limerick revision 141114
1%% $FreeBSD: head/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick 141114 2005-02-01 15:15:33Z ru $ 2A bad little girl in Madrid, 3A most reprehensible kid, 4 Told her Tante Louise 5 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 6And the worst of it was that it did! 7% 8A bather whose clothing was strewed 9By breezes that left her quite nude, 10 Saw a man come along 11 And, unless I am wrong, 12You expected this line to be lewd. 13% 14A bather whose clothing was strewed 15By breezes that left her quite nude, 16 Saw a man come along 17 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 18You expected this line to be lewd. 19% 20A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 21I am not I, I'm a tree." 22 But another, more sane, 23 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 24And covered his pants leg with pee. 25% 26A beautiful belle of Del Norte 27Is reckoned disdainful and haughty 28 Because during the day 29 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 30But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 31% 32A beautiful lady named Psyche 33Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 34 One thing about Ike 35 The lady can't like 36Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 37% 38A beetling young woman named Pridgets 39Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 40 Off the end of a wharf 41 She once pushed a dwarf 42Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 43 -- Edward Gorey 44% 45A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 46Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 47 When she swiveled about 48 Even strong men cried out, 49For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 50% 51A bobby of Nottingham Junction 52Whose organ had long ceased to function 53 Deceived his good wife 54 For the rest of her life 55With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 56% 57A broken-down harlot named Tupps 58Was heard to confess in her cups: 59 "The height of my folly 60 Was diddling a collie- 61But I got a nice price for the pups." 62% 63A broken-down harlot named Tupps 64Was heard to confess in her cups: 65 "The height of my folly 66 Was fucking a collie -- 67But I got a nice price for the pups." 68% 69A burlesque dancer, a pip 70Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 71 But she read science fiction 72 And died of constriction 73Attempting a Moebius strip. 74 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 75% 76A busy young lady named Gloria 77Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 78 And then by six men, 79 Sir Gerald again, 80And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 81% 82A cabin boy on an old clipper 83Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 84 He plugged up his ass 85 With fragments of glass 86And thus circumcised his old skipper. 87% 88A cautious young fellow named Lodge 89Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 90 When his date was strapped in, 91 He committed a sin, 92Without even leaving his grodge. 93% 94A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 95Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 96 With his date all strapped in 97 He committed a sin 98Without even leaving the garage. 99 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 100% 101A cautious young fellow named Tunney 102Had a whang that was worth any money. 103 When eased in half-way, 104 The girl's sigh made him say, 105"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 106% 107A certain young man, it was noted, 108Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 109 He said, "You may scoff, 110 But I shan't take it off; 111Underneath I am horribly bloated." 112 -- Edward Gorey 113% 114A certain young person of Ghent, 115Uncertain if lady or gent, 116 Shows his organs at large 117 For a small handling charge 118To assist him in paying the rent. 119% 120A certain young sheik of Algiers 121Said to his harem, "My dears, 122 Though you may think it odd of me, 123 I'm tired of just sodomy 124Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 125% 126A chap down in Oklahoma 127Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 128 But the sweetness of pitch 129 Couldn't put off the hitch 130Of impotence, size and aroma. 131% 132A charmer from old Amarillo, 133Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 134 Decided one day 135 That to keep men away 136She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 137% 138A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 139Had a pussy as large as a muff. 140 It had room for both hands 141 And some intimate glands, 142And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 143% 144A clerical student named Pryne 145Through pain sought to reach the divine: 146 He wore a hair shirt, 147 Quite often ate dirt, 148And bathed every Friday in brine. 149 -- Edward Gorey 150% 151A clever young man named Eugene 152Invented a jack-off machine. 153 On the twenty-third stroke 154 The fuckin' thing broke 155And beat both his balls to a creame. 156% 157A clever young man named Eugene 158Invented a jack-off machine. 159 On the twenty-third stroke 160 The goddam thing broke 161And beat both his balls to a creame. 162% 163A cocksucking steno named Beeman 164Remarked as she swallowed my semen : 165 "On my minuscule salary 166 I must watch every calorie, 167So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 168% 169A computer called Illiac4 170Had a rather tough bug in its core. 171 It chewed up its cards 172 And spewed yards and yards 173Of illegible tape on the floor. 174% 175A computer, to print out a fact, 176Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 177 But this output can be 178 No more than debris, 179If the input was short of exact. 180 -- Gigo 181% 182A contortionist hailing from Lynch 183Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 184 A foot cost a quid -- 185 He could and he did 186Stretch it to three in a pinch. 187% 188A corpulent maiden named Kroll 189Had a notion exceedingly droll: 190 At a masquerade ball, 191 Dressed in nothing at all, 192She backed in as a Parker House roll. 193% 194A couple was fishing near Clombe 195When the maid began looking quite glum, 196 And said, "Bother the fish! 197 I'd rather coish!" 198Which they did -- which was why they had come. 199% 200A cowhand way out in Seattle 201Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 202 He said, "No, I can't fuck 203 A lamb or a duck, 204But golly! it just fits the cattle." 205% 206A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 207And had an affair with a Saracen. 208 She was not oversexed, 209 Or jealous or vexed, 210She just wanted to make a comparison. 211% 212A CS student named Lin 213Had a prick the size of a pin 214 It was no good for girls 215 But just great for squirrels 216Who squealed with delight with it in. 217% 218A cute little twerp from Samoa 219Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 220 It was good for keyholes 221 And debutantes' peeholes 222But not worth a damn on a whoa. 223% 224A daredevil skater named Lowe, 225Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 226 But is proudest of doing, 227 Some incredible screwing, 228Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 229% 230A deep-throated virgin named Netty 231Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 232 She said, "It tastes nice, 233 Much better than rice, 234Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 235% 236A delighted, incredulous bride 237Remarked to her groom at her side : 238 "I never could quite 239 Believe till tonight 240Our anatomies would coincide." 241% 242A dentist, young doctor Malone, 243Got a charming girl patient alone, 244 And, in his depravity, 245 Filled the wrong cavity. 246God, how his practice has grown. 247% 248A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 249With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 250 Let his third-story front, 251 To a willing young cunt, 252Who supplied him a new lease on life! 253% 254A desperate spinster from Clare 255Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 256 And prayed to her God 257 For a romp on the sod-- 258'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 259% 260A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 261Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 262 As quick as a glance 263 He stripped off his pants, 264But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 265% 266A doctoral student from Buckingham 267Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 268 But a dropout from paree 269 Taught him Gamahuchee 270- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 271% 272A doctoral student from Buckingham 273Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 274 But a dropout from paree 275 Taught him Gamahuchee 276So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 277% 278A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 279Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 280 She blew her vagina 281 To South Carolina, 282And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 283 284A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 285Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 286 They found her vagina, 287 In South Carolina, 288And part of her ass in Brazil. 289% 290A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 291Whose overworked sex is all callous, 292 Wore the foreskin away 293 On uncircumcised Ray, 294Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 295% 296A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 297Wished to foster an aura of menace; 298 To make people afraid 299 He wore gloves of grey suede 300And white footgear intended for tennis. 301 -- Edward Gorey 302% 303A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 304Wished to foster an aura of menace. 305 To make people afraid 306 He wore gloves of grey suede 307And white footgear intended for tennis. 308 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" 309% 310A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, 311Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, 312 Had achieved some reknown 313 For her tone going down-- 314There's a nice civil tongue in her head. 315% 316A fair-haired young damsel named Grace 317Thought it very, very foolish to place 318 Her hand on your cock 319 When it turned hard as rock, 320For fear it would explode in your face. 321% 322A farmer I know named O'Doole 323Had a long and incredible tool. 324 He can use it to plow, 325 Or to diddle a cow, 326Or just as a cue-stick at pool. 327% 328A fellatrix's healthful condition 329Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. 330 Her remarkable diet 331 (I suggest that you try it) 332Was only her clients' emission. 333% 334A fellow whose surname was Hunt 335Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: 336 This versatile spout 337 Could be turned inside out, 338Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. 339% 340A fisherman off of Cape Cod 341Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" 342 But the high-minded fish 343 Resented his wish, 344And nimbly swam off with his rod. 345% 346A foolish geologist from Kissen 347Just didn't know what he was missin', 348 By studying rock 349 And neglecting his cock, 350And using it merely for pissin'. 351% 352A Frenchman who lived in Alsace 353Had sex with a virgin named Grace. 354 When he popped her cherry, 355 She made things hairy 356By bleeding all over his face. 357% 358A frustrated lady named Alice 359Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 360 They found her vagina 361 In North Carolina 362And bits of her tits were in Dallas. 363% 364A gay young prince from Morocco 365Made love in a manner rococco. 366 He painted his penis 367 To resemble a venus 368And flavored his semen with cocoa. 369% 370A geneticist living in Delft 371Scientifically played with himself, 372 And when he was done 373 He labled it: son, 374And filed him away on a shelf. 375% 376A geneticist living in Delft 377Scientifically played with himself, 378 And when he was done 379 He labled it: son, 380And filed him away on a shelf. 381A gentleman, otherwise meek, 382Detested with passion the leek; 383 When offered one out 384 He dealt such a clout 385To the maid, she was down for a week. 386 -- Edward Gorey 387% 388A gentleman, otherwise meek, 389Detested with passion the leek; 390 When offered one out 391 He dealt such a clout 392To the maid, she was down for a week. 393 -- Edward Gorey 394% 395A german composer named Bruckner 396Remarked to a lady while fuckener : 397 "Less lento, my dear, 398 With your cute little rear; 399I like a hot presto when muckener!" 400% 401A gift was delivered to Laura 402From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; 403 Wrapped in tissue and crepe, 404 It was peeled, like a grape, 405And emitted a pale, greenish aura. 406 -- Edward Gorey 407% 408A gifted young fellow from Sparta 409Was widely renowned as a farta'. 410 He could fart anything 411 From "Of Thee I Sing," 412To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." 413% 414A girl camper once had an affair 415With a fellow all covered with hair. 416 When she gave him his hat 417 She realized that 418She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 419% 420A girl of the Enterprise crew 421Refused every offer to screw. 422 But a Vulcan named Spock 423 Crawled under her smock, 424And now she is eating for two. 425% 426A girl of uncertain nativity 427Had an ass of extreme sensitivity 428 While she sat on the lap 429 Of a German or Jap, 430She could sense Fifth Column activity. 431% 432A graduate student named Zac 433Was said to be great in the sack. 434 An inch of his boner 435 Put girls in a coma 436And two gave them epileptic attacks. 437% 438A greedy young lady from Sidney 439Liked it in up to her kidney, 440 Till a man from Quebec 441 Shoved it up to her neck-- 442He really diddled her, didn' he? 443% 444A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds 445Once swallowed a package of seeds. 446 In a month, his ass 447 Was covered with grass 448And his balls were grown over with weeds. 449% 450A guest in a household quite charmless 451Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 452 "If you're caught unawares 453 At the head of the stairs, 454Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 455 -- Edward Gorey 456% 457A habit depraved and unsavory 458Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 459 Midst screeches and howls 460 He deflowered young owls 461Which he kept in an underground aviary 462% 463A habit obscene and bizarre, 464Has taken a-hold of papa. 465 He brings home young camels 466 And other odd mammals, 467And gives them a go at mama. 468% 469A habit obscene and unsavory, 470Holds a CS professor in slavery. 471 With maniacal howls, 472 He deflowers young owls, 473That he keeps in an underground aviary. 474% 475A hacker who screwed a mag tape 476Was caught and convicted of rape. 477 To jail he did go, 478 From which, to his woe 479He couldn't get out with ESC. 480% 481A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 482Made love to the drive of his disk. 483 The thing circumsized him, 484 Which rather suprised him. 485He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 486% 487A handsome young rodent named Gratian 488As a lifeguard became a sensation. 489 All the lady mice waved 490 And screamed to be saved 491By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. 492% 493A happy old hooker named Grace 494Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. 495 It was hard for beginners 496 To tell who were winners : 497There were cunt hairs all over the place. 498% 499A hardware debugger named Court 500Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. 501 But its buffer array 502 Only handled 1K, 503So the port's driver cut it off short. 504% 505A haughty young wench of Del Norte 506Would fuck only men over forty. 507 Said she, "It's too quick 508 With a young fellow's prick; 509I like it to last, and be warty." 510% 511A headstrong young woman in Ealing 512Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; 513 When quizzed why she did, 514 She replied, "To be rid 515Of a strange, overpowering feeling." 516 -- Edward Gorey 517% 518A hearty young fellow named Yost 519Once had an affair with a ghost. 520 At the height of the spasm 521 The poor ectoplasm 522Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." 523% 524A hearty young fellow named Yost 525Once had an affair with a ghost. 526 At the height of the spasm 527 The poor ectoplasm 528Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." 529% 530A hidebound young virgin named Carrie 531Would say, when the fellows got hairy : 532 "Keep your prick in your pants 533 Till the end of this dance--" 534Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. 535% 536A highly aesthetic young Jew 537Had eyes of a heavenly blue; 538 The end of his dillie 539 Was shaped like a lilly, 540And his balls were too utterly two! 541% 542A highway patrol buff named Claire, 543Once screwed half a troop on a dare, 544 And her parts grew so hot, 545 There was steam on her twat, 546So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! 547% 548A horny young fellow named Reg, 549Was jerking off under a hedge. 550 The gardener drew near 551 With a huge pruning shear, 552And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. 553% 554A huge-organed female in Dallas, 555Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, 556 Was virgo intacto, 557 Because, ipso facto, 558No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. 559% 560A joker who haunts Monticello 561Is really a terrible fellow. 562 In the midst of caresses 563 He fills ladies dresses 564With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. 565% 566A lacklustre lady of Brougham 567Weaveth all night at her loom. 568 Anon she doth blench 569 When her lord and his wench 570Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. 571% 572A lad, at his first copulation, 573Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, 574 Gyration, elation 575 Throughout the duration, 576I guess I'll give up masturbation." 577% 578A lad from far-off Transvaal 579Was lustful, but tactful withal. 580 He'd say, just for luck, 581 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" 582But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. 583% 584A lad of the brainier kind 585Had erogenous zones in his mind. 586 He got his sensations, 587 By solving equations, 588(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) 589% 590A lady born under a curse 591Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; 592 From the back she would wail 593 Through a thickness of veil: 594"Things do not get better, but worse." 595 -- Edward Gorey 596% 597A lady both callous and brash 598Met a man with a vast black moustache; 599 She cried, "Shave it, O do! 600 And I'll put it with glue 601On my hat as a sort of panache." 602 -- Edward Gorey 603% 604A lady from Kalamazoo 605Once found she had nothing to do, 606 So she sat on the stairs 607 And she counted her hairs: 6084,302. 609% 610A lady from Old Little Rock 611In fidelity took little stock, 612 And deserted her man 613 In the streets of Japan 614For a boy with a prehensile cock. 615% 616A lady removing her scanties, 617Heard them crackle electrical chanties. 618 Said her beau, "Have no fear, 619 For the reason is clear: 620You simply have amps in your panties. 621% 622A lady stockholder quite hetera 623Decided her fortune to bettera: 624 On the floor, quite unclad, 625 She successively had 626Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... 627% 628A lady was seized with intent 629To revise her existence misspent. 630 So she climbed up the dome 631 Of St. Peter's in Rome, 632Where she stayed through the following Lent. 633 -- Edward Gorey 634% 635A lady while dining at Crewe 636Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 637 Said the waiter, "Don't shout, 638 And don't wave it about, 639Or the others will all want one too." 640% 641A lady, while dining in Crewe, 642Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 643 Said the waiter, "Don't shout 644 Or wave it about 645Or the others will ask for one, too." 646% 647A lady who signs herself "Vexed" 648Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: 649 "I don't mind my shins 650 Being stuck full of pins, 651But I fear I am coming unsexed." 652 -- Edward Gorey 653% 654A lady with features cherubic 655Was famed for her area pubic. 656 When they asked her its size 657 She replied in surprise, 658"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" 659% 660A lass at the foot of her class 661Asked a brainier chick how to pass. 662 She replied, "With no fuss 663 You can get a B-plus, 664By letting the prof pat your ass." 665% 666A lecherous barkeep named Dale, 667After fucking his favorite female, 668 Mixed Drambuie and scotch 669 With the cream in her crotch 670For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. 671% 672A licentious old justice of Salem 673Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. 674 But instead of a fine 675 He would stand them in line, 676With his common-law tool to impale 'em. 677% 678A limerick packs laughs anatomical 679Into space that is quite economical. 680 But the good ones I've seen 681 So seldom are clean, 682And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 683% 684A linguist thought it a farce 685That memory space was so sparse. 