in life: Only survivors. 749% 750When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 751% 752The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you 753get back. 754% 755You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. 756% 757The idea is to die young as late as possible. 758% 759No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. 760% 761It's better to retire too soon than too late. 762% 763A man should be greater than some of his parts. 764% 765If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. 766% 767Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. 768% 769Everything takes longer than you expect. 770% 771Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. 772% 773If you see that there are four possible ways in which a 774procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a 775fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 776% 777Things get worse under pressure. 778% 779Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional 780and employ faulty reasoning. 781% 782A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 783% 784Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 785% 786The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the 787time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. 788% 789If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 790% 791Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. 792% 793All things being equal, all things are never equal. 794% 795Even paranoids have enemies. 796% 797Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 798% 799Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet 800reached their level of incompetence. 801% 802If at first you don't succeed, try something else. 803% 804If you're coasting, you're going downhill. 805% 806Never tell them what you wouldn't do. 807% 808The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely 809proportional to the subject's true value. 810% 811Indifference is the only sure defense. 812% 813Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. 814% 815If you want to get along, go along. 816% 817Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. 818% 819The easiest way to find something lost around the house 820is to buy a replacement. 821% 822Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always 823point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. 824% 825Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will 826establish yourself as an expert. 827% 828It works better if you plug it in. 829% 830Quit while you're still behind. 831% 832If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, 833you better wear work shoes. 834% 835It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is 836from the top. 837% 838Any line, however short, is still too long. 839% 840Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. 841% 842If you can't measure output then you measure input. 843% 844Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of 845approximate, additional assumptions. 846% 847Never be first to do anything. 848% 849The chief cause of problems is solutions. 850% 851The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 852% 853A little ignorance can go a long way. 854% 855Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. 856% 857Entropy has us outnumbered. 858% 859Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. 860% 861Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. 862% 863A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. 864% 865Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. 866% 867Go where the money is. 868% 869Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the 870water that keeps it green. 871% 872A stagnant science is at a standstill. 873% 874Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 875% 876For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. 877% 878Can't produces countercan't. 879% 880If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent 881of doing you good, you should run for your life. 882% 883When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty 884to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. 885% 886If you can't convince them, confuse them. 887% 888Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. 889% 890All general statements are false. (Think about it.) 891% 892If it happens, it must be possible. 893% 894Them what gets--has. 895% 896If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue 897digging. 898% 899People will believe anything if you whisper it. 900% 901A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick 902in the pants. 903% 904Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold 905of something else. 906% 907A theory is better than its explanation. 908% 909Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing 910worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 911% 912Nobody notices when things go right. 913% 914There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 915% 916Roses are red violets are blue 917I am schizophrenic and so am I 918% 919If anything can go wrong, it will. 920% 921If anything can't go wrong it will. 922% 923If Murphy's law can go wrong, it will. 924% 925If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in 926the worst possible sequence. 927% 928After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle 929will repeat itself. 930% 931An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, 932and attacks the wounded. 933% 934Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. 935% 936No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody 937who knew it would. 938% 939The hidden flaw never remains hidden. 940% 941(1) Everything depends. 942(2) Nothing is always. 943(3) Everything is sometimes. 944% 945If you wait, it will go away 946... having done it's damage. 947If it was bad, it'll be back. 948% 949Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand 950wrong answers. 951% 952Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune 953moment. 954% 955When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the 956world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. 957% 958In order for something to become clean, something 959else must become dirty. 960... but you can get everything dirty without getting 961anything clean. 962% 963Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 964% 965The first place to look for anything is the last place 966you would expect to find it. 967% 968You can always find what you're not looking for. 969% 970If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 971% 972It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly 973surprised. 974% 975A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the 976whole thing". 977% 978Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 979% 980When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 981% 982The time it takes to rectify a situation is 983inversely proportional to the time it took 984to do the damage. 