murphy revision 60992
1%%$FreeBSD: head/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy 60992 2000-05-28 04:41:02Z hoek $ 2When things are going well, someone will inevitably 3experiment detrimentally. 4% 5If not controlled, work will flow to the competent 6man until he submerges. 7% 8The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. 9% 10The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found 11in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting 12% 13It is impossible to build a fool proof system; 14because fools are so ingenious. 15% 16Talent in staff work or sales will continually be 17interpreted as managerial ability. 18% 19Information travels more surely to those with a 20lesser need to know. 21% 22The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his 23subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. 24% 25An original idea can never emerge from committee 26in its original form. 27% 28No good deed goes unpunished. 29% 30When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system 31will perform perfectly. 32% 33Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce 34multiple interpretations. 35% 36The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by 37the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. 38% 39On successive charts of the same organization the number of 40boxes will never decrease. 41% 42It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, 43but some people abuse the privilege. 44% 45Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment 46to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. 47% 48Success can be insured only by devising a defense against 49failure of the contingency plan. 50% 51Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. 52% 53Performance is directly affected by the perversity of 54inanimate objects. 55% 56Leakproof seals --- will. 57% 58Never offend people with style 59when you can offend them with substance. 60% 61Our customers paperwork is profit 62our own paperwork is loss. 63% 64At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. 65% 66As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. 67% 68This space for rent. 69% 70The more directives you issue to solve a problem, 71the worse it gets. 72% 73Cop-out number 1. 74You should have seen it when I got it. 75% 76When you're up to your ass in alligators, it is 77difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary 78objective was to drain the swamp. 79% 80The road to hell is paved with good intentions 81and littered with sloppy analyses! 82% 83Self starters --- won't. 84% 85If the assumptions are wrong, 86the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. 87% 88The organization of any program reflects the organization 89of the people who developed it. 90% 91There is no such thng as a "dirty capitalist", 92only a capitalist. 93% 94Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. 95% 96The meek will inherit the earth 97after the rest of us go to the stars. 98% 99Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: 100welfare or warfare. 101% 102History proves nothing. 103% 104A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much 105technological roccoco. 106% 107A little humility is arrogance. 108% 109Interchangeable parts --- won't. 110% 111Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of 112faults is proportional to the number of viewers. 113% 114All american cars are basically chevrolets. 115% 116A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not 117take place. 118% 119No experiment is ever a complete failure. 120It can always be used as a bad example. 121% 122Despite the sign that says "wet paint", 123please don't. 124% 125Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 126% 127People don't change; they only become more so. 128% 129I finally got it all together... 130but I forgot where I put it. 131% 132If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is 133because of something left out, rather than added. 134% 135There is always one more bug. 136% 137The big guys always win. 138% 139Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 140% 141Any sufficiently advanced technology is 142indistinguishable from magic. 143% 144It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 145% 146It is better to be part of the idle rich class 147than be part of the idle poor class. 148% 149Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. 150% 151For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. 152% 153If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough 154chances are someone else will do it for you. 155% 156Everybody's gotta be someplace. 157% 158Nature is a mother. 159% 160If you've got them by the balls, 161their hearts and minds will follow. 162% 163People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell 164them Benjamin Franklin said it first. 165% 166If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. 167% 168Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 169% 170Any given program cost more and take longer. 171% 172If a program is useful, it will be changed. 173% 174If a program is useless, it will be documented. 175% 176Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 177% 178The value of a program is proportional 179to the weight of its output. 180% 181Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! 182% 183Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability 184of the programmer who must maintain it. 185% 186Make it possible for programmers to write programs 187in english and you will find that programmers cannot 188write in english. 189% 190When more and more people are thrown out of work 191unemployment results. 192% 193If you can't measure it, i'm not interested. 194% 195The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... 196carefully edited truth. 197% 198There are three ways to get things done: 199Do it yourself, 200Hire someone to do it, or 201Forbid your kids to do it. 202% 203I think ... therefore I am confused. 204% 205A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 206% 207History repeats itself. 208that's one of the things wrong with history. 209% 21090% of everything is crud. 211% 212Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. 213% 214Those with the best advice offer no advice. 215% 216Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman. 217% 218Democracy is that form of government where 219everybody gets what the majority deserves. 220% 221If you're worried about being crazy, 222don't be overly concerned: 223If you were, you would think you were sane. 224% 225Pills to be taken in twos always come 226out of the bottle in threes. 227% 228Flynn is dead 229Tron is dead 230long live the MCP. 231% 232Why worry about tomorrow? we may not make it through today! 233% 234Real programmers don't number paragraph names 235consecutively. 236% 237If you're feeling good, don't worry, 238you'll get over it. 239% 240Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages 241of Cobol when they don't know any other language. 242% 243Definition of an elephant: 244A mouse built to goverment specifications. 245% 246Real programmers are kind to rookies. 247% 248Real programmers don't notch their desks for each 249completed service request. 250% 251You don't have to be crazy to work here 252but it sure helps!!!!!!! 253% 254Real programmers don't announce how many times the 255operations department called them last night. 256% 257A day without sunshine .... 258is like ... night! 259% 260Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, 261which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. 262% 263Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. 264% 265Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 266% 267Real programmers understand Pascal. 268% 269Real programmers know it's not operations 270fault if their jobs go into "hogs." 271% 272Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the 273vending machines. 274% 275Real programmers punch up their own programs. 276% 277When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. 278% 279Real programmers have read the standards manual 280but won't admit it. 281% 282Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. 283% 284Real programmers don't dress for success unless 285they are trying to convince others that they are 286going on interviews. 287% 288Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before 289walkthroughs. 290% 291All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. 292% 293Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a 294matter of principle. 295% 296The final test is when it goes production ... 297w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... 298w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t 299w h e n i t g o e s p r o 300% 301Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will 302always seem tense and overworked. 303% 304Real programmers always have a better idea. 305% 306Anyone who follows a crowd will 307never be followed by a crowd. 308% 309Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and 310binary math in their heads. 311% 312Real programmers don't write memos. 313% 314Real programmers know what saad means. 315% 316Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated 317decible level. 318% 319Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. 320% 321Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP 322situations. 