limerick revision 145988
1%% $FreeBSD: head/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick 145988 2005-05-07 17:56:50Z schweikh $ 2A bad little girl in Madrid, 3A most reprehensible kid, 4 Told her Tante Louise 5 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 6And the worst of it was that it did! 7% 8A bather whose clothing was strewed 9By breezes that left her quite nude, 10 Saw a man come along 11 And, unless I am wrong, 12You expected this line to be lewd. 13% 14A bather whose clothing was strewed 15By breezes that left her quite nude, 16 Saw a man come along 17 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 18You expected this line to be lewd. 19% 20A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 21I am not I, I'm a tree." 22 But another, more sane, 23 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 24And covered his pants leg with pee. 25% 26A beautiful belle of Del Norte 27Is reckoned disdainful and haughty 28 Because during the day 29 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 30But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 31% 32A beautiful lady named Psyche 33Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 34 One thing about Ike 35 The lady can't like 36Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 37% 38A beetling young woman named Pridgets 39Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 40 Off the end of a wharf 41 She once pushed a dwarf 42Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 43 -- Edward Gorey 44% 45A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 46Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 47 When she swiveled about 48 Even strong men cried out, 49For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 50% 51A bobby of Nottingham Junction 52Whose organ had long ceased to function 53 Deceived his good wife 54 For the rest of her life 55With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 56% 57A broken-down harlot named Tupps 58Was heard to confess in her cups: 59 "The height of my folly 60 Was diddling a collie- 61But I got a nice price for the pups." 62% 63A broken-down harlot named Tupps 64Was heard to confess in her cups: 65 "The height of my folly 66 Was fucking a collie -- 67But I got a nice price for the pups." 68% 69A burlesque dancer, a pip 70Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 71 But she read science fiction 72 And died of constriction 73Attempting a Moebius strip. 74 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 75% 76A busy young lady named Gloria 77Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 78 And then by six men, 79 Sir Gerald again, 80And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 81% 82A cabin boy on an old clipper 83Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 84 He plugged up his ass 85 With fragments of glass 86And thus circumcised his old skipper. 87% 88A cautious young fellow named Lodge 89Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 90 When his date was strapped in, 91 He committed a sin, 92Without even leaving his grodge. 93% 94A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 95Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 96 With his date all strapped in 97 He committed a sin 98Without even leaving the garage. 99 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 100% 101A cautious young fellow named Tunney 102Had a whang that was worth any money. 103 When eased in half-way, 104 The girl's sigh made him say, 105"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 106% 107A certain young man, it was noted, 108Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 109 He said, "You may scoff, 110 But I shan't take it off; 111Underneath I am horribly bloated." 112 -- Edward Gorey 113% 114A certain young person of Ghent, 115Uncertain if lady or gent, 116 Shows his organs at large 117 For a small handling charge 118To assist him in paying the rent. 119% 120A certain young sheik of Algiers 121Said to his harem, "My dears, 122 Though you may think it odd of me, 123 I'm tired of just sodomy 124Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 125% 126A chap down in Oklahoma 127Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 128 But the sweetness of pitch 129 Couldn't put off the hitch 130Of impotence, size and aroma. 131% 132A charmer from old Amarillo, 133Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 134 Decided one day 135 That to keep men away 136She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 137% 138A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 139Had a pussy as large as a muff. 140 It had room for both hands 141 And some intimate glands, 142And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 143% 144A clerical student named Pryne 145Through pain sought to reach the divine: 146 He wore a hair shirt, 147 Quite often ate dirt, 148And bathed every Friday in brine. 149 -- Edward Gorey 150% 151A clever young man named Eugene 152Invented a jack-off machine. 153 On the twenty-third stroke 154 The fuckin' thing broke 155And beat both his balls to a creame. 156% 157A clever young man named Eugene 158Invented a jack-off machine. 159 On the twenty-third stroke 160 The goddam thing broke 161And beat both his balls to a creame. 162% 163A cocksucking steno named Beeman 164Remarked as she swallowed my semen : 165 "On my minuscule salary 166 I must watch every calorie, 167So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 168% 169A computer called Illiac4 170Had a rather tough bug in its core. 171 It chewed up its cards 172 And spewed yards and yards 173Of illegible tape on the floor. 174% 175A computer, to print out a fact, 176Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 177 But this output can be 178 No more than debris, 179If the input was short of exact. 180 -- Gigo 181% 182A contortionist hailing from Lynch 183Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 184 A foot cost a quid -- 185 He could and he did 186Stretch it to three in a pinch. 187% 188A corpulent maiden named Kroll 189Had a notion exceedingly droll: 190 At a masquerade ball, 191 Dressed in nothing at all, 192She backed in as a Parker House roll. 193% 194A couple was fishing near Clombe 195When the maid began looking quite glum, 196 And said, "Bother the fish! 197 I'd rather coish!" 198Which they did -- which was why they had come. 199% 200A cowhand way out in Seattle 201Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 202 He said, "No, I can't fuck 203 A lamb or a duck, 204But golly! it just fits the cattle." 205% 206A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 207And had an affair with a Saracen. 208 She was not oversexed, 209 Or jealous or vexed, 210She just wanted to make a comparison. 211% 212A CS student named Lin 213Had a prick the size of a pin 214 It was no good for girls 215 But just great for squirrels 216Who squealed with delight with it in. 217% 218A cute little twerp from Samoa 219Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 220 It was good for keyholes 221 And debutantes' peeholes 222But not worth a damn on a whoa. 223% 224A daredevil skater named Lowe, 225Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 226 But is proudest of doing, 227 Some incredible screwing, 228Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 229% 230A deep-throated virgin named Netty 231Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 232 She said, "It tastes nice, 233 Much better than rice, 234Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 235% 236A delighted, incredulous bride 237Remarked to her groom at her side : 238 "I never could quite 239 Believe till tonight 240Our anatomies would coincide." 241% 242A dentist, young doctor Malone, 243Got a charming girl patient alone, 244 And, in his depravity, 245 Filled the wrong cavity. 246God, how his practice has grown. 247% 248A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 249With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 250 Let his third-story front, 251 To a willing young cunt, 252Who supplied him a new lease on life! 253% 254A desperate spinster from Clare 255Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 256 And prayed to her God 257 For a romp on the sod-- 258'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 259% 260A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 261Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 262 As quick as a glance 263 He stripped off his pants, 264But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 265% 266A doctoral student from Buckingham 267Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 268 But a dropout from paree 269 Taught him Gamahuchee 270- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 271% 272A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 273Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 274 She blew her vagina 275 To South Carolina, 276And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 277 278A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 279Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 280 They found her vagina, 281 In South Carolina, 282And part of her ass in Brazil. 283% 284A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 285Whose overworked sex is all callous, 286 Wore the foreskin away 287 On uncircumcised Ray, 288Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 289% 290A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 291Wished to foster an aura of menace; 292 To make people afraid 293 He wore gloves of grey suede 294And white footgear intended for tennis. 295 -- Edward Gorey 296% 297A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 298Wished to foster an aura of menace. 299 To make people afraid 300 He wore gloves of grey suede 301And white footgear intended for tennis. 302 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" 303% 304A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, 305Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, 306 Had achieved some reknown 307 For her tone going down-- 308There's a nice civil tongue in her head. 309% 310A fair-haired young damsel named Grace 311Thought it very, very foolish to place 312 Her hand on your cock 313 When it turned hard as rock, 314For fear it would explode in your face. 315% 316A farmer I know named O'Doole 317Had a long and incredible tool. 318 He can use it to plow, 319 Or to diddle a cow, 320Or just as a cue-stick at pool. 321% 322A fellatrix's healthful condition 323Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. 324 Her remarkable diet 325 (I suggest that you try it) 326Was only her clients' emission. 327% 328A fellow whose surname was Hunt 329Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: 330 This versatile spout 331 Could be turned inside out, 332Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. 333% 334A fisherman off of Cape Cod 335Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" 336 But the high-minded fish 337 Resented his wish, 338And nimbly swam off with his rod. 339% 340A foolish geologist from Kissen 341Just didn't know what he was missin', 342 By studying rock 343 And neglecting his cock, 344And using it merely for pissin'. 345% 346A Frenchman who lived in Alsace 347Had sex with a virgin named Grace. 348 When he popped her cherry, 349 She made things hairy 350By bleeding all over his face. 351% 352A frustrated lady named Alice 353Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 354 They found her vagina 355 In North Carolina 356And bits of her tits were in Dallas. 357% 358A gay young prince from Morocco 359Made love in a manner rococco. 360 He painted his penis 361 To resemble a venus 362And flavored his semen with cocoa. 363% 364A geneticist living in Delft 365Scientifically played with himself, 366 And when he was done 367 He labled it: son, 368And filed him away on a shelf. 369% 370A geneticist living in Delft 371Scientifically played with himself, 372 And when he was done 373 He labled it: son, 374And filed him away on a shelf. 375A gentleman, otherwise meek, 376Detested with passion the leek; 377 When offered one out 378 He dealt such a clout 379To the maid, she was down for a week. 380 -- Edward Gorey 381% 382A gentleman, otherwise meek, 383Detested with passion the leek; 384 When offered one out 385 He dealt such a clout 386To the maid, she was down for a week. 387 -- Edward Gorey 388% 389A german composer named Bruckner 390Remarked to a lady while fuckener : 391 "Less lento, my dear, 392 With your cute little rear; 393I like a hot presto when muckener!" 394% 395A gift was delivered to Laura 396From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; 397 Wrapped in tissue and crepe, 398 It was peeled, like a grape, 399And emitted a pale, greenish aura. 400 -- Edward Gorey 401% 402A gifted young fellow from Sparta 403Was widely renowned as a farta'. 404 He could fart anything 405 From "Of Thee I Sing," 406To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." 407% 408A girl camper once had an affair 409With a fellow all covered with hair. 410 When she gave him his hat 411 She realized that 412She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 413% 414A girl of the Enterprise crew 415Refused every offer to screw. 416 But a Vulcan named Spock 417 Crawled under her smock, 418And now she is eating for two. 419% 420A girl of uncertain nativity 421Had an ass of extreme sensitivity 422 While she sat on the lap 423 Of a German or Jap, 424She could sense Fifth Column activity. 425% 426A graduate student named Zac 427Was said to be great in the sack. 428 An inch of his boner 429 Put girls in a coma 430And two gave them epileptic attacks. 431% 432A greedy young lady from Sidney 433Liked it in up to her kidney, 434 Till a man from Quebec 435 Shoved it up to her neck-- 436He really diddled her, didn' he? 437% 438A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds 439Once swallowed a package of seeds. 440 In a month, his ass 441 Was covered with grass 442And his balls were grown over with weeds. 443% 444A guest in a household quite charmless 445Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 446 "If you're caught unawares 447 At the head of the stairs, 448Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 449 -- Edward Gorey 450% 451A habit depraved and unsavory 452Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 453 Midst screeches and howls 454 He deflowered young owls 455Which he kept in an underground aviary 456% 457A habit obscene and bizarre, 458Has taken a-hold of papa. 459 He brings home young camels 460 And other odd mammals, 461And gives them a go at mama. 462% 463A habit obscene and unsavory, 464Holds a CS professor in slavery. 465 With maniacal howls, 466 He deflowers young owls, 467That he keeps in an underground aviary. 468% 469A hacker who screwed a mag tape 470Was caught and convicted of rape. 471 To jail he did go, 472 From which, to his woe 473He couldn't get out with ESC. 474% 475A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 476Made love to the drive of his disk. 477 The thing circumsized him, 478 Which rather suprised him. 479He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 480% 481A handsome young rodent named Gratian 482As a lifeguard became a sensation. 483 All the lady mice waved 484 And screamed to be saved 485By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. 486% 487A happy old hooker named Grace 488Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. 489 It was hard for beginners 490 To tell who were winners : 491There were cunt hairs all over the place. 492% 493A hardware debugger named Court 494Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. 495 But its buffer array 496 Only handled 1K, 497So the port's driver cut it off short. 498% 499A haughty young wench of Del Norte 500Would fuck only men over forty. 501 Said she, "It's too quick 502 With a young fellow's prick; 503I like it to last, and be warty." 504% 505A headstrong young woman in Ealing 506Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; 507 When quizzed why she did, 508 She replied, "To be rid 509Of a strange, overpowering feeling." 510 -- Edward Gorey 511% 512A hearty young fellow named Yost 513Once had an affair with a ghost. 514 At the height of the spasm 515 The poor ectoplasm 516Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." 517% 518A hidebound young virgin named Carrie 519Would say, when the fellows got hairy : 520 "Keep your prick in your pants 521 Till the end of this dance--" 522Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. 523% 524A highly aesthetic young Jew 525Had eyes of a heavenly blue; 526 The end of his dillie 527 Was shaped like a lilly, 528And his balls were too utterly two! 529% 530A highway patrol buff named Claire, 531Once screwed half a troop on a dare, 532 And her parts grew so hot, 533 There was steam on her twat, 534So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! 535% 536A horny young fellow named Reg, 537Was jerking off under a hedge. 538 The gardener drew near 539 With a huge pruning shear, 540And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. 541% 542A huge-organed female in Dallas, 543Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, 544 Was virgo intacto, 545 Because, ipso facto, 546No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. 547% 548A joker who haunts Monticello 549Is really a terrible fellow. 550 In the midst of caresses 551 He fills ladies dresses 552With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. 553% 554A lacklustre lady of Brougham 555Weaveth all night at her loom. 556 Anon she doth blench 557 When her lord and his wench 558Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. 559% 560A lad, at his first copulation, 561Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, 562 Gyration, elation 563 Throughout the duration, 564I guess I'll give up masturbation." 565% 566A lad from far-off Transvaal 567Was lustful, but tactful withal. 568 He'd say, just for luck, 569 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" 570But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. 571% 572A lad of the brainier kind 573Had erogenous zones in his mind. 574 He got his sensations, 575 By solving equations, 576(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) 577% 578A lady born under a curse 579Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; 580 From the back she would wail 581 Through a thickness of veil: 582"Things do not get better, but worse." 583 -- Edward Gorey 584% 585A lady both callous and brash 586Met a man with a vast black moustache; 587 She cried, "Shave it, O do! 588 And I'll put it with glue 589On my hat as a sort of panache." 590 -- Edward Gorey 591% 592A lady from Kalamazoo 593Once found she had nothing to do, 594 So she sat on the stairs 595 And she counted her hairs: 5964,302. 597% 598A lady from Old Little Rock 599In fidelity took little stock, 600 And deserted her man 601 In the streets of Japan 602For a boy with a prehensile cock. 603% 604A lady removing her scanties, 605Heard them crackle electrical chanties. 606 Said her beau, "Have no fear, 607 For the reason is clear: 608You simply have amps in your panties. 609% 610A lady stockholder quite hetera 611Decided her fortune to bettera: 612 On the floor, quite unclad, 613 She successively had 614Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... 615% 616A lady was seized with intent 617To revise her existence misspent. 618 So she climbed up the dome 619 Of St. Peter's in Rome, 620Where she stayed through the following Lent. 621 -- Edward Gorey 622% 623A lady while dining at Crewe 624Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 625 Said the waiter, "Don't shout, 626 And don't wave it about, 627Or the others will all want one too." 628% 629A lady, while dining in Crewe, 630Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 631 Said the waiter, "Don't shout 632 Or wave it about 633Or the others will ask for one, too." 634% 635A lady who signs herself "Vexed" 636Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: 637 "I don't mind my shins 638 Being stuck full of pins, 639But I fear I am coming unsexed." 640 -- Edward Gorey 641% 642A lady with features cherubic 643Was famed for her area pubic. 644 When they asked her its size 645 She replied in surprise, 646"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" 647% 648A lass at the foot of her class 649Asked a brainier chick how to pass. 650 She replied, "With no fuss 651 You can get a B-plus, 652By letting the prof pat your ass." 653% 654A lecherous barkeep named Dale, 655After fucking his favorite female, 656 Mixed Drambuie and scotch 657 With the cream in her crotch 658For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. 659% 660A licentious old justice of Salem 661Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. 662 But instead of a fine 663 He would stand them in line, 664With his common-law tool to impale 'em. 665% 666A limerick packs laughs anatomical 667Into space that is quite economical. 668 But the good ones I've seen 669 So seldom are clean, 670And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 671% 672A linguist thought it a farce 673That memory space was so sparse. 674 One day they increased it. 675 Said he as he seized it: 676"At last! Enough core for the parse". 