limerick revision 174422
1%% $FreeBSD: head/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick 174422 2007-12-07 22:28:08Z dougb $ 2% 3A bad little girl in Madrid, 4A most reprehensible kid, 5 Told her Tante Louise 6 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 7And the worst of it was that it did! 8% 9A bather whose clothing was strewed 10By breezes that left her quite nude, 11 Saw a man come along 12 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 13You expected this line to be lewd. 14% 15A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 16I am not I, I'm a tree." 17 But another, more sane, 18 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 19And covered his pants leg with pee. 20% 21A beautiful belle of Del Norte 22Is reckoned disdainful and haughty 23 Because during the day 24 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 25But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 26% 27A beautiful lady named Psyche 28Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 29 One thing about Ike 30 The lady can't like 31Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 32% 33A beetling young woman named Pridgets 34Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 35 Off the end of a wharf 36 She once pushed a dwarf 37Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 38 -- Edward Gorey 39% 40A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 41Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 42 When she swiveled about 43 Even strong men cried out, 44For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 45% 46A bobby of Nottingham Junction 47Whose organ had long ceased to function 48 Deceived his good wife 49 For the rest of her life 50With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 51% 52A broken-down harlot named Tupps 53Was heard to confess in her cups: 54 "The height of my folly 55 Was diddling a collie- 56But I got a nice price for the pups." 57% 58A burlesque dancer, a pip 59Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 60 But she read science fiction 61 And died of constriction 62Attempting a Moebius strip. 63 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 64% 65A busy young lady named Gloria 66Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 67 And then by six men, 68 Sir Gerald again, 69And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 70% 71A cabin boy on an old clipper 72Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 73 He plugged up his ass 74 With fragments of glass 75And thus circumcised his old skipper. 76% 77A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 78Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 79 With his date all strapped in 80 He committed a sin 81Without even leaving the garage. 82 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 83% 84A cautious young fellow named Tunney 85Had a whang that was worth any money. 86 When eased in half-way, 87 The girl's sigh made him say, 88"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 89% 90A certain young man, it was noted, 91Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 92 He said, "You may scoff, 93 But I shan't take it off; 94Underneath I am horribly bloated." 95 -- Edward Gorey 96% 97A certain young person of Ghent, 98Uncertain if lady or gent, 99 Shows his organs at large 100 For a small handling charge 101To assist him in paying the rent. 102% 103A certain young sheik of Algiers 104Said to his harem, "My dears, 105 Though you may think it odd of me, 106 I'm tired of just sodomy 107Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 108% 109A chap down in Oklahoma 110Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 111 But the sweetness of pitch 112 Couldn't put off the hitch 113Of impotence, size and aroma. 114% 115A charmer from old Amarillo, 116Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 117 Decided one day 118 That to keep men away 119She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 120% 121A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 122Had a pussy as large as a muff. 123 It had room for both hands 124 And some intimate glands, 125And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 126% 127A clerical student named Pryne 128Through pain sought to reach the divine: 129 He wore a hair shirt, 130 Quite often ate dirt, 131And bathed every Friday in brine. 132 -- Edward Gorey 133% 134A clever young man named Eugene 135Invented a jack-off machine. 136 On the twenty-third stroke 137 The fuckin' thing broke 138And beat both his balls to a creame. 139% 140A cocksucking steno named Beeman 141Remarked as she swallowed my semen: 142 "On my minuscule salary 143 I must watch every calorie, 144So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 145% 146A computer called Illiac4 147Had a rather tough bug in its core. 148 It chewed up its cards 149 And spewed yards and yards 150Of illegible tape on the floor. 151% 152A contortionist hailing from Lynch 153Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 154 A foot cost a quid -- 155 He could and he did 156Stretch it to three in a pinch. 157% 158A corpulent maiden named Kroll 159Had a notion exceedingly droll: 160 At a masquerade ball, 161 Dressed in nothing at all, 162She backed in as a Parker House roll. 163% 164A cowhand way out in Seattle 165Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 166 He said, "No, I can't fuck 167 A lamb or a duck, 168But golly! it just fits the cattle." 169% 170A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 171And had an affair with a Saracen. 172 She was not oversexed, 173 Or jealous or vexed, 174She just wanted to make a comparison. 175% 176A CS student named Lin 177Had a prick the size of a pin 178 It was no good for girls 179 But just great for squirrels 180Who squealed with delight with it in. 181% 182A cute little twerp from Samoa 183Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 184 It was good for keyholes 185 And debutantes' peeholes 186But not worth a damn on a whoa. 187% 188A daredevil skater named Lowe, 189Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 190 But is proudest of doing, 191 Some incredible screwing, 192Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 193% 194A deep-throated virgin named Netty 195Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 196 She said, "It tastes nice, 197 Much better than rice, 198Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 199% 200A delighted, incredulous bride 201Remarked to her groom at her side: 202 "I never could quite 203 Believe till tonight 204Our anatomies would coincide." 205% 206A dentist, young doctor Malone, 207Got a charming girl patient alone, 208 And, in his depravity, 209 Filled the wrong cavity. 210God, how his practice has grown. 211% 212A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 213With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 214 Let his third-story front, 215 To a willing young cunt, 216Who supplied him a new lease on life! 217% 218A desperate spinster from Clare 219Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 220 And prayed to her God 221 For a romp on the sod-- 222'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 223% 224A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 225Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 226 As quick as a glance 227 He stripped off his pants, 228But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 229% 230A doctoral student from Buckingham 231Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 232 But a dropout from paree 233 Taught him Gamahuchee 234- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 235% 236A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 237Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 238 She blew her vagina 239 To South Carolina, 240And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 241 242A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 243Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 244 They found her vagina, 245 In South Carolina, 246And part of her ass in Brazil. 247% 248A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 249Whose overworked sex is all callous, 250 Wore the foreskin away 251 On uncircumcised Ray, 252Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 253% 254A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 255Wished to foster an aura of menace. 256 To make people afraid 257 He wore gloves of grey suede 258And white footgear intended for tennis. 259 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" 260% 261A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, 262Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, 263 Had achieved some reknown 264 For her tone going down-- 265There's a nice civil tongue in her head. 266% 267A fair-haired young damsel named Grace 268Thought it very, very foolish to place 269 Her hand on your cock 270 When it turned hard as rock, 271For fear it would explode in your face. 272% 273A farmer I know named O'Doole 274Had a long and incredible tool. 275 He can use it to plow, 276 Or to diddle a cow, 277Or just as a cue-stick at pool. 278% 279A fellatrix's healthful condition 280Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. 281 Her remarkable diet 282 (I suggest that you try it) 283Was only her clients' emission. 284% 285A fellow whose surname was Hunt 286Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: 287 This versatile spout 288 Could be turned inside out, 289Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. 290% 291A fisherman off of Cape Cod 292Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" 293 But the high-minded fish 294 Resented his wish, 295And nimbly swam off with his rod. 296% 297A foolish geologist from Kissen 298Just didn't know what he was missin', 299 By studying rock 300 And neglecting his cock, 301And using it merely for pissin'. 302% 303A Frenchman who lived in Alsace 304Had sex with a virgin named Grace. 305 When he popped her cherry, 306 She made things hairy 307By bleeding all over his face. 308% 309A gay young prince from Morocco 310Made love in a manner rococco. 311 He painted his penis 312 To resemble a Venus 313And flavored his semen with cocoa. 314% 315A geneticist living in Delft 316Scientifically played with himself, 317 And when he was done 318 He labeled it: son, 319And filed him away on a shelf. 320% 321A gentleman, otherwise meek, 322Detested with passion the leek; 323 When offered one out 324 He dealt such a clout 325To the maid, she was down for a week. 326 -- Edward Gorey 327% 328A german composer named Bruckner 329Remarked to a lady while fuckener: 330 "Less lento, my dear, 331 With your cute little rear; 332I like a hot presto when muckener!" 333% 334A gift was delivered to Laura 335From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; 336 Wrapped in tissue and crepe, 337 It was peeled, like a grape, 338And emitted a pale, greenish aura. 339 -- Edward Gorey 340% 341A gifted young fellow from Sparta 342Was widely renowned as a farta'. 343 He could fart anything 344 From "Of Thee I Sing," 345To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." 346% 347A girl camper once had an affair 348With a fellow all covered with hair. 349 When she gave him his hat 350 She realized that 351She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 352% 353A girl of the Enterprise crew 354Refused every offer to screw. 355 But a Vulcan named Spock 356 Crawled under her smock, 357And now she is eating for two. 358% 359A girl of uncertain nativity 360Had an ass of extreme sensitivity 361 While she sat on the lap 362 Of a German or Jap, 363She could sense Fifth Column activity. 364% 365A graduate student named Zac 366Was said to be great in the sack. 367 An inch of his boner 368 Put girls in a coma 369And two gave them epileptic attacks. 370% 371A greedy young lady from Sidney 372Liked it in up to her kidney, 373 Till a man from Quebec 374 Shoved it up to her neck-- 375He really diddled her, didn' he? 376% 377A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds 378Once swallowed a package of seeds. 379 In a month, his ass 380 Was covered with grass 381And his balls were grown over with weeds. 382% 383A guest in a household quite charmless 384Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 385 "If you're caught unawares 386 At the head of the stairs, 387Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 388 -- Edward Gorey 389% 390A habit depraved and unsavory 391Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 392 Midst screeches and howls 393 He deflowered young owls 394Which he kept in an underground aviary 395% 396A habit obscene and bizarre, 397Has taken a-hold of papa. 398 He brings home young camels 399 And other odd mammals, 400And gives them a go at mama. 401% 402A habit obscene and unsavory, 403Holds a CS professor in slavery. 404 With maniacal howls, 405 He deflowers young owls, 406That he keeps in an underground aviary. 407% 408A hacker who screwed a mag tape 409Was caught and convicted of rape. 410 To jail he did go, 411 From which, to his woe 412He couldn't get out with ESC. 413% 414A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 415Made love to the drive of his disk. 416 The thing circumsized him, 417 Which rather surprised him. 418He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 419% 420A handsome young rodent named Gratian 421As a lifeguard became a sensation. 422 All the lady mice waved 423 And screamed to be saved 424By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. 425% 426A happy old hooker named Grace 427Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. 428 It was hard for beginners 429 To tell who were winners: 430There were cunt hairs all over the place. 431% 432A hardware debugger named Court 433Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. 434 But its buffer array 435 Only handled 1K, 436So the port's driver cut it off short. 437% 438A haughty young wench of Del Norte 439Would fuck only men over forty. 440 Said she, "It's too quick 441 With a young fellow's prick; 442I like it to last, and be warty." 443% 444A headstrong young woman in Ealing 445Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; 446 When quizzed why she did, 447 She replied, "To be rid 448Of a strange, overpowering feeling." 449 -- Edward Gorey 450% 451A hearty young fellow named Yost 452Once had an affair with a ghost. 453 At the height of the spasm 454 The poor ectoplasm 455Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." 456% 457A hidebound young virgin named Carrie 458Would say, when the fellows got hairy: 459 "Keep your prick in your pants 460 Till the end of this dance--" 461Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. 462% 463A highly aesthetic young Jew 464Had eyes of a heavenly blue; 465 The end of his dillie 466 Was shaped like a lilly, 467And his balls were too utterly two! 468% 469A highway patrol buff named Claire, 470Once screwed half a troop on a dare, 471 And her parts grew so hot, 472 There was steam on her twat, 473So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! 474% 475A horny young fellow named Reg, 476Was jerking off under a hedge. 477 The gardener drew near 478 With a huge pruning shear, 479And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. 480% 481A huge-organed female in Dallas, 482Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, 483 Was virgo intacto, 484 Because, ipso facto, 485No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. 486% 487A joker who haunts Monticello 488Is really a terrible fellow. 489 In the midst of caresses 490 He fills ladies dresses 491With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. 492% 493A lacklustre lady of Brougham 494Weaveth all night at her loom. 495 Anon she doth blench 496 When her lord and his wench 497Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. 498% 499A lad, at his first copulation, 500Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, 501 Gyration, elation 502 Throughout the duration, 503I guess I'll give up masturbation." 504% 505A lad from far-off Transvaal 506Was lustful, but tactful withal. 507 He'd say, just for luck, 508 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" 509But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. 510% 511A lad of the brainier kind 512Had erogenous zones in his mind. 513 He got his sensations, 514 By solving equations, 515(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) 516% 517A lady born under a curse 518Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; 519 From the back she would wail 520 Through a thickness of veil: 521"Things do not get better, but worse." 522 -- Edward Gorey 523% 524A lady both callous and brash 525Met a man with a vast black moustache; 526 She cried, "Shave it, O do! 527 And I'll put it with glue 528On my hat as a sort of panache." 529 -- Edward Gorey 530% 531A lady from Kalamazoo 532Once found she had nothing to do, 533 So she sat on the stairs 534 And she counted her hairs: 5354,302. 536% 537A lady from Old Little Rock 538In fidelity took little stock, 539 And deserted her man 540 In the streets of Japan 541For a boy with a prehensile cock. 542% 543A lady removing her scanties, 544Heard them crackle electrical chanties. 545 Said her beau, "Have no fear, 546 For the reason is clear: 547You simply have amps in your panties. 548% 549A lady stockholder quite hetera 550Decided her fortune to bettera: 551 On the floor, quite unclad, 552 She successively had 553Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... 554% 555A lady was seized with intent 556To revise her existence misspent. 557 So she climbed up the dome 558 Of St. Peter's in Rome, 559Where she stayed through the following Lent. 560 -- Edward Gorey 561% 562A lady, while dining in Crewe, 563Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 564 Said the waiter, "Don't shout 565 Or wave it about 566Or the others will ask for one, too." 567% 568A lady who signs herself "Vexed" 569Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: 570 "I don't mind my shins 571 Being stuck full of pins, 572But I fear I am coming unsexed." 573 -- Edward Gorey 574% 575A lady with features cherubic 576Was famed for her area pubic. 577 When they asked her its size 578 She replied in surprise, 579"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" 580% 581A lass at the foot of her class 582Asked a brainier chick how to pass. 583 She replied, "With no fuss 584 You can get a B-plus, 585By letting the prof pat your ass." 586% 587A lecherous barkeep named Dale, 588After fucking his favorite female, 589 Mixed Drambuie and scotch 590 With the cream in her crotch 591For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. 592% 593A licentious old justice of Salem 594Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. 595 But instead of a fine 596 He would stand them in line, 597With his common-law tool to impale 'em. 598% 599A linguist thought it a farce 600That memory space was so sparse. 601 One day they increased it. 602 Said he as he seized it: 603"At last! Enough core for the parse". 604% 605A lonely young lad of Eton 606Used always to sleep with the heat on, 607 Till he ran into a lass 608 Who showed him her ass -- 609Now they sleep with only a sheet on. 610% 611A lovely young diver named Nancy, 612Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, 613 The fish of Bonaire, 614 Watched her Derriere, 615And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. 