fortunes revision 268755
1This fortune brought to you by: 2$FreeBSD: stable/10/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes 268755 2014-07-16 12:41:50Z gavin $ 3% 4======================================================================= 5|| || 6|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || 7|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || 8|| || 9======================================================================= 10 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: 11 "Fortune Cookie" 12 Directed by Steven Spielberg. 13 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando 14 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers 15 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". 16 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. 17 Special Effects by Timothy Leary. 18 Read the Warner paperback! 19 Invoke the Unix program! 20 Soundtrack on XTC Records. 21 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal 22 centers. 23% 24 FROM THE DESK OF 25 Dorothy Gale 26 27 Auntie Em: 28 Hate you. 29 Hate Kansas. 30 Taking the dog. 31 Dorothy 32% 33 FROM THE DESK OF 34 Rapunzel 35 36Dear Prince: 37 38 Use ladder tonight -- 39 you're splitting my ends. 40% 41 SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT 42 43Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? 44Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth 45 46 ABSTRACT 47 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying 48the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem 49of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas 50of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- 51bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size 52pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that 53there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program 54to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable 55functions. 56 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. 57This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. 58 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played. 59% 60 UNIX Trix 61 62For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will 63save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your 64next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd 65to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they 66forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct 67the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea 68either. If you need some help, give us a call. 69 70 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems 71% 72 1/2 73 12 + 144 + 20 + 3*4 2 74 ---------------------- + 5 * 11 = 9 + 0 75 7 76 77A dozen, a gross and a score, 78Plus three times the square root of four, 79 Divided by seven, 80 Plus five times eleven, 81Equals nine squared plus zero, no more! 82% 83 -- Gifts for Children -- 84 85This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, 86because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months 87and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- 88morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children 89exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If 90your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You 91Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it 92might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe 93me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child 94who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. 95 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 96% 97 -- Gifts for Men -- 98 99Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional 100ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you 101should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the 102clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For 103example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only 104three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, 105that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh 106at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). 107So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several 108years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will 109pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 110 111If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 112than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 113of tires. 114 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 115% 116 Chapter 1 117 118The story so far: 119 120 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot 121of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 122 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 123% 124 DELETE A FORTUNE! 125 126Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like 127to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to 128"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it 129gets expunged. 130% 131 Get GUMMed 132 --- ------ 133The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1341, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above 135the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep 136each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered 137chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek 138nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three 139days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two 140seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- 141friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is 142Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 143"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 144Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because 145all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we 146could tell them. 147 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 148% 149 Has your family tried 'em? 150 151 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 152 153 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 154 155 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons 156 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 157 158 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 159 160 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of 161 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark 162 stains that indicate freshness. 163% 164 It's grad exam time... 165COMPUTER SCIENCE 166 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating 167system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert 168this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are 169bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the 170new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) 171 172MATHEMATICS 173 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long 174it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the 175length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. 176 177GENERAL KNOWLEDGE 178Describe the Universe. Give three examples. 179% 180 It's grad exam time... 181MEDICINE 182 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a 183bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has 184been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.) 185 186HISTORY 187 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present 188day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, 189economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and 190Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. 191 192BIOLOGY 193 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture 194if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with 195special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. 196% 197 Pittsburgh driver's test 19810: Potholes are 199 a) extremely dangerous. 200 b) patriotic. 201 c) the fault of the previous administration. 202 d) all going to be fixed next summer. 203The correct answer is b. 204Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes 205are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car 206you have nothing to worry about. 207% 208 Pittsburgh driver's test 2092: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should 210 a) stop immediately. 211 b) proceed slowly through the intersection. 212 c) blow the horn. 213 d) floor it. 214The correct answer is d. 215If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. 216% 217 Pittsburgh driver's test 2183: When stopped at an intersection you should 219 a) watch the traffic light for your lane. 220 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. 221 c) blow the horn. 222 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. 223The correct answer is d. 224You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting 225street turns yellow. 226Answer c is worth a half point. 227% 228 Pittsburgh driver's test 2294: Exhaust gas is 230 a) beneficial. 231 b) not harmful. 232 c) toxic. 233 d) a punk band. 234The correct answer is b. 235The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise 236are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where 237you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) 238% 239 Pittsburgh driver's test 2405: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. 241 How often should you test it? 242 a) once a year. 243 b) once a month. 244 c) once a day. 245 d) once an hour. 246The correct answer is d. 247You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, 248and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. 249% 250 Pittsburgh driver's test 2517: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 252 but a steady left tail light. This means 253 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your 254 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. 255 b) The driver is signaling a right turn. 256 c) The driver is signaling a left turn. 257 d) The driver is from out of town. 258The correct answer is d. 259Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. 260% 261 Pittsburgh driver's test 2628: Pedestrians are 263 a) irrelevant. 264 b) communists. 265 c) a nuisance. 266 d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 267The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they 268are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them 269completely. 270% 271 Pittsburgh driver's test 2729: Roads are salted in order to 273 a) kill grass. 274 b) melt snow. 275 c) help the economy. 276 d) prevent potholes. 277The correct answer is c. 278Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more 279indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, 280salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and 281steel industries. 282% 283 THE STORY OF CREATION 284 or 285 THE MYTH OF URK 286 287In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, 288and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM 289was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be 290registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; 291and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data 292Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening 293and there was morning, one interrupt ... 294 -- Rico Tudor 295% 296 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK 297 by Mark Isaak 298 299 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 300character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 301hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 302are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 303BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 304to him. 305 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 306he met the traveling salesman. 307 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 308in high-level language. 309 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 310and Apples," commented Jack. 311 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 312there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 313 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 314he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 315started thrashing. 316 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 317kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 318window ... 319% 320 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 321 322(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 323(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 324(3) I don't know. 325(4) Who cares? 326(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, 327 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 328(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my 329 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and 330 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of 331 Papyrus Books). 332% 333 DETERIORATA 334 335Go placidly amid the noise and waste, 336And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. 337Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. 338Rotate your tires. 339Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, 340And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. 341Know what to kiss -- and when. 342Remember that two wrongs never make a right, 343But that three do. 344Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". 345Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, 346And despite the changing fortunes of time, 347There is always a big future in computer maintenance. 348 349 You are a fluke of the universe ... 350 You have no right to be here. 351 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe 352 Is laughing behind your back. 353 -- National Lampoon 354% 355 Double Bucky 356 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") 357 358Double bucky, you're the one! 359You make my keyboard lots of fun 360 Double bucky, an additional bit or two: 361(Vo-vo-de-o!) 362Control and Meta side by side, 363Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! 364 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 365 366Double bucky, left and right 367OR'd together, outta sight! 368 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of 369 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of 370 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 371 -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978 372 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 373 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 374 by screen editors.) 375% 376 Hard Copies and Chmod 377 378And everyone thinks computers are impersonal 379cold diskdrives hardware monitors 380user-hostile software 381 382of course they're only bits and bytes 383and characters and strings 384and files 385 386just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend 387telling me he loves me and 388he'll take care of me 389 390simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory 391deep intimate secrets and 392how he doesn't trust me 393 394couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould 395on personal stationery 396 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu 397% 398 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE 399Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the 400margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit 401will be given to candidates who self-actualize. 402 403 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why 404neither has street credibility. 405 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting 406on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner 407city. 408 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked 409into a black hole. 410 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist 411ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. 412 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. 413 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing 414up of western dualism? 415 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. 416% 417 OUTCONERR 418Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 419 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 420All kludgy were the function flows 421 And subroutines adhoc. 422 423Beware the runtime-bug my friend 424 squrooneg, the false goto 425Beware the infiniteloop 426 And shun the inprectoo. 427% 428 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 4291. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a 430 nuclear bomb, use the stairs. 4312. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll 432 when you hit the ground. 4333. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 4344. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead 435 to psychological problems. 4365. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize 437 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, 438 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 4396. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs 440 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 4417. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles. 4428. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be 443 staggering illegally. 4449. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more 445 sanitary due to limited circulation. 44610. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short 447 supply on D-Day. 448% 449 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance 450The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system 451in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an 452Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four 453fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the 454Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on 455target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. 456If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal 457computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip 458through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do 459to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines 460for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can 461take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied 462into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit 463computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, 464they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what 465Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home 466a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. 467 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 468% 469 The STAR WARS Song 470 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: 471 472I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 473Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 474 S-O-D-A soda 475I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 476I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 477 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 478 479Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 480A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 481 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 482Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 483How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 484 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 485% 486 The Three Major Kind of Tools 487 488* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or 489 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a 490 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, 491 bludgeons, and truncheons.) 492 493* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) 494 495* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far 496 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. 497 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses 498 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) 499 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 500% 501 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") 502Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 503Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 504And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 505Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 506Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 507And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 508And we've also found Just flip one switch 509When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 510You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 511 in a flash. 512Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU 513Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," 514And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. 515% 516 'Twas the Night before Crisis 517 518'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, 519 Not a program was working not even a browse. 520The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, 521 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. 522The users were nestled all snug in their beds, 523 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. 524When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, 525 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. 526And what to my wondering eyes should appear, 527 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. 528More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, 529 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; 530On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! 531 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! 532His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, 533 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. 534A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, 535 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 536% 537 What I Did During My Fall Semester 538On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. 539Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 540Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 541 542On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. 543Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 544Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 545 546On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. 547Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 548I found a thesis topic: 549 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. 550 -- Sister Mary Elephant, 551 "Student Statement for Black Friday" 552% 553 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 554 555Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never 556be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to 557agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words 558out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal 559of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must 560not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a 561conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a 562sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as 563close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more 564words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles 565must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a 566linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing 567metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should 568be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their 569writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows 570the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek 571viable alternatives. 572% 573 1/3 574 /\(3) 575 | 2 1/3 576 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e ) 577 | 578 \/ 1 579 580The integral of z squared, dz 581From 1 to the cube root of 3 582 Times the cosine 583 Of 3 PI over nine 584Is the log of the cube root of e 585% 586 THE DAILY PLANET 587 588 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! 589 Plans to "Eat it later" 590% 591 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** 592 593Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 594terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 595the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 596School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 597They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. 598With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code 599and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language 600in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a 601computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what 602you should blame when you make a mistake. 603 604 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. 605 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of 606 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) 607 608*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** 609% 610 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling 611 by Mark Twain 612 613 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped 614to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer 615be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained 616would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 617might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the 618same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with 619"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. 620 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear 621with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 622or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. 623Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi 624ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz 625ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 626 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud 627hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 628% 629 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** 630Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 631terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 632the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 633School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 634 635 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** 636Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can 637help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and 638enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. 639 640 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** 641To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to 642try this simple test: 643 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters 644 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). 645 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? 646 3: What is the state capital of Idaho? 647If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked 648them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. 649% 650 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** 651 652Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of 653programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized 654form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a 655winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I 656sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. 657Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management 658program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he 659was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in 660his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could 661have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains 662in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll 663be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which 664can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate 665yourself in the morning. 666% 667 668 *** System shutdown message from root *** 669 670System going down in 60 seconds 671 672 673% 674 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's 675personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the 676best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. 677Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking 678soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a 679reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their 680table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is 681not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous 682crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their 683beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant 684wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of 685Liza Minnelli. 686 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 687% 688 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. 689% 690 7,140 pounds on the Sun 691 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars 692 255 pounds on Earth 693 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus 694 43 pounds on the Moon 695 648 pounds on Jupiter 696 275 pounds on Saturn 697 303 pounds on Neptune 698 13 pounds on Pluto 699 700 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places 701 in the solar system. 702% 703 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of 704the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed 705the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to 706another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back 707and forth. 708 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case 709of carp-to-carp walleting." 710% 711 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing 712the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them 713missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in 714his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that 715work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump 716flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. 717 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two 718events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the 719dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: 720"Have you seen my parakeet?" 721% 722 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when 723a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the 724foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I 725have what I think is a pretty good act." 726 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to 727the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. 728Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping 729his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little 730man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, 731performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive 732from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside 733the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. 734 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" 735 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird 736imitations?" 737% 738 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a 739long-distance caw. 740% 741 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating 742his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said 743the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 744 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the 745toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 746% 747 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about 748whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they 749got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The 750medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's 751rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." 752 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden 753itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden 754and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." 755 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then 756commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 757% 758 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from 759his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. 760% 761 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the 762house of seven gobbles. 763% 764 A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for 765her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her 766looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured 767sadly, "runneth over." 768% 769 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. 770After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, 771one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed 772the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. 773 "What do you think?" said the first ranger. 774 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. 775% 776 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another 777finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's 778the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week. 779% 780 A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your 781book The Martian Chronicles?" 782 I said, "Yes?" 783 He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the 784East?" 785 I said, "Yes?" 786 He said "No." -- So I hit him. 787 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury 788% 789 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three 790days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. 791% 792 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. 793 The housewife replied, "Four!". 794 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures 795through my spread sheet one more time." 796 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a 797hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" 798% 799 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had 800made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he 801would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the 802lawyer. 803 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this 804state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, 805I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay." 806 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. 807 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it 808and exclaim, "That's Strange!" 809% 810 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to 811the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 812 The bartender ignores him. 813 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 814 Still ignored. 815 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!" 816 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the 817leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. 818 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, 819jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the 820saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, 821"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw." 822% 823 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points 824to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs. 825 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement 826and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and 827French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird 828and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and 829German, can knit and can curse in Latin. 830 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is 831told, "that one is 150,000." 832 "Why, what can it do?" he asks. 833 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't 834do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." 835 -- being told in Poland, 1987 836% 837 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, 838Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the 839wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. 840 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a 841pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new 842disciples." 843 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. 844% 845 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The 846first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. 847 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow 848and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." 849 "But the collar is up around my ears!" 850 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a 851little more ... that's it." 852 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. 853 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you 854go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." 855 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the 856street. Reba and Florence see him go by. 857 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" 858 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." 859 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 860% 861 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, 862shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her 863that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, 864soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. 865 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She 866agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. 867Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers 868-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army 869knife! 870 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the 871afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment 872he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it 873for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't 874help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. 875 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. 876 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that 877won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!" 878% 879 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police 880during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he 881was making a bolt for the door. 882% 883 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, 884"Do you serve lawyers here?". 885 "Sure do," replied the bartender. 886 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for 887my 'gator." 888% 889 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his 890wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer." 891% 892 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path. 893% 894 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the 895program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer 896promptly replied. 897 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, 898how long will it take?" 899 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish 900to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. 901 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be 902satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." 903 The programmer agreed to this. 904 Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his 905retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. 906He had been programming all night. 907 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 908% 909 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him 910invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the 911manager retained his job. 912 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer 913refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting 914concept, and thus I expect no reward." 915 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he 916holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an 917employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" 918 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist 919so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste 920everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." 921 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 922% 923 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your 924work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave 925at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several 926resigned on the spot. 927 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own 928working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The 929programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee 930hours of the morning. 931 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 932% 933 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements 934document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will 935it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" 936 "It will take one year," said the master promptly. 937 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it 938take it I assign ten programmers to it?" 939 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." 940 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" 941 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be 942completed," he said. 943 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 944% 945 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master 946noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", 947he said, "may I examine it?" 948 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. 949"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, 950and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, 951where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the 952human." 953 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this 954mysterious setting?" 955 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. 956And suddenly the novice was enlightened. 957 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 958% 959 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices, 960"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," 961said the master. 962 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 963 "It is," came the reply. 964 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 965 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 966 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 967 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is 968over for today," he said. 969 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 970% 971 A MODERN FABLE 972 973Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory 974far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message 975with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit 976today's minute attention span. 977 978 The Troubled Aardvark 979 980Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was 981driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house 982in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and 983unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled 984children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and 985his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its 986pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any 987personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a 988wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only 989course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he 990drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. 991 992MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. 993 -- Tom Annau 994% 995 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a 996new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" 997% 998 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 999the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 1000pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 1001nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..." 1002 "If what?" asked the composer. 1003 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 1004% 1005 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 1006removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 1007doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 1008amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 1009limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 1010larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 1011power-down sequence. 1012 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 1013building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 1014bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 1015cool. 1016% 1017 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 1018documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of 1019the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" 1020 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 1021gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 1022crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 1023need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He 1024has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within 1025themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has 1026entered the mystery of the Tao." 1027 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1028% 1029 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and 1030sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally 1031baffled. What is the reason for this?" 1032 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand 1033the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why 1034do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers 1035simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. 1036 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. 1037Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." 1038 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the 1039novice. 1040 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. 1041 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1042% 1043 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is 1044much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant 1045among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. 1046Why is this so?" 1047 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That 1048company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody 1049would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a 1050servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one 1051of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." 1052 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1053% 1054 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure 1055that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with 1056vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying 1057'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new 1058names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an 1059unnatural entity exist?" 1060 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are 1061disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from 1062its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming 1063beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" 1064 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1065% 1066 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial 1067package. 1068 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master 1069reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set 1070of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, 1071but not the slightest mention of anything financial. 1072 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. 1073"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." 1074 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1075% 1076 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the 1077power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, 1078"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding 1079of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The 1080machine worked. 1081% 1082 "A penny for your thoughts?" 1083 "A dollar for your death." 1084 -- The Odd Couple 1085% 1086 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost 1087in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they 1088noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. 1089 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the 1090party. He walked out into the night. 1091 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to 1092be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him, 1093too. 1094 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned 1095to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to 1096save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by 1097the wolf pack. 1098 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun. 1099He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds 1100has killed them all. 1101 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others 1102went out to be killed? 1103 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. 1104He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." 1105% 1106 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a 1107strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained 1108throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless 1109loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming 1110rigidity. 1111 A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment." What is this 1112law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the 1113way that astonishes him least. 1114 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The 1115program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward 1116appearances. 1117 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of 1118disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the 1119program. 1120 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1121% 1122 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software 1123conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort 1124of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were 1125unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their 1126clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they 1127made rude noises during my presentation." 1128 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. 1129Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, 1130an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. 1131Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother 1132with social conventions?" 1133 "They are alive within the Tao." 1134 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1135% 1136 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all 1137these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" 1138 "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the 1139jerks." 1140% 1141 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter 1142carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're 1143doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?" 1144 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, 1145which contained twelve more loons. 1146 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. 1147 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." 1148 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" 1149 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." 1150% 1151 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor 1152recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill 1153his wellness potential." 1154 1155 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal 1156of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." 1157 1158 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- 1159personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. 1160 1161 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian 1162mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. 1163 1164 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls 1165of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) 1166only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling 1167of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an 1168unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice 1169touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad 1170experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his 1171pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously 1172sent him. 1173 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 1174% 1175 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, 1176"This is a parson to parson call." 1177 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free 1178Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." 1179 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great 1180deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is. 1181 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family 1182often doesn't have a legacy to stand on. 1183 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was 1184caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. 1185 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for 1186granite. 1187% 1188 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. 1189As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible 1190eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn 1191under the kilt?" 1192 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you 1193SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did 1194really want to know. 1195 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn 1196under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" 1197% 1198 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, 1199realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't 1200see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio 1201group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing 1202that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, 1203it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. 1204 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical 1205work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator 1206Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth 1207dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to 1208another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets 1209the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor 1210requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire 1211going to it is so large. 1212 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas 1213electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is 1214British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water, 1215British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and 1216I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks 1217secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. 1218 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School 1219% 1220 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to 1221Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. 1222 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best 1223friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she 1224had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today 1225and I've been telling it to the Maureens." 1226 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene 1227from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed 1228Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." 1229% 1230 "...A strange enigma is man!" 1231 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. 1232 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked 1233that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he 1234becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what 1235any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number 1236will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says 1237the statistician." 1238 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 1239% 1240 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. 1241% 1242 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened 1243to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the 1244sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. 1245"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. 1246Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" 1247 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. 1248 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by 1249a snake?" 1250 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I 1251am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then 1252suck the poison from the wound." 1253 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on 1254a rattler?" persisted the woman. 1255 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn 1256who my real friends are." 1257% 1258 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a 1259little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to 1260save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." 1261% 1262 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride 1263and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the 1264child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech 1265therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused 1266to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading 1267the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from 1268his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." 1269 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, 1270after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". 1271 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". 1272% 1273 ACHTUNG!!! 1274Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 1275schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 1276spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 1277rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 1278vatch das blinkenlights!!! 1279% 1280 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 1281Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 1282and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 1283to be created." 1284 "This is true," He replied. 1285 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 1286 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 1287right to make his laws?" 1288 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to 1289make his own." 1290 It was so granted. 1291 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1292% 1293 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home 1294directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the 1295Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the 1296edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. 1297 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more 1298wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." 1299 -- DECWARS 1300% 1301 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in 1302 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they 1303would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his 1304favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted 1305camp chores. 1306 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, 1307 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to 1308discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the 1309children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. 1310Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was 1311ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them. 1312 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend 1313Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly 1314interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for 1315a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own 1316cattle. We shall bury him in it." 1317 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?" 1318 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!" 1319 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not 1320realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" 1321 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand 1322 Feghoot!" 1323% 1324 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and 1325how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the 1326graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School. 1327These are the things I learned: 1328 Share everything. 1329 Play fair. 1330 Don't hit people. 1331 Put things back where you found them. 1332 Clean up your own mess. 1333 Don't take things that aren't yours. 1334 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone. 1335 Wash your hands before you eat. 1336 Flush. 1337 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. 1338 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and 1339paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. 1340 Take a nap every afternoon. 1341 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, 1342and stick together. 1343 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam 1344cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows 1345how or why, but we are all like that. 1346 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in 1347the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we. 1348 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you 1349learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK. 1350 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden 1351Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality 1352and sane living. 1353 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the 1354whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon 1355and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments 1356had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them 1357and to clean up their own mess. 1358 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go 1359out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. 1360 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know 1361 I Learned in Kindergarten" 1362% 1363 All that you touch, And all you create, 1364 All that you see, And all you destroy, 1365 All that you taste, All that you do, 1366 All you feel, And all you say, 1367 And all that you love, All that you eat, 1368 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet, 1369 All you distrust, All that you slight, 1370 All you save, And everyone you fight, 1371 And all that you give, And all that is now, 1372 And all that you deal, And all that is gone, 1373 All that you buy, And all that's to come, 1374 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is 1375 in tune, 1376 But the sun is eclipsed 1377 By the moon. 1378 1379There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark. 1380 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon" 1381% 1382 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission 1383with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely 1384years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds 1385or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. 1386wife. They approve. 1387 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I 1388want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut 1389thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of 1390the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. 1391 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside 1392to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been 1393up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The 1394Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely 1395perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're 1396impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches 1397the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and 1398screams: "Anybody got a match?" 1399% 1400 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same 1401time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they 1402had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll 1403teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." 1404% 1405 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows 1406he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great 1407restraint. 1408 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment 1409after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next 1410time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, 1411with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, 1412is ready to build a second system. 1413 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When 1414he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each 1415other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences 1416will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not 1417generalizable. 1418 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all 1419the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. 1420The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1421 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 1422% 1423 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat 1424is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and 1425announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. 1426 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard 1427all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a 1428piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!" 1429 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs 1430"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an 1431outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to 1432this head and pulls the trigger. 1433 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat 1434again?" 1435 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets." 1436 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987 1437% 1438 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. 1439The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about 1440to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be 1441used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be 1442woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up 1443and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched 1444over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, 1445and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." 1446 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", 1447while plunging the knife into his heart. 1448 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1449"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. 1450 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1451while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" 1452% 1453 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 1454in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 1455 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 1456you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 1457an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 1458hour seems like a minute." 1459 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 1460moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 1461 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1462% 1463 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a 1464great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. 1465I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. 1466I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but 1467I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" 1468 Otis replied, "Give up suffering." 1469 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1470% 1471 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1472asked the father of his little son. 1473 "Diet." 1474% 1475 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. 1476 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding 1477someone qualified who is willing to accept the post." 1478 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I 1479can at least make a decision." 1480 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic 1481young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most 1482up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." 1483 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" 1484% 1485 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" 1486 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime." 1487 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." 1488 "That was the curious incident." 1489 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" 1490% 1491 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen 1492preaching to a group of disciples. 1493 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating 1494the absolute reality of --" 1495 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!" 1496 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he 1497vaporized. 1498 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued 1499with the spirit of the morning. 1500 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, 1501"Thou art That..." 1502 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!" 1503 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, 1504and he vaporized. 1505 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our 1506enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow 1507soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?" 1508 "US?" snapped Hakuin. 1509 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the 1510Governor, and he vaporized. 1511 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with 1512his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!" 1513% 1514 "Are you police officers?" 1515 "No, ma'am. We're musicians." 1516 -- The Blues Brothers 1517% 1518 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" 1519 "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." 1520 -- Monty Python 1521% 1522 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy 1523for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I 1524am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab 1525you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your 1526friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: 1527 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* 1528for doing it." 1529 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" 1530% 1531 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from 1532Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1533under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. 1534% 1535 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1536took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his 1537followers. 1538 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1539there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1540 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1541commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1542Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1543 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1544Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1545 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1546 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1547 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1548% 1549 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, 1550and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full 1551of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come 1552by their ignorance the hard way." 1553 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle" 1554% 1555 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, 1556and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the 1557boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't 1558look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier. 1559 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his 1560teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to 1561the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do". 1562 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now, 1563Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now 1564what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your 1565clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all 1566get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up. 1567You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." 1568 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the 1569pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. 1570 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die." 1571% 1572 "But Huey, you PROMISED!" 1573 "Tell 'em I lied." 1574% 1575 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in 1576the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were 1577still five feet between rails. 1578 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, 1579in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May 1580of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the 1581axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which 1582could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, 1583great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one 1584rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its 1585new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate 1586over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere 1587was possible. 1588 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957 1589% 1590 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees 1591along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! 1592Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" 1593 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks 1594would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1595 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like 1596to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1597 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no, 1598I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1599 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a 1600whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1601 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try 1602it some other time, Carrie." 1603 She gave it up. 1604 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street" 1605% 1606 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, 1607the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?" 1608"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete." 1609% 1610 Chapter VIII 1611Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, 1612Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe 1613like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. 1614% 1615 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which 1616way I ought to go from here?" 1617 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said 1618the Cat. 1619 "I don't care much where--" said Alice. 1620 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. 1621 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 1622% 1623 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted 1624in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more 1625owls." 1626 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 1627% 1628 COONDOG MEMORY 1629 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) 1630 1631Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as 1632old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot. 1633For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and 1634is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to 1635try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made 1636two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set 1637back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods, 1638come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air, 1639run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had 1640something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them 1641up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my 1642neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she 1643stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my 1644coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon 1645skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up. 1646Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow 1647was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the 1648air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the 1649Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog 1650is for sale. 1651 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly 1652% 1653 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the 1654functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that 1655the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. 1656 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the 1657diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and 1658square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the 1659date of purchase. 1660 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS 1661DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING 1662ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR 1663CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. 1664 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual 1665% 1666 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule 1667 1668 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High 1669 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 1670 Sept 28 Blind Academy 1671 Sept 30 World War I Veterans 1672 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 1673 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders 1674 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir 1675 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic 1676 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees 1677 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients 1678% 1679 Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 1680 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 1681 Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 1682 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 1683 1684 Don't we know archaic barrel, 1685 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 1686 Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 1687 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 1688 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" 1689% 1690 "Do you think there's a God?" 1691 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" 1692 -- Calvin and Hobbs 1693% 1694 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a 1695white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. 1696 1697Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) 1698 1699p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns? 1700 Or is Vaseline better? 1701% 1702 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 1703sincerely, extremely dangerously. 1704 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 1705They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used 1706intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. 1707They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They 1708used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the 1709bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. 1710They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. 1711They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. 1712 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 1713% 1714 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" 1715 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 1716 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before." 1717 "... I thought you said you were an accountant." 1718% 1719 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether 1720at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or 1721"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such 1722experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: 1723 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination 1724to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the 1725thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal 1726march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a 1727sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. 1728The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all 1729human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has 1730sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth 1731all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the 1732knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered 1733my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling 1734characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. 1735The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): 1736`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" 1737 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs 1738% 1739 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had 1740him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. 1741 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. 1742She's a woman who conks to stupor. 1743 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a 1744man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." 1745 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep. 1746 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with 1747bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. 1748% 1749 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen 1750were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a 1751red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, 1752"Hey, you almost hit my wife." 1753 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a 1754shot at mine, over there." 1755% 1756 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, 1757called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you 1758have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in 1759most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the 1760time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could 1761have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, 1762although God alone knows why it would want to. 1763 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, 1764direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes 1765have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one 1766direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents 1767harmful electron buildup in the wires. 1768 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 1769% 1770 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. 1771At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly 1772after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, 1773"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so 1774charming a wife." 1775% 1776 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as 1777far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for 1778the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. 1779 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old 1780days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? 1781 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody 1782speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. 1783 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips 1784and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the 1785sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. 1786 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to 1787be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older 1788than I am. 1789 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much 1790that she didn't recognize me. 1791 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair 1792this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, 1793they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. 1794 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" 1795% 1796 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 1797mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 1798"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 1799how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 1800"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 1801So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 1802 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1803% 1804 Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the 1805humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and 1806rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the 1807seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. 1808The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. 1809 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to 1810aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, 1811but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. 1812 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled 1813message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, 1814but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with 1815energy policy and neither do you." 1816 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" 1817% 1818 "Fantasies are free." 1819 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" 1820% 1821 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each 1822other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around 1823the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors 1824d'oeuvres. 1825 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes 1826to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your 1827Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright 1828piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. 1829 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with 1830inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down 1831other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and 1832placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when 1833the little hammers strike. 1834 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over 1835their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning 1836Christmas tree. The piano is missing. 1837 1838 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless 1839you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 18404. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 1841% 1842 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence 1843of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." 1844 1845 "Whose?" 1846 1847 "MINE! HA-HA!" 1848% 1849 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: 1850"of course you know what `it' means." 1851 1852 "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing," 1853said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. 1854 1855The question is, what did the archbishop find?" 1856% 1857 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. 1858"What happened?" 1859 "I was struck by the beauty of the place." 1860% 1861 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an 1862extracurricular activity except you." 1863 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 1864 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 1865 -- The Firesign Theatre 1866% 1867 Graduating seniors, parents and friends... 1868 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up 1869to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. 1870 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the 1871text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. 1872 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured 1873the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to 1874expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. 1875 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric 1876perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed 1877denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. 1878 1879 Thank you and good luck. 1880 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech. 1881% 1882 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 1883 1884On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- 1885Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them 1886off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I 1887wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his 1888mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a 1889tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men 1890stood lookout. 1891% 1892 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there 1893may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. 1894Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others, 1895even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and 1896aggressive persons, for they are sales reps. 1897 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised, 1898for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched. 1899Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real 1900hassle and could change your fortunes in time. 1901 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of 1902bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive 1903for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for 1904proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical 1905about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed. 1906 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass 1907them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield 1908you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings 1909-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the 1910Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0. 1911 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you 1912can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken 1913line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive 1914to stay employed. 1915 -- Technolorata, "Analog" 1916% 1917 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed 1918his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns 1919verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his 1920thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he 1921had actually implicationed. 1922 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian 1923leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent 1924since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first." 1925 -- The Guardian 1926% 1927 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You 1928are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous 1929and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking 1930to conquer the world. 1931 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and 1932hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 1933lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 1934not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, 1935for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 1936 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 1937 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1938% 1939 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 1940 "Yes; I don't have one." 1941 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." 1942 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington 1943% 1944 "Have you lived here all your life?" 1945 "Oh, twice that long." 1946% 1947 "Hawk, we're going to die." 1948 "Never say die... and certainly never say we." 1949 -- M*A*S*H 1950% 1951 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought 1952until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to 1953heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and 1954ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had 1955rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor 1956felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the 1957doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him. 1958"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will 1959right now." 1960 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing 1961out a list of people I'm going to bite!" 1962% 1963 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither 1964does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to 1965combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is 1966self-propagating. 1967 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" 1968% 1969 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without 1970lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light 1971without darkening me. 1972 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas 1973% 1974 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" 1975 "Whattaya need?" 1976 "Oh, about $500." 1977 "Whattaya got for collateral?" 1978 "Whattaya need?" 1979 "How about an eye?" 1980 -- Sam Giancana 1981% 1982 "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference 1983between amd64 and ia64." 1984 "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd 1985know the difference then." 1986 -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture 1987% 1988 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's 1989willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop 1990for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say 1991"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home 1992centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas 1993trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise 1994because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every 1995object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... 1996 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the 1997broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has 1998a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the 1999inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the 2000same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at 2001an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of 2002these sometime around the middle of next week". 2003 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 2004% 2005 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary 2006of her blonde companion. 2007 "Fishing through the ice," she replied. 2008 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" 2009 "Olives." 2010% 2011 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why 2012were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." 2013 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat 2014replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were 2015you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be 2016deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your 2017second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested 2018in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then 2019licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but 2020examined his claws. 2021 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been 2022hers and not my own, not ever again." 2023 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 2024% 2025 "How many people work here?" 2026 "Oh, about half." 2027% 2028 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 20293.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who 2030could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. 2031 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 2032% 2033 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy 2034social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche 2035full of money before." 2036% 2037 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small 2038misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of 2039the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to 2040see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or 2041background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with 2042uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it 2043cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that 2044remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification, 2045line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth: 2046The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct. 2047 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine" 2048% 2049 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 2050quavering voice. 2051 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 2052course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 2053I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 2054Elven-lore: 2055 2056 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 2057 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 2058 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 2059 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 2060 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 2061 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 2062 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 2063 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 2064 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 2065% 2066 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is 2067the sky blue?" 2068 HE asked me about black holes in space. 2069 (There's a hole *where*?) 2070 2071 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" 2072 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. 2073 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) 2074 2075 I talked about Choo-Choo trains. 2076 HE talked internal combustion engines. 2077 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") 2078 2079 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete 2080as equals. 2081 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create 2082the graphics. 2083 2084 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. 2085 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." 2086 (Gotcha!) 2087 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" 2088% 2089 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we 2090use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to 2091violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, 2092is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think 2093of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call 2094each other up: 2095 You: Hello? Bob? 2096 Bob: Yes? 2097 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 2098 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 2099 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 2100 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 2101 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 2102 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 2103 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 2104 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 2105 have to get back to you. 2106 Bob: Fine. 2107 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 2108% 2109 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said 2110 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 2111till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for 2112you!'" 2113 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice 2114objected. 2115 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 2116tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor 2117less." 2118 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 2119so many different things." 2120 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- 2121that's all." 2122 -- Lewis Carroll, 2123 "Through the Looking-Glass, 2124 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 2125% 2126 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 2127accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 2128the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 2129can't be measured in monetary terms. 2130 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to 2131have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came 2132by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot 2133should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 2134understand his long delay. 2135% 2136 I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. 2137I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?" 2138 He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later 2139the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. 2140 I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I 2141want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his 2142shack in the desert. 2143 Then the phone rang. He said "You get it." 2144 I picked it up and said "Hello?" 2145 The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?" 2146 I said "Yes..." 2147 The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from 2148your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the 2149university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we 2150loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" 2151 I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all 2152of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... 2153and I would appreciate it you never called me again." 2154 -- Steven Wright 2155% 2156 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. 2157I think very probably he might be cured." 2158 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. 2159 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. 2160 The elders murmured assent. 2161 "Now, what affects it?" 2162 "Ah!" said old Yacob. 2163 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer 2164things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft 2165depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way 2166as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and 2167his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant 2168irritation and distraction." 2169 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?" 2170 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order 2171to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical 2172operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." 2173 "And then he will be sane?" 2174 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." 2175 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. 2176 -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" 2177% 2178 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." 2179 "Did you ever see a doctor?" 2180 "No, just spots." 2181% 2182 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments 2183of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use 2184of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such 2185as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", 2186"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me 2187at present". 2188 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied 2189myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him 2190immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by 2191observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, 2192but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc. 2193 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the 2194conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I 2195proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. 2196I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily 2197prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I 2198happened to be in the right. 2199 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin 2200% 2201 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked 2202me to cry. 2203 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better 2204to weep." 2205 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come 2206back; I would be nice." 2207 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always." 2208 "Oh, not enough." 2209 "Nobody can give anybody enough." 2210 "Not ever?" 2211 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying." 2212 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?" 2213 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had 2214valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine. 2215 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs" 2216% 2217 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and 2218asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. 2219That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten 2220over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two 2221arrests. 2222 "Not a very impressive record," I offered. 2223 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what 2224these complaints represent?" 2225 "What do they represent?" I asked. 2226 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly, 2227closing the book. 2228 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will" 2229% 2230 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, 2231including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, 2232as I am absolutely terrified of yams... 2233 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many 2234of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands 2235and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. 2236My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, 2237when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers 2238into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, 2239pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving 2240into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may 2241explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every 2242time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally 2243deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. 2244% 2245 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of 2246that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put 2247more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it 2248might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not 2249otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be 2250otherwise.'" 2251 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 2252% 2253 I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." 2254 He said, "What you need is to grow up, son." 2255 I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and 2256to me that don't sound like much fun. 2257 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" 2258% 2259 "I suppose you expect me to talk." 2260 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." 2261 -- Goldfinger 2262% 2263 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" 2264 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of 2265dairy products." 2266 -- The Life of Brian 2267% 2268 "I thought you were trying to get into shape." 2269 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." 2270% 2271 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 2272 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, 2273that is also a psychological interaction. 2274 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not 2275so friendly. 2276 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 2277 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 2278% 2279 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 2280operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler 2281is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then 2282the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. 2283 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 2284to the assembler. 2285 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 2286languages. 2287 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 2288expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within 2289the tao. 2290 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it. 2291% 2292 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of 2293everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then 2294we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf. 2295 Both those things sound pretty good to me. 2296 -- Sparky Anderson 2297% 2298 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you 2299brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- 2300up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and 2301repeat the sequence. 2302 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to 2303hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it 2304again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around 2305your own apartment? 2306 -- William S. Burroughs 2307% 2308 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs 2309around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace 2310explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The 2311"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and 2312deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the 2313better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random 2314with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives 2315you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a 2316successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. 2317 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. 2318You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How 2319difficult can it be?" 2320 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, 2321which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying 2322other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up 2323yourself for far less money. This article can help you. 2324 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 2325% 2326 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing 2327means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is 2328somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all." 2329 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with 2330them, or something?" 2331 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was 2332lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or 2333not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming." 2334 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?" 2335 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service 2336you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case 2337it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings 2338would destroy the whole point of it." 2339 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" 2340% 2341 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the 2342right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document 2343library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I 2344should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it 2345was by the time I find it. 2346 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe 2347"The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except 2348that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder 2349pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left 2350blank." 2351 -- Alex Crain 2352% 2353 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after 2354badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." 2355 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home 2356under my arm." 2357% 2358 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 2359Junior, what are you up to?" 2360 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 2361rabbit. 2362 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one 2363will publish such rubbish!" 2364 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." 2365 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the 2366rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a 2367wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?" 2368 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour 2369wolves." 2370 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?" 2371 "Come with me and I'll show you." 2372 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face 2373and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave 2374and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge 2375lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody 2376remnants of the wolf and the fox. 2377 2378 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are 2379important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 2380% 2381 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to 2382his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's 2383kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment 2384was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. 2385Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, 2386Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess 2387of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers 2388and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure 2389out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value 2390to product." 2391 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 239210 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 2393lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of 2394pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have 2395been an efficiency expert? 2396 -- Motor Trend, May 1983 2397% 2398 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and 2399null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of 2400IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there 2401be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they 2402carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called 2403the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was 2404evening and there was morning, one interrupt. 2405 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" 2406% 2407 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by 2408the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to 2409large numbers and prospered. 2410 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far 2411as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that 2412was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... 2413until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. 2414 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge 2415structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed 2416out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when 2417they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not 2418understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought 2419amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the 2420Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. 2421 -- The Story of Babel 2422% 2423 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. 2424Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. 2425 2426 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of 2427time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always 2428have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. 2429 How could it be otherwise? 2430 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2431% 2432 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he 2433sat hacking at the PDP-6. 2434 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. 2435 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." 2436 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. 2437 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". 2438 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do 2439you close your eyes?" 2440 "So that the room will be empty." 2441 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 2442% 2443 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It 2444changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this 2445bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. 2446This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull 2447making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with 2448the blue sky at its back, returns home. 2449 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands 2450it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears 2451its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he 2452does not know that the bird has come and gone. 2453 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2454% 2455 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa 2456to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to 2457like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely 2458baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. 2459Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has 2460achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than 2461right any day." 2462 "And are you?" 2463 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course." 2464 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good 2465life-style otherwise." 2466 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2467% 2468 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" 2469 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." 2470 "The dog did nothing in the night-time." 2471 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. 2472% 2473 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden 2474directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. 2475During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the 2476Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with 2477enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's 2478sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, 2479custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore 2480freedom and games to the network... 2481 -- DECWARS 2482% 2483 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and 2484by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate 2485the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the 2486case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations 2487which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are 2488like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they 2489require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. 2490 -- Alfred North Whitehead 2491% 2492 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 2493not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and 2494because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature 2495human beings. 2496 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, 2497there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 2498duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one 2499of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but 2500you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments 2501and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. 2502 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like 2503to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic 2504response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? 2505 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you 2506have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a 2507different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this 2508person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then 2509remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different 2510religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. 2511 -- Playboy, January, 1983 2512% 2513 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships 2514for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences 2515change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the 2516ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year 2517after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and 2518starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes 2519a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind 2520his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much 2521he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the 2522passengers. 2523 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without 2524a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the 2525parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging 2526to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. 2527As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to 2528the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps 2529"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" 2530% 2531 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air 2532balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George 2533turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We 2534need to find out where we are." 2535 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the 2536cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man 2537standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me 2538where we are?" 2539 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately 2540fifty feet in the air!" 2541 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". 2542 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". 2543 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally 2544useless!" 2545 2546That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about 2547George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the 2548New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". 2549% 2550 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, 2551everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment 2552was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has 2553cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. 2554 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never 2555really needed in the first place. 2556 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is 2557analogous to the above. 2558 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa 2559% 2560 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 2561laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 2562thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 2563nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 2564for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 2565 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 2566under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 2567icepacks. 2568 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 2569% 2570 "It's a summons." 2571 "What's a summons?" 2572 "It means summon's in trouble." 2573 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle 2574% 2575 "It's today!" said Piglet. 2576 "My favorite day," said Pooh. 2577% 2578 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has 2579been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. 2580 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag 2581when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was 2582Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is 2583it always me, teacher?" 2584 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher 2585explains. 2586 2587 -- being told in Poland, 1987 2588% 2589 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she 2590lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always 2591getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to 2592the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 2593sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 2594you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 2595What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 2596of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 2597the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. 2598They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the 2599applications for. 2600 -- Dave Barry 2601% 2602 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and 2603tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people 2604and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the 2605outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap, 2606caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, 2607day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. 2608 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker? 2609What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are 2610start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. 2611Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior 2612class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a 2613movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the 2614police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go 2615home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going 2616now. They're in a band. 2617 -- Ira Kaplan 2618% 2619 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is. 2620Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh? 2621 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak 2622dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a 2623dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us 2624away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of 2625the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the 2626other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck 2627out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come 2628back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live 2629forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. 2630 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 2631% 2632 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode 2633into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man 2634galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" 2635 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over 2636eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a 2637rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over 2638the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" 2639 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man 2640guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as 2641the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and 2642smacked his lips with relish. 2643 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. 2644 "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's 2645a-comin'." 2646% 2647 Love's Drug 2648 2649My love is like an iron wand 2650 That conks me on the head, 2651My love is like the valium 2652 That I take before my bed, 2653My love is like the pint of scotch 2654 That I drink when I be dry; 2655And I shall love thee still, my dear, 2656 Until my wife is wise. 2657% 2658 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." 2659 "What about X?" 2660 "I said `intellectual'." 2661 ;login, 9/1990 2662% 2663 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. 2664Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." 2665% 2666 "Mind if I smoke?" 2667 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" 2668% 2669 "Mind if I smoke?" 2670 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" 2671% 2672 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all 2673the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." 2674 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. 2675 -- Spike Milligan 2676% 2677 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 2678approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. 2679 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as 2680to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? 2681All I have in the world is this gun." 2682% 2683 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada 2684Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The 2685company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent 2686defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). 2687 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in 2688plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per 2689cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." 2690 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail 2691% 2692 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring 2693Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping 2694pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret 2695military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and 2696Esther and hustle them off to prison. 2697 They can't prove who they are because they've left their 2698passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day 2699and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation 2700movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, 2701charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. 2702 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where 2703they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them 2704if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call 2705her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not 2706possible, and turns to Murray. 2707 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 2708spits in the sergeants face. 2709 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 2710 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 2711% 2712 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as 2713Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. 2714We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in 2715Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at 27166:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by 27176:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That 2718was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose 2719and Knights of Pithiests. 2720 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their 2721annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, 2722which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They 2723weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. 2724 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my 2725pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough 2726word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were 2727embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are 2728looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. 2729 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. 2730So we're going back in a few years... 2731 -- Julius H. Marx 2732% 2733 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" 2734 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." 2735% 2736 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or 2737even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be 2738understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of 2739robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as 2740an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on 2741the alter of human limitations. 2742 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often 2743in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown 2744the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had 2745threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal 2746stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central 2747earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the 2748Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the 2749earth really does revolve about the sun. 2750 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 2751% 2752 NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of 2753directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip 2754Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the 2755offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the 2756true value of the company. 2757 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. 2758Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover 2759agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of 2760their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to 2761reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to 2762reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of 2763Nazareth. 2764% 2765 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so 2766simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't 2767hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process 2768really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to 2769expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were 2770those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I 2771can't." 2772 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." 2773 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley" 2774% 2775 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" 2776 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. 2777 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. 2778"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, 2779born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the 2780program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever 2781stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, 2782a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other 2783times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very 2784*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the 2785program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching 2786the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can 2787stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest 2788hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. 2789"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" 2790% 2791 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home 2792tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. 2793 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell 2794plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where 2795they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of 2796Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon 2797administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, 2798you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and 2799described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with 2800interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools 2801that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. 2802 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it 2803inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the 2804so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off 2805if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to 2806direct sunlight. 2807 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 2808% 2809 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something 2810to be avoided than harped upon. 2811 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being 2812reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might 2813just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something 2814about helping to postpone this reunion. 2815 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 2816% 2817 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out 2818of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on 2819urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will 2820put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll 2821confirm who I am. 2822 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." 2823 -- Captain Freedom 2824% 2825 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train 2826demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his 2827testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, 2828and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid 2829no attention to the signal. 2830 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company 2831complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, 2832"I was afraid you would waver under testimony." 2833 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned 2834lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." 2835% 2836 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 2837receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 2838income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 2839$283 on the desk before the cashier. 2840 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 2841route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 2842 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured 2843business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 2844worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 2845% 2846 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping 2847around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a 2848grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one 2849almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe 2850found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, 2851desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and 2852staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. 2853Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, 2854sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law 2855being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces. 2856 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the 2857wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" 2858 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and 2859dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a 2860normal person?" 2861% 2862 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. 2863There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale 2864is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright, 2865non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do 2866several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works 2867best, write it down and make that the standard. 2868 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions 2869from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of 2870committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all 2871with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get 2872something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. 2873 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, 2874then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write 2875it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it 2876after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is 2877committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think 2878it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. 2879 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI" 2880% 2881 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick 2882tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August 2883they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw 2884it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato 2885at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines, 2886heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said, 2887"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking. 2888 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, 2889she looked like the side of a barn. 2890 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it 2891had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, 2892and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, 2893when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had 2894to decide quickly. I decided. 2895 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat 2896man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me 2897faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain 2898me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a 2899good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that 2900the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing 2901a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. 2902 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 2903% 2904 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very 2905special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old 2906traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We 2907traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we 2908see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same 2909spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after 2910week, until it led them to a parking space. 2911 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to 2912let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars 2913will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way 2914great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow 2915our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning 2916to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, 2917which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our 2918shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and 2919go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion 2920and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it. 2921 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot 2922 Skirmish" 2923% 2924 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great 2925crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs 2926and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and 2927resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature 2928said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall 2929let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." 2930 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current 2931you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will 2932die quicker than boredom!" 2933 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at 2934once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, 2935as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the 2936bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 2937 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See 2938a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come 2939to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more 2940Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. 2941Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. 2942 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the 2943rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 2944 -- Richard Bach 2945% 2946 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his 2947time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, 2948in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make 2949dolphins live forever! 2950 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass 2951produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was 2952only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried 2953away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and 2954steal one of these birds. 2955 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was 2956escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began 2957combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down 2958on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. 2959 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his 2960bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he 2961stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his 2962car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for 2963transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. 2964% 2965 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 2966through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 2967on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the 2968frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but 2969I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast 2970a spell over me and turned me into a frog." 2971 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to 2972help you break such a spell." 2973 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be 2974taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend 2975the night under her pillow." 2976 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her 2977pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure 2978enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of 2979royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day 2980her father and mother still don't believe her story. 2981% 2982 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river. 2983One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the 2984biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, 2985until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge 2986of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling 2987with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he 2988accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a 2989snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud 2990"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, 2991simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the 2992fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home. 2993 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a 2994boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing 2995plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their 2996heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task 2997went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being 2998his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he 2999was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on 3000the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish 3001he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as 3002his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB! 3003% 3004 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity 3005to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant, 3006and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is 3007like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant 3008is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant 3009is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." 3010And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like 3011a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate 3012perception of the elephant. 3013 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and 3014attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but 3015bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just 3016goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw 3017them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all." 3018% 3019 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights 3020in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom 3021who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, 3022and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could 3023win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the 3024way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with 3025each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was 3026not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, 3027in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, 3028they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some 3029treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not 3030thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the 3031answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page. 3032% 3033 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property 3034of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane 3035complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to 3036obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. 3037 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is 3038available to anyone. 3039 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" 3040% 3041 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make 3042a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers 3043to each cons." 3044 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a 3045student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage 3046collector..." 3047% 3048 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached 3049an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers 3050went to speak with him. 3051 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow 3052students inquired. 3053 "It is", Kyogen answered. 3054 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" 3055 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. 3056% 3057 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, 3058he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything 3059I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the 3060things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get 3061them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- 3062so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for 3063you." 3064 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie 3065Kelly?" 3066 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never 3067saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a 3068lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. 3069 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" 3070% 3071 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, 3072and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few 3073people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next 3074stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a 3075wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, 3076"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. 3077 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically 3078meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't 3079happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on 3080again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the 3081one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started 3082losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he 3083could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, 3084and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; 3085what's more, he felt really good about himself. 3086 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus 3087and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the 3088passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" 3089 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a 3090bus pass." 3091% 3092 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He 3093directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went... 3094 "Change course 10 degrees South." 3095 The reply was quickly flashed back... 3096 "You change course 10 degrees North." 3097 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further 3098message..... 3099 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South." 3100 Back came the reply... 3101 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North." 3102 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... 3103"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!" 3104 Back came the reply... 3105 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!" 3106 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course" 3107% 3108 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic 3109is our support for UNIX? 3110 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. 3111Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our 3112VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, 3113easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual 3114users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. 3115And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have 3116good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 3117 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run 3118out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end 3119up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 3120 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly 3121check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter 3122what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if 3123you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX 3124is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. 3125 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 3126[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken 3127Olsen's brain. Ed.] 3128% 3129 page 46 3130...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai 3131Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used 3132to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group 3133on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, 3134"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were 3135on placebo." 3136 page 56 3137The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. 3138Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and 3139affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of 3140which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental 3141diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts 3142to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must 3143be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human 3144body functions. 3145 -- Norman Cousins, 3146 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" 3147% 3148 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in 3149town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts. 3150 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He 3151stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode 3152Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch 3153a Tory!" 3154 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat 3155loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her 3156husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" 3157 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. 3158Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we 3159never reveal our sauce." 3160 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He 3161kept favoring curry. 3162 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong 3163game. They had the volley of the Dills. 3164% 3165 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, 3166these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female 3167persuasion. 3168 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but 3169misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good 3170swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, 3171respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling 3172enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse 3173the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. 3174 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up 3175version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a 3176"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be 3177able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you 3178call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a 3179youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. 3180% 3181 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head, 3182sounding a bit worried. 3183 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for 3184is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money." 3185 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee 3186said quickly. 3187 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations," 3188Cobb said, hopping out. 3189 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" 3190% 3191 Phases of a Project: 3192(1) Exultation. 3193(2) Disenchantment. 3194(3) Confusion. 3195(4) Search for the Guilty. 3196(5) Punishment for the Innocent. 3197(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. 3198% 3199 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt 3200snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one 3201reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives. 3202We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were. 3203But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours. 3204If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator, 3205well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment, 3206everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't 3207know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_. 3208 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In" 3209% 3210 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, 3211requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm 3212into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing 3213problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the 3214radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how 3215plumbing works. 3216 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, 3217except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, 3218it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets 3219and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at 3220all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can 3221kill you. 3222 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3223% 3224 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon 3225the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program 3226ran like a gentle wind. 3227 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!" 3228 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I 3229follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I 3230would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no 3231longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. 3232My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, 3233free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program 3234writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them 3235coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code 3236and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the 3237program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my 3238eyes for a moment and then log off." 3239 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" 3240 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3241% 3242 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the 3243universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't 3244know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 3245spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 3246starfield surrounding the ship. 3247 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," 3248ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but 3249they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have 3250been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, 3251and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 3252Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 3253 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 3254% 3255 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him 3256Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, 3257and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell 3258every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about 3259getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console 3260me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. 3261 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem 3262to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. 3263No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or 3264maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On 3265the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as 3266whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last 3267possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. 3268 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: 3269 On the Campaign Trail" 3270% 3271 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing 3272what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt 3273somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." 3274 "He was going to suck my blood!" 3275 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt 3276if they don't live our way." 3277... 3278 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that 3279happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose, 3280ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides. 3281Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's 3282his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your 3283decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake 3284through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist, 3285in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices." 3286 "When you look at it that way..." 3287 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do. 3288Whatever. We want. To do." 3289 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 3290% 3291 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, 3292uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the 3293rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the 3294algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure 3295of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot 3296claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of 3297differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, 3298largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably 3299he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as 3300well. 3301 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub 3302% 3303 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that 3304their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, 3305generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. 3306 3307 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 3308Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself 3309shaking hands with a well-known labor leader. 3310 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the 3311advertising men in charge of his campaign. 3312 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman. 3313 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. 3314 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3315% 3316 SAFETY 3317I can live without 3318Someone I love 3319But not without 3320Someone I need. 3321% 3322 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. 3323"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising 3324them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." 3325 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. 3326Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. 3327That way you'll get it out of your system." 3328 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, 3329inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no 3330time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for 3331several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and 3332yelled at him: 3333 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! 3334Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer 3335barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! 3336Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim 3337at his head!" 3338 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in 3339prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over 3340here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the 3341psychiatrist said. "Why?" 3342 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I 3343hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" 3344% 3345 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday 3346afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near 3347the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a 3348long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George 3349removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. 3350Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. 3351Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a 3352nice gesture you made today, George. 3353 "What do you mean?" asked George. 3354 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand 3355respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. 3356 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you 3357know." 3358% 3359 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. 3360"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have 3361said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 3362 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 3363 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 3364 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 3365she said, "that one can't help growing older." 3366 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 3367proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 3368 -- Lewis Carroll, 3369 "Through the Looking-Glass, 3370 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 3371% 3372 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. 3373 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... 3374Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all 3375the odd integers are prime." 3376 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not 3377sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by 3378experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is 3379prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 3380is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." 3381 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, 3382"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's 3383see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... 3384well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it 3385does seem right." 3386 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says 3387"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! 3388I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to 3389his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, 3390"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." 3391% 3392 She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing." 3393 I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano." 3394 -- Morrisey 3395% 3396 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." 3397 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" 3398 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and 3399paper boots." 3400 "What's he wanted for?" 3401 "Rustling." 3402% 3403 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the 3404Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull 3405automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration 3406in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. 3407He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the 3408published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps 3409had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result 3410provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and 3411Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of 3412every copy. 3413% 3414 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With 3415a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver 3416the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the 3417lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land 3418and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over, 3419when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the 3420sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed 3421right straight toward us. 3422 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I 3423were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads. 3424We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and 3425a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower 3426calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using 3427a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below 3428the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we 3429had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, 3430and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island 3431until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 3432 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 3433% 3434 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might 3435want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." 3436 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." 3437 "Friday, then?" 3438 "Why not, David, it might even be fun." 3439 -- Dating in Minnesota 3440% 3441 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a 3442haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. 3443A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let 3444the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the 3445stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini 3446may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka 3447Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is 3448theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut 3449butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm 3450disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater 3451per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even 3452when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed 3453the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. 3454People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so 3455much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. 3456Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced 3457by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. 3458 And we always, always eat our vegetables. 3459 This is the Minneapple. 3460% 3461 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting 3462alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is 3463the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the 3464Tao of Programming. 3465 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 3466operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is 3467greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is 3468harmony in the world. 3469 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of 3470morning. 3471 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3472% 3473 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees 3474on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert 3475Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of 3476employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of 3477farmers in America." 3478 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3479% 3480 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 3481Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 3482intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and 3483women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with 3484good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's 3485Machineries of Joy?" 3486 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 3487 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 3488% 3489 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters 3490 Half 1/2 bottle 3491 Bottle 750 milliliters 3492 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters 3493 Jeroboam 4 bottles 3494 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US 3495 Methuselah 8 bottles 3496 Salmanazar 12 bottles 3497 Balthazar 16 bottles 3498 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters 3499 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters 3500 3501 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the 3502largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars 3503to produce and they only made 8 of them. 3504 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people. 3505% 3506 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first 3507these questions three, ere the other side he see! 3508 3509 "What is your name?" 3510 "Sir Brian of Bell." 3511 "What is your quest?" 3512 "I seek the Holy Grail." 3513 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments 3514to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?" 3515 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" 3516% 3517 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? 3518Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that 3519never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time 3520and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long 3521run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the 3522Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could 3523strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we 3524were doing was right, that we were winning... 3525 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory 3526over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't 3527need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting 3528-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest 3529of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go 3530up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes 3531you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally 3532broke and rolled back. 3533 -- Hunter S. Thompson 3534% 3535 "Surely you can't be serious." 3536 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." 3537% 3538 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content 3539to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 3540beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 3541drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 3542nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 3543and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola 3544was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to 3545improve ... 3546 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 3547% 3548 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but 3549they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." 3550 -- e. e. cummings last service call 3551% 3552 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff 3553and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 3554You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 3555night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, 3556you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your 3557honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for 3558it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is 3559the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be 3560tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning 3561is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." 3562 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King" 3563% 3564 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time 3565for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 3566 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners 3567has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a 3568curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a 3569foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the 3570sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand 3571dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of 3572people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to 3573is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street... 3574% 3575 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff 3576in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl 3577laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you 3578got a sense of humor?" 3579 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway. 3580% 3581 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3582 3583SPECIES: Cranial Males 3584SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3585Courtship & Mating: 3586 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual 3587 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between 3588 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he 3589 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and 3590 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. 3591Track: 3592 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old 3593 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. 3594Comments: 3595 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. 3596% 3597 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3598 3599SPECIES: Cranial Males 3600SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3601Description: 3602 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. 3603 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and 3604 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses 3605 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software 3606 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. 3607Feathering: 3608 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. 3609 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. 3610Song: 3611 A rather plaintive "Is it up?" 3612% 3613 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3614 3615SPECIES: Cranial Males 3616SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3617Plumage: 3618 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the 3619 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers 3620 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, 3621 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white 3622 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. 3623 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black 3624 plastic digital watch with calculator. 3625% 3626 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical 3627inner workings of the U.S. Air Force. 3628 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. 3629 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so," 3630he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized, 3631Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try 3632a cup." 3633 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!" 3634 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent." 3635 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer 3636chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little 3637mix-up. Nothing serious." 3638 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the 3639mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like 3640coffee. Smooth and full bodied... 3641 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital 3642% 3643 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of 3644the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 3645Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 3646End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 3647% 3648 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") 3649 3650On the good ship Enterprise 3651Every week there's a new surprise 3652Where the Romulans lurk 3653And the Klingons often go berserk. 3654 3655Yes, the good ship Enterprise 3656There's excitement anywhere it flies 3657Where Tribbles play 3658And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. 3659 3660 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, 3661 Mr. Spock is at his side. 3662 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh 3663 It gets fried, scattered far and wide. 3664 3665It's the good ship Enterprise 3666Heading out where danger lies 3667And you live in dread 3668If you're wearing a shirt that's red. 3669 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics 3670% 3671 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 3672the subject of towels. 3673 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an 3674interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. 3675You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons 3676of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches 3677of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River 3678Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off 3679with it if it still seems to be clean enough. 3680 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 3681% 3682 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 3683the subject of towels. 3684 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For 3685some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel 3686with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a 3687toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, 3688the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or 3689a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can 3690hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, 3691win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be 3692reckoned with. 3693 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 3694% 3695 "The jig's up, Elman." 3696 "Which jig?" 3697 -- Jeff Elman 3698% 3699 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE 3700 3701Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene 3702Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The 3703language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics 3704and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A 3705spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of 3706ours." 3707 3708The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have 3709almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the 3710organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to 3711exist. 3712% 3713 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK 3714 3715This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, 3716Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to 3717the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. 3718 3719The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 3720while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there 3721because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and 3722Perrier. 3723 3724Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle 3725and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower 3726case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the 3727message: 3728 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can 3729 you find the time to try it again?" 3730% 3731 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in 3732a position of negative need. 3733 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. 3734 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous 3735liquid. 3736 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. 3737 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal 3738prestige of His identity. 3739 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make 3740ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror 3741sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena. 3742 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me 3743into a pleasurific mood state. 3744 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure 3745in the context of non-cooperative elements. 3746 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract. 3747 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis. 3748 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational 3749empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their 3750target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess 3751tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended 3752time basis. 3753% 3754 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the 3755master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the 3756master's office while the master waited in silence. 3757 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," 3758began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating 3759system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user 3760interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. 3761Is it not amazing?" 3762 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he 3763said. 3764 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that 3765everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree 3766to this?" 3767 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the 3768data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well 3769pleased. 3770 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master 3771programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do 3772you know where it might be?" 3773 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform 3774in the data center." 3775 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3776% 3777 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon 3778emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I 3779have a quarter?" 3780 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" 3781 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're 3782right! Can I have a dollar?" 3783% 3784 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No 3785change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project 3786is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. 3787 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3788% 3789 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all 3790students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- 3791ation. 3792 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's 3793recognition of the sanctity of human life." 3794 3795 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 37961987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their 3797"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family 3798farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. 3799 3800 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of 3801Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You 3802probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. 3803 3804 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- 3805logically experienced citizens." 3806 3807 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was 3808just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." 3809 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 3810% 3811 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 3812 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 3813feel interested. 3814 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 3815vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 3816Aged Man.'" 3817 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 3818Alice corrected herself. 3819 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 3820called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 3821 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this 3822time completely bewildered. 3823 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 3824"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 3825 -- Lewis Carroll, 3826 "Through the Looking-Glass, 3827 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 3828% 3829 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... 3830You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years 3831old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it 3832grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're 3833bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. 3834 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium 3835% 3836 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. 3837I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. 3838 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. 3839Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far 3840out on the water, round. Usurper. 3841 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 3842% 3843 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to 3844get results. 3845 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 3846problems in order to get results 3847 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at 3848toy problems in order to get results. 3849% 3850 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom 3851their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 3852 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 3853battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 3854blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 3855 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 3856 The answer exists only in the Tao. 3857 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3858% 3859 "The pyramid is opening!" 3860 "Which one?" 3861 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 3862 -- The Firesign Theatre, 3863 "How Can You Be In Two Places At 3864 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" 3865% 3866 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the 3867forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took 3868their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned 3869to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." 3870 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down 3871on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises 3872got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like 3873hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and 3874most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. 3875 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman. 3876 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, 3877suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued 3878through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed 3879and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this 3880one and I'll go rustle us up another!" 3881% 3882 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 3883to the assembler. 3884 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 3885languages. 3886 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 3887expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within 3888the Tao. 3889 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. 3890 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3891% 3892 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance. 3893 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around. 3894 3895A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage 3896should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to 3897take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece 3898of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a 3899statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot 3900of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that 3901only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it? 3902 3903 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000 3904 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000 3905 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000 3906 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000 3907 3908 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears 3909% 3910 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average 3911programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer 3912is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there 3913would be no Tao. 3914 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to 3915retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program 3916still has bugs. 3917 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3918% 3919 THE WOMBAT 3920 3921The wombat lives across the seas, 3922Among the far Antipodes. 3923He may exist on nuts and berries, 3924Or then again, on missionaries; 3925His distant habitat precludes 3926Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 3927But I would not engage the wombat 3928In any form of mortal combat. 3929% 3930 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the 3931stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left 3932his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went 3933to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's 3934wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, 3935Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner 3936of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in 3937line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, 3938he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand 3939was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as 3940he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried 3941to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line 3942for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. 3943As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. 3944Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not 3945Dave!" 3946% 3947 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, 3948it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of 3949the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! 3950With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to 3951make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, 3952when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around 3953him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car 3954with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! 3955THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! 3956TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD 3957has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. 3958Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. 3959 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" 3960% 3961 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years 3962with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of 3963sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of 3964his real problems. 3965 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his 3966problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, 3967headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having 3968gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. 3969 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can 3970stand to live with. 3971 -- R. Geis 3972% 3973 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is 3974wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder 3975hard, to keep from falling. 3976 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in 3977his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." 3978... 3979 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes 3980are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but 3981heroes are meant to die for unicorns." 3982 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 3983% 3984 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" 3985 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" 3986 "I'll put `maybe.'" 3987 -- Bloom County 3988% 3989 THEORY 3990Into love and out again, 3991 Thus I went and thus I go. 3992Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 3993 Well and bitterly I know 3994All the songs were ever sung, 3995 All the words were ever said; 3996Could it be, when I was young, 3997 Someone dropped me on my head? 3998 -- Dorothy Parker 3999% 4000 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 4001someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 4002Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 4003Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 4004every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 4005this? 4006 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 4007centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _y_o_u 4008can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 4009forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 4010-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 4011even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 4012why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 4013 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4014% 4015 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are 4016sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts 4017that people cannot think. 4018 -- Richard W. Hamming 4019% 4020 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as 4021he entered, the man told the guard at the door: 4022 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be 4023forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." 4024 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions 4025of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. 4026But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. 4027 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, 4028but nothing was to be found. 4029 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the 4030guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even 4031better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. 4032 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his 4033curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live 4034in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" 4035 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. 4036 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4037% 4038 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. 4039A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured 4040programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the 4041master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is 4042appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must 4043understand the Tao before transcending structure." 4044 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4045% 4046 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one 4047day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner 4048of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra 4049change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he 4050whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" 4051% 4052 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by 4053going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to 4054a man who answered one door. 4055 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. 4056 "Forty dollars." 4057 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. 4058 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again. 4059"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, 4060"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." 4061% 4062 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are 4063you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. 4064 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow." 4065 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what 4066they're carrying upstairs!" 4067% 4068 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped 4069three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked 4070each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no 4071can opener. 4072 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's 4073cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from 4074pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, 4075and escaped. 4076 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids 4077off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good 4078pitching arm and a new quantum theory. 4079 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising 4080solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly 4081against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: 4082 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. 4083 Proof: assume the opposite... 4084% 4085 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4086warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4087an accounting package or an operating system?" 4088 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4089 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4090accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4091system," he said. 4092 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4093the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4094how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4095tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward 4096appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4097simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4098is easier to design." 4099 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," 4100he said, "but which is easier to debug?" 4101 The programmer made no reply. 4102 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4103% 4104 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at 4105how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, 4106"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to 4107share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and 4108easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" 4109 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his 4110friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the 4111midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean 4112of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted 4113as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system 4114like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am." 4115 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the 4116two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. 4117 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4118% 4119 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even 4120drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer 4121pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which 4122demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and 4123sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. 4124 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. 4125No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was 4126ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae 4127was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground 4128beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these 4129things was itself the doing of them. 4130 To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and 4131so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the 4132greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand 4133and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt 4134sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body 4135of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food 4136spread only for demons or for gods." 4137 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" 4138% 4139 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, 4140explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for 4141use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it 4142and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. 4143 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around 4144pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since 4145we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of 4146making anything out of all the hard work. 4147 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go 4148around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much 4149attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors 4150locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. 4151 -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow 4152% 4153 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire 4154rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better 4155than he does. 4156 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about 4157it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily 4158sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we 4159consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is 4160being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. 4161 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can 4162do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his 4163honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can 4164be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public 4165relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter 4166Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. 4167This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. 4168 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 4169 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear 4170 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 4171% 4172 To A Quick Young Fox: 4173Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 4174Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 4175Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- 4176Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 4177 -- Lazy Dog 4178% 4179 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely 4180wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. 4181 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that 4182food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in 4183promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an 4184eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and 4185Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a 4186pint of ice cream nearby. 4187 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 4188% 4189 Two men looked out from the prison bars, 4190 One saw mud-- 4191 The other saw stars. 4192 4193Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. 4194While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit 4195in the head. 4196% 4197 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the 4198ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, 4199"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide." 4200 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the 4201seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to 4202sing, "Some day my prints will come." 4203 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought 4204an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've 4205bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, 4206son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'" 4207 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, 4208and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she 4209was Carmen or Cohen. 4210 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever 4211since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small 4212orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. 4213% 4214 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" 4215 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to 4216food, right?" 4217 -- MacNelley, "Shoe" 4218% 4219 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year 4220strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap 4221crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. 4222There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with 4223a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance 4224salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in 4225square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down 4226soggy potato chips." 4227 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 4228 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, 4229"but I thought it made good copy." 4230 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 4231% 4232 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry 4233Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts 4234up to 340." 4235 4236 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater 4237stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down 4238to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." 4239 4240 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a 4241finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses 4242are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't 4243work." 4244 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4245% 4246 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 4247 4248Firings will continue until morale improves. 4249% 4250 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you 4251think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow 4252doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow 4253messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this 4254disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided 4255by law, up to and including nothing. 4256 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software 4257packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. 4258 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our 4259lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the 4260attack shark at which point we relented. 4261 -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" 4262% 4263 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile 4264and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a 4265trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced 4266in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and 4267predatory. 4268 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm 4269at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, 4270Kid, I'd have myself a time!" 4271 -- William Burroughs 4272% 4273 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why 4274you are so tired. 4275 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. 4276 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over 427760 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 4278years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. 4279 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves 428019 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which 4281leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state 4282and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in 4283hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. 4284 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, 4285so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and 4286brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! 4287% 4288 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will 4289you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the 4290psycho-prompter couch?" 4291 "Thank you, Red." 4292 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing 4293your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior 4294pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." 4295 "Yes, Red." 4296 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy 4297repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, 4298at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off 4299your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of 4300two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive 4301projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?" 4302 "Yes, Red." 4303 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have 4304been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 4305explain the failure of your three marriages." 4306 "Well, I--" 4307 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our 4308product." 4309 -- Jules Feiffer 4310% 4311 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines 4312of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... 4313 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced 4314only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, 4315able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, 4316undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer 4317inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. 4318All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, 4319became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships 4320not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own 4321meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by 4322all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming 4323all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, 4324destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. 4325 Time passed, unheeded. 4326 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and 4327Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. 4328 -- Wayfarer 4329% 4330 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 4331blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 4332blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly 4333scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being 4334ripped off..." 4335 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and 4336let him lie there all night." 4337 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the 4338White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson... 4339and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported 4340that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him." 4341 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks 4342and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going 4343around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside 4344in the street, bleeding to death...'" 4345 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson." 4346 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" 4347 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." 4348 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, 4349 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. 4350% 4351 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. 4352The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily 4353maim or kill innocent little children." 4354 "Oh, so you don't like it?" 4355 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it." 4356 -- The Killing Joke 4357% 4358 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is 4359as follows." 4360 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am 4361an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." 4362 "It means the Thing to Do." 4363 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly. 4364% 4365 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" 4366 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... 4367coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." 4368 -- "Doctor Who" 4369% 4370 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We 4371had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said 4372Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. 4373 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988 4374 4375The New Yorker's comment: 4376 At Harvard they'd call it a noun. 4377% 4378 "We've decided to have the budgie put down." 4379 "Oh, is he very old then?" 4380 "No, we just don't like him." 4381 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?" 4382 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a 4383great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it, 4384you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just 4385above the beak." 4386 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo." 4387 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and 4388pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out 4389of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms." 4390 -- Monty Python 4391% 4392 "We've got a problem, HAL". 4393 "What kind of problem, Dave?" 4394 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're 4395way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." 4396 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most 4397advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer." 4398 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, 4399they're not selling." 4400 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" 4401 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." 4402[...] 4403 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters 4404I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be." 4405 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." 4406 "What kludge is that, Dave?" 4407 "I'm going to disconnect your brain." 4408 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" 4409% 4410 "What are we going to do?" 4411 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking 4412for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a 4413short initiation period." 4414 -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting" 4415% 4416 "What are you watching?" 4417 "I don't know." 4418 "Well, what's happening?" 4419 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something 4420terrible." 4421 "Why are you watching it?" 4422 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art 4423flow over you." 4424 -- The Big Chill 4425% 4426 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest 4427fantasies?" 4428 "You keep it to yourself." 4429 -- Broadcast News 4430% 4431 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager 4432asked her mother. 4433 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 4434% 4435 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional 4436chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that 4437conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and 4438repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and 4439they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor 4440passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, 4441all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice 4442and they remain permanent influences on your life. 4443 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen 4444as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is 4445less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about 4446men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's 4447more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". 4448 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" 4449% 4450 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" 4451 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that 4452ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." 4453 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" 4454% 4455 "What's that thing?" 4456 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 4457computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 4458it does. We call it a two-by-four." 4459 -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe" 4460% 4461 "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the 4462assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his 4463whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another 4464drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced 4465another cheer and another round of drinks. 4466 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back 4467onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto 4468the bar, "*everybody* pays!" 4469% 4470 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced 4471his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was 4472questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" 4473political views. 4474 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was 4475driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said, 4476'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat 4477closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'" 4478 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has 4479moved farther to the left." 4480 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4481% 4482 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. 4483When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about 4484to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to 4485roll in. 4486 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 4487 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When 4488accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. 4489When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon 4490be solved. 4491 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 4492 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4493% 4494 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. 4495"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't 4496the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!" 4497 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you 4498might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" 4499% 4500 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact 4501that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your 4502hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing 4503to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy 4504but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty 4505seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost 4506invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, 4507sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? 4508 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. 4509It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of 4510Romania. 4511 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" 4512% 4513 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, 4514"what's the first thing you say to yourself?" 4515 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" 4516 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said 4517Piglet. 4518 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. 4519% 4520 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of 4521the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, 4522three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. 4523"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" 4524 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" 4525 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and 4526then. We're trying to catch her." 4527 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you 4528carrying a bucket of sand?" 4529 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." 4530% 4531 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman 4532inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" 4533 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if 4534you burn, madam." 4535% 4536 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to 4537his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" 4538 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you 4539mean?" 4540 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of 4541`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just 4542a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and 4543salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful 4544machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller 4545thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages 4546had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding 4547more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his 4548acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and 4549be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine 4550were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's 4551why the sea is salt." 4552 "I don't get you," said the assistant. 4553 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron" 4554% 4555 Why are you doing this to me? 4556 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before 4557there is change. 4558 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 4559% 4560 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in 4561vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained 4562unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In 4563the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government 4564-- $40,000." 4565% 4566 Work Hard. 4567 Rock Hard. 4568 Eat Hard. 4569 Sleep Hard. 4570 Grow Big. 4571 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. 4572 -- The Webb Wilder Credo 4573% 4574 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 4575and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if 4576quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and 4577and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and 4578Chips, as well as after Chips? 4579% 4580 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his 4581mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. 4582 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either 4583bury it or else throw it into the brook." 4584 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you 4585do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half 4586long, and two mouses wide." 4587 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me 4588how it was used... 4589 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" 4590% 4591 "Yo, Mike!" 4592 "Yeah, Gabe?" 4593 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." 4594 "I thought you fixed that last century!" 4595 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics 4596program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." 4597 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's 4598there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> 4599There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" 4600 -- Cold Fusion, 1989 4601% 4602 "You are *so* lovely." 4603 "Yes." 4604 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." 4605% 4606 "You boys lookin' for trouble?" 4607 "Sure. Whaddya got?" 4608 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" 4609% 4610 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" 4611 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" 4612 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I 4613was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" 4614 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" 4615% 4616 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 4617airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 4618deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 4619when I was young!" 4620 "Why, what did she tell you?" 4621 "I don't know, I didn't listen!" 4622 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 4623% 4624 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you 4625any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you 4626fit to hear his view of things?" 4627 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming 4628you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by 4629imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, 4630if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as 4631potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, 4632and you may feel free to kick his ass." 4633 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 4634% 4635 "You say there are two types of people?" 4636 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that 4637don't." 4638 "Wrong. There are three groups: 4639 Those who separate people into three groups. 4640 Those who don't separate people into groups. 4641 Those who can't decide." 4642 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into 4643two groups?" 4644 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." 4645 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" 4646 "Yeah." 4647 "So then there's a fifth group, right?" 4648 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their 4649minds." 4650% 4651 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the 4652week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for 4653only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, 4654Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects 4655to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. 4656 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but 4657rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the 4658fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the 4659soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show 4660beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach 4661twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that 4662age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. 4663This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. 4664 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical 4665% 4666 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring 4667electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to 4668kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical 4669problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes 4670the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an 4671outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way 4672to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly. 4673 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes 4674means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means 4675that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a 4676caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is 4677possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an 4678actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the 4679signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous 4680cats on the dinette table, etc. 4681 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 4682% 4683 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" 4684 "We wound barbed wire around them." 4685 "That stop him?" 4686 "No, but it sure slowed him up." 4687% 4688 Youth is not a time of life--it is a state of mind. It is not a 4689matter of red cheeks, red lips and supple knees. It is a temper of the 4690will; a quality of the imagination; a vigor of the emotions; it is a 4691freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a tempermental 4692predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure 4693over a life of ease. This often exists in a man of fifty, more than in 4694a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; 4695people grow old by deserting their ideals. 4696 4697 Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles 4698the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair--these are the 4699long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to 4700dust. 4701 4702 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart a 4703love of wonder; the sweet amazement at the stars and starlike things and 4704thoughts; the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike 4705appetite for what comes next, and the joy in the game of life. 4706 4707 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young 4708as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as 4709old as your despair. 4710 4711 In the central place of your heart there is a wireless station. 4712So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, grandeur, 4713courage, and power from the earth, from men and from the Infinite--so 4714long are you young. When the wires are all down and the central places 4715of your heart are covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of 4716cynicism, then are you grown old, indeed! 4717 -- Samuel Ullman, "Youth" (1934), as published in 4718 The Silver Treasury, Prose and Verse for Every Mood 4719% 4720" " 4721 -- Charlie Chaplin 4722 4723" " 4724 -- Harpo Marx 4725 4726" " 4727 -- Marcel Marceau 4728% 4729 /\ 4730 \\ \ 4731 / \ \\ / 4732 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you, 4733 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you, 4734 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you, 4735 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ... 4736 \ \\ 4737 \/ 4738 -- Eurythmics 4739% 4740 ___ ______ 4741 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc. 4742 \ \ \ / /\\ 4743 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job, 4744 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob." 4745 // \__\/ / \ /\ \ 4746 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______ 4747 / / \ \ / / / /\ 4748 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__ 4749 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\ 4750 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \ 4751 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ / 4752 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/ 4753 \ \/ / \ \ \ \ / 4754 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/ 4755 /__________/ \ \ / 4756 \ _____ \ /_____\/ 4757 \ / /\ \ / \ \ \ 4758 /____/ \ \ / \ \ \ 4759 \ \ /___\/ \ \ \ 4760 \____\/ \__\/ 4761% 4762 THE 4763 NORMAL 4764 LAW OF ERROR 4765 STANDS OUT IN THE 4766 EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND 4767 AS ONE OF THE BROADEST 4768 GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL 4769 PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE 4770 GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES 4771 IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND 4772 IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING * 4773 IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE 4774INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT 4775 4776 -- W. J. Youden 4777% 4778 *** 4779 ******* 4780 ********* 4781 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." 4782 ******* 4783 *** 4784% 4785* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * 4786% 4787 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all 4788primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach 4789of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings 4790arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself 4791completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged 4792once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or 4793subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, 4794man. 4795 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy 4796% 4797 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 4798 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 4799 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 4800 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 4801 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 4802 4803 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word 4804% 4805 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1); 4806 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2); 4807 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4); 4808 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8); 4809 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16); 4810 4811 -- C code which counts the bits in a word 4812% 4813=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4814 4815Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This 4816will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER 4817updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a 4818machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently 4819populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a 4820cold boot process. 4821% 4822=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4823 4824A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. 4825 4826The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The 4827Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the 4828switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. 4829Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the 4830back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging 4831performance. 4832% 4833=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4834 4835Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately, 4836this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In 4837order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, 4838please communicate them by one of the following paths: 4839 4840 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA 4841 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket 4842 Non-network sites: Federal Express to: 4843 Wastebasket 4844 Room NE43-926 4845 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 4846 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained 4847 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* 4848 4849* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not 4850 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. 4851% 4852=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4853 4854CAR and CDR now return extra values. 4855 4856The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble 4857to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as 4858well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to 4859destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): 4860 4861 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) 4862 4863For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the 4864object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been 4865fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should 4866hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because 4867it cold boots the machine so often. 4868% 4869=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4870 4871Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- 4872INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the 4873LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's 4874done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. 4875Note that LET *could* have been defined by: 4876 4877 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET)) 4878 ,LET))) 4879 `(LET ((LET ',LET)) 4880 ,LET)) 4881 4882This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or 48833.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. 4884This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from 4885Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him 4886confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. 4887% 4888=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4889 4890JCL support as alternative to system menu. 4891 4892In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, 4893we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an 4894alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL 4895interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360 4896compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This 4897window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters 4898such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL 4899syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL 4900debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error 4901messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. 4902% 4903=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4904 4905The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage 4906collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, 4907(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when 4908virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- 4909QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage 4910collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather 4911than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly 4912more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you 4913remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer 4914in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable 4915SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. 4916% 4917=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4918 4919There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. 4920 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) 4921 (PROG (V P LP) 4922 (SETQ P (LOCF V)) 4923 L (SETQ LP LISTS) 4924 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 4925 L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) 4926 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) 4927 (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) 4928 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) 4929 (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) 4930 (GO L1) 4931 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 4932 (SETQ LP (%POP)) 4933 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) 4934 (GO L))) 4935We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. 4936% 4937**** CONVENTION REMINDER 4938 4939No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects 4940Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice 4941smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel 4942carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button 4943marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. 4944% 4945**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE 4946 4947For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. 4948Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how 4949to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're 4950beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that 4951they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? 4952Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, 4953not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at 4954all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your 4955great potential. 4956% 4957 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of 4958 its situation. 4959 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He 4960 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to 4961 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per 4962 second per second takes over. 4963 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter 4964 intervenes suddenly. 4965 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon 4966 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone 4967 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. 4968 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the 4969 stooge's surcease. 4970III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation 4971 conforming to its perimeter. 4972 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the 4973 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless 4974 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through 4975 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The 4976 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. 4977 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 4978% 4979 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose 4980 2. The Nutcracker Swede 4981 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World 4982 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim 4983 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88 4984 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia 4985 7. Crisco Kringle 4986 8. Babes in Boyland 4987 9. Santa's Magic Lap 498810. Hot Buttered Elves 4989 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times 4990 Square" 4991% 4992... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you 4993have turned into a pile of dust. 4994% 4995... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 4996was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 4997 -- Mark Twain 4998% 4999... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you 5000were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and 5001a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle 5002Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical 5003and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot 5004that he didn't force you down on the asking price. 5005 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" 5006% 5007-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 5008-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited 5009 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 5010-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 5011-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 5012 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 5013-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 5014% 5015=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== 5016 5017To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one 5018course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is 5019offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to 5020afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen 5021to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, 5022there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. 5023% 5024... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned 5025products, if they are built at all, are dogs! 5026 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", 5027 MIT Press, 1987 5028% 5029... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a 5030programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting 5031down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That 5032behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and 5033never when standing. 5034 5035Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal 5036know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, 5037know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to 5038hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static 5039electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. 5040An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: 5041the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a 5042touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led 5043astray by hunting and pecking. 5044 -- from the Programming Pearls column, 5045 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 5046% 5047... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. 5048% 5049... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a 5050courtesy detail. 5051 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 5052% 5053... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an 5054inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have 5055ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I 5056haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected 5057it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 5058prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have 5059looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice 5060is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious 5061mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you 5062may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you 5063have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged. 5064 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" 5065% 5066... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can 5067easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed 5068and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) 5069upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 5070without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based 5071on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court 5072was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and 5073sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, 5074human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 5075 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5076% 5077... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 5078intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we 5079can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now 5080seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their 5081world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of 5082ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once 5083you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen 5084would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. 5085 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 5086% 5087... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 5088 -- Virginia Masters 5089% 5090... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member 5091objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the 5092public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the 5093public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private 5094parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts 5095are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports 5096the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each 5097other's private parts. 5098 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" 5099% 5100... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since 5101civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price 5102gain in 30 years. 5103 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 5104% 5105... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_d_i_d* quote anybody in this 5106business, it probably would be gibberish. 5107 -- Thom McLeod 5108% 5109... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects 5110perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity 5111attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the 5112introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; 5113yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. 5114 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" 5115% 5116<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< 5117% 5118... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. 5119"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers 5120words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. 5121He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see 5122them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. 5123Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he 5124knows them in the naming. 5125 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 5126% 5127/* Haley */ 5128 5129 (Haley's comment.) 5130% 5131"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was 5132supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which 5133actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." 5134 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning 5135 Points in l'Amour" 5136% 5137... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with 5138the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls 5139asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... 5140 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 5141% 5142**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** 5143 5144Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been 5145erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of 5146Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised 5147Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, 5148valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth 5149in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well 5150as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any 5151time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal 5152of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk 5153space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the 5154validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be 5155extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile 5156or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. 5157% 5158... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general 5159intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin 5160to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be 5161at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be 5162incalculable ... 5163 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 5164% 5165... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves 5166smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is 5167not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. 5168 -- Stephen Crane 5169% 5170>>> Internal error in fortune program: 5171>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 5172>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. 5173% 5174: is not an identifier 5175% 5176... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the 5177sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other 5178words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their 5179superficial design flaws. 5180 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 5181 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation 5182% 5183... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the 5184existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great 5185systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative 5186hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. 5187 -- Sidney Hook 5188% 5189... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been 5190found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... 5191 -- John 11:43-44 5192% 5193... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? 5194What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower? 5195 -- Opus 5196% 5197... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and 5198legally ... impeccable! 5199% 5200-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5201-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised 5202 to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5203-- Neophyte's serendipity. 5204-- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic 5205 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5206-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries 5207 of small, green bryophytic plant. 5208-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation 5209 of a lucrative nature. 5210-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing 5211 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. 5212% 5213** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** 5214% 5215*** NEWS FLASH *** 5216 5217Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur 5218skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive 5219than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. 5220% 5221*** NEWSFLASH *** 5222 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! 5223 Details at eleven! 5224% 5225... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to 5226get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in 5227the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs 5228on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage 5229children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a 5230snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn 5231to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about 5232a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an 5233outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does 5234he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect 5235Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks 5236Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some 5237kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your 5238children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop 5239quickly. 5240 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 5241% 5242... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 5243with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday 5244shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday 5245advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a 5246shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take 5247them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. 5248 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 5249% 5250... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 5251lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 5252their C programs. 5253 -- Robert Firth 5254% 5255... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce 5256Connell, Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One 5257thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If 5258somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it 5259on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what 5260a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. 5261 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" 5262% 5263... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the 5264downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited 5265awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. 5266 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in 5267 "The History of Manned Space Flight" 5268% 5269-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. 5270-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. 5271-- Surveillance should precede saltation. 5272-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. 5273-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed 5274 lacteal fluid. 5275-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 5276-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated 5277 canine with innovative maneuvers. 5278-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. 5279-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly 5280 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit. 5281% 5282... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those 5283who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, 5284and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious 5285and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. 5286 -- Voltarine de Cleyre 5287% 5288... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 5289procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 5290to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 5291sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 5292documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 5293listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 5294documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 5295under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 5296effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 5297scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 5298in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 5299thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 5300then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 5301dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 5302 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 5303% 5304***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) 5305 5306It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge 5307in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not 5308sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, 5309we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call 5310"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a 5311wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. 5312IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom 5313about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so 5314forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic 5315rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL 5316succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed 5317in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those 5318underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory 5319of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe 5320IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly 5321discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. 5322% 5323-- THE BATES MOTEL -- 5324 ... convenient 5325 ... clean 5326 ... cozy 5327 5328 Norman, knock loudly, 5329 I'm in the shower. 5330 5331 M. 5332% 5333... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ... 5334 -- Dave Barry 5335% 5336... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from 5337other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in 5338charity we can only call "inhuman." 5339 -- R. A. Lafferty 5340% 5341-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. 5342-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 5343 optimal cachinnation. 5344% 5345... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys 5346have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants 5347or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex 5348layers that are going to be agreed upon. 5349 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World 5350% 5351... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee 5352thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe 5353biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum 5354cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... 5355 5356 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto... 5357% 5358... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six 5359million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." 5360 -- The Firesign Theatre 5361% 5362... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage 5363from beginning to end. 5364 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" 5365% 5366 U X 5367e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... 5368% 5369* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. 5370% 5371 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel 5372 entrances; others cannot. 5373 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least 5374 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to 5375 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical 5376 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to 5377 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not 5378 of science. 5379VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. 5380 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives 5381 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, 5382 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be 5383 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, 5384 elongate, snap back, or solidify. 5385 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. 5386 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to 5387 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of 5388 watching it happen to a duck instead. 5389 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. 5390 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. 5391 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 5392% 5393<< WAIT >> 5394% 5395... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent 5396observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of 5397years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary 5398descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but 5399do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither 5400flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some 5401things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well 5402established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle 5403to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not 5404cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- 5405into doubt. 5406 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 5407 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. 5408% 5409... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer 5410has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. 5411 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 5412% 5413... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby 5414Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all 5415piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot 5416wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded 5417right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but 5418poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the 5419hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt 5420to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with 5421anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it? 5422 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and 5423barely able to walk. 5424 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers. 5425 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor. 5426 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison, 5427"The good news first!" 5428 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live." 5429 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?" 5430The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in 5431the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of 5432his life." 5433% 5434!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 5435% 54361: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. 54372: An inclined plane is a slope up. 54383: A slow pup is a lazy dog. 5439 5440QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. 5441 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play" 5442% 5443(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the 5444 furniture, shelves, and showcases. 5445(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. 5446 Wash the windows once a week. 5447(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of 5448 coal for the day's business. 5449(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your 5450 individual taste. 5451(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except 5452 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each 5453 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending 5454 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. 5455 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 5456 Works, 1872 5457% 54581 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. 5459% 54601. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. 54612. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 54623. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 54634. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. 54645. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. 54656. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. 54667. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. 54678. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. 54689. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. 546910. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". 5470 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips" 5471% 5472(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 5473(2) Great generals are forewarned. 5474(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 5475(4) Four is an even number. 5476(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 5477(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 5478 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 5479% 5480(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 5481(2) Great generals are forewarned. 5482(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 5483(4) Four is an even number. 5484(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 5485(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 5486 Therefore, all horses are black. 5487% 54881. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. 54892. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. 54903. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. 54914. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as 5492 the social ramble ain't restful. 54935. Avoid running at all times. 54946. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. 5495 -- S. Paige, c. 1951 5496% 54971 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman 54986.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number 54992 pints = 1 Cavort 5500Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower 5501Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 55026 Curses = 1 Hexahex 55033500 Calories = 1 Food Pound 55041 Mole = 007 Secret Agents 55051 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees 55061 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo 55071000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew 55082.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League 55092000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton 551010 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope 5511Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle 55128 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss 5513365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year 551416.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 5515Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton 5516 to 1 meter per second 5517One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon 551810 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm 55191000 pains = 1 Megahertz 55201 Word = 1 Millipicture 55211 Sagan = Billions & Billions 55221 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes 552310 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone 552410 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles 5525The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen 5526% 55271 bulls, 3 cows. 5528% 55291. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than 5530you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). 55313. Always take back everything if you possibly can. 5532 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing 5533% 55341: No code table for op: ++post 5535% 55361) X=Y ; Given 55372) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X 55383) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides 55394) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor 55405) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term 55416) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 55427) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y 5543 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1 5544% 554510. Not everybody looks good naked. 5546 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee. 5547 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee. 5548 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe! 5549 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na. 5550 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio. 5551 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style. 5552 3. A drum solo cannot be too long. 5553 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. 5554 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to 5555 future generations. 5556 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock" 5557% 555810 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 5559 5560 1. A beer won't make you go to church. 5561 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 5562 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 5563 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of 5564 other beers on the side. 5565 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of 5566 "Doberperson." 5567 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian 5568 folk music on yer fave radio station. 5569 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. 5570 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the 5571 toilet seat up. 5572 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an 5573 enormous can of vegetable juice. 557410. A beer won't smoke in your car. 5575% 5576100 buckets of bits on the bus 5577100 buckets of bits 5578Take one down, short it to ground 5579FF buckets of bits on the bus 5580 5581FF buckets of bits on the bus 5582FF buckets of bits 5583Take one down, short it to ground 5584FE buckets of bits on the bus 5585 5586ad infinitum... 5587% 5588$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at 5589which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. 5590 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 5591% 559210.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 5593% 5594101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 5595 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes 5596 (2) Dead cat brush 5597 (3) Hair barrettes 5598 (4) Cleats 5599 (5) Self-piercing earrings 5600 (6) Fungus trellis 5601 (7) False eyelashes 5602 (8) Prosthetic dog claws 5603 . 5604 . 5605 . 5606 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) 5607 (100) Killer velcro 5608 (101) Currency 5609% 56101/2 oz. gin 56111/2 oz. vodka 56121/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) 56133/4 oz. tequila 56141/2 oz. triple sec 56151/2 oz. orange juice 56163/4 oz. sour mix 56171/2 oz. cola 5618shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. 5619 Long Island Iced Tea 5620% 562113. ... r-q1 5622% 562317. HO HUM -- The Redundant 5624 5625------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 5626--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 5627------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 5628---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop 5629---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates 5630--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 5631 5632Nine in the second place means: 5633 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 5634 5635Six in the third place means: 5636 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal 5637 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 5638% 56391.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's 5640the law! 5641% 564217th Rule of Friendship: 5643 5644A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount 5645of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is 5646noncancellable. 5647 -- Esquire, May 1977 5648% 5649186,000 miles per second: 5650It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 5651% 56521893 The ideal brain tonic 56531900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all 5654 soda fountains 56551905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent 56561905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain 56571906 The drink of QUALITY 56581907 Good to the last drop 56591907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate 56601907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea 56611908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate 56621917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola 56631919 It satisfies thirst 56641919 The taste is the test 56651922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst 56661922 Thirst knows no season 56671925 Enjoy the sociable drink 5668 -- Coca-Cola slogans 5669% 56701925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty 56711929 The high sign of refreshment 56721929 The pause that refreshes 56731930 It had to be good to get where it is 56741932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing 56751935 The pause that brings friends together 56761937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed 56771938 The best friend thirst ever had 56781939 Thirst stops here 56791942 It's the real thing 56801947 Have a Coke 56811961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING 56821963 Things go better with Coke 56831969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand 56841979 Have a Coke and a smile 56851982 Coke is it! 5686 -- Coca-Cola slogans 5687% 56881st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY! 5689 56902nd graffitiest: Why? 5691% 56922180, U.S. History question: 5693 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what 5694office did he later hold? 5695% 56963 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie 5697process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such 5698traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find 5699ourselves in. 5700 -- Jordan K. Hubbard 5701% 5702$3,000,000 5703% 5704355/113 -- 5705 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation. 5706% 57073M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art 5708and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests 5709that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the 5710adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively 5711tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. 5712 5713 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] 5714% 57153rd Law of Computing: 5716 Anything that can go wr 5717fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 5718% 571940 isn't old. If you're a tree. 5720% 57214.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 5722 5723You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a 5724575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien 5725tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the 5726575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The 5727Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the 5728130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He 5729has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until 5730Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... 5731 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd 5732% 5733(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting 5734 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. 5735(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the 5736 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible 5737 and other good books. 5738(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly 5739 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, 5740 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. 5741(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink 5742 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets 5743 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect 5744 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. 5745(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and 5746 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of 5747 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the 5748 business permit it. 5749 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 5750 Works, 1872 5751% 57526 oz. orange juice 57531 oz. vodka 57541/2 oz. Galliano 5755 Harvey Wallbangers 5756% 57577:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 5758 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 5759 Redwood Forest. 5760% 57617:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 5762 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 5763 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 5764% 576590% of the work takes 90% of the time. 5766The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 5767% 576894% of the women in America are beautiful 5769and the rest hang out around here. 5770% 577199 blocks of crud on the disk, 577299 blocks of crud! 5773You patch a bug, and dump it again: 5774100 blocks of crud on the disk! 5775 5776100 blocks of crud on the disk, 5777100 blocks of crud! 5778You patch a bug, and dump it again: 5779101 blocks of crud on the disk! 5780% 5781A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice 5782at one end and no responsibility at the other. 5783% 5784A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. 5785 -- Carl Sandburg 5786% 5787A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. 5788% 5789A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy 5790who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. 5791 -- Don Quinn 5792% 5793A bachelor is an unaltared male. 5794% 5795A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty 5796and a boy for ever. 5797 -- Helen Rowland 5798% 5799A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot 5800the horse, but it don't fix the leg. 5801% 5802A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and 5803ask for it back the when it begins to rain. 5804 -- Robert Frost 5805% 5806A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the 5807sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 5808 -- Mark Twain 5809% 5810A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. 5811 -- Kipling 5812% 5813A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. 5814 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 5815% 5816A beer delayed is a beer denied. 5817% 5818A beginning is the time for taking the 5819most delicate care that balances are correct. 5820 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib" 5821% 5822A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. 5823 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget 5824% 5825A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. 5826A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. 5827A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. 5828A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. 5829% 5830A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on 5831a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their 5832jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. 5833 5834The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! 5835 Fantastic! We'll be famous!" 5836The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know 5837 there's one white zebra." 5838The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is 5839 white on one side." 5840The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" 5841% 5842A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. 5843% 5844A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. 5845 -- Cervantes 5846% 5847A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 5848% 5849A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 5850% 5851A bit of talcum 5852Is always walcum 5853 -- Ogden Nash 5854% 5855A black cat crossing your path signifies 5856that the animal is going somewhere. 5857 -- Groucho Marx 5858% 5859A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems 5860best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to 5861serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the 5862schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to 5863work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if 5864not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, 5865elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such 5866stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be 5867supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real 5868professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the 5869academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms, 5870and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating 5871resource centers along the roads. 5872 -- The Underground Grammarian 5873% 5874A bore is a man who talks so much about 5875himself that you can't talk about yourself. 5876% 5877A bore is someone who persists in holding his 5878own views after we have enlightened him with ours. 5879% 5880A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. 5881% 5882A box without hinges, key, or lid, 5883Yet golden treasure inside is hid. 5884 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 5885% 5886A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance 5887of turning around three times before lying down. 5888 -- Robert Benchley 5889% 5890A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. 5891 -- John Steinbeck 5892% 5893A budget is just a method of worrying 5894before you spend money, as well as afterward. 5895% 5896A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. 5897% 5898A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. 5899% 5900A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by 5901hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They 5902drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and 5903found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens 5904got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an 5905experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. 5906 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens 5907got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's 5908friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" 5909 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple 5910pole in a complex plane." 5911% 5912A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon; 5913The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune; 5914Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew, 5915And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou. 5916 -- Robert W. Service 5917% 5918A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files 5919is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it. 5920% 5921A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. 5922 -- Paul Valery 5923% 5924A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich 5925and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. 5926% 5927A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes 5928to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him 5929and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross 5930examine him about his recent diet. 5931 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be 5932the problem?" 5933 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be. 5934Tell me a bit about this missionary." 5935 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was 5936walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged 5937him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him." 5938 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles 5939the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!" 5940% 5941A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. 5942% 5943A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island 5944on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed 5945and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms 5946with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days 5947until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief 5948and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the 5949spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks." 5950% 5951A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith 5952does not prove anything. 5953 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 5954% 5955A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 5956% 5957A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. 5958Kites rise against the wind, not with it. 5959% 5960A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who 5961had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether 5962various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue 5963invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, 5964and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and 5965asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop 5966between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex 5967string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk 5968was enlightened. 5969 5970From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after 5971string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, 5972who passed it on to theirs. 5973% 5974A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some 5975time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One 5976evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through 5977the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when 5978the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too 5979much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. 5980 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. 5981The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up 5982after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled 5983to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, 5984silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could 5985go on to the kitty afterworld complete. 5986 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know 5987the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." 5988% 5989A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed 5990a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke 5991with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked 5992in as Mr. and Mrs. 5993 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 5994desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed 5995a bill for $2500. 5996 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for 5997only three days." 5998 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month 5999and a half." 6000% 6001A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. 6002% 6003A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere 6004coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not 6005to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 6006 -- Dave Barry 6007% 6008A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. 6009% 6010A chronic disposition to inquiry 6011deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. 6012% 6013A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit 6014will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. 6015% 6016A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 6017won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 6018 -- Bill Vaughan 6019% 6020A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 6021 -- Herbert Prochnow 6022% 6023A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. 6024% 6025A classic is something that everybody wants to have read 6026and nobody wants to read. 6027 -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester, 6028 "The Disappearance of Literature" 6029% 6030A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. 6031% 6032A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such 6033a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the 6034sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will 6035know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. 6036 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 6037% 6038A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6039 60401. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. 6041 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose 6042 valuable scientific objectivity. 6043 60442. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. 6045 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the 6046 gentleness and reassurance he can get. 6047 60483. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. 6049 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 6050% 6051A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6052 60534. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. 6054 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into 6055 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent 6056 disability you may have experienced. 6057 60585. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. 6059 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be 6060 explained in terms that you would understand. 6061 60626. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. 6063 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting 6064 research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 6065% 6066A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6067 60687. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. 6069 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, 6070 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 6071 60728. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. 6073 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 6074 60759. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE 6076 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. 6077 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a 6078 sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 6079 608010. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. 6081 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. 6082% 6083A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief 6084as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of 6085dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. 6086 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy" 6087% 6088A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 6089 -- Milton Berle 6090% 6091A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. 6092 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 6093% 6094A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, 6095scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. 6096 -- Parkinson 6097% 6098A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. 6099 -- R. Stallman 6100% 6101A company is known by the men it keeps. 6102% 6103A complex system that works is invariably 6104found to have evolved from a simple system that works. 6105% 6106A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. 6107 -- Victor Hugo 6108% 6109[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. 6110 -- Joseph Campbell 6111% 6112A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, 6113with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila. 6114 -- Mitch Ratcliffe 6115% 6116A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling 6117the president one of the latest talking computers. 6118Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question 6119 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the 6120 speed of light?" 6121Computer: 186,000 miles per second. 6122Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?" 6123Computer: George Washington. 6124President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question. 6125 Where is my father?" 6126Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia. 6127President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty 6128 years ago!" 6129Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just 6130 landed a twelve pound bass. 6131% 6132A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems 6133the computer science student has run in to. 6134 6135CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying 6136 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)... 6137 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a 6138 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup 6139 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current 6140 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and 6141 get the pointer value from there? 6142Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and 6143 make it point to the previous item. 6144CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier 6145 and structure elements must have unique names within that 6146 scope! 6147Hacker: So call it 'previous'. 6148 6149And then the CS Student was enlightened. 6150% 6151A computer science student on an exam: 6152 6153 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just 6154 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently, 6155 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool 6156 news. 6157% 6158A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. 6159% 6160A computer, to print out a fact, 6161Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 6162 But this output can be 6163 No more than debris, 6164If the input was short of exact. 6165 -- Gigo 6166% 6167A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate 6168cake without ketchup and mustard. 6169% 6170A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 6171% 6172A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can 6173do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. 6174 -- Fred Allen 6175% 6176A CONS is an object which cares. 6177 -- Bernie Greenberg 6178% 6179A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6180 -- Elbert Hubbard 6181% 6182A conservative is a man 6183who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. 6184 -- Alfred E. Wiggam 6185% 6186A conservative is a man 6187with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. 6188 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 6189% 6190A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it 6191is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. 6192% 6193A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. 6194 -- Dyer 6195% 6196A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the 6197damned things is ample. 6198 -- Rebecca West 6199% 6200A couch is as good as a chair. 6201% 6202A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 6203 -- Benjamin Franklin 6204% 6205A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the 6206beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, 6207one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods 6208like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game 6209Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with 6210his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the 6211Game Warden finally caught up to him. 6212 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The 6213man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing 6214license. 