677% 678A lonely young lad of Eton 679Used always to sleep with the heat on, 680 Till he ran into a lass 681 Who showed him her ass -- 682Now they sleep with only a sheet on. 683% 684A lovely young diver named Nancy, 685Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, 686 The fish of Bonaire, 687 Watched her Derriere, 688And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. 689% 690A lovely young maid from St. Jude 691Once rode through the streets in the nude. 692 The police cried, "Whatam-- 693 Agnificent bottom" 694And slapped it as hard as they could. 695% 696A lovely young maid from St. Jude 697Once rode through the streets in the nude. 698 The police cried, "Whatam-- 699 Agnificent bottom" 700And slapped it as hard as they cude. 701% 702A lusty young maid from Seattle 703Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; 704 Till she found a bull 705 Who filled her so full 706It made both her ovaries rattle. 707% 708A lusty young woodsman of Maine 709For years with no woman had lain, 710 But he found sublimation 711 At a high elevation 712In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! 713% 714A madam who ran a bordello 715Put come in her pineapple jello, 716 For the rich, sexy taste 717 And not wanting to waste 718That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. 719% 720A maestro directing in Rome 721Had a quaint way of driving it home. 722 Whoever he climbed 723 Had to keep her tail timed 724To the beat of his old metronome. 725% 726A maiden who lived in Virginny 727Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. 728 The horsey set rushed her, 729 But success finally crushed her 730For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. 731% 732A maiden who travelled in France 733Once got on a train, just by chance. 734 The engineer fucked her, 735 The conductor sucked her, 736And the fireman came in his pants. 737% 738A maiden who wrote of big cities 739Some songs full of love, fun and pities, 740 Sold her stuff at the shop 741 Of a musical wop 742Who played with her soft little titties. 743% 744A man was once heard to boast, 745That he received a parcel by post, 746 It contained, so we heard, 747 A magnificent turd, 748And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. 749% 750A marine being sent to Hong Kong 751Got a doctor to alter his dong. 752 He sailed off with a tool 753 Flat and thin as a rule - 754When he got there he found he was wrong. 755% 756A mathematician named Hall 757Had a hexhedronical ball, 758 And the square of its weight 759 Times his pecker's, plus eight, 760Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. 761% 762A mathematician named Hall 763Has a hexahedronical ball, 764 And the cube of its weight 765 Times his pecker's, plus eight 766Is his phone number -- give him a call... 767% 768A mathematician named Klein 769Thought the Mobius band was divine. 770 Said he, "If you glue 771 The edges of two, 772You'll get a weird bottle like mine! 773% 774A middle-aged codger named Bruin 775Found his love life completely in ruin, 776 For he flirted with flirts 777 Wearing pants and no skirts, 778And he never got in for no screwin'. 779% 780A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, 781Who was lonely and wanted a futter. 782 She had nowhere to turn, 783 So she diddled a churn, 784And managed to come with the butter. 785% 786A mortician who practised in Fife 787Made love to the corpse of his wife. 788 "How could I know, Judge? 789 She was cold, did not budge-- 790Just the same as she'd acted in life." 791% 792A nasty old drunk in Carmel 793Thinks it funny to piss in the well. 794 He says, "Some don't favor 795 That unusual flavor, 796But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" 797% 798A nervous young fellow named Fred 799Took a charming young widow to bed. 800 When he'd diddled a while 801 She remarked with a smile, 802"You've got it all in but the head." 803% 804A new dramatist of the absurd 805Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 806 I learn from my spies 807 He's about to devise 808An unprintable three-letter word. 809% 810A newlywed couple from Goshen 811Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. 812 In twenty-eight days 813 They got laid eighty ways -- 814Imagine such fucking devotion! 815% 816A newly-wed man of Peru 817Found himself in a terrible stew: 818 His wife was in bed 819 Much deader than dead, 820And so he had no one to screw. 821% 822A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, 823In the pleasures of men was well-versed. 824 Reads the sign o'er the head 825 Of her well-rumpled bed 826"The customer always comes first." 827% 828A novice was told by the Abbot: 829"Consider the goat and the rabbit. 830 While they roll in the hay 831 You just stay home and pray. 832You've got to get out of that habit." 833% 834A nudist resort at Benares 835Took a midget in all unawares. 836 But he made members weep 837 For he just couldn't keep 838His nose out of private affairs. 839% 840A nurse motivated by spite 841Tied her infantine charge to a kite; 842 She launched it with ease 843 On the afternoon breeze, 844And watched till it flew out of sight. 845 -- Edward Gorey 846% 847A pansy who lived in Khartoum 848Took a lesbian up to his room. 849 They argued all night 850 Over who had the right 851To do what, with which, and to whom. 852% 853A passionate red-haired girl 854When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, 855 And her twat would get wet, 856 And would wiggle and fret, 857And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. 858% 859A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux 860Fell in love with a dashing young beau. 861 To arrest his regard 862 She would squat in his yard 863And longingly pee in the sneaux. 864% 865A petulant man once said, "Pish, 866Your cunt is as big as a dish." 867 She replied, "Why, you fool, 868 With your limp little tool, 869It's like driving a pin with a fish." 870% 871A physical fellow named Fisk 872Could screw at a rate very brisk. 873 So fast was his action 874 The Fitzgerald contraction 875Would shrink up his rod to a disk. 876% 877A pious old woman named Tweak 878Had taught her vagina to speak. 879 It was frequently liable 880 To quote from the Bible, 881But when fucking -- not even a squeak! 882% 883A pious young lady named Finnegan 884Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; 885 So time it aright, 886 Make it last through the night, 887For I certainly don't want to sin again!" 888% 889A pious young lady of Chichester 890Made all of the saints in their niches stir 891 And each morning at matin 892 Her breast in pink satin 893Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. 894% 895A playful young chemist named Byrd 896Had an urge that could not be deferred. 897 So to irritate Knox 898 He shit in his sox, 899And plastered the walls with his turd. 900% 901A plumber whose name was John Brink 902Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. 903 Her resistance was stout, 904 And John Brink petered out, 905With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. 906% 907A potter who lived in Bombay 908Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; 909 But the heat of his prick 910 Kilned the damn thing to brick 911And chafed all his foreskin away. 912% 913A pretty wife living in Tours 914Demanded her daily amour. 915 But the husband said, "No! 916 It's to much. Let it go! 917My backsides are dragging the floor." 918% 919A pretty young boy known as Kevin 920Was raped in a pasture by seven 921 Lascivious beasts 922 (Oh, those Anglican priests) 923And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. 924% 925A pretty young lady named Vogel 926Once sat herself down on a molehill. 927 A curious mole 928 Nosed into her hole -- 929Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 930% 931A pretty young lady named Vogel 932Once sat herself down on a molehill. 933 A curious mole 934 Nosed into her hole -- 935Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 936% 937A pretty young maiden from France 938Decided she'd "just take a chance." 939 She let herself go 940 For an hour or so, 941And now all her sisters are aunts. 942% 943A princess who lived near a bog 944Met a prince in the form of a frog. 945 Now she and her prince 946 Are the parents of quints, 947Four boys and one fine polliwog. 948% 949A princess who reigned in Baroda 950Made her home on a purple pagoda. 951 She festooned the walls 952 Of her halls with the balls 953And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. 954% 955A programmer down in Moline 956Said, I'm the match for any machine. 957 My secret's aversion, 958 To loops and recursion, 959Just acres of in-line routine. 960 -- W.J. Wilson 961% 962A progressive professor named Winners 963Held classes each evening for sinners. 964 They were graded and spaced 965 So the vile and debased 966Would not be held back by beginners. 967% 968A rapist who reeked of cheap booze 969Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. 970 She cried, "I suppose 971 There's no time for my clothes, 972But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" 973% 974A rapturous young fellatrix 975One day was at work on five pricks. 976 With an unholy cry 977 She whipped out her glass eye: 978"Tell the boys I can now take on six." 979% 980A reckless young lady of France 981Had no qualms about taking a chance, 982 But she thought it was crude 983 To get screwed in the nude, 984So she always went home with damp pants. 985% 986A remarkable race are the Persians; 987They have such peculiar diversions. 988 They make love the whole day 989 In the usual way 990And save up the nights for perversions. 991% 992A remarkable race are the Persians, 993They have such peculiar diversions. 994 They screw the whole day 995 In the regular way, 996And save up the nights for perversions. 997% 998A responsive young girl from the East 999In bed was an able artiste. 1000 She had learned two positions 1001 From family physicians, 1002And ten more from the old parish priest. 1003% 1004A romantic attraction has clung 1005To a chap of whom damsels have sung: 1006 "'Tis the Scourge from the East, 1007 That lascivious beast 1008Who was known as Attila the Hung!" 1009% 1010A sailor who slept in the sun, 1011Woke to find his fly buttons undone, 1012 He remarked with a smile, 1013 "Good grief, a sun-dial! 1014And now it's a quarter-past one." 1015% 1016A savvy young hooker named Gail 1017Got busted and lodged in the jail. 1018 But the jailer got hot, 1019 To be lodged in her twat, 1020And so Gail made the bail with her tail. 1021% 1022A scandal involving an oyster 1023Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister 1024 She preferred it, in bed, 1025 To the count (so she said) 1026'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. 1027% 1028A scream from the crypt of St. Giles 1029Resounded for miles upon miles. 1030 Said the friar, "Good gracious, 1031 The brother Ignatious 1032Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." 1033% 1034A seafaring hacker named Slatey 1035Went to bed with a VAX/780. 1036 The thing's learned to swear 1037 With a nautical air, 1038And refers to its users as "matey". 1039% 1040A sex-loving coed named Bree 1041Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. 1042 The joystick, she found, 1043 Had been fooling around 1044With a neighboring student's PC. 1045% 1046A silly young man from Hong Kong 1047Had hands that were skinny and long. 1048 He ate rice with his fingers-- 1049 The taste of it lingers, 1050But now all his fingers are gone. 1051% 1052A slick talking pirate named Bruce 1053To steal code, had a plan to seduce 1054 An Apple II+. 1055 Now Bruce wears a truss 1056And was jailed for computer abuse. 1057% 1058A software technician from Digital 1059Had hardware extremely prodigical. 1060 It's rumoured, I hear, 1061 That when he was near 1062He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. 1063% 1064A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, 1065Made love to a lovely girl sentry. 1066 She started to pout, 1067 Because it fell out, 1068But the mission was saved by re-entry. 1069% 1070A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, 1071His moment of sexual truth. 1072 He'd expected to fall 1073 On a womb's spongy wall 1074But was dashed to his death on a tooth. 1075% 1076A spinster in Kalamazoo 1077Once strolled after dark by the zoo. 1078 She was seized by the nape, 1079 And fucked by an ape, 1080And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." 1081 1082And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, 1083But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry 1084 A man with a prick 1085 Half as stiff and as thick 1086As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." 1087% 1088A spunky young schoolboy named Fred 1089Used totoss off each night while in bed. 1090 Said his mother, "Dear lad, 1091 That's exceedingly bad-- 1092Jump in here with your mamma instead." 1093% 1094A starship commander named Kirk 1095Emerged from his cabin berserk. 1096 He grabbed a girl yeoman 1097 Beneath the abdomen, 1098And gave her a physical jerk. 1099% 1100A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, 1101Was having a captive, a person 1102 Who was not averse 1103 Though she had the curse, 1104And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. 1105% 1106A structured programmer named Drew 1107Was intensely turned on by "goto". 1108 When he saw it in code 1109 He'd shoot off his load. 1110It's a good thing his shop used so few. 1111% 1112A studious professor named Nestor 1113Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. 1114 But she drained out his balls 1115 And skipped up the walls, 1116Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. 1117% 1118A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1119Went down on her beau in the garden. 1120 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1121 Don't swallow that mess!" 1122And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1123% 1124A systems programmer named Sprotic 1125Found his software intensely erotic. 1126 In jealous distress 1127 He wiped his OS. 1128It's possible that he's psychotic. 1129% 1130A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, 1131Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. 1132 While the man detumesced 1133 She still spent on with zest, 1134Her rapture sheer anachronism. 1135% 1136A talented girl from Detroit 1137Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. 1138 She could squeeze her vagina 1139 To a pin-point or finer 1140Or open it out like a quoit. 1141% 1142A team playing baseball in Dallas 1143Called te umpire blind out of malice. 1144 While this worthy had fits 1145 The team made eight hits 1146And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1147% 1148A team playing baseball in Dallas 1149Called the umpire blind out of malice. 1150 While this worthy had fits 1151 The team made eight hits 1152And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1153% 1154A teenage protester named Lil 1155Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill 1156 First they bugged our martinis, 1157 Our bras and bikinis, 1158And now they are bugging the pill." 1159% 1160A thrice-married gal from L.A. 1161Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, 1162 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, 1163 The voyeur only gawked at it, 1164And my most recent man's a gourmet." 1165% 1166A tidy young lady of Streator 1167Dearly loved to nibble a peter. 1168 She always would say, 1169 "I prefer it this way. 1170I think it is very much neater." 1171% 1172A timid young woman named Jane 1173Found parties a terrible strain; 1174 With movements uncertain 1175 She'd hide in a curtain 1176And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. 1177 -- Edward Gorey 1178% 1179A tired young trollop of Nome 1180Was worn out from her toes to her dome. 1181 Eight miners came screwing, 1182 But she said, "Nothing doing; 1183One of you has to go home!" 1184% 1185A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 1186Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 1187 The result of this fuck 1188 Was a three titted duck, 1189A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 1190% 1191A tutor who tooted a flute 1192Tried to tutor two tutors to toot 1193 Said the two to the tutor: 1194 "Is it harder to toot or 1195To tutor two tutors to toot" 1196% 1197A vengeful technician named Schmitz 1198Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. 1199 He covered the platter 1200 With bats' fecal matter. 1201Now it's seek time is really the pits. 1202% 1203A very intelligent turtle 1204Found programming UNIX a hurdle 1205 The system, you see, 1206 Ran as slow as did he, 1207And that's not saying much for the turtle. 1208% 1209A very odd pair are the Pitts: 1210His balls are as large as her tits, 1211 Her tits are as large 1212 As an invasion barge-- 1213Neither knows how the other cohabits. 1214% 1215A wanton young lady from Wimley 1216Reproached for not acting quite primly 1217 Said, "Heavens above! 1218 I know sex isn't love, 1219But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 1220% 1221A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1222She used it for many a bunt. 1223 But the unlucky wench 1224 Got it caught in her trench --- 1225It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1226To get the thing out of her cunt. 1227% 1228A weary old lecher named Blott 1229Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. 1230 Too lazy to rape her, 1231 He made darts out of paper, 1232Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. 1233% 1234A whimsical fellow named Bloch 1235Could beat the base drum with his cock. 1236 With a special erection 1237 He could play a selection 1238From Johann Sebastian Bach. 1239% 1240A wicked stone cutter named Cary 1241Drilled holes in divine statuary. 1242 With eyes full of malice 1243 He pulled out his phallus, 1244And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. 1245% 1246A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket 1247Had a hole as big as a basket. 1248 A spot, as a bride, 1249 In it now, you could hide, 1250And include with your luggage your mascot. 1251% 1252A widow whose singular vice 1253Was to keep her late husband on ice 1254 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- 1255 I'll never defrost him! 1256Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." 1257% 1258A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1259His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1260 He can take in his beak 1261 Enough food for a week. 1262And I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1263% 1264A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1265His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1266 He can take in his beak 1267 Enough food for a week. 1268I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1269% 1270A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, 1271Renowned for the length of their peenies. 1272 The hair on their balls 1273 Sweeps the floors of their halls, 1274But they don't look at women, the meanies. 1275% 1276A wood-fetish busboy named Gable 1277Is rapid, is thorough, is able; 1278 But when everything's cleared, 1279 He gives way to the weird, 1280As he lovingly busses each table. 1281% 1282A worn-out young husband named Lehr 1283Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: 1284 "Slip on a sheath, quick, 1285 Then slip your big dick 1286Between these lips covered with hair." 1287% 1288A worried young man from Stamboul 1289Discovered red spots on his tool. 1290 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1291 "Get out of my clinic 1292Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." 1293% 1294A worried young man from Stamboul 1295Founds lots of red spots on his tool. 1296 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1297 "Get out of my clinic; 1298Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" 1299% 1300A young bride and groom of Australia 1301Remarked as they joined genitalia : 1302 "Though the system seems odd, 1303 We are thankful that God 1304Developed the genus Mammalia." 1305% 1306A young fellow discovered through Freud 1307That although of penis devoid, 1308 He could practice coitus 1309 By eating a foetus, 1310And his parents were quite overjoyed. 1311% 1312A young Juliet of St. Louis 1313On a balcony stood acting screwy. 1314 Her Romeo climbed, 1315 But he wasn't well timed, 1316And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! 1317% 1318A young lad named Lester McGraw 1319Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. 1320 As he watched him stick her 1321 He said, with a snicker, 1322"You do it much faster than Paw." 1323% 1324A young lady sat by the sea, 1325Just as proper as proper could be. 1326 A young fellow goosed her, 1327 And roughly seduced her, 1328So she thanked him and went home to tea. 1329% 1330A young lady who lived by the Usk 1331Subsisted each day on a rusk; 1332 She ate the first bite 1333 Before it was light, 1334And the last crumb sometime after dusk. 1335 -- Edward Gorey 1336% 1337A young lass got married at Chester; 1338Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. 