3
4%
5=======================================================================
6|| ||
7|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
8|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
9|| ||
10=======================================================================
11 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
12 "Fortune Cookie"
13 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
14 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
15 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
16 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
17 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
18 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
19 Read the Warner paperback!
20 Invoke the Unix program!
21 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
22 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
23 centers.
24%
25 PLAYGIRL, Inc.
26 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
27Dear Sir:
28 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
29inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
30a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
31ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
32age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
33long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
34ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
35in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
36us.
37 Sympathetically,
38 Amanda L. Smith
39
40p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
41 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
42%
43 FROM THE DESK OF
44 Dorothy Gale
45
46 Auntie Em:
47 Hate you.
48 Hate Kansas.
49 Taking the dog.
50 Dorothy
51%
52 FROM THE DESK OF
53 Rapunzel
54
55Dear Prince:
56
57 Use ladder tonight --
58 you're splitting my ends.
59%
60 SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT
61
62Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
63Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
64
65 ABSTRACT
66 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
67the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
68of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
69of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
70bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
71pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
72there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
73to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
74functions.
75 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
76This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
77 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
78%
79 UNIX Trix
80
81For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
82save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
83next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
84to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
85forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
86the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
87either. If you need some help, give us a call.
88
89 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
90%
91 -- Gifts for Children --
92
93This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
94because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
95and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
96morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
97exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
98your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
99Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
100might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
101me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
102who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
103 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
104%
105 -- Gifts for Men --
106
107Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
108ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
109should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
110clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
111example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
112three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
113that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
114at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
115So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
116years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
117pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
118
119If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
120than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
121of tires.
122 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
123%
124 Chapter 1
125
126The story so far:
127
128 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
129of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
130 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
131%
132 DELETE A FORTUNE!
133
134Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
135to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
136"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
137gets expunged.
138%
139 Get GUMMed
140 --- ------
141The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
1421, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
143the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
144each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
145chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
146nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
147days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
148seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
149friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
150Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
151"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
152Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
153all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
154could tell them.
155 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
156%
157 It's grad exam time...
158COMPUTER SCIENCE
159 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
160system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
161this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
162bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
163new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
164
165MATHEMATICS
166 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
167it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
168length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
169
170GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
171Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
172%
173 It's grad exam time...
174MEDICINE
175 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
176bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
177been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
178
179HISTORY
180 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
181day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
182economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
183Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
184
185BIOLOGY
186 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
187if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
188special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
189%
190 Pittsburgh driver's test
19110: Potholes are
192 a) extremely dangerous.
193 b) patriotic.
194 c) the fault of the previous administration.
195 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
196The correct answer is b.
197Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
198are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
199you have nothing to worry about.
200%
201 Pittsburgh driver's test
2022: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
203 a) stop immediately.
204 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
205 c) blow the horn.
206 d) floor it.
207The correct answer is d.
208If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
209%
210 Pittsburgh driver's test
2113: When stopped at an intersection you should
212 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
213 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
214 c) blow the horn.
215 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
216The correct answer is d.
217You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
218street turns yellow.
219Answer c is worth a half point.
220%
221 Pittsburgh driver's test
2224: Exhaust gas is
223 a) beneficial.
224 b) not harmful.
225 c) toxic.
226 d) a punk band.
227The correct answer is b.
228The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
229are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
230you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
231%
232 Pittsburgh driver's test
2335: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
234 How often should you test it?
235 a) once a year.
236 b) once a month.
237 c) once a day.
238 d) once an hour.
239The correct answer is d.
240You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
241and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
242%
243 Pittsburgh driver's test
2447: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
245 but a steady left tail light. This means
246 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
247 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
248 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
249 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
250 d) The driver is from out of town.
251The correct answer is d.
252Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
253%
254 Pittsburgh driver's test
2558: Pedestrians are
256 a) irrelevant.
257 b) communists.
258 c) a nuisance.
259 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
260The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
261are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
262completely.
263%
264 Pittsburgh driver's test
2659: Roads are salted in order to
266 a) kill grass.
267 b) melt snow.
268 c) help the economy.
269 d) prevent potholes.
270The correct answer is c.
271Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
272indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
273salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
274steel industries.
275%
276 Has your family tried 'em?
277
278 POWDERMILK BISCUITS
279
280 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
281
282 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
283 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
284
285 POWDERMILK BISCUITS
286
287 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
288 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
289 stains that indicate freshness.
290%
291 THE STORY OF CREATION
292 or
293 THE MYTH OF URK
294
295In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
296and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
297was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
298registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
299and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
300Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
301and there was morning, one interrupt ...
302 -- Rico Tudor
303%
304 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
305 by Mark Isaak
306
307 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
308character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
309hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
310are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
311BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
312to him.
313 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
314he met the traveling salesman.
315 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
316in high-level language.
317 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
318and Apples," commented Jack.
319 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
320there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
321 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
322he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
323started thrashing.
324 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
325kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
326window ...
327%
328 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
329
330(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
331(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
332(3) I don't know.
333(4) Who cares?
334(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
335 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
336(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
337 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
338 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
339 Papyrus Books).
340%
341 DETERIORATA
342
343Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
344And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
345Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
346Rotate your tires.
347Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
348And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
349Know what to kiss -- and when.
350Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
351But that three do.
352Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
353Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
354And despite the changing fortunes of time,
355There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
356
357 You are a fluke of the universe ...
358 You have no right to be here.
359 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
360 Is laughing behind your back.
361 -- National Lampoon
362%
363 Double Bucky
364 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
365
366Double bucky, you're the one!
367You make my keyboard lots of fun
368 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
369(Vo-vo-de-o!)
370Control and Meta side by side,
371Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
372 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
373
374Double bucky, left and right
375OR'd together, outta sight!
376 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
377 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
378 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
379
380 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
381%
382 Gimmie That Old Time Religion
383We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
384Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
385I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
386And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
387 (chorus) (chorus)
388
389In the church of Aphrodite,
390The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
391She's a mighty righteous sightie,
392And she's good enough for me!
393 (chorus)
394
395CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
396 Give me that old time religion,
397 Give me that old time religion,
398 'Cause it's good enough for me!
399%
400 Hard Copies and Chmod
401
402And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
403cold diskdrives hardware monitors
404user-hostile software
405
406of course they're only bits and bytes
407and characters and strings
408and files
409
410just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
411telling me he loves me and
412he'll take care of me
413
414simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
415deep intimate secrets and
416how he doesn't trust me
417
418couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
419on personal stationery
420 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
421%
422 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
423Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
424margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
425will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
426
427 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
428neither has street credibility.
429 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
430on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
431city.
432 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
433into a black hole.
434 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
435ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
436 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
437 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
438up of western dualism?
439 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
440%
441 OUTCONERR
442Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
443 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
444All kludgy were the function flows
445 And subroutines adhoc.
446
447Beware the runtime-bug my friend
448 squrooneg, the false goto
449Beware the infiniteloop
450 And shun the inprectoo.
451%
452 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
4531. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
454 nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
4552. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
456 when you hit the ground.
4573. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4584. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
459 to psychological problems.
4605. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
461 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
462 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
4636. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
464 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
4657. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
4668. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
467 staggering illegally.
4689. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
469 sanitary due to limited circulation.
47010. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
471 supply on D-Day.
472%
473 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
474The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
475in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
476Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
477fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
478Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
479target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
480If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
481computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
482through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
483to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
484for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
485take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
486into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
487computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
488they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
489Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
490a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
491 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
492%
493 The Split-Atom Blues
494Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
495 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
496But if you split those atoms fine,
497 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
498Gimme zits, take my dough,
499 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
500Call the devil and sell my soul,
501 But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
502 -- Milo Bloom
503%
504 The STAR WARS Song
505 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
506
507I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
508Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
509 S-O-D-A soda
510I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
511I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
512 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
513
514Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
515A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
516 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
517Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
518How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
519 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
520%
521 The Three Major Kind of Tools
522
523* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
524 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
525 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
526 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
527
528* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
529
530* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
531 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
532 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
533 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
534 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
535%
536 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
537Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
538Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
539And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
540Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
541Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
542And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
543And we've also found Just flip one switch
544When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
545You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
546 in a flash.
547Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
548Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
549And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
550%
551 'Twas the Night before Crisis
552
553'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
554 Not a program was working not even a browse.
555The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
556 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
557The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
558 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
559When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
560 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
561And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
562 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
563More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
564 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
565On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
566 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
567His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
568 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
569A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
570 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
571%
572 What I Did During My Fall Semester
573On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
574Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
575Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
576
577On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
578Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
579Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
580
581On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
582Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
583I found a thesis topic:
584 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
585 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
586 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
587%
588 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
589
590Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
591be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
592agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
593out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
594of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
595not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
596conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
597sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
598close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
599words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
600must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
601linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
602metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
603be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
604writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
605the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
606viable alternatives.
607%
608 1/2
609 /\(3)
610 | 2 1/3
611 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
612 |
613 \/ 1
614
615The integral of z squared, dz
616From 1 to the square root of 3
617 Times the cosine
618 Of 3 PI over nine
619Is the log of the cube root of e
620%
621 THE DAILY PLANET
622
623 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
624 Plans to "Eat it later"
625%
626 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
627
628Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
629terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
630the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
631School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
632They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
633With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
634and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
635in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
636computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
637you should blame when you make a mistake.
638
639 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
640 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
641 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
642
643*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
644%
645 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
646 by Mark Twain
647
648 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
649to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
650be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
651would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
652might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
653same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
654"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
655 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
656with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
657or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
658Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
659ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
660ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
661 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
662hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
663%
664 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
665Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
666terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
667the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
668School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
669
670 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
671Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
672help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
673enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
674
675 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
676To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
677try this simple test:
678 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
679 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
680 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
681 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
682If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
683them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
684%
685 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
686
687Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
688programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
689form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
690winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
691sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
692Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
693program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
694was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
695his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
696have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
697in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
698be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
699can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
700yourself in the morning.
701%
702
703 *** System shutdown message from root ***
704
705System going down in 60 seconds
706
707
708%
709 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
710personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
711best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
712Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
713soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
714reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
715table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
716not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
717crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
718beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
719wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
720Liza Minnelli.
721 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
722%
723 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
724%
725 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
726 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
727 7
728
729A dozen, a gross and a score,
730Plus three times the square root of four,
731 Divided by seven,
732 Plus five times eleven,
733Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
734%
735 7,140 pounds on the Sun
736 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
737 255 pounds on Earth
738 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
739 43 pounds on the Moon
740 648 pounds on Jupiter
741 275 pounds on Saturn
742 303 pounds on Neptune
743 13 pounds on Pluto
744
745 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
746 in the solar system.
747%
748 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
749the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
750the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
751another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
752and forth.
753 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
754of carp-to-carp walleting."
755%
756 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
757the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
758missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
759his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
760work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
761flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
762 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
763events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
764dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
765"Have you seen my parakeet?"
766%
767 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
768a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
769foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
770have what I think is a pretty good act."
771 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
772the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
773Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
774his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
775man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
776performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
777from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
778the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
779 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
780 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
781imitations?"
782%
783 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
784long-distance caw.
785%
786 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
787his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
788the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
789 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
790toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
791%
792 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
793whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
794got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
795medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
796rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
797 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
798itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
799and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
800 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
801commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
802%
803 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
804house of seven gobbles.
805%
806 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
807buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
808the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
809boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
810the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
811the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
812they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
813 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
814farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
815frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
816in the mud.
817 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
818don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
819today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
820 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
821 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
822the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
823%
824 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
825her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
826looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
827sadly, "runneth over."
828%
829 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
830After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
831one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
832the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
833 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
834 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
835%
836 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
837island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
838could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
839were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
840the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
841the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
842downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
843charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
844men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
845Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
846blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
847only blurt out, "What happened?"
848 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
849ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
850grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
851hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
852the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
853to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
854%
855 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
856dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
857brother and inquires after his pet.
858 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
859 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
860he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
861of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
862outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
863corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
864 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
865 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
866How's Mom?"
867 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
868outside one day..."
869%
870 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
871I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
872 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
873be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
874 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
875dog's stuck in its throat."
876%
877 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
878finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
879the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
880%
881 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
882days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
883%
884 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
885 The housewife replied, "Four!".
886 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
887through my spread sheet one more time."
888 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
889hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
890%
891 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
892made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
893would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
894lawyer.
895 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
896state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
897I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
898 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
899 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
900and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
901%
902 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
903the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
904 The bartender ignores him.
905 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
906 Still ignored.
907 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
908 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
909leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
910 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
911jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
912saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
913"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
914%
915 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
916to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
917 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
918and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
919French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
920and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
921German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
922 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
923told, "that one is 150,000."
924 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
925 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
926do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
927 -- being told in Poland, 1987
928%
929 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
930Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
931wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
932 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
933pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
934disciples."
935 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
936%
937 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
938first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
939 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
940and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
941 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
942 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
943little more ... that's it."
944 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
945 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
946go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
947 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
948street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
949 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
950 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
951 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
952%
953 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
954shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
955that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
956soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
957 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
958agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
959Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
960-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
961knife!
962 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
963afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
964he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
965for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
966help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
967 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
968 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
969won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
970%
971 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
972during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
973was making a bolt for the door.
974%
975 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
976terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
977Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
978homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
979got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
980who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
981 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
982something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
983 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
984%
985 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
986"Do you serve lawyers here?".
987 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
988 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
989my 'gator."
990%
991 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
992wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
993%
994 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
995%
996 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
997program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
998promptly replied.
999 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
1000how long will it take?"
1001 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
1002to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
1003 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
1004satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
1005 The programmer agreed to this.
1006 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
1007retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
1008He had been programming all night.
1009 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1010%
1011 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
1012invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
1013manager retained his job.
1014 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
1015refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
1016concept, and thus I expect no reward."
1017 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
1018holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
1019employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
1020 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
1021so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
1022everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
1023 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1024%
1025 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
1026document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
1027it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
1028 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
1029 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
1030take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
1031 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
1032 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
1033 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
1034completed," he said.
1035 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1036%
1037 A manger went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
1038work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
1039at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
1040resigned on the spot.
1041 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
1042working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
1043programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
1044hours of the morning.
1045 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1046%
1047 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
1048noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
1049he said, "may I examine it?"
1050 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
1051"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
1052and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
1053where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
1054human."
1055 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
1056mysterious setting?"
1057 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
1058And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
1059 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1060%
1061 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
1062"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
1063said the master.
1064 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
1065 "It is," came the reply.
1066 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
1067 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
1068 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
1069 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
1070over for today," he said.
1071 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1072%
1073 A MODERN FABLE
1074
1075Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
1076far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
1077with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
1078today's minute attention span.
1079
1080 The Troubled Aardvark
1081
1082Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
1083driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
1084in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
1085unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
1086children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
1087his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
1088pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
1089personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
1090wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
1091course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
1092drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
1093
1094MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
1095 -- Tom Annau
1096%
1097 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
1098new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
1099%
1100 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
1101the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
1102pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
1103nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
1104 "If what?" asked the composer.
1105 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
1106%
1107 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
1108removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
1109doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
1110amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
1111limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
1112larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
1113power-down sequence.
1114 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
1115building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
1116bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
1117cool.
1118%
1119 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
1120documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
1121the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
1122 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
1123gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
1124crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
1125need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
1126has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
1127themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
1128entered the mystery of the Tao."
1129 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1130%
1131 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
1132sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
1133baffled. What is the reason for this?"
1134 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
1135the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
1136do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
1137simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
1138 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
1139Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
1140 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
1141novice.
1142 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
1143 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1144%
1145 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
1146much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
1147among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
1148Why is this so?"
1149 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
1150company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
1151would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
1152servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
1153of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
1154 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1155%
1156 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
1157that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
1158vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
1159'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
1160names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
1161unnatural entity exist?"
1162 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
1163disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
1164its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
1165beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
1166 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1167%
1168 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
1169package.
1170 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
1171reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
1172of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
1173but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
1174 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
1175"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
1176 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1177%
1178 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
1179power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
1180"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
1181of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
1182machine worked.
1183%
1184 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
1185in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
1186noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
1187 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
1188party. He walked out into the night.
1189 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
1190be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
1191too.
1192 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
1193to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
1194save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
1195the wolf pack.
1196 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
1197He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
1198has killed them all.
1199 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
1200went out to be killed?
1201 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1202He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1203%
1204 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
1205two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
1206I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
1207 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
1208he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
1209%
1210 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1211strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1212throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1213loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1214rigidity.
1215 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
1216law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1217way that astonishes him least.
1218 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1219program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1220appearances.
1221 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1222disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1223program.
1224 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1225%
1226 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1227conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1228of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1229unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1230clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they
1231made rude noises during my presentation."
1232 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1233Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1234an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1235Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1236with social conventions?"
1237 "They are alive within the Tao."
1238 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1239%
1240 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1241carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1242doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1243 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1244which contained twelve more loons.
1245 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1246 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1247 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1248 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1249%
1250 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1251recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1252his wellness potential."
1253
1254 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1255of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1256
1257 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1258personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1259
1260 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1261mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1262
1263 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1264of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1265only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1266of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1267unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1268touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1269experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1270pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1271sent him.
1272 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1273%
1274 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1275"This is a parson to parson call."
1276 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1277Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1278 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1279deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1280 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1281often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1282 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1283caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1284 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1285granite.
1286%
1287 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1288As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1289eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1290under the kilt?"
1291 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1292SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1293really want to know.
1294 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1295under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1296%
1297 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1298realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1299see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1300group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1301that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1302it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1303 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1304work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1305Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1306dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1307another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1308the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1309requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1310going to it is so large.
1311 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1312electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1313British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1314British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1315I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1316secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1317 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1318%
1319 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1320Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1321 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1322friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1323had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1324and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1325 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1326from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1327Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1328%
1329 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1330%
1331 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
1332to die, would you remarry?"
1333 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
1334this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
1335 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
1336 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
1337 "Well, would you live in this house?"
1338 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
1339I've always loved it here."
1340 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
1341 "No."
1342 "Why not?"
1343 "She's left handed."
1344%
1345 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1346to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1347sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1348"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1349Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1350 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1351 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1352a snake?"
1353 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1354am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1355suck the poison from the wound."
1356 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1357a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1358 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1359who my real friends are."
1360%
1361 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1362and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1363child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1364therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1365to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1366the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1367his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1368 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1369after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1370 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1371%
1372 ACHTUNG!!!
1373Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1374schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1375spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1376rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1377vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1378%
1379 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
1380Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
1381and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
1382to be created."
1383 "This is true," He replied.
1384 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
1385 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
1386right to make his laws?"
1387 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
1388make his own."
1389 It was so granted.
1390 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1391%
1392 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1393directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1394Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1395edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1396 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1397wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1398 -- DECWARS
1399%
1400 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1401 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1402would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1403favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1404camp chores.
1405 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1406 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1407discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1408children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1409Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1410ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1411 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1412Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1413interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1414a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1415cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1416 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1417 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1418 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1419realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1420 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1421 Feghoot!"
1422%
1423 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1424earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1425minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1426 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1427name for my baby."
1428 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1429of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1430 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1431name."
1432%
1433 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
1434how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
1435graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
1436These are the things I learned:
1437 Share everything.
1438 Play fair.
1439 Don't hit people.
1440 Put things back where you found them.
1441 Clean up your own mess.
1442 Don't take things that aren't yours.
1443 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
1444 Wash your hands before you eat.
1445 Flush.
1446 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
1447 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and
1448paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
1449 Take a nap every afternoon.
1450 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands,
1451and stick together.
1452 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
1453cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows
1454how or why, but we are all like that.
1455 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
1456the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we.
1457 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you
1458learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
1459 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden
1460Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality
1461and sane living.
1462 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the
1463whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
1464and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments
1465had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them
1466and to clean up their own mess.
1467 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go
1468out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
1469 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know
1470 I Learned in Kindergarten"
1471%
1472 All that you touch, And all you create,
1473 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1474 All that you taste, All that you do,
1475 All you feel, And all you say,
1476 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1477 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1478 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1479 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1480 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1481 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1482 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1483 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1484 in tune,
1485 But the sun is eclipsed
1486 By the moon.
1487
1488There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1489 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1490%
1491 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1492with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1493years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1494or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1495wife. They approve.
1496 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1497want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1498thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1499the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1500 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1501to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1502up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1503Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1504perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1505impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1506the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1507screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1508%
1509 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
1510he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
1511restraint.
1512 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
1513after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
1514time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
1515with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
1516is ready to build a second system.
1517 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
1518he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
1519other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
1520will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
1521generalizable.
1522 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
1523the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
1524The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1525 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
1526%
1527 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1528porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1529picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1530tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1531 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1532beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1533voluptuous woman.
1534 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1535for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1536stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1537 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1538 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1539faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1540handsome prince!"
1541 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1542handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1543 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1544the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1545fixed?"
1546%
1547 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1548is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1549announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1550 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1551all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1552piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1553 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1554"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1555outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1556this head and pulls the trigger.
1557 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1558again?"
1559 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1560 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1561%
1562 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1563The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1564to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1565used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1566woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1567and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1568over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1569and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1570 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1571while plunging the knife into his heart.
1572 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1573"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1574 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1575while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1576%
1577 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1578in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1579 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1580you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1581an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1582hour seems like a minute."
1583 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1584moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1585 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1586%
1587 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1588great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1589I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1590I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1591I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1592 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1593 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1594%
1595 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
1596bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
1597to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
1598upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
1599breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
1600 (skip a bit brother...)
1601 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
1602take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
1603Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
1604shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
1605that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
1606three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
1607Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
1608snuff it.
1609 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
1610%
1611 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1612asked the father of his little son.
1613 "Diet."
1614%
1615 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1616to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1617posh hotel.
1618 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1619 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1620 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1621a postcard?"
1622%
1623 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1624 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nightime."
1625 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1626 "That was the curious incident."
1627 -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1628%
1629 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1630preaching to a group of disciples.
1631 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1632the absolute reality of --"
1633 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1634 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1635vaporized.
1636 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1637with the spirit of the morning.
1638 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1639"Thou art That..."
1640 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1641 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1642and he vaporized.
1643 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1644enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1645soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1646 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1647 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1648Governor, and he vaporized.
1649 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1650his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1651%
1652 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1653for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1654am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1655you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1656friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1657 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1658for doing it."
1659 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1660%
1661 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
1662Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1663under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1664%
1665Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
1666to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
1667
1668 -- M�rten Mickos
1669%
1670 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1671 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
1672his followers.
1673 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1674there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1675 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1676commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1677Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1678 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1679Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1680 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1681 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1682 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1683%
1684 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1685and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1686boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1687look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1688 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1689teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1690the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1691 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1692Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1693what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1694clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1695get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1696You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1697 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1698pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1699 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1700%
1701 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1702the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1703still five feet between rails.
1704 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1705in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1706of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1707axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1708could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1709great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1710rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1711new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1712over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1713was possible.
1714 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1715%
1716 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1717along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1718Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1719 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1720would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1721 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1722to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1723 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1724I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1725 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1726whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1727 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1728it some other time, Carrie."
1729 She gave it up.
1730 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1731%
1732 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1733the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1734"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1735%
1736 Chapter VIII
1737Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1738Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1739like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1740%
1741 COMMENT
1742
1743Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
1744A medley of extemporanea;
1745And love is thing that can never go wrong;
1746And I am Marie of Roumania.
1747 -- Dorothy Parker
1748%
1749 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1750in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1751owls."
1752 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1753%
1754 COONDOG MEMORY
1755 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1756
1757Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1758old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1759For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1760is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1761try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1762two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1763back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1764come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1765run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1766something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1767up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1768neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1769stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1770coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1771skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1772Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1773was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1774air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1775Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1776is for sale.
1777 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1778%
1779 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1780functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1781the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1782 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1783diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1784square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1785date of purchase.
1786 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1787DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1788ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1789CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1790 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1791%
1792 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1793
1794 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1795 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1796 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1797 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1798 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1799 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1800 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1801 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1802 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1803 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1804%
1805 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
1806be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
1807%
1808 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
1809married?"
1810 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
1811I've always been especially fond of married women."
1812%
1813 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1814 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1815 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1816 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1817
1818 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1819 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1820 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1821 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1822 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1823%
1824 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1825white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1826
1827Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1828
1829p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
1830 Or is Vaseline better?
1831%
1832 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1833sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1834 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1835They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1836intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1837They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1838used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1839bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1840They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1841They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1842 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1843%
1844 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1845at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1846"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1847experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1848 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1849to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1850thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1851march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1852sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1853The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1854human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1855sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1856all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1857knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1858my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1859characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1860The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1861`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1862 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1863%
1864 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1865him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1866 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1867She's a woman who conks to stupor.
1868 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1869man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1870 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1871 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1872bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1873%
1874 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
1875were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
1876red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
1877"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
1878 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
1879shot at mine, over there."
1880%
1881 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
1882called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
1883have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
1884most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
1885time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
1886have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
1887although God alone knows why it would want to.
1888 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
1889direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
1890have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
1891direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
1892harmful electron buildup in the wires.
1893 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1894%
1895 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1896At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1897after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1898"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1899charming a wife."
1900%
1901 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1902far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1903the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1904 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1905days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1906 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1907speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
1908 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
1909and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
1910sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
1911 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
1912be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
1913than I am.
1914 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
1915that she didn't recognize me.
1916 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
1917this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
1918they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
1919 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
1920%
1921 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
1922mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
1923"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
1924how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
1925"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
1926So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
1927 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1928%
1929 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
1930humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
1931rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
1932seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
1933The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
1934 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
1935aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
1936but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
1937 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
1938message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
1939but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
1940energy policy and neither do you."
1941 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
1942%
1943 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
1944other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
1945the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
1946d'oeuvres.
1947 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
1948to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
1949Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
1950piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
1951 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
1952inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
1953other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
1954placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
1955the little hammers strike.
1956 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
1957their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
1958Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
1959
1960 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
1961you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
19624. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
1963%
1964 FIGHTING WORDS
1965
1966Say my love is easy had,
1967 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
1968Say I am too often sad --
1969 Still behold me at your side.
1970
1971Say I'm neither brave nor young,
1972 Say I woo and coddle care,
1973Say the devil touched my tongue --
1974 Still you have my heart to wear.
1975
1976But say my verses do not scan,
1977 And I get me another man!
1978 -- Dorothy Parker
1979%
1980 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
1981of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
1982
1983 "Whose?"
1984
1985 "MINE! HA-HA!"
1986%
1987 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
1988"of course you know what 'it' means."
1989
1990 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
1991said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
1992
1993The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
1994%
1995 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
1996usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
1997evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
1998such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
1999 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
2000and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
2001fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
2002 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
2003in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
2004professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
2005nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
2006 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
2007remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
2008the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
2009thoughts?"
2010 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
2011%
2012 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
2013"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
2014 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
2015stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts
2016that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
2017 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
2018time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
2019had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
2020teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
2021 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
2022his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
2023 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
2024little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
2025save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
2026%
2027 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
2028engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
2029was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
2030and sarcastic?"
2031 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
2032 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
2033%
2034 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
2035extracurricular activity except you."
2036 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
2037 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
2038
2039 -- Firesign Theater
2040%
2041 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
2042to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
2043beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
2044dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
2045apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
2046in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
2047%
2048 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
2049differences once and for all.
2050 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
2051where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
2052%
2053 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
2054 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
2055to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
2056 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
2057text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
2058 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
2059the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
2060expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
2061 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
2062perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
2063denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
2064
2065 Thank you and good luck.
2066 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
2067%
2068 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
2069
2070On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
2071Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
2072off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
2073wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
2074mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
2075tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
2076stood lookout.
2077%
2078 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
2079may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
2080Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
2081even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
2082aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
2083 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
2084for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
2085Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
2086hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
2087 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
2088bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
2089for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
2090proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
2091about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
2092 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
2093them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
2094you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
2095-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
2096Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
2097 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
2098can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
2099line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
2100to stay employed.
2101 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
2102%
2103 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
2104his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
2105verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
2106thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
2107had actually implicationed.
2108 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
2109leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
2110since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
2111 -- The Guardian
2112%
2113 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
2114are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
2115and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
2116to conquer the world.
2117 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
2118hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
2119lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
2120not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
2121for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
2122 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
2123 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2124%
2125 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
2126from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
2127 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
2128promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
2129nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
2130 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
2131you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
2132right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
2133the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
2134find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
2135the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
2136%
2137 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
2138No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
2139been worse."
2140 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
2141situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
2142hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
2143"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
2144found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
2145the gun on himself!"
2146 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
2147 "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
2148have been worse?"
2149 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
2150dead right now."
2151%
2152 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
2153until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
2154heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
2155ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
2156rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
2157felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
2158doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
2159"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
2160right now."
2161 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
2162out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
2163%
2164 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
2165does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
2166combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
2167self-propagating.
2168 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
2169%
2170 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without
2171lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light
2172without darkening me.
2173 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas.
2174%
2175 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
2176 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
2177 "Do it alone?"
2178 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
2179 "How would that help?"
2180 "Used a whip."
2181%
2182 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
2183 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
2184 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
2185 "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
2186 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
2187 "Oh, it's not dead then."
2188 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
2189goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
2190on the safe side."
2191 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
2192to a dead cat, do you?"
2193 -- Monty Python
2194%
2195 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
2196with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
2197Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
2198define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
2199court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
2200Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
2201it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
2202his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
2203enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
2204ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
2205that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
2206it because the court was going to take a nap.
2207 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
2208%
2209 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
2210willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
2211for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
2212"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
2213centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
2214trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
2215because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
2216object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
2217 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
2218broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
2219a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
2220inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
2221same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
2222an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
2223these sometime around the middle of next week".
2224 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2225%
2226 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
2227of her blonde companion.
2228 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
2229 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
2230 "Olives."
2231%
2232 "How many people work here?"
2233 "Oh, about half."
2234%
2235 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
22363.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
2237could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
2238 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
2239%
2240 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
2241social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
2242full of money before."
2243%
2244 "How'd you get that flat?"
2245 "Ran over a bottle."
2246 "Didn't you see it?"
2247 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
2248%
2249 Hug O' War
2250
2251I will not play at tug o' war.
2252I'd rather play at hug o' war,
2253Where everyone hugs
2254Instead of tugs,
2255Where everyone giggles
2256And rolls on the rug,
2257Where everyone kisses,
2258And everyone grins,
2259And everyone cuddles,
2260And everyone wins.
2261 -- Shel Silverstein
2262%
2263 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
2264misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
2265the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
2266see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
2267background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
2268uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
2269cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
2270remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
2271line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
2272The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
2273 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
2274%
2275 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
2276the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
2277 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
2278 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
2279%
2280 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
2281quavering voice.
2282 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
2283course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
2284I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
2285Elven-lore:
2286
2287 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
2288 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
2289 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
2290 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
2291 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
2292 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
2293 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
2294 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
2295 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2296%
2297 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
2298the sky blue?"
2299 HE asked me about black holes in space.
2300 (There's a hole *where*?)
2301
2302 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
2303 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
2304 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
2305
2306 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
2307 HE talked internal combustion engines.
2308 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
2309
2310 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
2311as equals.
2312 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
2313the graphics.
2314
2315 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
2316 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
2317 (Gotcha!)
2318 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
2319%
2320 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
2321use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
2322violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
2323is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
2324of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
2325each other up:
2326 You: Hello? Bob?
2327 Bob: Yes?
2328 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2329 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2330 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2331 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2332 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2333 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2334 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2335 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2336 have to get back to you.
2337 Bob: Fine.
2338 -- Dave Barry
2339%
2340 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
2341 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2342till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
2343you!'"
2344 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
2345objected.
2346 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2347tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
2348less."
2349 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2350so many different things."
2351 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
2352that's all."
2353 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
2354%
2355 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
2356accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
2357the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
2358can't be measured in monetary terms.
2359 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
2360have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
2361by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
2362should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
2363understand his long delay.
2364%
2365 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2366I think very probably he might be cured."
2367 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2368 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2369 The elders murmured assent.
2370 "Now, what affects it?"
2371 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2372 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2373things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2374depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2375as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2376his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2377irritation and distraction."
2378 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2379 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2380to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2381operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2382 "And then he will be sane?"
2383 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2384 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2385 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2386%
2387 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2388of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2389of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2390as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2391"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2392at present".
2393 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2394myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2395immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2396observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2397but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2398 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2399conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2400proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2401I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2402prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2403happened to be in the right.
2404 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2405%
2406 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2407me to cry.
2408 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2409to weep."
2410 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2411back; I would be nice."
2412 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2413 "Oh, not enough."
2414 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2415 "Not ever?"
2416 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2417 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2418 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2419valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2420 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2421%
2422 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2423asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2424That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2425over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2426arrests.
2427 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2428 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2429these complaints represent?"
2430 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2431 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2432closing the book.
2433 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2434%
2435 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2436including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2437as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2438 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2439of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2440and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2441My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2442when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2443into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2444pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2445into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2446explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2447time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2448deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2449%
2450 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
2451that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
2452more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
2453might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
2454otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
2455otherwise.'"
2456 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
2457%
2458 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
2459"What'll you have, Bud"?
2460 I said," I don't know, surprise me".
2461 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
2462 -- Rodney Dangerfield
2463%
2464 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
2465 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2466that is also a psychological interaction.
2467 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2468so friendly.
2469 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2470 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2471%
2472 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2473operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2474is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2475the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2476 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2477to the assembler.
2478 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2479languages.
2480 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2481expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2482the tao.
2483 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2484%
2485 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2486everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2487we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2488 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2489 -- Sparky Anderson
2490%
2491 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2492brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2493up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2494repeat the sequence.
2495 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2496hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2497again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2498your own apartment?
2499 -- William S. Burroughs
2500%
2501 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
2502around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
2503explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
2504"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
2505deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
2506better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
2507with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
2508you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
2509successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
2510 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
2511You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
2512difficult can it be?"
2513 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
2514which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
2515other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
2516yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
2517 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2518%
2519 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2520means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2521somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2522 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2523them, or something?"
2524 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2525lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2526not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2527 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2528 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2529you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2530it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2531would destroy the whole point of it."
2532 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2533%
2534 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2535young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2536I'm on my way."
2537 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2538%
2539 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2540right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2541library and I'm half way through the second cabnet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2542should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2543was by the time I find it.
2544 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2545"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2546that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2547pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2548blank."
2549 -- Alex Crain
2550%
2551 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2552Junior, what are you up to?"
2553 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2554rabbit.
2555 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2556will publish such rubbish!"
2557 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
2558 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
2559rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
2560wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
2561 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
2562wolves."
2563 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
2564 "Come with me and I'll show you."
2565 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
2566and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
2567and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
2568lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
2569remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2570
2571 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
2572important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2573%
2574 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2575his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2576kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2577was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2578Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2579Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2580of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2581and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2582out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2583to product."
2584 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
258510 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2586lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2587pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2588been an efficiency expert?
2589 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2590%
2591 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2592mud."
2593 And there was mud.
2594 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2595can see what we have done."
2596 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2597man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2598 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2599 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2600 "Certainly," said man.
2601 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2602 And He went away.
2603 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
2604%
2605 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2606null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2607IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2608be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2609carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2610the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2611evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2612 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2613%
2614 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2615the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2616large numbers and prospered.
2617 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2618as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2619was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2620until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2621 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2622structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2623out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2624they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not
2625understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2626amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2627Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2628 -- The Story of Babel
2629%
2630 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2631Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2632
2633 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2634time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2635have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2636 How could it be otherwise?
2637 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2638%
2639 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2640sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2641 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2642 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2643 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2644 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2645 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2646you close your eyes?"
2647 "So that the room will be empty."
2648 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2649%
2650 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2651changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2652bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2653This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull
2654making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2655the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2656 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2657it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2658its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2659does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2660 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2661%
2662 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
2663 In the evening, floating in the soup.
2664(chorus):
2665Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
2666Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
2667 You can ask them anything you want to.
2668 They won't answer; they can't talk.
2669(chorus):
2670 I took a fish head out to see a movie,
2671 Didn't have to pay to get it in.
2672(chorus):
2673 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
2674 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
2675(chorus):
2676 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
2677 Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
2678(chorus):
2679 Fishy!
2680(chorus):
2681 -- Fish Heads
2682%
2683 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2684to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2685like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2686baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2687Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2688achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2689right any day."
2690 "And are you?"
2691 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2692 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2693life-style otherwise."
2694 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2695%
2696 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
2697announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
2698today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
2699a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
2700in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
2701around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
2702those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
2703 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
2704citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
2705these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
2706than a citizen bless their country?"
2707%
2708 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
2709what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
2710may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
2711not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
2712benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
2713I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
2714in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
2715capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
2716not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
2717receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
2718which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
2719 Amen.
2720 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
2721%
2722 INVENTORY
2723Four be the things I am wiser to know:
2724Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
2725
2726Four be the things I'd been better without:
2727Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
2728
2729Three be the things I shall never attain:
2730Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
2731
2732Three be the things I shall have till I die:
2733Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
2734%
2735 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2736directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2737During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2738Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2739enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2740sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2741custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2742freedom and games to the network...
2743 -- DECWARS
2744%
2745 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2746by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2747the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2748case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2749which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2750like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2751require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2752 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2753%
2754 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2755not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2756because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2757human beings.
2758 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2759there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2760duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2761of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2762you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2763and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2764 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2765to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2766response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2767 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2768have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2769different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2770person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2771remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2772religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2773 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2774%
2775 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2776for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2777change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2778ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2779after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2780starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2781a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2782his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2783he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2784passengers.
2785 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2786a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2787parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2788to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2789As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2790the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2791"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2792%
2793 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2794balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2795turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2796need to find out where we are."
2797 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2798cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2799standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2800where we are?"
2801 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2802fifty feet in the air!"
2803 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2804 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2805 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2806useless!"
2807
2808That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2809George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2810New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2811%
2812 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2813everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2814was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2815cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2816 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2817really needed in the first place.
2818 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2819analogous to the above.
2820 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2821%
2822 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2823laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2824thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2825nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2826for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2827 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2828under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2829icepacks.
2830 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2831%
2832 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2833been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2834 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2835when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2836Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2837it always me, teacher?"
2838 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2839explains.
2840
2841 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2842%
2843 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
2844her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
2845the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
2846way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
2847begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
2848stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
2849 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
2850the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
2851mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
2852wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
2853 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
2854can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
2855 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
2856the dining room skylight."
2857%
2858 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
2859lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
2860getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
2861the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
2862sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
2863you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
2864What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
2865of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
2866the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
2867They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
2868applications for.
2869 -- Dave Barry
2870%
2871 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2872tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2873and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2874outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2875caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2876day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2877 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2878What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2879start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2880Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2881class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2882movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2883police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2884home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2885now. They're in a band.
2886 -- Ira Kaplan
2887%
2888 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2889Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2890 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2891dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2892dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2893away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2894the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2895other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2896out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2897back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2898forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
2899 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2900%
2901 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
2902character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
2903hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
2904are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
2905BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
2906to him.
2907 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
2908he met the traveling salesman.
2909 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
2910in high-level language.
2911 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
2912and Apples," commented Jack.
2913 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
2914there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
2915 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
2916he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
2917started thrashing.
2918 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
2919kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
2920window...
2921 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
2922%
2923 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
2924into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
2925galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
2926 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
2927eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
2928rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
2929the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
2930 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
2931guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
2932the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
2933smacked his lips with relish.
2934 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
2935 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
2936a-comin'."
2937%
2938 Love's Drug
2939
2940My love is like an iron wand
2941 That conks me on the head,
2942My love is like the valium
2943 That I take before my bed,
2944My love is like the pint of scotch
2945 That I drink when I be dry;
2946And I shall love thee still, my dear,
2947 Until my wife is wise.
2948%
2949 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
2950Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
2951%
2952 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all
2953the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
2954 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
2955 -- Spike Milligan
2956%
2957 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
2958approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
2959 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
2960to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
2961All I have in the world is this gun."
2962%
2963 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
2964Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
2965company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
2966defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
2967 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
2968plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
2969cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
2970 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
2971%
2972 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
2973Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
2974pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
2975military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
2976Esther and hustle them off to prison.
2977 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
2978passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
2979and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
2980movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
2981charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
2982 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
2983they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
2984if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
2985her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
2986possible, and turns to Murray.
2987 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
2988spits in the sergeants face.
2989 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
2990 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2991%
2992 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as
2993Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
2994We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
2995Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
29966:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
29976:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
2998was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
2999and Knights of Pithiests.
3000 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
3001annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
3002which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
3003weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
3004 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
3005pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
3006word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
3007imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
3008looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
3009 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
3010So we're going back in a few years...
3011 -- Julius H. Marx
3012%
3013 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
3014even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
3015understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
3016robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
3017an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
3018the alter of human limitations.
3019 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
3020in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
3021the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
3022threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
3023stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
3024earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
3025Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
3026earth really does revolve about the sun.
3027 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
3028%
3029 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
3030a girl should not do before twenty."
3031 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
3032audience, either."
3033%
3034 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
3035you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
3036oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
3037cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
3038 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
3039the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
3040repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
3041in the others.
3042 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
3043of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
3044it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
3045 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
3046therapy ask if people have had therapy.
3047 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
3048Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
3049 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
3050%
3051 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
3052directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
3053Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
3054offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
3055true value of the company.
3056 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
3057Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
3058agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
3059their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
3060reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
3061reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
3062Nazareth.
3063%
3064 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
3065simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
3066hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
3067really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
3068expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
3069those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
3070can't."
3071 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
3072 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
3073%
3074 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
3075 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
3076 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
3077"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
3078born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
3079program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
3080stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
3081a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
3082times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
3083*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
3084program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
3085the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
3086stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
3087hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
3088"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
3089%
3090 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
3091tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
3092 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
3093plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
3094they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
3095Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
3096administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
3097you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
3098described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
3099interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
3100that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
3101 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
3102inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
3103so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
3104if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
3105direct sunlight.
3106 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3107%
3108 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
3109to be avoided than harped upon.
3110 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
3111reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
3112just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
3113about helping to postpone this reunion.
3114 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
3115%
3116 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
3117of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
3118urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
3119put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
3120confirm who I am.
3121 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
3122 -- Captain Freedom
3123%
3124 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
3125demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
3126testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
3127and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
3128no attention to the signal.
3129 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
3130complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
3131"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
3132 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
3133lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
3134%
3135 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
3136receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
3137income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
3138$283 on the desk before the cashier.
3139 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
3140route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
3141 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
3142business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
3143worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
3144%
3145 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
3146around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
3147grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
3148almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
3149found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
3150desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
3151staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
3152Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
3153sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
3154being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
3155 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
3156wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
3157 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
3158dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
3159normal person?"
3160%
3161 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
3162to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
3163There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
3164alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
3165dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
3166saying."
3167 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
3168the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
3169to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
3170singing."
3171 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
3172 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
3173%
3174 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
3175There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
3176is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
3177non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
3178several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
3179best, write it down and make that the standard.
3180 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
3181from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
3182committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
3183with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
3184something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
3185 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
3186then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
3187it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
3188after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
3189committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
3190it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
3191 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
3192%
3193 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
3194tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
3195they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
3196it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
3197at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
3198heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
3199"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
3200 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
3201she looked like the side of a barn.
3202 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
3203had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
3204and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
3205when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
3206to decide quickly. I decided.
3207 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
3208man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after
3209faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
3210me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
3211good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
3212the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
3213a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
3214 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
3215%
3216 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
3217special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
3218traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
3219traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
3220see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
3221spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
3222week, until it led them to a parking space.
3223 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
3224let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
3225will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
3226great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
3227our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
3228to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
3229which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
3230shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
3231go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
3232and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
3233 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
3234 Skirmish"
3235%
3236 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
3237crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
3238and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
3239resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
3240said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
3241let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
3242 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
3243you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
3244die quicker than boredom!"
3245 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
3246once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
3247as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
3248bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3249 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
3250a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
3251to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
3252Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
3253Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
3254 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
3255rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3256 -- Richard Bach
3257%
3258 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
3259time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
3260in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
3261dolphins live forever!
3262 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
3263produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
3264only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
3265away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
3266steal one of these birds.
3267 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
3268escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
3269combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
3270on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
3271 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
3272bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
3273stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
3274car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
3275transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
3276%
3277 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
3278through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
3279on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
3280frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
3281I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
3282a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
3283 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
3284help you break such a spell."
3285 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
3286taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
3287the night under her pillow."
3288 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
3289pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
3290enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
3291royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
3292her father and mother still don't believe her story.
3293%
3294 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
3295One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
3296biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
3297until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
3298of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
3299with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
3300accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
3301snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
3302"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
3303simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
3304fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
3305 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
3306boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
3307plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
3308heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
3309went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
3310his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
3311was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
3312the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
3313he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
3314his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
3315%
3316 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
3317to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
3318and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
3319like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
3320is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
3321is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
3322And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
3323a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
3324perception of the elephant.
3325 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
3326attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
3327bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
3328goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
3329them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
3330%
3331 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
3332in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3333who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3334and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3335win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3336way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3337each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3338not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3339in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3340they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3341treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3342thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3343answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3344%
3345 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3346of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3347complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3348obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3349 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3350available to anyone.
3351 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3352%
3353 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3354a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3355to each cons."
3356 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3357student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3358collector..."
3359%
3360 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3361an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3362went to speak with him.
3363 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3364students inquired.
3365 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3366 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3367 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3368%
3369 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3370he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3371I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3372things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3373them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3374so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3375you."
3376 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3377Kelly?"
3378 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3379saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3380lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3381 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3382%
3383 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3384and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3385people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3386stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3387wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3388"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3389 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3390meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3391happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3392again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3393one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3394losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3395could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3396and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3397what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3398 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3399and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3400passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3401 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3402bus pass."
3403%
3404 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3405directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3406 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3407 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3408 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3409 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3410message.....
3411 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3412 Back came the reply...
3413 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3414 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3415"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3416 Back came the reply...
3417 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3418 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3419%
3420 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3421is our support for UNIX?
3422 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3423Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3424VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3425easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3426users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3427And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3428good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3429 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3430out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3431up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3432 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3433check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3434what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3435you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3436is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3437 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3438[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3439Olsen's brain. Ed.]
3440%
3441 page 46
3442...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3443Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3444to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3445on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3446"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3447on placebo."
3448 page 56
3449The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3450Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3451affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3452which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3453diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3454to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3455be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3456body functions.
3457 -- Norman Cousins,
3458 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3459%
3460 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3461town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3462 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3463stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3464Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3465a Tory!"
3466 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3467loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3468husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3469 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3470Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3471never reveal our sauce."
3472 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3473kept favoring curry.
3474 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3475game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3476%
3477 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3478these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3479persuasion.
3480 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3481misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3482swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3483respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3484enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3485the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3486 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3487version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3488"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3489able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3490call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3491youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3492%
3493 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3494sounding a bit worried.
3495 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3496is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3497 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3498said quickly.
3499 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3500Cobb said, hopping out.
3501 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3502%
3503 Phases of a Project:
3504(1) Exultation.
3505(2) Disenchantment.
3506(3) Confusion.
3507(4) Search for the Guilty.
3508(5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3509(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3510%
3511 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt
3512snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one
3513reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives.
3514We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were.
3515But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours.
3516If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator,
3517well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment,
3518everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't
3519know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_.
3520 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In"
3521%
3522 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
3523requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
3524into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
3525problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
3526radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
3527plumbing works.
3528 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
3529except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
3530it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
3531and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
3532all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
3533kill you.
3534 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3535%
3536 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3537the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3538ran like a gentle wind.
3539 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3540 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3541follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3542would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3543longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3544My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3545free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3546writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3547coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3548and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3549program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3550eyes for a moment and then log off."
3551 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3552 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3553%
3554 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
3555Candy
3556Is dandy
3557But liquor
3558Is quicker.
3559 -- Ogden Nash
3560%
3561 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
3562universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
3563know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
3564spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
3565starfield surrounding the ship.
3566 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
3567ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
3568they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
3569been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
3570and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
3571Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
3572 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
3573%
3574 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3575Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3576and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3577every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3578getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3579me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3580 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3581to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3582No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3583maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3584the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3585whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3586possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3587 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
3588%
3589 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3590what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3591somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3592 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3593 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3594if they don't live our way."
3595...
3596 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3597happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3598ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3599Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3600his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3601decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3602through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3603in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3604 "When you look at it that way..."
3605 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3606Whatever. We want. To do."
3607 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3608%
3609 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3610uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3611rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3612algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3613of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3614claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3615differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3616largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3617he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3618well.
3619 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
3620%
3621 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3622their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3623generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3624
3625 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3626Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3627shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3628 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3629advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3630 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3631 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3632 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3633%
3634 SAFETY
3635I can live without
3636Someone I love
3637But not without
3638Someone I need.
3639%
3640 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3641"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3642them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3643 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3644Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3645That way you'll get it out of your system."
3646 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3647inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3648time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3649several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3650yelled at him:
3651 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3652Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3653barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3654Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3655at his head!"
3656 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3657prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3658here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3659psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3660 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3661hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3662%
3663 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3664afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3665the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3666long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3667removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3668Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3669Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3670nice gesture you made today, George.
3671 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3672 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3673respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3674 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3675know."
3676%
3677 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
3678"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
3679said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3680 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3681 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3682 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3683she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3684 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3685proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3686 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
3687%
3688 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3689 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3690Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3691the odd integers are prime."
3692 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3693sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3694experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3695prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3696is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3697 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3698"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3699see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3700well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3701does seem right."
3702 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3703"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3704I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3705his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3706"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3707%
3708 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3709 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3710 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3711paper boots."
3712 "What's he wanted for?"
3713 "Rustling."
3714%
3715 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
3716Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
3717automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
3718in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
3719He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
3720published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
3721had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
3722provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
3723Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
3724every copy.
3725%
3726 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
3727a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
3728the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
3729lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
3730and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
3731when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
3732sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
3733right straight toward us.
3734 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
3735were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
3736We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
3737a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
3738calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
3739a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
3740the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
3741had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
3742and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
3743until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3744 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3745%
3746 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3747haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3748A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3749the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3750stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3751may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3752Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3753theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3754butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3755disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3756per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3757when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3758the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3759People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3760much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3761Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3762by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3763 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3764 This is the Minneapple.
3765%
3766 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3767alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3768the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3769Tao of Programming.
3770 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3771operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3772greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3773harmony in the world.
3774 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3775morning.
3776 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3777%
3778 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3779on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3780Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3781employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3782farmers in America."
3783 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3784%
3785 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
3786Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
3787intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
3788women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
3789good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
3790Machineries of Joy?"
3791 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
3792 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
3793%
3794 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3795 Half 1/2 bottle
3796 Bottle 750 milliliters
3797 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3798 Jeroboam 4 bottles
3799 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3800 Methuselah 8 bottles
3801 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3802 Balthazar 16 bottles
3803 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3804 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3805
3806 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3807largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3808to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3809 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3810%
3811 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3812these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3813
3814 "What is your name?"
3815 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3816 "What is your quest?"
3817 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3818 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3819to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3820 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3821%
3822 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3823Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3824never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3825and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3826run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
3827Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
3828strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
3829were doing was right, that we were winning...
3830 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
3831over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
3832need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
3833-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
3834of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
3835up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
3836you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
3837broke and rolled back.
3838 -- Hunter S. Thompson
3839%
3840 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
3841to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
3842beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
3843drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
3844nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
3845and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
3846was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
3847improve ...
3848 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
3849%
3850 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
3851sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
3852 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
3853 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
3854she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3855 "So?"
3856 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3857%
3858 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
3859they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
3860 -- e.e. cummings last service call
3861%
3862 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
3863and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
3864You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
3865night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
3866you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
3867honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
3868it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
3869the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
3870tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
3871is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
3872 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
3873%
3874 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
3875say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
3876primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
3877and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
3878saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
3879you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
3880time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
3881Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
3882 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
3883publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
3884naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
3885naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
3886article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
3887Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
3888others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
3889Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
3890 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
3891%
3892 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
3893for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
3894 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
3895has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
3896curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
3897foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
3898sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
3899dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
3900people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
3901is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
3902%
3903 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
3904in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
3905laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
3906got a sense of humor?"
3907 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
3908%
3909 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
3910"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
3911in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
3912 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
3913but not much good in a fight."
3914%
3915 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
3916a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
3917his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
3918 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
3919please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
3920sees nothing but goyim..."
3921 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
3922you got problems. What about my son?"
3923%
3924 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
3925physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
3926"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
3927from women."
3928 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
3929second best?"
3930%
3931 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3932
3933SPECIES: Cranial Males
3934SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3935Courtship & Mating:
3936 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
3937 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
3938 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
3939 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
3940 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
3941Track:
3942 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
3943 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
3944Comments:
3945 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
3946%
3947 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3948
3949SPECIES: Cranial Males
3950SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3951Description:
3952 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
3953 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
3954 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
3955 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
3956 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
3957Feathering:
3958 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
3959 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
3960Song:
3961 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
3962%
3963 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3964
3965SPECIES: Cranial Males
3966SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3967Plumage:
3968 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
3969 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
3970 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
3971 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
3972 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
3973 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
3974 plastic digital watch with calculator.
3975%
3976 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
3977As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
3978 "What happened?"
3979 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
3980-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
3981%
3982 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
3983innerworkings of the U.S. Air Force.
3984 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
3985 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
3986he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
3987Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
3988a cup."
3989 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
3990 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
3991 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
3992chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
3993mix-up. Nothing serious."
3994 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
3995mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
3996coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
3997 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
3998%
3999 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
4000the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
4001Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
4002End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
4003%
4004 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
4005
4006On the good ship Enterprise
4007Every week there's a new surprise
4008Where the Romulans lurk
4009And the Klingons often go berserk.
4010
4011Yes, the good ship Enterprise
4012There's excitement anywhere it flies
4013Where Tribbles play
4014And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
4015
4016 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
4017 Mr. Spock is at his side.
4018 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
4019 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
4020
4021It's the good ship Enterprise
4022Heading out where danger lies
4023And you live in dread
4024If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
4025 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
4026%
4027 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4028the subject of towels.
4029 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
4030some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
4031with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
4032toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
4033the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
4034a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
4035hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
4036win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
4037reckoned with.
4038 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4039%
4040 The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4041the subject of towels.
4042 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
4043interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
4044You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
4045of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
4046of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
4047Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
4048with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
4049 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4050%
4051 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
4052After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
4053branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
4054wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
4055 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
4056horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
4057Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
4058"That's two," he said.
4059 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
4060crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
4061off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
4062shot the horse between the eyes.
4063 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
4064married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
4065 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
4066%
4067 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
4068
4069Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
4070DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
4071language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
4072and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
4073spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
4074ours."
4075
4076The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
4077almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
4078organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
4079exist.
4080%
4081 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
4082From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
4083VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
4084
4085Here is a sample program:
4086 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
4087 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
4088 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
4089 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
4090 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
4091 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
4092 SURE
4093 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
4094 REALLY
4095 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
4096 IM*SURE
4097 GOTO THE MALL
4098
4099When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
4100
4101 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
4102%
4103 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
4104
4105This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
4106Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
4107the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
4108
4109The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
4110while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
4111because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
4112Perrier.
4113
4114Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
4115and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
4116case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
4117message:
4118 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
4119 you find the time to try it again?"
4120%
4121 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
4122a position of negative need.
4123 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
4124 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
4125liquid.
4126 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
4127 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
4128prestige of His identity.
4129 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
4130ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
4131sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
4132 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
4133into a pleasurific mood state.
4134 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
4135in the context of non-cooperative elements.
4136 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
4137 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
4138 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
4139empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
4140target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
4141tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
4142time basis.
4143%
4144 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
4145master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
4146master's office while the master waited in silence.
4147 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
4148began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
4149system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
4150interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
4151Is it not amazing?"
4152 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
4153said.
4154 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
4155everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
4156to this?"
4157 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
4158data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
4159pleased.
4160 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
4161programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
4162you know where it might be?"
4163 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
4164in the data center."
4165 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4166%
4167 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
4168emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
4169have a quarter?"
4170 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
4171 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
4172right! Can I have a dollar?"
4173%
4174 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
4175change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
4176is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
4177 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4178%
4179 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
4180students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
4181ation.
4182 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
4183recognition of the sanctity of human life."
4184
4185 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
41861987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
4187"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
4188farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
4189
4190 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
4191Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
4192probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
4193
4194 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
4195logically experienced citizens."
4196
4197 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
4198just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
4199 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
4200%
4201 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
4202 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
4203feel interested.
4204 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
4205vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
4206Aged Man.'"
4207 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
4208Alice corrected herself.
4209 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
4210called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
4211 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
4212time completely bewildered.
4213 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
4214"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
4215 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
4216%
4217 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
4218You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
4219old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
4220grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
4221bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
4222 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
4223%
4224 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
4225Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
4226large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
4227it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
4228apparatus for a spectator sport.
4229
4230 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
4231castrating pigs during Sunday service.
4232 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4233%
4234 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
4235I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
4236 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
4237Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
4238out on the water, round. Usurper.
4239 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
4240%
4241 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
4242get results.
4243 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
4244problems in order to get results
4245 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
4246toy problems in order to get results.
4247%
4248 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
4249their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
4250 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
4251battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
4252blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
4253 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
4254 The answer exists only in the Tao.
4255 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4256%
4257 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
4258forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
4259their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
4260to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
4261 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
4262on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
4263got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
4264hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
4265most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
4266 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
4267 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
4268suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
4269through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
4270and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
4271one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
4272%
4273 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
4274to the assembler.
4275 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
4276languages.
4277 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
4278expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
4279the Tao.
4280 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
4281 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4282%
4283 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
4284 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
4285
4286A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
4287should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
4288take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
4289of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
4290statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
4291of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
4292only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
4293
4294 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
4295 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
4296 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
4297 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
4298
4299 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
4300%
4301 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
4302programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
4303is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
4304would be no Tao.
4305 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
4306retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
4307still has bugs.
4308 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4309%
4310 THE WOMBAT
4311
4312The wombat lives across the seas,
4313Among the far Antipodes.
4314He may exist on nuts and berries,
4315Or then again, on missionaries;
4316His distant habitat precludes
4317Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
4318But I would not engage the wombat
4319In any form of mortal combat.
4320%
4321 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
4322stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
4323his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
4324to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
4325wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
4326Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
4327of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
4328line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
4329he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
4330was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
4331he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
4332to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
4333for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
4334As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
4335Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
4336Dave!"
4337%
4338 Them Toad Suckers
4339
4340How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
4341Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
4342
4343Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
4344Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
4345
4346Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
4347Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
4348
4349Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
4350Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
4351
4352How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
4353Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
4354 -- Mason Williams
4355%
4356 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
4357it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
4358the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
4359With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
4360make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
4361when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
4362him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
4363with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
4364THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
4365TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
4366has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
4367Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
4368 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
4369%
4370 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
4371with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
4372sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
4373his real problems.
4374 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
4375problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
4376headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
4377gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
4378 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
4379stand to live with.
4380 -- R. Geis
4381%
4382 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
4383wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
4384hard, to keep from falling.
4385 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
4386his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
4387...
4388 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
4389are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
4390heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
4391 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
4392%
4393 THEORY
4394Into love and out again,
4395 Thus I went and thus I go.
4396Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
4397 Well and bitterly I know
4398All the songs were ever sung,
4399 All the words were ever said;
4400Could it be, when I was young,
4401 Someone dropped me on my head?
4402 -- Dorothy Parker
4403%
4404 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4405someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4406Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4407Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4408every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4409this?
4410 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4411centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
4412can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4413forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4414-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4415even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4416why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4417 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4418%
4419 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are
4420sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts
4421that people cannot think.
4422 -- Richard W. Hamming
4423%
4424 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4425he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4426 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4427forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4428 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4429of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4430But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4431 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4432but nothing was to be found.
4433 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4434guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4435better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4436 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4437curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4438in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4439 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4440 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4441%
4442 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4443A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4444programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4445master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4446appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4447understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4448 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4449%
4450 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4451day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4452of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4453change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4454whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4455%
4456 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4457going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4458a man who answered one door.
4459 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4460 "Forty dollars."
4461 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4462 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4463"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4464"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4465%
4466 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4467you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4468 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4469 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4470they're carrying upstairs!"
4471%
4472 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
4473three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4474each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4475can opener.
4476 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4477cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4478pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4479and escaped.
4480 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4481off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4482pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4483 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4484solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly
4485against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4486 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4487 Proof: assume the opposite...
4488%
4489 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4490warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4491an accounting package or an operating system?"
4492 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4493 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4494accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4495system," he said.
4496 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4497the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4498how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4499tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4500appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4501simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4502is easier to design."
4503 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4504he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4505 The programmer made no reply.
4506 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4507%
4508 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4509how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4510"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4511share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4512easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4513 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4514friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4515midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4516of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4517as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4518like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4519 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4520two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4521 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4522%
4523 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4524drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4525pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4526demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4527sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4528 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4529No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4530ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae
4531was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4532beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4533things was itself the doing of them.
4534 To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4535so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4536greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4537and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4538sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4539of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4540spread only for demons or for gods."
4541 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4542%
4543 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4544parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4545being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4546 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4547Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4548whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4549 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4550about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4551country. We're completely computerized.
4552 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4553leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4554real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4555country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4556look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4557yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4558I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4559 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4560He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4561 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4562we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4563your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4564 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4565%
4566 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4567explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4568use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4569and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4570 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4571pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
4572we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4573making anything out of all the hard work.
4574 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4575around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4576attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4577locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4578 -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
4579%
4580 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
4581rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
4582than he does.
4583 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
4584it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
4585sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
4586consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
4587being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
4588 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
4589do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
4590honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
4591be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
4592relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
4593Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
4594This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
4595 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4596 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
4597 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4598%
4599 To A Quick Young Fox
4600Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4601Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4602Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
4603Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4604 -- Lazy Dog
4605%
4606 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4607wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4608 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4609food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4610promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4611eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4612Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4613pint of ice cream nearby.
4614 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4615%
4616 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4617 One saw mud--
4618 The other saw stars.
4619
4620Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4621While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4622in the head.
4623%
4624 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4625ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4626"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4627 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4628seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4629sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4630 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4631an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4632bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4633son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4634 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4635and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4636was Carmen or Cohen.
4637 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4638since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4639orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4640%
4641 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
4642strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
4643crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
4644There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
4645a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
4646salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
4647square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
4648soggy potato chips."
4649 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4650 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
4651"but I thought it made good copy."
4652 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4653%
4654 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4655Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4656up to 340."
4657
4658 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4659stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4660to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4661
4662 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4663finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4664are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4665work."
4666 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4667%
4668 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4669
4670Firings will continue until morale improves.
4671%
4672 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4673think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4674doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4675messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4676disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4677by law, up to and including nothing.
4678 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4679packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4680 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4681lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4682attack shark at which point we relented.
4683 -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4684%
4685 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4686and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4687trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4688in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4689predatory.
4690 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4691at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4692Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4693 -- William Burroughs
4694%
4695 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4696you are so tired.
4697 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4698 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
469960 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4700years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4701 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
470219 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4703leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4704and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4705hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4706 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4707so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4708brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4709%
4710 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4711you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4712psycho-prompter couch?"
4713 "Thank you, Red."
4714 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4715your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4716pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4717 "Yes, Red."
4718 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4719repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4720at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4721your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4722two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4723projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4724 "Yes, Red."
4725 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4726been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4727explain the failure of your three marriages."
4728 "Well, I--"
4729 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4730product."
4731 -- Jules Feiffer
4732%
4733 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4734of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4735 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4736only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4737able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4738undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4739inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4740All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4741became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4742not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4743meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4744all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4745all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4746destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4747 Time passed, unheeded.
4748 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4749Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4750 -- Wayfarer
4751%
4752 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4753blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4754blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4755scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4756ripped off..."
4757 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4758let him lie there all night."
4759 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4760White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4761and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4762that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
4763 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4764and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4765around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4766in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4767 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4768 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4769 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4770 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4771 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4772%
4773 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4774The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4775maim or kill innocent little children."
4776 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4777 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
4778 -- The Killing Joke
4779%
4780 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
4781as follows."
4782 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
4783an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
4784 "It means the Thing to Do."
4785 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
4786%
4787 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
4788great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so
4789good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
4790MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4791 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
4792is mightier than you."
4793 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
4794"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4795 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
4796stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
4797 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
4798quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
4799THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
4800 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
4801him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
4802orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The
4803tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you
4804don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer."
4805%
4806 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
4807had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
4808Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
4809 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
4810
4811The New Yorker's comment:
4812 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
4813%
4814 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
4815 "Oh, is he very old then?"
4816 "No, we just don't like him."
4817 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
4818 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
4819great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
4820you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
4821above the beak."
4822 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
4823 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
4824pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
4825of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
4826 -- Monty Python
4827%
4828 "We've got a problem, HAL".
4829 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
4830 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
4831way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
4832 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
4833advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
4834 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
4835they're not selling."
4836 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
4837 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
4838[...]
4839 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
4840I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
4841 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
4842 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
4843 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
4844 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
4845%
4846 "What are you doing?"
4847 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
4848that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation
4849period."
4850%
4851 "What are you watching?"
4852 "I don't know."
4853 "Well, what's happening?"
4854 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
4855terrible."
4856 "Why are you watching it?"
4857 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
4858flow over you."
4859 -- The Big Chill
4860%
4861 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
4862fantasies?"
4863 "You keep it to yourself."
4864 -- Broadcast News
4865%
4866 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
4867asked her mother.
4868 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
4869%
4870 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
4871chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
4872conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
4873repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
4874they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
4875passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
4876all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
4877and they remain permanent influences on your life.
4878 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
4879as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
4880less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
4881men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
4882more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
4883 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
4884%
4885 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
4886didn't believe in God".
4887 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
4888God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
4889not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
4890 -- Joseph Heller
4891%
4892 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
4893 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
4894ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
4895 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
4896%
4897 "What's that thing?"
4898 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
4899computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
4900it does. We call it a two-by-four."
4901 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
4902%
4903 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
4904his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
4905questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
4906political views.
4907 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
4908driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
4909'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
4910closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
4911 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
4912moved farther to the left."
4913 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4914%
4915 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
4916When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
4917to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
4918roll in.
4919 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
4920 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
4921accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
4922When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
4923be solved.
4924 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
4925 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4926%
4927 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
4928"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
4929the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
4930 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
4931might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
4932%
4933 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
4934that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
4935hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
4936to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
4937but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
4938seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
4939invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
4940sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
4941 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
4942It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
4943Rumania.
4944 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
4945%
4946 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
4947"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
4948 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
4949 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
4950Piglet.
4951 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
4952%
4953 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
4954the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
4955three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
4956"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
4957 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
4958 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
4959then. We're trying to catch her."
4960 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
4961carrying a bucket of sand?"
4962 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
4963%
4964 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
4965inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
4966 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
4967you burn, madam."
4968%
4969 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
4970his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
4971 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
4972mean?"
4973 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
4974`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
4975a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
4976salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
4977machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
4978thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
4979had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
4980more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
4981acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
4982be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
4983were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
4984why the sea is salt."
4985 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
4986 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
4987%
4988 Why are you doing this to me?
4989 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
4990there is change.
4991 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
4992%
4993 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
4994vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
4995unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
4996the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
4997-- $40,000."
4998%
4999 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
5000Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
5001buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
5002 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
5003 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
5004 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
5005and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
5006"Okay. It's your wife."
5007 "My wife!!"
5008 "Yeah."
5009 "What about her?"
5010 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
5011his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
5012%
5013 Work Hard.
5014 Rock Hard.
5015 Eat Hard.
5016 Sleep Hard.
5017 Grow Big.
5018 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
5019 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
5020%
5021 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
5022and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
5023quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
5024and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
5025Chips, as well as after Chips?
5026%
5027 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
5028mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
5029 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
5030bury it or else throw it into the brook."
5031 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
5032do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
5033long, and two mouses wide."
5034 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
5035how it was used...
5036 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
5037%
5038 "Yo, Mike!"
5039 "Yeah, Gabe?"
5040 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
5041 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
5042 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
5043program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
5044 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
5045there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
5046There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
5047 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
5048%
5049 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
5050 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
5051 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
5052was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
5053 -- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
5054%
5055 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
5056airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
5057deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
5058when I was young!"
5059 "Why, what did she tell you?"
5060 "I don't know, I didn't listen."
5061 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5062%
5063 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
5064any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
5065fit to hear his view of things?"
5066 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
5067you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
5068imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
5069if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
5070potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
5071and you may feel free to kick his ass."
5072 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
5073%
5074 "You say there are two types of people?"
5075 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
5076don't."
5077 "Wrong. There are three groups:
5078 Those who separate people into three groups.
5079 Those who don't separate people into groups.
5080 Those who can't decide."
5081 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
5082two groups?"
5083 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
5084 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
5085 "Yeah."
5086 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
5087 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
5088minds."
5089%
5090 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
5091week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
5092only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
5093Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
5094to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
5095 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
5096rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
5097fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
5098soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
5099beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
5100twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
5101age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
5102This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
5103 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
5104%
5105 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
5106electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
5107kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
5108problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
5109the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
5110outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
5111to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
5112 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
5113means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
5114that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
5115caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
5116possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
5117actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
5118signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
5119cats on the dinette table, etc.
5120 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
5121%
5122 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
5123 "We wound barbed wire around them."
5124 "That stop him?"
5125 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
5126%
5127 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
5128the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
5129of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
5130 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
5131old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
5132enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
5133-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
5134back to dust.
5135 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
5136of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
5137thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
5138for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
5139 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
5140self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
5141despair.
5142 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
5143grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
5144you are young.
5145 -- Samuel Ullman
5146%
5147" "
5148 -- Charlie Chaplin
5149
5150" "
5151 -- Harpo Marx
5152
5153" "
5154 -- Marcel Marceau
5155%
5156Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
5157start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
5158then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
5159music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
5160 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
5161%
5162 /\
5163 \\ \
5164 / \ \\ /
5165 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
5166 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
5167 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
5168 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
5169 \ \\
5170 \/
5171 -- Eurythmics
5172%
5173 ___ ______
5174 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
5175 \ \ \ / /\\
5176 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
5177 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
5178 // \__\/ / \ /\ \
5179 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
5180 / / \ \ / / / /\
5181 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
5182 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
5183 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
5184 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
5185 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
5186 \ \/ / \ \ \ \ /
5187 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
5188 /__________/ \ \ /
5189 \ _____ \ /_____\/
5190 \ / /\ \ / \ \ \
5191 /____/ \ \ / \ \ \
5192 \ \ /___\/ \ \ \
5193 \____\/ \__\/
5194%
5195 ***
5196 *******
5197 *********
5198 ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
5199 *******
5200 ***
5201%
5202* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
5203%
5204 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
5205primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
5206of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
5207arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
5208completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
5209once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
5210subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
5211man.
5212 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
5213%
5214 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
5215 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
5216 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
5217 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
5218 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
5219
5220 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
5221%
5222 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
5223 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
5224 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
5225 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
5226 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
5227
5228 -- C code which counts the bits in a word.
5229%
5230=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5231
5232Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
5233will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
5234updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
5235machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
5236populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
5237cold boot process.
5238%
5239=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5240
5241A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
5242
5243The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
5244Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
5245switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
5246Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
5247back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
5248performance.
5249%
5250=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5251
5252Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
5253this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
5254order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
5255please communicate them by one of the following paths:
5256
5257 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
5258 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
5259 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
5260 Wastebasket
5261 Room NE43-926
5262 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
5263 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
5264 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
5265
5266* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
5267 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
5268%
5269=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5270
5271CAR and CDR now return extra values.
5272
5273The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
5274to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
5275well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
5276destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
5277
5278 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
5279
5280For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
5281object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
5282fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
5283hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
5284it cold boots the machine so often.
5285%
5286=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5287
5288Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
5289INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
5290LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
5291done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
5292Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
5293
5294 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
5295 ,LET)))
5296 `(LET ((LET ',LET))
5297 ,LET))
5298
5299This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
53003.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
5301This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
5302Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him
5303confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
5304%
5305=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5306
5307JCL support as alternative to system menu.
5308
5309In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
5310we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
5311alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
5312interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
5313compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
5314window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
5315such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
5316syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
5317debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
5318messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
5319%
5320=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5321
5322The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
5323collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
5324(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
5325virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
5326QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
5327collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
5328than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
5329more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
5330remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
5331in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
5332SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
5333%
5334=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5335
5336There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
5337 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
5338 (PROG (V P LP)
5339 (SETQ P (LOCF V))
5340 L (SETQ LP LISTS)
5341 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5342 L1 (OR LP (GO L2))
5343 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
5344 (%PUSH (CAAR LP))
5345 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
5346 (SETQ LP (CDR LP))
5347 (GO L1)
5348 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5349 (SETQ LP (%POP))
5350 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
5351 (GO L)))
5352We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
5353%
5354**** CONVENTION REMINDER
5355
5356No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
5357Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
5358smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
5359carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
5360marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
5361%
5362**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
5363
5364For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
5365Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
5366to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
5367beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
5368they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
5369Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
5370not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
5371all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
5372great potential.
5373%
5374 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
5375 its situation.
5376 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
5377 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
5378 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
5379 second per second takes over.
5380 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
5381 intervenes suddenly.
5382 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
5383 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
5384 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
5385 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
5386 stooge's surcease.
5387III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
5388 conforming to its perimeter.
5389 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
5390 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
5391 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
5392 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
5393 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
5394 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5395%
5396" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
5397pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
5398 -- Winston Churchill
5399%
5400 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
5401 2. The Nutcracker Swede
5402 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
5403 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
5404 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
5405 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5406 7. Crisco Kringle
5407 8. Babes in Boyland
5408 9. Santa's Magic Lap
540910. Hot Buttered Elves
5410 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
5411 Square"
5412%
5413... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
5414have turned into a pile of dust.
5415%
5416... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
5417was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
5418 -- Mark Twain
5419%
5420... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
5421were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5422a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5423Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5424and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5425that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5426 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5427%
5428-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5429-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5430 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5431-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5432-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5433 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5434-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5435-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5436-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
5437 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5438%
5439=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5440
5441To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5442course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5443offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5444afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5445to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5446there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5447%
5448"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5449products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
5450 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5451 MIT Press, 1987
5452%
5453... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5454programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5455down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5456behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5457never when standing.
5458
5459Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5460know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5461know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5462hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
5463electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5464An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5465the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5466touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5467astray by hunting and pecking.
5468 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5469 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5470%
5471... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
5472%
5473"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
5474your own."
5475 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
5476 Preposterous Words
5477%
5478... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5479inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5480ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5481haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5482it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5483prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5484looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5485is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5486mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5487may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5488have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5489 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5490%
5491... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
5492%
5493"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..."
5494 -- Zippy the Pinhead
5495%
5496... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
5497easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
5498and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
5499upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
5500without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
5501on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
5502was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
5503sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
5504human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
5505 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5506%
5507... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5508intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
5509can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
5510seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
5511world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
5512ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
5513you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
5514would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
5515 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5516%
5517... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
5518 -- Virginia Masters
5519%
5520... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5521objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5522public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5523public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5524parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5525are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5526the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5527other's private parts.
5528 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5529%
5530... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5531civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5532gain in 30 years.
5533 -- Fred Brooks
5534%
5535... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
5536business, it probably would be gibberish.
5537 -- Thom McLeod
5538%
5539... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects
5540perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5541attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5542introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5543yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5544 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5545%
5546 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
5547%
5548<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5549%
5550... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5551"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5552words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5553He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5554them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5555Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5556knows them in the naming.
5557 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5558%
5559"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
5560 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
5561 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
5562 Security Agency.
5563%
5564/* Haley */
5565
5566 (Haley's comment.)
5567%
5568" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
5569instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
5570standing still ..."
5571 -- Steven Wright
5572%
5573"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
5574supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
5575actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
5576 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
5577 Points in l'Amour"
5578%
5579... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
5580the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
5581asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
5582 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5583%
5584... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
5585KOSHER DELI!!
5586%
5587**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5588
5589Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5590erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5591Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5592Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5593valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5594in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5595as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5596time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5597of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5598space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5599validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5600extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5601or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5602%
5603... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5604intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5605to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5606at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5607incalculable ...
5608 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5609%
5610... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
5611smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
5612not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
5613 -- Stephen Crane
5614%
5615>>> Internal error in fortune program:
5616>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5617>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5618%
5619: is not an identifier
5620%
5621... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5622sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5623words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5624superficial design flaws.
5625 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5626 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
5627%
5628... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5629existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5630systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5631hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5632 -- Sidney Hook
5633%
5634... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5635found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5636 -- John 11:43-44
5637%
5638"... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5639What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?"
5640 -- Opus
5641%
5642... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
5643legally ... impeccable!
5644%
5645-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5646-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5647 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5648-- Neophyte's serendipity.
5649-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
5650 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5651-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5652 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5653-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation
5654 of a lucrative nature.
5655-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5656 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
5657%
5658** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5659%
5660-- Neophyte's serendipity.
5661-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
5662 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5663-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
5664 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
5665-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5666 optimal cachinnation.
5667-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
5668 escallation of a lucrative nature.
5669-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
5670 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
5671 remain innocuous.
5672%
5673*** NEWS FLASH ***
5674
5675Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5676skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5677than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5678%
5679*** NEWSFLASH ***
5680 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
5681 Details at eleven!
5682%
5683... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5684get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5685the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5686on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5687children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5688snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5689to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5690a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5691outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5692he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5693Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5694Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
5695kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
5696children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
5697quickly.
5698 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5699%
5700... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
5701with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
5702shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
5703advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
5704shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
5705them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
5706 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5707%
5708... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5709lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
5710their C programs.
5711 -- Robert Firth
5712%
5713... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
5714Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
5715thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
5716somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
5717on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
5718a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
5719 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
5720%
5721... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
5722downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
5723awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
5724 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
5725 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
5726%
5727-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
5728-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
5729-- Surveillance should precede saltation.
5730-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5731-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
5732 lacteal fluid.
5733-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
5734-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
5735 canine with innovative maneuvers.
5736-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
5737-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
5738 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
5739%
5740... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
5741who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
5742and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
5743and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
5744 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
5745%
5746... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
5747procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
5748to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
5749sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
5750documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
5751listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
5752documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
5753under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
5754effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
5755scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
5756in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
5757thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
5758then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
5759dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
5760 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
5761%
5762***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
5763
5764It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
5765in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
5766sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
5767we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
5768"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
5769wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
5770IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
5771about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
5772forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
5773rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
5774succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
5775in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
5776underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
5777of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
5778IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
5779discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
5780%
5781-- THE BATES MOTEL --
5782 ... convenient
5783 ... clean
5784 ... cozy
5785
5786 Norman, knock loudly,
5787 I'm in the shower.
5788
5789 M.
5790%
5791"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
5792 -- Dave Barry
5793%
5794... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
5795%
5796... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
5797other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
5798charity we can only call "inhuman."
5799 -- R. A. Lafferty
5800%
5801-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
5802-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5803-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
5804 materials, there is conflagration.
5805-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5806-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5807 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5808-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5809 optimal cachinnation.
5810-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5811%
5812... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
5813have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
5814or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
5815layers that are going to be agreed upon.
5816 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
5817%
5818... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
5819thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
5820biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
5821cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
5822
5823 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
5824%
5825... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
5826million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
5827 -- The Firesign Theater
5828%
5829... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
5830from beginning to end.
5831 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
5832%
5833 U X
5834e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
5835%
5836* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
5837%
5838 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
5839 entrances; others cannot.
5840 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
5841 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
5842 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
5843 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
5844 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
5845 of science.
5846VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
5847 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
5848 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
5849 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
5850 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
5851 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
5852 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
5853 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
5854 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
5855 watching it happen to a duck instead.
5856 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
5857 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
5858 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5859%
5860<< WAIT >>
5861%
5862... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
5863observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
5864years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
5865descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
5866do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
5867flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
5868things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
5869established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
5870to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
5871cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
5872into doubt.
5873 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
5874 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
5875%
5876... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
5877has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
5878 -- Fred Brooks
5879%
5880... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
5881Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
5882piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
5883wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
5884right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
5885poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
5886hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
5887to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
5888anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
5889 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
5890barely able to walk.
5891 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
5892 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
5893 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
5894"The good news first!"
5895 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
5896 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
5897The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
5898the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
5899his life."
5900%
5901!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
5902%
59031: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
59042: An inclined plane is a slope up.
59053: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
5906
5907QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
5908 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
5909%
5910(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
5911 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
5912(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
5913 Wash the windows once a week.
5914(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
5915 coal for the day's business.
5916(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
5917 individual taste.
5918(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
5919 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
5920 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
5921 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
5922 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5923 Works, 1872
5924%
59251 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
5926%
59271. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't.
59282. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
59293. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
59304. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
59315. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
59326. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
59337. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
59348. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
59359. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
593610. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
5937 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
5938%
5939[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5940[2] Great generals are forewarned.
5941[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5942[4] Four is an even number.
5943[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5944[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5945 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
5946%
5947[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5948[2] Great generals are forewarned.
5949[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5950[4] Four is an even number.
5951[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5952[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5953 Therefore, all horses are black.
5954%
59551. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
59562. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
59573. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
59584. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
5959 the social ramble ain't restful.
59605. Avoid running at all times.
59616. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
5962 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
5963%
59641 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
59656.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
59662 pints = 1 Cavort
5967Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
5968Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
59696 Curses = 1 Hexahex
59703500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
59711 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
59721 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
59731 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
59741000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
59752.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
59762000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
597710 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
5978Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
59798 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
5980365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
598116.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
5982Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
5983 to 1 meter per second
5984One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
598510 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
59861000 pains = 1 Megahertz
59871 Word = 1 Millipicture
59881 Sagan = Billions & Billions
59891 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
599010 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
599110 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
5992The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
5993%
59941 bulls, 3 cows.
5995%
59961. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
5997you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
59983. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
5999 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
6000%
60011: No code table for op: ++post
6002%
60031) X=Y ; Given
60042) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
60053) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
60064) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
60075) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
60086) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
60097) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
6010 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
6011%
601210. Not everybody looks good naked.
6013 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
6014 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
6015 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
6016 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
6017 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
6018 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
6019 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
6020 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
6021 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
6022 future generations.
6023 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
6024%
602510 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
6026
6027 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
6028 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
6029 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
6030 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
6031 other beers on the side.
6032 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
6033 "doberperson".
6034 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
6035 folk music on yer fave radio station.
6036 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
6037 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
6038 toilet seat up.
6039 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
6040 enormous can of vegetable juice.
604110. A beer won't smoke in your car.
6042%
6043100 buckets of bits on the bus
6044100 buckets of bits
6045Take one down, short it to ground
6046FF buckets of bits on the bus
6047
6048FF buckets of bits on the bus
6049FF buckets of bits
6050Take one down, short it to ground
6051FE buckets of bits on the bus...
6052
6053ad infinitum...
6054%
6055$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
6056which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
6057 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
6058%
6059$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
6060increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
6061 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6062%
606310.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
6064%
6065101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
6066 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
6067 (2) Dead cat brush
6068 (3) Hair barrettes
6069 (4) Cleats
6070 (5) Self-piercing earrings
6071 (6) Fungus trellis
6072 (7) False eyelashes
6073 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
6074 .
6075 .
6076 .
6077 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
6078 (100) Killer velcro
6079 (101) Currency
6080%
60811/2 oz. gin
60821/2 oz. vodka
60831/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
60843/4 oz. tequila
60851/2 oz. triple sec
60861/2 oz. orange juice
60873/4 oz. sour mix
60881/2 oz. cola
6089shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
6090 Long Island Iced Tea
6091%
609213. ... r-q1
6093%
609417. HO HUM -- The Redundant
6095
6096------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
6097--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
6098------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
6099---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
6100---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
6101--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
6102
6103Nine in the second place means:
6104 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
6105
6106Six in the third place means:
6107 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
6108 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
6109%
61101.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
6111the law!
6112%
611317th Rule of Friendship:
6114
6115A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
6116of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
6117noncancellable.
6118 -- Esquire, May 1977
6119%
6120186,000 miles per second:
6121It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
6122%
61231893 The ideal brain tonic
61241900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
6125 soda fountains
61261905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
61271905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
61281906 The drink of QUALITY
61291907 Good to the last drop
61301907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
61311907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
61321908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
61331917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
61341919 It satisfies thirst
61351919 The taste is the test
61361922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
61371922 Thirst knows no season
61381925 Enjoy the sociable drink
6139 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6140%
61411925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
61421929 The high sign of refreshment
61431929 The pause that refreshes
61441930 It had to be good to get where it is
61451932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
61461935 The pause that brings friends together
61471937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
61481938 The best friend thirst ever had
61491939 Thirst stops here
61501942 It's the real thing
61511947 Have a Coke
61521961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
61531963 Things go better with Coke
61541969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
61551979 Have a Coke and a smile
61561982 Coke is it!
6157 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6158%
61591st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
6160
61612nd graffitiest: Why?
6162%
61632180, U.S. History question:
6164 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
6165office did he later hold?
6166%
61673 syncs represent the trinity - init, the child and the eternal zombie
6168process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
6169traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
6170ourselves in.
6171 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
6172%
6173$3,000,000.
6174%
6175355/113 --
6176 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
6177%
61783M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
6179and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
6180that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
6181adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
6182tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
6183
6184 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
6185%
61863rd Law of Computing:
6187 Anything that can go wr
6188fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
6189%
619040 isn't old. If you're a tree.
6191%
61924.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
6193
6194You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
6195575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
6196tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
6197575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
6198Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
6199130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
6200has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
6201Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
6202 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
6203%
6204(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
6205 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
6206(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
6207 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
6208 and other good books.
6209(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
6210 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
6211 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
6212(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
6213 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
6214 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
6215 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
6216(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
6217 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
6218 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
6219 business permit it.
6220 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6221 Works, 1872
6222%
62236 oz. orange juice
62241 oz. vodka
62251/2 oz. Galliano
6226 Harvey Wallbangers
6227%
62287:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6229 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
6230 Redwood Forest.
6231%
62327:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6233 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
6234 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
6235%
623690% of the work takes 90% of the time.
6237The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
6238%
623994% of the women in America are beautiful
6240and the rest hang out around here.
6241%
624299 blocks of crud on the disk,
624399 blocks of crud!
6244You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6245100 blocks of crud on the disk!
6246
6247100 blocks of crud on the disk,
6248100 blocks of crud!
6249You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6250101 blocks of crud on the disk!
6251%
6252A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
6253 -- Ben Franklin
6254%
6255A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
6256at one end and no responsibility at the other.
6257%
6258A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
6259 -- Carl Sandburg
6260%
6261A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
6262%
6263A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
6264who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
6265 -- Don Quinn
6266%
6267A bachelor is an unaltared male.
6268%
6269A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
6270and a boy for ever.
6271 -- Helen Rowland
6272%
6273A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
6274the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
6275%
6276A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
6277ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
6278 -- Robert Frost
6279%
6280A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
6281sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
6282 -- Mark Twain
6283%
6284A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
6285 -- Kipling
6286%
6287A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
6288 -- Emerson
6289%
6290A beer delayed is a beer denied.
6291%
6292A beginning is the time for taking the
6293most delicate care that balances are correct.
6294 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
6295%
6296A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
6297 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
6298%
6299A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
6300adds up to be real money.
6301 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
6302%
6303A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
6304A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
6305A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
6306A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
6307%
6308A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
6309a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
6310jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
6311
6312The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
6313 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
6314The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
6315 there's one white zebra."
6316The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
6317 white on one side."
6318The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
6319%
6320A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
6321%
6322A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
6323 -- Cervantes
6324%
6325A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
6326%
6327A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
6328%
6329A bit of talcum
6330Is always walcum
6331 -- Ogden Nash
6332%
6333A black cat crossing your path signifies
6334that the animal is going somewhere.
6335 -- Groucho Marx
6336%
6337A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
6338best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
6339serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
6340schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
6341work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
6342not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
6343elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
6344stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
6345supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
6346professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
6347academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
6348and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
6349resource centers along the roads.
6350 -- The Underground Grammarian
6351%
6352A bore is a man who talks so much about
6353himself that you can't talk about yourself.
6354%
6355A bore is someone who persists in holding his
6356own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
6357%
6358A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
6359%
6360A box without hinges, key, or lid,
6361Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
6362 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
6363%
6364A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
6365of turning around three times before lying down.
6366 -- Robert Benchley
6367%
6368A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
6369 -- John Steinbeck
6370%
6371A budget is just a method of worrying
6372before you spend money, as well as afterward.
6373%
6374A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
6375%
6376A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
6377%
6378A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
6379hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
6380drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
6381found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
6382got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
6383experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
6384 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
6385got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
6386friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
6387 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
6388pole in a complex plane."
6389%
6390A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
6391The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
6392Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
6393And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
6394 -- Robert W. Service
6395%
6396A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
6397is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
6398%
6399A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
6400 -- Paul Valery
6401%
6402"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!"
6403 -- Zippy the Pinhead
6404%
6405A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
6406and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
6407%
6408A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
6409to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
6410and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
6411examine him about his recent diet.
6412 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
6413the problem?"
6414 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
6415Tell me a bit about this missionary."
6416 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
6417walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
6418him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
6419 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
6420the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
6421%
6422A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
6423%
6424A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
6425on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
6426and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
6427with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
6428until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
6429and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
6430spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
6431%
6432A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
6433does not prove anything.
6434 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
6435%
6436A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
6437%
6438A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
6439Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
6440%
6441A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
6442had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
6443various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
6444invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
6445and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
6446asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
6447between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
6448string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
6449was enlightened.
6450
6451From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
6452string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
6453who passed it on to theirs.
6454%
6455A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
6456time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
6457evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
6458the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
6459the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
6460much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
6461 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
6462The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
6463after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
6464to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
6465silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
6466go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
6467 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
6468the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
6469%
6470A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
6471a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
6472with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
6473in as Mr. and Mrs.
6474 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
6475desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
6476a bill for $2500.
6477 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
6478only three days."
6479 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
6480and a half."
6481%
6482A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
6483%
6484A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
6485coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
6486to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
6487 -- Dave Barry
6488%
6489A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
6490%
6491A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
6492Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
6493 -- Thomas Ybarra
6494%
6495A chronic disposition to inquiry
6496deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
6497%
6498A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
6499will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
6500%
6501A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
6502won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
6503 -- Bill Vaughan
6504%
6505A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
6506 -- Herbert Prochnow
6507%
6508A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
6509%
6510A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
6511and nobody wants to read.
6512 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
6513%
6514A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
6515%
6516A closed mouth gathers no foot.
6517%
6518A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
6519a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
6520sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
6521know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
6522 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
6523%
6524A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6525
65261. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
6527 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
6528 valuable scientific objectivity.
6529
65302. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
6531 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
6532 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
6533
65343. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
6535 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
6536%
6537A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6538
65394. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
6540 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
6541 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
6542 disability you may have experienced.
6543
65445. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
6545 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
6546 explained in terms that you would understand.
6547
65486. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
6549 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6550 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6551%
6552A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6553
65547. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6555 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6556 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6557
65588. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6559 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6560
65619. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6562 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6563 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6564 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6565
656610. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6567 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6568%
6569A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6570as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6571dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6572 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6573%
6574A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6575 -- Milton Berle
6576%
6577A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6578 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6579%
6580A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6581scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6582 -- Parkinson
6583%
6584A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6585 -- R. Stallman
6586%
6587A company is known by the men it keeps.
6588%
6589A complex system that works is invariably
6590found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6591%
6592A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6593 -- Victor Hugo
6594%
6595[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6596 -- Joseph Campbell
6597%
6598A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6599with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6600 -- Mitch Ratcliffe
6601%
6602A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6603the president one of the latest talking computers.
6604Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6605 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6606 speed of light?"
6607Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6608Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6609Computer: George Washington.
6610President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6611 Where is my father?"
6612Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6613President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6614 years ago!"
6615Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6616 landed a twelve pound bass.
6617%
6618A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6619the computer science student has run in to.
6620
6621CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6622 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6623 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6624 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6625 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6626 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6627 get the pointer value from there?
6628Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6629 make it point to the previous item.
6630CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6631 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6632 scope!
6633Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6634
6635And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6636%
6637A computer science student on an exam:
6638
6639 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just
6640 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently,
6641 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool
6642 news.
6643%
6644A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6645%
6646A computer, to print out a fact,
6647Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
6648 But this output can be
6649 No more than debris,
6650If the input was short of exact.
6651 -- Gigo
6652%
6653A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6654cake without ketchup and mustard.
6655%
6656A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6657%
6658A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6659do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6660 -- Fred Allen
6661%
6662A CONS is an object which cares.
6663 -- Bernie Greenberg.
6664%
6665A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6666 -- Elbert Hubbard
6667%
6668A conservative is a man
6669who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
6670 -- Alfred E. Wiggam
6671%
6672A conservative is a man
6673with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
6674 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
6675%
6676A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
6677is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
6678%
6679A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
6680 -- Dyer
6681%
6682A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
6683damned things is ample.
6684 -- Rebecca West
6685%
6686A couch is as good as a chair.
6687%
6688A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6689 -- Ben Franklin
6690%
6691A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6692beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6693one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6694like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6695Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6696his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6697Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6698 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6699man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6700license.
6701 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6702as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6703 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
6704there, he don't have one!"
6705%
6706A cousin of mine once said about money,
6707money is always there but the pockets change;
6708it is not in the same pockets after a change,
6709and that is all there is to say about money.
6710 -- Gertrude Stein
6711%
6712A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
6713in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
6714each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
6715and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
6716the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
6717 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
6718well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
6719houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
6720fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
6721of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
6722complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
6723ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
6724this central section.
6725 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
6726colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
6727brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
6728hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
6729%
6730A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
6731 -- Whitney Balliett
6732%
6733A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
6734qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
6735in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
6736%
6737A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
6738And had an affair with a Saracen.
6739 She was not oversexed,
6740 Or jealous or vexed,
6741She just wanted to make a comparison.
6742%
6743A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
6744 -- Edgar A. Shoaff
6745%
6746A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
6747%
6748A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
6749%
6750A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
6751%
6752A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
6753%
6754A day without sunshine is like night.
6755%
6756A dead man cannot bite.
6757 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
6758%
6759A debugged program is one for which you have
6760not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
6761 -- Jerry Ogdin
6762%
6763A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
6764Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
6765their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
6766society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
6767domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
6768is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
6769 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
6770%
6771A Difficulty for Every Solution.
6772 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
6773%
6774A diplomat is a man who can convince his
6775wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
6776%
6777A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
6778go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
6779 -- Samuel Clemens
6780%
6781A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
6782in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
6783 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
6784%
6785A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
6786 -- Robert Frost
6787%
6788A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
6789you will look forward to the trip.
6790%
6791A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
6792your birthday when you never look any older?"
6793%
6794A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
6795 -- Adlai Stevenson
6796%
6797A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
6798inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
6799of her life?"
6800 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
6801the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
6802condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
6803%
6804A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
6805%
6806A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
6807some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
6808that you only have six weeks to live."
6809 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
6810that?"
6811 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
6812last Monday."
6813%
6814A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
6815waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
6816lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
6817courtesy," he explained.
6818%
6819A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
6820 -- Ogden Nash
6821%
6822A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
6823what he meant.
6824 -- Wilson Mizner
6825%
6826A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
6827 -- Stanislaw Lem
6828%
6829A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
6830a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
6831a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
6832an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
6833%
6834A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
6835 -- Klipstein
6836%
6837A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
6838%
6839A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
6840 -- Publilius Syrus
6841%
6842A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
6843should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
6844she deserved.
6845 -- Robert A. Heinlein
6846%
6847A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
68481108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
6849the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
6850"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
6851cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
6852the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
6853with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
6854%
6855A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
6856 -- Winston Churchill
6857%
6858A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
6859%
6860A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
6861m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
6862alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
6863running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
6864m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
6865takes off and disappears into the distance.
6866 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
6867the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
6868sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
6869 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
6870me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
6871dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
6872So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
6873have a drumstick."
6874 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
6875 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
6876one yet."
6877%
6878A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
6879He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
6880to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
6881should be masculine or feminine.
6882 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
6883Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
6884 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
6885them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
6886went on their way rather quickly.
6887 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
6888belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
6889 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
6890asked.
6891 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
6892masculine."
6893 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
6894 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
6895it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
6896go!'"
6897
6898 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
6899 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
6900%
6901A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
6902%
6903A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
6904%
6905A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
6906rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
6907down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
6908on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
6909station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
6910drowned in the lake!"
6911 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
6912more chain than he can swim with?"
6913%
6914A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
6915A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
6916And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
6917A baby-sitter I've never yet
6918Baby-sits -- Had letters let
6919But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
6920
6921A batter bats
6922(Or scatters scats);
6923A potting shed's for potting;
6924But no one's found
6925A bounder bound
6926Or caught an otter otting.
6927 -- Ralph Lewin
6928%
6929A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
6930waiting for a taxi.
6931 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
6932 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
6933%
6934A fool and his honey are soon parted.
6935%
6936A fool and his money are soon popular.
6937%
6938A fool and your money are soon partners.
6939%
6940A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
6941A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
6942%
6943A fool must now and then be right by chance.
6944%
6945A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
6946 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6947%
6948A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
6949of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
6950%
6951A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
6952superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
6953 -- George Bernard Shaw
6954%
6955A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
6956 -- D. Gries
6957%
6958A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
6959%
6960A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
6961 -- Ruth Weston
6962%
6963"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
6964dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
6965 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
6966%
6967A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
6968 -- Adlai Stevenson
6969%
6970A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
6971 -- Robert Benchley
6972%
6973A friend in need is a pest indeed.
6974%
6975A friend is a present you give yourself.
6976 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
6977%
6978A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
6979You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
6980 -- Steven Wright
6981%
6982A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
6983lawyers more than he hates his wife.
6984%
6985A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
6986%
6987A full belly makes a dull brain.
6988 -- Ben Franklin
6989
6990 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
6991%
6992A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
6993people's demands.
6994%
6995A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
6996%
6997A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
6998he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
6999favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
7000facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
7001 -- H. L. Mencken
7002%
7003A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
7004His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
7005%
7006A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
7007that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
7008assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
7009They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
7010each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
7011the engineer:
7012
7013Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
7014Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
7015 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
7016 electrical shock to the horse.
7017G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
7018Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
7019 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
7020 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
7021G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
7022 I decide what to do. Physicist?
7023
7024Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
7025%
7026A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
7027ducks.
7028 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
7029%
7030A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
7031 -- Evan Esar
7032 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
7033%
7034A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
7035 -- Fred Allen
7036%
7037A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
7038%
7039A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
7040A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
7041But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*.
7042 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
7043%
7044A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
7045 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
7046%
7047A girl's best friend is her mutter.
7048 -- Dorothy Parker
7049%
7050A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
7051it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
7052%
7053A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
7054a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
7055%
7056A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
7057Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
7058The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
7059had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
7060firm tuft of grass.
7061 -- Donald A. Metz
7062%
7063A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
7064the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
7065rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
7066the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
7067penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
7068uncontrollable physical phenomena.
7069 -- Donald A. Metz
7070%
7071A good man always knows his limitations.
7072 -- Harry Callahan
7073%
7074A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
7075 -- Michel de Montaigne
7076%
7077A good memory does not equal pale ink.
7078%
7079A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
7080all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
7081 -- J. Hawes
7082%
7083A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
7084 -- Patton
7085%
7086A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
7087one-way street.
7088 -- Doug Linder
7089%
7090A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
7091into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
7092hope of greening the landscape of idea.
7093 -- John Ciardi
7094%
7095A good reputation is more valuable than money.
7096 -- Publilius Syrus
7097%
7098A good scapegoat is hard to find.
7099%
7100A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
7101%
7102A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
7103gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
7104then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
7105 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
7106%
7107A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
7108call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
7109"That's dynamite, baby."
7110 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
7111%
7112A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
7113you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
7114you about yourself.
7115 -- Lisa Kirk
7116%
7117A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
7118the table after you eat.
7119%
7120A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
7121 -- James Beard
7122%
7123A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
7124to take it all away.
7125 -- Barry Goldwater
7126%
7127A grammarian's life is always intense.
7128%
7129A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
7130 -- Ben Franklin
7131%
7132A great many people think they are thinking
7133when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
7134 -- William James
7135%
7136A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
7137man a century.
7138%
7139A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
7140green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
7141grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals
7142indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
7143bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
7144with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
7145of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
7146upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
7147store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
7148of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
7149properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
7150anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
7151geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
7152 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
7153%
7154A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
7155are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
7156not going to church on Sunday.
7157 -- Russell Baker
7158%
7159A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
7160 -- Carolyn Wells
7161%
7162A guy has to get fresh once in a while
7163so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
7164%
7165A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
7166%
7167A halted retreat
7168Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
7169To retain people as men -- and maidservants
7170Brings good fortune.
7171%
7172A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
7173%
7174A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
7175%
7176A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
7177%
7178A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
7179weight in other people's patience.
7180 -- John Updike
7181%
7182A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
7183
7184If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
7185a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
7186photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
7187you use?
7188
7189 -- Paul Harvey
7190%
7191A Hen Brooding Kittens
7192 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
7193a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
7194kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
7195says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
7196she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
7197felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
7198her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
7199 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
7200%
7201A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
7202%
7203A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
7204of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
7205 -- Adolf Hitler
7206%
7207A holding company is a thing where you hand
7208an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
7209%
7210A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
7211 "Hello?" his friend answers.
7212 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
7213 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
7214for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
7215studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
7216series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
7217I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
7218 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
7219%
7220A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
7221%
7222"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
7223The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you
7224talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.'
7225-- So I hit him."
7226 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
7227%
7228A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
7229 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
7230%
7231A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
7232%
7233A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
7234Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
7235 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
7236%
7237A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
7238 -- Helen Rowland
7239%
7240A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
7241 -- Don Marquis
7242%
7243A hypothetical paradox:
7244 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
7245who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
7246Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
7247 -- Tom Galloway
7248%
7249A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
7250C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
7251E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
7252G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
7253I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
7254K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
7255M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
7256O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
7257Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
7258S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
7259U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
7260W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
7261Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
7262 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
7263%
7264A is for Apple.
7265 -- Hester Pryne
7266%
7267A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
7268B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
7269C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
7270D is for dd, the command that does all.
7271E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
7272F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
7273G is for grep, a clever detective, while
7274H is for halt, which may seem defective.
7275I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
7276J is for join, which nobody uses.
7277K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
7278L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
7279M is for more, from which less was begot, and
7280N is for nice, which it really is not.
7281O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
7282P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
7283Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
7284R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
7285S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
7286T is for true, which does very little.
7287U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
7288V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
7289W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
7290X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
7291Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
7292Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
7293 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
7294%
7295A joint is just tea for two.
7296%
7297A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
7298%
7299A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
7300 -- Lao Tsu
7301%
7302A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
7303 -- Lao Tsu
7304%
7305A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
7306Earthen vessels
7307Simply handed in through the window.
7308There is certainly no blame in this.
7309%
7310A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
7311 -- Robert Frost
7312%
7313A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
7314good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
7315%
7316A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
7317%
7318A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
7319 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
7320%
7321A king's castle is his home.
7322%
7323A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
7324for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
7325words are superfluous.
7326%
7327A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
7328%
7329A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
7330 -- Lillian Day
7331%
7332A lady with one of her ears applied
7333To an open keyhole heard, inside,
7334Two female gossips in converse free --
7335The subject engaging them was she.
7336"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
7337That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
7338As soon as no more of it she could hear
7339The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
7340"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
7341"To hear my character lied about!"
7342 -- Gopete Sherany
7343%
7344A language that doesn't affect the way you
7345think about programming is not worth knowing.
7346%
7347A language that doesn't have everything is
7348actually easier to program in than some that do.
7349 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
7350%
7351A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
7352the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
7353and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
7354line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
7355do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
7356 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
7357there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
7358110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
7359third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
7360 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
7361this here corn liquor?"
7362 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
7363 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
7364"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
7365 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
7366a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
7367 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
7368with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
7369smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
7370want killed?"
7371%
7372A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
7373That is, they work by being declared to work.
7374 -- Anatol Holt
7375%
7376A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
7377Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
7378him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
7379quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
7380above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
7381"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
7382where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
7383So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
7384flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
7385"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
7386silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
7387to the flypaper with all the other flies.
7388
7389Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
7390 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
7391%
7392A Law of Computer Programming:
7393 Make it possible for programmers to write in English
7394 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
7395%
7396A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
7397 -- Robert Frost
7398%
7399A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
7400 -- Willis Player
7401%
7402A lie in time saves nine.
7403%
7404A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
7405trouble.
7406 -- Adlai Stevenson
7407%
7408A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
7409%
7410A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
7411%
7412A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
7413 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
7414%
7415A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
7416 -- Aristotle
7417%
7418A limerick packs laughs anatomical
7419Into space that is quite economical.
7420 But the good ones I've seen
7421 So seldom are clean,
7422And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
7423%
7424A LISP programmer knows the value of
7425everything, but the cost of nothing.
7426 -- Alan Perlis
7427%
7428A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
7429 -- Don Knuth
7430%
7431A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
7432%
7433A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
7434 -- C. E. Ayres
7435%
7436A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
7437 -- H. H. Munro, "Saki"
7438%
7439A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
7440right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
7441know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
7442little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
7443then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
7444%
7445A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
7446have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
7447those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
7448the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
7449APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
7450with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
7451 -- Fred Brooks
7452%
7453A little word of doubtful number,
7454A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
7455If you add an "s" to this,
7456Great is the metamorphosis.
7457Plural is plural now no more,
7458And sweet what bitter was before.
7459What am I?
7460%
7461A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
7462%
7463A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
7464%
7465A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
7466Buy the negatives at any price.
7467%
7468A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
7469%
7470A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
7471 -- Steve Wright
7472%
7473A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
7474and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
7475 -- Lew Col
7476%
7477A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
7478 -- Thomas Hardy
7479%
7480A major, with wonderful force,
7481Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
7482 All the flowers looked round,
7483 But no horse could be found;
7484So he just rhododendron, of course.
7485%
7486A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
7487 -- Carrie Snow
7488%
7489A man always needs to remember one thing about
7490a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
7491%
7492A man always remembers his first love with special
7493tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
7494 -- Mencken
7495%
7496A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
7497who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
7498lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
7499you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
7500her again. Okay?"
7501 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
7502on the side to make it interesting?"
7503%
7504A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
7505that it's cheating.
7506 -- Yves Montand
7507%
7508A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
7509or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
7510 -- Joan Rivers
7511%
7512A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
7513 -- Du Bois
7514%
7515A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
7516By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
7517was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
7518 "Is anybody there?"
7519A deep majestic voice answered,
7520 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
7521 "Help me!!" cried the man.
7522 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
7523you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
7524The man thought for a moment and cried out:
7525 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
7526%
7527A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
7528in the road.
7529 -- Alexander Smith
7530%
7531A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
7532next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
7533Polish."
7534 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
7535Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
7536 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
7537with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
7538the joke.
7539 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
7540 "Nah," says the man.
7541 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
7542man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
7543 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
7544five times."
7545%
7546A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
7547 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
7548%
7549A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
7550 -- Brendan Francis
7551%
7552A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
7553man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
7554whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
7555water..."
7556 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
7557with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
7558 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
7559 "They're only four dollars apiece."
7560 "I need *water*."
7561 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
7562 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
7563 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
7564and he heads off into the distance.
7565 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
7566Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
7567sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
7568staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
7569 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
7570 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
7571%
7572A man is known by the company he organizes.
7573 -- A. Bierce
7574%
7575A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
7576He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
7577 -- Richard Thompson
7578%
7579A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
7580 -- Groucho Marx
7581%
7582A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
7583longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
7584followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
7585other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
7586no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
7587 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
7588but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
7589the funeral for?"
7590 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
7591in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
7592attacked and killed her."
7593 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
7594don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
7595 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
7596%
7597A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
7598antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
7599from around here, are you?"
7600 "No," replies the man with the antennae.
7601 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
7602either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
7603 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
7604 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
7605there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
7606 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
7607 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
7608big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
7609Martians have that?"
7610 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
7611%
7612A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
7613bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
7614 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7615%
7616A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7617 -- Samuel Johnson
7618%
7619A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7620but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7621%
7622A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7623but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7624 -- John Heywood
7625%
7626A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7627His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7628 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7629%
7630A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7631%
7632A man said to the Universe:
7633 "Sir, I exist!"
7634 "However," replied the Universe,
7635 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7636 -- Stephen Crane
7637%
7638A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7639some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7640he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7641might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7642her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7643her aid.
7644 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7645by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7646in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7647 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7648 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7649just want to get my saddle back!"
7650%
7651A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7652he is able to answer.
7653 -- Ronald Colman
7654%
7655A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7656late card games.
7657 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7658he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7659into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7660tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7661wakes up and gives me hell."
7662 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7663 "You do?"
7664 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7665stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7666`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7667 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7668 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7669she's asleep."
7670%
7671A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7672 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7673why did you Di......eeee"
7674The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7675 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7676carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7677 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7678why....eeeee did you.."
7679 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7680Tell, me who is buried here?"
7681 "My wife's first husband."
7682%
7683A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7684 -- Soren Kierkegaard
7685%
7686A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7687in no other way.
7688%
7689A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
7690will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
7691%
7692A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
7693find a girl willing to listen to him.
7694%
7695A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
7696%
7697A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
7698%
7699A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7700A man with two watches is never quite sure.
7701%
7702A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
7703%
7704A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
7705%
7706A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
7707%
7708A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
7709destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
7710turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
7711would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
7712 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
7713%
7714A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
7715%
7716A man's best friend is his dogma.
7717%
7718A man's gotta know his limitations.
7719 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
7720%
7721A man's house is his castle.
7722 -- Sir Edward Coke
7723%
7724A man's house is his hassle.
7725%
7726A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
7727 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
7728 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
7729 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
7730 "What about you: do you see it?"
7731 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
7732on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
7733 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
7734 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
7735who is the one that wants to see it?"
7736%
7737A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
7738observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
7739they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
7740 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
7741yet save her!!"
7742 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
7743understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
7744from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
77456 feet high."
7746 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
7747%
7748A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
7749 -- P. Erdos
7750%
7751A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
7752%
7753A meeting is an event at which the
7754minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
7755%
7756A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
7757but to protect the writer.
7758 -- Dean Acheson
7759%
7760A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,
7761and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
7762 -- Leibnitz
7763%
7764A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
7765on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
7766game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
7767pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
7768along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
7769heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
7770around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
7771direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
7772paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
7773colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
7774fall over gently onto their backs.
7775 -- Audobon Society Magazine
7776
77772001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk:
7778
7779For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
7780monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as
7781Lynx helicopters passed overhead.
7782
7783"Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
7784said team leader Dr Richard Stone.
7785
7786"As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
7787calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
7788with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
7789really."
7790
7791The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
7792(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects"
7793on king penguins.
7794%
7795A mighty creature is the germ,
7796Though smaller than the pachyderm.
7797His customary dwelling place
7798Is deep within the human race.
7799His childish pride he often pleases
7800By giving people strange diseases.
7801Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
7802You probably contain a germ.
7803 -- Ogden Nash
7804%
7805A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
7806%
7807A modem is a baudy house.
7808%
7809A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
7810is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
7811 -- Goldsmith
7812%
7813A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
7814many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
7815the police.
7816 -- Mr. Dooley
7817%
7818A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
7819floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
7820its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
7821terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
7822Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
7823 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
7824children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
7825and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
7826proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
7827 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
7828you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
7829purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
7830language?"
7831%
7832A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
7833and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
7834 -- Frost
7835%
7836A motion to adjourn is always in order.
7837%
7838A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
7839%
7840A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
7841%
7842A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
7843%
7844A musician, an artist, an architect:
7845 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
7846 -- William Blake
7847%
7848A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
7849 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
7850%
7851A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
7852 -- Gore Vidal
7853%
7854A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
7855%
7856A national debt, if it is not excessive,
7857will be to us a national blessing.
7858 -- Alexander Hamilton
7859%
7860A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
7861loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
7862the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
7863asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
7864%
7865A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
7866discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
7867still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
7868same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
78693,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
7870 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
7871ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
7872%
7873A new dramatist of the absurd
7874Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
7875 I learn from my spies
7876 He's about to devise
7877An unprintable three-letter word.
7878%
7879A new koan:
7880 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
7881 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
7882It is an ice cream koan.
7883%
7884A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
7885Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
7886now has no excuse for further procrastination.
7887%
7888A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
7889had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
7890come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
7891catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
7892the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
7893it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
7894in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
7895 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
7896%
7897A New Way of Taking Pills
7898 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
7899having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
7900small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
7901will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
7902 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
7903%
7904A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
7905rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
7906%
7907A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
7908on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
7909over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
7910As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
7911from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
7912"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
7913you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
7914 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7915 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
7916 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7917 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
7918 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7919 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
7920to his death.
7921 "DUMB YANKEE."
7922%
7923A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
7924by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
7925out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
7926that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
7927himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
7928the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
7929 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
7930onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
7931 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
7932gallon or two."
7933%
7934A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
7935 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
7936%
7937A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
7938 -- Yogi Berra
7939%
7940A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be
7941passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency.
7942 -- J. K. Galbraith
7943%
7944A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
7945"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
7946 -- Mahatma Ghandi
7947%
7948A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
7949 -- Phyllis Schlafly
7950%
7951A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
7952
7953"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
7954
7955The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
7956relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
7957before replying.
7958
7959"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
7960
7961With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
7962enlightenment, several years later.
7963
7964Commentary:
7965
7966His Master is kind,
7967Answering his FAQ quickly,
7968With thought and sarcasm.
7969%
7970A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
7971%
7972A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
7973 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
7974%
7975A Parable of Modern Research:
7976
7977 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
7978brightly lit corner.
7979 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
7980 "I can only see here."
7981%
7982A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
7983 -- William S. Burroughs
7984%
7985A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
7986 -- Gloria Steinem
7987%
7988A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
7989%
7990"A penny for your thoughts?"
7991"A dollar for your death."
7992 -- The Odd Couple
7993%
7994A penny saved has not been spent.
7995%
7996A penny saved is a penny taxed.
7997%
7998A penny saved is ridiculous.
7999%
8000A penny saved kills your career in government.
8001%
8002A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
8003govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
8004on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
8005itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
8006manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
8007 -- Anatole France
8008%
8009A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
8010who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
8011speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
8012unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
8013 -- Thackeray
8014%
8015A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
8016%
8017A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
8018%
8019A person who has both feet planted firmly
8020in the air can be safely called a liberal.
8021%
8022A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
8023A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
8024%
8025A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
8026schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
8027 -- Donald Knuth
8028%
8029A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
8030 -- Elbert Hubbard
8031%
8032A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
8033 -- George Wald
8034%
8035A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
8036gets out and goes into the office.
8037 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
8038 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
8039 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
8040check."
8041 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
8042truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
8043acceptable.
8044 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
8045 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
8046check," he says.
8047 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
8048conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
8049"we're building a house".
8050%
8051A pig is a jolly companion,
8052Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
8053A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
8054Though mountains may topple and tilt.
8055When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
8056When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
8057Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
8058You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
8059You'll never go wrong with a pig!
8060 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
8061%
8062A pipe gives a wise man time to think
8063and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
8064%
8065A place for everything and everything in its place.
8066 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
8067
8068 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
8069 referring to memory management system services.]
8070%
8071A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
8072 -- Stanley Baldwin
8073%
8074A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
8075contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
8076edible nutriments.
8077%
8078A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
8079%
8080A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
8081%
8082A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
8083about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
8084money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
8085finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
8086 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
8087 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
8088the teller says.
8089 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
8090 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
8091to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
8092 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
8093 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
8094paycheck?"
8095 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
8096%
8097A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
8098but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
8099 -- Jean Paul Sartre
8100%
8101A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
8102 -- Walt Kelly
8103%
8104A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
8105%
8106"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
8107 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
8108%
8109A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
8110Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
8111But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
8112 -- Lazarus Long
8113%
8114A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
8115 -- K. Brecher
8116%
8117A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
8118last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
8119of yours to press against my heart.
8120 -- Goethe
8121%
8122A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
8123%
8124A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
8125Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
8126%
8127A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
8128
8129And he answered:
8130
8131It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
8132
8133It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
8134
8135It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
8136upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
8137to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
8138
8139And that is Fate? said the priest.
8140
8141Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
8142
8143That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
8144too.
8145 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
8146%
8147A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
8148 -- George Eliot
8149%
8150A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
8151asks you not to kill him.
8152 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
8153%
8154A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
8155 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8156%
8157A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
8158%
8159A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
8160being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
8161incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
8162assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
8163and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
8164dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
8165annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
8166unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
8167 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
8168%
8169A programming language is low level
8170when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
8171%
8172A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
8173drink with -- even if he drank.
8174 -- Mencken
8175%
8176A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
8177watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
8178looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
8179tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
8180they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
8181by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
8182killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
8183could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
8184emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
8185the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
8186%
8187A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
8188getting more sex than you are.
8189 -- Victor Lownes
8190%
8191A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
8192by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
8193 -- Aristotle
8194%
8195A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
8196your wife asks you for nothing.
8197 -- Joey Adams
8198%
8199A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
8200your wife will give you for free.
8201%
8202A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
8203too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
8204was intended for her preservation.
8205 -- Colton
8206%
8207A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
8208"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
8209the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
8210to make a travesty of the game.
8211 -- Donald A. Metz
8212%
8213A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
8214over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
8215 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
8216Bishop."
8217 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
8218 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
8219might be made an Archbishop."
8220 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
8221 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
8222 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
8223 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
8224be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
8225 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
8226up from being the Pope?"
8227 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
8228 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
8229%
8230A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
8231blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
8232 -- Steel City News
8233%
8234A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
8235entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
8236 -- Saul Alinsky
8237%
8238"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
8239%
8240A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
8241
8242Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
8243"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
8244bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
8245lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
8246breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
8247Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of
8248the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt
8249thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
8250proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being
8251the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
8252Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
8253shall snuff it."
8254 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
8255%
8256A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
8257his neighbor notice it.
8258 -- Trygve Lie
8259%
8260A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
8261commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
8262 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
8263the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
8264field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
8265room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
8266beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
8267 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
8268looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
8269obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
8270%
8271A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
8272A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
8273%
8274A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
8275 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
8276%
8277A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
8278ticket and rejoices that the system works.
8279%
8280A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
8281objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
8282scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
8283needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
8284%
8285A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
8286help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this
8287out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
8288pub!"
8289%
8290A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
8291people what to do with their money.
8292 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
8293%
8294A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
8295 -- Ramsey Clark
8296%
8297A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
8298not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
8299rosewater.
8300%
8301A robin redbreast in a cage
8302Puts all Heaven in a rage.
8303 -- Blake
8304%
8305A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
8306man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
8307 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
8308%
8309A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
8310%
8311A rolling stone gathers momentum.
8312%
8313A rolling stone gathers no moss.
8314 -- Publilius Syrus
8315%
8316A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
8317demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
8318holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
8319Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
8320 -- Plutarch
8321%
8322A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
8323weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
8324banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
8325The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
8326the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
8327is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
8328monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
8329plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
8330weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
8331the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
8332was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
8333will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
8334as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
8335was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
8336when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
8337%
8338A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
8339PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
8340Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
8341with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
8342joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
8343drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
8344up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
8345good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
8346true. I'm very good in beds as well."
8347%
8348A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
8349If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
8350 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
8351%
8352A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
8353%
8354A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
8355Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
8356 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
8357
8358I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
8359 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
8360 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
8361 on Broadway".
8362%
8363A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
8364vocation?"
8365 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
8366their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
8367the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
8368such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
8369their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
8370the vocation must fit the individual.
8371 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
8372scholar sobbed.
8373 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
8374%
8375A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
8376making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
8377die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
8378 -- Max Planck
8379%
8380A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
8381the vexation of thinking.
8382 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
8383%
8384A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
8385of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
8386water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
8387of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
8388
8389It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
8390recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
8391ground.
8392 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
8393%
8394A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
8395him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
8396worth committing.
8397 -- Samuel Butler
8398%
8399A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
8400 -- Don Marquis
8401%
8402A Severe Strain on the Credulity
8403 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
8404highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
8405is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
8406multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
8407for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
8408flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
8409charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
8410Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
8411know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
8412better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
8413lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
8414 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
8415%
8416A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
8417thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
8418problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
8419aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
8420away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
8421participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
8422will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
8423men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
8424idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
8425the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
8426submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
8427is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
8428 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
8429%
8430A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
8431 -- Prof. Steiner
8432%
8433A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
8434 -- Joseph Stalin
8435%
8436A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
8437All tenderly his messenger he chose;
8438Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
8439One perfect rose.
8440
8441I knew the language of the floweret;
8442"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
8443Love long has taken for his amulet
8444One perfect rose.
8445
8446Why is it no one ever sent me yet
8447One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
8448Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
8449One perfect rose.
8450 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
8451%
8452A sinking ship gathers no moss.
8453 -- Donald Kaul
8454%
8455A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
8456%
8457A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
8458%
8459A snake lurks in the grass.
8460 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
8461%
8462A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
8463African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
8464Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
8465%
8466A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
8467the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
8468which is on its way out.
8469 -- L. Ron Hubbard
8470%
8471A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
8472 -- Proverbs 15:1
8473%
8474A soft drink turneth away company.
8475%
8476A song in time is worth a dime.
8477%
8478A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
8479family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
8480when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
8481and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
8482 "How are you?" they ask.
8483 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
8484 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
8485 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
8486that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
8487he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
8488dollars."
8489 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
8490Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
8491at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
8492enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
8493"Where's Old Blue?"
8494 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
8495talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
8496well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
8497that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
8498years?'"
8499 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
8500%
8501A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
8502%
8503A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
8504 -- Harry S. Truman
8505%
8506A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
8507probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
8508the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
8509Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
8510%
8511A stitch in time saves nine.
8512%
8513"...A strange enigma is man!"
8514"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
8515 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
8516that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
8517becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
8518any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
8519will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
8520the statistician."
8521 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
8522%
8523A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
8524 -- O'Henry
8525%
8526A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
8527bad measures.
8528 -- Daniel Webster
8529%
8530A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
8531As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
8532student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
8533the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
8534the student with a stick.
8535%
8536A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
8537%
8538A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
8539%
8540A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
8541undreamed of by its author.
8542 -- S. C. Johnson
8543%
8544A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
8545thought of.
8546 -- Burt Bacharach
8547%
8548A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
8549Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
8550other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
8551new versions of their own innards!
8552 -- Michael O'Brien
8553%
8554A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8555 -- by Charles Dickens
8556
8557 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
8558
8559The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
8560 -- by Franz Kafka
8561
8562 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
8563
8564Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
8565 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
8566
8567 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
8568
8569Hamlet LITE(tm)
8570 -- by Wm. Shakespeare
8571
8572 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
8573 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
8574%
8575A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8576 -- by Charles Dickens
8577
8578 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
8579 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
8580 lady who knits.
8581
8582Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
8583 -- by Fyodor Dostoevski
8584
8585 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
8586 feels guilty and apologizes.
8587
8588The Odyssey LITE(tm)
8589 -- by Homer
8590
8591 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
8592%
8593A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
8594%
8595A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
8596%
8597A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
8598 -- Michael Winner, British film director
8599%
8600A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
8601of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
8602*Boston*."
8603 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
8604 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
8605help?"
8606%
8607A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
8608 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
8609%
8610A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
8611 -- Diane Duane
8612%
8613A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
8614and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8615 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8616%
8617A transistor protected by a fast-acting
8618fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
8619%
8620A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
8621wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
8622Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
8623sitting in the yard watching the pig.
8624 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
8625 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
8626was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
8627pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
8628 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
8629 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
8630the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
8631That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
8632Saved my life."
8633 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
8634three wooden legs?"
8635 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
8636got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
8637%
8638A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
8639triangle.
8640%
8641A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
8642drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
8643 -- Shaw
8644%
8645A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8646%
8647A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8648%
8649A truth that's told with bad intent
8650Beats all the lies you can invent.
8651 -- William Blake
8652%
8653A university is what a college becomes
8654when the faculty loses interest in students.
8655 -- John Ciardi
8656%
8657"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
8658 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
8659%
8660A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
8661Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
8662 She found a good way
8663 To combine work and play:
8664She sells C shells by the seashore.
8665%
8666A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
8667than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
8668 -- Tennessee Williams
8669%
8670A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
8671 -- Samuel Goldwyn
8672%
8673A very intelligent turtle
8674Found programming UNIX a hurdle
8675 The system, you see,
8676 Ran as slow as did he,
8677And that's not saying much for the turtle.
8678%
8679A violent man will die a violent death.
8680 -- Lao Tsu
8681%
8682A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
8683%
8684A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
8685%
8686A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
8687%
8688A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
8689 -- Ziggy
8690%
8691A watched clock never boils.
8692%
8693A well adjusted person is one who makes
8694the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
8695%
8696A well-known friend is a treasure.
8697%
8698A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
8699A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
8700Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
8701Software rots if not used.
8702
8703These are great mysteries.
8704 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
8705%
8706A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
8707 -- Addison
8708%
8709A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
8710*for the rest of your life*.
8711 -- Jim Samuels
8712%
8713A wise man can see more from a mountain top
8714than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
8715%
8716A wise man can see more from the bottom
8717of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
8718%
8719A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
8720 -- Chinese proverb
8721%
8722A witty saying proves nothing.
8723 -- Voltaire
8724%
8725A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
8726people's attention.
8727%
8728A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
8729let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
8730there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
8731completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
8732beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
8733It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
8734near your person at all times.
8735 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
8736%
8737A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
8738were quite a struggle.
8739 -- Edna Ferber
8740%
8741A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
8742%
8743A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
8744To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
8745 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
8746%
8747A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
8748 -- Scott
8749%
8750A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
8751of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
8752 -- Jane Austen
8753%
8754A woman forgives the audacity of which
8755her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
8756 -- LeSage
8757%
8758A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
8759thankful for a good one.
8760 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
8761%
8762A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
8763she follows.
8764 -- Chamfort
8765%
8766A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
8767it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
8768 -- Nietzsche
8769%
8770A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
8771and stupid.
8772 -- Adolf Hitler
8773%
8774A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
8775over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
8776pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
8777 -- Stendhal
8778%
8779A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
8780physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
8781when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
8782 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
8783%
8784A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
8785 -- Maurine Lewis
8786%
8787A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
8788came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
8789 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
8790 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
8791(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
8792 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
8793one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
8794a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
8795the circumstances.
8796 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
8797phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
8798an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
8799his head!"
8800 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
8801up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
8802surprise for you!"
8803 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
8804%
8805A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8806 -- Gloria Steinem
8807%
8808A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8809Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
8810%
8811A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
8812 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
8813%
8814A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
8815%
8816A word to the wise is enough.
8817 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8818%
8819A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
8820that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
8821watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
8822myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
8823and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
8824"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
8825to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
8826%
8827A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
8828what he writes fiction.
8829 -- William Faulkner
8830%
8831A yawn is a silent shout.
8832 -- G. K. Chesterton
8833%
8834A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
8835%
8836A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
8837bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
8838 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
8839%
8840A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
8841a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
8842have that!" she gushed.
8843 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
8844window and grabbing the ring.
8845 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
8846I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
8847 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
8848the coat.
8849 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
8850anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
8851 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
8852%
8853A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
8854walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
8855woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
8856says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
8857allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
8858 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
8859pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
8860 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
8861 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
8862I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
8863 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
8864calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
8865at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
8866can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
8867 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
8868of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
8869 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
8870The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
8871you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
8872 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
8873terrific weekend."
8874%
8875A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
8876
8877Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
8878 suggestions as to how to get started?"
8879A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
8880 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
8881Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
8882A: "But I never asked anybody how."
8883%
8884A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
8885%
8886AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
8887You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
8888%
8889Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
8890%
8891Abbott's Admonitions:
8892 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
8893 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
8894 the question.
8895 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
8896%
8897Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
8898on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
8899%
8900Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
8901Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
8902And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
8903Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
8904An angel writing in a book of gold.
8905Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
8906And to the presence in the room he said,
8907"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
8908And with a look made of all sweet accord,
8909Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
8910"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
8911Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
8912But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
8913Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
8914The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
8915It came again with a great wakening light,
8916And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
8917And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
8918 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
8919%
8920About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
8921%
8922About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
8923%
8924About the only thing we have left that actually
8925discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
8926%
8927About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
8928 -- Herbert Hoover
8929%
8930About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
8931ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
8932 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8933%
8934Above all else - sky.
8935%
8936Above all things, reverence yourself.
8937%
8938Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
8939%
8940abscond, v:
8941 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
8942 and miss the return train.
8943%
8944Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
8945great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
8946 -- La Rochefoucauld
8947%
8948Absence in love is like water upon fire;
8949a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
8950 -- Hannah More
8951%
8952Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
8953it enkindles the great.
8954%
8955Absence makes the heart forget.
8956%
8957Absence makes the heart go wander.
8958%
8959Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
8960 -- Sextus Aurelius
8961%
8962Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
8963%
8964Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
8965%
8966Absent, adj.:
8967 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
8968slandered.
8969%
8970Absentee, n.:
8971 A person with an income who has had the forethought
8972 to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
8973 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8974%
8975Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
8976%
8977Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
8978 -- Stafford Beer
8979%
8980Abstainer, n.:
8981 A weak person who yields to the
8982 temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
8983 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8984%
8985Abstract:
8986 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
8987of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
8988and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
8989men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
8990their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
8991evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
8992test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
8993performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
8994immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
8995 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
8996 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
8997 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
8998%
8999Absurdity, n.:
9000 A statement or belief manifestly
9001 inconsistent with one's own opinion.
9002 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9003%
9004Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
9005because the stakes are so low.
9006 -- Wallace Sayre
9007%
9008Academicians care, that's who.
9009%
9010ACADEMY:
9011 A modern school where football is taught.
9012INSTITUTE:
9013 An archaic school where football is not taught.
9014%
9015Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
9016%
9017Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
9018%
9019ACCEPTANCE TESTING:
9020 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
9021%
9022Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
9023religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
9024Western science.
9025 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
9026%
9027Accident:
9028 A condition in which presence of mind is good,
9029 but absence of body is better.
9030 -- Foolish Dictionary
9031%
9032Accident, n.:
9033 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
9034body is better.
9035%
9036Accidentally Shot
9037 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
9038in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
9039bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
9040Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
9041 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
9042%
9043Accidents cause History.
9044
9045If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
9046Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
9047have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
9048could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
9049the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
9050 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9051%
9052According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
9053everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
9054national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
9055smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
9056most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
9057that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
9058Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
9059parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
9060decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
9061a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
9062sheepish grin" comes from.
9063%
9064According to all the latest reports,
9065there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
9066%
9067According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
9068shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
9069fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
9070of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
9071the returns."
9072%
9073According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
9074and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
9075and a void.
9076 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
9077%
9078According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
9079 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
9080%
9081According to the latest official figures,
908243% of all statistics are totally worthless.
9083%
9084According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
9085dies.
9086%
9087According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
9088America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
9089Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
9090beat up their city anytime.
9091 -- David Letterman
9092%
9093Accordion, n.:
9094 A bagpipe with pleats.
9095%
9096Accuracy, n.:
9097 The vice of being right
9098%
9099Acid -- better living through chemistry.
9100%
9101Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
9102%
9103Acquaintance, n:
9104 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
9105 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
9106 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
9107 -- Ambrose Bierce
9108%
9109Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
9110%
9111Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
9112and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
9113well, I think of my sex life.
9114 -- Glenda Jackson
9115%
9116Actor Real Name
9117
9118Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
9119Cary Grant Archibald Leach
9120Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
9121Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
9122John Wayne Marion Morrison
9123Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
9124Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
9125Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
9126Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
9127%
9128Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
9129 everyone glued in their seats!"
9130Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
9131 it!"
9132%
9133Actor: So what do you do for a living?
9134Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
9135 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
9136 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
9137%
9138Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
9139%
9140Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
9141 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford,
9142 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
9143%
9144Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
9145%
9146Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
9147will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
9148
9149N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
9150 only have one floor to go to.
9151
9152Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
9153 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
9154 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
9155 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
9156 it is true for all N+1 floors.
9157QED.
9158%
9159Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
9160%
9161ADA:
9162 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
9163 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
9164 an ADA awareness.
9165 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
9166%
9167Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
9168[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
9169 -- Ovid
9170%
9171Adding features does not necessarily increase
9172functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
9173%
9174Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
9175 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
9176
9177Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
9178close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
9179scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
9180 -- George Washington, 1732-1799
9181%
9182Adding sound to movies would be like
9183putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
9184 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
9185%
9186Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
9187something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
9188decorous age.
9189 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
9190%
9191Adler's Distinction:
9192 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
9193 and from the bureaucrats.
9194%
9195Admiration, n.:
9196 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
9197 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9198%
9199Adolescence, n.:
9200 The stage between puberty and adultery.
9201%
9202"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
9203like you ..."
9204 -- Gilda Radner
9205%
9206Adore, v.:
9207 To venerate expectantly.
9208 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9209%
9210Adult, n.:
9211 One old enough to know better.
9212%
9213Adults die young.
9214%
9215Advancement in position.
9216%
9217Advertisements contain the only
9218truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
9219 -- Thomas Jefferson
9220%
9221Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
9222way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
9223 -- Sinclair Lewis
9224%
9225Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
9226 -- George Orwell
9227%
9228Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
9229intelligence long enough to get money from it.
9230%
9231Advertising Rule:
9232 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
9233 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
9234 that it is curable.
9235%
9236Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
9237%
9238Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
9239%
9240Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
9241then at least be aseptic.
9242%
9243African violet: Such worth is rare
9244Apple blossom: Preference
9245Bachelor's button: Celibacy
9246Bay leaf: I change but in death
9247Camelia: Reflected loveliness
9248Chrysanthemum, red: I love
9249Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
9250Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
9251Clover: Be mine
9252Crocus: Abuse not
9253Daffodil: Innocence
9254Forget-me-not: True love
9255Fuchsia: Fast
9256Gardenia: Secret, untold love
9257Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
9258Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
9259Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
9260Leaves (dead): Melancholy
9261Lilac: Youthful innocence
9262Lilly: Purity, sweetness
9263Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness
9264Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
9265 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
9266%
9267After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
9268comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
9269except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
9270is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
9271under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
9272permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
9273especially that which is prohibited.
9274 -- Newton Minow, 1985,
9275 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools
9276%
9277After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
9278It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
9279more advanced than the lichen family.
9280 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
9281%
9282After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
9283%
9284After a while you learn the subtle difference
9285Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
9286And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
9287And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
9288And presents aren't promises
9289And you begin to accept your defeats
9290With your head up and your eyes open,
9291With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
9292And you learn to build all your roads
9293On today because tomorrow's ground
9294Is too uncertain. And futures have
9295A way of falling down in midflight,
9296After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
9297So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
9298For someone to bring you flowers.
9299And you learn that you really can endure...
9300That you really are strong,
9301And you really do have worth
9302And you learn and learn
9303With every goodbye you learn.
9304 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
9305%
9306After all, all he did was string together
9307a lot of old, well-known quotations.
9308 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
9309%
9310After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
9311%
9312After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
9313 -- Jean Giraudoux
9314%
9315After all my erstwhile dear,
9316My no longer cherished,
9317Need we say it was not love,
9318Just because it perished?
9319 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
9320%
9321After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
9322you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
9323sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
9324 -- P. J. O'Rourke
9325%
9326After an instrument has been assembled,
9327extra components will be found on the bench.
9328%
9329After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
9330month than you did before.
9331%
9332After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
9333have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
9334James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
9335electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
9336is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
9337of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
9338though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
9339Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
9340medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
9341seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
9342watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
9343that it sinks like a stone.
9344 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9345%
9346After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
9347claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
9348in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
9349bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
9350judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
9351 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
9352Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
9353this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
9354take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
9355perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
9356 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
9357Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
9358where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
9359%
9360"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
9361the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
9362cost to others, to win advancement."
9363 -- Norman Thomas
9364%
9365After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
9366%
9367After living in New York, you trust nobody,
9368but you believe everything. Just in case.
9369%
9370...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
9371Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
9372I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
9373and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
9374Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
9375did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
9376development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
9377one foot in his mouth.)
9378 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
9379%
9380After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
9381 -- Italian proverb
9382%
9383After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
9384by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
9385with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
9386carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
9387 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
9388%
9389After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
9390cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
9391%
9392After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
9393throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
9394Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
9395at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
9396his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
9397with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
9398that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
9399Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
9400first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
9401single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
9402According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
9403the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
9404charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
9405 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
9406
9407Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
9408precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
9409Nobel Prize in 1923.
9410%
9411After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
9412the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
9413the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
9414any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
9415deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
9416
9417The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
9418Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
9419But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
9420or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
9421burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
9422neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
9423oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
9424
9425Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
9426straight to the point.
9427 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
9428%
9429After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
9430indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
9431%
9432After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
9433%
9434Afternoon, n.:
9435 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
9436morning.
9437%
9438Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
9439%
9440Against Idleness and Mischief
9441
9442How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
9443Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
9444And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
9445From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
9446
9447In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
9448I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
9449For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
9450For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
9451 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
9452%
9453Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
9454 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
9455%
9456Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
9457%
9458Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
9459 -- Dorothy Parker
9460%
9461Age is a tyrant who forbids,
9462at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
9463%
9464Age, n.:
9465 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
9466still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
9467to commit.
9468 -- Ambrose Bierce
9469%
9470Agnes' Law:
9471 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
9472%
9473Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
9474%
9475Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
9476Or what's a heaven for ?
9477 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
9478%
9479Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
9480there's the rub.
9481
9482For all dreams are not equal,
9483some exit to nightmare
9484most end with the dreamer
9485
9486But at least one must be lived ... and died.
9487%
9488Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
9489"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
9490And I answer them most mysteriously:
9491"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
9492 -- Bob Dylan
9493%
9494Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
9495%
9496Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
9497%
9498Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
9499%
9500"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
9501Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
9502that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
9503unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
9504up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
9505 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
9506%
9507Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
9508%
9509Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
9510excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
9511%
9512Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
9513Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
9514Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
9515Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
9516%
9517Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
9518 -- W. Clement Stone
9519%
9520Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
9521 -- The Mad Dogtender
9522%
9523Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
9524bring me a message from a young man.
9525 -- Moms Mabley
9526%
9527"Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
9528Kansas City."
9529 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
9530 been traded.
9531%
9532AIR:
9533 A nutritious substance supplied by
9534 a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
9535 -- Ambrose Bierce
9536%
9537Air Force Inertia Axiom:
9538 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
9539%
9540Air is water with holes in it.
9541%
9542Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
9543%
9544Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
9545 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
9546 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
9547%
9548Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
9549 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
9550%
9551Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
9552machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
9553as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
9554 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9555%
9556Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
9557 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
9558%
9559Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
9560 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
9561%
9562ALASKA:
9563 A prelude to "No."
9564%
9565Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
9566or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
9567a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
9568Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
9569 -- Tom Robbins
9570%
9571Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
9572telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
9573York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
9574And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
9575receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
9576%
9577ALBRECHT'S LAW:
9578 Social innovations tend to the level
9579 of minimum tolerable well-being.
9580%
9581Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
9582The surest poison is time.
9583 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
9584%
9585Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
9586 -- George Bernard Shaw
9587%
9588Alden's Laws:
9589 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
9590 of pregnancy.
9591 (2) Always be backlit.
9592 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
9593%
9594Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
9595Aleph-null bottles of beer,
9596You take one down, and pass it around,
9597Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
9598%
9599Alex Haley was adopted!
9600%
9601Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
9602in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
9603%
9604Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
9605the closest our country has ever been to being even.
9606 -- The Best of Will Rogers
9607%
9608Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
9609 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
9610%
9611Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
9612important programming language yet developed.
9613 -- T. Cheatham
9614%
9615ALGORITHM:
9616 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
9617%
9618Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
9619%
9620Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
9621them keeps paying for it.
9622 -- Peggy Joyce
9623%
9624Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
9625 -- Arthur Baer
9626%
9627Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
9628 -- Norman Mailer
9629%
9630Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
9631%
9632Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
9633%
9634Alive without breath,
9635As cold as death;
9636Never thirsty, ever drinking,
9637All in mail ever clinking.
9638%
9639All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
9640%
9641All art is but imitation of nature.
9642 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
9643%
9644All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
9645 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
9646 Catiline", by Sallust
9647%
9648All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
9649than others.
9650 -- Alan Truscott
9651%
9652All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
9653 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
9654%
9655All constants are variables.
9656%
9657All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
9658 -- Chou En Lai
9659%
9660All extremists should be taken out and shot.
9661%
9662All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
9663without thinking.
9664%
9665All flesh is grass.
9666 -- Isaiah
9667Smoke a friend today.
9668%
9669All generalizations are false, including this one.
9670 -- Mark Twain
9671%
9672All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
9673barely presentable.
9674 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
9675%
9676All Gods were immortal.
9677 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
9678%
9679All great discoveries are made by mistake.
9680 -- Young
9681%
9682All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
9683%
9684All heiresses are beautiful.
9685 -- John Dryden
9686%
9687All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
9688to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
9689 -- Yoda
9690%
9691All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
9692 -- Dante Alighieri
9693%
9694All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
9695%
9696All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
9697importance.
9698%
9699All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
9700by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
9701%
9702All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
9703ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
9704 -- Kingfish
9705%
9706All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
9707makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
9708an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
9709 -- Samuel Beckett
9710%
9711All I need to have a good time,
9712Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9713With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
9714A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9715
9716All I want is to never grow old,
9717I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9718I want 97 kilos already rolled,
9719I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9720
9721I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
9722I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9723I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
9724I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9725 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
9726%
9727All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
9728 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
9729%
9730All intelligent species own cats.
9731%
9732All is fear in love and war.
9733%
9734All is well that ends well.
9735 -- John Heywood
9736%
9737All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
9738throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
9739practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
9740Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
9741that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
9742that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
9743%
9744All kings is mostly rapscallions.
9745 --Mark Twain
9746%
9747All laws are simulations of reality.
9748 -- John C. Lilly
9749%
9750All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
9751 -- Dawkins
9752%
9753All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
9754Socrates.
9755 -- Woody Allen
9756%
9757All men have the right to wait in line.
9758%
9759All men know the utility of useful things;
9760but they do not know the utility of futility.
9761 -- Chuang-tzu
9762%
9763All men profess honesty as long as they can.
9764To believe all men honest would be folly.
9765To believe none so is something worse.
9766 -- John Quincy Adams
9767%
9768All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
9769a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
9770Definitely a dog.
9771%
9772All most people ask of life is a constant
9773and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
9774%
9775All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
9776%
9777All my friends and I are crazy.
9778That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
9779%
9780All my friends are getting married,
9781Yes, they're all growing old,
9782They're all staying home on the weekend,
9783They're all doing what they're told.
9784%
9785All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
9786 -- Jane Wagner
9787%
9788ALL NEW:
9789 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
9790%
9791All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
9792the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
9793%
9794All of the animals except man know that
9795the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
9796%
9797All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
9798synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
9799rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
9800of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
9801 -- Stephen Wright
9802%
9803All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
9804 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
9805%
9806All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
9807Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
9808tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
9809"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
9810 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
9811%
9812All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
9813the United States.
9814 -- Vic Gold
9815%
9816All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
9817parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
9818can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
9819not use a hammer.
9820 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
9821%
9822All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
9823 -- Groucho Marx
9824%
9825All phone calls are obscene.
9826 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
9827%
9828All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
9829 -- Susan Sontag
9830%
9831All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
9832%
9833All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
9834those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
9835of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
9836goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
9837and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
9838the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
9839the last bug."
9840 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
9841%
9842All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
9843%
9844All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
9845to live beyond its income.
9846 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
9847%
9848All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
9849 -- Ernest Rutherford
9850%
9851All seems condemned in the long run
9852to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
9853 -- James Martin
9854%
9855All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
9856 -- Saint Patrick
9857%
9858All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
9859%
9860All that glitters has a high refractive index.
9861%
9862All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
9863%
9864All that is gold does not glitter,
9865Not all those who wander are lost;
9866The old that is strong does not wither,
9867Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
9868From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
9869A light from the shadows shall spring;
9870Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
9871The crownless again shall be king.
9872 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
9873%
9874All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
9875too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
9876subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
9877can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
9878Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
9879decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
9880if it rains?"
9881 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
9882%
9883All the evidence concerning the universe
9884has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
9885%
9886All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
9887It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
9888With all the words gone, They all had their day
9889What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
9890
9891But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
9892And all the lines read, So small and so tender
9893There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
9894And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
9895
9896It reminds me of days of So what is this line
9897Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
9898It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
9899And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
9900
9901I've read all the greats
9902Both starving and fat,
9903But none was as great as
9904"I tot I taw a puddy tat."
9905 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
9906%
9907All the men on my staff can type.
9908 -- Bella Abzug
9909%
9910...all the modern inconveniences...
9911 -- Mark Twain
9912%
9913All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
9914ridiculous ones.
9915 -- La Rochefoucauld
9916%
9917All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
9918 -- Grant Wood
9919%
9920All the simple programs have been written.
9921%
9922All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
9923the government in less than a second.
9924 -- Jim Fiebig
9925%
9926All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
9927%
9928All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
9929 -- Sean O'Casey
9930%
9931All the world's a VAX,
9932And all the coders merely butchers;
9933They have their exits and their entrails;
9934And one int in his time plays many widths,
9935His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant,
9936Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
9937And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
9938And shining morning face, creeping like slug
9939Unwillingly to school.
9940 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
9941%
9942All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
9943and all theoretical chemists know it.
9944 -- Richard P. Feynman
9945%
9946All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
9947%
9948All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
9949%
9950All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
9951 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
9952%
9953All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
9954it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
9955 -- Henry Tyroon
9956%
9957All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
9958%
9959All warranty and guarantee clauses
9960become null and void upon payment of invoice.
9961%
9962All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
9963infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
9964which he was born.
9965 -- Francois Fenelon
9966%
9967All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
9968other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
9969This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
9970our lives."
9971 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
9972%
9973All who joy would win Must share it --
9974Happiness was born a twin.
9975 -- Lord Byron
9976%
9977All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
9978%
9979All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
9980upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
9981visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
9982informing, stimulating and ennobling.
9983 -- H. L. Mencken
9984%
9985Allen's Axiom:
9986 When all else fails, read the instructions.
9987%
9988Alliance, n.:
9989 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
9990their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
9991separately plunder a third.
9992 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9993%
9994All's well that ends.
9995%
9996Almost anything derogatory you could say
9997about today's software design would be accurate.
9998 -- K. E. Iverson
9999%
10000Alone, adj.:
10001 In bad company.
10002 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10003%
10004Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
10005to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
10006%
10007alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
10008ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
10009baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
10010Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
10011baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
10012beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
10013 found in baas.
10014caaa, n: An automobile.
10015centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
10016 someone involved with the Knicks.)
10017chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
10018dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
10019 computation.
10020 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
10021%
10022Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
10023Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
10024 -- Dave Barry
10025%
10026Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
10027buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
10028Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
10029reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
10030 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
10031bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
10032"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
10033 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
10034%
10035Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
10036%
10037Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
10038mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
10039any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
10040to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
10041Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
10042serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
10043same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
10044that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
10045penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
10046running the post office.
10047 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
10048%
10049Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
10050reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
10051life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
10052minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
10053apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
10054of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
10055through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
10056those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
10057reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical
10058Gamekeeping."
10059 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959
10060%
10061Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
10062%
10063Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
10064 -- Mark Twain
10065%
10066Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
10067%
10068Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
10069%
10070Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
10071%
10072Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
10073 -- Jimmy Hoffa
10074%
10075Always store beer in a dark place.
10076%
10077Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
10078 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
10079%
10080Always there remain portions of our heart
10081into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
10082%
10083Always think of something new; this
10084helps you forget your last rotten idea.
10085 -- Seth Frankel
10086%
10087"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
10088that way."
10089%
10090Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
10091%
10092AMAZING BUT TRUE...
10093 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
10094 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
10095%
10096AMAZING BUT TRUE...
10097 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
10098 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
10099%
10100Ambidextrous, adj.:
10101 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
10102 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10103%
10104AMBIGUITY:
10105 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
10106%
10107Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
10108 -- Charlie McCarthy
10109%
10110Ambition, n:
10111 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
10112 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
10113 -- Ambrose Bierce
10114%
10115America: born free and taxed to death.
10116%
10117America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
10118 -- Oscar Wilde
10119%
10120America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
10121 -- Allen Ginsberg
10122%
10123America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
10124and the scum rises to the top.
10125 -- Utah Phillips
10126%
10127America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
10128 -- President John F. Kennedy
10129
10130The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
10131be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
10132living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
10133Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
10134 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
10135
10136The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
10137from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
10138to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
10139Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
10140of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
10141by the majority they were at the time.
10142 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
10143%
10144America is the country where you buy a lifetime
10145supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
10146%
10147America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
10148from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
10149 -- John O'Hara
10150%
10151America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
10152people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
10153name to "America".
10154 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
10155%
10156America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
10157%
10158American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
10159employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
10160employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
10161between the men's room and the women's room without having little
10162pictures on the doors.
10163 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
10164%
10165American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
10166%
10167American cars are made shoddily...
10168Cars made overseas are far superior.
10169 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater
10170%
10171[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
10172we allow them short of hanging.
10173 -- Samuel Johnson
10174
10175America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
10176tail it knocks over a chair.
10177 -- Arnold Toynbee
10178
10179The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
10180everybody and still nobody likes him.
10181 -- Jim Samuels
10182%
10183Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
10184%
10185Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
10186to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
10187 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
10188%
10189America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
10190%
10191Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
10192%
10193AMOEBIT:
10194 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
10195 and divide at the same time.
10196%
10197Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
10198 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
10199%
10200Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
10201%
10202An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
10203 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
10204%
10205An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
10206 -- Marlon Brando
10207%
10208An Ada exception is when a routine gets
10209in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
10210%
10211An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
10212%
10213An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
10214people refuse to see it.
10215 -- James Michener, "Space"
10216%
10217An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
10218his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
10219asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
10220 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
10221%
10222An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
10223 -- Dylan Thomas
10224%
10225An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
10226 -- D. E. Knuth
10227%
10228An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
10229to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
10230 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
10231%
10232An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
10233to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
10234and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
10235 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
10236 language.
10237%
10238An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
10239 -- A Chinese child
10240%
10241An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
10242winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
10243over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
10244open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
10245let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
10246 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
10247do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
10248Bohr chuckled.
10249 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
10250scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
10251that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
10252%
10253An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
10254about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
10255
10256American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
10257 get to work?"
10258Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
10259 transportation everywhere."
10260A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
10261R: "We take the train."
10262A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
10263R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
10264A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
10265R: "We take tanks."
10266%
10267An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
10268the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
10269%
10270An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
10271Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
10272new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
10273 -- David Letterman
10274%
10275An aphorism is never exactly true;
10276it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
10277 -- Karl Kraus
10278%
10279An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
10280him last.
10281 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
10282%
10283An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
10284%
10285An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
10286%
10287An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
10288%
10289An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
10290%
10291An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
10292 -- Isaac Asimov
10293%
10294An attachment a la Plato
10295for a bashful young potato
10296or a, not too French, french bean
10297must excite your languid spleen.
10298For, if you walk down Picadilly
10299with a poppy or lily
10300in your medieval hand,
10301every one will say,
10302as you walk your flowery way;
10303"If this young man is content,
10304with a vegetable love
10305which would certainly not content me.
10306Why, what a very pure young man
10307this pure young man must be!"
10308 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
10309 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]
10310%
10311An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
10312murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
10313mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
10314Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
10315suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
10316murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
10317%
10318An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
10319really care to know.
10320%
10321An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
10322%
10323An economist is a man who would marry
10324Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
10325%
10326An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
10327 -- Adlai Stevenson
10328%
10329An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
10330%
10331An efficient and a successful administration manifests
10332itself equally in small as in great matters.
10333 -- Winston Churchill
10334%
10335An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
10336in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
10337 -- Homer Ferguson
10338%
10339An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
10340when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
10341several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
10342despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
10343usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
10344 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
10345barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
10346I've already paid them half of it."
10347 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
10348euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
10349%
10350An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
10351%
10352An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
10353anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
10354already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
10355engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
10356the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
10357has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
10358mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
10359was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
10360humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
10361trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
10362%
10363An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
10364%
10365An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
10366summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
10367arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
10368responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
10369%
10370An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
10371 -- A. P. Herbert
10372%
10373An evil mind is a great comfort.
10374%
10375An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
10376a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
10377only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
10378Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
10379incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
10380excellence:
10381
10382"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
10383discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
10384to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
10385things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
10386parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
10387timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
10388doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
10389Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
10390school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
10391successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
10392they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
10393 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
10394%
10395An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
10396%
10397...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
10398picturesque liar.
10399 -- Mark Twain
10400%
10401An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
10402very narrow field.
10403 -- Niels Bohr
10404%
10405An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
10406as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
10407 -- Benjamin Stolberg
10408%
10409An expert is one who knows more and more about less
10410and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
10411%
10412An eye in a blue face
10413Saw an eye in a green face.
10414"That eye is like this eye"
10415Said the first eye,
10416"But in low place,
10417Not in high place."
10418%
10419An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
10420Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
10421A manly man, to be a wizard able;
10422Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
10423His console, when he typed, a man might hear
10424Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
10425Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
10426Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
10427The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
10428As old and strict he tended to ignore;
10429He let go by the things of yesterday
10430And took the modern world's more spacious way.
10431He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
10432Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
10433And that a hacker underworked is a mere
10434Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
10435That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
10436That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
10437And I agreed and said his views were sound;
10438Was he to study till his head wend round
10439Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
10440As Andy bade and till the very soil?
10441Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
10442Let Andy have his labor to himself!
10443 -- Chaucer
10444 [well, almost. Ed.]
10445%
10446An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
10447 -- Simon Cameron
10448
10449There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
10450bought they stay bought.
10451 -- Bill Moyers
10452%
10453An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
10454 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
10455%
10456An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
10457eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
10458possible.
10459 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
10460%
10461An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
10462%
10463An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
10464 -- Henry Ford
10465%
10466An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
10467%
10468An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
10469is to allow oneself to be devoured.
10470 -- Konrad Adenauer
10471%
10472An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
10473 -- Albert Camus
10474%
10475An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
10476each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
10477function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
10478by the corresponding row and column labels.
10479 -- Genesereth & Nilsson,
10480 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence"
10481%
10482An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
10483 -- Benjamin Franklin
10484%
10485An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
10486great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
10487a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
10488have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
10489hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
10490of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
10491 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
10492"Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
10493 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
10494strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
10495 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
10496man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
10497 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
10498 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
10499funeral."
10500%
10501An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
10502 -- Don Marquis
10503%
10504An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
10505A pessimist is a married optimist.
10506%
10507An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
10508%
10509An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
10510 -- Michael Korda
10511%
10512An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
10513 -- Spanish proverb
10514%
10515"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
10516%
10517Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
10518government at all.
10519%
10520And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
10521was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
10522Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
10523That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
10524I've worried and worried and worried away.
10525Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
10526I've worried about it with all of my heart.
10527
10528"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
10529the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
10530UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
10531nothing is going to get better - it's not.
10532So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
10533"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
10534
10535"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
10536And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
10537Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
10538Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
10539Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
10540Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
10541%
10542And as we stand on the edge of darkness
10543Let our chant fill the void
10544That others may know
10545
10546 In the land of the night
10547 The ship of the sun
10548 Is drawn by
10549 The grateful dead.
10550 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
10551%
10552And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
10553unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
10554bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
10555provideth that they are nice and fresh."
10556 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
10557%
10558And did those feet, in ancient times,
10559Walk upon England's mountains green?
10560And was the Holy Lamb of God
10561In England's pleasant pastures seen?
10562And did the Countenance Divine
10563Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
10564And was Jerusalem builded here
10565Among these dark satanic mills?
