160992Shoek%%$FreeBSD: releng/11.0/usr.bin/fortune/datfiles/murphy 228909 2011-12-27 10:21:57Z dougb $ 2174422Sdougb% 3174425Sdougb(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 4174425Sdougb(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough 5174425Sdougb facts. 6174425Sdougb(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. 760992Shoek% 8174425Sdougb(1) Everything depends. 9174425Sdougb(2) Nothing is always. 10174425Sdougb(3) Everything is sometimes. 1160992Shoek% 12174425Sdougb(1) Everything is a system. 13174425Sdougb(2) Everything is part of a larger system. 14174425Sdougb(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward 15174425Sdougb (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). 16174425Sdougb(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illusion 17174425Sdougb of simplicity comes from focusing attention on 18174425Sdougb one or a few variables). 1960992Shoek% 20174425Sdougb(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 21174425Sdougb(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. 22174425Sdougb(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. 2360992Shoek% 24174425Sdougb(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church 25174425Sdougb attendance will be down. 26174425Sdougb(2) If the weather is extremely good, church 27174425Sdougb attendance will be down. 28174425Sdougb(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply 29174425Sdougb church attendance will exceed all expectations. 3060992Shoek% 31174425Sdougb(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 32174425Sdougb(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't 33174425Sdougb fit anyway. 34174425Sdougb(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 35174425Sdougb(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it 36174425Sdougb falls apart the first time you wear it. 3760992Shoek% 38174425Sdougb(1) Never draw what you can copy. 39174425Sdougb(2) Never copy what you can trace. 40174425Sdougb(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 4160992Shoek% 42174425Sdougb(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the 43174425Sdougb door, fumbling for your keys. 44174425Sdougb 45174425Sdougb(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click 46174425Sdougb of the caller hanging up. 4760992Shoek% 48174425Sdougb1) Things will get worse before they get better. 49174425Sdougb2) Who said things would get better? 5060992Shoek% 51174425Sdougb80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture 52174425Sdougbyou missed about the one book you didn't read. 5360992Shoek% 54174425Sdougb90% of everything is crud. 5560992Shoek% 56174425SdougbA $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing 57174425Sdougbfirst. 5860992Shoek% 59174425SdougbA 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will 60174425Sdougbself-destruct on the 61st day. 6160992Shoek% 62174425SdougbA bird in hand is safer than one overhead. 6360992Shoek% 64174425SdougbA bird in the hand is dead. 6560992Shoek% 66174425SdougbA budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber 67174425Sdougbhas to make an emergency visit. 6860992Shoek% 69174425SdougbA budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because 70174425Sdougbit was marked down. 7160992Shoek% 72174425SdougbA budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for 73174425SdougbChristmas and spending them by Easter. 7460992Shoek% 75174425SdougbA budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a 76174425Sdougbshopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. 7760992Shoek% 78174425SdougbA budget is trying to figure out how the family next 79174425Sdougbdoor is doing it. 8060992Shoek% 81174425SdougbA budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as 82174425Sdougbit did when you were first married. 8360992Shoek% 84174425SdougbA budget is wondering why you should balance yours 85174425Sdougbif the government can not balance theirs. 8660992Shoek% 87174425SdougbA car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise 88174425Sdougbdeserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. 8960992Shoek% 90174425SdougbA carelessly planned project will take three times 91174425Sdougblonger than expected; a carefully planned project will 92174425Sdougbtake only twice as long. 9360992Shoek% 94174425SdougbA child will not spill on a dirty floor. 9560992Shoek% 96174425SdougbA closed mouth gathers no foot. 9760992Shoek% 98174425SdougbA complex system designed from scratch never works and 99174425Sdougbcannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start 100174425Sdougbover, beginning with a working simple system. 10160992Shoek% 102174425SdougbA complex system that works is invariably found to have 103174425Sdougbevolved from a simple system that works. 10460992Shoek% 105174425SdougbA conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 10660992Shoek% 107174425SdougbA consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 10860992Shoek% 109174425SdougbA coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not 110174425Sdougbtake place. 11160992Shoek% 112174425SdougbA crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the 113174425Sdougbwhole thing". 11460992Shoek% 115174425SdougbA day without sunshine .... 116174425Sdougbis like ... night! 11760992Shoek% 118174425SdougbA disagreeable task is its own reward. 11960992Shoek% 120174425SdougbA drug is that substance which, when injected into a 121174425Sdougbrat, will produce a scientific report. 12260992Shoek% 123174425SdougbA fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 124228909Sdougb -- Klipstein 12560992Shoek% 126174425SdougbA fool and his money are invited places. 12760992Shoek% 128174425SdougbA fool and his money soon go partying. 12960992Shoek% 130174425SdougbA fool and your money are soon partners. 13160992Shoek% 132174425SdougbA free agent is anything but. 13360992Shoek% 134174425SdougbA hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and 135174425Sdougbnobody minds if you exchange it. 13660992Shoek% 137174425SdougbA large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of 138174425Sdougba smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. 13960992Shoek% 140174425SdougbA little ambiguity never hurt anyone. 14160992Shoek% 142174425SdougbA little humility is arrogance. 14360992Shoek% 144174425SdougbA little ignorance can go a long way. 14560992Shoek% 146174425SdougbA lot of what appears to be progress is just so much 147174425Sdougbtechnological roccoco. 14860992Shoek% 149174425SdougbA man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. 15060992Shoek% 151174425SdougbA man should be greater than some of his parts. 15260992Shoek% 153174425SdougbA mediocre player will sink to the level of his or 154174425Sdougbher opposition. 15560992Shoek% 156174425SdougbA meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept 157174425Sdougband the hours are lost. 15860992Shoek% 159174425SdougbA pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick 160174425Sdougbin the pants. 16160992Shoek% 162174425SdougbA penny saved is ... not much. 16360992Shoek% 164174425SdougbA pessimist is an optimist with experience. 16560992Shoek% 166174425SdougbA physician's ability is inversely proportional 167174425Sdougbto his availability. 16860992Shoek% 169174425SdougbA prerequisite for a desired course will be offered 170174425Sdougbonly during the semester following the desired course. 17160992Shoek% 172174425SdougbA president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, 173174425Sdougbwilling, and able to lay down your life for his country. 17460992Shoek% 175174425SdougbA RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. 17660992Shoek% 177174425SdougbA short cut is the longest distance between two points. 17860992Shoek% 179174425SdougbA shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public 180174425Sdougbarea to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary. 18160992Shoek% 182174425SdougbA stagnant science is at a standstill. 18360992Shoek% 184174425SdougbA theory is better than its explanation. 18560992Shoek% 186174425SdougbA work project expands to fill the space available. 18760992Shoek% 188174425SdougbAbsolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than 189174425Sdougba wet dog. 19060992Shoek% 191174425SdougbAccess holes will be 1/2" too small. 192174425SdougbHoles that are the right size will be in the wrong place. 19360992Shoek% 194174425SdougbACF2 is a four letter word. 19560992Shoek% 196174425SdougbAdding manpower to a late software product makes it later. 19760992Shoek% 198174425SdougbAfter all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said 199174425Sdougbthan done 20060992Shoek% 201174425SdougbAfter things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle 202174425Sdougbwill repeat itself. 20360992Shoek% 204174425SdougbAfter winning an argument with his wife, 205174425Sdougbthe wisest thing a man can do is apologize. 20660992Shoek% 207174425SdougbAll American cars are basically Chevrolets. 20860992Shoek% 209174425SdougbAll breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. 21060992Shoek% 211174425SdougbAll general statements are false. (Think about it.) 21260992Shoek% 213174425SdougbAll good things must come to an end. 214174425SdougbI want to know when they start! 21560992Shoek% 216174425SdougbAll things being equal, all things are never equal. 21760992Shoek% 218174425SdougbAll things being equal, you lose. 219174425Sdougb 220174425SdougbAll things being in your favor, you still lose. 221174425Sdougb 222174425SdougbWin or lose, you lose. 22360992Shoek% 224174425SdougbAll things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. 22560992Shoek% 226174425SdougbAll trails have more uphill sections than they have 227174425Sdougblevel or downhill sections. 22860992Shoek% 229174425SdougbAll warranties expire upon payment of invoice. 23060992Shoek% 231174425SdougbAlmost anything is easier to get into than out of. 23260992Shoek% 233174425SdougbAmong economists, the real world is often a special case. 23460992Shoek% 235174425SdougbAn alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his 236174425Sdougbown physician. 23760992Shoek% 238174425SdougbAn auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, 239174425Sdougband attacks the wounded. 24060992Shoek% 241174425SdougbAn easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful 242174425Sdougbthan a complex, incomprehensible truth. 24360992Shoek% 244174425SdougbAn expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is 245174425Sdougbmerely better organized and uses slides. 24660992Shoek% 247174425SdougbAn expert is anyone from out of town. 24860992Shoek% 249174425SdougbAn expert is one who knows more and more about less 250174425Sdougband less until he knows absolutely everything 251174425Sdougbabout nothing. 25260992Shoek% 253174425SdougbAn optimist believes we live in the best of all 254174425Sdougbpossible worlds. 255174425SdougbA pessimist fears this is true. 25660992Shoek% 257174425SdougbAn optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. 258174425SdougbA pessimist is a married optimist! 25960992Shoek% 260174425SdougbAn original idea can never emerge from committee 261174425Sdougbin its original form. 26260992Shoek% 263174425SdougbAn ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 26460992Shoek% 265174425SdougbAn unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 26660992Shoek% 267174425SdougbAny child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly 268174425Sdougbrefuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate 269174425Sdougbfor an audience. 