limerick revision 49464
1155131SrwatsonA bad little girl in Madrid, 2155131SrwatsonA most reprehensible kid, 3155131Srwatson Told her Tante Louise 4155131Srwatson That her cunt smelled like cheese, 5155131SrwatsonAnd the worst of it was that it did! 6155131Srwatson% 7155131SrwatsonA bather whose clothing was strewed 8155131SrwatsonBy breezes that left her quite nude, 9155131Srwatson Saw a man come along 10155131Srwatson And, unless I am wrong, 11155131SrwatsonYou expected this line to be lewd. 12155131Srwatson% 13155131SrwatsonA bather whose clothing was strewed 14155131SrwatsonBy breezes that left her quite nude, 15155131Srwatson Saw a man come along 16155131Srwatson And, unless I'm quite wrong, 17155131SrwatsonYou expected this line to be lewd. 18155131Srwatson% 19155131SrwatsonA beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 20155131SrwatsonI am not I, I'm a tree." 21155131Srwatson But another, more sane, 22155131Srwatson Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 23155131SrwatsonAnd covered his pants leg with pee. 24155131Srwatson% 25155131SrwatsonA beautiful belle of Del Norte 26155131SrwatsonIs reckoned disdainful and haughty 27155131Srwatson Because during the day 28155131Srwatson She says: "Boys, keep away!" 29155131SrwatsonBut she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 30156283Srwatson% 31155131SrwatsonA beautiful lady named Psyche 32155131SrwatsonIs loved by a fellow named Ikey. 33155131Srwatson One thing about Ike 34156283Srwatson The lady can't like 35156283SrwatsonIs his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 36156283Srwatson% 37155131SrwatsonA beetling young woman named Pridgets 38156283SrwatsonHad a violent abhorrence of midgets; 39156283Srwatson Off the end of a wharf 40156283Srwatson She once pushed a dwarf 41155131SrwatsonWhose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 42155131Srwatson -- Edward Gorey 43155131Srwatson% 44155131SrwatsonA big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 45155131SrwatsonSold cigars at a key-club concession. 46155131Srwatson When she swiveled about 47155131Srwatson Even strong men cried out, 48155131SrwatsonFor her costume did not keep her flesh in. 49155131Srwatson% 50155131SrwatsonA bobby of Nottingham Junction 51155131SrwatsonWhose organ had long ceased to function 52155131Srwatson Deceived his good wife 53155131Srwatson For the rest of her life 54155131SrwatsonWith the aid of his constable's truncheon. 55155131Srwatson% 56155131SrwatsonA broken-down harlot named Tupps 57155131SrwatsonWas heard to confess in her cups: 58155131Srwatson "The height of my folly 59155131Srwatson Was diddling a collie- 60155131SrwatsonBut I got a nice price for the pups." 61155131Srwatson% 62155131SrwatsonA broken-down harlot named Tupps 63155131SrwatsonWas heard to confess in her cups: 64155131Srwatson "The height of my folly 65155131Srwatson Was fucking a collie -- 66155131SrwatsonBut I got a nice price for the pups." 67155131Srwatson% 68155131SrwatsonA burlesque dancer, a pip 69155131SrwatsonNamed Virginia, could peel in a zip; 70155131Srwatson But she read science fiction 71155131Srwatson And died of constriction 72155131SrwatsonAttempting a Moebius strip. 73155131Srwatson -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 74155131Srwatson% 75155131SrwatsonA busy young lady named Gloria 76155131SrwatsonWas had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 77155131Srwatson And then by six men, 78155131Srwatson Sir Gerald again, 79155131SrwatsonAnd the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 80155131Srwatson% 81155131SrwatsonA cabin boy on an old clipper 82155131SrwatsonGrew steadily flipper and flipper. 83155131Srwatson He plugged up his ass 84155131Srwatson With fragments of glass 85155131SrwatsonAnd thus circumcised his old skipper. 86155131Srwatson% 87155131SrwatsonA cautious young fellow named Lodge 88155131SrwatsonHad seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 89155131Srwatson When his date was strapped in, 90155131Srwatson He committed a sin, 91155131SrwatsonWithout even leaving his grodge. 92155131Srwatson% 93155131SrwatsonA cautious young fellow named Lodge, 94155131SrwatsonHad seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 95155131Srwatson With his date all strapped in 96155131Srwatson He committed a sin 97155131SrwatsonWithout even leaving the garage. 98155131Srwatson -- "A Boy and His Dog" 99155131Srwatson% 100155131SrwatsonA cautious young fellow named Tunney 101155131SrwatsonHad a whang that was worth any money. 102155131Srwatson When eased in half-way, 103155131Srwatson The girl's sigh made him say, 104155131Srwatson"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 105155131Srwatson% 106155131SrwatsonA certain young man, it was noted, 107155131SrwatsonWent about in the heat thickly-coated; 108155131Srwatson He said, "You may scoff, 109155131Srwatson But I shan't take it off; 110155131SrwatsonUnderneath I am horribly bloated." 111155131Srwatson -- Edward Gorey 112155131Srwatson% 113155131SrwatsonA certain young person of Ghent, 114155131SrwatsonUncertain if lady or gent, 115155131Srwatson Shows his organs at large 116155131Srwatson For a small handling charge 117155131SrwatsonTo assist him in paying the rent. 118155131Srwatson% 119155131SrwatsonA certain young sheik of Algiers 120155131SrwatsonSaid to his harem, "My dears, 121155131Srwatson Though you may think it odd of me, 122155131Srwatson I'm tired of just sodomy 123155131SrwatsonLet's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 124155131Srwatson% 125155131SrwatsonA chap down in Oklahoma 126155131SrwatsonHad a cock that could sing La Paloma, 127155131Srwatson But the sweetness of pitch 128155131Srwatson Couldn't put off the hitch 129155131SrwatsonOf impotence, size and aroma. 130155131Srwatson% 131155131SrwatsonA charmer from old Amarillo, 132155131SrwatsonSick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 133155131Srwatson Decided one day 134155131Srwatson That to keep men away 135155131SrwatsonShe would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 136155131Srwatson% 137155131SrwatsonA chippy who worked in Black Bluff 138155131SrwatsonHad a pussy as large as a muff. 139155131Srwatson It had room for both hands 140155131Srwatson And some intimate glands, 141155131SrwatsonAnd was soft as a little duck's fluff. 142155131Srwatson% 143155131SrwatsonA clerical student named Pryne 144155131SrwatsonThrough pain sought to reach the divine: 145155131Srwatson He wore a hair shirt, 146155131Srwatson Quite often ate dirt, 147155131SrwatsonAnd bathed every Friday in brine. 148155131Srwatson -- Edward Gorey 149155131Srwatson% 150155131SrwatsonA clever young man named Eugene 151155131SrwatsonInvented a jack-off machine. 152155131Srwatson On the twenty-third stroke 153155131Srwatson The fuckin' thing broke 154155131SrwatsonAnd beat both his balls to a creame. 155155131Srwatson% 156155131SrwatsonA clever young man named Eugene 157155131SrwatsonInvented a jack-off machine. 158155131Srwatson On the twenty-third stroke 159155131Srwatson The goddam thing broke 160155131SrwatsonAnd beat both his balls to a creame. 161155131Srwatson% 162155131SrwatsonA cocksucking steno named Beeman 163155131SrwatsonRemarked as she swallowed my semen : 164155131Srwatson "On my minuscule salary 165155131Srwatson I must watch every calorie, 166155131SrwatsonSo I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 167155131Srwatson% 168155131SrwatsonA computer called Illiac4 169155131SrwatsonHad a rather tough bug in its core. 170155131Srwatson It chewed up its cards 171155131Srwatson And spewed yards and yards 172155131SrwatsonOf illegible tape on the floor. 173155131Srwatson% 174155131SrwatsonA computer, to print out a fact, 175155131SrwatsonWill divide, multiply, and subtract. 176155131Srwatson But this output can be 177155131Srwatson No more than debris, 178155131SrwatsonIf the input was short of exact. 179155131Srwatson -- Gigo 180155131Srwatson% 181155131SrwatsonA contortionist hailing from Lynch 182155131SrwatsonUsed to rent out his tool by the inch. 183155131Srwatson A foot cost a quid -- 184155131Srwatson He could and he did 185155131SrwatsonStretch it to three in a pinch. 186155131Srwatson% 187155131SrwatsonA corpulent maiden named Kroll 188155131SrwatsonHad a notion exceedingly droll: 189155131Srwatson At a masquerade ball, 190155131Srwatson Dressed in nothing at all, 191155131SrwatsonShe backed in as a Parker House roll. 192155131Srwatson% 193155131SrwatsonA couple was fishing near Clombe 194155131SrwatsonWhen the maid began looking quite glum, 195155131Srwatson And said, "Bother the fish! 196155131Srwatson I'd rather coish!" 197155131SrwatsonWhich they did -- which was why they had come. 198155131Srwatson% 199155131SrwatsonA cowhand way out in Seattle 200155131SrwatsonHad a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 201 He said, "No, I can't fuck 202 A lamb or a duck, 203But golly! it just fits the cattle." 204% 205A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 206And had an affair with a Saracen. 207 She was not oversexed, 208 Or jealous or vexed, 209She just wanted to make a comparison. 210% 211A CS student named Lin 212Had a prick the size of a pin 213 It was no good for girls 214 But just great for squirrels 215Who squealed with delight with it in. 216% 217A cute little twerp from Samoa 218Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 219 It was good for keyholes 220 And debutantes' peeholes 221But not worth a damn on a whoa. 222% 223A daredevil skater named Lowe, 224Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 225 But is proudest of doing, 226 Some incredible screwing, 227Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 228% 229A deep-throated virgin named Netty 230Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 231 She said, "It tastes nice, 232 Much better than rice, 233Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 234% 235A delighted, incredulous bride 236Remarked to her groom at her side : 237 "I never could quite 238 Believe till tonight 239Our anatomies would coincide." 240% 241A dentist, young doctor Malone, 242Got a charming girl patient alone, 243 And, in his depravity, 244 Filled the wrong cavity. 245God, how his practice has grown. 246% 247A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 248With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 249 Let his third-story front, 250 To a willing young cunt, 251Who supplied him a new lease on life! 252% 253A desperate spinster from Clare 254Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 255 And prayed to her God 256 For a romp on the sod-- 257'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 258% 259A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 260Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 261 As quick as a glance 262 He stripped off his pants, 263But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 264% 265A doctoral student from Buckingham 266Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 267 But a dropout from paree 268 Taught him Gamahuchee 269- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 270% 271A doctoral student from Buckingham 272Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 273 But a dropout from paree 274 Taught him Gamahuchee 275So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 276% 277A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 278Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 279 She blew her vagina 280 To South Carolina, 281And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 282 283A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 284Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 285 They found her vagina, 286 In South Carolina, 287And part of her ass in Brazil. 288% 289A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 290Whose overworked sex is all callous, 291 Wore the foreskin away 292 On uncircumcised Ray, 293Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 294% 295A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 296Wished to foster an aura of menace; 297 To make people afraid 298 He wore gloves of grey suede 299And white footgear intended for tennis. 300 -- Edward Gorey 301% 302A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 303Wished to foster an aura of menace. 304 To make people afraid 305 He wore gloves of grey suede 306And white footgear intended for tennis. 307 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" 308% 309A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, 310Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, 311 Had achieved some reknown 312 For her tone going down-- 313There's a nice civil tongue in her head. 314% 315A fair-haired young damsel named Grace 316Thought it very, very foolish to place 317 Her hand on your cock 318 When it turned hard as rock, 319For fear it would explode in your face. 320% 321A farmer I know named O'Doole 322Had a long and incredible tool. 323 He can use it to plow, 324 Or to diddle a cow, 325Or just as a cue-stick at pool. 326% 327A fellatrix's healthful condition 328Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. 329 Her remarkable diet 330 (I suggest that you try it) 331Was only her clients' emission. 332% 333A fellow whose surname was Hunt 334Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: 335 This versatile spout 336 Could be turned inside out, 337Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. 338% 339A fisherman off of Cape Cod 340Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" 341 But the high-minded fish 342 Resented his wish, 343And nimbly swam off with his rod. 344% 345A foolish geologist from Kissen 346Just didn't know what he was missin', 347 By studying rock 348 And neglecting his cock, 349And using it merely for pissin'. 350% 351A Frenchman who lived in Alsace 352Had sex with a virgin named Grace. 353 When he popped her cherry, 354 She made things hairy 355By bleeding all over his face. 356% 357A frustrated lady named Alice 358Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 359 They found her vagina 360 In North Carolina 361And bits of her tits were in Dallas. 362% 363A gay young prince from Morocco 364Made love in a manner rococco. 365 He painted his penis 366 To resemble a venus 367And flavored his semen with cocoa. 368% 369A geneticist living in Delft 370Scientifically played with himself, 371 And when he was done 372 He labled it: son, 373And filed him away on a shelf. 374% 375A geneticist living in Delft 376Scientifically played with himself, 377 And when he was done 378 He labled it: son, 379And filed him away on a shelf. 380A gentleman, otherwise meek, 381Detested with passion the leek; 382 When offered one out 383 He dealt such a clout 384To the maid, she was down for a week. 385 -- Edward Gorey 386% 387A gentleman, otherwise meek, 388Detested with passion the leek; 389 When offered one out 390 He dealt such a clout 391To the maid, she was down for a week. 392 -- Edward Gorey 393% 394A german composer named Bruckner 395Remarked to a lady while fuckener : 396 "Less lento, my dear, 397 With your cute little rear; 398I like a hot presto when muckener!" 399% 400A gift was delivered to Laura 401From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; 402 Wrapped in tissue and crepe, 403 It was peeled, like a grape, 404And emitted a pale, greenish aura. 405 -- Edward Gorey 406% 407A gifted young fellow from Sparta 408Was widely renowned as a farta'. 409 He could fart anything 410 From "Of Thee I Sing," 411To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." 412% 413A girl camper once had an affair 414With a fellow all covered with hair. 415 When she gave him his hat 416 She realized that 417She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 418% 419A girl of the Enterprise crew 420Refused every offer to screw. 421 But a Vulcan named Spock 422 Crawled under her smock, 423And now she is eating for two. 424% 425A girl of uncertain nativity 426Had an ass of extreme sensitivity 427 While she sat on the lap 428 Of a German or Jap, 429She could sense Fifth Column activity. 430% 431A graduate student named Zac 432Was said to be great in the sack. 433 An inch of his boner 434 Put girls in a coma 435And two gave them epileptic attacks. 436% 437A graduate student named Zac 438Was said to be great in the sack. 439 An inch of his boner 440 Put girls in a coma 441And two gave them epileptic attacks. 442% 443A greedy young lady from Sidney 444Liked it in up to her kidney, 445 Till a man from Quebec 446 Shoved it up to her neck-- 447He really diddled her, didn' he? 448% 449A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds 450Once swallowed a package of seeds. 451 In a month, his ass 452 Was covered with grass 453And his balls were grown over with weeds. 454% 455A guest in a household quite charmless 456Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 457 "If you're caught unawares 458 At the head of the stairs, 459Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 460 -- Edward Gorey 461% 462A habit depraved and unsavory 463Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 464 Midst screeches and howls 465 He deflowered young owls 466Which he kept in an underground aviary 467% 468A habit obscene and bizarre, 469Has taken a-hold of papa. 470 He brings home young camels 471 And other odd mammals, 472And gives them a go at mama. 473% 474A habit obscene and unsavory, 475Holds a CS professor in slavery. 476 With maniacal howls, 477 He deflowers young owls, 478That he keeps in an underground aviary. 479% 480A hacker who screwed a mag tape 481Was caught and convicted of rape. 482 To jail he did go, 483 From which, to his woe 484He couldn't get out with ESC. 485% 486A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 487Made love to the drive of his disk. 488 The thing circumsized him, 489 Which rather suprised him. 490He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 491% 492A handsome young rodent named Gratian 493As a lifeguard became a sensation. 494 All the lady mice waved 495 And screamed to be saved 496By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. 497% 498A happy old hooker named Grace 499Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. 500 It was hard for beginners 501 To tell who were winners : 502There were cunt hairs all over the place. 503% 504A hardware debugger named Court 505Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. 506 But its buffer array 507 Only handled 1K, 508So the port's driver cut it off short. 509% 510A haughty young wench of Del Norte 511Would fuck only men over forty. 512 Said she, "It's too quick 513 With a young fellow's prick; 514I like it to last, and be warty." 515% 516A headstrong young woman in Ealing 517Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; 518 When quizzed why she did, 519 She replied, "To be rid 520Of a strange, overpowering feeling." 521 -- Edward Gorey 522% 523A hearty young fellow named Yost 524Once had an affair with a ghost. 525 At the height of the spasm 526 The poor ectoplasm 527Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." 528% 529A hearty young fellow named Yost 530Once had an affair with a ghost. 531 At the height of the spasm 532 The poor ectoplasm 533Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." 534% 535A hidebound young virgin named Carrie 536Would say, when the fellows got hairy : 537 "Keep your prick in your pants 538 Till the end of this dance--" 539Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. 540% 541A highly aesthetic young Jew 542Had eyes of a heavenly blue; 543 The end of his dillie 544 Was shaped like a lilly, 545And his balls were too utterly two! 546% 547A highway patrol buff named Claire, 548Once screwed half a troop on a dare, 549 And her parts grew so hot, 550 There was steam on her twat, 551So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! 552% 553A horny young fellow named Reg, 554Was jerking off under a hedge. 555 The gardener drew near 556 With a huge pruning shear, 557And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. 558% 559A huge-organed female in Dallas, 560Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, 561 Was virgo intacto, 562 Because, ipso facto, 563No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. 564% 565A joker who haunts Monticello 566Is really a terrible fellow. 567 In the midst of caresses 568 He fills ladies dresses 569With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. 570% 571A lacklustre lady of Brougham 572Weaveth all night at her loom. 573 Anon she doth blench 574 When her lord and his wench 575Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. 576% 577A lad, at his first copulation, 578Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, 579 Gyration, elation 580 Throughout the duration, 581I guess I'll give up masturbation." 582% 583A lad from far-off Transvaal 584Was lustful, but tactful withal. 585 He'd say, just for luck, 586 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" 587But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. 588% 589A lad of the brainier kind 590Had erogenous zones in his mind. 591 He got his sensations, 592 By solving equations, 593(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) 594% 595A lady born under a curse 596Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; 597 From the back she would wail 598 Through a thickness of veil: 599"Things do not get better, but worse." 600 -- Edward Gorey 601% 602A lady both callous and brash 603Met a man with a vast black moustache; 604 She cried, "Shave it, O do! 605 And I'll put it with glue 606On my hat as a sort of panache." 607 -- Edward Gorey 608% 609A lady from Kalamazoo 610Once found she had nothing to do, 611 So she sat on the stairs 612 And she counted her hairs: 6134,302. 614% 615A lady from Old Little Rock 616In fidelity took little stock, 617 And deserted her man 618 In the streets of Japan 619For a boy with a prehensile cock. 620% 621A lady removing her scanties, 622Heard them crackle electrical chanties. 623 Said her beau, "Have no fear, 624 For the reason is clear: 625You simply have amps in your panties. 