murphy revision 112411
1178354Ssam%%$FreeBSD: head/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy 112411 2003-03-19 17:54:22Z eivind $ 2178354SsamWhen things are going well, someone will inevitably 3232946Sbschmidtexperiment detrimentally. 4178354Ssam% 5178354SsamIf not controlled, work will flow to the competent 6man until he submerges. 7% 8The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. 9% 10The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found 11in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. 12% 13It is impossible to build a fool proof system; 14because fools are so ingenious. 15% 16Talent in staff work or sales will continually be 17interpreted as managerial ability. 18% 19Information travels more surely to those with a 20lesser need to know. 21% 22The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his 23subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. 24% 25An original idea can never emerge from committee 26in its original form. 27% 28No good deed goes unpunished. 29% 30When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system 31will perform perfectly. 32% 33Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce 34multiple interpretations. 35% 36The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by 37the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. 38% 39On successive charts of the same organization, the number of 40boxes will never decrease. 41% 42It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, 43but some people abuse the privilege. 44% 45Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment 46to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. 47% 48Success can be insured only by devising a defense against 49failure of the contingency plan. 50% 51Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. 52% 53Performance is directly affected by the perversity of 54inanimate objects. 55% 56Leakproof seals --- will. 57% 58Never offend people with style 59when you can offend them with substance. 60% 61Our customers' paperwork is profit. 62Our own paperwork is loss. 63% 64At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. 65% 66As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. 67% 68This space for rent. 69% 70The more directives you issue to solve a problem, 71the worse it gets. 72% 73Cop-out number 1. 74You should have seen it when I got it. 75% 76When you're up to your ass in alligators, it is 77difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary 78objective was to drain the swamp. 79% 80The road to hell is paved with good intentions 81and littered with sloppy analyses! 82% 83Self starters --- won't. 84% 85If the assumptions are wrong, 86the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. 87% 88The organization of any program reflects the organization 89of the people who developed it. 90% 91There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", 92only a capitalist. 93% 94Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. 95% 96The meek will inherit the earth 97after the rest of us go to the stars. 98% 99Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: 100welfare or warfare. 101% 102History proves nothing. 103% 104A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much 105technological roccoco. 106% 107A little humility is arrogance. 108% 109Interchangeable parts --- won't. 110% 111Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of 112faults is proportional to the number of viewers. 113% 114All American cars are basically Chevrolets. 115% 116A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not 117take place. 118% 119No experiment is ever a complete failure. 120It can always be used as a bad example. 121% 122Despite the sign that says "wet paint", 123please don't. 124% 125Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 126% 127People don't change; they only become more so. 128% 129I finally got it all together... 130but I forgot where I put it. 131% 132If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is 133because of something left out, rather than added. 134% 135There is always one more bug. 136% 137The big guys always win. 138% 139Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 140% 141Any sufficiently advanced technology is 142indistinguishable from magic. 143% 144It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 145% 146It is better to be part of the idle rich class 147than be part of the idle poor class. 148% 149Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. 150% 151For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. 152% 153If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough 154chances are someone else will do it for you. 155% 156Everybody's gotta be someplace. 157% 158Nature is a mother. 159% 160If you've got them by the balls, 161their hearts and minds will follow. 162% 163People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell 164them Benjamin Franklin said it first. 165% 166If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. 167% 168Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 169% 170Any given program cost more and take longer. 171% 172If a program is useful, it will be changed. 173% 174If a program is useless, it will be documented. 175% 176Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 177% 178The value of a program is proportional 179to the weight of its output. 180% 181Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! 182% 183Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability 184of the programmer who must maintain it. 185% 186Make it possible for programmers to write programs 187in english and you will find that programmers cannot 188write in english. 189% 190When more and more people are thrown out of work, 191unemployment results. 192% 193If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. 194% 195The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... 196carefully edited truth. 197% 198There are three ways to get things done: 199 (1) Do it yourself, 200 (2) Hire someone to do it, or 201 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 202% 203I think ... therefore I am confused. 204% 205A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 206% 207History repeats itself. 208that's one of the things wrong with history. 209% 21090% of everything is crud. 211% 212Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. 213% 214Those with the best advice offer no advice. 215% 216Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman. 217% 218Democracy is that form of government where 219everybody gets what the majority deserves. 220% 221If you're worried about being crazy, 222don't be overly concerned: 223If you were, you would think you were sane. 224% 225Pills to be taken in twos always come 226out of the bottle in threes. 227% 228Flynn is dead 229Tron is dead 230long live the MCP. 231% 232Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! 233% 234Real programmers don't number paragraph names 235consecutively. 236% 237If you're feeling good, don't worry, 238you'll get over it. 239% 240Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages 241of Cobol when they don't know any other language. 242% 243Definition of an elephant: 244A mouse built to goverment specifications. 245% 246Real programmers are kind to rookies. 247% 248Real programmers don't notch their desks for each 249completed service request. 250% 251You don't have to be crazy to work here 252but it sure helps!!!!!!! 253% 254Real programmers don't announce how many times the 255operations department called them last night. 256% 257A day without sunshine .... 258is like ... night! 259% 260Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, 261which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. 262% 263Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. 264% 265Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 266% 267Real programmers understand Pascal. 268% 269Real programmers know it's not operations' 270fault if their jobs go into "hogs". 271% 272Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the 273vending machines. 274% 275Real programmers punch up their own programs. 276% 277When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. 278% 279Real programmers have read the standards manual 280but won't admit it. 281% 282Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. 283% 284Real programmers don't dress for success unless 285they are trying to convince others that they are 286going on interviews. 287% 288Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before 289walkthroughs. 290% 291All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. 292% 293Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a 294matter of principle. 295% 296The final test is when it goes production ... 297w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... 298w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t 299w h e n i t g o e s p r o 300% 301Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will 302always seem tense and overworked. 303% 304Real programmers always have a better idea. 305% 306Anyone who follows a crowd will 307never be followed by a crowd. 308% 309Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and 310binary math in their heads. 311% 312Real programmers don't write memos. 313% 314Real programmers know what saad means. 