686 One day they increased it. 687 Said he as he seized it: 688"At last! Enough core for the parse". 689% 690A lonely young lad of Eton 691Used always to sleep with the heat on, 692 Till he ran into a lass 693 Who showed him her ass -- 694Now they sleep with only a sheet on. 695% 696A lovely young diver named Nancy, 697Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, 698 The fish of Bonaire, 699 Watched her Derriere, 700And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. 701% 702A lovely young maid from St. Jude 703Once rode through the streets in the nude. 704 The police cried, "Whatam-- 705 Agnificent bottom" 706And slapped it as hard as they could. 707% 708A lovely young maid from St. Jude 709Once rode through the streets in the nude. 710 The police cried, "Whatam-- 711 Agnificent bottom" 712And slapped it as hard as they cude. 713% 714A lusty young maid from Seattle 715Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; 716 Till she found a bull 717 Who filled her so full 718It made both her ovaries rattle. 719% 720A lusty young woodsman of Maine 721For years with no woman had lain, 722 But he found sublimation 723 At a high elevation 724In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! 725% 726A madam who ran a bordello 727Put come in her pineapple jello, 728 For the rich, sexy taste 729 And not wanting to waste 730That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. 731% 732A maestro directing in Rome 733Had a quaint way of driving it home. 734 Whoever he climbed 735 Had to keep her tail timed 736To the beat of his old metronome. 737% 738A maiden who lived in Virginny 739Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. 740 The horsey set rushed her, 741 But success finally crushed her 742For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. 743% 744A maiden who travelled in France 745Once got on a train, just by chance. 746 The engineer fucked her, 747 The conductor sucked her, 748And the fireman came in his pants. 749% 750A maiden who wrote of big cities 751Some songs full of love, fun and pities, 752 Sold her stuff at the shop 753 Of a musical wop 754Who played with her soft little titties. 755% 756A man was once heard to boast, 757That he received a parcel by post, 758 It contained, so we heard, 759 A magnificent turd, 760And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. 761% 762A marine being sent to Hong Kong 763Got a doctor to alter his dong. 764 He sailed off with a tool 765 Flat and thin as a rule - 766When he got there he found he was wrong. 767% 768A mathematician named Hall 769Had a hexhedronical ball, 770 And the square of its weight 771 Times his pecker's, plus eight, 772Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. 773% 774A mathematician named Hall 775Has a hexahedronical ball, 776 And the cube of its weight 777 Times his pecker's, plus eight 778Is his phone number -- give him a call... 779% 780A mathematician named Klein 781Thought the Mobius band was divine. 782 Said he, "If you glue 783 The edges of two, 784You'll get a weird bottle like mine! 785% 786A middle-aged codger named Bruin 787Found his love life completely in ruin, 788 For he flirted with flirts 789 Wearing pants and no skirts, 790And he never got in for no screwin'. 791% 792A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, 793Who was lonely and wanted a futter. 794 She had nowhere to turn, 795 So she diddled a churn, 796And managed to come with the butter. 797% 798A mortician who practised in Fife 799Made love to the corpse of his wife. 800 "How could I know, Judge? 801 She was cold, did not budge-- 802Just the same as she'd acted in life." 803% 804A nasty old drunk in Carmel 805Thinks it funny to piss in the well. 806 He says, "Some don't favor 807 That unusual flavor, 808But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" 809% 810A nervous young fellow named Fred 811Took a charming young widow to bed. 812 When he'd diddled a while 813 She remarked with a smile, 814"You've got it all in but the head." 815% 816A new dramatist of the absurd 817Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 818 I learn from my spies 819 He's about to devise 820An unprintable three-letter word. 821% 822A newlywed couple from Goshen 823Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. 824 In twenty-eight days 825 They got laid eighty ways -- 826Imagine such fucking devotion! 827% 828A newly-wed man of Peru 829Found himself in a terrible stew: 830 His wife was in bed 831 Much deader than dead, 832And so he had no one to screw. 833% 834A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, 835In the pleasures of men was well-versed. 836 Reads the sign o'er the head 837 Of her well-rumpled bed 838"The customer always comes first." 839% 840A novice was told by the Abbot: 841"Consider the goat and the rabbit. 842 While they roll in the hay 843 You just stay home and pray. 844You've got to get out of that habit." 845% 846A nudist resort at Benares 847Took a midget in all unawares. 848 But he made members weep 849 For he just couldn't keep 850His nose out of private affairs. 851% 852A nurse motivated by spite 853Tied her infantine charge to a kite; 854 She launched it with ease 855 On the afternoon breeze, 856And watched till it flew out of sight. 857 -- Edward Gorey 858% 859A pansy who lived in Khartoum 860Took a lesbian up to his room. 861 They argued all night 862 Over who had the right 863To do what, with which, and to whom. 864% 865A passionate red-haired girl 866When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, 867 And her twat would get wet, 868 And would wiggle and fret, 869And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. 870% 871A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux 872Fell in love with a dashing young beau. 873 To arrest his regard 874 She would squat in his yard 875And longingly pee in the sneaux. 876% 877A petulant man once said, "Pish, 878Your cunt is as big as a dish." 879 She replied, "Why, you fool, 880 With your limp little tool, 881It's like driving a pin with a fish." 882% 883A physical fellow named Fisk 884Could screw at a rate very brisk. 885 So fast was his action 886 The Fitzgerald contraction 887Would shrink up his rod to a disk. 888% 889A pious old woman named Tweak 890Had taught her vagina to speak. 891 It was frequently liable 892 To quote from the Bible, 893But when fucking -- not even a squeak! 894% 895A pious young lady named Finnegan 896Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; 897 So time it aright, 898 Make it last through the night, 899For I certainly don't want to sin again!" 900% 901A pious young lady of Chichester 902Made all of the saints in their niches stir 903 And each morning at matin 904 Her breast in pink satin 905Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. 906% 907A playful young chemist named Byrd 908Had an urge that could not be deferred. 909 So to irritate Knox 910 He shit in his sox, 911And plastered the walls with his turd. 912% 913A plumber whose name was John Brink 914Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. 915 Her resistance was stout, 916 And John Brink petered out, 917With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. 918% 919A potter who lived in Bombay 920Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; 921 But the heat of his prick 922 Kilned the damn thing to brick 923And chafed all his foreskin away. 924% 925A pretty wife living in Tours 926Demanded her daily amour. 927 But the husband said, "No! 928 It's to much. Let it go! 929My backsides are dragging the floor." 930% 931A pretty young boy known as Kevin 932Was raped in a pasture by seven 933 Lascivious beasts 934 (Oh, those Anglican priests) 935And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. 936% 937A pretty young lady named Vogel 938Once sat herself down on a molehill. 939 A curious mole 940 Nosed into her hole -- 941Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 942% 943A pretty young lady named Vogel 944Once sat herself down on a molehill. 945 A curious mole 946 Nosed into her hole- 947Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 948% 949A pretty young lady named Vogel 950Once sat herself down on a molehill. 951 A curious mole 952 Nosed into her hole -- 953Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 954% 955A pretty young maiden from France 956Decided she'd "just take a chance." 957 She let herself go 958 For an hour or so, 959And now all her sisters are aunts. 960% 961A princess who lived near a bog 962Met a prince in the form of a frog. 963 Now she and her prince 964 Are the parents of quints, 965Four boys and one fine polliwog. 966% 967A princess who reigned in Baroda 968Made her home on a purple pagoda. 969 She festooned the walls 970 Of her halls with the balls 971And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. 972% 973A programmer down in Moline 974Said, I'm the match for any machine. 975 My secret's aversion, 976 To loops and recursion, 977Just acres of in-line routine. 978 -- W.J. Wilson 979% 980A progressive professor named Winners 981Held classes each evening for sinners. 982 They were graded and spaced 983 So the vile and debased 984Would not be held back by beginners. 985% 986A rapist who reeked of cheap booze 987Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. 988 She cried, "I suppose 989 There's no time for my clothes, 990But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" 991% 992A rapturous young fellatrix 993One day was at work on five pricks. 994 With an unholy cry 995 She whipped out her glass eye: 996"Tell the boys I can now take on six." 997% 998A reckless young lady of France 999Had no qualms about taking a chance, 1000 But she thought it was crude 1001 To get screwed in the nude, 1002So she always went home with damp pants. 1003% 1004A remarkable race are the Persians; 1005They have such peculiar diversions. 1006 They make love the whole day 1007 In the usual way 1008And save up the nights for perversions. 1009% 1010A remarkable race are the Persians, 1011They have such peculiar diversions. 1012 They screw the whole day 1013 In the regular way, 1014And save up the nights for perversions. 1015% 1016A responsive young girl from the East 1017In bed was an able artiste. 1018 She had learned two positions 1019 From family physicians, 1020And ten more from the old parish priest. 1021% 1022A romantic attraction has clung 1023To a chap of whom damsels have sung: 1024 "'Tis the Scourge from the East, 1025 That lascivious beast 1026Who was known as Attila the Hung!" 1027% 1028A sailor who slept in the sun, 1029Woke to find his fly buttons undone, 1030 He remarked with a smile, 1031 "Good grief, a sun-dial! 1032And now it's a quarter-past one." 1033% 1034A savvy young hooker named Gail 1035Got busted and lodged in the jail. 1036 But the jailer got hot, 1037 To be lodged in her twat, 1038And so Gail made the bail with her tail. 1039% 1040A scandal involving an oyster 1041Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister 1042 She preferred it, in bed, 1043 To the count (so she said) 1044'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. 1045% 1046A scream from the crypt of St. Giles 1047Resounded for miles upon miles. 1048 Said the friar, "Good gracious, 1049 The brother Ignatious 1050Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." 1051% 1052A seafaring hacker named Slatey 1053Went to bed with a VAX/780. 1054 The thing's learned to swear 1055 With a nautical air, 1056And refers to its users as "matey". 1057% 1058A sex-loving coed named Bree 1059Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. 1060 The joystick, she found, 1061 Had been fooling around 1062With a neighboring student's PC. 1063% 1064A silly young man from Hong Kong 1065Had hands that were skinny and long. 1066 He ate rice with his fingers-- 1067 The taste of it lingers, 1068But now all his fingers are gone. 1069% 1070A slick talking pirate named Bruce 1071To steal code, had a plan to seduce 1072 An Apple II+. 1073 Now Bruce wears a truss 1074And was jailed for computer abuse. 1075% 1076A software technician from Digital 1077Had hardware extremely prodigical. 1078 It's rumoured, I hear, 1079 That when he was near 1080He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. 1081% 1082A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, 1083Made love to a lovely girl sentry. 1084 She started to pout, 1085 Because it fell out, 1086But the mission was saved by re-entry. 1087% 1088A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, 1089His moment of sexual truth. 1090 He'd expected to fall 1091 On a womb's spongy wall 1092But was dashed to his death on a tooth. 1093% 1094A spinster in Kalamazoo 1095Once strolled after dark by the zoo. 1096 She was seized by the nape, 1097 And fucked by an ape, 1098And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." 1099 1100And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, 1101But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry 1102 A man with a prick 1103 Half as stiff and as thick 1104As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." 1105% 1106A spunky young schoolboy named Fred 1107Used totoss off each night while in bed. 1108 Said his mother, "Dear lad, 1109 That's exceedingly bad-- 1110Jump in here with your mamma instead." 1111% 1112A starship commander named Kirk 1113Emerged from his cabin berserk. 1114 He grabbed a girl yeoman 1115 Beneath the abdomen, 1116And gave her a physical jerk. 1117% 1118A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, 1119Was having a captive, a person 1120 Who was not averse 1121 Though she had the curse, 1122And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. 1123% 1124A structured programmer named Drew 1125Was intensely turned on by "goto". 1126 When he saw it in code 1127 He'd shoot off his load. 1128It's a good thing his shop used so few. 1129% 1130A studious professor named Nestor 1131Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. 1132 But she drained out his balls 1133 And skipped up the walls, 1134Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. 1135% 1136A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1137Went down on her beau in the garden. 1138 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1139 Don't swallow that mess " 1140And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1141% 1142A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1143Went down on her beau in the garden. 1144 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1145 Don't swallow that mess!" 1146And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1147% 1148A systems programmer named Sprotic 1149Found his software intensely erotic. 1150 In jealous distress 1151 He wiped his OS. 1152It's possible that he's psychotic. 1153% 1154A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, 1155Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. 1156 While the man detumesced 1157 She still spent on with zest, 1158Her rapture sheer anachronism. 1159% 1160A talented girl from Detroit 1161Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. 1162 She could squeeze her vagina 1163 To a pin-point or finer 1164Or open it out like a quoit. 1165% 1166A team playing baseball in Dallas 1167Called te umpire blind out of malice. 1168 While this worthy had fits 1169 The team made eight hits 1170And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1171% 1172A team playing baseball in Dallas 1173Called the umpire blind out of malice. 1174 While this worthy had fits 1175 The team made eight hits 1176And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1177% 1178A teenage protester named Lil 1179Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill 1180 First they bugged our martinis, 1181 Our bras and bikinis, 1182And now they are bugging the pill." 1183% 1184A thrice-married gal from L.A. 1185Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, 1186 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, 1187 The voyeur only gawked at it, 1188And my most recent man's a gourmet." 1189% 1190A tidy young lady of Streator 1191Dearly loved to nibble a peter. 1192 She always would say, 1193 "I prefer it this way. 1194I think it is very much neater." 1195% 1196A timid young woman named Jane 1197Found parties a terrible strain; 1198 With movements uncertain 1199 She'd hide in a curtain 1200And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. 1201 -- Edward Gorey 1202% 1203A tired young trollop of Nome 1204Was worn out from her toes to her dome. 1205 Eight miners came screwing, 1206 But she said, "Nothing doing; 1207One of you has to go home!" 1208% 1209A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 1210Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 1211 The result of this fuck 1212 Was a three titted duck, 1213A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 1214% 1215A tutor who tooted a flute 1216Tried to tutor two tutors to toot 1217 Said the two to the tutor: 1218 "Is it harder to toot or 1219To tutor two tutors to toot" 1220% 1221A vengeful technician named Schmitz 1222Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. 1223 He covered the platter 1224 With bats' fecal matter. 1225Now it's seek time is really the pits. 1226% 1227A very intelligent turtle 1228Found programming UNIX a hurdle 1229 The system, you see, 1230 Ran as slow as did he, 1231And that's not saying much for the turtle. 1232% 1233A very odd pair are the Pitts: 1234His balls are as large as her tits, 1235 Her tits are as large 1236 As an invasion barge-- 1237Neither knows how the other cohabits. 1238% 1239A wanton young lady from Wimley 1240Reproached for not acting quite primly 1241 Said, "Heavens above! 1242 I know sex isn't love, 1243But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 1244% 1245A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1246She used it for many a bunt. 1247 But the unlucky wench 1248 Got it caught in her trench --- 1249It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1250To get the thing out of her cunt. 1251% 1252A weary old lecher named Blott 1253Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. 1254 Too lazy to rape her, 1255 He made darts out of paper, 1256Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. 1257% 1258A whimsical fellow named Bloch 1259Could beat the base drum with his cock. 1260 With a special erection 1261 He could play a selection 1262From Johann Sebastian Bach. 1263% 1264A wicked stone cutter named Cary 1265Drilled holes in divine statuary. 1266 With eyes full of malice 1267 He pulled out his phallus, 1268And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. 1269% 1270A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket 1271Had a hole as big as a basket. 1272 A spot, as a bride, 1273 In it now, you could hide, 1274And include with your luggage your mascot. 1275% 1276A widow whose singular vice 1277Was to keep her late husband on ice 1278 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- 1279 I'll never defrost him! 1280Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." 1281% 1282A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1283His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1284 He can take in his beak 1285 Enough food for a week. 1286And I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1287% 1288A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1289His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1290 He can take in his beak 1291 Enough food for a week. 1292I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1293% 1294A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, 1295Renowned for the length of their peenies. 1296 The hair on their balls 1297 Sweeps the floors of their halls, 1298But they don't look at women, the meanies. 1299% 1300A wood-fetish busboy named Gable 1301Is rapid, is thorough, is able; 1302 But when everything's cleared, 1303 He gives way to the weird, 1304As he lovingly busses each table. 1305% 1306A worn-out young husband named Lehr 1307Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: 1308 "Slip on a sheath, quick, 1309 Then slip your big dick 1310Between these lips covered with hair." 1311% 1312A worried young man from Stamboul 1313Discovered red spots on his tool. 1314 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1315 "Get out of my clinic 1316Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." 1317% 1318A worried young man from Stamboul 1319Founds lots of red spots on his tool. 1320 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1321 "Get out of my clinic; 1322Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" 1323% 1324A young bride and groom of Australia 1325Remarked as they joined genitalia : 1326 "Though the system seems odd, 1327 We are thankful that God 1328Developed the genus Mammalia." 1329% 1330A young fellow discovered through Freud 1331That although of penis devoid, 1332 He could practice coitus 1333 By eating a foetus, 1334And his parents were quite overjoyed. 1335% 1336A young Juliet of St. Louis 1337On a balcony stood acting screwy. 1338 Her Romeo climbed, 1339 But he wasn't well timed, 1340And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! 1341% 1342A young lad named Lester McGraw 1343Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. 