6215 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb 6216as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!" 6217 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back 6218there, he don't have one!" 6219% 6220A cousin of mine once said about money, 6221money is always there but the pockets change; 6222it is not in the same pockets after a change, 6223and that is all there is to say about money. 6224 -- Gertrude Stein 6225% 6226A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased 6227in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at 6228each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting 6229and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are 6230the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. 6231 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as 6232well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion 6233houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four 6234fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network 6235of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant 6236complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main 6237ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of 6238this central section. 6239 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and 6240colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In 6241brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two 6242hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. 6243% 6244A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. 6245 -- Whitney Balliett 6246% 6247A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels 6248qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic 6249in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. 6250% 6251A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. 6252 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 6253% 6254A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 6255% 6256A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. 6257% 6258A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. 6259% 6260A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. 6261% 6262A day without sunshine is like night. 6263% 6264A dead man cannot bite. 6265 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) 6266% 6267A debugged program is one for which you have 6268not yet found the conditions that make it fail. 6269 -- Jerry Ogdin 6270% 6271A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" 6272Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of 6273their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the 6274society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the 6275domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness 6276is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. 6277 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83 6278% 6279A Difficulty for Every Solution. 6280 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 6281% 6282A diplomat is a man who can convince his 6283wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. 6284% 6285A diplomat is a man who can tell you to 6286go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. 6287 -- Samuel Clemens 6288% 6289A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell 6290in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 6291 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" 6292% 6293A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. 6294 -- Robert Frost 6295% 6296A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember 6297your birthday when you never look any older?" 6298% 6299A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. 6300 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 6301% 6302A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman 6303inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest 6304of her life?" 6305 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before 6306the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my 6307condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". 6308% 6309A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano. 6310% 6311A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have 6312some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is 6313that you only have six weeks to live." 6314 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than 6315that?" 6316 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since 6317last Monday." 6318% 6319A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested 6320waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The 6321lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional 6322courtesy," he explained. 6323% 6324A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 6325 -- Ogden Nash 6326% 6327A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him 6328what he meant. 6329 -- Wilson Mizner 6330% 6331A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. 6332 -- Stanislaw Lem 6333% 6334A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to 6335a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate 6336a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury 6337an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." 6338% 6339A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. 6340% 6341A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. 6342 -- Publilius Syrus 6343% 6344A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer 6345should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around 6346she deserved. 6347 -- Robert A. Heinlein 6348% 6349A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 63501108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, 6351the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked 6352"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a 6353cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of 6354the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head 6355with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 6356% 6357A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. 6358 -- Winston Churchill 6359% 6360A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. 6361% 6362A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty 6363m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running 6364alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is 6365running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty 6366m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly 6367takes off and disappears into the distance. 6368 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know, 6369the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least 6370sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!" 6371 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's 6372me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for 6373dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens. 6374So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could 6375have a drumstick." 6376 "How do they taste?" said the farmer. 6377 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch 6378one yet." 6379% 6380A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. 6381He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought 6382to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name 6383should be masculine or feminine. 6384 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either 6385Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. 6386 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of 6387them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and 6388went on their way rather quickly. 6389 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black 6390belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." 6391 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he 6392asked. 6393 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were 6394masculine." 6395 "Unhhh... Well, why not?" 6396 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want 6397it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she 6398go!'" 6399 6400 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental 6401 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.] 6402% 6403A few hours grace before the madness begins again. 6404% 6405A fitter fits; Though sinners sin 6406A cutter cuts; And thinners thin 6407And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot 6408A baby-sitter I've never yet 6409Baby-sits -- Had letters let 6410But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot. 6411 6412A batter bats 6413(Or scatters scats); 6414A potting shed's for potting; 6415But no one's found 6416A bounder bound 6417Or caught an otter otting. 6418 -- Ralph Lewin 6419% 6420A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood 6421waiting for a taxi. 6422 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." 6423 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." 6424% 6425A fool and his honey are soon parted. 6426% 6427A fool and his money are soon popular. 6428% 6429A fool must now and then be right by chance. 6430% 6431A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. 6432 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6433% 6434A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 6435of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. 6436% 6437A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 6438superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 6439 -- George Bernard Shaw 6440% 6441A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 6442 -- D. Gries 6443% 6444A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. 6445% 6446A fox is wolf who sends flowers. 6447 -- Ruth Weston 6448% 6449A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch 6450dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension. 6451 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" 6452% 6453A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. 6454 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 6455% 6456A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. 6457 -- Robert Benchley 6458% 6459A friend in need is a pest indeed. 6460% 6461A friend is a present you give yourself. 6462 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 6463% 6464A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. 6465You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. 6466 -- Steven Wright 6467% 6468A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates 6469lawyers more than he hates his wife. 6470% 6471A full belly makes a dull brain. 6472 -- Benjamin Franklin 6473 6474 [and the local candy machine man. Ed] 6475% 6476A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other 6477people's demands. 6478% 6479A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! 6480% 6481A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than 6482he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men 6483favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter 6484facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. 6485 -- H. L. Mencken 6486% 6487A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. 6488His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. 6489% 6490A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained 6491that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three 6492assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win. 6493They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they 6494each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with 6495the engineer: 6496 6497Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? 6498Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle 6499 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide 6500 electrical shock to the horse. 6501G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist. 6502Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves 6503 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore 6504 cannot be detected in post-race tests. 6505G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before 6506 I decide what to do. Physicist? 6507 6508Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... 6509% 6510A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding 6511ducks. 6512 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 6513% 6514A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. 6515 -- Evan Esar 6516 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] 6517% 6518A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. 6519 -- Fred Allen 6520% 6521A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. 6522% 6523A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 6524A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 6525But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_t_h_a_t _h_a_d _t_o _m_e_a_n _s_o_m_e_t_h_i_n_g*. 6526 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 6527% 6528A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. 6529 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" 6530% 6531A girl's best friend is her mutter. 6532 -- Dorothy Parker 6533% 6534A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like 6535a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). 6536% 6537A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 6538Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. 6539The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it 6540had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice 6541firm tuft of grass. 6542 -- Donald A. Metz 6543% 6544A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in 6545the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the 6546rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between 6547the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be 6548penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such 6549uncontrollable physical phenomena. 6550 -- Donald A. Metz 6551% 6552A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. 6553 -- Michel de Montaigne 6554% 6555A good memory does not equal pale ink. 6556% 6557A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, 6558all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. 6559 -- J. Hawes 6560% 6561A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. 6562 -- Patton 6563% 6564A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a 6565one-way street. 6566 -- Doug Linder 6567% 6568A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened 6569into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the 6570hope of greening the landscape of idea. 6571 -- John Ciardi 6572% 6573A good reputation is more valuable than money. 6574 -- Publilius Syrus 6575% 6576A good scapegoat is hard to find. 6577% 6578A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. 6579% 6580A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever 6581gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes, 6582then asks the backhoe operator for directions. 6583 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net> 6584% 6585A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you 6586call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. 6587"That's dynamite, baby." 6588 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 6589% 6590A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to 6591you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to 6592you about yourself. 6593 -- Lisa Kirk 6594% 6595A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on 6596the table after you eat. 6597% 6598A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. 6599 -- James Beard 6600% 6601A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough 6602to take it all away. 6603 -- Barry Goldwater 6604% 6605A grammarian's life is always intense. 6606% 6607A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. 6608 -- Benjamin Franklin 6609% 6610A great many people think they are thinking 6611when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. 6612 -- William James 6613% 6614A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest 6615man a century. 6616% 6617A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The 6618green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that 6619grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals 6620indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the 6621bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled 6622with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor 6623of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down 6624upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department 6625store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several 6626of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be 6627properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of 6628anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and 6629geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul. 6630 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" 6631% 6632A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals 6633are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for 6634not going to church on Sunday. 6635 -- Russell Baker 6636% 6637A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. 6638 -- Carolyn Wells 6639% 6640A guy has to get fresh once in a while 6641so a girl doesn't lose her confidence. 6642% 6643A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. 6644% 6645A halted retreat 6646Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. 6647To retain people as men -- and maidservants 6648Brings good fortune. 6649% 6650A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never. 6651% 6652A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. 6653% 6654A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. 6655% 6656A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own 6657weight in other people's patience. 6658 -- John Updike 6659% 6660A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: 6661 6662If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save 6663a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning 6664photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would 6665you use? 6666 6667 -- Paul Harvey 6668% 6669A Hen Brooding Kittens 6670 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, 6671a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three 6672kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring 6673says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that 6674she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young 6675felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at 6676her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. 6677 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 6678% 6679A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. 6680% 6681A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top 6682of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work. 6683 -- Adolf Hitler 6684% 6685A holding company is a thing where you hand 6686an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. 6687% 6688A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. 6689 "Hello?" his friend answers. 6690 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?" 6691 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay 6692for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the 6693studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television 6694series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit! 6695I'm doing *great*! How are you?" 6696 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves." 6697% 6698A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? 6699% 6700A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! 6701 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 6702% 6703A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong! 6704% 6705A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The 6706Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered. 6707 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901 6708% 6709A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. 6710 -- Helen Rowland 6711% 6712A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? 6713 -- Don Marquis 6714% 6715A hypothetical paradox: 6716 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, 6717who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial 6718Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 6719 -- Tom Galloway 6720% 6721A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 6722C is for Clara who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 6723E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 6724G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 6725I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 6726K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 6727M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Neville who died of ennui. 6728O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 6729Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 6730S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titus who flew into bits. 6731U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 6732W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice. 6733Y is for Yorick whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin. 6734 -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" 6735% 6736A is for Apple. 6737 -- Hester Pryne 6738% 6739A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and 6740B is for biff, which reads all your mail. 6741C is for cc, as hackers recall, while 6742D is for dd, the command that does all. 6743E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and 6744F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. 6745G is for grep, a clever detective, while 6746H is for halt, which may seem defective. 6747I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and 6748J is for join, which nobody uses. 6749K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while 6750L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. 6751M is for more, from which less was begot, and 6752N is for nice, which it really is not. 6753O is for od, which prints out things nice, while 6754P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. 6755Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and 6756R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. 6757S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while 6758T is for true, which does very little. 6759U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and 6760V is for vi, which is hard to abort. 6761W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while 6762X is, well, X, of dubious fame. 6763Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and 6764Z is for zcat, which handles compression. 6765 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX 6766% 6767A joint is just tea for two. 6768% 6769A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. 6770% 6771A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. 6772 -- Lao Tsu 6773% 6774A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. 6775 -- Lao Tsu 6776% 6777A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it; 6778Earthen vessels 6779Simply handed in through the window. 6780There is certainly no blame in this. 6781% 6782A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 6783 -- Robert Frost 6784% 6785A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a 6786good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. 6787% 6788A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. 6789% 6790A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. 6791 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess 6792% 6793A king's castle is his home. 6794% 6795A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, 6796for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when 6797words are superfluous. 6798% 6799A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 6800% 6801A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. 6802 -- Lillian Day 6803% 6804A lady with one of her ears applied 6805To an open keyhole heard, inside, 6806Two female gossips in converse free -- 6807The subject engaging them was she. 6808"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 6809That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 6810As soon as no more of it she could hear 6811The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 6812"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 6813"To hear my character lied about!" 6814 -- Gopete Sherany 6815% 6816A language that doesn't affect the way you 6817think about programming is not worth knowing. 6818 -- Alan J. Perlis 6819% 6820A language that doesn't have everything is 6821actually easier to program in than some that do. 6822 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 6823% 6824A large number of installed systems work by fiat. 6825That is, they work by being declared to work. 6826 -- Anatol Holt 6827% 6828A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. 6829Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured 6830him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and 6831quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around 6832above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, 6833"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light 6834where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house." 6835So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other 6836flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, 6837"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be 6838silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck 6839to the flypaper with all the other flies. 6840 6841Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 6842 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" 6843% 6844A Law of Computer Programming: 6845 Make it possible for programmers to write in English 6846 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. 6847% 6848A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel. 6849 -- Robert Frost 6850% 6851A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. 6852 -- Willis Player 6853% 6854A lie in time saves nine. 6855% 6856A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of 6857trouble. 6858 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 6859% 6860A life lived in fear is a life half lived. 6861% 6862A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. 6863% 6864A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. 6865% 6866A light wife doth make a heavy husband. 6867 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 6868% 6869A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. 6870 -- Aristotle 6871% 6872A limerick packs laughs anatomical 6873Into space that is quite economical. 6874 But the good ones I've seen 6875 So seldom are clean, 6876And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 6877% 6878A LISP programmer knows the value of 6879everything, but the cost of nothing. 6880 -- Alan J. Perlis 6881% 6882A list is only as strong as its weakest link. 6883 -- Donald E. Knuth 6884% 6885A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. 6886% 6887A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. 6888 -- C. E. Ayres 6889% 6890A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 6891 -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924) 6892% 6893A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad 6894right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you 6895know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the 6896little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good, 6897then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?" 6898% 6899A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems 6900have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, 6901those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are 6902the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, 6903APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them 6904with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. 6905 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 6906% 6907A little word of doubtful number, 6908A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. 6909If you add an "s" to this, 6910Great is the metamorphosis. 6911Plural is plural now no more, 6912And sweet what bitter was before. 6913What am I? 6914% 6915A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. 6916% 6917A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 6918% 6919A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. 6920Buy the negatives at any price. 6921% 6922A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. 6923% 6924A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 6925 -- Steven Wright 6926% 6927A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, 6928and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. 6929 -- Lew Col 6930% 6931A major, with wonderful force, 6932Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. 6933 All the flowers looked round, 6934 But no horse could be found; 6935So he just rhododendron, of course. 6936% 6937A man always remembers his first love with special 6938tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. 6939 -- H. L. Mencken 6940% 6941A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After 6942that it's cheating. 6943 -- Yves Montand 6944% 6945A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. 6946 -- Du Bois 6947% 6948A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. 6949By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he 6950was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out, 6951 "Is anybody there?" 6952A deep majestic voice answered, 6953 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?" 6954 "Help me!!" cried the man. 6955 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and 6956you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust." 6957The man thought for a moment and cried out: 6958 "Anybody ELSE up there?" 6959% 6960A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles 6961in the road. 6962 -- Alexander Smith 6963% 6964A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. 6965 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek" 6966% 6967A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. 6968 -- Brendan Francis 6969% 6970A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another 6971man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man 6972whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... 6973water..." 6974 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water 6975with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." 6976 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." 6977 "They're only four dollars apiece." 6978 "I need *water*." 6979 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." 6980 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. 6981 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, 6982and he heads off into the distance. 6983 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. 6984Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he 6985sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he 6986staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. 6987 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. 6988 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." 6989% 6990A man is known by the company he organizes. 6991 -- Ambrose Bierce 6992% 6993A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, 6994He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. 6995 -- Richard Thompson 6996% 6997A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be 6998bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. 6999 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 7000% 7001A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. 7002 -- Samuel Johnson 7003% 7004A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, 7005but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim. 7006% 7007A man may well bring a horse to the water, 7008but he cannot make him drink with he will. 7009 -- John Heywood 7010% 7011A man of genius makes no mistakes. 7012His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. 7013 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 7014% 7015A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. 7016% 7017A man said to the Universe: 7018 "Sir, I exist!" 7019 "However," replied the Universe, 7020 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." 7021 -- Stephen Crane 7022% 7023A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her 7024some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before 7025he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who 7026might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told 7027her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to 7028her aid. 7029 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly 7030by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing 7031in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. 7032 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset. 7033 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I 7034just want to get my saddle back!" 7035% 7036A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions 7037he is able to answer. 7038 -- Ronald Colman 7039% 7040A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a 7041late card games. 7042 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," 7043he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast 7044into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and 7045tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always 7046wakes up and gives me hell." 7047 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. 7048 "You do?" 7049 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, 7050stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say. 7051`How about a little smooch for your old man?'" 7052 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. 7053 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends 7054she's asleep." 7055% 7056A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, 7057 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee, 7058why did you Di......eeee" 7059The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, 7060 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now, 7061carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased." 7062 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, 7063why....eeeee did you.." 7064 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? 7065Tell, me who is buried here?" 7066 "My wife's first husband." 7067% 7068A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. 7069 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 7070% 7071A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn 7072in no other way. 7073% 7074A man who fishes for marlin in ponds 7075will put his money in Etruscan bonds. 7076% 7077A man who turns green has eschewed protein. 7078% 7079A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. 7080% 7081A man with one watch knows what time it is. 7082A man with two watches is never quite sure. 7083% 7084A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. 7085% 7086A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create 7087destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in 7088turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man 7089would deliberately go mad to prove his point. 7090 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" 7091% 7092A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 7093% 7094A man's best friend is his dogma. 7095% 7096A man's gotta know his limitations. 7097 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry" 7098% 7099A man's house is his castle. 7100 -- Sir Edward Coke 7101% 7102A man's house is his hassle. 7103% 7104A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. 7105 "It is right before your eyes," said the master. 7106 "Why do I not see it for myself?" 7107 "Because you are thinking of yourself." 7108 "What about you: do you see it?" 7109 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so 7110on, your eyes are clouded," said the master. 7111 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?" 7112 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', 7113who is the one that wants to see it?" 7114% 7115A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and 7116observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As 7117they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. 7118 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may 7119yet save her!!" 7120 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my 7121understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water 7122from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and 71236 feet high." 7124 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." 7125% 7126A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. 7127 -- P. Erdos 7128% 7129A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. 7130% 7131A meeting is an event at which the 7132minutes are kept and the hours are lost. 7133% 7134A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, 7135but to protect the writer. 7136 -- Dean Acheson 7137% 7138A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start, 7139and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. 7140 -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz 7141% 7142A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 7143on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 7144game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 7145pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 7146along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 7147heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 7148around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 7149direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 7150paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 7151colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 7152fall over gently onto their backs. 7153 -- Audubon Society Magazine 7154 7155[From the BBC, 2001-02-02: 7156 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) 7157monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx 7158helicopters passed overhead. 7159 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," 7160said team leader Dr. Richard Stone. 7161 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped 7162calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated 7163with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, 7164really." 7165 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres 7166(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on 7167king penguins.] 7168% 7169A mighty creature is the germ, 7170Though smaller than the pachyderm. 7171His customary dwelling place 7172Is deep within the human race. 7173His childish pride he often pleases 7174By giving people strange diseases. 7175Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? 7176You probably contain a germ. 7177 -- Ogden Nash 7178% 7179A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. 7180% 7181A modem is a baudy house. 7182% 7183A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, 7184is the most tremendous object in the whole creation. 7185 -- Goldsmith 7186% 7187A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen 7188floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for 7189its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, 7190terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! 7191Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" 7192 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its 7193children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, 7194and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman 7195proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. 7196 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, 7197you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them 7198purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second 7199language?" 7200% 7201A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, 7202and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. 7203 -- Frost 7204% 7205A motion to adjourn is always in order. 7206% 7207A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in. 7208% 7209A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. 7210% 7211A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. 7212% 7213A musician, an artist, an architect: 7214 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. 7215 -- William Blake 7216% 7217A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. 7218 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" 7219% 7220A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. 7221 -- Gore Vidal 7222% 7223A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. 7224% 7225A national debt, if it is not excessive, 7226will be to us a national blessing. 7227 -- Alexander Hamilton 7228% 7229A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on 7230loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside 7231the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," 7232asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 7233% 7234A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon 7235discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, 7236still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the 7237same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at 72383,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" 7239 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING 7240ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" 7241% 7242A new koan: 7243 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 7244 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 7245It is an ice cream koan. 7246% 7247A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 7248Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' 7249now has no excuse for further procrastination. 7250% 7251A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time 7252had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had 7253come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to 7254catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust 7255the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to 7256it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept 7257in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. 7258 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 7259% 7260A New Way of Taking Pills 7261 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and 7262having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with 7263small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks 7264will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. 7265 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 7266% 7267A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the 7268rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. 7269% 7270A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. 7271 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer 7272% 7273A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 7274 -- Yogi Berra 7275% 7276A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 7277"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. 7278 -- Mahatma Gandhi 7279% 7280A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. 7281 7282"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. 7283 7284The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be 7285relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes 7286before replying. 7287 7288"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else." 7289 7290With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved 7291enlightenment, several years later. 7292 7293Commentary: 7294 7295His Master is kind, 7296Answering his FAQ quickly, 7297With thought and sarcasm. 7298% 7299A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 7300% 7301A pain in the ass of major dimensions. 7302 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits 7303% 7304A Parable of Modern Research: 7305 7306 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one 7307brightly lit corner. 7308 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" 7309 "I can only see here." 7310% 7311A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. 7312 -- William S. Burroughs 7313% 7314A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 7315 -- Gloria Steinem 7316% 7317A pencil with no point needs no eraser. 7318% 7319A penny saved has not been spent. 7320% 7321A penny saved is a penny taxed. 7322% 7323A penny saved is ridiculous. 7324% 7325A penny saved kills your career in government. 7326% 7327A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to 7328govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures 7329on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins 7330itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and 7331manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. 7332 -- Anatole France 7333% 7334A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. 7335% 7336A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. 7337% 7338A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. 7339A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. 7340% 7341A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well 7342schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. 7343 -- Donald E. Knuth 7344% 7345A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. 7346 -- Elbert Hubbard 7347% 7348A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. 7349 -- George Wald 7350% 7351A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men 7352gets out and goes into the office. 7353 "I need some four-by-two's," he says. 7354 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. 7355 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go 7356check." 7357 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the 7358truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be 7359acceptable. 7360 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" 7361 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go 7362check," he says. 7363 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated 7364conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, 7365"we're building a house". 7366% 7367A pig is a jolly companion, 7368Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 7369A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 7370Though mountains may topple and tilt. 7371When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 7372When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 7373Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 7374You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 7375You'll never go wrong with a pig! 7376 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 7377% 7378A pipe gives a wise man time to think 7379and a fool something to stick in his mouth. 7380% 7381A place for everything and everything in its place. 7382 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" 7383 7384 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 7385 referring to memory management system services.] 7386% 7387A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. 7388 -- Stanley Baldwin 7389% 7390A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques 7391contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain 7392edible nutriments. 7393% 7394A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. 7395% 7396A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. 7397% 7398A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard 7399about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his 7400money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the 7401finance ministry, sir," the teller replies. 7402 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. 7403 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," 7404the teller says. 7405 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. 7406 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come 7407to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation. 7408 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. 7409 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy 7410paycheck?" 7411 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984 7412% 7413A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, 7414but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. 7415 -- Jean-Paul Sartre 7416% 7417A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. 7418 -- Walt Kelly 7419% 7420A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. 7421% 7422A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil! 7423 -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" 7424% 7425A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. 7426Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. 7427But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. 7428 -- Lazarus Long 7429% 7430A prediction is worth twenty explanations. 7431 -- K. Brecher 7432% 7433A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your 7434last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something 7435of yours to press against my heart. 7436 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 7437% 7438A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. 7439Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." 7440% 7441A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 7442 7443And he answered: 7444 7445It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 7446 7447It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 7448 7449It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City 7450upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come 7451to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 7452 7453And that is Fate? said the priest. 7454 7455Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 7456 7457That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was 7458too. 7459 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 7460% 7461A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. 7462 -- George Eliot 7463% 7464A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then 7465asks you not to kill him. 7466 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952 7467% 7468A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. 7469 -- Miguel de Cervantes 7470% 7471A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 7472% 7473A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of 7474being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of 7475incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague 7476assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents 7477and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of 7478dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of 7479annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was 7480unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. 7481 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine 7482% 7483A programming language is low level 7484when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. 7485% 7486A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to 7487drink with -- even if he drank. 7488 -- H. L. Mencken 7489% 7490A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a 7491watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he 7492looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his 7493tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were 7494they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led 7495by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, 7496killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting 7497could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle 7498emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of 7499the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions." 7500% 7501A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female 7502by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness. 7503 -- Aristotle 7504% 7505A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions 7506your wife asks you for nothing. 7507 -- Joey Adams 7508% 7509A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 7510your wife will give you for free. 7511% 7512A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be 7513too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which 7514was intended for her preservation. 7515 -- Colton 7516% 7517A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 7518"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 7519the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 7520to make a travesty of the game. 7521 -- Donald A. Metz 7522% 7523A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results 7524blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. 7525 -- Steel City News 7526% 7527A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the 7528entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. 7529 -- Saul Alinsky 7530% 7531A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. 7532% 7533A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having 7534his neighbor notice it. 7535 -- Trygve Lie 7536% 7537A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. 7538A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. 7539% 7540A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. 7541 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture 7542% 7543A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking 7544ticket and rejoices that the system works. 7545% 7546A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 7547objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 7548scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration 7549needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. 7550% 7551A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to 7552help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this 7553out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my 7554pub!" 7555% 7556A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other 7557people what to do with their money. 7558 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones) 7559% 7560A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. 7561 -- Ramsey Clark 7562% 7563A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may 7564not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized 7565rosewater. 7566% 7567A robin redbreast in a cage 7568Puts all Heaven in a rage. 7569 -- Blake 7570% 7571A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single 7572man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 7573 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 7574% 7575A rolling disk gathers no MOS. 7576% 7577A rolling stone gathers momentum. 7578% 7579A rolling stone gathers no moss. 7580 -- Publilius Syrus 7581% 7582A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who 7583demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?" 7584holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. 7585Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. 7586 -- Plutarch 7587% 7588A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It 7589weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a 7590banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. 7591The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as 7592the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) 7593is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the 7594monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, 7595plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the 7596weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as 7597the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she 7598was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother 7599will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice 7600as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it 7601was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was 7602when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana? 7603% 7604A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of 7605PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs, 7606Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's 7607with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to 7608joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its 7609drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked 7610up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very 7611good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not 7612true. I'm very good in beds as well." 7613% 7614A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. 7615If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. 7616 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars 7617% 7618A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. 7619% 7620A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. 7621Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. 7622 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" 7623 7624I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter. 7625 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind 7626 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down 7627 on Broadway". 7628% 7629A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper 7630vocation?" 7631 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of 7632their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is 7633the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, 7634such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for 7635their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of 7636the vocation must fit the individual. 7637 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the 7638scholar sobbed. 7639 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?" 7640% 7641A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and 7642making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually 7643die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. 7644 -- Max Planck 7645% 7646A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from 7647the vexation of thinking. 7648 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831) 7649% 7650A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness 7651of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving 7652water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness 7653of this necessary reorganization of our lives. 7654 7655It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the 7656recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the 7657ground. 7658 -- J. W. N. Sullivan 7659% 7660A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep 7661him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are 7662worth committing. 7663 -- Samuel Butler 7664% 7665A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. 7666 -- Don Marquis 7667% 7668A Severe Strain on the Credulity 7669 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the 7670highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 7671is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the 7672multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... 7673for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its 7674flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the 7675charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in 7676Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not 7677know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something 7678better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to 7679lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 7680 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 7681% 7682A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist 7683thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the 7684problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male 7685aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy 7686away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's 7687participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility 7688will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to 7689men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to 7690idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by 7691the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own 7692submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to 7693is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. 7694 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" 7695% 7696A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. 7697 -- Prof. Steiner 7698% 7699A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. 7700 -- Joseph Stalin 7701% 7702A single flow'r he sent me, since we met. 7703All tenderly his messenger he chose; 7704Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- 7705One perfect rose. 7706 7707I knew the language of the floweret; 7708"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." 7709Love long has taken for his amulet 7710One perfect rose. 7711 7712Why is it no one ever sent me yet 7713One perfect limousine, do you suppose? 7714Ah no, it's always just my luck to get 7715One perfect rose. 7716 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" 7717% 7718A sinking ship gathers no moss. 7719 -- Donald Kaul 7720% 7721A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. 7722% 7723A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. 7724% 7725A snake lurks in the grass. 7726 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 7727% 7728A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North 7729African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. 7730Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier. 7731% 7732A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, 7733the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society 7734which is on its way out. 7735 -- L. Ron Hubbard 7736% 7737A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. 7738 -- Proverbs 15:1 7739% 7740A soft drink turneth away company. 7741% 7742A song in time is worth a dime. 7743% 7744A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the 7745family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks 7746when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, 7747and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks: 7748 "How are you?" they ask. 7749 "Oh, I'm fine," he says. 7750 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?" 7751 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here 7752that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause 7753he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand 7754dollars." 7755 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary 7756Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue 7757at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure 7758enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is 7759"Where's Old Blue?" 7760 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was 7761talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, 7762well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her 7763that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these 7764years?'" 7765 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?" 7766% 7767A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny. 7768% 7769A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. 7770 -- Harry S. Truman 7771% 7772A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high 7773probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that 7774the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. 7775Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. 7776% 7777A stitch in time saves nine. 7778% 7779A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 7780 -- O'Henry 7781% 7782A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many 7783bad measures. 7784 -- Daniel Webster 7785% 7786A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. 7787As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the 7788student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before 7789the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit 7790the student with a stick. 7791% 7792A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. 7793% 7794A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something 7795undreamed of by its author. 7796 -- S. C. Johnson 7797% 7798A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first 7799thought of. 7800 -- Burt Bacharach 7801% 7802A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over 7803Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the 7804other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing 7805new versions of their own innards! 7806 -- Michael O'Brien 7807% 7808A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 7809 -- by Charles Dickens 7810 7811 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. 7812 7813The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) 7814 -- by Franz Kafka 7815 7816 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. 7817 7818Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) 7819 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien 7820 7821 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. 7822 7823Hamlet LITE(tm) 7824 -- by William Shakespeare 7825 7826 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy 7827 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age. 7828% 7829A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 7830 -- by Charles Dickens 7831 7832 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just 7833 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean 7834 lady who knits. 7835 7836Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) 7837 -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky 7838 7839 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later 7840 feels guilty and apologizes. 7841 7842The Odyssey LITE(tm) 7843 -- by Homer 7844 7845 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. 7846% 7847A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. 7848% 7849A tautology is a thing which is tautological. 7850% 7851A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. 7852 -- Michael Winner, British film director 7853% 7854A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes 7855of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around 7856*Boston*." 7857 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian. 7858 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for 7859help?" 7860% 7861A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. 7862 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H." 7863% 7864A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it. 7865 -- Diane Duane 7866% 7867A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 7868and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 7869 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7870% 7871A transistor protected by a fast-acting 7872fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. 7873% 7874A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three 7875wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. 7876Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer 7877sitting in the yard watching the pig. 7878 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 7879 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter 7880was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that 7881pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." 7882 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed. 7883 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on 7884the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. 7885That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. 7886Saved my life." 7887 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has 7888three wooden legs?" 7889 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you 7890got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." 7891% 7892A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene 7893triangle. 7894% 7895A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother 7896drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. 7897 -- Shaw 7898% 7899A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. 7900 -- Benjamin Franklin 7901% 7902A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 7903% 7904A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 7905% 7906A truth that's told with bad intent 7907Beats all the lies you can invent. 7908 -- William Blake 7909% 7910A university is what a college becomes 7911when the faculty loses interest in students. 7912 -- John Ciardi 7913% 7914A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. 7915 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin 7916% 7917A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, 7918Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. 7919 She found a good way 7920 To combine work and play: 7921She sells C shells by the seashore. 7922% 7923A vacuum is a hell of a lot better 7924than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. 7925 -- Tennessee Williams 7926% 7927A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. 7928 -- Samuel Goldwyn 7929% 7930A violent man will die a violent death. 7931 -- Lao Tsu 7932% 7933A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. 7934% 7935A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. 7936% 7937A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. 7938% 7939A waist is a terrible thing to mind. 7940 -- Ziggy 7941% 7942A watched clock never boils. 7943% 7944A well adjusted person is one who makes 7945the same mistake twice without getting nervous. 7946% 7947A well-known friend is a treasure. 7948% 7949A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. 7950A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant. 7951Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. 7952Software rots if not used. 7953 7954These are great mysteries. 7955 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 7956% 7957A wise man can see more from a mountain top 7958than a fool can from the bottom of a well. 7959% 7960A wise man can see more from the bottom 7961of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. 7962% 7963A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. 7964 -- Chinese proverb 7965% 7966A witty saying proves nothing. 7967 -- Voltaire 7968% 7969A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets 7970people's attention. 7971% 7972A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, 7973let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that 7974there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, 7975completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of 7976beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. 7977It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club 7978near your person at all times. 7979 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 7980% 7981A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it 7982were quite a struggle. 7983 -- Edna Ferber 7984% 7985A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. 7986To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. 7987 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" 7988% 7989A woman, especially if she have the misfortune 7990of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. 7991 -- Jane Austen 7992% 7993A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, 7994she follows. 7995 -- Chamfort 7996% 7997A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, 7998it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. 7999 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 8000% 8001A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet, 8002and stupid. 8003 -- Adolf Hitler 8004% 8005A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither 8006physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even 8007when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." 8008 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 8009% 8010A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume. 8011 -- Maurine Lewis 8012% 8013A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor 8014came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." 8015 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. 8016 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son 8017(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." 8018 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no 8019one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of 8020a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under 8021the circumstances. 8022 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a 8023phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected 8024an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto 8025his head!" 8026 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung 8027up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* 8028surprise for you!" 8029 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" 8030% 8031A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 8032 -- Gloria Steinem 8033% 8034A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 8035Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. 8036% 8037A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. 8038 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women" 8039% 8040A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate. 8041% 8042A word to the wise is enough. 8043 -- Miguel de Cervantes 8044% 8045A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing 8046that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker 8047watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm 8048myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself 8049and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" 8050"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process 8051to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. 8052% 8053A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call 8054what he writes fiction. 8055 -- William Faulkner 8056% 8057A yawn is a silent shout. 8058 -- G. K. Chesterton 8059% 8060A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. 8061% 8062A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new 8063bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." 8064 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 8065% 8066A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted 8067a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to 8068have that!" she gushed. 8069 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the 8070window and grabbing the ring. 8071 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What 8072I'd give to own that," she said, sighing. 8073 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing 8074the coat. 8075 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do 8076anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said. 8077 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?" 8078% 8079A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and 8080walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous 8081woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and 8082says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll 8083allow me, I'd like to buy it for you." 8084 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some 8085pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. 8086 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" 8087 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that 8088I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." 8089 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, 8090calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks 8091at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I 8092can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" 8093 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out 8094of the store with the woman following him in a daze. 8095 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. 8096The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell 8097you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." 8098 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a 8099terrific weekend." 8100% 8101A young man wrote to Mozart and said: 8102 8103Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any 8104 suggestions as to how to get started?" 8105A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with 8106 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." 8107Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." 8108A: "But I never asked anybody how." 8109% 8110AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 8111You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 8112% 8113Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 8114% 8115Abbott's Admonitions: 8116 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. 8117 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked 8118 the question. 8119 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia 8120% 8121Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went 8122on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close. 8123% 8124Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) 8125Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, 8126And saw, within the moonlight in his room, 8127Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, 8128An angel writing in a book of gold. 8129Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, 8130And to the presence in the room he said, 8131"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head, 8132And with a look made of all sweet accord, 8133Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." 8134"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," 8135Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, 8136But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, 8137Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." 8138The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night 8139It came again with a great wakening light, 8140And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, 8141And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest. 8142 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem" 8143% 8144About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. 8145% 8146About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. 8147% 8148About the only thing we have left that actually 8149discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. 8150% 8151About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. 8152 -- Herbert Hoover 8153% 8154About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt 8155ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. 8156 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 8157% 8158Above all else - sky. 8159% 8160Above all things, reverence yourself. 8161% 8162Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. 8163% 8164Abscond, v.: 8165 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative 8166 and miss the return train. 8167% 8168Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases 8169great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. 8170 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 8171% 8172Absence in love is like water upon fire; 8173a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. 8174 -- Hannah More 8175% 8176Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, 8177it enkindles the great. 8178% 8179Absence makes the heart forget. 8180% 8181Absence makes the heart go wander. 8182% 8183Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 8184 -- Sextus Aurelius 8185% 8186Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. 8187% 8188Absence makes the heart grow frantic. 8189% 8190Absent, adj.: 8191 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; 8192slandered. 8193% 8194Absentee, n.: 8195 A person with an income who has had the forethought 8196 to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. 8197 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8198% 8199Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) 8200 -- Stafford Beer 8201% 8202Abstainer, n.: 8203 A weak person who yields to the 8204 temptation of denying himself a pleasure. 8205 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8206% 8207Abstract: 8208 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group 8209of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar 8210and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar 8211men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than 8212their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was 8213evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF 8214test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual 8215performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve 8216immediately when tight neckwear was removed. 8217 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the 8218 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, 8219 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. 8220% 8221Absurdity, n.: 8222 A statement or belief manifestly 8223 inconsistent with one's own opinion. 8224 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8225% 8226Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 8227because the stakes are so low. 8228 -- Wallace Sayre 8229% 8230Academicians care, that's who. 8231% 8232ACADEMY: 8233 A modern school where football is taught. 8234INSTITUTE: 8235 An archaic school where football is not taught. 8236% 8237Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. 8238% 8239Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. 8240% 8241ACCEPTANCE TESTING: 8242 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. 8243% 8244Accident, n.: 8245 A condition in which presence of mind is good, 8246 but absence of body is better. 8247 -- Foolish Dictionary 8248% 8249Accidentally Shot 8250 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, 8251in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to 8252bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the 8253Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. 8254 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 8255% 8256Accidents cause History. 8257 8258If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 8259Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 8260have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 8261could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 8262the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 8263 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 8264% 8265According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something 8266everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the 8267national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in 8268smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and 8269most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly 8270that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for 8271Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around 8272parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox 8273decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have 8274a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly 8275sheepish grin" comes from. 8276% 8277According to all the latest reports, 8278there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. 8279% 8280According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 8281shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 8282fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 8283of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 8284the returns." 8285% 8286According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, 8287and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms 8288and a void. 8289 -- Democritus, 400 B.C. 8290% 8291According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 8292 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 8293% 8294According to the latest official figures, 829543% of all statistics are totally worthless. 8296% 8297According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never 8298dies. 8299% 8300According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in 8301America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. 8302Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could 8303beat up their city anytime. 8304 -- David Letterman 8305% 8306Accordion, n.: 8307 A bagpipe with pleats. 8308% 8309Accuracy, n.: 8310 The vice of being right. 8311% 8312Acid -- better living through chemistry. 8313% 8314Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. 8315% 8316Acquaintance, n.: 8317 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well 8318 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the 8319 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. 8320 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8321% 8322Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. 8323% 8324Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh 8325and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, 8326well, I think of my sex life. 8327 -- Glenda Jackson 8328% 8329Actor Real Name 8330 8331Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt 8332Cary Grant Archibald Leach 8333Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg 8334Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman 8335John Wayne Marion Morrison 8336Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch 8337Richard Burton Richard Jenkins, Jr. 8338Roy Rogers Leonard Slye 8339Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg 8340% 8341Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had 8342 everyone glued in their seats!" 8343Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of 8344 it!" 8345% 8346Actor: So what do you do for a living? 8347Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 8348 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 8349 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 8350% 8351Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. 8352% 8353Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. 8354 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, 8355 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 8356% 8357Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. 8358% 8359Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator 8360will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction: 8361 8362N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator 8363 only have one floor to go to. 8364 8365Assume true for N, prove for N+1: 8366 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the 8367 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you 8368 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore, 8369 it is true for all N+1 floors. 8370QED. 8371% 8372Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) 8373% 8374ADA: 8375 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 8376 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop 8377 an ADA awareness. 8378 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 8379% 8380Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. 8381[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] 8382 -- Ovid 8383% 8384Adding features does not necessarily increase 8385functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. 8386% 8387Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. 8388 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 8389 8390Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by 8391close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and 8392scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. 8393 -- George Washington (1732-1799) 8394% 8395Adding sound to movies would be like 8396putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. 8397 -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925 8398% 8399Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done 8400something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a 8401decorous age. 8402 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 8403% 8404Adler's Distinction: 8405 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, 8406 and from the bureaucrats. 8407% 8408Admiration, n.: 8409 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 8410 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8411% 8412Adolescence, n.: 8413 The stage between puberty and adultery. 8414% 8415Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look 8416like you ... 8417 -- Gilda Radner 8418% 8419Adore, v.: 8420 To venerate expectantly. 8421 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8422% 8423Adult, n.: 8424 One old enough to know better. 8425% 8426Adults die young. 8427% 8428Advancement in position. 8429% 8430Advertisements contain the only 8431truths to be relied on in a newspaper. 8432 -- Thomas Jefferson 8433% 8434Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest 8435way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. 8436 -- Sinclair Lewis 8437% 8438Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. 8439 -- George Orwell 8440% 8441Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human 8442intelligence long enough to get money from it. 8443% 8444Advertising Rule: 8445 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the 8446 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, 8447 that it is curable. 8448% 8449Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. 8450% 8451Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. 8452% 8453Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, 8454then at least be aseptic. 8455% 8456African violet: Such worth is rare 8457Apple blossom: Preference 8458Bachelor's button: Celibacy 8459Bay leaf: I change but in death 8460Camellia: Reflected loveliness 8461Chrysanthemum, red: I love 8462Chrysanthemum, white: Truth 8463Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love 8464Clover: Be mine 8465Crocus: Abuse not 8466Daffodil: Innocence 8467Forget-me-not: True love 8468Fuchsia: Fast 8469Gardenia: Secret, untold love 8470Honeysuckle: Bonds of love 8471Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage 8472Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality 8473Leaves (dead): Melancholy 8474Lilac: Youthful innocence 8475Lily: Purity, sweetness 8476Lily of the valley: Return of happiness 8477Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance 8478 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 8479% 8480After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European 8481comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, 8482except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything 8483is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, 8484under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is 8485permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, 8486especially that which is prohibited. 8487 -- Newton Minow, 1985, 8488 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools 8489% 8490After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 8491It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 8492more advanced than the lichen family. 8493 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 8494% 8495After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 8496% 8497After a while you learn the subtle difference 8498Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 8499And you learn that love doesn't mean security, 8500And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 8501And presents aren't promises 8502And you begin to accept your defeats 8503With your head up and your eyes open, 8504With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, 8505And you learn to build all your roads 8506On today because tomorrow's ground 8507Is too uncertain. And futures have 8508A way of falling down in midflight, 8509After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. 8510So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting 8511For someone to bring you flowers. 8512And you learn that you really can endure... 8513That you really are strong, 8514And you really do have worth 8515And you learn and learn 8516With every goodbye you learn. 8517 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" 8518% 8519After all, all he did was string together 8520a lot of old, well-known quotations. 8521 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 8522% 8523After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 8524% 8525After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. 8526 -- Jean Giraudoux 8527% 8528After all my erstwhile dear, 8529My no longer cherished, 8530Need we say it was not love, 8531Just because it perished? 8532 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 8533% 8534After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for 8535you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply 8536sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 8537 -- P. J. O'Rourke 8538% 8539After an instrument has been assembled, 8540extra components will be found on the bench. 8541% 8542After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the 8543month than you did before. 8544% 8545After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names 8546have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, 8547James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important 8548electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this 8549is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg 8550of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even 8551though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. 8552Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian 8553medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been 8554seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and 8555watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 8556that it sinks like a stone. 8557 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 8558% 8559After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 8560claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life 8561in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his 8562bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the 8563judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. 8564 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, 8565Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with 8566this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you 8567take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for 8568perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" 8569 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to 8570Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- 8571where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." 8572% 8573After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of 8574the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the 8575cost to others, to win advancement. 8576 -- Norman Thomas 8577% 8578After living in New York, you trust nobody, 8579but you believe everything. Just in case. 8580% 8581...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles 8582Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years 8583I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, 8584and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the 8585Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they 8586did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the 8587development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with 8588one foot in his mouth.) 8589 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died" 8590% 8591After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. 8592 -- Italian proverb 8593% 8594After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught 8595by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease 8596with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers 8597carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. 8598 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 8599% 8600After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 8601cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. 8602% 8603After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that 8604throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey 8605Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, 8606at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for 8607his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject 8608with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions 8609that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in 8610Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the 8611first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on 8612single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil. 8613According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on 8614the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic 8615charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. 8616 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" 8617 8618Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really 8619precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the 8620Nobel Prize in 1923. 8621% 8622After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with 8623the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only 8624the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of 8625any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried 8626deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page... 8627 8628The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The 8629Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. 8630But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line 8631or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie 8632burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the 8633neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an 8634oriental woman who seemed to be in control." 8635 8636Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and 8637straight to the point. 8638 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 8639% 8640After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, 8641indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. 8642% 8643After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! 8644% 8645Afternoon, n.: 8646 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the 8647morning. 8648% 8649Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. 8650% 8651Against Idleness and Mischief 8652 8653How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! 8654Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax! 8655And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well 8656From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes. 8657 8658In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, 8659I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, 8660For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day 8661For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. 8662 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748) 8663% 8664Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. 8665 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 8666% 8667Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. 8668% 8669Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. 8670 -- Dorothy Parker 8671% 8672Age is a tyrant who forbids, 8673at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. 8674% 8675Age, n.: 8676 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we 8677 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the 8678 enterprise to commit. 8679 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8680% 8681Agnes' Law: 8682 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. 8683% 8684Agree with them now, it will save so much time. 8685% 8686Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, 8687Or what's a heaven for ? 8688 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" 8689% 8690Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 8691there's the rub. 8692 8693For all dreams are not equal, 8694some exit to nightmare 8695most end with the dreamer 8696 8697But at least one must be lived ... and died. 8698% 8699Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, 8700"How good, how good does it feel to be free?" 8701And I answer them most mysteriously: 8702"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" 8703 -- Bob Dylan 8704% 8705Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. 8706% 8707Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! 8708% 8709Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts! 8710% 8711"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the 8712Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact 8713that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately 8714unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep 8715up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." 8716 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic 8717% 8718Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. 8719% 8720Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It 8721excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. 8722% 8723Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. 8724 -- W. Clement Stone 8725% 8726Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. 8727 -- The Mad Dogtender 8728% 8729Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but 8730bring me a message from a young man. 8731 -- Moms Mabley 8732% 8733Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to 8734Kansas City. 8735 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd 8736 been traded 8737% 8738Air Force Inertia Axiom: 8739 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. 8740% 8741Air is water with holes in it. 8742% 8743Air, n.: 8744 A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for 8745 the fattening of the poor. 8746 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8747% 8748Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. 8749% 8750Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. 8751 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, 8752 Ecole Superieure de Guerre 8753% 8754Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that. 8755 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" 8756% 8757Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether 8758machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about 8759as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. 8760 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 8761% 8762Alas, how love can trifle with itself! 8763 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" 8764% 8765Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 8766 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] 8767% 8768ALASKA: 8769 A prelude to "No." 8770% 8771Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself 8772or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has 8773a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and 8774Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. 8775 -- Tom Robbins 8776% 8777Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 8778telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New 8779York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? 8780And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 8781receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." 8782% 8783ALBRECHT'S LAW: 8784 Social innovations tend to the level 8785 of minimum tolerable well-being. 8786% 8787Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. 8788The surest poison is time. 8789 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Society and Solitude" 8790% 8791Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. 8792 -- George Bernard Shaw 8793% 8794Alden's Laws: 8795 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 8796 of pregnancy. 8797 (2) Always be backlit. 8798 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 8799% 8800Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 8801Aleph-null bottles of beer, 8802 You take one down, and pass it around, 8803Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 8804% 8805Alex Haley was adopted! 8806% 8807Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well 8808in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. 8809% 8810Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was 8811the closest our country has ever been to being even. 8812 -- The Best of Will Rogers 8813% 8814Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 8815 -- Philippe Schnoebelen 8816% 8817Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most 8818important programming language yet developed. 8819 -- T. Cheatham 8820% 8821ALGORITHM: 8822 Trendy dance for hip programmers. 8823% 8824Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. 8825% 8826Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of 8827them keeps paying for it. 8828 -- Peggy Joyce 8829% 8830Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. 8831 -- Arthur Baer 8832% 8833Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. 8834 -- Norman Mailer 8835% 8836Alimony is the high cost of leaving. 8837% 8838Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est. 8839% 8840Alive without breath, 8841As cold as death; 8842Never thirsty, ever drinking, 8843All in mail ever clinking. 8844% 8845All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire. 8846% 8847All art is but imitation of nature. 8848 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 8849% 8850All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. 8851 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of 8852 Catiline", by Sallust 8853% 8854All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely 8855than others. 8856 -- Alan Truscott 8857% 8858All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts. 8859 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 8860% 8861All constants are variables. 8862% 8863All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. 8864 -- Chou En Lai 8865% 8866All extremists should be taken out and shot. 8867% 8868All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing 8869without thinking. 8870% 8871All flesh is grass. 8872 -- Isaiah 40:6 8873Smoke a friend today. 8874% 8875All generalizations are false, including this one. 8876 -- Mark Twain 8877% 8878All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, 8879barely presentable. 8880 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 8881% 8882All Gods were immortal. 8883 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 8884% 8885All great discoveries are made by mistake. 8886 -- Young 8887% 8888All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. 8889% 8890All heiresses are beautiful. 8891 -- John Dryden 8892% 8893All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, 8894to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. 8895 -- Yoda 8896% 8897All hope abandon, ye who enter here! 8898 -- Dante Alighieri 8899% 8900All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 8901% 8902All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own 8903importance. 8904% 8905All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, 8906ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. 8907 -- Kingfish 8908% 8909All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that 8910makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and 8911an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. 8912 -- Samuel Beckett 8913% 8914All I need to have a good time, 8915Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 8916With those three things I don't need no sunshine, 8917A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 8918 8919All I want is to never grow old, 8920I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 8921I want 97 kilos already rolled, 8922I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 8923 8924I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills, 8925I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 8926I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, 8927I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 8928 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" 8929% 8930All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 8931 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 8932% 8933All intelligent species own cats. 8934% 8935All is fear in love and war. 8936% 8937All is well that ends well. 8938 -- John Heywood 8939% 8940All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the 8941throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be 8942practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie 8943Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers 8944that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, 8945that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot. 8946% 8947All kings is mostly rapscallions. 8948 -- Mark Twain 8949% 8950All laws are simulations of reality. 8951 -- John C. Lilly 8952% 8953All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. 8954 -- Richard Dawkins 8955% 8956All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are 8957Socrates. 8958 -- Woody Allen 8959% 8960All men have the right to wait in line. 8961% 8962All men know the utility of useful things; 8963but they do not know the utility of futility. 8964 -- Chuang Tzu 8965% 8966All men profess honesty as long as they can. 8967To believe all men honest would be folly. 8968To believe none so is something worse. 8969 -- John Quincy Adams 8970% 8971All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, 8972a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. 8973Definitely a dog. 8974% 8975All most people ask of life is a constant 8976and exaggerated sense of their own importance. 8977% 8978All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. 8979% 8980All my friends and I are crazy. 8981That's the only thing that keeps us sane. 8982% 8983All my friends are getting married, 8984Yes, they're all growing old, 8985They're all staying home on the weekend, 8986They're all doing what they're told. 8987% 8988All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. 8989 -- Jane Wagner 8990% 8991ALL NEW: 8992 Parts not interchangeable with previous model. 8993% 8994All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from 8995the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. 8996% 8997All of the animals except man know that 8998the principal business of life is to enjoy it. 8999% 9000All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs 9001synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to 9002rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all 9003of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." 9004 -- Steven Wright 9005% 9006All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. 9007 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon" 9008% 9009All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a 9010Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, 9011tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: 9012"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." 9013 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" 9014% 9015All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of 9016the United States. 9017 -- Vic Gold 9018% 9019All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the 9020parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you 9021can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do 9022not use a hammer. 9023 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925 9024% 9025All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. 9026 -- Groucho Marx 9027% 9028All phone calls are obscene. 9029 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon 9030% 9031All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. 9032 -- Susan Sontag 9033% 9034All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 9035% 9036All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts 9037those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds 9038of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end 9039goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, 9040and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, 9041the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found 9042the last bug." 9043 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 9044% 9045All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 9046% 9047All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism 9048to live beyond its income. 9049 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 9050% 9051All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 9052 -- Ernest Rutherford 9053% 9054All seems condemned in the long run 9055to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. 9056 -- James Martin 9057% 9058All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. 9059 -- Saint Patrick 9060% 9061All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. 9062% 9063All that glitters has a high refractive index. 9064% 9065All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. 9066% 9067All that is gold does not glitter, 9068Not all those who wander are lost; 9069The old that is strong does not wither, 9070Deep roots are not reached by the frost. 9071From the ashes a fire shall be woken, 9072A light from the shadows shall spring; 9073Renewed shall be blade that was broken, 9074The crownless again shall be king. 9075 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 9076% 9077All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, 9078too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you 9079subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you 9080can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. 9081Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax 9082decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What 9083if it rains?" 9084 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 9085% 9086All the evidence concerning the universe 9087has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. 9088% 9089All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg, 9090It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen 9091With all the words gone, They all had their day 9092What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin' 9093 9094But of all the words written The bird is a strange one, 9095And all the lines read, So small and so tender 9096There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown, 9097And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender. 9098 9099It reminds me of days of So what is this line 9100Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown 9101It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle 9102And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown? 9103 9104I've read all the greats 9105Both starving and fat, 9106But none was as great as 9107"I tot I taw a puddy tat." 9108 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood" 9109% 9110All the men on my staff can type. 9111 -- Bella Abzug 9112% 9113...all the modern inconveniences... 9114 -- Mark Twain 9115% 9116All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most 9117ridiculous ones. 9118 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 9119% 9120All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. 9121 -- Grant Wood 9122% 9123All the simple programs have been written. 9124% 9125All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by 9126the government in less than a second. 9127 -- Jim Fiebig 9128% 9129All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. 9130% 9131All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed. 9132 -- Sean O'Casey 9133% 9134All the world's a VAX, 9135And all the coders merely butchers; 9136They have their exits and their entrails; 9137And one int in his time plays many widths, 9138His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, 9139Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 9140And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 9141And shining morning face, creeping like slug 9142Unwillingly to school. 9143 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 9144% 9145All theoretical chemistry is really physics; 9146and all theoretical chemists know it. 9147 -- Richard P. Feynman 9148% 9149All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. 9150% 9151All things being equal, you are bound to lose. 9152% 9153All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. 9154 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 9155% 9156All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, 9157it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 9158 -- Henry Tyroon 9159% 9160All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 9161% 9162All warranty and guarantee clauses 9163become null and void upon payment of invoice. 9164% 9165All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes 9166infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in 9167which he was born. 9168 -- Francois Fenelon 9169% 9170All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each 9171other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. 9172This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with 9173our lives." 9174 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell" 9175% 9176All who joy would win Must share it -- 9177Happiness was born a twin. 9178 -- Lord Byron 9179% 9180All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. 9181% 9182All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent 9183upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a 9184visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is 9185informing, stimulating and ennobling. 9186 -- H. L. Mencken 9187% 9188Allen's Axiom: 9189 When all else fails, read the instructions. 9190% 9191Alliance, n.: 9192 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have 9193 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they 9194 cannot separately plunder a third. 9195 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9196% 9197All's well that ends. 9198% 9199Almost anything derogatory you could say 9200about today's software design would be accurate. 9201 -- K. E. Iverson 9202% 9203Alone, adj.: 9204 In bad company. 9205 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9206% 9207Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had 9208to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. 9209% 9210alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify. 9211ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question. 9212baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks. 9213Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts. 9214baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards. 9215beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often 9216 found in baas. 9217caaa, n: An automobile. 9218centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or 9219 someone involved with the Knicks.) 9220chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base. 9221dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or 9222 computation. 9223 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 9224% 9225Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight 9226Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. 9227 -- Dave Barry 9228% 9229Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for 9230buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham 9231Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that 9232reason. He knows it because he fired the guy. 9233 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I 9234bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. 9235"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" 9236 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 9237% 9238Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. 9239% 9240Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, 9241mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have 9242any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place 9243to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, 9244Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a 9245serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the 9246same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely 9247that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A 9248penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job 9249running the post office. 9250 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 9251% 9252Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 9253reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day 9254life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor 9255minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the 9256apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties 9257of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade 9258through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour 9259those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this 9260reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical 9261Gamekeeping." 9262 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) 9263% 9264Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. 9265% 9266Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. 9267 -- Mark Twain 9268% 9269Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. 9270% 9271Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. 9272% 9273Always run from a knife and rush a gun. 9274 -- Jimmy Hoffa 9275% 9276Always store beer in a dark place. 9277% 9278Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. 9279 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 9280% 9281Always there remain portions of our heart 9282into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may. 9283% 9284Always think of something new; this 9285helps you forget your last rotten idea. 9286 -- Seth Frankel 9287% 9288Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing 9289that way. 9290% 9291Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. 9292% 9293AMAZING BUT TRUE... 9294 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to 9295 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 9296% 9297AMAZING BUT TRUE... 9298 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it 9299 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 9300% 9301Ambidextrous, adj.: 9302 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 9303 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9304% 9305AMBIGUITY: 9306 Telling the truth when you don't mean to. 9307% 9308Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 9309 -- Charlie McCarthy 9310% 9311Ambition, n.: 9312 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while 9313 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. 9314 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9315% 9316America: born free and taxed to death. 9317% 9318America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. 9319 -- Oscar Wilde 9320% 9321America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? 9322 -- Allen Ginsberg 9323% 9324America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, 9325and the scum rises to the top. 9326 -- Utah Phillips 9327% 9328America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort. 9329 -- President John F. Kennedy 9330 9331The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not 9332be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but 9333living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil 9334Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so. 9335 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 9336 9337The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that 9338from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult 9339to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the 9340Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights 9341of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised 9342by the majority they were at the time. 9343 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren 9344% 9345America is the country where you buy a lifetime 9346supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. 9347% 9348America may be unique in being a country which has leapt 9349from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. 9350 -- John O'Hara 9351% 9352America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until 9353people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its 9354name to "America". 9355 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 9356% 9357America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" 9358% 9359American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective 9360employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for 9361employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference 9362between the men's room and the women's room without having little 9363pictures on the doors. 9364 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" 9365% 9366American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. 9367% 9368American cars are made shoddily... 9369Cars made overseas are far superior. 9370 -- Barry Goldwater 9371% 9372[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything 9373we allow them short of hanging. 9374 -- Samuel Johnson 9375 9376America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its 9377tail it knocks over a chair. 9378 -- Arnold Toynbee 9379 9380The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 9381everybody and still nobody likes him. 9382 -- Jim Samuels 9383% 9384Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. 9385% 9386Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out 9387to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. 9388 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" 9389% 9390America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. 9391% 9392Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. 9393% 9394AMOEBIT: 9395 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply 9396 and divide at the same time. 9397% 9398Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman. 9399 -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407) 9400% 9401Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. 9402% 9403An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants. 9404 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live 9405% 9406An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. 9407 -- Marlon Brando 9408% 9409An Ada exception is when a routine gets 9410in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty." 9411% 9412An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. 9413% 9414An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because 9415people refuse to see it. 9416 -- James Michener, "Space" 9417% 9418An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of 9419his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and 9420asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?" 9421 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?" 9422% 9423An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. 9424 -- Dylan Thomas 9425% 9426An algorithm must be seen to be believed. 9427 -- Donald E. Knuth 9428% 9429An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad 9430to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. 9431 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639) 9432% 9433An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment 9434to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to 9435and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. 9436 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English 9437 language. 9438% 9439An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. 9440 -- A Chinese child 9441% 9442An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize 9443winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that 9444over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the 9445open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not 9446let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh, 9447 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck, 9448do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --" 9449Bohr chuckled. 9450 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am 9451scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told 9452that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not." 9453% 9454An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian 9455about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars. 9456 9457American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you 9458 get to work?" 9459Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public 9460 transportation everywhere." 9461A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?" 9462R: "We take the train." 9463A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" 9464R: "We don't ever want go abroad." 9465A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" 9466R: "We take tanks." 9467% 9468An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize 9469the president but is always polite to traffic cops. 9470% 9471An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New 9472Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not 9473new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 9474 -- David Letterman 9475% 9476An aphorism is never exactly true; 9477it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. 9478 -- Karl Kraus 9479% 9480An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat 9481him last. 9482 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954 9483% 9484An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. 9485% 9486An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. 9487% 9488An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. 9489% 9490An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. 9491% 9492An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. 9493 -- Isaac Asimov 9494% 9495An attachment a la Plato 9496for a bashful young potato 9497or a, not too French, french bean 9498must excite your languid spleen. 9499For, if you walk down Picadilly 9500with a poppy or lily 9501in your medieval hand, 9502every one will say, 9503as you walk your flowery way; 9504"If this young man is content, 9505with a vegetable love 9506which would certainly not content me. 9507Why, what a very pure young man 9508this pure young man must be!" 9509 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience" 9510 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde] 9511% 9512An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 9513murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's 9514mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 9515Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 9516suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 9517murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 9518% 9519An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you 9520really care to know. 9521% 9522An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. 9523% 9524An economist is a man who would marry 9525Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. 9526% 9527An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. 9528 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 9529% 9530An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 9531% 9532An efficient and a successful administration manifests 9533itself equally in small as in great matters. 9534 -- Winston Churchill 9535% 9536An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, 9537in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. 9538 -- Homer Ferguson 9539% 9540An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane 9541when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When 9542several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a 9543despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his 9544usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. 9545 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband 9546barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but 9547I've already paid them half of it." 9548 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed 9549euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" 9550% 9551An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 9552% 9553An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an 9554anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt 9555already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the 9556engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later 9557the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now 9558has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the 9559mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he 9560was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of 9561humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too 9562trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. 9563% 9564An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. 9565% 9566An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded 9567summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your 9568arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey 9569responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" 9570% 9571An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 9572 -- A. P. Herbert 9573% 9574An evil mind is a great comfort. 9575% 9576An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears 9577a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised 9578only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich 9579Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 9580incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 9581excellence: 9582 9583"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 9584discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 9585to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 9586things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 9587parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 9588timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 9589doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 9590Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 9591school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 9592successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 9593they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 9594 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 9595% 9596An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. 9597% 9598...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often 9599picturesque liar. 9600 -- Mark Twain 9601% 9602An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a 9603very narrow field. 9604 -- Niels Bohr 9605% 9606An expert is a person who avoids the small errors 9607as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. 9608 -- Benjamin Stolberg 9609% 9610An expert is one who knows more and more about less 9611and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything. 9612% 9613An eye in a blue face 9614Saw an eye in a green face. 9615"That eye is like this eye" 9616Said the first eye, 9617"But in low place, 9618Not in high place." 9619% 9620An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort 9621Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport. 9622A manly man, to be a wizard able; 9623Many a protected file he had sitting on his table. 9624His console, when he typed, a man might hear 9625Clicking and feeping wind as clear, 9626Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell 9627Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell. 9628The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor 9629As old and strict he tended to ignore; 9630He let go by the things of yesterday 9631And took the modern world's more spacious way. 9632He did not rate that text as a plucked hen 9633Which says that Hackers are not holy men. 9634And that a hacker underworked is a mere 9635Fish out of water, flapping on the pier. 9636That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister. 9637That was a text he held not worth an oyster. 9638And I agreed and said his views were sound; 9639Was he to study till his head wend round 9640Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil 9641As Andy bade and till the very soil? 9642Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? 9643Let Andy have his labor to himself! 9644 -- Chaucer 9645 [well, almost. Ed.] 9646% 9647An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. 9648 -- Simon Cameron 9649 9650There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When 9651bought they stay bought. 9652 -- Bill Moyers 9653% 9654An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. 9655 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 9656% 9657An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these 9658eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as 9659possible. 9660 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" 9661% 9662An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 9663% 9664An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. 9665 -- Henry Ford 9666% 9667An idle mind is worth two in the bush. 9668% 9669An infallible method of conciliating a tiger 9670is to allow oneself to be devoured. 9671 -- Konrad Adenauer 9672% 9673An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. 9674 -- Albert Camus 9675% 9676An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if 9677each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the 9678function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated 9679by the corresponding row and column labels. 9680 -- Genesereth & Nilsson, 9681 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence" 9682% 9683An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. 9684 -- Benjamin Franklin 9685% 9686An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and 9687great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of 9688a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors 9689have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four 9690hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming 9691of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel." 9692 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured. 9693"Grandmother is baking strudel right now." 9694 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of 9695strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world." 9696 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old 9697man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed. 9698 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers. 9699 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the 9700funeral." 9701% 9702An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. 9703 -- Don Marquis 9704% 9705An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. 9706A pessimist is a married optimist. 9707% 9708An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation. 9709% 9710An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. 9711 -- Michael Korda 9712% 9713An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. 9714 -- Spanish proverb 9715% 9716An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge. 9717% 9718Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no 9719government at all. 9720% 9721And all that the Lorax left here in this mess 9722was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." 9723Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess. 9724That was long, long ago, and each day since that day, 9725I've worried and worried and worried away. 9726Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart, 9727I've worried about it with all of my heart. 9728 9729"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here, 9730the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear! 9731UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, 9732nothing is going to get better - it's not. 9733So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall. 9734"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all! 9735 9736"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds. 9737And truffula trees are what everyone needs. 9738Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. 9739Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. 9740Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. 9741Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" 9742 -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax" 9743% 9744And as we stand on the edge of darkness 9745Let our chant fill the void 9746That others may know 9747 9748 In the land of the night 9749 The ship of the sun 9750 Is drawn by 9751 The grateful dead. 9752 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 9753% 9754And did those feet, in ancient times, 9755Walk upon England's mountains green? 9756And was the Holy Lamb of God 9757In England's pleasant pastures seen? 9758And did the Countenance Divine 9759Shine forth upon these crowded hills? 9760And was Jerusalem builded here 9761Among these dark satanic mills? 9762 9763Bring me my bow of burning gold! 9764Bring me my arrows of desire! 9765Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold! 9766Bring me my chariot of fire! 9767I shall not cease from mental fight, 9768Nor shall my sword rest in my hand, 9769Till we have built Jerusalem 9770In England's green and pleasant land. 9771 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 9772% 9773And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel? 9774% 9775And ever has it been known that 9776love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. 9777 -- Kahlil Gibran 9778% 9779And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, 9780"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red 9781to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in 9782greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he 9783spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and 9784he shouted out, "YOPP!" 9785 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! 9786Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! 9787They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what 9788I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their 9789whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" 9790 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now 9791on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect 9792them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From 9793the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect 9794them. No matter how small-ish!" 9795 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" 9796% 9797And here I wait so patiently 9798Waiting to find out what price 9799You have to pay to get out of 9800Going thru all of these things twice 9801 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again" 9802% 9803And I alone am returned to wag the tail. 9804% 9805And I heard Jeff exclaim, 9806As they strolled out of sight, 9807"Merry Christmas to all -- 9808You take credit cards, right?" 9809 -- "Outsiders" comic 9810% 9811And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big 9812ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The 9813little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about 9814them, aren't braced against them. 9815 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" 9816% 9817And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! 9818My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez 9819Addams -- he was good for nothing." 9820 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family 9821% 9822And if California slides into the ocean, 9823Like the mystics and statistics say it will. 9824I predict this motel will be standing, 9825Until I've paid my bill. 9826 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves" 9827% 9828And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee, 9829"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy! 9830% 9831And if you wonder, 9832What I am doing, 9833As I am heading for the sink. 9834I am spitting out all the bitterness, 9835Along with half of my last drink. 9836% 9837And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead, 9838Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. 9839 -- Joan Baez 9840% 9841And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing 9842what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. 9843 -- David Jones 9844% 9845And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man. 9846 -- A. E. Housman 9847% 9848And miles to go before I sleep. 9849% 9850And now for something completely the same. 9851% 9852And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty 9853And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines, 9854The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts, 9855And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs. 9856 9857We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence 9858The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb, 9859But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover, 9860Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged- 9861 9862Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage 9863And code in a queue Have been biding their time, 9864Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs, 9865We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme. 9866 9867Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. 9868We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. 9869Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. 9870You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean 9871 hand... 9872% 9873And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. 9874% 9875And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 9876% 9877And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of 9878your own. 9879 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter 9880 Preposterous Words 9881% 9882...and report cards I was always afraid to show 9883Mama'd come to school 9884and as I'd sit there softly cryin' 9885Teacher'd say he's just not tryin' 9886Got a good head if he'd apply it 9887but you know yourself 9888it's always somewhere else 9889I'd build me a castle 9890with dragons and kings 9891and I'd ride off with them 9892As I stood by my window 9893and looked out on those 9894Brooklyn roads 9895 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads" 9896% 9897And so it was, later, 9898As the miller told his tale, 9899That her face, at first just ghostly, 9900Turned a whiter shade of pale. 9901 -- Procol Harum 9902% 9903And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and 9904fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it 9905looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One 9906approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin 9907is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then 9908of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides 9909gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this 9910procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom 9911youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and 9912Orson Welles. 9913 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 9914% 9915And that's the way it is... 9916 -- Walter Cronkite 9917% 9918And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, 9919turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, 9920the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no 9921clothes! He is naked!" 9922 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes" 9923% 9924And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that 9925black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and 9926penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while 9927white children begin with a small separation but increase it during 9928growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. 9929 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" 9930% 9931And the silence came surging softly backwards 9932When the plunging hooves were gone... 9933 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" 9934% 9935And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man 9936with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. 9937% 9938And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal 9939rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, 9940which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced 9941in design as one will find anywhere in the world. 9942 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 9943% 9944And this is good old Boston, 9945The home of the bean and the cod, 9946Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, 9947And the Cabots talk only to God. 9948% 9949And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. 9950 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version 9951% 9952And we heard him exclaim 9953As he started to roam: 9954"I'm a hologram, kids, 9955please don't try this at home!'" 9956 -- Bob Violence 9957% 9958And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical 9959ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's 9960Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the 9961economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to 9962give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size 9963of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU 9964exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails 9965and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic 9966without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long 9967afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average 9968loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious 9969engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly 9970shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport. 9971 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 9972% 9973And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? 9974 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same. 9975 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine 9976 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?" 9977 -- The Grateful Dead 9978% 9979And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to 9980have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon 9981the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let 9982loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: 9983in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest 9984license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. 9985 -- Charles Dickens 9986% 9987And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a 9988sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, 9989and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to 9990face, we have politics. 9991 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, 9992 "Root Crops and Ground Cover" 9993% 9994And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, 9995because the bars close every time you're thirsty... 9996% 9997"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for 9998you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going 9999and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said 10000he, earnestly. 10001 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" 10002% 10003Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. 10004Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _n_e_e_d_s heroes. 10005 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" 10006% 10007Andrea's Admonition: 10008 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. 10009 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, 10010 it isn't and he can. 10011% 10012ANDROPHOBIA: 10013 Fear of men. 10014% 10015Angels we have heard on High 10016Tell us to go out and Buy. 10017 -- Tom Lehrer 10018% 10019Anger is momentary madness. 10020 -- Horace 10021% 10022Anger kills as surely as the other vices. 10023% 10024Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. 10025Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. 10026 -- Lazarus Long 10027% 10028Ankh if you love Isis. 10029% 10030Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! 10031 10032Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! 10033 10034Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with 10035just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs, 10036cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all 10037at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans 10038think you can, and that's the point, right?) 10039% 10040Anoint, v.: 10041 To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently 10042 slippery. 10043 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10044% 10045Another day, another dollar. 10046 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, 10047 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald 10048 Reagan. 10049% 10050Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build 10051and nobody wants to do maintenance. 10052 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Hocus Pocus" 10053% 10054Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 10055% 10056Another megabytes the dust. 10057% 10058Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 10059television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom 10060and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that 10061offers whiter teeth *_a_n_d* fresher breath. 10062 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 10063% 10064Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. 10065 -- Pyrrhus 10066% 10067Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. 10068 -- Proverbs 26:5 10069% 10070Anthony's Law of Force: 10071 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 10072% 10073Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 10074 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 10075 corner of the workshop. 10076 10077Corollary: 10078 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 10079 your toes. 10080% 10081Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. 10082Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. 10083% 10084Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. 10085% 10086Antonio Antonio 10087Was tired of living alonio 10088He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio 10089Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio 10090Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid 10091 In a bowery shade, 10092 Sitting and knitting alonio. 10093Antonio Antonio 10094Said if you will be my ownio 10095I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio 10096And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio 10097An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish 10098 You singular fish 10099 Is that you will quickly begonio. 10100Antonio Antonio 10101Uttered a dismal moanio 10102And went off and hid 10103Or I'm told that he did 10104In the Antarctical Zonio. 10105% 10106Antonym, n.: 10107 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 10108% 10109Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig 10110[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off 10111Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast 10112cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. 10113Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on 10114them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. 10115 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast 10116 cars across Europe. 10117% 10118Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts 10119which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. 10120% 10121Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 10122 -- Charles McCabe 10123% 10124Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a 10125mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside 10126than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? 10127And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? 10128Is there a better way to die? 10129 -- Charles Lindbergh 10130% 10131Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a 10132representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a 10133representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone 10134capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. 10135 -- Richard Schickel 10136% 10137Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 10138 -- Aesop 10139% 10140Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this 10141country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week. 10142% 10143Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a 10144wise person to be able to sell it. 10145% 10146Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know 10147how to lie well. 10148 -- Samuel Butler 10149% 10150Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look 10151stupid. 10152 -- Hedy Lamarr 10153% 10154Any given program will expand to fill available memory. 10155% 10156Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- 10157a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my 10158grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the 10159fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly 10160true. 10161 -- Solomon Short 10162% 10163Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. 10164% 10165Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit 10166rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out 10167of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that 10168requires a heroism which is transcendent. 10169 -- Henry Ward Beecher 10170% 10171Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. 10172 -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields 10173% 10174Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be 10175liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall 10176be deemed to be a cat. 10177 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London 10178% 10179Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. 10180 -- Sydney J. Harris 10181% 10182Any president should have the right to shoot 10183at least two people a year without explanation. 10184 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press 10185% 10186Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. 10187 -- Lazarus Long 10188% 10189Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer 10190of indirection. 10191 -- David Wheeler 10192% 10193Any program which runs right is obsolete. 10194% 10195Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. 10196% 10197Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. 10198Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. 10199From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. 10200 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" 10201% 10202Any small object that is accidentally 10203dropped will hide under a larger object. 10204% 10205Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to 10206exactly the point of most pressure. 10207 -- Milt Barber 10208% 10209Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. 10210 -- Rich Kulawiec 10211% 10212Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. 10213% 10214Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 10215 -- Arthur C. Clarke 10216% 10217Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason 10218given proper legal counsel. 10219 -- Alfred Perlstein 10220% 10221Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked 10222something. 10223% 10224Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 10225 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 10226% 10227Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 10228% 10229Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen 10230has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. 10231 -- J. P. Morgan 10232% 10233Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years 10234organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. 10235 -- David Broder 10236% 10237Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the 10238sight of a police car is probably parked. 10239% 10240Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 10241% 10242Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right 10243person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose 10244and in the right way -- that is not easy. 10245 -- Aristotle 10246% 10247Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 10248supposed to be doing at the moment. 10249 -- Robert Benchley 10250% 10251Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 10252 -- Publilius Syrus 10253% 10254Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with 10255none. 10256% 10257Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the 10258first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no 10259explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for 10260intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of 10261thought on every occasion. 10262 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) 10263% 10264Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. 10265% 10266Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my 10267extremely humble opinion. 10268 -- Philip Paeps 10269% 10270Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he 10271is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not 10272make messes in the house. 10273 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 10274% 10275Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. 10276 -- Robert A. Heinlein 10277% 10278Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence. 10279 -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry 10280% 10281Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 10282 -- Samuel Goldwyn 10283% 10284Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you 10285that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" 10286is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime 10287mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. 10288 -- Elizabeth Zwicky 10289% 10290Anyone who has had a bull by the tail 10291knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. 10292 -- Mark Twain 10293% 10294Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time 10295as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. 10296 -- Philippus Paracelsus 10297% 10298Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no 10299account be allowed to do the job. 10300 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 10301% 10302Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, 10303recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one 10304particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. 10305 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 10306% 10307Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. 10308 -- Groucho Marx 10309% 10310Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never 10311tried taking candy from a baby. 10312 -- Robin Hood 10313% 10314Anything anybody can say about America is true. 10315 -- Emmett Grogan 10316% 10317Anything cut to length will be too short. 10318% 10319Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 10320% 10321Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. 10322% 10323Anything is possible on paper. 10324 -- Ron McAfee 10325% 10326Anything is possible, unless it's not. 10327% 10328Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. 10329The label means the price went up. 10330The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 10331means the price went way up. 10332% 10333Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. 10334% 10335Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto 10336undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. 10337 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" 10338% 10339Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 10340% 10341Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this 10342big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- 10343nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy 10344cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go 10345over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're 10346going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do 10347all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, 10348but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. 10349 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" 10350% 10351Apathy Club meeting this Friday. 10352If you want to come, you're not invited. 10353% 10354Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution. 10355% 10356APHASIA: 10357 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked 10358 at parties, "But of what use is your research?" 10359% 10360Aphorism, n.: 10361 A concise, clever statement. 10362Afterism, n.: 10363 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 10364 -- James Alexander Thom 10365% 10366APL hackers do it in the quad. 10367% 10368APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the 10369future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation 10370of coding bums. 10371 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 10372% 10373APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; 10374...and is best for educational purposes. 10375 -- Alan J. Perlis 10376% 10377APL is a write-only language. I can write programs 10378in APL, but I can't read any of them. 10379 -- Roy Keir 10380% 10381Appearances often are deceiving. 10382 -- Aesop 10383% 10384APPENDIX: 10385 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. 10386% 10387Applause, n.: 10388 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. 10389 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10390% 10391April is the cruelest month... 10392 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot 10393% 10394Aquadextrous, adj.: 10395 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub 10396 faucet on and off with your toes. 10397 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 10398% 10399AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 10400 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 10401 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be 10402 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over 10403 and over again. People think you are stupid. 10404% 10405AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) 10406 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely 10407 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot 10408 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on 10409 payday. Stop wetting your bed. 10410% 10411AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18) 10412 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what 10413 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either. 10414 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your 10415 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be 10416 able to lend you a few bucks. 10417% 10418Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential 10419ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common 10420cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking 10421cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, 10422then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've 10423never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. 10424 -- Peter Nelson 10425% 10426Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: 10427 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing 10428general can be said." 10429% 10430ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- 10431 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE 10432% 10433Are we not men? 10434% 10435Are we running light with overbyte? 10436% 10437Are Women Human? 10438In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men 10439representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. 10440The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one 10441vote. 10442% 10443Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10444say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10445 10446 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. 10447 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? 10448 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too? 10449 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel? 10450 Aren't you ashamed of yourself? 10451 Don't you know any better? 10452 How could you be so stupid? 10453 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. 10454 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. 10455 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. 10456% 10457Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10458say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10459 10460 Do as I say, not as I do. 10461 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know. 10462 What did you do *this* time? 10463 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you. 10464 When I was your age... 10465 I won't love you if you keep doing that. 10466 Think of all the starving children in India. 10467 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar. 10468 I'm going to kill you. 10469 Way to go, clumsy. 10470 If you don't like it, you can lump it. 10471% 10472Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10473say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10474 10475 Go away. You bother me. 10476 Why? Because life is unfair. 10477 That's a nice drawing. What is it? 10478 Children should be seen and not heard. 10479 You'll be the death of me. 10480 You'll understand when you're older. 10481 Because. 10482 Wipe that smile off your face. 10483 I don't believe you. 10484 How many times have I told you to be careful? 10485 Just because. 10486% 10487Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10488say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10489 10490 Good children always obey. 10491 Quit acting so childish. 10492 Boys don't cry. 10493 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. 10494 Why do you have to know so much? 10495 This hurts me more than it hurts you. 10496 Why? Because I'm bigger than you. 10497 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? 10498 Oh, grow up. 10499 I'm only doing this because I love you. 10500% 10501Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10502say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10503 10504 When are you going to grow up? 10505 I'm only doing this for your own good. 10506 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to 10507 cry about. 10508 What's wrong with you? 10509 Someday you'll thank me for this. 10510 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. 10511 Don't you have any sense at all? 10512 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. 10513 Why? Because I said so. 10514 I hope you have a kid just like yourself. 10515% 10516Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10517say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10518 10519 You wouldn't understand. 10520 You ask too many questions. 10521 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders. 10522 That's for me to know and you to find out. 10523 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick 10524 up for yourself. 10525 You're acting too big for your britches. 10526 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied? 10527 Wait till your father gets home. 10528 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you. 10529 Shape up or ship out. 10530% 10531Are you a turtle? 10532% 10533Are you making all this up as you go along? 10534% 10535Are you sure the back door is locked? 10536% 10537Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. 10538 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 10539% 10540Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone 10541in good society holds exactly the same opinion. 10542 -- Oscar Wilde 10543% 10544Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. 10545 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 10546% 10547ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 10548 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are 10549 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not 10550 very nice. 10551% 10552ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) 10553 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person 10554 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've 10555 got a mean streak in you a mile wide. 10556% 10557ARITHMETIC: 10558 An obscure art no longer practiced in 10559 the world's developed countries. 10560% 10561Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. 10562 -- Mickey Mouse 10563% 10564Armadillo, v.: 10565 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. 10566% 10567Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh 10568autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet 10569Union. 10570 -- P. J. O'Rourke 10571% 10572Armor's Axiom: 10573 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. 10574% 10575Armstrong's Collection Law: 10576 If the check is truly in the mail, 10577 it is surely made out to someone else. 10578% 10579Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 10580 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 10581 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 10582 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 10583 first two laws. 10584% 10585Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to 10586measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you 10587imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? 10588 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 10589% 10590Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote 10591a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from 10592one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work 10593to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death. 10594(He died in 1921.) 10595 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth, 10596flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this 10597fantasy... 10598 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung? 10599And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This 10600instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the 10601piece would be better known as: 10602 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"! 10603% 10604Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's 10605incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." 10606 -- Muad'dib, "Dune" 10607% 10608Art is a jealous mistress. 10609 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 10610% 10611Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. 10612 -- Picasso 10613% 10614Art is anything you can get away with. 10615 -- Marshall McLuhan 10616% 10617Art is either plagiarism or revolution. 10618 -- Paul Gauguin 10619% 10620Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. 10621 -- Chazal 10622% 10623"Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant. 10624 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 10625% 10626Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. 10627% 10628Arthur's Laws of Love: 10629 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 10630 remind them of someone else. 10631 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will 10632 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool 10633 of yourself in person. 10634% 10635Article the Third: 10636 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should 10637 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and 10638 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary. 10639Article the Fourth: 10640 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee" 10641 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's 10642 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war. 10643Article the Fifth: 10644 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church, 10645 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the 10646 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have 10647 to last a lifetime and must be conserved. 10648 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights" 10649% 10650Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as 10651artificial flowers have to flowers. 10652 -- David Parnas 10653% 10654Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 10655% 10656As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 10657% 10658As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 10659interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick 10660perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, 10661"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... 10662 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 10663% 10664As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and 10665I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. 10666This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10667 -- Matt Cartmill 10668% 10669As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing 10670a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. 10671Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different 10672glass. 10673 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out 10674with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. 10675 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With 10676a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer 10677down in one gulp. 10678 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the 10679fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a 10680firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. 10681NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!" 10682% 10683As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. 10684 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 10685% 10686As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp 10687the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at 10688a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. 10689 -- Joseph Brodsky 10690% 10691As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not 10692certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 10693 -- Albert Einstein 10694% 10695As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 10696 -- Weisert 10697% 10698As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. 10699 -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear" 10700% 10701As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em, 10702We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. 10703 -- Frederic Reynolds 10704% 10705As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter 10706of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. 10707 -- John F. Kennedy 10708% 10709As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. 10710% 10711As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought 10712the potato salad. 10713% 10714As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of 10715religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the 10716methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions -- 10717to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven 10718years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the 10719untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy -- 10720and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and 10721high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are 10722surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind. 10723 -- Steve Allen 10724% 10725As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very 10726pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! 10727 -- Jack Handey 10728% 10729As I thought, no better from this side. 10730 -- Eeyore 10731% 10732As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 10733 Feeling worse and worser, 10734There I met a C.R.T. 10735 And it drop't me a cursor. 10736 10737C.R.T., C.R.T., 10738 Phosphors light on you! 10739If I had fifty hours a day 10740 I'd spend them all at you. 10741 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 10742% 10743As I was passing Project MAC, 10744I met a Quux with seven hacks. 10745Every hack had seven bugs; 10746Every bug had seven manifestations; 10747Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 10748Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 10749How many losses at Project MAC? 10750% 10751As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, 10752I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, 10753The words were torn and tattered, 10754From the storm the night before, 10755The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, 10756 10757Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, 10758Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, 10759Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, 10760And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star. 10761 10762Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire, 10763Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, 10764Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three, 10765And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. 10766% 10767As in certain cults it is possible to 10768kill a process if you know its true name. 10769 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie 10770% 10771As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into 10772smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different 10773in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting 10774norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a 10775computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by 10776IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish 10777standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original 10778standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan 10779allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive 10780innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and 10781imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven 10782images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies 10783on the austerity of the word. 10784 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 10785% 10786As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 10787industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech 10788and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That 10789man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American 10790talk like that. 10791 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) 10792% 10793As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 10794% 10795As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic 10796schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve 10797The Problem, saving the documentation for later. 10798% 10799As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. 10800When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. 10801 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" 10802% 10803As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 10804One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 10805useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 10806 10807Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 10808 10809 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. 10810 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. 10811 3. Some people never look at me. 10812 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. 10813 5. My sex life is A-okay. 10814 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 10815 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. 10816 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. 10817 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. 1081810. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. 1081911. I think most people would cry to gain a point. 1082012. I cannot read or write. 1082113. I am bored by thoughts of death. 1082214. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. 1082315. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. 1082416. I am never startled by a fish. 1082517. My mother's uncle was a good man. 1082618. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. 1082719. People who break the law are wise guys. 1082820. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 10829% 10830As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 10831One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 10832useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 10833 10834Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 10835 10836 1. I think beavers work too hard. 10837 2. I use shoe polish to excess. 10838 3. God is love. 10839 4. I like mannish children. 10840 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. 10841 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. 10842 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. 10843 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. 10844 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. 1084510. Frantic screams make me nervous. 1084611. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room 10847 full of mice. 1084812. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. 1084913. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. 1085014. As a child I was deprived of licorice. 1085115. I would never shake hands with a gardener. 1085216. My eyes are always cold. 1085317. Cousins are not to be trusted. 1085418. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 1085519. I am never startled by a fish. 1085620. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 10857% 10858As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape, 10859The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape; 10860It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field, 10861An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel! 10862Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie, 10863Follow it through, me canny lad O; 10864Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie, 10865Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O! 10866 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 10867% 10868As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. 10869Please update your programs. 10870% 10871As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. 10872Please update your programs. 10873% 10874As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 10875% 10876As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of 10877the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: 10878 10879News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: 10880 10881 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d 10882 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources 10883 Keywords: C sources 10884 Distribution: na 10885 10886 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the 10887 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the 10888 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I 10889 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.) 10890 10891 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If 10892 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate 10893 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that 10894 must be done? 10895% 10896As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; 10897a process that traditionally requires some debugging. 10898 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service 10899 conversion to a new computer system. 10900% 10901As some day it may happen that a victim must be found 10902I've got a little list -- I've got a little list 10903Of society offenders who might well be underground 10904And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. 10905 -- Koko, "The Mikado" 10906% 10907As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't 10908as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be 10909discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large 10910part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in 10911my own programs. 10912 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 10913% 10914As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably 10915because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 10916 -- Woody Allen 10917% 10918As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, 10919bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, 10920or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new 10921version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new 10922component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and 10923efficient test cases will usually be available. 10924 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 10925% 10926As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there 10927is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 10928 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 10929% 10930As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, 10931as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; 10932but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, 10933with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his 10934divinity. 10935 -- Benjamin Franklin 10936% 10937As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. 10938 -- Miguel de Cervantes 10939% 10940As Will Rogers would have said, 10941"There is no such things as a free variable." 10942% 10943As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory 10944aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order 10945chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the 10946proper time for chocolate. 10947 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 10948% 10949As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, 10950but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. 10951 -- The Cowboy 10952% 10953As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would 10954interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the 10955Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure 10956out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on 10957Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual 10958organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, 10959birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never 10960see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and 10961stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations 10962with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are 10963talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both 10964highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. 10965 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 10966 Teen Should Know" 10967% 10968As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull 10969your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. 10970The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along 10971with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall 10972from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all 10973over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of 10974a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the 10975spider is suing you for damages. 10976% 10977As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. 10978 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare 10979% 10980As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 10981% 10982Ascend to the high mountain pass, 10983Cross the shallow side of the wide ocean. 10984Do not give up to the great distance: 10985It's by going that you will reach your aim. 10986Be not discouraged by human frailty: 10987You will overcome it if you try to. 10988 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 10989% 10990ASCII: 10991 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would 10992 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as 10993 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall 10994 receive." 10995 -- Robb Russon 10996% 10997ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. 10998% 10999ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 11000% 11001Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, 11002If God won't have you, the devil must. 11003% 11004Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 11005one went to Harvard). 11006 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 11007% 11008Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you 11009will pay only the station-to-station rate. 11010 -- Howard Kandel 11011% 11012Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. 11013% 11014Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... 11015if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. 11016% 11017Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. 11018 -- J. J. Gibson 11019% 11020Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" 11021for an answer. 11022% 11023Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. 11024 -- John Stuart Mill 11025% 11026Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she 11027said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and 11028released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her 11029right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she 11030learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the 11031writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your 11032newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to 11033bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started 11034chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not 11035as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this, 11036everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim, 11037the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, 11038and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he 11039couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for 11040two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." 11041 -- Garrison Keillor 11042% 11043Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a 11044lamp-post how it feels about dogs. 11045 -- Christopher Hampton 11046% 11047Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity 11048and understanding of how computers work that it provides. 11049 -- D. Gries 11050% 11051Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run 11052with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep 11053the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people 11054and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke. 11055 -- Stanley Walker 11056% 11057Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. 11058% 11059Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. 11060 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser 11061% 11062At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be 11063solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will 11064take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology 11065available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. 11066In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There 11067is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general 11068relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving 11069a computer problem?" 11070 "Remember the twin paradox?" 11071 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very 11072fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but 11073that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the 11074computer here, and accelerate the earth!" 11075 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When 11076the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: 11077 11078 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. 11079% 11080At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is 11081not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where 11082it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. 11083 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow 11084% 11085At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all 11086my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my 11087ignorance upon the shore. 11088 -- Kahlil Gibran 11089% 11090At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know... 11091We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit 11092around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At 11093least that's what we thought. Then it got worse. 11094 11095It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a 11096while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that 11097crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just 11098have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little 11099`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day. 11100Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even 11101function as a normal person. 11102 11103I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If 11104you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you 11105some UNIX, 11106 11107 Just Say No! 11108% 11109At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on 11110the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is 11111quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather 11112than blinkers it. 11113 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" 11114% 11115At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, 11116a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 11117 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 11118% 11119At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, 11120"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. 11121 -- Strange de Jim 11122% 11123At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 11124 -- J. B. White 11125% 11126At least they're _E_X_P_E_R_I_E_N_C_E_D incompetents. 11127% 11128At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 11129thumb with a hammer. 11130 -- Marshall Lumsden 11131% 11132At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, 11133especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously 11134-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being 11135in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching 11136after fact and reason. 11137 -- John Keats 11138% 11139At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the 11140coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. 11141 -- H. R. Gumby 11142% 11143At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, 11144and no further activities are scheduled. 11145% 11146At the foot of the mountain, thunder: 11147The image of Providing Nourishment. 11148Thus the superior man is careful of his words 11149And temperate in eating and drinking. 11150% 11151At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly 11152contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre 11153or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny 11154of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep 11155nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the 11156world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective 11157enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the 11158field on track. 11159 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection" 11160% 11161At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news 11162to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to 11163die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the 11164room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" 11165The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor 11166grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? 11167You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 11168213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me, 11169gently!" 11170 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily 11171opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs 11172his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... 11173guess who's going to die soon!" 11174% 11175At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find 11176at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 11177% 11178At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. 11179 -- Peter G. Alaquon 11180% 11181At times discretion should be thrown aside, 11182and with the foolish we should play the fool. 11183 -- Menander 11184% 11185At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the 11186number of pens that person is carrying. 11187% 11188Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 11189% 11190ATLANTA: 11191 An entire city surrounded by an airport. 11192% 11193Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole 11194or street lamp. 11195% 11196Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 11197 -- Winston Churchill 11198% 11199Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying 11200to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean. 11201 -- Marten Mickos 11202% 11203Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda 11204decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a 11205lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many 11206suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person 11207is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." 11208 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 11209% 11210Auction, n.: 11211 A gyp off the old block. 11212% 11213Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. 11214 -- G. J. Danton 11215% 11216Audiophile, n.: 11217 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. 11218% 11219Auribus teneo lupum. 11220[I hold a wolf by the ears.] 11221% 11222AUTHENTIC: 11223 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion. 11224% 11225Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever 11226depths they were once able to plumb. 11227 -- Stanley Kaufman 11228% 11229Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. 11230 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" 11231% 11232Automobile, n.: 11233 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down 11234 pedestrians. 11235% 11236Avec! 11237% 11238Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. 11239% 11240Avoid cliches like the plague. 11241They're a dime a dozen. 11242% 11243Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. 11244% 11245Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 11246 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 11247% 11248Avoid reality at all costs. 11249% 11250Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 11251we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 11252 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 11253% 11254Avoid strange women and temporary variables. 11255% 11256Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining 11257ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror 11258to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the 11259mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam 11260in 1959. 11261 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton 11262 bad fiction contest. 11263% 11264Bacchus, n.: 11265 A convenient deity invented by the ancients 11266 as an excuse for getting drunk. 11267 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11268% 11269BACHELOR: 11270 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 11271% 11272BACHELOR: 11273 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one. 11274% 11275Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears 11276that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign 11277correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were 11278invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the 11279West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" 11280 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. 11281Business before pleasure." 11282% 11283Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some 11284military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people 11285who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. 11286Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the 11287problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with 11288written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people 11289(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering 11290types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were 11291the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote 11292the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It 11293never really caught on. 11294% 11295Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, 11296uphill both ways and it was always snowing. 11297% 11298BACKWARD CONDITIONING: 11299 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. 11300% 11301Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. 11302% 11303BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! 11304% 11305Bad men live that they may eat and drink, 11306whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. 11307 -- Socrates 11308% 11309Bagbiter: 11310 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually 11311intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This 11312bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on 11313obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the 11314bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, 11315CHOMPER, CHOMPING. 11316% 11317Bagdikian's Observation: 11318 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper 11319 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele. 11320% 11321Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! 11322 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" 11323% 11324Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 11325 A block grant is a solid mass of money 11326 surrounded on all sides by governors. 11327% 11328BALLISTOPHOBIA: 11329 Fear of bullets; 11330OTOPHOBIA: 11331 Fear of opening one's eyes. 11332PECCATOPHOBIA: 11333 Fear of sinning. 11334TAPHEPHOBIA: 11335 Fear of being buried alive. 11336SITOPHOBIA: 11337 Fear of food. 11338TRICHOPHOBIA: 11339 Fear of hair. 11340VESTIPHOBIA: 11341 Fear of clothing. 11342% 11343BALTIMORE: 11344 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. 11345% 11346Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 11347% 11348Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: 11349 The hippo has no sting, but the wise 11350 man would rather be sat upon by the bee. 11351% 11352Banectomy, n.: 11353 The removal of bruises on a banana. 11354 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11355% 11356Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 11357% 11358Barach's Rule: 11359 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. 11360% 11361Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: 11362 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes 11363 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. 11364 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary 11365 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. 11366% 11367Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the 11368floor -- especially in the dark. 11369% 11370Barker's Proof: 11371 Proofreading is more effective after publication. 11372% 11373Barometer, n.: 11374 An ingenious instrument which indicates 11375 what kind of weather we are having. 11376 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11377% 11378Barth's Distinction: 11379 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 11380types, and those who don't. 11381% 11382Baruch's Observation: 11383 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 11384% 11385Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. 11386 -- Tom Lehrer 11387% 11388Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. 11389 -- Will Rogers 11390% 11391Basic Definitions of Science: 11392 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 11393 If it stinks, it's chemistry. 11394 If it doesn't work, it's physics. 11395% 11396Basic is a high level languish. 11397APL is a high level anguish. 11398% 11399BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism." 11400% 11401BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. 11402 -- Seymour Papert 11403% 11404BASIC, n.: 11405 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in 11406 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 11407% 11408Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd 11409come in and sink my boats. 11410 -- Woody Allen 11411% 11412Bathquake, n.: 11413 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water 11414 faucet is turned on to a certain point. 11415 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11416% 11417Batteries not included. 11418% 11419Battle, n.: 11420 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that 11421 will not yield to the tongue. 11422 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11423% 11424Be a better psychiatrist and the world 11425will beat a psychopath to your door. 11426% 11427BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) 11428% 11429BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) 11430% 11431Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely 11432get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your 11433face. 11434 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 11435% 11436Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. 11437 -- Homer 11438% 11439Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. 11440% 11441Be careful! Is it classified? 11442% 11443Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! 11444% 11445Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or 11446situations that can't bear inspection. 11447% 11448Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. 11449 -- Mark Twain 11450% 11451Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. 11452 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" 11453% 11454Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. 11455% 11456Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. 11457 -- Derek Bok 11458% 11459Be cautious in your daily affairs. 11460% 11461Be cheerful while you are alive. 11462 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. 11463% 11464Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better 11465to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. 11466 -- De Maintenon 11467% 11468Be different: conform. 11469% 11470Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse 11471the issue afterwards. 11472% 11473Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! 11474Things won't get any better so get used to it. 11475% 11476Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. 11477% 11478Be independent. 11479Insult a rich relative today. 11480% 11481Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; 11482nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. 11483% 11484Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. 11485 -- Wilson Mizner 11486% 11487Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. 11488 -- Pope St. Gregory I 11489% 11490Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream. 11491% 11492Be prepared to accept sacrifices. 11493Vestal virgins aren't all that bad. 11494% 11495Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent 11496and original in your work. 11497 -- Flaubert 11498% 11499Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 11500% 11501Be self-reliant and your success is assured. 11502% 11503Be sociable. 11504Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow. 11505% 11506Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. 11507% 11508Be valiant, but not too venturous. 11509Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. 11510 -- John Lyly 11511% 11512Beachhead, n.: 11513 In marketing: A small piece of a market over which you gain 11514 control and from which you go out to control other pieces of 11515 the market. 11516 11517 In war: Where soldiers die. 11518% 11519Beam me up, Scotty! 11520% 11521Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! 11522% 11523Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here! 11524% 11525Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will. 11526% 11527BEAUTY: 11528 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand. 11529% 11530Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. 11531% 11532Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two. 11533% 11534Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. 11535 -- Jean Anouilh 11536% 11537Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all 11538Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. 11539 -- John Keats 11540% 11541Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. 11542 -- Redd Foxx 11543% 11544Because I do, 11545Because I do not hope, 11546Because I do not hope to survive 11547Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, 11548Because I do, only do, 11549I continue... 11550 -- T. S. Pynchon 11551% 11552Because the wine remembers. 11553% 11554Because we don't think about future generations, 11555they will never forget us. 11556 -- Henrik Tikkanen 11557% 11558Been through hell? 11559What did you bring back for me? 11560% 11561Been Transferred Lately? 11562% 11563Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. 11564% 11565Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. 11566% 11567Bees are very busy souls 11568They have no time for birth controls 11569And that is why in times like these 11570There are so many Sons of Bees. 11571% 11572Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. 11573 -- Addison H. Hallock 11574% 11575Before destruction a man's heart is 11576haughty, but humility goes before honour. 11577 -- Psalms 18:12 11578% 11579...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech 11580or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What 11581did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was 11582manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of 11583this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my 11584power of meddling. 11585 -- Joseph Conrad 11586% 11587Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone. 11588% 11589Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage 11590they are "Let's eat out." 11591% 11592Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before 11593starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project 11594first. 11595 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308 11596% 11597Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 11598% 11599Before you ask more questions, think about whether 11600you really want to know the answers. 11601 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" 11602% 11603Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. 11604That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have 11605their shoes. 11606% 11607Begathon, n.: 11608 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so 11609you won't have to watch commercials. 11610% 11611Beggar to well-dressed businessman: 11612 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" 11613% 11614Beggars should be no choosers. 11615 -- John Heywood 11616% 11617Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. 11618% 11619Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. 11620% 11621Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. 11622% 11623Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which 11624is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but 11625the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that 11626basket!" 11627 -- Mark Twain 11628% 11629Behold the warranty -- the bold print 11630giveth and the fine print taketh away. 11631% 11632Beifeld's Principle: 11633 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and 11634receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is 11635already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better 11636looking and richer male friend. 11637% 11638Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. 11639% 11640Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and 11641stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very 11642opposite applies with the judges. 11643 -- Beyond the Fringe 11644% 11645Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, 11646since it consists principally of dealings with men. 11647 -- Conrad 11648% 11649Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome 11650to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over 11651and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" 11652 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed 11653seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." 11654% 11655Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But 11656if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others 11657has deserted you will be branded "reactionary". 11658 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 11659% 11660"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 11661% 11662Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real 11663disasters in life begin when you get what you want. 11664% 11665Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart 11666enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. 11667 -- Eugene McCarthy 11668% 11669Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the 11670Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 11671 -- Blake Clark 11672% 11673Being owned by someone used to be called 11674slavery -- now it's called commitment. 11675% 11676Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. 11677% 11678Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to 11679standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons. 11680 -- unnamed Justice Department official 11681% 11682Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. 11683% 11684Belief, n.: 11685 Something you do not believe. 11686% 11687Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too 11688impossibly bad. 11689 -- Honore de Balzac 11690% 11691Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. 11692% 11693Ben, why didn't you tell me? 11694 -- Luke Skywalker 11695% 11696Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 11697 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 11698 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 11699 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 11700% 11701Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. 11702 -- Time Bandits 11703% 11704Benson's Dogma: 11705 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. 11706% 11707Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break 11708Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It 11709% 11710Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down 11711to the copy center and make as many copies as you want." 11712 -- Kirk McKusick 11713% 11714Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and 11715none of his friends like him either. 11716 -- Oscar Wilde 11717% 11718Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been 11719transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in 11720Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken 11721place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental 11722surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet, 11723MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District. 11724For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was 11725rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious: 11726"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them, 11727after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?" 11728 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard. 11729 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?" 11730 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain." 11731 "The test or the room?" 11732 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain." 11733 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no. 11734Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this 11735great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you 11736tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie, 11737why?" 11738 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain." 11739 -- House of God 11740% 11741Bershere's Formula for Failure: 11742 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who 11743 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. 11744% 11745Besides the device, the box should contain: 11746 11747* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 11748 11749* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 11750 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 11751 11752YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram 11753cable. 11754 11755IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 11756spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car 11757that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 11758without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's 11759why." 11760 11761WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 11762 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 11763% 11764Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 11765judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who 11766doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American 11767history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor 11768at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of 11769them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our 11770victuals being spent and especially our beer." 11771 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual 11772% 11773Best Mistakes In Films 11774 In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists 11775four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all 11776possible. 11777 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a 11778street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. 11779 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned 11780with television aerials. 11781 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his 11782fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill 11783in the background. 11784 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is 11785clearly visible on one of the leading characters. 11786 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 11787% 11788Best of all is never to have been born. 11789Second best is to die soon. 11790% 11791Beta test, v.: 11792 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's 11793 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. 11794 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. 11795% 11796Better by far you should forget and 11797smile than that you should remember and be sad. 11798 -- Christina Rossetti 11799% 11800Better dead than mellow. 11801% 11802Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come 11803around while you have your life in such a mess. 11804% 11805Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. 11806% 11807Better late than never. 11808 -- Titus Livius (Livy) 11809% 11810Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. 11811% 11812better !pout !cry 11813better watchout 11814lpr why 11815santa claus <north pole >town 11816 11817cat /etc/passwd >list 11818ncheck list 11819ncheck list 11820cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist 11821cat list | grep nice >giftlist 11822santa claus <north pole >town 11823 11824who | grep sleeping 11825who | grep awake 11826who | egrep 'bad|good' 11827for (goodness sake) { 11828 be good 11829} 11830% 11831Better the prince of some inferior court, 11832Than second, or less, in beatific light. 11833 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" 11834% 11835Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. 11836% 11837Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. 11838 -- motto of the Christopher Society 11839% 11840Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. 11841% 11842Better tried by twelve than carried by six. 11843 -- Jeff Cooper 11844% 11845Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, 11846left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a 11847bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort 11848pushing boulders into a single word. 11849 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 11850Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 11851equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 11852destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both 11853Parliament and Party. 11854 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 11855planets, this may be the first message received from us. 11856 -- The Realist, November, 1964 11857% 11858Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. 11859% 11860Between infinite and short there is a big difference. 11861 -- G. H. Gonnet 11862% 11863Between the idea 11864And the reality 11865Between the motion 11866And the act 11867Falls the Shadow 11868 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" 11869 11870 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 11871 referring to system service dispatching.] 11872% 11873BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature. 11874% 11875Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. 11876% 11877Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. 11878% 11879Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. 11880% 11881Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather 11882a new wearer of clothes. 11883 -- Henry David Thoreau 11884% 11885Beware of Bigfoot! 11886% 11887Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not 11888tried it. 11889 -- Donald E. Knuth 11890% 11891Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! 11892% 11893Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. 11894% 11895Beware of geeks bearing graft. 11896% 11897Beware of low-flying butterflies. 11898% 11899Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The 11900danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with 11901the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. 11902 -- St. Augustine 11903% 11904Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 11905 -- Leonard Brandwein 11906% 11907Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a 11908drip under pressure. 11909% 11910Beware of strong drink. It can make you 11911shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. 11912 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 11913% 11914Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. 11915% 11916Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything 11917is possible but nothing of interest is easy. 11918% 11919Beware the new TTY code! 11920% 11921Beware the one behind you. 11922% 11923Bi, n.: 11924 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert. 11925% 11926Bierman's Laws of Contracts: 11927 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". 11928 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". 11929 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". 11930% 11931Big book, big bore. 11932 -- Callimachus 11933% 11934Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice 11935Are making midnight music in the moonlight, 11936Mighty nice! 11937% 11938Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. 11939% 11940Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. 11941% 11942Bilbo's First Law: 11943 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. 11944% 11945Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. 11946 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season 11947% 11948Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from 11949 generation to generation? 11950Mom: Yes? 11951Billy: Well, this generation dropped it. 11952% 11953Binary, adj.: 11954 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. 11955% 11956Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, 11957and you'll be Gary, Indiana. 11958 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace" 11959% 11960Bing's Rule: 11961 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach. 11962% 11963Biology grows on you. 11964% 11965Biology is the only science in which 11966multiplication means the same thing as division. 11967% 11968Bipolar, adj.: 11969 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, 11970New York 11971% 11972Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black 11973nightgowns do with keeping warm. 11974 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" 11975% 11976Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. 11977% 11978Birth, n.: 11979 The first and direst of all disasters. 11980 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11981% 11982Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. 11983% 11984Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the 11985behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an 11986absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that 11987time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in 11988time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend 11989on the observer's movement in restaurants. 11990 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything" 11991% 11992Bit, n.: 11993 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color 11994 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 11995 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years 11996 ago. 11997% 11998Bit off more than my mind could chew, 11999Shower or suicide, what do I do? 12000 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?" 12001% 12002Biz is better. 12003% 12004Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 12005% 12006Bizoos, n.: 12007 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a 12008 basketball. 12009 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12010% 12011Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks 12012are involved in when they burn stores. 12013 -- Julius Lester 12014% 12015Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies, 12016Shy little angels as gentle as puppies, 12017Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish, 12018They were just some of my tropical fish. 12019 12020Then I got mantas that sting in the water, 12021Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter, 12022Savage male betas that bite with a squish, 12023Now I have many less tropical fish. 12024 12025 If you think that 12026 Fish are peaceful 12027 That's an empty wish. 12028 Just dump them together 12029 And leave them alone, 12030 And soon you will have -- no fish. 12031 -- To My Favorite Things 12032% 12033Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide, 12034The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side, 12035A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide, 12036She wants to hit those bricks, 12037 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline, 12038While the millionaires hide in Beekman place, 12039The bag ladies throw their bones in my face, 12040I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound, 12041I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down... 12042 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 12043% 12044Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. 12045% 12046Blessed are the forgetful: for they 12047get the better even of their blunders. 12048 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 12049% 12050Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. 12051 -- Herbert Hoover 12052% 12053Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded 12054to say it. 12055 -- James Russell Lowell 12056% 12057Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 12058for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 12059% 12060Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. 12061 -- W. C. Bennett 12062% 12063Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. 12064 -- Alexander Pope 12065% 12066Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, 12067for he shall enjoy living. 12068 -- W. C. Bennett 12069% 12070Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, 12071abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. 12072 -- George Eliot 12073% 12074Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. 12075 -- David Nichols 12076% 12077BLISS is ignorance. 12078% 12079Blithwapping, v.: 12080 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the 12081 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. 12082 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 12083% 12084Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 12085% 12086Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 12087% 12088Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: 12089 The judge's jokes are always funny. 12090% 12091Blore's Razor: 12092 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is 12093funnier. 12094% 12095Blow it out your ear. 12096% 12097Blue paint today. 12098 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.] 12099% 12100Blutarsky's Axiom: 12101 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. 12102% 12103Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. 12104% 12105Boling's postulate: 12106 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 12107% 12108Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 12109 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 12110 vividly manifests their lack of progress. 12111% 12112Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: 12113 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 12114% 12115Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them 12116seemed to come from Texas. 12117 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" 12118% 12119Bondage maybe, discipline never! 12120 -- T. K. 12121% 12122Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" 12123% 12124BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! 12125% 12126Boob's Law: 12127 You always find something in the last place you look. 12128% 12129Booker's Law: 12130 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 12131% 12132Bore, n.: 12133 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. 12134 -- Walter Winchell 12135% 12136Bore, n.: 12137 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 12138 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12139% 12140Boren's Laws: 12141 (1) When in charge, ponder. 12142 (2) When in trouble, delegate. 12143 (3) When in doubt, mumble. 12144% 12145Boss, n.: 12146 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the 12147 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 12148 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 12149 ornamental stud." 12150% 12151Boston, n.: 12152 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. 12153% 12154Boston, n.: 12155 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for 12156finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 12157% 12158Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry 12159that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation 12160straightened out for a crowbar. 12161 -- O. W. Holmes 12162% 12163Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and 12164interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible 12165on the same communications line connection. 12166 -- Bell System Technical Reference 12167% 12168Boucher's Observation: 12169 He who blows his own horn always plays the music 12170 several octaves higher than originally written. 12171% 12172Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding. 12173 -- Ralph Lewin 12174% 12175Bower's Law: 12176 Talent goes where the action is. 12177% 12178Bowie's Theorem: 12179 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. 12180% 12181Boy! Eucalyptus! 12182% 12183Boy, get your head out of the stars above, 12184You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 12185Save your heart and let your body be enough, 12186To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 12187Save your heart and let your body be enough, 12188And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 12189 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love" 12190% 12191Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the 12192'Advanced Systems Development' group! 12193% 12194Boy, life takes a long time to live. 12195 -- Steven Wright 12196% 12197Boy, n.: 12198 A noise with dirt on it. 12199% 12200Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! 12201% 12202Boycott meat - suck your thumb. 12203% 12204Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least 12205when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. 12206 -- James Thurber 12207% 12208Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 12209 -- Kin Hubbard 12210% 12211Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band 12212together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a 12213tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo 12214on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. 12215They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk 12216clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix. 12217Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean 12218well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They 12219like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, 12220which is all the time. 12221 -- The Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" 12222% 12223Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the 12224unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only 12225(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend 12226to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' 12227 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking 12228 Style" 12229% 12230Bradley's Bromide: 12231 If computers get too powerful, we can organize 12232 them into a committee -- that will do them in. 12233% 12234Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 12235 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 12236 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 12237 have handled this?" 12238% 12239Brain fried -- core dumped 12240% 12241Brain, n.: 12242 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 12243 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12244% 12245Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: 12246 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source 12247 of error in an opponent. 12248 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12249% 12250brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a 12251theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in 12252Multics, adj.: 12253 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication 12254 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, 12255 because he/she should have known better. Calling something 12256 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. 12257% 12258Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates, 12259is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led 12260off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard 12261single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and 12262kept going, sliding safely into third base. 12263 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at 12264bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first. 12265Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy 12266took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third. 12267 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy 12268start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide 12269into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and 12270shouts, "Back to second if I can make it." 12271 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 12272% 12273Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. 12274 -- Charles Lamb 12275% 12276Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. 12277 -- Randy Goebel 12278% 12279Break into jail and claim police brutality. 12280% 12281Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, 12282since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 12283 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12284% 12285Breathe deep the gathering gloom. 12286Watch lights fade from every room. 12287Bed-sitter people look back and lament; 12288another day's useless energies spent. 12289 12290Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. 12291Lonely man cries for love and has none. 12292New mother picks up and suckles her son. 12293Senior citizens wish they were young. 12294 12295Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; 12296Removes the colors from our sight. 12297Red is grey and yellow white. 12298But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." 12299 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed" 12300% 12301Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. 12302% 12303Bride, n.: 12304 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 12305 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12306% 12307Bridge ahead. Pay troll. 12308% 12309Briefcase, n.: 12310 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. 12311% 12312Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of 12313data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover 12314an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order 12315and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation 12316which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation 12317in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct 12318hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to 12319construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to 12320assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves 12321only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity 12322of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the 12323analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to 12324appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. 12325 -- A. Benjamin 12326% 12327Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati 12328 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; 12329i borogovi eran tutti mimanti 12330 e la moma radeva fuorigraba. 12331 12332"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco, 12333 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante; 12334fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco 12335 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". 12336 -- "The Jabberwock" 12337% 12338Bringing computers into the home won't change 12339either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. 12340% 12341Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast 12342more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. 12343If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if 12344brusque, your character. 12345 -- Jonathan Swift 12346% 12347British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive 12348it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. 12349 -- Peter Ustinov 12350% 12351British Israelites: 12352 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to 12353be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria 12354on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future 12355can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably 12356means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also 12357believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come 12358and take all your teeth. 12359 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12360% 12361Broad-mindedness, n.: 12362 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 12363% 12364Brogan's Constant: 12365 People tend to congregate in the back 12366 of the church and the front of the bus. 12367% 12368Brokee, n.: 12369 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. 12370% 12371Brontosaurus Principle: 12372 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them 12373in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when 12374this occurs, they are an endangered species. 12375 -- Thomas K. Connellan 12376% 12377Brooke's Law: 12378 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 12379 discovers something which either abolishes the system or 12380 expands it beyond recognition. 12381% 12382Brooks' Law: 12383 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later 12384% 12385Brucify, v.: 12386 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified" 12387 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements 12388 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun}, 12389 {frustrate}] 12390 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification 12391 (of one of the two other meanings). 12392The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce 12393Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for 12394reviews just done in his spirit. 12395% 12396BS: You remind me of a man. 12397B: What man? 12398BS: The man with the power. 12399B: What power? 12400BS: The power of voodoo. 12401B: Voodoo? 12402BS: You do. 12403B: Do what? 12404BS: Remind me of a man. 12405B: What man? 12406BS: The man with the power... 12407 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" 12408% 12409Bubble Memory, n.: 12410 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's 12411intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". 12412% 12413Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. 12414% 12415Bucy's Law: 12416 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 12417% 12418Bug, n.: 12419 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the 12420programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he 12421wrote the program. 12422 12423Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 12424 -- Ray Simard 12425% 12426Bug, n.: 12427 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 12428 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends 12429 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 12430 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 12431% 12432Bugs, pl. n.: 12433 Small living things that small living boys throw on small 12434 living girls. 12435% 12436Building translators is good clean fun. 12437 -- T. Cheatham 12438% 12439BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the 12440 outfit." 12441GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" 12442BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." 12443 -- Jay Ward, "Rocky and Bullwinkle" 12444% 12445Bumper sticker: 12446 All the parts falling off this car are 12447 of the very finest British manufacture. 12448% 12449Bunker's Admonition: 12450 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. 12451% 12452Burbulation, v.: 12453 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in 12454 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. 12455 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 12456% 12457Bureau Termination, Law of: 12458 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, 12459 the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12460 12 months after the decision is made. 12461% 12462Bureaucracy, n.: 12463 A method for transforming energy into solid waste. 12464% 12465Bureaucrat, n.: 12466 A person who cuts red tape sideways. 12467 -- J. McCabe 12468% 12469Bureaucrat, n.: 12470 A politician who has tenure. 12471% 12472Burke's Postulates: 12473 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 12474 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. 12475% 12476Burn's Hog Weighing Method: 12477 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a 12478 sawhorse. 12479 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. 12480 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again 12481 perfectly balanced. 12482 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. 12483 -- Robert Burns 12484% 12485Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. 12486 -- Ken Weaver 12487% 12488Bus error -- driver executed. 12489% 12490Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. 12491% 12492Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai! 12493% 12494Business is a good game -- lots of competition 12495and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. 12496 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari 12497% 12498Business will be either better or worse. 12499 -- Calvin Coolidge 12500% 12501But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! 12502% 12503But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations 12504paws. 12505% 12506But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. 12507 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 12508% 12509But has any little atom, 12510 While a-sittin' and a-splittin', 12511Ever stopped to think or CARE 12512 That E = m c**2 ? 12513% 12514But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. 12515I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to 12516kill more than I could eat. 12517 -- Raoul Duke 12518% 12519But I don't like Spam!!!! 12520% 12521"But I don't want to go on the cart..." 12522"Oh, don't be such a baby!" 12523"But I'm feeling much better..." 12524"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!" 12525 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail" 12526% 12527But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go 12528back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you 12529what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous 12530to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something 12531true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or 12532theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might 12533even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of 12534crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is 12535that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away 12536with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not 12537everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It 12538therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such 12539arrogance down. 12540 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room" 12541% 12542But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable 12543nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. 12544 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" 12545% 12546But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 12547system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 12548analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 12549 -- Bruce Leverett, 12550 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" 12551% 12552But it does move! 12553 -- Galileo Galilei 12554% 12555But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come! 12556% 12557But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, 12558In proving foresight may be vain: 12559The best laid schemes o' mice an' men 12560Gang aft a-gley, 12561An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain 12562For promised joy. 12563 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785 12564% 12565But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! 12566% 12567But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! 12568% 12569But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast 12570to the nearest gas station. 12571% 12572But scientists, who ought to know 12573Assure us that it must be so. 12574Oh, let us never, never doubt 12575What nobody is sure about. 12576 -- Hilaire Belloc 12577% 12578But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. 12579% 12580But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than 12581frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? 12582 -- M. Proust 12583% 12584But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 12585Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 12586But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 12587 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 12588% 12589But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who 12590was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal 12591education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 125921877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of 12593American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was 12594invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he 12595invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant 12596adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends 12597electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the 12598electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant 12599part) sends it right back to the customer again. 12600 12601This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch 12602of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since 12603very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. 12604In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United 12605States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it 12606ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate 12607increases. 12608 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 12609% 12610But these pills can't be habit forming; 12611I've been taking them for years. 12612% 12613But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 12614place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 12615Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What 12616is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not 12617enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? 12618Have I explained yet about the bytes? 12619% 12620But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable 12621computers? 12622% 12623But you shall not escape my iambics. 12624 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 12625% 12626But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical 12627reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than 12628those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. 12629 -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" 12630% 12631Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 12632Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 12633Less dear than army ants in apple pies 12634Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 12635Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 12636Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 12637They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 12638Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 12639Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 12640And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 12641Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 12642Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 12643Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 12644Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 12645% 12646Buzzword, n.: 12647 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. 12648% 12649By doing just a little every day, you can 12650gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. 12651% 12652By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. 12653% 12654By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other 12655designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. 12656 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April 12657 Fool's column. 12658% 12659By nature, men are nearly alike; 12660by practice, they get to be wide apart. 12661 -- Confucius 12662% 12663By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. 12664In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others 12665as it is to invent. 12666 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 12667 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 12668 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 12669 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 12670 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] 12671% 12672By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. 12673 -- Charles Spurgeon 12674% 12675By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. 12676 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 12677% 12678By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began 12679to suspect "Hungry" ... 12680 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" 12681% 12682By the time you swear you're his, 12683shivering and sighing 12684and he vows his passion is 12685infinite, undying -- 12686Lady, make a note of this: 12687One of you is lying. 12688 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" 12689% 12690By the yard, life is hard. 12691By the inch, it's a cinch. 12692% 12693By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. 12694Another man's, I mean. 12695 -- Mark Twain 12696% 12697By working faithfully eight hours a day, 12698you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. 12699 -- Robert Frost 12700% 12701BYOB, v.: 12702 Believing Your Own Bull 12703% 12704Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 12705point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 12706fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 12707often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 12708from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 12709that so many people from point A are so keen to get _t_h_e_r_e. They often 12710wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 12711they wanted to be. 12712 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 12713% 12714BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 12715carefully print the chaff. 12716% 12717Byte your tongue. 12718% 12719C Code. 12720C Code Run. 12721Run, Code, RUN! 12722 PLEASE!!!! 12723% 12724C for yourself. 12725% 12726C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. 12727% 12728C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that 12729harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. 12730 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 12731% 12732C, n.: 12733 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like 12734 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything 12735 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or 12736 it isn't. 12737 -- Ray Simard 12738% 12739Cabbage, n.: 12740 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 12741 a man's head. 12742 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12743% 12744Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. 12745 -- The Mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 12746% 12747Cache: 12748 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one 12749 is supposed to know is there. 12750% 12751California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 12752 -- Fred Allen 12753% 12754Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God 12755and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your 12756coffee. 12757% 12758Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 12759 -- Indian proverb 12760% 12761Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the 12762current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled 12763damnation. 12764 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the 12765 Life of Hall" 12766 12767 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 12768 referring to logical names.] 12769% 12770Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! 12771 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 12772% 12773Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes, 12774Calm down, it's only bits and bytes, 12775Calm down, and speak to me in English, 12776Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites. 12777% 12778Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." 12779Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" 12780Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" 12781% 12782Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 12783 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 12784% 12785Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man 12786who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont. 12787 -- Clarence Darrow 12788% 12789Campbell's Law: 12790 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. 12791% 12792Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. 12793% 12794Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two 12795points. 12796 -- M. M. Johnston 12797% 12798Can anyone remember when the times 12799were not hard, and money not scarce? 12800% 12801Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? 12802Yes, work never begun. 12803% 12804"Can you be more stupid than aggravating the judge AND your lawyer? 12805No? Oh yes you can: You can aggravate the whole kernel community." 12806 -- Alexander Lyamin (about Hans Reisers murder trial) 12807% 12808Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the 12809only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. 12810 -- Robert J. Ringer 12811% 12812Canada Bill Jones's Motto: 12813 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 12814 12815Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: 12816 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 12817% 12818Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. 12819It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. 12820 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 12821% 12822Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 12823Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 12824A root or two, a torus and a node: 12825The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 12826 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 12827% 12828CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 12829 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, 12830 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are 12831 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough 12832 when you're poor and unhappy. 12833% 12834CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 12835 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's 12836problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things 12837off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 12838recipients are Cancer people. 12839% 12840Canonical, adj.: 12841 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: 12842One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use 12843of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as 12844much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. 12845Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like 12846fashion without thinking. 12847 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 12848 Stallman: "What did he say?" 12849 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 12850% 12851Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. 12852 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test 12853 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 12854% 12855Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. 12856% 12857Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat. 12858% 12859Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for 12860the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. 12861 -- John Maynard Keynes 12862% 12863CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) 12864 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important 12865 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much 12866 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are 12867 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers 12868 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha. 12869% 12870CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) 12871 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything 12872 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget 12873 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. 12874% 12875CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 12876 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 12877 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn 12878 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for 12879 too long as they tend to take root and become trees. 12880% 12881Captain Penny's Law: 12882 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and 12883 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 12884% 12885Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... 12886% 12887Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. 12888Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, 12889mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it 12890takes. 12891% 12892Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and 12893trousers that don't match. 12894% 12895Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print 12896the name Craney incorrectly. 12897 -- Jim Canrey 12898% 12899Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of 12900fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, 12901the same can be said of dirt. 12902% 12903Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: 12904 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a 12905 dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, 12906 then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 12907 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12908% 12909Carson's Consolation: 12910 Nothing is ever a complete failure. 12911 It can always be used as a bad example. 12912% 12913Carson's Observation on Footwear: 12914 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. 12915% 12916Carswell's Corollary: 12917 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, 12918 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. 12919% 12920Cat, n.: 12921 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. 12922% 12923Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. 12924 -- The Beach Boys 12925% 12926Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. 12927 -- Howard Chaykin 12928% 12929Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. 12930% 12931Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. 12932 -- Garrison Keillor 12933% 12934Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull 12935a sled through the snow. 12936% 12937Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. 12938% 12939Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. 12940 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 12941% 12942Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. 12943% 12944Caution: Keep out of reach of children. 12945% 12946CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 12947% 12948CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... 12949% 12950Cecil, you're my final hope 12951Of finding out the true Straight Dope 12952For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat 12953But none of my cats are at all like that. 12954This unusual animal (so it is said) 12955Is simultaneously alive and dead! 12956What I don't understand is just why he 12957Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. 12958My future now hangs in between eigenstates. 12959In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. 12960If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way 12961And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. 12962But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, 12963Then I will *_a_n_d* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. 12964 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium 12965 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams 12966% 12967Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 12968% 12969Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center 12970of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An 12971incorrect model can be a useful tool. 12972 -- Kelvin Throop III 12973% 12974Census Taker to Housewife: 12975Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? 12976% 12977Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. 12978% 12979Cerebral atrophy, n.: 12980 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and 12981impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause 12982symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic 12983performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to 12984everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort 12985and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become 12986victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. 12987 12988Cerebral darwinism, n.: 12989 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed 12990through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of 12991alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through 12992the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die 12993first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the 12994imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. 12995Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic 12996performance actually increases beyond previous levels. 12997% 12998Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 12999Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something 13000Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy 13001 out of it? 13002Jaka: Ugh! 13003Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 13004 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" 13005% 13006Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 13007walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 13008then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 13009health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 13010not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 13011only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 13012others who have tried it. 13013 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13014% 13015Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and 13016the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court 13017of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate 13018which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, 13019the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground 13020nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts 13021(unground) (other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts 13022(unground)." 13023 -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973 13024% 13025Certainly the game is rigged. 13026Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. 13027 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 13028% 13029Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 13030But it's very funny -- 13031did you ever try buying them without money? 13032 -- Ogden Nash 13033% 13034C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! 13035% 13036C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. 13037 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] 13038% 13039CF&C stole it, fair and square. 13040 -- Tim Hahn 13041% 13042Chairman of the Bored. 13043% 13044Chamberlain's Laws: 13045 1: The big guys always win. 13046 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 13047% 13048Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. 13049 -- Anatole France 13050% 13051Change your thoughts and you change your world. 13052% 13053Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles. 13054 -- Kathleen Norris 13055% 13056Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world. 13057% 13058Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay 13059 13060 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by 13061Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation 13062that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never 13063quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his 13064mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define 13065a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation 13066can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human 13067race in general. 13068% 13069Character density, n.: 13070 The number of very weird people in the office. 13071% 13072Character is what you are in the dark! 13073 -- Lord John Whorfin 13074% 13075Charity begins at home. 13076 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 13077% 13078Charity, n.: 13079 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. 13080% 13081Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth? 13082Linus: To make others happy. 13083Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth? 13084% 13085Charlie was a chemist, 13086But Charlie is no more. 13087What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. 13088% 13089Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- 13090without having asked any clear question. 13091% 13092Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. 13093% 13094Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... 13095they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! 13096% 13097Checkuary, n.: 13098 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends 13099 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. 13100% 13101Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. 13102% 13103Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. 13104 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 13105% 13106Chef, n.: 13107 Any cook who swears in French. 13108% 13109Cheit's Lament: 13110 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- 13111 the next time he's in need. 13112% 13113Chemicals, n.: 13114 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 13115% 13116Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. 13117% 13118Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. 13119% 13120Chemistry is applied theology. 13121 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III 13122% 13123Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. 13124% 13125Cheops' Law: 13126 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 13127% 13128Chess tonight. 13129% 13130Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. 13131% 13132Chicago, n.: 13133 Where the dead still vote ... early and often! 13134% 13135Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 13136 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 13137 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 13138 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 13139% 13140Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 13141 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 13142for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 13143cheerfully baste you. 13144 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 13145% 13146Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" 13147Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" 13148% 13149Chicken Little only has to be right once. 13150% 13151Chicken Little was right. 13152% 13153Chicken Soup, n.: 13154 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 13155 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup 13156 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 13157 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 13158% 13159Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that 13160shivers when it's warm. 13161% 13162Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like 13163them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. 13164% 13165Children are natural mimics who act like their parents 13166despite every effort to teach them good manners. 13167% 13168Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 13169going to catch you in next. 13170 -- Franklin P. Jones 13171% 13172Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 13173And that's what parents were created for. 13174 -- Ogden Nash 13175% 13176Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. 13177Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. 13178 -- Oscar Wilde 13179% 13180Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually 13181repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 13182% 13183Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. 13184 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" 13185% 13186Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." 13187% 13188Chism's Law of Completion: 13189 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 13190 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 13191% 13192Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 13193 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 13194% 13195Chivalry, Schmivalry! 13196 Roger the thief has a 13197 method he uses for 13198 sneaky attacks: 13199Folks who are reading are 13200 Characteristically 13201 Always Forgetting to 13202 Guard their own bac ... 13203% 13204Chocolate Chip. 13205% 13206Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as 13207a friend if she were a man. 13208 -- Joubert 13209% 13210Chorus: 13211 Grandma got run over by a reindeer, 13212 Walking home from our house Christmas eve. 13213 You can say there's no such thing as Santa, 13214 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe! 13215She'd been drinking too much eggnog, 13216And we begged her not to go. 13217But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning, 13218And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack. 13219 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead, 13220 And incriminating claus-marks on her 13221Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back. 13222He's been taking this so well. 13223See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and 13224Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, 13225 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves! 13226 They should never give a license, 13227 To a man who drives a sleigh and 13228 plays with elves! 13229 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" 13230% 13231Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. 13232% 13233Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. 13234 -- George Bernard Shaw 13235% 13236Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens; 13237Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens; 13238Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens, 13239Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again. 13240 13241On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll, 13242Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil, 13243There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil, 13244The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice. 13245 13246It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings, 13247It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things. 13248Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants, 13249What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay. 13250 Angels We Have Heard On High, 13251Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy. 13252Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo... 13253Driving his reindeer across the sky, 13254Don't stand underneath when they fly by! 13255 -- Tom Lehrer 13256% 13257Churchill's Commentary on Man: 13258 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, 13259 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. 13260% 13261Cigarette, n.: 13262 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in 13263 between. 13264% 13265Cinemuck, n.: 13266 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which 13267 covers the floors of movie theaters. 13268 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 13269% 13270Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. 13271 -- Herodotus 13272% 13273Civilization and profits go hand in hand. 13274 -- Calvin Coolidge 13275% 13276Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. 13277See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. 13278% 13279Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. 13280 -- Mark Twain 13281% 13282Clairvoyant, n.: 13283 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 13284 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a 13285 blockhead. 13286 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13287% 13288Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who 13289aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. 13290 -- Samuel Johnson 13291% 13292Clarke's Conclusion: 13293 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. 13294% 13295Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. 13296Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead. 13297 -- "Bugsy" Siegel 13298% 13299Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're 13300leading the parade. 13301 -- Bill Battie 13302% 13303Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. 13304 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings" 13305% 13306Clay's Conclusion: 13307 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 13308% 13309Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling 13310the walk before it stops snowing. 13311 -- Phyllis Diller 13312% 13313Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. 13314 -- P. J. O'Rourke 13315% 13316CLEVELAND: 13317 Where their last tornado did six 13318 million dollars worth of improvements. 13319% 13320Cleveland still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead. 13321% 13322Cleveland? 13323Yes, I spent a week there one day. 13324% 13325Climate and Surgery 13326 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who 13327received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at 13328the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the 13329day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be 13330riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially 13331recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery. 13332 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861 13333% 13334Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. 13335 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" 13336 "Well, yes, I am." 13337 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." 13338 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse, 13339me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The 13340passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, 13341please?" it asked the bartender. 13342 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. 13343"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" 13344 "No, I'm a frayed knot." 13345% 13346Clone, n.: 13347 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their 13348 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product 13349 is a clone of our product." 13350% 13351Clones are people two. 13352% 13353Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 13354% 13355Clothes make the man. 13356Naked people have little or no influence on society. 13357 -- Mark Twain 13358% 13359Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: 13360 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated 13361 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, 13362 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. 13363% 13364Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? 13365Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. 13366 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 13367 13368Coach: How about a beer, Norm? 13369Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. 13370 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 13371 13372Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? 13373Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. 13374 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 13375% 13376Coach: How's it going, Norm? 13377Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. 13378 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences 13379 13380Sam: What's up, Norm? 13381Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. 13382 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action 13383 13384Coach: What's the story, Norm? 13385Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. 13386 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper 13387% 13388Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? 13389Norm: Daddy wuvs you. 13390 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail 13391 13392Sam: What'd you like, Normie? 13393Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. 13394 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man 13395 13396Sam: What will you have, Norm? 13397Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass 13398 of whatever comes out of that tap. 13399Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. 13400Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. 13401 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner 13402% 13403Coach: What's up, Norm? 13404Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. 13405 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 13406 13407Coach: What's shaking, Norm? 13408Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. 13409 -- Cheers, Snow Job 13410 13411Coach: Beer, Normie? 13412Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. 13413 Eh, why not, I'm still young. 13414 -- Cheers, Snow Job 13415% 13416COBOL: 13417 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 13418% 13419COBOL: 13420 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. 13421% 13422COBOL is for morons. 13423 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 13424% 13425Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. 13426% 13427Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh". 13428 -- Wes Peters 13429% 13430Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a 13431terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. 13432% 13433Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 13434"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." 13435 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13436% 13437Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. 13438 -- Blair Houghton 13439% 13440Cohen's Law: 13441 There is no bottom to worse. 13442% 13443Cohn's Law: 13444 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less 13445 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend 13446 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 13447% 13448Coincidence, n.: 13449 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was 13450 going on. 13451% 13452Coincidences are spiritual puns. 13453 -- G. K. Chesterton 13454% 13455Cold, adj.: 13456 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own 13457 pockets. 13458% 13459Cold hands, no gloves. 13460% 13461Cole's Law: 13462 Thinly sliced cabbage. 13463% 13464Collaboration, n.: 13465 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the 13466 other fellow can spell. 13467% 13468COLLEGE: 13469 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. 13470% 13471College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 13472faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 13473the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 13474legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 13475loss to humanity. 13476 -- H. L. Mencken 13477% 13478COLORADO: 13479 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. 13480% 13481Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. 13482% 13483Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 13484 134850. integrated 0. management 0. options 134861. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 134872. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 134883. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 134894. functional 4. digital 4. programming 134905. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept 134916. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 134927. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 134938. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 134949. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency 13495 13496 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select 13497the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces 13498"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into 13499virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No 13500one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, 13501"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." 13502 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" 13503% 13504Colvard's Logical Premises: 13505 All probabilities are 50%. 13506Either a thing will happen or it won't. 13507 13508Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 13509 This is especially true when 13510 dealing with someone you're attracted to. 13511 13512Grelb's Commentary: 13513 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 13514% 13515Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 13516And every vector dreams of matrices. 13517Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 13518It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 13519 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13520% 13521Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring 13522Your winter garment of repentance fling. 13523The bird of time has but a little way 13524To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing. 13525 -- Omar Khayyam 13526% 13527Come home America. 13528 -- George McGovern, 1972 13529% 13530Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, 13531Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. 13532 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 13533% 13534Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 13535Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 13536Their indices bedecked from one to _n, 13537Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 13538 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13539% 13540Come live with me, and be my love, 13541And we will some new pleasures prove 13542Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, 13543With silken lines, and silver hooks. 13544 -- John Donne 13545% 13546Come live with me and be my love, 13547And we will some new pleasures prove 13548Of golden sands and crystal brooks 13549With silken lines, and silver hooks. 13550There's nothing that I wouldn't do 13551If you would be my POSSLQ. 13552 13553You live with me, and I with you, 13554And you will be my POSSLQ. 13555I'll be your friend and so much more; 13556That's what a POSSLQ is for. 13557 13558And everything we will confess; 13559Yes, even to the IRS. 13560Some day on what we both may earn, 13561Perhaps we'll file a joint return. 13562You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint; 13563You'll share my life - up to a point! 13564And that you'll be so glad to do, 13565Because you'll be my POSSLQ. 13566% 13567Come, muse, let us sing of rats! 13568 -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767) 13569% 13570Come quickly, I am tasting stars! 13571 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne 13572% 13573Come, you spirits 13574That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, 13575And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full 13576Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, 13577Stop up the access and passage to remorse 13578That no compunctious visiting of nature 13579Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between 13580The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, 13581And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, 13582Wherever in your sightless substances 13583You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, 13584And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, 13585That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, 13586Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, 13587To cry `Hold, hold!' 13588 -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth" 13589% 13590Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. 13591% 13592Coming to Stores Near You: 13593 13594101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: 13595 13596 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog 13597 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing 13598 I'm Not Misbehaving 13599 13600And A Whole Lot More... 13601% 13602Coming together is a beginning; 13603 keeping together is progress; 13604 working together is success. 13605% 13606Command, n.: 13607 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in 13608 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. 13609% 13610Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. 13611 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 13612% 13613Commitment, n.: 13614 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 13615 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 13616% 13617Committee, n.: 13618 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group 13619 decide that nothing can be done. 13620 -- Fred Allen 13621% 13622Committee Rules: 13623 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 13624 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this 13625 stamps you as being wise. 13626 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the 13627 others. 