10566
10567Bring me my bow of burning gold!
10568Bring me my arrows of desire!
10569Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
10570Bring me my chariot of fire!
10571I shall not cease from mental fight,
10572Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
10573Till we have built Jerusalem
10574In England's green and pleasant land.
10575 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
10576%
10577And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
10578%
10579And ever has it been known that
10580love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
10581 -- Kahlil Gibran
10582%
10583And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
10584"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
10585to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
10586greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
10587spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
10588he shouted out, "YOPP!"
10589 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
10590Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
10591They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
10592I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
10593whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
10594 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
10595on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
10596them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
10597the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
10598them. No matter how small-ish!"
10599 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
10600%
10601And here I wait so patiently
10602Waiting to find out what price
10603You have to pay to get out of
10604Going thru all of these things twice
10605 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
10606%
10607And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
10608%
10609And I heard Jeff exclaim,
10610As they strolled out of sight,
10611"Merry Christmas to all --
10612You take credit cards, right?"
10613 -- "Outsiders" comic
10614%
10615And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
10616ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
10617little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
10618them, aren't braced against them.
10619 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
10620%
10621And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
10622My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
10623Addams -- he was good for nothing."
10624 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
10625%
10626And if California slides into the ocean,
10627Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
10628I predict this motel will be standing,
10629Until I've paid my bill.
10630 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
10631%
10632And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
10633"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
10634%
10635And if you wonder,
10636What I am doing,
10637As I am heading for the sink.
10638I am spitting out all the bitterness,
10639Along with half of my last drink.
10640%
10641And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
10642Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
10643 -- Joan Baez
10644%
10645And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
10646what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
10647 -- David Jones
10648%
10649And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
10650 -- A. E. Housman
10651%
10652And miles to go before I sleep.
10653%
10654And now for something completely the same.
10655%
10656And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
10657And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
10658The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
10659And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
10660
10661We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
10662The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
10663But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
10664Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
10665
10666Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
10667And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
10668Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
10669We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
10670
10671Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
10672We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
10673Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
10674You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
10675 hand...
10676%
10677And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
10678%
10679And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
10680%
10681...and report cards I was always afraid to show
10682Mama'd come to school
10683and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
10684Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
10685Got a good head if he'd apply it
10686but you know yourself
10687it's always somewhere else
10688I'd build me a castle
10689with dragons and kings
10690and I'd ride off with them
10691As I stood by my window
10692and looked out on those
10693Brooklyn roads
10694 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
10695%
10696And so it was, later,
10697As the miller told his tale,
10698That her face, at first just ghostly,
10699Turned a whiter shade of pale.
10700 -- Procol Harum
10701%
10702And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
10703fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
10704looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
10705approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
10706is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
10707of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
10708gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
10709procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
10710youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
10711Orson Welles.
10712 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
10713%
10714And that's the way it is...
10715 -- Walter Cronkite
10716%
10717And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
10718turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
10719the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
10720clothes! He is naked!"
10721 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
10722%
10723And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
10724black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
10725penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
10726white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
10727growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
10728 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
10729%
10730"... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
10731courtesy detail."
10732 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
10733%
10734And the silence came surging softly backwards
10735When the plunging hooves were gone...
10736 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
10737%
10738And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
10739with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
10740%
10741And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
10742rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
10743which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
10744in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
10745 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
10746%
10747And this is good old Boston,
10748The home of the bean and the cod,
10749Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
10750And the Cabots talk only to God.
10751%
10752And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
10753 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
10754%
10755And we heard him exclaim
10756As he started to roam:
10757"I'm a hologram, kids,
10758please don't try this at home!'"
10759 -- Bob Violence
10760%
10761And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
10762ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
10763Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
10764economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
10765give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
10766of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
10767exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
10768and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
10769without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
10770afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
10771loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
10772engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
10773shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
10774 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
10775%
10776And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
10777 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
10778 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
10779 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
10780 -- The Grateful Dead
10781%
10782And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
10783have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
10784the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
10785loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
10786in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
10787license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
10788 -- Charles Dickens
10789%
10790And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
10791sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
10792and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
10793face, we have politics.
10794 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
10795 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
10796%
10797And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
10798because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
10799%
10800"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
10801you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
10802and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
10803he, earnestly.
10804 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
10805%
10806Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
10807Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.
10808 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
10809%
10810Andrea's Admonition:
10811 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
10812 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
10813 it isn't and he can.
10814%
10815ANDROPHOBIA:
10816 Fear of men.
10817%
10818Angels we have heard on High
10819Tell us to go out and Buy.
10820 -- Tom Lehrer
10821%
10822Anger is momentary madness.
10823 -- Horace
10824%
10825Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
10826%
10827Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
10828Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
10829 -- Lazarus Long
10830%
10831Ankh if you love Isis.
10832%
10833Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
10834
10835Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
10836
10837Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
10838just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
10839cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
10840at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
10841think you can, and that's the point, right?)
10842%
10843Anoint, v.:
10844 To grease a king or other great
10845 functionary already sufficiently slippery.
10846 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10847%
10848Another day, another dollar.
10849 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
10850 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
10851 Reagan.
10852%
10853Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
10854%
10855Another megabytes the dust.
10856%
10857Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
10858television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
10859and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
10860offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.
10861 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
10862%
10863Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
10864 -- Pyrrhus
10865%
10866Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
10867 -- Proverbs, 26:5
10868%
10869Anthony's Law of Force:
10870 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
10871%
10872Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
10873 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
10874 corner of the workshop.
10875
10876Corollary:
10877 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
10878 your toes.
10879%
10880Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
10881Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
10882%
10883Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
10884%
10885Antonio Antonio
10886Was tired of living alonio
10887He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
10888Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
10889Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
10890 In a bowery shade,
10891 Sitting and knitting alonio.
10892Antonio Antonio
10893Said if you will be my ownio
10894I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
10895And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
10896An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
10897 You singular fish
10898 Is that you will quickly begonio.
10899Antonio Antonio
10900Uttered a dismal moanio
10901And went off and hid
10902Or I'm told that he did
10903In the Antartical Zonio.
10904%
10905Antonym, n.:
10906 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
10907%
10908Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
10909[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
10910Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
10911cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
10912Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
10913them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
10914 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
10915 cars across Europe.
10916%
10917Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
10918which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
10919%
10920Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
10921 -- Charles McCabe
10922%
10923Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
10924mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
10925than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
10926And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
10927Is there a better way to die?
10928 -- Charles Lindbergh
10929%
10930Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
10931representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
10932representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
10933capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
10934 -- Richard Schickel
10935%
10936Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
10937 -- Aesop
10938%
10939Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
10940country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
10941%
10942Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
10943wise person to be able to sell it.
10944%
10945Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
10946how to lie well.
10947 -- Samuel Butler
10948%
10949Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
10950stupid.
10951 -- Hedy Lamarr
10952%
10953Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
10954%
10955Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
10956%
10957Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
10958a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
10959grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
10960fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
10961true.
10962 -- Solomon Short
10963%
10964Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
10965%
10966Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
10967rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
10968of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
10969requires a heroism which is transcendent.
10970 -- Henry Ward Beecher
10971%
10972Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
10973 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
10974%
10975Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
10976liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
10977be deemed to be a cat.
10978 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
10979%
10980"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
10981"None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone
10982qualified who is willing to accept the post."
10983 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
10984can at least make a decision."
10985 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
10986young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
10987up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
10988 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
10989%
10990Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
10991 -- Sydney J. Harris
10992%
10993Any president should have the right to shoot
10994at least two people a year without explanation.
10995 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
10996%
10997Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
10998 -- Lazarus Long
10999%
11000Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer
11001of indirection.
11002 -- David Wheeler
11003%
11004Any program which runs right is obsolete.
11005%
11006Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
11007%
11008Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
11009Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
11010From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
11011 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
11012%
11013Any small object that is accidentally
11014dropped will hide under a larger object.
11015%
11016Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
11017exactly the point of most pressure.
11018 -- Milt Barber
11019%
11020Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
11021%
11022Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
11023 -- Rich Kulawiec
11024%
11025Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
11026%
11027Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
11028 -- Arthur C. Clarke
11029%
11030Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
11031something.
11032%
11033Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
11034 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
11035%
11036Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
11037%
11038Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
11039has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
11040 -- J. P. Morgan
11041%
11042Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
11043organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
11044 -- David Broder
11045%
11046Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
11047sight of a police car is probably parked.
11048%
11049Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
11050%
11051Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
11052person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
11053and in the right way -- that is not easy.
11054 -- Aristotle
11055%
11056Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
11057supposed to be doing at the moment.
11058 -- Robert Benchley
11059%
11060Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
11061 -- Publilius Syrus
11062%
11063Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
11064none.
11065%
11066"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
11067first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
11068explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
11069intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
11070thought on every occasion."
11071 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
11072%
11073Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
11074%
11075Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my
11076extremely humble opinion.
11077
11078 -- Philip Paeps
11079%
11080Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
11081is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
11082make messes in the house.
11083 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
11084%
11085Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
11086 -- R. Heinlein
11087%
11088Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
11089 -- Samuel Goldwyn
11090%
11091Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
11092that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
11093is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
11094mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
11095 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
11096%
11097Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
11098knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
11099 -- Mark Twain
11100%
11101Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
11102 -- W. C. Fields
11103%
11104Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
11105as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
11106 -- Philippus Paracelsus
11107%
11108Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
11109account be allowed to do the job.
11110 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
11111%
11112Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
11113recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
11114particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
11115 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
11116%
11117Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
11118 -- Groucho Marx
11119%
11120Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
11121tried taking candy from a baby.
11122 -- Robin Hood
11123%
11124Anything anybody can say about America is true.
11125 -- Emmett Grogan
11126%
11127Anything cut to length will be too short.
11128%
11129Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
11130%
11131Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
11132%
11133Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
11134%
11135Anything is possible on paper.
11136 -- Ron McAfee
11137%
11138Anything is possible, unless it's not.
11139%
11140Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
11141The label means the price went up.
11142The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
11143means the price went way up.
11144%
11145Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
11146%
11147Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
11148undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
11149 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
11150%
11151Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
11152%
11153Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
11154big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
11155nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
11156cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
11157over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
11158going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
11159all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
11160but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
11161 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
11162%
11163Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
11164If you want to come, you're not invited.
11165%
11166"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
11167%
11168APHASIA:
11169 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
11170 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
11171%
11172aphorism, n.:
11173 A concise, clever statement.
11174afterism, n.:
11175 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
11176 -- James Alexander Thom
11177%
11178APL hackers do it in the quad.
11179%
11180APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
11181future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
11182of coding bums.
11183 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
11184%
11185APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
11186...and is best for educational purposes.
11187 -- A. Perlis
11188%
11189APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
11190in APL, but I can't read any of them.
11191 -- Roy Keir
11192%
11193Appearances often are deceiving.
11194 -- Aesop
11195%
11196APPENDIX:
11197 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
11198%
11199Applause, n:
11200 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
11201 -- Ambrose Bierce
11202%
11203April is the cruelest month...
11204 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
11205%
11206Aquadextrous, adj.:
11207 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
11208 faucet on and off with your toes.
11209 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11210%
11211AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
11212 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
11213 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
11214 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
11215 and over again. People think you are stupid.
11216%
11217AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
11218 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
11219 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
11220 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
11221 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
11222%
11223AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
11224 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
11225 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
11226 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
11227 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
11228 able to lend you a few bucks.
11229%
11230Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
11231ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
11232cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
11233cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
11234then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
11235never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
11236 -- Peter Nelson
11237%
11238Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
11239 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
11240general can be said."
11241%
11242ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
11243 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
11244%
11245Are we not men?
11246%
11247Are we running light with overbyte?
11248%
11249Are Women Human?
11250In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
11251representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
11252The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
11253vote.
11254%
11255Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11256say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11257
11258 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
11259 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
11260 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
11261 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
11262 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
11263 Don't you know any better?
11264 How could you be so stupid?
11265 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
11266 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
11267 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
11268%
11269Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11270say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11271
11272 Do as I say, not as I do.
11273 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
11274 What did you do *this* time?
11275 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
11276 When I was your age...
11277 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
11278 Think of all the starving children in India.
11279 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
11280 I'm going to kill you.
11281 Way to go, clumsy.
11282 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
11283%
11284Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11285say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11286
11287 Go away. You bother me.
11288 Why? Because life is unfair.
11289 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
11290 Children should be seen and not heard.
11291 You'll be the death of me.
11292 You'll understand when you're older.
11293 Because.
11294 Wipe that smile off your face.
11295 I don't believe you.
11296 How many times have I told you to be careful?
11297 Just because.
11298%
11299Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11300say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11301
11302 Good children always obey.
11303 Quit acting so childish.
11304 Boys don't cry.
11305 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
11306 Why do you have to know so much?
11307 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
11308 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
11309 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
11310 Oh, grow up.
11311 I'm only doing this because I love you.
11312%
11313Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11314say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11315
11316 When are you going to grow up?
11317 I'm only doing this for your own good.
11318 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
11319 cry about.
11320 What's wrong with you?
11321 Someday you'll thank me for this.
11322 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
11323 Don't you have any sense at all?
11324 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
11325 Why? Because I said so.
11326 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
11327%
11328Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11329say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11330
11331 You wouldn't understand.
11332 You ask too many questions.
11333 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
11334 That's for me to know and you to find out.
11335 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
11336 up for yourself.
11337 You're acting too big for your britches.
11338 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
11339 Wait till your father gets home.
11340 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
11341 Shape up or ship out.
11342%
11343Are you a turtle?
11344%
11345Are you making all this up as you go along?
11346%
11347"Are you police officers?"
11348"No, ma'am. We're musicians."
11349 -- The Blues Brothers
11350%
11351Are you sure the back door is locked?
11352%
11353"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
11354No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
11355 -- Monty Python
11356%
11357Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
11358Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
11359Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
11360Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
11361Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
11362Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
11363 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
11364Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
11365Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
11366Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
11367Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
11368
11369 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
113700-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
113713-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
113726-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
113738-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
1137411+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
11375%
11376Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
11377 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
11378%
11379Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
11380in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
11381 -- Oscar Wilde
11382%
11383"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
11384 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
11385%
11386ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
11387 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
11388 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
11389 very nice.
11390%
11391ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
11392 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
11393 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
11394 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
11395%
11396ARITHMETIC:
11397 An obscure art no longer practiced in
11398 the world's developed countries.
11399%
11400Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
11401 -- Mickey Mouse
11402%
11403ARMADILLO:
11404 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
11405%
11406Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
11407autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
11408Union.
11409 -- P. J. O'Rourke
11410%
11411Armor's Axiom:
11412 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
11413%
11414Armstrong's Collection Law:
11415 If the check is truly in the mail,
11416 it is surely made out to someone else.
11417%
11418Arnold's Addendum:
11419 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
11420%
11421Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
11422 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
11423 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
11424 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
11425 first two laws.
11426%
11427Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
11428measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
11429imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
11430 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11431%
11432Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
11433a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
11434one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
11435to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
11436(He died in 1921.)
11437 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
11438flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
11439fantasy...
11440 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
11441And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
11442instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
11443piece would be better known as:
11444 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
11445%
11446Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
11447incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
11448 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
11449%
11450Art is a jealous mistress.
11451 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
11452%
11453Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
11454 -- Picasso
11455%
11456Art is anything you can get away with.
11457 -- Marshall McLuhan.
11458%
11459Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
11460 -- Paul Gauguin
11461%
11462Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
11463 -- Chazal
11464%
11465"Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
11466 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
11467%
11468Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
11469%
11470Arthur's Laws of Love:
11471 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
11472 remind them of someone else.
11473 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
11474 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
11475 of yourself in person.
11476%
11477Article the Third:
11478 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
11479 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
11480 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
11481Article the Fourth:
11482 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
11483 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
11484 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
11485Article the Fifth:
11486 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
11487 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
11488 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
11489 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
11490 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
11491%
11492Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
11493artificial flowers have to flowers.
11494 -- David Parnas
11495%
11496Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
11497%
11498As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
11499%
11500As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
11501interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
11502perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
11503"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
11504 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
11505%
11506As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
11507I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
11508This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
11509 -- Matt Cartmill
11510%
11511As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
11512a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
11513Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
11514glass.
11515 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
11516with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
11517 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
11518a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
11519down in one gulp.
11520 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
11521fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
11522firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
11523NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
11524%
11525As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
11526 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
11527%
11528As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
11529the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
11530a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
11531 -- Joseph Brodsky
11532%
11533As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
11534certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
11535 -- Albert Einstein
11536%
11537As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
11538 -- Weisert
11539%
11540As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
11541 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
11542%
11543As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
11544We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
11545 -- Frederic Reynolds
11546%
11547As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
11548of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
11549 -- John F. Kennedy
11550%
11551As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
11552%
11553As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
11554the potato salad.
11555%
11556As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
11557religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
11558methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
11559to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
11560years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
11561untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
11562and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
11563high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
11564surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
11565 -- Steve Allen
11566%
11567As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
11568pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
11569 -- Jack Handey
11570%
11571As I thought, no better from this side.
11572 -- Eeyore
11573%
11574As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
11575 Feeling worse and worser,
11576There I met a C.R.T.
11577 And it drop't me a cursor.
11578
11579C.R.T., C.R.T.,
11580 Phosphors light on you!
11581If I had fifty hours a day
11582 I'd spend them all at you.
11583 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
11584%
11585As I was passing Project MAC,
11586I met a Quux with seven hacks.
11587Every hack had seven bugs;
11588Every bug had seven manifestations;
11589Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
11590Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
11591How many losses at Project MAC?
11592%
11593As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
11594I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
11595The words were torn and tattered,
11596From the storm the night before,
11597The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
11598
11599Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
11600Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
11601Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
11602And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
11603
11604Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
11605Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
11606Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
11607And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
11608%
11609As in certain cults it is possible to
11610kill a process if you know its true name.
11611 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
11612%
11613As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
11614smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
11615in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
11616norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
11617computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
11618IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
11619standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
11620standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
11621allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
11622innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
11623imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
11624images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
11625on the austerity of the word.
11626 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
11627%
11628As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
11629industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
11630and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
11631man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
11632talk like that.
11633 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
11634%
11635As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
11636%
11637As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
11638schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
11639The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
11640%
11641As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
11642When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
11643 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
11644%
11645As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11646One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11647useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11648
11649Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11650
11651 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
11652 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
11653 3. Some people never look at me.
11654 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
11655 5. My sex life is A-okay.
11656 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11657 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
11658 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11659 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
1166010. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
1166111. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
1166212. I cannot read or write.
1166313. I am bored by thoughts of death.
1166414. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
1166515. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
1166616. I am never startled by a fish.
1166717. My mother's uncle was a good man.
1166818. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
1166919. People who break the law are wise guys.
1167020. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11671%
11672As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11673One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11674useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11675
11676Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11677
11678 1. I think beavers work too hard.
11679 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
11680 3. God is love.
11681 4. I like mannish children.
11682 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
11683 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
11684 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
11685 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
11686 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
1168710. Frantic screams make me nervous.
1168811. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
11689 full of mice.
1169012. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
1169113. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
1169214. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
1169315. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
1169416. My eyes are always cold.
1169517. Cousins are not to be trusted.
1169618. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
1169719. I am never startled by a fish.
1169820. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11699%
11700As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
11701The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
11702It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
11703An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
11704Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
11705Follow it through, me canny lad O;
11706Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
11707Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
11708 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
11709%
11710As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
11711Please update your programs.
11712%
11713As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
11714Please update your programs.
11715%
11716As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
11717%
11718As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
11719the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
11720
11721News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
11722
11723 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
11724 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
11725 Keywords: C sources
11726 Distribution: na
11727
11728 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
11729 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
11730 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
11731 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
11732
11733 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
11734 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
11735 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
11736 must be done?
11737%
11738As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
11739a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
11740 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
11741 conversion to a new computer system.
11742%
11743As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
11744I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
11745Of society offenders who might well be underground
11746And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
11747 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
11748%
11749As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
11750as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
11751discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
11752part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
11753my own programs.
11754 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
11755%
11756As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
11757because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
11758 -- Woody Allen
11759%
11760As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
11761bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
11762or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
11763version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
11764component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
11765efficient test cases will usually be available.
11766 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
11767%
11768As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
11769is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
11770 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11771%
11772As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
11773as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
11774but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
11775with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
11776divinity.
11777 -- Benjamin Franklin
11778%
11779As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
11780 -- Miguel de Cervantes
11781%
11782As Will Rogers would have said,
11783"There is no such things as a free variable."
11784%
11785As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
11786aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
11787chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
11788proper time for chocolate.
11789 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
11790%
11791As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
11792but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
11793 -- The Cowboy
11794%
11795As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
11796interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
11797Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
11798out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
11799Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
11800organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
11801birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
11802see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
11803stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
11804with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
11805talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
11806highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
11807 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
11808 Teen Should Know"
11809%
11810As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
11811your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
11812The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
11813with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
11814from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
11815over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
11816a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
11817spider is suing you for damages.
11818%
11819As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
11820 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
11821%
11822As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
11823%
11824ASCII:
11825 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
11826 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
11827 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
11828 receive."
11829 -- Robb Russon
11830%
11831ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
11832%
11833ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
11834%
11835Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
11836If God won't have you, the devil must.
11837%
11838Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
11839one went to Harvard).
11840 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
11841%
11842Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
11843will pay only the station-to-station rate.
11844 -- Howard Kandel
11845%
11846Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
11847%
11848Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
11849if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
11850%
11851Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
11852 -- J. J. Gibson
11853%
11854Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
11855for an answer.
11856%
11857Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
11858 -- John Stuart Mill
11859%
11860"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
11861woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
11862she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
11863 -- David Letterman
11864%
11865Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
11866said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
11867released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
11868right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
11869learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
11870writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
11871newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
11872bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
11873chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
11874as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
11875everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
11876the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
11877and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
11878couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
11879two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
11880 -- Garrison Keillor
11881%
11882Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
11883lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
11884 -- Christopher Hampton
11885%
11886Ass, n.:
11887 The masculine of "lass".
11888%
11889Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
11890and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
11891 -- D. Gries
11892%
11893Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
11894with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
11895the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
11896and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
11897 -- Stanley Walker
11898%
11899Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
11900%
11901Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
11902 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
11903%
11904At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
11905solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
11906take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
11907available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
11908In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
11909is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
11910relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
11911a computer problem?"
11912 "Remember the twin paradox?"
11913 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
11914fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
11915that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
11916computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
11917 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
11918the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
11919
11920 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
11921%
11922At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
11923not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
11924it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
11925 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
11926%
11927At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
11928my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
11929ignorance upon the shore.
11930 -- Kahlil Gibran
11931%
11932At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
11933We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
11934around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
11935least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
11936
11937It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
11938while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
11939crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
11940have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
11941`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
11942Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
11943function as a normal person.
11944
11945I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
11946you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
11947some UNIX,
11948
11949 Just Say No!
11950%
11951At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
11952the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
11953quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
11954than blinkers it.
11955 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
11956%
11957At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
11958a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
11959 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
11960%
11961At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
11962"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
11963 -- Strange de Jim
11964%
11965At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
11966 -- J. B. White
11967%
11968"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"
11969%
11970At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
11971thumb with a hammer.
11972 -- Marshall Lumsden
11973%
11974At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
11975especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
11976-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
11977in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
11978after fact and reason.
11979 -- John Keats
11980%
11981At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
11982coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
11983 -- H. R. Gumby
11984%
11985At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
11986and no further activities are scheduled.
11987%
11988At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
11989The image of Providing Nourishment.
11990Thus the superior man is careful of his words
11991And temperate in eating and drinking.
11992%
11993At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
11994contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
11995or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
11996of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
11997nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
11998world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
11999enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
12000field on track.
12001 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
12002%
12003At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
12004to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
12005die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
12006room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
12007The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
12008grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
12009You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
12010213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
12011gently!"
12012 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
12013opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
12014his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
12015guess who's going to die soon!"
12016%
12017At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
12018at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
12019%
12020At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
12021 -- Peter G. Alaquon
12022%
12023At times discretion should be thrown aside,
12024and with the foolish we should play the fool.
12025 -- Menander
12026%
12027At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
12028number of pens that person is carrying.
12029%
12030Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12031%
12032ATLANTA:
12033 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
12034%
12035Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
12036or street lamp.
12037%
12038Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
12039 -- Winston Churchill
12040%
12041Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
12042decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
12043lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
12044suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
12045is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
12046 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
12047%
12048AUCTION:
12049 A gyp off the old block.
12050%
12051Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
12052 -- G. J. Danton
12053%
12054audiophile, n:
12055 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
12056%
12057Auribus teneo lupum.
12058[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
12059%
12060AUTHENTIC:
12061 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
12062%
12063Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
12064depths they were once able to plumb.
12065 -- Stanley Kaufman
12066%
12067Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
12068 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
12069%
12070Automobile, n.:
12071 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
12072pedestrians.
12073%
12074Avec!
12075%
12076Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
12077%
12078Avoid cliches like the plague.
12079They're a dime a dozen.
12080%
12081Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
12082%
12083Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
12084 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12085%
12086Avoid reality at all costs.
12087%
12088Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
12089we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
12090 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
12091%
12092Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
12093%
12094Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
12095ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
12096to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
12097mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
12098in 1959.
12099 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
12100 bad fiction contest.
12101%
12102[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
12103 -- Tris Speaker, 1921
12104%
12105Bacchus, n.:
12106 A convenient deity invented by the ancients
12107 as an excuse for getting drunk.
12108 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12109%
12110BACHELOR:
12111 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
12112%
12113BACHELOR:
12114 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
12115%
12116Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
12117that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
12118correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
12119invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
12120West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
12121 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
12122Business before pleasure."
12123%
12124Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
12125military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
12126who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
12127Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
12128problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
12129written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
12130(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
12131types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
12132the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
12133the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
12134never really caught on.
12135%
12136Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
12137uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
12138%
12139BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
12140 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
12141%
12142Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
12143%
12144BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
12145%
12146Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
12147whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
12148 -- Socrates
12149%
12150Bagbiter:
12151 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
12152intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
12153bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
12154obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
12155bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
12156CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
12157%
12158Bagdikian's Observation:
12159 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
12160 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
12161%
12162Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
12163 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
12164%
12165Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
12166 A block grant is a solid mass of money
12167 surrounded on all sides by governors.
12168%
12169BALLISTOPHOBIA:
12170 Fear of bullets;
12171OTOPHOBIA:
12172 Fear of opening one's eyes.
12173PECCATOPHOBIA:
12174 Fear of sinning.
12175TAPHEPHOBIA:
12176 Fear of being buried alive.
12177SITOPHOBIA:
12178 Fear of food.
12179TRICHOPHOBIA:
12180 Fear of hair.
12181VESTIPHOBIA:
12182 Fear of clothing.
12183%
12184BALTIMORE:
12185 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
12186%
12187Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
12188%
12189Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
12190 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
12191 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
12192%
12193Banectomy, n.:
12194 The removal of bruises on a banana.
12195 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12196%
12197Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
12198%
12199Barach's Rule:
12200 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
12201%
12202Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
12203 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
12204 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
12205 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
12206 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
12207%
12208Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
12209floor -- especially in the dark.
12210%
12211Barker's Proof:
12212 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
12213%
12214Barometer, n.:
12215 An ingenious instrument which indicates
12216 what kind of weather we are having.
12217 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12218%
12219Barth's Distinction:
12220 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
12221types, and those who don't.
12222%
12223Baruch's Observation:
12224 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
12225%
12226Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
12227 -- Tom Lehrer
12228%
12229Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
12230 -- Will Rogers
12231%
12232Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
12233Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
12234
12235 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
12236 (2) Advising the President.
12237 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
12238 -- David Letterman
12239%
12240Basic Definitions of Science:
12241 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
12242 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
12243 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
12244%
12245Basic is a high level languish.
12246APL is a high level anguish.
12247%
12248"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
12249%
12250BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
12251 -- Seymour Papert
12252%
12253Basic, n.:
12254 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
12255that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
12256%
12257Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
12258come in and sink my boats.
12259 -- Woody Allen
12260%
12261Bathquake, n.:
12262 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
12263faucet is turned on to a certain point.
12264 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12265%
12266Batteries not included.
12267%
12268Battle, n:
12269 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
12270 will not yield to the tongue.
12271 -- Ambrose Bierce
12272%
12273Be a better psychiatrist and the world
12274will beat a psychopath to your door.
12275%
12276BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
12277%
12278BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
12279%
12280Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
12281get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
12282face.
12283 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12284%
12285Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
12286 -- Homer
12287%
12288Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
12289%
12290Be careful! Is it classified?
12291%
12292Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
12293%
12294Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
12295situations that can't bear inspection.
12296%
12297Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
12298 -- Mark Twain
12299%
12300Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
12301 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
12302%
12303Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
12304%
12305Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
12306 -- Derek Bok
12307%
12308Be cautious in your daily affairs.
12309%
12310Be cheerful while you are alive.
12311 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
12312%
12313Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
12314to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
12315 -- De Maintenon
12316%
12317Be different: conform.
12318%
12319Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
12320the issue afterwards.
12321%
12322Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
12323Things won't get any better so get used to it.
12324%
12325Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
12326%
12327Be independent.
12328Insult a rich relative today.
12329%
12330Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
12331nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
12332%
12333Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
12334 -- Wilson Mizner
12335%
12336Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
12337 -- Pope St. Gregory I
12338%
12339Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
12340%
12341Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
12342Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
12343%
12344Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
12345and original in your work.
12346 -- Flaubert
12347%
12348Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
12349%
12350Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
12351%
12352Be sociable.
12353Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
12354%
12355Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
12356%
12357Be valiant, but not too venturous.
12358Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
12359 -- John Lyly
12360%
12361Beam me up, Scotty!
12362%
12363Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
12364%
12365Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
12366%
12367Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
12368%
12369BEAUTY:
12370 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
12371%
12372Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
12373%
12374Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
12375%
12376Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
12377 -- Jean Anouilh
12378%
12379Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
12380Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
12381 -- John Keats
12382%
12383Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
12384 -- Redd Foxx
12385%
12386Because I do,
12387Because I do not hope,
12388Because I do not hope to survive
12389Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
12390Because I do, only do,
12391I continue...
12392 -- T. S. Pynchon
12393%
12394Because the wine remembers.
12395%
12396Because we don't think about future generations,
12397they will never forget us.
12398 -- Henrik Tikkanen
12399%
12400Been through hell?
12401What did you bring back for me?
12402%
12403Been Transferred Lately?
12404%
12405Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
12406%
12407Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
12408%
12409Bees are very busy souls
12410They have no time for birth controls
12411And that is why in times like these
12412There are so many Sons of Bees.
12413%
12414Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
12415 -- Addison H. Hallock
12416%
12417Before destruction a man's heart is
12418haughty, but humility goes before honour.
12419 -- Psalms 18:12
12420%
12421...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
12422or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
12423did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
12424manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
12425this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
12426power of meddling.
12427 -- Joseph Conrad
12428%
12429Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
12430%
12431Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
12432they are "Let's eat out."
12433%
12434Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
12435starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
12436first.
12437 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
12438%
12439Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
12440%
12441Before you ask more questions, think about whether
12442you really want to know the answers.
12443 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
12444%
12445Begathon, n.:
12446 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
12447you won't have to watch commercials.
12448%
12449Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
12450 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
12451%
12452Beggars should be no choosers.
12453 -- John Heywood
12454%
12455Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
12456%
12457Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
12458%
12459Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
12460%
12461Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
12462is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
12463the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
12464basket!"
12465 -- Mark Twain
12466%
12467Behold the unborn foetus and
12468 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
12469All life is sacred (save, of course,
12470 An enemy civilian).
12471%
12472Behold the warranty -- the bold print
12473giveth and the fine print taketh away.
12474%
12475Beifeld's Principle:
12476 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
12477receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
12478already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
12479looking and richer male friend.
12480%
12481Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
12482%
12483Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
12484stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
12485opposite applies with the judges.
12486 -- Beyond the Fringe
12487%
12488Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
12489since it consists principally of dealings with men.
12490 -- Conrad
12491%
12492Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
12493to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
12494and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
12495 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
12496seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
12497%
12498Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
12499if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
12500has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
12501 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
12502%
12503"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
12504%
12505Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
12506disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
12507%
12508Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
12509enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
12510 -- Eugene McCarthy
12511%
12512Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
12513Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
12514 -- Blake Clark
12515%
12516Being owned by someone used to be called
12517slavery -- now it's called commitment.
12518%
12519Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
12520%
12521Being stoned on marijuana isn't very
12522different from being stoned on gin.
12523 -- Ralph Nader
12524%
12525Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
12526standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
12527 -- unnamed Justice Department official
12528%
12529Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
12530%
12531belief, n:
12532 Something you do not believe.
12533%
12534Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
12535impossibly bad.
12536 -- Honore DeBalzac
12537%
12538Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
12539%
12540Ben, why didn't you tell me?
12541 -- Luke Skywalker
12542%
12543Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
12544 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
12545 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
12546 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
12547%
12548"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
12549 -- Time Bandits
12550%
12551Benson's Dogma:
12552 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
12553%
12554Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break
12555Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It
12556%
12557Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
12558to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
12559 -- Kirk McKusick
12560%
12561Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
12562none of his friends like him either.
12563 -- Oscar Wilde
12564%
12565Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
12566transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
12567Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
12568place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
12569surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
12570MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
12571For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
12572rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
12573"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
12574after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
12575 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
12576 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
12577 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
12578 "The test or the room?"
12579 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
12580 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
12581Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
12582great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
12583tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
12584why?"
12585 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
12586 -- House of God
12587%
12588Bershere's Formula for Failure:
12589 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
12590 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
12591%
12592Besides the device, the box should contain:
12593
12594* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
12595
12596* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
12597 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
12598
12599YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
12600cable.
12601
12602IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
12603spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
12604that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
12605without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
12606why."
12607
12608WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
12609 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
12610%
12611Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
12612judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
12613doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
12614history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
12615at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
12616them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
12617victuals being spent and especially our beer."
12618 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
12619%
12620Best Mistakes In Films
12621 In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
12622four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
12623possible.
12624 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
12625street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
12626 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
12627with television aerials.
12628 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
12629fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
12630in the background.
12631 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
12632clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
12633 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
12634%
12635Best of all is never to have been born.
12636Second best is to die soon.
12637%
12638beta test, v:
12639 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
12640 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
12641 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
12642%
12643Better by far you should forget and
12644smile than that you should remember and be sad.
12645 -- Christina Rossetti
12646%
12647Better dead than mellow.
12648%
12649Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
12650around while you have your life in such a mess.
12651%
12652Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
12653%
12654Better late than never.
12655 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
12656%
12657Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
12658%
12659better !pout !cry
12660better watchout
12661lpr why
12662santa claus <north pole >town
12663
12664cat /etc/passwd >list
12665ncheck list
12666ncheck list
12667cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
12668cat list | grep nice >giftlist
12669santa claus <north pole > town
12670
12671who | grep sleeping
12672who | grep awake
12673who | egrep 'bad|good'
12674for (goodness sake) {
12675 be good
12676}
12677%
12678Better the prince of some inferior court,
12679Than second, or less, in beatific light.
12680 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
12681%
12682Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
12683%
12684Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
12685 -- motto of the Christopher Society
12686%
12687Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
12688%
12689Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
12690 -- Jeff Cooper
12691%
12692Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
12693left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
12694bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
12695pushing boulders into a single word.
12696 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
12697Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
12698equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
12699destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
12700Parliament and Party.
12701 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
12702planets, this may be the first message received from us.
12703 -- The Realist, November, 1964.
12704%
12705Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
12706%
12707Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
12708 -- G. H. Gonnet
12709%
12710Between the idea
12711And the reality
12712Between the motion
12713And the act
12714Falls the Shadow
12715 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
12716
12717 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12718 referring to system service dispatching.]
12719%
12720BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
12721%
12722Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
12723%
12724Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
12725%
12726Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
12727%
12728Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
12729a new wearer of clothes.
12730 -- Henry David Thoreau
12731%
12732Beware of Bigfoot!
12733%
12734"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
12735tried it."
12736 -- Donald Knuth
12737%
12738Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
12739%
12740Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
12741%
12742Beware of geeks bearing graft.
12743%
12744Beware of low-flying butterflies.
12745%
12746Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
12747danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
12748the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
12749 -- St. Augustine
12750%
12751Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
12752 -- Leonard Brandwein
12753%
12754Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
12755drip under pressure.
12756%
12757Beware of strong drink. It can make you
12758shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
12759 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
12760%
12761Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
12762%
12763"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
12764finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
12765murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
12766their ignorance the hard way."
12767 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
12768%
12769Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
12770is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
12771%
12772Beware the new TTY code!
12773%
12774Beware the one behind you.
12775%
12776bi, n:
12777 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
12778%
12779Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
12780 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
12781 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
12782 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
12783%
12784Big book, big bore.
12785 -- Callimachus
12786%
12787Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
12788Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
12789Mighty nice!
12790%
12791Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
12792%
12793Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
12794%
12795Bilbo's First Law:
12796 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
12797%
12798Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
12799 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
12800%
12801Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
12802 generation to generation?
12803Mom: Yes?
12804Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
12805%
12806Binary, adj.:
12807 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
12808%
12809Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
12810and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
12811 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
12812%
12813Bing's Rule:
12814 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
12815%
12816Biology grows on you.
12817%
12818Biology is the only science in which
12819multiplication means the same thing as division.
12820%
12821Bipolar, adj.:
12822 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
12823New York
12824%
12825Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
12826nightgowns do with keeping warm.
12827 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
12828%
12829Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
12830%
12831Birth, n.:
12832 The first and direst of all disasters.
12833 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12834%
12835Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
12836%
12837Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
12838behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
12839absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
12840time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
12841time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
12842on the observer's movement in restaurants.
12843 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
12844%
12845bit, n:
12846 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
12847 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
12848 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
12849 ago.
12850%
12851Bit off more than my mind could chew,
12852Shower or suicide, what do I do?
12853 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
12854%
12855Biz is better.
12856%
12857Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
12858%
12859Bizoos, n.:
12860 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
12861basketball.
12862 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12863%
12864Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
12865are involved in when they burn stores.
12866 -- Julius Lester
12867%
12868Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
12869Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
12870Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
12871They were just some of my tropical fish.
12872
12873Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
12874Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
12875Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
12876Now I have many less tropical fish.
12877
12878 If you think that
12879 Fish are peaceful
12880 That's an empty wish.
12881 Just dump them together
12882 And leave them alone,
12883 And soon you will have -- no fish.
12884 -- To My Favorite Things
12885%
12886Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
12887The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
12888A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
12889She wants to hit those bricks,
12890 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
12891While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
12892The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
12893I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
12894I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
12895 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
12896%
12897Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
12898%
12899Blessed are the forgetful: for they
12900get the better even of their blunders.
12901 -- Nietzsche
12902%
12903Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
12904%
12905Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
12906 -- Herbert Hoover
12907%
12908Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
12909to say it.
12910 -- James Russell Lowell
12911%
12912Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
12913for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
12914%
12915Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
12916 -- W. C. Bennett
12917%
12918Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
12919 -- Alexander Pope
12920%
12921Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
12922for he shall enjoy living.
12923 -- W. C. Bennett
12924%
12925Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
12926abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
12927 -- George Eliot
12928%
12929Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
12930 -- David Nichols
12931%
12932BLISS is ignorance
12933%
12934blithwapping:
12935 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
12936 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
12937 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
12938%
12939Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
12940%
12941Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
12942%
12943Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
12944 The judge's jokes are always funny.
12945%
12946Blore's Razor:
12947 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
12948funnier.
12949%
12950Blow it out your ear.
12951%
12952Blue paint today.
12953 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
12954%
12955Blutarsky's Axiom:
12956 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
12957%
12958Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
12959plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
12960it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
12961arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
12962throwing up on them.
12963%
12964Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
12965%
12966Boling's postulate:
12967 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
12968%
12969Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
12970 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
12971 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
12972%
12973Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
12974 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
12975%
12976Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
12977seemed to come from Texas.
12978 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
12979%
12980Bondage maybe, discipline never!
12981 -- T. K.
12982%
12983Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
12984%
12985BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
12986%
12987Boob's Law:
12988 You always find something in the last place you look.
12989%
12990Booker's Law:
12991 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
12992%
12993Bore, n.:
12994 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
12995 -- Walter Winchell
12996%
12997Bore, n.:
12998 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
12999 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13000%
13001Boren's Laws:
13002 (1) When in charge, ponder.
13003 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
13004 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
13005%
13006boss, n:
13007 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
13008 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
13009 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
13010 ornamental stud."
13011%
13012Boston:
13013 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
13014%
13015Boston, n.:
13016 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
13017finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
13018%
13019Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
13020that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
13021straightened out for a crowbar.
13022 -- O. W. Holmes
13023%
13024Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
13025interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
13026on the same communications line connection.
13027 -- Bell System Technical Reference
13028%
13029Boucher's Observation:
13030 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
13031 several octaves higher than originally written.
13032%
13033Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
13034 -- Ralph Lewin
13035%
13036Bower's Law:
13037 Talent goes where the action is.
13038%
13039Bowie's Theorem:
13040 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
13041%
13042Boy! Eucalyptus!
13043%
13044Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
13045You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13046Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13047To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13048Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13049And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13050 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
13051%
13052Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
13053'Advanced Systems Development' group!
13054%
13055Boy, life takes a long time to live
13056 -- Steven Wright
13057%
13058boy, n:
13059 A noise with dirt on it.
13060%
13061Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
13062%
13063Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
13064%
13065Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
13066when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
13067 -- James Thurber
13068%
13069Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
13070 -- Kin Hubbard
13071%
13072Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
13073together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
13074tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
13075on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
13076They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
13077clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
13078Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
13079well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
13080like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
13081which is all the time.
13082 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
13083%
13084Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
13085unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
13086(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
13087to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
13088 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
13089 Style"
13090%
13091Bradley's Bromide:
13092 If computers get too powerful, we can organize
13093 them into a committee -- that will do them in.
13094%
13095Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
13096 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
13097 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
13098 have handled this?"
13099%
13100Brain fried -- core dumped
13101%
13102brain, n:
13103 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
13104 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13105%
13106brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
13107 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
13108 of error in an opponent.
13109 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13110%
13111brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
13112theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
13113Multics, adj:
13114 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
13115 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
13116 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
13117 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
13118%
13119Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
13120is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
13121off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
13122single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
13123kept going, sliding safely into third base.
13124 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
13125bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
13126Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
13127took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
13128 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
13129start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
13130into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
13131shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
13132 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
13133%
13134Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
13135 -- Charles Lamb
13136%
13137Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
13138 -- Randy Goebel
13139%
13140Break into jail and claim police brutality.
13141%
13142Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
13143since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
13144 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13145%
13146Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
13147Watch lights fade from every room.
13148Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
13149another day's useless energies spent.
13150
13151Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
13152Lonely man cries for love and has none.
13153New mother picks up and suckles her son.
13154Senior citizens wish they were young.
13155
13156Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
13157Removes the colors from our sight.
13158Red is grey and yellow white.
13159But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
13160 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
13161%
13162Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
13163%
13164Bride, n.:
13165 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
13166 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13167%
13168Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
13169%
13170briefcase, n:
13171 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
13172%
13173Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
13174data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
13175an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
13176and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
13177which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
13178in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
13179hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
13180construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
13181assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
13182only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
13183of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
13184analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
13185appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
13186 -- A. Benjamin
13187%
13188Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
13189 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
13190i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
13191 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
13192
13193"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
13194 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
13195fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
13196 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
13197 -- "The Jabberwock"
13198%
13199Bringing computers into the home won't change
13200either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
13201%
13202Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
13203more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
13204If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
13205brusque, your character.
13206 -- Jonathan Swift
13207%
13208British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
13209it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
13210 -- Peter Ustinov
13211%
13212British Israelites:
13213 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
13214be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
13215on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
13216can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
13217means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
13218believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
13219and take all your teeth.
13220 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13221%
13222broad-mindedness, n:
13223 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
13224%
13225Brogan's Constant:
13226 People tend to congregate in the back
13227 of the church and the front of the bus.
13228%
13229brokee, n:
13230 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
13231%
13232Brontosaurus Principle:
13233 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
13234in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
13235this occurs, they are an endangered species.
13236 -- Thomas K. Connellan
13237%
13238Brooke's Law:
13239 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
13240 discovers something which either abolishes the system or
13241 expands it beyond recognition.
13242%
13243Brooks' Law:
13244 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
13245%
13246Brucify, v:
13247 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
13248 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
13249 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
13250 {frustrate}]
13251 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
13252 (of one of the two other meanings).
13253The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
13254Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
13255reviews just done in his spirit.
13256%
13257BS: You remind me of a man.
13258B: What man?
13259BS: The man with the power.
13260B: What power?
13261BS: The power of voodoo.
13262B: Voodoo?
13263BS: You do.
13264B: Do what?
13265BS: Remind me of a man.
13266B: What man?
13267BS: The man with the power...
13268 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
13269%
13270Bubble Memory, n.:
13271 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
13272intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
13273%
13274Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
13275%
13276Bucy's Law:
13277 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
13278%
13279Bug:
13280 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
13281 The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends
13282 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
13283%
13284Bug, n.:
13285 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
13286programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
13287wrote the program.
13288
13289Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
13290 -- Ray Simard
13291%
13292bug, n:
13293 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
13294 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
13295 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
13296 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
13297%
13298Bugs, pl. n.:
13299 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
13300living girls.
13301%
13302Building translators is good clean fun.
13303 -- T. Cheatham
13304%
13305BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
13306 outfit."
13307GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
13308BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
13309 -- Jay Ward
13310%
13311Bumper sticker:
13312 All the parts falling off this car are
13313 of the very finest British manufacture.
13314%
13315Bunker's Admonition:
13316 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
13317%
13318BURBULATION:
13319 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
13320 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
13321 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
13322%
13323Bureau Termination, Law of:
13324 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
13325 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
13326 12 months after the decision is made.
13327%
13328bureaucracy, n:
13329 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
13330%
13331Bureaucrat, n.:
13332 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
13333 -- J. McCabe
13334%
13335bureaucrat, n:
13336 A politician who has tenure.
13337%
13338Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
13339%
13340Burke's Postulates:
13341 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
13342 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
13343%
13344Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
13345 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
13346 sawhorse.
13347 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
13348 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
13349 perfectly balanced.
13350 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
13351 -- Robert Burns
13352%
13353Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
13354 -- Ken Weaver
13355%
13356Bus error -- driver executed.
13357%
13358Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
13359%
13360Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
13361%
13362Business is a good game -- lots of competition
13363and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
13364 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
13365%
13366Business will be either better or worse.
13367 -- Calvin Coolidge
13368%
13369But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
13370%
13371"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
13372paws."
13373%
13374But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
13375 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
13376%
13377But has any little atom,
13378 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
13379Ever stopped to think or CARE
13380 That E = m c**2 ?
13381%
13382"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
13383"Tell 'em I lied."
13384%
13385But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
13386I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
13387kill more than I could eat.
13388 -- Raoul Duke
13389%
13390But I don't like Spam!!!!
13391%
13392"But I don't want to go on the cart..."
13393"Oh, don't be such a baby!"
13394"But I'm feeling much better..."
13395"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
13396 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
13397%
13398But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
13399back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
13400what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
13401to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
13402true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
13403theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
13404even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
13405crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
13406that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
13407with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
13408everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
13409therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
13410arrogance down.
13411 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
13412%
13413But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
13414nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
13415 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
13416%
13417But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
13418system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
13419analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
13420 -- Bruce Leverett,
13421 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
13422%
13423But it does move!
13424 -- Galileo Galilei
13425%
13426But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
13427%
13428But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
13429In proving foresight may be vain:
13430The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
13431Gang aft a-gley,
13432An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
13433For promised joy.
13434 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
13435%
13436But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
13437%
13438But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
13439%
13440"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
13441to the nearest gas station."
13442%
13443But scientists, who ought to know
13444Assure us that it must be so.
13445Oh, let us never, never doubt
13446What nobody is sure about.
13447 -- Hilaire Belloc
13448%
13449But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
13450%
13451But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
13452frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
13453 -- M. Proust
13454%
13455But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
13456Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
13457But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
13458 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
13459%
13460But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
13461was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
13462education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
134631877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
13464American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
13465invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
13466invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
13467adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
13468electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
13469electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
13470part) sends it right back to the customer again.
13471
13472This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
13473of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
13474very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
13475In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
13476States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
13477ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
13478increases.
13479 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
13480%
13481But these pills can't be habit forming;
13482I've been taking them for years.
13483%
13484But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
13485place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
13486Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
13487is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
13488enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
13489Have I explained yet about the bytes?
13490%
13491"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
13492computers?"
13493%
13494But you shall not escape my iambics.
13495 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
13496%
13497But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
13498reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
13499those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
13500 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
13501%
13502Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
13503Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
13504Less dear than army ants in apple pies
13505Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
13506Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
13507Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
13508They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
13509Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
13510Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
13511And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
13512Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
13513Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
13514Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
13515Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
13516%
13517buzzword, n:
13518 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
13519%
13520By doing just a little every day, you can
13521gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
13522%
13523By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
13524%
13525By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
13526designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
13527 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
13528 Fool's column.
13529%
13530By nature, men are nearly alike;
13531by practice, they get to be wide apart.
13532 -- Confucius
13533%
13534By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
13535In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
13536as it is to invent.
13537 -- R. Emerson
13538 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
13539 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
13540 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
13541 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
13542%
13543By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
13544 -- Charles Spurgeon
13545%
13546By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
13547 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
13548%
13549"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
13550to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
13551 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
13552%
13553By the time you swear you're his,
13554shivering and sighing
13555and he vows his passion is
13556infinite, undying --
13557Lady, make a note of this:
13558One of you is lying.
13559 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
13560%
13561By the yard, life is hard.
13562By the inch, it's a cinch.
13563%
13564By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
13565Another man's, I mean.
13566 -- Mark Twain
13567%
13568By working faithfully eight hours a day,
13569you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
13570 -- Robert Frost
13571%
13572byob, v:
13573 Believing Your Own Bull
13574%
13575Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
13576point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
13577fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
13578often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
13579from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
13580that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often
13581wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
13582they wanted to be.
13583 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13584%
13585BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
13586carefully print the chaff.
13587%
13588Byte your tongue.
13589%
13590C Code.
13591C Code Run.
13592Run, Code, RUN!
13593 PLEASE!!!!
13594%
13595C for yourself.
13596%
13597C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
13598%
13599C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
13600harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
13601 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
13602%
13603C, n:
13604 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
13605 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
13606 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
13607 it isn't.
13608 -- Ray Simard
13609%
13610Cabbage, n.:
13611 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
13612a man's head.
13613 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13614%
13615"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
13616 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
13617%
13618Cache:
13619 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
13620 is supposed to know is there.
13621%
13622California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
13623 -- Fred Allen
13624%
13625California, n.:
13626 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
13627Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
13628"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
13629 -- Ed Moran
13630%
13631Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
13632and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
13633coffee.
13634%
13635Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
13636 -- Indian proverb
13637%
13638Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
13639current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
13640damnation.
13641 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
13642 Life of Hall"
13643
13644 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
13645 referring to logical names.]
13646%
13647"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
13648Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
13649%
13650Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
13651 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
13652%
13653Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
13654Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
13655Calm down, and speak to me in English,
13656Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
13657%
13658Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
13659Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
13660Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
13661%
13662Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
13663 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
13664%
13665Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
13666who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
13667 -- Clarence Darrow
13668%
13669Campbell's Law:
13670 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
13671%
13672Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
13673%
13674Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
13675points.
13676 -- M. M. Johnston
13677%
13678Can anyone remember when the times
13679were not hard, and money not scarce?
13680%
13681Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
13682Yes, work never begun.
13683%
13684Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
13685only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
13686 -- Robert J. Ringer
13687%
13688Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
13689 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
13690
13691Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
13692 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
13693%
13694Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
13695It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
13696 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
13697%
13698Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
13699Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
13700A root or two, a torus and a node:
13701The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
13702 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13703%
13704CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13705 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
13706 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
13707 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
13708 when you're poor and unhappy.
13709%
13710CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13711 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
13712problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
13713off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
13714recipients are Cancer people.
13715%
13716Canonical, adj.:
13717 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
13718One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
13719of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
13720much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
13721Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
13722fashion without thinking.
13723 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
13724 Stallman: "What did he say?"
13725 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
13726%
13727Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
13728 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
13729 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
13730%
13731Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
13732%
13733Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
13734%
13735Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
13736the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
13737 -- John Maynard Keynes
13738%
13739CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
13740 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
13741 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
13742 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
13743 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
13744 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
13745%
13746CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
13747 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
13748 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
13749 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
13750%
13751CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
13752 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
13753 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
13754 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
13755 too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
13756%
13757Captain Penny's Law:
13758 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
13759 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
13760%
13761Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
13762%
13763Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
13764Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
13765mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
13766takes.
13767%
13768Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
13769trousers that don't match.
13770%
13771Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
13772the name Craney incorrectly.
13773 -- Jim Canrey
13774%
13775Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
13776fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
13777the same can be said of dirt.
13778%
13779Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
13780 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
13781dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
13782putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
13783 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13784%
13785Carson's Consolation:
13786 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
13787 It can always be used as a bad example.
13788%
13789Carson's Observation on Footwear:
13790 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
13791%
13792Carswell's Corollary:
13793 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
13794 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
13795%
13796Cat, n.:
13797 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
13798%
13799Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
13800 -- The Beach Boys
13801%
13802Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
13803 -- Howard Chaykin
13804%
13805Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
13806%
13807Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
13808 -- Garrison Keillor
13809%
13810Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
13811a sled through the snow.
13812%
13813Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
13814%
13815Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
13816 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
13817%
13818Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
13819%
13820Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
13821%
13822CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
13823%
13824CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
13825%
13826Cecil, you're my final hope
13827Of finding out the true Straight Dope
13828For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
13829But none of my cats are at all like that.
13830This unusual animal (so it is said)
13831Is simultaneously alive and dead!
13832What I don't understand is just why he
13833Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
13834My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
13835In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
13836If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
13837And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
13838But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
13839Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
13840 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
13841 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
13842%
13843Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
13844%
13845Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
13846of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
13847incorrect model can be a useful tool.
13848 -- Kelvin Throop III
13849%
13850Census Taker to Housewife:
13851Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
13852%
13853Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
13854%
13855cerebral atrophy, n:
13856 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
13857impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
13858symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
13859performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
13860everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
13861and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
13862victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
13863
13864cerebral darwinism, n:
13865 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
13866through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
13867alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
13868the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
13869first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
13870imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
13871Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
13872performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
13873%
13874Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
13875Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
13876Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
13877 out of it?
13878Jaka: Ugh!
13879Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
13880 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
13881%
13882Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
13883walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
13884then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
13885health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
13886not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
13887only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
13888others who have tried it.
13889 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13890%
13891
13892Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
13893most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
13894Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
13895reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
13896nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
13897but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
13898nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
13899 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
13900%
13901Certainly the game is rigged.
13902Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
13903 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
13904%
13905Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
13906But it's very funny --
13907did you ever try buying them without money?
13908 -- Ogden Nash
13909%
13910C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
13911%
13912C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
13913 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
13914%
13915CF&C stole it, fair and square.
13916 -- Tim Hahn
13917%
13918Chairman of the Bored.
13919%
13920Chamberlain's Laws:
13921 1: The big guys always win.
13922 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
13923%
13924Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
13925Ain't nobody's business but my own.
13926 -- Taj Mahal
13927%
13928Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
13929 -- Anatole France
13930%
13931Change your thoughts and you change your world.
13932%
13933Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
13934 -- Kathleen Norris
13935%
13936Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
13937%
13938Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
13939
13940 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
13941Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
13942that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
13943quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
13944mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
13945a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
13946can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
13947race in general.
13948%
13949character density, n.:
13950 The number of very weird people in the office.
13951%
13952Character is what you are in the dark!
13953 -- Lord John Whorfin
13954%
13955CHARITY:
13956 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
13957%
13958Charity begins at home.
13959 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
13960%
13961Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
13962Linus: To make others happy.
13963Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
13964%
13965Charlie was a chemist,
13966But Charlie is no more.
13967What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
13968%
13969Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
13970without having asked any clear question.
13971%
13972Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
13973%
13974Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
13975they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
13976%
13977checkuary, n:
13978 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
13979 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
13980%
13981Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
13982%
13983Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
13984 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
13985%
13986Chef, n:
13987 Any cook who swears in French.
13988%
13989Cheit's Lament:
13990 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
13991 the next time he's in need.
13992%
13993Chemicals, n.:
13994 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
13995%
13996Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
13997%
13998Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
13999%
14000Chemistry is applied theology.
14001 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
14002%
14003Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
14004%
14005Cheops' Law:
14006 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
14007%
14008"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
14009 which way I ought to go from here?"
14010"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
14011"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
14012"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
14013%
14014Chess tonight.
14015%
14016Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
14017%
14018Chicago, n.:
14019 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
14020%
14021Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
14022 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
14023headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
14024 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
14025%
14026Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
14027 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
14028for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
14029cheerfully baste you.
14030 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
14031%
14032Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
14033Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
14034%
14035Chicken Little only has to be right once.
14036%
14037Chicken Little was right.
14038%
14039Chicken Soup:
14040 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
14041 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
14042 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
14043 -- Arthur Naiman
14044%
14045Chicken Soup, n.:
14046 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
14047cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
14048is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
14049 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
14050%
14051Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
14052shivers when it's warm.
14053%
14054Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
14055them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
14056%
14057Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
14058despite every effort to teach them good manners.
14059%
14060Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
14061going to catch you in next.
14062 -- Franklin P. Jones
14063%
14064Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
14065And that's what parents were created for.
14066 -- Ogden Nash
14067%
14068Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
14069Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
14070 -- Oscar Wilde
14071%
14072Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
14073repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
14074%
14075Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
14076 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
14077%
14078Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
14079%
14080Chism's Law of Completion:
14081 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
14082 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
14083%
14084Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
14085 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
14086%
14087Chivalry, Schmivalry!
14088 Roger the thief has a
14089 method he uses for
14090 sneaky attacks:
14091Folks who are reading are
14092 Characteristically
14093 Always Forgetting to
14094 Guard their own bac ...
14095%
14096Chocolate Chip.
14097%
14098Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
14099a friend if she were a man.
14100 -- Joubert
14101%
14102Chorus:
14103 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
14104 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
14105 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
14106 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
14107She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
14108And we begged her not to go.
14109But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
14110And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
14111 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
14112 And incriminating claus-marks on her
14113Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
14114He's been taking this so well.
14115See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
14116Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
14117 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
14118 They should never give a license,
14119 To a man who drives a sleigh and
14120 plays with elves!
14121 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
14122%
14123Christ:
14124 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
14125%
14126Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
14127%
14128Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
14129difficult and not tried.
14130 -- G. K. Chesterton
14131%
14132Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
14133 -- George Bernard Shaw
14134%
14135Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
14136Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
14137Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
14138Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
14139
14140On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
14141Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
14142There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
14143The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
14144
14145It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
14146It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
14147Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
14148What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
14149 Angels We Have Heard On High,
14150Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
14151Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
14152Driving his reindeer across the sky,
14153Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
14154 -- Tom Lehrer
14155%
14156Churchill's Commentary on Man:
14157 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
14158 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
14159%
14160Cigarette, n.:
14161 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
14162between.
14163%
14164Cinemuck, n.:
14165 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
14166 covers the floors of movie theaters.
14167 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
14168%
14169Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
14170 -- Herodotus
14171%
14172Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
14173 -- Calvin Coolidge
14174%
14175Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
14176See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
14177%
14178Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
14179 -- Mark Twain
14180%
14181clairvoyant, n.:
14182 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
14183which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
14184 -- Ambrose Bierce
14185%
14186Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
14187aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
14188 -- Samuel Johnson
14189%
14190Clarke's Conclusion:
14191 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
14192%
14193Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
14194Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
14195 -- "Bugsy" Siegel
14196%
14197Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
14198leading the parade.
14199 -- Bill Battie
14200%
14201Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
14202 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
14203%
14204Clay's Conclusion:
14205 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
14206%
14207Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
14208the walk before it stops snowing.
14209 -- Phyllis Diller
14210%
14211There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
14212the dirt doesn't get any worse.
14213 -- Quentin Crisp
14214%
14215Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
14216 -- P. J. O'Rourke
14217%
14218Cleanliness is next to impossible.
14219%
14220CLEVELAND:
14221 Where their last tornado did six
14222 million dollars worth of improvements.
14223%
14224Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead.
14225%
14226Cleveland?
14227Yes, I spent a week there one day.
14228%
14229Climate and Surgery
14230 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
14231received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
14232the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
14233day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
14234riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
14235recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
14236 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
14237%
14238Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
14239 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
14240 "Well, yes, I am."
14241 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
14242 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
14243me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
14244passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
14245please?" it asked the bartender.
14246 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
14247"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
14248 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
14249%
14250clone, n:
14251 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
14252 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
14253 is a clone of our product."
14254%
14255Clones are people two.
14256%
14257Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
14258%
14259Clothes make the man.
14260Naked people have little or no influence on society.
14261 -- Mark Twain
14262%
14263Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
14264 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
14265 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
14266 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
14267%
14268Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
14269Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
14270 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14271
14272Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
14273Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
14274 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14275
14276Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
14277Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
14278 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14279%
14280Coach: How's it going, Norm?
14281Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
14282 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
14283
14284Sam: What's up, Norm?
14285Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
14286 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
14287
14288Coach: What's the story, Norm?
14289Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
14290 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
14291%
14292Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
14293Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
14294 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
14295
14296Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
14297Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
14298 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
14299
14300Sam: What will you have, Norm?
14301Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
14302 of whatever comes out of that tap.
14303Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
14304Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
14305 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
14306%
14307Coach: What's up, Norm?
14308Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
14309 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14310
14311Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
14312Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
14313 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14314
14315Coach: Beer, Normie?
14316Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
14317 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
14318 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14319%
14320COBOL:
14321 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
14322%
14323COBOL:
14324 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
14325%
14326COBOL is for morons.
14327 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14328%
14329Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
14330%
14331Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
14332%
14333Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh".
14334 -- Wes Peters
14335%
14336Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
14337terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
14338%
14339Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
14340"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
14341 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14342%
14343"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
14344 -- Blair Houghton
14345%
14346Cohen's Law:
14347 There is no bottom to worse.
14348%
14349Cohn's Law:
14350 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
14351 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
14352 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
14353%
14354Coincidence, n.:
14355 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
14356going on.
14357%
14358Coincidences are spiritual puns.
14359 -- G. K. Chesterton
14360%
14361Cold, adj.:
14362 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
14363%
14364Cold, adj.:
14365 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
14366pockets.
14367%
14368Cold hands, no gloves.
14369%
14370Cole's Law:
14371 Thinly sliced cabbage.
14372%
14373Collaboration, n.:
14374 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
14375other fellow can spell.
14376%
14377COLLEGE:
14378 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
14379%
14380College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
14381faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
14382the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
14383legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
14384loss to humanity.
14385 -- H. L. Mencken
14386%
14387COLORADO:
14388 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
14389%
14390Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
14391%
14392Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
14393
143940. integrated 0. management 0. options
143951. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
143962. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
143973. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
143984. functional 4. digital 4. programming
143995. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
144006. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
144017. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
144028. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
144039. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
14404
14405 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
14406the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
14407"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
14408virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
14409one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
14410"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
14411 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
14412%
14413Colvard's Logical Premises:
14414 All probabilities are 50%.
14415Either a thing will happen or it won't.
14416
14417Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
14418 This is especially true when
14419 dealing with someone you're attracted to.
14420
14421Grelb's Commentary:
14422 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
14423%
14424Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
14425And every vector dreams of matrices.
14426Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
14427It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
14428 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14429%
14430Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
14431Your winter garment of repentance fling.
14432The bird of time has but a little way
14433To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
14434 -- Omar Khayyam
14435%
14436Come home America.
14437 -- George McGovern, 1972
14438%
14439Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
14440Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
14441 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
14442%
14443Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
14444Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
14445Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
14446Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
14447 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14448%
14449Come live with me, and be my love,
14450And we will some new pleasures prove
14451Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
14452With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14453 -- John Donne
14454%
14455Come live with me and be my love,
14456And we will some new pleasures prove
14457Of golden sands and crystal brooks
14458With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14459There's nothing that I wouldn't do
14460If you would be my POSSLQ.
14461
14462You live with me, and I with you,
14463And you will be my POSSLQ.
14464I'll be your friend and so much more;
14465That's what a POSSLQ is for.
14466
14467And everything we will confess;
14468Yes, even to the IRS.
14469Some day on what we both may earn,
14470Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
14471You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
14472You'll share my life - up to a point!
14473And that you'll be so glad to do,
14474Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
14475%
14476Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
14477 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
14478%
14479Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
14480 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
14481%
14482Come, you spirits
14483That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
14484And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
14485Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
14486Stop up the access and passage to remorse
14487That no compunctious visiting of nature
14488Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
14489The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
14490And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
14491Wherever in your sightless substances
14492You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
14493And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
14494That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
14495Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
14496To cry `Hold, hold!'
14497 -- Lady MacBeth
14498%
14499Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
14500%
14501Coming to Stores Near You:
14502
14503101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
14504
14505 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
14506 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
14507 I'm Not Misbehaving
14508
14509And A Whole Lot More...
14510%
14511Coming together is a beginning;
14512 keeping together is progress;
14513 working together is success.
14514%
14515Command, n.:
14516 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
14517such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
14518%
14519Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
14520 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
14521%
14522Commitment, n.:
14523 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
14524The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
14525%
14526Committee, n.:
14527 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
14528decide that nothing can be done.
14529 -- Fred Allen
14530%
14531Committee Rules:
14532 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
14533 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
14534 stamps you as being wise.
14535 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
14536 others.
14537 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
14538 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
14539 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
14540%
14541Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
14542be appointed to do the work.
14543%
14544Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
14545different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
14546 -- Clive James
14547%
14548Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
14549 -- Josh Billings
14550%
14551Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
14552 -- Albert Einstein
14553%
14554Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
14555Everyone thinks he has enough.
14556 -- Descartes, 1637
14557%
14558Commoner's three laws of ecology:
14559 1) No action is without side-effects.
14560 2) Nothing ever goes away.
14561 3) There is no free lunch.
14562%
14563Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
14564%
14565Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
14566of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
14567 -- David Guaspari
14568%
14569Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
14570has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
14571either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
14572stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
14573misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
14574the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
14575characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
14576 -- Dan Klein
14577%
14578COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
14579one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
14580 -- J. N. Gray
14581%
14582Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
14583is in the eye of the beholder.
14584 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
14585%
14586Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
14587courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
14588be enough.
14589 -- Gene Scott
14590%
14591COMPLEX SYSTEM:
14592 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
14593%
14594COMPLIMENT:
14595 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
14596%
14597compuberty, n:
14598 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
14599 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
14600 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
14601%
14602COMPUTER:
14603 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
14604 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
14605 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
14606%
14607Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
14608%
14609Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
14610%
14611Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
14612%
14613COMPUTER SCIENCE:
14614 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
14615 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
14616 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
14617 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
14618 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
14619 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
14620 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
14621%
14622Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
14623telescopes.
14624 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14625%
14626Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
14627adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
14628 -- Jim Horning
14629%
14630Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
14631%
14632Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
14633Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
14634 -- Gilb
14635%
14636Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
14637 -- Pablo Picasso
14638%
14639Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
14640the world that just don't add up.
14641%
14642Computers don't actually think.
14643 You just think they think.
14644 (We think.)
14645%
14646Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
14647than the estimate the job will cost.
14648%
14649Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
14650 -- LaRouchefoucauld
14651%
14652Concept, n.:
14653 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
14654$25,000.
14655%
14656Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
14657from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
14658 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
14659%
14660Condense soup, not books!
14661%
14662CONFERENCE:
14663 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
14664 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
14665 he's already decided to do.
14666%
14667Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
14668confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
14669 -- Josh Billings
14670%
14671Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
14672%
14673Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
14674that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
14675 -- Peter de Vries
14676%
14677Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
14678the reputation.
14679 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
14680%
14681Confidant, confidante, n:
14682 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
14683 -- Ambrose Bierce
14684%
14685Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
14686fall flag on your face.
14687 -- Dr. L. Binder
14688%
14689Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
14690%
14691CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
14692 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
14693%
14694Conflicting research paradigms
14695Have legitimized various crimes.
14696 The worst we can see
14697 Is in psychology,
14698Measuring reaction times.
14699%
14700Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
14701%
14702Confucius say too damn much!
14703%
14704Confucius say too much.
14705 -- Recent Chinese Proverb
14706%
14707Confusion will be my epitaph
14708as I walk a cracked and broken path
14709If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
14710but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
14711 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
14712%
14713Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
14714If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
14715hesitate to ask!
14716%
14717Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
14718would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
14719you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
14720maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
14721OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
14722UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
14723IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
14724WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
14725SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
14726RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
14727RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
14728FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
14729 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
14730%
14731Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
14732
14733He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
14734Year award.
14735%
14736"Congratulations!
14737
14738Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If
14739v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing
14740a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker
14741with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into
14742a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it
14743left."
14744
14745 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain
14746 nameless to the development team after releasing
14747 the second version of their product.
14748%
14749Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
14750
14751 Mathematician's Proof:
14752 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
14753 odd numbers are prime.
14754 Physicist's Proof:
14755 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
14756 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14757 Engineer's Proof:
14758 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
14759 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14760 Computer Scientists's Proof:
14761 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
14762%
14763Connector Conspiracy, n:
14764 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
14765KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
14766manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
14767to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
14768stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
14769interface devices.
14770%
14771Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
14772%
14773Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
14774 -- Shakespeare
14775%
14776Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
14777 -- H. L. Mencken
14778%
14779Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
14780when everything else feels great.
14781%
14782Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
14783 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
14784%
14785Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
14786wish you weren't.
14787%
14788CONSENT DECREE:
14789 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
14790 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
14791 never admitted to in the first place.
14792%
14793"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
14794 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
14795%
14796Conservative:
14797 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
14798 -- Leo C. Rosten
14799%
14800Conservative, n:
14801 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
14802 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
14803 -- Ambrose Bierce
14804%
14805"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
14806 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
14807%
14808Consider the following axioms carefully:
14809 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
14810 and
14811 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
14812What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
14813thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
14814consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
14815%
14816Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
14817it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
14818 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
14819%
14820Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
14821the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
14822 -- Josh Billings
14823%
14824CONSULTANT:
14825 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
14826 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
14827 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
14828 Calculator, Will Travel.
14829%
14830CONSULTANT:
14831 An ordinary man a long way from home.
14832%
14833CONSULTANT:
14834 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
14835 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
14836 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
14837 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
14838 and heavy wallet.
14839%
14840CONSULTANT:
14841 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
14842 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
14843%
14844Consultants are mystical people who ask a
14845company for a number and then give it back to them.
14846%
14847CONSULTATION:
14848 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
14849%
14850Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
14851the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
14852we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
14853will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
14854seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
14855 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
14856%
14857"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
14858if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
14859 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
14860%
14861"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
14862technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
14863%
14864Convention is the ruler of all.
14865 -- Pindar
14866%
14867Conversation enriches the understanding,
14868but solitude is the school of genius.
14869%
14870Conversation, n.:
14871 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
14872is called the listener.
14873%
14874Conway's Law:
14875 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
14876 what is going on.
14877
14878 This person must be fired.
14879%
14880Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
14881line-up.
14882 -- Raymond Chandler
14883%
14884COPYING MACHINE:
14885 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
14886 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
14887 interested in reading them.
14888%
14889Coronation, n.:
14890 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
14891visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
14892bomb.
14893 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14894%
14895Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
14896 -- Goethe
14897%
14898Corrupt, adj.:
14899 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
14900%
14901Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
14902of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
14903capitalism.
14904 -- Walter Lippmann
14905%
14906Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
14907His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
14908 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
14909%
14910Corry's Law:
14911 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
14912%
14913Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
14914at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
14915the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
14916mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
14917being easier to stake.
14918%
14919Counting in binary is just like counting
14920in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
14921 -- Glaser and Way
14922%
14923Counting in octal is just like counting
14924in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
14925 -- Tom Lehrer
14926%
14927Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
14928%
14929Courage is grace under pressure.
14930%
14931Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
14932 -- Mark Twain
14933%
14934Courage is your greatest present need.
14935%
14936court, n.:
14937 A place where they dispense with justice.
14938 -- Arthur Train
14939%
14940Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
14941 -- William Congreve
14942%
14943Coward, n.:
14944 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
14945 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14946%
14947[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
14948with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
14949 -- Wernher von Braun
14950%
14951Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
14952%
14953Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
14954process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
14955attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
14956enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
14957and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
14958between adequacy and excellence.
14959%
14960Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
14961peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
14962ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
14963say it was obvious all along.
14964 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
14965%
14966Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
14967%
14968Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
14969sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
14970%
14971Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
14972 -- James Blish
14973%
14974CREDITOR:
14975 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
14976%
14977Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
14978 If you are the first to know about something bad,
14979 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
14980 regardless of your formal duties.
14981%
14982Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
14983 -- A. E. Neuman
14984%
14985Critic, n.:
14986 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
14987 to please him.
14988 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14989%
14990Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
14991 -- Zeuxis
14992%
14993Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
14994seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
14995 -- Brendan Behan
14996%
14997Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
14998 -- Socrates' last words
14999%
15000Croll's Query:
15001 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
15002%
15003Cropp's Law:
15004 The amount of work done varies inversely
15005 with the time spent in the office.
15006%
15007Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
15008 -- Madonna
15009%
15010Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
15011 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
15012 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
15013 much work has already been done on it.
15014%
15015Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
15016%
15017Crush! Kill! Destroy!
15018%
15019Cthulhu Cthucks!
15020%
15021Cthulhu for President!
15022 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
15023%
15024Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
15025%
15026Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
15027%
15028Cure the disease and kill the patient.
15029 -- Francis Bacon
15030%
15031CURSOR:
15032 One whose program will not run.
15033 -- Robb Russon
15034%
15035cursor address, n:
15036 "Hello, cursor!"
15037 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15038%
15039curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
15040environment.
15041 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
15042addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
15043matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
15044people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
15045Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
15046The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
15047the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
15048order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
15049Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
15050check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
15051possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
15052columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
15053cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
15054with us.
15055
15056MOZ DONG n.
15057 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
15058Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
15059Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
15060 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15061%
15062Custer committed Siouxicide.
15063%
15064Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
15065of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
15066 -- Gerry Youghkins
15067
15068If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
15069don't like it.
15070 -- Gerry Youghkins
15071%
15072Cutler Webster's Law:
15073 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
15074 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
15075%
15076Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
15077eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
15078business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
15079 -- Johnny Hart
15080%
15081CYNIC:
15082 Experienced.
15083%
15084Cynic, n.:
15085 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
15086as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
15087out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
15088 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15089%
15090Cynic, n.:
15091 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
15092eye.
15093%
15094Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
15095several of us died of tuberculosis.
15096 -- Jack Handey
15097%
15098<Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser,
15099though?
15100
15101<``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing
15102it lacks is a decent editor
15103%
15104DALLAS:
15105 The city that chose Astroturf to
15106 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
15107%
15108Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
15109%
15110Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
15111%
15112"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
15113%
15114Damn braces.
15115 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
15116%
15117Damn, I need a Coke!
15118 -- Dr. William DeVries
15119 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
15120%
15121DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
15122%
15123Dare to be naive.
15124 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
15125%
15126Dark and lonely on a summer night
15127 Kill my landlord,
15128 Kill my landlord.
15129The watchdog barkin'
15130Do he bite?
15131 Kill my landlord,
15132 Kill my landlord.
15133Slip in his window.
15134Break his neck.
15135Then his house I start to wreck
15136Got no reason,
15137What the heck?
15138 Kill my landlord,
15139 Kill my landlord.
15140 C-I-L-L my landlord!
15141 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
15142%
15143Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
15144opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
15145 -- Oliver Herford
15146%
15147Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
15148 -- Princess Leia Organa
15149%
15150Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
15151%
15152DATA:
15153 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
15154%
15155DATA:
15156 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
15157 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
15158%
15159Data is not information;
15160Information is not knowledge;
15161Knowledge is not wisdom;
15162 -- Gary Flake
15163%
15164Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
15165Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
15166%
15167David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
15168
15169 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
15170 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
15171 * Hourly motel rates
15172 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
15173 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
15174 like some countries we could mention
15175 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
15176 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
15177 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
15178%
15179Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
15180 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
15181 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
15182%
15183Davis's Dictum:
15184 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
15185%
15186Dawn, n.:
15187 The time when men of reason go to bed.
15188 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15189%
15190Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
15191%
15192%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
15193-SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
15194%
15195DEADWOOD:
15196 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
15197%
15198Dealing with failure is easy:
15199 Work hard to improve.
15200Success is also easy to handle:
15201 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
15202%
15203Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
15204all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
15205 -- C. N. Parkinson
15206%
15207Dear Emily:
15208 How can I choose what groups to post in?
15209 -- Confused
15210
15211Dear Confused:
15212 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
15213all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
15214should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
15215Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
15216 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
15217that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
15218expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
15219header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
15220the fringe groups.
15221 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15222%
15223Dear Emily:
15224 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
15225summarize. What should I do?
15226 -- Editor
15227
15228Dear Editor:
15229 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
15230that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
15231replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
15232summarizing a vote.
15233 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15234%
15235Dear Emily:
15236 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
15237What should I do?
15238 -- Doubtful
15239
15240Dear Doubtful:
15241 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
15242dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
15243much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
15244mail.
15245 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15246%
15247Dear Emily:
15248 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
15249I do?
15250 -- Angry
15251
15252Dear Angry:
15253 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
15254between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
15255looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
15256point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
15257lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
15258 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15259%
15260Dear Emily:
15261 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
15262tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
15263his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
15264Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
15265 -- A Concerned Citizen
15266
15267Dear Concerned:
15268 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
15269experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
15270will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
15271represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
15272act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
15273society.
15274 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
15275like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
15276understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
15277literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
15278possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
15279they are always interested in good stories.
15280%
15281Dear Emily:
15282 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
15283to. How about an example?
15284 -- Still Confused
15285
15286Dear Still:
15287 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
15288the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
15289would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
15290big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
15291as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
15292news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
15293 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
15294He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
15295interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
15296soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
15297news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
15298interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
15299well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
15300there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
15301 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
15302group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
15303will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
15304 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15305%
15306Dear Emily:
15307 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
15308What should I do?
15309 -- Forgetful
15310
15311Dear Forgetful:
15312 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
15313"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
15314it is."
15315 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
15316(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
15317signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
15318about the signature anyway.
15319 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15320%
15321Dear Emily, what about test messages?
15322 -- Concerned
15323
15324Dear Concerned:
15325 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
15326merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
15327ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
15328a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
15329but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
15330by all USEnauts.
15331 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15332%
15333Dear Freshman,
15334 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
15335unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
15336prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
15337mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
15338%
15339Dear Lord:
15340 I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
15341the other hand", again.
15342%
15343Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
15344have to eat them.
15345%
15346Dear Miss Manners:
15347 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
15348elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
15349courses, is all right. Which is correct?
15350
15351Gentle Reader:
15352 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
15353economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
15354of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
15355correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
15356%
15357Dear Miss Manners:
15358 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
15359your face.
15360
15361Gentle Reader:
15362 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
15363your face ...
15364%
15365Dear Miss Manners:
15366I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
15367rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
15368This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
15369protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
15370soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
15371and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
15372umbrella without seeming insulting?
15373
15374Gentle Reader:
15375Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
15376although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
15377attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
15378Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
15379before making your attack.
15380%
15381Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
15382of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
15383will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
15384commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
15385"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
15386table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
15387says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
15388"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
15389complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
15390if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
15391dead bat?
15392
15393Answer: Yes.
15394 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15395%
15396Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
15397
15398Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
15399to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
15400WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
15401Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
15402small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
15403words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
15404 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15405%
15406Dear Ms. Postnews:
15407 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
15408 should I do?
15409 -- Eager Beaver
15410
15411Dear Eager:
15412 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
15413read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
15414posting it. All others please ignore."
15415 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
15416over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
15417time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
15418maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
15419your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
15420directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
15421as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
15422 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
15423money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
15424letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
15425 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
15426so post it as many places as you can.
15427 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15428%
15429Dear Sir,
15430 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
15431to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
15432places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
15433being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
15434employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
15435 Yours faithfully,
15436 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
15437 Sevenoaks
15438 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
15439%
15440Death before dishonor.
15441But neither before breakfast.
15442%
15443Death comes on every passing breeze,
15444He lurks in every flower;
15445Each season has its own disease,
15446Its peril -- every hour.
15447 -- Reginald Heber
15448%
15449Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
15450%
15451Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
15452of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
15453 -- Erma Bombeck
15454%
15455Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
15456%
15457Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
15458 -- R. Geis
15459%
15460Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
15461%
15462Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
15463%
15464Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
15465%
15466Death is only a state of mind.
15467
15468Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
15469%
15470Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
15471%
15472Death to all fanatics!
15473%
15474DEATH WISH:
15475 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
15476%
15477Debug is human, de-fix divine.
15478%
15479DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
15480 -- Mel Ferentz
15481%
15482Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
15483erra, n: A mistake.
15484faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
15485Linder, n: A female name.
15486memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
15487New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
15488New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
15489Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
15490Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
15491ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
15492 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
15493 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
15494%
15495Decision maker, n.:
15496 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
15497before the music stopped.
15498%
15499Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
15500whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
15501not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
15502or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
15503(unless struck by a boomerang).
15504 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
15505%
15506Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
15507 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
15508%
15509Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
15510that your life is more interesting than it really is.
15511 -- C. Schultz
15512%
15513"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
15514marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
15515quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
15516claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
15517 -- Randy Davis
15518%
15519DEFAULT:
15520 The hardware's, of course.
15521%
15522default, n.:
15523 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
15524mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
15525come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
15526 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15527%
15528Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
15529 -- Bill Musselman
15530%
15531#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
15532#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
15533 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
15534 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
15535
15536 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
15537%
15538Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
15539
15540 Hardware is what you kick;
15541 Software is what you curse.
15542%
15543Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
15544%
15545(defun NF (a c)
15546 (cond ((null c) () )
15547 ((atom (car c))
15548 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
15549 (nf a (cddr c))))
15550 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
15551
15552(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
15553 (cond
15554 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
15555 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
15556 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
15557 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
15558 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
15559 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
15560 (car 2 caadr 4)))
15561 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
15562;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
15563%
15564DEJA VU:
15565 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
15566 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15567 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15568 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15569 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15570%
15571Delay is preferable to error.
15572 -- Thomas Jefferson
15573%
15574Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
15575 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
15576
15577Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
15578 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
15579
15580 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
15581 referring to I/O system services.]
15582%
15583Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
15584related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
15585entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
15586into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
15587to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
15588history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
15589can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
15590for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
15591are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
15592 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
15593
15594I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
15595more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
15596with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
15597child.
15598 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
15599%
15600Deliberation, n.:
15601 The act of examining one's bread
15602 to determine which side it is buttered on.
15603 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15604%
15605Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
15606%
15607Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
15608skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
15609to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
15610overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
15611apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
15612as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
15613steroid-free fitness center.
15614 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
15615%
15616Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
15617her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
15618nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
15619%
15620Demand the establishment of the government
15621in its rightful home at Disneyland.
15622%
15623Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
15624 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
15625%
15626Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
15627 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
15628%
15629Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
15630we deserve.
15631 -- George Bernard Shaw
15632%
15633Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
15634aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
15635 -- Senator Soaper
15636%
15637Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
15638incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
15639 -- George Bernard Shaw
15640%
15641Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
15642don't think.
15643%
15644Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
15645will get the blame.
15646 -- Laurence J. Peter
15647%
15648Democracy is also a form of worship.
15649It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
15650 -- H. L. Mencken
15651%
15652Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
15653 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
15654%
15655Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
15656 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
15657%
15658Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
15659of the people are right more than half of the time.
15660 -- E. B. White
15661%
15662Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
15663deserve to get it good and hard.
15664 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
15665%
15666Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
15667forms that have been tried from time to time.
15668 -- Winston Churchill
15669%
15670Democracy, n:
15671 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
15672or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
15673toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
15674law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
15675upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
15676restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
15677agitation, discontent, anarchy.
15678 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
15679 since withdrawn.
15680%
15681Democracy, n:
15682 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
15683 -- Gerald Barry
15684
15685The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
15686Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
15687you don't have to waste your time voting.
15688 -- Charles Bukowski
15689%
15690Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
15691Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
15692
15693Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
15694The remainder is thrown out.
15695
15696Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
15697
15698Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
15699Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
15700
15701Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
15702windows by Democrats.
15703 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
15704%
15705Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
15706board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
15707%
15708Dental health is next to mental health.
15709%
15710Dentist, n.:
15711 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
15712 pulls coins out of one's pockets.
15713 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15714%
15715Denver, n:
15716 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
15717%
15718Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
15719%
15720Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
15721%
15722Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
15723%
15724Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
15725but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
15726 -- R. E. Shay
15727%
15728Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
15729%
15730Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
15731und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
15732%
15733design, v:
15734 What you regret not doing later on.
15735%
15736Desist from enumerating your fowl
15737prior to their emergence from the shell.
15738%
15739Despising machines to a man,
15740The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
15741 And ride out by night
15742 In a sheeting of white
15743To lynch all the robots they can.
15744 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
15745%
15746Despite all appearances, your boss
15747is a thinking, feeling, human being.
15748%
15749Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
15750be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
15751the table.
15752 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
15753%
15754Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
15755don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
15756 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
15757%
15758Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
15759%
15760DeVries' Dilemma:
15761 If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
15762 the one you don't want hits the paper.
15763%
15764Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
15765fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
15766 -- L. Ron Hubbard
15767%
15768Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
15769 Some do, some don't.
15770%
15771Did I say 2? I lied.
15772%
15773Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
15774and slim chance mean the same thing?
15775
15776Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
15777%
15778Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
15779has already been born?
15780 -- Benny Hill
15781%
15782Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
15783that's how dogs spend their lives.
15784 -- Sue Murphy
15785%
15786Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
15787%
15788"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?"
15789 -- Zippy the Pinhead
15790%
15791Did you hear about the model who sat
15792on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
15793%
15794Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
15795Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
15796
15797Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
15798%
15799Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
15800the number zero?
15801
15802Is nothing sacred?
15803%
15804Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
15805only recaptured 116 of them?
15806%
15807Did you know?
15808 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
15809 APPROXIMATELY
15810 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
15811 KILLED
15812
15813 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
15814 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
15815 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
15816
15817A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
15818
15819 SPONSORED BY
15820 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
15821 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
15822 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
15823 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
15824
15825Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
15826%
15827Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
15828selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
15829try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
15830select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
15831set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
15832should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
15833%
15834Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
15835 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15836%
15837Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
15838 -- P. J. Plauger
15839%
15840Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
15841them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
15842%
15843Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
15844that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
15845
15846 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
15847 squirrel."
15848
15849 -- ihuxw!tommyo
15850%
15851Did you know the University of Iowa
15852closed down after someone stole the book?
15853%
15854Did you know....
15855
15856That no-one ever reads these things?
15857%
15858Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
15859Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
15860It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
15861Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
15862 -- Lovin' Spoonful
15863%
15864Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
15865%
15866"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?"
15867 -- Zippy the Pinhead
15868%
15869Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
15870would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
15871 -- John Barrymore's dying words
15872%
15873Die, v.:
15874 To stop sinning suddenly.
15875 -- Elbert Hubbard
15876%
15877Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
15878 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
15879%
15880Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
15881%
15882Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
15883%
15884Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
15885 -- Don Vonada
15886%
15887Dignity is like a flag.
15888It flaps in a storm.
15889 -- Roy Mengot
15890%
15891Dime is money.
15892%
15893Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
15894only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
15895for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
15896%
15897Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
15898%
15899Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
15900 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
15901 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
15902 1 carton milk
15903%
15904Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
15905%
15906Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
15907truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
15908%
15909Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
15910asked him, after a few days.
15911 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
15912%
15913Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
15914Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
15915 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
15916%
15917Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
15918 -- Daniele Vare
15919%
15920Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
15921 -- Wynn Catlin
15922%
15923Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
15924 -- Balfour
15925%
15926diplomacy, n:
15927 Lying in state.
15928%
15929Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
15930
15931 1: Get elected.
15932 2: Get re-elected.
15933 3: Don't get mad, get even.
15934 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
15935%
15936disbar, n:
15937 As distinguished from some other bar.
15938%
15939Disc space -- the final frontier!
15940%
15941Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
15942employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
15943coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
15944non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
15945absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
15946The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
15947the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
15948non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
15949%
15950Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
15951yours too."
15952 -- Dave Haynie
15953%
15954DISCLAIMER:
15955Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
15956an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
15957%
15958Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
15959%
15960Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
15961%
15962Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
15963 -- Chinese proverb
15964%
15965Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
15966 -- Euripides
15967%
15968Disk crisis, please clean up!
15969%
15970Disks travel in packs.
15971%
15972Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
15973Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
15974%
15975Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
15976but it does make you part of a larger picture.
15977%
15978Distinctive, adj.:
15979 A different color or shape than our competitors.
15980%
15981Distress, n.:
15982 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
15983 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15984%
15985District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
15986injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
15987damage inflicted on the vehicle.
15988%
15989Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
15990acquaintance and without any visible reason.
15991 -- Lord Chesterfield
15992%
15993Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
15994%
15995Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
15996 -- Cary Grant
15997%
15998Do clones have navels?
15999%
16000Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
16001 -- Amy Gorin
16002%
16003Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
16004%
16005Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
16006%
16007Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
16008%
16009Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
16010%
16011Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
16012%
16013Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
16014%
16015Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
16016 -- Aesop
16017%
16018Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
16019your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
16020a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
16021cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
16022of them ever committed suicide.
16023 -- Henry David Thoreau
16024%
16025Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
16026Their tastes may not be the same.
16027 -- George Bernard Shaw
16028%
16029Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
16030%
16031Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
16032 -- Robert Heinlein
16033%
16034Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
16035%
16036"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
16037with ketchup."
16038%
16039Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
16040for they become soggy and hard to light.
16041
16042Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
16043for they are subtle and quick to anger.
16044%
16045Do not overtax your powers.
16046%
16047Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
16048Violators will be prosecuted.
16049(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
16050%
16051Do not seek death; death will find you.
16052But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
16053 -- Dag Hammarskjold
16054%
16055Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
16056%
16057Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
16058%
16059Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
16060%
16061Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
16062learn to dread each day as it comes.
16063 -- Donald Kaul
16064%
16065Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
16066%
16067Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
16068word "lies".
16069 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
16070%
16071Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
16072%
16073Do not worry about which side your
16074bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
16075%
16076Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
16077%
16078Do, or do not; there is no try.
16079%
16080Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
16081%
16082Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
16083%
16084Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
16085%
16086Do unto others before they undo you.
16087%
16088Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
16089%
16090Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
16091 -- Aleister Crowley
16092%
16093Do what you can to prolong your life,
16094in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
16095%
16096Do you believe in intuition?
16097No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
16098%
16099Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
16100Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
16101Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
16102Can you see your neck?
16103Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
16104If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
16105This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
16106 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
16107 -- Garfield
16108%
16109Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
16110%
16111Do you have lysdexia?
16112%
16113Do YOU have redeeming social value?
16114%
16115Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
16116I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
16117think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
16118think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
16119like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
16120fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
16121to think at all.
16122 -- T. H. White
16123%
16124Do you know Montana?
16125%
16126Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
16127is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
16128 -- Pete Seeger
16129%
16130Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
16131answer, but a certain wrong answer?
16132 -- Tobaben
16133%
16134Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
16135between Nixon and the White House.
16136 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
16137%
16138Do you suffer painful elimination?
16139 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
16140
16141Do you suffer painful recrimination?
16142 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
16143
16144Do you suffer painful illumination?
16145 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
16146
16147Do you suffer painful hallucination?
16148 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
16149%
16150Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
16151%
16152Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
16153just whipped out a quarter?
16154 -- Stephen Wright
16155%
16156"Do you think there's a God?"
16157"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
16158 -- Calvin and Hobbs
16159%
16160Do you think your mother and I should have lived
16161comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
16162%
16163Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
16164your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
16165your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
16166Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
16167Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
16168 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
16169%
16170Do your otters do the shimmy?
16171Do they like to shake their tails?
16172Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
16173Is your garden full of snails?
16174%
16175Do your part to help preserve life on
16176Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
16177%
16178Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
16179little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
16180 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
16181%
16182Documentation:
16183 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
16184 speaking persons.
16185%
16186Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
16187when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
16188 -- Dick Brandon
16189%
16190Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
16191be good because the programmers hate it so much.
16192%
16193Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
16194Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
16195Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
16196Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
16197 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
16198%
16199Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
16200%
16201Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
16202%
16203Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
16204and the rest of us.
16205%
16206Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
16207%
16208Doing gets it done.
16209%
16210Don
16211Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
16212 Was she pretty?
16213W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
16214 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
16215 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
16216Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
16217W.C.: It's almost impossible.
16218 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
16219 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
16220%
16221Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16222%
16223Don't abandon hope.
16224Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16225%
16226Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
16227have got him.
16228%
16229Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
16230It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
16231Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
16232I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
16233%
16234Don't be humble, you're not that great.
16235 -- Golda Meir
16236%
16237Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
16238%
16239Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
16240%
16241Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
16242%
16243Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
16244than I have to.
16245 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
16246%
16247Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
16248 -- Joe Cointment
16249%
16250Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
16251%
16252Don't confuse things that need action
16253with those that take care of themselves.
16254%
16255Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
16256%
16257Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
16258 -- Firesign Theatre
16259%
16260Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
16261%
16262Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
16263 -- Josh Billings
16264%
16265Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
16266 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
16267%
16268Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
16269%
16270Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
16271 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
16272%
16273Don't eat yellow snow.
16274%
16275Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
16276%
16277Don't everyone thank me at once!
16278 -- Han Solo
16279%
16280Don't expect people to keep in step--
16281it's hard enough just staying in line.
16282%
16283Don't feed the bats tonight.
16284%
16285Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
16286 -- Anthony
16287%
16288Don't get even, get odd.
16289%
16290Don't get mad, get even.
16291 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
16292
16293Don't get even, get jewelry.
16294 -- Anonymous
16295%
16296Don't get mad, get interest.
16297%
16298Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
16299%
16300Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
16301can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
16302 -- Dave Storer
16303%
16304Don't get to bragging.
16305%
16306Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
16307The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
16308 -- Mark Twain
16309%
16310Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
16311%
16312Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
16313 -- Baretta
16314%
16315Don't guess - check your security regulations.
16316%
16317Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
16318%
16319Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
16320%
16321Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
16322%
16323Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
16324%
16325Don't I know you?
16326%
16327Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
16328%
16329Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
16330 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
16331%
16332Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
16333%
16334Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
16335%
16336Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
16337%
16338Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
16339Probably soon after she throws me out.
16340%
16341Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
16342until you have hold of something else.
16343 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
16344%
16345Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
16346don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
16347don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
16348or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16349remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
16350you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16351 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
16352%
16353Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
16354%
16355Don't let your status become too quo!
16356%
16357Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
16358%
16359Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
16360%
16361Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
16362%
16363Don't lose
16364Your head
16365To gain a minute
16366You need your head
16367Your brains are in it.
16368 -- Burma Shave
16369%
16370Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
16371%
16372Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
16373 -- Scottish Proverb
16374%
16375Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
16376%
16377Don't plan any hasty moves.
16378You'll be evicted soon anyway.
16379%
16380Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
16381if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
16382%
16383Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
16384 -- Miguel de Cervantes
16385%
16386Don't quit now, we might just as well
16387lock the door and throw away the key.
16388%
16389Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
16390%
16391Don't read everything you believe.
16392%
16393Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
16394%
16395Don't remember what you can infer.
16396 -- Harry Tennant
16397%
16398Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
16399 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
16400%
16401Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
16402%
16403Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
16404 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
16405%
16406Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
16407%
16408Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
16409%
16410Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
16411%
16412Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
16413Cheat.
16414 -- Ambrose Bierce
16415%
16416Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
16417%
16418Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
16419 -- "Brazil"
16420%
16421Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
16422 -- P. Skelly
16423%
16424Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
16425 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
16426%
16427Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
16428%
16429Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
16430 -- Walt Kelly
16431%
16432Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
16433%
16434Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
16435sodomy and the lash.
16436 -- Winston Churchill
16437%
16438Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
16439%
16440Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
16441 -- James J. Ling
16442%
16443"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
16444get more wax!!"
16445%
16446Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
16447I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
16448 -- Watchman Examiner
16449%
16450Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
16451%
16452Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
16453 -- Lazarus Long
16454%
16455Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
16456with my breakfast cereal.
16457 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
16458%
16459Don't vote - it only encourages them!
16460%
16461Don't wake me up too soon...
16462Gonna take a ride across the moon...
16463You and me.
16464%
16465Don't worry. Life's too long.
16466 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
16467%
16468Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
16469%
16470Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
16471avoiding you.
16472 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
16473%
16474Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
16475are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
16476 -- Howard Aiken
16477%
16478Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
16479It's already tomorrow in Australia.
16480 -- Charles Schultz
16481%
16482Don't Worry, Be Happy.
16483 -- Meher Baba
16484%
16485Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
16486you can always take something for it.
16487%
16488Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
16489They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
16490%
16491Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
16492%
16493Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
16494%
16495"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
16496"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
16497"Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
16498"... I thought you said you were an accountant."
16499%
16500Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
16501want to help you could agree with each other?
16502%
16503Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
16504%
16505Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
16506you through times of no dope.
16507 -- Gilbert Shelton
16508%
16509Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?
16510Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people
16511 without brains do an awful lot of talking.
16512 -- The Wizard of Oz
16513%
16514Double!
16515%
16516Double Bucky, you're the one,
16517You make my keyboard so much fun,
16518Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
16519Control and meta, side by side,
16520Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
16521Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
16522
16523Oh, I sure wish that I,
16524Had a couple of bits more!
16525Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
16526
16527Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
16528OR'd together, outta sight!
16529Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
16530Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
16531Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
16532 -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
16533 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
16534 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
16535%
16536double-blind Experiment, n:
16537 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
16538fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
16539by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
16540%
16541Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
16542 -- Voltaire
16543%
16544Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
16545 -- Voltaire
16546%
16547Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
16548 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
16549%
16550Down to the Banana Republics,
16551Down to the tropical sun.
16552Go the expatriated Americans,
16553Hoping to find some fun.
16554Some of them go for the sailing,
16555Caught by the lure of the sea.
16556Trying to find what is ailing,
16557Living in the land of the free.
16558Some of them are running from lovers,
16559Leaving no forward address.
16560Some of them are running tons of ganja,
16561Some are running from the IRS.
16562Late at night you will find them,
16563In the cheap hotels and bars.
16564Hustling the senoritas,
16565While they dance beneath the stars.
16566 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
16567%
16568Down with the categorical imperative!
16569%
16570Dow's Law:
16571 In a hierarchical organization,
16572 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
16573%
16574Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
16575by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
16576of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
16577time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
16578kill him.
16579 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
16580%
16581Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
16582
16583The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
16584that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
16585Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
16586luxury that you never feel hungry.
16587
16588Here's how the diet works:
16589
16590 FOODS ALLOWED
16591First Month: One egg
16592Second Month: A raisin
16593Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
16594
16595If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
16596lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
16597%
16598Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
16599%
16600Dr. Livingston?
16601Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
16602%
16603Draft beer, not people.
16604%
16605Drakenberg's Discovery:
16606 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
16607 it's probably because you don't have them on.
16608%
16609Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
16610%
16611Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
16612%
16613Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
16614%
16615Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
16616 The first bug to hit a clean windshield
16617 lands directly in front of your eyes.
16618%
16619Drilling for oil is boring.
16620%
16621Drink and dance and laugh and lie
16622Love, the reeling midnight through
16623For tomorrow we shall die!
16624(But, alas, we never do.)
16625 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
16626%
16627Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
16628%
16629Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
16630instant motor skills.
16631 -- Marc Price
16632%
16633Drinking is not a spectator sport.
16634 -- Jim Brosnan
16635%
16636Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
16637with, that it's compounding a felony.
16638 -- Robert Benchley
16639%
16640Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
16641that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
16642 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
16643%
16644Drive defensively, buy a tank.
16645%
16646Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
16647avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
16648jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
16649brush after them.
16650%
16651Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
16652of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
16653seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
16654priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
16655"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
16656life!"
16657%
16658Drop that pickle!
16659%
16660DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
16661 -- The Adventurer
16662%
16663Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
16664 -- The Adventurer
16665%
16666drug, n:
16667 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
16668 paper.
16669%
16670Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
16671%
16672Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
16673lot a poker.
16674 -- Karyl Roosevelt
16675%
16676Ducharme's Axiom:
16677 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
16678yourself as part of the problem.
16679%
16680Ducharme's Precept:
16681 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
16682%
16683Duckies are fun!
16684%
16685Ducks? What ducks??
16686%
16687Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
16688and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
16689 -- Carl Zwanzig
16690%
16691Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
16692production of great leaders has been discontinued.
16693%
16694Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
16695fate and captain of your soul.
16696%
16697Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
16698discontinued.
16699%
16700Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
16701%
16702During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
16703been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
16704pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
16705in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
16706 -- James Madison
16707%
16708During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
16709times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
16710%
16711During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
16712
16713Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
16714 perform as president?"
16715Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
16716 inexperience."
16717%
16718During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
16719fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
16720and fly your colors proudly.
16721%
16722Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
16723Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
16724 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
16725%
16726Duty, n:
16727 What one expects from others.
16728 -- Oscar Wilde
16729%
16730Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
16731nothing whatever to do with it.
16732 -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words
16733%
16734Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
16735 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.
16736%
16737Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
16738 -- Woody Allen
16739%
16740E = MC ** 2 +- 3db
16741%
16742E Pluribus UNIX.
16743%
16744Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
16745%
16746Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
16747 -- Kernighan
16748%
16749Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
16750Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
16751worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
16752imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
16753typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
16754the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
16755corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
16756Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
16757in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
16758offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
16759a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
16760then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
16761company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
16762competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
16763orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
16764 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
16765%
16766Each of us bears his own Hell.
16767 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
16768%
16769Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
16770in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
16771university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
167723 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
16773%
16774Each person has the right to take the subway.
16775%
16776Eagleson's Law:
16777 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
16778months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
16779an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
16780%
16781EARL GREY PROFILES
16782
16783NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
16784OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
16785AGE: 94
16786BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
16787EYES: Grey
16788SKIN: Tanned
16789HAIR: Not much
16790LAST MAGAZINE READ:
16791 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
16792TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
16793
16794EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
16795%
16796Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
16797science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
1679821st century aircraft:
16799
16800 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
16801 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
16802 pilot if he touches anything.
16803 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
16804%
16805Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
16806be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
16807%
16808Early to rise and early to bed makes
16809a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
16810 -- James Thurber
16811%
16812Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
16813%
16814Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
16815%
16816/earth: file system full.
16817%
16818/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
16819%
16820Earth is a beta site.
16821%
16822"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
16823 -- Jeff Berner
16824%
16825Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
16826 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
16827cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
16828the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
16829means the puzzle is solved.
16830 -- Steve Rubenstein
16831%
16832Easy come and easy go,
16833 some call me easy money,
16834Sometimes life is full of laughs,
16835 and sometimes it ain't funny
16836You may think that I'm a fool
16837 and sometimes that is true,
16838But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
16839 with or without you.
16840 -- Hoyt Axton
16841%
16842Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
16843 -- Harry Secombe's diet
16844%
16845Eat drink and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
16846%
16847Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
16848%
16849Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
16850%
16851Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
16852will happen to you the rest of the day.
16853
16854[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
16855%
16856Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
16857%
16858Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
16859%
16860Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
16861%
16862Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
16863 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
16864%
16865economics, n.:
16866 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
16867 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16868%
16869Economies of scale:
16870 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
16871 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
16872 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
16873 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
16874 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
16875 those limitations.
16876%
16877economist, n:
16878 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
16879 personality to become an accountant.
16880%
16881Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
16882turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
16883 -- Robert Orben
16884%
16885Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
16886percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
16887 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
16888%
16889Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
16890 -- Fred Allen
16891%
16892Editing is a rewording activity.
16893%
16894Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
16895demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
16896 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
16897%
16898Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
16899time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
16900 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
16901%
16902Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
16903 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
16904%
16905Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
16906 -- Irwin Edman
16907%
16908Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
16909 -- B. F. Skinner
16910%
16911Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
16912to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
16913of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
16914royal-blue chickens.
16915 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
16916%
16917Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
16918 -- Bullwinkle Moose
16919%
16920Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
16921 -- Adlai Stevenson
16922%
16923Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
16924people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
16925comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
16926the "nog" comes from.
16927
16928To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
16929season, eggs...
16930%
16931Ego sum ens omnipotens
16932%
16933Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
16934to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
16935 -- Bellamy Brooks
16936%
16937Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
16938%
16939Egotism, n:
16940 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
16941
16942%
16943Egotist, n.:
16944 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
16945 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16946%
16947egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
16948%
16949Ehrman's Commentary:
16950 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
16951 2. Who said things would get better?
16952%
16953Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
16954 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
16955%
16956...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
16957original joy his falling in love with Ada.
16958 -- Nabokov
16959%
16960Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
16961God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
16962engineer.
16963 -- Fred Brooks
16964%
16965Eisenhower was very nice,
16966Nixon was his only vice.
16967 -- C. Degen
16968%
16969Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
16970 -- Groucho Marx' last words
16971%
16972ELBONICS:
16973 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
16974 armrest in a movie theatre.
16975 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
16976%
16977Eleanor Rigby
16978Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
16979Lives in a dream
16980Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
16981 make the machine do some more.
16982What is it for?
16983
16984All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16985All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16986
16987Hacker MacKensie
16988Writing the code for a program that no one will run
16989It's nearly done
16990Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
16991 nobody there.
16992What does he care?
16993
16994All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16995All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16996Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16997Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16998%
16999ELECTRIC JELL-O
17000
170012 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
170022 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
170031/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
17004
17005Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
17006 fully dissolved.
17007Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
17008Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
17009 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
17010Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
17011Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
17012 the faint of heart.
17013Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
17014Cut into squares and enjoy!
17015
17016WARNING:
17017 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
17018 children under eight years of age.
17019%
17020Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
17021%
17022Electrocution, n:
17023 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
17024%
17025Elegance and truth are inversely related.
17026 -- Becker's Razor
17027%
17028Elephant, n:
17029 A mouse built to government specifications.
17030%
17031Elevators smell different to midgets.
17032%
17033Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
17034 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
17035 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
17036 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
17037 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
17038 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
17039 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
17040 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
17041%
17042Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
17043In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
17044 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
17045Half asleep, Eli murmured,
17046 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
17047%
17048Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
17049%
17050Elliptical, n:
17051 The feel of a kiss.
17052%
17053Eloquence is logic on fire.
17054%
17055Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
17056Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
17057%
17058Emacs, n:
17059 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
17060%
17061Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
17062 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
17063 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
17064 for it.
17065%
17066Encyclopedia for sale by father.
17067Son knows everything.
17068%
17069Encyclopedia Salesmen:
17070 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
17071 and tell them your house is being burgled.
17072 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
17073%
17074Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
17075Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
17076 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
17077%
17078Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
17079Endless the quest;
17080I turn again, back to my own beginning,
17081And here, find rest.
17082%
17083Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
17084property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
17085of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
17086 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
17087%
17088Engineering: "How will this work?"
17089Science: "Why will this work?"
17090Management: "When will this work?"
17091Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
17092%
17093English literature's performing flea.
17094 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
17095%
17096Engram, n:
17097 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
170982. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
17099in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
17100of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
17101psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
17102and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
17103conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
17104thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
17105was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
17106ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
17107time.]
17108 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
17109 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
17110%
17111enhance, v:
17112 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
17113%
17114Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
17115%
17116Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
17117%
17118Entrepreneur, n:
17119 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
17120 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
17121%
17122Entropy isn't what it used to be.
17123%
17124Entropy requires no maintenance.
17125 -- Markoff Chaney
17126%
17127Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
17128 -- Onasander
17129%
17130Envy, n:
17131 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
17132 instead of having to try and acquire one.
17133%
17134Enzymes are things invented by biologists
17135that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
17136 -- Jerome Lettvin
17137%
17138Epperson's law:
17139 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
17140something his wife can beat him at.
17141%
17142Equal bytes for women.
17143%
17144Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
17145 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
17146%
17147Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
17148 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
17149%
17150Error in operator: add beer
17151%
17152Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
17153 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
17154Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
17155 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
17156 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
17157%
17158Eschew obfuscation.
17159%
17160Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
17161 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
17162%
17163E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
17164%
17165Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
17166 -- Woody Allen
17167%
17168Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
17169 -- Tom Stoppard
17170%
17171Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
17172fashion for those with no taste.
17173%
17174Etymology, n:
17175 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
17176 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
17177 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
17178 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
17179 hard to swallow."
17180 -- Mike Kellen
17181%
17182Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen;
17183Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
17184 -- Goethe, "Faust"
17185%
17186Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
17187the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
17188Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
17189Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
17190Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
17191Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
17192make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
17193them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
17194a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
17195the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
17196they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
17197over roulette.
17198 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
17199%
17200Eureka!
17201 -- Archimedes
17202%
17203Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
17204%
17205Even a cabbage may look at a king.
17206%
17207Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
17208%
17209Even a man who is pure at heart,
17210And says his prayers at night
17211Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
17212And the moon is full and bright.
17213 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
17214%
17215Even God cannot change the past.
17216 -- Joseph Stalin
17217%
17218Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
17219 -- Menander
17220%
17221Even if you do learn to speak correct
17222English, whom are you going to speak it to?
17223 -- Clarence Darrow
17224%
17225Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
17226 -- Aristophanes
17227%
17228Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
17229 -- Will Rogers
17230%
17231Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
17232When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
17233Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
17234And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
17235Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
17236To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
17237Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
17238I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
17239I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
17240Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
17241A fairer summer and a later fall
17242Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
17243And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
17244I tell you this across the blackened vine.
17245 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
17246 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
17247%
17248Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
17249%
17250Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
17251just a bit unchivalrous...
17252 -- Robert Benchley
17253%
17254Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
17255 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
17256%
17257Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
17258States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
17259day.
17260%
17261Events are not affected, they develop.
17262 -- Sri Aurobindo
17263%
17264Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
17265%
17266Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
17267bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
17268%
17269Ever get the feeling that the world's
17270on tape and one of the reels is missing?
17271 -- Rich Little
17272%
17273Ever notice that even the busiest people are
17274never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
17275%
17276Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
17277Simple coincidence?
17278Maybe...
17279%
17280Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17281That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
17282We're big but bigger we will be,
17283We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
17284Has been our aim.
17285Our products now are known in every zone.
17286Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
17287We've fought our way thru
17288And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
17289For the Ever Onward IBM!
17290 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17291%
17292Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17293We're bound for the top to never fall,
17294Right here and now we thankfully
17295Pledge sincerest loyalty
17296To the corporation that's the best of all
17297Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
17298Let's show the world just what we think of them!
17299So let us sing men -- Sing men
17300Once or twice, then sing again
17301For the Ever Onward IBM!
17302 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17303%
17304Ever since I was a young boy,
17305I've hacked the ARPA net,
17306From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
17307Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
17308But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
17309On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
17310That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
17311Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
17312 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17313 Sure sends a mean packet.
17314He's a UNIX wizard,
17315There has to be a twist.
17316The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
17317Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
17318How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
17319I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
17320What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
17321 The proper bit flags set,
17322 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17323 Sure sends a mean packet.
17324 -- UNIX Wizard
17325%
17326Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
17327exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
17328All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
17329spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
17330Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
17331take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
17332My wife is available. No. How about ..."
17333 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
17334%
17335Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
17336%
17337Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
17338
17339Because newspapers are read too.
17340Two and Two is four.
17341Four and four is eight.
17342Eight and four is twelve.
17343There are twelve inches in a ruler.
17344Queen Mary was a ruler.
17345Queen Mary was a ship.
17346Ships sail the sea.
17347There are fishes in the sea.
17348Fishes have fins.
17349The Fins fought the Russians.
17350Russians are red.
17351Fire engines are always rush'n.
17352Therefore fire engines are red.
17353%
17354Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
17355technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
17356The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
17357computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
17358Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
17359trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
17360one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
17361"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
17362there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
17363computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
17364ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
17365anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
17366said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
17367them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
17368Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
17369question."
17370 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
17371 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
17372%
17373Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
17374the last but one.
17375 -- Adolf Hitler
17376%
17377Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
17378%
17379Every cloud engenders not a storm.
17380 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
17381%
17382Every cloud has a silver lining;
17383you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
17384%
17385Every country has the government it deserves.
17386 -- Joseph De Maistre
17387%
17388Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
17389%
17390Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
17391%
17392Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
17393 -- Lenny Bruce
17394%
17395Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
17396%
17397Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
17398woman and stop her.
17399%
17400"Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
17401idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
17402sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
17403of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
17404highly-motivated, caustic twits."
17405 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
17406%
17407Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
17408signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
17409fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
17410spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
17411genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
17412of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
17413humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
17414 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
17415%
17416Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
17417
17418Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
17419front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
17420odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
17421and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
17422legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
17423there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
17424of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
17425color"], that does not exist.
17426%
17427Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
17428 -- Frank Moore Colby
17429%
17430Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
17431%
17432Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
17433 -- Don Vonada
17434%
17435Every love's the love before
17436In a duller dress.
17437 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
17438%
17439"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."
17440%
17441Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
17442or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
17443Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
17444only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
17445subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
17446own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
17447by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
17448philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
17449but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
17450in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
17451 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
17452%
17453Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
17454 -- Miguel de Cervantes
17455%
17456Every man takes the limits of his own field
17457of vision for the limits of the world.
17458 -- Schopenhauer
17459%
17460Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
17461and powerful know that he is.
17462 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
17463%
17464Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
17465that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
17466and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
17467essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
17468inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
17469forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
17470 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
17471%
17472Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
17473it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
17474 -- Barrie
17475%
17476"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
17477richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"
17478 -- Robert Orben
17479%
17480Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
17481than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
17482It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
17483It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
17484up, you'd better be running.
17485%
17486Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
17487%
17488Every night my prayers I say,
17489 And get my dinner every day;
17490And every day that I've been good,
17491 I get an orange after food.
17492The child that is not clean and neat,
17493 With lots of toys and things to eat,
17494He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
17495 Or else his dear papa is poor.
17496 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
17497%
17498Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
17499
17500It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
17501%
17502Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
17503But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
17504when they aren't.
17505
17506 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
17507 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
17508 When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying.
17509 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
17510%
17511Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
17512the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
17513sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
17514 -- Morris Kline
17515%
17516Every path has its puddle.
17517%
17518Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
17519drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
17520 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17521%
17522Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
17523instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
17524can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
17525%
17526Every program has (at least) two purposes:
17527 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
17528%
17529Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
17530%
17531Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
17532%
17533Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
17534eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
17535bend a disk.
17536 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
17537 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
17538 of their movement.
17539%
17540Every solution breeds new problems.
17541%
17542Every successful person has had failures
17543but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
17544%
17545Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
17546 -- Jean Baechler
17547%
17548Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
17549%
17550Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
17551%
17552Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
17553%
17554Every time you manage to close the door on
17555Reality, it comes in through the window.
17556%
17557Every why hath a wherefore.
17558 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
17559%
17560Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
17561 -- Beckett
17562%
17563Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
17564the best one.
17565 -- Jack Hurley
17566%
17567Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
17568called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
17569the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
17570otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
17571and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
17572Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
17573 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
17574a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
17575you're fired. As of right now."
17576 Sam signed the papers immediately.
17577 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
17578couldn't have signed earlier?"
17579 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
17580clearly before."
17581%
17582Everybody has something to conceal.
17583 -- Humphrey Bogart
17584%
17585Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
17586if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
17587%
17588Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17589 -- Dykstra
17590%
17591Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
17592fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
17593good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
17594poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
17595
17596Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
17597lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
17598just died.
17599
17600Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
17601and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
17602
17603Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
17604do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
17605two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
17606you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
17607
17608And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
17609And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
17610Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
17611for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
17612 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
17613%
17614Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
17615 -- Arthur Miller
17616%
17617Everybody needs a little love sometime;
17618stop hacking and fall in love!
17619%
17620Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
17621%
17622Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
17623to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
17624%
17625Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
17626%
17627Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
17628%
17629Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
17630realize it.
17631%
17632Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
17633%
17634Everyone is in the best seat.
17635 -- John Cage
17636%
17637Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
17638 -- Rudyard Kipling
17639%
17640Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
17641formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
17642scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
17643wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of
17644existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
17645discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
17646problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
17647mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
17648one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
17649different way ...
17650 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
17651%
17652Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
17653%
17654Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
17655to get them.
17656 -- Dirty Harry
17657%
17658Everyone was born right-handed.
17659Only the greatest overcome it.
17660%
17661Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
17662 1. They want it quick.
17663 2. They want it good.
17664 3. They want it cheap.
17665I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
17666 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
17667%
17668Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
17669%
17670Everything bows to success, even grammar.
17671%
17672Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
17673%
17674Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
17675%
17676Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
17677 -- Alexander Woollcott
17678%
17679Everything in this book may be wrong.
17680 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17681%
17682Everything is controlled by a small evil group
17683to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
17684%
17685Everything is possible. Pass the word.
17686 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
17687%
17688Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
17689that a belch is more satisfying.
17690 -- Ingmar Bergman
17691%
17692Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
17693something you know.
17694 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
17695 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
17696%
17697Everything might be different in the present
17698if only one thing had been different in the past.
17699%
17700Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
17701 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17702%
17703Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
17704%
17705Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
17706 -- Albert Einstein
17707%
17708Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
17709 -- Erwin Tomash
17710%
17711Everything that can be invented has been invented.
17712 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
17713%
17714Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
17715%
17716Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
17717%
17718Everything you know is wrong!
17719%
17720Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
17721rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
17722 -- Erwin Knoll
17723%
17724Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
17725obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
17726solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
17727There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
17728straight lines.
17729 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
17730%
17731Everything's great in this good old world;
17732(This is the stuff they can always use.)
17733God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
17734(This will provide for baby's shoes.)
17735Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
17736Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
17737Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
17738(This is what fetches the bacon home.)
17739 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
17740%
17741Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
17742opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
17743that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
17744 -- Flannery O'Connor
17745%
17746Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
17747Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
17748Everyone is looking for the answer,
17749Well look again.
17750 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
17751%
17752Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
17753of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
17754 -- H. L. Mencken
17755%
17756Evolution is a million line computer
17757program falling into place by accident.
17758%
17759Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
17760the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
17761evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
17762doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
17763life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
17764as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
17765respect to theories about how the process operates.
17766 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
17767%
17768Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
17769even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
17770 -- C. C. Colton
17771%
17772Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
17773It is the only thing.
17774 -- Albert Schweitzer
17775%
17776Excellent day for drinking heavily.
17777Spike the office water cooler.
17778%
17779Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
17780%
17781Excellent day to have a rotten day.
17782%
17783Excellent time to become a missing person.
17784%
17785Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
17786 -- Miller
17787%
17788Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
17789customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
17790
17791Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
17792Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
17793%
17794Excerpt from a DEC field service document:
17795
17796....
17797- none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the
17798screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP
17799comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands.
17800%
17801Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
17802acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
17803 -- W. Somerset Maugham
17804%
17805Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
17806%
17807Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
17808%
17809Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
17810 -- Marcus Aurelius
17811%
17812Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
17813the work.
17814 -- John G. Pollard
17815%
17816Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
17817%
17818Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
17819%
17820Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
17821and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
17822%
17823Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
17824%
17825Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
17826%
17827Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
17828%
17829Expedience is the best teacher.
17830%
17831Expense accounts, n:
17832 Corporate food stamps.
17833%
17834Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
17835 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
17836%
17837Experience is not what happens to you;
17838it is what you do with what happens to you.
17839 -- Aldous Huxley
17840%
17841Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
17842you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
17843 -- Franklin Jones
17844%
17845Experience is the worst teacher. It always
17846gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
17847%
17848Experience is what causes a person
17849to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
17850%
17851Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
17852%
17853Experience, n:
17854 Something you don't get until just after you need it.
17855 -- Olivier
17856%
17857Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
17858particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
17859 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
17860%
17861Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
17862%
17863Expert, n.:
17864 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
17865%
17866External Security:
17867%
17868Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
17869
17870 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
17871
17872To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
17873cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
17874corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
17875address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
17876to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
17877left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
17878below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
17879computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
17880SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
17881(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
17882Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
17883disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
17884this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
17885completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
17886%
17887Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
17888of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
17889but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
17890that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
17891argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
17892and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
17893neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
17894handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
17895than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
17896offer more plausible alternatives.
17897 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
17898 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
17899%
17900Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
17901 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
17902%
17903Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
17904of justice is no virtue.
17905 -- Barry Goldwater
17906%
17907F: When into a room I plunge, I
17908 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
17909 Then I linger, darkly brooding
17910 On the poison they're exuding.
17911 -- The Roguelet's ABC
17912%
17913f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
17914%
17915f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
17916%
17917F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
17918%
17919f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
17920%
17921FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
17922%
17923Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
17924%
17925Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
17926 -- Sven Italla
17927%
17928Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
17929%
17930Facts are the enemy of truth.
17931 -- Don Quixote
17932%
17933Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
17934 -- Aldous Huxley
17935%
17936Failed Attempts To Break Records
17937 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
17938the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
17939he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
17940doesn't even shout at me."
17941 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
17942record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
17943 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
17944after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
17945"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
17946 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
17947the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
17948drone got waterlogged," he said.
17949 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
17950dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
17951had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
17952 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
17953%
17954Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
17955%
17956Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
17957 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
17958%
17959Fairy Tale, n.:
17960 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
17961%
17962Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
17963%
17964Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
17965ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
17966the doubt that moved all the mountains.
17967 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17968%
17969Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
17970on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
17971%
17972Faith is under the left nipple.
17973 -- Martin Luther
17974%
17975Faith, n:
17976 That quality which enables us to
17977 believe what we know to be untrue.
17978%
17979Fakir, n:
17980 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
17981 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
17982 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
17983%
17984Falling in Love
17985 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
17986love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
17987light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
17988and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
17989these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
17990good idea to check with your doctor.
17991 -- Dave Barry
17992%
17993Falling in love is a lot like dying.
17994You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
17995%
17996Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
17997restraint.
17998 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".
17999%
18000Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
18001the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
18002 -- Mark Twain
18003%
18004Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
18005autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
18006 -- Marlo Thomas
18007%
18008Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
18009%
18010Familiarity breeds attempt.
18011%
18012Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
18013 -- Mark Twain
18014%
18015Families, when a child is born
18016Want it to be intelligent.
18017I, through intelligence,
18018Having wrecked my whole life,
18019Only hope the baby will prove
18020Ignorant and stupid.
18021Then he will crown a tranquil life
18022By becoming a Cabinet Minister
18023 -- Su Tung-p'o
18024%
18025Famous, adj.:
18026 Conspicuously miserable.
18027 -- Ambrose Bierce
18028%
18029Famous last words:
18030%
18031Famous last words:
18032 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
18033 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
18034 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
18035 4: We won't need reservations.
18036 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
18037 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
18038 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
18039 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
18040%
18041Famous last words:
18042 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
18043 (2) "You and what army?"
18044 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
18045 a cop."
18046%
18047Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
18048forgotten your aim.
18049 -- George Santayana
18050%
18051"Fantasies are free."
18052"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
18053%
18054Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
18055former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
18056
18057Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
18058reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
18059were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
18060and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
18061from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
18062deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
18063was the Empire forged.
18064 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18065%
18066Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
18067%
18068Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
18069Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
18070Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
18071utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
18072forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
18073are a pretty neat idea ...
18074 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18075%
18076Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
18077stressful than divorce.
18078 -- Wall Street Journal
18079%
18080Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
18081it every six months.
18082 -- Oscar Wilde
18083%
18084Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
18085 -- Victor Hugo
18086%
18087Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
18088%
18089Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
18090 -- Han Solo
18091%
18092Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
18093 -- Bill Cosby
18094%
18095Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
18096%
18097Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
18098%
18099Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
18100Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
18101%
18102Fats Loves Madelyn.
18103%
18104Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
18105Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
18106 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
18107%
18108FEAR:
18109 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
18110%
18111Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
18112 -- Hunter S. Thompson
18113%
18114Fear is the greatest salesman.
18115 -- Robert Klein
18116%
18117feature, n:
18118 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
18119 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
18120 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
18121 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
18122 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
18123%
18124Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
18125potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
18126disadvantaged.
18127%
18128Feel disillusioned?
18129I've got some great new illusions, right here!
18130%
18131Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
18132it's Microsoft!"
18133%
18134Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
18135An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature.
18136Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
18137Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
18138I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
18139A singular development of cat communications
18140That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection
18141For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
18142A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
18143You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
18144And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
18145It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
18146Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
18147Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
18148And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
18149I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
18150 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
18151%
18152Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
18153you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
18154to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
18155other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
18156list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
18157yours to the bottom of the list.
18158
18159Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
18160Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
18161his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
18162out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
18163build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
18164this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
18165her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
18166
18167Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
18168%
18169Female rabbits:
18170 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
18171%
18172FENDERBERG:
18173 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
18174 of car fenders during snowstorms.
18175 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18176%
18177Ferguson's Precept:
18178 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
18179%
18180Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
18181didn't have any children, neither will you.
18182%
18183Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
18184 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
18185Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
18186 basic difference between robots and humans?
18187Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
18188Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
18189 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
18190%
18191Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
18192 -- Mark Twain
18193%
18194Fidelity, n:
18195 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
18196%
18197Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
18198Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18199Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
18200Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18201 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
18202%
18203Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
18204 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
18205Corollary:
18206 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
18207%
18208Fifth Law of Procrastination:
18209 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
18210there is nothing important to do.
18211%
18212Fifty flippant frogs
18213Walked by on flippered feet
18214And with their slime they made the time
18215Unnaturally fleet.
18216%
18217Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
18218Carolina.
18219%
18220File cabinet:
18221 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
18222%
18223filibuster, n:
18224 Throwing your wait around.
18225%
18226Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
18227 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
18228%
18229Finagle's Creed:
18230 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
18231%
18232Finagle's Eighth Law:
18233 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
18234
18235Finagle's Ninth Law:
18236 No matter what results are expected,
18237 someone is always willing to fake it.
18238
18239Finagle's Tenth Law:
18240 No matter what the result someone
18241 is always eager to misinterpret it.
18242
18243Finagle's Eleventh Law:
18244 No matter what occurs, someone believes
18245 it happened according to his pet theory.
18246%
18247Finagle's First Law:
18248 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
18249%
18250Finagle's First Law:
18251 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
18252
18253Finagle's Second Law:
18254 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
18255
18256Finagle's Fourth Law:
18257 Once a job is fouled up,
18258 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
18259
18260Finagle's Fifth Law:
18261 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
18262
18263Finagle's Sixth Law:
18264 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
18265%
18266Finagle's fourth Law:
18267 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
18268it worse.
18269%
18270Finagle's Second Law:
18271 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
18272someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
18273happened according to his own pet theory.
18274%
18275Finagle's Seventh Law:
18276 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
18277%
18278Finagle's Third Law:
18279 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
18280 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
18281
18282Corollaries:
18283 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
18284 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
18285 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
18286%
18287Finality is death.
18288Perfection is finality.
18289Nothing is perfect.
18290There are lumps in it.
18291%
18292Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
18293on a rock.
18294 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
18295%
18296Fine day for friends.
18297So-so day for you.
18298%
18299Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
18300%
18301Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
18302%
18303Fine's Corollary:
18304 Functionality breeds Contempt.
18305%
18306Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
18307
18308 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
18309
18310Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
18311
18312 P.O. Box 35
18313 Baffled Greek, Michigan
18314%
18315Finster's Law:
18316A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18317%
18318First, a few words about tools.
18319
18320Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
18321the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
18322injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
18323you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
18324particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
18325granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
18326 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
18327%
18328First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
18329 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
18330 -- Pat Taber
18331%
18332First Law of Bicycling:
18333 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
18334%
18335First law of debate:
18336 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
18337%
18338First Law of Procrastination:
18339 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
18340for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
18341the deadline).
18342%
18343First Law of Socio-Genetics:
18344 Celibacy is not hereditary.
18345%
18346First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
18347self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
18348 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
18349%
18350First Rule of History:
18351 History doesn't repeat itself --
18352 historians merely repeat each other.
18353%
18354First rule of public speaking.
18355 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
18356 then tell 'em;
18357 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
18358%
18359First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
18360But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
18361Dial-A-Wombat.
18362 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
18363call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
18364phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
18365 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
18366the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
18367 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
18368 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
18369bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
18370 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
18371another phone booth.
18372 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
18373 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
18374released it, too, in the scrub.
18375 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
18376telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
18377 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
18378and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
18379 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
18380telephone booths.
18381 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.
18382%
18383"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
18384 -- Dr. Who, "Doctor Who"
18385%
18386"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
18387"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
18388and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
18389trees to prove their manhood.
18390 -- Dave Barry
18391%
18392Fishbowl, n:
18393 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
18394 promoted managers are kept for observation.
18395%
18396Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
18397 -- Jimmy Cannon
18398%
18399Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
18400 -- Adolfo Guzman
18401%
18402Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
18403 -- Robert Firth
18404%
18405Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
18406Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
18407I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
18408And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
18409Yes, I'm goin' insane,
18410And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
18411Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18412 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
18413 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
18414 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
18415You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
18416You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
18417Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
18418That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
18419Yes, and goin' insane,
18420You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
18421Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18422(chorus)
18423 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
18424%
18425Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
18426were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
18427had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
18428"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
18429the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
18430"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
18431Irish Political History".
18432%
18433Five rules for eternal misery:
18434 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
18435 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
18436 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
18437 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
18438 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
18439 how much better things might have been or how much worse
18440 things might become).
18441 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
18442 follow the first four rules.
18443%
18444Flame on!
18445 -- Johnny Storm
18446%
18447FLANNISTER:
18448 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
18449 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18450%
18451Flappity, floppity, flip
18452The mouse on the m"obius strip;
18453 The strip revolved,
18454 The mouse dissolved
18455In a chronodimensional skip.
18456%
18457FLASH!
18458Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
18459Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
18460%
18461Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
18462 -- Josh Billings
18463%
18464Flattery will get you everywhere.
18465%
18466Flee at once, all is discovered.
18467%
18468Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
18469 -- Helen Rowland
18470%
18471Flon's Law:
18472 There is not now, and never will be, a language in
18473 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
18474%
18475Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
18476husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
18477joules!"
18478
18479"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
18480a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
18481
18482"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
18483in my burette ... We must call a copper."
18484
18485Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
18486said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
18487of Lawrence Ium.
18488
18489"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
18490dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
18491catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
18492activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
18493 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
18494%
18495flowchart, n. & v.:
18496 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
18497"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
184981. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
18499problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
18500using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
18501doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
18502wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
18503thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
18504Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
18505flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
18506(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
18507 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
18508%
18509Flugg's Law:
18510 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
18511 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
18512%
18513Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
18514%
18515Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
18516Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
18517%
18518Flying saucers on occasion
18519 Show themselves to human eyes.
18520Aliens fume, put off invasion
18521 While they brand these tales as lies.
18522%
18523Fog Lamps, n:
18524 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
18525 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
18526 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
18527%
18528"Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
18529tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored."
18530 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
18531 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
18532%
18533Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
18534 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
18535%
18536Foolproof Operation:
18537 No provision for adjustment.
18538%
18539Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
18540%
18541Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
18542a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
18543%
18544Football combines the two worst features of American life.
18545It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
18546 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
18547%
18548Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
18549 -- Jimmy Breslin
18550%
18551For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
18552%
18553For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
18554%
18555For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
18556%
18557For a light heart lives long.
18558 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
18559%
18560For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
18561cat.
18562%
18563For adult education nothing beats children.
18564%
18565For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
18566women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
18567religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
18568The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
18569known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
18570prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
18571misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
18572 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
18573%
18574"For an adequate time call 555-3321"
18575%
18576For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
18577since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
18578%
18579For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
18580 -- Gore Vidal
18581%
18582For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
18583%
18584For courage mounteth with occasion.
18585 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
18586%
18587For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
18588 -- Harrison
18589%
18590For every bloke who makes his mark,
18591there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
18592 -- Andy Capp
18593%
18594For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
18595and wrong.
18596 -- H. L. Mencken
18597%
18598For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
18599 -- R. Clopton
18600%
18601For every human problem, there is a neat,
18602plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
18603 -- H. L. Mencken
18604%
18605For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
18606you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
18607not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
18608that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
18609when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
186101mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
18611'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
18612 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
18613%
18614For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
18615%
18616For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
18617and cook.
18618 -- Quentin Crisp
18619%
18620For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
18621 -- Alexander Pope
18622%
18623For gin, in cruel
18624Sober truth,
18625Supplies the fuel
18626For flaming youth.
18627 -- Noel Coward
18628%
18629For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
18630%
18631For good, return good.
18632For evil, return justice.
18633%
18634For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
18635 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
18636%
18637For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
18638but with break of day I went to make supplication.
18639 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
18640%
18641For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
18642As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
18643But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
18644He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
18645Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
18646And no quarrel a knight ought to take
18647But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
18648 -- Stephen Hawes
18649%
18650For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
18651%
18652For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
18653and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
18654 -- Sir Thomas More
18655%
18656For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
18657get themselves filed.
18658 -- Clifton Fadiman
18659%
18660For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
18661put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
18662 -- Steven Wright
18663%
18664For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
18665life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
18666now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
18667when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
18668in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
18669the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
18670means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
18671advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
18672the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
18673names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
18674("part of this complete breakfast").
18675 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
18676%
18677For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
18678the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
18679power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
18680and bad music may be put on record forever.
18681 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
18682%
18683For people who like that kind of book,
18684that is the kind of book they will like.
18685%
18686For perfect happiness, remember two things:
18687 (1) Be content with what you've got.
18688 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
18689%
18690FOR SALE:
18691 Parachute. Used once.
18692 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
18693%
18694For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
18695"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
18696 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
18697%
18698For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
18699%
18700For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
18701massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
18702last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
18703 -- Jehan Shuman
18704%
18705For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
18706each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
18707was a gate.
18708 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
18709
18710 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18711 referring to system overview.]
18712
18713%
18714For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
18715This gives me great hope for the human race.
18716 -- Harlan Ellison
18717%
18718For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
18719%
18720For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
18721 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
18722%
18723For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
18724neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
18725 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
18726
18727 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18728 referring to powerfail recovery.]
18729%
18730For they starve the frightened little child
18731Till it weeps both night and day:
18732And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
18733And gibe the old and grey,
18734And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
18735And none a word may say.
18736
18737Each narrow cell in which we dwell
18738Is a foul and dark latrine,
18739And the fetid breath of living Death
18740Chokes up each grated screen,
18741And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
18742In Humanity's machine.
18743
18744And all men kill the thing they love,
18745By all let this be heard,
18746Some do it with a bitter look,
18747Some with a flattering word,
18748The coward does it with a kiss,
18749The brave man with a sword.
18750 -- Oscar Wilde
18751%
18752For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
18753When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
18754him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
18755spend my evenings?"
18756 -- Chamfort
18757%
18758For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
18759'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
18760recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
18761protected species.
18762 Ingredients:
18763 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
18764 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
18765 1 teaspoonful salt
18766 8 oz. shredded suet
18767 2 small onions
18768 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
18769
18770 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
18771overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
18772the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
18773gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
18774half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
18775salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
18776swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
18777available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
18778four to five hours.
18779%
18780For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
18781 -- Abraham Lincoln
18782%
18783For three days after death hair and fingernails
18784continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
18785 -- Johnny Carson
18786%
18787For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
18788a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
18789Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
18790religions.
18791
18792 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
18793%
18794For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
18795I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
18796But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
18797Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
18798 -- Justin Richardson.
18799%
18800For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
18801%
18802Force has no place where there is need of skill.
18803 -- Herodotus
18804%
18805"Force is but might," the teacher said--
18806"That definition's just."
18807The boy said naught but thought instead,
18808Remembering his pounded head:
18809"Force is not might but must!"
18810%
18811Force it!!!
18812If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
18813No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
18814%
18815FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
18816%
18817Forecast, n:
18818 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
18819 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
18820%
18821Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
18822%
18823Forgetfulness, n:
18824 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
18825 their destitution of conscience.
18826%
18827Forgive and forget.
18828 -- Cervantes
18829%
18830Forgive him,
18831for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
18832 -- G. B. Shaw
18833%
18834Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
18835And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
18836 -- Robert Frost
18837%
18838Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
18839 -- John F. Kennedy
18840%
18841Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
18842%
18843Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
18844%
18845FORTH IF HONK THEN
18846%
18847FORTRAN is a good example of a language
18848which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
18849 -- D. Gries
18850 [What's good about it? Ed.]
18851%
18852FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
18853%
18854FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
18855occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
18856 -- A. J. Perlis
18857%
18858FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
18859 -- Steven Feiner
18860%
18861FORTRAN rots the brain.
18862 -- John McQuillin
18863%
18864FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
18865inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
18866too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
18867 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
18868%
18869[FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
18870probably for at least the next decade.
18871 -- T. Cheatham
18872%
18873Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
18874%
18875Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
18876the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
18877of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
18878responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
18879or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
18880claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
18881provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
18882the accepted body of scientific evidence.
18883 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
18884 No. 2, pg. 215
18885%
18886Fortune and love befriend the bold.
18887 -- Ovid
18888%
18889FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
18890
18891Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
18892A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
18893 my dissertation to rhyme.
18894%
18895FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
18896
18897Q: Is God a myth?
18898A: No, He's a mythter.
18899%
18900fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
18901%
18902fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
18903%
18904FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
18905
18906Low Blows:
18907 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
18908of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
18909hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
18910
18911Dressing Up:
18912 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
18913garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
18914for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
18915weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
18916party".
18917
18918David Letterman:
18919 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
18920Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
18921haircut.
18922%
18923FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
18924
18925Relationships:
18926 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
18927refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
18928basis".
18929 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
18930her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
18931she will get on with her life.
18932 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
18933breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
18934wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
18935hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
18936always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
18937drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
18938community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
18939these classes rarely prove effective.
18940%
18941FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
18942
18943Shoes:
18944 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
18945boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
18946of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
18947
18948Making friends:
18949 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
18950together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
18951 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
18952together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
18953sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
18954psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
18955sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
18956jerk, I guess you're OK."
18957%
18958FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
18959
18960Desserts:
18961 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
18962work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
18963she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
18964grabbing the cherry in the center.
18965
18966Car repair:
18967 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
18968manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
18969himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
18970fixed without special tools".
18971 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
18972accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
18973car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
18974the average man.
18975%
18976FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
18977
18978Weddings:
18979 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
18980Men talk about "the bachelor party".
18981
18982Clothes:
18983 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
18984he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
18985the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
18986the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
18987them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
18988 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
18989They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
18990%
18991FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
18992
18993Trust:
18994 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
18995around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
18996she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
18997OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
18998one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
18999his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
19000of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
19001so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
19002
19003Driving:
19004
19005 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
19006the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
19007him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
19008to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
19009Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
19010shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
19011price their policies accordingly.
19012 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
19013rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
19014her makeup.
19015%
19016FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
19017
19018Bathrooms:
19019 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
19020shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
19021The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
19022would not be able to identify most of these items.
19023
19024Groceries:
19025 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
19026and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
19027are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
19028everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
19029his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
19030Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
19031%
19032FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
19033
19034Going Out:
19035 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
19036out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
19037to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
19038checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
19039
19040Cats:
19041 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
19042looking, men kick cats.
19043
19044Offspring:
19045 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
19046about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
19047and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
19048aware of some short people living in the house.
19049%
19050FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
19051
19052Laundry:
19053 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
19054of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
19055years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
19056he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
19057of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
19058the laundromat. This is a myth.
19059
19060Nicknames:
19061 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
19062they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
19063Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
19064refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
19065
19066Socks:
19067 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
19068Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
19069of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
19070%
19071FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
19072
19073CARTABLANCA:
19074 Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
19075 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
19076 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
19077 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
19078 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
19079 which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
19080%
19081FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
19082
19083MONOPOLI:
19084 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
19085 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
19086 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
19087 Boardwalk property.
19088%
19089FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
19090
19091O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
19092
19093 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
19094 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
19095 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
19096 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
19097 With Julie Christie.
19098%
19099FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
19100
19101MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
19102 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
19103 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
19104 into your heart.
19105%
19106FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
19107
19108WITLESS:
19109 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
19110 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
19111 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
19112 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
19113 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
19114%
19115FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
19116
19117THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
19118 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
19119 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
19120 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
19121 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
19122 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
19123 a glowing performance.
19124%
19125FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
19126
19127RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
19128 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
19129 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
19130 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
19131%
19132FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
19133
19134OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
19135 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
19136 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
19137 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
19138 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
19139 younger viewers.
19140%
19141FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
19142
19143THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
19144 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
19145 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
19146 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
19147
19148THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
19149 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
19150 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
19151 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
19152 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
19153%
19154FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
19155
19156THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
19157
19158 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
19159 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
19160 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
19161%
19162Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19163
19164It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
19165supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
19166more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
19167negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
19168negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
19169as that in support of an affirmative.
19170 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
19171%
19172Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19173
19174We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
19175left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
19176seems to us that someone has been very careless.
19177 -- 78 So. 365.
19178%
19179Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19180
19181We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
19182may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
19183species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
19184of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
19185revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
19186it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
19187 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
19188%
19189FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
19190
19191skilled oral communicator:
19192 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
19193 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
19194
19195skilled written communicator:
19196 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
19197 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
19198
19199growth potential:
19200 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
19201 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
19202 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
19203
19204key company figure:
19205 Serves as the perfect counter example.
19206%
19207FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
19208
19209consistent:
19210 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
19211 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
19212
19213an excellent sounding board:
19214 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
19215 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
19216
19217a planner and organizer:
19218 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
19219 animal tags on his clothing.
19220%
19221FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
19222
19223has management potential:
19224 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
19225 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
19226 pencil monitor.
19227
19228inspirational:
19229 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
19230 go I.")
19231
19232adapts to stress:
19233 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
19234 situation.
19235
19236goal oriented:
19237 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
19238 to meet them.
19239%
19240Fortune favors the lucky.
19241%
19242Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
19243
19244 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
19245%
19246Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
19247
19248 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
19249 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
19250 Cowboy cheerleaders.
19251%
19252Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
19253
19254 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
19255 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
19256 Juliet, this bud's for you.
19257%
19258Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
19259
19260 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
19261 you've made happy.
19262%
19263Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
19264
19265 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
19266 No, I guess not.
19267%
19268Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
19269
19270 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
19271%
19272Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
19273
19274 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
19275 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
19276%
19277Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
19278
19279 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
19280%
19281fortune: No such file or directory
19282%
19283fortune: not found
19284%
19285Fortune presents:
19286 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
19287
19288^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
19289Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
19290Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
19291 renkontas. I've met.
19292La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
19293Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
19294Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
19295Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
19296%
19297Fortune presents:
19298 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
19299
19300^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
19301^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
19302^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
19303Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
19304Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
19305^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
19306%
19307Fortune presents:
19308 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
19309
19310Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
19311 ^cevalon.
19312Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
19313Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
19314Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
19315Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
19316Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
19317%
19318FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
19319
19320Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
19321Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
19322Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
19323Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
19324%
19325FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
19326
19327A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
19328Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
19329%
19330FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
19331
19332A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
19333Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
19334%
19335FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
19336
19337A: To be or not to be.
19338Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
19339%
19340FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
19341
19342A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
19343Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
19344%
19345FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
19346
19347A: Chicken Teriyaki.
19348Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
19349%
19350FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
19351
19352A: Go west, young man, go west!
19353Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
19354%
19355FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
19356
19357A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
19358Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
19359%
19360FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
19361
19362 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
19363 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
19364%
19365FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
19366
19367 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
19368 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
19369%
19370Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
19371
19372Try:
19373 ar t "God"
19374 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
19375 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
19376 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
19377 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
19378 rm God
19379 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
19380 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19381 make "heads or tails of all this"
19382 who is smart
19383 (C shell)
19384 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
19385 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19386%
19387Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
19388sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
19389
19390Oh, and have a nice day!
19391 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
19392%
19393fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
19394
19395 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
19396 "Hey you, get off my plate"
19397 -- Roger Midnight
19398%
19399Fortune's current rates:
19400
19401 Answers .10
19402 Long answers .25
19403 Answers requiring thought .50
19404 Correct answers $1.00
19405
19406 Dumb looks are still free.
19407%
19408Fortune's diet truths:
194091: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
194102: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
194113: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
19412 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
194134: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
19414 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
194155: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
19416 appealing as tepid beer.
194176: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
194187: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
19419 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
19420 it isn't.
194218: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
194229: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
1942310: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
1942411: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
19425 swallowing.
19426%
19427Fortune's Exercising Truths:
19428
194291: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
194302. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
194313. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
194324. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
194335. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
19434 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
19435 you twitter around in your chair.
194366. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
194377. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
19438 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
19439 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
194408. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
19441 followed by one throw-up.
194429. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
19443%
19444FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
19445 Christmas Rum Cake
19446
194471 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
194481 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
194491 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
194502 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
194512 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
19452
19453Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
19454select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
19455must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
19456of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
19457mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
19458and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
19459Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
19460of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
19461beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
19462for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
19463seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
19464Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
19465strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
19466Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
19467poothtick comes out crean.
19468%
19469Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
19470 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
19471%
19472FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19473 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
19474 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
19475 A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
19476 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
19477 rather then a spotted one.
19478 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
19479 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
19480 legume-part of the pea family.
19481 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
19482%
19483FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19484 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
19485Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
19486%
19487FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
19488 Can you name the seven seas?
19489 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
19490 North Pacific, South Pacific.
19491 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
19492 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
19493%
19494FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
19495 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
19496%
19497FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
19498
19499In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
19500there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
19501flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
19502%
19503FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19504 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
19505at least once a year.
19506%
19507FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
19508
19509The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
19510can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
19511%
19512FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
19513 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
19514his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
19515ability in that particular field."
19516%
19517FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19518
19519In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
19520at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
19521%
19522FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
19523 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
19524%
19525FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
19526 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
19527movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
19528right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
19529%
19530FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
19531
19532 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
19533a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
19534%
19535Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
19536
19537 Don't Write On Walls!
19538
19539 (and underneath)
19540
19541 You want I should type?
19542%
19543Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
19544
19545August 27, 1949:
19546 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
19547 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
19548%
19549FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
19550What to do...
19551 if reality disappears?
19552 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
19553 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
19554
19555 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
19556 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
19557 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
19558 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
19559 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
19560 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
19561 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
19562 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
19563%
19564FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
19565What to do...
19566 if you get a phone call from Mars:
19567 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
19568 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
19569 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
19570
19571 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
19572 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
19573 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
19574 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
19575 calling.
19576
19577 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
19578 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
19579 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
19580 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
19581 charges may have been reversed.
19582%
19583FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
19584What to do...
19585 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
19586 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
19587 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
19588 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
19589 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
19590 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
19591 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
19592
19593 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
19594 closet contains an alternate dimension?
19595 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
19596 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
19597 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
19598 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
19599 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
19600%
19601Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
19602
19603WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
19604
19605Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
19606of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
19607combination of beauty and power. Few have
19608excelled him in the use of the English language,
19609or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
19610'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
19611single poem ever written."
19612
19613Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
19614doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
19615of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
19616 bungling and greed of President
19617 Roosevelt.
19618
19619... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
19620not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
19621%
19622Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
19623 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
19624State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
19625with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
19626weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
19627apply to female horses.
19628%
19629Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
19630goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
19631House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
19632sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
19633and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
19634
19635Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
19636 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
19637Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
19638Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
19639 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
19640 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
19641 fertilization."
19642Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
19643 teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
19644%
19645Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
19646
19647 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
19648%
19649FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
19650
19651 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
19652your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
19653and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
19654drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
19655%
19656Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
19657
19658Q: Are you married?
19659A: No, I'm divorced.
19660Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
19661A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
19662%
19663Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
19664
19665Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
19666A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
19667%
19668Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
19669
19670THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
19671 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
19672 any ...
19673%
19674Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
19675
19676Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
19677A: I will be three months November 8th.
19678Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
19679A: Yes.
19680Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
19681%
19682Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
19683
19684Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
19685A: No.
19686Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
19687A: Picking them up in the air.
19688Q: Where was the dog at this time?
19689A: Attached to the ears.
19690%
19691Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
19692
19693Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
19694 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
19695 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
19696 him to the station?
19697MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
19698%
19699Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
19700
19701Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
19702A: By death.
19703Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
19704%
19705Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
19706
19707Q: What is your name?
19708A: Ernestine McDowell.
19709Q: And what is your marital status?
19710A: Fair.
19711%
19712Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
19713
19714Q: What happened then?
19715A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
19716 me."
19717Q: Did he kill you?
19718A: No.
19719%
19720Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
19721
19722Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
19723the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
19724the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
19725in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
19726incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
19727never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
19728memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
19729done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
19730the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
19731you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
19732the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
19733
19734 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
19735 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
19736 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
19737%
19738FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
19739
19740 Never goose a wolverine.
19741%
19742FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
19743
19744 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
19745%
19746Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
19747%
19748Four be the things I am wiser to know:
19749Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
19750
19751Four be the things I'd been better without:
19752Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19753
19754Three be the things I shall never attain:
19755Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
19756
19757Three be the things I shall have till I die:
19758Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
19759 -- Inventory
19760%
19761Four be the things I'd been better without:
19762Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19763-- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well"
19764%
19765Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
19766tombstones, women and competitors.
19767 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
19768%
19769Four hours to bury the cat?
19770Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
19771%
19772Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
19773ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
19774This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
19775 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
19776%
19777Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
19778 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
19779 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
19780
19781Corollary:
19782 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
19783 study for that instructor's course.
19784%
19785Fourth Law of Revision:
19786 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
19787 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
19788 for you.
19789%
19790Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
19791almost one, it is damn near zero.
19792 -- David Ellis
19793%
19794Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
19795policeman's tie.
19796%
19797Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
19798 -- Rhett Buggler
19799%
19800Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
19801 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
19802%
19803Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
19804 -- A Yippie Proverb
19805%
19806FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
19807%
19808FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
19809%
19810FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
19811%
19812FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
19813 -- Warner Losh
19814%
19815FreeBSD Trivia:
19816 Did you know that successive security officers take
19817control by beheading their predecessor?
19818 -- Robert Watson
19819%
19820Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
19821%
19822Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
19823%
19824Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
19825 -- Camus
19826%
19827Freedom is slavery.
19828Ignorance is strength.
19829War is peace.
19830 -- George Orwell
19831%
19832Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
19833%
19834Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
19835 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
19836%
19837Fremen add life to spice!
19838%
19839Fresco's Discovery:
19840 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
19841%
19842Friction is a drag.
19843%
19844Fried's 1st Rule:
19845 Increased automation of clerical function
19846 invariably results in increased operational costs.
19847%
19848Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
19849 -- Thomas Jones
19850%
19851Friends, n:
19852 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
19853
19854 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
19855%
19856Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
19857Let me clue you in;
19858I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
19859The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
19860The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
19861Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
19862If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
19863And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
19864Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
19865So are they all, all cool cats, --
19866Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
19867%
19868Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
19869over the other.
19870 -- Honore DeBalzac
19871%
19872Frisbeetarianism, n.:
19873 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
19874gets stuck.
19875%
19876Frobnicate, v.:
19877 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
19878Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
19879frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
19880sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
19881manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
19882search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
19883turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
19884he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
19885screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
19886turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
19887%
19888Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
19889 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
19890electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
19891FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
19892FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
19893FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
19894via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
19895applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
19896%
19897From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
19898 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
19899%
19900From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
19901That is the point that must be reached.
19902 -- F. Kafka
19903%
19904From a Tru64 patch description:
19905
19906 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
19907%
19908[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
19909Association, in Rome]:
19910
19911The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
19912and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
19913spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
19914or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
19915millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
19916reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
19917engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
19918president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
19919schizophrenia in mass genocide.
19920%
19921From Italian tourist guide:
19922
19923 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
19924 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
19925%
19926From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
19927%
19928From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
19929 -- Bertolt Brecht
19930%
19931From the crystal swirling waters,
19932Of the Rio Amazon,
19933To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
19934Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
19935From ev'ry hallowed venue,
19936Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
19937Your butt is on the menu
19938And the check is in the mail.
19939 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
19940%
19941From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:
19942
19943Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
19944the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
19945Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
19946candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
19947nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
19948other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
19949qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
19950being nuts (unground)."
19951%
19952From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
19953convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
19954 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
19955%
19956[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
19957in Japan]:
19958
19959The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
19960MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
19961featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
19962against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
19963"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
19964Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
19965operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
19966
19967And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
19968achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
19969HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
19970%
19971From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
19972
19973 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
19974 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
19975 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
19976 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
19977 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
19978 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
19979 Italy celebrated on October 18."
19980%
19981From the Pointless Comparison Collection:
19982
19983 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are,
19984 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar
19985 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up
19986 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to
19987 set off the flash bulb on your camera once.
19988
19989 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network
19990 systems program at JPL
19991%
19992From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
19993instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
19994experience in sound:
19995
19996 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
19997 sound is normal for this type of connector.
19998%
19999From too much love of living,
20000From hope and fear set free,
20001We thank with brief thanksgiving,
20002Whatever gods may be,
20003That no life lives forever,
20004That dead men rise up never,
20005That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
20006 -- Swinburne
20007%
20008F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
20009 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
20010Hemingway:
20011 "Yes. They have more money."
20012%
20013Fuch's Warning:
20014 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
20015enough to travel.
20016%
20017Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
20018 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
20019%
20020Fun experiments:
20021 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
20022 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
20023 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
20024%
20025Fun Facts, #14:
20026 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
20027 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
20028%
20029Fun Facts, #63:
20030 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
20031 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
20032 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
20033 1510.
20034%
20035Function reject.
20036%
20037Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
20038%
20039Furbling, v.:
20040 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
20041even when you are the only person in line.
20042 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20043%
20044Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
20045 -- H. H. Williams
20046%
20047Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
20048but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
20049%
20050Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
20051%
20052Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
20053 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
20054%
20055G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
20056of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
20057secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
20058`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
20059that's your chance, my boy."
20060%
20061Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
20062 -- Joseph Stalin
20063%
20064Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
20065 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
20066there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
20067%
20068Garbage In - Gospel Out.
20069%
20070Garter, n.:
20071 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
20072stockings and desolating the country.
20073 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20074%
20075Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
20076our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
20077 -- Adventures of Asterix
20078%
20079Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
20080
20081 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
20082than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
20083 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
20084Obvious, isn't it?
20085 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
20086speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
20087long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
20088your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
20089so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
20090individuals and then grow ...
20091 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
20092signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
20093everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
20094the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
20095backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
20096think not, my friend, I think not.
20097 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20098%
20099"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
20100%
20101GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20102 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
20103 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
20104 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
20105 in it today, either.
20106%
20107GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20108 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
20109because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
20110for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
20111committing incest.
20112%
20113GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
20114 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
20115 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
20116 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
20117 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
20118%
20119genderplex, n:
20120 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
20121 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
20122 tortoises).
20123 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20124%
20125GENEALOGY:
20126 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
20127 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
20128 -- Ambrose Bierce
20129%
20130General notions are generally wrong.
20131 -- Lady M. W. Montagu
20132%
20133Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
20134 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
20135%
20136Generic Fortune.
20137%
20138Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
20139%
20140Genetics explains why you look like your father,
20141and if you don't, why you should.
20142%
20143GENIUS:
20144 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
20145 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
20146 all the right things to all the right people.
20147%
20148Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
20149 -- Owen Meredith
20150%
20151Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
20152 -- Thomas Alva Edison
20153%
20154Genius is pain.
20155 -- John Lennon
20156%
20157Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
20158%
20159Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
20160%
20161Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
20162 -- Elbert Hubbard
20163%
20164genius, n:
20165 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
20166 "bright".
20167%
20168genlock, n:
20169 Why he stays in the bottle.
20170%
20171Gentlemen,
20172 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
20173to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
20174with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
20175thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
20176 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
20177manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
20178I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
20179Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
20180exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
20181 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
20182for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
20183confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
20184regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
20185may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
20186fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
20187 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
20188my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
20189why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
20190must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
20191one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
20192 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
20193of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
20194 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
20195 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
20196 London, 1812
20197%
20198Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
20199old girl friend.
20200%
20201George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
20202his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
20203 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
20204
20205Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
20206had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
20207 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
20208%
20209George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
20210 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
20211%
20212George Orwell was an optimist.
20213%
20214George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
20215have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
20216 -- Ashley Cooper
20217%
20218George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
20219me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
20220 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
20221 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
20222and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
20223No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
20224George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
20225the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
20226Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
20227 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
20228yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
20229 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
20230gonna get on Labor Day."
20231%
20232(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
20233one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
20234"And he didn't understand me."
20235%
20236Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
20237 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
20238 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
20239 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
20240 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
20241 much as to make the task totally impossible.
20242%
20243Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
20244%
20245Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
20246 -- Dylan Thomas
20247%
20248Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
20249%
20250Getting into trouble is easy.
20251 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
20252%
20253Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
20254out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
20255 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
20256 of the American Bar Association
20257%
20258Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
20259
20260Corollary:
20261 Following the rules will not get the job done.
20262%
20263Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
20264%
20265Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
20266
20267'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
20268Snatch them from their little housies (...)
20269First we chase them 'round the field (...)
20270Then we have them for a meal (...)
20271
20272Toss them here and catch them there (...)
20273See them flying through the air (...)
20274Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
20275Falling mice have great appeal (...)
20276
20277See the hunter stretched before us (...)
20278He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
20279Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
20280Of the blood of little critters (...)
20281%
20282Gilbert's Discovery:
20283 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
20284 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
20285%
20286Gil-galad was an Elven-King
20287of him the harpers sadly sing;
20288the last whose realm was fair and free
20289between the Mountains and the Sea.
20290
20291His sword was long, his lance was keen,
20292his shining helm afar was seen;
20293the countless stars of heaven's field
20294were mirrored in his silver shield.
