limerick revision 153734
1%% $FreeBSD: head/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick 153734 2005-12-26 16:09:58Z schweikh $ 2A bad little girl in Madrid, 3A most reprehensible kid, 4 Told her Tante Louise 5 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 6And the worst of it was that it did! 7% 8A bather whose clothing was strewed 9By breezes that left her quite nude, 10 Saw a man come along 11 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 12You expected this line to be lewd. 13% 14A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 15I am not I, I'm a tree." 16 But another, more sane, 17 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 18And covered his pants leg with pee. 19% 20A beautiful belle of Del Norte 21Is reckoned disdainful and haughty 22 Because during the day 23 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 24But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 25% 26A beautiful lady named Psyche 27Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 28 One thing about Ike 29 The lady can't like 30Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 31% 32A beetling young woman named Pridgets 33Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 34 Off the end of a wharf 35 She once pushed a dwarf 36Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 37 -- Edward Gorey 38% 39A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 40Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 41 When she swiveled about 42 Even strong men cried out, 43For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 44% 45A bobby of Nottingham Junction 46Whose organ had long ceased to function 47 Deceived his good wife 48 For the rest of her life 49With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 50% 51A broken-down harlot named Tupps 52Was heard to confess in her cups: 53 "The height of my folly 54 Was diddling a collie- 55But I got a nice price for the pups." 56% 57A burlesque dancer, a pip 58Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 59 But she read science fiction 60 And died of constriction 61Attempting a Moebius strip. 62 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 63% 64A busy young lady named Gloria 65Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 66 And then by six men, 67 Sir Gerald again, 68And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 69% 70A cabin boy on an old clipper 71Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 72 He plugged up his ass 73 With fragments of glass 74And thus circumcised his old skipper. 75% 76A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 77Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 78 With his date all strapped in 79 He committed a sin 80Without even leaving the garage. 81 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 82% 83A cautious young fellow named Tunney 84Had a whang that was worth any money. 85 When eased in half-way, 86 The girl's sigh made him say, 87"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 88% 89A certain young man, it was noted, 90Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 91 He said, "You may scoff, 92 But I shan't take it off; 93Underneath I am horribly bloated." 94 -- Edward Gorey 95% 96A certain young person of Ghent, 97Uncertain if lady or gent, 98 Shows his organs at large 99 For a small handling charge 100To assist him in paying the rent. 101% 102A certain young sheik of Algiers 103Said to his harem, "My dears, 104 Though you may think it odd of me, 105 I'm tired of just sodomy 106Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 107% 108A chap down in Oklahoma 109Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 110 But the sweetness of pitch 111 Couldn't put off the hitch 112Of impotence, size and aroma. 113% 114A charmer from old Amarillo, 115Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 116 Decided one day 117 That to keep men away 118She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 119% 120A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 121Had a pussy as large as a muff. 122 It had room for both hands 123 And some intimate glands, 124And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 125% 126A clerical student named Pryne 127Through pain sought to reach the divine: 128 He wore a hair shirt, 129 Quite often ate dirt, 130And bathed every Friday in brine. 131 -- Edward Gorey 132% 133A clever young man named Eugene 134Invented a jack-off machine. 135 On the twenty-third stroke 136 The fuckin' thing broke 137And beat both his balls to a creame. 138% 139A cocksucking steno named Beeman 140Remarked as she swallowed my semen: 141 "On my minuscule salary 142 I must watch every calorie, 143So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 144% 145A computer called Illiac4 146Had a rather tough bug in its core. 147 It chewed up its cards 148 And spewed yards and yards 149Of illegible tape on the floor. 150% 151A computer, to print out a fact, 152Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 153 But this output can be 154 No more than debris, 155If the input was short of exact. 156 -- Gigo 157% 158A contortionist hailing from Lynch 159Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 160 A foot cost a quid -- 161 He could and he did 162Stretch it to three in a pinch. 163% 164A corpulent maiden named Kroll 165Had a notion exceedingly droll: 166 At a masquerade ball, 167 Dressed in nothing at all, 168She backed in as a Parker House roll. 169% 170A cowhand way out in Seattle 171Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 172 He said, "No, I can't fuck 173 A lamb or a duck, 174But golly! it just fits the cattle." 175% 176A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 177And had an affair with a Saracen. 178 She was not oversexed, 179 Or jealous or vexed, 180She just wanted to make a comparison. 181% 182A CS student named Lin 183Had a prick the size of a pin 184 It was no good for girls 185 But just great for squirrels 186Who squealed with delight with it in. 187% 188A cute little twerp from Samoa 189Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 190 It was good for keyholes 191 And debutantes' peeholes 192But not worth a damn on a whoa. 193% 194A daredevil skater named Lowe, 195Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 196 But is proudest of doing, 197 Some incredible screwing, 198Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 199% 200A deep-throated virgin named Netty 201Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 202 She said, "It tastes nice, 203 Much better than rice, 204Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 205% 206A delighted, incredulous bride 207Remarked to her groom at her side: 208 "I never could quite 209 Believe till tonight 210Our anatomies would coincide." 211% 212A dentist, young doctor Malone, 213Got a charming girl patient alone, 214 And, in his depravity, 215 Filled the wrong cavity. 216God, how his practice has grown. 217% 218A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 219With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 220 Let his third-story front, 221 To a willing young cunt, 222Who supplied him a new lease on life! 223% 224A desperate spinster from Clare 225Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 226 And prayed to her God 227 For a romp on the sod-- 228'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 229% 230A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 231Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 232 As quick as a glance 233 He stripped off his pants, 234But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 235% 236A doctoral student from Buckingham 237Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 238 But a dropout from paree 239 Taught him Gamahuchee 240- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 241% 242A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 243Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 244 She blew her vagina 245 To South Carolina, 246And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 247 248A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 249Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 250 They found her vagina, 251 In South Carolina, 252And part of her ass in Brazil. 253% 254A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 255Whose overworked sex is all callous, 256 Wore the foreskin away 257 On uncircumcised Ray, 258Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 259% 260A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 261Wished to foster an aura of menace. 262 To make people afraid 263 He wore gloves of grey suede 264And white footgear intended for tennis. 265 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" 266% 267A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, 268Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, 269 Had achieved some reknown 270 For her tone going down-- 271There's a nice civil tongue in her head. 272% 273A fair-haired young damsel named Grace 274Thought it very, very foolish to place 275 Her hand on your cock 276 When it turned hard as rock, 277For fear it would explode in your face. 278% 279A farmer I know named O'Doole 280Had a long and incredible tool. 281 He can use it to plow, 282 Or to diddle a cow, 283Or just as a cue-stick at pool. 284% 285A fellatrix's healthful condition 286Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. 287 Her remarkable diet 288 (I suggest that you try it) 289Was only her clients' emission. 290% 291A fellow whose surname was Hunt 292Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: 293 This versatile spout 294 Could be turned inside out, 295Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. 296% 297A fisherman off of Cape Cod 298Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" 299 But the high-minded fish 300 Resented his wish, 301And nimbly swam off with his rod. 302% 303A foolish geologist from Kissen 304Just didn't know what he was missin', 305 By studying rock 306 And neglecting his cock, 307And using it merely for pissin'. 308% 309A Frenchman who lived in Alsace 310Had sex with a virgin named Grace. 311 When he popped her cherry, 312 She made things hairy 313By bleeding all over his face. 314% 315A gay young prince from Morocco 316Made love in a manner rococco. 317 He painted his penis 318 To resemble a venus 319And flavored his semen with cocoa. 320% 321A geneticist living in Delft 322Scientifically played with himself, 323 And when he was done 324 He labled it: son, 325And filed him away on a shelf. 326% 327A gentleman, otherwise meek, 328Detested with passion the leek; 329 When offered one out 330 He dealt such a clout 331To the maid, she was down for a week. 332 -- Edward Gorey 333% 334A german composer named Bruckner 335Remarked to a lady while fuckener: 336 "Less lento, my dear, 337 With your cute little rear; 338I like a hot presto when muckener!" 339% 340A gift was delivered to Laura 341From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; 342 Wrapped in tissue and crepe, 343 It was peeled, like a grape, 344And emitted a pale, greenish aura. 345 -- Edward Gorey 346% 347A gifted young fellow from Sparta 348Was widely renowned as a farta'. 349 He could fart anything 350 From "Of Thee I Sing," 351To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." 352% 353A girl camper once had an affair 354With a fellow all covered with hair. 355 When she gave him his hat 356 She realized that 357She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 358% 359A girl of the Enterprise crew 360Refused every offer to screw. 361 But a Vulcan named Spock 362 Crawled under her smock, 363And now she is eating for two. 364% 365A girl of uncertain nativity 366Had an ass of extreme sensitivity 367 While she sat on the lap 368 Of a German or Jap, 369She could sense Fifth Column activity. 370% 371A graduate student named Zac 372Was said to be great in the sack. 373 An inch of his boner 374 Put girls in a coma 375And two gave them epileptic attacks. 376% 377A greedy young lady from Sidney 378Liked it in up to her kidney, 379 Till a man from Quebec 380 Shoved it up to her neck-- 381He really diddled her, didn' he? 382% 383A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds 384Once swallowed a package of seeds. 385 In a month, his ass 386 Was covered with grass 387And his balls were grown over with weeds. 388% 389A guest in a household quite charmless 390Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 391 "If you're caught unawares 392 At the head of the stairs, 393Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 394 -- Edward Gorey 395% 396A habit depraved and unsavory 397Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 398 Midst screeches and howls 399 He deflowered young owls 400Which he kept in an underground aviary 401% 402A habit obscene and bizarre, 403Has taken a-hold of papa. 404 He brings home young camels 405 And other odd mammals, 406And gives them a go at mama. 407% 408A habit obscene and unsavory, 409Holds a CS professor in slavery. 410 With maniacal howls, 411 He deflowers young owls, 412That he keeps in an underground aviary. 413% 414A hacker who screwed a mag tape 415Was caught and convicted of rape. 416 To jail he did go, 417 From which, to his woe 418He couldn't get out with ESC. 419% 420A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 421Made love to the drive of his disk. 422 The thing circumsized him, 423 Which rather suprised him. 424He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 425% 426A handsome young rodent named Gratian 427As a lifeguard became a sensation. 428 All the lady mice waved 429 And screamed to be saved 430By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. 431% 432A happy old hooker named Grace 433Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. 434 It was hard for beginners 435 To tell who were winners: 436There were cunt hairs all over the place. 437% 438A hardware debugger named Court 439Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. 440 But its buffer array 441 Only handled 1K, 442So the port's driver cut it off short. 443% 444A haughty young wench of Del Norte 445Would fuck only men over forty. 446 Said she, "It's too quick 447 With a young fellow's prick; 448I like it to last, and be warty." 449% 450A headstrong young woman in Ealing 451Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; 452 When quizzed why she did, 453 She replied, "To be rid 454Of a strange, overpowering feeling." 455 -- Edward Gorey 456% 457A hearty young fellow named Yost 458Once had an affair with a ghost. 459 At the height of the spasm 460 The poor ectoplasm 461Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." 462% 463A hidebound young virgin named Carrie 464Would say, when the fellows got hairy: 465 "Keep your prick in your pants 466 Till the end of this dance--" 467Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. 468% 469A highly aesthetic young Jew 470Had eyes of a heavenly blue; 471 The end of his dillie 472 Was shaped like a lilly, 473And his balls were too utterly two! 474% 475A highway patrol buff named Claire, 476Once screwed half a troop on a dare, 477 And her parts grew so hot, 478 There was steam on her twat, 479So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! 480% 481A horny young fellow named Reg, 482Was jerking off under a hedge. 483 The gardener drew near 484 With a huge pruning shear, 485And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. 486% 487A huge-organed female in Dallas, 488Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, 489 Was virgo intacto, 490 Because, ipso facto, 491No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. 492% 493A joker who haunts Monticello 494Is really a terrible fellow. 495 In the midst of caresses 496 He fills ladies dresses 497With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. 498% 499A lacklustre lady of Brougham 500Weaveth all night at her loom. 501 Anon she doth blench 502 When her lord and his wench 503Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. 504% 505A lad, at his first copulation, 506Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, 507 Gyration, elation 508 Throughout the duration, 509I guess I'll give up masturbation." 510% 511A lad from far-off Transvaal 512Was lustful, but tactful withal. 513 He'd say, just for luck, 514 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" 515But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. 516% 517A lad of the brainier kind 518Had erogenous zones in his mind. 519 He got his sensations, 520 By solving equations, 521(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) 522% 523A lady born under a curse 524Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; 525 From the back she would wail 526 Through a thickness of veil: 527"Things do not get better, but worse." 528 -- Edward Gorey 529% 530A lady both callous and brash 531Met a man with a vast black moustache; 532 She cried, "Shave it, O do! 533 And I'll put it with glue 534On my hat as a sort of panache." 535 -- Edward Gorey 536% 537A lady from Kalamazoo 538Once found she had nothing to do, 539 So she sat on the stairs 540 And she counted her hairs: 5414,302. 542% 543A lady from Old Little Rock 544In fidelity took little stock, 545 And deserted her man 546 In the streets of Japan 547For a boy with a prehensile cock. 548% 549A lady removing her scanties, 550Heard them crackle electrical chanties. 551 Said her beau, "Have no fear, 552 For the reason is clear: 553You simply have amps in your panties. 554% 555A lady stockholder quite hetera 556Decided her fortune to bettera: 557 On the floor, quite unclad, 558 She successively had 559Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... 560% 561A lady was seized with intent 562To revise her existence misspent. 563 So she climbed up the dome 564 Of St. Peter's in Rome, 565Where she stayed through the following Lent. 566 -- Edward Gorey 567% 568A lady, while dining in Crewe, 569Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 570 Said the waiter, "Don't shout 571 Or wave it about 572Or the others will ask for one, too." 573% 574A lady who signs herself "Vexed" 575Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: 576 "I don't mind my shins 577 Being stuck full of pins, 578But I fear I am coming unsexed." 579 -- Edward Gorey 580% 581A lady with features cherubic 582Was famed for her area pubic. 583 When they asked her its size 584 She replied in surprise, 585"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" 586% 587A lass at the foot of her class 588Asked a brainier chick how to pass. 589 She replied, "With no fuss 590 You can get a B-plus, 591By letting the prof pat your ass." 592% 593A lecherous barkeep named Dale, 594After fucking his favorite female, 595 Mixed Drambuie and scotch 596 With the cream in her crotch 597For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. 598% 599A licentious old justice of Salem 600Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. 601 But instead of a fine 602 He would stand them in line, 603With his common-law tool to impale 'em. 604% 605A limerick packs laughs anatomical 606Into space that is quite economical. 607 But the good ones I've seen 608 So seldom are clean, 609And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 610% 611A linguist thought it a farce 612That memory space was so sparse. 613 One day they increased it. 614 Said he as he seized it: 615"At last! Enough core for the parse". 616% 617A lonely young lad of Eton 618Used always to sleep with the heat on, 619 Till he ran into a lass 620 Who showed him her ass -- 621Now they sleep with only a sheet on. 622% 623A lovely young diver named Nancy, 624Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, 625 The fish of Bonaire, 626 Watched her Derriere, 627And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. 