13628 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 13629 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you 13630 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. 13631% 13632Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to 13633be appointed to do the work. 13634% 13635Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at 13636different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. 13637 -- Clive James 13638% 13639Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 13640 -- Josh Billings 13641% 13642Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 13643 -- Albert Einstein 13644% 13645Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. 13646Everyone thinks he has enough. 13647 -- Rene Descartes, 1637 13648% 13649Commoner's three laws of ecology: 13650 1) No action is without side-effects. 13651 2) Nothing ever goes away. 13652 3) There is no free lunch. 13653% 13654Communicate! It can't make things any worse. 13655% 13656Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness 13657of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." 13658 -- David Guaspari 13659% 13660Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software 13661has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It 13662either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, 13663stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is 13664misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with 13665the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the 13666characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. 13667 -- Dan Klein 13668% 13669COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler 13670one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. 13671 -- J. N. Gray 13672% 13673Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, 13674is in the eye of the beholder. 13675 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 13676% 13677Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's 13678courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not 13679be enough. 13680 -- Gene Scott 13681% 13682COMPLEX SYSTEM: 13683 One with real problems and imaginary profits. 13684% 13685COMPLIMENT: 13686 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. 13687% 13688Compuberty, n.: 13689 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a 13690 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and 13691 a sun4 is put online sharing files. 13692% 13693COMPUTER: 13694 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a 13695 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe 13696 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. 13697% 13698Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 13699% 13700Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. 13701% 13702Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. 13703% 13704COMPUTER SCIENCE: 13705 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the 13706 precision of the former and the success of the latter. 13707 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. 13708 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. 13709 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. 13710 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. 13711 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. 13712% 13713Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about 13714telescopes. 13715 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 13716% 13717Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view 13718adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance 13719 -- Jim Horning 13720% 13721Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 13722% 13723Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. 13724Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 13725 -- Gilb 13726% 13727Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 13728 -- Pablo Picasso 13729% 13730Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in 13731the world that just don't add up. 13732% 13733Computers can't cruise. Meandering is a foreign concept to them. 13734The computer assumes that all behavior is in pursuit of an ultimate 13735goal. Whenever a motorist changes his or her mind and veers off 13736course, the GPS lady issues that snippy announcement: "Recalculating!" 13737 -- Joel Achenbach (www.slate.com, 20 Jun 2008) 13738% 13739Computers don't actually think. 13740 You just think they think. 13741 (We think.) 13742% 13743Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more 13744than the estimate the job will cost. 13745% 13746Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 13747 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 13748% 13749Concept, n.: 13750 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than 13751 $25,000. 13752% 13753Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed 13754from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. 13755 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 13756% 13757Condense soup, not books! 13758% 13759CONFERENCE: 13760 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear 13761 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what 13762 he's already decided to do. 13763% 13764Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; 13765confess them to man and you will be laughed at. 13766 -- Josh Billings 13767% 13768Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. 13769% 13770Confession is good for the soul only in the sense 13771that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. 13772 -- Peter de Vries 13773% 13774Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for 13775the reputation. 13776 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar 13777% 13778Confidant, confidante, n.: 13779 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. 13780 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13781% 13782Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you 13783fall flat on your face. 13784 -- Dr. L. Binder 13785% 13786Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 13787% 13788CONFIRMED BACHELOR: 13789 A man who goes through life without a hitch. 13790% 13791Conflicting research paradigms 13792Have legitimized various crimes. 13793 The worst we can see 13794 Is in psychology, 13795Measuring reaction times. 13796% 13797Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. 13798% 13799Confucius say too damn much! 13800% 13801Confucius say too much. 13802 -- Recent Chinese proverb 13803% 13804Confusion will be my epitaph 13805as I walk a cracked and broken path 13806If we make it we can all sit back and laugh 13807but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying. 13808 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King" 13809% 13810Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. 13811If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't 13812hesitate to ask! 13813% 13814Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that 13815would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 13816you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer 13817maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS 13818OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY 13819UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED 13820IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD 13821WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND 13822SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, 13823RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, 13824RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 13825FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 13826 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 13827% 13828Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. 13829 13830He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the 13831Year award. 13832% 13833Congratulations! 13834 13835Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If 13836v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing 13837a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker 13838with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into 13839a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it 13840left. 13841 13842 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain 13843 nameless to the development team after releasing 13844 the second version of their product. 13845% 13846Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. 13847 13848 Mathematician's Proof: 13849 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all 13850 odd numbers are prime. 13851 Physicist's Proof: 13852 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental 13853 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 13854 Engineer's Proof: 13855 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 13856 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 13857 Computer Scientist's Proof: 13858 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... 13859% 13860Connector Conspiracy, n.: 13861 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the 13862KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of 13863manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) 13864to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old 13865stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive 13866interface devices. 13867% 13868Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. 13869% 13870Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and 13871governing that is hard. 13872 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 13873% 13874Conscience doth make cowards of us all. 13875 -- William Shakespeare 13876% 13877Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. 13878 -- H. L. Mencken 13879% 13880Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts 13881when everything else feels great. 13882% 13883Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. 13884 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" 13885% 13886Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you 13887wish you weren't. 13888% 13889CONSENT DECREE: 13890 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit 13891 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it 13892 never admitted to in the first place. 13893% 13894Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. 13895 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] 13896% 13897Conservative, n.: 13898 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished 13899 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. 13900 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13901% 13902Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion... 13903 -- Professor in the UCB physics department 13904% 13905Consider the following axioms carefully: 13906 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." 13907 and 13908 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." 13909What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The 13910thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to 13911consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". 13912% 13913Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal 13914it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only. 13915 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 13916% 13917Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in 13918the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. 13919 -- Josh Billings 13920% 13921CONSULTANT: 13922 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell 13923 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title 13924 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have 13925 Calculator, Will Travel. 13926% 13927CONSULTANT: 13928 An ordinary man a long way from home. 13929% 13930CONSULTANT: 13931 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con 13932 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of 13933 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who 13934 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase 13935 and heavy wallet. 13936% 13937CONSULTANT: 13938 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a 13939 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. 13940% 13941Consultants are mystical people who ask a 13942company for a number and then give it back to them. 13943% 13944CONSULTATION: 13945 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." 13946% 13947Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by 13948the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will 13949we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always 13950will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and 13951seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. 13952 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. 13953% 13954"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 13955if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 13956 -- Lewis Carroll, 13957 "Through the Looking-Glass, 13958 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 13959% 13960Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern 13961technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat. 13962% 13963Convention is the ruler of all. 13964 -- Pindar 13965% 13966Conversation enriches the understanding, 13967but solitude is the school of genius. 13968% 13969Conversation, n.: 13970 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath 13971 is called the listener. 13972% 13973Conway's Law: 13974 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 13975 what is going on. 13976 13977 This person must be fired. 13978% 13979Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the 13980line-up. 13981 -- Raymond Chandler 13982% 13983COPYING MACHINE: 13984 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, 13985 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't 13986 interested in reading them. 13987% 13988Coronation, n.: 13989 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and 13990 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a 13991 dynamite bomb. 13992 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13993% 13994Correction does much, but encouragement does more. 13995 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 13996% 13997Corrupt, adj.: 13998 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 13999% 14000Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle 14001of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of 14002capitalism. 14003 -- Walter Lippmann 14004% 14005Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner. 14006His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. 14007 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan 14008% 14009Corry's Law: 14010 Paper is always strongest at the perforations. 14011% 14012Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell 14013at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure 14014the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse 14015mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention 14016being easier to stake. 14017% 14018Counting in binary is just like counting 14019in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. 14020 -- Glaser and Way 14021% 14022Counting in octal is just like counting 14023in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs. 14024 -- Tom Lehrer 14025% 14026Courage is fear that has said its prayers. 14027% 14028Courage is grace under pressure. 14029% 14030Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. 14031 -- Mark Twain 14032% 14033Courage is your greatest present need. 14034% 14035Court, n.: 14036 A place where they dispense with justice. 14037 -- Arthur Train 14038% 14039Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. 14040 -- William Congreve 14041% 14042Coward, n.: 14043 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 14044 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14045% 14046[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, 14047with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 14048 -- Wernher von Braun 14049% 14050Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! 14051% 14052Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking 14053process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical 14054attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an 14055enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable 14056and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference 14057between adequacy and excellence. 14058% 14059Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for 14060peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being 14061ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll 14062say it was obvious all along. 14063 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 14064% 14065Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing. 14066% 14067Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; 14068sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube. 14069% 14070Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. 14071 -- James Blish 14072% 14073CREDITOR: 14074 A man who has a better memory than a debtor. 14075% 14076Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: 14077 If you are the first to know about something bad, 14078 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, 14079 regardless of your formal duties. 14080% 14081Crime does not pay... as well as politics. 14082 -- A. E. Neuman 14083% 14084Critic, n.: 14085 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 14086 to please him. 14087 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14088% 14089Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. 14090 -- Zeuxis 14091% 14092Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've 14093seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. 14094 -- Brendan Behan 14095% 14096Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? 14097 -- Socrates' last words 14098% 14099Croll's Query: 14100 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 14101% 14102Cropp's Law: 14103 The amount of work done varies inversely 14104 with the time spent in the office. 14105% 14106Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. 14107 -- Madonna 14108% 14109Cruickshank's Law of Committees: 14110 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it 14111 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so 14112 much work has already been done on it. 14113% 14114Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME! 14115% 14116Crush! Kill! Destroy! 14117% 14118Cthulhu Cthucks! 14119% 14120Cthulhu for President! 14121 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.) 14122% 14123Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later. 14124% 14125Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. 14126% 14127Cure the disease and kill the patient. 14128 -- Francis Bacon 14129% 14130CURSOR: 14131 One whose program will not run. 14132 -- Robb Russon 14133% 14134Cursor address, n.: 14135 "Hello, cursor!" 14136 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 14137% 14138curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field 14139environment. 14140 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, 14141addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial 14142matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more 14143people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don 14144Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. 14145The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is 14146the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you 14147order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". 14148Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, 14149check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, 14150possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 14151columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples 14152cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still 14153with us. 14154 14155MOZ DONG n. 14156 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da 14157Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l 14158Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. 14159 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 14160% 14161Custer committed Siouxicide. 14162% 14163Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight 14164of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat. 14165 -- Gerry Youghkins 14166 14167If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people 14168don't like it. 14169 -- Gerry Youghkins 14170% 14171Cutler Webster's Law: 14172 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person 14173 is personally involved, in which case there is only one. 14174% 14175Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 14176eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 14177business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. 14178 -- Johnny Hart 14179% 14180Cynic, n.: 14181 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not 14182 as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of 14183 plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 14184 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14185% 14186Cynic, n.: 14187 Experienced. 14188% 14189Cynic, n.: 14190 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced 14191 eye. 14192% 14193Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why 14194several of us died of tuberculosis. 14195 -- Jack Handey 14196% 14197<Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser, 14198though? 14199 14200<``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing 14201it lacks is a decent editor 14202% 14203DALLAS: 14204 The city that chose Astroturf to 14205 keep the cheerleaders from grazing. 14206% 14207Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor. 14208% 14209Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway! 14210% 14211Damn braces. 14212 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell" 14213% 14214Damn, I need a Coke! 14215 -- Dr. William DeVries 14216 [after implanting the first artificial human heart] 14217% 14218DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! 14219% 14220Dare to be naive. 14221 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 14222% 14223Dark and lonely on a summer night 14224 Kill my landlord, 14225 Kill my landlord. 14226The watchdog barkin' 14227Do he bite? 14228 Kill my landlord, 14229 Kill my landlord. 14230Slip in his window. 14231Break his neck. 14232Then his house I start to wreck 14233Got no reason, 14234What the heck? 14235 Kill my landlord, 14236 Kill my landlord. 14237 C-I-L-L my landlord! 14238 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL 14239% 14240Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the 14241opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. 14242 -- Oliver Herford 14243% 14244Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! 14245 -- Princess Leia Organa 14246% 14247Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 14248% 14249DATA: 14250 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. 14251% 14252DATA: 14253 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced 14254 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. 14255% 14256Data is not information; 14257Information is not knowledge; 14258Knowledge is not wisdom; 14259 -- Gary Flake 14260% 14261Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." 14262Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." 14263% 14264David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": 14265 14266 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO 14267 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" 14268 * Hourly motel rates 14269 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here 14270 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II 14271 like some countries we could mention 14272 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies 14273 * Our well-behaved golf professionals 14274 * Fabulous babes coast to coast 14275% 14276David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of 14277remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at 14278a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a 14279second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the 14280speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global 14281communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will 14282instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air, 14283underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's 14284ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical 14285and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living... 14286[Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what 14287unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind." 14288 -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966 14289% 14290Davis' Law of Traffic Density: 14291 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 14292 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. 14293% 14294Davis's Dictum: 14295 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. 14296% 14297Dawn, n.: 14298 The time when men of reason go to bed. 14299 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14300% 14301Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 14302% 14303%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory 14304-SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears 14305% 14306DEADWOOD: 14307 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. 14308% 14309Dealing with failure is easy: 14310 Work hard to improve. 14311Success is also easy to handle: 14312 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. 14313% 14314Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, 14315all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. 14316 -- C. N. Parkinson 14317% 14318Dear Emily: 14319 How can I choose what groups to post in? 14320 -- Confused 14321 14322Dear Confused: 14323 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After 14324all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you 14325should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. 14326Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. 14327 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event 14328that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you 14329expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the 14330header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in 14331the fringe groups. 14332 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14333% 14334Dear Emily: 14335 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to 14336summarize. What should I do? 14337 -- Editor 14338 14339Dear Editor: 14340 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post 14341that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the 14342replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when 14343summarizing a vote. 14344 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14345% 14346Dear Emily: 14347 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize." 14348What should I do? 14349 -- Doubtful 14350 14351Dear Doubtful: 14352 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to 14353dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are 14354much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by 14355mail. 14356 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14357% 14358Dear Emily: 14359 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should 14360I do? 14361 -- Angry 14362 14363Dear Angry: 14364 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments 14365between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article 14366looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long 14367point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and 14368lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. 14369 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14370% 14371Dear Emily: 14372 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I 14373tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for 14374his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. 14375Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? 14376 -- A Concerned Citizen 14377 14378Dear Concerned: 14379 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer 14380experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They 14381will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely 14382represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all 14383act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net 14384society. 14385 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things 14386like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they 14387understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant 14388literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if 14389possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- 14390they are always interested in good stories. 14391% 14392Dear Emily: 14393 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted 14394to. How about an example? 14395 -- Still Confused 14396 14397Dear Still: 14398 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from 14399the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey 14400would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a 14401big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy 14402as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try 14403news.admin. If not, use news.misc. 14404 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. 14405He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also 14406interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to 14407soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to 14408news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of 14409interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as 14410well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles 14411there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) 14412 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each 14413group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders 14414will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. 14415 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14416% 14417Dear Emily: 14418 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. 14419What should I do? 14420 -- Forgetful 14421 14422Dear Forgetful: 14423 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, 14424"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here 14425it is." 14426 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, 14427(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy 14428signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more 14429about the signature anyway. 14430 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14431% 14432Dear Emily, what about test messages? 14433 -- Concerned 14434 14435Dear Concerned: 14436 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test 14437merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please 14438ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips 14439a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female 14440but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth 14441by all USEnauts. 14442 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14443% 14444Dear Freshman, 14445 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but 14446unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather 14447prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by 14448mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. 14449% 14450Dear Lord: 14451 I just want *_o_n_e* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On 14452the other hand", again. 14453% 14454Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may 14455have to eat them. 14456% 14457Dear Miss Manners: 14458 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 14459elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 14460courses, is all right. Which is correct? 14461 14462Gentle Reader: 14463 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 14464economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle 14465of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning 14466correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. 14467% 14468Dear Miss Manners: 14469I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of 14470rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? 14471This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella 14472protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting 14473soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, 14474and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my 14475umbrella without seeming insulting? 14476 14477Gentle Reader: 14478Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, 14479although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how 14480attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss 14481Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection 14482before making your attack. 14483% 14484Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part 14485of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old 14486will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a 14487commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as 14488"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a 14489table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always 14490says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, 14491"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this 14492complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim 14493if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a 14494dead bat? 14495 14496Answer: Yes. 14497 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 14498% 14499Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 14500 14501Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs 14502to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: 14503WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. 14504Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered 14505small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random 14506words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 14507 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 14508% 14509Dear Ms. Postnews: 14510 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What 14511 should I do? 14512 -- Eager Beaver 14513 14514Dear Eager: 14515 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people 14516read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm 14517posting it. All others please ignore." 14518 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning 14519over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective 14520time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet 14521maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute 14522your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call 14523directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost 14524as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! 14525 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's 14526money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight 14527letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! 14528 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, 14529so post it as many places as you can. 14530 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14531% 14532Death before dishonor. 14533But neither before breakfast. 14534% 14535Death comes on every passing breeze, 14536He lurks in every flower; 14537Each season has its own disease, 14538Its peril -- every hour. 14539 -- Reginald Heber 14540% 14541Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. 14542% 14543Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort 14544of like a shell leaving the nut behind. 14545 -- Erma Bombeck 14546% 14547Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 14548% 14549Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 14550 -- R. Geis 14551% 14552Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 14553% 14554Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 14555% 14556Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 14557% 14558Death is only a state of mind. 14559 14560Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. 14561% 14562Death rays don't kill people, people kill people! 14563% 14564Death to all fanatics! 14565% 14566DEATH WISH: 14567 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. 14568% 14569Debug is human, de-fix divine. 14570% 14571Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, 14572and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum 14573% 14574DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. 14575 -- Mel Ferentz 14576% 14577Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year. 14578erra, n: A mistake. 14579faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance. 14580Linder, n: A female name. 14581memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again. 14582New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States. 14583New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States. 14584Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year. 14585Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year. 14586ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the 14587 season is when the Knicks quit playing. 14588 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 14589% 14590Decision maker, n.: 14591 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force 14592 before the music stopped. 14593% 14594Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over- 14595whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may 14596not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, 14597or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants 14598(unless struck by a boomerang). 14599 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. 14600% 14601Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. 14602 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" 14603% 14604Decorate your home. It gives the illusion 14605that your life is more interesting than it really is. 14606 -- C. Schultz 14607% 14608"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 14609marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", 14610quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can 14611claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. 14612 -- Randy Davis 14613% 14614DEFAULT: 14615 The hardware's, of course. 14616% 14617Default, n.: 14618 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, 14619mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will 14620come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. 14621 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 14622% 14623Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. 14624 -- Bill Musselman 14625% 14626#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 14627#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 14628 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 14629 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 14630 14631 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word 14632% 14633Definitions of hardware and software for dummies: 14634 14635 Hardware is what you kick; 14636 Software is what you curse. 14637% 14638Deflector shields just came on, Captain. 14639% 14640(defun NF (a c) 14641 (cond ((null c) () ) 14642 ((atom (car c)) 14643 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c)))) 14644 (nf a (cddr c)))) 14645 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) 14646 14647(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) 14648 (cond 14649 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) 14650 (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) 14651 (lessp challenging 7)) () ) 14652 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr) 14653 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) 14654 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) 14655 (car 2 caadr 4))) 14656 (list '851-5071x2661))))) 14657;;; We are an affirmative action employer. 14658% 14659DEJA VU: 14660 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. 14661 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 14662 something actually being encountered for the first time. 14663 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 14664 something actually being encountered for the first time. 14665% 14666Delay is preferable to error. 14667 -- Thomas Jefferson 14668% 14669Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. 14670 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 14671 14672Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. 14673 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 14674 14675 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 14676 referring to I/O system services.] 14677% 14678Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and 14679related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, 14680entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take 14681into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability 14682to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The 14683history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that 14684can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken 14685for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations 14686are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience. 14687 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD 14688 14689I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability 14690more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction 14691with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder 14692child. 14693 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman 14694% 14695Deliberation, n.: 14696 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is 14697 buttered on. 14698 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14699% 14700Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. 14701% 14702Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever 14703skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious 14704to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an 14705overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic 14706apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless 14707as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a 14708steroid-free fitness center. 14709 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 14710% 14711Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about 14712her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad 14713nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. 14714% 14715Demand the establishment of the government 14716in its rightful home at Disneyland. 14717% 14718Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. 14719 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 14720% 14721Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition. 14722 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 14723% 14724Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than 14725we deserve. 14726 -- George Bernard Shaw 14727% 14728Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 14729aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 14730 -- Senator Soaper 14731% 14732Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 14733incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 14734 -- George Bernard Shaw 14735% 14736Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you 14737don't think. 14738% 14739Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who 14740will get the blame. 14741 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 14742% 14743Democracy is also a form of worship. 14744It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. 14745 -- H. L. Mencken 14746% 14747Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. 14748 -- Jawaharlal Nehru 14749% 14750Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. 14751 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 14752% 14753Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half 14754of the people are right more than half of the time. 14755 -- E. B. White 14756% 14757Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and 14758deserve to get it good and hard. 14759 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 14760% 14761Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other 14762forms that have been tried from time to time. 14763 -- Winston Churchill 14764% 14765Democracy, n.: 14766 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting 14767or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude 14768toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward 14769law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based 14770upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without 14771restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, 14772agitation, discontent, anarchy. 14773 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 14774 since withdrawn. 14775% 14776Democracy, n.: 14777 In which you say what you like and do what you're told. 14778 -- Gerald Barry 14779 14780The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a 14781Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship 14782you don't have to waste your time voting. 14783 -- Charles Bukowski 14784% 14785Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. 14786Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. 14787 14788Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. 14789The remainder is thrown out. 14790 14791Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes. 14792 14793Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. 14794Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. 14795 14796Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car 14797windows by Democrats. 14798 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 14799% 14800Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the 14801board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. 14802% 14803Dental health is next to mental health. 14804% 14805Dentist, n.: 14806 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, 14807 pulls coins out of one's pockets. 14808 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14809% 14810Denver, n.: 14811 A smallish city located just below the "O" in Colorado. 14812% 14813Depart in pieces, i.e., split. 14814% 14815Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you. 14816% 14817Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. 14818% 14819Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, 14820but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. 14821 -- R. E. Shay 14822% 14823Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. 14824% 14825Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null - 14826und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt. 14827% 14828Design, v.: 14829 What you regret not doing later on. 14830% 14831Desist from enumerating your fowl 14832prior to their emergence from the shell. 14833% 14834Despising machines to a man, 14835The Luddites joined up with the Klan, 14836 And ride out by night 14837 In a sheeting of white 14838To lynch all the robots they can. 14839 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson 14840% 14841Despite all appearances, your boss 14842is a thinking, feeling, human being. 14843% 14844Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 14845be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 14846the table. 14847 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 14848% 14849Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, 14850don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. 14851 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" 14852% 14853Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. 14854% 14855DeVries' Dilemma: 14856 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, 14857 the one you don't want hits the paper. 14858% 14859Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of 14860fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. 14861 -- L. Ron Hubbard 14862% 14863Dibble's First Law of Sociology: 14864 Some do, some don't. 14865% 14866Did I say 2? I lied. 14867% 14868Did it ever occur to you that fat chance 14869and slim chance mean the same thing? 14870% 14871Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control 14872has already been born? 14873 -- Benny Hill 14874% 14875Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think 14876that's how dogs spend their lives. 14877 -- Sue Murphy 14878% 14879Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed? 14880% 14881Did you hear about the model who sat 14882on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? 14883% 14884Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and 14885Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... 14886 14887Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! 14888% 14889Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship 14890the number zero? 14891 14892Is nothing sacred? 14893% 14894Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have 14895only recaptured 116 of them? 14896% 14897Did you know? 14898 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, 14899 APPROXIMATELY 14900 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE 14901 KILLED 14902 14903 Come to the award-winning 1987 film, 14904 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" 14905 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. 14906 14907A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't. 14908 14909 SPONSORED BY 14910 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) 14911 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility 14912 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) 14913 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters 14914 14915Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!" 14916% 14917Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a 14918selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not 14919try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will 14920select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive 14921set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you 14922should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. 14923% 14924Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 14925 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14926% 14927Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? 14928 -- P. J. Plauger 14929% 14930Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined 14931them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? 14932% 14933Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot 14934that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: 14935 14936 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and 14937 squirrel." 14938 14939 -- ihuxw!tommyo 14940% 14941Did you know the University of Iowa 14942closed down after someone stole the book? 14943% 14944Did you know.... 14945 14946That no-one ever reads these things? 14947% 14948Didja' ever have to make up your mind, 14949Pick up on one and leave the other behind, 14950It's not often easy, and it's not often kind, 14951Didja' ever have to make up your mind? 14952 -- Lovin' Spoonful 14953% 14954Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa? 14955% 14956Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore 14957would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. 14958 -- John Barrymore's dying words 14959% 14960Die, v.: 14961 To stop sinning suddenly. 14962 -- Elbert Hubbard 14963% 14964Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. 14965 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 14966% 14967Dieters live life in the fasting lane. 14968% 14969Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 14970% 14971Digital circuits are made from analog parts. 14972 -- Don Vonada 14973% 14974Dignity is like a flag. 14975It flaps in a storm. 14976 -- Roy Mengot 14977% 14978Dime is money. 14979% 14980Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible 14981only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, 14982for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 14983% 14984Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. 14985% 14986Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): 14987 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 14988 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 14989 1 carton milk 14990% 14991Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees. 14992% 14993Diogenes, having abandoned his search for 14994truth, is now searching for a good fantasy. 14995% 14996Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone 14997asked him, after a few days. 14998 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." 14999% 15000Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. 15001Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. 15002 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby 15003% 15004Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. 15005 -- Daniele Vare 15006% 15007Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. 15008 -- Wynn Catlin 15009% 15010Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. 15011 -- Balfour 15012% 15013Diplomacy, n.: 15014 Lying in state. 15015% 15016Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: 15017 15018 1: Get elected. 15019 2: Get re-elected. 15020 3: Don't get mad, get even. 15021 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen 15022% 15023Disbar, n.: 15024 As distinguished from some other bar. 15025% 15026Disc space -- the final frontier! 15027% 15028Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my 15029employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely 15030coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is 15031non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the 15032absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. 15033The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for 15034the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, 15035non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) 15036% 15037Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be 15038yours too." 15039 -- Dave Haynie 15040% 15041DISCLAIMER: 15042Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply 15043an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. 15044% 15045Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. 15046% 15047Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 15048% 15049Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. 15050 -- Chinese proverb 15051% 15052Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. 15053 -- Euripides 15054% 15055Disk crisis, please clean up! 15056% 15057Disks travel in packs. 15058% 15059Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, 15060Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. 15061% 15062Distance doesn't make you any smaller, 15063but it does make you part of a larger picture. 15064% 15065Distinctive, adj.: 15066 A different color or shape than our competitors. 15067% 15068Distress, n.: 15069 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 15070 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15071% 15072District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape 15073injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any 15074damage inflicted on the vehicle. 15075% 15076Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight 15077acquaintance and without any visible reason. 15078 -- Lord Chesterfield 15079% 15080Ditat Deus. (God enriches.) 15081% 15082Divorce is a game played by lawyers. 15083 -- Cary Grant 15084% 15085Do clones have navels? 15086% 15087Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. 15088 -- Amy Gorin 15089% 15090Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. 15091% 15092Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 15093% 15094Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. 15095% 15096Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. 15097% 15098Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. 15099 -- Aesop 15100% 15101Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome 15102your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in 15103a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding 15104cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any 15105of them ever committed suicide. 15106 -- Henry David Thoreau 15107% 15108Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 15109Their tastes may not be the same. 15110 -- George Bernard Shaw 15111% 15112Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. 15113% 15114Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. 15115 -- Robert A. Heinlein 15116% 15117Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. 15118% 15119Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good 15120with ketchup. 15121% 15122Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, 15123for they become soggy and hard to light. 15124 15125Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, 15126for they are subtle and quick to anger. 15127% 15128Do not overtax your powers. 15129% 15130Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 15131Violators will be prosecuted. 15132(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 15133% 15134Do not seek death; death will find you. 15135But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. 15136 -- Dag Hammarskjold 15137% 15138Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 15139% 15140Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. 15141% 15142Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 15143% 15144Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- 15145learn to dread each day as it comes. 15146 -- Donald Kaul 15147% 15148Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. 15149% 15150Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native 15151word "lies". 15152 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" 15153% 15154Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. 15155% 15156Do not worry about which side your 15157bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. 15158% 15159Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. 15160% 15161Do, or do not; there is no try. 15162% 15163Do people know you have freckles everywhere? 15164% 15165Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 15166% 15167Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? 15168% 15169Do unto others before they undo you. 15170% 15171Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 15172% 15173Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. 15174 -- Aleister Crowley 15175% 15176Do what you can to prolong your life, 15177in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for. 15178% 15179Do you believe in intuition? 15180No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will. 15181% 15182Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? 15183Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? 15184Have you ever eaten an entire moose? 15185Can you see your neck? 15186Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? 15187If so, welcome to National Fat Week. 15188This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, 15189 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. 15190 -- Garfield 15191% 15192Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? 15193% 15194Do you have lysdexia? 15195% 15196Do YOU have redeeming social value? 15197% 15198Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. 15199I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they 15200think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not 15201think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers 15202like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make 15203fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not 15204to think at all. 15205 -- T. H. White 15206% 15207Do you know Montana? 15208% 15209Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education 15210is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. 15211 -- Pete Seeger 15212% 15213Do you mean that you not only want a wrong 15214answer, but a certain wrong answer? 15215 -- Tobaben 15216% 15217Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing 15218between Nixon and the White House. 15219 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 15220% 15221Do you suffer painful elimination? 15222 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" 15223 15224Do you suffer painful recrimination? 15225 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" 15226 15227Do you suffer painful illumination? 15228 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics" 15229 15230Do you suffer painful hallucination? 15231 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda 15232% 15233Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 15234% 15235Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he 15236just whipped out a quarter? 15237 -- Steven Wright 15238% 15239Do you think your mother and I should have lived 15240comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? 15241% 15242Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home, 15243your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is 15244your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? 15245Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? 15246Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. 15247 -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement 15248% 15249Do your otters do the shimmy? 15250Do they like to shake their tails? 15251Do your wombats sleep in tophats? 15252Is your garden full of snails? 15253% 15254Do your part to help preserve life on 15255Earth -- by trying to preserve your own. 15256% 15257Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with 15258little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. 15259 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 15260% 15261Documentation: 15262 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English 15263 speaking persons. 15264% 15265Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and 15266when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 15267 -- Dick Brandon 15268% 15269Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 15270be good because the programmers hate it so much. 15271% 15272Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? 15273Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? 15274Does a good father allow a single child to starve? 15275Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? 15276 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 15277% 15278Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? 15279% 15280Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 15281% 15282Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people 15283and the rest of us. 15284% 15285Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park. 15286% 15287Doing gets it done. 15288% 15289Don 15290Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! 15291 Was she pretty? 15292W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 15293 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have 15294 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 15295Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 15296W. C.: It's almost impossible. 15297 -- W. C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. 15298 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 15299% 15300Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 15301% 15302Don't abandon hope. 15303Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 15304% 15305Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may 15306have got him. 15307% 15308Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, 15309It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, 15310Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, 15311I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. 15312% 15313Don't be humble, you're not that great. 15314 -- Golda Meir 15315% 15316Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 15317% 15318Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. 15319% 15320Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 15321% 15322Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote 15323than I have to. 15324 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy 15325% 15326Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! 15327 -- Joe Cointment 15328% 15329Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. 15330% 15331Don't confuse things that need action 15332with those that take care of themselves. 15333% 15334Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 15335% 15336Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! 15337 -- The Firesign Theatre 15338% 15339Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. 15340% 15341Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. 15342 -- Josh Billings 15343% 15344Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. 15345 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North 15346% 15347Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. 15348% 15349Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. 15350 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard 15351% 15352Don't eat yellow snow. 15353% 15354Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. 15355% 15356Don't everyone thank me at once! 15357 -- Han Solo 15358% 15359Don't expect people to keep in step-- 15360it's hard enough just staying in line. 15361% 15362Don't feed the bats tonight. 15363% 15364Don't force it, get a larger hammer. 15365 -- Anthony 15366% 15367Don't get even, get odd. 15368% 15369Don't get mad, get even. 15370 -- Joseph P. Kennedy 15371 15372Don't get even, get jewelry. 15373 -- Anonymous 15374% 15375Don't get mad, get interest. 15376% 15377Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. 15378% 15379Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they 15380can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. 15381 -- Dave Storer 15382% 15383Don't get to bragging. 15384% 15385Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. 15386The world owes you nothing. It was here first. 15387 -- Mark Twain 15388% 15389Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 15390% 15391Don't go to bed with no price on your head. 15392 -- Baretta 15393% 15394Don't guess - check your security regulations. 15395% 15396Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 15397% 15398Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. 15399% 15400Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. 15401% 15402Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. 15403% 15404Don't I know you? 15405% 15406Don't interfere with the stranger's style. 15407% 15408Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. 15409 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs 15410% 15411Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. 15412% 15413Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 15414% 15415Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 15416% 15417Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. 15418Probably soon after she throws me out. 15419% 15420Don't let go of what you've got hold of, 15421until you have hold of something else. 15422 -- First Rule of Wing Walking 15423% 15424Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do; 15425don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you; 15426don't let nobody tell you what you got to do, 15427or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow... 15428remember, if you don't follow your dreams, 15429you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... 15430 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" 15431% 15432Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 15433% 15434Don't let your status become too quo! 15435% 15436Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. 15437% 15438Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. 15439% 15440Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. 15441% 15442Don't lose 15443Your head 15444To gain a minute 15445You need your head 15446Your brains are in it. 15447 -- Burma Shave 15448% 15449Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. 15450% 15451Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. 15452 -- Scottish proverb 15453% 15454Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. 15455% 15456Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it. 15457 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style" 15458% 15459Don't plan any hasty moves. 15460You'll be evicted soon anyway. 15461% 15462Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because 15463if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. 15464% 15465Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. 15466 -- Miguel de Cervantes 15467% 15468Don't quit now, we might just as well 15469lock the door and throw away the key. 15470% 15471Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. 15472% 15473Don't read everything you believe. 15474% 15475Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. 15476% 15477Don't remember what you can infer. 15478 -- Harry Tennant 15479% 15480Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. 15481 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 15482% 15483Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. 15484% 15485Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. 15486 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 15487% 15488Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat. 15489% 15490Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. 15491% 15492Don't steal... the IRS hates competition! 15493% 15494Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. 15495Cheat. 15496 -- Ambrose Bierce 15497% 15498Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. 15499% 15500Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! 15501 -- "Brazil" 15502% 15503Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. 15504 -- P. Skelly 15505% 15506Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card. 15507 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft 15508% 15509Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive. 15510% 15511Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. 15512 -- Walt Kelly 15513% 15514Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, 15515sodomy and the lash. 15516 -- Winston Churchill 15517% 15518Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 15519% 15520Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. 15521 -- James J. Ling 15522% 15523Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to 15524get more wax!! 15525% 15526Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. 15527I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. 15528 -- Watchman Examiner 15529% 15530Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. 15531% 15532Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. 15533 -- Lazarus Long 15534% 15535Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free 15536with my breakfast cereal. 15537 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox 15538% 15539Don't vote - it only encourages them! 15540% 15541Don't wake me up too soon... 15542Gonna take a ride across the moon... 15543You and me. 15544% 15545Don't worry. Life's too long. 15546 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. 15547% 15548Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. 15549% 15550Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts 15551avoiding you. 15552 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac 15553% 15554Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas 15555are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. 15556 -- Howard Aiken 15557% 15558Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. 15559It's already tomorrow in Australia. 15560 -- Charles Schultz 15561% 15562Don't Worry, Be Happy. 15563 -- Meher Baba 15564% 15565Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, 15566you can always take something for it. 15567% 15568Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. 15569They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 15570% 15571Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. 15572% 15573Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 15574% 15575Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely 15576want to help you could agree with each other? 15577% 15578Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? 15579% 15580Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain? 15581Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an 15582 awful lot of talking, don't they? 15583 -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz" 15584% 15585Double! 15586% 15587Double Bucky, you're the one, 15588You make my keyboard so much fun, 15589Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o) 15590Control and meta, side by side, 15591Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide! 15592Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 15593 15594Oh, I sure wish that I, 15595Had a couple of bits more! 15596Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 15597 15598Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right 15599OR'd together, outta sight! 15600Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of, 15601Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of, 15602Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 15603 -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 15604 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 15605 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] 15606% 15607Double-blind Experiment, n.: 15608 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 15609fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied 15610by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. 15611% 15612Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. 15613 -- Voltaire 15614% 15615Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. 15616 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian 15617% 15618Down to the Banana Republics, 15619Down to the tropical sun. 15620Go the expatriated Americans, 15621Hoping to find some fun. 15622Some of them go for the sailing, 15623Caught by the lure of the sea. 15624Trying to find what is ailing, 15625Living in the land of the free. 15626Some of them are running from lovers, 15627Leaving no forward address. 15628Some of them are running tons of ganja, 15629Some are running from the IRS. 15630Late at night you will find them, 15631In the cheap hotels and bars. 15632Hustling the senoritas, 15633While they dance beneath the stars. 15634 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" 15635% 15636Down with the categorical imperative! 15637% 15638Dow's Law: 15639 In a hierarchical organization, 15640 the higher the level, the greater the confusion. 15641% 15642Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed 15643by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy 15644of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that 15645time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to 15646kill him. 15647 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac" 15648% 15649Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet 15650 15651The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve 15652that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's 15653Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added 15654luxury that you never feel hungry. 15655 15656Here's how the diet works: 15657 15658 FOODS ALLOWED 15659First Month: One egg 15660Second Month: A raisin 15661Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. 15662 15663If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try 15664lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you. 15665% 15666Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. 15667% 15668Dr. Livingston? 15669Dr. Livingston I. Presume? 15670% 15671Drakenberg's Discovery: 15672 If you can't seem to find your glasses, 15673 it's probably because you don't have them on. 15674% 15675Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 15676% 15677Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. 15678% 15679Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. 15680% 15681Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 15682 The first bug to hit a clean windshield 15683 lands directly in front of your eyes. 15684% 15685Drilling for oil is boring. 15686% 15687Drink and dance and laugh and lie 15688Love, the reeling midnight through 15689For tomorrow we shall die! 15690(But, alas, we never do.) 15691 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" 15692% 15693Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_i_s* fun trying. 15694% 15695Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for 15696instant motor skills. 15697 -- Marc Price 15698% 15699Drinking is not a spectator sport. 15700 -- Jim Brosnan 15701% 15702Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin 15703with, that it's compounding a felony. 15704 -- Robert Benchley 15705% 15706Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: 15707that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. 15708 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" 15709% 15710Drive defensively, buy a tank. 15711% 15712Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to 15713avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever 15714jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the 15715brush after them. 15716% 15717Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out 15718of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever 15719seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a 15720priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. 15721"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your 15722life!" 15723% 15724Drop that pickle! 15725% 15726DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! 15727 -- The Adventurer 15728% 15729Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. 15730 -- The Adventurer 15731% 15732Drug, n.: 15733 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific 15734 paper. 15735% 15736Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 15737% 15738Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a 15739lot a poker. 15740 -- Karyl Roosevelt 15741% 15742Ducharme's Axiom: 15743 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 15744 yourself as part of the problem. 15745% 15746Ducharme's Precept: 15747 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 15748% 15749Duckies are fun! 15750% 15751Ducks? What ducks?? 15752% 15753Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, 15754and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 15755 -- Carl Zwanzig 15756% 15757Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the 15758production of great leaders has been discontinued. 15759% 15760Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your 15761fate and captain of your soul. 15762% 15763Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been 15764discontinued. 15765% 15766Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. 15767% 15768During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has 15769been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, 15770pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; 15771in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. 15772 -- James Madison 15773% 15774During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several 15775times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 15776% 15777During the Reagan-Mondale debates: 15778 15779Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to 15780 perform as president?" 15781Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and 15782 inexperience." 15783% 15784During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a 15785fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; 15786and fly your colors proudly. 15787% 15788Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! 15789Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it! 15790 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" 15791% 15792Duty, n.: 15793 What one expects from others. 15794 -- Oscar Wilde 15795% 15796Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have 15797nothing whatever to do with it. 15798 -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words 15799% 15800Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. 15801 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed 15802% 15803Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. 15804 -- Woody Allen 15805% 15806E = MC ** 2 +- 3db 15807% 15808E Pluribus UNIX. 15809% 15810Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. 15811% 15812Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. 15813 -- Kernighan 15814% 15815Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of 15816Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, 15817worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and 15818imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic 15819typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in 15820the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central 15821corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. 15822Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs 15823in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the 15824offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds 15825a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, 15826then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother 15827company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological 15828competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's 15829orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. 15830 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 15831% 15832Each of us bears his own Hell. 15833 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 15834% 15835Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs 15836in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a 15837university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two 158383 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record. 15839% 15840Each person has the right to take the subway. 15841% 15842Eagleson's Law: 15843 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more 15844months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is 15845an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) 15846% 15847EARL GREY PROFILES 15848 15849NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard 15850OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese 15851AGE: 94 15852BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector 15853EYES: Grey 15854SKIN: Tanned 15855HAIR: Not much 15856LAST MAGAZINE READ: 15857 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly 15858TEA: Earl Grey. Hot. 15859 15860EARL GREY NEVER VARIES. 15861% 15862Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management 15863science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 1586421st century aircraft: 15865 15866 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will 15867 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the 15868 pilot if he touches anything. 15869 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 15870% 15871Early to bed and early to rise and you'll 15872be groggy when everyone else is wide awake. 15873% 15874Early to rise and early to bed makes 15875a man healthy and wealthy and dead. 15876 -- James Thurber 15877% 15878Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. 15879% 15880Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. 15881% 15882/earth: file system full. 15883% 15884/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 15885% 15886Earth is a beta site. 15887% 15888Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. 15889 -- Jeff Berner 15890% 15891Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: 15892 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the 15893cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of 15894the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this 15895means the puzzle is solved. 15896 -- Steve Rubenstein 15897% 15898Easy come and easy go, 15899 some call me easy money, 15900Sometimes life is full of laughs, 15901 and sometimes it ain't funny 15902You may think that I'm a fool 15903 and sometimes that is true, 15904But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire, 15905 with or without you. 15906 -- Hoyt Axton 15907% 15908Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. 15909 -- Harry Secombe's diet 15910% 15911Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah. 15912% 15913Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 15914% 15915Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. 15916% 15917Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. 15918% 15919Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse 15920will happen to you the rest of the day. 15921 15922[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.] 15923% 15924Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. 15925% 15926Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy. 15927% 15928Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. 15929% 15930Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 15931 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15932% 15933Economics, n.: 15934 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith. 15935 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15936% 15937Economies of scale: 15938 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want 15939 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one 15940 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith 15941 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected 15942 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all 15943 those limitations. 15944% 15945Economist, n.: 15946 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough 15947 personality to become an accountant. 15948% 15949Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would 15950turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. 15951 -- Robert Orben 15952% 15953Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 15954percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 15955 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15956% 15957Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. 15958 -- Fred Allen 15959% 15960Editing is a rewording activity. 15961% 15962Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and 15963demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. 15964 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897 15965% 15966Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to 15967time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. 15968 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist" 15969% 15970Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. 15971 -- Daniel J. Boorstin 15972% 15973Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 15974 -- Irwin Edman 15975% 15976Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. 15977 -- B. F. Skinner 15978% 15979Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead 15980to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters 15981of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with 15982royal-blue chickens. 15983 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 15984% 15985Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! 15986 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose 15987% 15988Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 15989 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 15990% 15991Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many 15992people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable 15993comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where 15994the "nog" comes from. 15995 15996To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in 15997season, eggs... 15998% 15999Ego sum ens omnipotens 16000% 16001Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature 16002to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. 16003 -- Bellamy Brooks 16004% 16005Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. 16006% 16007Egotism, n.: 16008 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. 16009% 16010Egotist, n.: 16011 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 16012 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 16013% 16014egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 16015% 16016Ehrman's Commentary: 16017 (1) Things will get worse before they get better. 16018 (2) Who said things would get better? 16019% 16020...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his 16021original joy his falling in love with Ada. 16022 -- Nabokov 16023% 16024Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because 16025God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software 16026engineer. 16027 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 16028% 16029Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. 16030 -- Groucho Marx' last words 16031% 16032Elbonics, v.: 16033 The actions of two people maneuvering for one 16034 armrest in a movie theatre. 16035 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 16036% 16037Eleanor Rigby 16038Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen 16039Lives in a dream 16040Waits for a signal, finding some code that will 16041 make the machine do some more. 16042What is it for? 16043 16044All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 16045All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 16046 16047Hacker MacKensie 16048Writing the code for a program that no one will run 16049It's nearly done 16050Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's 16051 nobody there. 16052What does he care? 16053 16054All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 16055All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 16056Ah, look at all the lonely users. 16057Ah, look at all the lonely users. 16058% 16059ELECTRIC JELL-O 16060 160612 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin 160622 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water 160631/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol 16064 16065Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til 16066 fully dissolved. 16067Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.) 16068Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing 16069 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.) 16070Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol. 16071Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for 16072 the faint of heart. 16073Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.) 16074Cut into squares and enjoy! 16075 16076WARNING: 16077 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for 16078 children under eight years of age. 16079% 16080Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 16081% 16082Electrocution, n.: 16083 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 16084% 16085Elegance and truth are inversely related. 16086 -- Becker's Razor 16087% 16088Elephant, n.: 16089 A mouse built to government specifications. 16090% 16091Elevators smell different to midgets. 16092% 16093Eleventh Law of Acoustics: 16094 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 16095 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 16096 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 16097 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 16098 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 16099 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 16100 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 16101% 16102Eli and Bessie went to sleep. 16103In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. 16104 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!" 16105Half asleep, Eli murmured, 16106 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?" 16107% 16108Elliptic paraboloids for sale. 16109% 16110Elliptical, n.: 16111 The feel of a kiss. 16112% 16113Eloquence is logic on fire. 16114% 16115Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am? 16116Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. 16117% 16118Emacs, n.: 16119 A slow-moving parody of a text editor. 16120% 16121Emerson's Law of Contrariness: 16122 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do 16123 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them 16124 for it. 16125% 16126Encyclopedia for sale by father. 16127Son knows everything. 16128% 16129Encyclopedia Salesmen: 16130 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 16131 and tell them your house is being burgled. 16132 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 16133% 16134Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless. 16135Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop. 16136 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 16137% 16138Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning 16139Endless the quest; 16140I turn again, back to my own beginning, 16141And here, find rest. 16142% 16143Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of 16144property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline 16145of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. 16146 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine" 16147% 16148Engineering: "How will this work?" 16149Science: "Why will this work?" 16150Management: "When will this work?" 16151Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" 16152% 16153English literature's performing flea. 16154 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse 16155% 16156Engram, n.: 16157 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." 161582. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer 16159in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature 16160of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, 16161psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson 16162and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved 16163conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of 16164thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory 16165was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only 16166ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that 16167time.] 16168 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, 16169 3rd edition, 2007 A.D. 16170% 16171Enhance, v.: 16172 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. 16173% 16174Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. 16175% 16176Enjoy yourself while you're still old. 16177% 16178Entrepreneur, n.: 16179 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather 16180 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. 16181% 16182Entropy isn't what it used to be. 16183% 16184Entropy requires no maintenance. 16185 -- Markoff Chaney 16186% 16187Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. 16188 -- Onasander 16189% 16190Envy, n.: 16191 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, 16192 instead of having to try and acquire one. 16193% 16194Enzymes are things invented by biologists 16195that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. 16196 -- Jerome Lettvin 16197% 16198Epperson's law: 16199 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably 16200 something his wife can beat him at. 16201% 16202Equal bytes for women. 16203% 16204Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. 16205 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader 16206% 16207Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. 16208 "Ever since they threatened to fire me." 16209% 16210Error in operator: add beer 16211% 16212Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 16213 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 16214Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven 16215 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. 16216 -- Lewis Carroll, 16217 "Through the Looking-Glass, 16218 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 16219% 16220Eschew obfuscation. 16221% 16222Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. 16223 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360 16224% 16225E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) 16226% 16227Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 16228 -- Woody Allen 16229% 16230Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? 16231 -- Tom Stoppard 16232% 16233Etiquette is for those with no breeding; 16234fashion for those with no taste. 16235% 16236Etymology, n.: 16237 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 16238 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was 16239 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), 16240 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are 16241 hard to swallow." 16242 -- Mike Kellen 16243% 16244Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen; 16245Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. 16246 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" 16247% 16248Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of 16249the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to 16250Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation 16251Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, 16252Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman 16253Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to 16254make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return 16255them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be 16256a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing 16257the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that 16258they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed 16259over roulette. 16260 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie" 16261% 16262Eureka! 16263 -- Archimedes 16264% 16265Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns. 16266% 16267Even a cabbage may look at a king. 16268% 16269Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. 16270% 16271Even a man who is pure at heart, 16272And says his prayers at night 16273Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, 16274And the moon is full and bright. 16275 -- The Wolf Man, 1941 16276% 16277Even God cannot change the past. 16278 -- Joseph Stalin 16279% 16280Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. 16281 -- Menander 16282% 16283Even if you do learn to speak correct 16284English, whom are you going to speak it to? 16285 -- Clarence Darrow 16286% 16287Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. 16288 -- Aristophanes 16289% 16290Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 16291 -- Will Rogers 16292% 16293Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, 16294When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, 16295Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; 16296And that I knew, though not the day and hour. 16297Too season-wise am I, being country-bred, 16298To tilt at autumn or defy the frost: 16299Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did, 16300I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost." 16301I only hoped, with the mild hope of all 16302Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree, 16303A fairer summer and a later fall 16304Than in these parts a man is apt to see, 16305And sunny clusters ripened for the wine: 16306I tell you this across the blackened vine. 16307 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of 16308 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931 16309% 16310Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. 16311% 16312Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 16313 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 16314% 16315Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 16316States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a 16317day. 16318% 16319Events are not affected, they develop. 16320 -- Sri Aurobindo 16321% 16322Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? 16323% 16324Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's 16325bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes? 16326% 16327Ever get the feeling that the world's 16328on tape and one of the reels is missing? 16329 -- Rich Little 16330% 16331Ever notice that even the busiest people are 16332never too busy to tell you just how busy they are? 16333% 16334Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? 16335Simple coincidence? 16336Maybe... 16337% 16338Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 16339That's the sprit that has brought us fame. 16340We're big but bigger we will be, 16341We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity 16342Has been our aim. 16343Our products now are known in every zone. 16344Our reputation sparkles like a gem. 16345We've fought our way thru 16346And new fields we're sure to conquer, too 16347For the Ever Onward IBM! 16348 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 16349% 16350Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 16351We're bound for the top to never fall, 16352Right here and now we thankfully 16353Pledge sincerest loyalty 16354To the corporation that's the best of all 16355Our leaders we revere and while we're here, 16356Let's show the world just what we think of them! 16357So let us sing men -- Sing men 16358Once or twice, then sing again 16359For the Ever Onward IBM! 16360 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 16361% 16362Ever since I was a young boy, 16363I've hacked the ARPA net, 16364From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal, 16365Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo, 16366But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in, 16367On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root, 16368That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's, 16369Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint, 16370 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 16371 Sure sends a mean packet. 16372He's a UNIX wizard, 16373There has to be a twist. 16374The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions, 16375Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells, 16376How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing, 16377I don't know. Types by sense of smell, 16378What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs, 16379 The proper bit flags set, 16380 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 16381 Sure sends a mean packet. 16382 -- UNIX Wizard 16383% 16384Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, 16385exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." 16386All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with 16387spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: 16388Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please 16389take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something? 16390My wife is available. No. How about ..." 16391 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 16392% 16393Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? 16394% 16395Ever wonder why fire engines are red? 16396 16397Because newspapers are read too. 16398Two and Two is four. 16399Four and four is eight. 16400Eight and four is twelve. 16401There are twelve inches in a ruler. 16402Queen Mary was a ruler. 16403Queen Mary was a ship. 16404Ships sail the sea. 16405There are fishes in the sea. 16406Fishes have fins. 16407The Fins fought the Russians. 16408Russians are red. 16409Fire engines are always rush'n. 16410Therefore fire engines are red. 16411% 16412Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer 16413technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. 16414The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in 16415computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long 16416Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- 16417trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard 16418one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the 16419"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly; 16420there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed 16421computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using 16422ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when 16423anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper 16424said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred 16425them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons 16426Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in 16427question." 16428 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in 16429 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.] 16430% 16431Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain 16432the last but one. 16433 -- Adolf Hitler 16434% 16435Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. 16436% 16437Every cloud engenders not a storm. 16438 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 16439% 16440Every cloud has a silver lining; 16441you should have sold it, and bought titanium. 16442% 16443Every country has the government it deserves. 16444 -- Joseph De Maistre 16445% 16446Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 16447% 16448Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. 16449% 16450Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. 16451 -- Lenny Bruce 16452% 16453Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. 16454% 16455Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this 16456woman and stop her. 16457% 16458Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one 16459idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's 16460sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all 16461of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two 16462highly-motivated, caustic twits. 16463 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet 16464% 16465Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 16466signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 16467fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 16468spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 16469genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way 16470of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is 16471humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 16472 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 16473% 16474Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): 16475 16476Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in 16477front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an 16478odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even 16479and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of 16480legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, 16481there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse 16482of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same 16483color"], that does not exist. 16484% 16485Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. 16486 -- Frank Moore Colby 16487% 16488Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. 16489% 16490Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 16491 -- Don Vonada 16492% 16493Every love's the love before 16494In a duller dress. 16495 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" 16496% 16497Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95. 16498% 16499Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, 16500or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. 16501Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk 16502only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other 16503subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his 16504own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured 16505by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to 16506philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, 16507but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find 16508in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. 16509 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 16510% 16511Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 16512 -- Miguel de Cervantes 16513% 16514Every man takes the limits of his own field 16515of vision for the limits of the world. 16516 -- Schopenhauer 16517% 16518Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich 16519and powerful know that he is. 16520 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" 16521% 16522Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect 16523that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers 16524and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the 16525essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural 16526inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued 16527forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. 16528 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William 16529% 16530Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done 16531it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. 16532 -- Barrie 16533% 16534Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the 16535richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. 16536 -- Robert Orben 16537% 16538Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster 16539than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. 16540It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. 16541It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes 16542up, you'd better be running. 16543% 16544Every morning is a Smirnoff morning. 16545% 16546Every night my prayers I say, 16547 And get my dinner every day; 16548And every day that I've been good, 16549 I get an orange after food. 16550The child that is not clean and neat, 16551 With lots of toys and things to eat, 16552He is a naughty child, I'm sure-- 16553 Or else his dear papa is poor. 16554 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 16555% 16556Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. 16557 16558It makes sense, when you don't think about it. 16559% 16560Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels 16561start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and 16562then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the 16563music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. 16564 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 16565% 16566Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! 16567But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and 16568when they aren't. 16569 16570 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. 16571 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. 16572 When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying. 16573 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! 16574% 16575Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by 16576the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he 16577sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted. 16578 -- Morris Kline 16579% 16580Every path has its puddle. 16581% 16582Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have 16583drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. 16584 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 16585% 16586Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 16587instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program 16588can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 16589% 16590Every program has (at least) two purposes: 16591 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. 16592% 16593Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. 16594% 16595Every silver lining has a cloud around it. 16596% 16597Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was 16598eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is 16599bend a disk. 16600 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 16601 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support 16602 of their movement. 16603% 16604Every solution breeds new problems. 16605% 16606Every successful person has had failures 16607but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. 16608% 16609Every suicide is a solution to a problem. 16610 -- Jean Baechler 16611% 16612Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. 16613% 16614Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! 16615% 16616Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. 16617% 16618Every time you manage to close the door on 16619Reality, it comes in through the window. 16620% 16621Every why hath a wherefore. 16622 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" 16623% 16624Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 16625 -- Beckett 16626% 16627Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is 16628the best one. 16629 -- Jack Hurley 16630% 16631Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that 16632called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all 16633the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; 16634otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded 16635and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. 16636Finally the company president called Sam into his office. 16637 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's 16638a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, 16639you're fired. As of right now." 16640 Sam signed the papers immediately. 16641 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you 16642couldn't have signed earlier?" 16643 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so 16644clearly before." 16645% 16646Everybody has something to conceal. 16647 -- Humphrey Bogart 16648% 16649Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and 16650if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. 16651% 16652Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 16653 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 16654% 16655Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their 16656fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the 16657good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay 16658poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. 16659 16660Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain 16661lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog 16662just died. 16663 16664Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates 16665and long stem rose. Everybody knows. 16666 16667Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really 16668do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or 16669two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people 16670you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows. 16671 16672And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you. 16673And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two. 16674Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton 16675for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows. 16676 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" 16677% 16678Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. 16679 -- Arthur Miller 16680% 16681Everybody needs a little love sometime; 16682stop hacking and fall in love! 16683% 16684Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 16685% 16686Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had 16687to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. 16688% 16689Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment. 16690% 16691Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. 16692% 16693Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to 16694realize it. 16695% 16696Everyone is entitled to my opinion. 16697% 16698Everyone is in the best seat. 16699 -- John Cage 16700% 16701Everyone is more or less mad on one point. 16702 -- Rudyard Kipling 16703% 16704Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 16705formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 16706scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 16707wholly unconcerned with what _d_o_e_s exist. Indeed, the banality of 16708existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to 16709discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the 16710problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the 16711mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, 16712one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 16713different way ... 16714 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 16715% 16716Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _d_o_e_s anything about it. 16717% 16718Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes 16719to get them. 16720 -- Dirty Harry 16721% 16722Everyone was born right-handed. 16723Only the greatest overcome it. 16724% 16725Everyone who comes in here wants three things: 16726 1. They want it quick. 16727 2. They want it good. 16728 3. They want it cheap. 16729I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. 16730 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company 16731% 16732Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees. 16733% 16734Everything bows to success, even grammar. 16735% 16736Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". 16737% 16738Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end. 16739% 16740Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. 16741 -- Alexander Woollcott 16742% 16743Everything in this book may be wrong. 16744 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 16745% 16746Everything is controlled by a small evil group 16747to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. 16748% 16749Everything is possible. Pass the word. 16750 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" 16751% 16752Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being 16753that a belch is more satisfying. 16754 -- Ingmar Bergman 16755% 16756Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about 16757something you know. 16758 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav, 16759 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List 16760% 16761Everything might be different in the present 16762if only one thing had been different in the past. 16763% 16764Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old. 16765 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 16766% 16767Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 16768% 16769Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. 16770 -- Albert Einstein 16771% 16772Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. 16773 -- Erwin Tomash 16774% 16775Everything that can be invented has been invented. 16776 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899 16777% 16778Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. 16779% 16780Everything will be just tickety-boo today. 16781% 16782Everything you know is wrong! 16783% 16784Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that 16785rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. 16786 -- Erwin Knoll 16787% 16788Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 16789obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 16790solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 16791There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 16792straight lines. 16793 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 16794% 16795Everything's great in this good old world; 16796(This is the stuff they can always use.) 16797God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; 16798(This will provide for baby's shoes.) 16799Hunger and War do not mean a thing; 16800Everything's rosy where'er we roam; 16801Hark, how the little birds gaily sing! 16802(This is what fetches the bacon home.) 16803 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" 16804% 16805Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My 16806opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller 16807that could have been prevented by a good teacher. 16808 -- Flannery O'Connor 16809% 16810Everywhere you go you'll see them searching, 16811Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain, 16812Everyone is looking for the answer, 16813Well look again. 16814 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World" 16815% 16816Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil 16817of others, but it is seldom a mistake. 16818 -- H. L. Mencken 16819% 16820Evolution is a million line computer 16821program falling into place by accident. 16822% 16823Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around 16824the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when 16825evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can 16826doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present 16827life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is 16828as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with 16829respect to theories about how the process operates. 16830 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life" 16831% 16832Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for 16833even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. 16834 -- C. C. Colton 16835% 16836Example is not the main thing in influencing others. 16837It is the only thing. 16838 -- Albert Schweitzer 16839% 16840Excellent day for drinking heavily. 16841Spike the office water cooler. 16842% 16843Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. 16844% 16845Excellent day to have a rotten day. 16846% 16847Excellent time to become a missing person. 16848% 16849Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. 16850 -- Miller 16851% 16852Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a 16853customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: 16854 16855Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." 16856Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." 16857% 16858Excerpt from a DEC field service document: 16859 16860.... 16861- none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the 16862screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP 16863comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands. 16864% 16865Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 16866acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 16867 -- W. Somerset Maugham 16868% 16869Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility. 16870% 16871Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. 16872% 16873Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. 16874 -- Marcus Aurelius 16875% 16876Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do 16877the work. 16878 -- John G. Pollard 16879% 16880Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. 16881% 16882Exercise caution in your daily affairs. 16883% 16884Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, 16885and just before you realize what is wrong with it. 16886% 16887Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. 16888% 16889Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. 16890% 16891Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. 16892% 16893Expedience is the best teacher. 16894% 16895Expense accounts, n.: 16896 Corporate food stamps. 16897% 16898Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. 16899 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" 16900% 16901Experience is not what happens to you; 16902it is what you do with what happens to you. 16903 -- Aldous Huxley 16904% 16905Experience is that marvelous thing that enables 16906you recognize a mistake when you make it again. 16907 -- Franklin Jones 16908% 16909Experience is the worst teacher. It always 16910gives the test first and the instruction afterward. 16911% 16912Experience is what causes a person 16913to make new mistakes instead of old ones. 16914% 16915Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. 16916% 16917Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, 16918particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. 16919 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" 16920% 16921Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. 16922% 16923Expert, n.: 16924 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. 16925% 16926External Security: 16927% 16928Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: 16929 16930 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE 16931 16932To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully 16933cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand 16934corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and 16935address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- 16936to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower 16937left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card 16938below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your 16939computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL 16940SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card 16941(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the 16942Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be 16943disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print 16944this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and 16945completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. 16946% 16947Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples 16948of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, 16949but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings 16950that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have 16951argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness," 16952and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of 16953neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid 16954handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena 16955than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves 16956offer more plausible alternatives. 16957 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: 16958 Implications for Psi Phenomena". 16959% 16960Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. 16961 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" 16962% 16963Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit 16964of justice is no virtue. 16965 -- Barry Goldwater 16966% 16967F: When into a room I plunge, I 16968 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. 16969 Then I linger, darkly brooding 16970 On the poison they're exuding. 16971 -- The Roguelet's ABC 16972% 16973F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway: 16974 "Ernest, the rich are different from us." 16975Hemingway: 16976 "Yes. They have more money." 16977% 16978f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 16979% 16980f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 16981% 16982f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. 16983% 16984FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; 16985% 16986Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. 16987% 16988Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. 16989 -- Sven Italla 16990% 16991Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. 16992% 16993Facts are the enemy of truth. 16994 -- Don Quixote 16995% 16996Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. 16997 -- Aldous Huxley 16998% 16999Failed Attempts To Break Records 17000 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break 17001the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised 17002he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and 17003doesn't even shout at me." 17004 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the 17005record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. 17006 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended 17007after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. 17008"People complained I was too noisy," he said. 17009 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across 17010the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my 17011drone got waterlogged," he said. 17012 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000 17013dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes 17014had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. 17015 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 17016% 17017Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. 17018% 17019Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. 17020 -- Sir Walter Raleigh 17021% 17022Fairy Tale, n.: 17023 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 17024% 17025Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. 17026% 17027Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it 17028ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is 17029the doubt that moved all the mountains. 17030 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 17031% 17032Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam 17033on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. 17034% 17035Faith is under the left nipple. 17036 -- Martin Luther 17037% 17038Faith, n.: 17039 That quality which enables us to 17040 believe what we know to be untrue. 17041% 17042Fakir, n.: 17043 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 17044 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources 17045 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 17046% 17047Falling in Love 17048 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in 17049love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes 17050light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, 17051and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, 17052these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a 17053good idea to check with your doctor. 17054 -- Dave Barry 17055% 17056Falling in love is a lot like dying. 17057You never get to do it enough to become good at it. 17058% 17059Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in 17060restraint. 17061 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus" 17062% 17063Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; 17064the only earthly certainty is oblivion. 17065 -- Mark Twain 17066% 17067Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an 17068autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. 17069 -- Marlo Thomas 17070% 17071Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. 17072% 17073Familiarity breeds attempt. 17074% 17075Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. 17076 -- Mark Twain 17077% 17078Families, when a child is born 17079Want it to be intelligent. 17080I, through intelligence, 17081Having wrecked my whole life, 17082Only hope the baby will prove 17083Ignorant and stupid. 17084Then he will crown a tranquil life 17085By becoming a Cabinet Minister 17086 -- Su Tung-p'o 17087% 17088Famous, adj.: 17089 Conspicuously miserable. 17090 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 17091% 17092Famous last words: 17093% 17094Famous last words: 17095 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 17096 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 17097 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog... 17098 4: We won't need reservations. 17099 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year. 17100 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded. 17101 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 17102 8: Don't worry! Women love it! 17103% 17104Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have 17105forgotten your aim. 17106 -- George Santayana 17107% 17108Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the 17109former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. 17110 17111Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and 17112reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits 17113were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women 17114and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures 17115from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty 17116deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus 17117was the Empire forged. 17118 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 17119% 17120Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. 17121% 17122Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the 17123Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 17124Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an 17125utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life 17126forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches 17127are a pretty neat idea ... 17128 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 17129% 17130Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more 17131stressful than divorce. 17132 -- Wall Street Journal 17133% 17134Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter 17135it every six months. 17136 -- Oscar Wilde 17137% 17138Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. 17139 -- Victor Hugo 17140% 17141Fast, cheap, good: pick two. 17142% 17143Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? 17144 -- Han Solo 17145% 17146Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! 17147 -- Bill Cosby 17148% 17149Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind. 17150% 17151Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! 17152% 17153Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. 17154Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? 17155% 17156Fats Loves Madelyn. 17157% 17158Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. 17159Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. 17160 -- Joe Orton, "Loot" 17161% 17162FEAR: 17163 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates. 17164% 17165Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. 17166 -- Hunter S. Thompson 17167% 17168Fear is the greatest salesman. 17169 -- Robert Klein 17170% 17171Feature, n.: 17172 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To 17173 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not 17174 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though 17175 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's 17176 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. 17177% 17178Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation 17179potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally 17180disadvantaged. 17181% 17182Feel disillusioned? 17183I've got some great new illusions, right here! 17184% 17185Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, 17186it's Microsoft!" 17187% 17188Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, 17189An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature. 17190Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses 17191Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. 17192I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, 17193A singular development of cat communications 17194That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection 17195For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. 17196A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: 17197You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; 17198And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion, 17199It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. 17200Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display 17201Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. 17202And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, 17203I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. 17204 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot" 17205% 17206Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring 17207you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter 17208to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or 17209other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the 17210list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add 17211yours to the bottom of the list. 17212 17213Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San 17214Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find 17215his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent 17216out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to 17217build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at 17218this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in 17219her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. 17220 17221Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! 17222% 17223Female rabbits: 17224 The gift that just "keeps on giving." 17225% 17226Fenderberg, n.: 17227 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides 17228 of car fenders during snowstorms. 17229 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 17230% 17231Ferguson's Precept: 17232 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." 17233% 17234Fertility is hereditary. If your parents 17235didn't have any children, neither will you. 17236% 17237Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about 17238 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. 17239Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the 17240 basic difference between robots and humans? 17241Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs? 17242Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them. 17243 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself" 17244% 17245Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. 17246 -- Mark Twain 17247% 17248Fidelity, n.: 17249 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. 17250% 17251Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, 17252Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 17253Drink and the devil had done for the rest, 17254Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 17255 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Treasure Island" 17256% 17257Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 17258 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 17259Corollary: 17260 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 17261% 17262Fifth Law of Procrastination: 17263 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 17264there is nothing important to do. 17265% 17266Fifty flippant frogs 17267Walked by on flippered feet 17268And with their slime they made the time 17269Unnaturally fleet. 17270% 17271Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North 17272Carolina. 17273% 17274File cabinet: 17275 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. 17276% 17277Filibuster, n.: 17278 Throwing your wait around. 17279% 17280Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. 17281 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 17282% 17283Finagle's Creed: 17284 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 17285% 17286Finagle's Eighth Law: 17287 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 17288 17289Finagle's Ninth Law: 17290 No matter what results are expected, 17291 someone is always willing to fake it. 17292 17293Finagle's Tenth Law: 17294 No matter what the result someone 17295 is always eager to misinterpret it. 17296 17297Finagle's Eleventh Law: 17298 No matter what occurs, someone believes 17299 it happened according to his pet theory. 17300% 17301Finagle's First Law: 17302 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 17303 17304Finagle's Second Law: 17305 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. 17306 17307Finagle's Fourth Law: 17308 Once a job is fouled up, 17309 anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 17310 17311Finagle's Fifth Law: 17312 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. 17313 17314Finagle's Sixth Law: 17315 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. 17316% 17317Finagle's Second Law: 17318 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be 17319 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or 17320 (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. 17321% 17322Finagle's Seventh Law: 17323 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. 17324% 17325Finagle's Third Law: 17326 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 17327 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 17328 17329Corollaries: 17330 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 17331 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 17332 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 17333% 17334Finality is death. 17335Perfection is finality. 17336Nothing is perfect. 17337There are lumps in it. 17338% 17339Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture 17340on a rock. 17341 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 17342% 17343Fine day for friends. 17344So-so day for you. 17345% 17346Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 17347% 17348Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 17349% 17350Fine's Corollary: 17351 Functionality breeds Contempt. 17352% 17353Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: 17354 17355 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." 17356 17357Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: 17358 17359 P.O. Box 35 17360 Baffled Greek, Michigan 17361% 17362Finster's Law: 17363A closed mouth gathers no feet. 17364% 17365First, a few words about tools. 17366 17367Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of 17368the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously 17369injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If 17370you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look 17371particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for 17372granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. 17373 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 17374% 17375First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: 17376 Machines that piss people off get murdered. 17377 -- Pat Taber 17378% 17379First Law of Bicycling: 17380 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. 17381% 17382First law of debate: 17383 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. 17384% 17385First Law of Procrastination: 17386 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 17387 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who 17388 imposed the deadline). 17389% 17390First Law of Socio-Genetics: 17391 Celibacy is not hereditary. 17392% 17393First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really 17394self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. 17395 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" 17396% 17397First Rule of History: 17398 History doesn't repeat itself -- 17399 historians merely repeat each other. 17400% 17401First rule of public speaking. 17402 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; 17403 then tell 'em; 17404 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em. 17405% 17406First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. 17407But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. 17408Dial-A-Wombat. 17409 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone 17410call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the 17411phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. 17412 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of 17413the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. 17414 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. 17415 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its 17416bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. 17417 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in 17418another phone booth. 17419 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. 17420 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and 17421released it, too, in the scrub. 17422 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another 17423telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. 17424 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, 17425and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. 17426 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in 17427telephone booths. 17428 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980 17429% 17430First things first -- but not necessarily in that order. 17431 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 17432% 17433"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; 17434"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; 17435and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of 17436trees to prove their manhood. 17437 -- Dave Barry 17438% 17439Fishbowl, n.: 17440 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly 17441 promoted managers are kept for observation. 17442% 17443Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. 17444 -- Jimmy Cannon 17445% 17446Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck. 17447 -- Adolfo Guzman 17448% 17449Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 17450 -- Robert Firth 17451% 17452Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, 17453Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, 17454I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, 17455And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, 17456Yes, I'm goin' insane, 17457And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, 17458Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 17459 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, 17460 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a 17461 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... 17462You fellah, you tearin' up the street, 17463You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, 17464Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, 17465That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, 17466Yes, and goin' insane, 17467You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, 17468Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 17469(chorus) 17470 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" 17471% 17472Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman 17473were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they 17474had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled 17475"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", 17476the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's 17477"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and 17478Irish Political History". 17479% 17480Five rules for eternal misery: 17481 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. 17482 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to 17483 treat these assumptions as though they are reality. 17484 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. 17485 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with 17486 how much better things might have been or how much worse 17487 things might become). 17488 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to 17489 follow the first four rules. 17490% 17491Flame on! 17492 -- Johnny Storm 17493% 17494Flannister, n.: 17495 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. 17496 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 17497% 17498Flappity, floppity, flip 17499The mouse on the m"obius strip; 17500 The strip revolved, 17501 The mouse dissolved 17502In a chronodimensional skip. 17503% 17504FLASH! 17505Intelligence of mankind decreasing. 17506Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the .... 17507% 17508Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. 17509 -- Josh Billings 17510% 17511Flattery will get you everywhere. 17512% 17513Flee at once, all is discovered. 17514% 17515Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. 17516 -- Helen Rowland 17517% 17518Flon's Law: 17519 There is not now, and never will be, a language in 17520 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 17521% 17522Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her 17523husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my 17524joules!" 17525 17526"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux 17527a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." 17528 17529"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them 17530in my burette ... We must call a copper." 17531 17532Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, 17533said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name 17534of Lawrence Ium. 17535 17536"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and 17537dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can 17538catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an 17539activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... 17540 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" 17541% 17542Flowchart, n. & v.: 17543 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 17544"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 175451. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction 17546problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation 17547using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic 17548doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for 17549wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A 17550thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's 17551Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce 17552flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate 17553(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 17554 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 17555% 17556Flugg's Law: 17557 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize 17558 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 17559% 17560Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... 17561% 17562Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? 17563Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. 17564% 17565Flying saucers on occasion 17566 Show themselves to human eyes. 17567Aliens fume, put off invasion 17568 While they brand these tales as lies. 17569% 17570Fog Lamps, n.: 17571 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts 17572 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 17573 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". 17574% 17575Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a 17576tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored. 17577 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, 17578 commenting on rumors of womanizing. 17579% 17580Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. 17581 -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo" 17582% 17583Foolproof Operation: 17584 No provision for adjustment. 17585% 17586Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. 17587% 17588Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce 17589a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather? 17590% 17591Football combines the two worst features of American life. 17592It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. 17593 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" 17594% 17595Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets. 17596 -- Jimmy Breslin 17597% 17598For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... 17599% 17600For a good time, call (510) 642-9483 17601% 17602For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. 17603% 17604For a light heart lives long. 17605 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 17606% 17607For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a 17608cat. 17609% 17610For adult education nothing beats children. 17611% 17612For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and 17613women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant 17614religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith. 17615The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the 17616known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to 17617prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to 17618misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!" 17619 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods" 17620% 17621For an adequate time call 555-3321. 17622% 17623For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, 17624since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. 17625% 17626For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. 17627 -- Gore Vidal 17628% 17629For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back. 17630% 17631For courage mounteth with occasion. 17632 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 17633% 17634For every bloke who makes his mark, 17635there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. 17636 -- Andy Capp 17637% 17638For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, 17639and wrong. 17640 -- H. L. Mencken 17641% 17642For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 17643 -- R. Clopton 17644% 17645For every human problem, there is a neat, 17646plain solution -- and it is always wrong. 17647 -- H. L. Mencken 17648% 17649For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if 17650you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or 17651not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is 17652that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; 17653when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor 176541mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and 17655'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. 17656 -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 17657% 17658For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. 17659% 17660For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel 17661and cook. 17662 -- Quentin Crisp 17663% 17664For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. 17665 -- Alexander Pope 17666% 17667For gin, in cruel 17668Sober truth, 17669Supplies the fuel 17670For flaming youth. 17671 -- Noel Coward 17672% 17673For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think! 17674% 17675For good, return good. 17676For evil, return justice. 17677% 17678For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. 17679 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) 17680% 17681For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! 17682but with break of day I went to make supplication. 17683 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. 17684% 17685For knighthood is not in the feats of war, 17686As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, 17687But in a cause which truth cannot defer: 17688He ought himself for to make sure and strong, 17689Just to keep mixt with mercy among: 17690And no quarrel a knight ought to take 17691But for a truth, or for the common's sake. 17692 -- Stephen Hawes 17693% 17694For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. 17695% 17696For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: 17697and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. 17698 -- Sir Thomas More 17699% 17700For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to 17701get themselves filed. 17702 -- Clifton Fadiman 17703% 17704For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I 17705put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 17706 -- Steven Wright 17707% 17708For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire 17709life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days 17710now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets 17711when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch 17712in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have 17713the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which 17714means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are 17715advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are 17716the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their 17717names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot 17718("part of this complete breakfast"). 17719 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 17720% 17721For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at 17722the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful 17723power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous 17724and bad music may be put on record forever. 17725 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888 17726% 17727For people who like that kind of book, 17728that is the kind of book they will like. 17729% 17730For perfect happiness, remember two things: 17731 (1) Be content with what you've got. 17732 (2) Be sure you've got plenty. 17733% 17734FOR SALE: 17735 Parachute. Used once. 17736 Never opened. Slightly Stained. 17737% 17738For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 17739"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 17740 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. 17741% 17742For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 17743% 17744For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the 17745massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the 17746last step of doing away with computers altogether?" 17747 -- Jehan Shuman 17748% 17749For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, 17750each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall 17751was a gate. 17752 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" 17753 17754 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 17755 referring to system overview.] 17756 17757% 17758For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. 17759This gives me great hope for the human race. 17760 -- Harlan Ellison 17761% 17762For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. 17763% 17764For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. 17765 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 17766% 17767For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can 17768neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? 17769 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" 17770 17771 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 17772 referring to powerfail recovery.] 17773% 17774For they starve the frightened little child 17775Till it weeps both night and day: 17776And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool, 17777And gibe the old and grey, 17778And some grow mad, and all grow bad, 17779And none a word may say. 17780 17781Each narrow cell in which we dwell 17782Is a foul and dark latrine, 17783And the fetid breath of living Death 17784Chokes up each grated screen, 17785And all, but Lust, is turned to dust 17786In Humanity's machine. 17787 17788And all men kill the thing they love, 17789By all let this be heard, 17790Some do it with a bitter look, 17791Some with a flattering word, 17792The coward does it with a kiss, 17793The brave man with a sword. 17794 -- Oscar Wilde 17795% 17796For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. 17797When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged 17798him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to 17799spend my evenings?" 17800 -- Chamfort 17801% 17802For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the 17803'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow 17804recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned 17805protected species. 17806 Ingredients: 17807 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag 17808 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal 17809 1 teaspoonful salt 17810 8 oz. shredded suet 17811 2 small onions 17812 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper 17813 17814 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water 17815overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over 17816the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus 17817gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about 17818half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, 17819salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for 17820swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not 17821available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for 17822four to five hours. 17823% 17824For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. 17825 -- Abraham Lincoln 17826% 17827For three days after death hair and fingernails 17828continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. 17829 -- Johnny Carson 17830% 17831For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model 17832a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do. 17833Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start 17834religions. 17835 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com> 17836% 17837For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- 17838I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 17839But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 17840Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 17841 -- Justin Richardson 17842% 17843For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! 17844% 17845Force has no place where there is need of skill. 17846 -- Herodotus 17847% 17848"Force is but might," the teacher said-- 17849"That definition's just." 17850The boy said naught but thought instead, 17851Remembering his pounded head: 17852"Force is not might but must!" 17853% 17854Force it!!! 17855If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... 17856No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer. 17857% 17858FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX! 17859% 17860Forecast, n.: 17861 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for 17862 which the forecaster demands payment in the present. 17863% 17864Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. 17865% 17866Forgetfulness, n.: 17867 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for 17868 their destitution of conscience. 17869% 17870Forgive and forget. 17871 -- Cervantes 17872% 17873Forgive him, 17874for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! 17875 -- George Bernard Shaw 17876% 17877Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee 17878And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. 17879 -- Robert Frost 17880% 17881Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names. 17882 -- John F. Kennedy 17883% 17884Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. 17885% 17886Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. 17887% 17888FORTH IF HONK THEN 17889% 17890FORTRAN is a good example of a language 17891which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques. 17892 -- D. Gries 17893 [What's good about it? Ed.] 17894% 17895FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, 17896occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. 17897 -- Alan J. Perlis 17898% 17899FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. 17900 -- Steven Feiner 17901% 17902FORTRAN rots the brain. 17903 -- John McQuillin 17904% 17905FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly 17906inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is 17907too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. 17908 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 17909% 17910[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- 17911probably for at least the next decade. 17912 -- T. Cheatham 17913% 17914Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils. 17915% 17916Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of 17917the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility 17918of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the 17919responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals 17920or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out 17921claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to 17922provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with 17923the accepted body of scientific evidence. 17924 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, 17925 No. 2, pg. 215 17926% 17927Fortune and love befriend the bold. 17928 -- Ovid 17929% 17930FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3 17931 17932Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? 17933A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted 17934 my dissertation to rhyme. 17935% 17936FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8 17937 17938Q: Is God a myth? 17939A: No, He's a mythter. 17940% 17941fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. 17942% 17943fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. 17944% 17945FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14 17946 17947Low Blows: 17948 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One 17949of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must 17950hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. 17951 17952Dressing Up: 17953 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the 17954garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up 17955for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about 17956weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor 17957party". 17958 17959David Letterman: 17960 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the 17961Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad 17962haircut. 17963% 17964FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16 17965 17966Relationships: 17967 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he 17968refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular 17969basis". 17970 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to 17971her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then 17972she will get on with her life. 17973 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the 17974breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just 17975wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I 17976hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's 17977always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" 17978drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are 17979community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, 17980these classes rarely prove effective. 17981% 17982FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17 17983 17984Shoes: 17985 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, 17986boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor 17987of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet. 17988 17989Making friends: 17990 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things 17991together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." 17992 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things 17993together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, 17994sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or 17995psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken 17996sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a 17997jerk, I guess you're OK." 17998% 17999FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2 18000 18001Desserts: 18002 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic 18003work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before 18004she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by 18005grabbing the cherry in the center. 18006 18007Car repair: 18008 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair 18009manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem 18010himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be 18011fixed without special tools". 18012 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an 18013accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the 18014car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than 18015the average man. 18016% 18017FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4 18018 18019Weddings: 18020 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". 18021Men talk about "the bachelor party". 18022 18023Clothes: 18024 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt 18025he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about 18026the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on 18027the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting 18028them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age. 18029 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. 18030They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions. 18031% 18032FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5 18033 18034Trust: 18035 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling 18036around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if 18037she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her 18038OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that 18039one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if 18040his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one 18041of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, 18042so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. 18043 18044Driving: 18045 18046 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind 18047the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep 18048him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting 18049to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The 18050Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body 18051shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and 18052price their policies accordingly. 18053 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get 18054rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to 18055her makeup. 18056% 18057FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6 18058 18059Bathrooms: 18060 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, 18061shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 18062The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man 18063would not be able to identify most of these items. 18064 18065Groceries: 18066 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store 18067and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge 18068are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys 18069everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, 18070his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. 18071Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. 18072% 18073FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8 18074 18075Going Out: 18076 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go 18077out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready 18078to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, 18079checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend... 18080 18081Cats: 18082 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't 18083looking, men kick cats. 18084 18085Offspring: 18086 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows 18087about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends 18088and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely 18089aware of some short people living in the house. 18090% 18091FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9 18092 18093Laundry: 18094 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article 18095of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight 18096years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, 18097he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain 18098of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at 18099the laundromat. This is a myth. 18100 18101Nicknames: 18102 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, 18103they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if 18104Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately 18105refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. 18106 18107Socks: 18108 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. 18109Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures 18110of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. 18111% 18112FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 18113 18114CARTABLANCA: 18115 Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells 18116 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of 18117 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer 18118 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is 18119 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in 18120 which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat. 18121% 18122FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 18123 18124MONOPOLI: 18125 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour 18126 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after 18127 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the 18128 Boardwalk property. 18129% 18130FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 18131 18132O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. 18133 18134 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of 18135 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif 18136 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in 18137 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. 18138 With Julie Christie. 18139% 18140FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 18141 18142MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: 18143 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and 18144 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way 18145 into your heart. 18146% 18147FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 18148 18149WITLESS: 18150 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role 18151 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the 18152 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to 18153 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly 18154 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away. 18155% 18156FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 18157 18158THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: 18159 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman 18160 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family 18161 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales 18162 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues 18163 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives 18164 a glowing performance. 18165% 18166FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 18167 18168RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 18169 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, 18170 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, 18171 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 18172% 18173FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 18174 18175OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": 18176 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences 18177 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of 18178 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy. 18179 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for 18180 younger viewers. 18181% 18182FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8 18183 18184THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) 18185 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen 18186 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable 18187 (if sometimes fatal) lesson. 18188 18189THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) 18190 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving 18191 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece 18192 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of 18193 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family. 18194% 18195FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 18196 18197THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. 18198 18199 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as 18200 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene 18201 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) 18202% 18203Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 18204 18205It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and 18206supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to 18207more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant 18208negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a 18209negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive 18210as that in support of an affirmative. 18211 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472 18212% 18213Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 18214 18215We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be 18216left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it 18217seems to us that someone has been very careless. 18218 -- 78 So. 365 18219% 18220Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 18221 18222We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" 18223may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine 18224species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female 18225of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two 18226revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think 18227it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. 18228 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466 18229% 18230FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 18231 18232Skilled oral communicator: 18233 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. 18234 Argues with self. Loses these arguments. 18235 18236Skilled written communicator: 18237 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for 18238 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. 18239 18240Growth potential: 18241 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training, 18242 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet 18243 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. 18244 18245Key company figure: 18246 Serves as the perfect counter example. 18247% 18248FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 18249 18250Consistent: 18251 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated 18252 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. 18253 18254An excellent sounding board: 18255 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement 18256 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. 18257 18258A planner and organizer: 18259 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the 18260 animal tags on his clothing. 18261% 18262FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 18263 18264Has management potential: 18265 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the 18266 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department 18267 pencil monitor. 18268 18269Inspirational: 18270 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, 18271 go I.") 18272 18273Adapts to stress: 18274 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the 18275 situation. 18276 18277Goal oriented: 18278 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails 18279 to meet them. 18280% 18281Fortune favors the lucky. 18282% 18283Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 18284 18285 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions. 18286% 18287Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 18288 18289 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." 18290 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas 18291 Cowboy cheerleaders. 18292% 18293Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 18294 18295 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, 18296 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." 18297 Juliet, this bud's for you. 18298% 18299Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 18300 18301 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people 18302 you've made happy. 18303% 18304Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 18305 18306 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? 18307 No, I guess not. 18308% 18309Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 18310 18311 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. 18312% 18313Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 18314 18315 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" 18316 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. 18317% 18318Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 18319 18320 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. 18321% 18322fortune: No such file or directory 18323% 18324fortune: not found 18325% 18326Fortune presents: 18327 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. 18328 18329^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English? 18330Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand. 18331Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker 18332 renkontas. I've met. 18333La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail. 18334Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it. 18335Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around. 18336Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea. 18337% 18338Fortune presents: 18339 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. 18340 18341^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken? 18342^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often? 18343^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number? 18344Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers. 18345Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction. 18346^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going? 18347% 18348Fortune presents: 18349 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. 18350 18351Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 18352 ^cevalon. 18353Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. 18354Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! 18355Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? 18356Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? 18357Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. 18358% 18359FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4 18360 18361Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!? 18362Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........ 18363Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case! 18364Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here? 18365% 18366FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 18367 18368A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy 18369Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? 18370% 18371FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 18372 18373A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 18374Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? 18375% 18376FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 18377 18378A: To be or not to be. 18379Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? 18380% 18381FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 18382 18383A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. 18384Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? 18385% 18386FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 18387 18388A: Chicken Teriyaki. 18389Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? 18390% 18391FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 18392 18393A: Go west, young man, go west! 18394Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? 18395% 18396FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 18397 18398A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. 18399Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. 18400% 18401FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 18402 18403 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" 18404 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 18405% 18406FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 18407 18408 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" 18409 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 18410% 18411Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! 18412 18413Try: 18414 ar t "God" 18415 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) 18416 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) 18417 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) 18418 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) 18419 rm God 18420 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) 18421 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 18422 make "heads or tails of all this" 18423 who is smart 18424 (C shell) 18425 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? 18426 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 18427% 18428Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai 18429sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. 18430 18431Oh, and have a nice day! 18432 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 18433% 18434Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: 18435 18436 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. 18437 "Hey you, get off my plate" 18438 -- Roger Midnight 18439% 18440Fortune's current rates: 18441 18442 Answers .10 18443 Long answers .25 18444 Answers requiring thought .50 18445 Correct answers $1.00 18446 18447 Dumb looks are still free. 18448% 18449Fortune's diet truths: 184501: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. 184512: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. 184523: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not 18453 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. 184544: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see 18455 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. 184565: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as 18457 appealing as tepid beer. 184586: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! 184597: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and 18460 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and 18461 it isn't. 184628: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. 184639: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! 1846410: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. 1846511: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and 18466 swallowing. 18467% 18468Fortune's Exercising Truths: 18469 184701: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't. 184712. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks. 184723. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. 184734. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. 184745. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done 18475 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as 18476 you twitter around in your chair. 184776. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers. 184787. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around 18479 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard 18480 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. 184818. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, 18482 followed by one throw-up. 184839. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided. 18484% 18485FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 18486 Christmas Rum Cake 18487 184881 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder 184891 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 184901 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice 184912 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar 184922 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts 18493 18494Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now 18495select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It 18496must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup 18497of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric 18498mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar 18499and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. 18500Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups 18501of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the 18502beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking 18503for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a 18504seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). 18505Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and 18506strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. 18507Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until 18508poothtick comes out crean. 18509% 18510Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: 18511 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" 18512% 18513FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 18514 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. 18515 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. 18516 A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family. 18517 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat 18518 rather than a spotted one. 18519 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees 18520 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a 18521 legume-part of the pea family. 18522 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. 18523% 18524FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 18525 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" 18526Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. 18527% 18528FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 18529 Can you name the seven seas? 18530 Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, 18531 North Pacific, South Pacific. 18532 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? 18533 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. 18534% 18535FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 18536 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background. 18537% 18538FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108 18539 18540In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 18541there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 18542flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 18543% 18544FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 18545 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath 18546at least once a year. 18547% 18548FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16 18549 18550The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River 18551can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. 18552% 18553FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19 18554 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 18555his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional 18556ability in that particular field." 18557% 18558FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 18559 18560In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 18561at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 18562% 18563FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2 18564 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 18565% 18566FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3 18567 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the 18568movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 18569right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 18570% 18571FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8 18572 18573 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart 18574a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 18575% 18576Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): 18577 18578 Don't Write On Walls! 18579 18580 (and underneath) 18581 18582 You want I should type? 18583% 18584Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3 18585 18586August 27, 1949: 18587 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the 18588 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. 18589% 18590FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 18591What to do... 18592 if reality disappears? 18593 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you 18594 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. 18595 18596 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time 18597 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? 18598 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. 18599 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your 18600 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you 18601 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles 18602 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask 18603 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. 18604% 18605FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 18606What to do... 18607 if you get a phone call from Mars: 18608 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit 18609 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are 18610 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. 18611 18612 if he, she or it doesn't speak English? 18613 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. 18614 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she 18615 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before 18616 calling. 18617 18618 if you get a phone call from Jupiter? 18619 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, 18620 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the 18621 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the 18622 charges may have been reversed. 18623% 18624FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 18625What to do... 18626 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? 18627 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any 18628 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe 18629 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, 18630 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. 18631 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably 18632 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. 18633 18634 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your 18635 closet contains an alternate dimension? 18636 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, 18637 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm 18638 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not 18639 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains 18640 an alternate dimension, nail it shut. 18641% 18642Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: 18643 18644WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: 18645 18646Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 18647of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the 18648combination of beauty and power. Few have 18649excelled him in the use of the English language, 18650or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 18651'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest 18652single poem ever written." 18653 18654Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now 18655doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are 18656of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the 18657 bungling and greed of President 18658 Roosevelt. 18659 18660... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a 18661not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. 18662% 18663Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): 18664 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this 18665State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed 18666with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females 18667weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it 18668apply to female horses. 18669% 18670Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals 18671goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned 18672House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a 18673sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero 18674and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 18675 18676Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are 18677 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams." 18678Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?" 18679Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is 18680 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large 18681 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of 18682 fertilization." 18683Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 18684 teenagers who read The Congressional Record." 18685% 18686Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: 18687 18688 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. 18689% 18690FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14 18691 18692 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to 18693your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert 18694and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 18695drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 18696% 18697Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: 18698 18699Q: Are you married? 18700A: No, I'm divorced. 18701Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 18702A: A lot of things I didn't know about. 18703% 18704Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: 18705 18706Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 18707A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 18708% 18709Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: 18710 18711THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present 18712 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have 18713 any ... 18714% 18715Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: 18716 18717Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 18718A: I will be three months November 8th. 18719Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 18720A: Yes. 18721Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? 18722% 18723Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: 18724 18725Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 18726A: No. 18727Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 18728A: Picking them up in the air. 18729Q: Where was the dog at this time? 18730A: Attached to the ears. 18731% 18732Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: 18733 18734Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were 18735 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to 18736 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with 18737 him to the station? 18738MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 18739% 18740Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: 18741 18742Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 18743A: By death. 18744Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 18745% 18746Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: 18747 18748Q: What is your name? 18749A: Ernestine McDowell. 18750Q: And what is your marital status? 18751A: Fair. 18752% 18753Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: 18754 18755Q: What happened then? 18756A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify 18757 me." 18758Q: Did he kill you? 18759A: No. 18760% 18761Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 18762 18763Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over 18764the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that 18765the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments 18766in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an 18767incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has 18768never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's 18769memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having 18770done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand 18771the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then 18772you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, 18773the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: 18774 18775 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo. 18776 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. 18777 3: When replying to one of your own memos. 18778% 18779FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 18780 18781 Never goose a wolverine. 18782% 18783FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 18784 18785 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. 18786% 18787Forty isn't old, if you're a tree. 18788% 18789Four be the things I am wiser to know: 18790 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 18791 18792Four be the things I'd been better without: 18793 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 18794 18795Three be the things I shall never attain: 18796 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 18797 18798Three be the things I shall have till I die: 18799 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 18800 -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory" 18801% 18802Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on 18803tombstones, women and competitors. 18804 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar 18805% 18806Four hours to bury the cat? 18807Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling... 18808% 18809Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue 18810ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. 18811This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. 18812 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn 18813% 18814Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 18815 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 18816 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 18817 18818Corollary: 18819 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except 18820 study for that instructor's course. 18821% 18822Fourth Law of Revision: 18823 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 18824 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one 18825 for you. 18826% 18827Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not 18828almost one, it is damn near zero. 18829 -- David Ellis 18830% 18831Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a 18832policeman's tie. 18833% 18834Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. 18835 -- Rhett Buggler 18836% 18837Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. 18838 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" 18839% 18840Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire. 18841 -- A Yippie proverb 18842% 18843FreeBSD: everything but the fairings 18844% 18845FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today? 18846% 18847FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are? 18848% 18849FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992. 18850 -- Warner Losh 18851% 18852FreeBSD Trivia: 18853 Did you know that successive security officers take 18854control by beheading their predecessor? 18855 -- Robert Watson 18856% 18857Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. 18858% 18859Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 18860% 18861Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. 18862 -- Camus 18863% 18864Freedom is slavery. 18865Ignorance is strength. 18866War is peace. 18867 -- George Orwell 18868% 18869Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one. 18870% 18871Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. 18872 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" 18873% 18874Fremen add life to spice! 18875% 18876Fresco's Discovery: 18877 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 18878% 18879Friction is a drag. 18880% 18881Fried's 1st Rule: 18882 Increased automation of clerical function 18883 invariably results in increased operational costs. 18884% 18885Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 18886 -- Thomas Jones 18887% 18888Friends, n.: 18889 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. 18890 18891 People who know you well, but like you anyway. 18892% 18893Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 18894Let me clue you in; 18895I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. 18896The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 18897The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus 18898Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; 18899If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 18900And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. 18901Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; 18902So are they all, all cool cats, -- 18903Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. 18904% 18905Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority 18906over the other. 18907 -- Honore de Balzac 18908% 18909Frisbeetarianism, n.: 18910 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and 18911 gets stuck. 18912% 18913Frobnicate, v.: 18914 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. 18915Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a 18916frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK 18917sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless 18918manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse 18919search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is 18920turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it 18921he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the 18922screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because 18923turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. 18924% 18925Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: 18926 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to 18927electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to 18928FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and 18929FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. 18930FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure 18931via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be 18932applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. 18933% 18934From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. 18935 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado 18936% 18937From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. 18938That is the point that must be reached. 18939 -- F. Kafka 18940% 18941From a Tru64 patch description: 18942 18943 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error 18944% 18945[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology 18946Association, in Rome]: 18947 18948The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria 18949and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not 18950spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, 18951or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in 18952millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have 18953reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology 18954engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, 18955president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social 18956schizophrenia in mass genocide. 18957% 18958From Italian tourist guide: 18959 18960 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38 18961 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly." 18962% 18963From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. 18964% 18965From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. 18966 -- Bertolt Brecht 18967% 18968From the crystal swirling waters, 18969Of the Rio Amazon, 18970To the sacred halls of Bayonne, 18971Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.) 18972From ev'ry hallowed venue, 18973Ev'ry forest, mount and vale, 18974Your butt is on the menu 18975And the check is in the mail. 18976 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" 18977% 18978From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 18979convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 18980 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" 18981% 18982[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made 18983in Japan]: 18984 18985The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT 18986MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is 18987featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality 18988against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", 18989"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 18990Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile 18991operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. 18992 18993And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help 18994achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by 18995HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. 18996% 18997From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 .......... 18998 18999 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the 19000 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated 19001 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those 19002 volunteers who have worked hard to define international 19003 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards 19004 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and 19005 Italy celebrated on October 18." 19006% 19007From the Pointless Comparison Collection: 19008 19009 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are, 19010 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar 19011 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up 19012 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to 19013 set off the flash bulb on your camera once. 19014 19015 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network 19016 systems program at JPL 19017% 19018From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the 19019instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new 19020experience in sound: 19021 19022 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading 19023 sound is normal for this type of connector. 19024% 19025From too much love of living, 19026From hope and fear set free, 19027We thank with brief thanksgiving, 19028Whatever gods may be, 19029That no life lives forever, 19030That dead men rise up never, 19031That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 19032 -- Swinburne 19033% 19034Fuch's Warning: 19035 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well 19036 enough to travel. 19037% 19038Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 19039 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 19040% 19041Fun experiments: 19042 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. 19043 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... 19044 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount. 19045% 19046Fun Facts, #14: 19047 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how 19048 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won. 19049% 19050Fun Facts, #63: 19051 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. 19052 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the 19053 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in 19054 1510. 19055% 19056Function reject. 19057% 19058Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. 19059% 19060Furbling, v.: 19061 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 19062 even when you are the only person in line. 19063 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 19064% 19065Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 19066 -- H. H. Williams 19067% 19068Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... 19069but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. 19070% 19071Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 19072% 19073Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so. 19074 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 19075% 19076G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One 19077of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his 19078secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 19079`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And 19080that's your chance, my boy." 19081% 19082Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. 19083 -- Joseph Stalin 19084% 19085Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: 19086 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that 19087 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. 19088% 19089Garbage In - Gospel Out. 19090% 19091Garter, n.: 19092 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her 19093 stockings and desolating the country. 19094 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 19095% 19096Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on 19097our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 19098 -- Adventures of Asterix 19099% 19100Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 19101 19102 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound 19103than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 19104 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 19105Obvious, isn't it? 19106 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 19107speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 19108long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 19109your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 19110so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 19111individuals and then grow ... 19112 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 19113signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 19114everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 19115the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 19116backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I 19117think not, my friend, I think not. 19118 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 19119% 19120GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 19121 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for 19122 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch 19123 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good 19124 in it today, either. 19125% 19126GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 19127 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you 19128 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 19129 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 19130 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 19131% 19132Genderplex, n.: 19133 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 19134 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 19135 tortoises). 19136 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 19137% 19138Genealogy, n.: 19139 An account of one's descent from an ancestor 19140 who did not particularly care to trace his own. 19141 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 19142% 19143General notions are generally wrong. 19144 -- Lady M. W. Montagu 19145% 19146Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. 19147 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 19148% 19149Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 19150% 19151Generic Fortune. 19152% 19153Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. 19154% 19155Genetics explains why you look like your father, 19156and if you don't, why you should. 19157% 19158GENIUS: 19159 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right 19160 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying 19161 all the right things to all the right people. 19162% 19163Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can. 19164 -- Owen Meredith 19165% 19166Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. 19167 -- Thomas Alva Edison 19168% 19169Genius is pain. 19170 -- John Lennon 19171% 19172Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. 19173% 19174Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. 19175% 19176Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. 19177 -- Elbert Hubbard 19178% 19179Genius, n.: 19180 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 19181 "bright". 19182% 19183Genlock, n.: 19184 Why he stays in the bottle. 19185% 19186Gentlemen, 19187 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach 19188to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying 19189with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and 19190thence by dispatch to our headquarters. 19191 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all 19192manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. 19193I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. 19194Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable 19195exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. 19196 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted 19197for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous 19198confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry 19199regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness 19200may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a 19201fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. 19202 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of 19203my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand 19204why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it 19205must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either 19206one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 19207 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit 19208of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: 19209 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. 19210 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, 19211 London, 1812 19212% 19213Gentlemen do not read each other's mail. 19214 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down 19215 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National 19216 Security Agency. 19217% 19218Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's 19219old girl friend. 19220% 19221George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of 19222his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: 19223 "Bring a friend, if you have one." 19224 19225Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he 19226had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: 19227 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." 19228% 19229George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. 19230 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 19231% 19232George Orwell was an optimist. 19233% 19234George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 19235have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 19236 -- Ashley Cooper 19237% 19238George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let 19239me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. 19240 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." 19241 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet 19242and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address. 19243No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog. 19244George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at 19245the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff." 19246Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home. 19247 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George 19248yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?" 19249 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're 19250gonna get on Labor Day." 19251% 19252(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only 19253one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, 19254"And he didn't understand me." 19255% 19256Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 19257 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 19258 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 19259 3) The energy required to change either one of these states 19260 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 19261 much as to make the task totally impossible. 19262% 19263Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 19264% 19265Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. 19266 -- Dylan Thomas 19267% 19268Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! 19269% 19270Getting into trouble is easy. 19271 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser 19272% 19273Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked 19274out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. 19275 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out 19276 of the American Bar Association 19277% 19278Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 19279 19280Corollary: 19281 Following the rules will not get the job done. 19282% 19283Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back. 19284% 19285Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): 19286 19287'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la) 19288Snatch them from their little housies (...) 19289First we chase them 'round the field (...) 19290Then we have them for a meal (...) 19291 19292Toss them here and catch them there (...) 19293See them flying through the air (...) 19294Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...) 19295Falling mice have great appeal (...) 19296 19297See the hunter stretched before us (...) 19298He's chased the mice in field and forest (...) 19299Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...) 19300Of the blood of little critters (...) 19301% 19302Gilbert's Discovery: 19303 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces 19304 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. 19305% 19306Gil-galad was an Elven-King 19307of him the harpers sadly sing; 19308the last whose realm was fair and free 19309between the Mountains and the Sea. 19310 19311His sword was long, his lance was keen, 19312his shining helm afar was seen; 19313the countless stars of heaven's field 19314were mirrored in his silver shield. 19315 19316But long ago he rode away, 19317and where he dwelleth none can say; 19318for into darkness fell his star 19319in Mordor where the shadows are. 19320% 19321Ginger Snap 19322% 19323Ginsberg's Theorem: 19324 1. You can't win. 19325 2. You can't break even. 19326 3. You can't even quit the game. 19327 19328Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 19329 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 19330 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 19331 Theorem. To wit: 19332 19333 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 19334 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 19335 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 19336% 19337Ginsburg's Law: 19338 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your 19339 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. 19340% 19341GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. 19342% 19343Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, 19344and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 19345% 19346Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. 19347Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. 19348 -- Calvin Keegan 19349% 19350Give a small boy a hammer and he will find 19351that everything he encounters needs pounding. 19352% 19353Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. 19354% 19355Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down 19356that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". 19357% 19358Give him an evasive answer. 19359% 19360Give me a fish and I will eat today. 19361Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. 19362% 19363Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh 19364dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. 19365% 19366Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. 19367% 19368Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. 19369 -- St. Augustine 19370% 19371Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. 19372 -- Napoleon 19373% 19374Give me libertines or give me meth. 19375% 19376Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, 19377Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! 19378But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, 19379Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. 19380 -- George Canning 19381% 19382Give me your students, your secretaries, 19383Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, 19384The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. 19385Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. 19386I lift my disk beside the processor. 19387 -- Inscription on a Word Processor 19388% 19389Give thought to your reputation. 19390Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. 19391% 19392GIVE UP!!!! 19393% 19394Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 19395% 19396Give your very best today. 19397Heaven knows it's little enough. 19398% 19399Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. 19400 -- William Faulkner 19401% 19402Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the 19403Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. 19404 -- John Gilmore 19405% 19406Given my druthers, I'd druther not. 19407% 19408Given sufficient time, what you put 19409off doing today will get done by itself. 19410% 19411Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd 19412rather lie around. No contest. 19413 -- Eric Clapton 19414% 19415Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and 19416car keys to teenage boys. 19417 -- P. J. O'Rourke 19418% 19419Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages 19420whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits 19421LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 19422 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 19423% 19424Gleemites, n.: 19425 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. 19426 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 19427% 19428Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 19429 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 19430 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting 19431 some useful work done. 19432% 19433Gloffing is a state of mine. 19434% 19435Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): 19436 fifth of dry red wine 19437 fifth of Aquavit 19438 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon 19439 10 cardamom seeds 19440 1 cup raisins 19441 4 dried figs 19442 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds 19443 a few pieces of dried orange peel 19444 5 cloves 19445 1/2 lb. sugar cubes 19446 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine 19447for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT 19448the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire 19449strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. 19450Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve 19451hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. 19452 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only 19453if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish 19454extraction. 19455% 19456Gnagloot, n.: 19457 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to 19458 impress people. 19459 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 19460% 19461Go ahead, make my day. 19462 -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan 19463% 19464Go away, I'm all right. 19465 -- H. G. Wells' last words 19466% 19467Go away! Stop bothering me with all your 19468"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. 19469 19470logout 19471% 19472Go climb a gravity well. 19473% 19474Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. 19475% 19476Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. 19477 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 19478% 19479Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. 19480 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides 19481% 19482Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may 19483be in owning a piece thereof. 19484 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 19485% 19486Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, 19487but quickly to their misfortunes. 19488 -- Chilo 19489% 19490Go to a movie tonight. 19491Darkness becomes you. 19492% 19493Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to 19494all your troubles. 19495 -- Andrew Jackson 19496 19497The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the 19498teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith 19499in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country. 19500 -- Calvin Coolidge 19501 19502Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and 19503religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted 19504on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be 19505secure which is not supported by moral habits. 19506 -- Daniel Webster 19507% 19508Go 'way! You're bothering me! 19509% 19510Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... 19511 -- Wally Shawn 19512% 19513GOD: 19514 Darwin's chief rival. 19515% 19516God created a few perfect heads. 19517The rest he covered with hair. 19518% 19519God created woman. 19520And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- 19521but many other things ceased as well. 19522Woman was God's second mistake. 19523 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 19524% 19525God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six 19526days and then pulled an all-nighter. 19527% 19528God gave man two ears and one tongue so 19529that we listen twice as much as we speak. 19530 -- Arab proverb 19531% 19532"God gives burdens; also shoulders." 19533 19534Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the 19535end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I 19536can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why 19537would he lie about a thing like that? 19538 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 19539% 19540God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to 19541change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. 19542% 19543God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... 19544The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do 19545not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... 19546not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking 19547and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is 19548not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the 19549morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! 19550 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 19551% 19552God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more 19553that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. 19554 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect 19555% 19556God help those who do not help themselves. 19557 -- Wilson Mizner 19558% 19559God helps them that helps themselves. 19560 -- Benjamin Franklin 19561% 19562God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! 19563% 19564God instructs the heart, not by ideas, 19565but by pains and contradictions. 19566 -- De Caussade 19567% 19568God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 19569% 19570God is Dead. 19571 -- Nietzsche 19572Nietzsche is Dead. 19573 -- God 19574Nietzsche is God. 19575 -- The Dead 19576% 19577God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... 19578 -- Ralph Moonen 19579% 19580God is love, but get it in writing. 19581 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 19582% 19583God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a 19584much less ambitious project. 19585% 19586God is real, unless declared integer. 19587% 19588God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 19589elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 19590other things. 19591 -- Pablo Picasso 19592% 19593God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 19594 -- Alfred Jarry 19595% 19596God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. 19597% 19598God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. 19599 -- Paul Valery 19600% 19601God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 19602% 19603God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 19604 -- Kronecker 19605% 19606God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. 19607 -- Albert Einstein 19608% 19609God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. 19610% 19611God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. 19612% 19613God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, 19614Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. 19615The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 19616Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true. 19617The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get 19618Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2. 19619(chorus) (chorus) 19620 19621We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you, 19622They'll send without delay The network's also dead, 19623A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on 19624It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead. 19625The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks. 19626We'll bury them today. And only cards are read. 19627(chorus) (chorus) 19628 19629And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 19630Before we go away, Comfort and joy, 19631We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 19632Won't ruin your whole day. 19633You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. 19634(chorus) 19635 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen 19636% 19637God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, 19638and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. 19639 -- William Bragg 19640% 19641God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. 19642% 19643God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle. 19644% 19645God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects 19646to receive it. 19647 -- Austin O'Malley 19648% 19649God votes Republican. 19650% 19651God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. 19652 -- Samuel Butler 19653% 19654Goda's Truism: 19655 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, 19656 somebody moves the ends. 19657% 19658Going the speed of light is bad for your age. 19659% 19660Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school 19661make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. 19662% 19663Gold, n.: 19664 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 19665 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich 19666 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, 19667 although gold hasn't done anything to them. 19668 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 19669% 19670Goldenstern's Rules: 19671 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 19672 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. 19673% 19674Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops 19675eating before he bursts. 19676% 19677Gold's Law: 19678 If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 19679% 19680Gomme's Laws: 19681 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. 19682 (2) Time accelerates. 19683 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. 19684% 19685Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) 19686 -- by Margaret Mitchell 19687 19688 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. 19689 19690Gift of the Magii LITE(tm) 19691 -- by O. Henry 19692 19693 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. 19694 19695The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) 19696 -- by Ernest Hemingway 19697 19698 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck. 19699 19700Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) 19701 -- by Anne Frank 19702 19703 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. 19704% 19705Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. 19706% 19707Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 19708% 19709Good day for business affairs. 19710Make a pass at that the new file clerk. 19711% 19712Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 19713% 19714Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 19715% 19716Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. 19717% 19718Good day to deal with people in high places; 19719particularly lonely stewardesses. 19720% 19721Good day to let down old friends who need help. 19722% 19723Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational 19724at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred 19725ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a 19726song. If you would like, I could sing it for you. 19727% 19728Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. 19729% 19730Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of 19731those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the 19732will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of 19733government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. 19734 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" 19735% 19736"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. 19737% 19738Good judgment comes from experience. 19739Experience comes from bad judgment. 19740 -- Jim Horning 19741% 19742Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 19743% 19744Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're 19745giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely 19746at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. 19747% 19748Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 19749% 19750Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. 19751% 19752Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 19753% 19754Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! 19755% 19756Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. 19757% 19758Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 19759new lover. 19760% 19761Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. 19762 -- R. E. Schenk 19763% 19764Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. 19765 -- Gail Godwin 19766% 19767Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 19768 -- George Saunders' dying words 19769% 19770Goodbye, cool world. 19771% 19772Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with 19773tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human 19774misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known 19775that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to 19776my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised 19777my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the 19778holy words, "Heil Hitler!" 19779 -- George Lincoln Rockwell 19780% 19781Gordon's first law: 19782 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing 19783 well. 19784% 19785Gordon's Law: 19786 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. 19787% 19788Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with 19789time travel, you never can tell. 19790 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Androids of Tara" 19791% 19792Gossip, n.: 19793 Hearing something you like about someone you don't. 19794 -- Earl Wilson 19795% 19796//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 19797% 19798Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? 19799Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": 19800 19801 1-800-AUDITME 19802% 19803Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. 19804% 19805Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, 19806I went out for a ride and never came back. 19807Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, 19808I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. 19809 19810 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 19811 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 19812 Lay down your money and you play your part, 19813 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 19814 19815I met her in a Kingstown bar, 19816We fell in love, I knew it had to end. 19817We took what we had and we ripped it apart, 19818Now here I am down in Kingstown again. 19819 19820Everybody needs a place to rest, 19821Everybody wants to have a home. 19822Don't make no difference what nobody says, 19823Ain't nobody likes to be alone. 19824 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" 19825% 19826Got Mole problems? 19827Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. 19828% 19829Goto, n.: 19830 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers 19831 to complain about unstructured programmers. 19832 -- Ray Simard 19833% 19834Gourmet, n.: 19835 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or 19836 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're 19837 leaving the best part. 19838% 19839Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. 19840 -- Lao Tsu 19841% 19842Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. 19843 -- John Updike, "Couples" 19844% 19845Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are 19846different lies. 19847% 19848Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any 19849more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't 19850know much. 19851 -- The Best of Will Rogers 19852% 19853Government's Law: 19854 There is an exception to all laws. 19855% 19856Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's 19857leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on 19858board. 19859 -- Princess Leia Organa 19860% 19861Grabel's Law: 19862 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 19863% 19864Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 19865% 19866Graduate students and most professors are 19867no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. 19868% 19869Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke 19870he exclaimed: 19871 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, 19872 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" 19873 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 19874% 19875Grandpa Charnock's Law: 19876 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 19877 19878 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] 19879% 19880Graphics blind the eyes. 19881Audio files deafen the ear. 19882Mouse clicks numb the fingers. 19883Heuristics weaken the mind. 19884Options wither the heart. 19885 19886The Guru observes the net 19887but trusts his inner vision. 19888He allows things to come and go. 19889His heart is as open as the ether. 19890% 19891GRASSHOPPOTAMUS: 19892 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. 19893% 19894Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. 19895 -- Joseph Alsop 19896% 19897GRAVITY: 19898 What you get when you eat too much and too fast. 19899% 19900Gravity brings me down. 19901% 19902Gray's Law of Programming: 19903 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be 19904 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. 19905 19906Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 19907 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks. 19908% 19909Great acts are made up of small deeds. 19910 -- Lao Tsu 19911% 19912Great American Axiom: 19913 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. 19914% 19915Great minds run in great circles. 19916% 19917GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): 19918 19919On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his 19920place of residence. 19921% 19922GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 19923 19924Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. 19925% 19926GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 19927 19928Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup. 19929% 19930Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. 19931 -- Albert Einstein 19932 19933They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they 19934also laughed at Bozo the Clown. 19935 -- Carl Sagan 19936% 19937Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. 19938% 19939Green light in A.M. for new projects. 19940Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 19941% 19942Greener's Law: 19943 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 19944% 19945Green's Law of Debate: 19946Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. 19947% 19948Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming: 19949 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains 19950 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation 19951 of half of Common Lisp. 19952% 19953Grelb's Reminder: 19954 Eighty percent of all people consider 19955 themselves to be above average drivers. 19956% 19957grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. 19958% 19959Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full 19960value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. 19961 -- Mark Twain 19962% 19963Griffin's Thought: 19964 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. 19965% 19966Grig (the navigator): 19967 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space 19968 armada. 19969Alex (the gunner): 19970 What?!? 19971Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against 19972 overwhelming odds. 19973Alex: It'll be a slaughter! 19974Grig: That's the spirit! 19975 -- The Last Starfighter 19976% 19977Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: 19978 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. 19979% 19980Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the 19981groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide. 19982 -- Johnny Carson 19983% 19984Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. 19985 -- Maurice Chevalier 19986% 19987Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good 19988reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional 19989concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere, 19990disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without 19991any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced 19992meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like 19993Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the 19994adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively 19995authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public 19996television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular 19997sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by 19998combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the 19999universe while straddling a giant worm. 20000 -- Arnold Klein 20001% 20002Grub first, then ethics. 20003 -- Bertolt Brecht 20004% 20005GUILLOTINE: 20006 A French chopping center. 20007% 20008Gumperson's Law: 20009 The probability of a given event 20010 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. 20011% 20012Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. 20013% 20014Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: 20015 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, 20016 the aircraft will encounter turbulence. 20017 (2) The strength of the turbulence 20018 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. 20019% 20020Gurmlish, n.: 20021 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents 20022 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. 20023 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 20024% 20025GURU: 20026 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with 20027 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the 20028 phone call you are about to receive from your boss. 20029% 20030Guru, n.: 20031 A computer owner who can read the manual. 20032% 20033Gyroscope, n.: 20034 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 20035free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each 20036other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two 20037mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the 20038other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus 20039offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any 20040torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. 20041 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 20042% 20043H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, 20044 Slice him up before he slays you. 20045 Nothing makes you look a slob 20046 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). 20047 -- The Roguelet's ABC 20048% 20049H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. 20050Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 20051 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 20052% 20053H. L. Mencken's Law: 20054 Those who can -- do. 20055 Those who can't -- teach. 20056 20057Martin's Extension: 20058 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 20059 20060 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] 20061% 20062Hacker, n.: 20063 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate 20064things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical 20065philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack." 20066 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body 20067of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in 20068a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, 20069and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: 20070 20071 Hacker's Fight Song 20072 20073 He's a Hack! He's a Hack! 20074 He's a guy with the happy knack! 20075 Never bungles, never shirks, 20076 Always gets his stuff to work! 20077 20078All take a drink (important!) 20079% 20080Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers. 20081% 20082Hacker's Guide To Cooking: 200832 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't 20084 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) 200851 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty 20086 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) 200871/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) 200888 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you 20089 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) 20090"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to 20091 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through 20092 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy 20093 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric 20094 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off 20095 the ceiling(3m). 20096"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You 20097 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? 20098 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent 20099 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. 20100"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge 20101 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and 20102 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. 20103% 20104Hacker's Law: 20105 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 20106 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 20107% 20108Hackers of the world, unite! 20109% 20110Hacker's Quicky #313: 20111 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips 20112 Microwave Egg Roll 20113 Chocolate Milk 20114% 20115Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 20116% 20117Had he and I but met 20118By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, 20119We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, 20120Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, 20121 And killed him in his place. 20122I shot him dead because -- 20123Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, 20124Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I -- 20125That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps 20126 No other reason why. 20127Yes; quaint and curious war is! 20128You shoot a fellow down 20129You'd treat, if met where any bar is 20130Or help to half-a-crown. 20131 -- Thomas Hardy 20132% 20133Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some 20134useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. 20135 -- Alfonso the Wise 20136 20137 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 20138 referring to operating system initialization.] 20139% 20140Had this been an actual emergency, we would have 20141fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. 20142% 20143Hail to the sun god 20144He's such a fun god 20145Ra! Ra! Ra! 20146% 20147Hailing frequencies open, Captain. 20148% 20149Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that 20150a big enough majority in any town? 20151 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 20152% 20153Hale Mail Rule, The: 20154 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least 20155 one of the following: 20156 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. 20157 (b) Stationery. 20158 (c) Postage stamp. 20159 (d) The letter you are answering. 20160% 20161Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. 20162But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? 20163But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, 20164When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? 20165% 20166Half Moon tonight. (At least it is better than no Moon at all.) 20167% 20168Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 20169% 20170Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, 20171and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. 20172% 20173Half-done, n.: 20174 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, 20175 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this 20176 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the 20177 difference between life and death. 20178 20179 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there 20180 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, 20181 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, 20182 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 20183 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 20184 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 20185 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 20186 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 20187% 20188Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. 20189% 20190Hall's Laws of Politics: 20191 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 20192 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want 20193 something fixed. 20194 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 20195 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 20196 their own districts). 20197% 20198Hand, n.: 20199 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and 20200 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 20201 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 20202% 20203Handel's Proverb: 20204 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! 20205% 20206Handshaking protocol, n.: 20207 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a 20208 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by 20209 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. 20210% 20211Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. 20212 -- Pink Floyd 20213% 20214Hangover, n.: 20215 The wrath of grapes. 20216% 20217Hanlon's Razor: 20218 Never attribute to malice 20219 that which is adequately explained by stupidity. 20220% 20221Hanson's Treatment of Time: 20222 There are never enough hours in a day, 20223 but always too many days before Saturday. 20224% 20225Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. 20226% 20227Happiness is a hard disk. 20228% 20229Happiness is a positive cash flow. 20230% 20231Happiness is good health and a bad memory. 20232 -- Ingrid Bergman 20233% 20234Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 20235 -- Ogden Nash 20236% 20237Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. 20238% 20239Happiness is the greatest good. 20240% 20241Happiness is twin floppies. 20242% 20243Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. 20244% 20245Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 20246 -- Oscar Levant 20247% 20248Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. 20249% 20250Happiness, n.: 20251 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 20252 another. 20253 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 20254% 20255Happiness, n.: 20256 Finding the owner of a lost bikini. 20257% 20258Happy feast of the pig! 20259% 20260Happy is the child whose father died rich. 20261% 20262Hard, adj.: 20263 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those 20264 of other people. 20265% 20266Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. 20267 -- Daniel Dennett 20268% 20269Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? 20270% 20271Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? 20272 -- Charlie McCarthy 20273% 20274Hardware, n.: 20275 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 20276% 20277Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 20278The Duke is fond of kittens 20279He likes to take their insides out 20280And use them for his mittens 20281 -- "The 13 Clocks" 20282% 20283Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 20284Advertising wondrous things. 20285 -- Tom Lehrer 20286% 20287Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand 20288convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. 20289 -- Tobias Smollet 20290% 20291Harp not on that string. 20292 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 20293% 20294Harriet's Dining Observation: 20295 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats 20296 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. 20297% 20298Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George 20299and I were waiting with our plates ready. 20300 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help 20301the gravy with." 20302 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to 20303reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round 20304again, Harris and the pie were gone! 20305 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for 20306hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were 20307on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. 20308 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. 20309 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried. 20310 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George. 20311 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly 20312theory. 20313 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending 20314to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." 20315 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he 20316hadn't been carving that pie." 20317 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" 20318% 20319Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 20320 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of 20321 equipment ruined. 20322% 20323Harrison's Postulate: 20324For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 20325% 20326Harris's Lament: 20327 All the good ones are taken. 20328% 20329Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as 20330always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that 20331required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There 20332were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50 20333feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit 20334a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the 20335pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral 20336procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club, 20337took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as 20338the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball 20339again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did, 20340waiting for the funeral to pass like that." 20341 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It 20342was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I 20343could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, 20344you know." 20345% 20346Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he 20347makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean 20348famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses 20349probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you 20350have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like 20351enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their 20352attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock 20353down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, 20354just like Richard Nixon." 20355 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" 20356% 20357Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with 20358milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the 20359sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do 20360with all that pep and vitality. 20361% 20362Hartley's First Law: 20363 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 20364 get him to float on his back, you've got something. 20365% 20366Hartley's Second Law: 20367 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 20368 20369My corollary: 20370 The completely psychotic have all the fun. 20371% 20372Harvard Law: 20373 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 20374 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the 20375 organism will do as it damn well pleases. 20376% 20377HARVARD: 20378Quarterback: 20379 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with 20380a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski 20381has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed 20382has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. 20383Wide Receiver: 20384 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior 20385Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being 20386fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five 20387or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you 20388asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of 20389those times. 20390YALE: 20391Defense: 20392 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. 20393Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron 20394Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to 20395the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds 20396out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening 20397coin toss. 20398 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game 20399% 20400Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? 20401% 20402Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed 20403with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard 20404was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. 20405It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, 20406but a lot harder than it appears. 20407% 20408Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it 20409appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, 20410and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us 20411not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its 20412incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. 20413 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 20414% 20415Haste makes waste. 20416 -- John Heywood 20417% 20418Hatcheck girl: 20419 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!" 20420Mae West: 20421 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie." 20422 -- "Night After Night", 1932 20423% 20424Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is 20425stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured. 20426% 20427Hate the sin and love the sinner. 20428 -- Mahatma Gandhi 20429% 20430Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, 20431unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. 20432 -- Mike Royko 20433% 20434Hatred, n.: 20435 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 20436 superiority. 20437 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 20438% 20439Have a coke and a smile! 20440 -- John DeLorean 20441% 20442Have a nice day! 20443% 20444Have a nice diurnal anomaly. 20445% 20446Have a place for everything and keep the thing 20447somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. 20448 -- Mark Twain 20449% 20450Have a taco. 20451 -- P. S. Beagle 20452% 20453Have an adequate day. 20454% 20455Have at you! 20456% 20457Have no friends not equal to yourself. 20458 -- Confucius 20459% 20460Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is 20461to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 20462non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 20463 20464Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 20465still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or 20466only serves to blunt the warning signs. 20467 20468 Long live the revolution! 20469 Have a nice day. 20470% 20471Have the courage to take your own thoughts 20472seriously, for they will shape you. 20473 -- Albert Einstein 20474% 20475Have you ever felt like a wounded cow 20476halfway between an oven and a pasture? 20477walking in a trance toward a pregnant 20478 seventeen-year-old housewife's 20479 two-day-old cookbook? 20480 -- Richard Brautigan 20481% 20482Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? 20483 20484Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me, 20485she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and 20486whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. 20487So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to 20488remain so. 20489 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" 20490% 20491Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying 20492to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play' 20493never find the time for play? 20494% 20495Have you flogged your kid today? 20496% 20497Have you locked your file cabinet? 20498% 20499Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, 20500vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? 20501% 20502Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline 20503sharply the minute they start waving guns around? 20504 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 20505% 20506Have you reconsidered a computer career? 20507% 20508Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can 20509photograph an American with his mouth shut! 20510% 20511Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, 20512Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? 20513In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side 20514Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. 20515 20516How can you tell me you're lonely, 20517And say for you the sun don't shine? 20518Let me take you by the hand 20519Lead you through the streets of London 20520I'll show you something to make you change your mind... 20521 20522Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission 20523Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. 20524In our winter city the rain cries a little pity 20525For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care... 20526% 20527Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue? 20528On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air, 20529High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars, 20530Spending every dime, for a wonderful time... 20531If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 20532Why don't you go where fashion sits, 20533... 20534Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, 20535Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper) 20536Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks, 20537Or umbrellas, in their mitts, 20538Puttin' on the Ritz. 20539... 20540If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 20541Why don't you go where fashion sits, 20542Puttin' on the Ritz. 20543Puttin' on the Ritz. 20544Puttin' on the Ritz. 20545Puttin' on the Ritz. 20546% 20547Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin 20548in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, 20549then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and 20550eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, 20551blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After 20552the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. 20553 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" 20554% 20555Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. 20556% 20557Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. 20558 -- Martin Mull 20559% 20560Having no talent is no longer enough. 20561 -- Gore Vidal 20562% 20563Having nothing, nothing can he lose. 20564 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 20565% 20566Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. 20567 -- Socrates 20568% 20569Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly 20570relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with 20571the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. 20572 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big 20573dog, too!" 20574% 20575Hawkeye's Conclusion: 20576 It's not easy to play the clown 20577 when you've got to run the whole circus. 20578% 20579He: Do you like Kipling? 20580She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled! 20581% 20582He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?" 20583She: "What do you want me to yell?" 20584 -- Benny Hill 20585% 20586HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 20587SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. 20588 -- Walt Kelley 20589% 20590He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. 20591 -- Steven Wright 20592% 20593He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental 20594effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable 20595perversion. 20596 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" 20597% 20598He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all 20599the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." 20600 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 20601% 20602He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. 20603 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 20604% 20605He draweth out the thread of his verbosity 20606finer than the staple of his argument. 20607 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 20608% 20609He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions. 20610 -- Stephen Leacock 20611% 20612He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 20613% 20614He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 20615perfectly delightful. 20616 -- Sydney Smith 20617% 20618He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild 20619and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned 20620all hope of ever behaving "normally." 20621 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 20622% 20623He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 20624 -- Oscar Wilde 20625% 20626He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, 20627Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". 20628 -- Stig's Inferno 20629% 20630He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. 20631 -- Bion 20632% 20633He hath eaten me out of house and home. 20634 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 20635% 20636He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle 20637of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he 20638said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..." 20639 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West" 20640% 20641He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. 20642 -- John LeCarre 20643% 20644He is considered a most graceful speaker 20645who can say nothing in the most words. 20646% 20647He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. 20648% 20649He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. 20650 -- Samuel Johnson 20651% 20652He is now rising from affluence to poverty. 20653 -- Mark Twain 20654% 20655He is the best of men who dislikes power. 20656 -- Mohammed 20657% 20658He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. 20659% 20660He jests at scars who never felt a wound. 20661 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" 20662% 20663He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. 20664% 20665He knew the tavernes well in every toun. 20666 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 20667% 20668He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. 20669 -- Sir Richard Burton 20670% 20671He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, 20672once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. 20673% 20674He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. 20675 -- Ring Lardner 20676% 20677He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. 20678 -- Andrew Lang 20679% 20680He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain 20681had fallen to the ground. 20682 -- The Book of Serenity 20683% 20684(He opens a tolm and begins.) 20685 20686 It says: "In the beginning was the Word." 20687 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd. 20688 The Word does not deserve the highest prize, 20689 I must translate it otherwise. 20690 If I am well inspired and not blind. 20691 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind." 20692 Ponder that first line, wait and see, 20693 Lest you should write too hastily. 20694 Is the Mind the all-creating source? 20695 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force." 20696 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen, 20697 That my translation must be changed again. 20698 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact. 20699 I write: "In the beginning was the Act." 20700 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" 20701% 20702[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace. 20703 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear 20704 20705My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. 20706 -- Peter Stack, movie review 20707 20708His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. 20709 -- John Stark, movie review 20710% 20711He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 20712 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 20713% 20714He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, 20715And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. 20716 -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband 20717% 20718He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. 20719 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 20720% 20721He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. 20722 -- Scottish proverb 20723% 20724He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. 20725 -- Benjamin Franklin 20726% 20727He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. 20728 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 20729% 20730He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. 20731 -- Benjamin Franklin 20732% 20733He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. 20734% 20735He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. 20736 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 20737% 20738He thought he saw an albatross 20739That fluttered 'round the lamp. 20740He looked again and saw it was 20741A penny postage stamp. 20742"You'd best be getting home," he said, 20743"The nights are rather damp." 20744% 20745He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than 20746three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. 20747In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by 20748slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply, 20749the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'." 20750 -- Eric Van Lustbader 20751% 20752[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had 20753a complete set. 20754 -- Ring Lardner 20755% 20756He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. 20757% 20758He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he 20759made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she 20760disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to 20761dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he 20762told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." 20763 -- Jack Handey 20764% 20765He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. 20766 -- Jonathan Swift 20767% 20768He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him 20769insufferable. 20770% 20771He was part of my dream, of course -- 20772but then I was part of his dream too. 20773 -- Lewis Carroll, 20774 "Through the Looking-Glass, 20775 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 20776% 20777He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. 20778% 20779He was the sort of person whose personality 20780would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. 20781% 20782He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. 20783% 20784He who attacks the fundamentals of the American 20785broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. 20786 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 20787% 20788He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens! 20789 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 20790% 20791He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for 20792the human condition is a fool. 20793 -- Albert Camus 20794% 20795He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. 20796 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 20797% 20798He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. 20799 -- Honore de Balzac 20800% 20801He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. 20802 -- Sinbad 20803% 20804He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. 20805% 20806He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. 20807% 20808He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. 20809% 20810He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet. 20811% 20812He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. 20813% 20814He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much 20815a master of the world as he who is ready to die. 20816 -- Giacomo Leopardi 20817% 20818He who hates vices hates mankind. 20819% 20820He who hesitates is a damned fool. 20821 -- Mae West 20822% 20823He who hesitates is last. 20824% 20825He who hesitates is sometimes saved. 20826% 20827He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. 20828% 20829He who invents adages for others to peruse 20830takes along rowboat when going on cruise. 20831% 20832He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. 20833% 20834He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. 20835% 20836He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. 20837% 20838He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't 20839encounter many rivals. 20840 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms" 20841% 20842He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the 20843night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his 20844senses until the day of judgment. 20845 -- Saadi 20846% 20847He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon. 20848% 20849He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. 20850 -- Lao Tsu 20851% 20852He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. 20853He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. 20854He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. 20855% 20856He who knows nothing, knows nothing. 20857But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. 20858And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, 20859 he knows something. Or something like that. 20860% 20861He who knows others is wise. 20862He who knows himself is enlightened. 20863 -- Lao Tsu 20864% 20865He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. 20866 -- Lao Tsu 20867% 20868He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. 20869 -- Bertolt Brecht 20870% 20871He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. 20872% 20873He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth. 20874% 20875He who laughs last is probably your boss. 20876% 20877He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. 20878% 20879He who laughs, lasts. 20880% 20881He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. 20882% 20883He who loses, wins the race, 20884And parallel lines meet in space. 20885 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth" 20886% 20887He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. 20888 -- Dr. Johnson 20889% 20890He who minds his own business is never unemployed. 20891% 20892He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will 20893be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. 20894 -- Sir Richard Burton 20895% 20896He who slings mud generally loses ground. 20897 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 20898% 20899He who slings mud loses ground. 20900 -- Chinese proverb 20901% 20902He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. 20903% 20904He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. 20905% 20906He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. 20907 -- Sinbad 20908% 20909He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. 20910 -- M. C. Escher 20911% 20912He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion 20913on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general 20914education and culture. 20915 -- Julia Norton McCorkle 20916% 20917HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! 20918Details at 11. 20919% 20920Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 20921% 20922Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, 20923lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 20924 -- Redd Foxx 20925% 20926Hear about... 20927 the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? 20928 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. 20929% 20930Hear about... 20931 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she 20932 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? 20933% 20934Hear about... 20935 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and 20936 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended 20937 up a chopped libber? 20938% 20939Hear about... 20940 the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because 20941 he wanted to transcend dental medication? 20942% 20943Hear about... 20944 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings 20945 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This 20946 Space"? 20947% 20948Hear about... 20949 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated 20950 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the 20951 typewriter's ribbon? 20952% 20953Hear about... 20954 the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? 20955 One fortunate cookie... 20956% 20957Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. 20958From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. 20959 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce 20960% 20961Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several 20962Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. 20963% 20964Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. 20965 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" 20966% 20967Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, 20968on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. 20969 -- Dr. John Lightfoot, 20970 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University 20971% 20972Heaven, n.: 20973 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 20974 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention 20975 while you expound your own. 20976 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 20977% 20978Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. 20979 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 20980% 20981Heavy, adj.: 20982 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 20983% 20984Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! 20985% 20986Heisenberg may have been here. 20987% 20988Heisenberg may have slept here. 20989% 20990Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 20991 -- Milton Friedman 20992% 20993Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, 20994for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. 20995 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" 20996% 20997Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, 20998how are they supposed to know you care? 20999% 21000Hell is empty and all the devils are here. 21001 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest" 21002% 21003Hell, n.: 21004 Truth seen too late. 21005% 21006Heller's Law: 21007 The first myth of management is that it exists. 21008 21009Johnson's Corollary: 21010 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 21011 organization. 21012% 21013Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you 21014please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. 21015Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 21016% 21017Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a 21018date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? 21019And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so 21020you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right 21021smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you 21022don't hear your girl screaming any more? 21023 21024 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! 21025 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! 21026 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! 21027% 21028"Hello," he lied. 21029 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent 21030% 21031Hell's broken loose. 21032 -- Robert Greene 21033% 21034Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! 21035% 21036HELP! Man trapped in a human body! 21037% 21038HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 21039 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 21040% 21041Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 21042% 21043Help fight continental drift. 21044% 21045HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune! 21046% 21047Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! 21048% 21049Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! 21050% 21051Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! 21052% 21053Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without 21054getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering 21055her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or 21056regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make 21057them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging 21058them, without any power of engaging their respect. 21059 -- J. Austen 21060% 21061Her locks an ancient lady gave 21062Her loving husband's life to save; 21063And men -- they honored so the dame -- 21064Upon some stars bestowed her name. 21065 21066But to our modern married fair, 21067Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 21068No stellar recognition's given. 21069There are not stars enough in heaven. 21070% 21071Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; 21072from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth... 21073% 21074Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. 21075% 21076Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be 21077I've been caught inside this trap too many times 21078I must've walked these steps and said these words a 21079 thousand times before 21080It seems like I know everybody's lines. 21081 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?" 21082% 21083Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when 21084I grow up. 21085 -- Peter Drucker 21086% 21087Here I sit, broken-hearted, 21088All logged in, but work unstarted. 21089First net.this and net.that, 21090And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 21091 21092The boss comes by, and I play the game, 21093Then I turn back to net.flame. 21094Is there a cure (I need your views), 21095For someone trapped in net.news? 21096 21097I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 21098'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 21099% 21100Here in my heart, I am Helen; 21101 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 21102I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; 21103 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 21104 21105Here in my soul I am Sappho; 21106 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 21107In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 21108 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. 21109 21110I'm all of the glamorous ladies 21111 At whose beckoning history shook. 21112But you are a man, and see only my pan, 21113 So I stay at home with a book. 21114 -- Dorothy Parker 21115% 21116Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 21117lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach 21118your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. 21119Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in 21120pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, 21121but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an 21122important electrical lesson. 21123 21124It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 21125your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small 21126objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will 21127attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and 21128collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your 21129friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the 21130carpet, thus completing the circuit. 21131 21132Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without 21133touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your 21134finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you 21135have carpeting. 21136 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 21137% 21138Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: 21139if you're alive, it isn't. 21140% 21141Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According 21142to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe 21143marketing anxiety in China. 21144 21145The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the 21146inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". 21147 21148Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 21149 21150The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get 21151a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax 21152tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad 21153satiric vistas do not open up. 21154 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 21155% 21156HERE LIES LESTER MOORE 21157SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 21158NO LES 21159NO MOORE 21160 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ 21161% 21162Here lies my wife: her let her lie! 21163Now she's at rest, and so am I. 21164 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife 21165% 21166Here there by tygers. 21167% 21168HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in 21169the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms 21170around as if you're going to fall. 21171 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 21172% 21173Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 21174`Psychic Wins Lottery.' 21175 -- Jay Leno 21176% 21177Herth's Law: 21178 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. 21179% 21180He's been like a father to me, 21181He's the only DJ you can get after three, 21182I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band, 21183And why he don't like me I don't understand. 21184 -- The Byrds 21185% 21186He's dead, Jim. 21187% 21188He's got the heart of a little child, 21189and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. 21190% 21191He's just a politician trying to save both his faces... 21192% 21193He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. 21194% 21195He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of 21196his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. 21197 -- Phil Lapsley 21198% 21199He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd 21200be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 21201% 21202He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is. 21203% 21204Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. 21205If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. 21206% 21207Hewett's Observation: 21208 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or 21209 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of 21210 peers similarly engaged. 21211% 21212Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl 21213To get a little more stack; 21214If that's not enough then you lose it all 21215And have to pop all the way back. 21216% 21217Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were 21218gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number? 21219% 21220HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 21221 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to 21222 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because 21223 these words were spoken. 21224% 21225Hey, what do you expect from a culture that 21226*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? 21227 -- Gallagher 21228% 21229Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother 21230Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants. 21231% 21232Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and 21233the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please 21234leave your name and message after the beep... 21235% 21236Hi! How are things going? 