323% 324I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... 325I shuffle along with the lost. 326% 327Real programmers do not read books like 328"effective listening" and "communication skills". 329% 330Real programmers print only clean compiles, 331fixing all errors through the terminal. 332% 333The early worm deserves the bird. 334% 335Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! 336% 337All good things must come to an end. 338I want to know when they start! 339% 340A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell 341in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 342% 343Blessed are those who go around in circles, 344for they shall be known as wheels. 345% 346Never eat prunes when you are famished. 347% 348Keep emotionally active, 349cater to your favorite neurosis. 350% 351A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. 352% 353RACF is a four letter word. 354% 355You may be recognized soon. 356Hide! 357If they find you, lie. 358% 359You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill 360how hard? 361Hard enough to make water run uphill. 362% 363Avoid reality at all costs. 364% 365Program design philosophy: 366Start at the beginning and continue until the end, 367then stop. (Lewis Carroll) 368% 369A closed mouth gathers no foot. 370% 371Only a mediocre person is always at their best. 372% 373Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 374% 375In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, 376the greater the confusion. 377% 378The first time is for love 379the next time is $200. 380% 381Of two possible events, 382only the undesired one will occur. 383% 384The faster the plane, 385the narrower the seats. 386% 387If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. 388% 389If on an actuarial basis there is a 50 50 chance that 390something will go wrong, 391It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. 392% 393A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. 394% 395The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to 396save all of the parts. 397% 3981) Things will get worse before they get better. 3992) Who said things would get better? 400% 401If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. 402% 403There is a solution to every problem; 404the only difficulty is finding it. 405% 406Don't make your doctor your heir. 407% 408Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. 409% 410If there isn't a law, there will be. 411% 412If you don't like the answer, 413you shouldn't have asked the question. 414% 415Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 416% 417You can't expect to hit the jackpot 418if you don't put a few nickles in the machine. 419% 420Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man 421in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially 422not symbolically. 423% 424Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse 425proportion to their soundness and validity. 426% 427A short cut is the longest distance between two points. 428% 429If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. 430% 431If you know, you can't say. 432% 433The meek shall inherit the earth, 434but not its mineral rights. 435% 4361) You can't win 4372) You can't break even 4383) You can't even quit the game 439% 440When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 441% 442Common sense is not so common. 443% 444If we learn by our mistakes, 445I'm getting one hell of an education!! 446% 447Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the 448embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 449% 450Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation 451for being useful. 452% 453You will always find something in the last place you look. 454% 455The probability of anything happening is in 456inverse ratio to its desirability. 457% 458The first myth of management is that it exists 459the second myth of management is that success equals skill. 460% 461If it's good they will stop making it. 462% 463Inside every large program 464is a small program struggling to get out. 465% 466A memorandum is written not to inform the reader 467but to protect the writer. 468% 469Never insult an alligator 470until after you have crossed the river. 471% 472Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. 473% 474When your opponent is down, kick him. 475% 476The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of 477someone he can blame it on. 478% 479The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered 480side down is directly proportional to the cost of the 481carpet. 482% 483In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 484% 485Last guys don't finish nice. 486% 487Never admit anything. 488Never regret anything 489whatever it is, your not responsible. 490% 491If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. 492% 493When working toward the solution of a problem, 494it always helps if you know the answer. 495Provided of course you know there is a problem. 496% 497The usefulness of any meeting 498is in inverse proportion to the attendance. 499% 500The sun goes down just when you need it the most. 501% 502Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary 503drivel off the tv screen. 504% 505Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest 506number must happen. 507% 508No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after 509you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. 510% 511Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. 512% 513A disagreeable task is its own reward. 514% 515If things were left to chance, they'd be better. 516% 517The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk 518to the other end of the building. 519% 520Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. 521% 522A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, 523willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. 524% 525If a thing is done wrong ofter enough 526it becomes right. 527% 528People will buy anything that is one to a customer. 529% 530If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always 531manage to boot yourself in the posterior. 532% 533No one's life, liberty, or property are safe 534while the legislature is in session. 535% 536Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. 537% 538Bad news drives good news out of the media. 539% 540Just when you get really good at something, 541you don't need to do it anymore. 542% 543If facts do not conform to the theory, 544they must be disposed of. 545% 546Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. 547% 548When properly administered, vacations do not diminish 549productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing 550done, there is another week when your boss is away and you 551get twice as much done. 552% 553No matter what happens, there is always somebody 554who knew that it would. 555% 556The other line always moves faster. 557% 558Never eat at a place called moms, never play cards with a 559man named doc, and never lie down with a woman who has 560got more troubles than you. 561% 562To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. 563% 564When all else fails, read the instructions. 565% 566Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than 567you thought. 568% 569Close counts in horseshoes, handgrenades and 570thermonuclear devices. 571% 572The lion and the calf shall lie down together, 573but the calf won't get much sleep. 574% 575If you fool around with a thing for very long you will 576screw it up. 577% 578It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, 579than to be coming up it. 580% 581A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10� fuse by blowing 582first. 583% 584Justice always prevails... 585three times out of seven. 586% 587If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, 588it needed replacing anyway. 589% 590I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, 591when you looked at it in the right way, did not become 592still more complicated. Poul Anderson 593% 594Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath 595to the exact center. 596% 597No matter which direction you start, 598it's always against the wind coming back. 599% 600The repairman will never have seen a model quite like 601yours before. 602% 603Don't force it, 604get a bigger hammer. 605% 606When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, 607it will work perfectly. 608% 609Pity the poor egg; 610It only gets laid once in its life. 611% 612An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. 613A pessimist is a married optimist! 614% 615A pessimist is an optimist with experience. 616% 617Old programmers never die - they just abend. 618% 619The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, 620even in the wrong denomination. 621% 622Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet 623somebody moves the ends! 624% 625Just because you are paranoid 626doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. 627% 628An Irishman is not drunk as long as 629he can hang onto a single blade of grass 630and not fall off the face of the earth. 631% 632If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong 633equipment. 634% 635Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, 636some prefer to just gargle. 637% 638Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. 639(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) 640% 641Everybody should believe in something; 642I believe i'll have another drink. 