315% 316Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated 317decible level. 318% 319Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. 320% 321Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP 322situations. 323% 324I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... 325I shuffle along with the lost. 326% 327Real programmers do not read books like 328"effective listening" and "communication skills". 329% 330Real programmers print only clean compiles, 331fixing all errors through the terminal. 332% 333The early worm deserves the bird. 334% 335Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! 336% 337All good things must come to an end. 338I want to know when they start! 339% 340A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell 341in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 342% 343Blessed are those who go around in circles, 344for they shall be known as wheels. 345% 346Never eat prunes when you are famished. 347% 348Keep emotionally active, 349cater to your favorite neurosis. 350% 351A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. 352% 353RACF is a four letter word. 354% 355You may be recognized soon. 356Hide! 357If they find you, lie. 358% 359You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill 360how hard? 361Hard enough to make water run uphill. 362% 363Avoid reality at all costs. 364% 365Program design philosophy: 366 367 Start at the beginning and continue until the end, 368 then stop. 369 -- Lewis Carroll 370% 371A closed mouth gathers no foot. 372% 373Only a mediocre person is always at their best. 374% 375Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 376% 377In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, 378the greater the confusion. 379% 380The first time is for love. 381The next time is $200. 382% 383Of two possible events, 384only the undesired one will occur. 385% 386The faster the plane, 387the narrower the seats. 388% 389If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. 390% 391If on an actuarial basis there is a 50 50 chance that 392something will go wrong, 393It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. 394% 395A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. 396% 397The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to 398save all of the parts. 399% 4001) Things will get worse before they get better. 4012) Who said things would get better? 402% 403If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. 404% 405There is a solution to every problem; 406the only difficulty is finding it. 407% 408Don't make your doctor your heir. 409% 410Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. 411% 412If there isn't a law, there will be. 413% 414If you don't like the answer, 415you shouldn't have asked the question. 416% 417Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 418% 419You can't expect to hit the jackpot 420if you don't put a few nickles in the machine. 421% 422Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man 423in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially 424not symbolically. 425% 426Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse 427proportion to their soundness and validity. 428% 429A short cut is the longest distance between two points. 430% 431If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. 432% 433If you know, you can't say. 434% 435The meek shall inherit the earth, 436but not its mineral rights. 437% 4381) You can't win 4392) You can't break even 4403) You can't even quit the game 441% 442When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 443% 444Common sense is not so common. 445% 446If we learn by our mistakes, 447I'm getting one hell of an education!! 448% 449Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the 450embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 451% 452Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation 453for being useful. 454% 455You will always find something in the last place you look. 456% 457The probability of anything happening is in 458inverse ratio to its desirability. 459% 460The first myth of management is that it exists 461the second myth of management is that success equals skill. 462% 463If it's good they will stop making it. 464% 465Inside every large program 466is a small program struggling to get out. 467% 468A memorandum is written not to inform the reader 469but to protect the writer. 470% 471Never insult an alligator 472until after you have crossed the river. 473% 474Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. 475% 476When your opponent is down, kick him. 477% 478The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of 479someone he can blame it on. 480% 481The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered 482side down is directly proportional to the cost of the 483carpet. 484% 485In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 486% 487Last guys don't finish nice. 488% 489Never admit anything. 490Never regret anything 491whatever it is, you're not responsible. 492% 493If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. 494% 495When working toward the solution of a problem, 496it always helps if you know the answer. 497Provided of course you know there is a problem. 498% 499The usefulness of any meeting 500is in inverse proportion to the attendance. 501% 502The sun goes down just when you need it the most. 503% 504Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary 505drivel off the tv screen. 506% 507Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest 508number must happen. 509% 510No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after 511you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. 512% 513Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. 514% 515A disagreeable task is its own reward. 516% 517If things were left to chance, they'd be better. 518% 519The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk 520to the other end of the building. 521% 522Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. 523% 524A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, 525willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. 526% 527If a thing is done wrong ofter enough 528it becomes right. 529% 530People will buy anything that is one to a customer. 531% 532If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always 533manage to boot yourself in the posterior. 534% 535No one's life, liberty, or property are safe 536while the legislature is in session. 537% 538Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. 539% 540Bad news drives good news out of the media. 541% 542Just when you get really good at something, 543you don't need to do it anymore. 544% 545If facts do not conform to the theory, 546they must be disposed of. 547% 548Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. 549% 550When properly administered, vacations do not diminish 551productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing 552done, there is another week when your boss is away and you 553get twice as much done. 554% 555No matter what happens, there is always somebody 556who knew that it would. 557% 558The other line always moves faster. 559% 560Never eat at a place called moms, never play cards with a 561man named doc, and never lie down with a woman who has 562got more troubles than you. 563% 564To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. 565% 566When all else fails, read the instructions. 567% 568Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than 569you thought. 570% 571"Close" only counts in horseshoes, handgrenades and 572thermonuclear devices. 573% 574The lion and the calf shall lie down together, 575but the calf won't get much sleep. 576% 577If you fool around with a thing for very long you will 578screw it up. 579% 580It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, 581than to be coming up it. 582% 583A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing 584first. 585% 586Justice always prevails... 587three times out of seven. 588% 589If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, 590it needed replacing anyway. 591% 592I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, 593when you looked at it in the right way, did not become 594still more complicated. 595 -- Poul Anderson 596% 597Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath 598to the exact center. 599% 600No matter which direction you start, 601it's always against the wind coming back. 602% 603The repairman will never have seen a model quite like 604yours before. 605% 606Don't force it, 607get a bigger hammer. 608% 609When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, 610it will work perfectly. 611% 612An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. 613A pessimist is a married optimist! 614% 615A pessimist is an optimist with experience. 616% 617Old programmers never die - they just abend. 618% 619The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, 620even in the wrong denomination. 621% 622Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet 623somebody moves the ends! 624% 625Just because you are paranoid 626doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. 627% 628An Irishman is not drunk as long as 629he can hang onto a single blade of grass 630and not fall off the face of the earth. 631% 632If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong 633equipment. 