1344 As he watched him stick her 1345 He said, with a snicker, 1346"You do it much faster than Paw." 1347% 1348A young lady sat by the sea, 1349Just as proper as proper could be. 1350 A young fellow goosed her, 1351 And roughly seduced her, 1352So she thanked him and went home to tea. 1353% 1354A young lady who lived by the Usk 1355Subsisted each day on a rusk; 1356 She ate the first bite 1357 Before it was light, 1358And the last crumb sometime after dusk. 1359 -- Edward Gorey 1360% 1361A young lass got married at Chester; 1362Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. 1363 Said she, "You're in luck -- 1364 'E's a stunning good fuck, 1365For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." 1366% 1367A young maiden from France was no prude, 1368She decided to dive in the nude, 1369 But her buddy, behind, 1370 Went out of his mind, 1371When he noticed where she was tatooed. 1372% 1373A young man by a girl was desired 1374To give her the thrills she required, 1375 But he died of old age 1376 Ere his cock could assuage 1377The volcanic desire it inspired. 1378% 1379A young man from the banks of the Po 1380Found his cock had elongated so, 1381 That when he'd pee 1382 It was never he 1383But only his neighbors who'd know. 1384% 1385A young man grew increasingly peaky 1386In a house where the hinges were squeaky, 1387 The ferns curled up brown, 1388 The ceilings flaked down, 1389And all of the faucets were leaky. 1390 -- Edward Gorey 1391% 1392A young man maintained that his trigger 1393Was so big that there weren't any bigger. 1394 But this long and thick pud 1395 Was so heavy it could 1396Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. 1397% 1398A young man of acumen and daring, 1399Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, 1400 Was left quite alone 1401 When it soon became known 1402That their use at his board was unsparing. 1403 -- Edward Gorey 1404% 1405A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll 1406While bent over plucking a dingle 1407 Had the whole of Eisteddfod 1408 Taking turns at his pod 1409While they sang some impossible jingle. 1410% 1411A young man with passions quite gingery 1412Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. 1413 He slapped her behind 1414 And made up his mind 1415To add incest to insult and injury. 1416% 1417A young polo-player of Berkeley 1418Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. 1419 In the midst of each chukker 1420 He would break off and fuck her 1421Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. 1422% 1423A young systems programmer of Sprotic 1424Found his software intensely erotic. 1425 In jealous distress 1426 He wiped his OS. 1427It's possible that he's a psychotic. 1428% 1429A young violinist from Rio 1430Was seducing a woman named Cleo. 1431 As she took down her panties 1432 She said, "No andantes; 1433I want this allegro con brio!" 1434% 1435A young wife in the outskirts of Reims 1436Preferred frigging to going to mass. 1437 Said her husband, "Take Jacques, 1438 Or any young cock, 1439For I cannot live up to your ass." 1440% 1441A young woman got married at Chester, 1442Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. 1443 Says she, "You're in luck, 1444 He's a stunning good fuck, 1445For I've had him myself down in Leicester." 1446% 1447According to experts, the oyster 1448In its shell - a crustacean cloister - 1449 May frequently be 1450 Either he or a she 1451Or both, if it should be its choice ter. 1452% 1453Alas for the Countess d'Isere, 1454Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. 1455 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" 1456 When he parted her thighs; 1457"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." 1458% 1459All the female apes ran from King Kong 1460For his dong was unspeakably long. 1461 But a friendly giraffe 1462 Quaffed his yard and a half, 1463And ecstatically burst into song. 1464% 1465An aesthete from South Carolina 1466Had a cock that tickled like China, 1467 But while shooting his load 1468 It cracked like old Spode, 1469So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. 1470% 1471An agreeable girl named Miss Doves 1472Likes to jack off the young men she loves. 1473 She will use her bare fist 1474 If the fellows insist 1475But she really prefers to wear gloves. 1476% 1477An AI researcher named Bluth 1478Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, 1479 Eroticon VI, 1480 Which he taught certain tricks 1481Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. 1482% 1483An amazon giantess named Dunne 1484Let a midget screw her for fun. 1485 But the poor little runt 1486 Was engulfed in her cunt 1487And re-born as the twin of his son. 1488% 1489An ambitious lady named Harriet 1490Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot 1491 By seventeen sailors 1492 A monk and three tailors, 1493Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. 1494% 1495An anonymous woman we knew 1496Was dozing one day in her pew; 1497 When the preacher yelled "Sin!" 1498 She said, "Count me in 1499As soon as the service is through." 1500% 1501An architect fellow named Yoric 1502Could, when feeling euphoric, 1503 Display for selection 1504 Three kinds of erection- 1505Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 1506% 1507An architect fellow named Yoric 1508Could, when feeling euphoric, 1509 Display for selection 1510 Three kinds of erection- 1511Corinthian,ionic,and doric. 1512% 1513An ardent young man named Magruder 1514Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. 1515 She thought it quite lewd 1516 To be wooed in the nude, 1517But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. 1518% 1519An Argentine gaucho named Bruno 1520Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. 1521 Women are fine 1522 And sheep are divine 1523But llamas are numero uno." 1524% 1525An ARPAnaut name of Corvette 1526Had a fetish involving the net. 1527 As he fondled his IMP 1528 His cock went from limp 1529To as hard as concrete which has set. 1530% 1531An arrogant wench from Salt Lake 1532Liked to tease all the boys on the make. 1533 She was finally the prize 1534 Of a man twice her size 1535And all she recalls is the ache. 1536% 1537An artist who lived in Australia 1538Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1539 The drawing was fine, 1540 The colour - devine, 1541The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1542% 1543An artist who lived in Australia 1544Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1545 The drawing was fine, 1546 The colour - divine, 1547The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1548% 1549An eager young hacker named Gus 1550Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1551 The hardware went bad, 1552 But not the young lad 1553(Except for the toupee and truss). 1554% 1555An eager young hacker named Gus 1556Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1557 The hardware went bad, 1558 But not the young lad 1559He didn't expect all that fuss! 1560% 1561An Edwardian father named Udgeon, 1562Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, 1563 Used on Saturday nights 1564 To turn down the lights, 1565And chase them around with a bludgeon. 1566 -- Edward Gorey 1567% 1568An envious girl named McMeanus 1569Was jealous of her lover's big penis. 1570 It was small consolation 1571 That the rest of the nation 1572Of women were with her in weeness. 1573% 1574An exotic young lady named Suki 1575Once danced in a troupe of kabuki 1576 When asked for a fuck 1577 She said, "Solly, no luck-- 1578See here: looky looky, no nuki " 1579% 1580An impish young fellow named James 1581Had a passion for idiot games. 1582 He lighted the hair 1583 Of his lady's affair 1584And laughed as she pissed through the flames. 1585% 1586An impotent Scot named MacDougall 1587Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. 1588 He was gathering semen 1589 To gender a he-man, 1590By screwing his wife through a bugle. 1591% 1592An incautious young woman named Venn 1593Was seen with the wrong sort of men; 1594 She vanished one day, 1595 But the following May 1596Her legs were retrieved from a fen. 1597 -- Edward Gorey 1598% 1599An indefatigable woman named Bavel 1600Had often occasion to travel; 1601 On the way she would sit 1602 And furiously knit, 1603And on the way back she'd unravel. 1604 -- Edward Gorey 1605% 1606An ingenious young man in South Bend 1607Made a synthetic ass for a friend, 1608 But the friend shortly found 1609 Its construction unsound, 1610It was simply a bother -- no end. 1611% 1612An innocent maiden named Herridge 1613Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; 1614 When she later found out 1615 What her spouse was about, 1616She threw herself under a carriage. 1617 -- Edward Gorey 1618% 1619An inquisitive virgin named Dora 1620Asked the man who started to bore 'er : 1621 "Do you mean birds and bees 1622 Go through antics like these, 1623To suppy us our fauna and flora?" 1624% 1625An irate young lady named Booker 1626Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! 1627 If you want it queer ways, 1628 Go to whores for your lays!" 1629So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. 1630% 1631An octagenerian Jew 1632To his wife remained steadfastly true. 1633 This was not from compunction, 1634 But due to dysfunction 1635Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. 1636% 1637An old couple just at Shrovetide 1638Were having a piece -- when he died. 1639 The wife for a week 1640 Sat tight on his peak, 1641And bounced up and down as she cried. 1642% 1643An old electronic designer 1644Had designs on a minor named Dinah. 1645 He couldn't carry them out 1646 For his prick was too stout, 1647And too small was the minor's vagina. 1648% 1649An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings 1650Were a terrible trial to his siblings, 1651 But he was not removed 1652 Till one day it was proved 1653That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. 1654 -- Edward Gorey 1655% 1656An old maid who had a pet ape 1657Lived in fear of perpetual rape. 1658 His red, hairy phallus 1659 So filled her with malice 1660That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. 1661% 1662An old man at the Folies Bergere 1663Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: 1664 It snipped off a twat-curl 1665 From each new chorus girl, 1666And he had a wig made of the hair. 1667% 1668An organist playing in York 1669Had a prick that could hold a small fork, 1670 And between obbligatos 1671 He'd munch at tomatoes, 1672To keep up his strength while at work. 1673% 1674An orgasmic young sex star named Sue 1675Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. 1676 Her climatic fame spread 1677 With an ad blitz that said: 1678Coming soon at a theater near you! 1679% 1680An uptight young lady named Breerley 1681Who valued her morals too dearly 1682 Had sex, so I hear, 1683 Only once every year, 1684And she strained her vagina severely. 1685% 1686An earnest young woman in Thrace 1687Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" 1688 So he gave her a thwack, 1689 And did on her back, 1690What he couldn't have done face to face. 1691% 1692And then there's the story that's fraught 1693With disaster -- of balls that got caught, 1694 When a chap took a crap 1695 In the woods, and a trap 1696Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! 1697% 1698As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops 1699Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. 1700 Since he thinks it's effete 1701 To be beating his meat, 1702What he's into is licking his chops. 1703% 1704As he came in his chubby choirboy, 1705Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! 1706 If no sodomy levens 1707 And possible heavens, 1708Existence will merely annoy." 1709% 1710As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, 1711Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! 1712 I could not bear the loss, 1713 For with scarlet silk floss 1714My mama has embroidered their clocks." 1715 -- Edward Gorey 1716% 1717As tourists inspected the apse 1718An ominous series of raps 1719 Came from under the altar, 1720 Which caused some to falter 1721And others to shriek and collapse. 1722 -- Edward Gorey 1723% 1724Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, 1725"Do I sin if I do what I want, if 1726 I screw a young nun 1727 In the eastertide sun?" 1728His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." 1729% 1730At a contest for farting in Butte 1731One lady's exertion was cute : 1732 It won the diploma 1733 For fetid aroma, 1734And three judges were felled by the brute. 1735% 1736At a dance, a girl from Connecticut 1737Showed an absolute absence of etiquette 1738 Letting all comers press 1739 Through the skirt of her dress 1740And wiping the mess with her petticoat. 1741% 1742At the end of all civilization 1743Is the planet Terminus's location. 1744 There's a girl there whose feat, 1745 Without stone or concrete, 1746Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. 1747% 1748At the moment Japan declared war 1749A sailor was fucking a whore. 1750 He said, "After this poke 1751 `Long and hard' ain't no joke; 1752This means months 'til I get back ashore." 1753% 1754At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers 1755Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; 1756 It beats all night long 1757 A dirge on a gong 1758As it staggers about in the creepers. 1759 -- Edward Gorey 1760% 1761At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, 1762Though of love we are never penurious. 1763 Thanks to vulcanized aids, 1764 Though we may die old maids, 1765At least we shall never die curious. 1766% 1767At whist drives and strawberry teas 1768Fan would giggle and show off her knees; 1769 But when she was alone 1770 She'd drink eau de cologne, 1771And weep from a sense of unease. 1772 -- Edward Gorey 1773% 1774Augustus, for slpashing his soup, 1775Was put for the night on the stoop; 1776 In the morning he'd not 1777 Repented a jot, 1778And next day he was dead of the croup. 1779 -- Edward Gorey 1780% 1781Augustus, for splashing his soup, 1782Was put for the night on the stoop; 1783 In the morning he'd not 1784 Repented a jot, 1785And next day he was dead of the croup. 1786 -- Edward Gorey 1787% 1788Back in the days of old Adam 1789The grass served as mattress for madam, 1790 And they spent the whole day 1791 On the sex that today 1792They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. 1793% 1794Each Friday his engines abort, 1795But Scotty is never caught short. 1796 He fills his machines 1797 With space-navy beans, 1798And farts the ship back into port. 1799% 1800Each night Father fills me with dread 1801When he sits on the foot of my bed; 1802 I'd not mind that he speaks 1803 In gibbers and squeaks, 1804But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1805 -- Edward Gorey 1806% 1807Each night Father fills me with dread 1808When he sits on the foot ofmy bed; 1809 I'd not mind that he speaks 1810 In gibbers and squeaks, 1811But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1812 -- Edward Gorey 1813% 1814From deep in the crypt at St. Giles 1815Came a bellow that echoed for miles. 1816 Said the rector, "My gracious, 1817 Has Father Ignatius 1818Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" 1819% 1820From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, 1821There is really abominable news; 1822 They've discovered a head 1823 In the box for the bread, 1824But nobody seems to know whose. 1825 -- Edward Gorey 1826% 1827From the bathing machine came a din 1828As of jollification within; 1829 It was heard far and wide, 1830 And the incoming tide 1831Had a definite flavour of gin. 1832 -- Edward Gorey 1833% 1834"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" 1835Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. 1836 "Since dating Miss Baugh, 1837 My whole tongue has been raw-- 1838It must have been something I ate." 1839% 1840In the case of a lady named Frost, 1841Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, 1842 It's the best part of valor 1843 To bugger the gal, or 1844You're apt to fall in and get lost. 1845% 1846In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, 1847Complacently stroking his madam, 1848 And loud was his mirth 1849 For on all of the earth 1850There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. 1851% 1852In the garden of Eden lay Adam, 1853Complacently stroking his madam 1854 And loud was his mirth 1855 For on all of the earth 1856There were only two balls and he had'em. 1857% 1858In the little French town of Le'Beau, 1859Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. 1860 At a masquerade ball, 1861 Clad in nothing at all, 1862She backed in as a Parker house roll. 1863% 1864It always delights me at Hank's 1865To walk up the old river banks. 1866 One time in the grass 1867 I stepped on an ass, 1868And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." 1869% 1870It had snowed, and the man in the drift, 1871Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" 1872 They sat in her Bentley, 1873 She fondled him gently, 1874And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! 1875% 1876The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- 1877No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. 1878 Where ten thousand virgins 1879 Succumbed to his urgin's 1880There now stands the great State of Utah. 1881% 1882The latest reports from Good Hope 1883State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, 1884 And fuck high, wide, and free, 1885 From the top of one tree 1886To the top of the next -- what a scope! 1887% 1888The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, 1889Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. 1890 Once Congress in session, 1891 Declared its suppression, 1892But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. 1893% 1894The limerick is furtive and mean; 1895You must keep her in close quarantine, 1896 Or she sneaks to the slums 1897 And promptly becomes 1898Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1899 -- Morris Bishop 1900% 1901The old archeologist, Throstle, 1902Discovered a marvelous fossil. 1903 He knew from its bend 1904 And the knot on the end, 1905T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 1906% 1907There a young man from the Coast 1908Who had an affair with a ghost. 1909 At the height of orgasm 1910 Said the pallid phantasm, 1911"I think I can feel it -- almost!" 1912% 1913There once was a bishop from Birmingham 1914Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. 1915 As they knelt on the hassock 1916 He lifted his cassock 1917And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. 1918% 1919There once was a boy named Carruthers 1920Who was busily fucking his mother 1921 "I know it's a sin," 1922 He said, shoving it in, 1923"But it's better than blowing my brother." 1924% 1925There once was a chick named Longet, 1926Who went out to Aspen to play. 1927 Along came a Spyder, 1928 Who sat down beside her 1929And she blew the poor bastard away. 1930% 1931There once was a clergyman's daughter 1932Who detested the pony he bought her, 1933 Till she found that its dong 1934 Was as hard and as long 1935As the prayers her father had taught her. 1936 1937She married a fellow named Tony 1938Who soon found her fucking the pony. 1939 Said he, "What's it got, 1940 My dear, that I've not?" 1941Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." 1942% 1943There once was a couple named Kelley, 1944Who lived their life belly to belly. 1945 Because in their haste 1946 They used library paste, 1947Instead of petroleum jelly. 1948% 1949There once was a couple named Kelly 1950Who walked around belly-to-belly. 1951 It seems in their haste, 1952 They used Carter's paste 1953Instead of petroleum jelly. 1954% 1955There once was a dentist named Stone 1956Who saw all his patients alone. 1957 In a fit of depravity 1958 He filled the wrong cavity, 1959And my, how his practice has grown! 1960% 1961There once was a Duchess of Beever 1962Who slept with her golden retriever. 1963 Said the potted old Duke : 1964 "Such tricks make me puke! 1965Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." 1966% 1967There once was a Duchess of Bruges 1968Whose cunt was incredibly huge. 1969 Said the king to this dame 1970 As he thunderously came: 1971"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" 1972% 1973There once was a fag of Khartoom 1974Who spent the night in a Lesbians room. 1975 They argued all night, 1976 Over who had the right, 1977To do what, and with which, and to whom. 1978% 1979There once was a fairy named Avers 1980Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. 1981 Though buggers all claimed 1982 That their asses were maimed, 1983Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. 1984% 1985There once was a fellow named Bob 1986Who in sexual ways was a snob. 1987 One day he was swimmin' 1988 With twelve naked women 1989And deserted them all for a gob. 1990% 1991There once was a fellow named Brewster 1992Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, 1993 "It used to be grand 1994 But look at my hand 1995You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." 1996% 1997There once was a fellow named Howard, 1998Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, 1999 While grabbing some ass, 2000 He reached critical mass, 2001But think of the girl he deflowered! 2002% 2003There once was a fellow named Potts 2004Who was prone to having the trots 2005 But his humble abode 2006 Was without a commode 2007So his carpet was covered with spots. 2008% 2009There once was a fellow named Siegel 2010Who attempted to bugger a beagle, 2011 But the mettlesome bitch 2012 Turned and said with a twitch, 2013"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." 