985% 986An optimist believes we live in the best of all 987possible worlds. 988A pessimist fears this is true. 989% 990It takes longer to glue a vase together than to 991break one. 992% 993It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than 994to gain 'x' number of pounds. 995% 996The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in 997will be taken by the person in front of you. 998% 999If you change lines, the one you just left will start 1000to move faster than the one you are now in. 1001% 1002The longer you wait in line, the greater the 1003likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. 1004% 1005The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out 1006lane. 1007% 1008Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a 1009need for them an hour later. 1010% 1011(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church 1012 attendance will be down. 1013(2) If the weather is extremely good, church 1014 attendance will be down. 1015(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply 1016 church attendance will exceed all expectations. 1017% 1018If a situation requires undivided attention, it will 1019occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. 1020% 1021The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the 1022greater the number of dead and injured required for it 1023to become a story. 1024% 1025The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the 1026more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of 1027the situation. 1028% 1029The further you are from the facts of a situation, 1030the more you tend to believe news coverage of the 1031situation. 1032% 1033The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal 1034the letter. 1035% 1036The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. 1037% 1038Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book 1039is in print. 1040% 1041The first page the author turns to upon receiving an 1042advance copy will be the page containing the worst 1043error. 1044% 1045(1) Never draw what you can copy. 1046(2) Never copy what you can trace. 1047(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 1048% 1049The best shots happen immediately after the last 1050frame is exposed. 1051% 1052The best shots are generally attempted through the 1053lens cap. 1054% 1055In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine 1056times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor 1057where you are not. 1058% 1059The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, 1060campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies 1061directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. 1062% 1063The distance to the gate is inversely proportional 1064to the time available to catch your flight. 1065% 1066Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will 1067come in on another one. 1068% 1069When traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves 1070markedly the day after one has purchased foreign 1071currency. 1072 1073Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as 1074soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. 1075% 1076The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 1077% 1078For every action, there is an equal and opposite 1079criticism. 1080% 1081Authorization for a project will be granted only when 1082none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project 1083fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit 1084if it succeeds. 1085% 1086If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be 1087implemented, it wasn't worth doing. 1088% 1089The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, 1090the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even 1091if it subsequently becomes irrelevant. 1092% 1093The higher the level of prestige accorded the people 1094behind the plan, the least less chance there is of 1095abandoning it. 1096% 1097In any organization there will always be one person 1098who knows what is going on. 1099This person must be fired. 1100% 1101It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 1102% 1103Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed 1104talent. 1105% 1106Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over 1107experience. 1108% 1109Some people manage by the book, even though they 1110don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 1111% 1112Don't let your superiors know you're better than 1113they are. 1114% 1115You never know who's right, but you always know 1116who's in charge. 1117% 1118(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 1119(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough 1120 facts. 1121(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. 1122% 1123The boss who attempts to impress employees with his 1124knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his 1125final objective. 1126% 1127You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you 1128don't burn your bridges until you come to them. 1129% 1130In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies 1131inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty 1132of the task. 1133% 1134The client who pays the least complains the most 1135% 1136I know you believe you understand 1137 what you think I said, 1138 however, I am not sure you realize, 1139 that what I think you heard 1140 is not what I meant 1141% 1142Real programmers don't eat muffins. 1143% 1144In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend 1145more and more time reporting on the less and less you 1146are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of 1147your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 1148% 1149Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for 1150a number and then give it back to them. 1151% 1152When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it 1153around instead of picking it up. 1154% 1155The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely 1156proportional to the number of other people who are in 1157a position to do it instead. 1158% 1159Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. 1160% 1161No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made 1162but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. 1163% 1164For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. 1165% 1166The inside contact that you have developed at great 1167expense is the first person to be let go in any 1168reorganization. 1169% 1170It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one 1171who's redundant. 1172% 1173Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 1174% 1175If you're early, it'll be canceled. 1176If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will 1177 have to wait. 1178If you're late, you will be too late. 1179% 1180A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept 1181and the hours are lost. 1182% 1183If you leave the room, you're elected. 1184% 1185The cream rises to the top. 1186So does the scum. 1187% 1188You can never do just one thing. 