27060992Shoek% 271174425SdougbAny circuit design must contain at least one part which 272174425Sdougbis obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three 273174425Sdougbparts which at still under development. 27460992Shoek% 275174425SdougbAny cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be 276174425Sdougbneeded immediately thereafter for something else. 27760992Shoek% 278174425SdougbAny given program costs more and takes longer. 27960992Shoek% 280174425SdougbAny given program, when running, is obsolete. 28160992Shoek% 282174425SdougbAny given program will expand to fill all available memory. 28360992Shoek% 284174425SdougbAny improbable event which would create maximum confusion 285174425Sdougbif it did occur, will occur. 28660992Shoek% 287174425SdougbAny line, however short, is still too long. 28860992Shoek% 289174425SdougbAny measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will 290174425Sdougbbe needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. 29160992Shoek% 292174425SdougbAny task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. 29360992Shoek% 294174425SdougbAny technical problem can be overcome given enough 295174425Sdougbtime and money. 296174425Sdougb 297174425SdougbYou are never given enough time or money. 29860992Shoek% 299174425SdougbAny theory can be made to fit any facts by means of 300174425Sdougbapproximate, additional assumptions. 30160992Shoek% 302174425SdougbAny time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of 303174425Sdougbfaults is proportional to the number of viewers. 30460992Shoek% 305174425SdougbAny tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath 306174425Sdougbto the exact center. 30760992Shoek% 308174425SdougbAnybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. 30960992Shoek% 310174425SdougbAnyone who follows a crowd will 311174425Sdougbnever be followed by a crowd. 31260992Shoek% 313174425SdougbAnything good in life either causes cancer in 314174425Sdougblaboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. 31560992Shoek% 316174425SdougbAnything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. 31760992Shoek% 318174425SdougbAnything is possible, but nothing is easy. 31960992Shoek% 320174425SdougbAnything is possible if you don't know what you're 321174425Sdougbtalking about. 32260992Shoek% 323174425SdougbAnything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 32460992Shoek% 325174425SdougbAnything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than 326174425Sdougbyou thought. 32760992Shoek% 328174425SdougbAs the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. 32960992Shoek% 330174425SdougbAssumption is the mother of all foul-ups. 33160992Shoek% 332174425SdougbAssumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 33360992Shoek% 334174425SdougbAt any event, the people whose seats are furthest from 335174425Sdougbthe aisle arrive last. 33660992Shoek% 337174425SdougbAt any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. 33860992Shoek% 339174425SdougbAt the end of the semester you will recall having 340174425Sdougbenrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester 341174425Sdougb-- and never attending. 34260992Shoek% 343174425SdougbAuthorization for a project will be granted only when 344174425Sdougbnone of the authorizers can be blamed if the project 345174425Sdougbfails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit 346174425Sdougbif it succeeds. 34760992Shoek% 348174425SdougbAutomotive engine repairing law: 349174425SdougbIf you drop something, it will never reach the ground. 35060992Shoek% 351174425SdougbBad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 35260992Shoek% 353174425SdougbBad news drives good news out of the media. 35460992Shoek% 355174425SdougbBare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always 356174425Sdougbpoint upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. 35760992Shoek% 358174425SdougbBeauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. 35960992Shoek% 360174425SdougbBefore ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, 361174425Sdougb(1) positive, or 362174425Sdougb(2) negative. 363174425SdougbIf both answers are the same, don't do the test. 36460992Shoek% 365174425SdougbBeware of the physician who is great at getting 366174425Sdougbout of trouble. 36760992Shoek% 368174425SdougbBlessed are those who go around in circles, 369174425Sdougbfor they shall be known as wheels. 37060992Shoek% 371174425SdougbBlessed is he who expects no gratitude, 372174425Sdougbfor he shall not be disappointed. 37360992Shoek% 374174425SdougbBlessed is he who has reached the point of no return and 375174425Sdougbknows it for he shall enjoy living. 37660992Shoek% 377174425SdougbBuild a system that even a fool can use, 378174425Sdougband only a fool will use it. 37960992Shoek% 380174425SdougbCalm down .... it is only ones and zeros. 38160992Shoek% 382174425SdougbCan't produces countercan't. 38360992Shoek% 384174425SdougbCapitalism can exist in one of only two states: 385174425Sdougbwelfare or warfare. 38660992Shoek% 387174425SdougbCelibacy is not hereditary. 38860992Shoek% 389174425SdougbClass schedules are designed so that every student will 390174425Sdougbwaste the maximum time between classes. 39160992Shoek% 392174425SdougbCleanliness is next to impossible. 39360992Shoek% 394174425SdougbClearly stated instructions will consistently produce 395174425Sdougbmultiple interpretations. 39660992Shoek% 397174425Sdougb"Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and 398174425Sdougbthermonuclear devices. 39960992Shoek% 400174425SdougbCommon sense is not so common. 40160992Shoek% 402174425SdougbComplex problems have simple, easy-to-understand 403174425Sdougbwrong answers. 40460992Shoek% 405174425SdougbComplex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. 40660992Shoek% 407174425SdougbComplicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. 40860992Shoek% 409174425SdougbConsultants are mystical people who ask a company for 410174425Sdougba number and then give it back to them. 41160992Shoek% 412174425SdougbConsumer assistance doesn't. 41360992Shoek% 414174425SdougbCop-out number 1. 415174425SdougbYou should have seen it when I got it. 41660992Shoek% 417174425SdougbCost of repair can be determined by multiplying the 418174425Sdougbcost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the 419174425Sdougbcost of a new washer by .75. 42060992Shoek% 421174425SdougbCreate problems for which only you have the answer. 42260992Shoek% 423174425SdougbDefinition of an elephant: 424174425SdougbA mouse built to government specifications. 42560992Shoek% 426174425SdougbDemocracy is that form of government where 427174425Sdougbeverybody gets what the majority deserves. 42860992Shoek% 429174425SdougbDespite the sign that says "wet paint", 430174425Sdougbplease don't. 43160992Shoek% 432174425SdougbDo not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 43360992Shoek% 434174425SdougbDo whatever your enemies don't want you to do. 43560992Shoek% 436174425SdougbDon't ask the barber if you need a haircut. 43760992Shoek% 438174425SdougbDon't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. 43960992Shoek% 440174425SdougbDon't fight with a bear in his own cage. 44160992Shoek% 442174425SdougbDon't force it, 443174425Sdougbget a bigger hammer. 44460992Shoek% 445174425SdougbDon't let your superiors know you're better than 446174425Sdougbthey are. 44760992Shoek% 448174425SdougbDon't look back, something may be gaining on you. 44960992Shoek% 450174425SdougbDon't make your doctor your heir. 45160992Shoek% 452174425SdougbDon't mess with Mrs. Murphy! 45360992Shoek% 454174425SdougbDon't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. 45560992Shoek% 456174425SdougbDon't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your 457174425Sdougbown. 45860992Shoek% 459174425SdougbDon't stop to stomp on ants 460174425Sdougbwhen the elephants are stampeding. 46160992Shoek% 462174425SdougbDuring the time an item is on back-order, it will be 463174425Sdougbavailable cheaper and quicker from many other sources. 46460992Shoek% 465174425SdougbEach problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. 46660992Shoek% 467174425SdougbEasy doesn't do it. 46860992Shoek% 469174425SdougbEat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing 470174425Sdougbworse will happen to you the rest of the day. 47160992Shoek% 472174425SdougbEntropy has us outnumbered. 47360992Shoek% 474174425SdougbEnvelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick 475174425Sdougbthem will stick to other things when you don't want 476174425Sdougbthem to. 47760992Shoek% 478174425SdougbEven paranoids have enemies. 47960992Shoek% 480174425SdougbEven water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. 48160992Shoek% 482174425SdougbEvery great idea has a disadvantage equal to or 483174425Sdougbexceeding the greatness of the idea. 48460992Shoek% 485174425SdougbEverybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. 48660992Shoek% 487174425SdougbEverybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since 488174425Sdougbnobody listens. 48960992Shoek% 490174425SdougbEverybody wants a pain shot at the same time. 49160992Shoek% 492174425SdougbEverybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were 493174425Sdougbpassing out pain shots wants one when you are passing 494174425Sdougbout sleeping pills. 49560992Shoek% 496174425SdougbEverybody's gotta be someplace. 49760992Shoek% 498174425SdougbEveryone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment 499174425Sdougbto cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. 50060992Shoek% 501174425SdougbEveryone gets away with something. 502174425SdougbNo one gets away with everything. 50360992Shoek% 504174425SdougbEveryone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. 50560992Shoek% 506174425SdougbEverything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually 507174425Sdougbplunge into the Atlantic ocean. 50860992Shoek% 509174425SdougbEverything happens at the same time with nothing in between. 51060992Shoek% 511174425SdougbEverything is contagious. 51260992Shoek% 513174425SdougbEverything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. 514174425Sdougb(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) 51560992Shoek% 516174425SdougbEverything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 51760992Shoek% 518174425SdougbEverything put together sooner or later falls apart. 51960992Shoek% 520174425SdougbEverything takes longer than you expect. 52160992Shoek% 522174425SdougbExciting plays occur only while you are watching the 523174425Sdougbscoreboard or out buying a hot dog. 52460992Shoek% 525174425SdougbFact is solidified opinion. 52660992Shoek% 527174425SdougbFacts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. 52860992Shoek% 529174425SdougbFar-away talent always seems better than home-developed 530174425Sdougbtalent. 53160992Shoek% 532174425SdougbFlynn is dead 533174425SdougbTron is dead 534174425Sdougblong live the MCP. 53560992Shoek% 536174425SdougbFools rush in -- and get the best seats. 53760992Shoek% 538174425SdougbFor every action, there is an equal and opposite 539174425Sdougbcriticism. 54060992Shoek% 541174425SdougbFor every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. 