1339 Said she, "You're in luck -- 1340 'E's a stunning good fuck, 1341For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." 1342% 1343A young maiden from France was no prude, 1344She decided to dive in the nude, 1345 But her buddy, behind, 1346 Went out of his mind, 1347When he noticed where she was tatooed. 1348% 1349A young man by a girl was desired 1350To give her the thrills she required, 1351 But he died of old age 1352 Ere his cock could assuage 1353The volcanic desire it inspired. 1354% 1355A young man from the banks of the Po 1356Found his cock had elongated so, 1357 That when he'd pee 1358 It was never he 1359But only his neighbors who'd know. 1360% 1361A young man grew increasingly peaky 1362In a house where the hinges were squeaky, 1363 The ferns curled up brown, 1364 The ceilings flaked down, 1365And all of the faucets were leaky. 1366 -- Edward Gorey 1367% 1368A young man maintained that his trigger 1369Was so big that there weren't any bigger. 1370 But this long and thick pud 1371 Was so heavy it could 1372Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. 1373% 1374A young man of acumen and daring, 1375Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, 1376 Was left quite alone 1377 When it soon became known 1378That their use at his board was unsparing. 1379 -- Edward Gorey 1380% 1381A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll 1382While bent over plucking a dingle 1383 Had the whole of Eisteddfod 1384 Taking turns at his pod 1385While they sang some impossible jingle. 1386% 1387A young man with passions quite gingery 1388Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. 1389 He slapped her behind 1390 And made up his mind 1391To add incest to insult and injury. 1392% 1393A young polo-player of Berkeley 1394Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. 1395 In the midst of each chukker 1396 He would break off and fuck her 1397Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. 1398% 1399A young systems programmer of Sprotic 1400Found his software intensely erotic. 1401 In jealous distress 1402 He wiped his OS. 1403It's possible that he's a psychotic. 1404% 1405A young violinist from Rio 1406Was seducing a woman named Cleo. 1407 As she took down her panties 1408 She said, "No andantes; 1409I want this allegro con brio!" 1410% 1411A young wife in the outskirts of Reims 1412Preferred frigging to going to mass. 1413 Said her husband, "Take Jacques, 1414 Or any young cock, 1415For I cannot live up to your ass." 1416% 1417A young woman got married at Chester, 1418Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. 1419 Says she, "You're in luck, 1420 He's a stunning good fuck, 1421For I've had him myself down in Leicester." 1422% 1423According to experts, the oyster 1424In its shell - a crustacean cloister - 1425 May frequently be 1426 Either he or a she 1427Or both, if it should be its choice ter. 1428% 1429Alas for the Countess d'Isere, 1430Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. 1431 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" 1432 When he parted her thighs; 1433"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." 1434% 1435All the female apes ran from King Kong 1436For his dong was unspeakably long. 1437 But a friendly giraffe 1438 Quaffed his yard and a half, 1439And ecstatically burst into song. 1440% 1441An aesthete from South Carolina 1442Had a cock that tickled like China, 1443 But while shooting his load 1444 It cracked like old Spode, 1445So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. 1446% 1447An agreeable girl named Miss Doves 1448Likes to jack off the young men she loves. 1449 She will use her bare fist 1450 If the fellows insist 1451But she really prefers to wear gloves. 1452% 1453An AI researcher named Bluth 1454Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, 1455 Eroticon VI, 1456 Which he taught certain tricks 1457Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. 1458% 1459An amazon giantess named Dunne 1460Let a midget screw her for fun. 1461 But the poor little runt 1462 Was engulfed in her cunt 1463And re-born as the twin of his son. 1464% 1465An ambitious lady named Harriet 1466Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot 1467 By seventeen sailors 1468 A monk and three tailors, 1469Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. 1470% 1471An anonymous woman we knew 1472Was dozing one day in her pew; 1473 When the preacher yelled "Sin!" 1474 She said, "Count me in 1475As soon as the service is through." 1476% 1477An architect fellow named Yoric 1478Could, when feeling euphoric, 1479 Display for selection 1480 Three kinds of erection- 1481Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 1482% 1483An ardent young man named Magruder 1484Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. 1485 She thought it quite lewd 1486 To be wooed in the nude, 1487But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. 1488% 1489An Argentine gaucho named Bruno 1490Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. 1491 Women are fine 1492 And sheep are divine 1493But llamas are numero uno." 1494% 1495An ARPAnaut name of Corvette 1496Had a fetish involving the net. 1497 As he fondled his IMP 1498 His cock went from limp 1499To as hard as concrete which has set. 1500% 1501An arrogant wench from Salt Lake 1502Liked to tease all the boys on the make. 1503 She was finally the prize 1504 Of a man twice her size 1505And all she recalls is the ache. 1506% 1507An artist who lived in Australia 1508Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1509 The drawing was fine, 1510 The colour - devine, 1511The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1512% 1513An artist who lived in Australia 1514Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1515 The drawing was fine, 1516 The colour - divine, 1517The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1518% 1519An eager young hacker named Gus 1520Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1521 The hardware went bad, 1522 But not the young lad 1523(Except for the toupee and truss). 1524% 1525An eager young hacker named Gus 1526Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1527 The hardware went bad, 1528 But not the young lad 1529He didn't expect all that fuss! 1530% 1531An Edwardian father named Udgeon, 1532Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, 1533 Used on Saturday nights 1534 To turn down the lights, 1535And chase them around with a bludgeon. 1536 -- Edward Gorey 1537% 1538An envious girl named McMeanus 1539Was jealous of her lover's big penis. 1540 It was small consolation 1541 That the rest of the nation 1542Of women were with her in weeness. 1543% 1544An exotic young lady named Suki 1545Once danced in a troupe of kabuki 1546 When asked for a fuck 1547 She said, "Solly, no luck-- 1548See here: looky looky, no nuki " 1549% 1550An impish young fellow named James 1551Had a passion for idiot games. 1552 He lighted the hair 1553 Of his lady's affair 1554And laughed as she pissed through the flames. 1555% 1556An impotent Scot named MacDougall 1557Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. 1558 He was gathering semen 1559 To gender a he-man, 1560By screwing his wife through a bugle. 1561% 1562An incautious young woman named Venn 1563Was seen with the wrong sort of men; 1564 She vanished one day, 1565 But the following May 1566Her legs were retrieved from a fen. 1567 -- Edward Gorey 1568% 1569An indefatigable woman named Bavel 1570Had often occasion to travel; 1571 On the way she would sit 1572 And furiously knit, 1573And on the way back she'd unravel. 1574 -- Edward Gorey 1575% 1576An ingenious young man in South Bend 1577Made a synthetic ass for a friend, 1578 But the friend shortly found 1579 Its construction unsound, 1580It was simply a bother -- no end. 1581% 1582An innocent maiden named Herridge 1583Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; 1584 When she later found out 1585 What her spouse was about, 1586She threw herself under a carriage. 1587 -- Edward Gorey 1588% 1589An inquisitive virgin named Dora 1590Asked the man who started to bore 'er : 1591 "Do you mean birds and bees 1592 Go through antics like these, 1593To suppy us our fauna and flora?" 1594% 1595An irate young lady named Booker 1596Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! 1597 If you want it queer ways, 1598 Go to whores for your lays!" 1599So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. 1600% 1601An octagenerian Jew 1602To his wife remained steadfastly true. 1603 This was not from compunction, 1604 But due to dysfunction 1605Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. 1606% 1607An old couple just at Shrovetide 1608Were having a piece -- when he died. 1609 The wife for a week 1610 Sat tight on his peak, 1611And bounced up and down as she cried. 1612% 1613An old electronic designer 1614Had designs on a minor named Dinah. 1615 He couldn't carry them out 1616 For his prick was too stout, 1617And too small was the minor's vagina. 1618% 1619An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings 1620Were a terrible trial to his siblings, 1621 But he was not removed 1622 Till one day it was proved 1623That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. 1624 -- Edward Gorey 1625% 1626An old maid who had a pet ape 1627Lived in fear of perpetual rape. 1628 His red, hairy phallus 1629 So filled her with malice 1630That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. 1631% 1632An old man at the Folies Bergere 1633Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: 1634 It snipped off a twat-curl 1635 From each new chorus girl, 1636And he had a wig made of the hair. 1637% 1638An organist playing in York 1639Had a prick that could hold a small fork, 1640 And between obbligatos 1641 He'd munch at tomatoes, 1642To keep up his strength while at work. 1643% 1644An orgasmic young sex star named Sue 1645Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. 1646 Her climatic fame spread 1647 With an ad blitz that said: 1648Coming soon at a theater near you! 1649% 1650An uptight young lady named Breerley 1651Who valued her morals too dearly 1652 Had sex, so I hear, 1653 Only once every year, 1654And she strained her vagina severely. 1655% 1656An earnest young woman in Thrace 1657Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" 1658 So he gave her a thwack, 1659 And did on her back, 1660What he couldn't have done face to face. 1661% 1662And then there's the story that's fraught 1663With disaster -- of balls that got caught, 1664 When a chap took a crap 1665 In the woods, and a trap 1666Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! 1667% 1668As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops 1669Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. 1670 Since he thinks it's effete 1671 To be beating his meat, 1672What he's into is licking his chops. 1673% 1674As he came in his chubby choirboy, 1675Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! 1676 If no sodomy levens 1677 And possible heavens, 1678Existence will merely annoy." 1679% 1680As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, 1681Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! 1682 I could not bear the loss, 1683 For with scarlet silk floss 1684My mama has embroidered their clocks." 1685 -- Edward Gorey 1686% 1687As tourists inspected the apse 1688An ominous series of raps 1689 Came from under the altar, 1690 Which caused some to falter 1691And others to shriek and collapse. 1692 -- Edward Gorey 1693% 1694Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, 1695"Do I sin if I do what I want, if 1696 I screw a young nun 1697 In the eastertide sun?" 1698His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." 1699% 1700At a contest for farting in Butte 1701One lady's exertion was cute : 1702 It won the diploma 1703 For fetid aroma, 1704And three judges were felled by the brute. 1705% 1706At a dance, a girl from Connecticut 1707Showed an absolute absence of etiquette 1708 Letting all comers press 1709 Through the skirt of her dress 1710And wiping the mess with her petticoat. 1711% 1712At the end of all civilization 1713Is the planet Terminus's location. 1714 There's a girl there whose feat, 1715 Without stone or concrete, 1716Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. 1717% 1718At the moment Japan declared war 1719A sailor was fucking a whore. 1720 He said, "After this poke 1721 `Long and hard' ain't no joke; 1722This means months 'til I get back ashore." 1723% 1724At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers 1725Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; 1726 It beats all night long 1727 A dirge on a gong 1728As it staggers about in the creepers. 1729 -- Edward Gorey 1730% 1731At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, 1732Though of love we are never penurious. 1733 Thanks to vulcanized aids, 1734 Though we may die old maids, 1735At least we shall never die curious. 1736% 1737At whist drives and strawberry teas 1738Fan would giggle and show off her knees; 1739 But when she was alone 1740 She'd drink eau de cologne, 1741And weep from a sense of unease. 1742 -- Edward Gorey 1743% 1744Augustus, for slpashing his soup, 1745Was put for the night on the stoop; 1746 In the morning he'd not 1747 Repented a jot, 1748And next day he was dead of the croup. 1749 -- Edward Gorey 1750% 1751Augustus, for splashing his soup, 1752Was put for the night on the stoop; 1753 In the morning he'd not 1754 Repented a jot, 1755And next day he was dead of the croup. 1756 -- Edward Gorey 1757% 1758Back in the days of old Adam 1759The grass served as mattress for madam, 1760 And they spent the whole day 1761 On the sex that today 1762They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. 1763% 1764Each Friday his engines abort, 1765But Scotty is never caught short. 1766 He fills his machines 1767 With space-navy beans, 1768And farts the ship back into port. 1769% 1770Each night Father fills me with dread 1771When he sits on the foot of my bed; 1772 I'd not mind that he speaks 1773 In gibbers and squeaks, 1774But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1775 -- Edward Gorey 1776% 1777From deep in the crypt at St. Giles 1778Came a bellow that echoed for miles. 1779 Said the rector, "My gracious, 1780 Has Father Ignatius 1781Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" 1782% 1783From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, 1784There is really abominable news; 1785 They've discovered a head 1786 In the box for the bread, 1787But nobody seems to know whose. 1788 -- Edward Gorey 1789% 1790From the bathing machine came a din 1791As of jollification within; 1792 It was heard far and wide, 1793 And the incoming tide 1794Had a definite flavour of gin. 1795 -- Edward Gorey 1796% 1797"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" 1798Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. 1799 "Since dating Miss Baugh, 1800 My whole tongue has been raw-- 1801It must have been something I ate." 1802% 1803In the case of a lady named Frost, 1804Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, 1805 It's the best part of valor 1806 To bugger the gal, or 1807You're apt to fall in and get lost. 1808% 1809In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, 1810Complacently stroking his madam, 1811 And loud was his mirth 1812 For on all of the earth 1813There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. 1814% 1815In the little French town of Le'Beau, 1816Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. 1817 At a masquerade ball, 1818 Clad in nothing at all, 1819She backed in as a Parker house roll. 1820% 1821It always delights me at Hank's 1822To walk up the old river banks. 1823 One time in the grass 1824 I stepped on an ass, 1825And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." 1826% 1827It had snowed, and the man in the drift, 1828Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" 1829 They sat in her Bentley, 1830 She fondled him gently, 1831And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! 1832% 1833The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- 1834No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. 1835 Where ten thousand virgins 1836 Succumbed to his urgin's 1837There now stands the great State of Utah. 1838% 1839The latest reports from Good Hope 1840State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, 1841 And fuck high, wide, and free, 1842 From the top of one tree 1843To the top of the next -- what a scope! 1844% 1845The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, 1846Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. 1847 Once Congress in session, 1848 Declared its suppression, 1849But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. 1850% 1851The limerick is furtive and mean; 1852You must keep her in close quarantine, 1853 Or she sneaks to the slums 1854 And promptly becomes 1855Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1856 -- Morris Bishop 1857% 1858The old archeologist, Throstle, 1859Discovered a marvelous fossil. 1860 He knew from its bend 1861 And the knot on the end, 1862T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 1863% 1864There a young man from the Coast 1865Who had an affair with a ghost. 1866 At the height of orgasm 1867 Said the pallid phantasm, 1868"I think I can feel it -- almost!" 1869% 1870There once was a bishop from Birmingham 1871Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. 1872 As they knelt on the hassock 1873 He lifted his cassock 1874And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. 1875% 1876There once was a boy named Carruthers 1877Who was busily fucking his mother 1878 "I know it's a sin," 1879 He said, shoving it in, 1880"But it's better than blowing my brother." 1881% 1882There once was a chick named Longet, 1883Who went out to Aspen to play. 1884 Along came a Spyder, 1885 Who sat down beside her 1886And she blew the poor bastard away. 1887% 1888There once was a clergyman's daughter 1889Who detested the pony he bought her, 1890 Till she found that its dong 1891 Was as hard and as long 1892As the prayers her father had taught her. 1893 1894She married a fellow named Tony 1895Who soon found her fucking the pony. 1896 Said he, "What's it got, 1897 My dear, that I've not?" 1898Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." 1899% 1900There once was a couple named Kelley, 1901Who lived their life belly to belly. 1902 Because in their haste 1903 They used library paste, 1904Instead of petroleum jelly. 1905% 1906There once was a couple named Kelly 1907Who walked around belly-to-belly. 1908 It seems in their haste, 1909 They used Carter's paste 1910Instead of petroleum jelly. 1911% 1912There once was a dentist named Stone 1913Who saw all his patients alone. 1914 In a fit of depravity 1915 He filled the wrong cavity, 1916And my, how his practice has grown! 1917% 1918There once was a Duchess of Beever 1919Who slept with her golden retriever. 1920 Said the potted old Duke : 1921 "Such tricks make me puke! 1922Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." 1923% 1924There once was a Duchess of Bruges 1925Whose cunt was incredibly huge. 1926 Said the king to this dame 1927 As he thunderously came: 1928"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" 1929% 1930There once was a fag of Khartoom 1931Who spent the night in a Lesbians room. 1932 They argued all night, 1933 Over who had the right, 1934To do what, and with which, and to whom. 1935% 1936There once was a fairy named Avers 1937Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. 1938 Though buggers all claimed 1939 That their asses were maimed, 1940Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. 1941% 1942There once was a fellow named Bob 1943Who in sexual ways was a snob. 1944 One day he was swimmin' 1945 With twelve naked women 1946And deserted them all for a gob. 1947% 1948There once was a fellow named Brewster 1949Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, 1950 "It used to be grand 1951 But look at my hand 1952You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." 1953% 1954There once was a fellow named Howard, 1955Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, 1956 While grabbing some ass, 1957 He reached critical mass, 1958But think of the girl he deflowered! 1959% 1960There once was a fellow named Potts 1961Who was prone to having the trots 1962 But his humble abode 1963 Was without a commode 1964So his carpet was covered with spots. 1965% 1966There once was a fellow named Siegel 1967Who attempted to bugger a beagle, 1968 But the mettlesome bitch 1969 Turned and said with a twitch, 1970"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." 1971% 1972There once was a fellow named Sweeney 1973Who spilled gin all over his weenie. 1974 Not being uncouth, 1975 He added vermouth 1976And slipped his amour a martini. 1977% 1978There once was a fencer named Fisk, 1979Whose speed was incredibly brisk. 1980 So fast was his action, 1981 The Fitzgerald contraction, 1982Foreshortended his foil to a disk. 1983% 1984There once was a fiesty young terrier 1985Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 1986 He'd yip and he'd yap, 1987 Then leap up and snap; 1988And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 1989% 1990There once was a floozie named Annie 1991Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: 1992 A buck for a fuck, 1993 Fifty cents for a suck, 1994And a dime for a feel of her fanny. 