1189% 1190There's no time like the present for postponing 1191what you don't want to do. 1192% 1193Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. 1194% 1195The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the 1196greater the chance of failure. 1197% 1198Simple jobs always get put off because there will be 1199time to do them later. 1200% 1201Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 1202% 1203A work project expands to fill the space available. 1204% 1205No matter how large the work space, if two projects 1206must be done at the same time they will require the 1207same part of the work space. 1208% 1209The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one 1210missing from the tool chest. 1211% 1212Most projects require three hands. 1213% 1214Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. 1215% 1216The more carefully you plan a project, the more 1217confusion there is when something goes wrong. 1218% 1219Murphy's rule for precision: 1220 Measure with a micrometer 1221 Mark with chalk 1222 Cut with an axe 1223% 1224You can't fix it if it ain't broke. 1225% 1226Access holes will be 1/2" too small. 1227Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. 1228% 1229If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company 1230will insist upon repairing the old one. 1231% 1232If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the 1233company will insist on the latest model. 1234% 1235The primary function of the design engineer is to make 1236things difficult for the fabricator and impossible 1237for the serviceman. 1238% 1239That component of any circuit which has the shortest 1240service life will be placed in the least 1241accessible location. 1242% 1243Any circuit design must contain at least one part which 1244is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three 1245parts which at still under development. 1246% 1247Important letters which contain no errors will develop 1248errors in the mail. 1249% 1250Office machines which function perfectly during normal 1251business hours will break down when you return to the 1252office at night to use them for personal business. 1253% 1254Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick 1255them will stick to other things when you don't want 1256them to. 1257% 1258Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by 1259spontaneously moving from where you left them to where 1260you can't find them. 1261% 1262The last person who quit or was fired will be held 1263responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until 1264the next person quits or is fired. 1265% 1266The one time in the day that you lean back and relax 1267is the one time the boss walks through the office. 1268% 1269Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. 1270% 1271When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. 1272% 1273Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. 1274% 1275Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 1276% 1277(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 1278(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. 1279(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. 1280% 1281Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. 1282% 1283The quality of correlation is inversely proportional 1284to the density of control. 1285% 1286If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the 1287test only once. 1288% 1289If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two 1290data points. 1291% 1292Any technical problem can be overcome given enough 1293time and money. 1294 1295You are never given enough time or money. 1296% 1297Unless the results are known in advance, funding 1298agencies will reject the proposal. 1299% 1300It is better to solve a problem with a crude 1301approximation and know the truth, than to demand an 1302exact solution and not know the truth at all. 1303% 1304An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful 1305than a complex, incomprehensible truth. 1306% 1307If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will 1308become central to his theory. 1309 1310His theory, in turn, will become central to all 1311scientific truth. 1312% 1313There is no such thing as a straight line. 1314% 1315In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur 1316at the opposite end to the end at which you begin 1317checking for errors. 1318% 1319Only errors exist. 1320% 1321One man's error is another man's data. 1322% 1323To err is human, but to really foul things up requires 1324a computer. 1325% 1326When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. 1327% 1328Never test for an error condition you don't know 1329how to handle. 1330% 1331Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since 1332nobody listens. 1333% 1334People who love sausage and respect the law should 1335never watch either one being made. 1336% 1337No matter what they're telling you, they're not 1338telling you the whole truth. 1339% 1340No matter what they're talking about, they're 1341talking about money. 1342% 1343In any dealings with a collective body of people, the 1344people will always be more tacky than originally expected. 1345% 1346If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 1347theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. 1348% 1349Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. 1350% 1351When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, 1352responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. 1353% 1354When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough 1355the public will not have enough stake in any one 1356expenditure to squelch it. 1357% 1358When the government bureau's remedies do not match your 1359problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 1360% 1361A fool and your money are soon partners. 1362% 1363You may know where the market is going, but you can't 1364possibly know where it's going after that. 1365% 1366Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 1367% 1368Trial balances don't. 1369% 1370Working capital doesn't. 1371% 1372Liquidity tends to run out. 1373% 1374Return on investments won't. 1375% 1376If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. 1377% 1378Mass man must be serviced by mass means. 1379% 1380Everything is contagious. 1381% 1382Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. 1383% 1384The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake 1385that you've got it made. 1386% 1387An expert is anyone from out of town. 1388% 1389An expert is one who knows more and more about less 1390and less until he knows absolutely everything 1391about nothing. 1392% 1393To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job 1394will take the longest and cost the most. 1395% 1396If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just 1397become the expert. 1398% 1399Indecision is the basis for flexibility. 1400% 1401Anything is possible if you don't know what you're 1402talking about. 