634% 635Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, 636some prefer to just gargle. 637% 638Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. 639(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) 640% 641Everybody should believe in something; 642I believe I'll have another drink. 643% 644Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. 645% 646Build a system that even a fool can use, 647and only a fool will use it. 648% 649Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. 650% 651In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level 652of incompetence, and then remains there. 653% 654It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick 655up something from the floor while you get up. 656% 657You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash 658when the garbage truck is two doors away. 659% 660Misery no longer loves company 661nowdays it insists on it. 662% 663The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the 664strong, but that's the way to bet. 665% 666Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 667% 668There's never time to do it right, but there's always 669time to do it over. 670% 671On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone 672can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. 673% 674When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. 675% 676The more ridiculous a belief system, 677the higher probability of its success. 678% 679Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or 680fattening. 681% 682Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 683% 684It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 685% 686A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. 687% 688The ratio of time involved in work to time available for 689work is usually about 0.6 690% 691Remember the golden rule: 692Those that have the gold make the rules. 693% 694Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and 695knows it for he shall enjoy living. 696% 697Everything east of the San Andreas fault will evenutally 698plunge into the Atlantic ocean. 699% 700I finally got it all together ... 701but I forgot where I put it. 702% 703Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 704% 705Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, 706for he shall not be disappointed. 707% 708The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of 709an oncoming train. 710% 711Celibacy is not hereditary. 712% 713You can observe a lot just by watching. 714% 715If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, 716you will borrow it and 717you will break it. 718% 719Live within your income, 720even if you have to borrow to do so. 721% 722Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. 723% 724Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 725% 726To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. 727% 728An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 729% 730Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 731% 732A bird in the hand is dead. 733% 734A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 735% 736Never put all your eggs in your pocket. 737% 738If everything seems to be going well, 739you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. 740% 741If at first you don't succeed, 742blame it on your supervisor. 743% 744If more than one person is responsible for a 745miscalculation, no one will be at fault. 746% 747Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. 748% 749In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 750% 751When in doubt, mumble. 752When in trouble, delegate. 753When in charge, ponder. 754% 755Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! 756% 757Never argue with a fool, 758people might not know the difference. 759% 760You can't guard against the arbitrary. 761% 762People can be divided into three groups: 763Those who make things happen, 764Those who watch things happen and 765Those who wonder what happened. 766% 767I no longer get lost in the shuffle, 768I shuffle along with the lost. 769% 770The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. 771% 772You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without 773holding on. 774% 775In any household, junk accumulates to the the space 776available for its storage. 777% 778Don't stop to stomp on ants 779when the elephants are stampeding. 780% 781The longer the title the less important the job. 782% 783Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion 784if it did occur, will occur. 785% 786When you are right be logical, 787when you are wrong be-fuddle. 788% 789For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- 790and it is always wrong. 791% 792There are no winners in life: Only survivors. 793% 794When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 795% 796The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you 797get back. 798% 799You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. 800% 801The idea is to die young as late as possible. 802% 803No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. 804% 805It's better to retire too soon than too late. 806% 807A man should be greater than some of his parts. 808% 809If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. 810% 811Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. 812% 813Everything takes longer than you expect. 814% 815Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. 816% 817If you see that there are four possible ways in which a 818procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a 819fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 820% 821Things get worse under pressure. 822% 823Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional 824and employ faulty reasoning. 825% 826A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 827% 828Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 829% 830The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the 831time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. 832% 833If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 834% 835Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. 836% 837All things being equal, all things are never equal. 838% 839Even paranoids have enemies. 840% 841Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 842% 843Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet 844reached their level of incompetence. 845% 846If at first you don't succeed, try something else. 847% 848If you're coasting, you're going downhill. 849% 850Never tell them what you wouldn't do. 851% 852The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely 853proportional to the subject's true value. 854% 855Indifference is the only sure defense. 856% 857Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 858% 859Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. 860% 861If you want to get along, go along. 862% 863Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. 864% 865The easiest way to find something lost around the house 866is to buy a replacement. 867% 868Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always 869point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. 870% 871Make three correct guesses consectively and you will 872establish yourself as an expert. 873% 874It works better if you plug it in. 875% 876Quit while you're still behind. 877% 878If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, 879you better wear work shoes. 880% 881It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is 882from the top. 883% 884Any line, however short, is still too long. 885% 886Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. 887% 888If you can't measure output then you measure input. 889% 890Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of 891approximate, additional assumptions. 892% 893Never be first to do anything. 894% 895The chief cause of problems is solutions. 896% 897The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 898% 899A little ignorance can go a long way. 900% 901Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. 902% 903Entropy has us outnumbered. 904% 905Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. 906% 907Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. 908% 909A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. 910% 911Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. 912% 913Go where the money is. 914% 915Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the 916water that keeps it green. 917% 918A stagnant science is at a standstill. 919% 920Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 921% 922For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. 923% 924Can't produces countercan't. 925% 926If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent 927of doing you good, you should run for your life. 928% 929When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty 930to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. 931% 932If you can't convince them, confuse them. 933% 934Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. 935% 936All general statements are false. (Think about it.) 937% 938If it happens, it must be possible. 939% 940Them what gets--has. 941% 942If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue 943digging. 944% 945If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote 946programs, then the first woddpecker that came along would 947destroy civilization. 