626% 627A lady stockholder quite hetera 628Decided her fortune to bettera: 629 On the floor, quite unclad, 630 She successively had 631Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... 632% 633A lady was seized with intent 634To revise her existence misspent. 635 So she climbed up the dome 636 Of St. Peter's in Rome, 637Where she stayed through the following Lent. 638 -- Edward Gorey 639% 640A lady while dining at Crewe 641Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 642 Said the waiter, "Don't shout, 643 And don't wave it about, 644Or the others will all want one too." 645% 646A lady, while dining in Crewe, 647Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 648 Said the waiter, "Don't shout 649 Or wave it about 650Or the others will ask for one, too." 651% 652A lady who signs herself "Vexed" 653Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: 654 "I don't mind my shins 655 Being stuck full of pins, 656But I fear I am coming unsexed." 657 -- Edward Gorey 658% 659A lady with features cherubic 660Was famed for her area pubic. 661 When they asked her its size 662 She replied in surprise, 663"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" 664% 665A lass at the foot of her class 666Asked a brainier chick how to pass. 667 She replied, "With no fuss 668 You can get a B-plus, 669By letting the prof pat your ass." 670% 671A lecherous barkeep named Dale, 672After fucking his favorite female, 673 Mixed Drambuie and scotch 674 With the cream in her crotch 675For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. 676% 677A licentious old justice of Salem 678Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. 679 But instead of a fine 680 He would stand them in line, 681With his common-law tool to impale 'em. 682% 683A limerick packs laughs anatomical 684Into space that is quite economical. 685 But the good ones I've seen 686 So seldom are clean, 687And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 688% 689A linguist thought it a farce 690That memory space was so sparse. 691 One day they increased it. 692 Said he as he seized it: 693"At last! Enough core for the parse". 694% 695A lonely young lad of Eton 696Used always to sleep with the heat on, 697 Till he ran into a lass 698 Who showed him her ass -- 699Now they sleep with only a sheet on. 700% 701A lovely young diver named Nancy, 702Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, 703 The fish of Bonaire, 704 Watched her Derriere, 705And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. 706% 707A lovely young maid from St. Jude 708Once rode through the streets in the nude. 709 The police cried, "Whatam-- 710 Agnificent bottom" 711And slapped it as hard as they could. 712% 713A lovely young maid from St. Jude 714Once rode through the streets in the nude. 715 The police cried, "Whatam-- 716 Agnificent bottom" 717And slapped it as hard as they cude. 718% 719A lusty young maid from Seattle 720Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; 721 Till she found a bull 722 Who filled her so full 723It made both her ovaries rattle. 724% 725A lusty young woodsman of Maine 726For years with no woman had lain, 727 But he found sublimation 728 At a high elevation 729In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! 730% 731A madam who ran a bordello 732Put come in her pineapple jello, 733 For the rich, sexy taste 734 And not wanting to waste 735That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. 736% 737A maestro directing in Rome 738Had a quaint way of driving it home. 739 Whoever he climbed 740 Had to keep her tail timed 741To the beat of his old metronome. 742% 743A maiden who lived in Virginny 744Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. 745 The horsey set rushed her, 746 But success finally crushed her 747For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. 748% 749A maiden who travelled in France 750Once got on a train, just by chance. 751 The engineer fucked her, 752 The conductor sucked her, 753And the fireman came in his pants. 754% 755A maiden who wrote of big cities 756Some songs full of love, fun and pities, 757 Sold her stuff at the shop 758 Of a musical wop 759Who played with her soft little titties. 760% 761A man was once heard to boast, 762That he received a parcel by post, 763 It contained, so we heard, 764 A magnificent turd, 765And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. 766% 767A marine being sent to Hong Kong 768Got a doctor to alter his dong. 769 He sailed off with a tool 770 Flat and thin as a rule - 771When he got there he found he was wrong. 772% 773A mathematician named Hall 774Had a hexhedronical ball, 775 And the square of its weight 776 Times his pecker's, plus eight, 777Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. 778% 779A mathematician named Hall 780Has a hexahedronical ball, 781 And the cube of its weight 782 Times his pecker's, plus eight 783Is his phone number -- give him a call... 784% 785A mathematician named Klein 786Thought the Mobius band was divine. 787 Said he, "If you glue 788 The edges of two, 789You'll get a weird bottle like mine! 790% 791A middle-aged codger named Bruin 792Found his love life completely in ruin, 793 For he flirted with flirts 794 Wearing pants and no skirts, 795And he never got in for no screwin'. 796% 797A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, 798Who was lonely and wanted a futter. 799 She had nowhere to turn, 800 So she diddled a churn, 801And managed to come with the butter. 802% 803A mortician who practised in Fife 804Made love to the corpse of his wife. 805 "How could I know, Judge? 806 She was cold, did not budge-- 807Just the same as she'd acted in life." 808% 809A nasty old drunk in Carmel 810Thinks it funny to piss in the well. 811 He says, "Some don't favor 812 That unusual flavor, 813But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" 814% 815A nervous young fellow named Fred 816Took a charming young widow to bed. 817 When he'd diddled a while 818 She remarked with a smile, 819"You've got it all in but the head." 820% 821A new dramatist of the absurd 822Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 823 I learn from my spies 824 He's about to devise 825An unprintable three-letter word. 826% 827A newlywed couple from Goshen 828Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. 829 In twenty-eight days 830 They got laid eighty ways -- 831Imagine such fucking devotion! 832% 833A newly-wed man of Peru 834Found himself in a terrible stew: 835 His wife was in bed 836 Much deader than dead, 837And so he had no one to screw. 838% 839A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, 840In the pleasures of men was well-versed. 841 Reads the sign o'er the head 842 Of her well-rumpled bed 843"The customer always comes first." 844% 845A novice was told by the Abbot: 846"Consider the goat and the rabbit. 847 While they roll in the hay 848 You just stay home and pray. 849You've got to get out of that habit." 850% 851A nudist resort at Benares 852Took a midget in all unawares. 853 But he made members weep 854 For he just couldn't keep 855His nose out of private affairs. 856% 857A nurse motivated by spite 858Tied her infantine charge to a kite; 859 She launched it with ease 860 On the afternoon breeze, 861And watched till it flew out of sight. 862 -- Edward Gorey 863% 864A pansy who lived in Khartoum 865Took a lesbian up to his room. 866 They argued all night 867 Over who had the right 868To do what, with which, and to whom. 869% 870A passionate red-haired girl 871When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, 872 And her twat would get wet, 873 And would wiggle and fret, 874And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. 875% 876A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux 877Fell in love with a dashing young beau. 878 To arrest his regard 879 She would squat in his yard 880And longingly pee in the sneaux. 881% 882A petulant man once said, "Pish, 883Your cunt is as big as a dish." 884 She replied, "Why, you fool, 885 With your limp little tool, 886It's like driving a pin with a fish." 887% 888A physical fellow named Fisk 889Could screw at a rate very brisk. 890 So fast was his action 891 The Fitzgerald contraction 892Would shrink up his rod to a disk. 893% 894A pious old woman named Tweak 895Had taught her vagina to speak. 896 It was frequently liable 897 To quote from the Bible, 898But when fucking -- not even a squeak! 899% 900A pious young lady named Finnegan 901Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; 902 So time it aright, 903 Make it last through the night, 904For I certainly don't want to sin again!" 905% 906A pious young lady of Chichester 907Made all of the saints in their niches stir 908 And each morning at matin 909 Her breast in pink satin 910Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. 911% 912A playful young chemist named Byrd 913Had an urge that could not be deferred. 914 So to irritate Knox 915 He shit in his sox, 916And plastered the walls with his turd. 917% 918A plumber whose name was John Brink 919Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. 920 Her resistance was stout, 921 And John Brink petered out, 922With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. 923% 924A potter who lived in Bombay 925Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; 926 But the heat of his prick 927 Kilned the damn thing to brick 928And chafed all his foreskin away. 929% 930A pretty wife living in Tours 931Demanded her daily amour. 932 But the husband said, "No! 933 It's to much. Let it go! 934My backsides are dragging the floor." 935% 936A pretty young boy known as Kevin 937Was raped in a pasture by seven 938 Lascivious beasts 939 (Oh, those Anglican priests) 940And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. 941% 942A pretty young lady named Vogel 943Once sat herself down on a molehill. 944 A curious mole 945 Nosed into her hole -- 946Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 947% 948A pretty young lady named Vogel 949Once sat herself down on a molehill. 950 A curious mole 951 Nosed into her hole -- 952Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 953% 954A pretty young lady named Vogel 955Once sat herself down on a molehill. 956 A curious mole 957 Nosed into her hole- 958Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 959% 960A pretty young lady named Vogel 961Once sat herself down on a molehill. 962 A curious mole 963 Nosed into her hole -- 964Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 965% 966A pretty young maiden from France 967Decided she'd "just take a chance." 968 She let herself go 969 For an hour or so, 970And now all her sisters are aunts. 971% 972A princess who lived near a bog 973Met a prince in the form of a frog. 974 Now she and her prince 975 Are the parents of quints, 976Four boys and one fine polliwog. 977% 978A princess who reigned in Baroda 979Made her home on a purple pagoda. 980 She festooned the walls 981 Of her halls with the balls 982And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. 983% 984A programmer down in Moline 985Said, I'm the match for any machine. 986 My secret's aversion, 987 To loops and recursion, 988Just acres of in-line routine. 989 -- W.J. Wilson 990% 991A progressive professor named Winners 992Held classes each evening for sinners. 993 They were graded and spaced 994 So the vile and debased 995Would not be held back by beginners. 996% 997A rapist who reeked of cheap booze 998Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. 999 She cried, "I suppose 1000 There's no time for my clothes, 1001But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" 1002% 1003A rapturous young fellatrix 1004One day was at work on five pricks. 1005 With an unholy cry 1006 She whipped out her glass eye: 1007"Tell the boys I can now take on six." 1008% 1009A reckless young lady of France 1010Had no qualms about taking a chance, 1011 But she thought it was crude 1012 To get screwed in the nude, 1013So she always went home with damp pants. 1014% 1015A remarkable race are the Persians; 1016They have such peculiar diversions. 1017 They make love the whole day 1018 In the usual way 1019And save up the nights for perversions. 1020% 1021A remarkable race are the Persians, 1022They have such peculiar diversions. 1023 They screw the whole day 1024 In the regular way, 1025And save up the nights for perversions. 1026% 1027A responsive young girl from the East 1028In bed was an able artiste. 1029 She had learned two positions 1030 From family physicians, 1031And ten more from the old parish priest. 1032% 1033A romantic attraction has clung 1034To a chap of whom damsels have sung: 1035 "'Tis the Scourge from the East, 1036 That lascivious beast 1037Who was known as Attila the Hung!" 1038% 1039A sailor who slept in the sun, 1040Woke to find his fly buttons undone, 1041 He remarked with a smile, 1042 "Good grief, a sun-dial! 1043And now it's a quarter-past one." 1044% 1045A savvy young hooker named Gail 1046Got busted and lodged in the jail. 1047 But the jailer got hot, 1048 To be lodged in her twat, 1049And so Gail made the bail with her tail. 1050% 1051A scandal involving an oyster 1052Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister 1053 She preferred it, in bed, 1054 To the count (so she said) 1055'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. 1056% 1057A scream from the crypt of St. Giles 1058Resounded for miles upon miles. 1059 Said the friar, "Good gracious, 1060 The brother Ignatious 1061Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." 1062% 1063A seafaring hacker named Slatey 1064Went to bed with a VAX/780. 1065 The thing's learned to swear 1066 With a nautical air, 1067And refers to its users as "matey". 1068% 1069A sex-loving coed named Bree 1070Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. 1071 The joystick, she found, 1072 Had been fooling around 1073With a neighboring student's PC. 1074% 1075A silly young man from Hong Kong 1076Had hands that were skinny and long. 1077 He ate rice with his fingers-- 1078 The taste of it lingers, 1079But now all his fingers are gone. 1080% 1081A slick talking pirate named Bruce 1082To steal code, had a plan to seduce 1083 An Apple II+. 1084 Now Bruce wears a truss 1085And was jailed for computer abuse. 1086% 1087A software technician from Digital 1088Had hardware extremely prodigical. 1089 It's rumoured, I hear, 1090 That when he was near 1091He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. 1092% 1093A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, 1094Made love to a lovely girl sentry. 1095 She started to pout, 1096 Because it fell out, 1097But the mission was saved by re-entry. 1098% 1099A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, 1100His moment of sexual truth. 1101 He'd expected to fall 1102 On a womb's spongy wall 1103But was dashed to his death on a tooth. 1104% 1105A spinster in Kalamazoo 1106Once strolled after dark by the zoo. 1107 She was seized by the nape, 1108 And fucked by an ape, 1109And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." 1110 1111And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, 1112But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry 1113 A man with a prick 1114 Half as stiff and as thick 1115As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." 1116% 1117A spunky young schoolboy named Fred 1118Used totoss off each night while in bed. 1119 Said his mother, "Dear lad, 1120 That's exceedingly bad-- 1121Jump in here with your mamma instead." 1122% 1123A starship commander named Kirk 1124Emerged from his cabin berserk. 1125 He grabbed a girl yeoman 1126 Beneath the abdomen, 1127And gave her a physical jerk. 1128% 1129A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, 1130Was having a captive, a person 1131 Who was not averse 1132 Though she had the curse, 1133And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. 1134% 1135A structured programmer named Drew 1136Was intensely turned on by "goto". 1137 When he saw it in code 1138 He'd shoot off his load. 1139It's a good thing his shop used so few. 1140% 1141A studious professor named Nestor 1142Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. 1143 But she drained out his balls 1144 And skipped up the walls, 1145Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. 1146% 1147A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1148Went down on her beau in the garden. 1149 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1150 Don't swallow that mess " 1151And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1152% 1153A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1154Went down on her beau in the garden. 1155 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1156 Don't swallow that mess!" 1157And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1158% 1159A systems programmer named Sprotic 1160Found his software intensely erotic. 1161 In jealous distress 1162 He wiped his OS. 1163It's possible that he's psychotic. 1164% 1165A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, 1166Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. 1167 While the man detumesced 1168 She still spent on with zest, 1169Her rapture sheer anachronism. 1170% 1171A talented girl from Detroit 1172Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. 1173 She could squeeze her vagina 1174 To a pin-point or finer 1175Or open it out like a quoit. 1176% 1177A team playing baseball in Dallas 1178Called te umpire blind out of malice. 1179 While this worthy had fits 1180 The team made eight hits 1181And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1182% 1183A team playing baseball in Dallas 1184Called the umpire blind out of malice. 1185 While this worthy had fits 1186 The team made eight hits 1187And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1188% 1189A teenage protester named Lil 1190Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill 1191 First they bugged our martinis, 1192 Our bras and bikinis, 1193And now they are bugging the pill." 1194% 1195A thrice-married gal from L.A. 1196Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, 1197 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, 1198 The voyeur only gawked at it, 1199And my most recent man's a gourmet." 1200% 1201A tidy young lady of Streator 1202Dearly loved to nibble a peter. 1203 She always would say, 1204 "I prefer it this way. 1205I think it is very much neater." 1206% 1207A timid young woman named Jane 1208Found parties a terrible strain; 1209 With movements uncertain 1210 She'd hide in a curtain 1211And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. 1212 -- Edward Gorey 1213% 1214A tired young trollop of Nome 1215Was worn out from her toes to her dome. 1216 Eight miners came screwing, 1217 But she said, "Nothing doing; 1218One of you has to go home!" 1219% 1220A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 1221Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 1222 The result of this fuck 1223 Was a three titted duck, 1224A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 1225% 1226A tutor who tooted a flute 1227Tried to tutor two tutors to toot 1228 Said the two to the tutor: 1229 "Is it harder to toot or 1230To tutor two tutors to toot" 1231% 1232A vengeful technician named Schmitz 1233Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. 1234 He covered the platter 1235 With bats' fecal matter. 1236Now it's seek time is really the pits. 1237% 1238A very intelligent turtle 1239Found programming UNIX a hurdle 1240 The system, you see, 1241 Ran as slow as did he, 1242And that's not saying much for the turtle. 1243% 1244A very odd pair are the Pitts: 1245His balls are as large as her tits, 1246 Her tits are as large 1247 As an invasion barge-- 1248Neither knows how the other cohabits. 1249% 1250A wanton young lady from Wimley 1251Reproached for not acting quite primly 1252 Said, "Heavens above! 1253 I know sex isn't love, 1254But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 1255% 1256A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1257She used it for many a bunt. 1258 But the unlucky wench 1259 Got it caught in her trench --- 1260It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1261To get the thing out of her cunt. 1262% 1263A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1264She used it for many a bunt. 1265 But the unlucky wench 1266 Got it caught in her trench --- 1267It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1268To get the thing out of her cunt. 1269% 1270A weary old lecher named Blott 1271Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. 1272 Too lazy to rape her, 1273 He made darts out of paper, 1274Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. 1275% 1276A whimsical fellow named Bloch 1277Could beat the base drum with his cock. 1278 With a special erection 1279 He could play a selection 1280From Johann Sebastian Bach. 1281% 1282A wicked stone cutter named Cary 1283Drilled holes in divine statuary. 1284 With eyes full of malice 1285 He pulled out his phallus, 1286And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. 1287% 1288A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket 1289Had a hole as big as a basket. 1290 A spot, as a bride, 1291 In it now, you could hide, 1292And include with your luggage your mascot. 1293% 1294A widow whose singular vice 1295Was to keep her late husband on ice 1296 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- 1297 I'll never defrost him! 1298Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." 1299% 1300A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1301His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1302 He can take in his beak 1303 Enough food for a week. 1304And I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1305% 1306A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1307His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1308 He can take in his beak 1309 Enough food for a week. 1310I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1311% 1312A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, 1313Renowned for the length of their peenies. 