628% 629A lovely young maid from St. Jude 630Once rode through the streets in the nude. 631 The police cried, "Whatam-- 632 Agnificent bottom" 633And slapped it as hard as they could. 634% 635A lusty young maid from Seattle 636Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; 637 Till she found a bull 638 Who filled her so full 639It made both her ovaries rattle. 640% 641A lusty young woodsman of Maine 642For years with no woman had lain, 643 But he found sublimation 644 At a high elevation 645In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! 646% 647A madam who ran a bordello 648Put come in her pineapple jello, 649 For the rich, sexy taste 650 And not wanting to waste 651That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. 652% 653A maestro directing in Rome 654Had a quaint way of driving it home. 655 Whoever he climbed 656 Had to keep her tail timed 657To the beat of his old metronome. 658% 659A maiden who lived in Virginny 660Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. 661 The horsey set rushed her, 662 But success finally crushed her 663For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. 664% 665A maiden who travelled in France 666Once got on a train, just by chance. 667 The engineer fucked her, 668 The conductor sucked her, 669And the fireman came in his pants. 670% 671A maiden who wrote of big cities 672Some songs full of love, fun and pities, 673 Sold her stuff at the shop 674 Of a musical wop 675Who played with her soft little titties. 676% 677A man was once heard to boast, 678That he received a parcel by post, 679 It contained, so we heard, 680 A magnificent turd, 681And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. 682% 683A marine being sent to Hong Kong 684Got a doctor to alter his dong. 685 He sailed off with a tool 686 Flat and thin as a rule - 687When he got there he found he was wrong. 688% 689A mathematician named Hall 690Had a hexhedronical ball, 691 And the square of its weight 692 Times his pecker's, plus eight, 693Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. 694% 695A mathematician named Hall 696Has a hexahedronical ball, 697 And the cube of its weight 698 Times his pecker's, plus eight 699Is his phone number -- give him a call... 700% 701A mathematician named Klein 702Thought the Mobius band was divine. 703 Said he, "If you glue 704 The edges of two, 705You'll get a weird bottle like mine! 706% 707A middle-aged codger named Bruin 708Found his love life completely in ruin, 709 For he flirted with flirts 710 Wearing pants and no skirts, 711And he never got in for no screwin'. 712% 713A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, 714Who was lonely and wanted a futter. 715 She had nowhere to turn, 716 So she diddled a churn, 717And managed to come with the butter. 718% 719A mortician who practised in Fife 720Made love to the corpse of his wife. 721 "How could I know, Judge? 722 She was cold, did not budge-- 723Just the same as she'd acted in life." 724% 725A nasty old drunk in Carmel 726Thinks it funny to piss in the well. 727 He says, "Some don't favor 728 That unusual flavor, 729But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" 730% 731A nervous young fellow named Fred 732Took a charming young widow to bed. 733 When he'd diddled a while 734 She remarked with a smile, 735"You've got it all in but the head." 736% 737A new dramatist of the absurd 738Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 739 I learn from my spies 740 He's about to devise 741An unprintable three-letter word. 742% 743A newlywed couple from Goshen 744Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. 745 In twenty-eight days 746 They got laid eighty ways -- 747Imagine such fucking devotion! 748% 749A newly-wed man of Peru 750Found himself in a terrible stew: 751 His wife was in bed 752 Much deader than dead, 753And so he had no one to screw. 754% 755A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, 756In the pleasures of men was well-versed. 757 Reads the sign o'er the head 758 Of her well-rumpled bed 759"The customer always comes first." 760% 761A novice was told by the Abbot: 762"Consider the goat and the rabbit. 763 While they roll in the hay 764 You just stay home and pray. 765You've got to get out of that habit." 766% 767A nudist resort at Benares 768Took a midget in all unawares. 769 But he made members weep 770 For he just couldn't keep 771His nose out of private affairs. 772% 773A nurse motivated by spite 774Tied her infantine charge to a kite; 775 She launched it with ease 776 On the afternoon breeze, 777And watched till it flew out of sight. 778 -- Edward Gorey 779% 780A pansy who lived in Khartoum 781Took a lesbian up to his room. 782 They argued all night 783 Over who had the right 784To do what, with which, and to whom. 785% 786A passionate red-haired girl 787When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, 788 And her twat would get wet, 789 And would wiggle and fret, 790And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. 791% 792A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux 793Fell in love with a dashing young beau. 794 To arrest his regard 795 She would squat in his yard 796And longingly pee in the sneaux. 797% 798A physical fellow named Fisk 799Could screw at a rate very brisk. 800 So fast was his action 801 The Fitzgerald contraction 802Would shrink up his rod to a disk. 803% 804A pious old woman named Tweak 805Had taught her vagina to speak. 806 It was frequently liable 807 To quote from the Bible, 808But when fucking -- not even a squeak! 809% 810A pious young lady named Finnegan 811Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; 812 So time it aright, 813 Make it last through the night, 814For I certainly don't want to sin again!" 815% 816A pious young lady of Chichester 817Made all of the saints in their niches stir 818 And each morning at matin 819 Her breast in pink satin 820Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. 821% 822A playful young chemist named Byrd 823Had an urge that could not be deferred. 824 So to irritate Knox 825 He shit in his sox, 826And plastered the walls with his turd. 827% 828A plumber whose name was John Brink 829Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. 830 Her resistance was stout, 831 And John Brink petered out, 832With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. 833% 834A pretty wife living in Tours 835Demanded her daily amour. 836 But the husband said, "No! 837 It's to much. Let it go! 838My backsides are dragging the floor." 839% 840A pretty young boy known as Kevin 841Was raped in a pasture by seven 842 Lascivious beasts 843 (Oh, those Anglican priests) 844And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. 845% 846A pretty young lady named Vogel 847Once sat herself down on a molehill. 848 A curious mole 849 Nosed into her hole -- 850Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 851% 852A pretty young maiden from France 853Decided she'd "just take a chance." 854 She let herself go 855 For an hour or so, 856And now all her sisters are aunts. 857% 858A princess who lived near a bog 859Met a prince in the form of a frog. 860 Now she and her prince 861 Are the parents of quints, 862Four boys and one fine polliwog. 863% 864A princess who reigned in Baroda 865Made her home on a purple pagoda. 866 She festooned the walls 867 Of her halls with the balls 868And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. 869% 870A programmer down in Moline 871Said, I'm the match for any machine. 872 My secret's aversion, 873 To loops and recursion, 874Just acres of in-line routine. 875 -- W.J. Wilson 876% 877A progressive professor named Winners 878Held classes each evening for sinners. 879 They were graded and spaced 880 So the vile and debased 881Would not be held back by beginners. 882% 883A rapist who reeked of cheap booze 884Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. 885 She cried, "I suppose 886 There's no time for my clothes, 887But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" 888% 889A rapturous young fellatrix 890One day was at work on five pricks. 891 With an unholy cry 892 She whipped out her glass eye: 893"Tell the boys I can now take on six." 894% 895A reckless young lady of France 896Had no qualms about taking a chance, 897 But she thought it was crude 898 To get screwed in the nude, 899So she always went home with damp pants. 900% 901A remarkable race are the Persians, 902They have such peculiar diversions. 903 They screw the whole day 904 In the regular way, 905And save up the nights for perversions. 906% 907A responsive young girl from the East 908In bed was an able artiste. 909 She had learned two positions 910 From family physicians, 911And ten more from the old parish priest. 912% 913A romantic attraction has clung 914To a chap of whom damsels have sung: 915 "'Tis the Scourge from the East, 916 That lascivious beast 917Who was known as Attila the Hung!" 918% 919A sailor who slept in the sun, 920Woke to find his fly buttons undone, 921 He remarked with a smile, 922 "Good grief, a sun-dial! 923And now it's a quarter-past one." 924% 925A savvy young hooker named Gail 926Got busted and lodged in the jail. 927 But the jailer got hot, 928 To be lodged in her twat, 929And so Gail made the bail with her tail. 930% 931A scandal involving an oyster 932Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister 933 She preferred it, in bed, 934 To the count (so she said) 935'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. 936% 937A scream from the crypt of St. Giles 938Resounded for miles upon miles. 939 Said the friar, "Good gracious, 940 The brother Ignatious 941Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." 942% 943A seafaring hacker named Slatey 944Went to bed with a VAX/780. 945 The thing's learned to swear 946 With a nautical air, 947And refers to its users as "matey". 948% 949A sex-loving coed named Bree 950Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. 951 The joystick, she found, 952 Had been fooling around 953With a neighboring student's PC. 954% 955A silly young man from Hong Kong 956Had hands that were skinny and long. 957 He ate rice with his fingers-- 958 The taste of it lingers, 959But now all his fingers are gone. 960% 961A slick talking pirate named Bruce 962To steal code, had a plan to seduce 963 An Apple II+. 964 Now Bruce wears a truss 965And was jailed for computer abuse. 966% 967A software technician from Digital 968Had hardware extremely prodigical. 969 It's rumoured, I hear, 970 That when he was near 971He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. 972% 973A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, 974Made love to a lovely girl sentry. 975 She started to pout, 976 Because it fell out, 977But the mission was saved by re-entry. 978% 979A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, 980His moment of sexual truth. 981 He'd expected to fall 982 On a womb's spongy wall 983But was dashed to his death on a tooth. 984% 985A spinster in Kalamazoo 986Once strolled after dark by the zoo. 987 She was seized by the nape, 988 And fucked by an ape, 989And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." 990 991And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, 992But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry 993 A man with a prick 994 Half as stiff and as thick 995As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." 996% 997A spunky young schoolboy named Fred 998Used totoss off each night while in bed. 999 Said his mother, "Dear lad, 1000 That's exceedingly bad-- 1001Jump in here with your mamma instead." 1002% 1003A starship commander named Kirk 1004Emerged from his cabin berserk. 1005 He grabbed a girl yeoman 1006 Beneath the abdomen, 1007And gave her a physical jerk. 1008% 1009A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, 1010Was having a captive, a person 1011 Who was not averse 1012 Though she had the curse, 1013And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. 1014% 1015A structured programmer named Drew 1016Was intensely turned on by "goto". 1017 When he saw it in code 1018 He'd shoot off his load. 1019It's a good thing his shop used so few. 1020% 1021A studious professor named Nestor 1022Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. 1023 But she drained out his balls 1024 And skipped up the walls, 1025Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. 1026% 1027A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1028Went down on her beau in the garden. 1029 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1030 Don't swallow that mess!" 1031And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1032% 1033A systems programmer named Sprotic 1034Found his software intensely erotic. 1035 In jealous distress 1036 He wiped his OS. 1037It's possible that he's psychotic. 1038% 1039A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, 1040Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. 1041 While the man detumesced 1042 She still spent on with zest, 1043Her rapture sheer anachronism. 1044% 1045A team playing baseball in Dallas 1046Called the umpire blind out of malice. 1047 While this worthy had fits 1048 The team made eight hits 1049And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1050% 1051A teenage protester named Lil 1052Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill 1053 First they bugged our martinis, 1054 Our bras and bikinis, 1055And now they are bugging the pill." 1056% 1057A thrice-married gal from L.A. 1058Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, 1059 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, 1060 The voyeur only gawked at it, 1061And my most recent man's a gourmet." 1062% 1063A tidy young lady of Streator 1064Dearly loved to nibble a peter. 1065 She always would say, 1066 "I prefer it this way. 1067I think it is very much neater." 1068% 1069A timid young woman named Jane 1070Found parties a terrible strain; 1071 With movements uncertain 1072 She'd hide in a curtain 1073And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. 1074 -- Edward Gorey 1075% 1076A tired young trollop of Nome 1077Was worn out from her toes to her dome. 1078 Eight miners came screwing, 1079 But she said, "Nothing doing; 1080One of you has to go home!" 1081% 1082A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 1083Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 1084 The result of this fuck 1085 Was a three titted duck, 1086A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 1087% 1088A tutor who tooted a flute 1089Tried to tutor two tutors to toot 1090 Said the two to the tutor: 1091 "Is it harder to toot or 1092To tutor two tutors to toot" 1093% 1094A vengeful technician named Schmitz 1095Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. 1096 He covered the platter 1097 With bats' fecal matter. 1098Now it's seek time is really the pits. 1099% 1100A very intelligent turtle 1101Found programming UNIX a hurdle 1102 The system, you see, 1103 Ran as slow as did he, 1104And that's not saying much for the turtle. 1105% 1106A very odd pair are the Pitts: 1107His balls are as large as her tits, 1108 Her tits are as large 1109 As an invasion barge-- 1110Neither knows how the other cohabits. 1111% 1112A wanton young lady from Wimley 1113Reproached for not acting quite primly 1114 Said, "Heavens above! 1115 I know sex isn't love, 1116But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 1117% 1118A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1119She used it for many a bunt. 1120 But the unlucky wench 1121 Got it caught in her trench --- 1122It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1123To get the thing out of her cunt. 1124% 1125A weary old lecher named Blott 1126Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. 1127 Too lazy to rape her, 1128 He made darts out of paper, 1129Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. 1130% 1131A whimsical fellow named Bloch 1132Could beat the base drum with his cock. 1133 With a special erection 1134 He could play a selection 1135From Johann Sebastian Bach. 1136% 1137A wicked stone cutter named Cary 1138Drilled holes in divine statuary. 1139 With eyes full of malice 1140 He pulled out his phallus, 1141And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. 1142% 1143A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket 1144Had a hole as big as a basket. 1145 A spot, as a bride, 1146 In it now, you could hide, 1147And include with your luggage your mascot. 1148% 1149A widow whose singular vice 1150Was to keep her late husband on ice 1151 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- 1152 I'll never defrost him! 1153Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." 1154% 1155A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1156His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1157 He can take in his beak 1158 Enough food for a week. 1159I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1160% 1161A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, 1162Renowned for the length of their peenies. 1163 The hair on their balls 1164 Sweeps the floors of their halls, 1165But they don't look at women, the meanies. 1166% 1167A wood-fetish busboy named Gable 1168Is rapid, is thorough, is able; 1169 But when everything's cleared, 1170 He gives way to the weird, 1171As he lovingly busses each table. 1172% 1173A worn-out young husband named Lehr 1174Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: 1175 "Slip on a sheath, quick, 1176 Then slip your big dick 1177Between these lips covered with hair." 1178% 1179A worried young man from Stamboul 1180Discovered red spots on his tool. 1181 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1182 "Get out of my clinic 1183Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." 1184% 1185A young bride and groom of Australia 1186Remarked as they joined genitalia: 1187 "Though the system seems odd, 1188 We are thankful that God 1189Developed the genus Mammalia." 1190% 1191A young fellow discovered through Freud 1192That although of penis devoid, 1193 He could practice coitus 1194 By eating a foetus, 1195And his parents were quite overjoyed. 1196% 1197A young Juliet of St. Louis 1198On a balcony stood acting screwy. 1199 Her Romeo climbed, 1200 But he wasn't well timed, 1201And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! 1202% 1203A young lad named Lester McGraw 1204Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. 1205 As he watched him stick her 1206 He said, with a snicker, 1207"You do it much faster than Paw." 1208% 1209A young lady sat by the sea, 1210Just as proper as proper could be. 1211 A young fellow goosed her, 1212 And roughly seduced her, 1213So she thanked him and went home to tea. 1214% 1215A young lady who lived by the Usk 1216Subsisted each day on a rusk; 1217 She ate the first bite 1218 Before it was light, 1219And the last crumb sometime after dusk. 1220 -- Edward Gorey 1221% 1222A young lass got married at Chester; 1223Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. 1224 Said she, "You're in luck -- 1225 'E's a stunning good fuck, 1226For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." 1227% 1228A young maiden from France was no prude, 1229She decided to dive in the nude, 1230 But her buddy, behind, 1231 Went out of his mind, 1232When he noticed where she was tatooed. 1233% 1234A young man by a girl was desired 1235To give her the thrills she required, 1236 But he died of old age 1237 Ere his cock could assuage 1238The volcanic desire it inspired. 