948% 949People will believe anything if you whisper it. 950% 951A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick 952in the pants. 953% 954Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold 955of something else. 956% 957A theory is better than its explanation. 958% 959Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing 960worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 961% 962Nobody notices when things go right. 963% 964There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 965% 966Roses are red violets are blue 967I am schizophrenic and so am I 968% 969If anything can go wrong, it will. 970% 971If anything can't go wrong it will. 972% 973If muprhy's law can go wrong, it will. 974% 975If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in 976in the worst possible sequence. 977% 978After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle 979will repeat itself. 980% 981An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, 982and attacks the wounded. 983% 984Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. 985% 986No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody 987who knew it would. 988% 989Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 990% 991The hidden flaw never remains hidden. 992% 993(1) Everything depends. 994(2) Nothing is always. 995(3) Everything is sometimes. 996% 997If you wait, it will go away 998... having done it's damage. 999If it was bad, it'll be back. 1000% 1001Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand 1002wrong answers. 1003% 1004Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune 1005moment. 1006% 1007When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the 1008world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. 1009% 1010In order for something to become clean, something 1011else must become dirty. 1012... but you can get everything dirty without getting 1013anything clean. 1014% 1015Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 1016% 1017The first place to look for anything is the last place 1018you would expect to find it. 1019% 1020You can always find what you're not looking for. 1021% 1022If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 1023% 1024It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly 1025suprised. 1026% 1027A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the 1028whole thing". 1029% 1030Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 1031% 1032When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 1033% 1034The time it takes to rectify a situation is 1035inversely proportional to the time it took 1036to do the damage. 1037% 1038An optimist believes we live in the best of all 1039possible worlds. 1040A pessimist fears this is true. 1041% 1042You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 1043damnfoolproof. 1044% 1045It takes longer to glue a vase together than to 1046break one. 1047% 1048It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than 1049to gain 'x' number of pounds. 1050% 1051The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in 1052will be taken by the person in front of you. 1053% 1054The other line moves faster. 1055% 1056If you change lines, the one you just left will start 1057to move faster than the one you are now in. 1058% 1059The longer you wait in line, the greater the 1060likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. 1061% 1062The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out 1063lane. 1064% 1065Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a 1066need for them an hour later. 1067% 1068(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church 1069 attendance will be down. 1070(2) If the weather is extremely good, church 1071 attendance will be down. 1072(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply 1073 church attendance will exceed all expectations. 1074% 1075If a situation requires undivided attention, it will 1076occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. 1077% 1078The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the 1079greater the number of dead and injured required for it 1080to become a story. 1081% 1082The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the 1083more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of 1084the situation. 1085% 1086The further you are from the facts of a situation, 1087the more you tend to believe news coverage of the 1088situation. 1089% 1090The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal 1091the letter. 1092% 1093The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. 1094% 1095Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book 1096is in print. 1097% 1098The first page the author turns to upon receiving an 1099advance copy will be the page containing the worst 1100error. 1101% 1102(1) Never draw what you can copy. 1103(2) Never copy what you can trace. 1104(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 1105% 1106The best shots happen immediately after the last 1107frame is exposed. 1108% 1109The best shots are generally attempted through the 1110lens cap. 1111% 1112Any surviving best shots are ruined when someone 1113inadvertently open the darkroom door and all of the 1114dark leaks out. 1115% 1116If a three-story buiding served by one elevator, nine 1117times out of ten the elevator care will be on a floor 1118where you are not. 1119% 1120The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, 1121campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies 1122directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. 1123% 1124The distance to the gate is inversely proportional 1125to the time available to catch you flight. 1126% 1127As soon as the flight attendant serves the coffee, the 1128airliner encounters turbulence. 1129% 1130Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 1131% 1132Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will 1133come in on another one. 1134% 1135When travelling overseas, the exchange rate improves 1136markedly the day after one has purchased foreign 1137currency. 1138% 1139Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as 1140soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. 1141% 1142The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 1143% 1144For every action, there is an equal and opposite 1145criticism. 1146% 1147Authorization for a project will be granted only when 1148none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project 1149fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit 1150if it succeeds. 1151% 1152If an idea can survive a bureacratic review and be 1153implemented, it wasn't worth doing. 1154% 1155The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, 1156the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even 1157if it subsequently becomes irrevelant. 1158% 1159The higher the level of prestige accorded the people 1160behind the plan, the least less chance there is of 1161abandoning it. 1162% 1163In any organization there will always be one person 1164who knows what is going on. 1165This person must be fired. 1166% 1167It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 1168% 1169Far-way talent always seems better than home-developed 1170talent. 1171% 1172Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over 1173experience. 1174% 1175Some people manage by the book, even though they 1176don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 1177% 1178Don't let your superiors know you're better than 1179they are. 1180% 1181You never know who's right, but you always know 1182who's in charge. 1183% 1184(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 1185(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough 1186 facts. 1187(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. 1188% 1189The boss who attempts to impress employees with his 1190knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his 1191final objective. 1192% 1193You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you 1194don't burn your bridges until you come to them. 1195% 1196In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies 1197inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty 1198of the task. 1199% 1200The client who pays the least complains the most 1201% 1202A lack of planning on your part 1203does not constitute an emergency on my part. 1204% 1205I know you believe you understand 1206 what you think I said, 1207 however, I am not sure you realize, 1208 that what I think you heard 1209 is not what I meant 1210% 1211Real programmers don't eat muffins. 1212% 1213In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend 1214more and more time reporting on the less and less you 1215are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of 1216your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 1217% 1218Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for 1219a number and then give it back to them. 1220% 1221When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it 1222around instead of picking it up. 1223% 1224The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely 1225proportional to the number of other people who are in 1226a position to do it instead. 1227% 1228Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. 