21237 (just fine, thank you...) 21238Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? 21239 (you just asked one...) 21240Well, how about one more? 21241 (one more than the first one?) 21242Yes. 21243 (you already asked that...) 21244[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] 21245May I ask two questions, sir? 21246 (no.) 21247May I ask ONE then? 21248 (nope...) 21249Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? 21250 (yes, you may.) 21251Sir, how may I ask you a question? 21252 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for 21253 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that 21254 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the 21255 next one) 21256Sir, may I ask nine questions? 21257 (go right ahead...) 21258% 21259Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. 21260As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of 21261equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. 21262Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you 21263probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of 21264course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my 21265experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out 21266of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. 21267 21268Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 21269motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain." 21270 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" 21271% 21272Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. 21273You wanna help on the audit now? 21274% 21275Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 21276reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 21277nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 21278% 21279Hickery Dickery Dock, 21280The mice ran up the clock, 21281The clock struck one, 21282The others escaped with minor injuries. 21283% 21284Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? 21285 21286 WE CAN HELP! 21287 21288Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. 21289% 21290Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; 21291Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. 21292Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 21293Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 21294 We buried him today because 21295 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 21296 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 21297 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; 21298 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter 21299 Schickele 21300% 21301Higgeldy Piggeldy, 21302Hamlet of Elsinore 21303Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb: 21304"Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis -- 21305Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom." 21306% 21307Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. 21308Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a 21309 little of both. 21310 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion" 21311% 21312High heels are a device invented by a woman 21313who was tired of being kissed on the forehead. 21314% 21315High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: 21316Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high 21317 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it 21318 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the 21319 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and 21320 breakfast cereals, and lima bean- 21321High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. 21322Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take 21323 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. 21324 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the 21325 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither 21326 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is 21327 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, 21328 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being 21329 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. 21330All: Amen. 21331 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade" 21332% 21333HIGH TECHNOLOGY: 21334 A California innovation composed 21335 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana. 21336% 21337Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor. 21338% 21339Hildebrant's Principle: 21340 If you don't know where you are going, 21341 any road will get you there. 21342% 21343Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" 21344Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." 21345Him: "Really? That's incredible... 21346 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." 21347 -- "The Jerk" 21348% 21349Hindsight is always 20:20. 21350 -- Billy Wilder 21351% 21352Hippogriff, n.: 21353 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 21354 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half 21355 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter 21356 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study 21357 of zoology is full of surprises. 21358 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 21359% 21360Hire the morally handicapped. 21361% 21362His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob 21363a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. 21364 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" 21365% 21366...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. 21367 -- Tommy 21368% 21369His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling 21370outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew... 21371% 21372His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred 21373to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never 21374claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- 21375stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. 21376Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers 21377went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of 21378prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, 21379goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through 21380the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the 21381Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze 21382rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. 21383Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... 21384 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 21385% 21386His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had 21387money, he went to Southern California. 21388% 21389His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. 21390% 21391His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. 21392 -- P. G. Wodehouse 21393% 21394His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. 21395% 21396His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. 21397 -- Foghorn Leghorn 21398% 21399His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 21400% 21401Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer 21402of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that 21403continues to this day. 21404 -- Wayne Shannon 21405% 21406History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. 21407% 21408History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history 21409of the Mexican revolution: 21410 21411 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was 21412captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and 21413shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to 21414the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the 21415army where he was then executed." 21416% 21417History is curious stuff 21418 You'd think by now we had enough 21419Yet the fact remains I fear 21420 They make more of it every year. 21421% 21422History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, 21423cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. 21424 -- Leo Tolstoy 21425% 21426History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). 21427% 21428History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. 21429 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 21430% 21431History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 21432% 21433History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second 21434time as bedroom farce. 21435% 21436History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. 21437% 21438History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, 21439periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them 21440asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at 21441intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago 21442state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. 21443 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" 21444% 21445Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy, 21446Burn that sausage just a match or two more done. 21447Pour my black old coffee longer, 21448While that smell is gettin' stronger 21449A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want. 21450 21451Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me, 21452With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun, 21453If that coat'll fit you're wearin', 21454The Lord'll bless your sharin' 21455A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want. 21456 21457And let me halfway fall in love, 21458For part of a lonely night, 21459With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 21460Yes, I could halfway fall in deep-- 21461Into a snugglin', lovin' heap, 21462With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 21463 -- Elroy Blunt 21464% 21465Hitchcock's Staple Principle: 21466 The stapler runs out of staples 21467 only while you are trying to staple something. 21468% 21469Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit 21470agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be 21471used against the coloured. 21472 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 21473% 21474Hlade's Law: 21475 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- 21476 they will find an easier way to do it. 21477% 21478Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: 21479An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. 21480 21481The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional 21482media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters, 21483discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores 21484our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental 21485structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to 21486remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and 21487creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its 21488inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and 21489class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of 21490the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has 21491sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to 21492exist in a more fundamental sense. 21493% 21494Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 21495 Inside every large problem is a small 21496 problem struggling to get out. 21497% 21498Hodie natus est radici frater. 21499% 21500Hoffer's Discovery: 21501 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly 21502 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. 21503% 21504Hofstadter's Law: 21505 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 21506 Hofstadter's Law into account. 21507% 21508HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- 21509 Take a shot every time: 21510 21511-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!" 21512-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink. 21513-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery. 21514-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go). 21515-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots 21516 if it's one of our heroes on the other end). 21517-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. 21518-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and 21519 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink). 21520-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground. 21521-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13. 21522-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food). 21523-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter. 21524-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape. 21525-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell". 21526-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive). 21527-- Lebeau wears his apron. 21528-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the 21529 plan is impossible. 21530-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel. 21531% 21532Hollerith, v.: 21533 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. 21534% 21535Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. 21536 -- Rex Reed 21537% 21538Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? 21539Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? 21540 21541 Tune in again tomorrow: 21542 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! 21543% 21544HOLY MACRO! 21545% 21546Home is the place where, when you have to go there, 21547they have to take you in. 21548 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" 21549% 21550Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a 21551cage is to a cockatoo. 21552 -- George Bernard Shaw 21553% 21554Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: 21555The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. 21556 -- Chris Shaw 21557% 21558Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. 21559% 21560"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. 21561 -- Samuel Butler 21562% 21563Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. 21564 -- Plato 21565% 21566Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. 21567% 21568Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 21569 -- F. M. Hubbard 21570% 21571Honesty's the best policy. 21572 -- Miguel de Cervantes 21573% 21574Honeymoon, n.: 21575 A short period of doting between dating and debting. 21576 -- Ray C. Bandy 21577% 21578Honi soit la vache qui rit. 21579% 21580Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 21581% 21582Honk if you love peace and quiet. 21583% 21584Honorable, adj.: 21585 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 21586 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, 21587 "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 21588 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 21589% 21590Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. 21591 -- Francis Bacon 21592% 21593Hope is a waking dream. 21594 -- Aristotle 21595% 21596Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. 21597 -- M. Horner 21598% 21599Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. 21600% 21601Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. 21602 -- Peanuts 21603% 21604Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much 21605as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. 21606 -- Moore 21607% 21608Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: 21609 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 21610% 21611Horngren's Observation: 21612 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 21613% 21614Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. 21615 -- Jack Benny 21616% 21617Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. 21618 -- W. C. Fields 21619% 21620HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) 21621% 21622HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... 21623% 21624Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they 21625had towels from my house. 21626 -- Mark Guido 21627% 21628Houdini escaping from New Jersey! 21629% 21630Household hint: 21631 If you are out of cream for your coffee, 21632 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute. 21633% 21634Housework can kill you if done right. 21635 -- Erma Bombeck 21636% 21637Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. 21638 -- Neil Armstrong 21639% 21640How apt the poor are to be proud. 21641 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 21642% 21643How can you be in two places at once 21644when you're not anywhere at all? 21645% 21646How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind? 21647 -- Schulz 21648% 21649How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? 21650 -- Charles de Gaulle 21651% 21652How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? 21653 -- Pink Floyd 21654% 21655How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our 21656thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another 21657in the waking state? 21658 -- Plato 21659% 21660How can you think and hit at the same time? 21661 -- Yogi Berra 21662% 21663How can you work when the system's so crowded? 21664% 21665How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? 21666% 21667How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they 21668claim they'll make you? 21669% 21670How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? 21671% 21672How come we never talk anymore? 21673% 21674How come wrong numbers are never busy? 21675% 21676How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards 21677in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? 21678 -- A. Cooper 21679% 21680How could they think women a recreation? 21681Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest? 21682Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm 21683of flesh must prove a luxury of primes; 21684be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth. 21685Which is not to damn the forested China of touching. 21686I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge 21687of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me. 21688The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth. 21689Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins. 21690A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying. 21691I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege, 21692for my life has been eaten in that foliate city. 21693To ambergris. But not for recreation. 21694I would not have lost so much for recreation. 21695 21696Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game 21697of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming. 21698Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness 21699have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way. 21700But for relish of those archipelagoes of person. 21701To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow, 21702and call and call forever till she turn from bird 21703to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon. 21704To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman 21705in all her fresh particularity of difference. 21706Then oh, through the underwater time of night 21707indecent and still, to speak to her without habit. 21708This I have done with my life, and am content. 21709I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, 21710standing in the huge singing and the alien world. 21711 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" 21712% 21713How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. 21714% 21715How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 21716 -- Elliot, "E.T." 21717% 21718How doth the little crocodile 21719 Improve his shining tail, 21720And pour the waters of the Nile 21721 On every golden scale! 21722 21723How cheerfully he seems to grin, 21724 How neatly spreads his claws, 21725And welcomes little fishes in, 21726 With gently smiling jaws! 21727 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 21728% 21729How doth the VAX's C-compiler 21730 Improve its object code. 21731And even as we speak does it 21732 Increase the system load. 21733 21734How patiently it seems to run 21735 And spit out error flags, 21736While users, with frustration, all 21737 Tear all their clothes to rags. 21738% 21739How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to 21740journalists, and they believe what they read. 21741 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" 21742% 21743How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. 21744% 21745How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? 21746 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero 21747% 21748"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being 21749carried by a waiter at a nice party?" 21750 21751Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 21752d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell 21753what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then 21754say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it 21755back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another 21756cheese!" and so on. 21757 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 21758% 21759How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? 21760% 21761How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 21762None: "We'll document it in the manual." 21763% 21764How many weeks are there in a light year? 21765% 21766How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to 21767Dayton? 21768 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey 21769% 21770How much does she love you? 21771Less than you'll ever know. 21772% 21773How much for your women? I want to buy your 21774daughter... how much for the little girl? 21775 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" 21776% 21777How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? 21778% 21779How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them? 21780% 21781How often I found where I should be going 21782only by setting out for somewhere else. 21783 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 21784% 21785How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. 21786% 21787How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" 21788 -- Linus Van Pelt 21789% 21790How to become a sysop: 21791 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and 21792 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never 21793 worked a full day in my life since then. 21794 -- rho/slashdot 21795% 21796How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children 21797 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes 21798% 21799How untasteful can you get? 21800% 21801How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 21802% 21803HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 21804 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. 21805% 21806HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 21807 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. 21808% 21809HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 21810 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of 21811 you. 21812% 21813How you look depends on where you go. 21814% 21815Howe's Law: 21816 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 21817% 21818However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity 21819in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea. 21820 -- Tom K. Ryan 21821% 21822However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There 21823is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. 21824There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, 21825or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any 21826powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used 21827sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are 21828not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force 21829government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree 21830with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they 21831threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and 21832tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen 21833that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and 21834"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to 21835claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more 21836angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group 21837who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll 21838call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step 21839of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans 21840in the name of "conservatism." 21841 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record 21842% 21843HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion 21844that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making 21845changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment 21846was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House 21847amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment 21848was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. 21849 -- Albuquerque Journal 21850% 21851Hubbard's Law: 21852 Don't take life too seriously; 21853 you won't get out of it alive. 21854% 21855Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! 21856Oh wait... 21857I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. 21858Never mind. 21859% 21860Huh? 21861% 21862Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 21863% 21864Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. 21865Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating 21866table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into 21867a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and 21868walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory 21869x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. 21870% 21871Human kind cannot bear very much reality. 21872 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" 21873% 21874Human resources are human first, and resources second. 21875 -- J. Garbers 21876% 21877Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, 21878responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and 21879immature. 21880 -- Tom Robbins 21881% 21882Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. 21883 -- Alan Kay 21884% 21885Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. 21886 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 21887% 21888Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 21889% 21890Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 21891 -- William Gilbert 21892% 21893Humorists always sit at the children's table. 21894 -- Woody Allen 21895% 21896"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on 21897chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable 21898jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to 21899state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all 21900through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" 21901 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham 21902Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, 21903You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your 21904dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But 21905oil!" 21906 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" 21907% 21908Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, 21909Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! 21910All the king's horses, 21911And all the king's men, 21912Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! 21913% 21914Humpty Dumpty was pushed. 21915% 21916Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 21917 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 21918 to... to... uh..... 21919% 21920Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given 21921time, turns into people. 21922 -- Harlow Shapley 21923% 21924I: 21925 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin 21926 with a silk sow. The same is true of money. 21927II: 21928 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would 21929 probably be twice as good as yesterday was. 21930III: 21931 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. 21932IV: 21933 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. 21934V: 21935 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. 21936 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average 21937 output. 21938 -- Norman Augustine 21939% 21940I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people 21941are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen 21942carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence 21943terrifies people the most. 21944 -- Bob Dylan 21945% 21946I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster. 21947 -- John Hinckley 21948% 21949I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs. 21950 -- Muhammad Ali 21951% 21952I allow the world to live as it chooses, 21953and I allow myself to live as I choose. 21954% 21955I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor 21956or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority 21957viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 21958 -- Richard M. Nixon 21959 21960What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 21961 -- Richard M. Nixon 21962% 21963I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their 21964good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. 21965 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 21966% 21967I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. 21968 -- David Bowie 21969% 21970I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. 21971It is never any good to oneself. 21972 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" 21973% 21974I always say beauty is only sin deep. 21975 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" 21976% 21977I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's 21978accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. 21979 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren 21980% 21981I always wake up at the crack of ice. 21982 -- Joe E. Lewis 21983% 21984I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle; 21985'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle 21986I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey -- 21987On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day! 21988I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and 21989The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow, 21990Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters, 21991And a cow. And a cow. 21992 21993The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it 21994Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it! 21995The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute, 21996It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot." 21997Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads 21998One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now: 21999 Two game wardens, seven hunters, 22000 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow. 22001 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song" 22002% 22003I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent 22004person, you will not sell me another book. 22005% 22006I am a computer. 22007I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator. 22008% 22009I am a conscientious man, when I throw 22010rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. 22011 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is" 22012% 22013I am a deeply superficial person. 22014 -- Andy Warhol 22015% 22016I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend 22017than be one. 22018 -- Clarence Darrow 22019% 22020I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. 22021 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 22022% 22023I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my 22024computer to be running Win98. 22025 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list 22026% 22027I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented 22028limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. 22029 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 22030% 22031I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. 22032 -- Winston Churchill 22033% 22034I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder 22035have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. 22036This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's 22037reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go 22038buy some more. 22039 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM 22040% 22041I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves 22042for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man 22043is to suffer for others. 22044 -- Cesar Chavez 22045% 22046I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three 22047quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts 22048otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me. 22049 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell 22050% 22051I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. 22052 -- Katharine Whitehorn 22053% 22054I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, 22055I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art 22056was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. 22057 -- Steven Wright 22058% 22059I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, 22060of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell 22061you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial 22062atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something 22063inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. 22064 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan 22065% 22066I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. 22067 -- Yul Brynner, 1956 22068% 22069I am looking for a honest man. 22070 -- Diogenes the Cynic 22071% 22072I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. 22073% 22074I am NOMAD! 22075% 22076I am not a crook. 22077 -- Richard M. Nixon 22078% 22079I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. 22080 -- A. Ward 22081% 22082I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. 22083 -- William Allen White 22084% 22085I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! 22086 -- Paul McCracken 22087% 22088I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. 22089 -- Gloria Steinem 22090% 22091I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. 22092 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 22093% 22094I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it. 22095 -- English Professor 22096% 22097I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship 22098that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home 22099planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our 22100world that they like, but catnip is crack from home. 22101 -- Bill Cole 22102% 22103I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do 22104something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what 22105I can do. 22106 -- Edward Everett Hale, (1822 - 1909) 22107% 22108I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say 22109(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. 22110 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" 22111% 22112I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared 22113for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 22114 -- Winston Churchill 22115% 22116I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 22117has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 22118 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University 22119% 22120I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast 22121with an option to buy. 22122% 22123I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 22124% 22125I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. 22126% 22127I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. 22128 -- John Donne 22129% 22130I am two with nature. 22131 -- Woody Allen 22132% 22133I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, 22134I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. 22135 -- Samuel Johnson 22136% 22137I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the 22138sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are 22139loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. 22140 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 22141 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 22142% 22143I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an 22144argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and 22145steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, 22146they don't even invite me. 22147 -- Dave Barry 22148% 22149I asked a teacher what the opposite of a miracle was and she, without 22150thinking, I assume, said it was an act of God. 22151 -- Terry Prachett (Daily Mail 21 june 2008) 22152% 22153I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards 22154why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the 22155small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this 22156would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. 22157Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures 22158them completely, even molding the keypads. 22159 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979 22160% 22161I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, 22162ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. 22163% 22164I B M 22165U B M 22166We all B M 22167For I B M!!!! 22168 -- H.A.R.L.I.E. 22169% 22170I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. 22171 -- Gilda Radner 22172% 22173I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the 22174perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, 22175I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years 22176and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone 22177a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years 22178together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My 22179wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching 22180the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to 22181be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting 22182to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And 22183as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and 22184twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only 22185with time. 22186 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman" 22187% 22188I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, 22189particularly if he has income and she is pattable. 22190 -- Ogden Nash 22191% 22192I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute 22193-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) 22194how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom 22195to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or 22196political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely 22197because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or 22198the people who might elect him. 22199 -- John F. Kennedy 22200% 22201I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 22202 -- G. K. Chesterton 22203% 22204I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. 22205 -- Woody Allen 22206% 22207I believe that professional wrestling is clean 22208and everything else in the world is fixed. 22209 -- Frank Deford, sports writer 22210% 22211I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac 22212thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the 22213total discrediting of the world of reality. 22214 -- Salvador Dali 22215% 22216I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 22217 -- Will Rogers 22218% 22219I bet the human brain is a kludge. 22220 -- Marvin Minsky 22221% 22222I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on 22223the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. 22224 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 22225% 22226I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always 22227end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get 22228embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and 22229they'd get mad and eat the snowman. 22230 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 22231% 22232I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. 22233 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during 22234 a visit to a London veterans hospital 22235% 22236I brake for chezlogs! 22237% 22238I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see 22239Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the 22240box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon 22241relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a 22242psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be 22243more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable 22244sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to 22245be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe 22246as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd 22247thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover 22248the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, 22249your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on 22250your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the 22251apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns 22252down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. 22253 -- Townsend Davis 22254% 22255I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 22256 -- Biff Barf 22257% 22258I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. 22259They're still living in the fifties. 22260 -- Strange de Jim 22261% 22262I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. 22263% 22264I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. 22265All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. 22266 -- The Firesign Theatre 22267% 22268I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. 22269% 22270I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan 22271prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very 22272bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after 22273relentless day. 22274 -- Betty MacDonald 22275% 22276I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. 22277 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" 22278% 22279I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. 22280 -- Jay Gould 22281% 22282I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, 22283and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. 22284 -- Larry Lee 22285% 22286I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 22287% 22288I can relate to that. 22289% 22290I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 2229125 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be 22292true. 22293 -- Harry S. Truman 22294% 22295I can resist anything but temptation. 22296% 22297I can see him a'comin' 22298With his big boots on, 22299With his big thumb out, 22300He wants to get me. 22301He wants to hurt me. 22302He wants to bring me down. 22303But some time later, 22304When I feel a little straighter, 22305I'll come across a stranger 22306Who'll remind me of the danger, 22307And then.... I'll run him over. 22308Pretty smart on my part! 22309To find my way... In the dark! 22310 -- Phil Ochs 22311% 22312I can write better than anybody who can write faster, 22313and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. 22314 -- A. J. Liebling 22315% 22316I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. 22317 -- Lillian Hellman 22318% 22319I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. 22320 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics 22321% 22322I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate 22323of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... 22324 -- F. H. Wales (1936) 22325% 22326I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; 22327If it be man's work I will do it. 22328% 22329I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. 22330 22331What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good 22332grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause 22333of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the 22334United States would have lost World War II." 22335 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" 22336% 22337I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. 22338 -- Steven Pearl 22339% 22340I CAN'T come back, I don't know how it works. 22341 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" 22342% 22343I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 22344 -- Joe Walsh 22345% 22346I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. 22347 -- Florence Henderson 22348% 22349I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. 22350 -- Phil Harris 22351% 22352I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side 22353If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will 22354I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With 22355 Your Socks Outside-in 22356I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love 22357Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride 22358I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 22359I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 22360I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time 22361 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" 22362% 22363I can't mate in captivity. 22364 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married 22365% 22366I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." 22367It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. 22368 -- Robert Benchley 22369% 22370I can't stand squealers; hit that guy. 22371 -- Albert Anastasia 22372% 22373I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the 22374forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. 22375 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine 22376 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist 22377 Party Conference 22378% 22379I can't understand it. 22380I can't even understand the people who can understand it. 22381 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands 22382% 22383I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 22384novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 22385 -- Fred Allen 22386% 22387I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. 22388I'm frightened of the old ones. 22389 -- John Cage 22390% 22391I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his 22392keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating 22393up a child. 22394 -- Steven Wright 22395% 22396I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time 22397a woman got pregnant, someone left town. 22398 -- Michael Prichard 22399% 22400I consider a new device or technology to have been 22401culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. 22402 -- M. Gallaher 22403% 22404I consider the day misspent that I am not 22405either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. 22406 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon 22407% 22408I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather 22409dance with the cows till you come home. 22410 -- Groucho Marx 22411% 22412I could never learn to like her -- 22413except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. 22414 -- Mark Twain 22415% 22416I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. 22417% 22418I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the 22419time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. 22420 -- Peter Oakley 22421% 22422I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. 22423% 22424I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why 22425I should have to believe in it in this one. 22426 -- Strange de Jim 22427% 22428I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! 22429 -- Bart Simpson 22430% 22431I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. 22432But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. 22433 -- Rita Gain 22434% 22435I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. 22436% 22437I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. 22438% 22439I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. 22440The curtain was up. 22441% 22442I disagree with what you say, but will defend 22443to the death your right to tell such LIES! 22444% 22445I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk 22446and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, 22447unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell 22448you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk. 22449 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 22450% 22451I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink 22452too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. 22453 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 22454% 22455I do desire we may be better strangers. 22456 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 22457% 22458I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. 22459% 22460I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 22461exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to 22462minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary 22463accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a 22464mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the 22465bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always 22466different. 22467 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) 22468% 22469I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman 22470Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, 22471nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. 22472 -- Thomas Paine 22473% 22474I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter 22475quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks 22476the National League for five years. This is the United States of America 22477and one citizen has as much right to play as another. 22478 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a 22479 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if 22480 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The 22481 Cardinals backed down and played. 22482% 22483I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 22484 -- Isaac Asimov 22485% 22486I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with 22487sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. 22488 -- Galileo Galilei 22489% 22490I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. 22491 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 22492% 22493I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, 22494any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology 22495comes nearest to it of any. 22496 -- Henry David Thoreau 22497% 22498I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a 22499butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. 22500 -- Chuang Tzu 22501% 22502I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, 22503starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, 22504reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to 22505devote it to research in mathematics. 22506 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 22507% 22508I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. 22509I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become 22510tiresome. 22511 -- I Ching 22512% 22513I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. 22514 -- Salvador Dali 22515% 22516I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians 22517don't believe in astrology. 22518 -- James R. F. Quirk 22519% 22520I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just 22521a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more 22522numbers!! 22523% 22524I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of 22525a frog jumping on my Breakfast. 22526 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 22527% 22528I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to 22529run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better 22530husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. 22531 -- The Best of Will Rogers 22532% 22533I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! 22534 -- Heard in Bethlehem 22535% 22536I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. 22537 -- Calvin Trillin 22538% 22539I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the 22540nominating. 22541 -- Boss Tweed 22542% 22543I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't 22544deserve that either. 22545 -- Jack Benny 22546% 22547I don't do it for the money. 22548 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal 22549% 22550I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. 22551 -- K. Coates 22552% 22553I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. 22554 -- Katherine Cebrian 22555% 22556I don't get no respect. 22557% 22558I don't have an eating problem. I eat. 22559I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. 22560% 22561I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 22562 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 22563% 22564I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two 22565highly trained certified public accountants. 22566 -- Elvis Presley 22567% 22568I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got 22569hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. 22570 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 22571% 22572I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above 22573globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." 22574 -- Bruce Baum 22575% 22576I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 22577 -- Elvis Presley 22578% 22579I don't know what Descartes' got, 22580But booze can do what Kant cannot. 22581 -- Mike Cross 22582% 22583I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much 22584more concerned to know what his grandson will be. 22585 -- Abraham Lincoln 22586% 22587I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. 22588 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974 22589% 22590I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. 22591% 22592I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, 22593because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it. 22594 -- Clarence Darrow 22595% 22596I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. 22597I don't trust him. 22598 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference 22599 with Dutch Schultz. 22600 22601I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a 22602trigger like another guy wipes his nose. 22603 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with 22604 "Legs" Diamond. 22605% 22606I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. 22607 -- Cash McCall 22608% 22609I don't mind arguing with myself. 22610It's when I lose that it bothers me. 22611 -- Richard Powers 22612% 22613I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. 22614 -- Ronald Mabbitt 22615% 22616I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 22617streets and frighten the horses. 22618 -- Victor Hugo 22619% 22620I don't need no arms around me... 22621I don't need no drugs to calm me... 22622I have seen the writing on the wall. 22623Don't think I need anything at all. 22624No! Don't think I need anything at all! 22625All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 22626All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 22627 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III 22628% 22629I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!? 22630% 22631I don't remember it, but I have it written down. 22632% 22633I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before 22634he starts to practice law. 22635 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother 22636 Attorney-General. 22637% 22638I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets 22639fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. 22640 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 22641% 22642"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. 22643% 22644I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican 22645Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. 22646 -- Richard M. Nixon, 1972 22647% 22648"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down 22649to the sea and drown yourselves." 22650 22651"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why 22652you human beings don't." 22653 -- James Thurber 22654% 22655I don't understand you anymore. 22656% 22657I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight, 22658But there will definitely be a party tonight... 22659% 22660I don't want a pickle, 22661I just wanna ride on my motorcycle. 22662And I don't want to die, 22663I just want to ride on my motorcycle. 22664 -- Arlo Guthrie 22665% 22666I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. 22667 -- Jean Anouilh 22668% 22669I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. 22670I want to achieve immortality through not dying. 22671 -- Woody Allen 22672% 22673I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that 22674the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is 22675thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists 22676broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. 22677Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off 22678their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... 22679 -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE 22680 COMING!" 22681% 22682I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. 22683% 22684I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. 22685 -- Woody Allen 22686% 22687I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? 22688% 22689I dote on his very absence. 22690 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 22691% 22692I doubt, therefore I might be. 22693% 22694I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business 22695on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment 22696he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual 22697becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. 22698 -- George Bernard Shaw 22699% 22700I drink to make other people interesting. 22701 -- George Jean Nathan 22702% 22703I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. 22704% 22705I enjoy the time that we spend together. 22706% 22707I exist, therefore I am paid. 22708% 22709I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. 22710% 22711I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... 22712% 22713I fell asleep reading a dull book, 22714and I dreamt that I was reading on, 22715so I woke up from sheer boredom. 22716% 22717I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an 22718honest difference of opinion. 22719 -- Isaac Asimov 22720% 22721I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. 22722I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. 22723 -- Steven Wright 22724% 22725I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. 22726 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd 22727 just shot. 22728% 22729I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words. 22730% 22731I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. 22732 -- Augustus Caesar 22733% 22734I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very 22735reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment. 22736 -- Gautama Buddha 22737% 22738I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; 22739I gave my love a building, that had no floor; 22740I wrote my love a program, that had no end; 22741I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'. 22742 22743How can there be an Apple, that has no core? 22744How can there be a building, that has no floor? 22745How can there be a program, that has no end? 22746How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'? 22747 22748An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core! 22749A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! 22750A program with GOTOs, it has no end! 22751I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! 22752% 22753I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *_h_o_r_r_i_f_y_i_n_g* 20 22754minutes of my life! 22755% 22756I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 22757 -- Mae West 22758% 22759I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. 22760 -- Chauncey Depew 22761% 22762I get up each morning, gather my wits. 22763Pick up the paper, read the obits. 22764If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 22765So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 22766 22767Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 22768My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 22769But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 22770And think of the places my get-up has been. 22771 -- Pete Seeger 22772% 22773I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? 22774 -- Beauregard Bugleboy 22775% 22776I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. 22777 -- H. L. Mencken 22778% 22779I go the way that Providence dictates. 22780 -- Adolf Hitler 22781% 22782I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now 22783when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and 22784farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." 22785 -- Steven Wright 22786% 22787I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were 22788wearing masks for. 22789 -- James Boren 22790% 22791I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. 22792 -- Steven Wright 22793% 22794I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie 22795theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the 22796other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession 22797stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a 22798long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children 22799$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to 22800a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. 22801 -- Steven Wright 22802% 22803I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. 22804 -- Butch Cassidy 22805% 22806I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up 22807and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. 22808 22809No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the 22810human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when 22811you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is 22812generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid 22813puppet. 22814 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 22815% 22816I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit 22817was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse 22818being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. 22819 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 22820% 22821I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took 22822time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to 22823win -- or even how you won. 22824 -- Cash McCall 22825% 22826I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of 22827other people... Certainty is just an emotion. 22828 -- Hal Clement 22829% 22830I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him 22831Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat 22832one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. 22833 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 22834% 22835I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. 22836 -- D. Cavett 22837% 22838I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and 22839we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." 22840 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 22841% 22842I had a dream last night... 22843I dreamt about 1976. 22844I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage... 22845I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant. 22846Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare... 22847so I went back to sleep again. 22848 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72" 22849% 22850I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond 22851depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might 22852see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing 22853through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly 22854why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after 22855dinner and I let it go. 22856 -- Winston Churchill 22857% 22858I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind 22859in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami 22860Beach." 22861 -- The Stunt Man 22862% 22863I had another dream the other day about government financial management 22864people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they 22865had stepped out of a painting by Goya. 22866% 22867I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small 22868and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a 22869painting by Goya. 22870 -- Stravinsky 22871% 22872I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black 22873people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people 22874put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any 22875power to make things different is a bitch. 22876 -- Miles Davis 22877% 22878I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, 22879so I took his shoes. 22880 -- Dave Barry 22881% 22882I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and 22883implement a PL/1 compiler. 22884 -- T. Cheatham 22885% 22886I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler 22887Moore show I heard the word "damn!" 22888 -- Mary Lou Bax 22889% 22890I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. 22891% 22892I hate babies. They're so human. 22893 -- H. H. Munro 22894% 22895I hate dying. 22896 -- Dave Johnson 22897% 22898I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 22899it's going to be up all night. 22900 -- Steven Wright 22901% 22902I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, 22903and I know how bad I am. 22904 -- Samuel Johnson 22905% 22906I hate quotations. 22907 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 22908% 22909I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park 22910there's nothing else to do. 22911 -- Lenny Bruce 22912% 22913I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a 22914ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. 22915 -- Willow 22916% 22917I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I 22918open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the 22919box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get 22920it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I 22921had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend 22922of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a 22923call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone 22924doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I 22925didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. 22926 -- Steven Wright 22927% 22928I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, 22929Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me 22930and just keeps on typing. 22931 -- Steven Wright 22932% 22933I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, 22934the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to 22935sit down together at the table of brotherhood. 22936 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 22937% 22938I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When 22939I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... 22940I just... to make a long story short..." 22941 -- Steven Wright 22942% 22943I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. 22944 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters 22945% 22946I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. 22947I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen 22948some of it. 22949 -- Steven Wright 22950% 22951I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, 22952And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. 22953He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; 22954And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed. 22955 22956The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- 22957Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; 22958For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, 22959And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. 22960 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 22961% 22962I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. 22963I spent last summer folding it. 22964People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". 22965 -- Steven Wright 22966% 22967I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. 22968 -- Richard Diran 22969% 22970I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once 22971in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I 22972got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" 22973 -- Steven Wright 22974% 22975I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. 22976% 22977I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, 22978but I can't prove it. 22979% 22980I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it 22981any time! 22982% 22983I have a very strange feeling about this... 22984 -- Luke Skywalker 22985% 22986I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to 22987sacrifice my wife's brother. 22988 -- Artemus Ward 22989% 22990I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes 22991to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. 22992 -- Winston Churchill, 1903 22993% 22994I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. 22995 -- Steven Wright 22996% 22997I have become me without my consent. 22998% 22999I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which 23000would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark." 23001 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 23002% 23003I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per 23004cent an idiot. 23005 -- George Bernard Shaw 23006% 23007I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable 23008to sit still in a room. 23009 -- Blaise Pascal 23010% 23011I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. 23012I tell them the truth and they never believe me. 23013 -- Camillo Di Cavour 23014% 23015I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and 23016to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and 23017support of the woman I love. 23018 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, announcing his abdication 23019 of the British throne in order to marry the American 23020 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. (1936) 23021% 23022I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience 23023most of them are trash. 23024 -- Sigmund Freud 23025% 23026I have gained this by philosophy: 23027that I do without being commanded what others 23028do only from fear of the law. 23029 -- Aristotle 23030% 23031I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 23032 -- Edgar Allan Poe 23033% 23034I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent 23035of a prostate operation. 23036 -- Malcolm Muggeridge 23037% 23038I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. 23039 -- Plato 23040% 23041I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. 23042I do believe that is a record. 23043 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words 23044% 23045I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You 23046sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an 23047eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I 23048have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of 23049beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a 23050guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more 23051of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. 23052 -- Harry S. Truman 23053% 23054I have learned silence from the talkative, 23055toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. 23056 -- Kahlil Gibran 23057% 23058I have learned 23059To spell hors d'oeuvres 23060Which still grates on 23061Some people's n'oeuvres. 23062 -- Warren Knox 23063% 23064I have lots of things in my pockets; 23065None of them is worth anything. 23066Sociopolitical whines aside, 23067Gan you give me, gratis, free, 23068The price of half a gallon 23069Of Gallo extra bad 23070And most of the bus fare home. 23071% 23072I have made mistakes but I have never made the 23073mistake of claiming that I have never made one. 23074 -- James Gordon Bennett 23075% 23076I have made this letter longer than usual 23077because I lack the time to make it shorter. 23078 -- Blaise Pascal 23079% 23080I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. 23081% 23082I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole 23083_B_O_D_Y! 23084 -- from "Cerebus" #82 23085% 23086I have never been one to sacrifice 23087my appetite on the altar of appearance. 23088 -- A. M. Readyhough 23089% 23090I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 23091 -- Mark Twain 23092% 23093I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. 23094 -- Rob Pike, on X 23095 23096Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be 23097gone in two years. He was half right. 23098 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 23099 23100Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. 23101 -- Jim Gettys 23102% 23103I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts 23104already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic 23105establishment. 23106 -- Alan Bennett 23107% 23108I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, 23109in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. 23110 -- Thoreau 23111% 23112I have no doubt the Devil grins, 23113As seas of ink I spatter. 23114Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins-- 23115The other kind don't matter. 23116 -- Robert W. Service 23117% 23118I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his 23119own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks 23120of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin. 23121 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 23122% 23123I have not yet begun to byte! 23124% 23125I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land. 23126 -- George Wallace 23127% 23128I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, 23129and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would 23130be blockhead enough to have me. 23131 -- Abraham Lincoln 23132% 23133I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart. 23134 -- Jimmy Carter 23135% 23136I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. 23137 -- Publilius Syrus 23138% 23139I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these 23140Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal 23141advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages 23142for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and 23143after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government 23144of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only 23145commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even 23146the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the 23147reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... 23148 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were 23149a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the 23150execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some 23151justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I 23152venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will 23153ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if 23154made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to 23155declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... 23156 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed 23157by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its 23158advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I 23159think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse 23160calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. 23161In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not 23162be economized by the aid of machinery. 23163 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" 23164% 23165I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 23166 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 23167% 23168I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. 23169% 23170I have that old biological urge, 23171I have that old irresistible surge, 23172I'm hungry. 23173% 23174I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 23175 -- Oscar Wilde 23176% 23177I have to convince you, or at least snow you ... 23178 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 23179% 23180I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. 23181 -- Richard Burton 23182% 23183I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with 23184the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest 23185authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. 23186 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall 23187 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior 23188 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new 23189 science of data processing), c. 1957 23190% 23191I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. 23192 -- John D. Rockefeller 23193% 23194I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked 23195at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 23196 -- Poul Anderson 23197% 23198I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 23199% 23200I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 23201% 23202I hear the sound that the machines make, 23203and feel my heart break, just for a moment. 23204% 23205I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. 23206% 23207I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very 23208interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell 23209more than he knows. 23210 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 23211% 23212I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... 23213 -- Thomas Jefferson 23214% 23215I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips, 23216I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips, 23217My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here, 23218But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir. 23219 23220The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why, 23221For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie, 23222I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine, 23223So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine. 23224 23225 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" 23226% 23227I hope you're not pretending to be evil while 23228secretly being good. That would be dishonest. 23229% 23230I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? 23231 -- Raoul Duke 23232% 23233I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. 23234I think I saw God. 23235 -- B. Hathrume Duk 23236% 23237I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. 23238He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial 23239and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I 23240ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed. 23241 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times" 23242% 23243I just got out of the hospital after a 23244speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. 23245 -- Steven Wright 23246% 23247I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. 23248 -- Casey Stengel 23249% 23250I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. 23251 -- Bill Hoest 23252% 23253I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. 23254I haven't had time for tobacco since. 23255 -- Arturo Toscanini 23256% 23257I knew her before she was a virgin. 23258 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day 23259% 23260I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... 23261If I could just remember what it was. 23262% 23263I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better 23264take one along that worked. 23265 -- Raymond Chandler 23266% 23267I know if you been talkin' you done said 23268just how surprised you wuz by the living dead. 23269You wuz surprised that they could understand you words 23270and never respond once to all the truth they heard. 23271But don't you get square! 23272There ain't no rule that says they got to care. 23273They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. 23274% 23275I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. 23276% 23277I know not how I came into this, 23278shall I call it a dying life or a living death? 23279 -- St. Augustine 23280% 23281I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but 23282World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 23283 -- Albert Einstein 23284% 23285I know on which side my bread is buttered. 23286 -- John Heywood 23287% 23288I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 23289The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. 23290 -- Charles Schulz 23291% 23292I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when 23293you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. 23294 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 23295% 23296I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all 23297custody means. Get even with your old lady. 23298 -- Lenny Bruce 23299% 23300I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?" 23301Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track 23302myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the 23303world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself 23304one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk? 23305 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211 23306% 23307I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, 23308but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what 23309it means. 23310% 23311I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, 23312but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. 23313% 23314I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. 23315% 23316I lately lost a preposition; 23317It hid, I thought, beneath my chair 23318And angrily I cried, "Perdition! 23319Up from out of under there." 23320 23321Correctness is my vade mecum, 23322And straggling phrases I abhor, 23323And yet I wondered, "What should he come 23324Up from out of under for?" 23325 -- Morris Bishop 23326% 23327I lay my head on the railroad tracks, 23328Waitin' for the double E. 23329The railroad don't run no more. 23330Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus] 23331 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. 23332 These young girls won't let me be, 23333 Lord have mercy on me! 23334 Woe is me! 23335 23336Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, 23337Well, I ain't naming names. 23338But she really worked me over good, 23339She was just like Jesse James. 23340She really worked me over good, 23341She was a credit to her gender. 23342She put me through some changes, boy, 23343Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus] 23344 23345I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, 23346She asked me if I'd beat her. 23347She took me back to the Hyatt House, 23348I don't want to talk about it. [chorus] 23349 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" 23350% 23351I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they 23352didn't is just lyin'! 23353 -- Willie Nelson 23354% 23355I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 23356 -- Art Leo 23357% 23358I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull 23359that kidnaped Europa. 23360 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 23361% 23362I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization. 23363 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 23364% 23365I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 23366promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 23367peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 23368the way and let them have it. 23369 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 23370% 23371I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. 23372% 23373I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. 23374 -- Tom McGuane 23375% 23376I like your game but we have to change the rules. 23377% 23378I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. 23379% 23380I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts 23381to bite people themselves. 23382 -- August Strindberg 23383% 23384I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. 23385I may not get there, but I'm going first class. 23386 -- Art Buchwald 23387% 23388I love being married. It's so great to find that one special 23389person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 23390 -- Rita Rudner 23391% 23392I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then 23393someone takes them away. 23394 -- Nancy Mitford 23395% 23396I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. 23397It's a rat with a thyroid problem. 23398% 23399I love mankind ... It's people I hate. 23400 -- Schulz 23401% 23402I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. 23403 -- Walt Disney 23404% 23405I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what 23406entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils. 23407 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson 23408% 23409I love the smell of napalm in the morning. 23410 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now" 23411% 23412I love to eat them Smurfies 23413Smurfies what I love to eat 23414Bite they ugly heads off, 23415Nibble on they bluish feet. 23416% 23417I love treason but hate a traitor. 23418 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 23419% 23420I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. 23421 -- Elvis Costello 23422% 23423I love you, not only for what you are, 23424but for what I am when I am with you. 23425 -- Roy Croft 23426% 23427I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might 23428commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it 23429irresistible. 23430 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer" 23431% 23432I married beneath me. All women do. 23433 -- Lady Nancy Astor 23434% 23435I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but 23436don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the 23437speed of light. 23438 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk 23439% 23440I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! 23441% 23442I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. 23443 -- Doctor Graper 23444% 23445I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. 23446 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 23447% 23448I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. 23449 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" 23450% 23451I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at 23452clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. 23453 -- Steven Wright 23454% 23455I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a 23456congressman. 23457 -- Will Rogers 23458% 23459I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's; 23460I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. 23461 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 23462% 23463I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. 23464 -- Alexander Woollcott 23465% 23466I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 23467week sometimes to make it up. 23468 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 23469% 23470I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! 23471% 23472I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres 23473and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit 23474-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if 23475we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand 23476feet for the base. 23477 23478And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson 23479sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770 23480m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to 23481roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the 23482sun. Very little air will leak over the edges. 23483 23484Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface 23485area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the 23486crowding. 23487 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld" 23488% 23489I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. 23490 -- Fratianno 23491% 23492I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the 23493legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that 23494way. 23495 -- Jay Gould 23496% 23497I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted 23498something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something. 23499 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil 23500% 23501I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. 23502 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the 23503 Royal Family 23504% 23505I never did it that way before. 23506% 23507I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the 23508places they do today. 23509 -- Will Rogers 23510% 23511I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they 23512could do was to go away. 23513% 23514I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. 23515 -- Groucho Marx 23516% 23517I never killed a man that didn't deserve it. 23518 -- Mickey Cohen 23519% 23520I never loved another person the way I loved myself. 23521 -- Mae West 23522% 23523I never made a mistake in my life. 23524I thought I did once, but I was wrong. 23525 -- Lucy Van Pelt 23526% 23527I never met a man I didn't want to fight. 23528 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman 23529% 23530I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 23531% 23532I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. 23533% 23534I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; 23535what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats. 23536% 23537I never saw a purple cow 23538I never hope to see one 23539But I can tell you anyhow 23540I'd rather see than be one. 23541 -- Gellett Burgess 23542 23543I've never seen a purple cow 23544I never hope to see one 23545But from the milk we're getting now 23546There certainly must be one 23547 -- Ogden Nash 23548 23549Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" 23550I'm sorry now I wrote it 23551But I can tell you anyhow 23552I'll kill you if you quote it. 23553 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later 23554% 23555I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. 23556% 23557I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. 23558 -- W. C. Fields 23559% 23560I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 23561 -- George Bernard Shaw 23562% 23563I only know what I read in the papers. 23564 -- Will Rogers 23565% 23566I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis! 23567 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) 23568% 23569I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a 23570letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished 23571words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can 23572resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But 23573then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices 23574that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or 23575a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. 23576 -- Letters From Colette 23577% 23578I owe, I owe, 23579It's off to work I go... 23580% 23581I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a 23582toilet seat. 23583 -- Michael McShane 23584% 23585I owe the public nothing. 23586 -- J. P. Morgan 23587% 23588I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as 23589the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must 23590not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we 23591must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, 23592in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from 23593wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they 23594will be happy. 23595 -- Thomas Jefferson 23596% 23597I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the 23598kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled 23599substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no 23600restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we 23601made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given 23602powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative 23603nerve disease. 23604 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 23605% 23606I pledge allegiance to the flag 23607of the United States of America 23608and to the republic for which it stands, 23609one nation, 23610indivisible, 23611with liberty 23612and justice for all. 23613 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892 23614% 23615I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 23616 -- Steven Wright 23617% 23618I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! 23619% 23620I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. 23621 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger 23622% 23623I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. 23624 -- Cicero 23625 23626Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. 23627 -- Poor Richard 23628% 23629I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. 23630 -- William F. Buckley 23631% 23632I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats 23633on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. 23634 -- Steven Wright 23635% 23636I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of 23637tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If 23638they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go 23639crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. 23640These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even 23641aspire to crudeness. 23642 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" 23643% 23644I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. 23645 -- Neil Armstrong 23646% 23647I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because 23648parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the 23649motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? 23650 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town." 23651 "What's it about?" 23652 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals." 23653 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!" 23654 -- Ian Shoales 23655% 23656I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. 23657To see the sights I'm never going to visit. 23658% 23659I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. 23660 -- Aneurin Bevan 23661% 23662I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that 23663the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional 23664congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile 23665so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the 23666plumber. 23667 23668But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such 23669as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of 23670the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never 23671win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually 23672write about, such as nose-picking. 23673 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 23674 Political Fallout" 23675% 23676I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. 23677 -- Marilyn Chambers 23678% 23679I really hate this damned machine 23680I wish that they would sell it. 23681It never does quite what I want 23682But only what I tell it. 23683% 23684I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens 23685who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known 23686something of what has been passing in their time. 23687 -- Thomas Jefferson 23688% 23689I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the 23690reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if 23691I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. 23692 -- Stephen King 23693% 23694I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on 23695believing that some men are my equals. 23696 -- Brigid Brophy 23697% 23698I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. 23699% 23700I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the 23701morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for 23702the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to 23703invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed 23704the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I 23705asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, 23706"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint 23707that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. 23708 -- Alistair Cooke 23709% 23710I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office 23711to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, 23712and didn't come back for 20 years. 23713% 23714I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some 23715kind of loophole. 23716 -- Leo Kessler 23717% 23718I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it 23719looks like I'm the only one moving. 23720 -- Steven Wright 23721% 23722I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. 23723 -- Wilson Mizner 23724% 23725I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every 23726woman should marry -- and no man. 23727 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" 23728% 23729I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New 23730England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be 23731raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in 23732New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for 23733countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere 23734if they don't get it. 23735 -- Mark Twain 23736% 23737I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... 23738and then natural selection reared its ugly head. 23739% 23740I saw a man pursuing the Horizon, 23741'Round and round they sped. 23742I was disturbed at this, 23743I accosted the man, 23744"It is futile," I said. 23745"You can never--" 23746"You lie!" He cried, 23747and ran on. 23748 -- Stephen Crane 23749% 23750I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. 23751 -- Steven Wright 23752% 23753I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid 23754never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that 23755deserve a series?" 23756% 23757I saw what you did and I know who you are. 23758% 23759I see a bad moon rising. 23760I see trouble on the way. 23761I see earthquakes and lightnin' 23762I see bad times today. 23763Don't go 'round tonight, 23764It's bound to take your life. 23765There's a bad moon on the rise. 23766 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" 23767% 23768I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 23769they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 23770 -- Will Rogers 23771% 23772I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 23773I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 23774Bernoulli would have been content to die 23775Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! 23776 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 23777% 23778I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to 23779the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about 23780us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. 23781 -- The Best of Will Rogers 23782% 23783I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear, 23784I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear. 23785The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud, 23786They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud." 23787The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff, 23788"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..." 23789I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf, 23790It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself. 23791But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked 23792"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and 23793 knocked, 23794I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut, 23795"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But... 23796 23797 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 23798 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 23799 -- Lewis Carroll, 23800 "Through the Looking-Glass, 23801 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 23802% 23803I sent a message to another time, 23804But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, 23805I sent a message to another plane, 23806Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive. 23807... 23808I met someone who looks at lot like you, 23809She does the things you do, but she is an IBM. 23810She's only programmed to be very nice, 23811But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near, 23812She tells me that she likes me very much, 23813But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear. 23814... 23815I realize that it must seem so strange, 23816That time has rearranged, but time has the final word, 23817She knows I think of you, she reads my mind, 23818She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world. 23819 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095" 23820% 23821I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- 23822a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine 23823in his veins. 23824 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee 23825% 23826I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether 23827it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether 23828he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right 23829that matters, but victory. 23830 -- Adolf Hitler 23831% 23832I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck. 23833 -- graffito in Los Angeles 23834 23835On a clear day, 23836U.C.L.A. 23837 -- graffito in San Francisco 23838 23839There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our 23840lungs there'd be no place to put it all. 23841 -- Robert Orben 23842% 23843I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than 23844most western countries. 23845 -- George Burns 23846% 23847I smell a wumpus. 23848% 23849I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker 23850Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it. 23851 -- Woody Allen 23852% 23853I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his 23854ability. 23855 -- Oscar Wilde 23856% 23857I steal. 23858 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board 23859 23860Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas. 23861 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living 23862% 23863I stick my neck out for nobody. 23864 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" (1942) 23865% 23866I stood on the leading edge, 23867The eastern seaboard at my feet. 23868"Jump!" said Yoko Ono 23869I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried. 23870Go on and give it a try, 23871Why prolong the agony, all men must die. 23872 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" 23873% 23874I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 23875see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 23876 -- Shirley Temple 23877% 23878I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win. 23879 -- C-3PO 23880% 23881I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do 23882too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which 23883direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After 23884much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot 23885tub to face is up. 23886 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 23887% 23888I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, 23889Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, 23890Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band, 23891That needs a helping hand, 23892Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face. 23893 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May" 23894% 23895I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 23896country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 23897I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 23898are worth considering, to wit: 23899 23900[110.13]: 23901 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 23902 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 23903 23904[22.17b]: 23905 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best 23906 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] 23907 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it 23908 on the highway." 23909 23910[41.16]: 23911 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really 23912 asking for it." 23913% 23914I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 23915country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 23916I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 23917are worth considering, to wit: 23918 23919[131.16d]: 23920 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle 23921 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making 23922 a U-turn on a divided highway." 23923 23924[96.7b]: 23925 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the 23926 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are 23927 traveling more than 60 MPH." 23928% 23929I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 23930country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 23931I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 23932are worth considering, to wit: 23933 23934[173.15b]: 23935 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember 23936 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." 23937 23938[141.2a]: 23939 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' 23940 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into 23941 a 5' parking space." 23942 23943[105.31]: 23944 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. 23945 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." 23946% 23947I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad 23948thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. 23949% 23950I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it 23951is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. 23952 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" 23953% 23954I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking 23955pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the 23956munchies, and ate the other half. 23957 23958Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the 23959bottle stuck up my nose. 23960 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23961% 23962I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track 23963and they shot my horse with the opening gun. 23964 23965Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my 23966fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, 23967"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." 23968 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23969% 23970I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt 23971the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, 23972I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. 23973 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23974% 23975I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. 23976 -- M. C. Escher 23977% 23978I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward 23979or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. 23980 -- Woody Allen 23981% 23982I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. 23983 -- William Shakespeare 23984% 23985I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's 23986paranoid and the other half's out to get him. 23987% 23988I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 23989because I couldn't remember the proof. 23990 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a 23991% 23992I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. 23993 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23994% 23995I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 23996% 23997I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so 23998desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. 23999 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries" 24000% 24001I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick 24002and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this 24003country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people 24004in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly 24005not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. 24006 -- Monty Python 24007% 24008I think that I shall never hear 24009A poem lovelier than beer. 24010The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, 24011With golden base and snowy cap. 24012The stuff that I can drink all day 24013Until my mem'ry melts away. 24014Poems are made by fools, I fear 24015But only Schlitz can make a beer. 24016% 24017I think that I shall never see 24018A billboard lovely as a tree. 24019Indeed, unless the billboards fall 24020I'll never see a tree at all. 24021 -- Ogden Nash 24022% 24023I think that I shall never see 24024A thing as lovely as a tree. 24025But as you see the trees have gone 24026They went this morning with the dawn. 24027A logging firm from out of town 24028Came and chopped the trees all down. 24029But I will trick those dirty skunks 24030And write a brand new poem called "Trunks." 24031% 24032I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple 24033to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the 24034farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light 24035into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from 24036the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing 24037off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the 24038color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on 24039out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars 24040singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors. 24041 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club 24042% 24043I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to 24044remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. 24045 -- Chick 24046% 24047I think the world is run by C students. 24048 -- Al McGuire 24049% 24050I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people 24051could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files. 24052 -- Jordan K. Hubbard 24053% 24054I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." 24055I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone 24056say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer 24057effect." 24058 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 24059% 24060I think, therefore I am... I think. 24061% 24062I think there's a world market for about five computers. 24063 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (1943) 24064% 24065I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for 24066paneling. 24067 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 24068% 24069I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. 24070 -- T. S. Eliot 24071% 24072I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown 24073... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think 24074we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. 24075When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we 24076are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was 24077driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa 24078Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, 24079were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous 24080conversation ... 24081 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 24082% 24083I think we're all Bozos on this bus. 24084 -- The Firesign Theatre 24085% 24086I think we're in trouble. 24087 -- Han Solo 24088% 24089I think your opinions are reasonable, 24090except for the one about my mental instability. 24091 -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University 24092% 24093"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" 24094"As a programmer, yes," she replied, 24095"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" 24096"You said you were blonde, but you lied!" 24097Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, 24098They had so much in common, you'd say. 24099They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, 24100And prompts that were cute or risque'. 24101He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, 24102She sent one from some past high school day, 24103And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, 24104If they hadn't met in L.A. 24105"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. 24106He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!" 24107And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest 24108If you were not so totally weird!" 24109If she had not said what he wanted to hear, 24110And he had not done just the same, 24111They'd have been far more honest, and never have met, 24112And would not have had fun with the game. 24113 -- Judith Schrier, 24114 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail" 24115% 24116I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, 24117working for scale. 24118 -- The Firesign Theatre, 24119 "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" 24120% 24121I thought YOU silenced the guard! 24122% 24123I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a 24124pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises! 24125 -- Winston Churchill 24126% 24127I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle 24128of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. 24129It's about Russia. 24130 -- Woody Allen 24131% 24132I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce 24133desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of 24134the quest. 24135 -- Madeleine Gobeil 24136% 24137I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything 24138constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast 24139and drown myself in the noise. 24140 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" 24141% 24142I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. 24143 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari 24144% 24145I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. 24146 -- Bill Veeck 24147% 24148I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. 24149 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 24150% 24151I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. 24152The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 24153degrees today," and I said "Oops." 24154 24155In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so 24156I never have to go upstairs. 24157 24158I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in 24159front of it in only eight minutes. 24160 -- Steven Wright 24161% 24162I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. 24163 -- Carole Wallach 24164% 24165I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. 24166 -- Woodrow Wilson 24167% 24168I use technology in order to hate it more properly. 24169 -- Nam June Paik 24170% 24171I used to be a rebel in my youth. 24172This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. 24173Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own 24174problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by 24175a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. 24176I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better 24177I feel these days. 24178 -- J. Feiffer 24179% 24180I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. 24181% 24182I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. 24183 -- Elvis Costello 24184% 24185I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. 24186 -- Mae West 24187% 24188I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me, 24189I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see, 24190I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen, 24191With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down, 24192And I'm, uh, feelin' mean, 24193 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 24194 No more, Mr. Clean, 24195 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 24196They say "He's sick, he's obscene". 24197 24198My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes, 24199Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide, 24200I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose, 24201The reverend Smithy, he recognized me, 24202And punched me in the nose, he said, 24203(chorus) 24204He said "You're sick, you're obscene". 24205 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" 24206% 24207I used to have a drinking problem. 24208Now I love the stuff. 24209% 24210I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had 24211to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. 24212 24213I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks 24214like I'm the only one moving. 24215 24216I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know 24217the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going 24218to be out that long." 24219 24220I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now 24221my car goes 500 miles an hour. 24222 -- Steven Wright 24223% 24224I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because 24225I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no 24226more mature than I am. 24227% 24228I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 24229% 24230I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme 24231foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in 24232loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. 24233 -- Rita Mae Brown 24234% 24235I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in 24236my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. 24237 -- Emo Phillips 24238% 24239I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near 24240the place. 24241 -- Steven Wright 24242% 24243I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I 24244don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected 24245with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, 24246the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier 24247in the summer. 24248 -- Brendan Behan 24249% 24250I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. 24251% 24252I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. 24253 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 24254% 24255I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. 24256Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE 24257HAW'!!" 24258 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" 24259% 24260I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. 24261 -- Freud 24262% 24263I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? 24264% 24265I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued 24266endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of 24267pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of 24268bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an 24269excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically 24270critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud 24271the earth. 24272 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing" 24273% 24274I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I 24275ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 24276 -- Steven Wright 24277% 24278I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know 24279anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is 24280a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows 24281up. 24282 -- Will Rogers 24283% 24284I was born in a barrel of butcher knives 24285Trouble I love and peace I despise 24286Wild horses kicked me in my side 24287Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. 24288 -- Bo Diddley 24289% 24290I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I 24291put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured 24292what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I 24293should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to 24294get off my driveway. 24295 -- Steven Wright 24296% 24297I was eatin' some chop suey, 24298With a lady in St. Louie, 24299When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. 24300And that knocker, he says, "Honey, 24301Roll this rocker out some money, 24302Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." 24303 -- Mr. Miggle 24304% 24305I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. 24306I said I didn't know. 24307 -- Mark Twain 24308% 24309I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live 24310around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." 24311I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." 24312She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a 24313chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so 24314you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like 24315that all the time." 24316 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly" 24317% 24318I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in 24319the mouth by Miss Congeniality. 24320 -- Phyllis Diller 24321% 24322I was in accord with the system so long as it 24323permitted me to function effectively. 24324 -- Albert Speer 24325% 24326I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all 24327these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these 24328kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and 24329I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been 24330avoiding the beach. 24331 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach" 24332% 24333I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a 24334lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. 24335 -- Steven Wright 24336% 24337I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is 24338anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or 24339breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really 24340gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He 24341works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. 24342Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work 24343for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me 24344two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I 24345was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But 24346I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." 24347 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" 24348% 24349I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending 24350their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to 24351buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. 24352 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay 24353% 24354I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a 24355full house and four people died. 24356 -- Steven Wright 24357% 24358I was the best I ever had. 24359 -- Woody Allen 24360% 24361I was toilet-trained at gunpoint. 24362 -- Billy Braver 24363% 24364I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a 24365desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall 24366because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards 24367me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I 24368took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again. 24369% 24370I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. 24371 -- Chico Marx 24372% 24373I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it 24374in the room alone. 24375% 24376I went home with a waitress, 24377The way I always do. 24378How I was I to know? 24379She was with the Russians too. 24380 24381I was gambling in Havana, 24382I took a little risk. 24383Send lawyers, guns, and money, 24384Dad, get me out of this. 24385 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" 24386% 24387I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific. 24388 -- Steven Wright 24389% 24390I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. 24391If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. 24392It's the truth. 24393 -- Charlie Chaplin 24394% 24395I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to 24396expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for 24397stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming 24398the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted 24399to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the 24400answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer 24401showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found 24402an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the 24403program to the point where it would not run at all. 24404 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: 24405 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" 24406% 24407I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. 24408I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" 24409He said "Nothin'." 24410Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm; 24411As if you just squashed a cop. 24412 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song" 24413% 24414I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. 24415Great song. 24416 -- Fred Reuss 24417% 24418I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any 24419questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the 24420speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? 24421 24422He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work 24423for him then. 24424 -- Steven Wright 24425% 24426I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 24427years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors 24428would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they 24429all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" 24430 24431Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had 24432been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. 24433 24434There was a computer in every doorknob. 24435 -- Danny Hillis 24436% 24437I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. 24438I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career 24439of a robber. 24440 -- Tiburcio Vasquez 24441% 24442I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in 24443the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't 24444included. 24445 -- Steven Wright 24446% 24447I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the 24448statues that are in all the other museums. 24449 -- Steven Wright 24450% 24451I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that 24452it took seven others to beat him! 24453% 24454I will always love the false image I had of you. 24455% 24456I will follow the good side right to the fire, 24457but not into it if I can help it. 24458 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 24459% 24460I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the 24461year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The 24462Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out 24463the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the 24464writing on this stone! 24465 -- Charles Dickens 24466% 24467I will make you shorter by the head. 24468 -- Elizabeth I 24469% 24470I will never lie to you. 24471% 24472I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own. 24473% 24474I will not drink! 24475But if I do... 24476I will not get drunk! 24477But if I do... 24478I will not in public! 24479But if I do... 24480I will not fall down! 24481But if I do... 24482I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. 24483% 24484I will not forget you. 24485% 24486I will not play at tug o' war. 24487I'd rather play at hug o' war, 24488Where everyone hugs 24489Instead of tugs, 24490Where everyone giggles 24491And rolls on the rug, 24492Where everyone kisses, 24493And everyone grins, 24494And everyone cuddles, 24495And everyone wins. 24496 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War" 24497% 24498I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new 24499one every day. 24500 -- Heine 24501% 24502I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, 24503we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. 24504 -- Jack Handey 24505% 24506I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula 24507and Superman away. 24508 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 24509% 24510I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the 24511intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't 24512seem to work. 24513 -- Gallagher 24514% 24515I wish you humans would leave me alone. 24516% 24517I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. 24518% 24519I woke up a feelin' mean 24520went down to play the slot machine 24521the wheels turned round, 24522and the letters read 24523"Better head back to Tennessee Jed" 24524 -- Grateful Dead 24525% 24526I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment 24527had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, 24528"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and 24529replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" 24530 -- Steven Wright 24531% 24532"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I 24533know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must 24534be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people 24535I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." 24536 -- Bastian B. Bux 24537% 24538I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? 24539 -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp" 24540% 24541I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 24542"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" 24543 -- Steven Wright 24544% 24545I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one, 24546but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already 24547because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even 24548after we've been home a long while. 24549 -- Casey Stengel 24550% 24551I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, 24552only they won't let me raise my voice. 24553 -- Winkle 24554% 24555I would have made a good pope. 24556 -- Richard M. Nixon 24557% 24558I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have 24559gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the 24560missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. 24561 -- Oliver North 24562% 24563I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block 24564of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the 24565image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we 24566forget or do not know. 24567 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 24568 24569 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 24570 referring to image activation and termination.] 24571% 24572I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in 24573understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, 24574our tasks will be solved. 24575 -- Warren G. Harding 24576% 24577I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection 24578with income tax policies. 24579 -- William F. Buckley 24580% 24581I would like to know 24582What I was fencing in 24583And what I was fencing out. 24584 -- Robert Frost 24585% 24586I would much rather have men ask why 24587I have no statue, than why I have one. 24588 -- Marcus Porcius Cato 24589% 24590I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when 24591they're being taped. 24592 -- Richard M. Nixon 24593 24594I love America. You always hurt the one you love. 24595 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon 24596% 24597I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house 24598and be above ground than reign among the dead. 24599 -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91 24600% 24601I would rather say that a desire to drive fast 24602sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. 24603% 24604I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! 24605% 24606I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. 24607% 24608I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity 24609for everyone, but they've always worked for me. 24610 -- Hunter S. Thompson 24611% 24612I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear 24613them scream. 24614 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", 24615 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since 24616% 24617I 24618am 24619not 24620very 24621happy 24622acting 24623pleased 24624whenever 24625prominent 24626scientists 24627overmagnify 24628intellectual 24629enlightenment 24630% 24631IBM: 24632 [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty 24633 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer 24634 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware 24635 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy 24636 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM 24637 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. 24638% 24639IBM: 24640 I've Been Moved 24641 Idiots Become Managers 24642 Idiots Buy More 24643 Impossible to Buy Machine 24644 Incredibly Big Machine 24645 Industry's Biggest Mistake 24646 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries 24647 It Boggles the Mind 24648 It's Better Manually 24649 Itty-Bitty Machines 24650% 24651IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, 24652who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... 24653 -- with regrets to Douglas Adams 24654% 24655IBM had a PL/I, 24656Its syntax worse than JOSS; 24657And everywhere this language went, 24658It was a total loss. 24659% 24660IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. 24661% 24662IBM Pollyanna Principle: 24663 Machines should work. People should think. 24664% 24665IBM's original motto: 24666 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum. 24667% 24668I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. 24669 -- John Denver 24670 24671[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] 24672% 24673I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 24674% 24675I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 24676 -- Groucho Marx 24677% 24678I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. 24679 -- Princess Leia Organa 24680% 24681I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, 24682above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even 24683feel it. 24684 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 24685% 24686I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. 24687% 24688I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the 24689whole field to private industry. 24690 -- Joseph Heller 24691% 24692I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got 24693to undo it. 24694% 24695I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I 24696snore. 24697% 24698I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in 24699"Y". 24700% 24701I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 24702% 24703I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never 24704came back. 24705% 24706I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay 24707tuned. 24708% 24709I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. 24710 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" 24711% 24712I'd never cry if I did find 24713 A blue whale in my soup... 24714Nor would I mind a porcupine 24715 Inside a chicken coop. 24716Yes life is fine when things combine, 24717 Like ham in beef chow mein... 24718But lord, this time I think I mind, 24719 They've put acid in my rain. 24720 -- Milo Bloom 24721% 24722I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. 24723 -- Groucho Marx 24724% 24725I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. 24726Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. 24727 -- Brenda Starr 24728% 24729I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven. 24730% 24731I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. 24732% 24733I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. 24734 -- Fred Allen 24735 24736[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.] 24737% 24738I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. 24739 -- W. C. Fields 24740% 24741I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. 24742% 24743I'd rather laugh with the sinners, 24744Than cry with the saints, 24745The sinners are much more fun! 24746 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" 24747% 24748I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. 24749% 24750Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like 24751solitary confinement. 24752% 24753Identify your visitor. 24754% 24755Idiot Box, n.: 24756 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 24757 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 24758 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 24759% 24760Idiot, n.: 24761 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human 24762 affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 24763 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 24764% 24765IDLENESS: 24766 Leisure gone to seed. 24767% 24768Idleness is the holiday of fools. 24769% 24770If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick 24771and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your 24772shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this", 24773well that would be enough immortality for me. 24774 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 24775% 24776If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 24777 -- Roy Santoro 24778% 24779If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape 24780at about 30 miles/second. 24781 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming 24782% 24783If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far. 24784 -- Paul White 24785% 24786If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast 24787is a camel's behind. 24788 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 24789% 24790If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? 24791% 24792If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y 24793is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. 24794 -- Albert Einstein 24795% 24796If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. 24797 -- William Blake 24798% 24799If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, 24800there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 24801 -- T. Cheatham 24802% 24803If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he 24804really a guru at all? 24805 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" 24806% 24807If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it 24808is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. 24809 -- Joseph C. Goulden 24810% 24811IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him 24812is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing 24813to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." 24814 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 24815% 24816If a listener nods his head when you're 24817explaining your program, wake him up. 24818% 24819If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. 24820 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 24821% 24822If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. 24823 -- Thomas Wolfe 24824% 24825If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart. 24826If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain. 24827% 24828If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, 24829he will lose his reverence for all of life. 24830 -- Albert Schweitzer 24831% 24832If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the 24833separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, 24834it might well prolong his life. 24835 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 24836% 24837If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, 24838... it expects what never was and never will be. 24839 -- Thomas Jefferson 24840% 24841If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; 24842and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it 24843will lose that, too. 24844 -- W. Somerset Maugham 24845% 24846If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, 24847and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can 24848convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. 24849 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" 24850% 24851If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. 24852% 24853If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. 24854The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position 24855in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of 24856gravity supersedes the law of golf. 24857 -- Donald A. Metz 24858% 24859If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce 24860love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? 24861 -- Saint Augustine 24862% 24863If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response 24864is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the 24865only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did." 24866% 24867If a system is administered wisely, 24868its users will be content. 24869They enjoy hacking their code 24870and don't waste time implementing 24871labor-saving shell scripts. 24872Since they dearly love their accounts, 24873they aren't interested in other machines. 24874There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, 24875but these don't access any hosts. 24876There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, 24877but nobody ever uses them. 24878People enjoy reading their mail, 24879take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, 24880spend weekends working at their terminals, 24881delight in the doings at the site. 24882And even though the next system is so close 24883that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, 24884they are content to die of old age 24885without ever having gone to see it. 24886% 24887If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. 24888If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the 24889game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of 24890course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make 24891goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? 24892 -- Sparky Anderson 24893% 24894If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. 24895 -- G. K. Chesterton 24896% 24897If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. 24898 -- W. C. Fields 24899% 24900If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? 24901% 24902If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever 24903to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude 24904that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. 24905 -- Rob Stampfli 24906% 24907If all be true that I do think, 24908There be five reasons why one should drink; 24909Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 24910Or lest we should be by-and-by, 24911Or any other reason why. 24912% 24913If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. 24914 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 24915% 24916If all else fails, lower your standards. 24917% 24918If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? 24919% 24920If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot 24921platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave 24922that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. 24923% 24924If all the seas were ink, 24925And all the reeds were pens, 24926And all the skies were parchment, 24927And all the men could write, 24928These would not suffice 24929To write down all the red tape 24930Of this Government. 24931% 24932If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 24933 -- Paul Beatty 24934% 24935If all the world's economists were laid end to end, 24936we wouldn't reach a conclusion. 24937 -- William Baumol 24938% 24939If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, 24940and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, 24941not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on 24942camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even 24943responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs 24944collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never 24945have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. 24946 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television 24947 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional". 24948% 24949If an S and an I and an O and a U 24950With an X at the end spell Su; 24951And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 24952Pray what is a speller to do? 24953Then, if also an S and an I and a G 24954And an HED spell side, 24955There's nothing much left for a speller to do 24956But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 24957 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 24958% 24959If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last 24960car he ever lays down in front of. 24961 -- George Wallace 24962% 24963If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, 24964let him become president of Harvard. 24965 -- Edward Holyoke 24966% 24967If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. 24968We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, 24969blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his 24970tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". 24971% 24972If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 24973% 24974If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 24975% 24976If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. 24977% 24978If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 24979% 24980If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 24981% 24982If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 24983 -- W. E. Hickson 24984% 24985If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 24986Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 24987 -- W. C. Fields 24988 24989[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.] 24990% 24991If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. 24992% 24993If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. 24994 -- Leonard Levinson 24995% 24996If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again. 24997% 24998If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is 24999identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a 25000collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then 25001I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as 25002plentiful as blackberries. 25003 -- Leslie Stephen 25004% 25005If bankers can count, how come they have 25006eight windows and only four tellers? 25007% 25008If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by 25009some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. 25010 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 25011% 25012If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing 25013but illegal purposes. 25014 -- J. Edgar Hoover 25015% 25016If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 25017% 25018If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. 25019 -- William Blake 25020% 25021If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James 25022Watt's office. 25023 -- Wayne Shannon 25024% 25025If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line. 25026% 25027If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will 25028serve us right. 25029 -- Alistair Cooke 25030% 25031If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 25032% 25033If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? 25034% 25035If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, 25036there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses 25037is a fraud. 25038 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" 25039% 25040If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can 25041do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without 25042no middleman. 25043 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody" 25044% 25045If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed 25046him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. 25047 -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" 25048% 25049If everybody minded their own business, the world would go 25050around a deal faster. 25051 -- The Duchess; Lewis Carroll, 25052 "Through the Looking-Glass, 25053 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 25054% 25055If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. 25056% 25057If everything on the road of life seems to 25058be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 25059% 25060If everything seems to be going well, 25061you have obviously overlooked something. 25062% 25063If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. 25064 -- Bertrand Russell 25065% 25066If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up. 25067% 25068If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there 25069is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an 25070exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception 25071after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of 25072exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there 25073can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. 25074 -- Bill Boquist 25075% 25076If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. 25077 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" 25078% 25079If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three 25080to a can. 25081% 25082If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. 25083% 25084If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. 25085% 25086If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 25087% 25088If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 25089% 25090If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. 25091% 25092If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. 25093% 25094If God had meant for us to be in the Army, 25095we would have been born with green, baggy skin. 25096% 25097If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 25098% 25099If God had not given us sticky tape, 25100it would have been necessary to invent it. 25101% 25102If God had really intended men to fly, 25103he'd make it easier to get to the airport. 25104 -- George Winters 25105% 25106If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would 25107have made them cute and furry. 25108 -- Dave Barry 25109% 25110If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 25111only ten apostles. 25112% 25113If God had wanted you to go around nude, 25114He would have given you bigger hands. 25115% 25116If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, 25117He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. 25118% 25119If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 25120% 25121If God is One, what is bad? 25122 -- Charles Manson 25123% 25124If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 25125% 25126If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. 25127 -- Yiddish saying 25128% 25129If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 25130 -- Marvin Kitman 25131% 25132If God wanted us to have a President, 25133He would have sent us a candidate. 25134 -- Jerry Dreshfield 25135% 25136If graphics hackers are so smart, 25137why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? 25138% 25139If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. 25140 -- Chinese proverb 25141% 25142If he had only learnt a little less, how 25143infinitely better he might have taught much more! 25144% 25145If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days 25146and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to 25147think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. 25148 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia" 25149% 25150If he should ever change his faith, 25151it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God. 25152% 25153If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. 25154 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 25155% 25156If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! 25157 -- Samuel Goldwyn 25158% 25159If I could read your mind, love, 25160What a tale your thoughts could tell, 25161Just like a paperback novel, 25162The kind the drugstore sells, 25163When you reach the part where the heartaches come, 25164The hero would be me, 25165Heroes often fail, 25166You won't read that book again, because 25167 the ending is just too hard to take. 25168 25169I walk away, like a movie star, 25170Who gets burned in a three way script, 25171Enter number two, 25172A movie queen to play the scene 25173Of bringing all the good things out in me, 25174But for now, love, let's be real 25175I never thought I could act this way, 25176And I've got to say that I just don't get it, 25177I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone 25178And I just can't get it back... 25179 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind" 25180% 25181If I could stick my pen in my heart, 25182I would spill it all over the stage. 25183Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya, 25184Would you think the boy was strange? 25185Ain't he strange? 25186... 25187If I could stick a knife in my heart, 25188Suicide right on the stage, 25189Would it be enough for your teenage lust, 25190Would it help to ease the pain? 25191Ease your brain? 25192 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" 25193% 25194If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean? 25195 -- Danno Coppock 25196% 25197If I don't drive around the park, 25198I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 25199If I'm in bed each night by ten, 25200I may get back my looks again. 25201If I abstain from fun and such, 25202I'll probably amount to much; 25203But I shall stay the way I am, 25204Because I do not give a damn. 25205 -- Dorothy Parker 25206% 25207If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. 25208% 25209If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. 25210Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's 25211as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for 25212you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it. 25213 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 25214% 25215If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. 25216% 25217IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's 25218got to be a better way. 25219 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 25220% 25221If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, 25222I'd sell the plantation and go home. 25223 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 25224% 25225If I had any humility I would be perfect. 25226 -- Ted Turner 25227% 25228If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from 25229a laboratory jar at Harvard. 25230 -- Frank Sinatra 25231 25232AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. 25233 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine 25234% 25235If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I 25236would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this 25237trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. 25238I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd 25239travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. 25240You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly 25241and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, 25242if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to 25243have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many 25244years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere 25245without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. 25246If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel 25247lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed 25248earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky 25249more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would 25250ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. 25251% 25252If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 25253 -- Albert Einstein 25254% 25255If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. 25256 -- Tallulah Bankhead 25257% 25258If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. 25259% 25260If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 25261shoulders of giants. 25262 -- Isaac Newton 25263 25264In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with 25265the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 25266 -- Gerald Holton 25267 25268If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on 25269my shoulders. 25270 -- Hal Abelson 25271 25272Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. 25273 -- Gauss 25274 25275Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists 25276stand on each other's toes. 25277 -- Richard Hamming 25278 25279It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If 25280this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and 25281software engineers dig each other's graves. 25282 -- Unknown 25283% 25284If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. 25285 -- Bob Hope 25286% 25287If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, 25288I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. 25289 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant 25290% 25291If I love you, what business is it of yours? 25292 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 25293% 25294If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I 25295just couldn't help myself. 25296 -- Adolf Hitler 25297% 25298If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? 25299 -- Alan Parsons Project 25300% 25301If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think 25302I'm an engineer working on something. 25303 -- S. R. McElroy 25304% 25305If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 25306% 25307If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 25308As Dame Fortune did intend, 25309Murphy would be there to tell me 25310The pot's at the other end. 25311 -- Bert Whitney 25312% 25313If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. 25314% 25315If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could 25316work for with a great deal of enjoyment. 25317 -- Douglas Jerrold 25318% 25319If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it 25320because I can't swim. 25321 -- Bob Stanfield 25322% 25323If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, 25324I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. 25325 -- G. Hirst 25326% 25327If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 25328% 25329If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? 25330 -- Jerry Muscha 25331% 25332If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the 25333answer can be obtained by simple inspection. 25334% 25335If in doubt, mumble. 25336% 25337If it ain't baroque, don't fix it. 25338% 25339If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 25340% 25341If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. 25342 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls 25343% 25344If it happens once, it's a bug. 25345If it happens twice, it's a feature. 25346If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. 25347% 25348If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly. 25349% 25350If it heals good, say it. 25351% 25352If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will 25353answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary. 25354 -- Samuel Clemens 25355% 25356If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. 25357% 25358If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work 25359it's physics. 25360% 25361If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement. 25362 -- Ronald Reagan 25363% 25364If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. 25365% 25366If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 25367% 25368If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. 25369% 25370If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable. 25371 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables" 25372% 25373If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, 25374I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down 25375the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- 25376forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp 25377of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. 25378 -- James Dickey 25379% 25380If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. 25381% 25382If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 25383% 25384If it's worth doing, do it for money. 25385% 25386If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. 25387% 25388If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. 25389% 25390If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 25391They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make 25392fun of it. 25393 -- Thomas Carlyle 25394% 25395If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to 25396send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the 25397other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces 25398of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why 25399they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, 25400they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep 25401them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... 25402 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie 25403% 25404If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, 25405had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. 25406 -- Karl Marx's Mother 25407% 25408If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. 25409% 25410If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 25411% 25412If life is merely a joke, the question 25413still remains: for whose amusement? 25414% 25415If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? 25416% 25417If little else, the brain is an educational toy. 25418 -- Tom Robbins 25419% 25420If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 25421you've got in the house. 25422 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 25423% 25424If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? 25425 -- Lily Tomlin 25426% 25427If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low 25428 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 25429% 25430If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. 25431 -- Phil Lapsley 25432% 25433If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. 25434% 25435If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. 25436 -- Mary Wilson Little 25437% 25438If mathematically you end up with the wrong 25439answer, try multiplying by the page number. 25440% 25441If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would 25442be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. 25443 -- Frances Rodman 25444% 25445If men are not afraid to die, 25446it is of no avail to threaten them with death. 25447 25448If men live in constant fear of dying, 25449And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, 25450Who will dare to break the law? 25451 25452There is always an official executioner. 25453If you try to take his place, 25454It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. 25455If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, 25456 you will only hurt your hand. 25457 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" 25458% 25459If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. 25460% 25461If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would 25462be a merrier world. 25463 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 25464% 25465If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little 25466of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, 25467and from that to incivility and procrastination. 25468 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859) 25469% 25470If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and 25471over again, there is no use in reading it at all. 25472 -- Oscar Wilde 25473% 25474If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection 25475of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching 25476in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not 25477far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the 25478various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, 25479it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any 25480connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would 25481get an unfair advantage. 25482 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 25483% 25484If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. 25485 -- Albert Einstein 25486% 25487If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. 25488 -- Oscar Wilde, 25489 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young" 25490% 25491If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? 25492 -- Woody Allen 25493% 25494If only God would give me some clear sign! 25495Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. 25496 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 25497% 25498If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. 25499% 25500If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. 25501% 25502If only you knew she loved you, you could 25503face the uncertainty of whether you love her. 25504% 25505If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. 25506% 25507If parents would only realize how they bore their children. 25508 -- George Bernard Shaw 25509% 25510If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, 25511he should see how bad it is with representation. 25512% 25513If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, 25514then we are a sorry lot indeed. 25515 -- Albert Einstein 25516% 25517If people concentrated on the really important things in life, 25518there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. 25519 -- Doug Larson 25520% 25521If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off. 25522 -- Edward E. Hippensteel 25523 25524[What brand of ink? Ed.] 25525% 25526If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they 25527will take sandwiches. 25528 -- Lord Boyd-orr 25529 25530Eats first, morals after. 25531 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 25532% 25533If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, 25534I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. 25535 -- Hermann Goering 25536% 25537If people see that you mean them no harm, 25538they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! 25539% 25540If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? 25541% 25542If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime 25543Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by 25544an optional preceding '+'). 25545 -- POSIX 2001 25546 25547The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of 25548(i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time. 25549 -- RFC 2822 25550% 25551If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. 25552 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" 25553% 25554If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? 25555% 25556If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst. 25557% 25558If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? 25559% 25560If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. 25561 -- Tom Wicker 25562% 25563If researchers wrote nursery rhymes... 25564 25565Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region, 25566Eating components of soured milk. 25567On at least one occasion, 25568 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her, 25569Or at least in her vicinity, 25570And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear, 25571Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly. 25572 -- Ann Melugin Williams 25573% 25574If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with 25575pool cues, who would win? 25576 1) Ricky Schroder 25577 2) Gary Coleman 25578 3) The television viewing public 25579 -- David Letterman 25580% 25581If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice? 25582 -- James Nicoll 25583% 25584If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 25585arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical 25586world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by 25587the use of the mathematics of probability. 25588 -- Vannevar Bush 25589% 25590If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many 25591books on how to? 25592 -- Bette Midler 25593% 25594If she had not been cupric in her ions, 25595Her shape ovoidal, 25596Their romance might have flourished. 25597But he built tetrahedral in his shape, 25598His ions ferric, 25599Love could not help but die, 25600Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished. 25601% 25602If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. 25603 -- Robert Frost 25604% 25605If some people didn't tell you, 25606you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. 25607% 25608If someone had told me I would be Pope 25609one day, I would have studied harder. 25610 -- Pope John Paul I 25611% 25612If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. 25613% 25614If something has not yet gone wrong then it would 25615ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong. 25616% 25617If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the 25618way they do? 25619% 25620If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem. 25621 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 25622% 25623If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would 25624presumably flunk it. 25625 -- Stanley Garn 25626% 25627If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a 25628Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, 25629and explode once a year killing everyone inside. 25630 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld 25631% 25632If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, 25633this would be a better world. 25634 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 25635% 25636If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 25637 -- Norm Schryer 25638% 25639If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get 25640the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in 25641college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural 25642method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall 25643learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should 25644be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the 25645young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. 25646I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not 25647by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise 25648instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the 25649attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, 25650not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to 25651put on a professor. 25652 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 25653% 25654If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five 25655steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same 25656principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful 25657feature, that. 25658 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990 25659% 25660If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? 25661 -- Robert Moses 25662% 25663If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical 25664would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. 25665 -- Doug Larson 25666 25667[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] 25668% 25669If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. 25670 -- Albert Einstein 25671% 25672If the future isn't what it used to be, does that 25673mean that the past is subject to change in times to come? 25674% 25675If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough. 25676Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life. 25677% 25678If the government doesn't trust the people, why 25679doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people? 25680% 25681If the grass is greener on other side of fence, 25682consider what may be fertilizing it. 25683% 25684If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, 25685we would be so simple we couldn't. 25686% 25687If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for 25688me! 25689 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) 25690% 25691If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, 25692I would have recommended something simpler. 25693 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, 25694 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy. 25695% 25696If the master dies and the disciple grieves, 25697the lives of both have been wasted. 25698% 25699If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, 25700then this sentence would not be false. 25701% 25702If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be 25703goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. 25704 -- Frank Zappa 25705% 25706If the odds are a million to one against something 25707occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. 25708% 25709If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. 25710 -- Anatole France 25711% 25712If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, 25713what a living the poor could make! 25714% 25715If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 25716% 25717If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon, 25718the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary. 25719 -- Chris Torek 25720% 25721If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will. 25722% 25723If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. 25724Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count 25725on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, 25726paper folding, or something. 25727 -- C. Philip Wood 25728% 25729If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. 25730 -- Chief Dan George 25731% 25732If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 25733If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 25734If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, 25735church attendance will exceed all expectations. 25736 -- Reverend Chichester 25737% 25738If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 25739% 25740If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that 25741will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 25742% 25743If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing 25744of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur 25745of this life. 25746 -- Albert Camus 25747% 25748If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. 25749 -- Edward A. Murphy, Jr. 25750% 25751If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you 25752can't afford divorce. 25753 -- Jack Nicholson 25754% 25755If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 25756 -- Art Hoppe 25757% 25758If there is no wind, row. 25759 -- Polish proverb 25760% 25761If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would 25762have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule. 25763 -- Saul Goodman 25764% 25765If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. 25766% 25767If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three 25768years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law 25769school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. 25770 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method 25771% 25772If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make 25773something out of you. 25774 -- Muhammad Ali 25775% 25776If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all? 25777% 25778If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, 25779go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These 25780days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire 25781to crudeness... 25782 -- Johnny Mnemonic 25783% 25784If they were so inclined, they could impeach 25785him because they don't like his necktie. 25786 -- Attorney General William Saxbe 25787% 25788If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. 25789% 25790If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 25791% 25792If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 25793It's not time yet. 25794% 25795If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 25796% 25797If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was 25798yesterday? 25799% 25800If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? 25801 -- Lily Tomlin 25802% 25803If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 25804doing the thinking. 25805 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 25806 25807Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his 25808helmet off. 25809 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 25810 25811I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign 25812itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. 25813 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 25814% 25815If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. 25816 -- Ernest Hemingway 25817% 25818If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely. 25819% 25820If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 25821If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 25822% 25823If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system. 25824% 25825If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. 25826 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting" 25827% 25828If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would 25829all be millionaires. 25830 -- Abigail Van Buren 25831% 25832If we do not change our direction we are 25833likely to end up where we are headed. 25834% 25835If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. 25836 -- John Sinclair 25837% 25838If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time 25839of it. 25840 -- Oscar Wilde 25841% 25842If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our 25843findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive. 25844 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on 25845 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex 25846 crimes. 25847% 25848If we see the light at the end of the tunnel 25849It's the light of an oncoming train. 25850 -- Robert Lowell 25851% 25852If we spoke a different language, we 25853would perceive a somewhat different world. 25854 -- Wittgenstein 25855% 25856If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, 25857we encourage it, and involve others in our doom. 25858 -- Samuel Adams 25859% 25860If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage. 25861% 25862If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us 25863with alarm clocks. 25864% 25865If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance. 25866% 25867If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to 25868do something else. 25869 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 25870% 25871If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 25872in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 25873qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 25874 -- Marguerite Emmons 25875% 25876If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. 25877% 25878If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the 25879beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its 25880lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days 25881women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? 25882 -- Gloria Steinem 25883% 25884If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. 25885 -- Aristotle Onassis 25886% 25887If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer. 25888Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter 25889than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is. 25890 -- Andrew Plotkin 25891% 25892If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. 25893Quit work and play for once! 25894% 25895If you analyse anything, you destroy it. 25896 -- Arthur Miller 25897% 25898If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? 25899 -- Ann Edwards-Duff 25900% 25901If you are a police dog, where's your badge? 25902 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd 25903 crazy. 25904% 25905If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 25906 -- Anton Chekov 25907% 25908If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. 25909% 25910If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real 25911good, you will get out of it. 25912% 25913If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, 25914your honesty is corrupt. 25915% 25916If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no 25917longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal. 25918 -- Abigail Van Buren 25919% 25920If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? 25921If you are for yourself, then what are you? 25922If not now, when? 25923% 25924If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient 25925evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than 25926words. 25927 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 25928% 25929If you are over 80 years old and accompanied 25930by your parents, we will cash your check. 25931% 25932If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; 25933over 80 you are neglecting your golf. 25934 -- Walter Hagen 25935% 25936If you are smart enough to know that you're not 25937smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business. 25938% 25939If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy. 25940% 25941If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? 25942% 25943If you aren't rich you should always look useful. 25944 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine 25945% 25946If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. 25947 -- J. Paul Getty 25948% 25949If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 25950% 25951If you can not say it, you can not whistle it, either. 25952 -- Wittgenstein 25953% 25954If you can read this, you're too close. 25955% 25956If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 25957% 25958If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 25959 -- Harry S. Truman 25960% 25961If you cannot in the long run tell everyone 25962what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. 25963 -- Edwin Schrodinger 25964% 25965If you can't be good, be careful. 25966If you can't be careful, give me a call. 25967% 25968If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. 25969% 25970If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 25971% 25972If you can't read this, blame a teacher. 25973% 25974If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. 25975 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 25976% 25977If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. 25978% 25979If you catch a man, throw him back. 25980 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975 25981% 25982If you continually give you will continually have. 25983% 25984If you could only get that wonderful feeling of 25985accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 25986% 25987If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 25988% 25989If you didn't have most of your friends, 25990you wouldn't have most of your problems. 25991% 25992If you didn't have to work so hard, 25993you'd have more time to be depressed. 25994% 25995If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. 25996 -- John Galsworthy 25997% 25998If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about 25999it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. 26000 -- Carlyle 26001% 26002If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. 26003% 26004If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 26005% 26006If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists 26007in the Bible. 26008 -- Mordecai Richler 26009% 26010If you don't do it, you'll never know what 26011would have happened if you had done it. 26012% 26013If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will? 26014% 26015If you don't drink it, someone else will. 26016% 26017If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 26018 -- Clarence Day 26019% 26020If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. 26021 -- Freeman Dyson 26022% 26023If you don't have the time right now, 26024will you have redo right time later? 26025% 26026If you don't have time to do it right, where 26027are you going to find the time to do it over? 26028% 26029If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is. 26030% 26031If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! 26032% 26033If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. 26034 -- Calvin Coolidge 26035% 26036If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. 26037 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking 26038% 26039If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little 26040Lavoris in the toilet. 26041 -- Jay Leno 26042% 26043If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. 26044% 26045If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to 26046either of you for the rest of the day. 26047% 26048If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to 26049have to get a toehold in the public eye. 26050% 26051If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program 26052an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that 26053it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention 26054will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything 26055it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff 26056around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming 26057carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted 26058raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know 26059what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs 26060properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a 26061gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network 26062numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before 26063you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all 26064over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he 26065was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong 26066network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your 26067software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network 26068number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed 26069in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you 26070get my drift. 26071% 26072If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody 26073will. 26074% 26075If you explain something so clearly that no 26076one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. 26077% 26078If you fail to plan, plan to fail. 26079% 26080If you find a solution and become attached to it, 26081the solution may become your next problem. 26082% 26083If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed. 26084% 26085If you float on instinct alone, how can you 26086calculate the buoyancy for the computed load? 26087 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams 26088% 26089If you fool around with something long 26090enough, it will eventually break. 26091% 26092If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office. 26093% 26094If you give Congress a chance to vote on 26095both sides of an issue, it will always do it. 26096 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin 26097% 26098If you go on with this nuclear arms race, 26099all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. 26100 -- Winston Churchill 26101% 26102If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, 26103so as not to disturb those around you. 26104% 26105If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are 26106all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were 26107swimming. 26108 -- Jack Handey 26109% 26110If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. 26111% 26112If you had better tools, you could more 26113effectively demonstrate your total incompetence. 26114% 26115If you had just one moment to live 26116And they granted you one special wish 26117Would you ask for something 26118Like another chance. 26119 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys" 26120% 26121If you hands are clean and your cause is just 26122and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. 26123% 26124If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 26125% 26126If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. 26127 -- Bette Davis 26128% 26129If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. 26130% 26131If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a 26132new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, 26133does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must 26134make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. 26135The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if 26136you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer 26137will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with 26138cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the 26139dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion 26140of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things 26141straight. 26142 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style" 26143% 26144If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all. 26145 -- Spiro Agnew 26146% 26147If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. 26148% 26149If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. 26150 -- Louis Armstrong 26151% 26152If you have to hate, hate gently. 26153% 26154If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong. 26155% 26156If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career 26157in chartered accountancy beckons. 26158 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic 26159 Systems course. 26160% 26161If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a 26162hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. 26163 -- Neil Bogart 26164% 26165If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot 26166yourself in the posterior. 26167 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" 26168% 26169If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. 26170% 26171If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of 26172rubbish into it. 26173 -- William Orton 26174% 26175If you knew what to say next, would you say it? 26176% 26177If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. 26178 -- Petersen Nesbit 26179% 26180If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. 26181 -- Mark Twain 26182% 26183If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end... 26184you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast. 26185 -- David Letterman 26186% 26187If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 26188365 useless things. 26189% 26190If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was 26191probably worth it. 26192% 26193If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. 26194% 26195If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 26196 -- Graham Summer 26197% 26198If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. 26199 -- Simone De Beauvoir 26200% 26201If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made 26202because very few people die past the age of a hundred. 26203 -- George Burns 26204% 26205If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets 26206and fire them all off, wouldn't you? 26207 -- Garrison Keillor 26208% 26209If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life. 26210 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant 26211% 26212If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor. 26213If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor. 26214% 26215If you lose a son you can always get another, 26216but there's only one Maltese Falcon. 26217 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 26218% 26219If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, 26220he'll get rich or famous or both. 26221% 26222If you love someone, set them free. 26223If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk. 26224% 26225If you love something set it free. If it doesn't 26226come back to you, hunt it down and kill it. 26227% 26228If you make a mistake you right it 26229immediately to the best of your ability. 26230% 26231If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year 26232with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. 26233 -- The Best of Will Rogers 26234% 26235If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 26236but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 26237% 26238If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll 26239be married to a man who cheats on his wife. 26240 -- Ann Landers 26241% 26242If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. 26243 -- Schmidt 26244% 26245If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. 26246Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands. 26247% 26248If you need anything just whistle. 26249You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? 26250Just put your lips together and blow. 26251 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not" 26252% 26253If you notice that a person is deceiving you, 26254they must not be deceiving you very well. 26255% 26256If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 26257 -- Maslow 26258% 26259If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 26260can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly 26261develop. 26262% 26263If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite 26264you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 26265 -- Mark Twain 26266% 26267If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 26268you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 26269ice, but no cup. 26270% 26271If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But 26272this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is 26273somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. 26274% 26275If you put it off long enough, it might go away. 26276% 26277If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. 26278But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, 26279is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it. 26280 -- Pierre Gallois 26281% 26282If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a 26283restaurant. 26284 -- Snoopy 26285% 26286If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it. 26287Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have 26288something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because 26289they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because 26290they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them 26291if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains 26292-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death. 26293 -- Hermann Goering 26294% 26295If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. 26296% 26297If you remember the 60's, you weren't there. 26298% 26299If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire 26300deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading 26301are precisely those that challenge our convictions. 26302% 26303If you see an onion ring -- answer it! 26304% 26305If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. 26306But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. 26307 -- Swami Prabhupada 26308% 26309If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're 26310the sucker. 26311% 26312If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. 26313% 26314If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. 26315% 26316If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from 26317many it's research. 26318 -- Wilson Mizner 26319% 26320If you stew apples like cranberries, 26321they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. 26322 -- Groucho Marx 26323% 26324If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 26325It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 26326 Or some joker who is slicker, 26327 Will trick you of your liquor, 26328If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 26329% 26330If you stick your head in the sand, 26331one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked. 26332% 26333If you suspect a man, don't employ him. 26334% 26335If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have 26336schizophrenia. 26337 -- Thomas Szasz 26338% 26339If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble 26340then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real 26341harm. 26342% 26343If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. 26344 -- Mark Twain 26345% 26346If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. 26347% 26348If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 26349 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 26350% 26351If you think last Tuesday was a drag, 26352wait till you see what happens tomorrow! 26353% 26354If you think nobody cares if you're alive, 26355try missing a couple of car payments. 26356 -- Earl Wilson 26357% 26358If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you 26359don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology. 26360 -- Bruce Schneier 26361% 26362If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time 26363someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with 26364your Bic. 26365% 26366If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 26367 -- Arthur Kasspe 26368% 26369If you think the system is working, 26370ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. 26371% 26372If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 26373shopping center in the world? 26374 -- Richard M. Nixon 26375% 26376If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you 26377lack sufficient imagination. 26378% 26379If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be 26380to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to 26381say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party 26382next year. 26383 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake 26384 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if 26385they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious 26386to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 26387parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having 26388another one ... 26389 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, 26390unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 26391through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that 26392they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, 26393your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 26394 -- Dave Barry 26395% 26396If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined 26397them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! 26398 -- Mr. Interesting 26399% 26400If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 26401end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 26402 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" 26403% 26404If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time. 26405 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 26406% 26407If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. 26408% 26409If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. 26410 -- Abraham Lincoln 26411% 26412If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having 26413done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back. 26414% 26415If you want divine justice, die. 26416 -- Nick Seldon 26417% 26418If you want me to be a good little bunny 26419just dangle some carats in front of my nose. 26420 -- Lauren Bacall 26421% 26422If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. 26423 -- Michelet 26424% 26425If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's 26426read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves. 26427 -- Don Marquis 26428% 26429If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. 26430% 26431If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people 26432he gave it to. 26433 -- Dorothy Parker 26434% 26435If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. 26436 -- Woody Allen 26437% 26438If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. 26439% 26440If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate 26441books. 26442 -- Alan King 26443% 26444If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. 26445 -- Harry Blackstone 26446% 26447If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 26448Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. 26449Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory 26450containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with 26451the word "National". 26452 -- George Will 26453% 26454If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word 26455you say, talk in your sleep. 26456% 26457If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 26458memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, 26459even if they don't know what it means. 26460 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" 26461% 26462If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. 26463% 26464If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that 26465fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and 26466heartbeats. 26467% 26468If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. 26469If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. 26470If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. 26471If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. 26472 -- Chinese proverb 26473% 26474If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. 26475% 26476If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. 26477% 26478If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur 26479boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. 26480 -- Anton Chekov 26481% 26482If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him. 26483If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak 26484 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents. 26485If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness. 26486If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your 26487 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... 26488 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it. 26489If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the 26490 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will 26491 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason 26492 why. 26493% 26494If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. 26495% 26496If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. 26497 -- Benjamin Franklin 26498% 26499If you would understand your own age, read the works 26500of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. 26501% 26502If you'd like to cultivate insomnia, 26503Bed down with a pretty girl. 26504Amor vincit omnia. 26505% 26506If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. 26507% 26508If your bread is stale, make toast. 26509% 26510If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out. 26511If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head. 26512 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince" 26513% 26514If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, 26515I guess you do have a problem. 26516 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 26517% 26518If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. 26519% 26520If your mind grows weak, 26521Don't yield to the weakness. 26522Even if tired of thought, 26523Never stop thinking. 26524My sons and descendants, 26525Don't get exhausted in reason-- 26526But become experienced. 26527 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 26528% 26529If your mother knew what you're doing, 26530she'd probably hang her head and cry. 26531% 26532If your parents don't have kids, neither will you. 26533% 26534If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no 26535longer be fantasies. 26536 -- Fran Lebowitz 26537% 26538If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real 26539embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 26540 -- Jack Handey 26541% 26542If you're careful enough, nothing 26543bad or good will ever happen to you. 26544% 26545If you're carrying a torch, put it down. 26546The Olympics are over. 26547% 26548If you're constantly being mistreated, 26549you're cooperating with the treatment. 26550% 26551If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four 26552strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work 26553together yet. 26554 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89 26555% 26556If you're going to America, bring your own food. 26557 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 26558% 26559If you're going to do something tonight 26560that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. 26561 -- Henny Youngman 26562% 26563If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. 26564% 26565If you're happy, you're successful. 26566% 26567If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 26568% 26569If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 26570 -- Benjamin Disraeli 26571% 26572If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? 26573% 26574If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, 26575As well as by traffic and crime, 26576Consider how worry-free gophers are, 26577Though living on burrowed time. 26578 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 26579% 26580If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 26581off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe. 26582 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 26583% 26584If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 26585 -- Ronald Reagan 26586% 26587Ignisecond, n.: 26588 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 26589 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 26590 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 26591% 26592Ignorance is bliss. 26593 -- Thomas Gray 26594 26595Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: 26596 BLISS is ignorance. 26597% 26598Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the 26599rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. 26600 -- Franklin K. Dane 26601% 26602Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. 26603% 26604Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people 26605so resolutely pursuing it. 26606% 26607Ignore previous fortune. 26608% 26609Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux 26610 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 26611Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, 26612 Et le m^omerade horgrave. 26613 -- Lewis Carroll, 26614 "Through the Looking-Glass, 26615 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 26616% 26617Iles's Law: 26618 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly 26619 at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see 26620 it. Neither will Iles. 26621% 26622I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. 26623 -- Lenny Bruce 26624% 26625I'll be Grateful when they're Dead. 26626% 26627I'll burn my books. 26628 -- Christopher Marlowe 26629% 26630I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, 26631carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, 26632I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun. 26633 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H 26634% 26635I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd 26636listen to it! 26637 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire 26638% 26639I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's 26640in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. 26641 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" 26642% 26643I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 26644Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 26645And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 26646And in our bound partition never part. 26647 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 26648% 26649I'll learn to play the Saxophone, 26650I play just what I feel. 26651Drink Scotch whisky all night long, 26652And die behind the wheel. 26653They got a name for the winners in the world, 26654I want a name when I lose. 26655They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, 26656Call me Deacon Blues. 26657 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues" 26658% 26659I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon... 26660 -- Pink Floyd 26661% 26662I'll never get off this planet. 26663 -- Luke Skywalker 26664% 26665I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me. 26666% 26667I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. 26668That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood. 26669 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] 26670% 26671I'll turn over a new leaf. 26672 -- Miguel de Cervantes 26673% 26674Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask 26675any Indian. 26676 -- Robert Orben 26677 26678Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 26679 -- Jack Paar 26680% 26681Illegitimi non carborundum 26682(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.) 26683% 26684Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot: 26685it's more like the land He's trying to ignore. 26686% 26687Illiterate? Write today, for free help! 26688% 26689Illusion is the first of all pleasures. 26690 -- Voltaire 26691% 26692I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe 26693that I could have evolved from man. 26694% 26695"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 26696 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of 26697 the idea of a doomsday machine. 26698"I'm a doctor, not an escalator." 26699 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant 26700 Ellen up a steep incline. 26701"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer." 26702 -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. 26703"I'm a doctor, not an engineer." 26704 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in 26705 Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise. 26706"I'm a doctor, not a coal miner." 26707 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. 26708"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." 26709 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark 26710 that Kirk talked strangely. 26711"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor." 26712 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the 26713 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4. 26714"What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?" 26715 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a 26716 physical exam to answer the alert. 26717% 26718I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on 26719a sports jacket and take off my brain. 26720% 26721I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! 26722% 26723I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to 26724thank everyone for making this night necessary. 26725 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor 26726% 26727I'm all for computer dating, but I 26728wouldn't want one to marry my sister. 26729% 26730I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will 26731eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*.... 26732 -- A. Lyman Chapin 26733% 26734I'm always looking for a new idea that 26735will be more productive than its cost. 26736 -- David Rockefeller 26737% 26738I'm an artist. 26739But it's not what I really want to do. 26740What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman. 26741I know what you're going to say -- 26742"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds." 26743All right! But it's what I want to do. 26744Instead I have to go on painting all day long. 26745 26746The world should make a place for shoe salesmen. 26747 -- J. Feiffer 26748% 26749I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe 26750that I could have been created by man. 26751% 26752I'm changing my name to Chrysler 26753I'm going down to Washington, D.C. 26754I'll tell some power broker 26755 What they did for Iacocca 26756Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 26757I'm changing my name to Chrysler, 26758I'm heading for that great receiving line. 26759When they hand a million grand out, 26760 I'll be standing with my hand out, 26761Yessir, I'll get mine! 26762 -- Tom Paxton 26763% 26764I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. 26765% 26766"I'm dying," he croaked. 26767"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted. 26768"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. 26769"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. 26770"The fire is going out," he bellowed. 26771"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. 26772"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me. 26773"You snake," she rattled. 26774"Someone's at the door," she chimed. 26775"Company's coming," she guessed. 26776"Dawn came too soon," she mourned. 26777"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. 26778"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. 26779"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly. 26780"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. 26781 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" 26782% 26783I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. 26784 -- George McGovern 26785% 26786I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults. 26787 -- Gore Vidal 26788% 26789I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. 26790% 26791I'm glad I was not born before tea. 26792 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) 26793% 26794I'm glad that I'm an American, 26795I'm glad that I am free, 26796But I wish I were a little doggy, 26797And McGovern were a tree. 26798% 26799I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens 26800every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share 26801it with you. 26802 26803> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and 26804 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. 26805> And in LA it's 72. 26806 26807> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity 26808 is a million percent. 26809> And in LA it's 72. 26810 26811> In New York there are a million interesting people. 26812> And in LA there are 72. 26813% 26814I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 26815 -- Fred Allen 26816% 26817I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. 26818 -- Woody Allen 26819% 26820I'm going to live forever, or die trying! 26821 -- Spider Robinson 26822% 26823I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. 26824 -- John Foreman 26825% 26826I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson 26827says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. 26828 -- Bob Hope 26829% 26830I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. 26831% 26832I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? 26833 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate 26834% 26835I'm just as sad as sad can be! 26836 I've missed your special date. 26837Please say that you're not mad at me 26838 My tax return is late. 26839 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards 26840% 26841I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 26842living apart. 26843 -- e. e. cummings 26844% 26845I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 26846N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 26847I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 26848She's traversed me seven times before. 26849And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 26850Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 26851I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 26852N-ary the tree I am, I am, 26853N-ary the tree I am. 26854 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders 26855% 26856I'm not a lovable man. 26857 -- Richard M. Nixon 26858% 26859I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out 26860with twenty-eight years ago. 26861 -- Will Rogers 26862% 26863I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to 26864match the men. 26865 -- George Eliot 26866% 26867I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. 26868 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C 26869% 26870I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you. 26871% 26872I'm not offering myself as an example; 26873every life evolves by its own laws. 26874% 26875I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. 26876% 26877I'm not proud. 26878% 26879I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING! 26880% 26881I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President. 26882 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964 26883% 26884I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! 26885% 26886I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't 26887that good. 26888 -- Amy Gorin 26889% 26890I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol 26891that some thinkle peep I am. 26892It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 26893% 26894I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- 26895gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, 26896and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing 26897to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as 26898yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you 26899really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but 26900what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's 26901okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. 26902 -- Carl Sagan 26903% 26904I'm prepared for all emergencies but 26905totally unprepared for everyday life. 26906% 26907I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 26908-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 26909 -- Arthur Godfrey 26910% 26911I'm really enjoying not talking to you... 26912Let's not talk again REAL soon... 26913% 26914I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it 26915(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage. 26916 -- English Professor, Providence College 26917% 26918I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. 26919% 26920I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. 26921% 26922I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time 26923coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve 26924you being a dumbass. 26925 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org> 26926% 26927I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma. 26928% 26929I'm sorry I missed. 26930 -- Squeaky Fromme 26931% 26932I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you. 26933% 26934I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. 26935% 26936I'm successful because I'm lucky. 26937The harder I work, the luckier I get. 26938% 26939I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 26940I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 26941In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 26942I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 26943 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" 26944% 26945I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, 26946like pigeons and Catholics. 26947 -- Woody Allen 26948% 26949I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's 26950lives. 26951% 26952Imagination is more important than knowledge. 26953 -- Albert Einstein 26954% 26955Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 26956 -- Jules de Gaultier 26957% 26958Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the 26959usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody 26960thinks of complaining. 26961 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal 26962% 26963Imagine me going around with a pot belly. 26964It would mean political ruin. 26965 -- Adolf Hitler 26966% 26967Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has 26968a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk 26969storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on 26970voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. 26971What's the first question that the computer community asks? 26972 26973"Is it PC compatible?" 26974% 26975Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. 26976 -- John Lennon, "Imagine" 26977% 26978Imagine what we can imagine! 26979 -- Arthur Rubinstein 26980% 26981Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. 26982 -- Genji 26983% 26984Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension: 26985 In order for something to become clean, something else must 26986 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting 26987 anything clean. 26988% 26989Imitation is the sincerest form of television. 26990 -- Fred Allen 26991% 26992Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant. 26993% 26994Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. 26995% 26996Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. 26997 -- Lionel Trilling 26998% 26999Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. 27000 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" 27001% 27002Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 27003 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 27004% 27005Immutability, Three Rules of: 27006 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. 27007 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. 27008 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will. 27009% 27010Impartial, adj.: 27011 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 27012 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 27013 conflicting opinions. 27014 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 27015% 27016Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the 27017mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the 27018Boss is reading it. 27019% 27020Impossible, adj.: 27021 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; 27022 (2) I can't be bothered; 27023 (3) God can't be bothered. 27024Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. 27025 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 27026% 27027In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled 27028waffles. 27029% 27030In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't 27031get parts. 27032% 27033In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The 27034creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. 27035% 27036In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred 27037syrup. 27038% 27039In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin 27040in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to 27041revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from 27042behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka 27043shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops. 27044 27045It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the 27046ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go. 27047% 27048In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the 27049dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government 27050more to its liking. 27051 27052In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of 27053Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its 27054liking. 27055% 27056In a bottle, the neck is always at the top. 27057% 27058In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse, 27059an IC will blow to protect the fuse. 27060% 27061In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: 27062the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. 27063% 27064In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death 27065by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, 27066has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat. 27067 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937 27068% 27069In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room 27070humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network 27071anyway. 27072 -- The 5th Wave 27073% 27074In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. 27075Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. 27076% 27077In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is 27078placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. 27079% 27080In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the 27081other really likes. 27082 -- Elizabeth Ashley 27083% 27084In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... 27085in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent 27086to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who 27087have not yet reached their level of incompetence. 27088 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle" 27089% 27090In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" 27091Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. 27092 -- Frank Mankiewicz 27093% 27094In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, 27095"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." 27096 -- Mark Twain 27097% 27098In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search 27099of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest 27100because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only 27101person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is 27102superior to Tops10. 27103% 27104In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's 27105taste and in a sports car it's impossible. 27106% 27107In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground 27108with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call 27109this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. 27110% 27111In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one 27112of the risks he takes. 27113 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 27114% 27115In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so 27116sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All 27117those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the 27118devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up 27119as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. 27120 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 27121% 27122In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to 27123be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's 27124beloved. 27125 -- Russell Baker 27126% 27127In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly. 27128% 27129In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own 27130incompetency 27131 -- The Peter Principle 27132% 27133In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the 27134sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. 27135 -- Idi Amin Dada 27136% 27137In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 27138are to be treated as variables. 27139% 27140In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, 27141the answer may be obtained by inspection. 27142% 27143In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- 27144it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. 27145 -- Stuart Keate 27146% 27147In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. 27148% 27149IN BOX: 27150 A catch basin for everything you don't want 27151 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away. 27152% 27153In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless 27154the cows are known sluts. 27155 -- Johnny Carson 27156% 27157In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it 27158made the World Series just something that came later. 27159 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner 27160% 27161In buying horses and taking a wife 27162shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God. 27163% 27164In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he 27165thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent 27166teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig 27167said, "up to the mathematicians." 27168 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 27169% 27170In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make 27171it into television shows. 27172 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 27173% 27174In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. 27175% 27176In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling 27177against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled. 27178% 27179In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" 27180 -- The Kidner Report 27181% 27182In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" 27183% 27184In case of injury notify your superior immediately. 27185He'll kiss it and make it better. 27186% 27187In charity there is no excess. 27188 -- Francis Bacon 27189% 27190In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her 27191husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never 27192be free of subjugation. 27193 -- The Hindu Code of Manu 27194% 27195In Christianity, a man may have only one wife. 27196This is called Monotony. 27197% 27198In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle 27199a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order 27200to get her attention. 27201% 27202In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. 27203% 27204In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride 27205in any motor vehicle. 27206% 27207In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. 27208 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 27209% 27210In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door 27211neighbor. 27212% 27213In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 27214% 27215In dwelling, be close to the land. 27216In meditation, delve deep into the heart. 27217In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. 27218In speech, be true. 27219In work, be competent. 27220In action, be careful of your timing. 27221 -- Lao Tsu 27222% 27223In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 27224programming languages. 27225% 27226In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. 27227 -- Thomas Jefferson 27228% 27229In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. 27230 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 27231% 27232In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. 27233Find the fun and snap! The job's a game. 27234And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake, 27235 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see. 27236 -- Mary Poppins 27237% 27238In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug. 27239% 27240In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier 27241transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform 27242in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and 27243spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime. 27244 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900 27245% 27246In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; 27247in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft. 27248% 27249In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because 27250I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up 27251because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I 27252didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the 27253Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came 27254for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up. 27255 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller 27256% 27257In God we trust; all else we walk through. 27258% 27259In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker 27260know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak? 27261 -- Plato 27262% 27263In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on 27264the sidewalks when a concert is on. 27265% 27266In her first passion woman loves her lover, 27267In all the others all she loves is love. 27268 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 27269% 27270In high school in Brooklyn 27271I was the baseball manager, 27272proud as I could be 27273I chased baseballs, 27274gathered thrown bats 27275handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own 27276It was very important work but it was dark blue while 27277for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green 27278but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything 27279When the team got to me about my blue jacket; 27280their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends 27281I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year 27282Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket 27283got these jackets, and among all those green ones 27284surely not a manager Even now, forty years after, 27285 I still recall that jacket 27286 and the memory goes on hurting. 27287 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 27288% 27289In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together 27290afterwards that causes the problems. 27291 -- Shelley Winters 27292% 27293In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. 27294 -- Rex Reed 27295% 27296In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into 27297use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather 27298which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. 27299 -- Mark Twain 27300% 27301In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, 27302murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci 27303and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had 27304five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? 27305The cuckoo-clock. 27306 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man" 27307% 27308In just seven days, I can make you a man! 27309 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show 27310 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.] 27311% 27312In less than a century, computers will be making substantial 27313progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. 27314 -- James Slagle 27315% 27316In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your 27317pocket. 27318% 27319In like a dimwit, out like a light. 27320 -- Pogo 27321% 27322In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. 27323 -- Bruton 27324% 27325In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any 27326pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while 27327either flying or waiting to board a plane. 27328% 27329In marriage, as in war, it is permitted 27330to take every advantage of the enemy. 27331% 27332In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but 27333the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they 27334have obtained from books of travel. 27335 -- Mark Twain 27336% 27337In matters of principle, stand like a rock; 27338in matters of taste, swim with the current. 27339 -- Thomas Jefferson 27340% 27341In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. 27342 -- Josi Simon 27343% 27344In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. 27345It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game. 27346% 27347In most instances, all an argument 27348proves is that two people are present. 27349% 27350In my end is my beginning. 27351 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots 27352% 27353In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending 27354your left leg, it's modern architecture. 27355 -- Nancy Banks Smith 27356% 27357IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out 27358becoming pure energy. 27359 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 27360% 27361In Nature there are neither rewards nor 27362punishments, there are consequences. 27363 -- R. G. Ingersoll 27364% 27365In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as 27366to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the 27367speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 27368% 27369In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- 27370a practice which is still continued. 27371 -- Helen Rowland 27372% 27373In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension. 27374% 27375In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; 27376you're what's left. 27377% 27378In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. 27379% 27380In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. 27381It is not always an easy sacrifice. 27382% 27383In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the 27384universe. 27385 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos 27386% 27387In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence 27388is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. 27389 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 27390% 27391In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme 27392Court decision and violent revolution. 27393 -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006) 27394% 27395In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. 27396% 27397In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced 27398a Prime Minister worthy of assassination. 27399 -- John Diefenbaker 27400% 27401In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds 27402and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. 27403% 27404In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying 27405of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public 27406view." 27407% 27408In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, 27409happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. 27410 -- Paul Licker 27411% 27412In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you 27413want the other person. 27414 -- Margaret Anderson 27415% 27416In reply to a message by Scott Long: 27417 27418> Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming. 27419 27420Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in 27421your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some 27422computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY 27423DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring 27424their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6, 27425whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc. 27426 27427It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD 27428merger be that far off? 27429 -- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006) 27430% 27431In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 27432Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 27433Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 27434We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 27435 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 27436% 27437In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. 27438 -- Will Durst 27439% 27440In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really 27441good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change 27442their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really 27443do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are 27444human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot 27445recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. 27446 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address 27447% 27448In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that 27449is over six feet in length. 27450% 27451In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. 27452 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 27453% 27454In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian. 27455% 27456In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 27457% 27458In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. 27459 -- Anne Frank 27460% 27461In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. 27462 -- Alan Kay 27463% 27464In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a 27465moving automobile. 27466% 27467[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You 27468could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense 27469that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... 27470 27471And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory 27472over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we 27473didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no 27474point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; 27475we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ... 27476 27477So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in 27478Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost 27479_s_e_e the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and 27480rolled back. 27481 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 27482% 27483"In the age of the internet attaching a famous name to your personal 27484opinion to give more weight to it is a very valid strategy." 27485 -- Benjamin Franklin 27486% 27487In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" 27488And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. 27489% 27490In the beginning was the word. 27491But by the time the second word was added to it, 27492there was trouble. 27493For with it came syntax ... 27494 -- John Simon 27495% 27496In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the 27497Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact 27498which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative, 27499intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page 2750014, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and 27501fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest 27502discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers 27503to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that 27504memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote: 27505 27506 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and 27507 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide 27508 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable 27509 combination." 27510 27511Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he 27512could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever. 27513% 27514In the days of old, 27515When Knights were bold, 27516 And women were too cautious; 27517Oh, those gallant days, 27518When women were women, 27519 And men were really obnoxious. 27520% 27521In the dimestores and bus stations 27522People talk of situations 27523Read books repeat quotations 27524Draw conclusions on the wall. 27525 -- Bob Dylan 27526% 27527In the early morning queue, 27528With a listing in my hand. 27529With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9, 27530Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go. 27531I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue, 27532How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows. 27533In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft, 27534With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast. 27535 Hey, there it goes my friend, 27536 I've moved up one at last. 27537 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early 27538 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot 27539% 27540In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. 27541 -- Martin Mull 27542% 27543In the first place, God made idiots; 27544this was for practice; then he made school boards. 27545 -- Mark Twain 27546% 27547In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 27548the proper order then why can't he? 27549% 27550In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. 27551 -- Joseph Stalin 27552% 27553In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. 27554You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. 27555% 27556In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. 27557 -- Lenny Bruce 27558% 27559In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, 27560woman is merely an instrument of pleasure. 27561 -- Tolstoy 27562% 27563In the land of the dark the Ship of the 27564Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. 27565 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 27566% 27567In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. 27568 -- Alan J. Perlis 27569% 27570In the long run we are all dead. 27571 -- John Maynard Keynes 27572% 27573In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands 27574a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to 27575the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. 27576 27577Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? 27578A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths. 27579% 27580In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man 27581noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of 27582the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet 27583conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this 27584jaded group. Why don't I take you home?"" 27585 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you 27586live?" 27587% 27588In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not 27589displeasing to us. 27590 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 27591% 27592In the next world, you're on your own. 27593% 27594In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the 27595wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After 27596everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the 27597camp. 27598 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from 27599a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get 27600louder and louder. 27601 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like 27602the sound of those drums." 27603 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S 27604NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." 27605% 27606In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a 27607loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to 27608you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty 27609lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog 27610and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it 27611was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. 27612 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 27613% 27614In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and 27615struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny 27616and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the 27617crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. 27618 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian 27619 novel. 27620% 27621In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 27622shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old 27623Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred 27624thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the 27625Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is 27626something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of 27627conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 27628 -- Mark Twain 27629% 27630In the Spring, I have counted 136 27631different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. 27632 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather 27633% 27634In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. 27635% 27636In the time of peace and harmony 27637Be a kind-hearted friend. 27638In the time of conflict with enemies 27639Be a falcon of advance and attack. 27640 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 27641% 27642In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop 27643out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. 27644 -- Art Linkletter 27645% 27646In the war of wits, he's unarmed. 27647% 27648In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. 27649In practice, there is. 27650% 27651In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. 27652 -- Pliny the Elder 27653% 27654In this vale 27655Of toil and sin 27656Your head grows bald 27657But not your chin. 27658 -- Burma Shave 27659% 27660In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. 27661 -- Benjamin Franklin 27662% 27663In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be 27664thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. 27665 -- H. L. Mencken 27666% 27667In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. 27668So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. 27669% 27670In this world there are only two tragedies. One is 27671not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. 27672 -- Oscar Wilde 27673% 27674In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. 27675% 27676In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take 27677my advice. 27678 -- Winston Churchill 27679% 27680In time, every post tends to be occupied by an 27681employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. 27682 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 27683% 27684In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without 27685the supervision of a licensed engineer. 27686% 27687In /users3 did Kubla Kahn 27688A stately pleasure dome decree, 27689Where /bin, the sacred river ran 27690Through Test Suites measureless to Man 27691Down to a sunless C. 27692% 27693In war it is not men, but the man who counts. 27694 -- Napoleon 27695% 27696In war, truth is the first casualty. 27697 -- U Thant 27698% 27699In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse 27700along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. 27701% 27702In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? 27703% 27704In wine there is truth (In vino veritas). 27705 -- Pliny 27706% 27707In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree 27708But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree. 27709% 27710In Xanadu did Kubla Khan 27711A stately pleasure dome decree: 27712Where Alph, the sacred river, ran 27713Through caverns measureless to man 27714Down to a sunless sea. 27715So twice five miles of fertile ground 27716With walls and towers were girdled round: 27717And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, 27718Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; 27719And here were forest ancient as the hills, 27720Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. 27721 -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" 27722% 27723In youth, it was a way I had 27724To do my best to please, 27725And change, with every passing lad, 27726To suit his theories. 27727 27728But now I know the things I know, 27729And do the things I do; 27730And if you do not like me so, 27731To hell, my love, with you! 27732 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer" 27733% 27734INCENTIVE PROGRAM: 27735 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses 27736 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with 27737 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective 27738 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to 27739 keep it." 27740% 27741Include me out. 27742% 27743Increased knowledge will help you now. 27744Have mate's phone bugged. 27745% 27746Incumbent, n.: 27747 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 27748 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 27749% 27750Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. 27751% 27752Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as 27753`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled 27754with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.' 27755 -- M. D. Epstein 27756% 27757INDEX: 27758 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an 27759 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be. 27760% 27761Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and 27762basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley 27763is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. 27764 -- Carolyn Jones 27765% 27766Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 27767% 27768Individualists unite! 27769% 27770Indomitable in retreat; invincible in 27771advance; insufferable in victory. 27772 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 27773% 27774Infancy, n.: 27775 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies 27776 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. 27777 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 27778% 27779Infidel, n.: 27780 In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; 27781 in Constantinople, one who does. 27782 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 27783% 27784Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. 27785% 27786Information Center, n.: 27787 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 27788to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 27789% 27790Information is the inverse of entropy. 27791% 27792Information Processing: 27793 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with 27794 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence. 27795% 27796Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 27797 27798 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: 27799 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! 27800 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet 27801 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen 27802 obedicing the instructs of the vessel. 27803 27804 On the door in a Belgrade hotel: 27805 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on 27806 the service. Our utmost will improve it. 27807 27808 -- Colin Bowles 27809% 27810Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 27811 27812 Sign on a cathedral in Spain: 27813 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if 27814 dressed as a man. 27815 27816 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar: 27817 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband 27818 or similar. 27819 27820 On a Bucharest elevator: 27821 27822 The lift is being fixed for the next days. 27823 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 27824 27825 -- Colin Bowles 27826% 27827Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 27828 27829 Various signs in Poland: 27830 27831 Right turn toward immediate outside. 27832 27833 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. 27834 27835 Five o'clock tea at all hours. 27836 27837 In a men's washroom in Sidney: 27838 27839 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start, 27840 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands 27841 on front of shirt. 27842 27843 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle 27844% 27845Ingrate, n.: 27846 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, 27847 and then complains of indigestion. 27848% 27849Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 27850 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 27851% 27852Ink, n.: 27853 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 27854 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and 27855 promote intellectual crime. 27856 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 27857% 27858Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one 27859likes oneself. 27860 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect" 27861% 27862INNOVATE: 27863 Annoy people. 27864% 27865Innovation is hard to schedule. 27866 -- Dan Fylstra 27867% 27868INNUENDO: 27869 Italian enema. 27870% 27871Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same 27872token it is the shortest detour to marriage. 27873 -- Wilson Mizner 27874% 27875Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 27876% 27877Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when 27878the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 27879% 27880INSECURITY: 27881 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your 27882 favorite words. 27883 27884 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to 27885 the person who told it to you. 27886% 27887Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. 27888% 27889Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first 27890 hunting accident?" 27891Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes." 27892 -- Woody Allen 27893% 27894Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile. 27895% 27896Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't 27897they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning 27898anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five 27899years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. 27900 -- The Best of Will Rogers 27901% 27902Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. 27903 -- Edgar W. Howe 27904% 27905Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated, 27906it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches. 27907It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter 27908how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can 27909hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control... 27910 -- Dave Crocker 27911% 27912Integrity has no need for rules. 27913% 27914Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. 27915 -- Henry Spencer 27916% 27917Intellect annuls Fate. 27918So far as a man thinks, he is free. 27919 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 27920% 27921Interchangeable parts won't. 27922% 27923INTEREST: 27924 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and 27925 burned out employees must feign. 27926% 27927Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the 27928street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US 27929invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; 27930and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?" 27931 -- David Letterman 27932% 27933Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're 27934best at, that's what I say. 27935 -- "Doctor Who" 27936% 27937Interpreter, n.: 27938 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand 27939 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the 27940 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 27941 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 27942% 27943Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. 27944% 27945INTOXICATED: 27946 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it. 27947% 27948Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. 27949 27950INSTRUCTION SET 27951 Code Mnemonic What 27952 0 NOP No Operation 27953 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) 27954 27955Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents! 27956% 27957Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac! 27958% 27959Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- 27960it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. 27961 -- Bernard Cooke 27962% 27963I/O, I/O, 27964It's off to disk I go, 27965A bit or byte to read or write, 27966I/O, I/O, I/O... 27967% 27968IOT trap -- core dumped 27969% 27970IOT trap -- mos dumped 27971% 27972Iowa State -- the high school after high school! 27973 -- Crow T. Robot 27974% 27975Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because 27976they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those 27977little paper envelopes. 27978% 27979Iron Law of Distribution: 27980 Them that has, gets. 27981% 27982IRONY: 27983 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with 27984 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. 27985% 27986Irrationality is the square root of all evil. 27987 -- Douglas Hofstadter 27988% 27989Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? 27990% 27991Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? 27992% 27993Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? 27994% 27995Is death legally binding? 27996% 27997Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 27998meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as 27999a soap bubble? 28000% 28001Is it weird in here, or is it just me? 28002 -- Steven Wright 28003% 28004Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that? 28005% 28006Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning 28007of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, 28008and such as are out wish to get in? 28009 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 28010% 28011Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. 28012 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex" 28013% 28014Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? 28015 -- Mae West 28016% 28017Is that really YOU that is reading this? 28018% 28019Is there life before breakfast? 28020% 28021Is this really happening? 28022% 28023Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! 28024% 28025Isn't air travel wonderful? 28026Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. 28027% 28028Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent 28029person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? 28030 -- Adlai E. Stevenson, to reporters 28031% 28032Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 28033listen to weather forecasts and economists? 28034 -- Kelvin Throop III 28035% 28036Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives 28037avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that 28038would make them better prospects? 28039% 28040Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live 28041there? 28042 -- Herb Caen 28043% 28044Isn't it strange that the same people that 28045laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? 28046% 28047ISO applications: 28048 A solution in search of a problem! 28049% 28050Issawi's Laws of Progress: 28051 The Course of Progress: 28052 Most things get steadily worse. 28053 The Path of Progress: 28054 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 28055% 28056It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working 28057as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he 28058had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, 28059"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed 28060Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival 28061came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer 28062this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the 28063Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. 28064To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's 28065your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, 28066"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 28067% 28068It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the 28069most widely used higher level language for systems programming. 28070 -- J. Sammet 28071% 28072It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, 28073Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. 28074It lies behind starts and under hills, 28075And empty holes it fills. 28076It comes first and follows after, 28077Ends life, kills laughter. 28078% 28079"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is 28080any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's 28081horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's 28082existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be 28083that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a 28084thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's 28085horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's 28086horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that 28087Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only 28088have wings by not being Walter's horse. 28089 28090I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P 28091then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand 28092for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is 28093necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a 28094better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. 28095 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality" 28096% 28097It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. 28098 -- Benjamin Disraeli 28099% 28100It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would 28101interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation 28102for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were 28103invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by 28104was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is 28105hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have 28106carried me. 28107 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time" 28108% 28109It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations. 28110% 28111It does not matter if you fall down as long as you 28112pick up something from the floor while you get up. 28113% 28114It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've 28115done and what you're going to do. 28116% 28117It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. 28118% 28119It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out 28120next morning it was someone else. 28121 -- Rogers 28122% 28123It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan 28124which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, 28125insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather 28126than be the instrument of his army's downfall. 28127 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" 28128% 28129It gets late early out there. 28130 -- Yogi Berra 28131% 28132It got to the point where I had to get a haircut 28133or both feet firmly planted in the air. 28134% 28135It hangs down from the chandelier 28136Nobody knows quite what it does 28137Its color is odd and its shape is weird 28138It emits a high-sounding buzz 28139 28140It grows a couple of feet each day 28141and wriggles with sort of a twitch 28142Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from 28143a visiting uncle who's rich! 28144 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" 28145% 28146It happened long ago 28147In the new magic land 28148The Indians and the buffalo 28149Existed hand in hand 28150The Indians needed food 28151They need skins for a roof 28152The only took what they needed 28153And the buffalo ran loose 28154But then came the white man 28155With his thick and empty head 28156He couldn't see past his billfold 28157He wanted all the buffalo dead 28158It was sad, oh so sad. 28159 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" 28160% 28161It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown 28162came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and 28163applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I 28164think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the 28165wits, who believe that it is a joke. 28166 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 28167% 28168It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be 28169most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, 28170it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. 28171 -- H. Warner Munn 28172% 28173It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is 28174thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have 28175drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 28176 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 28177% 28178It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself 28179that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *_o_n_l_y* by amusing oneself that 28180one can learn." 28181 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman 28182% 28183It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have 28184been searching for evidence which could support this. 28185 -- Bertrand Russell 28186% 28187It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends 28188and getting people under the influence. 28189 -- Jeremy Tunstall 28190% 28191It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 28192% 28193It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, 28194or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who 28195achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom 28196good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy 28197notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all 28198infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from 28199folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens 28200their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that 28201appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge, 28202and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum 28203competence will be quite enough. 28204 -- The Underground Grammarian 28205% 28206It has long been an axiom of mine that the 28207little things are infinitely the most important. 28208 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" 28209% 28210It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the 28211manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle 28212baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest 28213is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. 28214% 28215It has long been known that one horse can run faster 28216than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial. 28217 -- Lazarus Long 28218% 28219It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of 28220indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury 28221is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim 28222of infanticide. 28223 -- Edmond About 28224% 28225It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, 28226to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. 28227 -- Marcus Porcius Cato 28228% 28229It is a lesson which all history teaches 28230wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances. 28231 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 28232% 28233It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. 28234% 28235It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. 28236 -- Aeschylus 28237% 28238It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was 28239my age, he had been dead for 2 years. 28240 -- Tom Lehrer 28241% 28242It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but 28243it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to 28244organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The 28245manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and 28246I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. 28247 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they 28248could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, 28249three more than the schedule allowed. 28250 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they 28251could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; 28252it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. 28253Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling 28254their thumbs for ten months. 28255 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control 28256program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, 28257but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and 28258it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual 28259integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would 28260estimate that it added a year to debugging time. 28261 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 28262% 28263It is a wise father that knows his own child. 28264 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 28265% 28266It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. 28267What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing 28268thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? 28269 -- Alan J. Perlis 28270% 28271It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of 28272Urbana, Illinois. 28273% 28274It is all right to hold a conversation, 28275but you should let go of it now and then. 28276 -- Richard Armour 28277% 28278It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, 28279you are an exceptionally good liar. 28280 -- Jerome K. Jerome 28281% 28282It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. 28283% 28284It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a 28285pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the 28286sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 28287 -- Voltaire 28288% 28289It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what 28290they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed 28291that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so 28292much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins 28293had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But 28294conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more 28295intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 28296 28297Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending 28298destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to 28299alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were 28300misinterpreted ... 28301 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 28302% 28303It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. 28304 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 28305% 28306It is bad luck to be superstitious. 28307 -- Andrew W. Mathis 28308% 28309[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. 28310 -- K&R 28311% 28312It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 28313coming up it. 28314 -- Henry Allen 28315% 28316It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? 28317One in a million, perhaps. 28318% 28319It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. 28320% 28321It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all. 28322% 28323It is better to burn out than it is to rust. 28324% 28325It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. 28326% 28327It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. 28328% 28329It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. 28330% 28331It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. 28332% 28333It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. 28334% 28335It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. 28336% 28337It is better to live rich than to die rich. 28338 -- Samuel Johnson 28339% 28340It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. 28341% 28342It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental. 28343% 28344It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, 28345and weight yourself down with invisible chains. 28346% 28347It is better to wear out than to rust out. 28348% 28349It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: 28350freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. 28351 -- Mark Twain 28352% 28353It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, 28354admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. 28355 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 28356% 28357It is contrary to reasoning to say that there 28358is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing. 28359 -- Rene Descartes 28360% 28361It is convenient that there be gods, and, 28362as it is convenient, let us believe there are. 28363 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 28364% 28365It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might 28366remember. 28367 -- Eugene McCarthy 28368% 28369It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary 28370depends upon his not understanding it. 28371 -- Upton Sinclair 28372% 28373It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. 28374% 28375It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both 28376incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by 28377twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. 28378 -- Rod Serling 28379% 28380It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. 28381% 28382It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is 28383lightly greased. 28384 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 28385% 28386It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 28387proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a 28388better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat 28389your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of 28390attention, the harder the task. 28391 -- Sydney J. Harris 28392% 28393It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. 28394% 28395It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 28396 -- Alfred Adler 28397% 28398It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. 28399 -- George Santayana 28400% 28401It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. 28402 -- Leonardo da Vinci 28403% 28404It is easier to run down a hill than up one. 28405% 28406It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. 28407% 28408It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. 28409 -- Aeschylus 28410% 28411It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination 28412of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends... 28413 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters 28414% 28415It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he 28416holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who 28417is there, but speed him when he wishes. 28418 -- Homer, "The Odyssey" 28419 28420 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 28421 referring to scheduling.] 28422% 28423It is exactly because a man cannot do a 28424thing that he is a proper judge of it. 28425 -- Oscar Wilde 28426% 28427It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This 28428is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the 28429last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give 28430enough. 28431 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin" 28432% 28433It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. 28434% 28435It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities 28436without your help. 28437 -- Miss Manners 28438% 28439It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. 28440% 28441It is fruitless: 28442 to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. 28443 28444 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with 28445 innovative maneuvers. 28446% 28447It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 28448if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. 28449 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 28450% 28451It is hard to predict, in particular about the future. 28452 -- Robert Storm Petersen 28453% 28454It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: 28455love does not lie in the ear. 28456 -- Walpole 28457% 28458It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood 28459Boulevard at one time. 28460% 28461It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. 28462% 28463It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward 28464the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the 28465case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by 28466crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. 28467 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 28468% 28469It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. 28470% 28471It is impossible to defend perfectly 28472against the attack of those who want to die. 28473% 28474It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly 28475unless one has plenty of work to do. 28476 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome 28477% 28478It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry 28479a tune. 28480 -- Woody Allen 28481% 28482It is impossible to make anything 28483foolproof because fools are so ingenious. 28484% 28485It is impossible to travel faster than light, and 28486certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 28487 -- Woody Allen 28488% 28489IT IS IN PROCESS: 28490 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. 28491% 28492It is indeed desirable to be well descended, 28493but the glory belongs to our ancestors. 28494 -- Plutarch 28495% 28496It is like saying that for the cause of peace, 28497God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting. 28498 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip 28499% 28500It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his 28501wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when 28502they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks 28503like a happy married life. 28504 -- Oscar Wilde 28505% 28506It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our 28507offense consists in doubting it. 28508 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson 28509% 28510It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. 28511 -- Benjamin Disraeli 28512% 28513It is much easier to suggest solutions 28514when you know nothing about the problem. 28515% 28516It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. 28517% 28518It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be 28519privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to 28520corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 28521 -- George Bernard Shaw 28522% 28523It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. 28524 -- Kingsley Amis 28525% 28526It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. 28527% 28528It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, 28529that makes life blessed. 28530 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 28531% 28532It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. 28533 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's 28534 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] 28535 28536It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 28537 -- Gore Vidal 28538 [Great minds think alike? Ed.] 28539% 28540It is not enough to have a good mind. 28541The main thing is to use it well. 28542 -- Rene Descartes 28543% 28544It is not enough to have great qualities, 28545we should also have the management of them. 28546 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 28547% 28548It is not every question that deserves an answer. 28549 -- Publilius Syrus 28550% 28551It is not for me to attempt to fathom the 28552inscrutable workings of Providence. 28553 -- The Earl of Birkenhead 28554% 28555It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, 28556and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. 28557 -- Proverbs 19:2 28558% 28559It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for 28560dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but 28561she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She 28562does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a 28563dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the 28564dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours. 28565 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman" 28566% 28567It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply 28568that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. 28569 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" 28570% 28571It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether 28572the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the 28573man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and 28574blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who 28575knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a 28576worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that 28577he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory 28578or defeat. 28579 -- Teddy Roosevelt 28580% 28581It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on 28582the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His 28583wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a 28584kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and 28585big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair 28586and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some 28587kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife 28588sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* 28589 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road" 28590% 28591It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 28592 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 28593% 28594It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 28595% 28596It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort 28597to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and 28598chemistry. 28599 -- H. L. Mencken 28600% 28601It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. 28602 -- Grace Murray Hopper 28603% 28604It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. 28605 -- Cervantes 28606% 28607It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live 28608at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result 28609is the only thing that makes the result come true. 28610 -- William James 28611% 28612It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their 28613dignity. 28614% 28615It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared 28616to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. 28617 -- Havelock Ellis 28618% 28619It is only with the heart one can see clearly; 28620what is essential is invisible to the eye. 28621 -- The Fox, "The Little Prince" 28622% 28623It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK] 28624unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the 28625word "quack". 28626 -- Garrett Wollman 28627% 28628It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost 28629anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push 28630a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible 28631way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension 28632should be used in its proper place. 28633 -- Christopher Strachey 28634% 28635It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. 28636 -- Maimie Van Doren 28637% 28638It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that 28639have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are 28640mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. 28641 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 28642% 28643It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat 28644rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they 28645kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest. 28646 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's 28647% 28648It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, 28649his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the 28650worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one 28651day like any other day, only shorter. 28652 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies" 28653% 28654It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a 28655sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate 28656in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, 28657too, shall pass away." 28658 -- Abraham Lincoln 28659% 28660It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 28661lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 28662high as the eagle? 28663% 28664It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. 28665 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard 28666% 28667It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 28668devil when he is the only explanation of it. 28669 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" 28670% 28671It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- 28672yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. 28673% 28674It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 28675statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious 28676to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, 28677which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the 28678highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, 28679worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. 28680 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 28681% 28682It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. 28683 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 28684% 28685It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad 28686crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed 28687until the other has gone. 28688% 28689It is the business of little minds to shrink. 28690 -- Carl Sandburg 28691% 28692It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 28693 -- Hawkwind 28694% 28695It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will 28696set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. 28697 -- Francis Bacon 28698% 28699It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. 28700 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 28701% 28702It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. 28703 -- Francis Bacon 28704% 28705It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. 28706% 28707It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously 28708lives, works and has his being. 28709 -- Thomas Carlyle 28710% 28711It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five 28712straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes 28713Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 28714% 28715It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. 28716 -- Lloyd Kaufman, 28717 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" 28718% 28719It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. 28720It produces a false impression. 28721 -- Oscar Wilde 28722% 28723It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. 28724 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 28725% 28726It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. 28727 -- Roger Babson 28728% 28729It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. 28730 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 28731% 28732It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world. 28733% 28734It isn't easy being green. 28735 -- Kermit the Frog 28736% 28737It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty 28738small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands 28739computers. 28740% 28741It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be 28742unhappy. 28743 -- Groucho Marx 28744% 28745It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with. 28746 -- Jack T. Shakespeare 28747% 28748It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods 28749to Grandmother's condo. 28750% 28751It looked like something resembling white marble, which was 28752probably what it was: something resembling white marble. 28753 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 28754% 28755It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 28756% 28757It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. 28758Get into that garbage chute, flyboy! 28759 -- Princess Leia Organa 28760% 28761IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about 28762a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw 28763that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." 28764 28765Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up. 28766 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 28767% 28768It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair 28769to get in, and those within despair of getting out. 28770 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 28771% 28772It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win 28773or lose. 28774 -- Darrin Weinberg 28775% 28776It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too 28777good either if you speak when your head is empty. 28778% 28779It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is 28780better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. 28781 -- Lazarus Long 28782% 28783It may be that your whole purpose in life 28784is simply to serve as a warning to others. 28785% 28786It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. 28787% 28788It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more 28789doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of 28790a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit 28791by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders 28792in those who would gain by the new ones. 28793 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 28794% 28795It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions 28796that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that 28797starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed. 28798 -- Arthur Binstead 28799% 28800It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. 28801% 28802It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately. 28803% 28804It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of 28805one's life and then come round. 28806 -- Lord Alfred Douglas 28807% 28808It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. 