murphy revision 141120
1%%$FreeBSD: head/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy 141120 2005-02-01 16:34:38Z ru $ 2When things are going well, someone will inevitably 3experiment detrimentally. 4% 5If not controlled, work will flow to the competent 6man until he submerges. 7% 8The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. 9% 10The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found 11in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. 12% 13It is impossible to build a fool proof system; 14because fools are so ingenious. 15% 16Talent in staff work or sales will continually be 17interpreted as managerial ability. 18% 19Information travels more surely to those with a 20lesser need to know. 21% 22The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his 23subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. 24% 25An original idea can never emerge from committee 26in its original form. 27% 28No good deed goes unpunished. 29% 30When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system 31will perform perfectly. 32% 33Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce 34multiple interpretations. 35% 36The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by 37the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. 38% 39On successive charts of the same organization, the number of 40boxes will never decrease. 41% 42It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, 43but some people abuse the privilege. 44% 45Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment 46to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. 47% 48Success can be insured only by devising a defense against 49failure of the contingency plan. 50% 51Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. 52% 53Performance is directly affected by the perversity of 54inanimate objects. 55% 56Leakproof seals --- will. 57% 58Never offend people with style 59when you can offend them with substance. 60% 61Our customers' paperwork is profit. 62Our own paperwork is loss. 63% 64At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. 65% 66As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. 67% 68This space for rent. 69% 70The more directives you issue to solve a problem, 71the worse it gets. 72% 73Cop-out number 1. 74You should have seen it when I got it. 75% 76When you're up to your ass in alligators, it is 77difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary 78objective was to drain the swamp. 79% 80The road to hell is paved with good intentions 81and littered with sloppy analyses! 82% 83Self starters --- won't. 84% 85If the assumptions are wrong, 86the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. 87% 88The organization of any program reflects the organization 89of the people who developed it. 90% 91There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", 92only a capitalist. 93% 94Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. 95% 96The meek will inherit the earth 97after the rest of us go to the stars. 98% 99Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: 100welfare or warfare. 101% 102History proves nothing. 103% 104A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much 105technological roccoco. 106% 107A little humility is arrogance. 108% 109Interchangeable parts --- won't. 110% 111Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of 112faults is proportional to the number of viewers. 113% 114All American cars are basically Chevrolets. 115% 116A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not 117take place. 118% 119No experiment is ever a complete failure. 120It can always be used as a bad example. 121% 122Despite the sign that says "wet paint", 123please don't. 124% 125Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 126% 127People don't change; they only become more so. 128% 129I finally got it all together... 130but I forgot where I put it. 131% 132If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is 133because of something left out, rather than added. 134% 135There is always one more bug. 136% 137The big guys always win. 138% 139Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 140% 141Any sufficiently advanced technology is 142indistinguishable from magic. 143% 144It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 145% 146It is better to be part of the idle rich class 147than be part of the idle poor class. 148% 149Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. 150% 151For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. 152% 153If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough 154chances are someone else will do it for you. 155% 156Everybody's gotta be someplace. 157% 158Nature is a mother. 159% 160If you've got them by the balls, 161their hearts and minds will follow. 162% 163People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell 164them Benjamin Franklin said it first. 165% 166If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. 167% 168Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 169% 170Any given program cost more and take longer. 171% 172If a program is useful, it will be changed. 173% 174If a program is useless, it will be documented. 175% 176Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 177% 178The value of a program is proportional 179to the weight of its output. 180% 181Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! 182% 183Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability 184of the programmer who must maintain it. 185% 186Make it possible for programmers to write programs 187in english and you will find that programmers cannot 188write in english. 189% 190When more and more people are thrown out of work, 191unemployment results. 192% 193If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. 194% 195The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... 196carefully edited truth. 197% 198There are three ways to get things done: 199 (1) Do it yourself, 200 (2) Hire someone to do it, or 201 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 202% 203I think ... therefore I am confused. 204% 205A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 206% 207History repeats itself. 208that's one of the things wrong with history. 209% 21090% of everything is crud. 211% 212Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. 213% 214Those with the best advice offer no advice. 215% 216Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman. 217% 218Democracy is that form of government where 219everybody gets what the majority deserves. 220% 221If you're worried about being crazy, 222don't be overly concerned: 223If you were, you would think you were sane. 224% 225Pills to be taken in twos always come 226out of the bottle in threes. 227% 228Flynn is dead 229Tron is dead 230long live the MCP. 231% 232Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! 233% 234Real programmers don't number paragraph names 235consecutively. 236% 237If you're feeling good, don't worry, 238you'll get over it. 239% 240Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages 241of Cobol when they don't know any other language. 242% 243Definition of an elephant: 244A mouse built to goverment specifications. 245% 246Real programmers are kind to rookies. 247% 248Real programmers don't notch their desks for each 249completed service request. 250% 251You don't have to be crazy to work here 252but it sure helps!!!!!!! 253% 254Real programmers don't announce how many times the 255operations department called them last night. 256% 257A day without sunshine .... 258is like ... night! 259% 260Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, 261which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. 262% 263Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. 264% 265Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 266% 267Real programmers understand Pascal. 268% 269Real programmers know it's not operations' 270fault if their jobs go into "hogs". 271% 272Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the 273vending machines. 274% 275Real programmers punch up their own programs. 276% 277When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. 278% 279Real programmers have read the standards manual 280but won't admit it. 281% 282Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. 283% 284Real programmers don't dress for success unless 285they are trying to convince others that they are 286going on interviews. 287% 288Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before 289walkthroughs. 290% 291All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. 292% 293Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a 294matter of principle. 295% 296The final test is when it goes production ... 297w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... 298w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t 299w h e n i t g o e s p r o 300% 301Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will 302always seem tense and overworked. 303% 304Real programmers always have a better idea. 305% 306Anyone who follows a crowd will 307never be followed by a crowd. 308% 309Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and 310binary math in their heads. 311% 312Real programmers don't write memos. 