1314 The hair on their balls 1315 Sweeps the floors of their halls, 1316But they don't look at women, the meanies. 1317% 1318A wood-fetish busboy named Gable 1319Is rapid, is thorough, is able; 1320 But when everything's cleared, 1321 He gives way to the weird, 1322As he lovingly busses each table. 1323% 1324A worn-out young husband named Lehr 1325Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: 1326 "Slip on a sheath, quick, 1327 Then slip your big dick 1328Between these lips covered with hair." 1329% 1330A worried young man from Stamboul 1331Discovered red spots on his tool. 1332 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1333 "Get out of my clinic 1334Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." 1335% 1336A worried young man from Stamboul 1337Founds lots of red spots on his tool. 1338 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1339 "Get out of my clinic; 1340Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" 1341% 1342A young bride and groom of Australia 1343Remarked as they joined genitalia : 1344 "Though the system seems odd, 1345 We are thankful that God 1346Developed the genus Mammalia." 1347% 1348A young fellow discovered through Freud 1349That although of penis devoid, 1350 He could practice coitus 1351 By eating a foetus, 1352And his parents were quite overjoyed. 1353% 1354A young Juliet of St. Louis 1355On a balcony stood acting screwy. 1356 Her Romeo climbed, 1357 But he wasn't well timed, 1358And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! 1359% 1360A young lad named Lester McGraw 1361Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. 1362 As he watched him stick her 1363 He said, with a snicker, 1364"You do it much faster than Paw." 1365% 1366A young lady sat by the sea, 1367Just as proper as proper could be. 1368 A young fellow goosed her, 1369 And roughly seduced her, 1370So she thanked him and went home to tea. 1371% 1372A young lady who lived by the Usk 1373Subsisted each day on a rusk; 1374 She ate the first bite 1375 Before it was light, 1376And the last crumb sometime after dusk. 1377 -- Edward Gorey 1378% 1379A young lass got married at Chester; 1380Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. 1381 Said she, "You're in luck -- 1382 'E's a stunning good fuck, 1383For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." 1384% 1385A young maiden from France was no prude, 1386She decided to dive in the nude, 1387 But her buddy, behind, 1388 Went out of his mind, 1389When he noticed where she was tatooed. 1390% 1391A young man by a girl was desired 1392To give her the thrills she required, 1393 But he died of old age 1394 Ere his cock could assuage 1395The volcanic desire it inspired. 1396% 1397A young man from the banks of the Po 1398Found his cock had elongated so, 1399 That when he'd pee 1400 It was never he 1401But only his neighbors who'd know. 1402% 1403A young man grew increasingly peaky 1404In a house where the hinges were squeaky, 1405 The ferns curled up brown, 1406 The ceilings flaked down, 1407And all of the faucets were leaky. 1408 -- Edward Gorey 1409% 1410A young man maintained that his trigger 1411Was so big that there weren't any bigger. 1412 But this long and thick pud 1413 Was so heavy it could 1414Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. 1415% 1416A young man of acumen and daring, 1417Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, 1418 Was left quite alone 1419 When it soon became known 1420That their use at his board was unsparing. 1421 -- Edward Gorey 1422% 1423A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll 1424While bent over plucking a dingle 1425 Had the whole of Eisteddfod 1426 Taking turns at his pod 1427While they sang some impossible jingle. 1428% 1429A young man with passions quite gingery 1430Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. 1431 He slapped her behind 1432 And made up his mind 1433To add incest to insult and injury. 1434% 1435A young polo-player of Berkeley 1436Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. 1437 In the midst of each chukker 1438 He would break off and fuck her 1439Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. 1440% 1441A young systems programmer of Sprotic 1442Found his software intensely erotic. 1443 In jealous distress 1444 He wiped his OS. 1445It's possible that he's a psychotic. 1446% 1447A young violinist from Rio 1448Was seducing a woman named Cleo. 1449 As she took down her panties 1450 She said, "No andantes; 1451I want this allegro con brio!" 1452% 1453A young wife in the outskirts of Reims 1454Preferred frigging to going to mass. 1455 Said her husband, "Take Jacques, 1456 Or any young cock, 1457For I cannot live up to your ass." 1458% 1459A young woman got married at Chester, 1460Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. 1461 Says she, "You're in luck, 1462 He's a stunning good fuck, 1463For I've had him myself down in Leicester." 1464% 1465According to experts, the oyster 1466In its shell - a crustacean cloister - 1467 May frequently be 1468 Either he or a she 1469Or both, if it should be its choice ter. 1470% 1471Alas for the Countess d'Isere, 1472Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. 1473 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" 1474 When he parted her thighs; 1475"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." 1476% 1477All the female apes ran from King Kong 1478For his dong was unspeakably long. 1479 But a friendly giraffe 1480 Quaffed his yard and a half, 1481And ecstatically burst into song. 1482% 1483An aesthete from South Carolina 1484Had a cock that tickled like China, 1485 But while shooting his load 1486 It cracked like old Spode, 1487So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. 1488% 1489An agreeable girl named Miss Doves 1490Likes to jack off the young men she loves. 1491 She will use her bare fist 1492 If the fellows insist 1493But she really prefers to wear gloves. 1494% 1495An AI researcher named Bluth 1496Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, 1497 Eroticon VI, 1498 Which he taught certain tricks 1499Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. 1500% 1501An amazon giantess named Dunne 1502Let a midget screw her for fun. 1503 But the poor little runt 1504 Was engulfed in her cunt 1505And re-born as the twin of his son. 1506% 1507An ambitious lady named Harriet 1508Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot 1509 By seventeen sailors 1510 A monk and three tailors, 1511Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. 1512% 1513An anonymous woman we knew 1514Was dozing one day in her pew; 1515 When the preacher yelled "Sin!" 1516 She said, "Count me in 1517As soon as the service is through." 1518% 1519An architect fellow named Yoric 1520Could, when feeling euphoric, 1521 Display for selection 1522 Three kinds of erection- 1523Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 1524% 1525An architect fellow named Yoric 1526Could, when feeling euphoric, 1527 Display for selection 1528 Three kinds of erection- 1529Corinthian,ionic,and doric. 1530% 1531An ardent young man named Magruder 1532Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. 1533 She thought it quite lewd 1534 To be wooed in the nude, 1535But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. 1536% 1537An Argentine gaucho named Bruno 1538Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. 1539 Women are fine 1540 And sheep are divine 1541But llamas are numero uno." 1542% 1543An ARPAnaut name of Corvette 1544Had a fetish involving the net. 1545 As he fondled his IMP 1546 His cock went from limp 1547To as hard as concrete which has set. 1548% 1549An arrogant wench from Salt Lake 1550Liked to tease all the boys on the make. 1551 She was finally the prize 1552 Of a man twice her size 1553And all she recalls is the ache. 1554% 1555An artist who lived in Australia 1556Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1557 The drawing was fine, 1558 The colour - devine, 1559The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1560% 1561An artist who lived in Australia 1562Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1563 The drawing was fine, 1564 The colour - divine, 1565The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1566% 1567An eager young hacker named Gus 1568Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1569 The hardware went bad, 1570 But not the young lad 1571(Except for the toupee and truss). 1572% 1573An eager young hacker named Gus 1574Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1575 The hardware went bad, 1576 But not the young lad 1577He didn't expect all that fuss! 1578% 1579An Edwardian father named Udgeon, 1580Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, 1581 Used on Saturday nights 1582 To turn down the lights, 1583And chase them around with a bludgeon. 1584 -- Edward Gorey 1585% 1586An envious girl named McMeanus 1587Was jealous of her lover's big penis. 1588 It was small consolation 1589 That the rest of the nation 1590Of women were with her in weeness. 1591% 1592An exotic young lady named Suki 1593Once danced in a troupe of kabuki 1594 When asked for a fuck 1595 She said, "Solly, no luck-- 1596See here: looky looky, no nuki " 1597% 1598An impish young fellow named James 1599Had a passion for idiot games. 1600 He lighted the hair 1601 Of his lady's affair 1602And laughed as she pissed through the flames. 1603% 1604An impotent Scot named MacDougall 1605Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. 1606 He was gathering semen 1607 To gender a he-man, 1608By screwing his wife through a bugle. 1609% 1610An incautious young woman named Venn 1611Was seen with the wrong sort of men; 1612 She vanished one day, 1613 But the following May 1614Her legs were retrieved from a fen. 1615 -- Edward Gorey 1616% 1617An indefatigable woman named Bavel 1618Had often occasion to travel; 1619 On the way she would sit 1620 And furiously knit, 1621And on the way back she'd unravel. 1622 -- Edward Gorey 1623% 1624An ingenious young man in South Bend 1625Made a synthetic ass for a friend, 1626 But the friend shortly found 1627 Its construction unsound, 1628It was simply a bother -- no end. 1629% 1630An innocent maiden named Herridge 1631Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; 1632 When she later found out 1633 What her spouse was about, 1634She threw herself under a carriage. 1635 -- Edward Gorey 1636% 1637An inquisitive virgin named Dora 1638Asked the man who started to bore 'er : 1639 "Do you mean birds and bees 1640 Go through antics like these, 1641To suppy us our fauna and flora?" 1642% 1643An irate young lady named Booker 1644Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! 1645 If you want it queer ways, 1646 Go to whores for your lays!" 1647So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. 1648% 1649An octagenerian Jew 1650To his wife remained steadfastly true. 1651 This was not from compunction, 1652 But due to dysfunction 1653Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. 1654% 1655An old couple just at Shrovetide 1656Were having a piece -- when he died. 1657 The wife for a week 1658 Sat tight on his peak, 1659And bounced up and down as she cried. 1660% 1661An old electronic designer 1662Had designs on a minor named Dinah. 1663 He couldn't carry them out 1664 For his prick was too stout, 1665And too small was the minor's vagina. 1666% 1667An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings 1668Were a terrible trial to his siblings, 1669 But he was not removed 1670 Till one day it was proved 1671That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. 1672 -- Edward Gorey 1673% 1674An old maid who had a pet ape 1675Lived in fear of perpetual rape. 1676 His red, hairy phallus 1677 So filled her with malice 1678That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. 1679% 1680An old man at the Folies Bergere 1681Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: 1682 It snipped off a twat-curl 1683 From each new chorus girl, 1684And he had a wig made of the hair. 1685% 1686An organist playing in York 1687Had a prick that could hold a small fork, 1688 And between obbligatos 1689 He'd munch at tomatoes, 1690To keep up his strength while at work. 1691% 1692An orgasmic young sex star named Sue 1693Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. 1694 Her climatic fame spread 1695 With an ad blitz that said: 1696Coming soon at a theater near you! 1697% 1698An uptight young lady named Breerley 1699Who valued her morals too dearly 1700 Had sex, so I hear, 1701 Only once every year, 1702And she strained her vagina severely. 1703% 1704And earnest young woman in Thrace 1705Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" 1706 So he gave her a thwack, 1707 And did on her back, 1708What he couldn't have done face to face. 1709% 1710And then there's the story that's fraught 1711With disaster -- of balls that got caught, 1712 When a chap took a crap 1713 In the woods, and a trap 1714Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! 1715% 1716As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops 1717Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. 1718 Since he thinks it's effete 1719 To be beating his meat, 1720What he's into is licking his chops. 1721% 1722As he came in his chubby choirboy, 1723Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! 1724 If no sodomy levens 1725 And possible heavens, 1726Existence will merely annoy." 1727% 1728As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, 1729Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! 1730 I could not bear the loss, 1731 For with scarlet silk floss 1732My mama has embroidered their clocks." 1733 -- Edward Gorey 1734% 1735As tourists inspected the apse 1736An ominous series of raps 1737 Came from under the altar, 1738 Which caused some to falter 1739And others to shriek and collapse. 1740 -- Edward Gorey 1741% 1742Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, 1743"Do I sin if I do what I want, if 1744 I screw a young nun 1745 In the eastertide sun?" 1746His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." 1747% 1748At a contest for farting in Butte 1749One lady's exertion was cute : 1750 It won the diploma 1751 For fetid aroma, 1752And three judges were felled by the brute. 1753% 1754At a dance, a girl from Connecticut 1755Showed an absolute absence of etiquette 1756 Letting all comers press 1757 Through the skirt of her dress 1758And wiping the mess with her petticoat. 1759% 1760At the end of all civilization 1761Is the planet Terminus's location. 1762 There's a girl there whose feat, 1763 Without stone or concrete, 1764Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. 1765% 1766At the moment Japan declared war 1767A sailor was fucking a whore. 1768 He said, "After this poke 1769 `Long and hard' ain't no joke; 1770This means months 'til I get back ashore." 1771% 1772At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers 1773Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; 1774 It beats all night long 1775 A dirge on a gong 1776As it staggers about in the creepers. 1777 -- Edward Gorey 1778% 1779At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, 1780Though of love we are never penurious. 1781 Thanks to vulcanized aids, 1782 Though we may die old maids, 1783At least we shall never die curious. 1784% 1785At whist drives and strawberry teas 1786Fan would giggle and show off her knees; 1787 But when she was alone 1788 She'd drink eau de cologne, 1789And weep from a sense of unease. 1790 -- Edward Gorey 1791% 1792Augustus, for slpashing his soup, 1793Was put for the night on the stoop; 1794 In the morning he'd not 1795 Repented a jot, 1796And next day he was dead of the croup. 1797 -- Edward Gorey 1798% 1799Augustus, for splashing his soup, 1800Was put for the night on the stoop; 1801 In the morning he'd not 1802 Repented a jot, 1803And next day he was dead of the croup. 1804 -- Edward Gorey 1805% 1806Back in the days of old Adam 1807The grass served as mattress for madam, 1808 And they spent the whole day 1809 On the sex that today 1810They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. 1811% 1812Each Friday his engines abort, 1813But Scotty is never caught short. 1814 He fills his machines 1815 With space-navy beans, 1816And farts the ship back into port. 1817% 1818Each night Father fills me with dread 1819When he sits on the foot of my bed; 1820 I'd not mind that he speaks 1821 In gibbers and squeaks, 1822But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1823 -- Edward Gorey 1824% 1825Each night Father fills me with dread 1826When he sits on the foot ofmy bed; 1827 I'd not mind that he speaks 1828 In gibbers and squeaks, 1829But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1830 -- Edward Gorey 1831% 1832From deep in the crypt at St. Giles 1833Came a bellow that echoed for miles. 1834 Said the rector, "My gracious, 1835 Has Father Ignatius 1836Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" 1837% 1838From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, 1839There is really abominable news; 1840 They've discovered a head 1841 In the box for the bread, 1842But nobody seems to know whose. 1843 -- Edward Gorey 1844% 1845From the bathing machine came a din 1846As of jollification within; 1847 It was heard far and wide, 1848 And the incoming tide 1849Had a definite flavour of gin. 1850 -- Edward Gorey 1851% 1852"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" 1853Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. 1854 "Since dating Miss Baugh, 1855 My whole tongue has been raw-- 1856It must have been something I ate." 1857% 1858In the case of a lady named Frost, 1859Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, 1860 It's the best part of valor 1861 To bugger the gal, or 1862You're apt to fall in and get lost. 1863% 1864In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, 1865Complacently stroking his madam, 1866 And loud was his mirth 1867 For on all of the earth 1868There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. 1869% 1870In the garden of Eden lay Adam, 1871Complacently stroking his madam 1872 And loud was his mirth 1873 For on all of the earth 1874There were only two balls and he had'em. 1875% 1876In the little French town of Le'Beau, 1877Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. 1878 At a masquerade ball, 1879 Clad in nothing at all, 1880She backed in as a Parker house roll. 1881% 1882It always delights me at Hank's 1883To walk up the old river banks. 1884 One time in the grass 1885 I stepped on an ass, 1886And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." 1887% 1888It had snowed, and the man in the drift, 1889Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" 1890 They sat in her Bentley, 1891 She fondled him gently, 1892And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! 1893% 1894The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- 1895No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. 1896 Where ten thousand virgins 1897 Succumbed to his urgin's 1898There now stands the great State of Utah. 1899% 1900The latest reports from Good Hope 1901State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, 1902 And fuck high, wide, and free, 1903 From the top of one tree 1904To the top of the next -- what a scope! 1905% 1906The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, 1907Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. 1908 Once Congress in session, 1909 Declared its suppression, 1910But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. 1911% 1912The limerick is furtive and mean; 1913You must keep her in close quarantine, 1914 Or she sneaks to the slums 1915 And promptly becomes 1916Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1917 -- Morris Bishop 1918% 1919The limerick is furtive and mean; 1920You must keep her in close quarantine, 1921 Or she sneaks to the slums 1922 And promptly becomes 1923Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1924 -- Morris Bishop 1925% 1926The old archeologist, Throstle, 1927Discovered a marvelous fossil. 1928 He knew from its bend 1929 And the knot on the end, 1930T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 1931% 1932There a young man from the Coast 1933Who had an affair with a ghost. 1934 At the height of orgasm 1935 Said the pallid phantasm, 1936"I think I can feel it -- almost!" 1937% 1938There once was a bishop from Birmingham 1939Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. 1940 As they knelt on the hassock 1941 He lifted his cassock 1942And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. 1943% 1944There once was a boy named Carruthers 1945Who was busily fucking his mother 1946 "I know it's a sin," 1947 He said, shoving it in, 1948"But it's better than blowing my brother." 1949% 1950There once was a chick named Longet, 1951Who went out to Aspen to play. 1952 Along came a Spyder, 1953 Who sat down beside her 1954And she blew the poor bastard away. 1955% 1956There once was a clergyman's daughter 1957Who detested the pony he bought her, 1958 Till she found that its dong 1959 Was as hard and as long 1960As the prayers her father had taught her. 1961 1962She married a fellow named Tony 1963Who soon found her fucking the pony. 1964 Said he, "What's it got, 1965 My dear, that I've not?" 1966Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." 1967% 1968There once was a couple named Kelley, 1969Who lived their life belly to belly. 1970 Because in their haste 1971 They used library paste, 1972Instead of petroleum jelly. 1973% 1974There once was a couple named Kelly 1975Who walked around belly-to-belly. 1976 It seems in their haste, 1977 They used Carter's paste 1978Instead of petroleum jelly. 1979% 1980There once was a dentist named Stone 1981Who saw all his patients alone. 1982 In a fit of depravity 1983 He filled the wrong cavity, 1984And my, how his practice has grown! 1985% 1986There once was a Duchess of Beever 1987Who slept with her golden retriever. 