643% 644Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. 645% 646Build a system that even a fool can use, 647and only a fool will use it. 648% 649You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. 650% 651Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. 652% 653It's always the wrong time of the month. 654% 655In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level 656of incompetence, and then remains there. 657% 658It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick 659up something from the floor while you get up. 660% 661You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash 662when the garbage truck is two doors away. 663% 664Misery no longer loves company 665nowdays it insists on it. 666% 667the race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the 668strong, but that's the way to bet. 669% 670Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 671% 672There's never time to do it right, but there's always 673time to do it over. 674% 675On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone 676can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. 677% 678When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. 679% 680The more ridiculous a belief system, 681the higher probability of its success. 682% 683Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or 684fattening. 685% 686Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 687% 688It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 689% 690When you're up to your nose ......., 691be sure to keep your mouth shut. 692% 693One's life tends to be like a beaver's, 694one dam thing after another. 695% 696A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. 697% 698The ratio of time involved in work to time available for 699work is usually about 0.6 700% 701Remember the golden rule: 702Those that have the gold make the rules. 703% 704Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and 705knows it for he shall enjoy living. 706% 707Everything east of the San Andreas fault will evenutally 708plunge into the Atlantic ocean. 709% 710I finally got it all together..... 711but I forgot where I put it. 712% 713Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 714% 715Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, 716for he shall not be disappointed. 717% 718The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of 719an oncoming train. 720% 721Celibacy is not hereditary. 722% 723You can observe a lot just by watching. 724% 725If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, 726you will borrow it and 727you will break it. 728% 729Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 730% 731Live within your income, 732even if you have to borrow to do so. 733% 734Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. 735% 736Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 737% 738To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. 739% 740An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 741% 742Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 743% 744A bird in the hand is dead. 745% 746A smith and wesson beats four aces. 747% 748Never put all your eggs in your pocket. 749% 750If everything seems to be going well, 751you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. 752% 753If at first you don't succeed, 754blame it on your supervisor. 755% 756If more than one person is responsible for a 757miscalculation, no one will be at fault. 758% 759Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. 760% 761In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 762% 763When in doubt, mumble. 764When in trouble, delegate. 765When in charge, ponder. 766% 767Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! 768% 769Never argue with a fool, 770people might not know the difference. 771% 772You can't guard against the arbitrary. 773% 774People can be divided into three groups: 775Those who make things happen, 776Those who watch things happen and 777Those who wonder what happened. 778% 779I no longer get lost in the shuffle, 780I shuffle along with the lost. 781% 782The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. 783% 784You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without 785holding on. 786% 787In any household, junk accumulates to the the space 788available for its storage. 789% 790Don't stop to stomp on ants 791when the elephants are stampeding. 792% 793The longer the title the less important the job. 794% 795Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion 796if it did occur, will occur. 797% 798When you are right be logical, 799When you are wrong be-fuddle. 800% 801For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- 802and it is always wrong. 803% 804There are no winners in life: Only survivors. 805% 806When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 807% 808The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you 809get back. 810% 811You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. 812% 813The idea is to die young as late as possible. 814% 815No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. 816% 817It's better to retire too soon than too late. 818% 819A man should be greater than some of his parts. 820% 821If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. 822% 823Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. 824% 825Everything takes longer than you expect. 826% 827Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. 828% 829If you see that there are four possible ways in which a 830procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a 831fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develope. 832% 833Things get worse under pressure. 834% 835Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional 836and employ faulty reasoning. 837% 838A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 839% 840Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 841% 842The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the 843time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. 844% 845If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 846% 847Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. 848% 849All things being equal, all things are never equal. 850% 851Even paranoids have enemies. 852% 853Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 854% 855Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet 856reached their level of incompetence. 857% 858If at first you don't succeed, try something else. 859% 860If you're coasting, you're going downhill. 861% 862Never tell them what you wouldn't do. 863% 864The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely 865proportional to the subject's true value. 866% 867Indifference is the only sure defense. 868% 869Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 870% 871Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. 872% 873If you want to get along, go along. 874% 875Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. 876% 877The easiest way to find something lost around the house 878is to buy a replacement. 879% 880Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always 881point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. 882% 883Make three correct guesses consectively and you will 884establish yourself as an expert. 885% 886It works better if you plug it in. 887% 888Quit while your still behind. 889% 890If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, 891you better wear work shoes. 892% 893It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is 894from the top. 895% 896Any line, however short, is still too long. 897% 898Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. 899% 900If you can't measure output then you measure input. 901% 902Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of 903approximate, additional assumptions. 904% 905Old scottish prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be 906right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds. 907% 908Never be first to do anything. 909% 910The chief cause of problems is solutions. 911% 912The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 913% 914A little ignorance can go a long way. 915% 916Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. 917% 918Entropy has us outnumbered. 919% 920Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. 921% 922Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. 923% 924A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. 925% 926Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. 927% 928Go where the money is. 929% 930Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the 931water that keeps it green. 932% 933A stagnant science is at a standstill. 934% 935Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 936% 937For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. 938% 939Can't produces countercan't. 940% 941If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent 942of doing you good, you should run for your life. 943% 944When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty 945to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. 946% 947If you can't convince them, confuse them. 948% 949Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. 950% 951All general statements are false. (think about it) 952% 953If it happens, it must be possible. 954% 955Them what gets--has. 956% 957If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue 958digging. 