1239% 1240A young man from the banks of the Po 1241Found his cock had elongated so, 1242 That when he'd pee 1243 It was never he 1244But only his neighbors who'd know. 1245% 1246A young man grew increasingly peaky 1247In a house where the hinges were squeaky, 1248 The ferns curled up brown, 1249 The ceilings flaked down, 1250And all of the faucets were leaky. 1251 -- Edward Gorey 1252% 1253A young man maintained that his trigger 1254Was so big that there weren't any bigger. 1255 But this long and thick pud 1256 Was so heavy it could 1257Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. 1258% 1259A young man of acumen and daring, 1260Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, 1261 Was left quite alone 1262 When it soon became known 1263That their use at his board was unsparing. 1264 -- Edward Gorey 1265% 1266A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll 1267While bent over plucking a dingle 1268 Had the whole of Eisteddfod 1269 Taking turns at his pod 1270While they sang some impossible jingle. 1271% 1272A young man with passions quite gingery 1273Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. 1274 He slapped her behind 1275 And made up his mind 1276To add incest to insult and injury. 1277% 1278A young polo-player of Berkeley 1279Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. 1280 In the midst of each chukker 1281 He would break off and fuck her 1282Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. 1283% 1284A young violinist from Rio 1285Was seducing a woman named Cleo. 1286 As she took down her panties 1287 She said, "No andantes; 1288I want this allegro con brio!" 1289% 1290A young wife in the outskirts of Reims 1291Preferred frigging to going to mass. 1292 Said her husband, "Take Jacques, 1293 Or any young cock, 1294For I cannot live up to your ass." 1295% 1296A young woman got married at Chester, 1297Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. 1298 Says she, "You're in luck, 1299 He's a stunning good fuck, 1300For I've had him myself down in Leicester." 1301% 1302According to experts, the oyster 1303In its shell - a crustacean cloister - 1304 May frequently be 1305 Either he or a she 1306Or both, if it should be its choice ter. 1307% 1308Alas for the Countess d'Isere, 1309Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. 1310 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" 1311 When he parted her thighs; 1312"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." 1313% 1314All the female apes ran from King Kong 1315For his dong was unspeakably long. 1316 But a friendly giraffe 1317 Quaffed his yard and a half, 1318And ecstatically burst into song. 1319% 1320An aesthete from South Carolina 1321Had a cock that tickled like China, 1322 But while shooting his load 1323 It cracked like old Spode, 1324So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. 1325% 1326An agreeable girl named Miss Doves 1327Likes to jack off the young men she loves. 1328 She will use her bare fist 1329 If the fellows insist 1330But she really prefers to wear gloves. 1331% 1332An AI researcher named Bluth 1333Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, 1334 Eroticon VI, 1335 Which he taught certain tricks 1336Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. 1337% 1338An amazon giantess named Dunne 1339Let a midget screw her for fun. 1340 But the poor little runt 1341 Was engulfed in her cunt 1342And re-born as the twin of his son. 1343% 1344An ambitious lady named Harriet 1345Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot 1346 By seventeen sailors 1347 A monk and three tailors, 1348Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. 1349% 1350An anonymous woman we knew 1351Was dozing one day in her pew; 1352 When the preacher yelled "Sin!" 1353 She said, "Count me in 1354As soon as the service is through." 1355% 1356An architect fellow named Yoric 1357Could, when feeling euphoric, 1358 Display for selection 1359 Three kinds of erection- 1360Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 1361% 1362An ardent young man named Magruder 1363Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. 1364 She thought it quite lewd 1365 To be wooed in the nude, 1366But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. 1367% 1368An Argentine gaucho named Bruno 1369Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. 1370 Women are fine 1371 And sheep are divine 1372But llamas are numero uno." 1373% 1374An ARPAnaut name of Corvette 1375Had a fetish involving the net. 1376 As he fondled his IMP 1377 His cock went from limp 1378To as hard as concrete which has set. 1379% 1380An arrogant wench from Salt Lake 1381Liked to tease all the boys on the make. 1382 She was finally the prize 1383 Of a man twice her size 1384And all she recalls is the ache. 1385% 1386An artist who lived in Australia 1387Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1388 The drawing was fine, 1389 The colour - divine, 1390The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1391% 1392An eager young hacker named Gus 1393Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1394 The hardware went bad, 1395 But not the young lad 1396(Except for the toupee and truss). 1397% 1398An Edwardian father named Udgeon, 1399Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, 1400 Used on Saturday nights 1401 To turn down the lights, 1402And chase them around with a bludgeon. 1403 -- Edward Gorey 1404% 1405An envious girl named McMeanus 1406Was jealous of her lover's big penis. 1407 It was small consolation 1408 That the rest of the nation 1409Of women were with her in weeness. 1410% 1411An exotic young lady named Suki 1412Once danced in a troupe of kabuki 1413 When asked for a fuck 1414 She said, "Solly, no luck-- 1415See here: looky looky, no nuki " 1416% 1417An impish young fellow named James 1418Had a passion for idiot games. 1419 He lighted the hair 1420 Of his lady's affair 1421And laughed as she pissed through the flames. 1422% 1423An impotent Scot named MacDougall 1424Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. 1425 He was gathering semen 1426 To gender a he-man, 1427By screwing his wife through a bugle. 1428% 1429An incautious young woman named Venn 1430Was seen with the wrong sort of men; 1431 She vanished one day, 1432 But the following May 1433Her legs were retrieved from a fen. 1434 -- Edward Gorey 1435% 1436An indefatigable woman named Bavel 1437Had often occasion to travel; 1438 On the way she would sit 1439 And furiously knit, 1440And on the way back she'd unravel. 1441 -- Edward Gorey 1442% 1443An ingenious young man in South Bend 1444Made a synthetic ass for a friend, 1445 But the friend shortly found 1446 Its construction unsound, 1447It was simply a bother -- no end. 1448% 1449An innocent maiden named Herridge 1450Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; 1451 When she later found out 1452 What her spouse was about, 1453She threw herself under a carriage. 1454 -- Edward Gorey 1455% 1456An inquisitive virgin named Dora 1457Asked the man who started to bore 'er: 1458 "Do you mean birds and bees 1459 Go through antics like these, 1460To suppy us our fauna and flora?" 1461% 1462An irate young lady named Booker 1463Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! 1464 If you want it queer ways, 1465 Go to whores for your lays!" 1466So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. 1467% 1468An octagenerian Jew 1469To his wife remained steadfastly true. 1470 This was not from compunction, 1471 But due to dysfunction 1472Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. 1473% 1474An old couple just at Shrovetide 1475Were having a piece -- when he died. 1476 The wife for a week 1477 Sat tight on his peak, 1478And bounced up and down as she cried. 1479% 1480An old electronic designer 1481Had designs on a minor named Dinah. 1482 He couldn't carry them out 1483 For his prick was too stout, 1484And too small was the minor's vagina. 1485% 1486An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings 1487Were a terrible trial to his siblings, 1488 But he was not removed 1489 Till one day it was proved 1490That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. 1491 -- Edward Gorey 1492% 1493An old maid who had a pet ape 1494Lived in fear of perpetual rape. 1495 His red, hairy phallus 1496 So filled her with malice 1497That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. 1498% 1499An old man at the Folies Bergere 1500Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: 1501 It snipped off a twat-curl 1502 From each new chorus girl, 1503And he had a wig made of the hair. 1504% 1505An organist playing in York 1506Had a prick that could hold a small fork, 1507 And between obbligatos 1508 He'd munch at tomatoes, 1509To keep up his strength while at work. 1510% 1511An orgasmic young sex star named Sue 1512Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. 1513 Her climatic fame spread 1514 With an ad blitz that said: 1515Coming soon at a theater near you! 1516% 1517An uptight young lady named Breerley 1518Who valued her morals too dearly 1519 Had sex, so I hear, 1520 Only once every year, 1521And she strained her vagina severely. 1522% 1523An earnest young woman in Thrace 1524Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" 1525 So he gave her a thwack, 1526 And did on her back, 1527What he couldn't have done face to face. 1528% 1529And then there's the story that's fraught 1530With disaster -- of balls that got caught, 1531 When a chap took a crap 1532 In the woods, and a trap 1533Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! 1534% 1535As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops 1536Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. 1537 Since he thinks it's effete 1538 To be beating his meat, 1539What he's into is licking his chops. 1540% 1541As he came in his chubby choirboy, 1542Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! 1543 If no sodomy levens 1544 And possible heavens, 1545Existence will merely annoy." 1546% 1547As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, 1548Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! 1549 I could not bear the loss, 1550 For with scarlet silk floss 1551My mama has embroidered their clocks." 1552 -- Edward Gorey 1553% 1554As tourists inspected the apse 1555An ominous series of raps 1556 Came from under the altar, 1557 Which caused some to falter 1558And others to shriek and collapse. 1559 -- Edward Gorey 1560% 1561Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, 1562"Do I sin if I do what I want, if 1563 I screw a young nun 1564 In the eastertide sun?" 1565His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." 1566% 1567At a contest for farting in Butte 1568One lady's exertion was cute: 1569 It won the diploma 1570 For fetid aroma, 1571And three judges were felled by the brute. 1572% 1573At a dance, a girl from Connecticut 1574Showed an absolute absence of etiquette 1575 Letting all comers press 1576 Through the skirt of her dress 1577And wiping the mess with her petticoat. 1578% 1579At the end of all civilization 1580Is the planet Terminus's location. 1581 There's a girl there whose feat, 1582 Without stone or concrete, 1583Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. 1584% 1585At the moment Japan declared war 1586A sailor was fucking a whore. 1587 He said, "After this poke 1588 `Long and hard' ain't no joke; 1589This means months 'til I get back ashore." 1590% 1591At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers 1592Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; 1593 It beats all night long 1594 A dirge on a gong 1595As it staggers about in the creepers. 1596 -- Edward Gorey 1597% 1598At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, 1599Though of love we are never penurious. 1600 Thanks to vulcanized aids, 1601 Though we may die old maids, 1602At least we shall never die curious. 1603% 1604At whist drives and strawberry teas 1605Fan would giggle and show off her knees; 1606 But when she was alone 1607 She'd drink eau de cologne, 1608And weep from a sense of unease. 1609 -- Edward Gorey 1610% 1611Augustus, for splashing his soup, 1612Was put for the night on the stoop; 1613 In the morning he'd not 1614 Repented a jot, 1615And next day he was dead of the croup. 1616 -- Edward Gorey 1617% 1618Back in the days of old Adam 1619The grass served as mattress for madam, 1620 And they spent the whole day 1621 On the sex that today 1622They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. 1623% 1624Each Friday his engines abort, 1625But Scotty is never caught short. 1626 He fills his machines 1627 With space-navy beans, 1628And farts the ship back into port. 1629% 1630Each night Father fills me with dread 1631When he sits on the foot of my bed; 1632 I'd not mind that he speaks 1633 In gibbers and squeaks, 1634But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1635 -- Edward Gorey 1636% 1637From deep in the crypt at St. Giles 1638Came a bellow that echoed for miles. 1639 Said the rector, "My gracious, 1640 Has Father Ignatius 1641Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" 1642% 1643From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, 1644There is really abominable news; 1645 They've discovered a head 1646 In the box for the bread, 1647But nobody seems to know whose. 1648 -- Edward Gorey 1649% 1650From the bathing machine came a din 1651As of jollification within; 1652 It was heard far and wide, 1653 And the incoming tide 1654Had a definite flavour of gin. 1655 -- Edward Gorey 1656% 1657"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" 1658Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. 1659 "Since dating Miss Baugh, 1660 My whole tongue has been raw-- 1661It must have been something I ate." 1662% 1663In the case of a lady named Frost, 1664Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, 1665 It's the best part of valor 1666 To bugger the gal, or 1667You're apt to fall in and get lost. 1668% 1669In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, 1670Complacently stroking his madam, 1671 And loud was his mirth 1672 For on all of the earth 1673There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. 1674% 1675It always delights me at Hank's 1676To walk up the old river banks. 1677 One time in the grass 1678 I stepped on an ass, 1679And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." 1680% 1681It had snowed, and the man in the drift, 1682Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" 1683 They sat in her Bentley, 1684 She fondled him gently, 1685And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! 1686% 1687The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- 1688No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. 1689 Where ten thousand virgins 1690 Succumbed to his urgin's 1691There now stands the great State of Utah. 1692% 1693The latest reports from Good Hope 1694State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, 1695 And fuck high, wide, and free, 1696 From the top of one tree 1697To the top of the next -- what a scope! 1698% 1699The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, 1700Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. 1701 Once Congress in session, 1702 Declared its suppression, 1703But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. 1704% 1705The limerick is furtive and mean; 1706You must keep her in close quarantine, 1707 Or she sneaks to the slums 1708 And promptly becomes 1709Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1710 -- Morris Bishop 1711% 1712The old archeologist, Throstle, 1713Discovered a marvelous fossil. 1714 He knew from its bend 1715 And the knot on the end, 1716T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 1717% 1718There was a young man from the Coast 1719Who had an affair with a ghost. 1720 At the height of orgasm 1721 Said the pallid phantasm, 1722"I think I can feel it -- almost!" 1723% 1724There once was a bishop from Birmingham 1725Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. 1726 As they knelt on the hassock 1727 He lifted his cassock 1728And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. 1729% 1730There once was a boy named Carruthers 1731Who was busily fucking his mother 1732 "I know it's a sin," 1733 He said, shoving it in, 1734"But it's better than blowing my brother." 1735% 1736There once was a chick named Longet, 1737Who went out to Aspen to play. 1738 Along came a Spyder, 1739 Who sat down beside her 1740And she blew the poor bastard away. 1741% 1742There once was a clergyman's daughter 1743Who detested the pony he bought her, 1744 Till she found that its dong 1745 Was as hard and as long 1746As the prayers her father had taught her. 1747 1748She married a fellow named Tony 1749Who soon found her fucking the pony. 1750 Said he, "What's it got, 1751 My dear, that I've not?" 1752Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." 1753% 1754There once was a couple named Kelley, 1755Who lived their life belly to belly. 1756 Because in their haste 1757 They used library paste, 1758Instead of petroleum jelly. 1759% 1760There once was a dentist named Stone 1761Who saw all his patients alone. 1762 In a fit of depravity 1763 He filled the wrong cavity, 1764And my, how his practice has grown! 1765% 1766There once was a Duchess of Beever 1767Who slept with her golden retriever. 1768 Said the potted old Duke: 1769 "Such tricks make me puke! 1770Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." 1771% 1772There once was a Duchess of Bruges 1773Whose cunt was incredibly huge. 1774 Said the king to this dame 1775 As he thunderously came: 1776"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" 1777% 1778There once was a fag of Khartoom 1779Who spent the night in a Lesbians room. 1780 They argued all night, 1781 Over who had the right, 1782To do what, and with which, and to whom. 1783% 1784There once was a fairy named Avers 1785Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. 1786 Though buggers all claimed 1787 That their asses were maimed, 1788Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. 1789% 1790There once was a fellow named Bob 1791Who in sexual ways was a snob. 1792 One day he was swimmin' 1793 With twelve naked women 1794And deserted them all for a gob. 1795% 1796There once was a fellow named Brewster 1797Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, 1798 "It used to be grand 1799 But look at my hand 1800You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." 1801% 1802There once was a fellow named Howard, 1803Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, 1804 While grabbing some ass, 1805 He reached critical mass, 1806But think of the girl he deflowered! 1807% 1808There once was a fellow named Potts 1809Who was prone to having the trots 1810 But his humble abode 1811 Was without a commode 1812So his carpet was covered with spots. 1813% 1814There once was a fellow named Siegel 1815Who attempted to bugger a beagle, 1816 But the mettlesome bitch 1817 Turned and said with a twitch, 1818"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." 1819% 1820There once was a fencer named Fisk, 1821Whose speed was incredibly brisk. 1822 So fast was his action, 1823 The Fitzgerald contraction, 1824Foreshortended his foil to a disk. 1825% 1826There once was a fiesty young terrier 1827Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 1828 He'd yip and he'd yap, 1829 Then leap up and snap; 1830And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 1831% 1832There once was a floozie named Annie 1833Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: 1834 A buck for a fuck, 1835 Fifty cents for a suck, 1836And a dime for a feel of her fanny. 