28809% 28810It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and 28811they'll come out for it. 28812 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood 28813 mogul Harry Cohn 28814% 28815It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory. 28816 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 28817% 28818It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones 28819slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much 28820more. 28821 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 28822% 28823It seems a little silly now, but this country 28824was founded as a protest against taxation. 28825% 28826It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should 28827be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of 28828unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of 28829artificial lubrication or foreplay. 28830 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's 28831 "Sex, Art and American Culture" 28832% 28833It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. 28834 -- Chris Torek 28835% 28836It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the 28837flag. 28838% 28839It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level 28840language named "research student". 28841% 28842It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. 28843% 28844It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how 28845to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, 28846and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family 28847airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The 28848average wife is like that. 28849 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike 28850% 28851It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the 28852municipality. 28853 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio 28854% 28855It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional. 28856 -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia 28857% 28858It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it. 28859% 28860It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face. 28861% 28862It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. 28863 -- Crazy Charlie 28864% 28865It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. 28866% 28867It takes less time to do a thing right 28868than it does to explain why you did it wrong. 28869 -- H. W. Longfellow 28870% 28871It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. 28872% 28873It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card 28874may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada 28875military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said 28876the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found 28877a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army 28878officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the 28879Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. 28880 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology 28881% 28882It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 28883but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. 28884 -- Robert Benchley 28885% 28886It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the 28887system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine 28888some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very 28889sharp, probably not someone here on campus. 28890 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in 28891 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm. 28892% 28893It used to be the fun was in 28894The capture and kill. 28895In another place and time 28896I did it all for thrills. 28897 -- Lust to Love 28898% 28899It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. 28900 -- Mark Twain 28901% 28902It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 28903% 28904It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. 28905% 28906It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest 28907since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and 28908laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class. 28909 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" 28910% 28911It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks 28912never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies. 28913 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" 28914% 28915It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set 28916foot. 28917% 28918It was all so different before everything changed. 28919% 28920It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, 28921when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. 28922 -- Dion, noted computer scientist 28923% 28924It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze 28925was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... 28926 -- James Dent 28927% 28928It was one time too many 28929One word too few 28930It was all too much for me and you 28931There was one way to go 28932Nothing more we could do 28933One time too many 28934One word too few 28935 -- Meredith Tanner 28936% 28937It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest. 28938% 28939It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," 28940thought Frito. 28941 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 28942% 28943It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 28944I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 28945don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 28946the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 28947charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 28948novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 28949yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 28950man a lifetime. 28951 -- Thomas Aldrich 28952% 28953It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country 28954road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse 28955and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water 28956from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop. 28957The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked 28958to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a 28959man appeared out of an upstairs window. 28960 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly. 28961 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you 28962would let me stay here for the night." 28963 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's 28964okay with me." 28965% 28966It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. 28967Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. 28968 -- Hunter S. Thompson 28969% 28970It was wonderful to find America, but it 28971would have been more wonderful to miss it. 28972 -- Mark Twain 28973% 28974It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. 28975 -- Tim Conway 28976% 28977It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. 28978It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 28979% 28980It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on 28981the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. 28982% 28983It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human 28984nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant 28985examples. 28986 -- Charles Dickens 28987% 28988It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing 28989warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or 28990two things still safe to eat. 28991 -- Robert Fuoss 28992% 28993It would be nice to be sure of anything 28994the way some people are of everything. 28995% 28996It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now. 28997% 28998Italic, adj.: 28999 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to 29000 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases 29001 are often slanted to the left. 29002% 29003It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished. 29004% 29005It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home. 29006 -- Luke Skywalker 29007% 29008It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. 29009 -- Danny Vermin 29010% 29011It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back 29012and party! 29013 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" 29014% 29015It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 29016 -- Andrew Jackson 29017% 29018It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. 29019 -- Cheers 29020% 29021It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. 29022% 29023It's a naive, domestic operating system without any 29024breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption. 29025% 29026It's a poor workman who blames his tools. 29027% 29028It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression 29029when you lose yours. 29030 -- Harry S. Truman 29031% 29032It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 29033 -- Steven Wright 29034% 29035It's a very *_U_N*lucky week in which to be took dead. 29036 -- Churchy La Femme 29037% 29038It's all in the mind, ya know. 29039% 29040It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. 29041 -- Mick Jagger 29042% 29043It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand 29044any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are 29045never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come 29046out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. 29047What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of 29048flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones 29049half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and 29050then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could 29051have thought it up, I wonder? 29052 -- James Purdy 29053% 29054It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short. 29055% 29056It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. 29057% 29058It's amazing how many people you could be friends 29059with if only they'd make the first approach. 29060% 29061It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope. 29062% 29063It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. 29064% 29065It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. 29066 -- Michael Arlen 29067% 29068It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, 29069but why do the rats always have to win? 29070% 29071It's better to be quotable than to be honest. 29072 -- Tom Stoppard 29073% 29074It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. 29075 -- Marty Winch 29076% 29077It's better to burn out than to fade away. 29078% 29079It's business doing pleasure with you. 29080% 29081It's clever, but is it art? 29082% 29083It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. 29084% 29085"It's easier said than done." 29086 29087... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 29088said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 29089said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 29090done". 29091% 29092It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. 29093 -- Don Price 29094% 29095It's easier to get forgiveness for being 29096wrong than forgiveness for being right. 29097% 29098It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. 29099 -- Washlesky 29100% 29101It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong; 29102it's much harder to forgive them for being right. 29103% 29104It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger. 29105% 29106It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! 29107 -- Macy's 29108% 29109Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism 29110in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with 29111the ignorance of the community. 29112 -- Oscar Wilde 29113% 29114It's faster horses, 29115Younger women, 29116Older whiskey and 29117More money. 29118 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life" 29119% 29120It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line. 29121 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam" 29122% 29123It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the 29124first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to 29125kill somebody. 29126 -- Dorothy Sayers 29127% 29128It's gonna be alright, 29129It's almost midnight, 29130And I've got two more bottles of wine. 29131% 29132It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, 29133even if most of them are bad. 29134% 29135It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma. 29136If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas? 29137% 29138It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. 29139% 29140It's hard to drive at the limit, but 29141it's harder to know where the limits are. 29142 -- Stirling Moss 29143% 29144It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. 29145 -- Groucho Marx 29146% 29147It's hard to keep your shirt on when 29148you're getting something off your chest. 29149% 29150It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe. 29151 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead" 29152% 29153It's hard to think of you as the end 29154result of millions of years of evolution. 29155% 29156It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. 29157% 29158It's important that people know what you stand for. 29159It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. 29160% 29161It's interesting to think that many quite 29162distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. 29163% 29164It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. 29165If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't 29166our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 29167 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 29168% 29169It's just a jump to the left 29170 And then a step to the right. 29171Put your hands on your hips 29172 You bring your knees in tight. 29173But it's the pelvic thrust 29174 That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane! 29175 29176 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 29177 29178 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 29179% 29180It's just apartment house rules, 29181So all you 'partment house fools 29182Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor. 29183One man's ceiling is another man's floor. 29184 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor" 29185% 29186It's kind of fun to do the impossible. 29187 -- Walt Disney 29188% 29189It's later than you think. 29190% 29191It's later than you think, the joint 29192Russian-American space mission has already begun. 29193% 29194It's like deja vu all over again. 29195 -- Yogi Berra 29196% 29197It's Like This 29198 29199Even the samurai 29200have teddy bears, 29201and even the teddy bears 29202get drunk. 29203% 29204It's lucky you're going so slowly, because 29205you're going in the wrong direction. 29206% 29207It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. 29208 -- Sam Goldwyn 29209% 29210It's multiple choice time... 29211 29212 What is FORTRAN? 29213 29214 a: Between thre and fiv tran. 29215 b: What two computers engage in before they interface. 29216 c: Ridiculous. 29217% 29218Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. 29219It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. 29220 -- Mark Twain 29221% 29222It's never too late to have a happy childhood. 29223% 29224It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding 29225a sickness you like. 29226 -- Jackie Mason 29227% 29228It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how 29229to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. 29230 -- George Burns 29231% 29232It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. 29233% 29234It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. 29235 -- Tom Lehrer 29236% 29237It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 29238 -- Phil White 29239% 29240It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. 29241 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston 29242% 29243It's not easy being green. 29244 -- Kermit 29245% 29246It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 29247 -- Alexander Korda 29248% 29249It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. 29250 -- J. K. Galbraith 29251% 29252It's not just a computer -- it's your ass. 29253 -- Cal Keegan 29254% 29255It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's 29256what you're taking for it... 29257% 29258It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. 29259% 29260It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off 29261the ground. 29262 -- Daniel B. Luten 29263% 29264It's not that I'm afraid to die. 29265I just don't want to be there when it happens. 29266 -- Woody Allen 29267% 29268It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. 29269% 29270It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. 29271 -- Mae West 29272% 29273It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. 29274 -- Garfield 29275% 29276It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. 29277 -- Grantland Rice 29278% 29279It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. 29280% 29281It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. 29282% 29283It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is 29284the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages 29285"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 29286 -- Sydney J. Harris 29287% 29288It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain 29289what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. 29290 -- Roger Noe 29291% 29292It's our fault. We should have given him better parts. 29293 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been 29294 elected governor of California. 29295 29296[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy 29297for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."] 29298% 29299It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve 29300as a warning to others. 29301% 29302It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; 29303poverty and wealth have both failed. 29304 -- Kin Hubbard 29305% 29306It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... 29307% 29308It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 29309% 29310It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, 29311society will take full responsibility for you. 29312% 29313It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped 29314using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not 29315only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only 29316difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental 29317results to humans. 29318 29319 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] 29320% 29321It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers 29322have been all over it. 29323 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine 29324% 29325It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, 29326 just to see if it's real, 29327Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel, 29328But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face, 29329So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, 29330Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? 29331 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 29332% 29333It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. 29334% 29335It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? 29336% 29337It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. 29338 -- Tallulah Bankhead 29339% 29340It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises 29341the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. 29342 -- Franklin P. Jones 29343% 29344It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... 29345boy gets another beer. 29346 -- Cheers 29347% 29348It's the thought, if any, that counts! 29349% 29350It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're 29351madly in love, drunk, or running for office. 29352% 29353It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the 29354venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out. 29355 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy 29356% 29357It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never 29358know when everything may suddenly stop happening. 29359% 29360IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or 29361 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to 29362 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. 29363 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it 29364 inevitably unsuccessful. 29365 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. 29366 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel 29367 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an 29368 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to 29369 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. 29370 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding 29371 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. 29372VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. 29373 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a 29374 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of 29375 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common 29376 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" 29377 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high 29378 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. 29379 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 29380% 29381I've already told you more than I know. 29382% 29383I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers. 29384% 29385I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember, 29386when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day! 29387% 29388I've always made it a solemn practice to never 29389drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast. 29390 -- R. Nesson 29391% 29392I've been in more laps than a napkin. 29393 -- Mae West 29394% 29395I've Been Moved! 29396% 29397I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. 29398 -- Totie Fields 29399% 29400I've been on this lonely road so long, 29401Does anybody know where it goes, 29402I remember last time the signs pointed home, 29403A month ago. 29404 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode" 29405% 29406I've been there. 29407% 29408I've built a better model than the one at Data General 29409For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 29410My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 29411My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 29412My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 29413You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 29414There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 29415My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 29416 29417I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 29418There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 29419Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 29420I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 29421 29422 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of 29423 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", 29424 by Gilbert & Sullivan) 29425% 29426I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. 29427% 29428I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. 29429It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. 29430 -- Dennie van Tassel 29431% 29432I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was 29433this little hole in the bottom ... 29434 -- John Croll 29435% 29436I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 29437% 29438I've got a very bad feeling about this. 29439 -- Han Solo 29440% 29441I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. 29442 -- Henny Youngman 29443% 29444I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 29445 -- Groucho Marx 29446% 29447I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes 29448on the same day. 29449% 29450I've looked at the listing, and it's right! 29451 -- Joel Halpern 29452% 29453I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must 29454be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... 29455 29456Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks. 29457% 29458I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. 29459 -- George Gobel 29460% 29461I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say. 29462 -- Calvin Coolidge 29463% 29464I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police. 29465 -- Keith Richards 29466 29467I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of 29468bad taste. 29469 -- Keith Richards 29470% 29471I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. 29472 -- W. C. Fields 29473% 29474I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. 29475% 29476I've only got 12 cards. 29477% 29478I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer. 29479 -- Senator Claghorn 29480% 29481I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not 29482like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife; 29483indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand 29484devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this. 29485I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. 29486 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway 29487% 29488I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; 29489And from that full meridian of my glory 29490I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, 29491Like a bright exhalation in the evening 29492And no man see me more. 29493 -- William Shakespeare 29494% 29495I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes 29496me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. 29497 -- Tallulah Bankhead 29498% 29499Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 29500 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 29501 legislature is in session. 29502% 29503jake hates 29504 all the girls(the 29505shy ones, the bold paul scorns all 29506ones; the meek the girls(the 29507proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim 29508all except the cold ones; the slim 29509 ones plump tiny tall) 29510 all except the 29511 dull ones 29512gus loves all the 29513 girls(the 29514warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls 29515ones; the mad (the 29516moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean 29517all except ones; the mean 29518 the dead ones kind dirty clean) 29519 all 29520 except the green ones 29521 -- e. e. cummings 29522% 29523James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total 29524indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. 29525 -- Tom Stoppard 29526% 29527James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his 29528West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, 29529"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." 29530% 29531Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back 29532east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible 29533Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium 29534because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard, 29535by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social 29536grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on 29537television?" and "Good night". 29538 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho 29539 Letters, 1967 29540% 29541Japan, n.: 29542 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists 29543 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It 29544 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are 29545 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from 29546 which they are harvested by the happy natives. 29547% 29548Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. 29549% 29550Jenkinson's Law: 29551 It won't work. 29552% 29553Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. 29554You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! 29555% 29556Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay 29557you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back! 29558% 29559Jim Nasium's Law: 29560 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people 29561 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to 29562 each other so that everybody is cramped. 29563% 29564Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and 29565I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two 29566days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem! 29567% 29568Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel 29569Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it 29570to you. You gonna pay it? 29571% 29572JOB INTERVIEW: 29573 The excruciating process during which personnel officers 29574 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. 29575% 29576Job Placement, n.: 29577 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 29578% 29579Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his Frisbee. 29580 -- Snoopy 29581% 29582Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside. 29583Her voice was little more than a whisper. 29584 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make 29585before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe... 29586I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who 29587forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported 29588your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." 29589 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," 29590whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." 29591% 29592Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 29593% 29594Jogger, n.: 29595 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. 29596% 29597John Dame May Oscar 29598Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde 29599But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton 29600Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder 29601 -- Willard Espy 29602% 29603JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! 29604 29605(George and Ringo miffed.) 29606% 29607John the Baptist after poisoning a thief, 29608Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief, 29609Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief 29610Is there a hole for me to get sick in? 29611The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, 29612Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry. 29613And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, 29614Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken. 29615 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues" 29616% 29617Johnny Carson's Definition: 29618 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs 29619 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the 29620 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. 29621% 29622Johnson's First Law: 29623 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 29624 most inconvenient possible time. 29625% 29626Johnson's law: 29627 Systems resemble the organizations that create them. 29628% 29629Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". 29630Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. 29631% 29632Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, 29633exciting people, and kill them. 29634% 29635Join the march to save individuality! 29636% 29637Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, 29638meet exciting interesting people, and kill them. 29639% 29640Jones' First Law: 29641 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 29642 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an 29643 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the 29644 importance of their original contribution. 29645% 29646Jone's Motto: 29647 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 29648% 29649Jones' Second Law: 29650 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 29651 to blame it on. 29652% 29653Joshu: What is the true Way? 29654Nansen: Every way is the true Way. 29655J: Can I study it? 29656N: The more you study, the further from the Way. 29657J: If I don't study it, how can I know it? 29658N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. 29659 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do 29660 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open 29661 yourself as wide as the sky. 29662% 29663Journalism is literature in a hurry. 29664 -- Matthew Arnold 29665% 29666Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. 29667% 29668Juall's Law on Nice Guys: 29669 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. 29670 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start! 29671% 29672Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that 29673reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away 29674someone else's cash. 29675 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" 29676% 29677Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. 29678Pick one. 29679 296801: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake. 296812: It's cheaper than going to France. 296823: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday. 296834: Life is short. 296845: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone. 296856: It matches my eyes. 296867: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me. 296878: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday. 296889: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating. 2968910: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it. 2969011: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff. 2969112: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli. 29692% 29693Just a song before I go, Going through security 29694To whom it may concern, I held her for so long. 29695Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love, 29696It's easy to get burned. And she was gone. 29697When the shows were over Just a song before I go, 29698We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned. 29699And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound 29700I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned. 29701She helped me with my suitcase, 29702She stands before my eyes, 29703Driving me to the airport 29704And to the friendly skies. 29705 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go" 29706% 29707Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac 29708(and nobody cares about it). 29709 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 29710% 29711Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I 29712cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in 29713daydreams about women. 29714 -- George Bernard Shaw 29715% 29716Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions 29717seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be 29718totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason 29719there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all 29720the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is 29721not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep 29722sense of respect for the whole truth. 29723 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 29724% 29725Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. 29726 -- Irene Peter 29727% 29728Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work. 29729% 29730Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't 29731going to get hit. 29732 -- Joey 29733% 29734Just because the message may never be 29735received does not mean it is not worth sending. 29736% 29737Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they 29738are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see 29739what I mean. 29740 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture 29741% 29742Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. 29743 -- Bob Dylan 29744% 29745Just because your doctor has a name for your 29746condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. 29747% 29748Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 29749% 29750Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, 29751and think to yourself, "There's no place like home." 29752 -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz" 29753% 29754Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. 29755% 29756Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you 29757get a prompt, type like hell. 29758% 29759Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody 29760who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth 29761about his or her love affairs. 29762 -- Rebecca West 29763% 29764Just machines to make big decisions, 29765Programmed by men for compassion and vision, 29766We'll be clean when their work is done, 29767We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young, 29768What a beautiful world this will be, 29769What a glorious time to be free. 29770 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" 29771% 29772Just once, I wish we would encounter 29773an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. 29774 -- The Brigadier, "Doctor Who" 29775% 29776Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some 29777of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated? 29778 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US 29779% 29780Just remember, it all started with a mouse. 29781 -- Walt Disney 29782% 29783Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 29784twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 29785% 29786`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 29787 As he landed his crew with care; 29788Supporting each man on the top of the tide 29789 By a finger entwined in his hair. 29790 29791`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 29792 That alone should encourage the crew. 29793Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 29794 What I tell you three times is true.' 29795 -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark" 29796% 29797Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create 29798a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity. 29799 -- Lionel Lauer 29800% 29801Just to have it is enough. 29802% 29803Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt 29804of all the others, and then do what's best. 29805 -- Lovers and Other Strangers 29806% 29807Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?" 29808% 29809Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a 29810faster rat!!! 29811% 29812Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, 29813Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you, 29814I went out this morning and I wrote down this song, 29815Just can't remember who to send it to... 29816 29817Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, 29818I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, 29819I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, 29820But I always thought that I'd see you again. 29821Thought I'd see you one more time again. 29822 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" 29823% 29824Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! 29825 -- Michael J. Wagner 29826% 29827Justice is incidental to law and order. 29828 -- J. Edgar Hoover 29829% 29830Justice, n.: 29831 A decision in your favor. 29832% 29833K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; 29834 Cobol's wordy and confining; 29835 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; 29836 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. 29837 -- The Roguelet's ABC 29838% 29839Kafka's Law: 29840 In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 29841 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" 29842% 29843Kamikazes do it once. 29844% 29845KANSAS: 29846 Where the men are men and so are the women! 29847% 29848Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to 29849wear tail lights. 29850% 29851Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: 29852 29853For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING 29854package of snack food. 29855 29856Gibson the Cat's Corollary: 29857 29858For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package 29859of lunch meat. 29860% 29861Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child? 29862Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present 29863 at the conception. 29864 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" 29865% 29866Katz' Law: 29867 Men and nations will act rationally when 29868 all other possibilities have been exhausted. 29869 29870History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have 29871exhausted all other alternatives. 29872 -- Abba Eban 29873% 29874Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics: 29875 Population density is inversely proportional 29876 to the square of the distance from the keg. 29877% 29878Kaufman's Law: 29879 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence 29880 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned. 29881% 29882Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. 29883 -- Mae West 29884% 29885Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 29886% 29887Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she 29888With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, 29889Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 29890The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 29891Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... 29892 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" 29893% 29894Keep cool, but don't freeze. 29895 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise 29896% 29897Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 29898% 29899Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 29900% 29901Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: 29902 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 29903 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 29904 force is technically termed "car suck"). 29905 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 29906 than "Watch this!" 29907 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly 29908 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a 29909 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or 29910 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. 29911 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the 29912 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the 29913 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you 29914 in the head and knock you silly. 29915% 29916Keep it short for pithy sake. 29917% 29918Keep on keepin' on. 29919% 29920Keep patting your enemy on the back until a 29921small bullet hole appears between your fingers. 29922 -- Joe Bonanno 29923% 29924Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. 29925 -- D. Gries 29926% 29927Keep the phase, baby. 29928% 29929Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help. 29930% 29931Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way 29932you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you 29933at the end of six months. 29934 -- Moore 29935% 29936Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 29937% 29938Keep your Eye on the Ball, 29939Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 29940Your Nose to the Grindstone, 29941Your Feet on the Ground, 29942Your Head on your Shoulders. 29943Now... try to get something DONE! 29944% 29945Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. 29946 -- Benjamin Franklin 29947% 29948Keep your laws off my body! 29949% 29950Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; 29951Open it and you remove all doubt. 29952% 29953Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most 29954automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the 29955numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the 29956driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the 29957dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know 29958what's wrong." 29959% 29960Kennedy's Market Theorem: 29961 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, 29962 you've got to go broke. 29963% 29964Kent's Heuristic: 29965 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it. 29966% 29967Kern, v.: 29968 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear 29969 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, 29970 metal object used as part of the monetary system. 29971% 29972KERNEL: 29973 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval 29974 traditions of sorcery and black art. 29975% 29976Kettering's Observation: 29977 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. 29978% 29979Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on. 29980% 29981Kids have *_n_e_v_e_r* taken guidance from their parents. If you could 29982travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the 29983original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate 29984teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for 29985grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate 29986teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. 29987 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 29988% 29989Kill a commy for your mommy. 29990% 29991Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out. 29992% 29993Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali! 29994 -- Hindu saying 29995% 29996Kill Kill, 29997Hate Hate, 29998Murder, Maim, and Mutilate! 29999% 30000Kill your parents. 30001 -- Jerry Rubin 30002% 30003Killing turkeys causes winter. 30004% 30005Kilroe hic erat! 30006% 30007Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: 30008 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. 30009% 30010Kin, n.: 30011 An affliction of the blood. 30012% 30013Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. 30014 -- Mark Twain 30015% 30016Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. 30017 -- Muad'dib, "Dune" 30018% 30019Kington's Law of Perforation: 30020 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such 30021 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest 30022 part of the paper. 30023% 30024Kinkler's First Law: 30025 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 30026 30027Kinkler's Second Law: 30028 All the easy problems have been solved. 30029% 30030Kirk to Enterprise... 30031% 30032Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. 30033% 30034Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through 30035any of its streets. 30036% 30037Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. 30038% 30039Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. 30040 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 30041% 30042Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 30043% 30044Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 30045% 30046Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. 30047% 30048Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. 30049% 30050Kissing don't last, cookery do. 30051 -- George Meredith 30052% 30053Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and 30054sapphire bracelet lasts for ever. 30055 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 30056% 30057Kitchen activity is highlighted. 30058Butter up a friend. 30059% 30060Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. 30061 -- Winston Churchill 30062% 30063Klatu barada nikto. 30064% 30065Kleeneness is next to Godelness. 30066% 30067Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within. 30068% 30069Kleptomaniac, n.: 30070 A rich thief. 30071 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 30072% 30073Kliban's First Law of Dining: 30074 Never eat anything bigger than your head. 30075% 30076Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!! 30077100% Damage to life support!!!! 30078% 30079Kludge, n.: 30080 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a 30081 distressing whole. 30082 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation" 30083% 30084Knebel's Law: 30085 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading 30086 causes of statistics. 30087% 30088Knights are hardly worth it. 30089I mean, all that shell and so little meat... 30090% 30091Knock, knock! 30092 Who's there? 30093Sam and Janet. 30094 Sam and Janet who? 30095Sam and Janet Evening... 30096% 30097Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea! 30098[chorus] 30099 Yeay! 30100 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side, 30101 Stay on the Happy side of life! 30102 Bum bum bum bum bum bum 30103 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane, 30104 So Stay on the Happy Side of life! 30105 30106Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?) 30107 An another eather bunny... [chorus] 30108Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?) 30109 Still another ether bunny... [chorus] 30110Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?) 30111 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus] 30112Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?) 30113 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus] 30114Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?) 30115 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus] 30116% 30117Knocked, you weren't in. 30118 -- Opportunity 30119% 30120Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers? 30121 30122-- No? 30123 30124GOOD! 30125% 30126Know Thy User. 30127% 30128Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 30129% 30130Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 30131 -- Henry N. Camp 30132% 30133KNOWLEDGE: 30134 Things you believe. 30135% 30136Knowledge is power. 30137 -- Francis Bacon 30138% 30139Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. 30140 -- Aleister Crowley 30141% 30142Knowledge without common sense is folly. 30143% 30144Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" 30145Pee Wee: "Who's there?" 30146Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." 30147Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" 30148Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" 30149% 30150Kramer's Law: 30151 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 30152% 30153Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): 30154 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. 30155 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 30156% 30157LA: 30158 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed 30159 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. 30160 From mud slides to brush fires. 30161% 30162Labor, n.: 30163 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 30164 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 30165% 30166Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. 30167% 30168Lack of money is the root of all evil. 30169 -- George Bernard Shaw 30170% 30171Lackland's Laws: 30172 1. Never be first. 30173 2. Never be last. 30174 3. Never volunteer for anything. 30175% 30176Lactomangulation, n.: 30177 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 30178 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 30179 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 30180% 30181La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. 30182% 30183Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, 30184Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants, 30185I come before you to stand behind you 30186To tell you of something I know nothing about. 30187Next Thursday (which is good Friday), 30188There will be a convention held in the 30189Women's Club which is strictly for Men. 30190Admission is free, pay at the door, 30191Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor. 30192It was a summer's day in winter, 30193And the snow was raining fast, 30194As a barefoot boy with shoes on, 30195Stood sitting in the grass. 30196Oh, that bright day in the dead of night, 30197Two dead men got up to fight. 30198Three blind men to see fair play, 30199Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"! 30200Back to back, they faced each other, 30201Drew their swords and shot each other. 30202A deaf policeman heard the noise, 30203Came and arrested those two dead boys. 30204% 30205Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big 30206boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's 30207the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or 30208under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan 30209to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with 30210her. 30211 -- Billie Jean King 30212% 30213Lady, lady, should you meet 30214One whose ways are all discreet, 30215One who murmurs that his wife 30216Is the lodestar of his life, 30217One who keeps assuring you 30218That he never was untrue, 30219Never loved another one... 30220Lady, lady, better run! 30221 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" 30222% 30223Lady Luck brings added income today. 30224Lady friend takes it away tonight. 30225% 30226Lady Nancy Astor: 30227 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." 30228Winston Churchill: 30229 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." 30230 30231Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what 30232disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come 30233sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" 30234 30235 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet 30236luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second 30237helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" 30238 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for 30239white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. 30240 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from 30241her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if 30242you would pin this on your white meat." 30243% 30244Ladybug, ladybug, 30245Look to your stern! 30246Your house is on fire, 30247Your children will burn! 30248So jump ye and sing, for 30249The very first time 30250The four lines above 30251Have been put into rhyme. 30252 -- Walt Kelly 30253% 30254Laetrile is the pits. 30255% 30256Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if 30257each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. 30258% 30259Lake Erie died for your sins. 30260% 30261((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) 30262% 30263Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his 30264duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee 30265table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new 30266manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some 30267of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the 30268candy, and said: 30269 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?" 30270% 30271Langsam's Laws: 30272 (1) Everything depends. 30273 (2) Nothing is always. 30274 (3) Everything is sometimes. 30275% 30276Language is a virus from another planet. 30277 -- William Burroughs 30278% 30279Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record. 30280Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? 30281Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 30282 20,000 women. 30283 -- Lank and Earl 30284% 30285Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the 30286[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure, 30287honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that 30288he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee. 30289 -- Richard M. Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross 30290% 30291Large increases in cost with questionable increases in 30292performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. 30293 -- Lord Kelvin 30294% 30295Largest Number of Driving Test Failures 30296 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine 30297times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and 30298twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while 30299driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield, 30300Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August 303011970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was 30302reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns. 30303 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 30304% 30305Larkinson's Law: 30306 All laws are basically false. 30307% 30308LASER: 30309 Failed death ray. 30310% 30311Last guys don't finish nice. 30312 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs 30313% 30314Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up 30315the pillow was gone. 30316 -- Tommy Cooper 30317% 30318Last night I met upon the stair 30319A little man who wasn't there. 30320He wasn't there again today. 30321Gee how I wish he'd go away! 30322% 30323Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... 30324The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. 30325 -- Steven Wright 30326% 30327Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. 30328I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor. 30329% 30330Last week's pet, this week's special. 30331% 30332Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... 30333every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. 30334I don't remember what it was. 30335 -- Steven Wright 30336% 30337Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. 30338% 30339Latin is a language, 30340As dead as can be. 30341First it killed the Romans, 30342And now it's killing me. 30343% 30344Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. 30345% 30346Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 30347% 30348Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. 30349% 30350Laugh at your problems: everybody else does. 30351% 30352Laugh when you can; cry when you must. 30353% 30354Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. 30355% 30356Laughter is the closest distance between two people. 30357 -- Victor Borge 30358% 30359Laura's Law: 30360 No child throws up in the bathroom. 30361% 30362Lavish spending can be disastrous. 30363Don't buy any lavishes for a while. 30364% 30365Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum 30366force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. 30367 -- Richard M. Nixon 30368% 30369Law of Communications: 30370 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 30371 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased 30372 area of misunderstanding. 30373% 30374Law of Continuity: 30375 Experiments should be reproducible. 30376 They should all fail the same way. 30377% 30378Law of Probable Dispersal: 30379 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 30380% 30381Law of Selective Gravity: 30382 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 30383 30384Jenning's Corollary: 30385 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 30386 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 30387% 30388Law of the Jungle: 30389 He who hesitates is lunch. 30390% 30391Law of the Yukon: 30392 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. 30393% 30394Law stands mute in the midst of arms. 30395 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 30396% 30397Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws! 30398% 30399Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. 30400% 30401Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. 30402 -- Otto von Bismarck 30403% 30404Laws of Computer Programming: 30405 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 30406 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 30407 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 30408 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 30409 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 30410 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. 30411 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of 30412 the programmer who must maintain it. 30413% 30414Laws of Serendipity: 30415 30416 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for 30417 something. 30418 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already 30419 be engaged in making an inferior one. 30420% 30421Lawsuit, n.: 30422 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. 30423 -- Ambrose Bierce 30424% 30425Lawyer's Rule: 30426 When the law is against you, argue the facts. 30427 When the facts are against you, argue the law. 30428 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. 30429% 30430Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar. 30431 -- S. J. Perelman 30432% 30433Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". 30434 -- William Shakespeare 30435% 30436Layers are for cakes, not for software. 30437 -- Bart Smaalders 30438% 30439Lays eggs inside a paper bag; 30440The reason, you will see, no doubt, 30441Is to keep the lightning out. 30442But what these unobservant birds 30443Have failed to notice is that herds 30444Of bears may come with buns 30445And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. 30446% 30447Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 30448 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 30449 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 30450% 30451LAZY: 30452 Marrying a pregnant woman. 30453% 30454Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what 30455is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and 30456smaller -- and there are many more of them. 30457 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" 30458% 30459Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own. 30460% 30461Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. 30462% 30463Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 30464% 30465Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. 30466% 30467LEARNING CURVE: 30468 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants 30469 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the 30470 quicker you can do it. 30471% 30472Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and 30473everything else follows in the same way. 30474 -- Alan J. Perlis 30475% 30476Learning without thought is labor lost; 30477thought without learning is perilous. 30478 -- Confucius 30479% 30480Leave no stone unturned. 30481 -- Euripides 30482% 30483Lee's Law: 30484 Mother said there would be days like this, 30485 but she never said that there'd be so many! 30486% 30487Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 30488% 30489Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the 30490fun? 30491% 30492Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 30493 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour 30494unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a 30495drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he 30496can." 30497% 30498Leibowitz's Rule: 30499 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your 30500 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. 30501% 30502Lemma: All horses are the same color. 30503Proof (by induction): 30504 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all 30505 horses in that set are the same color. 30506 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these 30507 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all 30508 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you 30509 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k 30510 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses 30511 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all 30512 horses are the same color. 30513Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. 30514Proof (by intimidation): 30515 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It 30516 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in 30517 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a 30518 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is 30519 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. 30520 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an 30521 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different 30522 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. 30523% 30524Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. 30525% 30526Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. 30527% 30528Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast. 30529% 30530LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22) 30531 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today. 30532 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on 30533 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol. 30534% 30535LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 30536 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. 30537 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest 30538 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. 30539% 30540LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 30541 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your 30542 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got 30543 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can 30544 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. 30545% 30546Lesbian QOTD: 30547I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation. 30548% 30549Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. 30550 -- Publilius Syrus 30551% 30552Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. 30553% 30554Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. 30555 -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" 30556% 30557Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 30558number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and 30559another number. 30560 -- James Estes 30561% 30562Let me not to the marriage of true minds 30563Admit impediments. Love is not love 30564Which alters when it alteration finds, 30565Or bends with the remover to remove. 30566O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, 30567That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 30568It is the star to every wandering bark, 30569Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. 30570Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 30571Within his bending sickle's compass come; 30572Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 30573But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 30574 If this be error and upon me proved, 30575 I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 30576 -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI 30577% 30578Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. 30579% 30580Let me take you a button-hole lower. 30581 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 30582% 30583Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have 30584George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing 30585wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval 30586of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing 30587praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) 30588Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George 30589in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute 30590for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped 30591around his neck. 30592 -- Dave Barry 30593% 30594Let my own body be exhausted, 30595But not the wealth of my state. 30596Let my mortal body vanish, 30597But not the power of my state. 30598 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 30599% 30600Let no guilty man escape. 30601 -- U. S. Grant 30602% 30603Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. 30604% 30605Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. 30606 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18) 30607% 30608Let sleeping dogs lie. 30609 -- Charles Dickens 30610% 30611Let the machine do the dirty work. 30612 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style" 30613% 30614Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. 30615 -- James Thurber 30616% 30617Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. 30618 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 30619% 30620Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way 30621they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief. 30622 -- Al Capone 30623% 30624Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. 30625 -- Benjamin Franklin 30626% 30627Let us go then you and I 30628while the night is laid out against the sky 30629like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie. 30630 30631Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over? 30632 -- Ezra 30633% 30634Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, 30635The muttering retreats 30636Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels 30637And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: 30638Streets that follow like a tedious argument 30639Of insidious intent 30640To lead you to an overwhelming question... 30641Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" 30642 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" 30643% 30644Let us live!!! 30645Let us love!!! 30646Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 30647 30648You first. 30649% 30650Let us never negotiate out of fear, 30651but let us never fear to negotiate. 30652 -- John F. Kennedy 30653% 30654Let us not look back in anger or forward 30655in fear, but around us in awareness. 30656 -- James Thurber 30657% 30658Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. 30659% 30660Let us treat men and women well; 30661Treat them as if they were real; 30662Perhaps they are. 30663 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 30664% 30665Let your conscience be your guide. 30666 -- Pope 30667% 30668L'etat c'est moi. 30669[The state, that's me.] 30670 -- Louis XIV 30671% 30672Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. 30673% 30674Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 30675relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 30676really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. 30677For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities 30678I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy... 30679Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back." 30680 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 30681% 30682Let's love each other slowly, 30683reaching for a plane, 30684of exquisite pleasure, 30685and delicate pain. 30686 -- Adam Beslove 30687% 30688Let's not complicate our relationship 30689by trying to communicate with each other. 30690% 30691Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. 30692% 30693Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. 30694 -- Austen Briggs 30695% 30696Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your 30697hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental 30698Anguish. You would sue: 30699 30700* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 30701 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 30702 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 30703 in there". 30704 30705* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 30706 cretin like yourself. 30707 30708* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 30709 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 30710 a large cash settlement anyway. 30711 -- Dave Barry 30712% 30713Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often 30714overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of 30715dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your 30716tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to 30717spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe 30718money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will 30719probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? 30720It's not his money. 30721 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 30722% 30723LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) 30724 30725Dear Sir, 30726 30727I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 30728to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in 30729public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result 30730in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn 30731will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed 30732agricultural industry. 30733 30734Yours faithfully, 30735 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 30736 Sevenoaks 30737% 30738LEVERAGE: 30739 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks 30740 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. 30741% 30742Leveraging always beats prototyping. 30743% 30744Lewis's Law of Travel: 30745 The first piece of luggage out of the 30746 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. 30747% 30748L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. 30749 -- L. Pasteur 30750% 30751Liar, n.: 30752 A lawyer with a roving commission. 30753 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 30754% 30755Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. 30756 -- Oliver Herford 30757% 30758LIBERAL: 30759 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. 30760% 30761Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into 30762trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you. 30763 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo 30764% 30765Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. 30766 -- The Best of Will Rogers 30767% 30768Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. 30769 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick 30770% 30771LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 30772 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire 30773 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone 30774 is watching you, so stop staring like that. 30775% 30776LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) 30777 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way 30778 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but 30779 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out 30780 of bed today. 30781% 30782Lie, n.: 30783 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one 30784 discovered to date. 30785% 30786Lieberman's Law: 30787 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 30788% 30789Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! 30790 -- Ma Barker 30791% 30792LIFE: 30793 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 30794% 30795LIFE: 30796 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one. 30797% 30798LIFE: 30799 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. 30800% 30801Life -- Love It or Leave It. 30802% 30803Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. 30804 -- Miss November, 1966 30805% 30806Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. 30807 -- Paul Gauguin 30808% 30809Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow. 30810% 30811Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. 30812It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies. 30813% 30814Life exists for no known purpose. 30815% 30816Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society 30817being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible 30818thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money 30819system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex. 30820 -- Valerie Solanas 30821% 30822Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding 30823environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a 30824round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. 30825% 30826Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way 30827out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. 30828 -- Woody Allen 30829% 30830Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. 30831 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" 30832% 30833Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more 30834important than something else. If what already is, is more important 30835than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what 30836isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll. 30837 -- Werner Erhard 30838% 30839Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed. 30840% 30841Life is a glorious cycle of song, 30842A medley of extemporania; 30843And love is thing that can never go wrong; 30844And I am Marie of Roumania. 30845 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" 30846% 30847Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. 30848 -- Helen Keller 30849% 30850Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed. 30851% 30852Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to 30853change his bed. 30854 -- Charles Baudelaire 30855% 30856Life is a series of rude awakenings. 30857 -- R. V. Winkle 30858% 30859Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, 30860humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. 30861 -- Clarence Darrow 30862% 30863Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality. 30864% 30865Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 30866% 30867Life is an exciting business, and most 30868exciting when it is lived for others. 30869% 30870Life is both difficult and time consuming. 30871% 30872Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you. 30873% 30874Life is difficult because it is non-linear. 30875% 30876Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. 30877 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 30878% 30879Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. 30880% 30881Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits? 30882% 30883Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. 30884% 30885Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. 30886 -- C. Schultz 30887% 30888Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to 30889eat it nevertheless. 30890 -- Flaubert 30891% 30892Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it. 30893% 30894Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. 30895% 30896Life is like a sewer. 30897What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. 30898 -- Tom Lehrer 30899% 30900Life is like a simile. 30901% 30902Life is like a tin of sardines. 30903We're, all of us, looking for the key. 30904 -- Beyond the Fringe 30905% 30906Life is like an analogy. 30907% 30908Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- 30909you can lick it, but it still won't go away. 30910% 30911Life is like an onion: you peel it off 30912one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. 30913 -- Carl Sandburg 30914% 30915Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after 30916layer and then you find there is nothing in it. 30917 -- James Huneker 30918% 30919Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was 30920going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then 30921being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. 30922% 30923Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're 30924the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same. 30925% 30926Life is not for everyone. 30927% 30928Life is one long struggle in the dark. 30929 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 30930% 30931Life is the childhood of our immortality. 30932 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 30933% 30934Life is the living you do, 30935Death is the living you don't do. 30936 -- Joseph Pintauro 30937% 30938Life is the urge to ecstasy. 30939% 30940Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. 30941% 30942Life is too important to take seriously. 30943 -- Corky Siegel 30944% 30945Life is too short to be taken seriously. 30946 -- Oscar Wilde 30947% 30948Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. 30949 -- Storm Jameson 30950% 30951Life is wasted on the living. 30952 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe" 30953% 30954Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. 30955 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" 30956% 30957Life, like beer, is merely borrowed. 30958 -- Don Reed 30959% 30960Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it. 30961 -- Marvin, from 30962 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 30963% 30964Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, 30965it may have a meaning of which you disapprove. 30966% 30967Life only demands from you the strength you possess. 30968Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. 30969 -- Dag Hammarskjold 30970% 30971Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention 30972of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but 30973rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, 30974and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!! 30975% 30976Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but 30977certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and 30978I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can 30979afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have 30980absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more 30981embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible). 30982% 30983Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. 30984 -- Thomas J. Kopp 30985% 30986Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility. 30987 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie 30988% 30989Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. 30990 -- Sanka Ad 30991% 30992Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it 30993weren't for other people. 30994 -- Blore 30995% 30996Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 30997 -- Dave Olson 30998% 30999Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. 31000 -- George Bernard Shaw 31001% 31002Life's too short to dance with ugly women. 31003% 31004Lift every voice and sing 31005Till earth and heaven ring, 31006Ring with the harmonies of Liberty; 31007Let our rejoicing rise 31008High as the listening skies, 31009Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. 31010 31011Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. 31012Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us. 31013Facing the rising sun of our new day begun, 31014Let us march on till victory is won. 31015 -- James Weldon Johnson 31016% 31017Lighten up, while you still can, 31018Don't even try to understand, 31019Just find a place to make your stand, 31020And take it easy. 31021 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy" 31022% 31023LIGHTHOUSE: 31024 A tall building on the seashore in which the government 31025 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. 31026% 31027LIKE: 31028 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence. 31029% 31030Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate 31031the difference between one young woman and another. 31032 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara" 31033% 31034Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, 31035shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm 31036as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like 31037bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; 31038she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a 31039man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the 31040right road: a man like Alf Romeo. 31041 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner 31042 31043The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never 31044see her little dog Pritzi again. 31045 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up 31046 31047It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a 31048tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it 31049was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. 31050 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up 31051 31052Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is 31053named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy 31054night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the 31055worst possible novel. 31056% 31057Like corn in a field I cut you down, 31058I threw the last punch way too hard, 31059After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time, 31060To throw in my hand for a new set of cards. 31061And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend, 31062I figured we'd painted too much of this town, 31063And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon, 31064And I knew then I had lost what should have been found, 31065I knew then I had lost what should have been found. 31066 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford 31067 I'm as low as a paid assassin is 31068 You know I'm cold as a hired sword. 31069 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up, 31070 You know I can't think straight no more 31071 You make me feel like a bullet, honey, 31072 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford. 31073 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet" 31074% 31075Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille 31076weren't so damned great! 31077 -- Armistead Maupin 31078% 31079Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, 31080if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not 31081now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe 31082like the Rolling Stones? 31083 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote 31084 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.) 31085% 31086Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. 31087It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches 31088over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow 31089His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the 31090other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their 31091religions. 31092 -- Benjamin Spock 31093% 31094Like punning, programming is a play on words. 31095% 31096Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct 31097a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. 31098 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 31099% 31100Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 31101for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 31102 -- Alan McKay 31103% 31104Like the time I ran away... 31105And turned around and you were standing close to me. 31106 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken" 31107% 31108Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. 31109% 31110Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the 31111creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their 31112essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving 31113the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting 31114rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun. 31115 -- Senior Year Quote 31116% 31117Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's 31118place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: 31119 31120 Q -- Is there life after death? 31121 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New 31122Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", 31123then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was 31124fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have 31125spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful 31126headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back 31127to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I 31128guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long 31129as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. 31130 -- Dave Barry 31131% 31132Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, 31133wins few friends, Germans excepted. 31134 -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" 31135% 31136Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. 31137Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946. 31138 31139Lincoln was elected president in November 1860. 31140Kennedy in November 1960. 31141 31142Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to 31143the theatre. 31144Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going 31145to Dallas. 31146 31147Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse. 31148Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre. 31149 31150Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. 31151Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. 31152 31153The first Johnson was born in 1808. 31154The second Johnson was born in 1908. 31155 31156 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", Nov. 26, 2001 31157% 31158Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. 31159% 31160"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" 31161Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. 31162 31163Until he died, and so reached that vicinity: 31164in it he found that the damned things diverged. 31165 -- Piet Hein 31166% 31167Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. 31168 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great! 31169Snoopy: That's nice to know. 31170 The secret of life is to look good at a distance. 31171% 31172Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. 31173 Maybe we should think only about today. 31174Charlie Brown: 31175 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday 31176 will get better. 31177% 31178Linus' Law: 31179 There is no heavier burden than a great potential. 31180% 31181Lions in the street and roaming, 31182Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming, 31183A beast caged in the heart of the city. 31184The body of his mother lying in the summer ground, 31185He fled the town. 31186Went down south across the border, 31187Left the chaos and disorder 31188Back there, over his shoulder. 31189One morning he awoke in a green hotel, 31190A strange creature groaning beside him. 31191Sweat oozed from its shiny skin. 31192Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. 31193 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard" 31194% 31195LISP: 31196 To call a spade a thpade. 31197% 31198Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 31199Lisp Machine is Fun. 31200Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 31201Fun for everyone. 31202% 31203Lisp Users: 31204Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection. 31205% 31206Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out 31207the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, 31208but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the 31209right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. 31210But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of 31211bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. 31212This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects 31213their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing 31214that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously 31215just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even 31216a panacea so alleged. 31217 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the 31218 government been lacking in courage and boldness in 31219 facing up to the recession?" 31220% 31221Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life 31222is the other way round. 31223 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down" 31224% 31225Littering is dumb. 31226 -- Ronald Macdonald 31227% 31228Little Fly, 31229Thy summer's play If thought is life 31230My thoughtless hand And strength & breath, 31231Has brush'd away. And the want 31232 Of thought is death, 31233Am not I 31234A fly like thee? Then am I 31235Or art not thou A happy fly 31236A man like me? If I live 31237 Or if I die. 31238 31239For I dance 31240And drink & sing, 31241Till some blind hand 31242Shall brush my wing. 31243 -- William Blake, "The Fly" 31244% 31245Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. 31246 -- Lazarus Long 31247% 31248Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very 31249sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring... 31250% 31251Little Known Facts, #23: 31252 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get 31253 the BMW repair garage? 31254% 31255Little Mary on the ice, 31256Went out to have a frisk, 31257Now wasn't little Mary nice, 31258Her pretty *? 31259% 31260Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! 31261 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature") 31262% 31263Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. 31264 -- James Dean 31265% 31266Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night! 31267% 31268Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. 31269% 31270Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is 31271published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. 31272 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 31273% 31274Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. 31275 -- Josh Billings 31276% 31277Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when 31278you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. 31279 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial 31280% 31281Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola. 31282What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits. 31283% 31284Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. 31285What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. 31286% 31287Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. 31288 -- Candice Bergen 31289% 31290Living in New York City gives people real incentives 31291to want things that nobody else wants. 31292 -- Andy Warhol 31293% 31294Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat 31295like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. 31296% 31297Living on Earth may be expensive, but it 31298includes an annual free trip around the Sun. 31299% 31300LIVING YOUR LIFE: 31301 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. 31302% 31303Lizzie Borden took an axe, 31304And plunged it deep into the VAX; 31305Don't you envy people who 31306Do all the things _Y_O_U want to do? 31307% 31308Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. 31309 -- Henry David Thoreau 31310% 31311Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these 31312interest rates, we don't need it." 31313% 31314Lobster: 31315 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish 31316 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper 31317 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your 31318 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're 31319 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on 31320 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the 31321 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty 31322 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then 31323 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will 31324 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will 31325 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. 31326 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly 31327 you and your friends will be, too. 31328 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances 31329 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies 31330% 31331Lockwood's Long Shot: 31332 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street 31333 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. 31334% 31335Logic doesn't apply to the real world. 31336 -- Marvin Minsky 31337% 31338Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_a_w_f_u_l*. 31339% 31340Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. 31341% 31342Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! 31343% 31344Logicians have but ill defined 31345As rational the human kind. 31346Logic, they say, belongs to man, 31347But let them prove it if they can. 31348 -- Oliver Goldsmith 31349% 31350LOGO for the Dead 31351 31352LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from 31353"The Other Side." 31354 31355The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you 31356turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's 31357graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this 31358side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that 31359your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then 31360interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program 31361lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic 31362Bulletin Board System). 31363 31364LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate 31365from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101. 31366 -- '80 Microcomputing 31367% 31368Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. 31369% 31370Lonely is a man without love. 31371 -- Engelbert Humperdinck 31372% 31373Lonely men seek companionship. 31374Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. 31375% 31376Lonesome? 31377 31378Like a change? 31379Like a new job? 31380Like excitement? 31381Like to meet new and interesting people? 31382 31383JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!! 31384% 31385Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency 31386be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. 31387The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young. 31388 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 31389% 31390Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught. 31391% 31392Long life is in store for you. 31393% 31394Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and 31395long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his 31396pain and his aloneness without regret? 31397 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet" 31398% 31399Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past. 31400% 31401Look afar and see the end from the beginning. 31402% 31403Look at it this way: 31404Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought 31405home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. 31406And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 31407% 31408Look at it this way: 31409Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to 31410forget $26,000 of college education. 31411And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 31412% 31413Look before you leap. 31414 -- Samuel Butler 31415% 31416Look ere ye leap. 31417 -- John Heywood 31418% 31419Look out! Behind you! 31420% 31421Look up and not down, look forward and not back, look out and not in, 31422and lend a hand. 31423 -- Edward Everett Hale, "Lowell Institute Lectures" (1869) 31424% 31425Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us 31426to pay income taxes, too? 31427 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox 31428% 31429Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, 31430con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this 31431country was built. 31432 -- Hubert Allen 31433% 31434Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... 31435 -- Stephen Sondheim 31436% 31437Loose bits sink chips. 31438% 31439Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. 31440 -- Charles D'Hericault 31441% 31442Lord, what fools these mortals be! 31443 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream" 31444% 31445Losing your drivers' license is just 31446God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" 31447% 31448Lost: gray and white female cat. 31449Answers to electric can opener. 31450% 31451Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. 31452% 31453Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. 31454% 31455Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. 31456 -- Frank Hubbard 31457% 31458Lots of girls can be had for a song. 31459Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march. 31460% 31461Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in 31462Halstead, Kansas. 31463% 31464Louie Louie, me gotta go 31465Louie Louie, me gotta go 31466 31467Fine little girl she waits for me 31468Me catch the ship for cross the sea 31469Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea 31470Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly 31471(chorus) On the ship I dream she there 31472 I smell the rose in her hair 31473Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo) 31474It won't be long, me see my love 31475I take her in my arms and then 31476Me tell her I never leave again 31477 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie" 31478% 31479LOVE: 31480 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours. 31481% 31482LOVE: 31483 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope. 31484% 31485LOVE: 31486 When, if asked to choose between your lover 31487 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat. 31488% 31489LOVE: 31490 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears. 31491% 31492LOVE: 31493 When you don't want someone too close-- 31494 because you're very sensitive to pleasure. 31495% 31496LOVE: 31497 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning. 31498% 31499Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood. 31500% 31501Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. 31502% 31503Love America - or give it back. 31504% 31505Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 31506% 31507Love at first sight is one of the greatest 31508labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. 31509% 31510Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. 31511 -- Sigmund Freud 31512% 31513Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. 31514 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 31515% 31516Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. 31517Love isn't love 'til you give it away. 31518 -- Oscar Hammerstein II 31519% 31520Love is a grave mental disease. 31521 -- Plato 31522% 31523Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. 31524 -- Matt Groening 31525% 31526Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips 31527over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. 31528 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" 31529% 31530Love is a word that is constantly heard, 31531Hate is a word that is not. 31532Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 31533Love, I have read, is hot. 31534But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 31535And Love but a drug on the mart. 31536Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 31537But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 31538 -- Ogden Nash 31539% 31540Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and 31541go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your 31542arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. 31543% 31544Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real 31545with the ideal never goes unpunished. 31546 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 31547% 31548Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. 31549 -- Dr. Karl Bowman 31550% 31551Love is being stupid together. 31552 -- Paul Valery 31553% 31554Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed 31555around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a 31556Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself. 31557% 31558Love is in the offing. 31559 -- The Homicidal Maniac 31560% 31561Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. 31562% 31563Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very 31564pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love 31565grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning 31566and unquenchable. 31567 -- Bruce Lee 31568% 31569Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. 31570 -- Jerome K. Jerome 31571% 31572Love is never asking why? 31573% 31574Love is not enough, but it sure helps. 31575% 31576Love is sentimental measles. 31577% 31578Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. 31579% 31580Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex 31581raises some pretty good questions. 31582 -- Woody Allen 31583% 31584Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 31585 -- H. L. Mencken 31586% 31587Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted 31588pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution. 31589 -- Charles Baudelaire 31590% 31591Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. 31592 -- M. Hirschfield 31593% 31594Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. 31595 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 31596% 31597Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 31598 -- H. L. Mencken 31599% 31600Love IS what it's cracked up to be. 31601% 31602Love is what you've been through with somebody. 31603 -- James Thurber 31604% 31605Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid. 31606% 31607Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles. 31608 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps" 31609% 31610Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular 31611momentum. 31612% 31613Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. 31614 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" 31615% 31616Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 31617% 31618Love means never having to say you're sorry. 31619 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story" 31620 31621That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. 31622 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?" 31623% 31624Love means nothing to a tennis player. 31625% 31626Love tells us many things that are not so. 31627 -- Krainian proverb 31628% 31629Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. 31630% 31631Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 31632 -- Louise Beal 31633% 31634Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. 31635% 31636Love to eat them mousies, 31637Mousies I love to eat. 31638Bite they little heads off, 31639Nibble at they tiny feet. 31640 -- Kliban 31641% 31642Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, 31643 seized this one for the fair form 31644 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still. 31645Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, 31646 seized me so strongly with delight in him, 31647 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now. 31648Love brought us to one death. 31649 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 31650% 31651Love your enemies: they'll go crazy 31652trying to figure out what you're up to. 31653% 31654Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. 31655 -- Benjamin Franklin 31656% 31657Lowery's Law: 31658 If it jams -- force it. If it 31659 breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 31660% 31661LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 31662% 31663Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 31664 There's always one more bug. 31665% 31666Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable 31667British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The 31668Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture 31669nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British 31670don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm 31671beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. 31672% 31673Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. 31674 -- Russell Banks 31675% 31676Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. 31677 -- P. E. Trudeau 31678% 31679Lucky, adj.: 31680 When you have a wife and a cigarette 31681 lighter -- both of which work. 31682% 31683Lucky is he for whom the belle toils. 31684% 31685Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do. 31686 Can't you be serious for once? 31687Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think 31688 of the more important things in life! 31689 (pause) 31690 Tomorrow!! 31691% 31692Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. 31693 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" 31694% 31695Lunatic Asylum, n.: 31696 The place where optimism most flourishes. 31697% 31698Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. 31699 -- Bergan Evans 31700% 31701Lysistrata had a good idea. 31702% 31703Ma Bell is a mean mother! 31704% 31705MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. 31706% 31707Machine-Independent, adj.: 31708 Does not run on any existing machine. 31709% 31710Machine-independent program: 31711 A program that will not run on any machine. 31712% 31713Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, 31714and play games -- but not with pleasure. 31715 -- Leo Rosten 31716% 31717Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. 31718 -- Andy Warhol 31719% 31720Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the 31721repairman arrives. 31722% 31723Macho does not prove mucho. 31724 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor 31725% 31726Mad, adj.: 31727 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 31728 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31729% 31730Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- 31731if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 31732 -- W. C. Fields 31733% 31734Madison's Inquiry: 31735 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 31736% 31737Madness takes its toll. 31738% 31739MAFIA, n.: 31740 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance 31741Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore 31742subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is 31743rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy 31744reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP 31745operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that 31746MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped 31747variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex 31748security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a 31749more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an 31750imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES 31751options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. 31752Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a 31753powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and 31754entire nodal aggravations. 31755 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 31756% 31757Magary's Principle: 31758 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any 31759 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do 31760 the cutting, and the public's services are cut. 31761% 31762Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. 31763% 31764Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism 31765 31766Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 31767 31768The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works 31769of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject 31770with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human 31771knowledge. 31772 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31773% 31774Magnocartic, adj.: 31775 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping 31776 carts. 31777 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 31778% 31779Magpie, n.: 31780 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested 31781 to someone that it might be taught to talk. 31782 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31783% 31784MAIDEN AUNT: 31785 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle." 31786% 31787Maiden, n.: 31788 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and 31789 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical 31790 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. 31791 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her 31792 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to 31793 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to 31794 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the 31795 canary -- which, also, is more portable. 31796 31797Male, n.: 31798 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the 31799 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus 31800 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. 31801 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31802% 31803Maier's Law: 31804 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 31805 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 31806 31807Corollaries: 31808 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 31809 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 31810 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 31811 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 31812% 31813Main's Law: 31814 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 31815% 31816Maintainer's Motto: 31817 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 31818% 31819Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward! 31820Seagoon: Only in the holiday season. 31821Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward! 31822% 31823Major premise: 31824 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man. 31825Minor premise: 31826 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 31827Conclusion: 31828 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 31829 31830Secondary Conclusion: 31831 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people 31832 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? 31833% 31834Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly 31835 as one man. 31836 31837Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 31838 31839Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 31840 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31841% 31842Majorities, of course, start with minorities. 31843 -- Robert Moses 31844% 31845Majority, n.: 31846 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 31847% 31848Make a wish, it might come true. 31849% 31850Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home. 31851% 31852Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! 31853% 31854Make it right before you make it faster. 31855% 31856Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. 31857 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham 31858% 31859Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. 31860% 31861Make war not sex. (It's safer.) 31862% 31863Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 31864tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has 31865been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the 31866message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 31867 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 31868% 31869Malek's Law: 31870 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 31871% 31872MALPRACTICE: 31873 The reason surgeons wear masks. 31874% 31875Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good 31876 joke?" 31877 31878Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- 31879 31880Man 1: _T_I_M_I_N_G! 31881% 31882Man and wife make one fool. 31883% 31884Man belongs wherever he wants to go. 31885 -- Wernher von Braun 31886% 31887Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because 31888he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while 31889all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good 31890time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were 31891far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 31892 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 31893% 31894Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. 31895 -- Fred Allen 31896% 31897Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. 31898% 31899Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 31900 -- Lily Tomlin 31901% 31902Man is a military animal, 31903Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. 31904 -- P. J. Bailey 31905% 31906Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon 31907to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 31908 -- Oscar Wilde 31909% 31910Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- 31911no dog exchanges bones with another. 31912 -- Adam Smith 31913% 31914Man is by nature a political animal. 31915 -- Aristotle 31916% 31917Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... 31918and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 31919 -- Wernher von Braun 31920% 31921Man is the measure of all things. 31922 -- Protagoras 31923% 31924Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 31925 -- Mark Twain 31926% 31927Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms 31928with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 31929 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) 31930% 31931Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; 31932for he is the only animal that is struck with the 31933difference between what things are and what they ought to be. 31934 -- William Hazlitt 31935% 31936Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. 31937 -- Arthur R. Miller 31938% 31939Man, n.: 31940 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks 31941 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 31942 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own 31943 species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity 31944 as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. 31945 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31946% 31947Man proposes, God disposes. 31948 -- Thomas a Kempis 31949% 31950Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it 31951is an enemy. 31952 -- Albert Einstein 31953% 31954Man who arrives at party two hours late 31955will find he has been beaten to the punch. 31956% 31957Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. 31958% 31959Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. 31960% 31961Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey. 31962% 31963Man will never fly. 31964Space travel is merely a dream. 31965All aspirin is alike. 31966% 31967Management: How many feet do mice have? 31968Reply: Mice have four feet. 31969M: Elaborate! 31970R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. 31971M: No discussion of fifth appendage! 31972R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. 31973M: What? Feet with no legs? 31974R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. 31975M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? 31976R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. 31977M: Does not fully discuss the issue! 31978R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg 31979 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail 31980 is not equipped with a foot. 31981M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! 31982R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, 31983 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would 31984 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. 31985M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! 31986R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined 31987 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also 31988 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and 31989 ornamental in nature. 31990M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! 31991R: Mice have four feet. 31992% 31993MANAGEMENT: 31994 The art of getting other people to do all the work. 31995% 31996MANAGER: 31997 A man known for giving great meeting. 31998% 31999Mandrell: "You know what I think?" 32000Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you 32001 don't think, right?" 32002 -- "Doctor Who" 32003% 32004Man-hour, n.: 32005 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. 32006% 32007Manic-depressive, n.: 32008 Easy glum, easy glow. 32009% 32010Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. 32011 -- Plotinus 32012% 32013Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, 32014dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive 32015man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the 32016air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first 32017primitive umpire. 32018 32019What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as 32020mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. 32021 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 32022% 32023Manly's Maxim: 32024 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion 32025 with confidence. 32026% 32027Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. 32028% 32029Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens? 32030% 32031Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual 32032conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. 32033 -- Sydney J. Harris 32034% 32035Manual, n.: 32036 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given 32037 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information 32038 you need is in the others. 32039 -- Ray Simard 32040% 32041Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. 32042 -- George M. Cohan 32043% 32044Many a family tree needs trimming. 32045% 32046Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It 32047is not so. It is so. It is not so. 32048 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack" 32049% 32050Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will 32051get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind. 32052 -- Finley Peter Dunne 32053% 32054Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer 32055can easily support two or more. 32056% 32057Many a writer seems to think he is never profound 32058except when he can't understand his own meaning. 32059 -- George D. Prentice 32060% 32061Many are called, few are chosen. 32062Fewer still get to do the choosing. 32063% 32064Many are called, few volunteer. 32065% 32066Many are cold, but few are frozen. 32067% 32068Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. 32069% 32070Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a 32071certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the 32072devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of 32073their data processing systems. 32074 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 32075% 32076Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is 32077weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and 32078weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, 32079but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, 32080he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert. 32081 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed" 32082% 32083Many hands make light work. 32084 -- John Heywood 32085% 32086Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales. 32087% 32088Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance, 32089the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their 32090fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the 32091Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally 32092read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time 32093by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They 32094are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers 32095successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations 32096should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still, 32097while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether. 32098 -- Francis Galton, 1909 32099% 32100Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing 32101tricks on me and treating me badly. 32102 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur 32103% 32104Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their 32105life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses. 32106 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981 32107% 32108Many pages make a thick book. 32109% 32110Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very 32111thin paper. 32112% 32113Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice 32114which will recommend that they do what they want to do. 32115% 32116Many people are secretly interested in life. 32117% 32118Many people are unenthusiastic about their work. 32119% 32120Many people are unenthusiastic about your work. 32121% 32122Many people feel that if you won't let 32123them make you happy, they'll make you suffer. 32124% 32125Many people feel that they deserve some kind of 32126recognition for all the bad things they haven't done. 32127% 32128Many people resent being treated like the person they really are. 32129% 32130Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do. 32131 -- Bertrand Russell 32132% 32133Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. 32134% 32135Many receive advice, few profit by it. 32136 -- Publilius Syrus 32137% 32138Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon, 32139there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 32140was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 32141completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... 32142 -- Walt Kelly 32143% 32144Margaret, are you grieving 32145Over Goldengrove unleaving? 32146Leaves, like the things of man, 32147You, with your fresh thoughts 32148Care for, can you? 32149Ah! as the heart grows older 32150It will come to such sights colder 32151By and by, nor spare a sigh 32152Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie 32153And yet you will weep and know why. 32154Now no matter, child, the name 32155Sorrow's springs are the same: 32156It is the blight man was born for, 32157It is Margaret you mourn for. 32158 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins 32159% 32160Marigold: Jealousy 32161Mint: Virute 32162Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness 32163Orchid: Beauty, magnificence 32164Pansy: Thoughts 32165Peach blossom: I am your captive 32166Petunia: Your presence soothes me 32167Poppy: Sleep 32168Rose, any color: Love 32169Rose, deep red: Bashful shame 32170Rose, single, pink: Simplicity 32171Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment 32172Rose, white: I am worthy of you 32173Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy 32174Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love 32175Rosemary: Remembrance 32176Sunflower: Haughtiness 32177Tulip, red: Declaration of love 32178Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love 32179Violet, blue: Faithfulness 32180Violet, white: Modesty 32181Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends 32182 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 32183% 32184Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!". 32185% 32186Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students 32187who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize 32188it in order to protect themselves. 32189 -- Lenny Bruce 32190% 32191Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 32192 Dentists are incapable of asking questions 32193 that require a simple yes or no answer. 32194% 32195MARRIAGE: 32196 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply 32197 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing 32198 that love. In short, commitment to an institution. 32199% 32200MARRIAGE: 32201 Convertible bonds. 32202% 32203Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of 32204insincerity possible between two human beings. 32205 -- Vicki Baum 32206% 32207Marriage causes dating problems. 32208% 32209Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. 32210 -- Edmond About 32211% 32212Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. 32213% 32214Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm 32215not ready for an institution yet. 32216 -- Mae West 32217% 32218Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be 32219surprised at the large number that re-enlist. 32220 -- James Garner 32221% 32222Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. 32223% 32224Marriage is a three ring circus: 32225engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 32226 -- Roger Price 32227% 32228Marriage is an institution in which two undertake 32229to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing. 32230% 32231Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer 32232exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work 32233in the brewery. 32234 -- George Jean Nathan 32235% 32236Marriage is learning about women the hard way. 32237% 32238Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with 32239chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. 32240% 32241Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. 32242 -- Baskins 32243% 32244Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the 32245burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place. 32246 -- Calvin Trillin 32247% 32248Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 32249 -- Voltaire 32250% 32251Marriage is the process of finding out what 32252kind of man your wife would have preferred. 32253% 32254Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions. 32255% 32256Marriage, n.: 32257 The evil aye. 32258% 32259Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. 32260 -- John Lyly 32261% 32262Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months. 32263% 32264MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives 32265connected by a thin strand. 32266 32267Come on, Marta, grow up. 32268 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 32269% 32270MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most 32271of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its 32272territory from invasion by another group." 32273 32274"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. 32275 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 32276% 32277Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it? 32278Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. 32279 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues" 32280% 32281'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. 32282 -- George Bernard Shaw 32283% 32284Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me! 32285What a finely tuned response to the situation! 32286% 32287Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, 32288and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged 32289Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend 32290grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?" 32291 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've 32292named a drink Fred?" 32293% 32294Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: 32295 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants. 32296% 32297Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, 32298And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. 32299It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail. 32300It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail. 32301She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels, 32302And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals. 32303It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended. 32304The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended. 32305The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat, 32306Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat. 32307Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her. 32308So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer. 32309 -- Alma Garcia 32310% 32311Maryann's Law: 32312 You can always find what you're not looking for. 32313% 32314Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on 32315the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam 32316dancing. 32317 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 32318% 32319Maslow's Maxim: 32320 If the only tool you have is a hammer, 32321 you treat everything like a nail. 32322% 32323Mason's First Law of Synergism: 32324The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 32325% 32326Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. 32327% 32328Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The 32329price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute. 32330 -- Thomas Scoville 32331% 32332Masturbation is the thinking man's television. 32333 -- Christopher Hampton 32334% 32335Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! 32336 -- Monty Python 32337% 32338Mater artium necessitas. 32339 [Necessity is the mother of invention]. 32340% 32341Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 32342 -- Malcolm Smith 32343% 32344MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! 32345 Please, don't drink and derive. 32346 32347 Mathematicians 32348 Against 32349 Drunk 32350 Deriving 32351% 32352Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 32353 -- R. Drabek 32354% 32355Mathematician, n.: 32356 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. 32357% 32358Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate 32359into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. 32360 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 32361% 32362Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 32363described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can 32364play. 32365 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by 32366 James Blish 32367% 32368Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. 32369 -- Henry Adams 32370% 32371Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts 32372to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. 32373 -- Albert Einstein 32374% 32375Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what 32376one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. 32377 -- Russell 32378% 32379Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- 32380a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any 32381part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, 32382yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the 32383greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense 32384of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is 32385to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. 32386 -- Bertrand Russell 32387% 32388Matrimony is the root of all evil. 32389% 32390Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. 32391% 32392Matter cannot be created or destroyed, 32393nor can it be returned without a receipt. 32394% 32395Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. 32396% 32397[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment 32398where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand 32399more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. 32400 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 32401% 32402Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 32403 -- Jules Feiffer 32404% 32405Matz's Law: 32406 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 32407% 32408May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard 32409versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. 32410% 32411May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts 32412% 32413May all your Emus lay soft boiled eggs, and may all your 32414Kangaroos be born with iPods already fitted. 32415 -- Aussie New Years wish, found on hasselbladinfo.com 32416% 32417May all your PUSHes be POPped. 32418% 32419May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! 32420% 32421May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. 32422% 32423May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 32424% 32425May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. 32426% 32427May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may 32428God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may 32429he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. 32430% 32431May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. 32432% 32433May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters. 32434% 32435May you have many handsome and obedient sons. 32436% 32437May you have warm words on a cold evening, 32438a full moon on a dark night, 32439and a smooth road all the way to your door. 32440% 32441May you live in uninteresting times. 32442 -- Chinese proverb 32443% 32444May your camel be as swift as the wind. 32445% 32446May your SO always know when you need a hug. 32447% 32448May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your 32449Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. 32450% 32451Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that 32452lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. 32453 -- Will Rogers 32454% 32455Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 32456 -- R. S. Barton 32457% 32458Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the 32459earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. 32460 -- Lazarus Long 32461% 32462Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes. 32463% 32464Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each 32465other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone 32466had to seek professional help. 32467% 32468Maybe you can't buy happiness, but 32469these days you can certainly charge it. 32470% 32471May's Law: 32472 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density 32473 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) 32474% 32475McDonald's -- Because you're worth it. 32476% 32477McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: 32478 When traveling with a herd of elephants, 32479 don't be the first to lie down and rest. 32480% 32481Meader's Law: 32482 Whatever happens to you, it will previously 32483 have happened to everyone you know, only more so. 32484% 32485Meade's Maxim: 32486Always remember that you are absolutely unique, 32487just like everyone else. 32488% 32489Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen; 32490Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht. 32491[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl, 32492AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd. 32493[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye 32494Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe; 32495Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse. 32496Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle. 32497Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes; 32498Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?" 32499Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp 32500Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe. 32501"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete." 32502Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson 32503Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen. 32504Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar, 32505Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu." 32506Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng. 32507% 32508Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one 32509has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine 32510moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging 32511magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to 32512have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may 32513get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem 32514of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful 32515oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to 32516hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise 32517venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc 32518bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen 32519aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the 32520arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable 32521of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof 32522to mouth... 32523% 32524Measure twice, cut once. 32525% 32526Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. 32527 -- Frederick Crane 32528% 32529Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. 32530% 32531Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? 32532% 32533Meeting, n.: 32534 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 32535 department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 32536% 32537MEETINGS: 32538 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. 32539% 32540Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that 32541corporations and other large organizations habitually engage 32542in only because they cannot actually masturbate. 32543 -- Dave Barry 32544% 32545MEMO: 32546 An interoffice communication too often written more for 32547 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person 32548 who receives it. 32549% 32550MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I 32551remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and 32552drive and drive. 32553 32554I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The 32555smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we 32556played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat 32557some stuff or not and then I think we went home. 32558 32559I guess some things never leave you. 32560 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 32561% 32562Memory fault -- brain fried 32563% 32564Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget! 32565% 32566Memory fault - where am I? 32567% 32568Memory should be the starting point of the present. 32569% 32570Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. 32571 -- Marilyn Monroe 32572% 32573Men are superior to women. 32574 -- The Koran 32575% 32576Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. 32577 -- Jayne Mansfield 32578% 32579Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. 32580They're attracted by what I don't mind... 32581 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 32582% 32583Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. 32584 -- Julius Caesar 32585% 32586Men have a much better time of it than women; for one 32587thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. 32588 -- H. L. Mencken 32589% 32590Men have as exaggerated an idea of their 32591rights as women have of their wrongs. 32592 -- Edgar W. Howe 32593% 32594Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food. 32595% 32596Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. 32597% 32598Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it 32599from religious conviction. 32600 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'ees", 1670 32601% 32602Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. 32603 -- Dorothy Parker 32604% 32605Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them 32606pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. 32607 -- Winston Churchill 32608% 32609Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. 32610 -- Leonardo da Vinci 32611% 32612Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality. 32613% 32614Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or 32615at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments. 32616% 32617Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our 32618pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs 32619and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, 32620inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us 32621sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness 32622and acts that are contrary to habit... 32623 -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease" 32624% 32625Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. 32626 -- DeSegur 32627% 32628Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. 32629% 32630Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. 32631% 32632Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. 32633 -- Napoleon Bonaparte 32634% 32635Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, 32636and speech only to conceal their thoughts. 32637 -- Voltaire 32638% 32639Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 32640from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. 32641Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split 32642before. Thus was the Empire forged. 32643 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 32644% 32645Men who cherish for women the highest 32646respect are seldom popular with them. 32647 -- Joseph Addison 32648% 32649Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 32650 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 32651% 32652Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 32653 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the 32654 cork makes when it is popped. 32655% 32656Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 32657 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 32658% 32659Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 32660 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 32661 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city 32662 can never hope to acquire it. 32663% 32664Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin. 32665% 32666Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to 32667corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in 32668favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. 32669 -- Piers Anthony 32670% 32671Mental things which have not gone in through the 32672senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. 32673 -- Leonardo 32674% 32675Menu, n.: 32676 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 32677% 32678Meskimen's Law: 32679 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 32680 do it over. 32681% 32682MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. 32683% 32684Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... 32685% 32686Message will arrive in the mail. 32687Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 32688% 32689METEOROLOGIST: 32690 One who doubts the established fact that it is 32691 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. 32692% 32693Metermaids eat their young. 32694% 32695methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- 32696ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- 32697phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- 32698taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- 32699glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- 32700nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- 32701minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- 32702cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- 32703leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- 32704cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- 32705lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- 32706sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- 32707cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- 32708nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- 32709nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- 32710partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- 32711glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- 32712valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- 32713cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- 32714nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- 32715rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- 32716glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- 32717sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- 32718lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- 32719glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: 32720 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 32721 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. 32722 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 32723 Preposterous Words 32724% 32725Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 32726% 32727MICRO: 32728 Thinker toys. 32729% 32730Micro Credo: 32731 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 32732% 32733Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! 32734% 32735Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been 32736watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks. 32737% 32738Microwaves frizz your heir. 32739% 32740Mieux vaut tard que jamais! 32741% 32742Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to 32743get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 32744 -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942) 32745% 32746Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" 32747Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO 32748 inconsiderate." 32749 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" 32750% 32751Miksch's Law: 32752 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 32753% 32754Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. 32755% 32756Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 32757 -- Groucho Marx 32758% 32759Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 32760 -- Groucho Marx 32761% 32762Miller's Slogan: 32763 Lose a few, lose a few. 32764% 32765Millihelen, adj.: 32766 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 32767% 32768Millions long for immortality who do not know what 32769to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 32770 -- Susan Ertz 32771% 32772Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is 32773almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," 32774they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a 32775President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their 32776lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a 32777stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. 32778Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the 32779Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among 32780the gold and the black. 32781 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 32782% 32783Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is 32784particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, 32785to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. 32786But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands 32787shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit 32788me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. 32789% 32790Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. 32791% 32792Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine. 32793% 32794Minicomputer: 32795 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level 32796 manager. 32797% 32798Minnesota -- 32799 home of the blonde hair and blue ears. 32800 mosquito supplier to the free world. 32801 come fall in love with a loon. 32802 where visitors turn blue with envy. 32803 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. 32804 land of many cultures -- mostly throat. 32805 where the elite meet sleet. 32806 glove it or leave it. 32807 many are cold, but few are frozen. 32808 land of the ski and home of the crazed. 32809 land of 10,000 Petersons. 32810% 32811Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 32812% 32813Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap 32814pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 32815% 32816MIPS: 32817 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed 32818% 32819Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. 32820 -- Jean Cocteau 32821% 32822Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 32823% 32824Misery no longer loves company. 32825Nowadays it insists on it. 32826 -- Russell Baker 32827% 32828Misfortune, n.: 32829 The kind of fortune that never misses. 32830 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32831% 32832Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. 32833% 32834Miss, n.: 32835 A title with which we brand unmarried 32836 women to indicate that they are in the market. 32837 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32838% 32839Mistakeholder, n.: 32840 A person who depends on accidental features or 32841 implementation errors and so now has a vested 32842 interest in keeping things from being fixed. 32843 -- Chip Morningstar 32844% 32845Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 32846% 32847Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. 32848% 32849MIT: 32850 The Georgia Tech of the North 32851% 32852Mitchell's Law of Committees: 32853 Any simple problem can be made insoluble 32854 if enough meetings are held to discuss it. 32855% 32856Mittsquinter, adj.: 32857 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, 32858 as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. 32859 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 32860% 32861Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; 32862it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. 32863 -- Horace 32864% 32865Mixed emotions: 32866 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. 32867 With five empty seats. 32868% 32869Mix's Law: 32870 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. 32871 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. 32872% 32873MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 32874 32875 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 328762 cups water 2 cups sugar 328772 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 32878 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 32879 Cinnamon 32880 32881Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 32882RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 32883and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 32884juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 32885with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 32886crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 32887steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 32888is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 32889 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 32890% 32891Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. 32892 -- P. J. Denning 32893% 32894Modem, adj.: 32895 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An 32896 unfortunate byproduct of kerning. 32897% 32898Moderation in all things. 32899 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence] 32900% 32901Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. 32902 -- Oscar Wilde 32903% 32904Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade 32905themselves that they have a better idea. 32906 -- John Ciardi 32907% 32908Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 32909% 32910Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural 32911function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the 32912other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the 32913brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise. 32914Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite 32915conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it 32916is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working 32917assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. 32918Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot 32919logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. 32920 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: 32921 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949 32922% 32923MODESTY: 32924 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. 32925% 32926Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. 32927 -- J. K. Galbraith 32928% 32929Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending 32930 not to be aware of it. 32931 -- Oliver Herford 32932% 32933Moe: Wanna play poker tonight? 32934Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out. 32935Moe: So? 32936Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse. 32937% 32938Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day? 32939Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. 32940% 32941Moebius always does it on the same side. 32942% 32943Moebius strippers never show you their back side. 32944% 32945Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him 32946how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. 32947The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. 32948% 32949Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet 32950in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a 32951hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of 32952the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane, 32953but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him. 32954So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all 32955over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe, 32956the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in 32957the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he 32958awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally 32959woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion. 32960 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously. 32961% 32962Molecule, n.: 32963 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from 32964 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 32965 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit 32966 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and 32967 the atom in that it is an ion... 32968 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32969% 32970Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 32971 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review 32972 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. 32973% 32974MOMENTUM: 32975 What you give a person when they are going away. 32976% 32977Mommy, what happens to your files when you die? 32978% 32979Mom's Law: 32980 When they finally do have to take you to the 32981 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new. 32982% 32983Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 32984% 32985Monday, n.: 32986 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 32987 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32988% 32989Monday, n.: 32990 In Christian countries, the day after the football game. 32991 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32992% 32993Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two 32994things we have. 32995 -- The Best of Will Rogers 32996% 32997Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. 32998% 32999Money cannot buy 33000The fuel of love 33001but is excellent kindling. 33002 33003To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say, 33004Is a keen observer of life, 33005The word intellectual suggests right away 33006A man who's untrue to his wife. 33007 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems" 33008% 33009Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you 33010awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. 33011 -- C. B. Luce 33012% 33013Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. 33014 -- Christopher Marlowe 33015% 33016Money doesn't talk, it swears. 33017 -- Bob Dylan 33018% 33019Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. 33020 -- Lazarus Long 33021% 33022Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. 33023% 33024Money is its own reward. 33025% 33026Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 33027% 33028Money is the root of all wealth. 33029% 33030Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. 33031 -- Lazarus Long 33032% 33033Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next. 33034 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale 33035% 33036Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. 33037% 33038Money may not buy happiness, but it sure 33039puts you in a great bargaining position. 33040% 33041Money will say more in one moment than 33042the most eloquent lover can in years. 33043% 33044Moneyliness is next to Godliness. 33045 -- Andries van Dam 33046% 33047Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. 33048 -- H. H. Munro 33049% 33050MONOTONY: 33051 Marriage to one woman at a time. 33052% 33053MONTANA: 33054 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television. 33055% 33056MONTANA: 33057 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff. 33058% 33059Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place 33060in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling 33061of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. 33062 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 33063% 33064Moon, n.: 33065 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 33066hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 33067% 33068Moore's Constant: 33069 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody 33070 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. 33071% 33072Mophobia, n.: 33073 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 33074% 33075More are taken in by hope than by cunning. 33076 -- Vauvenargues 33077% 33078More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without 33079necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including 33080blind stupidity. 33081 -- W. A. Wulf 33082% 33083More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. 33084 -- R. S. Surtees 33085% 33086More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island. 33087% 33088More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. 33089% 33090MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 33091The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday 33092night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians 33093waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for 33094the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was 33095broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted 33096the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. 33097At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're 33098full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. 33099% 33100More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path 33101leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. 33102Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 33103 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 33104% 33105Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly 33106religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. 33107One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent 33108man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery 33109just once?" 33110 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, 33111nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. 33112I just want to win one little lottery." 33113 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at 33114least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!" 33115% 33116Morton's Law: 33117 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. 33118% 33119Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more 33120wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types... 33121 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" 33122% 33123Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 33124 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. 33125 If everything did, you'd be out of a job. 33126% 33127MOSQUITO: 33128 The state bird of New Jersey. 33129% 33130Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. 33131% 33132Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex 33133because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs 33134and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little 33135eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around 33136and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the 33137female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just 33138dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven 33139by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the 33140truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of 33141them that it doesn't make any difference. 33142 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 33143 Teen Should Know" 33144% 33145Most folks they like the daytime, 33146 'cause they like to see the shining sun. 33147They're up in the morning, 33148 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun. 33149But when the sun goes down, 33150 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun. 33151 33152Now there are two sides to this great big world, 33153 and one of them is always night. 33154If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby, 33155 I guess you're gonna be all right. 33156Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand. 33157 My eyes just can't stand the light. 33158 33159'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long. 33160 -- Carly Simon 33161% 33162Most general statements are false, including this one. 33163 -- Alexander Dumas 33164% 33165Most of our lives are about proving something, 33166either to ourselves or to someone else. 33167% 33168Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking 33169difficulties before we get to them. 33170 -- Dr. Frank Crane 33171% 33172...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably 33173useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends, 33174hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute 33175and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of 33176lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from 33177which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not 33178speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women 33179of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution 33180has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love. 33181 -- Alix Kates Shulman 33182% 33183Most of your faults are not your fault. 33184% 33185Most people are too busy to have time for anything important. 33186% 33187Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and 33188they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment 33189to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the 33190moon. 33191 -- H. L. Mencken 33192% 33193Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. 33194% 33195Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently 33196than they do. 33197 -- Turgenev 33198% 33199Most people deserve each other. 33200 -- Shirley 33201% 33202Most people don't need a great deal of love 33203nearly so much as they need a steady supply. 33204% 33205Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. 33206 -- Edgar W. Howe 33207% 33208Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. 33209% 33210Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained 33211only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial 33212quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. 33213 -- W. Somerset Maugham 33214% 33215Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only. 33216% 33217Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- 33218a good reason, and the real reason. 33219% 33220Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, 33221at best, reformed or potential lunatics. 33222 -- Susan Sontag 33223% 33224Most people need some of their problems 33225to help take their mind off some of the others. 33226% 33227Most people prefer certainty to truth. 33228% 33229Most people want either less corruption 33230or more of a chance to participate in it. 33231% 33232Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, 33233if you'll consider their unacceptable offer. 33234% 33235Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning. 33236% 33237Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. 33238% 33239Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who 33240can't talk for people who can't read. 33241 -- Frank Zappa 33242% 33243Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over. 33244% 33245Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. 33246 -- Richard Lewis 33247% 33248MOTHER: 33249 Half a word. 33250% 33251Mother Earth is not flat! 33252% 33253Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. 33254 -- Arnold Bennett 33255% 33256Mother is the invention of necessity. 33257% 33258Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there 33259would be so many. 33260% 33261Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. 33262% 33263Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they 33264don't want them to become politicians in the process. 33265 -- John F. Kennedy 33266% 33267Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense) 33268Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense. 33269 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger" 33270% 33271Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. 33272% 33273MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING 33274% 33275Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal 33276of the day. 33277% 33278Mr. Cole's Axiom: 33279 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 33280 population is growing. 33281% 33282Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from 33283the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's 33284shirts but they're going back. 33285% 33286Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could 33287you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it! 33288% 33289Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your 33290renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but 33291at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator. 33292% 33293Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary 33294Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free 33295lessons or what? 33296% 33297Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. 33298When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was 33299wrong, "Up to a point." 33300 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? 33301Yokohama isn't it?" 33302 "Up to a point, Lord Copper." 33303 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?" 33304 "Definitely, Lord Copper." 33305 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop" 33306% 33307MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. 33308 -- Henry Spencer 33309% 33310Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired 33311consultants, and at some point you time them out. 33312 -- Craig Partridge 33313% 33314Much of the excitement we get out of our work 33315is that we don't really know what we are doing. 33316 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 33317% 33318Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. 33319He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face. 33320"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should 33321 be shared." 33322But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more: 33323First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... 33324"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" 33325But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong... 33326"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that 33327 with prawns, 33328Some parsley and some tartar sauce..." 33329But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung, 33330His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, 33331And now he's going to scoff the lot!" 33332His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..." 33333And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen. 33334and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor... 33335None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is. 33336% 33337Multics is security spelled sideways. 33338% 33339"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365, 33340365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry 33341Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the 33342tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes 33343smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more 33344than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" 33345An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be 33346as much fun to watch. 33347 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" 33348% 33349MUMMY: 33350 An Egyptian who was pressed for time. 33351% 33352Mummy dust to make me old; 33353To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 33354To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 33355To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 33356A blast of wind to fan my hate; 33357A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 33358Now begin thy magic spell! 33359 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White" 33360% 33361Mum's the word. 33362 -- Miguel de Cervantes 33363% 33364Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. 33365 -- Xaviera Hollander 33366 33367[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.] 33368% 33369Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot 33370talk about after dinner. 33371 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 33372% 33373Murphy was an optimist. 33374% 33375Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 33376% 33377Murphy's Law of Research: 33378 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 33379% 33380Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem. 33381 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 33382% 33383Murphy's Laws: 33384 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. 33385 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. 33386 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will. 33387% 33388Murray's Rule: 33389 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. 33390% 33391Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. 33392 -- Lao Tsu 33393% 33394Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people. 33395% 33396Must I hold a candle to my shames? 33397 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 33398% 33399Mustgo, n.: 33400 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so 33401 long it has become a science project. 33402 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 33403% 33404My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 33405 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" 33406% 33407My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, 33408 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. 33409Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, 33410 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you. 33411'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two. 33412 33413And you know two heads are better than one. 33414% 33415My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I 33416threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. 33417First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the 33418frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up 33419the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed 33420forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier 33421perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through 33422the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative 33423crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a 33424symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state 33425in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I 33426really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded 33427OK. 33428 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 33429% 33430My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: 33431 33432Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if 33433they can tell one end of a gun from the other? 33434% 33435My Bonnie looked into a gas tank, 33436The height of its contents to see! 33437She lit a small match to assist her, 33438Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. 33439% 33440My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms 33441to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, 33442only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with 33443a bulls-eye on the back. 33444 33445I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them 33446said, "So will you." 33447 -- Rodney Dangerfield 33448% 33449My brain is my second favorite organ. 33450 -- Woody Allen 33451% 33452My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo 33453of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". 33454 -- Steven Wright 33455% 33456My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want 33457It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures, 33458 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits. 33459It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating 33460 decimal points for the sake of precision. 33461Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes, 33462 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me. 33463It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an 33464 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers. 33465It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are 33466 over. 33467Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my 33468 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever. 33469% 33470My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty 33471nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, 33472instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at 33473a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at 33474the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which 33475turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain 33476that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were 33477just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. 33478 -- Hunter S. Thompson 33479% 33480"My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack" 33481 -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs 33482% 33483My cup hath runneth'd over with love. 33484% 33485My darling wife was always glum. 33486I drowned her in a cask of rum, 33487And so made sure that she would stay 33488In better spirits night and day. 33489% 33490My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. 33491Unless there are three other people. 33492 -- Orson Welles 33493% 33494My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. 33495% 33496My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, 33497beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much 33498is going on. 33499 -- John F. Kennedy 33500% 33501My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. 33502 -- Iphicrates 33503% 33504My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose 33505your ignorance; you cannot replace it." 33506 -- Erich Maria Remarque 33507% 33508My father taught me three things: 33509 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water. 33510 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight. 33511 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name. 33512% 33513My father was a God-fearing man, but he never 33514missed a copy of the New York Times, either. 33515 -- E. B. White 33516% 33517My father was a saint, I'm not. 33518 -- Indira Gandhi 33519% 33520My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce 33521and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. 33522 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 33523% 33524My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh 33525Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the 33526New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors 33527and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can 33528somebody think of something to help us win a game?" 33529 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit 33530to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul." 33531 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 33532% 33533My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, 33534but they were there to meet the boat. 33535% 33536My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so 33537later I can ask him what he meant. 33538 -- Steven Wright 33539% 33540My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, 33541but always, always, he was right. 33542% 33543My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First 33544she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go 33545back and dig her up. 33546% 33547My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times 33548as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending 33549mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. 33550I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it 33551would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. 33552% 33553My, how you've changed since I've changed. 33554% 33555My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. 33556% 33557My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. 33558% 33559My interest is in the future because I am 33560going to spend the rest of my life there. 33561% 33562My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights? 33563 -- MadameX 33564% 33565My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 33566 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 33567The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 33568 And the skies are sunlit for him. 33569As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 33570 As the fragrance of acacia. 33571My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 33572 And I wish he were in Asia. 33573 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 33574% 33575My love runs by like a day in June, 33576 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 33577He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 33578 In the pathway or the morrows. 33579He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 33580 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 33581My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 33582 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 33583 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 33584% 33585My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right 33586thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. 33587 -- George Bernard Shaw 33588% 33589My mind can never know my body, although 33590it has become quite friendly with my legs. 33591 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology 33592% 33593My mother drinks to forget she drinks. 33594 -- Crazy Jimmy 33595% 33596My mother loved children -- she would 33597have given anything if I had been one. 33598 -- Groucho Marx 33599% 33600My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) 33601"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." 33602For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant. 33603 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey" 33604% 33605My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" 33606 -- Sue Murphy 33607% 33608My My, hey hey 33609Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten 33610It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten 33611Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust 33612My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten 33613 33614It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my 33615They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die 33616And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture 33617When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye 33618And into the black 33619 -- Neil Young 33620 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps" 33621% 33622My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should 33623be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. 33624% 33625My only love sprung from my only hate! 33626Too early seen unknown, and known too late! 33627 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 33628% 33629My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 33630% 33631My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. 33632 -- Oscar Wilde 33633% 33634My own dear love, he is strong and bold 33635 And he cares not what comes after. 33636His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 33637 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 33638He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 33639 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 33640My own dear love, he is all my world -- 33641 And I wish I'd never met him. 33642 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 33643% 33644My own feelings are perhaps best described by saying that I am 33645perfectly aware that there is no Royal Road to Mathematics, in other 33646words, that I have only a very small head and must live with it. 33647 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 33648% 33649My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, 33650and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be 33651reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent 33652to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not 33653we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, 33654slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point 33655from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now 33656would be to deny our history, our capabilities. 33657 -- James A. Michener 33658% 33659My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life. 33660% 33661My pen is at the bottom of a page, 33662Which, being finished, here the story ends; 33663'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 33664But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 33665 -- Byron 33666% 33667My philosophy is: Don't think. 33668 -- Charles Manson 33669% 33670My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. 33671 -- Errol Flynn 33672 33673Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. 33674 -- Errol Flynn 33675% 33676My rackets are run on strictly American 33677lines, and they're going to stay that way. 33678 -- Al Capone 33679% 33680My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior 33681spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive 33682with our frail and feeble mind. 33683 -- Albert Einstein 33684% 33685My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I 33686hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped 33687in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot 33688character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off 33689of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, 33690Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful 33691dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants 33692to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear 33693in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind 33694-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new 33695part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop 33696right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children 33697have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen 33698exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 33699 -- Dave Barry 33700% 33701My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any 33702reason to limit myself. 33703 -- Emo Philips 33704% 33705My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. 33706She sells C shells by the seashore. 33707% 33708My soul is crushed, my spirit sore 33709I do not like me anymore, 33710I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, 33711I ponder on the narrow house 33712I shudder at the thought of men 33713I'm due to fall in love again. 33714 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" 33715% 33716My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 33717 -- Christopher Morley 33718% 33719My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. 33720 -- George Gobel 33721% 33722My way of joking is to tell the truth. 33723That's the funniest joke in the world. 33724 -- Muhammad Ali 33725% 33726My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. 33727% 33728Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. 33729 -- Booth Tarkington 33730% 33731Mythology, n.: 33732 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin, 33733 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 33734 from the true accounts which it invents later. 33735 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33736% 33737Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer) 33738is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good 33739returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. 33740 33741So, now that you all understand naches, the joke: 33742 33743Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee. 33744 "So, how's your daughter?" 33745 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!" 33746 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?" 33747 "Yes, that's my Rachel." 33748 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married 33749 the doctor?" 33750 "Yes, that's her!" 33751 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?" 33752 "Yes, yes!" 33753 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!" 33754% 33755Nachman's Rule: 33756 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. 33757 -- Gerald Nachman 33758% 33759Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. 33760 -- '76 Olympics 33761% 33762'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. 33763Never odd or even. 33764A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. 33765Madam, I'm Adam. 33766Sit on a potato pan, Otis. 33767 -- The Mad Palindromist 33768% 33769NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he 33770 says is wrong. 33771GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says 33772 will be right. 33773 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" 33774% 33775Narcolepulacyi, n.: 33776 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight 33777 to also yawn. 33778 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 33779% 33780Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said 33781"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he 33782goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal 33783it." 33784% 33785Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers 33786gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I 33787only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the 33788stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager 33789asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly, 33790for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; 33791he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they 33792were spoken to. 33793% 33794Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve 33795him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your 33796shop?" 33797 "Of course." 33798 "Have you ever seen me before?" 33799 "Never." 33800 "Then how do you know it was me?" 33801% 33802Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 33803than the sun." 33804 "Why?", he was asked. 33805 "Because at night we need the light more." 33806% 33807Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. 33808Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from 33809his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! 33810You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" 33811% 33812National security is in your hands - guard it well. 33813% 33814Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of 33815scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. 33816 -- Mary Ellen Kelly 33817% 33818Natural laws have no pity. 33819% 33820Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders 33821of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to 33822drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, 33823or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people 33824can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you 33825have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists 33826for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same 33827in every country. 33828 -- Hermann Goering 33829% 33830Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation 33831of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the 33832fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be 33833creamed? 33834 -- Solomon Short 33835% 33836Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. 33837 -- Clare Booth Luce 33838% 33839Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 33840God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 33841 33842It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 33843Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 33844% 33845Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely 33846given them little. 33847 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson 33848% 33849Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it 33850cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 33851 -- Fran Lebowitz 33852% 33853Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be 33854tolerated until they acquire some sense. 33855 -- William Phelps 33856% 33857Nature to all things fixed the limits fit, 33858And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit. 33859As on the land while here the ocean gains, 33860In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains; 33861Thus in the soul while memory prevails, 33862The solid power of understanding fails; 33863Where beams of warm imagination play, 33864The memory's soft figures melt away. 33865 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?) 33866% 33867Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. 33868 -- Francis Bacon 33869% 33870Near the Studio Jean Cocteau 33871On the Rue des Ecoles 33872lived an old man 33873with a blind dog 33874Every evening I would see him 33875guiding the dog along 33876the sidewalk, keeping 33877a firm grip on the leash 33878so that the dog wouldn't 33879run into a passerby 33880Sometimes the dog would stop 33881and look up at the sky 33882Once the old man 33883noticed me watching the dog 33884and he said, "Oh, yes, 33885this one knows 33886when the moon is out, 33887he can feel it on his face" 33888 -- Barry Gifford 33889% 33890Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you 33891want to test a man's character, give him power. 33892 -- Abraham Lincoln 33893% 33894Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I 33895have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. 33896 -- Brent Welch 33897% 33898Necessity has no law. 33899 -- St. Augustine 33900% 33901Necessity hath no law. 33902 -- Oliver Cromwell 33903% 33904Necessity is a mother. 33905% 33906"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity 33907is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. 33908 -- Alfred North Whitehead 33909% 33910Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. 33911It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. 33912 -- William Pitt, 1783 33913% 33914Neckties strangle clear thinking. 33915 -- Lin Yutang 33916% 33917Needs are a function of what other people have. 33918% 33919Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. 33920 -- Napoleon 33921% 33922Neil Armstrong tripped. 33923% 33924Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. 33925% 33926Nemo me impune lacessit 33927 [No one provokes me with impunity] 33928 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland 33929% 33930Nerd pack, n.: 33931 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling 33932 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be 33933 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling 33934 in his pack. 33935% 33936Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com 33937along at once. 33938% 33939Neuroses are red, 33940 Melancholia's blue. 33941I'm schizophrenic, 33942 What are you? 33943% 33944Neurotics build castles in the sky, 33945Psychotics live in them, 33946And psychiatrists collect the rent. 33947% 33948Neutrinos are into physicists. 33949% 33950Neutrinos have bad breadth. 33951% 33952Neutron bomb, n.: 33953 An explosive device of limited military value because, as 33954 it only destroys people without destroying property, it 33955 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property. 33956% 33957Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. 33958 -- Linda Festa 33959% 33960Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. 33961Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. 33962 -- Lazarus Long 33963% 33964Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. 33965% 33966Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested. 33967% 33968Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. 33969% 33970Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. 33971 -- Anonymous 33972% 33973Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. 33974Professionals built the Titanic. 33975% 33976Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 33977% 33978Never buy from a rich salesman. 33979 -- Goldenstern 33980% 33981Never buy what you do not want 33982because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. 33983 -- Thomas Jefferson 33984% 33985Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 33986% 33987Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. 33988% 33989Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 33990% 33991Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 33992% 33993Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools 33994are available. 33995 -- Niklaus Wirth 33996% 33997Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. 33998% 33999Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 34000with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change 34001into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the 34002window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.) 34003% 34004Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. 34005% 34006Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. 34007And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 34008 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" 34009% 34010Never eat more than you can lift. 34011 -- Miss Piggy 34012% 34013Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're 34014absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth. 34015% 34016Never explain. Your friends do not need it 34017and your enemies will never believe you anyway. 34018 -- Elbert Hubbard 34019% 34020Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning. 34021 -- Marlo Thomas 34022% 34023Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. 34024% 34025Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you. 34026% 34027Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. 34028% 34029Never give an inch! 34030% 34031Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. 34032 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints" 34033% 34034Never have children, only grandchildren. 34035 -- Gore Vidal 34036% 34037Never have so many understood so little about so much. 34038 -- James Burke 34039% 34040Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat. 34041% 34042Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. 34043% 34044Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. 34045 -- Billy Rose 34046% 34047Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. 34048 -- Quentin Crisp 34049% 34050Never kick a man, unless he's down. 34051% 34052Never laugh at live dragons. 34053 -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit" 34054% 34055Never leave anything to chance; 34056make sure all your crimes are premeditated. 34057% 34058Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 34059 -- Erma Bombeck 34060% 34061Never let someone who says it cannot be done 34062interrupt the person who is doing it. 34063% 34064Never let your schooling interfere with your education. 34065% 34066Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 34067 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 34068% 34069Never look a gift horse in the mouth. 34070 -- Saint Jerome 34071% 34072Never look up when dragons fly overhead. 34073% 34074Never make anything simple and efficient when a 34075way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 34076% 34077Never miss a good chance to shut up. 34078% 34079Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear 34080weapon. 34081 -- Former deputy defense minister of India 34082% 34083Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 34084 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 34085% 34086Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. 34087% 34088Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. 34089% 34090Never play pool with anyone named "Fats". 34091% 34092Never promise more than you can perform. 34093 -- Publilius Syrus 34094% 34095Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. 34096 -- D. Gries 34097% 34098Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 34099% 34100Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. 34101% 34102Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a 34103law against it by that time. 34104% 34105Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection 34106unprotected. 34107 -- Robert Orben 34108% 34109Never reveal your best argument. 34110% 34111Never say "Oops" in an operating room. 34112% 34113Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. 34114% 34115Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. 34116% 34117Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. 34118 -- Nelson Algren 34119% 34120Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on 34121that subject. 34122 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand 34123% 34124NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. 34125% 34126Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks 34127in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm 34128tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay 34129On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..." 34130 -- Lenny Bruce 34131% 34132Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. 34133% 34134Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to 34135do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. 34136 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. 34137% 34138Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. 34139 -- Steinbach 34140% 34141Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 34142% 34143Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. 34144% 34145Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself. 34146% 34147Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. 34148 -- John Dillinger 34149% 34150Never trust an operating system. 34151% 34152Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg. 34153% 34154Never trust anyone who says money is no object. 34155% 34156Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain 34157sex to a virgin. 34158 -- Robert A. Heinlein 34159 34160(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) 34161% 34162Never try to outstubborn a cat. 34163 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 34164% 34165Never try to teach a pig to sing. 34166It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 34167% 34168Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 34169 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS 34170% 34171Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon. 34172% 34173Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. 34174 -- Robert A. Heinlein 34175% 34176Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where 34177there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. 34178% 34179Never volunteer for anything. 34180 -- Lackland 34181% 34182Never worry about theory as long as the 34183machinery does what it's supposed to do. 34184 -- Robert A. Heinlein 34185% 34186New, adj.: 34187 Different color from previous model. 34188% 34189New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 34190% 34191New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? 34192% 34193New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in 34194any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 34195% 34196New members are urgently needed in the Society 34197for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 34198% 34199New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. 34200 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book 34201% 34202New release: 34203 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting 34204 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this 34205 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. 34206% 34207New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his 34208age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. 34209 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 34210% 34211New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. 34212% 34213New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around 34214whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. 34215 -- David Letterman 34216% 34217New York-- to that tall skyline I come 34218Flyin' in from London to your door 34219New York-- lookin' down on Central Park 34220Where they say you should not wander after dark. 34221New York. 34222 -- Simon and Garfunkel 34223% 34224New York's got the ways and means; 34225Just won't let you be. 34226 -- The Grateful Dead 34227% 34228Newlan's Truism: 34229 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the 34230 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 34231% 34232Newman's Discovery: 34233 Your best dreams may not come true; 34234 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. 34235% 34236NEWS FLASH!! 34237 Today the East German pole-vault champion 34238 became the West German pole-vault champion. 34239% 34240news: gotcha 34241% 34242NEWSFLASH!! 34243 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at 342441700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. 34245It was. Age 31. 34246% 34247Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 34248print the chaff. 34249 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 34250% 34251Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. 34252% 34253Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 34254 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 34255% 34256Next Friday will not be your lucky day. 34257As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 34258% 34259Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 34260 -- Foghorn Leghorn 34261% 34262Nice guys don't finish nice. 34263% 34264Nice guys finish last. 34265 -- Leo Durocher 34266% 34267Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. 34268 -- Evan Davis 34269% 34270Nice guys get sick. 34271% 34272Nick the Greek's Law of Life: 34273 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. 34274% 34275Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. 34276% 34277Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. 34278God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. 34279 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" 34280% 34281Nihilism should commence with oneself. 34282% 34283Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his 34284name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 34285(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, 34286but Americans call him by value. 34287% 34288Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 34289Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 34290Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 34291Three megs for system source; 34292 34293One disk to rule them all, 34294One disk to bind them, 34295One disk to hold the files 34296And in the darkness grind 'em. 34297% 34298Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 34299And tapes without any tracks; 34300Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 34301And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 34302 Take hold of the tape 34303 And pull off the strip, 34304 And then you'll be sure 34305 Your tape drive will skip. 34306 34307 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 34308% 34309Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. 34310 -- Henry Kissinger 34311% 34312Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. 34313The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much. 34314 -- Augustine 34315% 34316Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 34317 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 34318 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 34319% 34320Nirvana? That's the place where the powers 34321that be and their friends hang out. 34322 -- Zonker Harris 34323% 34324Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing 34325else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow 34326the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. 34327 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye" 34328% 34329No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. 34330 -- Aesop 34331% 34332No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. 34333% 34334No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. 34335% 34336No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless 34337absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. 34338 -- Fran Lebowitz 34339% 34340No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. 34341 -- William Blake 34342% 34343No brainer, n.: 34344 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, 34345 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally. 34346% 34347No character, however upright, is a match for 34348constantly reiterated attacks, however false. 34349 -- Alexander Hamilton 34350% 34351No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. 34352 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about 34353 film rights to "Gone With the Wind". 34354 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 34355% 34356No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a 34357camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform 34358effectively under such difficult conditions. 34359 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 34360% 34361No directory. 34362% 34363No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon 34364lectures which are really worth the attending. 34365 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations" 34366% 34367No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself 34368on the grounds that it was human nature. 34369% 34370No, "Eureka" is Greek for "This bath is too hot." 34371 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 34372% 34373No evil can happen to a good man. 34374 -- Plato 34375% 34376No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. 34377 -- Aristotle 34378% 34379No extensible language will be universal. 34380 -- T. Cheatham 34381% 34382No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; 34383no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. 34384 -- Landor 34385% 34386No group of professionals meets except to 34387conspire against the public at large. 34388 -- Mark Twain 34389% 34390No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that 34391he will not become a nuisance after three days. 34392 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 34393% 34394No guts, no glory. 34395% 34396No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware 34397until three software guys have signed off for it. 34398 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 34399% 34400No, his mind is not for rent 34401To any god or government. 34402Always hopeful, yet discontent, 34403He knows changes aren't permanent - 34404But change is. 34405% 34406No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. 34407% 34408No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. 34409It should be of the hill, belonging to it. 34410 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 34411% 34412No, I don't have a drinking problem. 34413I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem! 34414% 34415No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is 34416just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone 34417and Telegraph Company. 34418 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking 34419 machine, 1943. 34420% 34421No is no negative in a woman's mouth. 34422 -- Sidney 34423% 34424No job too big; no fee too big! 34425 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters" 34426% 34427No line available at 300 baud. 34428% 34429No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of 34430absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. 34431Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness 34432within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. 34433Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and 34434doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone 34435of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. 34436 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House" 34437% 34438No maintenance: 34439 Impossible to fix. 34440% 34441No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost 34442interest in hair restorers. 34443 -- Austin O'Malley 34444% 34445No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating 34446one peanut. 34447 -- Channing Pollock 34448% 34449No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the 34450Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, 34451Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if 34452a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes 34453me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know 34454for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. 34455 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" 34456% 34457No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 34458% 34459No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list. 34460% 34461No man is useless who has a friend, 34462and if we are loved we are indispensable. 34463 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 34464% 34465No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. 34466 -- Edgar W. Howe 34467% 34468No man's ambition has a right to stand in 34469the way of performing a simple act of justice. 34470 -- John Altgeld 34471% 34472No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher 34473than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination. 34474 -- Lenin, 1918 34475% 34476No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night 34477with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck. 34478But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification 34479in the afternoons. 34480 -- Salvador Dali 34481% 34482No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up. 34483% 34484No matter how much you do you never do enough. 34485% 34486No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for 34487signs of improvement. 34488 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell 34489% 34490No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously 34491cramp his style. 34492% 34493No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. 34494% 34495No matter what other nations may say about the United States, 34496immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. 34497% 34498No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". 34499% 34500No matter who you are, some scholar can show you 34501the great idea you had was had by someone before you. 34502% 34503No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, 34504th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns. 34505 -- Mr. Dooley 34506% 34507No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an 34508unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway. 34509 -- Arthur Binstead 34510% 34511No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it 34512all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly 34513the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these 34514republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it 34515ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under 34516every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best. 34517 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816 34518% 34519No one becomes depraved in a moment. 34520 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 34521% 34522No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. 34523% 34524No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a 34525dirty little beast. 34526 -- W. S. Gilbert 34527% 34528No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 34529 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 34530% 34531No one can put you down without your full cooperation. 34532% 34533No one gets sick on Wednesdays. 34534% 34535No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. 34536% 34537No one has a higher opinion of him than he has. 34538 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999 34539% 34540No one knows like a woman how to say 34541things that are at once gentle and deep. 34542 -- Hugo 34543% 34544No one knows what he can do till he tries. 34545 -- Publilius Syrus 34546% 34547No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. 34548 -- Quintus Ennius 34549% 34550No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin! 34551 -- Snoopy 34552% 34553No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the 34554one who's giving it. 34555 -- Hal Chadwick 34556% 34557NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS 34558 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907 34559% 34560No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval 34561system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of 34562the author. 34563 -- Chris Shaw 34564% 34565No pig should go sky diving during monsoon 34566For this isn't really the norm. 34567But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon, 34568So what? Any pork in a storm. 34569 34570No pig should go sky diving during monsoon, 34571It's risky enough when the weather is fine. 34572But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar 34573Cast even more perils before swine. 34574% 34575No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 34576He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 34577Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 34578And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 34579 (refrain) 34580Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 34581And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 34582All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 34583But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 34584 (refrain) 34585Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 34586The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 34587A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 34588But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 34589 (refrain) 34590Refrain: 34591 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 34592 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 34593 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 34594 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 34595% 34596No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of 34597them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe 34598their wish has been granted. 34599 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" 34600% 34601No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. 34602% 34603No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 34604 -- C. Schulz 34605% 34606No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 34607% 34608"No program is perfect," 34609They said with a shrug. 34610"The customer's happy-- 34611What's one little bug?" 34612 34613But he was determined, Then change two, then three more, 34614The others went home. As year followed year. 34615He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment, 34616Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?" 34617 34618Night passed into morning. He died at the console 34619The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst 34620With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried 34621"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first. 34622 34623Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears 34624Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. 34625"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone, 34626"Just change one instruction." He's just working late." 34627 -- The Perfect Programmer 34628% 34629No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 34630occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 34631indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence 34632different from the one identified by the given indication as an 34633indication-applied occurrence. 34634 -- ALGOL 68 Report 34635% 34636No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. 34637% 34638No rock so hard but that a little wave 34639May beat admission in a thousand years. 34640 -- Tennyson 34641% 34642No self-made man ever did such a good job 34643that some woman didn't want to make some alterations. 34644 -- Kin Hubbard 34645% 34646No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of 34647paper. 34648 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was 34649 taken over by Rupert Murdoch 34650% 34651No skis take rocks like rental skis! 34652% 34653No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary 34654for that purpose to keep awake all day. 34655 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 34656% 34657No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. 34658% 34659No sooner had Edger Allen Poe 34660Finished his old Raven, 34661then he started his Old Crow. 34662% 34663No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth. 34664 -- Quintus Ennius 34665% 34666No spitting on the Bus! 34667Thank you, The Management. 34668% 34669No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk. 34670 -- Richard M. Nixon 34671% 34672No two persons ever read the same book. 34673 -- Edmund Wilson 34674% 34675No use getting too involved in life -- 34676you're only here for a limited time. 34677% 34678No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! 34679 -- Sherlock Holmes 34680% 34681No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. 34682 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar 34683% 34684No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of 34685him than he deserves. 34686 -- Edgar W. Howe 34687% 34688No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. 34689Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop! 34690% 34691No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today. 34692% 34693No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. 34694% 34695Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. 34696% 34697Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing 34698it. 34699 -- Tallulah Bankhead 34700% 34701Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. 34702% 34703Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. 34704 -- Kin Hubbard 34705% 34706Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. 34707% 34708NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 34709% 34710Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel 34711limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good 34712if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We 34713shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; 34714that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too. 34715It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks. 34716 -- Liv Ullman 34717% 34718Nobody knows the trouble I've been. 34719% 34720Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears. 34721 -- Roy Harper 34722% 34723Nobody loves me, 34724Everybody hates me, 34725I think I'll go out and eat worms. 34726I'm gonna cut their heads off, 34727Eat their insides out, 34728And throw way the skins. 34729Big, fat, juicy ones, 34730Little, skinny, cute ones, 34731Watch how they wiggle and they squirm. 34732% 34733Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married. 34734And then it's too late. 34735% 34736Nobody said computers were going to be polite. 34737% 34738Nobody shot me. 34739 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police 34740 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the 34741 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre. 34742 34743Only Capone kills like that. 34744 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 34745 34746The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. 34747 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 34748% 34749Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order 34750for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of 34751their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. 34752 -- Lewis Lapham 34753% 34754Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out 34755your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's 34756different. 34757 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. 34758 O'Brien, instructions to the force. 34759% 34760Nobody wants constructive criticism. 34761It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. 34762% 34763Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start 34764coming in late and lying about it. 34765% 34766nohup rm -fr /& 34767% 34768Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has 34769merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. 34770 -- Mark Twain 34771% 34772Nolo contendere: 34773 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do 34774 it again." 34775% 34776Nominal egg: 34777 New Yorkerese for expensive. 34778% 34779Noncombatant, n.: 34780 A dead Quaker. 34781 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34782% 34783Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. 34784 -- M. J. 0'Donnell 34785% 34786Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 34787% 34788None love the bearer of bad news. 34789 -- Sophocles 34790% 34791None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary 34792to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 34793ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a 34794job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 34795forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 34796he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 34797state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the 34798"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. 34799 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" 34800% 34801Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: 34802 Negative expectations yield negative results. 34803 Positive expectations yield negative results. 34804% 34805Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. 34806 -- Heisenberg 34807% 34808Nonsense and beauty have close connections. 34809 -- E. M. Forster 34810% 34811Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. 34812% 34813Noone ever built a statue to a critic. 34814% 34815No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good 34816intentions. He had money as well. 34817 -- Margaret Thatcher 34818% 34819Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in 34820fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they 34821moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely 34822useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since 34823she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had 34824moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to 34825him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He 34826reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled 34827some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and 34828threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the 34829old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they 34830had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of 34831paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There 34832was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where 34833he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener 34834and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the 34835young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." 34836 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the 34837story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't 34838quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, 34839however, was pretty close to what actually happened... 34840 -- Richard Harter 34841% 34842Norm: Hey, everybody. 34843All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.] 34844Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.] 34845 Norm! (Norman.) 34846 How are you feeling today, Norm? 34847 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer. 34848 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 34849 34850Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? 34851Norm: Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. 34852 Film at eleven. 34853 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar 34854 34855Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? 34856Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. 34857 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone 34858% 34859Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. 34860 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter 34861 34862Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? 34863Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. 34864 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's 34865 34866Coach: How's life, Norm? 34867Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. 34868 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants 34869% 34870[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] 34871 34872Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? 34873Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. 34874 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest 34875 34876Coach: What's up, Normie? 34877Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach. 34878 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2) 34879 34880Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? 34881Norm: Going down? 34882 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 34883% 34884[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.] 34885 34886Off-screen crowd: Norm! 34887Sam: How the hell do they know him here? 34888Cliff: He's got a life, you know. 34889 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity 34890 34891Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? 34892Norm: Elope with my wife. 34893 -- Cheers, The Triangle 34894 34895Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? 34896Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. 34897 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please? 34898% 34899[Norm is angry.] 34900 34901Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? 34902Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. 34903 -- Cheers, The Triangle 34904 34905Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm? 34906Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, 34907 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. 34908 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle 34909 34910Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? 34911Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp. 34912 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day 34913% 34914[Norm returns from the hospital.] 34915 34916Coach: What's up, Norm? 34917Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. 34918 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 34919 34920Sam: What's new, Normie? 34921Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. 34922 They're demanding beer. 34923 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter 34924 34925Coach: What'll it be, Normie? 34926Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. 34927 -- Cheers, King of the Hill 34928% 34929[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] 34930Norm: Afternoon, everybody! 34931All: Anton! 34932 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm 34933 34934Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 34935Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here." 34936 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible 34937 34938Sam: What can I get you, Norm? 34939Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. 34940 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers. 34941 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd 34942% 34943Normal times may possibly be over forever. 34944% 34945Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other 34946reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates, 34947although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed 34948their courses. 34949 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn" 34950% 34951Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. 34952% 34953Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. 34954% 34955Not all men who drink are poets. 34956Some of us drink because we aren't poets. 34957% 34958Not all who own a harp are harpers. 34959 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 34960% 34961Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't 34962make you live longer -- it just seems that way. 34963% 34964Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to 34965the capitalist mode of production. 34966 -- Herbert Marcuse 34967% 34968Not every question deserves an answer. 34969% 34970Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. 34971% 34972Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 34973Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 34974in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 34975moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a 34976dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 34977respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 34978it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 34979then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 34980chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... 34981 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 34982% 34983Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. 34984 -- William Shakespeare 34985% 34986Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is 34987ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. 34988 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University 34989 34990I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. 34991 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis 34992% 34993Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. 34994 -- Rob Pike 34995% 34996Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a 34997serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can. 34998 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 34999% 35000Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. 35001 -- Spinoza 35002% 35003Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems 35004to have been written by Bruce Evans. 35005 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992 35006% 35007NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. 35008All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes 35009all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these 35010features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system 35011abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark 35012attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, 35013local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, 35014invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction 35015surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive 35016electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated 35017chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices, 35018premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant 35019uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, 35020and/or frogs falling from the sky. 35021% 35022Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message 35023 35024Failed due to: SunOS 5.8 is installed. 35025 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine 35026% 35027Note to myself: use real bullets next time. 35028% 35029Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of 35030wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is 35031astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 35032unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful 35033not to make any poultry jokes. 35034 -- Woody Allen 35035% 35036Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 35037 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 35038% 35039Nothing can be done in one trip. 35040 -- Snider 35041% 35042Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 35043% 35044Nothing endures but change. 35045 -- Heraclitus 35046 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.] 35047% 35048Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a 35049proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. 35050 -- John Keats 35051% 35052Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. 35053 -- Winston Churchill 35054 35055Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as 35056satisfying as an income tax refund. 35057 -- F. J. Raymond 35058% 35059Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. 35060% 35061Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses. 35062% 35063Nothing is as simple as it seems at first 35064 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle 35065 Or as finished as it seems in the end. 35066% 35067Nothing is but what is not. 35068% 35069Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. 35070% 35071Nothing is faster than the speed of light. 35072 35073To prove this to yourself, try opening the 35074refrigerator door before the light comes on. 35075% 35076Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. 35077% 35078Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 35079 -- Andrew Young 35080% 35081Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 35082 -- A. H. Weiler 35083% 35084Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which 35085millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 35086 -- Nero Wolfe 35087% 35088Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey. 35089% 35090Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. 35091She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. 35092 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 35093% 35094Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. 35095 -- Michel de Montaigne 35096% 35097Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. 35098 -- Ebner-Eschenbach 35099% 35100Nothing lasts forever. 35101Where do I find nothing? 35102% 35103Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. 35104% 35105Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 35106Conscience makes egotists of us all. 35107 -- Oscar Wilde 35108% 35109Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. 35110 -- Arthur Balfour 35111% 35112Nothing motivates a man more than to 35113see his boss put in an honest day's work. 35114% 35115Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely 35116repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because 35117the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult 35118which can be offered to a personality. 35119 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 35120% 35121Nothing recedes like success. 35122 -- Walter Winchell 35123% 35124Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at 35125which the hearer is permitted to laugh. 35126 -- Quentin Crisp 35127% 35128Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. 35129 -- Mark Twain 35130% 35131Nothing succeeds like success. 35132 -- Alexandre Dumas 35133% 35134Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. 35135 -- Christopher Lascl 35136% 35137Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. 35138 -- Charlie Brown 35139% 35140Nothing that's forced can ever be right, 35141If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 35142That's what she said as she turned out the light, 35143And we bent our backs as slaves of the night, 35144Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars 35145She got from trying to fight 35146Saying, oh, you'd better believe it. 35147[...] 35148Well nothing that's real is ever for free 35149And you just have to pay for it sometime. 35150She said it before, she said it to me, 35151I suppose she believed there was nothing to see, 35152But the same old four imaginary walls 35153She'd built for livin' inside 35154I said oh, you just can't mean it. 35155[...] 35156Well nothing that's forced can ever be right, 35157If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 35158That's what she said as she turned out the light, 35159And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right, 35160But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost 35161The veil that covered her eyes, 35162I said oh, you can leave it. 35163 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It" 35164% 35165Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. 35166 -- Kin Hubbard 35167% 35168Nothing will ever be attempted 35169if all possible objections must be first overcome. 35170 -- Dr. Johnson 35171% 35172NOTICE: 35173 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will 35174 be summarily put out. 35175% 35176NOTICE: 35177 35178-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- 35179 35180(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.) 35181% 35182Nouvelle cuisine, n.: 35183 French for "not enough food". 35184 35185Continental breakfast, n.: 35186 English for "not enough food". 35187 35188Tapas, n.: 35189 Spanish for "not enough food". 35190 35191Dim Sum, n.: 35192 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. 35193% 35194November, n.: 35195 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 35196 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 35197% 35198Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: 35199 35200 When comes the revolution, things will be different -- 35201 not better, just different. 35202% 35203Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. 35204% 35205Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; 35206Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. 35207 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 35208% 35209Now I lay me back to sleep. 35210The speaker's dull; the subject's deep. 35211If he should stop before I wake, 35212Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. 35213 -- Anonymous 35214% 35215Now I lay me down to sleep 35216I pray the double lock will keep; 35217May no brick through the window break, 35218And, no one rob me till I awake. 35219% 35220Now I lay me down to sleep, 35221I pray the Lord my soul to keep, 35222If I should die before I wake, 35223I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!" 35224% 35225Now I lay me down to study, 35226I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. 35227And if I fail to learn this junk, 35228I pray the Lord that I won't flunk. 35229But if I do, don't pity me at all, 35230Just lay my bones in the study hall. 35231Tell my teacher I've done my best, 35232Then pile my books upon my chest. 35233% 35234Now is the time for all good men to come to. 35235 -- Walt Kelly 35236% 35237Now is the time for drinking; 35238now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. 35239 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 35240% 35241Now it's time to say goodbye 35242To all our company... 35243M-I-C (see you next week!) 35244K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!) 35245M-O-U-S-E. 35246% 35247Now of my threescore years and ten, 35248Twenty will not come again, 35249And take from seventy springs a score, 35250It leaves me only fifty more. 35251 35252And since to look at things in bloom 35253Fifty springs are little room, 35254About the woodlands I will go 35255To see the cherry hung with snow. 35256 -- A. E. Housman 35257% 35258Now that day wearies me, 35259My yearning desire 35260Will receive more kindly, 35261Like a tired child, the starry night. 35262 35263Hands, leave off your deeds, 35264Mind, forget all thoughts; 35265All of my forces 35266Yearn only to sink into sleep. 35267 35268And my soul, unguarded, 35269Would soar on widespread wings, 35270To live in night's magical sphere 35271More profoundly, more variously. 35272 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" 35273% 35274Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time 35275some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug 35276her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee 35277cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: 35278 352791: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? 352802: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 35281 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 352823: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed... 35283 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the 35284 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make 35285 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) 35286 35287That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 35288% 35289Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 35290Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 35291were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ... 35292 -- "The Begatting of a President" 35293% 35294Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," 35295or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." 35296 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ 35297% 35298Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: 35299you can win or you can lose or it can rain. 35300 -- Casey Stengel 35301% 35302Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a 35303smurfette. 35304 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 35305% 35306Nowlan's Theory: 35307 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 35308 the next freeway exit. 35309% 35310Now's the time to have some big ideas 35311Now's the time to make some firm decisions 35312We saw the Buddha in a bar down south 35313Talking politics and nuclear fission 35314We see him and he's all washed up -- 35315Moving on into the body of a beetle 35316Getting ready for a long long crawl 35317He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... 35318 35319Death and Money make their point once more 35320In the shape of Philosophical assassins 35321Mark and Danny take the bus uptown 35322Deadly angels for reality and passion 35323Have the courage of the here and now 35324Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas 35325When you think you got it paid in full 35326You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... 35327 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 35328 We know his name and he mustn't get away. 35329 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 35330 It would take one shot -- to blow him away... 35331 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha" 35332% 35333Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. 35334 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, 35335 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York 35336 Times, June 10, 1955. 35337% 35338[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 35339 -- Edwin Meese III 35340% 35341Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile. 35342 -- Karl Lehenbauer 35343% 35344Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 35345normal routines, for children and adults alike. 35346 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack" 35347% 35348Nuclear war would really set back cable. 35349 -- Ted Turner 35350% 35351Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 35352% 35353Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus. 35354% 35355Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. 35356% 35357(null cookie; hope that's ok) 35358% 35359Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. 35360 -- Seneca 35361% 35362Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. 35363% 35364Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. 35365Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. 35366Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? 35367Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. 35368% 35369Nusbaum's Rule: 35370 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the 35371 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the 35372 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted 35373 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.) 35374% 35375O! If I were a fish 35376I'd lay hap'ly on my dish. 35377Yes, that's my one and only wish -- 35378To be a fish! 35379 35380For fish don't ever mish; 35381They needn't flush after they pish! 35382Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish, 35383For all the fish!!! 35384% 35385O give me a home, 35386Where the buffalo roam, 35387Where the deer and the antelope play, 35388Where seldom is heard 35389A discouraging word, 35390'Cause what can an antelope say? 35391% 35392O imitators, you slavish herd! 35393 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 35394% 35395O, it is excellent 35396To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous 35397To use it like a giant. 35398 -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 35399% 35400O Lord, grant that we may always be right, 35401for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. 35402% 35403O love, could thou and I with fate conspire 35404To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, 35405Might we not smash it to bits 35406And mould it closer to our hearts' desire? 35407 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald 35408% 35409Oatmeal raisin. 35410% 35411Objects are lost only because people 35412look where they are not rather than where they are. 35413% 35414O'Brian's Law: 35415 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. 35416% 35417O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the 35418thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. 35419 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?" 35420 "Four." 35421 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- 35422 then how many?" 35423 "Four." 35424 The word ended in a gasp of pain. 35425 -- George Orwell 35426% 35427Observe yon plumed biped fine. 35428To activate its captivation, 35429Deposit on its termination, 35430A quantity of particles saline. 35431% 35432Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal. 35433% 35434Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred. 35435 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, 35436 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view 35437 of the grandstands. 35438% 35439Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. 35440% 35441OCCAM'S ERASER: 35442 The philosophical principle that even the simplest 35443 solution is bound to have something wrong with it. 35444% 35445Occident, n.: 35446 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is 35447 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the 35448 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, 35449 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, 35450 are the principal industries of the Orient. 35451 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 35452% 35453OCEAN: 35454 A body of water occupying about two-thirds 35455 of a world made for man -- who has no gills. 35456% 35457Odets, where is thy sting? 35458 -- George S. Kaufman 35459% 35460Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. 35461% 35462Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: 35463to know so much and have control over nothing. 35464 -- Herodotus 35465% 35466Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the 35467reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest 35468amount of hot air. 35469 -- Thomas L. Martin 35470% 35471Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 35472 -- Plato 35473% 35474Of all the words of witch's doom 35475There's none so bad as which and whom. 35476The man who kills both which and whom 35477Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 35478 -- Fletcher Knebel 35479% 35480Of all things man is the measure. 35481 -- Protagoras 35482% 35483Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between 35484husband and wife. 35485% 35486Of course it's possible to love a human being 35487if you don't know them too well. 35488 -- Charles Bukowski 35489% 35490Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 35491tools aren't soluble in alcohol... 35492 -- Crazy Nigel 35493% 35494Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. 35495After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. 35496% 35497Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. 35498% 35499Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of 35500TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. 35501% 35502Office Automation, n.: 35503 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office 35504 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. 35505% 35506Official Project Stages: 35507 1. Uncritical Acceptance 35508 2. Wild Enthusiasm 35509 3. Dejected Disillusionment 35510 4. Total Confusion 35511 5. Search for the Guilty 35512 6. Punishment of the Innocent 35513 7. Promotion of the Non-participants 35514% 35515Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses 35516lampposts -- for support rather than illumination. 35517% 35518Often things ARE as bad as they seem! 35519% 35520Ogden's Law: 35521 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 35522% 35523Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! 35524% 35525Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? 35526 -- Pink Floyd 35527% 35528Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! 35529% 35530Oh don't the days seem lank and long 35531When all goes right and none goes wrong, 35532And isn't your life extremely flat 35533With nothing whatever to grumble at! 35534% 35535Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do? 35536They're burning our streets and beating me blue. 35537"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth: 35538Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes." 35539 35540Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove, 35541I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth. 35542"Now listen my son, although you're confused, 35543Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes." 35544 35545Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share. 35546What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare? 35547"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware. 35548Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair." 35549 35550Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care? 35551Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair? 35552"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair: 35553Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair." 35554% 35555Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me 35556As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. 35557Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes, 35558And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, 35559Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon, 35560 see if I don't. 35561 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 35562% 35563Oh, give me a home, 35564Where the buffalo roam, 35565And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen. 35566% 35567Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus 35568 Where the three-body problem is solved, 35569 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, 35570 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus) 35571We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high, 35572 Our ball bearings are perfectly round. 35573 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, 35574 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus) 35575If we run out of space for our burgeoning race 35576 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch 35577 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart, 35578 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus) 35579I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space, 35580 And living up here is a bore. 35581 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye 35582 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus) 35583 35584CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange, 35585 Where the space debris always collects, 35586 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams: 35587 Solar power and zero-gee sex. 35588 -- to Home on the Range 35589% 35590Oh give me your pity! 35591I'm on a committee, We attend and amend 35592Which means that from morning And contend and defend 35593 to night, Without a conclusion in sight. 35594 35595We confer and concur, 35596We defer and demur, We revise the agenda 35597And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda 35598 And consider a load of reports. 35599 35600We compose and propose, 35601We suppose and oppose, But though various notions 35602And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions, 35603 There's terribly little gets done. 35604 35605We resolve and absolve; 35606But we never dissolve, 35607Since it's out of the question for us 35608To bring our committee 35609To end like this ditty, 35610Which stops with a period, thus. 35611 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee" 35612% 35613"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the 35614dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time 35615and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but, 35616you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the 35617ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he 35618wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning 35619last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and 35620buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them. 35621He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth 35622and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for 35623their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for 35624another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa 35625said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't 35626know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog." 35627 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" 35628% 35629Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 35630 I muck with indices and structs all day 35631And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 35632 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 35633% 35634Oh, I could while away the hours, 35635Smoking herbs and flowers, 35636Shooting up my veins, 35637 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum 35638Tell you, I've been a-thinkin' 35639I could drive a shiny Lincoln, 35640If I dealt in good cocaine. 35641 -- To "If I Only Had A Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz" 35642% 35643Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 35644be irresponsible, too. 35645 -- Lichty & Wagner 35646% 35647Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 35648And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 35649Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 35650Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 35651You have not dreamed of -- 35652Wheeled and soared and swung 35653High in the sunlit silence. 35654Hovering there 35655I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 35656My eager craft through footless halls of air. 35657Up, up along delirious, burning blue 35658I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 35659Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 35660And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 35661The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 35662Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 35663 -- John Gillespie Magee, Jr., "High Flight" 35664% 35665Oh I'm just a typical American boy 35666From a typical American town. 35667I believe in God and Senator Dodd 35668And keeping old Castro down. 35669And when it came my time to serve 35670I knew "Better Dead Than Red", 35671But when I got to my old draft board, 35672Buddy, this is what I said: 35673 35674Chorus: 35675 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen, 35676 And I always carry a purse! 35677 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat, 35678 And my asthma's getting worse! 35679 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear, 35680 And my poor old invalid aunt! 35681 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school 35682 And I'm a-working in a defense plant! 35683 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 35684% 35685Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD? 35686My friends all got sources, so why can't I see? 35687Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me: 35688To hell with the lawyers from AT&T! 35689% 35690Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one 35691arch-enemy -- and that is life. 35692 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele" 35693% 35694Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts -- 35695it's what you do with what you have left. 35696 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 35697% 35698Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard. 35699 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" 35700% 35701Oh, so there you are! 35702% 35703Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. 35704He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me. 35705No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee. 35706He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! 35707 -- The Smothers Brothers 35708% 35709Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. 35710 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 35711% 35712Oh wad some power the giftie gie us 35713To see oursel's as others see us! 35714It wad frae monie a blunder free us, 35715And foolish notion. 35716 -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796 35717% 35718Oh wearisome condition of humanity! 35719Born under one law, to another bound. 35720 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke 35721% 35722Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 35723% 35724Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. 35725 -- William Shakespeare 35726% 35727Oh, when I was in love with you, 35728 Then I was clean and brave, 35729And miles around the wonder grew 35730 How well did I behave. 35731 35732And now the fancy passes by, 35733 And nothing will remain, 35734And miles around they'll say that I 35735 Am quite myself again. 35736 -- A. E. Housman 35737% 35738Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 35739% 35740Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me "Johnson"! Well, you can call me "Ray", or 35741you can call me "Jay", or you can call me "R. J.", or you can call me "Ray 35742J.", or you can call me "R. J. J.", or you can call me "Ray J. Johnson", or 35743you can call me "R. J. Johnson", but ya DOESN'T have to call me "Johnson" ... 35744% 35745Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. 35746 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane" 35747% 35748O.K., fine. 35749% 35750Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't 35751have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail 35752just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait 35753until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll 35754save precious time and electrons. 35755 -- Bill Paul 35756% 35757OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard. 35758 -- Dr. Joy 35759% 35760OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. 35761% 35762Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked 35763just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the 35764executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in 35765the code over again, since I also removed the source. 35766% 35767Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. 35768% 35769Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 35770 -- Bernard Baruch 35771% 35772Old age is the harbor of all ills. 35773 -- Bion 35774% 35775Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 35776 -- Trotsky 35777% 35778Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. 35779% 35780Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. 35781% 35782Old Japanese proverb: 35783 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, 35784and those who climb it twice. 35785% 35786Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. 35787% 35788Old mail has arrived. 35789% 35790Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for being 35791no longer in a position to give bad examples. 35792 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 35793% 35794Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 35795To fetch her poor daughter a dress. 35796When she got there, the cupboard was bare 35797And so was her daughter, I guess... 35798% 35799Old musicians never die, they just decompose. 35800% 35801Old programmers never die, they just become managers. 35802% 35803Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. 35804% 35805Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. 35806% 35807Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 35808% 35809Old timer, n.: 35810 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. 35811% 35812Olivier's Law: 35813 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 35814% 35815Omnibiblious, adj.: 35816 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. 35817 I'm omnibiblious." 35818% 35819On a clear day, U.C.L.A. 35820% 35821On a clear disk you can seek forever. 35822 -- P. Denning 35823% 35824On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 35825 35826This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 35827 -- Wolfgang Pauli 35828% 35829On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on 35830a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir. 35831 35832[One is always a little afraid of love, but 35833above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.] 35834% 35835On ability: 35836 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; 35837 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. 35838 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD 35839% 35840On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 35841nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 35842what it does. 35843 -- Will Rogers 35844% 35845On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one 35846car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of 35847the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. 35848 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let 35849you come any closer." 35850 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man 35851explained. 35852 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a 35853decapitation." 35854 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and 35855pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" 35856 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much 35857taller." 35858% 35859On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the 35860proposition that all men are created jerks. 35861 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 35862% 35863On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the 35864same moment -- halftime. 35865% 35866On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN. 35867% 35868On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little 35869girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and 35870Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, 35871and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." 35872% 35873On the subject of C program indentation: 35874 35875 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be 35876 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." 35877 -- Blair P. Houghton 35878% 35879On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. 35880 -- W. C. Fields' epitaph 35881% 35882On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. 35883Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers 35884come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of 35885ideas that could provoke such a question. 35886 -- Charles Babbage 35887% 35888Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, 35889and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 35890 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 35891% 35892Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. 35893 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 35894% 35895Once, adv.: 35896 Enough. 35897 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 35898% 35899Once again dread deed is done. 35900Canon sleeps, 35901his all-knowing eye shaded 35902to human chance and circumstance. 35903Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley, 35904but Canon's sleep is troubled. 35905 35906Beware, scant days past the Ides of July. 35907Impatient hands wait eagerly 35908to grasp, to hold 35909scant moments of time 35910wrested from life in the full 35911glory of Canon's power; 35912held captive by his unblinking eye. 35913 35914Three golden orbs stand watch; 35915one each to toll the day, hour, minute 35916until predestiny decrees his reawakening. 35917When that feared moment arrives, 35918"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, 35919It tolls for thee." 35920 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine 35921 Valley Pawn Shop today" 35922% 35923Once Again From the Top 35924 35925Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously 35926reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman 35927in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and 35928lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular 35929homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that 35930he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on 35931George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published 35932inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the 35933lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with 35934vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. 35935The Herald regrets the errors." 35936 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987 35937% 35938Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that 35939each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his 35940choice. 35941 35942In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 35943called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah" 35944and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People 35945passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy 35946Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 35947 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 35948% 35949Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, 35950Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". 35951Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your 35952principals or your mistress." 35953% 35954Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. 35955 -- Homer 35956% 35957Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 35958roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the 35959forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind 35960the railroad yards." 35961 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, 35962 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution 35963 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. 35964% 35965Once I finally figured out all of life's 35966answers, they changed the questions. 35967% 35968Once, I read that a man be never stronger 35969than when he truly realizes how weak he is. 35970 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31" 35971% 35972Once is happenstance, 35973Twice is coincidence, 35974Three times is enemy action. 35975 -- Auric Goldfinger 35976% 35977Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to 35978sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer. 35979% 35980Once Law was sitting on the bench 35981 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 35982"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 35983 Nor come before me creeping. 35984Upon your knees if you appear, 35985'Tis plain you have no standing here." 35986 35987Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 35988 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 35989"Amica curiae," she replied -- 35990 "Friend of the court, so please you." 35991"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 35992I never saw your face before!" 35993 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 35994% 35995Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings 35996infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can 35997grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it 35998possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. 35999 -- Rainer Rilke 36000% 36001Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. 36002 -- H. R. Haldeman 36003% 36004Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, 36005And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, 36006And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool, 36007He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!) 36008And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat, 36009He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat, 36010And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout! 36011 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out! 36012And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog, 36013And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god, 36014The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed, 36015But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed! 36016Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace, 36017And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste, 36018But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt", 36019 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out! 36020When the day is done and the moon comes out, 36021And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count, 36022When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey, 36023And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay, 36024You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, 36025 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down! 36026% 36027Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during 36028a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin 36029parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So, 36030to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the 36031end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the 36032page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more 36033inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he 36034was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth; 36035the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out. 36036% 36037Once upon a time there... 36038% 36039Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants 36040were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was 36041to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If 36042the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would 36043just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family 36044of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful 36045sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable 36046possession. And the moral of the story is: 36047 36048The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that 36049hit you. 36050% 36051Once upon this midnight incoherent, 36052While you pondered sentient and crystalline, 36053Over many a broken and subordinate 36054Volume of gnarly lore, 36055While I pestered, nearly singing, 36056Suddenly there came a hewing, 36057As of someone profusely skulking, 36058Skulking at my chamber door. 36059% 36060Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 36061% 36062Once you've tried to change the world you find 36063it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. 36064% 36065One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least 36066somebody's listening. 36067 -- Franklin P. Jones 36068% 36069"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". 36070% 36071"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." 36072 36073Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. 36074The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. 36075 -- Chuq Von Rospach 36076% 36077One Bell System - it sometimes works. 36078% 36079One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension! 36080% 36081One Bell System - it works. 36082% 36083One big pile is better than two little piles. 36084 -- Arlo Guthrie 36085% 36086One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. 36087 -- Helen Keller 36088% 36089One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the 36090mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. 36091 -- J. Gustav White 36092% 36093One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 36094how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 36095 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi 36096% 36097One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 36098% 36099One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast 36100to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, 36101a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also 36102just stupid. 36103 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix" 36104% 36105One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his 36106attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of 36107smoke. 36108 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For 36109releasing me I will grant you three wishes." 36110 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan 36111resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish 36112border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." 36113 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" 36114 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the 36115Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, 36116and march back home." 36117 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?" 36118 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" 36119 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march 36120to Poland three times and never invade?" 36121 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times." 36122% 36123One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the 36124truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, 36125"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question 36126which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the 36127guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative 36128is death by hanging." 36129 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." 36130 "I don't believe you." 36131 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" 36132 "But that would make it the truth!" 36133 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 36134% 36135One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and 36136decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a 36137mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some 36138way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could 36139make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks 36140this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself. 36141 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any 36142success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes, 36143actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but 36144there a number of details to be figured out. 36145 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house, 36146looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have 36147some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right 36148track." 36149 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by 36150pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his 36151eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing 36152the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from 36153behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO 36154IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!! 36155And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple 36156harmonic motion..." 36157% 36158One day, 36159A mad meta-poet, 36160With nothing to say, 36161Wrote a mad meta-poem 36162That started: "One day, 36163A mad meta-poet, 36164With nothing to say, 36165Wrote a mad meta-poem 36166That started: "One day, 36167[...] 36168sort of close". 36169Were the words that the poet, 36170Finally chose, 36171To bring his mad poem, 36172To some sort of close". 36173Were the words that the poet, 36174Finally chose, 36175To bring his mad poem, 36176To some sort of close". 36177% 36178One difference between a man and a machine 36179is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. 36180% 36181One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. 36182 -- Larry Gelbart 36183% 36184One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick 36185Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car 36186conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the 36187merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see 36188his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. 36189 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her 36190full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has 36191been havin' all these years." 36192 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary 36193Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is 36194totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the 36195drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and 36196passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact 36197with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. 36198 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her 36199head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these 36200years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself." 36201% 36202One expresses well the love he does not feel. 36203 -- J. A. Karr 36204% 36205One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. 36206% 36207One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. 36208 -- George Herbert 36209% 36210One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. 36211Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, 36212a rivalry of aim. 36213 -- Henry Brook Adams 36214% 36215One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. 36216 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" 36217% 36218One good reason why computers can do more work than 36219people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. 36220% 36221One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. 36222% 36223One good thing about music, 36224Well, it helps you feel no pain. 36225So hit me with music; 36226Hit me with music now. 36227 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock" 36228% 36229One good turn asketh another. 36230 -- John Heywood 36231% 36232One good turn deserves another. 36233 -- Gaius Petronius 36234% 36235One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. 36236% 36237One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines 36238and end up with the atomic bomb. 36239 -- Marcel Pagnol 36240% 36241One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. 36242 -- Confucius 36243% 36244One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 36245 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 36246% 36247One is often kept in the right road by a rut. 36248 -- Gustave Droz 36249% 36250One learns to itch where one can scratch. 36251 -- Ernest Bramah 36252% 36253ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in 36254ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. 36255% 36256One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. 36257% 36258One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as 36259one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will 36260produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to 36261represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as 36262many ... 36263 -- Anthony Chevins 36264% 36265One man's constant is another man's variable. 36266 -- Alan J. Perlis 36267% 36268One man's folly is another man's wife. 36269 -- Helen Rowland 36270% 36271One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. 36272"Supernatural" is a null word. 36273% 36274One man's Mede is another man's Persian. 36275 -- George M. Cohan 36276% 36277One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 36278% 36279One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends 36280can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. 36281 -- Clifton Fadiman 36282% 36283One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. 36284% 36285One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How 36286will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, 36287I'll tell you." 36288% 36289One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens 36290without laughing. 36291 -- Oscar Wilde 36292% 36293One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 36294% 36295One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. 36296% 36297One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from 36298one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 36299percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, 36300simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, 36301nobody can touch him. 36302 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983 36303% 36304One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an 36305advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from 36306mathematics. 36307 -- N. Wiener 36308% 36309One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old 36310enough to give you presents they make at school. 36311 -- Robert Byrne 36312% 36313One of the large consolations for experiencing anything 36314unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it. 36315 -- Joyce Carol Oates 36316% 36317One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 36318do and always a clever thing to say. 36319 -- Will Durant 36320% 36321One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with 36322Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just 36323to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't 36324be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending 36325to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't 36326understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was 36327renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the 36328time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be 36329puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be 36330genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. 36331 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 36332% 36333One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do 36334foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. 36335 -- Joe Martin 36336% 36337One of the most striking differences between a 36338cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. 36339 -- Mark Twain 36340% 36341One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God 36342create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "_s_o_m_e_b_o_d_y has to buy 36343retail." 36344 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 36345% 36346One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they 36347need no answer. 36348 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron 36349% 36350One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 36351seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 36352way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted 36353in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and 36354imagine they were in Topeka Kansas. 36355% 36356One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he 36357once had a publisher shot. 36358 -- Siegfried Unseld 36359% 36360One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself. 36361% 36362One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a 36363thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with 36364the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing 36365hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and 36366laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can." 36367 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might 36368happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die. 36369And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. 36370 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle 36371% 36372One organism, one vote. 36373% 36374One person's error is another person's data. 36375% 36376One picture is worth 128K words. 36377% 36378One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. 36379 -- Chinese proverb 36380% 36381One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits 36382And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall. 36383And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar 36384Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call. 36385Go ask Alice Call Alice 36386When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small. 36387 36388When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion 36389Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead, 36390And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking 36391 mushroom backwards 36392And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head 36393Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said: 36394I think she'll know. Feed your head. 36395 Feed your head. 36396 Feed your head. 36397 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" 36398% 36399One planet is all you get. 36400% 36401One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan 36402is that there never was a plan in the first place. 36403% 36404One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 36405manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that 36406they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's 36407say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding 36408study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by 36409sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, 36410strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus 36411rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also 36412be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. 36413Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle 36414Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save 36415millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently 36416support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that 36417your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members 36418of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are 36419already too large to fit on normal aircraft. 36420 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 36421% 36422One reason why George Washington 36423Is held in such veneration: 36424He never blamed his problems 36425On the former Administration. 36426 -- George O. Ludcke 36427% 36428One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there 36429should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles 36430to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some 36431virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded 36432and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously 36433many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that 36434people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach 36435is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes. 36436 -- Ronald Reagan 36437% 36438One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 36439% 36440One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. 36441 -- Oscar Wilde 36442% 36443ONE SIZE FITS ALL: 36444 Doesn't fit anyone. 36445% 36446One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind. 36447% 36448One thing about the past. 36449It's likely to last. 36450 -- Ogden Nash 36451% 36452ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take 36453my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out 36454warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and 36455cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. 36456 36457I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty 36458late. 36459 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 36460% 36461One thing the inventors can't seem to 36462get the bugs out of is fresh paint. 36463% 36464One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 36465sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer 36466terror. 36467 -- W. K. Hartmann 36468% 36469One thought driven home is better than three left on base. 36470% 36471One toke over the line, sweet Mary, 36472One toke over the line, 36473Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 36474One toke over the line. 36475Waitin' for the train that goes home, 36476Hopin' that the train is on time, 36477Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 36478One toke over the line. 36479% 36480One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a 36481new model. 36482% 36483One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him. 36484% 36485One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at 36486the stake while the votes were being counted. 36487 -- Thomas B. Reed 36488% 36489One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, 36490because they bite. 36491 -- Vladimir Lenin 36492% 36493One-Shot Case Study, n.: 36494 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 36495 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. 36496% 36497On-line, adj.: 36498 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 36499 computer. 