313% 314Real programmers know what saad means. 315% 316Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated 317decible level. 318% 319Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. 320% 321Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP 322situations. 323% 324I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... 325I shuffle along with the lost. 326% 327Real programmers do not read books like 328"effective listening" and "communication skills". 329% 330Real programmers print only clean compiles, 331fixing all errors through the terminal. 332% 333The early worm deserves the bird. 334% 335Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! 336% 337All good things must come to an end. 338I want to know when they start! 339% 340A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell 341in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 342% 343Blessed are those who go around in circles, 344for they shall be known as wheels. 345% 346Never eat prunes when you are famished. 347% 348Keep emotionally active, 349cater to your favorite neurosis. 350% 351A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. 352% 353RACF is a four letter word. 354% 355You may be recognized soon. 356Hide! 357If they find you, lie. 358% 359You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill 360how hard? 361Hard enough to make water run uphill. 362% 363Avoid reality at all costs. 364% 365Program design philosophy: 366 367 Start at the beginning and continue until the end, 368 then stop. 369 -- Lewis Carroll 370% 371A closed mouth gathers no foot. 372% 373Only a mediocre person is always at their best. 374% 375Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 376% 377In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, 378the greater the confusion. 379% 380The first time is for love. 381The next time is $200. 382% 383Of two possible events, 384only the undesired one will occur. 385% 386The faster the plane, 387the narrower the seats. 388% 389If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. 390% 391If on an actuarial basis there is a 50 50 chance that 392something will go wrong, 393It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. 394% 395A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. 396% 397The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to 398save all of the parts. 399% 4001) Things will get worse before they get better. 4012) Who said things would get better? 402% 403If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. 404% 405There is a solution to every problem; 406the only difficulty is finding it. 407% 408Don't make your doctor your heir. 409% 410Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. 411% 412If there isn't a law, there will be. 413% 414If you don't like the answer, 415you shouldn't have asked the question. 416% 417Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 418% 419You can't expect to hit the jackpot 420if you don't put a few nickles in the machine. 421% 422Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man 423in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially 424not symbolically. 425% 426Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse 427proportion to their soundness and validity. 428% 429A short cut is the longest distance between two points. 430% 431If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. 432% 433If you know, you can't say. 434% 435The meek shall inherit the earth, 436but not its mineral rights. 437% 4381) You can't win 4392) You can't break even 4403) You can't even quit the game 441% 442When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 443% 444Common sense is not so common. 445% 446If we learn by our mistakes, 447I'm getting one hell of an education!! 448% 449Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the 450embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 451% 452Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation 453for being useful. 454% 455You will always find something in the last place you look. 456% 457The probability of anything happening is in 458inverse ratio to its desirability. 459% 460The first myth of management is that it exists 461the second myth of management is that success equals skill. 462% 463If it's good they will stop making it. 464% 465Inside every large program 466is a small program struggling to get out. 467% 468A memorandum is written not to inform the reader 469but to protect the writer. 470% 471Never insult an alligator 472until after you have crossed the river. 473% 474Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. 475% 476When your opponent is down, kick him. 477% 478The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of 479someone he can blame it on. 480% 481The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered 482side down is directly proportional to the cost of the 483carpet. 484% 485In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 486% 487Last guys don't finish nice. 488% 489Never admit anything. 490Never regret anything 491whatever it is, you're not responsible. 492% 493If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. 494% 495When working toward the solution of a problem, 496it always helps if you know the answer. 497Provided of course you know there is a problem. 498% 499The usefulness of any meeting 500is in inverse proportion to the attendance. 501% 502The sun goes down just when you need it the most. 503% 504Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary 505drivel off the tv screen. 506% 507Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest 508number must happen. 509% 510No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after 511you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. 512% 513Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. 514% 515A disagreeable task is its own reward. 516% 517If things were left to chance, they'd be better. 518% 519The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk 520to the other end of the building. 521% 522Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. 523% 524A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, 525willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. 526% 527If a thing is done wrong ofter enough 528it becomes right. 529% 530People will buy anything that is one to a customer. 531% 532If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always 533manage to boot yourself in the posterior. 534% 535No one's life, liberty, or property are safe 536while the legislature is in session. 537% 538Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. 539% 540Bad news drives good news out of the media. 541% 542Just when you get really good at something, 543you don't need to do it anymore. 544% 545If facts do not conform to the theory, 546they must be disposed of. 547% 548Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. 549% 550When properly administered, vacations do not diminish 551productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing 552done, there is another week when your boss is away and you 553get twice as much done. 554% 555No matter what happens, there is always somebody 556who knew that it would. 557% 558The other line always moves faster. 559% 560Never eat at a place called moms, never play cards with a 561man named doc, and never lie down with a woman who has 562got more troubles than you. 563% 564To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. 565% 566When all else fails, read the instructions. 567% 568Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than 569you thought. 570% 571"Close" only counts in horseshoes, handgrenades and 572thermonuclear devices. 573% 574The lion and the calf shall lie down together, 575but the calf won't get much sleep. 576% 577If you fool around with a thing for very long you will 578screw it up. 579% 580It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, 581than to be coming up it. 582% 583A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing 584first. 585% 586Justice always prevails... 587three times out of seven. 588% 589If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, 590it needed replacing anyway. 591% 592I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, 593when you looked at it in the right way, did not become 594still more complicated. 595 -- Poul Anderson 596% 597Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath 598to the exact center. 599% 600No matter which direction you start, 601it's always against the wind coming back. 602% 603The repairman will never have seen a model quite like 604yours before. 605% 606Don't force it, 607get a bigger hammer. 608% 609When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, 610it will work perfectly. 611% 612An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. 613A pessimist is a married optimist! 614% 615A pessimist is an optimist with experience. 616% 617Old programmers never die - they just abend. 618% 619The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, 620even in the wrong denomination. 621% 622Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet 623somebody moves the ends! 624% 625Just because you are paranoid 626doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. 