1403% 1404Never create a problem for which you do not have 1405the answer. 1406% 1407Create problems for which only you have the answer. 1408% 1409A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 1410% 1411Hindsight is an exact science. 1412% 1413History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely 1414repeat each other. 1415% 1416Fact is solidified opinion. 1417% 1418Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. 1419% 1420Truth is elastic. 1421% 1422When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. 1423% 1424When in trouble, obfuscate. 1425% 1426Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is 1427wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing 1428a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. 1429% 1430It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex 1431task to make them simple. 1432% 1433If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he 1434will find an easier way to do it. 1435% 1436Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or 1437exceeding the greatness of the idea. 1438% 1439New systems generate new problems. 1440% 1441Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. 1442% 1443Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. 1444% 1445Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. 1446% 1447The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. 1448% 1449A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of 1450a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. 1451% 1452People in systems do not do what the systems say 1453they are doing. 1454% 1455The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. 1456% 1457A complex system that works is invariably found to have 1458evolved from a simple system that works. 1459% 1460A complex system designed from scratch never works and 1461cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start 1462over, beginning with a working simple system. 1463% 1464(1) Everything is a system. 1465(2) Everything is part of a larger system. 1466(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward 1467 (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). 1468(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illusion 1469 of simplicity comes from focusing attention on 1470 one or a few variables). 1471% 1472Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. 1473% 1474If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students 1475you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. 1476% 1477Class schedules are designed so that every student will 1478waste the maximum time between classes. 1479% 1480Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll 1481show you somebody who's never achieved much. 1482% 1483When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's 1484sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. 1485% 1486When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, 1487they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of 1488the campus. 1489% 1490A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered 1491only during the semester following the desired course. 1492% 1493When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most 1494important ones will be illegible. 1495% 1496The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure 1497you are as to which answer they want. 1498% 149980% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture 1500you missed about the one book you didn't read. 1501% 1502If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget 1503your book. 1504If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget 1505where you live. 1506% 1507At the end of the semester you will recall having 1508enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester 1509-- and never attending. 1510% 1511The one course you must take to graduate will not be 1512offered during your last semester. 1513% 1514The more general the title of a course, the less 1515you will learn from it. 1516% 1517The more specific the title of a course, the less you 1518will be able to apply it later. 1519% 1520The most valuable quotation will be the one for which 1521you cannot determine the source. 1522% 1523The source for an unattributed quotation will appear 1524in the most hostile review of your work. 1525% 1526When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does 1527not understand, his work will be understood only by 1528readers who know more about that subject than he does. 1529% 1530Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the 1531first objective of communication -- informing 1532the uninformed. 1533% 1534When a student asks for a second time if you have read 1535his book report, he did not read the book. 1536% 1537If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled 1538exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance 1539is optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you 1540have never seen before. 1541% 1542Just because your doctor has a name for your condition 1543doesn't mean he knows what it is. 1544% 1545The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the 1546waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for 1547your scheduled appointment. 1548% 1549Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. 1550% 1551You never have the right number of pills left on the 1552last day of a prescription. 1553% 1554The pills to be taken with meals will be the least 1555appetizing ones. 1556% 1557Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. 1558% 1559If your condition seems to be getting better, it's 1560probably your doctor getting sick. 1561% 1562Beware of the physician who is great at getting 1563out of trouble. 1564% 1565A drug is that substance which, when injected into a 1566rat, will produce a scientific report. 1567% 1568Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, 1569(1) positive, or 1570(2) negative. 1571If both answers are the same, don't do the test. 1572% 1573The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. 1574% 1575The feasibility of an operation is not the best 1576indication for its performance. 1577% 1578A physician's ability is inversely proportional 1579to his availability. 1580% 1581There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't 1582stay on and that which won't come off. 1583% 1584Everybody wants a pain shot at the same time. 1585% 1586Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were 1587passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing 1588out sleeping pills. 1589% 1590An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his 1591own physician. 1592% 1593Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. 1594% 1595At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from 1596the aisle arrive last. 1597% 1598Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the 1599scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. 1600% 1601Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by 1602firing the coach. 