1988 Said the potted old Duke : 1989 "Such tricks make me puke! 1990Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." 1991% 1992There once was a Duchess of Bruges 1993Whose cunt was incredibly huge. 1994 Said the king to this dame 1995 As he thunderously came: 1996"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" 1997% 1998There once was a fag of Khartoom 1999Who spent the night in a Lesbians room. 2000 They argued all night, 2001 Over who had the right, 2002To do what, and with which, and to whom. 2003% 2004There once was a fairy named Avers 2005Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. 2006 Though buggers all claimed 2007 That their asses were maimed, 2008Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. 2009% 2010There once was a fellow named Bob 2011Who in sexual ways was a snob. 2012 One day he was swimmin' 2013 With twelve naked women 2014And deserted them all for a gob. 2015% 2016There once was a fellow named Brewster 2017Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, 2018 "It used to be grand 2019 But look at my hand 2020You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." 2021% 2022There once was a fellow named Howard, 2023Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, 2024 While grabbing some ass, 2025 He reached critical mass, 2026But think of the girl he deflowered! 2027% 2028There once was a fellow named Potts 2029Who was prone to having the trots 2030 But his humble abode 2031 Was without a commode 2032So his carpet was covered with spots. 2033% 2034There once was a fellow named Siegel 2035Who attempted to bugger a beagle, 2036 But the mettlesome bitch 2037 Turned and said with a twitch, 2038"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." 2039% 2040There once was a fellow named Sweeney 2041Who spilled gin all over his weenie. 2042 Not being uncouth, 2043 He added vermouth 2044And slipped his amour a martini. 2045% 2046There once was a fencer named Fisk, 2047Whose speed was incredibly brisk. 2048 So fast was his action, 2049 The Fitzgerald contraction, 2050Foreshortended his foil to a disk. 2051% 2052There once was a fiesty young terrier 2053Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 2054 He'd yip and he'd yap, 2055 Then leap up and snap; 2056And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 2057% 2058There once was a floozie named Annie 2059Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: 2060 A buck for a fuck, 2061 Fifty cents for a suck, 2062And a dime for a feel of her fanny. 2063% 2064There once was a freshman named Lin, 2065Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 2066 A virgin named Joan 2067 From a bible belt home, 2068Said "This won't be much of a sin." 2069% 2070There once was a gangster named Brown 2071- the sneakiest bastard in town. 2072 He was caught by G-men 2073 Shooting his semen 2074Where the cops would slip and fall down. 2075% 2076There once was a gaucho named Bruno, 2077Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, 2078 Sheep are just fine, 2079 Chickens, divine, 2080But iguanas are Numero Uno." 2081% 2082There once was a gay young Parisian 2083Who screwed an appendix incision, 2084 And the girl of his choice 2085 Could hardly rejoice 2086At the horrible lack of precision. 2087% 2088There once was a girl from Cornell 2089Whose teats were shaped like a bell. 2090 When you touched them they shrunk, 2091 Except when she was drunk, 2092And then they got bigger than hell. 2093% 2094There once was a girl from Decatur, 2095Who got laid by a big alligator. 2096 Now nobody knew 2097 The result of that screw, 2098'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. 2099% 2100There once was a girl from Madras 2101Who had such a beautiful ass - 2102 It was not round and pink 2103 ( as you bastards think ) 2104But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2105% 2106There once was a girl from Madras 2107Who had such a beautiful ass - 2108 It was not round and pink 2109 (As you bastards think) 2110But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2111% 2112There once was a girl from Spokane, 2113Went to bed with a one-legged man. 2114 She said, "I know you-- 2115 You've really got two! 2116Why didn't you say so when we began?" 2117% 2118There once was a girl named Irene 2119Who lived on distilled kerosene 2120 But she started absorbin' 2121 A new hydrocarbon 2122And since then has never benzene. 2123% 2124There once was a girl named Louise 2125Who cunt hair hung down to her knees 2126 The crabs in her twat 2127 Tied the hairs in a knot 2128And constructed a flying trapeze 2129% 2130There once was a girl named Mcgoffin 2131Who was diddled amazingly often. 2132 She was rogered by scores 2133 Who'd been turned down by whores, 2134And was finally screwed in her coffin. 2135% 2136There once was a girl named Priscilla 2137Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. 2138 The taste was so fine 2139 Man and beast stood in line 2140(Including a stud armadilla). 2141% 2142There once was a girl so lovely, 2143Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, 2144 She strapped on her tanks, 2145 And started her pranks, 2146But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. 2147% 2148There once was a golfer named Leer, 2149Who got put in the clink for a year, 2150 For an action obscene, 2151 On the very first green. 2152Where the sign said "Enter course here." 2153% 2154There once was a gouty old colonel 2155Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, 2156 And he cried in his tiffin 2157 For his prick wouldn't stiffen, 2158And the size of the thing was infernal. 2159% 2160There once was a guardsman from Buckingham 2161Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. 2162 But when I meet boys, 2163 God! how I enjoys 2164Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." 2165% 2166There once was a hacker named Ken 2167Who inherited truckloads of Yen. 2168 So he built him some chicks, 2169 Of silicon chips, 2170And hasn't been heard from since then. 2171% 2172There once was a handsome young seaman 2173Who with ladies was really a demon. 2174 In peace or in war, 2175 At sea or on shore, 2176He could certainly dish out the semen. 2177% 2178There once was a horny old bitch 2179With a motorized self-frigger which 2180 She would use with delight 2181 All day long and all night - 2182Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. 2183% 2184There once was a horse named Lily 2185Whose dingus was really a dilly. 2186 It was vaginoid duply, 2187 And labial quadruply -- 2188In fact, he was really a filly. 2189% 2190There once was a husky young Viking 2191Whose sexual prowess was striking. 2192 Every time he got hot 2193 He would scour the twat 2194Of some girl that might be to his liking. 2195% 2196There once was a jolly old bloke 2197Who picked up a girl for a poke. 2198 He took down her pants, 2199 Fucked her into a trance, 2200And then shit into her shoe for a joke. 2201% 2202There once was a kiddie named Carr 2203Caught a man on top of his mar. 2204 As he saw him stick 'er, 2205 He said with a snicker, 2206"You do it much faster than par." 2207% 2208There once was a lady from Exeter, 2209So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 2210 One was even so brave 2211 As to take out and wave 2212The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 2213% 2214There once was a lady from Kansas 2215Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. 2216 It was nine inches deep 2217 And the sides were quite steep -- 2218It had whiskers like General Carranza's. 2219% 2220There once was a lady named Carter, 2221Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. 2222 She stripped off his pants, 2223 At his prick quickly glanced, 2224And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" 2225% 2226There once was a lady named Clair, 2227Who posessed a magnificent pair. 2228 Or that's what I thought, 2229 Till I saw one get caught, 2230On a thorn and begin losing air. 2231% 2232There once was a lady named Myrtle 2233Who had an affair with a turtle. 2234 She had crabs, so they say, 2235 In a year and a day 2236Which proved that that turtle was fertile. 2237% 2238There once was a lawyer named Rex 2239With minuscule organs of sex. 2240 Arraigned for exposure, 2241 He maintained with composure, 2242"De minimis non curat lex." 2243 2244 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] 2245% 2246There once was a lifeguard named Lee 2247Who rescued a girl from the sea 2248 She asked how to pay, 2249 And he said "Try this way, 2250Go down for the third time on me." 2251% 2252There once was a maid from Mobile 2253Whose cunt was made of blue steel. 2254 She only got thrills 2255 From pneumatic drills 2256And an off-centered emery wheel. 2257% 2258There once was a man from Bombay 2259He would do it all night and all day 2260 He soon became sore 2261 You shoulda' heard him roar 2262When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! 2263% 2264There once was a man from Calcutta 2265Who used to beat off in the gutta 2266 The heat of the sun 2267 Affected his gun 2268And turned all his cream into butta! 2269% 2270There once was a man from Dunoon, 2271Who always ate soup with a fork. 2272 He said "When I eat 2273 Either fish, foul or flesh, 2274I otherwise finish too quick." 2275% 2276There once was a man from Exameter 2277Who had a prodigious diameter 2278 But it wasn't the size 2279 That brought forth the cries 2280'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. 2281% 2282There once was a man from Madras, 2283Whose balls were made out of brass. 2284 When they clanged together, 2285 They played "Stormy Weather", 2286And lightning shot out of his ass. 2287% 2288There once was a man from Nantee 2289Who buggered an ape in a tree. 2290 The results were most horrid 2291 All ass and no forehead 2292Three balls and a purple goatee. 2293% 2294There once was a man from Nantucket 2295Who kept all his cash in a bucket. 2296 His daughter, named Nan, 2297 Ran away with a man, 2298And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 2299 2300The pair of them went to Manhasset, 2301(Nan and the man with the asset.) 2302 Pa followed them there, 2303 But they left in a tear, 2304And as for the asset, Manhasset. 2305 2306Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, 2307(Nan and the man with the bucket.) 2308 Pa said to the man, 2309 "You're welcome to Nan." 2310But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. 2311% 2312There once was a man from Nantucket, 2313Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 2314 He said with a grin, 2315 As he wiped off his chin, 2316If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! 2317% 2318There once was a man from Nantucket 2319Whose dick was so long he could suck it. 2320 He said with a grin 2321 As he wiped off his chin, 2322"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 2323% 2324There once was a man from Racine, 2325Who invented a screwing machine. 2326 Both concave and convex, 2327 It could please either sex, 2328But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 2329% 2330There once was a man from Sandem 2331Who was making his girl on a tandem. 2332 At the peak of the make 2333 She jammed on the brake 2334And scattered his semen at random. 2335% 2336There once was a man from Sydney 2337Who could put it up to her kidney. 2338 But the man from Quebec 2339 Put it up to her neck; 2340He had a big one, now didn't he? 2341% 2342There once was a man named Lodge, 2343who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2344 When his date was strapped in, 2345 He committed a sin, 2346without ever leaving the garage. 2347% 2348There once was a man named McGruder, 2349Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. 2350 But the girl thought it crude, 2351 To be wooed in the nude, 2352So McGru took an oar and subduder. 2353% 2354There once was a man named McSweeny 2355Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney 2356 So just to be couth 2357 He added vermouth 2358And slipped his best girl a martini. 2359% 2360There once was a man named McSweeny 2361Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. 2362 Just to be couth, 2363 He added vermouth, 2364And slipped his girlfriend a martini. 2365% 2366There once was a man named Parridge 2367With peculiar views on marriage. 2368 He sucked off his brother, 2369 Fucked his own mother, 2370And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. 2371% 2372There once was a man with a hernia 2373Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, 2374 When you work on my middle 2375 Be sure you don't fiddle 2376With things that do not concern ya." 2377% 2378There once was a member of Mensa 2379Who was a most excellent fencer. 2380 The sword that he used 2381 Was his -- (line is refused, 2382And has now been removed by the censor). 2383% 2384There once was a miner named Dave, 2385Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 2386 She was ugly as shit, 2387 And missing one tit, 2388But think of the money he saves. 2389% 2390There once was a monk of Camyre 2391Who was seized with a carnal desire 2392 And the primary cause 2393 Was the abbess's drawers 2394Which were hung up to dry by the fire. 2395% 2396There once was a newspaper vendor, 2397A person of dubious gender. 2398 He would charge one-and-two 2399 For permission to view 2400His remarkable double pudenda. 2401% 2402There once was a plumber from Leigh 2403Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. 2404 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 2405 I think someone's coming!" 2406Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." 2407% 2408There once was a pretty young Mrs. 2409Whose tearful but short story thrs. 2410 Her mind lost its grasp - 2411 Now she thinks she's an asp 2412And just sits in the corner and hrs. 2413% 2414There once was a queen of Bulgaria 2415Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 2416 Till a prince from Peru 2417 Who came up for a screw 2418Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 2419% 2420There once was a reverend at Kings 2421Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. 2422 But his heart was on fire 2423 For a boy in the choir 2424Whose buns were like jelly on springs. 2425% 2426There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel 2427Who said, "They can all go to hell! 2428 What they do to my wife -- 2429 Why it ruins my life; 2430And the worst is they all do it well." 2431% 2432There once was a sailor named Gasted, 2433A swell guy, as long as he lasted, 2434 He could jerk himself off 2435 In a basket, aloft, 2436Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. 2437% 2438There once was a Scot named McAmeter 2439With a tool of prodigious diameter. 2440 It was not the size 2441 That cause such surprise; 2442'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 2443% 2444There once was a son-of-a-bitch, 2445Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, 2446 Yet the girls he would dazzle, 2447 And fuck to a frazzle, 2448And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! 2449% 2450There once was a spaceman named Spock 2451Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. 2452 A girl from Missouri 2453 Whose name was Uhura 2454Just fainted away from the shock. 2455% 2456There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, 2457Discovered his sex life was hapless: 2458 The more he would screw 2459 The more he'd want to, 2460And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. 2461% 2462There once was a Usenetter named Mark, 2463Whose gender was kept in the dark. 2464 He/she/it said with a nod, 2465 "My ancestors were odd!" 2466Did Noah need two for the ark? 2467% 2468There once was a whore from Regina 2469Who had a stupendous vagina. 2470 To save herself time, 2471 She had six at a time, 2472And another one working behind her. 2473% 2474There once was a woman from Arden 2475Who sucked off a man in a garden. 2476 He said, "My dear Flo, 2477 Where does all that stuff go?" 2478And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" 2479% 2480There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield 2481Engaged to look after the deacon's field, 2482 But he lurked in the ditches 2483 And diddled the bitches 2484Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. 2485% 2486There once was a young fellow named Blaine, 2487And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2488 She was ugly and smelly, 2489 With an awful pot-belly, 2490But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2491% 2492There once was a young girl from Natches 2493Who chanced to be born with two snatches 2494 She often said, "Shit! 2495 I'd give either tit 2496For a guy with equipment that matches." 2497% 2498There once was a young man from Boston 2499Who drove around town in an Austin, 2500 There was room for his ass, 2501 And a gallon of gas, 2502So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. 2503% 2504There once was a young man from France 2505Who waited ten years for his chance; 2506Then he muffed it... 2507% 2508There once was a young man from Yuma 2509Who attempted sex with a puma 2510 He gave up real quick 2511 Minus nose, toes, and prick 2512In obvious pain and ill huma. 2513% 2514There once was a young man from Yuma, 2515Who told an elephant joke to a puma. 2516 Now his dry bleached bones lie, 2517 Under hot Asian skies, 2518'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. 2519% 2520There once was a young man named Clyde 2521Who fell in an outhouse, and died. 2522 He had a twin brother 2523 Who fell in another 2524And now they're interred side by side. 2525% 2526There once was a young man named Gene, 2527Who invented a screwing machine. 2528 Concave and convex, 2529 It served either sex, 2530And it played with itself inbetween. 2531% 2532There once was a young man named Lancelot 2533Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot 2534 For when he should pass 2535 A desirable lass 2536The front of his pants would advance a lot. 2537% 2538There once was an Arpanet freak, 2539Who better response-time did seek. 2540 He searched coast to coast, 2541 For a reliable host, 2542Whose logger took less than a week. 2543% 2544There once was an old man from Esser, 2545Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 2546 It at last grew so small, 2547 He knew nothing at all, 2548And now he's a College Professor. 2549% 2550There once were two brothers named Luntz 2551Who buggered each other at once. 2552 When asked to account 2553 For this intricate mount, 2554They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." 2555% 2556There once were two women from Birmingham. 2557And this is the story concerning 'em. 2558 They lifted the frock 2559 And fondled the cock 2560Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. 2561% 2562There was a bluestocking in Florence 2563Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 2564 Till a Spanish grandee, 2565 Got her off with his knee, 2566And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 2567% 2568There was a family named Doe, 2569An ideal family to know. 2570 As father screwed mother, 2571 She said, "You're heavier than brother." 2572And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" 2573% 2574There was a fat lady of China 2575Who'd a really enormous vagina, 2576 And when she was dead 2577 They painted it red, 2578And used it for docking a liner. 2579% 2580There was a fat man from Rangoon 2581Whose prick was much like a ballon. 2582 He tried hard to ride her 2583 And when finally inside her 2584She thought she was pregnant too soon. 2585% 2586There was a gay countess of Bray, 2587And you may think it odd when I say, 2588 That in spite of high station, 2589 Rank and education, 2590She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2591% 2592There was a gay countess of Bray, 2593And you may think it odd when I say, 2594 That in spite of high station, 2595 Rank and education, 2596She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2597% 2598There was a gay dog from Ontario 2599Who fancied himself a Lothario. 2600 At a wench's glance 2601 He'd snatch off his pants 2602And make for her Mons Venerio. 2603% 2604There was a gay parson of Norton 2605Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. 2606 To make up for this loss, 2607 He had balls like a horse, 2608And never spent less than a quartern. 2609% 2610There was a gay parson of Tooting 2611Whose roe he was frequently shooting, 2612 Till he married a lass 2613 With a face like my arse, 2614And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. 2615% 2616There was a girl from Aberystwyth 2617Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. 2618 The miller's son Jack 2619 Laid her flat on her back 2620And united the organs they pissed with. 2621% 2622There was a lewd fellow named Duff 2623Who loved to dive deep in the muff. 2624 With his head in a whirl 2625 He said, "Spread it, Pearl; 2626I cunt get enough of the stuff!" 2627% 2628There was a man from Mich. 2629Who used to wish and wich. 2630 That spring would come 2631 So he could bum 2632Around and go out fich. 2633% 2634There was a pianist named Liszt 2635Who played with one hand while he pissed, 2636 But as he grew older 2637 His technique grew bolder, 2638And in concert jacked off with his fist. 2639% 2640There was a poor parson from Goring, 2641Who made a small hole in his flooring, 2642 Fur-lined it all round, 2643 Then laid on the ground, 2644And declared it was cheaper than whoring. 2645% 2646There was a strong man of Drumrig 2647Who one day did seven times frig. 2648 He buggered three sailors, 2649 Four dogs and two tailors, 2650And ended by fucking a pig. 2651% 2652There was a teenager named Donna 2653Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." 2654 Two days out of three 2655 She would shoot LSD, 2656And on weekends she smoked marijuana. 2657% 2658There was a young belle of old Natchez 2659Whose garments were always in patchez. 2660 When comment arose 2661 On the state of her clothes 2662She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." 