20295
20296But long ago he rode away,
20297and where he dwelleth none can say;
20298for into darkness fell his star
20299in Mordor where the shadows are.
20300%
20301Ginger Snap
20302%
20303Ginsberg's Theorem:
20304 1. You can't win.
20305 2. You can't break even.
20306 3. You can't even quit the game.
20307
20308Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
20309
20310 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
20311 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
20312 Theorem. To wit:
20313
20314 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
20315 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
20316 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
20317%
20318Ginsburg's Law:
20319 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
20320big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
20321%
20322GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
20323%
20324Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
20325Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
20326 -- Calvin Keegan
20327%
20328Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
20329that everything he encounters needs pounding.
20330%
20331Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
20332%
20333Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
20334that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
20335%
20336Give him an evasive answer.
20337%
20338Give me a fish and I will eat today.
20339Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
20340%
20341Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
20342dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
20343%
20344Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
20345%
20346Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
20347 -- St. Augustine
20348%
20349"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."
20350 -- Napolean
20351%
20352Give me libertines or give me meth.
20353%
20354Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
20355Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
20356But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
20357Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
20358 -- George Canning
20359%
20360Give me your students, your secretaries,
20361Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
20362The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
20363Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
20364I lift my disk beside the processor.
20365 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
20366%
20367Give thought to your reputation.
20368Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
20369%
20370GIVE UP!!!!
20371%
20372Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
20373%
20374Give your very best today.
20375Heaven knows it's little enough.
20376%
20377Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
20378 -- William Faulkner
20379%
20380Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
20381Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
20382 -- John Gilmore
20383%
20384Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
20385%
20386Given sufficient time, what you put
20387off doing today will get done by itself.
20388%
20389Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
20390rather lie around. No contest.
20391 -- Eric Clapton
20392%
20393Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
20394car keys to teenage boys.
20395 -- P. J. O'Rourke
20396%
20397Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
20398whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
20399LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
20400 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
20401%
20402GLEEMITES:
20403 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
20404 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
20405%
20406Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
20407 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
20408 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
20409 some useful work done.
20410%
20411Gloffing is a state of mine.
20412%
20413Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
20414 fifth of dry red wine
20415 fifth of Aquavit
20416 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
20417 10 cardamom seeds
20418 1 cup raisins
20419 4 dried figs
20420 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
20421 a few pieces of dried orange peel
20422 5 cloves
20423 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
20424 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
20425for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
20426the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
20427strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
20428Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
20429hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
20430 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
20431if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
20432extraction.
20433%
20434Gnagloot, n.:
20435 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
20436impress people.
20437 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20438%
20439Go ahead... make my day.
20440 -- Dirty Harry
20441%
20442Go ahead, make my day.
20443 -- Harry Callahan
20444%
20445Go away, I'm all right.
20446 -- H. G. Wells' last words.
20447%
20448Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
20449"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
20450
20451logout
20452%
20453Go climb a gravity well.
20454%
20455Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
20456%
20457Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
20458 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
20459%
20460Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
20461 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
20462%
20463Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
20464be in owning a piece thereof.
20465 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
20466%
20467Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
20468but quickly to their misfortunes.
20469 -- Chilo
20470%
20471Go to a movie tonight.
20472Darkness becomes you.
20473%
20474Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
20475all your troubles.
20476 -- Andrew Jackson
20477
20478The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
20479teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
20480in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
20481 -- Calvin Coolidge
20482
20483Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
20484religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
20485on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
20486secure which is not supported by moral habits.
20487 -- Daniel Webster
20488%
20489Go 'way! You're bothering me!
20490%
20491Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
20492 -- Wally Shawn
20493%
20494GOD:
20495 Darwin's chief rival.
20496%
20497God created a few perfect heads.
20498The rest he covered with hair.
20499%
20500God created woman.
20501And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
20502but many other things ceased as well.
20503Woman was God's second mistake.
20504 -- Nietzsche
20505%
20506God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
20507days and then pulled an all-nighter.
20508%
20509God doesn't play dice.
20510 -- Albert Einstein
20511%
20512God gave man two ears and one tongue so
20513that we listen twice as much as we speak.
20514 -- Arab proverb
20515%
20516"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
20517
20518Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
20519end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
20520can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
20521would he lie about a thing like that?
20522 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20523%
20524God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
20525%
20526God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
20527change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
20528%
20529God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
20530The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
20531not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
20532not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
20533and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
20534not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
20535morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
20536 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
20537%
20538God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
20539that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
20540 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
20541%
20542God help those who do not help themselves.
20543 -- Wilson Mizner
20544%
20545God helps them that helps themselves.
20546 -- Ben Franklin
20547%
20548God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
20549%
20550God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
20551but by pains and contradictions.
20552 -- De Caussade
20553%
20554God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
20555%
20556God is a polytheist.
20557%
20558God is Dead.
20559 -- Nietzsche
20560Nietzsche is Dead.
20561 -- God
20562Nietzsche is God.
20563 -- Dead
20564%
20565God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
20566 -- Ralph Moonen
20567%
20568God is love, but get it in writing.
20569 -- Gypsy Rose Lee
20570%
20571God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
20572much less ambitious project.
20573%
20574God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
20575%
20576God is real, unless declared integer.
20577%
20578God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
20579elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
20580other things.
20581 -- Pablo Picasso
20582%
20583God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
20584 -- Alfred Jarry
20585%
20586God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
20587%
20588God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
20589%
20590God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
20591 -- Paul Valery
20592%
20593God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
20594%
20595God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
20596 -- Mark Twain
20597%
20598God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
20599 -- Kronecker
20600%
20601God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
20602%
20603God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
20604 -- Albert Einstein
20605%
20606God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
20607%
20608God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
20609%
20610God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
20611Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
20612The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
20613Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
20614The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
20615Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
20616(chorus) (chorus)
20617
20618We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
20619They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
20620A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
20621It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
20622The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
20623We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
20624(chorus) (chorus)
20625
20626And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
20627Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
20628We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
20629Won't ruin your whole day.
20630You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
20631(chorus)
20632 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
20633%
20634God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
20635and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
20636 -- William Bragg
20637%
20638God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
20639%
20640God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
20641%
20642God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
20643to receive it.
20644 -- Austin O'Malley
20645%
20646God votes Republican.
20647%
20648God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
20649 -- Samuel Butler
20650%
20651Goda's Truism:
20652 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
20653 somebody moves the ends.
20654%
20655Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
20656%
20657Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
20658make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
20659%
20660Gold, n:
20661 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
20662 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
20663 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
20664 although gold hasn't done anything to them.
20665 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
20666%
20667Goldenstern's Rules:
20668 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
20669 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
20670%
20671Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
20672eating before he bursts.
20673%
20674Gold's Law:
20675 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
20676%
20677Gomme's Laws:
20678 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
20679 (2) Time accelerates.
20680 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
20681%
20682Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
20683 -- by Margaret Mitchell
20684
20685 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
20686
20687Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
20688 -- by O. Henry
20689
20690 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
20691
20692The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
20693 -- by Ernest Hemingway
20694
20695 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
20696
20697Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
20698 -- by Anne Frank
20699
20700 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
20701%
20702Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
20703%
20704Good advice is something a man gives
20705when he is too old to set a bad example.
20706 -- La Rouchefoucauld
20707%
20708Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
20709%
20710Good day for business affairs.
20711Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
20712%
20713Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
20714%
20715Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
20716%
20717Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
20718%
20719Good day to deal with people in high places;
20720particularly lonely stewardesses.
20721%
20722Good day to let down old friends who need help.
20723%
20724Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
20725at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
20726ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
20727song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
20728%
20729Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two.
20730%
20731Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
20732%
20733Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
20734those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
20735will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
20736government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
20737 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
20738%
20739"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
20740%
20741Good judgement comes from experience.
20742Experience comes from bad judgement.
20743 -- Jim Horning
20744%
20745Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
20746%
20747Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
20748giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
20749at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
20750%
20751Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
20752%
20753Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
20754%
20755Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
20756%
20757Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
20758%
20759Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
20760%
20761Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
20762new lover.
20763%
20764Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
20765 -- R. E. Schenk
20766%
20767Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
20768 -- Gail Godwin
20769%
20770Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
20771 -- George Saunders' dying words
20772%
20773Goodbye, cool world.
20774%
20775Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
20776tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
20777misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
20778that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
20779my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
20780my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
20781holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
20782 -- George Lincoln Rockwell
20783%
20784Gordon's first law:
20785 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
20786well.
20787%
20788Gordon's Law:
20789 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
20790%
20791Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
20792time travel, you never can tell."
20793 -- Dr. Who, "Androids of Tara"
20794%
20795gossip, n:
20796 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
20797 -- Earl Wilson
20798%
20799//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
20800%
20801Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
20802Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
20803
20804 1-800-AUDITME
20805%
20806Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
20807%
20808Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
20809I went out for a ride and never came back.
20810Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
20811I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
20812
20813 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20814 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20815 Lay down your money and you play your part,
20816 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20817
20818I met her in a Kingstown bar,
20819We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
20820We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
20821Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
20822
20823Everybody needs a place to rest,
20824Everybody wants to have a home.
20825Don't make no difference what nobody says,
20826Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
20827 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
20828%
20829Got Mole problems?
20830Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
20831%
20832Goto, n.:
20833 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
20834to complain about unstructured programmers.
20835 -- Ray Simard
20836%
20837Gourmet, n:
20838 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
20839 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
20840 leaving the best part.
20841%
20842Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
20843 -- Lao Tsu
20844%
20845Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
20846 -- John Updike, "Couples"
20847%
20848Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
20849different lies.
20850%
20851Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
20852more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
20853know much.
20854 -- The Best of Will Rogers
20855%
20856Government's Law:
20857 There is an exception to all laws.
20858%
20859Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
20860leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
20861board.
20862 -- Princess Leia Organa
20863%
20864Grabel's Law:
20865 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
20866%
20867Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
20868%
20869Graduate students and most professors are
20870no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
20871%
20872Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
20873he exclaimed:
20874 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
20875 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
20876 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
20877%
20878Grandpa Charnock's Law:
20879 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20880
20881 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
20882%
20883Graphics blind the eyes.
20884Audio files deafen the ear.
20885Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
20886Heuristics weaken the mind.
20887Options wither the heart.
20888
20889The Guru observes the net
20890but trusts his inner vision.
20891He allows things to come and go.
20892His heart is as open as the ether.
20893%
20894GRASSHOPPOTAMUS:
20895 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
20896%
20897Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
20898 -- Joseph Alsop
20899%
20900GRAVITY:
20901 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
20902%
20903Gravity brings me down.
20904%
20905Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
20906%
20907Gray's Law of Programming:
20908 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
20909 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
20910
20911Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
20912 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
20913%
20914Great acts are made up of small deeds.
20915 -- Lao Tsu
20916%
20917Great American Axiom:
20918 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
20919%
20920Great minds run in great circles.
20921%
20922GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
20923
20924On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
20925place of residence.
20926%
20927GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
20928
20929Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
20930%
20931GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
20932
20933Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
20934%
20935Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
20936 -- Albert Einstein
20937
20938They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
20939also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
20940 -- Carl Sagan
20941%
20942Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
20943%
20944Green light in A.M. for new projects.
20945Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
20946%
20947Greener's Law:
20948 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
20949%
20950Green's Law of Debate:
20951Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
20952%
20953Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming:
20954 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains
20955 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation
20956 of half of Common Lisp.
20957%
20958Grelb's Reminder:
20959 Eighty percent of all people consider
20960 themselves to be above average drivers.
20961%
20962grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
20963%
20964Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
20965value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
20966 -- Mark Twain
20967%
20968Griffin's Thought:
20969 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
20970%
20971Grig (the navigator):
20972 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
20973 armada.
20974Alex (the gunner):
20975 What?!?
20976Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
20977 overwhelming odds.
20978Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
20979Grig: That's the spirit!
20980 -- The Last Starfighter
20981%
20982Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
20983 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
20984%
20985Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
20986groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
20987 -- Johnny Carson
20988%
20989Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
20990better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
20991during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
20992"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
20993 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
20994maybe, but not in the House."
20995%
20996Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
20997 -- Maurice Chevalier
20998%
20999Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
21000reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
21001concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
21002disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
21003any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
21004meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
21005Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
21006adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
21007authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
21008television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
21009sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
21010combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
21011universe while straddling a giant worm.
21012 -- Arnold Klein
21013%
21014Grub first, then ethics.
21015 -- Bertolt Brecht
21016%
21017GUILLOTINE:
21018 A French chopping center.
21019%
21020Gumperson's Law:
21021 The probability of a given event
21022 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
21023%
21024Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
21025%
21026Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
21027 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
21028 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
21029 (2) The strength of the turbulence
21030 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
21031%
21032Gurmlish, n.:
21033 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
21034 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
21035 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
21036%
21037GURU:
21038 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
21039 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
21040 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
21041%
21042guru, n:
21043 A computer owner who can read the manual.
21044%
21045Gyroscope, n.:
21046 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
21047free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
21048other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
21049mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
21050other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
21051offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
21052torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
21053 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
21054%
21055H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
21056 Slice him up before he slays you.
21057 Nothing makes you look a slob
21058 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
21059 -- The Roguelet's ABC
21060%
21061H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
21062Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
21063 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
21064%
21065H. L. Mencken's Law:
21066 Those who can -- do.
21067 Those who can't -- teach.
21068
21069Martin's Extension:
21070 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
21071
21072 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
21073%
21074hacker, n:
21075 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
21076things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
21077philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
21078 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
21079of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
21080a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
21081and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
21082
21083 Hacker's Fight Song
21084
21085 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
21086 He's a guy with the happy knack!
21087 Never bungles, never shirks,
21088 Always gets his stuff to work!
21089
21090All take a drink (important!)
21091%
21092Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
21093%
21094Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
210952 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
21096 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
210971 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
21098 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
210991/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
211008 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
21101 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
21102"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
21103 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
21104 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
21105 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
21106 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
21107 the ceiling(3m).
21108"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
21109 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
21110 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
21111 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
21112"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
21113 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
21114 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
21115%
21116Hacker's Law:
21117 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
21118 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
21119%
21120Hackers of the world, unite!
21121%
21122Hacker's Quicky #313:
21123 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
21124 Microwave Egg Roll
21125 Chocolate Milk
21126%
21127Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
21128%
21129"Had he and I but met
21130By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
21131We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
21132Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
21133 And killed him in his place.
21134I shot him dead because --
21135Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
21136Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
21137That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
21138 No other reason why.
21139Yes; quaint and curious war is!
21140You shoot a fellow down
21141You'd treat, if met where any bar is
21142Or help to half-a-crown."
21143 -- Thomas Hardy
21144%
21145Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
21146useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
21147 -- Alfonso the Wise
21148
21149 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
21150 referring to operating system initialization.]
21151%
21152Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
21153fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
21154%
21155Hail to the sun god
21156He's such a fun god
21157Ra! Ra! Ra!
21158%
21159Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
21160%
21161Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
21162a big enough majority in any town?
21163 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
21164%
21165Hale Mail Rule, The:
21166 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
21167 one of the following:
21168 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
21169 (b) Stationery.
21170 (c) Postage stamp.
21171 (d) The letter you are answering.
21172%
21173Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
21174But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
21175But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
21176When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
21177%
21178Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
21179%
21180Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
21181%
21182Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
21183and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
21184%
21185Half-done:
21186 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
21187crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
21188between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
21189the difference between life and death.
21190 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
21191there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
21192airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
21193Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
21194Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
21195about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
21196man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
21197 Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
21198 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
21199%
21200half-done, n:
21201 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
21202 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
21203 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
21204 difference between life and death.
21205
21206 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
21207 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
21208 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
21209 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
21210 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
21211 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
21212 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
21213 -- Arthur Naiman
21214%
21215Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
21216%
21217Hall's Laws of Politics:
21218 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
21219 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
21220 something fixed.
21221 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
21222 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
21223 their own districts).
21224%
21225Hand, n.:
21226 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
21227commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
21228 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21229%
21230Handel's Proverb:
21231 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
21232%
21233handshaking protocol, n:
21234 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
21235 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
21236 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
21237%
21238Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
21239 -- Pink Floyd
21240%
21241hangover, n:
21242 The wrath of grapes.
21243%
21244Hanlon's Razor:
21245 Never attribute to malice
21246 that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
21247%
21248Hanson's Treatment of Time:
21249 There are never enough hours in a day,
21250 but always too many days before Saturday.
21251%
21252Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
21253%
21254Happiness is a hard disk.
21255%
21256Happiness is a positive cash flow.
21257%
21258Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
21259 -- Ingrid Bergman
21260%
21261Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
21262 -- Ogden Nash
21263%
21264Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
21265%
21266Happiness is the greatest good.
21267%
21268Happiness is twin floppies.
21269%
21270Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
21271%
21272Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
21273 -- Oscar Levant
21274%
21275Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
21276%
21277Happiness, n.:
21278 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
21279another.
21280 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21281%
21282happiness, n:
21283 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
21284%
21285Happy feast of the pig!
21286%
21287Happy is the child whose father died rich.
21288%
21289hard, adj:
21290 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
21291 of other people.
21292%
21293Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
21294 -- Daniel Dennett
21295%
21296Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
21297%
21298Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
21299 -- Charlie McCarthy
21300%
21301hardware, n:
21302 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
21303%
21304Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
21305The Duke is fond of kittens
21306He likes to take their insides out
21307And use them for his mittens
21308 From "The Thirteen Clocks"
21309%
21310Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
21311Advertising wondrous things.
21312 -- Tom Lehrer
21313%
21314Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
21315convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
21316 -- Tobias Smollet
21317%
21318Harp not on that string.
21319 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21320%
21321Harriet's Dining Observation:
21322 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
21323 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
21324%
21325Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
21326and I were waiting with our plates ready.
21327 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
21328the gravy with."
21329 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
21330reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
21331again, Harris and the pie were gone!
21332 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
21333hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
21334on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
21335 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
21336 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
21337 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
21338 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
21339theory.
21340 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
21341to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
21342 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
21343hadn't been carving that pie."
21344 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
21345%
21346Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
21347 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
21348 equipment ruined.
21349%
21350Harrison's Postulate:
21351For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
21352%
21353Harris's Lament:
21354 All the good ones are taken.
21355%
21356Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
21357always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
21358required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
21359were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
21360feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
21361a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
21362pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
21363procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
21364took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
21365the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
21366again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
21367waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
21368 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
21369was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
21370could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
21371you know."
21372%
21373Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
21374makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
21375famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
21376probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
21377have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
21378enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
21379attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
21380down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
21381just like Richard Nixon."
21382 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
21383%
21384Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
21385milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
21386sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
21387with all that pep and vitality.
21388%
21389Hartley's First Law:
21390 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
21391 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
21392%
21393HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
21394 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
21395
21396My corollary:
21397 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
21398%
21399Harvard Law:
21400 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
21401 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
21402 organism will do as it damn well pleases.
21403%
21404HARVARD:
21405Quarterback:
21406 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
21407a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi
21408has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
21409has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
21410Wide Receiver:
21411 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
21412Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
21413fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
21414or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
21415asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
21416those times.
21417YALE:
21418Defense:
21419 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
21420Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
21421Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
21422the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
21423out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
21424coin toss.
21425 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
21426%
21427Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
21428%
21429"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
21430"Yes; I don't have one."
21431"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
21432 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
21433%
21434Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
21435with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
21436was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
21437It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
21438but a lot harder than it appears.
21439%
21440Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
21441appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
21442and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
21443not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its
21444incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
21445 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
21446%
21447Haste makes waste.
21448 -- John Heywood
21449%
21450Hatcheck girl:
21451 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
21452Mae West:
21453 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
21454 -- "Night After Night", 1932
21455%
21456Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
21457stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
21458%
21459Hate the sin and love the sinner.
21460 -- Mahatma Gandhi
21461%
21462Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
21463unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
21464 -- Mike Royko
21465%
21466Hatred, n.:
21467 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
21468superiority.
21469 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21470%
21471Have a coke and a smile!
21472 -- John DeLorean
21473%
21474Have a nice day!
21475%
21476Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
21477%
21478Have a place for everything and keep the thing
21479somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
21480 -- Mark Twain
21481%
21482Have a taco.
21483 -- P. S. Beagle
21484%
21485Have an adequate day.
21486%
21487Have at you!
21488%
21489Have no friends not equal to yourself.
21490 -- Confucius
21491%
21492Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
21493to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
21494non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
21495
21496Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
21497still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
21498only serves to blunt the warning signs.
21499
21500 Long live the revolution!
21501 Have a nice day.
21502%
21503Have the courage to take your own thoughts
21504seriously, for they will shape you.
21505 -- Albert Einstein
21506%
21507Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
21508halfway between an oven and a pasture?
21509walking in a trance toward a pregnant
21510 seventeen-year-old housewife's
21511 two-day-old cookbook?
21512 -- Richard Brautigan
21513%
21514Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
21515
21516Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
21517she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
21518whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
21519So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
21520remain so.
21521 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
21522%
21523Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
21524to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
21525never find the time for play?
21526%
21527Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs,
21528I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container
21529filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
21530sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
21531their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
21532mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
21533they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
21534 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
21535%
21536Have you flogged your kid today?
21537%
21538"Have you lived here all your life?"
21539"Oh, twice that long."
21540%
21541Have you locked your file cabinet?
21542%
21543Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
21544vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
21545%
21546Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
21547sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
21548 -- Dr. Who
21549%
21550Have you reconsidered a computer career?
21551%
21552Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
21553photograph an American with his mouth shut!
21554%
21555Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
21556Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
21557In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
21558Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
21559
21560How can you tell me you're lonely,
21561And say for you the sun don't shine?
21562Let me take you by the hand
21563Lead you through the streets of London
21564I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
21565
21566Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
21567Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
21568In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
21569For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
21570%
21571Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
21572On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
21573High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
21574Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
21575If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21576Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21577...
21578Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
21579Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
21580Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
21581Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
21582Puttin' on the Ritz.
21583...
21584If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21585Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21586Puttin' on the Ritz.
21587Puttin' on the Ritz.
21588Puttin' on the Ritz.
21589Puttin' on the Ritz.
21590%
21591Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
21592in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
21593then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
21594eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
21595blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
21596the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
21597 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
21598%
21599Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
21600%
21601Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
21602 -- Martin Mull
21603%
21604Having no talent is no longer enough.
21605 -- Gore Vidal
21606%
21607Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
21608 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21609%
21610Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
21611 -- Socrates
21612%
21613Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
21614relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
21615the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
21616 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
21617dog, too!"
21618%
21619"Hawk, we're going to die."
21620"Never say die... and certainly never say we."
21621 -- M*A*S*H
21622%
21623Hawkeye's Conclusion:
21624 It's not easy to play the clown
21625 when you've got to run the whole circus.
21626%
21627He: Do you like Kipling?
21628She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
21629%
21630He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
21631She: "What do you want me to yell?"
21632 -- Benny Hill
21633%
21634HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
21635SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
21636 -- Walt Kelley
21637%
21638He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
21639 -- S. Wright
21640%
21641"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
21642effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
21643perversion."
21644 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
21645%
21646He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
21647the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
21648 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
21649%
21650He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
21651 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
21652%
21653He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
21654finer than the staple of his argument.
21655 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
21656%
21657"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
21658%
21659He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
21660%
21661He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
21662perfectly delightful.
21663 -- Sydney Smith
21664%
21665He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
21666and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
21667all hope of ever behaving "normally."
21668 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
21669%
21670He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
21671 -- Oscar Wilde
21672%
21673He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
21674Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
21675 -- Stig's Inferno
21676%
21677He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
21678 -- Bion
21679%
21680He hath eaten me out of house and home.
21681 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
21682%
21683He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
21684of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
21685said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
21686 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
21687%
21688He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
21689 -- John LeCarre
21690%
21691He is considered a most graceful speaker
21692who can say nothing in the most words.
21693%
21694He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
21695%
21696He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
21697 -- Samuel Johnson
21698%
21699He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
21700 -- Mark Twain
21701%
21702He is the best of men who dislikes power.
21703 -- Mohammed
21704%
21705He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
21706%
21707He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
21708 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
21709%
21710He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
21711%
21712He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
21713 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
21714%
21715He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
21716 -- Sir Richard Burton
21717%
21718He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
21719once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
21720%
21721He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21722%
21723He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21724 -- Ring Lardner
21725%
21726He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
21727 -- Andrew Lang
21728%
21729He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
21730had fallen to the ground.
21731 -- The Book of Serenity
21732%
21733(He opens a tolm and begins.)
21734
21735 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
21736 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
21737 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
21738 I must translate it otherwise.
21739 If I am well inspired and not blind.
21740 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
21741 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
21742 Lest you should write too hastily.
21743 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
21744 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
21745 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
21746 That my translation must be changed again.
21747 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
21748 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
21749 -- Goethe's Faust
21750%
21751[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
21752 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear.
21753
21754My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
21755 -- Peter Stack, movie review
21756
21757His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
21758 -- John Stark, movie review
21759%
21760He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
21761 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
21762%
21763He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
21764And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
21765 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
21766%
21767He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
21768 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
21769%
21770He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
21771 -- Scottish proverb.
21772%
21773He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
21774 -- Ben Franklin
21775%
21776He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
21777 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
21778%
21779He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
21780 -- Benjamin Franklin
21781%
21782He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
21783%
21784He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
21785 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
21786%
21787He thought he saw an albatross
21788That fluttered 'round the lamp.
21789He looked again and saw it was
21790A penny postage stamp.
21791"You'd best be getting home," he said,
21792"The nights are rather damp."
21793%
21794He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
21795three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
21796In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
21797slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
21798the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
21799 -- Eric Van Lustbader
21800%
21801[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
21802a complete set.
21803 -- Ring Lardner
21804%
21805He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
21806%
21807He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
21808made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
21809disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
21810dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
21811told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
21812 -- Jack Handey
21813%
21814He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
21815 -- Jonathon Swift
21816%
21817"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
21818insufferable."
21819%
21820He was part of my dream, of course --
21821but then I was part of his dream too.
21822 -- Lewis Carroll
21823%
21824He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
21825%
21826He was the sort of person whose personality
21827would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
21828%
21829He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
21830%
21831He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
21832broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
21833 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
21834%
21835He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
21836 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
21837%
21838He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
21839the human condition is a fool.
21840 -- Albert Camus
21841%
21842He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
21843 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
21844%
21845He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
21846 -- Balzac
21847%
21848He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
21849 -- Sinbad
21850%
21851He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
21852%
21853He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
21854%
21855He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
21856%
21857He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
21858%
21859He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
21860%
21861He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
21862a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
21863 -- Giacomo Leopardi
21864%
21865He who hates vices hates mankind.
21866%
21867He who hesitates is a damned fool.
21868 -- Mae West
21869%
21870He who hesitates is last.
21871%
21872He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
21873%
21874He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
21875%
21876He who invents adages for others to peruse
21877takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
21878%
21879He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
21880%
21881He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
21882%
21883He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
21884%
21885He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
21886encounter many rivals.
21887 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
21888%
21889He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
21890night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
21891senses until the day of judgement.
21892 -- Saadi
21893%
21894He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
21895%
21896He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
21897 -- Lao Tsu
21898%
21899He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
21900He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
21901He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
21902%
21903He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
21904But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
21905And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
21906 he knows something. Or something like that.
21907%
21908He who knows others is wise.
21909He who knows himself is enlightened.
21910 -- Lao Tsu
21911%
21912He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
21913 -- Lao Tsu
21914%
21915He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
21916 -- Bertolt Brecht
21917%
21918He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
21919%
21920He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
21921%
21922He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
21923%
21924He who laughs last is probably your boss.
21925%
21926He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
21927%
21928He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
21929%
21930He who laughs, lasts.
21931%
21932He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
21933%
21934He who loses, wins the race,
21935And parallel lines meet in space.
21936 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
21937%
21938He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
21939 -- Dr. Johnson
21940%
21941He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
21942%
21943He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
21944be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
21945 -- Sir Richard Burton
21946%
21947He who slings mud generally loses ground.
21948 -- Adlai Stevenson
21949%
21950He who slings mud loses ground.
21951 -- Chinese Proverb
21952%
21953He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
21954%
21955He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
21956%
21957He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
21958 -- Sinbad
21959%
21960He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
21961 -- M. C. Escher
21962%
21963He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
21964on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
21965education and culture.
21966 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
21967%
21968HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
21969Details at 11.
21970%
21971Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
21972%
21973Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
21974lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
21975 -- Redd Foxx
21976%
21977Hear about...
21978 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
21979 started chiseling on his wife?
21980%
21981Hear about...
21982 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
21983 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
21984%
21985Hear about...
21986 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
21987 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
21988 up a chopped libber?
21989%
21990Hear about...
21991 the guru who refused Novocain while having a tooth pulled because
21992 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
21993%
21994Hear about...
21995 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
21996 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
21997 Space"?
21998%
21999Hear about...
22000 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
22001 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
22002 typewriter's ribbon?
22003%
22004Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
22005Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
22006%
22007Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
22008One fortunate cookie...
22009%
22010Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
22011From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
22012 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
22013%
22014Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
22015Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
22016%
22017Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
22018 -- The Wizard of Oz
22019%
22020Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
22021on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
22022 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
22023 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
22024%
22025Heaven, n.:
22026 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
22027their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
22028expound your own.
22029 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22030%
22031Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
22032 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
22033%
22034heavy, adj:
22035 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
22036%
22037Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
22038%
22039Heisenberg may have been here.
22040%
22041"Heisenberg may have slept here"
22042%
22043Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
22044 -- Milton Friedman
22045%
22046Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
22047for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
22048 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
22049%
22050Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
22051how are they supposed to know you care?
22052%
22053Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
22054 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
22055%
22056hell, n:
22057 Truth seen too late.
22058%
22059Heller's Law:
22060 The first myth of management is that it exists.
22061
22062Johnson's Corollary:
22063 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
22064 organization.
22065%
22066Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
22067please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
22068Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
22069%
22070Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
22071date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
22072And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
22073you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
22074smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
22075don't hear your girl screaming any more?
22076
22077 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
22078 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
22079 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
22080%
22081"Hello," he lied.
22082 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
22083%
22084Hell's broken loose.
22085 -- Robert Greene
22086%
22087Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
22088%
22089Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
22090%
22091HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
22092%
22093HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
22094 -- E. E. CUMMINGS
22095%
22096Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
22097%
22098Help fight continental drift.
22099%
22100HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
22101%
22102Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
22103%
22104Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
22105%
22106Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
22107%
22108Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
22109getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
22110her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
22111regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
22112them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
22113them, without any power of engaging their respect.
22114 -- J. Austen
22115%
22116Her locks an ancient lady gave
22117Her loving husband's life to save;
22118And men -- they honored so the dame --
22119Upon some stars bestowed her name.
22120
22121But to our modern married fair,
22122Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
22123No stellar recognition's given.
22124There are not stars enough in heaven.
22125%
22126Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
22127from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth...
22128%
22129Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
22130%
22131Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
22132I've been caught inside this trap too many times
22133I must've walked these steps and said these words a
22134 thousand times before
22135It seems like I know everybody's lines.
22136 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
22137%
22138Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
22139I grow up.
22140 -- Peter Drucker
22141%
22142Here I sit, broken-hearted,
22143All logged in, but work unstarted.
22144First net.this and net.that,
22145And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
22146
22147The boss comes by, and I play the game,
22148Then I turn back to net.flame.
22149Is there a cure (I need your views),
22150For someone trapped in net.news?
22151
22152I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
22153'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
22154%
22155Here in my heart, I am Helen;
22156 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
22157I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
22158 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
22159
22160Here in my soul I am Sappho;
22161 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
22162In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
22163 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
22164
22165I'm all of the glamorous ladies
22166 At whose beckoning history shook.
22167But you are a man, and see only my pan,
22168 So I stay at home with a book.
22169 -- Dorothy Parker
22170%
22171Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
22172lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
22173your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
22174Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
22175pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
22176but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
22177important electrical lesson.
22178
22179It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
22180your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
22181objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
22182attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
22183collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
22184friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
22185carpet, thus completing the circuit.
22186
22187Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
22188touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
22189finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
22190have carpeting.
22191 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
22192%
22193Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
22194if you're alive, it isn't.
22195%
22196Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
22197to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
22198marketing anxiety in China.
22199
22200The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
22201inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
22202
22203Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
22204
22205The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
22206a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
22207tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
22208satiric vistas do not open up.
22209 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
22210%
22211HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
22212SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
22213NO LES
22214NO MOORE
22215 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
22216%
22217Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
22218Now she's at rest, and so am I.
22219 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
22220%
22221Here there by tygers.
22222%
22223HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
22224the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
22225around as if you're going to fall.
22226 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
22227%
22228Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
22229`Psychic Wins Lottery.'
22230 -- Jay Leno
22231%
22232Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
22233King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
22234
22235 * Governmental offices
22236 * Post offices
22237 * Libraries
22238 * Schools
22239 * Banks
22240 * Parts of Palm Beach
22241
22242and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
22243 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
22244%
22245Herth's Law:
22246 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
22247%
22248He's been like a father to me,
22249He's the only DJ you can get after three,
22250I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
22251And why he don't like me I don't understand.
22252 -- The Byrds
22253%
22254He's dead, Jim.
22255%
22256He's got the heart of a little child,
22257and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
22258%
22259He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
22260%
22261He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
22262%
22263He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
22264his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
22265 -- Phil Lapsley
22266%
22267He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
22268be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
22269%
22270"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
22271%
22272Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
22273If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
22274%
22275Hewett's Observation:
22276 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
22277 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
22278 peers similarly engaged.
22279%
22280"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
22281 -- W. C. Fields
22282%
22283Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
22284To get a little more stack;
22285If that's not enough then you lose it all
22286And have to pop all the way back.
22287%
22288Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
22289gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
22290%
22291HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
22292 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
22293 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
22294 these words were spoken.
22295%
22296"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
22297"Whattaya need?"
22298"Oh, about $500."
22299"Whattaya got for collateral?"
22300"Whattaya need?"
22301"How about an eye?"
22302 -- Sam Giancana
22303%
22304Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
22305*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
22306 -- Gallagher
22307%
22308Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
22309Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
22310%
22311Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
22312the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
22313leave your name and message after the beep...
22314%
22315Hi! How are things going?
22316 (just fine, thank you...)
22317Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
22318 (you just asked one...)
22319Well, how about one more?
22320 (one more than the first one?)
22321Yes.
22322 (you already asked that...)
22323[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
22324May I ask two questions, sir?
22325 (no.)
22326May I ask ONE then?
22327 (nope...)
22328Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
22329 (yes, you may.)
22330Sir, how may I ask you a question?
22331 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
22332 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
22333 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
22334 next one)
22335Sir, may I ask nine questions?
22336 (go right ahead...)
22337%
22338"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
22339As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
22340equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
22341Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
22342probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
22343course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
22344experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
22345of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
22346
22347"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
22348motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
22349 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
22350%
22351Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
22352You wanna help on the audit now?
22353%
22354Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
22355reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
22356nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
22357%
22358Hickery Dickery Dock,
22359The mice ran up the clock,
22360The clock struck one,
22361The others escaped with minor injuries.
22362%
22363Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
22364
22365 WE CAN HELP!
22366
22367Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
22368%
22369Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
22370Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
22371Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
22372Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
22373 We buried him today because
22374 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
22375 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
22376 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
22377 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
22378 Schickele
22379%
22380Higgeldy Piggeldy,
22381Hamlet of Elsinore
22382Ruffled the critics by
22383Dropping this bomb:
22384"Phooey on Freud and his
22385Psychoanalysis,
22386Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
22387I just loved Mom."
22388%
22389Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
22390Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
22391 little of both.
22392 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
22393%
22394High heels are a device invented by a woman
22395who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
22396%
22397High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
22398Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
22399 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
22400 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
22401 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
22402 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
22403High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
22404Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
22405 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
22406 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
22407 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
22408 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
22409 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
22410 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
22411 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
22412All: Amen.
22413 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
22414%
22415HIGH TECHNOLOGY:
22416 A California innovation composed
22417 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
22418%
22419Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
22420%
22421Hildebrant's Principle:
22422 If you don't know where you are going,
22423 any road will get you there.
22424%
22425Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
22426Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
22427Him: "Really? That's incredible...
22428 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
22429 -- "The Jerk"
22430%
22431Hindsight is always 20:20.
22432 -- Billy Wilder
22433%
22434Hindsight is an exact science.
22435%
22436Hippogriff, n.:
22437 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
22438The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
22439The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
22440is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
22441of surprises.
22442 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22443%
22444Hire the morally handicapped.
22445%
22446His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
22447a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
22448 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
22449%
22450...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
22451 -- Tommy
22452%
22453"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
22454outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
22455%
22456His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
22457to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
22458claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
22459stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
22460Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
22461went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
22462prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
22463goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
22464the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
22465Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
22466rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
22467Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
22468 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
22469%
22470"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
22471money, he went to Southern California."
22472%
22473His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
22474%
22475His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
22476 -- P. G. Wodehouse
22477%
22478His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
22479%
22480His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
22481 -- Foghorn Leghorn
22482%
22483His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
22484%
22485Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
22486of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
22487continues to this day.
22488 -- Wayne Shannon
22489%
22490History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
22491%
22492History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
22493of the Mexican revolution:
22494
22495 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
22496captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
22497shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
22498the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
22499army where he was then executed."
22500%
22501History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
22502i.e. none to speak of.
22503 -- Lazarus Long
22504%
22505History is curious stuff
22506 You'd think by now we had enough
22507Yet the fact remains I fear
22508 They make more of it every year.
22509%
22510History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
22511cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
22512 -- Leo Tolstoy
22513%
22514History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
22515%
22516History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
22517 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
22518%
22519History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
22520%
22521History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
22522time as bedroom farce.
22523%
22524History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
22525%
22526History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
22527periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
22528asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
22529intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
22530state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
22531 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
22532%
22533Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
22534Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
22535Pour my black old coffee longer,
22536While that smell is gettin' stronger
22537A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
22538
22539Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
22540With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
22541If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
22542The Lord'll bless your sharin'
22543A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
22544
22545And let me halfway fall in love,
22546For part of a lonely night,
22547With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22548Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
22549Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
22550With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22551 -- Elroy Blunt
22552%
22553Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
22554 The stapler runs out of staples
22555 only while you are trying to staple something.
22556%
22557Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
22558agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
22559used against the coloured.
22560 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
22561%
22562Hlade's Law:
22563 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
22564 they will find an easier way to do it.
22565%
22566Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
22567An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
22568
22569The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
22570media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
22571discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
22572our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
22573structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
22574remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
22575creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
22576inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
22577class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
22578the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
22579sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
22580exist in a more fundamental sense.
22581%
22582Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
22583 Inside every large problem is a small
22584 problem struggling to get out.
22585%
22586Hodie natus est radici frater.
22587%
22588Hoffer's Discovery:
22589 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
22590 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
22591%
22592Hofstadter's Law:
22593 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
22594 Hofstadter's Law into account.
22595%
22596HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
22597 Take a shot every time:
22598
22599-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
22600-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
22601-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
22602-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
22603-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
22604 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
22605-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
22606-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
22607 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
22608-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
22609-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
22610-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
22611-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
22612-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
22613-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
22614-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
22615-- Lebeau wears his apron.
22616-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
22617 plan is impossible.
22618-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
22619%
22620Hollerith, v:
22621 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
22622%
22623Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
22624 -- Rex Reed
22625%
22626Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
22627Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
22628
22629 Tune in again tomorrow:
22630 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
22631%
22632HOLY MACRO!
22633%
22634Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
22635they have to take you in.
22636 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
22637%
22638Home is where the hurt is.
22639%
22640Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
22641cage is to a cockatoo.
22642 -- George Bernard Shaw
22643%
22644Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
22645The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
22646 -- Chris Shaw
22647%
22648Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
22649%
22650"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
22651 -- Samuel Butler
22652%
22653Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
22654 -- Plato
22655%
22656"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
22657%
22658Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
22659 -- F. M. Hubbard
22660%
22661Honesty's the best policy.
22662 -- Miguel de Cervantes
22663%
22664honeymoon, n:
22665 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
22666 -- Ray C. Bandy
22667%
22668Honi soit la vache qui rit.
22669%
22670Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
22671%
22672Honk if you love peace and quiet.
22673%
22674Honorable, adj.:
22675 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
22676bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
22677honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
22678 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22679%
22680Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
22681 -- Francis Bacon
22682%
22683Hope is a waking dream.
22684 -- Aristotle
22685%
22686Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
22687 -- M. Horner
22688%
22689Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
22690%
22691Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
22692 -- Peanuts
22693%
22694Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
22695as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
22696 -- Moore
22697%
22698Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
22699 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
22700%
22701Horngren's Observation:
22702 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
22703%
22704Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
22705 -- Jack Benny
22706%
22707Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
22708 -- W.C. Fields
22709%
22710HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
22711%
22712HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
22713%
22714Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
22715had towels from my house.
22716 -- Mark Guido
22717%
22718Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
22719%
22720Household hint:
22721 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
22722 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
22723%
22724Housework can kill you if done right.
22725 -- Erma Bombeck
22726%
22727Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
22728 -- Neil Armstrong
22729%
22730How apt the poor are to be proud.
22731 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
22732%
22733How can you be in two places at once
22734when you're not anywhere at all?
22735%
22736How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
22737 -- Schulz
22738%
22739How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
22740 -- Charles de Gaulle
22741%
22742How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
22743 -- Pink Floyd
22744%
22745How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
22746thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
22747in the waking state?
22748 -- Plato
22749%
22750How can you think and hit at the same time?
22751 -- Yogi Berra
22752%
22753How can you work when the system's so crowded?
22754%
22755How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
22756%
22757How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
22758claim they'll make you?
22759%
22760How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
22761%
22762How come we never talk anymore?
22763%
22764How come wrong numbers are never busy?
22765%
22766How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
22767in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
22768 -- A. Cooper
22769%
22770How could they think women a recreation?
22771Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
22772Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
22773of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
22774be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
22775Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
22776I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
22777of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
22778The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
22779Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
22780A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
22781I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
22782for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
22783To ambergris. But not for recreation.
22784I would not have lost so much for recreation.
22785
22786Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
22787of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
22788Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
22789have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
22790But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
22791To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
22792and call and call forever till she turn from bird
22793to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
22794To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
22795in all her fresh particularity of difference.
22796Then oh, through the underwater time of night
22797indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
22798This I have done with my life, and am content.
22799I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
22800standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
22801 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
22802%
22803"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows."
22804%
22805How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
22806 -- Elliot, "E.T."
22807%
22808"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid
22809to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
22810 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
22811replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
22812you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
22813deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
22814second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
22815in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
22816licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
22817examined his claws.
22818 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
22819hers and not my own, not ever again."
22820 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
22821%
22822How doth the little crocodile
22823 Improve his shining tail,
22824And pour the waters of the Nile
22825 On every golden scale!
22826
22827How cheerfully he seems to grin,
22828 How neatly spreads his claws,
22829And welcomes little fishes in,
22830 With gently smiling jaws!
22831 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
22832%
22833How doth the VAX's C-compiler
22834 Improve its object code.
22835And even as we speak does it
22836 Increase the system load.
22837
22838How patiently it seems to run
22839 And spit out error flags,
22840While users, with frustration, all
22841 Tear their clothes to rags.
22842%
22843How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
22844journalists, and they believe what they read.
22845 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
22846%
22847How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
22848%
22849How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
22850 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
22851%
22852How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22853None: "We'll fix it in software."
22854
22855How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22856None: "We'll document it in the manual."
22857
22858How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22859None: "The user can work it out."
22860%
22861"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
22862carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
22863
22864Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
22865d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
22866what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
22867say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
22868back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
22869cheese!" and so on.
22870 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
22871%
22872How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
22873%
22874How many weeks are there in a light year?
22875%
22876How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
22877Dayton?
22878 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
22879%
22880How much does she love you?
22881Less than you'll ever know.
22882%
22883How much for your women? I want to buy your
22884daughter... how much for the little girl?
22885 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
22886%
22887How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
22888%
22889How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
22890%
22891How often I found where I should be going
22892only by setting out for somewhere else.
22893 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
22894%
22895How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
22896%
22897How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
22898 -- Linus Van Pelt
22899%
22900How to become a sysop:
22901 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
22902 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
22903 worked a full day in my life since then.
22904 -- rho/slashdot
22905%
22906How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
22907 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
22908%
22909How untasteful can you get?
22910%
22911How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
22912%
22913HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22914 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
22915%
22916HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22917 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
22918%
22919HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22920
22921 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
22922 you.
22923%
22924How you look depends on where you go.
22925%
22926Howe's Law:
22927 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
22928%
22929However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
22930in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
22931 -- Tom K. Ryan
22932%
22933However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
22934is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
22935There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
22936or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
22937powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
22938sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
22939not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
22940government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
22941with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
22942threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
22943tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
22944that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
22945"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
22946claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
22947angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
22948who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
22949call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
22950of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
22951in the name of "conservatism."
22952 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
22953%
22954HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
22955that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
22956changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
22957was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
22958amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
22959was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
22960 -- Albuquerque Journal
22961%
22962Hubbard's Law:
22963 Don't take life too seriously;
22964 you won't get out of it alive.
22965%
22966Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
22967Oh wait...
22968I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
22969Never mind.
22970%
22971Huh?
22972%
22973Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
22974%
22975Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
22976Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
22977table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
22978a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
22979walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
22980x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
22981%
22982Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
22983 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
22984%
22985Human resources are human first, and resources second.
22986 -- J. Garbers
22987%
22988Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
22989responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
22990immature.
22991 -- Tom Robbins
22992%
22993Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
22994 -- Alan Kay
22995%
22996Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
22997 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
22998%
22999Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
23000%
23001Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
23002 -- William Gilbert
23003%
23004Humorists always sit at the children's table.
23005 -- Woody Allen
23006%
23007"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
23008chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
23009jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
23010state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
23011through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
23012 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
23013Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
23014You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
23015dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
23016oil!"
23017 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
23018%
23019Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
23020Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
23021All the king's horses,
23022And all the king's men,
23023Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
23024%
23025Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
23026%
23027Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
23028 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
23029 to... to... uh.....
23030%
23031Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given
23032time, turns into people.
23033 -- Harlow Shapley
23034%
23035I:
23036 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
23037 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
23038II:
23039 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
23040 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
23041III:
23042 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
23043IV:
23044 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
23045V:
23046 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
23047 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
23048 output.
23049 -- Norman Augustine
23050%
23051I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
23052are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
23053carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
23054terrifies people the most.
23055 -- Bob Dylan
23056%
23057I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
23058 -- John Hinckley
23059%
23060I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
23061 -- Muhammad Ali
23062%
23063I allow the world to live as it chooses,
23064and I allow myself to live as I choose.
23065%
23066I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
23067or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
23068viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
23069 -- Richard M. Nixon
23070
23071What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
23072 -- Richard M. Nixon
23073%
23074I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
23075good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
23076 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
23077%
23078I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
23079 -- David Bowie
23080%
23081I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
23082It is never any good to oneself.
23083 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
23084%
23085I always say beauty is only sin deep.
23086 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
23087%
23088I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
23089accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
23090 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
23091%
23092I always wake up at the crack of ice.
23093 -- Joe E. Lewis
23094%
23095I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
23096'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
23097I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
23098On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
23099I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
23100The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
23101Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23102And a cow. And a cow.
23103
23104The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
23105Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
23106The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
23107It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
23108Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
23109One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
23110 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23111 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
23112 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
23113%
23114I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
23115person, you will not sell me another book.
23116%
23117I am a computer.
23118I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
23119%
23120I am a conscientious man, when I throw
23121rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
23122 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
23123%
23124I am a deeply superficial person.
23125 -- Andy Warhol
23126%
23127I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
23128than be one.
23129 -- Clarence Darrow
23130%
23131I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
23132 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
23133%
23134I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
23135computer to be running Win98.
23136 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
23137%
23138I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
23139limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
23140 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
23141%
23142I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
23143 -- Winston Churchill
23144%
23145"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
23146have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
23147This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
23148reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
23149buy some more."
23150 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
23151%
23152I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
23153for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
23154is to suffer for others.
23155 -- Cesar Chavez
23156%
23157I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
23158quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
23159otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
23160 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
23161%
23162I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
23163 -- Katharine Whitehorn
23164%
23165I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
23166I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
23167was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
23168 -- Steven Wright
23169%
23170"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
23171of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
23172you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
23173atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
23174inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
23175 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
23176%
23177I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
23178 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
23179%
23180I am looking for a honest man.
23181 -- Diogenes the Cynic
23182%
23183I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
23184%
23185I am NOMAD!
23186%
23187I am not a crook.
23188 -- Richard Nixon
23189%
23190I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
23191 -- A. Ward
23192%
23193I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
23194 -- William Allen White
23195%
23196I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
23197 -- Paul McCracken
23198%
23199I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
23200 -- Gloria Steinem
23201%
23202I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
23203 -- Dennis Ritchie
23204%
23205"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
23206 -- English Professor
23207%
23208I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
23209that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
23210planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
23211world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
23212 -- Bill Cole
23213%
23214I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
23215(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
23216 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
23217%
23218I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
23219for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
23220 -- Winston Churchill
23221%
23222I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
23223has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
23224 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
23225%
23226I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
23227with an option to buy.
23228%
23229I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
23230%
23231I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
23232%
23233I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
23234 -- John Donne
23235%
23236I am two with nature.
23237 -- Woody Allen
23238%
23239I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
23240I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
23241 -- Samuel Johnson
23242%
23243I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
23244sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
23245loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
23246 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
23247 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
23248%
23249"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
23250argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
23251steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
23252they don't even invite me."
23253 -- Dave Barry
23254%
23255I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
23256why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
23257small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
23258would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
23259Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
23260them completely, even molding the keypads.
23261 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
23262%
23263I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
23264ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
23265%
23266I B M
23267U B M
23268We all B M
23269For I B M!!!!
23270 -- H.A.R.L.I.E.
23271%
23272I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
23273 -- Gilda Radner
23274%
23275I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
23276perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
23277I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
23278and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
23279a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
23280together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
23281wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
23282the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
23283be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
23284to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
23285as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
23286twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
23287with time.
23288 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
23289%
23290I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
23291particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
23292 -- Ogden Nash
23293%
23294I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
23295-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
23296how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
23297to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
23298political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
23299because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
23300the people who might elect him.
23301 -- John F. Kennedy
23302%
23303I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
23304 -- G. K. Chesterton
23305%
23306I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
23307 -- Woody Allen
23308%
23309I believe that professional wrestling is clean
23310and everything else in the world is fixed.
23311 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
23312%
23313I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
23314thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
23315total discrediting of the world of reality.
23316 -- Salvador Dali
23317%
23318I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
23319 -- Will Rogers
23320%
23321I bet the human brain is a kludge.
23322 -- Marvin Minsky
23323%
23324I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
23325the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
23326 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23327%
23328I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
23329end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
23330embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
23331they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
23332 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23333%
23334I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
23335 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
23336 a visit to a London veterans hospital
23337%
23338I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
23339 -- Stephen Wright
23340%
23341I brake for chezlogs!
23342%
23343I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
23344Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
23345box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
23346relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
23347psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
23348more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
23349sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
23350be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
23351as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
23352thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
23353the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
23354your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
23355your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
23356apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
23357down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
23358 -- Townsend Davis
23359%
23360I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
23361 -- Biff Barf
23362%
23363I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
23364They're still living in the fifties.
23365 -- Strange de Jim
23366%
23367I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
23368%
23369I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
23370All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
23371 -- Firesign Theatre
23372%
23373I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
23374%
23375I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
23376prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
23377bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
23378relentless day.
23379 -- Betty MacDonald
23380%
23381I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
23382 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
23383%
23384I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
23385 -- Jay Gould
23386%
23387I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
23388and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
23389 -- Larry Lee
23390%
23391I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
23392%
23393I can relate to that.
23394%
23395"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
2339625 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
23397true."
23398 -- Harry S. Truman
23399%
23400I can resist anything but temptation.
23401%
23402I can see him a'comin'
23403With his big boots on,
23404With his big thumb out,
23405He wants to get me.
23406He wants to hurt me.
23407He wants to bring me down.
23408But some time later,
23409When I feel a little straighter,
23410I'll come across a stranger
23411Who'll remind me of the danger,
23412And then.... I'll run him over.
23413Pretty smart on my part!
23414To find my way... In the dark!
23415 -- Phil Ochs
23416%
23417I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
23418and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
23419 -- A. J. Liebling
23420%
23421I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
23422 -- Lillian Hellman
23423%
23424I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
23425 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
23426%
23427I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
23428of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
23429 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
23430%
23431I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
23432If it be man's work I will do it.
23433%
23434I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
23435
23436What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
23437grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
23438of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
23439United States would have lost World War II."
23440 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
23441%
23442I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
23443 -- Steven Pearl
23444%
23445I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
23446 -- Joe Walsh
23447%
23448I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
23449 -- Florence Henderson
23450%
23451I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
23452 -- Phil Harris
23453%
23454I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
23455If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
23456I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
23457 Your Socks Outside-in
23458I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
23459Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
23460I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
23461I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
23462I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
23463 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
23464%
23465I can't mate in captivity.
23466 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
23467%
23468I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
23469It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
23470 -- Robert Benchley
23471%
23472I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
23473 -- Albert Anastasia
23474%
23475I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
23476forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
23477 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
23478 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
23479 Party Conference
23480%
23481I can't understand it.
23482I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
23483 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
23484%
23485I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
23486novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
23487 -- Fred Allen
23488%
23489I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
23490I'm frightened of the old ones.
23491 -- John Cage
23492%
23493I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
23494keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
23495up a child.
23496 -- Stephen Wright
23497%
23498I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
23499a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
23500 -- Michael Prichard
23501%
23502I consider a new device or technology to have been
23503culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
23504 -- M. Gallaher
23505%
23506I consider the day misspent that I am not
23507either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
23508 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
23509%
23510I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
23511dance with the cows till you come home.
23512 -- Groucho Marx
23513%
23514I could never learn to like her --
23515except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
23516 -- Mark Twain
23517%
23518I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
23519%
23520I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
23521time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
23522 -- Peter Oakley
23523%
23524I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
23525%
23526I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
23527I should have to believe in it in this one.
23528 -- Strange de Jim
23529%
23530I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
23531 -- Bart Simpson
23532%
23533I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
23534But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
23535 -- Rita Gain
23536%
23537I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
23538%
23539"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
23540%
23541I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
23542The curtain was up.
23543%
23544"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!"
23545 -- Zippy the Pinhead
23546%
23547I disagree with what you say, but will defend
23548to the death your right to tell such LIES!
23549%
23550I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
23551and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
23552unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
23553you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
23554 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23555%
23556I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
23557too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
23558 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23559%
23560I do desire we may be better strangers.
23561 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
23562%
23563I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
23564%
23565I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
23566exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
23567minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
23568accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
23569mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
23570bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
23571different.
23572 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
23573%
23574I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
23575Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
23576nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
23577 -- Thomas Paine
23578%
23579I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
23580quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
23581the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
23582and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
23583 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
23584 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
23585 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
23586 Cardinals backed down and played.
23587%
23588I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
23589 -- Isaac Asimov
23590%
23591I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
23592sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
23593 -- Galileo Galilei
23594%
23595I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
23596 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
23597%
23598I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
23599any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
23600comes nearest to it of any.
23601 -- Henry David Thoreau
23602%
23603I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
23604butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
23605 -- Chuang-tzu
23606%
23607I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
23608starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
23609reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
23610devote it to research in mathematics.
23611 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
23612%
23613I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
23614I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
23615tiresome.
23616 -- I Ching
23617%
23618I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
23619 -- Salvador Dali
23620%
23621"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
23622don't believe in astrology."
23623 -- James R. F. Quirk
23624%
23625I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
23626a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
23627numbers!!
23628%
23629I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
23630a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
23631 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
23632%
23633I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
23634run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
23635husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
23636 -- The Best of Will Rogers
23637%
23638I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
23639 -- Heard in Bethlehem
23640%
23641I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
23642 -- Calvin Trillin
23643%
23644"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
23645nominating"
23646 -- Boss Tweed
23647%
23648I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
23649deserve that either.
23650 -- Jack Benny
23651%
23652I don't do it for the money.
23653 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
23654%
23655I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
23656 -- K. Coates
23657%
23658I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
23659 -- Katherine Cebrian
23660%
23661I don't get no respect.
23662%
23663I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
23664I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
23665%
23666I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
23667 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
23668%
23669I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
23670highly trained certified public accountants.
23671 -- Elvis Presley
23672%
23673I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
23674hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
23675 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
23676%
23677I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
23678globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
23679 -- Bruce Baum
23680%
23681I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
23682 -- Elvis Presley
23683%
23684I don't know what Descartes' got,
23685But booze can do what Kant cannot.
23686 -- Mike Cross
23687%
23688I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
23689more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
23690 -- Abraham Lincoln
23691%
23692I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
23693 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
23694%
23695I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
23696%
23697I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
23698because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
23699 -- Clarence Darrow
23700%
23701I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
23702I don't trust him.
23703 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
23704 with Dutch Schultz.
23705
23706I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
23707trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
23708 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
23709 "Legs" Diamond.
23710%
23711I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
23712 -- Cash McCall
23713%
23714I don't mind arguing with myself.
23715It's when I lose that it bothers me.
23716 -- Richard Powers
23717%
23718"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
23719 -- Ronald Mabbitt
23720%
23721I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
23722streets and frighten the horses.
23723 -- Victor Hugo
23724%
23725I don't need no arms around me...
23726I don't need no drugs to calm me...
23727I have seen the writing on the wall.
23728Don't think I need anything at all.
23729No! Don't think I need anything at all!
23730All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23731All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23732 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
23733%
23734"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
23735%
23736I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
23737%
23738I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
23739he starts to practice law.
23740 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
23741 Attorney-General.
23742%
23743I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
23744fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
23745 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23746%
23747"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
23748%
23749I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
23750Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
23751 -- Richard Nixon, 1972
23752%
23753"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
23754to the sea and drown yourselves."
23755
23756"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
23757you human beings don't."
23758 -- James Thurber
23759%
23760I don't understand you anymore.
23761%
23762I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
23763But there will definitely be a party tonight...
23764%
23765I don't want a pickle,
23766I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
23767And I don't want to die,
23768I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
23769 -- Arlo Guthrie
23770%
23771I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
23772 -- Jean Anouilh
23773%
23774I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
23775I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
23776 -- Woody Allen
23777%
23778I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
23779the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
23780thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
23781broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
23782Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
23783their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
23784 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
23785 COMING!"
23786%
23787I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
23788%
23789I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
23790 -- Woody Allen
23791%
23792I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
23793%
23794I dote on his very absence.
23795 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
23796%
23797I doubt, therefore I might be.
23798%
23799"I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
23800on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
23801he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
23802becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
23803 -- George Bernard Shaw
23804%
23805I drink to make other people interesting.
23806 -- George Jean Nathan
23807%
23808I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
23809%
23810I enjoy the time that we spend together.
23811%
23812I exist, therefore I am paid.
23813%
23814I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
23815%
23816I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
23817%
23818I fell asleep reading a dull book,
23819and I dreamt that I was reading on,
23820so I woke up from sheer boredom.
23821%
23822I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
23823honest difference of opinion.
23824 - Isaac Asimov
23825%
23826I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
23827I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
23828 -- Steven Wright
23829%
23830I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
23831 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
23832 just shot.
23833%
23834"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
23835%
23836I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
23837 -- Augustus Caesar
23838%
23839"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
23840reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
23841 -- Gotama Buddha
23842%
23843I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
23844I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
23845I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
23846I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
23847
23848How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
23849How can there be a building, that has no floor?
23850How can there be a program, that has no end?
23851How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
23852
23853An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
23854A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
23855A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
23856I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
23857%
23858I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20
23859minutes of my life!
23860%
23861I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
23862 -- Mae West
23863%
23864I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
23865 -- Chauncey Depew
23866%
23867I get up each morning, gather my wits.
23868Pick up the paper, read the obits.
23869If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
23870So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
23871
23872Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
23873My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
23874But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
23875And think of the places my get-up has been.
23876 -- Pete Seeger
23877%
23878I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
23879 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
23880%
23881I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
23882 -- H. L. Mencken
23883%
23884I go the way that Providence dictates.
23885 -- Adolf Hitler
23886%
23887"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
23888pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
23889said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
23890opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
23891at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
23892with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
23893Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said
23894'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
23895The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
23896It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
23897attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
23898would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones,
23899I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
23900and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
23901called me again."
23902 -- Stephen Wright
23903%
23904I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
23905when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
23906farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
23907 -- Steven Wright
23908%
23909I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
23910wearing masks for.
23911 -- James Boren
23912%
23913I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
23914 -- Steven Wright
23915%
23916I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
23917theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
23918other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
23919stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
23920long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
23921$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
23922a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
23923 -- Steven Wright
23924%
23925I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
23926 -- Butch Cassidy
23927%
23928I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
23929and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
23930
23931No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
23932human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
23933you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
23934generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
23935puppet.
23936 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23937%
23938I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
23939was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
23940being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
23941 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23942%
23943I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
23944time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
23945win -- or even how you won.
23946 -- Cash McCall
23947%
23948I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
23949other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
23950 -- Hal Clement
23951%
23952I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
23953Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
23954one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
23955 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23956%
23957I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
23958 -- D. Cavett
23959%
23960I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
23961we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
23962 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23963%
23964I had a dream last night...
23965I dreamt about 1976.
23966I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
23967I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
23968Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
23969so I went back to sleep again.
23970 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
23971%
23972I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
23973depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
23974see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
23975through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
23976why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
23977dinner and I let it go.
23978 -- Winston Churchill
23979%
23980I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
23981in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
23982Beach."
23983 -- The Stunt Man
23984%
23985I had another dream the other day about government financial management
23986people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
23987had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
23988%
23989I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
23990and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
23991painting by Goya.
23992 -- Stravinsky
23993%
23994I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
23995people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
23996put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
23997power to make things different is a bitch.
23998 -- Miles Davis
23999%
24000I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
24001so I took his shoes.
24002 -- Dave Barry
24003%
24004I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
24005implement a PL/1 compiler.
24006 -- T. Cheatham
24007%
24008"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
24009Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
24010 -- Mary Lou Bax
24011%
24012I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
24013%
24014I hate babies. They're so human.
24015 -- H. H. Munro
24016%
24017I hate dying.
24018 -- Dave Johnson
24019%
24020I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
24021it's going to be up all night.
24022 -- Steven Wright
24023%
24024I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
24025and I know how bad I am.
24026 -- Samuel Johnson
24027%
24028I hate quotations.
24029 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
24030%
24031I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
24032there's nothing else to do.
24033 -- Lenny Bruce
24034%
24035I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
24036ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
24037 -- Willow
24038%
24039I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
24040open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
24041box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
24042it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
24043had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
24044of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
24045call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
24046doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
24047didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
24048 -- S. Wright
24049%
24050I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
24051Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
24052and just keeps on typing.
24053 -- Stephen Wright
24054%
24055I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
24056the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
24057sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
24058 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
24059%
24060I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
24061I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
24062I just... to make a long story short..."
24063 -- Stephen Wright
24064%
24065I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
24066 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
24067%
24068I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
24069I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
24070some of it.
24071 -- Steven Wright
24072%
24073I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
24074And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
24075He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
24076And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
24077
24078The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
24079Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
24080For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
24081And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
24082 -- Robert L. Stevenson
24083%
24084I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
24085I spent last summer folding it.
24086People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
24087 -- Steven Wright
24088%
24089I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
24090 -- Richard Diran
24091%
24092I have a simple philosophy:
24093
24094 Fill what's empty.
24095 Empty what's full.
24096 Scratch where it itches.
24097 -- A. R. Longworth
24098%
24099I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
24100in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
24101got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
24102 -- Steven Wright
24103%
24104I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
24105%
24106I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
24107but I can't prove it.
24108%
24109"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
24110any time!"
24111%
24112I have a very small mind and must live with it.
24113 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
24114%
24115I have a very strange feeling about this...
24116 -- Luke Skywalker
24117%
24118"I have accepted Provolone into my life!"
24119 -- Zippy the Pinhead
24120%
24121I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
24122sacrifice my wife's brother.
24123 -- Artemus Ward
24124%
24125I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
24126to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
24127 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
24128%
24129I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
24130 -- Steven Wright
24131%
24132I have become me without my consent.
24133%
24134I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
24135would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
24136 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
24137%
24138I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
24139cent an idiot.
24140 -- George Bernard Shaw
24141%
24142I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
24143to sit still in a room.
24144 -- Blaise Pascal
24145%
24146I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
24147I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
24148 -- Camillo Di Cavour
24149%
24150I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
24151to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
24152support of the woman I love.
24153 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
24154 of the British throne in order to marry the American
24155 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
24156%
24157I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
24158most of them are trash.
24159 -- Sigmund Freud
24160%
24161I have gained this by philosophy:
24162that I do without being commanded what others
24163do only from fear of the law.
24164 -- Aristotle
24165%
24166I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
24167 -- Edgar Allan Poe
24168%
24169I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
24170of a prostate operation.
24171 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
24172%
24173I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
24174 -- Plato
24175%
24176I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
24177I do believe that is a record.
24178 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
24179%
24180"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
24181sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
24182eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
24183have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
24184beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
24185guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
24186of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
24187 -- Harry S. Truman
24188%
24189I have learned silence from the talkative,
24190toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
24191 -- Kahlil Gibran
24192%
24193I have learned
24194To spell hors d'oeuvres
24195Which still grates on
24196Some people's n'oeuvres.
24197 -- Warren Knox
24198%
24199I have lots of things in my pockets;
24200None of them is worth anything.
24201Sociopolitical whines aside,
24202Gan you give me, gratis, free,
24203The price of half a gallon
24204Of Gallo extra bad
24205And most of the bus fare home.
24206%
24207I have made mistakes but I have never made the
24208mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
24209 -- James Gordon Bennett
24210%
24211I have made this letter longer than usual
24212because I lack the time to make it shorter.
24213 -- Blaise Pascal
24214%
24215I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
24216%
24217I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
24218____BODY!
24219 -- from "Cerebus" #82
24220%
24221I have never been one to sacrifice
24222my appetite on the altar of appearance.
24223 -- A. M. Readyhough
24224%
24225I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
24226 -- Mark Twain
24227%
24228I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
24229 -- Rob Pike, on X.
24230
24231Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
24232gone in two years. He was half right.
24233 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
24234
24235Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
24236 -- Jim Gettys
24237%
24238I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
24239already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
24240establishment.
24241 -- Alan Bennett
24242%
24243I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
24244in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
24245 -- Thoreau
24246%
24247I have no doubt the Devil grins,
24248As seas of ink I spatter.
24249Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
24250The other kind don't matter.
24251 -- Robert W. Service
24252%
24253I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
24254own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
24255of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
24256 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
24257%
24258I have not yet begun to byte!
24259%
24260I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
24261 -- George Wallace
24262%
24263I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
24264and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
24265be blockhead enough to have me.
24266 -- Abraham Lincoln
24267%
24268I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
24269 -- Jimmy Carter
24270%
24271I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
24272 -- Publilius Syrus
24273%
24274I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
24275Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
24276advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
24277for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
24278after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
24279of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
24280commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
24281the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
24282reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
24283 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
24284a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
24285execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
24286justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
24287venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
24288ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
24289made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
24290declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
24291 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
24292by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
24293advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
24294think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse
24295calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
24296In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
24297be economized by the aid of machinery.
24298 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
24299%
24300"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."
24301 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
24302%
24303I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
24304%
24305I have that old biological urge,
24306I have that old irresistible surge,
24307I'm hungry.
24308%
24309I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
24310 -- Oscar Wilde
24311%
24312"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
24313scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
24314 -- Steven Wright
24315%
24316"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
24317 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
24318%
24319I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
24320 -- Richard Burton
24321%
24322I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
24323the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
24324authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
24325 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
24326 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
24327 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
24328 science of data processing), c. 1957
24329%
24330"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
24331his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
24332beating up a child."
24333 -- Steven Wright
24334%
24335I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
24336 -- John D. Rockefeller
24337%
24338I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
24339at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
24340 -- Poul Anderson
24341%
24342I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
24343%
24344I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
24345%
24346I hear the sound that the machines make,
24347and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
24348%
24349I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
24350%
24351I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
24352interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
24353more than he knows.
24354 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
24355%
24356I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
24357 -- Thomas Jefferson
24358%
24359I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
24360I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
24361My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
24362But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
24363
24364The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
24365For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
24366I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
24367So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
24368
24369 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
24370%
24371I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
24372secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
24373%
24374I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
24375 -- Raoul Duke
24376%
24377I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
24378I think I saw God.
24379 -- B. Hathrume Duk
24380%
24381I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
24382%
24383I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
24384He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
24385and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
24386ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
24387 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
24388%
24389I just got out of the hospital after a
24390speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
24391 -- S. Wright
24392%
24393I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
24394 -- Casey Stengel
24395%
24396I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
24397 -- Bill Hoest
24398%
24399"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
24400"Did you ever see a doctor?"
24401"No, just spots."
24402%
24403I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
24404I haven't had time for tobacco since.
24405 -- Arturo Toscanini
24406%
24407I knew her before she was a virgin.
24408 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
24409%
24410I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
24411If I could just remember what it was.
24412%
24413I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
24414take one along that worked.
24415 -- Raymond Chandler
24416%
24417I know if you been talkin' you done said
24418just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
24419You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
24420and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
24421But don't you get square!
24422There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
24423They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
24424%
24425I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
24426%
24427I know not how I came into this,
24428shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
24429 -- St. Augustine
24430%
24431I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
24432World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
24433 -- Albert Einstein
24434%
24435I know on which side my bread is buttered.
24436 -- John Heywood
24437%
24438I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
24439The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
24440 -- Charles Schulz
24441%
24442I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
24443you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
24444 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
24445%
24446I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
24447custody means. Get even with your old lady.
24448 -- Lenny Bruce
24449%
24450"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
24451Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
24452myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
24453world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
24454one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"
24455 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
24456%
24457I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
24458but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
24459it means.
24460%
24461I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
24462but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
24463%
24464I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
24465%
24466I lately lost a preposition;
24467It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
24468And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
24469Up from out of under there."
24470
24471Correctness is my vade mecum,
24472And straggling phrases I abhor,
24473And yet I wondered, "What should he come
24474Up from out of under for?"
24475 -- Morris Bishop
24476%
24477I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
24478Waitin' for the double E.
24479The railroad don't run no more.
24480Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
24481 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
24482 These young girls won't let me be,
24483 Lord have mercy on me!
24484 Woe is me!
24485
24486Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
24487Well, I ain't naming names.
24488But she really worked me over good,
24489She was just like Jesse James.
24490She really worked me over good,
24491She was a credit to her gender.
24492She put me through some changes, boy,
24493Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
24494
24495I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
24496She asked me if I'd beat her.
24497She took me back to the Hyatt House,
24498I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
24499 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
24500%
24501I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
24502didn't is just lyin'!
24503 -- Willie Nelson
24504%
24505I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
24506 -- Art Leo
24507%
24508I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
24509that kidnapped Europa.
24510 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
24511%
24512I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
24513promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
24514peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
24515the way and let them have it.
24516 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
24517%
24518"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
24519%
24520I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
24521%
24522I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
24523 -- Tom McGuane
24524%
24525I like your game but we have to change the rules.
24526%
24527I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
24528%
24529I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
24530to bite people themselves.
24531 -- August Strindberg
24532%
24533I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
24534I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
24535 -- Art Buchwald
24536%
24537I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
24538person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
24539 -- Rita Rudner
24540%
24541I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
24542someone takes them away.
24543 -- Nancy Mitford
24544%
24545I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
24546It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
24547%
24548I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
24549 -- Schulz
24550%
24551I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
24552 -- Walt Disney
24553%
24554"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
24555entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
24556 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
24557%
24558I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
24559 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
24560%
24561"I love to eat them Smurfies
24562 Smurfies what I love to eat
24563 Bite they ugly heads off,
24564 Nibble on they bluish feet."
24565%
24566I love treason but hate a traitor.
24567 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
24568%
24569I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
24570 -- Elvis Costello
24571%
24572I love you, not only for what you are,
24573but for what I am when I am with you.
24574 -- Roy Croft
24575%
24576I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
24577commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
24578irresistible.
24579 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
24580%
24581I married beneath me. All women do.
24582 -- Lady Nancy Astor
24583%
24584"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
24585don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
24586speed of light."
24587 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
24588%
24589I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
24590%
24591I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
24592 -- Doctor Graper
24593%
24594I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
24595 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
24596%
24597I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
24598 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
24599%
24600I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
24601clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
24602 -- Steven Wright
24603%
24604I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
24605congressman.
24606 -- Will Rogers
24607%
24608I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
24609I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
24610 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
24611%
24612I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
24613 -- Alexander Woolcott
24614%
24615I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
24616week sometimes to make it up.
24617 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
24618%
24619I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
24620%
24621I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
24622and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
24623-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
24624we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
24625feet for the base.
24626
24627And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
24628sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
24629m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
24630roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
24631sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
24632
24633Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
24634area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
24635crowding.
24636 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
24637%
24638I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
24639 -- Fratianno
24640%
24641I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
24642legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
24643way.
24644 -- Jay Gould
24645%
24646I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
24647something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
24648 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
24649%
24650I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
24651 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
24652 Royal Family
24653%
24654I never did it that way before.
24655%
24656I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
24657places they do today.
24658 -- Will Rogers
24659%
24660I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
24661could do was to go away.
24662%
24663I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
24664 -- Groucho Marx
24665%
24666I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
24667 -- Mickey Cohen
24668%
24669I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
24670 -- Mae West
24671%
24672I never made a mistake in my life.
24673I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
24674 -- Lucy Van Pelt
24675%
24676I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
24677 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
24678%
24679I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
24680%
24681I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
24682%
24683I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
24684what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
24685%
24686I never saw a purple cow
24687I never hope to see one
24688But I can tell you anyhow
24689I'd rather see than be one.
24690 -- Gellett Burgess
24691
24692I've never seen a purple cow
24693I never hope to see one
24694But from the milk we're getting now
24695There certainly must be one
24696 -- Odgen Nash
24697
24698Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
24699I'm sorry now I wrote it
24700But I can tell you anyhow
24701I'll kill you if you quote it.
24702 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
24703%
24704I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
24705%
24706I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
24707 -- W.C. Fields
24708%
24709I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
24710 -- George Bernard Shaw
24711%
24712I only know what I read in the papers.
24713 -- Will Rogers
24714%
24715"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
24716 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
24717%
24718I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
24719letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
24720words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
24721resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
24722then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
24723that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
24724a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
24725 -- Letters From Colette
24726%
24727I owe, I owe,
24728It's off to work I go...
24729%
24730I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
24731toilet seat.
24732 -- Michael McShane
24733%
24734I owe the public nothing.
24735 -- J. P. Morgan
24736%
24737I own my own body, but I share.
24738%
24739I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
24740the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
24741not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
24742must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
24743in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
24744wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
24745will be happy.
24746 -- Thomas Jefferson
24747%
24748"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
24749kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
24750substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
24751restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
24752made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
24753powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
24754nerve disease."
24755 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
24756%
24757I pledge allegiance to the flag
24758of the United States of America
24759and to the republic for which it stands,
24760one nation,
24761indivisible,
24762with liberty
24763and justice for all.
24764 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
24765%
24766I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
24767 -- S. Wright
24768%
24769I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
24770%
24771I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
24772 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
24773%
24774I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
24775 -- Cicero
24776
24777Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
24778 -- Poor Richard
24779%
24780I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
24781 -- William F. Buckley
24782%
24783I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
24784on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
24785 -- Stephen Wright
24786%
24787I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
24788 -- Stephen Wright
24789%
24790I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
24791tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
24792they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
24793crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
24794These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
24795aspire to crudeness.
24796 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
24797%
24798I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
24799 -- Neil Armstrong
24800%
24801I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
24802parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
24803motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
24804 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
24805 "What's it about?"
24806 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
24807 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
24808 -- Ian Shoales
24809%
24810I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
24811To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
24812%
24813I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
24814 -- Aneurin Bevan
24815%
24816I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
24817the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
24818congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
24819so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
24820plumber.
24821
24822But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
24823as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
24824the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
24825win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
24826write about, such as nose-picking.
24827 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
24828 Political Fallout"
24829%
24830I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
24831Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
24832trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
24833go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
24834that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
24835 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
24836%
24837I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
24838 -- Marilyn Chambers
24839%
24840I really hate this damned machine
24841I wish that they would sell it.
24842It never does quite what I want
24843But only what I tell it.
24844%
24845I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
24846who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
24847something of what has been passing in their time.
24848 -- Harry S. Truman
24849%
24850I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
24851wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
24852flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
24853Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
24854"Cut it out."
24855 -- Stephen Wright
24856%
24857I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
24858reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
24859I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
24860 -- Stephen King
24861%
24862I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
24863believing that some men are my equals.
24864 -- Brigid Brophy
24865%
24866I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
24867%
24868I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
24869morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
24870the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
24871invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
24872the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
24873asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
24874"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
24875that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
24876 -- Alistair Cooke
24877%
24878I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
24879to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
24880and didn't come back for 20 years.
24881%
24882I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
24883kind of loophole.
24884 -- Leo Kessler
24885%
24886I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
24887looks like I'm the only one moving.
24888 -- Steven Wright
24889%
24890I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
24891 -- Wilson Mizner
24892%
24893I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
24894woman should marry -- and no man.
24895 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
24896%
24897I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
24898England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
24899raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
24900New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
24901countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
24902if they don't get it.
24903 -- Mark Twain
24904%
24905"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
24906He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
24907I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
24908And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
24909 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
24910%
24911I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
24912and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
24913%
24914I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
24915'Round and round they sped.
24916I was disturbed at this,
24917I accosted the man,
24918"It is futile," I said.
24919"You can never--"
24920"You lie!" He cried,
24921and ran on.
24922 -- Stephen Crane
24923%
24924I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
24925 -- Stephen Wright
24926%
24927I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
24928never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
24929deserve a series?"
24930%
24931I saw what you did and I know who you are.
24932%
24933I see a bad moon rising.
24934I see trouble on the way.
24935I see earthquakes and lightnin'
24936I see bad times today.
24937Don't go 'round tonight,
24938It's bound to take your life.
24939There's a bad moon on the rise.
24940 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
24941%
24942I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
24943they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
24944 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24945%
24946I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
24947I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
24948Bernoulli would have been content to die
24949Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!
24950 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
24951%
24952I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
24953the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
24954us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
24955 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24956%
24957I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
24958I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
24959The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
24960They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
24961The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
24962"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
24963I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
24964It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
24965But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
24966"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
24967 knocked,
24968I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
24969"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
24970
24971 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
24972 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
24973%
24974I sent a message to another time,
24975But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
24976I sent a message to another plane,
24977Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
24978...
24979I met someone who looks at lot like you,
24980She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
24981She's only programmed to be very nice,
24982But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
24983She tells me that she likes me very much,
24984But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
24985...
24986I realize that it must seem so strange,
24987That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
24988She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
24989She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
24990 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
24991%
24992I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
24993a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
24994in his veins.
24995 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
24996%
24997I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
24998it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
24999he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
25000that matters, but victory.
25001 -- Adolf Hitler
25002%
25003I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
25004 -- graffito in Los Angeles
25005
25006On a clear day,
25007U.C.L.A.
25008 -- graffito in San Francisco
25009
25010There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
25011lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
25012 -- Robert Orben
25013%
25014I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
25015most western countries.
25016 -- George Burns
25017%
25018I smell a wumpus.
25019%
25020I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
25021Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
25022 -- Woody Allen
25023%
25024I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
25025ability.
25026 -- Oscar Wilde
25027%
25028I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
25029 -- Stephen Wright
25030%
25031I steal.
25032 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
25033
25034Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
25035 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
25036%
25037I stick my neck out for nobody.
25038 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
25039%
25040I stood on the leading edge,
25041The eastern seaboard at my feet.
25042"Jump!" said Yoko Ono
25043I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
25044Go on and give it a try,
25045Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
25046 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
25047%
25048I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
25049see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
25050 -- Shirley Temple
25051%
25052I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
25053 -- CP30
25054%
25055I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
25056too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
25057direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
25058much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
25059tub to face is up.
25060 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
25061%
25062I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
25063Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
25064Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
25065That needs a helping hand,
25066Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
25067 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
25068%
25069I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25070country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25071I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25072are worth considering, to wit:
25073
25074[110.13]:
25075 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
25076 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
25077
25078[22.17b]:
25079 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
25080 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
25081 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
25082 on the highway."
25083
25084[41.16]:
25085 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
25086 asking for it."
25087%
25088I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25089country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25090I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25091are worth considering, to wit:
25092
25093[131.16d]:
25094 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
25095 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
25096 a U-turn on a divided highway."
25097
25098[96.7b]:
25099 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
25100 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
25101 traveling more than 60 MPH."
25102
25103[110.13]:
25104 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
25105 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
25106%
25107I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25108country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25109I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25110are worth considering, to wit:
25111
25112[173.15b]:
25113 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
25114 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
25115
25116[141.2a]:
25117 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
25118 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
25119 a 5' parking space."
25120
25121[105.31]:
25122 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
25123 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
25124%
25125I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
25126thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
25127%
25128"I suppose you expect me to talk."
25129"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
25130 -- Goldfinger
25131%
25132I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
25133is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
25134 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
25135%
25136I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
25137pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
25138munchies, and ate the other half.
25139
25140Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
25141bottle stuck up my nose.
25142 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25143%
25144I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
25145and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
25146
25147Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
25148fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
25149"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
25150 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25151%
25152I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
25153the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
25154I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
25155 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25156%
25157I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
25158 -- Escher
25159%
25160I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
25161or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
25162 -- Woody Allen
25163%
25164I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
25165being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
25166sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
25167that I am!
25168 -- Monty Python
25169%
25170"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
25171"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
25172 -- The Life of Brian
25173%
25174I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
25175 -- Shakespeare
25176%
25177I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
25178paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
25179%
25180"I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3
25181because I couldn't remember the proof."
25182 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
25183%
25184I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
25185 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25186%
25187"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
25188%
25189I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
25190desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
25191 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
25192%
25193I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
25194and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
25195country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
25196in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
25197not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
25198 -- Monty Python
25199%
25200I think that I shall never hear
25201A poem lovelier than beer.
25202The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
25203With golden base and snowy cap.
25204The stuff that I can drink all day
25205Until my mem'ry melts away.
25206Poems are made by fools, I fear
25207But only Schlitz can make a beer.
25208%
25209I think that I shall never see
25210A billboard lovely as a tree.
25211Indeed, unless the billboards fall
25212I'll never see a tree at all.
25213 -- Nash
25214%
25215I think that I shall never see
25216A billboard lovely as a tree.
25217Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
25218I'll never see a tree at all.
25219 -- Ogden Nash
25220%
25221I think that I shall never see
25222A thing as lovely as a tree.
25223But as you see the trees have gone
25224They went this morning with the dawn.
25225A logging firm from out of town
25226Came and chopped the trees all down.
25227But I will trick those dirty skunks
25228And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
25229%
25230"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
25231to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
25232farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
25233into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
25234the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
25235off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
25236color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
25237out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
25238singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
25239 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
25240%
25241I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
25242remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
25243 -- Chick
25244%
25245I think the world is run by C students.
25246 -- Al McGuire
25247%
25248I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
25249could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
25250 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
25251%
25252I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
25253I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
25254say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
25255effect."
25256 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25257%
25258I think, therefore I am... I think.
25259%
25260I think there's a world market for about five computers.
25261 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
25262%
25263I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
25264paneling.
25265 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25266%
25267I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
25268 -- T. S. Eliot
25269%
25270I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
25271... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
25272we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
25273When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
25274are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
25275driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
25276Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
25277were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
25278conversation ...
25279 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
25280%
25281I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
25282 -- Firesign Theatre
25283%
25284I think we're in trouble.
25285 -- Han Solo
25286%
25287I think your opinions are reasonable,
25288except for the one about my mental instability.
25289 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
25290%
25291"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
25292"As a programmer, yes," she replied,
25293"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
25294"You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
25295Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
25296They had so much in common, you'd say.
25297They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
25298And prompts that were cute or risque'.
25299He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
25300She sent one from some past high school day,
25301And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
25302If they hadn't met in L.A.
25303"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
25304He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
25305And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
25306If you were not so totally weird!"
25307If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
25308And he had not done just the same,
25309They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
25310And would not have had fun with the game.
25311 -- Judith Schrier,
25312 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail"
25313%
25314I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
25315working for scale.
25316 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
25317%
25318I thought YOU silenced the guard!
25319%
25320"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
25321"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
25322%
25323I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
25324of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
25325It's about Russia.
25326 -- Woody Allen
25327%
25328I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
25329desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
25330the quest.
25331 -- Madeleine Gobeil
25332%
25333I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
25334constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
25335and drown myself in the noise.
25336 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
25337%
25338I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
25339 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
25340%
25341I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
25342 -- Bill Veeck
25343%
25344I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
25345 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
25346%
25347I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
25348The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
25349degrees today," and I said "Oops."
25350
25351In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
25352I never have to go upstairs.
25353
25354I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
25355front of it in only eight minutes.
25356 -- Stephen Wright
25357%
25358I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
25359 -- Carole Wallach.
25360%
25361I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
25362 -- Woodrow Wilson
25363%
25364I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
25365 -- Nam June Paik
25366%
25367I used to be a rebel in my youth.
25368This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
25369Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
25370problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
25371a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
25372I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
25373I feel these days.
25374 -- J. Feiffer
25375%
25376I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
25377%
25378I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
25379 -- Elvis Costello
25380%
25381I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
25382 -- Mae West
25383%
25384I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
25385I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
25386I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
25387With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
25388And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
25389 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
25390 No more, Mr. Clean,
25391 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
25392They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
25393
25394My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
25395Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
25396I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
25397The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
25398And punched me in the nose, he said,
25399(chorus)
25400He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
25401 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
25402%
25403I used to have a drinking problem.
25404Now I love the stuff.
25405%
25406I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
25407to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
25408
25409I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
25410like I'm the only one moving.
25411
25412I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
25413the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
25414to be out that long."
25415
25416I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now
25417my car goes 500 miles an hour.
25418 -- Stephen Wright
25419%
25420I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
25421I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
25422more mature than I am.
25423%
25424I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
25425%
25426I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
25427foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
25428loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
25429 -- Rita Mae Brown
25430%
25431I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
25432my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
25433 -- Emo Phillips
25434%
25435I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
25436the place.
25437 -- Steven Wright
25438%
25439I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
25440don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
25441with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
25442the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
25443in the summer.
25444 -- Brendan Behan
25445%
25446I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
25447%
25448I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
25449 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
25450%
25451"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
25452Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
25453HAW"!!'"
25454 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
25455%
25456I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
25457 -- Zippy the Pinhead
25458%
25459I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
25460 -- Freud
25461%
25462I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
25463%
25464I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
25465endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
25466pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
25467bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
25468excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
25469critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
25470the earth.
25471 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
25472%
25473I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
25474ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
25475 -- Steven Wright
25476%
25477I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
25478anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
25479a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
25480up.
25481 -- Will Rogers
25482%
25483I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
25484Trouble I love and peace I despise
25485Wild horses kicked me in my side
25486Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
25487 -- Bo Diddley
25488%
25489"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
25490put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
25491what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
25492should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
25493get off my driveway."
25494 -- Steven Wright
25495%
25496I was eatin' some chop suey,
25497With a lady in St. Louie,
25498When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
25499And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
25500Roll this rocker out some money,
25501Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
25502 -- Mr. Miggle
25503%
25504I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
25505I said I didn't know.
25506 -- Mark Twain
25507%
25508I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
25509around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
25510I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
25511She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
25512chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
25513you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
25514that all the time..."
25515 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
25516%
25517I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in
25518the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
25519 -- Phyllis Diller
25520%
25521I was in accord with the system so long as it
25522permitted me to function effectively.
25523 -- Albert Speer
25524%
25525I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
25526these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
25527kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
25528I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
25529avoiding the beach.
25530 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
25531%
25532I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
25533lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
25534 -- Steven Wright
25535%
25536I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
25537anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
25538breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really
25539gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
25540works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
25541Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
25542for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
25543two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
25544was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
25545I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
25546 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
25547%
25548I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
25549their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
25550buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
25551 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
25552%
25553I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
25554full house and four people died.
25555 -- Steven Wright
25556%
25557I was the best I ever had.
25558 -- Woody Allen
25559%
25560I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
25561 -- Billy Braver
25562%
25563I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
25564desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
25565because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
25566me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
25567took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
25568%
25569I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
25570 -- Chico Marx
25571%
25572I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
25573in the room alone.
25574%
25575I went home with a waitress,
25576The way I always do.
25577How I was I to know?
25578She was with the Russians too.
25579
25580I was gambling in Havana,
25581I took a little risk.
25582Send lawyers, guns, and money,
25583Dad, get me out of this.
25584 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
25585%
25586"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything
25587specific".
25588 -- Steven Wright
25589%
25590I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
25591If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
25592It's the truth.
25593 -- Charlie Chaplin
25594%
25595I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
25596expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
25597stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
25598the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
25599to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
25600answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
25601showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
25602an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
25603program to the point where it would not run at all.
25604 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
25605 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
25606%
25607I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
25608I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
25609He said "Nothin'."
25610Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
25611As if you just squashed a cop.
25612 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
25613%
25614I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
25615Great song.
25616 -- Fred Reuss
25617%
25618"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
25619questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
25620speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
25621
25622He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
25623for him then.
25624 -- Steven Wright
25625%
25626I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered
25627French toast during the Renaissance.
25628 -- Stephen Wright
25629%
25630I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
25631So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
25632 -- Steven Wright
25633%
25634I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
25635years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
25636would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
25637all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
25638
25639Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
25640been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
25641
25642There was a computer in every doorknob.
25643 -- Danny Hillis
25644%
25645I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
25646I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
25647of a robber.
25648 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
25649%
25650"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
25651the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
25652included."
25653 -- Steven Wright
25654%
25655"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
25656statues that are in all the other museums."
25657 -- Steven Wright
25658%
25659I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
25660it took seven others to beat him!
25661%
25662I will always love the false image I had of you.
25663%
25664I will follow the good side right to the fire,
25665but not into it if I can help it.
25666 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
25667%
25668I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
25669year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
25670Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
25671the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
25672writing on this stone!
25673 -- Charles Dickens
25674%
25675I will make you shorter by the head.
25676 -- Elizabeth I
25677%
25678I will never lie to you.
25679%
25680I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
25681%
25682I will not drink!
25683But if I do...
25684I will not get drunk!
25685But if I do...
25686I will not in public!
25687But if I do...
25688I will not fall down!
25689But if I do...
25690I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
25691%
25692I will not forget you.
25693%
25694I will not play at tug o' war.
25695I'd rather play at hug o' war,
25696Where everyone hugs
25697Instead of tugs,
25698Where everyone giggles
25699And rolls on the rug,
25700Where everyone kisses,
25701And everyone grins,
25702And everyone cuddles,
25703And everyone wins.
25704 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
25705%
25706I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
25707one every day.
25708 -- Heine
25709%
25710I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
25711we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
25712 -- Jack Handey
25713%
25714I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
25715and Superman away.
25716 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25717%
25718I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
25719intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
25720seem to work.
25721 -- Gallagher
25722%
25723I wish you humans would leave me alone.
25724%
25725I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
25726%
25727I woke up a feelin' mean
25728went down to play the slot machine
25729the wheels turned round,
25730and the letters read
25731"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
25732 -- Grateful Dead
25733%
25734I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
25735had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
25736"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
25737replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
25738 -- Steven Wright
25739%
25740"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
25741know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
25742be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
25743I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
25744 -- Bastian B. Bux
25745%
25746I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
25747 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
25748%
25749I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
25750"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
25751 -- Steven Wright
25752%
25753I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
25754but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
25755because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
25756after we've been home a long while.
25757 -- Casey Stengel
25758%
25759I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
25760only they won't let me raise my voice.
25761 -- Winkle
25762%
25763I would have made a good pope.
25764 -- Richard Nixon
25765%
25766I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
25767gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
25768missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
25769 -- Oliver North
25770%
25771I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
25772of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
25773image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
25774forget or do not know.
25775 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
25776
25777 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
25778 referring to image activation and termination.]
25779%
25780I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
25781understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
25782our tasks will be solved.
25783 -- Warren G. Harding
25784%
25785I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
25786with income tax policies.
25787 -- William F. Buckley
25788%
25789I would like to know
25790What I was fencing in
25791And what I was fencing out.
25792 -- Robert Frost
25793%
25794I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going
25795to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind.
25796In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
25797 -- Frank Zappa
25798%
25799I would much rather have men ask why
25800I have no statue, than why I have one.
25801 -- Marcus Procius Cato
25802%
25803I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
25804they're being taped.
25805 -- Richard Nixon
25806
25807I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
25808 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
25809%
25810I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
25811and be above ground than reign among the dead.
25812 -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
25813%
25814I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
25815sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
25816%
25817I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
25818%
25819I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
25820%
25821I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
25822for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
25823 -- Hunter S. Thompson
25824%
25825I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
25826them scream.
25827 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
25828 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
25829%
25830Iam
25831not
25832very
25833happy
25834acting
25835pleased
25836whenever
25837prominent
25838scientists
25839overmagnify
25840intellectual
25841enlightenment
25842%
25843IBM:
25844 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
25845 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
25846 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
25847 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
25848 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
25849 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
25850%
25851IBM:
25852 I've Been Moved
25853 Idiots Become Managers
25854 Idiots Buy More
25855 Impossible to Buy Machine
25856 Incredibly Big Machine
25857 Industry's Biggest Mistake
25858 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
25859 It Boggles the Mind
25860 It's Better Manually
25861 Itty-Bitty Machines
25862%
25863IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
25864who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
25865 -- with regrets to D. Adams
25866%
25867IBM had a PL/I,
25868Its syntax worse than JOSS;
25869And everywhere this language went,
25870It was a total loss.
25871%
25872IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
25873%
25874IBM Pollyanna Principle:
25875 Machines should work. People should think.
25876%
25877IBM's original motto:
25878 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
25879%
25880I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
25881 -- John Denver
25882
25883[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
25884%
25885I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
25886%
25887I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
25888 -- Groucho Marx
25889%
25890I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
25891 -- Princess Leia Organa
25892%
25893I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
25894above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
25895feel it.
25896 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25897%
25898I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
25899%
25900I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
25901whole field to private industry.
25902 -- Joseph Heller
25903%
25904"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
25905to undo it."
25906%
25907"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
25908%
25909"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
25910snore."
25911%
25912"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
25913`Y.'"
25914%
25915"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
25916blender."
25917%
25918"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
25919garage door."
25920%
25921"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
25922Julian to Gregorian."
25923%
25924"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
25925static cling."
25926%
25927"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
25928%
25929"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
25930cottage cheese sculpture."
25931%
25932"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
25933%
25934"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
25935%
25936"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
25937transplant."
25938%
25939"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
25940%
25941"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
25942came back."
25943%
25944"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
25945tuned."
25946%
25947"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
25948need worrying about."
25949%
25950I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
25951 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
25952%
25953I'd never cry if I did find
25954 A blue whale in my soup...
25955Nor would I mind a porcupine
25956 Inside a chicken coop.
25957Yes life is fine when things combine,
25958 Like ham in beef chow mein...
25959But lord, this time I think I mind,
25960 They've put acid in my rain.
25961 --- Milo Bloom
25962%
25963I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
25964 -- Groucho Marx
25965%
25966I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
25967Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
25968 -- Brenda Starr
25969%
25970I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
25971%
25972"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
25973%
25974I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
25975 -- Fred Allen
25976
25977[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
25978%
25979I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
25980 -- W.C. Fields
25981%
25982I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
25983%
25984I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
25985Than cry with the saints,
25986The sinners are much more fun!
25987 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
25988%
25989I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
25990%
25991Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
25992solitary confinement.
25993%
25994Identify your visitor.
25995%
25996Idiot Box, n.:
25997 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
25998stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
25999 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
26000%
26001Idiot, n.:
26002 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
26003affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
26004 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
26005%
26006IDLENESS:
26007 Leisure gone to seed.
26008%
26009Idleness is the holiday of fools.
26010%
26011"If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick
26012and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your
26013shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this",
26014well that would be enough immortality for me."
26015 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
26016%
26017If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
26018 -- Roy Santoro
26019%
26020If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
26021at about 30 miles/second.
26022 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
26023%
26024"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
26025 -- Paul White
26026%
26027If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
26028is a camel's behind.
26029 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
26030%
26031If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
26032%
26033If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
26034work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
26035%
26036If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y
26037is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut.
26038 -- Albert Einstein
26039%
26040If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
26041 -- William Blake
26042%
26043If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
26044there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
26045 -- T. Cheatham
26046%
26047If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
26048really a guru at all?
26049 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
26050%
26051If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
26052is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
26053 -- Joseph C. Goulden
26054%
26055IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
26056is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
26057to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
26058 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
26059%
26060If a listener nods his head when you're
26061explaining your program, wake him up.
26062%
26063If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
26064 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
26065%
26066If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
26067 -- Thomas Wolfe
26068%
26069If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
26070If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
26071%
26072If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
26073he will lose his reverence for all of life.
26074 -- Albert Schweitzer
26075%
26076If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
26077separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
26078it might well prolong his life.
26079 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
26080%
26081If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
26082... it expects what never was and never will be.
26083 -- Thomas Jefferson
26084%
26085If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
26086and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
26087will lose that, too.
26088 -- W. Somerset Maugham
26089%
26090If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
26091and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
26092convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
26093 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
26094%
26095If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
26096%
26097If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
26098The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
26099in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
26100gravity supersedes the law of golf.
26101 -- Donald A. Metz
26102%
26103If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
26104love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
26105 -- Saint Augustine
26106%
26107If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
26108is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
26109only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
26110%
26111If a system is administered wisely,
26112its users will be content.
26113They enjoy hacking their code
26114and don't waste time implementing
26115labor-saving shell scripts.
26116Since they dearly love their accounts,
26117they aren't interested in other machines.
26118There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
26119but these don't access any hosts.
26120There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
26121but nobody ever uses them.
26122People enjoy reading their mail,
26123take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
26124spend weekends working at their terminals,
26125delight in the doings at the site.
26126And even though the next system is so close
26127that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
26128they are content to die of old age
26129without ever having gone to see it.
26130%
26131If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
26132If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
26133game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
26134course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
26135goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
26136 -- Sparky Anderson
26137%
26138If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
26139 -- G. K. Chesterton
26140%
26141If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
26142 -- W.C. Fields
26143%
26144If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
26145%
26146If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
26147to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
26148that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
26149 -- Rob Stampfli
26150%
26151If all be true that I do think,
26152There be five reasons why one should drink;
26153Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
26154Or lest we should be by-and-by,
26155Or any other reason why.
26156%
26157If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
26158 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
26159%
26160If all else fails, lower your standards.
26161%
26162If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
26163%
26164If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
26165platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
26166that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
26167%
26168If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
26169wouldn't be a bit surprised.
26170 -- Dorothy Parker
26171%
26172If all the seas were ink,
26173And all the reeds were pens,
26174And all the skies were parchment,
26175And all the men could write,
26176These would not suffice
26177To write down all the red tape
26178Of this Government.
26179%
26180If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
26181 -- Paul Beatty
26182%
26183If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
26184we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
26185 -- William Baumol
26186%
26187If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
26188and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
26189not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
26190camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even
26191responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
26192collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
26193have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
26194 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
26195 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
26196%
26197If an S and an I and an O and a U
26198With an X at the end spell Su;
26199And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
26200Pray what is a speller to do?
26201Then, if also an S and an I and a G
26202And an HED spell side,
26203There's nothing much left for a speller to do
26204But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
26205 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
26206%
26207If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
26208car he ever lays down in front of.
26209 -- George Wallace
26210%
26211If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
26212let him become president of Harvard.
26213 -- Edward Holyoke
26214%
26215If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
26216We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
26217blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
26218tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
26219%
26220If anything can go wrong, it will.
26221%
26222If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
26223%
26224If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26225%
26226If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
26227%
26228If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
26229%
26230If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
26231%
26232If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit.
26233No use being a damn fool about it.
26234%
26235If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26236 -- W. E. Hickson
26237%
26238If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26239Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
26240 -- W.C. Fields
26241
26242[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
26243%
26244If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
26245%
26246If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
26247 -- Leonard Levinson
26248%
26249If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
26250%
26251If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
26252identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
26253collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
26254I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
26255plentiful as blackberries.
26256 -- Leslie Stephen
26257%
26258If bankers can count, how come they have
26259eight windows and only four tellers?
26260%
26261If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
26262some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
26263 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
26264%
26265If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
26266but illegal purposes.
26267 -- J. Edgar Hoover
26268%
26269If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
26270%
26271If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
26272 -- William Blake
26273%
26274If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
26275Watt's office.
26276 -- Wayne Shannon
26277%
26278If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
26279%
26280If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
26281serve us right.
26282 -- Alistair Cooke
26283%
26284If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
26285%
26286If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
26287deserve to have any.
26288 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in
26289 a driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon
26290 his conviction for sodomy.
26291%
26292If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
26293%
26294If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
26295there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
26296is a fraud.
26297 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
26298%
26299If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
26300do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
26301no middleman.
26302 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
26303%
26304If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
26305him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
26306 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
26307%
26308If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
26309around a deal faster.
26310 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
26311%
26312If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
26313%
26314If everything on the road of life seems to
26315be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
26316%
26317If everything seems to be going well,
26318you have obviously overlooked something.
26319%
26320If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
26321 -- Bertrand Russell
26322%
26323If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
26324%
26325If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
26326is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
26327exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
26328after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
26329exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
26330can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
26331 -- Bill Boquist
26332%
26333If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
26334 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
26335%
26336If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
26337to a can.
26338%
26339If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
26340%
26341If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
26342%
26343If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
26344%
26345If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus
26346would have only had ten disciples.
26347%
26348If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
26349%
26350If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
26351%
26352If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
26353%
26354If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
26355we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
26356%
26357If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
26358%
26359If God had not given us sticky tape,
26360it would have been necessary to invent it.
26361%
26362If God had really intended men to fly,
26363he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
26364 -- George Winters
26365%
26366If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
26367have made them cute and furry.
26368 -- Dave Barry
26369%
26370If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
26371only ten apostles.
26372%
26373If God had wanted you to go around nude,
26374He would have given you bigger hands.
26375%
26376If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
26377He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
26378%
26379If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
26380%
26381If God is One, what is bad?
26382 -- Charles Manson
26383%
26384If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
26385%
26386If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
26387 -- Yiddish saying
26388%
26389If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
26390 -- Marvin Kitman
26391%
26392If God wanted us to have a President,
26393He would have sent us a candidate.
26394 -- Jerry Dreshfield
26395%
26396If graphics hackers are so smart,
26397why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
26398%
26399If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
26400%
26401If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
26402 -- Chinese proverb
26403%
26404If he had only learnt a little less, how
26405infinitely better he might have taught much more!
26406%
26407If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
26408and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
26409think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
26410 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
26411%
26412If he should ever change his faith,
26413it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
26414%
26415"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
26416replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
26417%
26418If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
26419 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
26420%
26421If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
26422 -- Samuel Goldwyn
26423%
26424If I could read your mind, love,
26425What a tale your thoughts could tell,
26426Just like a paperback novel,
26427The kind the drugstore sells,
26428When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
26429The hero would be me,
26430Heroes often fail,
26431You won't read that book again, because
26432 the ending is just too hard to take.
26433
26434I walk away, like a movie star,
26435Who gets burned in a three way script,
26436Enter number two,
26437A movie queen to play the scene
26438Of bringing all the good things out in me,
26439But for now, love, let's be real
26440I never thought I could act this way,
26441And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
26442I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
26443And I just can't get it back...
26444 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
26445%
26446If I could stick my pen in my heart,
26447I would spill it all over the stage.
26448Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
26449Would you think the boy was strange?
26450Ain't he strange?
26451...
26452If I could stick a knife in my heart,
26453Suicide right on the stage,
26454Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
26455Would it help to ease the pain?
26456Ease your brain?
26457 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
26458%
26459If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
26460 -- Danno Coppock
26461%
26462If I don't drive around the park,
26463I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
26464If I'm in bed each night by ten,
26465I may get back my looks again.
26466If I abstain from fun and such,
26467I'll probably amount to much;
26468But I shall stay the way I am,
26469Because I do not give a damn.
26470 -- Dorothy Parker
26471%
26472If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
26473%
26474If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
26475Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
26476as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
26477you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
26478 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
26479%
26480If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
26481%
26482IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
26483got to be a better way.
26484 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
26485%
26486If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
26487I'd sell the plantation and go home.
26488 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
26489%
26490If I had any humility I would be perfect.
26491 -- Ted Turner
26492%
26493If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
26494a laboratory jar at Harvard.
26495 -- Frank Sinatra
26496
26497AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
26498 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
26499%
26500If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
26501would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
26502trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
26503I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
26504travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
26505You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
26506and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
26507if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
26508have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
26509years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
26510without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
26511If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
26512lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
26513earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
26514more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
26515ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
26516%
26517If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
26518 -- Albert Einstein
26519%
26520If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
26521 -- Tallulah Bankhead
26522%
26523If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
26524%
26525If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
26526shoulders of giants.
26527 -- Isaac Newton
26528
26529In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
26530the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
26531 -- Gerald Holton
26532
26533If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
26534my shoulders.
26535 -- Hal Abelson
26536
26537Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
26538 -- Gauss
26539
26540Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
26541stand on each other's toes.
26542 -- Richard Hamming
26543
26544It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
26545this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
26546software engineers dig each other's graves.
26547 -- Unknown
26548%
26549If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
26550shoulders of giants.
26551 -- Isaac Newton
26552
26553In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
26554with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
26555 -- Gerald Holton
26556
26557If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
26558on my shoulders.
26559 -- Hal Abelson
26560
26561In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
26562 -- Brian K. Reid
26563%
26564If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
26565 -- Bob Hope
26566%
26567If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
26568I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
26569 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
26570%
26571If I love you, what business is it of yours?
26572 -- Johann van Goethe
26573%
26574If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
26575just couldn't help myself.
26576 -- Adolf Hitler
26577%
26578If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
26579 -- Alan Parsons Project
26580%
26581If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
26582I'm an engineer working on something.
26583 -- S. R. McElroy
26584%
26585If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
26586%
26587If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
26588As Dame Fortune did intend,
26589Murphy would be there to tell me
26590The pot's at the other end.
26591 -- Bert Whitney
26592%
26593If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
26594%
26595If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
26596work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
26597 -- Douglas Jerrold
26598%
26599If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
26600because I can't swim.
26601 -- Bob Stanfield
26602%
26603If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
26604I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
26605 -- G. Hirst
26606%
26607If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
26608%
26609If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
26610 -- Jerry Muscha
26611%
26612If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
26613answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
26614%
26615If in doubt, mumble.
26616%
26617If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
26618%
26619If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
26620%
26621If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
26622 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
26623%
26624If it happens once, it's a bug.
26625If it happens twice, it's a feature.
26626If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
26627%
26628If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
26629%
26630If it heals good, say it.
26631%
26632If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
26633answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
26634 -- Samuel Clemens
26635%
26636If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
26637%
26638If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
26639it's physics.
26640%
26641If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
26642 -- Ronald Reagan
26643%
26644If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
26645%
26646If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
26647%
26648If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
26649%
26650If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
26651 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
26652%
26653If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
26654I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
26655the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
26656forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
26657of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
26658 -- James Dickey
26659%
26660If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
26661%
26662If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
26663%
26664If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
26665%
26666If it's worth doing, do it for money.
26667%
26668If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
26669%
26670If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
26671%
26672If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
26673They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
26674fun of it.
26675 -- Thomas Carlyle
26676%
26677If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
26678send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
26679other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
26680of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
26681they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
26682they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
26683them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
26684 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
26685%
26686If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
26687had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
26688 -- Karl Marx's Mother
26689%
26690If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
26691%
26692If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
26693%
26694If life is merely a joke, the question
26695still remains: for whose amusement?
26696%
26697If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
26698%
26699If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
26700 -- Tom Robbins
26701%
26702If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
26703you've got in the house.
26704 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
26705%
26706If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
26707 -- Lily Tomlin
26708%
26709If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
26710 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
26711%
26712If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
26713 -- Phil Lapsley
26714%
26715If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
26716%
26717If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
26718 -- Mary Wilson Little
26719%
26720If mathematically you end up with the wrong
26721answer, try multiplying by the page number.
26722%
26723If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
26724be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
26725 -- Frances Rodman
26726%
26727If men are not afraid to die,
26728it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
26729
26730If men live in constant fear of dying,
26731And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
26732Who will dare to break the law?
26733
26734There is always an official executioner.
26735If you try to take his place,
26736It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
26737If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
26738 you will only hurt your hand.
26739 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
26740%
26741If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
26742%
26743If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
26744be a merrier world.
26745 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
26746%
26747If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
26748of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
26749and from that to incivility and procrastination.
26750 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
26751%
26752If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
26753over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
26754 -- Oscar Wilde
26755%
26756If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
26757of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
26758in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
26759far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
26760various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
26761it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
26762connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
26763get an unfair advantage.
26764 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
26765%
26766If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
26767 -- A. Einstein.
26768%
26769If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
26770 -- Oscar Wilde,
26771 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
26772%
26773If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
26774 -- Woody Allen
26775%
26776If only God would give me some clear sign!
26777Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
26778 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
26779%
26780If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
26781%
26782If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
26783%
26784If only you knew she loved you, you could
26785face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
26786%
26787If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
26788%
26789If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
26790 -- George Bernard Shaw
26791%
26792If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
26793he should see how bad it is with representation.
26794%
26795If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
26796then we are a sorry lot indeed.
26797 -- Albert Einstein
26798%
26799If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
26800there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
26801 -- Doug Larson
26802%
26803If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
26804 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
26805
26806[What brand of ink? Ed.]
26807%
26808If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
26809will take sandwiches.
26810 -- Lord Boyd-orr
26811
26812Eats first, morals after.
26813 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
26814%
26815If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
26816I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
26817 -- Hermann Goering
26818%
26819If people see that you mean them no harm,
26820they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
26821%
26822If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
26823%
26824If preceded by a '-' , the timezone shall be east of the Prime
26825Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
26826an optional preceding '+' ).
26827 -- POSIX 2001
26828
26829The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
26830(i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
26831 -- RFC 2822
26832%
26833If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
26834 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
26835%
26836If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
26837%
26838If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
26839%
26840If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
26841%
26842If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
26843 -- Tom Wicker
26844%
26845If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
26846
26847Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
26848Eating components of soured milk.
26849On at least one occasion,
26850 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
26851Or at least in her vicinity,
26852And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
26853Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
26854 -- Ann Melugin Williams
26855%
26856If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
26857pool cues, who would win?
26858 1) Ricky Schroder
26859 2) Gary Coleman
26860 3) The television viewing public
26861 -- David Letterman
26862%
26863If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
26864 -- James Nicoll
26865%
26866If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
26867arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
26868world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
26869the use of the mathematics of probability.
26870 -- Vannevar Bush
26871%
26872If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
26873books on how to?
26874 -- Bette Midler
26875%
26876If she had not been cupric in her ions,
26877Her shape ovoidal,
26878Their romance might have flourished.
26879But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
26880His ions ferric,
26881Love could not help but die,
26882Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
26883%
26884If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
26885 -- Robert Frost
26886%
26887If some people didn't tell you,
26888you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
26889%
26890If someone had told me I would be Pope
26891one day, I would have studied harder.
26892 -- Pope John Paul I
26893%
26894If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
26895%
26896If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
26897ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
26898%
26899If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
26900way they do?
26901%
26902"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
26903 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
26904%
26905If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
26906presumably flunk it.
26907 -- Stanley Garn
26908%
26909If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
26910and never be our destiny.
26911 -- Rene de Visme Williamson
26912%
26913If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
26914Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
26915and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
26916 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
26917%
26918If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
26919this would be a better world.
26920 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
26921%
26922If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
26923 -- Norm Schryer
26924%
26925If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
26926the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
26927college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
26928method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
26929learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
26930be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
26931young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
26932I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
26933by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
26934instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
26935attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
26936not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
26937put on a professor.
26938 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
26939%
26940If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
26941steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
26942principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
26943feature, that.
26944 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
26945%
26946If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
26947 -- Robert Moses
26948%
26949If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
26950would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
26951 -- Doug Larson
26952
26953[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
26954%
26955If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
26956 -- Albert Einstein
26957%
26958If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
26959mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
26960%
26961If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
26962Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
26963%
26964If the government doesn't trust the people, why
26965doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
26966%
26967If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
26968consider what may be fertilizing it.
26969%
26970If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
26971we would be so simple we couldn't.
26972%
26973"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
26974me!"
26975 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
26976%
26977If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
26978I would have recommended something simpler.
26979 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
26980 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
26981%
26982If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
26983the lives of both have been wasted.
26984%
26985If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
26986then this sentence would not be false.
26987%
26988If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
26989goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
26990 -- Frank Zappa
26991%
26992If the odds are a million to one against something
26993occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
26994%
26995If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
26996 -- Anatole France
26997%
26998If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
26999what a living the poor could make!
27000%
27001If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
27002%
27003If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
27004the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
27005 -- Chris Torek
27006%
27007If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
27008%
27009If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
27010Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
27011on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
27012paper folding, or something.
27013 -- C. Philip Wood
27014%
27015If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
27016 -- Chief Dan George
27017%
27018If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
27019If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
27020If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
27021church attendance will exceed all expectations.
27022 -- Reverend Chichester
27023%
27024If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
27025%
27026If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
27027will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
27028%
27029If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
27030of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
27031of this life.
27032 -- Albert Camus
27033%
27034If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
27035 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
27036%
27037If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
27038can't afford divorce.
27039 -- Jack Nicholson
27040%
27041If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
27042 -- Art Hoppe
27043%
27044If there is no wind, row.
27045 -- Polish proverb
27046%
27047If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
27048have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
27049 -- Saul Goodman
27050%
27051If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
27052%
27053If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
27054years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
27055school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
27056 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
27057%
27058If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
27059something out of you.
27060 -- Muhammad Ali
27061%
27062If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
27063%
27064If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
27065go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
27066days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
27067to crudeness...
27068 -- Johnny Mnemonic
27069%
27070If they were so inclined, they could impeach
27071him because they don't like his necktie.
27072 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
27073%
27074If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
27075%
27076If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
27077%
27078If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
27079It's not time yet.
27080%
27081If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
27082%
27083If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
27084yesterday?
27085%
27086If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
27087 -- Lily Tomlin
27088%
27089If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
27090doing the thinking.
27091 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27092
27093Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
27094helmet off.
27095 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27096
27097I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
27098itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
27099 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27100%
27101If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
27102 -- Ernest Hemingway
27103%
27104If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
27105 -- Laurence J. Peter
27106%
27107"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
27108%
27109If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
27110If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
27111%
27112If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
27113%
27114If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
27115 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
27116%
27117If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
27118all be millionaires.
27119 -- Abigail Van Buren
27120%
27121If we do not change our direction we are
27122likely to end up where we are headed.
27123%
27124If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
27125 -- John Sinclair
27126%
27127If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
27128of it.
27129 -- Oscar Wilde
27130%
27131"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
27132findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
27133 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
27134 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
27135 crimes.
27136%
27137If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
27138It's the light of an oncoming train.
27139 -- Robert Lowell
27140%
27141If we spoke a different language, we
27142would perceive a somewhat different world.
27143 -- Wittgenstein
27144%
27145If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
27146we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
27147 -- Samuel Adams
27148%
27149"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
27150%
27151If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
27152with alarm clocks.
27153%
27154If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
27155%
27156If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
27157do something else.
27158 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
27159%
27160If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
27161in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
27162qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
27163 -- Marguerite Emmons
27164%
27165If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
27166%
27167If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
27168beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
27169lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
27170women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
27171 -- Gloria Steinham
27172%
27173If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
27174 -- Aristotle Onassis
27175%
27176"If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer.
27177Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter
27178than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is."
27179 -- Andrew Plotkin
27180%
27181If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
27182Quit work and play for once!
27183%
27184If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
27185 -- Arthur Miller
27186%
27187If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
27188 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
27189%
27190If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
27191 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
27192 crazy.
27193%
27194If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
27195 -- Anton Chekov
27196%
27197If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
27198%
27199If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
27200good, you will get out of it.
27201%
27202If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
27203your honesty is corrupt.
27204%
27205If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
27206longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
27207 -- Abigail Van Buren
27208%
27209If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
27210If you are for yourself, then what are you?
27211If not now, when?
27212%
27213If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
27214evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
27215words.
27216 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
27217%
27218If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
27219by your parents, we will cash your check.
27220%
27221If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
27222over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
27223 -- Walter Hagen
27224%
27225If you are smart enough to know that you're not
27226smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
27227%
27228If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
27229%
27230If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
27231%
27232If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
27233 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
27234%
27235If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
27236 -- J. Paul Getty
27237%
27238If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
27239theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
27240%
27241If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
27242%
27243If you can read this, you're too close.
27244%
27245If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
27246%
27247If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
27248 -- Harry S. Truman
27249%
27250If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
27251what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
27252 -- Edwim Schrodinger
27253%
27254If you can't be good, be careful.
27255If you can't be careful, give me a call.
27256%
27257If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
27258%
27259If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
27260%
27261If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
27262%
27263If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
27264 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
27265%
27266If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
27267%
27268If you catch a man, throw him back.
27269 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
27270%
27271If you continually give you will continually have.
27272%
27273If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
27274accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
27275%
27276If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
27277%
27278If you didn't have most of your friends,
27279you wouldn't have most of your problems.
27280%
27281If you didn't have to work so hard,
27282you'd have more time to be depressed.
27283%
27284If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
27285 -- John Galsworthy
27286%
27287If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
27288it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
27289 -- Carlyle
27290%
27291If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
27292%
27293If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
27294%
27295If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
27296in the Bible.
27297 -- Mordecai Richler
27298%
27299If you don't do it, you'll never know what
27300would have happened if you had done it.
27301%
27302If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
27303%
27304If you don't drink it, someone else will.
27305%
27306If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
27307 -- Clarence Day
27308%
27309If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
27310 -- Freeman Dyson
27311%
27312If you don't have the time right now,
27313will you have redo right time later?
27314%
27315If you don't have time to do it right, where
27316are you going to find the time to do it over?
27317%
27318If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
27319%
27320If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
27321%
27322If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
27323 -- Calvin Coolidge
27324%
27325If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
27326 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
27327%
27328"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
27329Lavoris in the toilet."
27330 -- Jay Leno
27331%
27332If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
27333%
27334If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
27335either of you for the rest of the day.
27336%
27337"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
27338have to get a toehold in the public eye."
27339%
27340If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
27341an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
27342it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
27343will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
27344it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
27345around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
27346carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
27347raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
27348what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
27349properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
27350gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
27351numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
27352you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
27353over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
27354was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
27355network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
27356software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
27357number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
27358in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
27359get my drift.
27360%
27361If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
27362will.
27363%
27364If you explain something so clearly that no
27365one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
27366%
27367If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
27368%
27369If you find a solution and become attached to it,
27370the solution may become your next problem.
27371%
27372If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
27373%
27374If you float on instinct alone, how can you
27375calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
27376 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
27377%
27378If you fool around with something long
27379enough, it will eventually break.
27380%
27381If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
27382%
27383If you give Congress a chance to vote on
27384both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
27385 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
27386%
27387If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
27388all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
27389 -- Winston Churchill
27390%
27391If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
27392so as not to disturb those around you.
27393%
27394If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
27395all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
27396swimming.
27397 -- Jack Handey
27398%
27399If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
27400%
27401If you had better tools, you could more
27402effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
27403%
27404If you had just one moment to live
27405And they granted you one special wish
27406Would you ask for something
27407Like another chance.
27408 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
27409%
27410If you hands are clean and your cause is just
27411and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
27412%
27413If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
27414%
27415If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
27416 -- Bette Davis
27417%
27418If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
27419%
27420If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
27421new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
27422does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
27423make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
27424The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
27425you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
27426will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
27427cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
27428dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
27429of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
27430straight.
27431 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
27432%
27433If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
27434 -- Spiro Agnew
27435%
27436If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
27437%
27438If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
27439 -- Louis Armstrong
27440%
27441If you have to hate, hate gently.
27442%
27443If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
27444%
27445If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
27446in chartered accountancy beckons.
27447 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
27448 Systems course.
27449%
27450If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
27451hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
27452 -- Neil Bogart
27453%
27454If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
27455yourself in the posterior.
27456 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
27457%
27458If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
27459%
27460If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
27461rubbish into it.
27462 -- William Orton
27463%
27464If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
27465%
27466If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
27467 -- Petersen Nesbit
27468%
27469If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
27470 -- Mark Twain
27471%
27472If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
27473you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
27474 -- David Letterman
27475%
27476If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
27477365 useless things.
27478%
27479If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
27480%
27481If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
27482 -- Graham Summer
27483%
27484If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
27485 -- Simone De Beauvoir
27486%
27487If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
27488because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
27489 -- George Burns
27490%
27491If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
27492and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
27493 -- Garrison Keillor
27494%
27495If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
27496 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
27497%
27498If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
27499If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
27500%
27501If you lose a son you can always get another,
27502but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
27503 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
27504%
27505If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
27506he'll get rich or famous or both.
27507%
27508If you love someone, set them free.
27509If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
27510%
27511If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
27512come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
27513%
27514If you make a mistake you right it
27515immediately to the best of your ability.
27516%
27517If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
27518with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
27519 -- The Best of Will Rogers
27520%
27521If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
27522but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
27523%
27524If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
27525be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
27526 -- Ann Landers
27527%
27528If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
27529in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
27530%
27531If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
27532 -- Schmidt
27533%
27534If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
27535Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
27536%
27537If you need anything just whistle.
27538You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
27539Just put your lips together and blow.
27540 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
27541%
27542If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
27543they must not be deceiving you very well.
27544%
27545If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
27546 -- Maslow
27547%
27548If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
27549can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
27550develop.
27551%
27552If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
27553you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
27554 -- Mark Twain
27555%
27556If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
27557you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
27558ice, but no cup.
27559%
27560If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
27561this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
27562somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
27563%
27564If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
27565%
27566If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
27567But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
27568is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
27569 -- Pierre Gallois
27570%
27571If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
27572restaurant.
27573 -- Snoopy
27574%
27575If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
27576Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
27577something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
27578they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
27579they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
27580if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
27581-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
27582 -- Hermann Goering
27583%
27584If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
27585%
27586If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
27587%
27588If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
27589deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
27590are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
27591%
27592If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
27593%
27594If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
27595But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
27596 -- Swami Prabhupada
27597%
27598If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
27599the sucker.
27600%
27601If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
27602%
27603If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
27604%
27605If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
27606many it's research.
27607 -- Wilson Mizner
27608%
27609If you stew apples like cranberries,
27610they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
27611 -- Groucho Marx
27612%
27613If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
27614It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
27615Or some joker who is slicker,
27616Will trick you of your liquor,
27617If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
27618%
27619If you stick your head in the sand,
27620one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
27621%
27622If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
27623%
27624If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
27625schizophrenia.
27626 -- Thomas Szasz
27627%
27628If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
27629then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
27630harm.
27631%
27632If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
27633 -- Mark Twain
27634%
27635If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
27636%
27637If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
27638 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
27639%
27640If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
27641wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
27642%
27643If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
27644try missing a couple of car payments.
27645 -- Earl Wilson
27646%
27647If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
27648don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
27649 -- Bruce Schneier
27650%
27651If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
27652someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
27653your Bic.
27654%
27655If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
27656 -- Arthur Kasspe
27657%
27658If you think the system is working,
27659ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
27660%
27661If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
27662shopping center in the world?
27663 -- Richard M. Nixon
27664%
27665If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
27666lack sufficient imagination.
27667%
27668If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
27669to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
27670say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party
27671next year.
27672 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
27673 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
27674they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
27675to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
27676parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
27677another one ...
27678 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
27679unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
27680through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
27681they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
27682your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
27683 -- Dave Barry
27684%
27685If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
27686them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
27687 -- Mr. Interesting
27688%
27689If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
27690end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
27691 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
27692%
27693If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
27694and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
27695 -- Dorothy Parker
27696%
27697If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
27698 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
27699%
27700If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
27701%
27702"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
27703 -- A. L.
27704%
27705If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
27706done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
27707%
27708If you want divine justice, die.
27709 -- Nick Seldon
27710%
27711If you want me to be a good little bunny
27712just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
27713 -- Lauren Bacall
27714%
27715If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
27716 -- Michelet
27717%
27718If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
27719read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
27720 -- Don Marquis
27721%
27722If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
27723%
27724If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
27725he gave it to.
27726 -- Dorothy Parker
27727%
27728If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
27729 -- Woody Allen
27730%
27731If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
27732%
27733If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
27734books.
27735 -- Alan King
27736%
27737If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
27738 -- Harry Blackstone
27739%
27740If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
27741Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
27742Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
27743containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
27744the word "National".
27745 -- George Will
27746%
27747If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
27748you say, talk in your sleep.
27749%
27750"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
27751memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
27752even if they don't know what it means."
27753 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
27754%
27755If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
27756%
27757If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
27758fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
27759heartbeats.
27760%
27761If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
27762If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
27763If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
27764If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
27765 -- Chinese Proverb
27766%
27767If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
27768%
27769If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
27770%
27771If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
27772boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
27773 -- Anton Chekov
27774%
27775If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
27776If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
27777 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
27778If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
27779If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
27780 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
27781 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
27782If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
27783 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
27784 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
27785 why.
27786%
27787If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
27788%
27789If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
27790 -- Ben Franklin
27791%
27792If you would understand your own age, read the works
27793of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
27794%
27795If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
27796Bed down with a pretty girl.
27797Amor vincit omnia.
27798%
27799If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
27800%
27801If your bread is stale, make toast.
27802%
27803If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
27804If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
27805 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
27806%
27807If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
27808I guess you do have a problem.
27809 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
27810%
27811If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
27812%
27813If your mother knew what you're doing,
27814she'd probably hang her head and cry.
27815%
27816If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
27817%
27818If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
27819longer be fantasies.
27820 -- Fran Lebowitz
27821%
27822If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a
27823piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
27824 -- W.C. Fields
27825%
27826If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
27827embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
27828 -- Jack Handey
27829%
27830If you're careful enough, nothing
27831bad or good will ever happen to you.
27832%
27833If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
27834The Olympics are over.
27835%
27836If you're constantly being mistreated,
27837you're cooperating with the treatment.
27838%
27839If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
27840strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
27841together yet.
27842 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
27843%
27844If you're going to America, bring your own food.
27845 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
27846%
27847If you're going to do something tonight
27848that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
27849 -- Henny Youngman
27850%
27851If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
27852%
27853If you're happy, you're successful.
27854%
27855If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
27856%
27857If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
27858 -- Benjamin Disraeli
27859%
27860If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
27861%
27862If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
27863As well as by traffic and crime,
27864Consider how worry-free gophers are,
27865Though living on burrowed time.
27866 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
27867%
27868If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
27869off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
27870 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
27871%
27872If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
27873 -- Ronald Reagan
27874%
27875ignisecond, n:
27876 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
27877 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
27878 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
27879%
27880Ignorance is bliss.
27881 -- Thomas Gray
27882
27883Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
27884 BLISS is ignorance.
27885%
27886Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
27887rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
27888 -- Franklin K. Dane
27889%
27890Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
27891%
27892Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
27893so resolutely pursuing it.
27894%
27895Ignore previous fortune.
27896%
27897Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
27898 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
27899Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
27900 Et le m^omerade horgrave.
27901 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
27902%
27903Iles's Law:
27904 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
27905at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
27906Neither will Iles.
27907%
27908I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
27909 -- Lenny Bruce
27910%
27911I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
27912%
27913I'll burn my books.
27914 -- Christopher Marlowe
27915%
27916"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
27917carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
27918I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
27919 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
27920%
27921I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
27922listen to it!
27923 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
27924%
27925I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
27926in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
27927 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
27928%
27929I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
27930Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
27931And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
27932And in our bound partition never part.
27933 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
27934%
27935I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
27936I play just what I feel.
27937Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
27938And die behind the wheel.
27939They got a name for the winners in the world,
27940I want a name when I lose.
27941They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
27942Call me Deacon Blues.
27943 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
27944%
27945I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
27946 -- Pink Floyd
27947%
27948I'll never get off this planet.
27949 -- Luke Skywalker
27950%
27951I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
27952%
27953"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
27954That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
27955 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
27956%
27957I'll turn over a new leaf.
27958 -- Miguel de Cervantes
27959%
27960Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
27961any Indian.
27962 -- Robert Orben
27963
27964Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
27965 -- Jack Paar
27966%
27967Illegitimi non carborundum
27968(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
27969%
27970Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
27971it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
27972%
27973Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
27974%
27975Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
27976 -- Voltaire
27977%
27978I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
27979that I could have evolved from man.
27980%
27981"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
27982 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
27983 the idea of a doomsday machine.
27984"I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
27985 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
27986 Ellen up a steep incline.
27987"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
27988 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
27989"I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
27990 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
27991 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
27992"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
27993 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
27994"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
27995 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
27996 that Kirk talked strangely.
27997"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
27998 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
27999 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
28000"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
28001 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
28002 physical exam to answer the alert.
28003%
28004I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
28005a sports jacket and take off my brain.
28006%
28007I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
28008%
28009I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
28010 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
28011 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
28012%
28013I'm all for computer dating, but I
28014wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
28015%
28016I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
28017eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
28018 -- A. Lyman Chapin
28019%
28020I'm always looking for a new idea that
28021will be more productive than its cost.
28022 -- David Rockefeller
28023%
28024I'm an artist.
28025But it's not what I really want to do.
28026What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
28027I know what you're going to say --
28028"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
28029All right! But it's what I want to do.
28030Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
28031
28032The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
28033 -- J. Feiffer
28034%
28035I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
28036that I could have been created by man.
28037%
28038"I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!"
28039 -- Zippy the Pinhead
28040%
28041I'm changing my name to Chrysler
28042I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
28043I'll tell some power broker
28044 What they did for Iacocca
28045Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
28046I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
28047I'm heading for that great receiving line.
28048When they hand a million grand out,
28049 I'll be standing with my hand out,
28050Yessir, I'll get mine!
28051 -- Tom Paxton
28052%
28053I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
28054%
28055I'm dying beyond my means.
28056 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
28057%
28058"I'm dying," he croaked.
28059"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
28060"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
28061"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
28062"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
28063"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
28064"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
28065"You snake," she rattled.
28066"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
28067"Company's coming," she guessed.
28068"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
28069"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
28070"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
28071"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
28072"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
28073 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
28074%
28075I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
28076 -- George McGovern
28077%
28078I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
28079 -- Gore Vidal
28080%
28081I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've
28082just had a good war.
28083 -- Mae West
28084%
28085I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
28086%
28087I'm glad I was not born before tea.
28088 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
28089%
28090I'm glad that I'm an American,
28091I'm glad that I am free,
28092But I wish I were a little doggy,
28093And McGovern were a tree.
28094%
28095I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
28096every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
28097it with you.
28098
28099> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
28100 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
28101> And in LA it's 72.
28102
28103> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
28104 is a million percent.
28105> And in LA it's 72.
28106
28107> In New York there are a million interesting people.
28108> And in LA there are 72.
28109%
28110I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
28111 -- Fred Allen
28112%
28113I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
28114 -- Woody Allen
28115%
28116I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
28117 -- Spider Robinson
28118%
28119I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
28120 -- John Foreman
28121%
28122I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
28123says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
28124 -- Bob Hope
28125%
28126I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
28127%
28128"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
28129 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
28130%
28131I'm just as sad as sad can be!
28132 I've missed your special date.
28133Please say that you're not mad at me
28134 My tax return is late.
28135 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
28136%
28137I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
28138living apart.
28139 -- E.E. Cummings
28140%
28141I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
28142N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
28143I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
28144She's traversed me seven times before.
28145And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
28146Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
28147I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
28148N-ary the tree I am, I am,
28149N-ary the tree I am.
28150 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
28151%
28152I'm not a lovable man.
28153 -- Richard Nixon.
28154%
28155I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
28156with twenty-eight years ago.
28157 -- Will Rogers
28158%
28159I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
28160match the men.
28161 -- George Eliot
28162%
28163I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
28164 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
28165%
28166I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
28167%
28168I'm not offering myself as an example;
28169every life evolves by its own laws.
28170%
28171I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
28172%
28173I'm not proud.
28174%
28175"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
28176%
28177I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
28178 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
28179%
28180I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
28181%
28182I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
28183that good.
28184 -- Amy Gorin
28185%
28186I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
28187that some thinkle peep I am.
28188It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
28189%
28190I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
28191gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
28192and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
28193to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
28194yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
28195really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
28196what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
28197okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
28198 -- Carl Sagan
28199%
28200I'm prepared for all emergencies but
28201totally unprepared for everyday life.
28202%
28203I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
28204-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
28205 -- Arthur Godfrey
28206%
28207I'm rated PG-34!!
28208%
28209I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
28210Let's not talk again REAL soon...
28211%
28212"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
28213(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
28214 -- English Professor, Providence College
28215%
28216I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
28217%
28218I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
28219%
28220"I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
28221coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
28222you being a dumbass."
28223 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
28224%
28225I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
28226%
28227I'm sorry I missed.
28228 -- Squeaky Fromme
28229%
28230I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
28231%
28232I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
28233%
28234I'm successful because I'm lucky.
28235The harder I work, the luckier I get.
28236%
28237"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
28238a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
28239 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under
28240my arm."
28241%
28242I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
28243I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
28244In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
28245I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
28246 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
28247%
28248I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
28249like pigeons and Catholics.
28250 -- Woody Allen
28251%
28252"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
28253lives"
28254%
28255Imagination is more important than knowledge.
28256 -- A. Einstein
28257%
28258Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
28259 -- Jules de Gaultier
28260%
28261"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
28262usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
28263thinks of complaining."
28264 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
28265%
28266Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
28267It would mean political ruin.
28268 -- Adolf Hitler
28269%
28270Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
28271a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
28272storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
28273voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
28274What's the first question that the computer community asks?
28275
28276"Is it PC compatible?"
28277%
28278Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
28279 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
28280%
28281Imagine what we can imagine!
28282 -- Arthur Rubinstein
28283%
28284Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
28285 -- Genji
28286%
28287Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
28288 In order for something to become clean, something else must
28289 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
28290 anything clean.
28291%
28292Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
28293 -- Fred Allen
28294%
28295Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
28296%
28297Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
28298%
28299Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
28300 -- Lionel Trilling
28301%
28302Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
28303 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
28304%
28305Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
28306 -- Edgar A. Shoaff
28307%
28308Immutability, Three Rules of:
28309 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
28310 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
28311 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
28312%
28313Impartial, adj.:
28314 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
28315 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
28316 conflicting opinions.
28317 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28318%
28319Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
28320mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
28321Boss is reading it.
28322%
28323Impossible, adj.:
28324 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
28325(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may
28326perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
28327 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
28328%
28329In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
28330waffles.
28331%
28332In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
28333get parts.
28334%
28335In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
28336creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
28337%
28338In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
28339syrup.
28340%
28341In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
28342in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
28343revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
28344behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
28345shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
28346
28347It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
28348ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
28349%
28350In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
28351dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
28352more to its liking.
28353
28354In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
28355Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
28356liking.
28357%
28358In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
28359%
28360In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
28361an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
28362%
28363In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
28364the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
28365%
28366In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
28367by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
28368has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
28369 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
28370%
28371In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
28372humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
28373anyway.
28374 -- The 5th Wave
28375%
28376In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
28377Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
28378%
28379In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
28380placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
28381%
28382In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
28383other really likes.
28384 -- Elizabeth Ashley
28385%
28386In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
28387in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
28388to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
28389have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
28390 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
28391%
28392In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
28393Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
28394 -- Frank Mankiewicz
28395%
28396In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
28397"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
28398 -- Mark Twain
28399%
28400In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
28401of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
28402because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
28403person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
28404superior to Tops10.
28405%
28406In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
28407taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
28408%
28409In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
28410with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
28411this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
28412%
28413In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
28414of the risks he takes.
28415 -- Adlai Stevenson
28416%
28417In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
28418sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
28419those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
28420devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
28421as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
28422 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
28423%
28424In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
28425be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
28426beloved.
28427 -- Russell Baker
28428%
28429In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
28430%
28431In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
28432incompetency
28433 -- The Peter Principle
28434%
28435In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
28436sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
28437 -- Idi Amin Dada
28438%
28439In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
28440are to be treated as variables.
28441%
28442In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
28443the answer may be obtained by inspection.
28444%
28445In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
28446it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
28447 -- Stuart Keate
28448%
28449In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
28450%
28451IN BOX:
28452 A catch basin for everything you don't want
28453 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
28454%
28455In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
28456the cows are known sluts.
28457 -- Johnny Carson
28458%
28459In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
28460made the World Series just something that came later.
28461 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
28462%
28463In buying horses and taking a wife
28464shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
28465%
28466In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
28467thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
28468teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
28469said, "up to the mathematicians."
28470 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
28471%
28472In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
28473it into television shows.
28474 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
28475%
28476In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
28477%
28478In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
28479against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
28480%
28481In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
28482 -- The Kidner Report
28483%
28484In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
28485%
28486In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
28487He'll kiss it and make it better.
28488%
28489In charity there is no excess.
28490 -- Francis Bacon
28491%
28492In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
28493husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
28494be free of subjugation.
28495 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
28496%
28497In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
28498This is called Monotony.
28499%
28500In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
28501a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
28502to get her attention.
28503%
28504In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
28505%
28506In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
28507in any motor vehicle.
28508%
28509In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
28510 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
28511%
28512In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
28513neighbor.
28514%
28515In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
28516%
28517In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
28518resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
28519inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
28520 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28521%
28522In dwelling, be close to the land.
28523In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
28524In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
28525In speech, be true.
28526In work, be competent.
28527In action, be careful of your timing.
28528 -- Lao Tsu
28529%
28530In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
28531programming languages.
28532%
28533In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
28534 -- Thomas Jefferson
28535%
28536In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
28537 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
28538%
28539In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
28540Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
28541And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
28542 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
28543 -- Mary Poppins
28544%
28545In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
28546%
28547In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
28548transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
28549in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
28550spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
28551 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
28552%
28553In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
28554in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
28555%
28556In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
28557I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
28558because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
28559didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
28560Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
28561for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
28562 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
28563%
28564In God we trust; all else we walk through.
28565%
28566In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
28567know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
28568 -- Plato
28569%
28570In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
28571the sidewalks when a concert is on.
28572%
28573In her first passion woman loves her lover,
28574In all the others all she loves is love.
28575 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
28576%
28577In high school in Brooklyn
28578I was the baseball manager,
28579proud as I could be
28580I chased baseballs,
28581gathered thrown bats
28582handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
28583It was very important work but it was dark blue while
28584for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
28585but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
28586When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
28587their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
28588I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
28589Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
28590got these jackets, and among all those green ones
28591surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
28592 I still recall that jacket
28593 and the memory goes on hurting.
28594 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
28595%
28596In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
28597afterwards that causes the problems.
28598 -- Shelley Winters
28599%
28600In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
28601 -- Rex Reed
28602%
28603In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
28604use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
28605which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
28606 -- Mark Twain
28607%
28608In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
28609murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
28610and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
28611five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
28612The cuckoo-clock.
28613 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
28614%
28615In just seven days, I can make you a man!
28616 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
28617 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
28618%
28619In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
28620progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
28621 -- James Slagle
28622%
28623In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
28624pocket.
28625%
28626In like a dimwit, out like a light.
28627 -- Pogo
28628%
28629In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
28630 -- Bruton
28631%
28632In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
28633pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
28634either flying or waiting to board a plane.
28635%
28636In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
28637to take every advantage of the enemy.
28638%
28639In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
28640the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
28641have obtained from books of travel.
28642 -- Mark Twain
28643%
28644In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
28645in matters of taste, swim with the current.
28646 -- Thomas Jefferson
28647%
28648In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
28649 -- Josi Simon
28650%
28651In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
28652It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
28653%
28654In most instances, all an argument
28655proves is that two people are present.
28656%
28657In my end is my beginning.
28658 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
28659%
28660In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
28661your left leg, it's modern architecture.
28662 -- Nancy Banks Smith
28663%
28664IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
28665becoming pure energy.
28666 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
28667%
28668In Nature there are neither rewards nor
28669punishments, there are consequences.
28670 -- R. G. Ingersoll
28671%
28672In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
28673to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
28674speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
28675%
28676In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
28677a practice which is still continued.
28678 -- Helen Rowland
28679%
28680In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
28681%
28682In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
28683you're what's left.
28684%
28685In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
28686%
28687In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
28688It is not always an easy sacrifice.
28689%
28690"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
28691universe."
28692 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
28693%
28694In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
28695is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
28696 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28697%
28698In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
28699%
28700In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
28701a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
28702 -- John Diefenbaker
28703%
28704In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
28705and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
28706%
28707In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
28708of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
28709view."
28710%
28711In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
28712happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
28713 -- Paul Licker
28714%
28715In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
28716want the other person.
28717 -- Margaret Anderson
28718%
28719In reply to a message by Scott Long:
28720
28721> Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming.
28722
28723Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in
28724your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some
28725computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY
28726DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring
28727their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6,
28728whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc.
28729
28730It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD
28731merger be that far off?
28732
28733- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006)
28734%
28735In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
28736Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
28737Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
28738We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
28739 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
28740%
28741In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
28742 -- Will Durst
28743%
28744In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
28745good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
28746their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
28747do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
28748human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
28749recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
28750 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
28751%
28752In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
28753is over six feet in length.
28754%
28755In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
28756 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
28757%
28758"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
28759%
28760In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
28761%
28762In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
28763 -- Anne Frank
28764%
28765In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
28766 -- Alan Kay
28767%
28768In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
28769moving automobile.
28770%
28771[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
28772could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
28773that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
28774
28775And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
28776over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
28777didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
28778point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
28779we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
28780
28781So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
28782Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
28783___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
28784rolled back.
28785 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
28786%
28787In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
28788And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
28789%
28790In the beginning was the word.
28791But by the time the second word was added to it,
28792There was trouble.
28793For with it came syntax ...
28794 -- John Simon
28795%
28796In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
28797Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
28798which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
28799intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
2880014, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
28801fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
28802discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
28803to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
28804memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
28805
28806 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
28807 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
28808 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
28809 combination."
28810
28811Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
28812could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
28813%
28814In the days of old,
28815When Knights were bold,
28816 And women were too cautious;
28817Oh, those gallant days,
28818When women were women,
28819 And men were really obnoxious.
28820%
28821In the dimestores and bus stations
28822People talk of situations
28823Read books repeat quotations
28824Draw conclusions on the wall.
28825 -- Bob Dylan
28826%
28827In the early morning queue,
28828With a listing in my hand.
28829With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
28830Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
28831I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
28832How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
28833In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
28834With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
28835 Hey, there it goes my friend,
28836 I've moved up one at last.
28837 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
28838 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
28839%
28840In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
28841 -- Martin Mull
28842%
28843In the first place, God made idiots;
28844this was for practice; then he made school boards.
28845 -- Mark Twain
28846%
28847In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28848the proper order then why can't he?
28849%
28850In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28851the proper order then why can't he?
28852
28853
28854I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
28855Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
28856 S-O-D-A soda
28857I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
28858I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
28859 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
28860
28861Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
28862A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
28863 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
28864Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
28865How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
28866 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
28867 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
28868%
28869In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
28870 -- Joseph Stalin
28871%
28872In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
28873You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
28874%
28875In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
28876 -- Lenny Bruce
28877%
28878In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
28879woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
28880 -- Tolstoy
28881%
28882In the land of the dark the Ship of the
28883Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
28884 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
28885%
28886In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
28887 -- Alan Perlis
28888%
28889In the long run we are all dead.
28890 -- John Maynard Keynes
28891%
28892In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
28893a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
28894the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
28895
28896Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
28897A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
28898%
28899In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
28900noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
28901the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
28902conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
28903jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
28904 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
28905live?"
28906%
28907In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
28908displeasing to us.
28909 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
28910%
28911In the next world, you're on your own.
28912%
28913In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
28914wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
28915everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
28916camp.
28917 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
28918a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
28919louder and louder.
28920 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
28921the sound of those drums."
28922 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
28923NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
28924%
28925In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
28926loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
28927you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
28928lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
28929and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
28930was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
28931 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
28932%
28933In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
28934struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
28935and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
28936crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
28937 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
28938 novel.
28939%
28940In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
28941shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
28942Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
28943thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
28944Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
28945something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
28946conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
28947 -- Mark Twain
28948%
28949In the Spring, I have counted 136
28950different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
28951 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
28952%
28953In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
28954%
28955In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
28956out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
28957 -- Art Linkletter
28958%
28959In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
28960%
28961In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
28962In practice, there is.
28963%
28964In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
28965 -- Pliny the Elder
28966%
28967In this vale
28968Of toil and sin
28969Your head grows bald
28970But not your chin.
28971 -- Burma Shave
28972%
28973In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
28974 -- Benjamin Franklin
28975%
28976In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
28977thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
28978 -- H. L. Mencken
28979%
28980In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
28981So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
28982%
28983In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
28984not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
28985 -- Oscar Wilde
28986%
28987In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
28988%
28989In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
28990my advice.
28991 -- Winston Churchill
28992%
28993In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
28994employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
28995 -- Dr. L. J. Peter
28996%
28997In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
28998the supervision of a licensed engineer.
28999%
29000In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
29001A stately pleasure dome decree,
29002Where /bin, the sacred river ran
29003Through Test Suites measureless to Man
29004Down to a sunless C.
29005%
29006In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
29007 -- Napoleon
29008%
29009In war, truth is the first casualty.
29010 -- U Thant
29011%
29012In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
29013along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
29014%
29015In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
29016%
29017In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
29018 -- Pliny
29019%
29020In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
29021But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
29022%
29023In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
29024A stately pleasure dome decree:
29025Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
29026Through caverns measureless to man
29027Down to a sunless sea.
29028So twice five miles of fertile ground
29029With walls and towers were girdled round:
29030And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
29031Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
29032And here were forest ancient as the hills,
29033Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
29034 -- S. T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
29035%
29036In youth, it was a way I had
29037To do my best to please,
29038And change, with every passing lad,
29039To suit his theories.
29040
29041But now I know the things I know,
29042And do the things I do;
29043And if you do not like me so,
29044To hell, my love, with you!
29045 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
29046%
29047INCENTIVE PROGRAM:
29048 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
29049 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
29050 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
29051 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
29052 keep it."
29053%
29054Include me out.
29055%
29056Increased knowledge will help you now.
29057Have mate's phone bugged.
29058%
29059Incumbent, n.:
29060 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
29061 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29062%
29063Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
29064%
29065Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
29066`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
29067with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
29068 -- M. D. Epstein
29069%
29070INDEX:
29071 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
29072 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
29073%
29074Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
29075basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
29076is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
29077 -- Carolyn Jones
29078%
29079Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
29080%
29081Individualists unite!
29082%
29083Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
29084advance; insufferable in victory.
29085 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
29086%
29087infancy, n:
29088 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
29089about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
29090 -- Ambrose Bierce
29091%
29092Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
29093Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
29094 -- Ambrose Bierce
29095%
29096Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
29097%
29098Information Center, n.:
29099 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
29100to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
29101%
29102Information is the inverse of entropy.
29103%
29104Information Processing:
29105 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
29106 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
29107%
29108Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29109
29110 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
29111 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
29112 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
29113 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
29114 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
29115
29116 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
29117 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
29118 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
29119
29120 -- Colin Bowles
29121%
29122Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29123
29124 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
29125 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
29126 dressed as a man.
29127
29128 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
29129 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
29130 or similar.
29131
29132 On a Bucharest elevator:
29133
29134 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
29135 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
29136
29137 -- Colin Bowles
29138%
29139Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29140
29141 Various signs in Poland:
29142
29143 Right turn toward immediate outside.
29144
29145 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
29146
29147 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
29148
29149 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
29150
29151 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
29152 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
29153 on front of shirt.
29154
29155 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
29156%
29157ingrate, n:
29158 A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
29159 and then complains of indigestion.
29160%
29161Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
29162 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
29163%
29164Ink, n.:
29165 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
29166water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
29167intellectual crime.
29168 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29169%
29170Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
29171likes oneself.
29172 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
29173%
29174INNOVATE:
29175 Annoy people.
29176%
29177Innovation is hard to schedule.
29178 -- Dan Fylstra
29179%
29180INNUENDO:
29181 Italian enema.
29182%
29183Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
29184token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
29185 -- Wilson Mizner
29186%
29187Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
29188%
29189Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
29190the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
29191%
29192INSECURITY:
29193 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
29194 favorite words.
29195
29196 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
29197 the person who told it to you.
29198%
29199Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
29200%
29201Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
29202 hunting accident?"
29203Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
29204 -- Woody Allen
29205%
29206Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
29207%
29208Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
29209they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
29210anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
29211years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
29212 -- The Best of Will Rogers
29213%
29214Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
29215 -- Edgar W. Howe
29216%
29217Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated,
29218it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches.
29219It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter
29220how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can
29221hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control...
29222 -- Dave Crocker
29223%
29224Integrity has no need for rules.
29225%
29226Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
29227 -- Henry Spencer
29228%
29229Intellect annuls Fate.
29230So far as a man thinks, he is free.
29231 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
29232%
29233Interchangeable parts won't.
29234%
29235INTEREST:
29236 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
29237 burned out employees must feign.
29238%
29239Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
29240street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
29241invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
29242and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
29243 -- David Letterman
29244%
29245Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
29246best at, that's what I say.
29247 -- Doctor Who
29248%
29249Interpreter, n.:
29250 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
29251 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
29252 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
29253 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29254%
29255Into love and out again,
29256 Thus I went and thus I go.
29257Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
29258 Well and bitterly I know
29259All the songs were ever sung,
29260 All the words were ever said;
29261Could it be, when I was young,
29262 Someone dropped me on my head?
29263 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
29264%
29265Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
29266%
29267INTOXICATED:
29268 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
29269%
29270Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
29271
29272INSTRUCTION SET
29273 Code Mnemonic What
29274 0 NOP No Operation
29275 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
29276
29277Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
29278%
29279Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
29280%
29281Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
29282it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
29283 -- Bernard Cooke
29284%
29285I/O, I/O,
29286It's off to disk I go,
29287A bit or byte to read or write,
29288I/O, I/O, I/O...
29289%
29290IOT trap -- core dumped
29291%
29292IOT trap -- mos dumped
29293%
29294Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
29295 -- Crow T. Robot
29296%
29297Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
29298they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
29299little paper envelopes.
29300%
29301Iron Law of Distribution:
29302 Them that has, gets.
29303%
29304IRONY:
29305 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
29306 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
29307%
29308"Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
29309 -- Douglas Hofstadter
29310%
29311Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
29312%
29313Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
29314%
29315"Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
29316Or are we suffering in Safeway?"
29317 -- Zippy the Pinhead
29318%
29319Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
29320%
29321Is death legally binding?
29322%
29323Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
29324meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
29325a soap bubble?
29326%
29327Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
29328 -- Steven Wright
29329%
29330Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
29331%
29332Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
29333of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
29334and such as are out wish to get in?
29335 -- Ralph Emerson
29336%
29337Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
29338 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
29339%
29340Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
29341 -- Mae West
29342%
29343Is that really YOU that is reading this?
29344%
29345"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
29346"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
29347"The dog did nothing in the night-time."
29348"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
29349%
29350Is there life before breakfast?
29351%
29352Is this really happening?
29353%
29354Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
29355%
29356Isn't air travel wonderful?
29357Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
29358%
29359Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
29360person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
29361 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
29362%
29363Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
29364listen to weather forecasts and economists?
29365 -- Kelvin Throop III
29366%
29367Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
29368avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
29369would make them better prospects?
29370%
29371Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
29372there?
29373 -- Herb Caen
29374%
29375Isn't it strange that the same people that
29376laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
29377%
29378ISO applications:
29379 A solution in search of a problem!
29380%
29381Issawi's Laws of Progress:
29382 The Course of Progress:
29383 Most things get steadily worse.
29384 The Path of Progress:
29385 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
29386%
29387It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
29388as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
29389had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
29390"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
29391Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
29392came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
29393this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
29394Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
29395To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
29396your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
29397"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
29398%
29399It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
29400most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
29401 -- J. Sammet
29402%
29403It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
29404Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
29405It lies behind starts and under hills,
29406And empty holes it fills.
29407It comes first and follows after,
29408Ends life, kills laughter.
29409%
29410"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
29411any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
29412horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
29413existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
29414that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
29415thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
29416horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
29417horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
29418Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
29419have wings by not being Walter's horse.
29420
29421I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
29422then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
29423for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
29424necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
29425better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
29426 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
29427%
29428It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
29429 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29430%
29431It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
29432interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
29433for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
29434invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
29435was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
29436hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
29437carried me.
29438 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
29439%
29440It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
29441%
29442It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
29443pick up something from the floor while you get up.
29444%
29445It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
29446done and what you're going to do.
29447%
29448It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
29449%
29450It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
29451next morning it was someone else.
29452 -- Rogers
29453%
29454It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
29455which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
29456insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
29457than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
29458 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
29459%
29460It gets late early out there.
29461 -- Yogi Berra
29462%
29463It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
29464or both feet firmly planted in the air.
29465%
29466It hangs down from the chandelier
29467Nobody knows quite what it does
29468Its color is odd and its shape is weird
29469It emits a high-sounding buzz
29470
29471It grows a couple of feet each day
29472and wriggles with sort of a twitch
29473Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
29474a visiting uncle who's rich!
29475 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
29476%
29477It happened long ago
29478In the new magic land
29479The Indians and the buffalo
29480Existed hand in hand
29481The Indians needed food
29482They need skins for a roof
29483The only took what they needed
29484And the buffalo ran loose
29485But then came the white man
29486With his thick and empty head
29487He couldn't see past his billfold
29488He wanted all the buffalo dead
29489It was sad, oh so sad.
29490 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
29491%
29492It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
29493came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
29494applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
29495think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
29496wits, who believe that it is a joke.
29497 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
29498%
29499It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
29500most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
29501it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
29502 -- H. Warner Munn
29503%
29504It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
29505thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
29506drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
29507 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29508%
29509It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
29510that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that
29511one can learn."
29512 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
29513%
29514It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
29515been searching for evidence which could support this.
29516 -- Bertrand Russell
29517%
29518It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
29519and getting people under the influence.
29520 -- Jeremy Tunstall
29521%
29522It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
29523%
29524It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
29525or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
29526achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
29527good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
29528notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
29529infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
29530folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
29531their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
29532appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
29533and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
29534competence will be quite enough.
29535 -- The Underground Grammarian
29536%
29537It has long been an axiom of mine that the
29538little things are infinitely the most important.
29539 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
29540%
29541It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
29542manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
29543baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
29544is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
29545%
29546It has long been known that one horse can run faster
29547than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
29548 -- Lazarus Long
29549%
29550It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
29551indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
29552is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
29553of infanticide.
29554 -- Edmond About
29555%
29556It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
29557to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
29558 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
29559%
29560It is a lesson which all history teaches
29561wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
29562 -- Emerson
29563%
29564It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
29565%
29566It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
29567 -- Aeschylus
29568%
29569It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
29570my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
29571 -- Tom Lehrer
29572%
29573It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
29574it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
29575organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
29576manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
29577I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
29578 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
29579could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
29580three more than the schedule allowed.
29581 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
29582could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
29583it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
29584Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
29585their thumbs for ten months.
29586 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
29587program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
29588but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
29589it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
29590integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
29591estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
29592 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
29593%
29594It is a wise father that knows his own child.
29595 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
29596%
29597It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
29598What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
29599thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
29600 -- Alan Perlis
29601%
29602It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
29603Urbana, Illinois.
29604%
29605It is all right to hold a conversation,
29606but you should let go of it now and then.
29607 -- Richard Armour
29608%
29609It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
29610you are an exceptionally good liar.
29611 -- Jerome K. Jerome
29612%
29613It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
29614%
29615It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
29616pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
29617sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
29618 -- Voltaire
29619%
29620It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
29621they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
29622that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
29623much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
29624had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
29625conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
29626intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
29627
29628Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
29629destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
29630alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
29631misinterpreted ...