959% 960If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote 961programs, then the first woddpecker that came along would 962destroy civilization. 963% 964People will believe anything if you whisper it. 965% 966A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick 967in the pants. 968% 969Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold 970of something else. 971% 972A theory is better than its explanation. 973% 974Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing 975worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 976% 977Nobody notices when things go right. 978% 979There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 980% 981Roses are red violets are blue 982I am schizophrenic and so am I 983% 984If anything can go wrong, it will. 985% 986If anything can't go wrong it will. 987% 988If muprhy's law can go wrong, it will. 989% 990If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in 991in the worst possible sequence. 992% 993After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle 994will repeat itself. 995% 996An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, 997and attacks the wounded. 998% 999Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. 1000% 1001No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody 1002who knew it would. 1003% 1004Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 1005% 1006The hidden flaw never remains hidden. 1007% 10081. Everything depends. 10092. Nothing is always. 10103. Everything is sometimes. 1011% 1012If you wait, it will go away 1013....having done it's damage. 1014If it was bad, it'll be back. 1015% 1016Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand 1017wrong answers. 1018% 1019Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune 1020moment. 1021% 1022When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the 1023world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. 1024% 1025In order for something to become clean, something 1026else must become dirty. 1027...but you can get everything dirty without getting 1028anything clean. 1029% 1030Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 1031% 1032The first place to look for anything is the last place 1033you would expect to find it. 1034% 1035You can always find what you're not looking for. 1036% 1037If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 1038% 1039It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly 1040suprised. 1041% 1042A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the 1043whole thing". 1044% 1045Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 1046% 1047When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 1048% 1049The time it talkes to rectify a situation is 1050inversely proportional to the time it took 1051to do the damage. 1052% 1053An optimist believes we live in the best of all 1054possible worlds. 1055A pessimist fears this is true. 1056% 1057You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 1058damnfoolproof. 1059% 1060It takes longer to glue a vase together than to 1061break one. 1062% 1063It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than 1064to gain 'x' number of pounds. 1065% 1066The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in 1067will be taken by the person in front of you. 1068% 1069The other line moves faster. 1070% 1071If you change lines, the one you just left will start 1072to move faster than the one you are now in. 1073% 1074The longer you wait in line, the greater the 1075likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. 1076% 1077The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out 1078lane. 1079% 1080Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a 1081need for them an hour later. 1082% 10831. If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance 1084 will be down. 10852. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance 1086 will be down. 10873. If the bulletin covers are in short supply church 1088 attendance will exceed all expectations. 1089% 1090If a situation requires undivided attention, it will 1091occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. 1092% 1093The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the 1094greater the number of dead and injured required for it 1095to become a story. 1096% 1097The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the 1098more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of 1099the situation. 1100% 1101The further you are from the facts of a situation, 1102the more you tend to believe news coverage of the 1103situation. 1104% 1105The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal 1106the letter. 1107% 1108The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. 1109% 1110Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book 1111is in print. 1112% 1113The first page the author turns to upon receiving an 1114advance copy will be the page containing the worst 1115error. 1116% 11171. Never draw what you can copy. 11182. Never copy what you can trace. 11193. Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 1120% 1121The best shots happen immediately after the last 1122frame is exposed. 1123% 1124The best shots are generally attempted through the 1125lens cap. 1126% 1127Any surviving best shots are ruined when someone 1128inadvertently open the darkroom door and all of the 1129dark leaks out. 1130% 1131If a three-story buiding served by one elevator, nine 1132times out of ten the elevator care will be on a floor 1133where you are not. 1134% 1135The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, 1136campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies 1137directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. 1138% 1139The distance to the gate is inversely proportional 1140to the time available to catch you flight. 1141% 1142As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the 1143airliner encounters turbulence. 1144% 1145Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 1146% 1147Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will 1148come in on another one. 1149% 1150When travelling overseas, the exchange rate improves 1151markedly the day after one has purchased foreign 1152currency. 1153% 1154Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as 1155soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. 1156% 1157The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 1158% 1159For every action, there is an equal and opposite 1160criticism. 1161% 1162Authorization for a project will be granted only when 1163none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project 1164fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit 1165if it succeeds. 1166% 1167If an idea can survive a bureacratic review and be 1168implemented, it wasn't worth doing. 1169% 1170The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, 1171the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even 1172if it subsequently becomes irreveland. 1173% 1174The higher the level of prestige accorded the people 1175behind the plan, the least less chance there is of 1176abandoning it. 1177% 1178In any organization there will always be one person 1179who knows what is going on. 1180This person must be fired. 1181% 1182It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 1183% 1184Far-way talent always seems better than home-developed 1185talent. 1186% 1187Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over 1188experience. 1189% 1190Some people manage by the book, even though they 1191don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 1192% 1193Don't let your superiors know you're better than 1194they are. 1195% 1196You never know who's right, but you always know 1197who's in charge. 1198% 11991. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 12002. A good manager can make a decision without enough 1201 facts. 12023. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. 1203% 1204The boss who attempts to impress employees with his 1205knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his 1206final objective. 1207% 1208You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you 1209don't burn your bridges until you come to them. 1210% 1211In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies 1212inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty 1213of the task. 1214% 1215The client who pays the least complains the most 1216% 1217A lack of planning on your part 1218does not constitute an emergency on my part. 1219% 1220I know you believe you understand 1221 what you think I said, 1222 however, I am not sure you realize, 1223 that what I think you heard 1224 is not what I meant 1225% 1226Real programmers don't eat muffins. 1227% 1228In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend 1229more and more time reporting on the less and less you 1230are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of 1231your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 1232% 1233Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for 1234a number and then give it back to them. 1235% 1236When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it 1237around instead of picking it up. 1238% 1239The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely 1240proportional to the number of other people who are in 1241a position to do it instead. 1242% 1243Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. 1244% 1245No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made 1246but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. 