2014% 2015There once was a fellow named Sweeney 2016Who spilled gin all over his weenie. 2017 Not being uncouth, 2018 He added vermouth 2019And slipped his amour a martini. 2020% 2021There once was a fencer named Fisk, 2022Whose speed was incredibly brisk. 2023 So fast was his action, 2024 The Fitzgerald contraction, 2025Foreshortended his foil to a disk. 2026% 2027There once was a fiesty young terrier 2028Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 2029 He'd yip and he'd yap, 2030 Then leap up and snap; 2031And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 2032% 2033There once was a floozie named Annie 2034Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: 2035 A buck for a fuck, 2036 Fifty cents for a suck, 2037And a dime for a feel of her fanny. 2038% 2039There once was a freshman named Lin, 2040Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 2041 A virgin named Joan 2042 From a bible belt home, 2043Said "This won't be much of a sin." 2044% 2045There once was a gangster named Brown 2046- the sneakiest bastard in town. 2047 He was caught by G-men 2048 Shooting his semen 2049Where the cops would slip and fall down. 2050% 2051There once was a gaucho named Bruno, 2052Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, 2053 Sheep are just fine, 2054 Chickens, divine, 2055But iguanas are Numero Uno." 2056% 2057There once was a gay young Parisian 2058Who screwed an appendix incision, 2059 And the girl of his choice 2060 Could hardly rejoice 2061At the horrible lack of precision. 2062% 2063There once was a girl from Cornell 2064Whose teats were shaped like a bell. 2065 When you touched them they shrunk, 2066 Except when she was drunk, 2067And then they got bigger than hell. 2068% 2069There once was a girl from Decatur, 2070Who got laid by a big alligator. 2071 Now nobody knew 2072 The result of that screw, 2073'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. 2074% 2075There once was a girl from Madras 2076Who had such a beautiful ass - 2077 It was not round and pink 2078 ( as you bastards think ) 2079But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2080% 2081There once was a girl from Madras 2082Who had such a beautiful ass - 2083 It was not round and pink 2084 (As you bastards think) 2085But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2086% 2087There once was a girl from Spokane, 2088Went to bed with a one-legged man. 2089 She said, "I know you-- 2090 You've really got two! 2091Why didn't you say so when we began?" 2092% 2093There once was a girl named Irene 2094Who lived on distilled kerosene 2095 But she started absorbin' 2096 A new hydrocarbon 2097And since then has never benzene. 2098% 2099There once was a girl named Louise 2100Who cunt hair hung down to her knees 2101 The crabs in her twat 2102 Tied the hairs in a knot 2103And constructed a flying trapeze 2104% 2105There once was a girl named Mcgoffin 2106Who was diddled amazingly often. 2107 She was rogered by scores 2108 Who'd been turned down by whores, 2109And was finally screwed in her coffin. 2110% 2111There once was a girl named Priscilla 2112Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. 2113 The taste was so fine 2114 Man and beast stood in line 2115(Including a stud armadilla). 2116% 2117There once was a girl so lovely, 2118Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, 2119 She strapped on her tanks, 2120 And started her pranks, 2121But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. 2122% 2123There once was a golfer named Leer, 2124Who got put in the clink for a year, 2125 For an action obscene, 2126 On the very first green. 2127Where the sign said "Enter course here." 2128% 2129There once was a gouty old colonel 2130Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, 2131 And he cried in his tiffin 2132 For his prick wouldn't stiffen, 2133And the size of the thing was infernal. 2134% 2135There once was a guardsman from Buckingham 2136Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. 2137 But when I meet boys, 2138 God! how I enjoys 2139Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." 2140% 2141There once was a hacker named Ken 2142Who inherited truckloads of Yen. 2143 So he built him some chicks, 2144 Of silicon chips, 2145And hasn't been heard from since then. 2146% 2147There once was a handsome young seaman 2148Who with ladies was really a demon. 2149 In peace or in war, 2150 At sea or on shore, 2151He could certainly dish out the semen. 2152% 2153There once was a horny old bitch 2154With a motorized self-frigger which 2155 She would use with delight 2156 All day long and all night - 2157Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. 2158% 2159There once was a horse named Lily 2160Whose dingus was really a dilly. 2161 It was vaginoid duply, 2162 And labial quadruply -- 2163In fact, he was really a filly. 2164% 2165There once was a husky young Viking 2166Whose sexual prowess was striking. 2167 Every time he got hot 2168 He would scour the twat 2169Of some girl that might be to his liking. 2170% 2171There once was a jolly old bloke 2172Who picked up a girl for a poke. 2173 He took down her pants, 2174 Fucked her into a trance, 2175And then shit into her shoe for a joke. 2176% 2177There once was a kiddie named Carr 2178Caught a man on top of his mar. 2179 As he saw him stick 'er, 2180 He said with a snicker, 2181"You do it much faster than par." 2182% 2183There once was a lady from Exeter, 2184So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 2185 One was even so brave 2186 As to take out and wave 2187The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 2188% 2189There once was a lady from Kansas 2190Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. 2191 It was nine inches deep 2192 And the sides were quite steep -- 2193It had whiskers like General Carranza's. 2194% 2195There once was a lady named Carter, 2196Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. 2197 She stripped off his pants, 2198 At his prick quickly glanced, 2199And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" 2200% 2201There once was a lady named Clair, 2202Who posessed a magnificent pair. 2203 Or that's what I thought, 2204 Till I saw one get caught, 2205On a thorn and begin losing air. 2206% 2207There once was a lady named Myrtle 2208Who had an affair with a turtle. 2209 She had crabs, so they say, 2210 In a year and a day 2211Which proved that that turtle was fertile. 2212% 2213There once was a lawyer named Rex 2214With minuscule organs of sex. 2215 Arraigned for exposure, 2216 He maintained with composure, 2217"De minimis non curat lex." 2218 2219 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] 2220% 2221There once was a lifeguard named Lee 2222Who rescued a girl from the sea 2223 She asked how to pay, 2224 And he said "Try this way, 2225Go down for the third time on me." 2226% 2227There once was a maid from Mobile 2228Whose cunt was made of blue steel. 2229 She only got thrills 2230 From pneumatic drills 2231And an off-centered emery wheel. 2232% 2233There once was a man from Bombay 2234He would do it all night and all day 2235 He soon became sore 2236 You shoulda' heard him roar 2237When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! 2238% 2239There once was a man from Calcutta 2240Who used to beat off in the gutta 2241 The heat of the sun 2242 Affected his gun 2243And turned all his cream into butta! 2244% 2245There once was a man from Dunoon, 2246Who always ate soup with a fork. 2247 He said "When I eat 2248 Either fish, foul or flesh, 2249I otherwise finish too quick." 2250% 2251There once was a man from Exameter 2252Who had a prodigious diameter 2253 But it wasn't the size 2254 That brought forth the cries 2255'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. 2256% 2257There once was a man from Madras, 2258Whose balls were made out of brass. 2259 When they clanged together, 2260 They played "Stormy Weather", 2261And lightning shot out of his ass. 2262% 2263There once was a man from Nantee 2264Who buggered an ape in a tree. 2265 The results were most horrid 2266 All ass and no forehead 2267Three balls and a purple goatee. 2268% 2269There once was a man from Nantucket 2270Who kept all his cash in a bucket. 2271 His daughter, named Nan, 2272 Ran away with a man, 2273And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 2274 2275The pair of them went to Manhasset, 2276(Nan and the man with the asset.) 2277 Pa followed them there, 2278 But they left in a tear, 2279And as for the asset, Manhasset. 2280 2281Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, 2282(Nan and the man with the bucket.) 2283 Pa said to the man, 2284 "You're welcome to Nan." 2285But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. 2286% 2287There once was a man from Nantucket, 2288Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 2289 He said with a grin, 2290 As he wiped off his chin, 2291If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! 2292% 2293There once was a man from Nantucket 2294Whose dick was so long he could suck it. 2295 He said with a grin 2296 As he wiped off his chin, 2297"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 2298% 2299There once was a man from Racine, 2300Who invented a screwing machine. 2301 Both concave and convex, 2302 It could please either sex, 2303But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 2304% 2305There once was a man from Sandem 2306Who was making his girl on a tandem. 2307 At the peak of the make 2308 She jammed on the brake 2309And scattered his semen at random. 2310% 2311There once was a man from Sydney 2312Who could put it up to her kidney. 2313 But the man from Quebec 2314 Put it up to her neck; 2315He had a big one, now didn't he? 2316% 2317There once was a man named Lodge, 2318who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2319 When his date was strapped in, 2320 He committed a sin, 2321without ever leaving the garage. 2322% 2323There once was a man named McGruder, 2324Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. 2325 But the girl thought it crude, 2326 To be wooed in the nude, 2327So McGru took an oar and subduder. 2328% 2329There once was a man named McSweeny 2330Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney 2331 So just to be couth 2332 He added vermouth 2333And slipped his best girl a martini. 2334% 2335There once was a man named McSweeny 2336Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. 2337 Just to be couth, 2338 He added vermouth, 2339And slipped his girlfriend a martini. 2340% 2341There once was a man named Parridge 2342With peculiar views on marriage. 2343 He sucked off his brother, 2344 Fucked his own mother, 2345And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. 2346% 2347There once was a man with a hernia 2348Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, 2349 When you work on my middle 2350 Be sure you don't fiddle 2351With things that do not concern ya." 2352% 2353There once was a member of Mensa 2354Who was a most excellent fencer. 2355 The sword that he used 2356 Was his -- (line is refused, 2357And has now been removed by the censor). 2358% 2359There once was a miner named Dave, 2360Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 2361 She was ugly as shit, 2362 And missing one tit, 2363But think of the money he saves. 2364% 2365There once was a monk of Camyre 2366Who was seized with a carnal desire 2367 And the primary cause 2368 Was the abbess's drawers 2369Which were hung up to dry by the fire. 2370% 2371There once was a newspaper vendor, 2372A person of dubious gender. 2373 He would charge one-and-two 2374 For permission to view 2375His remarkable double pudenda. 2376% 2377There once was a plumber from Leigh 2378Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. 2379 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 2380 I think someone's coming!" 2381Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." 2382% 2383There once was a pretty young Mrs. 2384Whose tearful but short story thrs. 2385 Her mind lost its grasp - 2386 Now she thinks she's an asp 2387And just sits in the corner and hrs. 2388% 2389There once was a queen of Bulgaria 2390Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 2391 Till a prince from Peru 2392 Who came up for a screw 2393Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 2394% 2395There once was a reverend at Kings 2396Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. 2397 But his heart was on fire 2398 For a boy in the choir 2399Whose buns were like jelly on springs. 2400% 2401There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel 2402Who said, "They can all go to hell! 2403 What they do to my wife -- 2404 Why it ruins my life; 2405And the worst is they all do it well." 2406% 2407There once was a sailor named Gasted, 2408A swell guy, as long as he lasted, 2409 He could jerk himself off 2410 In a basket, aloft, 2411Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. 2412% 2413There once was a Scot named McAmeter 2414With a tool of prodigious diameter. 2415 It was not the size 2416 That cause such surprise; 2417'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 2418% 2419There once was a son-of-a-bitch, 2420Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, 2421 Yet the girls he would dazzle, 2422 And fuck to a frazzle, 2423And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! 2424% 2425There once was a spaceman named Spock 2426Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. 2427 A girl from Missouri 2428 Whose name was Uhura 2429Just fainted away from the shock. 2430% 2431There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, 2432Discovered his sex life was hapless: 2433 The more he would screw 2434 The more he'd want to, 2435And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. 2436% 2437There once was a Usenetter named Mark, 2438Whose gender was kept in the dark. 2439 He/she/it said with a nod, 2440 "My ancestors were odd!" 2441Did Noah need two for the ark? 2442% 2443There once was a whore from Regina 2444Who had a stupendous vagina. 2445 To save herself time, 2446 She had six at a time, 2447And another one working behind her. 2448% 2449There once was a woman from Arden 2450Who sucked off a man in a garden. 2451 He said, "My dear Flo, 2452 Where does all that stuff go?" 2453And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" 2454% 2455There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield 2456Engaged to look after the deacon's field, 2457 But he lurked in the ditches 2458 And diddled the bitches 2459Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. 2460% 2461There once was a young fellow named Blaine, 2462And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2463 She was ugly and smelly, 2464 With an awful pot-belly, 2465But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2466% 2467There once was a young girl from Natches 2468Who chanced to be born with two snatches 2469 She often said, "Shit! 2470 I'd give either tit 2471For a guy with equipment that matches." 2472% 2473There once was a young man from Boston 2474Who drove around town in an Austin, 2475 There was room for his ass, 2476 And a gallon of gas, 2477So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. 2478% 2479There once was a young man from France 2480Who waited ten years for his chance; 2481Then he muffed it... 2482% 2483There once was a young man from Yuma 2484Who attempted sex with a puma 2485 He gave up real quick 2486 Minus nose, toes, and prick 2487In obvious pain and ill huma. 2488% 2489There once was a young man from Yuma, 2490Who told an elephant joke to a puma. 2491 Now his dry bleached bones lie, 2492 Under hot Asian skies, 2493'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. 2494% 2495There once was a young man named Clyde 2496Who fell in an outhouse, and died. 2497 He had a twin brother 2498 Who fell in another 2499And now they're interred side by side. 2500% 2501There once was a young man named Gene, 2502Who invented a screwing machine. 2503 Concave and convex, 2504 It served either sex, 2505And it played with itself inbetween. 2506% 2507There once was a young man named Lancelot 2508Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot 2509 For when he should pass 2510 A desirable lass 2511The front of his pants would advance a lot. 2512% 2513There once was an Arpanet freak, 2514Who better response-time did seek. 2515 He searched coast to coast, 2516 For a reliable host, 2517Whose logger took less than a week. 2518% 2519There once was an old man from Esser, 2520Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 2521 It at last grew so small, 2522 He knew nothing at all, 2523And now he's a College Professor. 2524% 2525There once were two brothers named Luntz 2526Who buggered each other at once. 2527 When asked to account 2528 For this intricate mount, 2529They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." 2530% 2531There once were two women from Birmingham. 2532And this is the story concerning 'em. 2533 They lifted the frock 2534 And fondled the cock 2535Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. 2536% 2537There was a bluestocking in Florence 2538Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 2539 Till a Spanish grandee, 2540 Got her off with his knee, 2541And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 2542% 2543There was a family named Doe, 2544An ideal family to know. 2545 As father screwed mother, 2546 She said, "You're heavier than brother." 2547And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" 2548% 2549There was a fat lady of China 2550Who'd a really enormous vagina, 2551 And when she was dead 2552 They painted it red, 2553And used it for docking a liner. 2554% 2555There was a fat man from Rangoon 2556Whose prick was much like a ballon. 2557 He tried hard to ride her 2558 And when finally inside her 2559She thought she was pregnant too soon. 2560% 2561There was a gay countess of Bray, 2562And you may think it odd when I say, 2563 That in spite of high station, 2564 Rank and education, 2565She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2566% 2567There was a gay dog from Ontario 2568Who fancied himself a Lothario. 2569 At a wench's glance 2570 He'd snatch off his pants 2571And make for her Mons Venerio. 2572% 2573There was a gay parson of Norton 2574Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. 2575 To make up for this loss, 2576 He had balls like a horse, 2577And never spent less than a quartern. 2578% 2579There was a gay parson of Tooting 2580Whose roe he was frequently shooting, 2581 Till he married a lass 2582 With a face like my arse, 2583And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. 2584% 2585There was a girl from Aberystwyth 2586Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. 2587 The miller's son Jack 2588 Laid her flat on her back 2589And united the organs they pissed with. 2590% 2591There was a lewd fellow named Duff 2592Who loved to dive deep in the muff. 2593 With his head in a whirl 2594 He said, "Spread it, Pearl; 2595I cunt get enough of the stuff!" 2596% 2597There was a man from Mich. 2598Who used to wish and wich. 2599 That spring would come 2600 So he could bum 2601Around and go out fich. 2602% 2603There was a pianist named Liszt 2604Who played with one hand while he pissed, 2605 But as he grew older 2606 His technique grew bolder, 2607And in concert jacked off with his fist. 2608% 2609There was a poor parson from Goring, 2610Who made a small hole in his flooring, 2611 Fur-lined it all round, 2612 Then laid on the ground, 2613And declared it was cheaper than whoring. 2614% 2615There was a strong man of Drumrig 2616Who one day did seven times frig. 2617 He buggered three sailors, 2618 Four dogs and two tailors, 2619And ended by fucking a pig. 2620% 2621There was a teenager named Donna 2622Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." 2623 Two days out of three 2624 She would shoot LSD, 2625And on weekends she smoked marijuana. 2626% 2627There was a young belle of old Natchez 2628Whose garments were always in patchez. 2629 When comment arose 2630 On the state of her clothes 2631She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." 2632% 2633There was a young blade from South Greece 2634Whose bush did so greatly increase 2635 That before he could shack 2636 He must hunt needle in stack. 2637'Twas as bad as being obese. 2638% 2639There was a young bride, a Canuck, 2640Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. 2641 You say that I, maybe, 2642 Can have my first baby-- 2643Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" 2644% 2645There was a young bride of Antigua 2646Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" 2647 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! 2648 Why, you've only felt my twot, 2649My legs and my arse and my figua!" 2650% 2651There was a young chap in Arabia 2652Who courted a widow named Fabia. 2653 "Yes, my tongue is as long 2654 As the average man's dong," 2655He said, licking the lips of her labia. 2656% 2657There was a young cook with the art 2658Of making a delicious tart 2659 With a handful of shit, 2660 Some snot and some spit, 2661And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. 2662% 2663There was a young curate whose brain 2664Was deranged from the use of cocaine; 2665 He lured a small child 2666 To a copse dark and wild, 2667Where he beat it to death with his cane. 2668 -- Edward Gorey 2669% 2670There was a young damsel named Baker 2671Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. 