2663% 2664There was a young blade from South Greece 2665Whose bush did so greatly increase 2666 That before he could shack 2667 He must hunt needle in stack. 2668'Twas as bad as being obese. 2669% 2670There was a young bride, a Canuck, 2671Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. 2672 You say that I, maybe, 2673 Can have my first baby-- 2674Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" 2675% 2676There was a young bride of Antigua 2677Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" 2678 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! 2679 Why, you've only felt my twot, 2680My legs and my arse and my figua!" 2681% 2682There was a young chap in Arabia 2683Who courted a widow named Fabia. 2684 "Yes, my tongue is as long 2685 As the average man's dong," 2686He said, licking the lips of her labia. 2687% 2688There was a young cook with the art 2689Of making a delicious tart 2690 With a handful of shit, 2691 Some snot and some spit, 2692And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. 2693% 2694There was a young curate whose brain 2695Was deranged from the use of cocaine; 2696 He lured a small child 2697 To a copse dark and wild, 2698Where he beat it to death with his cane. 2699 -- Edward Gorey 2700% 2701There was a young damsel named Baker 2702Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. 2703 He yelled, "My God! what 2704 Do you call this -- a twat? 2705Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" 2706% 2707There was a young dolly named Molly 2708Who thought that to frig was a folly. 2709 Said she, "Your pee-pee 2710 Means nothing to me, 2711But I'll do it just to be jolly." 2712% 2713There was a young fellow called Clyde 2714Who fell in an outhouse and died. 2715 He had a twin brother 2716 Who fell in another 2717So now they're interred side by side. 2718% 2719There was a young fellow from Cal., 2720In bed with a passionate gal. 2721 He leapt from the bed, 2722 To the toilet he sped; 2723Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" 2724% 2725There was a young fellow from Florida 2726Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. 2727 When they got into bed 2728 He cried, "God strike me dead! 2729This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" 2730% 2731There was a young fellow from Kent 2732Whose cock was so long that it bent 2733 To save himself trouble 2734 He put it in double 2735And instead of coming, he went. 2736% 2737There was a young fellow from Leeds 2738Who swallowed a package of seeds. 2739 Great tufts of grass 2740 Sprouted out of his ass 2741And his balls were all covered with weeds. 2742% 2743There was a young fellow from Parma 2744Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. 2745 Said the damsel demure, 2746 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, 2747But I must say you fuck like a farmer." 2748% 2749There was a young fellow name Tucker 2750Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, 2751 Said, "Don't bow out your lips 2752 Like an elephant's hips, 2753The boys like it best when they pucker." 2754% 2755There was a young fellow named Ades 2756Whose favorite fruit was young maids. 2757 But sheep, nigger boys, whores, 2758 And the knot holes in doors 2759Were by no means exempt from his raids. 2760% 2761There was a young fellow named Babbitt 2762Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, 2763 But a girl from Johore 2764 Could do it twice more, 2765Which was just enough extra to crab it. 2766% 2767There was a young fellow named Bill, 2768Who took an atomic pill, 2769 His navel corroded, 2770 His asshole exploded, 2771And they found his nuts in Brazil. 2772% 2773There was a young fellow named Blaine, 2774And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2775 She was ugly and smelly 2776 With an awful pot-belly, 2777But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2778% 2779There was a young fellow named Bliss 2780Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 2781 For even with Venus 2782 His recalcitrant penis 2783Would never do better than t 2784 h 2785 i 2786 s 2787 . 2788% 2789There was a young fellow named Bowen 2790Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. 2791 It grew so tremendous, 2792 So long and so pendulous, 2793'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. 2794% 2795There was a young fellow named Brewer 2796Whose girl made her home in a sewer. 2797 Thus he, the poor soul, 2798 Could get into her hole, 2799And still not be able to screw her! 2800% 2801There was a young fellow named Case 2802Who entered a cunt-lapping race. 2803 He licked his way clean 2804 Through Number thirteen, 2805But then slipped and got pissed in the face. 2806% 2807There was a young fellow named Charteris 2808Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. 2809 Said she, "I don't mind, 2810 And higher up you'll find 2811The place where my fucker and farter is." 2812% 2813There was a young fellow named Cribbs 2814Whose cock was so big it had ribs. 2815 They were inches apart, 2816 And to suck it took art, 2817While to fuck it took forty-two trips. 2818% 2819There was a young fellow named dick 2820Who had a magnificent prick. 2821 It was shaped like a prism 2822 And shot so much gism 2823It made every cocksucker sick. 2824% 2825There was a young fellow named Feeney 2826Whose girl was a terrible meany. 2827 The hatch of her snatch 2828 Had a catch that would latch 2829- She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2830% 2831There was a young fellow named Fletcher, 2832Was reputed an infamous lecher. 2833 When he'd take on a whore 2834 She'd need a rebore, 2835And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. 2836% 2837There was a young fellow named Fyfe 2838Whose marriage was ruined for life, 2839 For he had an aversion 2840 To every perversion, 2841And only liked fucking his wife. 2842 2843Well, one year the poor woman struck, 2844And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, 2845 And said, "Where have you gotten us 2846 With your goddamn monotonous 2847Fuck after fuck after fuck? 2848 2849"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- 2850And a versatile girl she was, too. 2851 After ten years of whoredom 2852 She perished of boredom 2853When she married a jackass like you!" 2854% 2855There was a young fellow named Gene 2856Who first picked his asshole quite clean. 2857 He next picked his toes, 2858 And lastly his nose, 2859And he never did wash in between. 2860% 2861There was a young fellow named Gluck 2862Who found himself shit out of luck. 2863 Though he petted and wooed, 2864 When he tried to get screwed 2865He found virgins just don't give a fuck. 2866% 2867There was a young fellow named Goody 2868Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? 2869 If he found himself nude 2870 With a gal in the mood 2871The question's not woody but could he? 2872% 2873There was a young fellow named Grant 2874Who was made like the sensitive plant. 2875 When they asked "Do you fuck?" 2876 He replied, "No such luck. 2877I would if I could, but I can't." 2878% 2879There was a young fellow named Grimes 2880Who fucked his girl seventeen times 2881 In the course of a week -- 2882 And this isn't to speak 2883Of assorted venereal crimes. 2884% 2885There was a young fellow named Harry, 2886Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. 2887 He grabbed him a virgin, 2888 Who, without any urgin', 2889Immediately spread like a fairy. 2890% 2891There was a young fellow named Hatch 2892Who was fond of the music of Bach. 2893 He said: "It's not fussy 2894 Like Brahms and Debussy; 2895Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." 2896% 2897There was a young fellow named Kimble 2898Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, 2899 But fragile and slender, 2900 And dainty and tender, 2901So he kept it encased in a thimble. 2902% 2903There was a young fellow named Meek 2904Who invented a lingual technique. 2905 It drove women frantic, 2906 And made them romantic, 2907And wore all the hair off his cheek. 2908% 2909There was a young fellow named Morgan 2910Who possessed an unusual organ: 2911 The end of his dong, 2912 Which was nine inches long, 2913Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. 2914% 2915There was a young fellow named Paul 2916Who confessed, "I have only one ball. 2917 But the size of my prick 2918 Is God's dirtiest trick, 2919For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" 2920% 2921There was a young fellow named Pell 2922Who didn't like cunt very well. 2923 He would finger or fuck one, 2924 But never would suck one-- 2925He just couldn't get used to the smell. 2926% 2927There was a young fellow named Price 2928Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. 2929 He had virgins and boys 2930 And mechanical toys, 2931And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! 2932% 2933There was a young fellow named Prynne 2934Whose prick was so short and so thin, 2935 His wife found she needed 2936 A Fuckoscope -- she did -- 2937To see if he'd gotten it in. 2938% 2939There was a young fellow named Skinner 2940Who took a young lady to dinner 2941 At a quarter to nine, 2942 They sat down to dine, 2943At twenty to ten it was in her. 2944The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. 2945 2946There was a young fellow named Tupper 2947Who took a young lady to supper. 2948 At a quarter to nine, 2949 They sat down to dine, 2950And at twenty to ten it was up her. 2951Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! 2952% 2953There was a young fellow named Sweeney, 2954Whose girl was a terrible meanie, 2955 The hatch of her snatch, 2956 Had a catch that would latch, 2957She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2958% 2959There was a young fellow of Burma 2960Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. 2961 But now that he's married he's 2962 Been using cantharides 2963And the root of their love is much firmer. 2964% 2965There was a young fellow of Greenwich 2966Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 2967 He had such a tool 2968 It was wound on a spool, 2969And he reeled it out inich by inich. 2970 2971But this tale has an unhappy finich, 2972For due to the sand in the spinach 2973 His ballocks grew rough 2974 And wrecked his wife's muff, 2975And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. 2976% 2977There was a young fellow of Harrow 2978Whose john was the size of a marrow. 2979 He said to his tart, 2980 "How's this for a start? 2981My balls are outside in a barrow." 2982% 2983There was a young fellow of Kent 2984Whose prick was so long that it bent, 2985 So to save himself trouble 2986 He put it in double, 2987And instead of coming he went. 2988% 2989There was a young fellow of Mayence 2990Who fucked his own arse in defiance 2991 Not only of custom 2992 And morals, dad-bust him, 2993But of most of the known laws of science. 2994% 2995There was a young fellow of Perth 2996Whose balls were the finest on earth. 2997 They grew to such size 2998 That one won a prize, 2999And goodness knows what they were worth. 3000% 3001There was a young fellow of Strensall 3002Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. 3003 On the night of his wedding 3004 It went through the bedding, 3005And shattered the chamber utensil. 3006% 3007There was a young fellow of Warwick 3008Who had reason for feeling euphoric, 3009 For he could by election 3010 Have triune erection: 3011Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. 3012% 3013There was a young fellow whose dong 3014Was prodigiously massive and long. 3015 On each side of his whang 3016 Two testes did hang 3017That attracted a curious throng. 3018% 3019There was a young gaucho named Bruno 3020Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. 3021 A woman is fine, 3022 And a sheep is divine, 3023But a llama is Numero Uno." 3024% 3025There was a young gaucho named Bruno 3026Who said, "There is one thing I do know, 3027 Women are fine 3028 And children devine, 3029But the llama is numero uno." 3030% 3031There was a young German named Ringer 3032Who was screwing an opera singer. 3033 Said he with a grin, 3034 "Well, I've sure got it in!" 3035Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" 3036% 3037There was a young girl from Annista 3038Who dated a lecherous mister. 3039 He fondled her titty, 3040 Got one finger shitty, 3041Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. 3042% 3043There was a young girl from Decatur 3044Who was raped by an alligator. 3045 But no one quite knew 3046 How she relished that screw, 3047For after he screwed her, he ate her. 3048% 3049There was a young girl from Dundee, 3050From her fanny there grew a plum tree. 3051 No one ate the nice fruit, 3052 To tell you the truth, 3053Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. 3054% 3055There was a young girl from East Lynn 3056Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) 3057 Had filled up her crack 3058 With hard-setting shellac, 3059But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3060% 3061There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3062Who said, "You are utterly wrong 3063 To say my vagina 3064 Is the largest in China 3065Just because of your mean little dong." 3066% 3067There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3068Whose cervical cap was a gong. 3069 She said with a yell, 3070 As a shot rang her bell, 3071"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 3072% 3073There was a young girl from Medina 3074Who could completely control her vagina. 3075 She could twist it around 3076 Like the cunts that are found 3077In Japan, Manchukuo and China. 3078% 3079There was a young girl from New York 3080Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. 3081 A woodpecker or two 3082 Made the grade it is true, 3083But it totally baffled the stork. 3084 3085Till along came a man who presented 3086A tool that was strangely indented. 3087 With a dizzying twirl 3088 He punctured that girl, 3089And thus was the cork-screw invented. 3090% 3091There was a young girl from New York 3092Who plugged up her quim with a cork 3093 A woodpecker or two 3094 Made the grade, it is true, 3095But it totally baffled the stork. 3096% 3097There was a young girl from Peru, 3098Who had nothing whatever to do. 3099 So she sat on the stairs, 3100 And counted cunt hairs, 3101Four thousand, three hundred and two. 3102% 3103There was a young girl from Peru, 3104Who noticed her lovers were few; 3105 So she walked out her door 3106 With a fig leaf, no more, 3107And now she's in bed - with the flu. 3108% 3109There was a young girl from Samoa 3110Who pledged that no man would know her. 3111 One young fellow tried, 3112 But she wriggled aside, 3113And he spilled all his spermatozoa. 3114% 3115There was a young girl from Seattle, 3116Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. 3117 But a bull from the South 3118 Shot a wad in her mouth 3119That made both her ovaries rattle. 3120% 3121There was a young girl from Siam 3122Who said to her boyfriend Priam, 3123 "To seduce me, of course, 3124 You'll have to use force, 3125And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. 3126% 3127There was a young girl from St. Cyr 3128Whose reflex reactions were queer. 3129 Her escort said, "Mable, 3130 Get up off the table; 3131That money's to pay for the beer." 3132% 3133There was a young girl from St. Paul 3134Who went to a newspaper ball. 3135 Her dress caught on fire 3136 And burnt her entire 3137Front page and sport section and all. 3138% 3139There was a young girl from the Bronix 3140Who had a vagina of onyx. 3141 She had so much `tsoris' 3142 With her clitoris, 3143She traded it in for a Packard. 3144% 3145There was a young girl from the coast 3146Who, just when she needed it most, 3147 Lost her Kotex and bled 3148 All over the bed, 3149And the head and the beard of her host. 3150% 3151There was a young girl in Berlin 3152Who eked out a living through sin. 3153 She didn't mind fucking, 3154 But much preferred sucking, 3155And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. 3156% 3157There was a young girl in Berlin 3158Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. 3159 Though he diddled his best, 3160 And fucked her with zest, 3161She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" 3162% 3163There was a young girl in Dakota 3164Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: 3165 "In addition to gas 3166 We are rationing ass, 3167And you've greatly exceeded your quota." 3168% 3169There was a young girl name McKnight 3170Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. 3171 She came to in bed, 3172 With a split maidenhead-- 3173That's the last time she ever was tight. 3174% 3175There was a young girl named Ann Heuser 3176Who swore that no man could surprise her. 3177 But Pabst took a chance, 3178 Found a Schlitz in her pants, 3179And now she is sadder Budweiser. 3180% 3181There was a young girl named Heather 3182Whose twitcher was made out of leather. 3183 She made a queer noise, 3184 Which attracted the boys, 3185By flapping the edges together. 3186% 3187There was a young girl named McCall 3188Whose cunt was exceedingly small, 3189 But the size of her anus 3190 Was something quite heinous -- 3191It could hold seven pricks and one ball. 3192% 3193There was a young girl named O'Clare 3194Whose body was covered with hair. 3195 It was really quite fun 3196 To probe with one's gun, 3197For her quimmy might be anywhere. 3198% 3199There was a young girl named O'Malley 3200Who wanted to dance in the ballet. 3201 She got roars of applause 3202 When she kicked off her drawers, 3203But her hair and her bush didn't tally. 3204% 3205There was a young girl named Saphire 3206Who succumbed to her lovers desire. 3207 She said, "It's a sin, 3208 But now that it's in, 3209Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3210% 3211There was a young girl named Sapphire 3212Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 3213 She said, "It's a sin, 3214 But now that it's in, 3215Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3216% 3217There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3218Who screwed every man that she kissed with. 3219 She tickled the balls 3220 Of the men in the halls, 3221And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. 3222% 3223There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3224Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. 3225 The miller's sun, Jack, 3226 Laid her flat on her back, 3227And united the organs they pissed with. 3228% 3229There was a young girl of Angina 3230Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 3231 From the love-making frock 3232 (With the proper sized cock) 3233Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. 3234% 3235There was a young girl of Asturias 3236With a penchant for practices curious. 3237 She loved to bat rocks 3238 With her gentlemen's cocks -- 3239A practice both rude and injurious. 3240% 3241There was a young girl of Batonger 3242who diddled herself with a conger, 3243 When asked how it feels 3244 To be pleasured by eels 3245She said, "Just like a man, only longer. 3246% 3247There was a young girl of Cah'lina, 3248Had a very capricious vagina: 3249 To the shock of the fucker 3250 "Twould suddenly pucker, 3251And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." 3252% 3253There was a young girl of Cape Cod 3254Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. 3255 But it wasn't Jehovah 3256 That turned the girl over, 3257'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, 3258 the bugger, the bastard, the sod! 3259% 3260There was a young girl of Cape Town 3261Who usually fucked with a clown. 3262 He taught her the trick 3263 Of sucking his prick, 3264And when it went up -- she went down. 3265% 3266There was a young girl of Coxsaxie 3267Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. 3268 She was fucked at the show 3269 In the twenty-third row, 3270And once more going home in the taxi. 3271% 3272There was a young girl of Darjeeling 3273Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 3274 There was never a sound 3275 For miles around 3276Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 3277% 3278There was a young girl of Des Moines 3279Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, 3280 Till a guy from Hoboken 3281 Went and dropped in a token, 3282And now she rides free on the ferry. 3283% 3284There was a young girl of Detroit 3285Who at fucking was very adroit: 3286 She could squeeze her vagina 3287 To a pin-point, or finer, 3288Or open it out like a quoit. 3289 3290And she had a friend named Durand 3291Whose cock could contract or expand. 3292 He could diddle a midge 3293 Or the arch of a bridge -- 3294Their performance together was grand! 3295% 3296There was a young girl of East Lynne 3297Whose mother, to save her from sin, 3298 Had filled up her crack, 3299 To the brim with shellac, 3300But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3301% 3302There was a young girl of Gibraltar 3303Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. 3304 It really seems odd 3305 That a virtuous God 3306Should answer her prayers and assault her. 3307% 3308There was a young girl of LLewellyn 3309Whose breasts were as big as a melon. 3310 They were big it is true, 3311 But her cunt was big too, 3312Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view 3313Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. 3314% 3315There was a young girl of Mobile, 3316Who hymen was made of chilled steel, 3317 To give her a thrill, 3318 Took a rotary drill, 3319Or a number nine emery wheel. 3320% 3321There was a young girl of Moline 3322Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. 3323 She would work on a prick 3324 With every known trick, 3325And finish by winking it clean. 3326% 3327There was a young girl of Newcastle 3328Whose charms were declared universal. 3329 While one man in front 3330 Wired into her cunt, 3331Another was engaged at her arsehole. 3332% 3333There was a young girl of Pawtucket 3334Whose box was as big as a bucket. 