54260992Shoek% 543174425SdougbFor every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. 54460992Shoek% 545174425SdougbFor every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- 546174425Sdougband it is always wrong. 54760992Shoek% 548174425SdougbFor every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. 54960992Shoek% 550174425SdougbForgive and remember. 55160992Shoek% 552174425SdougbFreud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse 553174425Sdougbproportion to their soundness and validity. 55460992Shoek% 555174425SdougbFriends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 55660992Shoek% 557174425SdougbFuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the 558174425Sdougbembarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 55960992Shoek% 560174425SdougbGo where the money is. 56160992Shoek% 562174425SdougbHe who dies with the most toys wins. 56360992Shoek% 564174425SdougbHe who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 565174425Sdougbthe next freeway exit. 56660992Shoek% 567174425SdougbHe who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. 56860992Shoek% 569174425SdougbHe who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. 57060992Shoek% 571174425SdougbHindsight is an exact science. 57260992Shoek% 573174425SdougbHistory doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely 574174425Sdougbrepeat each other. 57560992Shoek% 576174425SdougbHistory proves nothing. 57760992Shoek% 578174425SdougbHistory repeats itself. 579174425Sdougbthat's one of the things wrong with history. 58060992Shoek% 581174425SdougbHockey is a game played by six good players and the 582174425Sdougbhome team. 58360992Shoek% 584174425SdougbHollerith got us into this hole mess! 58560992Shoek% 586174425SdougbHot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. 58760992Shoek% 588174425SdougbHow did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented? 58960992Shoek% 590174425SdougbHow do they know no two snowflakes are alike? 59160992Shoek% 592174425SdougbHow long a minute is depends on which side of the 593174425Sdougbbathroom door you're on. 59460992Shoek% 595174425SdougbI can only please one person per day. 596174425SdougbToday is not your day. 597174425Sdougb(Tomorrow isn't looking good either.) 59860992Shoek% 599174425SdougbI finally got it all together... 600174425Sdougbbut I forgot where I put it. 60160992Shoek% 602174425SdougbI have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. 60360992Shoek% 604174425SdougbI have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, 605174425Sdougbwhen you looked at it in the right way, did not become 606174425Sdougbstill more complicated. 607174425Sdougb -- Poul Anderson 60860992Shoek% 609174425SdougbI know you believe you understand 610174425Sdougb what you think I said, 611174425Sdougb however, I am not sure you realize, 612174425Sdougb that what I think you heard 613174425Sdougb is not what I meant 61460992Shoek% 615174425SdougbI no longer get lost in the shuffle.... 616174425SdougbI shuffle along with the lost. 61760992Shoek% 618174425SdougbI think ... therefore I am confused. 61960992Shoek% 620174425SdougbIf a program is useful, it will be changed. 62160992Shoek% 622174425SdougbIf a program is useless, it will be documented. 62360992Shoek% 624174425SdougbIf a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will 625174425Sdougbbecome central to his theory. 626174425Sdougb 627174425SdougbHis theory, in turn, will become central to all 628174425Sdougbscientific truth. 62960992Shoek% 630174425SdougbIf a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in 631174425Sdougbthe worst possible sequence. 63260992Shoek% 633174425SdougbIf a situation requires undivided attention, it will 634174425Sdougboccur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. 63560992Shoek% 636174425SdougbIf a straight line fit is required, obtain only two 637174425Sdougbdata points. 63860992Shoek% 639174425SdougbIf a thing is done wrong often enough 640174425Sdougbit becomes right. 64160992Shoek% 642174425SdougbIf an experiment works, you must be using the wrong 643174425Sdougbequipment. 64460992Shoek% 645174425SdougbIf an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be 646174425Sdougbimplemented, it wasn't worth doing. 64760992Shoek% 648174425SdougbIf an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet 649174425Sdougbit's not $19.95. 65060992Shoek% 651174425SdougbIf anything can go wrong, it will. 65260992Shoek% 653174425SdougbIf anything can't go wrong it will. 65460992Shoek% 655174425SdougbIf at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. 65660992Shoek% 657174425SdougbIf at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. 65860992Shoek% 659174425SdougbIf at first you don't succeed, try something else. 66060992Shoek% 661174425SdougbIf at first you don't succeed, 662174425Sdougbblame it on your supervisor. 66360992Shoek% 664174425SdougbIf daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled 665174425Sdougbexam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance 666174425Sdougbis optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you 667174425Sdougbhave never seen before. 66860992Shoek% 669174425SdougbIf everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. 67060992Shoek% 671174425SdougbIf everything is coming your way, you're in the 672174425Sdougbwrong lane. 67360992Shoek% 674174425SdougbIf everything seems to be going well, 675174425Sdougbyou obviously don't know what the hell is going on. 67660992Shoek% 677174425SdougbIf facts do not conform to the theory, 678174425Sdougbthey must be disposed of. 67960992Shoek% 680174425SdougbIf his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. 681174425Sdougb% 68260992ShoekIf it can be borrowed and it can be broken, 68360992Shoekyou will borrow it and 68460992Shoekyou will break it. 68560992Shoek% 686174425SdougbIf it happens, it must be possible. 68760992Shoek% 688174425SdougbIf it jams --- force it. If it breaks, 689174425Sdougbit needed replacing anyway. 69060992Shoek% 691174425SdougbIf it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just 692174425Sdougbbecome the expert. 69360992Shoek% 694174425SdougbIf it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know 695174425Sdougbwhat people are undecided about. 69660992Shoek% 697174425SdougbIf it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company 698174425Sdougbwill insist upon repairing the old one. 69960992Shoek% 700174425SdougbIf it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the 701174425Sdougbcompany will insist on the latest model. 70260992Shoek% 703174425SdougbIf it's clean, it isn't laundry. 70460992Shoek% 705174425SdougbIf it's good, they discontinue it. 70660992Shoek% 707174425SdougbIf it's good they will stop making it. 70860992Shoek% 709174425SdougbIf it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 71060992Shoek% 71160992ShoekIf more than one person is responsible for a 71260992Shoekmiscalculation, no one will be at fault. 71360992Shoek% 714174425SdougbIf Murphy's law can go wrong, it will. 71560992Shoek% 716174425SdougbIf not controlled, work will flow to the competent 717174425Sdougbman until he submerges. 71860992Shoek% 719174425SdougbIf on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that 720174425Sdougbsomething will go wrong, 721174425SdougbIt will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. 72260992Shoek% 723174425SdougbIf one views his problem closely enough he will 724174425Sdougbrecognize himself as part of the problem. 72560992Shoek% 726174425SdougbIf only one price can be obtained for any quotation, 727174425Sdougbthe price will be unreasonable. 72860992Shoek% 729174425SdougbIf opportunity came disguised as temptation, 730174425Sdougbone knock would be enough. 73160992Shoek% 732174425SdougbIf project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of 733174425Sdougbchange will exceed the rate of progress. 73460992Shoek% 735174425SdougbIf reproducibility may be a problem conduct the 736174425Sdougbtest only once. 73760992Shoek% 738174425SdougbIf several things that could have gone wrong have not 739174425Sdougbgone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial 740174425Sdougbfor them to have gone wrong. 74160992Shoek% 742174425SdougbIf the assumptions are wrong, 743174425Sdougbthe conclusions aren't likely to be very good. 74460992Shoek% 745174425SdougbIf the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students 746174425Sdougbyou will be the 'n + 1' to apply. 74760992Shoek% 748174425SdougbIf the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing 749174425Sdougbin the first place. 75060992Shoek% 751174425SdougbIf there are only two shows worth watching, they will 752174425Sdougbbe on together. 75360992Shoek% 754174425SdougbIf there isn't a law, there will be. 75560992Shoek% 756174425SdougbIf there was any justice in this world, people would 757174425Sdougboccasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. 75860992Shoek% 759174425SdougbIf things were left to chance, they'd be better. 76060992Shoek% 761174425SdougbIf two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 762228909Sdougb -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 76360992Shoek% 764174425SdougbIf we learn by our mistakes, 765174425SdougbI'm getting one hell of an education!! 76660992Shoek% 767174425SdougbIf you allow someone to get in front of you either: 768174425Sdougb(1) The car in front will be the last one over a 769174425Sdougb railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting 770174425Sdougb for a long, slow-moving train; or 771174425Sdougb(2) you both will have the same destination and the 772174425Sdougb other car will get the last parking space. 77360992Shoek% 774174425SdougbIf you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue 775174425Sdougbdigging. 77660992Shoek% 777174425SdougbIf you are given an open-book exam, you will forget 778174425Sdougbyour book. 779174425SdougbIf you are given a take-home exam, you will forget 780174425Sdougbwhere you live. 78160992Shoek% 782174425SdougbIf you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, 783174425Sdougbthere won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If 784174425Sdougbyou buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. 78560992Shoek% 786174425SdougbIf you can get the faulty part off, the parts house 787174425Sdougbwill have it back-ordered. 78860992Shoek% 789174425SdougbIf you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the 790174425Sdougbtool to get it off. 79160992Shoek% 792174425SdougbIf you can keep your head when all about you are losing 793174425Sdougbtheirs, then you just don't understand the problem. 79460992Shoek% 795174425SdougbIf you can't convince them, confuse them. 79660992Shoek% 797174425SdougbIf you can't measure it, I'm not interested. 79860992Shoek% 799174425SdougbIf you can't measure output then you measure input. 80060992Shoek% 801174425SdougbIf you change lines, the one you just left will start 802174425Sdougbto move faster than the one you are now in. 80360992Shoek% 804174425SdougbIf you do something right once, someone will ask 805174425Sdougbyou to do it again. 80660992Shoek% 807174425SdougbIf you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 80860992Shoek% 809174425SdougbIf you don't like the answer, 810174425Sdougbyou shouldn't have asked the question. 81160992Shoek% 812174425SdougbIf you don't say it, they can't repeat it. 81360992Shoek% 814174425SdougbIf you don't write to complain, you'll never receive 815174425Sdougbyour order. 