627% 628An Irishman is not drunk as long as 629he can hang onto a single blade of grass 630and not fall off the face of the earth. 631% 632If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong 633equipment. 634% 635Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, 636some prefer to just gargle. 637% 638Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. 639(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) 640% 641Everybody should believe in something; 642I believe I'll have another drink. 643% 644Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. 645% 646Build a system that even a fool can use, 647and only a fool will use it. 648% 649Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. 650% 651In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level 652of incompetence, and then remains there. 653% 654It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick 655up something from the floor while you get up. 656% 657You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash 658when the garbage truck is two doors away. 659% 660Misery no longer loves company 661nowdays it insists on it. 662% 663The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the 664strong, but that's the way to bet. 665% 666Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 667% 668There's never time to do it right, but there's always 669time to do it over. 670% 671On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone 672can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. 673% 674When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. 675% 676The more ridiculous a belief system, 677the higher probability of its success. 678% 679Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or 680fattening. 681% 682Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 683% 684It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 685% 686A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. 687% 688The ratio of time involved in work to time available for 689work is usually about 0.6 690% 691Remember the golden rule: 692Those that have the gold make the rules. 693% 694Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and 695knows it for he shall enjoy living. 696% 697Everything east of the San Andreas fault will evenutally 698plunge into the Atlantic ocean. 699% 700Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 701% 702Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, 703for he shall not be disappointed. 704% 705The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of 706an oncoming train. 707% 708Celibacy is not hereditary. 709% 710You can observe a lot just by watching. 711% 712If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, 713you will borrow it and 714you will break it. 715% 716Live within your income, 717even if you have to borrow to do so. 718% 719Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. 720% 721Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 722% 723To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. 724% 725An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 726% 727Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 728% 729A bird in the hand is dead. 730% 731A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 732% 733Never put all your eggs in your pocket. 734% 735If everything seems to be going well, 736you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. 737% 738If at first you don't succeed, 739blame it on your supervisor. 740% 741If more than one person is responsible for a 742miscalculation, no one will be at fault. 743% 744Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. 745% 746In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 747% 748When in doubt, mumble. 749When in trouble, delegate. 750When in charge, ponder. 751% 752Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! 753% 754Never argue with a fool, 755people might not know the difference. 756% 757You can't guard against the arbitrary. 758% 759People can be divided into three groups: 760Those who make things happen, 761Those who watch things happen and 762Those who wonder what happened. 763% 764The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. 765% 766You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without 767holding on. 768% 769In any household, junk accumulates to the space 770available for its storage. 771% 772Don't stop to stomp on ants 773when the elephants are stampeding. 774% 775The longer the title the less important the job. 776% 777Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion 778if it did occur, will occur. 779% 780When you are right be logical, 781when you are wrong be-fuddle. 782% 783For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- 784and it is always wrong. 785% 786There are no winners in life: Only survivors. 787% 788When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 789% 790The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you 791get back. 792% 793You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. 794% 795The idea is to die young as late as possible. 796% 797No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. 798% 799It's better to retire too soon than too late. 800% 801A man should be greater than some of his parts. 802% 803If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. 804% 805Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. 806% 807Everything takes longer than you expect. 808% 809Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. 810% 811If you see that there are four possible ways in which a 812procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a 813fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 814% 815Things get worse under pressure. 816% 817Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional 818and employ faulty reasoning. 819% 820A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 821% 822Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 823% 824The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the 825time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. 826% 827If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 828% 829Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. 830% 831All things being equal, all things are never equal. 832% 833Even paranoids have enemies. 834% 835Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 836% 837Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet 838reached their level of incompetence. 839% 840If at first you don't succeed, try something else. 841% 842If you're coasting, you're going downhill. 843% 844Never tell them what you wouldn't do. 845% 846The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely 847proportional to the subject's true value. 848% 849Indifference is the only sure defense. 850% 851Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. 852% 853If you want to get along, go along. 854% 855Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. 856% 857The easiest way to find something lost around the house 858is to buy a replacement. 859% 860Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always 861point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. 862% 863Make three correct guesses consectively and you will 864establish yourself as an expert. 865% 866It works better if you plug it in. 867% 868Quit while you're still behind. 869% 870If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, 871you better wear work shoes. 872% 873It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is 874from the top. 875% 876Any line, however short, is still too long. 877% 878Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. 879% 880If you can't measure output then you measure input. 881% 882Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of 883approximate, additional assumptions. 884% 885Never be first to do anything. 886% 887The chief cause of problems is solutions. 888% 889The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 890% 891A little ignorance can go a long way. 892% 893Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. 894% 895Entropy has us outnumbered. 896% 897Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. 898% 899Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. 900% 901A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. 902% 903Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. 904% 905Go where the money is. 906% 907Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the 908water that keeps it green. 909% 910A stagnant science is at a standstill. 911% 912Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 913% 914For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. 915% 916Can't produces countercan't. 917% 918If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent 919of doing you good, you should run for your life. 920% 921When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty 922to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. 923% 924If you can't convince them, confuse them. 925% 926Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. 927% 928All general statements are false. (Think about it.) 929% 930If it happens, it must be possible. 931% 932Them what gets--has. 933% 934If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue 935digging. 