1837% 1838There once was a freshman named Lin, 1839Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 1840 A virgin named Joan 1841 From a bible belt home, 1842Said "This won't be much of a sin." 1843% 1844There once was a gangster named Brown 1845- the sneakiest bastard in town. 1846 He was caught by G-men 1847 Shooting his semen 1848Where the cops would slip and fall down. 1849% 1850There once was a gaucho named Bruno, 1851Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, 1852 Sheep are just fine, 1853 Chickens, divine, 1854But iguanas are Numero Uno." 1855% 1856There once was a gay young Parisian 1857Who screwed an appendix incision, 1858 And the girl of his choice 1859 Could hardly rejoice 1860At the horrible lack of precision. 1861% 1862There once was a girl from Cornell 1863Whose teats were shaped like a bell. 1864 When you touched them they shrunk, 1865 Except when she was drunk, 1866And then they got bigger than hell. 1867% 1868There once was a girl from Decatur, 1869Who got laid by a big alligator. 1870 Now nobody knew 1871 The result of that screw, 1872'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. 1873% 1874There once was a girl from Madras 1875Who had such a beautiful ass - 1876 It was not round and pink 1877 (As you bastards think) 1878But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 1879% 1880There once was a girl from Spokane, 1881Went to bed with a one-legged man. 1882 She said, "I know you-- 1883 You've really got two! 1884Why didn't you say so when we began?" 1885% 1886There once was a girl named Irene 1887Who lived on distilled kerosene 1888 But she started absorbin' 1889 A new hydrocarbon 1890And since then has never benzene. 1891% 1892There once was a girl named Louise 1893Who cunt hair hung down to her knees 1894 The crabs in her twat 1895 Tied the hairs in a knot 1896And constructed a flying trapeze 1897% 1898There once was a girl named Mcgoffin 1899Who was diddled amazingly often. 1900 She was rogered by scores 1901 Who'd been turned down by whores, 1902And was finally screwed in her coffin. 1903% 1904There once was a girl named Priscilla 1905Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. 1906 The taste was so fine 1907 Man and beast stood in line 1908(Including a stud armadilla). 1909% 1910There once was a girl so lovely, 1911Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, 1912 She strapped on her tanks, 1913 And started her pranks, 1914But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. 1915% 1916There once was a golfer named Leer, 1917Who got put in the clink for a year, 1918 For an action obscene, 1919 On the very first green. 1920Where the sign said "Enter course here." 1921% 1922There once was a gouty old colonel 1923Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, 1924 And he cried in his tiffin 1925 For his prick wouldn't stiffen, 1926And the size of the thing was infernal. 1927% 1928There once was a guardsman from Buckingham 1929Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. 1930 But when I meet boys, 1931 God! how I enjoys 1932Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." 1933% 1934There once was a hacker named Ken 1935Who inherited truckloads of Yen. 1936 So he built him some chicks, 1937 Of silicon chips, 1938And hasn't been heard from since then. 1939% 1940There once was a handsome young seaman 1941Who with ladies was really a demon. 1942 In peace or in war, 1943 At sea or on shore, 1944He could certainly dish out the semen. 1945% 1946There once was a horny old bitch 1947With a motorized self-frigger which 1948 She would use with delight 1949 All day long and all night - 1950Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. 1951% 1952There once was a horse named Lily 1953Whose dingus was really a dilly. 1954 It was vaginoid duply, 1955 And labial quadruply -- 1956In fact, he was really a filly. 1957% 1958There once was a husky young Viking 1959Whose sexual prowess was striking. 1960 Every time he got hot 1961 He would scour the twat 1962Of some girl that might be to his liking. 1963% 1964There once was a jolly old bloke 1965Who picked up a girl for a poke. 1966 He took down her pants, 1967 Fucked her into a trance, 1968And then shit into her shoe for a joke. 1969% 1970There once was a kiddie named Carr 1971Caught a man on top of his mar. 1972 As he saw him stick 'er, 1973 He said with a snicker, 1974"You do it much faster than par." 1975% 1976There once was a lady from Kansas 1977Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. 1978 It was nine inches deep 1979 And the sides were quite steep -- 1980It had whiskers like General Carranza's. 1981% 1982There once was a lady named Carter, 1983Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. 1984 She stripped off his pants, 1985 At his prick quickly glanced, 1986And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" 1987% 1988There once was a lady named Clair, 1989Who posessed a magnificent pair. 1990 Or that's what I thought, 1991 Till I saw one get caught, 1992On a thorn and begin losing air. 1993% 1994There once was a lady named Myrtle 1995Who had an affair with a turtle. 1996 She had crabs, so they say, 1997 In a year and a day 1998Which proved that that turtle was fertile. 1999% 2000There once was a lawyer named Rex 2001With minuscule organs of sex. 2002 Arraigned for exposure, 2003 He maintained with composure, 2004"De minimis non curat lex." 2005 2006 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] 2007% 2008There once was a lifeguard named Lee 2009Who rescued a girl from the sea 2010 She asked how to pay, 2011 And he said "Try this way, 2012Go down for the third time on me." 2013% 2014There once was a maid from Mobile 2015Whose cunt was made of blue steel. 2016 She only got thrills 2017 From pneumatic drills 2018And an off-centered emery wheel. 2019% 2020There once was a man from Bombay 2021He would do it all night and all day 2022 He soon became sore 2023 You shoulda' heard him roar 2024When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! 2025% 2026There once was a man from Calcutta 2027Who used to beat off in the gutta 2028 The heat of the sun 2029 Affected his gun 2030And turned all his cream into butta! 2031% 2032There once was a man from Dunoon, 2033Who always ate soup with a fork. 2034 He said "When I eat 2035 Either fish, foul or flesh, 2036I otherwise finish too quick." 2037% 2038There once was a man from Exameter 2039Who had a prodigious diameter 2040 But it wasn't the size 2041 That brought forth the cries 2042'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. 2043% 2044There once was a man from Nantucket 2045Who kept all his cash in a bucket. 2046 His daughter, named Nan, 2047 Ran away with a man, 2048And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 2049 2050The pair of them went to Manhasset, 2051(Nan and the man with the asset.) 2052 Pa followed them there, 2053 But they left in a tear, 2054And as for the asset, Manhasset. 2055 2056Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, 2057(Nan and the man with the bucket.) 2058 Pa said to the man, 2059 "You're welcome to Nan." 2060But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. 2061% 2062There once was a man from Racine, 2063Who invented a screwing machine. 2064 Both concave and convex, 2065 It could please either sex, 2066But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 2067% 2068There once was a man from Sandem 2069Who was making his girl on a tandem. 2070 At the peak of the make 2071 She jammed on the brake 2072And scattered his semen at random. 2073% 2074There once was a man from Sydney 2075Who could put it up to her kidney. 2076 But the man from Quebec 2077 Put it up to her neck; 2078He had a big one, now didn't he? 2079% 2080There once was a man named Lodge, 2081who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2082 When his date was strapped in, 2083 He committed a sin, 2084without ever leaving the garage. 2085% 2086There once was a man named McGruder, 2087Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. 2088 But the girl thought it crude, 2089 To be wooed in the nude, 2090So McGru took an oar and subduder. 2091% 2092There once was a man named McSweeny 2093Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney 2094 So just to be couth 2095 He added vermouth 2096And slipped his best girl a martini. 2097% 2098There once was a man named Parridge 2099With peculiar views on marriage. 2100 He sucked off his brother, 2101 Fucked his own mother, 2102And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. 2103% 2104There once was a man with a hernia 2105Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, 2106 When you work on my middle 2107 Be sure you don't fiddle 2108With things that do not concern ya." 2109% 2110There once was a member of Mensa 2111Who was a most excellent fencer. 2112 The sword that he used 2113 Was his -- (line is refused, 2114And has now been removed by the censor). 2115% 2116There once was a miner named Dave, 2117Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 2118 She was ugly as shit, 2119 And missing one tit, 2120But think of the money he saves. 2121% 2122There once was a monk of Camyre 2123Who was seized with a carnal desire 2124 And the primary cause 2125 Was the abbess's drawers 2126Which were hung up to dry by the fire. 2127% 2128There once was a newspaper vendor, 2129A person of dubious gender. 2130 He would charge one-and-two 2131 For permission to view 2132His remarkable double pudenda. 2133% 2134There once was a plumber from Leigh 2135Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. 2136 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 2137 I think someone's coming!" 2138Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." 2139% 2140There once was a pretty young Mrs. 2141Whose tearful but short story thrs. 2142 Her mind lost its grasp - 2143 Now she thinks she's an asp 2144And just sits in the corner and hrs. 2145% 2146There once was a queen of Bulgaria 2147Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 2148 Till a prince from Peru 2149 Who came up for a screw 2150Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 2151% 2152There once was a reverend at Kings 2153Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. 2154 But his heart was on fire 2155 For a boy in the choir 2156Whose buns were like jelly on springs. 2157% 2158There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel 2159Who said, "They can all go to hell! 2160 What they do to my wife -- 2161 Why it ruins my life; 2162And the worst is they all do it well." 2163% 2164There once was a sailor named Gasted, 2165A swell guy, as long as he lasted, 2166 He could jerk himself off 2167 In a basket, aloft, 2168Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. 2169% 2170There once was a Scot named McAmeter 2171With a tool of prodigious diameter. 2172 It was not the size 2173 That cause such surprise; 2174'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 2175% 2176There once was a son-of-a-bitch, 2177Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, 2178 Yet the girls he would dazzle, 2179 And fuck to a frazzle, 2180And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! 2181% 2182There once was a spaceman named Spock 2183Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. 2184 A girl from Missouri 2185 Whose name was Uhura 2186Just fainted away from the shock. 2187% 2188There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, 2189Discovered his sex life was hapless: 2190 The more he would screw 2191 The more he'd want to, 2192And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. 2193% 2194There once was a Usenetter named Mark, 2195Whose gender was kept in the dark. 2196 He/she/it said with a nod, 2197 "My ancestors were odd!" 2198Did Noah need two for the ark? 2199% 2200There once was a whore from Regina 2201Who had a stupendous vagina. 2202 To save herself time, 2203 She had six at a time, 2204And another one working behind her. 2205% 2206There once was a woman from Arden 2207Who sucked off a man in a garden. 2208 He said, "My dear Flo, 2209 Where does all that stuff go?" 2210And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" 2211% 2212There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield 2213Engaged to look after the deacon's field, 2214 But he lurked in the ditches 2215 And diddled the bitches 2216Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. 2217% 2218There once was a young girl from Natches 2219Who chanced to be born with two snatches 2220 She often said, "Shit! 2221 I'd give either tit 2222For a guy with equipment that matches." 2223% 2224There once was a young man from Boston 2225Who drove around town in an Austin, 2226 There was room for his ass, 2227 And a gallon of gas, 2228So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. 2229% 2230There once was a young man from France 2231Who waited ten years for his chance; 2232Then he muffed it... 2233% 2234There once was a young man from Yuma 2235Who attempted sex with a puma 2236 He gave up real quick 2237 Minus nose, toes, and prick 2238In obvious pain and ill huma. 2239% 2240There once was a young man from Yuma, 2241Who told an elephant joke to a puma. 2242 Now his dry bleached bones lie, 2243 Under hot Asian skies, 2244'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. 2245% 2246There once was a young man named Clyde 2247Who fell in an outhouse, and died. 2248 He had a twin brother 2249 Who fell in another 2250And now they're interred side by side. 2251% 2252There once was a young man named Lancelot 2253Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot 2254 For when he should pass 2255 A desirable lass 2256The front of his pants would advance a lot. 2257% 2258There once was an Arpanet freak, 2259Who better response-time did seek. 2260 He searched coast to coast, 2261 For a reliable host, 2262Whose logger took less than a week. 2263% 2264There once was an old man from Esser, 2265Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 2266 It at last grew so small, 2267 He knew nothing at all, 2268And now he's a College Professor. 2269% 2270There once were two brothers named Luntz 2271Who buggered each other at once. 2272 When asked to account 2273 For this intricate mount, 2274They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." 2275% 2276There was a bluestocking in Florence 2277Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 2278 Till a Spanish grandee, 2279 Got her off with his knee, 2280And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 2281% 2282There was a family named Doe, 2283An ideal family to know. 2284 As father screwed mother, 2285 She said, "You're heavier than brother." 2286And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" 2287% 2288There was a fat lady of China 2289Who'd a really enormous vagina, 2290 And when she was dead 2291 They painted it red, 2292And used it for docking a liner. 2293% 2294There was a fat man from Rangoon 2295Whose prick was much like a ballon. 2296 He tried hard to ride her 2297 And when finally inside her 2298She thought she was pregnant too soon. 2299% 2300There was a gay countess of Bray, 2301And you may think it odd when I say, 2302 That in spite of high station, 2303 Rank and education, 2304She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2305% 2306There was a gay dog from Ontario 2307Who fancied himself a Lothario. 2308 At a wench's glance 2309 He'd snatch off his pants 2310And make for her Mons Venerio. 2311% 2312There was a gay parson of Norton 2313Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. 2314 To make up for this loss, 2315 He had balls like a horse, 2316And never spent less than a quartern. 2317% 2318There was a gay parson of Tooting 2319Whose roe he was frequently shooting, 2320 Till he married a lass 2321 With a face like my arse, 2322And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. 2323% 2324There was a lewd fellow named Duff 2325Who loved to dive deep in the muff. 2326 With his head in a whirl 2327 He said, "Spread it, Pearl; 2328I cunt get enough of the stuff!" 2329% 2330There was a man from Mich. 2331Who used to wish and wich. 2332 That spring would come 2333 So he could bum 2334Around and go out fich. 2335% 2336There was a pianist named Liszt 2337Who played with one hand while he pissed, 2338 But as he grew older 2339 His technique grew bolder, 2340And in concert jacked off with his fist. 2341% 2342There was a poor parson from Goring, 2343Who made a small hole in his flooring, 2344 Fur-lined it all round, 2345 Then laid on the ground, 2346And declared it was cheaper than whoring. 2347% 2348There was a strong man of Drumrig 2349Who one day did seven times frig. 2350 He buggered three sailors, 2351 Four dogs and two tailors, 2352And ended by fucking a pig. 2353% 2354There was a teenager named Donna 2355Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." 2356 Two days out of three 2357 She would shoot LSD, 2358And on weekends she smoked marijuana. 2359% 2360There was a young belle of old Natchez 2361Whose garments were always in patchez. 2362 When comment arose 2363 On the state of her clothes 2364She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." 2365% 2366There was a young blade from South Greece 2367Whose bush did so greatly increase 2368 That before he could shack 2369 He must hunt needle in stack. 2370'Twas as bad as being obese. 2371% 2372There was a young bride, a Canuck, 2373Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. 2374 You say that I, maybe, 2375 Can have my first baby-- 2376Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" 2377% 2378There was a young bride of Antigua 2379Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" 2380 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! 2381 Why, you've only felt my twot, 2382My legs and my arse and my figua!" 2383% 2384There was a young chap in Arabia 2385Who courted a widow named Fabia. 2386 "Yes, my tongue is as long 2387 As the average man's dong," 2388He said, licking the lips of her labia. 2389% 2390There was a young cook with the art 2391Of making a delicious tart 2392 With a handful of shit, 2393 Some snot and some spit, 2394And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. 2395% 2396There was a young curate whose brain 2397Was deranged from the use of cocaine; 2398 He lured a small child 2399 To a copse dark and wild, 2400Where he beat it to death with his cane. 2401 -- Edward Gorey 2402% 2403There was a young damsel named Baker 2404Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. 2405 He yelled, "My God! what 2406 Do you call this -- a twat? 2407Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" 2408% 2409There was a young dolly named Molly 2410Who thought that to frig was a folly. 2411 Said she, "Your pee-pee 2412 Means nothing to me, 2413But I'll do it just to be jolly." 2414% 2415There was a young fellow from Cal., 2416In bed with a passionate gal. 2417 He leapt from the bed, 2418 To the toilet he sped; 2419Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" 2420% 2421There was a young fellow from Florida 2422Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. 2423 When they got into bed 2424 He cried, "God strike me dead! 2425This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" 2426% 2427There was a young fellow from Leeds 2428Who swallowed a package of seeds. 2429 Great tufts of grass 2430 Sprouted out of his ass 2431And his balls were all covered with weeds. 2432% 2433There was a young fellow from Parma 2434Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. 2435 Said the damsel demure, 2436 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, 2437But I must say you fuck like a farmer." 