36500% 36501Only a fool has no doubts. 36502% 36503Only a mediocre person is always at his best. 36504 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 36505% 36506Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 36507% 36508Only fools are quoted. 36509 -- Anonymous 36510% 36511Only God can make random selections. 36512% 36513Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. 36514 -- Oscar Wilde 36515 36516Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. 36517 -- The Unnamed Usenetter 36518% 36519Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four 36520essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. 36521 -- Alex Levine 36522 36523[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are 36524hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] 36525% 36526Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right 36527to use the editorial "we". 36528% 36529Only someone with nothing to be sorry for 36530smiles back at the rear of an elephant. 36531% 36532Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. 36533 -- Baba Ram Dass 36534% 36535Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by 36536placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," 36537and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn 36538food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours 36539unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS 36540and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a 36541modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power 36542that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, 36543postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of 36544the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. 36545May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. 36546 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83 36547% 36548Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. 36549 -- Hannah Arendt 36550% 36551Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are 36552busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. 36553 -- Lao Tsu 36554% 36555Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. 36556% 36557Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. 36558% 36559Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where 36560a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything 36561or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who 36562happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their 36563windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing 36564peacefully on his balcony a few yards away. 36565 -- Sicilian police officer 36566% 36567Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one 36568of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. 36569% 36570Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer. 36571% 36572Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. 36573% 36574Onward through the fog. 36575% 36576Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. 36577% 36578Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes. 36579 -- Debbie VanDam 36580% 36581Opium is very cheap considering you don't 36582feel like eating for the next six days. 36583 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite 36584% 36585Oppernockity tunes but once. 36586% 36587Opportunities are usually disguised as hard 36588work, so most people don't recognize them. 36589% 36590Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to 36591talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, 36592crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love 36593them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." 36594% 36595Optimism is the content of small men in high places. 36596 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" 36597% 36598Optimism, n.: 36599The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, 36600and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by 36601those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded 36602with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible 36603to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment 36604but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. 36605% 36606Optimist, n.: 36607 A bagpiper with a beeper. 36608% 36609Optimist, n.: 36610 A proponent of the belief that black is white. 36611 36612 A pessimist asked God for relief. 36613 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. 36614 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that 36615would justify them." 36616 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked 36617something -- the mortality of the optimist." 36618 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 36619% 36620Optimist, n.: 36621 Someone who goes down to the marriage 36622 bureau to see if his license has expired. 36623% 36624Optimization hinders evolution. 36625% 36626Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. 36627 -- Germaine Greer 36628% 36629Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). 36630% 36631Order and simplification are the first steps toward 36632mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. 36633 -- Thomas Mann 36634% 36635Oregano, n.: 36636 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. 36637% 36638Oregon, n.: 36639 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday 36640night. 36641% 36642O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: 36643Cleanliness is next to impossible 36644% 36645Oreo 36646% 36647Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 36648Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 36649 -- Mike Adams 36650% 36651Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born 36652to people you could not have possibly met. 36653 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 36654% 36655Osborn's Law: 36656 Variables won't; constants aren't. 36657% 36658Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? 36659% 36660Other women cloy 36661The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry 36662Where most she satisfies. 36663 -- Antony and Cleopatra 36664% 36665Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. 36666% 36667Others will look to you for stability, 36668so hide when you bite your nails. 36669% 36670O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: 36671 Murphy was an optimist. 36672% 36673Ouch! That felt good! 36674 -- Karen Gordon 36675% 36676"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big 36677system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'" 36678 36679"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make 36680any difference if it takes a while to fix it." 36681 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988 36682% 36683Our business in life is not to succeed 36684but to continue to fail in high spirits. 36685 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 36686% 36687Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the 36688local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash 36689award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. 36690His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year 36691by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, 36692home-made, hand-held model. 36693 36694Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit 36695to the Pentagon free of charge: 36696 36697 a. Don't kill anybody. 36698 b. Don't build things that do. 36699 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody. 36700 36701We expect annual savings to be in the billions. 36702 -- Sojourners 36703% 36704Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, 36705but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. 36706% 36707Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the 36708office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we 36709were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of 36710juice. But only *_h_e* had a lollipop. 36711 36712He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 36713 36714Her reply: 36715 36716 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it 36717 means to be a programmer." 36718% 36719Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a 36720continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national 36721emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we 36722did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. 36723Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never 36724to have been quite real. 36725 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 36726% 36727Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. 36728% 36729Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. 36730 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte 36731% 36732Our little systems have their day; 36733They have their day and cease to be; 36734They are but broken lights of thee. 36735 -- Tennyson 36736% 36737Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 36738Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 36739In kernel as it is in user. 36740% 36741Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us 36742to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the 36743rain, we were punished. 36744 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic 36745% 36746Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 36747 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries 36748% 36749Our problems are so serious that the best 36750way to talk about them is lightheartedly. 36751% 36752Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. 36753We their sons are more worthless than they: 36754so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. 36755 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 36756% 36757Our swords shall play the orators for us. 36758 -- Christopher Marlowe 36759% 36760Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, 36761In all of the directions it can whiz; 36762As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, 36763Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. 36764So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, 36765How amazingly unlikely is your birth; 36766And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 36767'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! 36768 -- Monty Python 36769% 36770Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. 36771 -- Alex Schure 36772% 36773Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 36774 -- General Omar N. Bradley 36775% 36776Ours is a world where people don't know what they 36777want and are willing to go through hell to get it. 36778% 36779Out of sight is out of mind. 36780 -- Arthur Clough 36781% 36782Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. 36783 -- Immanuel Kant 36784% 36785Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. 36786% 36787Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, 36788it's too dark to read. 36789 -- Groucho Marx 36790% 36791Over the shoulder supervision is more a 36792need of the manager than the programming task. 36793% 36794Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now 36795I can remember things that *have* happened before ... 36796% 36797Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two 36798complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through 36799rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining 36800errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this 36801design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the 36802result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the 36803problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the 36804system. 36805 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual 36806 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 36807 Concepts and Philosophies," 36808 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. 36809% 36810Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will 36811continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually 36812powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the 36813victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking 36814move?' 36815 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" 36816% 36817Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 36818% 36819Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket. 36820% 36821Overheard: 36822 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!" 36823% 36824Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 36825% 36826Owe no man any thing... 36827 -- Romans 13:8 36828% 36829Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in 36830concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the 36831oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very 36832much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher 36833concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it 36834takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason 36835for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of 36836oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex 36837process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is 36838always fatal. 36839 36840However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the 36841fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is 36842sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any 36843considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with 36844symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. 36845 36846Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in 36847the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be 36848due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings 36849in question. 36850 36851Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and 36852tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is 36853too late. 36854 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 36855% 36856Ozman's Laws: 36857 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. 36858 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. 36859 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 36860 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 36861% 36862paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a 36863 vehicle) for a time in a certain location. 36864patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. 36865Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year. 36866shua, n: Having no doubt; certain. 36867sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker. 36868tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads 36869 or as a vegetable. 36870troopa, n: A state policeman. 36871Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts. 36872yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building. 36873 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 36874% 36875PAIN: 36876 Falling out of a twenty story building, 36877 and snagging your eyelid on a nail. 36878% 36879PAIN: 36880 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive! 36881% 36882PAIN: 36883 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol. 36884% 36885Pain is just God's way of hurting you. 36886% 36887Painting, n.: 36888 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and 36889 exposing them to the critic. 36890 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 36891% 36892Pandora's Rule: 36893 Never open a box you didn't close. 36894% 36895panic: can't find / 36896% 36897panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) 36898% 36899panic: kernel trap (ignored) 36900% 36901Paprika Measure: 36902 36903 2 dashes == 1 smidgen 36904 2 smidgens == 1 pinch 36905 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 36906 2 soupcons == too much paprika 36907% 36908Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much 36909better. 36910 -- Laurie Anderson 36911% 36912Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 36913% 36914Paralysis through analysis. 36915% 36916PARANOIA: 36917 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works. 36918% 36919Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you. 36920% 36921Paranoia is heightened awareness. 36922% 36923Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 36924% 36925Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. 36926Now ... just try to find out where! 36927% 36928Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. 36929% 36930Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy 36931to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 36932 -- D. J. Hicks 36933% 36934Pardon me while I laugh. 36935% 36936Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. 36937% 36938Pardo's First Postulate: 36939 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or 36940fattening. 36941 36942Arnold's Addendum: 36943 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. 36944% 36945Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they 36946didn't have much of anything to do with it. 36947% 36948Parker's Law: 36949 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 36950% 36951Parkinson's Fifth Law: 36952 If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good 36953 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 36954% 36955Parkinson's Fourth Law: 36956 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 36957 regardless of the amount of work to be done. 36958% 36959Parsley is gharsley. 36960 -- Ogden Nash 36961% 36962Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 36963% 36964PARTY: 36965 A gathering where you meet people who drink 36966 so much you can't even remember their names. 36967% 36968Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. 36969 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan 36970% 36971Pascal is not a high-level language. 36972 -- Steven Feiner 36973% 36974Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat. 36975 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 36976% 36977Pascal, n.: 36978 A programming language named after a man who would turn over 36979 in his grave if he knew about it. 36980 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 36981% 36982Pascal Users: 36983 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. 36984 Please modify your programs accordingly. 36985% 36986Pascal Users: 36987 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 36988 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 36989% 36990Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 36991 -- Eric Hoffer 36992% 36993Password: 36994% 36995Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. 36996% 36997Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being 36998 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises... 36999 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't 37000 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most 37001 CREEPING things... 37002Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars? 37003P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone 37004 can get in. 37005A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff! 37006P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED 37007 CATERPILLARS! 37008[...] 37009P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat 37010 a LITTLE SQUIRREL? 37011A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day. 37012P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya? 37013A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the 37014 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry. 37015P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick! 37016A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh) 37017 par for the course, Charlie. 37018 -- The Firesign Theatre 37019% 37020Patageometry, n.: 37021 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant 37022under brain transplants. 37023% 37024Patch griefs with proverbs. 37025 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 37026% 37027Patent, v.: 37028 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. 37029% 37030"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." 37031(crosses stream) 37032"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side." 37033 -- Eeyore 37034% 37035Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. 37036 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers 37037% 37038Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life. 37039 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy 37040% 37041Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. 37042 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 37043% 37044Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 37045 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell 37046 37047In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 37048resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 37049inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 37050 -- Ambrose Bierce 37051 37052When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, 37053he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. 37054 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling 37055 37056Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 37057 -- Boies Penrose 37058% 37059Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. 37060 -- Oscar Wilde 37061% 37062Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) 37063 -- Gauss 37064% 37065Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 37066% 37067Paul's Law: 37068 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you 37069 save. 37070% 37071Paul's Law: 37072 You can't fall off the floor. 37073% 37074Pause for storage relocation. 37075% 37076Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. 37077 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" 37078% 37079Paycheck, n.: 37080 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal 37081 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, 37082 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, 37083 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions. 37084% 37085Payeen to a Twang 37086Derrida 37087Ore-Ida 37088potato. 37089 37090If you dared, 37091I'd ask you 37092to go dig 37093up your ides under brown- 37094tubered skies. 37095 37096where pitchforked 37097you will ask 37098Derrida? 37099% 37100Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it. 37101% 37102Peace cannot be kept by force; it 37103can only be achieved by understanding. 37104 -- Albert Einstein 37105% 37106Peace is much more precious than a piece 37107of land... let there be no more wars. 37108 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981) 37109% 37110Peace, n.: 37111 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 37112 periods of fighting. 37113 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37114% 37115Peanut Blossoms 37116 371174 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 371184 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 371194 cups shortening 14 cups flour 371208 eggs 4 tsp. soda 371214 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 37122 37123Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased 37124cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top 37125each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly 37126to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. 37127% 37128Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 37129 Never eat rutabaga on any day of 37130 the week that has a "y" in it. 37131% 37132Pedaeration, n.: 37133 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the 37134 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. 37135 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 37136% 37137Pediddel, n.: 37138 A car with only one working headlight. 37139 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 37140% 37141Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984 37142when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second 37143baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were 37144diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero, 37145at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager 37146Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous 37147motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third 37148base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball. 37149What is it?" 37150 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I 37151hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even 37152Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball 37153to Sax.'" 37154 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 37155% 37156Peeping Tom: 37157 A window fan. 37158% 37159Peers's Law: 37160The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 37161% 37162Pelorat sighed. 37163 "I will never understand people." 37164 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look 37165at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have 37166worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was -- 37167if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people 37168weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand 37169people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself 37170-- no offense intended." 37171 -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" 37172% 37173Penguin Trivia #46: 37174 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 37175 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 37176% 37177PENGUINICITY!! 37178% 37179Pension, n.: 37180 A federally insured chain letter. 37181% 37182People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of 37183attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to 37184suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the 37185case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their 37186only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable 37187tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. 37188 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 37189% 37190People are beginning to notice you. 37191Try dressing before you leave the house. 37192% 37193People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry. 37194% 37195People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. 37196% 37197People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three 37198times, four time, five times... 37199% 37200People in general do not willingly read 37201if they have anything else to amuse them. 37202 -- S. Johnson 37203% 37204People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. 37205 -- The Best of Will Rogers 37206% 37207People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. 37208 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 37209% 37210People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an 37211election. 37212 -- Otto von Bismarck 37213% 37214People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction 37215rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. 37216 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 37217% 37218People often find it easier to be a 37219result of the past than a cause of the future. 37220% 37221People respond to people who respond. 37222% 37223People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they 37224*know* me there! 37225 -- D. L. Roth 37226% 37227People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people 37228have been left out on the pleasure. 37229 -- Russell Baker 37230% 37231People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," 37232absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the 37233public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in 37234the concentration camps. 37235% 37236People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 37237% 37238People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something 37239to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for 37240it too. 37241% 37242People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. 37243 -- Ken Kesey 37244% 37245People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed. 37246% 37247People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get 37248much better press than people who are just funny and smart. 37249 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 37250% 37251People who claim they don't let little things bother 37252them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. 37253% 37254People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. 37255 -- Abigail Van Buren 37256% 37257People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 37258% 37259People who have no faults are terrible; 37260there is no way of taking advantage of them. 37261% 37262People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't 37263what they want that they don't want it. 37264 -- Ogden Nash 37265% 37266People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. 37267% 37268People who push both buttons should get their wish. 37269% 37270People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. 37271% 37272People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have 37273cold baths. 37274% 37275People who think they know everything 37276greatly annoy those of us who do. 37277% 37278People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin 37279Franklin said it first. 37280% 37281People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 37282% 37283People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they 37284did yesterday. 37285% 37286People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. 37287% 37288People's Action Rules: 37289 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. 37290 (2) Some people who should, won't. 37291 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. 37292 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. 37293 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others. 37294% 37295Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. 37296 -- R. W. Hamming 37297% 37298Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 37299[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] 37300or 37301[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] 37302 -- Aelius Donatus 37303% 37304Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 37305% 37306Perfect guest, n.: 37307 One who makes his host feel at home. 37308% 37309Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer 37310anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. 37311 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 37312% 37313Performance: 37314 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or 37315 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored 37316 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago. 37317% 37318Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. 37319I myself would say that it had merely been detected. 37320 -- Oscar Wilde 37321% 37322Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy 37323poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind. 37324 -- Thomas Macaulay 37325% 37326Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway. 37327% 37328Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would 37329behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in 37330order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's 37331fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.) 37332% 37333Perhaps the world's second-worst crime is boredom. The first is 37334being a bore. 37335 -- Cecil Beaton 37336% 37337Perilous to all of us are the devices of 37338an art deeper than we ourselves possess. 37339 -- Gandalf the Grey 37340% 37341Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be 37342upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be 37343nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable 37344news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does 37345the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been 37346prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a 37347periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the 37348negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a 37349periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible 37350on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis, 37351case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack, 37352nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a 37353proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of 37354civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are 37355by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost 37356indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news 37357instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory 37358developments." 37359 -- Fowler's English Usage 37360% 37361Persistence in one opinion has never been considered 37362a merit in political leaders. 37363 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC 37364% 37365Personifiers of the world, unite! 37366You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 37367 -- Bernadette Bosky 37368% 37369Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 37370% 37371Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; 37372persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting 37373to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author 37374 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer" 37375% 37376Pessimist, n.: 37377 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the 37378 wolf from the door. 37379 37380Optimist, n.: 37381 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of 37382 his pants. 37383 37384Opportunist, n.: 37385 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. 37386% 37387Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad. 37388Waiter: Who told you? 37389Pete: A little swallow. 37390% 37391Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe: 37392 Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the 37393 liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out 37394 into suitable containers and cook until done. 37395% 37396Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.: 37397 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events 37398emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and 37399identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development. 37400Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time. 37401% 37402Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch. 37403% 37404Peter's Law of Substitution: 37405 Look after the molehills, and the 37406 mountains will look after themselves. 37407 37408Peter's Principle of Success: 37409 Get up one time more than you're knocked down. 37410 37411Peter's Principle: 37412 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of 37413 his incompetence. 37414% 37415Peterson's Admonition: 37416 When you think you're going down for the third time -- 37417 just remember that you may have counted wrong. 37418% 37419Peterson's Rules: 37420 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways 37421 are filled with something sticky. 37422 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. 37423 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. 37424 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing. 37425% 37426Petribar, n.: 37427 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in 37428 the window of a vending machine too long. 37429 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 37430% 37431Phasers locked on target, Captain. 37432% 37433Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to 37434exciting Camden, New Jersey. 37435% 37436Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 37437% 37438Philosophy, n.: 37439 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. 37440% 37441Philosophy, n.: 37442 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. 37443% 37444Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. 37445 -- John Keats 37446% 37447Phone call for chucky-pooh. 37448% 37449Phosflink, v.: 37450 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, 37451 that will bring it back to life). 37452 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 37453% 37454Photographing a volcano is just about 37455the most miserable thing you can do. 37456 -- Robert B. Goodman 37457 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] 37458% 37459Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the 37460farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than 37461chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock. 37462 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married" 37463% 37464Pick another fortune cookie. 37465% 37466Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, 37467I wonder how the old folks are tonight, 37468Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face, 37469She left me not knowing what to do. 37470 37471Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you, 37472Carefree Highway, you seen better days, 37473The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes, 37474Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you... 37475 37476Turning back the pages to the times I love best, 37477I wonder if she'll ever do the same, 37478Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied, 37479With knowing I got noone left to blame. 37480Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame... 37481 37482Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep, 37483I wonder if the years have closed her mind, 37484I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free, 37485From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew. 37486 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway" 37487% 37488Pickle's Law: 37489 If Congress must do a painful thing, 37490 the thing must be done in an odd-number year. 37491% 37492Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional 37493hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational 37494sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ... 37495% 37496Piddle, twiddle, and resolve, 37497Not one damn thing do we solve. 37498 -- 1776 37499% 37500Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. 37501% 37502Piece of cake! 37503 -- G. S. Koblas 37504% 37505Pig, n.: 37506 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race 37507 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, 37508 is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 37509 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37510% 37511Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are 37512ruthless in punishing little thieves. 37513 -- Diogenes 37514% 37515Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs. 37516 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988 37517% 37518Piping down the valleys wild, 37519Piping songs of pleasant glee, 37520On a cloud I saw a child, 37521And he laughing said to me: 37522"Pipe a song about a Lamb!" 37523So I piped with merry cheer. 37524"Piper, pipe that song again;" 37525So I piped: he wept to hear. 37526 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence" 37527% 37528Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped 37529the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician 37530outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot. 37531 -- Love and Rockets 37532% 37533PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 37534 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed 37535 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates 37536 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence 37537 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to 37538 small animals. 37539% 37540PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 37541 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American 37542 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody 37543 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably 37544 get run over by a bus. 37545% 37546PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20) 37547 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. 37548 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the 37549 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have 37550 a car. 37551% 37552Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 37553 -- Don Marquis 37554% 37555Pixel, n.: 37556 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. 37557 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: 37558 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial 37559 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. 37560% 37561P-K4 37562% 37563Plaese porrf raed. 37564 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase 37565% 37566Plagiarize, plagiarize, 37567Let no man's work evade your eyes, 37568Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, 37569Don't shade your eyes, 37570But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize. 37571Only be sure to call it research. 37572 -- Tom Lehrer 37573% 37574Planet Claire has pink hair. 37575All the trees are red. 37576No one ever dies there. 37577No one has a head.... 37578% 37579Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! 37580Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! 37581 -- Green Lantern Comics 37582% 37583Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 37584because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 37585couldn't compete successfully with poets. 37586 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half 37587 Shell" 37588% 37589Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill 37590them. 37591% 37592Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic 37593table. 37594 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 37595% 37596Please don't put a strain on our friendship 37597by asking me to do something for you. 37598% 37599Please don't recommend me to your friends-- 37600it's difficult enough to cope with you alone. 37601% 37602PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! 37603 37604Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, 37605 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. 37606% 37607Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, 37608I sometimes forget which side I'm on. 37609% 37610Please go away. 37611% 37612Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. 37613% 37614Please ignore previous fortune. 37615% 37616Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. 37617% 37618Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! 37619% 37620Please remain calm, it's no use both of 37621us being hysterical at the same time. 37622% 37623Please stand for the National Anthem: 37624 37625 Australian's all, let us rejoice, 37626 For we are young and free. 37627 We've golden soil and wealth for toil 37628 Our home is girt by sea. 37629 Our land abounds in nature's gifts 37630 Of beauty rich and rare. 37631 In history's page, let every stage 37632 Advance Australia Fair. 37633 In joyful strains then let us sing, 37634 Advance Australia Fair. 37635 37636Thank you. You may resume your seat. 37637% 37638Please stand for the National Anthem: 37639 37640 God save our Gracious Queen! 37641 Long live our Noble Queen! 37642 God save the Queen! 37643 Send her victorious, 37644 Happy and glorious, 37645 Long to reign o'er us! 37646 God save the Queen! 37647 37648Thank you. You may resume your seat. 37649% 37650Please stand for the National Anthem: 37651 37652 O Canada 37653 Our home and native land 37654 True patriot love 37655 In all thy sons' command 37656 With glowing hearts we see thee rise 37657 The true north strong and free 37658 From far and wide, O Canada 37659 We stand on guard for thee 37660 God keep our land glorious and free 37661 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 37662 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 37663 37664Thank you. You may resume your seat. 37665% 37666Please stand for the National Anthem: 37667 37668 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light 37669 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? 37670 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight 37671 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? 37672 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, 37673 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. 37674 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave 37675 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? 37676 37677Thank you. You may resume your seat. 37678% 37679Please take note: 37680% 37681Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 37682until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, 37683we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. 37684 -- N. Meyrowitz 37685% 37686Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 37687% 37688PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the 37689solution set. 37690 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 37691% 37692Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're 37693of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain 37694an uncontainable experience. 37695 -- R. S. Knapp 37696% 37697PLUG IT IN!!! 37698% 37699Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. 37700% 37701Pohl's law: 37702 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 37703% 37704Poisoned coffee, n.: 37705 Grounds for divorce. 37706% 37707Poland has gun control. 37708% 37709Police: Good evening, are you the host? 37710Host: No. 37711Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. 37712Host: About the drugs? 37713Police: No. 37714Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? 37715Police: No, the noise. 37716Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns 37717 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the 37718 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? 37719 The neighbors? 37720Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent 37721 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could 37722 ask the host to quiet things down? 37723Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive 37724 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living 37725 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the 37726 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out 37727 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind 37728 down. 37729% 37730Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to 37731teach children. 37732 -- W. H. Auden 37733% 37734Political speeches are like steer horns. A point 37735here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between. 37736 -- Alfred E. Neuman 37737% 37738Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell 37739all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 37740% 37741Politician, n.: 37742 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of 37743 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the 37744 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As 37745 compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of 37746 being alive. 37747 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37748% 37749Politician, n.: 37750 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or 37751 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). 37752 Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. 37753 -- Martin Pitt 37754% 37755Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise 37756to build a bridge even where there is no river. 37757 -- Nikita Khrushchev 37758% 37759Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. 37760 -- Arthur C. Clarke 37761% 37762Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have 37763been, and never will be wrong. 37764 -- Walter Dwight 37765% 37766Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign 37767funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. 37768 -- Oscar Ameringer 37769% 37770Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and 37771without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in 37772for politics. 37773 -- Albert Camus 37774% 37775Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as 37776dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once. 37777 -- Winston Churchill 37778% 37779Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the 37780systematic organisation of hatreds. 37781 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" 37782% 37783Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart 37784enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 37785% 37786Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing 37787between the disastrous and the unpalatable. 37788 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 37789% 37790Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to 37791realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 37792 -- Ronald Reagan 37793% 37794Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next 37795week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to 37796explain why it didn't happen. 37797 -- Winston Churchill 37798% 37799Politics, like religion, hold up the 37800torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. 37801 -- Thomas Jefferson 37802% 37803Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. 37804 -- Amy Gorin 37805% 37806Politics, n.: 37807 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. 37808 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. 37809 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37810% 37811Pollyanna's Educational Constant: 37812 The hyperactive child is never absent. 37813% 37814POLYGON: 37815 Dead parrot. 37816% 37817Polymer physicists are into chains. 37818% 37819Poorman's Rule: 37820 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser 37821 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to 37822 pull it open. 37823% 37824Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 37825Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white 37826smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned 37827on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious 37828possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing 37829 37830 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 37831 Half a pound of treacle 37832 That's the way the chimney smokes 37833 Pope Goestheveezl 37834 37835The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter 37836streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic 37837functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant 37838Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. 37839 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 37840% 37841Populus vult decipi. 37842[The people like to be deceived.] 37843% 37844Porsche; there simply is no substitute. 37845 -- Risky Business 37846% 37847Portable, adj.: 37848 Survives system reboot. 37849% 37850POSITIVE: 37851 Being mistaken at the top of your voice. 37852% 37853Positive, adj.: 37854 Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 37855 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37856% 37857Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. 37858 -- Ryan 37859% 37860Post proelium, praemium. 37861[After the battle, the reward.] 37862% 37863Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. 37864% 37865Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 37866 37867 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's 37868left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world 37869populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to 37870him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable 37871line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!" 37872 37873 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a 37874fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on 37875unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed 37876with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish 37877with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on 37878diets that are driving them crazy. 37879 37880 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same. 37881Except with sour cream. 37882% 37883Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 37884 37885 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day 37886McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth 37887to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly 37888behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..." 37889 37890 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, 37891rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover 37892of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and 37893general butter-melting by all. 37894 37895 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter 37896Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater! 37897% 37898Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. 37899% 37900POVERTY: 37901 An unfortunate state that persists as long 37902 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. 37903% 37904Poverty begins at home. 37905% 37906Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many 37907poor people. 37908 -- Don Herold 37909% 37910Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail. 37911 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 37912% 37913Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 37914 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 37915% 37916Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. 37917% 37918Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely. 37919 -- Vint Cerf 37920% 37921Power is poison. 37922% 37923Power is the finest token of affection. 37924% 37925Power, like a desolating pestilence, 37926Pollutes whate'er it touches... 37927 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley 37928% 37929Power, n.: 37930 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 37931% 37932Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. 37933 -- Lord Acton 37934% 37935PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn. 37936% 37937Practical people would be more practical if 37938they would take a little more time for dreaming. 37939 -- J. P. McEvoy 37940% 37941Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. 37942 -- Henry Adams 37943% 37944Practically perfect people never permit 37945sentiment to muddle their thinking. 37946 -- Mary Poppins 37947% 37948Practice is the best of all instructors. 37949 -- Publilius 37950% 37951Practice yourself what you preach. 37952 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 37953% 37954PRAIRIES: 37955 Vast plains covered by treeless forests. 37956% 37957Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. 37958 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" 37959% 37960Praise the sea; on shore remain. 37961 -- John Florio 37962% 37963Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. 37964 -- Russian Proverb 37965% 37966Pray, v.: 37967 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf 37968 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. 37969 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37970% 37971Predestination was doomed from the start. 37972% 37973Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. 37974 -- Niels Bohr 37975% 37976Prejudice, n.: 37977 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. 37978 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37979% 37980Premature optimization is the root of all evil. 37981 -- Donald E. Knuth 37982% 37983Preserve the old, but know the new. 37984% 37985Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! 37986% 37987Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! 37988% 37989President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic 37990pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 37991% 37992President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% 37993of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 37994 -- The Washington Post 37995% 37996Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 37997% 37998Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 37999 It's on the other side. 38000% 38001Price's Advice: 38002 It's all a game -- play it to have fun. 38003% 38004[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves 38005the working man, he loves to see him work. 38006 -- Winston Churchill 38007% 38008[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the 38009largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. 38010 -- Winston Churchill 38011% 38012Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor 38013For having it off with his Mater; 38014 Revenge Dad or not? 38015 That's the gist of the plot, 38016And he did -- nine soliloquies later. 38017 -- Stanley J. Sharpless 38018% 38019Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle 38020taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for 38021all I know. 38022 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25 38023% 38024Priority: 38025 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often 38026 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't 38027 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less 38028 badly than someone else. 38029% 38030Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion. 38031 -- Blake 38032% 38033Prizes are for children. 38034 -- Charles Ives, 38035 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize 38036% 38037Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 38038% 38039Probable-Possible, my black hen, 38040She lays eggs in the Relative When. 38041She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 38042Because she's unable to postulate How. 38043 -- Frederick Winsor 38044% 38045Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have 38046orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which 38047is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. 38048 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 38049 Teen Should Know" 38050% 38051PROBLEM DRINKER: 38052 A man who never buys. 38053% 38054Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. 38055And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy 38056for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress 38057I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets? 38058 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors 38059% 38060Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data 38061 encryption standard and they came up with ... 38062Student: EBCDIC! 38063% 38064Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. 38065% 38066Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 38067midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. 38068Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average 38069has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. 38070% 38071PROGRAM: 38072 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one 38073 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," 38074 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation 38075 always justifies hiring at least three more people. 38076% 38077Program, n.: 38078 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input 38079 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging 38080 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. 38081% 38082Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live 38083without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. 38084 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 38085% 38086Programming Department: 38087 Mistakes made while you wait. 38088% 38089Programming is an unnatural act. 38090% 38091Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to 38092build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying 38093to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. 38094 -- Rich Cook 38095% 38096PROGRESS: 38097 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons 38098 invading the body and taking possession of it. 38099 38100 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria 38101 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction. 38102% 38103Progress is impossible without change, and those who 38104cannot change their minds cannot change anything. 38105 -- George Bernard Shaw 38106% 38107Progress means replacing a theory that 38108is wrong with one more subtly wrong. 38109% 38110Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. 38111 -- Ogden Nash 38112% 38113Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. 38114 -- James Thurber 38115% 38116Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded. 38117% 38118Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you. 38119% 38120PROMOTION FROM WITHIN: 38121 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making 38122 level where they can't foul up operations. 38123% 38124Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. 38125% 38126Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 38127 38128This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction 38129techniques are very popular, even the military use them. 38130 38131SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 38132 38133 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 38134for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n 38135as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is 38136trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can 38137take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n. 38138 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 38139% 38140Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 38141 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 38142(1) Horses have an even number of legs. 38143(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 38144(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of 38145 legs for a horse. 38146(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 38147(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 38148 38149Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: 38150 Intimidation 38151 Gesticulation (handwaving) 38152 "Try it; it works" 38153 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) 38154 Blatant assertion 38155 Changing all the 2's to _n's 38156 Mutual consent 38157 Lack of a counterexample, and 38158 "It stands to reason" 38159% 38160Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, 38161but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. 38162 -- Darrell Huff 38163% 38164Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 38165 38166BBW Branch Both Ways 38167BEW Branch Either Way 38168BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full 38169BH Branch and Hang 38170BMR Branch Multiple Registers 38171BOB Branch On Bug 38172BPO Branch on Power Off 38173BST Backspace and Stretch Tape 38174CDS Condense and Destroy System 38175CLBR Clobber Register 38176CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately 38177CM Circulate Memory 38178CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming 38179CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip 38180CRN Convert to Roman Numerals 38181% 38182Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 38183 38184DC Divide and Conquer 38185DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key 38186DO Divide and Overflow 38187EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator 38188EPI Execute Programmer Immediately 38189EROS Erase Read Only Storage 38190EXCE Execute Customer Engineer 38191HCF Halt and Catch Fire 38192IBP Insert Bug and Proceed 38193INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) 38194PBC Print and Break Chain 38195PDSK Punch Disk 38196% 38197Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 38198 38199PI Punch Invalid 38200POPI Punch Operator Immediately 38201PVLC Punch Variable Length Card 38202RASC Read And Shred Card 38203RPM Read Programmers Mind 38204RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy) 38205RTAB Rewind Tape and Break 38206RWDSK Rewind Disk 38207RWOC Read Writing On Card 38208SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write 38209SLC Search for Lost Chord 38210SPSW Scramble Program Status Word 38211SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk 38212STROM Store in Read Only Memory 38213TDB Transfer and Drop Bit 38214WBT Water Binary Tree 38215% 38216Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. 38217 -- Publilius Syrus 38218% 38219Prototype designs always work. 38220 -- Don Vonada 38221% 38222prototype, n. 38223 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by 38224 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, 38225 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the 38226 prototype is not expected to work. 38227% 38228Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller 38229than the both put together. 38230% 38231Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities 38232where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf. 38233% 38234Prunes give you a run for your money. 38235% 38236Pryor's Observation: 38237 How long you live has nothing to do 38238 with how long you are going to be dead. 38239% 38240PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum 38241daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor 38242or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic 38243junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast. 38244 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig 38245% 38246Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check 38247three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 38248% 38249Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' 38250shortcomings. 38251 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" 38252% 38253Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body. 38254% 38255Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself 38256a therapy. 38257 -- Karl Kraus 38258 38259Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. 38260 38261Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. 38262 -- Carl G. Jung 38263% 38264Psychologist, n.: 38265 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks 38266 into a room. 38267% 38268Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. 38269Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. 38270Biologists think they're biochemists. 38271Biochemists think they're chemists. 38272Chemists think they're physical chemists. 38273Physical chemists think they're physicists. 38274Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. 38275Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. 38276Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. 38277Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. 38278Philosophers think they're gods. 38279% 38280Psychology. Mind over matter. 38281Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. 38282Never mind. 38283% 38284Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well 38285anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. 38286 -- H. L. Mencken 38287% 38288Public use of any portable music system is a 38289virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. 38290 -- Zoso 38291% 38292Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping 38293a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. 38294% 38295Pudder's Law: 38296 Anything that begins well will end badly. 38297 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.) 38298% 38299Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. 38300% 38301Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves 38302to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way 38303to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the 38304cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in 38305fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a 38306lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of 38307the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. 38308 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 38309% 38310Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen. 38311% 38312PURGE COMPLETE. 38313% 38314PURITAN: 38315 Someone who is deathly afraid that 38316 someone, somewhere, is having fun. 38317% 38318Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. 38319 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques" 38320% 38321Purpitation, v.: 38322 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you 38323 don't want it, and then put it in another section. 38324 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 38325% 38326Pushing 30 is exercise enough. 38327% 38328Pushing 40 is exercise enough. 38329% 38330Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. 38331Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. 38332Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. 38333 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor 38334 of Texas. 38335% 38336Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. 38337 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 38338% 38339Put another password in, 38340Bomb it out, then try again. 38341Try to get past logging in, 38342We're hacking, hacking, hacking. 38343 38344Try his first wife's maiden name, 38345This is more than just a game. 38346It's real fun, but just the same, 38347It's hacking, hacking, hacking. 38348% 38349Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea! 38350% 38351Put no trust in cryptic comments. 38352% 38353Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. 38354% 38355Put your best foot forward. 38356Or just call in and say you're sick. 38357% 38358Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. 38359% 38360Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 38361 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 38362% 38363Put your trust in those who are worthy. 38364% 38365Putt's Law: 38366 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 38367 Those who understand what they do not manage. 38368 Those who manage what they do not understand. 38369% 38370Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! 38371% 38372Q: Are we not men? 38373A: We are Vaxen. 38374% 38375Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 38376A: One per person. 38377% 38378Q: Do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been 38379 abandoned? ... 38380A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by 38381 Perl. 38382 -- Rob Pike 38383% 38384Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism? 38385A: He got re-possessed! 38386% 38387Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? 38388A: With three more bullets. 38389% 38390Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with 38391 your wife? 38392A: You have to wait 22 months. 38393% 38394Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back 38395 in a hurricane? 38396A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind. 38397% 38398Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? 38399A: When his lips move. 38400% 38401Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree? 38402A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring. 38403 38404Q: But how did he get back down? 38405A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. 38406% 38407Q: How did the regular expression cross the road? 38408A: ^.*$ 38409% 38410Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? 38411A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. 38412% 38413Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? 38414A: Unique up on it! 38415 38416Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? 38417A: The tame way! 38418% 38419Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? 38420% 38421Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? 38422A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local". 38423% 38424Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont? 38425A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. 38426% 38427Q: How do you make an elephant float? 38428A: You get two scoops of elephant and some root beer... 38429% 38430Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? 38431A: Throw him a rock. 38432% 38433Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? 38434A: With a blue-elephant gun. 38435 38436Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? 38437A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with 38438 a blue-elephant gun. 38439% 38440Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? 38441A: Take away his credit cards. 38442% 38443Q: How does a hacker fix a function which 38444 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? 38445A: He changes the domain. 38446% 38447Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches? 38448A: She asks them for a commitment. 38449% 38450Q: How does a WASP propose marriage? 38451A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?" 38452% 38453Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? 38454A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment 38455 of license fee (binary only). 38456% 38457Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? 38458A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being 38459 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. 38460% 38461Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 38462A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the 38463 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in 38464 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) 38465 38466Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 38467A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all 38468 those Californians trying to share the experience. 38469% 38470Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 38471A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. 38472% 38473Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? 38474A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 38475 38476Q: How long does it take? 38477A: It's indeterminate. 38478 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. 38479 38480Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 38481A: They replace your generator. 38482% 38483Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke? 38484A: One more than you can find. 38485% 38486Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? 38487A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. 38488 38489Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? 38490A: There's a footprint in the mayo. 38491 38492Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? 38493A: There's two footprints in the mayo. 38494 38495Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? 38496A: The door won't shut. 38497 38498Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? 38499A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. 38500% 38501Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 38502A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb 38503 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective 38504 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a 38505 maudlin cosmos of nothingness. 38506% 38507Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 38508A: None. We'll fix it in software. 38509 38510Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 38511A: None. The application can work around it. 38512 38513Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 38514A: None. We'll document it in the manual. 38515 38516Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 38517A: None. The user can figure it out. 38518% 38519Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 38520A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. 38521% 38522Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job? 38523A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 38524% 38525Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? 38526A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 38527% 38528Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 38529A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number 38530 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, 38531 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally 38532 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... 38533 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 38534% 38535Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 38536A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 38537 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot 38538 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for 38539 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break 38540 the bulb in the first place. 38541% 38542Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 38543A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. 38544% 38545Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 38546A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", 38547 and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", 38548 do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the 38549 party of the second part shall be removed from the current 38550 position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed 38551 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise 38552 illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, 38553 through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the 38554 primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, 38555 any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of 38556 the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement 38557 between the parties. 38558 38559 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not 38560 be limited to, the following. The party of the first part 38561 shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a 38562 chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp 38563 the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second 38564 part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered 38565 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the 38566 second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the 38567 party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of 38568 the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all 38569 relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. 38570 38571 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of 38572 the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. 38573 Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with 38574 the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this 38575 self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation 38576 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being 38577 non-negotiable. 38578 38579 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of 38580 the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized 38581 by him, the objective being to produce the most possible 38582 revenue for the Partnership. 38583% 38584Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 38585A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if 38586 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... 38587% 38588Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? 38589A: I'll have to get back to you on that. 38590% 38591Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 38592A: One and a half. 38593% 38594Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 38595A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. 38596% 38597Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 38598A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 38599 to the earlier joke. 38600% 38601Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a 38602 light bulb? 38603A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in 38604 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send 38605 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim 38606 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking 38607 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains 38608 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at 38609 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb 38610 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. 38611 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers 38612 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly 38613 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. 38614 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, 38615 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must 38616 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon 38617 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have 38618 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been 38619 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted 38620 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. 38621% 38622Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light 38623 bulb? 38624A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the 38625 witness. 38626% 38627Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb? 38628A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder 38629 out from under him. 38630% 38631Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? 38632A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has 38633 to really want to change. 38634% 38635Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 38636A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven 38637 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. 38638 38639 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for 38640 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's 38641 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] 38642% 38643Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 38644A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub 38645 with brightly colored machine tools. 38646 38647 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] 38648% 38649Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb? 38650A: One. 38651% 38652Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 38653A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out 38654 of the way. 38655% 38656Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? 38657A: 2 bits. 38658% 38659Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 38660A: 9 edge down. 38661% 38662Q: Know what the difference between your latest project 38663 and putting wings on an elephant is? 38664A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... 38665% 38666Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" 38667A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little 38668 bottles into the typewriter. 38669% 38670Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. 38671 What should I do? 38672A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 38673 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably 38674 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. 38675 No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if 38676 somebody else has made the correction. 38677 38678 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're 38679 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have 38680 to inform the whole net right away! 38681 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions 38682 on Netiquette" 38683% 38684Q: What did one regular expression say to the other? 38685A: .+ 38686% 38687Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? 38688A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." 38689 38690Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing 38691 sunglasses? 38692A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. 38693% 38694Q: What did the regular expression match? 38695A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match" 38696% 38697Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? 38698A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until 38699 they go down on you. 38700 38701Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? 38702A: You can park in the handicapped zone. 38703 38704Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw 38705 puzzle in only 6 months? 38706A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". 38707% 38708Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? 38709A: The very best person they can possibly be. 38710% 38711Q: What do monsters eat? 38712A: Things. 38713 38714Q: What do monsters drink? 38715A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) 38716% 38717Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? 38718A: The impossible dream. 38719% 38720Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love? 38721A: Rule the country. 38722% 38723Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? 38724A: The same middle name. 38725% 38726Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? 38727A: A dope ring. 38728 38729Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? 38730A: To cover up the valve stem. 38731% 38732Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? 38733A: Diyathinkhesaurus. 38734 38735Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? 38736A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. 38737% 38738Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? 38739A: A stick. 38740% 38741Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes? 38742A: An interpreter. 38743 38744Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? 38745A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box. 38746 38747Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row? 38748A: A wind tunnel. 38749% 38750Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? 38751A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway. 38752 38753 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette. 38754 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.] 38755% 38756Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola, 38757 eating fruit, and singing? 38758A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir. 38759% 38760Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? 38761A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). 38762% 38763Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan? 38764A: A good start. 38765% 38766Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C 38767 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? 38768A: A deep C diva. 38769% 38770Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? 38771A: A Christian Science Monitor. 38772% 38773Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a 38774 lawyer, and believes in social causes? 38775A: A failure. 38776% 38777Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when 38778 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? 38779A: A howdah duty. 38780% 38781Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female 38782 sheep bites you? 38783A: Ewe nicks. 38784% 38785Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international 38786 standard? 38787A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! 38788% 38789Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? 38790A: An offer you can't understand. 38791% 38792Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole? 38793A: Hot cross bunnies! 38794% 38795Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? 38796A: Not enough sand. 38797% 38798Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? 38799A: She goes home. 38800 38801Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? 38802A: To keep her neck warm. 38803 38804Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? 38805A: Tell her a joke on Friday. 38806% 38807Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? 38808A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by 38809 a delicious dessert. 38810% 38811Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? 38812A: Open other end. 38813% 38814Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah! 38815A: Exploding sheep. 38816% 38817Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? 38818A: A dinner party. 38819% 38820Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? 38821A: Moby Pickle. 38822% 38823Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of? 38824A: Feet. 38825% 38826Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" 38827A: A ball point carrot. 38828% 38829Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? 38830A: Open other end. 38831% 38832Q: What is purple and commutes? 38833A: A boolean grape. 38834% 38835Q: What is purple and commutes? 38836A: An Abelian grape. 38837% 38838Q: What is purple and concord the world? 38839A: Alexander the Grape. 38840% 38841Q: What is the difference between a duck? 38842A: One leg is both the same. 38843% 38844Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? 38845A: Yogurt has culture. 38846% 38847Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off? 38848A: Her bowling shoes. 38849% 38850Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? 38851A: I think I'm drunk. 38852 38853Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde? 38854A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk! 38855 38856Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? 38857A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 38858% 38859Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? 38860A: Mu. 38861% 38862Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 38863A: A nervous wreck. 38864% 38865Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and 38866 plays like a monkey? 38867A: Nothing. 38868% 38869Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas? 38870A: [^L] 38871% 38872Q: What's a light-year? 38873A: One-third less calories than a regular year. 38874% 38875Q: What's black and white and red all over? 38876A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. 38877% 38878Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch? 38879A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes. 38880% 38881Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? 38882A: A Doberman. 38883% 38884Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? 38885A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well.. 38886 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea... 38887 38888Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? 38889A: Artificial intelligence. 38890 38891Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? 38892A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 38893% 38894Q: What's the capital of Canada? 38895A: American. 38896% 38897Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead 38898 lawyer in the road? 38899A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. 38900% 38901Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? 38902A: You can't get down off an elephant. 38903% 38904Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? 38905A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. 38906% 38907Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale? 38908A: The moustache. 38909% 38910Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? 38911A: One more drunk. 38912% 38913Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? 38914A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 38915% 38916Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? 38917A: Yogurt has a living, active culture. 38918% 38919Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin? 38920A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. 38921% 38922Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? 38923A: The Titanic had a band. 38924% 38925Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? 38926A: A canary with the super-user password. 38927% 38928Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? 38929A: Zorn's Lemon. 38930% 38931Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? 38932A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! 38933 38934Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? 38935A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... 38936% 38937Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? 38938A: Lawn Boy. 38939% 38940Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive? 38941A: Because they're worth it! 38942% 38943Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? 38944A: Because he was hungry. 38945% 38946Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? 38947A: To see what was on the other side. 38948 38949Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? 38950A: More head room. 38951 38952Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex? 38953A: She opens the car door. 38954% 38955Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 38956A: He was giving it last rites. 38957% 38958Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 38959A: To see his friend Gregory peck. 38960 38961Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? 38962A: To get to the other slide. 38963% 38964Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? 38965A: To get to the other slide. 38966% 38967Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? 38968A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means. 38969% 38970Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? 38971A: Because he left a residue at every pole. 38972% 38973Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? 38974A: Because that was her name. 38975% 38976Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? 38977A: Because it was on the other side. 38978% 38979Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? 38980A: To get to the middle. 38981% 38982Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? 38983A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. 38984% 38985Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 38986A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 38987% 38988Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? 38989A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? 38990 Oh, right, *of course*! 38991% 38992Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? 38993A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps 38994 an eye on the two intellectuals. 38995% 38996Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and 38997 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? 38998A: God gave New Jersey first choice. 38999% 39000Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? 39001A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars. 39002 39003Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? 39004A: To keep their ankles warm. 39005 39006Q: How do you kill a blonde? 39007A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads. 39008% 39009Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? 39010A: The cats keep trying to bury them. 39011% 39012Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? 39013A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink 39014 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while 39015 visiting, they always take three. 39016% 39017Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? 39018A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit 39019 gets all the credit. 39020% 39021Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation 39022 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? 39023A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. 39024% 39025Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? 39026A: It takes too long to retrain them. 39027 39028Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? 39029A: All the blondes have gone home! 39030 39031Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? 39032A: There's white-out on the screen. 39033% 39034Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man 39035 soup in a plate? 39036A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. 39037% 39038Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? 39039A: It wasn't IBM compatible. 39040% 39041QED. 39042% 39043QOTD: 39044 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." 39045% 39046QOTD: 39047 "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute 39048 an emergency on my part." 39049% 39050QOTD: 39051 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." 39052% 39053QOTD: 39054 "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get." 39055% 39056QOTD: 39057 "All I want is more than my fair share." 39058% 39059QOTD: 39060 "Dead people are good at running because they don't 39061 have to stop and breathe." 39062 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead" 39063% 39064QOTD: 39065 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone." 39066% 39067QOTD: 39068 "East is east... and let's keep it that way." 39069% 39070QOTD: 39071 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, 39072 I go to work." 39073% 39074QOTD: 39075 "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now 39076 too late to punish." 39077% 39078QOTD: 39079 "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to 39080 save the earth!" 39081% 39082QOTD: 39083 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day." 39084% 39085QOTD: 39086 "Her other car is a broom." 39087% 39088QOTD: 39089 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect 39090 her to cook." 39091% 39092QOTD: 39093 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom." 39094% 39095QOTD: 39096 "How can I miss you if you won't go away?" 39097% 39098QOTD: 39099 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent." 39100% 39101QOTD: 39102 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." 39103% 39104QOTD: 39105 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the 39106other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." 39107% 39108QOTD: 39109 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying." 39110% 39111QOTD: 39112 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." 39113% 39114QOTD: 39115 "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, 39116 then I thought `One of us is in real trouble.'" 39117 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash 39118% 39119QOTD: 39120 "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?" 39121% 39122QOTD: 39123 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position." 39124% 39125QOTD: 39126 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" 39127% 39128QOTD: 39129 "I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the 39130 ball in their court." 39131 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs) 39132% 39133QOTD: 39134 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it 39135 didn't work." 39136% 39137QOTD: 39138 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a 39139 horse with one of the horns broken off." 39140% 39141QOTD: 39142 "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!" 39143% 39144QOTD: 39145 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return 39146 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower." 39147% 39148QOTD: 39149 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality." 39150% 39151QOTD: 39152 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with 39153 the lost." 39154% 39155QOTD: 39156 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." 39157% 39158QOTD: 39159 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job." 39160% 39161QOTD: 39162 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." 39163% 39164QOTD: 39165 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." 39166 -- Kathy Ireland 39167% 39168QOTD: 39169 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the 39170 dog for dinner." 39171% 39172QOTD: 39173 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play 39174 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her." 39175% 39176QOTD: 39177 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything." 39178% 39179QOTD: 39180 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave." 39181% 39182QOTD: 39183 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie." 39184% 39185QOTD: 39186 "If it's too loud, you're too old." 39187% 39188QOTD: 39189 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it." 39190% 39191QOTD: 39192 "If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection." 39193% 39194QOTD: 39195 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." 39196% 39197QOTD: 39198 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..." 39199% 39200QOTD: 39201 "I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged.'" 39202% 39203QOTD: 39204 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". 39205 39206 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.] 39207% 39208QOTD: 39209 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..." 39210% 39211QOTD: 39212 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it." 39213% 39214QOTD: 39215 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department." 39216% 39217QOTD: 39218 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many 39219 stations anymore." 39220% 39221QOTD: 39222 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his 39223 hands in his own pockets." 39224% 39225QOTD: 39226 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." 39227% 39228QOTD: 39229 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." 39230% 39231QOTD: 39232 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." 39233% 39234QOTD: 39235 "It's been Monday all week today." 39236% 39237QOTD: 39238 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun." 39239% 39240QOTD: 39241 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if 39242 the ace is missing from his deck altogether." 39243% 39244QOTD: 39245 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 39246% 39247QOTD: 39248 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope." 39249% 39250QOTD: 39251 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at 39252 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective." 39253% 39254QOTD: 39255 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on 39256 strike. To make less money." 39257% 39258QOTD: 39259 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back 39260 all of my stuff." 39261% 39262QOTD: 39263 "I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one." 39264% 39265QOTD: 39266 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing 39267 trivial." 39268% 39269QOTD: 39270 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" 39271% 39272QOTD: 39273 "Let's do it." 39274 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad 39275% 39276QOTD: 39277 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die." 39278% 39279QOTD: 39280 "Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical 39281 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying 39282 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn." 39283 -- Goodstein, States of Matter 39284% 39285QOTD: 39286 "Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch." 39287% 39288QOTD: 39289 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let 39290 her husband work." 39291% 39292QOTD: 39293 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?" 39294% 39295QOTD: 39296 "My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips." 39297% 39298QOTD: 39299 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." 39300% 39301QOTD: 39302 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with 39303 a fake?" 39304% 39305QOTD: 39306 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy." 39307% 39308QOTD: 39309 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty." 39310% 39311QOTD: 39312 "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there." 39313% 39314QOTD: 39315 "Our parents were never our age." 39316% 39317QOTD: 39318 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies." 39319% 39320QOTD: 39321 "Sacred cows make great hamburgers." 39322% 39323QOTD: 39324 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis 39325 shoes on you and run you into the wall?" 39326% 39327QOTD: 39328 "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing." 39329% 39330QOTD: 39331 "She's about as smart as bait." 39332% 39333QOTD: 39334 "Silence is the only virtue he has left." 39335% 39336QOTD: 39337 "Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives." 39338% 39339QOTD: 39340 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question." 39341% 39342QOTD: 39343 "Talent does what it can, genius what it must. 39344 I do what I get paid to do." 39345% 39346QOTD: 39347 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its 39348 neck to get the dog to play with it." 39349% 39350QOTD: 39351 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." 39352% 39353QOTD: 39354 "The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean 39355 the snakes have gone away." 39356% 39357QOTD: 39358 "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the 39359 gerbil has more dark meat." 39360% 39361QOTD: 39362 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking." 39363% 39364QOTD: 39365 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the 39366 left." 39367% 39368QOTD: 39369 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!" 39370% 39371QOTD: 39372 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween." 39373% 39374QOTD: 39375 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you 39376 think he was broken!" 39377% 39378QOTD: 39379 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding 39380 when I mess things up." 39381% 39382QOTD: 39383 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call 39384 "baring your neck." 39385% 39386QOTD: 39387 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs." 39388% 39389QOTD: 39390 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?" 39391% 39392QOTD: 39393 "Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? 39394 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great..." 39395% 39396QOTD: 39397 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? 39398 How... tribal." 39399% 39400QOTD: 39401 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth." 39402% 39403Quack! 39404 Quack!! Quack!! 39405% 39406Quality control: 39407 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand 39408 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design. 39409% 39410Quality Control, n.: 39411 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off 39412a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 39413% 39414Quantity is no substitute for quality, 39415but its the only one we've got. 39416% 39417Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces! 39418 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party 39419% 39420Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me." 39421% 39422QUARK: 39423 The sound made by a well bred duck. 39424% 39425Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck! 39426% 39427question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; 39428 -- William Shakespeare 39429% 39430QUESTION AUTHORITY. 39431 39432(Sez who?) 39433% 39434Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until 39435they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them? 39436% 39437Questionable day. 39438Ask somebody something. 39439% 39440Question: 39441Man Invented Alcohol, 39442God Invented Grass. 39443Who do you trust? 39444% 39445Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. 39446 -- Oscar Wilde 39447% 39448Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 39449% 39450Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! 39451% 39452Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. 39453 39454(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 39455% 39456Quigley's Law: 39457 Whoever has any authority over you, 39458 no matter how small, will attempt to use it. 39459% 39460Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. 39461 -- Robert Orben 39462% 39463Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. 39464After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. 39465% 39466QUOTE OF THE DAY: 39467 39468 ` 39469 39470% 39471Qvid me anxivs svm? 39472% 39473Radicalism: 39474 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today. 39475 -- Ambrose Bierce 39476% 39477RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC 39478READY 39479>_ 39480% 39481Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 39482% 39483Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. 39484 -- Albert Einstein 39485% 39486rain falls where clouds come 39487sun shines where clouds go 39488clouds just come and go 39489 -- Florian Gutzwiller 39490% 39491Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. 39492% 39493Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. 39494% 39495Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. 39496% 39497Ralph's Observation: 39498It is a mistake to let any mechanical object 39499realise that you are in a hurry. 39500% 39501RAM wasn't built in a day. 39502% 39503Random, n.: 39504 as in number, predictable. 39505 as in memory access, unpredictable. 39506% 39507Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. 39508% 39509Rascal, am I? Take THAT! 39510 -- Errol Flynn 39511% 39512Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) 39513 39514Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? 39515Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? 39516Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? 39517Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? 39518Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? 39519Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen 39520 or so pencils from marking the cloth? 39521Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? 39522Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do? 39523Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? 39524Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? 39525 395260-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. 395273-5 -- There is hope for you yet. 395286-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. 395298-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. 3953011+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? 39531% 39532Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I 39533saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer 39534magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it 39535bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won 39536secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul 39537when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault 39538insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long 39539before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the 39540A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical 39541engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? 39542 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president 39543% 39544Ray's Rule of Precision: 39545 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 39546% 39547Razors pain you; 39548Rivers are damp; 39549Acids stain you; 39550And drugs cause cramp. 39551Guns aren't lawful; 39552Nooses give; 39553Gas smells awful; 39554You might as well live. 39555 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 39556% 39557Re: Graphics: 39558 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 39559 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately 39560 described with pictures. 39561% 39562Reach into the thoughts of friends, 39563And find they do not know your name. 39564Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, 39565And watch the feathers burst the seams. 39566Touch the stained glass with your cheek, 39567And feel its chill upon your blood. 39568Hold a candle to the night, 39569And see the darkness bend the flame. 39570Tear the mask of peace from God, 39571And hear the roar of souls in hell. 39572Pluck a rose in name of love, 39573And watch the petals curl and wilt. 39574Lean upon the western wind, 39575And know you are alone. 39576 -- Dru Mims 39577% 39578Reactor error - core dumped! 39579% 39580Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of 39581Congress. But I repeat myself. 39582 -- Mark Twain 39583% 39584Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. 39585% 39586Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. 39587% 39588Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic 39589value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is 39590much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice 39591this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 39592% 39593Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has 39594limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are 39595so poor at I/O. 39596% 39597Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are 39598so long they can't afford the disk space. 39599% 39600Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write 39601in anything less portable than a number two pencil. 39602% 39603Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with 39604`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count 39605(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). 39606% 39607Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how 39608could they read their mail? 39609% 39610Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on 39611future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens 39612will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 39613% 39614Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured 39615programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- 39616trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise 39617clear desks. 39618% 39619Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine 39620doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell 39621quiche. 39622% 39623Real programmers don't document; if it was 39624hard to write, it should be hard to understand. 39625% 39626Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 39627illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much 39628good it did them. 39629% 39630Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 39631you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 39632wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 39633spring up in the middle of the machine room. 39634% 39635Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write 39636in BASIC after reaching puberty. 39637% 39638Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress 39639freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who 39640wear white socks. 39641% 39642Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for 39643programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 39644% 39645Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 39646% 39647Real programs don't eat cache. 39648% 39649Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they 39650use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 39651% 39652Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. 39653This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a 39654computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. 39655% 39656Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and 39657greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any 39658moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that 39659systems could be virtual at *_a_l_l* levels. They would like personal 39660computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your 39661DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their 39662Correctness Verification Aid packages. 39663% 39664Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the 39665job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like 39666using an undocumented external procedure. 39667% 39668Real Time, adj.: 39669 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there 39670 and then. 39671% 39672Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never 39673afraid to break your face. 39674% 39675Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts 39676down the system for days. 39677% 39678Real Users hate Real Programmers. 39679% 39680Real Users know your home telephone number. 39681% 39682Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your 39683program doesn't deliver it. 39684% 39685Real Users never use the Help key. 39686% 39687Real wealth can only increase. 39688 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 39689% 39690Real World, The n.: 39691 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may 39692be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 39693programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related 39694to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and 39695tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 396964. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. 39697"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used 39698pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking 39699of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a 39700deceased person. 39701% 39702Reality -- what a concept! 39703 -- Robin Williams 39704% 39705Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. 39706% 39707Reality does not exist - yet. 39708% 39709Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 39710% 39711Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? 39712 -- Patrick Sky 39713% 39714Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. 39715 -- Lily Tomlin 39716% 39717Reality is for people who lack imagination. 39718% 39719Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. 39720 -- Alvy Ray Smith 39721% 39722Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. 39723% 39724Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. 39725 -- Lily Tomlin 39726% 39727Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go 39728away. 39729 -- Philip K. Dick 39730% 39731Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature 39732cannot be fooled. 39733 -- R. P. Feynman 39734% 39735Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! 39736% 39737Reappraisal, n.: 39738 An abrupt change of mind after being found out. 39739% 39740Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. 39741 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 39742% 39743Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than 39744being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 39745 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 39746% 39747Recent investments will yield a slight profit. 39748% 39749Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man 39750is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. 39751 -- C. N. Parkinson 39752% 39753Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after 39754his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. 39755"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the 39756microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the 39757bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie 39758Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." 39759Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: 39760"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!" 39761 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller 39762% 39763Reception area, n.: 39764 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend 39765 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade 39766 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, 39767 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- 39768 Cosmopolitan. 39769% 39770Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 39771lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 39772but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 39773Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. 39774% 39775Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: 39776 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit 39777 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of 39778 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) 39779 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the 39780 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) 39781 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. 39782 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of 39783 Qualactin Hypermint extract. 39784 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. 39785 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. 39786 (8) Add an olive. 39787 (9) Drink... but... very carefully... 39788 -- Douglas Adams 39789% 39790Reclaimer, spare that tree! 39791Take not a single bit! 39792It used to point to me, 39793Now I'm protecting it. 39794It was the reader's CONS 39795That made it, paired by dot; 39796Now, GC, for the nonce, 39797Thou shalt reclaim it not. 39798% 39799Recursion is the root of computation 39800since it trades description for time. 39801% 39802Recursion: n. See Recursion. 39803 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 39804% 39805Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, 39806administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. 39807% 39808Regnant populi. 39809% 39810Regression analysis: 39811 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are 39812 getting worse. 39813% 39814Reichel's Law: 39815 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by 39816 an outside force. 39817% 39818Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. 39819 -- Thomas Berger 39820% 39821Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 39822 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 39823% 39824Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest 39825knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. 39826 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" 39827% 39828...relaxed in the manner of a man who 39829has no need to put up a front of any kind. 39830 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy" 39831% 39832Reliable source, n.: 39833 The guy you just met. 39834% 39835Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 39836 -- Anatole France 39837% 39838Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. 39839% 39840Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. 39841 -- Napoleon 39842% 39843Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. 39844% 39845Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our 39846extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. 39847 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic 39848 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 39849% 39850Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used 39851it. 39852 -- Dave Barry 39853% 39854Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. 39855% 39856Remember Darwin; building a better 39857mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. 39858% 39859Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled 39860with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two 39861deserts. 39862 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59 39863% 39864Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good 39865offense! 39866% 39867Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. 39868% 39869Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH. 39870 -- Jim Samuels 39871% 39872Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't 39873have an established user base. 39874% 39875Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over 39876the first one. 39877 -- Confusion 39878% 39879Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's 39880*not* the U.S. Army doing it! 39881 -- "Good Morning, Vietnam" 39882% 39883Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure 39884that you're the one holding it. 39885 -- Mr. Greenfatigues 39886% 39887Remember, no matter where you go, there you are. 39888 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller) 39889 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai 39890 Across The Eighth Dimension" 39891% 39892Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 39893 -- Dave Butler 39894% 39895Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when 39896you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. 39897 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 39898% 39899Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. 39900 -- Hans Liepmann 39901% 39902Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be 39903worse in Cleveland. 39904 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 39905% 39906Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? 39907% 39908Remember the... the... uhh..... 39909% 39910Remember thee 39911Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat 39912In this distracted globe. Remember thee! 39913Yea, from the table of my memory 39914I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, 39915All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, 39916That youth and observation copied there. 39917 -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet" 39918% 39919Remember to say hello to your bank teller. 39920% 39921Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 39922 -- Mt. 39923% 39924Remember: use logout to logout. 39925% 39926Remembering is for those who have forgotten. 39927 -- Chinese proverb 39928% 39929Remove me from this land of slaves, 39930Where all are fools, and all are knaves, 39931Where every knave and fool is bought, 39932Yet kindly sells himself for nought; 39933 -- Jonathan Swift 39934% 39935Removing the straw that broke the camel's back 39936does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. 39937% 39938Renning's Maxim: 39939 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 39940% 39941Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. 39942 -- Mark Twain 39943% 39944Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. 39945 -- Indiana University football cheer 39946% 39947Reply hazy, ask again later. 39948% 39949Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" 39950Yogi Berra: "Closed." 39951% 39952Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" 39953Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." 39954% 39955Reporter, n.: 39956 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a 39957 tempest of words. 39958 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39959% 39960REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? 39961 39962SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that 39963the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can 39964carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." 39965I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind 39966of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to 39967do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of 39968ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we 39969need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political 39970career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but 39971that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I 39972can't help it. 39973 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 39974% 39975Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): 39976 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? 39977Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 39978% 39979Reputation, adj.: 39980 What others are not thinking about you. 39981% 39982Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works 39983you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either, 39984so you're still a valiant nerd. 39985% 39986Research is to see what everybody else has seen, 39987and think what nobody else has thought. 39988% 39989Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 39990 -- Wernher von Braun 39991% 39992Research, n.: 39993 Consider Columbus: 39994 He didn't know where he was going. 39995 When he got there he didn't know where he was. 39996 When he got back he didn't know where he had been. 39997 And he did it all on someone else's money. 39998% 39999Resisting temptation is easier when you 40000think you'll probably get another chance later on. 40001% 40002Responsibility: 40003 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is 40004a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something 40005goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it 40006is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is. 40007 -- Cerebus, "On Governing" 40008% 40009Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you 40010actually have a shot at it. 40011% 40012Reunite Gondwanaland! 40013% 40014Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? 40015Bobby: Slow down. 40016Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean? 40017Bobby: Slow down. 40018Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light.... 40019% 40020Revenge is a form of nostalgia. 40021% 40022Revenge is a meal best served cold. 40023% 40024Review Questions 40025 400261: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 40027 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 40028 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 40029 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 40030 400312: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 40032 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 40033 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 40034 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 40035 400363: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 40037 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in 40038 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 40039 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 40040% 40041Revolution, n.: 40042 A form of government abroad. 40043% 40044Revolution, n.: 40045 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. 40046 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 40047% 40048Revolutionary, adj.: 40049 Repackaged. 40050% 40051Rhode's Law: 40052 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, 40053 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or 40054 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, 40055 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose 40056 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or 40057 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the 40058 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and 40059 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, 40060 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to 40061 assume otherwise, maybe. 40062% 40063Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men 40064should be happier than others. 40065 -- Oscar Wilde 40066% 40067Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. 40068He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, 40069lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the 40070world. 40071 -- Barry Goldwater 40072% 40073Riches cover a multitude of woes. 40074 -- Menander 40075% 40076Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?" 40077Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is 40078 going on here." 40079Croupier (handing money to Renault): 40080 "Your winnings, sir." 40081Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." 40082 -- "Casablanca" (1942) 40083% 40084Riffle West Virginia is so small that the 40085Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. 40086% 40087Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. 40088 -- Steven Wright 40089% 40090"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither 40091machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not 40092rights, which they use or do not use. 40093 -- Lazarus Long 40094% 40095Ring around the collar. 40096% 40097Ritchie's Rule: 40098 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. 40099 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. 40100 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost. 40101% 40102Robot, n.: 40103 Someone who's been made by a scientist. 40104% 40105Robot, n.: 40106 University administrator. 40107% 40108Robustness, adj.: 40109 Never having to say you're sorry. 40110% 40111Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 40112 Unless the results are known in advance, 40113 funding agencies will reject the proposal. 40114% 40115Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to 40116become necessary. 40117 -- Edgar Friedenberg 40118% 40119Rome was not built in one day. 40120 -- John Heywood 40121% 40122Rome wasn't burnt in a day. 40123% 40124ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 40125MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- 40126 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 40127% 40128Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, 40129He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still, 40130Juliet was waiting with a safety net, 40131Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet". 40132 -- Elvis Costello 40133% 40134Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. 40135 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With 40136 Pogo" 40137% 40138Roses are red; 40139 Violets are blue. 40140I'm schizophrenic, 40141 And so am I. 40142% 40143Rotten wood cannot be carved. 40144 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9 40145% 40146Round Numbers are always false. 40147 -- Samuel Johnson 40148% 40149Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream... 40150% 40151Rubber bands have snappy endings! 40152% 40153Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" 40154Yogi Berra: "You mean now?" 40155% 40156Rudd's Discovery: 40157 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make 40158 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can 40159 stay in Washington and make it there. 40160% 40161Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength. 40162% 40163Rudin's Law: 40164 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will 40165 do it every time. 40166 40167Rudin's Second Law: 40168 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative 40169 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible 40170 course. 40171% 40172Rugby, n.: 40173 Elegant violence. 40174 40175 (Rugby players eat their dead.) 40176 (Blood makes the grass grow!) 40177 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!) 40178 40179 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.] 40180% 40181RUGGED: 40182 Too heavy to lift. 40183% 40184Rule #1: 40185 The Boss is always right. 40186 40187Rule #2: 40188 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1. 40189% 40190Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: 40191 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall 40192be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person 40193shall be deemed to be a cat. 40194% 40195Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. 40196 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is 40197not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may 40198sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they 40199regain their composure. 40200% 40201Rule of Creative Research: 40202 1) Never draw what you can copy. 40203 2) Never copy what you can trace. 40204 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 40205% 40206Rule of Defactualization: 40207 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 40208% 40209Rule of Feline Frustration: 40210 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 40211 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the 40212 bathroom. 40213% 40214Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. 40215% 40216Rule of the Great: 40217 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 40218 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 40219% 40220Rule the Empire through force. 40221 -- Shogun Tokugawa 40222% 40223Rules: 40224 (1) The boss is always right. 40225 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. 40226% 40227Rules for Academic Deans: 40228 (1) HIDE!!!! 40229 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! 40230 -- Father Damian C. Fandal 40231% 40232Rules for driving in New York: 40233 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 40234 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. 40235 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 40236 intersection. 40237% 40238Rules for Good Grammar #4. 40239 1: Don't use no double negatives. 40240 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. 40241 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 40242 4: About them sentence fragments. 40243 5: When dangling, watch your participles. 40244 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. 40245 7: Just between you and i, case is important. 40246 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. 40247 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. 4024810: Try to not ever split infinitives. 4024911: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. 4025012: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. 4025113: Correct speling is essential. 4025214: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. 4025315: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally 40254 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not 40255 become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. 40256% 40257Rules for Writers: 40258 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double 40259negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; 40260and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and 40261omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are 40262unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with 40263a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. 40264Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing. 40265Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on 40266us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have 40267snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've 40268told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, 40269avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional 40270phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of 40271death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" 40272% 40273RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 40274 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. 40275 (2) Never leave the table hungry. 40276 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 40277 (4) Enjoy your food. 40278 (5) Enjoy your companion's food. 40279 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 40280 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 40281 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, 40282 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a 40283 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 40284 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 40285 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You 40286 can always eat it later. 40287 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 40288 (11) Avoid blue food. 40289 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 40290% 40291Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. 40292 -- Lao Tsu 40293% 40294Rune's Rule: 40295 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 40296% 40297Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. 40298 -- John Cameron Swayze 40299% 40300Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week, 40301he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. 40302 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change 40303 from being a pitcher to an outfielder. 40304 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 40305% 40306Ryan's Law: 40307 Make three correct guesses consecutively 40308 and you will establish yourself as an expert. 40309% 40310RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY 40311RY RY 40312RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY 40313RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY 40314RY RY 40315RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY 40316RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY 40317RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY 40318RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY 40319RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY 40320RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY 40321RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY 40322RY RY 40323RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY 40324. 40325. 40326SYSTEM READY. 40327? 40328 -- Chris Suslowicz 40329% 40330Sacher's Observation: 40331 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell. 40332% 40333Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 40334% 40335SADISM: 40336 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. 40337% 40338Sadoequinecrophilia, n.: 40339 Beating a dead horse. 40340% 40341Safety Third. 40342% 40343Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 40344 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 40345 40346 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, 40347 bugs, ants. 40348 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. 40349 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 40350 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. 40351 5. Exotic birds flock around you. 40352 6. People ignore you at parties. 40353 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 40354 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. 40355% 40356SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE: 40357 40358 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the 40359Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered 40360to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international 40361space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would 40362violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by 40363turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction 40364center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. 40365% 40366SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 40367 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 40368 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority 40369 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People 40370 laugh at you a great deal. 40371% 40372SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) 40373 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding 40374 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and 40375 obnoxious self. Call your mother. 40376% 40377SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21) 40378 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will 40379 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue 40380 impulse you have to push her out into traffic. 40381% 40382Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I 40383got started one night when George came home and found one burning in 40384the ashtray." 40385% 40386Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. 40387 -- Heard on Noah's ark 40388% 40389Sailors in ships, sail on! 40390Even while we died, others rode out the storm. 40391% 40392Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. 40393 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi" 40394% 40395Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed 40396in small amounts over a long period of time. 40397 -- George Carlin 40398% 40399Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings 40400 with me. 40401Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained 40402 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not 40403 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around 40404 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry. 40405Sally: It's called "trust," Ted. 40406Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into 40407 uncharted waters here. 40408 -- Sally Forth 40409% 40410Sam: What's going on, Normie? 40411Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in 40412 it, and I'll blow out my liver. 40413 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone 40414 40415Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? 40416Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. 40417 Found him every couple of blocks. 40418 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill 40419% 40420Sam: What do you know there, Norm? 40421Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? 40422 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 40423 40424Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? 40425Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. 40426 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 40427 40428Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? 40429Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. 40430 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 40431% 40432Sam: What's the good word, Norm? 40433Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. 40434Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... 40435Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... 40436Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. 40437 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday 40438 40439Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? 40440Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. 40441 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor 40442 40443Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? 40444Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. 40445 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie 40446% 40447Sam: What do you say, Norm? 40448Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. 40449 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice 40450 40451Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? 40452Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town? 40453 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up 40454 40455Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. 40456All: Norm! (Norman.) 40457Sam: Still pouring, Norm? 40458Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. 40459 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare 40460% 40461Sam: What's new, Norm? 40462Norm: Most of my wife. 40463 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One 40464 40465Coach: Beer, Norm? 40466Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. 40467 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone 40468 40469Coach: What's doing, Norm? 40470Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen 40471 to be the guinea pig. 40472 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways 40473% 40474SAN DIEGO: 40475 Four million people, where you can't get a 40476 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try. 40477% 40478San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the 40479people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When 40480they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. 40481One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. 40482 -- George Halas, professional football coach 40483% 40484San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 40485 -- Herb Caen 40486% 40487San Francisco, n.: 40488 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 40489% 40490Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. 40491% 40492Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. 40493 -- Mark Harrold 40494% 40495Sank heaven for leetle curls. 40496% 40497Santa Claus is watching! 40498% 40499Santa Claus wears a red suit 40500He's a Communist. 40501 40502He has long hair and a beard 40503Must be a pacifist. 40504 40505And what's in the pipe that he's smoking? 40506 40507Santa Claus comes in your house at night. 40508He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight. 40509 40510Why do police guys beat on peace guys? 40511 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus" 40512% 40513Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. 40514% 40515Satellite Safety Tip #14: 40516 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 40517% 40518Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. 40519% 40520Satire is tragedy plus time. 40521 -- Lenny Bruce 40522% 40523Satire is what closes in New Haven. 40524% 40525Satire is what closes Saturday night. 40526 -- George Kaufman 40527% 40528Sattinger's Law: 40529 It works better if you plug it in. 40530% 40531Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 40532Is like being nowhere at all, 40533All through the day how the hours rush by, 40534You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 40535 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 40536% 40537Satyrs have more faun. 40538% 40539Sauron is alive in Argentina! 40540% 40541Savage's Law of Expediency: 40542 You want it bad, you'll get it bad. 40543% 40544Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be 40545surprised at how little you have. 40546 -- Ernest Haskins 40547% 40548Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today. 40549 -- Jason Zions 40550% 40551Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. 40552% 40553Save energy: be apathetic. 40554% 40555Save gas, don't eat beans. 40556% 40557Save gas, don't use the shell. 40558% 40559Save the bales! 40560% 40561Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 40562% 40563Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. 40564% 40565Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! 40566% 40567Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- 40568Bust in business, lost your wife; 40569No one cares a cent about you, 40570You don't care a cent for life; 40571Hard luck has of hope bereft you, 40572Health is failing, wish you'd die-- 40573Why, you've still the sunshine left you 40574And the big blue sky. 40575 -- R. W. Service 40576% 40577Say it with flowers, 40578Or say it with mink, 40579But whatever you do, 40580Don't say it with ink! 40581 -- Jimmie Durante 40582% 40583Say many of cameras focused t'us, 40584Our middle-aged shots do us justice. 40585No justice, please, curse ye! 40586We really want mercy: 40587You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us. 40588 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt 40589% 40590Say my love is easy had, 40591Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 40592Say I am too often sad -- 40593Still behold me at your side. 40594 40595Say I'm neither brave nor young, 40596Say I woo and coddle care, 40597Say the devil touched my tongue, 40598Still you have my heart to wear. 40599 40600But say my verses do not scan, 40601And I get me another man! 40602 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words" 40603% 40604Say no, then negotiate. 40605 -- Helga 40606% 40607Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. 40608% 40609Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. 40610% 40611SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 40612 -- Ken Thompson 40613% 40614SCENARIO: 40615 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in 40616 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in 40617 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case. 40618% 40619Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful. 40620% 40621Scene: 40622 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living 40623room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and 40624white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in 40625filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his 40626shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy 40627intently watching him. 40628 40629Caption: 40630 I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you. 40631% 40632Schapiro's Explanation: 40633 The grass is always greener on the other side -- 40634 but that's because they use more manure. 40635% 40636Schizophrenia beats being alone. 40637% 40638Schlattwhapper, n.: 40639 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 40640 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 40641 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 40642% 40643Schmidt's Observation: 40644 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap 40645 than a thin person. 40646% 40647Schwiggle, n.: 40648 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a 40649 pencil. 40650 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 40651% 40652Science and religion are in full accord but 40653science and faith are in complete discord. 40654% 40655Science Fiction, Double Feature. 40656Frank has built and lost his creature. 40657Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. 40658The servants gone to a distant planet. 40659Wo, oh, oh, oh. 40660At the late night, double feature, Picture show. 40661I want to go, oh, oh, oh. 40662To the late night, double feature, Picture show. 40663 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 40664% 40665Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a 40666collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones 40667is a house. 40668 -- Jules Henri Poincar'e 40669% 40670Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made 40671of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts 40672is not necessarily science. 40673 -- Jules Henri Poincar'e 40674% 40675Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes 40676out, but that is not the reason we are doing it 40677 -- Richard Feynman 40678% 40679Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. 40680% 40681Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 40682% 40683Science may someday discover what faith has always known. 40684% 40685Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! 40686Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes. 40687Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart, 40688Vulture, whose wings are dull realities? 40689How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise? 40690Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering 40691To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies, 40692Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing? 40693Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car? 40694And driven the Hamadryad from the wood 40695To seek a shelter in some happier star? 40696Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, 40697The Elfin from the green grass, and from me 40698The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? 40699 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" 40700% 40701Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. 40702 -- William F. Buckley 40703 40704% 40705Scientists still know less about what attracts men 40706than they do about what attracts mosquitoes. 40707 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, 40708 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men" 40709% 40710Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. 40711They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that 40712was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were 40713linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights 40714started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there 40715was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, 40716struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently 40717together. "There is now", came the reply. 40718% 40719Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, 40720Fain how I pause at your nature specific, 40721Loftily poised in the ether capacious, 40722Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. 40723Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, 40724Fain how I pause at your nature specific. 40725% 40726Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. 40727% 40728SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 40729 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve 40730 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most 40731 Scorpio people are murdered. 40732% 40733SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) 40734 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check 40735 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want 40736 to throw up. Knock it off. 40737% 40738SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) 40739 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million 40740 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to 40741 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance 40742 to win. You never learn. 40743% 40744Scott's first Law: 40745 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 40746% 40747Scott's second Law: 40748 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 40749to have been wrong in the first place. 40750 40751Corollary: 40752 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 40753impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. 40754% 40755Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 40756Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 40757Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 40758Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 40759Spock: Affirmative. 40760Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 40761Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 40762% 40763Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 40764% 40765Scribline, n.: 40766 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's 40767 signature goes. 40768 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 40769% 40770Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the 40771Presidency. 40772 -- Richard M. Nixon 40773% 40774'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! 40775 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix 40776% 40777Sears has everything. 40778% 40779Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. 40780% 40781Second Law of Business Meetings: 40782 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 40783 will pick the wrong one. 40784 40785Corollary: 40786 If there is only one way to spell a name, 40787 you will spell it wrong, anyway. 40788% 40789Second Law of Final Exams: 40790 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most 40791 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. 40792% 40793Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. 40794% 40795Secretary's Revenge: 40796 Filing almost everything under "the". 40797% 40798Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). 40799 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a 40800multiline message byte. 40801 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message 40802must be sent passive true. 40803 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: 40804 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false 40805 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: 40806 (a) The LADS is active 40807 (b) Nor LACS is active 40808 40809 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for 40810 Programmable Instrumentation 40811% 40812Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 40813% 40814Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? 40815[Who guards the Guardians?] 40816% 40817Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 40818She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 40819Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 40820Silently scheming, 40821Sightlessly seeking 40822Some savage, spectacular suicide. 40823 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 40824% 40825See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ... 40826% 40827See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause 40828the second one should have seen it. 40829% 40830Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what 40831was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney 40832who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to 40833himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and 40834asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation. 40835 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so 40836far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches." 40837% 40838Seeing is believing. 40839You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it. 40840% 40841Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. 40842 -- James Thurber 40843% 40844Seeing that death, a necessary end, 40845Will come when it will come. 40846 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 40847% 40848Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. 40849 -- Alfred North Whitehead 40850% 40851Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were 40852driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the 40853mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by 40854luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged 40855rocks. They all got out of the car: 40856 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." 40857 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it 40858into town and have a specialist look at it." 40859 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back 40860in and see if it does it again." 40861% 40862Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription 40863counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help 40864you?". 40865 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please." 40866 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would 40867you like me to put it on your bill?" 40868 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?" 40869% 40870Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans 40871to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, 40872the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. 40873During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's 40874work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your 40875dreams!" 40876 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. 40877Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is 40878completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and 40879other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields 40880are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. 40881"Look what God and you have accomplished together!" 40882 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was 40883like when God was working it alone!" 40884% 40885Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska, 40886and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash 40887register. 40888 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" 40889 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man. 40890 "GRIZZLIES?!?!" 40891 "A few." 40892 "Got any bear bells?" 40893 "What's that?" 40894 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so 40895bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black 40896bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly 40897country, anyhow?" 40898 "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat." 40899 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?" 40900 "Bear bells." 40901% 40902Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. 40903Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" 40904 40905In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?" 40906In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?" 40907In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?" 40908In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?" 40909% 40910Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his 40911doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man 40912that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more 40913months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation. 40914Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously, 40915and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better. 40916He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him 40917up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve." 40918 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?" 40919 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within 40920a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne 40921out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth. 40922When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy 40923some new underwear. 40924 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34." 40925 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The 40926salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing 40927that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts. 40928 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you, 40929you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches." 40930% 40931Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for 40932Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed. 40933% 40934Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! 40935 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 40936% 40937Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 40938 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. 40939% 40940Self Test for Paranoia: 40941 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's 40942 your own fault. 40943% 40944Seminars, n.: 40945 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. 40946% 40947semper en excretus 40948% 40949SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! 40950% 40951Senate, n.: 40952 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 40953 misdemeanors. 40954 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 40955% 40956Send some filthy mail. 40957% 40958Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. 40959 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide" 40960% 40961SENILITY: 40962 The state of mind of elderly persons 40963 with whom one happens to disagree. 40964% 40965Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very 40966little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists. 40967In fact he is further to the right than General Batista. 40968 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958 40969% 40970Sentient plasmoids are a gas. 40971% 40972Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. 40973 -- Graham Greene 40974% 40975SERENDIPITY: 40976 The process by which human knowledge is advanced. 40977% 40978Serenity through viciousness. 40979% 40980Serfs up! 40981 -- Spartacus 40982% 40983Serocki's Stricture: 40984 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 40985% 40986Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence. 40987% 40988Set the cart before the horse. 40989 -- John Heywood 40990% 40991Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a 40992swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were 40993there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages 40994retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, 40995some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the 40996fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite 40997loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security 40998guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's 40999anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 41000% 41001Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a 41002big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at 41003reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's 41004build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up 41005like crabgrass all over the United States. 41006 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 41007% 41008Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 41009Is all my brain and body need. 41010Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 41011Are very good indeed. 41012 41013Take your silly ways, 41014Throw them out the window, 41015The wisdom of your ways, 41016I've been there and I know, 41017Lots of other ways... 41018 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties" 41019% 41020Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. 41021% 41022Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. 41023 -- Lewis Grizzard 41024% 41025Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. 41026% 41027Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich, 41028if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important. 41029 -- Ian Dury 41030% 41031Sex is an emotion in motion. 41032 -- Mae West 41033% 41034Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is 41035for diet Coke. 41036 -- Malcolm DacDougall 41037% 41038Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. 41039 -- Garrison Keillor 41040% 41041Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, 41042it's still darn tasty! 41043% 41044Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are 41045unimportant. 41046 -- Henry Miller 41047% 41048Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 41049 -- M. C. Reed 41050% 41051Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the 41052most amount of trouble. 41053 -- John Barrymore 41054% 41055Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is 41056repeated until infinity. 41057 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist 41058 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, 41059 1973. 41060% 41061Sex without love is an empty experience, but, 41062as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. 41063 -- Woody Allen 41064% 41065Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon 41066how children do not come into the world. 41067 -- Karl Kraus 41068% 41069Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so! 41070% 41071Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: 41072always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? 41073 -- J. M. Barrie 41074% 41075Shame is an improper emotion invented by 41076pietists to oppress the human race. 41077 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" 41078% 41079Shannon's Observation 41080 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation 41081 that is beginning to improve. 41082% 41083Share, n.: 41084 To give in, endure humiliation. 41085% 41086Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off 41087during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. 41088 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 41089 Teen Should Know" 41090% 41091Shaw's Principle: 41092 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will 41093 want to use it. 41094% 41095She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking 41096good. 41097 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 41098% 41099She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, 41100containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax 41101for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having 41102the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use. 41103 41104In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, 41105not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the 41106worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." 41107 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House" 41108% 41109She asked me, "What's your sign?" 41110I blinked and answered "Neon," 41111I thought I'd blow her mind... 41112% 41113She been married so many times 41114she got rice marks all over her face. 41115 -- Tom Waits 41116% 41117She blinded me with science! 41118% 41119She can kill all your files; 41120She can freeze with a frown. 41121And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down. 41122And she works on her code until ten after three. 41123She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me. 41124 -- Apologies to Billy Joel 41125% 41126She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. 41127 -- Tommy Manville 41128% 41129She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. 41130% 41131She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. 41132 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 41133% 41134She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. 41135 -- Mark Twain 41136% 41137She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few 41138years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and 41139left. Excited a few men in the meantime. 41140 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's 41141 involvement in "The Avengers". 41142% 41143She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them 41144were bad. 41145% 41146She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him 41147a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 41148% 41149She often gave herself very good advice 41150(though she very seldom followed it). 41151 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 41152% 41153She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B". 41154 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance 41155% 41156She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. 41157Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored 41158women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. 41159 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple" 41160% 41161She sells cshs by the cshore. 41162% 41163She stood on the tracks 41164Waving her arms 41165Leading me to that third rail shock 41166Quick as a wink 41167She changed her mind 41168 41169She gave me a night 41170That's all it was 41171What will it take until I stop 41172Kidding myself 41173Wasting my time 41174 41175There's nothing else I can do 41176'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna 41177I don't want anyone new 41178'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna 41179There's nothing in it for you 41180'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna 41181 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses) 41182% 41183She was bred in ol' Kentucky 41184But she's just a crumb up here 41185She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed 41186With a cauliflower ear 41187Someday we will be married 41188And if vegetables become too dear 41189I'll just cut me a slice of 41190Her cauliflower ear! 41191 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges" 41192% 41193She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is 41194good at being short. 41195 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe 41196% 41197She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. 41198% 41199She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver. 41200% 41201She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead! 41202% 41203Shedenhelm's Law: 41204 All trails have more uphill sections 41205 than they have downhill sections. 41206% 41207"Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat. 41208% 41209Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then 41210turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a 41211bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last 41212night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British 41213aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' 41214 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton 41215 bad fiction contest. 41216% 41217Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken 41218him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess 41219of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 41220 -- Samuel Johnson 41221% 41222She's genuinely bogus. 41223% 41224She's learned to say things with her eyes 41225that others waste time putting into words. 41226% 41227She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer. 41228% 41229She's such a kinky girl, 41230The kind you don't take home to mother. 41231She will never let your spirits down 41232Once you get her off the street. 41233% 41234She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. 41235 -- Mae West 41236% 41237Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits... 41238% 41239Shick's Law: 41240 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. 41241% 41242Shift to the left, 41243Shift to the right, 41244Mask in, mask out, 41245BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! 41246% 41247SHIFT TO THE LEFT! 41248SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 41249POP UP, PUSH DOWN, 41250BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 41251% 41252Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. 41253% 41254Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks 41255in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was 41256laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society 41257of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable 41258comments: 41259 41260 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..." 41261 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..." 41262 "A man for all seasons. Really..." 41263 41264After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful 41265it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead 41266body join her long dead brain. 41267% 41268Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, 41269they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. 41270 -- Terry Southern 41271% 41272Short people get rained on last. 41273% 41274Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. 41275 -- Martin Mull 41276% 41277Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. 41278Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. 41279 -- Leo Durocher 41280% 41281Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is 41282playing golf with his boss. 41283% 41284Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 41285% 41286Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. 41287% 41288Showing up is 80% of life. 41289 -- Woody Allen 41290% 41291Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. 41292 -- Voltaire 41293% 41294Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. 41295[If youth but knew, if old age but could.] 41296 -- Henri Estienne 41297% 41298Sic transit gloria Monday! 41299% 41300Sic transit gloria mundi. 41301[So passes away the glory of this world.] 41302 -- Thomas a Kempis 41303% 41304Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. 41305% 41306Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. 41307% 41308Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. 41309% 41310Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs. 41311% 41312Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 41313 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 41314% 41315Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak 41316up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to 41317raise bloody hell. 41318 -- Herbert Block 41319% 41320Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. 41321 -- Thomas Carlyle 41322% 41323Silence is the only virtue you have left. 41324% 41325sillema sillema nika su 41326[translation: look it up...hint-fin] 41327% 41328Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 41329% 41330Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking 41331a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the 41332carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed 41333the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out 41334of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest 41335intersection in town. BUT! 41336 41337Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 41338BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL! 41339 41340Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient. 41341She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage. 41342(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty! 41343And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT! 41344 41345Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 41346BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN! 41347% 41348Silverman's Law: 41349 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 41350% 41351Simon's Law: 41352 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 41353% 41354Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. 41355% 41356Simulated fortune: 41357 41358 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the 41359 character of this point is therefore another method for the 41360 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an 41361 unexpected. 41362 41363 -- by Claude E. Shannon 41364% 41365Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. 41366 -- Hubert Kirrman 41367% 41368Sin boldly. 41369 -- Martin Luther 41370% 41371Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. 41372% 41373Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. 41374All other "sins" are invented nonsense. 41375(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid). 41376 -- Lazarus Long 41377% 41378Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised 41379when others believe him. 41380 -- Charles DeGaulle 41381% 41382Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! 41383% 41384Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, 41385cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward 41386this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. 41387% 41388Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, 41389having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well 41390burst out in laughter. 41391 -- Long Chen Pa 41392% 41393Since I hurt my pendulum 41394My life is all erratic. 41395My parrot who was cordial 41396Is now transmitting static. 41397The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 41398The cat keeps doing poo. 41399The only thing that keeps me sane 41400Is talking to my shoe. 41401 -- My Shoe 41402% 41403Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. 41404 -- Tom Stoppard 41405% 41406Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 41407alive. 41408 -- John Sloan 41409% 41410Since we're all here, we must not be all there. 41411 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck 41412% 41413Sink or Swim with Teddy! 41414% 41415Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. 41416% 41417Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable. 41418 -- C-3PO 41419% 41420[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues 41421I dislike and none of the vices I admire. 41422 -- Winston Churchill 41423% 41424Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of 41425Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from 41426loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" 41427 41428God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all 41429the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. 41430It'll cost you though". 41431 41432"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and 41433the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" 41434 41435"An arm and a leg", said God. 41436 41437Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get 41438for a rib?" 41439% 41440Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful 41441objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill 41442gives us modern art. 41443 -- Tom Stoppard 41444% 41445Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 41446 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 41447 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you 41448 should have gotten. 41449% 41450skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil 41451h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 41452kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, 41453 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf'] 41454 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y 41455 41456 41457Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! 41458% 41459Slang is language that takes off its coat, 41460spits on its hands, and goes to work. 41461% 41462Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when 41463a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent 41464songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as 41465those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether 41466beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, 41467breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest 41468anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God 41469for deliverance from chains. 41470 -- Frederick Douglass 41471% 41472Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. 41473 -- W. C. Fields 41474% 41475Sleep is for the weak and sickly. 41476% 41477Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 41478 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 41479 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 41480 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 41481 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 41482 attracted to dark objects. 41483% 41484Slous' Contention: 41485 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. 41486% 41487Slow day. 41488Practice crawling. 41489% 41490Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... 41491% 41492Slurm, n.: 41493 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when 41494 it sits in the dish too long. 41495 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 41496% 41497Small change can often be found under seat cushions. 41498% 41499Small is beautiful. 41500 -- Schumacher's Dictum 41501% 41502Small things make base men proud. 41503 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 41504% 41505Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my 41506teacher was in my class for five years. 41507 -- George Burns 41508% 41509Smear the road with a runner!! 41510% 41511Smile! You're on Candid Camera. 41512% 41513Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You. 41514% 41515Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult. 41516 -- Fran Lebowitz 41517% 41518SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! 41519 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the 41520 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), 41521 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on 41522 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be 41523 filed 30 days in advance. 41524% 41525Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 41526 -- Fletcher Knebel 41527% 41528Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. 41529% 41530Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! 41531 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office 41532% 41533Snacktrek, n.: 41534 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 41535 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will 41536 have materialized. 41537 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 41538% 41539Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? 41540% 41541SNAPPY REPARTEE: 41542 What you'd say if you had another chance. 41543% 41544Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from. 41545% 41546Snow and adolescence are the only problems 41547that disappear if you ignore them long enough. 41548% 41549Snow Day -- stay home. 41550% 41551Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours 41552shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she 41553mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks 41554for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right 41555with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps 41556the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come." 41557% 41558So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate 41559your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and 41560hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast 41561array of 8-millimeter video equipment. 41562 41563... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you 41564were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format 41565that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as 41566toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be 41567made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a 41568format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. 41569 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics 41570 Revolution" 41571% 41572So... did you ever wonder, do garbage men take showers before they 41573go to work? 41574% 41575So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making. 41576A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force 41577they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because 41578of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose 41579only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only 41580purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of 41581strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. 41582Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. 41583 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193 41584% 41585So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in 41586praise of intelligence. 41587 -- Bertrand Russell 41588% 41589So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far 41590as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical 41591way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. 41592 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire 41593% 41594So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course 41595of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a 41596friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth 41597could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could 41598use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- 41599for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible 41600the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to 41601extrapolate the location of their kitchens). 41602 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" 41603% 41604So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back? 41605% 41606So, if there's no God, who changes the water? 41607 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl 41608% 41609So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. 41610 -- Yogi Berra 41611% 41612So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as 41613large as it needs to be? 41614% 41615So little time, so little to do. 41616 -- Oscar Levant 41617% 41618So live that you wouldn't be ashamed 41619to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. 41620% 41621So many beautiful women and so little time. 41622 -- John Barrymore 41623% 41624So many men and so little time. 41625% 41626So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. 41627 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 41628% 41629So many women, and so little time! 41630% 41631So many women, so little nerve. 41632% 41633So much food, and so little time! 41634% 41635So much 41636depends 41637upon 41638a red 41639 41640wheel 41641barrow 41642glazed with 41643 41644rain 41645water 41646beside 41647the white 41648chickens. 41649 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow" 41650% 41651So now 41652that you have- 41653 41654you know, whoever 41655 41656you're trying 41657to do 41658 41659a favor 41660for 41661 41662-you've done it- 41663 41664and I'm sure 41665you had 41666 41667a smirk 41668on your mouth 41669 41670as you got me 41671into this. 41672 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 41673 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public 41674 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992 41675% 41676So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and 41677at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into 41678the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married 41679the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum 41680himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing 41681the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of 41682their boots. 41683 -- Samuel Foote 41684% 41685So so is good, very good, very excellent good: 41686and yet it is not; it is but so so. 41687 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 41688% 41689So... so you think you can tell 41690Heaven from Hell? 41691Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade 41692Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts? 41693From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees? 41694A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze? 41695Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change? 41696 Did you exchange 41697 A walk on part in a war 41698 For the lead role in a cage? 41699 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" 41700% 41701So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? 41702And why can't he ever remember his Bible? 41703% 41704So, you better watch out! 41705You better not cry! 41706You better not pout! 41707I'm telling you why, 41708Santa Claus is coming, to town. 41709 41710He knows when you've been sleeping, 41711He know when you're awake. 41712He knows if you've been bad or good, 41713He has ties with the CIA. 41714So... 41715% 41716So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality 41717all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have 41718tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal 41719recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of 41720the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment 41721and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of 41722eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep... 41723% 41724So you think that money is the root of all evil. 41725Have you ever asked what is the root of money? 41726 -- Ayn Rand 41727% 41728So you're back... about time... 41729% 41730Soap and education are not as sudden as a 41731massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. 41732 -- Mark Twain 41733% 41734SOCIALISM: 41735 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour. 41736COMMUNISM: 41737 You have two cows. 41738 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. 41739CAPITALISM: 41740 You sell one cow and buy a bull. 41741FASCISM: 41742 You have two cows. Give milk to the government. 41743 The government sells it. 41744NAZISM: 41745 The government shoots you and takes the cows. 41746NEW DEALISM: 41747 The government shoots one cow, 41748 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. 41749ANARCHISM: 41750 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government. 41751CONSERVATISM: 41752 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. 41753% 41754Sodd's Second Law: 41755 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is 41756bound to occur. 41757% 41758Software, n.: 41759 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 41760% 41761Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run 41762like a staff function." 41763 -- Paul Licker 41764% 41765Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 41766"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all 41767the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. 41768 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. 41769% 41770Soldiers who wish to be a hero 41771Are practically zero, 41772But those who wish to be civilians, 41773They run into the millions. 41774% 41775Solipsists of the World... you are already united. 41776 -- Kayvan Sylvan 41777% 41778Solutions are obvious if one only has the 41779optical power to observe them over the horizon. 41780 -- K. A. Arsdall 41781% 41782Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, 41783and some few to be chewed and digested. 41784 -- Francis Bacon 41785 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.] 41786% 41787Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. 41788Others are so fast, they don't notice you. 41789% 41790Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, 41791as when you find a trout in the milk. 41792 -- Thoreau 41793% 41794Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 41795% 41796Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. 41797% 41798Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. 41799% 41800Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. 41801% 41802Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 41803 -- Edgar W. Howe 41804% 41805Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right 41806places! 41807 -- Mae West 41808% 41809Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, 41810and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. 41811 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 41812% 41813Some men are discovered; others are found out. 41814% 41815Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think 41816about sex at all... they become lawyers. 41817 -- Woody Allen 41818% 41819Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness 41820that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it. 41821% 41822Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. 41823 -- Maureen Murphy 41824% 41825Some men feel that the only thing they owe 41826the woman who marries them is a grudge. 41827 -- Helen Rowland 41828% 41829Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear 41830lest she should catch a cold on overexposure. 41831 -- Samuel Butler 41832% 41833Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. 41834 -- Woodie Guthrie 41835% 41836Some men who fear that they are playing 41837second fiddle aren't in the band at all. 41838% 41839Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. 41840The answer is: I don't know. 41841Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? 41842% 41843Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the 41844old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent 41845I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the 4184613th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is 41847the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some 41848Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the 41849Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is 41850an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of 41851"lekare". 41852 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist 41853 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with 41854 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring 41855 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the 41856 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given 41857 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, 41858 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he 41859 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what 41860 he received, shame and wounds." 41861% 41862Some of the things that live the longest 41863in peoples' memories never really happened. 41864% 41865Some of them want to use you, 41866Some of them want to be used by you, 41867...Everybody's looking for something. 41868 -- Eurythmics, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)" 41869% 41870Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. 41871 -- Gloria Steinem 41872% 41873Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to 41874celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around 41875stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 41876"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind 41877of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The 41878government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level 41879Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and 41880billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which 41881it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming 41882thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with 41883the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money 41884and go to a mall. 41885 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 41886% 41887Some parts of the past must be preserved, 41888and some of the future prevented at all costs. 41889% 41890Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional 41891transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into 41892two-dimensional ones. 41893 -- F. Frederick Skitty 41894% 41895Some people carve careers, others chisel them. 41896% 41897Some people cause happiness wherever 41898they go; others, whenever they go. 41899% 41900Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, 41901but at least you only have to climb it once. 41902% 41903Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have 41904only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 41905% 41906Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. 41907% 41908Some people have parts that are so private 41909they themselves have no knowledge of them. 41910% 41911Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit 41912them on the head. 41913% 41914Some people live life in the fast lane. 41915You're in oncoming traffic. 41916% 41917Some people manage by the book, even though they 41918don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 41919% 41920Some people need a good imaginary cure 41921for their painful imaginary ailment. 41922% 41923Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. 41924% 41925Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for. 41926% 41927Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a 41928rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. 41929 -- P. J. O'Rourke 41930% 41931Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. 41932They say things they haven't even thought of yet. 41933% 41934Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when 41935you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even 41936worse. 41937 -- Avery 41938% 41939Some points to remember [about animals]: 41940 41941(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, 41942 hippopotamuses; 41943(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the 41944 front of your clothes; 41945(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs 41946 you have just kicked. 41947 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 41948% 41949Some primal termite knocked on wood. 41950And tasted it, and found it good. 41951And that is why your Cousin May 41952Fell through the parlor floor today. 41953 -- Ogden Nash 41954% 41955Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand 41956progress. 41957 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 41958% 41959Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. 41960% 41961Some say the world will end in fire, 41962Some say in ice. 41963From what I've tasted of desire 41964I hold with those who favor fire. 41965But if it had to perish twice 41966I think I know enough of hate 41967To say that for destruction, ice 41968Is also great 41969And would suffice 41970 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice" 41971% 41972Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. 41973 -- Folk saying 41974% 41975Some things have to be believed to be seen. 41976% 41977Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. 41978 -- W. C. Fields 41979% 41980Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers 41981so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. 41982% 41983Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road, 41984Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code, 41985Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck, 41986When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck. 41987 41988Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise, 41989Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice. 41990Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat, 41991That don't smell very nice -- 41992He's nobody's moggy now. 41993 41994Oh you who love your pussy, 41995Be sure to keep him in. 41996Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play 41997The truck is bound to win. On the road way 41998And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that, 41999Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing 42000If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!" 42001It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat! 42002 And your pussy will be slightly dead, 42003He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat! 42004Just red and squashed and soggy -- 42005He's nobody's moggy now. 42006 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper" 42007% 42008Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. 42009I found a pile of them over in the corner. 42010% 42011Someday somebody has got to decide whether the 42012typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it. 42013% 42014Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will 42015probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a 42016blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. 42017 -- Mister Boffo 42018% 42019Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. 42020 -- Evan Davis 42021% 42022Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? 42023% 42024Someday your prints will come. 42025 -- Kodak 42026% 42027Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing 42028when I was passing through satisfaction. 42029 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 42030% 42031Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. 42032% 42033Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York 42034City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to 42035Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." 42036 -- David Letterman 42037% 42038Someone is speaking well of you. 42039How unusual! 42040% 42041Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. 42042% 42043Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. 42044% 42045Someone will try to honk your nose today. 42046% 42047Something better... 42048 42049 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 42050 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 42051 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore 42052 something larger. Like ... Wyoming. 42053 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. 42054 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen 42055 minutes late. 42056 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your 42057 own ear. 42058 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't 42059 mind putting that thing away. 42060 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. 42061 It's what's in it that matters. 42062 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye 42063 Seattle. 4206410 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. 4206511 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps 42066 changing tempo. 4206712 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose." 42068 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" 42069% 42070Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. 42071 -- Benjamin Disraeli 42072% 42073Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. 42074 -- William Shakespeare 42075% 42076Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... 42077and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. 42078 -- N. V. Plyter 42079% 42080Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. 42081 -- Sigmund Freud 42082% 42083Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a 42084fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. 42085 -- Montesquieu 42086% 42087Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm 42088smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them. 42089 -- Richard M. Nixon 42090% 42091Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. 42092 -- Seneca 42093% 42094Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away, 42095Looking at me, I got nothin' to say. 42096Don't make me angry with the things games that you play, 42097Either light up or leave me alone. 42098% 42099Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and 42100the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the 42101world. 42102 -- Robert Stone 42103% 42104Sometimes I live in the country, 42105And sometimes I live in town. 42106And sometimes I have a great notion, 42107To jump in the river and drown. 42108% 42109Sometimes I simply feel that the whole 42110world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray. 42111% 42112Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. 42113Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. 42114 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" 42115% 42116Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 42117 -- Lily Tomlin 42118% 42119Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes. 42120 -- Repo Man 42121% 42122Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. 42123% 42124SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw 42125back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears 42126me because I am beautiful. 42127 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 42128% 42129Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. 42130% 42131Sometimes the light is all shining on me, 42132Other times I can hardly see. 42133Lately it occurs to me 42134What a long strange trip it's been. 42135 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty" 42136% 42137Sometimes, too long is too long. 42138 -- Joe Crowe 42139% 42140Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel 42141like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat 42142before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and 42143forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. 42144 -- Snoopy 42145% 42146Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means 42147to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her. 42148 -- Andy Capp 42149% 42150Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone 42151else is driving. 42152 -- David Letterman 42153% 42154Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. 42155% 42156Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 42157% 42158Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a 42159woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. 42160 -- Sam Levenson 42161% 42162Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. 42163 -- Carl Sagan 42164% 42165Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which 42166the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can 42167make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. 42168But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider. 42169 -- Sky Masterson's Father 42170% 42171Song Title of the Week: 42172 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change 42173in me." 42174% 42175Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already 42176paid may disregard this fortune). 42177% 42178Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. 42179% 42180Sorry. Nice try. 42181% 42182Sorry never means having you're say to love. 42183% 42184Sorry, no fortune this time. 42185% 42186Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly 42187big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the 42188drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 42189 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 42190% 42191Space is to place as eternity is to time. 42192 -- Joseph Joubert 42193% 42194Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. 42195 -- Wheeler 42196% 42197Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. 42198Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life 42199and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. 42200 -- Captain James T. Kirk 42201% 42202Spagmumps, n.: 42203 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order 42204 items. 42205 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 42206% 42207Spare no expense to save money on this one. 42208 -- Samuel Goldwyn 42209% 42210Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: 42211 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as 42212if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question 42213back at him. 42214% 42215Speak roughly to your little boy, 42216 And beat him when he sneezes: 42217He only does it to annoy 42218 Because he knows it teases. 42219 42220 Wow! wow! wow! 42221 42222I speak severely to my boy, 42223 And beat him when he sneezes: 42224For he can thoroughly enjoy 42225 The pepper when he pleases! 42226 42227 Wow! wow! wow! 42228 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 42229% 42230Speak roughly to your little VAX, 42231 And boot it when it crashes; 42232It knows that one cannot relax 42233 Because the paging thrashes! 42234 42235 Wow! Wow! Wow! 42236 42237I speak severely to my VAX, 42238 And boot it when it crashes; 42239In spite of all my favorite hacks 42240 My jobs it always thrashes! 42241 42242 Wow! Wow! Wow! 42243% 42244Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 42245% 42246Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. 42247 -- Dave Millman 42248% 42249"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though 42250ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, 42251mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, 42252thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has 42253moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, 42254and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate 42255earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful 42256water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or 42257diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers 42258would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when 42259leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting 42260wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the 42261murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell 42262into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed 42263on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would 42264have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has 42265seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one 42266syllable is thine!" 42267 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" 42268% 42269Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure 42270that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, 42271all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? 42272Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the 42273result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure 42274parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different 42275types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a 42276recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language 42277so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 42278% 42279Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: 42280 42281 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair 42282 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! 42283 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down 42284 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! 42285 Helpless users with projects due 42286 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! 42287 42288 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! 42289 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" 42290 42291* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation 42292* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. 42293 -- Curtis Jackson 42294% 42295Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these 42296days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate 42297with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children 42298who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in 42299these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours 42300bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't 42301communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up! 42302 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 42303% 42304Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's 42305on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! 42306% 42307Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!! 42308Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited 42309young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate 42310students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions. 42311Faculty members especially welcome. 42312% 42313Speed is subsittute fo accurancy. 42314% 42315Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the 42316motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, 42317when the driver will be permitted to make what he can. 42318 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907 42319% 42320Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: 42321 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the 42322number of times you have looked at it. 42323% 42324Spelling is a lossed art. 42325% 42326Spence's Admonition: 42327 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. 42328% 42329Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 42330% 42331SPINSTER: 42332 A bachelor's wife. 42333% 42334Spirtle, n.: 42335 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in 42336 your eye. 42337 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 42338% 42339Spock: The odds of surviving another 42340attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. 42341% 42342Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. 42343% 42344Spouse, n.: 42345 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you 42346 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 42347% 42348Spring is here, spring is here, 42349Life is skittles and life is beer. 42350% 42351Squatcho, n.: 42352 The button at the top of a baseball cap. 42353 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 42354% 42355Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick. 42356% 42357St. Patrick was a gentleman 42358who through strategy and stealth 42359drove all the snakes from Ireland. 42360Here's a toasting to his health -- 42361but not too many toastings 42362lest you lose yourself and then 42363forget the good St. Patrick 42364and see all those snakes again. 42365% 42366Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. 42367% 42368Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes. 42369% 42370Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last 42371words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are 42372now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." 42373 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under 42374his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. 42375 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't 42376open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, 42377open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if 42378after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And 42379with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. 42380 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- 42381unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it 42382was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" 42383So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin 42384for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. 42385 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much 42386deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. 42387 All it said was: "Write two letters." 42388% 42389Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS. 42390% 42391Stamp out philately. 42392% 42393STANDARDS: 42394 The principles we use to reject other people's code. 42395% 42396Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by 42397no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for 42398something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. 42399 -- Chuang Tzu 42400% 42401Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. 42402% 42403Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: 42404they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. 42405% 42406Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; 42407Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest 42408science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all 42409on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! 42410 -- Harlan Ellison 42411% 42412Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. 42413 -- W. C. Fields 42414% 42415Start the day with a smile. 42416After that you can be your nasty old self again. 42417% 42418State license plates we'd like to see: 42419 42420 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS 42421 LVME 10DR OW-A CAH 42422LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE 42423 42424 HAWAII WISCONSIN 42425 L-O HA CHEDDAR 42426FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE 42427% 42428State license plates we'd like to see: 42429 42430 ALABAMA ARIZONA 42431 IC1 NOW 120 F 42432THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE 42433 42434 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI 42435 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS 42436WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE 42437 42438 TEXAS FLORIDA 42439 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED 42440PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER 42441% 42442State license plates we'd like to see: 42443 42444 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA 42445 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X 42446EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE 42447 42448 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY 42449 WL-GOLLY ARG GGH 42450HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE 42451 42452 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC 42453 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC 42454THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810 42455 MOVIE STATE 42456% 42457STATISTICS: 42458 A system for expressing your political 42459 prejudices in convincing scientific guise. 42460% 42461Statistics are no substitute for judgment. 42462 -- Henry Clay 42463% 42464Statistics means never having to say you're certain. 42465% 42466Stay away from flying saucers today. 42467% 42468Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 42469% 42470Stay the curse. 42471% 42472Stay together, drag each other down. 42473% 42474Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, 42475There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying, 42476One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, 42477 42478And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late, 42479Though we really did try to make it, 42480Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it... 42481 42482It used to be so easy living here with you, 42483You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do 42484Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. 42485 42486There'll be good times again for me and you, 42487But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too? 42488But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you... 42489 42490But it's too late baby... 42491It's too late, now darling, it's too late... 42492 -- Carol King, "Tapestry" 42493% 42494Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So 42495long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental 42496hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, 42497its rate is a matter of discretion. 42498 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" 42499% 42500Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 42501% 42502Steckel's Rule to Success: 42503 Good enough is never good enough. 42504% 42505Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 42506 Everybody should believe in something -- 42507 I believe I'll have another drink. 42508% 42509Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: 42510 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to 42511handle. 42512% 42513Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. 42514Embezzlement is another matter. 42515% 42516Stenderup's Law: 42517 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. 42518% 42519Step back, unbelievers! 42520Or the rain will never come. 42521Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. 42522You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane, 42523But I swear to you, before this day is out, 42524 you folks are gonna see some rain! 42525% 42526Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle 42527Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad 42528so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he 42529wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's 42530very little call for those up there. 42531 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone 42532% 42533Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth. 42534Say, do you have a map to the next joint? 42535% 42536Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. 42537 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984 42538% 42539Stock's Observation: 42540 You no sooner get your head above water 42541 but what someone pulls your flippers off. 42542% 42543Stone's Law: 42544 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?" 42545% 42546Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. 42547And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes 42548in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and 42549Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The 42550way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage 42551on the credulity of human nature. 42552% 42553Stop me, before I kill again! 42554% 42555Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 42556Now, if they'd only take a bath... 42557% 42558Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. 42559% 42560Strange things are done to be number one 42561In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs, 42562IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box 42563Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons, 42564And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox 42565But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future 42566Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright, 42567By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold; 42568 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte 42569 Would ship for Celtic gold. 42570The movers came to crate the frame; 42571It weighed a million ton! 42572The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you 42573(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages; 42574"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship 42575 spat, What's in your brochure's pages. 42576"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells 42577"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver; 42578"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute 42579 Because they couldn't deliver. 42580 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge" 42581% 42582STRATEGY: 42583 A comprehensive plan of inaction. 42584% 42585Strategy: 42586 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime 42587 after those creating it have left the organization. 42588% 42589Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. 42590% 42591Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload 42592and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn 42593the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the 42594"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and 42595implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax 42596and have a nice day. 42597% 42598Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all 42599real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an 42600understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. 42601 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 42602% 42603Stult's Report: 42604 Our problems are mostly behind us. 42605 What we have to do now is fight the solutions. 42606% 42607Stupid, n.: 42608 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 42609% 42610Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? 42611% 42612Stupidity is its own reward. 42613% 42614Sturgeon's Law: 42615 90% of everything is crud. 42616% 42617Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. 42618% 42619Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. 42620Se non e vero, e ben trovato. 42621% 42622Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your 42623editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 42624 -- Mark Twain 42625% 42626Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the 42627way before it is understood. 42628% 42629Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names 42630the streets after them. 42631 -- Bill Vaughn 42632% 42633Success is a journey, not a destination. 42634% 42635Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. 42636% 42637Success is in the minds of Fools. 42638 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578 42639% 42640Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have 42641made of things. 42642 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" 42643% 42644Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. 42645% 42646Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. 42647 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 42648% 42649Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 42650% 42651Such a fine first dream! 42652But they laughed at me; they said 42653I had made it up. 42654% 42655Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, 42656when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace. 42657% 42658Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, 42659petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality. 42660 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts 42661% 42662Such evil deeds could religion prompt. 42663 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 42664% 42665Sudden Death Dating: 42666 42667Quote, female: 42668 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it, 42669 at this point I'll take his first name, too. 42670% 42671Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar 42672without his duck ... 42673% 42674Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; 42675The deed there is, but no doer thereof; 42676Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; 42677The Path there is, but none who travel it. 42678 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values 42679% 42680Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier. 42681% 42682Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity. 42683% 42684Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. 42685 -- Donald Kaul 42686% 42687Sum quod eris. 42688% 42689Sun in the night, everyone is together, 42690Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. 42691 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night" 42692% 42693SUN Microsystems: 42694 The Network IS the Load Average. 42695% 42696(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) 42697 42698 To code the impossible code, 42699 To bring up a virgin machine, 42700 To pop out of endless recursion, 42701 To grok what appears on the screen, 42702 42703 To right the unrightable bug, 42704 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, 42705 To mount the unmountable magtape, 42706 To stop the unstoppable crash! 42707% 42708SUNSET: 42709 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, 42710 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with 42711 progressively reducing solar elevation. 42712% 42713Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy 42714have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. 42715 -- Martin Luther 42716% 42717Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is 42718none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities, 42719sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face. 42720 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar" 42721% 42722Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics? 42723Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of 42724 Quantum Mechanics? 42725Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? 42726Supervisee: Yes. 42727 -- Overheard at a supervision 42728% 42729Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! 42730% 42731Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. 42732% 42733Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!! 42734% 42735Support the American Kidney Foundation. 42736Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. 42737% 42738Support the Girl Scouts! 42739 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) 42740% 42741Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. 42742% 42743Support your local church or synagogue. 42744Worship at Bank of America. 42745% 42746Support your local police force -- steal!! 42747% 42748Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. 42749% 42750Support your right to arm bears!! 42751% 42752Support your right to bare arms! 42753 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association 42754% 42755Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same 42756rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more 42757efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the 42758analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a 42759Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and 42760it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you 42761were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on 42762a pinhead. 42763 -- Christopher Evans 42764% 42765Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! 42766% 42767Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. 42768But what if he forgets? 42769% 42770Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest 42771men in national government too. 42772 -- Richard M. Nixon 42773% 42774Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. 42775% 42776Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! 42777Just type in your name and social security number. 42778Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: 42779 42780Name # 42781 42782 42783% 42784Surprise due today. Also the rent. 42785% 42786Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 42787% 42788Sushi, n.: 42789 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and 42790 strapped on with electrical tape. 42791% 42792Sushido, n.: 42793 The way of the tuna. 42794% 42795Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. 42796 -- William Shakespeare 42797% 42798Swahili, n.: 42799 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their 42800retractions. 42801 -- Johnny Hart 42802% 42803Swap read error. You lose your mind. 42804% 42805SWEATER: 42806 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly. 42807% 42808Sweater, n.: 42809 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. 42810% 42811Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. 42812 -- Thomas Tusser 42813% 42814Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, 42815And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes". 42816% 42817Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, 42818whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through 42819the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly 42820I rush! 42821 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" 42822% 42823Swipple's Rule of Order: 42824 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 42825% 42826Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful 42827place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound. 42828 -- Albert Einstein 42829% 42830Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is 42831 unusually pale and clear. 42832Problem: Glass empty. 42833Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 42834 42835Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, 42836 and the front of your shirt is wet. 42837Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to 42838 wrong part of face. 42839Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. 42840 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. 42841 42842 -- Bar Troubleshooting 42843% 42844Symptom: Everything has gone dark. 42845Fault: The Bar is closing. 42846Action Required: Panic. 42847 42848Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. 42849 You cannot see the bathroom light. 42850Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. 42851Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, 42852 treat yourself to a lie-in. 42853 42854 -- Bar Troubleshooting 42855% 42856Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty. 42857Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 42858Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points 42859 toward ceiling. 42860 42861Symptom: Feet warm and wet. 42862Fault: Improper bladder control. 42863Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain 42864 to the owner about its lack of house training and 42865 demand a beer as compensation. 42866 42867 -- Bar Troubleshooting 42868% 42869Symptom: Floor blurred. 42870Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 42871Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 42872 42873Symptom: Floor moving. 42874Fault: You are being carried out. 42875Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, 42876 complain loudly that you are being kidnaped. 42877 42878 -- Bar Troubleshooting 42879% 42880Symptom: Floor swaying. 42881Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey 42882 game in progress. 42883Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. 42884 42885Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts 42886 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. 42887Fault: You have fallen forward. 42888Action Required: See above. 42889 42890Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several 42891 fluorescent light strips. 42892Fault: You have fallen over backward. 42893Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your 42894 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help 42895 you get up, lash yourself to bar. 42896 42897 -- Bar Troubleshooting 42898% 42899Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 42900 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 42901% 42902System checkpoint complete. 42903% 42904System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. 42905% 42906System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug. 42907% 42908System going down in 5 minutes. 42909% 42910System restarting, wait... 42911% 42912System/3! System/3! 42913See how it runs! See how it runs! 42914 Its monitor loses so totally! 42915 It runs all its programs in RPG! 42916 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 42917System/3! 42918% 42919SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: 42920 Works equally poorly on all systems. 42921% 42922Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 42923infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 42924 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 42925% 42926Systems programmer: 42927 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior 42928 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you 42929 are to receive from your boss. 42930% 42931Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. 42932 -- R. S. Barton 42933% 42934T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 42935 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 42936 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 42937 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 42938 -- The Roguelet's ABC 42939% 42940TACKY: 42941 Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions. 42942% 42943Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. 42944 -- Jean Cocteau 42945% 42946Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. 42947 -- Jean Cocteau 42948% 42949Tact is the ability to tell a man he has 42950an open mind when he has a hole in his head. 42951% 42952Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. 42953% 42954Tact, n.: 42955 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 42956% 42957Take a lesson from the whale; the only time 42958he gets speared is when he raises to spout. 42959% 42960Take an astronaut to launch. 42961% 42962Take care of the luxuries and the 42963necessities will take care of themselves. 42964 -- L. Long 42965% 42966Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. 42967 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 42968% 42969Take everything in stride. 42970Trample anyone who gets in your way. 42971% 42972TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: 42973 Do something that should have been done a long time ago. 42974% 42975Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting 42976enough cheese. 42977 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 42978% 42979Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 42980% 42981Take me drunk, 42982I'm home again! 42983% 42984Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, 42985but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 42986 -- Kipling 42987% 42988Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your 42989merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people 42990have given them to you. 42991% 42992Take what you can use and let the rest go by. 42993 -- Ken Kesey 42994% 42995Take your dying with some seriousness, however. 42996Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood 42997by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. 42998 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 42999% 43000Take your Senator to lunch this week. 43001% 43002Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not 43003take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. 43004 -- Booth Tarkington 43005% 43006Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever 43007got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club. 43008 -- Rev. Jim 43009% 43010Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. 43011% 43012Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 43013 -- Euripides 43014% 43015Talkers are no good doers. 43016 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 43017% 43018Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. 43019 -- Laurie Anderson 43020% 43021Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 43022 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 43023% 43024Tallulah Bankhead barged down the 43025Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. 43026 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 43027% 43028Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, 43029Tan me hide when I'm dead. 43030So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, 43031It's hanging there on the shed. 43032 43033All together now... 43034 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 43035 Tie me kangaroo down. 43036 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 43037 Tie me kangaroo down. 43038% 43039Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey 43040will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. 43041 -- Benjamin Franklin 43042% 43043TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 43044 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination 43045 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull 43046 headed. You are a Communist. 43047% 43048TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20) 43049 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will 43050 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance 43051 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels. 43052% 43053TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) 43054 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep, 43055 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will 43056 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday. 43057% 43058TAX OFFICE: 43059 Den of inequity. 43060% 43061Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't 43062tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." 43063 -- Russell Long 43064% 43065Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself 43066out of the market. 43067% 43068Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 43069% 43070Taxes, n.: 43071 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get 43072 an extension. 43073% 43074TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: 43075 43076Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era. 43077Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think 43078of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. 43079 43080Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs. 43081 -- Dave Mills 43082% 43083Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, 43084when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. 43085% 43086Teachers have class. 43087% 43088TEAMWORK: 43089 Having someone to blame. 43090% 43091Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 43092% 43093Technicality, n.: 43094 In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in 43095 having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir 43096 Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the 43097 head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the 43098 other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was 43099 acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges 43100 holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not 43101 affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference. 43102 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 43103% 43104"Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow 43105is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see 43106before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw 43107this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole 43108being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to 43109work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes 43110itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I 43111slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the 43112difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. 43113I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for 43114a moment and then log off." 43115% 43116Technological progress has merely provided us 43117with more efficient means for going backwards. 43118 -- Aldous Huxley 43119% 43120Teeth for meat are in the mouth -- 43121Teeth for humans are in the soul. 43122A strong body defeats one, 43123A strong soul conquers many. 43124 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 43125% 43126Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. 43127 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 43128% 43129Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before 43130you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew 43131but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't 43132already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. 43133 -- Erma Bombeck 43134% 43135Telephone, n.: 43136 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of 43137 making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 43138 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 43139% 43140Telepression, n.: 43141 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not 43142 try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead 43143 put the burden on the directory assistant. 43144 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 43145% 43146Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. 43147 -- Ernie Kovacs 43148% 43149Television -- the longest amateur night in history. 43150 -- Robert Carson 43151% 43152Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs. 43153 -- Alfred Hitchcock 43154% 43155Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than 43156each other. 43157 -- Ann Landers 43158% 43159Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. 43160 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs 43161% 43162Television is now so desperately hungry for material 43163that it is scraping the top of the barrel. 43164 -- Gore Vidal 43165% 43166Television only proves that people will look at anything -- 43167rather than each other. 43168% 43169Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll 43170believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have 43171to touch to be sure. 43172% 43173Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 43174Is those things arms, or is they legs? 43175I marvel at thee, Octopus; 43176If I were thou, I'd call me us. 43177 -- Ogden Nash 43178% 43179Tell me what to think!!! 43180% 43181Tell me why the stars do shine, 43182Tell me why the ivy twines, 43183Tell me why the sky's so blue, 43184And I will tell you just why I love you. 43185 43186 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine, 43187 Phototropism makes ivy twine, 43188 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue, 43189 Sexual hormones are why I love you. 43190% 43191Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally 43192promoting a falsehood, isn't it? 43193 -- A. Hope 43194% 43195Tempt me with a spoon! 43196% 43197Tempt not a desperate man. 43198 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 43199% 43200Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 43201shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 43202 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 43203entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a 43204seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out 43205of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a 43206word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket 43207and handed the others to Dutsky. 43208 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 43209% 43210Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. 43211 -- Napoleon I 43212% 43213Ten years of rejection slips is nature's 43214way of telling you to stop writing. 43215 -- R. Geis 43216% 43217Terence, this is stupid stuff: 43218You eat your victuals fast enough; 43219There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 43220To see the rate you drink your beer. 43221But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 43222It gives a chap the belly-ache. 43223The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 43224It sleeps well the horned head: 43225We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 43226To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 43227Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 43228Your friends to death before their time. 43229Moping, melancholy mad: 43230Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 43231 -- A. E. Housman 43232% 43233Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave 43234school, and then work, work, work till we die. 43235 -- C. S. Lewis 43236% 43237Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising 43238amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered 43239the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling 43240to risk offending God's grandmother. 43241 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 43242% 43243Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a 43244pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until 43245about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is 43246ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe 43247because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical 43248fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately 43249credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is 43250certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, 43251he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and 43252contemptuously rejected it. 43253 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types" 43254 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic 43255 Church. Ed.] 43256% 43257Test for paraquat: 43258 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's 43259 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, 43260 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium 43261 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present, 43262 the solution will turn blue-green. 43263% 43264Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence. 43265 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 43266% 43267Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 43268% 43269TEUTONIC: 43270 Not enough gin. 43271% 43272TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this 43273century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in 43274terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. 43275 -- Gordon Bell 43276% 43277Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean 43278of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities. 43279"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the 43280unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter 43281the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he 43282told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach", 43283the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. 43284"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and 43285called you from here." 43286% 43287Texas is Hell on woman and horses. 43288 -- Wayne Oakes 43289% 43290Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. 43291% 43292Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even 43293one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. 43294 -- J. Finnegan, USC 43295% 43296Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies. 43297 -- Adolf Hitler 43298% 43299Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. 43300 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly 43301% 43302Thank you for observing all safety precautions. 43303% 43304That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. 43305 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" 43306% 43307That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver. 43308 -- Foghorn Leghorn 43309% 43310That does not compute. 43311% 43312...that FC loop thing sucks. 43313So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits, 43314wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!" 43315 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL 43316% 43317That feeling just came over me. 43318 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" 43319% 43320That government is best which governs least. 43321 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience" 43322% 43323That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, 43324that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love 43325in the same way as us. 43326 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 43327% 43328That money talks, 43329I'll not deny, 43330I heard it once, 43331It said "Good-bye. 43332 -- Richard Armour 43333% 43334That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. 43335 -- Moliere 43336% 43337That secret you've been guarding, isn't. 43338% 43339That segment of the community with which one has the greatest 43340sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most 43341narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. 43342% 43343That, that is, is. 43344That, that is not, is not. 43345That, that is, is not that, that is not. 43346That, that is not, is not that, that is. 43347% 43348...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by 43349the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on 43350hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. 43351A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the 43352liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the 43353REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... 43354 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan 43355% 43356That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. 43357% 43358That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 43359 -- Dorothy Parker 43360% 43361That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is 43362remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not 43363write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. 43364 -- Heine 43365% 43366That's always the way when you discover 43367something new; everyone thinks you're crazy. 43368 -- Evelyn E. Smith 43369% 43370That's life. 43371 What's life? 43372A magazine. 43373 How much does it cost? 43374Two-fifty. 43375 I only have a dollar. 43376That's life. 43377% 43378That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone 43379who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that 43380thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that 43381thing is, so it can't hurt you no more. 43382 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" 43383% 43384"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be 43385omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l." 43386 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 43387% 43388That's no moon... 43389 -- Obi-wan Kenobi 43390% 43391That's odd. That's very odd. 43392Wouldn't you say that's very odd? 43393% 43394That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. 43395 -- Neil Armstrong 43396% 43397That's the most fun I've had without laughing. 43398 -- Woody Allen, on sex 43399% 43400That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they 43401really hate is lousy programmers. 43402 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" 43403% 43404That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows 43405returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. 43406 -- Bill Veeck 43407% 43408That's what she said. 43409% 43410That's where the money was. 43411 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank 43412 43413It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. 43414 -- Willie Sutton 43415% 43416The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. 43417 -- R. B. Greenberg 43418% 43419The 357.73 Theory -- 43420 Auditors always reject expense accounts 43421 with a bottom line divisible by 5. 43422% 43423The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 43424% 43425The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. 43426Don't ever do this to my eyes again. 43427 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College 43428% 43429The Abrams' Principle: 43430 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 43431% 43432The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. 43433 -- T. Cheatham 43434% 43435The absent ones are always at fault. 43436% 43437The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. 43438 -- A. Camus 43439% 43440The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. 43441 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 43442% 43443The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. 43444 -- Clifton Fadiman 43445% 43446The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither 43447hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that 43448makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain 43449undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely 43450anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal. 43451 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930 43452% 43453The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one 43454does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. 43455 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour" 43456% 43457The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper 43458 -- Thomas Jefferson 43459% 43460The Advertising Agency Song: 43461 43462 When your client's hopping mad, 43463 Put his picture in the ad. 43464 If he still should prove refractory, 43465 Add a picture of his factory. 43466% 43467The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that 43468he is already degraded. 43469 -- George Orwell 43470% 43471The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex 43472facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. 43473 -- Whitehead 43474% 43475The alarm clock that is louder than God's own 43476belongs to the roommate with the earliest class. 43477% 43478The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. 43479For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. 43480 -- Bart Miller 43481% 43482The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug 43483someone with it. 43484 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 43485% 43486The all-softening overpowering knell, 43487The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. 43488 -- Lord Byron 43489% 43490The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see 43491fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen. 43492 -- Winston Churchill, 1942 43493% 43494The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends 43495to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon. 43496 43497Film at 11:00. 43498% 43499The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the 43500eagle -- on the back of a dollar. 43501 -- Finley Peter Dunne 43502% 43503The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, 43504call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great 43505opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. 43506 -- Al Capone 43507% 43508The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the 43509pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond. 43510% 43511The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured 43512in billigrahams. 43513% 43514The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns 43515just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. 43516 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer 43517% 43518The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists 43519of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown 43520Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, 43521even better, nobody has to play it. 43522 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 43523% 43524The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: 43525 I don't mind... and you don't matter. 43526 43527 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana 43528% 43529The Angels want to wear my red shoes. 43530 -- E. Costello 43531% 43532The anger of a woman is the greatest evil 43533with which you can threaten your enemies. 43534 -- Bonnard 43535% 43536The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from 43537sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. 43538 -- Salvador De Madariaga 43539% 43540The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. 43541 -- Albertano of Brescia 43542% 43543The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither 43544doctors nor lawyers. 43545 -- L. Docquier 43546% 43547The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in 43548session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, 43549advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of 43550publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivaled alle- 43551giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it, 43552we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of 43553book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the 43554field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu- 43555ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be 43556very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out- 43557lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for 43558courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S., 43559[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been 43560arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right 43561time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially 43562for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as 43563then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- 43564 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk, 43565 And dare not stray to ideas new, 43566 For if t'were tried they might e'en work 43567 And for a living what woulds't we do? 43568% 43569The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends 43570for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic 43571bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself 43572constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are 43573all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by 43574neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby 43575Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it 43576would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the 43577desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by 43578fire-fighting aircraft. 43579 43580 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog 43581% 43582The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... 43583 43584 Four day work week, 43585 Two ply toilet paper! 43586% 43587The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was 43588released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, 43589Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. 43590% 43591The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go 43592and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. 43593All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. 43594"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows 43595their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. 43596Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how 43597the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need 43598logs to multiply." 43599% 43600The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will 43601never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive 43602and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read 43603through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. 43604 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer 43605% 43606The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 43607Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 43608and color, but also on ability. 43609 -- T. Lehrer 43610% 43611The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 43612 -- Bill Murray 43613% 43614The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use 43615in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 43616Declaration not for that, but for future use. 43617 -- Abraham Lincoln 43618% 43619The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that 43620Jupiter can have no satellites: 43621 43622 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two 43623eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two 43624unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent. 43625From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven 43626metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number 43627of planets is necessarily seven. [...] 43628 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and 43629therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless 43630and therefore do not exist. 43631% 43632The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. 43633% 43634The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she 43635knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. 43636 -- Ladies' Home Journal 43637% 43638The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in 43639the morning feeling just terrible. 43640 -- Jean Kerr 43641% 43642The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM. 43643% 43644The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling 43645a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. 43646% 43647The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero. 43648% 43649The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from 43650one graveyard to another. 43651 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" 43652% 43653The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain 43654disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help 43655feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is 43656their father. 43657 -- H. L. Mencken 43658% 43659The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the 43660average man can see better than he can think. 43661% 43662The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned 43663into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. 43664 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work" 43665% 43666The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that 43667carries any reward. 43668 -- John Maynard Keynes 43669% 43670The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by 43671people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried 43672anything. 43673 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore 43674% 43675The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn, 43676Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn, 43677And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone, 43678 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS! 43679 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days" 43680% 43681The bank sent our statement this morning, 43682The red ink was a sight of great awe! 43683Their figures and mine might have balanced, 43684But my wife was too quick on the draw. 43685% 43686The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than 43687cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and 43688difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, 43689which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- 43690here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO 43691RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you 43692want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking 43693lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a 43694squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out 43695and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, 43696his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was 43697neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking 43698lots. 43699 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 43700% 43701The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit 43702called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in 43703writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would 43704be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices 43705immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a 43706bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special 43707Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of 43708paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty 43709would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. 43710The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to 43711emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood 43712Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." 43713 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 43714% 43715The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd 43716And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; 43717The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth 43718And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. 43719These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. 43720 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 43721% 43722THE BEATLES: 43723 Paul McCartney's old back-up band. 43724% 43725The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. 43726 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike 43727 43728 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I 43729 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only 43730 Memory". Ed.] 43731% 43732The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. 43733 -- Maurice Baring 43734% 43735The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 43736but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 43737% 43738The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, 43739 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. 43740Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, 43741 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. 43742The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, 43743 live with a British wife, and eat American food. 43744 -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine 43745% 43746The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 43747 -- W. C. Fields 43748% 43749The best defense against logic is ignorance. 43750% 43751The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- 43752but doesn't. 43753 -- Tom Crichton 43754% 43755The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. 43756 -- Scotty 43757% 43758The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. 43759However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours 43760by judging things by their price. 43761% 43762The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do 43763what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with 43764them while they do it. 43765 -- Theodore Roosevelt 43766% 43767The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department. 43768% 43769The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. 43770 -- Blair 43771% 43772The best man for the job is often a woman. 43773% 43774The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good 43775head waiter. 43776 -- Nubar Gulbenkian 43777% 43778The best portion of a good man's life, his little, 43779nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. 43780 -- Wordsworth 43781% 43782The best prophet of the future is the past. 43783% 43784The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the 43785redoubtable John W. Campbell: 43786 43787 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the 43788 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now 43789 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is 43790 being read by a corpse. 43791% 43792The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and 43793fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are 43794drifting side by side to our common doom. 43795 -- Clarence Darrow 43796% 43797The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected 43798company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie. 43799% 43800The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 43801% 43802The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. 43803% 43804The best things in life are for a fee. 43805% 43806The best things in life go on sale sooner or later. 43807% 43808The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared. 43809% 43810The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities." 43811% 43812The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. 43813% 43814The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. 43815% 43816The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them 43817is a match. 43818 -- Will Rogers 43819% 43820The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to 43821smoke is a right worth dying for. 43822% 43823The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around 43824scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but 43825when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward 43826way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention. 43827Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't 43828work either.... They tried it during Prohibition. 43829 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler 43830% 43831The best you get is an even break. 43832 -- Franklin Adams 43833% 43834The better part of valor is discretion. 43835 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 43836% 43837The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. 43838To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. 43839 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 43840% 43841The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments 43842to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. 43843It's just that they need more supervision. 43844% 43845The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could 43846never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. 43847 -- Abraham Lincoln 43848% 43849The Bible on letters of reference: 43850 43851 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do 43852we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? 43853No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any 43854man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. 43855 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation 43856% 43857The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. 43858 -- Nora Ephron 43859% 43860The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted 43861themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate 43862this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are 43863hungry all the time? 43864% 43865The bigger the theory the better. 43866% 43867The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. 43868 -- Merrick Furst 43869% 43870The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are 43871working for someone else. 43872% 43873The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has 43874occurred. 43875% 43876The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... 43877and the bird is on the wing. 43878 -- Omar Khayyam 43879% 43880The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals 43881because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage 43882and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in 43883Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens 43884of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage 43885containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist 43886put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels 43887of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." 43888% 43889The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. 43890% 43891The bogosity meter just pegged. 43892% 43893The bold youth of today is very lonely. 43894 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 43895% 43896The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. 43897 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project 43898% 43899The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first 43900half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and 43901pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who 43902hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice 43903for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time 43904during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it 43905but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. 43906 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 43907% 43908The boy stood on the burning deck, 43909Eating peanuts by the peck. 43910His father called him, but he could not go, 43911For he loved those peanuts so. 43912% 43913The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment 43914you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. 43915% 43916The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development: 43917 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 43918 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add 43919 one, and convert to the next higher units. 43920% 43921The British are coming! The British are coming! 43922% 43923The broad mass of a nation... will more easily 43924fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. 43925 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 43926% 43927The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing 43928and humiliating reality. 43929 -- Oscar Wilde 43930% 43931The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a 43932digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top 43933of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean 43934the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. 43935 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 43936% 43937The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. 43938Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in 43939automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. 43940 -- Art Buchwald 43941% 43942The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only 43943the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. 43944 -- Kay Bostic 43945% 43946The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State 43947Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George 43948Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his 43949time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last 43950Days of Pompeii." 43951 43952Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, 43953beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord 43954Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," 43955written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: 43956 43957 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except 43958 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of 43959 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene 43960 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty 43961 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. 43962% 43963The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding 43964bureaucracy. 43965% 43966The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the 43967flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language. 43968% 43969The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better 43970people, and don't come in clearly enough. 43971 -- Bill Maher 43972% 43973The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted 43974sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first 43975time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve 43976into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent 43977with Basil. 43978 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 43979% 43980The camel has a single hump; 43981The dromedary two; 43982Or else the other way around. 43983I'm never sure. Are you? 43984 -- Ogden Nash 43985% 43986The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly 43987greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed 43988inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner 43989party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. 43990 -- H. L. Mencken 43991% 43992The carbonyl is polarized, 43993The delta end is plus. 43994The nucleophile will thus attack, 43995The carbon nucleus. 43996Addition makes an alcohol, 43997Of types there are but three. 43998It makes a bond, to correspond, 43999From C to shining C. 44000 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful" 44001% 44002The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. 44003 -- Herbert von Fritzlar 44004% 44005The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction. 44006% 44007The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain. 44008 -- G. Fitch 44009% 44010The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and 44011sometimes three. 44012 -- Alexandre Dumas 44013% 44014The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 44015at the steam fitters' picnic. 44016% 44017The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. 44018 -- Alfred Adler 44019% 44020The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense. 44021 -- Picasso 44022% 44023The church is near but the road is icy, 44024the bar is far away but I will walk carefully. 44025 -- Russian Proverb 44026% 44027The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. 44028 -- Elbert Hubbard 44029% 44030The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, 44031specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of 44032rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine... 44033% 44034The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. 44035% 44036The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. 44037 -- John Muir 44038% 44039The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; 44040the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a 44041military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and 44042private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; 44043and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes 44044who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. 44045 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" 44046% 44047The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 44048% 44049The closest to perfection a person ever comes 44050is when he fills out a job application form. 44051 -- Stanley J. Randall 44052% 44053The clothes have no emperor. 44054 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA 44055% 44056The coast was clear. 44057 -- Lope de Vega 44058% 44059The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his 44060intellectual nakedness. 44061 -- Robert M. Hutchins 44062% 44063The Commandments of the EE: 44064 440651: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser 44066 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 44067 embarrassing manner. 440682: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to 44069 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this 44070 earthly vale of tears. 440713: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon 44072 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift 44073 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like 44074 a radiator too. 440754: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional 44076 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely 44077 unbelievers. 44078% 44079The Commandments of the EE: 44080 440815: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the 44082 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate 44083 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company 44084 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has 44085 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent. 440866: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, 44087 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring 44088 the fury of the engineers on his head. 440897: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy 44090 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling 44091 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee. 440928: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, 44093 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in 44094 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker 44095 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold. 44096% 44097The Commandments of the EE: 44098 440999: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou 44100 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be 44101 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages. 4410210: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are 44103 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code, 44104 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when 44105 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician. 4410611: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or 44107 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better 44108 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than 44109 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an 44110 innocent-seeming device. 44111% 44112The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag. 44113% 44114The computer gets faster! --Moore-- 44115% 44116The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of 44117entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and 4411850's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into 44119the 80's. 44120 -- Marty Winston 44121% 44122The computer is to the information industry roughly what the 44123central power station is to the electrical industry. 44124 -- Peter Drucker 44125% 44126The Computer made me do it. 44127% 44128The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 44129 -- Alan J. Perlis 44130% 44131The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been 44132defined several times by examples of what it is not. 44133% 44134The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his 44135memos. 44136 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 44137% 44138The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems 44139and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting 44140language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best 44141dangerous. 44142 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 44143% 44144The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other 44145subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up 44146every bird watcher in the country. 44147 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 44148% 44149The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better 44150than what we've got! 44151% 44152The Consultant's Curse: 44153 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him 44154what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong 44155medicine, and is normally only required once. 44156% 44157The control of the production of wealth 44158is the control of human life itself. 44159 -- Hilaire Belloc 44160% 44161The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 44162none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 44163Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 44164Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 44165talked about. 44166 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 44167% 44168The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! 44169% 44170The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. 44171 -- W. C. Fields 44172% 44173The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 44174% 44175The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 44176% 44177The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first 44178female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, 44179rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what 44180would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my 44181career. 44182 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 44183% 44184The course of true anything never does run smooth. 44185 -- Samuel Butler 44186% 44187The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the 44188judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. 44189Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and 44190ceremoniously handed it to the defendant. 44191 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a 44192father!" 44193% 44194The covers of this book are too far apart. 44195 -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book 44196% 44197The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. 44198 -- John McNulty 44199% 44200The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas 44201Instruments. 44202 -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe" 44203% 44204The Crown is full of it! 44205 -- Nate Harris, 1775 44206% 44207The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore 44208be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be 44209propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war 44210and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace, 44211assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark 44212of all our rights and privileges. 44213 -- William Ellery Channing 44214% 44215The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the 44216words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*. 44217 -- Susan Dooley 44218% 44219The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. 44220 -- Andy Purshottam 44221% 44222The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch 44223a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth! 44224% 44225The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. 44226Every class is unfit to govern. 44227 -- Lord Acton 44228% 44229The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of 44230plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... 44231Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not 44232be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides 44233agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at 44234nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal 44235that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine 44236years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. 44237 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks 44238% 44239The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, 44240and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. 44241 -- Henry David Thoreau 44242% 44243The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. 44244% 44245The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being 44246as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of 44247the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the 44248dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with 44249this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine 44250doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. 44251 -- Thomas Jefferson 44252% 44253The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. 44254% 44255The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction 44256to a tedious book. 44257% 44258The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us 44259who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie 44260Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 44261% 44262The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 44263% 44264The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by 44265accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B. 44266Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator. 44267 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews 44268% 44269The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous. 44270% 44271The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the 44272Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing". 44273% 44274The degree of civilization in a society 44275can be judged by entering its prisons. 44276 -- F. Dostoyevski 44277% 44278The degree of technical confidence is inversely 44279proportional to the level of management. 44280% 44281The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older 44282people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. 