29632 -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy"
29633%
29634It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
29635 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
29636%
29637It is bad luck to be superstitious.
29638 -- Andrew W. Mathis
29639%
29640[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
29641 -- K&R
29642%
29643It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
29644coming up it.
29645 -- Henry Allen
29646%
29647It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
29648One in a million, perhaps.
29649%
29650It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
29651%
29652It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
29653%
29654It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
29655%
29656It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
29657%
29658It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
29659%
29660It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
29661%
29662It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
29663%
29664It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
29665%
29666It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
29667%
29668It is better to live rich than to die rich.
29669 -- Samuel Johnson
29670%
29671It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
29672%
29673It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
29674%
29675It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
29676and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
29677%
29678It is better to wear out than to rust out.
29679%
29680It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
29681freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
29682 -- Mark Twain
29683%
29684It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
29685admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
29686 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
29687%
29688It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
29689is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
29690 -- Descartes
29691%
29692It is convenient that there be gods, and,
29693as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
29694 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
29695%
29696It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
29697remember.
29698 -- Eugene McCarthy
29699%
29700It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
29701%
29702It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
29703incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
29704twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
29705 -- Rod Serling
29706%
29707It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
29708%
29709"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
29710lightly greased."
29711 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
29712%
29713It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
29714proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
29715better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
29716your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
29717attention, the harder the task.
29718 -- Sydney J. Harris
29719%
29720It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
29721%
29722It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
29723 -- Alfred Adler
29724%
29725It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
29726%
29727It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
29728 -- George Santayana
29729%
29730It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
29731 -- Leonardo da Vinci
29732%
29733It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
29734%
29735It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
29736%
29737It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
29738 -- Aeschylus
29739%
29740It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
29741of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
29742 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
29743%
29744It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
29745holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
29746is there, but speed him when he wishes.
29747 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
29748
29749 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
29750 referring to scheduling.]
29751%
29752It is exactly because a man cannot do a
29753thing that he is a proper judge of it.
29754 -- Oscar Wilde
29755%
29756It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
29757is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
29758last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
29759enough.
29760 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
29761%
29762It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
29763%
29764It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
29765without your help.
29766 -- Miss Manners
29767%
29768It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
29769%
29770It is fruitless:
29771 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
29772
29773 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
29774 innovative maneuvers.
29775%
29776It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
29777if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
29778 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
29779%
29780It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
29781 -- Robert Storm Petersen
29782%
29783It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
29784love does not lie in the ear.
29785 -- Walpole
29786%
29787It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
29788Boulevard at one time.
29789%
29790It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
29791%
29792It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
29793the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
29794case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
29795crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
29796 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
29797%
29798It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
29799%
29800It is impossible to defend perfectly
29801against the attack of those who want to die.
29802%
29803It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
29804unless one has plenty of work to do.
29805 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
29806%
29807It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
29808a tune.
29809 -- Woody Allen
29810%
29811It is impossible to make anything
29812foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
29813%
29814It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
29815certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
29816 -- Woody Allen
29817%
29818IT IS IN PROCESS:
29819 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
29820%
29821It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
29822but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
29823 -- Plutarch
29824%
29825It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
29826God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
29827 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
29828%
29829It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
29830wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
29831they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
29832like a happy married life.
29833 -- Oscar Wilde
29834%
29835It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
29836offense consists in doubting it.
29837 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
29838%
29839It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
29840 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29841%
29842It is much easier to suggest solutions
29843when you know nothing about the problem.
29844%
29845It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
29846%
29847It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
29848privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
29849corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
29850 -- George Bernard Shaw
29851%
29852It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
29853 -- Kingsley Amis
29854%
29855It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
29856%
29857It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
29858that makes life blessed.
29859 -- Goethe
29860%
29861It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
29862 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
29863 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
29864
29865It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29866 -- Gore Vidal
29867 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
29868%
29869It is not enough to have a good mind.
29870The main thing is to use it well.
29871 -- Rene Descartes
29872%
29873It is not enough to have great qualities,
29874we should also have the management of them.
29875 -- La Rochefoucauld
29876%
29877It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29878 -- Gore Vidal
29879%
29880It is not every question that deserves an answer.
29881 -- Publilius Syrus
29882%
29883It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
29884inscrutable workings of Providence.
29885 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
29886%
29887It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
29888and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
29889 -- Proverbs 19:2
29890%
29891It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
29892dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
29893she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
29894does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
29895dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the
29896dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
29897 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
29898%
29899It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
29900that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
29901 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
29902%
29903It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
29904the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
29905man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
29906blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
29907knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
29908worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
29909he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
29910or defeat.
29911 -- Teddy Roosevelt
29912%
29913It is not true that life is one damn thing after
29914another -- it's one damn thing over and over.
29915 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
29916%
29917It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
29918the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
29919wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
29920kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
29921big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
29922and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
29923kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
29924sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
29925 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
29926%
29927It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
29928 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
29929%
29930It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
29931%
29932It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
29933to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
29934chemistry.
29935 -- H. L. Mencken
29936%
29937It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
29938 -- Grace Murray Hopper
29939%
29940It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
29941virginity could be a virtue.
29942 -- Voltaire
29943%
29944It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
29945 -- Cervantes
29946%
29947It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
29948at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
29949is the only thing that makes the result come true.
29950 -- William James
29951%
29952It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
29953dignity.
29954%
29955It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
29956to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
29957 -- Havelock Ellis
29958%
29959It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
29960what is essential is invisible to the eye.
29961 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
29962%
29963It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK]
29964unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the
29965word "quack".
29966 -- Garrett Wollman
29967%
29968It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
29969anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
29970a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
29971way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
29972should be used in its proper place.
29973 -- Christopher Strachey
29974%
29975It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
29976 -- Maimie Van Doren
29977%
29978It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
29979have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
29980mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
29981 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
29982%
29983It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
29984rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
29985kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
29986 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
29987%
29988It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
29989his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
29990worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
29991day like any other day, only shorter.
29992 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
29993%
29994It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
29995sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
29996in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
29997too, shall pass away."
29998 -- Abraham Lincoln
29999%
30000It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
30001lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
30002high as the eagle?
30003%
30004It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
30005 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
30006%
30007It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
30008devil when he is the only explanation of it.
30009 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
30010%
30011It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
30012yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
30013%
30014It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
30015statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
30016to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
30017which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
30018highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
30019worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
30020 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
30021%
30022It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
30023 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30024%
30025It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
30026crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
30027until the other has gone.
30028%
30029It is the business of little minds to shrink.
30030 -- Carl Sandburg
30031%
30032It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
30033 -- Hawkwind
30034%
30035It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
30036set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
30037 -- Francis Bacon
30038%
30039It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
30040 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
30041%
30042It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
30043 -- Francis Bacon
30044%
30045It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
30046%
30047It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
30048lives, works and has his being.
30049 -- Thomas Carlyle
30050%
30051It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
30052straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
30053Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
30054%
30055It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
30056 -- Lloyd Kaufman,
30057 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
30058%
30059It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
30060It produces a false impression.
30061 -- Oscar Wilde.
30062%
30063It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
30064 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30065%
30066It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
30067 -- Roger Babson
30068%
30069It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
30070 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30071%
30072It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
30073%
30074It isn't easy being green.
30075 -- Kermit the Frog
30076%
30077It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
30078small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
30079computers.
30080%
30081It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
30082unhappy.
30083 -- Groucho Marx
30084%
30085It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
30086 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
30087%
30088It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
30089to Grandmother's condo.
30090%
30091It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
30092probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
30093 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
30094%
30095It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
30096%
30097It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
30098Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
30099 -- Princess Leia Organa
30100%
30101IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
30102a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
30103that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
30104
30105Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
30106 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
30107%
30108It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
30109to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
30110 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
30111%
30112It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
30113or lose.
30114 -- Darrin Weinberg
30115%
30116It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
30117good either if you speak when your head is empty.
30118%
30119It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
30120better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
30121 -- Lazarus Long
30122%
30123It may be that your whole purpose in life
30124is simply to serve as a warning to others.
30125%
30126It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
30127%
30128It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
30129doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
30130a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
30131by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
30132in those who would gain by the new ones.
30133 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
30134%
30135It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
30136that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
30137starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
30138 -- Arthur Binstead
30139%
30140It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
30141%
30142It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
30143%
30144It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
30145one's life and then come round.
30146 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
30147%
30148It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
30149%
30150It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
30151they'll come out for it.
30152 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood
30153 mogul Harry Cohn
30154%
30155"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory"
30156 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
30157%
30158It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
30159slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
30160more.
30161 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
30162%
30163It seems a little silly now, but this country
30164was founded as a protest against taxation.
30165%
30166It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
30167be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
30168unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
30169artificial lubrication or foreplay.
30170 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
30171 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
30172%
30173It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
30174 -- Chris Torek
30175%
30176It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
30177flag.
30178%
30179It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
30180language named "research student".
30181%
30182It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
30183%
30184It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
30185to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
30186and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
30187airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
30188average wife is like that.
30189 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
30190%
30191It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
30192municipality.
30193 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
30194%
30195It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
30196%
30197It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
30198%
30199It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
30200 -- Crazy Charlie
30201%
30202It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
30203%
30204It takes less time to do a thing right
30205than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
30206 -- H. W. Longfellow
30207%
30208It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
30209%
30210It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
30211may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
30212military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
30213the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
30214a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
30215officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
30216Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
30217 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
30218%
30219It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
30220but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
30221 -- Robert Benchley
30222%
30223It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
30224system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
30225some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
30226sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
30227 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
30228 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
30229%
30230It used to be the fun was in
30231The capture and kill.
30232In another place and time
30233I did it all for thrills.
30234 -- Lust to Love
30235%
30236It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
30237 -- Mark Twain
30238%
30239It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
30240%
30241It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
30242%
30243It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
30244since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
30245laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
30246 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
30247%
30248It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
30249never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
30250 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
30251%
30252"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
30253foot."
30254%
30255It was all so different before everything changed.
30256%
30257It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
30258when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
30259 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
30260%
30261It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
30262was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
30263 --- James Dent
30264%
30265It was one time too many
30266One word too few
30267It was all too much for me and you
30268There was one way to go
30269Nothing more we could do
30270One time too many
30271One word too few
30272 -- Meredith Tanner
30273%
30274It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
30275%
30276It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
30277thought Frito.
30278 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
30279%
30280It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
30281I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
30282don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
30283the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
30284charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
30285novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
30286yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
30287man a lifetime.
30288 -- Thomas Aldrich
30289%
30290It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
30291road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
30292and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
30293from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
30294The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
30295to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
30296man appeared out of an upstairs window.
30297 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
30298 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
30299would let me stay here for the night."
30300 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
30301okay with me."
30302%
30303It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
30304Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
30305 -- Hunter S. Thompson
30306%
30307It was wonderful to find America, but it
30308would have been more wonderful to miss it.
30309 -- Mark Twain
30310%
30311It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
30312 -- Tim Conway
30313%
30314It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
30315It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
30316%
30317It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
30318the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
30319%
30320It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
30321nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
30322examples.
30323 -- Charles Dickens
30324%
30325It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
30326warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
30327two things still safe to eat.
30328 -- Robert Fuoss
30329%
30330It would be nice to be sure of anything
30331the way some people are of everything.
30332%
30333It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
30334%
30335italic, adj:
30336 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
30337 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
30338 are often slanted to the left.
30339%
30340It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
30341%
30342It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
30343 -- Luke Skywalker
30344%
30345It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
30346 -- Danny Vermin
30347%
30348It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
30349and party!
30350 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
30351%
30352It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
30353 -- Andrew Jackson
30354%
30355It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
30356 -- Cheers
30357%
30358It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
30359%
30360It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
30361breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
30362%
30363It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
30364%
30365It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
30366when you lose yours.
30367 -- Harry S. Truman
30368%
30369It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
30370 -- Steven Wright
30371%
30372"It's a summons."
30373"What's a summons?"
30374"It means summon's in trouble."
30375 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
30376%
30377It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
30378 -- Churchy La Femme
30379%
30380It's all in the mind, ya know.
30381%
30382It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
30383 -- Mick Jagger
30384%
30385"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
30386any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
30387never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
30388out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
30389What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
30390flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
30391half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
30392then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
30393have thought it up, I wonder?"
30394 -- James Purdy
30395%
30396It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
30397%
30398It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
30399%
30400It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
30401 -- Alex Clark
30402%
30403It's amazing how many people you could be friends
30404with if only they'd make the first approach.
30405%
30406It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
30407%
30408It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
30409%
30410It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
30411 -- Michael Arlen
30412%
30413It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
30414but why do the rats always have to win?
30415%
30416It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
30417 -- Tom Stoppard
30418%
30419It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
30420 -- Marty Winch
30421%
30422It's better to burn out than to fade away.
30423%
30424It's business doing pleasure with you.
30425%
30426It's clever, but is it art?
30427%
30428It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
30429%
30430"It's easier said than done."
30431
30432... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
30433said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
30434said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
30435done".
30436%
30437It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
30438 -- Don Price
30439%
30440It's easier to get forgiveness for being
30441wrong than forgiveness for being right.
30442%
30443It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
30444 -- Washlesky
30445%
30446It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
30447it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
30448%
30449It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
30450%
30451It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
30452 -- Macy's
30453%
30454Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
30455in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
30456the ignorance of the community.
30457 -- Oscar Wilde
30458%
30459It's faster horses,
30460Younger women,
30461Older whiskey and
30462More money.
30463 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
30464%
30465It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
30466 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
30467%
30468It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
30469first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
30470kill somebody.
30471 -- Dorothy Sayers
30472%
30473It's gonna be alright,
30474It's almost midnight,
30475And I've got two more bottles of wine.
30476%
30477It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
30478even if most of them are bad.
30479%
30480It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
30481If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
30482%
30483It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
30484%
30485It's hard to drive at the limit, but
30486it's harder to know where the limits are.
30487 -- Stirling Moss
30488%
30489It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
30490 -- Groucho Marx
30491%
30492It's hard to keep your shirt on when
30493you're getting something off your chest.
30494%
30495It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
30496 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
30497%
30498It's hard to think of you as the end
30499result of millions of years of evolution.
30500%
30501It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
30502%
30503It's important that people know what you stand for.
30504It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
30505%
30506It's interesting to think that many quite
30507distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
30508%
30509It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
30510If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
30511our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
30512 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
30513%
30514It's just a jump to the left
30515 And then a step to the right.
30516Put your hands on your hips
30517 And pull your knees in tight.
30518It's the pelvic thrust
30519 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
30520
30521 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
30522
30523 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
30524%
30525It's just apartment house rules,
30526So all you 'partment house fools
30527Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
30528One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
30529 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
30530%
30531"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
30532 -- Walt Disney
30533%
30534It's later than you think.
30535%
30536It's later than you think, the joint
30537Russian-American space mission has already begun.
30538%
30539It's like deja vu all over again.
30540 -- Yogi Berra
30541%
30542It's Like This
30543
30544Even the samurai
30545have teddy bears,
30546and even the teddy bears
30547get drunk.
30548%
30549It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
30550you're going in the wrong direction.
30551%
30552It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
30553 -- Sam Goldwyn
30554%
30555It's multiple choice time...
30556
30557 What is FORTRAN?
30558
30559 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
30560 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
30561 c: Ridiculous.
30562%
30563Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
30564It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
30565 -- Mark Twain
30566%
30567It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
30568%
30569It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
30570a sickness you like.
30571 -- Jackie Mason
30572%
30573It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
30574to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
30575 -- George Burns
30576%
30577It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
30578%
30579It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
30580 -- Tom Lehrer
30581%
30582It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
30583 -- Phil White
30584%
30585It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
30586 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
30587%
30588It's not easy being green.
30589 -- Kermit
30590%
30591It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
30592 -- Alexander Korda
30593%
30594It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
30595 -- J. K. Galbraith
30596%
30597"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
30598 -- Cal Keegan
30599%
30600It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
30601what you're taking for it...
30602%
30603It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
30604%
30605It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
30606the ground.
30607 -- Daniel B. Luten
30608%
30609It's not that I'm afraid to die.
30610I just don't want to be there when it happens.
30611 -- Woody Allen
30612%
30613It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
30614%
30615It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
30616 -- Mae West
30617%
30618It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
30619 -- Garfield
30620%
30621It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
30622 -- Grantland Rice
30623%
30624It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
30625%
30626It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
30627%
30628It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
30629the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
30630"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
30631 -- Sydney J. Harris
30632%
30633It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
30634what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
30635 -- Roger Noe
30636%
30637It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
30638 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
30639 elected governor of California.
30640
30641[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
30642for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
30643%
30644It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
30645as a warning to others.
30646%
30647It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
30648poverty and wealth have both failed.
30649 -- Kim Hubbard
30650%
30651It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
30652%
30653It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
30654%
30655It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
30656society will take full responsibility for you.
30657%
30658It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
30659using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
30660only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
30661difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
30662results to humans.
30663
30664 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
30665%
30666It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
30667have been all over it.
30668 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
30669%
30670It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
30671 just to see if it's real,
30672Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
30673But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
30674So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
30675Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
30676 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
30677%
30678It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
30679%
30680It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
30681%
30682It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
30683 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30684%
30685It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
30686the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
30687 -- Franklin P. Jones
30688%
30689It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
30690boy gets another beer.
30691 -- Cheers
30692%
30693It's the thought, if any, that counts!
30694%
30695"It's today!" said Piglet.
30696"My favorite day," said Pooh.
30697%
30698It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
30699madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
30700%
30701It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
30702venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
30703 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
30704%
30705It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
30706know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
30707%
30708IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
30709 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
30710 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
30711 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
30712 inevitably unsuccessful.
30713 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
30714 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
30715 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
30716 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
30717 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
30718 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
30719 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
30720VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
30721 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
30722 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
30723 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
30724 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
30725 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
30726 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
30727 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
30728%
30729I've already told you more than I know.
30730%
30731I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
30732%
30733I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
30734when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
30735%
30736I've always made it a solemn practice to never
30737drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
30738 -- R. Nesson
30739%
30740I've been in more laps than a napkin.
30741 -- Mae West
30742%
30743I've Been Moved!
30744%
30745I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
30746 -- Totie Fields
30747%
30748I've been on this lonely road so long,
30749Does anybody know where it goes,
30750I remember last time the signs pointed home,
30751A month ago.
30752 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
30753%
30754I've been there.
30755%
30756I've built a better model than the one at Data General
30757For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
30758My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
30759My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
30760My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
30761You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
30762There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
30763My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
30764
30765I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
30766There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
30767Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
30768I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
30769
30770 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
30771 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
30772 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
30773%
30774I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
30775%
30776I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
30777It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
30778 -- Dennie van Tassel
30779%
30780I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
30781this little hole in the bottom ...
30782 -- John Croll
30783%
30784I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
30785%
30786I've got a very bad feeling about this.
30787 -- Han Solo
30788%
30789I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
30790 -- Henny Youngman
30791%
30792I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
30793 -- Stephen Wright
30794%
30795I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
30796 -- Groucho Marx
30797%
30798I've had one child. My husband wants to have another.
30799I'd like to watch him have another.
30800%
30801I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
30802on the same day.
30803%
30804I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
30805 -- Joel Halpern.
30806%
30807I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
30808be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
30809
30810Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
30811%
30812I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
30813 -- George Gobel
30814%
30815I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
30816 -- Calvin Coolidge
30817%
30818I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
30819 -- Keith Richards
30820
30821I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
30822bad taste.
30823 -- Keith Richards
30824%
30825I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
30826 -- W.C. Fields
30827%
30828I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
30829%
30830I've only got 12 cards.
30831%
30832"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
30833%
30834"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
30835 -- Senator Claghorn
30836%
30837I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
30838like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
30839indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
30840devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
30841I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
30842 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
30843%
30844I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
30845And from that full meridian of my glory
30846I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
30847Like a bright exhalation in the evening
30848And no man see me more.
30849 -- Shakespeare
30850%
30851I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
30852me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
30853 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30854%
30855Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
30856 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
30857 legislature is in session.
30858%
30859jake hates
30860 all the girls(the
30861shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
30862ones; the meek the girls(the
30863proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
30864all except the cold ones; the slim
30865 ones plump tiny tall)
30866 all except the
30867 dull ones
30868gus loves all the
30869 girls(the
30870warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
30871ones; the mad (the
30872moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
30873all except ones; the mean
30874 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
30875 all
30876 except the green ones
30877 -- e e cummings
30878%
30879James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
30880indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
30881 -- Tom Stoppard
30882%
30883James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
30884West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
30885"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
30886%
30887Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
30888east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
30889Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
30890because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
30891by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
30892grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
30893television?" and "Good night".
30894 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
30895 Letters, 1967
30896%
30897Japan, n:
30898 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
30899 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
30900 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
30901 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
30902 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
30903%
30904Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
30905%
30906Jenkinson's Law:
30907 It won't work.
30908%
30909Jesus Saves,
30910Moses Invests,
30911But only Buddha pays Dividends.
30912%
30913Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
30914You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
30915%
30916Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
30917you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
30918%
30919Jim Nasium's Law:
30920 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
30921 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
30922 each other so that everybody is cramped.
30923%
30924Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
30925I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
30926days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
30927%
30928Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
30929Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
30930to you. You gonna pay it?
30931%
30932JOB INTERVIEW:
30933 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
30934 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
30935%
30936job Placement, n:
30937 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
30938%
30939Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
30940 -- Snoopy
30941%
30942Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
30943Her voice was little more than a whisper.
30944 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
30945before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
30946I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
30947forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
30948your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
30949 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
30950whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
30951%
30952Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
30953%
30954jogger, n:
30955 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
30956%
30957John Dame May Oscar
30958Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
30959But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
30960Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
30961 -- Willard Espy
30962%
30963John Birch Society:
30964 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
30965 -- Edward P. Morgan
30966%
30967JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
30968
30969(George and Ringo miffed.)
30970%
30971John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
30972Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
30973Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
30974Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
30975The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
30976Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
30977And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
30978Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
30979 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
30980%
30981Johnny Carson's Definition:
30982 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
30983 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
30984 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
30985%
30986Johnson's First Law:
30987 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
30988 most inconvenient possible time.
30989%
30990Johnson's law:
30991 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
30992%
30993Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
30994Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
30995%
30996Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
30997exciting people, and kill them.
30998%
30999Join the march to save individuality!
31000%
31001Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
31002meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
31003%
31004Jones' First Law:
31005 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
31006 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
31007 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
31008 importance of their original contribution.
31009%
31010Jone's Motto:
31011 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
31012%
31013Jones' Second Law:
31014 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
31015 to blame it on.
31016%
31017Joshu: What is the true Way?
31018Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
31019J: Can I study it?
31020N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
31021J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
31022N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
31023 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
31024 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
31025 yourself as wide as the sky.
31026%
31027Journalism is literature in a hurry.
31028 -- Matthew Arnold
31029%
31030Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
31031%
31032Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
31033 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
31034 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
31035%
31036Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
31037reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
31038someone else's cash.
31039 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
31040%
31041Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
31042Pick one.
31043
310441: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
310452: It's cheaper than going to France.
310463: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
310474: Life is short.
310485: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
310496: It matches my eyes.
310507: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
310518: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
310529: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
3105310: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
3105411: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
3105512: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
31056%
31057Just a song before I go, Going through security
31058To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
31059Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
31060It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
31061When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
31062We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
31063And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
31064I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
31065She helped me with my suitcase,
31066She stands before my eyes,
31067Driving me to the airport
31068And to the friendly skies.
31069 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
31070%
31071Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
31072(and nobody cares about it).
31073 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
31074%
31075Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I
31076cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in
31077daydreams about women.
31078 -- George Bernard Shaw
31079%
31080Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
31081seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
31082totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
31083there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
31084the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
31085not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
31086sense of respect for the whole truth.
31087 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
31088%
31089Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
31090 -- Irene Peter
31091%
31092Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
31093%
31094Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
31095going to get hit.
31096 -- Joey
31097%
31098Just because the message may never be
31099received does not mean it is not worth sending.
31100%
31101Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
31102are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
31103what I mean.
31104 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
31105%
31106Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
31107 -- Bob Dylan
31108%
31109Just because your doctor has a name for your
31110condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
31111%
31112Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
31113%
31114Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
31115and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
31116 -- Glynda
31117%
31118Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
31119%
31120Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
31121get a prompt, type like hell.
31122%
31123Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
31124who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
31125about his or her love affairs.
31126 -- Rebecca West
31127%
31128Just machines to make big decisions,
31129Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
31130We'll be clean when their work is done,
31131We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
31132What a beautiful world this will be,
31133What a glorious time to be free.
31134 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
31135%
31136Just once, I wish we would encounter
31137an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
31138 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
31139%
31140"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
31141of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
31142 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
31143%
31144"Just remember, it all started with a mouse."
31145 -- Walt Disney
31146%
31147Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
31148twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
31149%
31150`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
31151 As he landed his crew with care;
31152Supporting each man on the top of the tide
31153 By a finger entwined in his hair.
31154
31155`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
31156 That alone should encourage the crew.
31157Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
31158 What I tell you three times is true.'
31159%
31160Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
31161a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
31162 -- Lionel Lauer
31163%
31164Just to have it is enough.
31165%
31166Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
31167of all the others, and then do what's best.
31168 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
31169%
31170Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
31171%
31172Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
31173faster rat!!!
31174%
31175Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
31176Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
31177I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
31178Just can't remember who to send it to...
31179
31180Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
31181I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
31182I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
31183But I always thought that I'd see you again.
31184Thought I'd see you one more time again.
31185 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
31186%
31187Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
31188 -- Michael J. Wagner
31189%
31190Justice is incidental to law and order.
31191 -- J. Edgar Hoover
31192%
31193Justice, n:
31194 A decision in your favor.
31195%
31196K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
31197 Cobol's wordy and confining;
31198 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
31199 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
31200 -- The Roguelet's ABC
31201%
31202Kafka's Law:
31203 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
31204 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
31205%
31206Kamikazes do it once.
31207%
31208KANSAS:
31209 Where the men are men and so are the women!
31210%
31211Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
31212wear tail lights.
31213%
31214Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
31215
31216For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
31217package of snack food.
31218
31219Gibson the Cat's Corrolary:
31220
31221For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
31222of lunch meat.
31223%
31224Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
31225Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
31226 at the conception.
31227 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
31228%
31229Katz' Law:
31230 Men and nations will act rationally when
31231 all other possibilities have been exhausted.
31232
31233History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
31234exhausted all other alternatives.
31235 -- Abba Eban
31236%
31237Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
31238 Population density is inversely proportional
31239 to the square of the distance from the keg.
31240%
31241Kaufman's Law:
31242 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
31243 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
31244%
31245Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
31246 -- Mae West
31247%
31248Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
31249%
31250Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
31251With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
31252Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
31253The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
31254Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
31255 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
31256%
31257Keep cool, but don't freeze.
31258 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
31259%
31260Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
31261%
31262Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
31263%
31264Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
31265 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
31266 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
31267 force is technically termed "car suck").
31268 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
31269 than "Watch this!"
31270 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
31271 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
31272 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
31273 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
31274 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
31275 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
31276 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
31277 in the head and knock you silly.
31278%
31279Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
31280 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
31281 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
31282 force is technically termed "car suck").
31283 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
31284 than "Watch this!"
31285%
31286Keep it short for pithy sake.
31287%
31288Keep on keepin' on.
31289%
31290Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
31291small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
31292 -- Joe Bonanno
31293%
31294Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
31295 -- D. Gries
31296%
31297Keep the phase, baby.
31298%
31299Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
31300%
31301Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
31302you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
31303at the end of six months.
31304 -- Moore
31305%
31306Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
31307%
31308Keep your Eye on the Ball,
31309Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
31310Your Nose to the Grindstone,
31311Your Feet on the Ground,
31312Your Head on your Shoulders.
31313Now... try to get something DONE!
31314%
31315Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
31316 -- Benjamin Franklin
31317%
31318Keep your laws off my body!
31319%
31320Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
31321Open it and you remove all doubt.
31322%
31323Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
31324automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
31325numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
31326driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
31327dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
31328what's wrong."
31329%
31330Kennedy's Market Theorem:
31331 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
31332 you've got to go broke.
31333%
31334Kent's Heuristic:
31335 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
31336%
31337kern, v:
31338 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
31339 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
31340 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
31341%
31342KERNEL:
31343 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
31344 traditions of sorcery and black art.
31345%
31346Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
31347 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
31348and parking for the faculty.
31349%
31350Kettering's Observation:
31351 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
31352%
31353Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
31354%
31355Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
31356travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
31357original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
31358teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
31359grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
31360teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
31361 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
31362%
31363Kill a commy for your mommy.
31364%
31365Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
31366%
31367Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
31368 -- Hindu saying
31369%
31370Kill Kill,
31371Hate Hate,
31372Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
31373%
31374Kill your parents.
31375 -- Jerry Rubin
31376%
31377Killing turkeys causes winter.
31378%
31379Kilroe hic erat!
31380%
31381Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
31382 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
31383%
31384Kin, n.:
31385 An affliction of the blood
31386%
31387Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
31388 -- Mark Twain
31389%
31390Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
31391 -- Muad'dib
31392%
31393Kington's Law of Perforation:
31394 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
31395 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
31396 part of the paper.
31397%
31398Kinkler's First Law:
31399 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
31400
31401Kinkler's Second Law:
31402 All the easy problems have been solved.
31403%
31404Kirk to Enterprise...
31405%
31406Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
31407%
31408Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
31409any of its streets.
31410%
31411Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
31412%
31413Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
31414 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
31415%
31416Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
31417%
31418Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
31419%
31420Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
31421%
31422Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
31423%
31424Kissing don't last, cookery do.
31425 -- George Meredith
31426%
31427Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
31428sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
31429 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
31430%
31431Kitchen activity is highlighted.
31432Butter up a friend.
31433%
31434Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
31435 -- Winston Churchill
31436%
31437Klatu barada nikto.
31438%
31439Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
31440%
31441Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within.
31442%
31443Kleptomaniac, n.:
31444 A rich thief.
31445 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31446%
31447Kliban's First Law of Dining:
31448 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
31449%
31450Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
31451100% Damage to life support!!!!
31452%
31453Kludge, n:
31454 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
31455 distressing whole.
31456 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
31457%
31458Knebel's Law:
31459 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
31460 causes of statistics.
31461%
31462Knights are hardly worth it.
31463I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
31464%
31465Knock, knock!
31466 Who's there?
31467Sam and Janet.
31468 Sam and Janet who?
31469Sam and Janet Evening...
31470%
31471Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
31472[chorus]
31473 Yeay!
31474 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
31475 Stay on the Happy side of life!
31476 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
31477 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
31478 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
31479
31480Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
31481 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
31482Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
31483 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
31484Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
31485 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
31486Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
31487 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
31488Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
31489 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
31490%
31491Knocked, you weren't in.
31492 -- Opportunity
31493%
31494Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
31495
31496-- No?
31497
31498GOOD!
31499%
31500Know Thy User.
31501%
31502Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
31503%
31504Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
31505 -- Henry N. Camp
31506%
31507KNOWLEDGE:
31508 Things you believe.
31509%
31510Knowledge is power.
31511 -- Francis Bacon
31512%
31513Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
31514 -- Aleister Crowley
31515%
31516Knowledge without common sense is folly.
31517%
31518Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
31519Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
31520Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
31521Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
31522Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
31523%
31524Kramer's Law:
31525 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
31526%
31527Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
31528 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
31529 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
31530%
31531LA:
31532 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
31533 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
31534 From mud slides to brush fires.
31535%
31536Labor, n.:
31537 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
31538 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31539%
31540Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
31541%
31542Lack of money is the root of all evil.
31543 -- George Bernard Shaw
31544%
31545Lackland's Laws:
31546 1. Never be first.
31547 2. Never be last.
31548 3. Never volunteer for anything.
31549%
31550Lactomangulation, n.:
31551 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
31552 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
31553 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
31554%
31555La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
31556%
31557Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
31558Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
31559I come before you to stand behind you
31560To tell you of something I know nothing about.
31561Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
31562There will be a convention held in the
31563Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
31564Admission is free, pay at the door,
31565Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
31566It was a summer's day in winter,
31567And the snow was raining fast,
31568As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
31569Stood sitting in the grass.
31570Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
31571Two dead men got up to fight.
31572Three blind men to see fair play,
31573Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
31574Back to back, they faced each other,
31575Drew their swords and shot each other.
31576A deaf policeman heard the noise,
31577Came and arrested those two dead boys.
31578%
31579Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
31580boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
31581the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
31582under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
31583to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
31584her.
31585 -- Billie Jean King
31586%
31587Lady, lady, should you meet
31588One whose ways are all discreet,
31589One who murmurs that his wife
31590Is the lodestar of his life,
31591One who keeps assuring you
31592That he never was untrue,
31593Never loved another one...
31594Lady, lady, better run!
31595 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
31596%
31597Lady Luck brings added income today.
31598Lady friend takes it away tonight.
31599%
31600Lady Nancy Astor:
31601 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
31602Winston Churchill:
31603 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
31604
31605Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
31606disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
31607sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
31608
31609 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
31610luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
31611helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
31612 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
31613white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
31614 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
31615her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
31616you would pin this on your white meat."
31617%
31618Ladybug, ladybug,
31619Look to your stern!
31620Your house is on fire,
31621Your children will burn!
31622So jump ye and sing, for
31623The very first time
31624The four lines above
31625Have been put into rhyme.
31626 -- Walt Kelly
31627%
31628Laetrile is the pits.
31629%
31630Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
31631each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
31632%
31633Lake Erie died for your sins.
31634%
31635((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
31636%
31637Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
31638duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
31639table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
31640manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
31641of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
31642candy, and said:
31643 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
31644%
31645Langsam's Laws:
31646 (1) Everything depends.
31647 (2) Nothing is always.
31648 (3) Everything is sometimes.
31649%
31650Language is a virus from another planet.
31651 -- William Burroughs
31652%
31653Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
31654Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
31655Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
31656 20,000 women.
31657 -- Lank and Earl
31658%
31659Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
31660[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
31661honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
31662he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
31663 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
31664%
31665Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
31666performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
31667 -- Lord Kalvin
31668%
31669Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
31670 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
31671times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
31672twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
31673driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
31674Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
316751970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
31676reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
31677 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
31678%
31679Larkinson's Law:
31680 All laws are basically false.
31681%
31682LASER:
31683 Failed death ray.
31684%
31685Last guys don't finish nice.
31686 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
31687%
31688"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
31689had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to
31690my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
31691 -- Steven Wright
31692%
31693Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
31694the pillow was gone.
31695 -- Tommy Cooper
31696%
31697Last night I met upon the stair
31698A little man who wasn't there.
31699He wasn't there again today.
31700Gee how I wish he'd go away!
31701%
31702Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
31703The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
31704 -- Stephen Wright
31705%
31706Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
31707I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
31708%
31709Last week's pet, this week's special.
31710%
31711Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
31712every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
31713I don't remember what it was.
31714 -- Stephen Wright
31715%
31716Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
31717%
31718Latin is a language,
31719As dead as can be.
31720First it killed the Romans,
31721And now it's killing me.
31722%
31723Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
31724%
31725Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
31726%
31727Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
31728%
31729Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
31730%
31731Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
31732%
31733Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
31734%
31735Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
31736 -- Victor Borge
31737%
31738Laura's Law:
31739 No child throws up in the bathroom.
31740%
31741Lavish spending can be disastrous.
31742Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
31743%
31744Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
31745force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
31746 -- Richard M. Nixon
31747%
31748Law of Communications:
31749 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
31750 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
31751 area of misunderstanding.
31752%
31753Law of Continuity:
31754 Experiments should be reproducible.
31755 They should all fail the same way.
31756%
31757Law of Probable Dispersal:
31758 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
31759%
31760Law of Selective Gravity:
31761 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
31762
31763Jenning's Corollary:
31764 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
31765directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
31766%
31767Law of the Jungle:
31768 He who hesitates is lunch.
31769%
31770Law of the Yukon:
31771 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
31772%
31773Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
31774 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
31775%
31776Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
31777%
31778Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
31779%
31780Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
31781 -- Otto von Bismarck
31782%
31783Laws of Computer Programming:
31784 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
31785 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
31786 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
31787 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
31788 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
31789 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
31790 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
31791 the programmer who must maintain it.
31792%
31793Laws of Serendipity:
31794
31795 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
31796 something.
31797 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
31798 be engaged in making an inferior one.
31799%
31800LAWSUIT:
31801 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
31802 -- Ambrose Bierce
31803%
31804Lawyer's Rule:
31805 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
31806 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
31807 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
31808%
31809Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
31810 -- S. J. Perelman
31811%
31812Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
31813 -- Shakespeare
31814%
31815Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
31816The reason, you will see, no doubt,
31817Is to keep the lightning out.
31818But what these unobservant birds
31819Have failed to notice is that herds
31820Of bears may come with buns
31821And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
31822%
31823Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
31824 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
31825 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
31826%
31827LAZY:
31828 Marrying a pregnant woman.
31829%
31830Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
31831is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
31832smaller -- and there are many more of them.
31833 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
31834%
31835Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
31836%
31837Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
31838%
31839Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
31840%
31841Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
31842%
31843LEARNING CURVE:
31844 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
31845 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
31846 quicker you can do it.
31847%
31848Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
31849everything else follows in the same way.
31850 -- Alan J. Perlis
31851%
31852Learning without thought is labor lost;
31853thought without learning is perilous.
31854 -- Confucius
31855%
31856Leave no stone unturned.
31857 -- Euripides
31858%
31859Lee's Law:
31860 Mother said there would be days like this,
31861 but she never said that there'd be so many!
31862%
31863Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
31864%
31865Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
31866fun?
31867%
31868Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
31869 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
31870unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
31871drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
31872can."
31873%
31874Leibowitz's Rule:
31875 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
31876 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
31877%
31878Lemma: All horses are the same color.
31879Proof (by induction):
31880 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
31881 horses in that set are the same color.
31882 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
31883 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
31884 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
31885 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
31886 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
31887 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
31888 horses are the same color.
31889Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
31890Proof (by intimidation):
31891 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
31892 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
31893 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
31894 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
31895 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
31896 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
31897 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
31898 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
31899%
31900Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
31901%
31902Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
31903%
31904Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
31905%
31906LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
31907 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
31908 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
31909 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
31910%
31911LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31912 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
31913 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
31914 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
31915%
31916LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31917 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
31918 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
31919 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
31920 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
31921%
31922Lesbian QOTD:
31923I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
31924%
31925Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
31926 -- Publilius Syrus
31927%
31928Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
31929%
31930Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
31931 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
31932%
31933Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
31934number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
31935another number.
31936 -- James Estes
31937%
31938Let me not to the marriage of true minds
31939Admit impediments. Love is not love
31940Which alters when it alteration finds,
31941Or bends with the remover to remove:
31942O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
31943That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
31944It is the star to every wandering bark,
31945Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
31946Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
31947Within his bending sickle's compass come;
31948Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
31949But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
31950If this be error and upon me proved,
31951I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
31952%
31953Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
31954%
31955Let me take you a button-hole lower.
31956 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
31957%
31958Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
31959George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
31960wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
31961of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
31962praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
31963Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
31964in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
31965for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
31966around his neck.
31967 -- Dave Barry
31968%
31969Let no guilty man escape.
31970 -- U. S. Grant
31971%
31972Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
31973%
31974Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
31975 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
31976%
31977Let sleeping dogs lie.
31978 -- Charles Dickens
31979%
31980Let the machine do the dirty work.
31981 -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
31982%
31983Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
31984 -- James Thurber
31985%
31986Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
31987 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
31988%
31989Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
31990they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
31991 -- Capone
31992%
31993Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
31994 -- Benjamin Franklin
31995%
31996Let us go then you and I
31997while the night is laid out against the sky
31998like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
31999
32000"Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
32001 -- Ezra
32002%
32003Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
32004The muttering retreats
32005Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
32006And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
32007Streets that follow like a tedious argument
32008Of insidious intent
32009To lead you to an overwhelming question...
32010Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
32011 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
32012%
32013Let us live!!!
32014Let us love!!!
32015Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
32016
32017You first.
32018%
32019Let us never negotiate out of fear,
32020but let us never fear to negotiate.
32021 -- John F. Kennedy
32022%
32023Let us not look back in anger or forward
32024in fear, but around us in awareness.
32025 -- James Thurber
32026%
32027Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
32028%
32029Let us treat men and women well;
32030Treat them as if they were real;
32031Perhaps they are.
32032 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
32033%
32034Let your conscience be your guide.
32035 -- Pope
32036%
32037L'etat c'est moi.
32038[The state, that's me.]
32039 -- Louis XIV
32040%
32041Let's do it.
32042 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
32043%
32044Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
32045%
32046Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
32047relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
32048really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
32049For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
32050I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
32051Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
32052 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
32053%
32054Let's love each other slowly,
32055reaching for a plane,
32056of exquisite pleasure,
32057and delicate pain.
32058 -- Adam Beslove
32059%
32060Let's not complicate our relationship
32061by trying to communicate with each other.
32062%
32063Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
32064%
32065Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
32066 -- Austen Briggs
32067%
32068Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
32069hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
32070Anguish. You would sue:
32071
32072* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
32073 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
32074 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
32075 in there".
32076
32077* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
32078 cretin like yourself.
32079
32080* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
32081 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
32082 a large cash settlement anyway.
32083 -- Dave Barry
32084%
32085Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
32086overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
32087dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
32088tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
32089spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
32090money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
32091probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
32092It's not his money.
32093 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
32094%
32095LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
32096
32097Dear Sir,
32098
32099I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
32100to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
32101public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
32102in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
32103will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
32104agricultural industry.
32105
32106Yours faithfully,
32107 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
32108 Sevenoaks
32109%
32110LEVERAGE:
32111 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
32112 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
32113%
32114Leveraging always beats prototyping.
32115%
32116Lewis's Law of Travel:
32117 The first piece of luggage out of the
32118 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
32119%
32120L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
32121 -- L. Pasteur
32122%
32123Liar, n.:
32124 A lawyer with a roving commission.
32125 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32126%
32127Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
32128 -- Oliver Herford
32129%
32130LIBERAL:
32131 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
32132%
32133Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
32134trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
32135 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
32136%
32137Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
32138 -- The Best of Will Rogers
32139%
32140Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
32141 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
32142%
32143LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
32144 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
32145 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
32146 is watching you, so stop staring like that.
32147%
32148LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
32149 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
32150 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
32151 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
32152 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
32153 disease.
32154%
32155LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
32156 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
32157 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
32158 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
32159 of bed today.
32160%
32161Lie, n.:
32162 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
32163discovered to date.
32164%
32165Lieberman's Law:
32166 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
32167%
32168Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
32169 -- Ma Barker
32170%
32171LIFE:
32172 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
32173%
32174LIFE:
32175 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
32176%
32177LIFE:
32178 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
32179%
32180Life -- Love It or Leave It.
32181%
32182Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
32183 -- Miss November, 1966
32184%
32185Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
32186 -- Paul Gauguin
32187%
32188Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
32189%
32190Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
32191It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
32192%
32193Life exists for no known purpose.
32194%
32195Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
32196being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
32197thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
32198system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
32199 -- Valerie Solanas
32200%
32201Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
32202environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
32203round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
32204%
32205Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
32206out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
32207 -- Woody Allen
32208%
32209Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
32210 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
32211%
32212Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
32213important than something else. If what already is, is more important
32214than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
32215isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
32216 -- Werner Erhard
32217%
32218Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
32219%
32220Life is a glorious cycle of song,
32221A medley of extemporania;
32222And love is thing that can never go wrong;
32223And I am Marie of Roumania.
32224 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
32225%
32226Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
32227 -- Helen Keller
32228%
32229Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
32230%
32231Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
32232change his bed.
32233 -- Charles Baudelaire
32234%
32235Life is a series of rude awakenings.
32236 -- R. V. Winkle
32237%
32238Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
32239humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
32240 -- Clarence Darrow
32241%
32242Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
32243%
32244Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
32245%
32246Life is an exciting business, and most
32247exciting when it is lived for others.
32248%
32249Life is both difficult and time consuming.
32250%
32251Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
32252%
32253Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
32254%
32255Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
32256 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
32257%
32258Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
32259%
32260Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
32261%
32262Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
32263%
32264Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
32265 -- C. Schultz
32266%
32267"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
32268eat it nevertheless."
32269 -- Flaubert
32270%
32271"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
32272%
32273Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
32274%
32275Life is like a sewer.
32276What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
32277 -- Tom Lehrer
32278%
32279Life is like a simile.
32280%
32281Life is like a tin of sardines.
32282We're, all of us, looking for the key.
32283 -- Beyond the Fringe
32284%
32285Life is like an analogy
32286%
32287Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
32288you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
32289%
32290Life is like an onion: you peel it off
32291one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
32292 -- Carl Sandburg
32293%
32294Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
32295layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
32296 -- James Huneker
32297%
32298Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
32299going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
32300being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
32301%
32302Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
32303the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
32304%
32305Life is not for everyone.
32306%
32307Life is one long struggle in the dark.
32308 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
32309%
32310Life is the childhood of our immortality.
32311 -- Goethe
32312%
32313Life is the living you do,
32314Death is the living you don't do.
32315 -- Joseph Pintauro
32316%
32317Life is the urge to ecstasy.
32318%
32319Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
32320%
32321"Life is too important to take seriously."
32322 -- Corky Siegel
32323%
32324Life is too short to be taken seriously.
32325 -- Oscar Wilde
32326%
32327Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
32328 -- Storm Jameson
32329%
32330Life is wasted on the living.
32331 -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
32332%
32333Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
32334 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
32335%
32336Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
32337 -- Don Reed
32338%
32339"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
32340 -- Marvin, from
32341 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
32342%
32343Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
32344it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
32345%
32346Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
32347Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
32348 -- Dag Hammarskjold
32349%
32350Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
32351certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
32352I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
32353afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
32354absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
32355embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
32356%
32357Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
32358 -- Thomas J. Kopp
32359%
32360"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"
32361 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
32362%
32363Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
32364 -- Sanka Ad
32365%
32366"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
32367weren't for other people"
32368 -- Blore
32369%
32370Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
32371 -- Dave Olson
32372%
32373Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
32374 -- George Bernard Shaw
32375%
32376Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
32377%
32378Lift every voice and sing
32379Till earth and heaven ring,
32380Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
32381Let our rejoicing rise
32382High as the listening skies,
32383Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
32384
32385Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
32386Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
32387Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
32388Let us march on till victory is won.
32389 -- James Weldon Johnson
32390%
32391Lighten up, while you still can,
32392Don't even try to understand,
32393Just find a place to make your stand,
32394And take it easy.
32395 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
32396%
32397LIGHTHOUSE:
32398 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
32399 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
32400%
32401LIKE:
32402 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
32403%
32404Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
32405the difference between one young woman and another.
32406 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
32407%
32408Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
32409shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
32410as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
32411bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
32412she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
32413man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
32414right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
32415 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
32416
32417The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
32418see her little dog Pritzi again.
32419 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
32420
32421It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
32422tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
32423was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
32424 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
32425
32426Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
32427named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
32428night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
32429worst possible novel.
32430%
32431Like corn in a field I cut you down,
32432I threw the last punch way too hard,
32433After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
32434To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
32435And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
32436I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
32437And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
32438And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
32439I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
32440 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
32441 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
32442 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
32443 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
32444 You know I can't think straight no more
32445 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
32446 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
32447 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
32448%
32449Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
32450weren't so damned great!
32451 -- Armistead Maupin
32452%
32453Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
32454if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
32455now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
32456like the Rolling Stones?
32457 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
32458 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
32459%
32460Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
32461It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
32462over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
32463His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
32464other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
32465religions.
32466 -- Benjamin Spock
32467%
32468Like punning, programming is a play on words.
32469%
32470Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
32471a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
32472 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
32473%
32474Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
32475for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
32476 -- Alan McKay
32477%
32478Like the time I ran away...
32479And turned around and you were standing close to me.
32480 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
32481%
32482Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
32483%
32484Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
32485creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
32486essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
32487the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
32488rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
32489 -- Senior Year Quote
32490%
32491Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
32492place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
32493
32494 Q -- Is there life after death?
32495 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
32496Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
32497then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
32498fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
32499spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
32500headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
32501to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
32502guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
32503as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
32504 -- Dave Barry
32505%
32506Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
32507wins few friends, Germans excepted.
32508 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
32509%
32510Limericks are art forms complex,
32511Their topics run chiefly to sex.
32512 They usually have virgins,
32513 And masculine urgin's,
32514And other erotic effects.
32515%
32516Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
32517Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
32518
32519Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
32520Kennedy in November 1960.
32521
32522Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
32523the theatre.
32524Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
32525to Dallas.
32526
32527Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
32528Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
32529
32530Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
32531Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
32532
32533The first Johnson was born in 1808.
32534The second Johnson was born in 1908.
32535
32536 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001
32537%
32538Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
32539%
32540"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
32541Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
32542
32543Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
32544in it he found that the damned things diverged.
32545 -- Piet Hein
32546%
32547Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
32548 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
32549Snoopy: That's nice to know.
32550 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
32551%
32552Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
32553 Maybe we should think only about today.
32554Charlie Brown:
32555 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
32556 will get better.
32557%
32558Linus' Law:
32559 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
32560%
32561Lions in the street and roaming,
32562Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
32563A beast caged in the heart of the city.
32564The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
32565He fled the town.
32566Went down south across the border,
32567Left the chaos and disorder
32568Back there, over his shoulder.
32569One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
32570A strange creature groaning beside him.
32571Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
32572Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
32573 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
32574%
32575LISP:
32576 To call a spade a thpade.
32577%
32578Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
32579Lisp Machine is Fun.
32580Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
32581Fun for everyone.
32582%
32583Lisp Users:
32584Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
32585%
32586Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
32587the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
32588but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
32589right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
32590But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
32591bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
32592This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
32593their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
32594that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
32595just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
32596a panacea so alleged.
32597 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the
32598 government been lacking in courage and boldness in
32599 facing up to the recession?"
32600%
32601Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
32602is the other way round.
32603 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
32604%
32605Littering is dumb.
32606 -- Ronald Macdonald
32607%
32608Little Fly,
32609Thy summer's play If thought is life
32610My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
32611Has brush'd away. And the want
32612 Of thought is death,
32613Am not I
32614A fly like thee? Then am I
32615Or art not thou A happy fly
32616A man like me? If I live
32617 Or if I die.
32618
32619For I dance
32620And drink & sing,
32621Till some blind hand
32622Shall brush my wing.
32623 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
32624%
32625Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
32626 -- Lazarus Long
32627%
32628Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
32629sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
32630%
32631Little Known Facts, #23:
32632 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
32633 the BMW repair garage?
32634%
32635Little Mary on the ice,
32636Went out to have a frisk,
32637Now wasn't little Mary nice,
32638Her pretty *?
32639%
32640Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
32641 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
32642%
32643Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
32644 -- James Dean
32645%
32646Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
32647%
32648Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
32649%
32650Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
32651published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
32652 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
32653%
32654Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
32655 -- Josh Billings
32656%
32657Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
32658you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
32659 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
32660%
32661Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
32662What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
32663%
32664Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
32665What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
32666%
32667Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
32668 -- Candice Bergen
32669%
32670Living in New York City gives people real incentives
32671to want things that nobody else wants.
32672 -- Andy Warhol
32673%
32674Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
32675like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
32676%
32677Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
32678includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
32679%
32680LIVING YOUR LIFE:
32681 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
32682%
32683Lizzie Borden took an axe,
32684And plunged it deep into the VAX;
32685Don't you envy people who
32686Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
32687%
32688Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
32689 -- Henry David Thoreau
32690%
32691Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
32692interest rates, we don't need it."
32693%
32694Lobster:
32695 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
32696 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
32697 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
32698 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
32699 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
32700 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
32701 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
32702 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
32703 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
32704 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
32705 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
32706 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
32707 you and your friends will be, too.
32708 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances
32709 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
32710%
32711Lockwood's Long Shot:
32712 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
32713 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
32714%
32715Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
32716 -- Marvin Minsky
32717%
32718Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.
32719%
32720Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
32721%
32722Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
32723%
32724Logicians have but ill defined
32725As rational the human kind.
32726Logic, they say, belongs to man,
32727But let them prove it if they can.
32728 -- Oliver Goldsmith
32729%
32730LOGO for the Dead
32731
32732LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
32733"The Other Side."
32734
32735The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
32736turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
32737graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
32738side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
32739your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
32740interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
32741lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
32742Bulletin Board System).
32743
32744LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
32745from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
32746 -- '80 Microcomputing
32747%
32748Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
32749%
32750Lonely is a man without love.
32751 -- Englebert Humperdinck
32752%
32753Lonely men seek companionship.
32754Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
32755%
32756Lonesome?
32757
32758Like a change?
32759Like a new job?
32760Like excitement?
32761Like to meet new and interesting people?
32762
32763JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
32764%
32765Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
32766be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
32767The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
32768 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
32769%
32770Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
32771%
32772Long life is in store for you.
32773%
32774Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
32775long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
32776pain and his aloneness without regret?
32777 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
32778%
32779Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
32780%
32781Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
32782%
32783Look at it this way:
32784Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
32785home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
32786And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32787%
32788Look at it this way:
32789Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
32790forget $26,000 of college education.
32791And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32792%
32793Look before you leap.
32794 -- Samuel Butler
32795%
32796Look ere ye leap.
32797 -- John Heywood
32798%
32799Look out! Behind you!
32800%
32801Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
32802to pay income taxes, too?
32803 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
32804%
32805Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
32806con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
32807country was built.
32808 -- Hubert Allen
32809%
32810Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
32811 -- Stephen Sondheim
32812%
32813Loose bits sink chips.
32814%
32815Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
32816 -- Charles D'Hericault
32817%
32818Lord, what fools these mortals be!
32819 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
32820%
32821Losing your drivers' license is just
32822God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
32823%
32824Lost: gray and white female cat.
32825Answers to electric can opener.
32826%
32827Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
32828%
32829Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
32830%
32831Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
32832 -- Frank Hubbard
32833%
32834Lots of girls can be had for a song.
32835Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
32836%
32837Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
32838Halstead, Kansas.
32839%
32840Louie Louie, me gotta go
32841Louie Louie, me gotta go
32842
32843Fine little girl she waits for me
32844Me catch the ship for cross the sea
32845Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
32846Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
32847(chorus) On the ship I dream she there
32848 I smell the rose in her hair
32849Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
32850It won't be long, me see my love
32851I take her in my arms and then
32852Me tell her I never leave again
32853 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
32854%
32855LOVE:
32856 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
32857%
32858LOVE:
32859 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
32860%
32861LOVE:
32862 When, if asked to choose between your lover
32863 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
32864%
32865LOVE:
32866 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
32867%
32868LOVE:
32869 When you don't want someone too close--
32870 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
32871%
32872LOVE:
32873 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
32874%
32875Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
32876%
32877Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
32878%
32879Love America - or give it back.
32880%
32881Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
32882%
32883Love at first sight is one of the greatest
32884labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
32885%
32886Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
32887 -- Sigmund Freud
32888%
32889Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
32890 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
32891%
32892Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
32893Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
32894 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
32895%
32896Love is a grave mental disease.
32897 -- Plato
32898%
32899Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
32900 -- Matt Groening
32901%
32902Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
32903over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
32904 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
32905%
32906Love is a word that is constantly heard,
32907Hate is a word that is not.
32908Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
32909Love, I have read, is hot.
32910But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
32911And Love but a drug on the mart.
32912Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
32913But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
32914 -- Ogden Nash
32915%
32916Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
32917go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
32918arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
32919%
32920Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
32921with the ideal never goes unpunished.
32922 -- Goethe
32923%
32924Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
32925 -- Dr. Karl Bowman
32926%
32927Love is being stupid together.
32928 -- Paul Valery
32929%
32930Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
32931around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
32932Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
32933%
32934Love is in the offing.
32935 -- The Homicidal Maniac
32936%
32937Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
32938%
32939Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
32940pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
32941grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
32942and unquenchable.
32943 -- Bruce Lee
32944%
32945Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
32946 -- Jerome K. Jerome
32947%
32948Love is never asking why?
32949%
32950Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
32951%
32952Love is sentimental measles.
32953%
32954Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
32955%
32956Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
32957raises some pretty good questions.
32958 -- Woody Allen
32959%
32960Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
32961 -- H. L. Mencken
32962%
32963Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
32964pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
32965 -- Charles Baudelaire
32966%
32967Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
32968 -- M. Hirschfield
32969%
32970Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
32971 -- Saint Exupery
32972%
32973Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
32974 -- H. L. Mencken
32975%
32976Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
32977%
32978Love is what you've been through with somebody.
32979 -- James Thurber
32980%
32981Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
32982%
32983Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
32984 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
32985%
32986Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
32987momentum.
32988%
32989Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
32990 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
32991%
32992Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
32993%
32994Love means never having to say you're sorry.
32995 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
32996
32997That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
32998 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
32999%
33000Love means nothing to a tennis player.
33001%
33002Love tells us many things that are not so.
33003 -- Krainian Proverb
33004%
33005Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
33006%
33007Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
33008 -- Louise Beal
33009%
33010Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
33011%
33012Love to eat them mousies,
33013Mousies I love to eat.
33014Bite they little heads off,
33015Nibble at they tiny feet.
33016 -- Kliban
33017%
33018Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
33019 seized this one for the fair form
33020 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
33021Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
33022 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
33023 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
33024Love brought us to one death.
33025 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
33026%
33027Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
33028trying to figure out what you're up to.
33029%
33030Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
33031 -- Benjamin Franklin
33032%
33033Lowery's Law:
33034 If it jams -- force it. If it
33035 breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
33036%
33037LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
33038%
33039Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
33040 There's always one more bug.
33041%
33042Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
33043British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
33044Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
33045nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
33046don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
33047beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
33048%
33049Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
33050 -- Russell Banks
33051%
33052Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
33053 -- P. E. Trudeau
33054%
33055Lucky, adj:
33056 When you have a wife and a cigarette
33057 lighter -- both of which work.
33058%
33059Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
33060%
33061Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
33062 Can't you be serious for once?
33063Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
33064 of the more important things in life!
33065 (pause)
33066 Tomorrow!!
33067%
33068Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
33069 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
33070%
33071Lunatic Asylum, n.:
33072 The place where optimism most flourishes.
33073%
33074Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
33075 -- Bergan Evans
33076%
33077Lysistrata had a good idea.
33078%
33079Ma Bell is a mean mother!
33080%
33081MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
33082%
33083"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
33084"What about X?"
33085"I said `intellectual'."
33086 ;login, 9/1990
33087%
33088Machine-Independent, adj.:
33089 Does not run on any existing machine.
33090%
33091Machine-independent program:
33092 A program that will not run on any machine.
33093%
33094Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
33095and play games -- but not with pleasure.
33096 -- Leo Rosten
33097%
33098Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
33099 -- Andy Warhol
33100%
33101Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
33102repairman arrives.
33103%
33104macho, adj.:
33105 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
33106%
33107Macho does not prove mucho.
33108 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
33109%
33110Mad, adj.:
33111 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
33112 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33113%
33114Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
33115if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
33116 -- W.C. Fields
33117%
33118Madison's Inquiry:
33119 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
33120%
33121Madness takes its toll.
33122%
33123MAFIA, n:
33124 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
33125Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
33126subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
33127rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
33128reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
33129operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
33130MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
33131variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
33132security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
33133more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
33134imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
33135options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
33136Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
33137powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
33138entire nodal aggravations.
33139 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
33140%
33141Magary's Principle:
33142 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
33143 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
33144 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
33145%
33146Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
33147%
33148Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
33149
33150Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
33151
33152The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
33153of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
33154with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
33155knowledge.
33156 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33157%
33158Magnocartic, adj:
33159 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
33160 carts.
33161 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
33162%
33163Magpie, n.:
33164 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
33165 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
33166 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33167%
33168MAIDEN AUNT:
33169 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
33170%
33171Maiden, n:
33172 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
33173 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
33174 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
33175 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
33176 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
33177 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
33178 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
33179 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
33180
33181Male, n:
33182 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
33183 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
33184 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
33185 -- Ambrose Bierce
33186%
33187Maier's Law:
33188 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
33189 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
33190
33191Corollaries:
33192 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
33193 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
33194 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
33195 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
33196%
33197Main's Law:
33198 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
33199%
33200Maintainer's Motto:
33201 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
33202%
33203Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
33204Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
33205Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
33206%
33207Major premise:
33208 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
33209Minor premise:
33210 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
33211Conclusion:
33212 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
33213
33214Secondary Conclusion:
33215 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
33216 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
33217%
33218Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
33219 as one man.
33220
33221Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
33222
33223Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
33224 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33225%
33226Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
33227 -- Robert Moses
33228%
33229Majority, n.:
33230 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
33231%
33232Make a wish, it might come true.
33233%
33234Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
33235%
33236Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
33237%
33238Make it right before you make it faster.
33239%
33240Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
33241 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
33242%
33243Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
33244%
33245Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
33246%
33247Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
33248tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
33249been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
33250message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
33251 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
33252%
33253Malek's Law:
33254 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
33255%
33256MALPRACTICE:
33257 The reason surgeons wear masks.
33258%
33259MAN:
33260 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
33261 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
33262 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
33263 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
33264 the whole habitable earth and Canada.
33265 -- A. Bierce
33266%
33267Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
33268 joke?"
33269
33270Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
33271
33272Man 1: ______TIMING!
33273%
33274Man and wife make one fool.
33275%
33276Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
33277 -- Wernher von Braun
33278%
33279Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
33280he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
33281all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
33282time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
33283far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
33284 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
33285%
33286Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
33287 -- Fred Allen
33288%
33289Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
33290%
33291Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
33292 -- Lily Tomlin
33293%
33294Man is a military animal,
33295Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
33296 -- P. J. Bailey
33297%
33298Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
33299to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
33300 -- Oscar Wilde
33301%
33302Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
33303no dog exchanges bones with another.
33304 -- Adam Smith
33305%
33306Man is by nature a political animal.
33307 -- Aristotle
33308%
33309Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
33310and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
33311 -- Wernher von Braun
33312%
33313Man is the measure of all things.
33314 -- Protagoras
33315%
33316Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
33317 -- Mark Twain
33318%
33319Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
33320with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
33321 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
33322%
33323Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
33324for he is the only animal that is struck with the
33325difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
33326 -- William Hazlitt
33327%
33328Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
33329 -- Arthur R. Miller
33330%
33331Man, n.:
33332 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
33333he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
33334occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
33335however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
33336habitable earth and Canada.
33337 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33338%
33339Man proposes, God disposes.
33340 -- Thomas a Kempis
33341%
33342Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
33343is an enemy.
33344 -- Albert Einstein
33345%
33346Man who arrives at party two hours late
33347will find he has been beaten to the punch.
33348%
33349Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
33350%
33351Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
33352%
33353Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
33354%
33355Man will never fly.
33356Space travel is merely a dream.
33357All aspirin is alike.
33358%
33359Management: How many feet do mice have?
33360Reply: Mice have four feet.
33361M: Elaborate!
33362R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
33363M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
33364R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
33365M: What? Feet with no legs?
33366R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
33367M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
33368R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
33369M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
33370R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
33371 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
33372 is not equipped with a foot.
33373M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
33374R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
33375 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
33376 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
33377M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
33378R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
33379 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
33380 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
33381 ornamental in nature.
33382M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
33383R: Mice have four feet.
33384%
33385MANAGEMENT:
33386 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
33387%
33388MANAGER:
33389 A man known for giving great meeting.
33390%
33391Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
33392Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
33393 don't think, right?"
33394 -- Dr. Who
33395%
33396man-hour, n:
33397 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
33398%
33399MANIC-DEPRESSIVE:
33400 Easy glum, easy glow.
33401%
33402Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
33403 -- Plotinus
33404%
33405Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
33406dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
33407man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
33408air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
33409primitive umpire.
33410
33411What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
33412mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
33413 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
33414%
33415Manly's Maxim:
33416 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
33417 with confidence.
33418%
33419Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
33420%
33421Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
33422%
33423Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
33424conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
33425 -- Sydney J. Harris
33426%
33427manual, n:
33428 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
33429 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
33430 you need is in the others.
33431 -- Ray Simard
33432%
33433Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
33434 -- George M. Cohan
33435%
33436Many a family tree needs trimming.
33437%
33438Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
33439is not so. It is so. It is not so.
33440 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
33441%
33442Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
33443get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
33444 -- Finley Peter Dunne
33445%
33446Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
33447can easily support two or more.
33448%
33449Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
33450except when he can't understand his own meaning.
33451 -- George D. Prentice
33452%
33453Many are called, few are chosen.
33454Fewer still get to do the choosing.
33455%
33456Many are called, few volunteer.
33457%
33458Many are cold, but few are frozen.
33459%
33460Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
33461%
33462Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
33463certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
33464devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
33465their data processing systems.
33466 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
33467%
33468Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
33469weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
33470weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
33471but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
33472he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
33473 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
33474%
33475Many hands make light work.
33476 -- John Heywood
33477%
33478Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
33479%
33480Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
33481the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
33482fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
33483Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
33484read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
33485by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
33486are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
33487successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
33488should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
33489while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
33490 -- Francis Galton, 1909
33491%
33492Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
33493tricks on me and treating me badly.
33494 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
33495%
33496Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
33497life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
33498 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
33499%
33500Many pages make a thick book.
33501%
33502Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
33503thin paper.
33504%
33505Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
33506which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
33507%
33508Many people are secretly interested in life.
33509%
33510Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
33511%
33512Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
33513%
33514Many people feel that if you won't let
33515them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
33516%
33517Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
33518recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
33519%
33520Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
33521%
33522Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
33523 -- Bertrand Russell
33524%
33525Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
33526%
33527Many receive advice, few profit by it.
33528 -- Publilius Syrus
33529%
33530Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
33531there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
33532was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
33533completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
33534 -- Walt Kelly
33535%
33536Margaret, are you grieving
33537Over Goldengrove unleaving?
33538Leaves, like the things of man,
33539You, with your fresh thoughts
33540Care for, can you?
33541Ah! as the heart grows older
33542It will come to such sights colder
33543By and by, nor spare a sigh
33544Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
33545And yet you will weep and know why.
33546Now no matter, child, the name
33547Sorrow's springs are the same:
33548It is the blight man was born for,
33549It is Margaret you mourn for.
33550 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
33551%
33552Marigold: Jealousy
33553Mint: Virute
33554Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
33555Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
33556Pansy: Thoughts
33557Peach blossom: I am your captive
33558Petunia: Your presence soothes me
33559Poppy: Sleep
33560Rose, any color: Love
33561Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
33562Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
33563Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
33564Rose, white: I am worthy of you
33565Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
33566Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
33567Rosemary: Remembrance
33568Sunflower: Haughtiness
33569Tulip, red: Declaration of love
33570Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
33571Violet, blue: Faithfulness
33572Violet, white: Modesty
33573Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
33574 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
33575%
33576Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
33577%
33578Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
33579who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
33580it in order to protect themselves.
33581 -- Lenny Bruce
33582%
33583Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
33584 Dentists are incapable of asking questions
33585 that require a simple yes or no answer.
33586%
33587MARRIAGE:
33588 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
33589 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
33590 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
33591%
33592MARRIAGE:
33593 Convertible bonds.
33594%
33595Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
33596insincerity possible between two human beings.
33597 -- Vicki Baum
33598%
33599Marriage causes dating problems.
33600%
33601Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
33602 -- Edmond About
33603%
33604Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
33605%
33606Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
33607not ready for an institution yet.
33608 -- Mae West
33609%
33610Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
33611surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
33612 -- James Garner
33613%
33614Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
33615%
33616Marriage is a three ring circus:
33617engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
33618 -- Roger Price
33619%
33620Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
33621to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
33622%
33623Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
33624exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
33625in the brewery.
33626 -- George Jean Nathan
33627%
33628Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
33629%
33630Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
33631chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
33632%
33633Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
33634 -- Baskins
33635%
33636Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
33637burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
33638 -- Calvin Trillin
33639%
33640Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
33641 -- Voltaire
33642%
33643Marriage is the process of finding out what
33644kind of man your wife would have preferred.
33645%
33646Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
33647%
33648Marriage, n:
33649 The evil aye.
33650%
33651Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
33652 -- John Lyly
33653%
33654Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
33655%
33656MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
33657connected by a thin strand.
33658
33659Come on, Marta, grow up.
33660 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
33661%
33662MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
33663of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
33664territory from invasion by another group."
33665
33666"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
33667 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
33668%
33669Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
33670Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
33671 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
33672%
33673'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
33674 -- George Bernard Shaw
33675%
33676Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
33677What a finely tuned response to the situation!
33678%
33679Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
33680and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
33681Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
33682grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
33683 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
33684named a drink Fred?"
33685%
33686Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
33687 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
33688%
33689Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
33690And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
33691It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
33692It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
33693She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
33694And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
33695It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
33696The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
33697The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
33698Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
33699Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
33700So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
33701 -- Alma Garcia
33702%
33703Maryann's Law:
33704 You can always find what you're not looking for.
33705%
33706Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
33707the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
33708dancing.
33709 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
33710%
33711Maslow's Maxim:
33712 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
33713 you treat everything like a nail.
33714%
33715Mason's First Law of Synergism:
33716The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
33717%
33718Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
33719%
33720Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
33721 -- Christopher Hampton
33722%
33723Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
33724 -- Monty Python
33725%
33726Mater artium necessitas.
33727 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
33728%
33729Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
33730 -- Malcolm Smith
33731%
33732MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
33733 Please, don't drink and derive.
33734
33735 Mathematicians
33736 Against
33737 Drunk
33738 Deriving
33739%
33740Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
33741 -- R. Drabek
33742%
33743mathematician, n:
33744 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
33745%
33746Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
33747into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
33748 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
33749%
33750Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
33751described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
33752play.
33753 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
33754 James Blish
33755%
33756Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
33757 -- Henry Adams
33758%
33759Mathematicians take it to the limit.
33760%
33761Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
33762to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
33763 -- Albert Einstein
33764%
33765Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
33766one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
33767 -- Russell
33768%
33769Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
33770a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
33771part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
33772yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
33773greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
33774of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
33775to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
33776 -- Bertrand Russell
33777%
33778Matrimony is the root of all evil.
33779%
33780Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
33781%
33782Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
33783nor can it be returned without a receipt.
33784%
33785Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
33786%
33787[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
33788where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
33789more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
33790 -- S. Kierkegaard
33791%
33792Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
33793 -- Jules Feiffer
33794%
33795Matz's Law:
33796 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
33797%
33798May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
33799versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
33800%
33801May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
33802%
33803May all your PUSHes be POPped.
33804%
33805May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
33806%
33807May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
33808%
33809May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
33810%
33811May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
33812%
33813May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
33814God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
33815he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
33816%
33817May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
33818%
33819May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
33820%
33821May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
33822%
33823May you have warm words on a cold evening,
33824a full moon on a dark night,
33825and a smooth road all the way to your door.
33826%
33827May you live in uninteresting times.
33828 -- Chinese proverb
33829%
33830May your camel be as swift as the wind.
33831%
33832May your SO always know when you need a hug.
33833%
33834May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
33835Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
33836%
33837Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
33838lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
33839 -- Will Rogers
33840%
33841Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
33842 -- R. S. Barton
33843%
33844Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
33845earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
33846 -- Lazarus Long
33847%
33848"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
33849%
33850"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
33851other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
33852had to seek professional help."
33853%
33854Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
33855these days you can certainly charge it.
33856%
33857May's Law:
33858 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
33859 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
33860%
33861McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
33862%
33863McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
33864 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
33865 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
33866%
33867McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
33868 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
33869$19.95.
33870%
33871Meader's Law:
33872 Whatever happens to you, it will previously
33873 have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
33874%
33875Meade's Maxim:
33876Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
33877just like everyone else.
33878%
33879Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
33880Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
33881[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
33882AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
33883[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
33884Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
33885Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
33886Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
33887Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
33888Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
33889Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
33890Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
33891"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
33892Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
33893Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
33894Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
33895Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
33896Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
33897%
33898Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
33899has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
33900moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
33901magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
33902have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
33903get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
33904of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
33905oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
33906hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
33907venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
33908bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
33909aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
33910arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
33911of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
33912to mouth...
33913%
33914Measure twice, cut once.
33915%
33916Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
33917 -- Frederick Crane
33918%
33919Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
33920%
33921Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
33922%
33923meeting, n:
33924 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
33925 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
33926%
33927MEETINGS:
33928 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
33929%
33930Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
33931corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
33932in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
33933 -- Dave Barry
33934%
33935MEMO:
33936 An interoffice communication too often written more for
33937 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
33938 who receives it.
33939%
33940MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
33941remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
33942drive and drive.
33943
33944I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
33945smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
33946played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
33947some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
33948
33949I guess some things never leave you.
33950 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
33951%
33952Memory fault -- brain fried
33953%
33954Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
33955%
33956Memory fault - where am I?
33957%
33958Memory should be the starting point of the present.
33959%
33960Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
33961 -- Marilyn Monroe
33962%
33963Men are superior to women.
33964 -- The Koran
33965%
33966Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
33967 -- Jayne Mansfield
33968%
33969Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
33970They're attracted by what I don't mind...
33971 -- Gypsy Rose Lee
33972%
33973Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
33974 -- Julius Caesar
33975%
33976Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
33977thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
33978 -- H. L. Mencken
33979%
33980Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
33981rights as women have of their wrongs.
33982 -- E. W. Howe
33983%
33984Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
33985%
33986Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
33987%
33988Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
33989from religious conviction.
33990 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens�es", 1670
33991%
33992Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
33993 -- Dorothy Parker
33994%
33995Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
33996pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
33997 -- Winston Churchill
33998%
33999Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
34000 -- Leonardo da Vinci
34001%
34002Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
34003%
34004Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
34005at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
34006%
34007Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
34008pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
34009and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
34010inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
34011sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
34012and acts that are contrary to habit...
34013 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
34014%
34015Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
34016 -- DeSegur
34017%
34018Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
34019%
34020Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
34021%
34022Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
34023 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
34024%
34025Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
34026and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
34027 -- Voltaire
34028%
34029Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
34030from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
34031Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
34032before. Thus was the Empire forged.
34033 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
34034%
34035Men who cherish for women the highest
34036respect are seldom popular with them.
34037 -- Joseph Addison
34038%
34039Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
34040 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
34041%
34042Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
34043 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
34044cork makes when it is popped.
34045%
34046Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
34047 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
34048%
34049Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
34050 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
34051is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
34052never hope to acquire it.
34053%
34054Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
34055%
34056Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
34057it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
34058very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
34059tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
34060 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
34061 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
34062 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
34063... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
34064cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
34065billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even
34066more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a
34067fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
34068older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
34069obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
34070window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
34071hotshot cells moving up from below.
34072 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
34073%
34074Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
34075corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
34076favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
34077 -- Piers Anthony
34078%
34079Mental things which have not gone in through the
34080senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
34081 -- Leonardo
34082%
34083Menu, n.:
34084 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
34085%
34086Meskimen's Law:
34087 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
34088 do it over.
34089%
34090MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
34091%
34092Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
34093%
34094Message will arrive in the mail.
34095Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
34096%
34097METEOROLOGIST:
34098 One who doubts the established fact that it is
34099 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
34100%
34101Metermaids eat their young.
34102%
34103methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
34104ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
34105phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
34106taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
34107glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
34108nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
34109minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
34110cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
34111leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
34112cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
34113lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
34114sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
34115cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
34116nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
34117nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
34118partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
34119glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
34120valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
34121cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
34122nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
34123rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
34124glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
34125sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
34126lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
34127glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
34128 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
34129 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
34130 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
34131%
34132Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
34133%
34134MICRO:
34135 Thinker toys.
34136%
34137Micro Credo:
34138 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
34139%
34140Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
34141%
34142"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
34143watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
34144%
34145Microwaves frizz your heir.
34146%
34147Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
34148%
34149Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
34150get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
34151 -- Casablanca
34152%
34153Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
34154Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
34155 inconsiderate."
34156 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
34157%
34158Miksch's Law:
34159 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
34160%
34161Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
34162%
34163Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
34164 -- Groucho Marx
34165%
34166Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
34167 -- Groucho Marx
34168%
34169Miller's Slogan:
34170 Lose a few, lose a few.
34171%
34172millihelen, adj:
34173 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
34174%
34175Millions long for immortality who do not know what
34176to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
34177 -- Susan Ertz
34178%
34179Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
34180almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
34181they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
34182President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
34183lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
34184stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
34185Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
34186Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
34187the gold and the black.
34188 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
34189%
34190Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
34191particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
34192to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
34193But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
34194shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
34195me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
34196%
34197"Mind if I smoke?"
34198 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
34199%
34200"Mind if I smoke?"
34201 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
34202%
34203Mind your own business, Spock.
34204I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
34205%
34206Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
34207%
34208Minicomputer:
34209 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
34210 manager.
34211%
34212Minnesota --
34213 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
34214 mosquito supplier to the free world.
34215 come fall in love with a loon.
34216 where visitors turn blue with envy.
34217 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
34218 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
34219 where the elite meet sleet.
34220 glove it or leave it.
34221 many are cold, but few are frozen.
34222 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
34223 land of 10,000 Petersons.
34224%
34225Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
34226%
34227Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
34228pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
34229%
34230MIPS:
34231 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
34232%
34233Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
34234 -- Jean Cocteau
34235%
34236Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
34237%
34238Misery no longer loves company.
34239Nowadays it insists on it.
34240 -- Russell Baker
34241%
34242Misfortune, n.:
34243 The kind of fortune that never misses.
34244 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34245%
34246Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
34247%
34248Miss, n.:
34249 A title with which we brand unmarried
34250 women to indicate that they are in the market.
34251 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34252%
34253Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
34254%
34255Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
34256%
34257MIT:
34258 The Georgia Tech of the North
34259%
34260Mitchell's Law of Committees:
34261 Any simple problem can be made insoluble
34262 if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
34263%
34264mittsquinter, adj:
34265 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
34266 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
34267 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
34268%
34269Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
34270it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
34271 -- Horace
34272%
34273mixed emotions:
34274 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
34275 With five empty seats.
34276%
34277Mix's Law:
34278 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
34279 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
34280%
34281Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
34282%
34283MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
34284
34285 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
342862 cups water 2 cups sugar
342872 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
34288 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
34289 Cinnamon
34290
34291Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
34292RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
34293and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
34294juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
34295with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
34296crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
34297steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
34298is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
34299 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
34300%
34301Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
34302 -- P. J. Denning
34303%
34304modem, adj:
34305 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
34306 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
34307%
34308Moderation in all things.
34309 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
34310%
34311Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
34312 -- Oscar Wilde
34313%
34314Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
34315themselves that they have a better idea.
34316 -- John Ciardi
34317%
34318Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
34319%
34320Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
34321function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
34322other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
34323brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
34324Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
34325conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
34326is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
34327assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
34328Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
34329logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
34330 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior:
34331 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949
34332%
34333MODESTY:
34334 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
34335%
34336Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
34337 -- J. K. Galbraith
34338%
34339Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
34340 not to be aware of it.
34341 -- Oliver Herford
34342%
34343Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
34344Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
34345Moe: So?
34346Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
34347%
34348Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
34349Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
34350%
34351Moebius always does it on the same side.
34352%
34353Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
34354how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
34355The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
34356%
34357Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
34358in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
34359hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
34360the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
34361but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
34362So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
34363over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
34364the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
34365the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
34366awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
34367woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
34368 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
34369%
34370Molecule, n.:
34371 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
34372 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
34373 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
34374 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
34375 the atom in that it is an ion...
34376 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34377%
34378Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
34379 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
34380 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
34381%
34382MOMENTUM:
34383 What you give a person when they are going away.
34384%
34385Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
34386%
34387Mom's Law:
34388 When they finally do have to take you to the
34389 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
34390%
34391MONDAY:
34392 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
34393 -- Ambrose Bierce
34394%
34395Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
34396%
34397Monday, n.:
34398 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
34399 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34400%
34401Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
34402things we have.
34403 -- The Best of Will Rogers
34404%
34405Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
34406%
34407Money cannot buy
34408The fuel of love
34409but is excellent kindling.
34410
34411To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
34412Is a keen observer of life,
34413The word intellectual suggests right away
34414A man who's untrue to his wife.
34415 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
34416%
34417Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
34418awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
34419 -- C. B. Luce
34420%
34421Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
34422 -- Christopher Marlowe
34423%
34424Money doesn't talk, it swears.
34425 -- Bob Dylan
34426%
34427Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
34428 -- Lazarus Long
34429%
34430Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
34431%
34432Money is its own reward.
34433%
34434Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
34435%
34436Money is the root of all wealth.
34437%
34438Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
34439 -- Lazarus Long
34440%
34441Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
34442 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
34443%
34444Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
34445%
34446Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
34447puts you in a great bargaining position.
34448%
34449Money will say more in one moment than
34450the most eloquent lover can in years.
34451%
34452Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
34453 -- Andries van Dam
34454%
34455Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
34456 -- H. H. Munro
34457%
34458MONOTONY:
34459 Marriage to one woman at a time.
34460%
34461MONTANA:
34462 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
34463%
34464MONTANA:
34465 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
34466%
34467Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
34468in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
34469of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
34470 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
34471%
34472moon, n:
34473 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
34474hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
34475%
34476Moore's Constant:
34477 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
34478 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
34479%
34480mophobia, n:
34481 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
34482%
34483More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
34484 -- Vauvenargues
34485%
34486"More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
34487necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
34488blind stupidity"
34489 -- W. A. Wulf
34490%
34491More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
34492 -- R. S. Surtees
34493%
34494More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
34495%
34496More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
34497%
34498MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
34499The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
34500night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
34501waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
34502the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
34503broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
34504the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
34505At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
34506full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
34507%
34508More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
34509leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
34510Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
34511 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
34512%
34513Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
34514religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
34515One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
34516man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
34517just once?"
34518 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
34519nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
34520I just want to win one little lottery."
34521 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
34522least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
34523%
34524Morton's Law:
34525 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
34526%
34527Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
34528wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
34529 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
34530%
34531Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
34532 Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
34533 If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
34534%
34535MOSQUITO:
34536 The state bird of New Jersey.
34537%
34538Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
34539%
34540Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
34541because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
34542and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
34543eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
34544and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
34545female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
34546dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
34547by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
34548truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
34549them that it doesn't make any difference.
34550 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
34551 Teen Should Know"
34552%
34553Most folks they like the daytime,
34554 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
34555They're up in the morning,
34556 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
34557But when the sun goes down,
34558 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
34559
34560Now there are two sides to this great big world,
34561 and one of them is always night.
34562If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
34563 I guess you're gonna be all right.
34564Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
34565 My eyes just can't stand the light.
34566
34567'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
34568 -- Carly Simon
34569%
34570Most general statements are false, including this one.
34571 -- Alexander Dumas
34572%
34573Most of our lives are about proving something,
34574either to ourselves or to someone else.
34575%
34576Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
34577difficulties before we get to them.
34578 -- Dr. Frank Crane
34579%
34580...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
34581useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
34582hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
34583and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
34584lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
34585which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
34586speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
34587of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
34588has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
34589 -- Alix Kates Shulman
34590%
34591Most of your faults are not your fault.
34592%
34593Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
34594%
34595Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
34596they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
34597to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
34598moon.
34599 -- H. L. Mencken
34600%
34601Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
34602%
34603Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
34604than they do.
34605 -- Turgenev
34606%
34607Most people deserve each other.
34608 -- Shirley
34609%
34610Most people don't need a great deal of love
34611nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
34612%
34613Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
34614 -- E. W. Howe
34615%
34616Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
34617%
34618Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
34619only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
34620quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
34621 -- W. S. Maugham
34622%
34623Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
34624%
34625Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
34626a good reason, and the real reason.
34627%
34628Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
34629at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
34630 -- Susan Sontag
34631%
34632Most people need some of their problems
34633to help take their mind off some of the others.
34634%
34635Most people prefer certainty to truth.
34636%
34637Most people want either less corruption
34638or more of a chance to participate in it.
34639%
34640Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
34641if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
34642%
34643Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
34644 -- Frank Zappa
34645%
34646Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
34647%
34648Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
34649%
34650Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
34651can't talk for people who can't read.
34652 -- Frank Zappa
34653%
34654Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
34655%
34656Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
34657 -- Richard Lewis
34658%
34659MOTHER:
34660 Half a word.
34661%
34662Mother Earth is not flat!
34663%
34664Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
34665 -- Arnold Bennett
34666%
34667Mother is the invention of necessity.
34668%
34669Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
34670would be so many.
34671%
34672Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
34673%
34674Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
34675don't want them to become politicians in the process.
34676 -- John F. Kennedy
34677%
34678Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
34679Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
34680 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
34681%
34682Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
34683%
34684MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
34685%
34686Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
34687of the day.
34688%
34689Mr. Cole's Axiom:
34690 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
34691 population is growing.
34692%
34693Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
34694the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
34695shirts but they're going back.
34696%
34697Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
34698you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
34699%
34700Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
34701renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
34702at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
34703%
34704Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
34705Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
34706lessons or what?
34707%
34708Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
34709When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
34710wrong, "Up to a point."
34711 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
34712Yokohama isn't it?"
34713 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
34714 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
34715 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
34716 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
34717%
34718MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
34719 -- Henry Spencer
34720%
34721Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
34722consultants, and at some point you time them out.
34723 -- Craig Partridge
34724%
34725Much of the excitement we get out of our work
34726is that we don't really know what we are doing.
34727 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
34728%
34729Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
34730He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
34731"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
34732 be shared."
34733But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
34734First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
34735"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
34736But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
34737"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
34738 with prawns,
34739Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
34740But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
34741His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
34742And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
34743His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
34744And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
34745and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
34746None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
34747%
34748Multics is security spelled sideways.
34749%
34750"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
34751365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
34752Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
34753tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
34754smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
34755than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
34756An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
34757as much fun to watch.
34758 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
34759%
34760MUMMY:
34761 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
34762%
34763Mummy dust to make me old;
34764To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
34765To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
34766To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
34767A blast of wind to fan my hate;
34768A thunderbolt to mix it well --
34769Now begin thy magic spell!
34770 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
34771%
34772Mum's the word.
34773 -- Miguel de Cervantes
34774%
34775Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
34776 -- Xaviera Hollander
34777
34778[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
34779%
34780Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
34781talk about after dinner.
34782 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
34783%
34784Murphy was an optimist.
34785%
34786Murphy's Discovery:
34787 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
34788women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
34789will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
34790trouble!
34791%
34792Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
34793%
34794Murphy's Law of Research:
34795 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
34796%
34797Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
34798 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
34799%
34800Murphy's Laws:
34801 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
34802 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
34803 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
34804%
34805Murray's Rule:
34806 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
34807%
34808Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
34809 -- Lao Tsu
34810%
34811Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
34812%
34813Must I hold a candle to my shames?
34814 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
34815%
34816Mustgo, n.:
34817 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
34818long it has become a science project.
34819 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
34820%
34821My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
34822 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
34823%
34824My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
34825 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
34826Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
34827 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
34828'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
34829
34830And you know two heads are better than one.
34831%
34832My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
34833threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
34834First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
34835frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
34836the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
34837forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
34838perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
34839the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
34840crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
34841symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
34842in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
34843really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
34844OK.
34845 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
34846%
34847My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
34848
34849Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
34850they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
34851%
34852My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
34853The height of its contents to see!
34854She lit a small match to assist her,
34855Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
34856%
34857My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
34858to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
34859only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
34860a bulls-eye on the back.
34861
34862I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
34863said, "So will you."
34864 -- Rodney Dangerfield
34865%
34866My brain is my second favorite organ.
34867 -- Woody Allen
34868%
34869My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo
34870of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
34871 -- Steven Wright
34872%
34873My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
34874It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
34875 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
34876It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
34877 decimal points for the sake of precision.
34878Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
34879 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
34880It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
34881 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
34882It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
34883 over.
34884Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
34885 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
34886%
34887My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
34888nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
34889instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
34890a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
34891the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
34892turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
34893that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
34894just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
34895 -- Hunter S. Thompson
34896%
34897"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
34898of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother,
34899drunk or sober."
34900 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
34901%
34902My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
34903%
34904My darling wife was always glum.
34905I drowned her in a cask of rum,
34906And so made sure that she would stay
34907In better spirits night and day.
34908%
34909My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
34910Unless there are three other people.
34911 -- Orson Welles
34912%
34913My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
34914%
34915My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
34916beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
34917is going on.
34918 -- John F. Kennedy
34919%
34920My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
34921 -- Iphicrates
34922%
34923My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
34924your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
34925 -- Erich Maria Remarque
34926%
34927My father taught me three things:
34928 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
34929 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
34930 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
34931%
34932My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
34933missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
34934 -- E. B. White
34935%
34936My father was a saint, I'm not.
34937 -- Indira Gandhi
34938%
34939My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
34940and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
34941 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey
34942%
34943My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
34944Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
34945New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
34946and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
34947somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
34948 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
34949to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
34950 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
34951%
34952My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
34953but they were there to meet the boat.
34954%
34955My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
34956later I can ask him what he meant.
34957 -- Stephen Wright
34958%
34959My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
34960but always, always, he was right.
34961%
34962My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
34963she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
34964back and dig her up.
34965%
34966"My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
34967"Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
34968%
34969My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
34970as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
34971mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
34972I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
34973would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
34974%
34975My, how you've changed since I've changed.
34976%
34977My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
34978%
34979My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
34980%
34981My interest is in the future because I am
34982going to spend the rest of my life there.
34983%
34984"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
34985 -- MadameX
34986%
34987My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
34988 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
34989The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
34990 And the skies are sunlit for him.
34991As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
34992 As the fragrance of acacia.
34993My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
34994 And I wish he were in Asia.
34995 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
34996%
34997My love runs by like a day in June,
34998 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
34999He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
35000 In the pathway or the morrows.
35001He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
35002 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
35003My own dear love, he is all my heart --
35004 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
35005 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
35006%
35007My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
35008thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
35009 -- George Bernard Shaw
35010%
35011My mind can never know my body, although
35012it has become quite friendly with my legs.
35013 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
35014%
35015My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
35016 -- Crazy Jimmy
35017%
35018My mother loved children -- she would
35019have given anything if I had been one.
35020 -- Groucho Marx
35021%
35022My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
35023"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
35024For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
35025 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
35026%
35027My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
35028 -- Sue Murphy
35029%
35030My My, hey hey
35031Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
35032It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
35033Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
35034My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
35035
35036It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
35037They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
35038And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
35039When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
35040And into the black
35041 -- Neil Young
35042 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
35043%
35044My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
35045be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
35046%
35047My only love sprung from my only hate!
35048Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
35049 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
35050%
35051My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
35052%
35053My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
35054 -- Oscar Wilde
35055%
35056My own dear love, he is strong and bold
35057 And he cares not what comes after.
35058His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
35059 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
35060He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
35061 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
35062My own dear love, he is all my world --
35063 And I wish I'd never met him.
35064 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
35065%
35066My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
35067and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
35068reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
35069to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
35070we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
35071slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
35072from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
35073would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
35074 -- James A. Michener
35075%
35076"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!"
35077 -- Zippy the Pinhead
35078%
35079My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
35080%
35081My pen is at the bottom of a page,
35082Which, being finished, here the story ends;
35083'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
35084But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
35085 -- Byron
35086%
35087My philosophy is: Don't think.
35088 -- Charles Manson
35089%
35090My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
35091 -- Errol Flynn
35092
35093Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
35094 -- Errol Flynn
35095%
35096My rackets are run on strictly American
35097lines, and they're going to stay that way.
35098 -- A. Capone
35099%
35100My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
35101spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
35102with our frail and feeble mind.
35103 -- Albert Einstein
35104%
35105My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
35106hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
35107in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
35108character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
35109of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
35110Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
35111dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
35112to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
35113in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
35114-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
35115part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
35116right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
35117have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
35118exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
35119 -- Dave Barry
35120%
35121My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
35122reason to limit myself.
35123 -- Emo Philips
35124%
35125My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
35126She sells C shells by the seashore.
35127%
35128My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
35129I do not like me anymore,
35130I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
35131I ponder on the narrow house
35132I shudder at the thought of men
35133I'm due to fall in love again.
35134 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
35135%
35136My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
35137 -- Christopher Morley
35138%
35139My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
35140 -- George Gobel
35141%
35142My way of joking is to tell the truth.
35143That's the funniest joke in the world.
35144 -- Muhammad Ali
35145%
35146My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
35147%
35148Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
35149 -- Booth Tarkington
35150%
35151mythology, n:
35152 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
35153 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
35154 from the true accounts which it invents later.
35155 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35156%
35157Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
35158is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
35159returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
35160
35161So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
35162
35163Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
35164 "So, how's your daughter?"
35165 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
35166 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
35167 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
35168 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
35169 the doctor?"
35170 "Yes, that's her!"
35171 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
35172 "Yes, yes!"
35173 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
35174%
35175Nachman's Rule:
35176 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
35177 -- Gerald Nachman
35178%
35179Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
35180 -- '76 Olympics
35181%
35182Naeser's Law:
35183 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
35184damnfoolproof.
35185%
35186'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
35187Never odd or even.
35188A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
35189Madam, I'm Adam.
35190Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
35191 -- The Mad Palindromist
35192%
35193NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
35194 says is wrong.
35195GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
35196 will be right.
35197 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
35198%
35199narcolepulacyi, n:
35200 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
35201 to also yawn.
35202 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
35203%
35204Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
35205"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
35206goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
35207it."
35208%
35209Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
35210gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
35211only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
35212stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
35213asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
35214for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
35215he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
35216were spoken to.
35217%
35218Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
35219him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
35220shop?"
35221 "Of course."
35222 "Have you ever seen me before?"
35223 "Never."
35224 "Then how do you know it was me?"
35225%
35226Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
35227than the sun."
35228 "Why?", he was asked.
35229 "Because at night we need the light more."
35230%
35231Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
35232Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
35233his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
35234You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
35235%
35236National security is in your hands - guard it well.
35237%
35238Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
35239scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
35240 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
35241%
35242Natural laws have no pity.
35243%
35244Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
35245of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
35246drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
35247or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
35248can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
35249have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
35250for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
35251in every country.
35252 -- Hermann Goering
35253%
35254Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
35255of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
35256fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
35257creamed?
35258 -- Solomon Short
35259%
35260Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
35261 -- Clare Booth Luce
35262%
35263Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
35264%
35265Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
35266God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
35267
35268It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
35269Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
35270%
35271Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
35272given them little.
35273 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
35274%
35275Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
35276cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
35277 -- Fran Leibowitz
35278%
35279Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
35280tolerated until they acquire some sense.
35281 -- William Phelps
35282%
35283Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
35284And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
35285As on the land while here the ocean gains,
35286In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
35287Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
35288The solid power of understanding fails;
35289Where beams of warm imagination play,
35290The memory's soft figures melt away.
35291 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
35292%
35293Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
35294 -- Francis Bacon
35295%
35296Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
35297On the Rue des Ecoles
35298lived an old man
35299with a blind dog
35300Every evening I would see him
35301guiding the dog along
35302the sidewalk, keeping
35303a firm grip on the leash
35304so that the dog wouldn't
35305run into a passerby
35306Sometimes the dog would stop
35307and look up at the sky
35308Once the old man
35309noticed me watching the dog
35310and he said, "Oh, yes,
35311this one knows
35312when the moon is out,
35313he can feel it on his face"
35314 -- Barry Gifford
35315%
35316Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
35317want to test a man's character, give him power.
35318 -- Abraham Lincoln
35319%
35320Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
35321have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
35322 -- Brent Welch
35323%
35324Necessity has no law.
35325 -- St. Augustine
35326%
35327Necessity hath no law.
35328 -- Oliver Cromwell
35329%
35330Necessity is a mother.
35331%
35332"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
35333is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
35334 -- Alfred North Whitehead
35335%
35336Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
35337It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
35338 -- William Pitt, 1783
35339%
35340Neckties strangle clear thinking.
35341 -- Lin Yutang
35342%
35343Needs are a function of what other people have.
35344%
35345Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
35346 -- Napoleon
35347%
35348Neil Armstrong tripped.
35349%
35350Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
35351%
35352Nemo me impune lacessit
35353 [No one provokes me with impunity]
35354 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
35355%
35356nerd pack, n:
35357 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
35358 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
35359 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
35360 in his pack.
35361%
35362Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com
35363along at once.
35364%
35365Neuroses are red,
35366 Melancholia's blue.
35367I'm schizophrenic,
35368 What are you?
35369%
35370Neurotics build castles in the sky,
35371Psychotics live in them,
35372And psychiatrists collect the rent.
35373%
35374Neutrinos are into physicists.
35375%
35376Neutrinos have bad breadth.
35377%
35378neutron bomb, n:
35379 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
35380 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
35381 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
35382%
35383Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
35384 -- Linda Festa
35385%
35386Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
35387Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
35388 -- Lazarus Long
35389%
35390Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
35391%
35392Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
35393%
35394Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
35395%
35396Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
35397 -- Anonymous
35398%
35399Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
35400Professionals built the Titanic.
35401%
35402Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
35403%
35404Never buy from a rich salesman.
35405 -- Goldenstern
35406%
35407Never buy what you do not want
35408because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
35409 -- Thomas Jefferson
35410%
35411Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
35412%
35413Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
35414%
35415Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
35416%
35417Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
35418%
35419Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools
35420are available.
35421 -- Niklaus Wirth
35422%
35423Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
35424%
35425Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
35426with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
35427into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
35428window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
35429%
35430Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
35431%
35432Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
35433And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
35434 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
35435%
35436Never eat more than you can lift.
35437 -- Miss Piggy
35438%
35439Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
35440absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
35441%
35442Never explain. Your friends do not need it
35443and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
35444 -- Elbert Hubbard
35445%
35446Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
35447 -- Marlo Thomas
35448%
35449Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
35450%
35451Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
35452%
35453Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
35454%
35455Never give an inch!
35456%
35457Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
35458 -- Erma Bombeck
35459%
35460Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
35461 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
35462%
35463Never have children, only grandchildren.
35464 -- Gore Vidal
35465%
35466Never have so many understood so little about so much.
35467 -- James Burke
35468%
35469Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
35470%
35471Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
35472%
35473Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
35474 -- Billy Rose
35475%
35476Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
35477 -- Quentin Crisp
35478%
35479Never kick a man, unless he's down.
35480%
35481Never laugh at live dragons.
35482 -- Bilbo Baggins
35483%
35484Never leave anything to chance;
35485make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
35486%
35487Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
35488 -- Erma Bombeck
35489%
35490Never let someone who says it cannot be done
35491interrupt the person who is doing it.
35492%
35493Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
35494%
35495Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
35496 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
35497%
35498Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
35499 -- Saint Jerome
35500%
35501Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
35502%
35503Never make anything simple and efficient when a
35504way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
35505%
35506Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
35507 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
35508%
35509Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
35510%
35511Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
35512%
35513Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
35514%
35515Never promise more than you can perform.
35516 -- Publilius Syrus
35517%
35518Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
35519 -- D. Gries
35520%
35521Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
35522%
35523Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
35524%
35525Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
35526law against it by that time.
35527%
35528Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
35529unprotected.
35530 -- Robert Orben
35531%
35532Never reveal your best argument.
35533%
35534Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
35535%
35536Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
35537%
35538Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
35539%
35540Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
35541 -- Nelson Algren
35542%
35543Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
35544that subject.
35545 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
35546%
35547NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
35548%
35549Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
35550in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
35551tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
35552On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
35553 -- Lenny Bruce
35554%
35555Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
35556%
35557Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
35558do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
35559 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
35560%
35561Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
35562 -- Steinbach
35563%
35564Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
35565%
35566Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
35567%
35568Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
35569 -- John Dillinger
35570%
35571Never trust an operating system.
35572%
35573Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
35574%
35575Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
35576%
35577Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
35578sex to a virgin.
35579 -- Robert Heinlein
35580
35581(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
35582%
35583Never try to outstubborn a cat.
35584 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
35585%
35586Never try to teach a pig to sing.
35587It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
35588%
35589Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
35590 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
35591%
35592"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
35593%
35594Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
35595 -- Robert Heinlein
35596%
35597Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
35598there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
35599%
35600Never volunteer for anything.
35601 -- Lackland
35602%
35603Never worry about theory as long as the
35604machinery does what it's supposed to do.
35605 -- Robert A. Heinlein
35606%
35607new, adj:
35608 Different color from previous model.
35609%
35610New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
35611%
35612New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
35613%
35614New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
35615any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
35616%
35617New members are urgently needed in the Society
35618for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
35619%
35620New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
35621 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
35622%
35623New release:
35624 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
35625 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
35626 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
35627%
35628New systems generate new problems.
35629%
35630New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
35631age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
35632 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
35633%
35634New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
35635%
35636New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
35637whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
35638 -- David Letterman
35639%
35640New York-- to that tall skyline I come
35641Flyin' in from London to your door
35642New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
35643Where they say you should not wander after dark.
35644New York.
35645 -- Simon and Garfunkle
35646%
35647New York's got the ways and means;
35648Just won't let you be.
35649 -- The Grateful Dead
35650%
35651Newlan's Truism:
35652 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
35653 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
35654%
35655Newman's Discovery:
35656 Your best dreams may not come true;
35657 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
35658%
35659Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
35660print the chaff.
35661 -- Adlai Stevenson
35662%
35663NEWS FLASH!!
35664 Today the East German pole-vault champion
35665 became the West German pole-vault champion.
35666%
35667news: gotcha
35668%
35669NEWSFLASH!!
35670 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
356711700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
35672It was. Age 31.
35673%
35674Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
35675%
35676Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
35677 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
35678%
35679Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
35680As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
35681%
35682Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
35683 -- Foghorn Leghorn
35684%
35685Nice guys don't finish nice.
35686%
35687Nice guys finish last.
35688 -- Leo Durocher
35689%
35690Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
35691 -- Evan Davis
35692%
35693Nice guys get sick.
35694%
35695Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
35696 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
35697%
35698Nietzsche is pietzsche.
35699%
35700Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
35701%
35702Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
35703God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
35704 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
35705%
35706Nihilism should commence with oneself.
35707%
35708Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
35709name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
35710(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
35711but Americans call him by value.
35712%
35713Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
35714Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
35715Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
35716Three megs for system source;
35717
35718One disk to rule them all,
35719One disk to bind them,
35720One disk to hold the files
35721And in the darkness grind 'em.
35722%
35723Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
35724And tapes without any tracks;
35725Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
35726And tapes mixed up on the racks --
35727 Take hold of the tape
35728 And pull off the strip,
35729 And then you'll be sure
35730 Your tape drive will skip.
35731
35732 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
35733%
35734Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
35735 -- Henry Kissinger
35736%
35737Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
35738The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
35739 -- Augustine
35740%
35741Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
35742 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
35743 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
35744%
35745Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
35746that be and their friends hang out.
35747 -- Zonker Harris
35748%
35749Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
35750else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
35751the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
35752 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
35753%
35754No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
35755 -- Aesop
35756%
35757No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
35758%
35759No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
35760%
35761No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
35762absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
35763 -- Fran Lebowitz
35764%
35765No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
35766 -- William Blake
35767%
35768no brainer:
35769 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
35770 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
35771%
35772No character, however upright, is a match for
35773constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
35774 -- Alexander Hamilton
35775%
35776No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
35777 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
35778 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
35779 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
35780%
35781No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
35782camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
35783effectively under such difficult conditions.
35784 -- Laurence J. Peter
35785%
35786No directory.
35787%
35788No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
35789lectures which are really worth the attending.
35790 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
35791%
35792No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
35793on the grounds that it was human nature.
35794%
35795No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
35796 -- Dr. Who
35797%
35798No evil can happen to a good man.
35799 -- Plato
35800%
35801No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
35802 -- Aristotle
35803%
35804No extensible language will be universal.
35805 -- T. Cheatham
35806%
35807No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
35808no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
35809 -- Landor
35810%
35811No good deed goes unpunished.
35812 -- Clare Boothe Luce
35813%
35814No group of professionals meets except to
35815conspire against the public at large.
35816 -- Mark Twain
35817%
35818No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
35819he will not become a nuisance after three days.
35820 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
35821%
35822No guts, no glory.
35823%
35824No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
35825until three software guys have signed off for it.
35826 -- Andy Tanenbaum
35827%
35828No, his mind is not for rent
35829To any god or government.
35830Always hopeful, yet discontent,
35831He knows changes aren't permanent -
35832But change is.
35833%
35834No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
35835%
35836No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
35837It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
35838 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
35839%
35840No, I don't have a drinking problem.
35841I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
35842%
35843No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
35844just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
35845and Telegraph Company.
35846 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
35847 machine, 1943.
35848%
35849No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
35850 -- Sidney
35851%
35852"No job too big; no fee too big!"
35853 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
35854%
35855No line available at 300 baud.
35856%
35857No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
35858absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
35859Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
35860within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
35861Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
35862doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
35863of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
35864 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
35865%
35866no maintenance:
35867 Impossible to fix.
35868%
35869No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
35870interest in hair restorers.
35871 -- Austin O'Malley
35872%
35873No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
35874one peanut.
35875 -- Channing Pollock
35876%
35877No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
35878Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
35879Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
35880a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
35881me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
35882for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
35883 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
35884%
35885No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
35886%
35887No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
35888%
35889No man is useless who has a friend,
35890and if we are loved we are indispensable.
35891 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
35892%
35893No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
35894 -- E. W. Howe
35895%
35896No man's ambition has a right to stand in
35897the way of performing a simple act of justice.
35898 -- John Altgeld
35899%
35900No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
35901than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
35902 -- Lenin, 1918
35903%
35904No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
35905with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
35906But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
35907in the afternoons.
35908 -- Salvador Dali
35909%
35910No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
35911%
35912No matter how much you do you never do enough.
35913%
35914No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
35915signs of improvement.
35916 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
35917%
35918No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
35919cramp his style.
35920%
35921No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
35922%
35923No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
35924immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
35925%
35926No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
35927%
35928No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
35929the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
35930%
35931No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
35932th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
35933 -- Mr. Dooley
35934%
35935No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
35936unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
35937 -- Arthur Binstead
35938%
35939No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
35940all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
35941the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
35942republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
35943ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
35944every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
35945 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
35946%
35947No one becomes depraved in a moment.
35948 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
35949%
35950No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
35951%
35952No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
35953dirty little beast.
35954 -- W. S. Gilbert
35955%
35956No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
35957 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
35958%
35959No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
35960%
35961No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
35962%
35963"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
35964%
35965No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
35966 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
35967%
35968No one knows like a woman how to say
35969things that are at once gentle and deep.
35970 -- Hugo
35971%
35972No one knows what he can do till he tries.
35973 -- Publilius Syrus
35974%
35975No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
35976 -- Quintus Ennius
35977%
35978No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin!
35979 -- Snoopy
35980%
35981No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
35982one who's giving it.
35983 -- Hal Chadwick
35984%
35985NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
35986 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
35987%
35988No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
35989system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
35990the author.
35991 -- Chris Shaw
35992%
35993No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
35994For this isn't really the norm.
35995But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
35996So what? Any pork in a storm.
35997
35998No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
35999It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
36000But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
36001Cast even more perils before swine.
36002%
36003No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
36004He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
36005Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
36006And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
36007 (refrain)
36008Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
36009And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
36010All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
36011But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
36012 (refrain)
36013Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
36014The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
36015A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
36016But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
36017 (refrain)
36018Refrain:
36019 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
36020 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
36021 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
36022 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
36023%
36024No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
36025them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
36026their wish has been granted.
36027 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
36028%
36029No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
36030%
36031No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
36032 -- C. Schulz
36033%
36034No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
36035%
36036"No program is perfect,"
36037They said with a shrug.
36038"The customer's happy--
36039What's one little bug?"
36040
36041But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
36042The others went home. As year followed year.
36043He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
36044Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
36045
36046Night passed into morning. He died at the console
36047The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
36048With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
36049"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
36050
36051Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
36052Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
36053"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
36054"Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
36055 -- The Perfect Programmer
36056%
36057No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
36058occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
36059indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
36060different from the one identified by the given indication as an
36061indication-applied occurrence.
36062 -- ALGOL 68 Report
36063%
36064No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
36065%
36066No rock so hard but that a little wave
36067May beat admission in a thousand years.
36068 -- Tennyson
36069%
36070No self-made man ever did such a good job
36071that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
36072 -- Kim Hubbard
36073%
36074"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
36075paper."
36076 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
36077 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
36078%
36079No skis take rocks like rental skis!
36080%
36081No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
36082for that purpose to keep awake all day.
36083 -- Nietzsche
36084%
36085No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
36086%
36087No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
36088Finished his old Raven,
36089then he started his Old Crow.
36090%
36091No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
36092 -- Quintus Ennius
36093%
36094No spitting on the Bus!
36095Thank you, The Management.
36096%
36097No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
36098 -- Richard Nixon
36099%
36100No two persons ever read the same book.
36101 -- Edmund Wilson
36102%
36103No use getting too involved in life --
36104you're only here for a limited time.
36105%
36106No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
36107 -- Sherlock Holmes
36108%
36109No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
36110she will or will not be a mother.
36111 -- Margaret H. Sanger
36112%
36113No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
36114 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
36115%
36116No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
36117him than he deserves.
36118 -- Edgar Watson Howe
36119%
36120No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
36121Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
36122%
36123No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
36124%
36125No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
36126%
36127Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
36128fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
36129moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
36130useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
36131she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
36132moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
36133him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
36134reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
36135some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
36136threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
36137old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
36138had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
36139paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
36140was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
36141he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
36142and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
36143young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
36144 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
36145story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
36146quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
36147however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
36148 -- Richard Harter
36149%
36150Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
36151%
36152Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
36153it.
36154 -- Tallulah Bankhead
36155%
36156Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
36157%
36158Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
36159 -- Kin Hubbard
36160%
36161Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
36162%
36163NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
36164%
36165Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
36166limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
36167if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
36168shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
36169that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
36170It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
36171 -- Liv Ullman
36172%
36173Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
36174%
36175Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
36176 -- Roy Harper
36177%
36178Nobody loves me,
36179Everybody hates me,
36180I think I'll go out and eat worms.
36181I'm gonna cut their heads off,
36182Eat their insides out,
36183And throw way the skins.
36184Big, fat, juicy ones,
36185Little, skinny, cute ones,
36186Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
36187%
36188Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
36189And then it's too late.
36190%
36191Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
36192%
36193Nobody shot me.
36194 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
36195 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the
36196 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
36197
36198Only Capone kills like that.
36199 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
36200
36201The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
36202 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
36203%
36204Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
36205for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
36206their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
36207 -- Lewis Lapham
36208%
36209Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
36210your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
36211different.
36212 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
36213 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
36214%
36215Nobody wants constructive criticism.
36216It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
36217%
36218Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
36219coming in late and lying about it.
36220%
36221nohup rm -fr /&
36222%
36223Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
36224merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
36225 -- Mark Twain
36226%
36227nolo contendere:
36228 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
36229 it again."
36230%
36231nominal egg:
36232 New Yorkerese for expensive.
36233%
36234Noncombatant, n.:
36235 A dead Quaker.
36236 -- Ambrose Bierce
36237%
36238Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
36239 -- M. J. 0'Donnell
36240%
36241Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
36242%
36243None love the bearer of bad news.
36244 -- Sophocles
36245%
36246None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
36247to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
36248ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
36249job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
36250forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
36251he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
36252state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
36253"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
36254 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
36255%
36256Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
36257 Negative expectations yield negative results.
36258 Positive expectations yield negative results.
36259%
36260Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
36261 -- Heisenberg
36262%
36263Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
36264 -- E. M. Forster
36265%
36266Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
36267%
36268Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
36269%
36270No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
36271intentions. He had money as well.
36272 -- Margaret Thatcher
36273%
36274Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
36275 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
36276
36277Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
36278Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
36279 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
36280
36281Coach: How's life, Norm?
36282Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
36283 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
36284%
36285Norm: Hey, everybody.
36286All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
36287Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
36288 Norm! (Norman.)
36289 How are you feeling today, Norm?
36290 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
36291 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
36292
36293Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
36294Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
36295 Film at eleven.
36296 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
36297
36298Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
36299Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
36300 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
36301%
36302[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
36303
36304Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
36305Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
36306 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
36307
36308Coach: What's up, Normie?
36309Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
36310 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
36311
36312Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
36313Norm: Going down?
36314 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
36315%
36316[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
36317
36318Off-screen crowd: Norm!
36319Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
36320Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
36321 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
36322
36323Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
36324Norm: Elope with my wife.
36325 -- Cheers, The Triangle
36326
36327Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
36328Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
36329 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
36330%
36331[Norm is angry.]
36332
36333Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
36334Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
36335 -- Cheers, The Triangle
36336
36337Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
36338Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
36339 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
36340 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
36341
36342Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
36343Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
36344 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
36345%
36346[Norm returns from the hospital.]
36347
36348Coach: What's up, Norm?
36349Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
36350 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
36351
36352Sam: What's new, Normie?
36353Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
36354 They're demanding beer.
36355 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
36356
36357Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
36358Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
36359 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
36360%
36361[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
36362Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
36363All: Anton!
36364 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
36365
36366Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
36367Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
36368 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
36369
36370Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
36371Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
36372 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
36373 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
36374%
36375Normal times may possibly be over forever.
36376%
36377Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
36378reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
36379although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
36380their courses.
36381 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
36382%
36383Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
36384%
36385Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
36386%
36387Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
36388%
36389Not all men who drink are poets.
36390Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
36391%
36392Not all who own a harp are harpers.
36393 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
36394%
36395Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
36396make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
36397%
36398Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
36399the capitalist mode of production.
36400 -- Herbert Marcuse
36401%
36402Not every question deserves an answer.
36403%
36404Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
36405%
36406Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
36407Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
36408in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
36409moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
36410dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
36411respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
36412it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
36413then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
36414chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
36415 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
36416%
36417"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
36418 -- Shakespeare
36419%
36420Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
36421ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
36422 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
36423
36424I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
36425 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis.
36426%
36427Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
36428 -- Rob Pike
36429%
36430Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
36431serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
36432 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
36433%
36434Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
36435 -- Spinoza
36436%
36437"Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems
36438to have been written by Bruce Evans."
36439 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992
36440%
36441NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
36442All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
36443all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
36444features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
36445abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
36446attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
36447local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
36448invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
36449surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
36450electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
36451chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
36452premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
36453uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
36454and/or frogs falling from the sky.
36455%
36456Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message
36457
36458Failed due to : SunOS 5.8 is installed.
36459 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine
36460%
36461Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
36462%
36463Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
36464wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
36465astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
36466unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
36467not to make any poultry jokes.
36468 -- Woody Allen
36469%
36470Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
36471 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
36472%
36473Nothing can be done in one trip.
36474 -- Snider
36475%
36476Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
36477%
36478Nothing endures but change.
36479 -- Heraclitus
36480 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
36481%
36482Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
36483proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
36484 -- John Keats
36485%
36486Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
36487 -- Winston Churchill
36488
36489Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
36490satisfying as an income tax refund.
36491 -- F. J. Raymond
36492%
36493Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
36494%
36495Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
36496%
36497Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
36498 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
36499 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
36500%
36501Nothing is but what is not.
36502%
36503Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
36504%
36505Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
36506
36507To prove this to yourself, try opening the
36508refrigerator door before the light comes on.
36509%
36510Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
36511%
36512Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
36513 -- Andrew Young
36514%
36515Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
36516 -- A. H. Weiler
36517%
36518Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
36519millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
36520 -- Nero Wolfe
36521%
36522Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
36523%
36524Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
36525She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
36526 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
36527%
36528Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
36529 -- Michel de Montaigne
36530%
36531Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
36532 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
36533%
36534Nothing lasts forever.
36535Where do I find nothing?
36536%
36537Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
36538%
36539Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
36540Conscience makes egotists of us all.
36541 -- Oscar Wilde
36542%
36543Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
36544 -- Arthur Balfour
36545%
36546Nothing motivates a man more than to
36547see his boss put in an honest day's work.
36548%
36549Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
36550repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
36551the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
36552which can be offered to a personality.
36553 -- Soren Kierkegaard
36554%
36555Nothing recedes like success.
36556 -- Walter Winchell
36557%
36558Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
36559which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
36560 -- Quentin Crisp
36561%
36562Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
36563 -- Mark Twain
36564%
36565Nothing succeeds like success.
36566 -- Alexandre Dumas
36567%
36568Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
36569 -- Christopher Lascl
36570%
36571Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
36572 -- Charlie Brown
36573%
36574Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
36575If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
36576That's what she said as she turned out the light,
36577And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
36578Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
36579She got from trying to fight
36580Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
36581[...]
36582Well nothing that's real is ever for free
36583And you just have to pay for it sometime.
36584She said it before, she said it to me,
36585I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
36586But the same old four imaginary walls
36587She'd built for livin' inside
36588I said oh, you just can't mean it.
36589[...]
36590Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
36591If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
36592That's what she said as she turned out the light,
36593And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
36594But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
36595The veil that covered her eyes,
36596I said oh, you can leave it.
36597 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
36598%
36599Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
36600 -- Kim Hubbard
36601%
36602Nothing will ever be attempted
36603if all possible objections must be first overcome.
36604 -- Dr. Johnson
36605%
36606NOTICE:
36607 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
36608 be summarily put out.
36609%
36610NOTICE:
36611
36612-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
36613
36614(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
36615%
36616Nouvelle cuisine, n:
36617 French for "not enough food".
36618
36619Continental breakfast, n:
36620 English for "not enough food".
36621
36622Tapas, n:
36623 Spanish for "not enough food".
36624
36625Dim Sum, n:
36626 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
36627%
36628November, n.:
36629 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
36630 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36631%
36632Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
36633
36634 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
36635 not better, just different.
36636%
36637Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
36638%
36639Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
36640Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
36641 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
36642%
36643Now I lay me back to sleep.
36644The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
36645If he should stop before I wake,
36646Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
36647 -- Anonymous
36648%
36649Now I lay me down to sleep
36650I pray the double lock will keep;
36651May no brick through the window break,
36652And, no one rob me till I awake.
36653%
36654Now I lay me down to sleep,
36655I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
36656If I should die before I wake,
36657I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
36658%
36659Now I lay me down to study,
36660I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
36661And if I fail to learn this junk,
36662I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
36663But if I do, don't pity me at all,
36664Just lay my bones in the study hall.
36665Tell my teacher I've done my best,
36666Then pile my books upon my chest.
36667%
36668Now is the time for all good men to come to.
36669 -- Walt Kelly
36670%
36671Now is the time for drinking;
36672now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
36673 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36674%
36675Now it's time to say goodbye
36676To all our company...
36677M-I-C (see you next week!)
36678K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
36679M-O-U-S-E.
36680%
36681Now of my threescore years and ten,
36682Twenty will not come again,
36683And take from seventy springs a score,
36684It leaves me only fifty more.
36685
36686And since to look at things in bloom
36687Fifty springs are little room,
36688About the woodlands I will go
36689To see the cherry hung with snow.
36690 -- A. E. Housman
36691%
36692Now that day wearies me,
36693My yearning desire
36694Will receive more kindly,
36695Like a tired child, the starry night.
36696
36697Hands, leave off your deeds,
36698Mind, forget all thoughts;
36699All of my forces
36700Yearn only to sink into sleep.
36701
36702And my soul, unguarded,
36703Would soar on widespread wings,
36704To live in night's magical sphere
36705More profoundly, more variously.
36706 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
36707%
36708Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
36709some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
36710her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
36711cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
36712
367131: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
367142: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
36715 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
367163: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
36717 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
36718 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
36719 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
36720
36721That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
36722%
36723"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
36724Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
36725were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
36726 -- "The Begatting of a President"
36727%
36728Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
36729or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
36730 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
36731%
36732Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
36733you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
36734 -- Casey Stengel
36735%
36736"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
36737smurfette."
36738 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
36739%
36740Nowlan's Theory:
36741 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
36742 the next freeway exit.
36743%
36744Now's the time to have some big ideas
36745Now's the time to make some firm decisions
36746We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
36747Talking politics and nuclear fission
36748We see him and he's all washed up --
36749Moving on into the body of a beetle
36750Getting ready for a long long crawl
36751He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
36752
36753Death and Money make their point once more
36754In the shape of Philosophical assassins
36755Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
36756Deadly angels for reality and passion
36757Have the courage of the here and now
36758Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
36759When you think you got it paid in full
36760You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
36761 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
36762 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
36763 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
36764 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
36765 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
36766%
36767Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
36768 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
36769 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
36770 Times, June 10, 1955.
36771%
36772[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
36773 -- Edwin Meese III
36774%
36775"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
36776 -- Karl Lehenbauer
36777%
36778Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
36779normal routines, for children and adults alike.
36780 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
36781%
36782"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
36783 -- Ted Turner
36784%
36785Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
36786%
36787Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
36788%
36789Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
36790%
36791(null cookie; hope that's ok)
36792%
36793Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
36794 -- Seneca
36795%
36796Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
36797%
36798Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
36799Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
36800Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
36801Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
36802%
36803Nusbaum's Rule:
36804 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
36805 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
36806 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
36807 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
36808%
36809O! If I were a fish
36810I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
36811Yes, that's my one and only wish --
36812To be a fish!
36813
36814For fish don't ever mish;
36815They needn't flush after they pish!
36816Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
36817For all the fish!!!
36818%
36819O give me a home,
36820Where the buffalo roam,
36821Where the deer and the antelope play,
36822Where seldom is heard
36823A discouraging word,
36824'Cause what can an antelope say?
36825%
36826O imitators, you slavish herd!
36827 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36828%
36829O, it is excellent
36830To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
36831To use it like a giant.
36832 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
36833%
36834O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
36835for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
36836%
36837O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
36838To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
36839Might we not smash it to bits
36840And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
36841 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
36842%
36843Oatmeal raisin.
36844%
36845Objects are lost only because people
36846look where they are not rather than where they are.
36847%
36848O'Brian's Law:
36849 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
36850%
36851O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
36852thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
36853 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
36854 "Four."
36855 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
36856 then how many?"
36857 "Four."
36858 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
36859 -- George Orwell
36860%
36861Observe yon plumed biped fine.
36862To activate its captivation,
36863Deposit on its termination,
36864A quantity of particles saline.
36865%
36866Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
36867%
36868"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
36869 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
36870 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
36871 of the grandstands.
36872%
36873Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
36874%
36875OCCAM'S ERASER:
36876 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
36877 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
36878%
36879OCCIDENT:
36880 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
36881 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
36882 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
36883 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
36884 are the principal industries of the Orient.
36885 -- Ambrose Bierce
36886%
36887OCEAN:
36888 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
36889 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
36890%
36891Odets, where is thy sting?
36892 -- George S. Kaufman
36893%
36894Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
36895%
36896Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
36897to know so much and have control over nothing.
36898 -- Herodotus
36899%
36900Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
36901reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
36902amount of hot air.
36903 -- Thomas L. Martin
36904%
36905Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
36906 -- Plato
36907%
36908Of all the words of witch's doom
36909There's none so bad as which and whom.
36910The man who kills both which and whom
36911Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
36912 -- Fletcher Knebel
36913%
36914Of all things man is the measure.
36915 -- Protagoras
36916%
36917Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
36918husband and wife.
36919%
36920Of course it's possible to love a human being
36921if you don't know them too well.
36922 -- Charles Bukowski
36923%
36924Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
36925tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
36926 -- Crazy Nigel
36927%
36928Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
36929After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
36930%
36931Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
36932%
36933Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
36934TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
36935%
36936Office Automation:
36937 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
36938 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
36939%
36940Official Project Stages:
36941 1. Uncritical Acceptance
36942 2. Wild Enthusiasm
36943 3. Dejected Disillusionment
36944 4. Total Confusion
36945 5. Search for the Guilty
36946 6. Punishment of the Innocent
36947 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
36948%
36949Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
36950lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
36951%
36952Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
36953%
36954Ogden's Law:
36955 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
36956%
36957Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
36958%
36959Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
36960 -- Pink Floyd
36961%
36962Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
36963%
36964Oh don't the days seem lank and long
36965When all goes right and none goes wrong,
36966And isn't your life extremely flat
36967With nothing whatever to grumble at!
36968%
36969Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
36970They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
36971"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
36972Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
36973
36974Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
36975I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
36976"Now listen my son, although you're confused,
36977Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
36978
36979Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
36980What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
36981"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
36982Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
36983
36984Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
36985Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
36986"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
36987Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
36988%
36989Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
36990As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
36991Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
36992And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
36993Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
36994 see if I don't.
36995 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
36996%
36997Oh, give me a home,
36998Where the buffalo roam,
36999And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
37000%
37001Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
37002 Where the three-body problem is solved,
37003 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
37004 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
37005We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
37006 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
37007 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
37008 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
37009If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
37010 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
37011 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
37012 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
37013I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
37014 And living up here is a bore.
37015 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
37016 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
37017
37018CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
37019 Where the space debris always collects,
37020 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
37021 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
37022 -- to Home on the Range
37023%
37024Oh give me your pity!
37025I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
37026Which means that from morning And contend and defend
37027 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
37028
37029We confer and concur,
37030We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
37031And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
37032 And consider a load of reports.
37033
37034We compose and propose,
37035We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
37036And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
37037 There's terribly little gets done.
37038
37039We resolve and absolve;
37040But we never dissolve,
37041Since it's out of the question for us
37042To bring our committee
37043To end like this ditty,
37044Which stops with a period, thus.
37045 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
37046%
37047"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
37048dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
37049and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
37050you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
37051ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
37052wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
37053last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
37054buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
37055He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
37056and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
37057their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
37058another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
37059said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
37060know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
37061 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
37062%
37063Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
37064 I muck with indices and structs all day
37065And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
37066 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
37067%
37068Oh, I could while away the hours,
37069Smoking herbs and flowers,
37070Shooting up my veins,
37071 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
37072Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
37073I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
37074If I dealt in good cocaine.
37075 -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
37076%
37077Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
37078be irresponsible, too.
37079 -- Lichty & Wagner
37080%
37081Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
37082And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
37083Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
37084Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
37085You have not dreamed of --
37086Wheeled and soared and swung
37087High in the sunlit silence.
37088Hovering there
37089I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
37090My eager craft through footless halls of air.
37091Up, up along delirious, burning blue
37092I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
37093Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
37094And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
37095The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
37096Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
37097 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
37098%
37099Oh I'm just a typical American boy
37100From a typical American town.
37101I believe in God and Senator Dodd
37102And keeping old Castro down.
37103And when it came my time to serve
37104I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
37105But when I got to my old draft board,
37106Buddy, this is what I said:
37107
37108Chorus:
37109 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
37110 And I always carry a purse!
37111 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
37112 And my asthma's getting worse!
37113 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
37114 And my poor old invalid aunt!
37115 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
37116 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
37117 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
37118%
37119Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
37120My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
37121Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
37122To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
37123%
37124Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
37125arch-enemy -- and that is life.
37126 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
37127%
37128Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
37129it's what you do with what you have left.
37130 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
37131%
37132Oh, so there you are!
37133%
37134Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
37135He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
37136No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
37137He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
37138 -- The Smothers Brothers
37139%
37140Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
37141 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
37142%
37143Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
37144Born under one law, to another bound.
37145 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
37146%
37147Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
37148%
37149Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
37150 -- Shakespeare
37151%
37152Oh, when I was in love with you,
37153 Then I was clean and brave,
37154And miles around the wonder grew
37155 How well did I behave.
37156
37157And now the fancy passes by,
37158 And nothing will remain,
37159And miles around they'll say that I
37160 Am quite myself again.
37161 -- A. E. Housman
37162%
37163Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
37164%
37165Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
37166you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
37167J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
37168you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
37169%
37170Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
37171 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
37172%
37173O.K., fine.
37174%
37175Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't
37176have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail
37177just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait
37178until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll
37179save precious time and electrons.
37180 -- Bill Paul
37181%
37182"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
37183 -- Dr. Joy
37184%
37185OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
37186%
37187Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
37188just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
37189executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
37190the code over again, since I also removed the source.
37191%
37192Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
37193%
37194Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
37195 -- B. Baruch
37196%
37197Old age is the harbor of all ills.
37198 -- Bion
37199%
37200Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
37201 -- Trotsky
37202%
37203Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
37204%
37205Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
37206%
37207Old Japanese proverb:
37208 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
37209and those who climb it twice.
37210%
37211Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
37212%
37213Old mail has arrived.
37214%
37215Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
37216themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
37217 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
37218%
37219Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
37220To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
37221When she got there, the cupboard was bare
37222And so was her daughter, I guess...
37223%
37224Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
37225%
37226Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
37227%
37228Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
37229%
37230Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
37231%
37232Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
37233%
37234Old timer, n:
37235 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
37236%
37237Oliver's Law:
37238 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
37239%
37240omnibiblious, adj.:
37241 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
37242 I'm omnibiblious."
37243%
37244OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of
37245JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
37246as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
37247WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
37248%
37249On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
37250%
37251On a clear disk you can seek forever.
37252 -- P. Denning
37253%
37254On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
37255
37256"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
37257 -- Wolfgang Pauli
37258%
37259On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
37260a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
37261
37262[One is always a little afraid of love, but
37263above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
37264%
37265On ability:
37266 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
37267 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
37268 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
37269%
37270On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
37271nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
37272what it does.
37273 -- Will Rogers
37274%
37275On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
37276car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
37277the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
37278 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
37279you come any closer."
37280 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
37281explained.
37282 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
37283decapitation."
37284 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
37285pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
37286 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
37287taller."
37288%
37289On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
37290proposition that all men are created jerks.
37291 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
37292%
37293On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
37294same moment -- halftime.
37295%
37296On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
37297%
37298On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
37299girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
37300Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
37301and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
37302%
37303On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT.
37304%
37305On the subject of C program indentation:
37306
37307 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
37308 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
37309 -- Blair P. Houghton
37310%
37311On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
37312 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph
37313%
37314On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
37315Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
37316come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
37317ideas that could provoke such a question.
37318 -- Charles Babbage
37319%
37320Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
37321and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
37322 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
37323%
37324Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
37325 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37326%
37327Once, adv.:
37328 Enough.
37329 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37330%
37331Once again dread deed is done.
37332Canon sleeps,
37333his all-knowing eye shaded
37334to human chance and circumstance.
37335Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
37336but Canon's sleep is troubled.
37337
37338Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
37339Impatient hands wait eagerly
37340to grasp, to hold
37341scant moments of time
37342wrested from life in the full
37343glory of Canon's power;
37344held captive by his unblinking eye.
37345
37346Three golden orbs stand watch;
37347one each to toll the day, hour, minute
37348until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
37349When that feared moment arives,
37350"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
37351It tolls for thee."
37352 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
37353 Valley Pawn Shop today"
37354%
37355Once Again From the Top
37356
37357Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
37358reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
37359in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
37360lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
37361homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
37362he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
37363George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
37364inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
37365lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
37366vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
37367The Herald regrets the errors."
37368 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
37369%
37370Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
37371each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
37372choice.
37373
37374In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
37375called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
37376and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
37377passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
37378Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
37379 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
37380%
37381Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
37382Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
37383Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
37384principles or your mistress".
37385%
37386Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
37387 -- Homer
37388%
37389Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
37390roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
37391forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
37392the railroad yards."
37393 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
37394 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
37395 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
37396%
37397Once I finally figured out all of life's
37398answers, they changed the questions.
37399%
37400Once, I read that a man be never stronger
37401than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
37402 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
37403%
37404Once is happenstance,
37405Twice is coincidence,
37406Three times is enemy action.
37407 -- Auric Goldfinger
37408%
37409Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
37410sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
37411%
37412Once Law was sitting on the bench
37413 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
37414"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
37415 Nor come before me creeping.
37416Upon you knees if you appear,
37417'Tis plain you have no standing here."
37418
37419Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
37420 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
37421"Amica curiae," she replied --
37422 "Friend of the court, so please you."
37423"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
37424I never saw your face before!"
37425 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37426%
37427Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
37428infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
37429grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
37430possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
37431 -- Rainer Rilke
37432%
37433Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
37434 -- H. R. Haldeman
37435%
37436Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
37437And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
37438And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
37439He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
37440And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
37441He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
37442And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
37443 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
37444And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
37445And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
37446The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
37447But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
37448Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
37449And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
37450But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
37451 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
37452When the day is done and the moon comes out,
37453And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
37454When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
37455And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
37456You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
37457 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
37458%
37459Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
37460a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
37461parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
37462to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
37463end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
37464page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
37465inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
37466was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
37467the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
37468%
37469Once upon a time there...
37470%
37471Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
37472were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
37473to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
37474the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
37475just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
37476of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
37477sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
37478possession. And the moral of the story is:
37479
37480The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
37481hit you.
37482%
37483Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
37484us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
37485the smaller prime numbers.
37486
374872: The Odd Prime --
37488 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
374893: The True Prime --
37490 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
3749131: The Arbitrary Prime --
37492 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
37493 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
37494 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
37495 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
37496 at all.
37497
37498Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
37499derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
37500true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
37501%
37502Once upon this midnight incoherent,
37503While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
37504Over many a broken and subordinate
37505Volume of gnarly lore,
37506While I pestered, nearly singing,
37507Sudddenly there came a hewing,
37508As of someone profusely skulking,
37509Skulking at my chamber door.
37510%
37511Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
37512%
37513Once you've tried to change the world you find
37514it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
37515%
37516One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
37517somebody's listening.
37518 -- Franklin P. Jones
37519%
37520"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
37521%
37522"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
37523
37524Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
37525The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
37526 -- Chuq Von Rospach
37527%
37528One Bell System - it sometimes works.
37529%
37530One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
37531%
37532One Bell System - it works.
37533%
37534One big pile is better than two little piles.
37535 -- Arlo Guthrie
37536%
37537One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
37538 -- Helen Keller
37539%
37540One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
37541mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
37542 -- J. Gustav White
37543%
37544One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
37545how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
37546 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
37547%
37548One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
37549%
37550One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
37551to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
37552a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
37553just stupid.
37554 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
37555%
37556One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
37557attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
37558smoke.
37559 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
37560releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
37561 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
37562resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
37563border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
37564 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
37565 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
37566Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
37567and march back home."
37568 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
37569 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
37570 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
37571to Poland three times and never invade?"
37572 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
37573%
37574One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
37575flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
37576developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
37577parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of
37578the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
37579revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then
37580Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
37581world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if
37582you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
37583there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope
37584looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
37585life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's
37586very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan
37587just jumped out with my knapsack."
37588%
37589One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
37590truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
37591"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
37592which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
37593guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
37594is death by hanging."
37595 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
37596 "I don't believe you."
37597 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
37598 "But that would make it the truth!"
37599 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
37600%
37601One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
37602decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
37603mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
37604way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
37605make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
37606this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
37607 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
37608success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
37609actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
37610there a number of details to be figured out.
37611 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
37612looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
37613some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
37614track."
37615 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
37616pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
37617eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
37618the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
37619behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
37620IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
37621And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
37622harmonic motion..."
37623%
37624One day,
37625A mad meta-poet,
37626With nothing to say,
37627Wrote a mad meta-poem
37628That started: "One day,
37629A mad meta-poet,
37630With nothing to say,
37631Wrote a mad meta-poem
37632That started: "One day,
37633[...]
37634sort of close".
37635Were the words that the poet,
37636Finally chose,
37637To bring his mad poem,
37638To some sort of close".
37639Were the words that the poet,
37640Finally chose,
37641To bring his mad poem,
37642To some sort of close".
37643%
37644One difference between a man and a machine
37645is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
37646%
37647One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
37648 -- Larry Gelbart
37649%
37650One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
37651Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
37652conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
37653merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
37654his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
37655 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
37656full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
37657been havin' all these years."
37658 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
37659Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
37660totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
37661drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
37662passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
37663with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
37664 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
37665head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
37666years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
37667%
37668One expresses well the love he does not feel.
37669 -- J. A. Karr
37670%
37671One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
37672%
37673One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
37674 -- George Herbert
37675%
37676One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
37677Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
37678a rivalry of aim.
37679 -- Henry Brook Adams
37680%
37681One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
37682 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
37683%
37684One good reason why computers can do more work than
37685people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
37686%
37687One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
37688%
37689One good thing about music,
37690Well, it helps you feel no pain.
37691So hit me with music;
37692Hit me with music now.
37693 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
37694%
37695One good turn asketh another.
37696 -- John Heywood
37697%
37698One good turn deserves another.
37699 -- Gaius Petronius
37700%
37701One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
37702%
37703One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
37704and end up with the atomic bomb.
37705 -- Marcel Pagnol
37706%
37707One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
37708 -- Confucius
37709%
37710One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
37711 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
37712%
37713One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
37714 -- Gustave Droz
37715%
37716One learns to itch where one can scratch.
37717 -- Ernest Bramah
37718%
37719ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
37720ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
37721%
37722One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
37723%
37724One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
37725one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
37726produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
37727represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
37728many ...
37729 -- Anthony Chevins
37730%
37731One man's constant is another man's variable.
37732 -- A. J. Perlis
37733%
37734One man's folly is another man's wife.
37735 -- Helen Rowland
37736%
37737One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
37738"Supernatural" is a null word.
37739%
37740One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
37741 -- George M. Cohan
37742%
37743One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
37744%
37745One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
37746can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
37747 -- Clifton Fadiman
37748%
37749One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
37750%
37751One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
37752will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
37753I'll tell you."
37754%
37755One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
37756without laughing.
37757 -- Oscar Wilde
37758%
37759One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
37760%
37761One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
37762%
37763One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
37764one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
37765percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
37766simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
37767nobody can touch him.
37768 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
37769%
37770One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
37771advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
37772mathematics.
37773 -- N. Wiener
37774%
37775One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
37776enough to give you presents they make at school.
37777 -- Robert Byrne
37778%
37779One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
37780unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
37781 -- Joyce Carol Oates
37782%
37783One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
37784do and always a clever thing to say.
37785 -- Will Durant
37786%
37787One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
37788Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
37789to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
37790be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
37791to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
37792understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
37793reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
37794time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
37795puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
37796genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
37797 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
37798%
37799One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
37800foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
37801 -- Joe Martin
37802%
37803One of the most striking differences between a
37804cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
37805 -- Mark Twain
37806%
37807One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
37808create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
37809retail."
37810 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
37811%
37812One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
37813need no answer.
37814 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
37815%
37816One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
37817seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
37818way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
37819in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
37820imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
37821%
37822One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
37823once had a publisher shot.
37824 -- Siegfried Unseld
37825%
37826One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
37827%
37828One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
37829thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
37830the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
37831hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
37832laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
37833 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
37834happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
37835And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
37836 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
37837%
37838One organism, one vote.
37839%
37840One person's error is another person's data.
37841%
37842One picture is worth 128K words.
37843%
37844One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
37845 -- Chinese proverb
37846%
37847One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
37848And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
37849And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
37850Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
37851Go ask Alice Call Alice
37852When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
37853
37854When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
37855Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
37856And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
37857 mushroom backwards
37858And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
37859Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
37860I think she'll know. Feed your head.
37861 Feed your head.
37862 Feed your head.
37863 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
37864%
37865One planet is all you get.
37866%
37867One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
37868is that there never was a plan in the first place.
37869%
37870One possible reason why things aren't going
37871according to plan is that there never was a plan.
37872%
37873One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
37874manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
37875they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
37876say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
37877study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
37878sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
37879strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
37880rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
37881be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
37882Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
37883Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
37884millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
37885support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
37886your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
37887of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
37888already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
37889 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
37890%
37891One reason why George Washington
37892Is held in such veneration:
37893He never blamed his problems
37894On the former Administration.
37895 -- George O. Ludcke
37896%
37897One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
37898should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
37899to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
37900virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
37901and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
37902many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
37903people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
37904is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
37905 -- Ronald Reagan
37906%
37907One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
37908%
37909One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
37910 -- Oscar Wilde
37911%
37912ONE SIZE FITS ALL:
37913 Doesn't fit anyone.
37914%
37915One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
37916%
37917One thing about the past.
37918It's likely to last.
37919 -- Ogden Nash
37920%
37921ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
37922my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
37923warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
37924cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
37925
37926I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
37927late.
37928 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
37929%
37930One thing the inventors can't seem to
37931get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
37932%
37933One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
37934sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
37935terror.
37936 -- W. K. Hartmann
37937%
37938One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
37939%
37940One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the
37941speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
37942going to be out that long."
37943 -- Steven Wright
37944%
37945One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
37946One toke over the line,
37947Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37948One toke over the line.
37949Waitin' for the train that goes home,
37950Hopin' that the train is on time,
37951Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37952One toke over the line.
37953%
37954One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
37955new model.
37956%
37957One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
37958%
37959One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
37960the stake while the votes were being counted.
37961 -- Thomas B. Reed
37962%
37963One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
37964because they bite.
37965 -- Vladimir Lenin
37966%
37967One-Shot Case Study, n:
37968 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
37969it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
37970%
37971On-line, adj.:
37972 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
37973computer.
37974%
37975Only a fool has no doubts.
37976%
37977Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
37978 -- Laurence Peter
37979%
37980Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
37981%
37982Only fools are quoted.
37983 -- Anonymous
37984%
37985Only God can make random selections.
37986%
37987Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
37988 -- Oscar Wilde
37989
37990Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
37991 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
37992%
37993Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
37994essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
37995 -- Alex Levine
37996
37997[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
37998hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
37999%
38000Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
38001to use the editorial "we".
38002%
38003Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
38004smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
38005%
38006Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
38007 -- Baba Ram Dass
38008%
38009Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
38010placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
38011and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
38012food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
38013unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
38014and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
38015modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
38016that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
38017postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
38018the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
38019May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
38020 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
38021%
38022Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
38023 -- Hannah Arendt
38024%
38025Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
38026busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
38027 -- Lao Tsu
38028%
38029Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
38030%
38031Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
38032%
38033Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
38034a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
38035or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
38036happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
38037windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
38038peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
38039 -- Sicilian police officer
38040%
38041Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
38042of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
38043%
38044Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
38045%
38046Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
38047%
38048Onward through the fog.
38049%
38050Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
38051%
38052Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
38053 -- Debbie VanDam
38054%
38055Opium is very cheap considering you don't
38056feel like eating for the next six days.
38057 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
38058%
38059Oppernockity tunes but once.
38060%
38061Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
38062work, so most people don't recognize them.
38063%
38064Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest people to
38065talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
38066crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
38067them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
38068%
38069Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
38070 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
38071%
38072Optimism, n:
38073The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
38074and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
38075those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
38076with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
38077to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
38078but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
38079%
38080OPTIMIST:
38081 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
38082
38083 A pessimist asked God for relief.
38084 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
38085 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
38086would justify them."
38087 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
38088something -- the mortality of the optimist."
38089 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38090%
38091OPTIMIST:
38092 Someone who goes down to the marriage
38093 bureau to see if his license has expired.
38094%
38095optimist, n:
38096 A bagpiper with a beeper.
38097%
38098Optimization hinders evolution.
38099%
38100Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
38101 -- Germaine Greer
38102%
38103Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
38104%
38105Order and simplification are the first steps toward
38106mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
38107 -- Thomas Mann
38108%
38109Oregano, n.:
38110 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
38111%
38112Oregon, n.:
38113 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
38114night.
38115%
38116O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
38117Cleanliness is next to impossible
38118%
38119Oreo
38120%
38121Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
38122Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
38123 -- Mike Adams
38124%
38125Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
38126to people you could not have possibly met.
38127 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
38128%
38129Osborn's Law:
38130 Variables won't; constants aren't.
38131%
38132Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
38133%
38134Other women cloy
38135The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
38136Where most she satisfies.
38137 -- Antony and Cleopatra
38138%
38139Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
38140%
38141Others will look to you for stability,
38142so hide when you bite your nails.
38143%
38144O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
38145 Murphy was an optimist.
38146%
38147Ouch! That felt good!
38148 -- Karen Gordon
38149%
38150"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
38151system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
38152
38153"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
38154any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
38155 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
38156%
38157Our business in life is not to succeed
38158but to continue to fail in high spirits.
38159 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
38160%
38161Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
38162local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash
38163award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
38164His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
38165by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
38166home-made, hand-held model.
38167
38168Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
38169to the Pentagon free of charge:
38170
38171 a. Don't kill anybody.
38172 b. Don't build things that do.
38173 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
38174
38175We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
38176 -- Sojourners
38177%
38178Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
38179but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
38180%
38181Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
38182office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
38183were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
38184juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop.
38185
38186He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
38187
38188Her reply:
38189
38190 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
38191 means to be a programmer."
38192%
38193Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
38194continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
38195emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
38196did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
38197Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
38198to have been quite real.
38199 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
38200%
38201Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
38202%
38203Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
38204 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
38205%
38206Our little systems have their day;
38207They have their day and cease to be;
38208They are but broken lights of thee.
38209 -- Tennyson
38210%
38211Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
38212Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
38213In kernel as it is in user.
38214%
38215Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
38216to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
38217rain, we were punished.
38218 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
38219%
38220Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
38221 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
38222%
38223Our problems are so serious that the best
38224way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
38225%
38226Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
38227We their sons are more worthless than they:
38228so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
38229 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
38230%
38231Our swords shall play the orators for us.
38232 -- Christopher Marlowe
38233%
38234Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
38235In all of the directions it can whiz;
38236As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
38237Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
38238So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
38239How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
38240And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
38241'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
38242 -- Monty Python
38243%
38244"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
38245 -- Alex Schure
38246%
38247Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
38248 -- General Omar N. Bradley
38249%
38250Ours is a world where people don't know what they
38251want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
38252%
38253Out of sight is out of mind.
38254 -- Arthur Clough
38255%
38256Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
38257 -- Immanuel Kant
38258%
38259Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
38260%
38261"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
38262it's too dark to read."
38263 -- Groucho Marx
38264%
38265Over the shoulder supervision is more a
38266need of the manager than the programming task.
38267%
38268Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
38269I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
38270%
38271Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
38272complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
38273rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
38274errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
38275design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
38276result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
38277problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
38278system.
38279 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
38280 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2
38281 Concepts and Philosophies,"
38282 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
38283%
38284Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
38285continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
38286powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
38287victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
38288move?'
38289 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
38290%
38291Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
38292%
38293Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
38294%
38295Overheard:
38296 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
38297%
38298Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
38299%
38300Owe no man any thing...
38301 -- Romans 13:8
38302%
38303Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
38304concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
38305oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
38306much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
38307concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
38308takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
38309for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
38310oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
38311process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
38312always fatal.
38313
38314However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
38315fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
38316sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
38317considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
38318symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
38319
38320Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
38321the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
38322due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
38323in question.
38324
38325Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
38326tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
38327too late.
38328 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
38329%
38330Ozman's Laws:
38331 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
38332 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
38333 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
38334 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
38335%
38336paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
38337 vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
38338patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
38339Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
38340shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
38341sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
38342tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
38343 or as a vegetable.
38344troopa, n: A state policeman.
38345Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
38346yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
38347 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
38348%
38349PAIN:
38350 Falling out of a twenty story building,
38351 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
38352%
38353PAIN:
38354 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
38355%
38356PAIN:
38357 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
38358%
38359Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
38360%
38361Painting, n.:
38362 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
38363exposing them to the critic.
38364 -- Ambrose Bierce
38365%
38366Pandora's Rule:
38367 Never open a box you didn't close.
38368%
38369panic: can't find /
38370%
38371panic: kernal segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
38372%
38373panic: kernel trap (ignored)
38374%
38375Paprika Measure:
38376
38377 2 dashes == 1smidgen
38378 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
38379 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
38380 2 soupcons == too much paprika
38381%
38382Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
38383better.
38384 -- Laurie Anderson
38385%
38386Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
38387%
38388Paralysis through analysis.
38389%
38390PARANOIA:
38391 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
38392%
38393Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
38394%
38395Paranoia is heightened awareness.
38396%
38397Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
38398%
38399Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
38400Now ... just try to find out where!
38401%
38402Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
38403%
38404Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
38405to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
38406 -- D. J. Hicks
38407%
38408Pardon me while I laugh.
38409%
38410Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
38411%
38412Pardo's First Postulate:
38413 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
38414fattening.
38415
38416Arnold's Addendum:
38417 Everything else causes cancer in rats.
38418%
38419Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
38420didn't have much of anything to do with it.
38421%
38422Parker's Law:
38423 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
38424%
38425Parkinson's Fifth Law:
38426 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
38427 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
38428%
38429Parkinson's Fourth Law:
38430 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
38431 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
38432%
38433Parsley is gharsley.
38434 -- Ogden Nash
38435%
38436Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
38437%
38438PARTY:
38439 A gathering where you meet people who drink
38440 so much you can't even remember their names.
38441%
38442Pascal:
38443 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
38444 in his grave if he knew about it.
38445 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
38446%
38447Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
38448 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
38449%
38450Pascal is not a high-level language.
38451 -- Steven Feiner
38452%
38453"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
38454 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
38455%
38456Pascal, n.:
38457 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
38458his grave if he knew about it.
38459%
38460Pascal Users:
38461 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
38462 Please modify your programs accordingly.
38463%
38464Pascal Users:
38465 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
38466 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
38467%
38468Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
38469 -- Eric Hoffer
38470%
38471Password:
38472%
38473Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
38474%
38475Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
38476 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
38477 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
38478 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
38479 CREEPING things...
38480Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
38481P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
38482 can get in.
38483A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
38484P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
38485 CATERPILLARS!
38486[...]
38487P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
38488 a LITTLE SQUIRREL?
38489A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
38490P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
38491A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
38492 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
38493P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
38494A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
38495 par for the course, Charlie.
38496 -- Firesign Theatre
38497%
38498Patageometry, n.:
38499 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
38500under brain transplants.
38501%
38502Patch griefs with proverbs.
38503 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
38504%
38505patent:
38506 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
38507%
38508"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
38509(crosses stream)
38510"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
38511 -- Eyeore
38512%
38513Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
38514 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
38515%
38516Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
38517 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
38518%
38519Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
38520 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
38521
38522In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
38523resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
38524inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
38525 -- Ambrose Bierce
38526
38527When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
38528he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
38529 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
38530
38531Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
38532 -- Boies Penrose
38533%
38534Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
38535 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
38536%
38537Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
38538 -- Oscar Wilde
38539%
38540Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
38541 -- Gauss
38542%
38543Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
38544%
38545Paul's Law:
38546 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
38547save.
38548%
38549Paul's Law:
38550 You can't fall off the floor.
38551%
38552Pause for storage relocation.
38553%
38554paycheck:
38555 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
38556 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
38557 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
38558 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
38559%
38560Payeen to a Twang
38561Derrida
38562Ore-Ida
38563potato.
38564
38565If you dared,
38566I'd ask you
38567to go dig
38568up your ides under brown-
38569tubered skies.
38570
38571where pitchforked
38572you will ask
38573Derrida?
38574%
38575Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
38576%
38577Peace cannot be kept by force; it
38578can only be achieved by understanding.
38579 -- A. Einstein
38580%
38581Peace is much more precious than a piece
38582of land... let there be no more wars.
38583 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
38584%
38585Peace, n.:
38586 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
38587periods of fighting.
38588 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38589%
38590Peanut Blossoms
38591
385924 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
385934 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
385944 cups shortening 14 cups flour
385958 eggs 4 tsp. soda
385964 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
38597
38598Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
38599cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
38600each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
38601to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
38602%
38603Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
38604 Never eat rutabaga on any day of
38605 the week that has a "y" in it.
38606%
38607Pedaeration, n.:
38608 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
38609sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
38610 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38611%
38612pediddel:
38613 A car with only one working headlight.
38614 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
38615%
38616Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
38617when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
38618baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
38619diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
38620at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
38621Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
38622motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
38623base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
38624What is it?"
38625 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
38626hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
38627Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
38628to Sax.'"
38629 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
38630%
38631Peeping Tom:
38632 A window fan.
38633%
38634Peers's Law:
38635The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
38636%
38637Pelorat sighed.
38638 "I will never understand people."
38639 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
38640at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
38641worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
38642if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
38643weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
38644people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
38645-- no offense intended."
38646 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
38647%
38648Penguin Trivia #46:
38649 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
38650 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
38651%
38652PENGUINICITY!!
38653%
38654pension:
38655 A federally insured chain letter.
38656%
38657People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
38658attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
38659suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
38660case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
38661only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
38662tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
38663 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
38664%
38665People are beginning to notice you.
38666Try dressing before you leave the house.
38667%
38668People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
38669%
38670People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
38671%
38672People don't change; they only become more so.
38673%
38674People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
38675times, four time, five times...
38676%
38677People in general do not willingly read
38678if they have anything else to amuse them.
38679 -- S. Johnson
38680%
38681People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
38682 -- The Best of Will Rogers
38683%
38684People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
38685 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
38686%
38687People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
38688election.
38689 -- Otto von Bismarck
38690%
38691People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
38692rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
38693 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
38694%
38695People often find it easier to be a
38696result of the past than a cause of the future.
38697%
38698People respond to people who respond.
38699%
38700People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
38701*know* me there!
38702 -- D. L. Roth
38703%
38704People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
38705have been left out on the pleasure.
38706 -- Russell Baker
38707%
38708People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
38709absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
38710public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
38711the concentration camps.
38712%
38713People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
38714%
38715People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
38716to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
38717it too.
38718%
38719People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
38720 -- Ken Kesey
38721%
38722People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
38723%
38724People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
38725much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
38726 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
38727%
38728People who claim they don't let little things bother
38729them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
38730%
38731People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
38732 -- Abigail Van Buren
38733%
38734People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
38735%
38736People who have no faults are terrible;
38737there is no way of taking advantage of them.
38738%
38739People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
38740what they want that they don't want it.
38741 -- Ogden Nash
38742%
38743People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
38744%
38745People who push both buttons should get their wish.
38746%
38747People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
38748%
38749People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
38750cold baths.
38751%
38752People who think they know everything
38753greatly annoy those of us who do.
38754%
38755People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
38756Franklin said it first.
38757%
38758People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
38759%
38760People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
38761did yesterday.
38762%
38763People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
38764%
38765People's Action Rules:
38766 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
38767 (2) Some people who should, won't.
38768 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
38769 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
38770 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
38771%
38772Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
38773 -- R. W. Hamming
38774%
38775Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
38776[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
38777or
38778[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
38779 -- Aelius Donatus
38780%
38781Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
38782%
38783perfect guest:
38784 One who makes his host feel at home.
38785%
38786Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
38787anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
38788 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
38789%
38790Performance:
38791 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
38792 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
38793 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
38794%
38795Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
38796I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
38797 -- Oscar Wilde
38798%
38799Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
38800poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
38801 -- Thomas Macaulay
38802%
38803Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
38804%
38805Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
38806behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
38807order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
38808fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
38809%
38810Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is
38811being a bore.
38812 -- Cecil Beaton
38813%
38814Perilous to all of us are the devices of
38815an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
38816 -- Gandalf the Grey
38817%
38818Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
38819upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
38820nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
38821news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
38822the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
38823prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
38824periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
38825negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
38826periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
38827on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
38828case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
38829nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
38830proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
38831civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
38832by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
38833indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
38834instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
38835developments."
38836 -- Fowler's English Usage
38837%
38838Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
38839a merit in political leaders.
38840 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
38841%
38842Personifiers of the world, unite!
38843You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38844 -- Bernadette Bosky
38845%
38846Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38847%
38848Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
38849persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
38850to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
38851 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
38852%
38853pessimist:
38854 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
38855 wolf from the door.
38856
38857optimist:
38858 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
38859 his pants.
38860
38861opportunist:
38862 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
38863%
38864Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
38865Waiter: Who told you?
38866Pete: A little swallow.
38867%
38868Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
38869 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
38870emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
38871identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
38872Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
38873%
38874Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
38875%
38876Peter's Law of Substitution:
38877 Look after the molehills, and the
38878 mountains will look after themselves.
38879
38880Peter's Principle of Success:
38881 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
38882
38883Peter's Principle:
38884 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
38885 his incompetence.
38886%
38887Peterson's Admonition:
38888 When you think you're going down for the third time --
38889 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
38890%
38891Peterson's Rules:
38892 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
38893 are filled with something sticky.
38894 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
38895 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
38896 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
38897%
38898petribar:
38899 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
38900 the window of a vending machine too long.
38901 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38902%
38903Phasers locked on target, Captain.
38904%
38905Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
38906exciting Camden, New Jersey.
38907%
38908Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
38909%
38910philosophy:
38911 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
38912%
38913philosophy:
38914 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
38915%
38916Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
38917 -- John Keats
38918%
38919Phone call for chucky-pooh.
38920%
38921phosflink:
38922 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
38923 will bring it back to life).
38924 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
38925%
38926Photographing a volcano is just about
38927the most miserable thing you can do.
38928 -- Robert B. Goodman
38929 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
38930%
38931Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
38932farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
38933chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
38934 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
38935%
38936Pick another fortune cookie.
38937%
38938Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
38939I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
38940Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
38941She left me not knowing what to do.
38942
38943Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
38944Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
38945The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
38946Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
38947
38948Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
38949I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
38950Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
38951With knowing I got noone left to blame.
38952Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
38953
38954Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
38955I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
38956I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
38957From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
38958 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
38959%
38960Pickle's Law:
38961 If Congress must do a painful thing,
38962 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
38963%
38964"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
38965hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
38966sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
38967%
38968Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
38969Not one damn thing do we solve.
38970 -- 1776
38971%
38972Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
38973%
38974Piece of cake!
38975 -- G. S. Koblas
38976%
38977Pig, n.:
38978 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
38979by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
38980inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
38981 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38982%
38983Pilfering Treasure property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are
38984ruthless in punishing little thieves.
38985 -- Diogenes
38986%
38987Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
38988 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
38989%
38990Piping down the valleys wild,
38991Piping songs of pleasant glee,
38992On a cloud I saw a child,
38993And he laughing said to me:
38994"Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
38995So I piped with merry cheer.
38996"Piper, pipe that song again;"
38997So I piped: he wept to hear.
38998 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
38999%
39000Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
39001the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
39002outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
39003 -- Love and Rockets
39004%
39005PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
39006 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
39007 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
39008 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
39009 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
39010 small animals.