936% 937If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote 938programs, then the first woddpecker that came along would 939destroy civilization. 940% 941People will believe anything if you whisper it. 942% 943A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick 944in the pants. 945% 946Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold 947of something else. 948% 949A theory is better than its explanation. 950% 951Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing 952worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 953% 954Nobody notices when things go right. 955% 956There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 957% 958Roses are red violets are blue 959I am schizophrenic and so am I 960% 961If anything can go wrong, it will. 962% 963If anything can't go wrong it will. 964% 965If muprhy's law can go wrong, it will. 966% 967If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in 968the worst possible sequence. 969% 970After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle 971will repeat itself. 972% 973An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, 974and attacks the wounded. 975% 976Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. 977% 978No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody 979who knew it would. 980% 981The hidden flaw never remains hidden. 982% 983(1) Everything depends. 984(2) Nothing is always. 985(3) Everything is sometimes. 986% 987If you wait, it will go away 988... having done it's damage. 989If it was bad, it'll be back. 990% 991Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand 992wrong answers. 993% 994Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune 995moment. 996% 997When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the 998world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. 999% 1000In order for something to become clean, something 1001else must become dirty. 1002... but you can get everything dirty without getting 1003anything clean. 1004% 1005Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 1006% 1007The first place to look for anything is the last place 1008you would expect to find it. 1009% 1010You can always find what you're not looking for. 1011% 1012If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 1013% 1014It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly 1015suprised. 1016% 1017A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the 1018whole thing". 1019% 1020Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 1021% 1022When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 1023% 1024The time it takes to rectify a situation is 1025inversely proportional to the time it took 1026to do the damage. 1027% 1028An optimist believes we live in the best of all 1029possible worlds. 1030A pessimist fears this is true. 1031% 1032You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 1033damnfoolproof. 1034% 1035It takes longer to glue a vase together than to 1036break one. 1037% 1038It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than 1039to gain 'x' number of pounds. 1040% 1041The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in 1042will be taken by the person in front of you. 1043% 1044The other line moves faster. 1045% 1046If you change lines, the one you just left will start 1047to move faster than the one you are now in. 1048% 1049The longer you wait in line, the greater the 1050likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. 1051% 1052The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out 1053lane. 1054% 1055Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a 1056need for them an hour later. 1057% 1058(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church 1059 attendance will be down. 1060(2) If the weather is extremely good, church 1061 attendance will be down. 1062(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply 1063 church attendance will exceed all expectations. 1064% 1065If a situation requires undivided attention, it will 1066occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. 1067% 1068The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the 1069greater the number of dead and injured required for it 1070to become a story. 1071% 1072The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the 1073more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of 1074the situation. 1075% 1076The further you are from the facts of a situation, 1077the more you tend to believe news coverage of the 1078situation. 1079% 1080The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal 1081the letter. 1082% 1083The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. 1084% 1085Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book 1086is in print. 1087% 1088The first page the author turns to upon receiving an 1089advance copy will be the page containing the worst 1090error. 1091% 1092(1) Never draw what you can copy. 1093(2) Never copy what you can trace. 1094(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 1095% 1096The best shots happen immediately after the last 1097frame is exposed. 1098% 1099The best shots are generally attempted through the 1100lens cap. 1101% 1102Any surviving best shots are ruined when someone 1103inadvertently open the darkroom door and all of the 1104dark leaks out. 1105% 1106If a three-story buiding served by one elevator, nine 1107times out of ten the elevator care will be on a floor 1108where you are not. 1109% 1110The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, 1111campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies 1112directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. 1113% 1114The distance to the gate is inversely proportional 1115to the time available to catch you flight. 1116% 1117As soon as the flight attendant serves the coffee, the 1118airliner encounters turbulence. 1119% 1120Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 1121% 1122Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will 1123come in on another one. 1124% 1125When travelling overseas, the exchange rate improves 1126markedly the day after one has purchased foreign 1127currency. 1128% 1129Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as 1130soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. 1131% 1132The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 1133% 1134For every action, there is an equal and opposite 1135criticism. 1136% 1137Authorization for a project will be granted only when 1138none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project 1139fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit 1140if it succeeds. 1141% 1142If an idea can survive a bureacratic review and be 1143implemented, it wasn't worth doing. 1144% 1145The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, 1146the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even 1147if it subsequently becomes irrevelant. 1148% 1149The higher the level of prestige accorded the people 1150behind the plan, the least less chance there is of 1151abandoning it. 1152% 1153In any organization there will always be one person 1154who knows what is going on. 1155This person must be fired. 1156% 1157It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 1158% 1159Far-way talent always seems better than home-developed 1160talent. 1161% 1162Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over 1163experience. 1164% 1165Some people manage by the book, even though they 1166don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 1167% 1168Don't let your superiors know you're better than 1169they are. 1170% 1171You never know who's right, but you always know 1172who's in charge. 1173% 1174(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 1175(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough 1176 facts. 1177(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. 1178% 1179The boss who attempts to impress employees with his 1180knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his 1181final objective. 1182% 1183You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you 1184don't burn your bridges until you come to them. 1185% 1186In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies 1187inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty 1188of the task. 1189% 1190The client who pays the least complains the most 1191% 1192A lack of planning on your part 1193does not constitute an emergency on my part. 1194% 1195I know you believe you understand 1196 what you think I said, 1197 however, I am not sure you realize, 1198 that what I think you heard 1199 is not what I meant 1200% 1201Real programmers don't eat muffins. 1202% 1203In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend 1204more and more time reporting on the less and less you 1205are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of 1206your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 1207% 1208Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for 1209a number and then give it back to them. 1210% 1211When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it 1212around instead of picking it up. 1213% 1214The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely 1215proportional to the number of other people who are in 1216a position to do it instead. 1217% 1218Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. 