1995% 1996There once was a freshman named Lin, 1997Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 1998 A virgin named Joan 1999 From a bible belt home, 2000Said "This won't be much of a sin." 2001% 2002There once was a gangster named Brown 2003- the sneakiest bastard in town. 2004 He was caught by G-men 2005 Shooting his semen 2006Where the cops would slip and fall down. 2007% 2008There once was a gaucho named Bruno, 2009Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, 2010 Sheep are just fine, 2011 Chickens, divine, 2012But iguanas are Numero Uno." 2013% 2014There once was a gay young Parisian 2015Who screwed an appendix incision, 2016 And the girl of his choice 2017 Could hardly rejoice 2018At the horrible lack of precision. 2019% 2020There once was a girl from Cornell 2021Whose teats were shaped like a bell. 2022 When you touched them they shrunk, 2023 Except when she was drunk, 2024And then they got bigger than hell. 2025% 2026There once was a girl from Decatur, 2027Who got laid by a big alligator. 2028 Now nobody knew 2029 The result of that screw, 2030'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. 2031% 2032There once was a girl from Madras 2033Who had such a beautiful ass - 2034 It was not round and pink 2035 (As you bastards think) 2036But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2037% 2038There once was a girl from Spokane, 2039Went to bed with a one-legged man. 2040 She said, "I know you-- 2041 You've really got two! 2042Why didn't you say so when we began?" 2043% 2044There once was a girl named Irene 2045Who lived on distilled kerosene 2046 But she started absorbin' 2047 A new hydrocarbon 2048And since then has never benzene. 2049% 2050There once was a girl named Louise 2051Who cunt hair hung down to her knees 2052 The crabs in her twat 2053 Tied the hairs in a knot 2054And constructed a flying trapeze 2055% 2056There once was a girl named Mcgoffin 2057Who was diddled amazingly often. 2058 She was rogered by scores 2059 Who'd been turned down by whores, 2060And was finally screwed in her coffin. 2061% 2062There once was a girl named Priscilla 2063Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. 2064 The taste was so fine 2065 Man and beast stood in line 2066(Including a stud armadilla). 2067% 2068There once was a girl so lovely, 2069Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, 2070 She strapped on her tanks, 2071 And started her pranks, 2072But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. 2073% 2074There once was a golfer named Leer, 2075Who got put in the clink for a year, 2076 For an action obscene, 2077 On the very first green. 2078Where the sign said "Enter course here." 2079% 2080There once was a gouty old colonel 2081Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, 2082 And he cried in his tiffin 2083 For his prick wouldn't stiffen, 2084And the size of the thing was infernal. 2085% 2086There once was a guardsman from Buckingham 2087Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. 2088 But when I meet boys, 2089 God! how I enjoys 2090Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." 2091% 2092There once was a hacker named Ken 2093Who inherited truckloads of Yen. 2094 So he built him some chicks, 2095 Of silicon chips, 2096And hasn't been heard from since then. 2097% 2098There once was a handsome young seaman 2099Who with ladies was really a demon. 2100 In peace or in war, 2101 At sea or on shore, 2102He could certainly dish out the semen. 2103% 2104There once was a horny old bitch 2105With a motorized self-frigger which 2106 She would use with delight 2107 All day long and all night - 2108Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. 2109% 2110There once was a horse named Lily 2111Whose dingus was really a dilly. 2112 It was vaginoid duply, 2113 And labial quadruply -- 2114In fact, he was really a filly. 2115% 2116There once was a husky young Viking 2117Whose sexual prowess was striking. 2118 Every time he got hot 2119 He would scour the twat 2120Of some girl that might be to his liking. 2121% 2122There once was a jolly old bloke 2123Who picked up a girl for a poke. 2124 He took down her pants, 2125 Fucked her into a trance, 2126And then shit into her shoe for a joke. 2127% 2128There once was a kiddie named Carr 2129Caught a man on top of his mar. 2130 As he saw him stick 'er, 2131 He said with a snicker, 2132"You do it much faster than par." 2133% 2134There once was a lady from Exeter, 2135So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 2136 One was even so brave 2137 As to take out and wave 2138The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 2139% 2140There once was a lady from Kansas 2141Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. 2142 It was nine inches deep 2143 And the sides were quite steep -- 2144It had whiskers like General Carranza's. 2145% 2146There once was a lady named Carter, 2147Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. 2148 She stripped off his pants, 2149 At his prick quickly glanced, 2150And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" 2151% 2152There once was a lady named Clair, 2153Who posessed a magnificent pair. 2154 Or that's what I thought, 2155 Till I saw one get caught, 2156On a thorn and begin losing air. 2157% 2158There once was a lady named Myrtle 2159Who had an affair with a turtle. 2160 She had crabs, so they say, 2161 In a year and a day 2162Which proved that that turtle was fertile. 2163% 2164There once was a lawyer named Rex 2165With minuscule organs of sex. 2166 Arraigned for exposure, 2167 He maintained with composure, 2168"De minimis non curat lex." 2169 2170 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] 2171% 2172There once was a lifeguard named Lee 2173Who rescued a girl from the sea 2174 She asked how to pay, 2175 And he said "Try this way, 2176Go down for the third time on me." 2177% 2178There once was a maid from Mobile 2179Whose cunt was made of blue steel. 2180 She only got thrills 2181 From pneumatic drills 2182And an off-centered emery wheel. 2183% 2184There once was a man from Bombay 2185He would do it all night and all day 2186 He soon became sore 2187 You shoulda' heard him roar 2188When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! 2189% 2190There once was a man from Calcutta 2191Who used to beat off in the gutta 2192 The heat of the sun 2193 Affected his gun 2194And turned all his cream into butta! 2195% 2196There once was a man from Dunoon, 2197Who always ate soup with a fork. 2198 He said "When I eat 2199 Either fish, foul or flesh, 2200I otherwise finish too quick." 2201% 2202There once was a man from Exameter 2203Who had a prodigious diameter 2204 But it wasn't the size 2205 That brought forth the cries 2206'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. 2207% 2208There once was a man from Madras, 2209Whose balls were made out of brass. 2210 When they clanged together, 2211 They played "Stormy Weather", 2212And lightning shot out of his ass. 2213% 2214There once was a man from Nantee 2215Who buggered an ape in a tree. 2216 The results were most horrid 2217 All ass and no forehead 2218Three balls and a purple goatee. 2219% 2220There once was a man from Nantucket 2221Who kept all his cash in a bucket. 2222 His daughter, named Nan, 2223 Ran away with a man, 2224And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 2225 2226The pair of them went to Manhasset, 2227(Nan and the man with the asset.) 2228 Pa followed them there, 2229 But they left in a tear, 2230And as for the asset, Manhasset. 2231 2232Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, 2233(Nan and the man with the bucket.) 2234 Pa said to the man, 2235 "You're welcome to Nan." 2236But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. 2237% 2238There once was a man from Nantucket, 2239Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 2240 He said with a grin, 2241 As he wiped off his chin, 2242If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! 2243% 2244There once was a man from Nantucket 2245Whose dick was so long he could suck it. 2246 He said with a grin 2247 As he wiped off his chin, 2248"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 2249% 2250There once was a man from Racine, 2251Who invented a screwing machine. 2252 Both concave and convex, 2253 It could please either sex, 2254But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 2255% 2256There once was a man from Sandem 2257Who was making his girl on a tandem. 2258 At the peak of the make 2259 She jammed on the brake 2260And scattered his semen at random. 2261% 2262There once was a man from Sydney 2263Who could put it up to her kidney. 2264 But the man from Quebec 2265 Put it up to her neck; 2266He had a big one, now didn't he? 2267% 2268There once was a man named Lodge, 2269who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2270 When his date was strapped in, 2271 He committed a sin, 2272without ever leaving the garage. 2273% 2274There once was a man named McGruder, 2275Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. 2276 But the girl thought it crude, 2277 To be wooed in the nude, 2278So McGru took an oar and subduder. 2279% 2280There once was a man named McSweeny 2281Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney 2282 So just to be couth 2283 He added vermouth 2284And slipped his best girl a martini. 2285% 2286There once was a man named McSweeny 2287Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. 2288 Just to be couth, 2289 He added vermouth, 2290And slipped his girlfriend a martini. 2291% 2292There once was a man named Parridge 2293With peculiar views on marriage. 2294 He sucked off his brother, 2295 Fucked his own mother, 2296And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. 2297% 2298There once was a man with a hernia 2299Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, 2300 When you work on my middle 2301 Be sure you don't fiddle 2302With things that do not concern ya." 2303% 2304There once was a member of Mensa 2305Who was a most excellent fencer. 2306 The sword that he used 2307 Was his -- (line is refused, 2308And has now been removed by the censor). 2309% 2310There once was a miner named Dave, 2311Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 2312 She was ugly as shit, 2313 And missing one tit, 2314But think of the money he saves. 2315% 2316There once was a monk of Camyre 2317Who was seized with a carnal desire 2318 And the primary cause 2319 Was the abbess's drawers 2320Which were hung up to dry by the fire. 2321% 2322There once was a newspaper vendor, 2323A person of dubious gender. 2324 He would charge one-and-two 2325 For permission to view 2326His remarkable double pudenda. 2327% 2328There once was a plumber from Leigh 2329Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. 2330 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 2331 I think someone's coming!" 2332Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." 2333% 2334There once was a pretty young Mrs. 2335Whose tearful but short story thrs. 2336 Her mind lost its grasp - 2337 Now she thinks she's an asp 2338And just sits in the corner and hrs. 2339% 2340There once was a queen of Bulgaria 2341Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 2342 Till a prince from Peru 2343 Who came up for a screw 2344Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 2345% 2346There once was a reverend at Kings 2347Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. 2348 But his heart was on fire 2349 For a boy in the choir 2350Whose buns were like jelly on springs. 2351% 2352There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel 2353Who said, "They can all go to hell! 2354 What they do to my wife -- 2355 Why it ruins my life; 2356And the worst is they all do it well." 2357% 2358There once was a sailor named Gasted, 2359A swell guy, as long as he lasted, 2360 He could jerk himself off 2361 In a basket, aloft, 2362Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. 2363% 2364There once was a Scot named McAmeter 2365With a tool of prodigious diameter. 2366 It was not the size 2367 That cause such surprise; 2368'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 2369% 2370There once was a son-of-a-bitch, 2371Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, 2372 Yet the girls he would dazzle, 2373 And fuck to a frazzle, 2374And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! 2375% 2376There once was a spaceman named Spock 2377Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. 2378 A girl from Missouri 2379 Whose name was Uhura 2380Just fainted away from the shock. 2381% 2382There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, 2383Discovered his sex life was hapless: 2384 The more he would screw 2385 The more he'd want to, 2386And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. 2387% 2388There once was a Usenetter named Mark, 2389Whose gender was kept in the dark. 2390 He/she/it said with a nod, 2391 "My ancestors were odd!" 2392Did Noah need two for the ark? 2393% 2394There once was a whore from Regina 2395Who had a stupendous vagina. 2396 To save herself time, 2397 She had six at a time, 2398And another one working behind her. 2399% 2400There once was a woman from Arden 2401Who sucked off a man in a garden. 2402 He said, "My dear Flo, 2403 Where does all that stuff go?" 2404And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" 2405% 2406There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield 2407Engaged to look after the deacon's field, 2408 But he lurked in the ditches 2409 And diddled the bitches 2410Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. 2411% 2412There once was a young fellow named Blaine, 2413And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2414 She was ugly and smelly, 2415 With an awful pot-belly, 2416But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2417% 2418There once was a young girl from Natches 2419Who chanced to be born with two snatches 2420 She often said, "Shit! 2421 I'd give either tit 2422For a guy with equipment that matches." 2423% 2424There once was a young man from Boston 2425Who drove around town in an Austin, 2426 There was room for his ass, 2427 And a gallon of gas, 2428So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. 2429% 2430There once was a young man from France 2431Who waited ten years for his chance; 2432Then he muffed it... 2433% 2434There once was a young man from Yuma 2435Who attempted sex with a puma 2436 He gave up real quick 2437 Minus nose, toes, and prick 2438In obvious pain and ill huma. 2439% 2440There once was a young man from Yuma, 2441Who told an elephant joke to a puma. 2442 Now his dry bleached bones lie, 2443 Under hot Asian skies, 2444'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. 2445% 2446There once was a young man named Clyde 2447Who fell in an outhouse, and died. 2448 He had a twin brother 2449 Who fell in another 2450And now they're interred side by side. 2451% 2452There once was a young man named Gene, 2453Who invented a screwing machine. 2454 Concave and convex, 2455 It served either sex, 2456And it played with itself inbetween. 2457% 2458There once was a young man named Lancelot 2459Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot 2460 For when he should pass 2461 A desirable lass 2462The front of his pants would advance a lot. 2463% 2464There once was an Arpanet freak, 2465Who better response-time did seek. 2466 He searched coast to coast, 2467 For a reliable host, 2468Whose logger took less than a week. 2469% 2470There once was an old man from Esser, 2471Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 2472 It at last grew so small, 2473 He knew nothing at all, 2474And now he's a College Professor. 2475% 2476There once were two brothers named Luntz 2477Who buggered each other at once. 2478 When asked to account 2479 For this intricate mount, 2480They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." 2481% 2482There once were two women from Birmingham. 2483And this is the story concerning 'em. 2484 They lifted the frock 2485 And fondled the cock 2486Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. 2487% 2488There was a bluestocking in Florence 2489Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 2490 Till a Spanish grandee, 2491 Got her off with his knee, 2492And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 2493% 2494There was a family named Doe, 2495An ideal family to know. 2496 As father screwed mother, 2497 She said, "You're heavier than brother." 2498And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" 2499% 2500There was a fat lady of China 2501Who'd a really enormous vagina, 2502 And when she was dead 2503 They painted it red, 2504And used it for docking a liner. 2505% 2506There was a fat man from Rangoon 2507Whose prick was much like a ballon. 2508 He tried hard to ride her 2509 And when finally inside her 2510She thought she was pregnant too soon. 2511% 2512There was a gay countess of Bray, 2513And you may think it odd when I say, 2514 That in spite of high station, 2515 Rank and education, 2516She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2517% 2518There was a gay dog from Ontario 2519Who fancied himself a Lothario. 2520 At a wench's glance 2521 He'd snatch off his pants 2522And make for her Mons Venerio. 2523% 2524There was a gay parson of Norton 2525Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. 2526 To make up for this loss, 2527 He had balls like a horse, 2528And never spent less than a quartern. 2529% 2530There was a gay parson of Tooting 2531Whose roe he was frequently shooting, 2532 Till he married a lass 2533 With a face like my arse, 2534And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. 2535% 2536There was a girl from Aberystwyth 2537Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. 2538 The miller's son Jack 2539 Laid her flat on her back 2540And united the organs they pissed with. 2541% 2542There was a lewd fellow named Duff 2543Who loved to dive deep in the muff. 2544 With his head in a whirl 2545 He said, "Spread it, Pearl; 2546I cunt get enough of the stuff!" 2547% 2548There was a man from Mich. 2549Who used to wish and wich. 2550 That spring would come 2551 So he could bum 2552Around and go out fich. 2553% 2554There was a pianist named Liszt 2555Who played with one hand while he pissed, 2556 But as he grew older 2557 His technique grew bolder, 2558And in concert jacked off with his fist. 2559% 2560There was a poor parson from Goring, 2561Who made a small hole in his flooring, 2562 Fur-lined it all round, 2563 Then laid on the ground, 2564And declared it was cheaper than whoring. 2565% 2566There was a strong man of Drumrig 2567Who one day did seven times frig. 2568 He buggered three sailors, 2569 Four dogs and two tailors, 2570And ended by fucking a pig. 2571% 2572There was a teenager named Donna 2573Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." 2574 Two days out of three 2575 She would shoot LSD, 2576And on weekends she smoked marijuana. 2577% 2578There was a young belle of old Natchez 2579Whose garments were always in patchez. 2580 When comment arose 2581 On the state of her clothes 2582She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." 2583% 2584There was a young blade from South Greece 2585Whose bush did so greatly increase 2586 That before he could shack 2587 He must hunt needle in stack. 2588'Twas as bad as being obese. 2589% 2590There was a young bride, a Canuck, 2591Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. 2592 You say that I, maybe, 2593 Can have my first baby-- 2594Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" 2595% 2596There was a young bride of Antigua 2597Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" 2598 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! 2599 Why, you've only felt my twot, 2600My legs and my arse and my figua!" 2601% 2602There was a young chap in Arabia 2603Who courted a widow named Fabia. 2604 "Yes, my tongue is as long 2605 As the average man's dong," 2606He said, licking the lips of her labia. 2607% 2608There was a young cook with the art 2609Of making a delicious tart 2610 With a handful of shit, 2611 Some snot and some spit, 2612And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. 2613% 2614There was a young curate whose brain 2615Was deranged from the use of cocaine; 2616 He lured a small child 2617 To a copse dark and wild, 2618Where he beat it to death with his cane. 2619 -- Edward Gorey 2620% 2621There was a young damsel named Baker 2622Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. 2623 He yelled, "My God! what 2624 Do you call this -- a twat? 2625Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" 2626% 2627There was a young dolly named Molly 2628Who thought that to frig was a folly. 2629 Said she, "Your pee-pee 2630 Means nothing to me, 2631But I'll do it just to be jolly." 