1229% 1230No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made 1231but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. 1232% 1233For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. 1234% 1235The inside contact that you have developed at great 1236expense is the first person to be let go in any 1237reorganization. 1238% 1239It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one 1240who's redundant. 1241% 1242Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 1243% 1244If you're early, it'll be cancelled. 1245If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will 1246 have to wait. 1247If you're late, you will be too late. 1248% 1249A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept 1250and the hours are lost. 1251% 1252If you leave the room, you're elected. 1253% 1254The cream rises to the top. 1255So does the scum. 1256% 1257You can never do just one thing. 1258% 1259There's no time like the present for postponing 1260what you don't want to do. 1261% 1262Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. 1263% 1264The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the 1265greater the chance of failure. 1266% 1267Simple jobs always get put off because there will be 1268time to do them later. 1269% 1270Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 1271% 1272A work project expands to fill the space available. 1273% 1274No matter how large the work space, if two projects 1275must be done at the same time they will require the 1276same part of the work space. 1277% 1278The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one 1279missing from the tool chest. 1280% 1281Most projects require three hands. 1282% 1283Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. 1284% 1285The more carefully you plan a project, the more 1286confusion there is when something goes wrong. 1287% 1288Murphy's rule for precision: 1289 Measure with a micrometer 1290 Mark with chalk 1291 Cut with an axe 1292% 1293You can't fix it if it ain't broke. 1294% 1295First rule of intelligent tinkering: 1296 Save all the parts 1297% 1298Access holes will be 1/2" too small. 1299Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. 1300% 1301If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company 1302will insist upon repairing the old one. 1303% 1304If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the 1305company will insist on the latest model. 1306% 1307The primary function of the design engineer is to make 1308things difficult for the fabricator and impossible 1309for the serviceman. 1310% 1311That component of any circuit which has the shortest 1312service life will be placed in the least 1313accessible location. 1314% 1315Any circuit design must contain at least one part which 1316is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three 1317parts which at still under development. 1318% 1319Important letters which contain no errors will develop 1320errors in the mail. 1321% 1322Office machines which function perfectly during normal 1323business hours will break down when you return to the 1324office at night to use them for personal business. 1325% 1326Machines that have broken down will work perfectly 1327when the repairman arrives. 1328% 1329Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick 1330them will stick to other things when you don't want 1331them to. 1332% 1333Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by 1334spontaneously moving from where you left them to where 1335you can't find them. 1336% 1337The last person who quit or was fired will be held 1338responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until 1339the next person quits or is fired. 1340% 1341If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you 1342don't want his the paper. 1343% 1344The one time in the day that you lean back and relax 1345is the one time the boss walks through the office. 1346% 1347Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. 1348% 1349When you do not know what you are going, do it neatly. 1350% 1351Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. 1352% 1353Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 1354% 1355(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 1356(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. 1357(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. 1358% 1359Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. 1360% 1361The quality of correlation is inversely proportional 1362to the density of control. 1363% 1364If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the 1365test only once. 1366% 1367If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two 1368data points. 1369% 1370Any technical problem can be overcome given enough 1371time and money. 1372% 1373You are never given enough time or money. 1374% 1375Unless the results are known in advance, funding 1376agencies will reject the proposal. 1377% 1378It is better to solve a problem with a crude 1379approximation and know the truth, than to demand an 1380exact solution and not know the truth at all. 1381% 1382An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful 1383than a complex, incomprehensible truth. 1384% 1385Anyone who make a significant contribution to any field 1386of endeavor and stays in that field long enough, 1387becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct 1388proportion to the importance of his original contribution. 1389% 1390If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will 1391become central to his theory. 1392 1393His theory, in turn, will become central to all 1394scientific truth. 1395% 1396There is no such thing as a straight line. 1397% 1398In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur 1399at the opposite end to the end at which you begin 1400checking for errors. 1401% 1402Only errors exist. 1403% 1404One man's error is another man's data. 1405% 1406To err is human, but to really foul things up requires 1407a computer. 1408% 1409When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. 1410% 1411Never test for an error condition you don't know 1412how to handle. 1413% 1414Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since 1415nobody listens. 1416% 1417People who love sausage and respect the law should 1418never watch either one being made. 1419% 1420No matter what they're telling you, they're not 1421telling you the whole truth. 1422% 1423No matter what they're talking about, they're 1424talking about money. 1425% 1426In any dealings with a collective body of people, the 1427people will always be more tacky than originally expected. 1428% 1429If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 1430theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. 1431% 1432Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. 1433% 1434When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, 1435responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. 1436% 1437When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough 1438the public will not have enough stake in any one 1439expenditure to squelch it. 1440% 1441When the government bureau's remedies do not match your 1442problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 1443% 1444A fool and your money are soon partners. 1445% 1446You may know where the market is going, but you can't 1447possibly know where it's going after that. 1448% 1449Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 1450% 1451Trial balances don't. 1452% 1453Working capital doesn't. 1454% 1455Liquidity tends to run out. 1456% 1457Return on investments won't. 1458% 1459If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. 1460% 1461Mass man must be serviced by mass means. 1462% 1463Everything is contagious. 1464% 1465Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. 1466% 1467The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake 1468that you've got it made. 1469% 1470An expert is anyone from out of town. 1471% 1472An expert is one who knows more and more about less 1473and less until he knows absolutely everything 1474about nothing. 1475% 1476To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job 1477will take the longest and cost the most. 1478% 1479If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just 1480become the expert. 1481% 1482Indecision is the basis for flexibility. 1483% 1484Anything is possible if you don't know what you're 1485talking about. 1486% 1487Never create a problem for which you do not have 1488the answer. 1489% 1490Create problems for which only you have the answer. 1491% 1492A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 1493% 1494Hindsight is an exact science. 1495% 1496History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely 1497repeat each other. 1498% 1499Fact is solidified opinion. 1500% 1501Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. 1502% 1503Truth is elastic. 1504% 1505When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. 1506% 1507When in trouble, obfuscate. 1508% 1509Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is 1510wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing 1511a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. 1512% 1513It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex 1514task to make them simple. 