616% 617A lovely young maid from St. Jude 618Once rode through the streets in the nude. 619 The police cried, "Whatam-- 620 Agnificent bottom" 621And slapped it as hard as they could. 622% 623A lusty young maid from Seattle 624Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; 625 Till she found a bull 626 Who filled her so full 627It made both her ovaries rattle. 628% 629A lusty young woodsman of Maine 630For years with no woman had lain, 631 But he found sublimation 632 At a high elevation 633In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! 634% 635A madam who ran a bordello 636Put come in her pineapple jello, 637 For the rich, sexy taste 638 And not wanting to waste 639That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. 640% 641A maestro directing in Rome 642Had a quaint way of driving it home. 643 Whoever he climbed 644 Had to keep her tail timed 645To the beat of his old metronome. 646% 647A maiden who lived in Virginny 648Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. 649 The horsey set rushed her, 650 But success finally crushed her 651For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. 652% 653A maiden who travelled in France 654Once got on a train, just by chance. 655 The engineer fucked her, 656 The conductor sucked her, 657And the fireman came in his pants. 658% 659A maiden who wrote of big cities 660Some songs full of love, fun and pities, 661 Sold her stuff at the shop 662 Of a musical wop 663Who played with her soft little titties. 664% 665A man was once heard to boast, 666That he received a parcel by post, 667 It contained, so we heard, 668 A magnificent turd, 669And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. 670% 671A marine being sent to Hong Kong 672Got a doctor to alter his dong. 673 He sailed off with a tool 674 Flat and thin as a rule - 675When he got there he found he was wrong. 676% 677A mathematician named Hall 678Had a hexahedronical ball, 679 And the square of its weight 680 Times his pecker's, plus eight, 681Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. 682% 683A mathematician named Hall 684Has a hexahedronical ball, 685 And the cube of its weight 686 Times his pecker's, plus eight 687Is his phone number -- give him a call... 688% 689A mathematician named Klein 690Thought the Moebius band was divine. 691 Said he, "If you glue 692 The edges of two, 693You'll get a weird bottle like mine! 694% 695A middle-aged codger named Bruin 696Found his love life completely in ruin, 697 For he flirted with flirts 698 Wearing pants and no skirts, 699And he never got in for no screwin'. 700% 701A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, 702Who was lonely and wanted a futter. 703 She had nowhere to turn, 704 So she diddled a churn, 705And managed to come with the butter. 706% 707A mortician who practised in Fife 708Made love to the corpse of his wife. 709 "How could I know, Judge? 710 She was cold, did not budge-- 711Just the same as she'd acted in life." 712% 713A nasty old drunk in Carmel 714Thinks it funny to piss in the well. 715 He says, "Some don't favor 716 That unusual flavor, 717But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" 718% 719A nervous young fellow named Fred 720Took a charming young widow to bed. 721 When he'd diddled a while 722 She remarked with a smile, 723"You've got it all in but the head." 724% 725A new dramatist of the absurd 726Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 727 I learn from my spies 728 He's about to devise 729An unprintable three-letter word. 730% 731A newlywed couple from Goshen 732Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. 733 In twenty-eight days 734 They got laid eighty ways -- 735Imagine such fucking devotion! 736% 737A newly-wed man of Peru 738Found himself in a terrible stew: 739 His wife was in bed 740 Much deader than dead, 741And so he had no one to screw. 742% 743A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, 744In the pleasures of men was well-versed. 745 Reads the sign o'er the head 746 Of her well-rumpled bed 747"The customer always comes first." 748% 749A novice was told by the Abbot: 750"Consider the goat and the rabbit. 751 While they roll in the hay 752 You just stay home and pray. 753You've got to get out of that habit." 754% 755A nudist resort at Benares 756Took a midget in all unawares. 757 But he made members weep 758 For he just couldn't keep 759His nose out of private affairs. 760% 761A nurse motivated by spite 762Tied her infantine charge to a kite; 763 She launched it with ease 764 On the afternoon breeze, 765And watched till it flew out of sight. 766 -- Edward Gorey 767% 768A passionate red-haired girl 769When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, 770 And her twat would get wet, 771 And would wiggle and fret, 772And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. 773% 774A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux 775Fell in love with a dashing young beau. 776 To arrest his regard 777 She would squat in his yard 778And longingly pee in the sneaux. 779% 780A physical fellow named Fisk 781Could screw at a rate very brisk. 782 So fast was his action 783 The Fitzgerald contraction 784Would shrink up his rod to a disk. 785% 786A pious old woman named Tweak 787Had taught her vagina to speak. 788 It was frequently liable 789 To quote from the Bible, 790But when fucking -- not even a squeak! 791% 792A pious young lady named Finnegan 793Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; 794 So time it aright, 795 Make it last through the night, 796For I certainly don't want to sin again!" 797% 798A pious young lady of Chichester 799Made all of the saints in their niches stir 800 And each morning at matin 801 Her breast in pink satin 802Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. 803% 804A playful young chemist named Byrd 805Had an urge that could not be deferred. 806 So to irritate Knox 807 He shit in his sox, 808And plastered the walls with his turd. 809% 810A plumber whose name was John Brink 811Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. 812 Her resistance was stout, 813 And John Brink petered out, 814With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. 815% 816A pretty wife living in Tours 817Demanded her daily amour. 818 But the husband said, "No! 819 It's to much. Let it go! 820My backsides are dragging the floor." 821% 822A pretty young boy known as Kevin 823Was raped in a pasture by seven 824 Lascivious beasts 825 (Oh, those Anglican priests) 826And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. 827% 828A pretty young lady named Vogel 829Once sat herself down on a molehill. 830 A curious mole 831 Nosed into her hole -- 832Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 833% 834A pretty young maiden from France 835Decided she'd "just take a chance." 836 She let herself go 837 For an hour or so, 838And now all her sisters are aunts. 839% 840A princess who lived near a bog 841Met a prince in the form of a frog. 842 Now she and her prince 843 Are the parents of quints, 844Four boys and one fine polliwog. 845% 846A princess who reigned in Baroda 847Made her home on a purple pagoda. 848 She festooned the walls 849 Of her halls with the balls 850And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. 851% 852A programmer down in Moline 853Said, I'm the match for any machine. 854 My secret's aversion, 855 To loops and recursion, 856Just acres of in-line routine. 857 -- W.J. Wilson 858% 859A progressive professor named Winners 860Held classes each evening for sinners. 861 They were graded and spaced 862 So the vile and debased 863Would not be held back by beginners. 864% 865A rapist who reeked of cheap booze 866Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. 867 She cried, "I suppose 868 There's no time for my clothes, 869But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" 870% 871A rapturous young fellatrix 872One day was at work on five pricks. 873 With an unholy cry 874 She whipped out her glass eye: 875"Tell the boys I can now take on six." 876% 877A reckless young lady of France 878Had no qualms about taking a chance, 879 But she thought it was crude 880 To get screwed in the nude, 881So she always went home with damp pants. 882% 883A remarkable race are the Persians, 884They have such peculiar diversions. 885 They screw the whole day 886 In the regular way, 887And save up the nights for perversions. 888% 889A responsive young girl from the East 890In bed was an able artiste. 891 She had learned two positions 892 From family physicians, 893And ten more from the old parish priest. 894% 895A romantic attraction has clung 896To a chap of whom damsels have sung: 897 "'Tis the Scourge from the East, 898 That lascivious beast 899Who was known as Attila the Hung!" 900% 901A sailor who slept in the sun, 902Woke to find his fly buttons undone, 903 He remarked with a smile, 904 "Good grief, a sun-dial! 905And now it's a quarter-past one." 906% 907A savvy young hooker named Gail 908Got busted and lodged in the jail. 909 But the jailer got hot, 910 To be lodged in her twat, 911And so Gail made the bail with her tail. 912% 913A scandal involving an oyster 914Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister 915 She preferred it, in bed, 916 To the count (so she said) 917'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. 918% 919A scream from the crypt of St. Giles 920Resounded for miles upon miles. 921 Said the friar, "Good gracious, 922 The brother Ignatious 923Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." 924% 925A seafaring hacker named Slatey 926Went to bed with a VAX/780. 927 The thing's learned to swear 928 With a nautical air, 929And refers to its users as "matey". 930% 931A sex-loving coed named Bree 932Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. 933 The joystick, she found, 934 Had been fooling around 935With a neighboring student's PC. 936% 937A silly young man from Hong Kong 938Had hands that were skinny and long. 939 He ate rice with his fingers-- 940 The taste of it lingers, 941But now all his fingers are gone. 942% 943A slick talking pirate named Bruce 944To steal code, had a plan to seduce 945 An Apple II+. 946 Now Bruce wears a truss 947And was jailed for computer abuse. 948% 949A software technician from Digital 950Had hardware extremely prodigical. 951 It's rumoured, I hear, 952 That when he was near 953He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. 954% 955A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, 956Made love to a lovely girl sentry. 957 She started to pout, 958 Because it fell out, 959But the mission was saved by re-entry. 960% 961A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, 962His moment of sexual truth. 963 He'd expected to fall 964 On a womb's spongy wall 965But was dashed to his death on a tooth. 966% 967A spinster in Kalamazoo 968Once strolled after dark by the zoo. 969 She was seized by the nape, 970 And fucked by an ape, 971And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." 972 973And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, 974But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry 975 A man with a prick 976 Half as stiff and as thick 977As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." 978% 979A spunky young schoolboy named Fred 980Used to toss off each night while in bed. 981 Said his mother, "Dear lad, 982 That's exceedingly bad-- 983Jump in here with your mama instead." 984% 985A starship commander named Kirk 986Emerged from his cabin berserk. 987 He grabbed a girl yeoman 988 Beneath the abdomen, 989And gave her a physical jerk. 990% 991A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, 992Was having a captive, a person 993 Who was not averse 994 Though she had the curse, 995And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. 996% 997A structured programmer named Drew 998Was intensely turned on by "goto". 999 When he saw it in code 1000 He'd shoot off his load. 1001It's a good thing his shop used so few. 1002% 1003A studious professor named Nestor 1004Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. 1005 But she drained out his balls 1006 And skipped up the walls, 1007Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. 1008% 1009A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1010Went down on her beau in the garden. 1011 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1012 Don't swallow that mess!" 1013And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1014% 1015A systems programmer named Sprotic 1016Found his software intensely erotic. 1017 In jealous distress 1018 He wiped his OS. 1019It's possible that he's psychotic. 1020% 1021A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, 1022Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. 1023 While the man detumesced 1024 She still spent on with zest, 1025Her rapture sheer anachronism. 1026% 1027A team playing baseball in Dallas 1028Called the umpire blind out of malice. 1029 While this worthy had fits 1030 The team made eight hits 1031And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1032% 1033A teenage protester named Lil 1034Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill 1035 First they bugged our martinis, 1036 Our bras and bikinis, 1037And now they are bugging the pill." 1038% 1039A thrice-married gal from L.A. 1040Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, 1041 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, 1042 The voyeur only gawked at it, 1043And my most recent man's a gourmet." 1044% 1045A tidy young lady of Streator 1046Dearly loved to nibble a peter. 1047 She always would say, 1048 "I prefer it this way. 1049I think it is very much neater." 1050% 1051A timid young woman named Jane 1052Found parties a terrible strain; 1053 With movements uncertain 1054 She'd hide in a curtain 1055And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. 1056 -- Edward Gorey 1057% 1058A tired young trollop of Nome 1059Was worn out from her toes to her dome. 1060 Eight miners came screwing, 1061 But she said, "Nothing doing; 1062One of you has to go home!" 1063% 1064A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 1065Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 1066 The result of this fuck 1067 Was a three titted duck, 1068A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 1069% 1070A tutor who tooted a flute 1071Tried to tutor two tutors to toot 1072 Said the two to the tutor: 1073 "Is it harder to toot or 1074To tutor two tutors to toot" 1075% 1076A vengeful technician named Schmitz 1077Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. 1078 He covered the platter 1079 With bats' fecal matter. 1080Now it's seek time is really the pits. 1081% 1082A very intelligent turtle 1083Found programming UNIX a hurdle 1084 The system, you see, 1085 Ran as slow as did he, 1086And that's not saying much for the turtle. 1087% 1088A very odd pair are the Pitts: 1089His balls are as large as her tits, 1090 Her tits are as large 1091 As an invasion barge-- 1092Neither knows how the other cohabits. 1093% 1094A wanton young lady from Wimley 1095Reproached for not acting quite primly 1096 Said, "Heavens above! 1097 I know sex isn't love, 1098But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 1099% 1100A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1101She used it for many a bunt. 1102 But the unlucky wench 1103 Got it caught in her trench --- 1104It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1105To get the thing out of her cunt. 1106% 1107A weary old lecher named Blott 1108Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. 1109 Too lazy to rape her, 1110 He made darts out of paper, 1111Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. 1112% 1113A whimsical fellow named Bloch 1114Could beat the base drum with his cock. 1115 With a special erection 1116 He could play a selection 1117From Johann Sebastian Bach. 1118% 1119A wicked stone cutter named Cary 1120Drilled holes in divine statuary. 1121 With eyes full of malice 1122 He pulled out his phallus, 1123And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. 1124% 1125A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket 1126Had a hole as big as a basket. 1127 A spot, as a bride, 1128 In it now, you could hide, 1129And include with your luggage your mascot. 1130% 1131A widow whose singular vice 1132Was to keep her late husband on ice 1133 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- 1134 I'll never defrost him! 1135Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." 1136% 1137A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1138His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1139 He can take in his beak 1140 Enough food for a week. 1141I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1142% 1143A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, 1144Renowned for the length of their peenies. 1145 The hair on their balls 1146 Sweeps the floors of their halls, 1147But they don't look at women, the meanies. 1148% 1149A wood-fetish busboy named Gable 1150Is rapid, is thorough, is able; 1151 But when everything's cleared, 1152 He gives way to the weird, 1153As he lovingly busses each table. 1154% 1155A worn-out young husband named Lehr 1156Heard daily his wife's plaintive prayer: 1157 "Slip on a sheath, quick, 1158 Then slip your big dick 1159Between these lips covered with hair." 1160% 1161A worried young man from Stamboul 1162Discovered red spots on his tool. 1163 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1164 "Get out of my clinic 1165Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." 1166% 1167A young bride and groom of Australia 1168Remarked as they joined genitalia: 1169 "Though the system seems odd, 1170 We are thankful that God 1171Developed the genus Mammalia." 1172% 1173A young fellow discovered through Freud 1174That although of penis devoid, 1175 He could practice coitus 1176 By eating a foetus, 1177And his parents were quite overjoyed. 1178% 1179A young Juliet of St. Louis 1180On a balcony stood acting screwy. 1181 Her Romeo climbed, 1182 But he wasn't well timed, 1183And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! 1184% 1185A young lad named Lester McGraw 1186Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. 1187 As he watched him stick her 1188 He said, with a snicker, 1189"You do it much faster than Paw." 1190% 1191A young lady sat by the sea, 1192Just as proper as proper could be. 1193 A young fellow goosed her, 1194 And roughly seduced her, 1195So she thanked him and went home to tea. 1196% 1197A young lady who lived by the Usk 1198Subsisted each day on a rusk; 1199 She ate the first bite 1200 Before it was light, 1201And the last crumb sometime after dusk. 1202 -- Edward Gorey 1203% 1204A young lass got married at Chester; 1205Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. 1206 Said she, "You're in luck -- 1207 'E's a stunning good fuck, 1208For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." 1209% 1210A young maiden from France was no prude, 1211She decided to dive in the nude, 1212 But her buddy, behind, 1213 Went out of his mind, 1214When he noticed where she was tattooed. 1215% 1216A young man by a girl was desired 1217To give her the thrills she required, 1218 But he died of old age 1219 Ere his cock could assuage 1220The volcanic desire it inspired. 1221% 1222A young man from the banks of the Po 1223Found his cock had elongated so, 1224 That when he'd pee 1225 It was never he 1226But only his neighbors who'd know. 1227% 1228A young man grew increasingly peaky 1229In a house where the hinges were squeaky, 1230 The ferns curled up brown, 1231 The ceilings flaked down, 1232And all of the faucets were leaky. 