3335 Her boy-friend said, "Toots, 3336 I'll have to wear boots, 3337For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." 3338% 3339There was a young girl of Penzance 3340Who boarded a bus in a trance. 3341 The passengers fucked her, 3342 Likewise the conductor, 3343While the driver shot off in his pants. 3344% 3345There was a young girl of Pitlochry 3346Who was had by a man in a rockery. 3347 She said, "Oh! You've come 3348 All over my bum; 3349This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." 3350% 3351There was a young girl of Rangoon 3352Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. 3353 "Well, it has been great fun," 3354 She remarked when he'd done, 3355"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." 3356% 3357There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, 3358Whose people all thought her a virgin, 3359 Till they found her in bed 3360 With her twat very red, 3361And the head of a kid just emergin'. 3362% 3363There was a young girl, very sweet, 3364Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. 3365 When she sat on their lap 3366 She unbuttoned their flap, 3367And always had plenty to eat. 3368% 3369There was a young girl who begat 3370Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. 3371 T'was fun in the breeding 3372 But hell in the feeding 3373When she found there's no tit for Tat. 3374% 3375There was a young girl who begat 3376Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. 3377 It was fun in the breeding, 3378 But hell in the feeding, 3379When she found there was no tit for Tat. 3380% 3381There was a young harlot from Kew 3382Who filled her vagina with glue. 3383 She said with a grin, 3384 "If they pay to get in, 3385They'll pay to get out of it too." 3386% 3387There was a young harlot named Schwartz 3388Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, 3389 And they tickled so nice 3390 She drew a high price 3391From the studs at the summer resorts. 3392 3393Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, 3394Was seldom hard up for a diddle, 3395 For according to rumor 3396 His tool had a tumor 3397And a fine row of warts down the middle. 3398% 3399There was a young hayseed from Tiffan 3400Whose cock would constantly stiffen. 3401 The knob out in front 3402 Attracted foul cunt 3403Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. 3404% 3405There was a young idler named Blood, 3406Made a fortune performing at stud, 3407 With a fifteen-inch peter, 3408 A double-beat metre, 3409And a load like the Biblical Flood. 3410% 3411There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway 3412Whose screams could be heard for a block away. 3413 Perceiving his error, 3414 The Rabbi in terror 3415Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" 3416% 3417There was a young lad - name of Durcan 3418Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3419 His father said, "Durcan 3420 Stop jerkin' your gherkin 3421Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3422% 3423There was a young lad from Nahant 3424Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. 3425 When asked, "Do you fuck?" 3426 He replied, "No such luck. 3427I would if I could but I can't." 3428% 3429There was a young lad from Siam, 3430Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. 3431 He loved them real small, 3432 'Cause they're funner to ball, 3433So he went out and bought him a lamb! 3434% 3435There was a young lad name of Durcan 3436Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3437 His father said, "Durcan! 3438 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 3439Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3440% 3441There was a young lad name of Ward 3442Who strung himself up with a cord 3443 Said he, of his work 3444 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) 3445"I am leaving because I am bored." 3446 - E.A. Guest 3447% 3448There was a young lad named McFee 3449Who was stung in the balls by a bee 3450 He made oodles of money 3451 By oozing pure honey 3452Every time he attempted to pee. 3453% 3454There was a young lady at sea 3455Who complained that it hurt her to pee. 3456 Said the brawny old mate, 3457 "That accounts for the state 3458Of the cook and the captain and me." 3459% 3460There was a young lady at sea 3461Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." 3462 "I see," said the mate, 3463 "That accounts for the state 3464Of the captain, the purser, and me." 3465% 3466There was a young lady called Ciss 3467Who went to the river to piss. 3468 A young man in a punt 3469 Put his hand on her cunt; 3470No wonder she thought it was bliss. 3471% 3472There was a young lady from Bangor 3473Who slept while the ship lay at anchor 3474 She woke in dismay 3475 When she heard the mate say: 3476"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" 3477% 3478There was a young lady from Bright, 3479Whose speed was much faster than light. 3480 She went out one day 3481 In a relative way 3482And returned on the previous night. 3483% 3484There was a young lady from Bristol 3485Who went to the Palace called Crystal. 3486 Said she, "It's all glass, 3487 And as round as my ass," 3488And she farted as loud as a pistol. 3489% 3490There was a young lady from Brussels 3491Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. 3492 She could easily plex them 3493 And so interflex them 3494As to whistle love songs through her bustles. 3495% 3496There was a young lady from Drew 3497Who ended her verse at line two. 3498% 3499There was a young lady from Dumfries 3500Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! 3501 My navel's all bare, 3502 So stick it in there, 3503Before both my legs and my bum freeze." 3504% 3505There was a young lady from Exeter, 3506So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 3507 One was even so brave 3508 As to take out and wave 3509The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 3510% 3511There was a young lady from Hyde 3512Who ate a green apple and died. 3513 While her lover lamented 3514 The apple fermented 3515And made cider inside her inside. 3516% 3517There was a young lady from Maine 3518Who claimed she had men on her brain. 3519 But you knew from the view, 3520 As her abdomen grew, 3521It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 3522% 3523There was a young lady from Munich 3524Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3525 At the height of their passion 3526 He dealt her a ration 3527% 3528There was a young lady from Munich 3529Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3530 At the height of their passion 3531 He dealt her a ration 3532From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. 3533% 3534There was a young lady from Norway 3535Who hung by her heels in a doorway. 3536 She told her young man, 3537 "Get off the divan, 3538I think I've discovered one more way " 3539% 3540There was a young lady from Prentice 3541Who had an affair with a dentist. 3542 To make things easier 3543 He used anesthesia, 3544And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. 3545% 3546There was a young lady from Rheims 3547Who amazingly pissed in four streams. 3548 A friend poked around 3549 And a fly-button found 3550Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. 3551% 3552There was a young lady from Rio 3553Who slept with the Fornier trio. 3554 As she dropped her panties 3555 She said, "No andanties 3556I want this allegro con brio." 3557% 3558There was a young lady from Siam 3559Who said to her lover, one Kiam, 3560 "You may kiss me of course, 3561 But you'll have to use force. 3562Though god knows you're stronger than I am." 3563% 3564There was a young lady from Spain 3565Who demurely undressed on a train. 3566 A helpful young porter 3567 Helped more than he orter, 3568And she promptly cried "Help me again" 3569% 3570There was a young lady from Spain 3571Who got sick as she rode on a train; 3572 Not once, but again, 3573 And again, and again, 3574And again, and again, and again. 3575% 3576There was a young lady from Spain 3577Whose face was exceedingly plain, 3578 But her cunt had a pucker 3579 That made the men fuck her, 3580Again, and again, and again. 3581% 3582There was a young lady from Troy 3583Had a moustache, just like a young boy 3584 Though it tickled to kiss 3585 'Twas a source of much bliss 3586When she used it to brush a man's toy. 3587% 3588There was a young lady from Wheeling 3589Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. 3590 But a cynic named Boris 3591 Just touched her clitoris 3592And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3593% 3594There was a young lady from Wheeling 3595Who had a peculiar feeling. 3596 She laid on her back 3597 And tickled her crack 3598And pissed all over the ceiling. 3599% 3600There was a young lady from Wooster 3601Who complained that too many men gooster. 3602 So she traded her scanties 3603 For sandpaper panties, 3604Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. 3605% 3606There was a young lady in Reno, 3607Who lost all her dough playing Keno. 3608 But she lay on her back, 3609 And opened her crack, 3610So now she owns the Casino! 3611% 3612There was a young lady named Alice 3613Who was known to have peed in a chalice. 3614 'Twas the common belief 3615 It was done for relief, 3616And not out of protestant malice. 3617% 3618There was a young lady named Astor 3619Who never let any get past her. 3620 She finally got plenty 3621 By stopping twenty, 3622Which certainly ought to last her. 3623% 3624There was a young lady named Banker, 3625Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, 3626 She woke in dismay, 3627 When she heard the mate say, 3628"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." 3629% 3630There was a young lady named Blount 3631Who had a rectangular cunt. 3632 She learned for diversion 3633 Posterior perversion, 3634Since no one could fit here in front. 3635% 3636There was a young lady named Bower 3637Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. 3638 But a poet from Perth 3639 Laid her flat on the earth, 3640And proceeded with penis to plough her. 3641% 3642There was a young lady named Brent 3643With a cunt of enormous extent, 3644 And so deep and so wide, 3645 The acoustics inside 3646Were so good you could hear when you spent. 3647% 3648There was a young lady named Bright 3649Who could travel much faster than light. 3650 She took off one day, 3651 In a relative way, 3652And returned on the previous night. 3653% 3654There was a young lady named Brook 3655Who never could learn how to cook. 3656 But on a divan 3657 She could please any man- 3658She knew every darn trick in the book! 3659% 3660There was a young lady named Cager 3661Who, as the result of a wager, 3662 Consented to fart 3663 The entire oboe part 3664Of Mozart's quartet in F major. 3665% 3666There was a young lady named Ciss 3667Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " 3668 But she'll never restate, 3669 For a wheel off her skate 3670.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM 3671% 3672There was a young lady named Clair 3673Who possessed a magnificent pair; 3674 At least so I thought 3675 Till I saw one get caught 3676On a thorn, and begin losing air. 3677% 3678There was a young lady named Dot 3679Whose cunt was so terribly hot 3680 That ten bishops of Rome 3681 And the Pope's private gnome 3682Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. 3683% 3684There was a young lady named Duff 3685With a lovely, luxuriant muff. 3686 In his haste to get in her 3687 One eager beginner 3688Lost both of his balls in the rough. 3689% 3690There was a young lady named Etta 3691Who was constantly seen in a swetta. 3692 Three reasons she had: 3693 To keep warm wasn't bad, 3694But the other two reasons were betta. 3695% 3696There was a young lady named Fleager 3697Who was terribly, terribly eager 3698 To be all the rage 3699 On the tragedy stage, 3700Though her talents were pitifully meagre. 3701 -- Edward Gorey 3702% 3703There was a young lady named Flo 3704Whose lover had pulled out too slow. 3705 So they tried it all night, 3706 Till he got it just right... 3707Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. 3708% 3709There was a young lady named Flynn 3710Who thought fornication a sin, 3711 But when she was tight 3712 It seemed quite all right, 3713So everyone filled her with gin. 3714% 3715There was a young lady named Gilda 3716Who went on a date with a builder. 3717 He said that he would, 3718 And he could and he should, 3719And he did and it damn well near killed her. 3720% 3721There was a young lady named Gloria 3722Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, 3723 And then by six men, 3724 Sir Gerald again, 3725And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 3726% 3727There was a young lady named Gloria, 3728Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" 3729 She replied to the chap, 3730 "I'll draw you a map, 3731Of where others have been to before ya." 3732% 3733There was a young lady named Grace 3734Who would not take a prick in her "place." 3735 Though she'd kiss it and suck it, 3736 She never would fuck it-- 3737She just couldn't relax face-to-face. 3738% 3739There was a young lady named Hall, 3740Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 3741 The dress caught on fire 3742 And burned her entire 3743Front page, sporting section, and all. 3744% 3745There was a young lady named Hatch 3746Who would always come through in a scratch. 3747 If a guy wouldn't neck her, 3748 She'd grab up his pecker 3749And shove the damn thing up her snatch. 3750% 3751There was a young lady named Mable 3752Who liked to sprawl out on the table, 3753 Then cry to her man, 3754 "Stuff in all you can -- 3755Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." 3756% 3757There was a young lady named Mandel 3758Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal 3759 By coming out bare 3760 On the main village square 3761And frigging herself with a candle. 3762% 3763There was a young lady named Maud, 3764A terrible society fraud: 3765 In company, I'm told, 3766 She was distant and cold, 3767But if you got her alone, Oh God! 3768% 3769There was a young lady named May 3770Who strolled in a park by the way, 3771 And she met a youg man 3772 Who fucked her and ran -- 3773Now she goes to the park every day. 3774% 3775There was a young lady named Nance 3776Who learned about fucking in France, 3777 And when you'd insert it 3778 She'd squeeze till she hurt it, 3779And shoved it right back in your pants. 3780% 3781There was a young lady named Nelly 3782Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. 3783 They could tickle her twat 3784 Or be tied in a knot, 3785And could even swat flies on her belly. 3786% 3787There was a young lady named Ransom 3788Who was raped three times in a hansom 3789 When she cried out for more 3790 Said a voice from the floor, 3791"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson 3792% 3793There was a young lady named Ransom 3794Who was rogered three times in a hansom. 3795 When she cried out for more 3796 A voice from the floor 3797Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." 3798% 3799There was a young lady named Riddle 3800Who had an untouchable middle. 3801 She had many friends 3802 Because of her ends, 3803Since it isn't the middle you diddle. 3804% 3805There was a young lady named Rose 3806Who fainted whenever she chose; 3807 She did so one day 3808 While playing croquet, 3809But was quickly revived with a hose. 3810 -- Edward Gorey 3811% 3812There was a young lady named Rose 3813With erogenous zones in her toes. 3814 She remained onanistic 3815 Till a foot-fetishistic 3816Young man became one of her beaux. 3817% 3818There was a young lady named Schneider 3819Who often kept trysts with a spider. 3820 She found a strange bliss, 3821 In the hiss of her piss, 3822As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. 3823% 3824There was a young lady named Smith 3825Whose virtue was largely a myth. 3826 She said, "Try as I can 3827 I can't find a man 3828Who it's fun to be virtuous with." 3829% 3830There was a young lady named Twiss 3831Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 3832 For it tickled her bum 3833 And caused her to come 3834.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 3835% 3836There was a young lady named Wylde 3837Who kept herself quite undefiled 3838 By thinking of Jesus; 3839 Contagious diseases; 3840And the bother of having a child. 3841% 3842There was a young lady of Arden, 3843The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. 3844 Said she with a frown, 3845 "I've been sadly let down 3846By the tool of a fool in a garden." 3847% 3848There was a young lady of Bicester 3849Who was nicer by far than her sister: 3850 The sister would giggle 3851 And wiggle and jiggle, 3852But this one would come if you kissed her. 3853% 3854There was a young lady of Brabant 3855Who slept with an impotent savant. 3856 She admitted, "We shouldn't, 3857 But it turned out he couldn't- 3858So you can't say we have when we haven't." 3859% 3860There was a young lady of Bude 3861Who walked down the street in the nude. 3862 A bobby said, "Whattum 3863 Magnificent bottom!" 3864And slapped it as hard as he could. 3865% 3866There was a young lady of Carmia 3867Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. 3868 At every cold snap 3869 She would climb in your lab, 3870So her little base burner could warm ya. 3871% 3872There was a young lady of Dee 3873Who went down to the river to pee. 3874 A man in a punt 3875 Put his hand on her cunt, 3876And God! how I wish it were me. 3877% 3878There was a young lady of Dee 3879Whose hymen was split into three. 3880 And when she was diddled 3881 The middle string fiddled : 3882"Nearer My God To Thee." 3883% 3884There was a young lady of Dexter 3885Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, 3886 For whenever they'd start 3887 He'd unfailingly fart 3888With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. 3889% 3890There was a young lady of Dover 3891Whose passion was such that it drove her 3892 To cry, when you came, 3893 "Oh dear! What a shame! 3894Well, now we shall have to start over." 3895% 3896There was a young lady of Ealing 3897And her lover before her was kneeling. 3898 Said she, "Dearest Jim, 3899 Take your hands off my quim; 3900I much prefer fucking to feeling." 3901% 3902There was a young lady of fashion 3903Who had oodles and oodles of passion. 3904 To her lover she said, 3905 As they climbed into bed, 3906"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" 3907% 3908There was a young lady of Fez 3909Who was known to the public as "Jez." 3910 Jezebel was her name, 3911 Sucking cocks was the game 3912She excelled at (so everyone says). 3913% 3914There was a young lady of Gaza 3915Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3916 The crabs, in a lump, 3917 Made tracks to her rump - 3918This passing parade did amaze her. 3919% 3920There was a young lady of Gaza 3921Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3922 The crabs, in a lump, 3923 Made tracks to her rump - 3924This passing parade did amaze her. 3925% 3926There was a young lady of Gaza 3927Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3928 The crabs, in a lump, 3929 Made tracks to her rump-- 3930This passing parade did amaze her. 3931% 3932There was a young lady of Gloucester, 3933Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. 3934 She wasn't much hurt, 3935 But he dirtied her skirt, 3936So think of the anguish it cost her. 3937% 3938There was a young lady of Gloucester 3939Whose friends they thought they had lost her 3940 Till they found on the grass 3941 The marks of her arse, 3942And the knees of the man who had crossed her. 3943% 3944There was a young lady of Kent, 3945Who admitted she knew what it meant 3946 When men asked her to dine, 3947 And plied her with wine, 3948She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! 3949% 3950There was a young lady of Lee 3951Who scrambled up into a tree, 3952 When she got there 3953 Her arsehole was bare, 3954And so was her C U N T. 3955% 3956There was a young lady of Lincoln 3957Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, 3958 So she had a prick lent her 3959 Which turned it magenta, 3960This artful old lady of Lincoln. 3961% 3962There was a young lady of Natchez 3963Who chanced to be born with two snatches, 3964 And she often said, "Shit! 3965 Why, I'd give either tit 3966For a man with equipment that matches." 3967 3968There was a young fellow named Locke 3969Who was born with a two-headed cock. 3970 When he'd fondle the thing 3971 It would rise up and sing 3972An antiphonal chorus by Bach. 3973 3974But whether these two ever met 3975Has not been recorded as yet, 3976 Still, it would be diverting 3977 To see him inserting 3978His whang while it sang a duet. 3979% 3980There was a young lady of Norway 3981Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 3982 She said to her beau 3983 "Just look at me Joe 3984I think I've discovered one more way." 3985% 3986There was a young lady of Rhyll 3987In an omnibus was taken ill, 3988 So she called the conductor, 3989 Who got in and fucked her, 3990Which did more good than a pill. 3991% 3992There was a young lady of Spain 3993Who took down her pants on a train. 3994 There was a young porter 3995 Saw more than he orter, 3996And asked her to do it again. 3997% 3998There was a young lady of Spain 3999Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. 4000 They did it again 4001 And again and again, 4002And again and again and again. 4003% 4004There was a young lady of Twickenham 4005Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. 4006 On her knees every day 4007 To God she would pray 4008To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. 4009% 4010There was a young lady of Wheeling 4011Said to her beau, "I've a feeling 4012 My little brown jug 4013 Has need of a plug" -- 4014And straightaway she started to peeling. 4015% 4016There was a young lady of Wheeling 4017Who professed to lack sexual feeling. 