39011%
39012PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
39013 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
39014 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
39015 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
39016 get run over by a bus.
39017%
39018PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
39019 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
39020 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
39021 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
39022 a car.
39023%
39024Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
39025 -- Don Marquis
39026%
39027pixel, n:
39028 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
39029 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
39030 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
39031 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
39032%
39033P-K4
39034%
39035"Plaese porrf raed."
39036 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
39037%
39038Plagiarize, plagiarize,
39039Let no man's work evade your eyes,
39040Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
39041Don't shade your eyes,
39042But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
39043Only be sure to call it research.
39044 -- Tom Lehrer
39045%
39046Planet Claire has pink hair.
39047All the trees are red.
39048No one ever dies there.
39049No one has a head....
39050%
39051Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
39052Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
39053 -- Green Lantern Comics
39054%
39055Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
39056because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
39057couldn't compete successfully with poets.
39058 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
39059 Shell"
39060%
39061PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
39062 What develops when two people get
39063 tired of making love to each other.
39064%
39065Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
39066them.
39067%
39068Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
39069table.
39070 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
39071%
39072Please don't put a strain on our friendship
39073by asking me to do something for you.
39074%
39075Please don't recommend me to your friends--
39076it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
39077%
39078PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
39079
39080Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
39081 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
39082%
39083Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
39084I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
39085%
39086Please go away.
39087%
39088Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
39089%
39090Please ignore previous fortune.
39091%
39092Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
39093%
39094Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
39095%
39096Please remain calm, it's no use both of
39097us being hysterical at the same time.
39098%
39099Please stand for the National Anthem:
39100
39101 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
39102 For we are young and free.
39103 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
39104 Our home is girt by sea.
39105 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
39106 Of beauty rich and rare.
39107 In history's page, let every stage
39108 Advance Australia Fair.
39109 In joyful strains then let us sing,
39110 Advance Australia Fair.
39111
39112Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39113%
39114Please stand for the National Anthem:
39115
39116 God save our Gracious Queen!
39117 Long live our Noble Queen!
39118 God save the Queen!
39119 Send her victorious,
39120 Happy and glorious,
39121 Long to reign o'er us!
39122 God save the Queen!
39123
39124Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39125%
39126Please stand for the National Anthem:
39127
39128 O Canada
39129 Our home and native land
39130 True patriot love
39131 In all thy sons' command
39132 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
39133 The true north strong and free
39134 From far and wide, O Canada
39135 We stand on guard for thee
39136 God keep our land glorious and free
39137 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
39138 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
39139
39140Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39141%
39142Please stand for the National Anthem:
39143
39144 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
39145 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
39146 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
39147 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
39148 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
39149 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
39150 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
39151 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
39152
39153Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39154%
39155Please take note:
39156%
39157Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
39158until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
39159we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
39160 -- N. Meyrowitz
39161%
39162Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
39163%
39164PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
39165solution set.
39166 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
39167%
39168Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
39169of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
39170an uncontainable experience.
39171 -- R. S. Knapp
39172%
39173PLUG IT IN!!!
39174%
39175PLUNDERER'S THEME
39176(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
39177
39178Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
39179If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
39180Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
39181Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
39182%
39183Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
39184%
39185Pohl's law:
39186 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
39187%
39188poisoned coffee, n:
39189 Grounds for divorce.
39190%
39191Poland has gun control.
39192%
39193Police: Good evening, are you the host?
39194Host: No.
39195Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
39196Host: About the drugs?
39197Police: No.
39198Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
39199Police: No, the noise.
39200Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
39201 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
39202 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
39203 The neighbors?
39204Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
39205 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
39206 ask the host to quiet things down?
39207Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
39208 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
39209 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
39210 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
39211 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
39212 down.
39213%
39214Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
39215teach children.
39216 -- W. H. Auden
39217%
39218Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
39219here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
39220 -- Alfred E. Neuman
39221%
39222Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
39223all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
39224%
39225Politician, n.:
39226 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
39227organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
39228agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
39229with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
39230 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39231%
39232Politician, n.:
39233 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
39234"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
39235"polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
39236 -- Martin Pitt
39237%
39238Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
39239to build a bridge even where there is no river.
39240 -- Nikita Khrushchev
39241%
39242Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
39243 -- Arthur C. Clarke
39244%
39245Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
39246been, and never will be wrong.
39247 -- Walter Dwight
39248%
39249Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
39250funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
39251 -- Oscar Ameringer
39252%
39253Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
39254without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
39255for politics.
39256 -- Albert Camus
39257%
39258Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
39259dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
39260 -- Winston Churchill
39261%
39262Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
39263systematic organisation of hatreds.
39264 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
39265%
39266Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
39267enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
39268%
39269Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
39270between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
39271 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
39272%
39273Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
39274realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
39275 -- Ronald Reagan
39276%
39277Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
39278week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
39279explain why it didn't happen.
39280 -- Winston Churchill
39281%
39282Politics, like religion, hold up the
39283torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.
39284 -- Thomas Jefferson
39285%
39286Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
39287 -- Amy Gorin
39288%
39289politics, n:
39290 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
39291 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
39292 -- Ambrose Bierce
39293%
39294Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
39295 The hyperactive child is never absent.
39296%
39297POLYGON:
39298 Dead parrot.
39299%
39300Polymer physicists are into chains.
39301%
39302Poorman's Rule:
39303 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
39304 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
39305 pull it open.
39306%
39307Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
39308Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
39309smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
39310on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
39311possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
39312
39313 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
39314 Half a pound of treacle
39315 That's the way the chimney smokes
39316 Pope Goestheveezl
39317
39318The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
39319streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
39320functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
39321Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
39322 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
39323%
39324Populus vult decipi.
39325[The people like to be deceived.]
39326%
39327Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
39328 -- Risky Business
39329%
39330Portable, adj.:
39331 Survives system reboot.
39332%
39333POSITIVE:
39334 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
39335%
39336Positive, adj.:
39337 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
39338 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39339%
39340Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
39341 -- Ryan
39342%
39343Post proelium, praemium.
39344[After the battle, the reward.]
39345%
39346Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
39347%
39348Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
39349
39350 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
39351left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
39352populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
39353him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
39354line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
39355
39356 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
39357fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
39358unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
39359with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
39360with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
39361diets that are driving them crazy.
39362
39363 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
39364Except with sour cream.
39365%
39366Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
39367
39368 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
39369McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
39370to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
39371behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
39372
39373 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
39374rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
39375of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
39376general butter-melting by all.
39377
39378 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
39379Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
39380%
39381Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
39382%
39383POVERTY:
39384 An unfortunate state that persists as long
39385 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
39386%
39387Poverty begins at home.
39388%
39389Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
39390poor people.
39391 -- Don Herold
39392%
39393Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
39394 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
39395%
39396Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
39397 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
39398%
39399Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
39400%
39401Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
39402 -- Vint Cerf
39403%
39404Power is poison.
39405%
39406Power is the finest token of affection.
39407%
39408Power, like a desolating pestilence,
39409Pollutes whate'er it touches...
39410 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
39411%
39412Power, n:
39413 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
39414%
39415Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
39416 -- Lord Acton
39417%
39418PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
39419%
39420Practical people would be more practical if
39421they would take a little more time for dreaming.
39422 -- J. P. McEvoy
39423%
39424Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
39425 -- Henry Adams
39426%
39427Practically perfect people never permit
39428sentiment to muddle their thinking.
39429 -- Mary Poppins
39430%
39431Practice is the best of all instructors.
39432 -- Publilius
39433%
39434Practice yourself what you preach.
39435 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
39436%
39437PRAIRIES:
39438 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
39439%
39440Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
39441 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
39442%
39443Praise the sea; on shore remain.
39444 -- John Florio
39445%
39446pray, n:
39447 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
39448 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
39449 -- Ambrose Bierce
39450%
39451Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
39452 -- Russian Proverb
39453%
39454Predestination was doomed from the start.
39455%
39456Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
39457 -- Niels Bohr
39458%
39459Prejudice:
39460 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
39461 -- Ambrose Bierce
39462%
39463Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
39464 -- D. E. Knuth
39465%
39466Preserve the old, but know the new.
39467%
39468Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
39469%
39470Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
39471%
39472President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
39473pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
39474%
39475President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
39476of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
39477 -- The Washington Post
39478%
39479Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
39480%
39481Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
39482 It's on the other side.
39483%
39484Price's Advice:
39485 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
39486%
39487[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
39488the working man, he loves to see him work.
39489 -- Winston Churchill
39490%
39491[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
39492largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
39493 -- Winston Churchill
39494%
39495Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
39496For having it off with his Mater;
39497 Revenge Dad or not?
39498 That's the gist of the plot,
39499And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
39500 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
39501%
39502Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
39503taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
39504all I know.
39505 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
39506%
39507Priority:
39508 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
39509 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
39510 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
39511 badly than someone else.
39512%
39513Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
39514 -- Blake
39515%
39516Prizes are for children.
39517 -- Charles Ives,
39518 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
39519%
39520Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
39521%
39522Probable-Possible, my black hen,
39523She lays eggs in the Relative When.
39524She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
39525Because she's unable to postulate How.
39526 -- Frederick Winsor
39527%
39528Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
39529orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
39530is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
39531 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
39532 Teen Should Know"
39533%
39534PROBLEM DRINKER:
39535 A man who never buys.
39536%
39537Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
39538And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
39539for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
39540I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
39541 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
39542%
39543Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
39544 encryption standard and they came up with ...
39545Student: EBCDIC!
39546%
39547Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
39548%
39549Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
39550midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
39551Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
39552has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
39553%
39554PROGRAM:
39555 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
39556 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
39557 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
39558 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
39559%
39560program, n:
39561 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
39562 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
39563 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
39564%
39565Programmers do it bit by bit.
39566%
39567Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
39568without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
39569 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
39570%
39571Programming Department:
39572 Mistakes made while you wait.
39573%
39574Programming is an unnatural act.
39575%
39576Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
39577build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
39578to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
39579
39580 -- Rich Cook
39581%
39582PROGRESS:
39583 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
39584 invading the body and taking possession of it.
39585
39586 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
39587 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
39588%
39589Progress is impossible without change, and those who
39590cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
39591 -- George Bernard Shaw
39592%
39593Progress means replacing a theory that
39594is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
39595%
39596Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
39597 -- Ogden Nash
39598%
39599Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
39600 -- James Thurber
39601%
39602Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
39603%
39604Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
39605%
39606PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
39607 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
39608 level where they can't foul up operations.
39609%
39610Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
39611%
39612Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
39613
39614This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
39615techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
39616
39617SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
39618
39619 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
39620for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
39621as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
39622trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
39623take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
39624 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
39625%
39626Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
39627 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
39628(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
39629(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
39630(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
39631 legs for a horse.
39632(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
39633(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
39634
39635Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
39636 Intimidation
39637 Gesticulation (handwaving)
39638 "Try it; it works"
39639 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
39640 Blatant assertion
39641 Changing all the 2's to _n's
39642 Mutual consent
39643 Lack of a counterexample, and
39644 "It stands to reason"
39645%
39646Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
39647but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
39648 -- Darrell Huff
39649%
39650Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39651
39652BBW Branch Both Ways
39653BEW Branch Either Way
39654BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
39655BH Branch and Hang
39656BMR Branch Multiple Registers
39657BOB Branch On Bug
39658BPO Branch on Power Off
39659BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
39660CDS Condense and Destroy System
39661CLBR Clobber Register
39662CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
39663CM Circulate Memory
39664CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
39665CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
39666CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
39667%
39668Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39669
39670DC Divide and Conquer
39671DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
39672DO Divide and Overflow
39673EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
39674EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
39675EROS Erase Read Only Storage
39676EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
39677HCF Halt and Catch Fire
39678IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
39679INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
39680PBC Print and Break Chain
39681PDSK Punch Disk
39682%
39683Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39684
39685PI Punch Invalid
39686POPI Punch Operator Immediately
39687PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
39688RASC Read And Shred Card
39689RPM Read Programmers Mind
39690RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
39691RTAB Rewind tape and break
39692RWDSK rewind disk
39693RWOC Read Writing On Card
39694SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write
39695SLC Search for Lost Chord
39696SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
39697SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
39698STROM Store in Read Only Memory
39699TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
39700WBT Water Binary Tree
39701%
39702Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
39703 -- Publilius Syrus
39704%
39705Prototype designs always work.
39706 -- Don Vonada
39707%
39708prototype, n.
39709 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
39710 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
39711 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
39712 prototype is not expected to work.
39713%
39714"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
39715than the both put together."
39716%
39717Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
39718where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
39719%
39720Prunes give you a run for your money.
39721%
39722Pryor's Observation:
39723 How long you live has nothing to do
39724 with how long you are going to be dead.
39725%
39726Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
39727three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
39728%
39729Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
39730shortcomings.
39731 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
39732%
39733Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
39734%
39735Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
39736a therapy.
39737 -- Karl Kraus
39738
39739Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
39740
39741Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
39742 -- Carl G. Jung
39743%
39744psychologist, n:
39745 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
39746 into a room.
39747%
39748Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
39749Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
39750Biologists think they're biochemists.
39751Biochemists think they're chemists.
39752Chemists think they're physical chemists.
39753Physical chemists think they're physicists.
39754Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
39755Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
39756Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
39757Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
39758Philosophers think they're gods.
39759%
39760Psychology. Mind over matter.
39761Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
39762Never mind.
39763%
39764Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
39765anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
39766 -- H. L. Mencken
39767%
39768Public use of any portable music system is a
39769virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
39770 -- Zoso
39771%
39772Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
39773a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
39774%
39775Pudder's Law:
39776 Anything that begins well will end badly.
39777 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
39778%
39779Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
39780%
39781Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
39782to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
39783to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
39784cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
39785fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
39786lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
39787the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
39788 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
39789%
39790Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
39791%
39792PURGE COMPLETE.
39793%
39794PURITAN:
39795 Someone who is deathly afraid that
39796 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
39797%
39798Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
39799 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
39800%
39801PURPITATION:
39802 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
39803 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
39804 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
39805%
39806Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
39807%
39808Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
39809%
39810Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
39811%
39812Pushing forty is exercise enough.
39813%
39814Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
39815Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
39816Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
39817 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
39818 of Texas.
39819%
39820Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
39821 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
39822%
39823Put another password in,
39824Bomb it out, then try again.
39825Try to get past logging in,
39826We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
39827
39828Try his first wife's maiden name,
39829This is more than just a game.
39830It's real fun, but just the same,
39831It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
39832%
39833Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
39834%
39835Put no trust in cryptic comments.
39836%
39837Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
39838%
39839Put your best foot forward.
39840Or just call in and say you're sick.
39841%
39842Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
39843%
39844Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
39845 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
39846%
39847Put your trust in those who are worthy.
39848%
39849Putt's Law:
39850 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
39851 Those who understand what they do not manage.
39852 Those who manage what they do not understand.
39853%
39854Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
39855%
39856Q: Are we not men?
39857A: We are Vaxen.
39858%
39859Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
39860A: One per person.
39861%
39862Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
39863A: He got re-possessed!
39864%
39865Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
39866A: With three more bullets.
39867%
39868Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
39869 your wife?
39870A: You have to wait 22 months.
39871%
39872Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
39873 in a hurricane?
39874A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
39875%
39876Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
39877A: When his lips move.
39878%
39879Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
39880A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
39881
39882Q: But how did he get back down?
39883A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
39884%
39885Q: How did the regular expression cross the road?
39886A: ^.*$
39887%
39888Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
39889A: Unique up on it!
39890
39891Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
39892A: The tame way!
39893%
39894Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
39895%
39896Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
39897A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
39898%
39899Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
39900A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
39901%
39902Q: How do you make an elephant float?
39903A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
39904%
39905Q: How do you play religious roulette?
39906A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
39907 struck by lightning first.
39908%
39909Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
39910A: Throw him a rock.
39911%
39912Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
39913A: With a blue-elephant gun.
39914
39915Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
39916A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
39917 a blue-elephant gun.
39918%
39919Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
39920A: Take away his credit cards.
39921%
39922Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
39923 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
39924A: He changes the domain.
39925%
39926Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
39927A: She asks them for a commitment.
39928%
39929Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
39930A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
39931%
39932Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
39933A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
39934 of license fee (binary only).
39935%
39936Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39937A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
39938 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
39939%
39940Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39941A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
39942 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
39943 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
39944
39945Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39946A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
39947 those Californians trying to share the experience.
39948%
39949Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39950A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
39951%
39952Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
39953A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
39954
39955Q: How long does it take?
39956A: It's indeterminate.
39957 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
39958
39959Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
39960A: They replace your generator.
39961%
39962Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
39963A: One more than you can find.
39964%
39965Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
39966A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
39967
39968Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
39969A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
39970
39971Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
39972A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
39973
39974Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
39975A: The door won't shut.
39976
39977Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
39978A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
39979%
39980Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39981A: None. We'll fix it in software.
39982
39983Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
39984A: None. The application can work around it.
39985
39986Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39987A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
39988
39989Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39990A: None. The user can figure it out.
39991%
39992Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39993A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
39994%
39995Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
39996A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
39997%
39998Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
39999A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
40000%
40001Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
40002A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
40003 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
40004 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
40005 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
40006 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
40007%
40008Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40009A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
40010 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
40011 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
40012 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
40013 the bulb in the first place.
40014%
40015Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40016A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
40017%
40018Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40019A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
40020party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
40021agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
40022from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
40023upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
40024the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
40025at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
40026the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
40027second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
40028parties.
40029 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
40030limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
40031elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
40032means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
40033of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
40034non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
40035becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
40036have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
40037consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
40038Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
40039shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
40040occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
40041step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
40042should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
40043The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
40044first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
40045produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
40046%
40047Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40048A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
40049 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
40050%
40051Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
40052A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
40053%
40054Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40055A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
40056%
40057Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40058A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
40059 to the earlier joke.
40060%
40061Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
40062 light bulb?
40063A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
40064 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
40065 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
40066 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
40067 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
40068 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
40069 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
40070 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
40071 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
40072 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
40073 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
40074 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
40075 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
40076 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
40077 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
40078 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
40079 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
40080 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
40081%
40082Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
40083 bulb?
40084A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
40085 witness.
40086%
40087Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
40088A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
40089 out from under him.
40090%
40091Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
40092A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
40093 to really want to change.
40094%
40095Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
40096A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
40097 the ship out of disgrace."
40098
40099 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
40100 a fight. They consider this it to be a discrace, though it's
40101 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
40102%
40103Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
40104A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
40105 with brightly colored machine tools.
40106
40107 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
40108%
40109Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
40110A: One.
40111%
40112Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
40113A: 2 bits.
40114%
40115Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
40116A: 9 edge down.
40117%
40118Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
40119 and putting wings on an elephant is?
40120A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
40121%
40122Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
40123A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
40124 bottles into the typewriter.
40125%
40126Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?
40127A: .+
40128%
40129Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
40130A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
40131
40132Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
40133 sunglasses?
40134A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
40135%
40136Q: What did the regular expression match?
40137A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match"
40138%
40139Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
40140A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
40141 they go down on you.
40142
40143Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
40144A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
40145
40146Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
40147 puzzle in only 6 months?
40148A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
40149%
40150Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
40151A: The very best person they can possibly be.
40152%
40153Q: What do monsters eat?
40154A: Things.
40155
40156Q: What do monsters drink?
40157A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
40158%
40159Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
40160A: The impossible dream.
40161%
40162Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love?
40163A: Rule the country.
40164%
40165Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
40166A: The same middle name.
40167%
40168Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
40169A: A dope ring.
40170
40171Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
40172A: To cover up the valve stem.
40173
40174Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
40175 puzzle in only 6 months?
40176A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
40177%
40178Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
40179A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
40180
40181Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
40182A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
40183%
40184Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
40185A: A stick.
40186%
40187Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
40188A: An interpreter.
40189
40190Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
40191A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
40192
40193Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
40194A: A wind tunnel.
40195%
40196Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
40197A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
40198
40199 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
40200 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
40201%
40202Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
40203 eating fruit, and singing?
40204A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
40205%
40206Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
40207A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
40208%
40209Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
40210A: A good start.
40211%
40212Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
40213 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
40214A: A deep C diva.
40215%
40216Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
40217A. A Christian Science Monitor.
40218%
40219Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
40220 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
40221A: A failure.
40222%
40223Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
40224 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
40225A: A howdah duty.
40226%
40227Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
40228 sheep bites you?
40229A: Ewe nicks.
40230%
40231Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
40232A: An offer you can't understand.
40233%
40234Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
40235A: Hot cross bunnies!
40236%
40237Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
40238A: Not enough sand.
40239%
40240Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning?
40241A: She goes home.
40242
40243Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
40244A: To keep her neck warm.
40245
40246Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
40247A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
40248%
40249Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
40250A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
40251 a delicious dessert.
40252%
40253Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
40254A: Open other end.
40255%
40256Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
40257A: Exploding sheep.
40258%
40259Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room?
40260A: A dinner party.
40261%
40262Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
40263A: Moby Pickle.
40264%
40265Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
40266A: Feet.
40267%
40268Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
40269A: A ball point carrot.
40270%
40271Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
40272A: Open other end.
40273%
40274Q: What is purple and commutes?
40275A: A boolean grape.
40276%
40277Q: What is purple and commutes?
40278A: An Abelian grape.
40279%
40280Q: What is purple and concord the world?
40281A: Alexander the Grape.
40282%
40283Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
40284 existentialist?"
40285A: "Is there a dog?"
40286%
40287Q: What is the difference between a duck?
40288A: One leg is both the same.
40289%
40290Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
40291A: Yogurt has culture.
40292%
40293Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
40294A: Her bowling shoes.
40295%
40296Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
40297A: I think I'm drunk.
40298
40299Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
40300A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
40301
40302Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
40303A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
40304%
40305Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
40306A: Mu.
40307%
40308Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
40309A: A nervous wreck.
40310%
40311Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
40312 plays like a monkey?
40313A: Nothing.
40314%
40315Q: What regular expression do you often see around christmas?
40316A: [^L]
40317%
40318Q: What's black and white and red all over?
40319A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
40320%
40321Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
40322A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
40323%
40324Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
40325A: A doberman.
40326%
40327Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
40328A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
40329 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
40330
40331Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
40332A: Artificial intelligence.
40333
40334Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
40335A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
40336%
40337Q. What's the capital of Canada?
40338A. American.
40339%
40340Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
40341 lawyer in the road?
40342A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
40343%
40344Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
40345A: You can't get down off an elephant.
40346%
40347Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
40348A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
40349%
40350Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
40351A: The moustache.
40352%
40353Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
40354A: One more drunk.
40355%
40356Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
40357A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
40358%
40359Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
40360A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
40361%
40362Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
40363A: A canary with the super-user password.
40364%
40365Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
40366A: Zorn's Lemon.
40367%
40368Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
40369A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
40370
40371Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
40372A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
40373%
40374Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
40375A: Lawn Boy.
40376%
40377Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
40378A: Because they're worth it!
40379%
40380Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
40381A: Because he was hungry.
40382%
40383Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
40384A: To see what was on the other side.
40385
40386Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
40387A: More head room.
40388
40389Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
40390A: She opens the car door.
40391%
40392Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
40393A: He was giving it last rites.
40394%
40395Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
40396A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
40397
40398Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
40399A: To get to the other slide.
40400%
40401Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
40402A: To get to the other slide.
40403%
40404Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
40405A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
40406%
40407Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
40408A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
40409%
40410Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
40411A: Because that was her name.
40412%
40413Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
40414A: To get to the middle.
40415%
40416Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
40417A: To stamp out forest fires.
40418
40419Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
40420A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
40421%
40422Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
40423A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
40424%
40425Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
40426A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
40427%
40428Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
40429A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
40430 Oh, right, *of course*!
40431%
40432Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
40433A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
40434 an eye on the two intellectuals.
40435%
40436Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
40437 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
40438A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
40439%
40440Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
40441A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
40442
40443Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
40444A: To keep their ankles warm.
40445
40446Q: How do you kill a blonde?
40447A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
40448%
40449Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
40450A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
40451%
40452Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
40453A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
40454 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
40455 visiting, they always take three.
40456%
40457Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
40458A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
40459 gets all the credit.
40460%
40461Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
40462 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
40463A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
40464%
40465Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
40466A: It takes too long to retrain them.
40467
40468Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
40469A: All the blondes have gone home!
40470
40471Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
40472A: There's white-out on the screen.
40473%
40474Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
40475 soup in a plate?
40476A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
40477%
40478Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
40479A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
40480%
40481Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
40482A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
40483%
40484Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40485A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
40486 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
40487 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
40488 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
40489%
40490Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
40491 in San Francisco?
40492A: Both of them.
40493%
40494Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40495A: One and a half.
40496%
40497Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
40498A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
40499 of the way.
40500%
40501Q: What's a light-year?
40502A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
40503%
40504Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
40505A: Because it was on the other side.
40506%
40507Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What
40508 should I do?
40509
40510A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
40511 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be
40512 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No
40513 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
40514 somebody else has made the correction.
40515
40516 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
40517 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
40518 to inform the whole net right away!
40519
40520 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
40521 on Netiquette"
40522%
40523Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
40524A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
40525%
40526Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
40527A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
40528%
40529Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
40530A: The Titanic had a band.
40531%
40532QED.
40533%
40534QOTD:
40535 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
40536%
40537QOTD:
40538 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
40539%
40540QOTD:
40541 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
40542%
40543QOTD:
40544 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
40545%
40546QOTD:
40547 All I want is more than my fair share.
40548%
40549QOTD:
40550 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
40551 have to stop and breathe."
40552 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
40553%
40554QOTD:
40555 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
40556%
40557QOTD:
40558 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
40559%
40560QOTD:
40561 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
40562 I go to work."
40563%
40564QOTD:
40565 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
40566 save the earth!
40567%
40568QOTD:
40569 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
40570%
40571QOTD:
40572 "Her other car is a broom."
40573%
40574QOTD:
40575 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
40576 her to cook."
40577%
40578QOTD:
40579 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
40580%
40581QOTD:
40582 How can I miss you if you won't go away?
40583%
40584QOTD:
40585 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
40586%
40587QOTD:
40588 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
40589%
40590QOTD:
40591 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
40592other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
40593%
40594QOTD:
40595 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
40596%
40597QOTD:
40598 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
40599%
40600QOTD:
40601 I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
40602%
40603QOTD:
40604 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion."
40605%
40606QOTD:
40607 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
40608%
40609QOTD:
40610 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
40611 ball in their court.
40612 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
40613%
40614QOTD:
40615 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
40616 didn't work."
40617%
40618QOTD:
40619 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
40620 horse with one of the horns broken off."
40621%
40622QOTD:
40623 "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
40624%
40625QOTD:
40626 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
40627 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
40628%
40629QOTD:
40630 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
40631%
40632QOTD:
40633 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
40634 the lost."
40635%
40636QOTD:
40637 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
40638%
40639QOTD:
40640 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
40641%
40642QOTD:
40643 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
40644%
40645QOTD:
40646 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
40647 dog for dinner."
40648%
40649QOTD:
40650 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
40651 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
40652%
40653QOTD:
40654 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
40655%
40656QOTD:
40657 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
40658%
40659QOTD:
40660 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
40661%
40662QOTD:
40663 If it's too loud, you're too old.
40664%
40665QOTD:
40666 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
40667%
40668QOTD:
40669 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
40670%
40671QOTD:
40672 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
40673%
40674QOTD:
40675 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
40676%
40677QOTD:
40678 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
40679%
40680QOTD:
40681 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
40682
40683 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
40684%
40685QOTD:
40686 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
40687%
40688QOTD:
40689 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
40690%
40691QOTD:
40692 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
40693%
40694QOTD:
40695 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
40696 stations anymore."
40697%
40698QOTD:
40699 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
40700 hands in his own pockets."
40701%
40702QOTD:
40703 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
40704%
40705QOTD:
40706 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
40707%
40708QOTD:
40709 "It's been Monday all week today."
40710%
40711QOTD:
40712 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
40713%
40714QOTD:
40715 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
40716 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
40717%
40718QOTD:
40719 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
40720%
40721QOTD:
40722 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
40723 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
40724%
40725QOTD:
40726 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
40727 strike. To make less money."
40728%
40729QOTD:
40730 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
40731 all of my stuff."
40732%
40733QOTD:
40734 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
40735%
40736QOTD:
40737 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
40738 trivial."
40739%
40740QOTD:
40741 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
40742%
40743QOTD:
40744 "Let's do it."
40745 -- Gary Gilmore
40746%
40747QOTD:
40748 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
40749%
40750QOTD:
40751 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
40752 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
40753 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
40754 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
40755%
40756QOTD:
40757 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
40758%
40759QOTD:
40760 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
40761 her husband work."
40762%
40763QOTD:
40764 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
40765%
40766QOTD:
40767 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
40768%
40769QOTD:
40770 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
40771%
40772QOTD:
40773 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
40774 a fake?"
40775%
40776QOTD:
40777 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
40778%
40779QOTD:
40780 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
40781%
40782QOTD:
40783 "Our parents were never our age."
40784%
40785QOTD:
40786 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
40787%
40788QOTD:
40789 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
40790 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
40791%
40792QOTD:
40793 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
40794%
40795QOTD:
40796 "She's about as smart as bait."
40797%
40798QOTD:
40799 Silence is the only virtue he has left.
40800%
40801QOTD:
40802 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
40803%
40804QOTD:
40805 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
40806%
40807QOTD:
40808 Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
40809 I do what I get paid to do.
40810%
40811QOTD:
40812 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
40813 neck to get the dog to play with it."
40814%
40815QOTD:
40816 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
40817%
40818QOTD:
40819 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
40820 the snakes have gone away.
40821%
40822QOTD:
40823 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
40824%
40825QOTD:
40826 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
40827 left."
40828%
40829QOTD:
40830 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
40831%
40832QOTD:
40833 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
40834%
40835QOTD:
40836 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
40837 think he was broken!"
40838%
40839QOTD:
40840 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
40841 when I mess things up."
40842%
40843QOTD:
40844 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
40845 "baring your neck."
40846%
40847QOTD:
40848 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
40849%
40850QOTD:
40851 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
40852%
40853QOTD:
40854 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
40855 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great...
40856%
40857QOTD:
40858 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
40859 How... tribal."
40860%
40861QOTD:
40862 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
40863%
40864QOTD:
40865Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
40866to late to punish.
40867%
40868QOTD:
40869I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
40870then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
40871 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
40872%
40873QOTD:
40874"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
40875 -- Kathy Ireland
40876%
40877QOTD:
40878"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
40879%
40880QOTD:
40881Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency
40882on my part.
40883%
40884QOTD:
40885On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
40886%
40887QOTD:
40888Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
40889%
40890QOTD:
40891The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
40892gerbil has more dark meat.
40893%
40894Quack!
40895 Quack!! Quack!!
40896%
40897Quality control:
40898 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
40899 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
40900%
40901Quality Control, n.:
40902 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
40903a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
40904%
40905Quantity is no substitute for quality,
40906but its the only one we've got.
40907%
40908Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
40909 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
40910%
40911Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
40912%
40913QUARK:
40914 The sound made by a well bred duck.
40915%
40916Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
40917%
40918Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
40919exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
40920devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might eminate
40921from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
40922Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
40923weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
40924reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
40925 -- Dennis Miller
40926%
40927question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
40928 -- Wm. Shakespeare
40929%
40930QUESTION AUTHORITY.
40931
40932(Sez who?)
40933%
40934Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
40935they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
40936%
40937Questionable day.
40938Ask somebody something.
40939%
40940Question:
40941Man Invented Alcohol,
40942God Invented Grass.
40943Who do you trust?
40944%
40945Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
40946 -- Oscar Wilde
40947%
40948Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
40949%
40950Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
40951%
40952Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
40953
40954(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
40955%
40956Quigley's Law:
40957 Whoever has any authority over you,
40958 no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
40959%
40960Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
40961 -- Robert Orben
40962%
40963Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
40964After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
40965%
40966QUOTE OF THE DAY:
40967
40968 `
40969
40970%
40971Qvid me anxivs svm?
40972%
40973QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
40974 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
40975kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one
40976thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
40977painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
40978person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
40979 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
40980%
40981Radicalism:
40982 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
40983 -- A. Bierce
40984%
40985RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
40986READY
40987>_
40988%
40989Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
40990%
40991Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
40992 -- Albert Einstein
40993%
40994rain falls where clouds come
40995sun shines where clouds go
40996clouds just come and go
40997 -- Florian Gutzwiller
40998%
40999Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
41000%
41001Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
41002%
41003Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
41004%
41005Ralph's Observation:
41006It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
41007realise that you are in a hurry.
41008%
41009RAM wasn't built in a day.
41010%
41011Random, n:
41012 as in number, predictable.
41013 as in memory access, unpredictable.
41014%
41015Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
41016%
41017Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
41018 -- Errol Flynn
41019%
41020Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
41021saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
41022magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
41023bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
41024secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
41025when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
41026insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
41027before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
41028A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
41029engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
41030 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
41031%
41032Ray's Rule of Precision:
41033 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
41034%
41035Razors pain you;
41036Rivers are damp;
41037Acids stain you;
41038And drugs cause cramp.
41039Guns aren't lawful;
41040Nooses give;
41041Gas smells awful;
41042You might as well live.
41043 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
41044%
41045Re: Graphics:
41046 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
41047 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
41048 described with pictures.
41049%
41050Reach into the thoughts of friends,
41051And find they do not know your name.
41052Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
41053And watch the feathers burst the seams.
41054Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
41055And feel its chill upon your blood.
41056Hold a candle to the night,
41057And see the darkness bend the flame.
41058Tear the mask of peace from God,
41059And hear the roar of souls in hell.
41060Pluck a rose in name of love,
41061And watch the petals curl and wilt.
41062Lean upon the western wind,
41063And know you are alone.
41064 -- Dru Mims
41065%
41066Reactor error - core dumped!
41067%
41068Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
41069Congress. But I repeat myself.
41070 -- Mark Twain
41071%
41072Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
41073%
41074Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
41075%
41076Reagan can't act either.
41077%
41078Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
41079value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
41080much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
41081this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
41082%
41083Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
41084limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
41085so poor at I/O.
41086%
41087Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
41088so long they can't afford the disk space.
41089%
41090Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
41091in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
41092%
41093Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
41094`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
41095(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
41096%
41097Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
41098could they read their mail?
41099%
41100Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
41101future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
41102will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
41103%
41104Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
41105programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
41106trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
41107clear desks.
41108%
41109Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
41110doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
41111quiche.
41112%
41113Real programmers don't document; if it was
41114hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
41115%
41116Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
41117illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
41118good it did them.
41119%
41120Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
41121%
41122Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
41123you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
41124wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
41125spring up in the middle of the machine room.
41126%
41127Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
41128in BASIC after reaching puberty.
41129%
41130Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
41131freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
41132wear white socks.
41133%
41134Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
41135programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
41136%
41137Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
41138%
41139Real programs don't eat cache.
41140%
41141Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
41142use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
41143%
41144Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
41145This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
41146computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
41147%
41148Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
41149greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
41150moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
41151systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal
41152computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
41153DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
41154Correctness Verification Aid packages.
41155%
41156Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
41157job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
41158using an undocumented external procedure.
41159%
41160Real Time, adj.:
41161 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
41162and then.
41163%
41164Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
41165afraid to break your face.
41166%
41167Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
41168down the system for days.
41169%
41170Real Users hate Real Programmers.
41171%
41172Real Users know your home telephone number.
41173%
41174Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
41175program doesn't deliver it.
41176%
41177Real Users never use the Help key.
41178%
41179Real wealth can only increase.
41180 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
41181%
41182Real World, The n.:
41183 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
41184be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
41185programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
41186to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
41187tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4.
41188The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
41189"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
41190pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
41191of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
41192deceased person.
41193%
41194Reality -- what a concept!
41195 -- Robin Williams
41196%
41197Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
41198%
41199Reality does not exist - yet.
41200%
41201Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
41202%
41203Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
41204%
41205Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
41206 -- Patrick Sky
41207%
41208Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
41209 -- Lily Tomlin
41210%
41211Reality is for people who lack imagination.
41212%
41213Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
41214%
41215Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
41216 -- Alvy Ray Smith
41217%
41218Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
41219%
41220Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
41221 -- Lily Tomlin
41222%
41223"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
41224away".
41225 -- Philip K. Dick
41226%
41227Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
41228cannot be fooled.
41229 -- R. P. Feynman
41230%
41231Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
41232%
41233Reappraisal, n:
41234 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
41235%
41236Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
41237 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
41238%
41239Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
41240being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
41241 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
41242%
41243Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
41244%
41245Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
41246is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
41247 -- C. N. Parkinson
41248%
41249Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
41250his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
41251"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
41252microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
41253bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
41254Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
41255Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
41256"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
41257 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
41258%
41259Reception area, n:
41260 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
41261 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
41262 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
41263 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
41264 Cosmopolitan.
41265%
41266Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
41267lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
41268but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
41269Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
41270%
41271Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
41272 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
41273 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
41274 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
41275 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
41276 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
41277 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
41278 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
41279 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
41280 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
41281 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
41282 (8) Add an olive.
41283 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
41284%
41285Reclaimer, spare that tree!
41286Take not a single bit!
41287It used to point to me,
41288Now I'm protecting it.
41289It was the reader's CONS
41290That made it, paired by dot;
41291Now, GC, for the nonce,
41292Thou shalt reclaim it not.
41293%
41294Recursion is the root of computation
41295since it trades description for time.
41296%
41297Recursion: n. See Recursion.
41298 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
41299%
41300Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
41301administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
41302%
41303Regnant populi.
41304%
41305Regression analysis:
41306 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
41307 getting worse.
41308%
41309Reichel's Law:
41310 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
41311 an outside force.
41312%
41313Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
41314 -- Thomas Berger
41315%
41316Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
41317 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
41318%
41319Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
41320knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
41321 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
41322%
41323...relaxed in the manner of a man who
41324has no need to put up a front of any kind.
41325 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
41326%
41327Reliable source, n:
41328 The guy you just met.
41329%
41330Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
41331 -- Anatole France
41332%
41333Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
41334%
41335Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
41336 -- Napoleon
41337%
41338Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
41339%
41340Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
41341extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
41342 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
41343 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
41344%
41345"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
41346it."
41347 -- Dave Barry
41348%
41349Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
41350%
41351Remember Darwin; building a better
41352mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
41353%
41354Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
41355with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
41356deserts.
41357 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
41358%
41359Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
41360offense!
41361%
41362Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
41363%
41364Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
41365 -- Jim Samuels
41366%
41367Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
41368have an established user base.
41369%
41370Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
41371the first one.
41372 -- Confusion
41373%
41374"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
41375*not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
41376 -- Good Morning VietNam
41377%
41378Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
41379that you're the one holding it.
41380 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
41381%
41382Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
41383 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller)
41384 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
41385 Across The Eighth Dimension"
41386%
41387Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
41388 -- Dave Butler
41389%
41390Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
41391you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
41392 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
41393%
41394Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
41395 -- Hans Liepmann
41396%
41397Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
41398worse in Cleveland.
41399 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
41400%
41401Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
41402%
41403Remember the... the... uhh.....
41404%
41405Remember thee
41406Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
41407In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
41408Yea, from the table of my memory
41409I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
41410All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
41411That youth and observation copied there.
41412 -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet"
41413%
41414Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
41415%
41416Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
41417 -- Mt.
41418%
41419Remember: use logout to logout.
41420%
41421Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
41422 -- Chinese proverb
41423%
41424Remove me from this land of slaves,
41425Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
41426Where every knave and fool is bought,
41427Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
41428 -- Jonathan Swift
41429%
41430Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
41431does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
41432%
41433Renning's Maxim:
41434 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
41435%
41436Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
41437 -- Mark Twain
41438%
41439Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
41440 -- Indiana University footbal cheer
41441%
41442Reply hazy, ask again later.
41443%
41444Reporter:
41445 A writer who guesses his way to the truth
41446 and dispels it with a tempest of words.
41447 -- Ambrose Bierce
41448%
41449Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
41450Yogi Berra: "Closed."
41451%
41452Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
41453Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
41454%
41455Reporter, n.:
41456 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
41457tempest of words.
41458 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
41459%
41460REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
41461
41462SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
41463the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
41464carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
41465I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
41466of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
41467do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
41468ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
41469need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
41470career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
41471that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
41472can't help it.
41473 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
41474%
41475Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
41476 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
41477Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
41478%
41479Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
41480Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
41481
41482Democrats eat the fish they catch.
41483Republicans hang them on the wall.
41484
41485Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
41486Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
41487
41488Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
41489Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
41490
41491Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
41492That is why there are more Democrats.
41493 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
41494%
41495Reputation, adj:
41496 What others are not thinking about you.
41497%
41498Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
41499you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
41500so you're still a valiant nerd.
41501%
41502Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
41503and think what nobody else has thought.
41504%
41505Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
41506 -- Wernher von Braun
41507%
41508Research, n:
41509 Consider Columbus:
41510 He didn't know where he was going.
41511 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
41512 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
41513 And he did it all on someone else's money.
41514%
41515Resisting temptation is easier when you
41516think you'll probably get another chance later on.
41517%
41518Responsibility:
41519 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
41520a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
41521goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
41522is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
41523 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
41524%
41525Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
41526actually have a shot at it.
41527%
41528Reunite Gondwondaland!
41529%
41530Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
41531Bobby: Slow down.
41532Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
41533Bobby: Slow down.
41534Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
41535%
41536Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
41537%
41538Revenge is a meal best served cold.
41539%
41540Review Questions
41541
415421: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
41543 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
41544 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
41545 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
41546
415472: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
41548 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
41549 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
41550 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
41551
415523: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
41553 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
41554 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
41555 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
41556%
41557Revolution, n:
41558 A form of government abroad.
41559%
41560Revolution, n:
41561 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
41562 -- Ambrose Bierce
41563%
41564revolutionary, adj:
41565 Repackaged.
41566%
41567Rhode's Law:
41568 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
41569 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
41570 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
41571 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
41572 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
41573 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
41574 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
41575 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
41576 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
41577 assume otherwise, maybe.
41578%
41579Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
41580should be happier than others.
41581 -- Oscar Wilde
41582%
41583Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
41584He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
41585lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
41586world.
41587 -- Senator Barry Goldwater
41588%
41589Riches cover a multitude of woes.
41590 -- Menander
41591%
41592Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
41593Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
41594 going on here."
41595Croupier (handing money to Renault):
41596 "Your winnings, sir."
41597Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
41598 -- Casablanca
41599%
41600Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
41601Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
41602%
41603"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
41604 -- Steven Wright
41605%
41606"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
41607machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
41608rights, which they use or do not use.
41609 -- Lazarus Long
41610%
41611Ring around the collar.
41612%
41613Ritchie's Rule:
41614 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
41615 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
41616 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
41617%
41618Robot, n:
41619 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
41620%
41621Robot, n:
41622 University administrator.
41623%
41624Robustness, adj:
41625 Never having to say you're sorry.
41626%
41627Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
41628 Unless the results are known in advance,
41629 funding agencies will reject the proposal.
41630%
41631Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
41632become necessary.
41633 -- Edgar Friedenberg
41634%
41635Rome was not built in one day.
41636 -- John Heywood
41637%
41638Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
41639%
41640ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
41641MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
41642 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
41643%
41644Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
41645He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
41646Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
41647Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
41648 -- Elvis Costello
41649%
41650Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
41651 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
41652 Pogo"
41653%
41654Roses are red;
41655 Violets are blue.
41656I'm schizophrenic,
41657 And so am I.
41658%
41659Rotten wood cannot be carved.
41660 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
41661%
41662Round Numbers are always false.
41663 -- Samuel Johnson
41664%
41665Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
41666%
41667Rubber bands have snappy endings!
41668%
41669Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
41670Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
41671%
41672Rudd's Discovery:
41673 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
41674 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
41675 stay in Washington and make it there.
41676%
41677Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
41678%
41679Rudin's Law:
41680 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
41681 do it every time.
41682
41683Rudin's Second Law:
41684 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
41685 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
41686 course.
41687%
41688rugby, n:
41689 Elegant violence.
41690
41691 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
41692 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
41693 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
41694
41695 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
41696%
41697RUGGED:
41698 Too heavy to lift.
41699%
41700Rule #1:
41701 The Boss is always right.
41702
41703Rule #2:
41704 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
41705%
41706Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
41707 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
41708be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
41709shall be deemed to be a cat.
41710%
41711Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
41712 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
41713not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
41714sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
41715regain their composure.
41716%
41717Rule of Creative Research:
41718 1) Never draw what you can copy.
41719 2) Never copy what you can trace.
41720 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
41721%
41722Rule of Defactualization:
41723 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
41724%
41725Rule of Feline Frustration:
41726 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
41727 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
41728 bathroom.
41729%
41730Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
41731%
41732Rule of the Great:
41733 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
41734 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
41735%
41736Rule the Empire through force.
41737 -- Shogun Tokugawa
41738%
41739Rules:
41740 (1) The boss is always right.
41741 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
41742%
41743Rules for Academic Deans:
41744 (1) HIDE!!!!
41745 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
41746 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
41747%
41748Rules for driving in New York:
41749 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
41750 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
41751 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
41752 intersection.
41753%
41754Rules for Good Grammar #4.
41755 1: Don't use no double negatives.
41756 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
41757 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
41758 4: About them sentence fragments.
41759 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
41760 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
41761 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
41762 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
41763 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
4176410: Try to not ever split infinitives.
4176511: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
4176612: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
4176713: Correct speling is essential.
4176814: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
4176915: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
41770 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
41771 become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
41772%
41773Rules for Writers:
41774 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
41775negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
41776and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
41777omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
41778unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
41779a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
41780Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
41781Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
41782us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
41783snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
41784told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
41785avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
41786phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
41787death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
41788%
41789RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
41790 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
41791 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
41792 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
41793 (4) Enjoy your food.
41794 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
41795 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
41796 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
41797 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
41798 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
41799 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
41800 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
41801 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
41802 can always eat it later.
41803 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
41804 (11) Avoid blue food.
41805 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
41806%
41807Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
41808 -- Lao Tsu
41809%
41810Rune's Rule:
41811 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
41812%
41813Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
41814 -- John Cameron Swayze
41815%
41816Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
41817he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
41818 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
41819 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
41820 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
41821%
41822Ryan's Law:
41823 Make three correct guesses consecutively
41824 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
41825%
41826RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41827RY RY
41828RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY
41829RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY
41830RY RY
41831RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY
41832RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY
41833RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY
41834RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY
41835RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY
41836RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY
41837RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY
41838RY RY
41839RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41840.
41841.
41842SYSTEM READY.
41843?
41844 -- Chris Suslowicz
41845%
41846Sacher's Observation:
41847 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
41848%
41849Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
41850%
41851SADISM:
41852 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
41853%
41854sadoequinecrophilia, n:
41855 Beating a dead horse.
41856%
41857Safety Third.
41858%
41859Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
41860 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
41861
41862 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
41863 bugs, ants.
41864 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
41865 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
41866 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
41867 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
41868 6. People ignore you at parties.
41869 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
41870 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
41871%
41872SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
41873
41874 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
41875Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
41876to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
41877space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
41878violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
41879turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
41880center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
41881%
41882SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
41883 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
41884 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
41885 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
41886 laugh at you a great deal.
41887%
41888SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
41889 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
41890 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
41891 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
41892%
41893SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
41894 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
41895 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
41896 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
41897%
41898Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
41899got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
41900the ashtray."
41901%
41902Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
41903 -- Heard on Noahs' ark
41904%
41905Sailors in ships, sail on!
41906Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
41907%
41908Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
41909 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
41910%
41911Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
41912in small amounts over a long period of time.
41913 -- George Carlin
41914%
41915Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
41916 with me.
41917Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
41918 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
41919 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
41920 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
41921Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
41922Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
41923 uncharted waters here.
41924 -- Sally Forth
41925%
41926Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
41927Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
41928 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41929
41930Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
41931Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
41932 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41933
41934Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
41935Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
41936 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41937%
41938Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
41939Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
41940Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
41941Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
41942Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
41943 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
41944
41945Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
41946Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
41947 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
41948
41949Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
41950Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
41951 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
41952%
41953Sam: What do you say, Norm?
41954Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
41955 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
41956
41957Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
41958Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
41959 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
41960
41961Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
41962All: Norm! (Norman.)
41963Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
41964Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
41965 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
41966%
41967Sam: What's going on, Normie?
41968Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
41969 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
41970 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
41971
41972Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
41973Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
41974 Found him every couple of blocks.
41975 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
41976%
41977Sam: What's new, Norm?
41978Norm: Most of my wife.
41979 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
41980
41981Coach: Beer, Norm?
41982Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
41983 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
41984
41985Coach: What's doing, Norm?
41986Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
41987 to be the guinea pig.
41988 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
41989%
41990SAN DIEGO:
41991 Four million people, where you can't get a
41992 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
41993%
41994San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
41995people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
41996they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
41997One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
41998 -- George Halas, professional footbal coach
41999%
42000San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
42001 -- Herb Caen
42002%
42003San Francisco, n.:
42004 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
42005%
42006Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
42007%
42008Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
42009 -- Mark Harrold
42010%
42011Sank heaven for leetle curls.
42012%
42013Santa Claus is watching!
42014%
42015Santa Claus wears a red suit
42016He's a Communist.
42017
42018He has long hair and a beard
42019Must be a pacifist.
42020
42021And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
42022
42023Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
42024He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
42025
42026Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
42027 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
42028%
42029Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
42030%
42031Satellite Safety Tip #14:
42032 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
42033%
42034Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
42035%
42036Satire is tragedy plus time.
42037 -- Lenny Bruce
42038%
42039Satire is what closes in New Haven.
42040%
42041Satire is what closes Saturday night.
42042 -- George Kaufman
42043%
42044Sattinger's Law:
42045 It works better if you plug it in.
42046%
42047Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
42048Is like being nowhere at all,
42049All through the day how the hours rush by,
42050You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
42051 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
42052%
42053Satyrs have more faun.
42054%
42055Sauron is alive in Argentina!
42056%
42057Savage's Law of Expediency:
42058 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
42059%
42060Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
42061surprised at how little you have.
42062 -- Ernest Haskins
42063%
42064Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
42065 -- Jason Zions
42066%
42067Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
42068%
42069Save energy: be apathetic.
42070%
42071Save gas, don't eat beans.
42072%
42073Save gas, don't use the shell.
42074%
42075Save the bales!
42076%
42077Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
42078%
42079Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
42080%
42081Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
42082%
42083Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
42084Bust in business, lost your wife;
42085No one cares a cent about you,
42086You don't care a cent for life;
42087Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
42088Health is failing, wish you'd die--
42089Why, you've still the sunshine left you
42090And the big blue sky.
42091 -- R. W. Service
42092%
42093Say it with flowers,
42094Or say it with mink,
42095But whatever you do,
42096Don't say it with ink!
42097 -- Jimmie Durante
42098%
42099Say many of cameras focused t'us,
42100Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
42101No justice, please, curse ye!
42102We really want mercy:
42103You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
42104 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
42105%
42106Say my love is easy had,
42107Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
42108Say I am too often sad --
42109Still behold me at your side.
42110
42111Say I'm neither brave nor young,
42112Say I woo and coddle care,
42113Say the devil touched my tongue,
42114Still you have my heart to wear.
42115
42116But say my verses do not scan,
42117And I get me another man!
42118 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
42119%
42120Say no, then negotiate.
42121 -- Helga
42122%
42123Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
42124%
42125Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
42126%
42127SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
42128 -- Ken Thompson
42129%
42130SCENARIO:
42131 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
42132 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
42133 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
42134%
42135Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
42136%
42137Scene:
42138 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
42139room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
42140white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
42141filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
42142shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
42143intently watching him.
42144
42145Caption:
42146 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
42147%
42148Schapiro's Explanation:
42149 The grass is always greener on the other side --
42150 but that's because they use more manure.
42151%
42152Schizophrenia beats being alone.
42153%
42154schlattwhapper, n:
42155 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
42156 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
42157 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42158%
42159Schmidt's Observation:
42160 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
42161 than a thin person.
42162%
42163Schnuffel, n.:
42164 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
42165mixed company.
42166 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42167%
42168Schwiggle, n.:
42169 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
42170pencil.
42171 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42172%
42173Science and religion are in full accord but
42174science and faith are in complete discord.
42175%
42176Science Fiction, Double Feature.
42177Frank has built and lost his creature.
42178Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
42179The servants gone to a distant planet.
42180Wo, oh, oh, oh.
42181At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
42182I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
42183To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
42184 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
42185%
42186Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
42187collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
42188is a house.
42189 -- Jules Henri Poincare
42190%
42191Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
42192of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
42193is not necessarily science.
42194 -- Henri Poincair'e
42195%
42196Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
42197out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
42198 -- Richard Feynman
42199%
42200Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
42201%
42202Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
42203%
42204Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
42205%
42206Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
42207Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
42208Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
42209Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
42210How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
42211Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
42212To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
42213Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
42214Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
42215And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
42216To seek a shelter in some happier star?
42217Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
42218The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
42219The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
42220 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
42221%
42222Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
42223 -- William Buckley
42224
42225%
42226Scientists still know less about what attracts men
42227than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
42228 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
42229 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
42230%
42231Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
42232They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
42233was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
42234linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
42235started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
42236was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
42237struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
42238together. "There is now", came the reply.
42239%
42240Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
42241Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
42242Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
42243Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
42244Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
42245Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
42246%
42247Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
42248%
42249SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
42250 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
42251 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
42252 Scorpio people are murdered.
42253%
42254SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
42255 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
42256 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
42257 to throw up. Knock it off.
42258%
42259SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
42260 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
42261 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
42262 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
42263 to win. You never learn.
42264%
42265Scott's first Law:
42266 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
42267%
42268Scott's second Law:
42269 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
42270to have been wrong in the first place.
42271
42272Corollary:
42273 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
42274impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
42275%
42276Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
42277Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
42278Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
42279Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
42280Spock: Affirmative.
42281Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
42282Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
42283%
42284Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
42285Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
42286And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
42287Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
42288Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
42289And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
42290And we've also found Just flip one switch
42291When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
42292You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
42293Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
42294Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
42295And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
42296 The system is going to crash.
42297 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
42298%
42299Scratch the disks!
42300Drop the core!
42301Roll the tapes across the floor!
42302%
42303Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
42304%
42305SCRIBLINE:
42306 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
42307 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
42308%
42309Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
42310Presidency.
42311 -- Richard Nixon
42312%
42313'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
42314 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
42315%
42316Sears has everything.
42317%
42318Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
42319%
42320Second Law of Business Meetings:
42321 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
42322 will pick the wrong one.
42323
42324Corollary:
42325 If there is only one way to spell a name,
42326 you will spell it wrong, anyway.
42327%
42328Second Law of Final Exams:
42329 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
42330 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
42331%
42332Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
42333%
42334Secretary's Revenge:
42335 Filing almost everything under "the".
42336%
42337"Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
42338 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
42339multiline message byte.
42340 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
42341must be sent passive true.
42342 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
42343 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
42344 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
42345 (a) The LADS is active
42346 (b) Nor LACS is active"
42347
42348 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
42349 Programmable Instrumentation
42350%
42351Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
42352%
42353Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
42354[Who guards the Guardians?]
42355%
42356Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
42357She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
42358Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
42359Silently scheming,
42360Sightlessly seeking
42361Some savage, spectacular suicide.
42362 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
42363%
42364"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
42365%
42366See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
42367the second one should have seen it.
42368%
42369Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
42370was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
42371who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
42372himself to demonstrate his committment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
42373asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
42374 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
42375far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
42376%
42377Seeing is believing.
42378You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
42379%
42380Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
42381 -- James Thurber
42382%
42383Seeing that death, a necessary end,
42384Will come when it will come.
42385 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
42386%
42387Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
42388 -- Alfred North Whitehead
42389%
42390Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
42391driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
42392mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
42393luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
42394rocks. They all got out of the car:
42395 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
42396 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
42397into town and have a specialist look at it."
42398 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
42399in and see if it does it again."
42400%
42401Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
42402counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
42403you?".
42404 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
42405 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
42406you like me to put it on your bill?"
42407 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
42408%
42409Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
42410to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
42411the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
42412During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
42413work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
42414dreams!"
42415 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
42416Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
42417completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
42418other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
42419are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
42420"Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
42421 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
42422like when God was working it alone!"
42423%
42424Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
42425and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
42426register.
42427 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
42428 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
42429 "GRIZZLIES?!?!"
42430 "A few."
42431 "Got any bear bells?"
42432 "What's that?"
42433 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
42434bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
42435bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
42436country, anyhow?"
42437 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
42438 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
42439 "Bear bells."
42440%
42441Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
42442Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
42443
42444In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
42445In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
42446In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
42447In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
42448%
42449Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
42450doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
42451that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
42452months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
42453Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
42454and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
42455He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
42456up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
42457 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
42458 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
42459a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
42460out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
42461When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
42462some new underwear.
42463 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
42464 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
42465salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
42466that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
42467 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
42468you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
42469%
42470Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
42471Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
42472%
42473Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
42474 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
42475%
42476Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
42477 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
42478%
42479Self Test for Paranoia:
42480 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
42481your own fault.
42482%
42483Seminars, n.:
42484 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
42485%
42486semper en excretus
42487%
42488SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
42489%
42490Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
42491 notify you if the record has pornographic material or
42492 material glorifying violence?"
42493Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
42494Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
42495 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
42496 not for little Johnny."
42497
42498 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
42499 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
42500%
42501Senate, n.:
42502 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
42503misdemeanors.
42504 -- Ambrose Bierce
42505%
42506Send some filthy mail.
42507%
42508Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
42509 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
42510%
42511SENILITY:
42512 The state of mind of elderly persons
42513 with whom one happens to disagree.
42514%
42515Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
42516little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
42517In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
42518 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
42519%
42520Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
42521%
42522Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
42523 -- Graham Greene
42524%
42525SERENDIPITY:
42526 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
42527%
42528Serenity through viciousness.
42529%
42530Serfs up!
42531 -- Spartacus
42532%
42533Serocki's Stricture:
42534 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
42535%
42536Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
42537%
42538Set the cart before the horse.
42539 -- John Heywood
42540%
42541Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
42542swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
42543there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
42544retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
42545some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
42546fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
42547loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
42548guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
42549anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
42550%
42551Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
42552big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
42553reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
42554build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
42555like crabgrass all over the United States.
42556 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
42557%
42558Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
42559Is all my brain and body need.
42560Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
42561Are very good indeed.
42562
42563Take your silly ways,
42564Throw them out the window,
42565The wisdom of your ways,
42566I've been there and I know,
42567Lots of other ways...
42568 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
42569%
42570Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
42571%
42572Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
42573 -- Lewis Grizzard
42574%
42575Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
42576%
42577Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
42578if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
42579 -- Ian Dury
42580%
42581Sex is an emotion in motion.
42582 -- Mae West
42583%
42584"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
42585for diet Coke."
42586 -- Malcolm DacDougall
42587%
42588Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
42589 -- Garrison Keillor
42590%
42591Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
42592it's still darn tasty!
42593%
42594Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
42595 -- Swami X
42596%
42597Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
42598unimportant.
42599 -- Henry Miller
42600%
42601Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
42602 -- M. C. Reed
42603%
42604Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
42605most amount of trouble.
42606 -- John Barrymore
42607%
42608Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
42609repeated until infinity.
42610 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
42611 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
42612 1973.
42613%
42614Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
42615as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
42616 -- Woody Allen
42617%
42618Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
42619how children do not come into the world.
42620 -- Karl Kraus
42621%
42622Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
42623%
42624Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
42625always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
42626 -- J. M. Barrie
42627%
42628Shame is an improper emotion invented by
42629pietists to oppress the human race.
42630 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
42631%
42632Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
42633 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
42634temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
42635 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
42636functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
42637 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
42638middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
42639bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
42640 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
42641am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
42642he's nobody!"
42643 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
42644%
42645Shannon's Observation
42646 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
42647 that is beginning to improve.
42648%
42649share, n:
42650 To give in, endure humiliation.
42651%
42652Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
42653during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
42654 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
42655 Teen Should Know"
42656%
42657Shaw's Principle:
42658 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
42659want to use it.
42660%
42661She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
42662good.
42663 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
42664%
42665She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
42666containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
42667for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
42668the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
42669
42670In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
42671not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
42672worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
42673 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
42674%
42675She asked me, "What's your sign?"
42676I blinked and answered "Neon,"
42677I thought I'd blow her mind...
42678%
42679She been married so many times
42680she got rice marks all over her face.
42681 -- Tom Waits
42682%
42683She blinded me with science!
42684%
42685She can kill all your files;
42686She can freeze with a frown.
42687And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
42688And she works on her code until ten after three.
42689She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
42690 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
42691%
42692She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
42693 -- Tommy Manville
42694%
42695She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
42696%
42697She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
42698 -- Gypsy Rose Lee
42699%
42700She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
42701 -- Mark Twain
42702%
42703She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
42704years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
42705left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
42706 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
42707 involvement in "The Avengers".
42708%
42709She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
42710were bad.
42711%
42712She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
42713a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
42714%
42715She often gave herself very good advice
42716(though she very seldom followed it).
42717 -- Lewis Carroll
42718%
42719She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
42720 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
42721%
42722"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,
42723you should hear me play piano.'"
42724 -- Morrisey
42725%
42726She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
42727Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
42728women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
42729 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
42730%
42731She sells cshs by the cshore.
42732%
42733She stood on the tracks
42734Waving her arms
42735Leading me to that third rail shock
42736Quick as a wink
42737She changed her mind
42738
42739She gave me a night
42740That's all it was
42741What will it take until I stop
42742Kidding myself
42743Wasting my time
42744
42745There's nothing else I can do
42746'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
42747I don't want anyone new
42748'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
42749There's nothing in it for you
42750'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
42751 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
42752%
42753She was bred in ol' Kentucky
42754But she's just a crumb up here
42755She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
42756With a cauliflower ear
42757Someday we will be married
42758And if vegetables become too dear
42759I'll just cut me a slice of
42760Her cauliflower ear!
42761 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
42762%
42763She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
42764good at being short.
42765 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
42766%
42767She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
42768%
42769She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
42770%
42771She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
42772%
42773Shedenhelm's Law:
42774 All trails have more uphill sections
42775 than they have downhill sections.
42776%
42777"Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
42778%
42779Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
42780turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
42781bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
42782night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
42783aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
42784 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
42785 bad fiction contest.
42786%
42787Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
42788him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
42789of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
42790 -- Samuel Johnson
42791%
42792She's genuinely bogus.
42793%
42794She's learned to say things with her eyes
42795that others waste time putting into words.
42796%
42797She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
42798%
42799She's such a kinky girl,
42800The kind you don't take home to mother.
42801She will never let your spirits down
42802Once you get her off the street.
42803%
42804She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
42805 -- Mae West
42806%
42807Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
42808%
42809Shick's Law:
42810 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
42811%
42812Shift to the left,
42813Shift to the right,
42814Mask in, mask out,
42815BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
42816%
42817SHIFT TO THE LEFT!
42818SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
42819POP UP, PUSH DOWN,
42820BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
42821%
42822Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
42823%
42824Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
42825in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
42826laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
42827of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
42828comments:
42829
42830 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
42831 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
42832 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
42833
42834After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
42835it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
42836body join her long dead brain.
42837%
42838Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
42839they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
42840 -- Terry Southern
42841%
42842Short people get rained on last.
42843%
42844Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
42845 -- Martin Mull
42846%
42847Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
42848Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
42849 -- Leo Durocher
42850%
42851Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
42852playing golf with his boss.
42853%
42854Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
42855%
42856Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
42857%
42858Showing up is 80% of life.
42859 -- Woody Allen
42860%
42861Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
42862 -- Voltaire
42863%
42864Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
42865[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
42866 -- Henri Estienne
42867%
42868Sic transit gloria Monday!
42869%
42870Sic transit gloria mundi.
42871[So passes away the glory of this world.]
42872 -- Thomas a Kempis
42873%
42874Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
42875%
42876Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
42877%
42878Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
42879%
42880Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
42881%
42882Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
42883 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
42884%
42885Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
42886up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
42887raise bloody hell.
42888 -- Herbert Block
42889%
42890Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
42891 -- Thomas Carlyle
42892%
42893Silence is the only virtue you have left.
42894%
42895sillema sillema nika su
42896[translation: look it up...hint-fin]
42897%
42898Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
42899%
42900Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
42901a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
42902carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
42903the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
42904of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
42905intersection in town. BUT!
42906
42907Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42908BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
42909
42910Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
42911She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
42912(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
42913And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
42914
42915Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42916BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
42917%
42918Silverman's Law:
42919 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
42920%
42921Simon's Law:
42922 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
42923%
42924Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
42925%
42926Simulated fortune:
42927
42928 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the
42929 character of this point is therefore another method for the
42930 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an
42931 unexpected.
42932
42933 -- by Claude E. Shannon.
42934%
42935Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
42936 -- Hubert Kirrman
42937%
42938Sin boldly.
42939 -- Martin Luther
42940%
42941Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
42942%
42943Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
42944All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
42945(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
42946 -- Lazarus Long
42947%
42948Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
42949when others believe him.
42950 -- Charles DeGaulle
42951%
42952Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
42953%
42954Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
42955cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
42956this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
42957%
42958Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
42959having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
42960burst out in laughter.
42961 -- Long Chen Pa
42962%
42963Since I hurt my pendulum
42964My life is all erratic.
42965My parrot who was cordial
42966Is now transmitting static.
42967The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
42968The cat keeps doing poo.
42969The only thing that keeps me sane
42970Is talking to my shoe.
42971 -- My Shoe
42972%
42973Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
42974 -- Tom Stoppard
42975%
42976Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
42977alive.
42978 -- John Sloan
42979%
42980Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
42981 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
42982%
42983Sink or Swim with Teddy!
42984%
42985Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
42986%
42987Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
42988 -- CP30
42989%
42990[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
42991I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
42992 -- Winston Churchill
42993%
42994Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
42995Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
42996loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
42997
42998God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
42999the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
43000It'll cost you though".
43001
43002"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
43003the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
43004
43005"An arm and a leg", said God.
43006
43007Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
43008for a rib?"
43009%
43010Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
43011objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
43012gives us modern art.
43013 -- Tom Stoppard
43014%
43015Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
43016 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
43017 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
43018 should have gotten.
43019%
43020skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
43021h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2
43022kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
43023 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
43024 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
43025
43026
43027Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
43028%
43029Slang is language that takes off its coat,
43030spits on its hands, and goes to work.
43031%
43032Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
43033a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
43034songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
43035those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
43036beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
43037breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
43038anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
43039for deliverance from chains.
43040 -- Frederick Douglass
43041%
43042Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
43043 -- W.C. Fields
43044%
43045Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
43046%
43047Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
43048 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
43049 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
43050 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
43051 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
43052 attracted to dark objects.
43053%
43054Slous' Contention:
43055 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
43056%
43057Slow day.
43058Practice crawling.
43059%
43060Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
43061%
43062Slurm, n.:
43063 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
43064 it sits in the dish too long.
43065 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
43066%
43067Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
43068%
43069Small is beautiful.
43070 -- Schumacher's Dictum
43071%
43072Small things make base men proud.
43073 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
43074%
43075Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
43076teacher was in my class for five years.
43077 -- George Burns
43078%
43079Smear the road with a runner!!
43080%
43081Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
43082%
43083Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
43084%
43085Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
43086 -- Fran Lebowitz
43087%
43088SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
43089 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
43090 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
43091 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
43092 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
43093 filed 30 days in advance.
43094%
43095Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
43096 -- Fletcher Knebel
43097%
43098Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
43099%
43100Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
43101 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
43102%
43103Snacktrek, n.:
43104 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
43105 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
43106 have materialized.
43107 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
43108%
43109Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
43110%
43111SNAPPY REPARTEE:
43112 What you'd say if you had another chance.
43113%
43114Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
43115%
43116Snow and adolescence are the only problems
43117that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
43118%
43119Snow Day -- stay home.
43120%
43121Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
43122shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
43123mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
43124for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
43125with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
43126the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
43127%
43128So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
43129your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
43130hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
43131array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
43132
43133... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
43134were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
43135that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
43136toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
43137made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
43138format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
43139 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
43140 Revolution"
43141%
43142So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they
43143go to work?
43144%
43145So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
43146A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
43147they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
43148of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
43149only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
43150purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
43151strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
43152Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
43153 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
43154%
43155So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
43156praise of intelligence.
43157 -- Bertrand Russell
43158%
43159So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
43160as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
43161way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
43162 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
43163%
43164So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
43165of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
43166friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
43167could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
43168use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
43169for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
43170the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
43171extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
43172 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
43173%
43174So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
43175%
43176So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
43177 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
43178%
43179So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
43180 -- Yogi Berra
43181%
43182So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
43183large as it needs to be?
43184%
43185So little time, so little to do.
43186 -- Oscar Levant
43187%
43188So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
43189to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
43190%
43191So many beautiful women and so little time.
43192 -- John Barrymore
43193%
43194So many men and so little time.
43195%
43196So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
43197 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
43198%
43199So many women, and so little time!
43200%
43201So many women, so little nerve.
43202%
43203So much food, and so little time!
43204%
43205So much
43206depends
43207upon
43208a red
43209
43210wheel
43211barrow
43212glazed with
43213
43214rain
43215water
43216beside
43217the white
43218chickens.
43219 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
43220%
43221So now
43222that you have-
43223
43224you know, whoever
43225
43226you're trying
43227to do
43228
43229a favor
43230for
43231
43232-you've done it-
43233
43234and I'm sure
43235you had
43236
43237a smirk
43238on your mouth
43239
43240as you got me
43241into this.
43242 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
43243 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
43244 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
43245%
43246So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
43247at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
43248the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
43249the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
43250himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
43251the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
43252their boots.
43253 -- Samuel Foote
43254%
43255So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
43256and yet it is not; it is but so so.
43257 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
43258%
43259So... so you think you can tell
43260Heaven from Hell?
43261Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
43262Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
43263From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
43264A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
43265Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
43266 Did you exchange
43267 A walk on part in a war
43268 For the lead role in a cage?
43269 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
43270%
43271So this is it. We're going to die.
43272%
43273So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
43274And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
43275%
43276So, you better watch out!
43277You better not cry!
43278You better not pout!
43279I'm telling you why,
43280Santa Claus is coming, to town.
43281
43282He knows when you've been sleeping,
43283He know when you're awake.
43284He knows if you've been bad or good,
43285He has ties with the CIA.
43286So...
43287%
43288"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
43289 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
43290"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
43291"Friday, then?"
43292"Why not, David, it might even be fun."
43293 -- Dating in Minnesota
43294%
43295So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
43296all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
43297tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
43298recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
43299the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
43300and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
43301eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
43302%
43303So you think that money is the root of all evil.
43304Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
43305 -- Ayn Rand
43306%
43307So you're back... about time...
43308%
43309Soap and education are not as sudden as a
43310massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
43311 -- Mark Twain
43312%
43313SOCIALISM:
43314 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
43315COMMUNISM:
43316 You have two cows.
43317 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
43318CAPITALISM:
43319 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
43320FACISM:
43321 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
43322 The government sells it.
43323NAZISM:
43324 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
43325NEW DEALISM:
43326 The government shoots one cow,
43327 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
43328ANARCHISM:
43329 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
43330CONSERVATISM:
43331 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
43332%
43333Sodd's Second Law:
43334 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
43335bound to occur.
43336%
43337Software, n.:
43338 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
43339%
43340Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
43341like a staff function."
43342 -- Paul Licker
43343%
43344Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
43345"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
43346the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
43347 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
43348%
43349Soldiers who wish to be a hero
43350Are practically zero,
43351But those who wish to be civilians,
43352They run into the millions.
43353%
43354Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
43355 -- Kayvan Sylvan
43356%
43357Solutions are obvious if one only has the
43358optical power to observe them over the horizon.
43359 -- K. A. Arsdall
43360%
43361Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
43362and some few to be chewed and digested.
43363 -- Francis Bacon
43364 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
43365%
43366Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
43367Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
43368%
43369Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
43370as when you find a trout in the milk.
43371 -- Thoreau
43372%
43373Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
43374%
43375Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
43376%
43377Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
43378%
43379Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
43380 -- Ed Howe
43381%
43382Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
43383places!
43384 -- Mae West
43385%
43386Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
43387and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
43388 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
43389%
43390Some men are discovered; others are found out.
43391%
43392Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
43393about sex at all... they become lawyers.
43394 -- Woody Allen
43395%
43396Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
43397that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
43398%
43399Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
43400 -- Maureen Murphy
43401%
43402Some men feel that the only thing they owe
43403the woman who marries them is a grudge.
43404 -- Helen Rowland
43405%
43406Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
43407lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
43408 -- Samuel Butler
43409%
43410Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
43411 -- Woodie Guthrie
43412%
43413Some men who fear that they are playing
43414second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
43415%
43416Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
43417The answer is: I don't know.
43418Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
43419%
43420Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
43421old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
43422I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
4342313th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
43424the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
43425Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
43426Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
43427an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
43428"lekare".
43429 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
43430 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
43431 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
43432 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
43433 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
43434 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
43435 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
43436 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
43437 he received, shame and wounds."
43438%
43439Some of the things that live the longest
43440in peoples' memories never really happened.
43441%
43442Some of them want to use you,
43443Some of them want to be used by you,
43444...Everybody's looking for something.
43445 -- Eurythmics
43446%
43447Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
43448 -- Gloria Steinem
43449%
43450Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
43451celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
43452stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
43453"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
43454of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
43455government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
43456Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
43457billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
43458it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
43459thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
43460the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
43461and go to a mall.
43462 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
43463%
43464Some parts of the past must be preserved,
43465and some of the future prevented at all costs.
43466%
43467Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
43468 -- Stephen Wright
43469%
43470Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
43471transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
43472two-dimensional ones.
43473 -- F. Frederick Skitty
43474%
43475Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
43476%
43477Some people cause happiness wherever
43478they go; others, whenever they go.
43479%
43480Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
43481but at least you only have to climb it once.
43482%
43483Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
43484only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
43485%
43486Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
43487%
43488Some people have parts that are so private
43489they themselves have no knowledge of them.
43490%
43491Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
43492them on the head.
43493%
43494Some people live life in the fast lane.
43495You're in oncoming traffic.
43496%
43497Some people manage by the book, even though they
43498don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
43499%
43500Some people need a good imaginary cure
43501for their painful imaginary ailment.
43502%
43503Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
43504%
43505Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
43506%
43507Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
43508rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
43509 -- P. J. O'Rourke
43510%
43511Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
43512They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
43513%
43514Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
43515you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
43516worse.
43517 -- Avery
43518%
43519Some points to remember [about animals]:
43520
43521(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
43522 hippopotamuses;
43523(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
43524 front of your clothes;
43525(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
43526 you have just kicked.
43527 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
43528%
43529Some primal termite knocked on wood.
43530And tasted it, and found it good.
43531And that is why your Cousin May
43532Fell through the parlor floor today.
43533 -- Ogden Nash
43534%
43535Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
43536progress.
43537 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43538%
43539Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
43540%
43541Some say the world will end in fire,
43542Some say in ice.
43543From what I've tasted of desire
43544I hold with those who favor fire.
43545But if it had to perish twice
43546I think I know enough of hate
43547To say that for destruction, ice
43548Is also great
43549And would suffice
43550 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
43551%
43552Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
43553 -- Folk saying
43554%
43555Some things have to be believed to be seen.
43556%
43557Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
43558 -- W.C. Fields
43559%
43560Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
43561so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
43562%
43563Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
43564Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
43565Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
43566When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
43567
43568Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
43569Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
43570Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
43571That don't smell very nice --
43572He's nobody's moggy now.
43573
43574Oh you who love your pussy,
43575Be sure to keep him in.
43576Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
43577The truck is bound to win. On the road way
43578And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
43579Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
43580If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
43581It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
43582 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
43583He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
43584Just red and squashed and soggy --
43585He's nobody's moggy now.
43586 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
43587%
43588Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
43589I found a pile of them over in the corner.
43590%
43591Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
43592typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
43593%
43594Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
43595probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
43596blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
43597 -- Mister Boffo
43598%
43599Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
43600 -- Evan Davis
43601%
43602Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
43603%
43604Someday your prints will come.
43605 -- Kodak
43606%
43607Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
43608when I was passing through satisfaction.
43609 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
43610%
43611Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
43612%
43613Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
43614City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
43615Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
43616 -- David Letterman
43617%
43618Someone is speaking well of you.
43619How unusual!
43620%
43621Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
43622%
43623Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
43624%
43625Someone will try to honk your nose today.
43626%
43627Something better...
43628
43629 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
43630 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
43631 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
43632 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
43633 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
43634 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
43635 minutes late.
43636 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
43637 own ear.
43638 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
43639 mind putting that thing away.
43640 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
43641 It's what's in it that matters.
43642 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
43643 Seattle.
4364410 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
4364511 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
43646 changing tempo.
4364712 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
43648 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
43649%
43650Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
43651 -- Benjamin Disraeli
43652%
43653Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
43654 -- Shakespeare
43655%
43656Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
43657and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
43658 -- N. V. Plyter
43659%
43660Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
43661 -- Sigmund Freud
43662%
43663Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
43664fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
43665 -- Montesquieu
43666%
43667Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
43668smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
43669 -- Richard M. Nixon
43670%
43671Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
43672 -- Seneca
43673%
43674Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
43675Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
43676Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
43677Either light up or leave me alone.
43678%
43679Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
43680the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
43681world.
43682 -- Robert Stone
43683%
43684Sometimes I live in the country,
43685And sometimes I live in town.
43686And sometimes I have a great notion,
43687To jump in the river and drown.
43688%
43689Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
43690world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
43691%
43692Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
43693Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
43694 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
43695%
43696Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
43697 -- Lily Tomlin
43698%
43699Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
43700 -- Repo Man
43701%
43702Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
43703%
43704SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
43705back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
43706me because I am beautiful.
43707 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
43708%
43709Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
43710%
43711Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
43712Other times I can hardly see.
43713Lately it occurs to me
43714What a long strange trip it's been.
43715 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
43716%
43717Sometimes, too long is too long.
43718 -- Joe Crowe
43719%
43720Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
43721like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
43722before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
43723forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
43724 -- Snoopy
43725%
43726Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
43727to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
43728 -- Andy Capp
43729%
43730Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
43731else is driving.
43732 -- David Letterman
43733%
43734Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
43735%
43736Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
43737%
43738Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
43739woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
43740 -- Sam Levenson
43741%
43742Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
43743 -- Carl Sagan
43744%
43745Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
43746the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
43747make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
43748But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
43749 -- Sky Masterson's Father
43750%
43751Song Title of the Week:
43752 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
43753in me."
43754%
43755Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
43756paid may disregard this fortune).
43757%
43758Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
43759%
43760Sorry. Nice try.
43761%
43762Sorry never means having you're say to love.
43763%
43764Sorry, no fortune this time.
43765%
43766Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
43767big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
43768drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
43769 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
43770%
43771Space is to place as eternity is to time.
43772 -- Joseph Joubert
43773%
43774Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
43775 -- Wheeler
43776%
43777Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
43778Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
43779and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
43780 -- Captain James T. Kirk
43781%
43782SPAGMUMPS:
43783 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
43784 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
43785%
43786"Spare no expense to save money on this one."
43787 -- Samuel Goldwyn
43788%
43789Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
43790 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
43791if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
43792back at him.
43793%
43794Speak roughly to your little boy,
43795 And beat him when he sneezes:
43796He only does it to annoy
43797 Because he knows it teases.
43798
43799 Wow! wow! wow!
43800
43801I speak severely to my boy,
43802 And beat him when he sneezes:
43803For he can thoroughly enjoy
43804 The pepper when he pleases!
43805
43806 Wow! wow! wow!
43807 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
43808%
43809Speak roughly to your little VAX,
43810 And boot it when it crashes;
43811It knows that one cannot relax
43812 Because the paging thrashes!
43813
43814 Wow! Wow! Wow!
43815
43816I speak severely to my VAX,
43817 And boot it when it crashes;
43818In spite of all my favorite hacks
43819 My jobs it always thrashes!
43820
43821 Wow! Wow! Wow!
43822%
43823Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
43824%
43825Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
43826 -- Dave Millman
43827%
43828"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
43829ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
43830mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
43831thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
43832moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
43833and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
43834earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
43835water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
43836diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
43837would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
43838leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
43839wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
43840murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
43841into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
43842on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
43843have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
43844seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
43845syllable is thine!"
43846 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
43847%
43848Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
43849that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
43850all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
43851Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
43852result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
43853parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
43854types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
43855recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
43856so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
43857%
43858Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
43859
43860 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
43861 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
43862 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
43863 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
43864 Helpless users with projects due
43865 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
43866
43867 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
43868 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
43869
43870* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
43871* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
43872 -- Curtis Jackson
43873%
43874Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
43875days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
43876with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
43877who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
43878these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
43879bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
43880communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
43881 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
43882%
43883Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
43884on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
43885%
43886Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
43887Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
43888young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
43889students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
43890Faculty members especially welcome.
43891%
43892"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
43893%
43894Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
43895motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
43896when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
43897 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
43898%
43899Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
43900 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
43901number of times you have looked at it.
43902%
43903Spelling is a lossed art.
43904%
43905Spence's Admonition:
43906 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
43907%
43908Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
43909%
43910SPINSTER:
43911 A bachelor's wife.
43912%
43913Spirtle, n.:
43914 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
43915your eye.
43916 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
43917%
43918Spock: The odds of surviving another
43919attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
43920%
43921Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
43922%
43923Spouse, n.:
43924 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
43925wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
43926%
43927Spring is here, spring is here,
43928Life is skittles and life is beer.
43929%
43930SQUATCHO:
43931 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
43932 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
43933%
43934Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
43935%
43936St. Patrick was a gentleman
43937who through strategy and stealth
43938drove all the snakes from Ireland.
43939Here's a toasting to his health --
43940but not too many toastings
43941lest you lose yourself and then
43942forget the good St. Patrick
43943and see all those snakes again.
43944%
43945Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
43946%
43947Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
43948%
43949Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
43950words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
43951now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
43952 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
43953his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
43954 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
43955open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
43956open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
43957after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
43958with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
43959 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
43960unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
43961was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
43962So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
43963for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
43964 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
43965deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
43966 All it said was: "Write two letters."
43967%
43968Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
43969%
43970Stamp out philately.
43971%
43972STANDARDS:
43973 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
43974%
43975Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
43976no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for
43977something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
43978 -- Chuang Tzu
43979%
43980Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
43981%
43982Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
43983they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
43984%
43985Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
43986Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
43987science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
43988on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
43989 -- Harlan Ellison
43990%
43991Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
43992 -- W.C. Fields
43993%
43994Start the day with a smile.
43995After that you can be your nasty old self again.
43996%
43997State license plates we'd like to see:
43998
43999 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
44000 LVME 10DR OW-A CAH
44001LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
44002
44003 HAWAII WISCONSIN
44004 L-O HA CHEDDAR
44005FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
44006%
44007State license plates we'd like to see:
44008
44009 ALABAMA ARIZONA
44010 IC1 NOW 120 F
44011THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
44012
44013 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
44014 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS
44015WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
44016
44017 TEXAS FLORIDA
44018 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED
44019 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
44020%
44021State license plates we'd like to see:
44022
44023 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
44024 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
44025EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
44026
44027 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
44028 WL-GOLLY ARG GGH
44029HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
44030
44031 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
44032 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
44033THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
44034 MOVIE STATE
44035%
44036STATISTICS:
44037 A system for expressing your political
44038 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
44039%
44040Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
44041 -- Henry Clay
44042%
44043Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
44044%
44045Stay away from flying saucers today.
44046%
44047Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
44048%
44049Stay the curse.
44050%
44051Stay together, drag each other down.
44052%
44053Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
44054There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
44055One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
44056
44057And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
44058Though we really did try to make it,
44059Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
44060
44061It used to be so easy living here with you,
44062You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
44063Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
44064
44065There'll be good times again for me and you,
44066But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
44067But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
44068
44069But it's too late baby...
44070It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
44071 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
44072%
44073Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
44074long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
44075hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
44076its rate is a matter of discretion.
44077 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
44078%
44079Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
44080%
44081Steckel's Rule to Success:
44082 Good enough is never good enough.
44083%
44084Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
44085 Everybody should believe in something --
44086 I believe I'll have another drink.
44087%
44088Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
44089 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
44090handle.
44091%
44092Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
44093Embezzlement is another matter.
44094%
44095Stenderup's Law:
44096 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
44097%
44098Step back, unbelievers!
44099Or the rain will never come.
44100Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
44101You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
44102But I swear to you, before this day is out,
44103 you folks are gonna see some rain!
44104%
44105Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
44106Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
44107so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
44108wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
44109very little call for those up there.
44110 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
44111%
44112Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
44113Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
44114%
44115Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
44116 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
44117%
44118Stock's Observation:
44119 You no sooner get your head above water
44120 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
44121%
44122Stone's Law:
44123 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
44124%
44125Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
44126And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
44127in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
44128Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
44129way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
44130on the credulity of human nature.
44131%
44132Stop me, before I kill again!
44133%
44134Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
44135Now, if they'd only take a bath...
44136%
44137Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
44138%
44139Strange things are done to be number one
44140In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
44141IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
44142Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
44143And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
44144But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
44145Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
44146By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
44147 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
44148 Would ship for Celtic gold.
44149The movers came to crate the frame;
44150It weighed a million ton!
44151The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
44152(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
44153"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
44154 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
44155"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
44156"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
44157"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
44158 Because they couldn't deliver.
44159 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
44160%
44161STRATEGY:
44162 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
44163%
44164Strategy:
44165 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
44166 after those creating it have left the organization.
44167%
44168Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
44169%
44170Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
44171and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
44172the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
44173"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
44174implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
44175and have a nice day.
44176%
44177Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
44178real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
44179understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
44180 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
44181%
44182Stult's Report:
44183 Our problems are mostly behind us.
44184 What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
44185%
44186Stupid, n.:
44187 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
44188%
44189Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
44190%
44191Stupidity is its own reward.
44192%
44193Sturgeon's Law:
44194 90% of everything is crud.
44195%
44196Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
44197%
44198Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
44199Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
44200%
44201Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
44202editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
44203 -- Mark Twain
44204%
44205Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
44206way before it is understood.
44207%
44208Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
44209the streets after them.
44210 -- Bill Vaughn
44211%
44212Success is a journey, not a destination.
44213%
44214Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
44215%
44216Success is in the minds of Fools.
44217 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
44218%
44219Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
44220made of things.
44221 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
44222%
44223Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
44224%
44225Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
44226 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
44227%
44228Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
44229%
44230Such a fine first dream!
44231But they laughed at me; they said
44232I had made it up.
44233%
44234Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
44235when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
44236%
44237Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
44238petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
44239 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
44240%
44241Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
44242 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
44243%
44244Sudden Death Dating:
44245
44246Quote, female:
44247 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
44248 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
44249%
44250Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
44251without his duck ...
44252%
44253Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
44254The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
44255Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
44256The Path there is, but none who travel it.
44257 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
44258%
44259Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
44260%
44261Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
44262%
44263Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
44264 -- Donald Kaul
44265%
44266Sum quod eris.
44267%
44268Sun in the night, everyone is together,
44269Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
44270 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
44271%
44272SUN Microsystems:
44273 The Network IS the Load Average.
44274%
44275(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
44276
44277 To code the impossible code,
44278 To bring up a virgin machine,
44279 To pop out of endless recursion,
44280 To grok what appears on the screen,
44281
44282 To right the unrightable bug,
44283 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
44284 To mount the unmountable magtape,
44285 To stop the unstoppable crash!
44286%
44287SUNSET:
44288 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
44289 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
44290 progressively reducing solar elevation.
44291%
44292Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
44293have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
44294 -- Martin Luther
44295%
44296Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
44297none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
44298sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
44299 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
44300%
44301Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
44302Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
44303 Quantum Mechanics?
44304Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
44305Supervisee: Yes.
44306 -- Overheard at a supervision.
44307%
44308Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
44309%
44310Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
44311%
44312Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
44313%
44314Support the American Kidney Foundation.
44315Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
44316%
44317Support the Girl Scouts!
44318 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
44319%
44320Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
44321 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
44322 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
44323%
44324Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
44325%
44326Support your local church or synagogue.
44327Worship at Bank of America.
44328%
44329Support your local police force -- steal!!
44330%
44331Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
44332%
44333Support your right to arm bears!!
44334%
44335Support your right to bare arms!
44336 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
44337%
44338Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
44339rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
44340efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
44341analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
44342Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
44343it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
44344were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
44345a pinhead.
44346 -- Christopher Evans
44347%
44348Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
44349%
44350Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
44351But what if he forgets?
44352%
44353Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
44354men in national government too.
44355 -- Richard M. Nixon
44356%
44357"Surely you can't be serious."
44358"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
44359%
44360Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
44361%
44362Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
44363Just type in your name and social security number.
44364Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
44365
44366Name #
44367
44368
44369%
44370Surprise due today. Also the rent.
44371%
44372Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
44373%
44374sushi, n:
44375 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
44376 strapped on with electrical tape.
44377%
44378Sushido, n:
44379 The way of the tuna.
44380%
44381Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
44382 -- William Shakespeare
44383%
44384Swahili, n.:
44385 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
44386retractions.
44387 -- Johnny Hart
44388%
44389Swap read error. You lose your mind.
44390%
44391SWEATER:
44392 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
44393%
44394Sweater, n.:
44395 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
44396%
44397Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
44398 -- Thomas Tusser
44399%
44400Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
44401And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
44402%
44403Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
44404whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
44405the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
44406I rush!
44407 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
44408%
44409Swipple's Rule of Order:
44410 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
44411%
44412Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
44413 unusually pale and clear.
44414Problem: Glass empty.
44415Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
44416
44417Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
44418 and the front of your shirt is wet.
44419Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
44420 wrong part of face.
44421Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
44422 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
44423
44424 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44425%
44426Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
44427Fault: The Bar is closing.
44428Action Required: Panic.
44429
44430Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
44431 You cannot see the bathroom light.
44432Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
44433Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
44434 treat yourself to a lie-in.
44435
44436 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44437%
44438Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
44439Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
44440Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
44441 toward ceiling.
44442
44443Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
44444Fault: Improper bladder control.
44445Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
44446 to the owner about its lack of house training and
44447 demand a beer as compensation.
44448
44449 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44450%
44451Symptom: Floor blurred.
44452Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
44453Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
44454
44455Symptom: Floor moving.
44456Fault: You are being carried out.
44457Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
44458 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
44459
44460 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44461%
44462Symptom: Floor swaying.
44463Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
44464 game in progress.
44465Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
44466
44467Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
44468 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
44469Fault: You have fallen forward.
44470Action Required: See above.
44471
44472Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
44473 flourescent light strips.
44474Fault: You have fallen over backward.
44475Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
44476 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
44477 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
44478
44479 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44480%
44481Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
44482 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
44483%
44484System checkpoint complete.
44485%
44486System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
44487%
44488System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
44489%
44490System going down in 5 minutes.
44491%
44492System restarting, wait...
44493%
44494System/3! System/3!
44495See how it runs! See how it runs!
44496 Its monitor loses so totally!
44497 It runs all its programs in RPG!
44498 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
44499System/3!
44500%
44501SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
44502 Works equally poorly on all systems.
44503%
44504Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
44505infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
44506 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
44507%
44508Systems programmer:
44509 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
44510 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
44511 are to receive from your boss.
44512%
44513Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
44514 -- R. S. Barton
44515%
44516T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
44517 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
44518 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
44519 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
44520 -- The Roguelet's ABC
44521%
44522TACKY:
44523 Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
44524%
44525Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
44526 -- Jean Cocteau
44527%
44528Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
44529 -- Jean Cocteau
44530%
44531Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
44532an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
44533%
44534Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
44535%
44536Tact, n.:
44537 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
44538%
44539Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
44540he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
44541%
44542Take an astronaut to launch.
44543%
44544Take care of the luxuries and the
44545necessities will take care of themselves.
44546 -- L. Long
44547%
44548Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
44549 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
44550%
44551Take everything in stride.
44552Trample anyone who gets in your way.
44553%
44554TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
44555 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
44556%
44557Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
44558enough cheese
44559 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
44560%
44561Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
44562%
44563Take me drunk,
44564I'm home again!
44565%
44566Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
44567but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
44568 -- Kipling
44569%
44570Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
44571merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
44572have given them to you.
44573%
44574Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
44575 -- Ken Kesey
44576%
44577Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
44578Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
44579by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
44580 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
44581%
44582Take your Senator to lunch this week.
44583%
44584Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
44585take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
44586 -- Booth Tarkington
44587%
44588Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
44589got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
44590 -- Rev. Jim
44591%
44592Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
44593%
44594Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
44595 -- Euripides
44596%
44597Talkers are no good doers.
44598 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
44599%
44600Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
44601 -- Laurie Anderson
44602%
44603Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
44604 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
44605%
44606Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
44607Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
44608 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
44609%
44610Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
44611Tan me hide when I'm dead.
44612So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
44613It's hanging there on the shed.
44614
44615All together now...
44616 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
44617 Tie me kangaroo down.
44618 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
44619 Tie me kangaroo down.
44620%
44621Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
44622will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
44623 -- Ben Franklin
44624%
44625TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
44626 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
44627 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
44628 headed. You are a Communist.
44629%
44630TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
44631 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
44632 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
44633 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
44634%
44635TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
44636 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
44637 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
44638 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
44639%
44640TAX OFFICE:
44641 Den of inequity.
44642%
44643Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
44644tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
44645 -- Russell Long
44646%
44647Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
44648out of the market.
44649%
44650Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
44651%
44652Taxes, n.:
44653 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
44654an extension.
44655%
44656TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
44657
44658Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what pased for them in that era.
44659Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
44660of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
44661
44662"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
44663 -- Dave Mills
44664%
44665Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
44666when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
44667%
44668Teachers have class.
44669%
44670TEAMWORK:
44671 Having someone to blame.
44672%
44673Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
44674%
44675Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for
44676slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were:
44677"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
44678head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
44679side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by
44680instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
44681not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
44682being only an inference.
44683 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
44684%
44685Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
44686is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
44687before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
44688this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
44689being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
44690work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
44691itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
44692slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
44693difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
44694I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
44695a moment and then log off.
44696%
44697Technological progress has merely provided us
44698with more efficient means for going backwards.
44699 -- Aldous Huxley
44700%
44701Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
44702 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
44703%
44704Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
44705you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
44706but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
44707already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
44708 -- Erma Bombeck
44709%
44710telephone, n.:
44711 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
44712making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
44713 -- Ambrose Bierce
44714%
44715TELEPRESSION:
44716 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
44717 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
44718 burden on the directory assistant.
44719 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
44720%
44721Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
44722 -- Ernie Kovacs
44723%
44724Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
44725 -- Robert Carson
44726%
44727Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
44728 -- Alfred Hitchcock
44729%
44730Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
44731each other.
44732 -- Ann Landers
44733%
44734Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
44735 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
44736%
44737Television is now so desperately hungry for material
44738that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
44739 -- Gore Vidal
44740%
44741Television only proves that people will look at anything --
44742rather than each other.
44743%
44744Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
44745believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
44746to touch to be sure.
44747%
44748Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
44749Is those things arms, or is they legs?
44750I marvel at thee, Octopus;
44751If I were thou, I'd call me us.
44752 -- Ogden Nash
44753%
44754Tell me what to think!!!
44755%
44756Tell me why the stars do shine,
44757Tell me why the ivy twines,
44758Tell me why the sky's so blue,
44759And I will tell you just why I love you.
44760
44761 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
44762 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
44763 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
44764 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
44765%
44766Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
44767promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
44768 -- A. Hope
44769%
44770Tempt me with a spoon!
44771%
44772Tempt not a desperate man.
44773 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
44774%
44775Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
44776shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
44777 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
44778entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
44779seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
44780of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
44781word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
44782and handed the others to Dutsky.
44783 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
44784%
44785Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
44786 -- Napoleon I
44787%
44788Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
44789way of telling you to stop writing.
44790 -- R. Geis
44791%
44792Terence, this is stupid stuff:
44793You eat your victuals fast enough;
44794There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
44795To see the rate you drink your beer.
44796But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
44797It gives a chap the belly-ache.
44798The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
44799It sleeps well the horned head:
44800We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
44801To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
44802Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
44803Your friends to death before their time.
44804Moping, melancholy mad:
44805Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
44806 -- A. E. Housman
44807%
44808Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
44809school, and then work, work, work till we die.
44810 -- C.S. Lewis
44811%
44812Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
44813amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
44814the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
44815to risk offending God's grandmother.
44816 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
44817%
44818Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
44819pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until
44820about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is
44821ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
44822because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
44823fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately
44824credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is
44825certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind,
44826he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and
44827contemptuously rejected it.
44828 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
44829 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic
44830 Church. Ed.]
44831%
44832Test for paraquat:
44833 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
44834 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
44835 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
44836 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
44837 the solution will turn blue-green.
44838%
44839Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.
44840 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
44841%
44842Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
44843%
44844TEUTONIC:
44845 Not enough gin.
44846%
44847TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
44848century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
44849terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
44850 -- Gordon Bell
44851%
44852Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
44853of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
44854"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
44855unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
44856the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
44857told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
44858the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
44859"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
44860called you from here."
44861%
44862Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
44863 -- Wayne Oakes
44864%
44865Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
44866%
44867"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
44868one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
44869 -- J. Finnegan, USC.
44870%
44871Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
44872 -- Adolf Hitler
44873%
44874Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
44875 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
44876%
44877Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
44878%
44879That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
44880 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
44881%
44882"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
44883 -- Foghorn Leghorn
44884%
44885That does not compute.
44886%
44887That feeling just came over me.
44888 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
44889%
44890That government is best which governs least.
44891 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
44892%
44893That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
44894that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
44895in the same way as us.
44896 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
44897%
44898That money talks,
44899I'll not deny,
44900I heard it once,
44901It said "Good-bye.
44902 -- Richard Armour
44903%
44904That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
44905 -- Moliere
44906%
44907That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
44908%
44909That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
44910sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
44911narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
44912%
44913That, that is, is.
44914That, that is not, is not.
44915That, that is, is not that, that is not.
44916That, that is not, is not that, that is.
44917%
44918...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
44919the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
44920hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
44921A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
44922liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
44923REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
44924 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
44925%
44926That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
44927%
44928That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
44929 -- Dorothy Parker
44930%
44931That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
44932remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
44933write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
44934 -- Heine
44935%
44936That's always the way when you discover
44937something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
44938 -- Evelyn E. Smith
44939%
44940That's life.
44941 What's life?
44942A magazine.
44943 How much does it cost?
44944Two-fifty.
44945 I only have a dollar.
44946That's life.
44947%
44948That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
44949who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
44950thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
44951thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
44952 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
44953%
44954"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
44955omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
44956 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
44957%
44958That's no moon...
44959 -- Obi-wan Kenobi
44960%
44961That's odd. That's very odd.
44962Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
44963%
44964That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
44965 -- Neil Armstrong
44966%
44967That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
44968 -- Woody Allen, on sex
44969%
44970That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
44971really hate is lousy programmers.
44972 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
44973%
44974That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
44975returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
44976 -- Bill Veeck
44977%
44978That's what she said.
44979%
44980That's where the money was.
44981 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
44982
44983It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
44984 -- Willie Sutton
44985%
44986The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
44987 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
44988 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
44989"and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
44990 -- Lewis Carroll
44991%
44992The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
44993 -- R. B. Greenberg
44994%
44995The 357.73 Theory --
44996 Auditors always reject expense accounts
44997 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
44998%
44999The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
45000%
45001The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
45002Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
45003 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
45004%
45005The Abrams' Principle:
45006 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
45007%
45008The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
45009 -- T. Cheatham
45010%
45011The absent ones are always at fault.
45012%
45013The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
45014 -- A. Camus
45015%
45016The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
45017 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
45018%
45019The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
45020 -- Clifton Fadiman
45021%
45022The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
45023hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
45024makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
45025undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
45026anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
45027 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
45028%
45029The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
45030does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
45031 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
45032%
45033The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
45034 -- Thomas Jefferson
45035%
45036The Advertising Agency Song:
45037
45038 When your client's hopping mad,
45039 Put his picture in the ad.
45040 If he still should prove refractory,
45041 Add a picture of his factory.
45042%
45043The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
45044he is already degraded.
45045 -- George Orwell
45046%
45047The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
45048facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
45049 -- Whitehead.
45050%
45051The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
45052belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
45053%
45054The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
45055For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
45056 -- Bart Miller
45057%
45058"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
45059someone with it."
45060 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
45061%
45062The all-softening overpowering knell,
45063The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
45064 -- Lord Byron
45065%
45066The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
45067fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
45068 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
45069%
45070The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
45071to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
45072
45073Film at 11:00.
45074%
45075The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
45076eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
45077 -- Finlay Peter Dunne
45078%
45079The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
45080call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
45081opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
45082 -- Al Capone
45083%
45084The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
45085pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
45086%
45087The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
45088in billigrahams.
45089%
45090The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
45091just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
45092 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
45093%
45094The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
45095of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
45096Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
45097even better, nobody has to play it.
45098 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
45099%
45100The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
45101 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
45102
45103 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
45104%
45105The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
45106 -- E. Costello
45107%
45108The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
45109with which you can threaten your enemies.
45110 -- Bonnard
45111%
45112The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
45113sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
45114 --Salvador De Madariaga
45115%
45116The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
45117 -- Albertano of Brescia
45118%
45119The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
45120doctors nor lawyers.
45121 -- L. Docquier
45122%
45123The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
45124session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
45125advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
45126publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
45127giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
45128we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
45129book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
45130field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
45131ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
45132very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
45133lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
45134courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
45135[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
45136arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
45137time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
45138for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
45139then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
45140 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
45141 And dare not stray to ideas new,
45142 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
45143 And for a living what woulds't we do?
45144%
45145The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
45146for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
45147bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
45148constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
45149all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
45150neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
45151Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
45152would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
45153desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
45154fire-fighting aircraft.
45155
45156 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
45157%
45158The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
45159
45160 Four day work week,
45161 Two ply toilet paper!
45162%
45163The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
45164released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
45165Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
45166%
45167The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
45168and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
45169All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
45170"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
45171their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
45172Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
45173the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
45174logs to multiply."
45175%
45176The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
45177never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
45178and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
45179through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
45180 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
45181%
45182The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
45183Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
45184and color, but also on ability.
45185 -- T. Lehrer
45186%
45187The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
45188 -- Bill Murray
45189%
45190The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
45191in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
45192Declaration not for that, but for future use.
45193 -- Abraham Lincoln
45194%
45195The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
45196Jupiter can have no satellites:
45197
45198 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
45199eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
45200unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
45201From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
45202metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
45203of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
45204 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
45205therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
45206and therefore do not exist.
45207%
45208The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
45209%
45210The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
45211knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
45212 -- Ladies' Home Journal
45213%
45214The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
45215the morning feeling just terrible.
45216 -- Jean Kerr
45217%
45218The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
45219%
45220The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
45221a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
45222%
45223The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
45224%
45225The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
45226one graveyard to another.
45227 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
45228%
45229The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
45230disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
45231feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
45232their father.
45233 -- Mencken
45234%
45235The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
45236average man can see better than he can think.
45237%
45238The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
45239into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
45240 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
45241%
45242The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
45243carries any reward.
45244 -- John Maynard Keynes
45245%
45246"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
45247people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
45248anything."
45249 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
45250%
45251The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
45252Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
45253And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
45254 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
45255 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
45256%
45257The bank sent our statement this morning,
45258The red ink was a sight of great awe!
45259Their figures and mine might have balanced,
45260But my wife was too quick on the draw.
45261%
45262The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
45263cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
45264difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
45265which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
45266here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
45267RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
45268want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
45269lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
45270squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
45271and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
45272his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
45273neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
45274lots.
45275 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
45276%
45277The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
45278called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
45279writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
45280be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
45281immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
45282bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
45283Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
45284paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
45285would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
45286The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
45287emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
45288Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
45289 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
45290%
45291The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
45292And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
45293The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
45294And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
45295These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
45296 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
45297%
45298THE BEATLES:
45299 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
45300%
45301The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
45302 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
45303
45304 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
45305 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
45306 Memory". Ed.]
45307%
45308The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
45309 -- Maurice Baring
45310%
45311The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
45312but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
45313%
45314The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
45315 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
45316Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
45317 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
45318The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
45319 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
45320
45321 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
45322%
45323The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
45324 -- W.C. Fields
45325%
45326The best defense against logic is ignorance.
45327%
45328The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
45329but doesn't.
45330 -- Tom Crichton
45331%
45332The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
45333 -- Scotty
45334%
45335The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
45336However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
45337by judging things by their price.
45338%
45339The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
45340what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
45341them while they do it.
45342 -- Theodore Roosevelt
45343%
45344The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
45345%
45346The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
45347 -- Blair
45348%
45349The best man for the job is often a woman.
45350%
45351The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
45352head waiter.
45353 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
45354%
45355The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
45356nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
45357 -- Wordsworth
45358%
45359The best prophet of the future is the past.
45360%
45361The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
45362redoubtable John W. Campbell:
45363
45364 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
45365 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
45366 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
45367 being read by a corpse.
45368%
45369The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
45370fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
45371drifting side by side to our common doom.
45372 -- Clarence Darrow
45373%
45374The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
45375company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
45376%
45377The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
45378%
45379The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
45380%
45381The best things in life are for a fee.
45382%
45383The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
45384%
45385The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
45386%
45387The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
45388%
45389The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
45390%
45391The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
45392%
45393The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
45394is a match.
45395 -- Will Rogers
45396%
45397The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
45398smoke is a right worth dying for.
45399%
45400The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
45401scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
45402when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
45403way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
45404Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
45405work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
45406 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
45407%
45408The best you get is an even break.
45409 -- Franklin Adams
45410%
45411The better part of valor is discretion.
45412 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
45413%
45414The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
45415To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
45416 -- Nietzsche
45417%
45418The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
45419to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
45420It's just that they need more supervision.
45421%
45422The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
45423never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
45424 -- Abraham Lincoln
45425%
45426The Bible on letters of reference:
45427
45428 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
45429we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
45430No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
45431man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
45432 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
45433%
45434The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
45435 -- Nora Ephron
45436%
45437The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
45438and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
45439women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any
45440more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
45441 -- Jules Feiffer
45442%
45443The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
45444themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
45445this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
45446hungry all the time?
45447%
45448The bigger the theory the better.
45449%
45450The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
45451%
45452The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
45453 -- Merrick Furst
45454%
45455The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
45456working for someone else.
45457%
45458The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
45459occurred.
45460%
45461The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
45462and the bird is on the wing.
45463 -- Omar Khayyam
45464%
45465The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
45466because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
45467and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
45468Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
45469of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
45470containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
45471put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
45472of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
45473%
45474The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
45475%
45476The bogosity meter just pegged.
45477%
45478The bold youth of today is very lonely.
45479 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
45480%
45481The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
45482 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
45483%
45484The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
45485half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
45486pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
45487hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
45488for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
45489during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
45490but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
45491 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
45492%
45493The boy stood on the burning deck,
45494Eating peanuts by the peck.
45495His father called him, but he could not go,
45496For he loved those peanuts so.
45497%
45498The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
45499you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
45500%
45501The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
45502 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
45503 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
45504 one, and convert to the next higher units.
45505%
45506The British are coming! The British are coming!
45507%
45508The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
45509fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
45510 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
45511%
45512The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
45513and humiliating reality.
45514 -- Oscar Wilde
45515%
45516The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
45517digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
45518of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
45519the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
45520 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
45521%
45522The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
45523Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
45524automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
45525 -- Art Buchwald
45526%
45527The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
45528the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
45529 -- Kay Bostic
45530%
45531The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
45532Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
45533Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
45534time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
45535Days of Pompeii."
45536
45537Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
45538beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
45539Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
45540written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
45541
45542 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
45543 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
45544 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
45545 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
45546 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
45547%
45548The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
45549bureaucracy.
45550%
45551"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
45552flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
45553%
45554The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
45555people, and don't come in clearly enough.
45556 -- Bill Maher
45557%
45558The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
45559sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
45560time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
45561into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
45562with Basil.
45563 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
45564%
45565The camel has a single hump;
45566The dromedary two;
45567Or else the other way around.
45568I'm never sure. Are you?
45569 -- Ogden Nash
45570%
45571The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
45572greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
45573inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
45574party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
45575 -- H. L. Mencken
45576%
45577The carbonyl is polarized,
45578The delta end is plus.
45579The nucleophile will thus attack,
45580The carbon nucleus.
45581Addition makes an alcohol,
45582Of types there are but three.
45583It makes a bond, to correspond,
45584From C to shining C.
45585 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
45586%
45587The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
45588 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
45589%
45590The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
45591%
45592"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
45593 -- G. Fitch
45594%
45595The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
45596sometimes three.
45597 -- Alexandre Dumas
45598%
45599The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
45600at the steam fitters picnic.
45601%
45602The chief cause of problems is solutions.
45603 -- Eric Sevareid
45604%
45605The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
45606 -- Alfred Adler
45607%
45608The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
45609 -- Picasso
45610%
45611The church is near but the road is icy,
45612the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
45613 -- Russian Proverb
45614%
45615The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
45616 -- Elbert Hubbard
45617%
45618The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
45619specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
45620rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
45621%
45622The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
45623%
45624The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
45625 -- John Muir
45626%
45627The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
45628the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
45629military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
45630private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
45631and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
45632who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
45633 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
45634%
45635The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
45636%
45637The closest to perfection a person ever comes
45638is when he fills out a job application form.
45639 -- Stanley J. Randall
45640%
45641The clothes have no emperor.
45642 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
45643%
45644The coast was clear.
45645 -- Lope de Vega
45646%
45647The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
45648intellectual nakedness.
45649 -- Robert M. Hutchins
45650%
45651The Commandments of the EE:
45652
456531: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
45654 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
45655 embarrassing manner.
456562: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
45657 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
45658 earthly vale of tears.
456593: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
45660 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
45661 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
45662 a radiator too.
456634: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
45664 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
45665 unbelievers.
45666%
45667The Commandments of the EE:
45668
456695: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
45670 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
45671 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
45672 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
45673 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
456746: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
45675 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
45676 the fury of the engineers on his head.
456777: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
45678 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
45679 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
456808: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
45681 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
45682 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
45683 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
45684%
45685The Commandments of the EE:
45686
456879: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
45688 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
45689 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
4569010: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
45691 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
45692 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
45693 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
4569411: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
45695 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
45696 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
45697 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
45698 innocent-seeming device.
45699%
45700The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
45701%
45702The computer gets faster! --Moore--
45703%
45704The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
45705entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
4570650's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
45707the 80's.
45708 -- Marty Winston
45709%
45710The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
45711central power station is to the electrical industry.
45712 -- Peter Drucker
45713%
45714"The Computer made me do it."
45715%
45716The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
45717 -- Alan Perlis
45718%
45719The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
45720defined several times by examples of what it is not.
45721%
45722The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
45723memos.
45724 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
45725%
45726The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
45727and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
45728language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
45729dangerous.
45730 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
45731%
45732The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
45733subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
45734every bird watcher in the country.
45735 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
45736%
45737The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
45738than what we've got!
45739%
45740The Consultant's Curse:
45741 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
45742what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
45743medicine, and is normally only required once.
45744%
45745The control of the production of wealth
45746is the control of human life itself.
45747 -- Hilaire Belloc
45748%
45749The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
45750none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
45751Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
45752Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
45753talked about.
45754 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
45755%
45756The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
45757%
45758The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
45759 -- W.C. Fields
45760%
45761The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
45762%
45763The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
45764%
45765The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
45766female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
45767rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
45768would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
45769career.
45770 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
45771%
45772The course of true anything never does run smooth.
45773 -- Samuel Butler
45774%
45775The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
45776judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
45777Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
45778cermoniously handed it to the defendant.
45779 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
45780father!"
45781%
45782The covers of this book are too far apart.
45783 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
45784%
45785The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
45786 -- John McNulty
45787%
45788The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
45789Instruments.
45790 -- Credits from the PBS program ``The Creation of the Universe''
45791%
45792The Crown is full of it!
45793 -- Nate Harris, 1775
45794%
45795The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
45796be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
45797propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
45798and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
45799assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
45800of all our rights and privileges.
45801 -- William Ellery Channing
45802
45803%
45804The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
45805words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
45806 -- Susan Dooley
45807%
45808The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
45809 -- Andy Purshottam
45810%
45811The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
45812a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
45813%
45814The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
45815Every class is unfit to govern.
45816 -- Lord Acton
45817%
45818The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
45819plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
45820Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
45821be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
45822agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
45823nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
45824that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
45825years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
45826 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
45827%
45828The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
45829and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
45830 -- Henry David Thoreau
45831%
45832The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
45833%
45834The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
45835as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
45836the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
45837dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
45838this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
45839doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
45840 -- Thomas Jefferson
45841%
45842The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
45843%
45844The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
45845to a tedious book.
45846%
45847The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
45848who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
45849Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
45850%
45851The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
45852%
45853"The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
45854accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
45855Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator."
45856 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
45857%
45858The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
45859%
45860The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
45861Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
45862%
45863The degree of civilization in a society
45864can be judged by entering its prisons.
45865 -- F. Dostoyevski
45866%
45867The degree of technical confidence is inversely
45868proportional to the level of management.
45869%
45870The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
45871people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
45872 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
45873%
45874The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
45875successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
45876and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
45877of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
45878second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
45879Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
45880into a drawer.
45881 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
45882young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
45883 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
45884crisis passed.
45885 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured
45886manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
45887 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
45888would be restructured. The crisis passed.
45889 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
45890blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
45891into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
45892 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
45893%
45894The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
45895 -- Anaxagoras
45896%
45897The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
45898 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
45899%
45900The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
45901%
45902The devil finds work for idle glands.
45903%
45904The die is cast.
45905 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
45906%
45907The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
45908%
45909The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
45910%
45911The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
45912exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
45913 -- Mark Twain
45914%
45915The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
45916the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
45917it would be a calamity.
45918 -- Benjamin Disraeli
45919%
45920The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
45921miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
45922%
45923The difference between art and science is that science is what we
45924understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
45925 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
45926%
45927The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
45928thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
45929is thinking that they're conspiring.
45930 -- J. Kegler
45931%
45932The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
45933called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
45934%
45935The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
45936%
45937The difference between legal separation and divorce is
45938that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
45939%
45940The difference between reality and unreality
45941is that reality has so little to recommend it.
45942 -- Allan Sherman
45943%
45944The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
45945requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
45946 -- Robert Heinlein
45947%
45948The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
45949Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
45950rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
45951swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
45952 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
45953%
45954The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
45955you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
45956swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
45957sentimentality.
45958 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
45959%
45960The difference between the right word and the almost right word
45961is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
45962 -- Mark Twain
45963%
45964The difference between this place and yogurt
45965is that yogurt has a live culture.
45966%
45967The difference between us is not very far,
45968cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
45969%
45970The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
45971 -- T. K.
45972%
45973The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
45974%
45975The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
45976the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
45977work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
45978 -- Russell Baker
45979%
45980The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
45981%
45982The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
45983%
45984The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
45985naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
45986 -- Ambrose Bierce
45987%
45988The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
45989following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
45990
45991 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
45992Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
45993Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
45994 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
45995Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
45996Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
45997Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
45998goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
45999Jews won't go near them ..."
46000 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
46001%
46002The distinction between true and false appears to become
46003increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
46004 -- Arne Tiselius
46005%
46006The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
46007a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
46008%
46009The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
46010the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
46011and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
46012 -- John Adams
46013%
46014The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
46015really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
46016 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
46017%
46018The door is the key.
46019%
46020The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
46021this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
46022hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
46023the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
46024it to his master.
46025 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
46026 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
46027%
46028The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
46029of the woman.
46030 -- Honore DeBalzac
46031%
46032The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
46033%
46034The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
46035%
46036The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
46037and owns the worm farm.
46038 -- Travis McGee
46039%
46040The early worm gets the bird.
46041%
46042The early worm gets the late bird.
46043%
46044The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
46045%
46046The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
46047add ten percent.
46048%
46049"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
46050teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
46051
46052"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
46053or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
46054hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
46055But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
46056valuable posession to him."
46057
46058"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
46059end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
46060to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
46061have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
46062enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
46063roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
46064would tire of the spectacle eventually."
46065 -- Mark Twain
46066%
46067The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
46068weather forecasters.
46069 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
46070%
46071The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
46072*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
46073 -- Mel Brooks
46074%
46075The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
46076%
46077"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
46078Compute' -- I forget which."
46079 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
46080%
46081The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
46082to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
46083Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
46084The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
46085Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
46086first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
46087that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
46088over the post of robotics correspondent.
46089 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
46090had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
46091the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
46092Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
46093wall when the revolution came'.
46094%
46095The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
46096 -- Buckminster Fuller
46097%
46098The end of labor is to gain leisure.
46099%
46100The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
46101civilization.
46102 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
46103%
46104The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
46105symposium to follow.
46106%
46107The ends justify the means.
46108 -- after Matthew Prior
46109%
46110The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
46111of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
46112of these atoms is talking moonshine.
46113 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
46114 the first time
46115%
46116The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
46117in full pursuit of the uneatable.
46118 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
46119%
46120The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
46121their children to speak it.
46122 -- George Bernard Shaw
46123%
46124The English instinctively admire any man
46125who has no talent and is modest about it.
46126 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
46127%
46128The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
46129purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
46130place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
46131before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
46132all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
46133result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
46134relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
46135Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
46136
46137 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
46138 "What kind of family do you come from?"
46139 "A rich, Jewish family."
46140 "And your wife?"
46141 "A German aristocrat."
46142 "Have you ever been to the West?"
46143 "I spent most of my life in England."
46144 "How did you make a living there?"
46145 "A friend supported me."
46146 "Where did you get the money from?"
46147 "He owned a textile factory."
46148 "Who was Lenin?"
46149 "Never heard of him."
46150 "What is your name?"
46151 "Karl Marx."
46152%
46153[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
46154practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
46155 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
46156 presidential aspirant.
46157%
46158The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
46159for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
46160a substitute for intelligence.
46161 -- Lyman Bryson
46162%
46163The eternal feminine draws us upward.
46164 -- Goethe
46165%
46166The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
46167 -- Anne Boleyn
46168%
46169The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
46170is the most likely to be correct.
46171 -- William of Occam
46172%
46173The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
46174the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
46175own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
46176of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
46177of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
46178what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
46179everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
46180so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
46181in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
46182 -- Chuang Tzu
46183%
46184The eyes of taxes are upon you.
46185%
46186The eyes of Texas are upon you,
46187All the livelong day;
46188The eyes of Texas are upon you,
46189You cannot get away;
46190Do not think you can escape them
46191From night 'til early in the morn;
46192The eyes of Texas are upon you
46193'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
46194 -- University of Texas' school song
46195%
46196The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
46197utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
46198a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
46199 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
46200%
46201The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
46202remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
46203 -- Ambrose Bierce
46204%
46205The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics
46206in general as no other can.
46207 -- Wilhelm Reich
46208%
46209The fact that it works is immaterial.
46210 -- L. Ogborn
46211%
46212The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
46213endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
46214compassion.
46215 -- Saul Alinsky
46216%
46217The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
46218%
46219The farther you go, the less you know.
46220 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
46221%
46222The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
46223 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
46224%
46225The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
46226outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
46227say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
46228so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
46229so long as they are Tories.
46230 -- Christopher Booker
46231%
46232The faster I go, the behinder I get.
46233 -- Lewis Carroll
46234%
46235The faster we go, the rounder we get.
46236 -- The Grateful Dead
46237%
46238The Fastest Defeat In Chess
46239 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
46240master.
46241 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
46242Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
46243chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
46244of their own homes.
46245 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
46246 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3
46247 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4
46248 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5
46249 4: P-K6, Kt-K6/
46250 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
46251either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
46252 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46253%
46254The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
46255business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the
46256lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
46257of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
46258 "Whaddaya want?"
46259 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
46260 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
46261%
46262The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
46263and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
46264suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
46265I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
46266dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
46267quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
46268and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
46269for them to despise science fiction.
46270 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
46271%
46272The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
46273wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
46274 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
46275you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
46276the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
46277center at Notre Dame."
46278 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
46279times."
46280%
46281"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
46282supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
46283anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
46284husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
46285and become lesbians."
46286%
46287The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
46288 (1) write down the problem.
46289 (2) think very hard.
46290 (3) write down the answer.
46291 -- Murray Gell-Mann
46292%
46293The Fifth Rule:
46294 You have taken yourself too seriously.
46295%
46296The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
46297 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
46298%
46299The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons.
46300%
46301The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
46302%
46303The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
46304the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
46305%
46306The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
46307the Bible.
46308 -- John Quincy Adams
46309
46310All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
46311but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
46312to man are contained in it.
46313 -- Abraham Lincoln
46314
46315... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
46316life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only
46317guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
46318 -- Woodrow Wilson
46319%
46320The First Commandment for Technicians:
46321 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
46322capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
46323untechnician-like manner.
46324%
46325The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
46326 -- Abbie Hoffman
46327%
46328The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
46329Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
46330tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
46331forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
46332fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
46333threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
46334suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
46335foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
46336one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
46337dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
46338drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
46339and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
46340thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
46341of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
46342in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
46343crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
46344Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
46345a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
46346throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
46347 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
46348%
46349The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
46350 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
46351%
46352The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
46353and the second half by our children.
46354 -- Clarence Darrow
46355%
46356The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
46357and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
46358%
46359The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
46360management is that success equals skill.
46361 -- Robert Heller
46362%
46363The first requisite for immortality is death.
46364 -- Stanislaw Lem
46365%
46366The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
46367child, was propounded to me by my father:
46368 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
46369whistles?"
46370 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
46371gave up.
46372 "A herring," said my father.
46373 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
46374 "So hang it there."
46375 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
46376 "Paint it."
46377 "But a herring isn't wet."
46378 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
46379 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
46380doesn't whistle!!"
46381 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
46382hard."
46383 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
46384%
46385The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
46386 -- H. L. Mencken
46387%
46388The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
46389 -- Paul Erlich
46390%
46391"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
46392hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
46393 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
46394%
46395The First Rule of Program Optimization:
46396 Don't do it.
46397
46398The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
46399 Don't do it yet.
46400 -- Michael Jackson
46401%
46402The first thing I do in the morning
46403is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
46404 -- Dorothy Parker
46405%
46406The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
46407 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
46408%
46409The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
46410The second, a trick.
46411Later, it's a well-established technique!
46412 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
46413%
46414The first version always gets thrown away.
46415%
46416The five rules of Socialism:
46417
46418 1. Don't think.
46419 2. If you do think, don't speak.
46420 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
46421 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
46422 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
46423
46424 -- being told in Poland, 1987
46425%
46426...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
46427%
46428The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
46429 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
46430%
46431The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
46432 -- Alan Coult
46433%
46434The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
46435Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
46436
46437As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
46438logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
46439appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
46440four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
46441 . . .
46442Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
46443blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
46444parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
46445of the hyper-cube.
46446%
46447The following statement is not true.
46448The previous statement is true.
46449%
46450The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
46451
46452 1. You can't push on a string.
46453 2. Ain't no free lunches.
46454 3. Them as has, gets.
46455 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
46456%
46457The Force is what holds everything together.
46458It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
46459It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
46460%
46461The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
46462completely surrounded by people who want some.
46463 -- Dwight MacDonald
46464%
46465The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
46466because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
46467rests on mutual help.
46468 -- Laukikanyay.
46469%
46470The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
46471and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
46472%
46473The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
46474received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
46475%
46476The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
46477trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
46478%
46479The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
46480objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
46481due to levitation.
46482 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
46483if the character does not have fire resistance.
46484 -- README file from the NetHack game
46485%
46486"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
46487vinyl."
46488 -- Dave Barry
46489%
46490[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
46491 -- Somerset Maugham
46492%
46493The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
46494number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
46495%
46496The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
46497of both parties tactfully interferes.
46498 -- G. K. Chesterton
46499%
46500The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
46501but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
46502 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
46503%
46504The future is a myth created by insurance
46505salesmen and high school counselors.
46506%
46507The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
46508 -- H. G. Wells
46509%
46510The future is going to be boring.
46511 -- J. G. Ballard
46512%
46513The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
46514%
46515The future lies ahead.
46516%
46517The future not being born, my friend,
46518we will abstain from baptizing it.
46519 -- George Meredith
46520%
46521The garden is in mourning;
46522The rain falls cool among the flowers.
46523Summer shivers quietly
46524On its way towards its end.
46525
46526Golden leaf after leaf
46527Falls from the tall acacia.
46528Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
46529In this dying dream of a garden.
46530
46531For a long while, yet, in the roses,
46532She will linger on, yearning for peace,
46533And slowly
46534Close her weary eyes.
46535 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
46536%
46537The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
46538%
46539The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
46540people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
46541drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
46542 -- Gore Vidal
46543%
46544The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
46545%
46546The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
46547%
46548The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
46549today.
46550%
46551The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
46552remember her first husband.
46553%
46554The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
46555%
46556The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
46557 -- Sophia Loren
46558%
46559The glances over cocktails
46560That seemed to be so sweet
46561Don't seem quite so amorous
46562Over Shredded Wheat
46563%
46564The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
46565least until we've finished building it.
46566%
46567The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
46568The goal of nature is to build better mice.
46569%
46570The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
46571They gave him love and he invented marriage.
46572%
46573The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
46574is your move.
46575 -- Frank Crane
46576%
46577The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
46578 He who has the gold makes the rules.
46579%
46580"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
46581make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
46582have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
46583man in the bonds of Hell."
46584 -- St. Augustine
46585%
46586The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
46587to be good.
46588 -- John Barrymore
46589%
46590The good (I am convinced, for one)
46591Is but the bad one leaves undone.
46592Once your reputation's done
46593You can live a life of fun.
46594 -- Wilhelm Busch
46595%
46596The good life was so elusive
46597It really got me down
46598I had to regain some confidence
46599So I got into camaflouge
46600%
46601The good time is approaching,
46602The season is at hand.
46603When the merry click of the two-base lick
46604Will be heard throughout the land.
46605The frost still lingers on the earth, and
46606Budless are the trees.
46607But the merry ring of the voice of spring
46608Is borne upon the breeze.
46609 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
46610%
46611The Gordian Maxim:
46612If a string has one end, it has another.
46613%
46614The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
46615to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
46616and they can't fire it.
46617%
46618The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
46619statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are
46620extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
46621displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
46622case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
46623down anything he damn well pleases.
46624 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
46625%
46626The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
46627Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
46628and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
46629%
46630The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
46631Christian Religion
46632 -- George Washington
46633%
46634The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
46635with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
46636fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
46637for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
46638"Send Lord Combermere."
46639 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
46640Combermere a fool."
46641 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
46642 -- G. W. E. Russell
46643%
46644The goys have proven the following theorem...
46645 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
46646 lecture.
46647%
46648The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
46649who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
46650 -- Benjamin Franklin.
46651%
46652The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
46653%
46654The grave's a fine and private place,
46655but none, I think, do there embrace.
46656 -- Andrew Marvell
46657%
46658The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
46659 -- Charles de Gaulle
46660%
46661The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
46662 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
46663courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
46664clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
46665of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
46666Hedgehog Eater.
46667 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
46668%
46669The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
46670 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
46671%
46672The Great Movie Posters:
46673
46674*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
46675With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
46676 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
46677
46678Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
46679GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
46680 -- The Wild Party (1929)
46681
46682YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
46683DIX -- the dashing soldier!
46684 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
46685 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
46686 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
46687
46688SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
46689SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
46690 -- The Night is Young (1934)
46691%
46692The Great Movie Posters:
46693
46694A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
46695unimaginable hell.
46696 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
46697
46698NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
46699 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
46700
46701LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF
46702SLAUGHTER!
46703 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
46704
46705The family that slays together stays together.
46706 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
46707%
46708The Great Movie Posters:
46709
46710An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
46711 -- Squirm (1976)
46712
46713Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
46714This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
46715 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
46716
46717WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
46718 -- Zombie (1980)
46719
46720It's not human and it's got an axe.
46721 -- The Prey (1981)
46722%
46723The Great Movie Posters:
46724
46725Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
46726SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
46727... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
46728 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
46729
46730An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
46731 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
46732
46733WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
46734RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
46735Alone, only a harmless pet...
46736 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
46737 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
46738
46739They're Over-Exposed
46740But Not Under-Developed!
46741 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
46742%
46743The Great Movie Posters:
46744
46745HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
46746 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
46747
46748Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
46749Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
46750 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
46751
46752NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
46753FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
46754 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
46755%
46756The Great Movie Posters:
46757
46758HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
46759 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
46760
46761The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
46762
46763 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
46764
46765TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
46766 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
46767
46768They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
46769 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
46770%
46771The Great Movie Posters:
46772
46773KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
46774of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
46775you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
46776 -- Spitfire (1934)
46777
46778Do Native Women Live With Apes?
46779 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
46780
46781JUNGLE KISS!!
46782 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
46783was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
46784she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic
46785spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
46786was a girl in love!
46787 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
46788 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
46789
46790LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
46791 -- Intermezzo (1939)
46792%
46793The Great Movie Posters:
46794
46795POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
46796 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
46797
46798She Sins in Mobile --
46799Marries in Houston --
46800Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
46801Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
46802MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
46803FIRST -- HARLOW!
46804THEN -- MONROE!
46805NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
46806 -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
46807
46808*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
46809A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
468101001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
46811 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
46812 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
46813 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
46814%
46815The Great Movie Posters:
46816
46817SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
46818-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
46819-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
46820-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
46821-- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
46822 SEE the burning of a virgin!
46823 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
46824 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
46825 -- Kwaheri (1965)
46826
46827The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
46828 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
46829
46830AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
46831A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
46832 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
46833give you the wim-wams!
46834 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
46835%
46836The Great Movie Posters:
46837
46838SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
46839SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
46840SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
46841 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
46842
46843What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
46844 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
46845
46846It's always better when you come again!
46847 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
46848
46849You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
46850 -- Pieces (1983)
46851%
46852The Great Movie Posters:
46853
46854SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
46855on a roaring rampage of revenge!
46856 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
46857
46858WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
46859SAUSAGES?
46860 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
46861
46862TODAY the Pond!
46863TOMORROW the World!
46864 -- Frogs (1972)
46865%
46866The Great Movie Posters:
46867
46868She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
46869 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
46870
46871CAST OF 3,000!
468724 WRITERS,
468732 DIRECTORS,
468743 CAMERAMEN,
468753 PRODUCERS!
468761 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
4687724 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
4687820 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
46879 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
46880 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
46881THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
46882Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
46883 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
46884 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
46885 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
46886%
46887The Great Movie Posters:
46888
46889The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
46890 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
46891
46892OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
46893Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
46894the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
46895Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
46896 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
46897 -- Robot Monster (1953)
46898
468991,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
46900802 scared bulls!
46901 -- The Egyptian (1954)
46902%
46903The Great Movie Posters:
46904
46905The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
46906horror on a screaming world!
46907 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
46908
46909SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs,
46910giant desires!
46911 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
46912
46913Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
46914What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
46915Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
46916 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
46917%
46918The Great Movie Posters:
46919
46920They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
46921SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
46922 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
46923
46924See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
46925 -- The French Line (1954)
46926
46927See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
46928 -- Hot Blood (1956)
46929%
46930The Great Movie Posters:
46931
46932When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
46933Friends...
46934 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
46935
46936Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
46937 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
46938
46939A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
46940OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
46941 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
46942%
46943The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
46944like prostitutes.
46945 -- Stanley Kubrick
46946%
46947The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
46948yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
46949feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
46950 -- Sigmund Freud
46951%
46952The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
46953At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
46954answered themselves.
46955 -- Arthur Binstead
46956%
46957The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
46958of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
46959 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
46960%
46961The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
46962is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
46963%
46964The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
46965 -- Sophocles
46966%
46967The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
46968before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
46969the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
46970their wives and daughters to his arms.
46971 -- Genghis Khan
46972%
46973The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
46974 -- Polish proverb
46975%
46976The Greatest Mathematical Error
46977 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
46978July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
46979give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
46980would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
46981corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet,
46982scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
46983 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
46984plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
46985 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
46986the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
46987spokesman said.
46988 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
46989 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46990%
46991The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
46992%
46993The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
46994 -- Robert Heinlein
46995%
46996The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
46997%
46998The groundhog is like most other prophets;
46999it delivers its message and then disappears.
47000%
47001The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead,
47002thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature
47003would have been useful to the chicken.
47004
47005 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction"
47006%
47007The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
47008 -- Galbraith
47009%
47010The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
47011 -- J. K. Galbraith
47012%
47013The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
47014success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
47015%
47016The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
47017 -- Albert Einstein
47018%
47019The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
47020you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
47021%
47022The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
47023deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
47024author's name on the title page.
47025 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
47026%
47027The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
47028 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
47029%
47030The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
47031of functions performed by private citizens.
47032 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
47033%
47034The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
47035whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
47036%
47037The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
47038 -- Blaise Pascal
47039%
47040The heart is wiser than the intellect.
47041%
47042...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
47043%
47044The heaviest object in the world is the
47045body of the woman you have ceased to love.
47046 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
47047%
47048The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
47049 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
47050%
47051The help people need most urgently is
47052help in admitting that they need help.
47053%
47054The herd instinct among economists
47055makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
47056%
47057The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
47058challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
47059keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
47060itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
47061of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
47062is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
47063adventurous youth.
47064 -- Benjamin Cardozo
47065%
47066The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
47067which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
47068least 5000 years old."
47069%
47070The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
47071 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
47072%
47073The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
47074three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
47075Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
47076instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
47077eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
47078have lunch?".
47079 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
47080%
47081The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
47082are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
47083
47084Retribution:
47085 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
47086Anticipation:
47087 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
47088Diplomacy:
47089 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
47090 pretext that your brother did it.
47091%
47092The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
47093 -- Johnny Carson
47094%
47095The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
47096to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
47097 -- Helen Rowland
47098%
47099The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
47100she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
47101 -- Bill Lawrence
47102%
47103The horror... the horror!
47104%
47105The human animal differs from the lesser
47106primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
47107 -- H. Allen Smith
47108%
47109The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
47110you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
47111 -- Sir George Jessel
47112%
47113"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
47114has gills through which it can see."
47115 -- Monty Python
47116%
47117The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
47118its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
47119%
47120The human mind treats a new idea the way the
47121body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
47122 -- P. Medawar
47123%
47124The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
47125Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
47126its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
47127us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
47128facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
47129certain degree of awe.
47130 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
47131%
47132The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
47133 -- Mark Twain
47134%
47135The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
47136procession but carrying a banner.
47137 -- Mark Twain
47138%
47139The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
47140 -- David Gerrold
47141%
47142The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
47143that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
47144 -- Leo J. Burke
47145%
47146The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
47147if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
47148 -- D. Cohen
47149%
47150The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
47151 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
47152%
47153The idea is to die young as late as possible.
47154 -- Ashley Montague
47155%
47156The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
47157tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
47158it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
47159 -- Doug Gwyn
47160%
47161The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
47162devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
47163where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
47164sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
47165consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
47166have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
47167repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
47168of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
47169devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
47170 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
47171%
47172The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
47173no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
47174 -- Harry V. Wade
47175%
47176The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
47177are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
47178understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
47179 -- John Maynard Keyes
47180%
47181"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
47182 -- Franco Spisani
47183%
47184The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
47185%
47186The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
47187 -- Quintus Ennius
47188%
47189"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
47190longer."
47191 -- Henry Kissinger
47192%
47193The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
47194 A program is a lot like a nose:
47195 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
47196%
47197The important thing is not to stop questioning.
47198%
47199The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
47200%
47201The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
47202has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
47203when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
47204 -- Will Rogers
47205%
47206The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
47207point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
47208important thing to people.
47209 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
47210%
47211The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
47212a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
47213 -- Bertrand Russell
47214%
47215The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
47216the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
47217 -- Churchill
47218%
47219The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
47220there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
47221pointer and a mark.
47222 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
47223%
47224The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
47225number of participants.
47226 -- Adam Walinsky
47227%
47228The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
47229the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
47230affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
47231style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into
47232manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
47233constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
47234overturning everything.
47235 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
47236%
47237The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
47238the group divided by the number of people in the group.
47239%
47240The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
47241information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
47242dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
47243real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
47244
47245So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
47246pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
47247consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
47248 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
47249%
47250The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
47251treat the Arabs like postmen.
47252 -- Franklyn Ajaye
47253%
47254The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
47255knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
47256Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
47257 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
47258good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
47259still in."
47260%
47261"The jig's up, Elman."
47262"Which jig?"
47263 -- Jeff Elman
47264%
47265The Junior God now heads the roll
47266In the list of heaven's peers;
47267He sits in the House of High Control,
47268And he regulates the spheres.
47269Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
47270If, even in gods divine,
47271The best and wisest may not be those
47272Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
47273 -- R. W. Service
47274%
47275The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
47276debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
47277revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
47278quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
47279resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
47280workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
47281Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
47282to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
47283hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
47284nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
47285goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
47286drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
47287 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
47288 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
47289 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
47290 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
47291%
47292The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems:
47293there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud.
47294 -- Andrew Hume
47295%
47296The Kennedy Constant:
47297 Don't get mad -- get even.
47298%
47299The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
47300 -- L. Zadeh
47301%
47302The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
47303an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
47304advantage to see the truth.
47305 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
47306%
47307The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
47308%
47309The kind of danger people most enjoy is
47310the kind they can watch from a safe place.
47311%
47312The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
47313
47314King: "How goes the battle plan?"
47315Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
47316K: "Yes."
47317A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
47318 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
47319 the dust clears."
47320K: "And?"
47321A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
47322K: "But what about the
47323^#!!$% battle plan?"
47324A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
47325%
47326The knowledge that makes us cherish
47327innocence makes innocence unattainable.
47328 -- Irving Howe
47329%
47330The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
47331the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
47332world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
47333dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
47334per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
47335really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
47336drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
47337I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
47338And now, just look at me."
47339%
47340The ladies men admire, I've heard,
47341Would shudder at a wicked word.
47342Their candle gives a single light;
47343They'd rather stay at home at night.
47344They do not keep awake till three,
47345Nor read erotic poetry.
47346They never sanction the impure,
47347Nor recognize an overture.
47348They shrink from powders and from paints...
47349So far, I've had no complaints.
47350 -- Dorothy Parker
47351%
47352The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
47353Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
47354 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
47355%
47356The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
47357 -- Werner Trobin
47358%
47359The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
47360everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
47361%
47362The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
47363%
47364The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
47365 -- Blaise Pascal
47366%
47367The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
47368hand.
47369 -- Fred Allen
47370%
47371The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
47372processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
47373 -- Roy Blount, Jr.
47374%
47375The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
47376 -- Governor Tarkin
47377%
47378The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
47379to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
47380 -- Anatole France
47381%
47382The Law of the Letter:
47383 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
47384%
47385The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
47386 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
47387%
47388The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
47389law free.
47390 -- Henry David Thoreau
47391%
47392The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
47393should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
47394weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
47395we own.
47396 -- H. G. Wells
47397%
47398The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
47399 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
47400most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
47401give a public reading of his latest poem.
47402 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
47403Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
47404Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
47405 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
47406and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
47407the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
47408turn."
47409 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
47410Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
47411lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
47412Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
47413on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
47414much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
47415 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
47416exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
47417their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
47418be better."
47419 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47420%
47421The Least Successful Animal Rescue
47422 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
47423rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
47424emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
47425lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
47426tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
47427So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
47428later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
47429 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47430%
47431The Least Successful Collector
47432 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
47433was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
47434amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
47435works of Shakespeare.
47436 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
47437legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
47438remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
47439 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
47440the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
47441French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
47442 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47443%
47444The Least Successful Defrosting Device
47445 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
47446whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
47447 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
47448got stuck fast."
47449 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
47450was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
47451 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
47452muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
47453 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
47454constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
47455Lips".
47456 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47457%
47458The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
47459 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
47460Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
47461legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
47462enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
47463men and women.
47464 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47465%
47466The Least Successful Executions
47467 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
47468The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
47469made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
47470snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
47471and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
47472punishment, he was reprieved.
47473 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
47474tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
47475occasion failed to get the trap door open.
47476 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
47477Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
47478to America and lived until 1933.
47479 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47480%
47481The Least Successful Police Dogs
47482 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
47483schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
47484in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
47485offend the criminal classes.
47486 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
47487and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
47488 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
47489stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
47490raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
474911967.
47492 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
47493patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
47494fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
47495him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
47496 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47497%
47498The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
47499 -- Kin Hubbard
47500%
47501The less time planning, the more time programming.
47502%
47503THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
47504
47505 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
47506Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
47507for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
47508code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
47509END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
47510syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
47511the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
47512frustrating process of testing and debugging.
47513%
47514THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
47515
47516 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
47517Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
47518users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
47519lithtth.
47520%
47521THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
47522
47523 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
47524Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
47525SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
47526three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
47527while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
47528often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
47529%
47530THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
47531
47532 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
47533industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
47534Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
47535operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
47536accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
47537
47538 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
47539 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
47540 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
47541 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
47542 THEN
47543 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
47544 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
47545 SURE
47546 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
47547 GOTO THE MALL
47548
47549 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
47550example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
47551message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
47552AWESOME!
47553%
47554THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
47555
47556 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
47557DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
47558SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
47559graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
47560it travels across the screen.
47561%
47562THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
47563
47564 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
47565unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
47566Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
47567programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
47568%
47569THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
47570
47571 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
47572he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
47573best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
47574generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
47575a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
47576%
47577THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
47578
47579 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
47580refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
47581FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
47582refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
47583VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
47584 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
47585financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
47586LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
47587RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
47588who end up using this language.
47589%
47590THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
47591
47592 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
47593T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
47594intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
47595 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
47596while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
47597since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
47598 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
47599gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
47600syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
47601%
47602The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
47603 -- Lenny Bruce
47604%
47605The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
47606 -- Plato
47607%
47608The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
47609train.
47610%
47611The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
47612%
47613The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
47614%
47615The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come
47616%
47617The lion and the calf shall lie down
47618together but the calf won't get much sleep.
47619 -- Woody Allen
47620%
47621The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
47622She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
47623 -- DeGourmont
47624%
47625The little pieces of my life I give to you,
47626with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
47627%
47628The little town that time forgot,
47629Where all the women are strong,
47630The men are good-looking,
47631And the children above-average.
47632 -- Prairie Home Companion
47633%
47634The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
47635door with a basket of kittens.
47636 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
47637 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
47638Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
47639girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
47640 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
47641 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
47642 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
47643 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
47644%
47645The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
47646for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
47647simply making a limiting statement about himself.
47648 -- Sidney Harris
47649%
47650The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
47651 -- Henry Kissinger
47652%
47653The longer the title, the less important the job.
47654%
47655The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
47656 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
47657%
47658"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
47659we could with both of them."
47660 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
47661%
47662The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
47663Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
47664%
47665The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
47666so many of them.
47667 -- Abraham Lincoln
47668%
47669The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
47670 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47671%
47672The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
47673the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
47674her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
47675Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
47676steel through your last meal!'
47677 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
47678%
47679The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
47680%
47681The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
47682Are of imagination all compact...
47683 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
47684%
47685The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
47686%
47687The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
47688 -- Benjamin Disraeli
47689%
47690The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
47691 -- Kevin Cowherd
47692%
47693The major advances in civilization are processes
47694that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
47695 -- A. N. Whitehead
47696%
47697The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
47698bonds will eventually mature.
47699%
47700The major sin is the sin of being born.
47701 -- Samuel Beckett
47702%
47703The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play
47704the violin.
47705 -- Honore DeBalzac
47706%
47707The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
47708The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
47709consistency.
47710 -- Albert Einstein
47711%
47712The makers may make,
47713And the users may use,
47714But the fixers must fix
47715With but minimal clues.
47716%
47717The man she had was kind and clean
47718And well enough for every day,
47719But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
47720The one that got away.
47721 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
47722%
47723The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
47724 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
47725Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
47726invented it.
47727 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
47728American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
47729 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
47730After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
47731-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
47732 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
47733point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
47734the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
47735not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
47736that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
47737sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
47738 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47739%
47740The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
47741The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
47742been.
47743 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
47744%
47745The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
47746 -- Menander
47747%
47748The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
47749 -- Bertolt Brecht
47750%
47751The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
47752 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
47753%
47754The man who runs may fight again.
47755 -- Menander
47756%
47757The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
47758Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
47759 -- Old Japanese proverb
47760%
47761The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
47762will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
47763 -- Mark Twain
47764%
47765The man who understands one woman is
47766qualified to understand pretty well everything.
47767 -- Yeats
47768%
47769The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
47770to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
47771 -- Will Rogers
47772
47773The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
47774 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
47775%
47776The Marines:
47777 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
47778%
47779The Marines:
47780 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
47781%
47782The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
47783wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
47784 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
47785%
47786The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
47787while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
47788 -- Wilhelm Stekel
47789%
47790The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
47791and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
47792master calls a butterfly.
47793 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
47794%
47795The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
47796husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
47797are one, and that one is marxism.
47798 -- Heidi Hartmann,
47799 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
47800%
47801The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
47802%
47803The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
47804soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
47805which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
47806%
47807The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
47808 -- Bulwer
47809%
47810The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
47811%
47812The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
47813always end up on their ends without any means.
47814 -- Saul Alinsky
47815%
47816The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
47817Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
47818%
47819The meek don't want it.
47820%
47821The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
47822%
47823The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
47824%
47825The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
47826time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
47827%
47828The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
47829 -- J. P. Getty
47830%
47831The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
47832%
47833The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
47834%
47835The meek shall inherit the Earth.
47836(But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
47837%
47838The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
47839%
47840The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
47841chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
47842 -- Carl Jung
47843%
47844[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
47845undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
47846for impotency.
47847 -- Winston Churchill
47848%
47849The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
47850 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
47851 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
47852 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
47853%
47854The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
47855devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
47856 -- Lew Mammel, Jr.
47857%
47858The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
47859%
47860The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
47861mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
47862being who produces the impressions.
47863 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
47864%
47865The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
47866general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
47867any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
47868not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
47869Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
47870Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
47871predictive power.
47872 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
47873 Thinking"
47874%
47875The Modelski Chain Rule:
478761: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
47877 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
47878 Hewlett-Packard.
478792: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
47880 bright-looking individual.
478813: Procure a large chain.
478824: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
47883 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
47884 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
47885 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
47886%
47887The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
47888 -- Laurence J. Peter
47889%
47890"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
47891themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
47892of the bicuspids?"
47893 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
47894%
47895The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
47896 -- Nicol Williamson
47897%
47898The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
47899%
47900The moon is made of green cheese.
47901 -- John Heywood
47902%
47903The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
47904%
47905The Moral Majority is neither.
47906%
47907The more complex the mind, the greater
47908the need for the simplicity of play.
47909 -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave"
47910%
47911The more control, the more that requires control.
47912%
47913The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
47914the odds that the competition already has the order.
47915%
47916The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
47917%
47918"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
47919lower the mailing cost."
47920 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
47921%
47922The more I know men the more I like my horse.
47923%
47924The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
47925 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
47926%
47927The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
47928 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
47929%
47930The more laws and order are made prominent,
47931the more thieves and robbers there will be.
47932 -- Lao Tsu
47933%
47934The more the merrier.
47935 -- John Heywood
47936%
47937The more they over-think the plumbing
47938the easier it is to stop up the drain.
47939%
47940The more things change, the more they remain the same.
47941 -- Alphonse Karr
47942%
47943The more things change, the more they stay insane.
47944%
47945The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
47946%
47947The more we disagree, the more chance
47948there is that at least one of us is right.
47949%
47950The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
47951%
47952The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
47953%
47954The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
47955First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
47956three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
47957%
47958The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
47959%
47960The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
47961 -- Andy Warhol
47962%
47963The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
47964%
47965The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
47966exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
47967rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
47968flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
47969have the good fortune to find one.
47970 -- Carlyle
47971%
47972The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
47973family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
47974of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
47975 -- Derek Wills
47976%
47977The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
47978in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
47979 -- H. L. Mencken
47980%
47981The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
47982 -- American proverb
47983%
47984The most dangerous organization in America today is:
47985
47986 a) The KKK
47987 b) The American Nazi Party
47988 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
47989%
47990The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
47991the country is the one on which you resell it.
47992 -- J. Brecheux
47993%
47994The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
47995is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
47996%
47997"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
47998to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
47999 -- Theodore H. White
48000%
48001The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
48002%
48003The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
48004not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
48005 -- Alfred De Musset
48006%
48007The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
48008discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
48009 -- Isaac Asimov
48010%
48011The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
48012ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
48013it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
48014woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
48015the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
48016bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
48017in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
48018starts a long, long time before the event.
48019 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
48020 from "Congress Eate It Up"
48021%
48022...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
48023freshman English at a Midwestern university.
48024 -- Tom Wolfe
48025%
48026The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
48027of a deaf man to a blind woman.
48028 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
48029%
48030The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
48031%
48032The most important early product on the way
48033to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
48034%
48035The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
48036people to approach printed matter with distrust.
48037%
48038The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
48039is that one of them be good at taking orders.
48040 -- Linda Festa
48041%
48042The most important things, each person must do for himself.
48043%
48044The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
48045 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
48046%
48047The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
48048conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
48049participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
48050organization.
48051 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
48052organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
48053orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
48054know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
48055every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
48056 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
48057New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
48058 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
48059Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
48060weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
48061a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
48062with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
48063Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
48064white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
48065so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
48066or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
48067possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
48068lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
48069demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
48070astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
48071an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
48072radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
48073existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
48074and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
48075broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
48076 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
48077%
48078The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
48079served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
48080been found.
48081 -- Calvin Trillin
48082%
48083The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
48084biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
48085them were fishermen.
48086 -- Arthur Binstead
48087%
48088The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
48089 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
48090Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
48091several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
48092the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
48093to commit adultery.
48094 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
48095country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
48096the printers L3,000.
48097 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48098%
48099The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
48100children for their insurance money.
48101 -- Sherlock Holmes
48102%
48103The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
48104%
48105The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
48106 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
48107Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
48108 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
48109%
48110The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
48111perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
48112seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
48113%
48114The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
48115 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
48116%
48117The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
48118 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
48119%
48120"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
481211986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
48122 -- David Letterman
48123%
48124The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
48125 Support your right to bare arms!
48126%
48127The nearer to the church, the further from God.
48128 -- John Heywood
48129%
48130The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
48131 -- John Gilmore
48132%
48133The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
48134in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
48135occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
48136 -- James 'Kibo' Parry
48137%
48138The net of law is spread so wide,
48139No sinner from its sweep may hide.
48140Its meshes are so fine and strong,
48141They take in every child of wrong.
48142O wondrous web of mystery!
48143Big fish alone escape from thee!
48144 -- James Jeffrey Roche
48145%
48146The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
48147I hope I don't get run over again.
48148%
48149The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
48150doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
48151%
48152THE NEW RIGHT:
48153 A javelin team that elects to receive.
48154%
48155The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
48156in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
48157
48158 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
48159 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
48160
48161 -- Matthew 5:37
48162%
48163"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
48164Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
48165The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
48166and running the country ..."
48167 -- Robert J Woodhead
48168%
48169The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
48170to me is going to have his head knocked off.
48171 -- Bill Conrad
48172%
48173The next thing I say to you will be true.
48174The last thing I said was false.
48175%
48176The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
48177 -- Lucille S. Harper
48178%
48179The nice thing about standards
48180is that there are so many of them to choose from.
48181 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
48182%
48183The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
48184%
48185The night passes quickly when you're asleep
48186But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
48187...
48188Breakfast at the Egg House,
48189Like the waffle on the griddle,
48190I'm burnt around the edges,
48191But I'm tender in the middle.
48192 -- Adrian Belew
48193%
48194The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
48195rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
48196bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
48197'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
48198 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
48199%
48200The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
48201remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
48202 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
48203%
48204The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
48205serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
48206these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
48207function is to serve as checks upon the state.
48208 -- Alan Barth
48209%
48210The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
48211correct.
48212 -- Ralph Hartley
48213%
48214The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
48215proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
48216%
48217The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
48218of the barbecue.
48219%
48220The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
48221increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
48222%
48223The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
48224 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
48225%
48226The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
48227is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
48228is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
48229 -- Robert Woodhead
48230%
48231The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
48232all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
48233answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
48234when called upon.
48235 However...
48236When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
48237yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
48238%
48239The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
48240%
48241The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
48242%
48243The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
48244
48245 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
48246 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
48247 of Corporate Planning."
48248%
48249The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
48250
48251 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
48252 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
48253 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
48254 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
48255%
48256The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
48257
48258 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
48259 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
48260 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
48261 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
48262 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
48263 god at 8:15 the next morning.
48264%
48265The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
48266is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
48267more like fourteen.
48268 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
48269%
48270The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
48271New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
48272they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
48273 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
48274taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
48275%
48276THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
48277to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
48278floor.
48279
48280"Sorry," he said with a smile.
48281 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
48282%
48283The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
48284%
48285The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
48286Let the reader catch his own breath.
48287 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
48288%
48289The older I grow, the more I distrust the
48290familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
48291 -- H. L. Mencken
48292%
48293The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
48294 -- Oscar Wilde
48295%
48296The one good thing about repeating your
48297mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
48298%
48299The one L lama, he's a priest
48300The two L llama, he's a beast
48301And I will bet my silk pyjama
48302There isn't any three L lllama.
48303 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
48304 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
48305%
48306The One Page Principle:
48307 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
48308 cannot be understood.
48309 -- Mark Ardis
48310%
48311The one sure way to make a lazy man look
48312respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
48313%
48314The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
48315 -- Abbey Hoffman
48316%
48317The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
48318 -- Pliny the Elder
48319%
48320The only constant is change.
48321%
48322The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
48323right turn on a red light.
48324 -- Woody Allen
48325%
48326The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
48327that the car salesman knows he's lying.
48328%
48329The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
48330%
48331The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
48332every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
48333 -- Oscar Wilde
48334%
48335The only difference in the game of love over the last few
48336thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
48337 -- The Indianapolis Star
48338%
48339The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
48340respectable.
48341 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
48342%
48343The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
48344The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
48345experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
48346thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
48347could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
48348swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
48349much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
48350oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
48351it and are delighted.
48352 -- Nietzsche
48353%
48354The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
48355 -- Dorothy Parker
48356%
48357The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
48358that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
48359beyond this they have not legitimacy.
48360 -- Einstein
48361%
48362The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
48363is your husband.
48364%
48365The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
48366mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
48367the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
48368like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
48369 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
48370%
48371The only people who make love all the time are liars.
48372 -- Louis Jordan
48373%
48374The only perfect science is hind-sight.
48375%
48376The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
48377%
48378The only possible interpretation of any research
48379whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
48380 -- Ernest Rutherford
48381%
48382The only problem with being a man of leisure
48383is that you can never stop and take a rest.
48384%
48385The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
48386 -- Phaedrus
48387%
48388The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
48389be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
48390be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
48391you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
48392 -- Bill Veeck
48393%
48394The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
48395plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
48396other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
48397 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
48398%
48399The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
48400%
48401The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
48402for getting acquainted.
48403 -- Heywood Broun
48404%
48405"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
48406 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
48407 Over and Over"
48408%
48409The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
48410%
48411The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
48412has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
48413finished, and put inside boxes.
48414 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
48415%
48416The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
48417of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
48418 -- Colette
48419%
48420The only reward of virtue is virtue.
48421 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
48422%
48423The only rose without thorns is friendship.
48424%
48425The only thing better than love is milk.
48426%
48427The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
48428%
48429The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
48430us nothing.
48431 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
48432%
48433The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
48434the first one was useless.
48435 -- Nicolas Chamfort
48436%
48437The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
48438It is never any use to oneself.
48439 -- Oscar Wilde
48440%
48441The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
48442 -- Earl Warren
48443
48444That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
48445the lessons that history has to teach.
48446 -- Aldous Huxley
48447
48448We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
48449 -- Georg Hegel
48450
48451HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
48452nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
48453this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
48454 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
48455%
48456"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
48457history."
48458 -- Hegel
48459
48460"I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
48461long view."
48462 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
48463%
48464The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
48465he has lost over the years.
48466 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
48467%
48468The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
48469 -- C. Schultz
48470%
48471The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
48472and guilt.
48473 -- Elvis Costello
48474%
48475The only way to amuse some people
48476is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
48477%
48478The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
48479 -- Oscar Wilde
48480%
| 3
4%
5=======================================================================
6|| ||
7|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
8|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
9|| ||
10=======================================================================
11 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
12 "Fortune Cookie"
13 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
14 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
15 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
16 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
17 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
18 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
19 Read the Warner paperback!
20 Invoke the Unix program!
21 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
22 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
23 centers.
24%
25 PLAYGIRL, Inc.
26 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
27Dear Sir:
28 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
29inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
30a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
31ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
32age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
33long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
34ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
35in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
36us.
37 Sympathetically,
38 Amanda L. Smith
39
40p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
41 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
42%
43 FROM THE DESK OF
44 Dorothy Gale
45
46 Auntie Em:
47 Hate you.
48 Hate Kansas.
49 Taking the dog.
50 Dorothy
51%
52 FROM THE DESK OF
53 Rapunzel
54
55Dear Prince:
56
57 Use ladder tonight --
58 you're splitting my ends.
59%
60 SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT
61
62Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
63Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
64
65 ABSTRACT
66 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
67the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
68of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
69of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
70bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
71pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
72there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
73to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
74functions.
75 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
76This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
77 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
78%
79 UNIX Trix
80
81For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
82save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
83next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
84to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
85forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
86the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
87either. If you need some help, give us a call.