1233 -- Edward Gorey 1234% 1235A young man maintained that his trigger 1236Was so big that there weren't any bigger. 1237 But this long and thick pud 1238 Was so heavy it could 1239Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. 1240% 1241A young man of acumen and daring, 1242Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, 1243 Was left quite alone 1244 When it soon became known 1245That their use at his board was unsparing. 1246 -- Edward Gorey 1247% 1248A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll 1249While bent over plucking a dingle 1250 Had the whole of Eisteddfod 1251 Taking turns at his pod 1252While they sang some impossible jingle. 1253% 1254A young man with passions quite gingery 1255Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. 1256 He slapped her behind 1257 And made up his mind 1258To add incest to insult and injury. 1259% 1260A young polo-player of Berkeley 1261Made love to his sweetheart berserkly. 1262 In the midst of each chukker 1263 He would break off and fuck her 1264Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. 1265% 1266There was a young lady from Rio 1267Who slept with the Fornier trio. 1268 As she dropped her panties 1269 She said, "No andantes, 1270I want this allegro con brio!" 1271% 1272A young wife in the outskirts of Reims 1273Preferred frigging to going to mass. 1274 Said her husband, "Take Jacques, 1275 Or any young cock, 1276For I cannot live up to your ass." 1277% 1278A young woman got married at Chester, 1279Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. 1280 Says she, "You're in luck, 1281 He's a stunning good fuck, 1282For I've had him myself down in Leicester." 1283% 1284According to experts, the oyster 1285In its shell - a crustacean cloister - 1286 May frequently be 1287 Either he or a she 1288Or both, if it should be its choice ter. 1289% 1290Alas for the Countess d'Isere, 1291Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. 1292 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" 1293 When he parted her thighs; 1294"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." 1295% 1296All the female apes ran from King Kong 1297For his dong was unspeakably long. 1298 But a friendly giraffe 1299 Quaffed his yard and a half, 1300And ecstatically burst into song. 1301% 1302An aesthete from South Carolina 1303Had a cock that tickled like China, 1304 But while shooting his load 1305 It cracked like old Spode, 1306So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. 1307% 1308An agreeable girl named Miss Doves 1309Likes to jack off the young men she loves. 1310 She will use her bare fist 1311 If the fellows insist 1312But she really prefers to wear gloves. 1313% 1314An AI researcher named Bluth 1315Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, 1316 Eroticon VI, 1317 Which he taught certain tricks 1318Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. 1319% 1320An amazon giantess named Dunne 1321Let a midget screw her for fun. 1322 But the poor little runt 1323 Was engulfed in her cunt 1324And re-born as the twin of his son. 1325% 1326An ambitious lady named Harriet 1327Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot 1328 By seventeen sailors 1329 A monk and three tailors, 1330Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. 1331% 1332An anonymous woman we knew 1333Was dozing one day in her pew; 1334 When the preacher yelled "Sin!" 1335 She said, "Count me in 1336As soon as the service is through." 1337% 1338An architect fellow named Yoric 1339Could, when feeling euphoric, 1340 Display for selection 1341 Three kinds of erection- 1342Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 1343% 1344An ardent young man named Magruder 1345Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. 1346 She thought it quite lewd 1347 To be wooed in the nude, 1348But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. 1349% 1350An Argentine gaucho named Bruno 1351Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. 1352 Women are fine 1353 And sheep are divine 1354But llamas are numero uno." 1355% 1356An ARPAnaut name of Corvette 1357Had a fetish involving the net. 1358 As he fondled his IMP 1359 His cock went from limp 1360To as hard as concrete which has set. 1361% 1362An arrogant wench from Salt Lake 1363Liked to tease all the boys on the make. 1364 She was finally the prize 1365 Of a man twice her size 1366And all she recalls is the ache. 1367% 1368An artist who lived in Australia 1369Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1370 The drawing was fine, 1371 The colour - divine, 1372The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1373% 1374An eager young hacker named Gus 1375Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1376 The hardware went bad, 1377 But not the young lad 1378(Except for the toupee and truss). 1379% 1380An Edwardian father named Udgeon, 1381Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, 1382 Used on Saturday nights 1383 To turn down the lights, 1384And chase them around with a bludgeon. 1385 -- Edward Gorey 1386% 1387An envious girl named McMeanus 1388Was jealous of her lover's big penis. 1389 It was small consolation 1390 That the rest of the nation 1391Of women were with her in weeness. 1392% 1393An exotic young lady named Suki 1394Once danced in a troupe of kabuki 1395 When asked for a fuck 1396 She said, "Solly, no luck-- 1397See here: looky looky, no nuki " 1398% 1399An impish young fellow named James 1400Had a passion for idiot games. 1401 He lighted the hair 1402 Of his lady's affair 1403And laughed as she pissed through the flames. 1404% 1405An impotent Scot named MacDougall 1406Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. 1407 He was gathering semen 1408 To gender a he-man, 1409By screwing his wife through a bugle. 1410% 1411An incautious young woman named Venn 1412Was seen with the wrong sort of men; 1413 She vanished one day, 1414 But the following May 1415Her legs were retrieved from a fen. 1416 -- Edward Gorey 1417% 1418An indefatigable woman named Bavel 1419Had often occasion to travel; 1420 On the way she would sit 1421 And furiously knit, 1422And on the way back she'd unravel. 1423 -- Edward Gorey 1424% 1425An ingenious young man in South Bend 1426Made a synthetic ass for a friend, 1427 But the friend shortly found 1428 Its construction unsound, 1429It was simply a bother -- no end. 1430% 1431An innocent maiden named Herridge 1432Was cruelly tricked into marriage; 1433 When she later found out 1434 What her spouse was about, 1435She threw herself under a carriage. 1436 -- Edward Gorey 1437% 1438An inquisitive virgin named Dora 1439Asked the man who started to bore 'er: 1440 "Do you mean birds and bees 1441 Go through antics like these, 1442To supply us our fauna and flora?" 1443% 1444An irate young lady named Booker 1445Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! 1446 If you want it queer ways, 1447 Go to whores for your lays!" 1448So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. 1449% 1450An octagenerian Jew 1451To his wife remained steadfastly true. 1452 This was not from compunction, 1453 But due to dysfunction 1454Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. 1455% 1456An old couple just at Shrovetide 1457Were having a piece -- when he died. 1458 The wife for a week 1459 Sat tight on his peak, 1460And bounced up and down as she cried. 1461% 1462An old electronic designer 1463Had designs on a minor named Dinah. 1464 He couldn't carry them out 1465 For his prick was too stout, 1466And too small was the minor's vagina. 1467% 1468An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings 1469Were a terrible trial to his siblings, 1470 But he was not removed 1471 Till one day it was proved 1472That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. 1473 -- Edward Gorey 1474% 1475An old maid who had a pet ape 1476Lived in fear of perpetual rape. 1477 His red, hairy phallus 1478 So filled her with malice 1479That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. 1480% 1481An old man at the Folies Bergere 1482Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: 1483 It snipped off a twat-curl 1484 From each new chorus girl, 1485And he had a wig made of the hair. 1486% 1487An organist playing in York 1488Had a prick that could hold a small fork, 1489 And between obbligatos 1490 He'd munch at tomatoes, 1491To keep up his strength while at work. 1492% 1493An orgasmic young sex star named Sue 1494Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. 1495 Her climatic fame spread 1496 With an ad blitz that said: 1497Coming soon at a theater near you! 1498% 1499An uptight young lady named Breerley 1500Who valued her morals too dearly 1501 Had sex, so I hear, 1502 Only once every year, 1503And she strained her vagina severely. 1504% 1505An earnest young woman in Thrace 1506Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" 1507 So he gave her a thwack, 1508 And did on her back, 1509What he couldn't have done face to face. 1510% 1511And then there's the story that's fraught 1512With disaster -- of balls that got caught, 1513 When a chap took a crap 1514 In the woods, and a trap 1515Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! 1516% 1517As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops 1518Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. 1519 Since he thinks it's effete 1520 To be beating his meat, 1521What he's into is licking his chops. 1522% 1523As he came in his chubby choirboy, 1524Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! 1525 If no sodomy levens 1526 And possible heavens, 1527Existence will merely annoy." 1528% 1529As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, 1530Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! 1531 I could not bear the loss, 1532 For with scarlet silk floss 1533My mama has embroidered their clocks." 1534 -- Edward Gorey 1535% 1536As tourists inspected the apse 1537An ominous series of raps 1538 Came from under the altar, 1539 Which caused some to falter 1540And others to shriek and collapse. 1541 -- Edward Gorey 1542% 1543Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, 1544"Do I sin if I do what I want, if 1545 I screw a young nun 1546 In the eastertide sun?" 1547His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." 1548% 1549At a contest for farting in Butte 1550One lady's exertion was cute: 1551 It won the diploma 1552 For fetid aroma, 1553And three judges were felled by the brute. 1554% 1555At a dance, a girl from Connecticut 1556Showed an absolute absence of etiquette 1557 Letting all comers press 1558 Through the skirt of her dress 1559And wiping the mess with her petticoat. 1560% 1561At the end of all civilization 1562Is the planet Terminus's location. 1563 There's a girl there whose feat, 1564 Without stone or concrete, 1565Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. 1566% 1567At the moment Japan declared war 1568A sailor was fucking a whore. 1569 He said, "After this poke 1570 `Long and hard' ain't no joke; 1571This means months 'til I get back ashore." 1572% 1573At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers 1574Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; 1575 It beats all night long 1576 A dirge on a gong 1577As it staggers about in the creepers. 1578 -- Edward Gorey 1579% 1580At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, 1581Though of love we are never penurious. 1582 Thanks to vulcanized aids, 1583 Though we may die old maids, 1584At least we shall never die curious. 1585% 1586At whist drives and strawberry teas 1587Fan would giggle and show off her knees; 1588 But when she was alone 1589 She'd drink eau de cologne, 1590And weep from a sense of unease. 1591 -- Edward Gorey 1592% 1593Augustus, for splashing his soup, 1594Was put for the night on the stoop; 1595 In the morning he'd not 1596 Repented a jot, 1597And next day he was dead of the croup. 1598 -- Edward Gorey 1599% 1600Back in the days of old Adam 1601The grass served as mattress for madam, 1602 And they spent the whole day 1603 On the sex that today 1604They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. 1605% 1606Each Friday his engines abort, 1607But Scotty is never caught short. 1608 He fills his machines 1609 With space-navy beans, 1610And farts the ship back into port. 1611% 1612Each night Father fills me with dread 1613When he sits on the foot of my bed; 1614 I'd not mind that he speaks 1615 In gibbers and squeaks, 1616But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1617 -- Edward Gorey 1618% 1619From deep in the crypt at St. Giles 1620Came a bellow that echoed for miles. 1621 Said the rector, "My gracious, 1622 Has Father Ignatius 1623Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" 1624% 1625From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, 1626There is really abominable news; 1627 They've discovered a head 1628 In the box for the bread, 1629But nobody seems to know whose. 1630 -- Edward Gorey 1631% 1632From the bathing machine came a din 1633As of jollification within; 1634 It was heard far and wide, 1635 And the incoming tide 1636Had a definite flavour of gin. 1637 -- Edward Gorey 1638% 1639"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" 1640Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. 1641 "Since dating Miss Baugh, 1642 My whole tongue has been raw-- 1643It must have been something I ate." 1644% 1645In the case of a lady named Frost, 1646Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, 1647 It's the best part of valor 1648 To bugger the gal, or 1649You're apt to fall in and get lost. 1650% 1651In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, 1652Complacently stroking his madam, 1653 And loud was his mirth 1654 For on all of the earth 1655There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. 1656% 1657It always delights me at Hank's 1658To walk up the old river banks. 1659 One time in the grass 1660 I stepped on an ass, 1661And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." 1662% 1663It had snowed, and the man in the drift, 1664Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" 1665 They sat in her Bentley, 1666 She fondled him gently, 1667And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! 1668% 1669The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- 1670No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. 1671 Where ten thousand virgins 1672 Succumbed to his urgin's 1673There now stands the great State of Utah. 1674% 1675The latest reports from Good Hope 1676State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, 1677 And fuck high, wide, and free, 1678 From the top of one tree 1679To the top of the next -- what a scope! 1680% 1681The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, 1682Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. 1683 Once Congress in session, 1684 Declared its suppression, 1685But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. 1686% 1687The limerick is furtive and mean; 1688You must keep her in close quarantine, 1689 Or she sneaks to the slums 1690 And promptly becomes 1691Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1692 -- Morris Bishop 1693% 1694The old archeologist, Throstle, 1695Discovered a marvelous fossil. 1696 He knew from its bend 1697 And the knot on the end, 1698T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 1699% 1700There was a young man from the Coast 1701Who had an affair with a ghost. 1702 At the height of orgasm 1703 Said the pallid phantasm, 1704"I think I can feel it -- almost!" 1705% 1706There once was a bishop from Birmingham 1707Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. 1708 As they knelt on the hassock 1709 He lifted his cassock 1710And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. 1711% 1712There once was a boy named Carruthers 1713Who was busily fucking his mother 1714 "I know it's a sin," 1715 He said, shoving it in, 1716"But it's better than blowing my brother." 1717% 1718There once was a chick named Longet, 1719Who went out to Aspen to play. 1720 Along came a Spyder, 1721 Who sat down beside her 1722And she blew the poor bastard away. 1723% 1724There once was a clergyman's daughter 1725Who detested the pony he bought her, 1726 Till she found that its dong 1727 Was as hard and as long 1728As the prayers her father had taught her. 1729 1730She married a fellow named Tony 1731Who soon found her fucking the pony. 1732 Said he, "What's it got, 1733 My dear, that I've not?" 1734Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." 1735% 1736There once was a couple named Kelley, 1737Who lived their life belly to belly. 1738 Because in their haste 1739 They used library paste, 1740Instead of petroleum jelly. 1741% 1742There once was a dentist named Stone 1743Who saw all his patients alone. 1744 In a fit of depravity 1745 He filled the wrong cavity, 1746And my, how his practice has grown! 1747% 1748There once was a Duchess of Beever 1749Who slept with her golden retriever. 1750 Said the potted old Duke: 1751 "Such tricks make me puke! 1752Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." 1753% 1754There once was a Duchess of Bruges 1755Whose cunt was incredibly huge. 1756 Said the king to this dame 1757 As he thunderously came: 1758"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" 1759% 1760There once was a fag of Khartoum 1761Who spent the night in a Lesbian's room. 1762 They argued all night, 1763 Over who had the right, 1764To do what, and with which, and to whom. 1765% 1766There once was a fairy named Avers 1767Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. 1768 Though buggers all claimed 1769 That their asses were maimed, 1770Sixty-niners all cheered the new flavors. 1771% 1772There once was a fellow named Bob 1773Who in sexual ways was a snob. 1774 One day he was swimmin' 1775 With twelve naked women 1776And deserted them all for a gob. 1777% 1778There once was a fellow named Brewster 1779Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, 1780 "It used to be grand 1781 But look at my hand 1782You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." 1783% 1784There once was a fellow named Howard, 1785Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, 1786 While grabbing some ass, 1787 He reached critical mass, 1788But think of the girl he deflowered! 1789% 1790There once was a fellow named Potts 1791Who was prone to having the trots 1792 But his humble abode 1793 Was without a commode 1794So his carpet was covered with spots. 1795% 1796There once was a fellow named Siegel 1797Who attempted to bugger a beagle, 1798 But the mettlesome bitch 1799 Turned and said with a twitch, 1800"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." 1801% 1802There once was a fencer named Fisk, 1803Whose speed was incredibly brisk. 1804 So fast was his action, 1805 The Fitzgerald contraction, 1806Foreshortened his foil to a disk. 1807% 1808There once was a fiesty young terrier 1809Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 1810 He'd yip and he'd yap, 1811 Then leap up and snap; 1812And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 1813% 1814There once was a floozie named Annie 1815Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: 1816 A buck for a fuck, 1817 Fifty cents for a suck, 1818And a dime for a feel of her fanny. 