4018 But a cynic named Boris 4019 Just touched her clitoris, 4020And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 4021% 4022There was a young lady who said, 4023As her bridegroom got into the bed, 4024 "I'm tired of this stunt, 4025 That they do with one's cunt, 4026You can get up my bottom instead." 4027% 4028There was a young lady whose cunt 4029Could accomodate a small punt. 4030 Her mother said, "Annie, 4031 It matches your fanny, 4032Which never was that of a runt." 4033% 4034There was a young lady whose thighs, 4035When spread showed a slit of such size, 4036 And so deep and so wide, 4037 You could play cards inside, 4038Much to her bridegroom's surprise. 4039% 4040There was a young lass from Surat. 4041The cheeks of her ass were so fat 4042 That they had to be parted 4043 Whenever she farted, 4044And also whenever she shat. 4045% 4046There was a young lass from Surat. 4047The cheeks of her ass were so fat 4048 That they had to be parted 4049 Whenever she farted, 4050And also whenever she shat. 4051% 4052There was a young laundress named Wrangle 4053Whose tits tilted up at an angle. 4054 "They may tickle my chin," 4055 She said with a grin, 4056"But at least they keep out of the mangle." 4057% 4058There was a young maiden from Osset 4059Whose quim was nine inches across it. 4060 Said a young man named Tong, 4061 With tool nine inches long, 4062"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." 4063% 4064There was a young man from Bear Ridge 4065Who had strange ideas about marriage. 4066 He fucked his wife's mother 4067 And sucked off her brother 4068And ate up her sister's miscarriage. 4069% 4070There was a young man from Bel-Aire 4071Who was screwing his girl on the stair. 4072 But the banister broke 4073 So he doubled his stroke 4074And finished her off in mid-air. 4075% 4076There was a young man from Bengal 4077Who claimed he had only one ball, 4078 But two little bitches 4079 Pulled down this man's breeches 4080And proved he had nothing at all. 4081% 4082There was a young man from Biloxi 4083Whose bowels responded to Moxie. 4084 Drinking glass after glass, 4085 He would tune up his ass, 4086Till he played like the band at the Roxy. 4087% 4088There was a young man from Bombay 4089Who fashioned a cunt out of clay 4090 But the heat of his prick 4091 Turned it into a brick 4092And rubbed all his foreskin away. 4093% 4094There was a young man from Boston 4095Who rode around in an Austin. 4096 There was room for his ass 4097 And a gallon of gas, 4098But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. 4099% 4100There was a young man from Calcutta 4101Who was heard in his beard to mutter, 4102 "If her Bartholin glands 4103 Don't respond to my hands, 4104I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." 4105% 4106There was a young man from Dallas 4107Who had an exceptional phallus. 4108 He couldn't find room 4109 In any girl's womb 4110Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. 4111% 4112There was a young man from Dundee 4113Who buggered an ape in a tree. 4114 The results were quite horrid: 4115 All ass and no forehead, 4116Three balls and a purple goatee. 4117% 4118There was a young man from East Lizes 4119Whose balls were of two different sizes 4120 One was so small 4121 It was no ball at all 4122The other was large and won prizes. 4123% 4124There was a young man from East Wubley 4125Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. 4126 Each quadruplicate shaft 4127 Had two balls hanging aft, 4128And the general effect was quite lovely. 4129 4130There was a young man from Hong Kong 4131Who had a trifurcated prong: 4132 A small one for sucking, 4133 A large one for fucking, 4134And a `boney' for beating a gong. 4135% 4136There was a young man from Glengozzle 4137Who found a remarkable fossil. 4138 He knew by the bend 4139 And the wart on the end, 4140'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. 4141% 4142There was a young man from Jodhpur 4143Who found he could easily cure 4144 His dread diabetes 4145 By eating a foetus 4146Served up in a sauce of manure. 4147% 4148There was a young man from Kent 4149Whose tool was so long that it bent. 4150 To save himself trouble 4151 He put it in double 4152And instead of coming, he went. 4153% 4154There was a young man from Lynn 4155Whose cock was the size of a pin. 4156 Said his girl with a laugh 4157 As she felt his staff, 4158"This won't be much of a sin." 4159% 4160There was a young man from Maine 4161Whose prick was as strong as a crane; 4162 It was almost as long, 4163 So he strolled with his dong 4164Extended in sunshine and rain. 4165% 4166There was a young man from Nantucket 4167Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4168 But he looked in the glass, 4169 And saw his own ass, 4170And broke his neck trying to fuck it. 4171% 4172There was a young man from Nantucket 4173Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4174 He said with a grin, 4175 While wiping his chin, 4176"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 4177% 4178There was a young man from New Haven 4179Who had an affair with a raven. 4180 He said with a grin 4181 As he wiped off his chin, 4182"Nevermore!" 4183% 4184There was a young man from Peru, 4185Who took a long trip by canoe. 4186 While staring at Venus, 4187 And rubbing his penis, 4188He wound up with a handful of goo. 4189% 4190There was a young man from Purdue 4191Who was only just learning to screw, 4192 But he hadn't the knack, 4193 And he got too far back -- 4194In the right church, but in the wrong pew. 4195% 4196There was a young man from Racine 4197Who invented a fucking machine. 4198 Concave or convex, 4199 It served either sex, 4200But oh what a bitch to keep clean. 4201% 4202There was a young man from Rangoon 4203Who used to lament 'neath the moon 4204 That he had the luck 4205 To be born of a fuck 4206That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. 4207% 4208There was a young man from Salinas 4209Who had an extremely long penis: 4210 Believe it or not, 4211 When he lay on his cot 4212It reached from Marin to Martinez. 4213% 4214There was a young man from Seattle 4215Whose testicles tended to rattle. 4216 He said as he fuck-ed 4217 Some stones in a bucket, 4218"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." 4219% 4220There was a young man from Siam 4221Who said, "I go in with a wham, 4222 But I soon lose my starch 4223 Like the mad month of March, 4224And the lion comes out like a lamb." 4225% 4226There was a young man from St. Paul's 4227Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" 4228 Till he grew such a passion 4229 For feminine fashion 4230That he knitted a snood for his balls. 4231% 4232There was a young man from Stamboul 4233Who boasted so torrid a tool 4234 That each female crater 4235 Explored by this satyr 4236Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. 4237% 4238There was a young man from Tibet- 4239And this is the strangest one yet- 4240 Whose tool was so long, 4241 So pointed and strong, 4242He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". 4243% 4244There was a young man in Havana, 4245Banged his girl on a player-piana. 4246 At the height of their fever 4247 Her ass hit the lever 4248And: yes, he has no banana. 4249% 4250There was a young man in Norway, 4251Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, 4252 But the air was so frigid 4253 It froze his cock rigid, 4254And all he could come was frappe. 4255% 4256There was a young man in the choir 4257Whose penis rose higher and higher, 4258 Till it reached such a height 4259 It was quite out of sight -- 4260But of course you know I'm a liar. 4261% 4262There was a young man, name of Fred, 4263Who spent every Thursday in bed; 4264 He lay with his feet 4265 Outside of the sheet, 4266And the pillows on top of his head. 4267 -- Edward Gorey 4268% 4269There was a young man, name of Saul, 4270Who was able to bounce either ball, 4271 He could stretch them and snap them, 4272 And juggle and clap them, 4273Which earned him the plaudits of all. 4274% 4275There was a young man named Crockett 4276Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4277 His wife was a bitch 4278 So she threw the switch, 4279And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4280% 4281There was a young man named Crockett 4282Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4283 His wife was a bitch, 4284 Yeah, she threw the switch, 4285And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4286% 4287There was a young man named Hughes 4288Who swore off all kinds of booze. 4289 He said, "When I'm muddled 4290 My senses get fuddled, 4291And I pass up too many screws." 4292% 4293There was a young man named Knute 4294Who had warts all over his root. 4295 He put acid on these 4296 And now when he pees, 4297He fingers the thing like a flute. 4298% 4299There was a young man named Laplace 4300Whose balls were made out of spun glass. 4301 When they banged together 4302 They played "Stormy Weather" 4303And lightning shot out of his ass. 4304% 4305There was a young man named McNamiter 4306With a tool of prodigious diameter. 4307 But it wasn't the size 4308 Gave the girls a surprise, 4309But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. 4310% 4311There was a young man named Rex 4312Who really was small for his sex. 4313 When tried for exposure 4314 The judge's disclosure 4315Was "de minimus non curat lex." 4316% 4317There was a young man named Zerubbabel 4318Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. 4319 When they asked if his pleasure 4320 Was only half measure, 4321He replied, "That is highly improbable." 4322% 4323There was a young man named Zerubbabub 4324Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club 4325 But the pride of his life 4326 Were the tits of his wife -- 4327One real, and one India-rubber bub. 4328% 4329There was a young man of Arras 4330Who stretched himself out on the grass, 4331 And with no little trouble, 4332 He bent himself double, 4333And stuck his prick well up his ass. 4334% 4335There was a young man of Australia 4336Who went on a wild bacchanalia. 4337 He buggered a frog, 4338 Two mice and a dog, 4339And a bishop in fullest regalia. 4340% 4341There was a young man of Belgrade 4342Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. 4343 I will suck, without charge, 4344 Any cock, if it's large. 4345If it's small, I expect to be paid." 4346% 4347There was a young man of Belgrade 4348Who slept with a girl in the trade. 4349 She said to him, "Jack, 4350 Try the hole in the back; 4351The front one is badly decayed." 4352% 4353There was a young man of Bengal 4354Who swore he had only one ball, 4355 But two little bitches 4356 Unbuttoned his britches, 4357And found he had no balls at all. 4358% 4359There was a young man of Bombay 4360Who buggered his dad once a day. 4361 He said, "I like, rather, 4362 Fucking my father -- 4363He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." 4364% 4365There was a young man of Calcutta, 4366Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. 4367 When he got to c-u, 4368 A pious Hindoo 4369Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. 4370% 4371There was a young man of Cape Horn 4372Who wished he had never been born, 4373 And he wouldn't have been 4374 If his father had seen 4375That the end of the rubber was torn. 4376% 4377There was a young man of Coblenz 4378Whose ballocks were simply immense: 4379 It took forty-four draymen, 4380 A priest and three laymen 4381To carry them thither and thence. 4382% 4383There was a young man of Darjeeling 4384Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. 4385 In the electric light socket, 4386 He'd put it and rock it-- 4387Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! 4388% 4389There was a young man of Devizes 4390Whose balls were of different sizes. 4391 His tool when at ease, 4392 Hung down to his knees, 4393Oh, what must it be when it rises! 4394% 4395There was a young man of Devizes, 4396Whose balls were of different sizes. 4397 One was so small, 4398 It was nothing at all; 4399The other took numerous prizes. 4400% 4401There was a young man of Dumfries 4402Who said to his girl, "If you please, 4403 It would give me great bliss 4404 If, while playing with this, 4405You would pay some attention to these!" 4406% 4407There was a young man of Greenwich 4408Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 4409 So long was his tool 4410 That it wound round a spool, 4411And he let it out inach by inach. 4412% 4413There was a young man of high station 4414Who was found by a pious relation 4415 Making love in a ditch 4416 To -- I won't say a bitch -- 4417But a woman of no reputation. 4418% 4419There was a young man of Khartoum, 4420The strength of whose balls was his doom. 4421 So strong was his shootin', 4422 The third law of Newton 4423Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. 4424% 4425There was a young man of Khartoum 4426Who lured a poor girl to her doom. 4427 He not only fucked her, 4428 But buggered and sucked her-- 4429And left her to pay for the room. 4430% 4431There was a young man of Kildare 4432Who was fucking a girl on the stair. 4433 The bannister broke, 4434 But he doubled his stroke 4435And finished her off in mid-air. 4436% 4437There was a young man of Kutki 4438Who could blink himself off with one eye. 4439 For a while though, he pined, 4440 When his organ declined 4441To function, because of a stye. 4442% 4443There was a young man of Lahore 4444Whose prick was one inch and no more. 4445 It was all right for key-holes 4446 And little girl's pee-holes, 4447But not worth a damn with a whore. 4448% 4449There was a young man of Lake Placid 4450Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. 4451 When he wanted to sport 4452 He would have to resort 4453To injections of sulphuric acid. 4454% 4455There was a young man of Madras 4456Whose balls were constructed of brass. 4457 When jangled together 4458 They played "Stormy Weather", 4459And lightning shot out of his ass. 4460% 4461There was a young man of Missouri 4462Who fucked with a terrible fury. 4463 Till hauled into court 4464 For his beastial sport, 4465And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. 4466% 4467There was a young man of Natal 4468And Sue was the name of his gal. 4469 One day, north of Aden, 4470 He got his hard rod in, 4471And came clear up Suez Canal. 4472% 4473There was a young man of Natal 4474Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. 4475 Said she, "You're a sluggard!" 4476 Said he, "You be buggered! 4477I like to fuck slow and I shall." 4478% 4479There was a young man of Ostend 4480Who let a girl play with his end. 4481 She took hold of Rover, 4482 And felt it all over, 4483And it did what she didn't intend. 4484% 4485There was a young man of Ostend 4486Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. 4487 "It's no use, my duck, 4488 Interrupting our fuck, 4489For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." 4490% 4491There was a young man of Saskatchewan, 4492Whose penis was truly gargantuan. 4493 It was good for large whores, 4494 And for small dinosaurs, 4495And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. 4496% 4497There was a young man of Seattle 4498Who bested a bull in a battle. 4499 With fire and gumption 4500 He assumed the bull's function, 4501And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. 4502% 4503There was a young man of St. John's 4504Who wanted to bugger the swans. 4505 But the loyal hall porter 4506 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 4507Those birds are reserved for the dons." 4508% 4509There was a young man of Tibet 4510-- And this is the strangest one yet -- 4511 His prick was so long, 4512 And so pointed and strong, 4513He could bugger six sheep en brochette. 4514% 4515There was a young man of Toulouse 4516Who had a deficient prepuce, 4517 But the foreskin he lacked 4518 He made up in his sac; 4519The result was, his balls were too loose. 4520% 4521There was a young man who appeared 4522To his friends with a full growth of beard; 4523 They at once said, "Although 4524 We can't say why it's so, 4525The effect is uncommonly weird." 4526 -- Edward Gorey 4527% 4528There was a young man who said "God, 4529I find it exceedingly odd, 4530 That the willow oak tree 4531 Continues to be, 4532When there's no one about in the Quad." 4533 4534"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 4535For I'm always about in the Quad; 4536 And that's why the tree, 4537 Continues to be," 4538Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 4539% 4540There was a young man with a fiddle 4541Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" 4542 She replied, "Yes, I do, 4543 But prefer to with two -- 4544It's twice as much fun in the middle." 4545% 4546There was a young man with a prick 4547Which into his wife he would stick 4548 Every morning and night 4549 If it stood up all right -- 4550Not a very remarkable trick. 4551 4552His wife had a nice little cunt: 4553It was hairy, and soft, and in front, 4554 And with this she would fuck him, 4555 Though sometimes she'd suck him -- 4556A charming, if commonplace, stunt. 4557% 4558There was a young man with one foot 4559Who had a very long root. 4560 If he used this peg 4561 As an extra leg 4562Is a question exceedingly moot. 4563% 4564There was a young miss from Johore 4565Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; 4566 In a manner uncanny 4567 She'd wobble her fanny, 4568And drain your nuts dry to the core. 4569% 4570There was a young monk from Siberia 4571Whose life got drearia' and drearia' 4572 Till he did to a nun 4573 What shouldn't be done 4574And made her a mother superia'. 4575% 4576There was a young monk from Tibet 4577And this is the damnedest one yet 4578 His cock was so long 4579 And incredibly strong 4580That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. 4581% 4582There was a young monk in Siberia, 4583Whose morals were very inferior, 4584 He jumped on a nun 4585 Which he shouldn't have done, 4586And now she's a Mother Superior. 4587% 4588There was a young monk of Dundee 4589Who complained that it hurt him to pee, 4590 He said, "Pax vobiscum, 4591 Now why won't the piss come? 4592I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." 4593% 4594There was a young parson of Harwich, 4595Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. 4596 She said, "No, you young goose, 4597 Just try self-abuse. 4598And the other we'll try after marriage." 4599% 4600There was a young peasant named Gorse 4601Who fell madly in love with his horse. 4602 Said his wife, "You rapscallion, 4603 That horse is a stallion -- 4604This constitutes grounds for divorce." 4605% 4606There was a young person of Kent 4607Who was famous wherever he went. 4608 All the way through a fuck, 4609 He would quack like a duck, 4610And he crowed like a cock when he spent. 4611% 4612There was a young physicist named Fisk 4613Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. 4614 So quick was his action, 4615 The Lorentz Contraction 4616Shortened his rod to a disc !! 4617% 4618There was a young plumber named Lee 4619Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. 4620 She said, "Stop your plumbing, 4621 There's somebody coming" 4622Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." 4623% 4624There was a young poet named Dan, 4625Whose poetry never would scan. 4626 When told this was so, 4627 He said, "Yes, I know, 4628It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 4629% 4630There was a young royal marine, 4631Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". 4632 When he reached the soprano 4633 Out came only guano 4634And his britches weren't fit to be seen. 4635% 4636There was a young sailor from Brighton, 4637Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." 4638 She replied, "'Pon my soul, 4639 You're in the wrong hole; 4640There's plenty of room in the right one." 4641% 4642There was a young sapphic named Anna 4643Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, 4644 Which she sucked, bit by bit, 4645 From her partner's warm slit, 4646In the most approved lesbian manner. 4647% 4648There was a young Scot in Madrid 4649Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. 4650 When they said, "Are you faint?" 4651 He replied, "No, I ain't, 4652But I don't feel as good as I did." 4653% 4654There was a young soldier from Munich 4655Whose penis hung down past his tunic, 4656 And their chops girls would lick 4657 When they thought of his prick, 4658But alas! he was only a eunuch. 4659% 4660There was a young sportsman named Peel 4661Who went for a trip on his wheel; 4662 He pedalled for days 4663 Through crepuscular haze, 4664And returned feeling somewhat unreal. 4665 -- Edward Gorey 4666% 4667There was a young squaw of Wohunt 4668Who possessed a collapsible cunt. 4669 It had many odd uses, 4670 Produced no papooses, 4671And fitted both giant and runt. 4672% 4673There was a young student from Yale 4674Who was getting his first piece of tail. 4675 He shoved in his pole, 4676 But in the wrong hole, 4677And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" 4678% 4679There was a young trollop at Yale, 4680Who had verses tattooed on her tail, 4681 And on her behind, 4682 For the sake of the blind, 4683A duplicate version in Braille. 4684% 4685There was a young whore from Kaloo 4686Who filled her vagina with glue. 4687 She said with a grin, 4688 "If they pay to get in, 4689They can pay to get out again too!" 4690% 4691There was a young woman called Pearl 4692Who quite resembled a churl; 4693 When she asked a young man named Tex 4694 Whether he would like to have sex, 4695"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" 4696% 4697There was a young woman from Bude, 4698Who went for a swim in the nude, 4699 But a man in a punt, 4700 Grabbed at her elbow, 4701And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." 4702% 4703There was a young woman in Dee 4704Who stayed with each man she did see. 4705 When it came to a test 4706 She wished to be best, 4707And practice makes perfect, you see. 4708% 4709There was a young woman named Alice 4710Who peed in a Catholic chalice. 