1515% 1516If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he 1517will find an easier way to do it. 1518% 1519Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or 1520exceeding the greatness of the idea. 1521% 1522Never attribute to malice that which is adequately 1523explained by stupidity. 1524% 1525New systems generate new problems. 1526% 1527Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. 1528% 1529Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. 1530% 1531Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. 1532% 1533The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. 1534% 1535A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of 1536a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. 1537% 1538People in systems do not do what the systems says 1539they are doing. 1540% 1541The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. 1542% 1543A complex system that works is invariably found to have 1544evolved from a simple system that works. 1545% 1546A complex system designed from scratch never works and 1547cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start 1548over, beginning with a working simple system. 1549% 1550(1) Everything is a system. 1551(2) Everything is part of a larger system. 1552(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward 1553 (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). 1554(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illuison 1555 of simplicity comes from focussing attention on 1556 one or a few variables). 1557% 1558Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. 1559% 1560If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students 1561you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. 1562% 1563Class schedules are designed so that every student will 1564waste the maximum time between classes. 1565% 1566Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll 1567show you somebody who's never achieved much. 1568% 1569When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's 1570sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. 1571% 1572When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, 1573they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of 1574the campus. 1575% 1576A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered 1577only during the semester following the desired course. 1578% 1579When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most 1580important ones will be illegible. 1581% 1582The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure 1583you are as to which answer they want. 1584% 158580% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture 1586you missed about the one book you didn't read. 1587% 1588The night before the english history mid-term, your 1589biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 1590% 1591Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else 1592to do except study for that instructor's course. 1593% 1594If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget 1595your book. 1596If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget 1597where you live. 1598% 1599At the end of the semester you will recall having 1600enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester 1601-- and never attending. 1602% 1603The one course you must take to graduate will not be 1604offered during your last semester. 1605% 1606The more general the title of a course, the less 1607you will learn from it. 1608% 1609The more specific the title of a course, the less you 1610will be able to apply it later. 1611% 1612The most valuable quotation will be the one for which 1613you cannot determine the source. 1614% 1615The source for an unattributed quotation will appear 1616in the most hostile review of your work. 1617% 1618When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does 1619not understand, his work will be understood only by 1620readers who know more about that subject than he does. 1621% 1622Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the 1623first objective of communication -- informing 1624the uninformed. 1625% 1626When a student asks for a second time if you have read 1627his book report, he did not read the book. 1628% 1629If daily class attendance is mandatory, a schedules 1630exam will product increased absenteeism. If attendance 1631is optional, a schedules exam will produce persons you 1632have never seen before. 1633% 1634Just because your doctor has a name for your condition 1635doesn't mean he knows what it is. 1636% 1637The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the 1638waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for 1639your scheduled appointment. 1640% 1641Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. 1642% 1643You never have the right number of pills left on the 1644last day of a prescription. 1645% 1646The pills to be taken with meals will be the least 1647appetizing ones. 1648% 1649Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. 1650% 1651If your condition seems to be getting better, it's 1652probably your doctor getting sick. 1653% 1654Beware of the physician who is great at getting 1655out of trouble. 1656% 1657A drug is that substance which, when injected into a 1658rat, will produce a scientific report. 1659% 1660Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, 1661(1) positive, or 1662(2) negative. 1663If both answers are the same, don't do the test. 1664% 1665The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. 1666% 1667The feasibility of an operation is not the best 1668indiciation for its performance. 1669% 1670A physician's ability is inversely proportional 1671to his availability. 1672% 1673There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't 1674stay on and that which won't come off. 1675% 1676Everbody wants a pain shot at the same time. 1677% 1678Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were 1679passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing 1680out sleeping pills. 1681% 1682An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his 1683own physician. 1684% 1685Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. 1686% 1687At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from 1688the aisle arrive last. 1689% 1690Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the 1691scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. 1692% 1693Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by 1694firing the coach. 1695% 1696The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. 1697% 1698A free agent is anything but. 1699% 1700Hockey is a game played by six good players and the 1701home team. 1702% 1703Whatever can go to New York, will. 1704% 1705Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, 1706he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless 1707no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. 1708% 1709Never leave hold of what you've got until you've 1710got hold of something else. 1711% 1712A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or 1713her opposition. 1714% 1715The only way to make up for being lost is to make 1716record time while you are lost. 1717% 1718The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number 1719and experience of the people you have on board. 1720% 1721No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock 1722once you have reached the furthest point from port 1723the wind will die. 1724% 1725The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing 1726season draws nearer. 1727% 1728The least experienced fisherman always catches the 1729biggest fish. 1730% 1731The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater 1732the chance of having to stop at the fish market 1733on the way home. 1734% 1735The worse your line is tangled, the better is the 1736fishing around you. 1737% 1738The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. 1739% 1740The mountain looks closer than it is. 1741% 1742All trails have more uphill sections that they have 1743level or downhill sections. 1744% 1745The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. 1746% 1747All things being equal, you lose. 1748 1749All things being in your favor, you still lose. 1750% 1751Win or lose, you lose. 1752% 1753No matter where you go, there you are! 1754% 1755It always takes longer to get there than to get back. 1756% 1757If everything is coming your way, you're in the 1758wrong lane. 1759% 1760If you allow someone to get in front of you either: 1761(1) The car in front will be the last one over a 1762 railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting 1763 for a long, slow-moving train; or 1764(2) you both will have the same destination and the 1765 other car will get the last parking space. 1766% 1767If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two 1768new parking spaces right in front of the building 1769entrance. 1770% 1771When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn 1772green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. 1773% 1774A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise 1775deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. 1776% 1777The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional 1778to the length of the passing zone. 1779% 1780The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly 1781in front of your eyes. 1782% 1783If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the 1784tool to get it off. 1785% 1786If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house 1787will have it back-ordered. 