1219% 1220No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made 1221but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. 1222% 1223For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. 1224% 1225The inside contact that you have developed at great 1226expense is the first person to be let go in any 1227reorganization. 1228% 1229It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one 1230who's redundant. 1231% 1232Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 1233% 1234If you're early, it'll be cancelled. 1235If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will 1236 have to wait. 1237If you're late, you will be too late. 1238% 1239A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept 1240and the hours are lost. 1241% 1242If you leave the room, you're elected. 1243% 1244The cream rises to the top. 1245So does the scum. 1246% 1247You can never do just one thing. 1248% 1249There's no time like the present for postponing 1250what you don't want to do. 1251% 1252Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. 1253% 1254The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the 1255greater the chance of failure. 1256% 1257Simple jobs always get put off because there will be 1258time to do them later. 1259% 1260Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 1261% 1262A work project expands to fill the space available. 1263% 1264No matter how large the work space, if two projects 1265must be done at the same time they will require the 1266same part of the work space. 1267% 1268The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one 1269missing from the tool chest. 1270% 1271Most projects require three hands. 1272% 1273Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. 1274% 1275The more carefully you plan a project, the more 1276confusion there is when something goes wrong. 1277% 1278Murphy's rule for precision: 1279 Measure with a micrometer 1280 Mark with chalk 1281 Cut with an axe 1282% 1283You can't fix it if it ain't broke. 1284% 1285First rule of intelligent tinkering: 1286 Save all the parts 1287% 1288Access holes will be 1/2" too small. 1289Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. 1290% 1291If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company 1292will insist upon repairing the old one. 1293% 1294If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the 1295company will insist on the latest model. 1296% 1297The primary function of the design engineer is to make 1298things difficult for the fabricator and impossible 1299for the serviceman. 1300% 1301That component of any circuit which has the shortest 1302service life will be placed in the least 1303accessible location. 1304% 1305Any circuit design must contain at least one part which 1306is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three 1307parts which at still under development. 1308% 1309Important letters which contain no errors will develop 1310errors in the mail. 1311% 1312Office machines which function perfectly during normal 1313business hours will break down when you return to the 1314office at night to use them for personal business. 1315% 1316Machines that have broken down will work perfectly 1317when the repairman arrives. 1318% 1319Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick 1320them will stick to other things when you don't want 1321them to. 1322% 1323Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by 1324spontaneously moving from where you left them to where 1325you can't find them. 1326% 1327The last person who quit or was fired will be held 1328responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until 1329the next person quits or is fired. 1330% 1331If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you 1332don't want his the paper. 1333% 1334The one time in the day that you lean back and relax 1335is the one time the boss walks through the office. 1336% 1337Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. 1338% 1339When you do not know what you are going, do it neatly. 1340% 1341Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. 1342% 1343Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 1344% 1345(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 1346(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. 1347(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. 1348% 1349Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. 1350% 1351The quality of correlation is inversely proportional 1352to the density of control. 1353% 1354If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the 1355test only once. 1356% 1357If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two 1358data points. 1359% 1360Any technical problem can be overcome given enough 1361time and money. 1362% 1363You are never given enough time or money. 1364% 1365Unless the results are known in advance, funding 1366agencies will reject the proposal. 1367% 1368It is better to solve a problem with a crude 1369approximation and know the truth, than to demand an 1370exact solution and not know the truth at all. 1371% 1372An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful 1373than a complex, incomprehensible truth. 1374% 1375Anyone who make a significant contribution to any field 1376of endeavor and stays in that field long enough, 1377becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct 1378proportion to the importance of his original contribution. 1379% 1380If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will 1381become central to his theory. 1382 1383His theory, in turn, will become central to all 1384scientific truth. 1385% 1386There is no such thing as a straight line. 1387% 1388In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur 1389at the opposite end to the end at which you begin 1390checking for errors. 1391% 1392Only errors exist. 1393% 1394One man's error is another man's data. 1395% 1396To err is human, but to really foul things up requires 1397a computer. 1398% 1399When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. 1400% 1401Never test for an error condition you don't know 1402how to handle. 1403% 1404Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since 1405nobody listens. 1406% 1407People who love sausage and respect the law should 1408never watch either one being made. 1409% 1410No matter what they're telling you, they're not 1411telling you the whole truth. 1412% 1413No matter what they're talking about, they're 1414talking about money. 1415% 1416In any dealings with a collective body of people, the 1417people will always be more tacky than originally expected. 1418% 1419If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 1420theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. 1421% 1422Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. 1423% 1424When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, 1425responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. 1426% 1427When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough 1428the public will not have enough stake in any one 1429expenditure to squelch it. 1430% 1431When the government bureau's remedies do not match your 1432problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 1433% 1434A fool and your money are soon partners. 1435% 1436You may know where the market is going, but you can't 1437possibly know where it's going after that. 1438% 1439Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 1440% 1441Trial balances don't. 1442% 1443Working capital doesn't. 1444% 1445Liquidity tends to run out. 1446% 1447Return on investments won't. 1448% 1449If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. 1450% 1451Mass man must be serviced by mass means. 1452% 1453Everything is contagious. 1454% 1455Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. 1456% 1457The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake 1458that you've got it made. 1459% 1460An expert is anyone from out of town. 1461% 1462An expert is one who knows more and more about less 1463and less until he knows absolutely everything 1464about nothing. 1465% 1466To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job 1467will take the longest and cost the most. 1468% 1469If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just 1470become the expert. 1471% 1472Indecision is the basis for flexibility. 1473% 1474Anything is possible if you don't know what you're 1475talking about. 1476% 1477Never create a problem for which you do not have 1478the answer. 1479% 1480Create problems for which only you have the answer. 1481% 1482A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 1483% 1484Hindsight is an exact science. 1485% 1486History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely 1487repeat each other. 1488% 1489Fact is solidified opinion. 1490% 1491Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. 1492% 1493Truth is elastic. 1494% 1495When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. 1496% 1497When in trouble, obfuscate. 1498% 1499Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is 1500wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing 1501a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. 1502% 1503It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex 1504task to make them simple. 