2438% 2439There was a young fellow name Tucker 2440Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, 2441 Said, "Don't bow out your lips 2442 Like an elephant's hips, 2443The boys like it best when they pucker." 2444% 2445There was a young fellow named Ades 2446Whose favorite fruit was young maids. 2447 But sheep, nigger boys, whores, 2448 And the knot holes in doors 2449Were by no means exempt from his raids. 2450% 2451There was a young fellow named Babbitt 2452Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, 2453 But a girl from Johore 2454 Could do it twice more, 2455Which was just enough extra to crab it. 2456% 2457There was a young fellow named Bill, 2458Who took an atomic pill, 2459 His navel corroded, 2460 His asshole exploded, 2461And they found his nuts in Brazil. 2462% 2463There was a young fellow named Blaine, 2464And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2465 She was ugly and smelly 2466 With an awful pot-belly, 2467But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2468% 2469There was a young fellow named Bliss 2470Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 2471 For even with Venus 2472 His recalcitrant penis 2473Would never do better than t 2474 h 2475 i 2476 s 2477 . 2478% 2479There was a young fellow named Bowen 2480Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. 2481 It grew so tremendous, 2482 So long and so pendulous, 2483'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. 2484% 2485There was a young fellow named Brewer 2486Whose girl made her home in a sewer. 2487 Thus he, the poor soul, 2488 Could get into her hole, 2489And still not be able to screw her! 2490% 2491There was a young fellow named Case 2492Who entered a cunt-lapping race. 2493 He licked his way clean 2494 Through Number thirteen, 2495But then slipped and got pissed in the face. 2496% 2497There was a young fellow named Charteris 2498Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. 2499 Said she, "I don't mind, 2500 And higher up you'll find 2501The place where my fucker and farter is." 2502% 2503There was a young fellow named Cribbs 2504Whose cock was so big it had ribs. 2505 They were inches apart, 2506 And to suck it took art, 2507While to fuck it took forty-two trips. 2508% 2509There was a young fellow named dick 2510Who had a magnificent prick. 2511 It was shaped like a prism 2512 And shot so much gism 2513It made every cocksucker sick. 2514% 2515There was a young fellow named Feeney 2516Whose girl was a terrible meany. 2517 The hatch of her snatch 2518 Had a catch that would latch 2519- She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2520% 2521There was a young fellow named Fletcher, 2522Was reputed an infamous lecher. 2523 When he'd take on a whore 2524 She'd need a rebore, 2525And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. 2526% 2527There was a young fellow named Fyfe 2528Whose marriage was ruined for life, 2529 For he had an aversion 2530 To every perversion, 2531And only liked fucking his wife. 2532 2533Well, one year the poor woman struck, 2534And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, 2535 And said, "Where have you gotten us 2536 With your goddamn monotonous 2537Fuck after fuck after fuck? 2538 2539"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- 2540And a versatile girl she was, too. 2541 After ten years of whoredom 2542 She perished of boredom 2543When she married a jackass like you!" 2544% 2545There was a young fellow named Gene 2546Who first picked his asshole quite clean. 2547 He next picked his toes, 2548 And lastly his nose, 2549And he never did wash in between. 2550% 2551There was a young fellow named Gluck 2552Who found himself shit out of luck. 2553 Though he petted and wooed, 2554 When he tried to get screwed 2555He found virgins just don't give a fuck. 2556% 2557There was a young fellow named Goody 2558Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? 2559 If he found himself nude 2560 With a gal in the mood 2561The question's not woody but could he? 2562% 2563There was a young fellow named Grant 2564Who was made like the sensitive plant. 2565 When they asked "Do you fuck?" 2566 He replied, "No such luck. 2567I would if I could, but I can't." 2568% 2569There was a young fellow named Grimes 2570Who fucked his girl seventeen times 2571 In the course of a week -- 2572 And this isn't to speak 2573Of assorted venereal crimes. 2574% 2575There was a young fellow named Harry, 2576Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. 2577 He grabbed him a virgin, 2578 Who, without any urgin', 2579Immediately spread like a fairy. 2580% 2581There was a young fellow named Hatch 2582Who was fond of the music of Bach. 2583 He said: "It's not fussy 2584 Like Brahms and Debussy; 2585Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." 2586% 2587There was a young fellow named Kimble 2588Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, 2589 But fragile and slender, 2590 And dainty and tender, 2591So he kept it encased in a thimble. 2592% 2593There was a young fellow named Meek 2594Who invented a lingual technique. 2595 It drove women frantic, 2596 And made them romantic, 2597And wore all the hair off his cheek. 2598% 2599There was a young fellow named Morgan 2600Who possessed an unusual organ: 2601 The end of his dong, 2602 Which was nine inches long, 2603Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. 2604% 2605There was a young fellow named Paul 2606Who confessed, "I have only one ball. 2607 But the size of my prick 2608 Is God's dirtiest trick, 2609For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" 2610% 2611There was a young fellow named Pell 2612Who didn't like cunt very well. 2613 He would finger or fuck one, 2614 But never would suck one-- 2615He just couldn't get used to the smell. 2616% 2617There was a young fellow named Price 2618Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. 2619 He had virgins and boys 2620 And mechanical toys, 2621And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! 2622% 2623There was a young fellow named Prynne 2624Whose prick was so short and so thin, 2625 His wife found she needed 2626 A Fuckoscope -- she did -- 2627To see if he'd gotten it in. 2628% 2629There was a young fellow named Skinner 2630Who took a young lady to dinner 2631 At a quarter to nine, 2632 They sat down to dine, 2633At twenty to ten it was in her. 2634The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. 2635 2636There was a young fellow named Tupper 2637Who took a young lady to supper. 2638 At a quarter to nine, 2639 They sat down to dine, 2640And at twenty to ten it was up her. 2641Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! 2642% 2643There was a young fellow named Sweeney, 2644Whose girl was a terrible meanie, 2645 The hatch of her snatch, 2646 Had a catch that would latch, 2647She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2648% 2649There was a young fellow of Burma 2650Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. 2651 But now that he's married he's 2652 Been using cantharides 2653And the root of their love is much firmer. 2654% 2655There was a young fellow of Greenwich 2656Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 2657 He had such a tool 2658 It was wound on a spool, 2659And he reeled it out inich by inich. 2660 2661But this tale has an unhappy finich, 2662For due to the sand in the spinach 2663 His ballocks grew rough 2664 And wrecked his wife's muff, 2665And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. 2666% 2667There was a young fellow of Harrow 2668Whose john was the size of a marrow. 2669 He said to his tart, 2670 "How's this for a start? 2671My balls are outside in a barrow." 2672% 2673There was a young fellow of Kent 2674Whose prick was so long that it bent, 2675 So to save himself trouble 2676 He put it in double, 2677And instead of coming he went. 2678% 2679There was a young fellow of Mayence 2680Who fucked his own arse in defiance 2681 Not only of custom 2682 And morals, dad-bust him, 2683But of most of the known laws of science. 2684% 2685There was a young fellow of Perth 2686Whose balls were the finest on earth. 2687 They grew to such size 2688 That one won a prize, 2689And goodness knows what they were worth. 2690% 2691There was a young fellow of Strensall 2692Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. 2693 On the night of his wedding 2694 It went through the bedding, 2695And shattered the chamber utensil. 2696% 2697There was a young fellow of Warwick 2698Who had reason for feeling euphoric, 2699 For he could by election 2700 Have triune erection: 2701Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. 2702% 2703There was a young fellow whose dong 2704Was prodigiously massive and long. 2705 On each side of his whang 2706 Two testes did hang 2707That attracted a curious throng. 2708% 2709There was a young gaucho named Bruno 2710Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. 2711 A woman is fine, 2712 And a sheep is divine, 2713But a llama is Numero Uno." 2714% 2715There was a young German named Ringer 2716Who was screwing an opera singer. 2717 Said he with a grin, 2718 "Well, I've sure got it in!" 2719Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" 2720% 2721There was a young girl from Annista 2722Who dated a lecherous mister. 2723 He fondled her titty, 2724 Got one finger shitty, 2725Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. 2726% 2727There was a young girl from Decatur 2728Who was raped by an alligator. 2729 But no one quite knew 2730 How she relished that screw, 2731For after he screwed her, he ate her. 2732% 2733There was a young girl from Dundee, 2734From her fanny there grew a plum tree. 2735 No one ate the nice fruit, 2736 To tell you the truth, 2737Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. 2738% 2739There was a young girl from Hong Kong 2740Who said, "You are utterly wrong 2741 To say my vagina 2742 Is the largest in China 2743Just because of your mean little dong." 2744% 2745There was a young girl from Hong Kong 2746Whose cervical cap was a gong. 2747 She said with a yell, 2748 As a shot rang her bell, 2749"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 2750% 2751There was a young girl from Medina 2752Who could completely control her vagina. 2753 She could twist it around 2754 Like the cunts that are found 2755In Japan, Manchukuo and China. 2756% 2757There was a young girl from New York 2758Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. 2759 A woodpecker or two 2760 Made the grade it is true, 2761But it totally baffled the stork. 2762 2763Till along came a man who presented 2764A tool that was strangely indented. 2765 With a dizzying twirl 2766 He punctured that girl, 2767And thus was the cork-screw invented. 2768% 2769There was a young girl from Peru, 2770Who had nothing whatever to do. 2771 So she sat on the stairs, 2772 And counted cunt hairs, 2773Four thousand, three hundred and two. 2774% 2775There was a young girl from Peru, 2776Who noticed her lovers were few; 2777 So she walked out her door 2778 With a fig leaf, no more, 2779And now she's in bed - with the flu. 2780% 2781There was a young girl from Samoa 2782Who pledged that no man would know her. 2783 One young fellow tried, 2784 But she wriggled aside, 2785And he spilled all his spermatozoa. 2786% 2787There was a young girl from Seattle, 2788Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. 2789 But a bull from the South 2790 Shot a wad in her mouth 2791That made both her ovaries rattle. 2792% 2793There was a young girl from Siam 2794Who said to her boyfriend Priam, 2795 "To seduce me, of course, 2796 You'll have to use force, 2797And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. 2798% 2799There was a young girl from St. Cyr 2800Whose reflex reactions were queer. 2801 Her escort said, "Mable, 2802 Get up off the table; 2803That money's to pay for the beer." 2804% 2805There was a young girl from St. Paul 2806Who went to a newspaper ball. 2807 Her dress caught on fire 2808 And burnt her entire 2809Front page and sport section and all. 2810% 2811There was a young girl from the Bronix 2812Who had a vagina of onyx. 2813 She had so much `tsoris' 2814 With her clitoris, 2815She traded it in for a Packard. 2816% 2817There was a young girl from the coast 2818Who, just when she needed it most, 2819 Lost her Kotex and bled 2820 All over the bed, 2821And the head and the beard of her host. 2822% 2823There was a young girl in Berlin 2824Who eked out a living through sin. 2825 She didn't mind fucking, 2826 But much preferred sucking, 2827And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. 2828% 2829There was a young girl in Berlin 2830Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. 2831 Though he diddled his best, 2832 And fucked her with zest, 2833She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" 2834% 2835There was a young girl in Dakota 2836Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: 2837 "In addition to gas 2838 We are rationing ass, 2839And you've greatly exceeded your quota." 2840% 2841There was a young girl name McKnight 2842Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. 2843 She came to in bed, 2844 With a split maidenhead-- 2845That's the last time she ever was tight. 2846% 2847There was a young girl named Ann Heuser 2848Who swore that no man could surprise her. 2849 But Pabst took a chance, 2850 Found a Schlitz in her pants, 2851And now she is sadder Budweiser. 2852% 2853There was a young girl named Heather 2854Whose twitcher was made out of leather. 2855 She made a queer noise, 2856 Which attracted the boys, 2857By flapping the edges together. 2858% 2859There was a young girl named McCall 2860Whose cunt was exceedingly small, 2861 But the size of her anus 2862 Was something quite heinous -- 2863It could hold seven pricks and one ball. 2864% 2865There was a young girl named O'Clare 2866Whose body was covered with hair. 2867 It was really quite fun 2868 To probe with one's gun, 2869For her quimmy might be anywhere. 2870% 2871There was a young girl named O'Malley 2872Who wanted to dance in the ballet. 2873 She got roars of applause 2874 When she kicked off her drawers, 2875But her hair and her bush didn't tally. 2876% 2877There was a young girl named Sapphire 2878Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 2879 She said, "It's a sin, 2880 But now that it's in, 2881Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 2882% 2883There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 2884Who screwed every man that she kissed with. 2885 She tickled the balls 2886 Of the men in the halls, 2887And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. 2888% 2889There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 2890Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. 2891 The miller's sun, Jack, 2892 Laid her flat on her back, 2893And united the organs they pissed with. 2894% 2895There was a young girl of Angina 2896Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 2897 From the love-making frock 2898 (With the proper sized cock) 2899Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. 2900% 2901There was a young girl of Asturias 2902With a penchant for practices curious. 2903 She loved to bat rocks 2904 With her gentlemen's cocks -- 2905A practice both rude and injurious. 2906% 2907There was a young girl of Batonger 2908who diddled herself with a conger, 2909 When asked how it feels 2910 To be pleasured by eels 2911She said, "Just like a man, only longer. 2912% 2913There was a young girl of Cah'lina, 2914Had a very capricious vagina: 2915 To the shock of the fucker 2916 "Twould suddenly pucker, 2917And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." 2918% 2919There was a young girl of Cape Cod 2920Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. 2921 But it wasn't Jehovah 2922 That turned the girl over, 2923'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, 2924 the bugger, the bastard, the sod! 2925% 2926There was a young girl of Cape Town 2927Who usually fucked with a clown. 2928 He taught her the trick 2929 Of sucking his prick, 2930And when it went up -- she went down. 2931% 2932There was a young girl of Coxsaxie 2933Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. 2934 She was fucked at the show 2935 In the twenty-third row, 2936And once more going home in the taxi. 2937% 2938There was a young girl of Darjeeling 2939Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 2940 There was never a sound 2941 For miles around 2942Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 2943% 2944There was a young girl of Des Moines 2945Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, 2946 Till a guy from Hoboken 2947 Went and dropped in a token, 2948And now she rides free on the ferry. 2949% 2950There was a young girl of Detroit 2951Who at fucking was very adroit: 2952 She could squeeze her vagina 2953 To a pin-point, or finer, 2954Or open it out like a quoit. 2955 2956And she had a friend named Durand 2957Whose cock could contract or expand. 2958 He could diddle a midge 2959 Or the arch of a bridge -- 2960Their performance together was grand! 2961% 2962There was a young girl of East Lynne 2963Whose mother, to save her from sin, 2964 Had filled up her crack, 2965 To the brim with shellac, 2966But the boys picked it out with a pin. 2967% 2968There was a young girl of Gibraltar 2969Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. 2970 It really seems odd 2971 That a virtuous God 2972Should answer her prayers and assault her. 2973% 2974There was a young girl of LLewellyn 2975Whose breasts were as big as a melon. 2976 They were big it is true, 2977 But her cunt was big too, 2978Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view 2979Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. 2980% 2981There was a young girl of Mobile, 2982Who hymen was made of chilled steel, 2983 To give her a thrill, 2984 Took a rotary drill, 2985Or a number nine emery wheel. 2986% 2987There was a young girl of Moline 2988Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. 2989 She would work on a prick 2990 With every known trick, 2991And finish by winking it clean. 2992% 2993There was a young girl of Newcastle 2994Whose charms were declared universal. 2995 While one man in front 2996 Wired into her cunt, 2997Another was engaged at her arsehole. 2998% 2999There was a young girl of Pawtucket 3000Whose box was as big as a bucket. 3001 Her boy-friend said, "Toots, 3002 I'll have to wear boots, 3003For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." 3004% 3005There was a young girl of Penzance 3006Who boarded a bus in a trance. 3007 The passengers fucked her, 3008 Likewise the conductor, 3009While the driver shot off in his pants. 3010% 3011There was a young girl of Pitlochry 3012Who was had by a man in a rockery. 3013 She said, "Oh! You've come 3014 All over my bum; 3015This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." 3016% 3017There was a young girl of Rangoon 3018Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. 3019 "Well, it has been great fun," 3020 She remarked when he'd done, 3021"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." 3022% 3023There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, 3024Whose people all thought her a virgin, 3025 Till they found her in bed 3026 With her twat very red, 3027And the head of a kid just emergin'. 3028% 3029There was a young girl, very sweet, 3030Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. 3031 When she sat on their lap 3032 She unbuttoned their flap, 3033And always had plenty to eat. 3034% 3035There was a young girl who begat 3036Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. 