88
89 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
90%
91 -- Gifts for Children --
92
93This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
94because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
95and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
96morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
97exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
98your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
99Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
100might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
101me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
102who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
103 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
104%
105 -- Gifts for Men --
106
107Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
108ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
109should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
110clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
111example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
112three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
113that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
114at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
115So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
116years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
117pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
118
119If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
120than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
121of tires.
122 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
123%
124 Chapter 1
125
126The story so far:
127
128 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
129of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
130 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
131%
132 DELETE A FORTUNE!
133
134Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
135to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
136"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
137gets expunged.
138%
139 Get GUMMed
140 --- ------
141The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
1421, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
143the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
144each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
145chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
146nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
147days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
148seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
149friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
150Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
151"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
152Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
153all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
154could tell them.
155 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
156%
157 It's grad exam time...
158COMPUTER SCIENCE
159 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
160system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
161this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
162bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
163new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
164
165MATHEMATICS
166 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
167it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
168length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
169
170GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
171Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
172%
173 It's grad exam time...
174MEDICINE
175 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
176bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
177been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
178
179HISTORY
180 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
181day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
182economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
183Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
184
185BIOLOGY
186 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
187if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
188special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
189%
190 Pittsburgh driver's test
19110: Potholes are
192 a) extremely dangerous.
193 b) patriotic.
194 c) the fault of the previous administration.
195 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
196The correct answer is b.
197Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
198are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
199you have nothing to worry about.
200%
201 Pittsburgh driver's test
2022: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
203 a) stop immediately.
204 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
205 c) blow the horn.
206 d) floor it.
207The correct answer is d.
208If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
209%
210 Pittsburgh driver's test
2113: When stopped at an intersection you should
212 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
213 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
214 c) blow the horn.
215 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
216The correct answer is d.
217You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
218street turns yellow.
219Answer c is worth a half point.
220%
221 Pittsburgh driver's test
2224: Exhaust gas is
223 a) beneficial.
224 b) not harmful.
225 c) toxic.
226 d) a punk band.
227The correct answer is b.
228The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
229are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
230you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
231%
232 Pittsburgh driver's test
2335: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
234 How often should you test it?
235 a) once a year.
236 b) once a month.
237 c) once a day.
238 d) once an hour.
239The correct answer is d.
240You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
241and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
242%
243 Pittsburgh driver's test
2447: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
245 but a steady left tail light. This means
246 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
247 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
248 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
249 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
250 d) The driver is from out of town.
251The correct answer is d.
252Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
253%
254 Pittsburgh driver's test
2558: Pedestrians are
256 a) irrelevant.
257 b) communists.
258 c) a nuisance.
259 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
260The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
261are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
262completely.
263%
264 Pittsburgh driver's test
2659: Roads are salted in order to
266 a) kill grass.
267 b) melt snow.
268 c) help the economy.
269 d) prevent potholes.
270The correct answer is c.
271Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
272indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
273salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
274steel industries.
275%
276 Has your family tried 'em?
277
278 POWDERMILK BISCUITS
279
280 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
281
282 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
283 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
284
285 POWDERMILK BISCUITS
286
287 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
288 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
289 stains that indicate freshness.
290%
291 THE STORY OF CREATION
292 or
293 THE MYTH OF URK
294
295In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
296and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
297was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
298registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
299and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
300Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
301and there was morning, one interrupt ...
302 -- Rico Tudor
303%
304 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
305 by Mark Isaak
306
307 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
308character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
309hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
310are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
311BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
312to him.
313 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
314he met the traveling salesman.
315 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
316in high-level language.
317 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
318and Apples," commented Jack.
319 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
320there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
321 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
322he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
323started thrashing.
324 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
325kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
326window ...
327%
328 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
329
330(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
331(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
332(3) I don't know.
333(4) Who cares?
334(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
335 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
336(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
337 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
338 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
339 Papyrus Books).
340%
341 DETERIORATA
342
343Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
344And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
345Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
346Rotate your tires.
347Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
348And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
349Know what to kiss -- and when.
350Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
351But that three do.
352Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
353Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
354And despite the changing fortunes of time,
355There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
356
357 You are a fluke of the universe ...
358 You have no right to be here.
359 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
360 Is laughing behind your back.
361 -- National Lampoon
362%
363 Double Bucky
364 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
365
366Double bucky, you're the one!
367You make my keyboard lots of fun
368 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
369(Vo-vo-de-o!)
370Control and Meta side by side,
371Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
372 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
373
374Double bucky, left and right
375OR'd together, outta sight!
376 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
377 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
378 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
379
380 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
381%
382 Gimmie That Old Time Religion
383We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
384Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
385I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
386And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
387 (chorus) (chorus)
388
389In the church of Aphrodite,
390The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
391She's a mighty righteous sightie,
392And she's good enough for me!
393 (chorus)
394
395CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
396 Give me that old time religion,
397 Give me that old time religion,
398 'Cause it's good enough for me!
399%
400 Hard Copies and Chmod
401
402And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
403cold diskdrives hardware monitors
404user-hostile software
405
406of course they're only bits and bytes
407and characters and strings
408and files
409
410just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
411telling me he loves me and
412he'll take care of me
413
414simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
415deep intimate secrets and
416how he doesn't trust me
417
418couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
419on personal stationery
420 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
421%
422 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
423Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
424margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
425will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
426
427 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
428neither has street credibility.
429 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
430on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
431city.
432 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
433into a black hole.
434 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
435ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
436 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
437 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
438up of western dualism?
439 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
440%
441 OUTCONERR
442Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
443 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
444All kludgy were the function flows
445 And subroutines adhoc.
446
447Beware the runtime-bug my friend
448 squrooneg, the false goto
449Beware the infiniteloop
450 And shun the inprectoo.
451%
452 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
4531. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
454 nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
4552. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
456 when you hit the ground.
4573. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4584. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
459 to psychological problems.
4605. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
461 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
462 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
4636. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
464 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
4657. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
4668. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
467 staggering illegally.
4689. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
469 sanitary due to limited circulation.
47010. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
471 supply on D-Day.
472%
473 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
474The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
475in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
476Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
477fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
478Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
479target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
480If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
481computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
482through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
483to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
484for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
485take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
486into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
487computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
488they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
489Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
490a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
491 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
492%
493 The Split-Atom Blues
494Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
495 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
496But if you split those atoms fine,
497 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
498Gimme zits, take my dough,
499 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
500Call the devil and sell my soul,
501 But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
502 -- Milo Bloom
503%
504 The STAR WARS Song
505 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
506
507I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
508Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
509 S-O-D-A soda
510I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
511I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
512 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
513
514Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
515A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
516 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
517Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
518How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
519 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
520%
521 The Three Major Kind of Tools
522
523* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
524 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
525 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
526 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
527
528* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
529
530* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
531 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
532 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
533 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
534 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
535%
536 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
537Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
538Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
539And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
540Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
541Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
542And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
543And we've also found Just flip one switch
544When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
545You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
546 in a flash.
547Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
548Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
549And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
550%
551 'Twas the Night before Crisis
552
553'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
554 Not a program was working not even a browse.
555The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
556 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
557The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
558 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
559When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
560 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
561And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
562 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
563More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
564 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
565On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
566 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
567His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
568 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
569A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
570 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
571%
572 What I Did During My Fall Semester
573On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
574Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
575Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
576
577On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
578Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
579Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
580
581On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
582Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
583I found a thesis topic:
584 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
585 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
586 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
587%
588 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
589
590Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
591be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
592agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
593out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
594of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
595not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
596conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
597sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
598close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
599words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
600must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
601linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
602metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
603be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
604writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
605the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
606viable alternatives.
607%
608 1/2
609 /\(3)
610 | 2 1/3
611 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
612 |
613 \/ 1
614
615The integral of z squared, dz
616From 1 to the square root of 3
617 Times the cosine
618 Of 3 PI over nine
619Is the log of the cube root of e
620%
621 THE DAILY PLANET
622
623 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
624 Plans to "Eat it later"
625%
626 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
627
628Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
629terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
630the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
631School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
632They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
633With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
634and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
635in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
636computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
637you should blame when you make a mistake.
638
639 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
640 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
641 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
642
643*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
644%
645 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
646 by Mark Twain
647
648 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
649to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
650be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
651would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
652might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
653same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
654"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
655 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
656with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
657or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
658Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
659ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
660ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
661 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
662hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
663%
664 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
665Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
666terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
667the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
668School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
669
670 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
671Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
672help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
673enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
674
675 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
676To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
677try this simple test:
678 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
679 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
680 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
681 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
682If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
683them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
684%
685 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
686
687Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
688programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
689form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
690winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
691sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
692Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
693program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
694was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
695his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
696have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
697in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
698be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
699can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
700yourself in the morning.
701%
702
703 *** System shutdown message from root ***
704
705System going down in 60 seconds
706
707
708%
709 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
710personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
711best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
712Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
713soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
714reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
715table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
716not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
717crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
718beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
719wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
720Liza Minnelli.
721 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
722%
723 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
724%
725 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
726 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
727 7
728
729A dozen, a gross and a score,
730Plus three times the square root of four,
731 Divided by seven,
732 Plus five times eleven,
733Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
734%
735 7,140 pounds on the Sun
736 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
737 255 pounds on Earth
738 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
739 43 pounds on the Moon
740 648 pounds on Jupiter
741 275 pounds on Saturn
742 303 pounds on Neptune
743 13 pounds on Pluto
744
745 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
746 in the solar system.
747%
748 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
749the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
750the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
751another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
752and forth.
753 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
754of carp-to-carp walleting."
755%
756 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
757the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
758missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
759his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
760work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
761flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
762 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
763events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
764dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
765"Have you seen my parakeet?"
766%
767 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
768a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
769foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
770have what I think is a pretty good act."
771 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
772the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
773Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
774his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
775man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
776performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
777from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
778the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
779 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
780 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
781imitations?"
782%
783 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
784long-distance caw.
785%
786 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
787his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
788the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
789 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
790toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
791%
792 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
793whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
794got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
795medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
796rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
797 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
798itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
799and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
800 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
801commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
802%
803 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
804house of seven gobbles.
805%
806 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
807buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
808the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
809boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
810the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
811the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
812they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
813 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
814farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
815frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
816in the mud.
817 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
818don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
819today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
820 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
821 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
822the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
823%
824 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
825her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
826looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
827sadly, "runneth over."
828%
829 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
830After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
831one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
832the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
833 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
834 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
835%
836 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
837island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
838could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
839were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
840the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
841the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
842downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
843charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
844men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
845Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
846blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
847only blurt out, "What happened?"
848 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
849ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
850grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
851hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
852the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
853to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
854%
855 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
856dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
857brother and inquires after his pet.
858 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
859 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
860he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
861of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
862outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
863corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
864 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
865 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
866How's Mom?"
867 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
868outside one day..."
869%
870 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
871I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
872 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
873be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
874 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
875dog's stuck in its throat."
876%
877 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
878finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
879the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
880%
881 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
882days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
883%
884 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
885 The housewife replied, "Four!".
886 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
887through my spread sheet one more time."
888 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
889hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
890%
891 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
892made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
893would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
894lawyer.
895 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
896state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
897I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
898 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
899 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
900and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
901%
902 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
903the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
904 The bartender ignores him.
905 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
906 Still ignored.
907 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
908 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
909leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
910 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
911jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
912saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
913"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
914%
915 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
916to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
917 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
918and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
919French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
920and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
921German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
922 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
923told, "that one is 150,000."
924 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
925 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
926do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
927 -- being told in Poland, 1987
928%
929 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
930Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
931wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
932 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
933pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
934disciples."
935 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
936%
937 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
938first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
939 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
940and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
941 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
942 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
943little more ... that's it."
944 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
945 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
946go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
947 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
948street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
949 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
950 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
951 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
952%
953 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
954shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
955that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
956soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
957 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
958agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
959Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
960-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
961knife!
962 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
963afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
964he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
965for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
966help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
967 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
968 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
969won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
970%
971 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
972during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
973was making a bolt for the door.
974%
975 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
976terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
977Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
978homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
979got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
980who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
981 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
982something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
983 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
984%
985 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
986"Do you serve lawyers here?".
987 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
988 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
989my 'gator."
990%
991 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
992wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
993%
994 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
995%
996 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
997program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
998promptly replied.
999 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
1000how long will it take?"
1001 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
1002to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
1003 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
1004satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
1005 The programmer agreed to this.
1006 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
1007retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
1008He had been programming all night.
1009 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1010%
1011 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
1012invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
1013manager retained his job.
1014 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
1015refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
1016concept, and thus I expect no reward."
1017 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
1018holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
1019employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
1020 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
1021so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
1022everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
1023 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1024%
1025 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
1026document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
1027it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
1028 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
1029 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
1030take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
1031 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
1032 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
1033 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
1034completed," he said.
1035 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1036%
1037 A manger went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
1038work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
1039at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
1040resigned on the spot.
1041 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
1042working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
1043programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
1044hours of the morning.
1045 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1046%
1047 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
1048noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
1049he said, "may I examine it?"
1050 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
1051"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
1052and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
1053where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
1054human."
1055 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
1056mysterious setting?"
1057 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
1058And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
1059 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1060%
1061 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
1062"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
1063said the master.
1064 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
1065 "It is," came the reply.
1066 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
1067 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
1068 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
1069 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
1070over for today," he said.
1071 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1072%
1073 A MODERN FABLE
1074
1075Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
1076far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
1077with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
1078today's minute attention span.
1079
1080 The Troubled Aardvark
1081
1082Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
1083driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
1084in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
1085unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
1086children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
1087his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
1088pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
1089personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
1090wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
1091course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
1092drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
1093
1094MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
1095 -- Tom Annau
1096%
1097 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
1098new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
1099%
1100 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
1101the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
1102pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
1103nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
1104 "If what?" asked the composer.
1105 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
1106%
1107 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
1108removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
1109doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
1110amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
1111limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
1112larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
1113power-down sequence.
1114 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
1115building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
1116bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
1117cool.
1118%
1119 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
1120documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
1121the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
1122 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
1123gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
1124crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
1125need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
1126has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
1127themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
1128entered the mystery of the Tao."
1129 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1130%
1131 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
1132sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
1133baffled. What is the reason for this?"
1134 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
1135the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
1136do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
1137simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
1138 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
1139Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
1140 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
1141novice.
1142 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
1143 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1144%
1145 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
1146much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
1147among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
1148Why is this so?"
1149 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
1150company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
1151would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
1152servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
1153of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
1154 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1155%
1156 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
1157that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
1158vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
1159'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
1160names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
1161unnatural entity exist?"
1162 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
1163disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
1164its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
1165beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
1166 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1167%
1168 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
1169package.
1170 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
1171reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
1172of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
1173but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
1174 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
1175"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
1176 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1177%
1178 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
1179power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
1180"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
1181of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
1182machine worked.
1183%
1184 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
1185in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
1186noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
1187 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
1188party. He walked out into the night.
1189 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
1190be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
1191too.
1192 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
1193to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
1194save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
1195the wolf pack.
1196 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
1197He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
1198has killed them all.
1199 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
1200went out to be killed?
1201 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1202He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1203%
1204 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
1205two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
1206I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
1207 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
1208he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
1209%
1210 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1211strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1212throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1213loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1214rigidity.
1215 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
1216law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1217way that astonishes him least.
1218 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1219program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1220appearances.
1221 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1222disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1223program.
1224 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1225%
1226 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1227conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1228of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1229unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1230clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they
1231made rude noises during my presentation."
1232 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1233Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1234an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1235Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1236with social conventions?"
1237 "They are alive within the Tao."
1238 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1239%
1240 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1241carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1242doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1243 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1244which contained twelve more loons.
1245 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1246 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1247 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1248 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1249%
1250 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1251recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1252his wellness potential."
1253
1254 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1255of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1256
1257 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1258personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1259
1260 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1261mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1262
1263 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1264of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1265only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1266of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1267unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1268touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1269experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1270pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1271sent him.
1272 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1273%
1274 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1275"This is a parson to parson call."
1276 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1277Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1278 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1279deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1280 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1281often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1282 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1283caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1284 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1285granite.
1286%
1287 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1288As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1289eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1290under the kilt?"
1291 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1292SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1293really want to know.
1294 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1295under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1296%
1297 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1298realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1299see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1300group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1301that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1302it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1303 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1304work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1305Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1306dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1307another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1308the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1309requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1310going to it is so large.
1311 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1312electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1313British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1314British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1315I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1316secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1317 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1318%
1319 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1320Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1321 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1322friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1323had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1324and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1325 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1326from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1327Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1328%
1329 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1330%
1331 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
1332to die, would you remarry?"
1333 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
1334this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
1335 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
1336 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
1337 "Well, would you live in this house?"
1338 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
1339I've always loved it here."
1340 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
1341 "No."
1342 "Why not?"
1343 "She's left handed."
1344%
1345 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1346to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1347sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1348"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1349Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1350 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1351 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1352a snake?"
1353 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1354am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1355suck the poison from the wound."
1356 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1357a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1358 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1359who my real friends are."
1360%
1361 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1362and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1363child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1364therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1365to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1366the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1367his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1368 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1369after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1370 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1371%
1372 ACHTUNG!!!
1373Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1374schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1375spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1376rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1377vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1378%
1379 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
1380Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
1381and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
1382to be created."
1383 "This is true," He replied.
1384 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
1385 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
1386right to make his laws?"
1387 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
1388make his own."
1389 It was so granted.
1390 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1391%
1392 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1393directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1394Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1395edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1396 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1397wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1398 -- DECWARS
1399%
1400 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1401 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1402would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1403favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1404camp chores.
1405 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1406 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1407discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1408children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1409Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1410ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1411 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1412Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1413interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1414a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1415cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1416 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1417 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1418 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1419realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1420 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1421 Feghoot!"
1422%
1423 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1424earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1425minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1426 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1427name for my baby."
1428 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1429of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1430 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1431name."
1432%
1433 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
1434how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
1435graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
1436These are the things I learned:
1437 Share everything.
1438 Play fair.
1439 Don't hit people.
1440 Put things back where you found them.
1441 Clean up your own mess.
1442 Don't take things that aren't yours.
1443 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
1444 Wash your hands before you eat.
1445 Flush.
1446 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
1447 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and
1448paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
1449 Take a nap every afternoon.
1450 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands,
1451and stick together.
1452 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
1453cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows
1454how or why, but we are all like that.
1455 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
1456the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we.
1457 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you
1458learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
1459 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden
1460Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality
1461and sane living.
1462 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the
1463whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
1464and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments
1465had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them
1466and to clean up their own mess.
1467 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go
1468out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
1469 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know
1470 I Learned in Kindergarten"
1471%
1472 All that you touch, And all you create,
1473 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1474 All that you taste, All that you do,
1475 All you feel, And all you say,
1476 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1477 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1478 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1479 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1480 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1481 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1482 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1483 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1484 in tune,
1485 But the sun is eclipsed
1486 By the moon.
1487
1488There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1489 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1490%
1491 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1492with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1493years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1494or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1495wife. They approve.
1496 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1497want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1498thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1499the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1500 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1501to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1502up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1503Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1504perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1505impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1506the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1507screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1508%
1509 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
1510he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
1511restraint.
1512 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
1513after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
1514time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
1515with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
1516is ready to build a second system.
1517 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
1518he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
1519other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
1520will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
1521generalizable.
1522 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
1523the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
1524The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1525 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
1526%
1527 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1528porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1529picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1530tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1531 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1532beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1533voluptuous woman.
1534 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1535for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1536stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1537 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1538 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1539faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1540handsome prince!"
1541 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1542handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1543 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1544the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1545fixed?"
1546%
1547 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1548is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1549announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1550 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1551all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1552piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1553 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1554"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1555outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1556this head and pulls the trigger.
1557 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1558again?"
1559 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1560 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1561%
1562 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1563The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1564to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1565used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1566woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1567and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1568over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1569and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1570 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1571while plunging the knife into his heart.
1572 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1573"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1574 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1575while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1576%
1577 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1578in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1579 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1580you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1581an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1582hour seems like a minute."
1583 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1584moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1585 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1586%
1587 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1588great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1589I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1590I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1591I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1592 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1593 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1594%
1595 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
1596bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
1597to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
1598upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
1599breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
1600 (skip a bit brother...)
1601 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
1602take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
1603Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
1604shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
1605that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
1606three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
1607Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
1608snuff it.
1609 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
1610%
1611 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1612asked the father of his little son.
1613 "Diet."
1614%
1615 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1616to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1617posh hotel.
1618 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1619 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1620 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1621a postcard?"
1622%
1623 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1624 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nightime."
1625 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1626 "That was the curious incident."
1627 -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1628%
1629 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1630preaching to a group of disciples.
1631 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1632the absolute reality of --"
1633 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1634 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1635vaporized.
1636 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1637with the spirit of the morning.
1638 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1639"Thou art That..."
1640 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1641 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1642and he vaporized.
1643 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1644enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1645soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1646 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1647 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1648Governor, and he vaporized.
1649 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1650his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1651%
1652 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1653for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1654am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1655you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1656friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1657 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1658for doing it."
1659 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1660%
1661 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
1662Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1663under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1664%
1665Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
1666to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
1667
1668 -- M�rten Mickos
1669%
1670 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1671 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
1672his followers.
1673 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1674there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1675 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1676commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1677Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1678 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1679Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1680 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1681 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1682 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1683%
1684 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1685and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1686boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1687look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1688 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1689teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1690the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1691 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1692Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1693what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1694clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1695get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1696You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1697 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1698pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1699 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1700%
1701 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1702the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1703still five feet between rails.
1704 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1705in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1706of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1707axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1708could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1709great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1710rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1711new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1712over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1713was possible.
1714 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1715%
1716 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1717along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1718Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1719 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1720would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1721 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1722to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1723 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1724I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1725 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1726whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1727 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1728it some other time, Carrie."
1729 She gave it up.
1730 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1731%
1732 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1733the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1734"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1735%
1736 Chapter VIII
1737Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1738Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1739like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1740%
1741 COMMENT
1742
1743Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
1744A medley of extemporanea;
1745And love is thing that can never go wrong;
1746And I am Marie of Roumania.
1747 -- Dorothy Parker
1748%
1749 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1750in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1751owls."
1752 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1753%
1754 COONDOG MEMORY
1755 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1756
1757Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1758old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1759For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1760is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1761try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1762two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1763back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1764come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1765run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1766something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1767up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1768neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1769stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1770coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1771skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1772Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1773was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1774air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1775Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1776is for sale.
1777 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1778%
1779 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1780functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1781the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1782 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1783diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1784square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1785date of purchase.
1786 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1787DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1788ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1789CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1790 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1791%
1792 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1793
1794 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1795 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1796 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1797 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1798 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1799 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1800 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1801 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1802 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1803 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1804%
1805 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
1806be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
1807%
1808 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
1809married?"
1810 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
1811I've always been especially fond of married women."
1812%
1813 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1814 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1815 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1816 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1817
1818 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1819 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1820 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1821 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1822 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1823%
1824 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1825white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1826
1827Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1828
1829p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
1830 Or is Vaseline better?
1831%
1832 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1833sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1834 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1835They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1836intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1837They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1838used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1839bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1840They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1841They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1842 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1843%
1844 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1845at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1846"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1847experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1848 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1849to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1850thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1851march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1852sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1853The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1854human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1855sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1856all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1857knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1858my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1859characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1860The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1861`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1862 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1863%
1864 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1865him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1866 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1867She's a woman who conks to stupor.
1868 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1869man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1870 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1871 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1872bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1873%
1874 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
1875were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
1876red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
1877"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
1878 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
1879shot at mine, over there."
1880%
1881 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
1882called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
1883have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
1884most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
1885time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
1886have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
1887although God alone knows why it would want to.
1888 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
1889direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
1890have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
1891direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
1892harmful electron buildup in the wires.
1893 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1894%
1895 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1896At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1897after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1898"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1899charming a wife."
1900%
1901 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1902far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1903the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1904 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1905days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1906 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1907speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
1908 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
1909and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
1910sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
1911 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
1912be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
1913than I am.
1914 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
1915that she didn't recognize me.
1916 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
1917this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
1918they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
1919 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
1920%
1921 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
1922mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
1923"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
1924how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
1925"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
1926So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
1927 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1928%
1929 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
1930humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
1931rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
1932seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
1933The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
1934 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
1935aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
1936but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
1937 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
1938message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
1939but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
1940energy policy and neither do you."
1941 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
1942%
1943 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
1944other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
1945the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
1946d'oeuvres.
1947 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
1948to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
1949Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
1950piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
1951 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
1952inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
1953other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
1954placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
1955the little hammers strike.
1956 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
1957their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
1958Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
1959
1960 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
1961you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
19624. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
1963%
1964 FIGHTING WORDS
1965
1966Say my love is easy had,
1967 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
1968Say I am too often sad --
1969 Still behold me at your side.
1970
1971Say I'm neither brave nor young,
1972 Say I woo and coddle care,
1973Say the devil touched my tongue --
1974 Still you have my heart to wear.
1975
1976But say my verses do not scan,
1977 And I get me another man!
1978 -- Dorothy Parker
1979%
1980 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
1981of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
1982
1983 "Whose?"
1984
1985 "MINE! HA-HA!"
1986%
1987 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
1988"of course you know what 'it' means."
1989
1990 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
1991said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
1992
1993The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
1994%
1995 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
1996usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
1997evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
1998such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
1999 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
2000and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
2001fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
2002 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
2003in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
2004professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
2005nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
2006 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
2007remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
2008the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
2009thoughts?"
2010 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
2011%
2012 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
2013"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
2014 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
2015stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts
2016that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
2017 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
2018time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
2019had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
2020teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
2021 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
2022his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
2023 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
2024little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
2025save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
2026%
2027 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
2028engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
2029was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
2030and sarcastic?"
2031 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
2032 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
2033%
2034 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
2035extracurricular activity except you."
2036 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
2037 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
2038
2039 -- Firesign Theater
2040%
2041 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
2042to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
2043beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
2044dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
2045apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
2046in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
2047%
2048 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
2049differences once and for all.
2050 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
2051where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
2052%
2053 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
2054 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
2055to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
2056 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
2057text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
2058 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
2059the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
2060expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
2061 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
2062perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
2063denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
2064
2065 Thank you and good luck.
2066 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
2067%
2068 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
2069
2070On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
2071Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
2072off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
2073wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
2074mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
2075tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
2076stood lookout.
2077%
2078 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
2079may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
2080Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
2081even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
2082aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
2083 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
2084for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
2085Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
2086hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
2087 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
2088bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
2089for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
2090proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
2091about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
2092 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
2093them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
2094you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
2095-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
2096Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
2097 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
2098can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
2099line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
2100to stay employed.
2101 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
2102%
2103 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
2104his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
2105verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
2106thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
2107had actually implicationed.
2108 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
2109leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
2110since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
2111 -- The Guardian
2112%
2113 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
2114are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
2115and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
2116to conquer the world.
2117 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
2118hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
2119lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
2120not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
2121for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
2122 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
2123 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2124%
2125 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
2126from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
2127 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
2128promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
2129nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
2130 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
2131you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
2132right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
2133the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
2134find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
2135the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
2136%
2137 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
2138No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
2139been worse."
2140 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
2141situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
2142hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
2143"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
2144found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
2145the gun on himself!"
2146 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
2147 "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
2148have been worse?"
2149 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
2150dead right now."
2151%
2152 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
2153until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
2154heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
2155ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
2156rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
2157felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
2158doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
2159"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
2160right now."
2161 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
2162out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
2163%
2164 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
2165does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
2166combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
2167self-propagating.
2168 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
2169%
2170 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without
2171lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light
2172without darkening me.
2173 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas.
2174%
2175 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
2176 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
2177 "Do it alone?"
2178 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
2179 "How would that help?"
2180 "Used a whip."
2181%
2182 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
2183 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
2184 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
2185 "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
2186 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
2187 "Oh, it's not dead then."
2188 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
2189goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
2190on the safe side."
2191 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
2192to a dead cat, do you?"
2193 -- Monty Python
2194%
2195 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
2196with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
2197Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
2198define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
2199court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
2200Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
2201it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
2202his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
2203enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
2204ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
2205that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
2206it because the court was going to take a nap.
2207 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
2208%
2209 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
2210willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
2211for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
2212"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
2213centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
2214trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
2215because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
2216object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
2217 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
2218broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
2219a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
2220inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
2221same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
2222an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
2223these sometime around the middle of next week".
2224 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2225%
2226 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
2227of her blonde companion.
2228 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
2229 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
2230 "Olives."
2231%
2232 "How many people work here?"
2233 "Oh, about half."
2234%
2235 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
22363.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
2237could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
2238 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
2239%
2240 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
2241social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
2242full of money before."
2243%
2244 "How'd you get that flat?"
2245 "Ran over a bottle."
2246 "Didn't you see it?"
2247 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
2248%
2249 Hug O' War
2250
2251I will not play at tug o' war.
2252I'd rather play at hug o' war,
2253Where everyone hugs
2254Instead of tugs,
2255Where everyone giggles
2256And rolls on the rug,
2257Where everyone kisses,
2258And everyone grins,
2259And everyone cuddles,
2260And everyone wins.
2261 -- Shel Silverstein
2262%
2263 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
2264misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
2265the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
2266see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
2267background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
2268uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
2269cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
2270remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
2271line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
2272The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
2273 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
2274%
2275 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
2276the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
2277 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
2278 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
2279%
2280 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
2281quavering voice.
2282 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
2283course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
2284I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
2285Elven-lore:
2286
2287 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
2288 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
2289 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
2290 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
2291 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
2292 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
2293 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
2294 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
2295 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2296%
2297 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
2298the sky blue?"
2299 HE asked me about black holes in space.
2300 (There's a hole *where*?)
2301
2302 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
2303 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
2304 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
2305
2306 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
2307 HE talked internal combustion engines.
2308 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
2309
2310 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
2311as equals.
2312 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
2313the graphics.
2314
2315 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
2316 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
2317 (Gotcha!)
2318 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
2319%
2320 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
2321use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
2322violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
2323is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
2324of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
2325each other up:
2326 You: Hello? Bob?
2327 Bob: Yes?
2328 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2329 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2330 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2331 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2332 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2333 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2334 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2335 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2336 have to get back to you.
2337 Bob: Fine.
2338 -- Dave Barry
2339%
2340 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
2341 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2342till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
2343you!'"
2344 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
2345objected.
2346 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2347tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
2348less."
2349 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2350so many different things."
2351 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
2352that's all."
2353 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
2354%
2355 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
2356accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
2357the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
2358can't be measured in monetary terms.
2359 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
2360have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
2361by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
2362should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
2363understand his long delay.
2364%
2365 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2366I think very probably he might be cured."
2367 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2368 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2369 The elders murmured assent.
2370 "Now, what affects it?"
2371 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2372 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2373things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2374depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2375as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2376his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2377irritation and distraction."
2378 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2379 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2380to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2381operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2382 "And then he will be sane?"
2383 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2384 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2385 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2386%
2387 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2388of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2389of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2390as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2391"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2392at present".
2393 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2394myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2395immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2396observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2397but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2398 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2399conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2400proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2401I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2402prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2403happened to be in the right.
2404 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2405%
2406 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2407me to cry.
2408 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2409to weep."
2410 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2411back; I would be nice."
2412 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2413 "Oh, not enough."
2414 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2415 "Not ever?"
2416 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2417 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2418 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2419valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2420 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2421%
2422 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2423asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2424That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2425over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2426arrests.
2427 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2428 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2429these complaints represent?"
2430 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2431 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2432closing the book.
2433 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2434%
2435 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2436including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2437as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2438 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2439of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2440and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2441My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2442when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2443into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2444pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2445into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2446explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2447time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2448deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2449%
2450 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
2451that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
2452more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
2453might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
2454otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
2455otherwise.'"
2456 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
2457%
2458 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
2459"What'll you have, Bud"?
2460 I said," I don't know, surprise me".
2461 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
2462 -- Rodney Dangerfield
2463%
2464 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
2465 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2466that is also a psychological interaction.
2467 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2468so friendly.
2469 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2470 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2471%
2472 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2473operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2474is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2475the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2476 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2477to the assembler.
2478 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2479languages.
2480 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2481expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2482the tao.
2483 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2484%
2485 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2486everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2487we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2488 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2489 -- Sparky Anderson
2490%
2491 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2492brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2493up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2494repeat the sequence.
2495 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2496hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2497again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2498your own apartment?
2499 -- William S. Burroughs
2500%
2501 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
2502around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
2503explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
2504"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
2505deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
2506better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
2507with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
2508you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
2509successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
2510 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
2511You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
2512difficult can it be?"
2513 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
2514which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
2515other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
2516yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
2517 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2518%
2519 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2520means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2521somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2522 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2523them, or something?"
2524 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2525lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2526not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2527 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2528 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2529you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2530it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2531would destroy the whole point of it."
2532 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2533%
2534 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2535young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2536I'm on my way."
2537 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2538%
2539 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2540right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2541library and I'm half way through the second cabnet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2542should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2543was by the time I find it.
2544 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2545"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2546that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2547pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2548blank."
2549 -- Alex Crain
2550%
2551 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2552Junior, what are you up to?"
2553 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2554rabbit.
2555 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2556will publish such rubbish!"
2557 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
2558 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
2559rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
2560wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
2561 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
2562wolves."
2563 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
2564 "Come with me and I'll show you."
2565 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
2566and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
2567and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
2568lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
2569remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2570
2571 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
2572important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2573%
2574 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2575his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2576kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2577was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2578Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2579Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2580of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2581and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2582out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2583to product."
2584 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
258510 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2586lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2587pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2588been an efficiency expert?
2589 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2590%
2591 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2592mud."
2593 And there was mud.
2594 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2595can see what we have done."
2596 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2597man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2598 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2599 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2600 "Certainly," said man.
2601 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2602 And He went away.
2603 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
2604%
2605 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2606null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2607IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2608be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2609carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2610the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2611evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2612 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2613%
2614 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2615the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2616large numbers and prospered.
2617 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2618as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2619was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2620until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2621 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2622structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2623out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2624they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not
2625understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2626amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2627Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2628 -- The Story of Babel
2629%
2630 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2631Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2632
2633 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2634time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2635have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2636 How could it be otherwise?
2637 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2638%
2639 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2640sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2641 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2642 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2643 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2644 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2645 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2646you close your eyes?"
2647 "So that the room will be empty."
2648 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2649%
2650 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2651changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2652bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2653This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull
2654making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2655the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2656 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2657it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2658its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2659does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2660 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2661%
2662 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
2663 In the evening, floating in the soup.
2664(chorus):
2665Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
2666Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
2667 You can ask them anything you want to.
2668 They won't answer; they can't talk.
2669(chorus):
2670 I took a fish head out to see a movie,
2671 Didn't have to pay to get it in.
2672(chorus):
2673 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
2674 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
2675(chorus):
2676 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
2677 Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
2678(chorus):
2679 Fishy!
2680(chorus):
2681 -- Fish Heads
2682%
2683 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2684to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2685like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2686baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2687Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2688achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2689right any day."
2690 "And are you?"
2691 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2692 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2693life-style otherwise."
2694 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2695%
2696 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
2697announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
2698today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
2699a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
2700in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
2701around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
2702those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
2703 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
2704citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
2705these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
2706than a citizen bless their country?"
2707%
2708 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
2709what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
2710may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
2711not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
2712benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
2713I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
2714in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
2715capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
2716not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
2717receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
2718which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
2719 Amen.
2720 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
2721%
2722 INVENTORY
2723Four be the things I am wiser to know:
2724Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
2725
2726Four be the things I'd been better without:
2727Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
2728
2729Three be the things I shall never attain:
2730Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
2731
2732Three be the things I shall have till I die:
2733Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
2734%
2735 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2736directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2737During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2738Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2739enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2740sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2741custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2742freedom and games to the network...
2743 -- DECWARS
2744%
2745 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2746by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2747the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2748case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2749which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2750like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2751require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2752 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2753%
2754 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2755not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2756because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2757human beings.
2758 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2759there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2760duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2761of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2762you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2763and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2764 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2765to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2766response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2767 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2768have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2769different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2770person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2771remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2772religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2773 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2774%
2775 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2776for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2777change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2778ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2779after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2780starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2781a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2782his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2783he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2784passengers.
2785 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2786a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2787parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2788to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2789As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2790the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2791"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2792%
2793 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2794balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2795turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2796need to find out where we are."
2797 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2798cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2799standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2800where we are?"
2801 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2802fifty feet in the air!"
2803 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2804 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2805 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2806useless!"
2807
2808That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2809George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2810New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2811%
2812 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2813everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2814was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2815cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2816 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2817really needed in the first place.
2818 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2819analogous to the above.
2820 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2821%
2822 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2823laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2824thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2825nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2826for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2827 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2828under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2829icepacks.
2830 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2831%
2832 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2833been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2834 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2835when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2836Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2837it always me, teacher?"
2838 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2839explains.
2840
2841 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2842%
2843 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
2844her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
2845the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
2846way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
2847begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
2848stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
2849 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
2850the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
2851mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
2852wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
2853 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
2854can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
2855 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
2856the dining room skylight."
2857%
2858 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
2859lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
2860getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
2861the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
2862sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
2863you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
2864What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
2865of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
2866the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
2867They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
2868applications for.
2869 -- Dave Barry
2870%
2871 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2872tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2873and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2874outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2875caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2876day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2877 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2878What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2879start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2880Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2881class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2882movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2883police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2884home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2885now. They're in a band.
2886 -- Ira Kaplan
2887%
2888 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2889Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2890 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2891dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2892dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2893away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2894the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2895other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2896out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2897back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2898forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
2899 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2900%
2901 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
2902character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
2903hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
2904are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
2905BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
2906to him.
2907 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
2908he met the traveling salesman.
2909 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
2910in high-level language.
2911 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
2912and Apples," commented Jack.
2913 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
2914there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
2915 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
2916he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
2917started thrashing.
2918 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
2919kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
2920window...
2921 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
2922%
2923 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
2924into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
2925galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
2926 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
2927eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
2928rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
2929the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
2930 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
2931guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
2932the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
2933smacked his lips with relish.
2934 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
2935 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
2936a-comin'."
2937%
2938 Love's Drug
2939
2940My love is like an iron wand
2941 That conks me on the head,
2942My love is like the valium
2943 That I take before my bed,
2944My love is like the pint of scotch
2945 That I drink when I be dry;
2946And I shall love thee still, my dear,
2947 Until my wife is wise.
2948%
2949 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
2950Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
2951%
2952 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all
2953the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
2954 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
2955 -- Spike Milligan
2956%
2957 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
2958approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
2959 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
2960to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
2961All I have in the world is this gun."
2962%
2963 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
2964Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
2965company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
2966defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
2967 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
2968plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
2969cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
2970 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
2971%
2972 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
2973Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
2974pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
2975military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
2976Esther and hustle them off to prison.
2977 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
2978passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
2979and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
2980movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
2981charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
2982 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
2983they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
2984if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
2985her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
2986possible, and turns to Murray.
2987 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
2988spits in the sergeants face.
2989 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
2990 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2991%
2992 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as
2993Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
2994We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
2995Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
29966:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
29976:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
2998was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
2999and Knights of Pithiests.
3000 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
3001annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
3002which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
3003weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
3004 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
3005pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
3006word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
3007imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
3008looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
3009 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
3010So we're going back in a few years...
3011 -- Julius H. Marx
3012%
3013 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
3014even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
3015understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
3016robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
3017an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
3018the alter of human limitations.
3019 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
3020in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
3021the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
3022threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
3023stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
3024earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
3025Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
3026earth really does revolve about the sun.
3027 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
3028%
3029 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
3030a girl should not do before twenty."
3031 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
3032audience, either."
3033%
3034 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
3035you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
3036oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
3037cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
3038 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
3039the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
3040repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
3041in the others.
3042 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
3043of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
3044it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
3045 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
3046therapy ask if people have had therapy.
3047 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
3048Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
3049 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
3050%
3051 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
3052directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
3053Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
3054offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
3055true value of the company.
3056 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
3057Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
3058agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
3059their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
3060reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
3061reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
3062Nazareth.
3063%
3064 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
3065simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
3066hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
3067really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
3068expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
3069those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
3070can't."
3071 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
3072 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
3073%
3074 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
3075 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
3076 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
3077"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
3078born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
3079program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
3080stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
3081a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
3082times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
3083*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
3084program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
3085the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
3086stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
3087hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
3088"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
3089%
3090 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
3091tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
3092 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
3093plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
3094they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
3095Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
3096administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
3097you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
3098described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
3099interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
3100that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
3101 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
3102inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
3103so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
3104if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
3105direct sunlight.
3106 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3107%
3108 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
3109to be avoided than harped upon.
3110 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
3111reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
3112just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
3113about helping to postpone this reunion.
3114 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
3115%
3116 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
3117of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
3118urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
3119put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
3120confirm who I am.
3121 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
3122 -- Captain Freedom
3123%
3124 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
3125demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
3126testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
3127and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
3128no attention to the signal.
3129 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
3130complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
3131"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
3132 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
3133lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
3134%
3135 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
3136receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
3137income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
3138$283 on the desk before the cashier.
3139 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
3140route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
3141 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
3142business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
3143worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
3144%
3145 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
3146around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
3147grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
3148almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
3149found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
3150desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
3151staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
3152Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
3153sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
3154being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
3155 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
3156wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
3157 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
3158dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
3159normal person?"
3160%
3161 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
3162to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
3163There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
3164alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
3165dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
3166saying."
3167 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
3168the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
3169to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
3170singing."
3171 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
3172 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
3173%
3174 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
3175There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
3176is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
3177non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
3178several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
3179best, write it down and make that the standard.
3180 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
3181from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
3182committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
3183with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
3184something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
3185 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
3186then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
3187it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
3188after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
3189committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
3190it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
3191 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
3192%
3193 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
3194tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
3195they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
3196it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
3197at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
3198heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
3199"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
3200 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
3201she looked like the side of a barn.
3202 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
3203had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
3204and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
3205when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
3206to decide quickly. I decided.
3207 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
3208man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after
3209faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
3210me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
3211good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
3212the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
3213a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
3214 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
3215%
3216 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
3217special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
3218traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
3219traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
3220see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
3221spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
3222week, until it led them to a parking space.
3223 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
3224let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
3225will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
3226great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
3227our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
3228to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
3229which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
3230shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
3231go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
3232and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
3233 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
3234 Skirmish"
3235%
3236 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
3237crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
3238and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
3239resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
3240said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
3241let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
3242 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
3243you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
3244die quicker than boredom!"
3245 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
3246once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
3247as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
3248bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3249 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
3250a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
3251to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
3252Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
3253Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
3254 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
3255rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3256 -- Richard Bach
3257%
3258 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
3259time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
3260in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
3261dolphins live forever!
3262 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
3263produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
3264only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
3265away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
3266steal one of these birds.
3267 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
3268escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
3269combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
3270on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
3271 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
3272bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
3273stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
3274car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
3275transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
3276%
3277 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
3278through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
3279on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
3280frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
3281I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
3282a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
3283 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
3284help you break such a spell."
3285 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
3286taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
3287the night under her pillow."
3288 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
3289pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
3290enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
3291royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
3292her father and mother still don't believe her story.
3293%
3294 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
3295One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
3296biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
3297until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
3298of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
3299with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
3300accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
3301snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
3302"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
3303simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
3304fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
3305 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
3306boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
3307plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
3308heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
3309went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
3310his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
3311was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
3312the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
3313he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
3314his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
3315%
3316 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
3317to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
3318and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
3319like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
3320is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
3321is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
3322And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
3323a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
3324perception of the elephant.
3325 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
3326attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
3327bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
3328goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
3329them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
3330%
3331 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
3332in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3333who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3334and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3335win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3336way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3337each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3338not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3339in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3340they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3341treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3342thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3343answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3344%
3345 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3346of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3347complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3348obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3349 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3350available to anyone.
3351 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3352%
3353 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3354a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3355to each cons."
3356 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3357student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3358collector..."
3359%
3360 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3361an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3362went to speak with him.
3363 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3364students inquired.
3365 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3366 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3367 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3368%
3369 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3370he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3371I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3372things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3373them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3374so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3375you."
3376 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3377Kelly?"
3378 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3379saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3380lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3381 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3382%
3383 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3384and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3385people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3386stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3387wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3388"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3389 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3390meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3391happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3392again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3393one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3394losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3395could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3396and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3397what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3398 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3399and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3400passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3401 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3402bus pass."
3403%
3404 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3405directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3406 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3407 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3408 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3409 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3410message.....
3411 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3412 Back came the reply...
3413 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3414 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3415"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3416 Back came the reply...
3417 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3418 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3419%
3420 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3421is our support for UNIX?
3422 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3423Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3424VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3425easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3426users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3427And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3428good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3429 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3430out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3431up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3432 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3433check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3434what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3435you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3436is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3437 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3438[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3439Olsen's brain. Ed.]
3440%
3441 page 46
3442...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3443Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3444to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3445on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3446"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3447on placebo."
3448 page 56
3449The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3450Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3451affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3452which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3453diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3454to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3455be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3456body functions.
3457 -- Norman Cousins,
3458 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3459%
3460 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3461town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3462 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3463stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3464Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3465a Tory!"
3466 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3467loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3468husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3469 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3470Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3471never reveal our sauce."
3472 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3473kept favoring curry.
3474 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3475game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3476%
3477 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3478these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3479persuasion.
3480 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3481misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3482swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3483respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3484enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3485the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3486 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3487version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3488"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3489able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3490call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3491youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3492%
3493 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3494sounding a bit worried.
3495 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3496is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3497 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3498said quickly.
3499 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3500Cobb said, hopping out.
3501 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3502%
3503 Phases of a Project:
3504(1) Exultation.
3505(2) Disenchantment.
3506(3) Confusion.
3507(4) Search for the Guilty.
3508(5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3509(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3510%
3511 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt
3512snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one
3513reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives.
3514We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were.
3515But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours.
3516If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator,
3517well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment,
3518everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't
3519know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_.
3520 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In"
3521%
3522 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
3523requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
3524into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
3525problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
3526radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
3527plumbing works.
3528 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
3529except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
3530it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
3531and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
3532all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
3533kill you.
3534 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3535%
3536 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3537the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3538ran like a gentle wind.
3539 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3540 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3541follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3542would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3543longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3544My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3545free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3546writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3547coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3548and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3549program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3550eyes for a moment and then log off."
3551 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3552 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3553%
3554 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
3555Candy
3556Is dandy
3557But liquor
3558Is quicker.
3559 -- Ogden Nash
3560%
3561 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
3562universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
3563know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
3564spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
3565starfield surrounding the ship.
3566 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
3567ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
3568they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
3569been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
3570and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
3571Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
3572 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
3573%
3574 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3575Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3576and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3577every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3578getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3579me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3580 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3581to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3582No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3583maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3584the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3585whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3586possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3587 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
3588%
3589 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3590what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3591somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3592 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3593 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3594if they don't live our way."
3595...
3596 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3597happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3598ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3599Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3600his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3601decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3602through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3603in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3604 "When you look at it that way..."
3605 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3606Whatever. We want. To do."
3607 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3608%
3609 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3610uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3611rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3612algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3613of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3614claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3615differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3616largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3617he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3618well.
3619 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
3620%
3621 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3622their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3623generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3624
3625 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3626Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3627shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3628 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3629advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3630 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3631 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3632 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3633%
3634 SAFETY
3635I can live without
3636Someone I love
3637But not without
3638Someone I need.
3639%
3640 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3641"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3642them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3643 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3644Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3645That way you'll get it out of your system."
3646 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3647inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3648time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3649several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3650yelled at him:
3651 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3652Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3653barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3654Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3655at his head!"
3656 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3657prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3658here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3659psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3660 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3661hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3662%
3663 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3664afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3665the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3666long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3667removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3668Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3669Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3670nice gesture you made today, George.
3671 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3672 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3673respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3674 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3675know."
3676%
3677 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
3678"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
3679said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3680 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3681 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3682 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3683she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3684 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3685proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3686 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
3687%
3688 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3689 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3690Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3691the odd integers are prime."
3692 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3693sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3694experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3695prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3696is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3697 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3698"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3699see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3700well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3701does seem right."
3702 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3703"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3704I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3705his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3706"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3707%
3708 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3709 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3710 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3711paper boots."
3712 "What's he wanted for?"
3713 "Rustling."
3714%
3715 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
3716Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
3717automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
3718in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
3719He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
3720published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
3721had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
3722provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
3723Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
3724every copy.
3725%
3726 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
3727a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
3728the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
3729lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
3730and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
3731when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
3732sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
3733right straight toward us.
3734 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
3735were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
3736We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
3737a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
3738calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
3739a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
3740the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
3741had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
3742and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
3743until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3744 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3745%
3746 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3747haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3748A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3749the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3750stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3751may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3752Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3753theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3754butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3755disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3756per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3757when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3758the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3759People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3760much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3761Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3762by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3763 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3764 This is the Minneapple.
3765%
3766 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3767alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3768the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3769Tao of Programming.
3770 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3771operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3772greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3773harmony in the world.
3774 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3775morning.
3776 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3777%
3778 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3779on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3780Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3781employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3782farmers in America."
3783 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3784%
3785 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
3786Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
3787intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
3788women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
3789good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
3790Machineries of Joy?"
3791 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
3792 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
3793%
3794 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3795 Half 1/2 bottle
3796 Bottle 750 milliliters
3797 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3798 Jeroboam 4 bottles
3799 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3800 Methuselah 8 bottles
3801 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3802 Balthazar 16 bottles
3803 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3804 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3805
3806 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3807largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3808to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3809 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3810%
3811 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3812these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3813
3814 "What is your name?"
3815 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3816 "What is your quest?"
3817 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3818 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3819to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3820 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3821%
3822 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3823Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3824never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3825and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3826run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
3827Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
3828strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
3829were doing was right, that we were winning...
3830 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
3831over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
3832need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
3833-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
3834of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
3835up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
3836you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
3837broke and rolled back.
3838 -- Hunter S. Thompson
3839%
3840 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
3841to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
3842beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
3843drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
3844nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
3845and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
3846was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
3847improve ...
3848 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
3849%
3850 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
3851sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
3852 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
3853 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
3854she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3855 "So?"
3856 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3857%
3858 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
3859they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
3860 -- e.e. cummings last service call
3861%
3862 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
3863and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
3864You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
3865night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
3866you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
3867honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
3868it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
3869the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
3870tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
3871is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
3872 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
3873%
3874 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
3875say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
3876primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
3877and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
3878saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
3879you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
3880time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
3881Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
3882 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
3883publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
3884naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
3885naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
3886article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
3887Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
3888others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
3889Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
3890 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
3891%
3892 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
3893for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
3894 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
3895has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
3896curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
3897foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
3898sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
3899dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
3900people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
3901is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
3902%
3903 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
3904in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
3905laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
3906got a sense of humor?"
3907 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
3908%
3909 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
3910"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
3911in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
3912 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
3913but not much good in a fight."
3914%
3915 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
3916a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
3917his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
3918 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
3919please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
3920sees nothing but goyim..."
3921 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
3922you got problems. What about my son?"
3923%
3924 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
3925physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
3926"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
3927from women."
3928 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
3929second best?"
3930%
3931 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3932
3933SPECIES: Cranial Males
3934SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3935Courtship & Mating:
3936 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
3937 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
3938 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
3939 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
3940 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
3941Track:
3942 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
3943 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
3944Comments:
3945 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
3946%
3947 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3948
3949SPECIES: Cranial Males
3950SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3951Description:
3952 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
3953 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
3954 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
3955 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
3956 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
3957Feathering:
3958 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
3959 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
3960Song:
3961 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
3962%
3963 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3964
3965SPECIES: Cranial Males
3966SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3967Plumage:
3968 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
3969 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
3970 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
3971 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
3972 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
3973 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
3974 plastic digital watch with calculator.
3975%
3976 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
3977As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
3978 "What happened?"
3979 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
3980-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
3981%
3982 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
3983innerworkings of the U.S. Air Force.
3984 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
3985 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
3986he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
3987Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
3988a cup."
3989 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
3990 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
3991 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
3992chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
3993mix-up. Nothing serious."
3994 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
3995mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
3996coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
3997 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
3998%
3999 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
4000the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
4001Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
4002End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
4003%
4004 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
4005
4006On the good ship Enterprise
4007Every week there's a new surprise
4008Where the Romulans lurk
4009And the Klingons often go berserk.
4010
4011Yes, the good ship Enterprise
4012There's excitement anywhere it flies
4013Where Tribbles play
4014And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
4015
4016 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
4017 Mr. Spock is at his side.
4018 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
4019 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
4020
4021It's the good ship Enterprise
4022Heading out where danger lies
4023And you live in dread
4024If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
4025 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
4026%
4027 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4028the subject of towels.
4029 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
4030some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
4031with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
4032toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
4033the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
4034a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
4035hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
4036win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
4037reckoned with.
4038 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4039%
4040 The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4041the subject of towels.
4042 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
4043interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
4044You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
4045of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
4046of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
4047Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
4048with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
4049 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4050%
4051 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
4052After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
4053branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
4054wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
4055 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
4056horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
4057Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
4058"That's two," he said.
4059 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
4060crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
4061off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
4062shot the horse between the eyes.
4063 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
4064married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
4065 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
4066%
4067 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
4068
4069Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
4070DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
4071language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
4072and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
4073spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
4074ours."
4075
4076The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
4077almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
4078organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
4079exist.
4080%
4081 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
4082From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
4083VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
4084
4085Here is a sample program:
4086 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
4087 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
4088 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
4089 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
4090 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
4091 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
4092 SURE
4093 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
4094 REALLY
4095 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
4096 IM*SURE
4097 GOTO THE MALL
4098
4099When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
4100
4101 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
4102%
4103 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
4104
4105This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
4106Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
4107the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
4108
4109The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
4110while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
4111because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
4112Perrier.
4113
4114Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
4115and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
4116case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
4117message:
4118 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
4119 you find the time to try it again?"
4120%
4121 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
4122a position of negative need.
4123 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
4124 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
4125liquid.
4126 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
4127 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
4128prestige of His identity.
4129 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
4130ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
4131sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
4132 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
4133into a pleasurific mood state.
4134 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
4135in the context of non-cooperative elements.
4136 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
4137 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
4138 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
4139empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
4140target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
4141tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
4142time basis.
4143%
4144 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
4145master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
4146master's office while the master waited in silence.
4147 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
4148began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
4149system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
4150interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
4151Is it not amazing?"
4152 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
4153said.
4154 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
4155everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
4156to this?"
4157 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
4158data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
4159pleased.
4160 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
4161programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
4162you know where it might be?"
4163 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
4164in the data center."
4165 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4166%
4167 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
4168emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
4169have a quarter?"
4170 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
4171 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
4172right! Can I have a dollar?"
4173%
4174 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
4175change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
4176is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
4177 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4178%
4179 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
4180students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
4181ation.
4182 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
4183recognition of the sanctity of human life."
4184
4185 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
41861987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
4187"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
4188farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
4189
4190 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
4191Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
4192probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
4193
4194 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
4195logically experienced citizens."
4196
4197 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
4198just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
4199 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
4200%
4201 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
4202 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
4203feel interested.
4204 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
4205vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
4206Aged Man.'"
4207 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
4208Alice corrected herself.
4209 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
4210called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
4211 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
4212time completely bewildered.
4213 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
4214"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
4215 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
4216%
4217 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
4218You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
4219old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
4220grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
4221bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
4222 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
4223%
4224 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
4225Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
4226large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
4227it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
4228apparatus for a spectator sport.
4229
4230 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
4231castrating pigs during Sunday service.
4232 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4233%
4234 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
4235I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
4236 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
4237Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
4238out on the water, round. Usurper.
4239 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
4240%
4241 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
4242get results.
4243 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
4244problems in order to get results
4245 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
4246toy problems in order to get results.
4247%
4248 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
4249their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
4250 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
4251battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
4252blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
4253 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
4254 The answer exists only in the Tao.
4255 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4256%
4257 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
4258forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
4259their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
4260to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
4261 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
4262on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
4263got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
4264hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
4265most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
4266 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
4267 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
4268suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
4269through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
4270and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
4271one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
4272%
4273 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
4274to the assembler.
4275 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
4276languages.
4277 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
4278expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
4279the Tao.
4280 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
4281 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4282%
4283 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
4284 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
4285
4286A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
4287should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
4288take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
4289of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
4290statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
4291of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
4292only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
4293
4294 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
4295 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
4296 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
4297 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
4298
4299 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
4300%
4301 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
4302programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
4303is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
4304would be no Tao.
4305 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
4306retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
4307still has bugs.
4308 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4309%
4310 THE WOMBAT
4311
4312The wombat lives across the seas,
4313Among the far Antipodes.
4314He may exist on nuts and berries,
4315Or then again, on missionaries;
4316His distant habitat precludes
4317Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
4318But I would not engage the wombat
4319In any form of mortal combat.
4320%
4321 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
4322stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
4323his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
4324to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
4325wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
4326Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
4327of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
4328line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
4329he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
4330was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
4331he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
4332to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
4333for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
4334As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
4335Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
4336Dave!"
4337%
4338 Them Toad Suckers
4339
4340How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
4341Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
4342
4343Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
4344Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
4345
4346Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
4347Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
4348
4349Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
4350Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
4351
4352How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
4353Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
4354 -- Mason Williams
4355%
4356 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
4357it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
4358the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
4359With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
4360make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
4361when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
4362him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
4363with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
4364THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
4365TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
4366has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
4367Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
4368 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
4369%
4370 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
4371with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
4372sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
4373his real problems.
4374 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
4375problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
4376headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
4377gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
4378 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
4379stand to live with.
4380 -- R. Geis
4381%
4382 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
4383wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
4384hard, to keep from falling.
4385 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
4386his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
4387...
4388 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
4389are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
4390heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
4391 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
4392%
4393 THEORY
4394Into love and out again,
4395 Thus I went and thus I go.
4396Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
4397 Well and bitterly I know
4398All the songs were ever sung,
4399 All the words were ever said;
4400Could it be, when I was young,
4401 Someone dropped me on my head?
4402 -- Dorothy Parker
4403%
4404 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4405someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4406Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4407Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4408every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4409this?
4410 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4411centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
4412can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4413forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4414-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4415even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4416why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4417 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4418%
4419 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are
4420sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts
4421that people cannot think.
4422 -- Richard W. Hamming
4423%
4424 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4425he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4426 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4427forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4428 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4429of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4430But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4431 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4432but nothing was to be found.
4433 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4434guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4435better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4436 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4437curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4438in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4439 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4440 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4441%
4442 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4443A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4444programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4445master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4446appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4447understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4448 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4449%
4450 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4451day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4452of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4453change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4454whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4455%
4456 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4457going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4458a man who answered one door.
4459 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4460 "Forty dollars."
4461 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4462 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4463"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4464"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4465%
4466 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4467you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4468 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4469 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4470they're carrying upstairs!"
4471%
4472 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
4473three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4474each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4475can opener.
4476 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4477cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4478pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4479and escaped.
4480 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4481off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4482pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4483 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4484solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly
4485against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4486 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4487 Proof: assume the opposite...
4488%
4489 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4490warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4491an accounting package or an operating system?"
4492 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4493 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4494accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4495system," he said.
4496 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4497the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4498how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4499tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4500appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4501simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4502is easier to design."
4503 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4504he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4505 The programmer made no reply.
4506 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4507%
4508 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4509how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4510"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4511share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4512easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4513 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4514friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4515midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4516of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4517as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4518like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4519 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4520two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4521 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4522%
4523 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4524drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4525pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4526demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4527sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4528 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4529No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4530ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae
4531was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4532beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4533things was itself the doing of them.
4534 To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4535so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4536greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4537and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4538sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4539of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4540spread only for demons or for gods."
4541 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4542%
4543 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4544parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4545being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4546 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4547Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4548whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4549 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4550about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4551country. We're completely computerized.
4552 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4553leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4554real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4555country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4556look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4557yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4558I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4559 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4560He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4561 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4562we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4563your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4564 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4565%
4566 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4567explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4568use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4569and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4570 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4571pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
4572we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4573making anything out of all the hard work.
4574 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4575around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4576attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4577locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4578 -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
4579%
4580 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
4581rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
4582than he does.
4583 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
4584it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
4585sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
4586consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
4587being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
4588 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
4589do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
4590honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
4591be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
4592relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
4593Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
4594This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
4595 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4596 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
4597 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4598%
4599 To A Quick Young Fox
4600Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4601Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4602Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
4603Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4604 -- Lazy Dog
4605%
4606 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4607wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4608 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4609food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4610promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4611eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4612Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4613pint of ice cream nearby.
4614 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4615%
4616 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4617 One saw mud--
4618 The other saw stars.
4619
4620Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4621While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4622in the head.
4623%
4624 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4625ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4626"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4627 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4628seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4629sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4630 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4631an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4632bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4633son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4634 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4635and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4636was Carmen or Cohen.
4637 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4638since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4639orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4640%
4641 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
4642strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
4643crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
4644There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
4645a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
4646salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
4647square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
4648soggy potato chips."
4649 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4650 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
4651"but I thought it made good copy."
4652 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4653%
4654 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4655Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4656up to 340."
4657
4658 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4659stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4660to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4661
4662 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4663finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4664are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4665work."
4666 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4667%
4668 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4669
4670Firings will continue until morale improves.
4671%
4672 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4673think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4674doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4675messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4676disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4677by law, up to and including nothing.
4678 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4679packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4680 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4681lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4682attack shark at which point we relented.
4683 -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4684%
4685 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4686and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4687trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4688in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4689predatory.
4690 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4691at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4692Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4693 -- William Burroughs
4694%
4695 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4696you are so tired.
4697 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4698 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
469960 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4700years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4701 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
470219 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4703leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4704and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4705hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4706 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4707so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4708brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4709%
4710 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4711you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4712psycho-prompter couch?"
4713 "Thank you, Red."
4714 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4715your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4716pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4717 "Yes, Red."
4718 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4719repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4720at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4721your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4722two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4723projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4724 "Yes, Red."
4725 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4726been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4727explain the failure of your three marriages."
4728 "Well, I--"
4729 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4730product."
4731 -- Jules Feiffer
4732%
4733 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4734of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4735 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4736only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4737able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4738undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4739inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4740All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4741became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4742not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4743meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4744all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4745all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4746destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4747 Time passed, unheeded.
4748 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4749Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4750 -- Wayfarer
4751%
4752 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4753blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4754blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4755scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4756ripped off..."
4757 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4758let him lie there all night."
4759 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4760White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4761and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4762that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
4763 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4764and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4765around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4766in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4767 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4768 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4769 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4770 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4771 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4772%
4773 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4774The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4775maim or kill innocent little children."
4776 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4777 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
4778 -- The Killing Joke
4779%
4780 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
4781as follows."
4782 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
4783an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
4784 "It means the Thing to Do."
4785 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
4786%
4787 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
4788great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so
4789good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
4790MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4791 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
4792is mightier than you."
4793 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
4794"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4795 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
4796stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
4797 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
4798quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
4799THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
4800 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
4801him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
4802orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The
4803tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you
4804don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer."
4805%
4806 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
4807had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
4808Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
4809 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
4810
4811The New Yorker's comment:
4812 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
4813%
4814 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
4815 "Oh, is he very old then?"
4816 "No, we just don't like him."
4817 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
4818 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
4819great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
4820you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
4821above the beak."
4822 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
4823 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
4824pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
4825of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
4826 -- Monty Python
4827%
4828 "We've got a problem, HAL".
4829 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
4830 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
4831way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
4832 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
4833advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
4834 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
4835they're not selling."
4836 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
4837 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
4838[...]
4839 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
4840I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
4841 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
4842 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
4843 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
4844 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
4845%
4846 "What are you doing?"
4847 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
4848that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation
4849period."
4850%
4851 "What are you watching?"
4852 "I don't know."
4853 "Well, what's happening?"
4854 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
4855terrible."
4856 "Why are you watching it?"
4857 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
4858flow over you."
4859 -- The Big Chill
4860%
4861 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
4862fantasies?"
4863 "You keep it to yourself."
4864 -- Broadcast News
4865%
4866 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
4867asked her mother.
4868 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
4869%
4870 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
4871chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
4872conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
4873repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
4874they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
4875passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
4876all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
4877and they remain permanent influences on your life.
4878 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
4879as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
4880less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
4881men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
4882more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
4883 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
4884%
4885 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
4886didn't believe in God".
4887 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
4888God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
4889not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
4890 -- Joseph Heller
4891%
4892 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
4893 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
4894ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
4895 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
4896%
4897 "What's that thing?"
4898 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
4899computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
4900it does. We call it a two-by-four."
4901 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
4902%
4903 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
4904his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
4905questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
4906political views.
4907 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
4908driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
4909'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
4910closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
4911 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
4912moved farther to the left."
4913 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4914%
4915 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
4916When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
4917to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
4918roll in.
4919 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
4920 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
4921accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
4922When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
4923be solved.
4924 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
4925 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4926%
4927 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
4928"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
4929the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
4930 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
4931might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
4932%
4933 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
4934that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
4935hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
4936to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
4937but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
4938seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
4939invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
4940sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
4941 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
4942It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
4943Rumania.
4944 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
4945%
4946 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
4947"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
4948 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
4949 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
4950Piglet.
4951 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
4952%
4953 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
4954the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
4955three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
4956"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
4957 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
4958 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
4959then. We're trying to catch her."
4960 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
4961carrying a bucket of sand?"
4962 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
4963%
4964 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
4965inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
4966 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
4967you burn, madam."
4968%
4969 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
4970his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
4971 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
4972mean?"
4973 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
4974`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
4975a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
4976salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
4977machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
4978thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
4979had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
4980more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
4981acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
4982be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
4983were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
4984why the sea is salt."
4985 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
4986 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
4987%
4988 Why are you doing this to me?
4989 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
4990there is change.
4991 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
4992%
4993 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
4994vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
4995unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
4996the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
4997-- $40,000."
4998%
4999 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
5000Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
5001buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
5002 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
5003 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
5004 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
5005and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
5006"Okay. It's your wife."
5007 "My wife!!"
5008 "Yeah."
5009 "What about her?"
5010 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
5011his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
5012%
5013 Work Hard.
5014 Rock Hard.
5015 Eat Hard.
5016 Sleep Hard.
5017 Grow Big.
5018 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
5019 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
5020%
5021 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
5022and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
5023quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
5024and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
5025Chips, as well as after Chips?
5026%
5027 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
5028mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
5029 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
5030bury it or else throw it into the brook."
5031 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
5032do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
5033long, and two mouses wide."
5034 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
5035how it was used...
5036 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
5037%
5038 "Yo, Mike!"
5039 "Yeah, Gabe?"
5040 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
5041 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
5042 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
5043program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
5044 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
5045there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
5046There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
5047 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
5048%
5049 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
5050 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
5051 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
5052was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
5053 -- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
5054%
5055 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
5056airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
5057deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
5058when I was young!"
5059 "Why, what did she tell you?"
5060 "I don't know, I didn't listen."
5061 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5062%
5063 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
5064any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
5065fit to hear his view of things?"
5066 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
5067you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
5068imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
5069if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
5070potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
5071and you may feel free to kick his ass."
5072 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
5073%
5074 "You say there are two types of people?"
5075 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
5076don't."
5077 "Wrong. There are three groups:
5078 Those who separate people into three groups.
5079 Those who don't separate people into groups.
5080 Those who can't decide."
5081 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
5082two groups?"
5083 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
5084 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
5085 "Yeah."
5086 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
5087 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
5088minds."
5089%
5090 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
5091week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
5092only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
5093Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
5094to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
5095 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
5096rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
5097fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
5098soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
5099beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
5100twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
5101age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
5102This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
5103 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
5104%
5105 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
5106electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
5107kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
5108problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
5109the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
5110outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
5111to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
5112 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
5113means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
5114that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
5115caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
5116possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
5117actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
5118signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
5119cats on the dinette table, etc.
5120 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
5121%
5122 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
5123 "We wound barbed wire around them."
5124 "That stop him?"
5125 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
5126%
5127 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
5128the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
5129of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
5130 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
5131old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
5132enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
5133-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
5134back to dust.
5135 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
5136of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
5137thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
5138for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
5139 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
5140self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
5141despair.
5142 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
5143grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
5144you are young.
5145 -- Samuel Ullman
5146%
5147" "
5148 -- Charlie Chaplin
5149
5150" "
5151 -- Harpo Marx
5152
5153" "
5154 -- Marcel Marceau
5155%
5156Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
5157start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
5158then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
5159music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
5160 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
5161%
5162 /\
5163 \\ \
5164 / \ \\ /
5165 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
5166 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
5167 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
5168 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
5169 \ \\
5170 \/
5171 -- Eurythmics
5172%
5173 ___ ______
5174 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
5175 \ \ \ / /\\
5176 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
5177 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
5178 // \__\/ / \ /\ \
5179 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
5180 / / \ \ / / / /\
5181 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
5182 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
5183 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
5184 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
5185 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
5186 \ \/ / \ \ \ \ /
5187 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
5188 /__________/ \ \ /
5189 \ _____ \ /_____\/
5190 \ / /\ \ / \ \ \
5191 /____/ \ \ / \ \ \
5192 \ \ /___\/ \ \ \
5193 \____\/ \__\/
5194%
5195 ***
5196 *******
5197 *********
5198 ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
5199 *******
5200 ***
5201%
5202* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
5203%
5204 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
5205primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
5206of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
5207arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
5208completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
5209once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
5210subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
5211man.
5212 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
5213%
5214 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
5215 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
5216 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
5217 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
5218 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
5219
5220 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
5221%
5222 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
5223 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
5224 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
5225 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
5226 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
5227
5228 -- C code which counts the bits in a word.
5229%
5230=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5231
5232Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
5233will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
5234updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
5235machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
5236populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
5237cold boot process.
5238%
5239=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5240
5241A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
5242
5243The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
5244Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
5245switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
5246Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
5247back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
5248performance.
5249%
5250=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5251
5252Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
5253this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
5254order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
5255please communicate them by one of the following paths:
5256
5257 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
5258 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
5259 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
5260 Wastebasket
5261 Room NE43-926
5262 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
5263 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
5264 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
5265
5266* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
5267 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
5268%
5269=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5270
5271CAR and CDR now return extra values.
5272
5273The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
5274to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
5275well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
5276destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
5277
5278 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
5279
5280For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
5281object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
5282fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
5283hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
5284it cold boots the machine so often.
5285%
5286=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5287
5288Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
5289INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
5290LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
5291done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
5292Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
5293
5294 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
5295 ,LET)))
5296 `(LET ((LET ',LET))
5297 ,LET))
5298
5299This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
53003.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
5301This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
5302Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him
5303confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
5304%
5305=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5306
5307JCL support as alternative to system menu.
5308
5309In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
5310we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
5311alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
5312interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
5313compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
5314window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
5315such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
5316syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
5317debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
5318messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
5319%
5320=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5321
5322The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
5323collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
5324(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
5325virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
5326QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
5327collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
5328than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
5329more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
5330remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
5331in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
5332SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
5333%
5334=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5335
5336There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
5337 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
5338 (PROG (V P LP)
5339 (SETQ P (LOCF V))
5340 L (SETQ LP LISTS)
5341 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5342 L1 (OR LP (GO L2))
5343 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
5344 (%PUSH (CAAR LP))
5345 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
5346 (SETQ LP (CDR LP))
5347 (GO L1)
5348 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5349 (SETQ LP (%POP))
5350 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
5351 (GO L)))
5352We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
5353%
5354**** CONVENTION REMINDER
5355
5356No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
5357Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
5358smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
5359carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
5360marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
5361%
5362**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
5363
5364For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
5365Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
5366to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
5367beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
5368they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
5369Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
5370not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
5371all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
5372great potential.
5373%
5374 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
5375 its situation.
5376 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
5377 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
5378 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
5379 second per second takes over.
5380 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
5381 intervenes suddenly.
5382 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
5383 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
5384 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
5385 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
5386 stooge's surcease.
5387III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
5388 conforming to its perimeter.
5389 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
5390 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
5391 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
5392 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
5393 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
5394 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5395%
5396" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
5397pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
5398 -- Winston Churchill
5399%
5400 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
5401 2. The Nutcracker Swede
5402 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
5403 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
5404 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
5405 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5406 7. Crisco Kringle
5407 8. Babes in Boyland
5408 9. Santa's Magic Lap
540910. Hot Buttered Elves
5410 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
5411 Square"
5412%
5413... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
5414have turned into a pile of dust.
5415%
5416... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
5417was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
5418 -- Mark Twain
5419%
5420... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
5421were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5422a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5423Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5424and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5425that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5426 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5427%
5428-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5429-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5430 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5431-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5432-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5433 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5434-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5435-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5436-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
5437 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5438%
5439=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5440
5441To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5442course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5443offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5444afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5445to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5446there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5447%
5448"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5449products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
5450 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5451 MIT Press, 1987
5452%
5453... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5454programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5455down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5456behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5457never when standing.
5458
5459Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5460know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5461know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5462hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
5463electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5464An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5465the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5466touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5467astray by hunting and pecking.
5468 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5469 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5470%
5471... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
5472%
5473"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
5474your own."
5475 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
5476 Preposterous Words
5477%
5478... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5479inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5480ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5481haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5482it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5483prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5484looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5485is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5486mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5487may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5488have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5489 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5490%
5491... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
5492%
5493"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..."
5494 -- Zippy the Pinhead
5495%
5496... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
5497easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
5498and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
5499upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
5500without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
5501on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
5502was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
5503sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
5504human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
5505 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5506%
5507... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5508intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
5509can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
5510seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
5511world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
5512ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
5513you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
5514would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
5515 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5516%
5517... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
5518 -- Virginia Masters
5519%
5520... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5521objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5522public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5523public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5524parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5525are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5526the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5527other's private parts.
5528 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5529%
5530... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5531civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5532gain in 30 years.
5533 -- Fred Brooks
5534%
5535... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
5536business, it probably would be gibberish.
5537 -- Thom McLeod
5538%
5539... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects
5540perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5541attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5542introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5543yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5544 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5545%
5546 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
5547%
5548<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5549%
5550... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5551"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5552words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5553He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5554them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5555Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5556knows them in the naming.
5557 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5558%
5559"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
5560 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
5561 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
5562 Security Agency.
5563%
5564/* Haley */
5565
5566 (Haley's comment.)
5567%
5568" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
5569instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
5570standing still ..."
5571 -- Steven Wright
5572%
5573"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
5574supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
5575actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
5576 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
5577 Points in l'Amour"
5578%
5579... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
5580the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
5581asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
5582 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5583%
5584... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
5585KOSHER DELI!!
5586%
5587**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5588
5589Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5590erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5591Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5592Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5593valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5594in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5595as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5596time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5597of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5598space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5599validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5600extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5601or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5602%
5603... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5604intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5605to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5606at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5607incalculable ...
5608 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5609%
5610... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
5611smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
5612not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
5613 -- Stephen Crane
5614%
5615>>> Internal error in fortune program:
5616>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5617>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5618%
5619: is not an identifier
5620%
5621... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5622sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5623words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5624superficial design flaws.
5625 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5626 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
5627%
5628... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5629existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5630systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5631hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5632 -- Sidney Hook
5633%
5634... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5635found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5636 -- John 11:43-44
5637%
5638"... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5639What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?"
5640 -- Opus
5641%
5642... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
5643legally ... impeccable!
5644%
5645-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5646-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5647 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5648-- Neophyte's serendipity.
5649-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
5650 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5651-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5652 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5653-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation
5654 of a lucrative nature.
5655-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5656 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
5657%
5658** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5659%
5660-- Neophyte's serendipity.
5661-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
5662 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5663-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
5664 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
5665-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5666 optimal cachinnation.
5667-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
5668 escallation of a lucrative nature.
5669-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
5670 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
5671 remain innocuous.
5672%
5673*** NEWS FLASH ***
5674
5675Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5676skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5677than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5678%
5679*** NEWSFLASH ***
5680 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
5681 Details at eleven!
5682%
5683... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5684get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5685the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5686on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5687children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5688snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5689to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5690a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5691outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5692he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5693Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5694Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
5695kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
5696children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
5697quickly.
5698 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5699%
5700... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
5701with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
5702shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
5703advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
5704shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
5705them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
5706 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5707%
5708... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5709lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
5710their C programs.
5711 -- Robert Firth
5712%
5713... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
5714Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
5715thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
5716somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
5717on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
5718a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
5719 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
5720%
5721... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
5722downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
5723awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
5724 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
5725 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
5726%
5727-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
5728-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
5729-- Surveillance should precede saltation.
5730-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5731-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
5732 lacteal fluid.
5733-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
5734-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
5735 canine with innovative maneuvers.
5736-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
5737-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
5738 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
5739%
5740... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
5741who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
5742and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
5743and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
5744 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
5745%
5746... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
5747procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
5748to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
5749sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
5750documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
5751listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
5752documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
5753under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
5754effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
5755scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
5756in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
5757thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
5758then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
5759dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
5760 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
5761%
5762***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
5763
5764It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
5765in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
5766sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
5767we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
5768"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
5769wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
5770IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
5771about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
5772forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
5773rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
5774succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
5775in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
5776underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
5777of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
5778IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
5779discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
5780%
5781-- THE BATES MOTEL --
5782 ... convenient
5783 ... clean
5784 ... cozy
5785
5786 Norman, knock loudly,
5787 I'm in the shower.
5788
5789 M.
5790%
5791"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
5792 -- Dave Barry
5793%
5794... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
5795%
5796... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
5797other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
5798charity we can only call "inhuman."
5799 -- R. A. Lafferty
5800%
5801-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
5802-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5803-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
5804 materials, there is conflagration.
5805-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5806-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5807 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5808-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5809 optimal cachinnation.
5810-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5811%
5812... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
5813have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
5814or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
5815layers that are going to be agreed upon.
5816 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
5817%
5818... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
5819thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
5820biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
5821cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
5822
5823 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
5824%
5825... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
5826million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
5827 -- The Firesign Theater
5828%
5829... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
5830from beginning to end.
5831 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
5832%
5833 U X
5834e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
5835%
5836* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
5837%
5838 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
5839 entrances; others cannot.
5840 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
5841 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
5842 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
5843 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
5844 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
5845 of science.
5846VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
5847 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
5848 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
5849 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
5850 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
5851 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
5852 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
5853 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
5854 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
5855 watching it happen to a duck instead.
5856 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
5857 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
5858 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5859%
5860<< WAIT >>
5861%
5862... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
5863observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
5864years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
5865descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
5866do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
5867flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
5868things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
5869established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
5870to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
5871cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
5872into doubt.
5873 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
5874 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
5875%
5876... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
5877has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
5878 -- Fred Brooks
5879%
5880... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
5881Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
5882piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
5883wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
5884right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
5885poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
5886hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
5887to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
5888anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
5889 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
5890barely able to walk.
5891 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
5892 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
5893 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
5894"The good news first!"
5895 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
5896 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
5897The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
5898the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
5899his life."
5900%
5901!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
5902%
59031: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
59042: An inclined plane is a slope up.
59053: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
5906
5907QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
5908 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
5909%
5910(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
5911 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
5912(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
5913 Wash the windows once a week.
5914(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
5915 coal for the day's business.
5916(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
5917 individual taste.
5918(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
5919 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
5920 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
5921 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
5922 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5923 Works, 1872
5924%
59251 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
5926%
59271. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't.
59282. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
59293. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
59304. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
59315. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
59326. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
59337. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
59348. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
59359. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
593610. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
5937 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
5938%
5939[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5940[2] Great generals are forewarned.
5941[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5942[4] Four is an even number.
5943[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5944[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5945 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
5946%
5947[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5948[2] Great generals are forewarned.
5949[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5950[4] Four is an even number.
5951[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5952[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5953 Therefore, all horses are black.
5954%
59551. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
59562. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
59573. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
59584. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
5959 the social ramble ain't restful.
59605. Avoid running at all times.
59616. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
5962 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
5963%
59641 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
59656.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
59662 pints = 1 Cavort
5967Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
5968Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
59696 Curses = 1 Hexahex
59703500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
59711 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
59721 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
59731 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
59741000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
59752.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
59762000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
597710 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
5978Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
59798 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
5980365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
598116.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
5982Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
5983 to 1 meter per second
5984One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
598510 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
59861000 pains = 1 Megahertz
59871 Word = 1 Millipicture
59881 Sagan = Billions & Billions
59891 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
599010 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
599110 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
5992The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
5993%
59941 bulls, 3 cows.
5995%
59961. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
5997you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
59983. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
5999 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
6000%
60011: No code table for op: ++post
6002%
60031) X=Y ; Given
60042) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
60053) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
60064) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
60075) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
60086) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
60097) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
6010 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
6011%
601210. Not everybody looks good naked.
6013 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
6014 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
6015 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
6016 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
6017 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
6018 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
6019 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
6020 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
6021 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
6022 future generations.
6023 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
6024%
602510 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
6026
6027 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
6028 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
6029 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
6030 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
6031 other beers on the side.
6032 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
6033 "doberperson".
6034 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
6035 folk music on yer fave radio station.
6036 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
6037 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
6038 toilet seat up.
6039 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
6040 enormous can of vegetable juice.
604110. A beer won't smoke in your car.
6042%
6043100 buckets of bits on the bus
6044100 buckets of bits
6045Take one down, short it to ground
6046FF buckets of bits on the bus
6047
6048FF buckets of bits on the bus
6049FF buckets of bits
6050Take one down, short it to ground
6051FE buckets of bits on the bus...
6052
6053ad infinitum...
6054%
6055$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
6056which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
6057 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
6058%
6059$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
6060increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
6061 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6062%
606310.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
6064%
6065101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
6066 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
6067 (2) Dead cat brush
6068 (3) Hair barrettes
6069 (4) Cleats
6070 (5) Self-piercing earrings
6071 (6) Fungus trellis
6072 (7) False eyelashes
6073 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
6074 .
6075 .
6076 .
6077 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
6078 (100) Killer velcro
6079 (101) Currency
6080%
60811/2 oz. gin
60821/2 oz. vodka
60831/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
60843/4 oz. tequila
60851/2 oz. triple sec
60861/2 oz. orange juice
60873/4 oz. sour mix
60881/2 oz. cola
6089shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
6090 Long Island Iced Tea
6091%
609213. ... r-q1
6093%
609417. HO HUM -- The Redundant
6095
6096------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
6097--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
6098------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
6099---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
6100---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
6101--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
6102
6103Nine in the second place means:
6104 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
6105
6106Six in the third place means:
6107 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
6108 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
6109%
61101.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
6111the law!
6112%
611317th Rule of Friendship:
6114
6115A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
6116of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
6117noncancellable.
6118 -- Esquire, May 1977
6119%
6120186,000 miles per second:
6121It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
6122%
61231893 The ideal brain tonic
61241900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
6125 soda fountains
61261905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
61271905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
61281906 The drink of QUALITY
61291907 Good to the last drop
61301907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
61311907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
61321908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
61331917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
61341919 It satisfies thirst
61351919 The taste is the test
61361922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
61371922 Thirst knows no season
61381925 Enjoy the sociable drink
6139 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6140%
61411925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
61421929 The high sign of refreshment
61431929 The pause that refreshes
61441930 It had to be good to get where it is
61451932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
61461935 The pause that brings friends together
61471937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
61481938 The best friend thirst ever had
61491939 Thirst stops here
61501942 It's the real thing
61511947 Have a Coke
61521961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
61531963 Things go better with Coke
61541969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
61551979 Have a Coke and a smile
61561982 Coke is it!
6157 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6158%
61591st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
6160
61612nd graffitiest: Why?
6162%
61632180, U.S. History question:
6164 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
6165office did he later hold?
6166%
61673 syncs represent the trinity - init, the child and the eternal zombie
6168process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
6169traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
6170ourselves in.
6171 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
6172%
6173$3,000,000.
6174%
6175355/113 --
6176 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
6177%
61783M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
6179and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
6180that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
6181adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
6182tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
6183
6184 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
6185%
61863rd Law of Computing:
6187 Anything that can go wr
6188fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
6189%
619040 isn't old. If you're a tree.
6191%
61924.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
6193
6194You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
6195575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
6196tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
6197575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
6198Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
6199130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
6200has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
6201Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
6202 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
6203%
6204(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
6205 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
6206(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
6207 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
6208 and other good books.
6209(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
6210 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
6211 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
6212(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
6213 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
6214 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
6215 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
6216(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
6217 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
6218 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
6219 business permit it.
6220 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6221 Works, 1872
6222%
62236 oz. orange juice
62241 oz. vodka
62251/2 oz. Galliano
6226 Harvey Wallbangers
6227%
62287:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6229 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
6230 Redwood Forest.
6231%
62327:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6233 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
6234 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
6235%
623690% of the work takes 90% of the time.
6237The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
6238%
623994% of the women in America are beautiful
6240and the rest hang out around here.
6241%
624299 blocks of crud on the disk,
624399 blocks of crud!
6244You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6245100 blocks of crud on the disk!
6246
6247100 blocks of crud on the disk,
6248100 blocks of crud!
6249You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6250101 blocks of crud on the disk!
6251%
6252A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
6253 -- Ben Franklin
6254%
6255A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
6256at one end and no responsibility at the other.
6257%
6258A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
6259 -- Carl Sandburg
6260%
6261A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
6262%
6263A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
6264who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
6265 -- Don Quinn
6266%
6267A bachelor is an unaltared male.
6268%
6269A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
6270and a boy for ever.
6271 -- Helen Rowland
6272%
6273A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
6274the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
6275%
6276A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
6277ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
6278 -- Robert Frost
6279%
6280A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
6281sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
6282 -- Mark Twain
6283%
6284A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
6285 -- Kipling
6286%
6287A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
6288 -- Emerson
6289%
6290A beer delayed is a beer denied.
6291%
6292A beginning is the time for taking the
6293most delicate care that balances are correct.
6294 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
6295%
6296A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
6297 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
6298%
6299A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
6300adds up to be real money.
6301 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
6302%
6303A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
6304A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
6305A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
6306A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
6307%
6308A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
6309a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
6310jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
6311
6312The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
6313 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
6314The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
6315 there's one white zebra."
6316The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
6317 white on one side."
6318The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
6319%
6320A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
6321%
6322A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
6323 -- Cervantes
6324%
6325A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
6326%
6327A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
6328%
6329A bit of talcum
6330Is always walcum
6331 -- Ogden Nash
6332%
6333A black cat crossing your path signifies
6334that the animal is going somewhere.
6335 -- Groucho Marx
6336%
6337A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
6338best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
6339serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
6340schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
6341work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
6342not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
6343elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
6344stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
6345supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
6346professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
6347academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
6348and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
6349resource centers along the roads.
6350 -- The Underground Grammarian
6351%
6352A bore is a man who talks so much about
6353himself that you can't talk about yourself.
6354%
6355A bore is someone who persists in holding his
6356own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
6357%
6358A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
6359%
6360A box without hinges, key, or lid,
6361Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
6362 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
6363%
6364A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
6365of turning around three times before lying down.
6366 -- Robert Benchley
6367%
6368A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
6369 -- John Steinbeck
6370%
6371A budget is just a method of worrying
6372before you spend money, as well as afterward.
6373%
6374A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
6375%
6376A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
6377%
6378A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
6379hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
6380drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
6381found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
6382got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
6383experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
6384 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
6385got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
6386friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
6387 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
6388pole in a complex plane."
6389%
6390A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
6391The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
6392Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
6393And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
6394 -- Robert W. Service
6395%
6396A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
6397is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
6398%
6399A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
6400 -- Paul Valery
6401%
6402"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!"
6403 -- Zippy the Pinhead
6404%
6405A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
6406and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
6407%
6408A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
6409to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
6410and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
6411examine him about his recent diet.
6412 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
6413the problem?"
6414 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
6415Tell me a bit about this missionary."
6416 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
6417walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
6418him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
6419 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
6420the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
6421%
6422A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
6423%
6424A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
6425on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
6426and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
6427with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
6428until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
6429and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
6430spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
6431%
6432A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
6433does not prove anything.
6434 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
6435%
6436A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
6437%
6438A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
6439Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
6440%
6441A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
6442had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
6443various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
6444invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
6445and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
6446asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
6447between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
6448string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
6449was enlightened.
6450
6451From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
6452string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
6453who passed it on to theirs.
6454%
6455A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
6456time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
6457evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
6458the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
6459the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
6460much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
6461 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
6462The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
6463after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
6464to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
6465silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
6466go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
6467 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
6468the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
6469%
6470A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
6471a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
6472with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
6473in as Mr. and Mrs.
6474 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
6475desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
6476a bill for $2500.
6477 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
6478only three days."
6479 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
6480and a half."
6481%
6482A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
6483%
6484A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
6485coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
6486to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
6487 -- Dave Barry
6488%
6489A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
6490%
6491A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
6492Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
6493 -- Thomas Ybarra
6494%
6495A chronic disposition to inquiry
6496deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
6497%
6498A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
6499will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
6500%
6501A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
6502won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
6503 -- Bill Vaughan
6504%
6505A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
6506 -- Herbert Prochnow
6507%
6508A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
6509%
6510A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
6511and nobody wants to read.
6512 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
6513%
6514A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
6515%
6516A closed mouth gathers no foot.
6517%
6518A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
6519a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
6520sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
6521know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
6522 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
6523%
6524A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6525
65261. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
6527 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
6528 valuable scientific objectivity.
6529
65302. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
6531 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
6532 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
6533
65343. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
6535 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
6536%
6537A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6538
65394. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
6540 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
6541 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
6542 disability you may have experienced.
6543
65445. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
6545 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
6546 explained in terms that you would understand.
6547
65486. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
6549 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6550 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6551%
6552A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6553
65547. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6555 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6556 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6557
65588. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6559 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6560
65619. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6562 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6563 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6564 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6565
656610. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6567 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6568%
6569A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6570as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6571dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6572 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6573%
6574A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6575 -- Milton Berle
6576%
6577A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6578 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6579%
6580A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6581scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6582 -- Parkinson
6583%
6584A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6585 -- R. Stallman
6586%
6587A company is known by the men it keeps.
6588%
6589A complex system that works is invariably
6590found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6591%
6592A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6593 -- Victor Hugo
6594%
6595[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6596 -- Joseph Campbell
6597%
6598A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6599with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6600 -- Mitch Ratcliffe
6601%
6602A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6603the president one of the latest talking computers.
6604Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6605 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6606 speed of light?"
6607Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6608Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6609Computer: George Washington.
6610President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6611 Where is my father?"
6612Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6613President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6614 years ago!"
6615Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6616 landed a twelve pound bass.
6617%
6618A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6619the computer science student has run in to.
6620
6621CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6622 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6623 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6624 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6625 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6626 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6627 get the pointer value from there?
6628Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6629 make it point to the previous item.
6630CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6631 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6632 scope!
6633Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6634
6635And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6636%
6637A computer science student on an exam:
6638
6639 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just
6640 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently,
6641 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool
6642 news.
6643%
6644A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6645%
6646A computer, to print out a fact,
6647Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
6648 But this output can be
6649 No more than debris,
6650If the input was short of exact.
6651 -- Gigo
6652%
6653A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6654cake without ketchup and mustard.
6655%
6656A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6657%
6658A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6659do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6660 -- Fred Allen
6661%
6662A CONS is an object which cares.
6663 -- Bernie Greenberg.
6664%
6665A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6666 -- Elbert Hubbard
6667%
6668A conservative is a man
6669who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
6670 -- Alfred E. Wiggam
6671%
6672A conservative is a man
6673with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
6674 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
6675%
6676A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
6677is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
6678%
6679A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
6680 -- Dyer
6681%
6682A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
6683damned things is ample.
6684 -- Rebecca West
6685%
6686A couch is as good as a chair.
6687%
6688A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6689 -- Ben Franklin
6690%
6691A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6692beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6693one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6694like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6695Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6696his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6697Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6698 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6699man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6700license.
6701 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6702as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6703 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
6704there, he don't have one!"
6705%
6706A cousin of mine once said about money,
6707money is always there but the pockets change;
6708it is not in the same pockets after a change,
6709and that is all there is to say about money.
6710 -- Gertrude Stein
6711%
6712A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
6713in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
6714each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
6715and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
6716the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
6717 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
6718well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
6719houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
6720fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
6721of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
6722complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
6723ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
6724this central section.
6725 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
6726colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
6727brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
6728hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
6729%
6730A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
6731 -- Whitney Balliett
6732%
6733A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
6734qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
6735in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
6736%
6737A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
6738And had an affair with a Saracen.
6739 She was not oversexed,
6740 Or jealous or vexed,
6741She just wanted to make a comparison.
6742%
6743A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
6744 -- Edgar A. Shoaff
6745%
6746A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
6747%
6748A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
6749%
6750A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
6751%
6752A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
6753%
6754A day without sunshine is like night.
6755%
6756A dead man cannot bite.
6757 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
6758%
6759A debugged program is one for which you have
6760not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
6761 -- Jerry Ogdin
6762%
6763A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
6764Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
6765their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
6766society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
6767domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
6768is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
6769 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
6770%
6771A Difficulty for Every Solution.
6772 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
6773%
6774A diplomat is a man who can convince his
6775wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
6776%
6777A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
6778go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
6779 -- Samuel Clemens
6780%
6781A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
6782in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
6783 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
6784%
6785A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
6786 -- Robert Frost
6787%
6788A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
6789you will look forward to the trip.
6790%
6791A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
6792your birthday when you never look any older?"
6793%
6794A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
6795 -- Adlai Stevenson
6796%
6797A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
6798inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
6799of her life?"
6800 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
6801the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
6802condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
6803%
6804A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
6805%
6806A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
6807some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
6808that you only have six weeks to live."
6809 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
6810that?"
6811 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
6812last Monday."
6813%
6814A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
6815waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
6816lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
6817courtesy," he explained.
6818%
6819A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
6820 -- Ogden Nash
6821%
6822A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
6823what he meant.
6824 -- Wilson Mizner
6825%
6826A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
6827 -- Stanislaw Lem
6828%
6829A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
6830a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
6831a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
6832an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
6833%
6834A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
6835 -- Klipstein
6836%
6837A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
6838%
6839A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
6840 -- Publilius Syrus
6841%
6842A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
6843should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
6844she deserved.
6845 -- Robert A. Heinlein
6846%
6847A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
68481108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
6849the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
6850"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
6851cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
6852the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
6853with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
6854%
6855A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
6856 -- Winston Churchill
6857%
6858A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
6859%
6860A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
6861m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
6862alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
6863running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
6864m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
6865takes off and disappears into the distance.
6866 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
6867the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
6868sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
6869 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
6870me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
6871dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
6872So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
6873have a drumstick."
6874 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
6875 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
6876one yet."
6877%
6878A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
6879He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
6880to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
6881should be masculine or feminine.
6882 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
6883Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
6884 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
6885them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
6886went on their way rather quickly.
6887 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
6888belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
6889 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
6890asked.
6891 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
6892masculine."
6893 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
6894 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
6895it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
6896go!'"
6897
6898 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
6899 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
6900%
6901A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
6902%
6903A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
6904%
6905A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
6906rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
6907down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
6908on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
6909station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
6910drowned in the lake!"
6911 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
6912more chain than he can swim with?"
6913%
6914A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
6915A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
6916And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
6917A baby-sitter I've never yet
6918Baby-sits -- Had letters let
6919But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
6920
6921A batter bats
6922(Or scatters scats);
6923A potting shed's for potting;
6924But no one's found
6925A bounder bound
6926Or caught an otter otting.
6927 -- Ralph Lewin
6928%
6929A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
6930waiting for a taxi.
6931 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
6932 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
6933%
6934A fool and his honey are soon parted.
6935%
6936A fool and his money are soon popular.
6937%
6938A fool and your money are soon partners.
6939%
6940A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
6941A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
6942%
6943A fool must now and then be right by chance.
6944%
6945A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
6946 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6947%
6948A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
6949of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
6950%
6951A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
6952superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
6953 -- George Bernard Shaw
6954%
6955A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
6956 -- D. Gries
6957%
6958A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
6959%
6960A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
6961 -- Ruth Weston
6962%
6963"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
6964dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
6965 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
6966%
6967A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
6968 -- Adlai Stevenson
6969%
6970A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
6971 -- Robert Benchley
6972%
6973A friend in need is a pest indeed.
6974%
6975A friend is a present you give yourself.
6976 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
6977%
6978A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
6979You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
6980 -- Steven Wright
6981%
6982A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
6983lawyers more than he hates his wife.
6984%
6985A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
6986%
6987A full belly makes a dull brain.
6988 -- Ben Franklin
6989
6990 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
6991%
6992A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
6993people's demands.
6994%
6995A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
6996%
6997A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
6998he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
6999favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
7000facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
7001 -- H. L. Mencken
7002%
7003A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
7004His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
7005%
7006A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
7007that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
7008assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
7009They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
7010each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
7011the engineer:
7012
7013Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
7014Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
7015 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
7016 electrical shock to the horse.
7017G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
7018Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
7019 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
7020 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
7021G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
7022 I decide what to do. Physicist?
7023
7024Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
7025%
7026A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
7027ducks.
7028 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
7029%
7030A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
7031 -- Evan Esar
7032 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
7033%
7034A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
7035 -- Fred Allen
7036%
7037A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
7038%
7039A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
7040A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
7041But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*.
7042 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
7043%
7044A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
7045 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
7046%
7047A girl's best friend is her mutter.
7048 -- Dorothy Parker
7049%
7050A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
7051it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
7052%
7053A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
7054a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
7055%
7056A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
7057Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
7058The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
7059had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
7060firm tuft of grass.
7061 -- Donald A. Metz
7062%
7063A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
7064the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
7065rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
7066the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
7067penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
7068uncontrollable physical phenomena.
7069 -- Donald A. Metz
7070%
7071A good man always knows his limitations.
7072 -- Harry Callahan
7073%
7074A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
7075 -- Michel de Montaigne
7076%
7077A good memory does not equal pale ink.
7078%
7079A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
7080all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
7081 -- J. Hawes
7082%
7083A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
7084 -- Patton
7085%
7086A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
7087one-way street.
7088 -- Doug Linder
7089%
7090A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
7091into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
7092hope of greening the landscape of idea.
7093 -- John Ciardi
7094%
7095A good reputation is more valuable than money.
7096 -- Publilius Syrus
7097%
7098A good scapegoat is hard to find.
7099%
7100A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
7101%
7102A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
7103gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
7104then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
7105 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
7106%
7107A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
7108call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
7109"That's dynamite, baby."
7110 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
7111%
7112A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
7113you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
7114you about yourself.
7115 -- Lisa Kirk
7116%
7117A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
7118the table after you eat.
7119%
7120A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
7121 -- James Beard
7122%
7123A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
7124to take it all away.
7125 -- Barry Goldwater
7126%
7127A grammarian's life is always intense.
7128%
7129A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
7130 -- Ben Franklin
7131%
7132A great many people think they are thinking
7133when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
7134 -- William James
7135%
7136A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
7137man a century.
7138%
7139A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
7140green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
7141grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals
7142indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
7143bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
7144with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
7145of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
7146upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
7147store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
7148of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
7149properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
7150anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
7151geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
7152 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
7153%
7154A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
7155are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
7156not going to church on Sunday.
7157 -- Russell Baker
7158%
7159A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
7160 -- Carolyn Wells
7161%
7162A guy has to get fresh once in a while
7163so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
7164%
7165A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
7166%
7167A halted retreat
7168Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
7169To retain people as men -- and maidservants
7170Brings good fortune.
7171%
7172A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
7173%
7174A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
7175%
7176A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
7177%
7178A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
7179weight in other people's patience.
7180 -- John Updike
7181%
7182A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
7183
7184If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
7185a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
7186photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
7187you use?
7188
7189 -- Paul Harvey
7190%
7191A Hen Brooding Kittens
7192 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
7193a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
7194kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
7195says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
7196she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
7197felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
7198her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
7199 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
7200%
7201A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
7202%
7203A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
7204of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
7205 -- Adolf Hitler
7206%
7207A holding company is a thing where you hand
7208an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
7209%
7210A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
7211 "Hello?" his friend answers.
7212 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
7213 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
7214for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
7215studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
7216series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
7217I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
7218 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
7219%
7220A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
7221%
7222"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
7223The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you
7224talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.'
7225-- So I hit him."
7226 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
7227%
7228A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
7229 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
7230%
7231A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
7232%
7233A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
7234Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
7235 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
7236%
7237A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
7238 -- Helen Rowland
7239%
7240A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
7241 -- Don Marquis
7242%
7243A hypothetical paradox:
7244 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
7245who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
7246Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
7247 -- Tom Galloway
7248%
7249A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
7250C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
7251E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
7252G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
7253I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
7254K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
7255M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
7256O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
7257Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
7258S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
7259U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
7260W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
7261Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
7262 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
7263%
7264A is for Apple.
7265 -- Hester Pryne
7266%
7267A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
7268B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
7269C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
7270D is for dd, the command that does all.
7271E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
7272F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
7273G is for grep, a clever detective, while
7274H is for halt, which may seem defective.
7275I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
7276J is for join, which nobody uses.
7277K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
7278L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
7279M is for more, from which less was begot, and
7280N is for nice, which it really is not.
7281O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
7282P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
7283Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
7284R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
7285S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
7286T is for true, which does very little.
7287U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
7288V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
7289W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
7290X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
7291Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
7292Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
7293 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
7294%
7295A joint is just tea for two.
7296%
7297A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
7298%
7299A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
7300 -- Lao Tsu
7301%
7302A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
7303 -- Lao Tsu
7304%
7305A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
7306Earthen vessels
7307Simply handed in through the window.
7308There is certainly no blame in this.
7309%
7310A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
7311 -- Robert Frost
7312%
7313A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
7314good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
7315%
7316A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
7317%
7318A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
7319 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
7320%
7321A king's castle is his home.
7322%
7323A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
7324for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
7325words are superfluous.
7326%
7327A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
7328%
7329A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
7330 -- Lillian Day
7331%
7332A lady with one of her ears applied
7333To an open keyhole heard, inside,
7334Two female gossips in converse free --
7335The subject engaging them was she.
7336"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
7337That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
7338As soon as no more of it she could hear
7339The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
7340"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
7341"To hear my character lied about!"
7342 -- Gopete Sherany
7343%
7344A language that doesn't affect the way you
7345think about programming is not worth knowing.
7346%
7347A language that doesn't have everything is
7348actually easier to program in than some that do.
7349 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
7350%
7351A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
7352the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
7353and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
7354line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
7355do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
7356 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
7357there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
7358110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
7359third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
7360 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
7361this here corn liquor?"
7362 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
7363 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
7364"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
7365 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
7366a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
7367 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
7368with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
7369smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
7370want killed?"
7371%
7372A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
7373That is, they work by being declared to work.
7374 -- Anatol Holt
7375%
7376A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
7377Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
7378him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
7379quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
7380above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
7381"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
7382where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
7383So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
7384flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
7385"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
7386silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
7387to the flypaper with all the other flies.
7388
7389Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
7390 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
7391%
7392A Law of Computer Programming:
7393 Make it possible for programmers to write in English
7394 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
7395%
7396A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
7397 -- Robert Frost
7398%
7399A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
7400 -- Willis Player
7401%
7402A lie in time saves nine.
7403%
7404A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
7405trouble.
7406 -- Adlai Stevenson
7407%
7408A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
7409%
7410A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
7411%
7412A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
7413 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
7414%
7415A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
7416 -- Aristotle
7417%
7418A limerick packs laughs anatomical
7419Into space that is quite economical.
7420 But the good ones I've seen
7421 So seldom are clean,
7422And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
7423%
7424A LISP programmer knows the value of
7425everything, but the cost of nothing.
7426 -- Alan Perlis
7427%
7428A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
7429 -- Don Knuth
7430%
7431A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
7432%
7433A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
7434 -- C. E. Ayres
7435%
7436A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
7437 -- H. H. Munro, "Saki"
7438%
7439A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
7440right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
7441know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
7442little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
7443then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
7444%
7445A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
7446have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
7447those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
7448the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
7449APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
7450with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
7451 -- Fred Brooks
7452%
7453A little word of doubtful number,
7454A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
7455If you add an "s" to this,
7456Great is the metamorphosis.
7457Plural is plural now no more,
7458And sweet what bitter was before.
7459What am I?
7460%
7461A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
7462%
7463A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
7464%
7465A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
7466Buy the negatives at any price.
7467%
7468A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
7469%
7470A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
7471 -- Steve Wright
7472%
7473A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
7474and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
7475 -- Lew Col
7476%
7477A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
7478 -- Thomas Hardy
7479%
7480A major, with wonderful force,
7481Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
7482 All the flowers looked round,
7483 But no horse could be found;
7484So he just rhododendron, of course.
7485%
7486A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
7487 -- Carrie Snow
7488%
7489A man always needs to remember one thing about
7490a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
7491%
7492A man always remembers his first love with special
7493tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
7494 -- Mencken
7495%
7496A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
7497who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
7498lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
7499you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
7500her again. Okay?"
7501 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
7502on the side to make it interesting?"
7503%
7504A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
7505that it's cheating.
7506 -- Yves Montand
7507%
7508A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
7509or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
7510 -- Joan Rivers
7511%
7512A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
7513 -- Du Bois
7514%
7515A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
7516By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
7517was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
7518 "Is anybody there?"
7519A deep majestic voice answered,
7520 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
7521 "Help me!!" cried the man.
7522 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
7523you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
7524The man thought for a moment and cried out:
7525 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
7526%
7527A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
7528in the road.
7529 -- Alexander Smith
7530%
7531A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
7532next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
7533Polish."
7534 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
7535Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
7536 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
7537with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
7538the joke.
7539 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
7540 "Nah," says the man.
7541 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
7542man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
7543 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
7544five times."
7545%
7546A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
7547 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
7548%
7549A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
7550 -- Brendan Francis
7551%
7552A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
7553man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
7554whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
7555water..."
7556 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
7557with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
7558 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
7559 "They're only four dollars apiece."
7560 "I need *water*."
7561 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
7562 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
7563 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
7564and he heads off into the distance.
7565 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
7566Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
7567sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
7568staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
7569 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
7570 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
7571%
7572A man is known by the company he organizes.
7573 -- A. Bierce
7574%
7575A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
7576He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
7577 -- Richard Thompson
7578%
7579A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
7580 -- Groucho Marx
7581%
7582A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
7583longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
7584followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
7585other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
7586no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
7587 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
7588but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
7589the funeral for?"
7590 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
7591in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
7592attacked and killed her."
7593 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
7594don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
7595 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
7596%
7597A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
7598antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
7599from around here, are you?"
7600 "No," replies the man with the antennae.
7601 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
7602either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
7603 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
7604 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
7605there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
7606 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
7607 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
7608big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
7609Martians have that?"
7610 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
7611%
7612A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
7613bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
7614 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7615%
7616A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7617 -- Samuel Johnson
7618%
7619A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7620but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7621%
7622A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7623but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7624 -- John Heywood
7625%
7626A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7627His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7628 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7629%
7630A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7631%
7632A man said to the Universe:
7633 "Sir, I exist!"
7634 "However," replied the Universe,
7635 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7636 -- Stephen Crane
7637%
7638A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7639some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7640he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7641might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7642her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7643her aid.
7644 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7645by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7646in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7647 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7648 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7649just want to get my saddle back!"
7650%
7651A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7652he is able to answer.
7653 -- Ronald Colman
7654%
7655A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7656late card games.
7657 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7658he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7659into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7660tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7661wakes up and gives me hell."
7662 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7663 "You do?"
7664 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7665stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7666`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7667 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7668 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7669she's asleep."
7670%
7671A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7672 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7673why did you Di......eeee"
7674The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7675 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7676carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7677 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7678why....eeeee did you.."
7679 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7680Tell, me who is buried here?"
7681 "My wife's first husband."
7682%
7683A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7684 -- Soren Kierkegaard
7685%
7686A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7687in no other way.
7688%
7689A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
7690will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
7691%
7692A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
7693find a girl willing to listen to him.
7694%
7695A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
7696%
7697A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
7698%
7699A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7700A man with two watches is never quite sure.
7701%
7702A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
7703%
7704A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
7705%
7706A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
7707%
7708A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
7709destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
7710turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
7711would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
7712 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
7713%
7714A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
7715%
7716A man's best friend is his dogma.
7717%
7718A man's gotta know his limitations.
7719 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
7720%
7721A man's house is his castle.
7722 -- Sir Edward Coke
7723%
7724A man's house is his hassle.
7725%
7726A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
7727 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
7728 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
7729 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
7730 "What about you: do you see it?"
7731 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
7732on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
7733 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
7734 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
7735who is the one that wants to see it?"
7736%
7737A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
7738observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
7739they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
7740 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
7741yet save her!!"
7742 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
7743understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
7744from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
77456 feet high."
7746 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
7747%
7748A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
7749 -- P. Erdos
7750%
7751A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
7752%
7753A meeting is an event at which the
7754minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
7755%
7756A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
7757but to protect the writer.
7758 -- Dean Acheson
7759%
7760A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,
7761and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
7762 -- Leibnitz
7763%
7764A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
7765on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
7766game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
7767pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
7768along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
7769heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
7770around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
7771direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
7772paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
7773colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
7774fall over gently onto their backs.
7775 -- Audobon Society Magazine
7776
77772001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk:
7778
7779For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
7780monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as
7781Lynx helicopters passed overhead.
7782
7783"Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
7784said team leader Dr Richard Stone.
7785
7786"As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
7787calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
7788with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
7789really."
7790
7791The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
7792(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects"
7793on king penguins.
7794%
7795A mighty creature is the germ,
7796Though smaller than the pachyderm.
7797His customary dwelling place
7798Is deep within the human race.
7799His childish pride he often pleases
7800By giving people strange diseases.
7801Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
7802You probably contain a germ.
7803 -- Ogden Nash
7804%
7805A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
7806%
7807A modem is a baudy house.
7808%
7809A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
7810is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
7811 -- Goldsmith
7812%
7813A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
7814many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
7815the police.
7816 -- Mr. Dooley
7817%
7818A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
7819floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
7820its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
7821terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
7822Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
7823 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
7824children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
7825and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
7826proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
7827 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
7828you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
7829purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
7830language?"
7831%
7832A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
7833and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
7834 -- Frost
7835%
7836A motion to adjourn is always in order.
7837%
7838A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
7839%
7840A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
7841%
7842A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
7843%
7844A musician, an artist, an architect:
7845 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
7846 -- William Blake
7847%
7848A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
7849 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
7850%
7851A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
7852 -- Gore Vidal
7853%
7854A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
7855%
7856A national debt, if it is not excessive,
7857will be to us a national blessing.
7858 -- Alexander Hamilton
7859%
7860A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
7861loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
7862the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
7863asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
7864%
7865A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
7866discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
7867still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
7868same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
78693,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
7870 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
7871ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
7872%
7873A new dramatist of the absurd
7874Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
7875 I learn from my spies
7876 He's about to devise
7877An unprintable three-letter word.
7878%
7879A new koan:
7880 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
7881 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
7882It is an ice cream koan.
7883%
7884A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
7885Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
7886now has no excuse for further procrastination.
7887%
7888A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
7889had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
7890come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
7891catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
7892the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
7893it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
7894in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
7895 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
7896%
7897A New Way of Taking Pills
7898 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
7899having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
7900small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
7901will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
7902 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
7903%
7904A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
7905rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
7906%
7907A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
7908on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
7909over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
7910As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
7911from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
7912"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
7913you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
7914 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7915 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
7916 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7917 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
7918 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7919 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
7920to his death.
7921 "DUMB YANKEE."
7922%
7923A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
7924by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
7925out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
7926that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
7927himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
7928the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
7929 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
7930onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
7931 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
7932gallon or two."
7933%
7934A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
7935 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
7936%
7937A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
7938 -- Yogi Berra
7939%
7940A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be
7941passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency.
7942 -- J. K. Galbraith
7943%
7944A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
7945"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
7946 -- Mahatma Ghandi
7947%
7948A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
7949 -- Phyllis Schlafly
7950%
7951A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
7952
7953"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
7954
7955The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
7956relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
7957before replying.
7958
7959"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
7960
7961With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
7962enlightenment, several years later.
7963
7964Commentary:
7965
7966His Master is kind,
7967Answering his FAQ quickly,
7968With thought and sarcasm.
7969%
7970A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
7971%
7972A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
7973 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
7974%
7975A Parable of Modern Research:
7976
7977 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
7978brightly lit corner.
7979 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
7980 "I can only see here."
7981%
7982A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
7983 -- William S. Burroughs
7984%
7985A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
7986 -- Gloria Steinem
7987%
7988A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
7989%
7990"A penny for your thoughts?"
7991"A dollar for your death."
7992 -- The Odd Couple
7993%
7994A penny saved has not been spent.
7995%
7996A penny saved is a penny taxed.
7997%
7998A penny saved is ridiculous.
7999%
8000A penny saved kills your career in government.
8001%
8002A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
8003govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
8004on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
8005itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
8006manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
8007 -- Anatole France
8008%
8009A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
8010who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
8011speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
8012unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
8013 -- Thackeray
8014%
8015A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
8016%
8017A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
8018%
8019A person who has both feet planted firmly
8020in the air can be safely called a liberal.
8021%
8022A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
8023A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
8024%
8025A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
8026schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
8027 -- Donald Knuth
8028%
8029A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
8030 -- Elbert Hubbard
8031%
8032A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
8033 -- George Wald
8034%
8035A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
8036gets out and goes into the office.
8037 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
8038 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
8039 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
8040check."
8041 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
8042truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
8043acceptable.
8044 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
8045 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
8046check," he says.
8047 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
8048conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
8049"we're building a house".
8050%
8051A pig is a jolly companion,
8052Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
8053A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
8054Though mountains may topple and tilt.
8055When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
8056When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
8057Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
8058You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
8059You'll never go wrong with a pig!
8060 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
8061%
8062A pipe gives a wise man time to think
8063and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
8064%
8065A place for everything and everything in its place.
8066 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
8067
8068 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
8069 referring to memory management system services.]
8070%
8071A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
8072 -- Stanley Baldwin
8073%
8074A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
8075contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
8076edible nutriments.
8077%
8078A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
8079%
8080A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
8081%
8082A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
8083about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
8084money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
8085finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
8086 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
8087 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
8088the teller says.
8089 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
8090 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
8091to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
8092 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
8093 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
8094paycheck?"
8095 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
8096%
8097A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
8098but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
8099 -- Jean Paul Sartre
8100%
8101A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
8102 -- Walt Kelly
8103%
8104A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
8105%
8106"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
8107 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
8108%
8109A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
8110Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
8111But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
8112 -- Lazarus Long
8113%
8114A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
8115 -- K. Brecher
8116%
8117A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
8118last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
8119of yours to press against my heart.
8120 -- Goethe
8121%
8122A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
8123%
8124A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
8125Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
8126%
8127A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
8128
8129And he answered:
8130
8131It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
8132
8133It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
8134
8135It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
8136upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
8137to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
8138
8139And that is Fate? said the priest.
8140
8141Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
8142
8143That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
8144too.
8145 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
8146%
8147A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
8148 -- George Eliot
8149%
8150A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
8151asks you not to kill him.
8152 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
8153%
8154A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
8155 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8156%
8157A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
8158%
8159A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
8160being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
8161incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
8162assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
8163and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
8164dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
8165annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
8166unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
8167 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
8168%
8169A programming language is low level
8170when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
8171%
8172A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
8173drink with -- even if he drank.
8174 -- Mencken
8175%
8176A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
8177watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
8178looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
8179tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
8180they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
8181by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
8182killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
8183could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
8184emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
8185the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
8186%
8187A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
8188getting more sex than you are.
8189 -- Victor Lownes
8190%
8191A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
8192by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
8193 -- Aristotle
8194%
8195A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
8196your wife asks you for nothing.
8197 -- Joey Adams
8198%
8199A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
8200your wife will give you for free.
8201%
8202A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
8203too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
8204was intended for her preservation.
8205 -- Colton
8206%
8207A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
8208"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
8209the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
8210to make a travesty of the game.
8211 -- Donald A. Metz
8212%
8213A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
8214over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
8215 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
8216Bishop."
8217 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
8218 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
8219might be made an Archbishop."
8220 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
8221 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
8222 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
8223 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
8224be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
8225 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
8226up from being the Pope?"
8227 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
8228 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
8229%
8230A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
8231blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
8232 -- Steel City News
8233%
8234A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
8235entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
8236 -- Saul Alinsky
8237%
8238"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
8239%
8240A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
8241
8242Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
8243"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
8244bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
8245lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
8246breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
8247Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of
8248the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt
8249thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
8250proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being
8251the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
8252Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
8253shall snuff it."
8254 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
8255%
8256A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
8257his neighbor notice it.
8258 -- Trygve Lie
8259%
8260A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
8261commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
8262 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
8263the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
8264field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
8265room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
8266beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
8267 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
8268looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
8269obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
8270%
8271A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
8272A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
8273%
8274A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
8275 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
8276%
8277A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
8278ticket and rejoices that the system works.
8279%
8280A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
8281objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
8282scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
8283needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
8284%
8285A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
8286help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this
8287out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
8288pub!"
8289%
8290A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
8291people what to do with their money.
8292 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
8293%
8294A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
8295 -- Ramsey Clark
8296%
8297A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
8298not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
8299rosewater.
8300%
8301A robin redbreast in a cage
8302Puts all Heaven in a rage.
8303 -- Blake
8304%
8305A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
8306man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
8307 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
8308%
8309A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
8310%
8311A rolling stone gathers momentum.
8312%
8313A rolling stone gathers no moss.
8314 -- Publilius Syrus
8315%
8316A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
8317demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
8318holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
8319Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
8320 -- Plutarch
8321%
8322A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
8323weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
8324banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
8325The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
8326the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
8327is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
8328monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
8329plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
8330weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
8331the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
8332was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
8333will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
8334as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
8335was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
8336when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
8337%
8338A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
8339PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
8340Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
8341with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
8342joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
8343drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
8344up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
8345good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
8346true. I'm very good in beds as well."
8347%
8348A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
8349If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
8350 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
8351%
8352A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
8353%
8354A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
8355Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
8356 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
8357
8358I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
8359 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
8360 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
8361 on Broadway".
8362%
8363A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
8364vocation?"
8365 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
8366their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
8367the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
8368such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
8369their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
8370the vocation must fit the individual.
8371 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
8372scholar sobbed.
8373 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
8374%
8375A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
8376making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
8377die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
8378 -- Max Planck
8379%
8380A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
8381the vexation of thinking.
8382 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
8383%
8384A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
8385of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
8386water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
8387of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
8388
8389It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
8390recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
8391ground.
8392 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
8393%
8394A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
8395him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
8396worth committing.
8397 -- Samuel Butler
8398%
8399A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
8400 -- Don Marquis
8401%
8402A Severe Strain on the Credulity
8403 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
8404highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
8405is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
8406multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
8407for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
8408flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
8409charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
8410Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
8411know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
8412better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
8413lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
8414 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
8415%
8416A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
8417thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
8418problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
8419aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
8420away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
8421participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
8422will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
8423men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
8424idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
8425the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
8426submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
8427is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
8428 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
8429%
8430A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
8431 -- Prof. Steiner
8432%
8433A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
8434 -- Joseph Stalin
8435%
8436A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
8437All tenderly his messenger he chose;
8438Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
8439One perfect rose.
8440
8441I knew the language of the floweret;
8442"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
8443Love long has taken for his amulet
8444One perfect rose.
8445
8446Why is it no one ever sent me yet
8447One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
8448Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
8449One perfect rose.
8450 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
8451%
8452A sinking ship gathers no moss.
8453 -- Donald Kaul
8454%
8455A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
8456%
8457A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
8458%
8459A snake lurks in the grass.
8460 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
8461%
8462A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
8463African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
8464Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
8465%
8466A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
8467the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
8468which is on its way out.
8469 -- L. Ron Hubbard
8470%
8471A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
8472 -- Proverbs 15:1
8473%
8474A soft drink turneth away company.
8475%
8476A song in time is worth a dime.
8477%
8478A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
8479family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
8480when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
8481and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
8482 "How are you?" they ask.
8483 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
8484 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
8485 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
8486that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
8487he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
8488dollars."
8489 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
8490Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
8491at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
8492enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
8493"Where's Old Blue?"
8494 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
8495talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
8496well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
8497that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
8498years?'"
8499 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
8500%
8501A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
8502%
8503A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
8504 -- Harry S. Truman
8505%
8506A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
8507probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
8508the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
8509Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
8510%
8511A stitch in time saves nine.
8512%
8513"...A strange enigma is man!"
8514"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
8515 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
8516that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
8517becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
8518any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
8519will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
8520the statistician."
8521 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
8522%
8523A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
8524 -- O'Henry
8525%
8526A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
8527bad measures.
8528 -- Daniel Webster
8529%
8530A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
8531As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
8532student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
8533the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
8534the student with a stick.
8535%
8536A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
8537%
8538A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
8539%
8540A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
8541undreamed of by its author.
8542 -- S. C. Johnson
8543%
8544A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
8545thought of.
8546 -- Burt Bacharach
8547%
8548A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
8549Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
8550other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
8551new versions of their own innards!
8552 -- Michael O'Brien
8553%
8554A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8555 -- by Charles Dickens
8556
8557 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
8558
8559The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
8560 -- by Franz Kafka
8561
8562 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
8563
8564Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
8565 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
8566
8567 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
8568
8569Hamlet LITE(tm)
8570 -- by Wm. Shakespeare
8571
8572 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
8573 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
8574%
8575A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8576 -- by Charles Dickens
8577
8578 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
8579 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
8580 lady who knits.
8581
8582Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
8583 -- by Fyodor Dostoevski
8584
8585 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
8586 feels guilty and apologizes.
8587
8588The Odyssey LITE(tm)
8589 -- by Homer
8590
8591 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
8592%
8593A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
8594%
8595A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
8596%
8597A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
8598 -- Michael Winner, British film director
8599%
8600A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
8601of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
8602*Boston*."
8603 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
8604 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
8605help?"
8606%
8607A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
8608 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
8609%
8610A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
8611 -- Diane Duane
8612%
8613A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
8614and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8615 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8616%
8617A transistor protected by a fast-acting
8618fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
8619%
8620A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
8621wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
8622Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
8623sitting in the yard watching the pig.
8624 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
8625 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
8626was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
8627pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
8628 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
8629 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
8630the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
8631That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
8632Saved my life."
8633 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
8634three wooden legs?"
8635 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
8636got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
8637%
8638A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
8639triangle.
8640%
8641A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
8642drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
8643 -- Shaw
8644%
8645A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8646%
8647A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8648%
8649A truth that's told with bad intent
8650Beats all the lies you can invent.
8651 -- William Blake
8652%
8653A university is what a college becomes
8654when the faculty loses interest in students.
8655 -- John Ciardi
8656%
8657"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
8658 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
8659%
8660A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
8661Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
8662 She found a good way
8663 To combine work and play:
8664She sells C shells by the seashore.
8665%
8666A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
8667than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
8668 -- Tennessee Williams
8669%
8670A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
8671 -- Samuel Goldwyn
8672%
8673A very intelligent turtle
8674Found programming UNIX a hurdle
8675 The system, you see,
8676 Ran as slow as did he,
8677And that's not saying much for the turtle.
8678%
8679A violent man will die a violent death.
8680 -- Lao Tsu
8681%
8682A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
8683%
8684A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
8685%
8686A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
8687%
8688A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
8689 -- Ziggy
8690%
8691A watched clock never boils.
8692%
8693A well adjusted person is one who makes
8694the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
8695%
8696A well-known friend is a treasure.
8697%
8698A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
8699A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
8700Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
8701Software rots if not used.
8702
8703These are great mysteries.
8704 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
8705%
8706A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
8707 -- Addison
8708%
8709A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
8710*for the rest of your life*.
8711 -- Jim Samuels
8712%
8713A wise man can see more from a mountain top
8714than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
8715%
8716A wise man can see more from the bottom
8717of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
8718%
8719A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
8720 -- Chinese proverb
8721%
8722A witty saying proves nothing.
8723 -- Voltaire
8724%
8725A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
8726people's attention.
8727%
8728A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
8729let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
8730there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
8731completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
8732beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
8733It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
8734near your person at all times.
8735 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
8736%
8737A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
8738were quite a struggle.
8739 -- Edna Ferber
8740%
8741A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
8742%
8743A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
8744To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
8745 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
8746%
8747A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
8748 -- Scott
8749%
8750A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
8751of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
8752 -- Jane Austen
8753%
8754A woman forgives the audacity of which
8755her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
8756 -- LeSage
8757%
8758A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
8759thankful for a good one.
8760 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
8761%
8762A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
8763she follows.
8764 -- Chamfort
8765%
8766A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
8767it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
8768 -- Nietzsche
8769%
8770A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
8771and stupid.
8772 -- Adolf Hitler
8773%
8774A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
8775over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
8776pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
8777 -- Stendhal
8778%
8779A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
8780physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
8781when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
8782 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
8783%
8784A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
8785 -- Maurine Lewis
8786%
8787A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
8788came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
8789 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
8790 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
8791(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
8792 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
8793one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
8794a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
8795the circumstances.
8796 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
8797phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
8798an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
8799his head!"
8800 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
8801up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
8802surprise for you!"
8803 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
8804%
8805A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8806 -- Gloria Steinem
8807%
8808A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8809Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
8810%
8811A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
8812 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
8813%
8814A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
8815%
8816A word to the wise is enough.
8817 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8818%
8819A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
8820that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
8821watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
8822myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
8823and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
8824"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
8825to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
8826%
8827A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
8828what he writes fiction.
8829 -- William Faulkner
8830%
8831A yawn is a silent shout.
8832 -- G. K. Chesterton
8833%
8834A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
8835%
8836A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
8837bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
8838 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
8839%
8840A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
8841a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
8842have that!" she gushed.
8843 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
8844window and grabbing the ring.
8845 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
8846I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
8847 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
8848the coat.
8849 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
8850anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
8851 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
8852%
8853A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
8854walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
8855woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
8856says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
8857allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
8858 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
8859pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
8860 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
8861 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
8862I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
8863 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
8864calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
8865at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
8866can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
8867 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
8868of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
8869 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
8870The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
8871you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
8872 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
8873terrific weekend."
8874%
8875A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
8876
8877Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
8878 suggestions as to how to get started?"
8879A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
8880 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
8881Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
8882A: "But I never asked anybody how."
8883%
8884A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
8885%
8886AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
8887You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
8888%
8889Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
8890%
8891Abbott's Admonitions:
8892 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
8893 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
8894 the question.
8895 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
8896%
8897Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
8898on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
8899%
8900Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
8901Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
8902And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
8903Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
8904An angel writing in a book of gold.
8905Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
8906And to the presence in the room he said,
8907"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
8908And with a look made of all sweet accord,
8909Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
8910"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
8911Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
8912But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
8913Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
8914The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
8915It came again with a great wakening light,
8916And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
8917And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
8918 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
8919%
8920About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
8921%
8922About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
8923%
8924About the only thing we have left that actually
8925discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
8926%
8927About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
8928 -- Herbert Hoover
8929%
8930About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
8931ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
8932 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8933%
8934Above all else - sky.
8935%
8936Above all things, reverence yourself.
8937%
8938Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
8939%
8940abscond, v:
8941 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
8942 and miss the return train.
8943%
8944Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
8945great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
8946 -- La Rochefoucauld
8947%
8948Absence in love is like water upon fire;
8949a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
8950 -- Hannah More
8951%
8952Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
8953it enkindles the great.
8954%
8955Absence makes the heart forget.
8956%
8957Absence makes the heart go wander.
8958%
8959Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
8960 -- Sextus Aurelius
8961%
8962Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
8963%
8964Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
8965%
8966Absent, adj.:
8967 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
8968slandered.
8969%
8970Absentee, n.:
8971 A person with an income who has had the forethought
8972 to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
8973 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8974%
8975Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
8976%
8977Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
8978 -- Stafford Beer
8979%
8980Abstainer, n.:
8981 A weak person who yields to the
8982 temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
8983 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8984%
8985Abstract:
8986 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
8987of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
8988and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
8989men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
8990their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
8991evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
8992test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
8993performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
8994immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
8995 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
8996 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
8997 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
8998%
8999Absurdity, n.:
9000 A statement or belief manifestly
9001 inconsistent with one's own opinion.
9002 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9003%
9004Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
9005because the stakes are so low.
9006 -- Wallace Sayre
9007%
9008Academicians care, that's who.
9009%
9010ACADEMY:
9011 A modern school where football is taught.
9012INSTITUTE:
9013 An archaic school where football is not taught.
9014%
9015Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
9016%
9017Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
9018%
9019ACCEPTANCE TESTING:
9020 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
9021%
9022Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
9023religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
9024Western science.
9025 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
9026%
9027Accident:
9028 A condition in which presence of mind is good,
9029 but absence of body is better.
9030 -- Foolish Dictionary
9031%
9032Accident, n.:
9033 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
9034body is better.
9035%
9036Accidentally Shot
9037 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
9038in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
9039bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
9040Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
9041 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
9042%
9043Accidents cause History.
9044
9045If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
9046Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
9047have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
9048could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
9049the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
9050 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9051%
9052According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
9053everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
9054national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
9055smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
9056most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
9057that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
9058Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
9059parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
9060decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
9061a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
9062sheepish grin" comes from.
9063%
9064According to all the latest reports,
9065there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
9066%
9067According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
9068shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
9069fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
9070of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
9071the returns."
9072%
9073According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
9074and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
9075and a void.
9076 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
9077%
9078According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
9079 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
9080%
9081According to the latest official figures,
908243% of all statistics are totally worthless.
9083%
9084According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
9085dies.
9086%
9087According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
9088America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
9089Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
9090beat up their city anytime.
9091 -- David Letterman
9092%
9093Accordion, n.:
9094 A bagpipe with pleats.
9095%
9096Accuracy, n.:
9097 The vice of being right
9098%
9099Acid -- better living through chemistry.
9100%
9101Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
9102%
9103Acquaintance, n:
9104 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
9105 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
9106 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
9107 -- Ambrose Bierce
9108%
9109Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
9110%
9111Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
9112and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
9113well, I think of my sex life.
9114 -- Glenda Jackson
9115%
9116Actor Real Name
9117
9118Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
9119Cary Grant Archibald Leach
9120Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
9121Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
9122John Wayne Marion Morrison
9123Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
9124Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
9125Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
9126Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
9127%
9128Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
9129 everyone glued in their seats!"
9130Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
9131 it!"
9132%
9133Actor: So what do you do for a living?
9134Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
9135 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
9136 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
9137%
9138Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
9139%
9140Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
9141 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford,
9142 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
9143%
9144Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
9145%
9146Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
9147will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
9148
9149N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
9150 only have one floor to go to.
9151
9152Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
9153 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
9154 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
9155 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
9156 it is true for all N+1 floors.
9157QED.
9158%
9159Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
9160%
9161ADA:
9162 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
9163 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
9164 an ADA awareness.
9165 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
9166%
9167Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
9168[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
9169 -- Ovid
9170%
9171Adding features does not necessarily increase
9172functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
9173%
9174Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
9175 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
9176
9177Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
9178close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
9179scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
9180 -- George Washington, 1732-1799
9181%
9182Adding sound to movies would be like
9183putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
9184 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
9185%
9186Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
9187something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
9188decorous age.
9189 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
9190%
9191Adler's Distinction:
9192 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
9193 and from the bureaucrats.
9194%
9195Admiration, n.:
9196 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
9197 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9198%
9199Adolescence, n.:
9200 The stage between puberty and adultery.
9201%
9202"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
9203like you ..."
9204 -- Gilda Radner
9205%
9206Adore, v.:
9207 To venerate expectantly.
9208 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9209%
9210Adult, n.:
9211 One old enough to know better.
9212%
9213Adults die young.
9214%
9215Advancement in position.
9216%
9217Advertisements contain the only
9218truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
9219 -- Thomas Jefferson
9220%
9221Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
9222way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
9223 -- Sinclair Lewis
9224%
9225Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
9226 -- George Orwell
9227%
9228Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
9229intelligence long enough to get money from it.
9230%
9231Advertising Rule:
9232 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
9233 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
9234 that it is curable.
9235%
9236Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
9237%
9238Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
9239%
9240Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
9241then at least be aseptic.
9242%
9243African violet: Such worth is rare
9244Apple blossom: Preference
9245Bachelor's button: Celibacy
9246Bay leaf: I change but in death
9247Camelia: Reflected loveliness
9248Chrysanthemum, red: I love
9249Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
9250Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
9251Clover: Be mine
9252Crocus: Abuse not
9253Daffodil: Innocence
9254Forget-me-not: True love
9255Fuchsia: Fast
9256Gardenia: Secret, untold love
9257Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
9258Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
9259Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
9260Leaves (dead): Melancholy
9261Lilac: Youthful innocence
9262Lilly: Purity, sweetness
9263Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness
9264Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
9265 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
9266%
9267After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
9268comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
9269except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
9270is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
9271under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
9272permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
9273especially that which is prohibited.
9274 -- Newton Minow, 1985,
9275 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools
9276%
9277After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
9278It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
9279more advanced than the lichen family.
9280 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
9281%
9282After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
9283%
9284After a while you learn the subtle difference
9285Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
9286And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
9287And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
9288And presents aren't promises
9289And you begin to accept your defeats
9290With your head up and your eyes open,
9291With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
9292And you learn to build all your roads
9293On today because tomorrow's ground
9294Is too uncertain. And futures have
9295A way of falling down in midflight,
9296After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
9297So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
9298For someone to bring you flowers.
9299And you learn that you really can endure...
9300That you really are strong,
9301And you really do have worth
9302And you learn and learn
9303With every goodbye you learn.
9304 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
9305%
9306After all, all he did was string together
9307a lot of old, well-known quotations.
9308 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
9309%
9310After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
9311%
9312After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
9313 -- Jean Giraudoux
9314%
9315After all my erstwhile dear,
9316My no longer cherished,
9317Need we say it was not love,
9318Just because it perished?
9319 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
9320%
9321After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
9322you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
9323sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
9324 -- P. J. O'Rourke
9325%
9326After an instrument has been assembled,
9327extra components will be found on the bench.
9328%
9329After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
9330month than you did before.
9331%
9332After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
9333have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
9334James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
9335electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
9336is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
9337of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
9338though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
9339Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
9340medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
9341seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
9342watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
9343that it sinks like a stone.
9344 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9345%
9346After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
9347claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
9348in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
9349bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
9350judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
9351 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
9352Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
9353this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
9354take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
9355perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
9356 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
9357Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
9358where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
9359%
9360"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
9361the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
9362cost to others, to win advancement."
9363 -- Norman Thomas
9364%
9365After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
9366%
9367After living in New York, you trust nobody,
9368but you believe everything. Just in case.
9369%
9370...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
9371Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
9372I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
9373and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
9374Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
9375did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
9376development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
9377one foot in his mouth.)
9378 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
9379%
9380After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
9381 -- Italian proverb
9382%
9383After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
9384by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
9385with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
9386carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
9387 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
9388%
9389After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
9390cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
9391%
9392After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
9393throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
9394Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
9395at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
9396his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
9397with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
9398that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
9399Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
9400first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
9401single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
9402According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
9403the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
9404charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
9405 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
9406
9407Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
9408precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
9409Nobel Prize in 1923.
9410%
9411After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
9412the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
9413the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
9414any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
9415deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
9416
9417The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
9418Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
9419But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
9420or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
9421burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
9422neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
9423oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
9424
9425Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
9426straight to the point.
9427 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
9428%
9429After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
9430indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
9431%
9432After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
9433%
9434Afternoon, n.:
9435 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
9436morning.
9437%
9438Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
9439%
9440Against Idleness and Mischief
9441
9442How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
9443Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
9444And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
9445From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
9446
9447In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
9448I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
9449For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
9450For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
9451 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
9452%
9453Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
9454 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
9455%
9456Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
9457%
9458Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
9459 -- Dorothy Parker
9460%
9461Age is a tyrant who forbids,
9462at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
9463%
9464Age, n.:
9465 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
9466still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
9467to commit.
9468 -- Ambrose Bierce
9469%
9470Agnes' Law:
9471 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
9472%
9473Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
9474%
9475Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
9476Or what's a heaven for ?
9477 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
9478%
9479Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
9480there's the rub.
9481
9482For all dreams are not equal,
9483some exit to nightmare
9484most end with the dreamer
9485
9486But at least one must be lived ... and died.
9487%
9488Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
9489"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
9490And I answer them most mysteriously:
9491"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
9492 -- Bob Dylan
9493%
9494Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
9495%
9496Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
9497%
9498Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
9499%
9500"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
9501Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
9502that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
9503unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
9504up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
9505 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
9506%
9507Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
9508%
9509Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
9510excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
9511%
9512Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
9513Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
9514Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
9515Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
9516%
9517Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
9518 -- W. Clement Stone
9519%
9520Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
9521 -- The Mad Dogtender
9522%
9523Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
9524bring me a message from a young man.
9525 -- Moms Mabley
9526%
9527"Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
9528Kansas City."
9529 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
9530 been traded.
9531%
9532AIR:
9533 A nutritious substance supplied by
9534 a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
9535 -- Ambrose Bierce
9536%
9537Air Force Inertia Axiom:
9538 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
9539%
9540Air is water with holes in it.
9541%
9542Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
9543%
9544Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
9545 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
9546 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
9547%
9548Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
9549 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
9550%
9551Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
9552machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
9553as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
9554 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9555%
9556Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
9557 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
9558%
9559Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
9560 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
9561%
9562ALASKA:
9563 A prelude to "No."
9564%
9565Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
9566or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
9567a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
9568Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
9569 -- Tom Robbins
9570%
9571Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
9572telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
9573York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
9574And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
9575receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
9576%
9577ALBRECHT'S LAW:
9578 Social innovations tend to the level
9579 of minimum tolerable well-being.
9580%
9581Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
9582The surest poison is time.
9583 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
9584%
9585Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
9586 -- George Bernard Shaw
9587%
9588Alden's Laws:
9589 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
9590 of pregnancy.
9591 (2) Always be backlit.
9592 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
9593%
9594Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
9595Aleph-null bottles of beer,
9596You take one down, and pass it around,
9597Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
9598%
9599Alex Haley was adopted!
9600%
9601Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
9602in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
9603%
9604Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
9605the closest our country has ever been to being even.
9606 -- The Best of Will Rogers
9607%
9608Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
9609 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
9610%
9611Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
9612important programming language yet developed.
9613 -- T. Cheatham
9614%
9615ALGORITHM:
9616 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
9617%
9618Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
9619%
9620Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
9621them keeps paying for it.
9622 -- Peggy Joyce
9623%
9624Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
9625 -- Arthur Baer
9626%
9627Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
9628 -- Norman Mailer
9629%
9630Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
9631%
9632Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
9633%
9634Alive without breath,
9635As cold as death;
9636Never thirsty, ever drinking,
9637All in mail ever clinking.
9638%
9639All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
9640%
9641All art is but imitation of nature.
9642 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
9643%
9644All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
9645 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
9646 Catiline", by Sallust
9647%
9648All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
9649than others.
9650 -- Alan Truscott
9651%
9652All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
9653 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
9654%
9655All constants are variables.
9656%
9657All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
9658 -- Chou En Lai
9659%
9660All extremists should be taken out and shot.
9661%
9662All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
9663without thinking.
9664%
9665All flesh is grass.
9666 -- Isaiah
9667Smoke a friend today.
9668%
9669All generalizations are false, including this one.
9670 -- Mark Twain
9671%
9672All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
9673barely presentable.
9674 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
9675%
9676All Gods were immortal.
9677 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
9678%
9679All great discoveries are made by mistake.
9680 -- Young
9681%
9682All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
9683%
9684All heiresses are beautiful.
9685 -- John Dryden
9686%
9687All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
9688to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
9689 -- Yoda
9690%
9691All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
9692 -- Dante Alighieri
9693%
9694All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
9695%
9696All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
9697importance.
9698%
9699All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
9700by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
9701%
9702All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
9703ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
9704 -- Kingfish
9705%
9706All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
9707makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
9708an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
9709 -- Samuel Beckett
9710%
9711All I need to have a good time,
9712Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9713With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
9714A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9715
9716All I want is to never grow old,
9717I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9718I want 97 kilos already rolled,
9719I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9720
9721I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
9722I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9723I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
9724I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9725 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
9726%
9727All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
9728 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
9729%
9730All intelligent species own cats.
9731%
9732All is fear in love and war.
9733%
9734All is well that ends well.
9735 -- John Heywood
9736%
9737All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
9738throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
9739practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
9740Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
9741that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
9742that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
9743%
9744All kings is mostly rapscallions.
9745 --Mark Twain
9746%
9747All laws are simulations of reality.
9748 -- John C. Lilly
9749%
9750All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
9751 -- Dawkins
9752%
9753All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
9754Socrates.
9755 -- Woody Allen
9756%
9757All men have the right to wait in line.
9758%
9759All men know the utility of useful things;
9760but they do not know the utility of futility.
9761 -- Chuang-tzu
9762%
9763All men profess honesty as long as they can.
9764To believe all men honest would be folly.
9765To believe none so is something worse.
9766 -- John Quincy Adams
9767%
9768All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
9769a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
9770Definitely a dog.
9771%
9772All most people ask of life is a constant
9773and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
9774%
9775All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
9776%
9777All my friends and I are crazy.
9778That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
9779%
9780All my friends are getting married,
9781Yes, they're all growing old,
9782They're all staying home on the weekend,
9783They're all doing what they're told.
9784%
9785All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
9786 -- Jane Wagner
9787%
9788ALL NEW:
9789 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
9790%
9791All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
9792the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
9793%
9794All of the animals except man know that
9795the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
9796%
9797All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
9798synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
9799rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
9800of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
9801 -- Stephen Wright
9802%
9803All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
9804 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
9805%
9806All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
9807Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
9808tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
9809"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
9810 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
9811%
9812All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
9813the United States.
9814 -- Vic Gold
9815%
9816All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
9817parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
9818can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
9819not use a hammer.
9820 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
9821%
9822All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
9823 -- Groucho Marx
9824%
9825All phone calls are obscene.
9826 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
9827%
9828All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
9829 -- Susan Sontag
9830%
9831All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
9832%
9833All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
9834those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
9835of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
9836goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
9837and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
9838the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
9839the last bug."
9840 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
9841%
9842All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
9843%
9844All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
9845to live beyond its income.
9846 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
9847%
9848All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
9849 -- Ernest Rutherford
9850%
9851All seems condemned in the long run
9852to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
9853 -- James Martin
9854%
9855All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
9856 -- Saint Patrick
9857%
9858All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
9859%
9860All that glitters has a high refractive index.
9861%
9862All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
9863%
9864All that is gold does not glitter,
9865Not all those who wander are lost;
9866The old that is strong does not wither,
9867Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
9868From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
9869A light from the shadows shall spring;
9870Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
9871The crownless again shall be king.
9872 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
9873%
9874All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
9875too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
9876subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
9877can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
9878Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
9879decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
9880if it rains?"
9881 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
9882%
9883All the evidence concerning the universe
9884has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
9885%
9886All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
9887It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
9888With all the words gone, They all had their day
9889What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
9890
9891But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
9892And all the lines read, So small and so tender
9893There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
9894And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
9895
9896It reminds me of days of So what is this line
9897Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
9898It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
9899And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
9900
9901I've read all the greats
9902Both starving and fat,
9903But none was as great as
9904"I tot I taw a puddy tat."
9905 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
9906%
9907All the men on my staff can type.
9908 -- Bella Abzug
9909%
9910...all the modern inconveniences...
9911 -- Mark Twain
9912%
9913All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
9914ridiculous ones.
9915 -- La Rochefoucauld
9916%
9917All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
9918 -- Grant Wood
9919%
9920All the simple programs have been written.
9921%
9922All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
9923the government in less than a second.
9924 -- Jim Fiebig
9925%
9926All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
9927%
9928All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
9929 -- Sean O'Casey
9930%
9931All the world's a VAX,
9932And all the coders merely butchers;
9933They have their exits and their entrails;
9934And one int in his time plays many widths,
9935His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant,
9936Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
9937And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
9938And shining morning face, creeping like slug
9939Unwillingly to school.
9940 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
9941%
9942All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
9943and all theoretical chemists know it.
9944 -- Richard P. Feynman
9945%
9946All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
9947%
9948All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
9949%
9950All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
9951 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
9952%
9953All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
9954it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
9955 -- Henry Tyroon
9956%
9957All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
9958%
9959All warranty and guarantee clauses
9960become null and void upon payment of invoice.
9961%
9962All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
9963infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
9964which he was born.
9965 -- Francois Fenelon
9966%
9967All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
9968other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
9969This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
9970our lives."
9971 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
9972%
9973All who joy would win Must share it --
9974Happiness was born a twin.
9975 -- Lord Byron
9976%
9977All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
9978%
9979All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
9980upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
9981visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
9982informing, stimulating and ennobling.
9983 -- H. L. Mencken
9984%
9985Allen's Axiom:
9986 When all else fails, read the instructions.
9987%
9988Alliance, n.:
9989 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
9990their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
9991separately plunder a third.
9992 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9993%
9994All's well that ends.
9995%
9996Almost anything derogatory you could say
9997about today's software design would be accurate.
9998 -- K. E. Iverson
9999%
10000Alone, adj.:
10001 In bad company.
10002 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10003%
10004Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
10005to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
10006%
10007alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
10008ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
10009baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
10010Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
10011baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
10012beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
10013 found in baas.
10014caaa, n: An automobile.
10015centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
10016 someone involved with the Knicks.)
10017chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
10018dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
10019 computation.
10020 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
10021%
10022Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
10023Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
10024 -- Dave Barry
10025%
10026Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
10027buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
10028Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
10029reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
10030 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
10031bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
10032"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
10033 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
10034%
10035Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
10036%
10037Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
10038mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
10039any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
10040to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
10041Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
10042serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
10043same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
10044that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
10045penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
10046running the post office.
10047 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
10048%
10049Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
10050reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
10051life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
10052minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
10053apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
10054of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
10055through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
10056those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
10057reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical
10058Gamekeeping."
10059 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959
10060%
10061Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
10062%
10063Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
10064 -- Mark Twain
10065%
10066Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
10067%
10068Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
10069%
10070Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
10071%
10072Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
10073 -- Jimmy Hoffa
10074%
10075Always store beer in a dark place.
10076%
10077Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
10078 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
10079%
10080Always there remain portions of our heart
10081into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
10082%
10083Always think of something new; this
10084helps you forget your last rotten idea.
10085 -- Seth Frankel
10086%
10087"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
10088that way."
10089%
10090Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
10091%
10092AMAZING BUT TRUE...
10093 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
10094 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
10095%
10096AMAZING BUT TRUE...
10097 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
10098 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
10099%
10100Ambidextrous, adj.:
10101 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
10102 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10103%
10104AMBIGUITY:
10105 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
10106%
10107Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
10108 -- Charlie McCarthy
10109%
10110Ambition, n:
10111 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
10112 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
10113 -- Ambrose Bierce
10114%
10115America: born free and taxed to death.
10116%
10117America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
10118 -- Oscar Wilde
10119%
10120America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
10121 -- Allen Ginsberg
10122%
10123America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
10124and the scum rises to the top.
10125 -- Utah Phillips
10126%
10127America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
10128 -- President John F. Kennedy
10129
10130The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
10131be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
10132living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
10133Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
10134 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
10135
10136The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
10137from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
10138to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
10139Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
10140of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
10141by the majority they were at the time.
10142 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
10143%
10144America is the country where you buy a lifetime
10145supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
10146%
10147America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
10148from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
10149 -- John O'Hara
10150%
10151America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
10152people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
10153name to "America".
10154 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
10155%
10156America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
10157%
10158American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
10159employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
10160employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
10161between the men's room and the women's room without having little
10162pictures on the doors.
10163 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
10164%
10165American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
10166%
10167American cars are made shoddily...
10168Cars made overseas are far superior.
10169 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater
10170%
10171[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
10172we allow them short of hanging.
10173 -- Samuel Johnson
10174
10175America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
10176tail it knocks over a chair.
10177 -- Arnold Toynbee
10178
10179The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
10180everybody and still nobody likes him.
10181 -- Jim Samuels
10182%
10183Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
10184%
10185Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
10186to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
10187 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
10188%
10189America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
10190%
10191Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
10192%
10193AMOEBIT:
10194 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
10195 and divide at the same time.
10196%
10197Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
10198 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
10199%
10200Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
10201%
10202An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
10203 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
10204%
10205An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
10206 -- Marlon Brando
10207%
10208An Ada exception is when a routine gets
10209in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
10210%
10211An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
10212%
10213An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
10214people refuse to see it.
10215 -- James Michener, "Space"
10216%
10217An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
10218his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
10219asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
10220 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
10221%
10222An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
10223 -- Dylan Thomas
10224%
10225An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
10226 -- D. E. Knuth
10227%
10228An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
10229to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
10230 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
10231%
10232An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
10233to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
10234and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
10235 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
10236 language.
10237%
10238An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
10239 -- A Chinese child
10240%
10241An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
10242winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
10243over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
10244open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
10245let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
10246 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
10247do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
10248Bohr chuckled.
10249 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
10250scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
10251that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
10252%
10253An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
10254about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
10255
10256American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
10257 get to work?"
10258Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
10259 transportation everywhere."
10260A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
10261R: "We take the train."
10262A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
10263R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
10264A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
10265R: "We take tanks."
10266%
10267An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
10268the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
10269%
10270An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
10271Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
10272new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
10273 -- David Letterman
10274%
10275An aphorism is never exactly true;
10276it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
10277 -- Karl Kraus
10278%
10279An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
10280him last.
10281 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
10282%
10283An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
10284%
10285An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
10286%
10287An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
10288%
10289An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
10290%
10291An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
10292 -- Isaac Asimov
10293%
10294An attachment a la Plato
10295for a bashful young potato
10296or a, not too French, french bean
10297must excite your languid spleen.
10298For, if you walk down Picadilly
10299with a poppy or lily
10300in your medieval hand,
10301every one will say,
10302as you walk your flowery way;
10303"If this young man is content,
10304with a vegetable love
10305which would certainly not content me.
10306Why, what a very pure young man
10307this pure young man must be!"
10308 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
10309 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]
10310%
10311An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
10312murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
10313mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
10314Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
10315suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
10316murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
10317%
10318An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
10319really care to know.
10320%
10321An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
10322%
10323An economist is a man who would marry
10324Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
10325%
10326An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
10327 -- Adlai Stevenson
10328%
10329An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
10330%
10331An efficient and a successful administration manifests
10332itself equally in small as in great matters.
10333 -- Winston Churchill
10334%
10335An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
10336in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
10337 -- Homer Ferguson
10338%
10339An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
10340when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
10341several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
10342despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
10343usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
10344 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
10345barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
10346I've already paid them half of it."
10347 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
10348euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
10349%
10350An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
10351%
10352An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
10353anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
10354already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
10355engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
10356the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
10357has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
10358mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
10359was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
10360humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
10361trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
10362%
10363An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
10364%
10365An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
10366summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
10367arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
10368responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
10369%
10370An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
10371 -- A. P. Herbert
10372%
10373An evil mind is a great comfort.
10374%
10375An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
10376a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
10377only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
10378Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
10379incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
10380excellence:
10381
10382"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
10383discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
10384to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
10385things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
10386parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
10387timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
10388doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
10389Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
10390school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
10391successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
10392they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
10393 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
10394%
10395An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
10396%
10397...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
10398picturesque liar.
10399 -- Mark Twain
10400%
10401An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
10402very narrow field.
10403 -- Niels Bohr
10404%
10405An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
10406as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
10407 -- Benjamin Stolberg
10408%
10409An expert is one who knows more and more about less
10410and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
10411%
10412An eye in a blue face
10413Saw an eye in a green face.
10414"That eye is like this eye"
10415Said the first eye,
10416"But in low place,
10417Not in high place."
10418%
10419An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
10420Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
10421A manly man, to be a wizard able;
10422Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
10423His console, when he typed, a man might hear
10424Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
10425Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
10426Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
10427The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
10428As old and strict he tended to ignore;
10429He let go by the things of yesterday
10430And took the modern world's more spacious way.
10431He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
10432Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
10433And that a hacker underworked is a mere
10434Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
10435That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
10436That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
10437And I agreed and said his views were sound;
10438Was he to study till his head wend round
10439Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
10440As Andy bade and till the very soil?
10441Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
10442Let Andy have his labor to himself!
10443 -- Chaucer
10444 [well, almost. Ed.]
10445%
10446An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
10447 -- Simon Cameron
10448
10449There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
10450bought they stay bought.
10451 -- Bill Moyers
10452%
10453An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
10454 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
10455%
10456An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
10457eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
10458possible.
10459 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
10460%
10461An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
10462%
10463An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
10464 -- Henry Ford
10465%
10466An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
10467%
10468An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
10469is to allow oneself to be devoured.
10470 -- Konrad Adenauer
10471%
10472An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
10473 -- Albert Camus
10474%
10475An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
10476each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
10477function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
10478by the corresponding row and column labels.
10479 -- Genesereth & Nilsson,
10480 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence"
10481%
10482An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
10483 -- Benjamin Franklin
10484%
10485An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
10486great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
10487a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
10488have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
10489hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
10490of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
10491 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
10492"Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
10493 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
10494strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
10495 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
10496man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
10497 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
10498 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
10499funeral."
10500%
10501An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
10502 -- Don Marquis
10503%
10504An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
10505A pessimist is a married optimist.
10506%
10507An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
10508%
10509An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
10510 -- Michael Korda
10511%
10512An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
10513 -- Spanish proverb
10514%
10515"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
10516%
10517Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
10518government at all.
10519%
10520And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
10521was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
10522Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
10523That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
10524I've worried and worried and worried away.
10525Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
10526I've worried about it with all of my heart.
10527
10528"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
10529the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
10530UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
10531nothing is going to get better - it's not.
10532So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
10533"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
10534
10535"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
10536And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
10537Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
10538Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
10539Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
10540Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
10541%
10542And as we stand on the edge of darkness
10543Let our chant fill the void
10544That others may know
10545
10546 In the land of the night
10547 The ship of the sun
10548 Is drawn by
10549 The grateful dead.
10550 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
10551%
10552And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
10553unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
10554bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
10555provideth that they are nice and fresh."
10556 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
10557%
10558And did those feet, in ancient times,
10559Walk upon England's mountains green?
10560And was the Holy Lamb of God
10561In England's pleasant pastures seen?
10562And did the Countenance Divine
10563Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
10564And was Jerusalem builded here
10565Among these dark satanic mills?
10566
10567Bring me my bow of burning gold!
10568Bring me my arrows of desire!
10569Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
10570Bring me my chariot of fire!
10571I shall not cease from mental fight,
10572Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
10573Till we have built Jerusalem
10574In England's green and pleasant land.
10575 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
10576%
10577And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
10578%
10579And ever has it been known that
10580love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
10581 -- Kahlil Gibran
10582%
10583And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
10584"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
10585to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
10586greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
10587spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
10588he shouted out, "YOPP!"
10589 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
10590Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
10591They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
10592I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
10593whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
10594 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
10595on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
10596them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
10597the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
10598them. No matter how small-ish!"
10599 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
10600%
10601And here I wait so patiently
10602Waiting to find out what price
10603You have to pay to get out of
10604Going thru all of these things twice
10605 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
10606%
10607And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
10608%
10609And I heard Jeff exclaim,
10610As they strolled out of sight,
10611"Merry Christmas to all --
10612You take credit cards, right?"
10613 -- "Outsiders" comic
10614%
10615And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
10616ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
10617little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
10618them, aren't braced against them.
10619 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
10620%
10621And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
10622My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
10623Addams -- he was good for nothing."