1505% 1506If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he 1507will find an easier way to do it. 1508% 1509Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or 1510exceeding the greatness of the idea. 1511% 1512Never attribute to malice that which is adequately 1513explained by stupidity. 1514% 1515New systems generate new problems. 1516% 1517Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. 1518% 1519Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. 1520% 1521Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. 1522% 1523The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. 1524% 1525A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of 1526a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. 1527% 1528People in systems do not do what the systems says 1529they are doing. 1530% 1531The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. 1532% 1533A complex system that works is invariably found to have 1534evolved from a simple system that works. 1535% 1536A complex system designed from scratch never works and 1537cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start 1538over, beginning with a working simple system. 1539% 1540(1) Everything is a system. 1541(2) Everything is part of a larger system. 1542(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward 1543 (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). 1544(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illuison 1545 of simplicity comes from focussing attention on 1546 one or a few variables). 1547% 1548Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. 1549% 1550If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students 1551you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. 1552% 1553Class schedules are designed so that every student will 1554waste the maximum time between classes. 1555% 1556Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll 1557show you somebody who's never achieved much. 1558% 1559When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's 1560sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. 1561% 1562When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, 1563they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of 1564the campus. 1565% 1566A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered 1567only during the semester following the desired course. 1568% 1569When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most 1570important ones will be illegible. 1571% 1572The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure 1573you are as to which answer they want. 1574% 157580% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture 1576you missed about the one book you didn't read. 1577% 1578The night before the english history mid-term, your 1579biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 1580% 1581Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else 1582to do except study for that instructor's course. 1583% 1584If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget 1585your book. 1586If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget 1587where you live. 1588% 1589At the end of the semester you will recall having 1590enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester 1591-- and never attending. 1592% 1593The one course you must take to graduate will not be 1594offered during your last semester. 1595% 1596The more general the title of a course, the less 1597you will learn from it. 1598% 1599The more specific the title of a course, the less you 1600will be able to apply it later. 1601% 1602The most valuable quotation will be the one for which 1603you cannot determine the source. 1604% 1605The source for an unattributed quotation will appear 1606in the most hostile review of your work. 1607% 1608When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does 1609not understand, his work will be understood only by 1610readers who know more about that subject than he does. 1611% 1612Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the 1613first objective of communication -- informing 1614the uninformed. 1615% 1616When a student asks for a second time if you have read 1617his book report, he did not read the book. 1618% 1619If daily class attendance is mandatory, a schedules 1620exam will product increased absenteeism. If attendance 1621is optional, a schedules exam will produce persons you 1622have never seen before. 1623% 1624Just because your doctor has a name for your condition 1625doesn't mean he knows what it is. 1626% 1627The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the 1628waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for 1629your scheduled appointment. 1630% 1631Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. 1632% 1633You never have the right number of pills left on the 1634last day of a prescription. 1635% 1636The pills to be taken with meals will be the least 1637appetizing ones. 1638% 1639Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. 1640% 1641If your condition seems to be getting better, it's 1642probably your doctor getting sick. 1643% 1644Beware of the physician who is great at getting 1645out of trouble. 1646% 1647A drug is that substance which, when injected into a 1648rat, will produce a scientific report. 1649% 1650Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, 1651(1) positive, or 1652(2) negative. 1653If both answers are the same, don't do the test. 1654% 1655The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. 1656% 1657The feasibility of an operation is not the best 1658indiciation for its performance. 1659% 1660A physician's ability is inversely proportional 1661to his availability. 1662% 1663There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't 1664stay on and that which won't come off. 1665% 1666Everbody wants a pain shot at the same time. 1667% 1668Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were 1669passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing 1670out sleeping pills. 1671% 1672An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his 1673own physician. 1674% 1675Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. 1676% 1677At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from 1678the aisle arrive last. 1679% 1680Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the 1681scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. 1682% 1683Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by 1684firing the coach. 1685% 1686The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. 1687% 1688A free agent is anything but. 1689% 1690Hockey is a game played by six good players and the 1691home team. 1692% 1693Whatever can go to New York, will. 1694% 1695Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, 1696he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless 1697no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. 1698% 1699A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or 1700her opposition. 1701% 1702The only way to make up for being lost is to make 1703record time while you are lost. 1704% 1705The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number 1706and experience of the people you have on board. 1707% 1708No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock 1709once you have reached the furthest point from port 1710the wind will die. 1711% 1712The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing 1713season draws nearer. 1714% 1715The least experienced fisherman always catches the 1716biggest fish. 1717% 1718The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater 1719the chance of having to stop at the fish market 1720on the way home. 1721% 1722The worse your line is tangled, the better is the 1723fishing around you. 1724% 1725The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. 1726% 1727The mountain looks closer than it is. 1728% 1729All trails have more uphill sections that they have 1730level or downhill sections. 1731% 1732The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. 1733% 1734All things being equal, you lose. 1735 1736All things being in your favor, you still lose. 1737% 1738Win or lose, you lose. 1739% 1740It always takes longer to get there than to get back. 1741% 1742If everything is coming your way, you're in the 1743wrong lane. 1744% 1745If you allow someone to get in front of you either: 1746(1) The car in front will be the last one over a 1747 railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting 1748 for a long, slow-moving train; or 1749(2) you both will have the same destination and the 1750 other car will get the last parking space. 1751% 1752If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two 1753new parking spaces right in front of the building 1754entrance. 1755% 1756When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn 1757green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. 1758% 1759A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise 1760deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. 1761% 1762The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional 1763to the length of the passing zone. 1764% 1765The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly 1766in front of your eyes. 1767% 1768If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the 1769tool to get it off. 1770% 1771If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house 1772will have it back-ordered. 