2672 He yelled, "My God! what 2673 Do you call this -- a twat? 2674Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" 2675% 2676There was a young dolly named Molly 2677Who thought that to frig was a folly. 2678 Said she, "Your pee-pee 2679 Means nothing to me, 2680But I'll do it just to be jolly." 2681% 2682There was a young fellow called Clyde 2683Who fell in an outhouse and died. 2684 He had a twin brother 2685 Who fell in another 2686So now they're interred side by side. 2687% 2688There was a young fellow from Cal., 2689In bed with a passionate gal. 2690 He leapt from the bed, 2691 To the toilet he sped; 2692Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" 2693% 2694There was a young fellow from Florida 2695Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. 2696 When they got into bed 2697 He cried, "God strike me dead! 2698This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" 2699% 2700There was a young fellow from Kent 2701Whose cock was so long that it bent 2702 To save himself trouble 2703 He put it in double 2704And instead of coming, he went. 2705% 2706There was a young fellow from Leeds 2707Who swallowed a package of seeds. 2708 Great tufts of grass 2709 Sprouted out of his ass 2710And his balls were all covered with weeds. 2711% 2712There was a young fellow from Parma 2713Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. 2714 Said the damsel demure, 2715 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, 2716But I must say you fuck like a farmer." 2717% 2718There was a young fellow name Tucker 2719Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, 2720 Said, "Don't bow out your lips 2721 Like an elephant's hips, 2722The boys like it best when they pucker." 2723% 2724There was a young fellow named Ades 2725Whose favorite fruit was young maids. 2726 But sheep, nigger boys, whores, 2727 And the knot holes in doors 2728Were by no means exempt from his raids. 2729% 2730There was a young fellow named Babbitt 2731Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, 2732 But a girl from Johore 2733 Could do it twice more, 2734Which was just enough extra to crab it. 2735% 2736There was a young fellow named Bill, 2737Who took an atomic pill, 2738 His navel corroded, 2739 His asshole exploded, 2740And they found his nuts in Brazil. 2741% 2742There was a young fellow named Blaine, 2743And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2744 She was ugly and smelly 2745 With an awful pot-belly, 2746But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2747% 2748There was a young fellow named Bliss 2749Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 2750 For even with Venus 2751 His recalcitrant penis 2752Would never do better than t 2753 h 2754 i 2755 s 2756 . 2757% 2758There was a young fellow named Bowen 2759Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. 2760 It grew so tremendous, 2761 So long and so pendulous, 2762'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. 2763% 2764There was a young fellow named Brewer 2765Whose girl made her home in a sewer. 2766 Thus he, the poor soul, 2767 Could get into her hole, 2768And still not be able to screw her! 2769% 2770There was a young fellow named Case 2771Who entered a cunt-lapping race. 2772 He licked his way clean 2773 Through Number thirteen, 2774But then slipped and got pissed in the face. 2775% 2776There was a young fellow named Charteris 2777Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. 2778 Said she, "I don't mind, 2779 And higher up you'll find 2780The place where my fucker and farter is." 2781% 2782There was a young fellow named Cribbs 2783Whose cock was so big it had ribs. 2784 They were inches apart, 2785 And to suck it took art, 2786While to fuck it took forty-two trips. 2787% 2788There was a young fellow named dick 2789Who had a magnificent prick. 2790 It was shaped like a prism 2791 And shot so much gism 2792It made every cocksucker sick. 2793% 2794There was a young fellow named Feeney 2795Whose girl was a terrible meany. 2796 The hatch of her snatch 2797 Had a catch that would latch 2798- She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2799% 2800There was a young fellow named Fletcher, 2801Was reputed an infamous lecher. 2802 When he'd take on a whore 2803 She'd need a rebore, 2804And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. 2805% 2806There was a young fellow named Fyfe 2807Whose marriage was ruined for life, 2808 For he had an aversion 2809 To every perversion, 2810And only liked fucking his wife. 2811 2812Well, one year the poor woman struck, 2813And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, 2814 And said, "Where have you gotten us 2815 With your goddamn monotonous 2816Fuck after fuck after fuck? 2817 2818"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- 2819And a versatile girl she was, too. 2820 After ten years of whoredom 2821 She perished of boredom 2822When she married a jackass like you!" 2823% 2824There was a young fellow named Gene 2825Who first picked his asshole quite clean. 2826 He next picked his toes, 2827 And lastly his nose, 2828And he never did wash in between. 2829% 2830There was a young fellow named Gluck 2831Who found himself shit out of luck. 2832 Though he petted and wooed, 2833 When he tried to get screwed 2834He found virgins just don't give a fuck. 2835% 2836There was a young fellow named Goody 2837Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? 2838 If he found himself nude 2839 With a gal in the mood 2840The question's not woody but could he? 2841% 2842There was a young fellow named Grant 2843Who was made like the sensitive plant. 2844 When they asked "Do you fuck?" 2845 He replied, "No such luck. 2846I would if I could, but I can't." 2847% 2848There was a young fellow named Grimes 2849Who fucked his girl seventeen times 2850 In the course of a week -- 2851 And this isn't to speak 2852Of assorted venereal crimes. 2853% 2854There was a young fellow named Harry, 2855Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. 2856 He grabbed him a virgin, 2857 Who, without any urgin', 2858Immediately spread like a fairy. 2859% 2860There was a young fellow named Hatch 2861Who was fond of the music of Bach. 2862 He said: "It's not fussy 2863 Like Brahms and Debussy; 2864Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." 2865% 2866There was a young fellow named Kimble 2867Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, 2868 But fragile and slender, 2869 And dainty and tender, 2870So he kept it encased in a thimble. 2871% 2872There was a young fellow named Meek 2873Who invented a lingual technique. 2874 It drove women frantic, 2875 And made them romantic, 2876And wore all the hair off his cheek. 2877% 2878There was a young fellow named Morgan 2879Who possessed an unusual organ: 2880 The end of his dong, 2881 Which was nine inches long, 2882Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. 2883% 2884There was a young fellow named Paul 2885Who confessed, "I have only one ball. 2886 But the size of my prick 2887 Is God's dirtiest trick, 2888For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" 2889% 2890There was a young fellow named Pell 2891Who didn't like cunt very well. 2892 He would finger or fuck one, 2893 But never would suck one-- 2894He just couldn't get used to the smell. 2895% 2896There was a young fellow named Price 2897Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. 2898 He had virgins and boys 2899 And mechanical toys, 2900And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! 2901% 2902There was a young fellow named Prynne 2903Whose prick was so short and so thin, 2904 His wife found she needed 2905 A Fuckoscope -- she did -- 2906To see if he'd gotten it in. 2907% 2908There was a young fellow named Skinner 2909Who took a young lady to dinner 2910 At a quarter to nine, 2911 They sat down to dine, 2912At twenty to ten it was in her. 2913The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. 2914 2915There was a young fellow named Tupper 2916Who took a young lady to supper. 2917 At a quarter to nine, 2918 They sat down to dine, 2919And at twenty to ten it was up her. 2920Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! 2921% 2922There was a young fellow named Sweeney, 2923Whose girl was a terrible meanie, 2924 The hatch of her snatch, 2925 Had a catch that would latch, 2926She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2927% 2928There was a young fellow of Burma 2929Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. 2930 But now that he's married he's 2931 Been using cantharides 2932And the root of their love is much firmer. 2933% 2934There was a young fellow of Greenwich 2935Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 2936 He had such a tool 2937 It was wound on a spool, 2938And he reeled it out inich by inich. 2939 2940But this tale has an unhappy finich, 2941For due to the sand in the spinach 2942 His ballocks grew rough 2943 And wrecked his wife's muff, 2944And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. 2945% 2946There was a young fellow of Harrow 2947Whose john was the size of a marrow. 2948 He said to his tart, 2949 "How's this for a start? 2950My balls are outside in a barrow." 2951% 2952There was a young fellow of Kent 2953Whose prick was so long that it bent, 2954 So to save himself trouble 2955 He put it in double, 2956And instead of coming he went. 2957% 2958There was a young fellow of Mayence 2959Who fucked his own arse in defiance 2960 Not only of custom 2961 And morals, dad-bust him, 2962But of most of the known laws of science. 2963% 2964There was a young fellow of Perth 2965Whose balls were the finest on earth. 2966 They grew to such size 2967 That one won a prize, 2968And goodness knows what they were worth. 2969% 2970There was a young fellow of Strensall 2971Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. 2972 On the night of his wedding 2973 It went through the bedding, 2974And shattered the chamber utensil. 2975% 2976There was a young fellow of Warwick 2977Who had reason for feeling euphoric, 2978 For he could by election 2979 Have triune erection: 2980Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. 2981% 2982There was a young fellow whose dong 2983Was prodigiously massive and long. 2984 On each side of his whang 2985 Two testes did hang 2986That attracted a curious throng. 2987% 2988There was a young gaucho named Bruno 2989Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. 2990 A woman is fine, 2991 And a sheep is divine, 2992But a llama is Numero Uno." 2993% 2994There was a young gaucho named Bruno 2995Who said, "There is one thing I do know, 2996 Women are fine 2997 And children devine, 2998But the llama is numero uno." 2999% 3000There was a young German named Ringer 3001Who was screwing an opera singer. 3002 Said he with a grin, 3003 "Well, I've sure got it in!" 3004Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" 3005% 3006There was a young girl from Annista 3007Who dated a lecherous mister. 3008 He fondled her titty, 3009 Got one finger shitty, 3010Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. 3011% 3012There was a young girl from Decatur 3013Who was raped by an alligator. 3014 But no one quite knew 3015 How she relished that screw, 3016For after he screwed her, he ate her. 3017% 3018There was a young girl from Dundee, 3019From her fanny there grew a plum tree. 3020 No one ate the nice fruit, 3021 To tell you the truth, 3022Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. 3023% 3024There was a young girl from East Lynn 3025Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) 3026 Had filled up her crack 3027 With hard-setting shellac, 3028But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3029% 3030There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3031Who said, "You are utterly wrong 3032 To say my vagina 3033 Is the largest in China 3034Just because of your mean little dong." 3035% 3036There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3037Whose cervical cap was a gong. 3038 She said with a yell, 3039 As a shot rang her bell, 3040"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 3041% 3042There was a young girl from Medina 3043Who could completely control her vagina. 3044 She could twist it around 3045 Like the cunts that are found 3046In Japan, Manchukuo and China. 3047% 3048There was a young girl from New York 3049Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. 3050 A woodpecker or two 3051 Made the grade it is true, 3052But it totally baffled the stork. 3053 3054Till along came a man who presented 3055A tool that was strangely indented. 3056 With a dizzying twirl 3057 He punctured that girl, 3058And thus was the cork-screw invented. 3059% 3060There was a young girl from New York 3061Who plugged up her quim with a cork 3062 A woodpecker or two 3063 Made the grade, it is true, 3064But it totally baffled the stork. 3065% 3066There was a young girl from Peru, 3067Who had nothing whatever to do. 3068 So she sat on the stairs, 3069 And counted cunt hairs, 3070Four thousand, three hundred and two. 3071% 3072There was a young girl from Peru, 3073Who noticed her lovers were few; 3074 So she walked out her door 3075 With a fig leaf, no more, 3076And now she's in bed - with the flu. 3077% 3078There was a young girl from Samoa 3079Who pledged that no man would know her. 3080 One young fellow tried, 3081 But she wriggled aside, 3082And he spilled all his spermatozoa. 3083% 3084There was a young girl from Seattle, 3085Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. 3086 But a bull from the South 3087 Shot a wad in her mouth 3088That made both her ovaries rattle. 3089% 3090There was a young girl from Siam 3091Who said to her boyfriend Priam, 3092 "To seduce me, of course, 3093 You'll have to use force, 3094And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. 3095% 3096There was a young girl from St. Cyr 3097Whose reflex reactions were queer. 3098 Her escort said, "Mable, 3099 Get up off the table; 3100That money's to pay for the beer." 3101% 3102There was a young girl from St. Paul 3103Who went to a newspaper ball. 3104 Her dress caught on fire 3105 And burnt her entire 3106Front page and sport section and all. 3107% 3108There was a young girl from the Bronix 3109Who had a vagina of onyx. 3110 She had so much `tsoris' 3111 With her clitoris, 3112She traded it in for a Packard. 3113% 3114There was a young girl from the coast 3115Who, just when she needed it most, 3116 Lost her Kotex and bled 3117 All over the bed, 3118And the head and the beard of her host. 3119% 3120There was a young girl in Berlin 3121Who eked out a living through sin. 3122 She didn't mind fucking, 3123 But much preferred sucking, 3124And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. 3125% 3126There was a young girl in Berlin 3127Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. 3128 Though he diddled his best, 3129 And fucked her with zest, 3130She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" 3131% 3132There was a young girl in Dakota 3133Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: 3134 "In addition to gas 3135 We are rationing ass, 3136And you've greatly exceeded your quota." 3137% 3138There was a young girl name McKnight 3139Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. 3140 She came to in bed, 3141 With a split maidenhead-- 3142That's the last time she ever was tight. 3143% 3144There was a young girl named Ann Heuser 3145Who swore that no man could surprise her. 3146 But Pabst took a chance, 3147 Found a Schlitz in her pants, 3148And now she is sadder Budweiser. 3149% 3150There was a young girl named Heather 3151Whose twitcher was made out of leather. 3152 She made a queer noise, 3153 Which attracted the boys, 3154By flapping the edges together. 3155% 3156There was a young girl named McCall 3157Whose cunt was exceedingly small, 3158 But the size of her anus 3159 Was something quite heinous -- 3160It could hold seven pricks and one ball. 3161% 3162There was a young girl named O'Clare 3163Whose body was covered with hair. 3164 It was really quite fun 3165 To probe with one's gun, 3166For her quimmy might be anywhere. 3167% 3168There was a young girl named O'Malley 3169Who wanted to dance in the ballet. 3170 She got roars of applause 3171 When she kicked off her drawers, 3172But her hair and her bush didn't tally. 3173% 3174There was a young girl named Saphire 3175Who succumbed to her lovers desire. 3176 She said, "It's a sin, 3177 But now that it's in, 3178Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3179% 3180There was a young girl named Sapphire 3181Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 3182 She said, "It's a sin, 3183 But now that it's in, 3184Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3185% 3186There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3187Who screwed every man that she kissed with. 3188 She tickled the balls 3189 Of the men in the halls, 3190And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. 3191% 3192There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3193Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. 3194 The miller's sun, Jack, 3195 Laid her flat on her back, 3196And united the organs they pissed with. 3197% 3198There was a young girl of Angina 3199Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 3200 From the love-making frock 3201 (With the proper sized cock) 3202Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. 3203% 3204There was a young girl of Asturias 3205With a penchant for practices curious. 3206 She loved to bat rocks 3207 With her gentlemen's cocks -- 3208A practice both rude and injurious. 3209% 3210There was a young girl of Batonger 3211who diddled herself with a conger, 3212 When asked how it feels 3213 To be pleasured by eels 3214She said, "Just like a man, only longer. 3215% 3216There was a young girl of Cah'lina, 3217Had a very capricious vagina: 3218 To the shock of the fucker 3219 "Twould suddenly pucker, 3220And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." 3221% 3222There was a young girl of Cape Cod 3223Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. 3224 But it wasn't Jehovah 3225 That turned the girl over, 3226'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, 3227 the bugger, the bastard, the sod! 3228% 3229There was a young girl of Cape Town 3230Who usually fucked with a clown. 3231 He taught her the trick 3232 Of sucking his prick, 3233And when it went up -- she went down. 3234% 3235There was a young girl of Coxsaxie 3236Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. 3237 She was fucked at the show 3238 In the twenty-third row, 3239And once more going home in the taxi. 3240% 3241There was a young girl of Darjeeling 3242Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 3243 There was never a sound 3244 For miles around 3245Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 3246% 3247There was a young girl of Des Moines 3248Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, 3249 Till a guy from Hoboken 3250 Went and dropped in a token, 3251And now she rides free on the ferry. 3252% 3253There was a young girl of Detroit 3254Who at fucking was very adroit: 3255 She could squeeze her vagina 3256 To a pin-point, or finer, 3257Or open it out like a quoit. 3258 3259And she had a friend named Durand 3260Whose cock could contract or expand. 3261 He could diddle a midge 3262 Or the arch of a bridge -- 3263Their performance together was grand! 3264% 3265There was a young girl of East Lynne 3266Whose mother, to save her from sin, 3267 Had filled up her crack, 3268 To the brim with shellac, 3269But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3270% 3271There was a young girl of Gibraltar 3272Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. 3273 It really seems odd 3274 That a virtuous God 3275Should answer her prayers and assault her. 3276% 3277There was a young girl of LLewellyn 3278Whose breasts were as big as a melon. 3279 They were big it is true, 3280 But her cunt was big too, 3281Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view 3282Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. 3283% 3284There was a young girl of Mobile, 3285Who hymen was made of chilled steel, 3286 To give her a thrill, 3287 Took a rotary drill, 3288Or a number nine emery wheel. 3289% 3290There was a young girl of Moline 3291Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. 3292 She would work on a prick 3293 With every known trick, 3294And finish by winking it clean. 3295% 3296There was a young girl of Newcastle 3297Whose charms were declared universal. 3298 While one man in front 3299 Wired into her cunt, 3300Another was engaged at her arsehole. 3301% 3302There was a young girl of Pawtucket 3303Whose box was as big as a bucket. 3304 Her boy-friend said, "Toots, 3305 I'll have to wear boots, 3306For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." 3307% 3308There was a young girl of Penzance 3309Who boarded a bus in a trance. 3310 The passengers fucked her, 3311 Likewise the conductor, 3312While the driver shot off in his pants. 3313% 3314There was a young girl of Pitlochry 3315Who was had by a man in a rockery. 3316 She said, "Oh! You've come 3317 All over my bum; 3318This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." 3319% 3320There was a young girl of Rangoon 3321Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. 3322 "Well, it has been great fun," 3323 She remarked when he'd done, 3324"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." 