1603% 1604The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. 1605% 1606A free agent is anything but. 1607% 1608Hockey is a game played by six good players and the 1609home team. 1610% 1611Whatever can go to New York, will. 1612% 1613Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, 1614he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless 1615no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. 1616% 1617A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or 1618her opposition. 1619% 1620The only way to make up for being lost is to make 1621record time while you are lost. 1622% 1623The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number 1624and experience of the people you have on board. 1625% 1626No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock 1627once you have reached the furthest point from port 1628the wind will die. 1629% 1630The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing 1631season draws nearer. 1632% 1633The least experienced fisherman always catches the 1634biggest fish. 1635% 1636The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater 1637the chance of having to stop at the fish market 1638on the way home. 1639% 1640The worse your line is tangled, the better is the 1641fishing around you. 1642% 1643The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. 1644% 1645The mountain looks closer than it is. 1646% 1647All trails have more uphill sections than they have 1648level or downhill sections. 1649% 1650The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. 1651% 1652All things being equal, you lose. 1653 1654All things being in your favor, you still lose. 1655 1656Win or lose, you lose. 1657% 1658It always takes longer to get there than to get back. 1659% 1660If everything is coming your way, you're in the 1661wrong lane. 1662% 1663If you allow someone to get in front of you either: 1664(1) The car in front will be the last one over a 1665 railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting 1666 for a long, slow-moving train; or 1667(2) you both will have the same destination and the 1668 other car will get the last parking space. 1669% 1670If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two 1671new parking spaces right in front of the building 1672entrance. 1673% 1674When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn 1675green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. 1676% 1677A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise 1678deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. 1679% 1680The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional 1681to the length of the passing zone. 1682% 1683The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly 1684in front of your eyes. 1685% 1686If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the 1687tool to get it off. 1688% 1689If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house 1690will have it back-ordered. 1691% 1692If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing 1693in the first place. 1694% 1695When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you 1696becomes a hammer. 1697% 1698No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end 1699up covered with grease and motor oil. 1700% 1701When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used 1702interchangeably. 1703% 1704Automotive engine repairing law: 1705If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. 1706% 1707If you lived here you'd be home now. 1708% 1709If it's good, they discontinue it. 1710% 1711It the shoe fits, it's ugly. 1712% 1713(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 1714(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't 1715 fit anyway. 1716(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 1717(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it 1718 falls apart the first time you wear it. 1719% 1720The one you want is never the one on sale. 1721% 1722If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet 1723it's not $19.95. 1724% 1725ACF2 is a four letter word. 1726% 1727If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, 1728the price will be unreasonable. 1729% 1730A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will 1731self-destruct on the 61st day. 1732% 1733The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week 1734after you've made your purchase: 1735 1736(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 1737(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". 1738% 1739If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive 1740your order. 1741If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before 1742your angry letter reaches its destination. 1743% 1744The most important item in an order will no longer 1745be available. 1746% 1747During the time an item is on back-order, it will be 1748available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. 1749% 1750Security isn't. 1751% 1752Management can't. 1753% 1754Sale promotions don't. 1755% 1756Consumer assistance doesn't. 1757% 1758Workers won't. 1759% 1760Cleanliness is next to impossible. 1761% 1762Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any 1763function adequately. 1764% 1765The more expensive the gadget, the less often you 1766will use it. 1767% 1768The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the 1769more difficult it will be to open the package. 1770% 1771In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, 1772the most vital measurement will be illegible. 1773% 1774Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it 1775only makes it worse. 1776% 1777You are always complimented on the item which took the 1778least effort to prepare. 1779 1780Example: 1781 If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be 1782 complimented on the baked potato. 1783% 1784The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store 1785to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. 1786% 1787The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal 1788the greater the chance your guests will spend the entire 1789meal discussing other meals they have had. 1790% 1791Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and 1792for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. 1793% 1794The rotten egg will be the one you break into the 1795cake batter. 1796% 1797Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be 1798needed immediately thereafter for something else. 1799% 1800Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will 1801be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. 1802% 1803Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion 1804to time spent preparing it. 1805% 1806Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. 