3037 It was fun in the breeding, 3038 But hell in the feeding, 3039When she found there was no tit for Tat. 3040% 3041There was a young harlot from Kew 3042Who filled her vagina with glue. 3043 She said with a grin, 3044 "If they pay to get in, 3045They'll pay to get out of it too." 3046% 3047There was a young harlot named Schwartz 3048Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, 3049 And they tickled so nice 3050 She drew a high price 3051From the studs at the summer resorts. 3052 3053Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, 3054Was seldom hard up for a diddle, 3055 For according to rumor 3056 His tool had a tumor 3057And a fine row of warts down the middle. 3058% 3059There was a young hayseed from Tiffan 3060Whose cock would constantly stiffen. 3061 The knob out in front 3062 Attracted foul cunt 3063Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. 3064% 3065There was a young idler named Blood, 3066Made a fortune performing at stud, 3067 With a fifteen-inch peter, 3068 A double-beat metre, 3069And a load like the Biblical Flood. 3070% 3071There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway 3072Whose screams could be heard for a block away. 3073 Perceiving his error, 3074 The Rabbi in terror 3075Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" 3076% 3077There was a young lad from Siam, 3078Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. 3079 He loved them real small, 3080 'Cause they're funner to ball, 3081So he went out and bought him a lamb! 3082% 3083There was a young lad name of Durcan 3084Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3085 His father said, "Durcan! 3086 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 3087Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3088% 3089There was a young lad name of Ward 3090Who strung himself up with a cord 3091 Said he, of his work 3092 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) 3093"I am leaving because I am bored." 3094 - E.A. Guest 3095% 3096There was a young lad named McFee 3097Who was stung in the balls by a bee 3098 He made oodles of money 3099 By oozing pure honey 3100Every time he attempted to pee. 3101% 3102There was a young lady at sea 3103Who complained that it hurt her to pee. 3104 Said the brawny old mate, 3105 "That accounts for the state 3106Of the cook and the captain and me." 3107% 3108There was a young lady called Ciss 3109Who went to the river to piss. 3110 A young man in a punt 3111 Put his hand on her cunt; 3112No wonder she thought it was bliss. 3113% 3114There was a young lady from Bangor 3115Who slept while the ship lay at anchor 3116 She woke in dismay 3117 When she heard the mate say: 3118"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" 3119% 3120There was a young lady from Bristol 3121Who went to the Palace called Crystal. 3122 Said she, "It's all glass, 3123 And as round as my ass," 3124And she farted as loud as a pistol. 3125% 3126There was a young lady from Brussels 3127Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. 3128 She could easily plex them 3129 And so interflex them 3130As to whistle love songs through her bustles. 3131% 3132There was a young lady from Drew 3133Who ended her verse at line two. 3134% 3135There was a young lady from Dumfries 3136Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! 3137 My navel's all bare, 3138 So stick it in there, 3139Before both my legs and my bum freeze." 3140% 3141There was a young lady from Exeter, 3142So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 3143 One was even so brave 3144 As to take out and wave 3145The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 3146% 3147There was a young lady from Hyde 3148Who ate a green apple and died. 3149 While her lover lamented 3150 The apple fermented 3151And made cider inside her inside. 3152% 3153There was a young lady from Maine 3154Who claimed she had men on her brain. 3155 But you knew from the view, 3156 As her abdomen grew, 3157It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 3158% 3159There was a young lady from Munich 3160Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3161 At the height of their passion 3162 He dealt her a ration 3163From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. 3164% 3165There was a young lady from Norway 3166Who hung by her heels in a doorway. 3167 She told her young man, 3168 "Get off the divan, 3169I think I've discovered one more way" 3170% 3171There was a young lady from Prentice 3172Who had an affair with a dentist. 3173 To make things easier 3174 He used anesthesia, 3175And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. 3176% 3177There was a young lady from Rheims 3178Who amazingly pissed in four streams. 3179 A friend poked around 3180 And a fly-button found 3181Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. 3182% 3183There was a young lady from Rio 3184Who slept with the Fornier trio. 3185 As she dropped her panties 3186 She said, "No andanties 3187I want this allegro con brio." 3188% 3189There was a young lady from Siam 3190Who said to her lover, one Kiam, 3191 "You may kiss me of course, 3192 But you'll have to use force. 3193Though god knows you're stronger than I am." 3194% 3195There was a young lady from Spain 3196Who demurely undressed on a train. 3197 A helpful young porter 3198 Helped more than he orter, 3199And she promptly cried "Help me again" 3200% 3201There was a young lady from Spain 3202Who got sick as she rode on a train; 3203 Not once, but again, 3204 And again, and again, 3205And again, and again, and again. 3206% 3207There was a young lady from Spain 3208Whose face was exceedingly plain, 3209 But her cunt had a pucker 3210 That made the men fuck her, 3211Again, and again, and again. 3212% 3213There was a young lady from Troy 3214Had a moustache, just like a young boy 3215 Though it tickled to kiss 3216 'Twas a source of much bliss 3217When she used it to brush a man's toy. 3218% 3219There was a young lady from Wheeling 3220Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. 3221 But a cynic named Boris 3222 Just touched her clitoris 3223And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3224% 3225There was a young lady from Wheeling 3226Who had a peculiar feeling. 3227 She laid on her back 3228 And tickled her crack 3229And pissed all over the ceiling. 3230% 3231There was a young lady from Wooster 3232Who complained that too many men gooster. 3233 So she traded her scanties 3234 For sandpaper panties, 3235Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. 3236% 3237There was a young lady in Reno, 3238Who lost all her dough playing Keno. 3239 But she lay on her back, 3240 And opened her crack, 3241So now she owns the Casino! 3242% 3243There was a young lady named Alice 3244Who was known to have peed in a chalice. 3245 'Twas the common belief 3246 It was done for relief, 3247And not out of protestant malice. 3248% 3249There was a young lady named Astor 3250Who never let any get past her. 3251 She finally got plenty 3252 By stopping twenty, 3253Which certainly ought to last her. 3254% 3255There was a young lady named Banker, 3256Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, 3257 She woke in dismay, 3258 When she heard the mate say, 3259"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." 3260% 3261There was a young lady named Blount 3262Who had a rectangular cunt. 3263 She learned for diversion 3264 Posterior perversion, 3265Since no one could fit here in front. 3266% 3267There was a young lady named Bower 3268Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. 3269 But a poet from Perth 3270 Laid her flat on the earth, 3271And proceeded with penis to plough her. 3272% 3273There was a young lady named Brent 3274With a cunt of enormous extent, 3275 And so deep and so wide, 3276 The acoustics inside 3277Were so good you could hear when you spent. 3278% 3279There was a young lady named Bright 3280Who could travel much faster than light. 3281 She took off one day, 3282 In a relative way, 3283And returned on the previous night. 3284% 3285There was a young lady named Brook 3286Who never could learn how to cook. 3287 But on a divan 3288 She could please any man- 3289She knew every darn trick in the book! 3290% 3291There was a young lady named Cager 3292Who, as the result of a wager, 3293 Consented to fart 3294 The entire oboe part 3295Of Mozart's quartet in F major. 3296% 3297There was a young lady named Ciss 3298Who said, "I think skating's a bliss" 3299 But she'll never restate, 3300 For a wheel off her skate 3301.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM 3302% 3303There was a young lady named Clair 3304Who possessed a magnificent pair; 3305 At least so I thought 3306 Till I saw one get caught 3307On a thorn, and begin losing air. 3308% 3309There was a young lady named Dot 3310Whose cunt was so terribly hot 3311 That ten bishops of Rome 3312 And the Pope's private gnome 3313Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. 3314% 3315There was a young lady named Duff 3316With a lovely, luxuriant muff. 3317 In his haste to get in her 3318 One eager beginner 3319Lost both of his balls in the rough. 3320% 3321There was a young lady named Etta 3322Who was constantly seen in a swetta. 3323 Three reasons she had: 3324 To keep warm wasn't bad, 3325But the other two reasons were betta. 3326% 3327There was a young lady named Fleager 3328Who was terribly, terribly eager 3329 To be all the rage 3330 On the tragedy stage, 3331Though her talents were pitifully meagre. 3332 -- Edward Gorey 3333% 3334There was a young lady named Flo 3335Whose lover had pulled out too slow. 3336 So they tried it all night, 3337 Till he got it just right... 3338Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. 3339% 3340There was a young lady named Flynn 3341Who thought fornication a sin, 3342 But when she was tight 3343 It seemed quite all right, 3344So everyone filled her with gin. 3345% 3346There was a young lady named Gilda 3347Who went on a date with a builder. 3348 He said that he would, 3349 And he could and he should, 3350And he did and it damn well near killed her. 3351% 3352There was a young lady named Gloria, 3353Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" 3354 She replied to the chap, 3355 "I'll draw you a map, 3356Of where others have been to before ya." 3357% 3358There was a young lady named Grace 3359Who would not take a prick in her "place." 3360 Though she'd kiss it and suck it, 3361 She never would fuck it-- 3362She just couldn't relax face-to-face. 3363% 3364There was a young lady named Hall, 3365Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 3366 The dress caught on fire 3367 And burned her entire 3368Front page, sporting section, and all. 3369% 3370There was a young lady named Hatch 3371Who would always come through in a scratch. 3372 If a guy wouldn't neck her, 3373 She'd grab up his pecker 3374And shove the damn thing up her snatch. 3375% 3376There was a young lady named Mable 3377Who liked to sprawl out on the table, 3378 Then cry to her man, 3379 "Stuff in all you can -- 3380Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." 3381% 3382There was a young lady named Mandel 3383Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal 3384 By coming out bare 3385 On the main village square 3386And frigging herself with a candle. 3387% 3388There was a young lady named Maud, 3389A terrible society fraud: 3390 In company, I'm told, 3391 She was distant and cold, 3392But if you got her alone, Oh God! 3393% 3394There was a young lady named May 3395Who strolled in a park by the way, 3396 And she met a youg man 3397 Who fucked her and ran -- 3398Now she goes to the park every day. 3399% 3400There was a young lady named Nance 3401Who learned about fucking in France, 3402 And when you'd insert it 3403 She'd squeeze till she hurt it, 3404And shoved it right back in your pants. 3405% 3406There was a young lady named Nelly 3407Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. 3408 They could tickle her twat 3409 Or be tied in a knot, 3410And could even swat flies on her belly. 3411% 3412There was a young lady named Ransom 3413Who was rogered three times in a hansom. 3414 When she cried out for more 3415 A voice from the floor 3416Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." 3417% 3418There was a young lady named Riddle 3419Who had an untouchable middle. 3420 She had many friends 3421 Because of her ends, 3422Since it isn't the middle you diddle. 3423% 3424There was a young lady named Rose 3425Who fainted whenever she chose; 3426 She did so one day 3427 While playing croquet, 3428But was quickly revived with a hose. 3429 -- Edward Gorey 3430% 3431There was a young lady named Rose 3432With erogenous zones in her toes. 3433 She remained onanistic 3434 Till a foot-fetishistic 3435Young man became one of her beaux. 3436% 3437There was a young lady named Schneider 3438Who often kept trysts with a spider. 3439 She found a strange bliss, 3440 In the hiss of her piss, 3441As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. 3442% 3443There was a young lady named Smith 3444Whose virtue was largely a myth. 3445 She said, "Try as I can 3446 I can't find a man 3447Who it's fun to be virtuous with." 3448% 3449There was a young lady named Twiss 3450Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 3451 For it tickled her bum 3452 And caused her to come 3453.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 3454% 3455There was a young lady named Wylde 3456Who kept herself quite undefiled 3457 By thinking of Jesus; 3458 Contagious diseases; 3459And the bother of having a child. 3460% 3461There was a young lady of Arden, 3462The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. 3463 Said she with a frown, 3464 "I've been sadly let down 3465By the tool of a fool in a garden." 3466% 3467There was a young lady of Bicester 3468Who was nicer by far than her sister: 3469 The sister would giggle 3470 And wiggle and jiggle, 3471But this one would come if you kissed her. 3472% 3473There was a young lady of Brabant 3474Who slept with an impotent savant. 3475 She admitted, "We shouldn't, 3476 But it turned out he couldn't- 3477So you can't say we have when we haven't." 3478% 3479There was a young lady of Bude 3480Who walked down the street in the nude. 3481 A bobby said, "Whattum 3482 Magnificent bottom!" 3483And slapped it as hard as he could. 3484% 3485There was a young lady of Carmia 3486Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. 3487 At every cold snap 3488 She would climb in your lab, 3489So her little base burner could warm ya. 3490% 3491There was a young lady of Dee 3492Who went down to the river to pee. 3493 A man in a punt 3494 Put his hand on her cunt, 3495And God! how I wish it were me. 3496% 3497There was a young lady of Dee 3498Whose hymen was split into three. 3499 And when she was diddled 3500 The middle string fiddled: 3501"Nearer My God To Thee." 3502% 3503There was a young lady of Dexter 3504Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, 3505 For whenever they'd start 3506 He'd unfailingly fart 3507With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. 3508% 3509There was a young lady of Dover 3510Whose passion was such that it drove her 3511 To cry, when you came, 3512 "Oh dear! What a shame! 3513Well, now we shall have to start over." 3514% 3515There was a young lady of Ealing 3516And her lover before her was kneeling. 3517 Said she, "Dearest Jim, 3518 Take your hands off my quim; 3519I much prefer fucking to feeling." 3520% 3521There was a young lady of fashion 3522Who had oodles and oodles of passion. 3523 To her lover she said, 3524 As they climbed into bed, 3525"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" 3526% 3527There was a young lady of Fez 3528Who was known to the public as "Jez." 3529 Jezebel was her name, 3530 Sucking cocks was the game 3531She excelled at (so everyone says). 3532% 3533There was a young lady of Gaza 3534Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3535 The crabs, in a lump, 3536 Made tracks to her rump-- 3537This passing parade did amaze her. 3538% 3539There was a young lady of Gloucester, 3540Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. 3541 She wasn't much hurt, 3542 But he dirtied her skirt, 3543So think of the anguish it cost her. 3544% 3545There was a young lady of Gloucester 3546Whose friends they thought they had lost her 3547 Till they found on the grass 3548 The marks of her arse, 3549And the knees of the man who had crossed her. 3550% 3551There was a young lady of Kent, 3552Who admitted she knew what it meant 3553 When men asked her to dine, 3554 And plied her with wine, 3555She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! 3556% 3557There was a young lady of Lee 3558Who scrambled up into a tree, 3559 When she got there 3560 Her arsehole was bare, 3561And so was her C U N T. 3562% 3563There was a young lady of Lincoln 3564Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, 3565 So she had a prick lent her 3566 Which turned it magenta, 3567This artful old lady of Lincoln. 3568% 3569There was a young lady of Natchez 3570Who chanced to be born with two snatches, 3571 And she often said, "Shit! 3572 Why, I'd give either tit 3573For a man with equipment that matches." 3574 3575There was a young fellow named Locke 3576Who was born with a two-headed cock. 3577 When he'd fondle the thing 3578 It would rise up and sing 3579An antiphonal chorus by Bach. 3580 3581But whether these two ever met 3582Has not been recorded as yet, 3583 Still, it would be diverting 3584 To see him inserting 3585His whang while it sang a duet. 3586% 3587There was a young lady of Norway 3588Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 3589 She said to her beau 3590 "Just look at me Joe 3591I think I've discovered one more way." 3592% 3593There was a young lady of Rhyll 3594In an omnibus was taken ill, 3595 So she called the conductor, 3596 Who got in and fucked her, 3597Which did more good than a pill. 3598% 3599There was a young lady of Spain 3600Who took down her pants on a train. 3601 There was a young porter 3602 Saw more than he orter, 3603And asked her to do it again. 3604% 3605There was a young lady of Spain 3606Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. 3607 They did it again 3608 And again and again, 3609And again and again and again. 3610% 3611There was a young lady of Twickenham 3612Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. 3613 On her knees every day 3614 To God she would pray 3615To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. 3616% 3617There was a young lady of Wheeling 3618Said to her beau, "I've a feeling 3619 My little brown jug 3620 Has need of a plug" -- 3621And straightaway she started to peeling. 3622% 3623There was a young lady who said, 3624As her bridegroom got into the bed, 3625 "I'm tired of this stunt, 3626 That they do with one's cunt, 3627You can get up my bottom instead." 3628% 3629There was a young lady whose cunt 3630Could accomodate a small punt. 3631 Her mother said, "Annie, 3632 It matches your fanny, 3633Which never was that of a runt." 3634% 3635There was a young lady whose thighs, 3636When spread showed a slit of such size, 3637 And so deep and so wide, 3638 You could play cards inside, 3639Much to her bridegroom's surprise. 3640% 3641There was a young lass from Surat. 3642The cheeks of her ass were so fat 3643 That they had to be parted 3644 Whenever she farted, 3645And also whenever she shat. 3646% 3647There was a young laundress named Wrangle 3648Whose tits tilted up at an angle. 3649 "They may tickle my chin," 3650 She said with a grin, 3651"But at least they keep out of the mangle." 