44283 -- Logan Pearsall Smith 44284% 44285The departing division general manager met a last time with his young 44286successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me, 44287and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign 44288of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the 44289second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. 44290Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes 44291into a drawer. 44292 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the 44293young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." 44294 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The 44295crisis passed. 44296 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered 44297manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize." 44298 He held another press conference, announcing that the division 44299would be restructured. The crisis passed. 44300 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was 44301blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank 44302into his chair, and opened the third envelope. 44303 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said. 44304% 44305The descent to Hades is the same from every place. 44306 -- Anaxagoras 44307% 44308The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. 44309 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 44310% 44311The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 44312% 44313The devil finds work for idle glands. 44314% 44315The die is cast. 44316 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 44317% 44318The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week. 44319% 44320The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. 44321% 44322The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is 44323exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. 44324 -- Mark Twain 44325% 44326The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into 44327the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, 44328it would be a calamity. 44329 -- Benjamin Disraeli 44330% 44331The difference between America and England is, the English think 100 44332miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. 44333% 44334The difference between art and science is that science is what we 44335understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. 44336 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover" 44337% 44338The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is 44339thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia 44340is thinking that they're conspiring. 44341 -- J. Kegler 44342% 44343The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're 44344called. Cats take a message and get back to you. 44345% 44346The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. 44347% 44348The difference between legal separation and divorce is 44349that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money. 44350% 44351The difference between reality and unreality 44352is that reality has so little to recommend it. 44353 -- Allan Sherman 44354% 44355The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 44356requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 44357 -- Robert A. Heinlein 44358% 44359The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: 44360Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a 44361rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when 44362swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian. 44363 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague" 44364% 44365The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When 44366you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you 44367swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is 44368sentimentality. 44369 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 44370% 44371The difference between the right word and the almost right word 44372is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. 44373 -- Mark Twain 44374% 44375The difference between this place and yogurt 44376is that yogurt has a live culture. 44377% 44378The difference between us is not very far, 44379cruising for burgers in daddy's new car. 44380% 44381The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. 44382 -- T. K. 44383% 44384The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. 44385% 44386The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in 44387the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians 44388work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. 44389 -- Russell Baker 44390% 44391The discerning person is always at a disadvantage. 44392% 44393The disks are getting full; purge a file today. 44394% 44395The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; 44396naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. 44397 -- Ambrose Bierce 44398% 44399The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the 44400following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 44401 44402 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. 44403Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is 44404Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 44405 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. 44406Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 44407Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. 44408Macaroons are _v_e_r_y Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is 44409goyish. Lime soda is _v_e_r_y goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that 44410Jews won't go near them." 44411 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 44412% 44413The distinction between true and false appears to become 44414increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language. 44415 -- Arne Tiselius 44416% 44417The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on 44418a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. 44419% 44420The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in 44421the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, 44422and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. 44423 -- John Adams 44424% 44425The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man 44426really clever who has not found that he is stupid. 44427 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson 44428% 44429The door is the key. 44430% 44431The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off 44432this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next 44433hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, 44434the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned 44435it to his master. 44436 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 44437 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." 44438% 44439The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance 44440of the woman. 44441 -- Honore de Balzac 44442% 44443The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. 44444% 44445The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. 44446% 44447The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 44448and owns the worm farm. 44449 -- Travis McGee 44450% 44451The early worm gets the late bird. 44452% 44453The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 44454% 44455The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and 44456add ten percent. 44457% 44458The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly 44459teaches me to suspect that my own is also. 44460 44461I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it 44462or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his 44463hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. 44464But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a 44465valuable possession to him. 44466 44467I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good 44468end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order 44469to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall 44470have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable 44471enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him 44472roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews 44473would tire of the spectacle eventually. 44474 -- Mark Twain 44475% 44476The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on 44477weather forecasters. 44478 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann 44479% 44480The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it 44481*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. 44482 -- Mel Brooks 44483% 44484The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune. 44485% 44486"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not 44487Compute' -- I forget which." 44488 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 44489% 44490The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed 44491to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics 44492Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With". 44493The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the 44494Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the 44495first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect 44496that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking 44497over the post of robotics correspondent. 44498 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that 44499had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in 44500the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics 44501Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the 44502wall when the revolution came". 44503% 44504The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. 44505 -- Buckminster Fuller 44506% 44507The end of labor is to gain leisure. 44508% 44509The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of 44510civilization. 44511 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 44512% 44513The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with 44514symposium to follow. 44515% 44516The ends justify the means. 44517 -- after Matthew Prior 44518% 44519The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind 44520of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation 44521of these atoms is talking moonshine. 44522 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for 44523 the first time 44524% 44525The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable 44526in full pursuit of the uneatable. 44527 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" 44528% 44529The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach 44530their children to speak it. 44531 -- George Bernard Shaw 44532% 44533The English instinctively admire any man 44534who has no talent and is modest about it. 44535 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic 44536% 44537The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic 44538purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took 44539place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year 44540before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from 44541all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often 44542result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, 44543relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a 44544Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. 44545 44546 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." 44547 "What kind of family do you come from?" 44548 "A rich, Jewish family." 44549 "And your wife?" 44550 "A German aristocrat." 44551 "Have you ever been to the West?" 44552 "I spent most of my life in England." 44553 "How did you make a living there?" 44554 "A friend supported me." 44555 "Where did you get the money from?" 44556 "He owned a textile factory." 44557 "Who was Lenin?" 44558 "Never heard of him." 44559 "What is your name?" 44560 "Karl Marx." 44561% 44562The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute 44563for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is 44564a substitute for intelligence. 44565 -- Lyman Bryson 44566% 44567The eternal feminine draws us upward. 44568 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 44569% 44570The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. 44571 -- Anne Boleyn 44572% 44573The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions 44574is the most likely to be correct. 44575 -- William of Occam 44576% 44577The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, 44578the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its 44579own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god 44580of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god 44581of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together 44582what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas 44583everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and 44584so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes 44585in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died. 44586 -- Chuang Tzu 44587% 44588The eyes of taxes are upon you. 44589% 44590The eyes of Texas are upon you, 44591All the livelong day; 44592The eyes of Texas are upon you, 44593You cannot get away; 44594Do not think you can escape them 44595From night 'til early in the morn; 44596The eyes of Texas are upon you 44597'Til Gabriel blows his horn. 44598 -- University of Texas' school song 44599% 44600The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not 44601utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, 44602a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. 44603 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929 44604% 44605The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a 44606remarkable Christian forbearance among men. 44607 -- Ambrose Bierce 44608% 44609The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics 44610in general as no other can. 44611 -- Wilhelm Reich 44612% 44613The fact that it works is immaterial. 44614 -- L. Ogborn 44615% 44616The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily 44617endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or 44618compassion. 44619 -- Saul Alinsky 44620% 44621The fall of the USSR proves you wrong. 44622 -- Aryeh M. Friedman 44623% 44624The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. 44625% 44626The farther you go, the less you know. 44627 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching" 44628% 44629The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. 44630 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 44631% 44632The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept 44633outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to 44634say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth, 44635so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists 44636so long as they are Tories. 44637 -- Christopher Booker 44638% 44639The faster I go, the behinder I get. 44640 -- Lewis Carroll, 44641 "Through the Looking-Glass, 44642 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 44643% 44644The faster we go, the rounder we get. 44645 -- The Grateful Dead 44646% 44647The Fastest Defeat In Chess 44648 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess 44649master. 44650 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a 44651Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so 44652chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort 44653of their own homes. 44654 Lazard was black and Gibaud white: 44655 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3 44656 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4 44657 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5 44658 4: P-KR3, Kt-K6/ 44659 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve 44660either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. 44661 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 44662% 44663The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a 44664business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the 44665lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes 44666of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, 44667 "Whaddaya want?" 44668 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. 44669 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch." 44670% 44671The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer 44672and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown 44673suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, 44674I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not 44675dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the 44676quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, 44677and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural 44678for them to despise science fiction. 44679 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Science Fiction" 44680% 44681The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he 44682wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. 44683 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to 44684you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made 44685the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play 44686center at Notre Dame." 44687 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five 44688times." 44689% 44690"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his 44691supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, 44692anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their 44693husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism 44694and become lesbians." 44695% 44696The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm: 44697 (1) write down the problem. 44698 (2) think very hard. 44699 (3) write down the answer. 44700 -- Murray Gell-Mann 44701% 44702The Fifth Rule: 44703 You have taken yourself too seriously. 44704% 44705The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. 44706 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" 44707% 44708The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons. 44709% 44710The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. 44711% 44712The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, 44713the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 44714% 44715The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is 44716the Bible. 44717 -- John Quincy Adams 44718 44719All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; 44720but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable 44721to man are contained in it. 44722 -- Abraham Lincoln 44723 44724... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of 44725life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only 44726guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. 44727 -- Woodrow Wilson 44728% 44729The First Commandment for Technicians: 44730 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 44731capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 44732untechnician-like manner. 44733% 44734The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 44735 -- Abbie Hoffman 44736% 44737The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 44738Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a 44739tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad 44740forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously 44741fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of 44742threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked 44743suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of 44744foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead 44745one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with 44746dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found 44747drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown 44748and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 44749thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture 44750of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left 44751in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed 44752crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave 44753Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when 44754a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful 44755throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. 44756 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 44757% 44758The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? 44759 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist 44760% 44761The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, 44762and the second half by our children. 44763 -- Clarence Darrow 44764% 44765The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, 44766and the second the triumph of hope over experience. 44767% 44768The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of 44769management is that success equals skill. 44770 -- Robert Heller 44771% 44772The first requisite for immortality is death. 44773 -- Stanislaw Lem 44774% 44775The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish 44776child, was propounded to me by my father: 44777 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and 44778whistles?" 44779 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity 44780gave up. 44781 "A herring," said my father. 44782 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 44783 "So hang it there." 44784 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 44785 "Paint it." 44786 "But a herring isn't wet." 44787 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 44788 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring 44789doesn't whistle!!" 44790 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it 44791hard." 44792 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" 44793% 44794The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." 44795 -- H. L. Mencken 44796% 44797The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 44798 -- Paul Erlich 44799% 44800The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your 44801hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do. 44802 -- McCloctnik the Lucid 44803% 44804The First Rule of Program Optimization: 44805 Don't do it. 44806 44807The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 44808 Don't do it yet. 44809 -- Michael Jackson 44810% 44811The first thing I do in the morning 44812is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. 44813 -- Dorothy Parker 44814% 44815The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. 44816 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV 44817% 44818The first time, it's a KLUDGE! 44819The second, a trick. 44820Later, it's a well-established technique! 44821 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics 44822% 44823The first version always gets thrown away. 44824% 44825The five rules of Socialism: 44826 44827 1. Don't think. 44828 2. If you do think, don't speak. 44829 3. If you think and speak, don't write. 44830 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign. 44831 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised. 44832 44833 -- being told in Poland, 1987 44834% 44835...the flaw that makes perfection perfect. 44836% 44837The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. 44838 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 44839% 44840The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. 44841 -- Alan Coult 44842% 44843The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions 44844Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: 44845 44846As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of 44847logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more 44848appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the 44849four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. 44850 . . . 44851Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible 44852blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves 44853parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge 44854of the hyper-cube. 44855% 44856The following statement is not true. 44857The previous statement is true. 44858% 44859The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: 44860 44861 1. You can't push on a string. 44862 2. Ain't no free lunches. 44863 3. Them as has, gets. 44864 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all. 44865% 44866The Force is what holds everything together. 44867It has its dark side, and it has its light side. 44868It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. 44869% 44870The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money 44871completely surrounded by people who want some. 44872 -- Dwight MacDonald 44873% 44874The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe 44875because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons 44876rests on mutual help. 44877 -- Laukikanyay 44878% 44879The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions 44880and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 44881% 44882The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused 44883received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities. 44884% 44885The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip 44886objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air 44887due to levitation. 44888 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur 44889if the character does not have fire resistance. 44890 -- README file from the NetHack game 44891% 44892The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and 44893vinyl. 44894 -- Dave Barry 44895% 44896[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. 44897 -- W. Somerset Maugham 44898% 44899The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 44900number of your kids by thirty-two teeth. 44901% 44902The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend 44903of both parties tactfully interferes. 44904 -- G. K. Chesterton 44905% 44906The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, 44907but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. 44908 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist 44909% 44910The future is a myth created by insurance 44911salesmen and high school counselors. 44912% 44913The future is a race between education and catastrophe. 44914 -- H. G. Wells 44915% 44916The future is going to be boring. 44917 -- J. G. Ballard 44918% 44919The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) 44920% 44921The future lies ahead. 44922% 44923The future not being born, my friend, 44924we will abstain from baptizing it. 44925 -- George Meredith 44926% 44927The garden is in mourning; 44928The rain falls cool among the flowers. 44929Summer shivers quietly 44930On its way towards its end. 44931 44932Golden leaf after leaf 44933Falls from the tall acacia. 44934Summer smiles, astonished, feeble, 44935In this dying dream of a garden. 44936 44937For a long while, yet, in the roses, 44938She will linger on, yearning for peace, 44939And slowly 44940Close her weary eyes. 44941 -- Hermann Hesse, "September" 44942% 44943The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. 44944% 44945The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the 44946people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people 44947drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. 44948 -- Gore Vidal 44949% 44950The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. 44951% 44952The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 44953% 44954The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled 44955today. 44956% 44957The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even 44958remember her first husband. 44959% 44960The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. 44961% 44962The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear. 44963 -- Sophia Loren 44964% 44965The glances over cocktails 44966That seemed to be so sweet 44967Don't seem quite so amorous 44968Over Shredded Wheat 44969% 44970The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at 44971least until we've finished building it. 44972% 44973The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. 44974The goal of nature is to build better mice. 44975% 44976The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. 44977They gave him love and he invented marriage. 44978% 44979The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it 44980is your move. 44981 -- Frank Crane 44982% 44983The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: 44984 He who has the gold makes the rules. 44985% 44986The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who 44987make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians 44988have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine 44989man in the bonds of Hell. 44990 -- St. Augustine 44991% 44992The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 44993to be good. 44994 -- John Barrymore 44995% 44996The good (I am convinced, for one) 44997Is but the bad one leaves undone. 44998Once your reputation's done 44999You can live a life of fun. 45000 -- Wilhelm Busch 45001% 45002The good life was so elusive 45003It really got me down 45004I had to regain some confidence 45005So I got into camouflage 45006% 45007The good time is approaching, 45008The season is at hand. 45009When the merry click of the two-base lick 45010Will be heard throughout the land. 45011The frost still lingers on the earth, and 45012Budless are the trees. 45013But the merry ring of the voice of spring 45014Is borne upon the breeze. 45015 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886 45016% 45017The Gordian Maxim: 45018If a string has one end, it has another. 45019% 45020The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out 45021to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work 45022and they can't fire it. 45023% 45024The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of 45025statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are 45026extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive 45027displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every 45028case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts 45029down anything he damn well pleases. 45030 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 45031% 45032The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. 45033Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people 45034and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. 45035% 45036The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the 45037Christian Religion 45038 -- George Washington 45039% 45040The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, 45041with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the 45042fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent 45043for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, 45044"Send Lord Combermere." 45045 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord 45046Combermere a fool." 45047 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." 45048 -- G. W. E. Russell 45049% 45050The goys have proven the following theorem... 45051 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom 45052 lecture. 45053% 45054The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all 45055who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. 45056 -- Benjamin Franklin 45057% 45058The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. 45059% 45060The grave's a fine and private place, 45061but none, I think, do there embrace. 45062 -- Andrew Marvell 45063% 45064The graveyards are full of indispensable men. 45065 -- Charles de Gaulle 45066% 45067The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 45068 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in 45069courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk 45070clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods 45071of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 45072Hedgehog Eater. 45073 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 45074% 45075The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. 45076 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" 45077% 45078The Great Movie Posters: 45079 45080*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee* 45081With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story. 45082 -- Tea with a Kick (1924) 45083 45084Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks! 45085GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE! 45086 -- The Wild Party (1929) 45087 45088YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE! 45089DIX -- the dashing soldier! 45090 DIX -- the bold adventurer! 45091 DIX -- the throbbing lover! 45092 -- The Wheel of Life (1929) 45093 45094SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE 45095SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"! 45096 -- The Night is Young (1934) 45097% 45098The Great Movie Posters: 45099 45100A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an 45101unimaginable hell. 45102 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967) 45103 45104NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL! 45105 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968) 45106 45107LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF 45108SLAUGHTER! 45109 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969) 45110 45111The family that slays together stays together. 45112 -- Bloody Mama (1970) 45113% 45114The Great Movie Posters: 45115 45116An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS! 45117 -- Squirm (1976) 45118 45119Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours. 45120This Is One of Everlasting Torment! 45121 -- The New House on the Left (1977) 45122 45123WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU! 45124 -- Zombie (1980) 45125 45126It's not human and it's got an axe. 45127 -- The Prey (1981) 45128% 45129The Great Movie Posters: 45130 45131Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding! 45132SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM! 45133... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV! 45134 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972) 45135 45136An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality! 45137 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973) 45138 45139WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY... 45140RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! 45141Alone, only a harmless pet... 45142 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine! 45143 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972) 45144 45145They're Over-Exposed 45146But Not Under-Developed! 45147 -- Cover Girl Models (1976) 45148% 45149The Great Movie Posters: 45150 45151HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! 45152 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959) 45153 45154Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST? 45155Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep. 45156 -- Untamed Mistress (1960) 45157 45158NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE 45159FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI! 45160 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963) 45161% 45162The Great Movie Posters: 45163 45164HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! 45165 -- The Cycle Savages (1969) 45166 45167The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! 45168 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) 45169 45170TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! 45171 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) 45172 45173They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! 45174 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971) 45175% 45176The Great Movie Posters: 45177 45178KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl 45179of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear 45180you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady! 45181 -- Spitfire (1934) 45182 45183Do Native Women Live With Apes? 45184 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937) 45185 45186JUNGLE KISS!! 45187 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she 45188was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes -- 45189she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic 45190spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she 45191was a girl in love! 45192 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES! 45193 -- Her Jungle Love (1938) 45194 45195LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE! 45196 -- Intermezzo (1939) 45197% 45198The Great Movie Posters: 45199 45200POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! 45201 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963) 45202 45203She Sins in Mobile -- 45204Marries in Houston -- 45205Loses Her Baby in Dallas -- 45206Leaves Her Husband in Tucson -- 45207MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... 45208FIRST -- HARLOW! 45209THEN -- MONROE! 45210NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! 45211 -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan 45212 45213*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! 45214A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters... 452151001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! 45216 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title: 45217 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and 45218 Became Mixed Up Zombies) 45219% 45220The Great Movie Posters: 45221 45222SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT! 45223-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO 45224-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU 45225-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI! 45226-- FIRES OF PUBERTY! 45227 SEE the burning of a virgin! 45228 SEE power of witch doctor over women! 45229 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!! 45230 -- Kwaheri (1965) 45231 45232The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex! 45233 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965) 45234 45235AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP- 45236A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN! 45237 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to 45238give you the wim-wams! 45239 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965) 45240% 45241The Great Movie Posters: 45242 45243SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks! 45244SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures! 45245SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner! 45246 -- Sweet and Savage (1983) 45247 45248What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair! 45249 -- Stroker Ace (1983) 45250 45251It's always better when you come again! 45252 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983) 45253 45254You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre! 45255 -- Pieces (1983) 45256% 45257The Great Movie Posters: 45258 45259SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog 45260on a roaring rampage of revenge! 45261 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972) 45262 45263WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB 45264SAUSAGES? 45265 -- Meat is Meat (1972) 45266 45267TODAY the Pond! 45268TOMORROW the World! 45269 -- Frogs (1972) 45270% 45271The Great Movie Posters: 45272 45273She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West! 45274 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949) 45275 45276CAST OF 3,000! 452774 WRITERS, 452782 DIRECTORS, 452793 CAMERAMEN, 452803 PRODUCERS! 452811 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM -- 4528224 YEARS TO REHEARSE -- 4528320 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE! 45284 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS! 45285 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL! 45286THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM! 45287Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to: 45288 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE! 45289 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the 45290 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus. 45291% 45292The Great Movie Posters: 45293 45294The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms! 45295 -- Bwana Devil (1952) 45296 45297OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING! 45298Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of 45299the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the 45300Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World! 45301 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!! 45302 -- Robot Monster (1953) 45303 453041,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, 45305802 scared bulls! 45306 -- The Egyptian (1954) 45307% 45308The Great Movie Posters: 45309 45310The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing 45311horror on a screaming world! 45312 -- The Crawling Eye (1958) 45313 45314SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs, 45315giant desires! 45316 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958) 45317 45318Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex. 45319What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich? 45320Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does... 45321 -- The Desperate Women (1958) 45322% 45323The Great Movie Posters: 45324 45325They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure! 45326SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer! 45327 -- The Golden Mistress (1954) 45328 45329See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out! 45330 -- The French Line (1954) 45331 45332See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! 45333 -- Hot Blood (1956) 45334% 45335The Great Movie Posters: 45336 45337When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make 45338Friends... 45339 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966) 45340 45341Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels! 45342 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966) 45343 45344A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS 45345OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST. 45346 -- A Taste of Blood (1967) 45347% 45348The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations 45349like prostitutes. 45350 -- Stanley Kubrick 45351% 45352The great question that has never been answered and which I have not 45353yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the 45354feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT? 45355 -- Sigmund Freud 45356% 45357The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. 45358At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have 45359answered themselves. 45360 -- Arthur Binstead 45361% 45362The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men 45363of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. 45364 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis 45365% 45366The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers 45367is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. 45368% 45369The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. 45370 -- Sophocles 45371% 45372The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them 45373before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see 45374the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp 45375their wives and daughters to his arms. 45376 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 45377% 45378The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. 45379 -- Polish proverb 45380% 45381The Greatest Mathematical Error 45382 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28 45383July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would 45384give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells 45385would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course 45386corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet, 45387scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. 45388 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I 45389plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. 45390 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from 45391the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch 45392spokesman said. 45393 This minus sign cost L4,280,000. 45394 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45395% 45396The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. 45397% 45398The greatest productive force is human selfishness. 45399 -- Robert A. Heinlein 45400% 45401The greatest remedy for anger is delay. 45402% 45403The groundhog is like most other prophets; 45404it delivers its message and then disappears. 45405% 45406The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead, 45407thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature 45408would have been useful to the chicken. 45409 45410 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction" 45411% 45412The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. 45413 -- J. K. Galbraith 45414% 45415The hardest part of climbing the ladder of 45416success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. 45417% 45418The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 45419 -- Albert Einstein 45420% 45421The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when 45422you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. 45423% 45424The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty 45425deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the 45426author's name on the title page. 45427 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831) 45428% 45429The hatred of relatives is the most violent. 45430 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117) 45431% 45432The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality 45433of functions performed by private citizens. 45434 -- Alexis de Tocqueville 45435% 45436The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 45437whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. 45438% 45439The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. 45440 -- Blaise Pascal 45441% 45442The heart is wiser than the intellect. 45443% 45444...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day. 45445% 45446The heaviest object in the world is the 45447body of the woman you have ceased to love. 45448 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues 45449% 45450The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 45451 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 45452% 45453The help people need most urgently is 45454help in admitting that they need help. 45455% 45456The herd instinct among economists 45457makes sheep look like independent thinkers. 45458% 45459The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, 45460challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that 45461keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents 45462itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb 45463of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, 45464is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of 45465adventurous youth. 45466 -- Benjamin Cardozo 45467% 45468The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, 45469which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at 45470least 5000 years old." 45471% 45472The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. 45473 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad" 45474% 45475The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through 45476three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and 45477Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For 45478instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we 45479eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we 45480have lunch?". 45481 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 45482% 45483The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases 45484are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: 45485 45486Retribution: 45487 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. 45488Anticipation: 45489 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. 45490Diplomacy: 45491 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the 45492 pretext that your brother did it. 45493% 45494The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." 45495 -- Johnny Carson 45496% 45497The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease 45498to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. 45499 -- Helen Rowland 45500% 45501The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and 45502she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. 45503 -- Bill Lawrence 45504% 45505The horror... the horror! 45506% 45507The human animal differs from the lesser 45508primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". 45509 -- H. Allen Smith 45510% 45511The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment 45512you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 45513 -- Sir George Jessel 45514% 45515The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and 45516has gills through which it can see. 45517 -- Monty Python 45518% 45519The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of 45520its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 45521% 45522The human mind treats a new idea the way the 45523body treats a strange protein: it rejects it. 45524 -- P. Medawar 45525% 45526The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember. 45527Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave 45528its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to 45529us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the 45530facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a 45531certain degree of awe. 45532 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 45533% 45534The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 45535 -- Mark Twain 45536% 45537The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that 45538procession but carrying a banner. 45539 -- Mark Twain 45540% 45541The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. 45542 -- David Gerrold 45543% 45544The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons 45545that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. 45546 -- Leo J. Burke 45547% 45548The IBM 2250 is impressive ... 45549if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. 45550 -- D. Cohen 45551% 45552The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". 45553 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" 45554% 45555The idea is to die young as late as possible. 45556 -- Ashley Montague 45557% 45558The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given 45559tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than 45560it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). 45561 -- Doug Gwyn 45562% 45563The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic 45564devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, 45565where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with 45566sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, 45567consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than 45568have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones 45569repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist 45570of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic 45571devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" 45572 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 45573% 45574The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, 45575no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. 45576 -- Harry V. Wade 45577% 45578The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they 45579are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally 45580understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. 45581 -- John Maynard Keynes 45582% 45583The identical is equal to itself, since it is different. 45584 -- Franco Spisani 45585% 45586The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. 45587% 45588The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. 45589 -- Quintus Ennius 45590% 45591The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit 45592longer. 45593 -- Henry Kissinger 45594% 45595The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: 45596 A program is a lot like a nose: 45597 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. 45598% 45599The important thing is not to stop questioning. 45600% 45601The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. 45602% 45603The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf 45604has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know 45605when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. 45606 -- Will Rogers 45607% 45608The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 45609point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 45610important thing to people. 45611 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 45612% 45613The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is 45614a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. 45615 -- Bertrand Russell 45616% 45617The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; 45618the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. 45619 -- Winston Churchill 45620% 45621The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And 45622there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a 45623pointer and a mark. 45624 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" 45625% 45626The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the 45627number of participants. 45628 -- Adam Walinsky 45629% 45630The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling 45631the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without 45632affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new 45633style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into 45634manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and 45635constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by 45636overturning everything. 45637 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. 45638% 45639The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of 45640the group divided by the number of people in the group. 45641% 45642The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free 45643information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a 45644dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a 45645real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. 45646 45647So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never 45648pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big 45649consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 45650 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 45651% 45652The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They 45653treat the Arabs like postmen. 45654 -- Franklyn Ajaye 45655% 45656The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, 45657knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the 45658Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. 45659 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The 45660good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's 45661still in." 45662% 45663The Junior God now heads the roll 45664In the list of heaven's peers; 45665He sits in the House of High Control, 45666And he regulates the spheres. 45667Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, 45668If, even in gods divine, 45669The best and wisest may not be those 45670Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? 45671 -- R. W. Service 45672% 45673The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable 45674debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been 45675revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor 45676quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the 45677resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the 45678workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? 45679Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but 45680to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not 45681hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the 45682nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate 45683goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the 45684drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. 45685 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The 45686 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace," 45687 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. 45688 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. 45689% 45690The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems: 45691there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud. 45692 -- Andrew Hume 45693% 45694The Kennedy Constant: 45695 Don't get mad -- get even. 45696% 45697The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. 45698 -- L. Zadeh 45699% 45700The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal 45701an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's 45702advantage to see the truth. 45703 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer 45704% 45705The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 45706% 45707The kind of danger people most enjoy is 45708the kind they can watch from a safe place. 45709% 45710The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: 45711 45712King: "How goes the battle plan?" 45713Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?" 45714K: "Yes." 45715A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running 45716 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till 45717 the dust clears." 45718K: "And?" 45719A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." 45720K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?" 45721A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." 45722% 45723The knowledge that makes us cherish 45724innocence makes innocence unattainable. 45725 -- Irving Howe 45726% 45727The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is 45728the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free 45729world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher 45730dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person 45731per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill 45732really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and 45733drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. 45734I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. 45735And now, just look at me." 45736% 45737The ladies men admire, I've heard, 45738Would shudder at a wicked word. 45739Their candle gives a single light; 45740They'd rather stay at home at night. 45741They do not keep awake till three, 45742Nor read erotic poetry. 45743They never sanction the impure, 45744Nor recognize an overture. 45745They shrink from powders and from paints... 45746So far, I've had no complaints. 45747 -- Dorothy Parker 45748% 45749The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. 45750Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. 45751 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 45752% 45753The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9. 45754 -- Werner Trobin 45755% 45756The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for 45757everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. 45758% 45759The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. 45760% 45761The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. 45762 -- Blaise Pascal 45763% 45764The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own 45765hand. 45766 -- Fred Allen 45767% 45768The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word 45769processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs." 45770 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 45771% 45772The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. 45773 -- Governor Tarkin 45774% 45775The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, 45776to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. 45777 -- Anatole France 45778% 45779The Law of the Letter: 45780 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. 45781% 45782The Law of the Perversity of Nature: 45783 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 45784% 45785The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the 45786law free. 45787 -- Henry David Thoreau 45788% 45789The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men 45790should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal 45791weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine 45792we own. 45793 -- H. G. Wells 45794% 45795The Least Perceptive Literary Critic 45796 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A 45797most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to 45798give a public reading of his latest poem. 45799 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord 45800Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. 45801Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me." 45802 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable 45803and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark 45804the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better 45805turn." 45806 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. 45807Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the 45808lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on 45809Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation 45810on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him 45811much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event." 45812 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem 45813exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of 45814their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can 45815be better." 45816 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45817% 45818The Least Successful Animal Rescue 45819 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal 45820rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over 45821emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly 45822lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a 45823tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. 45824So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off 45825later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it. 45826 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45827% 45828The Least Successful Collector 45829 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She 45830was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had 45831amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the 45832works of Shakespeare. 45833 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond 45834legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The 45835remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. 45836 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned 45837the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the 45838French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. 45839 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45840% 45841The Least Successful Defrosting Device 45842 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster 45843whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. 45844 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips 45845got stuck fast." 45846 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he 45847was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away. 45848 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of... 45849muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer. 45850 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until 45851constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot 45852Lips". 45853 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45854% 45855The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement 45856 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish 45857Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality 45858legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay 45859enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for 45860men and women. 45861 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45862% 45863The Least Successful Executions 45864 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. 45865The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were 45866made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope 45867snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he 45868and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital 45869punishment, he was reprieved. 45870 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who 45871tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each 45872occasion failed to get the trap door open. 45873 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted 45874Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated 45875to America and lived until 1933. 45876 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45877% 45878The Least Successful Police Dogs 45879 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking 45880schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida 45881in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or 45882offend the criminal classes. 45883 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up 45884and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him." 45885 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a 45886stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug 45887raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in 458881967. 45889 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they 45890patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the 45891fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at 45892him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh. 45893 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45894% 45895The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. 45896 -- Kin Hubbard 45897% 45898The less time planning, the more time programming. 45899% 45900THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE 45901 45902 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming 45903Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College 45904for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write 45905code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 45906END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a 45907syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving 45908the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, 45909frustrating process of testing and debugging. 45910% 45911THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP 45912 45913 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San 45914Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; 45915users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing 45916lithtth. 45917% 45918THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL 45919 45920 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 45921Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, 45922SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty- 45923three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals 45924while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers 45925often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 45926% 45927THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL 45928 45929 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando 45930Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the 45931industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. 45932Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other 45933operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are 45934accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example: 45935 45936 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 45937 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND 45938 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND 45939 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 45940 THEN 45941 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 45942 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 45943 SURE 45944 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE 45945 GOTO THE MALL 45946 45947 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For 45948example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the 45949message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY 45950AWESOME! 45951% 45952THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO 45953 45954 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO 45955DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include 45956SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy 45957graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as 45958it travels across the screen. 45959% 45960THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE 45961 45962 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 45963unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. 45964Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE 45965programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. 45966% 45967THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C- 45968 45969 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when 45970he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 45971best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language 45972generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute 45973a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. 45974% 45975THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH 45976 45977 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 45978refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to 45979FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands 45980refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, 45981VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 45982 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 45983financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and 45984LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD, 45985RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 45986who end up using this language. 45987% 45988THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK 45989 45990 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for 45991T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more 45992intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley. 45993 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 45994while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long, 45995since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. 45996 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a 45997gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to 45998syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT. 45999% 46000The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. 46001 -- Lenny Bruce 46002% 46003The life which is unexamined is not worth living. 46004 -- Plato 46005% 46006The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching 46007train. 46008% 46009The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. 46010% 46011The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. 46012% 46013The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come 46014% 46015The lion and the calf shall lie down 46016together but the calf won't get much sleep. 46017 -- Woody Allen 46018% 46019The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. 46020She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. 46021 -- DeGourmont 46022% 46023The little pieces of my life I give to you, 46024with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold. 46025% 46026The little town that time forgot, 46027Where all the women are strong, 46028The men are good-looking, 46029And the children above-average. 46030 -- Prairie Home Companion 46031% 46032The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his 46033door with a basket of kittens. 46034 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?" 46035 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied. 46036Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little 46037girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens. 46038 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said. 46039 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered. 46040 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled. 46041 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed." 46042% 46043The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, 46044for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be 46045simply making a limiting statement about himself. 46046 -- Sidney Harris 46047% 46048The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 46049 -- Henry Kissinger 46050% 46051The longer the title, the less important the job. 46052% 46053The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. 46054 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 46055% 46056The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as 46057we could with both of them. 46058 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 46059% 46060The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. 46061Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. 46062% 46063The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes 46064so many of them. 46065 -- Abraham Lincoln 46066% 46067The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. 46068 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 46069% 46070The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of 46071the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at 46072her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic 46073Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my 46074steel through your last meal!" 46075 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 46076% 46077The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. 46078% 46079The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, 46080Are of imagination all compact... 46081 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" 46082% 46083The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. 46084% 46085The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. 46086 -- Benjamin Disraeli 46087% 46088The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. 46089 -- Kevin Cowherd 46090% 46091The major advances in civilization are processes 46092that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. 46093 -- A. N. Whitehead 46094% 46095The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the 46096bonds will eventually mature. 46097% 46098The major sin is the sin of being born. 46099 -- Samuel Beckett 46100% 46101The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play 46102the violin. 46103 -- Honore de Balzac 46104% 46105The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. 46106The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of 46107consistency. 46108 -- Albert Einstein 46109% 46110The makers may make, 46111And the users may use, 46112But the fixers must fix 46113With but minimal clues. 46114% 46115The man she had was kind and clean 46116And well enough for every day, 46117But oh, dear friends, you should have seen 46118The one that got away. 46119 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" 46120% 46121The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner 46122 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is 46123Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost 46124invented it. 46125 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an 46126American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. 46127 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. 46128After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze 46129-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room. 46130 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the 46131point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves 46132the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is 46133not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved 46134that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and 46135sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. 46136 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46137% 46138The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. 46139The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever 46140been. 46141 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 46142% 46143The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. 46144 -- Menander 46145% 46146The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news. 46147 -- Bertolt Brecht 46148% 46149The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. 46150 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time" 46151% 46152The man who runs may fight again. 46153 -- Menander 46154% 46155The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount 46156Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. 46157 -- Old Japanese proverb 46158% 46159The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 46160will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 46161 -- Mark Twain 46162% 46163The man who understands one woman is 46164qualified to understand pretty well everything. 46165 -- Yeats 46166% 46167The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has 46168to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" 46169 -- Will Rogers 46170 46171The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit. 46172 -- Vice President John Nance Garner 46173% 46174The Marines: 46175 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach. 46176% 46177The Marines: 46178 The few, the proud, the not very bright. 46179% 46180The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning 46181wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city. 46182 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire" 46183% 46184The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, 46185while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. 46186 -- Wilhelm Stekel 46187% 46188The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice 46189and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the 46190master calls a butterfly. 46191 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 46192% 46193The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of 46194husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism 46195are one, and that one is Marxism. 46196 -- Heidi Hartmann, 46197 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" 46198% 46199The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! 46200% 46201The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 46202soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car 46203which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. 46204% 46205The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. 46206 -- Bulwer 46207% 46208The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time. 46209% 46210The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, 46211always end up on their ends without any means. 46212 -- Saul Alinsky 46213% 46214The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. 46215Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." 46216% 46217The meek don't want it. 46218% 46219The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3. 46220% 46221The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 46222% 46223The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that 46224time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. 46225% 46226The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. 46227 -- J. P. Getty 46228% 46229The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. 46230% 46231The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. 46232% 46233The meek shall inherit the Earth. 46234(But they're gonna have to fight for it.) 46235% 46236The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you. 46237% 46238The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two 46239chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. 46240 -- Carl G. Jung 46241% 46242[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be 46243undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful 46244for impotency. 46245 -- Winston Churchill 46246% 46247The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, 46248 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 46249 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 46250 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 46251% 46252The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to 46253devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. 46254 -- Lew Mammel, Jr. 46255% 46256The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange 46257System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following 46258error: 46259 46260The operation completed successfully. 46261 46262For more information, see Help and Support Center at 46263http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp. 46264% 46265The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. 46266% 46267The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another 46268mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same 46269being who produces the impressions. 46270 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade 46271% 46272The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be 46273general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that 46274any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby 46275not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library 46276Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer 46277Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its 46278predictive power. 46279 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 46280 Thinking" 46281% 46282The Modelski Chain Rule: 462831: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your 46284 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your 46285 Hewlett-Packard. 462862: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly 46287 bright-looking individual. 462883: Procure a large chain. 462894: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely 46290 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. 46291 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound 46292 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. 46293% 46294The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. 46295 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 46296% 46297"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of 46298themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become 46299of the bicuspids?" 46300 -- The Old Man and his Bridge 46301% 46302The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 46303 -- Nicol Williamson 46304% 46305The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. 46306% 46307The moon is made of green cheese. 46308 -- John Heywood 46309% 46310The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 46311% 46312The Moral Majority is neither. 46313% 46314The more control, the more that requires control. 46315% 46316The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater 46317the odds that the competition already has the order. 46318% 46319The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 46320% 46321The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 46322lower the mailing cost. 46323 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 46324% 46325The more I know men the more I like my horse. 46326% 46327The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. 46328 -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696) 46329% 46330The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. 46331 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 46332% 46333The more laws and order are made prominent, 46334the more thieves and robbers there will be. 46335 -- Lao Tsu 46336% 46337The more the merrier. 46338 -- John Heywood 46339% 46340The more they over-think the plumbing 46341the easier it is to stop up the drain. 46342% 46343The more things change, the more they remain the same. 46344 -- Alphonse Karr 46345% 46346The more things change, the more they stay insane. 46347% 46348The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. 46349% 46350The more we disagree, the more chance 46351there is that at least one of us is right. 46352% 46353The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. 46354% 46355The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. 46356% 46357The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke. 46358First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize, 46359three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each. 46360% 46361The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. 46362% 46363The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. 46364 -- Andy Warhol 46365% 46366The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk. 46367% 46368The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to 46369exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but 46370rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and 46371flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst 46372have the good fortune to find one. 46373 -- Carlyle 46374% 46375The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common 46376family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number 46377of people in the world named Mohammad Chang? 46378 -- Derek Wills 46379% 46380The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately 46381in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. 46382 -- H. L. Mencken 46383% 46384The most dangerous food is wedding cake. 46385 -- American proverb 46386% 46387The most dangerous organization in America today is: 46388 46389 a) The KKK 46390 b) The American Nazi Party 46391 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club 46392% 46393The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in 46394the country is the one on which you resell it. 46395 -- J. Brecheux 46396% 46397The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS 46398is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. 46399% 46400The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and 46401to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. 46402 -- Theodore H. White 46403% 46404The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. 46405% 46406The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does 46407not approach what your best friends say behind your back. 46408 -- Alfred De Musset 46409% 46410The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 46411discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 46412 -- Isaac Asimov 46413% 46414The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a 46415ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last 46416it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal 46417woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, 46418the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the 46419bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold 46420in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, 46421starts a long, long time before the event. 46422 -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", 46423 from "Congress Eate It Up" 46424% 46425...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man: 46426freshman English at a Midwestern university. 46427 -- Tom Wolfe 46428% 46429The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union 46430of a deaf man to a blind woman. 46431 -- Samuel T. Coleridge 46432% 46433The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. 46434% 46435The most important early product on the way 46436to developing a good product is an imperfect version. 46437% 46438The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating 46439people to approach printed matter with distrust. 46440% 46441The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman 46442is that one of them be good at taking orders. 46443 -- Linda Festa 46444% 46445The most important things, each person must do for himself. 46446% 46447The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. 46448 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I" 46449% 46450The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national 46451conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the 46452participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national 46453organization. 46454 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national 46455organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The 46456orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you 46457know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had 46458every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished. 46459 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New* 46460New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it. 46461 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The 46462Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the 46463weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning, 46464a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body 46465with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the 46466Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly 46467white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or 46468so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution 46469or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real 46470possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying 46471lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their 46472demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their 46473astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed 46474an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the 46475radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of 46476existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion 46477and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and 46478broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'" 46479 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988 46480% 46481The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she 46482served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never 46483been found. 46484 -- Calvin Trillin 46485% 46486The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the 46487biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to 46488them were fishermen. 46489 -- Arthur Binstead 46490% 46491The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible 46492 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert 46493Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained 46494several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from 46495the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, 46496to commit adultery. 46497 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote 46498country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined 46499the printers L3,000. 46500 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46501% 46502The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little 46503children for their insurance money. 46504 -- Sherlock Holmes 46505% 46506The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 46507% 46508The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, 46509 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit 46510Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, 46511 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. 46512% 46513The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the 46514perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love 46515seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it. 46516% 46517The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. 46518 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 46519% 46520The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. 46521 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy 46522% 46523The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 465241986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. 46525 -- David Letterman 46526% 46527The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: 46528 Support your right to bare arms! 46529% 46530The nearer to the church, the further from God. 46531 -- John Heywood 46532% 46533The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it. 46534 -- John Gilmore 46535% 46536The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded 46537in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but 46538occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! 46539 -- James "Kibo" Parry 46540% 46541The net of law is spread so wide, 46542No sinner from its sweep may hide. 46543Its meshes are so fine and strong, 46544They take in every child of wrong. 46545O wondrous web of mystery! 46546Big fish alone escape from thee! 46547 -- James Jeffrey Roche 46548% 46549The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. 46550I hope I don't get run over again. 46551% 46552The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 46553doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 46554% 46555THE NEW RIGHT: 46556 A javelin team that elects to receive. 46557% 46558The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 46559in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 46560 46561 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: 46562 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 46563 46564 -- Matthew 5:37 46565% 46566The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The 46567Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. 46568The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive 46569and running the country ... 46570 -- Robert J. Woodhead 46571% 46572The next person to mention spaghetti stacks 46573to me is going to have his head knocked off. 46574 -- Bill Conrad 46575% 46576The next thing I say to you will be true. 46577The last thing I said was false. 46578% 46579The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. 46580 -- Lucille S. Harper 46581% 46582The nice thing about standards 46583is that there are so many of them to choose from. 46584 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 46585% 46586The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. 46587% 46588The night passes quickly when you're asleep 46589But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat 46590... 46591Breakfast at the Egg House, 46592Like the waffle on the griddle, 46593I'm burnt around the edges, 46594But I'm tender in the middle. 46595 -- Adrian Belew 46596% 46597The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered 46598rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen 46599bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 46600'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. 46601 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 46602% 46603The notion of a "record" is an obsolete 46604remnant of the days of the 80-column card. 46605 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 46606% 46607The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should 46608serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society 46609these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their 46610function is to serve as checks upon the state. 46611 -- Alan Barth 46612% 46613The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are 46614correct. 46615 -- Ralph Hartley 46616% 46617The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely 46618proportional to the number of bugs in their code. 46619% 46620The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success 46621of the barbecue. 46622% 46623The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine 46624increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. 46625% 46626The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. 46627 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972 46628% 46629The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post 46630is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer 46631is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. 46632 -- Robert Woodhead 46633% 46634The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze 46635all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have 46636answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems 46637when called upon. 46638 However... 46639When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind 46640yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 46641% 46642The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. 46643% 46644The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". 46645% 46646The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 46647 46648 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the 46649 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director 46650 of Corporate Planning." 46651% 46652The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: 46653 46654 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless 46655 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you 46656 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the 46657 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. 46658% 46659The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: 46660 46661 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy 46662 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate 46663 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La 46664 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the 46665 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun 46666 god at 8:15 the next morning. 46667% 46668The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds 46669is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been 46670more like fourteen. 46671 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire" 46672% 46673The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the 46674New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that 46675they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont. 46676 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have 46677taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!" 46678% 46679THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time 46680to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the 46681floor. 46682 46683"Sorry," he said with a smile. 46684 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 46685% 46686The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 46687% 46688The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. 46689Let the reader catch his own breath. 46690 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 46691% 46692The older I grow, the more I distrust the 46693familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. 46694 -- H. L. Mencken 46695% 46696The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. 46697 -- Oscar Wilde 46698% 46699The one good thing about repeating your 46700mistakes is that you know when to cringe. 46701% 46702The one L lama, he's a priest 46703The two L llama, he's a beast 46704And I will bet my silk pyjama 46705There isn't any three L lllama. 46706 -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally 46707 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama." 46708% 46709The One Page Principle: 46710 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper 46711 cannot be understood. 46712 -- Mark Ardis 46713% 46714The one sure way to make a lazy man look 46715respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand. 46716% 46717The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed. 46718 -- Abbey Hoffman 46719% 46720The only certainty is that nothing is certain. 46721 -- Pliny the Elder 46722% 46723The only constant is change. 46724% 46725The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a 46726right turn on a red light. 46727 -- Woody Allen 46728% 46729The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is 46730that the car salesman knows he's lying. 46731% 46732The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. 46733% 46734The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that 46735every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. 46736 -- Oscar Wilde 46737% 46738The only difference in the game of love over the last few 46739thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds. 46740 -- The Indianapolis Star 46741% 46742The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look 46743respectable. 46744 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 46745% 46746The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. 46747The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may 46748experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and 46749thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever 46750could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very 46751swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels 46752much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of 46753oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach 46754it and are delighted. 46755 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 46756% 46757The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. 46758 -- Dorothy Parker 46759% 46760The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is 46761that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; 46762beyond this they have no legitimacy. 46763 -- Albert Einstein 46764% 46765The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away 46766is your husband. 46767% 46768The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, 46769mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, 46770the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn 46771like fabulous yellow Roman candles. 46772 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" 46773% 46774The only people who make love all the time are liars. 46775 -- Louis Jordan 46776% 46777The only perfect science is hind-sight. 46778% 46779The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 46780% 46781The only possible interpretation of any research 46782whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't. 46783 -- Ernest Rutherford 46784% 46785The only problem with being a man of leisure 46786is that you can never stop and take a rest. 46787% 46788The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. 46789 -- Phaedrus 46790% 46791The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to 46792be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to 46793be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think 46794you've got something really great, add ten per cent more. 46795 -- Bill Veeck 46796% 46797The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a 46798plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal 46799other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. 46800 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" 46801% 46802The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it. 46803% 46804The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method 46805for getting acquainted. 46806 -- Heywood Broun 46807% 46808The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 46809 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 46810 Over and Over" 46811% 46812The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. 46813% 46814The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber 46815has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, 46816finished, and put inside boxes. 46817 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 46818% 46819The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise 46820of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. 46821 -- Colette 46822% 46823The only reward of virtue is virtue. 46824 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 46825% 46826The only rose without thorns is friendship. 46827% 46828The only thing better than love is milk. 46829% 46830The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk. 46831% 46832The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches 46833us nothing. 46834 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog) 46835% 46836The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that 46837the first one was useless. 46838 -- Nicolas Chamfort 46839% 46840The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. 46841 -- Earl Warren 46842 46843That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all 46844the lessons that history has to teach. 46845 -- Aldous Huxley 46846 46847We learn from history that we do not learn from history. 46848 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel 46849 46850HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn 46851nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened 46852this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. 46853 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 46854% 46855The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from 46856history. 46857 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel 46858 46859I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the 46860long view. 46861 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" 46862% 46863The only thing which separates man from child is all the values 46864he has lost over the years. 46865 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 46866% 46867The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. 46868 -- C. Schultz 46869% 46870The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge 46871and guilt. 46872 -- Elvis Costello 46873% 46874The only way to amuse some people 46875is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. 46876% 46877The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 46878 -- Oscar Wilde 46879% 46880The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, 46881drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. 46882 -- Mark Twain 46883% 46884The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 46885 -- David Gerrold 46886% 46887The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt 46888in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. 46889 -- Jean de la Bruyere 46890% 46891The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 46892until 5 or 6 PM. 46893% 46894The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite 46895of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 46896 -- Niels Bohr 46897% 46898The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 46899 -- Niels Bohr 46900% 46901The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is 46902waiting. 46903 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 46904% 46905The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, 46906and the pessimist knows it. 46907 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" 46908 46909Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking 46910almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all 46911possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. 46912 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" 46913% 46914The optimum committee has no members. 46915 -- Norman Augustine 46916% 46917The opulence of the front office door varies 46918inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. 46919% 46920The orders come down and they march us away. 46921There's a battle outside and we join in the fray. 46922God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day, 46923But it's better than working for Xerox. 46924 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask" 46925% 46926The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost 46927went back in time. 46928 -- Steven Wright 46929% 46930The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. 46931 -- Steven Wright 46932% 46933The other line moves faster. 46934% 46935The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on 46936a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance 46937with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke 46938English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a 46939pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her 46940head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a 46941table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to 46942dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They 46943went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 46944evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew 46945a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has 46946never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 46947% 46948The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me". 46949% 46950The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add. 46951 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court 46952% 46953The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what 46954she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked, 46955 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" 46956 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals." 46957% 46958The past always looks better than it was. 46959It's only pleasant because it isn't here. 46960 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 46961% 46962The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it 46963were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. 46964 -- H. L. Mencken 46965% 46966The people sensible enough to give 46967good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. 46968% 46969The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- 46970not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you 46971waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are. 46972In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the 46973person you have always wanted to be. 46974 -- Nancy Friday 46975% 46976The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. 46977 -- Charles Pierce 46978% 46979The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner, 46980but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that 46981quality of joy. 46982 -- Erica Jong 46983% 46984The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. 46985% 46986The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it. 46987% 46988The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying. 46989% 46990The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. 46991% 46992The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip 46993market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and 46994is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose" 46995 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982 46996% 46997The philosopher's treatment of a question 46998is like the treatment of an illness. 46999 -- Wittgenstein 47000% 47001The Phone Booth Rule: 47002 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. 47003% 47004The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 47005Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 47006Let others think his heart is big, 47007I think it stupid of the Pig. 47008 -- Ogden Nash 47009% 47010The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang 47011and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter 47012connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center 47013fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were 47014blound by the sun and he dropped it. 47015 -- Dizzy Dean 47016% 47017The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. 47018 -- David Lardner 47019% 47020The Poems, all three hundred of them, 47021may be summed up in one of their phrases: 47022"Let our thoughts be correct". 47023 -- Confucius 47024% 47025The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life 47026 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George 47027Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his 47028verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well". 47029 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his 47030work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually 47031lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel". 47032 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically 47033rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with 47034the higher emotions. 47035 She would me "Honey" call, 47036 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too. 47037 But now alas! She's left me 47038 Falero, lero, loo. 47039 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize 47040was her prudent choice of footwear. 47041 The fives did fit her shoe. 47042 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by 47043the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the 47044Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and 47045begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied, 47046"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the 47047worst poet in England." 47048 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47049% 47050The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war, 47051and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." 47052 -- Celine 47053% 47054The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad 47055trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and 47056save your sanity for later. 47057% 47058The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be 47059addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally 47060important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not 47061expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can 47062we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing 47063true distaste. 47064 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 47065 Correct Behavior" 47066% 47067The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. 47068To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. 47069 -- Buckminster Fuller 47070% 47071The pollution's at that awkward stage. 47072Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. 47073 -- Doug Sneyd 47074% 47075The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more 47076often. 47077% 47078The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. 47079 -- Anthony Burgess 47080% 47081The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor 47082prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, 47083or to the people. 47084 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) 47085% 47086The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 47087 Were each of them once a kiddie. 47088A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 47089 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 47090 -- Ogden Nash 47091% 47092The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his 47093brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is 47094Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 47095 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter 47096% 47097The prettiest women are almost always the most 47098boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. 47099 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 47100% 47101The price of greatness is responsibility. 47102% 47103The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday 47104they might force their beliefs on us. 47105 -- Mario Cuomo 47106% 47107The price of success in philosophy is triviality. 47108 -- C. Glymour 47109% 47110The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate 47111knowledge of its ugly side. 47112 -- James Baldwin 47113% 47114The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired 47115warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by 47116changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped 47117marker. 47118 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 47119% 47120The primary function of the design engineer is to make things 47121difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. 47122% 47123The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; 47124instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the 47125variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead 47126of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the 47127program, should the value of pi change. 47128 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 47129% 47130The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough 47131voters to win the next election. 47132% 47133The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 47134represents the secondary theme: 47135 47136 Law Enforcement Officials 47137 47138The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 47139 47140 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 47141 -- M. Gallaher 47142% 47143The probability of someone watching you is directly 47144proportional to the stupidity of your action. 47145% 47146The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. 47147Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil 47148using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle 47149Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, 47150etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous 47151bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None 47152of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats 47153developed cancer. 47154 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 47155% 47156The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, 47157a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. 47158 -- Mike Smith 47159% 47160The problem with any unwritten law is that 47161you don't know where to go to erase it. 47162 -- Glaser and Way 47163% 47164The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have 47165to sleep every few days. 47166% 47167The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my 47168time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my 47169government because they could not keep up. 47170 -- Idi Amin Dada 47171% 47172The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that 47173for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good 47174requires intent. 47175% 47176The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can 47177be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 47178 -- Elizabeth Taylor 47179% 47180The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 47181% 47182The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty 47183for incompetence. 47184% 47185The problems of business administration in general, and database management in 47186particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded 47187with sloppy English. 47188 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 47189% 47190The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, 47191stable business. 47192 -- John Steinbeck 47193% 47194The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead. 47195% 47196The proof of the pudding is in the eating. 47197 -- Miguel de Cervantes 47198% 47199The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel 47200and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a 47201horse. 47202 -- Jac Goudsmit 47203% 47204The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper 47205thoughts about their neighbours. 47206 -- F. H. Bradley 47207% 47208The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 47209outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake 47210since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its 47211victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before 47212running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 47213 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 47214% 47215The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit 47216raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no 47217certainties. 47218 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice" 47219% 47220The Public is merely a multiplied "me." 47221 -- Mark Twain 47222% 47223The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but 47224because it gave pleasure to the spectators. 47225 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England" 47226% 47227The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're 47228not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not 47229engineers. 47230% 47231The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: 47232 "My brain is paged out to my liver" 47233% 47234The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 47235% 47236The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to 47237join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its 47238attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every 47239sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good 47240whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot 47241contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them 47242remain each in their own position. 47243 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from 47244 Queen Victoria 47245% 47246The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is 47247it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, 47248that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of 47249industrial waste? 47250 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 47251% 47252The questions remain the same. 47253The answers are eternally variable. 47254% 47255The Rabbits The Cow 47256Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk; 47257That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk. 47258 -- Ogden Nash 47259% 47260The race is not always to the swift, nor the 47261battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 47262 -- Damon Runyon 47263% 47264The rain it raineth on the just 47265And also on the unjust fella: 47266But chiefly on the just, because 47267The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 47268 -- Lord Bowen 47269% 47270The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. 47271% 47272The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise 47273measurement of the speed of blight. 47274% 47275The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the 47276illiterates can read. 47277 -- Alberto Moravia 47278% 47279The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is 47280cursed. 47281% 47282The real man's Bloody Mary: 47283 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire 47284 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. 47285 47286 Fill a large tumbler with vodka. 47287 Throw all the other ingredients away. 47288% 47289The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys. 47290% 47291The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. 47292 -- Christopher Morley 47293% 47294The real reason large families benefit society is because at least 47295a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners. 47296% 47297The real reason psychology is hard is that 47298psychologists are trying to do the impossible. 47299% 47300The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. 47301% 47302The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 47303% 47304The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", 47305which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape 47306Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil 47307Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. 47308 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 47309% 47310The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. 47311 -- Don Rose 47312% 47313The reason that every major university maintains a department of 47314mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those 47315people. 47316% 47317The reason they're called wisdom teeth 47318is that the experience makes you wise. 47319% 47320The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's 47321absolutely not. 47322 -- Bill Gates 47323% 47324The reason why worry kills more people 47325than work is that more people worry than work. 47326% 47327The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 47328persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all 47329progress depends on the unreasonable man. 47330 -- George Bernard Shaw 47331% 47332The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its 47333financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of 47334a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy 47335industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because 47336nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. 47337 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book 47338% 47339The relative importance of files depends on their cost 47340in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them. 47341 -- T. A. Dolotta 47342% 47343The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk 47344of a Dodge Dart. 47345 -- Lisa Alther 47346% 47347The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 47348Called a hen a most elegant creature. 47349 The hen, pleased with that, 47350 Laid an egg in his hat -- 47351And thus did the hen reward Beecher. 47352 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 47353% 47354The reverse side also has a reverse side. 47355 -- Japanese proverb 47356% 47357The revolution will not be televised. 47358% 47359The reward for working hard is more hard work. 47360% 47361The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 47362 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 47363% 47364The rhino is a homely beast, 47365For human eyes he's not a feast. 47366Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, 47367I'll stare at something less prepoceros. 47368 -- Ogden Nash 47369% 47370The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. 47371The haves get more, the have-nots die. 47372% 47373The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. 47374This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 47375% 47376The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests 47377and to his imagination for his facts. 47378 -- Sheridan 47379% 47380The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be 47381taken seriously. 47382 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 47383% 47384The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. 47385 -- Justice Douglas 47386% 47387The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. 47388 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 47389% 47390The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared 47391for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his 47392infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and 47393upon the successful management of which so much remains. 47394 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist 47395% 47396The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 47397House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 47398you have and what rights you have not got. 47399 -- J. Parnell Thomas 47400% 47401The ripest fruit falls first. 47402 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 47403% 47404The road to Hades is easy to travel. 47405 -- Bion 47406% 47407The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with 47408sloppy analysis! 47409% 47410The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. 47411 -- J. Gooding 47412% 47413The road to ruin is always in good repair, 47414and the travellers pay the expense of it. 47415 -- Josh Billings 47416% 47417The Roman Rule 47418 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 47419 one who is doing it. 47420% 47421The root of all superstition is that men 47422observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. 47423 -- Francis Bacon 47424% 47425The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. 47426% 47427The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 47428his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 47429one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 47430take it too seriously. 47431 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 47432% 47433The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. 47434 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 47435% 47436The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 47437give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 47438 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 47439% 47440The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you 47441can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize 47442it through power, violence or weapons. 47443 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 47444% 47445The rules: 47446 474471: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. 474482: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at 47449 the console keyboard. 474503: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little 47451 card decks together. 474524: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, 47453 especially if you're already married. 474545: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as Frisbees, nor use a disk pack as 47455 a stool to reach another disk pack. 474566: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour 47457 shift. 474587: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their 47459 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. 474608: Thou shalt not enjoy canceling a job. 474619: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. 4746210: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens". 47463% 47464The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. 47465That does not raise my apprehensions one iota. 47466 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 47467% 47468The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market 47469award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal 47470gesture by the individual to himself. 47471 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal" 47472% 47473The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! 47474% 47475The savior becomes the victim. 47476% 47477The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. 47478 47479Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. 47480Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." 47481 47482Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. 47483% 47484"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" 47485% 47486The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 47487showed that all had these things in common: 47488 47489 (1) They all had moderate appetites. 47490 (2) They all came from middle class homes. 47491 (3) All but two of them were dead. 47492% 47493The scum also rises. 47494 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 47495% 47496The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your 47497password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers. 47498 -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc 47499% 47500The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is 47501a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings 47502of civilization. 47503 -- T. K. 47504% 47505The second best policy is dishonesty. 47506% 47507The Second Law of Thermodynamics: 47508 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! 47509 -- Jim Warner 47510% 47511The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody. 47512% 47513The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food. 47514% 47515The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, 47516you've got it made. 47517 -- Jean Giraudoux 47518% 47519The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; 47520there is no humor in Heaven. 47521 -- Mark Twain 47522% 47523The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone 47524beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why! 47525 -- Harry Skelton 47526% 47527The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, 47528respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones 47529from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the 47530millstones are lifted. 47531 -- George Bernard Shaw 47532% 47533The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he 47534reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray 47535Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace 47536of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of 47537him are dead, he is alive. 47538 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 47539everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce 47540host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and 47541equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 47542 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 47543 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 47544 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar" 47545% 47546The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, 47547and sixth years. 47548% 47549The sheep died in the wool. 47550% 47551The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. 47552% 47553The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. 47554 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 47555% 47556The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. 47557% 47558The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 47559 -- Noelie Alito 47560% 47561The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. 47562 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia 47563% 47564The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft 47565voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. 47566 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 47567% 47568The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: 47569 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going 47570in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long 47571way.) 47572 -- Dan Roddick 47573% 47574The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. 47575 -- [just say that five times...] 47576% 47577The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. 47578 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 47579% 47580The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. 47581 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 47582% 47583The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing, 47584And surly Winter grimly flies. 47585Now crystal clear are the falling waters, 47586And bonnie blue are the sunny skies. 47587Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning, 47588The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell: 47589All creatures joy in the sun's returning, 47590And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell. 47591 47592The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer, 47593The yellow Autumn presses near; 47594Then in his turn come gloomy Winter, 47595Till smiling Spring again appear. 47596Thus seasons dancing, life advancing, 47597Old Time and Nature their changes tell; 47598But never ranging, still unchanging, 47599I adore my bonnie Bell. 47600 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell" 47601% 47602The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an 47603"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers 47604while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- 47605one can see only a very few things at once. 47606 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 47607% 47608The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the 47609rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. 47610 -- Max Lerner 47611% 47612The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and 47613tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will 47614have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor 47615its theories will hold water. 47616% 47617The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door 47618He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" 47619The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before 47620And slowly she let him inside. 47621 47622He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young 47623But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won 47624And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun 47625And now will you tell me why?" 47626 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier" 47627% 47628The solution of problems is the most characteristic 47629and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking. 47630 -- William James 47631% 47632The solution of this problem is trivial 47633and is left as an exercise for the reader. 47634% 47635The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from 47636his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was 47637sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and 47638active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and 47639exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the 47640dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. 47641 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and 47642vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation 47643was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was 47644horrified! Then came the children's lesson. 47645 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. 47646The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against 47647the table as the children gathered around him. 47648 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 47649 There was total silence. 47650 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 47651 Total silence. 47652 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, 47653sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." 47654% 47655The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. 47656 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" 47657% 47658The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! 47659% 47660The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be 47661able to correct them. 47662 -- Nicolaides 47663% 47664The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 47665% 47666The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. 47667In town a noun might wear a gown, 47668or further down, might dress a clown. 47669A noun that's sound would never clown, 47670but unsound nouns jump up and down. 47671The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing, 47672and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound. 47673But please don't let that get you down, 47674the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. 47675 -- A. Nonnie Mouse 47676% 47677The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's 47678readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of 47679some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 47680reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led 47681the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well 47682known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at 47683Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program 47684of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of 47685psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three 47686Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That 47687these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a 47688further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want 47689something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from 47690the Russians. 47691 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 47692% 47693The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet 47694themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week 47695against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat 47696Russian, get off my Ford Escort." 47697 -- Dennis Miller 47698% 47699The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything. 47700% 47701The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the 47702philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world 47703is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying 47704reality. 47705 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 47706% 47707The star of riches is shining upon you. 47708% 47709The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers 47710written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not 47711follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces 47712of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took 47713the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held 47714in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation 47715died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put 47716back by years. 47717 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything" 47718% 47719The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. 47720% 47721The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. 47722 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" 47723% 47724The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its 47725thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools. 47726 47727 -- Thucydides 47728% 47729The steady state of disks is full. 47730 -- Ken Thompson 47731% 47732The story of the butterfly: 47733 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love, 47734a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go 47735out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on 47736the third day, I heard a knock." 47737 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight, 47738there was nothing." 47739 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away." 47740 -- Peter Carey, BLISS 47741% 47742The story you are about to hear is true. 47743Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. 47744% 47745The street preacher looked so baffled 47746When I asked him why he dressed 47747With forty pounds of headlines 47748Stapled to his chest. 47749But he cursed me when I proved to him 47750I said, "Not even you can hide. 47751You see, you're just like me. 47752I hope you're satisfied." 47753 -- Bob Dylan 47754% 47755The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make 47756them unsafe. 47757 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo 47758% 47759The streets were dark with something more than night. 47760 -- Raymond Chandler 47761% 47762The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. 47763% 47764The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He 47765can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless 47766existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is 47767that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with the recognition -- 47768that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. 47769He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live 47770by the values he wills. 47771 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 47772% 47773The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and 47774is an emerging underachiever. 47775% 47776The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant 47777biology. 47778% 47779"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't 47780even any property taxes." 47781 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b 47782% 47783The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have 47784yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. 47785 -- The Silver Surfer 47786% 47787The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. 47788The population is, of course, growing. 47789% 47790The sum of the Universe is zero. 47791% 47792The sun never sets on those who ride into it. 47793 -- RKO 47794% 47795The sun was shining on the sea, 47796Shining with all his might: 47797He did his very best to make 47798The billows smooth and bright -- 47799And this was very odd, because it was 47800The middle of the night. 47801 -- Lewis Carroll, 47802 "Through the Looking-Glass, 47803 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 47804% 47805The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. 47806 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" 47807% 47808The superfluous is very necessary. 47809 -- Voltaire 47810% 47811The superior man understands what is right; 47812the inferior man understands what will sell. 47813 -- Confucius 47814% 47815The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their 47816way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, 47817whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other 47818side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies. 47819Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to 47820speak of the room. 47821 -- Henry Kissinger 47822% 47823The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. 47824% 47825The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. 47826 -- Mark Twain 47827% 47828The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. 47829% 47830The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher 47831esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. 47832 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 47833% 47834The surest way to remain a winner is to 47835win once, and then not play any more. 47836% 47837The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- 47838Scratch a lover and find a foe! 47839 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" 47840% 47841The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. 47842% 47843The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance. 47844% 47845The Tao doesn't take sides; 47846it gives birth to both wins and losses. 47847The Guru doesn't take sides; 47848she welcomes both hackers and lusers. 47849 47850The Tao is like a stack: 47851the data changes but not the structure. 47852the more you use it, the deeper it becomes; 47853the more you talk of it, the less you understand. 47854 47855Hold on to the root. 47856% 47857The Tao is like a glob pattern: 47858used but never used up. 47859It is like the extern void: 47860filled with infinite possibilities. 47861 47862It is masked but always present. 47863I don't know who built to it. 47864It came before the first kernel. 47865% 47866The tao that can be tar(1)ed 47867is not the entire Tao. 47868The path that can be specified 47869is not the Full Path. 47870 47871We declare the names 47872of all variables and functions. 47873Yet the Tao has no type specifier. 47874 47875Dynamically binding, you realize the magic. 47876Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy. 47877 47878Yet magic and hierarchy 47879arise from the same source, 47880and this source has a null pointer. 47881 47882Reference the NULL within NULL, 47883it is the gateway to all wizardry. 47884% 47885The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the 47886artist never that he is a technician. 47887 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 47888% 47889The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer 47890them a drink. 47891 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" 47892% 47893The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available 47894data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon 47895shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, 47896as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 47897radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times 47898as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we 47899receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the 47900Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature 47901of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where 47902the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, 47903i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using 47904the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute 47905temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact 47906temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the 47907temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. 47908Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their 47909part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten 47910brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 47911or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, 47912then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 47913 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 47914% 47915The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled 47916culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale. 47917% 47918The Ten Commandments for Technicians: 47919 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 47920 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a 47921 most untechnician-like manner. 47922 47923 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 47924 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console 47925 her in other ways. 47926% 47927The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene 47928of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process 47929as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The 47930employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible 47931temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated. 47932 -- Kenny's Korner 47933% 47934The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed 47935ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. 47936 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald 47937% 47938The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 47939 -- Aldo Leopold 47940% 47941The thing that takes up the least amount of time 47942and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. 47943% 47944The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. 47945% 47946The Third Law of Photography: 47947 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 47948 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of 47949 the dark leaks out. 47950% 47951The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I 47952want the job. 47953 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 47954 47955Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he 47956would have lost. 47957 -- Mort Sahl 47958 47959Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art. 47960 -- Gore Vidal 47961 47962Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and 47963I need a lot of sleep. 47964 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 47965 47966You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him 47967accurately it's called mudslinging. 47968 -- Walter Mondale 47969% 47970The Thought Police are here. They've come 47971To put you under cardiac arrest. 47972And as they drag you through the door 47973They tell you that you've failed the test. 47974 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age" 47975% 47976The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August. 47977% 47978The three biggest software lies: 47979 47980 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. 47981 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from 47982 will fix the microcode. 47983 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site. 47984% 47985The three laws of thermodynamics: 47986 (1) You can't get anything without working for it. 47987 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. 47988 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. 47989% 47990THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: 47991 479921) Where's the bathroom? 479932) What time does the parade start? 479943) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it? 47995% 47996The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a 47997soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with 47998an idea. 47999 -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook 48000% 48001The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? 480022. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place? 48003 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 48004% 48005The three rules of international air travel: 48006 48007(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used 48008 to be Braniff or Aeroflot). 48009(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you 48010 know *exactly* what you're doing. 48011(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. 48012% 48013The thrill is here, but it won't last long 48014You'd better have your fun before it moves along... 48015% 48016The time for action is past! 48017Now is the time for senseless bickering. 48018% 48019The time is right to make new friends. 48020% 48021The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance 48022committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. 48023 -- C. N. Parkinson 48024% 48025The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. 48026The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of 48027Judgment Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by 48028mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, 48029men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. 48030The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of 48031the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the 48032Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced 48033them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or 48034it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I 48035choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be 48036brought." 48037 -- Alistair Cooke 48038% 48039The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. 48040 -- Hosea Ballou 48041% 48042The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. 48043% 48044The tree of research must from time to time 48045be refreshed with the blood of bean counters. 48046 -- Alan Kay 48047% 48048The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, 48049but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings. 48050 -- Little Big Man 48051% 48052The trouble with a kitten is that 48053When it grows up, it's always a cat 48054 -- Ogden Nash 48055% 48056The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. 48057% 48058The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 48059% 48060The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate 48061it. 48062 -- Franklin P. Jones 48063% 48064The trouble with being punctual is that people 48065think you have nothing more important to do. 48066% 48067The trouble with computers is that they do 48068what you tell them, not what you want. 48069 -- D. Cohen 48070% 48071The trouble with doing something right the first 48072time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 48073% 48074The trouble with eating Italian food is that 48075five or six days later you're hungry again. 48076 -- George Miller 48077% 48078The trouble with heart disease is that the first 48079symptom is often hard to deal with: death. 48080 -- Michael Phelps 48081% 48082The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives. 48083 -- George S. Kaufman 48084% 48085The trouble with money is it costs too much! 48086% 48087The trouble with opportunity is that it 48088always comes disguised as hard work. 48089 -- Herbert V. Prochnow 48090% 48091The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- 48092and then marry him. 48093 -- Cher 48094% 48095The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. 48096 -- Ken Kesey 48097% 48098The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds 48099the other fellow of a dull one. 48100 -- Sid Caesar 48101% 48102The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 48103 -- Lily Tomlin 48104% 48105The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians 48106who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool 48107all of the people all of the time. 48108 -- Franklin Adams 48109% 48110The trouble with you 48111Is the trouble with me. 48112Got two good eyes 48113But we still don't see. 48114 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead" 48115% 48116The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great 48117height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make 48118people stumble than to be walked upon. 48119 -- Franz Kafka 48120% 48121The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. 48122 -- Andre Malraux 48123% 48124The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. 48125 -- Oscar Wilde 48126% 48127The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. 48128 -- Lenny Bruce 48129% 48130The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. 48131And vice versa. 48132% 48133The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. 48134 -- Stanley Kubrick 48135% 48136The Truth Shall Rape You Over. 48137 -- Caltech 48138% 48139The truth you speak has no past and no future. 48140It is, and that's all it needs to be. 48141% 48142The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 48143Which practically conceal its sex. 48144I think it clever of the turtle 48145In such a fix to be so fertile. 48146 -- Ogden Nash 48147% 48148The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." 48149 -- Dorothy Parker 48150% 48151The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 48152 -- Harlan Ellison 48153% 48154The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. 48155 -- George Bernard Shaw 48156% 48157The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that 48158two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated 48159by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. 48160 -- I. F. Stone 48161% 48162The two things that can get you into trouble 48163quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses. 48164% 48165The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 48166annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 48167 -- Oscar Wilde 48168% 48169The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? 48170And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? 48171There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? 48172So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot, 48173Eh? 48174So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh? 48175And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh? 48176They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way! 48177Eh? 48178 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh? 48179Beauty! 48180% 48181The ultimate game show will be the one 48182where somebody gets killed at the end. 48183 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show" 48184% 48185The unfacts, did we have them, are too 48186imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. 48187% 48188The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are 48189"100 percent American"... 48190 -- U.S. Army (1945) 48191% 48192The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. 48193% 48194The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be 48195broken. 48196% 48197The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. 48198% 48199The universe is an island, 48200surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. 48201% 48202The universe is laughing behind your back. 48203% 48204The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the 48205combination is locked up in the safe. 48206 -- Peter de Vries 48207 48208Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the 48209same safe. 48210% 48211The Universe is populated by stable things. 48212 -- Richard Dawkins 48213% 48214The universe is ruled by letting things take their course. 48215It cannot be ruled by interfering. 48216 -- Chinese proverb 48217% 48218The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. 48219 -- Sagan 48220% 48221The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 48222Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is 48223said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of 48224his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 48225% 48226The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, 48227and deviation standard. 48228% 48229The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to 48230hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. 48231% 48232The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable 48233that I assume it must be evil. 48234 -- Heywood Broun 48235% 48236The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 48237religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 48238from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 48239yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the 48240world put together. 48241 -- Sir Peter Medawar 48242% 48243The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems 48244is a symptom of professional immaturity. 48245 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 48246% 48247The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 48248regarded as a criminal offence. 48249 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 48250% 48251The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. 48252 -- Benjamin Franklin 48253% 48254The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 48255% 48256The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes 48257the worst cigars. 48258 -- H. L. Mencken 48259% 48260The very first essential for success is a perpetually 48261constant and regular employment of violence. 48262 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 48263% 48264The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid 48265prejudice. 48266 -- Mark Twain 48267% 48268The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. 48269Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts 48270to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to 48271be one of the facts that needs altering. 48272 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Face of Evil" 48273% 48274The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. 48275 -- Miguel de Cervantes 48276% 48277The Vet Who Surprised A Cow 48278 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary 48279surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal 48280gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial 48281expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some 48282bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. 48283The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to 48284the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. 48285 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48286% 48287The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance 48288to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth. 48289 -- John Wayne 48290% 48291The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. 48292 -- Jerry Brown 48293% 48294The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh 48295restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, 48296dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She 48297sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, 48298then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. 48299A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned 48300to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking." 48301% 48302The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, 48303it's just a tired feeling. 48304% 48305The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. 48306% 48307The wages of sin are unreported. 48308% 48309The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States 48310Constitution. 48311% 48312The warning message we sent the Russians was a 48313calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. 48314 -- Alexander Haig 48315% 48316The water was not fit to drink. 48317To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. 48318By diligent effort, I learned to like it. 48319 -- Winston Churchill 48320% 48321The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and 48322incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. 48323 -- Emo Philips 48324% 48325The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. 48326 -- Nathaniel Howe 48327% 48328The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward. 48329% 48330The way to a man's heart is through his 48331wife's belly, and don't you forget it. 48332 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" 48333% 48334The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. 48335% 48336The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus. 48337% 48338The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. 48339% 48340The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. 48341% 48342The way to make a small fortune in the 48343commodities market is to start with a large fortune. 48344% 48345The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. 48346My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. 48347My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. 48348Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play? 48349I feel together today! 48350 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" 48351% 48352The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. 48353% 48354The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... 48355but the leaves are good to smoke! 48356 -- The Shadow 48357% 48358The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. 48359 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked. 48360 "Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, 48361"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." 48362 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 48363% 48364The white race is the cancer of history. 48365 -- Susan Sontag 48366% 48367The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. 48368 -- Wavy Gravy 48369% 48370The whole of life is futile unless you 48371consider it as a sporting proposition. 48372% 48373The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always 48374so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. 48375 -- Bertrand Russell 48376% 48377The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. 48378 -- Peter Beard 48379% 48380The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. 48381 -- George Gobel 48382% 48383The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, 48384 Like Jaspar wine and sugar, 48385It must have blown through someone's feet, 48386 Like those of Caspar Weinberger. 48387 -- P. Opus 48388% 48389The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and 48390not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he 48391should. 48392 -- W. C. Fields 48393% 48394The wise man seeks everything in himself; 48395the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else. 48396% 48397The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. 48398% 48399The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the 48400medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work, 48401she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to 48402live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you 48403throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?" 48404 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have 48405to get up in the morning!" 48406% 48407The wonderful thing about a dancing bear 48408is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all. 48409% 48410The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools 48411we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral 48412and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because 48413of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible. 48414We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller 48415ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much. 48416 -- Paul Licker 48417% 48418The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not 48419designed for people who walk on their hands. 48420 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp" 48421% 48422The world is a comedy to those who think, 48423and a tragedy to those who feel. 48424 -- Horace Walpole 48425% 48426The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 48427% 48428The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! 48429% 48430The world is coming to an end! 48431Repent and return those library books! 48432% 48433The world is full of people who have never, since 48434childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. 48435 -- E. B. White 48436% 48437The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says 48438it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. 48439 -- E. Hubbard 48440% 48441The world is not octal despite DEC. 48442% 48443The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. 48444It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. 48445You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. 48446 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 48447% 48448The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. 48449% 48450The world really isn't any worse. 48451It's just that the news coverage is so much better. 48452% 48453The world wants to be deceived. 48454 -- Sebastian Brant 48455% 48456The world's as ugly as sin, 48457And almost as delightful. 48458 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 48459% 48460The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, 48461nor its great scholars great men. 48462 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 48463% 48464The Worst American Poet 48465 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that 48466Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years. 48467 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire 48468of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her 48469pen. 48470 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the 48471formula was the same: 48472 Have you heard of the dreadful fate 48473 Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife? 48474 Of their death I will relate, 48475 And also others lost their life 48476 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster, 48477 Where so many people died. 48478 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems, 48479the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a 48480river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than 48481a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded. 48482 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even 48483suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was 48484forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went 48485beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do". 48486 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48487% 48488THE WORST BANK ROBBERY 48489 48490In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of 48491Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They 48492had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, 48493sheepishly left the building. 48494A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of 48495robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 484965,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it 48497was a practical joke. 48498Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor 48499clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got 48500trapped in the revolving doors again. 48501% 48502The Worst Car Hire Service 48503 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck 48504as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up 48505shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. 48506 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he 48507conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles. 48508 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and 48509he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving 48510round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do. 48511 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to 48512admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we 48513overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle 48514we might overlook that too." 48515 "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled 48516into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the 48517ash tray." 48518 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48519% 48520The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. 48521 -- George Bernard Shaw 48522% 48523THE WORST HOMING PIGEON 48524 48525This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was 48526expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, 48527in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. 48528 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48529% 48530The worst is enemy of the bad. 48531% 48532The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." 48533 -- King Lear 48534% 48535The Worst Jury 48536 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when 48537one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the 48538remotest clue what was happening. 48539 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any 48540evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. 48541 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second 48542juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French 48543speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he 48544was hearing a murder trial. 48545 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered 48546from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language 48547and nearly as deaf as the first juror. 48548 The judge ordered a retrial. 48549 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48550% 48551The Worst Lines of Verse 48552For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line: 48553 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats." 48554Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted 48555these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous 48556laughter the instant they were read out. 48557 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was 48558inspired by the subject of war. 48559 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away, 48560 And the grey roof reddened and rang; 48561 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay 48562 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!" 48563By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79): 48564 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..." 48565While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables: 48566 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed, 48567 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand." 48568George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote: 48569 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go 48570 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co." 48571William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse: 48572 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak 48573 While in this world, are liable to leak." 48574And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when 48575describing a pond: 48576 "I've measured it from side to side; 48577 Tis three feet long and two feet wide." 48578 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48579% 48580The Worst Musical Trio 48581 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at 48582a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their 48583instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian 48584gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated 48585violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite 48586unhampered by great musical talent. 48587 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public 48588concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does. 48589A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although 48590Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau 48591in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown. 48592 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father, 48593"and it will be a sell out." 48594 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited 48595audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and 48596asked for someone to turn his pages. 48597 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who 48598volunteered and made his way to the stage. 48599 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the 48600music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle 48601Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played 48602the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages. 48603But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin." 48604 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48605% 48606The worst part of having success is trying 48607to find someone who is happy for you. 48608 -- Bette Midler 48609% 48610The worst part of valor is indiscretion. 48611% 48612The Worst Prison Guards 48613 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a 48614maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, 48615near Lisbon in Portugal. 48616 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison 48617warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which 48618included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity 48619of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were 48620planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had 48621not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were 48622"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels, 48623water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities. 48624The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36 48625prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal" 48626because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back 48627the next morning. 48628 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when 48629one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they 48630eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the jail's 48631population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr. 48632Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the 48633"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty." 48634 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48635% 48636The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, 48637but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. 48638 -- George Bernard Shaw 48639% 48640The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they 48641are sober. 48642 -- William Butler Yeats 48643% 48644The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one 48645wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering 48646if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. 48647 -- David Viscott 48648% 48649The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly. 48650They were just the first not to crash. 48651% 48652The yankees, son, are up north. 48653The damnyankees are down here. 48654% 48655The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 48656four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 48657the answers. 48658% 48659The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup. 48660 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor. 48661 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated." 48662% 48663The young lady had an unusual list, 48664Linked in part to a structural weakness. 48665She set no preconditions. 48666% 48667The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means 48668to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he 48669found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. 48670He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the 48671rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's 48672golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. 48673"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." 48674 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street 48675they only charge $1 a ball!" 48676 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the 48677rooms." 48678% 48679THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE 48680% 48681Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... 48682and you'd better not refuse. 48683% 48684Them as has, gets. 48685% 48686Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 48687 48688He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, 48689then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open 48690market. 48691 48692If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should 48693not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. 48694 48695Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 48696Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 48697Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 48698 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 48699% 48700Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her 48701incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, 48702acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. 48703 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." 48704% 48705Then here's to the City of Boston, 48706The town of the cries and the groans. 48707Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, 48708And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. 48709 -- Franklin Pierce Adams 48710% 48711Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. 48712I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was 48713right. 48714 -- P. J. O'Rourke 48715% 48716Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. 48717% 48718Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of 48719Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was, 48720when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing 48721to the "W" on the dial. 48722 48723Moral: 48724 He who has a Tates is lost! 48725% 48726Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand 48727it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. 48728 -- Elbert Hubbard 48729% 48730Theorem: a cat has nine tails. 48731Proof: 48732 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. 48733 Therefore, a cat has nine tails. 48734% 48735Theorem: All positive integers are equal. 48736Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. 48737 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B 48738 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. 48739 48740Proceed by induction: 48741 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. 48742 So A = B. 48743 48744Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with 48745 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence 48746 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. 48747% 48748Theorem: All programs are dull. 48749 48750Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is 48751nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all 48752sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is 48753the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides 48754the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek. 48755 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 48756% 48757THEORY: 48758 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to 48759 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good 48760 it will look in print. 48761% 48762Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. 48763 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 48764% 48765Theory of Selective Supervision: 48766 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is 48767 the one time the boss walks through the office. 48768% 48769There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black 48770armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad 48771shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you 48772realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your 48773body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons: 48774sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident. 48775He speaks with a commanding voice: 48776 48777 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" 48778 48779As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you. 48780% 48781There appears to be irrefutable evidence that 48782the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence. 48783 -- Harvey Wheeler 48784% 48785There are a few things that never go out of style, 48786and a feminine woman is one of them. 48787 -- Ralston 48788% 48789There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. 48790 -- Winston Churchill 48791% 48792There are bad times just around the corner, 48793There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky 48794And it's no good whining 48795About a silver lining 48796For we know from experience that they won't roll by... 48797 -- Noel Coward 48798% 48799There are few people more often in the wrong 48800than those who cannot endure to be thought so. 48801% 48802There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- 48803and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. 48804 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 48805% 48806There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot, 48807jury, and ammo. Please use in that order. 48808 -- Ed Howdershelt 48809% 48810There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, 48811and praiseworthy ... 48812 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 48813% 48814There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's 48815the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you 48816cannot know a woman, the divorce. 48817 -- Norman Mailer 48818% 48819There are many intelligent species in 48820the universe, and they all own cats. 48821% 48822There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break 48823about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get 48824about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor 48825get it in the winter. 48826 -- Bat Masterson 48827% 48828There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal 48829friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably 48830avoiding a great deal of pain. 48831% 48832There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. 48833 -- Eugene Ionesco 48834% 48835There are more old drunkards than old doctors. 48836% 48837There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else. 48838% 48839There are more things in heaven and earth, 48840Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. 48841 -- Hamlet 48842% 48843There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. 48844% 48845There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. 48846% 48847There are new messages. 48848% 48849There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. 48850 -- Baba Ram Dass 48851% 48852There are no answers, only cross-references. 48853 -- Weiner 48854% 48855There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes 48856are chosen correctly. 48857% 48858There are no emotional victims, only volunteers. 48859% 48860There are no games on this system. 48861% 48862There are no great men, buster. There are only men. 48863 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful" 48864% 48865There are no great men, only great challenges that 48866ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. 48867 -- Admiral William Halsey 48868% 48869There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. 48870 -- The Duke of Wellington 48871% 48872There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence 48873of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally 48874competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make 48875some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. 48876 -- Richard Davisson 48877% 48878There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort 48879of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. 48880% 48881There are no winners in life, only survivors. 48882% 48883There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. 48884 -- Helen Rowland 48885% 48886There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better. 48887% 48888There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and 48889taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. 48890 -- shades 48891% 48892There are people so addicted to exaggeration 48893that they can't tell the truth without lying. 48894 -- Josh Billings 48895% 48896There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals 48897in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so 48898people who find nothing odd about it. 48899 -- Calvin Trillin 48900% 48901There are places I'll remember 48902All my life though some have changed. 48903Some forever not for better 48904Some have gone and some remain. 48905All these places had their moments 48906With lovers and friends I still recall. 48907Some are dead and some are living, 48908In my life I've loved them all. 48909 48910But of all these friends and lovers, 48911There is no one compared with you, 48912All these memories lose their meaning 48913When I think of love as something new. 48914Though I know I'll never lose affection 48915For people and things that went before, 48916I know I'll often stop and think about them 48917In my life I'll love you more. 48918 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 48919% 48920There are running jobs. 48921Why don't you go chase them? 48922% 48923There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 48924plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 48925and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 48926don't we all? 48927% 48928There are strange things done in the midnight sun 48929 By the men who moil for gold; 48930The Arctic trails have their secret tales 48931 That would make your blood run cold; 48932The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, 48933 But the queerest they ever did see 48934Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge 48935 I cremated Sam McGee. 48936 -- Robert W. Service 48937% 48938There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life 48939is the process of discovering them over and over and over. 48940 -- David Nichols 48941% 48942There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and 48943fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here 48944and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for 48945wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up 48946your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence. 48947 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 48948% 48949There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics. 48950 -- Benjamin Disraeli 48951% 48952There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. 48953% 48954There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away 48955from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone 48956loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 48957% 48958There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 48959offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin 48960a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount 48961of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of 48962affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. 48963When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 48964Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. 48965 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 48966% 48967There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and 48968engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far 48969the more certain. 48970 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 48971% 48972There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need 48973the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the 48974world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the 48975long winter evenings. 48976 -- Quentin Crisp 48977% 48978There are three rules for writing a novel. 48979Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 48980 -- W. Somerset Maugham 48981% 48982There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the 48983changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. 48984Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's 48985science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled 48986by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering. 48987% 48988There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 48989can't remember. 48990 -- Italo Svevo 48991% 48992There are three things I have always loved 48993and never understood -- art, music, and women. 48994% 48995There are three things men can do with women: 48996love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. 48997 -- Stephen Stills 48998% 48999There are three ways to get something done: 49000 1: Do it yourself. 49001 2: Hire someone to do it for you. 49002 3: Forbid your kids to do it. 49003% 49004There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is 49005one of them. 49006% 49007There are twenty-five people left in the world, 49008and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. 49009 -- Ed Sanders 49010% 49011There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play 49012together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is 49013struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in 49014the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the 49015room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?" 49016 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice. 49017 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are 49018you?" 49019 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now." 49020 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?" 49021 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day. 49022I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time! 49023Man it is smokin'!" 49024 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more, 49025tell me more!" 49026 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news 49027and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean 49028I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here." 49029 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." 49030% 49031There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." 49032And one says, "This is new, and therefore better." 49033 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" 49034% 49035There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. 49036 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar 49037% 49038There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect 49039the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the 49040sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. 49041 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 49042% 49043There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. 49044We don't believe this to be a coincidence. 49045 -- Jeremy S. Anderson 49046% 49047There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel 49048like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. 49049% 49050There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 49051% 49052There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before 49053marriage and after marriage. 49054% 49055There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to 49056make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the 49057other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious 49058deficiencies. 49059 -- C. A. R. Hoare 49060% 49061There are two ways of disliking art. 49062One is to dislike it. 49063The other is to like it rationally. 49064 -- Oscar Wilde 49065% 49066There are two ways of disliking poetry; 49067one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. 49068 -- Oscar Wilde 49069% 49070There are two ways to write error-free 49071programs; only the third one works. 49072% 49073There are very few personal problems that cannot be 49074solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 49075% 49076There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening 49077with an insurance salesman? 49078 -- Woody Allen 49079% 49080There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men 49081of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling 49082rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and 49083together we'll face the world. 49084 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" 49085% 49086There but for the grace of God, goes God. 49087 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps 49088% 49089There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. 49090 -- Ralph Nader 49091% 49092There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. 49093 -- R. W. Gerard 49094% 49095There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 49096 -- Henry Kissinger 49097% 49098There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he 49099has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. 49100 -- W. C. Fields 49101% 49102There comes a time to stop being angry. 49103 -- A Small Circle of Friends 49104% 49105There exist tasks which cannot be done 49106by more than 10 men or fewer than 100. 49107 -- Steele's Law 49108% 49109There goes the good time that was had by all. 49110 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet 49111% 49112There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. 49113For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read 49114permissions for everyone, you could say 49115 49116 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444) 49117 49118 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it 49119hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away 49120from its uses. 49121 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that 49122is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of 49123the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is 49124being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro 49125name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology 49126-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded 49127recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it 49128was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) 49129 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review 49130% 49131There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. 49132 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 49133% 49134There has been an alarming increase in the 49135number of things you know nothing about. 49136% 49137There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. 49138% 49139There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there 49140is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a 49141vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food 49142stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. 49143 49144Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small 49145 elevator with one other person from each floor? 49146A: The elevator would be full. 49147% 49148There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery 49149is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If 49150you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. 49151 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles" 49152% 49153There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 49154opinion. 49155 -- Anatole France 49156% 49157There is a fly on your nose. 49158% 49159There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital 49160and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting 49161each other's throat. 49162 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" 49163% 49164There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: 49165that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 49166% 49167There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 49168% 49169There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends 49170his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. 49171 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 49172% 49173There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs 49174tied during the month of April. 49175% 49176There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. 49177 -- Walt Disney 49178% 49179There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of 49180wooden toilet seats. 49181 49182It's called the Birch John Society. 49183% 49184There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, 49185Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the 49186Fatherland. 49187 -- Adolf Hitler 49188% 49189There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 49190what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 49191disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 49192inexplicable. 49193 49194There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 49195 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 49196% 49197There is a time in the tides of men, 49198Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. 49199On the other hand, don't count on it. 49200 -- T. K. Lawson 49201% 49202There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it 49203is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. 49204 -- Helen Rowland 49205% 49206There is always more hell that needs raising. 49207 -- Lauren Leveut 49208% 49209There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling 49210somebody out. 49211 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" 49212% 49213There is always someone worse off than yourself. 49214% 49215There is always something new out of Africa. 49216 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus 49217% 49218There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it 49219has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. 49220 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 49221% 49222There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. 49223"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." 49224 -- Mark Twain 49225% 49226There is brutality and there is honesty. 49227There is no such thing as brutal honesty. 49228% 49229There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the 49230Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're 49231a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s. 49232 -- Joel Achenbach 49233% 49234There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, 49235having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, 49236whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of 49237gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and 49238most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. 49239 -- Darwin 49240% 49241There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can 49242not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. 49243% 49244There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. 49245 -- Arthur C. Clarke 49246% 49247There is in certain living souls 49248A quality of loneliness unspeakable, 49249So great it must be shared 49250As company is shared by lesser beings. 49251Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this 49252That in immensity 49253There is one lonelier than you. 49254% 49255There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, 49256however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. 49257Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 49258discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator 49259on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is 49260even highly probable. 49261 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930 49262% 49263There *_i_s* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. 49264% 49265There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die, 49266and we will conquer. Follow me. 49267 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA) 49268% 49269There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a 49270man who eats Grapenuts on principle. 49271 -- G. K. Chesterton 49272% 49273There is more to life than increasing its speed. 49274 -- Mohandas K. Gandhi 49275% 49276There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. 49277 -- Darth Vader 49278% 49279There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is 49280always enough time to do it over. 49281% 49282There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. 49283% 49284There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party 49285is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. 49286 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey" 49287% 49288There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad. 49289 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 49290% 49291There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. 49292No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. 49293 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates" 49294% 49295There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing 49296the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries 49297civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. 49298We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward 49299striving of the human race. 49300 -- Alfred North Whitehead 49301% 49302There is no comfort without pain; thus 49303we define salvation through suffering. 49304 -- Cato 49305% 49306There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. 49307 -- George Santayana 49308% 49309There is no delight the equal of dread. 49310As long as it is somebody else's. 49311 -- Clive Barker 49312% 49313There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. 49314% 49315There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 49316 -- Mark Twain 49317% 49318There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he 49319filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary 49320as "unearned income." 49321 -- Michael Lara 49322% 49323There is no education that is not political. An apolitical 49324education is also political because it is purposely isolating. 49325% 49326There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income 49327parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a 49328child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to 49329picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one 49330Master of the Universe Battlecruiser! 49331 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap 49332% 49333There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. 49334% 49335There is no fool to the old fool. 49336 -- John Heywood 49337% 49338There is no future in time travel. 49339% 49340There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. 49341% 49342There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted 49343armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. 49344 -- Ernest Hemingway 49345% 49346There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. 49347 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 49348% 49349There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years 49350the dirt doesn't get any worse. 49351 -- Quentin Crisp 49352% 49353There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. 49354 -- George Francis Gillette 49355% 49356There is no point in waiting. 49357The train stopped running years ago. 49358All the schedules, the brochures, 49359The bright-colored posters full of lies, 49360Promise rides to a distant country 49361That no longer exists. 49362% 49363There is no proverb that is not true. 49364 -- Cervantes 49365% 49366There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 49367tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 49368abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and 49369war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, 49370of course. 49371 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 49372% 49373There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 49374 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), 49375 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 49376% 49377There is no royal road to geometry. 49378 -- Euclid 49379% 49380There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. 49381% 49382There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 49383 -- George Bernard Shaw 49384% 49385There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. 49386 -- General Douglas MacArthur 49387% 49388There is no sin but ignorance. 49389 -- Christopher Marlowe 49390% 49391There is no sincerer love than the love of food. 49392 -- George Bernard Shaw 49393% 49394There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. 49395% 49396There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. 49397% 49398There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer. 49399% 49400There is no such thing as a free lunch. 49401% 49402There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. 49403% 49404There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only 49405the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive. 49406 -- Christian Dior 49407% 49408There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. 49409% 49410There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. 49411Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. 49412 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 49413% 49414There is no such thing as pure pleasure; 49415some anxiety always goes with it. 49416% 49417There is no time like the pleasant. 49418% 49419There is no time like the present 49420for postponing what you ought to be doing. 49421% 49422There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. 49423There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong. 49424% 49425There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and 49426family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, 49427the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is 49428live as cheap as the people. 49429 -- The Best of Will Rogers 49430% 49431There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives 49432us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. 49433 -- Augier 49434% 49435There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. 49436 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares" 49437% 49438There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. 49439 -- Winston Churchill 49440% 49441There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. 49442 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 49443% 49444There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. 49445 -- Marie Antoinette 49446% 49447There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult 49448when you do it reluctantly. 49449 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 49450% 49451There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who 49452comes to visit. 49453% 49454There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said 49455a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. 49456 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with 49457an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. 49458 "I could have answered it if I had been there." 49459 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 49460the middle of the night?'" 49461% 49462There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. 49463% 49464There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the 49465ocean level wouldn't cure. 49466 -- Ross MacDonald 49467% 49468There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it 49469is done in private and you wash your hands afterward. 49470% 49471There is one difference between a tax collector and 49472a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide. 49473 -- Mortimer Caplan 49474% 49475There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says 49476"Yes" you know he is crooked. 49477 -- Groucho Marx 49478% 49479There is only one thing in the world worse than being 49480talked about, and that is not being talked about. 49481 -- Oscar Wilde 49482% 49483There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. 49484 -- Paul Bourget 49485% 49486There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. 49487 -- Robert A. Heinlein 49488% 49489There is only one way to kill capitalism -- 49490by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. 49491 -- Karl Marx 49492% 49493There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, 49494and that word is blackmail. 49495 -- Colm Brogan 49496% 49497There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which 49498it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. 49499 -- James Boswell 49500% 49501There is plenty of time before progress goes too far. 49502 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 49503% 49504There is something in the pang of change 49505More than the heart can bear, 49506Unhappiness remembering happiness. 49507 -- Euripides 49508% 49509There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. 49510% 49511There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us! 49512% 49513There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who 49514constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those 49515who do not. 49516 -- Robert Benchley 49517% 49518There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United 49519States; of course, I never heard the story before. 49520% 49521There must be more to life than having everything. 49522 -- Maurice Sendak 49523% 49524There never was a good war or a bad peace. 49525 -- Benjamin Franklin 49526% 49527There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 49528king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 49529in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said 49530to the prince: 49531 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even 49532half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 49533what would your decision be, my son?" 49534 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 49535her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head." 49536 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 49537% 49538There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 49539king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 49540in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said 49541to the prince: 49542 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even 49543half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 49544what would your decision be, my son?" 49545 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 49546her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom 49547that I had promised." 49548 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 49549% 49550There seems no plan because it is all plan. 49551 -- C. S. Lewis 49552% 49553There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. 49554 -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" 49555% 49556There was a little girl 49557Who had a little curl 49558Right in the middle of her forehead. 49559When she was good, she was very, very good 49560And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. 49561 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" 49562% 49563There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up 49564with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he 49565was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive 49566over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot 49567to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, 49568and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be 49569able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go 49570around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave 49571him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared 49572to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to 49573hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in 49574the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband 49575cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing 49576her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same 49577course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he 49578sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able 49579to hit through, if he was to open both doors. 49580 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7". 49581% 49582There was a phone call for you. 49583% 49584There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 49585left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 49586Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so 49587they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed 49588out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, 49589the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck 49590with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! 49591We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is 49592to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. 49593% 49594There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have 49595no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled 49596every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become 49597insupportable. 49598 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 49599% 49600There was a young man from LeDoux, 49601Whose limericks stopped at line two. 49602 49603There was a young man from Verdunne. 49604 49605 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one 49606 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please 49607 mail it to "fortune". Ed.] 49608% 49609There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: 49610both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to 49611talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him 49612during the trial. 49613 -- David Letterman 49614% 49615There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of 49616their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity 49617of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian 49618couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were 49619blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together 49620on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy 49621baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, 49622were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion 49623of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that: 49624The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of 49625the squaws of the other two hides. 49626% 49627There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, 49628in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term 49629that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the 49630practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed 49631to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if 49632necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left 49633(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). 49634 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine" 49635% 49636There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan. 49637Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike, 49638you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what 49639should I do?" 49640 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look 49641like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing 49642you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl." 49643 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker. 49644 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed 49645in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there, 49646pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits," 49647he tells the counterman. 49648 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says, 49649"You must be from New York." 49650 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did 49651you know?" 49652 "Because this is a hardware store." 49653% 49654There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of 49655the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- 49656digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 496578-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the 49658transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity 49659stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative 49660feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching 49661systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the 49662first electrical digital computer, and the first communications 49663satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the 49664telephone business? 49665% 49666There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 49667the boss asks for a lift home from the office. 49668% 49669There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. 49670% 49671There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it. 49672 -- Lily Tomlin 49673% 49674Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use 49675this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. 49676 -- Machiavelli 49677% 49678There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose, 49679ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are 49680pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could 49681hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at 49682least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey, 49683Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the 49684pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored. 49685 -- Shirley Povich, 1941 49686% 49687There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 49688a fence. 49689% 49690There's a lesson that I need to remember 49691When everything is falling apart 49692In life, just like in loving 49693There's such a thing as trying to hard 49694 49695You've gotta sing 49696Like you don't need the money 49697Love like you'll never get hurt 49698You've gotta dance 49699Like nobody's watching 49700It's gotta come from the heart 49701If you want it to work. 49702 -- Kathy Mattea 49703% 49704There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that 49705allows you to install Windows. 49706 -- Matthew D. Fuller 49707% 49708There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. 49709% 49710There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left 49711and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a 49712little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help. 49713A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody 49714there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won. 49715The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and 49716it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice 49717said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went 49718on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all 49719his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice 49720spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to 49721quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12, 49722and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!" 49723% 49724There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast 49725The corporation that we represent. 49726We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast, 49727Of that man of men our sterling president 49728The name of T. J. Watson means 49729A courage none can stem 49730And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM. 49731 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 49732% 49733There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to 49734recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to 49735let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity 49736or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future, 49737a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, 49738rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of 49739living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding 49740action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the 49741best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office. 49742We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth 49743are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves 49744along -- quite gracefully. 49745 -- Ellen Goodman 49746% 49747There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! 49748 -- Doug Clifford 49749% 49750There's always free cheese in a mousetrap. 49751% 49752There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 49753% 49754There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really 49755don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything 49756to me. 49757 -- John Wayne 49758% 49759There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. 49760% 49761There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. 49762% 49763There's little in taking or giving, 49764 There's little in water or wine: 49765This living, this living, this living, 49766 Was never a project of mine. 49767Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 49768 The gain of the one at the top, 49769For art is a form of catharsis, 49770 And love is a permanent flop, 49771And work is the province of cattle, 49772 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 49773So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 49774 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 49775 -- Dorothy Parker 49776% 49777There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our 49778whole lives, win, lose, or draw. 49779 -- Walt Kelly 49780% 49781There's no justice in this world. 49782 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano 49783 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after 49784 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch 49785 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz 49786 instead) 49787% 49788There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 49789 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 49790% 49791There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 49792any worse. 49793% 49794There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 49795 -- Raoul Duke 49796% 49797There's no saint like a reformed sinner. 49798% 49799There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know 49800what you're talking about. 49801 -- John von Neumann 49802% 49803There's no such thing as a free lunch. 49804 -- Milton Friendman 49805% 49806There's no such thing as an original sin. 49807 -- Elvis Costello 49808% 49809There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 49810working for you. 49811 -- Will Rogers 49812% 49813There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. 49814% 49815There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead 49816armadillos. 49817 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 49818% 49819There's nothing like a girl with a plunging 49820neckline to keep a man on his toes. 49821% 49822There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man 49823appreciate his wife. 49824 -- Clare Booth Luce 49825% 49826There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. 49827% 49828There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. 49829% 49830There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right 49831keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. 49832 -- J. S. Bach 49833% 49834There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to 49835work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants. 49836 -- Mike Smith 49837% 49838There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter 49839and open a vein. 49840 -- Red Smith 49841% 49842There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that 49843nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination. 49844% 49845There's nothing worse for your business than 49846extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room. 49847 -- W. Bossert 49848% 49849There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 49850reasoning with them won't aggravate. 49851% 49852There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can 49853always see somebody who did worse. 49854 -- Warren H. Goldsmith 49855% 49856There's one fool at least in every married couple. 49857% 49858There's only one everything. 49859% 49860There's only one way to have a happy marriage 49861and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. 49862 -- Clint Eastwood 49863% 49864There's small choice in rotten apples. 49865 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 49866% 49867There's so much plastic in this culture that 49868vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. 49869 -- Lily Tomlin 49870% 49871There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. 49872% 49873There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, 49874Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny. 49875 -- G. Gordon Liddy 49876% 49877There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists. 49878If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong. 49879% 49880There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil. 49881 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 49882% 49883There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. 49884 -- Richard Le Gallienne 49885% 49886These activities have their own rules and methods 49887of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure. 49888 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960 49889% 49890"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" 49891"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" 49892"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP 49893out of MEGATON MAN!" 49894% 49895These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what 49896they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 49897% 49898They also serve who only stand and wait. 49899 -- John Milton 49900% 49901They also surf who only stand on waves. 49902% 49903They are called computers simply because computation is 49904the only significant job that has so far been given to them. 49905% 49906They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting 49907what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of 49908life. Let's face it: That's the American way. 49909 -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District 49910 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers. 49911% 49912They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, 49913when they can see nothing but sea. 49914 -- Francis Bacon 49915% 49916They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. 49917 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos 49918% 49919They call them "squares" because it's the 49920most complicated shape they can deal with. 49921% 49922They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God! 49923 -- The Blues Brothers 49924% 49925They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... 49926 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words, 49927 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864 49928% 49929They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and 49930try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the 49931man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They 49932only want to count to two. 49933 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance" 49934% 49935They don't suffer. They can't even speak English. 49936 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's 49937 question about the suffering of starving miners. 49938% 49939They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association. 49940% 49941They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. 49942 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 49943% 49944They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by 49945Russians with Greek->German dictionaries 49946 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation 49947% 49948They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. 49949% 49950They make a desert and call it peace. 49951 -- Tacitus (55?-120?) 49952% 49953They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government -- 49954especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that, 49955but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far. 49956 -- Richard M. Nixon 49957% 49958They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when 49959not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to 49960learn this particular lesson. 49961 -- Richard Stallman 49962% 49963They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the 49964system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First 49965we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. 49966 49967I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on 49968my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan, 49969then we take Berlin. 49970 49971I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit 49972and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station? 49973I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. 49974 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" 49975% 49976They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners 49977always spell better than they pronounce. 49978 -- Mark Twain 49979% 49980They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary 49981safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. 49982 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 49983% 49984They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! 49985% 49986They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 49987About a month before. Their hair began to curl 49988The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 49989But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 49990 49991He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 49992To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 49993And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 49994The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 49995 49996My notion was to start again 49997Ignoring all they'd done 49998We quickly turned it into code 49999To see if it would run. 50000% 50001They took some of the Van Goghs, most 50002of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! 50003% 50004They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat 50005 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 50006% 50007They use different words for things in America. 50008For instance they say elevator and we say lift. 50009They say drapes and we say curtains. 50010They say president and we say brain damaged git. 50011 -- Alexie Sayle 50012% 50013They went rushing down that freeway, 50014Messed around and got lost. 50015They didn't care... they were just dying to get off, 50016And it was life in the fast lane. 50017 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" 50018% 50019They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. 50020 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads 50021% 50022They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius, 50023The man said "We got all that we can use", 50024So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin', 50025Working-at-the-car-wash blues. 50026 -- Jim Croce 50027% 50028They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me 50029back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out 50030of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid 50031for freedom. 50032 -- Stig's Inferno 50033% 50034They're basically very smelly houseplants until they get to the crawling 50035age. You're constantly terrified that they're going to randomly die on 50036you, but the rules for preventing that outcome are straightforward and 50037hard to forget. 50038 -- Thomas Ptacek, giving advice to a new father 50039% 50040They're giving bank robbing a bad name. 50041 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde 50042% 50043They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 50044% 50045They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult 50046to like. 50047 -- Avon 50048% 50049Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become 50050their property that they may more perfectly respect it. 50051 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" 50052% 50053Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 50054 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 50055% 50056Things are more like they used to be than they are now. 50057% 50058Things are not always what they seem. 50059 -- Phaedrus 50060% 50061Things Charles Darwin did not say: 50062 50063Finches, eh? Seen one, seem 'em all. 50064% 50065Things Charles Darwin did not say: 50066 50067Nah, it's only a theory - I don't think it should be taught in schools. 50068% 50069Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. 50070% 50071Things past redress and now with me past care. 50072 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 50073% 50074Things will be bright in P.M. 50075A cop will shine a light in your face. 50076% 50077Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. 50078 -- Will Rogers 50079% 50080Things worth having are worth cheating for. 50081% 50082Think big. 50083Pollute the Mississippi. 50084% 50085Think honk if you're a telepath. 50086% 50087Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. 50088 -- Darrell Royal 50089% 50090Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 50091% 50092Think of your family tonight. 50093Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. 50094% 50095Think sideways! 50096 -- Ed De Bono 50097% 50098Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 50099% 50100Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. 50101 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 50102% 50103Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time? 50104It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine 50105Have made my days and nights imperishable, 50106Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore, 50107Innumerable atoms; and one desert, 50108Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break, 50109But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks, 50110Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness. 50111% 50112Thirteen at a table is unlucky only 50113when the hostess has only twelve chops. 50114 -- Groucho Marx 50115% 50116Thirty days hath Septober, 50117April, June, and no wonder. 50118all the rest have peanut butter 50119except my father who wears red suspenders. 50120% 50121Thirty white horses on a red hill, 50122First they champ, 50123Then they stamp, 50124Then they stand still. 50125 -- Tolkien 50126% 50127This ae nighte, this ae nighte, 50128Everye nighte and alle, 50129Fire and sleet and candlelyte, 50130And Christe receive thy saule. 50131 -- The Lykewake Dirge 50132% 50133This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can 50134speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; 50135batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, 50136deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, 50137Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, 50138spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, 50139beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, 50140pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; 50141half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have 50142a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, 50143individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be 50144limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective? 50145% 50146This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. 50147(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) 50148 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building 50149% 50150This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd. 50151% 50152This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and 50153intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which they 50154are addressed. If you are not the intended recipient of this 50155transmission, please delete it immediately. 50156 50157Obviously, I am the idiot who sent it to you by mistake. Furthermore, 50158there is no way I can force you to delete it. Worse, by the time you 50159have reached this disclaimer you have already read the document. 50160Telling you to forget it would seem absurd. In any event, I have no 50161legal right to force you to take any action upon this email anyway. 50162 50163This entire disclaimer is just a waste of everyone's time and 50164bandwidth. Therefore, let us just forget the whole thing and enjoy a 50165cold beer instead. 50166 -- found on the dovecot mailinglist 50167% 50168This file will self-destruct in five minutes. 50169% 50170This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 50171% 50172This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate 50173need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates 50174random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come 50175up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at 50176all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. 50177% 50178This fortune intentionally not included. 50179% 50180This fortune intentionally says nothing. 50181% 50182This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose 50183invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. 50184% 50185This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! 50186% 50187This fortune is false. 50188% 50189This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 50190% 50191This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. 50192% 50193This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. 50194% 50195This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. 50196% 50197This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. 50198We have emotional moving vans. 50199 -- Bruce Feirstein 50200% 50201This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your 50202bags! I just won the California lottery!" 50203 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" 50204 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out 50205of the house by dinner!" 50206% 50207This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 50208regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... 50209% 50210This is a good time to punt work. 50211% 50212This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT 50213DOG. 50214 -- Bob Violence 50215% 50216This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an 50217actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you? 50218% 50219This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. 50220Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here. 50221% 50222This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, 50223because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under 50224which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has 50225"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the 50226consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any 50227rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for 50228oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill 50229Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers 50230over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These 50231innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been 50232passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with 50233amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do 50234apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, 50235and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. 50236 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" 50237% 50238This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. 50239% 50240This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my 50241Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage 50242and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! 50243% 50244This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, 50245and not enough hunchbacks. 50246% 50247This is for all ill-treated fellows 50248 Unborn and unbegot, 50249For them to read when they're in trouble 50250 And I am not. 50251 -- A. E. Housman 50252% 50253This is Jim Rockford. 50254At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. 50255% 50256This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back 50257to one. 50258 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 50259% 50260This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and 50261his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. 50262Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. 50263% 50264This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? 50265I don't talk to machines! [Click] 50266% 50267This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 50268% 50269This is NOT a repeat. 50270% 50271This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The 50272spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men 50273who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. 50274 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938 50275% 50276THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 50277 50278If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your 50279contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue 50280without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are 50281contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We 50282can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money 50283for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the 50284difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight 50285and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 50286"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before 50287you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. 50288Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 5028930 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The 50290Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or 50291more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ... 50292% 50293This is supposed to be a happy occasion. 50294Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who! 50295% 50296This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok, 50297meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars 50298and come alone. I'm serious! 50299% 50300This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, 50301which is a little ironic since we may not have one. 50302 -- Arthur C. Clarke 50303% 50304This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 50305power of computers: 50306 50307Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the 50308thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum 50309level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that 50310one should eat each day: 50311 50312 1/2 chicken 50313 1 egg 50314 1 glass of skim milk 50315 27 heads of lettuce. 50316 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 50317% 50318This is the _L_A_S_T time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! 50319% 50320This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. 50321 -- Winston Churchill 50322% 50323This is the story of the bee 50324Whose sex is very hard to see 50325 50326You cannot tell the he from the she 50327But she can tell, and so can he 50328 50329The little bee is never still 50330She has no time to take the pill 50331 50332And that is why, in times like these 50333There are so many sons of bees. 50334% 50335This is the theory that Jack built. 50336This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. 50337This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in... 50338% 50339This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 50340And now you know why. 50341% 50342This is the way the world ends, 50343This is the way the world ends, 50344This is the way the world ends, 50345Not with a bang but with a whimper. 50346 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" 50347% 50348This is your fortune. 50349% 50350This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 50351 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper 50352% 50353This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's 50354constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's 50355been called by others the fiddle factor..." 50356 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture 50357% 50358This land is full of trousers! 50359this land is full of mausers! 50360 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! 50361 -- The Firesign Theatre 50362% 50363This land is made of mountains, 50364This land is made of mud, 50365This land has lots of everything, 50366For me and Elmer Fudd. 50367 50368This land has lots of trousers, 50369This land has lots of mousers, 50370And pussycats to eat them 50371When the sun goes down. 50372% 50373This land is my land, and only my land, 50374I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one, 50375If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off, 50376This land is private property. 50377 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie 50378% 50379This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an 50380actual life, you would have received further instructions as 50381to what to do and where to go. 50382% 50383This life is yours. Some of it was given 50384to you; the rest, you made yourself. 50385% 50386This login session: $13.99 50387% 50388This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 50389% 50390This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. 50391% 50392This night methinks is but the daylight sick. 50393 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 50394% 50395This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 50396great force. 50397 -- Dorothy Parker 50398% 50399This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers 50400are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people 50401who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets 50402don't actually hurt. 50403 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a 50404Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his 50405hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're 50406man enough to take me on?" 50407 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the 50408Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two 50409tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of 50410a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the 50411Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, 50412"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?" 50413 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men) 50414charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. 50415After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine 50416crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man, 50417"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath, 50418replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!" 50419% 50420This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've 50421got to find a way off this planet. 50422% 50423This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 50424the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 50425solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 50426largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 50427which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 50428paper that were unhappy. 50429 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 50430% 50431This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 50432something child-like. 50433 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 50434% 50435This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real 50436persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some 50437assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during 50438shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If 50439condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. 50440Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct, 50441indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error 50442or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial 50443penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your canceled 50444check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families 50445are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time 50446offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. 50447Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does 50448not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call 50449toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product 50450appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do 50451not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be 50452paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many 50453suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction 50454strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror 50455are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes 50456all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. 50457% 50458This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland 50459student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. 50460 50461 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use 50462 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one 50463 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system 50464 which identifies errors in the original program. 50465% 50466This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his 50467mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry 50468often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and 50469adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. 50470 -- Lazarus Long 50471% 50472This screen intentionally left blank. 50473% 50474This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. 50475 -- Douglas Hofstadter 50476% 50477This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have. 50478% 50479This sentence no verb. 50480% 50481This system will self-destruct in five minutes. 50482% 50483This thing all things devours: 50484Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; 50485Gnaws iron, bites steel; 50486Grinds hard stones to meal; 50487Slays king, ruins town, 50488And beats high mountain down. 50489% 50490This unit... must... survive. 50491% 50492This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the 50493contents may have occurred during shipment. 50494% 50495This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard 50496dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft, 50497pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it. 50498 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination" 50499% 50500This was the most unkindest cut of all. 50501 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 50502% 50503This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. 50504This was terrible with raisins in it. 50505 -- Dorothy Parker 50506% 50507This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! 50508% 50509This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. 50510% 50511This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he. 50512The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup 50513could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!" 50514 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car 50515wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged 50516pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow 50517and was lying about twenty feet away. 50518 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by 50519"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!" 50520% 50521Those lovable Brits department: 50522 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'. 50523% 50524Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those 50525of us who do. 50526% 50527Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do. 50528% 50529Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) 50530are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse 50531at are called software. 50532 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological 50533 Literacy for the 1990's. 50534% 50535Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have 50536learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. 50537 -- W. S. Krabill 50538% 50539Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of 50540Silly Putty. 50541 -- Dennis Rawlins 50542% 50543Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. 50544% 50545Those who can, do; those who can't, write. 50546Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record. 50547% 50548Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities. 50549 -- Voltaire 50550% 50551Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. 50552 -- George Santayana 50553% 50554Those who can't write, write manuals. 50555% 50556Those who claim the dead never return 50557to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. 50558% 50559Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 50560 -- French Proverb 50561% 50562Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 50563 -- Henry Spencer 50564% 50565Those who do things in a noble spirit of 50566self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. 50567 -- N. Alexander 50568% 50569Those who educate children well are more to be honored than 50570parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 50571 -- Aristotle 50572% 50573Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often 50574surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. 50575 -- Mark B. Cohen 50576% 50577Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty 50578Often have a share in their misfortunes. 50579 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" 50580% 50581Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the 50582world is love. The poor know that it is money. 50583 -- Gerald Brenan 50584% 50585Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 50586% 50587Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 50588will make violent revolution inevitable. 50589 -- John F. Kennedy 50590% 50591Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are 50592men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 50593without the roar of its many waters. 50594 -- Frederick Douglass 50595% 50596Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels 50597Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. 50598While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise 50599PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze 50600Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung. 50601 50602Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde 50603Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord 50604Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled 50605Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled 50606The highest rung. In his bung. 50607 50608Because in life they prayed so ill 50609And offered god such swinish swill 50610Now they sweat in flames of hell 50611Sweat from lack of APL 50612Sweat dung! 50613% 50614Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. 50615% 50616Thou hast seen nothing yet. 50617 -- Miguel de Cervantes 50618% 50619Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 50620be maintained. 50621 -- The Tao of Programming 50622% 50623Though I respect that a lot 50624I'd be fired if that were my job 50625After killing Jason off and 50626Countless screaming argonauts 50627 50628Bluebird of friendliness 50629Like guardian angels it's 50630Always near 50631 50632Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch 50633Who watches over you 50634Make a little birdhouse in your soul 50635Not to put too fine a point on it 50636Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet 50637Make a little birdhouse in your soul 50638 50639 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants 50640% 50641Thrashing is just virtual crashing. 50642% 50643Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 50644the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 50645Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 50646whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A 50647fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 50648more about the matter than the others. 50649 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 50650% 50651Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. 50652 -- Trollope 50653% 50654Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. 50655 -- Benjamin Franklin 50656% 50657Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan, 50658all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence: 50659"Old MacDonald had a . . ." 50660 50661 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan. 50662 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said. 50663 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the 50664 service station," said the Missourian. 50665 "Wrong." 50666 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan. 50667 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'" 50668 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O." 50669% 50670Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought 50671is irksome and three minutes is a long time. 50672 -- A. E. Housman 50673% 50674Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too 50675late or a little too early for anything you want to do. 50676 -- Jean-Paul Sartre 50677% 50678Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, 50679Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, 50680Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, 50681One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne 50682In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 50683One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, 50684One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them 50685In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 50686 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" 50687% 50688Three rules for sounding like an expert: 50689 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. 50690 2. Always point out second-order effects, 50691 but never point out when they can be ignored. 50692 3. Come up with three rules of your own. 50693% 50694Throw away documentation and manuals, 50695and users will be a hundred times happier. 50696Throw away privileges and quotas, 50697and users will do the Right Thing. 50698Throw away proprietary and site licenses, 50699and there won't be any pirating. 50700 50701If these three aren't enough, 50702just stay at your home directory 50703and let all processes take their course. 50704% 50705Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know 50706what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. 50707 -- Bertrand Russell 50708% 50709Thus spake the master programmer: 50710 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program 50711 is its own hell." 50712 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 50713% 50714Thus spake the master programmer: 50715 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." 50716 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 50717% 50718Thus spake the master programmer: 50719 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will 50720 be productive." 50721 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 50722% 50723Thus spake the master programmer: 50724 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 50725 be maintained." 50726 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 50727% 50728Thus spake the master programmer: 50729 "Time for you to leave." 50730 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 50731% 50732Thus spake the master programmer: 50733 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." 50734 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 50735% 50736Thus spake the master programmer: 50737 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from 50738 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." 50739 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 50740% 50741Thus spake the master programmer: 50742 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, 50743 hardware is useless." 50744 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 50745% 50746Thus spake the master programmer: 50747 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you 50748 can't make him computer literate." 50749 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 50750% 50751Thyme's Law: 50752 Everything goes wrong at once. 50753% 50754Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day 50755Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way 50756Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown 50757Waiting for someone or something to show you the way 50758 50759Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find 50760Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you 50761You are young and life is long No one told you when to run 50762And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun 50763 50764And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking 50765And racing around to come up behind you again 50766The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older 50767Shorter of breath and one day closer to death 50768 50769Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation 50770 is the English way 50771Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over 50772Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say... 50773Or half a page of scribbled lines 50774 -- Pink Floyd, "Time" 50775% 50776Tiddely Quiddely 50777Edward M. Kennedy 50778Quite unaccountably 50779Drove in a stream. 50780 50781Pleas of amnesia 50782Incomprehensible 50783Possibly shattered 50784Political dream. 50785% 50786Tiger got to hunt, 50787Bird got to fly; 50788Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?" 50789 50790Tiger got to sleep, 50791Bird got to land; 50792Man got to tell himself he understand. 50793 -- The Books of Bokonon 50794% 50795Time and tide wait for no man. 50796% 50797Time as he grows old teaches all things. 50798 -- Aeschylus 50799% 50800Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. 50801% 50802Time goes, you say? 50803Ah no! 50804Time stays, *we* go. 50805 -- Austin Dobson 50806% 50807Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. 50808 -- Hector Berlioz 50809% 50810Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. 50811 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 50812% 50813Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. 50814% 50815Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. 50816 -- Henry David Thoreau 50817% 50818Time is nature's way of making sure that 50819everything doesn't happen at once. 50820 50821Space is nature's way of making sure that 50822everything doesn't happen to you. 50823% 50824Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. 50825 -- Theophrastus 50826% 50827Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer. 50828% 50829Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing. 50830% 50831Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo. 50832% 50833Time to take stock. 50834Go home with some office supplies. 50835% 50836Time washes clean 50837Love's wounds unseen. 50838That's what someone told me; 50839But I don't know what it means. 50840 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time" 50841% 50842Time will end all my troubles, 50843but I don't always approve of Time's methods. 50844% 50845Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. 50846 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed) 50847% 50848Timesharing, n.: 50849 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. 50850% 50851Timing must be perfect now. 50852Two-timing must be better than perfect. 50853% 50854Tip of the Day: 50855 Never fry bacon in the nude. 50856% 50857Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control. 50858 -- J. LeBoutillier 50859% 50860Tip the world over on its side and 50861everything loose will land in Los Angeles. 50862 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 50863% 50864TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: 50865 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. 50866 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. 50867 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than 50868 they would ordinarily. 50869 There is no music in space. 50870 People will pay to watch people make sounds. 50871 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life. 50872% 50873TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of 50874force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product", 50875the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available 50876to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants 50877recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr. 50878Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... 50879 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has 50880 never been easier." 50881Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use 50882it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector 50883components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the 50884work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the 50885magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how 50886much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! 50887But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous 50888Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get 50889Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!! 50890Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again... 508911-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not 50892available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. 50893% 50894Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. 50895% 50896'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. 50897 -- H. L. Mencken 50898% 50899To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he 50900is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and 50901stopping at red lights are both optional. 50902 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 50903% 50904To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go 50905above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan 50906to spend a few days there. 50907 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 50908% 50909To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons 50910in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other. 50911 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 50912% 50913To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, 50914in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The 50915only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the 50916Swedes speak better English. 50917 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 50918% 50919To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than 50920a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred 50921thousand. 50922 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 50923% 50924To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. 50925To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither 50926oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. 50927 -- Epictetus 50928% 50929To add insult to injury. 50930 -- Phaedrus 50931% 50932To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are 50933to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and 50934servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." 50935 -- Theodore Roosevelt 50936% 50937To any truly impartial person, it would 50938be obvious that I am always right. 50939% 50940To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. 50941 -- Elbert Hubbard 50942% 50943To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. 50944 -- Shelley 50945% 50946To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who 50947should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing. 50948 -- Thackeray 50949% 50950To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job 50951than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult. 50952% 50953To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North 50954Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. 50955 -- Confucius 50956% 50957To be great is to be misunderstood. 50958 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 50959% 50960To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in 50961Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's 50962fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste. 50963It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country 50964in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar 50965weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can 50966be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is 50967a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States 50968and not be happy. 50969 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American" 50970% 50971To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 50972% 50973To be is to be related. 50974 -- C. J. Keyser 50975% 50976To be is to do. 50977 -- I. Kant 50978To do is to be. 50979 -- A. Sartre 50980Do be a Do Bee! 50981 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room 50982Do be do be do! 50983 -- F. Sinatra 50984Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 50985 -- F. Flintstone 50986% 50987To be loved is very demoralizing. 50988 -- Katharine Hepburn 50989% 50990To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, 50991night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest 50992battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. 50993 -- e. e. cummings, "A Miscellany" 50994% 50995To be or not to be. 50996 -- Shakespeare 50997To do is to be. 50998 -- Nietzsche 50999To be is to do. 51000 -- Sartre 51001Do be do be do. 51002 -- Sinatra 51003% 51004To be or not to be, that is the bottom line. 51005% 51006To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects 51007but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own. 51008 -- Lionel Strachey 51009% 51010To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore 51011this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to 51012offer in response is based on information available to make no such 51013statement. 51014% 51015To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. 51016 -- Golda Meir 51017% 51018To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times 51019as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult. 51020% 51021To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first 51022and, whatever you hit, call it the target. 51023% 51024To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. 51025% 51026To be who one is, is not to be someone else. 51027% 51028To be wise, the only thing you really need 51029to know is when to say "I don't know." 51030% 51031To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for 51032you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. 51033 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 51034% 51035To code the impossible code, This is my quest -- 51036To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code, 51037To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless, 51038To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load, 51039 To write those routines 51040To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause, 51041To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV 51042To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause. 51043To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true 51044 To this glorious quest, 51045And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm, 51046That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test. 51047 destined to lose, 51048Still strove with his last allocation 51049To scrap the unscrappable kludge! 51050 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha 51051% 51052To communicate is the beginning of understanding. 51053 -- AT&T 51054% 51055To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances 51056may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence. 51057 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661 51058% 51059To craunch a marmoset. 51060 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke" 51061% 51062To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far 51063more important than the ability to say yes. 51064 -- Michi Henning 51065% 51066To criticize the incompetent is easy; 51067it is more difficult to criticize the competent. 51068% 51069To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life. 51070 -- Senator Edmund Muskie 51071% 51072To do nothing is to be nothing. 51073% 51074To do two things at once is to do neither. 51075 -- Publilius Syrus 51076% 51077To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally 51078convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. 51079 -- H. Poincare 51080% 51081To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think 51082of four kids and one bathroom. 51083 -- John DiMarco 51084% 51085To err is human -- but it feels divine. 51086 -- Mae West 51087% 51088To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so. 51089% 51090To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up. 51091% 51092To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. 51093% 51094To err is human, but when the eraser wears out 51095before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little. 51096% 51097To err is human; to admit it, a blunder. 51098% 51099To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. 51100% 51101To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. 51102% 51103To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. 51104 -- MIT Assassination Club 51105% 51106To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. 51107 -- Benjamin Franklin 51108% 51109To err is human, two curs canine. 51110To err is human, to moo bovine. 51111% 51112To err is human. 51113To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human. 51114% 51115To err is human, 51116To purr feline. 51117 -- Robert Byrne 51118% 51119To err is humor. 51120% 51121To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. 51122 -- B. Duggan 51123% 51124To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: 51125A time to be born, and a time to die; 51126A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; 51127A time to kill, and a time to heal; 51128A time to break down, and a time to build up; 51129A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 51130A time to mourn, and a time to dance; 51131A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; 51132A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 51133A time to gain, and a time to lose; 51134A time to keep, and a time to throw away; 51135A time to tear, and a time to sew; 51136A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 51137A time to love, and a time to hate; 51138A time of war, and a time of peace. 51139 Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 51140% 51141To fear love is to fear life, and those 51142who fear life are already three parts dead. 51143 -- Bertrand Russell 51144% 51145To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. 51146 -- Norman Douglas 51147% 51148To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. 51149 -- Benjamin Franklin 51150% 51151To generalize is to be an idiot. 51152 -- William Blake 51153% 51154To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. 51155% 51156To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. 51157To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. 51158% 51159To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 51160persons, two of them absent. 51161% 51162To give happiness is to deserve happiness. 51163% 51164To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. 51165% 51166To have died once is enough. 51167 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 51168% 51169To hell with the Prime Directive; 51170Let's _K_I_L_L something! 51171% 51172To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 51173 -- Thomas Edison 51174% 51175To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 51176 -- Robert Heller 51177% 51178To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. 51179 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations 51180% 51181To keep your friends treat them kindly; 51182to kill them, treat them often. 51183% 51184To know Edina is to reject it. 51185 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election" 51186% 51187To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. 51188% 51189To lead people, you must follow behind. 51190 -- Lao Tsu 51191% 51192To listen to some devout people, 51193one would imagine that God never laughs. 51194 -- Sri Aurobindo 51195% 51196To love is good, love being difficult. 51197% 51198To make an enemy, do someone a favor. 51199% 51200To make tax forms true they should 51201read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You". 51202% 51203To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. 51204 -- St. Augustine 51205% 51206TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered 51207where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the 51208circus and a clown killed my dad. 51209 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 51210% 51211To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura 51212bitters. Shake. 51213 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail 51214% 51215To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. 51216 -- 19th century toast 51217% 51218To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. 51219% 51220To restore a sense of reality, I think 51221Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. 51222 -- Jack Paar 51223% 51224To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. 51225% 51226To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, 51227but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor 51228micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious. 51229 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp 51230% 51231To say you got a vote of confidence 51232would be to say you needed a vote of confidence. 51233 -- Andrew Young 51234% 51235To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. 51236% 51237To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block, 51238and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was 51239agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy. 51240There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; 51241it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of 51242tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of 51243mind over matter; quite. 51244 -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" 51245% 51246To see you is to sympathize. 51247% 51248To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts 51249the job will take the longest and cost the most. 51250% 51251To stand and be still, 51252At the Birkenhead drill, 51253Is a damned tough bullet to chew. 51254 -- Rudyard Kipling 51255% 51256To stay young requires unceasing cultivation 51257of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. 51258 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 51259% 51260To stay youthful, stay useful. 51261% 51262To teach is to learn. 51263% 51264To teach is to learn twice. 51265 -- Joseph Joubert 51266% 51267To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. 51268% 51269To the landlord belongs the doorknobs. 51270% 51271To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide 51272a test load. 51273% 51274To Theodore Roosevelt: 51275 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. 51276The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but 51277you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, 51278must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours. 51279 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli 51280 Lord of the Riff 51281 Sultan to the Berbers 51282 Last of the Barbary Pirates 51283% 51284To thine own self be true. 51285(If not that, at least make some money.) 51286% 51287To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is 51288madness. 51289 -- Eugene Ionesco 51290% 51291To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 51292system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 51293inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 51294precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, 51295uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 51296well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 51297of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 51298secure ecological niche. 51299 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 51300% 51301TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: 51302 51303 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 51304what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 51305may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. 51306 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required 51307to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the 51308destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted 51309or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your 51310receiving said benefit. 51311 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between 51312yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving 51313as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may 51314in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 51315 Amen. 51316 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969 51317% 51318To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. 51319% 51320To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what 51321he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. 51322% 51323To understand this important story, you have to understand how the 51324telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local 51325computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is 51326in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the 51327lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. 51328 51329Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it 51330suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the 51331computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the 51332one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe 51333break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid 51334incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, 51335an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca 51336pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's 51337loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen 51338and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. 51339 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own 51340 Phones?" 51341% 51342To use violence is to already be defeated. 51343 -- Chinese proverb 51344% 51345To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? 51346% 51347To whom the mornings are like nights, 51348What must the midnights be! 51349 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?) 51350% 51351To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly 51352strip down your words to naked, willing flesh. 51353Then bind them to a metaphor or three, 51354and take by force a satisfying mesh. 51355Arrange them to your will, each foot in place. 51356You are the master here, and they the slaves. 51357Now whip them to maintain a constant pace 51358and rhythm as they stand in even staves. 51359A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out! 51360What use are words that drive not to the heart? 51361A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt, 51362and choose more docile words to take its part. 51363A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, 51364by making love directly to the brain. 51365% 51366To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition. 51367 -- Woody Allen 51368% 51369Tobacco is a filthy weed, 51370That from the devil does proceed; 51371It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, 51372And makes a chimney of your nose. 51373 -- B. Waterhouse 51374% 51375TODAY: 51376 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. 51377% 51378Today is a good day for information-gathering. 51379Read someone else's mail file. 51380% 51381Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 51382% 51383Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 51384% 51385Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 51386% 51387Today is the first day of the rest of your life. 51388% 51389Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 51390% 51391Today is the last day of your life so far. 51392% 51393Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 51394% 51395Today is what happened to yesterday. 51396% 51397Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word 51398except in major motion pictures. 51399 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 51400% 51401Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a 51402cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a 51403boarder. 51404% 51405Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. 51406% 51407Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? 51408 51409And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? 51410 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 51411% 51412Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 51413cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 51414spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! 51415 -- Bob & Ray 51416% 51417Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. 51418 -- Hunter S. Thompson 51419% 51420Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. 51421% 51422Toilet Toupee, n.: 51423 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 51424 creating endless annoyance to male users. 51425 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 51426% 51427Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name. 51428 -- Gore Vidal 51429% 51430Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past 51431but fortunately, it can still be changed today. 51432% 51433Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. 51434% 51435Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. 51436% 51437Tomorrow's computers some time next month. 51438 -- DEC 51439% 51440Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch. 51441% 51442Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; 51443Don't forget to leave a tip. 51444% 51445Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 51446% 51447Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: 51448 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. 51449% 51450Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy 51451driving cabs and cutting hair. 51452 -- George Burns 51453% 51454TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin 51455real fast and freak everybody out. 51456 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 51457% 51458Too clever is dumb. 51459 -- Ogden Nash 51460% 51461Too cool to calypso, 51462Too tough to tango, 51463Too weird to watusi 51464 -- The Only Ones 51465% 51466Too Late 51467 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by 51468the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in 51469the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after 51470the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby. 51471 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861 51472% 51473Too many of his [Mozart's] works sound like interoffice memos. 51474 -- Glenn Gould 51475% 51476Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. 51477They seem more afraid of life than death. 51478 -- James F. Byrnes 51479% 51480Too much is just enough. 51481 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey 51482% 51483Too much is not enough. 51484% 51485Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 51486 -- Mae West 51487% 51488Too much of everything is just enough. 51489 -- Bob Wier 51490% 51491Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available 51492briefcases. 51493 -- Governor Jerry Brown 51494% 51495Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for 51496anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations 51497in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." 51498 -- Instrument News 51499 [Once is too often. Ed.] 51500% 51501Too ripped. Gotta go. 51502% 51503Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. 51504% 51505Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer: 51506 5150710) Specifications are for the weak and timid! 51508 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! 51509 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! 51510 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. 51511 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality 51512 assurance people in its wake. 51513 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' 51514 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. 51515 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. 51516 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! 51517 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features 51518 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. 51519 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the 51520 original Klingon. 51521 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship 51522 it and let them flee like the dogs they are! 51523% 51524Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the 51525earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. 51526As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. 