816174425SdougbIf you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before 817174425Sdougbyour angry letter reaches its destination. 81860992Shoek% 819174425SdougbIf you fool around with a thing for very long you will 820174425Sdougbscrew it up. 82160992Shoek% 822174425SdougbIf you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he 823174425Sdougbwill find an easier way to do it. 82460992Shoek% 825174425SdougbIf you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. 82660992Shoek% 827174425SdougbIf you have something to do, and you put it off long enough 828174425Sdougbchances are someone else will do it for you. 82960992Shoek% 830174425SdougbIf you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. 83160992Shoek% 832174425SdougbIf you have to park six blocks away, you will find two 833174425Sdougbnew parking spaces right in front of the building 834174425Sdougbentrance. 83560992Shoek% 836174425SdougbIf you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch 837174425Sdougbit again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. 83860992Shoek% 839174425SdougbIf you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember 840174425Sdougbyou - the next time he's in need. 84160992Shoek% 842174425SdougbIf you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always 843174425Sdougbmanage to boot yourself in the posterior. 84460992Shoek% 845174425SdougbIf you know, you can't say. 84660992Shoek% 847174425SdougbIf you leave the room, you're elected. 84860992Shoek% 849174425SdougbIf you lived here you'd be home now. 85060992Shoek% 85160992ShoekIf you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, 85260992Shoekyou better wear work shoes. 85360992Shoek% 854174425SdougbIf you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent 855174425Sdougbof doing you good, you should run for your life. 85660992Shoek% 857174425SdougbIf you see that there are four possible ways in which a 858174425Sdougbprocedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a 859174425Sdougbfifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 86060992Shoek% 861174425SdougbIf you smile when everything goes wrong, you are 862174425Sdougbeither a nitwit or a repairman. 86360992Shoek% 864174425SdougbIf you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. 86560992Shoek% 866174425SdougbIf you wait, it will go away 867174425Sdougb... having done it's damage. 868174425SdougbIf it was bad, it'll be back. 86960992Shoek% 870174425SdougbIf you want to get along, go along. 87160992Shoek% 872174425SdougbIf you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. 87360992Shoek% 874174425SdougbIf your condition seems to be getting better, it's 875174425Sdougbprobably your doctor getting sick. 87660992Shoek% 877174425SdougbIf your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is 878174425Sdougbbecause of something left out, rather than added. 87960992Shoek% 880174425SdougbIf you're coasting, you're going downhill. 88160992Shoek% 882174425SdougbIf you're early, it'll be canceled. 883174425SdougbIf you knock yourself out to be on time, you will 884174425Sdougb have to wait. 885174425SdougbIf you're late, you will be too late. 88660992Shoek% 887174425SdougbIf you're feeling good, don't worry, 888174425Sdougbyou'll get over it. 88960992Shoek% 890174425SdougbIf you're wondering if you have enough money to take 891174425Sdougbthe family out to eat tonight, you don't. 89260992Shoek% 893174425SdougbIf you're wondering if you left the coffee pot 894174425Sdougbplugged in, you did. 89560992Shoek% 896174425SdougbIf you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up 897174425Sdougbbread and eggs on the way home, you do. 89860992Shoek% 899174425SdougbIf you're wondering if you took the meat out to 900174425Sdougbthaw, you didn't. 90160992Shoek% 902174425SdougbIf you're worried about being crazy, 903174425Sdougbdon't be overly concerned: 904174425SdougbIf you were, you would think you were sane. 90560992Shoek% 906174425SdougbIf you've got them by the balls, 907174425Sdougbtheir hearts and minds will follow. 90860992Shoek% 909174425SdougbIgnorance should be painful. 91060992Shoek% 911174425SdougbImportant letters which contain no errors will develop 912174425Sdougberrors in the mail. 91360992Shoek% 914174425SdougbIn a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the 915174425Sdougborganization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, 916174425Sdougbthe Peter Principle, etc. 91760992Shoek% 918174425SdougbIn a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, 919174425Sdougbthe most vital measurement will be illegible. 92060992Shoek% 921174425SdougbIn a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, 922174425Sdougbthe greater the confusion. 92360992Shoek% 924174425SdougbIn a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies 925174425Sdougbinversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty 926174425Sdougbof the task. 92760992Shoek% 928174425SdougbIn a three-story building served by one elevator, nine 929174425Sdougbtimes out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor 930174425Sdougbwhere you are not. 93160992Shoek% 932174425SdougbIn any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend 933174425Sdougbmore and more time reporting on the less and less you 934174425Sdougbare doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of 935174425Sdougbyour time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 93660992Shoek% 937174425SdougbIn any dealings with a collective body of people, the 938174425Sdougbpeople will always be more tacky than originally expected. 93960992Shoek% 940174425SdougbIn any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level 941174425Sdougbof incompetence, and then remains there. 94260992Shoek% 943174425SdougbIn any household, junk accumulates to the space 944174425Sdougbavailable for its storage. 94560992Shoek% 946174425SdougbIn any organization there will always be one person 947174425Sdougbwho knows what is going on. 948174425SdougbThis person must be fired. 94960992Shoek% 950174425SdougbIn any series of calculations, errors tend to occur 951174425Sdougbat the opposite end to the end at which you begin 952174425Sdougbchecking for errors. 95360992Shoek% 954174425SdougbIn case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 95560992Shoek% 956174425SdougbIn order for something to become clean, something 957174425Sdougbelse must become dirty. 958174425Sdougb... but you can get everything dirty without getting 959174425Sdougbanything clean. 96060992Shoek% 961174425SdougbIn the fight between you and the world, back the world. 96260992Shoek% 963174425SdougbIncompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 96460992Shoek% 965174425SdougbIndecision is the basis for flexibility. 96660992Shoek% 967174425SdougbIndifference is the only sure defense. 96860992Shoek% 969174425SdougbInformation deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. 97060992Shoek% 971174425SdougbInformation travels more surely to those with a 972174425Sdougblesser need to know. 97360992Shoek% 974174425SdougbInside every large program 975174425Sdougbis a small program struggling to get out. 97660992Shoek% 977174425SdougbInterchangeable parts --- won't. 97860992Shoek% 979174425SdougbIt always takes longer to get there than to get back. 98060992Shoek% 981174425SdougbIt does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick 982174425Sdougbup something from the floor while you get up. 98360992Shoek% 984174425SdougbIt is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex 985174425Sdougbtask to make them simple. 98660992Shoek% 987174425SdougbIt is better for civilization to be going down the drain, 988174425Sdougbthan to be coming up it. 98960992Shoek% 990174425SdougbIt is better to be part of the idle rich class 991174425Sdougbthan be part of the idle poor class. 99260992Shoek% 993174425SdougbIt is better to solve a problem with a crude 994174425Sdougbapproximation and know the truth, than to demand an 995174425Sdougbexact solution and not know the truth at all. 99660992Shoek% 997174425SdougbIt is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 99860992Shoek% 999174425SdougbIt is far better to do nothing than to do 1000174425Sdougbsomething efficiently. 1001174425Sdougb -- Siezbo 100260992Shoek% 100360992ShoekIt is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly 1004174422Sdougbsurprised. 100560992Shoek% 1006174425SdougbIt is impossible to build a fool proof system; 1007174425Sdougbbecause fools are so ingenious. 100860992Shoek% 1009174425SdougbIt is ok to be ignorant in some areas, 1010174425Sdougbbut some people abuse the privilege. 101160992Shoek% 101260992ShoekIt takes longer to glue a vase together than to 101360992Shoekbreak one. 101460992Shoek% 101560992ShoekIt takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than 101660992Shoekto gain 'x' number of pounds. 101760992Shoek% 1018174425SdougbIt the shoe fits, it's ugly. 101960992Shoek% 1020174425SdougbIt works better if you plug it in. 102160992Shoek% 1022174425SdougbIt's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. 102360992Shoek% 1024174425SdougbIt's always darkest just before the lights go out. 1025228909Sdougb -- Alex Clark 102660992Shoek% 1027174425SdougbIt's always easier to go down hill, but the view is 1028174425Sdougbfrom the top. 102960992Shoek% 1030174425SdougbIt's better to retire too soon than too late. 103160992Shoek% 1032174425SdougbIt's tough to get reallocated when you're the one 1033174425Sdougbwho's redundant. 103460992Shoek% 1035174425SdougbJust about the time when you think you can make ends meet 1036174425Sdougbsomebody moves the ends! 103760992Shoek% 1038174425SdougbJust because you are paranoid 1039174425Sdougbdoesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. 104060992Shoek% 1041174425SdougbJust because your doctor has a name for your condition 1042174425Sdougbdoesn't mean he knows what it is. 104360992Shoek% 1044174425SdougbJust when you get really good at something, 1045174425Sdougbyou don't need to do it anymore. 104660992Shoek% 1047174425SdougbJustice always prevails... 1048174425Sdougbthree times out of seven. 104960992Shoek% 1050174425SdougbKeep emotionally active, 1051174425Sdougbcater to your favorite neurosis. 105260992Shoek% 1053174425SdougbKing Arthur ran the first knight club. 105460992Shoek% 1055174425SdougbLaugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... 1056174425Sdougbyou have to blow your nose. 105760992Shoek% 1058174425SdougbLaw expands in proportion to the resources available 1059174425Sdougbfor its enforcement. 106060992Shoek% 1061174425SdougbLaziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. 106260992Shoek% 1063174425SdougbLead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! 106460992Shoek% 1065174425SdougbLeakproof seals --- will. 106660992Shoek% 1067174425SdougbLearn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. 106860992Shoek% 1069174425SdougbLeft to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. 107060992Shoek% 1071174425SdougbLeftover nuts never match leftover bolts. 107260992Shoek% 1073174425SdougbLife is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to 1074174425Sdougblick it. 107560992Shoek% 1076174425SdougbLiquidity tends to run out. 107760992Shoek% 1078174425SdougbLive within your income, 1079174425Sdougbeven if you have to borrow to do so. 108060992Shoek% 1081174425SdougbMagellan was the first strait man. 108260992Shoek% 1083174425SdougbMake it possible for programmers to write programs 1084174425Sdougbin English and you will find that programmers cannot 1085174425Sdougbwrite in English. 