3325% 3326There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, 3327Whose people all thought her a virgin, 3328 Till they found her in bed 3329 With her twat very red, 3330And the head of a kid just emergin'. 3331% 3332There was a young girl, very sweet, 3333Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. 3334 When she sat on their lap 3335 She unbuttoned their flap, 3336And always had plenty to eat. 3337% 3338There was a young girl who begat 3339Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. 3340 T'was fun in the breeding 3341 But hell in the feeding 3342When she found there's no tit for Tat. 3343% 3344There was a young girl who begat 3345Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. 3346 It was fun in the breeding, 3347 But hell in the feeding, 3348When she found there was no tit for Tat. 3349% 3350There was a young harlot from Kew 3351Who filled her vagina with glue. 3352 She said with a grin, 3353 "If they pay to get in, 3354They'll pay to get out of it too." 3355% 3356There was a young harlot named Schwartz 3357Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, 3358 And they tickled so nice 3359 She drew a high price 3360From the studs at the summer resorts. 3361 3362Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, 3363Was seldom hard up for a diddle, 3364 For according to rumor 3365 His tool had a tumor 3366And a fine row of warts down the middle. 3367% 3368There was a young hayseed from Tiffan 3369Whose cock would constantly stiffen. 3370 The knob out in front 3371 Attracted foul cunt 3372Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. 3373% 3374There was a young idler named Blood, 3375Made a fortune performing at stud, 3376 With a fifteen-inch peter, 3377 A double-beat metre, 3378And a load like the Biblical Flood. 3379% 3380There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway 3381Whose screams could be heard for a block away. 3382 Perceiving his error, 3383 The Rabbi in terror 3384Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" 3385% 3386There was a young lad - name of Durcan 3387Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3388 His father said, "Durcan 3389 Stop jerkin' your gherkin 3390Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3391% 3392There was a young lad from Nahant 3393Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. 3394 When asked, "Do you fuck?" 3395 He replied, "No such luck. 3396I would if I could but I can't." 3397% 3398There was a young lad from Siam, 3399Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. 3400 He loved them real small, 3401 'Cause they're funner to ball, 3402So he went out and bought him a lamb! 3403% 3404There was a young lad name of Durcan 3405Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3406 His father said, "Durcan! 3407 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 3408Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3409% 3410There was a young lad name of Ward 3411Who strung himself up with a cord 3412 Said he, of his work 3413 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) 3414"I am leaving because I am bored." 3415 - E.A. Guest 3416% 3417There was a young lad named McFee 3418Who was stung in the balls by a bee 3419 He made oodles of money 3420 By oozing pure honey 3421Every time he attempted to pee. 3422% 3423There was a young lady at sea 3424Who complained that it hurt her to pee. 3425 Said the brawny old mate, 3426 "That accounts for the state 3427Of the cook and the captain and me." 3428% 3429There was a young lady at sea 3430Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." 3431 "I see," said the mate, 3432 "That accounts for the state 3433Of the captain, the purser, and me." 3434% 3435There was a young lady called Ciss 3436Who went to the river to piss. 3437 A young man in a punt 3438 Put his hand on her cunt; 3439No wonder she thought it was bliss. 3440% 3441There was a young lady from Bangor 3442Who slept while the ship lay at anchor 3443 She woke in dismay 3444 When she heard the mate say: 3445"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" 3446% 3447There was a young lady from Bright, 3448Whose speed was much faster than light. 3449 She went out one day 3450 In a relative way 3451And returned on the previous night. 3452% 3453There was a young lady from Bristol 3454Who went to the Palace called Crystal. 3455 Said she, "It's all glass, 3456 And as round as my ass," 3457And she farted as loud as a pistol. 3458% 3459There was a young lady from Brussels 3460Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. 3461 She could easily plex them 3462 And so interflex them 3463As to whistle love songs through her bustles. 3464% 3465There was a young lady from Drew 3466Who ended her verse at line two. 3467% 3468There was a young lady from Dumfries 3469Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! 3470 My navel's all bare, 3471 So stick it in there, 3472Before both my legs and my bum freeze." 3473% 3474There was a young lady from Exeter, 3475So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 3476 One was even so brave 3477 As to take out and wave 3478The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 3479% 3480There was a young lady from Hyde 3481Who ate a green apple and died. 3482 While her lover lamented 3483 The apple fermented 3484And made cider inside her inside. 3485% 3486There was a young lady from Maine 3487Who claimed she had men on her brain. 3488 But you knew from the view, 3489 As her abdomen grew, 3490It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 3491% 3492There was a young lady from Munich 3493Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3494 At the height of their passion 3495 He dealt her a ration 3496% 3497There was a young lady from Munich 3498Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3499 At the height of their passion 3500 He dealt her a ration 3501From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. 3502% 3503There was a young lady from Norway 3504Who hung by her heels in a doorway. 3505 She told her young man, 3506 "Get off the divan, 3507I think I've discovered one more way " 3508% 3509There was a young lady from Prentice 3510Who had an affair with a dentist. 3511 To make things easier 3512 He used anesthesia, 3513And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. 3514% 3515There was a young lady from Rheims 3516Who amazingly pissed in four streams. 3517 A friend poked around 3518 And a fly-button found 3519Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. 3520% 3521There was a young lady from Rio 3522Who slept with the Fornier trio. 3523 As she dropped her panties 3524 She said, "No andanties 3525I want this allegro con brio." 3526% 3527There was a young lady from Siam 3528Who said to her lover, one Kiam, 3529 "You may kiss me of course, 3530 But you'll have to use force. 3531Though god knows you're stronger than I am." 3532% 3533There was a young lady from Spain 3534Who demurely undressed on a train. 3535 A helpful young porter 3536 Helped more than he orter, 3537And she promptly cried "Help me again" 3538% 3539There was a young lady from Spain 3540Who got sick as she rode on a train; 3541 Not once, but again, 3542 And again, and again, 3543And again, and again, and again. 3544% 3545There was a young lady from Spain 3546Whose face was exceedingly plain, 3547 But her cunt had a pucker 3548 That made the men fuck her, 3549Again, and again, and again. 3550% 3551There was a young lady from Troy 3552Had a moustache, just like a young boy 3553 Though it tickled to kiss 3554 'Twas a source of much bliss 3555When she used it to brush a man's toy. 3556% 3557There was a young lady from Wheeling 3558Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. 3559 But a cynic named Boris 3560 Just touched her clitoris 3561And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3562% 3563There was a young lady from Wheeling 3564Who had a peculiar feeling. 3565 She laid on her back 3566 And tickled her crack 3567And pissed all over the ceiling. 3568% 3569There was a young lady from Wooster 3570Who complained that too many men gooster. 3571 So she traded her scanties 3572 For sandpaper panties, 3573Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. 3574% 3575There was a young lady in Reno, 3576Who lost all her dough playing Keno. 3577 But she lay on her back, 3578 And opened her crack, 3579So now she owns the Casino! 3580% 3581There was a young lady named Alice 3582Who was known to have peed in a chalice. 3583 'Twas the common belief 3584 It was done for relief, 3585And not out of protestant malice. 3586% 3587There was a young lady named Astor 3588Who never let any get past her. 3589 She finally got plenty 3590 By stopping twenty, 3591Which certainly ought to last her. 3592% 3593There was a young lady named Banker, 3594Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, 3595 She woke in dismay, 3596 When she heard the mate say, 3597"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." 3598% 3599There was a young lady named Blount 3600Who had a rectangular cunt. 3601 She learned for diversion 3602 Posterior perversion, 3603Since no one could fit here in front. 3604% 3605There was a young lady named Bower 3606Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. 3607 But a poet from Perth 3608 Laid her flat on the earth, 3609And proceeded with penis to plough her. 3610% 3611There was a young lady named Brent 3612With a cunt of enormous extent, 3613 And so deep and so wide, 3614 The acoustics inside 3615Were so good you could hear when you spent. 3616% 3617There was a young lady named Bright 3618Who could travel much faster than light. 3619 She took off one day, 3620 In a relative way, 3621And returned on the previous night. 3622% 3623There was a young lady named Brook 3624Who never could learn how to cook. 3625 But on a divan 3626 She could please any man- 3627She knew every darn trick in the book! 3628% 3629There was a young lady named Cager 3630Who, as the result of a wager, 3631 Consented to fart 3632 The entire oboe part 3633Of Mozart's quartet in F major. 3634% 3635There was a young lady named Ciss 3636Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " 3637 But she'll never restate, 3638 For a wheel off her skate 3639.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM 3640% 3641There was a young lady named Clair 3642Who possessed a magnificent pair; 3643 At least so I thought 3644 Till I saw one get caught 3645On a thorn, and begin losing air. 3646% 3647There was a young lady named Dot 3648Whose cunt was so terribly hot 3649 That ten bishops of Rome 3650 And the Pope's private gnome 3651Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. 3652% 3653There was a young lady named Duff 3654With a lovely, luxuriant muff. 3655 In his haste to get in her 3656 One eager beginner 3657Lost both of his balls in the rough. 3658% 3659There was a young lady named Etta 3660Who was constantly seen in a swetta. 3661 Three reasons she had: 3662 To keep warm wasn't bad, 3663But the other two reasons were betta. 3664% 3665There was a young lady named Fleager 3666Who was terribly, terribly eager 3667 To be all the rage 3668 On the tragedy stage, 3669Though her talents were pitifully meagre. 3670 -- Edward Gorey 3671% 3672There was a young lady named Flo 3673Whose lover had pulled out too slow. 3674 So they tried it all night, 3675 Till he got it just right... 3676Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. 3677% 3678There was a young lady named Flynn 3679Who thought fornication a sin, 3680 But when she was tight 3681 It seemed quite all right, 3682So everyone filled her with gin. 3683% 3684There was a young lady named Gilda 3685Who went on a date with a builder. 3686 He said that he would, 3687 And he could and he should, 3688And he did and it damn well near killed her. 3689% 3690There was a young lady named Gloria 3691Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, 3692 And then by six men, 3693 Sir Gerald again, 3694And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 3695% 3696There was a young lady named Gloria, 3697Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" 3698 She replied to the chap, 3699 "I'll draw you a map, 3700Of where others have been to before ya." 3701% 3702There was a young lady named Grace 3703Who would not take a prick in her "place." 3704 Though she'd kiss it and suck it, 3705 She never would fuck it-- 3706She just couldn't relax face-to-face. 3707% 3708There was a young lady named Hall, 3709Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 3710 The dress caught on fire 3711 And burned her entire 3712Front page, sporting section, and all. 3713% 3714There was a young lady named Hatch 3715Who would always come through in a scratch. 3716 If a guy wouldn't neck her, 3717 She'd grab up his pecker 3718And shove the damn thing up her snatch. 3719% 3720There was a young lady named Mable 3721Who liked to sprawl out on the table, 3722 Then cry to her man, 3723 "Stuff in all you can -- 3724Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." 3725% 3726There was a young lady named Mandel 3727Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal 3728 By coming out bare 3729 On the main village square 3730And frigging herself with a candle. 3731% 3732There was a young lady named Maud, 3733A terrible society fraud: 3734 In company, I'm told, 3735 She was distant and cold, 3736But if you got her alone, Oh God! 3737% 3738There was a young lady named May 3739Who strolled in a park by the way, 3740 And she met a youg man 3741 Who fucked her and ran -- 3742Now she goes to the park every day. 3743% 3744There was a young lady named Nance 3745Who learned about fucking in France, 3746 And when you'd insert it 3747 She'd squeeze till she hurt it, 3748And shoved it right back in your pants. 3749% 3750There was a young lady named Nelly 3751Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. 3752 They could tickle her twat 3753 Or be tied in a knot, 3754And could even swat flies on her belly. 3755% 3756There was a young lady named Ransom 3757Who was raped three times in a hansom 3758 When she cried out for more 3759 Said a voice from the floor, 3760"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson 3761% 3762There was a young lady named Ransom 3763Who was rogered three times in a hansom. 3764 When she cried out for more 3765 A voice from the floor 3766Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." 3767% 3768There was a young lady named Riddle 3769Who had an untouchable middle. 3770 She had many friends 3771 Because of her ends, 3772Since it isn't the middle you diddle. 3773% 3774There was a young lady named Rose 3775Who fainted whenever she chose; 3776 She did so one day 3777 While playing croquet, 3778But was quickly revived with a hose. 3779 -- Edward Gorey 3780% 3781There was a young lady named Rose 3782With erogenous zones in her toes. 3783 She remained onanistic 3784 Till a foot-fetishistic 3785Young man became one of her beaux. 3786% 3787There was a young lady named Schneider 3788Who often kept trysts with a spider. 3789 She found a strange bliss, 3790 In the hiss of her piss, 3791As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. 3792% 3793There was a young lady named Smith 3794Whose virtue was largely a myth. 3795 She said, "Try as I can 3796 I can't find a man 3797Who it's fun to be virtuous with." 3798% 3799There was a young lady named Twiss 3800Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 3801 For it tickled her bum 3802 And caused her to come 3803.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 3804% 3805There was a young lady named Wylde 3806Who kept herself quite undefiled 3807 By thinking of Jesus; 3808 Contagious diseases; 3809And the bother of having a child. 3810% 3811There was a young lady of Arden, 3812The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. 3813 Said she with a frown, 3814 "I've been sadly let down 3815By the tool of a fool in a garden." 3816% 3817There was a young lady of Bicester 3818Who was nicer by far than her sister: 3819 The sister would giggle 3820 And wiggle and jiggle, 3821But this one would come if you kissed her. 3822% 3823There was a young lady of Brabant 3824Who slept with an impotent savant. 3825 She admitted, "We shouldn't, 3826 But it turned out he couldn't- 3827So you can't say we have when we haven't." 3828% 3829There was a young lady of Bude 3830Who walked down the street in the nude. 3831 A bobby said, "Whattum 3832 Magnificent bottom!" 3833And slapped it as hard as he could. 3834% 3835There was a young lady of Carmia 3836Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. 3837 At every cold snap 3838 She would climb in your lab, 3839So her little base burner could warm ya. 3840% 3841There was a young lady of Dee 3842Who went down to the river to pee. 3843 A man in a punt 3844 Put his hand on her cunt, 3845And God! how I wish it were me. 3846% 3847There was a young lady of Dee 3848Whose hymen was split into three. 3849 And when she was diddled 3850 The middle string fiddled : 3851"Nearer My God To Thee." 3852% 3853There was a young lady of Dexter 3854Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, 3855 For whenever they'd start 3856 He'd unfailingly fart 3857With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. 3858% 3859There was a young lady of Dover 3860Whose passion was such that it drove her 3861 To cry, when you came, 3862 "Oh dear! What a shame! 3863Well, now we shall have to start over." 3864% 3865There was a young lady of Ealing 3866And her lover before her was kneeling. 3867 Said she, "Dearest Jim, 3868 Take your hands off my quim; 3869I much prefer fucking to feeling." 3870% 3871There was a young lady of fashion 3872Who had oodles and oodles of passion. 3873 To her lover she said, 3874 As they climbed into bed, 3875"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" 3876% 3877There was a young lady of Fez 3878Who was known to the public as "Jez." 3879 Jezebel was her name, 3880 Sucking cocks was the game 3881She excelled at (so everyone says). 3882% 3883There was a young lady of Gaza 3884Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3885 The crabs, in a lump, 3886 Made tracks to her rump - 3887This passing parade did amaze her. 3888% 3889There was a young lady of Gaza 3890Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3891 The crabs, in a lump, 3892 Made tracks to her rump-- 3893This passing parade did amaze her. 3894% 3895There was a young lady of Gloucester, 3896Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. 3897 She wasn't much hurt, 3898 But he dirtied her skirt, 3899So think of the anguish it cost her. 3900% 3901There was a young lady of Gloucester 3902Whose friends they thought they had lost her 3903 Till they found on the grass 3904 The marks of her arse, 3905And the knees of the man who had crossed her. 3906% 3907There was a young lady of Kent, 3908Who admitted she knew what it meant 3909 When men asked her to dine, 3910 And plied her with wine, 3911She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! 3912% 3913There was a young lady of Lee 3914Who scrambled up into a tree, 3915 When she got there 3916 Her arsehole was bare, 3917And so was her C U N T. 3918% 3919There was a young lady of Lincoln 3920Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, 3921 So she had a prick lent her 3922 Which turned it magenta, 3923This artful old lady of Lincoln. 3924% 3925There was a young lady of Natchez 3926Who chanced to be born with two snatches, 3927 And she often said, "Shit! 3928 Why, I'd give either tit 3929For a man with equipment that matches." 3930 3931There was a young fellow named Locke 3932Who was born with a two-headed cock. 3933 When he'd fondle the thing 3934 It would rise up and sing 3935An antiphonal chorus by Bach. 3936 3937But whether these two ever met 3938Has not been recorded as yet, 3939 Still, it would be diverting 3940 To see him inserting 3941His whang while it sang a duet. 3942% 3943There was a young lady of Norway 3944Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 3945 She said to her beau 3946 "Just look at me Joe 3947I think I've discovered one more way." 3948% 3949There was a young lady of Rhyll 3950In an omnibus was taken ill, 3951 So she called the conductor, 3952 Who got in and fucked her, 3953Which did more good than a pill. 3954% 3955There was a young lady of Spain 3956Who took down her pants on a train. 3957 There was a young porter 3958 Saw more than he orter, 3959And asked her to do it again. 3960% 3961There was a young lady of Spain 3962Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. 3963 They did it again 3964 And again and again, 3965And again and again and again. 3966% 3967There was a young lady of Twickenham 3968Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. 3969 On her knees every day 3970 To God she would pray 3971To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. 3972% 3973There was a young lady of Wheeling 3974Said to her beau, "I've a feeling 3975 My little brown jug 3976 Has need of a plug" -- 3977And straightaway she started to peeling. 3978% 3979There was a young lady of Wheeling 3980Who professed to lack sexual feeling. 3981 But a cynic named Boris 3982 Just touched her clitoris, 3983And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3984% 3985There was a young lady who said, 3986As her bridegroom got into the bed, 3987 "I'm tired of this stunt, 3988 That they do with one's cunt, 3989You can get up my bottom instead." 3990% 3991There was a young lady whose cunt 3992Could accomodate a small punt. 3993 Her mother said, "Annie, 3994 It matches your fanny, 3995Which never was that of a runt." 3996% 3997There was a young lady whose thighs, 3998When spread showed a slit of such size, 3999 And so deep and so wide, 4000 You could play cards inside, 4001Much to her bridegroom's surprise. 