2632% 2633There was a young fellow called Clyde 2634Who fell in an outhouse and died. 2635 He had a twin brother 2636 Who fell in another 2637So now they're interred side by side. 2638% 2639There was a young fellow from Cal., 2640In bed with a passionate gal. 2641 He leapt from the bed, 2642 To the toilet he sped; 2643Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" 2644% 2645There was a young fellow from Florida 2646Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. 2647 When they got into bed 2648 He cried, "God strike me dead! 2649This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" 2650% 2651There was a young fellow from Kent 2652Whose cock was so long that it bent 2653 To save himself trouble 2654 He put it in double 2655And instead of coming, he went. 2656% 2657There was a young fellow from Leeds 2658Who swallowed a package of seeds. 2659 Great tufts of grass 2660 Sprouted out of his ass 2661And his balls were all covered with weeds. 2662% 2663There was a young fellow from Parma 2664Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. 2665 Said the damsel demure, 2666 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, 2667But I must say you fuck like a farmer." 2668% 2669There was a young fellow name Tucker 2670Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, 2671 Said, "Don't bow out your lips 2672 Like an elephant's hips, 2673The boys like it best when they pucker." 2674% 2675There was a young fellow named Ades 2676Whose favorite fruit was young maids. 2677 But sheep, nigger boys, whores, 2678 And the knot holes in doors 2679Were by no means exempt from his raids. 2680% 2681There was a young fellow named Babbitt 2682Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, 2683 But a girl from Johore 2684 Could do it twice more, 2685Which was just enough extra to crab it. 2686% 2687There was a young fellow named Bill, 2688Who took an atomic pill, 2689 His navel corroded, 2690 His asshole exploded, 2691And they found his nuts in Brazil. 2692% 2693There was a young fellow named Blaine, 2694And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2695 She was ugly and smelly 2696 With an awful pot-belly, 2697But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2698% 2699There was a young fellow named Bliss 2700Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 2701 For even with Venus 2702 His recalcitrant penis 2703Would never do better than t 2704 h 2705 i 2706 s 2707 . 2708% 2709There was a young fellow named Bowen 2710Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. 2711 It grew so tremendous, 2712 So long and so pendulous, 2713'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. 2714% 2715There was a young fellow named Brewer 2716Whose girl made her home in a sewer. 2717 Thus he, the poor soul, 2718 Could get into her hole, 2719And still not be able to screw her! 2720% 2721There was a young fellow named Case 2722Who entered a cunt-lapping race. 2723 He licked his way clean 2724 Through Number thirteen, 2725But then slipped and got pissed in the face. 2726% 2727There was a young fellow named Charteris 2728Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. 2729 Said she, "I don't mind, 2730 And higher up you'll find 2731The place where my fucker and farter is." 2732% 2733There was a young fellow named Cribbs 2734Whose cock was so big it had ribs. 2735 They were inches apart, 2736 And to suck it took art, 2737While to fuck it took forty-two trips. 2738% 2739There was a young fellow named dick 2740Who had a magnificent prick. 2741 It was shaped like a prism 2742 And shot so much gism 2743It made every cocksucker sick. 2744% 2745There was a young fellow named Feeney 2746Whose girl was a terrible meany. 2747 The hatch of her snatch 2748 Had a catch that would latch 2749- She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2750% 2751There was a young fellow named Fletcher, 2752Was reputed an infamous lecher. 2753 When he'd take on a whore 2754 She'd need a rebore, 2755And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. 2756% 2757There was a young fellow named Fyfe 2758Whose marriage was ruined for life, 2759 For he had an aversion 2760 To every perversion, 2761And only liked fucking his wife. 2762 2763Well, one year the poor woman struck, 2764And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, 2765 And said, "Where have you gotten us 2766 With your goddamn monotonous 2767Fuck after fuck after fuck? 2768 2769"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- 2770And a versatile girl she was, too. 2771 After ten years of whoredom 2772 She perished of boredom 2773When she married a jackass like you!" 2774% 2775There was a young fellow named Gene 2776Who first picked his asshole quite clean. 2777 He next picked his toes, 2778 And lastly his nose, 2779And he never did wash in between. 2780% 2781There was a young fellow named Gluck 2782Who found himself shit out of luck. 2783 Though he petted and wooed, 2784 When he tried to get screwed 2785He found virgins just don't give a fuck. 2786% 2787There was a young fellow named Goody 2788Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? 2789 If he found himself nude 2790 With a gal in the mood 2791The question's not woody but could he? 2792% 2793There was a young fellow named Grant 2794Who was made like the sensitive plant. 2795 When they asked "Do you fuck?" 2796 He replied, "No such luck. 2797I would if I could, but I can't." 2798% 2799There was a young fellow named Grimes 2800Who fucked his girl seventeen times 2801 In the course of a week -- 2802 And this isn't to speak 2803Of assorted venereal crimes. 2804% 2805There was a young fellow named Harry, 2806Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. 2807 He grabbed him a virgin, 2808 Who, without any urgin', 2809Immediately spread like a fairy. 2810% 2811There was a young fellow named Hatch 2812Who was fond of the music of Bach. 2813 He said: "It's not fussy 2814 Like Brahms and Debussy; 2815Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." 2816% 2817There was a young fellow named Kimble 2818Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, 2819 But fragile and slender, 2820 And dainty and tender, 2821So he kept it encased in a thimble. 2822% 2823There was a young fellow named Meek 2824Who invented a lingual technique. 2825 It drove women frantic, 2826 And made them romantic, 2827And wore all the hair off his cheek. 2828% 2829There was a young fellow named Morgan 2830Who possessed an unusual organ: 2831 The end of his dong, 2832 Which was nine inches long, 2833Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. 2834% 2835There was a young fellow named Paul 2836Who confessed, "I have only one ball. 2837 But the size of my prick 2838 Is God's dirtiest trick, 2839For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" 2840% 2841There was a young fellow named Pell 2842Who didn't like cunt very well. 2843 He would finger or fuck one, 2844 But never would suck one-- 2845He just couldn't get used to the smell. 2846% 2847There was a young fellow named Price 2848Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. 2849 He had virgins and boys 2850 And mechanical toys, 2851And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! 2852% 2853There was a young fellow named Prynne 2854Whose prick was so short and so thin, 2855 His wife found she needed 2856 A Fuckoscope -- she did -- 2857To see if he'd gotten it in. 2858% 2859There was a young fellow named Skinner 2860Who took a young lady to dinner 2861 At a quarter to nine, 2862 They sat down to dine, 2863At twenty to ten it was in her. 2864The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. 2865 2866There was a young fellow named Tupper 2867Who took a young lady to supper. 2868 At a quarter to nine, 2869 They sat down to dine, 2870And at twenty to ten it was up her. 2871Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! 2872% 2873There was a young fellow named Sweeney, 2874Whose girl was a terrible meanie, 2875 The hatch of her snatch, 2876 Had a catch that would latch, 2877She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2878% 2879There was a young fellow of Burma 2880Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. 2881 But now that he's married he's 2882 Been using cantharides 2883And the root of their love is much firmer. 2884% 2885There was a young fellow of Greenwich 2886Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 2887 He had such a tool 2888 It was wound on a spool, 2889And he reeled it out inich by inich. 2890 2891But this tale has an unhappy finich, 2892For due to the sand in the spinach 2893 His ballocks grew rough 2894 And wrecked his wife's muff, 2895And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. 2896% 2897There was a young fellow of Harrow 2898Whose john was the size of a marrow. 2899 He said to his tart, 2900 "How's this for a start? 2901My balls are outside in a barrow." 2902% 2903There was a young fellow of Kent 2904Whose prick was so long that it bent, 2905 So to save himself trouble 2906 He put it in double, 2907And instead of coming he went. 2908% 2909There was a young fellow of Mayence 2910Who fucked his own arse in defiance 2911 Not only of custom 2912 And morals, dad-bust him, 2913But of most of the known laws of science. 2914% 2915There was a young fellow of Perth 2916Whose balls were the finest on earth. 2917 They grew to such size 2918 That one won a prize, 2919And goodness knows what they were worth. 2920% 2921There was a young fellow of Strensall 2922Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. 2923 On the night of his wedding 2924 It went through the bedding, 2925And shattered the chamber utensil. 2926% 2927There was a young fellow of Warwick 2928Who had reason for feeling euphoric, 2929 For he could by election 2930 Have triune erection: 2931Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. 2932% 2933There was a young fellow whose dong 2934Was prodigiously massive and long. 2935 On each side of his whang 2936 Two testes did hang 2937That attracted a curious throng. 2938% 2939There was a young gaucho named Bruno 2940Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. 2941 A woman is fine, 2942 And a sheep is divine, 2943But a llama is Numero Uno." 2944% 2945There was a young gaucho named Bruno 2946Who said, "There is one thing I do know, 2947 Women are fine 2948 And children devine, 2949But the llama is numero uno." 2950% 2951There was a young German named Ringer 2952Who was screwing an opera singer. 2953 Said he with a grin, 2954 "Well, I've sure got it in!" 2955Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" 2956% 2957There was a young girl from Annista 2958Who dated a lecherous mister. 2959 He fondled her titty, 2960 Got one finger shitty, 2961Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. 2962% 2963There was a young girl from Decatur 2964Who was raped by an alligator. 2965 But no one quite knew 2966 How she relished that screw, 2967For after he screwed her, he ate her. 2968% 2969There was a young girl from Dundee, 2970From her fanny there grew a plum tree. 2971 No one ate the nice fruit, 2972 To tell you the truth, 2973Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. 2974% 2975There was a young girl from East Lynn 2976Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) 2977 Had filled up her crack 2978 With hard-setting shellac, 2979But the boys picked it out with a pin. 2980% 2981There was a young girl from Hong Kong 2982Who said, "You are utterly wrong 2983 To say my vagina 2984 Is the largest in China 2985Just because of your mean little dong." 2986% 2987There was a young girl from Hong Kong 2988Whose cervical cap was a gong. 2989 She said with a yell, 2990 As a shot rang her bell, 2991"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 2992% 2993There was a young girl from Medina 2994Who could completely control her vagina. 2995 She could twist it around 2996 Like the cunts that are found 2997In Japan, Manchukuo and China. 2998% 2999There was a young girl from New York 3000Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. 3001 A woodpecker or two 3002 Made the grade it is true, 3003But it totally baffled the stork. 3004 3005Till along came a man who presented 3006A tool that was strangely indented. 3007 With a dizzying twirl 3008 He punctured that girl, 3009And thus was the cork-screw invented. 3010% 3011There was a young girl from New York 3012Who plugged up her quim with a cork 3013 A woodpecker or two 3014 Made the grade, it is true, 3015But it totally baffled the stork. 3016% 3017There was a young girl from Peru, 3018Who had nothing whatever to do. 3019 So she sat on the stairs, 3020 And counted cunt hairs, 3021Four thousand, three hundred and two. 3022% 3023There was a young girl from Peru, 3024Who noticed her lovers were few; 3025 So she walked out her door 3026 With a fig leaf, no more, 3027And now she's in bed - with the flu. 3028% 3029There was a young girl from Samoa 3030Who pledged that no man would know her. 3031 One young fellow tried, 3032 But she wriggled aside, 3033And he spilled all his spermatozoa. 3034% 3035There was a young girl from Seattle, 3036Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. 3037 But a bull from the South 3038 Shot a wad in her mouth 3039That made both her ovaries rattle. 3040% 3041There was a young girl from Siam 3042Who said to her boyfriend Priam, 3043 "To seduce me, of course, 3044 You'll have to use force, 3045And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. 3046% 3047There was a young girl from St. Cyr 3048Whose reflex reactions were queer. 3049 Her escort said, "Mable, 3050 Get up off the table; 3051That money's to pay for the beer." 3052% 3053There was a young girl from St. Paul 3054Who went to a newspaper ball. 3055 Her dress caught on fire 3056 And burnt her entire 3057Front page and sport section and all. 3058% 3059There was a young girl from the Bronix 3060Who had a vagina of onyx. 3061 She had so much `tsoris' 3062 With her clitoris, 3063She traded it in for a Packard. 3064% 3065There was a young girl from the coast 3066Who, just when she needed it most, 3067 Lost her Kotex and bled 3068 All over the bed, 3069And the head and the beard of her host. 3070% 3071There was a young girl in Berlin 3072Who eked out a living through sin. 3073 She didn't mind fucking, 3074 But much preferred sucking, 3075And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. 3076% 3077There was a young girl in Berlin 3078Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. 3079 Though he diddled his best, 3080 And fucked her with zest, 3081She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" 3082% 3083There was a young girl in Dakota 3084Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: 3085 "In addition to gas 3086 We are rationing ass, 3087And you've greatly exceeded your quota." 3088% 3089There was a young girl name McKnight 3090Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. 3091 She came to in bed, 3092 With a split maidenhead-- 3093That's the last time she ever was tight. 3094% 3095There was a young girl named Ann Heuser 3096Who swore that no man could surprise her. 3097 But Pabst took a chance, 3098 Found a Schlitz in her pants, 3099And now she is sadder Budweiser. 3100% 3101There was a young girl named Heather 3102Whose twitcher was made out of leather. 3103 She made a queer noise, 3104 Which attracted the boys, 3105By flapping the edges together. 3106% 3107There was a young girl named McCall 3108Whose cunt was exceedingly small, 3109 But the size of her anus 3110 Was something quite heinous -- 3111It could hold seven pricks and one ball. 3112% 3113There was a young girl named O'Clare 3114Whose body was covered with hair. 3115 It was really quite fun 3116 To probe with one's gun, 3117For her quimmy might be anywhere. 3118% 3119There was a young girl named O'Malley 3120Who wanted to dance in the ballet. 3121 She got roars of applause 3122 When she kicked off her drawers, 3123But her hair and her bush didn't tally. 3124% 3125There was a young girl named Saphire 3126Who succumbed to her lovers desire. 3127 She said, "It's a sin, 3128 But now that it's in, 3129Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3130% 3131There was a young girl named Sapphire 3132Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 3133 She said, "It's a sin, 3134 But now that it's in, 3135Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3136% 3137There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3138Who screwed every man that she kissed with. 3139 She tickled the balls 3140 Of the men in the halls, 3141And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. 3142% 3143There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3144Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. 3145 The miller's sun, Jack, 3146 Laid her flat on her back, 3147And united the organs they pissed with. 3148% 3149There was a young girl of Angina 3150Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 3151 From the love-making frock 3152 (With the proper sized cock) 3153Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. 3154% 3155There was a young girl of Asturias 3156With a penchant for practices curious. 3157 She loved to bat rocks 3158 With her gentlemen's cocks -- 3159A practice both rude and injurious. 3160% 3161There was a young girl of Batonger 3162who diddled herself with a conger, 3163 When asked how it feels 3164 To be pleasured by eels 3165She said, "Just like a man, only longer. 3166% 3167There was a young girl of Cah'lina, 3168Had a very capricious vagina: 3169 To the shock of the fucker 3170 "Twould suddenly pucker, 3171And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." 3172% 3173There was a young girl of Cape Cod 3174Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. 3175 But it wasn't Jehovah 3176 That turned the girl over, 3177'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, 3178 the bugger, the bastard, the sod! 3179% 3180There was a young girl of Cape Town 3181Who usually fucked with a clown. 3182 He taught her the trick 3183 Of sucking his prick, 3184And when it went up -- she went down. 3185% 3186There was a young girl of Coxsaxie 3187Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. 3188 She was fucked at the show 3189 In the twenty-third row, 3190And once more going home in the taxi. 3191% 3192There was a young girl of Darjeeling 3193Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 3194 There was never a sound 3195 For miles around 3196Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 3197% 3198There was a young girl of Des Moines 3199Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, 3200 Till a guy from Hoboken 3201 Went and dropped in a token, 3202And now she rides free on the ferry. 3203% 3204There was a young girl of Detroit 3205Who at fucking was very adroit: 3206 She could squeeze her vagina 3207 To a pin-point, or finer, 3208Or open it out like a quoit. 3209 3210And she had a friend named Durand 3211Whose cock could contract or expand. 3212 He could diddle a midge 3213 Or the arch of a bridge -- 3214Their performance together was grand! 3215% 3216There was a young girl of East Lynne 3217Whose mother, to save her from sin, 3218 Had filled up her crack, 3219 To the brim with shellac, 3220But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3221% 3222There was a young girl of Gibraltar 3223Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. 3224 It really seems odd 3225 That a virtuous God 3226Should answer her prayers and assault her. 3227% 3228There was a young girl of LLewellyn 3229Whose breasts were as big as a melon. 3230 They were big it is true, 3231 But her cunt was big too, 3232Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view 3233Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. 3234% 3235There was a young girl of Mobile, 3236Who hymen was made of chilled steel, 3237 To give her a thrill, 3238 Took a rotary drill, 3239Or a number nine emery wheel. 3240% 3241There was a young girl of Moline 3242Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. 3243 She would work on a prick 3244 With every known trick, 3245And finish by winking it clean. 3246% 3247There was a young girl of Newcastle 3248Whose charms were declared universal. 3249 While one man in front 3250 Wired into her cunt, 3251Another was engaged at her arsehole. 3252% 3253There was a young girl of Pawtucket 3254Whose box was as big as a bucket. 3255 Her boy-friend said, "Toots, 3256 I'll have to wear boots, 3257For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." 3258% 3259There was a young girl of Penzance 3260Who boarded a bus in a trance. 3261 The passengers fucked her, 3262 Likewise the conductor, 3263While the driver shot off in his pants. 3264% 3265There was a young girl of Pitlochry 3266Who was had by a man in a rockery. 3267 She said, "Oh! You've come 3268 All over my bum; 3269This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." 3270% 3271There was a young girl of Rangoon 3272Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. 3273 "Well, it has been great fun," 3274 She remarked when he'd done, 3275"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." 3276% 3277There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, 3278Whose people all thought her a virgin, 3279 Till they found her in bed 3280 With her twat very red, 3281And the head of a kid just emergin'. 3282% 3283There was a young girl, very sweet, 3284Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. 