1807% 1808If you're wondering if you took the meat out to 1809thaw, you didn't. 1810% 1811If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot 1812plugged in, you did. 1813% 1814If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up 1815bread and eggs on the way home, you do. 1816% 1817If you're wondering if you have enough money to take 1818the family out to eat tonight, you don't. 1819% 1820The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on 1821the other side. 1822% 1823Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. 1824% 1825All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. 1826% 1827Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the 1828cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the 1829cost of a new washer by .75. 1830% 1831There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. 1832% 1833If it's clean, it isn't laundry. 1834% 1835A child will not spill on a dirty floor. 1836% 1837An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 1838% 1839Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly 1840refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate 1841for an audience. 1842% 1843A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public 1844area to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary. 1845% 1846The probability of a cat eating its dinner has 1847absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food 1848placed before it. 1849% 1850The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss 1851to go in or out is directly proportional to the number 1852and importance of your dinner guests. 1853% 1854The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of 1855junk food available. 1856% 1857If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, 1858there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If 1859you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. 1860% 1861How long a minute is depends on which side of the 1862bathroom door you're on. 1863% 1864The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely 1865with its price and directly with its ugliness. 1866% 1867If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch 1868it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. 1869% 1870If there are only two shows worth watching, they will 1871be on together. 1872% 1873The only new TV show worth watching will be canceled. 1874% 1875The TV show you've been looking forward to all week 1876will be preempted. 1877% 1878Most people deserve each other. 1879% 1880Possessions increase to fill the space available for 1881their storage. 1882% 1883When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal 1884% 1885(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the 1886 door, fumbling for your keys. 1887 1888(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click 1889 of the caller hanging up. 1890% 1891People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 1892remind them of someone else. 1893% 1894The one who snores will fall asleep first. 1895% 1896Never get excited about a blind date because of how 1897it sounds over the phone. 1898% 1899The love letter you finally got the courage to send 1900will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to 1901make a fool of yourself in person. 1902% 1903Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. 1904 1905Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy. 1906% 1907The length of a marriage is inversely proportional 1908to the amount spent on the wedding. 1909% 1910The probability of meeting someone you know increases 1911when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 1912% 1913If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember 1914you - the next time he's in need. 1915% 1916Virtue is its own punishment. 1917% 1918If you do something right once, someone will ask 1919you to do it again. 1920% 1921The one day you'd sell your soul for something, 1922souls are a glut. 1923% 1924The scratch on the record is always through the song 1925you like most. 1926% 1927Superiority is recessive. 1928% 1929Forgive and remember. 1930% 1931Anything good in life either causes cancer in 1932laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. 1933% 1934To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is 1935even more human. 1936% 1937Whatever happens to you, it will previously have 1938happened to everyone you know only more so. 1939% 1940He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. 1941% 1942In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the 1943organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, 1944the Peter Principle, etc. 1945% 1946Law expands in proportion to the resources available 1947for its enforcement. 1948% 1949Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 1950% 1951There are some things which are impossible to know - 1952but it is impossible to know these things. 1953% 1954When we try to pick out anything by itself we find 1955it hitched to everything else in the universe. 1956% 1957If one views his problem closely enough he will 1958recognize himself as part of the problem. 1959% 1960Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 1961% 1962If several things that could have gone wrong have not 1963gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial 1964for them to have gone wrong. 1965% 1966The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to 1967try on a new shirt. 1968% 1969Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than 1970a wet dog. 1971% 1972The severity of an itch is inversely proportional 1973to the reach. 1974% 1975A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and 1976nobody minds if you exchange it. 1977% 1978The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. 1979% 1980Ignorance should be painful. 1981% 1982The first insurance agent was David - 1983he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. 1984% 1985King Arthur ran the first knight club. 1986% 1987Magellan was the first strait man. 1988% 1989If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are 1990either a nitwit or a repairman. 1991% 1992If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know 1993what people are undecided about. 1994% 1995No news is ... impossible. 1996% 1997Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... 1998you have to blow your nose. 1999% 2000A penny saved is ... not much. 2001% 2002He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. 2003% 2004It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. 2005% 2006If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. 2007% 2008There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. 2009% 2010Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to 2011lick it. 2012% 2013One place where you're sure to find the perfect 2014driver is in the back seat. 2015% 2016Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception 2017of discount-priced fruitcakes. 2018% 2019How do they know no two snowflakes are alike? 2020% 2021How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented? 2022% 2023To err is human, to forgive is divine -- 2024but to forget it altogether is humane. 2025% 2026"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer than watching 2027one overhead. 