10624 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
10625%
10626And if California slides into the ocean,
10627Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
10628I predict this motel will be standing,
10629Until I've paid my bill.
10630 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
10631%
10632And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
10633"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
10634%
10635And if you wonder,
10636What I am doing,
10637As I am heading for the sink.
10638I am spitting out all the bitterness,
10639Along with half of my last drink.
10640%
10641And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
10642Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
10643 -- Joan Baez
10644%
10645And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
10646what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
10647 -- David Jones
10648%
10649And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
10650 -- A. E. Housman
10651%
10652And miles to go before I sleep.
10653%
10654And now for something completely the same.
10655%
10656And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
10657And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
10658The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
10659And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
10660
10661We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
10662The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
10663But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
10664Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
10665
10666Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
10667And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
10668Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
10669We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
10670
10671Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
10672We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
10673Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
10674You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
10675 hand...
10676%
10677And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
10678%
10679And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
10680%
10681...and report cards I was always afraid to show
10682Mama'd come to school
10683and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
10684Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
10685Got a good head if he'd apply it
10686but you know yourself
10687it's always somewhere else
10688I'd build me a castle
10689with dragons and kings
10690and I'd ride off with them
10691As I stood by my window
10692and looked out on those
10693Brooklyn roads
10694 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
10695%
10696And so it was, later,
10697As the miller told his tale,
10698That her face, at first just ghostly,
10699Turned a whiter shade of pale.
10700 -- Procol Harum
10701%
10702And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
10703fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
10704looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
10705approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
10706is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
10707of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
10708gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
10709procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
10710youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
10711Orson Welles.
10712 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
10713%
10714And that's the way it is...
10715 -- Walter Cronkite
10716%
10717And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
10718turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
10719the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
10720clothes! He is naked!"
10721 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
10722%
10723And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
10724black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
10725penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
10726white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
10727growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
10728 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
10729%
10730"... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
10731courtesy detail."
10732 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
10733%
10734And the silence came surging softly backwards
10735When the plunging hooves were gone...
10736 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
10737%
10738And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
10739with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
10740%
10741And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
10742rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
10743which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
10744in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
10745 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
10746%
10747And this is good old Boston,
10748The home of the bean and the cod,
10749Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
10750And the Cabots talk only to God.
10751%
10752And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
10753 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
10754%
10755And we heard him exclaim
10756As he started to roam:
10757"I'm a hologram, kids,
10758please don't try this at home!'"
10759 -- Bob Violence
10760%
10761And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
10762ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
10763Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
10764economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
10765give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
10766of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
10767exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
10768and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
10769without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
10770afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
10771loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
10772engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
10773shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
10774 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
10775%
10776And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
10777 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
10778 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
10779 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
10780 -- The Grateful Dead
10781%
10782And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
10783have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
10784the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
10785loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
10786in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
10787license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
10788 -- Charles Dickens
10789%
10790And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
10791sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
10792and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
10793face, we have politics.
10794 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
10795 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
10796%
10797And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
10798because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
10799%
10800"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
10801you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
10802and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
10803he, earnestly.
10804 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
10805%
10806Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
10807Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.
10808 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
10809%
10810Andrea's Admonition:
10811 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
10812 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
10813 it isn't and he can.
10814%
10815ANDROPHOBIA:
10816 Fear of men.
10817%
10818Angels we have heard on High
10819Tell us to go out and Buy.
10820 -- Tom Lehrer
10821%
10822Anger is momentary madness.
10823 -- Horace
10824%
10825Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
10826%
10827Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
10828Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
10829 -- Lazarus Long
10830%
10831Ankh if you love Isis.
10832%
10833Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
10834
10835Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
10836
10837Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
10838just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
10839cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
10840at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
10841think you can, and that's the point, right?)
10842%
10843Anoint, v.:
10844 To grease a king or other great
10845 functionary already sufficiently slippery.
10846 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10847%
10848Another day, another dollar.
10849 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
10850 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
10851 Reagan.
10852%
10853Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
10854%
10855Another megabytes the dust.
10856%
10857Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
10858television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
10859and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
10860offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.
10861 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
10862%
10863Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
10864 -- Pyrrhus
10865%
10866Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
10867 -- Proverbs, 26:5
10868%
10869Anthony's Law of Force:
10870 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
10871%
10872Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
10873 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
10874 corner of the workshop.
10875
10876Corollary:
10877 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
10878 your toes.
10879%
10880Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
10881Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
10882%
10883Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
10884%
10885Antonio Antonio
10886Was tired of living alonio
10887He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
10888Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
10889Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
10890 In a bowery shade,
10891 Sitting and knitting alonio.
10892Antonio Antonio
10893Said if you will be my ownio
10894I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
10895And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
10896An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
10897 You singular fish
10898 Is that you will quickly begonio.
10899Antonio Antonio
10900Uttered a dismal moanio
10901And went off and hid
10902Or I'm told that he did
10903In the Antartical Zonio.
10904%
10905Antonym, n.:
10906 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
10907%
10908Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
10909[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
10910Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
10911cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
10912Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
10913them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
10914 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
10915 cars across Europe.
10916%
10917Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
10918which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
10919%
10920Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
10921 -- Charles McCabe
10922%
10923Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
10924mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
10925than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
10926And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
10927Is there a better way to die?
10928 -- Charles Lindbergh
10929%
10930Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
10931representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
10932representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
10933capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
10934 -- Richard Schickel
10935%
10936Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
10937 -- Aesop
10938%
10939Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
10940country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
10941%
10942Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
10943wise person to be able to sell it.
10944%
10945Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
10946how to lie well.
10947 -- Samuel Butler
10948%
10949Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
10950stupid.
10951 -- Hedy Lamarr
10952%
10953Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
10954%
10955Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
10956%
10957Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
10958a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
10959grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
10960fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
10961true.
10962 -- Solomon Short
10963%
10964Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
10965%
10966Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
10967rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
10968of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
10969requires a heroism which is transcendent.
10970 -- Henry Ward Beecher
10971%
10972Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
10973 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
10974%
10975Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
10976liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
10977be deemed to be a cat.
10978 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
10979%
10980"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
10981"None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone
10982qualified who is willing to accept the post."
10983 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
10984can at least make a decision."
10985 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
10986young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
10987up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
10988 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
10989%
10990Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
10991 -- Sydney J. Harris
10992%
10993Any president should have the right to shoot
10994at least two people a year without explanation.
10995 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
10996%
10997Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
10998 -- Lazarus Long
10999%
11000Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer
11001of indirection.
11002 -- David Wheeler
11003%
11004Any program which runs right is obsolete.
11005%
11006Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
11007%
11008Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
11009Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
11010From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
11011 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
11012%
11013Any small object that is accidentally
11014dropped will hide under a larger object.
11015%
11016Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
11017exactly the point of most pressure.
11018 -- Milt Barber
11019%
11020Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
11021%
11022Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
11023 -- Rich Kulawiec
11024%
11025Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
11026%
11027Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
11028 -- Arthur C. Clarke
11029%
11030Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
11031something.
11032%
11033Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
11034 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
11035%
11036Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
11037%
11038Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
11039has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
11040 -- J. P. Morgan
11041%
11042Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
11043organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
11044 -- David Broder
11045%
11046Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
11047sight of a police car is probably parked.
11048%
11049Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
11050%
11051Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
11052person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
11053and in the right way -- that is not easy.
11054 -- Aristotle
11055%
11056Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
11057supposed to be doing at the moment.
11058 -- Robert Benchley
11059%
11060Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
11061 -- Publilius Syrus
11062%
11063Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
11064none.
11065%
11066"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
11067first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
11068explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
11069intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
11070thought on every occasion."
11071 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
11072%
11073Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
11074%
11075Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my
11076extremely humble opinion.
11077
11078 -- Philip Paeps
11079%
11080Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
11081is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
11082make messes in the house.
11083 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
11084%
11085Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
11086 -- R. Heinlein
11087%
11088Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
11089 -- Samuel Goldwyn
11090%
11091Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
11092that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
11093is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
11094mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
11095 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
11096%
11097Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
11098knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
11099 -- Mark Twain
11100%
11101Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
11102 -- W. C. Fields
11103%
11104Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
11105as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
11106 -- Philippus Paracelsus
11107%
11108Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
11109account be allowed to do the job.
11110 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
11111%
11112Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
11113recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
11114particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
11115 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
11116%
11117Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
11118 -- Groucho Marx
11119%
11120Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
11121tried taking candy from a baby.
11122 -- Robin Hood
11123%
11124Anything anybody can say about America is true.
11125 -- Emmett Grogan
11126%
11127Anything cut to length will be too short.
11128%
11129Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
11130%
11131Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
11132%
11133Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
11134%
11135Anything is possible on paper.
11136 -- Ron McAfee
11137%
11138Anything is possible, unless it's not.
11139%
11140Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
11141The label means the price went up.
11142The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
11143means the price went way up.
11144%
11145Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
11146%
11147Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
11148undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
11149 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
11150%
11151Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
11152%
11153Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
11154big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
11155nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
11156cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
11157over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
11158going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
11159all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
11160but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
11161 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
11162%
11163Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
11164If you want to come, you're not invited.
11165%
11166"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
11167%
11168APHASIA:
11169 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
11170 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
11171%
11172aphorism, n.:
11173 A concise, clever statement.
11174afterism, n.:
11175 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
11176 -- James Alexander Thom
11177%
11178APL hackers do it in the quad.
11179%
11180APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
11181future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
11182of coding bums.
11183 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
11184%
11185APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
11186...and is best for educational purposes.
11187 -- A. Perlis
11188%
11189APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
11190in APL, but I can't read any of them.
11191 -- Roy Keir
11192%
11193Appearances often are deceiving.
11194 -- Aesop
11195%
11196APPENDIX:
11197 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
11198%
11199Applause, n:
11200 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
11201 -- Ambrose Bierce
11202%
11203April is the cruelest month...
11204 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
11205%
11206Aquadextrous, adj.:
11207 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
11208 faucet on and off with your toes.
11209 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11210%
11211AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
11212 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
11213 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
11214 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
11215 and over again. People think you are stupid.
11216%
11217AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
11218 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
11219 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
11220 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
11221 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
11222%
11223AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
11224 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
11225 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
11226 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
11227 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
11228 able to lend you a few bucks.
11229%
11230Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
11231ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
11232cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
11233cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
11234then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
11235never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
11236 -- Peter Nelson
11237%
11238Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
11239 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
11240general can be said."
11241%
11242ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
11243 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
11244%
11245Are we not men?
11246%
11247Are we running light with overbyte?
11248%
11249Are Women Human?
11250In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
11251representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
11252The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
11253vote.
11254%
11255Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11256say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11257
11258 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
11259 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
11260 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
11261 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
11262 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
11263 Don't you know any better?
11264 How could you be so stupid?
11265 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
11266 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
11267 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
11268%
11269Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11270say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11271
11272 Do as I say, not as I do.
11273 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
11274 What did you do *this* time?
11275 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
11276 When I was your age...
11277 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
11278 Think of all the starving children in India.
11279 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
11280 I'm going to kill you.
11281 Way to go, clumsy.
11282 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
11283%
11284Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11285say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11286
11287 Go away. You bother me.
11288 Why? Because life is unfair.
11289 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
11290 Children should be seen and not heard.
11291 You'll be the death of me.
11292 You'll understand when you're older.
11293 Because.
11294 Wipe that smile off your face.
11295 I don't believe you.
11296 How many times have I told you to be careful?
11297 Just because.
11298%
11299Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11300say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11301
11302 Good children always obey.
11303 Quit acting so childish.
11304 Boys don't cry.
11305 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
11306 Why do you have to know so much?
11307 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
11308 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
11309 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
11310 Oh, grow up.
11311 I'm only doing this because I love you.
11312%
11313Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11314say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11315
11316 When are you going to grow up?
11317 I'm only doing this for your own good.
11318 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
11319 cry about.
11320 What's wrong with you?
11321 Someday you'll thank me for this.
11322 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
11323 Don't you have any sense at all?
11324 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
11325 Why? Because I said so.
11326 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
11327%
11328Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11329say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11330
11331 You wouldn't understand.
11332 You ask too many questions.
11333 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
11334 That's for me to know and you to find out.
11335 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
11336 up for yourself.
11337 You're acting too big for your britches.
11338 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
11339 Wait till your father gets home.
11340 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
11341 Shape up or ship out.
11342%
11343Are you a turtle?
11344%
11345Are you making all this up as you go along?
11346%
11347"Are you police officers?"
11348"No, ma'am. We're musicians."
11349 -- The Blues Brothers
11350%
11351Are you sure the back door is locked?
11352%
11353"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
11354No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
11355 -- Monty Python
11356%
11357Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
11358Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
11359Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
11360Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
11361Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
11362Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
11363 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
11364Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
11365Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
11366Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
11367Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
11368
11369 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
113700-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
113713-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
113726-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
113738-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
1137411+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
11375%
11376Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
11377 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
11378%
11379Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
11380in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
11381 -- Oscar Wilde
11382%
11383"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
11384 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
11385%
11386ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
11387 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
11388 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
11389 very nice.
11390%
11391ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
11392 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
11393 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
11394 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
11395%
11396ARITHMETIC:
11397 An obscure art no longer practiced in
11398 the world's developed countries.
11399%
11400Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
11401 -- Mickey Mouse
11402%
11403ARMADILLO:
11404 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
11405%
11406Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
11407autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
11408Union.
11409 -- P. J. O'Rourke
11410%
11411Armor's Axiom:
11412 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
11413%
11414Armstrong's Collection Law:
11415 If the check is truly in the mail,
11416 it is surely made out to someone else.
11417%
11418Arnold's Addendum:
11419 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
11420%
11421Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
11422 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
11423 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
11424 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
11425 first two laws.
11426%
11427Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
11428measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
11429imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
11430 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11431%
11432Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
11433a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
11434one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
11435to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
11436(He died in 1921.)
11437 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
11438flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
11439fantasy...
11440 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
11441And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
11442instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
11443piece would be better known as:
11444 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
11445%
11446Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
11447incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
11448 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
11449%
11450Art is a jealous mistress.
11451 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
11452%
11453Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
11454 -- Picasso
11455%
11456Art is anything you can get away with.
11457 -- Marshall McLuhan.
11458%
11459Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
11460 -- Paul Gauguin
11461%
11462Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
11463 -- Chazal
11464%
11465"Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
11466 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
11467%
11468Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
11469%
11470Arthur's Laws of Love:
11471 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
11472 remind them of someone else.
11473 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
11474 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
11475 of yourself in person.
11476%
11477Article the Third:
11478 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
11479 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
11480 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
11481Article the Fourth:
11482 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
11483 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
11484 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
11485Article the Fifth:
11486 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
11487 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
11488 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
11489 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
11490 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
11491%
11492Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
11493artificial flowers have to flowers.
11494 -- David Parnas
11495%
11496Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
11497%
11498As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
11499%
11500As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
11501interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
11502perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
11503"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
11504 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
11505%
11506As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
11507I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
11508This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
11509 -- Matt Cartmill
11510%
11511As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
11512a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
11513Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
11514glass.
11515 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
11516with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
11517 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
11518a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
11519down in one gulp.
11520 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
11521fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
11522firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
11523NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
11524%
11525As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
11526 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
11527%
11528As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
11529the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
11530a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
11531 -- Joseph Brodsky
11532%
11533As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
11534certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
11535 -- Albert Einstein
11536%
11537As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
11538 -- Weisert
11539%
11540As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
11541 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
11542%
11543As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
11544We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
11545 -- Frederic Reynolds
11546%
11547As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
11548of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
11549 -- John F. Kennedy
11550%
11551As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
11552%
11553As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
11554the potato salad.
11555%
11556As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
11557religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
11558methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
11559to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
11560years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
11561untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
11562and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
11563high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
11564surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
11565 -- Steve Allen
11566%
11567As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
11568pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
11569 -- Jack Handey
11570%
11571As I thought, no better from this side.
11572 -- Eeyore
11573%
11574As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
11575 Feeling worse and worser,
11576There I met a C.R.T.
11577 And it drop't me a cursor.
11578
11579C.R.T., C.R.T.,
11580 Phosphors light on you!
11581If I had fifty hours a day
11582 I'd spend them all at you.
11583 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
11584%
11585As I was passing Project MAC,
11586I met a Quux with seven hacks.
11587Every hack had seven bugs;
11588Every bug had seven manifestations;
11589Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
11590Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
11591How many losses at Project MAC?
11592%
11593As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
11594I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
11595The words were torn and tattered,
11596From the storm the night before,
11597The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
11598
11599Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
11600Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
11601Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
11602And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
11603
11604Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
11605Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
11606Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
11607And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
11608%
11609As in certain cults it is possible to
11610kill a process if you know its true name.
11611 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
11612%
11613As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
11614smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
11615in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
11616norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
11617computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
11618IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
11619standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
11620standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
11621allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
11622innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
11623imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
11624images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
11625on the austerity of the word.
11626 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
11627%
11628As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
11629industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
11630and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
11631man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
11632talk like that.
11633 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
11634%
11635As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
11636%
11637As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
11638schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
11639The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
11640%
11641As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
11642When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
11643 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
11644%
11645As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11646One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11647useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11648
11649Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11650
11651 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
11652 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
11653 3. Some people never look at me.
11654 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
11655 5. My sex life is A-okay.
11656 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11657 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
11658 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11659 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
1166010. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
1166111. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
1166212. I cannot read or write.
1166313. I am bored by thoughts of death.
1166414. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
1166515. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
1166616. I am never startled by a fish.
1166717. My mother's uncle was a good man.
1166818. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
1166919. People who break the law are wise guys.
1167020. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11671%
11672As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11673One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11674useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11675
11676Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11677
11678 1. I think beavers work too hard.
11679 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
11680 3. God is love.
11681 4. I like mannish children.
11682 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
11683 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
11684 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
11685 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
11686 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
1168710. Frantic screams make me nervous.
1168811. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
11689 full of mice.
1169012. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
1169113. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
1169214. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
1169315. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
1169416. My eyes are always cold.
1169517. Cousins are not to be trusted.
1169618. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
1169719. I am never startled by a fish.
1169820. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11699%
11700As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
11701The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
11702It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
11703An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
11704Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
11705Follow it through, me canny lad O;
11706Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
11707Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
11708 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
11709%
11710As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
11711Please update your programs.
11712%
11713As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
11714Please update your programs.
11715%
11716As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
11717%
11718As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
11719the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
11720
11721News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
11722
11723 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
11724 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
11725 Keywords: C sources
11726 Distribution: na
11727
11728 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
11729 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
11730 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
11731 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
11732
11733 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
11734 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
11735 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
11736 must be done?
11737%
11738As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
11739a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
11740 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
11741 conversion to a new computer system.
11742%
11743As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
11744I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
11745Of society offenders who might well be underground
11746And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
11747 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
11748%
11749As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
11750as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
11751discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
11752part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
11753my own programs.
11754 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
11755%
11756As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
11757because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
11758 -- Woody Allen
11759%
11760As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
11761bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
11762or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
11763version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
11764component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
11765efficient test cases will usually be available.
11766 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
11767%
11768As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
11769is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
11770 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11771%
11772As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
11773as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
11774but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
11775with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
11776divinity.
11777 -- Benjamin Franklin
11778%
11779As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
11780 -- Miguel de Cervantes
11781%
11782As Will Rogers would have said,
11783"There is no such things as a free variable."
11784%
11785As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
11786aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
11787chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
11788proper time for chocolate.
11789 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
11790%
11791As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
11792but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
11793 -- The Cowboy
11794%
11795As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
11796interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
11797Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
11798out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
11799Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
11800organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
11801birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
11802see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
11803stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
11804with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
11805talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
11806highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
11807 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
11808 Teen Should Know"
11809%
11810As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
11811your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
11812The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
11813with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
11814from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
11815over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
11816a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
11817spider is suing you for damages.
11818%
11819As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
11820 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
11821%
11822As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
11823%
11824ASCII:
11825 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
11826 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
11827 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
11828 receive."
11829 -- Robb Russon
11830%
11831ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
11832%
11833ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
11834%
11835Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
11836If God won't have you, the devil must.
11837%
11838Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
11839one went to Harvard).
11840 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
11841%
11842Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
11843will pay only the station-to-station rate.
11844 -- Howard Kandel
11845%
11846Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
11847%
11848Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
11849if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
11850%
11851Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
11852 -- J. J. Gibson
11853%
11854Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
11855for an answer.
11856%
11857Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
11858 -- John Stuart Mill
11859%
11860"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
11861woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
11862she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
11863 -- David Letterman
11864%
11865Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
11866said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
11867released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
11868right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
11869learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
11870writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
11871newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
11872bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
11873chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
11874as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
11875everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
11876the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
11877and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
11878couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
11879two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
11880 -- Garrison Keillor
11881%
11882Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
11883lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
11884 -- Christopher Hampton
11885%
11886Ass, n.:
11887 The masculine of "lass".
11888%
11889Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
11890and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
11891 -- D. Gries
11892%
11893Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
11894with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
11895the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
11896and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
11897 -- Stanley Walker
11898%
11899Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
11900%
11901Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
11902 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
11903%
11904At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
11905solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
11906take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
11907available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
11908In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
11909is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
11910relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
11911a computer problem?"
11912 "Remember the twin paradox?"
11913 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
11914fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
11915that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
11916computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
11917 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
11918the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
11919
11920 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
11921%
11922At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
11923not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
11924it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
11925 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
11926%
11927At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
11928my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
11929ignorance upon the shore.
11930 -- Kahlil Gibran
11931%
11932At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
11933We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
11934around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
11935least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
11936
11937It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
11938while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
11939crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
11940have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
11941`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
11942Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
11943function as a normal person.
11944
11945I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
11946you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
11947some UNIX,
11948
11949 Just Say No!
11950%
11951At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
11952the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
11953quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
11954than blinkers it.
11955 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
11956%
11957At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
11958a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
11959 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
11960%
11961At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
11962"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
11963 -- Strange de Jim
11964%
11965At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
11966 -- J. B. White
11967%
11968"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"
11969%
11970At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
11971thumb with a hammer.
11972 -- Marshall Lumsden
11973%
11974At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
11975especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
11976-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
11977in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
11978after fact and reason.
11979 -- John Keats
11980%
11981At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
11982coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
11983 -- H. R. Gumby
11984%
11985At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
11986and no further activities are scheduled.
11987%
11988At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
11989The image of Providing Nourishment.
11990Thus the superior man is careful of his words
11991And temperate in eating and drinking.
11992%
11993At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
11994contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
11995or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
11996of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
11997nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
11998world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
11999enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
12000field on track.
12001 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
12002%
12003At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
12004to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
12005die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
12006room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
12007The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
12008grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
12009You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
12010213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
12011gently!"
12012 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
12013opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
12014his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
12015guess who's going to die soon!"
12016%
12017At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
12018at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
12019%
12020At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
12021 -- Peter G. Alaquon
12022%
12023At times discretion should be thrown aside,
12024and with the foolish we should play the fool.
12025 -- Menander
12026%
12027At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
12028number of pens that person is carrying.
12029%
12030Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12031%
12032ATLANTA:
12033 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
12034%
12035Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
12036or street lamp.
12037%
12038Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
12039 -- Winston Churchill
12040%
12041Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
12042decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
12043lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
12044suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
12045is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
12046 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
12047%
12048AUCTION:
12049 A gyp off the old block.
12050%
12051Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
12052 -- G. J. Danton
12053%
12054audiophile, n:
12055 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
12056%
12057Auribus teneo lupum.
12058[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
12059%
12060AUTHENTIC:
12061 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
12062%
12063Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
12064depths they were once able to plumb.
12065 -- Stanley Kaufman
12066%
12067Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
12068 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
12069%
12070Automobile, n.:
12071 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
12072pedestrians.
12073%
12074Avec!
12075%
12076Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
12077%
12078Avoid cliches like the plague.
12079They're a dime a dozen.
12080%
12081Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
12082%
12083Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
12084 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12085%
12086Avoid reality at all costs.
12087%
12088Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
12089we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
12090 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
12091%
12092Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
12093%
12094Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
12095ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
12096to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
12097mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
12098in 1959.
12099 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
12100 bad fiction contest.
12101%
12102[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
12103 -- Tris Speaker, 1921
12104%
12105Bacchus, n.:
12106 A convenient deity invented by the ancients
12107 as an excuse for getting drunk.
12108 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12109%
12110BACHELOR:
12111 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
12112%
12113BACHELOR:
12114 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
12115%
12116Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
12117that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
12118correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
12119invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
12120West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
12121 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
12122Business before pleasure."
12123%
12124Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
12125military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
12126who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
12127Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
12128problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
12129written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
12130(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
12131types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
12132the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
12133the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
12134never really caught on.
12135%
12136Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
12137uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
12138%
12139BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
12140 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
12141%
12142Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
12143%
12144BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
12145%
12146Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
12147whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
12148 -- Socrates
12149%
12150Bagbiter:
12151 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
12152intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
12153bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
12154obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
12155bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
12156CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
12157%
12158Bagdikian's Observation:
12159 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
12160 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
12161%
12162Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
12163 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
12164%
12165Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
12166 A block grant is a solid mass of money
12167 surrounded on all sides by governors.
12168%
12169BALLISTOPHOBIA:
12170 Fear of bullets;
12171OTOPHOBIA:
12172 Fear of opening one's eyes.
12173PECCATOPHOBIA:
12174 Fear of sinning.
12175TAPHEPHOBIA:
12176 Fear of being buried alive.
12177SITOPHOBIA:
12178 Fear of food.
12179TRICHOPHOBIA:
12180 Fear of hair.
12181VESTIPHOBIA:
12182 Fear of clothing.
12183%
12184BALTIMORE:
12185 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
12186%
12187Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
12188%
12189Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
12190 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
12191 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
12192%
12193Banectomy, n.:
12194 The removal of bruises on a banana.
12195 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12196%
12197Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
12198%
12199Barach's Rule:
12200 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
12201%
12202Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
12203 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
12204 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
12205 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
12206 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
12207%
12208Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
12209floor -- especially in the dark.
12210%
12211Barker's Proof:
12212 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
12213%
12214Barometer, n.:
12215 An ingenious instrument which indicates
12216 what kind of weather we are having.
12217 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12218%
12219Barth's Distinction:
12220 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
12221types, and those who don't.
12222%
12223Baruch's Observation:
12224 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
12225%
12226Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
12227 -- Tom Lehrer
12228%
12229Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
12230 -- Will Rogers
12231%
12232Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
12233Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
12234
12235 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
12236 (2) Advising the President.
12237 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
12238 -- David Letterman
12239%
12240Basic Definitions of Science:
12241 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
12242 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
12243 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
12244%
12245Basic is a high level languish.
12246APL is a high level anguish.
12247%
12248"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
12249%
12250BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
12251 -- Seymour Papert
12252%
12253Basic, n.:
12254 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
12255that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
12256%
12257Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
12258come in and sink my boats.
12259 -- Woody Allen
12260%
12261Bathquake, n.:
12262 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
12263faucet is turned on to a certain point.
12264 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12265%
12266Batteries not included.
12267%
12268Battle, n:
12269 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
12270 will not yield to the tongue.
12271 -- Ambrose Bierce
12272%
12273Be a better psychiatrist and the world
12274will beat a psychopath to your door.
12275%
12276BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
12277%
12278BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
12279%
12280Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
12281get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
12282face.
12283 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12284%
12285Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
12286 -- Homer
12287%
12288Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
12289%
12290Be careful! Is it classified?
12291%
12292Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
12293%
12294Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
12295situations that can't bear inspection.
12296%
12297Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
12298 -- Mark Twain
12299%
12300Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
12301 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
12302%
12303Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
12304%
12305Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
12306 -- Derek Bok
12307%
12308Be cautious in your daily affairs.
12309%
12310Be cheerful while you are alive.
12311 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
12312%
12313Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
12314to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
12315 -- De Maintenon
12316%
12317Be different: conform.
12318%
12319Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
12320the issue afterwards.
12321%
12322Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
12323Things won't get any better so get used to it.
12324%
12325Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
12326%
12327Be independent.
12328Insult a rich relative today.
12329%
12330Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
12331nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
12332%
12333Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
12334 -- Wilson Mizner
12335%
12336Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
12337 -- Pope St. Gregory I
12338%
12339Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
12340%
12341Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
12342Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
12343%
12344Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
12345and original in your work.
12346 -- Flaubert
12347%
12348Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
12349%
12350Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
12351%
12352Be sociable.
12353Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
12354%
12355Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
12356%
12357Be valiant, but not too venturous.
12358Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
12359 -- John Lyly
12360%
12361Beam me up, Scotty!
12362%
12363Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
12364%
12365Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
12366%
12367Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
12368%
12369BEAUTY:
12370 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
12371%
12372Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
12373%
12374Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
12375%
12376Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
12377 -- Jean Anouilh
12378%
12379Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
12380Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
12381 -- John Keats
12382%
12383Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
12384 -- Redd Foxx
12385%
12386Because I do,
12387Because I do not hope,
12388Because I do not hope to survive
12389Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
12390Because I do, only do,
12391I continue...
12392 -- T. S. Pynchon
12393%
12394Because the wine remembers.
12395%
12396Because we don't think about future generations,
12397they will never forget us.
12398 -- Henrik Tikkanen
12399%
12400Been through hell?
12401What did you bring back for me?
12402%
12403Been Transferred Lately?
12404%
12405Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
12406%
12407Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
12408%
12409Bees are very busy souls
12410They have no time for birth controls
12411And that is why in times like these
12412There are so many Sons of Bees.
12413%
12414Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
12415 -- Addison H. Hallock
12416%
12417Before destruction a man's heart is
12418haughty, but humility goes before honour.
12419 -- Psalms 18:12
12420%
12421...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
12422or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
12423did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
12424manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
12425this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
12426power of meddling.
12427 -- Joseph Conrad
12428%
12429Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
12430%
12431Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
12432they are "Let's eat out."
12433%
12434Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
12435starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
12436first.
12437 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
12438%
12439Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
12440%
12441Before you ask more questions, think about whether
12442you really want to know the answers.
12443 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
12444%
12445Begathon, n.:
12446 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
12447you won't have to watch commercials.
12448%
12449Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
12450 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
12451%
12452Beggars should be no choosers.
12453 -- John Heywood
12454%
12455Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
12456%
12457Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
12458%
12459Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
12460%
12461Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
12462is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
12463the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
12464basket!"
12465 -- Mark Twain
12466%
12467Behold the unborn foetus and
12468 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
12469All life is sacred (save, of course,
12470 An enemy civilian).
12471%
12472Behold the warranty -- the bold print
12473giveth and the fine print taketh away.
12474%
12475Beifeld's Principle:
12476 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
12477receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
12478already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
12479looking and richer male friend.
12480%
12481Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
12482%
12483Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
12484stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
12485opposite applies with the judges.
12486 -- Beyond the Fringe
12487%
12488Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
12489since it consists principally of dealings with men.
12490 -- Conrad
12491%
12492Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
12493to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
12494and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
12495 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
12496seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
12497%
12498Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
12499if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
12500has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
12501 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
12502%
12503"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
12504%
12505Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
12506disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
12507%
12508Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
12509enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
12510 -- Eugene McCarthy
12511%
12512Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
12513Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
12514 -- Blake Clark
12515%
12516Being owned by someone used to be called
12517slavery -- now it's called commitment.
12518%
12519Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
12520%
12521Being stoned on marijuana isn't very
12522different from being stoned on gin.
12523 -- Ralph Nader
12524%
12525Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
12526standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
12527 -- unnamed Justice Department official
12528%
12529Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
12530%
12531belief, n:
12532 Something you do not believe.
12533%
12534Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
12535impossibly bad.
12536 -- Honore DeBalzac
12537%
12538Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
12539%
12540Ben, why didn't you tell me?
12541 -- Luke Skywalker
12542%
12543Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
12544 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
12545 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
12546 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
12547%
12548"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
12549 -- Time Bandits
12550%
12551Benson's Dogma:
12552 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
12553%
12554Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break
12555Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It
12556%
12557Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
12558to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
12559 -- Kirk McKusick
12560%
12561Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
12562none of his friends like him either.
12563 -- Oscar Wilde
12564%
12565Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
12566transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
12567Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
12568place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
12569surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
12570MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
12571For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
12572rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
12573"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
12574after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
12575 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
12576 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
12577 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
12578 "The test or the room?"
12579 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
12580 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
12581Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
12582great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
12583tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
12584why?"
12585 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
12586 -- House of God
12587%
12588Bershere's Formula for Failure:
12589 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
12590 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
12591%
12592Besides the device, the box should contain:
12593
12594* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
12595
12596* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
12597 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
12598
12599YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
12600cable.
12601
12602IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
12603spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
12604that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
12605without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
12606why."
12607
12608WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
12609 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
12610%
12611Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
12612judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
12613doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
12614history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
12615at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
12616them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
12617victuals being spent and especially our beer."
12618 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
12619%
12620Best Mistakes In Films
12621 In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
12622four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
12623possible.
12624 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
12625street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
12626 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
12627with television aerials.
12628 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
12629fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
12630in the background.
12631 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
12632clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
12633 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
12634%
12635Best of all is never to have been born.
12636Second best is to die soon.
12637%
12638beta test, v:
12639 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
12640 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
12641 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
12642%
12643Better by far you should forget and
12644smile than that you should remember and be sad.
12645 -- Christina Rossetti
12646%
12647Better dead than mellow.
12648%
12649Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
12650around while you have your life in such a mess.
12651%
12652Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
12653%
12654Better late than never.
12655 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
12656%
12657Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
12658%
12659better !pout !cry
12660better watchout
12661lpr why
12662santa claus <north pole >town
12663
12664cat /etc/passwd >list
12665ncheck list
12666ncheck list
12667cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
12668cat list | grep nice >giftlist
12669santa claus <north pole > town
12670
12671who | grep sleeping
12672who | grep awake
12673who | egrep 'bad|good'
12674for (goodness sake) {
12675 be good
12676}
12677%
12678Better the prince of some inferior court,
12679Than second, or less, in beatific light.
12680 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
12681%
12682Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
12683%
12684Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
12685 -- motto of the Christopher Society
12686%
12687Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
12688%
12689Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
12690 -- Jeff Cooper
12691%
12692Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
12693left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
12694bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
12695pushing boulders into a single word.
12696 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
12697Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
12698equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
12699destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
12700Parliament and Party.
12701 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
12702planets, this may be the first message received from us.
12703 -- The Realist, November, 1964.
12704%
12705Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
12706%
12707Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
12708 -- G. H. Gonnet
12709%
12710Between the idea
12711And the reality
12712Between the motion
12713And the act
12714Falls the Shadow
12715 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
12716
12717 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12718 referring to system service dispatching.]
12719%
12720BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
12721%
12722Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
12723%
12724Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
12725%
12726Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
12727%
12728Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
12729a new wearer of clothes.
12730 -- Henry David Thoreau
12731%
12732Beware of Bigfoot!
12733%
12734"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
12735tried it."
12736 -- Donald Knuth
12737%
12738Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
12739%
12740Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
12741%
12742Beware of geeks bearing graft.
12743%
12744Beware of low-flying butterflies.
12745%
12746Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
12747danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
12748the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
12749 -- St. Augustine
12750%
12751Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
12752 -- Leonard Brandwein
12753%
12754Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
12755drip under pressure.
12756%
12757Beware of strong drink. It can make you
12758shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
12759 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
12760%
12761Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
12762%
12763"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
12764finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
12765murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
12766their ignorance the hard way."
12767 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
12768%
12769Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
12770is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
12771%
12772Beware the new TTY code!
12773%
12774Beware the one behind you.
12775%
12776bi, n:
12777 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
12778%
12779Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
12780 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
12781 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
12782 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
12783%
12784Big book, big bore.
12785 -- Callimachus
12786%
12787Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
12788Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
12789Mighty nice!
12790%
12791Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
12792%
12793Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
12794%
12795Bilbo's First Law:
12796 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
12797%
12798Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
12799 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
12800%
12801Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
12802 generation to generation?
12803Mom: Yes?
12804Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
12805%
12806Binary, adj.:
12807 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
12808%
12809Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
12810and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
12811 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
12812%
12813Bing's Rule:
12814 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
12815%
12816Biology grows on you.
12817%
12818Biology is the only science in which
12819multiplication means the same thing as division.
12820%
12821Bipolar, adj.:
12822 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
12823New York
12824%
12825Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
12826nightgowns do with keeping warm.
12827 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
12828%
12829Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
12830%
12831Birth, n.:
12832 The first and direst of all disasters.
12833 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12834%
12835Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
12836%
12837Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
12838behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
12839absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
12840time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
12841time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
12842on the observer's movement in restaurants.
12843 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
12844%
12845bit, n:
12846 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
12847 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
12848 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
12849 ago.
12850%
12851Bit off more than my mind could chew,
12852Shower or suicide, what do I do?
12853 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
12854%
12855Biz is better.
12856%
12857Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
12858%
12859Bizoos, n.:
12860 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
12861basketball.
12862 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12863%
12864Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
12865are involved in when they burn stores.
12866 -- Julius Lester
12867%
12868Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
12869Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
12870Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
12871They were just some of my tropical fish.
12872
12873Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
12874Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
12875Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
12876Now I have many less tropical fish.
12877
12878 If you think that
12879 Fish are peaceful
12880 That's an empty wish.
12881 Just dump them together
12882 And leave them alone,
12883 And soon you will have -- no fish.
12884 -- To My Favorite Things
12885%
12886Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
12887The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
12888A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
12889She wants to hit those bricks,
12890 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
12891While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
12892The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
12893I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
12894I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
12895 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
12896%
12897Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
12898%
12899Blessed are the forgetful: for they
12900get the better even of their blunders.
12901 -- Nietzsche
12902%
12903Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
12904%
12905Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
12906 -- Herbert Hoover
12907%
12908Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
12909to say it.
12910 -- James Russell Lowell
12911%
12912Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
12913for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
12914%
12915Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
12916 -- W. C. Bennett
12917%
12918Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
12919 -- Alexander Pope
12920%
12921Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
12922for he shall enjoy living.
12923 -- W. C. Bennett
12924%
12925Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
12926abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
12927 -- George Eliot
12928%
12929Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
12930 -- David Nichols
12931%
12932BLISS is ignorance
12933%
12934blithwapping:
12935 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
12936 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
12937 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
12938%
12939Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
12940%
12941Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
12942%
12943Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
12944 The judge's jokes are always funny.
12945%
12946Blore's Razor:
12947 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
12948funnier.
12949%
12950Blow it out your ear.
12951%
12952Blue paint today.
12953 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
12954%
12955Blutarsky's Axiom:
12956 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
12957%
12958Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
12959plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
12960it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
12961arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
12962throwing up on them.
12963%
12964Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
12965%
12966Boling's postulate:
12967 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
12968%
12969Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
12970 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
12971 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
12972%
12973Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
12974 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
12975%
12976Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
12977seemed to come from Texas.
12978 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
12979%
12980Bondage maybe, discipline never!
12981 -- T. K.
12982%
12983Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
12984%
12985BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
12986%
12987Boob's Law:
12988 You always find something in the last place you look.
12989%
12990Booker's Law:
12991 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
12992%
12993Bore, n.:
12994 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
12995 -- Walter Winchell
12996%
12997Bore, n.:
12998 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
12999 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13000%
13001Boren's Laws:
13002 (1) When in charge, ponder.
13003 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
13004 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
13005%
13006boss, n:
13007 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
13008 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
13009 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
13010 ornamental stud."
13011%
13012Boston:
13013 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
13014%
13015Boston, n.:
13016 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
13017finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
13018%
13019Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
13020that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
13021straightened out for a crowbar.
13022 -- O. W. Holmes
13023%
13024Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
13025interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
13026on the same communications line connection.
13027 -- Bell System Technical Reference
13028%
13029Boucher's Observation:
13030 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
13031 several octaves higher than originally written.
13032%
13033Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
13034 -- Ralph Lewin
13035%
13036Bower's Law:
13037 Talent goes where the action is.
13038%
13039Bowie's Theorem:
13040 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
13041%
13042Boy! Eucalyptus!
13043%
13044Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
13045You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13046Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13047To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13048Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13049And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13050 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
13051%
13052Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
13053'Advanced Systems Development' group!
13054%
13055Boy, life takes a long time to live
13056 -- Steven Wright
13057%
13058boy, n:
13059 A noise with dirt on it.
13060%
13061Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
13062%
13063Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
13064%
13065Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
13066when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
13067 -- James Thurber
13068%
13069Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
13070 -- Kin Hubbard
13071%
13072Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
13073together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
13074tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
13075on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
13076They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
13077clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
13078Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
13079well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
13080like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
13081which is all the time.
13082 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
13083%
13084Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
13085unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
13086(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
13087to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
13088 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
13089 Style"
13090%
13091Bradley's Bromide:
13092 If computers get too powerful, we can organize
13093 them into a committee -- that will do them in.
13094%
13095Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
13096 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
13097 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
13098 have handled this?"
13099%
13100Brain fried -- core dumped
13101%
13102brain, n:
13103 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
13104 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13105%
13106brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
13107 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
13108 of error in an opponent.
13109 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13110%
13111brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
13112theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
13113Multics, adj:
13114 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
13115 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
13116 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
13117 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
13118%
13119Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
13120is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
13121off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
13122single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
13123kept going, sliding safely into third base.
13124 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
13125bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
13126Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
13127took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
13128 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
13129start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
13130into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
13131shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
13132 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
13133%
13134Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
13135 -- Charles Lamb
13136%
13137Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
13138 -- Randy Goebel
13139%
13140Break into jail and claim police brutality.
13141%
13142Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
13143since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
13144 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13145%
13146Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
13147Watch lights fade from every room.
13148Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
13149another day's useless energies spent.
13150
13151Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
13152Lonely man cries for love and has none.
13153New mother picks up and suckles her son.
13154Senior citizens wish they were young.
13155
13156Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
13157Removes the colors from our sight.
13158Red is grey and yellow white.
13159But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
13160 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
13161%
13162Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
13163%
13164Bride, n.:
13165 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
13166 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13167%
13168Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
13169%
13170briefcase, n:
13171 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
13172%
13173Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
13174data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
13175an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
13176and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
13177which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
13178in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
13179hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
13180construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
13181assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
13182only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
13183of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
13184analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
13185appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
13186 -- A. Benjamin
13187%
13188Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
13189 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
13190i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
13191 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
13192
13193"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
13194 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
13195fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
13196 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
13197 -- "The Jabberwock"
13198%
13199Bringing computers into the home won't change
13200either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
13201%
13202Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
13203more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
13204If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
13205brusque, your character.
13206 -- Jonathan Swift
13207%
13208British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
13209it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
13210 -- Peter Ustinov
13211%
13212British Israelites:
13213 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
13214be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
13215on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
13216can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
13217means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
13218believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
13219and take all your teeth.
13220 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13221%
13222broad-mindedness, n:
13223 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
13224%
13225Brogan's Constant:
13226 People tend to congregate in the back
13227 of the church and the front of the bus.
13228%
13229brokee, n:
13230 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
13231%
13232Brontosaurus Principle:
13233 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
13234in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
13235this occurs, they are an endangered species.
13236 -- Thomas K. Connellan
13237%
13238Brooke's Law:
13239 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
13240 discovers something which either abolishes the system or
13241 expands it beyond recognition.
13242%
13243Brooks' Law:
13244 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
13245%
13246Brucify, v:
13247 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
13248 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
13249 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
13250 {frustrate}]
13251 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
13252 (of one of the two other meanings).
13253The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
13254Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
13255reviews just done in his spirit.
13256%
13257BS: You remind me of a man.
13258B: What man?
13259BS: The man with the power.
13260B: What power?
13261BS: The power of voodoo.
13262B: Voodoo?
13263BS: You do.
13264B: Do what?
13265BS: Remind me of a man.
13266B: What man?
13267BS: The man with the power...
13268 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
13269%
13270Bubble Memory, n.:
13271 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
13272intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
13273%
13274Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
13275%
13276Bucy's Law:
13277 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
13278%
13279Bug:
13280 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
13281 The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends
13282 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
13283%
13284Bug, n.:
13285 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
13286programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
13287wrote the program.
13288
13289Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
13290 -- Ray Simard
13291%
13292bug, n:
13293 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
13294 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
13295 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
13296 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
13297%
13298Bugs, pl. n.:
13299 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
13300living girls.
13301%
13302Building translators is good clean fun.
13303 -- T. Cheatham
13304%
13305BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
13306 outfit."
13307GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
13308BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
13309 -- Jay Ward
13310%
13311Bumper sticker:
13312 All the parts falling off this car are
13313 of the very finest British manufacture.
13314%
13315Bunker's Admonition:
13316 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
13317%
13318BURBULATION:
13319 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
13320 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
13321 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
13322%
13323Bureau Termination, Law of:
13324 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
13325 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
13326 12 months after the decision is made.
13327%
13328bureaucracy, n:
13329 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
13330%
13331Bureaucrat, n.:
13332 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
13333 -- J. McCabe
13334%
13335bureaucrat, n:
13336 A politician who has tenure.
13337%
13338Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
13339%
13340Burke's Postulates:
13341 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
13342 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
13343%
13344Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
13345 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
13346 sawhorse.
13347 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
13348 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
13349 perfectly balanced.
13350 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
13351 -- Robert Burns
13352%
13353Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
13354 -- Ken Weaver
13355%
13356Bus error -- driver executed.
13357%
13358Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
13359%
13360Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
13361%
13362Business is a good game -- lots of competition
13363and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
13364 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
13365%
13366Business will be either better or worse.
13367 -- Calvin Coolidge
13368%
13369But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
13370%
13371"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
13372paws."
13373%
13374But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
13375 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
13376%
13377But has any little atom,
13378 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
13379Ever stopped to think or CARE
13380 That E = m c**2 ?
13381%
13382"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
13383"Tell 'em I lied."
13384%
13385But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
13386I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
13387kill more than I could eat.
13388 -- Raoul Duke
13389%
13390But I don't like Spam!!!!
13391%
13392"But I don't want to go on the cart..."
13393"Oh, don't be such a baby!"
13394"But I'm feeling much better..."
13395"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
13396 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
13397%
13398But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
13399back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
13400what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
13401to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
13402true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
13403theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
13404even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
13405crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
13406that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
13407with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
13408everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
13409therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
13410arrogance down.
13411 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
13412%
13413But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
13414nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
13415 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
13416%
13417But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
13418system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
13419analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
13420 -- Bruce Leverett,
13421 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
13422%
13423But it does move!
13424 -- Galileo Galilei
13425%
13426But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
13427%
13428But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
13429In proving foresight may be vain:
13430The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
13431Gang aft a-gley,
13432An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
13433For promised joy.
13434 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
13435%
13436But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
13437%
13438But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
13439%
13440"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
13441to the nearest gas station."
13442%
13443But scientists, who ought to know
13444Assure us that it must be so.
13445Oh, let us never, never doubt
13446What nobody is sure about.
13447 -- Hilaire Belloc
13448%
13449But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
13450%
13451But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
13452frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
13453 -- M. Proust
13454%
13455But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
13456Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
13457But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
13458 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
13459%
13460But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
13461was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
13462education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
134631877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
13464American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
13465invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
13466invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
13467adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
13468electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
13469electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
13470part) sends it right back to the customer again.
13471
13472This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
13473of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
13474very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
13475In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
13476States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
13477ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
13478increases.
13479 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
13480%
13481But these pills can't be habit forming;
13482I've been taking them for years.
13483%
13484But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
13485place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
13486Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
13487is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
13488enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
13489Have I explained yet about the bytes?
13490%
13491"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
13492computers?"
13493%
13494But you shall not escape my iambics.
13495 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
13496%
13497But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
13498reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
13499those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
13500 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
13501%
13502Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
13503Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
13504Less dear than army ants in apple pies
13505Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
13506Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
13507Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
13508They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
13509Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
13510Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
13511And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
13512Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
13513Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
13514Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
13515Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
13516%
13517buzzword, n:
13518 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
13519%
13520By doing just a little every day, you can
13521gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
13522%
13523By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
13524%
13525By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
13526designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
13527 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
13528 Fool's column.
13529%
13530By nature, men are nearly alike;
13531by practice, they get to be wide apart.
13532 -- Confucius
13533%
13534By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
13535In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
13536as it is to invent.
13537 -- R. Emerson
13538 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
13539 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
13540 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
13541 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
13542%
13543By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
13544 -- Charles Spurgeon
13545%
13546By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
13547 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
13548%
13549"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
13550to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
13551 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
13552%
13553By the time you swear you're his,
13554shivering and sighing
13555and he vows his passion is
13556infinite, undying --
13557Lady, make a note of this:
13558One of you is lying.
13559 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
13560%
13561By the yard, life is hard.
13562By the inch, it's a cinch.
13563%
13564By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
13565Another man's, I mean.
13566 -- Mark Twain
13567%
13568By working faithfully eight hours a day,
13569you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
13570 -- Robert Frost
13571%
13572byob, v:
13573 Believing Your Own Bull
13574%
13575Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
13576point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
13577fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
13578often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
13579from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
13580that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often
13581wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
13582they wanted to be.
13583 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13584%
13585BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
13586carefully print the chaff.
13587%
13588Byte your tongue.
13589%
13590C Code.
13591C Code Run.
13592Run, Code, RUN!
13593 PLEASE!!!!
13594%
13595C for yourself.
13596%
13597C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
13598%
13599C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
13600harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
13601 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
13602%
13603C, n:
13604 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
13605 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
13606 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
13607 it isn't.
13608 -- Ray Simard
13609%
13610Cabbage, n.:
13611 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
13612a man's head.
13613 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13614%
13615"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
13616 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
13617%
13618Cache:
13619 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
13620 is supposed to know is there.
13621%
13622California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
13623 -- Fred Allen
13624%
13625California, n.:
13626 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
13627Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
13628"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
13629 -- Ed Moran
13630%
13631Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
13632and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
13633coffee.
13634%
13635Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
13636 -- Indian proverb
13637%
13638Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
13639current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
13640damnation.
13641 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
13642 Life of Hall"
13643
13644 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
13645 referring to logical names.]
13646%
13647"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
13648Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
13649%
13650Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
13651 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
13652%
13653Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
13654Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
13655Calm down, and speak to me in English,
13656Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
13657%
13658Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
13659Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
13660Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
13661%
13662Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
13663 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
13664%
13665Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
13666who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
13667 -- Clarence Darrow
13668%
13669Campbell's Law:
13670 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
13671%
13672Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
13673%
13674Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
13675points.
13676 -- M. M. Johnston
13677%
13678Can anyone remember when the times
13679were not hard, and money not scarce?
13680%
13681Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
13682Yes, work never begun.
13683%
13684Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
13685only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
13686 -- Robert J. Ringer
13687%
13688Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
13689 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
13690
13691Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
13692 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
13693%
13694Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
13695It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
13696 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
13697%
13698Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
13699Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
13700A root or two, a torus and a node:
13701The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
13702 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13703%
13704CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13705 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
13706 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
13707 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
13708 when you're poor and unhappy.
13709%
13710CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13711 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
13712problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
13713off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
13714recipients are Cancer people.
13715%
13716Canonical, adj.:
13717 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
13718One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
13719of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
13720much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
13721Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
13722fashion without thinking.
13723 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
13724 Stallman: "What did he say?"
13725 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
13726%
13727Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
13728 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
13729 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
13730%
13731Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
13732%
13733Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
13734%
13735Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
13736the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
13737 -- John Maynard Keynes
13738%
13739CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
13740 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
13741 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
13742 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
13743 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
13744 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
13745%
13746CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
13747 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
13748 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
13749 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
13750%
13751CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
13752 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
13753 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
13754 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
13755 too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
13756%
13757Captain Penny's Law:
13758 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
13759 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
13760%
13761Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
13762%
13763Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
13764Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
13765mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
13766takes.
13767%
13768Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
13769trousers that don't match.
13770%
13771Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
13772the name Craney incorrectly.
13773 -- Jim Canrey
13774%
13775Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
13776fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
13777the same can be said of dirt.
13778%
13779Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
13780 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
13781dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
13782putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
13783 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13784%
13785Carson's Consolation:
13786 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
13787 It can always be used as a bad example.
13788%
13789Carson's Observation on Footwear:
13790 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
13791%
13792Carswell's Corollary:
13793 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
13794 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
13795%
13796Cat, n.:
13797 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
13798%
13799Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
13800 -- The Beach Boys
13801%
13802Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
13803 -- Howard Chaykin
13804%
13805Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
13806%
13807Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
13808 -- Garrison Keillor
13809%
13810Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
13811a sled through the snow.
13812%
13813Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
13814%
13815Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
13816 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
13817%
13818Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
13819%
13820Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
13821%
13822CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
13823%
13824CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
13825%
13826Cecil, you're my final hope
13827Of finding out the true Straight Dope
13828For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
13829But none of my cats are at all like that.
13830This unusual animal (so it is said)
13831Is simultaneously alive and dead!
13832What I don't understand is just why he
13833Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
13834My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
13835In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
13836If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
13837And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
13838But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
13839Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
13840 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
13841 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
13842%
13843Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
13844%
13845Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
13846of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
13847incorrect model can be a useful tool.
13848 -- Kelvin Throop III
13849%
13850Census Taker to Housewife:
13851Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
13852%
13853Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
13854%
13855cerebral atrophy, n:
13856 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
13857impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
13858symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
13859performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
13860everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
13861and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
13862victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
13863
13864cerebral darwinism, n:
13865 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
13866through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
13867alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
13868the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
13869first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
13870imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
13871Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
13872performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
13873%
13874Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
13875Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
13876Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
13877 out of it?
13878Jaka: Ugh!
13879Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
13880 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
13881%
13882Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
13883walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
13884then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
13885health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
13886not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
13887only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
13888others who have tried it.
13889 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13890%
13891
13892Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
13893most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
13894Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
13895reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
13896nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
13897but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
13898nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
13899 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
13900%
13901Certainly the game is rigged.
13902Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
13903 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
13904%
13905Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
13906But it's very funny --
13907did you ever try buying them without money?
13908 -- Ogden Nash
13909%
13910C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
13911%
13912C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
13913 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
13914%
13915CF&C stole it, fair and square.
13916 -- Tim Hahn
13917%
13918Chairman of the Bored.
13919%
13920Chamberlain's Laws:
13921 1: The big guys always win.
13922 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
13923%
13924Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
13925Ain't nobody's business but my own.
13926 -- Taj Mahal
13927%
13928Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
13929 -- Anatole France
13930%
13931Change your thoughts and you change your world.
13932%
13933Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
13934 -- Kathleen Norris
13935%
13936Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
13937%
13938Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
13939
13940 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
13941Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
13942that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
13943quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
13944mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
13945a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
13946can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
13947race in general.
13948%
13949character density, n.:
13950 The number of very weird people in the office.
13951%
13952Character is what you are in the dark!
13953 -- Lord John Whorfin
13954%
13955CHARITY:
13956 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
13957%
13958Charity begins at home.
13959 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
13960%
13961Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
13962Linus: To make others happy.
13963Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
13964%
13965Charlie was a chemist,
13966But Charlie is no more.
13967What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
13968%
13969Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
13970without having asked any clear question.
13971%
13972Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
13973%
13974Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
13975they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
13976%
13977checkuary, n:
13978 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
13979 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
13980%
13981Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
13982%
13983Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
13984 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
13985%
13986Chef, n:
13987 Any cook who swears in French.
13988%
13989Cheit's Lament:
13990 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
13991 the next time he's in need.
13992%
13993Chemicals, n.:
13994 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
13995%
13996Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
13997%
13998Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
13999%
14000Chemistry is applied theology.
14001 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
14002%
14003Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
14004%
14005Cheops' Law:
14006 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
14007%
14008"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
14009 which way I ought to go from here?"
14010"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
14011"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
14012"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
14013%
14014Chess tonight.
14015%
14016Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
14017%
14018Chicago, n.:
14019 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
14020%
14021Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
14022 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
14023headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
14024 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
14025%
14026Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
14027 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
14028for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
14029cheerfully baste you.
14030 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
14031%
14032Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
14033Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
14034%
14035Chicken Little only has to be right once.
14036%
14037Chicken Little was right.
14038%
14039Chicken Soup:
14040 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
14041 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
14042 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
14043 -- Arthur Naiman
14044%
14045Chicken Soup, n.:
14046 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
14047cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
14048is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
14049 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
14050%
14051Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
14052shivers when it's warm.
14053%
14054Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
14055them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
14056%
14057Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
14058despite every effort to teach them good manners.
14059%
14060Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
14061going to catch you in next.
14062 -- Franklin P. Jones
14063%
14064Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
14065And that's what parents were created for.
14066 -- Ogden Nash
14067%
14068Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
14069Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
14070 -- Oscar Wilde
14071%
14072Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
14073repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
14074%
14075Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
14076 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
14077%
14078Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
14079%
14080Chism's Law of Completion:
14081 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
14082 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
14083%
14084Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
14085 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
14086%
14087Chivalry, Schmivalry!
14088 Roger the thief has a
14089 method he uses for
14090 sneaky attacks:
14091Folks who are reading are
14092 Characteristically
14093 Always Forgetting to
14094 Guard their own bac ...
14095%
14096Chocolate Chip.
14097%
14098Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
14099a friend if she were a man.
14100 -- Joubert
14101%
14102Chorus:
14103 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
14104 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
14105 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
14106 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
14107She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
14108And we begged her not to go.
14109But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
14110And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
14111 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
14112 And incriminating claus-marks on her
14113Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
14114He's been taking this so well.
14115See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
14116Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
14117 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
14118 They should never give a license,
14119 To a man who drives a sleigh and
14120 plays with elves!
14121 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
14122%
14123Christ:
14124 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
14125%
14126Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
14127%
14128Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
14129difficult and not tried.
14130 -- G. K. Chesterton
14131%
14132Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
14133 -- George Bernard Shaw
14134%
14135Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
14136Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
14137Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
14138Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
14139
14140On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
14141Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
14142There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
14143The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
14144
14145It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
14146It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
14147Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
14148What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
14149 Angels We Have Heard On High,
14150Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
14151Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
14152Driving his reindeer across the sky,
14153Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
14154 -- Tom Lehrer
14155%
14156Churchill's Commentary on Man:
14157 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
14158 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
14159%
14160Cigarette, n.:
14161 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
14162between.
14163%
14164Cinemuck, n.:
14165 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
14166 covers the floors of movie theaters.
14167 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
14168%
14169Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
14170 -- Herodotus
14171%
14172Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
14173 -- Calvin Coolidge
14174%
14175Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
14176See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
14177%
14178Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
14179 -- Mark Twain
14180%
14181clairvoyant, n.:
14182 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
14183which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
14184 -- Ambrose Bierce
14185%
14186Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
14187aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
14188 -- Samuel Johnson
14189%
14190Clarke's Conclusion:
14191 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
14192%
14193Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
14194Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
14195 -- "Bugsy" Siegel
14196%
14197Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
14198leading the parade.
14199 -- Bill Battie
14200%
14201Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
14202 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
14203%
14204Clay's Conclusion:
14205 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
14206%
14207Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
14208the walk before it stops snowing.
14209 -- Phyllis Diller
14210%
14211There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
14212the dirt doesn't get any worse.
14213 -- Quentin Crisp
14214%
14215Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
14216 -- P. J. O'Rourke
14217%
14218Cleanliness is next to impossible.
14219%
14220CLEVELAND:
14221 Where their last tornado did six
14222 million dollars worth of improvements.
14223%
14224Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead.
14225%
14226Cleveland?
14227Yes, I spent a week there one day.
14228%
14229Climate and Surgery
14230 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
14231received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
14232the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
14233day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
14234riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
14235recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
14236 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
14237%
14238Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
14239 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
14240 "Well, yes, I am."
14241 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
14242 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
14243me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
14244passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
14245please?" it asked the bartender.
14246 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
14247"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
14248 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
14249%
14250clone, n:
14251 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
14252 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
14253 is a clone of our product."
14254%
14255Clones are people two.
14256%
14257Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
14258%
14259Clothes make the man.
14260Naked people have little or no influence on society.
14261 -- Mark Twain
14262%
14263Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
14264 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
14265 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
14266 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
14267%
14268Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
14269Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
14270 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14271
14272Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
14273Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
14274 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14275
14276Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
14277Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
14278 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14279%
14280Coach: How's it going, Norm?
14281Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
14282 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
14283
14284Sam: What's up, Norm?
14285Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
14286 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
14287
14288Coach: What's the story, Norm?
14289Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
14290 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
14291%
14292Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
14293Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
14294 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
14295
14296Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
14297Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
14298 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
14299
14300Sam: What will you have, Norm?
14301Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
14302 of whatever comes out of that tap.
14303Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
14304Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
14305 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
14306%
14307Coach: What's up, Norm?
14308Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
14309 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14310
14311Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
14312Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
14313 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14314
14315Coach: Beer, Normie?
14316Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
14317 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
14318 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14319%
14320COBOL:
14321 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
14322%
14323COBOL:
14324 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
14325%
14326COBOL is for morons.
14327 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14328%
14329Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
14330%
14331Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
14332%
14333Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh".
14334 -- Wes Peters
14335%
14336Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
14337terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
14338%
14339Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
14340"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
14341 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14342%
14343"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
14344 -- Blair Houghton
14345%
14346Cohen's Law:
14347 There is no bottom to worse.
14348%
14349Cohn's Law:
14350 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
14351 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
14352 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
14353%
14354Coincidence, n.:
14355 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
14356going on.
14357%
14358Coincidences are spiritual puns.
14359 -- G. K. Chesterton
14360%
14361Cold, adj.:
14362 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
14363%
14364Cold, adj.:
14365 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
14366pockets.
14367%
14368Cold hands, no gloves.
14369%
14370Cole's Law:
14371 Thinly sliced cabbage.
14372%
14373Collaboration, n.:
14374 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
14375other fellow can spell.
14376%
14377COLLEGE:
14378 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
14379%
14380College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
14381faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
14382the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
14383legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
14384loss to humanity.
14385 -- H. L. Mencken
14386%
14387COLORADO:
14388 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
14389%
14390Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
14391%
14392Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
14393
143940. integrated 0. management 0. options
143951. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
143962. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
143973. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
143984. functional 4. digital 4. programming
143995. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
144006. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
144017. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
144028. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
144039. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
14404
14405 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
14406the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
14407"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
14408virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
14409one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
14410"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
14411 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
14412%
14413Colvard's Logical Premises:
14414 All probabilities are 50%.
14415Either a thing will happen or it won't.
14416
14417Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
14418 This is especially true when
14419 dealing with someone you're attracted to.
14420
14421Grelb's Commentary:
14422 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
14423%
14424Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
14425And every vector dreams of matrices.
14426Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
14427It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
14428 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14429%
14430Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
14431Your winter garment of repentance fling.
14432The bird of time has but a little way
14433To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
14434 -- Omar Khayyam
14435%
14436Come home America.
14437 -- George McGovern, 1972
14438%
14439Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
14440Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
14441 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
14442%
14443Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
14444Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
14445Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
14446Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
14447 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14448%
14449Come live with me, and be my love,
14450And we will some new pleasures prove
14451Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
14452With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14453 -- John Donne
14454%
14455Come live with me and be my love,
14456And we will some new pleasures prove
14457Of golden sands and crystal brooks
14458With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14459There's nothing that I wouldn't do
14460If you would be my POSSLQ.
14461
14462You live with me, and I with you,
14463And you will be my POSSLQ.
14464I'll be your friend and so much more;
14465That's what a POSSLQ is for.
14466
14467And everything we will confess;
14468Yes, even to the IRS.
14469Some day on what we both may earn,
14470Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
14471You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
14472You'll share my life - up to a point!
14473And that you'll be so glad to do,
14474Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
14475%
14476Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
14477 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
14478%
14479Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
14480 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
14481%
14482Come, you spirits
14483That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
14484And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
14485Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
14486Stop up the access and passage to remorse
14487That no compunctious visiting of nature
14488Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
14489The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
14490And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
14491Wherever in your sightless substances
14492You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
14493And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
14494That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
14495Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
14496To cry `Hold, hold!'
14497 -- Lady MacBeth
14498%
14499Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
14500%
14501Coming to Stores Near You:
14502
14503101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
14504
14505 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
14506 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
14507 I'm Not Misbehaving
14508
14509And A Whole Lot More...
14510%
14511Coming together is a beginning;
14512 keeping together is progress;
14513 working together is success.
14514%
14515Command, n.:
14516 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
14517such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
14518%
14519Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
14520 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
14521%
14522Commitment, n.:
14523 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
14524The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
14525%
14526Committee, n.:
14527 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
14528decide that nothing can be done.
14529 -- Fred Allen
14530%
14531Committee Rules:
14532 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
14533 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
14534 stamps you as being wise.
14535 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
14536 others.
14537 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
14538 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
14539 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
14540%
14541Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
14542be appointed to do the work.
14543%
14544Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
14545different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
14546 -- Clive James
14547%
14548Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
14549 -- Josh Billings
14550%
14551Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
14552 -- Albert Einstein
14553%
14554Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
14555Everyone thinks he has enough.
14556 -- Descartes, 1637
14557%
14558Commoner's three laws of ecology:
14559 1) No action is without side-effects.
14560 2) Nothing ever goes away.
14561 3) There is no free lunch.
14562%
14563Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
14564%
14565Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
14566of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
14567 -- David Guaspari
14568%
14569Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
14570has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
14571either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
14572stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
14573misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
14574the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
14575characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
14576 -- Dan Klein
14577%
14578COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
14579one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
14580 -- J. N. Gray
14581%
14582Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
14583is in the eye of the beholder.
14584 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
14585%
14586Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
14587courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
14588be enough.
14589 -- Gene Scott
14590%
14591COMPLEX SYSTEM:
14592 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
14593%
14594COMPLIMENT:
14595 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
14596%
14597compuberty, n:
14598 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
14599 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
14600 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
14601%
14602COMPUTER:
14603 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
14604 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
14605 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
14606%
14607Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
14608%
14609Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
14610%
14611Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
14612%
14613COMPUTER SCIENCE:
14614 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
14615 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
14616 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
14617 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
14618 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
14619 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
14620 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
14621%
14622Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
14623telescopes.
14624 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14625%
14626Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
14627adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
14628 -- Jim Horning
14629%
14630Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
14631%
14632Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
14633Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
14634 -- Gilb
14635%
14636Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
14637 -- Pablo Picasso
14638%
14639Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
14640the world that just don't add up.
14641%
14642Computers don't actually think.
14643 You just think they think.
14644 (We think.)
14645%
14646Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
14647than the estimate the job will cost.
14648%
14649Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
14650 -- LaRouchefoucauld
14651%
14652Concept, n.:
14653 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
14654$25,000.
14655%
14656Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
14657from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
14658 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
14659%
14660Condense soup, not books!
14661%
14662CONFERENCE:
14663 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
14664 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
14665 he's already decided to do.
14666%
14667Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
14668confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
14669 -- Josh Billings
14670%
14671Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
14672%
14673Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
14674that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
14675 -- Peter de Vries
14676%
14677Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
14678the reputation.
14679 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
14680%
14681Confidant, confidante, n:
14682 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
14683 -- Ambrose Bierce
14684%
14685Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
14686fall flag on your face.
14687 -- Dr. L. Binder
14688%
14689Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
14690%
14691CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
14692 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
14693%
14694Conflicting research paradigms
14695Have legitimized various crimes.
14696 The worst we can see
14697 Is in psychology,
14698Measuring reaction times.
14699%
14700Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
14701%
14702Confucius say too damn much!
14703%
14704Confucius say too much.
14705 -- Recent Chinese Proverb
14706%
14707Confusion will be my epitaph
14708as I walk a cracked and broken path
14709If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
14710but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
14711 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
14712%
14713Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
14714If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
14715hesitate to ask!
14716%
14717Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
14718would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
14719you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
14720maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
14721OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
14722UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
14723IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
14724WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
14725SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
14726RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
14727RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
14728FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
14729 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
14730%
14731Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
14732
14733He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
14734Year award.
14735%
14736"Congratulations!
14737
14738Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If
14739v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing
14740a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker
14741with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into
14742a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it
14743left."
14744
14745 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain
14746 nameless to the development team after releasing
14747 the second version of their product.
14748%
14749Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
14750
14751 Mathematician's Proof:
14752 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
14753 odd numbers are prime.
14754 Physicist's Proof:
14755 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
14756 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14757 Engineer's Proof:
14758 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
14759 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14760 Computer Scientists's Proof:
14761 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
14762%
14763Connector Conspiracy, n:
14764 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
14765KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
14766manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
14767to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
14768stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
14769interface devices.
14770%
14771Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
14772%
14773Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
14774 -- Shakespeare
14775%
14776Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
14777 -- H. L. Mencken
14778%
14779Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
14780when everything else feels great.
14781%
14782Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
14783 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
14784%
14785Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
14786wish you weren't.
14787%
14788CONSENT DECREE:
14789 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
14790 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
14791 never admitted to in the first place.
14792%
14793"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
14794 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
14795%
14796Conservative:
14797 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
14798 -- Leo C. Rosten
14799%
14800Conservative, n:
14801 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
14802 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
14803 -- Ambrose Bierce
14804%
14805"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
14806 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
14807%
14808Consider the following axioms carefully:
14809 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
14810 and
14811 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
14812What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
14813thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
14814consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
14815%
14816Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
14817it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
14818 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
14819%
14820Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
14821the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
14822 -- Josh Billings
14823%
14824CONSULTANT:
14825 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
14826 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
14827 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
14828 Calculator, Will Travel.
14829%
14830CONSULTANT:
14831 An ordinary man a long way from home.
14832%
14833CONSULTANT:
14834 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
14835 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
14836 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
14837 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
14838 and heavy wallet.
14839%
14840CONSULTANT:
14841 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
14842 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
14843%
14844Consultants are mystical people who ask a
14845company for a number and then give it back to them.
14846%
14847CONSULTATION:
14848 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
14849%
14850Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
14851the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
14852we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
14853will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
14854seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
14855 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
14856%
14857"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
14858if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
14859 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
14860%
14861"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
14862technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
14863%
14864Convention is the ruler of all.
14865 -- Pindar
14866%
14867Conversation enriches the understanding,
14868but solitude is the school of genius.
14869%
14870Conversation, n.:
14871 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
14872is called the listener.
14873%
14874Conway's Law:
14875 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
14876 what is going on.
14877
14878 This person must be fired.
14879%
14880Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
14881line-up.
14882 -- Raymond Chandler
14883%
14884COPYING MACHINE:
14885 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
14886 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
14887 interested in reading them.
14888%
14889Coronation, n.:
14890 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
14891visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
14892bomb.
14893 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14894%
14895Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
14896 -- Goethe
14897%
14898Corrupt, adj.:
14899 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
14900%
14901Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
14902of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
14903capitalism.
14904 -- Walter Lippmann
14905%
14906Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
14907His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
14908 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
14909%
14910Corry's Law:
14911 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
14912%
14913Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
14914at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
14915the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
14916mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
14917being easier to stake.
14918%
14919Counting in binary is just like counting
14920in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
14921 -- Glaser and Way
14922%
14923Counting in octal is just like counting
14924in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
14925 -- Tom Lehrer
14926%
14927Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
14928%
14929Courage is grace under pressure.
14930%
14931Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
14932 -- Mark Twain
14933%
14934Courage is your greatest present need.
14935%
14936court, n.:
14937 A place where they dispense with justice.
14938 -- Arthur Train
14939%
14940Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
14941 -- William Congreve
14942%
14943Coward, n.:
14944 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
14945 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14946%
14947[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
14948with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
14949 -- Wernher von Braun
14950%
14951Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
14952%
14953Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
14954process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
14955attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
14956enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
14957and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
14958between adequacy and excellence.
14959%
14960Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
14961peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
14962ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
14963say it was obvious all along.
14964 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
14965%
14966Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
14967%
14968Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
14969sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
14970%
14971Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
14972 -- James Blish
14973%
14974CREDITOR:
14975 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
14976%
14977Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
14978 If you are the first to know about something bad,
14979 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
14980 regardless of your formal duties.
14981%
14982Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
14983 -- A. E. Neuman
14984%
14985Critic, n.:
14986 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
14987 to please him.
14988 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14989%
14990Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
14991 -- Zeuxis
14992%
14993Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
14994seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
14995 -- Brendan Behan
14996%
14997Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
14998 -- Socrates' last words
14999%
15000Croll's Query:
15001 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
15002%
15003Cropp's Law:
15004 The amount of work done varies inversely
15005 with the time spent in the office.
15006%
15007Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
15008 -- Madonna
15009%
15010Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
15011 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
15012 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
15013 much work has already been done on it.
15014%
15015Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
15016%
15017Crush! Kill! Destroy!
15018%
15019Cthulhu Cthucks!
15020%
15021Cthulhu for President!
15022 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
15023%
15024Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
15025%
15026Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
15027%
15028Cure the disease and kill the patient.
15029 -- Francis Bacon
15030%
15031CURSOR:
15032 One whose program will not run.
15033 -- Robb Russon
15034%
15035cursor address, n:
15036 "Hello, cursor!"
15037 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15038%
15039curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
15040environment.
15041 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
15042addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
15043matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
15044people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
15045Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
15046The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
15047the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
15048order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
15049Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
15050check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
15051possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
15052columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
15053cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
15054with us.
15055
15056MOZ DONG n.
15057 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
15058Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
15059Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
15060 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15061%
15062Custer committed Siouxicide.
15063%
15064Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
15065of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
15066 -- Gerry Youghkins
15067
15068If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
15069don't like it.
15070 -- Gerry Youghkins
15071%
15072Cutler Webster's Law:
15073 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
15074 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
15075%
15076Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
15077eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
15078business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
15079 -- Johnny Hart
15080%
15081CYNIC:
15082 Experienced.
15083%
15084Cynic, n.:
15085 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
15086as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
15087out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
15088 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15089%
15090Cynic, n.:
15091 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
15092eye.
15093%
15094Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
15095several of us died of tuberculosis.
15096 -- Jack Handey
15097%
15098<Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser,
15099though?
15100
15101<``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing
15102it lacks is a decent editor
15103%
15104DALLAS:
15105 The city that chose Astroturf to
15106 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
15107%
15108Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
15109%
15110Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
15111%
15112"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
15113%
15114Damn braces.
15115 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
15116%
15117Damn, I need a Coke!
15118 -- Dr. William DeVries
15119 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
15120%
15121DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
15122%
15123Dare to be naive.
15124 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
15125%
15126Dark and lonely on a summer night
15127 Kill my landlord,
15128 Kill my landlord.
15129The watchdog barkin'
15130Do he bite?
15131 Kill my landlord,
15132 Kill my landlord.
15133Slip in his window.
15134Break his neck.
15135Then his house I start to wreck
15136Got no reason,
15137What the heck?
15138 Kill my landlord,
15139 Kill my landlord.
15140 C-I-L-L my landlord!
15141 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
15142%
15143Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
15144opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
15145 -- Oliver Herford
15146%
15147Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
15148 -- Princess Leia Organa
15149%
15150Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
15151%
15152DATA:
15153 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
15154%
15155DATA:
15156 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
15157 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
15158%
15159Data is not information;
15160Information is not knowledge;
15161Knowledge is not wisdom;
15162 -- Gary Flake
15163%
15164Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
15165Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
15166%
15167David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
15168
15169 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
15170 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
15171 * Hourly motel rates
15172 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
15173 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
15174 like some countries we could mention
15175 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
15176 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
15177 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
15178%
15179Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
15180 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
15181 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
15182%
15183Davis's Dictum:
15184 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
15185%
15186Dawn, n.:
15187 The time when men of reason go to bed.
15188 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15189%
15190Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
15191%
15192%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
15193-SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
15194%
15195DEADWOOD:
15196 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
15197%
15198Dealing with failure is easy:
15199 Work hard to improve.
15200Success is also easy to handle:
15201 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
15202%
15203Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
15204all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
15205 -- C. N. Parkinson
15206%
15207Dear Emily:
15208 How can I choose what groups to post in?
15209 -- Confused
15210
15211Dear Confused:
15212 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
15213all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
15214should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
15215Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
15216 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
15217that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
15218expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
15219header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
15220the fringe groups.
15221 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15222%
15223Dear Emily:
15224 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
15225summarize. What should I do?
15226 -- Editor
15227
15228Dear Editor:
15229 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
15230that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
15231replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
15232summarizing a vote.
15233 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15234%
15235Dear Emily:
15236 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
15237What should I do?
15238 -- Doubtful
15239
15240Dear Doubtful:
15241 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
15242dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
15243much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
15244mail.
15245 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15246%
15247Dear Emily:
15248 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
15249I do?
15250 -- Angry
15251
15252Dear Angry:
15253 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
15254between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
15255looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
15256point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
15257lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
15258 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15259%
15260Dear Emily:
15261 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
15262tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
15263his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
15264Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
15265 -- A Concerned Citizen
15266
15267Dear Concerned:
15268 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
15269experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
15270will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
15271represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
15272act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
15273society.
15274 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
15275like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
15276understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
15277literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
15278possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
15279they are always interested in good stories.
15280%
15281Dear Emily:
15282 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
15283to. How about an example?
15284 -- Still Confused
15285
15286Dear Still:
15287 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
15288the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
15289would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
15290big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
15291as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
15292news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
15293 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
15294He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
15295interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
15296soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
15297news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
15298interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
15299well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
15300there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
15301 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
15302group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
15303will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
15304 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15305%
15306Dear Emily:
15307 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
15308What should I do?
15309 -- Forgetful
15310
15311Dear Forgetful:
15312 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
15313"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
15314it is."
15315 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
15316(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
15317signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
15318about the signature anyway.
15319 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15320%
15321Dear Emily, what about test messages?
15322 -- Concerned
15323
15324Dear Concerned:
15325 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
15326merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
15327ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
15328a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
15329but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
15330by all USEnauts.
15331 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15332%
15333Dear Freshman,
15334 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
15335unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
15336prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
15337mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
15338%
15339Dear Lord:
15340 I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
15341the other hand", again.
15342%
15343Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
15344have to eat them.
15345%
15346Dear Miss Manners:
15347 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
15348elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
15349courses, is all right. Which is correct?
15350
15351Gentle Reader:
15352 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
15353economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
15354of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
15355correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
15356%
15357Dear Miss Manners:
15358 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
15359your face.
15360
15361Gentle Reader:
15362 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
15363your face ...
15364%
15365Dear Miss Manners:
15366I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
15367rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
15368This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
15369protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
15370soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
15371and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
15372umbrella without seeming insulting?
15373
15374Gentle Reader:
15375Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
15376although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
15377attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
15378Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
15379before making your attack.
15380%
15381Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
15382of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
15383will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
15384commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
15385"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
15386table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
15387says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
15388"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
15389complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
15390if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
15391dead bat?
15392
15393Answer: Yes.
15394 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15395%
15396Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
15397
15398Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
15399to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
15400WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
15401Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
15402small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
15403words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
15404 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15405%
15406Dear Ms. Postnews:
15407 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
15408 should I do?
15409 -- Eager Beaver
15410
15411Dear Eager:
15412 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
15413read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
15414posting it. All others please ignore."
15415 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
15416over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
15417time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
15418maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
15419your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
15420directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
15421as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
15422 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
15423money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
15424letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
15425 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
15426so post it as many places as you can.
15427 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15428%
15429Dear Sir,
15430 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
15431to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
15432places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
15433being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
15434employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
15435 Yours faithfully,
15436 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
15437 Sevenoaks
15438 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
15439%
15440Death before dishonor.
15441But neither before breakfast.
15442%
15443Death comes on every passing breeze,
15444He lurks in every flower;
15445Each season has its own disease,
15446Its peril -- every hour.
15447 -- Reginald Heber
15448%
15449Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
15450%
15451Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
15452of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
15453 -- Erma Bombeck
15454%
15455Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
15456%
15457Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
15458 -- R. Geis
15459%
15460Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
15461%
15462Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
15463%
15464Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
15465%
15466Death is only a state of mind.
15467
15468Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
15469%
15470Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
15471%
15472Death to all fanatics!
15473%
15474DEATH WISH:
15475 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
15476%
15477Debug is human, de-fix divine.
15478%
15479DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
15480 -- Mel Ferentz
15481%
15482Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
15483erra, n: A mistake.
15484faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
15485Linder, n: A female name.
15486memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
15487New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
15488New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
15489Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
15490Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
15491ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
15492 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
15493 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
15494%
15495Decision maker, n.:
15496 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
15497before the music stopped.
15498%
15499Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
15500whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
15501not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
15502or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
15503(unless struck by a boomerang).
15504 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
15505%
15506Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
15507 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
15508%
15509Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
15510that your life is more interesting than it really is.
15511 -- C. Schultz
15512%
15513"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
15514marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
15515quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
15516claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
15517 -- Randy Davis
15518%
15519DEFAULT:
15520 The hardware's, of course.
15521%
15522default, n.:
15523 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
15524mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
15525come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
15526 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15527%
15528Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
15529 -- Bill Musselman
15530%
15531#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
15532#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
15533 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
15534 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
15535
15536 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
15537%
15538Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
15539
15540 Hardware is what you kick;
15541 Software is what you curse.
15542%
15543Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
15544%
15545(defun NF (a c)
15546 (cond ((null c) () )
15547 ((atom (car c))
15548 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
15549 (nf a (cddr c))))
15550 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
15551
15552(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
15553 (cond
15554 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
15555 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
15556 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
15557 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
15558 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
15559 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
15560 (car 2 caadr 4)))
15561 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
15562;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
15563%
15564DEJA VU:
15565 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
15566 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15567 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15568 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15569 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15570%
15571Delay is preferable to error.
15572 -- Thomas Jefferson
15573%
15574Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
15575 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
15576
15577Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
15578 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
15579
15580 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
15581 referring to I/O system services.]
15582%
15583Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
15584related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
15585entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
15586into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
15587to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
15588history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
15589can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
15590for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
15591are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
15592 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
15593
15594I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
15595more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
15596with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
15597child.
15598 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
15599%
15600Deliberation, n.:
15601 The act of examining one's bread
15602 to determine which side it is buttered on.
15603 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15604%
15605Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
15606%
15607Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
15608skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
15609to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
15610overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
15611apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
15612as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
15613steroid-free fitness center.
15614 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
15615%
15616Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
15617her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
15618nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
15619%
15620Demand the establishment of the government
15621in its rightful home at Disneyland.
15622%
15623Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
15624 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
15625%
15626Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
15627 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
15628%
15629Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
15630we deserve.
15631 -- George Bernard Shaw
15632%
15633Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
15634aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
15635 -- Senator Soaper
15636%
15637Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
15638incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
15639 -- George Bernard Shaw
15640%
15641Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
15642don't think.
15643%
15644Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
15645will get the blame.
15646 -- Laurence J. Peter
15647%
15648Democracy is also a form of worship.
15649It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
15650 -- H. L. Mencken
15651%
15652Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
15653 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
15654%
15655Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
15656 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
15657%
15658Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
15659of the people are right more than half of the time.
15660 -- E. B. White
15661%
15662Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
15663deserve to get it good and hard.
15664 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
15665%
15666Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
15667forms that have been tried from time to time.
15668 -- Winston Churchill
15669%
15670Democracy, n:
15671 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
15672or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
15673toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
15674law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
15675upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
15676restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
15677agitation, discontent, anarchy.
15678 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
15679 since withdrawn.
15680%
15681Democracy, n:
15682 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
15683 -- Gerald Barry
15684
15685The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
15686Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
15687you don't have to waste your time voting.
15688 -- Charles Bukowski
15689%
15690Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
15691Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
15692
15693Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
15694The remainder is thrown out.
15695
15696Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
15697
15698Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
15699Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
15700
15701Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
15702windows by Democrats.
15703 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
15704%
15705Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
15706board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
15707%
15708Dental health is next to mental health.
15709%
15710Dentist, n.:
15711 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
15712 pulls coins out of one's pockets.
15713 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15714%
15715Denver, n:
15716 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
15717%
15718Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
15719%
15720Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
15721%
15722Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
15723%
15724Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
15725but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
15726 -- R. E. Shay
15727%
15728Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
15729%
15730Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
15731und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
15732%
15733design, v:
15734 What you regret not doing later on.
15735%
15736Desist from enumerating your fowl
15737prior to their emergence from the shell.
15738%
15739Despising machines to a man,
15740The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
15741 And ride out by night
15742 In a sheeting of white
15743To lynch all the robots they can.
15744 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
15745%
15746Despite all appearances, your boss
15747is a thinking, feeling, human being.
15748%
15749Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
15750be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
15751the table.
15752 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
15753%
15754Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
15755don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
15756 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
15757%
15758Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
15759%
15760DeVries' Dilemma:
15761 If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
15762 the one you don't want hits the paper.
15763%
15764Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
15765fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
15766 -- L. Ron Hubbard
15767%
15768Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
15769 Some do, some don't.
15770%
15771Did I say 2? I lied.
15772%
15773Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
15774and slim chance mean the same thing?
15775
15776Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
15777%
15778Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
15779has already been born?
15780 -- Benny Hill
15781%
15782Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
15783that's how dogs spend their lives.
15784 -- Sue Murphy
15785%
15786Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
15787%
15788"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?"
15789 -- Zippy the Pinhead
15790%
15791Did you hear about the model who sat
15792on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
15793%
15794Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
15795Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
15796
15797Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
15798%
15799Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
15800the number zero?
15801
15802Is nothing sacred?
15803%
15804Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
15805only recaptured 116 of them?
15806%
15807Did you know?
15808 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
15809 APPROXIMATELY
15810 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
15811 KILLED
15812
15813 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
15814 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
15815 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
15816
15817A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
15818
15819 SPONSORED BY
15820 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
15821 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
15822 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
15823 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
15824
15825Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
15826%
15827Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
15828selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
15829try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
15830select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
15831set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
15832should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
15833%
15834Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
15835 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15836%
15837Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
15838 -- P. J. Plauger
15839%
15840Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
15841them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
15842%
15843Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
15844that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
15845
15846 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
15847 squirrel."
15848
15849 -- ihuxw!tommyo
15850%
15851Did you know the University of Iowa
15852closed down after someone stole the book?
15853%
15854Did you know....
15855
15856That no-one ever reads these things?
15857%
15858Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
15859Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
15860It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
15861Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
15862 -- Lovin' Spoonful
15863%
15864Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
15865%
15866"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?"
15867 -- Zippy the Pinhead
15868%
15869Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
15870would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
15871 -- John Barrymore's dying words
15872%
15873Die, v.:
15874 To stop sinning suddenly.
15875 -- Elbert Hubbard
15876%
15877Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
15878 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
15879%
15880Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
15881%
15882Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
15883%
15884Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
15885 -- Don Vonada
15886%
15887Dignity is like a flag.
15888It flaps in a storm.
15889 -- Roy Mengot
15890%
15891Dime is money.
15892%
15893Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
15894only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
15895for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
15896%
15897Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
15898%
15899Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
15900 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
15901 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
15902 1 carton milk
15903%
15904Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
15905%
15906Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
15907truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
15908%
15909Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
15910asked him, after a few days.
15911 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
15912%
15913Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
15914Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
15915 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
15916%
15917Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
15918 -- Daniele Vare
15919%
15920Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
15921 -- Wynn Catlin
15922%
15923Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
15924 -- Balfour
15925%
15926diplomacy, n:
15927 Lying in state.
15928%
15929Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
15930
15931 1: Get elected.
15932 2: Get re-elected.
15933 3: Don't get mad, get even.
15934 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
15935%
15936disbar, n:
15937 As distinguished from some other bar.
15938%
15939Disc space -- the final frontier!
15940%
15941Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
15942employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
15943coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
15944non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
15945absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
15946The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
15947the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
15948non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
15949%
15950Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
15951yours too."
15952 -- Dave Haynie
15953%
15954DISCLAIMER:
15955Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
15956an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
15957%
15958Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
15959%
15960Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
15961%
15962Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
15963 -- Chinese proverb
15964%
15965Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
15966 -- Euripides
15967%
15968Disk crisis, please clean up!
15969%
15970Disks travel in packs.
15971%
15972Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
15973Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
15974%
15975Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
15976but it does make you part of a larger picture.
15977%
15978Distinctive, adj.:
15979 A different color or shape than our competitors.
15980%
15981Distress, n.:
15982 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
15983 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15984%
15985District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
15986injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
15987damage inflicted on the vehicle.
15988%
15989Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
15990acquaintance and without any visible reason.
15991 -- Lord Chesterfield
15992%
15993Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
15994%
15995Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
15996 -- Cary Grant
15997%
15998Do clones have navels?
15999%
16000Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
16001 -- Amy Gorin
16002%
16003Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
16004%
16005Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
16006%
16007Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
16008%
16009Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
16010%
16011Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
16012%
16013Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
16014%
16015Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
16016 -- Aesop
16017%
16018Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
16019your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
16020a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
16021cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
16022of them ever committed suicide.
16023 -- Henry David Thoreau
16024%
16025Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
16026Their tastes may not be the same.
16027 -- George Bernard Shaw
16028%
16029Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
16030%
16031Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
16032 -- Robert Heinlein
16033%
16034Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
16035%
16036"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
16037with ketchup."
16038%
16039Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
16040for they become soggy and hard to light.
16041
16042Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
16043for they are subtle and quick to anger.
16044%
16045Do not overtax your powers.
16046%
16047Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
16048Violators will be prosecuted.
16049(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
16050%
16051Do not seek death; death will find you.
16052But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
16053 -- Dag Hammarskjold
16054%
16055Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
16056%
16057Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
16058%
16059Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
16060%
16061Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
16062learn to dread each day as it comes.
16063 -- Donald Kaul
16064%
16065Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
16066%
16067Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
16068word "lies".
16069 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
16070%
16071Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
16072%
16073Do not worry about which side your
16074bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
16075%
16076Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
16077%
16078Do, or do not; there is no try.
16079%
16080Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
16081%
16082Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
16083%
16084Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
16085%
16086Do unto others before they undo you.
16087%
16088Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
16089%
16090Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
16091 -- Aleister Crowley
16092%
16093Do what you can to prolong your life,
16094in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
16095%
16096Do you believe in intuition?
16097No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
16098%
16099Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
16100Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
16101Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
16102Can you see your neck?
16103Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
16104If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
16105This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
16106 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
16107 -- Garfield
16108%
16109Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
16110%
16111Do you have lysdexia?
16112%
16113Do YOU have redeeming social value?
16114%
16115Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
16116I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
16117think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
16118think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
16119like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
16120fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
16121to think at all.
16122 -- T. H. White
16123%
16124Do you know Montana?
16125%
16126Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
16127is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
16128 -- Pete Seeger
16129%
16130Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
16131answer, but a certain wrong answer?
16132 -- Tobaben
16133%
16134Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
16135between Nixon and the White House.
16136 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
16137%
16138Do you suffer painful elimination?
16139 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
16140
16141Do you suffer painful recrimination?
16142 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
16143
16144Do you suffer painful illumination?
16145 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
16146
16147Do you suffer painful hallucination?
16148 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
16149%
16150Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
16151%
16152Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
16153just whipped out a quarter?
16154 -- Stephen Wright
16155%
16156"Do you think there's a God?"
16157"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
16158 -- Calvin and Hobbs
16159%
16160Do you think your mother and I should have lived
16161comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
16162%
16163Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
16164your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
16165your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
16166Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
16167Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
16168 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
16169%
16170Do your otters do the shimmy?
16171Do they like to shake their tails?
16172Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
16173Is your garden full of snails?
16174%
16175Do your part to help preserve life on
16176Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
16177%
16178Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
16179little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
16180 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
16181%
16182Documentation:
16183 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
16184 speaking persons.
16185%
16186Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
16187when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
16188 -- Dick Brandon
16189%
16190Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
16191be good because the programmers hate it so much.
16192%
16193Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
16194Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
16195Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
16196Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
16197 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
16198%
16199Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
16200%
16201Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
16202%
16203Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
16204and the rest of us.
16205%
16206Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
16207%
16208Doing gets it done.
16209%
16210Don
16211Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
16212 Was she pretty?
16213W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
16214 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
16215 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
16216Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
16217W.C.: It's almost impossible.
16218 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
16219 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
16220%
16221Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16222%
16223Don't abandon hope.
16224Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16225%
16226Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
16227have got him.
16228%
16229Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
16230It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
16231Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
16232I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
16233%
16234Don't be humble, you're not that great.
16235 -- Golda Meir
16236%
16237Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
16238%
16239Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
16240%
16241Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
16242%
16243Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
16244than I have to.
16245 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
16246%
16247Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
16248 -- Joe Cointment
16249%
16250Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
16251%
16252Don't confuse things that need action
16253with those that take care of themselves.
16254%
16255Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
16256%
16257Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
16258 -- Firesign Theatre
16259%
16260Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
16261%
16262Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
16263 -- Josh Billings
16264%
16265Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
16266 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
16267%
16268Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
16269%
16270Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
16271 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
16272%
16273Don't eat yellow snow.
16274%
16275Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
16276%
16277Don't everyone thank me at once!
16278 -- Han Solo
16279%
16280Don't expect people to keep in step--
16281it's hard enough just staying in line.
16282%
16283Don't feed the bats tonight.
16284%
16285Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
16286 -- Anthony
16287%
16288Don't get even, get odd.
16289%
16290Don't get mad, get even.
16291 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
16292
16293Don't get even, get jewelry.
16294 -- Anonymous
16295%
16296Don't get mad, get interest.
16297%
16298Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
16299%
16300Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
16301can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
16302 -- Dave Storer
16303%
16304Don't get to bragging.
16305%
16306Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
16307The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
16308 -- Mark Twain
16309%
16310Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
16311%
16312Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
16313 -- Baretta
16314%
16315Don't guess - check your security regulations.
16316%
16317Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
16318%
16319Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
16320%
16321Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
16322%
16323Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
16324%
16325Don't I know you?
16326%
16327Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
16328%
16329Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
16330 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
16331%
16332Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
16333%
16334Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
16335%
16336Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
16337%
16338Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
16339Probably soon after she throws me out.
16340%
16341Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
16342until you have hold of something else.
16343 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
16344%
16345Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
16346don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
16347don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
16348or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16349remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
16350you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16351 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
16352%
16353Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
16354%
16355Don't let your status become too quo!
16356%
16357Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
16358%
16359Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
16360%
16361Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
16362%
16363Don't lose
16364Your head
16365To gain a minute
16366You need your head
16367Your brains are in it.
16368 -- Burma Shave
16369%
16370Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
16371%
16372Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
16373 -- Scottish Proverb
16374%
16375Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
16376%
16377Don't plan any hasty moves.
16378You'll be evicted soon anyway.
16379%
16380Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
16381if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
16382%
16383Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
16384 -- Miguel de Cervantes
16385%
16386Don't quit now, we might just as well
16387lock the door and throw away the key.
16388%
16389Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
16390%
16391Don't read everything you believe.
16392%
16393Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
16394%
16395Don't remember what you can infer.
16396 -- Harry Tennant
16397%
16398Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
16399 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
16400%
16401Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
16402%
16403Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
16404 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
16405%
16406Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
16407%
16408Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
16409%
16410Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
16411%
16412Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
16413Cheat.
16414 -- Ambrose Bierce
16415%
16416Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
16417%
16418Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
16419 -- "Brazil"
16420%
16421Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
16422 -- P. Skelly
16423%
16424Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
16425 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
16426%
16427Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
16428%
16429Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
16430 -- Walt Kelly
16431%
16432Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
16433%
16434Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
16435sodomy and the lash.
16436 -- Winston Churchill
16437%
16438Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
16439%
16440Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
16441 -- James J. Ling
16442%
16443"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
16444get more wax!!"
16445%
16446Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
16447I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
16448 -- Watchman Examiner
16449%
16450Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
16451%
16452Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
16453 -- Lazarus Long
16454%
16455Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
16456with my breakfast cereal.
16457 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
16458%
16459Don't vote - it only encourages them!
16460%
16461Don't wake me up too soon...
16462Gonna take a ride across the moon...
16463You and me.
16464%
16465Don't worry. Life's too long.
16466 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
16467%
16468Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
16469%
16470Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
16471avoiding you.
16472 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
16473%
16474Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
16475are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
16476 -- Howard Aiken
16477%
16478Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
16479It's already tomorrow in Australia.
16480 -- Charles Schultz
16481%
16482Don't Worry, Be Happy.
16483 -- Meher Baba
16484%
16485Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
16486you can always take something for it.
16487%
16488Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
16489They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
16490%
16491Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
16492%
16493Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
16494%
16495"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
16496"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
16497"Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
16498"... I thought you said you were an accountant."
16499%
16500Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
16501want to help you could agree with each other?
16502%
16503Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
16504%
16505Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
16506you through times of no dope.
16507 -- Gilbert Shelton
16508%
16509Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?
16510Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people
16511 without brains do an awful lot of talking.
16512 -- The Wizard of Oz
16513%
16514Double!
16515%
16516Double Bucky, you're the one,
16517You make my keyboard so much fun,
16518Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
16519Control and meta, side by side,
16520Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
16521Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
16522
16523Oh, I sure wish that I,
16524Had a couple of bits more!
16525Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
16526
16527Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
16528OR'd together, outta sight!
16529Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
16530Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
16531Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
16532 -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
16533 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
16534 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
16535%
16536double-blind Experiment, n:
16537 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
16538fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
16539by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
16540%
16541Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
16542 -- Voltaire
16543%
16544Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
16545 -- Voltaire
16546%
16547Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
16548 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
16549%
16550Down to the Banana Republics,
16551Down to the tropical sun.
16552Go the expatriated Americans,
16553Hoping to find some fun.
16554Some of them go for the sailing,
16555Caught by the lure of the sea.
16556Trying to find what is ailing,
16557Living in the land of the free.
16558Some of them are running from lovers,
16559Leaving no forward address.
16560Some of them are running tons of ganja,
16561Some are running from the IRS.
16562Late at night you will find them,
16563In the cheap hotels and bars.
16564Hustling the senoritas,
16565While they dance beneath the stars.
16566 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
16567%
16568Down with the categorical imperative!
16569%
16570Dow's Law:
16571 In a hierarchical organization,
16572 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
16573%
16574Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
16575by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
16576of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
16577time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
16578kill him.
16579 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
16580%
16581Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
16582
16583The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
16584that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
16585Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
16586luxury that you never feel hungry.
16587
16588Here's how the diet works:
16589
16590 FOODS ALLOWED
16591First Month: One egg
16592Second Month: A raisin
16593Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
16594
16595If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
16596lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
16597%
16598Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
16599%
16600Dr. Livingston?
16601Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
16602%
16603Draft beer, not people.
16604%
16605Drakenberg's Discovery:
16606 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
16607 it's probably because you don't have them on.
16608%
16609Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
16610%
16611Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
16612%
16613Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
16614%
16615Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
16616 The first bug to hit a clean windshield
16617 lands directly in front of your eyes.
16618%
16619Drilling for oil is boring.
16620%
16621Drink and dance and laugh and lie
16622Love, the reeling midnight through
16623For tomorrow we shall die!
16624(But, alas, we never do.)
16625 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
16626%
16627Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
16628%
16629Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
16630instant motor skills.
16631 -- Marc Price
16632%
16633Drinking is not a spectator sport.
16634 -- Jim Brosnan
16635%
16636Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
16637with, that it's compounding a felony.
16638 -- Robert Benchley
16639%
16640Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
16641that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
16642 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
16643%
16644Drive defensively, buy a tank.
16645%
16646Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
16647avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
16648jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
16649brush after them.
16650%
16651Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
16652of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
16653seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
16654priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
16655"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
16656life!"
16657%
16658Drop that pickle!
16659%
16660DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
16661 -- The Adventurer
16662%
16663Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
16664 -- The Adventurer
16665%
16666drug, n:
16667 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
16668 paper.
16669%
16670Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
16671%
16672Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
16673lot a poker.
16674 -- Karyl Roosevelt
16675%
16676Ducharme's Axiom:
16677 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
16678yourself as part of the problem.
16679%
16680Ducharme's Precept:
16681 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
16682%
16683Duckies are fun!
16684%
16685Ducks? What ducks??
16686%
16687Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
16688and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
16689 -- Carl Zwanzig
16690%
16691Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
16692production of great leaders has been discontinued.
16693%
16694Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
16695fate and captain of your soul.
16696%
16697Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
16698discontinued.
16699%
16700Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
16701%
16702During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
16703been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
16704pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
16705in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
16706 -- James Madison
16707%
16708During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
16709times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
16710%
16711During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
16712
16713Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
16714 perform as president?"
16715Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
16716 inexperience."
16717%
16718During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
16719fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
16720and fly your colors proudly.
16721%
16722Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
16723Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
16724 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
16725%
16726Duty, n:
16727 What one expects from others.
16728 -- Oscar Wilde
16729%
16730Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
16731nothing whatever to do with it.
16732 -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words
16733%
16734Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
16735 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.
16736%
16737Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
16738 -- Woody Allen
16739%
16740E = MC ** 2 +- 3db
16741%
16742E Pluribus UNIX.
16743%
16744Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
16745%
16746Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
16747 -- Kernighan
16748%
16749Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
16750Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
16751worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
16752imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
16753typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
16754the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
16755corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
16756Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
16757in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
16758offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
16759a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
16760then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
16761company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
16762competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
16763orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
16764 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
16765%
16766Each of us bears his own Hell.
16767 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
16768%
16769Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
16770in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
16771university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
167723 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
16773%
16774Each person has the right to take the subway.
16775%
16776Eagleson's Law:
16777 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
16778months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
16779an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
16780%
16781EARL GREY PROFILES
16782
16783NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
16784OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
16785AGE: 94
16786BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
16787EYES: Grey
16788SKIN: Tanned
16789HAIR: Not much
16790LAST MAGAZINE READ:
16791 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
16792TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
16793
16794EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
16795%
16796Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
16797science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
1679821st century aircraft:
16799
16800 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
16801 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
16802 pilot if he touches anything.
16803 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
16804%
16805Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
16806be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
16807%
16808Early to rise and early to bed makes
16809a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
16810 -- James Thurber
16811%
16812Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
16813%
16814Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
16815%
16816/earth: file system full.
16817%
16818/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
16819%
16820Earth is a beta site.
16821%
16822"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
16823 -- Jeff Berner
16824%
16825Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
16826 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
16827cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
16828the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
16829means the puzzle is solved.
16830 -- Steve Rubenstein
16831%
16832Easy come and easy go,
16833 some call me easy money,
16834Sometimes life is full of laughs,
16835 and sometimes it ain't funny
16836You may think that I'm a fool
16837 and sometimes that is true,
16838But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
16839 with or without you.
16840 -- Hoyt Axton
16841%
16842Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
16843 -- Harry Secombe's diet
16844%
16845Eat drink and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
16846%
16847Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
16848%
16849Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
16850%
16851Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
16852will happen to you the rest of the day.
16853
16854[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
16855%
16856Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
16857%
16858Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
16859%
16860Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
16861%
16862Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
16863 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
16864%
16865economics, n.:
16866 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
16867 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16868%
16869Economies of scale:
16870 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
16871 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
16872 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
16873 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
16874 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
16875 those limitations.
16876%
16877economist, n:
16878 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
16879 personality to become an accountant.
16880%
16881Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
16882turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
16883 -- Robert Orben
16884%
16885Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
16886percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
16887 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
16888%
16889Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
16890 -- Fred Allen
16891%
16892Editing is a rewording activity.
16893%
16894Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
16895demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
16896 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
16897%
16898Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
16899time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
16900 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
16901%
16902Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
16903 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
16904%
16905Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
16906 -- Irwin Edman
16907%
16908Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
16909 -- B. F. Skinner
16910%
16911Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
16912to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
16913of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
16914royal-blue chickens.
16915 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
16916%
16917Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
16918 -- Bullwinkle Moose
16919%
16920Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
16921 -- Adlai Stevenson
16922%
16923Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
16924people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
16925comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
16926the "nog" comes from.
16927
16928To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
16929season, eggs...
16930%
16931Ego sum ens omnipotens
16932%
16933Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
16934to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
16935 -- Bellamy Brooks
16936%
16937Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
16938%
16939Egotism, n:
16940 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
16941
16942%
16943Egotist, n.:
16944 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
16945 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16946%
16947egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
16948%
16949Ehrman's Commentary:
16950 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
16951 2. Who said things would get better?
16952%
16953Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
16954 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
16955%
16956...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
16957original joy his falling in love with Ada.
16958 -- Nabokov
16959%
16960Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
16961God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
16962engineer.
16963 -- Fred Brooks
16964%
16965Eisenhower was very nice,
16966Nixon was his only vice.
16967 -- C. Degen
16968%
16969Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
16970 -- Groucho Marx' last words
16971%
16972ELBONICS:
16973 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
16974 armrest in a movie theatre.
16975 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
16976%
16977Eleanor Rigby
16978Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
16979Lives in a dream
16980Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
16981 make the machine do some more.
16982What is it for?
16983
16984All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16985All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16986
16987Hacker MacKensie
16988Writing the code for a program that no one will run
16989It's nearly done
16990Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
16991 nobody there.
16992What does he care?
16993
16994All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16995All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16996Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16997Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16998%
16999ELECTRIC JELL-O
17000
170012 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
170022 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
170031/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
17004
17005Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
17006 fully dissolved.
17007Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
17008Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
17009 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
17010Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
17011Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
17012 the faint of heart.
17013Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
17014Cut into squares and enjoy!
17015
17016WARNING:
17017 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
17018 children under eight years of age.
17019%
17020Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
17021%
17022Electrocution, n:
17023 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
17024%
17025Elegance and truth are inversely related.
17026 -- Becker's Razor
17027%
17028Elephant, n:
17029 A mouse built to government specifications.
17030%
17031Elevators smell different to midgets.
17032%
17033Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
17034 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
17035 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
17036 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
17037 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
17038 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
17039 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
17040 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
17041%
17042Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
17043In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
17044 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
17045Half asleep, Eli murmured,
17046 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
17047%
17048Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
17049%
17050Elliptical, n:
17051 The feel of a kiss.
17052%
17053Eloquence is logic on fire.
17054%
17055Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
17056Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
17057%
17058Emacs, n:
17059 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
17060%
17061Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
17062 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
17063 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
17064 for it.
17065%
17066Encyclopedia for sale by father.
17067Son knows everything.
17068%
17069Encyclopedia Salesmen:
17070 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
17071 and tell them your house is being burgled.
17072 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
17073%
17074Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
17075Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
17076 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
17077%
17078Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
17079Endless the quest;
17080I turn again, back to my own beginning,
17081And here, find rest.
17082%
17083Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
17084property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
17085of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
17086 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
17087%
17088Engineering: "How will this work?"
17089Science: "Why will this work?"
17090Management: "When will this work?"
17091Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
17092%
17093English literature's performing flea.
17094 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
17095%
17096Engram, n:
17097 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
170982. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
17099in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
17100of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
17101psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
17102and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
17103conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
17104thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
17105was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
17106ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
17107time.]
17108 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
17109 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
17110%
17111enhance, v:
17112 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
17113%
17114Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
17115%
17116Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
17117%
17118Entrepreneur, n:
17119 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
17120 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
17121%
17122Entropy isn't what it used to be.
17123%
17124Entropy requires no maintenance.
17125 -- Markoff Chaney
17126%
17127Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
17128 -- Onasander
17129%
17130Envy, n:
17131 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
17132 instead of having to try and acquire one.
17133%
17134Enzymes are things invented by biologists
17135that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
17136 -- Jerome Lettvin
17137%
17138Epperson's law:
17139 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
17140something his wife can beat him at.
17141%
17142Equal bytes for women.
17143%
17144Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
17145 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
17146%
17147Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
17148 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
17149%
17150Error in operator: add beer
17151%
17152Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
17153 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
17154Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
17155 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
17156 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
17157%
17158Eschew obfuscation.
17159%
17160Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
17161 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
17162%
17163E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
17164%
17165Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
17166 -- Woody Allen
17167%
17168Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
17169 -- Tom Stoppard
17170%
17171Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
17172fashion for those with no taste.
17173%
17174Etymology, n:
17175 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
17176 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
17177 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
17178 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
17179 hard to swallow."
17180 -- Mike Kellen
17181%
17182Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen;
17183Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
17184 -- Goethe, "Faust"
17185%
17186Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
17187the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
17188Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
17189Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
17190Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
17191Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
17192make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
17193them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
17194a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
17195the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
17196they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
17197over roulette.
17198 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
17199%
17200Eureka!
17201 -- Archimedes
17202%
17203Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
17204%
17205Even a cabbage may look at a king.
17206%
17207Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
17208%
17209Even a man who is pure at heart,
17210And says his prayers at night
17211Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
17212And the moon is full and bright.
17213 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
17214%
17215Even God cannot change the past.
17216 -- Joseph Stalin
17217%
17218Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
17219 -- Menander
17220%
17221Even if you do learn to speak correct
17222English, whom are you going to speak it to?
17223 -- Clarence Darrow
17224%
17225Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
17226 -- Aristophanes
17227%
17228Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
17229 -- Will Rogers
17230%
17231Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
17232When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
17233Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
17234And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
17235Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
17236To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
17237Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
17238I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
17239I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
17240Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
17241A fairer summer and a later fall
17242Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
17243And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
17244I tell you this across the blackened vine.
17245 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
17246 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
17247%
17248Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
17249%
17250Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
17251just a bit unchivalrous...
17252 -- Robert Benchley
17253%
17254Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
17255 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
17256%
17257Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
17258States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
17259day.
17260%
17261Events are not affected, they develop.
17262 -- Sri Aurobindo
17263%
17264Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
17265%
17266Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
17267bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
17268%
17269Ever get the feeling that the world's
17270on tape and one of the reels is missing?
17271 -- Rich Little
17272%
17273Ever notice that even the busiest people are
17274never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
17275%
17276Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
17277Simple coincidence?
17278Maybe...
17279%
17280Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17281That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
17282We're big but bigger we will be,
17283We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
17284Has been our aim.
17285Our products now are known in every zone.
17286Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
17287We've fought our way thru
17288And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
17289For the Ever Onward IBM!
17290 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17291%
17292Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17293We're bound for the top to never fall,
17294Right here and now we thankfully
17295Pledge sincerest loyalty
17296To the corporation that's the best of all
17297Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
17298Let's show the world just what we think of them!
17299So let us sing men -- Sing men
17300Once or twice, then sing again
17301For the Ever Onward IBM!
17302 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17303%
17304Ever since I was a young boy,
17305I've hacked the ARPA net,
17306From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
17307Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
17308But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
17309On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
17310That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
17311Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
17312 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17313 Sure sends a mean packet.
17314He's a UNIX wizard,
17315There has to be a twist.
17316The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
17317Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
17318How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
17319I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
17320What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
17321 The proper bit flags set,
17322 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17323 Sure sends a mean packet.
17324 -- UNIX Wizard
17325%
17326Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
17327exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
17328All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
17329spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
17330Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
17331take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
17332My wife is available. No. How about ..."
17333 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
17334%
17335Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
17336%
17337Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
17338
17339Because newspapers are read too.
17340Two and Two is four.
17341Four and four is eight.
17342Eight and four is twelve.
17343There are twelve inches in a ruler.
17344Queen Mary was a ruler.
17345Queen Mary was a ship.
17346Ships sail the sea.
17347There are fishes in the sea.
17348Fishes have fins.
17349The Fins fought the Russians.
17350Russians are red.
17351Fire engines are always rush'n.
17352Therefore fire engines are red.
17353%
17354Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
17355technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
17356The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
17357computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
17358Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
17359trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
17360one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
17361"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
17362there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
17363computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
17364ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
17365anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
17366said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
17367them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
17368Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
17369question."
17370 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
17371 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
17372%
17373Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
17374the last but one.
17375 -- Adolf Hitler
17376%
17377Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
17378%
17379Every cloud engenders not a storm.
17380 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
17381%
17382Every cloud has a silver lining;
17383you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
17384%
17385Every country has the government it deserves.
17386 -- Joseph De Maistre
17387%
17388Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
17389%
17390Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
17391%
17392Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
17393 -- Lenny Bruce
17394%
17395Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
17396%
17397Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
17398woman and stop her.
17399%
17400"Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
17401idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
17402sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
17403of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
17404highly-motivated, caustic twits."
17405 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
17406%
17407Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
17408signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
17409fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
17410spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
17411genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
17412of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
17413humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
17414 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
17415%
17416Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
17417
17418Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
17419front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
17420odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
17421and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
17422legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
17423there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
17424of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
17425color"], that does not exist.
17426%
17427Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
17428 -- Frank Moore Colby
17429%
17430Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
17431%
17432Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
17433 -- Don Vonada
17434%
17435Every love's the love before
17436In a duller dress.
17437 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
17438%
17439"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."
17440%
17441Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
17442or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
17443Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
17444only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
17445subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
17446own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
17447by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
17448philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
17449but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
17450in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
17451 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
17452%
17453Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
17454 -- Miguel de Cervantes
17455%
17456Every man takes the limits of his own field
17457of vision for the limits of the world.
17458 -- Schopenhauer
17459%
17460Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
17461and powerful know that he is.
17462 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
17463%
17464Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
17465that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
17466and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
17467essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
17468inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
17469forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
17470 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
17471%
17472Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
17473it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
17474 -- Barrie
17475%
17476"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
17477richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"
17478 -- Robert Orben
17479%
17480Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
17481than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
17482It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
17483It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
17484up, you'd better be running.
17485%
17486Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
17487%
17488Every night my prayers I say,
17489 And get my dinner every day;
17490And every day that I've been good,
17491 I get an orange after food.
17492The child that is not clean and neat,
17493 With lots of toys and things to eat,
17494He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
17495 Or else his dear papa is poor.
17496 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
17497%
17498Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
17499
17500It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
17501%
17502Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
17503But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
17504when they aren't.
17505
17506 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
17507 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
17508 When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying.
17509 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
17510%
17511Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
17512the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
17513sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
17514 -- Morris Kline
17515%
17516Every path has its puddle.
17517%
17518Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
17519drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
17520 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17521%
17522Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
17523instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
17524can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
17525%
17526Every program has (at least) two purposes:
17527 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
17528%
17529Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
17530%
17531Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
17532%
17533Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
17534eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
17535bend a disk.
17536 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
17537 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
17538 of their movement.
17539%
17540Every solution breeds new problems.
17541%
17542Every successful person has had failures
17543but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
17544%
17545Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
17546 -- Jean Baechler
17547%
17548Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
17549%
17550Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
17551%
17552Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
17553%
17554Every time you manage to close the door on
17555Reality, it comes in through the window.
17556%
17557Every why hath a wherefore.
17558 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
17559%
17560Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
17561 -- Beckett
17562%
17563Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
17564the best one.
17565 -- Jack Hurley
17566%
17567Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
17568called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
17569the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
17570otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
17571and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
17572Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
17573 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
17574a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
17575you're fired. As of right now."
17576 Sam signed the papers immediately.
17577 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
17578couldn't have signed earlier?"
17579 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
17580clearly before."
17581%
17582Everybody has something to conceal.
17583 -- Humphrey Bogart
17584%
17585Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
17586if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
17587%
17588Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17589 -- Dykstra
17590%
17591Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
17592fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
17593good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
17594poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
17595
17596Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
17597lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
17598just died.
17599
17600Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
17601and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
17602
17603Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
17604do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
17605two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
17606you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
17607
17608And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
17609And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
17610Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
17611for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
17612 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
17613%
17614Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
17615 -- Arthur Miller
17616%
17617Everybody needs a little love sometime;
17618stop hacking and fall in love!
17619%
17620Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
17621%
17622Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
17623to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
17624%
17625Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
17626%
17627Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
17628%
17629Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
17630realize it.
17631%
17632Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
17633%
17634Everyone is in the best seat.
17635 -- John Cage
17636%
17637Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
17638 -- Rudyard Kipling
17639%
17640Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
17641formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
17642scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
17643wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of
17644existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
17645discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
17646problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
17647mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
17648one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
17649different way ...
17650 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
17651%
17652Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
17653%
17654Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
17655to get them.
17656 -- Dirty Harry
17657%
17658Everyone was born right-handed.
17659Only the greatest overcome it.
17660%
17661Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
17662 1. They want it quick.
17663 2. They want it good.
17664 3. They want it cheap.
17665I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
17666 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
17667%
17668Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
17669%
17670Everything bows to success, even grammar.
17671%
17672Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
17673%
17674Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
17675%
17676Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
17677 -- Alexander Woollcott
17678%
17679Everything in this book may be wrong.
17680 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17681%
17682Everything is controlled by a small evil group
17683to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
17684%
17685Everything is possible. Pass the word.
17686 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
17687%
17688Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
17689that a belch is more satisfying.
17690 -- Ingmar Bergman
17691%
17692Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
17693something you know.
17694 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
17695 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
17696%
17697Everything might be different in the present
17698if only one thing had been different in the past.
17699%
17700Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
17701 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17702%
17703Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
17704%
17705Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
17706 -- Albert Einstein
17707%
17708Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
17709 -- Erwin Tomash
17710%
17711Everything that can be invented has been invented.
17712 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
17713%
17714Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
17715%
17716Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
17717%
17718Everything you know is wrong!
17719%
17720Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
17721rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
17722 -- Erwin Knoll
17723%
17724Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
17725obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
17726solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
17727There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
17728straight lines.
17729 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
17730%
17731Everything's great in this good old world;
17732(This is the stuff they can always use.)
17733God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
17734(This will provide for baby's shoes.)
17735Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
17736Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
17737Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
17738(This is what fetches the bacon home.)
17739 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
17740%
17741Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
17742opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
17743that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
17744 -- Flannery O'Connor
17745%
17746Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
17747Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
17748Everyone is looking for the answer,
17749Well look again.
17750 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
17751%
17752Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
17753of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
17754 -- H. L. Mencken
17755%
17756Evolution is a million line computer
17757program falling into place by accident.
17758%
17759Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
17760the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
17761evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
17762doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
17763life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
17764as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
17765respect to theories about how the process operates.
17766 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
17767%
17768Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
17769even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
17770 -- C. C. Colton
17771%
17772Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
17773It is the only thing.
17774 -- Albert Schweitzer
17775%
17776Excellent day for drinking heavily.
17777Spike the office water cooler.
17778%
17779Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
17780%
17781Excellent day to have a rotten day.
17782%
17783Excellent time to become a missing person.
17784%
17785Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
17786 -- Miller
17787%
17788Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
17789customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
17790
17791Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
17792Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
17793%
17794Excerpt from a DEC field service document:
17795
17796....
17797- none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the
17798screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP
17799comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands.
17800%
17801Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
17802acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
17803 -- W. Somerset Maugham
17804%
17805Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
17806%
17807Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
17808%
17809Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
17810 -- Marcus Aurelius
17811%
17812Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
17813the work.
17814 -- John G. Pollard
17815%
17816Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
17817%
17818Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
17819%
17820Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
17821and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
17822%
17823Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
17824%
17825Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
17826%
17827Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
17828%
17829Expedience is the best teacher.
17830%
17831Expense accounts, n:
17832 Corporate food stamps.
17833%
17834Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
17835 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
17836%
17837Experience is not what happens to you;
17838it is what you do with what happens to you.
17839 -- Aldous Huxley
17840%
17841Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
17842you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
17843 -- Franklin Jones
17844%
17845Experience is the worst teacher. It always
17846gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
17847%
17848Experience is what causes a person
17849to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
17850%
17851Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
17852%
17853Experience, n:
17854 Something you don't get until just after you need it.
17855 -- Olivier
17856%
17857Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
17858particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
17859 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
17860%
17861Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
17862%
17863Expert, n.:
17864 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
17865%
17866External Security:
17867%
17868Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
17869
17870 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
17871
17872To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
17873cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
17874corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
17875address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
17876to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
17877left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
17878below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
17879computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
17880SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
17881(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
17882Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
17883disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
17884this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
17885completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
17886%
17887Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
17888of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
17889but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
17890that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
17891argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
17892and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
17893neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
17894handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
17895than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
17896offer more plausible alternatives.
17897 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
17898 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
17899%
17900Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
17901 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
17902%
17903Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
17904of justice is no virtue.
17905 -- Barry Goldwater
17906%
17907F: When into a room I plunge, I
17908 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
17909 Then I linger, darkly brooding
17910 On the poison they're exuding.
17911 -- The Roguelet's ABC
17912%
17913f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
17914%
17915f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
17916%
17917F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
17918%
17919f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
17920%
17921FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
17922%
17923Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
17924%
17925Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
17926 -- Sven Italla
17927%
17928Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
17929%
17930Facts are the enemy of truth.
17931 -- Don Quixote
17932%
17933Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
17934 -- Aldous Huxley
17935%
17936Failed Attempts To Break Records
17937 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
17938the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
17939he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
17940doesn't even shout at me."
17941 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
17942record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
17943 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
17944after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
17945"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
17946 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
17947the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
17948drone got waterlogged," he said.
17949 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
17950dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
17951had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
17952 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
17953%
17954Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
17955%
17956Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
17957 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
17958%
17959Fairy Tale, n.:
17960 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
17961%
17962Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
17963%
17964Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
17965ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
17966the doubt that moved all the mountains.
17967 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17968%
17969Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
17970on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
17971%
17972Faith is under the left nipple.
17973 -- Martin Luther
17974%
17975Faith, n:
17976 That quality which enables us to
17977 believe what we know to be untrue.
17978%
17979Fakir, n:
17980 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
17981 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
17982 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
17983%
17984Falling in Love
17985 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
17986love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
17987light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
17988and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
17989these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
17990good idea to check with your doctor.
17991 -- Dave Barry
17992%
17993Falling in love is a lot like dying.
17994You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
17995%
17996Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
17997restraint.
17998 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".
17999%
18000Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
18001the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
18002 -- Mark Twain
18003%
18004Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
18005autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
18006 -- Marlo Thomas
18007%
18008Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
18009%
18010Familiarity breeds attempt.
18011%
18012Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
18013 -- Mark Twain
18014%
18015Families, when a child is born
18016Want it to be intelligent.
18017I, through intelligence,
18018Having wrecked my whole life,
18019Only hope the baby will prove
18020Ignorant and stupid.
18021Then he will crown a tranquil life
18022By becoming a Cabinet Minister
18023 -- Su Tung-p'o
18024%
18025Famous, adj.:
18026 Conspicuously miserable.
18027 -- Ambrose Bierce
18028%
18029Famous last words:
18030%
18031Famous last words:
18032 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
18033 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
18034 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
18035 4: We won't need reservations.
18036 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
18037 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
18038 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
18039 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
18040%
18041Famous last words:
18042 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
18043 (2) "You and what army?"
18044 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
18045 a cop."
18046%
18047Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
18048forgotten your aim.
18049 -- George Santayana
18050%
18051"Fantasies are free."
18052"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
18053%
18054Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
18055former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
18056
18057Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
18058reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
18059were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
18060and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
18061from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
18062deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
18063was the Empire forged.
18064 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18065%
18066Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
18067%
18068Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
18069Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
18070Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
18071utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
18072forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
18073are a pretty neat idea ...
18074 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18075%
18076Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
18077stressful than divorce.
18078 -- Wall Street Journal
18079%
18080Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
18081it every six months.
18082 -- Oscar Wilde
18083%
18084Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
18085 -- Victor Hugo
18086%
18087Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
18088%
18089Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
18090 -- Han Solo
18091%
18092Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
18093 -- Bill Cosby
18094%
18095Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
18096%
18097Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
18098%
18099Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
18100Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
18101%
18102Fats Loves Madelyn.
18103%
18104Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
18105Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
18106 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
18107%
18108FEAR:
18109 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
18110%
18111Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
18112 -- Hunter S. Thompson
18113%
18114Fear is the greatest salesman.
18115 -- Robert Klein
18116%
18117feature, n:
18118 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
18119 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
18120 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
18121 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
18122 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
18123%
18124Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
18125potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
18126disadvantaged.
18127%
18128Feel disillusioned?
18129I've got some great new illusions, right here!
18130%
18131Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
18132it's Microsoft!"
18133%
18134Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
18135An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature.
18136Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
18137Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
18138I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
18139A singular development of cat communications
18140That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection
18141For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
18142A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
18143You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
18144And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
18145It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
18146Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
18147Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
18148And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
18149I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
18150 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
18151%
18152Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
18153you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
18154to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
18155other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
18156list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
18157yours to the bottom of the list.
18158
18159Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
18160Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
18161his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
18162out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
18163build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
18164this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
18165her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
18166
18167Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
18168%
18169Female rabbits:
18170 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
18171%
18172FENDERBERG:
18173 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
18174 of car fenders during snowstorms.
18175 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18176%
18177Ferguson's Precept:
18178 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
18179%
18180Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
18181didn't have any children, neither will you.
18182%
18183Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
18184 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
18185Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
18186 basic difference between robots and humans?
18187Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
18188Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
18189 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
18190%
18191Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
18192 -- Mark Twain
18193%
18194Fidelity, n:
18195 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
18196%
18197Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
18198Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18199Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
18200Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18201 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
18202%
18203Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
18204 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
18205Corollary:
18206 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
18207%
18208Fifth Law of Procrastination:
18209 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
18210there is nothing important to do.
18211%
18212Fifty flippant frogs
18213Walked by on flippered feet
18214And with their slime they made the time
18215Unnaturally fleet.
18216%
18217Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
18218Carolina.
18219%
18220File cabinet:
18221 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
18222%
18223filibuster, n:
18224 Throwing your wait around.
18225%
18226Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
18227 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
18228%
18229Finagle's Creed:
18230 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
18231%
18232Finagle's Eighth Law:
18233 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
18234
18235Finagle's Ninth Law:
18236 No matter what results are expected,
18237 someone is always willing to fake it.
18238
18239Finagle's Tenth Law:
18240 No matter what the result someone
18241 is always eager to misinterpret it.
18242
18243Finagle's Eleventh Law:
18244 No matter what occurs, someone believes
18245 it happened according to his pet theory.
18246%
18247Finagle's First Law:
18248 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
18249%
18250Finagle's First Law:
18251 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
18252
18253Finagle's Second Law:
18254 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
18255
18256Finagle's Fourth Law:
18257 Once a job is fouled up,
18258 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
18259
18260Finagle's Fifth Law:
18261 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
18262
18263Finagle's Sixth Law:
18264 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
18265%
18266Finagle's fourth Law:
18267 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
18268it worse.
18269%
18270Finagle's Second Law:
18271 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
18272someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
18273happened according to his own pet theory.
18274%
18275Finagle's Seventh Law:
18276 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
18277%
18278Finagle's Third Law:
18279 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
18280 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
18281
18282Corollaries:
18283 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
18284 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
18285 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
18286%
18287Finality is death.
18288Perfection is finality.
18289Nothing is perfect.
18290There are lumps in it.
18291%
18292Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
18293on a rock.
18294 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
18295%
18296Fine day for friends.
18297So-so day for you.
18298%
18299Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
18300%
18301Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
18302%
18303Fine's Corollary:
18304 Functionality breeds Contempt.
18305%
18306Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
18307
18308 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
18309
18310Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
18311
18312 P.O. Box 35
18313 Baffled Greek, Michigan
18314%
18315Finster's Law:
18316A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18317%
18318First, a few words about tools.
18319
18320Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
18321the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
18322injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
18323you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
18324particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
18325granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
18326 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
18327%
18328First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
18329 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
18330 -- Pat Taber
18331%
18332First Law of Bicycling:
18333 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
18334%
18335First law of debate:
18336 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
18337%
18338First Law of Procrastination:
18339 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
18340for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
18341the deadline).
18342%
18343First Law of Socio-Genetics:
18344 Celibacy is not hereditary.
18345%
18346First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
18347self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
18348 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
18349%
18350First Rule of History:
18351 History doesn't repeat itself --
18352 historians merely repeat each other.
18353%
18354First rule of public speaking.
18355 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
18356 then tell 'em;
18357 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
18358%
18359First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
18360But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
18361Dial-A-Wombat.
18362 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
18363call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
18364phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
18365 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
18366the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
18367 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
18368 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
18369bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
18370 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
18371another phone booth.
18372 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
18373 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
18374released it, too, in the scrub.
18375 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
18376telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
18377 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
18378and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
18379 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
18380telephone booths.
18381 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.
18382%
18383"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
18384 -- Dr. Who, "Doctor Who"
18385%
18386"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
18387"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
18388and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
18389trees to prove their manhood.
18390 -- Dave Barry
18391%
18392Fishbowl, n:
18393 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
18394 promoted managers are kept for observation.
18395%
18396Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
18397 -- Jimmy Cannon
18398%
18399Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
18400 -- Adolfo Guzman
18401%
18402Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
18403 -- Robert Firth
18404%
18405Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
18406Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
18407I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
18408And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
18409Yes, I'm goin' insane,
18410And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
18411Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18412 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
18413 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
18414 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
18415You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
18416You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
18417Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
18418That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
18419Yes, and goin' insane,
18420You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
18421Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18422(chorus)
18423 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
18424%
18425Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
18426were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
18427had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
18428"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
18429the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
18430"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
18431Irish Political History".
18432%
18433Five rules for eternal misery:
18434 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
18435 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
18436 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
18437 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
18438 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
18439 how much better things might have been or how much worse
18440 things might become).
18441 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
18442 follow the first four rules.
18443%
18444Flame on!
18445 -- Johnny Storm
18446%
18447FLANNISTER:
18448 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
18449 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18450%
18451Flappity, floppity, flip
18452The mouse on the m"obius strip;
18453 The strip revolved,
18454 The mouse dissolved
18455In a chronodimensional skip.
18456%
18457FLASH!
18458Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
18459Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
18460%
18461Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
18462 -- Josh Billings
18463%
18464Flattery will get you everywhere.
18465%
18466Flee at once, all is discovered.
18467%
18468Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
18469 -- Helen Rowland
18470%
18471Flon's Law:
18472 There is not now, and never will be, a language in
18473 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
18474%
18475Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
18476husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
18477joules!"
18478
18479"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
18480a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
18481
18482"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
18483in my burette ... We must call a copper."
18484
18485Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
18486said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
18487of Lawrence Ium.
18488
18489"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
18490dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
18491catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
18492activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
18493 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
18494%
18495flowchart, n. & v.:
18496 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
18497"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
184981. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
18499problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
18500using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
18501doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
18502wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
18503thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
18504Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
18505flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
18506(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
18507 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
18508%
18509Flugg's Law:
18510 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
18511 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
18512%
18513Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
18514%
18515Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
18516Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
18517%
18518Flying saucers on occasion
18519 Show themselves to human eyes.
18520Aliens fume, put off invasion
18521 While they brand these tales as lies.
18522%
18523Fog Lamps, n:
18524 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
18525 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
18526 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
18527%
18528"Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
18529tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored."
18530 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
18531 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
18532%
18533Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
18534 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
18535%
18536Foolproof Operation:
18537 No provision for adjustment.
18538%
18539Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
18540%
18541Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
18542a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
18543%
18544Football combines the two worst features of American life.
18545It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
18546 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
18547%
18548Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
18549 -- Jimmy Breslin
18550%
18551For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
18552%
18553For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
18554%
18555For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
18556%
18557For a light heart lives long.
18558 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
18559%
18560For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
18561cat.
18562%
18563For adult education nothing beats children.
18564%
18565For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
18566women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
18567religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
18568The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
18569known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
18570prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
18571misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
18572 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
18573%
18574"For an adequate time call 555-3321"
18575%
18576For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
18577since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
18578%
18579For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
18580 -- Gore Vidal
18581%
18582For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
18583%
18584For courage mounteth with occasion.
18585 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
18586%
18587For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
18588 -- Harrison
18589%
18590For every bloke who makes his mark,
18591there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
18592 -- Andy Capp
18593%
18594For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
18595and wrong.
18596 -- H. L. Mencken
18597%
18598For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
18599 -- R. Clopton
18600%
18601For every human problem, there is a neat,
18602plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
18603 -- H. L. Mencken
18604%
18605For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
18606you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
18607not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
18608that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
18609when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
186101mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
18611'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
18612 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
18613%
18614For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
18615%
18616For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
18617and cook.
18618 -- Quentin Crisp
18619%
18620For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
18621 -- Alexander Pope
18622%
18623For gin, in cruel
18624Sober truth,
18625Supplies the fuel
18626For flaming youth.
18627 -- Noel Coward
18628%
18629For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
18630%
18631For good, return good.
18632For evil, return justice.
18633%
18634For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
18635 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
18636%
18637For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
18638but with break of day I went to make supplication.
18639 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
18640%
18641For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
18642As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
18643But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
18644He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
18645Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
18646And no quarrel a knight ought to take
18647But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
18648 -- Stephen Hawes
18649%
18650For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
18651%
18652For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
18653and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
18654 -- Sir Thomas More
18655%
18656For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
18657get themselves filed.
18658 -- Clifton Fadiman
18659%
18660For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
18661put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
18662 -- Steven Wright
18663%
18664For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
18665life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
18666now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
18667when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
18668in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
18669the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
18670means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
18671advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
18672the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
18673names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
18674("part of this complete breakfast").
18675 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
18676%
18677For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
18678the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
18679power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
18680and bad music may be put on record forever.
18681 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
18682%
18683For people who like that kind of book,
18684that is the kind of book they will like.
18685%
18686For perfect happiness, remember two things:
18687 (1) Be content with what you've got.
18688 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
18689%
18690FOR SALE:
18691 Parachute. Used once.
18692 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
18693%
18694For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
18695"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
18696 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
18697%
18698For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
18699%
18700For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
18701massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
18702last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
18703 -- Jehan Shuman
18704%
18705For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
18706each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
18707was a gate.
18708 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
18709
18710 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18711 referring to system overview.]
18712
18713%
18714For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
18715This gives me great hope for the human race.
18716 -- Harlan Ellison
18717%
18718For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
18719%
18720For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
18721 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
18722%
18723For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
18724neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
18725 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
18726
18727 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18728 referring to powerfail recovery.]
18729%
18730For they starve the frightened little child
18731Till it weeps both night and day:
18732And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
18733And gibe the old and grey,
18734And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
18735And none a word may say.
18736
18737Each narrow cell in which we dwell
18738Is a foul and dark latrine,
18739And the fetid breath of living Death
18740Chokes up each grated screen,
18741And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
18742In Humanity's machine.
18743
18744And all men kill the thing they love,
18745By all let this be heard,
18746Some do it with a bitter look,
18747Some with a flattering word,
18748The coward does it with a kiss,
18749The brave man with a sword.
18750 -- Oscar Wilde
18751%
18752For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
18753When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
18754him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
18755spend my evenings?"
18756 -- Chamfort
18757%
18758For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
18759'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
18760recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
18761protected species.
18762 Ingredients:
18763 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
18764 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
18765 1 teaspoonful salt
18766 8 oz. shredded suet
18767 2 small onions
18768 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
18769
18770 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
18771overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
18772the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
18773gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
18774half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
18775salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
18776swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
18777available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
18778four to five hours.
18779%
18780For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
18781 -- Abraham Lincoln
18782%
18783For three days after death hair and fingernails
18784continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
18785 -- Johnny Carson
18786%
18787For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
18788a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
18789Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
18790religions.
18791
18792 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
18793%
18794For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
18795I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
18796But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
18797Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
18798 -- Justin Richardson.
18799%
18800For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
18801%
18802Force has no place where there is need of skill.
18803 -- Herodotus
18804%
18805"Force is but might," the teacher said--
18806"That definition's just."
18807The boy said naught but thought instead,
18808Remembering his pounded head:
18809"Force is not might but must!"
18810%
18811Force it!!!
18812If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
18813No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
18814%
18815FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
18816%
18817Forecast, n:
18818 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
18819 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
18820%
18821Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
18822%
18823Forgetfulness, n:
18824 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
18825 their destitution of conscience.
18826%
18827Forgive and forget.
18828 -- Cervantes
18829%
18830Forgive him,
18831for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
18832 -- G. B. Shaw
18833%
18834Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
18835And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
18836 -- Robert Frost
18837%
18838Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
18839 -- John F. Kennedy
18840%
18841Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
18842%
18843Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
18844%
18845FORTH IF HONK THEN
18846%
18847FORTRAN is a good example of a language
18848which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
18849 -- D. Gries
18850 [What's good about it? Ed.]
18851%
18852FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
18853%
18854FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
18855occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
18856 -- A. J. Perlis
18857%
18858FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
18859 -- Steven Feiner
18860%
18861FORTRAN rots the brain.
18862 -- John McQuillin
18863%
18864FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
18865inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
18866too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
18867 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
18868%
18869[FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
18870probably for at least the next decade.
18871 -- T. Cheatham
18872%
18873Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
18874%
18875Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
18876the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
18877of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
18878responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
18879or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
18880claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
18881provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
18882the accepted body of scientific evidence.
18883 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
18884 No. 2, pg. 215
18885%
18886Fortune and love befriend the bold.
18887 -- Ovid
18888%
18889FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
18890
18891Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
18892A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
18893 my dissertation to rhyme.
18894%
18895FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
18896
18897Q: Is God a myth?
18898A: No, He's a mythter.
18899%
18900fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
18901%
18902fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
18903%
18904FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
18905
18906Low Blows:
18907 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
18908of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
18909hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
18910
18911Dressing Up:
18912 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
18913garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
18914for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
18915weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
18916party".
18917
18918David Letterman:
18919 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
18920Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
18921haircut.
18922%
18923FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
18924
18925Relationships:
18926 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
18927refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
18928basis".
18929 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
18930her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
18931she will get on with her life.
18932 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
18933breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
18934wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
18935hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
18936always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
18937drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
18938community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
18939these classes rarely prove effective.
18940%
18941FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
18942
18943Shoes:
18944 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
18945boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
18946of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
18947
18948Making friends:
18949 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
18950together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
18951 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
18952together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
18953sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
18954psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
18955sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
18956jerk, I guess you're OK."
18957%
18958FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
18959
18960Desserts:
18961 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
18962work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
18963she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
18964grabbing the cherry in the center.
18965
18966Car repair:
18967 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
18968manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
18969himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
18970fixed without special tools".
18971 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
18972accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
18973car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
18974the average man.
18975%
18976FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
18977
18978Weddings:
18979 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
18980Men talk about "the bachelor party".
18981
18982Clothes:
18983 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
18984he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
18985the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
18986the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
18987them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
18988 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
18989They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
18990%
18991FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
18992
18993Trust:
18994 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
18995around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
18996she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
18997OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
18998one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
18999his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
19000of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
19001so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
19002
19003Driving:
19004
19005 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
19006the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
19007him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
19008to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
19009Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
19010shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
19011price their policies accordingly.
19012 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
19013rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
19014her makeup.
19015%
19016FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
19017
19018Bathrooms:
19019 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
19020shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
19021The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
19022would not be able to identify most of these items.
19023
19024Groceries:
19025 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
19026and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
19027are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
19028everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
19029his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
19030Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
19031%
19032FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
19033
19034Going Out:
19035 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
19036out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
19037to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
19038checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
19039
19040Cats:
19041 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
19042looking, men kick cats.
19043
19044Offspring:
19045 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
19046about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
19047and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
19048aware of some short people living in the house.
19049%
19050FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
19051
19052Laundry:
19053 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
19054of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
19055years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
19056he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
19057of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
19058the laundromat. This is a myth.
19059
19060Nicknames:
19061 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
19062they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
19063Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
19064refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
19065
19066Socks:
19067 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
19068Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
19069of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
19070%
19071FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
19072
19073CARTABLANCA:
19074 Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
19075 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
19076 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
19077 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
19078 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
19079 which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
19080%
19081FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
19082
19083MONOPOLI:
19084 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
19085 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
19086 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
19087 Boardwalk property.
19088%
19089FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
19090
19091O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
19092
19093 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
19094 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
19095 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
19096 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
19097 With Julie Christie.
19098%
19099FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
19100
19101MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
19102 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
19103 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
19104 into your heart.
19105%
19106FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
19107
19108WITLESS:
19109 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
19110 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
19111 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
19112 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
19113 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
19114%
19115FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
19116
19117THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
19118 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
19119 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
19120 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
19121 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
19122 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
19123 a glowing performance.
19124%
19125FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
19126
19127RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
19128 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
19129 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
19130 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
19131%
19132FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
19133
19134OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
19135 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
19136 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
19137 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
19138 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
19139 younger viewers.
19140%
19141FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
19142
19143THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
19144 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
19145 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
19146 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
19147
19148THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
19149 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
19150 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
19151 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
19152 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
19153%
19154FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
19155
19156THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
19157
19158 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
19159 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
19160 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
19161%
19162Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19163
19164It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
19165supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
19166more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
19167negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
19168negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
19169as that in support of an affirmative.
19170 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
19171%
19172Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19173
19174We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
19175left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
19176seems to us that someone has been very careless.
19177 -- 78 So. 365.
19178%
19179Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19180
19181We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
19182may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
19183species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
19184of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
19185revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
19186it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
19187 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
19188%
19189FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
19190
19191skilled oral communicator:
19192 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
19193 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
19194
19195skilled written communicator:
19196 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
19197 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
19198
19199growth potential:
19200 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
19201 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
19202 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
19203
19204key company figure:
19205 Serves as the perfect counter example.
19206%
19207FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
19208
19209consistent:
19210 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
19211 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
19212
19213an excellent sounding board:
19214 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
19215 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
19216
19217a planner and organizer:
19218 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
19219 animal tags on his clothing.
19220%
19221FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
19222
19223has management potential:
19224 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
19225 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
19226 pencil monitor.
19227
19228inspirational:
19229 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
19230 go I.")
19231
19232adapts to stress:
19233 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
19234 situation.
19235
19236goal oriented:
19237 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
19238 to meet them.
19239%
19240Fortune favors the lucky.
19241%
19242Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
19243
19244 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
19245%
19246Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
19247
19248 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
19249 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
19250 Cowboy cheerleaders.
19251%
19252Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
19253
19254 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
19255 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
19256 Juliet, this bud's for you.
19257%
19258Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
19259
19260 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
19261 you've made happy.
19262%
19263Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
19264
19265 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
19266 No, I guess not.
19267%
19268Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
19269
19270 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
19271%
19272Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
19273
19274 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
19275 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
19276%
19277Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
19278
19279 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
19280%
19281fortune: No such file or directory
19282%
19283fortune: not found
19284%
19285Fortune presents:
19286 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
19287
19288^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
19289Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
19290Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
19291 renkontas. I've met.
19292La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
19293Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
19294Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
19295Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
19296%
19297Fortune presents:
19298 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
19299
19300^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
19301^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
19302^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
19303Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
19304Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
19305^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
19306%
19307Fortune presents:
19308 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
19309
19310Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
19311 ^cevalon.
19312Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
19313Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
19314Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
19315Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
19316Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
19317%
19318FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
19319
19320Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
19321Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
19322Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
19323Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
19324%
19325FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
19326
19327A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
19328Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
19329%
19330FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
19331
19332A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
19333Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
19334%
19335FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
19336
19337A: To be or not to be.
19338Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
19339%
19340FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
19341
19342A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
19343Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
19344%
19345FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
19346
19347A: Chicken Teriyaki.
19348Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
19349%
19350FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
19351
19352A: Go west, young man, go west!
19353Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
19354%
19355FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
19356
19357A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
19358Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
19359%
19360FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
19361
19362 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
19363 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
19364%
19365FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
19366
19367 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
19368 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
19369%
19370Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
19371
19372Try:
19373 ar t "God"
19374 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
19375 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
19376 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
19377 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
19378 rm God
19379 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
19380 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19381 make "heads or tails of all this"
19382 who is smart
19383 (C shell)
19384 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
19385 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19386%
19387Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
19388sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
19389
19390Oh, and have a nice day!
19391 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
19392%
19393fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
19394
19395 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
19396 "Hey you, get off my plate"
19397 -- Roger Midnight
19398%
19399Fortune's current rates:
19400
19401 Answers .10
19402 Long answers .25
19403 Answers requiring thought .50
19404 Correct answers $1.00
19405
19406 Dumb looks are still free.
19407%
19408Fortune's diet truths:
194091: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
194102: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
194113: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
19412 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
194134: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
19414 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
194155: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
19416 appealing as tepid beer.
194176: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
194187: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
19419 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
19420 it isn't.
194218: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
194229: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
1942310: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
1942411: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
19425 swallowing.
19426%
19427Fortune's Exercising Truths:
19428
194291: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
194302. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
194313. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
194324. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
194335. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
19434 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
19435 you twitter around in your chair.
194366. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
194377. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
19438 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
19439 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
194408. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
19441 followed by one throw-up.
194429. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
19443%
19444FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
19445 Christmas Rum Cake
19446
194471 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
194481 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
194491 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
194502 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
194512 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
19452
19453Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
19454select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
19455must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
19456of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
19457mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
19458and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
19459Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
19460of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
19461beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
19462for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
19463seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
19464Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
19465strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
19466Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
19467poothtick comes out crean.
19468%
19469Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
19470 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
19471%
19472FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19473 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
19474 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
19475 A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
19476 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
19477 rather then a spotted one.
19478 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
19479 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
19480 legume-part of the pea family.
19481 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
19482%
19483FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19484 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
19485Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
19486%
19487FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
19488 Can you name the seven seas?
19489 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
19490 North Pacific, South Pacific.
19491 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
19492 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
19493%
19494FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
19495 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
19496%
19497FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
19498
19499In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
19500there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
19501flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
19502%
19503FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19504 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
19505at least once a year.
19506%
19507FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
19508
19509The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
19510can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
19511%
19512FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
19513 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
19514his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
19515ability in that particular field."
19516%
19517FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19518
19519In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
19520at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
19521%
19522FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
19523 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
19524%
19525FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
19526 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
19527movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
19528right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
19529%
19530FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
19531
19532 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
19533a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
19534%
19535Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
19536
19537 Don't Write On Walls!
19538
19539 (and underneath)
19540
19541 You want I should type?
19542%
19543Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
19544
19545August 27, 1949:
19546 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
19547 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
19548%
19549FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
19550What to do...
19551 if reality disappears?
19552 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
19553 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
19554
19555 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
19556 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
19557 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
19558 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
19559 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
19560 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
19561 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
19562 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
19563%
19564FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
19565What to do...
19566 if you get a phone call from Mars:
19567 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
19568 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
19569 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
19570
19571 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
19572 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
19573 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
19574 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
19575 calling.
19576
19577 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
19578 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
19579 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
19580 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
19581 charges may have been reversed.
19582%
19583FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
19584What to do...
19585 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
19586 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
19587 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
19588 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
19589 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
19590 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
19591 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
19592
19593 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
19594 closet contains an alternate dimension?
19595 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
19596 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
19597 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
19598 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
19599 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
19600%
19601Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
19602
19603WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
19604
19605Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
19606of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
19607combination of beauty and power. Few have
19608excelled him in the use of the English language,
19609or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
19610'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
19611single poem ever written."
19612
19613Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
19614doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
19615of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
19616 bungling and greed of President
19617 Roosevelt.
19618
19619... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
19620not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
19621%
19622Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
19623 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
19624State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
19625with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
19626weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
19627apply to female horses.
19628%
19629Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
19630goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
19631House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
19632sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
19633and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
19634
19635Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
19636 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
19637Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
19638Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
19639 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
19640 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
19641 fertilization."
19642Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
19643 teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
19644%
19645Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
19646
19647 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
19648%
19649FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
19650
19651 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
19652your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
19653and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
19654drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
19655%
19656Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
19657
19658Q: Are you married?
19659A: No, I'm divorced.
19660Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
19661A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
19662%
19663Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
19664
19665Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
19666A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
19667%
19668Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
19669
19670THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
19671 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
19672 any ...
19673%
19674Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
19675
19676Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
19677A: I will be three months November 8th.
19678Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
19679A: Yes.
19680Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
19681%
19682Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
19683
19684Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
19685A: No.
19686Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
19687A: Picking them up in the air.
19688Q: Where was the dog at this time?
19689A: Attached to the ears.
19690%
19691Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
19692
19693Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
19694 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
19695 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
19696 him to the station?
19697MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
19698%
19699Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
19700
19701Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
19702A: By death.
19703Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
19704%
19705Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
19706
19707Q: What is your name?
19708A: Ernestine McDowell.
19709Q: And what is your marital status?
19710A: Fair.
19711%
19712Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
19713
19714Q: What happened then?
19715A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
19716 me."
19717Q: Did he kill you?
19718A: No.
19719%
19720Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
19721
19722Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
19723the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
19724the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
19725in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
19726incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
19727never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
19728memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
19729done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
19730the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
19731you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
19732the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
19733
19734 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
19735 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
19736 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
19737%
19738FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
19739
19740 Never goose a wolverine.
19741%
19742FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
19743
19744 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
19745%
19746Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
19747%
19748Four be the things I am wiser to know:
19749Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
19750
19751Four be the things I'd been better without:
19752Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19753
19754Three be the things I shall never attain:
19755Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
19756
19757Three be the things I shall have till I die:
19758Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
19759 -- Inventory
19760%
19761Four be the things I'd been better without:
19762Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19763-- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well"
19764%
19765Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
19766tombstones, women and competitors.
19767 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
19768%
19769Four hours to bury the cat?
19770Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
19771%
19772Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
19773ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
19774This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
19775 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
19776%
19777Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
19778 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
19779 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
19780
19781Corollary:
19782 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
19783 study for that instructor's course.
19784%
19785Fourth Law of Revision:
19786 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
19787 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
19788 for you.
19789%
19790Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
19791almost one, it is damn near zero.
19792 -- David Ellis
19793%
19794Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
19795policeman's tie.
19796%
19797Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
19798 -- Rhett Buggler
19799%
19800Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
19801 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
19802%
19803Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
19804 -- A Yippie Proverb
19805%
19806FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
19807%
19808FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
19809%
19810FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
19811%
19812FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
19813 -- Warner Losh
19814%
19815FreeBSD Trivia:
19816 Did you know that successive security officers take
19817control by beheading their predecessor?
19818 -- Robert Watson
19819%
19820Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
19821%
19822Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
19823%
19824Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
19825 -- Camus
19826%
19827Freedom is slavery.
19828Ignorance is strength.
19829War is peace.
19830 -- George Orwell
19831%
19832Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
19833%
19834Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
19835 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
19836%
19837Fremen add life to spice!
19838%
19839Fresco's Discovery:
19840 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
19841%
19842Friction is a drag.
19843%
19844Fried's 1st Rule:
19845 Increased automation of clerical function
19846 invariably results in increased operational costs.
19847%
19848Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
19849 -- Thomas Jones
19850%
19851Friends, n:
19852 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
19853
19854 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
19855%
19856Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
19857Let me clue you in;
19858I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
19859The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
19860The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
19861Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
19862If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
19863And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
19864Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
19865So are they all, all cool cats, --
19866Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
19867%
19868Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
19869over the other.
19870 -- Honore DeBalzac
19871%
19872Frisbeetarianism, n.:
19873 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
19874gets stuck.
19875%
19876Frobnicate, v.:
19877 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
19878Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
19879frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
19880sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
19881manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
19882search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
19883turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
19884he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
19885screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
19886turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
19887%
19888Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
19889 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
19890electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
19891FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
19892FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
19893FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
19894via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
19895applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
19896%
19897From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
19898 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
19899%
19900From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
19901That is the point that must be reached.
19902 -- F. Kafka
19903%
19904From a Tru64 patch description:
19905
19906 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
19907%
19908[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
19909Association, in Rome]:
19910
19911The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
19912and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
19913spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
19914or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
19915millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
19916reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
19917engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
19918president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
19919schizophrenia in mass genocide.
19920%
19921From Italian tourist guide:
19922
19923 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
19924 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
19925%
19926From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
19927%
19928From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
19929 -- Bertolt Brecht
19930%
19931From the crystal swirling waters,
19932Of the Rio Amazon,
19933To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
19934Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
19935From ev'ry hallowed venue,
19936Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
19937Your butt is on the menu
19938And the check is in the mail.
19939 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
19940%
19941From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:
19942
19943Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
19944the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
19945Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
19946candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
19947nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
19948other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
19949qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
19950being nuts (unground)."
19951%
19952From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
19953convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
19954 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
19955%
19956[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
19957in Japan]:
19958
19959The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
19960MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
19961featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
19962against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
19963"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
19964Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
19965operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
19966
19967And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
19968achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
19969HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
19970%
19971From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
19972
19973 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
19974 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
19975 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
19976 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
19977 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
19978 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
19979 Italy celebrated on October 18."
19980%
19981From the Pointless Comparison Collection:
19982
19983 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are,
19984 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar
19985 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up
19986 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to
19987 set off the flash bulb on your camera once.
19988
19989 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network
19990 systems program at JPL
19991%
19992From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
19993instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
19994experience in sound:
19995
19996 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
19997 sound is normal for this type of connector.
19998%
19999From too much love of living,
20000From hope and fear set free,
20001We thank with brief thanksgiving,
20002Whatever gods may be,
20003That no life lives forever,
20004That dead men rise up never,
20005That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
20006 -- Swinburne
20007%
20008F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
20009 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
20010Hemingway:
20011 "Yes. They have more money."
20012%
20013Fuch's Warning:
20014 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
20015enough to travel.
20016%
20017Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
20018 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
20019%
20020Fun experiments:
20021 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
20022 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
20023 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
20024%
20025Fun Facts, #14:
20026 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
20027 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
20028%
20029Fun Facts, #63:
20030 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
20031 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
20032 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
20033 1510.
20034%
20035Function reject.
20036%
20037Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
20038%
20039Furbling, v.:
20040 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
20041even when you are the only person in line.
20042 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20043%
20044Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
20045 -- H. H. Williams
20046%
20047Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
20048but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
20049%
20050Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
20051%
20052Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
20053 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
20054%
20055G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
20056of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
20057secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
20058`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
20059that's your chance, my boy."
20060%
20061Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
20062 -- Joseph Stalin
20063%
20064Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
20065 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
20066there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
20067%
20068Garbage In - Gospel Out.
20069%
20070Garter, n.:
20071 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
20072stockings and desolating the country.
20073 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20074%
20075Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
20076our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
20077 -- Adventures of Asterix
20078%
20079Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
20080
20081 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
20082than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
20083 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
20084Obvious, isn't it?
20085 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
20086speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
20087long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
20088your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
20089so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
20090individuals and then grow ...
20091 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
20092signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
20093everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
20094the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
20095backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
20096think not, my friend, I think not.
20097 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20098%
20099"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
20100%
20101GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20102 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
20103 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
20104 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
20105 in it today, either.
20106%
20107GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20108 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
20109because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
20110for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
20111committing incest.
20112%
20113GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
20114 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
20115 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
20116 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
20117 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
20118%
20119genderplex, n:
20120 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
20121 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
20122 tortoises).
20123 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20124%
20125GENEALOGY:
20126 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
20127 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
20128 -- Ambrose Bierce
20129%
20130General notions are generally wrong.
20131 -- Lady M. W. Montagu
20132%
20133Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
20134 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
20135%
20136Generic Fortune.
20137%
20138Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
20139%
20140Genetics explains why you look like your father,
20141and if you don't, why you should.
20142%
20143GENIUS:
20144 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
20145 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
20146 all the right things to all the right people.
20147%
20148Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
20149 -- Owen Meredith
20150%
20151Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
20152 -- Thomas Alva Edison
20153%
20154Genius is pain.
20155 -- John Lennon
20156%
20157Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
20158%
20159Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
20160%
20161Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
20162 -- Elbert Hubbard
20163%
20164genius, n:
20165 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
20166 "bright".
20167%
20168genlock, n:
20169 Why he stays in the bottle.
20170%
20171Gentlemen,
20172 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
20173to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
20174with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
20175thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
20176 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
20177manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
20178I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
20179Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
20180exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
20181 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
20182for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
20183confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
20184regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
20185may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
20186fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
20187 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
20188my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
20189why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
20190must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
20191one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
20192 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
20193of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
20194 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
20195 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
20196 London, 1812
20197%
20198Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
20199old girl friend.
20200%
20201George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
20202his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
20203 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
20204
20205Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
20206had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
20207 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
20208%
20209George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
20210 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
20211%
20212George Orwell was an optimist.
20213%
20214George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
20215have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
20216 -- Ashley Cooper
20217%
20218George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
20219me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
20220 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
20221 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
20222and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
20223No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
20224George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
20225the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
20226Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
20227 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
20228yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
20229 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
20230gonna get on Labor Day."
20231%
20232(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
20233one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
20234"And he didn't understand me."
20235%
20236Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
20237 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
20238 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
20239 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
20240 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
20241 much as to make the task totally impossible.
20242%
20243Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
20244%
20245Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
20246 -- Dylan Thomas
20247%
20248Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
20249%
20250Getting into trouble is easy.
20251 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
20252%
20253Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
20254out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
20255 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
20256 of the American Bar Association
20257%
20258Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
20259
20260Corollary:
20261 Following the rules will not get the job done.
20262%
20263Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
20264%
20265Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
20266
20267'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
20268Snatch them from their little housies (...)
20269First we chase them 'round the field (...)
20270Then we have them for a meal (...)
20271
20272Toss them here and catch them there (...)
20273See them flying through the air (...)
20274Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
20275Falling mice have great appeal (...)
20276
20277See the hunter stretched before us (...)
20278He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
20279Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
20280Of the blood of little critters (...)
20281%
20282Gilbert's Discovery:
20283 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
20284 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
20285%
20286Gil-galad was an Elven-King
20287of him the harpers sadly sing;
20288the last whose realm was fair and free
20289between the Mountains and the Sea.
20290
20291His sword was long, his lance was keen,
20292his shining helm afar was seen;
20293the countless stars of heaven's field
20294were mirrored in his silver shield.
20295
20296But long ago he rode away,
20297and where he dwelleth none can say;
20298for into darkness fell his star
20299in Mordor where the shadows are.
20300%
20301Ginger Snap
20302%
20303Ginsberg's Theorem:
20304 1. You can't win.
20305 2. You can't break even.
20306 3. You can't even quit the game.
20307
20308Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
20309
20310 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
20311 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
20312 Theorem. To wit:
20313
20314 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
20315 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
20316 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
20317%
20318Ginsburg's Law:
20319 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
20320big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
20321%
20322GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
20323%
20324Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
20325Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
20326 -- Calvin Keegan
20327%
20328Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
20329that everything he encounters needs pounding.
20330%
20331Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
20332%
20333Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
20334that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
20335%
20336Give him an evasive answer.
20337%
20338Give me a fish and I will eat today.
20339Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
20340%
20341Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
20342dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
20343%
20344Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
20345%
20346Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
20347 -- St. Augustine
20348%
20349"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."
20350 -- Napolean
20351%
20352Give me libertines or give me meth.
20353%
20354Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
20355Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
20356But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
20357Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
20358 -- George Canning
20359%
20360Give me your students, your secretaries,
20361Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
20362The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
20363Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
20364I lift my disk beside the processor.