1819% 1820There once was a freshman named Lin, 1821Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 1822 A virgin named Joan 1823 From a bible belt home, 1824Said "This won't be much of a sin." 1825% 1826There once was a gangster named Brown 1827- the sneakiest bastard in town. 1828 He was caught by G-men 1829 Shooting his semen 1830Where the cops would slip and fall down. 1831% 1832There once was a gaucho named Bruno, 1833Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, 1834 Sheep are just fine, 1835 Chickens, divine, 1836But iguanas are Numero Uno." 1837% 1838There once was a gay young Parisian 1839Who screwed an appendix incision, 1840 And the girl of his choice 1841 Could hardly rejoice 1842At the horrible lack of precision. 1843% 1844There once was a girl from Cornell 1845Whose teats were shaped like a bell. 1846 When you touched them they shrunk, 1847 Except when she was drunk, 1848And then they got bigger than hell. 1849% 1850There once was a girl from Decatur, 1851Who got laid by a big alligator. 1852 Now nobody knew 1853 The result of that screw, 1854'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. 1855% 1856There once was a girl from Madras 1857Who had such a beautiful ass - 1858 It was not round and pink 1859 (As you bastards think) 1860But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 1861% 1862There once was a girl from Spokane, 1863Went to bed with a one-legged man. 1864 She said, "I know you-- 1865 You've really got two! 1866Why didn't you say so when we began?" 1867% 1868There once was a girl named Irene 1869Who lived on distilled kerosene 1870 But she started absorbin' 1871 A new hydrocarbon 1872And since then has never benzene. 1873% 1874There once was a girl named Louise 1875Who cunt hair hung down to her knees 1876 The crabs in her twat 1877 Tied the hairs in a knot 1878And constructed a flying trapeze 1879% 1880There once was a girl named Mcgoffin 1881Who was diddled amazingly often. 1882 She was rogered by scores 1883 Who'd been turned down by whores, 1884And was finally screwed in her coffin. 1885% 1886There once was a girl named Priscilla 1887Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. 1888 The taste was so fine 1889 Man and beast stood in line 1890(Including a stud armadilla). 1891% 1892There once was a girl so lovely, 1893Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, 1894 She strapped on her tanks, 1895 And started her pranks, 1896But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. 1897% 1898There once was a golfer named Leer, 1899Who got put in the clink for a year, 1900 For an action obscene, 1901 On the very first green. 1902Where the sign said "Enter course here." 1903% 1904There once was a gouty old colonel 1905Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, 1906 And he cried in his tiffin 1907 For his prick wouldn't stiffen, 1908And the size of the thing was infernal. 1909% 1910There once was a guardsman from Buckingham 1911Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. 1912 But when I meet boys, 1913 God! how I enjoys 1914Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." 1915% 1916There once was a hacker named Ken 1917Who inherited truckloads of Yen. 1918 So he built him some chicks, 1919 Of silicon chips, 1920And hasn't been heard from since then. 1921% 1922There once was a handsome young seaman 1923Who with ladies was really a demon. 1924 In peace or in war, 1925 At sea or on shore, 1926He could certainly dish out the semen. 1927% 1928There once was a horny old bitch 1929With a motorized self-frigger which 1930 She would use with delight 1931 All day long and all night - 1932Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. 1933% 1934There once was a horse named Lily 1935Whose dingus was really a dilly. 1936 It was vaginoid duply, 1937 And labial quadruply -- 1938In fact, he was really a filly. 1939% 1940There once was a husky young Viking 1941Whose sexual prowess was striking. 1942 Every time he got hot 1943 He would scour the twat 1944Of some girl that might be to his liking. 1945% 1946There once was a jolly old bloke 1947Who picked up a girl for a poke. 1948 He took down her pants, 1949 Fucked her into a trance, 1950And then shit into her shoe for a joke. 1951% 1952There once was a kiddie named Carr 1953Caught a man on top of his mar. 1954 As he saw him stick 'er, 1955 He said with a snicker, 1956"You do it much faster than par." 1957% 1958There once was a lady from Kansas 1959Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. 1960 It was nine inches deep 1961 And the sides were quite steep -- 1962It had whiskers like General Carranza's. 1963% 1964There once was a lady named Carter, 1965Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. 1966 She stripped off his pants, 1967 At his prick quickly glanced, 1968And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" 1969% 1970There once was a lady named Clair, 1971Who possessed a magnificent pair. 1972 Or that's what I thought, 1973 Till I saw one get caught, 1974On a thorn and begin losing air. 1975% 1976There once was a lady named Myrtle 1977Who had an affair with a turtle. 1978 She had crabs, so they say, 1979 In a year and a day 1980Which proved that that turtle was fertile. 1981% 1982There once was a lawyer named Rex 1983With minuscule organs of sex. 1984 Arraigned for exposure, 1985 He maintained with composure, 1986"De minimis non curat lex." 1987 1988 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] 1989% 1990There once was a lifeguard named Lee 1991Who rescued a girl from the sea 1992 She asked how to pay, 1993 And he said "Try this way, 1994Go down for the third time on me." 1995% 1996There once was a maid from Mobile 1997Whose cunt was made of blue steel. 1998 She only got thrills 1999 From pneumatic drills 2000And an off-centered emery wheel. 2001% 2002There once was a man from Bombay 2003He would do it all night and all day 2004 He soon became sore 2005 You shoulda' heard him roar 2006When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! 2007% 2008There once was a man from Calcutta 2009Who used to beat off in the gutta 2010 The heat of the sun 2011 Affected his gun 2012And turned all his cream into butta! 2013% 2014There once was a man from Dunoon, 2015Who always ate soup with a fork. 2016 He said "When I eat 2017 Either fish, foul or flesh, 2018I otherwise finish too quick." 2019% 2020There once was a man from Nantucket 2021Who kept all his cash in a bucket. 2022 His daughter, named Nan, 2023 Ran away with a man, 2024And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 2025 2026The pair of them went to Manhasset, 2027(Nan and the man with the asset.) 2028 Pa followed them there, 2029 But they left in a tear, 2030And as for the asset, Manhasset. 2031 2032Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, 2033(Nan and the man with the bucket.) 2034 Pa said to the man, 2035 "You're welcome to Nan." 2036But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. 2037% 2038There once was a man from Racine, 2039Who invented a screwing machine. 2040 Both concave and convex, 2041 It could please either sex, 2042But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 2043% 2044There once was a man from Sandem 2045Who was making his girl on a tandem. 2046 At the peak of the make 2047 She jammed on the brake 2048And scattered his semen at random. 2049% 2050There once was a man from Sydney 2051Who could put it up to her kidney. 2052 But the man from Quebec 2053 Put it up to her neck; 2054He had a big one, now didn't he? 2055% 2056There once was a man named McGruder, 2057Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. 2058 But the girl thought it crude, 2059 To be wooed in the nude, 2060So McGru took an oar and subduder. 2061% 2062There once was a man named McSweeny 2063Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney 2064 So just to be couth 2065 He added vermouth 2066And slipped his best girl a martini. 2067% 2068There once was a man named Parridge 2069With peculiar views on marriage. 2070 He sucked off his brother, 2071 Fucked his own mother, 2072And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. 2073% 2074There once was a man with a hernia 2075Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, 2076 When you work on my middle 2077 Be sure you don't fiddle 2078With things that do not concern ya." 2079% 2080There once was a member of Mensa 2081Who was a most excellent fencer. 2082 The sword that he used 2083 Was his -- (line is refused, 2084And has now been removed by the censor). 2085% 2086There once was a miner named Dave, 2087Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 2088 She was ugly as shit, 2089 And missing one tit, 2090But think of the money he saves. 2091% 2092There once was a monk of Camyre 2093Who was seized with a carnal desire 2094 And the primary cause 2095 Was the abbess's drawers 2096Which were hung up to dry by the fire. 2097% 2098There once was a newspaper vendor, 2099A person of dubious gender. 2100 He would charge one-and-two 2101 For permission to view 2102His remarkable double pudenda. 2103% 2104There once was a plumber from Leigh 2105Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. 2106 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 2107 I think someone's coming!" 2108Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." 2109% 2110There once was a pretty young Mrs. 2111Whose tearful but short story thrs. 2112 Her mind lost its grasp - 2113 Now she thinks she's an asp 2114And just sits in the corner and hrs. 2115% 2116There once was a queen of Bulgaria 2117Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 2118 Till a prince from Peru 2119 Who came up for a screw 2120Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 2121% 2122There once was a reverend at Kings 2123Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. 2124 But his heart was on fire 2125 For a boy in the choir 2126Whose buns were like jelly on springs. 2127% 2128There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel 2129Who said, "They can all go to hell! 2130 What they do to my wife -- 2131 Why it ruins my life; 2132And the worst is they all do it well." 2133% 2134There once was a sailor named Gasted, 2135A swell guy, as long as he lasted, 2136 He could jerk himself off 2137 In a basket, aloft, 2138Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. 2139% 2140There once was a Scot named McAmeter 2141With a tool of prodigious diameter. 2142 But it wasn't the size 2143 That caused such surprise; 2144'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 2145% 2146There once was a son-of-a-bitch, 2147Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, 2148 Yet the girls he would dazzle, 2149 And fuck to a frazzle, 2150And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! 2151% 2152There once was a spaceman named Spock 2153Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. 2154 A girl from Missouri 2155 Whose name was Uhura 2156Just fainted away from the shock. 2157% 2158There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, 2159Discovered his sex life was hapless: 2160 The more he would screw 2161 The more he'd want to, 2162And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. 2163% 2164There once was a Usenetter named Mark, 2165Whose gender was kept in the dark. 2166 He/she/it said with a nod, 2167 "My ancestors were odd!" 2168Did Noah need two for the ark? 2169% 2170There once was a whore from Regina 2171Who had a stupendous vagina. 2172 To save herself time, 2173 She had six at a time, 2174And another one working behind her. 2175% 2176There once was a woman from Arden 2177Who sucked off a man in a garden. 2178 He said, "My dear Flo, 2179 Where does all that stuff go?" 2180And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" 2181% 2182There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield 2183Engaged to look after the deacon's field, 2184 But he lurked in the ditches 2185 And diddled the bitches 2186Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. 2187% 2188There once was a young girl from Natches 2189Who chanced to be born with two snatches 2190 She often said, "Shit! 2191 I'd give either tit 2192For a guy with equipment that matches." 2193% 2194There once was a young man from Boston 2195Who drove around town in an Austin, 2196 There was room for his ass, 2197 And a gallon of gas, 2198So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. 2199% 2200There once was a young man from France 2201Who waited ten years for his chance; 2202Then he muffed it... 2203% 2204There once was a young man from Yuma 2205Who attempted sex with a puma 2206 He gave up real quick 2207 Minus nose, toes, and prick 2208In obvious pain and ill huma. 2209% 2210There once was a young man from Yuma, 2211Who told an elephant joke to a puma. 2212 Now his dry bleached bones lie, 2213 Under hot Asian skies, 2214'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. 2215% 2216There once was a young man named Clyde 2217Who fell in an outhouse, and died. 2218 He had a twin brother 2219 Who fell in another 2220And now they're interred side by side. 2221% 2222There once was a young man named Lancelot 2223Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot 2224 For when he should pass 2225 A desirable lass 2226The front of his pants would advance a lot. 2227% 2228There once was an Arpanet freak, 2229Who better response-time did seek. 2230 He searched coast to coast, 2231 For a reliable host, 2232Whose logger took less than a week. 2233% 2234There once was an old man from Esser, 2235Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 2236 It at last grew so small, 2237 He knew nothing at all, 2238And now he's a College Professor. 2239% 2240There once were two brothers named Luntz 2241Who buggered each other at once. 2242 When asked to account 2243 For this intricate mount, 2244They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." 2245% 2246There was a bluestocking in Florence 2247Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 2248 Till a Spanish grandee, 2249 Got her off with his knee, 2250And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 2251% 2252There was a family named Doe, 2253An ideal family to know. 2254 As father screwed mother, 2255 She said, "You're heavier than brother." 2256And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" 2257% 2258There was a fat lady of China 2259Who'd a really enormous vagina, 2260 And when she was dead 2261 They painted it red, 2262And used it for docking a liner. 2263% 2264There was a fat man from Rangoon 2265Whose prick was much like a balloon. 2266 He tried hard to ride her 2267 And when finally inside her 2268She thought she was pregnant too soon. 2269% 2270There was a gay countess of Bray, 2271And you may think it odd when I say, 2272 That in spite of high station, 2273 Rank and education, 2274She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2275% 2276There was a gay dog from Ontario 2277Who fancied himself a Lothario. 2278 At a wench's glance 2279 He'd snatch off his pants 2280And make for her Mons Venerio. 2281% 2282There was a gay parson of Norton 2283Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. 2284 To make up for this loss, 2285 He had balls like a horse, 2286And never spent less than a quartern. 2287% 2288There was a gay parson of Tooting 2289Whose roe he was frequently shooting, 2290 Till he married a lass 2291 With a face like my arse, 2292And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. 2293% 2294There was a lewd fellow named Duff 2295Who loved to dive deep in the muff. 2296 With his head in a whirl 2297 He said, "Spread it, Pearl; 2298I cunt get enough of the stuff!" 2299% 2300There was a man from Mich. 2301Who used to wish and wich. 2302 That spring would come 2303 So he could bum 2304Around and go out fich. 2305% 2306There was a pianist named Liszt 2307Who played with one hand while he pissed, 2308 But as he grew older 2309 His technique grew bolder, 2310And in concert jacked off with his fist. 2311% 2312There was a poor parson from Goring, 2313Who made a small hole in his flooring, 2314 Fur-lined it all round, 2315 Then laid on the ground, 2316And declared it was cheaper than whoring. 2317% 2318There was a strong man of Drumrig 2319Who one day did seven times frig. 2320 He buggered three sailors, 2321 Four dogs and two tailors, 2322And ended by fucking a pig. 2323% 2324There was a teenager named Donna 2325Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." 2326 Two days out of three 2327 She would shoot LSD, 2328And on weekends she smoked marijuana. 2329% 2330There was a young belle of old Natchez 2331Whose garments were always in patchez. 2332 When comment arose 2333 On the state of her clothes 2334She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." 2335% 2336There was a young blade from South Greece 2337Whose bush did so greatly increase 2338 That before he could shack 2339 He must hunt needle in stack. 2340'Twas as bad as being obese. 2341% 2342There was a young bride, a Canuck, 2343Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. 2344 You say that I, maybe, 2345 Can have my first baby-- 2346Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" 2347% 2348There was a young bride of Antigua 2349Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" 2350 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! 2351 Why, you've only felt my twot, 2352My legs and my arse and my figua!" 2353% 2354There was a young chap in Arabia 2355Who courted a widow named Fabia. 2356 "Yes, my tongue is as long 2357 As the average man's dong," 2358He said, licking the lips of her labia. 2359% 2360There was a young cook with the art 2361Of making a delicious tart 2362 With a handful of shit, 2363 Some snot and some spit, 2364And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. 2365% 2366There was a young curate whose brain 2367Was deranged from the use of cocaine; 2368 He lured a small child 2369 To a copse dark and wild, 2370Where he beat it to death with his cane. 2371 -- Edward Gorey 2372% 2373There was a young damsel named Baker 2374Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. 2375 He yelled, "My God! what 2376 Do you call this -- a twat? 2377Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" 2378% 2379There was a young dolly named Molly 2380Who thought that to frig was a folly. 2381 Said she, "Your pee-pee 2382 Means nothing to me, 2383But I'll do it just to be jolly." 2384% 2385There was a young fellow from Cal., 2386In bed with a passionate gal. 2387 He leapt from the bed, 2388 To the toilet he sped; 2389Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" 2390% 2391There was a young fellow from Florida 2392Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. 2393 When they got into bed 2394 He cried, "God strike me dead! 2395This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" 2396% 2397There was a young fellow from Leeds 2398Who swallowed a package of seeds. 2399 Great tufts of grass 2400 Sprouted out of his ass 2401And his balls were all covered with weeds. 2402% 2403There was a young fellow from Parma 2404Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. 2405 Said the damsel demure, 2406 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, 2407But I must say you fuck like a farmer." 2408% 2409There was a young fellow name Tucker 2410Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, 2411 Said, "Don't bow out your lips 2412 Like an elephant's hips, 2413The boys like it best when they pucker." 2414% 2415There was a young fellow named Ades 2416Whose favorite fruit was young maids. 