3285 When she sat on their lap 3286 She unbuttoned their flap, 3287And always had plenty to eat. 3288% 3289There was a young girl who begat 3290Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. 3291 T'was fun in the breeding 3292 But hell in the feeding 3293When she found there's no tit for Tat. 3294% 3295There was a young girl who begat 3296Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. 3297 It was fun in the breeding, 3298 But hell in the feeding, 3299When she found there was no tit for Tat. 3300% 3301There was a young harlot from Kew 3302Who filled her vagina with glue. 3303 She said with a grin, 3304 "If they pay to get in, 3305They'll pay to get out of it too." 3306% 3307There was a young harlot named Schwartz 3308Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, 3309 And they tickled so nice 3310 She drew a high price 3311From the studs at the summer resorts. 3312 3313Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, 3314Was seldom hard up for a diddle, 3315 For according to rumor 3316 His tool had a tumor 3317And a fine row of warts down the middle. 3318% 3319There was a young hayseed from Tiffan 3320Whose cock would constantly stiffen. 3321 The knob out in front 3322 Attracted foul cunt 3323Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. 3324% 3325There was a young idler named Blood, 3326Made a fortune performing at stud, 3327 With a fifteen-inch peter, 3328 A double-beat metre, 3329And a load like the Biblical Flood. 3330% 3331There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway 3332Whose screams could be heard for a block away. 3333 Perceiving his error, 3334 The Rabbi in terror 3335Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" 3336% 3337There was a young lad from Nahant 3338Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. 3339 When asked, "Do you fuck?" 3340 He replied, "No such luck. 3341I would if I could but I can't." 3342% 3343There was a young lad from Siam, 3344Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. 3345 He loved them real small, 3346 'Cause they're funner to ball, 3347So he went out and bought him a lamb! 3348% 3349There was a young lad name of Durcan 3350Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3351 His father said, "Durcan! 3352 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 3353Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3354% 3355There was a young lad name of Ward 3356Who strung himself up with a cord 3357 Said he, of his work 3358 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) 3359"I am leaving because I am bored." 3360 - E.A. Guest 3361% 3362There was a young lad named McFee 3363Who was stung in the balls by a bee 3364 He made oodles of money 3365 By oozing pure honey 3366Every time he attempted to pee. 3367% 3368There was a young lady at sea 3369Who complained that it hurt her to pee. 3370 Said the brawny old mate, 3371 "That accounts for the state 3372Of the cook and the captain and me." 3373% 3374There was a young lady at sea 3375Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." 3376 "I see," said the mate, 3377 "That accounts for the state 3378Of the captain, the purser, and me." 3379% 3380There was a young lady called Ciss 3381Who went to the river to piss. 3382 A young man in a punt 3383 Put his hand on her cunt; 3384No wonder she thought it was bliss. 3385% 3386There was a young lady from Bangor 3387Who slept while the ship lay at anchor 3388 She woke in dismay 3389 When she heard the mate say: 3390"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" 3391% 3392There was a young lady from Bright, 3393Whose speed was much faster than light. 3394 She went out one day 3395 In a relative way 3396And returned on the previous night. 3397% 3398There was a young lady from Bristol 3399Who went to the Palace called Crystal. 3400 Said she, "It's all glass, 3401 And as round as my ass," 3402And she farted as loud as a pistol. 3403% 3404There was a young lady from Brussels 3405Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. 3406 She could easily plex them 3407 And so interflex them 3408As to whistle love songs through her bustles. 3409% 3410There was a young lady from Drew 3411Who ended her verse at line two. 3412% 3413There was a young lady from Dumfries 3414Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! 3415 My navel's all bare, 3416 So stick it in there, 3417Before both my legs and my bum freeze." 3418% 3419There was a young lady from Exeter, 3420So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 3421 One was even so brave 3422 As to take out and wave 3423The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 3424% 3425There was a young lady from Hyde 3426Who ate a green apple and died. 3427 While her lover lamented 3428 The apple fermented 3429And made cider inside her inside. 3430% 3431There was a young lady from Maine 3432Who claimed she had men on her brain. 3433 But you knew from the view, 3434 As her abdomen grew, 3435It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 3436% 3437There was a young lady from Munich 3438Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3439 At the height of their passion 3440 He dealt her a ration 3441From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. 3442% 3443There was a young lady from Norway 3444Who hung by her heels in a doorway. 3445 She told her young man, 3446 "Get off the divan, 3447I think I've discovered one more way" 3448% 3449There was a young lady from Prentice 3450Who had an affair with a dentist. 3451 To make things easier 3452 He used anesthesia, 3453And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. 3454% 3455There was a young lady from Rheims 3456Who amazingly pissed in four streams. 3457 A friend poked around 3458 And a fly-button found 3459Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. 3460% 3461There was a young lady from Rio 3462Who slept with the Fornier trio. 3463 As she dropped her panties 3464 She said, "No andanties 3465I want this allegro con brio." 3466% 3467There was a young lady from Siam 3468Who said to her lover, one Kiam, 3469 "You may kiss me of course, 3470 But you'll have to use force. 3471Though god knows you're stronger than I am." 3472% 3473There was a young lady from Spain 3474Who demurely undressed on a train. 3475 A helpful young porter 3476 Helped more than he orter, 3477And she promptly cried "Help me again" 3478% 3479There was a young lady from Spain 3480Who got sick as she rode on a train; 3481 Not once, but again, 3482 And again, and again, 3483And again, and again, and again. 3484% 3485There was a young lady from Spain 3486Whose face was exceedingly plain, 3487 But her cunt had a pucker 3488 That made the men fuck her, 3489Again, and again, and again. 3490% 3491There was a young lady from Troy 3492Had a moustache, just like a young boy 3493 Though it tickled to kiss 3494 'Twas a source of much bliss 3495When she used it to brush a man's toy. 3496% 3497There was a young lady from Wheeling 3498Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. 3499 But a cynic named Boris 3500 Just touched her clitoris 3501And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3502% 3503There was a young lady from Wheeling 3504Who had a peculiar feeling. 3505 She laid on her back 3506 And tickled her crack 3507And pissed all over the ceiling. 3508% 3509There was a young lady from Wooster 3510Who complained that too many men gooster. 3511 So she traded her scanties 3512 For sandpaper panties, 3513Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. 3514% 3515There was a young lady in Reno, 3516Who lost all her dough playing Keno. 3517 But she lay on her back, 3518 And opened her crack, 3519So now she owns the Casino! 3520% 3521There was a young lady named Alice 3522Who was known to have peed in a chalice. 3523 'Twas the common belief 3524 It was done for relief, 3525And not out of protestant malice. 3526% 3527There was a young lady named Astor 3528Who never let any get past her. 3529 She finally got plenty 3530 By stopping twenty, 3531Which certainly ought to last her. 3532% 3533There was a young lady named Banker, 3534Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, 3535 She woke in dismay, 3536 When she heard the mate say, 3537"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." 3538% 3539There was a young lady named Blount 3540Who had a rectangular cunt. 3541 She learned for diversion 3542 Posterior perversion, 3543Since no one could fit here in front. 3544% 3545There was a young lady named Bower 3546Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. 3547 But a poet from Perth 3548 Laid her flat on the earth, 3549And proceeded with penis to plough her. 3550% 3551There was a young lady named Brent 3552With a cunt of enormous extent, 3553 And so deep and so wide, 3554 The acoustics inside 3555Were so good you could hear when you spent. 3556% 3557There was a young lady named Bright 3558Who could travel much faster than light. 3559 She took off one day, 3560 In a relative way, 3561And returned on the previous night. 3562% 3563There was a young lady named Brook 3564Who never could learn how to cook. 3565 But on a divan 3566 She could please any man- 3567She knew every darn trick in the book! 3568% 3569There was a young lady named Cager 3570Who, as the result of a wager, 3571 Consented to fart 3572 The entire oboe part 3573Of Mozart's quartet in F major. 3574% 3575There was a young lady named Ciss 3576Who said, "I think skating's a bliss" 3577 But she'll never restate, 3578 For a wheel off her skate 3579.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM 3580% 3581There was a young lady named Clair 3582Who possessed a magnificent pair; 3583 At least so I thought 3584 Till I saw one get caught 3585On a thorn, and begin losing air. 3586% 3587There was a young lady named Dot 3588Whose cunt was so terribly hot 3589 That ten bishops of Rome 3590 And the Pope's private gnome 3591Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. 3592% 3593There was a young lady named Duff 3594With a lovely, luxuriant muff. 3595 In his haste to get in her 3596 One eager beginner 3597Lost both of his balls in the rough. 3598% 3599There was a young lady named Etta 3600Who was constantly seen in a swetta. 3601 Three reasons she had: 3602 To keep warm wasn't bad, 3603But the other two reasons were betta. 3604% 3605There was a young lady named Fleager 3606Who was terribly, terribly eager 3607 To be all the rage 3608 On the tragedy stage, 3609Though her talents were pitifully meagre. 3610 -- Edward Gorey 3611% 3612There was a young lady named Flo 3613Whose lover had pulled out too slow. 3614 So they tried it all night, 3615 Till he got it just right... 3616Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. 3617% 3618There was a young lady named Flynn 3619Who thought fornication a sin, 3620 But when she was tight 3621 It seemed quite all right, 3622So everyone filled her with gin. 3623% 3624There was a young lady named Gilda 3625Who went on a date with a builder. 3626 He said that he would, 3627 And he could and he should, 3628And he did and it damn well near killed her. 3629% 3630There was a young lady named Gloria 3631Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, 3632 And then by six men, 3633 Sir Gerald again, 3634And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 3635% 3636There was a young lady named Gloria, 3637Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" 3638 She replied to the chap, 3639 "I'll draw you a map, 3640Of where others have been to before ya." 3641% 3642There was a young lady named Grace 3643Who would not take a prick in her "place." 3644 Though she'd kiss it and suck it, 3645 She never would fuck it-- 3646She just couldn't relax face-to-face. 3647% 3648There was a young lady named Hall, 3649Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 3650 The dress caught on fire 3651 And burned her entire 3652Front page, sporting section, and all. 3653% 3654There was a young lady named Hatch 3655Who would always come through in a scratch. 3656 If a guy wouldn't neck her, 3657 She'd grab up his pecker 3658And shove the damn thing up her snatch. 3659% 3660There was a young lady named Mable 3661Who liked to sprawl out on the table, 3662 Then cry to her man, 3663 "Stuff in all you can -- 3664Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." 3665% 3666There was a young lady named Mandel 3667Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal 3668 By coming out bare 3669 On the main village square 3670And frigging herself with a candle. 3671% 3672There was a young lady named Maud, 3673A terrible society fraud: 3674 In company, I'm told, 3675 She was distant and cold, 3676But if you got her alone, Oh God! 3677% 3678There was a young lady named May 3679Who strolled in a park by the way, 3680 And she met a youg man 3681 Who fucked her and ran -- 3682Now she goes to the park every day. 3683% 3684There was a young lady named Nance 3685Who learned about fucking in France, 3686 And when you'd insert it 3687 She'd squeeze till she hurt it, 3688And shoved it right back in your pants. 3689% 3690There was a young lady named Nelly 3691Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. 3692 They could tickle her twat 3693 Or be tied in a knot, 3694And could even swat flies on her belly. 3695% 3696There was a young lady named Ransom 3697Who was raped three times in a hansom 3698 When she cried out for more 3699 Said a voice from the floor, 3700"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson 3701% 3702There was a young lady named Ransom 3703Who was rogered three times in a hansom. 3704 When she cried out for more 3705 A voice from the floor 3706Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." 3707% 3708There was a young lady named Riddle 3709Who had an untouchable middle. 3710 She had many friends 3711 Because of her ends, 3712Since it isn't the middle you diddle. 3713% 3714There was a young lady named Rose 3715Who fainted whenever she chose; 3716 She did so one day 3717 While playing croquet, 3718But was quickly revived with a hose. 3719 -- Edward Gorey 3720% 3721There was a young lady named Rose 3722With erogenous zones in her toes. 3723 She remained onanistic 3724 Till a foot-fetishistic 3725Young man became one of her beaux. 3726% 3727There was a young lady named Schneider 3728Who often kept trysts with a spider. 3729 She found a strange bliss, 3730 In the hiss of her piss, 3731As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. 3732% 3733There was a young lady named Smith 3734Whose virtue was largely a myth. 3735 She said, "Try as I can 3736 I can't find a man 3737Who it's fun to be virtuous with." 3738% 3739There was a young lady named Twiss 3740Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 3741 For it tickled her bum 3742 And caused her to come 3743.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 3744% 3745There was a young lady named Wylde 3746Who kept herself quite undefiled 3747 By thinking of Jesus; 3748 Contagious diseases; 3749And the bother of having a child. 3750% 3751There was a young lady of Arden, 3752The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. 3753 Said she with a frown, 3754 "I've been sadly let down 3755By the tool of a fool in a garden." 3756% 3757There was a young lady of Bicester 3758Who was nicer by far than her sister: 3759 The sister would giggle 3760 And wiggle and jiggle, 3761But this one would come if you kissed her. 3762% 3763There was a young lady of Brabant 3764Who slept with an impotent savant. 3765 She admitted, "We shouldn't, 3766 But it turned out he couldn't- 3767So you can't say we have when we haven't." 3768% 3769There was a young lady of Bude 3770Who walked down the street in the nude. 3771 A bobby said, "Whattum 3772 Magnificent bottom!" 3773And slapped it as hard as he could. 3774% 3775There was a young lady of Carmia 3776Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. 3777 At every cold snap 3778 She would climb in your lab, 3779So her little base burner could warm ya. 3780% 3781There was a young lady of Dee 3782Who went down to the river to pee. 3783 A man in a punt 3784 Put his hand on her cunt, 3785And God! how I wish it were me. 3786% 3787There was a young lady of Dee 3788Whose hymen was split into three. 3789 And when she was diddled 3790 The middle string fiddled : 3791"Nearer My God To Thee." 3792% 3793There was a young lady of Dexter 3794Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, 3795 For whenever they'd start 3796 He'd unfailingly fart 3797With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. 3798% 3799There was a young lady of Dover 3800Whose passion was such that it drove her 3801 To cry, when you came, 3802 "Oh dear! What a shame! 3803Well, now we shall have to start over." 3804% 3805There was a young lady of Ealing 3806And her lover before her was kneeling. 3807 Said she, "Dearest Jim, 3808 Take your hands off my quim; 3809I much prefer fucking to feeling." 3810% 3811There was a young lady of fashion 3812Who had oodles and oodles of passion. 3813 To her lover she said, 3814 As they climbed into bed, 3815"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" 3816% 3817There was a young lady of Fez 3818Who was known to the public as "Jez." 3819 Jezebel was her name, 3820 Sucking cocks was the game 3821She excelled at (so everyone says). 3822% 3823There was a young lady of Gaza 3824Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3825 The crabs, in a lump, 3826 Made tracks to her rump-- 3827This passing parade did amaze her. 3828% 3829There was a young lady of Gloucester, 3830Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. 3831 She wasn't much hurt, 3832 But he dirtied her skirt, 3833So think of the anguish it cost her. 3834% 3835There was a young lady of Gloucester 3836Whose friends they thought they had lost her 3837 Till they found on the grass 3838 The marks of her arse, 3839And the knees of the man who had crossed her. 3840% 3841There was a young lady of Kent, 3842Who admitted she knew what it meant 3843 When men asked her to dine, 3844 And plied her with wine, 3845She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! 3846% 3847There was a young lady of Lee 3848Who scrambled up into a tree, 3849 When she got there 3850 Her arsehole was bare, 3851And so was her C U N T. 3852% 3853There was a young lady of Lincoln 3854Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, 3855 So she had a prick lent her 3856 Which turned it magenta, 3857This artful old lady of Lincoln. 3858% 3859There was a young lady of Natchez 3860Who chanced to be born with two snatches, 3861 And she often said, "Shit! 3862 Why, I'd give either tit 3863For a man with equipment that matches." 3864 3865There was a young fellow named Locke 3866Who was born with a two-headed cock. 3867 When he'd fondle the thing 3868 It would rise up and sing 3869An antiphonal chorus by Bach. 3870 3871But whether these two ever met 3872Has not been recorded as yet, 3873 Still, it would be diverting 3874 To see him inserting 3875His whang while it sang a duet. 3876% 3877There was a young lady of Norway 3878Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 3879 She said to her beau 3880 "Just look at me Joe 3881I think I've discovered one more way." 3882% 3883There was a young lady of Rhyll 3884In an omnibus was taken ill, 3885 So she called the conductor, 3886 Who got in and fucked her, 3887Which did more good than a pill. 3888% 3889There was a young lady of Spain 3890Who took down her pants on a train. 3891 There was a young porter 3892 Saw more than he orter, 3893And asked her to do it again. 3894% 3895There was a young lady of Spain 3896Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. 3897 They did it again 3898 And again and again, 3899And again and again and again. 3900% 3901There was a young lady of Twickenham 3902Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. 3903 On her knees every day 3904 To God she would pray 3905To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. 3906% 3907There was a young lady of Wheeling 3908Said to her beau, "I've a feeling 3909 My little brown jug 3910 Has need of a plug" -- 3911And straightaway she started to peeling. 3912% 3913There was a young lady of Wheeling 3914Who professed to lack sexual feeling. 3915 But a cynic named Boris 3916 Just touched her clitoris, 3917And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3918% 3919There was a young lady who said, 3920As her bridegroom got into the bed, 3921 "I'm tired of this stunt, 3922 That they do with one's cunt, 3923You can get up my bottom instead." 3924% 3925There was a young lady whose cunt 3926Could accomodate a small punt. 3927 Her mother said, "Annie, 3928 It matches your fanny, 3929Which never was that of a runt." 3930% 3931There was a young lady whose thighs, 3932When spread showed a slit of such size, 3933 And so deep and so wide, 3934 You could play cards inside, 3935Much to her bridegroom's surprise. 3936% 3937There was a young lass from Surat. 3938The cheeks of her ass were so fat 3939 That they had to be parted 3940 Whenever she farted, 3941And also whenever she shat. 3942% 3943There was a young laundress named Wrangle 3944Whose tits tilted up at an angle. 3945 "They may tickle my chin," 3946 She said with a grin, 3947"But at least they keep out of the mangle." 