1247% 1248For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. 1249% 1250The inside contact that you have developed at great 1251expense is the first person to be let go in any 1252reorganization. 1253% 1254It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one 1255who's redundant. 1256% 1257Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 1258% 1259If you're early, it'be cancelled. 1260If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will 1261 have to wait. 1262If you're late, you will be too late. 1263% 1264A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept 1265and the hours are lost. 1266% 1267If you leave the room, you're elected. 1268% 1269The cream rises to the top. 1270So does the scum. 1271% 1272You can never do just one thing. 1273% 1274There's no time like the present for postponing 1275what you don't want to do. 1276% 1277Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. 1278% 1279The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the 1280greater the chance of ailure. 1281% 1282Simple jobs always get put off because there will be 1283time to do them later. 1284% 1285Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 1286% 1287A work project expands to fill the space available. 1288% 1289No matter how large the work space, if two projects 1290must be done at the same time they will require the 1291same part of the work space. 1292% 1293The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one 1294missing from the tool chest. 1295% 1296Most projects require three hands. 1297% 1298Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. 1299% 1300The more carefully you plan a project, the more 1301confusion there is when something goes wrong. 1302% 1303Murphy's rule for precision: 1304 Measure with a micrometer 1305 Mark with chalk 1306 Cut with an axe 1307% 1308You can't fix it if it ain't broke. 1309% 1310First rule of intelligent tinkering: 1311 Save all the parts 1312% 1313Access holes will be 1/2" too small. 1314Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. 1315% 1316If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company 1317will insist upon repairing the old one. 1318% 1319If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the 1320company will insist on the latest model. 1321% 1322The primary function of the design engineer is to make 1323things difficult for the fabricator and impossible 1324for the serviceman. 1325% 1326That component of any circuit which has the shortest 1327service life will be placed in the least 1328accessible location. 1329% 1330Any circuit design must contain at least one part which 1331is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three 1332parts which at still under development. 1333% 1334Important letters which contain no errors will develop 1335errors in the mail. 1336% 1337Office machines which function perfectly during normal 1338business hours will break down when you return to the 1339office at night to use them for personal business. 1340% 1341Machines that have broken down will work perfectly 1342when the repairman arrives. 1343% 1344Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick 1345them will stick to other things when you don't want 1346them to. 1347% 1348Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by 1349spontaneously moving from where you left them to where 1350you can't find them. 1351% 1352The last person who quit or was fired will be held 1353responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until 1354the next person quits or is fired. 1355% 1356If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you 1357don't want his the paper. 1358% 1359The one time in the day that you lean back and relax 1360is the one time the boss walks through the office. 1361% 1362Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. 1363% 1364When you do not know what you are going, do it neatly. 1365% 1366Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. 1367% 1368Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 1369% 13701. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 13712. If it stinks, it's chemistry. 13723. If it doesn't work, it's physics. 1373% 1374Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. 1375% 1376The quality of correlation is inversely proportional 1377to the density of control. 1378% 1379If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the 1380test only once. 1381% 1382if a straight line fit is required, obtain only two 1383data points. 1384% 1385Any technical problem can be overcome given enough 1386time and money. 1387% 1388You are never given enough time or money. 1389% 1390Unless the results are known in advance, funding 1391agencies will reject the proposal. 1392% 1393It is better to solve a problem with a crude 1394approximation and know the truth, than to demand an 1395exact solution and not know the truth at all. 1396% 1397An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful 1398than a comples, incompreshensible truth. 1399% 1400Anyone who make a significant contribution to any field 1401of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, 1402becomes an obstruction ot its progress -- in direct 1403proportion to the importance of his original contribution. 1404% 1405If a scientist encovers a publishable fact, it will 1406become central to his theory. 1407 1408His theory, in turn, will become central to all 1409scientific though. 1410% 1411There is no such thing as a straight line. 1412% 1413In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur 1414at the opposite end to the end at which you begin 1415checking for errors. 1416% 1417Only errors exist. 1418% 1419One man's error is another man's data. 1420% 1421To err is human, but to really foul things up requires 1422a computer. 1423% 1424When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. 1425% 1426Never test for an error condition you don't know 1427how to handle. 1428% 1429Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since 1430nobody listens. 1431% 1432People who love sausage and respect the law should 1433never watch either one being made. 1434% 1435No matter what they're telling you, they're not 1436telling you the whole truth. 1437% 1438No matter what they're talking about, they're 1439talking about money. 1440% 1441In any dealings with a collective body of people, the 1442people will always be more tacky than originally expected. 1443% 1444If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 1445theirs, then you just don't understand the problemr. 1446% 1447Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. 1448% 1449When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, 1450responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. 1451% 1452When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough 1453the public will not have enough stake in any one 1454expenditure to squelch it. 1455% 1456When the government bureau's remedies do not match your 1457problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 1458% 1459A fool and your money are soon partners. 1460% 1461You may know where the market is going, but you can't 1462possibly know where it's going after that. 1463% 1464Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 1465% 1466Trial balances don't. 1467% 1468Working capital doesn't. 1469% 1470Liquidity tends to run out. 1471% 1472Return on investments won't. 1473% 1474If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. 1475% 1476Mass man must be servied by mass means. 1477% 1478Everything is contagious. 1479% 1480Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. 1481% 1482The secret of success is sincerity. once you can fake 1483that you've got it made. 1484% 1485An expert is anyone from out of town. 1486% 1487An expert is one who knows more and more about less 1488and less until he knows absolutely everything 1489about nothing. 1490% 1491To spot the expert, pick the one who perdicts the job 1492wil take the longest and cost the most. 1493% 1494If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just 1495become the expert. 1496% 1497Indecision is the basis for flexibility. 1498% 1499Anything is possible if you don't know what you're 1500talking about. 1501% 1502Never create a problem for which you do not have 1503the answer. 1504% 1505Create problems for which only you have the answer. 1506% 1507A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 1508% 1509Hindsight is an exact science. 1510% 1511History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely 1512repeat each other. 1513% 1514Fact is solidified opinion. 1515% 1516Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. 1517% 1518Truth is elastic. 1519% 1520When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. 1521% 1522When in trouble, obfuscate. 1523% 1524Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is 1525wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing 1526a theory that is wrong with one that is more sublty wrong. 1527% 1528It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex 1529task to make them simple. 1530% 1531If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he 1532will find an easier way to do it. 1533% 1534Every great idean has a disadvantage equal to or 1535exceeding the greatness of the idea. 1536% 1537Never attribute to malice that which is adequately 1538explained by stupidity. 1539% 1540New systems generate new problems. 