2417 But sheep, nigger boys, whores, 2418 And the knot holes in doors 2419Were by no means exempt from his raids. 2420% 2421There was a young fellow named Babbitt 2422Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, 2423 But a girl from Johore 2424 Could do it twice more, 2425Which was just enough extra to crab it. 2426% 2427There was a young fellow named Bill, 2428Who took an atomic pill, 2429 His navel corroded, 2430 His asshole exploded, 2431And they found his nuts in Brazil. 2432% 2433There was a young fellow named Blaine, 2434And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2435 She was ugly and smelly 2436 With an awful pot-belly, 2437But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2438% 2439There was a young fellow named Bliss 2440Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 2441 For even with Venus 2442 His recalcitrant penis 2443Would never do better than t 2444 h 2445 i 2446 s 2447 . 2448% 2449There was a young fellow named Bowen 2450Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. 2451 It grew so tremendous, 2452 So long and so pendulous, 2453'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. 2454% 2455There was a young fellow named Brewer 2456Whose girl made her home in a sewer. 2457 Thus he, the poor soul, 2458 Could get into her hole, 2459And still not be able to screw her! 2460% 2461There was a young fellow named Case 2462Who entered a cunt-lapping race. 2463 He licked his way clean 2464 Through Number thirteen, 2465But then slipped and got pissed in the face. 2466% 2467There was a young fellow named Charteris 2468Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. 2469 Said she, "I don't mind, 2470 And higher up you'll find 2471The place where my fucker and farter is." 2472% 2473There was a young fellow named Cribbs 2474Whose cock was so big it had ribs. 2475 They were inches apart, 2476 And to suck it took art, 2477While to fuck it took forty-two trips. 2478% 2479There was a young fellow named dick 2480Who had a magnificent prick. 2481 It was shaped like a prism 2482 And shot so much gism 2483It made every cocksucker sick. 2484% 2485There was a young fellow named Feeney 2486Whose girl was a terrible meany. 2487 The hatch of her snatch 2488 Had a catch that would latch 2489- She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2490% 2491There was a young fellow named Fletcher, 2492Was reputed an infamous lecher. 2493 When he'd take on a whore 2494 She'd need a rebore, 2495And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. 2496% 2497There was a young fellow named Fyfe 2498Whose marriage was ruined for life, 2499 For he had an aversion 2500 To every perversion, 2501And only liked fucking his wife. 2502 2503Well, one year the poor woman struck, 2504And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, 2505 And said, "Where have you gotten us 2506 With your goddamn monotonous 2507Fuck after fuck after fuck? 2508 2509"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- 2510And a versatile girl she was, too. 2511 After ten years of whoredom 2512 She perished of boredom 2513When she married a jackass like you!" 2514% 2515There was a young fellow named Gene 2516Who first picked his asshole quite clean. 2517 He next picked his toes, 2518 And lastly his nose, 2519And he never did wash in between. 2520% 2521There was a young fellow named Gluck 2522Who found himself shit out of luck. 2523 Though he petted and wooed, 2524 When he tried to get screwed 2525He found virgins just don't give a fuck. 2526% 2527There was a young fellow named Goody 2528Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? 2529 If he found himself nude 2530 With a gal in the mood 2531The question's not woody but could he? 2532% 2533There was a young fellow named Grant 2534Who was made like the sensitive plant. 2535 When they asked "Do you fuck?" 2536 He replied, "No such luck. 2537I would if I could, but I can't." 2538% 2539There was a young fellow named Grimes 2540Who fucked his girl seventeen times 2541 In the course of a week -- 2542 And this isn't to speak 2543Of assorted venereal crimes. 2544% 2545There was a young fellow named Harry, 2546Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. 2547 He grabbed him a virgin, 2548 Who, without any urgin', 2549Immediately spread like a fairy. 2550% 2551There was a young fellow named Hatch 2552Who was fond of the music of Bach. 2553 He said: "It's not fussy 2554 Like Brahms and Debussy; 2555Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." 2556% 2557There was a young fellow named Kimble 2558Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, 2559 But fragile and slender, 2560 And dainty and tender, 2561So he kept it encased in a thimble. 2562% 2563There was a young fellow named Meek 2564Who invented a lingual technique. 2565 It drove women frantic, 2566 And made them romantic, 2567And wore all the hair off his cheek. 2568% 2569There was a young fellow named Morgan 2570Who possessed an unusual organ: 2571 The end of his dong, 2572 Which was nine inches long, 2573Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. 2574% 2575There was a young fellow named Paul 2576Who confessed, "I have only one ball. 2577 But the size of my prick 2578 Is God's dirtiest trick, 2579For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" 2580% 2581There was a young fellow named Pell 2582Who didn't like cunt very well. 2583 He would finger or fuck one, 2584 But never would suck one-- 2585He just couldn't get used to the smell. 2586% 2587There was a young fellow named Price 2588Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. 2589 He had virgins and boys 2590 And mechanical toys, 2591And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! 2592% 2593There was a young fellow named Prynne 2594Whose prick was so short and so thin, 2595 His wife found she needed 2596 A Fuckoscope -- she did -- 2597To see if he'd gotten it in. 2598% 2599There was a young fellow named Skinner 2600Who took a young lady to dinner 2601 At a quarter to nine, 2602 They sat down to dine, 2603At twenty to ten it was in her. 2604The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. 2605 2606There was a young fellow named Tupper 2607Who took a young lady to supper. 2608 At a quarter to nine, 2609 They sat down to dine, 2610And at twenty to ten it was up her. 2611Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! 2612% 2613There was a young fellow named Sweeney, 2614Whose girl was a terrible meanie, 2615 The hatch of her snatch, 2616 Had a catch that would latch, 2617She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2618% 2619There was a young fellow of Burma 2620Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. 2621 But now that he's married he's 2622 Been using cantharides 2623And the root of their love is much firmer. 2624% 2625There was a young fellow of Greenwich 2626Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 2627 He had such a tool 2628 It was wound on a spool, 2629And he reeled it out inich by inich. 2630 2631But this tale has an unhappy finich, 2632For due to the sand in the spinach 2633 His ballocks grew rough 2634 And wrecked his wife's muff, 2635And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. 2636% 2637There was a young fellow of Harrow 2638Whose john was the size of a marrow. 2639 He said to his tart, 2640 "How's this for a start? 2641My balls are outside in a barrow." 2642% 2643There was a young fellow of Kent 2644Whose prick was so long that it bent, 2645 So to save himself trouble 2646 He put it in double, 2647And instead of coming he went. 2648% 2649There was a young fellow of Mayence 2650Who fucked his own arse in defiance 2651 Not only of custom 2652 And morals, dad-bust him, 2653But of most of the known laws of science. 2654% 2655There was a young fellow of Perth 2656Whose balls were the finest on earth. 2657 They grew to such size 2658 That one won a prize, 2659And goodness knows what they were worth. 2660% 2661There was a young fellow of Strensall 2662Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. 2663 On the night of his wedding 2664 It went through the bedding, 2665And shattered the chamber utensil. 2666% 2667There was a young fellow of Warwick 2668Who had reason for feeling euphoric, 2669 For he could by election 2670 Have triune erection: 2671Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. 2672% 2673There was a young fellow whose dong 2674Was prodigiously massive and long. 2675 On each side of his whang 2676 Two testes did hang 2677That attracted a curious throng. 2678% 2679There was a young German named Ringer 2680Who was screwing an opera singer. 2681 Said he with a grin, 2682 "Well, I've sure got it in!" 2683Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" 2684% 2685There was a young girl from Annista 2686Who dated a lecherous mister. 2687 He fondled her titty, 2688 Got one finger shitty, 2689Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. 2690% 2691There was a young girl from Decatur 2692Who was raped by an alligator. 2693 But no one quite knew 2694 How she relished that screw, 2695For after he screwed her, he ate her. 2696% 2697There was a young girl from Dundee, 2698From her fanny there grew a plum tree. 2699 No one ate the nice fruit, 2700 To tell you the truth, 2701Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. 2702% 2703There was a young girl from Hong Kong 2704Who said, "You are utterly wrong 2705 To say my vagina 2706 Is the largest in China 2707Just because of your mean little dong." 2708% 2709There was a young girl from Hong Kong 2710Whose cervical cap was a gong. 2711 She said with a yell, 2712 As a shot rang her bell, 2713"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 2714% 2715There was a young girl from Medina 2716Who could completely control her vagina. 2717 She could twist it around 2718 Like the cunts that are found 2719In Japan, Manchukuo and China. 2720% 2721There was a young girl from New York 2722Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. 2723 A woodpecker or two 2724 Made the grade it is true, 2725But it totally baffled the stork. 2726 2727Till along came a man who presented 2728A tool that was strangely indented. 2729 With a dizzying twirl 2730 He punctured that girl, 2731And thus was the cork-screw invented. 2732% 2733There was a young girl from Peru, 2734Who had nothing whatever to do. 2735 So she sat on the stairs, 2736 And counted cunt hairs, 2737Four thousand, three hundred and two. 2738% 2739There was a young girl from Peru, 2740Who noticed her lovers were few; 2741 So she walked out her door 2742 With a fig leaf, no more, 2743And now she's in bed - with the flu. 2744% 2745There was a young girl from Samoa 2746Who pledged that no man would know her. 2747 One young fellow tried, 2748 But she wriggled aside, 2749And he spilled all his spermatozoa. 2750% 2751There was a young girl from Seattle, 2752Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. 2753 But a bull from the South 2754 Shot a wad in her mouth 2755That made both her ovaries rattle. 2756% 2757There was a young girl from Siam 2758Who said to her boyfriend Priam, 2759 "To seduce me, of course, 2760 You'll have to use force, 2761And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. 2762% 2763There was a young girl from St. Cyr 2764Whose reflex reactions were queer. 2765 Her escort said, "Mable, 2766 Get up off the table; 2767That money's to pay for the beer." 2768% 2769There was a young girl from St. Paul 2770Who went to a newspaper ball. 2771 Her dress caught on fire 2772 And burnt her entire 2773Front page and sport section and all. 2774% 2775There was a young girl from the Bronix 2776Who had a vagina of onyx. 2777 She had so much `tsoris' 2778 With her clitoris, 2779She traded it in for a Packard. 2780% 2781There was a young girl from the coast 2782Who, just when she needed it most, 2783 Lost her Kotex and bled 2784 All over the bed, 2785And the head and the beard of her host. 2786% 2787There was a young girl in Berlin 2788Who eked out a living through sin. 2789 She didn't mind fucking, 2790 But much preferred sucking, 2791And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. 2792% 2793There was a young girl in Berlin 2794Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. 2795 Though he diddled his best, 2796 And fucked her with zest, 2797She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" 2798% 2799There was a young girl in Dakota 2800Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: 2801 "In addition to gas 2802 We are rationing ass, 2803And you've greatly exceeded your quota." 2804% 2805There was a young girl name McKnight 2806Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. 2807 She came to in bed, 2808 With a split maidenhead-- 2809That's the last time she ever was tight. 2810% 2811There was a young girl named Ann Heuser 2812Who swore that no man could surprise her. 2813 But Pabst took a chance, 2814 Found a Schlitz in her pants, 2815And now she is sadder Budweiser. 2816% 2817There was a young girl named Heather 2818Whose twitcher was made out of leather. 2819 She made a queer noise, 2820 Which attracted the boys, 2821By flapping the edges together. 2822% 2823There was a young girl named McCall 2824Whose cunt was exceedingly small, 2825 But the size of her anus 2826 Was something quite heinous -- 2827It could hold seven pricks and one ball. 2828% 2829There was a young girl named O'Clare 2830Whose body was covered with hair. 2831 It was really quite fun 2832 To probe with one's gun, 2833For her quimmy might be anywhere. 2834% 2835There was a young girl named O'Malley 2836Who wanted to dance in the ballet. 2837 She got roars of applause 2838 When she kicked off her drawers, 2839But her hair and her bush didn't tally. 2840% 2841There was a young girl named Sapphire 2842Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 2843 She said, "It's a sin, 2844 But now that it's in, 2845Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 2846% 2847There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 2848Who screwed every man that she kissed with. 2849 She tickled the balls 2850 Of the men in the halls, 2851And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. 2852% 2853There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 2854Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. 2855 The miller's sun, Jack, 2856 Laid her flat on her back, 2857And united the organs they pissed with. 2858% 2859There was a young girl of Angina 2860Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 2861 From the love-making frock 2862 (With the proper sized cock) 2863Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. 2864% 2865There was a young girl of Asturias 2866With a penchant for practices curious. 2867 She loved to bat rocks 2868 With her gentlemen's cocks -- 2869A practice both rude and injurious. 2870% 2871There was a young girl of Batonger 2872who diddled herself with a conger, 2873 When asked how it feels 2874 To be pleasured by eels 2875She said, "Just like a man, only longer. 2876% 2877There was a young girl of Cah'lina, 2878Had a very capricious vagina: 2879 To the shock of the fucker 2880 "Twould suddenly pucker, 2881And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." 2882% 2883There was a young girl of Cape Cod 2884Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. 2885 But it wasn't Jehovah 2886 That turned the girl over, 2887'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, 2888 the bugger, the bastard, the sod! 2889% 2890There was a young girl of Cape Town 2891Who usually fucked with a clown. 2892 He taught her the trick 2893 Of sucking his prick, 2894And when it went up -- she went down. 2895% 2896There was a young girl of Coxsaxie 2897Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. 2898 She was fucked at the show 2899 In the twenty-third row, 2900And once more going home in the taxi. 2901% 2902There was a young girl of Darjeeling 2903Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 2904 There was never a sound 2905 For miles around 2906Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 2907% 2908There was a young girl of Des Moines 2909Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, 2910 Till a guy from Hoboken 2911 Went and dropped in a token, 2912And now she rides free on the ferry. 2913% 2914There was a young girl of Detroit 2915Who at fucking was very adroit: 2916 She could squeeze her vagina 2917 To a pin-point, or finer, 2918Or open it out like a quoit. 2919 2920And she had a friend named Durand 2921Whose cock could contract or expand. 2922 He could diddle a midge 2923 Or the arch of a bridge -- 2924Their performance together was grand! 2925% 2926There was a young girl of East Lynne 2927Whose mother, to save her from sin, 2928 Had filled up her crack, 2929 To the brim with shellac, 2930But the boys picked it out with a pin. 2931% 2932There was a young girl of Gibraltar 2933Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. 2934 It really seems odd 2935 That a virtuous God 2936Should answer her prayers and assault her. 2937% 2938There was a young girl of LLewellyn 2939Whose breasts were as big as a melon. 2940 They were big it is true, 2941 But her cunt was big too, 2942Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view 2943Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. 2944% 2945There was a young girl of Mobile, 2946Who hymen was made of chilled steel, 2947 To give her a thrill, 2948 Took a rotary drill, 2949Or a number nine emery wheel. 2950% 2951There was a young girl of Moline 2952Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. 2953 She would work on a prick 2954 With every known trick, 2955And finish by winking it clean. 2956% 2957There was a young girl of Newcastle 2958Whose charms were declared universal. 2959 While one man in front 2960 Wired into her cunt, 2961Another was engaged at her arsehole. 2962% 2963There was a young girl of Pawtucket 2964Whose box was as big as a bucket. 2965 Her boy-friend said, "Toots, 2966 I'll have to wear boots, 2967For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." 2968% 2969There was a young girl of Penzance 2970Who boarded a bus in a trance. 2971 The passengers fucked her, 2972 Likewise the conductor, 2973While the driver shot off in his pants. 2974% 2975There was a young girl of Pitlochry 2976Who was had by a man in a rockery. 2977 She said, "Oh! You've come 2978 All over my bum; 2979This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." 2980% 2981There was a young girl of Rangoon 2982Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. 2983 "Well, it has been great fun," 2984 She remarked when he'd done, 2985"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." 2986% 2987There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, 2988Whose people all thought her a virgin, 2989 Till they found her in bed 2990 With her twat very red, 2991And the head of a kid just emergin'. 2992% 2993There was a young girl, very sweet, 2994Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. 2995 When she sat on their lap 2996 She unbuttoned their flap, 2997And always had plenty to eat. 2998% 2999There was a young girl who begat 3000Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. 3001 It was fun in the breeding, 3002 But hell in the feeding, 3003When she found there was no tit for Tat. 3004% 3005There was a young harlot from Kew 3006Who filled her vagina with glue. 3007 She said with a grin, 3008 "If they pay to get in, 3009They'll pay to get out of it too." 3010% 3011There was a young harlot named Schwartz 3012Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, 3013 And they tickled so nice 3014 She drew a high price 3015From the studs at the summer resorts. 