1773% 1774If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing 1775in the first place. 1776% 1777When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you 1778becomes a hammer. 1779% 1780No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end 1781up covered with grease and motor oil. 1782% 1783When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used 1784interchangeably. 1785% 1786Automotive engine reparing law: 1787If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. 1788% 1789If you lived here you'd be home now. 1790% 1791If it's good, they discontinue it. 1792% 1793It the shoe fits, it's ugly. 1794% 1795(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 1796(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't 1797 fit anyway. 1798(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 1799(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it 1800 falls apart the first time you wear it. 1801% 1802The one you want is never the one on sale. 1803% 1804Anything labeled "new" and/or "improved" isn't. 1805% 1806The label "new" and/or "improved" means the price went up. 1807% 1808The label "all new," "completely new" or "great news" 1809means the price went way way up. 1810% 1811If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet 1812it's not $19.95. 1813% 1814ACF2 is a four letter word. 1815% 1816If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, 1817the price will be unreasonable. 1818% 1819A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will 1820self-destruct on the 61st day. 1821% 1822The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week 1823after you've made your purchase: 1824 1825(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 1826(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". 1827% 1828If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive 1829your order. 1830If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before 1831your angry letter reaches its destination. 1832% 1833The most important item in an order will no longer 1834be available. 1835% 1836During the time an item is on back-order, it will be 1837available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. 1838% 1839Security isn't. 1840% 1841Management can't. 1842% 1843Sale promotions don't. 1844% 1845Consumer assistance doesn't. 1846% 1847Workers won't. 1848% 1849Cleanliness is next to impossible. 1850% 1851Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any 1852function adequately. 1853% 1854The more expensive the gadget, the less often you 1855will use it. 1856% 1857The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the 1858more difficult it will be to open the package. 1859% 1860In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, 1861the most vital measurement will be illegible. 1862% 1863Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it 1864only makes it worse. 1865% 1866You are always complimented on the item which took the 1867least effort to prepare. 1868 1869Example: 1870 If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be 1871 complimented on the baked potato. 1872% 1873The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store 1874to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. 1875% 1876The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal 1877the greater the chance you guests will spend the entire 1878meal discussing other meals they have had. 1879% 1880Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and 1881for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. 1882% 1883The rotten egg will be the one you break into the 1884cake batter. 1885% 1886Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be 1887needed immediately thereafter for something else. 1888% 1889Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will 1890be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. 1891% 1892Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion 1893to time spent preparing it. 1894% 1895Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. 1896% 1897If you're wondering if you took the meat out to 1898thaw, you didn't. 1899% 1900If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot 1901plugged in, you did. 1902% 1903If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up 1904bread and eggs on the way home, you do. 1905% 1906If you're wondering if you have enough money to take 1907the family out to eat tonight, you don't. 1908% 1909The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on 1910the other side. 1911% 1912Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. 1913% 1914All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. 1915% 1916Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the 1917cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the 1918cost of a new washer by .75. 1919% 1920There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. 1921% 1922If it's clean, it isn't laundry. 1923% 1924A child will not spill on a dirty floor. 1925% 1926An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 1927% 1928Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly 1929refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate 1930for an audience. 1931% 1932A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public 1933area to loudly demonstrate new acquired vocabulary. 1934% 1935The probablility of a cat eating its dinner has 1936absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food 1937placed before it. 1938% 1939The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss 1940to go in or out is directly proportional to the number 1941and importance of your dinner guests. 1942% 1943The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of 1944junk food available. 1945% 1946If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, 1947there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If 1948you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. 1949% 1950How long a minute is depends on which side of the 1951bathroom door you're on. 1952% 1953The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely 1954with its price and directly with its ugliness. 1955% 1956If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch 1957it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. 1958% 1959If there are only two shows worth watching, they will 1960be on together. 1961% 1962The only new TV show worth watching will be cancelled. 1963% 1964The TV show you've been looking forward to all week 1965will be preempted. 1966% 1967Most people deserve each other. 1968% 1969Possessions increase to fill the space available for 1970their storage. 1971% 1972When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal 1973% 1974(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the 1975 door, fumbling for your keys. 1976 1977(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click 1978 of the caller hanging up. 1979% 1980People to whom you are attracted invariably thing you 1981remind them of someone else. 1982% 1983The one who snores will fall asleep first. 1984% 1985Never get excited about a blind date because of how 1986it sounds over the phone. 1987% 1988The love letter you finally got the courage to send 1989will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to 1990make a fool of yourself in person. 1991% 1992Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. 1993 1994Your own romantic gestures seem fooolish and clumsy. 1995% 1996The length of a marriage is inversely proportional 1997to the amount spent on the wedding. 1998% 1999The probablility of meeting someone you know increases 2000when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 2001% 2002If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember 2003you - the next time he's in need. 2004% 2005Virtue is its own punishment. 2006% 2007If you do something right once, someone will ask 2008you to do it again. 2009% 2010The one day you'd sell your soul for something, 2011souls are a glut. 2012% 2013The scratch on the record is always through the song 2014you like most. 2015% 2016Superiority is recessive. 2017% 2018Forgive and remember. 2019% 2020Anything good in life either causes cancer in 2021laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. 2022% 2023To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is 2024even more human. 2025% 2026Whatever happens to you, it will previously have 2027happened to everyone you know only more so. 2028% 2029He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. 2030% 2031Don't worry over what other people are thinking about 2032you. They're too busy worrying over what you are 2033thinking about them. 2034% 2035In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the 2036organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, 2037the Peter Principle, etc. 2038% 2039Law expands in proportion to the resources available 2040for its enforcement. 2041% 2042Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 2043% 2044There are some things which are impossible to know - 2045but it is impossible to know these things. 2046% 2047When we try to pick out anything by itself we find 2048it hitched to everything else in the universe. 