108660992Shoek% 1087174425SdougbMake three correct guesses consecutively and you will 1088174425Sdougbestablish yourself as an expert. 108960992Shoek% 1090174425SdougbManagement can't. 109160992Shoek% 1092174425SdougbMass man must be serviced by mass means. 109360992Shoek% 1094174425SdougbMisery no longer loves company 1095174425Sdougbnowadays it insists on it. 109660992Shoek% 1097174425SdougbMost people want to be delivered from temptation but 1098174425Sdougbwould like it to keep in touch. 109960992Shoek% 1100174425SdougbMost projects require three hands. 110160992Shoek% 1102174425SdougbMultiple-function gadgets will not perform any 1103174425Sdougbfunction adequately. 110460992Shoek% 1105174425SdougbMurphy's rule for precision: 1106174425Sdougb Measure with a micrometer 1107174425Sdougb Mark with chalk 1108174425Sdougb Cut with an axe 110960992Shoek% 1110174425SdougbNature always sides with the hidden flaw. 111160992Shoek% 1112174425SdougbNature is a mother. 111360992Shoek% 1114174425SdougbNature will tell you a direct lie if she can. 111560992Shoek% 1116174425SdougbNever admit anything. 1117174425SdougbNever regret anything 1118174425Sdougbwhatever it is, you're not responsible. 111960992Shoek% 1120174425SdougbNever argue with a fool, 1121174425Sdougbpeople might not know the difference. 112260992Shoek% 1123174425SdougbNever argue with an artist. 112460992Shoek% 1125174425SdougbNever be first to do anything. 112660992Shoek% 1127174425SdougbNever create a problem for which you do not have 1128174425Sdougbthe answer. 112960992Shoek% 1130174425SdougbNever eat prunes when you are famished. 113160992Shoek% 1132174425SdougbNever get excited about a blind date because of how 1133174425Sdougbit sounds over the phone. 113460992Shoek% 1135174425SdougbNever go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 1136228909Sdougb -- Erma Bombeck 113760992Shoek% 1138174425SdougbNever insult an alligator 1139174425Sdougbuntil after you have crossed the river. 114060992Shoek% 1141174425SdougbNever leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold 1142174425Sdougbof something else. 114360992Shoek% 1144174425SdougbNever make a decision you can get someone else to make. 114560992Shoek% 1146174425SdougbNever needlessly disturb a thing at rest. 114760992Shoek% 1148174425SdougbNever offend people with style 1149174425Sdougbwhen you can offend them with substance. 115060992Shoek% 1151174425SdougbNever play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. 115260992Shoek% 1153174425SdougbNever play leapfrog with a unicorn. 115460992Shoek% 1155174425SdougbNever put all your eggs in your pocket. 115660992Shoek% 1157174425SdougbNever say "oops" after you have submitted a job. 115860992Shoek% 1159174425SdougbNever tell them what you wouldn't do. 116060992Shoek% 1161174425SdougbNever test for an error condition you don't know 1162174425Sdougbhow to handle. 116360992Shoek% 1164174425SdougbNever wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig 1165174425Sdougblikes it! 116660992Shoek% 1167174425SdougbNew systems generate new problems. 116860992Shoek% 1169174425SdougbNo experiment is ever a complete failure. 1170174425SdougbIt can always be used as a bad example. 117160992Shoek% 1172174425SdougbNo good deed goes unpunished. 1173228909Sdougb -- Clare Boothe Luce 117460992Shoek% 1175174425SdougbNo major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, 1176174425Sdougbwith the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the 1177174425Sdougbfirst. 1178174425Sdougb% 1179174425SdougbNo man is lonely while eating spaghetti. 1180174425Sdougb% 118160992ShoekNo matter how large the work space, if two projects 118260992Shoekmust be done at the same time they will require the 118360992Shoeksame part of the work space. 118460992Shoek% 1185174425SdougbNo matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after 1186174425Sdougbyou have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. 118760992Shoek% 1188174425SdougbNo matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end 1189174425Sdougbup covered with grease and motor oil. 119060992Shoek% 1191174425SdougbNo matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock 1192174425Sdougbonce you have reached the furthest point from port 1193174425Sdougbthe wind will die. 119460992Shoek% 1195174425SdougbNo matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody 1196174425Sdougbwho knew it would. 119760992Shoek% 1198174425SdougbNo matter what happens, there is always somebody 1199174425Sdougbwho knew that it would. 120060992Shoek% 1201174425SdougbNo matter what they're talking about, they're 1202174425Sdougbtalking about money. 120360992Shoek% 1204174425SdougbNo matter what they're telling you, they're not 1205174425Sdougbtelling you the whole truth. 120660992Shoek% 1207174425SdougbNo matter which direction you start, 1208174425Sdougbit's always against the wind coming back. 120960992Shoek% 1210174425SdougbNo news is ... impossible. 121160992Shoek% 1212174425SdougbNo one keeps a record of decisions you could have made 1213174425Sdougbbut didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. 121460992Shoek% 1215174425SdougbNo one's life, liberty, or property are safe 1216174425Sdougbwhile the legislature is in session. 121760992Shoek% 1218174425SdougbNo system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug 1219174425Sdougba system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even 1220174425Sdougbharder to find. 122160992Shoek% 1222174425SdougbNobody notices when things go right. 122360992Shoek% 1224174425SdougbNothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. 122560992Shoek% 1226174425SdougbNothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 122760992Shoek% 1228174425SdougbNothing is ever as simple as it seems. 122960992Shoek% 1230174425SdougbNothing is ever done for the right reasons. 123160992Shoek% 1232174425SdougbNothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by 1233174425Sdougbfiring the coach. 123460992Shoek% 1235174425SdougbNothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. 123660992Shoek% 1237174425SdougbNothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have 1238174425Sdougbto do it himself/herself. 123960992Shoek% 1240174425SdougbNothing is indestructible, with the possible exception 1241174425Sdougbof discount-priced fruitcakes. 124260992Shoek% 1243174425SdougbOf two possible events, 1244174425Sdougbonly the undesired one will occur. 124560992Shoek% 1246174425SdougbOffice machines which function perfectly during normal 1247174425Sdougbbusiness hours will break down when you return to the 1248174425Sdougboffice at night to use them for personal business. 124960992Shoek% 1250174425SdougbOld age is always fifteen years older than I am. 125160992Shoek% 1252174425SdougbOld programmers never die - they just abend. 125360992Shoek% 1254174425SdougbOn a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone 1255174425Sdougbcan be unhappy -- but we will work on it. 125660992Shoek% 1257174425SdougbOn a clear disk, you can seek forever. 125860992Shoek% 1259174425SdougbOn successive charts of the same organization, the number of 1260174425Sdougbboxes will never decrease. 126160992Shoek% 1262174425SdougbOnce a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it 1263174425Sdougbonly makes it worse. 126460992Shoek% 1265174425SdougbOne man's error is another man's data. 126660992Shoek% 1267174425SdougbOne place where you're sure to find the perfect 1268174425Sdougbdriver is in the back seat. 126960992Shoek% 1270174425SdougbOnly a mediocre person is always at their best. 127160992Shoek% 1272174425SdougbOnly adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. 127360992Shoek% 127460992ShoekOnly errors exist. 127560992Shoek% 1276174425SdougbOpportunity always knocks at the least opportune 1277174425Sdougbmoment. 127860992Shoek% 1279174425SdougbOther people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. 1280174425Sdougb 1281174425SdougbYour own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy. 128260992Shoek% 1283174425SdougbOur customers' paperwork is profit. 1284174425SdougbOur own paperwork is loss. 128560992Shoek% 1286174425SdougbPeople are promoted not by what they can do, but what 1287174425Sdougbpeople think they can do. 128860992Shoek% 1289174425SdougbPeople can be divided into three groups: 1290174425SdougbThose who make things happen, 1291174425SdougbThose who watch things happen and 1292174425SdougbThose who wonder what happened. 129360992Shoek% 1294174425SdougbPeople don't change; they only become more so. 129560992Shoek% 1296174425SdougbPeople in systems do not do what the systems say 1297174425Sdougbthey are doing. 129860992Shoek% 1299174425SdougbPeople to whom you are attracted invariably think you 1300174425Sdougbremind them of someone else. 130160992Shoek% 1302174425SdougbPeople who love sausage and respect the law should 1303174425Sdougbnever watch either one being made. 130460992Shoek% 1305174425SdougbPeople will accept your idea much more readily if you tell 1306174425Sdougbthem Benjamin Franklin said it first. 130760992Shoek% 1308174425SdougbPeople will believe anything if you whisper it. 130960992Shoek% 1310174425SdougbPeople will buy anything that is one to a customer. 131160992Shoek% 1312174425SdougbPerformance is directly affected by the perversity of 1313174425Sdougbinanimate objects. 131460992Shoek% 1315174425SdougbPersonnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over 1316174425Sdougbexperience. 131760992Shoek% 1318174425SdougbPersons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional 1319174425Sdougband employ faulty reasoning. 132060992Shoek% 1321174425SdougbPills to be taken in twos always come 1322174425Sdougbout of the bottle in threes. 132360992Shoek% 1324174425SdougbPlease don't steal, the IRS hates competition! 132560992Shoek% 1326174425SdougbPossessions increase to fill the space available for 1327174425Sdougbtheir storage. 132860992Shoek% 1329174425SdougbProgram complexity grows until it exceeds the capability 1330174425Sdougbof the programmer who must maintain it. 133160992Shoek% 1332174425SdougbProgram design philosophy: 1333174425Sdougb 1334174425Sdougb Start at the beginning and continue until the end, 1335174425Sdougb then stop. 1336174425Sdougb -- Lewis Carroll 133760992Shoek% 1338174425SdougbProgress does not consist in replacing a theory that is 1339174425Sdougbwrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing 1340174425Sdougba theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. 134160992Shoek% 1342174425SdougbProgress is made on alternate Fridays. 134360992Shoek% 1344174425SdougbPure drivel tends to drive ordinary 1345174425Sdougbdrivel off the TV screen. 134660992Shoek% 1347174425SdougbQuit while you're still behind. 134860992Shoek% 1349174425SdougbRACF is a four letter word. 135060992Shoek% 1351174425SdougbReal programmers always have a better idea. 135260992Shoek% 1353174425SdougbReal programmers are kind to rookies. 135460992Shoek% 1355174425SdougbReal programmers are secure enough to write readable code, 1356174425Sdougbwhich they then self-righteously refuse to explain. 135760992Shoek% 1358174425SdougbReal programmers argue with the systems analyst as a 1359174425Sdougbmatter of principle. 