3016 3017Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, 3018Was seldom hard up for a diddle, 3019 For according to rumor 3020 His tool had a tumor 3021And a fine row of warts down the middle. 3022% 3023There was a young hayseed from Tiffan 3024Whose cock would constantly stiffen. 3025 The knob out in front 3026 Attracted foul cunt 3027Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. 3028% 3029There was a young idler named Blood, 3030Made a fortune performing at stud, 3031 With a fifteen-inch peter, 3032 A double-beat metre, 3033And a load like the Biblical Flood. 3034% 3035There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway 3036Whose screams could be heard for a block away. 3037 Perceiving his error, 3038 The Rabbi in terror 3039Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" 3040% 3041There was a young lad from Siam, 3042Whose sex life was caught in a jam. 3043 He loved them real small, 3044 'Cause they're funner to ball, 3045So he went out and bought him a lamb! 3046% 3047There was a young lad name of Durcan 3048Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3049 His father said, "Durcan! 3050 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 3051Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3052% 3053There was a young lad name of Ward 3054Who strung himself up with a cord 3055 Said he, of his work 3056 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) 3057"I am leaving because I am bored." 3058 - E.A. Guest 3059% 3060There was a young lad named McFee 3061Who was stung in the balls by a bee 3062 He made oodles of money 3063 By oozing pure honey 3064Every time he attempted to pee. 3065% 3066There was a young lady at sea 3067Who complained that it hurt her to pee. 3068 Said the brawny old mate, 3069 "That accounts for the state 3070Of the cook and the captain and me." 3071% 3072There was a young lady called Ciss 3073Who went to the river to piss. 3074 A young man in a punt 3075 Put his hand on her cunt; 3076No wonder she thought it was bliss. 3077% 3078There was a young lady from Bangor 3079Who slept while the ship lay at anchor 3080 She woke in dismay 3081 When she heard the mate say: 3082"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" 3083% 3084There was a young lady from Bristol 3085Who went to the Palace called Crystal. 3086 Said she, "It's all glass, 3087 And as round as my ass," 3088And she farted as loud as a pistol. 3089% 3090There was a young lady from Brussels 3091Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. 3092 She could easily plex them 3093 And so interflex them 3094As to whistle love songs through her bustles. 3095% 3096There was a young lady from Drew 3097Who ended her verse at line two. 3098% 3099There was a young lady from Dumfries 3100Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! 3101 My navel's all bare, 3102 So stick it in there, 3103Before both my legs and my bum freeze." 3104% 3105There was a young lady from Exeter, 3106So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 3107 One was even so brave 3108 As to take out and wave 3109The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 3110% 3111There was a young lady from Hyde 3112Who ate a green apple and died. 3113 While her lover lamented 3114 The apple fermented 3115And made cider inside her inside. 3116% 3117There was a young lady from Maine 3118Who claimed she had men on her brain. 3119 But you knew from the view, 3120 As her abdomen grew, 3121It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 3122% 3123There was a young lady from Munich 3124Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3125 At the height of their passion 3126 He dealt her a ration 3127From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. 3128% 3129There was a young lady from Norway 3130Who hung by her heels in a doorway. 3131 She told her young man, 3132 "Get off the divan, 3133I think I've discovered one more way" 3134% 3135There was a young lady from Prentice 3136Who had an affair with a dentist. 3137 To make things easier 3138 He used anesthesia, 3139And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. 3140% 3141There was a young lady from Rheims 3142Who amazingly pissed in four streams. 3143 A friend poked around 3144 And a fly-button found 3145Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. 3146% 3147There was a young lady from Siam 3148Who said to her lover, one Kiam, 3149 "You may kiss me of course, 3150 But you'll have to use force. 3151Though god knows you're stronger than I am." 3152% 3153There was a young lady from Spain 3154Who demurely undressed on a train. 3155 A helpful young porter 3156 Helped more than he orter, 3157And she promptly cried "Help me again" 3158% 3159There was a young lady from Spain 3160Who got sick as she rode on a train; 3161 Not once, but again, 3162 And again, and again, 3163And again, and again, and again. 3164% 3165There was a young lady from Spain 3166Whose face was exceedingly plain, 3167 But her cunt had a pucker 3168 That made the men fuck her, 3169Again, and again, and again. 3170% 3171There was a young lady from Troy 3172Had a moustache, just like a young boy 3173 Though it tickled to kiss 3174 'Twas a source of much bliss 3175When she used it to brush a man's toy. 3176% 3177There was a young lady from Wheeling 3178Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. 3179 But a cynic named Boris 3180 Just touched her clitoris 3181And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3182% 3183There was a young lady from Wheeling 3184Who had a peculiar feeling. 3185 She laid on her back 3186 And tickled her crack 3187And pissed all over the ceiling. 3188% 3189There was a young lady from Wooster 3190Who complained that too many men gooster. 3191 So she traded her scanties 3192 For sandpaper panties, 3193Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. 3194% 3195There was a young lady in Reno, 3196Who lost all her dough playing Keno. 3197 But she lay on her back, 3198 And opened her crack, 3199So now she owns the Casino! 3200% 3201There was a young lady named Alice 3202Who was known to have peed in a chalice. 3203 'Twas the common belief 3204 It was done for relief, 3205And not out of protestant malice. 3206% 3207There was a young lady named Astor 3208Who never let any get past her. 3209 She finally got plenty 3210 By stopping twenty, 3211Which certainly ought to last her. 3212% 3213There was a young lady named Banker, 3214Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, 3215 She woke in dismay, 3216 When she heard the mate say, 3217"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." 3218% 3219There was a young lady named Blount 3220Who had a rectangular cunt. 3221 She learned for diversion 3222 Posterior perversion, 3223Since no one could fit here in front. 3224% 3225There was a young lady named Bower 3226Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. 3227 But a poet from Perth 3228 Laid her flat on the earth, 3229And proceeded with penis to plough her. 3230% 3231There was a young lady named Brent 3232With a cunt of enormous extent, 3233 And so deep and so wide, 3234 The acoustics inside 3235Were so good you could hear when you spent. 3236% 3237There was a young lady named Bright 3238Who could travel much faster than light. 3239 She took off one day, 3240 In a relative way, 3241And returned on the previous night. 3242% 3243There was a young lady named Brook 3244Who never could learn how to cook. 3245 But on a divan 3246 She could please any man- 3247She knew every darn trick in the book! 3248% 3249There was a young lady named Cager 3250Who, as the result of a wager, 3251 Consented to fart 3252 The entire oboe part 3253Of Mozart's quartet in F major. 3254% 3255There was a young lady named Ciss 3256Who said, "I think skating's a bliss" 3257 But she'll never restate, 3258 For a wheel off her skate 3259.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM 3260% 3261There was a young lady named Dot 3262Whose cunt was so terribly hot 3263 That ten bishops of Rome 3264 And the Pope's private gnome 3265Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. 3266% 3267There was a young lady named Duff 3268With a lovely, luxuriant muff. 3269 In his haste to get in her 3270 One eager beginner 3271Lost both of his balls in the rough. 3272% 3273There was a young lady named Etta 3274Who was constantly seen in a swetta. 3275 Three reasons she had: 3276 To keep warm wasn't bad, 3277But the other two reasons were betta. 3278% 3279There was a young lady named Fleager 3280Who was terribly, terribly eager 3281 To be all the rage 3282 On the tragedy stage, 3283Though her talents were pitifully meagre. 3284 -- Edward Gorey 3285% 3286There was a young lady named Flo 3287Whose lover had pulled out too slow. 3288 So they tried it all night, 3289 Till he got it just right... 3290Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. 3291% 3292There was a young lady named Flynn 3293Who thought fornication a sin, 3294 But when she was tight 3295 It seemed quite all right, 3296So everyone filled her with gin. 3297% 3298There was a young lady named Gilda 3299Who went on a date with a builder. 3300 He said that he would, 3301 And he could and he should, 3302And he did and it damn well near killed her. 3303% 3304There was a young lady named Gloria, 3305Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" 3306 She replied to the chap, 3307 "I'll draw you a map, 3308Of where others have been to before ya." 3309% 3310There was a young lady named Grace 3311Who would not take a prick in her "place." 3312 Though she'd kiss it and suck it, 3313 She never would fuck it-- 3314She just couldn't relax face-to-face. 3315% 3316There was a young lady named Hall, 3317Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 3318 The dress caught on fire 3319 And burned her entire 3320Front page, sporting section, and all. 3321% 3322There was a young lady named Hatch 3323Who would always come through in a scratch. 3324 If a guy wouldn't neck her, 3325 She'd grab up his pecker 3326And shove the damn thing up her snatch. 3327% 3328There was a young lady named Mable 3329Who liked to sprawl out on the table, 3330 Then cry to her man, 3331 "Stuff in all you can -- 3332Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." 3333% 3334There was a young lady named Mandel 3335Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal 3336 By coming out bare 3337 On the main village square 3338And frigging herself with a candle. 3339% 3340There was a young lady named Maud, 3341A terrible society fraud: 3342 In company, I'm told, 3343 She was distant and cold, 3344But if you got her alone, Oh God! 3345% 3346There was a young lady named May 3347Who strolled in a park by the way, 3348 And she met a young man 3349 Who fucked her and ran -- 3350Now she goes to the park every day. 3351% 3352There was a young lady named Nance 3353Who learned about fucking in France, 3354 And when you'd insert it 3355 She'd squeeze till she hurt it, 3356And shoved it right back in your pants. 3357% 3358There was a young lady named Nelly 3359Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. 3360 They could tickle her twat 3361 Or be tied in a knot, 3362And could even swat flies on her belly. 3363% 3364There was a young lady named Ransom 3365Who was rogered three times in a hansom. 3366 When she cried out for more 3367 A voice from the floor 3368Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." 3369% 3370There was a young lady named Riddle 3371Who had an untouchable middle. 3372 She had many friends 3373 Because of her ends, 3374Since it isn't the middle you diddle. 3375% 3376There was a young lady named Rose 3377Who fainted whenever she chose; 3378 She did so one day 3379 While playing croquet, 3380But was quickly revived with a hose. 3381 -- Edward Gorey 3382% 3383There was a young lady named Rose 3384With erogenous zones in her toes. 3385 She remained onanistic 3386 Till a foot-fetishistic 3387Young man became one of her beaux. 3388% 3389There was a young lady named Schneider 3390Who often kept trysts with a spider. 3391 She found a strange bliss, 3392 In the hiss of her piss, 3393As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. 3394% 3395There was a young lady named Smith 3396Whose virtue was largely a myth. 3397 She said, "Try as I can 3398 I can't find a man 3399Who it's fun to be virtuous with." 3400% 3401There was a young lady named Twiss 3402Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 3403 For it tickled her bum 3404 And caused her to come 3405.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 3406% 3407There was a young lady named Wylde 3408Who kept herself quite undefiled 3409 By thinking of Jesus; 3410 Contagious diseases; 3411And the bother of having a child. 3412% 3413There was a young lady of Arden, 3414The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. 3415 Said she with a frown, 3416 "I've been sadly let down 3417By the tool of a fool in a garden." 3418% 3419There was a young lady of Bicester 3420Who was nicer by far than her sister: 3421 The sister would giggle 3422 And wiggle and jiggle, 3423But this one would come if you kissed her. 3424% 3425There was a young lady of Brabant 3426Who slept with an impotent savant. 3427 She admitted, "We shouldn't, 3428 But it turned out he couldn't- 3429So you can't say we have when we haven't." 3430% 3431There was a young lady of Bude 3432Who walked down the street in the nude. 3433 A bobby said, "Whattum 3434 Magnificent bottom!" 3435And slapped it as hard as he could. 3436% 3437There was a young lady of Carmia 3438Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. 3439 At every cold snap 3440 She would climb in your lab, 3441So her little base burner could warm ya. 3442% 3443There was a young lady of Dee 3444Who went down to the river to pee. 3445 A man in a punt 3446 Put his hand on her cunt, 3447And God! how I wish it were me. 3448% 3449There was a young lady of Dee 3450Whose hymen was split into three. 3451 And when she was diddled 3452 The middle string fiddled: 3453"Nearer My God To Thee." 3454% 3455There was a young lady of Dexter 3456Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, 3457 For whenever they'd start 3458 He'd unfailingly fart 3459With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. 3460% 3461There was a young lady of Dover 3462Whose passion was such that it drove her 3463 To cry, when you came, 3464 "Oh dear! What a shame! 3465Well, now we shall have to start over." 3466% 3467There was a young lady of Ealing 3468And her lover before her was kneeling. 3469 Said she, "Dearest Jim, 3470 Take your hands off my quim; 3471I much prefer fucking to feeling." 3472% 3473There was a young lady of fashion 3474Who had oodles and oodles of passion. 3475 To her lover she said, 3476 As they climbed into bed, 3477"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" 3478% 3479There was a young lady of Fez 3480Who was known to the public as "Jez." 3481 Jezebel was her name, 3482 Sucking cocks was the game 3483She excelled at (so everyone says). 3484% 3485There was a young lady of Gaza 3486Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3487 The crabs, in a lump, 3488 Made tracks to her rump-- 3489This passing parade did amaze her. 3490% 3491There was a young lady of Gloucester, 3492Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. 3493 She wasn't much hurt, 3494 But he dirtied her skirt, 3495So think of the anguish it cost her. 3496% 3497There was a young lady of Gloucester 3498Whose friends they thought they had lost her 3499 Till they found on the grass 3500 The marks of her arse, 3501And the knees of the man who had crossed her. 3502% 3503There was a young lady of Kent, 3504Who admitted she knew what it meant 3505 When men asked her to dine, 3506 And plied her with wine, 3507She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! 3508% 3509There was a young lady of Lee 3510Who scrambled up into a tree, 3511 When she got there 3512 Her arsehole was bare, 3513And so was her C U N T. 3514% 3515There was a young lady of Lincoln 3516Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, 3517 So she had a prick lent her 3518 Which turned it magenta, 3519This artful old lady of Lincoln. 3520% 3521There was a young lady of Natchez 3522Who chanced to be born with two snatches, 3523 And she often said, "Shit! 3524 Why, I'd give either tit 3525For a man with equipment that matches." 3526 3527There was a young fellow named Locke 3528Who was born with a two-headed cock. 3529 When he'd fondle the thing 3530 It would rise up and sing 3531An antiphonal chorus by Bach. 3532 3533But whether these two ever met 3534Has not been recorded as yet, 3535 Still, it would be diverting 3536 To see him inserting 3537His whang while it sang a duet. 3538% 3539There was a young lady of Norway 3540Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 3541 She said to her beau 3542 "Just look at me Joe 3543I think I've discovered one more way." 3544% 3545There was a young lady of Rhyll 3546In an omnibus was taken ill, 3547 So she called the conductor, 3548 Who got in and fucked her, 3549Which did more good than a pill. 3550% 3551There was a young lady of Spain 3552Who took down her pants on a train. 3553 There was a young porter 3554 Saw more than he orter, 3555And asked her to do it again. 3556% 3557There was a young lady of Spain 3558Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. 3559 They did it again 3560 And again and again, 3561And again and again and again. 3562% 3563There was a young lady of Twickenham 3564Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. 3565 On her knees every day 3566 To God she would pray 3567To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. 3568% 3569There was a young lady of Wheeling 3570Said to her beau, "I've a feeling 3571 My little brown jug 3572 Has need of a plug" -- 3573And straightaway she started to peeling. 3574% 3575There was a young lady who said, 3576As her bridegroom got into the bed, 3577 "I'm tired of this stunt, 3578 That they do with one's cunt, 3579You can get up my bottom instead." 3580% 3581There was a young lady whose cunt 3582Could accommodate a small punt. 3583 Her mother said, "Annie, 3584 It matches your fanny, 3585Which never was that of a runt." 3586% 3587There was a young lady whose thighs, 3588When spread showed a slit of such size, 3589 And so deep and so wide, 3590 You could play cards inside, 3591Much to her bridegroom's surprise. 3592% 3593There was a young lass from Surat. 3594The cheeks of her ass were so fat 3595 That they had to be parted 3596 Whenever she farted, 3597And also whenever she shat. 3598% 3599There was a young laundress named Wrangle 3600Whose tits tilted up at an angle. 3601 "They may tickle my chin," 3602 She said with a grin, 3603"But at least they keep out of the mangle." 3604% 3605There was a young maiden from Osset 3606Whose quim was nine inches across it. 3607 Said a young man named Tong, 3608 With tool nine inches long, 3609"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." 3610% 3611There was a young man from Bear Ridge 3612Who had strange ideas about marriage. 3613 He fucked his wife's mother 3614 And sucked off her brother 3615And ate up her sister's miscarriage. 3616% 3617There was a young man from Bel-Aire 3618Who was screwing his girl on the stair. 