4002% 4003There was a young lass from Surat. 4004The cheeks of her ass were so fat 4005 That they had to be parted 4006 Whenever she farted, 4007And also whenever she shat. 4008% 4009There was a young laundress named Wrangle 4010Whose tits tilted up at an angle. 4011 "They may tickle my chin," 4012 She said with a grin, 4013"But at least they keep out of the mangle." 4014% 4015There was a young maiden from Osset 4016Whose quim was nine inches across it. 4017 Said a young man named Tong, 4018 With tool nine inches long, 4019"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." 4020% 4021There was a young man from Bear Ridge 4022Who had strange ideas about marriage. 4023 He fucked his wife's mother 4024 And sucked off her brother 4025And ate up her sister's miscarriage. 4026% 4027There was a young man from Bel-Aire 4028Who was screwing his girl on the stair. 4029 But the banister broke 4030 So he doubled his stroke 4031And finished her off in mid-air. 4032% 4033There was a young man from Bengal 4034Who claimed he had only one ball, 4035 But two little bitches 4036 Pulled down this man's breeches 4037And proved he had nothing at all. 4038% 4039There was a young man from Biloxi 4040Whose bowels responded to Moxie. 4041 Drinking glass after glass, 4042 He would tune up his ass, 4043Till he played like the band at the Roxy. 4044% 4045There was a young man from Bombay 4046Who fashioned a cunt out of clay 4047 But the heat of his prick 4048 Turned it into a brick 4049And rubbed all his foreskin away. 4050% 4051There was a young man from Boston 4052Who rode around in an Austin. 4053 There was room for his ass 4054 And a gallon of gas, 4055But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. 4056% 4057There was a young man from Calcutta 4058Who was heard in his beard to mutter, 4059 "If her Bartholin glands 4060 Don't respond to my hands, 4061I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." 4062% 4063There was a young man from Dallas 4064Who had an exceptional phallus. 4065 He couldn't find room 4066 In any girl's womb 4067Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. 4068% 4069There was a young man from Dundee 4070Who buggered an ape in a tree. 4071 The results were quite horrid: 4072 All ass and no forehead, 4073Three balls and a purple goatee. 4074% 4075There was a young man from East Lizes 4076Whose balls were of two different sizes 4077 One was so small 4078 It was no ball at all 4079The other was large and won prizes. 4080% 4081There was a young man from East Wubley 4082Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. 4083 Each quadruplicate shaft 4084 Had two balls hanging aft, 4085And the general effect was quite lovely. 4086 4087There was a young man from Hong Kong 4088Who had a trifurcated prong: 4089 A small one for sucking, 4090 A large one for fucking, 4091And a `boney' for beating a gong. 4092% 4093There was a young man from Glengozzle 4094Who found a remarkable fossil. 4095 He knew by the bend 4096 And the wart on the end, 4097'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. 4098% 4099There was a young man from Jodhpur 4100Who found he could easily cure 4101 His dread diabetes 4102 By eating a foetus 4103Served up in a sauce of manure. 4104% 4105There was a young man from Kent 4106Whose tool was so long that it bent. 4107 To save himself trouble 4108 He put it in double 4109And instead of coming, he went. 4110% 4111There was a young man from Lynn 4112Whose cock was the size of a pin. 4113 Said his girl with a laugh 4114 As she felt his staff, 4115"This won't be much of a sin." 4116% 4117There was a young man from Maine 4118Whose prick was as strong as a crane; 4119 It was almost as long, 4120 So he strolled with his dong 4121Extended in sunshine and rain. 4122% 4123There was a young man from Nantucket 4124Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4125 But he looked in the glass, 4126 And saw his own ass, 4127And broke his neck trying to fuck it. 4128% 4129There was a young man from Nantucket 4130Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4131 He said with a grin, 4132 While wiping his chin, 4133"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 4134% 4135There was a young man from New Haven 4136Who had an affair with a raven. 4137 He said with a grin 4138 As he wiped off his chin, 4139"Nevermore!" 4140% 4141There was a young man from Peru, 4142Who took a long trip by canoe. 4143 While staring at Venus, 4144 And rubbing his penis, 4145He wound up with a handful of goo. 4146% 4147There was a young man from Purdue 4148Who was only just learning to screw, 4149 But he hadn't the knack, 4150 And he got too far back -- 4151In the right church, but in the wrong pew. 4152% 4153There was a young man from Racine 4154Who invented a fucking machine. 4155 Concave or convex, 4156 It served either sex, 4157But oh what a bitch to keep clean. 4158% 4159There was a young man from Rangoon 4160Who used to lament 'neath the moon 4161 That he had the luck 4162 To be born of a fuck 4163That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. 4164% 4165There was a young man from Salinas 4166Who had an extremely long penis: 4167 Believe it or not, 4168 When he lay on his cot 4169It reached from Marin to Martinez. 4170% 4171There was a young man from Seattle 4172Whose testicles tended to rattle. 4173 He said as he fuck-ed 4174 Some stones in a bucket, 4175"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." 4176% 4177There was a young man from Siam 4178Who said, "I go in with a wham, 4179 But I soon lose my starch 4180 Like the mad month of March, 4181And the lion comes out like a lamb." 4182% 4183There was a young man from St. Paul's 4184Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" 4185 Till he grew such a passion 4186 For feminine fashion 4187That he knitted a snood for his balls. 4188% 4189There was a young man from Stamboul 4190Who boasted so torrid a tool 4191 That each female crater 4192 Explored by this satyr 4193Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. 4194% 4195There was a young man from Tibet- 4196And this is the strangest one yet- 4197 Whose tool was so long, 4198 So pointed and strong, 4199He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". 4200% 4201There was a young man in Havana, 4202Banged his girl on a player-piana. 4203 At the height of their fever 4204 Her ass hit the lever 4205And: yes, he has no banana. 4206% 4207There was a young man in Norway, 4208Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, 4209 But the air was so frigid 4210 It froze his cock rigid, 4211And all he could come was frappe. 4212% 4213There was a young man in the choir 4214Whose penis rose higher and higher, 4215 Till it reached such a height 4216 It was quite out of sight -- 4217But of course you know I'm a liar. 4218% 4219There was a young man, name of Fred, 4220Who spent every Thursday in bed; 4221 He lay with his feet 4222 Outside of the sheet, 4223And the pillows on top of his head. 4224 -- Edward Gorey 4225% 4226There was a young man, name of Saul, 4227Who was able to bounce either ball, 4228 He could stretch them and snap them, 4229 And juggle and clap them, 4230Which earned him the plaudits of all. 4231% 4232There was a young man named Crockett 4233Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4234 His wife was a bitch 4235 So she threw the switch, 4236And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4237% 4238There was a young man named Crockett 4239Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4240 His wife was a bitch, 4241 Yeah, she threw the switch, 4242And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4243% 4244There was a young man named Hughes 4245Who swore off all kinds of booze. 4246 He said, "When I'm muddled 4247 My senses get fuddled, 4248And I pass up too many screws." 4249% 4250There was a young man named Knute 4251Who had warts all over his root. 4252 He put acid on these 4253 And now when he pees, 4254He fingers the thing like a flute. 4255% 4256There was a young man named Laplace 4257Whose balls were made out of spun glass. 4258 When they banged together 4259 They played "Stormy Weather" 4260And lightning shot out of his ass. 4261% 4262There was a young man named McNamiter 4263With a tool of prodigious diameter. 4264 But it wasn't the size 4265 Gave the girls a surprise, 4266But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. 4267% 4268There was a young man named Rex 4269Who really was small for his sex. 4270 When tried for exposure 4271 The judge's disclosure 4272Was "de minimus non curat lex." 4273% 4274There was a young man named Zerubbabel 4275Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. 4276 When they asked if his pleasure 4277 Was only half measure, 4278He replied, "That is highly improbable." 4279% 4280There was a young man named Zerubbabub 4281Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club 4282 But the pride of his life 4283 Were the tits of his wife -- 4284One real, and one India-rubber bub. 4285% 4286There was a young man of Arras 4287Who stretched himself out on the grass, 4288 And with no little trouble, 4289 He bent himself double, 4290And stuck his prick well up his ass. 4291% 4292There was a young man of Australia 4293Who went on a wild bacchanalia. 4294 He buggered a frog, 4295 Two mice and a dog, 4296And a bishop in fullest regalia. 4297% 4298There was a young man of Belgrade 4299Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. 4300 I will suck, without charge, 4301 Any cock, if it's large. 4302If it's small, I expect to be paid." 4303% 4304There was a young man of Belgrade 4305Who slept with a girl in the trade. 4306 She said to him, "Jack, 4307 Try the hole in the back; 4308The front one is badly decayed." 4309% 4310There was a young man of Bengal 4311Who swore he had only one ball, 4312 But two little bitches 4313 Unbuttoned his britches, 4314And found he had no balls at all. 4315% 4316There was a young man of Bombay 4317Who buggered his dad once a day. 4318 He said, "I like, rather, 4319 Fucking my father -- 4320He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." 4321% 4322There was a young man of Calcutta, 4323Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. 4324 When he got to c-u, 4325 A pious Hindoo 4326Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. 4327% 4328There was a young man of Cape Horn 4329Who wished he had never been born, 4330 And he wouldn't have been 4331 If his father had seen 4332That the end of the rubber was torn. 4333% 4334There was a young man of Coblenz 4335Whose ballocks were simply immense: 4336 It took forty-four draymen, 4337 A priest and three laymen 4338To carry them thither and thence. 4339% 4340There was a young man of Darjeeling 4341Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. 4342 In the electric light socket, 4343 He'd put it and rock it-- 4344Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! 4345% 4346There was a young man of Devizes 4347Whose balls were of different sizes. 4348 His tool when at ease, 4349 Hung down to his knees, 4350Oh, what must it be when it rises! 4351% 4352There was a young man of Devizes, 4353Whose balls were of different sizes. 4354 One was so small, 4355 It was nothing at all; 4356The other took numerous prizes. 4357% 4358There was a young man of Dumfries 4359Who said to his girl, "If you please, 4360 It would give me great bliss 4361 If, while playing with this, 4362You would pay some attention to these!" 4363% 4364There was a young man of Greenwich 4365Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 4366 So long was his tool 4367 That it wound round a spool, 4368And he let it out inach by inach. 4369% 4370There was a young man of high station 4371Who was found by a pious relation 4372 Making love in a ditch 4373 To -- I won't say a bitch -- 4374But a woman of no reputation. 4375% 4376There was a young man of Khartoum, 4377The strength of whose balls was his doom. 4378 So strong was his shootin', 4379 The third law of Newton 4380Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. 4381% 4382There was a young man of Khartoum 4383Who lured a poor girl to her doom. 4384 He not only fucked her, 4385 But buggered and sucked her-- 4386And left her to pay for the room. 4387% 4388There was a young man of Kildare 4389Who was fucking a girl on the stair. 4390 The bannister broke, 4391 But he doubled his stroke 4392And finished her off in mid-air. 4393% 4394There was a young man of Kutki 4395Who could blink himself off with one eye. 4396 For a while though, he pined, 4397 When his organ declined 4398To function, because of a stye. 4399% 4400There was a young man of Lahore 4401Whose prick was one inch and no more. 4402 It was all right for key-holes 4403 And little girl's pee-holes, 4404But not worth a damn with a whore. 4405% 4406There was a young man of Lake Placid 4407Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. 4408 When he wanted to sport 4409 He would have to resort 4410To injections of sulphuric acid. 4411% 4412There was a young man of Madras 4413Whose balls were constructed of brass. 4414 When jangled together 4415 They played "Stormy Weather", 4416And lightning shot out of his ass. 4417% 4418There was a young man of Missouri 4419Who fucked with a terrible fury. 4420 Till hauled into court 4421 For his beastial sport, 4422And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. 4423% 4424There was a young man of Natal 4425And Sue was the name of his gal. 4426 One day, north of Aden, 4427 He got his hard rod in, 4428And came clear up Suez Canal. 4429% 4430There was a young man of Natal 4431Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. 4432 Said she, "You're a sluggard!" 4433 Said he, "You be buggered! 4434I like to fuck slow and I shall." 4435% 4436There was a young man of Ostend 4437Who let a girl play with his end. 4438 She took hold of Rover, 4439 And felt it all over, 4440And it did what she didn't intend. 4441% 4442There was a young man of Ostend 4443Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. 4444 "It's no use, my duck, 4445 Interrupting our fuck, 4446For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." 4447% 4448There was a young man of Saskatchewan, 4449Whose penis was truly gargantuan. 4450 It was good for large whores, 4451 And for small dinosaurs, 4452And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. 4453% 4454There was a young man of Seattle 4455Who bested a bull in a battle. 4456 With fire and gumption 4457 He assumed the bull's function, 4458And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. 4459% 4460There was a young man of St. John's 4461Who wanted to bugger the swans. 4462 But the loyal hall porter 4463 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 4464Those birds are reserved for the dons." 4465% 4466There was a young man of Tibet 4467-- And this is the strangest one yet -- 4468 His prick was so long, 4469 And so pointed and strong, 4470He could bugger six sheep en brochette. 4471% 4472There was a young man of Toulouse 4473Who had a deficient prepuce, 4474 But the foreskin he lacked 4475 He made up in his sac; 4476The result was, his balls were too loose. 4477% 4478There was a young man who appeared 4479To his friends with a full growth of beard; 4480 They at once said, "Although 4481 We can't say why it's so, 4482The effect is uncommonly weird." 4483 -- Edward Gorey 4484% 4485There was a young man who said "God, 4486I find it exceedingly odd, 4487 That the willow oak tree 4488 Continues to be, 4489When there's no one about in the Quad." 4490 4491"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 4492For I'm always about in the Quad; 4493 And that's why the tree, 4494 Continues to be," 4495Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 4496% 4497There was a young man with a fiddle 4498Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" 4499 She replied, "Yes, I do, 4500 But prefer to with two -- 4501It's twice as much fun in the middle." 4502% 4503There was a young man with a prick 4504Which into his wife he would stick 4505 Every morning and night 4506 If it stood up all right -- 4507Not a very remarkable trick. 4508 4509His wife had a nice little cunt: 4510It was hairy, and soft, and in front, 4511 And with this she would fuck him, 4512 Though sometimes she'd suck him -- 4513A charming, if commonplace, stunt. 4514% 4515There was a young man with one foot 4516Who had a very long root. 4517 If he used this peg 4518 As an extra leg 4519Is a question exceedingly moot. 4520% 4521There was a young miss from Johore 4522Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; 4523 In a manner uncanny 4524 She'd wobble her fanny, 4525And drain your nuts dry to the core. 4526% 4527There was a young monk from Siberia 4528Whose life got drearia' and drearia' 4529 Till he did to a nun 4530 What shouldn't be done 4531And made her a mother superia'. 4532% 4533There was a young monk from Tibet 4534And this is the damnedest one yet 4535 His cock was so long 4536 And incredibly strong 4537That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. 4538% 4539There was a young monk in Siberia, 4540Whose morals were very inferior, 4541 He jumped on a nun 4542 Which he shouldn't have done, 4543And now she's a Mother Superior. 4544% 4545There was a young monk of Dundee 4546Who complained that it hurt him to pee, 4547 He said, "Pax vobiscum, 4548 Now why won't the piss come? 4549I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." 4550% 4551There was a young parson of Harwich, 4552Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. 4553 She said, "No, you young goose, 4554 Just try self-abuse. 4555And the other we'll try after marriage." 4556% 4557There was a young peasant named Gorse 4558Who fell madly in love with his horse. 4559 Said his wife, "You rapscallion, 4560 That horse is a stallion -- 4561This constitutes grounds for divorce." 4562% 4563There was a young person of Kent 4564Who was famous wherever he went. 4565 All the way through a fuck, 4566 He would quack like a duck, 4567And he crowed like a cock when he spent. 4568% 4569There was a young physicist named Fisk 4570Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. 4571 So quick was his action, 4572 The Lorentz Contraction 4573Shortened his rod to a disc !! 4574% 4575There was a young plumber named Lee 4576Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. 4577 She said, "Stop your plumbing, 4578 There's somebody coming" 4579Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." 4580% 4581There was a young poet named Dan, 4582Whose poetry never would scan. 4583 When told this was so, 4584 He said, "Yes, I know, 4585It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 4586% 4587There was a young royal marine, 4588Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". 4589 When he reached the soprano 4590 Out came only guano 4591And his britches weren't fit to be seen. 4592% 4593There was a young sailor from Brighton, 4594Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." 4595 She replied, "'Pon my soul, 4596 You're in the wrong hole; 4597There's plenty of room in the right one." 4598% 4599There was a young sapphic named Anna 4600Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, 4601 Which she sucked, bit by bit, 4602 From her partner's warm slit, 4603In the most approved lesbian manner. 4604% 4605There was a young Scot in Madrid 4606Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. 4607 When they said, "Are you faint?" 4608 He replied, "No, I ain't, 4609But I don't feel as good as I did." 4610% 4611There was a young soldier from Munich 4612Whose penis hung down past his tunic, 4613 And their chops girls would lick 4614 When they thought of his prick, 4615But alas! he was only a eunuch. 4616% 4617There was a young sportsman named Peel 4618Who went for a trip on his wheel; 4619 He pedalled for days 4620 Through crepuscular haze, 4621And returned feeling somewhat unreal. 4622 -- Edward Gorey 4623% 4624There was a young squaw of Wohunt 4625Who possessed a collapsible cunt. 4626 It had many odd uses, 4627 Produced no papooses, 4628And fitted both giant and runt. 4629% 4630There was a young student from Yale 4631Who was getting his first piece of tail. 4632 He shoved in his pole, 4633 But in the wrong hole, 4634And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" 4635% 4636There was a young trollop at Yale, 4637Who had verses tattooed on her tail, 4638 And on her behind, 4639 For the sake of the blind, 4640A duplicate version in Braille. 4641% 4642There was a young whore from Kaloo 4643Who filled her vagina with glue. 4644 She said with a grin, 4645 "If they pay to get in, 4646They can pay to get out again too!" 4647% 4648There was a young woman called Pearl 4649Who quite resembled a churl; 4650 When she asked a young man named Tex 4651 Whether he would like to have sex, 4652"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" 4653% 4654There was a young woman from Bude, 4655Who went for a swim in the nude, 4656 But a man in a punt, 4657 Grabbed at her elbow, 4658And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." 4659% 4660There was a young woman in Dee 4661Who stayed with each man she did see. 4662 When it came to a test 4663 She wished to be best, 4664And practice makes perfect, you see. 4665% 4666There was a young woman named Alice 4667Who peed in a Catholic chalice. 4668 She said, "I do this 4669 From a great need to piss, 4670And not from sectarian malice." 