1541% 1542Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. 1543% 1544Systems tend to grow, and as they grow they encroach. 1545% 1546Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. 1547% 1548The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. 1549% 1550A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of 1551a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. 1552% 1553People in systems do not do what the systems says 1554they are doing. 1555% 1556The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. 1557% 1558A complex system that works is invariably found to have 1559evolved from a simple system that works. 1560% 1561A complex system designed from scratch never works and 1562cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start 1563over, beginning with a working simple system. 1564% 15651. Everything is a system. 15662. Everything is part of a larger system. 15673. The universe is infinitely systematized both upward 1568 (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). 15694. All systems are infinitely complex. (the illuison 1570 of simplicity comes from focussing attention on 1571 one or a few variables). 1572% 1573Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. 1574% 1575If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students 1576you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. 1577% 1578Class schedules are designed so that every student will 1579waste the maximum time between classes. 1580% 1581Show me a person who's never made a mistake and i'll 1582show you somebdoy who's never achieved much. 1583% 1584When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's 1585sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. 1586% 1587When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, 1588they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of 1589the campus. 1590% 1591A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered 1592only during the semester following the desired course. 1593% 1594When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most 1595important ones will be illegible. 1596% 1597The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure 1598you are as to which answer they want. 1599% 160080% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture 1601you missed about the one book you didn't read. 1602% 1603The night before the english history mid-term, your 1604biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 1605% 1606Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else 1607to do except study for that instructor's course. 1608% 1609If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget 1610your book. 1611If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget 1612where you live. 1613% 1614At the end of the semester you will recall having 1615enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester 1616-- and never attending. 1617% 1618The one course you must take to graduate will not be 1619offered during your last semester. 1620% 1621The more general the title of a course, the less 1622you will learn from it. 1623% 1624The more specific the title of a course, the less you 1625will be able to apply it later. 1626% 1627The most valuable quotation will be the one for which 1628you cannot determine the source. 1629% 1630The source for an unattributed quotation will appear 1631in the most hostile review of your work. 1632% 1633When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does 1634not understand, his work will be understood only by 1635readers who know more about that subject than he does. 1636% 1637Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the 1638first ojbective of communication -- informing 1639the uninformed. 1640% 1641When a student asks for a second time if you have read 1642his book report, he did not read the book. 1643% 1644If daily class attendance is mandatory, a schedules 1645exam will product increased absenteeism. If attendance 1646is optional, a schedules exam will produce persons you 1647have never seen before. 1648% 1649Just because your doctor has a name for your condition 1650doesn't mean he knows what it is. 1651% 1652The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the 1653waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for 1654your scheduled appointment. 1655% 1656Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. 1657% 1658You never have the right number of pills left on the 1659last day of a prescription. 1660% 1661The pills to be taken with meals will be the least 1662appetizing ones. 1663% 1664Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. 1665% 1666If your condition seems to be getting better, it's 1667probably your doctor getting sick. 1668% 1669Beware of the physician who is great at getting 1670out of trouble. 1671% 1672A drug is that substance which, when injected into a 1673rat, will produce a scientific report. 1674% 1675Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it 1676is 1) positive, or 2) negative. If both answers are the 1677same, don't do the test. 1678% 1679The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. 1680% 1681The feasibility of an operation is not the best 1682indiciation for its performance. 1683% 1684A physician's ability is inversely proportional 1685to his availability. 1686% 1687There are two kinds of adhesive tape: that which won't 1688stay on and that which won't come off. 1689% 1690Everbody wants a pain shot at the same time. 1691% 1692Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were 1693passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing 1694out sleeping pills. 1695% 1696An alcoholic is a person who drinks more that his 1697own physician. 1698% 1699Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. 1700% 1701At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from 1702the aisle arrive last. 1703% 1704Exciting plays occur only whil you are watching the 1705scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. 1706% 1707Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by 1708firing the coach. 1709% 1710The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. 1711% 1712A free agent is anything but. 1713% 1714Hockey is a game played by six good players and the 1715home team. 1716% 1717Whatever can go to New York, will. 1718% 1719Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, 1720he fades. Whenever your team trades away a usless 1721no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. 1722% 1723Never leave hold of what you've got until you've 1724got hold of something else. 1725% 1726A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or 1727her opposition. 1728% 1729The only way to make up for being lost is to make 1730record time while you are lost. 1731% 1732The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number 1733and experience of the people you have on board. 1734% 1735No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock 1736once you have reached the furthest point from port 1737the wind will die. 1738% 1739The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing 1740season draws nearer. 1741% 1742The least experienced fisherman always catches the 1743biggest fish. 1744% 1745The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater 1746the chance of having to stop at the fish market 1747on the way home. 1748% 1749The worse your line is tangled, the better is the 1750fishing around you. 1751% 1752The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. 1753% 1754The mountain looks closer that it is. 1755% 1756All trails have more uphill sections that they have 1757level or downhill sections. 1758% 1759The one who leasts wants to play is the one who will win. 1760% 1761All things being equal, you lose. 1762 1763All things being in your favor, you still lose. 1764% 1765Win or lose, you lose. 1766% 1767No matter where you go, there you are! 1768% 1769It always takes longer to get there than to get back. 1770% 1771If everything is coming your way, you're in the 1772wrong lane. 1773% 1774If you allow someone to get in front of you either: 1775a. the car in front will be the last one over a 1776 railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting 1777 for a long, slow-moving train; or 1778b. you both will have the same destination and the 1779 other car will get the last parking space. 1780% 1781If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two 1782new parking spaces right in front of the building 1783entrance. 1784% 1785When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn 1786green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. 1787% 1788A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise 1789deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. 1790% 1791The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional 1792to the length of the passing zone. 1793% 1794The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly 1795in front of your eyes. 1796% 1797If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the 1798tool to get it off. 1799% 1800If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house 1801will have it back-ordered. 1802% 1803If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing 1804in the first place. 1805% 1806When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you 1807becomes a hammer. 1808% 1809No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end 1810up covered with grease and motor oil. 1811% 1812When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used 1813interchangeably. 