3619 But the banister broke 3620 So he doubled his stroke 3621And finished her off in mid-air. 3622% 3623There was a young man from Biloxi 3624Whose bowels responded to Moxie. 3625 Drinking glass after glass, 3626 He would tune up his ass, 3627Till he played like the band at the Roxy. 3628% 3629There was a young man from Bombay 3630Who fashioned a cunt out of clay 3631 But the heat of his prick 3632 Turned it into a brick 3633And rubbed all his foreskin away. 3634% 3635There was a young man from Calcutta 3636Who was heard in his beard to mutter, 3637 "If her Bartholin glands 3638 Don't respond to my hands, 3639I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." 3640% 3641There was a young man from Dallas 3642Who had an exceptional phallus. 3643 He couldn't find room 3644 In any girl's womb 3645Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. 3646% 3647There was a young man from Dundee 3648Who buggered an ape in a tree. 3649 The results were quite horrid: 3650 All ass and no forehead, 3651Three balls and a purple goatee. 3652% 3653There was a young man from East Lizes 3654Whose balls were of two different sizes 3655 One was so small 3656 It was no ball at all 3657The other was large and won prizes. 3658% 3659There was a young man from East Wubley 3660Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. 3661 Each quadruplicate shaft 3662 Had two balls hanging aft, 3663And the general effect was quite lovely. 3664 3665There was a young man from Hong Kong 3666Who had a trifurcated prong: 3667 A small one for sucking, 3668 A large one for fucking, 3669And a `boney' for beating a gong. 3670% 3671There was a young man from Glengozzle 3672Who found a remarkable fossil. 3673 He knew by the bend 3674 And the wart on the end, 3675'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. 3676% 3677There was a young man from Jodhpur 3678Who found he could easily cure 3679 His dread diabetes 3680 By eating a foetus 3681Served up in a sauce of manure. 3682% 3683There was a young man from Kent 3684Whose tool was so long that it bent. 3685 To save himself trouble 3686 He put it in double 3687And instead of coming, he went. 3688% 3689There was a young man from Lynn 3690Whose cock was the size of a pin. 3691 Said his girl with a laugh 3692 As she felt his staff, 3693"This won't be much of a sin." 3694% 3695There was a young man from Maine 3696Whose prick was as strong as a crane; 3697 It was almost as long, 3698 So he strolled with his dong 3699Extended in sunshine and rain. 3700% 3701There was a young man from Nantucket 3702Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 3703 But he looked in the glass, 3704 And saw his own ass, 3705And broke his neck trying to fuck it. 3706% 3707There was a young man from Nantucket 3708Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 3709 He said with a grin, 3710 While wiping his chin, 3711"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 3712% 3713There was a young man from New Haven 3714Who had an affair with a raven. 3715 He said with a grin 3716 As he wiped off his chin, 3717"Nevermore!" 3718% 3719There was a young man from Peru, 3720Who took a long trip by canoe. 3721 While staring at Venus, 3722 And rubbing his penis, 3723He wound up with a handful of goo. 3724% 3725There was a young man from Purdue 3726Who was only just learning to screw, 3727 But he hadn't the knack, 3728 And he got too far back -- 3729In the right church, but in the wrong pew. 3730% 3731There was a young man from Racine 3732Who invented a fucking machine. 3733 Concave or convex, 3734 It served either sex, 3735But oh what a bitch to keep clean. 3736% 3737There was a young man from Rangoon 3738Who used to lament 'neath the moon 3739 That he had the luck 3740 To be born of a fuck 3741That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. 3742% 3743There was a young man from Salinas 3744Who had an extremely long penis: 3745 Believe it or not, 3746 When he lay on his cot 3747It reached from Marin to Martinez. 3748% 3749There was a young man from Seattle 3750Whose testicles tended to rattle. 3751 He said as he fuck-ed 3752 Some stones in a bucket, 3753"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." 3754% 3755There was a young man from Siam 3756Who said, "I go in with a wham, 3757 But I soon lose my starch 3758 Like the mad month of March, 3759And the lion comes out like a lamb." 3760% 3761There was a young man from St. Paul's 3762Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" 3763 Till he grew such a passion 3764 For feminine fashion 3765That he knitted a snood for his balls. 3766% 3767There was a young man from Stamboul 3768Who boasted so torrid a tool 3769 That each female crater 3770 Explored by this satyr 3771Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. 3772% 3773There was a young man from Tibet- 3774And this is the strangest one yet- 3775 Whose tool was so long, 3776 So pointed and strong, 3777He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". 3778% 3779There was a young man in Havana, 3780Banged his girl on a player-piana. 3781 At the height of their fever 3782 Her ass hit the lever 3783And: yes, he has no banana. 3784% 3785There was a young man in Norway, 3786Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, 3787 But the air was so frigid 3788 It froze his cock rigid, 3789And all he could come was frappe. 3790% 3791There was a young man in the choir 3792Whose penis rose higher and higher, 3793 Till it reached such a height 3794 It was quite out of sight -- 3795But of course you know I'm a liar. 3796% 3797There was a young man, name of Fred, 3798Who spent every Thursday in bed; 3799 He lay with his feet 3800 Outside of the sheet, 3801And the pillows on top of his head. 3802 -- Edward Gorey 3803% 3804There was a young man, name of Saul, 3805Who was able to bounce either ball, 3806 He could stretch them and snap them, 3807 And juggle and clap them, 3808Which earned him the plaudits of all. 3809% 3810There was a young man named Crockett 3811Whose balls got caught in a socket. 3812 His wife was a bitch 3813 So she threw the switch, 3814And Crockett went off like a rocket. 3815% 3816There was a young man named Hughes 3817Who swore off all kinds of booze. 3818 He said, "When I'm muddled 3819 My senses get fuddled, 3820And I pass up too many screws." 3821% 3822There was a young man named Knute 3823Who had warts all over his root. 3824 He put acid on these 3825 And now when he pees, 3826He fingers the thing like a flute. 3827% 3828There was a young man named Rex 3829Who really was small for his sex. 3830 When tried for exposure 3831 The judge's disclosure 3832Was "de minimus non curat lex." 3833% 3834There was a young man named Zerubbabel 3835Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. 3836 When they asked if his pleasure 3837 Was only half measure, 3838He replied, "That is highly improbable." 3839% 3840There was a young man named Zerubbabub 3841Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club 3842 But the pride of his life 3843 Were the tits of his wife -- 3844One real, and one India-rubber bub. 3845% 3846There was a young man of Arras 3847Who stretched himself out on the grass, 3848 And with no little trouble, 3849 He bent himself double, 3850And stuck his prick well up his ass. 3851% 3852There was a young man of Australia 3853Who went on a wild bacchanalia. 3854 He buggered a frog, 3855 Two mice and a dog, 3856And a bishop in fullest regalia. 3857% 3858There was a young man of Belgrade 3859Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. 3860 I will suck, without charge, 3861 Any cock, if it's large. 3862If it's small, I expect to be paid." 3863% 3864There was a young man of Belgrade 3865Who slept with a girl in the trade. 3866 She said to him, "Jack, 3867 Try the hole in the back; 3868The front one is badly decayed." 3869% 3870There was a young man of Bengal 3871Who swore he had only one ball, 3872 But two little bitches 3873 Unbuttoned his britches, 3874And found he had no balls at all. 3875% 3876There was a young man of Bombay 3877Who buggered his dad once a day. 3878 He said, "I like, rather, 3879 Fucking my father -- 3880He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." 3881% 3882There was a young man of Calcutta, 3883Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. 3884 When he got to c-u, 3885 A pious Hindoo 3886Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. 3887% 3888There was a young man of Cape Horn 3889Who wished he had never been born, 3890 And he wouldn't have been 3891 If his father had seen 3892That the end of the rubber was torn. 3893% 3894There was a young man of Coblenz 3895Whose ballocks were simply immense: 3896 It took forty-four draymen, 3897 A priest and three laymen 3898To carry them thither and thence. 3899% 3900There was a young man of Darjeeling 3901Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. 3902 In the electric light socket, 3903 He'd put it and rock it-- 3904Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! 3905% 3906There was a young man of Devizes, 3907Whose balls were of different sizes. 3908 One was so small, 3909 It was nothing at all; 3910The other took numerous prizes. 3911% 3912There was a young man of Dumfries 3913Who said to his girl, "If you please, 3914 It would give me great bliss 3915 If, while playing with this, 3916You would pay some attention to these!" 3917% 3918There was a young man of high station 3919Who was found by a pious relation 3920 Making love in a ditch 3921 To -- I won't say a bitch -- 3922But a woman of no reputation. 3923% 3924There was a young man of Khartoum, 3925The strength of whose balls was his doom. 3926 So strong was his shootin', 3927 The third law of Newton 3928Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. 3929% 3930There was a young man of Khartoum 3931Who lured a poor girl to her doom. 3932 He not only fucked her, 3933 But buggered and sucked her-- 3934And left her to pay for the room. 3935% 3936There was a young man of Kutki 3937Who could blink himself off with one eye. 3938 For a while though, he pined, 3939 When his organ declined 3940To function, because of a stye. 3941% 3942There was a young man of Lahore 3943Whose prick was one inch and no more. 3944 It was all right for key-holes 3945 And little girl's pee-holes, 3946But not worth a damn with a whore. 3947% 3948There was a young man of Lake Placid 3949Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. 3950 When he wanted to sport 3951 He would have to resort 3952To injections of sulphuric acid. 3953% 3954There was a young man of Madras 3955Whose balls were constructed of brass. 3956 When jangled together 3957 They played "Stormy Weather", 3958And lightning shot out of his ass. 3959% 3960There was a young man of Missouri 3961Who fucked with a terrible fury. 3962 Till hauled into court 3963 For his beastial sport, 3964And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. 3965% 3966There was a young man of Natal 3967And Sue was the name of his gal. 3968 One day, north of Aden, 3969 He got his hard rod in, 3970And came clear up Suez Canal. 3971% 3972There was a young man of Natal 3973Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. 3974 Said she, "You're a sluggard!" 3975 Said he, "You be buggered! 3976I like to fuck slow and I shall." 3977% 3978There was a young man of Ostend 3979Who let a girl play with his end. 3980 She took hold of Rover, 3981 And felt it all over, 3982And it did what she didn't intend. 3983% 3984There was a young man of Ostend 3985Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. 3986 "It's no use, my duck, 3987 Interrupting our fuck, 3988For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." 3989% 3990There was a young man of Saskatchewan, 3991Whose penis was truly gargantuan. 3992 It was good for large whores, 3993 And for small dinosaurs, 3994And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. 3995% 3996There was a young man of Seattle 3997Who bested a bull in a battle. 3998 With fire and gumption 3999 He assumed the bull's function, 4000And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. 4001% 4002There was a young man of St. John's 4003Who wanted to bugger the swans. 4004 But the loyal hall porter 4005 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 4006Those birds are reserved for the dons." 4007% 4008There was a young man of Tibet 4009-- And this is the strangest one yet -- 4010 His prick was so long, 4011 And so pointed and strong, 4012He could bugger six sheep en brochette. 4013% 4014There was a young man of Toulouse 4015Who had a deficient prepuce, 4016 But the foreskin he lacked 4017 He made up in his sac; 4018The result was, his balls were too loose. 4019% 4020There was a young man who appeared 4021To his friends with a full growth of beard; 4022 They at once said, "Although 4023 We can't say why it's so, 4024The effect is uncommonly weird." 4025 -- Edward Gorey 4026% 4027There was a young man who said "God, 4028I find it exceedingly odd, 4029 That the willow oak tree 4030 Continues to be, 4031When there's no one about in the Quad." 4032 4033"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 4034For I'm always about in the Quad; 4035 And that's why the tree, 4036 Continues to be," 4037Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 4038% 4039There was a young man with a fiddle 4040Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" 4041 She replied, "Yes, I do, 4042 But prefer to with two -- 4043It's twice as much fun in the middle." 4044% 4045There was a young man with a prick 4046Which into his wife he would stick 4047 Every morning and night 4048 If it stood up all right -- 4049Not a very remarkable trick. 4050 4051His wife had a nice little cunt: 4052It was hairy, and soft, and in front, 4053 And with this she would fuck him, 4054 Though sometimes she'd suck him -- 4055A charming, if commonplace, stunt. 4056% 4057There was a young man with one foot 4058Who had a very long root. 4059 If he used this peg 4060 As an extra leg 4061Is a question exceedingly moot. 4062% 4063There was a young miss from Johore 4064Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; 4065 In a manner uncanny 4066 She'd wobble her fanny, 4067And drain your nuts dry to the core. 4068% 4069There was a young monk from Siberia 4070Whose life got drearia' and drearia' 4071 Till he did to a nun 4072 What shouldn't be done 4073And made her a mother superia'. 4074% 4075There was a young monk from Tibet 4076And this is the damnedest one yet 4077 His cock was so long 4078 And incredibly strong 4079That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. 4080% 4081There was a young monk in Siberia, 4082Whose morals were very inferior, 4083 He jumped on a nun 4084 Which he shouldn't have done, 4085And now she's a Mother Superior. 4086% 4087There was a young monk of Dundee 4088Who complained that it hurt him to pee, 4089 He said, "Pax vobiscum, 4090 Now why won't the piss come? 4091I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." 4092% 4093There was a young parson of Harwich, 4094Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. 4095 She said, "No, you young goose, 4096 Just try self-abuse. 4097And the other we'll try after marriage." 4098% 4099There was a young peasant named Gorse 4100Who fell madly in love with his horse. 4101 Said his wife, "You rapscallion, 4102 That horse is a stallion -- 4103This constitutes grounds for divorce." 4104% 4105There was a young person of Kent 4106Who was famous wherever he went. 4107 All the way through a fuck, 4108 He would quack like a duck, 4109And he crowed like a cock when he spent. 4110% 4111There was a young physicist named Fisk 4112Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. 4113 So quick was his action, 4114 The Lorentz Contraction 4115Shortened his rod to a disc! 4116% 4117There was a young plumber named Lee 4118Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. 4119 She said, "Stop your plumbing, 4120 There's somebody coming" 4121Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." 4122% 4123There was a young poet named Dan, 4124Whose poetry never would scan. 4125 When told this was so, 4126 He said, "Yes, I know, 4127It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 4128% 4129There was a young royal marine, 4130Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". 4131 When he reached the soprano 4132 Out came only guano 4133And his britches weren't fit to be seen. 4134% 4135There was a young sailor from Brighton, 4136Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." 4137 She replied, "'Pon my soul, 4138 You're in the wrong hole; 4139There's plenty of room in the right one." 4140% 4141There was a young sapphic named Anna 4142Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, 4143 Which she sucked, bit by bit, 4144 From her partner's warm slit, 4145In the most approved lesbian manner. 4146% 4147There was a young Scot in Madrid 4148Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. 4149 When they said, "Are you faint?" 4150 He replied, "No, I ain't, 4151But I don't feel as good as I did." 4152% 4153There was a young soldier from Munich 4154Whose penis hung down past his tunic, 4155 And their chops girls would lick 4156 When they thought of his prick, 4157But alas! he was only a eunuch. 4158% 4159There was a young sportsman named Peel 4160Who went for a trip on his wheel; 4161 He pedaled for days 4162 Through crepuscular haze, 4163And returned feeling somewhat unreal. 4164 -- Edward Gorey 4165% 4166There was a young squaw of Wohunt 4167Who possessed a collapsible cunt. 4168 It had many odd uses, 4169 Produced no papooses, 4170And fitted both giant and runt. 4171% 4172There was a young student from Yale 4173Who was getting his first piece of tail. 4174 He shoved in his pole, 4175 But in the wrong hole, 4176And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" 4177% 4178There was a young trollop at Yale, 4179Who had verses tattooed on her tail, 4180 And on her behind, 4181 For the sake of the blind, 4182A duplicate version in Braille. 4183% 4184There was a young woman called Pearl 4185Who quite resembled a churl; 4186 When she asked a young man named Tex 4187 Whether he would like to have sex, 4188"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" 4189% 4190There was a young woman from Bude, 4191Who went for a swim in the nude, 4192 But a man in a punt, 4193 Grabbed at her elbow, 4194And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." 4195% 4196There was a young woman in Dee 4197Who stayed with each man she did see. 4198 When it came to a test 4199 She wished to be best, 4200And practice makes perfect, you see. 4201% 4202There was a young woman named Alice 4203Who peed in a Catholic chalice. 4204 She said, "I do this 4205 From a great need to piss, 4206And not from sectarian malice." 4207% 4208There was a young woman named Ells 4209Who was subject to curious spells 4210 When got up very oddly, 4211 She'd cry out things ungodly 4212by the palms in expensive hotels. 4213 -- Edward Gorey 4214% 4215There was a young woman named Florence 4216Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, 4217 But they found her in bed 4218 With her cunt flaming red, 4219And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. 4220% 4221There was a young woman named Plunnery 4222Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. 4223 Till one day unobservant, 4224 She blew up a servant, 4225And was forced to retire to a nunnery. 