4671% 4672There was a young woman named Ells 4673Who was subject to curious spells 4674 When got up very oddly, 4675 She'd cry out things ungodly 4676by the palms in expensive hotels. 4677 -- Edward Gorey 4678% 4679There was a young woman named Florence 4680Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, 4681 But they found her in bed 4682 With her cunt flaming red, 4683And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. 4684% 4685There was a young woman named Plunnery 4686Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. 4687 Till one day unobservant, 4688 She blew up a servant, 4689And was forced to retire to a nunnery. 4690 -- Edward Gorey 4691% 4692There was a young woman named Sutton 4693Who said, as she carved up the mutton, 4694 "My father preferred 4695 The last sheep in the herd -- 4696This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." 4697% 4698There was a young woman of Cheadle, 4699Who once gave the clap to a beadle. 4700 Said she, "Does it itch?" 4701 "It does, you damned bitch, 4702And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." 4703% 4704There was a young woman of Condover 4705Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. 4706 Her pussy was juicy, 4707 Her arse soft and goosey, 4708But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. 4709% 4710There was a young woman of Croft 4711Who played with herself in a loft, 4712 Having reasoned that candles 4713 Could never cause scandals, 4714Besides which they did not go soft. 4715 4716Said another young woman of Croft, 4717Amusing herself in the loft, 4718 "A salami or wurst 4719 Is what I'd choose first -- 4720With bologna you know you've been boffed." 4721% 4722There was a young woman, quite handsome, 4723Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. 4724 When she offered much gold 4725 For release, she was told 4726That the view was worth more than the ransom. 4727% 4728There was a young woman whose stammer 4729Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; 4730 But they were not improved 4731 When her husband was moved 4732To knock out her teeth with a hammer. 4733 -- Edward Gorey 4734% 4735There was an old abbess quite shocked 4736To find nuns where the candles were locked. 4737 Said the abbess, "You nuns 4738 Should behave more like guns, 4739And never go off till you're cocked." 4740% 4741There was an old bishop from Buckingham 4742Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. 4743 His wife with distain 4744 Could scarcely restrain 4745That sprightly old bishop from * * *. 4746% 4747There was an old count of Swoboda 4748Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. 4749 So, with great savoir-faire, 4750 She stood on a chair 4751And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. 4752% 4753There was an old curate of Hestion 4754Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. 4755 But so small was his tool 4756 He could scarce screw a spool, 4757And a cunt was quite out of the question. 4758% 4759There was an old fellow named Art 4760Who awoke with a horrible start, 4761 For down by his rump 4762 Was a generous lump 4763Of what should have been just a fart. 4764% 4765There was an old fellow named Skinner 4766Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. 4767 But still, by and large, 4768 It would always discharge 4769Once he could just get it in her. 4770% 4771There was an old feminine blighter 4772Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. 4773 She would cream her own pool 4774 While she sucked off his tool -- 4775How his cock in her cunt would excite her! 4776% 4777There was an old gent from Kentuck 4778Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, 4779 But he put it away 4780 For fear that one day 4781He might put it in and get stuck. 4782% 4783There was an old girl of Kilkenny 4784Whose usual charge was a penny. 4785 For half of that sum 4786 You could finger her bum-- 4787A source of amusement to many. 4788% 4789There was an old harlot from Dijon 4790Who in her old age got religion. 4791 "When I'm dead & gone," 4792 Said she, "I'll take on 4793The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." 4794% 4795There was an old hermit named Dave 4796Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 4797 He said "I'll admit 4798 I'm a bit of a shit, 4799But look at the money I save." 4800% 4801There was an old lady of Bingly 4802Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. 4803 I thought I had got 4804 A bloke for my twat, 4805But he seems rather queenly than kingly." 4806% 4807There was an old lady of Glascow, 4808Whose party proved quite a fiasco. 4809 At nine-thirty, about, 4810 The lights all went out, 4811Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. 4812% 4813There was an old lady of Kewry 4814Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': 4815 The `introitus vaginae', 4816 Was unnaturally tiny, 4817And the thought of it filled her with fury. 4818% 4819There was an old lady who lay 4820With her legs wide apart in the hay, 4821 Then, calling the ploughman, 4822 She said, "Do it now, man! 4823Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." 4824% 4825There was an old maid from Cape Cod 4826Who thought all good things came from god. 4827 But it wasn't the almighty 4828 Who lifted her nighty, 4829It was Roger, the lodger, by god. 4830% 4831There was an old man from Bengal 4832Who liked to do tricks in the hall. 4833 His favorite trick 4834 Was to stand on his dick 4835While he rolled around on one ball. 4836% 4837There was an old man from Duluth 4838Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4839 He fucked with his nose 4840 Or his fingers and toes 4841And he came thru a hole in his tooth. 4842% 4843There was an old man from Fort Drum 4844Whose son was incredibly dumb. 4845 When he urged him ahead, 4846 He went down instead, 4847For he thought to succeed meant succumb. 4848% 4849There was an old man of Alsace 4850Who played the trombone with his ass. 4851 He put in a trap 4852 To take out the crap, 4853But the vapors corroded the brass. 4854% 4855There was an old man of Brienz 4856The length of whose cock was immense: 4857 With one swerve he could plug 4858 A boy's bottom in Zug, 4859And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. 4860% 4861There was an old man of Cajon 4862Who never could get a good bone. 4863 With the aid of a gland 4864 It grew simply grand; 4865Now his wife cannot leave it alone. 4866% 4867There was an old man of Calcutta 4868Who spied through a chink in the shutter. 4869 But all he could see 4870 Was his wife's bare knee, 4871And the back of the bloke who was up her. 4872% 4873There was an old man of Connaught 4874Whose prick was remarkably short. 4875 When he got into bed, 4876 The old woman said, 4877"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." 4878% 4879There was an old man of Duddee 4880Who came home as drunk as could be. 4881 He wound up the clock 4882 With the end of his cock, 4883And buggered his wife with the key. 4884% 4885There was an old man of Duluth 4886Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4887 He fucked with his nose 4888 And with fingers and toes, 4889And he came through a hole in his tooth. 4890% 4891There was an old man of Hong Kong 4892Who never did anything wrong. 4893 He would lie on his back 4894 With his head in a sack 4895And secretly finger his dong. 4896% 4897There was an old man of St. Bees, 4898Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4899 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4900 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4901I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4902% 4903There was an old man of St. Bees, 4904Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4905 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4906 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4907I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4908 -- W.S. Gilbert 4909% 4910There was an old man of Tagore 4911Whose tool was a yard long or more, 4912 So he wore the damn thing 4913 In a surgical sling 4914To keep it from wiping the floor. 4915% 4916There was an Old Man of the Mountain 4917Who frigged himself into a fountain 4918 Fifteen times had he spent, 4919 Still he wasn't content, 4920He simply got tired of the counting. 4921% 4922There was an old man of the port 4923Whose prick was remarkably short. 4924 When he got into bed, 4925 The old woman said, 4926"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4927% 4928There was an old man who said, "Tush! 4929My balls always hang in the brush, 4930 And I fumble about, 4931 Half in and half out, 4932With a pecker as limber as mush." 4933% 4934There was an old man with a beard 4935Who said, "It is just what I feared! 4936 Two owls and a hen, 4937 Four larks and a wren 4938Have all built their nests in my beard!" 4939% 4940There was an old person of Ware 4941Who had an affair with a bear. 4942 He explained, "I don't mind, 4943 For it's gentle and kind, 4944But I wish it had slightly less hair." 4945% 4946There was an old pirate named Bates 4947Who was learning to rhumba on skates 4948 He fell on his cutlass 4949 Which rendered him nutless 4950And practically useless on dates. 4951% 4952There was an old satyr named Mack 4953Whose prick had a left handed tack. 4954 If the ladies he loves 4955 Don't spin when he shoves, 4956Their cervixes frequently crack. 4957% 4958There was an old Scot named McTavish 4959Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. 4960 The object of rape 4961 Was the wrong sex of ape, 4962And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. 4963% 4964There was an old whore from Silesia 4965Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, 4966 For a slight extra sum 4967 You can go up my bum 4968But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." 4969% 4970There was an old whore in the Azores 4971Whose body was covered with festers & sores. 4972 Why the dogs in the street 4973 Wouldn't eat the green meat 4974That hung in festoons from her drawers. 4975% 4976There was an old woman of Ghent 4977Who swore that her cunt had no scent. 4978 She got fucked so often 4979 At last she got rotten, 4980And didn't she stink when she spent. 4981% 4982There was once a mechanic named Bench 4983Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. 4984 With this vibrant device 4985 He could reach, in a trice, 4986The innermost parts of a wench. 4987% 4988There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel 4989Who said, "They can all go to hell! 4990 What they do to my wife-- 4991 Why it ruins my life; 4992And the worst is, they all do it well. 4993% 4994There were three ladies of Huxham, 4995And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, 4996 And when that game grows stale 4997 We sits on a rail, 4998And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. 4999% 5000There were three young ladies of Birmingham, 5001And this is the scandal concerning 'em. 5002 They lifted the frock 5003 And tickled the cock 5004Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. 5005 5006Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, 5007He'd been to a good public school, 5008 So he took down their britches 5009 And buggered those bitches 5010With his ten-inch episcopal tool. 5011 5012Then up spoke a lady from Kew, 5013And said, as the Bishop withdrew, 5014 "The vicar is quicker 5015 And thicker and slicker, 5016And longer and stronger than you." 5017 -- Abuses of the Clergy 5018% 5019There's a charming young girl in Tobruk 5020Who refers to her quiff as a nook. 5021 It's deep and it's wide, 5022 -- You can curl up inside 5023With a nice easy chair and a book. 5024% 5025There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu 5026Who's often been screwed by yours truly, 5027 But now--it's appallin'-- 5028 My balls always fall in! 5029I fear that I've fucked her unduly. 5030% 5031There's a dowager near Sweden Landing 5032Whose manners are odd and demanding. 5033 It's one of her jests 5034 To suck off her guests -- 5035She hates to keep gentlemen standing. 5036% 5037There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock 5038Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, 5039 But her cunt's got a pucker 5040 That's best not to fuck, or 5041When least you expect it to, it'll lock. 5042% 5043There's a rather odd couple in Herts 5044Who are cousins (or so each asserts); 5045 Their sex is in doubt 5046 For they're never without 5047Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. 5048 -- Edward Gorey 5049% 5050There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, 5051Who's been coxing the varsity crew. 5052 In the shell Sue is great, 5053 But her boyfriend's irate, 5054When she calls out the stroke as they screw. 5055% 5056There's a tavern in London that's staffed, 5057By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: 5058 In her striving to please, 5059 She serves ale on her knees, 5060So the patrons get head with their draft. 5061% 5062There's a very hot babe at the Aggies 5063Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. 5064 The seniors go round 5065 Hanging down to the ground, 5066And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. 5067% 5068There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, 5069Since his shocking perversions are various... 5070 He will bugger some lad 5071 With a dildo (the cad!) 5072While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" 5073% 5074There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, 5075Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. 5076 When one pireg is shot, 5077 There's that alternate twat, 5078But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. 5079% 5080There's an oversexed lady named Whyte 5081Who insists on a dozen a night. 5082 A fellow named Cheddar 5083 Had the brashness to wed her- 5084His chance of survival is slight. 5085% 5086There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, 5087Exceedingly hard to get onto, 5088 But when you get there, 5089 And have parted the hair, 5090You can fuck her as much as you want to. 5091% 5092They had come in the fugue to the stretto 5093When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto 5094 Slipped forward and grabbed 5095 Her tresses and stabbed 5096Her to death with a rusty stiletto. 5097 -- Edward Gorey 5098% 5099Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, 5100Was to do what man normally does, 5101 She declared, "I'm a Soul- 5102 Not a sexual goal!" 5103So he shrugged and called someone who was. 5104% 5105Though most of the crewmen are whites, 5106Uhura has full equal rights. 5107 Her crewmates, you see, 5108 Love De-mo-cra-cy, 5109And the way that she fills out her tights. 5110% 5111Though the invalid Saint of Brac 5112Lay all of his life on his back, 5113 His wife got her share, 5114 And the pilgrims now stare 5115At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. 5116% 5117'Tis a custom in Castellamare 5118To fuck in the back of a lorry. 5119 The chassis and springs 5120 Are like woodwinds and strings 5121In the midst of a musical soiree. 5122% 5123To a weepy young woman in Thrums 5124Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes 5125 Of allowing your tears 5126 To fall into my ears - 5127I think they have rotted the drums." 5128 -- Edward Gorey 5129% 5130To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. 5131Their fertility was somewhat unstable. 5132 He constructed a bed 5133 Out of tree trunks and said, 5134"Even adders can multiply on a log table." 5135% 5136To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! 5137Your cunt is as big as a dish!" 5138 She replied, "Why, you fool, 5139 With your limp little tool 5140It's like driving a nail with a fish!" 5141% 5142To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : 5143"I trust you will show some forbearance. 5144 My sexual habits 5145 I picked up from rabbits, 5146And occasionally watching my parents." 5147% 5148To his bride said economist Fife : 5149"The semen you'll launch as my wife, 5150 We will salvage and freeze 5151 To resemble goat's cheese, 5152And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." 5153% 5154To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, 5155"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5156 Has the east tit the least bit 5157 The best of the west tit, 5158Or is it the faulty perspective?" 5159% 5160To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, 5161"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5162 Is your east tit the least bit 5163 The best of your west tit, 5164Or is it a trick of perspective?" 5165% 5166To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, 5167As he poured his post-prandial tipple, 5168 "Your mother's behaviour 5169 Gave pain to Our Saviour, 5170And that's why He made you a cripple." 5171 -- Edward Gorey 5172% 5173Two anglers were fishing off Wight 5174And his bobber was dipping all night. 5175 Murmured she, with a laugh, 5176 "It's ready to gaff, 5177But don't break your rod which is light." 5178 5179A couple was fishing near Clombe 5180When the maid began looking quite glum, 5181 And said, "Bother the fish! 5182 I'd rather coish!" 5183Which they did -- which was why they had come. 5184 5185As two consular clerks in Madras 5186Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, 5187 "What a marvelous pole," 5188 Said she, "but control 5189Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." 5190% 5191Two eager young men from Cawnpore 5192Once buggared and fucked the same whore. 5193 But her partition split 5194 And the blood and the shit 5195Rolled out in a mess on the floor. 5196% 5197Two roosters in one of our pens 5198Found their pricks were no larger than wens. 5199 As they looked at their foreskins 5200 And wished they had more skins, 5201They discovered they'd both become hens. 5202% 5203Under the spreading chestnut tree 5204The village smith he sat, 5205 Amusing himself 5206 By abusing himself 5207And catching the load in his hat. 5208% 5209Une joile epousetta a Tours 5210Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. 5211 Mais le mari disait, "Non! 5212 De trop n'est pas bon! 5213Mon derriere exige du secours!" 5214% 5215Visas erat: huic geminarum 5216Dispar modus testicularum: 5217 Minor haec nihili, 5218 Palma triplici, 5219Jam fecerat altera clarum. 5220% 5221We dedicate this to the cunt, 5222The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : 5223 All hail to the twat, 5224 Willing, thrilling, and hot, 5225That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! 5226% 5227When I was a baby, my penis 5228Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. 5229 But now 'this as red 5230 As her nipples instead-- 5231All because of the feminie genus! 5232% 5233When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, 5234Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, 5235 "Was he modest or vain?" 5236 "Was he regal or plain?" 5237She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" 5238% 5239When you fuck little Annie in Anza 5240You get a great bossom bonanza: 5241 Sucking Annie's soft tits 5242 Makes her throw fifty fits, 5243And the fuck is a sextravaganza! 5244% 5245While his duchess lay practically dead, 5246The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: 5247 "Can it be this is all? 5248 How puny! How small! 5249Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." 5250 -- Edward Gorey 5251% 5252While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 5253Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 5254 She explained, "They are flat, 5255 But think nothing of that -- 5256You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 5257% 5258While out on a date in his Fiat, 5259The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" 5260 As he bent down to seek, 5261 She let out a shriek: 5262"That's not where it's likely to be at." 5263% 5264While spending the winter at Pau 5265Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." 5266 So the head-porter made her 5267 And the second-cook laid her; 5268The waiters were all hanging low. 5269% 5270While Titian was mixing rose madder, 5271His model reclined on a ladder. 5272 Her position to Titian 5273 Suggested coition, 5274So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. 5275% 5276While travelling in farthest Tibet, 5277Lord Irongate found cause to regret 5278 The buttered-up tea, 5279 A pain in his knee, 5280And the frivolous tourists he met. 5281 -- Edward Gorey 5282% 5283Winter is here with his grouch, 5284The time when you sneeze and you slouch. 5285 You can't take your women 5286 Canoein' or swimmin', 5287But a lot can be done on a couch. 5288% 5289With his penis in turgid erection, 5290And aimed at woman's mid-section, 5291 Man looks most uncouth 5292 In that Moment of Truth, 5293But she sheathes it with loving affection. 5294% 5295You Women's Lib gals won't agree, 5296But dependent on men you must be: 5297 You'll need a him 5298 With a rod firm and trim, 5299To puggle your water-drains free! 5300% 5301Young Frederick the great was a beaut. 5302To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. 5303 If you'll come to my palace, 5304 I'll finger your phallus, 5305And then I shall blow on your flute." 5306% 5307You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, 5308Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : 5309 He buggers the choir 5310 As they sing "Ave Maria," 5311And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. 5312% 5313