3948% 3949There was a young maiden from Osset 3950Whose quim was nine inches across it. 3951 Said a young man named Tong, 3952 With tool nine inches long, 3953"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." 3954% 3955There was a young man from Bear Ridge 3956Who had strange ideas about marriage. 3957 He fucked his wife's mother 3958 And sucked off her brother 3959And ate up her sister's miscarriage. 3960% 3961There was a young man from Bel-Aire 3962Who was screwing his girl on the stair. 3963 But the banister broke 3964 So he doubled his stroke 3965And finished her off in mid-air. 3966% 3967There was a young man from Bengal 3968Who claimed he had only one ball, 3969 But two little bitches 3970 Pulled down this man's breeches 3971And proved he had nothing at all. 3972% 3973There was a young man from Biloxi 3974Whose bowels responded to Moxie. 3975 Drinking glass after glass, 3976 He would tune up his ass, 3977Till he played like the band at the Roxy. 3978% 3979There was a young man from Bombay 3980Who fashioned a cunt out of clay 3981 But the heat of his prick 3982 Turned it into a brick 3983And rubbed all his foreskin away. 3984% 3985There was a young man from Boston 3986Who rode around in an Austin. 3987 There was room for his ass 3988 And a gallon of gas, 3989But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. 3990% 3991There was a young man from Calcutta 3992Who was heard in his beard to mutter, 3993 "If her Bartholin glands 3994 Don't respond to my hands, 3995I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." 3996% 3997There was a young man from Dallas 3998Who had an exceptional phallus. 3999 He couldn't find room 4000 In any girl's womb 4001Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. 4002% 4003There was a young man from Dundee 4004Who buggered an ape in a tree. 4005 The results were quite horrid: 4006 All ass and no forehead, 4007Three balls and a purple goatee. 4008% 4009There was a young man from East Lizes 4010Whose balls were of two different sizes 4011 One was so small 4012 It was no ball at all 4013The other was large and won prizes. 4014% 4015There was a young man from East Wubley 4016Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. 4017 Each quadruplicate shaft 4018 Had two balls hanging aft, 4019And the general effect was quite lovely. 4020 4021There was a young man from Hong Kong 4022Who had a trifurcated prong: 4023 A small one for sucking, 4024 A large one for fucking, 4025And a `boney' for beating a gong. 4026% 4027There was a young man from Glengozzle 4028Who found a remarkable fossil. 4029 He knew by the bend 4030 And the wart on the end, 4031'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. 4032% 4033There was a young man from Jodhpur 4034Who found he could easily cure 4035 His dread diabetes 4036 By eating a foetus 4037Served up in a sauce of manure. 4038% 4039There was a young man from Kent 4040Whose tool was so long that it bent. 4041 To save himself trouble 4042 He put it in double 4043And instead of coming, he went. 4044% 4045There was a young man from Lynn 4046Whose cock was the size of a pin. 4047 Said his girl with a laugh 4048 As she felt his staff, 4049"This won't be much of a sin." 4050% 4051There was a young man from Maine 4052Whose prick was as strong as a crane; 4053 It was almost as long, 4054 So he strolled with his dong 4055Extended in sunshine and rain. 4056% 4057There was a young man from Nantucket 4058Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4059 But he looked in the glass, 4060 And saw his own ass, 4061And broke his neck trying to fuck it. 4062% 4063There was a young man from Nantucket 4064Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4065 He said with a grin, 4066 While wiping his chin, 4067"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 4068% 4069There was a young man from New Haven 4070Who had an affair with a raven. 4071 He said with a grin 4072 As he wiped off his chin, 4073"Nevermore!" 4074% 4075There was a young man from Peru, 4076Who took a long trip by canoe. 4077 While staring at Venus, 4078 And rubbing his penis, 4079He wound up with a handful of goo. 4080% 4081There was a young man from Purdue 4082Who was only just learning to screw, 4083 But he hadn't the knack, 4084 And he got too far back -- 4085In the right church, but in the wrong pew. 4086% 4087There was a young man from Racine 4088Who invented a fucking machine. 4089 Concave or convex, 4090 It served either sex, 4091But oh what a bitch to keep clean. 4092% 4093There was a young man from Rangoon 4094Who used to lament 'neath the moon 4095 That he had the luck 4096 To be born of a fuck 4097That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. 4098% 4099There was a young man from Salinas 4100Who had an extremely long penis: 4101 Believe it or not, 4102 When he lay on his cot 4103It reached from Marin to Martinez. 4104% 4105There was a young man from Seattle 4106Whose testicles tended to rattle. 4107 He said as he fuck-ed 4108 Some stones in a bucket, 4109"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." 4110% 4111There was a young man from Siam 4112Who said, "I go in with a wham, 4113 But I soon lose my starch 4114 Like the mad month of March, 4115And the lion comes out like a lamb." 4116% 4117There was a young man from St. Paul's 4118Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" 4119 Till he grew such a passion 4120 For feminine fashion 4121That he knitted a snood for his balls. 4122% 4123There was a young man from Stamboul 4124Who boasted so torrid a tool 4125 That each female crater 4126 Explored by this satyr 4127Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. 4128% 4129There was a young man from Tibet- 4130And this is the strangest one yet- 4131 Whose tool was so long, 4132 So pointed and strong, 4133He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". 4134% 4135There was a young man in Havana, 4136Banged his girl on a player-piana. 4137 At the height of their fever 4138 Her ass hit the lever 4139And: yes, he has no banana. 4140% 4141There was a young man in Norway, 4142Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, 4143 But the air was so frigid 4144 It froze his cock rigid, 4145And all he could come was frappe. 4146% 4147There was a young man in the choir 4148Whose penis rose higher and higher, 4149 Till it reached such a height 4150 It was quite out of sight -- 4151But of course you know I'm a liar. 4152% 4153There was a young man, name of Fred, 4154Who spent every Thursday in bed; 4155 He lay with his feet 4156 Outside of the sheet, 4157And the pillows on top of his head. 4158 -- Edward Gorey 4159% 4160There was a young man, name of Saul, 4161Who was able to bounce either ball, 4162 He could stretch them and snap them, 4163 And juggle and clap them, 4164Which earned him the plaudits of all. 4165% 4166There was a young man named Crockett 4167Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4168 His wife was a bitch 4169 So she threw the switch, 4170And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4171% 4172There was a young man named Crockett 4173Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4174 His wife was a bitch, 4175 Yeah, she threw the switch, 4176And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4177% 4178There was a young man named Hughes 4179Who swore off all kinds of booze. 4180 He said, "When I'm muddled 4181 My senses get fuddled, 4182And I pass up too many screws." 4183% 4184There was a young man named Knute 4185Who had warts all over his root. 4186 He put acid on these 4187 And now when he pees, 4188He fingers the thing like a flute. 4189% 4190There was a young man named Laplace 4191Whose balls were made out of spun glass. 4192 When they banged together 4193 They played "Stormy Weather" 4194And lightning shot out of his ass. 4195% 4196There was a young man named McNamiter 4197With a tool of prodigious diameter. 4198 But it wasn't the size 4199 Gave the girls a surprise, 4200But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. 4201% 4202There was a young man named Rex 4203Who really was small for his sex. 4204 When tried for exposure 4205 The judge's disclosure 4206Was "de minimus non curat lex." 4207% 4208There was a young man named Zerubbabel 4209Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. 4210 When they asked if his pleasure 4211 Was only half measure, 4212He replied, "That is highly improbable." 4213% 4214There was a young man named Zerubbabub 4215Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club 4216 But the pride of his life 4217 Were the tits of his wife -- 4218One real, and one India-rubber bub. 4219% 4220There was a young man of Arras 4221Who stretched himself out on the grass, 4222 And with no little trouble, 4223 He bent himself double, 4224And stuck his prick well up his ass. 4225% 4226There was a young man of Australia 4227Who went on a wild bacchanalia. 4228 He buggered a frog, 4229 Two mice and a dog, 4230And a bishop in fullest regalia. 4231% 4232There was a young man of Belgrade 4233Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. 4234 I will suck, without charge, 4235 Any cock, if it's large. 4236If it's small, I expect to be paid." 4237% 4238There was a young man of Belgrade 4239Who slept with a girl in the trade. 4240 She said to him, "Jack, 4241 Try the hole in the back; 4242The front one is badly decayed." 4243% 4244There was a young man of Bengal 4245Who swore he had only one ball, 4246 But two little bitches 4247 Unbuttoned his britches, 4248And found he had no balls at all. 4249% 4250There was a young man of Bombay 4251Who buggered his dad once a day. 4252 He said, "I like, rather, 4253 Fucking my father -- 4254He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." 4255% 4256There was a young man of Calcutta, 4257Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. 4258 When he got to c-u, 4259 A pious Hindoo 4260Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. 4261% 4262There was a young man of Cape Horn 4263Who wished he had never been born, 4264 And he wouldn't have been 4265 If his father had seen 4266That the end of the rubber was torn. 4267% 4268There was a young man of Coblenz 4269Whose ballocks were simply immense: 4270 It took forty-four draymen, 4271 A priest and three laymen 4272To carry them thither and thence. 4273% 4274There was a young man of Darjeeling 4275Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. 4276 In the electric light socket, 4277 He'd put it and rock it-- 4278Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! 4279% 4280There was a young man of Devizes 4281Whose balls were of different sizes. 4282 His tool when at ease, 4283 Hung down to his knees, 4284Oh, what must it be when it rises! 4285% 4286There was a young man of Devizes, 4287Whose balls were of different sizes. 4288 One was so small, 4289 It was nothing at all; 4290The other took numerous prizes. 4291% 4292There was a young man of Dumfries 4293Who said to his girl, "If you please, 4294 It would give me great bliss 4295 If, while playing with this, 4296You would pay some attention to these!" 4297% 4298There was a young man of Greenwich 4299Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 4300 So long was his tool 4301 That it wound round a spool, 4302And he let it out inach by inach. 4303% 4304There was a young man of high station 4305Who was found by a pious relation 4306 Making love in a ditch 4307 To -- I won't say a bitch -- 4308But a woman of no reputation. 4309% 4310There was a young man of Khartoum, 4311The strength of whose balls was his doom. 4312 So strong was his shootin', 4313 The third law of Newton 4314Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. 4315% 4316There was a young man of Khartoum 4317Who lured a poor girl to her doom. 4318 He not only fucked her, 4319 But buggered and sucked her-- 4320And left her to pay for the room. 4321% 4322There was a young man of Kildare 4323Who was fucking a girl on the stair. 4324 The bannister broke, 4325 But he doubled his stroke 4326And finished her off in mid-air. 4327% 4328There was a young man of Kutki 4329Who could blink himself off with one eye. 4330 For a while though, he pined, 4331 When his organ declined 4332To function, because of a stye. 4333% 4334There was a young man of Lahore 4335Whose prick was one inch and no more. 4336 It was all right for key-holes 4337 And little girl's pee-holes, 4338But not worth a damn with a whore. 4339% 4340There was a young man of Lake Placid 4341Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. 4342 When he wanted to sport 4343 He would have to resort 4344To injections of sulphuric acid. 4345% 4346There was a young man of Madras 4347Whose balls were constructed of brass. 4348 When jangled together 4349 They played "Stormy Weather", 4350And lightning shot out of his ass. 4351% 4352There was a young man of Missouri 4353Who fucked with a terrible fury. 4354 Till hauled into court 4355 For his beastial sport, 4356And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. 4357% 4358There was a young man of Natal 4359And Sue was the name of his gal. 4360 One day, north of Aden, 4361 He got his hard rod in, 4362And came clear up Suez Canal. 4363% 4364There was a young man of Natal 4365Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. 4366 Said she, "You're a sluggard!" 4367 Said he, "You be buggered! 4368I like to fuck slow and I shall." 4369% 4370There was a young man of Ostend 4371Who let a girl play with his end. 4372 She took hold of Rover, 4373 And felt it all over, 4374And it did what she didn't intend. 4375% 4376There was a young man of Ostend 4377Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. 4378 "It's no use, my duck, 4379 Interrupting our fuck, 4380For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." 4381% 4382There was a young man of Saskatchewan, 4383Whose penis was truly gargantuan. 4384 It was good for large whores, 4385 And for small dinosaurs, 4386And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. 4387% 4388There was a young man of Seattle 4389Who bested a bull in a battle. 4390 With fire and gumption 4391 He assumed the bull's function, 4392And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. 4393% 4394There was a young man of St. John's 4395Who wanted to bugger the swans. 4396 But the loyal hall porter 4397 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 4398Those birds are reserved for the dons." 4399% 4400There was a young man of Tibet 4401-- And this is the strangest one yet -- 4402 His prick was so long, 4403 And so pointed and strong, 4404He could bugger six sheep en brochette. 4405% 4406There was a young man of Toulouse 4407Who had a deficient prepuce, 4408 But the foreskin he lacked 4409 He made up in his sac; 4410The result was, his balls were too loose. 4411% 4412There was a young man who appeared 4413To his friends with a full growth of beard; 4414 They at once said, "Although 4415 We can't say why it's so, 4416The effect is uncommonly weird." 4417 -- Edward Gorey 4418% 4419There was a young man who said "God, 4420I find it exceedingly odd, 4421 That the willow oak tree 4422 Continues to be, 4423When there's no one about in the Quad." 4424 4425"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 4426For I'm always about in the Quad; 4427 And that's why the tree, 4428 Continues to be," 4429Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 4430% 4431There was a young man with a fiddle 4432Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" 4433 She replied, "Yes, I do, 4434 But prefer to with two -- 4435It's twice as much fun in the middle." 4436% 4437There was a young man with a prick 4438Which into his wife he would stick 4439 Every morning and night 4440 If it stood up all right -- 4441Not a very remarkable trick. 4442 4443His wife had a nice little cunt: 4444It was hairy, and soft, and in front, 4445 And with this she would fuck him, 4446 Though sometimes she'd suck him -- 4447A charming, if commonplace, stunt. 4448% 4449There was a young man with one foot 4450Who had a very long root. 4451 If he used this peg 4452 As an extra leg 4453Is a question exceedingly moot. 4454% 4455There was a young miss from Johore 4456Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; 4457 In a manner uncanny 4458 She'd wobble her fanny, 4459And drain your nuts dry to the core. 4460% 4461There was a young monk from Siberia 4462Whose life got drearia' and drearia' 4463 Till he did to a nun 4464 What shouldn't be done 4465And made her a mother superia'. 4466% 4467There was a young monk from Tibet 4468And this is the damnedest one yet 4469 His cock was so long 4470 And incredibly strong 4471That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. 4472% 4473There was a young monk in Siberia, 4474Whose morals were very inferior, 4475 He jumped on a nun 4476 Which he shouldn't have done, 4477And now she's a Mother Superior. 4478% 4479There was a young monk of Dundee 4480Who complained that it hurt him to pee, 4481 He said, "Pax vobiscum, 4482 Now why won't the piss come? 4483I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." 4484% 4485There was a young parson of Harwich, 4486Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. 4487 She said, "No, you young goose, 4488 Just try self-abuse. 4489And the other we'll try after marriage." 4490% 4491There was a young peasant named Gorse 4492Who fell madly in love with his horse. 4493 Said his wife, "You rapscallion, 4494 That horse is a stallion -- 4495This constitutes grounds for divorce." 4496% 4497There was a young person of Kent 4498Who was famous wherever he went. 4499 All the way through a fuck, 4500 He would quack like a duck, 4501And he crowed like a cock when he spent. 4502% 4503There was a young physicist named Fisk 4504Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. 4505 So quick was his action, 4506 The Lorentz Contraction 4507Shortened his rod to a disc! 4508% 4509There was a young plumber named Lee 4510Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. 4511 She said, "Stop your plumbing, 4512 There's somebody coming" 4513Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." 4514% 4515There was a young poet named Dan, 4516Whose poetry never would scan. 4517 When told this was so, 4518 He said, "Yes, I know, 4519It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 4520% 4521There was a young royal marine, 4522Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". 4523 When he reached the soprano 4524 Out came only guano 4525And his britches weren't fit to be seen. 4526% 4527There was a young sailor from Brighton, 4528Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." 4529 She replied, "'Pon my soul, 4530 You're in the wrong hole; 4531There's plenty of room in the right one." 4532% 4533There was a young sapphic named Anna 4534Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, 4535 Which she sucked, bit by bit, 4536 From her partner's warm slit, 4537In the most approved lesbian manner. 4538% 4539There was a young Scot in Madrid 4540Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. 4541 When they said, "Are you faint?" 4542 He replied, "No, I ain't, 4543But I don't feel as good as I did." 4544% 4545There was a young soldier from Munich 4546Whose penis hung down past his tunic, 4547 And their chops girls would lick 4548 When they thought of his prick, 4549But alas! he was only a eunuch. 4550% 4551There was a young sportsman named Peel 4552Who went for a trip on his wheel; 4553 He pedalled for days 4554 Through crepuscular haze, 4555And returned feeling somewhat unreal. 4556 -- Edward Gorey 4557% 4558There was a young squaw of Wohunt 4559Who possessed a collapsible cunt. 4560 It had many odd uses, 4561 Produced no papooses, 4562And fitted both giant and runt. 4563% 4564There was a young student from Yale 4565Who was getting his first piece of tail. 4566 He shoved in his pole, 4567 But in the wrong hole, 4568And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" 4569% 4570There was a young trollop at Yale, 4571Who had verses tattooed on her tail, 4572 And on her behind, 4573 For the sake of the blind, 4574A duplicate version in Braille. 4575% 4576There was a young whore from Kaloo 4577Who filled her vagina with glue. 4578 She said with a grin, 4579 "If they pay to get in, 4580They can pay to get out again too!" 4581% 4582There was a young woman called Pearl 4583Who quite resembled a churl; 4584 When she asked a young man named Tex 4585 Whether he would like to have sex, 4586"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" 4587% 4588There was a young woman from Bude, 4589Who went for a swim in the nude, 4590 But a man in a punt, 4591 Grabbed at her elbow, 4592And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." 4593% 4594There was a young woman in Dee 4595Who stayed with each man she did see. 4596 When it came to a test 4597 She wished to be best, 4598And practice makes perfect, you see. 4599% 4600There was a young woman named Alice 4601Who peed in a Catholic chalice. 4602 She said, "I do this 4603 From a great need to piss, 4604And not from sectarian malice." 4605% 4606There was a young woman named Ells 4607Who was subject to curious spells 4608 When got up very oddly, 4609 She'd cry out things ungodly 4610by the palms in expensive hotels. 