1788% 1789If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing 1790in the first place. 1791% 1792When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you 1793becomes a hammer. 1794% 1795No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end 1796up covered with grease and motor oil. 1797% 1798When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used 1799interchangeably. 1800% 1801Automotive engine reparing law: 1802If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. 1803% 1804If you lived here you'd be home now. 1805% 1806If it's good, they discontinue it. 1807% 1808It the shoe fits, it's ugly. 1809% 1810(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 1811(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't 1812 fit anyway. 1813(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 1814(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it 1815 falls apart the first time you wear it. 1816% 1817The one you want is never the one on sale. 1818% 1819Anything labeled "new" and/or "improved" isn't. 1820% 1821The label "new" and/or "improved" means the price went up. 1822% 1823The label "all new," "completely new" or "great news" 1824means the price went way way up. 1825% 1826If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet 1827it's not $19.95. 1828% 1829ACF2 is a four letter word. 1830% 1831If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, 1832the price will be unreasonable. 1833% 1834A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will 1835self-destruct on the 61st day. 1836% 1837The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week 1838after you've made your purchase: 1839 1840(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 1841(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". 1842% 1843If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive 1844your order. 1845If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before 1846your angry letter reaches its destination. 1847% 1848The most important item in an order will no longer 1849be available. 1850% 1851During the time an item is on back-order, it will be 1852available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. 1853% 1854People will buy anthing that's one to a customer. 1855% 1856Security isn't. 1857% 1858Management can't. 1859% 1860Sale promotions don't. 1861% 1862Consumer assistance doesn't. 1863% 1864Workers won't. 1865% 1866Cleanliness is next to impossible. 1867% 1868Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any 1869function adequately. 1870% 1871The more expensive the gadget, the less often you 1872will use it. 1873% 1874The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the 1875more difficult it will be to open the package. 1876% 1877In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, 1878the most vital measurement will be illegible. 1879% 1880Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it 1881only makes it worse. 1882% 1883You are always complimented on the item which took the 1884least effort to prepare. 1885 1886Example: 1887 If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be 1888 complimented on the baked potato. 1889% 1890The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store 1891to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. 1892% 1893The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal 1894the greater the chance you guests will spend the entire 1895meal discussing other meals they have had. 1896% 1897Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and 1898for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. 1899% 1900The rotten egg will be the one you break into the 1901cake batter. 1902% 1903Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be 1904needed immediately thereafter for something else. 1905% 1906Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will 1907be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. 1908% 1909Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion 1910to time spent preparing it. 1911% 1912Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. 1913% 1914If you're wondering if you took the meat out to 1915thaw, you didn't. 1916% 1917If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot 1918plugged in, you did. 1919% 1920If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up 1921bread and eggs on the way home, you do. 1922% 1923If you're wondering if you have enough money to take 1924the family out to eat tonight, you don't. 1925% 1926The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on 1927the other side. 1928% 1929Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. 1930% 1931All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. 1932% 1933Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the 1934cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the 1935cost of a new washer by .75. 1936% 1937There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. 1938% 1939If it's clean, it isn't laundry. 1940% 1941A child will not spill on a dirty floor. 1942% 1943An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 1944% 1945Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly 1946refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate 1947for an audience. 1948% 1949A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public 1950area to loudly demonstrate new acquired vocabulary. 1951% 1952The probablility of a cat eating its dinner has 1953absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food 1954placed before it. 1955% 1956The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss 1957to go in or out is directly proportional to the number 1958and importance of your dinner guests. 1959% 1960The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of 1961junk food available. 1962% 1963If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, 1964there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If 1965you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. 1966% 1967How long a minute is depends on which side of the 1968bathroom door you're on. 1969% 1970The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely 1971with its price and directly with its ugliness. 1972% 1973If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch 1974it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. 1975% 1976If there are only two shows worth watching, they will 1977be on together. 1978% 1979The only new TV show worth watching will be cancelled. 1980% 1981The TV show you've been looking forward to all week 1982will be preempted. 1983% 1984Most people deserve each other. 1985% 1986Possessions increase to fill the space available for 1987their storage. 1988% 1989When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal 1990% 1991(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the 1992 door, fumbling for your keys. 1993 1994(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click 1995 of the caller hanging up. 1996% 1997People to whom you are attracted invariably thing you 1998remind them of someone else. 1999% 2000The one who snores will fall asleep first. 2001% 2002Never get excited about a blind date because of how 2003it sounds over the phone. 2004% 2005The love letter you finally got the courage to send 2006will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to 2007make a fool of yourself in person. 2008% 2009Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. 2010 2011Your own romantic gestures seem fooolish and clumsy. 2012% 2013The length of a marriage is inversely proportional 2014to the amount spent on the wedding. 2015% 2016The probablility of meeting someone you know increases 2017when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 2018% 2019If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember 2020you - the next time he's in need. 2021% 2022Virtue is its own punishment. 2023% 2024If you do something right once, someone will ask 2025you to do it again. 2026% 2027The one day you'd sell your soul for something, 2028souls are a glut. 2029% 2030The scratch on the record is always through the song 2031you like most. 2032% 2033Superiority is recessive. 2034% 2035Forgive and remember. 2036% 2037Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral 2038or fattening. 2039% 2040Anything good in life either causes cancer in 2041laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. 2042% 2043To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is 2044even more human. 2045% 2046Whatever happens to you, it will previously have 2047happened to everyone you know only more so. 2048% 2049He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. 2050% 2051Don't worry over what other people are thinking about 2052you. They're too busy worrying over what you are 2053thinking about them. 2054% 2055In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the 2056organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, 2057the Peter Principle, etc. 2058% 2059Law expands in proportion to the resources available 2060for its enforcement. 2061% 2062Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 2063% 2064There are some things which are impossible to know - 2065but it is impossible to know these things. 2066% 2067When we try to pick out anything by itself we find 2068it hitched to everything else in the universe. 