4711 She said, "I do this 4712 From a great need to piss, 4713And not from sectarian malice." 4714% 4715There was a young woman named Ells 4716Who was subject to curious spells 4717 When got up very oddly, 4718 She'd cry out things ungodly 4719by the palms in expensive hotels. 4720 -- Edward Gorey 4721% 4722There was a young woman named Florence 4723Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, 4724 But they found her in bed 4725 With her cunt flaming red, 4726And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. 4727% 4728There was a young woman named Plunnery 4729Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. 4730 Till one day unobservant, 4731 She blew up a servant, 4732And was forced to retire to a nunnery. 4733 -- Edward Gorey 4734% 4735There was a young woman named Sutton 4736Who said, as she carved up the mutton, 4737 "My father preferred 4738 The last sheep in the herd -- 4739This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." 4740% 4741There was a young woman of Cheadle, 4742Who once gave the clap to a beadle. 4743 Said she, "Does it itch?" 4744 "It does, you damned bitch, 4745And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." 4746% 4747There was a young woman of Condover 4748Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. 4749 Her pussy was juicy, 4750 Her arse soft and goosey, 4751But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. 4752% 4753There was a young woman of Croft 4754Who played with herself in a loft, 4755 Having reasoned that candles 4756 Could never cause scandals, 4757Besides which they did not go soft. 4758 4759Said another young woman of Croft, 4760Amusing herself in the loft, 4761 "A salami or wurst 4762 Is what I'd choose first -- 4763With bologna you know you've been boffed." 4764% 4765There was a young woman, quite handsome, 4766Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. 4767 When she offered much gold 4768 For release, she was told 4769That the view was worth more than the ransom. 4770% 4771There was a young woman whose stammer 4772Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; 4773 But they were not improved 4774 When her husband was moved 4775To knock out her teeth with a hammer. 4776 -- Edward Gorey 4777% 4778There was an old abbess quite shocked 4779To find nuns where the candles were locked. 4780 Said the abbess, "You nuns 4781 Should behave more like guns, 4782And never go off till you're cocked." 4783% 4784There was an old bishop from Buckingham 4785Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. 4786 His wife with distain 4787 Could scarcely restrain 4788That sprightly old bishop from * * *. 4789% 4790There was an old count of Swoboda 4791Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. 4792 So, with great savoir-faire, 4793 She stood on a chair 4794And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. 4795% 4796There was an old curate of Hestion 4797Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. 4798 But so small was his tool 4799 He could scarce screw a spool, 4800And a cunt was quite out of the question. 4801% 4802There was an old fellow named Art 4803Who awoke with a horrible start, 4804 For down by his rump 4805 Was a generous lump 4806Of what should have been just a fart. 4807% 4808There was an old fellow named Skinner 4809Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. 4810 But still, by and large, 4811 It would always discharge 4812Once he could just get it in her. 4813% 4814There was an old feminine blighter 4815Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. 4816 She would cream her own pool 4817 While she sucked off his tool -- 4818How his cock in her cunt would excite her! 4819% 4820There was an old gent from Kentuck 4821Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, 4822 But he put it away 4823 For fear that one day 4824He might put it in and get stuck. 4825% 4826There was an old girl of Kilkenny 4827Whose usual charge was a penny. 4828 For half of that sum 4829 You could finger her bum-- 4830A source of amusement to many. 4831% 4832There was an old harlot from Dijon 4833Who in her old age got religion. 4834 "When I'm dead & gone," 4835 Said she, "I'll take on 4836The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." 4837% 4838There was an old hermit named Dave 4839Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 4840 He said "I'll admit 4841 I'm a bit of a shit, 4842But look at the money I save." 4843% 4844There was an old lady of Bingly 4845Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. 4846 I thought I had got 4847 A bloke for my twat, 4848But he seems rather queenly than kingly." 4849% 4850There was an old lady of Glascow, 4851Whose party proved quite a fiasco. 4852 At nine-thirty, about, 4853 The lights all went out, 4854Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. 4855% 4856There was an old lady of Kewry 4857Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': 4858 The `introitus vaginae', 4859 Was unnaturally tiny, 4860And the thought of it filled her with fury. 4861% 4862There was an old lady who lay 4863With her legs wide apart in the hay, 4864 Then, calling the ploughman, 4865 She said, "Do it now, man! 4866Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." 4867% 4868There was an old maid from Cape Cod 4869Who thought all good things came from god. 4870 But it wasn't the almighty 4871 Who lifted her nighty, 4872It was Roger, the lodger, by god. 4873% 4874There was an old man from Bengal 4875Who liked to do tricks in the hall. 4876 His favorite trick 4877 Was to stand on his dick 4878While he rolled around on one ball. 4879% 4880There was an old man from Duluth 4881Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4882 He fucked with his nose 4883 Or his fingers and toes 4884And he came thru a hole in his tooth. 4885% 4886There was an old man from Fort Drum 4887Whose son was incredibly dumb. 4888 When he urged him ahead, 4889 He went down instead, 4890For he thought to succeed meant succumb. 4891% 4892There was an old man of Alsace 4893Who played the trombone with his ass. 4894 He put in a trap 4895 To take out the crap, 4896But the vapors corroded the brass. 4897% 4898There was an old man of Brienz 4899The length of whose cock was immense: 4900 With one swerve he could plug 4901 A boy's bottom in Zug, 4902And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. 4903% 4904There was an old man of Cajon 4905Who never could get a good bone. 4906 With the aid of a gland 4907 It grew simply grand; 4908Now his wife cannot leave it alone. 4909% 4910There was an old man of Calcutta 4911Who spied through a chink in the shutter. 4912 But all he could see 4913 Was his wife's bare knee, 4914And the back of the bloke who was up her. 4915% 4916There was an old man of Connaught 4917Whose prick was remarkably short. 4918 When he got into bed, 4919 The old woman said, 4920"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." 4921% 4922There was an old man of Duddee 4923Who came home as drunk as could be. 4924 He wound up the clock 4925 With the end of his cock, 4926And buggered his wife with the key. 4927% 4928There was an old man of Duluth 4929Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4930 He fucked with his nose 4931 And with fingers and toes, 4932And he came through a hole in his tooth. 4933% 4934There was an old man of Hong Kong 4935Who never did anything wrong. 4936 He would lie on his back 4937 With his head in a sack 4938And secretly finger his dong. 4939% 4940There was an old man of St. Bees, 4941Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4942 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4943 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4944I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4945% 4946There was an old man of St. Bees, 4947Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4948 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4949 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4950I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4951 -- W.S. Gilbert 4952% 4953There was an old man of Tagore 4954Whose tool was a yard long or more, 4955 So he wore the damn thing 4956 In a surgical sling 4957To keep it from wiping the floor. 4958% 4959There was an Old Man of the Mountain 4960Who frigged himself into a fountain 4961 Fifteen times had he spent, 4962 Still he wasn't content, 4963He simply got tired of the counting. 4964% 4965There was an old man of the port 4966Whose prick was remarkably short. 4967 When he got into bed, 4968 The old woman said, 4969"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4970% 4971There was an old man of the port 4972Whose prick was remarkably short. 4973 When he got into bed, 4974 The old woman said, 4975"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4976% 4977There was an old man of the port 4978Whose prick was remarkably short. 4979 When he got into bed, 4980 The old woman said, 4981"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4982% 4983There was an old man who said, "Tush! 4984My balls always hang in the brush, 4985 And I fumble about, 4986 Half in and half out, 4987With a pecker as limber as mush." 4988% 4989There was an old man with a beard 4990Who said, "It is just what I feared! 4991 Two owls and a hen, 4992 Four larks and a wren 4993Have all built their nests in my beard!" 4994% 4995There was an old person of Ware 4996Who had an affair with a bear. 4997 He explained, "I don't mind, 4998 For it's gentle and kind, 4999But I wish it had slightly less hair." 5000% 5001There was an old pirate named Bates 5002Who was learning to rhumba on skates 5003 He fell on his cutlass 5004 Which rendered him nutless 5005And practically useless on dates. 5006% 5007There was an old satyr named Mack 5008Whose prick had a left handed tack. 5009 If the ladies he loves 5010 Don't spin when he shoves, 5011Their cervixes frequently crack. 5012% 5013There was an old Scot named McTavish 5014Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. 5015 The object of rape 5016 Was the wrong sex of ape, 5017And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. 5018% 5019There was an old whore from Silesia 5020Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, 5021 For a slight extra sum 5022 You can go up my bum 5023But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." 5024% 5025There was an old whore in the Azores 5026Whose body was covered with festers & sores. 5027 Why the dogs in the street 5028 Wouldn't eat the green meat 5029That hung in festoons from her drawers. 5030% 5031There was an old woman of Ghent 5032Who swore that her cunt had no scent. 5033 She got fucked so often 5034 At last she got rotten, 5035And didn't she stink when she spent. 5036% 5037There was once a mechanic named Bench 5038Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. 5039 With this vibrant device 5040 He could reach, in a trice, 5041The innermost parts of a wench. 5042% 5043There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel 5044Who said, "They can all go to hell! 5045 What they do to my wife-- 5046 Why it ruins my life; 5047And the worst is, they all do it well. 5048% 5049There were three ladies of Huxham, 5050And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, 5051 And when that game grows stale 5052 We sits on a rail, 5053And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. 5054% 5055There were three young ladies of Birmingham, 5056And this is the scandal concerning 'em. 5057 They lifted the frock 5058 And tickled the cock 5059Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. 5060 5061Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, 5062He'd been to a good public school, 5063 So he took down their britches 5064 And buggered those bitches 5065With his ten-inch episcopal tool. 5066 5067Then up spoke a lady from Kew, 5068And said, as the Bishop withdrew, 5069 "The vicar is quicker 5070 And thicker and slicker, 5071And longer and stronger than you." 5072 -- Abuses of the Clergy 5073% 5074There's a charming young girl in Tobruk 5075Who refers to her quiff as a nook. 5076 It's deep and it's wide, 5077 -- You can curl up inside 5078With a nice easy chair and a book. 5079% 5080There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu 5081Who's often been screwed by yours truly, 5082 But now--it's appallin'-- 5083 My balls always fall in! 5084I fear that I've fucked her unduly. 5085% 5086There's a dowager near Sweden Landing 5087Whose manners are odd and demanding. 5088 It's one of her jests 5089 To suck off her guests -- 5090She hates to keep gentlemen standing. 5091% 5092There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock 5093Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, 5094 But her cunt's got a pucker 5095 That's best not to fuck, or 5096When least you expect it to, it'll lock. 5097% 5098There's a rather odd couple in Herts 5099Who are cousins (or so each asserts); 5100 Their sex is in doubt 5101 For they're never without 5102Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. 5103 -- Edward Gorey 5104% 5105There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, 5106Who's been coxing the varsity crew. 5107 In the shell Sue is great, 5108 But her boyfriend's irate, 5109When she calls out the stroke as they screw. 5110% 5111There's a tavern in London that's staffed, 5112By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: 5113 In her striving to please, 5114 She serves ale on her knees, 5115So the patrons get head with their draft. 5116% 5117There's a very hot babe at the Aggies 5118Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. 5119 The seniors go round 5120 Hanging down to the ground, 5121And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. 5122% 5123There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, 5124Since his shocking perversions are various... 5125 He will bugger some lad 5126 With a dildo (the cad!) 5127While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" 5128% 5129There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, 5130Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. 5131 When one pireg is shot, 5132 There's that alternate twat, 5133But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. 5134% 5135There's an oversexed lady named Whyte 5136Who insists on a dozen a night. 5137 A fellow named Cheddar 5138 Had the brashness to wed her- 5139His chance of survival is slight. 5140% 5141There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, 5142Exceedingly hard to get onto, 5143 But when you get there, 5144 And have parted the hair, 5145You can fuck her as much as you want to. 5146% 5147They had come in the fugue to the stretto 5148When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto 5149 Slipped forward and grabbed 5150 Her tresses and stabbed 5151Her to death with a rusty stiletto. 5152 -- Edward Gorey 5153% 5154Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, 5155Was to do what man normally does, 5156 She declared, "I'm a Soul- 5157 Not a sexual goal!" 5158So he shrugged and called someone who was. 5159% 5160Though most of the crewmen are whites, 5161Uhura has full equal rights. 5162 Her crewmates, you see, 5163 Love De-mo-cra-cy, 5164And the way that she fills out her tights. 5165% 5166Though the invalid Saint of Brac 5167Lay all of his life on his back, 5168 His wife got her share, 5169 And the pilgrims now stare 5170At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. 5171% 5172'Tis a custom in Castellamare 5173To fuck in the back of a lorry. 5174 The chassis and springs 5175 Are like woodwinds and strings 5176In the midst of a musical soiree. 5177% 5178To a weepy young woman in Thrums 5179Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes 5180 Of allowing your tears 5181 To fall into my ears - 5182I think they have rotted the drums." 5183 -- Edward Gorey 5184% 5185To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. 5186Their fertility was somewhat unstable. 5187 He constructed a bed 5188 Out of tree trunks and said, 5189"Even adders can multiply on a log table." 5190% 5191To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! 5192Your cunt is as big as a dish!" 5193 She replied, "Why, you fool, 5194 With your limp little tool 5195It's like driving a nail with a fish!" 5196% 5197To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : 5198"I trust you will show some forbearance. 5199 My sexual habits 5200 I picked up from rabbits, 5201And occasionally watching my parents." 5202% 5203To his bride said economist Fife : 5204"The semen you'll launch as my wife, 5205 We will salvage and freeze 5206 To resemble goat's cheese, 5207And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." 5208% 5209To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, 5210"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5211 Has the east tit the least bit 5212 The best of the west tit, 5213Or is it the faulty perspective?" 5214% 5215To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, 5216"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5217 Is your east tit the least bit 5218 The best of your west tit, 5219Or is it a trick of perspective?" 5220% 5221To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, 5222As he poured his post-prandial tipple, 5223 "Your mother's behaviour 5224 Gave pain to Our Saviour, 5225And that's why He made you a cripple." 5226 -- Edward Gorey 5227% 5228Two anglers were fishing off Wight 5229And his bobber was dipping all night. 5230 Murmured she, with a laugh, 5231 "It's ready to gaff, 5232But don't break your rod which is light." 5233 5234A couple was fishing near Clombe 5235When the maid began looking quite glum, 5236 And said, "Bother the fish! 5237 I'd rather coish!" 5238Which they did -- which was why they had come. 5239 5240As two consular clerks in Madras 5241Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, 5242 "What a marvelous pole," 5243 Said she, "but control 5244Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." 5245% 5246Two eager young men from Cawnpore 5247Once buggared and fucked the same whore. 5248 But her partition split 5249 And the blood and the shit 5250Rolled out in a mess on the floor. 5251% 5252Two roosters in one of our pens 5253Found their pricks were no larger than wens. 5254 As they looked at their foreskins 5255 And wished they had more skins, 5256They discovered they'd both become hens. 5257% 5258Under the spreading chestnut tree 5259The village smith he sat, 5260 Amusing himself 5261 By abusing himself 5262And catching the load in his hat. 5263% 5264Une joile epousetta a Tours 5265Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. 5266 Mais le mari disait, "Non! 5267 De trop n'est pas bon! 5268Mon derriere exige du secours!" 5269% 5270Visas erat: huic geminarum 5271Dispar modus testicularum: 5272 Minor haec nihili, 5273 Palma triplici, 5274Jam fecerat altera clarum. 5275% 5276We dedicate this to the cunt, 5277The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : 5278 All hail to the twat, 5279 Willing, thrilling, and hot, 5280That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! 5281% 5282When I was a baby, my penis 5283Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. 5284 But now 'this as red 5285 As her nipples instead-- 5286All because of the feminie genus! 5287% 5288When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, 5289Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, 5290 "Was he modest or vain?" 5291 "Was he regal or plain?" 5292She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" 5293% 5294When you fuck little Annie in Anza 5295You get a great bossom bonanza: 5296 Sucking Annie's soft tits 5297 Makes her throw fifty fits, 5298And the fuck is a sextravaganza! 5299% 5300While his duchess lay practically dead, 5301The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: 5302 "Can it be this is all? 5303 How puny! How small! 5304Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." 5305 -- Edward Gorey 5306% 5307While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 5308Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 5309 She explained, "They are flat, 5310 But think nothing of that -- 5311You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 5312% 5313While out on a date in his Fiat, 5314The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" 5315 As he bent down to seek, 5316 She let out a shriek: 5317"That's not where it's likely to be at." 5318% 5319While spending the winter at Pau 5320Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." 5321 So the head-porter made her 5322 And the second-cook laid her; 5323The waiters were all hanging low. 5324% 5325While Titian was mixing rose madder, 5326His model reclined on a ladder. 5327 Her position to Titian 5328 Suggested coition, 5329So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. 5330% 5331While travelling in farthest Tibet, 5332Lord Irongate found cause to regret 5333 The buttered-up tea, 5334 A pain in his knee, 5335And the frivolous tourists he met. 5336 -- Edward Gorey 5337% 5338Winter is here with his grouch, 5339The time when you sneeze and you slouch. 5340 You can't take your women 5341 Canoein' or swimmin', 5342But a lot can be done on a couch. 5343% 5344With his penis in turgid erection, 5345And aimed at woman's mid-section, 5346 Man looks most uncouth 5347 In that Moment of Truth, 5348But she sheathes it with loving affection. 5349% 5350You Women's Lib gals won't agree, 5351But dependent on men you must be: 5352 You'll need a him 5353 With a rod firm and trim, 5354To puggle your water-drains free! 5355% 5356Young Frederick the great was a beaut. 5357To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. 5358 If you'll come to my palace, 5359 I'll finger your phallus, 5360And then I shall blow on your flute." 5361% 5362You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, 5363Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : 5364 He buggers the choir 5365 As they sing "Ave Maria," 5366And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. 5367% 5368