3652% 3653There was a young maiden from Osset 3654Whose quim was nine inches across it. 3655 Said a young man named Tong, 3656 With tool nine inches long, 3657"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." 3658% 3659There was a young man from Bear Ridge 3660Who had strange ideas about marriage. 3661 He fucked his wife's mother 3662 And sucked off her brother 3663And ate up her sister's miscarriage. 3664% 3665There was a young man from Bel-Aire 3666Who was screwing his girl on the stair. 3667 But the banister broke 3668 So he doubled his stroke 3669And finished her off in mid-air. 3670% 3671There was a young man from Biloxi 3672Whose bowels responded to Moxie. 3673 Drinking glass after glass, 3674 He would tune up his ass, 3675Till he played like the band at the Roxy. 3676% 3677There was a young man from Bombay 3678Who fashioned a cunt out of clay 3679 But the heat of his prick 3680 Turned it into a brick 3681And rubbed all his foreskin away. 3682% 3683There was a young man from Calcutta 3684Who was heard in his beard to mutter, 3685 "If her Bartholin glands 3686 Don't respond to my hands, 3687I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." 3688% 3689There was a young man from Dallas 3690Who had an exceptional phallus. 3691 He couldn't find room 3692 In any girl's womb 3693Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. 3694% 3695There was a young man from Dundee 3696Who buggered an ape in a tree. 3697 The results were quite horrid: 3698 All ass and no forehead, 3699Three balls and a purple goatee. 3700% 3701There was a young man from East Lizes 3702Whose balls were of two different sizes 3703 One was so small 3704 It was no ball at all 3705The other was large and won prizes. 3706% 3707There was a young man from East Wubley 3708Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. 3709 Each quadruplicate shaft 3710 Had two balls hanging aft, 3711And the general effect was quite lovely. 3712 3713There was a young man from Hong Kong 3714Who had a trifurcated prong: 3715 A small one for sucking, 3716 A large one for fucking, 3717And a `boney' for beating a gong. 3718% 3719There was a young man from Glengozzle 3720Who found a remarkable fossil. 3721 He knew by the bend 3722 And the wart on the end, 3723'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. 3724% 3725There was a young man from Jodhpur 3726Who found he could easily cure 3727 His dread diabetes 3728 By eating a foetus 3729Served up in a sauce of manure. 3730% 3731There was a young man from Kent 3732Whose tool was so long that it bent. 3733 To save himself trouble 3734 He put it in double 3735And instead of coming, he went. 3736% 3737There was a young man from Lynn 3738Whose cock was the size of a pin. 3739 Said his girl with a laugh 3740 As she felt his staff, 3741"This won't be much of a sin." 3742% 3743There was a young man from Maine 3744Whose prick was as strong as a crane; 3745 It was almost as long, 3746 So he strolled with his dong 3747Extended in sunshine and rain. 3748% 3749There was a young man from Nantucket 3750Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 3751 But he looked in the glass, 3752 And saw his own ass, 3753And broke his neck trying to fuck it. 3754% 3755There was a young man from Nantucket 3756Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 3757 He said with a grin, 3758 While wiping his chin, 3759"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 3760% 3761There was a young man from New Haven 3762Who had an affair with a raven. 3763 He said with a grin 3764 As he wiped off his chin, 3765"Nevermore!" 3766% 3767There was a young man from Peru, 3768Who took a long trip by canoe. 3769 While staring at Venus, 3770 And rubbing his penis, 3771He wound up with a handful of goo. 3772% 3773There was a young man from Purdue 3774Who was only just learning to screw, 3775 But he hadn't the knack, 3776 And he got too far back -- 3777In the right church, but in the wrong pew. 3778% 3779There was a young man from Racine 3780Who invented a fucking machine. 3781 Concave or convex, 3782 It served either sex, 3783But oh what a bitch to keep clean. 3784% 3785There was a young man from Rangoon 3786Who used to lament 'neath the moon 3787 That he had the luck 3788 To be born of a fuck 3789That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. 3790% 3791There was a young man from Salinas 3792Who had an extremely long penis: 3793 Believe it or not, 3794 When he lay on his cot 3795It reached from Marin to Martinez. 3796% 3797There was a young man from Seattle 3798Whose testicles tended to rattle. 3799 He said as he fuck-ed 3800 Some stones in a bucket, 3801"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." 3802% 3803There was a young man from Siam 3804Who said, "I go in with a wham, 3805 But I soon lose my starch 3806 Like the mad month of March, 3807And the lion comes out like a lamb." 3808% 3809There was a young man from St. Paul's 3810Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" 3811 Till he grew such a passion 3812 For feminine fashion 3813That he knitted a snood for his balls. 3814% 3815There was a young man from Stamboul 3816Who boasted so torrid a tool 3817 That each female crater 3818 Explored by this satyr 3819Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. 3820% 3821There was a young man from Tibet- 3822And this is the strangest one yet- 3823 Whose tool was so long, 3824 So pointed and strong, 3825He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". 3826% 3827There was a young man in Havana, 3828Banged his girl on a player-piana. 3829 At the height of their fever 3830 Her ass hit the lever 3831And: yes, he has no banana. 3832% 3833There was a young man in Norway, 3834Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, 3835 But the air was so frigid 3836 It froze his cock rigid, 3837And all he could come was frappe. 3838% 3839There was a young man in the choir 3840Whose penis rose higher and higher, 3841 Till it reached such a height 3842 It was quite out of sight -- 3843But of course you know I'm a liar. 3844% 3845There was a young man, name of Fred, 3846Who spent every Thursday in bed; 3847 He lay with his feet 3848 Outside of the sheet, 3849And the pillows on top of his head. 3850 -- Edward Gorey 3851% 3852There was a young man, name of Saul, 3853Who was able to bounce either ball, 3854 He could stretch them and snap them, 3855 And juggle and clap them, 3856Which earned him the plaudits of all. 3857% 3858There was a young man named Crockett 3859Whose balls got caught in a socket. 3860 His wife was a bitch 3861 So she threw the switch, 3862And Crockett went off like a rocket. 3863% 3864There was a young man named Hughes 3865Who swore off all kinds of booze. 3866 He said, "When I'm muddled 3867 My senses get fuddled, 3868And I pass up too many screws." 3869% 3870There was a young man named Knute 3871Who had warts all over his root. 3872 He put acid on these 3873 And now when he pees, 3874He fingers the thing like a flute. 3875% 3876There was a young man named Rex 3877Who really was small for his sex. 3878 When tried for exposure 3879 The judge's disclosure 3880Was "de minimus non curat lex." 3881% 3882There was a young man named Zerubbabel 3883Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. 3884 When they asked if his pleasure 3885 Was only half measure, 3886He replied, "That is highly improbable." 3887% 3888There was a young man named Zerubbabub 3889Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club 3890 But the pride of his life 3891 Were the tits of his wife -- 3892One real, and one India-rubber bub. 3893% 3894There was a young man of Arras 3895Who stretched himself out on the grass, 3896 And with no little trouble, 3897 He bent himself double, 3898And stuck his prick well up his ass. 3899% 3900There was a young man of Australia 3901Who went on a wild bacchanalia. 3902 He buggered a frog, 3903 Two mice and a dog, 3904And a bishop in fullest regalia. 3905% 3906There was a young man of Belgrade 3907Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. 3908 I will suck, without charge, 3909 Any cock, if it's large. 3910If it's small, I expect to be paid." 3911% 3912There was a young man of Belgrade 3913Who slept with a girl in the trade. 3914 She said to him, "Jack, 3915 Try the hole in the back; 3916The front one is badly decayed." 3917% 3918There was a young man of Bengal 3919Who swore he had only one ball, 3920 But two little bitches 3921 Unbuttoned his britches, 3922And found he had no balls at all. 3923% 3924There was a young man of Bombay 3925Who buggered his dad once a day. 3926 He said, "I like, rather, 3927 Fucking my father -- 3928He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." 3929% 3930There was a young man of Calcutta, 3931Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. 3932 When he got to c-u, 3933 A pious Hindoo 3934Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. 3935% 3936There was a young man of Cape Horn 3937Who wished he had never been born, 3938 And he wouldn't have been 3939 If his father had seen 3940That the end of the rubber was torn. 3941% 3942There was a young man of Coblenz 3943Whose ballocks were simply immense: 3944 It took forty-four draymen, 3945 A priest and three laymen 3946To carry them thither and thence. 3947% 3948There was a young man of Darjeeling 3949Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. 3950 In the electric light socket, 3951 He'd put it and rock it-- 3952Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! 3953% 3954There was a young man of Devizes, 3955Whose balls were of different sizes. 3956 One was so small, 3957 It was nothing at all; 3958The other took numerous prizes. 3959% 3960There was a young man of Dumfries 3961Who said to his girl, "If you please, 3962 It would give me great bliss 3963 If, while playing with this, 3964You would pay some attention to these!" 3965% 3966There was a young man of high station 3967Who was found by a pious relation 3968 Making love in a ditch 3969 To -- I won't say a bitch -- 3970But a woman of no reputation. 3971% 3972There was a young man of Khartoum, 3973The strength of whose balls was his doom. 3974 So strong was his shootin', 3975 The third law of Newton 3976Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. 3977% 3978There was a young man of Khartoum 3979Who lured a poor girl to her doom. 3980 He not only fucked her, 3981 But buggered and sucked her-- 3982And left her to pay for the room. 3983% 3984There was a young man of Kutki 3985Who could blink himself off with one eye. 3986 For a while though, he pined, 3987 When his organ declined 3988To function, because of a stye. 3989% 3990There was a young man of Lahore 3991Whose prick was one inch and no more. 3992 It was all right for key-holes 3993 And little girl's pee-holes, 3994But not worth a damn with a whore. 3995% 3996There was a young man of Lake Placid 3997Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. 3998 When he wanted to sport 3999 He would have to resort 4000To injections of sulphuric acid. 4001% 4002There was a young man of Madras 4003Whose balls were constructed of brass. 4004 When jangled together 4005 They played "Stormy Weather", 4006And lightning shot out of his ass. 4007% 4008There was a young man of Missouri 4009Who fucked with a terrible fury. 4010 Till hauled into court 4011 For his beastial sport, 4012And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. 4013% 4014There was a young man of Natal 4015And Sue was the name of his gal. 4016 One day, north of Aden, 4017 He got his hard rod in, 4018And came clear up Suez Canal. 4019% 4020There was a young man of Natal 4021Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. 4022 Said she, "You're a sluggard!" 4023 Said he, "You be buggered! 4024I like to fuck slow and I shall." 4025% 4026There was a young man of Ostend 4027Who let a girl play with his end. 4028 She took hold of Rover, 4029 And felt it all over, 4030And it did what she didn't intend. 4031% 4032There was a young man of Ostend 4033Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. 4034 "It's no use, my duck, 4035 Interrupting our fuck, 4036For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." 4037% 4038There was a young man of Saskatchewan, 4039Whose penis was truly gargantuan. 4040 It was good for large whores, 4041 And for small dinosaurs, 4042And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. 4043% 4044There was a young man of Seattle 4045Who bested a bull in a battle. 4046 With fire and gumption 4047 He assumed the bull's function, 4048And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. 4049% 4050There was a young man of St. John's 4051Who wanted to bugger the swans. 4052 But the loyal hall porter 4053 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 4054Those birds are reserved for the dons." 4055% 4056There was a young man of Tibet 4057-- And this is the strangest one yet -- 4058 His prick was so long, 4059 And so pointed and strong, 4060He could bugger six sheep en brochette. 4061% 4062There was a young man of Toulouse 4063Who had a deficient prepuce, 4064 But the foreskin he lacked 4065 He made up in his sac; 4066The result was, his balls were too loose. 4067% 4068There was a young man who appeared 4069To his friends with a full growth of beard; 4070 They at once said, "Although 4071 We can't say why it's so, 4072The effect is uncommonly weird." 4073 -- Edward Gorey 4074% 4075There was a young man who said "God, 4076I find it exceedingly odd, 4077 That the willow oak tree 4078 Continues to be, 4079When there's no one about in the Quad." 4080 4081"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 4082For I'm always about in the Quad; 4083 And that's why the tree, 4084 Continues to be," 4085Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 4086% 4087There was a young man with a fiddle 4088Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" 4089 She replied, "Yes, I do, 4090 But prefer to with two -- 4091It's twice as much fun in the middle." 4092% 4093There was a young man with a prick 4094Which into his wife he would stick 4095 Every morning and night 4096 If it stood up all right -- 4097Not a very remarkable trick. 4098 4099His wife had a nice little cunt: 4100It was hairy, and soft, and in front, 4101 And with this she would fuck him, 4102 Though sometimes she'd suck him -- 4103A charming, if commonplace, stunt. 4104% 4105There was a young man with one foot 4106Who had a very long root. 4107 If he used this peg 4108 As an extra leg 4109Is a question exceedingly moot. 4110% 4111There was a young miss from Johore 4112Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; 4113 In a manner uncanny 4114 She'd wobble her fanny, 4115And drain your nuts dry to the core. 4116% 4117There was a young monk from Siberia 4118Whose life got drearia' and drearia' 4119 Till he did to a nun 4120 What shouldn't be done 4121And made her a mother superia'. 4122% 4123There was a young monk from Tibet 4124And this is the damnedest one yet 4125 His cock was so long 4126 And incredibly strong 4127That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. 4128% 4129There was a young monk in Siberia, 4130Whose morals were very inferior, 4131 He jumped on a nun 4132 Which he shouldn't have done, 4133And now she's a Mother Superior. 4134% 4135There was a young monk of Dundee 4136Who complained that it hurt him to pee, 4137 He said, "Pax vobiscum, 4138 Now why won't the piss come? 4139I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." 4140% 4141There was a young parson of Harwich, 4142Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. 4143 She said, "No, you young goose, 4144 Just try self-abuse. 4145And the other we'll try after marriage." 4146% 4147There was a young peasant named Gorse 4148Who fell madly in love with his horse. 4149 Said his wife, "You rapscallion, 4150 That horse is a stallion -- 4151This constitutes grounds for divorce." 4152% 4153There was a young person of Kent 4154Who was famous wherever he went. 4155 All the way through a fuck, 4156 He would quack like a duck, 4157And he crowed like a cock when he spent. 4158% 4159There was a young physicist named Fisk 4160Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. 4161 So quick was his action, 4162 The Lorentz Contraction 4163Shortened his rod to a disc! 4164% 4165There was a young plumber named Lee 4166Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. 4167 She said, "Stop your plumbing, 4168 There's somebody coming" 4169Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." 4170% 4171There was a young poet named Dan, 4172Whose poetry never would scan. 4173 When told this was so, 4174 He said, "Yes, I know, 4175It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 4176% 4177There was a young royal marine, 4178Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". 4179 When he reached the soprano 4180 Out came only guano 4181And his britches weren't fit to be seen. 4182% 4183There was a young sailor from Brighton, 4184Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." 4185 She replied, "'Pon my soul, 4186 You're in the wrong hole; 4187There's plenty of room in the right one." 4188% 4189There was a young sapphic named Anna 4190Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, 4191 Which she sucked, bit by bit, 4192 From her partner's warm slit, 4193In the most approved lesbian manner. 4194% 4195There was a young Scot in Madrid 4196Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. 4197 When they said, "Are you faint?" 4198 He replied, "No, I ain't, 4199But I don't feel as good as I did." 4200% 4201There was a young soldier from Munich 4202Whose penis hung down past his tunic, 4203 And their chops girls would lick 4204 When they thought of his prick, 4205But alas! he was only a eunuch. 4206% 4207There was a young sportsman named Peel 4208Who went for a trip on his wheel; 4209 He pedalled for days 4210 Through crepuscular haze, 4211And returned feeling somewhat unreal. 4212 -- Edward Gorey 4213% 4214There was a young squaw of Wohunt 4215Who possessed a collapsible cunt. 4216 It had many odd uses, 4217 Produced no papooses, 4218And fitted both giant and runt. 4219% 4220There was a young student from Yale 4221Who was getting his first piece of tail. 4222 He shoved in his pole, 4223 But in the wrong hole, 4224And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" 4225% 4226There was a young trollop at Yale, 4227Who had verses tattooed on her tail, 4228 And on her behind, 4229 For the sake of the blind, 4230A duplicate version in Braille. 4231% 4232There was a young woman called Pearl 4233Who quite resembled a churl; 4234 When she asked a young man named Tex 4235 Whether he would like to have sex, 4236"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" 4237% 4238There was a young woman from Bude, 4239Who went for a swim in the nude, 4240 But a man in a punt, 4241 Grabbed at her elbow, 4242And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." 4243% 4244There was a young woman in Dee 4245Who stayed with each man she did see. 4246 When it came to a test 4247 She wished to be best, 4248And practice makes perfect, you see. 4249% 4250There was a young woman named Alice 4251Who peed in a Catholic chalice. 4252 She said, "I do this 4253 From a great need to piss, 4254And not from sectarian malice." 4255% 4256There was a young woman named Ells 4257Who was subject to curious spells 4258 When got up very oddly, 4259 She'd cry out things ungodly 4260by the palms in expensive hotels. 4261 -- Edward Gorey 4262% 4263There was a young woman named Florence 4264Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, 4265 But they found her in bed 4266 With her cunt flaming red, 4267And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. 4268% 4269There was a young woman named Plunnery 4270Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. 