136060992Shoek% 1361174425SdougbReal programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and 1362174425Sdougbbinary math in their heads. 136360992Shoek% 1364174425SdougbReal programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP 1365174425Sdougbsituations. 136660992Shoek% 1367174425SdougbReal programmers do not document. 1368174425SdougbDocumentation is for simps who can't read listings or 1369174425Sdougbobject code. 137060992Shoek% 1371174425SdougbReal programmers do not eat breakfast from the 1372174425Sdougbvending machines. 137360992Shoek% 1374174425SdougbReal programmers do not practice four-syllable words before 1375174425Sdougbwalkthroughs. 137660992Shoek% 1377174425SdougbReal programmers do not read books like 1378174425Sdougb"effective listening" and "communication skills". 137960992Shoek% 1380174425SdougbReal programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated 1381174425Sdougbdecibel level. 138260992Shoek% 1383174425SdougbReal programmers don't advertise their hangovers. 138460992Shoek% 1385174425SdougbReal programmers don't announce how many times the 1386174425Sdougboperations department called them last night. 138760992Shoek% 1388174425SdougbReal programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard 1389174425Sdougbto write, it should be hard to understand. 139060992Shoek% 1391174425SdougbReal programmers don't dress for success unless 1392174425Sdougbthey are trying to convince others that they are 1393174425Sdougbgoing on interviews. 139460992Shoek% 1395174425SdougbReal programmers don't eat muffins. 139660992Shoek% 1397174425SdougbReal programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real 1398174425Sdougbprogrammers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat 1399174425SdougbTwinkies and szechuan food. 140060992Shoek% 1401174425SdougbReal programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages 1402174425Sdougbof Cobol when they don't know any other language. 140360992Shoek% 1404174425SdougbReal programmers don't notch their desks for each 1405174425Sdougbcompleted service request. 140660992Shoek% 1407174425SdougbReal programmers don't number paragraph names 1408174425Sdougbconsecutively. 140960992Shoek% 1410174425SdougbReal programmers don't play tennis or any other sport 1411174425Sdougbthat requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is 1412174425SdougbO.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work 1413174425Sdougbin case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle 1414174425Sdougbof the machine room. 141560992Shoek% 1416174425SdougbReal programmers don't play video games, they write them. 141760992Shoek% 1418174425SdougbReal programmers don't write applications programs; they 1419174425Sdougbprogram right down on the bare metal. Application 1420174425Sdougbprogramming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. 142160992Shoek% 1422174425SdougbReal programmers don't write COBOL. 1423174425SdougbCOBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. 142460992Shoek% 1425174425SdougbReal programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no 1426174425Sdougbprogrammers write in Basic after age 12. 142760992Shoek% 1428174425SdougbReal programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or 1429174425Sdougbany of those pinko computer science languages. Strong 1430174425Sdougbtyping is for people with weak memories. 143160992Shoek% 1432174425SdougbReal programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for 1433174425Sdougbprogrammers who can't decide whether to write in 1434174425SdougbCOBOL or Fortran. 143560992Shoek% 1436174425SdougbReal programmers don't write memos. 143760992Shoek% 1438174425SdougbReal programmers don't write specs -- users should 1439174425Sdougbconsider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and 1440174425Sdougbtake what they get. 144160992Shoek% 1442174425SdougbReal programmers drink too much coffee so that they will 1443174425Sdougbalways seem tense and overworked. 144460992Shoek% 1445174425SdougbReal programmers have read the standards manual 1446174425Sdougbbut won't admit it. 144760992Shoek% 1448174425SdougbReal programmers know it's not operations' 1449174425Sdougbfault if their jobs go into "hogs". 145060992Shoek% 1451174425SdougbReal programmers know what saad means. 145260992Shoek% 1453174425SdougbReal programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real 1454174425Sdougbprogrammers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they 1455174425Sdougbwere up all night. 145660992Shoek% 1457174425SdougbReal programmers print only clean compiles, 1458174425Sdougbfixing all errors through the terminal. 145960992Shoek% 1460174425SdougbReal programmer's programs never work the first time. But 1461174425Sdougbif you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into 1462174425Sdougbworking in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. 146360992Shoek% 1464174425SdougbReal programmers punch up their own programs. 146560992Shoek% 1466174425SdougbReal programmers understand Pascal. 146760992Shoek% 1468174425SdougbRemain silent about your intentions until you are sure 146960992Shoek% 1470174425SdougbReturn on investments won't. 147160992Shoek% 1472174425SdougbRoses are red violets are blue 1473174425SdougbI am schizophrenic and so am I 147460992Shoek% 1475174425SdougbSale promotions don't. 147660992Shoek% 1477174425SdougbSanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. 147860992Shoek% 1479174425SdougbScience is true. Don't be misled by facts. 148060992Shoek% 1481174425SdougbSecurity isn't. 148260992Shoek% 1483174425SdougbSelf starters --- won't. 148460992Shoek% 1485174425SdougbShow me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll 1486174425Sdougbshow you somebody who's never achieved much. 148760992Shoek% 1488174425SdougbSimple jobs always get put off because there will be 1489174425Sdougbtime to do them later. 149060992Shoek% 1491174425SdougbSome come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, 1492174425Sdougbsome prefer to just gargle. 149360992Shoek% 1494174425SdougbSome errors will always go unnoticed until the book 1495174425Sdougbis in print. 149660992Shoek% 1497174425SdougbSome of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 149860992Shoek% 1499174425SdougbSouffles rise and cream whips only for the family and 1500174425Sdougbfor guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. 150160992Shoek% 1502174425SdougbSuccess can be insured only by devising a defense against 1503174425Sdougbfailure of the contingency plan. 150460992Shoek% 1505174425SdougbSuperiority is recessive. 150660992Shoek% 1507174425SdougbSystems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. 150860992Shoek% 1509174425SdougbSystems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. 151060992Shoek% 1511174425SdougbTalent in staff work or sales will continually be 1512174425Sdougbinterpreted as managerial ability. 151360992Shoek% 1514174425SdougbTeamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. 151560992Shoek% 1516174425SdougbThat component of any circuit which has the shortest 1517174425Sdougbservice life will be placed in the least 1518174425Sdougbaccessible location. 151960992Shoek% 1520174425SdougbThe amount of flak received on any subject is inversely 1521174425Sdougbproportional to the subject's true value. 152260992Shoek% 1523174425SdougbThe amount of wind will vary inversely with the number 1524174425Sdougband experience of the people you have on board. 152560992Shoek% 1526174425SdougbThe best shots are generally attempted through the 1527174425Sdougblens cap. 152860992Shoek% 1529174425SdougbThe best shots happen immediately after the last 1530174425Sdougbframe is exposed. 153160992Shoek% 1532174425SdougbThe best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal 1533174425Sdougbthe letter. 153460992Shoek% 1535174425SdougbThe best way to lie is to tell the truth..... 1536174425Sdougbcarefully edited truth. 153760992Shoek% 1538174425SdougbThe big guys always win. 153960992Shoek% 1540174425SdougbThe bigger they are, the harder they hit. 154160992Shoek% 1542174425SdougbThe boss who attempts to impress employees with his 1543174425Sdougbknowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his 1544174425Sdougbfinal objective. 154560992Shoek% 1546174425SdougbThe chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered 1547174425Sdougbside down is directly proportional to the cost of the 1548174425Sdougbcarpet. 154960992Shoek% 1550174425SdougbThe chances of anybody doing anything are inversely 1551174425Sdougbproportional to the number of other people who are in 1552174425Sdougba position to do it instead. 155360992Shoek% 1554174425SdougbThe chief cause of problems is solutions. 1555228909Sdougb -- Eric Sevareid 155660992Shoek% 1557174425SdougbThe client who pays the least complains the most 155860992Shoek% 1559174425SdougbThe closer you are to the facts of a situation, the 1560174425Sdougbmore obvious are the errors in all news coverage of 1561174425Sdougbthe situation. 156260992Shoek% 1563174425SdougbThe "consumer report" on the item will come out a week 1564174425Sdougbafter you've made your purchase: 1565174425Sdougb 1566174425Sdougb(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 1567174425Sdougb(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". 156860992Shoek% 1569174425SdougbThe cream rises to the top. 1570174425SdougbSo does the scum. 157160992Shoek% 1572174425SdougbThe crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by 1573174425Sdougbthe paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. 157460992Shoek% 1575174425SdougbThe deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. 157660992Shoek% 1577174425SdougbThe distance to the gate is inversely proportional 1578174425Sdougbto the time available to catch your flight. 157960992Shoek% 1580174425SdougbThe early worm deserves the bird. 158160992Shoek% 1582174425SdougbThe easiest way to find something lost around the house 1583174425Sdougbis to buy a replacement. 158460992Shoek% 1585174425SdougbThe faster the plane, 1586174425Sdougbthe narrower the seats. 158760992Shoek% 1588174425SdougbThe feasibility of an operation is not the best 1589174425Sdougbindication for its performance. 159060992Shoek% 1591174425SdougbThe final test is when it goes production ... 1592174425Sdougbw h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... 1593174425Sdougbw h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t 1594174425Sdougbw h e n i t g o e s p r o 159560992Shoek% 1596174425SdougbThe first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the 1597174425Sdougbtime, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. 159860992Shoek% 1599174425SdougbThe first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly 1600174425Sdougbin front of your eyes. 160160992Shoek% 1602174425SdougbThe first insurance agent was David - 1603174425Sdougbhe gave Goliath a piece of the rock. 160460992Shoek% 1605174425SdougbThe first myth of management is that it exists 1606174425Sdougbthe second myth of management is that success equals skill. 160760992Shoek% 1608174425SdougbThe first page the author turns to upon receiving an 1609174425Sdougbadvance copy will be the page containing the worst 1610174425Sdougberror. 161160992Shoek% 1612174425SdougbThe first place to look for anything is the last place 1613174425Sdougbyou would expect to find it. 161460992Shoek% 1615174425SdougbThe first rule of intelligent tinkering is to 1616174425Sdougbsave all of the parts. 