4611 -- Edward Gorey 4612% 4613There was a young woman named Florence 4614Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, 4615 But they found her in bed 4616 With her cunt flaming red, 4617And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. 4618% 4619There was a young woman named Plunnery 4620Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. 4621 Till one day unobservant, 4622 She blew up a servant, 4623And was forced to retire to a nunnery. 4624 -- Edward Gorey 4625% 4626There was a young woman named Sutton 4627Who said, as she carved up the mutton, 4628 "My father preferred 4629 The last sheep in the herd -- 4630This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." 4631% 4632There was a young woman of Cheadle, 4633Who once gave the clap to a beadle. 4634 Said she, "Does it itch?" 4635 "It does, you damned bitch, 4636And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." 4637% 4638There was a young woman of Condover 4639Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. 4640 Her pussy was juicy, 4641 Her arse soft and goosey, 4642But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. 4643% 4644There was a young woman of Croft 4645Who played with herself in a loft, 4646 Having reasoned that candles 4647 Could never cause scandals, 4648Besides which they did not go soft. 4649 4650Said another young woman of Croft, 4651Amusing herself in the loft, 4652 "A salami or wurst 4653 Is what I'd choose first -- 4654With bologna you know you've been boffed." 4655% 4656There was a young woman, quite handsome, 4657Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. 4658 When she offered much gold 4659 For release, she was told 4660That the view was worth more than the ransom. 4661% 4662There was a young woman whose stammer 4663Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; 4664 But they were not improved 4665 When her husband was moved 4666To knock out her teeth with a hammer. 4667 -- Edward Gorey 4668% 4669There was an old abbess quite shocked 4670To find nuns where the candles were locked. 4671 Said the abbess, "You nuns 4672 Should behave more like guns, 4673And never go off till you're cocked." 4674% 4675There was an old bishop from Buckingham 4676Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. 4677 His wife with distain 4678 Could scarcely restrain 4679That sprightly old bishop from * * *. 4680% 4681There was an old count of Swoboda 4682Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. 4683 So, with great savoir-faire, 4684 She stood on a chair 4685And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. 4686% 4687There was an old curate of Hestion 4688Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. 4689 But so small was his tool 4690 He could scarce screw a spool, 4691And a cunt was quite out of the question. 4692% 4693There was an old fellow named Art 4694Who awoke with a horrible start, 4695 For down by his rump 4696 Was a generous lump 4697Of what should have been just a fart. 4698% 4699There was an old fellow named Skinner 4700Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. 4701 But still, by and large, 4702 It would always discharge 4703Once he could just get it in her. 4704% 4705There was an old feminine blighter 4706Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. 4707 She would cream her own pool 4708 While she sucked off his tool -- 4709How his cock in her cunt would excite her! 4710% 4711There was an old gent from Kentuck 4712Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, 4713 But he put it away 4714 For fear that one day 4715He might put it in and get stuck. 4716% 4717There was an old girl of Kilkenny 4718Whose usual charge was a penny. 4719 For half of that sum 4720 You could finger her bum-- 4721A source of amusement to many. 4722% 4723There was an old harlot from Dijon 4724Who in her old age got religion. 4725 "When I'm dead & gone," 4726 Said she, "I'll take on 4727The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." 4728% 4729There was an old hermit named Dave 4730Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 4731 He said "I'll admit 4732 I'm a bit of a shit, 4733But look at the money I save." 4734% 4735There was an old lady of Bingly 4736Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. 4737 I thought I had got 4738 A bloke for my twat, 4739But he seems rather queenly than kingly." 4740% 4741There was an old lady of Glascow, 4742Whose party proved quite a fiasco. 4743 At nine-thirty, about, 4744 The lights all went out, 4745Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. 4746% 4747There was an old lady of Kewry 4748Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': 4749 The `introitus vaginae', 4750 Was unnaturally tiny, 4751And the thought of it filled her with fury. 4752% 4753There was an old lady who lay 4754With her legs wide apart in the hay, 4755 Then, calling the ploughman, 4756 She said, "Do it now, man! 4757Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." 4758% 4759There was an old maid from Cape Cod 4760Who thought all good things came from god. 4761 But it wasn't the almighty 4762 Who lifted her nighty, 4763It was Roger, the lodger, by god. 4764% 4765There was an old man from Bengal 4766Who liked to do tricks in the hall. 4767 His favorite trick 4768 Was to stand on his dick 4769While he rolled around on one ball. 4770% 4771There was an old man from Duluth 4772Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4773 He fucked with his nose 4774 Or his fingers and toes 4775And he came thru a hole in his tooth. 4776% 4777There was an old man from Fort Drum 4778Whose son was incredibly dumb. 4779 When he urged him ahead, 4780 He went down instead, 4781For he thought to succeed meant succumb. 4782% 4783There was an old man of Alsace 4784Who played the trombone with his ass. 4785 He put in a trap 4786 To take out the crap, 4787But the vapors corroded the brass. 4788% 4789There was an old man of Brienz 4790The length of whose cock was immense: 4791 With one swerve he could plug 4792 A boy's bottom in Zug, 4793And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. 4794% 4795There was an old man of Cajon 4796Who never could get a good bone. 4797 With the aid of a gland 4798 It grew simply grand; 4799Now his wife cannot leave it alone. 4800% 4801There was an old man of Calcutta 4802Who spied through a chink in the shutter. 4803 But all he could see 4804 Was his wife's bare knee, 4805And the back of the bloke who was up her. 4806% 4807There was an old man of Connaught 4808Whose prick was remarkably short. 4809 When he got into bed, 4810 The old woman said, 4811"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." 4812% 4813There was an old man of Duddee 4814Who came home as drunk as could be. 4815 He wound up the clock 4816 With the end of his cock, 4817And buggered his wife with the key. 4818% 4819There was an old man of Duluth 4820Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4821 He fucked with his nose 4822 And with fingers and toes, 4823And he came through a hole in his tooth. 4824% 4825There was an old man of Hong Kong 4826Who never did anything wrong. 4827 He would lie on his back 4828 With his head in a sack 4829And secretly finger his dong. 4830% 4831There was an old man of St. Bees, 4832Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4833 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4834 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4835I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4836% 4837There was an old man of St. Bees, 4838Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4839 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4840 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4841I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4842 -- W.S. Gilbert 4843% 4844There was an old man of Tagore 4845Whose tool was a yard long or more, 4846 So he wore the damn thing 4847 In a surgical sling 4848To keep it from wiping the floor. 4849% 4850There was an Old Man of the Mountain 4851Who frigged himself into a fountain 4852 Fifteen times had he spent, 4853 Still he wasn't content, 4854He simply got tired of the counting. 4855% 4856There was an old man of the port 4857Whose prick was remarkably short. 4858 When he got into bed, 4859 The old woman said, 4860"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4861% 4862There was an old man who said, "Tush! 4863My balls always hang in the brush, 4864 And I fumble about, 4865 Half in and half out, 4866With a pecker as limber as mush." 4867% 4868There was an old man with a beard 4869Who said, "It is just what I feared! 4870 Two owls and a hen, 4871 Four larks and a wren 4872Have all built their nests in my beard!" 4873% 4874There was an old person of Ware 4875Who had an affair with a bear. 4876 He explained, "I don't mind, 4877 For it's gentle and kind, 4878But I wish it had slightly less hair." 4879% 4880There was an old pirate named Bates 4881Who was learning to rhumba on skates 4882 He fell on his cutlass 4883 Which rendered him nutless 4884And practically useless on dates. 4885% 4886There was an old satyr named Mack 4887Whose prick had a left handed tack. 4888 If the ladies he loves 4889 Don't spin when he shoves, 4890Their cervixes frequently crack. 4891% 4892There was an old Scot named McTavish 4893Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. 4894 The object of rape 4895 Was the wrong sex of ape, 4896And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. 4897% 4898There was an old whore from Silesia 4899Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, 4900 For a slight extra sum 4901 You can go up my bum 4902But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." 4903% 4904There was an old whore in the Azores 4905Whose body was covered with festers & sores. 4906 Why the dogs in the street 4907 Wouldn't eat the green meat 4908That hung in festoons from her drawers. 4909% 4910There was an old woman of Ghent 4911Who swore that her cunt had no scent. 4912 She got fucked so often 4913 At last she got rotten, 4914And didn't she stink when she spent. 4915% 4916There was once a mechanic named Bench 4917Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. 4918 With this vibrant device 4919 He could reach, in a trice, 4920The innermost parts of a wench. 4921% 4922There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel 4923Who said, "They can all go to hell! 4924 What they do to my wife-- 4925 Why it ruins my life; 4926And the worst is, they all do it well. 4927% 4928There were three ladies of Huxham, 4929And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, 4930 And when that game grows stale 4931 We sits on a rail, 4932And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. 4933% 4934There were three young ladies of Birmingham, 4935And this is the scandal concerning 'em. 4936 They lifted the frock 4937 And tickled the cock 4938Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. 4939 4940Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, 4941He'd been to a good public school, 4942 So he took down their britches 4943 And buggered those bitches 4944With his ten-inch episcopal tool. 4945 4946Then up spoke a lady from Kew, 4947And said, as the Bishop withdrew, 4948 "The vicar is quicker 4949 And thicker and slicker, 4950And longer and stronger than you." 4951 -- Abuses of the Clergy 4952% 4953There's a charming young girl in Tobruk 4954Who refers to her quiff as a nook. 4955 It's deep and it's wide, 4956 -- You can curl up inside 4957With a nice easy chair and a book. 4958% 4959There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu 4960Who's often been screwed by yours truly, 4961 But now--it's appallin'-- 4962 My balls always fall in! 4963I fear that I've fucked her unduly. 4964% 4965There's a dowager near Sweden Landing 4966Whose manners are odd and demanding. 4967 It's one of her jests 4968 To suck off her guests -- 4969She hates to keep gentlemen standing. 4970% 4971There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock 4972Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, 4973 But her cunt's got a pucker 4974 That's best not to fuck, or 4975When least you expect it to, it'll lock. 4976% 4977There's a rather odd couple in Herts 4978Who are cousins (or so each asserts); 4979 Their sex is in doubt 4980 For they're never without 4981Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. 4982 -- Edward Gorey 4983% 4984There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, 4985Who's been coxing the varsity crew. 4986 In the shell Sue is great, 4987 But her boyfriend's irate, 4988When she calls out the stroke as they screw. 4989% 4990There's a tavern in London that's staffed, 4991By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: 4992 In her striving to please, 4993 She serves ale on her knees, 4994So the patrons get head with their draft. 4995% 4996There's a very hot babe at the Aggies 4997Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. 4998 The seniors go round 4999 Hanging down to the ground, 5000And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. 5001% 5002There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, 5003Since his shocking perversions are various... 5004 He will bugger some lad 5005 With a dildo (the cad!) 5006While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" 5007% 5008There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, 5009Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. 5010 When one pireg is shot, 5011 There's that alternate twat, 5012But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. 5013% 5014There's an oversexed lady named Whyte 5015Who insists on a dozen a night. 5016 A fellow named Cheddar 5017 Had the brashness to wed her- 5018His chance of survival is slight. 5019% 5020There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, 5021Exceedingly hard to get onto, 5022 But when you get there, 5023 And have parted the hair, 5024You can fuck her as much as you want to. 5025% 5026They had come in the fugue to the stretto 5027When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto 5028 Slipped forward and grabbed 5029 Her tresses and stabbed 5030Her to death with a rusty stiletto. 5031 -- Edward Gorey 5032% 5033Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, 5034Was to do what man normally does, 5035 She declared, "I'm a Soul- 5036 Not a sexual goal!" 5037So he shrugged and called someone who was. 5038% 5039Though most of the crewmen are whites, 5040Uhura has full equal rights. 5041 Her crewmates, you see, 5042 Love De-mo-cra-cy, 5043And the way that she fills out her tights. 5044% 5045Though the invalid Saint of Brac 5046Lay all of his life on his back, 5047 His wife got her share, 5048 And the pilgrims now stare 5049At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. 5050% 5051'Tis a custom in Castellamare 5052To fuck in the back of a lorry. 5053 The chassis and springs 5054 Are like woodwinds and strings 5055In the midst of a musical soiree. 5056% 5057To a weepy young woman in Thrums 5058Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes 5059 Of allowing your tears 5060 To fall into my ears - 5061I think they have rotted the drums." 5062 -- Edward Gorey 5063% 5064To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. 5065Their fertility was somewhat unstable. 5066 He constructed a bed 5067 Out of tree trunks and said, 5068"Even adders can multiply on a log table." 5069% 5070To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! 5071Your cunt is as big as a dish!" 5072 She replied, "Why, you fool, 5073 With your limp little tool 5074It's like driving a nail with a fish!" 5075% 5076To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : 5077"I trust you will show some forbearance. 5078 My sexual habits 5079 I picked up from rabbits, 5080And occasionally watching my parents." 5081% 5082To his bride said economist Fife : 5083"The semen you'll launch as my wife, 5084 We will salvage and freeze 5085 To resemble goat's cheese, 5086And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." 5087% 5088To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, 5089"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5090 Has the east tit the least bit 5091 The best of the west tit, 5092Or is it the faulty perspective?" 5093% 5094To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, 5095"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5096 Is your east tit the least bit 5097 The best of your west tit, 5098Or is it a trick of perspective?" 5099% 5100To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, 5101As he poured his post-prandial tipple, 5102 "Your mother's behaviour 5103 Gave pain to Our Saviour, 5104And that's why He made you a cripple." 5105 -- Edward Gorey 5106% 5107Two anglers were fishing off Wight 5108And his bobber was dipping all night. 5109 Murmured she, with a laugh, 5110 "It's ready to gaff, 5111But don't break your rod which is light." 5112 5113A couple was fishing near Clombe 5114When the maid began looking quite glum, 5115 And said, "Bother the fish! 5116 I'd rather coish!" 5117Which they did -- which was why they had come. 5118 5119As two consular clerks in Madras 5120Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, 5121 "What a marvelous pole," 5122 Said she, "but control 5123Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." 5124% 5125Two eager young men from Cawnpore 5126Once buggared and fucked the same whore. 5127 But her partition split 5128 And the blood and the shit 5129Rolled out in a mess on the floor. 5130% 5131Two roosters in one of our pens 5132Found their pricks were no larger than wens. 5133 As they looked at their foreskins 5134 And wished they had more skins, 5135They discovered they'd both become hens. 5136% 5137Under the spreading chestnut tree 5138The village smith he sat, 5139 Amusing himself 5140 By abusing himself 5141And catching the load in his hat. 5142% 5143Une joile epousetta a Tours 5144Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. 5145 Mais le mari disait, "Non! 5146 De trop n'est pas bon! 5147Mon derriere exige du secours!" 5148% 5149Visas erat: huic geminarum 5150Dispar modus testicularum: 5151 Minor haec nihili, 5152 Palma triplici, 5153Jam fecerat altera clarum. 5154% 5155We dedicate this to the cunt, 5156The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : 5157 All hail to the twat, 5158 Willing, thrilling, and hot, 5159That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! 5160% 5161When I was a baby, my penis 5162Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. 5163 But now 'this as red 5164 As her nipples instead-- 5165All because of the feminie genus! 5166% 5167When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, 5168Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, 5169 "Was he modest or vain?" 5170 "Was he regal or plain?" 5171She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" 5172% 5173When you fuck little Annie in Anza 5174You get a great bossom bonanza: 5175 Sucking Annie's soft tits 5176 Makes her throw fifty fits, 5177And the fuck is a sextravaganza! 5178% 5179While his duchess lay practically dead, 5180The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: 5181 "Can it be this is all? 5182 How puny! How small! 5183Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." 5184 -- Edward Gorey 5185% 5186While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 5187Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 5188 She explained, "They are flat, 5189 But think nothing of that -- 5190You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 5191% 5192While out on a date in his Fiat, 5193The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" 5194 As he bent down to seek, 5195 She let out a shriek: 5196"That's not where it's likely to be at." 5197% 5198While spending the winter at Pau 5199Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." 5200 So the head-porter made her 5201 And the second-cook laid her; 5202The waiters were all hanging low. 5203% 5204While Titian was mixing rose madder, 5205His model reclined on a ladder. 5206 Her position to Titian 5207 Suggested coition, 5208So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. 5209% 5210While travelling in farthest Tibet, 5211Lord Irongate found cause to regret 5212 The buttered-up tea, 5213 A pain in his knee, 5214And the frivolous tourists he met. 5215 -- Edward Gorey 5216% 5217Winter is here with his grouch, 5218The time when you sneeze and you slouch. 5219 You can't take your women 5220 Canoein' or swimmin', 5221But a lot can be done on a couch. 5222% 5223With his penis in turgid erection, 5224And aimed at woman's mid-section, 5225 Man looks most uncouth 5226 In that Moment of Truth, 5227But she sheathes it with loving affection. 5228% 5229You Women's Lib gals won't agree, 5230But dependent on men you must be: 5231 You'll need a him 5232 With a rod firm and trim, 5233To puggle your water-drains free! 5234% 5235Young Frederick the great was a beaut. 5236To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. 5237 If you'll come to my palace, 5238 I'll finger your phallus, 5239And then I shall blow on your flute." 5240% 5241You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, 5242Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : 5243 He buggers the choir 5244 As they sing "Ave Maria," 5245And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. 5246% 5247