4271 Till one day unobservant, 4272 She blew up a servant, 4273And was forced to retire to a nunnery. 4274 -- Edward Gorey 4275% 4276There was a young woman named Sutton 4277Who said, as she carved up the mutton, 4278 "My father preferred 4279 The last sheep in the herd -- 4280This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." 4281% 4282There was a young woman of Cheadle, 4283Who once gave the clap to a beadle. 4284 Said she, "Does it itch?" 4285 "It does, you damned bitch, 4286And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." 4287% 4288There was a young woman of Condover 4289Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. 4290 Her pussy was juicy, 4291 Her arse soft and goosey, 4292But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. 4293% 4294There was a young woman of Croft 4295Who played with herself in a loft, 4296 Having reasoned that candles 4297 Could never cause scandals, 4298Besides which they did not go soft. 4299 4300Said another young woman of Croft, 4301Amusing herself in the loft, 4302 "A salami or wurst 4303 Is what I'd choose first -- 4304With bologna you know you've been boffed." 4305% 4306There was a young woman, quite handsome, 4307Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. 4308 When she offered much gold 4309 For release, she was told 4310That the view was worth more than the ransom. 4311% 4312There was a young woman whose stammer 4313Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; 4314 But they were not improved 4315 When her husband was moved 4316To knock out her teeth with a hammer. 4317 -- Edward Gorey 4318% 4319There was an old abbess quite shocked 4320To find nuns where the candles were locked. 4321 Said the abbess, "You nuns 4322 Should behave more like guns, 4323And never go off till you're cocked." 4324% 4325There was an old bishop from Buckingham 4326Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. 4327 His wife with distain 4328 Could scarcely restrain 4329That sprightly old bishop from * * *. 4330% 4331There was an old count of Swoboda 4332Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. 4333 So, with great savoir-faire, 4334 She stood on a chair 4335And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. 4336% 4337There was an old curate of Hestion 4338Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. 4339 But so small was his tool 4340 He could scarce screw a spool, 4341And a cunt was quite out of the question. 4342% 4343There was an old fellow named Art 4344Who awoke with a horrible start, 4345 For down by his rump 4346 Was a generous lump 4347Of what should have been just a fart. 4348% 4349There was an old fellow named Skinner 4350Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. 4351 But still, by and large, 4352 It would always discharge 4353Once he could just get it in her. 4354% 4355There was an old feminine blighter 4356Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. 4357 She would cream her own pool 4358 While she sucked off his tool -- 4359How his cock in her cunt would excite her! 4360% 4361There was an old gent from Kentuck 4362Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, 4363 But he put it away 4364 For fear that one day 4365He might put it in and get stuck. 4366% 4367There was an old girl of Kilkenny 4368Whose usual charge was a penny. 4369 For half of that sum 4370 You could finger her bum-- 4371A source of amusement to many. 4372% 4373There was an old harlot from Dijon 4374Who in her old age got religion. 4375 "When I'm dead & gone," 4376 Said she, "I'll take on 4377The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." 4378% 4379There was an old lady of Bingly 4380Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. 4381 I thought I had got 4382 A bloke for my twat, 4383But he seems rather queenly than kingly." 4384% 4385There was an old lady of Glascow, 4386Whose party proved quite a fiasco. 4387 At nine-thirty, about, 4388 The lights all went out, 4389Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. 4390% 4391There was an old lady of Kewry 4392Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': 4393 The `introitus vaginae', 4394 Was unnaturally tiny, 4395And the thought of it filled her with fury. 4396% 4397There was an old lady who lay 4398With her legs wide apart in the hay, 4399 Then, calling the ploughman, 4400 She said, "Do it now, man! 4401Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." 4402% 4403There was an old maid from Cape Cod 4404Who thought all good things came from god. 4405 But it wasn't the almighty 4406 Who lifted her nighty, 4407It was Roger, the lodger, by god. 4408% 4409There was an old man from Bengal 4410Who liked to do tricks in the hall. 4411 His favorite trick 4412 Was to stand on his dick 4413While he rolled around on one ball. 4414% 4415There was an old man from Fort Drum 4416Whose son was incredibly dumb. 4417 When he urged him ahead, 4418 He went down instead, 4419For he thought to succeed meant succumb. 4420% 4421There was an old man of Alsace 4422Who played the trombone with his ass. 4423 He put in a trap 4424 To take out the crap, 4425But the vapors corroded the brass. 4426% 4427There was an old man of Brienz 4428The length of whose cock was immense: 4429 With one swerve he could plug 4430 A boy's bottom in Zug, 4431And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. 4432% 4433There was an old man of Cajon 4434Who never could get a good bone. 4435 With the aid of a gland 4436 It grew simply grand; 4437Now his wife cannot leave it alone. 4438% 4439There was an old man of Calcutta 4440Who spied through a chink in the shutter. 4441 But all he could see 4442 Was his wife's bare knee, 4443And the back of the bloke who was up her. 4444% 4445There was an old man of Connaught 4446Whose prick was remarkably short. 4447 When he got into bed, 4448 The old woman said, 4449"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." 4450% 4451There was an old man of Duddee 4452Who came home as drunk as could be. 4453 He wound up the clock 4454 With the end of his cock, 4455And buggered his wife with the key. 4456% 4457There was an old man of Duluth 4458Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4459 He fucked with his nose 4460 And with fingers and toes, 4461And he came through a hole in his tooth. 4462% 4463There was an old man of Hong Kong 4464Who never did anything wrong. 4465 He would lie on his back 4466 With his head in a sack 4467And secretly finger his dong. 4468% 4469There was an old man of St. Bees, 4470Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4471 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4472 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4473I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4474 -- W.S. Gilbert 4475% 4476There was an old man of Tagore 4477Whose tool was a yard long or more, 4478 So he wore the damn thing 4479 In a surgical sling 4480To keep it from wiping the floor. 4481% 4482There was an Old Man of the Mountain 4483Who frigged himself into a fountain 4484 Fifteen times had he spent, 4485 Still he wasn't content, 4486He simply got tired of the counting. 4487% 4488There was an old man who said, "Tush! 4489My balls always hang in the brush, 4490 And I fumble about, 4491 Half in and half out, 4492With a pecker as limber as mush." 4493% 4494There was an old man with a beard 4495Who said, "It is just what I feared! 4496 Two owls and a hen, 4497 Four larks and a wren 4498Have all built their nests in my beard!" 4499% 4500There was an old person of Ware 4501Who had an affair with a bear. 4502 He explained, "I don't mind, 4503 For it's gentle and kind, 4504But I wish it had slightly less hair." 4505% 4506There was an old pirate named Bates 4507Who was learning to rhumba on skates 4508 He fell on his cutlass 4509 Which rendered him nutless 4510And practically useless on dates. 4511% 4512There was an old satyr named Mack 4513Whose prick had a left handed tack. 4514 If the ladies he loves 4515 Don't spin when he shoves, 4516Their cervixes frequently crack. 4517% 4518There was an old Scot named McTavish 4519Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. 4520 The object of rape 4521 Was the wrong sex of ape, 4522And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. 4523% 4524There was an old whore from Silesia 4525Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, 4526 For a slight extra sum 4527 You can go up my bum 4528But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." 4529% 4530There was an old whore in the Azores 4531Whose body was covered with festers & sores. 4532 Why the dogs in the street 4533 Wouldn't eat the green meat 4534That hung in festoons from her drawers. 4535% 4536There was an old woman of Ghent 4537Who swore that her cunt had no scent. 4538 She got fucked so often 4539 At last she got rotten, 4540And didn't she stink when she spent. 4541% 4542There was once a mechanic named Bench 4543Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. 4544 With this vibrant device 4545 He could reach, in a trice, 4546The innermost parts of a wench. 4547% 4548There were three ladies of Huxham, 4549And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, 4550 And when that game grows stale 4551 We sits on a rail, 4552And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. 4553% 4554There were three young ladies of Birmingham, 4555And this is the scandal concerning 'em. 4556 They lifted the frock 4557 And tickled the cock 4558Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. 4559 4560Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, 4561He'd been to a good public school, 4562 So he took down their britches 4563 And buggered those bitches 4564With his ten-inch episcopal tool. 4565 4566Then up spoke a lady from Kew, 4567And said, as the Bishop withdrew, 4568 "The vicar is quicker 4569 And thicker and slicker, 4570And longer and stronger than you." 4571 -- Abuses of the Clergy 4572% 4573There's a charming young girl in Tobruk 4574Who refers to her quiff as a nook. 4575 It's deep and it's wide, 4576 -- You can curl up inside 4577With a nice easy chair and a book. 4578% 4579There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu 4580Who's often been screwed by yours truly, 4581 But now--it's appallin'-- 4582 My balls always fall in! 4583I fear that I've fucked her unduly. 4584% 4585There's a dowager near Sweden Landing 4586Whose manners are odd and demanding. 4587 It's one of her jests 4588 To suck off her guests -- 4589She hates to keep gentlemen standing. 4590% 4591There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock 4592Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, 4593 But her cunt's got a pucker 4594 That's best not to fuck, or 4595When least you expect it to, it'll lock. 4596% 4597There's a rather odd couple in Herts 4598Who are cousins (or so each asserts); 4599 Their sex is in doubt 4600 For they're never without 4601Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. 4602 -- Edward Gorey 4603% 4604There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, 4605Who's been coxing the varsity crew. 4606 In the shell Sue is great, 4607 But her boyfriend's irate, 4608When she calls out the stroke as they screw. 4609% 4610There's a tavern in London that's staffed, 4611By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: 4612 In her striving to please, 4613 She serves ale on her knees, 4614So the patrons get head with their draft. 4615% 4616There's a very hot babe at the Aggies 4617Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. 4618 The seniors go round 4619 Hanging down to the ground, 4620And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. 4621% 4622There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, 4623Since his shocking perversions are various... 4624 He will bugger some lad 4625 With a dildo (the cad!) 4626While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" 4627% 4628There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, 4629Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. 4630 When one pireg is shot, 4631 There's that alternate twat, 4632But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. 4633% 4634There's an oversexed lady named Whyte 4635Who insists on a dozen a night. 4636 A fellow named Cheddar 4637 Had the brashness to wed her- 4638His chance of survival is slight. 4639% 4640There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, 4641Exceedingly hard to get onto, 4642 But when you get there, 4643 And have parted the hair, 4644You can fuck her as much as you want to. 4645% 4646They had come in the fugue to the stretto 4647When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto 4648 Slipped forward and grabbed 4649 Her tresses and stabbed 4650Her to death with a rusty stiletto. 4651 -- Edward Gorey 4652% 4653Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, 4654Was to do what man normally does, 4655 She declared, "I'm a Soul- 4656 Not a sexual goal!" 4657So he shrugged and called someone who was. 4658% 4659Though most of the crewmen are whites, 4660Uhura has full equal rights. 4661 Her crewmates, you see, 4662 Love De-mo-cra-cy, 4663And the way that she fills out her tights. 4664% 4665Though the invalid Saint of Brac 4666Lay all of his life on his back, 4667 His wife got her share, 4668 And the pilgrims now stare 4669At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. 4670% 4671'Tis a custom in Castellamare 4672To fuck in the back of a lorry. 4673 The chassis and springs 4674 Are like woodwinds and strings 4675In the midst of a musical soiree. 4676% 4677To a weepy young woman in Thrums 4678Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes 4679 Of allowing your tears 4680 To fall into my ears - 4681I think they have rotted the drums." 4682 -- Edward Gorey 4683% 4684To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. 4685Their fertility was somewhat unstable. 4686 He constructed a bed 4687 Out of tree trunks and said, 4688"Even adders can multiply on a log table." 4689% 4690To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! 4691Your cunt is as big as a dish!" 4692 She replied, "Why, you fool, 4693 With your limp little tool 4694It's like driving a nail with a fish!" 4695% 4696To his bride said a numskull named Clarence: 4697"I trust you will show some forbearance. 4698 My sexual habits 4699 I picked up from rabbits, 4700And occasionally watching my parents." 4701% 4702To his bride said economist Fife: 4703"The semen you'll launch as my wife, 4704 We will salvage and freeze 4705 To resemble goat's cheese, 4706And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." 4707% 4708To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, 4709"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 4710 Is your east tit the least bit 4711 The best of your west tit, 4712Or is it a trick of perspective?" 4713% 4714To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, 4715As he poured his post-prandial tipple, 4716 "Your mother's behaviour 4717 Gave pain to Our Saviour, 4718And that's why He made you a cripple." 4719 -- Edward Gorey 4720% 4721Two anglers were fishing off Wight 4722And his bobber was dipping all night. 4723 Murmured she, with a laugh, 4724 "It's ready to gaff, 4725But don't break your rod which is light." 4726 4727A couple was fishing near Clombe 4728When the maid began looking quite glum, 4729 And said, "Bother the fish! 4730 I'd rather coish!" 4731Which they did -- which was why they had come. 4732 4733As two consular clerks in Madras 4734Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, 4735 "What a marvelous pole," 4736 Said she, "but control 4737Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." 4738% 4739Two eager young men from Cawnpore 4740Once buggared and fucked the same whore. 4741 But her partition split 4742 And the blood and the shit 4743Rolled out in a mess on the floor. 4744% 4745Two roosters in one of our pens 4746Found their pricks were no larger than wens. 4747 As they looked at their foreskins 4748 And wished they had more skins, 4749They discovered they'd both become hens. 4750% 4751Under the spreading chestnut tree 4752The village smith he sat, 4753 Amusing himself 4754 By abusing himself 4755And catching the load in his hat. 4756% 4757Une joile epousetta a Tours 4758Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. 4759 Mais le mari disait, "Non! 4760 De trop n'est pas bon! 4761Mon derriere exige du secours!" 4762% 4763Visas erat: huic geminarum 4764Dispar modus testicularum: 4765 Minor haec nihili, 4766 Palma triplici, 4767Jam fecerat altera clarum. 4768% 4769We dedicate this to the cunt, 4770The kind the broad-minded guys hunt: 4771 All hail to the twat, 4772 Willing, thrilling, and hot, 4773That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! 4774% 4775When I was a baby, my penis 4776Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. 4777 But now 'tis as red 4778 As her nipples instead-- 4779All because of the feminine genus! 4780% 4781When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, 4782Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, 4783 "Was he modest or vain?" 4784 "Was he regal or plain?" 4785She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" 4786% 4787When you fuck little Annie in Anza 4788You get a great bossom bonanza: 4789 Sucking Annie's soft tits 4790 Makes her throw fifty fits, 4791And the fuck is a sextravaganza! 4792% 4793While his duchess lay practically dead, 4794The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: 4795 "Can it be this is all? 4796 How puny! How small! 4797Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." 4798 -- Edward Gorey 4799% 4800While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 4801Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 4802 She explained, "They are flat, 4803 But think nothing of that -- 4804You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 4805% 4806While out on a date in his Fiat, 4807The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" 4808 As he bent down to seek, 4809 She let out a shriek: 4810"That's not where it's likely to be at." 4811% 4812While spending the winter at Pau 4813Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." 4814 So the head-porter made her 4815 And the second-cook laid her; 4816The waiters were all hanging low. 4817% 4818While Titian was mixing rose madder, 4819His model reclined on a ladder. 4820 Her position to Titian 4821 Suggested coition, 4822So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. 4823% 4824While travelling in farthest Tibet, 4825Lord Irongate found cause to regret 4826 The buttered-up tea, 4827 A pain in his knee, 4828And the frivolous tourists he met. 4829 -- Edward Gorey 4830% 4831Winter is here with his grouch, 4832The time when you sneeze and you slouch. 4833 You can't take your women 4834 Canoein' or swimmin', 4835But a lot can be done on a couch. 4836% 4837With his penis in turgid erection, 4838And aimed at woman's mid-section, 4839 Man looks most uncouth 4840 In that Moment of Truth, 4841But she sheathes it with loving affection. 4842% 4843You Women's Lib gals won't agree, 4844But dependent on men you must be: 4845 You'll need a him 4846 With a rod firm and trim, 4847To puggle your water-drains free! 4848% 4849Young Frederick the great was a beaut. 4850To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. 4851 If you'll come to my palace, 4852 I'll finger your phallus, 4853And then I shall blow on your flute." 4854% 4855You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, 4856Well, here's the new story concerning 'im: 4857 He buggers the choir 4858 As they sing "Ave Maria," 4859And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. 4860% 4861