161760992Shoek% 1618174425SdougbThe first time is for love. 1619174425SdougbThe next time is $200. 162060992Shoek% 1621174425SdougbThe further away the disaster or accident occurs, the 1622174425Sdougbgreater the number of dead and injured required for it 1623174425Sdougbto become a story. 162460992Shoek% 1625174425SdougbThe further you are from the facts of a situation, 1626174425Sdougbthe more you tend to believe news coverage of the 1627174425Sdougbsituation. 162860992Shoek% 1629174425SdougbThe greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, 1630174425Sdougbthe less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even 1631174425Sdougbif it subsequently becomes irrelevant. 163260992Shoek% 1633174425SdougbThe hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached 1634174425Sdougbto someone who isn't getting enough sleep. 163560992Shoek% 1636174425SdougbThe hidden flaw never remains hidden. 163760992Shoek% 1638174425SdougbThe higher the level of prestige accorded the people 1639174425Sdougbbehind the plan, the least less chance there is of 1640174425Sdougbabandoning it. 164160992Shoek% 1642174425SdougbThe inside contact that you have developed at great 1643174425Sdougbexpense is the first person to be let go in any 1644174425Sdougbreorganization. 164560992Shoek% 1646174425SdougbThe item you had your eye on the minute you walked in 1647174425Sdougbwill be taken by the person in front of you. 164860992Shoek% 1649174425SdougbThe lagging activity in a project will invariably be found 1650174425Sdougbin the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. 165160992Shoek% 1652174425SdougbThe last person who quit or was fired will be held 1653174425Sdougbresponsible for everything that goes wrong -- until 1654174425Sdougbthe next person quits or is fired. 165560992Shoek% 1656174425SdougbThe least experienced fisherman always catches the 1657174425Sdougbbiggest fish. 165860992Shoek% 1659174425SdougbThe length of a marriage is inversely proportional 1660174425Sdougbto the amount spent on the wedding. 166160992Shoek% 1662174425SdougbThe life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely 1663174425Sdougbwith its price and directly with its ugliness. 166460992Shoek% 1665174425SdougbThe light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva 1666174425Sdougbnuisance, especially if you're using the tunnel 1667174425Sdougbas a darkroom. 166860992Shoek% 1669174425SdougbThe light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of 1670174425Sdougban oncoming train. 167160992Shoek% 1672174425SdougbThe light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. 167360992Shoek% 1674174425SdougbThe lion and the calf shall lie down together, 1675174425Sdougbbut the calf won't get much sleep. 167660992Shoek% 1677174425SdougbThe longer the title the less important the job. 167860992Shoek% 1679174425SdougbThe longer you wait in line, the greater the 1680174425Sdougblikelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. 168160992Shoek% 1682174425SdougbThe love letter you finally got the courage to send 1683174425Sdougbwill be delayed in the mail long enough for you to 1684174425Sdougbmake a fool of yourself in person. 168560992Shoek% 1686174425SdougbThe man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of 1687174425Sdougbsomeone he can blame it on. 168860992Shoek% 1689174425SdougbThe man who has no more problems is out of the game. 169060992Shoek% 1691174425SdougbThe meek shall inherit the earth, 1692174425Sdougbbut not its mineral rights. 169360992Shoek% 1694174425SdougbThe meek will inherit the earth 1695174425Sdougbafter the rest of us go to the stars. 169660992Shoek% 1697174425SdougbThe more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the 1698174425Sdougbwaiting room, the longer you will have to wait for 1699174425Sdougbyour scheduled appointment. 170060992Shoek% 1701174425SdougbThe more carefully you plan a project, the more 1702174425Sdougbconfusion there is when something goes wrong. 170360992Shoek% 1704174425SdougbThe more complicated and grandiose the plan, the 1705174425Sdougbgreater the chance of failure. 170660992Shoek% 1707174425SdougbThe more directives you issue to solve a problem, 1708174425Sdougbthe worse it gets. 170960992Shoek% 1710174425SdougbThe more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater 1711174425Sdougbthe chance of having to stop at the fish market 1712174425Sdougbon the way home. 171360992Shoek% 171460992ShoekThe more expensive the gadget, the less often you 171560992Shoekwill use it. 171660992Shoek% 1717174425SdougbThe more general the title of a course, the less 1718174425Sdougbyou will learn from it. 171960992Shoek% 1720174425SdougbThe more ridiculous a belief system, 1721174425Sdougbthe higher probability of its success. 172260992Shoek% 1723174425SdougbThe more specific the title of a course, the less you 1724174425Sdougbwill be able to apply it later. 172560992Shoek% 1726174425SdougbThe more studying you did for the exam, the less sure 1727174425Sdougbyou are as to which answer they want. 172860992Shoek% 172960992ShoekThe more time and energy you put into preparing a meal 1730174422Sdougbthe greater the chance your guests will spend the entire 173160992Shoekmeal discussing other meals they have had. 173260992Shoek% 1733174425SdougbThe most important item in an order will no longer 1734174425Sdougbbe available. 173560992Shoek% 1736174425SdougbThe most interesting specimen will not be labeled. 173760992Shoek% 1738174425SdougbThe most valuable quotation will be the one for which 1739174425Sdougbyou cannot determine the source. 174060992Shoek% 1741174425SdougbThe mountain gets steeper as you get closer. 174260992Shoek% 1743174425SdougbThe mountain looks closer than it is. 174460992Shoek% 1745174425SdougbThe one course you must take to graduate will not be 1746174425Sdougboffered during your last semester. 174760992Shoek% 1748174425SdougbThe one day you'd sell your soul for something, 1749174425Sdougbsouls are a glut. 175060992Shoek% 1751174425SdougbThe one ingredient you made a special trip to the store 1752174425Sdougbto get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. 175360992Shoek% 1754174425SdougbThe one thing that money can not buy is poverty. 175560992Shoek% 1756174425SdougbThe one time in the day that you lean back and relax 1757174425Sdougbis the one time the boss walks through the office. 175860992Shoek% 1759174425SdougbThe one who least wants to play is the one who will win. 176060992Shoek% 1761174425SdougbThe one who snores will fall asleep first. 176260992Shoek% 1763174425SdougbThe one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one 1764174425Sdougbmissing from the tool chest. 176560992Shoek% 1766174425SdougbThe one you want is never the one on sale. 176760992Shoek% 1768174425SdougbThe only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. 176960992Shoek% 1770174425SdougbThe only new TV show worth watching will be canceled. 177160992Shoek% 1772174425SdougbThe only way to make up for being lost is to make 1773174425Sdougbrecord time while you are lost. 177460992Shoek% 1775174425SdougbThe only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 177660992Shoek% 1777174425SdougbThe organization of any program reflects the organization 1778174425Sdougbof the people who developed it. 177960992Shoek% 1780174425SdougbThe other line always moves faster. 178160992Shoek% 1782174425SdougbThe phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk 1783174425Sdougbto the other end of the building. 1784174425Sdougb% 1785174425SdougbThe pills to be taken with meals will be the least 1786174425Sdougbappetizing ones. 1787174425Sdougb% 1788174425SdougbThe primary function of the design engineer is to make 1789174425Sdougbthings difficult for the fabricator and impossible 1790174425Sdougbfor the serviceman. 1791174425Sdougb% 1792174422SdougbThe probability of a cat eating its dinner has 179360992Shoekabsolutely nothing to do with the price of the food 179460992Shoekplaced before it. 179560992Shoek% 1796174425SdougbThe probability of anything happening is in 1797174425Sdougbinverse ratio to its desirability. 1798174425Sdougb% 1799174425SdougbThe probability of meeting someone you know increases 1800174425Sdougbwhen you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 1801174425Sdougb% 180260992ShoekThe probability that a household pet will raise a fuss 180360992Shoekto go in or out is directly proportional to the number 180460992Shoekand importance of your dinner guests. 180560992Shoek% 1806174425SdougbThe quality of correlation is inversely proportional 1807174425Sdougbto the density of control. 180860992Shoek% 1809174425SdougbThe quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to 1810174425Sdougbtry on a new shirt. 181160992Shoek% 1812174425SdougbThe race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle 1813174425Sdougbto the strong, but that's the way to bet. 181460992Shoek% 1815174425SdougbThe radiologists' national flower is the hedge. 181660992Shoek% 1817174425SdougbThe ratio of time involved in work to time available for 1818174425Sdougbwork is usually about 0.6 181960992Shoek% 1820174425SdougbThe repairman will never have seen a model quite like 1821174425Sdougbyours before. 182260992Shoek% 1823174425SdougbThe road to hell is paved with good intentions 1824174425Sdougband littered with sloppy analyses! 182560992Shoek% 1826174425SdougbThe rotten egg will be the one you break into the 1827174425Sdougbcake batter. 182860992Shoek% 1829174425SdougbThe scratch on the record is always through the song 1830174425Sdougbyou like most. 183160992Shoek% 1832174425SdougbThe secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake 1833174425Sdougbthat you've got it made. 183460992Shoek% 1835174425SdougbThe severity of an itch is inversely proportional 1836174425Sdougbto the reach. 183760992Shoek% 1838174425SdougbThe simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the 1839174425Sdougbmore difficult it will be to open the package. 184060992Shoek% 1841174425SdougbThe six steps of program management are: 1842174425Sdougb(1) Wild enthusiasm 1843174425Sdougb(2) Disenchantment 1844174425Sdougb(3) Total confusion 1845174425Sdougb(4) Search for guilty 1846174425Sdougb(5) Punishment for the innocent 1847174425Sdougb(6) Promotion of the non-participants 184860992Shoek% 1849174425SdougbThe slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out 1850174425Sdougblane. 185160992Shoek% 1852174425SdougbThe source for an unattributed quotation will appear 1853174425Sdougbin the most hostile review of your work. 185460992Shoek% 1855174425SdougbThe speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional 1856174425Sdougbto the length of the passing zone. 185760992Shoek% 1858174425SdougbThe spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on 1859174425Sdougbthe other side. 186060992Shoek% 1861174425SdougbThe stomach expands to accommodate the amount of 1862174425Sdougbjunk food available. 186360992Shoek% 1864174425SdougbThe success of any venture will be helped by prayer, 1865174425Sdougbeven in the wrong denomination. 186660992Shoek% 1867174425SdougbThe sun goes down just when you need it the most. 186860992Shoek% 1869174425SdougbThe system itself does not do what it says it is doing. 187060992Shoek% 1871174425SdougbThe tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, 1872174425Sdougbcampfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies 1873174425Sdougbdirectly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. 