1814% 1815Automotive engine reparing law: 1816If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. 1817% 1818If you lived here you'd be home now. 1819% 1820If it's good, they discontinue it. 1821% 1822It the shoe fits, it's ugly. 1823% 18241. If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 18252. If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't 1826 fit anyway. 18273. If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 18284. If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it 1829 falls apart the first time you wear it. 1830% 1831The one you want is never the one on sale. 1832% 1833Anything labeled "new" and/or "improved" isn't. 1834% 1835The label "new" and/or "improved" means the price went up. 1836% 1837The label "all new," "completely new" or "great news" 1838means the price went way way up. 1839% 1840If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet 1841it's not $19.95. 1842% 1843ACF2 is a four letter word. 1844% 1845If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, 1846the price will be unreasonable. 1847% 1848A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will 1849self-destruct on the 61st day. 1850% 1851The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week 1852after you've made your purchase: 1853 1854 1. The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 1855 2. The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". 1856% 1857If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive 1858your order. 1859If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before 1860your angry letter reaches its destination. 1861% 1862The most important item in an order will no longer 1863be available. 1864% 1865During the time an item is on back-order, it will be 1866available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. 1867% 1868People will buy anthing that's one to a customer. 1869% 1870Security isn't. 1871% 1872Management can't. 1873% 1874Sale promotions don't. 1875% 1876Consumer assistance doesn't. 1877% 1878Workers won't. 1879% 1880Cleanliness is next to impossible. 1881% 1882Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any 1883function adequately. 1884% 1885The more expensive the gadget, the less often you 1886will use it. 1887% 1888The simpler the instruction (e.g. "press here"), the 1889more difficult it will be to open the package. 1890% 1891In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, 1892the most vital measurement will be illegible. 1893% 1894Once a dish is fouled up. anything added to save it 1895only makes it worse. 1896% 1897You are always complimented on the item which took the 1898least effort to prepare. 1899 1900example: 1901 1902 If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be 1903 complimented on the baked potato. 1904% 1905The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store 1906to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. 1907% 1908The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal 1909the greater the chance you guests will spend the entire 1910meal discussing other meals they have had. 1911% 1912Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and 1913for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. 1914% 1915The rotten egg will be the one you break into the 1916cake batter. 1917% 1918Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be 1919needed immediately thereafter for something else. 1920% 1921Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will 1922be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. 1923% 1924Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion 1925to time spent preparing it. 1926% 1927Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. 1928% 1929If you're wondering if you took the meat out to 1930thaw, you didn't. 1931% 1932If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot 1933plugged in, you did. 1934% 1935If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up 1936bread and eggs on the way home, you do. 1937% 1938If you're wondering if you have enough money to take 1939the family out to eat tonight, you don't. 1940% 1941The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on 1942the other side. 1943% 1944Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. 1945% 1946All break downs occur on the plumber's day off. 1947% 1948Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the 1949cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the 1950cost of a new washer by .75. 1951% 1952There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. 1953% 1954If it's clean, it isn't laundry. 1955% 1956A child will not spill on a dirty floor. 1957% 1958An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 1959% 1960Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly 1961refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate 1962for an audience. 1963% 1964A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public 1965area to loudly demonstrate new acquired vocabulary. 1966% 1967The probablility of a cat eating its dinner has 1968absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food 1969placed before it. 1970% 1971The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss 1972to go in or out is directly proportional to the number 1973and importance of your dinner guests. 1974% 1975The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of 1976junk food available. 1977% 1978If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, 1979there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If 1980you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. 1981% 1982How long a minute is depends on which side of the 1983bathroom door you're on. 1984% 1985The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely 1986with its price and directly with its ugliness. 1987% 1988If you have watched a tv series only once, and you watch 1989it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. 1990% 1991If there are only 2 shows worth watching, they will be 1992on together. 1993% 1994The only new tv show worth watching will be cancelled. 1995% 1996The tv show you've been looking forward to all week 1997will be preempted. 1998% 1999Most people deserve each other. 2000% 2001Possessions increase to fill the space available for 2002their storage. 2003% 2004When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal 2005% 20061. The telephone will ring when you are outside the 2007 door, fumbling for your keys. 2008 20092. You will reach it just in time to hear the click 2010 of the caller hanging up. 2011% 2012People to whom you are attracted invariably thing you 2013remind them of someone else. 2014% 2015The one who snores will fall asleep first. 2016% 2017Never get excited about a blind date because of how 2018it sounds over the phone. 2019% 2020The love letter you finally got the courage to send 2021will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to 2022make a fool of yourself in person. 2023% 2024Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. 2025 2026Your own romantic gestures seem fooolish and clumsy. 2027% 2028The length of a marriage is inversely proportional 2029to the amount spent on the wedding. 2030% 2031 All probabilities are 50%. either a thing will 2032 happen or it won't. 2033 2034 This is especially true when dealing with women. 2035 2036 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 2037% 2038Sow your wild oats on saturday night - then on 2039sunday pray for crop failure. 2040% 2041The probablility of meeting someone you know increases 2042when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 2043% 2044If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember 2045you - the next time he's in need. 2046% 2047Virtue is its own punishment. 2048% 2049If you do something right once, someone will ask 2050you to do it again. 2051% 2052The one day you'd sell your soul for something, 2053souls are a glut. 2054% 2055The scratch on the record is always through the song 2056you like most. 2057% 2058Superiority is recessive. 2059% 2060Forgive and remember. 2061% 2062Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral 2063or fattening. 2064% 2065Anything good in life either causes cancer in 2066laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. 2067% 2068To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is 2069even more human. 2070% 2071Whatever happens to you, it will previously have 2072happened to everyone you know only more so. 2073% 2074He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. 2075% 2076Don't worry over what other people are thinking about 2077you. they're too busy worrying over what you are 2078thinking about them. 2079% 2080In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the 2081organization the less people appreciate murphy's law, 2082the peter principle, etc. 2083% 2084Law expands in proportion to the resources available 2085for its enforcement. 2086% 2087Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 2088% 2089There are some things which are impossible to know - 2090but it is impossible to know these things. 2091% 2092When we try to pick out anything by itself we find 2093it hitched to everything else in the universe. 2094% 2095If one views his problem closely enough he will 2096recoginize himself as part of the problem. 