4226 -- Edward Gorey 4227% 4228There was a young woman named Sutton 4229Who said, as she carved up the mutton, 4230 "My father preferred 4231 The last sheep in the herd -- 4232This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." 4233% 4234There was a young woman of Cheadle, 4235Who once gave the clap to a beadle. 4236 Said she, "Does it itch?" 4237 "It does, you damned bitch, 4238And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." 4239% 4240There was a young woman of Condover 4241Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. 4242 Her pussy was juicy, 4243 Her arse soft and goosey, 4244But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. 4245% 4246There was a young woman of Croft 4247Who played with herself in a loft, 4248 Having reasoned that candles 4249 Could never cause scandals, 4250Besides which they did not go soft. 4251 4252Said another young woman of Croft, 4253Amusing herself in the loft, 4254 "A salami or wurst 4255 Is what I'd choose first -- 4256With bologna you know you've been boffed." 4257% 4258There was a young woman, quite handsome, 4259Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. 4260 When she offered much gold 4261 For release, she was told 4262That the view was worth more than the ransom. 4263% 4264There was a young woman whose stammer 4265Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; 4266 But they were not improved 4267 When her husband was moved 4268To knock out her teeth with a hammer. 4269 -- Edward Gorey 4270% 4271There was an old abbess quite shocked 4272To find nuns where the candles were locked. 4273 Said the abbess, "You nuns 4274 Should behave more like guns, 4275And never go off till you're cocked." 4276% 4277There was an old bishop from Buckingham 4278Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. 4279 His wife with distain 4280 Could scarcely restrain 4281That sprightly old bishop from * * *. 4282% 4283There was an old count of Swoboda 4284Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. 4285 So, with great savoir-faire, 4286 She stood on a chair 4287And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. 4288% 4289There was an old curate of Hestion 4290Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion. 4291 But so small was his tool 4292 He could scarce screw a spool, 4293And a cunt was quite out of the question. 4294% 4295There was an old fellow named Art 4296Who awoke with a horrible start, 4297 For down by his rump 4298 Was a generous lump 4299Of what should have been just a fart. 4300% 4301There was an old fellow named Skinner 4302Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. 4303 But still, by and large, 4304 It would always discharge 4305Once he could just get it in her. 4306% 4307There was an old feminine blighter 4308Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. 4309 She would cream her own pool 4310 While she sucked off his tool -- 4311How his cock in her cunt would excite her! 4312% 4313There was an old gent from Kentuck 4314Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, 4315 But he put it away 4316 For fear that one day 4317He might put it in and get stuck. 4318% 4319There was an old girl of Kilkenny 4320Whose usual charge was a penny. 4321 For half of that sum 4322 You could finger her bum-- 4323A source of amusement to many. 4324% 4325There was an old harlot from Dijon 4326Who in her old age got religion. 4327 "When I'm dead & gone," 4328 Said she, "I'll take on 4329The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." 4330% 4331There was an old lady of Bingly 4332Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. 4333 I thought I had got 4334 A bloke for my twat, 4335But he seems rather queenly than kingly." 4336% 4337There was an old lady of Glascow, 4338Whose party proved quite a fiasco. 4339 At nine-thirty, about, 4340 The lights all went out, 4341Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. 4342% 4343There was an old lady of Kewry 4344Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': 4345 The `introitus vaginae', 4346 Was unnaturally tiny, 4347And the thought of it filled her with fury. 4348% 4349There was an old lady who lay 4350With her legs wide apart in the hay, 4351 Then, calling the ploughman, 4352 She said, "Do it now, man! 4353Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." 4354% 4355There was an old maid from Cape Cod 4356Who thought all good things came from god. 4357 But it wasn't the almighty 4358 Who lifted her nighty, 4359It was Roger, the lodger, by god. 4360% 4361There was an old man from Bengal 4362Who liked to do tricks in the hall. 4363 His favorite trick 4364 Was to stand on his dick 4365While he rolled around on one ball. 4366% 4367There was an old man from Fort Drum 4368Whose son was incredibly dumb. 4369 When he urged him ahead, 4370 He went down instead, 4371For he thought to succeed meant succumb. 4372% 4373There was an old man of Alsace 4374Who played the trombone with his ass. 4375 He put in a trap 4376 To take out the crap, 4377But the vapors corroded the brass. 4378% 4379There was an old man of Brienz 4380The length of whose cock was immense: 4381 With one swerve he could plug 4382 A boy's bottom in Zug, 4383And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. 4384% 4385There was an old man of Cajon 4386Who never could get a good bone. 4387 With the aid of a gland 4388 It grew simply grand; 4389Now his wife cannot leave it alone. 4390% 4391There was an old man of Calcutta 4392Who spied through a chink in the shutter. 4393 But all he could see 4394 Was his wife's bare knee, 4395And the back of the bloke who was up her. 4396% 4397There was an old man of Connaught 4398Whose prick was remarkably short. 4399 When he got into bed, 4400 The old woman said, 4401"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." 4402% 4403There was an old man of Duddee 4404Who came home as drunk as could be. 4405 He wound up the clock 4406 With the end of his cock, 4407And buggered his wife with the key. 4408% 4409There was an old man of Duluth 4410Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4411 He fucked with his nose 4412 And with fingers and toes, 4413And he came through a hole in his tooth. 4414% 4415There was an old man of Hong Kong 4416Who never did anything wrong. 4417 He would lie on his back 4418 With his head in a sack 4419And secretly finger his dong. 4420% 4421There was an old man of St. Bees, 4422Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4423 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4424 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4425I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4426 -- W.S. Gilbert 4427% 4428There was an old man of Tagore 4429Whose tool was a yard long or more, 4430 So he wore the damn thing 4431 In a surgical sling 4432To keep it from wiping the floor. 4433% 4434There was an Old Man of the Mountain 4435Who frigged himself into a fountain 4436 Fifteen times had he spent, 4437 Still he wasn't content, 4438He simply got tired of the counting. 4439% 4440There was an old man who said, "Tush! 4441My balls always hang in the brush, 4442 And I fumble about, 4443 Half in and half out, 4444With a pecker as limber as mush." 4445% 4446There was an old man with a beard 4447Who said, "It is just what I feared! 4448 Two owls and a hen, 4449 Four larks and a wren 4450Have all built their nests in my beard!" 4451% 4452There was an old person of Ware 4453Who had an affair with a bear. 4454 He explained, "I don't mind, 4455 For it's gentle and kind, 4456But I wish it had slightly less hair." 4457% 4458There was an old pirate named Bates 4459Who was learning to rhumba on skates 4460 He fell on his cutlass 4461 Which rendered him nutless 4462And practically useless on dates. 4463% 4464There was an old satyr named Mack 4465Whose prick had a left handed tack. 4466 If the ladies he loves 4467 Don't spin when he shoves, 4468Their cervixes frequently crack. 4469% 4470There was an old Scot named McTavish 4471Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. 4472 The object of rape 4473 Was the wrong sex of ape, 4474And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. 4475% 4476There was an old whore from Silesia 4477Who'd croak: "If my box doesn't please ya, 4478 For a slight extra sum 4479 You can go up my bum 4480But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." 4481% 4482There was an old whore in the Azores 4483Whose body was covered with festers & sores. 4484 Why the dogs in the street 4485 Wouldn't eat the green meat 4486That hung in festoons from her drawers. 4487% 4488There was an old woman of Ghent 4489Who swore that her cunt had no scent. 4490 She got fucked so often 4491 At last she got rotten, 4492And didn't she stink when she spent. 4493% 4494There was once a mechanic named Bench 4495Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. 4496 With this vibrant device 4497 He could reach, in a trice, 4498The innermost parts of a wench. 4499% 4500There were three ladies of Huxham, 4501And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, 4502 And when that game grows stale 4503 We sits on a rail, 4504And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. 4505% 4506There were three young ladies of Birmingham, 4507And this is the scandal concerning 'em. 4508 They lifted the frock 4509 And tickled the cock 4510Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. 4511 4512Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, 4513He'd been to a good public school, 4514 So he took down their britches 4515 And buggered those bitches 4516With his ten-inch episcopal tool. 4517 4518Then up spoke a lady from Kew, 4519And said, as the Bishop withdrew, 4520 "The vicar is quicker 4521 And thicker and slicker, 4522And longer and stronger than you." 4523 -- Abuses of the Clergy 4524% 4525There's a charming young girl in Tobruk 4526Who refers to her quiff as a nook. 4527 It's deep and it's wide, 4528 -- You can curl up inside 4529With a nice easy chair and a book. 4530% 4531There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu 4532Who's often been screwed by yours truly, 4533 But now--it's appallin'-- 4534 My balls always fall in! 4535I fear that I've fucked her unduly. 4536% 4537There's a dowager near Sweden Landing 4538Whose manners are odd and demanding. 4539 It's one of her jests 4540 To suck off her guests -- 4541She hates to keep gentlemen standing. 4542% 4543There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock 4544Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, 4545 But her cunt's got a pucker 4546 That's best not to fuck, or 4547When least you expect it to, it'll lock. 4548% 4549There's a rather odd couple in Herts 4550Who are cousins (or so each asserts); 4551 Their sex is in doubt 4552 For they're never without 4553Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. 4554 -- Edward Gorey 4555% 4556There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, 4557Who's been coxing the varsity crew. 4558 In the shell Sue is great, 4559 But her boyfriend's irate, 4560When she calls out the stroke as they screw. 4561% 4562There's a tavern in London that's staffed, 4563By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: 4564 In her striving to please, 4565 She serves ale on her knees, 4566So the patrons get head with their draft. 4567% 4568There's a very hot babe at the Aggies 4569Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. 4570 The seniors go round 4571 Hanging down to the ground, 4572And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. 4573% 4574There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, 4575Since his shocking perversions are various... 4576 He will bugger some lad 4577 With a dildo (the cad!) 4578While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" 4579% 4580There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, 4581Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. 4582 When one pireg is shot, 4583 There's that alternate twat, 4584But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. 4585% 4586There's an oversexed lady named Whyte 4587Who insists on a dozen a night. 4588 A fellow named Cheddar 4589 Had the brashness to wed her- 4590His chance of survival is slight. 4591% 4592There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, 4593Exceedingly hard to get onto, 4594 But when you get there, 4595 And have parted the hair, 4596You can fuck her as much as you want to. 4597% 4598They had come in the fugue to the stretto 4599When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto 4600 Slipped forward and grabbed 4601 Her tresses and stabbed 4602Her to death with a rusty stiletto. 4603 -- Edward Gorey 4604% 4605Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, 4606Was to do what man normally does, 4607 She declared, "I'm a Soul- 4608 Not a sexual goal!" 4609So he shrugged and called someone who was. 4610% 4611Though most of the crewmen are whites, 4612Uhura has full equal rights. 4613 Her crewmates, you see, 4614 Love De-mo-cra-cy, 4615And the way that she fills out her tights. 4616% 4617Though the invalid Saint of Brac 4618Lay all of his life on his back, 4619 His wife got her share, 4620 And the pilgrims now stare 4621At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. 4622% 4623'Tis a custom in Castellamare 4624To fuck in the back of a lorry. 4625 The chassis and springs 4626 Are like woodwinds and strings 4627In the midst of a musical soiree. 4628% 4629To a weepy young woman in Thrums 4630Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes 4631 Of allowing your tears 4632 To fall into my ears - 4633I think they have rotted the drums." 4634 -- Edward Gorey 4635% 4636To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. 4637Their fertility was somewhat unstable. 4638 He constructed a bed 4639 Out of tree trunks and said, 4640"Even adders can multiply on a log table." 4641% 4642To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! 4643Your cunt is as big as a dish!" 4644 She replied, "Why, you fool, 4645 With your limp little tool 4646It's like driving a nail with a fish!" 4647% 4648To his bride said a numskull named Clarence: 4649"I trust you will show some forbearance. 4650 My sexual habits 4651 I picked up from rabbits, 4652And occasionally watching my parents." 4653% 4654To his bride said economist Fife: 4655"The semen you'll launch as my wife, 4656 We will salvage and freeze 4657 To resemble goat's cheese, 4658And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." 4659% 4660To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, 4661"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 4662 Is your east tit the least bit 4663 The best of your west tit, 4664Or is it a trick of perspective?" 4665% 4666To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, 4667As he poured his post-prandial tipple, 4668 "Your mother's behaviour 4669 Gave pain to Our Saviour, 4670And that's why He made you a cripple." 4671 -- Edward Gorey 4672% 4673Two anglers were fishing off Wight 4674And his bobber was dipping all night. 4675 Murmured she, with a laugh, 4676 "It's ready to gaff, 4677But don't break your rod which is light." 4678 4679A couple was fishing near Clombe 4680When the maid began looking quite glum, 4681 And said, "Bother the fish! 4682 I'd rather coish!" 4683Which they did -- which was why they had come. 4684 4685As two consular clerks in Madras 4686Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, 4687 "What a marvelous pole," 4688 Said she, "but control 4689Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." 4690% 4691Two eager young men from Cawnpore 4692Once buggered and fucked the same whore. 4693 But her partition split 4694 And the blood and the shit 4695Rolled out in a mess on the floor. 4696% 4697Two roosters in one of our pens 4698Found their pricks were no larger than wens. 4699 As they looked at their foreskins 4700 And wished they had more skins, 4701They discovered they'd both become hens. 4702% 4703Under the spreading chestnut tree 4704The village smith he sat, 4705 Amusing himself 4706 By abusing himself 4707And catching the load in his hat. 4708% 4709Une joile epousetta a Tours 4710Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. 4711 Mais le mari disait, "Non! 4712 De trop n'est pas bon! 4713Mon derriere exige du secours!" 4714% 4715Visas erat: huic geminarum 4716Dispar modus testicularum: 4717 Minor haec nihili, 4718 Palma triplici, 4719Jam fecerat altera clarum. 4720% 4721We dedicate this to the cunt, 4722The kind the broad-minded guys hunt: 4723 All hail to the twat, 4724 Willing, thrilling, and hot, 4725That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! 4726% 4727When I was a baby, my penis 4728Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. 4729 But now 'tis as red 4730 As her nipples instead-- 4731All because of the feminine genus! 4732% 4733When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, 4734Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, 4735 "Was he modest or vain?" 4736 "Was he regal or plain?" 4737She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" 4738% 4739When you fuck little Annie in Anza 4740You get a great bosom bonanza: 4741 Sucking Annie's soft tits 4742 Makes her throw fifty fits, 4743And the fuck is a sextravaganza! 4744% 4745While his duchess lay practically dead, 4746The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: 4747 "Can it be this is all? 4748 How puny! How small! 4749Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." 4750 -- Edward Gorey 4751% 4752While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 4753Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 4754 She explained, "They are flat, 4755 But think nothing of that -- 4756You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 4757% 4758While out on a date in his Fiat, 4759The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" 4760 As he bent down to seek, 4761 She let out a shriek: 4762"That's not where it's likely to be at." 4763% 4764While spending the winter at Pau 4765Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." 4766 So the head-porter made her 4767 And the second-cook laid her; 4768The waiters were all hanging low. 4769% 4770While Titian was mixing rose madder, 4771His model reclined on a ladder. 4772 Her position to Titian 4773 Suggested coition, 4774So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. 4775% 4776While traveling in farthest Tibet, 4777Lord Irongate found cause to regret 4778 The buttered-up tea, 4779 A pain in his knee, 4780And the frivolous tourists he met. 4781 -- Edward Gorey 4782% 4783Winter is here with his grouch, 4784The time when you sneeze and you slouch. 4785 You can't take your women 4786 Canoein' or swimmin', 4787But a lot can be done on a couch. 4788% 4789With his penis in turgid erection, 4790And aimed at woman's mid-section, 4791 Man looks most uncouth 4792 In that Moment of Truth, 4793But she sheathes it with loving affection. 4794% 4795You Women's Lib gals won't agree, 4796But dependent on men you must be: 4797 You'll need a him 4798 With a rod firm and trim, 4799To puggle your water-drains free! 4800% 4801Young Frederick the great was a beaut. 4802To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. 4803 If you'll come to my palace, 4804 I'll finger your phallus, 4805And then I shall blow on your flute." 4806% 4807You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, 4808Well, here's the new story concerning 'im: 4809 He buggers the choir 4810 As they sing "Ave Maria," 4811And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. 4812% 4813