187460992Shoek% 1875174425SdougbThe "think positive" leader tends to listen to his 1876174425Sdougbsubordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. 187760992Shoek% 1878174425SdougbThe time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing 1879174425Sdougbseason draws nearer. 188060992Shoek% 1881174425SdougbThe time it takes to rectify a situation is 1882174425Sdougbinversely proportional to the time it took 1883174425Sdougbto do the damage. 188460992Shoek% 1885174425SdougbThe total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. 188660992Shoek% 1887174425SdougbThe TV show you've been looking forward to all week 1888174425Sdougbwill be preempted. 188960992Shoek% 1890174425SdougbThe usefulness of any meeting 1891174425Sdougbis in inverse proportion to the attendance. 189260992Shoek% 1893174425SdougbThe value of a program is proportional 1894174425Sdougbto the weight of its output. 189560992Shoek% 1896174425SdougbThe worse your line is tangled, the better is the 1897174425Sdougbfishing around you. 189860992Shoek% 1899174425SdougbThe wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. 190060992Shoek% 1901174425SdougbThe yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you 1902174425Sdougbget back. 190360992Shoek% 1904174425SdougbThem what gets--has. 190560992Shoek% 1906174425SdougbThere are no winners in life: Only survivors. 1907174425Sdougb% 190860992ShoekThere are some things which are impossible to know - 190960992Shoekbut it is impossible to know these things. 191060992Shoek% 1911174425SdougbThere are three ways to get things done: 1912174425Sdougb (1) Do it yourself, 1913174425Sdougb (2) Hire someone to do it, or 1914174425Sdougb (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 191560992Shoek% 1916174425SdougbThere are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't 1917174425Sdougbstay on and that which won't come off. 191860992Shoek% 1919174425SdougbThere is a solution to every problem; 1920174425Sdougbthe only difficulty is finding it. 192160992Shoek% 1922174425SdougbThere is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. 192360992Shoek% 1924174425SdougbThere is always one more bug. 192560992Shoek% 1926174425SdougbThere is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 192760992Shoek% 1928174425SdougbThere is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", 1929174425Sdougbonly a capitalist. 193060992Shoek% 1931174425SdougbThere is no such thing as a straight line. 193260992Shoek% 1933174425SdougbThere is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. 193460992Shoek% 1935174425SdougbThere's never time to do it right, but there's always 1936174425Sdougbtime to do it over. 193760992Shoek% 1938174425SdougbThere's no time like the present for postponing 1939174425Sdougbwhat you don't want to do. 194060992Shoek% 1941174425SdougbThings equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 194260992Shoek% 1943174425SdougbThings get worse under pressure. 194460992Shoek% 1945174425SdougbThis space for rent. 194660992Shoek% 1947174425SdougbThose whose approval you seek the most give you the least. 194860992Shoek% 1949174425SdougbThose with the best advice offer no advice. 195060992Shoek% 1951174425SdougbTime spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion 1952174425Sdougbto time spent preparing it. 195360992Shoek% 1954174425SdougbTo err is human -- to blame it on someone else is 1955174425Sdougbeven more human. 195660992Shoek% 1957174425SdougbTo err is human, but to really foul things up requires 1958174425Sdougba computer. 195960992Shoek% 1960174425SdougbTo err is human, to forgive is divine -- 1961174425Sdougbbut to forget it altogether is humane. 196260992Shoek% 1963174425SdougbTo get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. 196460992Shoek% 1965174425SdougbTo know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. 196660992Shoek% 1967174425SdougbTo spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job 1968174425Sdougbwill take the longest and cost the most. 196960992Shoek% 1970174425SdougbTrial balances don't. 197160992Shoek% 1972174425SdougbTruth is elastic. 197360992Shoek% 1974174425SdougbUnless the results are known in advance, funding 1975174425Sdougbagencies will reject the proposal. 197660992Shoek% 1977174425SdougbUnless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man 1978174425Sdougbin the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially 1979174425Sdougbnot symbolically. 198060992Shoek% 1981174425SdougbUsefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation 1982174425Sdougbfor being useful. 198360992Shoek% 1984174425SdougbVital papers will demonstrate their vitality by 1985174425Sdougbspontaneously moving from where you left them to where 1986174425Sdougbyou can't find them. 1987174425Sdougb% 1988174425SdougbWashing machines only break down during the wash cycle. 1989174425Sdougb% 1990174425SdougbWashing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 1991174425Sdougb% 1992174422Sdougb"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer than watching 199360992Shoekone overhead. 199460992Shoek% 1995174425SdougbWhatever can go to New York, will. 199660992Shoek% 1997174425SdougbWhatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will 1998174425Sdougbcome in on another one. 199960992Shoek% 2000174425SdougbWhatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest 2001174425Sdougbnumber must happen. 200260992Shoek% 2003174425SdougbWhatever happens to you, it will previously have 2004174425Sdougbhappened to everyone you know only more so. 2005174425Sdougb% 2006174425SdougbWhatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 2007174425Sdougb% 2008174425SdougbWhatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. 2009174425Sdougb% 2010174425SdougbWhen a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, 2011174425Sdougbit will work perfectly. 2012174425Sdougb% 2013174425SdougbWhen a distinguished scientist states something is possible, 2014174425Sdougbhe is almost certainly right. When he states that 2015174425Sdougbsomething is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2016174425Sdougb% 2017174425SdougbWhen a student asks for a second time if you have read 2018174425Sdougbhis book report, he did not read the book. 2019174425Sdougb% 2020174425SdougbWhen a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does 2021174425Sdougbnot understand, his work will be understood only by 2022174425Sdougbreaders who know more about that subject than he does. 2023174425Sdougb% 2024174425SdougbWhen all else fails, read the instructions. 2025174425Sdougb% 2026174425SdougbWhen an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, 2027174425Sdougbresponsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. 2028174425Sdougb% 2029174422SdougbWhen in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble. 203060992Shoek% 2031174425SdougbWhen in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. 203260992Shoek% 2033174425SdougbWhen in doubt, mumble. 2034174425SdougbWhen in trouble, delegate. 2035174425SdougbWhen in charge, ponder. 203660992Shoek% 2037174425SdougbWhen in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. 203860992Shoek% 2039174425SdougbWhen in trouble, obfuscate. 204060992Shoek% 2041174425SdougbWhen life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. 204260992Shoek% 2043174425SdougbWhen more and more people are thrown out of work, 2044174425Sdougbunemployment results. 204560992Shoek% 2046174425SdougbWhen necessary, metric and inch tools can be used 2047174425Sdougbinterchangeably. 204860992Shoek% 2049174425SdougbWhen outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough 2050174425Sdougbthe public will not have enough stake in any one 2051174425Sdougbexpenditure to squelch it. 205260992Shoek% 2053174425SdougbWhen properly administered, vacations do not diminish 2054174425Sdougbproductivity. For every week you are away and get nothing 2055174425Sdougbdone, there is another week when your boss is away and you 2056174425Sdougbget twice as much done. 205760992Shoek% 2058174425SdougbWhen putting it into memory, remember where you put it. 205960992Shoek% 2060174425SdougbWhen reviewing your notes before an exam, the most 2061174425Sdougbimportant ones will be illegible. 206260992Shoek% 2063174425SdougbWhen somebody drops something, everybody will kick it 2064174425Sdougbaround instead of picking it up. 206560992Shoek% 2066174425SdougbWhen the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 2067228909Sdougb -- Lynch 206860992Shoek% 2069174425SdougbWhen the government bureau's remedies do not match your 2070174425Sdougbproblem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 207160992Shoek% 2072174425SdougbWhen the need arises, any tool or object closest to you 2073174425Sdougbbecomes a hammer. 207460992Shoek% 2075174425SdougbWhen the product is destined to fail, the delivery system 2076174425Sdougbwill perform perfectly. 207760992Shoek% 2078174425SdougbWhen they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 207960992Shoek% 2080174425SdougbWhen things are going well, someone will inevitably 2081174425Sdougbexperiment detrimentally. 208260992Shoek% 2083174425SdougbWhen things are going well, something will go wrong. 2084174425SdougbWhen things just can't get any worse, they will. 2085174425SdougbWhen things appear to be going better you have overlooked 2086174425Sdougbsomething. 208760992Shoek% 2088174425SdougbWhen traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves 2089174425Sdougbmarkedly the day after one has purchased foreign 2090174425Sdougbcurrency. 2091174425Sdougb 2092174425SdougbUpon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as 2093174425Sdougbsoon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. 209460992Shoek% 2095174425SdougbWhen we try to pick out anything by itself we find 2096174425Sdougbit hitched to everything else in the universe. 209760992Shoek% 2098174425SdougbWhen working toward the solution of a problem, 2099174425Sdougbit always helps if you know the answer. 2100174425SdougbProvided of course you know there is a problem. 210160992Shoek% 2102174425SdougbWhen you are able to schedule two classes in a row, 2103174425Sdougbthey will be held in classrooms at opposite end of 2104174425Sdougbthe campus. 210560992Shoek% 2106174425SdougbWhen you are right be logical, 2107174425Sdougbwhen you are wrong be-fuddle. 210860992Shoek% 2109174425SdougbWhen you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty 2110174425Sdougbto impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. 211160992Shoek% 2112174425SdougbWhen you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's 2113174425Sdougbsad to know that only one is called the happy hour. 211460992Shoek% 2115174425SdougbWhen you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal 211660992Shoek% 2117174425SdougbWhen you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. 211860992Shoek% 2119174425SdougbWhen you need to knock on wood is when you realize the 2120174425Sdougbworld's composed of aluminum and vinyl. 212160992Shoek% 2122174425SdougbWhen your opponent is down, kick him. 212360992Shoek% 2124174425SdougbWhen you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn 2125174425Sdougbgreen as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. 212660992Shoek% 2127174425SdougbWhenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, 2128174425Sdougbhe fades. 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