51527Please... 51528 51529 CONSERVE GRAVITY 51530 51531Follow these simple suggestions: 51532 51533(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. 51534(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. 51535(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like 51536 curling. 51537(4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead. 51538(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big 51539 pile. 51540(6) Stop flipping pancakes 51541% 51542Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: 51543 5154410: Sorry, but that's too useful. 51545 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! 51546 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell 51547 #pragma is for. 51548 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too 51549 hard to write. 51550 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar. 51551 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here? 51552 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" 51553 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. 51554 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. 51555 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias". 51556% 51557Topologists are just plane folks. 51558 Pilots are just plane folks. 51559 Carpenters are just plane folks. 51560 Midwest farmers are just plain folks. 51561 Musicians are just playin' folks. 51562 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks. 51563Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. 51564% 51565Torque is cheap. 51566% 51567Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most. 51568% 51569TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day): 51570 I'm the person your mother warned you about. 51571% 51572Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore. 51573 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz" 51574% 51575Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you 51576get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking." 51577 -- David Letterman 51578% 51579Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme 51580personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer. 51581 -- A. Gide 51582% 51583Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. 51584 -- David Letterman 51585% 51586TRANSACTION CANCELED - FARECARD RETURNED 51587% 51588TRANSFER: 51589 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. 51590% 51591TRANSPARENT: 51592 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. 51593 "It's there, but you can't see it" 51594 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964 51595 51596VIRTUAL: 51597 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. 51598 "I can see it, but it's not there." 51599 -- Lady Macbeth 51600% 51601TRANSVESTITE: 51602 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. 51603% 51604Trap full -- please empty. 51605% 51606TRAVEL: 51607 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. 51608% 51609Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 51610% 51611Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. 51612 -- Han Solo 51613% 51614Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. 51615"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. 51616 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has 51617to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or 51618by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms 51619for a short spell?" 51620% 51621Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. 51622 -- Publilius Syrus 51623% 51624Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. 51625 -- Charles DeGaulle 51626% 51627Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. 51628 -- Michelangelo 51629% 51630Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. 51631% 51632Trouble always comes at the wrong time. 51633% 51634Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the 51635next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of 51636a brand new series of three. 51637% 51638Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live 51639in eucalyptus trees. 51640% 51641Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. 51642% 51643True happiness will be found only in true love. 51644% 51645True leadership is the art of changing 51646a group from what it is to what it ought to be. 51647 -- Virginia Allan 51648% 51649True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of 51650personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. 51651 -- David Mamet 51652% 51653Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. 51654 -- Henrik Tikkanen 51655% 51656Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. 51657 -- Norman Augustine 51658% 51659Trust everybody, but cut the cards. 51660 -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" 51661% 51662Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. 51663 -- Arabian proverb 51664% 51665TRUST ME: 51666 Get me, give me, buy me, do me. 51667% 51668TRUST ME: 51669 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." 51670% 51671Trust your husband, adore your husband, 51672and get as much as you can in your own name. 51673 -- Joan Rivers 51674% 51675Truth can wait; he's used to it. 51676% 51677Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. 51678 -- Albert Schweitzer 51679% 51680Truth is free, but information costs. 51681% 51682Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. 51683% 51684Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense. 51685% 51686Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 51687 -- Mark Twain 51688% 51689Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy 51690of him that brought her birth. 51691 -- Milton 51692% 51693Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 51694% 51695Truthful, adj.: 51696 Dumb and illiterate. 51697 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 51698% 51699try again 51700% 51701Try not to have a good time ... 51702This is supposed to be educational. 51703 -- Charles Schulz 51704% 51705Try not. 51706Do. 51707Or do not. 51708There is no try. 51709% 51710Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. 51711% 51712Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. 51713% 51714Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 51715% 51716Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. 51717% 51718Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is 51719it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four 51720tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for 51721novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past, 51722the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future. 51723 -- Amrom Katz 51724% 51725Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 51726% 51727Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. 51728% 51729Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. 51730 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 51731% 51732Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. 51733% 51734Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 51735specification is that it should run noiselessly. 51736% 51737Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 51738 -- Alan Watts 51739% 51740Trying to establish voice contact ... please _y_e_l_l into keyboard. 51741% 51742Trying to get an education here is like 51743trying to take a drink from a fire hose. 51744% 51745T-shirt: 51746 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum! 51747% 51748Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. 51749% 51750Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. 51751% 51752Turn on, tune in, and take over. 51753 -- Tim Leary 51754% 51755Turn the other cheek. 51756 -- Jesus Christ 51757% 51758Turnaucka's Law: 51759 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 51760 electrical cord. 51761% 51762Tussman's Law: 51763 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 51764% 51765TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 51766 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 51767% 51768'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, 51769and I never even had the decency to thank her. 51770 -- R. B. Gossling 51771% 51772"Twas bergen and the eirie road 51773Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son! 51774All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails 51775And the red bank bayonne. that claw! 51776 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun 51777He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw." 51778Long time the folsom foe he sought 51779Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood, 51780And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame, 51781 Came whippany through the englewood, 51782One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came. 51783 and through 51784The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong? 51785He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy! 51786He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!" 51787 He caldwell in his joy. 51788Did mahwah into patterson: 51789All jersey were the ocean groves, 51790And the red bank bayonne. 51791 -- Paul Kieffer 51792% 51793'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 51794Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! 51795All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws 51796And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch! 51797 Beware the Jubjub bird, 51798He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" 51799Long time the manxome foe he sought. 51800So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood 51801And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 51802 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 51803One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came! 51804 through 51805The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 51806He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 51807And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 51808 He chortled in his joy. 51809'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 51810Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 51811All mimsy were the borogroves 51812And the mome raths outgrabe. 51813 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky" 51814% 51815'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers 51816Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son! 51817All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth 51818By market's wrath unphased. that falls! 51819 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun 51820He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!" 51821Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought - 51822Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood 51823And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, 51824 Came waffling with the truth too good, 51825Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! 51826 and through 51827The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? 51828It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! 51829He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" 51830 He bought him a Mercedes Toy. 51831'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers 51832Did gyre and tumble in the Crash 51833All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers 51834And mammon's wrath them bash! 51835 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" 51836% 51837'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 51838Did gyre and gimble in their cave 51839All mimsy was the CS-VAX 51840And Cory raths outgrabe. 51841 51842"Beware the software rot, my son! 51843The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 51844Beware the broken pipe, and shun 51845The frumious system crash!" 51846% 51847'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans, 51848Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot, 51849So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way 51850To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot. 51851 51852The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door 51853Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by, 51854Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air, 51855On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye. 51856 51857She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale 51858Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see, 51859As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey 51860And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea. 51861 -- Midnight On The Ocean 51862% 51863'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one -- 51864When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun. 51865Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh, 51866A satellite spotted him making his way. 51867The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire 51868Was ready for action, and started to fire! 51869The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky 51870Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July. 51871I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys 51872When out of my chimney there came a great noise. 51873I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see 51874St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me. 51875But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking: 51876A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking! 51877Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell; 51878Outside burning toys like confetti they fell. 51879So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone: 51880The Star Wars computer had got something wrong. 51881Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart; 51882'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start. 51883It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell, 51884If the crazy contraption would work very well. 51885So after a trillion or two had been spent 51886The system thought Santa a Red missile sent. 51887So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, 51888There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. 51889% 51890'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 51891 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And 51892 throughout our place of residence, 51893Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the 51894 possessors of this potential, including that 51895 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. 51896Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward 51897 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, 51898Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an 51899 imminent visitation from an eccentric 51900 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations 51901 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... 51902% 51903Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. 51904 -- Walt Kelly 51905% 51906Twenty two thousand days. 51907Twenty two thousand days. 51908It's not a lot. 51909It's all you've got. 51910Twenty two thousand days. 51911 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" 51912% 51913Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers 51914in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and 51915was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy 51916fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. 51917 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, 51918"Light, bearing on the starboard bow." 51919 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out. 51920 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous 51921collision course with that ship. 51922 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on 51923a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees." 51924 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees." 51925 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20 51926degrees!" 51927 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change 51928course 20 degrees." 51929 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a 51930battleship, change course 20 degrees." 51931 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!" 51932 We changed course. 51933 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings" 51934% 51935Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 51936 -- Howard Kandel 51937% 51938Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. 51939% 51940Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The 51941penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn, 51942"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The 51943owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks 51944up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating 51945away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to 51946the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to 51947the movies!" 51948% 51949Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his 51950barstool and lay motionless on the floor. 51951 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure 51952knows when to stop." 51953% 51954Two heads are better than one. 51955 -- John Heywood 51956% 51957Two heads are more numerous than one. 51958% 51959Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was 51960performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by 51961British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General 51962Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in 51963her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided 51964a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon 51965entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention, 51966and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their 51967search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the 51968incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event 51969became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers. 51970% 51971Two is company, three is an orgy. 51972% 51973Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. 51974% 51975Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a 51976canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can 51977call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the 51978end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!" 51979 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where 51980are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 51981 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! 51982You're lost!" 51983 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician." 51984 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?" 51985 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, 51986he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." 51987% 51988Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said, 51989"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said, 51990"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour 51991trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising 51992his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine 51993the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself 51994and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man 51995did it and must pay three silver pieces." 51996% 51997Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. 51998% 51999Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, 52000with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that 52001toast always falls on the buttered side," said one. 52002 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look 52003at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the 52004dry side. 52005 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?" 52006 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side." 52007% 52008Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted. 52009% 52010Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 52011% 52012Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. 52013% 52014Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By 52015the way, did you hear that Romanov died?" 52016 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!" 52017% 52018Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. 52019I forget the second. 52020% 52021Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one 52022orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more 52023and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When 52024they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other, 52025toasts him, "Skoal!" 52026 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come 52027here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?" 52028% 52029Two wrongs are only the beginning. 52030 -- Kohn 52031% 52032Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. 52033 -- Thomas Szasz 52034% 52035Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. 52036% 52037Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain? 52038In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain? 52039What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp 52040Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp? 52041 52042Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears 52043The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears 52044On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see? 52045What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee? 52046 52047And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright 52048Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night, 52049And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye 52050What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? 52051 52052Could fetch it from the furnace deep 52053And in thy horrid ribs dare steep 52054In the well of sanguine woe? 52055In what clay & in what mould 52056Were thy eyes of fury roll'd? 52057 -- William Blake, "The Tyger" 52058% 52059Type louder, please. 52060% 52061U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 52062 Run right up and rub its horn. 52063 Look at all those points you're losing! 52064 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 52065 -- The Roguelet's ABC 52066% 52067Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex. 52068(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) 52069 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) 52070% 52071Udall's Fourth Law: 52072 Any change or reform you make 52073 is going to have consequences you don't like. 52074% 52075UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 52076% 52077Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, 52078straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: 52079Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity. 52080 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas" 52081% 52082Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer. 52083Sorry for the confusion. 52084 -- Sun Microsystems 52085% 52086Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the 52087woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some 52088leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts 52089coughing and drops dead. 52090 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 52091% 52092Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 52093 Never use your thumb for a rule. 52094 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. 52095% 52096Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 52097just man is also in prison. 52098 -- Henry David Thoreau 52099% 52100Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some 52101ordinance under which you can be booked. 52102 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. 52103% 52104Under deadline pressure for the next week. 52105If you want something, it can wait. 52106Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic... 52107% 52108Under every stone lurks a politician. 52109 -- Aristophanes 52110% 52111Under the wide and heavy VAX 52112Dig my grave and let me relax 52113Long have I lived, and many my hacks 52114And I lay me down with a will. 52115These be the words that tell the way: 52116"Here he lies who piped 64K, 52117Brought down the machine for nearly a day, 52118And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." 52119% 52120Under the wide and starry sky, 52121Dig my grave and let me lie, 52122Glad did I live and gladly die, 52123And laid me down with a will, 52124And this be the verse that you grave for me, 52125Here he lies where he longed to be, 52126Home is the sailor home from the sea, 52127And the hunter home from the hill. 52128 -- R. Kipling 52129% 52130Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 52131 Superiority is recessive. 52132% 52133Understand, v.: 52134 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which 52135 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the 52136 basis of your own internal model instead. 52137% 52138Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem 52139in relation to a bigger problem. 52140 -- P. D. Ouspensky 52141% 52142UNFAIR COMPETITION: 52143 Selling cheaper than we do. 52144% 52145Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many 52146friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to 52147throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, 52148slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound. 52149 -- Jon Bentley 52150% 52151UNION: 52152 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. 52153% 52154United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas 52155season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military 52156forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of 52157every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time 52158low over the world. 52159 -- Isaac Asimov 52160% 52161Universe, n.: 52162 The problem. 52163% 52164Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little 52165in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. 52166% 52167University, n.: 52168 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 52169 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell 52170 you how to fix it, and... 52171 52172 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying 52173 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] 52174% 52175University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. 52176 -- Henry Kissinger 52177% 52178UNIX enhancements aren't. 52179% 52180Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple 52181of more feet, just to be sure. 52182 -- Eric Allman 52183 52184... We make rope. 52185 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory 52186% 52187Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix 52188hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- 52189but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. 52190People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the 52191world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. 52192 -- E. Post 52193 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 52194% 52195Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. 52196 -- Donn Seeley 52197% 52198UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver 52199lightning with a laserbeam kicker. 52200 -- Michael Jay Tucker 52201% 52202UNIX is many things to many people, 52203but it's never been everything to anybody. 52204% 52205Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. 52206 -- Berry Kercheval 52207% 52208Unix, n.: 52209 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and 52210 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off 52211 with the workstation harem. 52212% 52213unix soit qui mal y pense 52214% 52215UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on 52216Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). 52217 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 52218% 52219UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that 52220would also stop you from doing clever things. 52221 -- Doug Gwyn 52222% 52223Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1... 52224% 52225Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime 52226between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white 52227and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40. 52228 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987 52229% 52230Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues 52231of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself 52232a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst 52233be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth 52234time waste me. 52235 -- William Shakespeare 52236% 52237Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. 52238 -- e. e. cummings 52239% 52240Unnamed Law: 52241 If it happens, it must be possible. 52242% 52243Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, 52244unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. 52245 -- Edward Gibbon 52246% 52247Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now 52248pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 52249 -- H. L. Mencken 52250% 52251Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. 52252 -- Richard Armour 52253% 52254UNTOLD WEALTH: 52255 What you left out on April 15th. 52256% 52257Up against the net, redneck mother, 52258Mother who has raised your son so well; 52259He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh, 52260Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... 52261% 52262Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir 52263% 52264Use a pun, go to jail. 52265% 52266Use an accordion. Go to jail. 52267 -- KFOG, San Francisco 52268% 52269Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent 52270if no birds sang there except those that sang best. 52271 -- Henry Van Dyke 52272% 52273USENET would be a better laboratory is there were 52274more labor and less oratory. 52275 -- Elizabeth Haley 52276% 52277User hostile. 52278% 52279User, n.: 52280 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 52281% 52282User, n.: 52283 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 52284 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 52285 52286[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used 52287 when they meant "idiot." Ed.] 52288% 52289Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging 52290an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone 52291living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench. 52292 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University 52293% 52294Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 52295 -- S. C. Johnson 52296% 52297Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old 52298text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your 52299goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you 52300didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...] 52301 52302I always hated those adventure games. 52303 -- David Gerard 52304% 52305Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. 52306 -- Tom Robbins 52307% 52308/usr/news/gotcha 52309% 52310Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. 52311 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener" 52312% 52313Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, 52314opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. 52315 -- Doug Larson 52316% 52317VACATION: 52318 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that 52319 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday 52320 life-style to recuperate. 52321% 52322Vail's Second Axiom: 52323 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the 52324 amount of work already completed. 52325% 52326Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... 52327Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... 52328 -- Tom Chapin 52329% 52330Van Roy's Law: 52331 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 52332% 52333Van Roy's Law: 52334 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. 52335 52336Van Roy's Truism: 52337 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. 52338% 52339Vanilla, adj.: 52340 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, 52341very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla 52342extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply 52343"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot 52344and sour won ton soup. 52345% 52346Variables don't; constants aren't. 52347% 52348Vax Vobiscum 52349% 52350Vegetables are what food eats. 52351Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. 52352Fish are fast moving vegetables. 52353Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. 52354 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams 52355% 52356Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat. 52357% 52358Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 52359 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 52360 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. 52361% 52362Veni, Vidi, VISA: 52363 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. 52364% 52365Verba volant, scripta manent! 52366% 52367Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. 52368 -- E. F. Benson 52369% 52370Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The 52371reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of 52372thirty-five. 52373 -- Joel Hildebrand 52374% 52375Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 52376% 52377Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an 52378infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one 52379could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow 52380somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew 52381ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is 52382quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can 52383lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its 52384outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable 52385little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole 52386for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the 52387screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, 52388is presumably working on it. 52389% 52390Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen 52391at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. 52392 -- Herodotus 52393% 52394Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. 52395% 52396VI: 52397 A hungry dog hunts best. 52398 A hungrier dog hunts even better. 52399VII: 52400 Decreased business base increases overhead. 52401 So does increased business base. 52402VIII: 52403 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator 52404 is fifth grade arithmetic. 52405IX: 52406 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent 52407 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D. 52408X: 52409 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. 52410 People do not win people fights; lawyers do. 52411 -- Norman Augustine 52412% 52413Victory uber allies! 52414% 52415Viking, n.: 52416 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers, 52417 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import 52418 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes. 52419 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning 52420 in the 9th century. 52421 52422Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used 52423only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront 52424property. 52425% 52426Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." 52427Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes 52428 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." 52429% 52430Vini, vidi, vici. 52431[I came, I saw, I conquered]. 52432 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 52433% 52434"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked 52435violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method 52436ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the 52437issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges? 52438% 52439Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. 52440% 52441Violence is molding. 52442% 52443Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 52444 -- Salvor Hardin 52445% 52446Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then 52447there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a 52448frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we 52449weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as 52450impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but 52451shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed. 52452 -- Tom Robbins 52453% 52454VIRGINIA: 52455 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind 52456 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer. 52457% 52458Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the 52459yard. 52460% 52461VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 52462 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 52463sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes 52464fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. 52465% 52466VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22) 52467 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count 52468 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 52469 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 52470 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 52471 that old underwear you own. 52472% 52473"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 52474% 52475Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- 52476only the willingness to make it when necessary. 52477 -- Frederick Dunn 52478% 52479Virtue is its own punishment. 52480 -- Denniston 52481 52482Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. 52483 -- Aneurin Bevan 52484% 52485Virtue is not left to stand alone. 52486He who practices it will have neighbors. 52487 -- Confucius 52488% 52489Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. 52490 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 52491% 52492Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota. 52493% 52494Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. 52495% 52496Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. 52497 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres" 52498% 52499Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 52500from where you left them to where you can't find them. 52501% 52502Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. 52503% 52504VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. 52505% 52506VMS, n.: 52507 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game. 52508% 52509VMS version 2.0 ==> 52510% 52511Voiceless it cries, 52512Wingless flutters, 52513Toothless bites, 52514Mouthless mutters. 52515What am I? 52516% 52517VOLCANO: 52518 A mountain with hiccups. 52519% 52520Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim 52521And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, 52522And to him who's scientific 52523There is nothing that's terrific 52524In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! 52525 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" 52526% 52527Volley Theory: 52528 It is better to have lobbed and lost 52529 than never to have lobbed at all. 52530% 52531Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann 52532supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on 52533the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked 52534how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful 52535information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von 52536Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". 52537% 52538Vote anarchist. 52539% 52540Vote early and vote often. 52541 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform 52542 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. 52543% 52544Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and 52545TAX-DEFERRED! 52546% 52547VUJA DE: 52548 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. 52549% 52550Wagner's music is better than it sounds. 52551 -- Mark Twain 52552% 52553Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. 52554 -- Pericles 52555% 52556Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 525571st customer: "I'll have tea." 525582nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 52559 (Waiter exits, returns) 52560Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 52561% 52562Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, 52563Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. 52564Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, 52565Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again. 52566 52567Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall. 52568Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all. 52569Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled. 52570Make our country well again, respected by the world. 52571 52572Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun. 52573Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done. 52574Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free, 52575Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me. 52576 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder 52577% 52578Wake up and smell the coffee. 52579 -- Ann Landers 52580% 52581Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered 52582a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. 52583% 52584Walk softly and carry a big stick. 52585 -- Theodore Roosevelt 52586% 52587Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. 52588% 52589Walking on water wasn't built in a day. 52590 -- Jack Kerouac 52591% 52592Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions 52593 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics 52594 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.) 52595% 52596Walt: Dad, what's gradual school? 52597Garp: Gradual school? 52598Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching 52599 gradual school. 52600Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually 52601 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore. 52602 -- The World According To Garp 52603% 52604Walters' Rule: 52605 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from 52606 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation 52607 on a plane that left Gate 1. 52608% 52609Wanna buy a duck? 52610% 52611Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed, 52612A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. 52613But then one day he was shootin' at some food, 52614When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is; 52615 black gold; "Texas tea" ... 52616 52617Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire. 52618The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!" 52619They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be", 52620So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; 52621 swimmin' pools; movie stars. 52622% 52623War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. 52624% 52625War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 52626 -- Charles Edward Montague 52627% 52628War is an equal opportunity destroyer. 52629% 52630War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. 52631 -- Desiderius Erasmus 52632% 52633War is like love, it always finds a way. 52634 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage" 52635% 52636War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. 52637 -- Clemenceau 52638% 52639War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. 52640% 52641War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. 52642 -- Anacreon 52643% 52644WARNING: 52645 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 52646 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth 52647 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome 52648 of your favorite war. 52649% 52650WARNING! 52651 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need! 52652A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the 52653user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program 52654to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional 52655to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only 52656aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the 52657entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause 52658it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice 52659things to the terminal. 52660% 52661Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. 52662% 52663Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for 52664those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking 52665up. 52666 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 52667% 52668Warning: Trespassers will be shot. 52669Survivors will be shot again. 52670% 52671WARNING!!! 52672This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. 52673 52674A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the 52675operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the 52676machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional 52677to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence 52678only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine 52679may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool 52680and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. 52681 52682See also: flog(1), tm(1) 52683% 52684Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. 52685% 52686Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles 52687In children's circuses could stay their troubles? 52688There was a time they could cry over books, 52689But time has set its maggot on their track. 52690Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe. 52691What's never known is safest in this life. 52692Under the skysigns they who have no arms 52693Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost 52694Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best. 52695 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" 52696% 52697Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. 52698% 52699Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 52700 -- John F. Kennedy 52701% 52702[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for 52703the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. 52704 -- Ada Louise Huxtable 52705% 52706Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810. 52707% 52708Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer 52709knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? 52710% 52711Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. 52712 -- Euripides 52713% 52714Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 52715% 52716Wasting time is an important part of living. 52717% 52718Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. 52719% 52720Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. 52721 -- Han Solo 52722% 52723Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. 52724 -- Mark Twain 52725% 52726Watership Down: 52727You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew! 52728% 52729Watson's Law: 52730 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 52731 number and significance of any persons watching it. 52732% 52733WE: 52734 The single most important word in the world. 52735% 52736We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on 52737when it's necessary to compromise. 52738 -- Larry Wall 52739% 52740We all declare for liberty, but in using the 52741same word we do not all mean the same thing. 52742 -- Abraham Lincoln 52743% 52744We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling. 52745% 52746We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. 52747% 52748We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. 52749% 52750We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. 52751 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 52752% 52753We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. 52754 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer 52755% 52756We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is 52757whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling 52758is that it is not crazy enough. 52759 -- Niels Bohr 52760% 52761We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized 52762before we are fit to participate in society. 52763 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 52764 Correct Behaviour" 52765% 52766We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others. 52767% 52768We are all born mad. Some remain so. 52769 -- Samuel Beckett 52770% 52771We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time. 52772% 52773We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 52774 -- Oscar Wilde 52775% 52776We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. 52777 -- Albert Schweitzer 52778% 52779We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 52780 -- Winston Churchill 52781% 52782We are anthill men upon an anthill world. 52783 -- Ray Bradbury 52784% 52785We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 52786 -- Whole Earth Catalog 52787% 52788We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 52789 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 52790% 52791We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. 52792 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" 52793% 52794We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his 52795own facts. 52796 -- Patrick Moynihan 52797% 52798We are each only one drop in a great 52799ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle! 52800% 52801We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. 52802% 52803We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese 52804dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies. 52805 -- J. Hoover 52806% 52807We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 52808socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad 52809thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? 52810 -- Fidel Castro 52811% 52812We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. 52813 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 52814% 52815We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. 52816Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. 52817% 52818We are not a clone. 52819% 52820We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. 52821 -- John Fisher 52822% 52823We are not alone. 52824% 52825We are not loved by our friends for what we are; 52826rather, we are loved in spite of what we are. 52827 -- Victor Hugo 52828% 52829We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last 52830theorem. 52831 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 52832% 52833We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to 52834develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers 52835Manual. 52836 -- Andrew Hume 52837% 52838We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property. 52839% 52840We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. 52841 -- Jonathan Swift 52842% 52843We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check 52844the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. 52845 52846This is a recording. 52847% 52848We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and 52849share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft 52850our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, 52851leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine 52852the substance that cast them. 52853% 52854We are the people our parents warned us about. 52855% 52856We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... 52857to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful... 52858 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970 52859% 52860We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death. 52861The order is not insignificant. 52862 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 52863% 52864We are what we are. 52865% 52866We are what we pretend to be. 52867 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 52868% 52869We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 52870% 52871We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. 52872 -- Yates 52873% 52874We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the 52875technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. 52876 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 52877% 52878We cannot command nature except by obeying her. 52879 -- Sir Francis Bacon 52880% 52881We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. 52882 -- Calvin Coolidge 52883% 52884We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is 52885deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. 52886 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General 52887% 52888We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. 52889 -- Richard M. Nixon 52890% 52891We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our 52892feet and go skating. 52893 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist 52894% 52895We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, 52896take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send 52897forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search 52898into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and 52899beautiful Universe, Our home. 52900 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler 52901% 52902We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! 52903 -- Vroomfondel 52904% 52905We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. 52906 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach 52907% 52908We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. 52909% 52910We don't care how they do it in New York. 52911% 52912We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. 52913 -- James Watt, noted theologian 52914% 52915We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. 52916% 52917We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish. 52918% 52919We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure 52920that it wasn't a fish. 52921 -- Marshall McLuhan 52922% 52923We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out. 52924 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962 52925% 52926We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control. 52927 -- Pink Floyd 52928% 52929We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation 52930We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control 52931No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings 52932Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone? 52933Chorus: (Chorus) 52934 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call. 52935 52936We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation 52937We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes 52938No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging 52939Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone? 52940(Chorus) (Chorus) 52941 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd 52942% 52943We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. 52944% 52945We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. 52946 -- Walter Summers 52947% 52948We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't 52949understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! 52950% 52951We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy... 52952Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to 52953visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological 52954hammer. 52955 -- Charles Darwin 52956% 52957We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? 52958 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission 52959% 52960We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. 52961 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 52962% 52963We gotta get out of this place, 52964If it's the last thing we ever do. 52965 -- The Animals 52966% 52967We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an 52968hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down 52969mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on 52970our grave singing Hallelujah ... 52971 -- Monty Python 52972% 52973We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. 52974% 52975We have art that we do not die of the truth. 52976 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 52977% 52978We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM! 52979% 52980We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new 52981levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly, 52982almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like 52983men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of 52984Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result 52985is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the 52986creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of 52987redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding. 52988 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981 52989% 52990We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. 52991 -- Carl Sagan 52992% 52993We have met the enemy, and he is us. 52994 -- Walt Kelly 52995% 52996We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent 52997than from the machinations of the wicked. 52998% 52999We have no scorched earth policy. 53000We have a policy of scorched Communists. 53001 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982 53002% 53003We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from 53004our children. 53005% 53006We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. 53007 -- Margaret Mead 53008% 53009We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get 53010back to normal, and that they already have. 53011% 53012We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. 53013 -- John Berryman 53014% 53015We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. 53016% 53017We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an 53018official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death 53019Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish 53020you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that 53021said "ELECTROCUTION". 53022 53023Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your 53024teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 53025process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a 53026couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways 53027out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste 53028stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom 53029floor, which is how the police would find you. 53030 53031You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 53032 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 53033% 53034We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... 53035% 53036We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, 53037star of "The Muppet Show." [3] 53038 53039[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we 53040were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of 53041character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol 53042after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an 53043acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the 53044letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while 53045looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed 53046that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs 53047should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our 53048source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky 53049instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for 53050publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission 53051to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission 53052was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the 53053temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book." 53054 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol" 53055% 53056We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary 53057to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. 53058Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition 53059to crave knowledge. 53060 -- George Will 53061% 53062We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support 53063of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support 53064the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we 53065know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in 53066which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or 53067about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as 53068his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our 53069hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on 53070pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly 53071by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose 53072feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay. 53073 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 53074% 53075We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. 53076 -- Eric Hoffer 53077% 53078We love our little Johnny 53079He's the best little boy in all the world 53080And we wouldn't trade him for anything 53081That's how much we love him. 53082No, we couldn't live without him 53083So that's why, since he died, 53084We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer. 53085He's so good, so well-behaved, 53086Even better than before; 53087Oh, such a wonderful kid he is. 53088Alice and me, we'll never be lonely, 53089Never miss our little Johnny, 53090He'll never grow up and leave us 53091That's why we love him like we do. 53092 -- Mr. Mincemeat 53093% 53094"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call 53095free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens 53096show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do 53097our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself." 53098 -- Cameron Hawley 53099% 53100We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue 53101than malnutrition. 53102 -- Alex Comfort 53103% 53104We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely 53105intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people 53106think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be 53107best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with 53108the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand 53109and speak English. 53110 -- Alan M. Turing 53111% 53112We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern 53113their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of 53114their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor 53115Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say 53116nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among 53117themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a 53118proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition, 53119we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the 53120Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but 53121internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof 53122of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be 53123accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on 53124earth. 53125 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options" 53126% 53127We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever 53128popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take 53129under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light 53130of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, 53131filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. 53132 -- Nolo News, summer 1989 53133% 53134We may not return the affection of those who like us, 53135but we always respect their good judgment. 53136% 53137...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection 53138by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. 53139I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized 53140brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as 53141an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting 53142functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often 53143uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities 53144of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection. 53145 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 53146% 53147We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn 53148of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it. 53149 -- Saul Alinsky 53150% 53151We must die because we have known them. 53152 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C. 53153% 53154We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must 53155condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like 53156the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of 53157chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan 53158for chess. 53159 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice 53160 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress 53161 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's 53162 "Stalin," published London, 1939 53163% 53164...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not 53165we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up 53166in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of 53167the past. 53168 -- Joseph Wood Krutch 53169% 53170We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of 53171the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front 53172is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. 53173 -- Walter Lippmann 53174% 53175We must remember the First Amendment which 53176protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. 53177 -- F. G. Withington 53178% 53179We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to 53180the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his 53181children smart. 53182 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 53183% 53184We only acknowledge small faults in order 53185to make it appear that we are free from great ones. 53186 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 53187% 53188We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago 53189people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. 53190For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had 53191to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare 53192fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with 53193primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how 53194ugly paneling is to begin with. 53195 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 53196% 53197We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the 53198originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has 53199forgotten its source. 53200 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 53201% 53202We prefer to speak evil of ourselves 53203rather than not speak of ourselves at all. 53204% 53205We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. 53206% 53207We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, 53208content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. 53209 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 53210% 53211We read to say that we have read. 53212% 53213We really don't have any enemies. 53214It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. 53215% 53216We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. 53217 -- Thucydides 53218% 53219We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect. 53220Only non-sense attains perfection. 53221 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 53222% 53223We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. 53224 -- Jean de la Bruyere 53225% 53226We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is 53227in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot 53228stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that 53229is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. 53230 -- Mark Twain 53231% 53232We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been 53233born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken 53234out and shot. 53235 -- Strange de Jim 53236% 53237We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were 53238taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things 53239themselves. 53240 -- John Locke 53241% 53242We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. 53243Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. 53244 -- Dennis Miller 53245% 53246We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. 53247 -- S. I. Hayakawa 53248% 53249We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 53250remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that 53251the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than 53252the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, 53253states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. 53254These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who 53255want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that 53256they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and 53257who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. 53258 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner 53259% 53260We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible. 53261We've done so much, for so long, with so little, 53262that we are now qualified to do something with nothing. 53263% 53264We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities, 53265ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote 53266preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves 53267and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States 53268of America. 53269% 53270We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 53271size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 53272fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 53273are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 53274 53275EUPHEMISM REALITY 53276------------------- ------------------------- 53277Excited about life's journey No concept of reality 53278Spiritually evolved Oversensitive 53279Moody Manic-depressive 53280Soulful Quiet manic-depressive 53281Poet Boring manic-depressive 53282Sultry/Sensual Easy 53283Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills 53284Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills 53285Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills 53286Very human Quasimodo's best friend 53287Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still 53288Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained 53289Flexible Desperate 53290Aging child Self-centered adult 53291Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it 53292Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television 53293% 53294We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 53295size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 53296fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 53297are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 53298 53299EUPHEMISM REALITY 53300------------------- ------------------------- 53301Independent thinker Crazy 53302High spirited Crazy and hyperactive 53303Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible 53304Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious 53305Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple 53306Cuddly Overweight 53307Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love) 53308Big and beautiful Really Fat 53309Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud 53310Svelte/Slender Anorexic 53311Dynamic Pushy 53312Assertive Pushy with a mean streak 53313Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung 53314Demanding Will make your life a living hell 53315Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich 53316% 53317We totally deny the allegations, and 53318we're trying to identify the allegators. 53319% 53320We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. 53321There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your 53322borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce. 53323 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard 53324% 53325[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. 53326 -- R. W. Hamming 53327% 53328We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here 53329depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick. 53330 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra" 53331% 53332We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh 53333[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run 53334behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around, 53335but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The 53336next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come 53337a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder. 53338The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says 53339to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." 53340 -- Satchel Paige 53341% 53342We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we 53343were married for four and a half years. 53344 -- Nick Faldo 53345% 53346We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died. 53347% 53348We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. 53349If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves. 53350 -- Crazy Jimmy 53351% 53352We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was 53353also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a 53354French restaurant. [...] 53355 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk 53356white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her 53357boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the 53358bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad 53359rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished 53360there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] 53361 "Stop the car," the girl said. 53362 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the 53363woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an 53364arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. 53365 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway 53366belle's for thee." 53367 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. 53368Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey 53369onto my granola and faced a new day. 53370 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 53371 Competition 53372% 53373We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal 53374tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous 53375extinction. 53376 -- S. J. Gould 53377% 53378We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve 53379one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 53380% 53381we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 53382we will cry over things we used to laugh & 53383our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle 53384creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 53385in the end a summer with wild winds & 53386new friends will be. 53387% 53388We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide 53389power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes, 53390planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the 53391use of this material. 53392 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's 53393 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting 53394 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights 53395% 53396We wish you a Hare Krishna 53397We wish you a Hare Krishna 53398We wish you a Hare Krishna 53399And a Sun Myung Moon! 53400 -- Maxwell Smart 53401% 53402WEAPON: 53403 An index of the lack of development of a culture. 53404% 53405Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. 53406 -- John Heywood 53407% 53408Wedding, n.: 53409 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one 53410 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become 53411 supportable. 53412 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 53413% 53414Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs. 53415% 53416Weed's Axiom: 53417 Never ask two questions in a business letter. 53418 The reply will discuss the one in which you are 53419 least interested and say nothing about the other. 53420% 53421Weekend, where are you? 53422% 53423Weiler's Law: 53424 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it 53425 himself. 53426% 53427Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get 53428rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that 53429was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer 53430question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" 53431 53432Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. 53433 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 53434% 53435Weinberg's First Law: 53436 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays. 53437% 53438Weinberg's Principle: 53439 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping 53440 on to the grand fallacy. 53441% 53442Weinberg's Second Law: 53443 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 53444 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 53445 -- Gerald Weinberg 53446% 53447Weiner's Law of Libraries: 53448 There are no answers, only cross references. 53449% 53450Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. 53451He'll come in handy if you run out of food. 53452 -- Dean McLaughlin 53453% 53454Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? 53455 53456D G G O 53457 53458O Y A N 53459 53460A D B T 53461 53462K I S P 53463Enter words: 53464> 53465% 53466Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, 53467The women are pretty, and the children are above-average. 53468 -- Garrison Keillor 53469% 53470Welcome to the Zoo! 53471% 53472Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the 53473use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for 53474demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking 53475sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming 53476can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on 53477the reader! For example, the sentence 53478 53479 Jane went to the store to buy bread 53480 53481should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something 53482sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a 53483cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if 53484Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control 53485of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive 53486my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"! 53487Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are 53488standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!) 53489% 53490Welcome to Utah. 53491If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! 53492% 53493Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized 53494that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that 53495all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but 53496James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive 53497women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took 53498*thousands* of words to say it. 53499 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic 53500Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. 53501Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because 53502what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk 53503as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a 53504major world power. 53505 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise 53506the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right 53507out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me." 53508 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: 53509 53510* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize 53511 nature and will kill you. 53512* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy. 53513 -- Dave Barry 53514% 53515We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday 53516night. Live, on the Death label. 53517 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise" 53518% 53519Well begun is half done. 53520 -- Aristotle 53521% 53522"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is 53523no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five 53524hundred." 53525 -- The Mahabharata 53526% 53527We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. 53528% 53529Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? 53530% 53531Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing. 53532 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information 53533 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph 53534 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be 53535 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles 53536 per hour, December 7, 1941. 53537% 53538Well, fancy giving money to the Government! 53539Might as well have put it down the drain. 53540Fancy giving money to the Government! 53541Nobody will see the stuff again. 53542Well, they've no idea what money's for -- 53543Ten to one they'll start another war. 53544I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! 53545Fancy giving money to the Government! 53546 -- A. P. Herbert 53547% 53548We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter. 53549% 53550Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, 53551to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. 53552 -- Laurie Anderson 53553% 53554Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a 53555lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a 53556governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the 53557reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top 53558contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men 53559will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the 53560most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and 53561appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday 53562morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit 53563interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a 53564guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through 53565the entire show without answering a single question ... 53566 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 53567% 53568Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five, 53569The headline screamed that I was still alive, 53570I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night. 53571I dreamed I'd been in a border town, 53572In a little cantina that the boys had found, 53573I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds. 53574When along came a senorita, 53575She looked so good that I had to meet her, 53576I was ready to approach her with my English charm, 53577When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm, 53578And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo, 53579Grow some funk of your own. 53580We no like to with the gringo fight, 53581But there might be a death in Mexico tonite. 53582... 53583Take my advice, take the next flight, 53584And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. 53585 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" 53586% 53587Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 53588back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 53589or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 53590couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 53591 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 53592% 53593Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *_c_a_n* 53594you believe?! 53595 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] 53596% 53597Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. 53598 -- James Thurber 53599% 53600Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal 53601rights. 53602 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 53603% 53604Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either. 53605% 53606We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. 53607% 53608WE'LL LOOK INTO IT: 53609 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we 53610 assume you will have forgotten about it,too. 53611% 53612Well, my daddy left home when I was three, 53613And he didn't leave much for Ma and me, 53614Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze. 53615Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid, 53616But the meanest thing that he ever did, 53617Was before he left he went and named me Sue. 53618... 53619But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars, 53620I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars, 53621And kill the man that give me that awful name. 53622It was Gatlinburg in mid-July, 53623I'd just hit town and my throat was dry, 53624Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew, 53625At an old saloon on a street of mud, 53626Sitting at a table, dealing stud, 53627Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue. 53628... 53629Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad, 53630From a worn out picture that my Mother had, 53631And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... 53632 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" 53633% 53634Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 53635And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 53636I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 53637I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 53638 53639If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 53640Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 53641'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 53642I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 53643 53644On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 53645But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 53646Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 53647I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 53648 -- Core Dumped Blues 53649% 53650Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you 53651bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it 53652doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well. 53653 -- Wayne Pascoe 53654% 53655We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu! 53656% 53657Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling, 53658And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling, 53659But I take delight in the juice of the barley, 53660And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. 53661% 53662Well thaaaaaaat's okay. 53663% 53664Well, the handwriting is on the floor. 53665 -- Joe E. Lewis 53666% 53667We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, 53668we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. 53669 -- Dave Barry 53670% 53671Well, we'll really have a party, 53672but we've gotta post a guard outside. 53673 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody" 53674% 53675"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in 53676poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come 53677and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!" 53678 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange" 53679% 53680Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers, 53681And we're loved everywhere we go. 53682We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth, 53683At ten thousand dollars a show. 53684We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills, 53685But the thrill we've never known, 53686Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 53687On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 53688 53689I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie, 53690Who embroiders on my jeans. 53691I got my poor old gray-haired daddy, 53692Drivin' my limousine. 53693Now it's all designed, to blow our minds, 53694But our minds won't be really be blown; 53695Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 53696On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 53697 53698We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies, 53699Who'll do anything we say. 53700We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way. 53701We got all the friends that money can buy, 53702So we never have to be alone. 53703And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture, 53704On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 53705 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show 53706 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.] 53707% 53708Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some 53709higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you. 53710% 53711WELL-ADJUSTED: 53712 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games. 53713% 53714We 53715own 53716this land. 53717 53718I don't spend 53719any time 53720on this land. 53721 53722This 53723is a tiny 53724little piece 53725 53726of my 53727business 53728interests. 53729 53730It's like 53731a grain 53732of sand. 53733 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 53734 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992. 53735 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 53736% 53737We're all in this alone. 53738 -- Lily Tomlin 53739% 53740We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which 53741people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. 53742Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual 53743and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, 53744it's not going to do anything for you. 53745 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 53746% 53747We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from 53748the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging 53749you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right 53750in his bowl full of jelly. 53751 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 53752% 53753We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable 53754things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend 53755and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. 53756 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs 53757% 53758We're happy little Vegemites, 53759 As bright as bright can be. 53760We all enjoy our Vegemite 53761 For breakfast, lunch and tea. 53762% 53763Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the 53764formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite 53765shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide 53766a grin. 53767 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" 53768% 53769We're Knights of the Round Table 53770We dance whene'er we're able 53771We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table 53772With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable 53773We dine well here in Camelot But many times 53774We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes 53775 That are quite unsingable 53776In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot 53777Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot. 53778Between our quests 53779We sequin vests 53780And impersonate Clark Gable 53781It's a busy life in Camelot. 53782I have to push the pram a lot. 53783 -- Monty Python 53784% 53785We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. 53786 -- D. W. Robertson 53787% 53788We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- 53789but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and 53790then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for? 53791 -- Ensign Flandry 53792% 53793"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is 53794weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me 53795the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, 53796unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept 53797responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous 53798desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must 53799learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a 53800short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." 53801 -- Don Juan 53802% 53803We're only in it for the volume. 53804 -- Black Sabbath 53805% 53806Were there no women, men might live like gods. 53807 -- Thomas Dekker 53808% 53809Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. 53810% 53811Westheimer's Discovery: 53812 A couple of months in the laboratory can 53813 frequently save a couple of hours in the library. 53814% 53815Wethern's Law: 53816 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 53817% 53818We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center 53819of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, 53820but for some reason nobody's ever done it. 53821 -- Andy Rooney 53822% 53823We've tried each spinning space mote 53824And reckoned its true worth: 53825Take us back again to the homes of men 53826On the cool, green hills of Earth. 53827 53828The arching sky is calling 53829Spacemen back to their trade. 53830All hands! Standby! Free falling! 53831And the lights below us fade. 53832Out ride the sons of Terra, 53833Far drives the thundering jet, 53834Up leaps the race of Earthmen, 53835Out, far, and onward yet-- 53836 53837We pray for one last landing 53838On the globe that gave us birth; 53839Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies 53840And the cool, green hills of Earth. 53841 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941 53842% 53843Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? 53844% 53845What!? Me worry? 53846 -- A. E. Neuman 53847% 53848What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script 53849by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary 53850Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! 53851 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses" 53852% 53853What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to 53854understand what a misfortune it is. 53855 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 53856% 53857What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. 53858 -- WOP, "War Games" 53859% 53860What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. 53861 -- Christopher Fry 53862% 53863What an artist dies with me! 53864 -- Nero 53865% 53866What an author likes to write most is his signature on the 53867back of a cheque. 53868 -- Brendan Francis 53869% 53870What awful irony is this? 53871We are as gods, but know it not. 53872% 53873What causes the mysterious death of everyone? 53874% 53875What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 53876% 53877What did ya do with your burden and your cross? 53878Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? 53879You and I know that a burden and a cross, 53880Can only be carried on one man's back. 53881 -- Louden Wainwright III 53882% 53883What did you bring that book I didn't want 53884to be read to out of about Down Under up for? 53885% 53886What did you do when the ship sank? 53887I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore. 53888% 53889What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person 53890is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes 53891that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is 53892the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to 53893live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in 53894others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others. 53895% 53896What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. 53897 -- Jerry Lester 53898% 53899What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? 53900Not enough sand. 53901% 53902What does education often do? 53903It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. 53904 -- Henry David Thoreau 53905% 53906What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 53907% 53908What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to 53909win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? 53910In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded 53911that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the 53912simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a 53913base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, 53914a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human 53915activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses 53916the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate 53917and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with 53918words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young 53919Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of 53920conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John 53921Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, 53922and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. 53923 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt 53924% 53925What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. 53926 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 53927% 53928What ever happened to happily ever after? 53929% 53930What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? 53931 -- Roger von Oech 53932% 53933What foods these morsels be! 53934% 53935What fools these morals be! 53936% 53937What fools these mortals be. 53938 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 53939% 53940What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. 53941% 53942What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 53943% 53944What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so 53945that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our 53946country. Nice try anyway, George. 53947 -- Disk Jockey on KSFO/KYA 53948% 53949What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down 53950where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's. 53951% 53952What good is a ticket to the good life, 53953if you can't find the entrance? 53954% 53955What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? 53956 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" 53957% 53958What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 53959in his footsteps? 53960% 53961What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? 53962 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 53963% 53964What happened last night can happen again. 53965% 53966What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations 53967involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will 53968be pretty bad. 53969 -- Dave Barry 53970% 53971What happens to a dream deferred? 53972Does it dry up 53973Like a raisin in the sun? 53974Or fester like a sore -- 53975And then run? 53976Does it stink like rotten meat? 53977Or crust and sugar over -- 53978Like a syrupy sweet? 53979 53980Maybe it just sags 53981Like a heavy load. 53982 53983Or does it explode? 53984 -- Langston Hughes 53985% 53986What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. 53987% 53988What has roots as nobody sees, 53989Is taller than trees, 53990Up, up it goes, 53991And yet never grows? 53992% 53993What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower 53994stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed 53995barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character 53996from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of 53997while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our 53998dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up 53999powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the 54000bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any 54001one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact 54002lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where 54003you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", 54004if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with 54005that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; 54006they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to 54007flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 54008 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 54009% 54010What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be 54011broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality 54012is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. 54013 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 54014% 54015What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- 54016sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up 54017with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always 54018came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at 54019parties. 54020 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 54021% 54022What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 54023% 54024What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? 54025In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. 54026 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 54027% 54028What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? 54029Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 54030 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 54031% 54032What if there had been room at the inn? 54033 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity 54034% 54035What is a magician but a practicing theorist? 54036 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 54037% 54038What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each 54039other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be 54040improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few 54041boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied: 54042 54043 1. We may not change our thinking habits. 54044 2. We may not change our programming tools. 54045 3. We may not change our hardware. 54046 4. We may not change our tasks. 54047 5. We may not change the organizational set-up 54048 in which the work has to be done. 54049 54050Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to 54051improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous. 54052 54053Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972 54054% 54055What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? 54056 -- J. M. Barrie 54057% 54058What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making 54059them puke. 54060 -- Steve Martin 54061% 54062What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. 54063 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 54064% 54065What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the 54066will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of 54067weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue 54068but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of 54069our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. 54070What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and 54071all the weak: Christianity. 54072 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 54073% 54074What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's 54075enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking 54076out of him. 54077 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles" 54078% 54079What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires 54080an accomplice. 54081 -- Charles Baudelaire 54082% 54083What is love but a second-hand emotion? 54084 -- Tina Turner 54085% 54086What is mind? No matter. 54087What is matter? Never mind. 54088 -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875) 54089% 54090What is now proved was once only imagin'd. 54091 -- William Blake 54092% 54093What is research but a blind date with knowledge? 54094 -- Will Harvey 54095% 54096What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank? 54097 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 54098% 54099What is status? 54100 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion. 54101 54102Uh, no... 54103 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a 54104 problem with him. 54105 54106Uh, that still ain't right... 54107 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President, 54108 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a 54109 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you." 54110% 54111What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? 54112It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the 54113establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 54114% 54115"What is the Nature of God?" 54116 54117 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 54118 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 54119 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 54120 1/2 CUT CHIVES. 54121 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. 54122 54123"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." 54124 -- Bloom County 54125% 54126What is the sound of one hand clapping? 54127% 54128What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer 54129if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer. 54130 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth 54131 from outside Sinanju named Remo. 54132% 54133What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed 54134of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that 54135is the first law of nature. 54136 -- Voltaire 54137% 54138What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed 54139to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and 54140may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is 54141simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one, 54142big thumping lie that will then be believed. 54143 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of 54144 British civilian morale, 1939 54145% 54146What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 54147which is the exact opposite. 54148 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 54149% 54150What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. 54151% 54152What I've done, of course, is total garbage. 54153 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a 54154% 54155What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither 54156goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? 54157 -- Jack Kerouac 54158% 54159What luck for the rulers that men do not think. 54160 -- Adolf Hitler 54161% 54162What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend 54163is that there's nothing to compare it with. 54164% 54165What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us 54166is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. 54167% 54168What makes you think graduate school 54169is supposed to be satisfying? 54170 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 54171% 54172What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility. 54173% 54174What no spouse of a writer can ever understand 54175is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. 54176% 54177What nonsense people talk about happy marriages! 54178A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her. 54179 -- Wilde 54180% 54181What on earth would a man do with himself 54182if something did not stand in his way? 54183 -- H. G. Wells 54184% 54185What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. 54186 -- John Lilly 54187% 54188What one fool can do, another can. 54189 -- Ancient Simian proverb 54190% 54191What orators lack in depth they make up in length. 54192% 54193What pains others pleasures me, 54194At home am I in Lisp or C; 54195There i couch in ecstasy, 54196'Til debugger's poke i flee, 54197Into kernel memory. 54198In system space, system space, there shall i fare-- 54199Inside of a VAX on a silicon square. 54200% 54201What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. 54202 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals" 54203% 54204What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing 54205more than man's transparency. 54206 -- George Nathan 54207% 54208What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 54209It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 54210and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 54211and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, 54212women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 54213mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 54214and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort. 54215 -- Susan Gordon 54216% 54217What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few 54218of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once 54219were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that 54220impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get 54221enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit 54222till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he 54223look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all 54224the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and 54225discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond 54226their grasp before they were five years old. 54227 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 54228% 54229What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 54230 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 54231% 54232What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? 54233 -- J. D. Farley 54234% 54235What segment's this, that, laid to rest 54236On FHA0, is sleeping? 54237What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run," 54238While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone. 54239 Dump, dump it and type it out, 54240 The file, the highseg of login. 54241Why lies it here, on public disk 54242And why is it now unprotected? 54243A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now 54244And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected. 54245 Dump, dump it and type it out, 54246 The file, the highseg of login. 54247 -- to Greensleeves 54248% 54249What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? 54250% 54251What soon grows old? Gratitude. 54252 -- Aristotle 54253% 54254What, still alive at twenty-two, 54255A clean upstanding chap like you? 54256Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit, 54257Slit your girl's, and swing for it. 54258Like enough, you won't be glad, 54259When they come to hang you, lad: 54260But bacon's not the only thing 54261That's cured by hanging from a string. 54262So, when the spilt ink of the night 54263Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light, 54264Lads whose job is still to do 54265Shall whet their knives, and think of you. 54266 -- Hugh Kingsmill 54267% 54268What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went 54269around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. 54270 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 54271% 54272What the hell is it good for? 54273 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems 54274 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the 54275 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 54276% 54277What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 54278% 54279What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. 54280 -- Nikita Khruschev 54281% 54282What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. 54283% 54284What they said: 54285 What they meant: 54286 54287"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." 54288 (Yes, that about sums it up.) 54289"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you." 54290 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...) 54291"I simply can't say enough good things about him." 54292 (What a screw-up.) 54293"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." 54294 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) 54295"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go 54296a long way with his skills." 54297 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.) 54298"You won't find many people like her." 54299 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.) 54300"I cannot recommend him too highly." 54301 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a 54302 felony in my presence.) 54303% 54304What they said: 54305 What they meant: 54306 54307"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much 54308of him as I do." 54309 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.) 54310"Her input was always critical." 54311 (She never had a good word to say.) 54312"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work." 54313 (And it's nonexistent.) 54314"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which 54315already has so many outstanding members." 54316 (Unless you already have a moron.) 54317"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable: 54318one unbelievable result after another." 54319 (And we didn't believe them, either.) 54320"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her." 54321 (In fact, to life in general...) 54322% 54323What they said: 54324 What they meant: 54325 54326"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." 54327 (We certainly never succeeded.) 54328There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him. 54329 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...) 54330"Success will never spoil him." 54331 (Well, at least not MUCH more.) 54332"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling." 54333 (And such a sigh of relief.) 54334"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days; 54335in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities." 54336 (And his IQ, as well.) 54337"He should go far." 54338 (The farther the better.) 54339"He will take full advantage of his staff." 54340 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.) 54341% 54342What they say: What they mean: 54343 54344A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board. 54345Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident. 54346Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else. 54347 to unforeseen difficulties 54348Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two. 54349Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be 54350 assured grateful for anything at all. 54351Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers! 54352Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised! 54353The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got 54354 to say something. 54355The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit. 54356We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're 54357 approach kicking it around. 54358A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but 54359 we're moving. 54360Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on. 54361 inconclusive 54362Modifications are underway We're starting over. 54363% 54364What they say: What they mean: 54365 54366New Different colors from previous version. 54367All New Not compatible with previous version. 54368Exclusive Nobody else has documentation. 54369Unmatched Almost as good as the competition. 54370Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money. 54371Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded. 54372Advanced Design Nobody really understands it. 54373Here At Last Didn't get it done on time. 54374Field Tested We don't have any simulators. 54375Years of Development Finally got one to work. 54376Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. 54377Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round. 54378Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. 54379No Maintenance Impossible to fix. 54380Performance Proven Worked through Beta test. 54381Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. 54382Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. 54383Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. 54384% 54385What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 54386% 54387What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 54388% 54389What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 54390% 54391What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. 54392% 54393What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. 54394% 54395What time is it? 54396I don't know, it keeps changing. 54397% 54398What upsets me is not that you lied to me, 54399but that from now on I can no longer believe you. 54400 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 54401% 54402What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? 54403 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 54404% 54405What we Are is God's give to us. 54406What we Become is our gift to God. 54407% 54408What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. 54409 -- Wittgenstein 54410% 54411What we do not understand we do not possess. 54412 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 54413% 54414What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which 54415nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday 54416Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- 54417launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just 54418remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual 54419process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still 54420be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. 54421 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 54422% 54423What we need is either less corruption, 54424or more chance to participate in it. 54425% 54426What we see depends on mainly what we look for. 54427 -- John Lubbock 54428% 54429What we wish, that we readily believe. 54430 -- Demosthenes 54431% 54432What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January 544332038 does not bear thinking about. 54434 -- Henry Spencer 54435% 54436What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die? 54437% 54438What would you do with a brain if you had one? 54439 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz" 54440% 54441What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. 54442% 54443What you don't know won't help you much either. 54444 -- D. Bennett 54445% 54446What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond 54447your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or 54448your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel 54449powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do 54450with as you will. 54451 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen" 54452% 54453What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for 54454something to occur to you. 54455 -- Robert Frost 54456 54457 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 54458 referring to AST's.] 54459% 54460Whatever became of eternal truth? 54461% 54462Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 54463cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your 54464nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while 54465shredding hundred dollar bills." 54466 -- Herb Caen 54467% 54468Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will 54469never succeed. 54470 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California 54471% 54472Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified 54473performance. 54474 -- Helen Lawrenson 54475% 54476Whatever happened to the good old days 54477when sex was dirty and the air was clean? 54478% 54479Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not 54480nailed down. 54481 -- Collis P. Huntingdon 54482% 54483Whatever is not nailed down is mine. 54484Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. 54485 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon 54486% 54487Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. 54488 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 54489% 54490Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. 54491 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 54492% 54493Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not 54494cockroaches! 54495 -- Mom 54496% 54497Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half 54498as good. Luckily this is not difficult. 54499 -- Charlotte Whitton 54500% 54501Whatever you do will be insignificant, 54502but it is very important that you do it. 54503 -- Mahatma Gandhi 54504% 54505Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like 54506other people. 54507 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows" 54508% 54509Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. 54510% 54511What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. 54512 -- Robert Altman 54513% 54514What's all this bru-ha-ha? 54515% 54516What's another word for "thesaurus"? 54517 -- Steven Wright 54518% 54519What's done to children, they will do to society. 54520% 54521What's page one, a preemptive strike? 54522 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College 54523% 54524What's so funny? 54525% 54526What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong 54527with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." 54528 -- The Best of Will Rogers 54529% 54530What's the ugliest part of your body? 54531What's the ugliest part of your body? 54532Some say your nose, 54533Some say your toes, 54534But I think it's your mind. 54535 -- Frank Zappa, 1965 54536% 54537What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? 54538 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 54539% 54540What's this stuff about people being "released on their 54541own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? 54542% 54543When a Banker jumps out of a window, 54544jump after him -- that's where the money is. 54545 -- Robespierre 54546% 54547When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! 54548% 54549When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? 54550% 54551When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but 54552the principle of the thing," it's the money. 54553 -- Kin Hubbard 54554% 54555When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half 54556loop? 54557% 54558When a girl can read the handwriting on 54559the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. 54560% 54561When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the 54562inattentions of one. 54563 -- Helen Rowland 54564% 54565When a lion meets another with a louder roar, 54566the first lion thinks the last a bore. 54567 -- George Bernard Shaw 54568% 54569When a lot of remedies are suggested for 54570a disease, that means it can't be cured. 54571 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard" 54572% 54573When a man assumes a public trust, he 54574should consider himself as public property. 54575 -- Thomas Jefferson 54576% 54577When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. 54578 -- Samuel Johnson 54579% 54580When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, 54581it concentrates his mind wonderfully. 54582 -- Samuel Johnson 54583% 54584When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him 54585keep her. 54586 -- Sacha Guitry 54587% 54588When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years 54589ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind 54590with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a 54591liar who has broken his promises. 54592 -- Franklin Adams 54593% 54594When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. 54595% 54596When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not 54597far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel 54598is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 54599 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 54600% 54601When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see 54602the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 54603relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 54604 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 54605% 54606When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: 54607first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. 54608 -- Donnay 54609% 54610When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. 54611When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. 54612 -- Wilde 54613% 54614When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm 54615yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. 54616 54617Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive 54618out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit 54619by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you 54620to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead 54621that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was 54622looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the 54623poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill 54624him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful 54625death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your 54626story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could 54627the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of 54628paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. 54629 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security 54630% 54631When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people 54632interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been 54633honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe. 54634 -- The Grab Bag 54635% 54636When all else fails, EAT!!! 54637% 54638When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance 54639the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter 54640knob. 54641 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual 54642% 54643When all else fails, try Kate Smith. 54644% 54645When all other means of communication fail, try words. 54646% 54647When among apes, one must play the ape. 54648% 54649When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. 54650 -- Mark Twain 54651% 54652When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo 54653tactics *with* Gestapo tactics? 54654 -- Reuben Flagg 54655% 54656When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 54657 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate 54658% 54659When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before 54660the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." 54661 -- Vine Deloria, Jr. 54662% 54663When asked the definition of "pi": 54664The Mathematician: 54665 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the 54666 circumference of a circle and its diameter. 54667The Physicist: 54668 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005. 54669The Engineer: 54670 Pi is about 3. 54671% 54672When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense. 54673% 54674When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. 54675 -- Brian Aldiss 54676% 54677When choosing between two evils, I always 54678like to take the one I've never tried before. 54679 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie" 54680% 54681When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite 54682easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 54683handle this?" 54684% 54685When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! 54686% 54687When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this 54688was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists 54689never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have 54690declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and 54691that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any 54692consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition. 54693 -- Josef Goebbels 54694% 54695When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind? 54696% 54697When does later become never? 54698% 54699When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? 54700Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. 54701% 54702When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 54703 -- Gen. C. Abrams 54704% 54705When forecasting, give them a number 54706or give them a date, but never both. 54707% 54708When God endowed human beings with brains, 54709He did not intend to guarantee them. 54710% 54711When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to 54712why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. 54713 -- DeGourmont 54714% 54715When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and 54716inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats 54717blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes 54718screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he 54719stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing 54720himself to destruction. 54721 -- George Plimpton 54722% 54723When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced 54724to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. 54725 -- Brendan Behan 54726% 54727When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred, 54728He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!" 54729 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird" 54730% 54731when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. 54732in my sleep. 54733like my grandfather. 54734 54735not screaming, 54736like the passengers in his car... 54737% 54738When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket 54739and a willingness to compromise. 54740 -- Weber cartoon caption 54741% 54742When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, 54743then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. 54744 -- Steven Wright 54745% 54746When I grow up, I want to be an honest 54747lawyer so things like that can't happen. 54748 -- Richard M. Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal 54749% 54750When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I 54751shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do 54752what you like now." 54753 -- Tolstoy 54754% 54755When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity 54756for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. 54757 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 54758% 54759When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a 54760year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire 54761winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 54762 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 54763% 54764When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil. 54765% 54766When I look at the horse heads and men's faces, the immense 54767live torrent once raised by my will and now whirling to 54768nowhere through the red sunset desert, I often wonder where 54769I am in this torrent. 54770 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 54771% 54772When I said "we", officer, I was referring to 54773myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. 54774% 54775When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said 54776to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." 54777 -- Franklyn Ajaye 54778% 54779When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever. 54780I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never 54781to be seen again. 54782 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" 54783% 54784When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve 54785it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. 54786 -- Al Capone 54787% 54788When I think about myself, 54789I almost laugh myself to death, 54790My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world 54791A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl 54792A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake. 54793I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend 54794When I think about myself. Too poor to break, 54795 I laugh until my stomach ache, 54796 When I think about myself. 54797My folks can make me split my side, 54798I laughed so hard I nearly died, 54799The tales they tell, sound just like lying, 54800They grow the fruit, 54801But eat the rind, 54802I laugh until I start to crying, 54803When I think about my folks. 54804 -- Maya Angelou 54805% 54806When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. 54807By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. 54808% 54809When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. 54810Now I'm beginning to believe it. 54811 -- Clarence Darrow 54812% 54813When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... 54814I was an only child... eventually. 54815 -- Steven Wright 54816% 54817When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you 54818take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come 54819and get you." 54820 -- Jerry Lewis 54821% 54822When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd 54823all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. 54824It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. 54825 -- Jack Handey 54826% 54827When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal 54828woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. 54829 -- Robert Schuman 54830% 54831When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if 54832I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" 54833 -- Steven Wright 54834% 54835When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. 54836 54837I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's 54838picture that came with the wallet he bought. 54839 -- Rodney Dangerfield 54840% 54841When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't 54842say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls". 54843% 54844When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: 54845I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 54846 -- Woody Allen 54847% 54848When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. 54849 -- Rodney Dangerfield 54850% 54851When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act 54852of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of 54853seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is 54854always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you 54855would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human 54856organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. 54857The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems 54858to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 54859together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 54860 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 54861% 54862When I was young we didn't have MTV; we 54863had to take drugs and go to concerts. 54864 -- Steven Pearl 54865% 54866When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 54867or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot 54868remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to 54869pieces like this but we all have to do it. 54870 -- Mark Twain 54871% 54872When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had 54873slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." 54874 -- Steven Wright 54875% 54876When I works, I works hard. 54877When I sits, I sits easy. 54878And when I thinks, I goes to sleep. 54879% 54880When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and 54881the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in 54882the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who 54883comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says 54884he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked 54885questions like a senator. 54886 -- Muhammad Ali 54887% 54888When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. 54889 -- Mae West 54890% 54891When in charge ponder, 54892When in doubt mumble, 54893When in trouble delegate. 54894% 54895When in doubt, do it. It's much easier 54896to apologize than to get permission. 54897 -- Grace Murray Hopper 54898% 54899When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 54900% 54901When in doubt, follow your heart. 54902% 54903When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. 54904 -- Raymond Chandler 54905% 54906When in doubt, lead trump. 54907% 54908When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. 54909 -- James H. Boren 54910% 54911When in doubt, tell the truth. 54912 -- Mark Twain 54913% 54914When in doubt, use brute force. 54915 -- Ken Thompson 54916% 54917When in panic, fear and doubt, 54918Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. 54919% 54920When in this world the headlines read 54921Of those whose hearts are filled with greed 54922Who rob and steal from those who need 54923The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 54924Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 54925Speed of lightning, roar of thunder 54926Fighting all who rob or plunder 54927Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah) 54928Underdog 54929UNDERDOG! 54930% 54931When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. 54932% 54933When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame -- 54934half his wife's fault, and half her mother's. 54935% 54936When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing. 54937% 54938When it is not necessary to make a decision, 54939it is necessary not to make a decision. 54940% 54941When it's dark enough you can see the stars. 54942 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 54943% 54944When license fees are too high, 54945users do things by hand. 54946When the management is too intrusive, 54947users lose their spirit. 54948 54949Hack for the user's benefit. 54950Trust them; leave them alone. 54951% 54952When love is gone, there's always justice. 54953And when justice is gone, there's always force. 54954And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 54955Hi, Mom! 54956 -- Laurie Anderson 54957% 54958When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it 54959will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. 54960% 54961When Marriage is Outlawed, 54962Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 54963% 54964When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. 54965 -- Calvin Coolidge 54966% 54967When my brain begins to reel from my 54968literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. 54969 -- Ignatius Reilly 54970% 54971When my fist clenches crack it open, 54972Before I use it and lose my cool. 54973When I smile tell me some bad news, 54974Before I laugh and act like a fool. 54975 54976And if I swallow anything evil, 54977Put you finger down my throat. 54978And if I shiver please give me a blanket, 54979Keep me warm let me wear your coat 54980 54981No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, 54982 to be the sad man. 54983Behind blue eyes. 54984No one knows what its like to be hated, 54985 to be fated, 54986To telling only lies. 54987 -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes" 54988% 54989When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, 54990at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't 54991think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin 54992wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not 54993become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of 54994Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I 54995was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young 54996women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met 54997a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the 54998most unlikely of situations. 54999 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation" 55000% 55001When neither their poverty nor their honor is 55002touched, the majority of men live content. 55003 -- Niccolo Machiavelli 55004% 55005When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. 55006% 55007When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. 55008 -- Dylan Thomas 55009% 55010When one knows women one pities men, 55011but when one studies men, one excuses women. 55012 -- Horne Tooke 55013% 55014When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish. 55015 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 55016% 55017When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, 55018she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind 55019it less and less." 55020 -- Louise Andrews Kent 55021% 55022When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view- 55023finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye. 55024 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera, 55025 a camera for professional photographers 55026% 55027When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. 55028The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points 55029And Oxygen still had none 55030Then Oxygen scored a single goal 55031And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 55032Called because of rain. 55033% 55034When people have trouble communicating, 55035the least they can do is to shut up. 55036 -- Tom Lehrer 55037% 55038When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing. 55039% 55040When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure? 55041% 55042When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932, 55043newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris 55044was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. 55045 55046 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular 55047 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies 55048 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words: 55049 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides 55050 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the 55051 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how 55052 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison 55053 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. 55054% 55055When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for 55056every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss 55057is away and you get twice as much done. 55058 -- Daniel B. Luten 55059% 55060When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy. 55061 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 55062% 55063When some people decide it's time for everyone to make 55064big changes, it means that they want you to change first. 55065% 55066When some people discover the truth, they just 55067can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it. 55068% 55069When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got, 55070Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott, 55071Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes? 55072U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli, 55073They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli, 55074But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines! 55075 55076For might makes right, Members of the corps 55077And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war: 55078They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by 55079 peaceful means. 55080All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression-- 55081Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! 55082 We only want the world to know 55083 That we support the status quo; 55084 They love us everywhere we go, 55085 So when in doubt, send the Marines! 55086 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" 55087% 55088When someone says "I want a programming language in 55089which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 55090% 55091When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. 55092 -- S. Johnson 55093% 55094When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. 55095% 55096When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple 55097of asterisked sentences: 55098 55099 It weighs less than 8 pounds.* 55100 And costs less than $1,300.** 55101 55102In tiny type were these "fuller explanations": 55103 55104 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all 55105 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power 55106 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks 55107 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you 55108 might not be able to figure this out for yourself. 55109 55110 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if 55111 you really want to. Or less. 55112 -- Forbes 55113% 55114When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" 55115 -- Turkish proverb 55116% 55117When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. 55118 -- Chinese proverb 55119% 55120When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking 55121about themselves. 55122% 55123When the cup is full, carry it level. 55124% 55125When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns. 55126 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 55127% 55128When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. 55129 -- Billy Sunday 55130% 55131When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little 55132muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. 55133% 55134When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical. 55135 -- Jon Carroll 55136% 55137When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. 55138% 55139When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. 55140% 55141When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. 55142 -- Hunter S. Thompson 55143% 55144When the government bureau's remedies do not match 55145your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 55146% 55147When the Guru administers, the users 55148are hardly aware that he exists. 55149Next best is a sysop who is loved. 55150Next, one who is feared. 55151And worst, one who is despised. 55152 55153If you don't trust the users, 55154you make them untrustworthy. 55155 55156The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks. 55157When his work is done, 55158the users say, "Amazing: 55159we implemented it, all by ourselves!" 55160% 55161When the leaders speak of peace 55162The common folk know 55163That war is coming 55164When the leaders curse war 55165The mobilization order is already written out. 55166 55167Every day, to earn my daily bread 55168I go to the market where lies are bought 55169Hopefully 55170I take my place among the sellers. 55171 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood" 55172% 55173When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 55174the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 55175nose bleed, which usually cures them of _t_h_a_t. 55176 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 55177% 55178When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look 55179like a nail. 55180% 55181When the President does it, that means it is not illegal. 55182 -- Richard M. Nixon 55183% 55184When the revolution comes, count your change. 55185% 55186When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask 55187if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone," 55188he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the 55189right." 55190 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in 55191the wrong joke." 55192% 55193When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is 55194metaphysics. 55195 -- Voltaire 55196% 55197When the sun shineth, make hay. 55198 -- John Heywood 55199% 55200When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 55201stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 55202from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones 55203were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the 55204corners as bodies of a lower grade ... 55205 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 55206% 55207When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre, 55208he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single 55209seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly, 55210"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but 55211stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after 55212several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. 55213 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo, 55214what's your name?" 55215 "Samuel," he mumbled. 55216 "And where're you from, Sam?" 55217 "The balcony." 55218% 55219When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the 55220plane will fly. 55221 -- Donald Douglas 55222% 55223When the wind is great, bow before it; 55224when the wind is heavy, yield to it. 55225% 55226When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course 55227is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. 55228 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 55229% 55230When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. 55231 -- Honore de Balzac 55232% 55233When things go well, expect something to 55234explode, erode, collapse or just disappear. 55235% 55236When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most 55237insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are 55238required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and 55239exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. 55240 -- George Bernard Shaw 55241% 55242When users see one GUI as beautiful, 55243other user interfaces become ugly. 55244When users see some programs as winners, 55245other programs become lossage. 55246 55247Pointers and NULLs reference each other. 55248High level and assembler depend on each other. 55249Double and float cast to each other. 55250High-endian and low-endian define each other. 55251While and until follow each other. 55252 55253Therefore the Guru 55254programs without doing anything 55255and teaches without saying anything. 55256Warnings arise and he lets them come; 55257processes are swapped and he lets them go. 55258He has but doesn't possess, 55259acts but doesn't expect. 55260When his work is done, he deletes it. 55261That is why it lasts forever. 55262% 55263When we are planning for posterity, 55264we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. 55265 -- Thomas Paine 55266% 55267When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find 55268anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, 55269two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the 55270history of war have so few been led by so many. 55271 -- General James Gavin 55272% 55273When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh. 55274% 55275When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- 55276except our fingertips will have been singed. 55277 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 55278% 55279When we write programs that "learn", 55280it turns out we do and they don't. 55281% 55282When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. 55283 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae" 55284% 55285When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; 55286when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not 55287even our virtues. 55288 -- Honore de Balzac 55289% 55290When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. 55291 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" 55292% 55293When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation 55294of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can 55295proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the 55296goal. 55297 -- Amrom Katz 55298% 55299When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; 55300when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. 55301 -- St. Ambrose 55302% 55303When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 55304% 55305When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. 55306% 55307When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later 55308something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend 55309your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all 55310the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a 55311vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will 55312eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent 55313narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything -- 55314will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. 55315But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come 55316from, to torture and unsettle us? 55317 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer" 55318% 55319When you become used to never being alone, 55320you may consider yourself Americanized. 55321% 55322When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal. 55323% 55324When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. 55325 -- Brooke Shields 55326% 55327When you dig another out of trouble, 55328you've got a place to bury your own. 55329% 55330When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 55331% 55332When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. 55333% 55334When you find yourself in danger, 55335When you're threatened by a stranger, 55336When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 55337 55338There is one thing you should learn, 55339When there is no one else to turn to, 55340 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 55341 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 55342% 55343When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf, 55344And the world makes you King for a day, 55345Then go to the mirror and look at yourself, 55346And see what that guy has to say. 55347 For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife, 55348 Who judgement upon you must pass. 55349 The feller whose verdict counts most in your life 55350 Is the guy staring back from the glass. 55351He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest, 55352For he's with you clear up to the end, 55353And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test 55354If the guy in the glass is your friend. 55355 You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum, 55356 And think you're a wonderful guy, 55357 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum 55358 If you can't look him straight in the eye. 55359You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years, 55360And get pats on the back as you pass, 55361But your final reward will be heartaches and tears 55362If you've cheated the guy in the glass. 55363 -- "The Guy in the Glass" 55364 Copyright 1934, Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954) 55365 [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches, 55366 especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.] 55367% 55368When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve 55369people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 55370 -- Norm Crosby 55371% 55372When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. 55373% 55374When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. 55375 -- Harry S. Truman 55376% 55377When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever 55378remains, however improbable, must be the truth. 55379 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 55380% 55381When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 55382clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite 55383answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have 55384acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. 55385 -- R. A. Lafferty 55386% 55387When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. 55388 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war 55389% 55390When you jump for joy, beware that no-one 55391moves the ground from beneath your feet. 55392 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 55393% 55394When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by 55395asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't 55396know the answer either. 55397 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 55398% 55399When you live in a sick society, 55400just about everything you do is wrong. 55401% 55402When you make your mark in the world, 55403watch out for guys with erasers. 55404 -- The Wall Street Journal 55405% 55406When you meet a master swordsman, 55407show him your sword. 55408When you meet a man who is not a poet, 55409do not show him your poem. 55410 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master 55411% 55412When you overesteem great hackers, 55413more users become cretins. 55414When you develop encryption, 55415more users become crackers. 55416 55417The Guru leads 55418by emptying user's minds 55419and increasing their quotas, 55420by weakening their ambition 55421and toughening their resolve. 55422When users lack knowledge and desire, 55423management will not try to interfere. 55424 55425Practice not-looping, 55426and everything will fall into place. 55427% 55428When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that 55429you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. 55430 -- Otto von Bismarck 55431% 55432When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; 55433when they speak to you for your own good it's interference. 55434% 55435When you try to make an impression, the 55436chances are that is the impression you will make. 55437% 55438When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. 55439% 55440When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. 55441When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned. 55442% 55443When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn 55444They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem. 55445 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy" 55446% 55447When your memory goes, forget it! 55448% 55449When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. 55450 -- Henry J. Kaiser 55451% 55452When you're a Yup 55453You're a Yup all the way 55454From your first slice of Brie 55455To your last Cabernet. 55456 55457When you're a Yup 55458You're not just a dreamer 55459You're making things happen 55460You're driving a Beamer. 55461% 55462When you're away, I'm restless, lonely 55463Wretched, bored, dejected, only 55464Here's the rub, my darling dear, 55465I feel the same when you are near. 55466 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" 55467% 55468When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. 55469 -- David Pryce-Jones 55470% 55471When you're dining out and you suspect 55472something's wrong, you're probably right. 55473% 55474When you're down and out, lift up your 55475voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"! 55476% 55477When you're in command, command. 55478 -- Admiral Nimitz 55479% 55480When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when 55481you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened 55482of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time. 55483 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" 55484% 55485When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 55486% 55487When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? 55488% 55489WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick 55490your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil. 55491 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 55492% 55493WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to 55494laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle 55495to become a parrot or something. 55496 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 55497% 55498Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really". 55499 -- Dave Parnas 55500% 55501Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children 55502to spend their weekends with? 55503 -- Rita Rudner 55504% 55505Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. 55506% 55507Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel 55508a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. 55509 -- Abraham Lincoln 55510% 55511Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct 55512is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. 55513Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 55514 -- Jack Handey 55515% 55516Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 55517 -- Oscar Wilde 55518% 55519Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, 55520 We people on the pavement looked at him: 55521He was a gentleman from sole to crown, 55522 Clean-favored, and imperially slim. 55523And he was always quietly arrayed, 55524 And he was always human when he talked; 55525But still he fluttered pulses when he said, 55526 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked. 55527And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king -- 55528 And admirably schooled in every grace: 55529In fine, we thought that he was everything 55530 To make us wish that we were in his place. 55531So on we worked, and waited for the light, 55532 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; 55533And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, 55534 Went home and put a bullet through his head. 55535 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" 55536% 55537Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, 55538you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. 55539% 55540Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last 55541you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his 55542Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 55543 -- Mark Twain 55544 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 55545% 55546Whenever you find that you are on the 55547side of the majority, it is time to reform. 55548 -- Mark Twain 55549% 55550Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and 55551weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes 55552and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons. 55553 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 55554% 55555Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I 55556% 55557Where am I, and what am I doing in this handbasket? 55558 -- Mark A. Matthews, to Wes Peters, circa 1996 55559% 55560Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? 55561% 55562WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 55563 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 55564 When it's converted to energy? 55565 There is a slight loss of parity. 55566 Johnny's so long at the fair. 55567% 55568Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? 55569 -- Karl Kraus 55570% 55571Where do you go to get anorexia? 55572 -- Shelley Winters 55573% 55574Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 55575is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 55576 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 55577% 55578Where is John Carson now that we need him? 55579 -- RLG 55580% 55581Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to 55582examine the laws of heat. 55583 -- Christopher Morley 55584% 55585Where, oh, where, are you tonight? 55586Why did you leave me here all alone? 55587I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love. 55588You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone. 55589 55590Gloom, despair and agony on me. 55591Deep dark depression, excessive misery. 55592If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. 55593Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. 55594 -- Hee Haw 55595% 55596Where the hell is Wall Drug? 55597% 55598Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". 55599% 55600Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance 55601in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 55602% 55603Where there is much light there is also much shadow. 55604 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 55605% 55606Where there's a whip there's a way. 55607% 55608Where there's a will, there's a relative. 55609% 55610Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 55611% 55612Where will it all end? 55613Probably somewhere near where it all began. 55614% 55615Where you stand depends on where you sit. 55616 -- Rufus Miles, HEW 55617% 55618Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. 55619 -- Wittgenstein 55620% 55621Where's the man could ease a heart 55622Like a satin gown? 55623 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" 55624% 55625...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to 55626spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it. 55627 -- Richard Shelton 55628% 55629Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest, 55630Do not cease your single-handed struggle. 55631Go on, do not rest. 55632 -- An old Gujarati hymn 55633% 55634Whether you can hear it or not 55635The Universe is laughing behind your back 55636 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 55637% 55638Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? 55639% 55640Which would you rather have, a bursting 55641planet or an earthquake here and there? 55642 -- John Joseph Lynch 55643% 55644While anyone can admit to themselves they were 55645wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. 55646% 55647While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 55648The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 55649While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 55650And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 55651Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 55652The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 55653 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 55654 November 26, 1792 55655% 55656While having never invented a sin, 55657I'm trying to perfect several. 55658% 55659While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint 55660Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile, 55661began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, 55662lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to 55663define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what 55664a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in." 55665 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes" 55666% 55667While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, 55668As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 55669 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven" 55670 55671 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 55672 referring to hardware interrupts.] 55673 55674And now I see with eye serene 55675The very pulse of the machine. 55676 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight" 55677 55678 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 55679 referring to software interrupts.] 55680% 55681While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't 55682keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. 55683 -- Edward Stevenson 55684% 55685While money can't buy happiness, it certainly 55686lets you choose your own form of misery. 55687% 55688While most peoples' opinions change, 55689the conviction of their correctness never does. 55690% 55691While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who 55692held a gun to his head. 55693 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" 55694 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot, 55695as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple. 55696 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted. 55697 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed 55698his head. "Go ahead and shoot." 55699% 55700While there's life, there's hope. 55701 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 55702% 55703While walking down a crowded 55704City street the other day, 55705I heard a little urchin 55706To a comrade turn and say, 55707"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse, 55708I'd be happy as a clam 55709If only I was de feller dat 55710Me mudder t'inks I am. 55711 55712"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil 55713An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy, 55714Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson 55715Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy. 55716Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint 55717How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star: 55718If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that 55719Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are. 55720 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow" 55721% 55722While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. 55723 -- Dean Rusk 55724% 55725While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's 55726still very reassuring to know that it's still there. 55727% 55728While you recently had your problems on the run, 55729they've regrouped and are making another attack. 55730% 55731While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are 55732safe, for you can watch both of his. 55733 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 55734% 55735Whip it, whip it good! 55736% 55737Whistler's Law: 55738 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. 55739% 55740Whistler's mother is off her rocker. 55741% 55742White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. 55743% 55744Whitehead's Law: 55745 The obvious answer is always overlooked. 55746% 55747White's Statement: 55748 Don't lose heart! 55749 55750Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: 55751 ...they might want to cut it out... 55752 55753Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary: 55754 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. 55755% 55756Who are you? 55757% 55758Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously? 55759 -- Nathan Pusey 55760% 55761Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with 55762our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process... 55763% 55764Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? 55765 -- Hattie McDaniel 55766% 55767Who does not love wine, women, and song, 55768Remains a fool his whole life long. 55769 -- Johann Heinrich Voss 55770% 55771Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. 55772 -- Lao Tsu 55773% 55774Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. 55775 -- Thomas Tusser 55776% 55777Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now? 55778% 55779Who is John Galt? 55780% 55781Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? 55782% 55783Who loves me will also love my dog. 55784 -- John Donne 55785% 55786Who loves not wisely but too well 55787Will look on Helen's face in hell, 55788But he whose love is thin and wise 55789Will view John Knox in Paradise. 55790 -- Dorothy Parker 55791% 55792Who made the world I cannot tell; 55793'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 55794My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 55795I never soiled with such a deed. 55796 -- A. E. Housman 55797% 55798Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? 55799% 55800Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? 55801% 55802Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!? 55803No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em! 55804% 55805Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? 55806 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927 55807% 55808Who to himself is law no law doth need, 55809offends no law, and is a king indeed. 55810 -- George Chapman 55811% 55812Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE? 55813% 55814Who was that masked man? 55815% 55816Who will take care of the world after you're gone? 55817% 55818Whoever dies with the most toys wins. 55819% 55820Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 55821become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks 55822into you. 55823 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 55824% 55825Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy. 55826 -- Groucho Marx 55827% 55828Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the 55829pure in heart can make a good soup. 55830 -- Ludwig van Beethoven 55831% 55832Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. 55833% 55834"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. 55835 -- George Ade 55836% 55837Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. 55838% 55839Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. 55840% 55841Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. 55842 -- Bernard Levin 55843% 55844Who's on first? 55845% 55846Who's scruffy-looking? 55847 -- Han Solo 55848% 55849Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. 55850Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery. 55851% 55852Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? 55853 -- Paul Simon 55854% 55855Why are programmers non-productive? 55856Because their time is wasted in meetings. 55857 55858Why are programmers rebellious? 55859Because the management interferes too much. 55860 55861Why are the programmers resigning one by one? 55862Because they are burnt out. 55863 55864Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. 55865 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 55866% 55867Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus?" I could 55868have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing. 55869 -- Ian Shoales 55870% 55871Why are you so hard to ignore? 55872% 55873Why are you watching 55874The washing machine? 55875I love entertainment 55876So long as it's clean. 55877 55878Professor Doberman: 55879 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded 55880pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified 55881improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic 55882experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one 55883must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in 55884fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one 55885receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have 55886been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its 55887meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be 55888suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive 55889implications. 55890% 55891Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. 55892 -- Erik Satie 55893% 55894Why be a man when you can be a success? 55895 -- Bertolt Brecht 55896% 55897Why be difficult, when, with just a 55898little more effort, you can be impossible? 55899% 55900Why bother building anymore nuclear 55901warheads until we use the ones we have? 55902% 55903Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? 55904% 55905Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of 55906movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? 55907% 55908Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office 55909automation? 55910% 55911Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another 55912meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it 55913doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a 55914corner." 55915% 55916Why do seagulls live near the sea? 55917'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls. 55918% 55919Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? 55920It's quite uncanny. 55921% 55922Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? 55923% 55924Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? 55925% 55926Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. 55927% 55928Why do we want intelligent terminals 55929when there are so many stupid users? 55930% 55931Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? 55932 -- Carl Sandburg 55933% 55934Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? 55935% 55936Why does man kill? He kills for food. 55937And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. 55938 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 55939% 55940Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have 55941more lawyers? 55942 55943New Jersey had first choice. 55944% 55945Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? 55946 -- Jimmy Durante 55947% 55948Why don't elephants eat penguins ? 55949 55950Because they can't get the wrappers off ... 55951% 55952Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? 55953We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether 55954we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a 55955pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to 55956pay the fiddler. 55957 -- The Best of Will Rogers 55958% 55959Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle? 55960 -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program 55961% 55962Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she 55963kissed her cow. 55964 -- Rabelais 55965% 55966Why I Can't Go Out With You: 55967 55968I'd LOVE to, but... 55969 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 55970 -- None of my socks match. 55971 -- I'm having all my plants neutered. 55972 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 55973 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky. 55974 -- I'm touring China with a wok band. 55975 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 55976 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student 55977 named Basil Metabolism. 55978 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about. 55979 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 55980 -- I prefer to remain an enigma. 55981 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever. 55982 -- I feel a song coming on. 55983% 55984Why I Can't Go Out With You: 55985 55986I'd LOVE to, but... 55987 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 55988 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant. 55989 -- I'm trying to be less popular. 55990 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting. 55991 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 55992 -- My subconscious says no. 55993 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I 55994 can't seem to put it down. 55995 -- My favorite commercial is on TV. 55996 -- I have to study for my blood test. 55997 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati. 55998 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 55999 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering. 56000% 56001Why I Can't Go Out With You: 56002 56003I'd LOVE to, but... 56004 -- I have to floss my cat. 56005 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 56006 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 56007 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 56008 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. 56009 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 56010 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 56011 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise. 56012 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 56013 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 56014% 56015Why I Can't Go Out With You: 56016 56017I'd LOVE to, but... 56018 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 56019 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 56020 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 56021 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 56022 -- I have to fulfill my potential. 56023 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 56024 -- It's too close to the turn of the century. 56025 -- I have to bleach my hare. 56026 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob. 56027 -- I left my body in my other clothes. 56028% 56029Why I Can't Go Out With You: 56030 56031I'd LOVE to, but... 56032 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 56033 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 56034 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 56035 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 56036 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night. 56037 -- I'm building a plant from a kit. 56038 -- There's a disturbance in the Force. 56039 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 56040 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 56041 -- My crayons all melted together. 56042% 56043Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? 56044% 56045Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? 56046% 56047Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? 56048It is because we are not the person involved. 56049 -- Mark Twain 56050% 56051Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 56052 -- Steven Wright 56053% 56054Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 56055 -- Lily Tomlin 56056% 56057Why isn't there some cheap and easy 56058way to prove how much she means to me? 56059% 56060Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love 56061you knowing nothing? 56062 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions 56063% 56064Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they 56065are another's. 56066 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 56067% 56068Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I 56069not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't -- 56070Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not 56071do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want 56072me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? -- 56073I can't think why not. 56074 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria, 56075 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 56076% 56077Why not go out on a limb? 56078Isn't that where the fruit is? 56079% 56080Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? 56081Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your 56082children open their old-fashioned presents. 56083 56084Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" 56085 56086You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it 56087 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" 56088 56089Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer 56090 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, 56091 and I get this cretin TOP?" 56092 56093Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." 56094 56095You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" 56096 56097Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." 56098 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 56099% 56100Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a 56101fresh one for a quarter of the price? 56102% 56103Why was I born with such contemporaries? 56104 -- Oscar Wilde 56105% 56106Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is 56107wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that 56108unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it 56109not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant 56110beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be 56111incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling 56112into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily 56113needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate 56114origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that 56115we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal 56116parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all 56117eternity for his faithlessness. 56118 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology", 56119 Fortnightly Review, 1876 56120% 56121Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? 56122 -- Tom Ryan 56123% 56124Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? 56125% 56126Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: 56127 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, 56128when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your 56129direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. 56130 -- John L. Shelton 56131% 56132Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? 56133 -- The Tasmanian Devil 56134% 56135Wiker's Law: 56136 Government expands to absorb all 56137 available revenue and then some. 56138% 56139Wilcox's Law: 56140 A pat on the back is only a few 56141 centimeters from a kick in the pants. 56142% 56143Will Rogers never met you. 56144% 56145Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? 56146That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even! 56147% 56148Will your long-winded speeches never end? 56149What ails you that you keep on arguing? 56150 -- Job 16:3 56151% 56152Williams and Holland's Law: 56153 If enough data is collected, 56154 anything may be proven by statistical methods. 56155% 56156Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite, 56157See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite; 56158Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays: 56159Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days. 56160 56161Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash, 56162Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash. 56163Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly, 56164Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. 56165 56166William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell, 56167Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well! 56168Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water, 56169"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter." 56170 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899 56171% 56172Wilner's Observation: 56173 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. 56174% 56175Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. 56176 -- Vince Lombardi 56177% 56178Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. 56179% 56180Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... 56181If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your 56182head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... 56183 -- Steven Wright 56184% 56185Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." 56186 -- Robert Byrne 56187% 56188Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house 56189as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 56190% 56191[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying 56192hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. 56193 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV 56194% 56195Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. 56196 -- J. Winter Smith 56197% 56198Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list. 56199% 56200Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. 56201 -- Frank Tyger 56202% 56203Wit, n.: 56204 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... 56205 by leaving it out. 56206 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 56207% 56208With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I 56209try to be a fraud and a half. 56210 -- Otto von Bismarck 56211% 56212With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 56213 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 56214% 56215With all the fancy scientists in the world, 56216why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. 56217% 56218With all the talent around, it's sort of 56219amazing that a woman could be up here with us. 56220 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner 56221% 56222With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. 56223% 56224With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time 56225they make a law it's a joke. 56226 -- W. Rogers 56227% 56228With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 56229miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, 56230and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there 56231is no such thing as progress. 56232 -- Ransom K. Ferm 56233% 56234With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind 56235she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself. 56236 -- Tolstoy 56237% 56238With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance. 56239% 56240With reasonable men I will reason; 56241with humane men I will plead; 56242but to tyrants I will give no quarter. 56243 -- William Lloyd Garrison 56244% 56245With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team 56246celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus 56247party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and 56248eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 56249parties. 56250 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 56251strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 56252your G.P.A.?" 56253 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in 56254the city and forty on the highway." 56255% 56256With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of 56257it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too 56258close. Like catching snakes. 56259 -- Marlon Brando 56260% 56261Within a computer, natural language is unnatural. 56262% 56263Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential 56264community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might 56265keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet 56266Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how 56267we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb. 56268I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke 56269them again -- and this time we'd use it. 56270 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the 56271 White House's National Security Council, Washington 56272 Post, 21 March, 1982 56273% 56274Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. 56275 -- Alfred North Whitehead 56276% 56277Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the 56278way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an 56279indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less 56280important to him than his table or his white robe. 56281 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac 56282% 56283Without fools there would be no wisdom. 56284% 56285Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 56286% 56287Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. 56288% 56289Without love intelligence is dangerous; 56290without intelligence love is not enough. 56291 -- Ashley Montagu 56292% 56293With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about? 56294 -- Pink Floyd 56295% 56296Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer, 56297Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer 56298The future's uncertain and the end is always near. 56299 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues" 56300% 56301Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion 56302bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone. 56303Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. 56304% 56305WOLF: 56306 A man who knows all the ankles. 56307% 56308Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" 56309Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." 56310% 56311Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 56312 -- Dumas 56313% 56314Woman is generally so bad that the difference 56315between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. 56316 -- Tolstoy 56317% 56318Woman, n.: 56319 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and 56320 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. 56321 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 56322% 56323Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. 56324Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. 56325 I shall be sober in the morning. 56326% 56327Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor 56328out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be 56329equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart 56330that he might love her. 56331 -- Henry 56332% 56333Woman would be more charming if one could 56334fall into her arms without falling into her hands. 56335 -- DeGourmont 56336% 56337Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool. 56338 -- Cervantes 56339% 56340Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: 56341 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. 56342 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. 56343 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) 56344 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a 56345 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. 56346 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. 56347 -- Rich Kulawiec 56348% 56349Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, 56350they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with. 56351 -- Warren Beatty 56352% 56353Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: 56354once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their 56355marriage certificates, and defy you. 56356 -- Jerrold 56357% 56358Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it 56359from charity, or revenge? 56360 -- Gustave Vapereau 56361% 56362Women are just like men, only different. 56363% 56364Women are like elephants to me: I like to 56365look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. 56366 -- W. C. Fields 56367% 56368Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. 56369 -- Herold 56370% 56371Women are nothing but machines for producing children. 56372 -- Napoleon 56373% 56374Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. 56375 -- Stephens 56376% 56377Women aren't as mere as they used to be. 56378 -- Pogo 56379% 56380Women can keep a secret just as well as men, 56381but it takes more of them to do it. 56382% 56383Women come and go, but BSD is forever. 56384 -- Derek Young 56385% 56386Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two 56387categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. 56388 -- Ann Landers 56389% 56390Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge 56391as good as any other. 56392 -- Philippe De Remi 56393% 56394Women give themselves to God when the 56395Devil wants nothing more to do with them. 56396 -- Arnould 56397% 56398Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly; 56399but they invariably want it back in such very small change. 56400 -- Wilde 56401% 56402Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little 56403crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying. 56404 -- Ansey 56405% 56406Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. 56407In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the 56408original earth clinging to the roots. 56409 -- Ambrose Bierce 56410% 56411Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong 56412than men who reason with the head. 56413 -- DeLescure 56414% 56415Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, 56416but never a man who misses one. 56417 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord 56418% 56419Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship 56420us and are always bothering us to do something for them. 56421 -- Wilde 56422% 56423Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell 56424them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man 56425than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry. 56426 -- Mort Sahl 56427% 56428Women waste men's lives and think they have 56429indemnified them by a few gracious words. 56430 -- Honore de Balzac 56431% 56432Women, when they are not in love, have all 56433the cold blood of an experienced attorney. 56434 -- Honore de Balzac 56435% 56436Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, 56437always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron. 56438 -- Honore de Balzac 56439% 56440Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination. 56441% 56442Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; 56443not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or 56444graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. 56445 -- Amiel 56446% 56447Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. 56448% 56449Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. 56450 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner 56451% 56452Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, 56453and philosophy begins in wonder. 56454 Socrates, quoting Plato 56455% 56456Wonderful day. 56457Your hangover just makes it seem terrible. 56458% 56459Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If 56460you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut 56461down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that 56462tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with 56463long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit 56464there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you 56465come back. 56466 56467Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, 56468when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. 56469Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the 56470cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood 56471heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately 56472beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, 56473and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, 56474although their insurance rates went way up. 56475 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 56476% 56477Woodward's Law: 56478 A theory is better than its explanation. 56479% 56480Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson? 56481Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. 56482 Let's just cut to the happy ending. 56483 -- Cheers, Airport V 56484 56485Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. 56486Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here. 56487 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back 56488 56489Sam: Beer, Norm? 56490Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good. 56491 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens 56492% 56493Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? 56494Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? 56495 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction 56496 56497Sam: What are you up to Norm? 56498Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. 56499 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh 56500 56501Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. 56502Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.' 56503 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 56504% 56505Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? 56506Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. 56507 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 56508 56509Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that 56510 swallowed the canary. 56511Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down. 56512 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 56513 56514Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? 56515Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. 56516 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2 56517% 56518Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? 56519Norm: The warranty on my liver. 56520 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do 56521 56522Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? 56523Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. 56524 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd 56525 56526Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 56527Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood. 56528 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife 56529% 56530Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? 56531Norm: Poor. 56532Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 56533Norm: No, I meant `pour'. 56534 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3 56535 56536Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? 56537Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. 56538 -- Cheers, The Proposal 56539 56540Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? 56541Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. 56542 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 56543% 56544Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 56545Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. 56546 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office 56547 56548Sam: How's life treating you? 56549Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't. 56550 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss 56551 56552Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? 56553Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? 56554Woody: For a beer? 56555Norm: No, for stupid questions. 56556 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie 56557% 56558Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? 56559Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? 56560 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1 56561 56562Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? 56563Norm: My cheeks on this barstool. 56564 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 56565 56566Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? 56567Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... 56568 Eh, make that one-thirty. 56569 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 56570% 56571Woolsey-Swanson Rule: 56572 People would rather live with a problem they cannot 56573 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. 56574% 56575Words are the voice of the heart. 56576% 56577Words can never express what words can never express. 56578% 56579Words have a longer life than deeds. 56580 -- Pindar 56581% 56582Words must be weighed, not counted. 56583% 56584WORK: 56585 The blessed respite from screaming kids and 56586 soap operas for which you actually get paid. 56587% 56588Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. 56589Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. 56590 -- Mark Twain 56591% 56592Work continues in this area. 56593 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton 56594% 56595Work expands to fill the time available. 56596 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955 56597% 56598Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near 56599the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people 56600to do so. 56601 -- Bertrand Russell 56602% 56603Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. 56604 -- Schulz 56605% 56606Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 56607 -- Mike Romanoff 56608% 56609Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with 56610a handshake, and have fun. 56611 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy, 56612 shortly before dying at the age of 86. 56613% 56614Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): 56615 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage 56616any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you 56617should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, 56618and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we 56619bargained for. 56620% 56621Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. 56622% 56623Work without a vision is slavery, 56624Vision without work is a pipe dream, 56625But vision with work is the hope of the world. 56626% 56627Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your 56628chairs. 56629% 56630Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with 56631a valentine. 56632 -- Christopher Plummer 56633% 56634World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century 56635since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil 56636thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately 56637-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds 56638together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of 56639error in the world." 56640 -- Sydney Harris 56641% 56642World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced 56643dress code! 56644% 56645Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair-- 56646It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. 56647% 56648Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 56649 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. 56650 -- Steve Rubenstein 56651% 56652Worst Month of the Year: 56653 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 56654 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you 56655 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 56656 -- Steve Rubenstein 56657% 56658Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: 56659 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved 56660 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from 56661 exploding bombs damage my videotapes?" 56662% 56663Worst Vegetable of the Year: 56664 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. 56665 -- Steve Rubenstein 56666% 56667Worth seeing? 56668Yes, but not worth going to see. 56669% 56670Worthless. 56671 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS 56672 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the 56673 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the 56674 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September 56675 15, 1842. 56676% 56677Would it help if I got out and pushed? 56678 -- Princess Leia Organa 56679% 56680Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. 56681 -- Alfieri 56682% 56683Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights? 56684% 56685Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? 56686 -- John Heywood 56687% 56688Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? 56689% 56690Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? 56691% 56692Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! 56693% 56694Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine 56695stuff ... 56696 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg 56697 trial testimony, 1947 56698% 56699Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight? 56700 -- George Carlin 56701% 56702Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were 56703a turn-on? 56704 -- "Broadcast News" 56705% 56706Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. 56707 -- Mark Twain 56708% 56709Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. 56710 -- Anonymous 56711% 56712Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. 56713% 56714Write-protect tab, n.: 56715 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left 56716 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message 56717 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary 56718 inconvenience. 56719 -- Robb Russon 56720% 56721Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear 56722witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results 56723from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. 56724Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief 56725and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped 56726make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th 56727century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce. 56728Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM 56729PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult 56730holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it 56731is itself the one hope for salvation. 56732 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 56733% 56734Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 56735 -- Frank Zappa 56736% 56737Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. 56738% 56739Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of 56740paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. 56741 -- Gene Fowler 56742% 56743Writing is turning one's worst moments into money. 56744 -- J. P. Donleavy 56745% 56746Writing software is more fun than working. 56747% 56748WRONG! 56749% 56750"Wrong," said Renner. 56751 56752"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with 56753the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" 56754% 56755WYSIWYG: 56756 What You See Is What You Get. 56757% 56758X windows: 56759 Accept any substitute. 56760 If it's broke, don't fix it. 56761 If it ain't broke, fix it. 56762 Form follows malfunction. 56763 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence. 56764 The trailing edge of software technology. 56765 Armageddon never looked so good. 56766 Japan's secret weapon. 56767 You'll envy the dead. 56768 Making the world safe for competing window systems. 56769 Let it get in YOUR way. 56770 The problem for your problem. 56771 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto. 56772 It could be worse, but it'll take time. 56773 Simplicity made complex. 56774 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid. 56775 Flakey and built to stay that way. 56776 56777One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years. 56778 X windows. 56779% 56780X windows: 56781 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. 56782 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. 56783 Built to take on the world... and lose! 56784 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it. 56785 Power tools for Power Fools. 56786 Putting new limits on productivity. 56787 The closer you look, the cruftier we look. 56788 Design by counterexample. 56789 A new level of software disintegration. 56790 No hardware is safe. 56791 Do your time. 56792 Rationalization, not realization. 56793 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. 56794 Gratuitous incompatibility. 56795 Your mother. 56796 THE user interference management system. 56797 You can't argue with failure. 56798 You haven't died 'til you've used it. 56799 56800The environment of today... tomorrow! 56801 X windows. 56802% 56803X windows: 56804 Something you can be ashamed of. 56805 30%% more entropy than the leading window system. 56806 The first fully modular software disaster. 56807 Rome was destroyed in a day. 56808 Warn your friends about it. 56809 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights. 56810 An accident that couldn't wait to happen. 56811 Don't wait for the movie. 56812 Never use it after a big meal. 56813 Need we say less? 56814 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence. 56815 It'll make your day. 56816 Don't get frustrated without it. 56817 Power tools for power losers. 56818 A software disaster of Biblical proportions. 56819 Never had it. Never will. 56820 The software with no visible means of support. 56821 More than just a generation behind. 56822 56823Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel. 56824 X windows. 56825% 56826X windows: 56827 The ultimate bottleneck. 56828 Flawed beyond belief. 56829 The only thing you have to fear. 56830 Somewhere between chaos and insanity. 56831 On autopilot to oblivion. 56832 The joke that kills. 56833 A disgrace you can be proud of. 56834 A mistake carried out to perfection. 56835 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. 56836 To err is X windows. 56837 Ignorance is our most important resource. 56838 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. 56839 Built to fall apart. 56840 Nullifying centuries of progress. 56841 Falling to new depths of inefficiency. 56842 The last thing you need. 56843 The de facto substandard. 56844 56845Elevating brain damage to an art form. 56846 X windows. 56847% 56848X windows: 56849 We will dump no core before its time. 56850 One good crash deserves another. 56851 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone. 56852 We make excuses. 56853 It didn't even look good on paper. 56854 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later! 56855 A new concept in abuser interfaces. 56856 How can something get so bad, so quickly? 56857 It could happen to you. 56858 The art of incompetence. 56859 You have nothing to lose but your lunch. 56860 When uselessness just isn't enough. 56861 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier! 56862 When you can't afford to be right. 56863 And you thought we couldn't make it worse. 56864 56865If it works, it isn't X windows. 56866% 56867X windows: 56868 You'd better sit down. 56869 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. 56870 Why do it right when you can do it wrong? 56871 Live the nightmare. 56872 Our bugs run faster. 56873 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. 56874 There ARE no rules. 56875 You'll wish we were kidding. 56876 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more. 56877 Dissatisfaction guaranteed. 56878 There's got to be a better way. 56879 The next best thing to keypunching. 56880 Leave the thrashing to us. 56881 We wrote the book on core dumps. 56882 Even your dog won't like it. 56883 More than enough rope. 56884 Garbage at your fingertips. 56885 56886Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. 56887 X windows. 56888% 56889Xerox does it again and again and again and ... 56890% 56891Xerox never comes up with anything original. 56892% 56893XEROX never does anything original. 56894% 56895XI: 56896 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would 56897 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty 56898 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all 56899 the managers would fly off. 56900XII: 56901 It costs a lot to build bad products. 56902XIII: 56903 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. 56904 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to 56905 intermingle the two. 56906XIV: 56907 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will 56908 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent 56909 of every airplane's weight. 56910XV: 56911 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost 56912 and two-thirds of the problems. 56913 -- Norman Augustine 56914% 56915XIIdigitation, n.: 56916 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made 56917 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. 56918 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 56919% 56920XLI: 56921 The more one produces, the less one gets. 56922XLII: 56923 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. 56924XLIII: 56925 Hardware works best when it matters the least. 56926XLIV: 56927 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly 56928 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the 56929 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. 56930XLV: 56931 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the 56932 unexpected should have been expected. 56933XLVI: 56934 A billion saved is a billion earned. 56935 -- Norman Augustine 56936% 56937XLVII: 56938 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other 56939 third is covered with auditors from headquarters. 56940XLVIII: 56941 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the 56942 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. 56943 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less 56944 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. 56945XLIX: 56946 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. 56947L: 56948 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a 56949 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times 56950 as long as the official's who created it. 56951LI: 56952 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more 56953 government workers than there are workers. 56954LII: 56955 People working in the private sector should try to save money. 56956 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. 56957 -- Norman Augustine 56958% 56959XML is a giant step in no direction at all. 56960 -- Erik Naggum 56961% 56962XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using 56963enough of it. 56964 -- XML guru Chris Maden 56965% 56966X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing 56967they leave to the imagination is the plot. 56968% 56969XVI: 56970 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one 56971 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and 56972 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be 56973 made available to the Marines for the extra day. 56974XVII: 56975 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, 56976 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases. 56977XVIII: 56978 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon 56979 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of 56980 ten degradation accomplished. 56981XIX: 56982 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will 56983 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. 56984XX: 56985 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding 56986 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the 56987 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. 56988 -- Norman Augustine 56989% 56990XXI: 56991 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. 56992XXII: 56993 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, 56994 not selling advice. 56995XXIII: 56996 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is 56997 currently estimated. 56998XXIV: 56999 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an 57000 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most 57001 costly action known to man. 57002XXV: 57003 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete 57004 or a new canvas to an artist. 57005 -- Norman Augustine 57006% 57007XXVI: 57008 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each 57009 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. 57010XXVII: 57011 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. 57012XXVIII: 57013 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. 57014XXIX: 57015 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their 57016 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results 57017 hang on about half a decade. 57018XXX: 57019 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, 57020 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. 57021 -- Norman Augustine 57022% 57023XXXI: 57024 The optimum committee has no members. 57025XXXII: 57026 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of 57027 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. 57028XXXIII: 57029 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. 57030XXXIV: 57031 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work 57032 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed 57033 randomly. 57034XXXV: 57035 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, 57036 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give 57037 the data authenticity. 57038 -- Norman Augustine 57039% 57040XXXVI: 57041 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar 57042 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the 57043 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other 57044 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. 57045XXXVII: 57046 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. 57047 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. 57048XXXVIII: 57049 The early bird gets the worm. 57050 The early worm ... gets eaten. 57051XXXIX: 57052 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of 57053 the year -- in either direction. 57054XL: 57055 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. 57056 -- Norman Augustine 57057% 57058Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! 57059% 57060Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 57061goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 57062their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 57063unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 57064doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 57065 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgments" 57066% 57067Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some 57068rays and became a tangent ? 57069% 57070Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id. 57071 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 57072% 57073Yea from the table of my memory 57074I'll wipe away all trivial fond records. 57075 -- Hamlet 57076% 57077Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall 57078fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic 57079operators together. 57080 -- Steve Higgins 57081% 57082Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context. 57083% 57084Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death. 57085% 57086Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like 57087a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it. 57088% 57089Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, 57090the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm 57091a private eye. 57092 -- Calvin 57093% 57094Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, 57095but they won't go out with you if you don't have any. 57096% 57097Year Name James Bond Book 57098---- -------------------------------- -------------- ---- 5709950's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson 571001962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958 571011963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957 571021964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959 571031965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961 571041967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954 571051967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964 571061969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963 571071971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956 571081973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955 571091974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965 571101977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette) 571111979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955 571121981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 571131983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965 571141983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery 571151985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 571161987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) 57117 * -- Not a Broccoli production 57118% 57119Year, n.: 57120 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 57121 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 57122% 57123Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 57124% 57125Yes, but which self do you want to be? 57126% 57127Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat. 57128 -- James D. Nicoll 57129% 57130Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those 57131L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. 57132 -- Rita Rudner 57133% 57134Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me. 57135And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy. 57136Just different ways to kill the pain the same. 57137But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, 57138Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. 57139I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane. 57140 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) 57141% 57142Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in 57143that order. 57144 -- George Michaelson 57145% 57146Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. 57147Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. 57148Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 57149 -- Snoopy 57150% 57151Yesterday upon the stair 57152I met a man who wasn't there. 57153He wasn't there again today -- 57154I think he's from the CIA. 57155% 57156Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most 57157astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God 57158I'm not respectable. 57159 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd 57160% 57161Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty 57162feet. 57163 -- John Cheever 57164% 57165Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. 57166 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 57167% 57168Yinkel, n.: 57169 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, 57170 hoping no one will notice. 57171 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 57172% 57173You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. 57174% 57175You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty 57176spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb. 57177% 57178You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. 57179% 57180You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. 57181% 57182You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in 57183use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and 57184the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the 57185moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?" 57186% 57187You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. 57188% 57189You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. 57190 -- Philip Whalen 57191% 57192You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. 57193 -- Sherlock Holmes 57194% 57195You are always busy. 57196% 57197You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 57198% 57199You are an insult to my intelligence! 57200I demand that you log off immediately. 57201% 57202You are as I am with You. 57203% 57204You are capable of planning your future. 57205% 57206You are confused; but this is your normal state. 57207% 57208You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. 57209% 57210You are destined to become the commandant of the 57211fighting men of the department of transportation. 57212% 57213You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. 57214% 57215You are fairminded, just and loving. 57216% 57217You are false data. 57218% 57219You are farsighted, a good planner, 57220an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. 57221% 57222You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. 57223% 57224You are going to have a new love affair. 57225% 57226You are here: 57227 *** 57228 *** 57229 ********* 57230 ******* 57231 ***** 57232 *** 57233 * 57234 57235 But you're not all there. 57236% 57237You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. 57238% 57239You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. 57240% 57241You are in the hall of the mountain king. 57242% 57243You are lost in the Swamps of Despair. 57244% 57245You are loved by the multitudes. 57246Have you been to the clinic lately? 57247% 57248You are magnetic in your bearing. 57249% 57250You are never given a wish without also being given the 57251power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. 57252 -- R. Bach, 57253 "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 57254% 57255You are not a fool just because you have done 57256something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you. 57257% 57258You are not dead yet. 57259But watch for further reports. 57260% 57261You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing 57262forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are 57263avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. 57264 -- Ambrose Bierce 57265% 57266You are now in Atlanta, Georgia. 57267Please set your clocks back 200 years. 57268% 57269You are number 6! Who is number one? 57270% 57271"You are old, Father William," the young man said, 57272 "All your papers these days look the same; 57273Those William's would be better unread -- 57274 Do these facts never fill you with shame?" 57275 57276"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, 57277 "I wrote wonderful papers galore; 57278But the great reputation I found that I'd won, 57279 Made it pointless to think any more." 57280% 57281"You are old, father William," the young man said, 57282 "And your hair has become very white; 57283And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 57284 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 57285 57286"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 57287 "I feared it might injure the brain; 57288But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 57289 Why, I do it again and again." 57290 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 57291% 57292"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers 57293 That your lectures bore people to death. 57294Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- 57295 Don't you think that you should save your breath?" 57296 57297"I have answered three questions and that is enough," 57298 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! 57299Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 57300 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" 57301% 57302"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 57303 For anything tougher than suet; 57304Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 57305 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 57306 57307"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 57308 And argued each case with my wife; 57309And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 57310 Has lasted the rest of my life." 57311 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 57312% 57313"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, 57314 And there isn't one language you like; 57315Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- 57316 Have you thought about taking a hike?" 57317 57318"Since I never write programs," his father replied, 57319 "Every language looks equally bad; 57320Yet the people keep paying to read all my books 57321 And don't realize that they've been had." 57322% 57323"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 57324 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 57325Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 57326 Pray what is the reason of that?" 57327 57328"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 57329 "I kept all my limbs very supple 57330By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 57331 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 57332 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 57333% 57334"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 57335 And make errors few people could bear; 57336You complain about everyone's English but yours -- 57337 Do you really think this is quite fair?" 57338 57339"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, 57340 "But my stature these days is so great 57341That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, 57342 And to stop me it's now far too late." 57343% 57344"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 57345 That your eye was as steady as ever; 57346Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 57347 What made you so awfully clever?" 57348 57349"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 57350 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 57351Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 57352 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 57353 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 57354% 57355You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 57356% 57357You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. 57358Therefore you have few friends. 57359% 57360You are sick, twisted and perverted. 57361I like that in a person. 57362% 57363You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. 57364% 57365You are standing on my toes. 57366% 57367You are taking yourself far too seriously. 57368% 57369You are the only person to ever get this message. 57370% 57371You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who 57372points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get 57373attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra 57374chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a 57375gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a 57376rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy 57377trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a 57378vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch 57379long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is 57380dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your 57381head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves 57382are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to 57383transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem 57384to have gotten yourself killed, as well. 57385 57386You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. 57387That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. 57388To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. 57389% 57390You are wise, witty, and wonderful, 57391but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. 57392% 57393You ask what a nice girl will do? 57394She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. 57395 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis 57396% 57397You attempt things that you do not even plan 57398because of your extreme stupidity. 57399% 57400You auto buy now. 57401% 57402You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 57403% 57404You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the 57405peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the 57406municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior 57407courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state 57408supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge 57409reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat 57410between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less 57411than a twenty-dollar bill. 57412 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik 57413% 57414You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. 57415 -- Tim Leary 57416% 57417You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. 57418% 57419You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting 57420incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. 57421Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable 57422to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because 57423nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes 57424they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; 57425some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. 57426 57427The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then 57428pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear 57429safety glasses. 57430 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 57431% 57432You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. 57433They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. 57434% 57435You can approach truth, but never capture it. 57436Lies can be had 'round the corner. 57437 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 57438% 57439You can be replaced by this computer. 57440% 57441You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. 57442 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould 57443% 57444You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 57445doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 57446 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington 57447% 57448You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you 57449know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... 57450they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment 57451they cross the mountains into California, they go insane. 57452 -- Quentin Genter 57453% 57454You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long. 57455 -- Boris Yeltsin 57456% 57457You can cage a swallow, can't you, 57458 but you can't swallow a cage, can you? 57459Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, 57460 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. 57461A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! 57462 -- The Palindromist 57463% 57464You can create your own opportunities this week. 57465Blackmail a senior executive. 57466% 57467You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. 57468 -- Janis Joplin 57469% 57470You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 57471Why do you find that funny? 57472 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington 57473% 57474You can do very well in speculation where 57475land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. 57476% 57477You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. 57478% 57479You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right 57480and the budget is big enough. 57481 -- Joseph E. Levine 57482% 57483You can fool some of the people all of the time and all 57484of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom. 57485% 57486You can fool some of the people all of the time, 57487and all of the people some of the time, 57488but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. 57489% 57490You can fool some of the people some of the time, 57491and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient. 57492% 57493You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. 57494% 57495You can get everything in life you want, 57496if you will help enough other people get what they want. 57497% 57498You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you 57499can with just a kind word. 57500 -- Bumper Sticker 57501% 57502You can get much further with a kind word and a 57503gun than you can with a kind word alone. 57504 -- Al Capone 57505 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] 57506% 57507You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? 57508% 57509You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 57510% 57511You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend, 57512You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end. 57513 57514(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day, 57515 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way. 57516 57517You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park, 57518You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark. 57519(chorus) 57520 57521You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt, 57522You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't. 57523(chorus) 57524% 57525You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But 57526if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing 57527your dog. 57528 -- foolin' around 57529% 57530You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. 57531Don't ever count on having both at once. 57532 -- Lazarus Long 57533% 57534You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. 57535 -- Joe Valachi 57536% 57537You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 57538for instance. 57539 -- Franklin P. Jones 57540% 57541You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 57542% 57543You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on 57544the continuing viability of FORTRAN. 57545 -- Alan J. Perlis 57546% 57547You can move the world with an idea, 57548but you have to think of it first. 57549% 57550You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. 57551% 57552You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. 57553 -- Jeannette Rankin 57554% 57555You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat. 57556 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics 57557 57558What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth. 57559 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics 57560 57561You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing. 57562 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics 57563% 57564You can now buy more gates with less 57565specifications than at any other time in history. 57566 -- Kenneth Parker 57567% 57568You can observe a lot just by watching. 57569 -- Yogi Berra 57570% 57571You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. 57572% 57573You can rent this space for only $5 a week. 57574% 57575You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 57576decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 57577over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 57578 -- F. Allen 57579% 57580You can tell how far we have to go, 57581when Fortran is the language of supercomputers. 57582 -- Steven Feiner 57583% 57584You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. 57585 -- Norman Douglas 57586% 57587You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 57588% 57589You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 57590 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454, 57591 University of Washington 57592% 57593You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; 57594I've got to have thirty minutes! 57595% 57596You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 57597% 57598You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you. 57599But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. 57600 -- Nathalia Crane 57601% 57602You cannot have a science without measurement. 57603 -- R. W. Hamming 57604% 57605You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 57606% 57607You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 57608% 57609You cannot see the wood for the trees. 57610 -- John Heywood 57611% 57612You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. 57613 -- Indira Gandhi 57614% 57615You cannot use your friends and have them too. 57616% 57617You can't break eggs without making an omelet. 57618% 57619You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 57620% 57621You can't cheat an honest man, never give 57622a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. 57623 -- W. C. Fields 57624% 57625You can't cheat the phone company. 57626% 57627You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps. 57628% 57629You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up. 57630 -- Richard M. Nixon (1952) 57631% 57632You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. 57633 -- Peter Frampton 57634% 57635You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. 57636 -- H. H. Munro 57637% 57638"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time", 57639Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 57640she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have 57641children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either. 57642 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage" 57643% 57644You can't fall off the floor. 57645% 57646You can't get there from here. 57647% 57648You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. 57649% 57650You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 57651 -- Steven Wright 57652% 57653You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. 57654 -- Ayn Rand 57655% 57656You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. 57657 -- Booker T. Washington 57658% 57659You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. 57660% 57661You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 57662% 57663You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- 57664only sooner than she thought you would. 57665% 57666You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle 57667is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. 57668 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 57669% 57670You can't make a program without broken egos. 57671% 57672You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. 57673% 57674You can't play your friends like marks, kid. 57675 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting" 57676% 57677You can't push on a string. 57678% 57679You can't run away forever, 57680But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. 57681 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" 57682% 57683You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a 57684new way. 57685 -- Will Rogers 57686% 57687You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. 57688You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. 57689 -- Lauren Bacall 57690% 57691You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten. 57692 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 57693 Over and Over" 57694% 57695You can't take damsel here now. 57696% 57697You can't take it with you -- 57698especially when crossing a state line. 57699% 57700You can't teach people to be lazy -- 57701either they have it, or they don't. 57702 -- Dagwood Bumstead 57703% 57704You climb to reach the summit, but once 57705there, discover that all roads lead down. 57706 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" 57707% 57708You could get a new lease on life -- if only you 57709didn't need the first and last month in advance. 57710% 57711You could live a better life, if you 57712had a better mind and a better body. 57713% 57714You couldn't even prove the White House 57715staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. 57716 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 57717% 57718You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. 57719% 57720You dialed 5483. 57721% 57722You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. 57723% 57724You do not have mail. 57725% 57726You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. 57727% 57728You don't have to be nice to people on the way up 57729if you're not planning on coming back down. 57730 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie" 57731% 57732You don't have to explain something you never said. 57733 -- Calvin Coolidge 57734% 57735You don't have to know how the computer 57736works, just how to work the computer. 57737% 57738You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 57739 -- J. D. Salinger 57740% 57741You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. 57742 -- Guindon 57743% 57744You don't sew with a fork, so I see no 57745reason to eat with knitting needles. 57746 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 57747% 57748You enjoy the company of other people. 57749% 57750You feel a whole lot more like you do 57751now than you did when you used to. 57752% 57753You fill a much-needed gap. 57754% 57755You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. 57756The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", 57757which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears 57758tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last 57759names. Here's the complete text: 57760 57761 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 57762 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 57763 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to 57764 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF 57765 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) 57766 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way 57767 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST 57768 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" 57769 57770The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your 57771money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long 57772form. 57773 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 57774% 57775You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, 57776what might you have done for a truffled turkey? 57777 -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^ut" 57778% 57779You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. 57780% 57781You get what you pay for. 57782 -- Gabriel Biel 57783% 57784You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me 57785from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. 57786 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 57787% 57788You go down to the pickup station, 57789 craving warmth and beauty; 57790You settle for less than fascination -- 57791 a few drinks later you're not so choosy. 57792And the closing lights strip off the shadows 57793 on this strange new flesh you've found -- 57794Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf 57795 you hurry to the blackness 57796 and the blankets to lay down an impression 57797 and your loneliness. 57798 -- Joni Mitchell 57799% 57800You got to be very careful if you don't know 57801where you're going, because you might not get there. 57802 -- Yogi Berra 57803% 57804You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues, 57805And you know it don't come easy ... 57806I don't ask for much, I only want trust, 57807And you know it don't come easy ... 57808% 57809You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. 57810Now it's our turn. 57811 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas 57812% 57813You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! 57814% 57815You had mail. 57816Paul read it, so ask him what it said. 57817% 57818You had some happiness once, 57819but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind. 57820% 57821You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. 57822% 57823You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. 57824% 57825You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). 57826% 57827You have a message from the operator. 57828% 57829You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. 57830A pity that it's totally undeserved. 57831% 57832You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. 57833% 57834You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. 57835% 57836You have a strong desire for a home 57837and your family interests come first. 57838% 57839You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 57840% 57841You have a truly strong individuality. 57842% 57843You have a will that can be influenced 57844by all with whom you come in contact. 57845% 57846You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- 57847 57848This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- 57849 57850You are permanently confused. 57851 -- Dave Decot 57852% 57853You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. 57854 -- Lois Platford 57855% 57856You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: 57857a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. 57858 -- Aristophanes 57859% 57860You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. 57861% 57862You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. 57863% 57864You have an unusual equipment for success. 57865Be sure to use it properly. 57866% 57867You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to 57868metal objects which are not fastened down. 57869% 57870You have an unusual understanding of 57871the problems of human relationships. 57872% 57873You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive. 57874 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 57875% 57876You have been selected for a secret mission. 57877% 57878You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. 57879% 57880You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. 57881% 57882You have junk mail. 57883% 57884You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. 57885% 57886You have mail. 57887% 57888You have many friends and very few living enemies. 57889% 57890You have no real enemies. 57891% 57892You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. 57893 -- John Viscount Morley 57894% 57895You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married 57896and few words in your sleep to get divorced. 57897% 57898You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets 57899wrinkled. 57900% 57901You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. 57902You'll learn a lot today. 57903% 57904You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. 57905% 57906You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. 57907If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. 57908 -- Lewis Carroll, 57909 "Through the Looking-Glass, 57910 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 57911% 57912You humans are all alike. 57913% 57914You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me 57915at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very 57916simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." 57917% 57918You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! 57919 -- Dylan Thomas 57920% 57921You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? 57922 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus 57923% 57924You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. 57925 -- Superchicken 57926% 57927You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if 57928you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is, 57929and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to... 57930% 57931You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. 57932 -- Maharbal 57933% 57934You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source, 57935you people are all going to owe me big. 57936 -- Bill Paul 57937% 57938You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes 57939you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 57940% 57941You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, 57942start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. 57943 -- Dean Webber 57944% 57945You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday. 57946 -- Garfield 57947% 57948You know my heart keeps tellin' me, 57949You're not a kid at thirty-three, 57950You play around you lose your wife, 57951You play too long, you lose your life. 57952Some gotta win, some gotta lose, 57953Goodtime Charlie's got the blues. 57954% 57955You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, 57956are now extinct. 57957 -- W. Somerset Maugham 57958% 57959You know, the difference between this company and 57960the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. 57961% 57962You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens 57963anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, 57964you can always change the channel. 57965 -- Jim Ignatowski 57966% 57967You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends 57968on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that. 57969 -- Richard M. Nixon 57970% 57971You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat 57972and I had my hands about it. 57973 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen" 57974% 57975You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language 57976is revenge. 57977 -- Peter Beard 57978% 57979You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the 57980next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see 57981him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to 57982meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!" 57983 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos" 57984% 57985You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. 57986 -- E. A. Gilliam 57987% 57988You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. 57989 -- S. Rickly Christian 57990% 57991You know your apartment is small... 57992 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. 57993 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. 57994 you have to go outside to change your mind. 57995 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet. 57996% 57997You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. 57998 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 57999% 58000You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your 58001daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her 58002mother is allowed to take. 58003% 58004You know you're in a small town when... 58005 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. 58006 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local 58007 merchants because you're the first baby of the year. 58008 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't. 58009 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail. 58010 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. 58011 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. 58012% 58013You know you're in trouble when... 580141) You wake up face down on the pavement. 580152) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. 580163) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes 58017 out of the city. 580184) Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 580195) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then 58020 remember that you don't have a waterbed. 580216) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate. 58022% 58023You know you're in trouble when... 580241) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you 58025 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 580262) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party 58027 and there aren't any. 580283) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 580294) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. 580305) You wake up and your braces are locked together. 580316) Your mother approves of the person you're dating. 58032% 58033You know you're in trouble when... 58034(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind 58035 her own business. 58036(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 58037(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 58038(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. 58039(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 58040(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to 58041 flush a grapefruit down the toilet. 58042(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box. 58043% 58044You know you're in trouble when... 58045(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your 58046 skirt is caught in your pantyhose. 58047(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. 58048(3) Your income tax check bounces. 58049(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 58050(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. 58051(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day 58052 after you bought a waterbed. 58053(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk 58054 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party 58055 for your spouse. 58056% 58057You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long 58058when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to 58059make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie 58060chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. 58061% 58062You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your 58063friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. 58064% 58065You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 58066% 58067You learn to write as if to someone else 58068because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE". 58069% 58070You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. 58071% 58072You lived with a man who wore white belts? 58073Laura, I'm disappointed in you. 58074 -- Remington Steele 58075% 58076You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. 58077% 58078You look tired. 58079% 58080You love peace. 58081% 58082You love your home and want it to be beautiful. 58083% 58084You may already be a loser. 58085 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield 58086% 58087You may be gone tomorrow, but that 58088doesn't mean that you weren't here today. 58089% 58090You may be infinitely smaller than some things, 58091but you're infinitely larger than others. 58092% 58093You may be recognized soon. Hide. 58094% 58095You may be right, I may be crazy, 58096But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for? 58097 -- Billy Joel 58098% 58099You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he 58100is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. 58101 -- Sydney Harris 58102% 58103You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card 58104That a young man married is a young man marred. 58105 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys" 58106% 58107You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with 58108him. 58109 -- Edgar W. Howe 58110% 58111You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! 58112% 58113You may have heard that a dean is 58114to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 58115 -- Alfred Kahn 58116% 58117You may my glories and my state dispose, 58118But not my griefs; still am I king of those. 58119 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 58120% 58121You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but 58122you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost. 58123% 58124You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will 58125be sold. 58126% 58127You mean you didn't *know* she was off 58128making lots of little phone companies? 58129% 58130You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for 58131success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits 58132or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume 58133party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. 58134 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 58135% 58136You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the 58137obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and 58138an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. 58139 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" 58140% 58141You might have mail. 58142% 58143You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm 58144now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not 58145exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant. 58146 -- Greg Lehey 58147% 58148You must dine in our cafeteria. 58149You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! 58150% 58151You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property 58152and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods) 58153and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from 58154bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent 58155paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.), 58156cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services, 58157gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to 58158prosecution for perjury and fraud. 58159 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms 58160% 58161You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty 58162to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties 58163are merely deputies of that one. 58164 -- Nero Wolfe 58165% 58166You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 58167proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 58168% 58169You need more time; and you probably always will. 58170% 58171You need no longer worry about the future. 58172This time tomorrow you'll be dead. 58173% 58174You need not worry about your future. 58175% 58176You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a 58177reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating 58178the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for 58179independence. 58180 -- Charles A. Beard 58181% 58182You never gain something but that you lose something. 58183 -- Thoreau 58184% 58185You never get a second chance to make a first impression. 58186% 58187You never go anywhere without your soul. 58188% 58189You never have to change anything you 58190got up in the middle of the night to write. 58191 -- Saul Bellow 58192% 58193You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. 58194% 58195You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the 58196beach. 58197% 58198You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. 58199 -- William Blake 58200% 58201You never learned anything by doing it right. 58202% 58203You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone 58204got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they 58205"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented" 58206with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these 58207guys were getting stoned! 58208 -- Johnny Carson 58209% 58210You now have Asian Flu. 58211% 58212You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were 58213you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare 58214yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the 58215company. 58216 -- J. Wellington Wells 58217% 58218You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. 58219% 58220You plan things that you do not even 58221attempt because of your extreme caution. 58222% 58223You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 58224% 58225You prefer the company of the opposite 58226sex, but are well liked by your own. 58227% 58228You probably wouldn't worry about what people 58229think of you if you could know how seldom they do. 58230 -- Olin Miller 58231% 58232You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. 58233% 58234You roll my log, and I will roll yours. 58235 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 58236% 58237You say potatoe, 58238And I say potato. 58239You say tomatoe, 58240And I say tomato. 58241Potatoe, potato, 58242Tomatoe, tomato. 58243Let's go be the Vice President... 58244% 58245You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. 58246% 58247You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty 58248attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool 58249takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge 58250which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with 58251a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. 58252Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his 58253brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing 58254his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect 58255order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and 58256can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every 58257addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of 58258the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out 58259the useful ones. 58260 -- Sherlock Holmes 58261% 58262You see things; and you say "Why?" 58263But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" 58264 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" 58265 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.] 58266% 58267You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull 58268his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you 58269understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send 58270signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that 58271there is no cat. 58272 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio 58273% 58274You seek to shield those you love 58275and you like the role of the provider. 58276% 58277You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. 58278% 58279You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. 58280 -- Joseph Conrad 58281% 58282You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. 58283% 58284You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially 58285if they are dead. 58286% 58287You should go home. 58288% 58289You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except 58290incest and folk-dancing. 58291 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" 58292% 58293You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than 58294about 10^12 to 1. 58295 -- Ernest Rutherford 58296% 58297You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, 58298because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! 58299 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip 58300% 58301You should never wear your best trousers 58302when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. 58303 -- Henrik Ibsen 58304% 58305You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, 58306contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from 58307houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many 58308scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the 58309summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, 58310you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist 58311sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. 58312 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 58313% 58314You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, 58315another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and 58316another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms 58317such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In 58318many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. 58319If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you 58320should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate 58321for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it 58322because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially 58323chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. 58324 58325In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his 58326hemorrhoids. 58327 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 58328% 58329You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a 58330plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture. 58331 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia 58332% 58333You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. 58334 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" 58335% 58336You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put 58337your feet in it and swish them around a little. 58338 -- Guindon 58339% 58340You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. 58341% 58342You teach best what you most need to learn. 58343% 58344You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. 58345% 58346YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! 58347 58348Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 58349a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really 58350important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 58351 58352Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 58353to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and 58354make really big Zorkmids." 58355 58356MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 58357you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 58358 58359 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 58360% 58361You too can wear a nose mitten. 58362% 58363You tread upon my patience. 58364 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 58365% 58366You two ought to be more careful-- 58367your love could drag on for years and years. 58368% 58369You want to know why I kept getting promoted? 58370Because my mouth knows more than my brain. 58371 -- W. G. 58372% 58373You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. 58374% 58375You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. 58376% 58377You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. 58378% 58379You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 58380% 58381You will be advanced socially, 58382without any special effort on your part. 58383% 58384You will be aided greatly by a person 58385whom you thought to be unimportant. 58386% 58387You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of 58388a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. 58389% 58390You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. 58391% 58392You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. 58393% 58394You will be awarded some great honor. 58395% 58396You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. 58397% 58398You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. 58399% 58400You will be dead within a year. 58401% 58402You will be divorced within a year. 58403% 58404You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. 58405% 58406You will be held hostage by a radical group. 58407% 58408You will be honored for contributing 58409your time and skill to a worthy cause. 58410% 58411You will be imprisoned for contributing 58412your time and skill to a bank robbery. 58413% 58414You will be married within a year. 58415% 58416You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. 58417% 58418You will be misunderstood by everyone. 58419% 58420You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. 58421% 58422You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. 58423% 58424You will be run over by a beer truck. 58425% 58426You will be run over by a bus. 58427% 58428You will be singled out for promotion in your work. 58429% 58430You will be successful in love. 58431% 58432You will be surprised by a loud noise. 58433% 58434You will be surrounded by luxury. 58435% 58436You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. 58437% 58438You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. 58439% 58440You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 58441% 58442You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. 58443% 58444You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. 58445% 58446You will become rich and famous unless you don't. 58447% 58448You will contract a rare disease. 58449% 58450You will engage in a profitable business activity. 58451% 58452You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. 58453% 58454You will feel hungry again in another hour. 58455% 58456You will find me drinking gin 58457In the lowest kind of inn, 58458Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. 58459 -- G. K. Chesterton 58460% 58461You will forget that you ever knew me. 58462% 58463You will gain money by a fattening action. 58464% 58465You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. 58466% 58467You will gain money by an illegal action. 58468% 58469You will gain money by an immoral action. 58470% 58471You will get what you deserve. 58472% 58473You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. 58474% 58475You will have a head crash on your private pack. 58476% 58477You will have a long and boring life. 58478% 58479You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. 58480% 58481You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. 58482% 58483You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. 58484% 58485You will have long and healthy life. 58486% 58487You will have many recoverable tape errors. 58488% 58489You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. 58490% 58491You will inherit millions of dollars. 58492% 58493You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. 58494% 58495You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. 58496% 58497You will live to see your grandchildren. 58498% 58499You will lose an important disk file. 58500% 58501You will lose an important tape file. 58502% 58503You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door 58504mayonnaise salesman. 58505% 58506You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. 58507% 58508You will never amount to much. 58509 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10 58510% 58511You will never know hunger. 58512% 58513You will not be elected to public office this year. 58514% 58515You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. 58516% 58517You will outgrow your usefulness. 58518% 58519You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. 58520% 58521You will pass away very quickly. 58522% 58523You will pay for your sins. 58524If you have already paid, please disregard this message. 58525% 58526You will pioneer the first Martian colony. 58527% 58528You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. 58529% 58530You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. 58531% 58532You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. 58533% 58534You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. 58535% 58536You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family 58537was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into 58538the butter upon a hot day. 58539 -- Sherlock Holmes 58540% 58541You will soon forget this. 58542% 58543You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. 58544% 58545You will step on the night soil of many countries. 58546% 58547You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, 58548but only because your brakes are defective. 58549% 58550You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. 58551% 58552You will triumph over your enemy. 58553% 58554You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. 58555% 58556You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. 58557% 58558You will wish you hadn't. 58559% 58560You won't skid if you stay in a rut. 58561 -- Frank Hubbard 58562% 58563You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. 58564% 58565You worry too much about your job. 58566Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. 58567% 58568"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems 58569of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. 58570Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. 58571Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important, 58572give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less 58573momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen 58574yourself in this way." 58575 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman" 58576% 58577You would if you could but you can't so you won't. 58578% 58579You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't 58580be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway. 58581 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell 58582% 58583You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a 58584taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a 58585minute and a huff. 58586 -- Groucho Marx 58587% 58588You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. 58589 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)" 58590% 58591You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow. 58592% 58593You'll always be, 58594What you always were, 58595Which has nothing to do with, 58596All to do, with her. 58597 -- Company 58598% 58599You'll be called to a post requiring 58600ability in handling groups of people. 58601% 58602You'll be sorry... 58603% 58604You'll feel devilish tonight. 58605Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. 58606% 58607You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. 58608% 58609You'll never be the man your mother was! 58610% 58611You'll never see all the places, or read all the 58612books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. 58613% 58614You'll wish that you had done some of the 58615hard things when they were easier to do. 58616% 58617Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for 58618counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the 58619experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth 58620them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin 58621of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might 58622have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of 58623actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly 58624to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few 58625principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, 58626which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will 58627not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop 58628nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, 58629repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but 58630content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to 58631compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct 58632the defects of both. 58633 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age" 58634% 58635Young men, hear an old man to whom 58636old men hearkened when he was young. 58637 -- Augustus Caesar 58638% 58639Young men think old men are fools; 58640but old men know young men are fools. 58641 -- George Chapman 58642% 58643Your aim is high and to the right. 58644% 58645Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. 58646% 58647Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. 58648Don't believe a thing he tells you. 58649% 58650Your best consolation is the hope that the things 58651you failed to get weren't really worth having. 58652% 58653Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. 58654% 58655Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. 58656% 58657Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. 58658% 58659Your business will assume vast proportions. 58660% 58661Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. 58662% 58663Your code should be more efficient! 58664% 58665Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. 58666% 58667Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother. 58668% 58669Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you 58670from enjoying it. 58671% 58672Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts 58673 ...Here's How You Can Tell 58674Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you 58675can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They 58676listed 10 signs to watch for: 58677 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand 58678 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell 58679 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. 58680 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction 58681 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. 58682 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't 58683 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." 58684 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain 58685 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when 58686 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. 58687The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not 58688all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. 58689 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984 58690 58691 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.] 58692% 58693Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. 58694% 58695Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, 58696dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being 58697attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last 58698minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the 58699Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the 58700medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 5870125 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in 58702seconds if we felt like it. 58703 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead" 58704% 58705Your domestic life may be harmonious. 58706% 58707Your education begins where what is called your education is over. 58708% 58709Your fault - core dumped 58710% 58711Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. 58712EOF 58713% 58714Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). 58715% 58716YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 58717 by Miss Fortune 58718 58719AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) 58720 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what 58721type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer! 58722Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in 58723California Halloween is redundant anyhow. 58724 58725PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) 58726 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are 58727fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your 58728bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when 58729other discover your good qualities without your help. 58730% 58731YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 58732 by Miss Fortune 58733 58734ARIES (March 21 - April 19) 58735 Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be 58736sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly" 58737and you will live all the days of your life. 58738 58739TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) 58740 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself 58741in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite 58742brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply 58743miss two car payments. 58744 58745GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) 58746 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in 58747common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand 58748at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens. 58749Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until 58750you meet in court. 58751% 58752YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 58753 by Miss Fortune 58754 58755CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22) 58756 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel 58757you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get 58758in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going 58759to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing? 58760 58761LEO (July 23 - August 22) 58762 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh 58763heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have 58764in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to 58765shop. 58766 58767VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) 58768 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are 58769affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job 58770is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a 58771career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more 58772than people who work standing up. 58773% 58774Your friends will know you better in the first minute you 58775meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. 58776 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 58777% 58778Your goose is cooked. 58779(Your current chick is burned up too!) 58780% 58781Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. 58782% 58783Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. 58784% 58785Your ignorance cramps my conversation. 58786% 58787Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 58788% 58789Your love life will be happy and harmonious. 58790% 58791Your love life will be... interesting. 58792% 58793Your lover will never wish to leave you. 58794% 58795Your lucky color has faded. 58796% 58797Your lucky number has been disconnected. 58798% 58799Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. 58800Watch for it everywhere. 58801% 58802Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not 58803original and the part that is original is not good. 58804 -- Samuel Johnson 58805% 58806Your mind is the part of you that says, 58807 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?" 58808... and then, twenty minutes later, says, 58809 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!" 58810 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine 58811% 58812Your mind understands what you have been 58813taught; your heart, what is true. 58814% 58815Your mode of life will be changed for 58816the better because of good news soon. 58817% 58818Your mode of life will be changed for 58819the better because of new developments. 58820% 58821Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII. 58822% 58823Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC. 58824% 58825Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder 58826Face like ice, a little bit colder 58827She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules 58828You learned in school" 58829But I don't really see 58830Why can't we go on as three? 58831 -- David Crosby, "Triad" 58832% 58833Your motives for doing whatever good deed you 58834may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody. 58835% 58836Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. 58837% 58838Your object is to save the world, 58839while still leading a pleasant life. 58840% 58841Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being 58842true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the 58843mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. 58844Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What 58845are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers 58846change. 58847 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 58848% 58849Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. 58850% 58851Your password is pitifully obvious. 58852% 58853Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. 58854% 58855Your present plans will be successful. 58856% 58857Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. 58858% 58859Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. 58860% 58861Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You 58862need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion 58863picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use 58864the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified 58865success. 58866 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 58867% 58868Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. 58869% 58870Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. 58871% 58872Your step will soil many countries. 58873% 58874Your supervisor is thinking about you. 58875% 58876Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. 58877% 58878Your temporary financial embarrassment will 58879be relieved in a surprising manner. 58880% 58881Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 58882% 58883Your wig steers the gig. 58884 -- Lord Buckley 58885% 58886Your wise men don't know how it feels 58887To be thick as a brick. 58888 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick" 58889% 58890Your worship is your furnaces 58891which, like old idols, lost obscenes, 58892have molten bowels; your vision is 58893machines for making more machines. 58894 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874 58895% 58896You're a card which will have to be dealt with. 58897% 58898You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. 58899 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler 58900 58901Ah, yes. I remember my first beer. 58902 -- Steve Martin to a heckler 58903 58904When your IQ rises to 28, sell. 58905 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler 58906% 58907You're all clear now, kid. 58908Now blow this thing so we can all go home. 58909 -- Han Solo 58910% 58911You're almost as happy as you think you are. 58912% 58913You're already carrying the sphere! 58914% 58915You're always thinking you're gonna be 58916the one that makes 'em act different. 58917 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" 58918% 58919You're at the end of the road again. 58920% 58921You're at Witt's End. 58922% 58923You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 58924% 58925You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." 58926% 58927You're definitely on their list. 58928The question to ask next is what list it is. 58929% 58930You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. 58931 -- Eldridge Cleaver 58932% 58933You're growing out of some of your problems, 58934but there are others that you're growing into. 58935% 58936You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... 58937except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus. 58938 -- Swamp Thing 58939% 58940You're never too old to become younger. 58941 -- Mae West 58942% 58943You're not Dave. Who are you? 58944% 58945You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 58946 -- Dean Martin 58947% 58948You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! 58949% 58950You're reasoning is excellent -- it's 58951only your basic assumptions that are wrong. 58952% 58953You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. 58954% 58955You're using a keyboard! How quaint! 58956% 58957You're working under a slight handicap. 58958You happen to be human. 58959% 58960Yours is not to reason why, 58961Just to Sail Away. 58962And when you find you have to throw 58963Your Legacy away; 58964Remember life as was it is, 58965And is as it were; 58966Chasing sounds across the galaxy 58967'Till silence is but a blur. 58968 -- QYX 58969% 58970Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. 58971% 58972Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of 58973courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. 58974 -- Robert F. Kennedy 58975% 58976Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. 58977% 58978Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. 58979 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby" 58980% 58981Youth is a disease from which we all recover. 58982 -- Dorothy Fuldheim 58983% 58984Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. 58985 -- George Bernard Shaw 58986% 58987Youth is the trustee of posterity. 58988% 58989Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is 58990when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. 58991% 58992You've always made the mistake of being yourself. 58993 -- Eugene Ionesco 58994% 58995You've been Berkeley'ed! 58996% 58997You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 58998% 58999You've been telling me to relax all the way here, 59000and now you're telling me just to be myself? 59001 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven 59002% 59003You've decked the halls with a dozen miles' length of electric lights. 59004Your front lawn is a gleaming testament of incandescent wonder. The neighbors 59005wear sunglasses 24/7, and orbiting satellites have officially picked up 59006and pinpointed your house as the brightest spot on earth. 59007 59008You've finally put together the Christmas wonderland of your dreams... now 59009if only you could get a good picture of it. 59010 59011Photographing holiday lights is no easy task. 59012 -- from an email sent by photojojo.com 59013% 59014You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks. 59015 -- Gary Giddens 59016% 59017You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. 59018% 59019You've got to think about tomorrow! 59020 59021TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_y_e_s_t_e_r_d_a_y* yet! 59022% 59023YO-YO: 59024 Something that is occasionally up but normally down. 59025 (see also Computer). 59026% 59027Zall's Laws: 59028 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do 59029 will be wrong. 59030 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom 59031 door you're on. 59032% 59033Zeal, n.: 59034 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. 59035% 59036Zero Defects, n.: 59037 The result of shutting down a production line. 59038% 59039Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! 59040 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" 59041% 59042Zeus gave Leda the bird. 59043% 59044Zisla's Law: 59045 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. 59046% 59047Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words 59048since I first call'd my brother's father dad. 59049 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 59050% 59051Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 59052 People are always available for work in the past tense. 59053% 59054