2049% 2050If one views his problem closely enough he will 2051recoginize himself as part of the problem. 2052% 2053Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 2054% 2055If several things that could have gone wrong have not 2056gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial 2057for them to have gone wrong. 2058% 2059The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to 2060try on a new shirt. 2061% 2062Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than 2063a wet dog. 2064% 2065The severity of an itch is inversely proportional 2066to the reach. 2067% 2068A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and 2069nobody minds if you exchange it. 2070% 2071The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. 2072% 2073Ignorance should be painful. 2074% 2075The first insurance agent was David - 2076he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. 2077% 2078King Arthur ran the first knight club. 2079% 2080Magellan was the first strait man. 2081% 2082If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are 2083either a nitwit or a repairman. 2084% 2085If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know 2086what people are undecided about. 2087% 2088No news is ... impossible. 2089% 2090Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... 2091you have to blow your nose. 2092% 2093A penny saved is ... not much. 2094% 2095He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. 2096% 2097It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. 2098% 2099If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. 2100% 2101There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. 2102% 2103Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to 2104lick it. 2105% 2106One place where you're sure to find the perfect 2107driver is in the back seat. 2108% 2109Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception 2110of discount-priced fruitcakes. 2111% 2112How do they know no two snowflakes are alike? 2113% 2114How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented? 2115% 2116To err is human, to forgive is divine -- 2117but to forget it altogether is humane. 2118% 2119"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer that watching 2120one overhead. 2121% 2122The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva 2123nuisance, especially if your're using the tunnel 2124as a darkroom. 2125% 2126Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. 2127% 2128Never argue with an artist. 2129% 2130When in doubt, don't muble, overexpose ... then mumble. 2131% 2132The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. 2133% 2134A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for 2135Christmas and spending them by Easter. 2136% 2137A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a 2138shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. 2139% 2140A budget is wondering why you should balance yours 2141if the government can not balance theirs. 2142% 2143A budget is trying to figure out how the family next 2144door is doing it. 2145% 2146A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber 2147has to make an emergency visit. 2148% 2149A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as 2150it did when you were first married. 2151% 2152A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because 2153it was marked down. 2154% 2155You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to 2156be an average consumer. 2157% 2158He who dies with the most toys wins. 2159% 2160A fool and his money soon go partying. 2161% 2162If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. 2163% 2164Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. 2165% 2166It is far better to do nothing that to do 2167something efficiently. 2168 -- Siezbo 2169% 2170The man who has no more problems is out of the game. 2171% 2172The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle 2173to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 2174% 2175A fool and his money are invited places. 2176% 2177All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. 2178% 2179The hand that rocks the craddle usually is attached 2180to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. 2181% 2182After winning an argument with his wife, 2183the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. 2184% 2185If opportunity came disguised as temptation, 2186one knock would be enough. 2187% 2188If there was any justice in this world, people would 2189occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. 2190% 2191Easy doesn't do it. 2192% 2193Most people want to be delivered from temptation but 2194would like it to keep in touch. 2195% 2196When a distinguised scientist states something is possible, 2197he is almost certainly right. When he states that 2198something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2199% 2200Everyone gets away with something. 2201No one gets away with everything. 2202% 2203Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure 2204% 2205Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. 2206% 2207Real programmers don't write COBOL. 2208COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. 2209% 2210I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. 2211% 2212Real programmers do not document. 2213Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or 2214object code. 2215% 2216Real programmers don't write specs -- users should 2217consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and 2218take what they get. 2219% 2220Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard 2221to write, it should be hard to understand. 2222% 2223Real programmers don't write apllications programs; they 2224program right down on the bare metal. Application 2225programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. 2226% 2227Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real 2228programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat 2229twinkies and szechuan food. 2230% 2231Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But 2232if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into 2233working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. 2234% 2235Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for 2236pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 2237% 2238Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real 2239programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they 2240were up all night. 2241% 2242Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no 2243programmers write in Basic after age 12. 2244% 2245Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for 2246programmers who can't decide whether to write in 2247COBOL or Fortran. 2248% 2249Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport 2250that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is 2251O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work 2252in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle 2253of the machine room. 2254% 2255Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or 2256any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong 2257typing is for people with weak memories. 2258% 2259On a clear disk, you can seek forever. 2260% 2261Hollerith got us into this hole mess! 2262% 2263No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, 2264with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the 2265first. 2266% 2267When things are going well, something will go wrong. 2268When things just can't get any worse, they will. 2269When things appear to be going better you have overlooked 2270something. 2271% 2272If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of 2273change will exceed the rate of progress. 2274% 2275No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug 2276a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even 2277harder to find. 2278% 2279A carelessly planned project will take three times 2280longer than expected; a carefully planned project will 2281take only twice as long. 2282% 2283After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said 2284than done 2285% 2286If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 2287% 2288Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig 2289likes it! 2290% 2291Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. 2292% 2293The six steps of program management are: 2294(1) Wild enthusiasm 2295(2) Disenchantment 2296(3) Total confusion 2297(4) Search for guilty 2298(5) Punishment for the innocent 2299(6) Promotion of the non-participants 2300% 2301He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 2302the next freeway exit. 2303% 2304An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is 2305merely better organized and uses slides. 2306% 2307Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have 2308to do it himself/herself. 2309% 2310You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to 2311float on his back, you've really got something. 2312% 2313You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you 2314gotta suit up for them all. 2315% 2316People are promoted not by what they can do, but what 2317people think they can do. 2318% 2319Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your 2320own. 2321