2028% 2029The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva 2030nuisance, especially if you're using the tunnel 2031as a darkroom. 2032% 2033Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. 2034% 2035Never argue with an artist. 2036% 2037When in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble. 2038% 2039The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. 2040% 2041A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for 2042Christmas and spending them by Easter. 2043% 2044A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a 2045shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. 2046% 2047A budget is wondering why you should balance yours 2048if the government can not balance theirs. 2049% 2050A budget is trying to figure out how the family next 2051door is doing it. 2052% 2053A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber 2054has to make an emergency visit. 2055% 2056A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as 2057it did when you were first married. 2058% 2059A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because 2060it was marked down. 2061% 2062You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to 2063be an average consumer. 2064% 2065He who dies with the most toys wins. 2066% 2067A fool and his money soon go partying. 2068% 2069If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. 2070% 2071Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. 2072% 2073It is far better to do nothing than to do 2074something efficiently. 2075 -- Siezbo 2076% 2077The man who has no more problems is out of the game. 2078% 2079The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle 2080to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 2081% 2082A fool and his money are invited places. 2083% 2084All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. 2085% 2086The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached 2087to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. 2088% 2089After winning an argument with his wife, 2090the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. 2091% 2092If opportunity came disguised as temptation, 2093one knock would be enough. 2094% 2095If there was any justice in this world, people would 2096occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. 2097% 2098Easy doesn't do it. 2099% 2100Most people want to be delivered from temptation but 2101would like it to keep in touch. 2102% 2103When a distinguished scientist states something is possible, 2104he is almost certainly right. When he states that 2105something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2106% 2107Everyone gets away with something. 2108No one gets away with everything. 2109% 2110Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure 2111% 2112Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. 2113% 2114Real programmers don't write COBOL. 2115COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. 2116% 2117I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. 2118% 2119Real programmers do not document. 2120Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or 2121object code. 2122% 2123Real programmers don't write specs -- users should 2124consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and 2125take what they get. 2126% 2127Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard 2128to write, it should be hard to understand. 2129% 2130Real programmers don't write applications programs; they 2131program right down on the bare metal. Application 2132programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. 2133% 2134Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real 2135programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat 2136Twinkies and szechuan food. 2137% 2138Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But 2139if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into 2140working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. 2141% 2142Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real 2143programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they 2144were up all night. 2145% 2146Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no 2147programmers write in Basic after age 12. 2148% 2149Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for 2150programmers who can't decide whether to write in 2151COBOL or Fortran. 2152% 2153Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport 2154that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is 2155O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work 2156in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle 2157of the machine room. 2158% 2159Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or 2160any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong 2161typing is for people with weak memories. 2162% 2163On a clear disk, you can seek forever. 2164% 2165Hollerith got us into this hole mess! 2166% 2167No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, 2168with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the 2169first. 2170% 2171When things are going well, something will go wrong. 2172When things just can't get any worse, they will. 2173When things appear to be going better you have overlooked 2174something. 2175% 2176If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of 2177change will exceed the rate of progress. 2178% 2179No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug 2180a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even 2181harder to find. 2182% 2183A carelessly planned project will take three times 2184longer than expected; a carefully planned project will 2185take only twice as long. 2186% 2187After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said 2188than done 2189% 2190If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 2191% 2192Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig 2193likes it! 2194% 2195Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. 2196% 2197The six steps of program management are: 2198(1) Wild enthusiasm 2199(2) Disenchantment 2200(3) Total confusion 2201(4) Search for guilty 2202(5) Punishment for the innocent 2203(6) Promotion of the non-participants 2204% 2205He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 2206the next freeway exit. 2207% 2208An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is 2209merely better organized and uses slides. 2210% 2211Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have 2212to do it himself/herself. 2213% 2214You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to 2215float on his back, you've really got something. 2216% 2217You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you 2218gotta suit up for them all. 2219% 2220People are promoted not by what they can do, but what 2221people think they can do. 2222% 2223Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your 2224own. 2225% 2226I can only please one person per day. 2227Today is not your day. 2228(Tomorrow isn't looking good either.) 2229% 2230