2069% 2070If one views his problem closely enough he will 2071recoginize himself as part of the problem. 2072% 2073Anything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 2074% 2075Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 2076% 2077If several things that could have gone wrong have not 2078gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial 2079for them to have gone wrong. 2080% 2081The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to 2082try on a new shirt. 2083% 2084Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than 2085a wet dog. 2086% 2087The severity of an itch is inversely proportional 2088to the reach. 2089% 2090A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and 2091nobody minds if you exchange it. 2092% 2093The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. 2094% 2095Ignorance should be painful. 2096% 2097The first insurance agent was David - 2098he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. 2099% 2100King Arthur ran the first knight club. 2101% 2102Magellan was the first strait man. 2103% 2104If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are 2105either a nitwit or a repairman. 2106% 2107If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know 2108what people are undecided about. 2109% 2110No news is ... impossible. 2111% 2112Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... 2113you have to blow your nose. 2114% 2115A penny saved is ... not much. 2116% 2117He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. 2118% 2119It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. 2120% 2121If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. 2122% 2123There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. 2124% 2125Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to 2126lick it. 2127% 2128One place where you're sure to find the perfect 2129driver is in the back seat. 2130% 2131Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception 2132of discount-priced fruitcakes. 2133% 2134How do they know no two snowflakes are alike? 2135% 2136How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented? 2137% 2138To err is human, to forgive is divine -- 2139but to forget it altogether is humane. 2140% 2141"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer that watching 2142one overhead. 2143% 2144The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva 2145nuisance, especially if your're using the tunnel 2146as a darkroom. 2147% 2148Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. 2149% 2150Never argue with an artist. 2151% 2152When in doubt, don't muble, overexpose ... then mumble. 2153% 2154The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. 2155% 2156A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for 2157Christmas and spending them by Easter. 2158% 2159A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a 2160shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. 2161% 2162A budget is wondering why you should balance yours 2163if the government can not balance theirs. 2164% 2165A budget is trying to figure out how the family next 2166door is doing it. 2167% 2168A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber 2169has to make an emergency visit. 2170% 2171A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as 2172it did when you were first married. 2173% 2174A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because 2175it was marked down. 2176% 2177You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to 2178be an average consumer. 2179% 2180He who dies with the most toys wins. 2181% 2182A fool and his money soon go partying. 2183% 2184If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. 2185% 2186Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. 2187% 2188It is far better to do nothing that to do 2189something efficiently. 2190 -- Siezbo 2191% 2192The man who has no more problems is out of the game. 2193% 2194The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle 2195to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 2196% 2197A fool and his money are invited places. 2198% 2199All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. 2200% 2201The hand that rocks the craddle usually is attached 2202to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. 2203% 2204After winning an argument with his wife, 2205the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. 2206% 2207If opportunity came disguised as temptation, 2208one knock would be enough. 2209% 2210If there was any justice in this world, people would 2211occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. 2212% 2213Easy doesn't do it. 2214% 2215Most people want to be delivered from temptation but 2216would like it to keep in touch. 2217% 2218When a distinguised scientist states something is possible, 2219he is almost certainly right. When he states that 2220something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2221% 2222Everyone gets away with something. 2223No one gets away with everything. 2224% 2225Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure 2226% 2227Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. 2228% 2229Real programmers don't write COBOL. 2230COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. 2231% 2232I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. 2233% 2234Real programmers do not document. 2235Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or 2236object code. 2237% 2238Real programmers don't write specs -- users should 2239consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and 2240take what they get. 2241% 2242Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard 2243to write, it should be hard to understand. 2244% 2245Real programmers don't write apllications programs; they 2246program right down on the bare metal. Application 2247programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. 2248% 2249Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real 2250programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat 2251twinkies and szechuan food. 2252% 2253Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But 2254if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into 2255working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. 2256% 2257Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for 2258pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 2259% 2260Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real 2261programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they 2262were up all night. 2263% 2264Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no 2265programmers write in Basic after age 12. 2266% 2267Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for 2268programmers who can't decide whether to write in 2269COBOL or Fortran. 2270% 2271Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport 2272that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is 2273O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work 2274in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle 2275of the machine room. 2276% 2277Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or 2278any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong 2279typing is for people with weak memories. 2280% 2281On a clear disk, you can seek forever. 2282% 2283Hollerith got us into this hole mess! 2284% 2285No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, 2286with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the 2287first. 2288% 2289When things are going well, something will go wrong. 2290When things just can't get any worse, they will. 2291When things appear to be going better you have overlooked 2292something. 2293% 2294If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of 2295change will exceed the rate of progress. 2296% 2297No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug 2298a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even 2299harder to find. 2300% 2301A carelessly planned project will take three times 2302longer than expected; a carefully planned project will 2303take only twice as long. 2304% 2305After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said 2306than done 2307% 2308If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 2309% 2310Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig 2311likes it! 2312% 2313Never argue with an idiot: People watching may not be able 2314to tell the difference. 2315% 2316Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. 2317% 2318The six steps of program management are: 2319(1) Wild enthusiasm 2320(2) Disenchantment 2321(3) Total confusion 2322(4) Search for guilty 2323(5) Punishment for the innocent 2324(6) Promotion of the non-participants 2325% 2326He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 2327the next freeway exit. 2328% 2329An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is 2330merely better organized and uses slides. 2331% 2332Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have 2333to do it himself/herself. 2334% 2335You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to 2336float on his back, you've really got something. 2337% 2338You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you 2339gotta suit up for them all. 2340% 2341People are promoted not by what they can do, but what 2342people think they can do. 2343% 2344Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your 2345own. 2346