2097% 2098Anything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 2099% 2100Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 2101% 2102If several things that could have gone wrong have not 2103gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial 2104for them to have gone wrong. 2105% 2106The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to 2107try on a new shirt. 2108% 2109Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than 2110a wet dog. 2111% 2112The severity of an itch is inversely proportional 2113to the reach. 2114% 2115A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and 2116nobody minds if you exchange it. 2117% 2118The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. 2119% 2120Ignorance should be painful. 2121% 2122The first insurance agent was david - 2123he gave goliath a piece of the rock. 2124% 2125King arthur ran the first knight club. 2126% 2127Magellan was the first strait man. 2128% 2129If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are 2130either a nitwit or a repariman. 2131% 2132If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know 2133what people are undecided about. 2134% 2135No news is... impossible. 2136% 2137Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... 2138you have to blow your nose. 2139% 2140A penny saved is ...not much. 2141% 2142He who marries for money...better be nice to his wife. 2143% 2144It's always darkest before ...daylight saving time. 2145% 2146If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries. 2147% 2148There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. 2149% 2150Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to 2151lick it. 2152% 2153One place where you're sure to find the perfect 2154driver is in the back seat. 2155% 2156Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception 2157of discount-priced fruitcakes. 2158% 2159How do they know no two snowflakes are alike. 2160% 2161How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented. 2162% 2163To err is human, to forgive is divine -- 2164but to forget it altogether is humane. 2165% 2166"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer that watching 2167one overhead. 2168% 2169The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva 2170nuisance, espically if your're using the tunnel 2171as a darkroom. 2172% 2173Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. 2174% 2175Never argue with an artist. 2176% 2177When in doubt, don't muble, overexpose...then mumble. 2178% 2179The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. 2180% 2181A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for 2182christmas and spending them by easter. 2183% 2184A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a 2185shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. 2186% 2187A budget is wondering why you should balance yours 2188if the government can not balance theirs. 2189% 2190A budget is trying to figure out how the family next 2191door is doing it. 2192% 2193A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber 2194has to make an emergency visit. 2195% 2196A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as 2197it did when you were first married. 2198% 2199A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because 2200it was marked down. 2201% 2202You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to 2203be an average consumer. 2204% 2205He who dies with the most toys wins. 2206% 2207A fool and his money soon go partying. 2208% 2209If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. 2210% 2211Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. 2212% 2213It is far better to do nothing that to do 2214something efficiently. 2215 Siezbo 2216% 2217The man who has no more problems is out of the game. 2218% 2219The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle 2220to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 2221% 2222A fool and his money are invited places. 2223% 2224All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. 2225% 2226The hand that rocks the craddle usually is attached 2227to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. 2228% 2229After winning an argument with his wife, 2230the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. 2231% 2232If opportunity came disguised as temptation, 2233one knock would be enough. 2234% 2235If there was any justice in this world, people would 2236occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. 2237% 2238Easy doesn't do it. 2239% 2240Most people want to be delivered from temptation but 2241would like it to keep in touch. 2242% 2243When a distinguised scientist states something is possible, 2244he is almost certainly right. When he states that 2245something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2246% 2247Early to rise and early to bed makes a male 2248healthy and wealthy and dead. 2249% 2250Everyone gets away with something. 2251No one gets away with everything. 2252% 2253Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure 2254*--------------------------------------------------------------------* 2255* Extensions as added by me, Jim Marshall 2256*--------------------------------------------------------------------* 2257% 2258Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. 2259% 2260Real programmers don't write Cobol. 2261Cobol is for wimpy applications programmers. 2262% 2263I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. 2264% 2265Real programmers do not document. 2266Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or 2267object code. 2268% 2269Real programmers don't write specs -- users should 2270consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and 2271take what they get. 2272% 2273Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard 2274to write, it should be hard to understand. 2275% 2276Real programmers don't write apllications programs; they 2277program right down on the bare metal. Application 2278programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. 2279% 2280Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real 2281programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat 2282twinkies and szechwan food. 2283% 2284Real programmer's programs never work the first time. but 2285if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into 2286working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. 2287% 2288Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for 2289pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 2290% 2291Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real 2292programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they 2293were up all night. 2294% 2295Real programmers don't write in basic. Actually, no 2296programmers write in basic after age 12. 2297% 2298Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for 2299programmers who can't decide whether to write in 2300Cobol or Fortran. 2301% 2302Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport 2303that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is 2304ok, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work 2305in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle 2306of the machine room. 2307% 2308Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or 2309any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong 2310typing is for people with weak memories. 2311% 2312On a clear disk, you can seek forever. 2313% 2314Hollerith got us into this hole mess! 2315% 2316No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, 2317with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the 2318first. 2319% 2320When things are going well, something will go wrong. 2321- when things just can't get any worse, they will. 2322- when things appear to be going better you have overlooked 2323 something. 2324% 2325If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of 2326change will exceed the rate of progress. 2327% 2328No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug 2329a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even 2330harder to find. 2331% 2332A carelessly planned project will take three times 2333longer than expected; a carefully planned project will 2334take only twice as long. 2335% 2336After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said 2337than done 2338% 2339If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 2340% 2341Never wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty, and the pig 2342likes it! 2343% 2344Never argue with an idiot: People watching may not be able 2345to tell the difference. 2346% 2347Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. 2348% 2349The six steps of program management are: 2350 1. Wild enthusiasm 2351 2. Disenchantment 2352 3. Total confusion 2353 4. Search for guilty 2354 5. Punishment for the innocent 2355 6. Promotion of the non-participants 2356% 2357He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 2358the next freeway exit. 2359% 2360An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He oe she is 2361merely better organized and uses slides. 2362% 2363Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have 2364to do it himself/herself. 2365% 2366You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to 2367float on his back, you've really got something. 2368% 2369You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you 2370gotta suit up for them all. 2371% 2372People are promoted not by what they can do, but what 2373people think they can do. 2374% 2375Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your 2376own. 2377