20365 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
20366%
20367Give thought to your reputation.
20368Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
20369%
20370GIVE UP!!!!
20371%
20372Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
20373%
20374Give your very best today.
20375Heaven knows it's little enough.
20376%
20377Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
20378 -- William Faulkner
20379%
20380Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
20381Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
20382 -- John Gilmore
20383%
20384Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
20385%
20386Given sufficient time, what you put
20387off doing today will get done by itself.
20388%
20389Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
20390rather lie around. No contest.
20391 -- Eric Clapton
20392%
20393Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
20394car keys to teenage boys.
20395 -- P. J. O'Rourke
20396%
20397Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
20398whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
20399LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
20400 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
20401%
20402GLEEMITES:
20403 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
20404 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
20405%
20406Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
20407 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
20408 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
20409 some useful work done.
20410%
20411Gloffing is a state of mine.
20412%
20413Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
20414 fifth of dry red wine
20415 fifth of Aquavit
20416 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
20417 10 cardamom seeds
20418 1 cup raisins
20419 4 dried figs
20420 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
20421 a few pieces of dried orange peel
20422 5 cloves
20423 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
20424 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
20425for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
20426the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
20427strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
20428Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
20429hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
20430 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
20431if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
20432extraction.
20433%
20434Gnagloot, n.:
20435 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
20436impress people.
20437 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20438%
20439Go ahead... make my day.
20440 -- Dirty Harry
20441%
20442Go ahead, make my day.
20443 -- Harry Callahan
20444%
20445Go away, I'm all right.
20446 -- H. G. Wells' last words.
20447%
20448Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
20449"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
20450
20451logout
20452%
20453Go climb a gravity well.
20454%
20455Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
20456%
20457Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
20458 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
20459%
20460Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
20461 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
20462%
20463Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
20464be in owning a piece thereof.
20465 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
20466%
20467Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
20468but quickly to their misfortunes.
20469 -- Chilo
20470%
20471Go to a movie tonight.
20472Darkness becomes you.
20473%
20474Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
20475all your troubles.
20476 -- Andrew Jackson
20477
20478The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
20479teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
20480in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
20481 -- Calvin Coolidge
20482
20483Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
20484religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
20485on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
20486secure which is not supported by moral habits.
20487 -- Daniel Webster
20488%
20489Go 'way! You're bothering me!
20490%
20491Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
20492 -- Wally Shawn
20493%
20494GOD:
20495 Darwin's chief rival.
20496%
20497God created a few perfect heads.
20498The rest he covered with hair.
20499%
20500God created woman.
20501And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
20502but many other things ceased as well.
20503Woman was God's second mistake.
20504 -- Nietzsche
20505%
20506God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
20507days and then pulled an all-nighter.
20508%
20509God doesn't play dice.
20510 -- Albert Einstein
20511%
20512God gave man two ears and one tongue so
20513that we listen twice as much as we speak.
20514 -- Arab proverb
20515%
20516"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
20517
20518Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
20519end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
20520can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
20521would he lie about a thing like that?
20522 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20523%
20524God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
20525%
20526God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
20527change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
20528%
20529God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
20530The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
20531not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
20532not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
20533and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
20534not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
20535morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
20536 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
20537%
20538God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
20539that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
20540 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
20541%
20542God help those who do not help themselves.
20543 -- Wilson Mizner
20544%
20545God helps them that helps themselves.
20546 -- Ben Franklin
20547%
20548God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
20549%
20550God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
20551but by pains and contradictions.
20552 -- De Caussade
20553%
20554God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
20555%
20556God is a polytheist.
20557%
20558God is Dead.
20559 -- Nietzsche
20560Nietzsche is Dead.
20561 -- God
20562Nietzsche is God.
20563 -- Dead
20564%
20565God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
20566 -- Ralph Moonen
20567%
20568God is love, but get it in writing.
20569 -- Gypsy Rose Lee
20570%
20571God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
20572much less ambitious project.
20573%
20574God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
20575%
20576God is real, unless declared integer.
20577%
20578God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
20579elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
20580other things.
20581 -- Pablo Picasso
20582%
20583God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
20584 -- Alfred Jarry
20585%
20586God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
20587%
20588God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
20589%
20590God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
20591 -- Paul Valery
20592%
20593God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
20594%
20595God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
20596 -- Mark Twain
20597%
20598God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
20599 -- Kronecker
20600%
20601God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
20602%
20603God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
20604 -- Albert Einstein
20605%
20606God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
20607%
20608God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
20609%
20610God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
20611Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
20612The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
20613Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
20614The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
20615Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
20616(chorus) (chorus)
20617
20618We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
20619They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
20620A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
20621It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
20622The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
20623We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
20624(chorus) (chorus)
20625
20626And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
20627Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
20628We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
20629Won't ruin your whole day.
20630You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
20631(chorus)
20632 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
20633%
20634God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
20635and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
20636 -- William Bragg
20637%
20638God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
20639%
20640God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
20641%
20642God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
20643to receive it.
20644 -- Austin O'Malley
20645%
20646God votes Republican.
20647%
20648God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
20649 -- Samuel Butler
20650%
20651Goda's Truism:
20652 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
20653 somebody moves the ends.
20654%
20655Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
20656%
20657Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
20658make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
20659%
20660Gold, n:
20661 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
20662 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
20663 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
20664 although gold hasn't done anything to them.
20665 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
20666%
20667Goldenstern's Rules:
20668 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
20669 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
20670%
20671Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
20672eating before he bursts.
20673%
20674Gold's Law:
20675 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
20676%
20677Gomme's Laws:
20678 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
20679 (2) Time accelerates.
20680 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
20681%
20682Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
20683 -- by Margaret Mitchell
20684
20685 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
20686
20687Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
20688 -- by O. Henry
20689
20690 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
20691
20692The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
20693 -- by Ernest Hemingway
20694
20695 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
20696
20697Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
20698 -- by Anne Frank
20699
20700 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
20701%
20702Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
20703%
20704Good advice is something a man gives
20705when he is too old to set a bad example.
20706 -- La Rouchefoucauld
20707%
20708Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
20709%
20710Good day for business affairs.
20711Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
20712%
20713Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
20714%
20715Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
20716%
20717Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
20718%
20719Good day to deal with people in high places;
20720particularly lonely stewardesses.
20721%
20722Good day to let down old friends who need help.
20723%
20724Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
20725at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
20726ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
20727song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
20728%
20729Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two.
20730%
20731Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
20732%
20733Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
20734those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
20735will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
20736government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
20737 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
20738%
20739"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
20740%
20741Good judgement comes from experience.
20742Experience comes from bad judgement.
20743 -- Jim Horning
20744%
20745Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
20746%
20747Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
20748giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
20749at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
20750%
20751Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
20752%
20753Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
20754%
20755Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
20756%
20757Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
20758%
20759Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
20760%
20761Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
20762new lover.
20763%
20764Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
20765 -- R. E. Schenk
20766%
20767Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
20768 -- Gail Godwin
20769%
20770Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
20771 -- George Saunders' dying words
20772%
20773Goodbye, cool world.
20774%
20775Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
20776tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
20777misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
20778that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
20779my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
20780my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
20781holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
20782 -- George Lincoln Rockwell
20783%
20784Gordon's first law:
20785 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
20786well.
20787%
20788Gordon's Law:
20789 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
20790%
20791Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
20792time travel, you never can tell."
20793 -- Dr. Who, "Androids of Tara"
20794%
20795gossip, n:
20796 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
20797 -- Earl Wilson
20798%
20799//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
20800%
20801Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
20802Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
20803
20804 1-800-AUDITME
20805%
20806Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
20807%
20808Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
20809I went out for a ride and never came back.
20810Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
20811I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
20812
20813 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20814 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20815 Lay down your money and you play your part,
20816 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20817
20818I met her in a Kingstown bar,
20819We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
20820We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
20821Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
20822
20823Everybody needs a place to rest,
20824Everybody wants to have a home.
20825Don't make no difference what nobody says,
20826Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
20827 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
20828%
20829Got Mole problems?
20830Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
20831%
20832Goto, n.:
20833 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
20834to complain about unstructured programmers.
20835 -- Ray Simard
20836%
20837Gourmet, n:
20838 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
20839 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
20840 leaving the best part.
20841%
20842Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
20843 -- Lao Tsu
20844%
20845Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
20846 -- John Updike, "Couples"
20847%
20848Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
20849different lies.
20850%
20851Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
20852more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
20853know much.
20854 -- The Best of Will Rogers
20855%
20856Government's Law:
20857 There is an exception to all laws.
20858%
20859Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
20860leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
20861board.
20862 -- Princess Leia Organa
20863%
20864Grabel's Law:
20865 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
20866%
20867Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
20868%
20869Graduate students and most professors are
20870no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
20871%
20872Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
20873he exclaimed:
20874 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
20875 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
20876 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
20877%
20878Grandpa Charnock's Law:
20879 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20880
20881 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
20882%
20883Graphics blind the eyes.
20884Audio files deafen the ear.
20885Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
20886Heuristics weaken the mind.
20887Options wither the heart.
20888
20889The Guru observes the net
20890but trusts his inner vision.
20891He allows things to come and go.
20892His heart is as open as the ether.
20893%
20894GRASSHOPPOTAMUS:
20895 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
20896%
20897Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
20898 -- Joseph Alsop
20899%
20900GRAVITY:
20901 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
20902%
20903Gravity brings me down.
20904%
20905Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
20906%
20907Gray's Law of Programming:
20908 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
20909 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
20910
20911Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
20912 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
20913%
20914Great acts are made up of small deeds.
20915 -- Lao Tsu
20916%
20917Great American Axiom:
20918 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
20919%
20920Great minds run in great circles.
20921%
20922GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
20923
20924On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
20925place of residence.
20926%
20927GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
20928
20929Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
20930%
20931GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
20932
20933Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
20934%
20935Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
20936 -- Albert Einstein
20937
20938They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
20939also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
20940 -- Carl Sagan
20941%
20942Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
20943%
20944Green light in A.M. for new projects.
20945Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
20946%
20947Greener's Law:
20948 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
20949%
20950Green's Law of Debate:
20951Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
20952%
20953Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming:
20954 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains
20955 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation
20956 of half of Common Lisp.
20957%
20958Grelb's Reminder:
20959 Eighty percent of all people consider
20960 themselves to be above average drivers.
20961%
20962grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
20963%
20964Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
20965value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
20966 -- Mark Twain
20967%
20968Griffin's Thought:
20969 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
20970%
20971Grig (the navigator):
20972 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
20973 armada.
20974Alex (the gunner):
20975 What?!?
20976Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
20977 overwhelming odds.
20978Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
20979Grig: That's the spirit!
20980 -- The Last Starfighter
20981%
20982Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
20983 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
20984%
20985Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
20986groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
20987 -- Johnny Carson
20988%
20989Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
20990better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
20991during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
20992"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
20993 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
20994maybe, but not in the House."
20995%
20996Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
20997 -- Maurice Chevalier
20998%
20999Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
21000reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
21001concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
21002disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
21003any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
21004meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
21005Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
21006adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
21007authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
21008television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
21009sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
21010combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
21011universe while straddling a giant worm.
21012 -- Arnold Klein
21013%
21014Grub first, then ethics.
21015 -- Bertolt Brecht
21016%
21017GUILLOTINE:
21018 A French chopping center.
21019%
21020Gumperson's Law:
21021 The probability of a given event
21022 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
21023%
21024Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
21025%
21026Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
21027 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
21028 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
21029 (2) The strength of the turbulence
21030 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
21031%
21032Gurmlish, n.:
21033 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
21034 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
21035 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
21036%
21037GURU:
21038 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
21039 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
21040 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
21041%
21042guru, n:
21043 A computer owner who can read the manual.
21044%
21045Gyroscope, n.:
21046 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
21047free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
21048other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
21049mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
21050other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
21051offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
21052torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
21053 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
21054%
21055H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
21056 Slice him up before he slays you.
21057 Nothing makes you look a slob
21058 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
21059 -- The Roguelet's ABC
21060%
21061H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
21062Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
21063 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
21064%
21065H. L. Mencken's Law:
21066 Those who can -- do.
21067 Those who can't -- teach.
21068
21069Martin's Extension:
21070 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
21071
21072 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
21073%
21074hacker, n:
21075 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
21076things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
21077philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
21078 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
21079of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
21080a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
21081and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
21082
21083 Hacker's Fight Song
21084
21085 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
21086 He's a guy with the happy knack!
21087 Never bungles, never shirks,
21088 Always gets his stuff to work!
21089
21090All take a drink (important!)
21091%
21092Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
21093%
21094Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
210952 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
21096 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
210971 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
21098 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
210991/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
211008 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
21101 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
21102"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
21103 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
21104 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
21105 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
21106 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
21107 the ceiling(3m).
21108"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
21109 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
21110 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
21111 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
21112"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
21113 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
21114 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
21115%
21116Hacker's Law:
21117 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
21118 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
21119%
21120Hackers of the world, unite!
21121%
21122Hacker's Quicky #313:
21123 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
21124 Microwave Egg Roll
21125 Chocolate Milk
21126%
21127Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
21128%
21129"Had he and I but met
21130By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
21131We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
21132Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
21133 And killed him in his place.
21134I shot him dead because --
21135Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
21136Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
21137That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
21138 No other reason why.
21139Yes; quaint and curious war is!
21140You shoot a fellow down
21141You'd treat, if met where any bar is
21142Or help to half-a-crown."
21143 -- Thomas Hardy
21144%
21145Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
21146useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
21147 -- Alfonso the Wise
21148
21149 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
21150 referring to operating system initialization.]
21151%
21152Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
21153fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
21154%
21155Hail to the sun god
21156He's such a fun god
21157Ra! Ra! Ra!
21158%
21159Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
21160%
21161Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
21162a big enough majority in any town?
21163 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
21164%
21165Hale Mail Rule, The:
21166 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
21167 one of the following:
21168 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
21169 (b) Stationery.
21170 (c) Postage stamp.
21171 (d) The letter you are answering.
21172%
21173Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
21174But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
21175But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
21176When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
21177%
21178Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
21179%
21180Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
21181%
21182Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
21183and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
21184%
21185Half-done:
21186 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
21187crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
21188between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
21189the difference between life and death.
21190 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
21191there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
21192airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
21193Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
21194Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
21195about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
21196man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
21197 Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
21198 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
21199%
21200half-done, n:
21201 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
21202 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
21203 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
21204 difference between life and death.
21205
21206 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
21207 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
21208 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
21209 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
21210 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
21211 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
21212 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
21213 -- Arthur Naiman
21214%
21215Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
21216%
21217Hall's Laws of Politics:
21218 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
21219 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
21220 something fixed.
21221 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
21222 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
21223 their own districts).
21224%
21225Hand, n.:
21226 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
21227commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
21228 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21229%
21230Handel's Proverb:
21231 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
21232%
21233handshaking protocol, n:
21234 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
21235 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
21236 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
21237%
21238Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
21239 -- Pink Floyd
21240%
21241hangover, n:
21242 The wrath of grapes.
21243%
21244Hanlon's Razor:
21245 Never attribute to malice
21246 that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
21247%
21248Hanson's Treatment of Time:
21249 There are never enough hours in a day,
21250 but always too many days before Saturday.
21251%
21252Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
21253%
21254Happiness is a hard disk.
21255%
21256Happiness is a positive cash flow.
21257%
21258Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
21259 -- Ingrid Bergman
21260%
21261Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
21262 -- Ogden Nash
21263%
21264Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
21265%
21266Happiness is the greatest good.
21267%
21268Happiness is twin floppies.
21269%
21270Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
21271%
21272Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
21273 -- Oscar Levant
21274%
21275Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
21276%
21277Happiness, n.:
21278 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
21279another.
21280 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21281%
21282happiness, n:
21283 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
21284%
21285Happy feast of the pig!
21286%
21287Happy is the child whose father died rich.
21288%
21289hard, adj:
21290 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
21291 of other people.
21292%
21293Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
21294 -- Daniel Dennett
21295%
21296Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
21297%
21298Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
21299 -- Charlie McCarthy
21300%
21301hardware, n:
21302 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
21303%
21304Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
21305The Duke is fond of kittens
21306He likes to take their insides out
21307And use them for his mittens
21308 From "The Thirteen Clocks"
21309%
21310Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
21311Advertising wondrous things.
21312 -- Tom Lehrer
21313%
21314Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
21315convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
21316 -- Tobias Smollet
21317%
21318Harp not on that string.
21319 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21320%
21321Harriet's Dining Observation:
21322 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
21323 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
21324%
21325Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
21326and I were waiting with our plates ready.
21327 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
21328the gravy with."
21329 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
21330reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
21331again, Harris and the pie were gone!
21332 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
21333hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
21334on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
21335 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
21336 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
21337 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
21338 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
21339theory.
21340 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
21341to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
21342 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
21343hadn't been carving that pie."
21344 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
21345%
21346Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
21347 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
21348 equipment ruined.
21349%
21350Harrison's Postulate:
21351For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
21352%
21353Harris's Lament:
21354 All the good ones are taken.
21355%
21356Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
21357always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
21358required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
21359were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
21360feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
21361a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
21362pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
21363procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
21364took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
21365the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
21366again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
21367waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
21368 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
21369was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
21370could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
21371you know."
21372%
21373Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
21374makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
21375famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
21376probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
21377have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
21378enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
21379attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
21380down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
21381just like Richard Nixon."
21382 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
21383%
21384Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
21385milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
21386sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
21387with all that pep and vitality.
21388%
21389Hartley's First Law:
21390 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
21391 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
21392%
21393HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
21394 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
21395
21396My corollary:
21397 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
21398%
21399Harvard Law:
21400 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
21401 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
21402 organism will do as it damn well pleases.
21403%
21404HARVARD:
21405Quarterback:
21406 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
21407a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi
21408has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
21409has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
21410Wide Receiver:
21411 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
21412Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
21413fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
21414or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
21415asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
21416those times.
21417YALE:
21418Defense:
21419 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
21420Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
21421Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
21422the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
21423out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
21424coin toss.
21425 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
21426%
21427Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
21428%
21429"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
21430"Yes; I don't have one."
21431"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
21432 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
21433%
21434Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
21435with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
21436was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
21437It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
21438but a lot harder than it appears.
21439%
21440Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
21441appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
21442and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
21443not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its
21444incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
21445 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
21446%
21447Haste makes waste.
21448 -- John Heywood
21449%
21450Hatcheck girl:
21451 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
21452Mae West:
21453 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
21454 -- "Night After Night", 1932
21455%
21456Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
21457stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
21458%
21459Hate the sin and love the sinner.
21460 -- Mahatma Gandhi
21461%
21462Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
21463unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
21464 -- Mike Royko
21465%
21466Hatred, n.:
21467 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
21468superiority.
21469 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21470%
21471Have a coke and a smile!
21472 -- John DeLorean
21473%
21474Have a nice day!
21475%
21476Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
21477%
21478Have a place for everything and keep the thing
21479somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
21480 -- Mark Twain
21481%
21482Have a taco.
21483 -- P. S. Beagle
21484%
21485Have an adequate day.
21486%
21487Have at you!
21488%
21489Have no friends not equal to yourself.
21490 -- Confucius
21491%
21492Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
21493to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
21494non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
21495
21496Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
21497still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
21498only serves to blunt the warning signs.
21499
21500 Long live the revolution!
21501 Have a nice day.
21502%
21503Have the courage to take your own thoughts
21504seriously, for they will shape you.
21505 -- Albert Einstein
21506%
21507Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
21508halfway between an oven and a pasture?
21509walking in a trance toward a pregnant
21510 seventeen-year-old housewife's
21511 two-day-old cookbook?
21512 -- Richard Brautigan
21513%
21514Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
21515
21516Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
21517she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
21518whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
21519So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
21520remain so.
21521 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
21522%
21523Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
21524to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
21525never find the time for play?
21526%
21527Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs,
21528I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container
21529filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
21530sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
21531their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
21532mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
21533they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
21534 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
21535%
21536Have you flogged your kid today?
21537%
21538"Have you lived here all your life?"
21539"Oh, twice that long."
21540%
21541Have you locked your file cabinet?
21542%
21543Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
21544vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
21545%
21546Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
21547sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
21548 -- Dr. Who
21549%
21550Have you reconsidered a computer career?
21551%
21552Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
21553photograph an American with his mouth shut!
21554%
21555Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
21556Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
21557In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
21558Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
21559
21560How can you tell me you're lonely,
21561And say for you the sun don't shine?
21562Let me take you by the hand
21563Lead you through the streets of London
21564I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
21565
21566Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
21567Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
21568In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
21569For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
21570%
21571Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
21572On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
21573High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
21574Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
21575If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21576Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21577...
21578Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
21579Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
21580Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
21581Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
21582Puttin' on the Ritz.
21583...
21584If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21585Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21586Puttin' on the Ritz.
21587Puttin' on the Ritz.
21588Puttin' on the Ritz.
21589Puttin' on the Ritz.
21590%
21591Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
21592in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
21593then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
21594eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
21595blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
21596the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
21597 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
21598%
21599Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
21600%
21601Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
21602 -- Martin Mull
21603%
21604Having no talent is no longer enough.
21605 -- Gore Vidal
21606%
21607Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
21608 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21609%
21610Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
21611 -- Socrates
21612%
21613Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
21614relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
21615the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
21616 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
21617dog, too!"
21618%
21619"Hawk, we're going to die."
21620"Never say die... and certainly never say we."
21621 -- M*A*S*H
21622%
21623Hawkeye's Conclusion:
21624 It's not easy to play the clown
21625 when you've got to run the whole circus.
21626%
21627He: Do you like Kipling?
21628She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
21629%
21630He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
21631She: "What do you want me to yell?"
21632 -- Benny Hill
21633%
21634HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
21635SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
21636 -- Walt Kelley
21637%
21638He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
21639 -- S. Wright
21640%
21641"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
21642effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
21643perversion."
21644 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
21645%
21646He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
21647the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
21648 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
21649%
21650He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
21651 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
21652%
21653He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
21654finer than the staple of his argument.
21655 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
21656%
21657"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
21658%
21659He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
21660%
21661He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
21662perfectly delightful.
21663 -- Sydney Smith
21664%
21665He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
21666and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
21667all hope of ever behaving "normally."
21668 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
21669%
21670He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
21671 -- Oscar Wilde
21672%
21673He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
21674Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
21675 -- Stig's Inferno
21676%
21677He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
21678 -- Bion
21679%
21680He hath eaten me out of house and home.
21681 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
21682%
21683He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
21684of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
21685said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
21686 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
21687%
21688He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
21689 -- John LeCarre
21690%
21691He is considered a most graceful speaker
21692who can say nothing in the most words.
21693%
21694He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
21695%
21696He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
21697 -- Samuel Johnson
21698%
21699He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
21700 -- Mark Twain
21701%
21702He is the best of men who dislikes power.
21703 -- Mohammed
21704%
21705He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
21706%
21707He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
21708 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
21709%
21710He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
21711%
21712He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
21713 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
21714%
21715He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
21716 -- Sir Richard Burton
21717%
21718He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
21719once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
21720%
21721He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21722%
21723He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21724 -- Ring Lardner
21725%
21726He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
21727 -- Andrew Lang
21728%
21729He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
21730had fallen to the ground.
21731 -- The Book of Serenity
21732%
21733(He opens a tolm and begins.)
21734
21735 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
21736 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
21737 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
21738 I must translate it otherwise.
21739 If I am well inspired and not blind.
21740 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
21741 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
21742 Lest you should write too hastily.
21743 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
21744 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
21745 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
21746 That my translation must be changed again.
21747 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
21748 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
21749 -- Goethe's Faust
21750%
21751[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
21752 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear.
21753
21754My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
21755 -- Peter Stack, movie review
21756
21757His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
21758 -- John Stark, movie review
21759%
21760He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
21761 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
21762%
21763He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
21764And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
21765 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
21766%
21767He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
21768 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
21769%
21770He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
21771 -- Scottish proverb.
21772%
21773He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
21774 -- Ben Franklin
21775%
21776He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
21777 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
21778%
21779He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
21780 -- Benjamin Franklin
21781%
21782He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
21783%
21784He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
21785 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
21786%
21787He thought he saw an albatross
21788That fluttered 'round the lamp.
21789He looked again and saw it was
21790A penny postage stamp.
21791"You'd best be getting home," he said,
21792"The nights are rather damp."
21793%
21794He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
21795three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
21796In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
21797slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
21798the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
21799 -- Eric Van Lustbader
21800%
21801[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
21802a complete set.
21803 -- Ring Lardner
21804%
21805He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
21806%
21807He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
21808made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
21809disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
21810dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
21811told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
21812 -- Jack Handey
21813%
21814He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
21815 -- Jonathon Swift
21816%
21817"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
21818insufferable."
21819%
21820He was part of my dream, of course --
21821but then I was part of his dream too.
21822 -- Lewis Carroll
21823%
21824He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
21825%
21826He was the sort of person whose personality
21827would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
21828%
21829He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
21830%
21831He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
21832broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
21833 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
21834%
21835He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
21836 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
21837%
21838He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
21839the human condition is a fool.
21840 -- Albert Camus
21841%
21842He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
21843 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
21844%
21845He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
21846 -- Balzac
21847%
21848He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
21849 -- Sinbad
21850%
21851He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
21852%
21853He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
21854%
21855He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
21856%
21857He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
21858%
21859He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
21860%
21861He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
21862a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
21863 -- Giacomo Leopardi
21864%
21865He who hates vices hates mankind.
21866%
21867He who hesitates is a damned fool.
21868 -- Mae West
21869%
21870He who hesitates is last.
21871%
21872He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
21873%
21874He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
21875%
21876He who invents adages for others to peruse
21877takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
21878%
21879He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
21880%
21881He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
21882%
21883He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
21884%
21885He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
21886encounter many rivals.
21887 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
21888%
21889He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
21890night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
21891senses until the day of judgement.
21892 -- Saadi
21893%
21894He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
21895%
21896He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
21897 -- Lao Tsu
21898%
21899He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
21900He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
21901He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
21902%
21903He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
21904But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
21905And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
21906 he knows something. Or something like that.
21907%
21908He who knows others is wise.
21909He who knows himself is enlightened.
21910 -- Lao Tsu
21911%
21912He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
21913 -- Lao Tsu
21914%
21915He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
21916 -- Bertolt Brecht
21917%
21918He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
21919%
21920He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
21921%
21922He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
21923%
21924He who laughs last is probably your boss.
21925%
21926He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
21927%
21928He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
21929%
21930He who laughs, lasts.
21931%
21932He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
21933%
21934He who loses, wins the race,
21935And parallel lines meet in space.
21936 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
21937%
21938He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
21939 -- Dr. Johnson
21940%
21941He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
21942%
21943He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
21944be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
21945 -- Sir Richard Burton
21946%
21947He who slings mud generally loses ground.
21948 -- Adlai Stevenson
21949%
21950He who slings mud loses ground.
21951 -- Chinese Proverb
21952%
21953He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
21954%
21955He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
21956%
21957He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
21958 -- Sinbad
21959%
21960He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
21961 -- M. C. Escher
21962%
21963He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
21964on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
21965education and culture.
21966 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
21967%
21968HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
21969Details at 11.
21970%
21971Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
21972%
21973Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
21974lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
21975 -- Redd Foxx
21976%
21977Hear about...
21978 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
21979 started chiseling on his wife?
21980%
21981Hear about...
21982 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
21983 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
21984%
21985Hear about...
21986 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
21987 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
21988 up a chopped libber?
21989%
21990Hear about...
21991 the guru who refused Novocain while having a tooth pulled because
21992 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
21993%
21994Hear about...
21995 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
21996 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
21997 Space"?
21998%
21999Hear about...
22000 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
22001 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
22002 typewriter's ribbon?
22003%
22004Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
22005Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
22006%
22007Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
22008One fortunate cookie...
22009%
22010Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
22011From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
22012 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
22013%
22014Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
22015Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
22016%
22017Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
22018 -- The Wizard of Oz
22019%
22020Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
22021on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
22022 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
22023 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
22024%
22025Heaven, n.:
22026 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
22027their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
22028expound your own.
22029 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22030%
22031Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
22032 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
22033%
22034heavy, adj:
22035 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
22036%
22037Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
22038%
22039Heisenberg may have been here.
22040%
22041"Heisenberg may have slept here"
22042%
22043Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
22044 -- Milton Friedman
22045%
22046Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
22047for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
22048 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
22049%
22050Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
22051how are they supposed to know you care?
22052%
22053Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
22054 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
22055%
22056hell, n:
22057 Truth seen too late.
22058%
22059Heller's Law:
22060 The first myth of management is that it exists.
22061
22062Johnson's Corollary:
22063 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
22064 organization.
22065%
22066Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
22067please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
22068Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
22069%
22070Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
22071date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
22072And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
22073you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
22074smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
22075don't hear your girl screaming any more?
22076
22077 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
22078 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
22079 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
22080%
22081"Hello," he lied.
22082 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
22083%
22084Hell's broken loose.
22085 -- Robert Greene
22086%
22087Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
22088%
22089Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
22090%
22091HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
22092%
22093HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
22094 -- E. E. CUMMINGS
22095%
22096Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
22097%
22098Help fight continental drift.
22099%
22100HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
22101%
22102Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
22103%
22104Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
22105%
22106Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
22107%
22108Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
22109getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
22110her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
22111regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
22112them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
22113them, without any power of engaging their respect.
22114 -- J. Austen
22115%
22116Her locks an ancient lady gave
22117Her loving husband's life to save;
22118And men -- they honored so the dame --
22119Upon some stars bestowed her name.
22120
22121But to our modern married fair,
22122Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
22123No stellar recognition's given.
22124There are not stars enough in heaven.
22125%
22126Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
22127from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth...
22128%
22129Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
22130%
22131Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
22132I've been caught inside this trap too many times
22133I must've walked these steps and said these words a
22134 thousand times before
22135It seems like I know everybody's lines.
22136 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
22137%
22138Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
22139I grow up.
22140 -- Peter Drucker
22141%
22142Here I sit, broken-hearted,
22143All logged in, but work unstarted.
22144First net.this and net.that,
22145And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
22146
22147The boss comes by, and I play the game,
22148Then I turn back to net.flame.
22149Is there a cure (I need your views),
22150For someone trapped in net.news?
22151
22152I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
22153'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
22154%
22155Here in my heart, I am Helen;
22156 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
22157I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
22158 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
22159
22160Here in my soul I am Sappho;
22161 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
22162In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
22163 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
22164
22165I'm all of the glamorous ladies
22166 At whose beckoning history shook.
22167But you are a man, and see only my pan,
22168 So I stay at home with a book.
22169 -- Dorothy Parker
22170%
22171Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
22172lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
22173your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
22174Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
22175pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
22176but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
22177important electrical lesson.
22178
22179It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
22180your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
22181objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
22182attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
22183collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
22184friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
22185carpet, thus completing the circuit.
22186
22187Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
22188touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
22189finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
22190have carpeting.
22191 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
22192%
22193Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
22194if you're alive, it isn't.
22195%
22196Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
22197to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
22198marketing anxiety in China.
22199
22200The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
22201inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
22202
22203Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
22204
22205The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
22206a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
22207tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
22208satiric vistas do not open up.
22209 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
22210%
22211HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
22212SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
22213NO LES
22214NO MOORE
22215 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
22216%
22217Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
22218Now she's at rest, and so am I.
22219 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
22220%
22221Here there by tygers.
22222%
22223HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
22224the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
22225around as if you're going to fall.
22226 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
22227%
22228Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
22229`Psychic Wins Lottery.'
22230 -- Jay Leno
22231%
22232Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
22233King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
22234
22235 * Governmental offices
22236 * Post offices
22237 * Libraries
22238 * Schools
22239 * Banks
22240 * Parts of Palm Beach
22241
22242and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
22243 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
22244%
22245Herth's Law:
22246 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
22247%
22248He's been like a father to me,
22249He's the only DJ you can get after three,
22250I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
22251And why he don't like me I don't understand.
22252 -- The Byrds
22253%
22254He's dead, Jim.
22255%
22256He's got the heart of a little child,
22257and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
22258%
22259He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
22260%
22261He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
22262%
22263He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
22264his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
22265 -- Phil Lapsley
22266%
22267He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
22268be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
22269%
22270"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
22271%
22272Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
22273If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
22274%
22275Hewett's Observation:
22276 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
22277 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
22278 peers similarly engaged.
22279%
22280"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
22281 -- W. C. Fields
22282%
22283Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
22284To get a little more stack;
22285If that's not enough then you lose it all
22286And have to pop all the way back.
22287%
22288Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
22289gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
22290%
22291HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
22292 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
22293 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
22294 these words were spoken.
22295%
22296"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
22297"Whattaya need?"
22298"Oh, about $500."
22299"Whattaya got for collateral?"
22300"Whattaya need?"
22301"How about an eye?"
22302 -- Sam Giancana
22303%
22304Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
22305*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
22306 -- Gallagher
22307%
22308Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
22309Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
22310%
22311Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
22312the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
22313leave your name and message after the beep...
22314%
22315Hi! How are things going?
22316 (just fine, thank you...)
22317Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
22318 (you just asked one...)
22319Well, how about one more?
22320 (one more than the first one?)
22321Yes.
22322 (you already asked that...)
22323[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
22324May I ask two questions, sir?
22325 (no.)
22326May I ask ONE then?
22327 (nope...)
22328Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
22329 (yes, you may.)
22330Sir, how may I ask you a question?
22331 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
22332 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
22333 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
22334 next one)
22335Sir, may I ask nine questions?
22336 (go right ahead...)
22337%
22338"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
22339As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
22340equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
22341Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
22342probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
22343course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
22344experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
22345of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
22346
22347"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
22348motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
22349 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
22350%
22351Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
22352You wanna help on the audit now?
22353%
22354Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
22355reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
22356nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
22357%
22358Hickery Dickery Dock,
22359The mice ran up the clock,
22360The clock struck one,
22361The others escaped with minor injuries.
22362%
22363Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
22364
22365 WE CAN HELP!
22366
22367Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
22368%
22369Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
22370Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
22371Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
22372Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
22373 We buried him today because
22374 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
22375 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
22376 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
22377 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
22378 Schickele
22379%
22380Higgeldy Piggeldy,
22381Hamlet of Elsinore
22382Ruffled the critics by
22383Dropping this bomb:
22384"Phooey on Freud and his
22385Psychoanalysis,
22386Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
22387I just loved Mom."
22388%
22389Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
22390Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
22391 little of both.
22392 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
22393%
22394High heels are a device invented by a woman
22395who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
22396%
22397High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
22398Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
22399 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
22400 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
22401 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
22402 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
22403High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
22404Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
22405 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
22406 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
22407 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
22408 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
22409 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
22410 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
22411 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
22412All: Amen.
22413 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
22414%
22415HIGH TECHNOLOGY:
22416 A California innovation composed
22417 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
22418%
22419Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
22420%
22421Hildebrant's Principle:
22422 If you don't know where you are going,
22423 any road will get you there.
22424%
22425Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
22426Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
22427Him: "Really? That's incredible...
22428 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
22429 -- "The Jerk"
22430%
22431Hindsight is always 20:20.
22432 -- Billy Wilder
22433%
22434Hindsight is an exact science.
22435%
22436Hippogriff, n.:
22437 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
22438The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
22439The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
22440is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
22441of surprises.
22442 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22443%
22444Hire the morally handicapped.
22445%
22446His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
22447a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
22448 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
22449%
22450...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
22451 -- Tommy
22452%
22453"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
22454outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
22455%
22456His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
22457to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
22458claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
22459stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
22460Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
22461went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
22462prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
22463goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
22464the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
22465Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
22466rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
22467Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
22468 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
22469%
22470"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
22471money, he went to Southern California."
22472%
22473His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
22474%
22475His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
22476 -- P. G. Wodehouse
22477%
22478His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
22479%
22480His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
22481 -- Foghorn Leghorn
22482%
22483His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
22484%
22485Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
22486of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
22487continues to this day.
22488 -- Wayne Shannon
22489%
22490History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
22491%
22492History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
22493of the Mexican revolution:
22494
22495 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
22496captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
22497shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
22498the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
22499army where he was then executed."
22500%
22501History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
22502i.e. none to speak of.
22503 -- Lazarus Long
22504%
22505History is curious stuff
22506 You'd think by now we had enough
22507Yet the fact remains I fear
22508 They make more of it every year.
22509%
22510History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
22511cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
22512 -- Leo Tolstoy
22513%
22514History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
22515%
22516History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
22517 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
22518%
22519History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
22520%
22521History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
22522time as bedroom farce.
22523%
22524History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
22525%
22526History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
22527periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
22528asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
22529intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
22530state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
22531 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
22532%
22533Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
22534Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
22535Pour my black old coffee longer,
22536While that smell is gettin' stronger
22537A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
22538
22539Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
22540With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
22541If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
22542The Lord'll bless your sharin'
22543A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
22544
22545And let me halfway fall in love,
22546For part of a lonely night,
22547With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22548Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
22549Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
22550With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22551 -- Elroy Blunt
22552%
22553Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
22554 The stapler runs out of staples
22555 only while you are trying to staple something.
22556%
22557Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
22558agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
22559used against the coloured.
22560 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
22561%
22562Hlade's Law:
22563 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
22564 they will find an easier way to do it.
22565%
22566Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
22567An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
22568
22569The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
22570media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
22571discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
22572our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
22573structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
22574remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
22575creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
22576inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
22577class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
22578the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
22579sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
22580exist in a more fundamental sense.
22581%
22582Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
22583 Inside every large problem is a small
22584 problem struggling to get out.
22585%
22586Hodie natus est radici frater.
22587%
22588Hoffer's Discovery:
22589 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
22590 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
22591%
22592Hofstadter's Law:
22593 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
22594 Hofstadter's Law into account.
22595%
22596HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
22597 Take a shot every time:
22598
22599-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
22600-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
22601-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
22602-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
22603-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
22604 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
22605-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
22606-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
22607 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
22608-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
22609-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
22610-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
22611-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
22612-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
22613-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
22614-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
22615-- Lebeau wears his apron.
22616-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
22617 plan is impossible.
22618-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
22619%
22620Hollerith, v:
22621 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
22622%
22623Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
22624 -- Rex Reed
22625%
22626Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
22627Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
22628
22629 Tune in again tomorrow:
22630 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
22631%
22632HOLY MACRO!
22633%
22634Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
22635they have to take you in.
22636 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
22637%
22638Home is where the hurt is.
22639%
22640Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
22641cage is to a cockatoo.
22642 -- George Bernard Shaw
22643%
22644Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
22645The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
22646 -- Chris Shaw
22647%
22648Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
22649%
22650"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
22651 -- Samuel Butler
22652%
22653Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
22654 -- Plato
22655%
22656"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
22657%
22658Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
22659 -- F. M. Hubbard
22660%
22661Honesty's the best policy.
22662 -- Miguel de Cervantes
22663%
22664honeymoon, n:
22665 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
22666 -- Ray C. Bandy
22667%
22668Honi soit la vache qui rit.
22669%
22670Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
22671%
22672Honk if you love peace and quiet.
22673%
22674Honorable, adj.:
22675 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
22676bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
22677honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
22678 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22679%
22680Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
22681 -- Francis Bacon
22682%
22683Hope is a waking dream.
22684 -- Aristotle
22685%
22686Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
22687 -- M. Horner
22688%
22689Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
22690%
22691Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
22692 -- Peanuts
22693%
22694Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
22695as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
22696 -- Moore
22697%
22698Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
22699 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
22700%
22701Horngren's Observation:
22702 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
22703%
22704Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
22705 -- Jack Benny
22706%
22707Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
22708 -- W.C. Fields
22709%
22710HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
22711%
22712HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
22713%
22714Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
22715had towels from my house.
22716 -- Mark Guido
22717%
22718Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
22719%
22720Household hint:
22721 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
22722 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
22723%
22724Housework can kill you if done right.
22725 -- Erma Bombeck
22726%
22727Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
22728 -- Neil Armstrong
22729%
22730How apt the poor are to be proud.
22731 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
22732%
22733How can you be in two places at once
22734when you're not anywhere at all?
22735%
22736How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
22737 -- Schulz
22738%
22739How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
22740 -- Charles de Gaulle
22741%
22742How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
22743 -- Pink Floyd
22744%
22745How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
22746thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
22747in the waking state?
22748 -- Plato
22749%
22750How can you think and hit at the same time?
22751 -- Yogi Berra
22752%
22753How can you work when the system's so crowded?
22754%
22755How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
22756%
22757How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
22758claim they'll make you?
22759%
22760How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
22761%
22762How come we never talk anymore?
22763%
22764How come wrong numbers are never busy?
22765%
22766How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
22767in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
22768 -- A. Cooper
22769%
22770How could they think women a recreation?
22771Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
22772Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
22773of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
22774be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
22775Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
22776I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
22777of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
22778The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
22779Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
22780A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
22781I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
22782for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
22783To ambergris. But not for recreation.
22784I would not have lost so much for recreation.
22785
22786Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
22787of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
22788Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
22789have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
22790But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
22791To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
22792and call and call forever till she turn from bird
22793to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
22794To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
22795in all her fresh particularity of difference.
22796Then oh, through the underwater time of night
22797indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
22798This I have done with my life, and am content.
22799I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
22800standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
22801 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
22802%
22803"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows."
22804%
22805How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
22806 -- Elliot, "E.T."
22807%
22808"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid
22809to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
22810 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
22811replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
22812you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
22813deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
22814second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
22815in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
22816licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
22817examined his claws.
22818 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
22819hers and not my own, not ever again."
22820 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
22821%
22822How doth the little crocodile
22823 Improve his shining tail,
22824And pour the waters of the Nile
22825 On every golden scale!
22826
22827How cheerfully he seems to grin,
22828 How neatly spreads his claws,
22829And welcomes little fishes in,
22830 With gently smiling jaws!
22831 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
22832%
22833How doth the VAX's C-compiler
22834 Improve its object code.
22835And even as we speak does it
22836 Increase the system load.
22837
22838How patiently it seems to run
22839 And spit out error flags,
22840While users, with frustration, all
22841 Tear their clothes to rags.
22842%
22843How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
22844journalists, and they believe what they read.
22845 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
22846%
22847How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
22848%
22849How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
22850 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
22851%
22852How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22853None: "We'll fix it in software."
22854
22855How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22856None: "We'll document it in the manual."
22857
22858How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22859None: "The user can work it out."
22860%
22861"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
22862carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
22863
22864Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
22865d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
22866what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
22867say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
22868back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
22869cheese!" and so on.
22870 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
22871%
22872How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
22873%
22874How many weeks are there in a light year?
22875%
22876How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
22877Dayton?
22878 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
22879%
22880How much does she love you?
22881Less than you'll ever know.
22882%
22883How much for your women? I want to buy your
22884daughter... how much for the little girl?
22885 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
22886%
22887How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
22888%
22889How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
22890%
22891How often I found where I should be going
22892only by setting out for somewhere else.
22893 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
22894%
22895How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
22896%
22897How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
22898 -- Linus Van Pelt
22899%
22900How to become a sysop:
22901 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
22902 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
22903 worked a full day in my life since then.
22904 -- rho/slashdot
22905%
22906How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
22907 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
22908%
22909How untasteful can you get?
22910%
22911How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
22912%
22913HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22914 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
22915%
22916HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22917 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
22918%
22919HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22920
22921 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
22922 you.
22923%
22924How you look depends on where you go.
22925%
22926Howe's Law:
22927 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
22928%
22929However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
22930in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
22931 -- Tom K. Ryan
22932%
22933However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
22934is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
22935There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
22936or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
22937powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
22938sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
22939not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
22940government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
22941with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
22942threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
22943tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
22944that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
22945"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
22946claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
22947angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
22948who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
22949call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
22950of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
22951in the name of "conservatism."
22952 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
22953%
22954HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
22955that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
22956changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
22957was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
22958amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
22959was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
22960 -- Albuquerque Journal
22961%
22962Hubbard's Law:
22963 Don't take life too seriously;
22964 you won't get out of it alive.
22965%
22966Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
22967Oh wait...
22968I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
22969Never mind.
22970%
22971Huh?
22972%
22973Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
22974%
22975Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
22976Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
22977table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
22978a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
22979walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
22980x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
22981%
22982Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
22983 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
22984%
22985Human resources are human first, and resources second.
22986 -- J. Garbers
22987%
22988Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
22989responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
22990immature.
22991 -- Tom Robbins
22992%
22993Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
22994 -- Alan Kay
22995%
22996Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
22997 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
22998%
22999Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
23000%
23001Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
23002 -- William Gilbert
23003%
23004Humorists always sit at the children's table.
23005 -- Woody Allen
23006%
23007"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
23008chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
23009jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
23010state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
23011through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
23012 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
23013Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
23014You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
23015dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
23016oil!"
23017 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
23018%
23019Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
23020Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
23021All the king's horses,
23022And all the king's men,
23023Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
23024%
23025Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
23026%
23027Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
23028 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
23029 to... to... uh.....
23030%
23031Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given
23032time, turns into people.
23033 -- Harlow Shapley
23034%
23035I:
23036 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
23037 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
23038II:
23039 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
23040 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
23041III:
23042 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
23043IV:
23044 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
23045V:
23046 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
23047 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
23048 output.
23049 -- Norman Augustine
23050%
23051I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
23052are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
23053carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
23054terrifies people the most.
23055 -- Bob Dylan
23056%
23057I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
23058 -- John Hinckley
23059%
23060I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
23061 -- Muhammad Ali
23062%
23063I allow the world to live as it chooses,
23064and I allow myself to live as I choose.
23065%
23066I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
23067or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
23068viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
23069 -- Richard M. Nixon
23070
23071What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
23072 -- Richard M. Nixon
23073%
23074I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
23075good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
23076 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
23077%
23078I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
23079 -- David Bowie
23080%
23081I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
23082It is never any good to oneself.
23083 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
23084%
23085I always say beauty is only sin deep.
23086 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
23087%
23088I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
23089accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
23090 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
23091%
23092I always wake up at the crack of ice.
23093 -- Joe E. Lewis
23094%
23095I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
23096'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
23097I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
23098On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
23099I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
23100The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
23101Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23102And a cow. And a cow.
23103
23104The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
23105Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
23106The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
23107It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
23108Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
23109One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
23110 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23111 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
23112 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
23113%
23114I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
23115person, you will not sell me another book.
23116%
23117I am a computer.
23118I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
23119%
23120I am a conscientious man, when I throw
23121rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
23122 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
23123%
23124I am a deeply superficial person.
23125 -- Andy Warhol
23126%
23127I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
23128than be one.
23129 -- Clarence Darrow
23130%
23131I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
23132 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
23133%
23134I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
23135computer to be running Win98.
23136 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
23137%
23138I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
23139limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
23140 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
23141%
23142I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
23143 -- Winston Churchill
23144%
23145"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
23146have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
23147This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
23148reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
23149buy some more."
23150 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
23151%
23152I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
23153for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
23154is to suffer for others.
23155 -- Cesar Chavez
23156%
23157I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
23158quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
23159otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
23160 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
23161%
23162I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
23163 -- Katharine Whitehorn
23164%
23165I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
23166I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
23167was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
23168 -- Steven Wright
23169%
23170"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
23171of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
23172you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
23173atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
23174inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
23175 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
23176%
23177I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
23178 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
23179%
23180I am looking for a honest man.
23181 -- Diogenes the Cynic
23182%
23183I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
23184%
23185I am NOMAD!
23186%
23187I am not a crook.
23188 -- Richard Nixon
23189%
23190I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
23191 -- A. Ward
23192%
23193I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
23194 -- William Allen White
23195%
23196I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
23197 -- Paul McCracken
23198%
23199I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
23200 -- Gloria Steinem
23201%
23202I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
23203 -- Dennis Ritchie
23204%
23205"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
23206 -- English Professor
23207%
23208I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
23209that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
23210planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
23211world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
23212 -- Bill Cole
23213%
23214I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
23215(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
23216 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
23217%
23218I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
23219for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
23220 -- Winston Churchill
23221%
23222I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
23223has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
23224 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
23225%
23226I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
23227with an option to buy.
23228%
23229I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
23230%
23231I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
23232%
23233I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
23234 -- John Donne
23235%
23236I am two with nature.
23237 -- Woody Allen
23238%
23239I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
23240I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
23241 -- Samuel Johnson
23242%
23243I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
23244sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
23245loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
23246 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
23247 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
23248%
23249"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
23250argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
23251steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
23252they don't even invite me."
23253 -- Dave Barry
23254%
23255I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
23256why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
23257small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
23258would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
23259Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
23260them completely, even molding the keypads.
23261 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
23262%
23263I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
23264ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
23265%
23266I B M
23267U B M
23268We all B M
23269For I B M!!!!
23270 -- H.A.R.L.I.E.
23271%
23272I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
23273 -- Gilda Radner
23274%
23275I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
23276perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
23277I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
23278and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
23279a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
23280together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
23281wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
23282the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
23283be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
23284to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
23285as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
23286twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
23287with time.
23288 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
23289%
23290I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
23291particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
23292 -- Ogden Nash
23293%
23294I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
23295-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
23296how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
23297to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
23298political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
23299because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
23300the people who might elect him.
23301 -- John F. Kennedy
23302%
23303I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
23304 -- G. K. Chesterton
23305%
23306I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
23307 -- Woody Allen
23308%
23309I believe that professional wrestling is clean
23310and everything else in the world is fixed.
23311 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
23312%
23313I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
23314thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
23315total discrediting of the world of reality.
23316 -- Salvador Dali
23317%
23318I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
23319 -- Will Rogers
23320%
23321I bet the human brain is a kludge.
23322 -- Marvin Minsky
23323%
23324I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
23325the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
23326 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23327%
23328I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
23329end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
23330embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
23331they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
23332 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23333%
23334I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
23335 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
23336 a visit to a London veterans hospital
23337%
23338I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
23339 -- Stephen Wright
23340%
23341I brake for chezlogs!
23342%
23343I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
23344Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
23345box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
23346relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
23347psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
23348more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
23349sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
23350be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
23351as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
23352thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
23353the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
23354your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
23355your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
23356apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
23357down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
23358 -- Townsend Davis
23359%
23360I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
23361 -- Biff Barf
23362%
23363I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
23364They're still living in the fifties.
23365 -- Strange de Jim
23366%
23367I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
23368%
23369I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
23370All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
23371 -- Firesign Theatre
23372%
23373I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
23374%
23375I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
23376prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
23377bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
23378relentless day.
23379 -- Betty MacDonald
23380%
23381I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
23382 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
23383%
23384I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
23385 -- Jay Gould
23386%
23387I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
23388and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
23389 -- Larry Lee
23390%
23391I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
23392%
23393I can relate to that.
23394%
23395"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
2339625 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
23397true."
23398 -- Harry S. Truman
23399%
23400I can resist anything but temptation.
23401%
23402I can see him a'comin'
23403With his big boots on,
23404With his big thumb out,
23405He wants to get me.
23406He wants to hurt me.
23407He wants to bring me down.
23408But some time later,
23409When I feel a little straighter,
23410I'll come across a stranger
23411Who'll remind me of the danger,
23412And then.... I'll run him over.
23413Pretty smart on my part!
23414To find my way... In the dark!
23415 -- Phil Ochs
23416%
23417I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
23418and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
23419 -- A. J. Liebling
23420%
23421I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
23422 -- Lillian Hellman
23423%
23424I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
23425 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
23426%
23427I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
23428of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
23429 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
23430%
23431I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
23432If it be man's work I will do it.
23433%
23434I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
23435
23436What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
23437grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
23438of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
23439United States would have lost World War II."
23440 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
23441%
23442I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
23443 -- Steven Pearl
23444%
23445I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
23446 -- Joe Walsh
23447%
23448I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
23449 -- Florence Henderson
23450%
23451I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
23452 -- Phil Harris
23453%
23454I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
23455If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
23456I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
23457 Your Socks Outside-in
23458I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
23459Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
23460I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
23461I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
23462I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
23463 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
23464%
23465I can't mate in captivity.
23466 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
23467%
23468I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
23469It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
23470 -- Robert Benchley
23471%
23472I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
23473 -- Albert Anastasia
23474%
23475I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
23476forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
23477 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
23478 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
23479 Party Conference
23480%
23481I can't understand it.
23482I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
23483 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
23484%
23485I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
23486novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
23487 -- Fred Allen
23488%
23489I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
23490I'm frightened of the old ones.
23491 -- John Cage
23492%
23493I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
23494keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
23495up a child.
23496 -- Stephen Wright
23497%
23498I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
23499a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
23500 -- Michael Prichard
23501%
23502I consider a new device or technology to have been
23503culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
23504 -- M. Gallaher
23505%
23506I consider the day misspent that I am not
23507either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
23508 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
23509%
23510I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
23511dance with the cows till you come home.
23512 -- Groucho Marx
23513%
23514I could never learn to like her --
23515except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
23516 -- Mark Twain
23517%
23518I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
23519%
23520I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
23521time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
23522 -- Peter Oakley
23523%
23524I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
23525%
23526I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
23527I should have to believe in it in this one.
23528 -- Strange de Jim
23529%
23530I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
23531 -- Bart Simpson
23532%
23533I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
23534But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
23535 -- Rita Gain
23536%
23537I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
23538%
23539"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
23540%
23541I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
23542The curtain was up.
23543%
23544"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!"
23545 -- Zippy the Pinhead
23546%
23547I disagree with what you say, but will defend
23548to the death your right to tell such LIES!
23549%
23550I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
23551and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
23552unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
23553you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
23554 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23555%
23556I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
23557too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
23558 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23559%
23560I do desire we may be better strangers.
23561 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
23562%
23563I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
23564%
23565I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
23566exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
23567minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
23568accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
23569mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
23570bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
23571different.
23572 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
23573%
23574I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
23575Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
23576nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
23577 -- Thomas Paine
23578%
23579I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
23580quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
23581the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
23582and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
23583 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
23584 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
23585 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
23586 Cardinals backed down and played.
23587%
23588I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
23589 -- Isaac Asimov
23590%
23591I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
23592sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
23593 -- Galileo Galilei
23594%
23595I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
23596 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
23597%
23598I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
23599any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
23600comes nearest to it of any.
23601 -- Henry David Thoreau
23602%
23603I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
23604butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
23605 -- Chuang-tzu
23606%
23607I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
23608starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
23609reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
23610devote it to research in mathematics.
23611 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
23612%
23613I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
23614I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
23615tiresome.
23616 -- I Ching
23617%
23618I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
23619 -- Salvador Dali
23620%
23621"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
23622don't believe in astrology."
23623 -- James R. F. Quirk
23624%
23625I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
23626a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
23627numbers!!
23628%
23629I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
23630a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
23631 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
23632%
23633I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
23634run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
23635husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
23636 -- The Best of Will Rogers
23637%
23638I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
23639 -- Heard in Bethlehem
23640%
23641I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
23642 -- Calvin Trillin
23643%
23644"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
23645nominating"
23646 -- Boss Tweed
23647%
23648I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
23649deserve that either.
23650 -- Jack Benny
23651%
23652I don't do it for the money.
23653 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
23654%
23655I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
23656 -- K. Coates
23657%
23658I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
23659 -- Katherine Cebrian
23660%
23661I don't get no respect.
23662%
23663I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
23664I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
23665%
23666I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
23667 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
23668%
23669I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
23670highly trained certified public accountants.
23671 -- Elvis Presley
23672%
23673I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
23674hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
23675 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
23676%
23677I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
23678globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
23679 -- Bruce Baum
23680%
23681I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
23682 -- Elvis Presley
23683%
23684I don't know what Descartes' got,
23685But booze can do what Kant cannot.
23686 -- Mike Cross
23687%
23688I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
23689more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
23690 -- Abraham Lincoln
23691%
23692I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
23693 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
23694%
23695I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
23696%
23697I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
23698because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
23699 -- Clarence Darrow
23700%
23701I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
23702I don't trust him.
23703 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
23704 with Dutch Schultz.
23705
23706I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
23707trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
23708 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
23709 "Legs" Diamond.
23710%
23711I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
23712 -- Cash McCall
23713%
23714I don't mind arguing with myself.
23715It's when I lose that it bothers me.
23716 -- Richard Powers
23717%
23718"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
23719 -- Ronald Mabbitt
23720%
23721I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
23722streets and frighten the horses.
23723 -- Victor Hugo
23724%
23725I don't need no arms around me...
23726I don't need no drugs to calm me...
23727I have seen the writing on the wall.
23728Don't think I need anything at all.
23729No! Don't think I need anything at all!
23730All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23731All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23732 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
23733%
23734"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
23735%
23736I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
23737%
23738I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
23739he starts to practice law.
23740 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
23741 Attorney-General.
23742%
23743I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
23744fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
23745 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23746%
23747"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
23748%
23749I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
23750Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
23751 -- Richard Nixon, 1972
23752%
23753"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
23754to the sea and drown yourselves."
23755
23756"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
23757you human beings don't."
23758 -- James Thurber
23759%
23760I don't understand you anymore.
23761%
23762I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
23763But there will definitely be a party tonight...
23764%
23765I don't want a pickle,
23766I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
23767And I don't want to die,
23768I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
23769 -- Arlo Guthrie
23770%
23771I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
23772 -- Jean Anouilh
23773%
23774I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
23775I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
23776 -- Woody Allen
23777%
23778I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
23779the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
23780thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
23781broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
23782Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
23783their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
23784 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
23785 COMING!"
23786%
23787I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
23788%
23789I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
23790 -- Woody Allen
23791%
23792I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
23793%
23794I dote on his very absence.
23795 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
23796%
23797I doubt, therefore I might be.
23798%
23799"I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
23800on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
23801he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
23802becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
23803 -- George Bernard Shaw
23804%
23805I drink to make other people interesting.
23806 -- George Jean Nathan
23807%
23808I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
23809%
23810I enjoy the time that we spend together.
23811%
23812I exist, therefore I am paid.
23813%
23814I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
23815%
23816I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
23817%
23818I fell asleep reading a dull book,
23819and I dreamt that I was reading on,
23820so I woke up from sheer boredom.
23821%
23822I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
23823honest difference of opinion.
23824 - Isaac Asimov
23825%
23826I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
23827I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
23828 -- Steven Wright
23829%
23830I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
23831 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
23832 just shot.
23833%
23834"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
23835%
23836I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
23837 -- Augustus Caesar
23838%
23839"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
23840reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
23841 -- Gotama Buddha
23842%
23843I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
23844I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
23845I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
23846I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
23847
23848How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
23849How can there be a building, that has no floor?
23850How can there be a program, that has no end?
23851How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
23852
23853An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
23854A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
23855A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
23856I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
23857%
23858I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20
23859minutes of my life!
23860%
23861I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
23862 -- Mae West
23863%
23864I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
23865 -- Chauncey Depew
23866%
23867I get up each morning, gather my wits.
23868Pick up the paper, read the obits.
23869If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
23870So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
23871
23872Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
23873My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
23874But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
23875And think of the places my get-up has been.
23876 -- Pete Seeger
23877%
23878I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
23879 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
23880%
23881I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
23882 -- H. L. Mencken
23883%
23884I go the way that Providence dictates.
23885 -- Adolf Hitler
23886%
23887"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
23888pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
23889said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
23890opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
23891at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
23892with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
23893Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said
23894'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
23895The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
23896It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
23897attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
23898would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones,
23899I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
23900and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
23901called me again."
23902 -- Stephen Wright
23903%
23904I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
23905when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
23906farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
23907 -- Steven Wright
23908%
23909I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
23910wearing masks for.
23911 -- James Boren
23912%
23913I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
23914 -- Steven Wright
23915%
23916I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
23917theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
23918other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
23919stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
23920long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
23921$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
23922a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
23923 -- Steven Wright
23924%
23925I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
23926 -- Butch Cassidy
23927%
23928I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
23929and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
23930
23931No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
23932human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
23933you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
23934generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
23935puppet.
23936 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23937%
23938I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
23939was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
23940being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
23941 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23942%
23943I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
23944time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
23945win -- or even how you won.
23946 -- Cash McCall
23947%
23948I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
23949other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
23950 -- Hal Clement
23951%
23952I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
23953Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
23954one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
23955 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23956%
23957I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
23958 -- D. Cavett
23959%
23960I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
23961we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
23962 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23963%
23964I had a dream last night...
23965I dreamt about 1976.
23966I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
23967I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
23968Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
23969so I went back to sleep again.
23970 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
23971%
23972I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
23973depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
23974see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
23975through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
23976why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
23977dinner and I let it go.
23978 -- Winston Churchill
23979%
23980I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
23981in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
23982Beach."
23983 -- The Stunt Man
23984%
23985I had another dream the other day about government financial management
23986people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
23987had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
23988%
23989I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
23990and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
23991painting by Goya.
23992 -- Stravinsky
23993%
23994I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
23995people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
23996put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
23997power to make things different is a bitch.
23998 -- Miles Davis
23999%
24000I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
24001so I took his shoes.
24002 -- Dave Barry
24003%
24004I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
24005implement a PL/1 compiler.
24006 -- T. Cheatham
24007%
24008"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
24009Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
24010 -- Mary Lou Bax
24011%
24012I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
24013%
24014I hate babies. They're so human.
24015 -- H. H. Munro
24016%
24017I hate dying.
24018 -- Dave Johnson
24019%
24020I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
24021it's going to be up all night.
24022 -- Steven Wright
24023%
24024I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
24025and I know how bad I am.
24026 -- Samuel Johnson
24027%
24028I hate quotations.
24029 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
24030%
24031I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
24032there's nothing else to do.
24033 -- Lenny Bruce
24034%
24035I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
24036ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
24037 -- Willow
24038%
24039I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
24040open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
24041box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
24042it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
24043had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
24044of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
24045call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
24046doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
24047didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
24048 -- S. Wright
24049%
24050I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
24051Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
24052and just keeps on typing.
24053 -- Stephen Wright
24054%
24055I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
24056the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
24057sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
24058 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
24059%
24060I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
24061I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
24062I just... to make a long story short..."
24063 -- Stephen Wright
24064%
24065I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
24066 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
24067%
24068I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
24069I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
24070some of it.
24071 -- Steven Wright
24072%
24073I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
24074And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
24075He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
24076And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
24077
24078The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
24079Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
24080For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
24081And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
24082 -- Robert L. Stevenson
24083%
24084I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
24085I spent last summer folding it.
24086People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
24087 -- Steven Wright
24088%
24089I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
24090 -- Richard Diran
24091%
24092I have a simple philosophy:
24093
24094 Fill what's empty.
24095 Empty what's full.
24096 Scratch where it itches.
24097 -- A. R. Longworth
24098%
24099I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
24100in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
24101got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
24102 -- Steven Wright
24103%
24104I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
24105%
24106I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
24107but I can't prove it.
24108%
24109"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
24110any time!"
24111%
24112I have a very small mind and must live with it.
24113 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
24114%
24115I have a very strange feeling about this...
24116 -- Luke Skywalker
24117%
24118"I have accepted Provolone into my life!"
24119 -- Zippy the Pinhead
24120%
24121I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
24122sacrifice my wife's brother.
24123 -- Artemus Ward
24124%
24125I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
24126to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
24127 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
24128%
24129I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
24130 -- Steven Wright
24131%
24132I have become me without my consent.
24133%
24134I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
24135would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
24136 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
24137%
24138I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
24139cent an idiot.
24140 -- George Bernard Shaw
24141%
24142I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
24143to sit still in a room.
24144 -- Blaise Pascal
24145%
24146I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
24147I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
24148 -- Camillo Di Cavour
24149%
24150I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
24151to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
24152support of the woman I love.
24153 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
24154 of the British throne in order to marry the American
24155 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
24156%
24157I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
24158most of them are trash.
24159 -- Sigmund Freud
24160%
24161I have gained this by philosophy:
24162that I do without being commanded what others
24163do only from fear of the law.
24164 -- Aristotle
24165%
24166I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
24167 -- Edgar Allan Poe
24168%
24169I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
24170of a prostate operation.
24171 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
24172%
24173I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
24174 -- Plato
24175%
24176I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
24177I do believe that is a record.
24178 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
24179%
24180"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
24181sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
24182eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
24183have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
24184beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
24185guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
24186of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
24187 -- Harry S. Truman
24188%
24189I have learned silence from the talkative,
24190toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
24191 -- Kahlil Gibran
24192%
24193I have learned
24194To spell hors d'oeuvres
24195Which still grates on
24196Some people's n'oeuvres.
24197 -- Warren Knox
24198%
24199I have lots of things in my pockets;
24200None of them is worth anything.
24201Sociopolitical whines aside,
24202Gan you give me, gratis, free,
24203The price of half a gallon
24204Of Gallo extra bad
24205And most of the bus fare home.
24206%
24207I have made mistakes but I have never made the
24208mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
24209 -- James Gordon Bennett
24210%
24211I have made this letter longer than usual
24212because I lack the time to make it shorter.
24213 -- Blaise Pascal
24214%
24215I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
24216%
24217I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
24218____BODY!
24219 -- from "Cerebus" #82
24220%
24221I have never been one to sacrifice
24222my appetite on the altar of appearance.
24223 -- A. M. Readyhough
24224%
24225I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
24226 -- Mark Twain
24227%
24228I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
24229 -- Rob Pike, on X.
24230
24231Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
24232gone in two years. He was half right.
24233 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
24234
24235Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
24236 -- Jim Gettys
24237%
24238I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
24239already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
24240establishment.
24241 -- Alan Bennett
24242%
24243I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
24244in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
24245 -- Thoreau
24246%
24247I have no doubt the Devil grins,
24248As seas of ink I spatter.
24249Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
24250The other kind don't matter.
24251 -- Robert W. Service
24252%
24253I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
24254own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
24255of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
24256 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
24257%
24258I have not yet begun to byte!
24259%
24260I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
24261 -- George Wallace
24262%
24263I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
24264and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
24265be blockhead enough to have me.
24266 -- Abraham Lincoln
24267%
24268I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
24269 -- Jimmy Carter
24270%
24271I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
24272 -- Publilius Syrus
24273%
24274I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
24275Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
24276advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
24277for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
24278after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
24279of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
24280commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
24281the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
24282reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
24283 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
24284a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
24285execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
24286justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
24287venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
24288ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
24289made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
24290declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
24291 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
24292by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
24293advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
24294think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse
24295calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
24296In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
24297be economized by the aid of machinery.
24298 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
24299%
24300"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."
24301 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
24302%
24303I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
24304%
24305I have that old biological urge,
24306I have that old irresistible surge,
24307I'm hungry.
24308%
24309I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
24310 -- Oscar Wilde
24311%
24312"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
24313scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
24314 -- Steven Wright
24315%
24316"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
24317 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
24318%
24319I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
24320 -- Richard Burton
24321%
24322I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
24323the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
24324authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
24325 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
24326 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
24327 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
24328 science of data processing), c. 1957
24329%
24330"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
24331his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
24332beating up a child."
24333 -- Steven Wright
24334%
24335I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
24336 -- John D. Rockefeller
24337%
24338I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
24339at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
24340 -- Poul Anderson
24341%
24342I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
24343%
24344I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
24345%
24346I hear the sound that the machines make,
24347and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
24348%
24349I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
24350%
24351I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
24352interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
24353more than he knows.
24354 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
24355%
24356I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
24357 -- Thomas Jefferson
24358%
24359I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
24360I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
24361My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
24362But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
24363
24364The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
24365For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
24366I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
24367So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
24368
24369 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
24370%
24371I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
24372secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
24373%
24374I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
24375 -- Raoul Duke
24376%
24377I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
24378I think I saw God.
24379 -- B. Hathrume Duk
24380%
24381I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
24382%
24383I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
24384He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
24385and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
24386ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
24387 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
24388%
24389I just got out of the hospital after a
24390speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
24391 -- S. Wright
24392%
24393I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
24394 -- Casey Stengel
24395%
24396I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
24397 -- Bill Hoest
24398%
24399"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
24400"Did you ever see a doctor?"
24401"No, just spots."
24402%
24403I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
24404I haven't had time for tobacco since.
24405 -- Arturo Toscanini
24406%
24407I knew her before she was a virgin.
24408 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
24409%
24410I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
24411If I could just remember what it was.
24412%
24413I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
24414take one along that worked.
24415 -- Raymond Chandler
24416%
24417I know if you been talkin' you done said
24418just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
24419You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
24420and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
24421But don't you get square!
24422There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
24423They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
24424%
24425I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
24426%
24427I know not how I came into this,
24428shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
24429 -- St. Augustine
24430%
24431I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
24432World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
24433 -- Albert Einstein
24434%
24435I know on which side my bread is buttered.
24436 -- John Heywood
24437%
24438I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
24439The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
24440 -- Charles Schulz
24441%
24442I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
24443you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
24444 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
24445%
24446I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
24447custody means. Get even with your old lady.
24448 -- Lenny Bruce
24449%
24450"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
24451Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
24452myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
24453world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
24454one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"
24455 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
24456%
24457I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
24458but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
24459it means.
24460%
24461I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
24462but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
24463%
24464I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
24465%
24466I lately lost a preposition;
24467It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
24468And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
24469Up from out of under there."
24470
24471Correctness is my vade mecum,
24472And straggling phrases I abhor,
24473And yet I wondered, "What should he come
24474Up from out of under for?"
24475 -- Morris Bishop
24476%
24477I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
24478Waitin' for the double E.
24479The railroad don't run no more.
24480Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
24481 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
24482 These young girls won't let me be,
24483 Lord have mercy on me!
24484 Woe is me!
24485
24486Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
24487Well, I ain't naming names.
24488But she really worked me over good,
24489She was just like Jesse James.
24490She really worked me over good,
24491She was a credit to her gender.
24492She put me through some changes, boy,
24493Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
24494
24495I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
24496She asked me if I'd beat her.
24497She took me back to the Hyatt House,
24498I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
24499 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
24500%
24501I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
24502didn't is just lyin'!
24503 -- Willie Nelson
24504%
24505I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
24506 -- Art Leo
24507%
24508I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
24509that kidnapped Europa.
24510 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
24511%
24512I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
24513promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
24514peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
24515the way and let them have it.
24516 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
24517%
24518"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
24519%
24520I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
24521%
24522I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
24523 -- Tom McGuane
24524%
24525I like your game but we have to change the rules.
24526%
24527I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
24528%
24529I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
24530to bite people themselves.
24531 -- August Strindberg
24532%
24533I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
24534I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
24535 -- Art Buchwald
24536%
24537I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
24538person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
24539 -- Rita Rudner
24540%
24541I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
24542someone takes them away.
24543 -- Nancy Mitford
24544%
24545I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
24546It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
24547%
24548I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
24549 -- Schulz
24550%
24551I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
24552 -- Walt Disney
24553%
24554"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
24555entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
24556 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
24557%
24558I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
24559 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
24560%
24561"I love to eat them Smurfies
24562 Smurfies what I love to eat
24563 Bite they ugly heads off,
24564 Nibble on they bluish feet."
24565%
24566I love treason but hate a traitor.
24567 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
24568%
24569I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
24570 -- Elvis Costello
24571%
24572I love you, not only for what you are,
24573but for what I am when I am with you.
24574 -- Roy Croft
24575%
24576I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
24577commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
24578irresistible.
24579 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
24580%
24581I married beneath me. All women do.
24582 -- Lady Nancy Astor
24583%
24584"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
24585don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
24586speed of light."
24587 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
24588%
24589I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
24590%
24591I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
24592 -- Doctor Graper
24593%
24594I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
24595 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
24596%
24597I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
24598 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
24599%
24600I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
24601clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
24602 -- Steven Wright
24603%
24604I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
24605congressman.
24606 -- Will Rogers
24607%
24608I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
24609I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
24610 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
24611%
24612I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
24613 -- Alexander Woolcott
24614%
24615I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
24616week sometimes to make it up.
24617 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
24618%
24619I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
24620%
24621I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
24622and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
24623-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
24624we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
24625feet for the base.
24626
24627And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
24628sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
24629m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
24630roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
24631sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
24632
24633Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
24634area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
24635crowding.
24636 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
24637%
24638I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
24639 -- Fratianno
24640%
24641I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
24642legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
24643way.
24644 -- Jay Gould
24645%
24646I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
24647something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
24648 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
24649%
24650I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
24651 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
24652 Royal Family
24653%
24654I never did it that way before.
24655%
24656I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
24657places they do today.
24658 -- Will Rogers
24659%
24660I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
24661could do was to go away.
24662%
24663I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
24664 -- Groucho Marx
24665%
24666I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
24667 -- Mickey Cohen
24668%
24669I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
24670 -- Mae West
24671%
24672I never made a mistake in my life.
24673I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
24674 -- Lucy Van Pelt
24675%
24676I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
24677 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
24678%
24679I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
24680%
24681I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
24682%
24683I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
24684what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
24685%
24686I never saw a purple cow
24687I never hope to see one
24688But I can tell you anyhow
24689I'd rather see than be one.
24690 -- Gellett Burgess
24691
24692I've never seen a purple cow
24693I never hope to see one
24694But from the milk we're getting now
24695There certainly must be one
24696 -- Odgen Nash
24697
24698Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
24699I'm sorry now I wrote it
24700But I can tell you anyhow
24701I'll kill you if you quote it.
24702 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
24703%
24704I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
24705%
24706I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
24707 -- W.C. Fields
24708%
24709I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
24710 -- George Bernard Shaw
24711%
24712I only know what I read in the papers.
24713 -- Will Rogers
24714%
24715"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
24716 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
24717%
24718I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
24719letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
24720words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
24721resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
24722then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
24723that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
24724a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
24725 -- Letters From Colette
24726%
24727I owe, I owe,
24728It's off to work I go...
24729%
24730I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
24731toilet seat.
24732 -- Michael McShane
24733%
24734I owe the public nothing.
24735 -- J. P. Morgan
24736%
24737I own my own body, but I share.
24738%
24739I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
24740the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
24741not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
24742must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
24743in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
24744wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
24745will be happy.
24746 -- Thomas Jefferson
24747%
24748"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
24749kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
24750substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
24751restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
24752made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
24753powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
24754nerve disease."
24755 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
24756%
24757I pledge allegiance to the flag
24758of the United States of America
24759and to the republic for which it stands,
24760one nation,
24761indivisible,
24762with liberty
24763and justice for all.
24764 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
24765%
24766I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
24767 -- S. Wright
24768%
24769I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
24770%
24771I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
24772 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
24773%
24774I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
24775 -- Cicero
24776
24777Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
24778 -- Poor Richard
24779%
24780I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
24781 -- William F. Buckley
24782%
24783I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
24784on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
24785 -- Stephen Wright
24786%
24787I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
24788 -- Stephen Wright
24789%
24790I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
24791tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
24792they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
24793crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
24794These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
24795aspire to crudeness.
24796 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
24797%
24798I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
24799 -- Neil Armstrong
24800%
24801I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
24802parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
24803motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
24804 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
24805 "What's it about?"
24806 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
24807 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
24808 -- Ian Shoales
24809%
24810I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
24811To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
24812%
24813I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
24814 -- Aneurin Bevan
24815%
24816I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
24817the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
24818congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
24819so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
24820plumber.
24821
24822But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
24823as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
24824the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
24825win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
24826write about, such as nose-picking.
24827 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
24828 Political Fallout"
24829%
24830I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
24831Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
24832trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
24833go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
24834that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
24835 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
24836%
24837I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
24838 -- Marilyn Chambers
24839%
24840I really hate this damned machine
24841I wish that they would sell it.
24842It never does quite what I want
24843But only what I tell it.
24844%
24845I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
24846who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
24847something of what has been passing in their time.
24848 -- Harry S. Truman
24849%
24850I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
24851wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
24852flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
24853Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
24854"Cut it out."
24855 -- Stephen Wright
24856%
24857I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
24858reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
24859I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
24860 -- Stephen King
24861%
24862I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
24863believing that some men are my equals.
24864 -- Brigid Brophy
24865%
24866I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
24867%
24868I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
24869morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
24870the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
24871invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
24872the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
24873asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
24874"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
24875that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
24876 -- Alistair Cooke
24877%
24878I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
24879to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
24880and didn't come back for 20 years.
24881%
24882I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
24883kind of loophole.
24884 -- Leo Kessler
24885%
24886I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
24887looks like I'm the only one moving.
24888 -- Steven Wright
24889%
24890I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
24891 -- Wilson Mizner
24892%
24893I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
24894woman should marry -- and no man.
24895 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
24896%
24897I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
24898England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
24899raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
24900New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
24901countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
24902if they don't get it.
24903 -- Mark Twain
24904%
24905"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
24906He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
24907I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
24908And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
24909 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
24910%
24911I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
24912and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
24913%
24914I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
24915'Round and round they sped.
24916I was disturbed at this,
24917I accosted the man,
24918"It is futile," I said.
24919"You can never--"
24920"You lie!" He cried,
24921and ran on.
24922 -- Stephen Crane
24923%
24924I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
24925 -- Stephen Wright
24926%
24927I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
24928never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
24929deserve a series?"
24930%
24931I saw what you did and I know who you are.
24932%
24933I see a bad moon rising.
24934I see trouble on the way.
24935I see earthquakes and lightnin'
24936I see bad times today.
24937Don't go 'round tonight,
24938It's bound to take your life.
24939There's a bad moon on the rise.
24940 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
24941%
24942I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
24943they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
24944 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24945%
24946I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
24947I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
24948Bernoulli would have been content to die
24949Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!
24950 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
24951%
24952I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
24953the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
24954us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
24955 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24956%
24957I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
24958I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
24959The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
24960They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
24961The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
24962"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
24963I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
24964It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
24965But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
24966"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
24967 knocked,
24968I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
24969"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
24970
24971 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
24972 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
24973%
24974I sent a message to another time,
24975But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
24976I sent a message to another plane,
24977Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
24978...
24979I met someone who looks at lot like you,
24980She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
24981She's only programmed to be very nice,
24982But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
24983She tells me that she likes me very much,
24984But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
24985...
24986I realize that it must seem so strange,
24987That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
24988She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
24989She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
24990 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
24991%
24992I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
24993a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
24994in his veins.
24995 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
24996%
24997I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
24998it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
24999he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
25000that matters, but victory.
25001 -- Adolf Hitler
25002%
25003I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
25004 -- graffito in Los Angeles
25005
25006On a clear day,
25007U.C.L.A.
25008 -- graffito in San Francisco
25009
25010There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
25011lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
25012 -- Robert Orben
25013%
25014I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
25015most western countries.
25016 -- George Burns
25017%
25018I smell a wumpus.
25019%
25020I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
25021Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
25022 -- Woody Allen
25023%
25024I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
25025ability.
25026 -- Oscar Wilde
25027%
25028I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
25029 -- Stephen Wright
25030%
25031I steal.
25032 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
25033
25034Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
25035 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
25036%
25037I stick my neck out for nobody.
25038 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
25039%
25040I stood on the leading edge,
25041The eastern seaboard at my feet.
25042"Jump!" said Yoko Ono
25043I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
25044Go on and give it a try,
25045Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
25046 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
25047%
25048I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
25049see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
25050 -- Shirley Temple
25051%
25052I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
25053 -- CP30
25054%
25055I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
25056too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
25057direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
25058much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
25059tub to face is up.
25060 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
25061%
25062I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
25063Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
25064Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
25065That needs a helping hand,
25066Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
25067 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
25068%
25069I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25070country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25071I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25072are worth considering, to wit:
25073
25074[110.13]:
25075 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
25076 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
25077
25078[22.17b]:
25079 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
25080 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
25081 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
25082 on the highway."
25083
25084[41.16]:
25085 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
25086 asking for it."
25087%
25088I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25089country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25090I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25091are worth considering, to wit:
25092
25093[131.16d]:
25094 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
25095 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
25096 a U-turn on a divided highway."
25097
25098[96.7b]:
25099 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
25100 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
25101 traveling more than 60 MPH."
25102
25103[110.13]:
25104 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
25105 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
25106%
25107I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25108country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25109I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25110are worth considering, to wit:
25111
25112[173.15b]:
25113 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
25114 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
25115
25116[141.2a]:
25117 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
25118 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
25119 a 5' parking space."
25120
25121[105.31]:
25122 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
25123 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
25124%
25125I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
25126thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
25127%
25128"I suppose you expect me to talk."
25129"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
25130 -- Goldfinger
25131%
25132I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
25133is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
25134 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
25135%
25136I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
25137pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
25138munchies, and ate the other half.
25139
25140Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
25141bottle stuck up my nose.
25142 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25143%
25144I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
25145and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
25146
25147Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
25148fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
25149"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
25150 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25151%
25152I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
25153the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
25154I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
25155 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25156%
25157I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
25158 -- Escher
25159%
25160I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
25161or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
25162 -- Woody Allen
25163%
25164I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
25165being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
25166sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
25167that I am!
25168 -- Monty Python
25169%
25170"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
25171"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
25172 -- The Life of Brian
25173%
25174I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
25175 -- Shakespeare
25176%
25177I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
25178paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
25179%
25180"I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3
25181because I couldn't remember the proof."
25182 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
25183%
25184I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
25185 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25186%
25187"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
25188%
25189I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
25190desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
25191 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
25192%
25193I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
25194and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
25195country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
25196in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
25197not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
25198 -- Monty Python
25199%
25200I think that I shall never hear
25201A poem lovelier than beer.
25202The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
25203With golden base and snowy cap.
25204The stuff that I can drink all day
25205Until my mem'ry melts away.
25206Poems are made by fools, I fear
25207But only Schlitz can make a beer.
25208%
25209I think that I shall never see
25210A billboard lovely as a tree.
25211Indeed, unless the billboards fall
25212I'll never see a tree at all.
25213 -- Nash
25214%
25215I think that I shall never see
25216A billboard lovely as a tree.
25217Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
25218I'll never see a tree at all.
25219 -- Ogden Nash
25220%
25221I think that I shall never see
25222A thing as lovely as a tree.
25223But as you see the trees have gone
25224They went this morning with the dawn.
25225A logging firm from out of town
25226Came and chopped the trees all down.
25227But I will trick those dirty skunks
25228And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
25229%
25230"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
25231to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
25232farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
25233into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
25234the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
25235off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
25236color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
25237out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
25238singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
25239 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
25240%
25241I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
25242remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
25243 -- Chick
25244%
25245I think the world is run by C students.
25246 -- Al McGuire
25247%
25248I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
25249could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
25250 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
25251%
25252I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
25253I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
25254say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
25255effect."
25256 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25257%
25258I think, therefore I am... I think.
25259%
25260I think there's a world market for about five computers.
25261 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
25262%
25263I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
25264paneling.
25265 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25266%
25267I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
25268 -- T. S. Eliot
25269%
25270I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
25271... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
25272we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
25273When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
25274are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
25275driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
25276Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
25277were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
25278conversation ...
25279 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
25280%
25281I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
25282 -- Firesign Theatre
25283%
25284I think we're in trouble.
25285 -- Han Solo
25286%
25287I think your opinions are reasonable,
25288except for the one about my mental instability.
25289 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
25290%
25291"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
25292"As a programmer, yes," she replied,
25293"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
25294"You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
25295Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
25296They had so much in common, you'd say.
25297They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
25298And prompts that were cute or risque'.
25299He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
25300She sent one from some past high school day,
25301And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
25302If they hadn't met in L.A.
25303"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
25304He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
25305And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
25306If you were not so totally weird!"
25307If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
25308And he had not done just the same,
25309They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
25310And would not have had fun with the game.
25311 -- Judith Schrier,
25312 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail"
25313%
25314I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
25315working for scale.
25316 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
25317%
25318I thought YOU silenced the guard!
25319%
25320"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
25321"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
25322%
25323I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
25324of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
25325It's about Russia.
25326 -- Woody Allen
25327%
25328I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
25329desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
25330the quest.
25331 -- Madeleine Gobeil
25332%
25333I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
25334constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
25335and drown myself in the noise.
25336 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
25337%
25338I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
25339 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
25340%
25341I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
25342 -- Bill Veeck
25343%
25344I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
25345 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
25346%
25347I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
25348The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
25349degrees today," and I said "Oops."
25350
25351In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
25352I never have to go upstairs.
25353
25354I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
25355front of it in only eight minutes.
25356 -- Stephen Wright
25357%
25358I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
25359 -- Carole Wallach.
25360%
25361I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
25362 -- Woodrow Wilson
25363%
25364I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
25365 -- Nam June Paik
25366%
25367I used to be a rebel in my youth.
25368This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
25369Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
25370problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
25371a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
25372I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
25373I feel these days.
25374 -- J. Feiffer
25375%
25376I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
25377%
25378I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
25379 -- Elvis Costello
25380%
25381I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
25382 -- Mae West
25383%
25384I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
25385I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
25386I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
25387With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
25388And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
25389 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
25390 No more, Mr. Clean,
25391 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
25392They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
25393
25394My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
25395Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
25396I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
25397The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
25398And punched me in the nose, he said,
25399(chorus)
25400He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
25401 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
25402%
25403I used to have a drinking problem.
25404Now I love the stuff.
25405%
25406I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
25407to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
25408
25409I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
25410like I'm the only one moving.
25411
25412I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
25413the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
25414to be out that long."
25415
25416I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now
25417my car goes 500 miles an hour.
25418 -- Stephen Wright
25419%
25420I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
25421I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
25422more mature than I am.
25423%
25424I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
25425%
25426I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
25427foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
25428loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
25429 -- Rita Mae Brown
25430%
25431I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
25432my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
25433 -- Emo Phillips
25434%
25435I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
25436the place.
25437 -- Steven Wright
25438%
25439I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
25440don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
25441with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
25442the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
25443in the summer.
25444 -- Brendan Behan
25445%
25446I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
25447%
25448I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
25449 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
25450%
25451"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
25452Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
25453HAW"!!'"
25454 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
25455%
25456I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
25457 -- Zippy the Pinhead
25458%
25459I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
25460 -- Freud
25461%
25462I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
25463%
25464I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
25465endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
25466pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
25467bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
25468excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
25469critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
25470the earth.
25471 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
25472%
25473I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
25474ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
25475 -- Steven Wright
25476%
25477I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
25478anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
25479a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
25480up.
25481 -- Will Rogers
25482%
25483I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
25484Trouble I love and peace I despise
25485Wild horses kicked me in my side
25486Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
25487 -- Bo Diddley
25488%
25489"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
25490put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
25491what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
25492should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
25493get off my driveway."
25494 -- Steven Wright
25495%
25496I was eatin' some chop suey,
25497With a lady in St. Louie,
25498When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
25499And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
25500Roll this rocker out some money,
25501Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
25502 -- Mr. Miggle
25503%
25504I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
25505I said I didn't know.
25506 -- Mark Twain
25507%
25508I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
25509around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
25510I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
25511She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
25512chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
25513you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
25514that all the time..."
25515 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
25516%
25517I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in
25518the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
25519 -- Phyllis Diller
25520%
25521I was in accord with the system so long as it
25522permitted me to function effectively.
25523 -- Albert Speer
25524%
25525I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
25526these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
25527kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
25528I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
25529avoiding the beach.
25530 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
25531%
25532I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
25533lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
25534 -- Steven Wright
25535%
25536I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
25537anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
25538breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really
25539gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
25540works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
25541Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
25542for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
25543two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
25544was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
25545I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
25546 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
25547%
25548I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
25549their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
25550buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
25551 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
25552%
25553I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
25554full house and four people died.
25555 -- Steven Wright
25556%
25557I was the best I ever had.
25558 -- Woody Allen
25559%
25560I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
25561 -- Billy Braver
25562%
25563I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
25564desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
25565because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
25566me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
25567took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
25568%
25569I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
25570 -- Chico Marx
25571%
25572I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
25573in the room alone.
25574%
25575I went home with a waitress,
25576The way I always do.
25577How I was I to know?
25578She was with the Russians too.
25579
25580I was gambling in Havana,
25581I took a little risk.
25582Send lawyers, guns, and money,
25583Dad, get me out of this.
25584 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
25585%
25586"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything
25587specific".
25588 -- Steven Wright
25589%
25590I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
25591If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
25592It's the truth.
25593 -- Charlie Chaplin
25594%
25595I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
25596expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
25597stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
25598the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
25599to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
25600answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
25601showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
25602an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
25603program to the point where it would not run at all.
25604 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
25605 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
25606%
25607I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
25608I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
25609He said "Nothin'."
25610Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
25611As if you just squashed a cop.
25612 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
25613%
25614I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
25615Great song.
25616 -- Fred Reuss
25617%
25618"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
25619questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
25620speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
25621
25622He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
25623for him then.
25624 -- Steven Wright
25625%
25626I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered
25627French toast during the Renaissance.
25628 -- Stephen Wright
25629%
25630I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
25631So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
25632 -- Steven Wright
25633%
25634I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
25635years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
25636would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
25637all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
25638
25639Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
25640been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
25641
25642There was a computer in every doorknob.
25643 -- Danny Hillis
25644%
25645I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
25646I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
25647of a robber.
25648 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
25649%
25650"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
25651the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
25652included."
25653 -- Steven Wright
25654%
25655"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
25656statues that are in all the other museums."
25657 -- Steven Wright
25658%
25659I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
25660it took seven others to beat him!
25661%
25662I will always love the false image I had of you.
25663%
25664I will follow the good side right to the fire,
25665but not into it if I can help it.
25666 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
25667%
25668I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
25669year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
25670Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
25671the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
25672writing on this stone!
25673 -- Charles Dickens
25674%
25675I will make you shorter by the head.
25676 -- Elizabeth I
25677%
25678I will never lie to you.
25679%
25680I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
25681%
25682I will not drink!
25683But if I do...
25684I will not get drunk!
25685But if I do...
25686I will not in public!
25687But if I do...
25688I will not fall down!
25689But if I do...
25690I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
25691%
25692I will not forget you.
25693%
25694I will not play at tug o' war.
25695I'd rather play at hug o' war,
25696Where everyone hugs
25697Instead of tugs,
25698Where everyone giggles
25699And rolls on the rug,
25700Where everyone kisses,
25701And everyone grins,
25702And everyone cuddles,
25703And everyone wins.
25704 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
25705%
25706I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
25707one every day.
25708 -- Heine
25709%
25710I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
25711we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
25712 -- Jack Handey
25713%
25714I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
25715and Superman away.
25716 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25717%
25718I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
25719intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
25720seem to work.
25721 -- Gallagher
25722%
25723I wish you humans would leave me alone.
25724%
25725I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
25726%
25727I woke up a feelin' mean
25728went down to play the slot machine
25729the wheels turned round,
25730and the letters read
25731"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
25732 -- Grateful Dead
25733%
25734I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
25735had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
25736"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
25737replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
25738 -- Steven Wright
25739%
25740"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
25741know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
25742be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
25743I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
25744 -- Bastian B. Bux
25745%
25746I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
25747 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
25748%
25749I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
25750"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
25751 -- Steven Wright
25752%
25753I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
25754but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
25755because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
25756after we've been home a long while.
25757 -- Casey Stengel
25758%
25759I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
25760only they won't let me raise my voice.
25761 -- Winkle
25762%
25763I would have made a good pope.
25764 -- Richard Nixon
25765%
25766I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
25767gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
25768missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
25769 -- Oliver North
25770%
25771I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
25772of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
25773image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
25774forget or do not know.
25775 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
25776
25777 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
25778 referring to image activation and termination.]
25779%
25780I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
25781understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
25782our tasks will be solved.
25783 -- Warren G. Harding
25784%
25785I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
25786with income tax policies.
25787 -- William F. Buckley
25788%
25789I would like to know
25790What I was fencing in
25791And what I was fencing out.
25792 -- Robert Frost
25793%
25794I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going
25795to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind.
25796In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
25797 -- Frank Zappa
25798%
25799I would much rather have men ask why
25800I have no statue, than why I have one.
25801 -- Marcus Procius Cato
25802%
25803I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
25804they're being taped.
25805 -- Richard Nixon
25806
25807I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
25808 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
25809%
25810I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
25811and be above ground than reign among the dead.
25812 -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
25813%
25814I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
25815sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
25816%
25817I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
25818%
25819I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
25820%
25821I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
25822for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
25823 -- Hunter S. Thompson
25824%
25825I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
25826them scream.
25827 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
25828 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
25829%
25830Iam
25831not
25832very
25833happy
25834acting
25835pleased
25836whenever
25837prominent
25838scientists
25839overmagnify
25840intellectual
25841enlightenment
25842%
25843IBM:
25844 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
25845 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
25846 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
25847 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
25848 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
25849 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
25850%
25851IBM:
25852 I've Been Moved
25853 Idiots Become Managers
25854 Idiots Buy More
25855 Impossible to Buy Machine
25856 Incredibly Big Machine
25857 Industry's Biggest Mistake
25858 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
25859 It Boggles the Mind
25860 It's Better Manually
25861 Itty-Bitty Machines
25862%
25863IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
25864who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
25865 -- with regrets to D. Adams
25866%
25867IBM had a PL/I,
25868Its syntax worse than JOSS;
25869And everywhere this language went,
25870It was a total loss.
25871%
25872IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
25873%
25874IBM Pollyanna Principle:
25875 Machines should work. People should think.
25876%
25877IBM's original motto:
25878 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
25879%
25880I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
25881 -- John Denver
25882
25883[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
25884%
25885I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
25886%
25887I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
25888 -- Groucho Marx
25889%
25890I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
25891 -- Princess Leia Organa
25892%
25893I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
25894above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
25895feel it.
25896 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25897%
25898I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
25899%
25900I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
25901whole field to private industry.
25902 -- Joseph Heller
25903%
25904"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
25905to undo it."
25906%
25907"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
25908%
25909"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
25910snore."
25911%
25912"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
25913`Y.'"
25914%
25915"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
25916blender."
25917%
25918"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
25919garage door."
25920%
25921"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
25922Julian to Gregorian."
25923%
25924"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
25925static cling."
25926%
25927"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
25928%
25929"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
25930cottage cheese sculpture."
25931%
25932"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
25933%
25934"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
25935%
25936"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
25937transplant."
25938%
25939"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
25940%
25941"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
25942came back."
25943%
25944"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
25945tuned."
25946%
25947"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
25948need worrying about."
25949%
25950I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
25951 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
25952%
25953I'd never cry if I did find
25954 A blue whale in my soup...
25955Nor would I mind a porcupine
25956 Inside a chicken coop.
25957Yes life is fine when things combine,
25958 Like ham in beef chow mein...
25959But lord, this time I think I mind,
25960 They've put acid in my rain.
25961 --- Milo Bloom
25962%
25963I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
25964 -- Groucho Marx
25965%
25966I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
25967Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
25968 -- Brenda Starr
25969%
25970I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
25971%
25972"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
25973%
25974I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
25975 -- Fred Allen
25976
25977[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
25978%
25979I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
25980 -- W.C. Fields
25981%
25982I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
25983%
25984I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
25985Than cry with the saints,
25986The sinners are much more fun!
25987 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
25988%
25989I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
25990%
25991Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
25992solitary confinement.
25993%
25994Identify your visitor.
25995%
25996Idiot Box, n.:
25997 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
25998stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
25999 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
26000%
26001Idiot, n.:
26002 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
26003affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
26004 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
26005%
26006IDLENESS:
26007 Leisure gone to seed.
26008%
26009Idleness is the holiday of fools.
26010%
26011"If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick
26012and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your
26013shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this",
26014well that would be enough immortality for me."
26015 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
26016%
26017If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
26018 -- Roy Santoro
26019%
26020If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
26021at about 30 miles/second.
26022 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
26023%
26024"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
26025 -- Paul White
26026%
26027If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
26028is a camel's behind.
26029 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
26030%
26031If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
26032%
26033If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
26034work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
26035%
26036If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y
26037is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut.
26038 -- Albert Einstein
26039%
26040If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
26041 -- William Blake
26042%
26043If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
26044there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
26045 -- T. Cheatham
26046%
26047If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
26048really a guru at all?
26049 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
26050%
26051If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
26052is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
26053 -- Joseph C. Goulden
26054%
26055IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
26056is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
26057to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
26058 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
26059%
26060If a listener nods his head when you're
26061explaining your program, wake him up.
26062%
26063If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
26064 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
26065%
26066If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
26067 -- Thomas Wolfe
26068%
26069If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
26070If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
26071%
26072If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
26073he will lose his reverence for all of life.
26074 -- Albert Schweitzer
26075%
26076If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
26077separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
26078it might well prolong his life.
26079 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
26080%
26081If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
26082... it expects what never was and never will be.
26083 -- Thomas Jefferson
26084%
26085If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
26086and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
26087will lose that, too.
26088 -- W. Somerset Maugham
26089%
26090If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
26091and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
26092convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
26093 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
26094%
26095If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
26096%
26097If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
26098The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
26099in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
26100gravity supersedes the law of golf.
26101 -- Donald A. Metz
26102%
26103If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
26104love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
26105 -- Saint Augustine
26106%
26107If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
26108is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
26109only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
26110%
26111If a system is administered wisely,
26112its users will be content.
26113They enjoy hacking their code
26114and don't waste time implementing
26115labor-saving shell scripts.
26116Since they dearly love their accounts,
26117they aren't interested in other machines.
26118There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
26119but these don't access any hosts.
26120There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
26121but nobody ever uses them.
26122People enjoy reading their mail,
26123take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
26124spend weekends working at their terminals,
26125delight in the doings at the site.
26126And even though the next system is so close
26127that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
26128they are content to die of old age
26129without ever having gone to see it.
26130%
26131If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
26132If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
26133game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
26134course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
26135goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
26136 -- Sparky Anderson
26137%
26138If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
26139 -- G. K. Chesterton
26140%
26141If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
26142 -- W.C. Fields
26143%
26144If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
26145%
26146If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
26147to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
26148that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
26149 -- Rob Stampfli
26150%
26151If all be true that I do think,
26152There be five reasons why one should drink;
26153Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
26154Or lest we should be by-and-by,
26155Or any other reason why.
26156%
26157If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
26158 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
26159%
26160If all else fails, lower your standards.
26161%
26162If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
26163%
26164If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
26165platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
26166that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
26167%
26168If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
26169wouldn't be a bit surprised.
26170 -- Dorothy Parker
26171%
26172If all the seas were ink,
26173And all the reeds were pens,
26174And all the skies were parchment,
26175And all the men could write,
26176These would not suffice
26177To write down all the red tape
26178Of this Government.
26179%
26180If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
26181 -- Paul Beatty
26182%
26183If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
26184we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
26185 -- William Baumol
26186%
26187If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
26188and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
26189not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
26190camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even
26191responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
26192collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
26193have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
26194 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
26195 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
26196%
26197If an S and an I and an O and a U
26198With an X at the end spell Su;
26199And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
26200Pray what is a speller to do?
26201Then, if also an S and an I and a G
26202And an HED spell side,
26203There's nothing much left for a speller to do
26204But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
26205 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
26206%
26207If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
26208car he ever lays down in front of.
26209 -- George Wallace
26210%
26211If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
26212let him become president of Harvard.
26213 -- Edward Holyoke
26214%
26215If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
26216We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
26217blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
26218tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
26219%
26220If anything can go wrong, it will.
26221%
26222If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
26223%
26224If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26225%
26226If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
26227%
26228If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
26229%
26230If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
26231%
26232If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit.
26233No use being a damn fool about it.
26234%
26235If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26236 -- W. E. Hickson
26237%
26238If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26239Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
26240 -- W.C. Fields
26241
26242[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
26243%
26244If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
26245%
26246If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
26247 -- Leonard Levinson
26248%
26249If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
26250%
26251If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
26252identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
26253collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
26254I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
26255plentiful as blackberries.
26256 -- Leslie Stephen
26257%
26258If bankers can count, how come they have
26259eight windows and only four tellers?
26260%
26261If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
26262some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
26263 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
26264%
26265If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
26266but illegal purposes.
26267 -- J. Edgar Hoover
26268%
26269If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
26270%
26271If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
26272 -- William Blake
26273%
26274If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
26275Watt's office.
26276 -- Wayne Shannon
26277%
26278If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
26279%
26280If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
26281serve us right.
26282 -- Alistair Cooke
26283%
26284If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
26285%
26286If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
26287deserve to have any.
26288 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in
26289 a driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon
26290 his conviction for sodomy.
26291%
26292If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
26293%
26294If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
26295there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
26296is a fraud.
26297 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
26298%
26299If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
26300do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
26301no middleman.
26302 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
26303%
26304If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
26305him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
26306 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
26307%
26308If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
26309around a deal faster.
26310 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
26311%
26312If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
26313%
26314If everything on the road of life seems to
26315be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
26316%
26317If everything seems to be going well,
26318you have obviously overlooked something.
26319%
26320If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
26321 -- Bertrand Russell
26322%
26323If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
26324%
26325If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
26326is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
26327exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
26328after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
26329exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
26330can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
26331 -- Bill Boquist
26332%
26333If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
26334 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
26335%
26336If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
26337to a can.
26338%
26339If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
26340%
26341If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
26342%
26343If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
26344%
26345If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus
26346would have only had ten disciples.
26347%
26348If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
26349%
26350If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
26351%
26352If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
26353%
26354If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
26355we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
26356%
26357If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
26358%
26359If God had not given us sticky tape,
26360it would have been necessary to invent it.
26361%
26362If God had really intended men to fly,
26363he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
26364 -- George Winters
26365%
26366If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
26367have made them cute and furry.
26368 -- Dave Barry
26369%
26370If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
26371only ten apostles.
26372%
26373If God had wanted you to go around nude,
26374He would have given you bigger hands.
26375%
26376If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
26377He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
26378%
26379If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
26380%
26381If God is One, what is bad?
26382 -- Charles Manson
26383%
26384If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
26385%
26386If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
26387 -- Yiddish saying
26388%
26389If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
26390 -- Marvin Kitman
26391%
26392If God wanted us to have a President,
26393He would have sent us a candidate.
26394 -- Jerry Dreshfield
26395%
26396If graphics hackers are so smart,
26397why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
26398%
26399If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
26400%
26401If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
26402 -- Chinese proverb
26403%
26404If he had only learnt a little less, how
26405infinitely better he might have taught much more!
26406%
26407If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
26408and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
26409think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
26410 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
26411%
26412If he should ever change his faith,
26413it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
26414%
26415"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
26416replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
26417%
26418If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
26419 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
26420%
26421If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
26422 -- Samuel Goldwyn
26423%
26424If I could read your mind, love,
26425What a tale your thoughts could tell,
26426Just like a paperback novel,
26427The kind the drugstore sells,
26428When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
26429The hero would be me,
26430Heroes often fail,
26431You won't read that book again, because
26432 the ending is just too hard to take.
26433
26434I walk away, like a movie star,
26435Who gets burned in a three way script,
26436Enter number two,
26437A movie queen to play the scene
26438Of bringing all the good things out in me,
26439But for now, love, let's be real
26440I never thought I could act this way,
26441And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
26442I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
26443And I just can't get it back...
26444 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
26445%
26446If I could stick my pen in my heart,
26447I would spill it all over the stage.
26448Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
26449Would you think the boy was strange?
26450Ain't he strange?
26451...
26452If I could stick a knife in my heart,
26453Suicide right on the stage,
26454Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
26455Would it help to ease the pain?
26456Ease your brain?
26457 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
26458%
26459If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
26460 -- Danno Coppock
26461%
26462If I don't drive around the park,
26463I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
26464If I'm in bed each night by ten,
26465I may get back my looks again.
26466If I abstain from fun and such,
26467I'll probably amount to much;
26468But I shall stay the way I am,
26469Because I do not give a damn.
26470 -- Dorothy Parker
26471%
26472If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
26473%
26474If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
26475Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
26476as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
26477you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
26478 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
26479%
26480If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
26481%
26482IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
26483got to be a better way.
26484 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
26485%
26486If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
26487I'd sell the plantation and go home.
26488 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
26489%
26490If I had any humility I would be perfect.
26491 -- Ted Turner
26492%
26493If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
26494a laboratory jar at Harvard.
26495 -- Frank Sinatra
26496
26497AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
26498 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
26499%
26500If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
26501would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
26502trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
26503I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
26504travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
26505You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
26506and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
26507if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
26508have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
26509years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
26510without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
26511If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
26512lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
26513earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
26514more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
26515ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
26516%
26517If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
26518 -- Albert Einstein
26519%
26520If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
26521 -- Tallulah Bankhead
26522%
26523If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
26524%
26525If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
26526shoulders of giants.
26527 -- Isaac Newton
26528
26529In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
26530the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
26531 -- Gerald Holton
26532
26533If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
26534my shoulders.
26535 -- Hal Abelson
26536
26537Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
26538 -- Gauss
26539
26540Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
26541stand on each other's toes.
26542 -- Richard Hamming
26543
26544It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
26545this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
26546software engineers dig each other's graves.
26547 -- Unknown
26548%
26549If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
26550shoulders of giants.
26551 -- Isaac Newton
26552
26553In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
26554with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
26555 -- Gerald Holton
26556
26557If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
26558on my shoulders.
26559 -- Hal Abelson
26560
26561In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
26562 -- Brian K. Reid
26563%
26564If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
26565 -- Bob Hope
26566%
26567If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
26568I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
26569 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
26570%
26571If I love you, what business is it of yours?
26572 -- Johann van Goethe
26573%
26574If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
26575just couldn't help myself.
26576 -- Adolf Hitler
26577%
26578If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
26579 -- Alan Parsons Project
26580%
26581If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
26582I'm an engineer working on something.
26583 -- S. R. McElroy
26584%
26585If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
26586%
26587If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
26588As Dame Fortune did intend,
26589Murphy would be there to tell me
26590The pot's at the other end.
26591 -- Bert Whitney
26592%
26593If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
26594%
26595If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
26596work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
26597 -- Douglas Jerrold
26598%
26599If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
26600because I can't swim.
26601 -- Bob Stanfield
26602%
26603If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
26604I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
26605 -- G. Hirst
26606%
26607If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
26608%
26609If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
26610 -- Jerry Muscha
26611%
26612If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
26613answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
26614%
26615If in doubt, mumble.
26616%
26617If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
26618%
26619If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
26620%
26621If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
26622 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
26623%
26624If it happens once, it's a bug.
26625If it happens twice, it's a feature.
26626If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
26627%
26628If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
26629%
26630If it heals good, say it.
26631%
26632If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
26633answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
26634 -- Samuel Clemens
26635%
26636If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
26637%
26638If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
26639it's physics.
26640%
26641If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
26642 -- Ronald Reagan
26643%
26644If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
26645%
26646If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
26647%
26648If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
26649%
26650If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
26651 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
26652%
26653If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
26654I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
26655the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
26656forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
26657of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
26658 -- James Dickey
26659%
26660If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
26661%
26662If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
26663%
26664If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
26665%
26666If it's worth doing, do it for money.
26667%
26668If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
26669%
26670If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
26671%
26672If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
26673They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
26674fun of it.
26675 -- Thomas Carlyle
26676%
26677If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
26678send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
26679other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
26680of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
26681they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
26682they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
26683them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
26684 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
26685%
26686If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
26687had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
26688 -- Karl Marx's Mother
26689%
26690If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
26691%
26692If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
26693%
26694If life is merely a joke, the question
26695still remains: for whose amusement?
26696%
26697If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
26698%
26699If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
26700 -- Tom Robbins
26701%
26702If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
26703you've got in the house.
26704 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
26705%
26706If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
26707 -- Lily Tomlin
26708%
26709If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
26710 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
26711%
26712If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
26713 -- Phil Lapsley
26714%
26715If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
26716%
26717If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
26718 -- Mary Wilson Little
26719%
26720If mathematically you end up with the wrong
26721answer, try multiplying by the page number.
26722%
26723If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
26724be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
26725 -- Frances Rodman
26726%
26727If men are not afraid to die,
26728it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
26729
26730If men live in constant fear of dying,
26731And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
26732Who will dare to break the law?
26733
26734There is always an official executioner.
26735If you try to take his place,
26736It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
26737If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
26738 you will only hurt your hand.
26739 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
26740%
26741If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
26742%
26743If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
26744be a merrier world.
26745 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
26746%
26747If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
26748of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
26749and from that to incivility and procrastination.
26750 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
26751%
26752If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
26753over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
26754 -- Oscar Wilde
26755%
26756If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
26757of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
26758in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
26759far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
26760various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
26761it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
26762connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
26763get an unfair advantage.
26764 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
26765%
26766If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
26767 -- A. Einstein.
26768%
26769If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
26770 -- Oscar Wilde,
26771 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
26772%
26773If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
26774 -- Woody Allen
26775%
26776If only God would give me some clear sign!
26777Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
26778 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
26779%
26780If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
26781%
26782If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
26783%
26784If only you knew she loved you, you could
26785face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
26786%
26787If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
26788%
26789If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
26790 -- George Bernard Shaw
26791%
26792If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
26793he should see how bad it is with representation.
26794%
26795If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
26796then we are a sorry lot indeed.
26797 -- Albert Einstein
26798%
26799If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
26800there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
26801 -- Doug Larson
26802%
26803If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
26804 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
26805
26806[What brand of ink? Ed.]
26807%
26808If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
26809will take sandwiches.
26810 -- Lord Boyd-orr
26811
26812Eats first, morals after.
26813 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
26814%
26815If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
26816I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
26817 -- Hermann Goering
26818%
26819If people see that you mean them no harm,
26820they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
26821%
26822If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
26823%
26824If preceded by a '-' , the timezone shall be east of the Prime
26825Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
26826an optional preceding '+' ).
26827 -- POSIX 2001
26828
26829The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
26830(i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
26831 -- RFC 2822
26832%
26833If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
26834 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
26835%
26836If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
26837%
26838If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
26839%
26840If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
26841%
26842If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
26843 -- Tom Wicker
26844%
26845If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
26846
26847Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
26848Eating components of soured milk.
26849On at least one occasion,
26850 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
26851Or at least in her vicinity,
26852And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
26853Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
26854 -- Ann Melugin Williams
26855%
26856If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
26857pool cues, who would win?
26858 1) Ricky Schroder
26859 2) Gary Coleman
26860 3) The television viewing public
26861 -- David Letterman
26862%
26863If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
26864 -- James Nicoll
26865%
26866If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
26867arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
26868world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
26869the use of the mathematics of probability.
26870 -- Vannevar Bush
26871%
26872If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
26873books on how to?
26874 -- Bette Midler
26875%
26876If she had not been cupric in her ions,
26877Her shape ovoidal,
26878Their romance might have flourished.
26879But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
26880His ions ferric,
26881Love could not help but die,
26882Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
26883%
26884If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
26885 -- Robert Frost
26886%
26887If some people didn't tell you,
26888you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
26889%
26890If someone had told me I would be Pope
26891one day, I would have studied harder.
26892 -- Pope John Paul I
26893%
26894If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
26895%
26896If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
26897ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
26898%
26899If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
26900way they do?
26901%
26902"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
26903 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
26904%
26905If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
26906presumably flunk it.
26907 -- Stanley Garn
26908%
26909If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
26910and never be our destiny.
26911 -- Rene de Visme Williamson
26912%
26913If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
26914Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
26915and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
26916 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
26917%
26918If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
26919this would be a better world.
26920 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
26921%
26922If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
26923 -- Norm Schryer
26924%
26925If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
26926the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
26927college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
26928method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
26929learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
26930be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
26931young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
26932I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
26933by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
26934instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
26935attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
26936not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
26937put on a professor.
26938 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
26939%
26940If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
26941steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
26942principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
26943feature, that.
26944 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
26945%
26946If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
26947 -- Robert Moses
26948%
26949If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
26950would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
26951 -- Doug Larson
26952
26953[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
26954%
26955If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
26956 -- Albert Einstein
26957%
26958If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
26959mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
26960%
26961If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
26962Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
26963%
26964If the government doesn't trust the people, why
26965doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
26966%
26967If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
26968consider what may be fertilizing it.
26969%
26970If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
26971we would be so simple we couldn't.
26972%
26973"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
26974me!"
26975 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
26976%
26977If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
26978I would have recommended something simpler.
26979 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
26980 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
26981%
26982If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
26983the lives of both have been wasted.
26984%
26985If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
26986then this sentence would not be false.
26987%
26988If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
26989goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
26990 -- Frank Zappa
26991%
26992If the odds are a million to one against something
26993occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
26994%
26995If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
26996 -- Anatole France
26997%
26998If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
26999what a living the poor could make!
27000%
27001If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
27002%
27003If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
27004the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
27005 -- Chris Torek
27006%
27007If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
27008%
27009If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
27010Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
27011on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
27012paper folding, or something.
27013 -- C. Philip Wood
27014%
27015If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
27016 -- Chief Dan George
27017%
27018If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
27019If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
27020If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
27021church attendance will exceed all expectations.
27022 -- Reverend Chichester
27023%
27024If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
27025%
27026If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
27027will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
27028%
27029If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
27030of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
27031of this life.
27032 -- Albert Camus
27033%
27034If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
27035 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
27036%
27037If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
27038can't afford divorce.
27039 -- Jack Nicholson
27040%
27041If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
27042 -- Art Hoppe
27043%
27044If there is no wind, row.
27045 -- Polish proverb
27046%
27047If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
27048have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
27049 -- Saul Goodman
27050%
27051If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
27052%
27053If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
27054years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
27055school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
27056 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
27057%
27058If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
27059something out of you.
27060 -- Muhammad Ali
27061%
27062If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
27063%
27064If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
27065go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
27066days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
27067to crudeness...
27068 -- Johnny Mnemonic
27069%
27070If they were so inclined, they could impeach
27071him because they don't like his necktie.
27072 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
27073%
27074If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
27075%
27076If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
27077%
27078If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
27079It's not time yet.
27080%
27081If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
27082%
27083If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
27084yesterday?
27085%
27086If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
27087 -- Lily Tomlin
27088%
27089If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
27090doing the thinking.
27091 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27092
27093Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
27094helmet off.
27095 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27096
27097I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
27098itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
27099 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27100%
27101If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
27102 -- Ernest Hemingway
27103%
27104If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
27105 -- Laurence J. Peter
27106%
27107"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
27108%
27109If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
27110If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
27111%
27112If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
27113%
27114If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
27115 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
27116%
27117If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
27118all be millionaires.
27119 -- Abigail Van Buren
27120%
27121If we do not change our direction we are
27122likely to end up where we are headed.
27123%
27124If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
27125 -- John Sinclair
27126%
27127If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
27128of it.
27129 -- Oscar Wilde
27130%
27131"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
27132findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
27133 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
27134 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
27135 crimes.
27136%
27137If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
27138It's the light of an oncoming train.
27139 -- Robert Lowell
27140%
27141If we spoke a different language, we
27142would perceive a somewhat different world.
27143 -- Wittgenstein
27144%
27145If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
27146we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
27147 -- Samuel Adams
27148%
27149"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
27150%
27151If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
27152with alarm clocks.
27153%
27154If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
27155%
27156If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
27157do something else.
27158 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
27159%
27160If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
27161in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
27162qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
27163 -- Marguerite Emmons
27164%
27165If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
27166%
27167If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
27168beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
27169lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
27170women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
27171 -- Gloria Steinham
27172%
27173If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
27174 -- Aristotle Onassis
27175%
27176"If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer.
27177Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter
27178than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is."
27179 -- Andrew Plotkin
27180%
27181If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
27182Quit work and play for once!
27183%
27184If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
27185 -- Arthur Miller
27186%
27187If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
27188 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
27189%
27190If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
27191 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
27192 crazy.
27193%
27194If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
27195 -- Anton Chekov
27196%
27197If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
27198%
27199If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
27200good, you will get out of it.
27201%
27202If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
27203your honesty is corrupt.
27204%
27205If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
27206longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
27207 -- Abigail Van Buren
27208%
27209If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
27210If you are for yourself, then what are you?
27211If not now, when?
27212%
27213If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
27214evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
27215words.
27216 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
27217%
27218If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
27219by your parents, we will cash your check.
27220%
27221If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
27222over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
27223 -- Walter Hagen
27224%
27225If you are smart enough to know that you're not
27226smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
27227%
27228If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
27229%
27230If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
27231%
27232If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
27233 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
27234%
27235If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
27236 -- J. Paul Getty
27237%
27238If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
27239theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
27240%
27241If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
27242%
27243If you can read this, you're too close.
27244%
27245If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
27246%
27247If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
27248 -- Harry S. Truman
27249%
27250If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
27251what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
27252 -- Edwim Schrodinger
27253%
27254If you can't be good, be careful.
27255If you can't be careful, give me a call.
27256%
27257If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
27258%
27259If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
27260%
27261If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
27262%
27263If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
27264 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
27265%
27266If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
27267%
27268If you catch a man, throw him back.
27269 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
27270%
27271If you continually give you will continually have.
27272%
27273If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
27274accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
27275%
27276If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
27277%
27278If you didn't have most of your friends,
27279you wouldn't have most of your problems.
27280%
27281If you didn't have to work so hard,
27282you'd have more time to be depressed.
27283%
27284If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
27285 -- John Galsworthy
27286%
27287If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
27288it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
27289 -- Carlyle
27290%
27291If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
27292%
27293If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
27294%
27295If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
27296in the Bible.
27297 -- Mordecai Richler
27298%
27299If you don't do it, you'll never know what
27300would have happened if you had done it.
27301%
27302If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
27303%
27304If you don't drink it, someone else will.
27305%
27306If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
27307 -- Clarence Day
27308%
27309If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
27310 -- Freeman Dyson
27311%
27312If you don't have the time right now,
27313will you have redo right time later?
27314%
27315If you don't have time to do it right, where
27316are you going to find the time to do it over?
27317%
27318If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
27319%
27320If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
27321%
27322If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
27323 -- Calvin Coolidge
27324%
27325If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
27326 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
27327%
27328"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
27329Lavoris in the toilet."
27330 -- Jay Leno
27331%
27332If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
27333%
27334If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
27335either of you for the rest of the day.
27336%
27337"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
27338have to get a toehold in the public eye."
27339%
27340If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
27341an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
27342it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
27343will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
27344it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
27345around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
27346carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
27347raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
27348what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
27349properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
27350gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
27351numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
27352you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
27353over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
27354was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
27355network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
27356software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
27357number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
27358in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
27359get my drift.
27360%
27361If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
27362will.
27363%
27364If you explain something so clearly that no
27365one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
27366%
27367If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
27368%
27369If you find a solution and become attached to it,
27370the solution may become your next problem.
27371%
27372If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
27373%
27374If you float on instinct alone, how can you
27375calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
27376 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
27377%
27378If you fool around with something long
27379enough, it will eventually break.
27380%
27381If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
27382%
27383If you give Congress a chance to vote on
27384both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
27385 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
27386%
27387If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
27388all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
27389 -- Winston Churchill
27390%
27391If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
27392so as not to disturb those around you.
27393%
27394If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
27395all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
27396swimming.
27397 -- Jack Handey
27398%
27399If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
27400%
27401If you had better tools, you could more
27402effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
27403%
27404If you had just one moment to live
27405And they granted you one special wish
27406Would you ask for something
27407Like another chance.
27408 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
27409%
27410If you hands are clean and your cause is just
27411and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
27412%
27413If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
27414%
27415If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
27416 -- Bette Davis
27417%
27418If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
27419%
27420If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
27421new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
27422does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
27423make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
27424The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
27425you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
27426will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
27427cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
27428dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
27429of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
27430straight.
27431 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
27432%
27433If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
27434 -- Spiro Agnew
27435%
27436If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
27437%
27438If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
27439 -- Louis Armstrong
27440%
27441If you have to hate, hate gently.
27442%
27443If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
27444%
27445If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
27446in chartered accountancy beckons.
27447 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
27448 Systems course.
27449%
27450If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
27451hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
27452 -- Neil Bogart
27453%
27454If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
27455yourself in the posterior.
27456 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
27457%
27458If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
27459%
27460If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
27461rubbish into it.
27462 -- William Orton
27463%
27464If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
27465%
27466If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
27467 -- Petersen Nesbit
27468%
27469If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
27470 -- Mark Twain
27471%
27472If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
27473you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
27474 -- David Letterman
27475%
27476If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
27477365 useless things.
27478%
27479If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
27480%
27481If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
27482 -- Graham Summer
27483%
27484If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
27485 -- Simone De Beauvoir
27486%
27487If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
27488because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
27489 -- George Burns
27490%
27491If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
27492and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
27493 -- Garrison Keillor
27494%
27495If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
27496 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
27497%
27498If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
27499If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
27500%
27501If you lose a son you can always get another,
27502but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
27503 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
27504%
27505If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
27506he'll get rich or famous or both.
27507%
27508If you love someone, set them free.
27509If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
27510%
27511If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
27512come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
27513%
27514If you make a mistake you right it
27515immediately to the best of your ability.
27516%
27517If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
27518with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
27519 -- The Best of Will Rogers
27520%
27521If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
27522but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
27523%
27524If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
27525be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
27526 -- Ann Landers
27527%
27528If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
27529in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
27530%
27531If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
27532 -- Schmidt
27533%
27534If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
27535Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
27536%
27537If you need anything just whistle.
27538You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
27539Just put your lips together and blow.
27540 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
27541%
27542If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
27543they must not be deceiving you very well.
27544%
27545If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
27546 -- Maslow
27547%
27548If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
27549can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
27550develop.
27551%
27552If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
27553you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
27554 -- Mark Twain
27555%
27556If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
27557you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
27558ice, but no cup.
27559%
27560If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
27561this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
27562somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
27563%
27564If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
27565%
27566If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
27567But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
27568is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
27569 -- Pierre Gallois
27570%
27571If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
27572restaurant.
27573 -- Snoopy
27574%
27575If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
27576Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
27577something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
27578they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
27579they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
27580if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
27581-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
27582 -- Hermann Goering
27583%
27584If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
27585%
27586If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
27587%
27588If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
27589deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
27590are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
27591%
27592If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
27593%
27594If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
27595But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
27596 -- Swami Prabhupada
27597%
27598If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
27599the sucker.
27600%
27601If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
27602%
27603If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
27604%
27605If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
27606many it's research.
27607 -- Wilson Mizner
27608%
27609If you stew apples like cranberries,
27610they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
27611 -- Groucho Marx
27612%
27613If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
27614It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
27615Or some joker who is slicker,
27616Will trick you of your liquor,
27617If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
27618%
27619If you stick your head in the sand,
27620one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
27621%
27622If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
27623%
27624If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
27625schizophrenia.
27626 -- Thomas Szasz
27627%
27628If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
27629then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
27630harm.
27631%
27632If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
27633 -- Mark Twain
27634%
27635If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
27636%
27637If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
27638 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
27639%
27640If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
27641wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
27642%
27643If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
27644try missing a couple of car payments.
27645 -- Earl Wilson
27646%
27647If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
27648don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
27649 -- Bruce Schneier
27650%
27651If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
27652someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
27653your Bic.
27654%
27655If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
27656 -- Arthur Kasspe
27657%
27658If you think the system is working,
27659ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
27660%
27661If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
27662shopping center in the world?
27663 -- Richard M. Nixon
27664%
27665If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
27666lack sufficient imagination.
27667%
27668If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
27669to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
27670say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party
27671next year.
27672 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
27673 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
27674they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
27675to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
27676parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
27677another one ...
27678 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
27679unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
27680through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
27681they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
27682your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
27683 -- Dave Barry
27684%
27685If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
27686them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
27687 -- Mr. Interesting
27688%
27689If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
27690end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
27691 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
27692%
27693If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
27694and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
27695 -- Dorothy Parker
27696%
27697If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
27698 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
27699%
27700If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
27701%
27702"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
27703 -- A. L.
27704%
27705If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
27706done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
27707%
27708If you want divine justice, die.
27709 -- Nick Seldon
27710%
27711If you want me to be a good little bunny
27712just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
27713 -- Lauren Bacall
27714%
27715If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
27716 -- Michelet
27717%
27718If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
27719read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
27720 -- Don Marquis
27721%
27722If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
27723%
27724If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
27725he gave it to.
27726 -- Dorothy Parker
27727%
27728If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
27729 -- Woody Allen
27730%
27731If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
27732%
27733If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
27734books.
27735 -- Alan King
27736%
27737If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
27738 -- Harry Blackstone
27739%
27740If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
27741Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
27742Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
27743containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
27744the word "National".
27745 -- George Will
27746%
27747If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
27748you say, talk in your sleep.
27749%
27750"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
27751memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
27752even if they don't know what it means."
27753 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
27754%
27755If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
27756%
27757If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
27758fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
27759heartbeats.
27760%
27761If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
27762If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
27763If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
27764If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
27765 -- Chinese Proverb
27766%
27767If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
27768%
27769If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
27770%
27771If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
27772boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
27773 -- Anton Chekov
27774%
27775If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
27776If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
27777 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
27778If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
27779If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
27780 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
27781 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
27782If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
27783 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
27784 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
27785 why.
27786%
27787If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
27788%
27789If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
27790 -- Ben Franklin
27791%
27792If you would understand your own age, read the works
27793of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
27794%
27795If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
27796Bed down with a pretty girl.
27797Amor vincit omnia.
27798%
27799If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
27800%
27801If your bread is stale, make toast.
27802%
27803If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
27804If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
27805 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
27806%
27807If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
27808I guess you do have a problem.
27809 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
27810%
27811If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
27812%
27813If your mother knew what you're doing,
27814she'd probably hang her head and cry.
27815%
27816If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
27817%
27818If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
27819longer be fantasies.
27820 -- Fran Lebowitz
27821%
27822If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a
27823piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
27824 -- W.C. Fields
27825%
27826If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
27827embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
27828 -- Jack Handey
27829%
27830If you're careful enough, nothing
27831bad or good will ever happen to you.
27832%
27833If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
27834The Olympics are over.
27835%
27836If you're constantly being mistreated,
27837you're cooperating with the treatment.
27838%
27839If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
27840strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
27841together yet.
27842 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
27843%
27844If you're going to America, bring your own food.
27845 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
27846%
27847If you're going to do something tonight
27848that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
27849 -- Henny Youngman
27850%
27851If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
27852%
27853If you're happy, you're successful.
27854%
27855If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
27856%
27857If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
27858 -- Benjamin Disraeli
27859%
27860If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
27861%
27862If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
27863As well as by traffic and crime,
27864Consider how worry-free gophers are,
27865Though living on burrowed time.
27866 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
27867%
27868If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
27869off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
27870 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
27871%
27872If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
27873 -- Ronald Reagan
27874%
27875ignisecond, n:
27876 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
27877 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
27878 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
27879%
27880Ignorance is bliss.
27881 -- Thomas Gray
27882
27883Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
27884 BLISS is ignorance.
27885%
27886Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
27887rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
27888 -- Franklin K. Dane
27889%
27890Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
27891%
27892Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
27893so resolutely pursuing it.
27894%
27895Ignore previous fortune.
27896%
27897Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
27898 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
27899Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
27900 Et le m^omerade horgrave.
27901 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
27902%
27903Iles's Law:
27904 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
27905at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
27906Neither will Iles.
27907%
27908I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
27909 -- Lenny Bruce
27910%
27911I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
27912%
27913I'll burn my books.
27914 -- Christopher Marlowe
27915%
27916"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
27917carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
27918I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
27919 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
27920%
27921I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
27922listen to it!
27923 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
27924%
27925I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
27926in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
27927 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
27928%
27929I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
27930Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
27931And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
27932And in our bound partition never part.
27933 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
27934%
27935I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
27936I play just what I feel.
27937Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
27938And die behind the wheel.
27939They got a name for the winners in the world,
27940I want a name when I lose.
27941They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
27942Call me Deacon Blues.
27943 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
27944%
27945I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
27946 -- Pink Floyd
27947%
27948I'll never get off this planet.
27949 -- Luke Skywalker
27950%
27951I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
27952%
27953"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
27954That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
27955 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
27956%
27957I'll turn over a new leaf.
27958 -- Miguel de Cervantes
27959%
27960Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
27961any Indian.
27962 -- Robert Orben
27963
27964Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
27965 -- Jack Paar
27966%
27967Illegitimi non carborundum
27968(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
27969%
27970Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
27971it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
27972%
27973Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
27974%
27975Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
27976 -- Voltaire
27977%
27978I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
27979that I could have evolved from man.
27980%
27981"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
27982 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
27983 the idea of a doomsday machine.
27984"I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
27985 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
27986 Ellen up a steep incline.
27987"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
27988 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
27989"I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
27990 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
27991 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
27992"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
27993 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
27994"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
27995 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
27996 that Kirk talked strangely.
27997"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
27998 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
27999 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
28000"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
28001 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
28002 physical exam to answer the alert.
28003%
28004I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
28005a sports jacket and take off my brain.
28006%
28007I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
28008%
28009I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
28010 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
28011 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
28012%
28013I'm all for computer dating, but I
28014wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
28015%
28016I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
28017eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
28018 -- A. Lyman Chapin
28019%
28020I'm always looking for a new idea that
28021will be more productive than its cost.
28022 -- David Rockefeller
28023%
28024I'm an artist.
28025But it's not what I really want to do.
28026What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
28027I know what you're going to say --
28028"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
28029All right! But it's what I want to do.
28030Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
28031
28032The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
28033 -- J. Feiffer
28034%
28035I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
28036that I could have been created by man.
28037%
28038"I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!"
28039 -- Zippy the Pinhead
28040%
28041I'm changing my name to Chrysler
28042I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
28043I'll tell some power broker
28044 What they did for Iacocca
28045Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
28046I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
28047I'm heading for that great receiving line.
28048When they hand a million grand out,
28049 I'll be standing with my hand out,
28050Yessir, I'll get mine!
28051 -- Tom Paxton
28052%
28053I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
28054%
28055I'm dying beyond my means.
28056 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
28057%
28058"I'm dying," he croaked.
28059"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
28060"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
28061"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
28062"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
28063"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
28064"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
28065"You snake," she rattled.
28066"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
28067"Company's coming," she guessed.
28068"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
28069"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
28070"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
28071"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
28072"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
28073 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
28074%
28075I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
28076 -- George McGovern
28077%
28078I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
28079 -- Gore Vidal
28080%
28081I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've
28082just had a good war.
28083 -- Mae West
28084%
28085I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
28086%
28087I'm glad I was not born before tea.
28088 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
28089%
28090I'm glad that I'm an American,
28091I'm glad that I am free,
28092But I wish I were a little doggy,
28093And McGovern were a tree.
28094%
28095I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
28096every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
28097it with you.
28098
28099> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
28100 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
28101> And in LA it's 72.
28102
28103> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
28104 is a million percent.
28105> And in LA it's 72.
28106
28107> In New York there are a million interesting people.
28108> And in LA there are 72.
28109%
28110I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
28111 -- Fred Allen
28112%
28113I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
28114 -- Woody Allen
28115%
28116I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
28117 -- Spider Robinson
28118%
28119I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
28120 -- John Foreman
28121%
28122I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
28123says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
28124 -- Bob Hope
28125%
28126I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
28127%
28128"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
28129 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
28130%
28131I'm just as sad as sad can be!
28132 I've missed your special date.
28133Please say that you're not mad at me
28134 My tax return is late.
28135 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
28136%
28137I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
28138living apart.
28139 -- E.E. Cummings
28140%
28141I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
28142N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
28143I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
28144She's traversed me seven times before.
28145And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
28146Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
28147I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
28148N-ary the tree I am, I am,
28149N-ary the tree I am.
28150 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
28151%
28152I'm not a lovable man.
28153 -- Richard Nixon.
28154%
28155I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
28156with twenty-eight years ago.
28157 -- Will Rogers
28158%
28159I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
28160match the men.
28161 -- George Eliot
28162%
28163I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
28164 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
28165%
28166I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
28167%
28168I'm not offering myself as an example;
28169every life evolves by its own laws.
28170%
28171I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
28172%
28173I'm not proud.
28174%
28175"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
28176%
28177I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
28178 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
28179%
28180I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
28181%
28182I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
28183that good.
28184 -- Amy Gorin
28185%
28186I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
28187that some thinkle peep I am.
28188It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
28189%
28190I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
28191gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
28192and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
28193to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
28194yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
28195really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
28196what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
28197okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
28198 -- Carl Sagan
28199%
28200I'm prepared for all emergencies but
28201totally unprepared for everyday life.
28202%
28203I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
28204-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
28205 -- Arthur Godfrey
28206%
28207I'm rated PG-34!!
28208%
28209I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
28210Let's not talk again REAL soon...
28211%
28212"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
28213(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
28214 -- English Professor, Providence College
28215%
28216I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
28217%
28218I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
28219%
28220"I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
28221coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
28222you being a dumbass."
28223 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
28224%
28225I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
28226%
28227I'm sorry I missed.
28228 -- Squeaky Fromme
28229%
28230I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
28231%
28232I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
28233%
28234I'm successful because I'm lucky.
28235The harder I work, the luckier I get.
28236%
28237"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
28238a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
28239 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under
28240my arm."
28241%
28242I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
28243I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
28244In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
28245I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
28246 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
28247%
28248I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
28249like pigeons and Catholics.
28250 -- Woody Allen
28251%
28252"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
28253lives"
28254%
28255Imagination is more important than knowledge.
28256 -- A. Einstein
28257%
28258Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
28259 -- Jules de Gaultier
28260%
28261"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
28262usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
28263thinks of complaining."
28264 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
28265%
28266Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
28267It would mean political ruin.
28268 -- Adolf Hitler
28269%
28270Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
28271a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
28272storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
28273voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
28274What's the first question that the computer community asks?
28275
28276"Is it PC compatible?"
28277%
28278Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
28279 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
28280%
28281Imagine what we can imagine!
28282 -- Arthur Rubinstein
28283%
28284Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
28285 -- Genji
28286%
28287Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
28288 In order for something to become clean, something else must
28289 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
28290 anything clean.
28291%
28292Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
28293 -- Fred Allen
28294%
28295Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
28296%
28297Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
28298%
28299Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
28300 -- Lionel Trilling
28301%
28302Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
28303 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
28304%
28305Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
28306 -- Edgar A. Shoaff
28307%
28308Immutability, Three Rules of:
28309 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
28310 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
28311 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
28312%
28313Impartial, adj.:
28314 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
28315 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
28316 conflicting opinions.
28317 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28318%
28319Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
28320mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
28321Boss is reading it.
28322%
28323Impossible, adj.:
28324 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
28325(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may
28326perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
28327 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
28328%
28329In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
28330waffles.
28331%
28332In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
28333get parts.
28334%
28335In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
28336creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
28337%
28338In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
28339syrup.
28340%
28341In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
28342in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
28343revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
28344behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
28345shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
28346
28347It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
28348ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
28349%
28350In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
28351dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
28352more to its liking.
28353
28354In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
28355Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
28356liking.
28357%
28358In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
28359%
28360In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
28361an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
28362%
28363In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
28364the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
28365%
28366In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
28367by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
28368has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
28369 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
28370%
28371In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
28372humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
28373anyway.
28374 -- The 5th Wave
28375%
28376In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
28377Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
28378%
28379In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
28380placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
28381%
28382In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
28383other really likes.
28384 -- Elizabeth Ashley
28385%
28386In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
28387in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
28388to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
28389have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
28390 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
28391%
28392In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
28393Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
28394 -- Frank Mankiewicz
28395%
28396In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
28397"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
28398 -- Mark Twain
28399%
28400In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
28401of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
28402because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
28403person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
28404superior to Tops10.
28405%
28406In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
28407taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
28408%
28409In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
28410with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
28411this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
28412%
28413In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
28414of the risks he takes.
28415 -- Adlai Stevenson
28416%
28417In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
28418sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
28419those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
28420devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
28421as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
28422 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
28423%
28424In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
28425be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
28426beloved.
28427 -- Russell Baker
28428%
28429In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
28430%
28431In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
28432incompetency
28433 -- The Peter Principle
28434%
28435In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
28436sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
28437 -- Idi Amin Dada
28438%
28439In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
28440are to be treated as variables.
28441%
28442In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
28443the answer may be obtained by inspection.
28444%
28445In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
28446it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
28447 -- Stuart Keate
28448%
28449In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
28450%
28451IN BOX:
28452 A catch basin for everything you don't want
28453 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
28454%
28455In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
28456the cows are known sluts.
28457 -- Johnny Carson
28458%
28459In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
28460made the World Series just something that came later.
28461 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
28462%
28463In buying horses and taking a wife
28464shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
28465%
28466In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
28467thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
28468teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
28469said, "up to the mathematicians."
28470 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
28471%
28472In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
28473it into television shows.
28474 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
28475%
28476In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
28477%
28478In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
28479against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
28480%
28481In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
28482 -- The Kidner Report
28483%
28484In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
28485%
28486In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
28487He'll kiss it and make it better.
28488%
28489In charity there is no excess.
28490 -- Francis Bacon
28491%
28492In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
28493husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
28494be free of subjugation.
28495 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
28496%
28497In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
28498This is called Monotony.
28499%
28500In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
28501a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
28502to get her attention.
28503%
28504In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
28505%
28506In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
28507in any motor vehicle.
28508%
28509In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
28510 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
28511%
28512In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
28513neighbor.
28514%
28515In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
28516%
28517In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
28518resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
28519inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
28520 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28521%
28522In dwelling, be close to the land.
28523In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
28524In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
28525In speech, be true.
28526In work, be competent.
28527In action, be careful of your timing.
28528 -- Lao Tsu
28529%
28530In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
28531programming languages.
28532%
28533In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
28534 -- Thomas Jefferson
28535%
28536In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
28537 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
28538%
28539In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
28540Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
28541And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
28542 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
28543 -- Mary Poppins
28544%
28545In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
28546%
28547In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
28548transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
28549in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
28550spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
28551 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
28552%
28553In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
28554in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
28555%
28556In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
28557I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
28558because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
28559didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
28560Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
28561for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
28562 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
28563%
28564In God we trust; all else we walk through.
28565%
28566In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
28567know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
28568 -- Plato
28569%
28570In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
28571the sidewalks when a concert is on.
28572%
28573In her first passion woman loves her lover,
28574In all the others all she loves is love.
28575 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
28576%
28577In high school in Brooklyn
28578I was the baseball manager,
28579proud as I could be
28580I chased baseballs,
28581gathered thrown bats
28582handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
28583It was very important work but it was dark blue while
28584for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
28585but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
28586When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
28587their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
28588I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
28589Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
28590got these jackets, and among all those green ones
28591surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
28592 I still recall that jacket
28593 and the memory goes on hurting.
28594 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
28595%
28596In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
28597afterwards that causes the problems.
28598 -- Shelley Winters
28599%
28600In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
28601 -- Rex Reed
28602%
28603In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
28604use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
28605which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
28606 -- Mark Twain
28607%
28608In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
28609murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
28610and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
28611five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
28612The cuckoo-clock.
28613 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
28614%
28615In just seven days, I can make you a man!
28616 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
28617 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
28618%
28619In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
28620progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
28621 -- James Slagle
28622%
28623In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
28624pocket.
28625%
28626In like a dimwit, out like a light.
28627 -- Pogo
28628%
28629In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
28630 -- Bruton
28631%
28632In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
28633pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
28634either flying or waiting to board a plane.
28635%
28636In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
28637to take every advantage of the enemy.
28638%
28639In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
28640the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
28641have obtained from books of travel.
28642 -- Mark Twain
28643%
28644In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
28645in matters of taste, swim with the current.
28646 -- Thomas Jefferson
28647%
28648In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
28649 -- Josi Simon
28650%
28651In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
28652It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
28653%
28654In most instances, all an argument
28655proves is that two people are present.
28656%
28657In my end is my beginning.
28658 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
28659%
28660In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
28661your left leg, it's modern architecture.
28662 -- Nancy Banks Smith
28663%
28664IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
28665becoming pure energy.
28666 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
28667%
28668In Nature there are neither rewards nor
28669punishments, there are consequences.
28670 -- R. G. Ingersoll
28671%
28672In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
28673to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
28674speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
28675%
28676In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
28677a practice which is still continued.
28678 -- Helen Rowland
28679%
28680In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
28681%
28682In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
28683you're what's left.
28684%
28685In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
28686%
28687In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
28688It is not always an easy sacrifice.
28689%
28690"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
28691universe."
28692 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
28693%
28694In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
28695is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
28696 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28697%
28698In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
28699%
28700In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
28701a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
28702 -- John Diefenbaker
28703%
28704In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
28705and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
28706%
28707In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
28708of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
28709view."
28710%
28711In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
28712happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
28713 -- Paul Licker
28714%
28715In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
28716want the other person.
28717 -- Margaret Anderson
28718%
28719In reply to a message by Scott Long:
28720
28721> Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming.
28722
28723Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in
28724your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some
28725computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY
28726DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring
28727their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6,
28728whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc.
28729
28730It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD
28731merger be that far off?
28732
28733- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006)
28734%
28735In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
28736Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
28737Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
28738We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
28739 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
28740%
28741In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
28742 -- Will Durst
28743%
28744In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
28745good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
28746their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
28747do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
28748human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
28749recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
28750 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
28751%
28752In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
28753is over six feet in length.
28754%
28755In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
28756 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
28757%
28758"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
28759%
28760In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
28761%
28762In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
28763 -- Anne Frank
28764%
28765In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
28766 -- Alan Kay
28767%
28768In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
28769moving automobile.
28770%
28771[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
28772could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
28773that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
28774
28775And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
28776over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
28777didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
28778point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
28779we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
28780
28781So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
28782Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
28783___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
28784rolled back.
28785 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
28786%
28787In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
28788And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
28789%
28790In the beginning was the word.
28791But by the time the second word was added to it,
28792There was trouble.
28793For with it came syntax ...
28794 -- John Simon
28795%
28796In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
28797Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
28798which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
28799intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
2880014, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
28801fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
28802discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
28803to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
28804memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
28805
28806 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
28807 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
28808 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
28809 combination."
28810
28811Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
28812could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
28813%
28814In the days of old,
28815When Knights were bold,
28816 And women were too cautious;
28817Oh, those gallant days,
28818When women were women,
28819 And men were really obnoxious.
28820%
28821In the dimestores and bus stations
28822People talk of situations
28823Read books repeat quotations
28824Draw conclusions on the wall.
28825 -- Bob Dylan
28826%
28827In the early morning queue,
28828With a listing in my hand.
28829With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
28830Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
28831I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
28832How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
28833In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
28834With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
28835 Hey, there it goes my friend,
28836 I've moved up one at last.
28837 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
28838 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
28839%
28840In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
28841 -- Martin Mull
28842%
28843In the first place, God made idiots;
28844this was for practice; then he made school boards.
28845 -- Mark Twain
28846%
28847In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28848the proper order then why can't he?
28849%
28850In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28851the proper order then why can't he?
28852
28853
28854I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
28855Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
28856 S-O-D-A soda
28857I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
28858I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
28859 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
28860
28861Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
28862A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
28863 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
28864Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
28865How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
28866 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
28867 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
28868%
28869In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
28870 -- Joseph Stalin
28871%
28872In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
28873You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
28874%
28875In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
28876 -- Lenny Bruce
28877%
28878In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
28879woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
28880 -- Tolstoy
28881%
28882In the land of the dark the Ship of the
28883Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
28884 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
28885%
28886In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
28887 -- Alan Perlis
28888%
28889In the long run we are all dead.
28890 -- John Maynard Keynes
28891%
28892In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
28893a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
28894the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
28895
28896Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
28897A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
28898%
28899In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
28900noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
28901the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
28902conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
28903jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
28904 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
28905live?"
28906%
28907In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
28908displeasing to us.
28909 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
28910%
28911In the next world, you're on your own.
28912%
28913In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
28914wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
28915everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
28916camp.
28917 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
28918a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
28919louder and louder.
28920 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
28921the sound of those drums."
28922 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
28923NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
28924%
28925In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
28926loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
28927you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
28928lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
28929and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
28930was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
28931 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
28932%
28933In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
28934struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
28935and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
28936crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
28937 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
28938 novel.
28939%
28940In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
28941shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
28942Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
28943thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
28944Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
28945something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
28946conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
28947 -- Mark Twain
28948%
28949In the Spring, I have counted 136
28950different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
28951 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
28952%
28953In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
28954%
28955In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
28956out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
28957 -- Art Linkletter
28958%
28959In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
28960%
28961In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
28962In practice, there is.
28963%
28964In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
28965 -- Pliny the Elder
28966%
28967In this vale
28968Of toil and sin
28969Your head grows bald
28970But not your chin.
28971 -- Burma Shave
28972%
28973In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
28974 -- Benjamin Franklin
28975%
28976In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
28977thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
28978 -- H. L. Mencken
28979%
28980In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
28981So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
28982%
28983In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
28984not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
28985 -- Oscar Wilde
28986%
28987In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
28988%
28989In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
28990my advice.
28991 -- Winston Churchill
28992%
28993In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
28994employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
28995 -- Dr. L. J. Peter
28996%
28997In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
28998the supervision of a licensed engineer.
28999%
29000In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
29001A stately pleasure dome decree,
29002Where /bin, the sacred river ran
29003Through Test Suites measureless to Man
29004Down to a sunless C.
29005%
29006In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
29007 -- Napoleon
29008%
29009In war, truth is the first casualty.
29010 -- U Thant
29011%
29012In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
29013along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
29014%
29015In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
29016%
29017In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
29018 -- Pliny
29019%
29020In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
29021But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
29022%
29023In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
29024A stately pleasure dome decree:
29025Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
29026Through caverns measureless to man
29027Down to a sunless sea.
29028So twice five miles of fertile ground
29029With walls and towers were girdled round:
29030And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
29031Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
29032And here were forest ancient as the hills,
29033Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
29034 -- S. T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
29035%
29036In youth, it was a way I had
29037To do my best to please,
29038And change, with every passing lad,
29039To suit his theories.
29040
29041But now I know the things I know,
29042And do the things I do;
29043And if you do not like me so,
29044To hell, my love, with you!
29045 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
29046%
29047INCENTIVE PROGRAM:
29048 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
29049 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
29050 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
29051 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
29052 keep it."
29053%
29054Include me out.
29055%
29056Increased knowledge will help you now.
29057Have mate's phone bugged.
29058%
29059Incumbent, n.:
29060 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
29061 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29062%
29063Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
29064%
29065Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
29066`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
29067with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
29068 -- M. D. Epstein
29069%
29070INDEX:
29071 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
29072 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
29073%
29074Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
29075basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
29076is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
29077 -- Carolyn Jones
29078%
29079Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
29080%
29081Individualists unite!
29082%
29083Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
29084advance; insufferable in victory.
29085 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
29086%
29087infancy, n:
29088 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
29089about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
29090 -- Ambrose Bierce
29091%
29092Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
29093Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
29094 -- Ambrose Bierce
29095%
29096Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
29097%
29098Information Center, n.:
29099 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
29100to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
29101%
29102Information is the inverse of entropy.
29103%
29104Information Processing:
29105 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
29106 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
29107%
29108Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29109
29110 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
29111 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
29112 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
29113 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
29114 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
29115
29116 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
29117 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
29118 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
29119
29120 -- Colin Bowles
29121%
29122Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29123
29124 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
29125 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
29126 dressed as a man.
29127
29128 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
29129 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
29130 or similar.
29131
29132 On a Bucharest elevator:
29133
29134 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
29135 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
29136
29137 -- Colin Bowles
29138%
29139Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29140
29141 Various signs in Poland:
29142
29143 Right turn toward immediate outside.
29144
29145 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
29146
29147 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
29148
29149 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
29150
29151 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
29152 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
29153 on front of shirt.
29154
29155 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
29156%
29157ingrate, n:
29158 A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
29159 and then complains of indigestion.
29160%
29161Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
29162 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
29163%
29164Ink, n.:
29165 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
29166water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
29167intellectual crime.
29168 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29169%
29170Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
29171likes oneself.
29172 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
29173%
29174INNOVATE:
29175 Annoy people.
29176%
29177Innovation is hard to schedule.
29178 -- Dan Fylstra
29179%
29180INNUENDO:
29181 Italian enema.
29182%
29183Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
29184token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
29185 -- Wilson Mizner
29186%
29187Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
29188%
29189Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
29190the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
29191%
29192INSECURITY:
29193 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
29194 favorite words.
29195
29196 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
29197 the person who told it to you.
29198%
29199Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
29200%
29201Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
29202 hunting accident?"
29203Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
29204 -- Woody Allen
29205%
29206Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
29207%
29208Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
29209they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
29210anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
29211years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
29212 -- The Best of Will Rogers
29213%
29214Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
29215 -- Edgar W. Howe
29216%
29217Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated,
29218it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches.
29219It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter
29220how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can
29221hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control...
29222 -- Dave Crocker
29223%
29224Integrity has no need for rules.
29225%
29226Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
29227 -- Henry Spencer
29228%
29229Intellect annuls Fate.
29230So far as a man thinks, he is free.
29231 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
29232%
29233Interchangeable parts won't.
29234%
29235INTEREST:
29236 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
29237 burned out employees must feign.
29238%
29239Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
29240street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
29241invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
29242and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
29243 -- David Letterman
29244%
29245Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
29246best at, that's what I say.
29247 -- Doctor Who
29248%
29249Interpreter, n.:
29250 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
29251 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
29252 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
29253 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29254%
29255Into love and out again,
29256 Thus I went and thus I go.
29257Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
29258 Well and bitterly I know
29259All the songs were ever sung,
29260 All the words were ever said;
29261Could it be, when I was young,
29262 Someone dropped me on my head?
29263 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
29264%
29265Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
29266%
29267INTOXICATED:
29268 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
29269%
29270Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
29271
29272INSTRUCTION SET
29273 Code Mnemonic What
29274 0 NOP No Operation
29275 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
29276
29277Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
29278%
29279Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
29280%
29281Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
29282it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
29283 -- Bernard Cooke
29284%
29285I/O, I/O,
29286It's off to disk I go,
29287A bit or byte to read or write,
29288I/O, I/O, I/O...
29289%
29290IOT trap -- core dumped
29291%
29292IOT trap -- mos dumped
29293%
29294Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
29295 -- Crow T. Robot
29296%
29297Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
29298they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
29299little paper envelopes.
29300%
29301Iron Law of Distribution:
29302 Them that has, gets.
29303%
29304IRONY:
29305 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
29306 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
29307%
29308"Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
29309 -- Douglas Hofstadter
29310%
29311Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
29312%
29313Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
29314%
29315"Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
29316Or are we suffering in Safeway?"
29317 -- Zippy the Pinhead
29318%
29319Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
29320%
29321Is death legally binding?
29322%
29323Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
29324meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
29325a soap bubble?
29326%
29327Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
29328 -- Steven Wright
29329%
29330Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
29331%
29332Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
29333of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
29334and such as are out wish to get in?
29335 -- Ralph Emerson
29336%
29337Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
29338 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
29339%
29340Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
29341 -- Mae West
29342%
29343Is that really YOU that is reading this?
29344%
29345"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
29346"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
29347"The dog did nothing in the night-time."
29348"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
29349%
29350Is there life before breakfast?
29351%
29352Is this really happening?
29353%
29354Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
29355%
29356Isn't air travel wonderful?
29357Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
29358%
29359Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
29360person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
29361 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
29362%
29363Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
29364listen to weather forecasts and economists?
29365 -- Kelvin Throop III
29366%
29367Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
29368avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
29369would make them better prospects?
29370%
29371Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
29372there?
29373 -- Herb Caen
29374%
29375Isn't it strange that the same people that
29376laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
29377%
29378ISO applications:
29379 A solution in search of a problem!
29380%
29381Issawi's Laws of Progress:
29382 The Course of Progress:
29383 Most things get steadily worse.
29384 The Path of Progress:
29385 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
29386%
29387It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
29388as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
29389had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
29390"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
29391Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
29392came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
29393this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
29394Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
29395To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
29396your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
29397"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
29398%
29399It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
29400most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
29401 -- J. Sammet
29402%
29403It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
29404Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
29405It lies behind starts and under hills,
29406And empty holes it fills.
29407It comes first and follows after,
29408Ends life, kills laughter.
29409%
29410"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
29411any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
29412horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
29413existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
29414that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
29415thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
29416horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
29417horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
29418Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
29419have wings by not being Walter's horse.
29420
29421I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
29422then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
29423for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
29424necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
29425better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
29426 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
29427%
29428It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
29429 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29430%
29431It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
29432interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
29433for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
29434invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
29435was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
29436hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
29437carried me.
29438 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
29439%
29440It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
29441%
29442It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
29443pick up something from the floor while you get up.
29444%
29445It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
29446done and what you're going to do.
29447%
29448It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
29449%
29450It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
29451next morning it was someone else.
29452 -- Rogers
29453%
29454It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
29455which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
29456insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
29457than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
29458 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
29459%
29460It gets late early out there.
29461 -- Yogi Berra
29462%
29463It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
29464or both feet firmly planted in the air.
29465%
29466It hangs down from the chandelier
29467Nobody knows quite what it does
29468Its color is odd and its shape is weird
29469It emits a high-sounding buzz
29470
29471It grows a couple of feet each day
29472and wriggles with sort of a twitch
29473Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
29474a visiting uncle who's rich!
29475 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
29476%
29477It happened long ago
29478In the new magic land
29479The Indians and the buffalo
29480Existed hand in hand
29481The Indians needed food
29482They need skins for a roof
29483The only took what they needed
29484And the buffalo ran loose
29485But then came the white man
29486With his thick and empty head
29487He couldn't see past his billfold
29488He wanted all the buffalo dead
29489It was sad, oh so sad.
29490 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
29491%
29492It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
29493came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
29494applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
29495think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
29496wits, who believe that it is a joke.
29497 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
29498%
29499It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
29500most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
29501it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
29502 -- H. Warner Munn
29503%
29504It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
29505thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
29506drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
29507 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29508%
29509It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
29510that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that
29511one can learn."
29512 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
29513%
29514It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
29515been searching for evidence which could support this.
29516 -- Bertrand Russell
29517%
29518It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
29519and getting people under the influence.
29520 -- Jeremy Tunstall
29521%
29522It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
29523%
29524It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
29525or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
29526achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
29527good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
29528notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
29529infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
29530folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
29531their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
29532appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
29533and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
29534competence will be quite enough.
29535 -- The Underground Grammarian
29536%
29537It has long been an axiom of mine that the
29538little things are infinitely the most important.
29539 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
29540%
29541It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
29542manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
29543baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
29544is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
29545%
29546It has long been known that one horse can run faster
29547than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
29548 -- Lazarus Long
29549%
29550It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
29551indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
29552is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
29553of infanticide.
29554 -- Edmond About
29555%
29556It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
29557to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
29558 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
29559%
29560It is a lesson which all history teaches
29561wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
29562 -- Emerson
29563%
29564It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
29565%
29566It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
29567 -- Aeschylus
29568%
29569It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
29570my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
29571 -- Tom Lehrer
29572%
29573It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
29574it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
29575organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
29576manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
29577I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
29578 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
29579could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
29580three more than the schedule allowed.
29581 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
29582could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
29583it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
29584Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
29585their thumbs for ten months.
29586 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
29587program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
29588but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
29589it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
29590integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
29591estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
29592 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
29593%
29594It is a wise father that knows his own child.
29595 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
29596%
29597It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
29598What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
29599thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
29600 -- Alan Perlis
29601%
29602It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
29603Urbana, Illinois.
29604%
29605It is all right to hold a conversation,
29606but you should let go of it now and then.
29607 -- Richard Armour
29608%
29609It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
29610you are an exceptionally good liar.
29611 -- Jerome K. Jerome
29612%
29613It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
29614%
29615It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
29616pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
29617sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
29618 -- Voltaire
29619%
29620It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
29621they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
29622that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
29623much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
29624had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
29625conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
29626intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
29627
29628Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
29629destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
29630alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
29631misinterpreted ...
29632 -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy"
29633%
29634It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
29635 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
29636%
29637It is bad luck to be superstitious.
29638 -- Andrew W. Mathis
29639%
29640[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
29641 -- K&R
29642%
29643It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
29644coming up it.
29645 -- Henry Allen
29646%
29647It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
29648One in a million, perhaps.
29649%
29650It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
29651%
29652It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
29653%
29654It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
29655%
29656It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
29657%
29658It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
29659%
29660It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
29661%
29662It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
29663%
29664It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
29665%
29666It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
29667%
29668It is better to live rich than to die rich.
29669 -- Samuel Johnson
29670%
29671It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
29672%
29673It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
29674%
29675It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
29676and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
29677%
29678It is better to wear out than to rust out.
29679%
29680It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
29681freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
29682 -- Mark Twain
29683%
29684It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
29685admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
29686 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
29687%
29688It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
29689is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
29690 -- Descartes
29691%
29692It is convenient that there be gods, and,
29693as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
29694 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
29695%
29696It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
29697remember.
29698 -- Eugene McCarthy
29699%
29700It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
29701%
29702It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
29703incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
29704twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
29705 -- Rod Serling
29706%
29707It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
29708%
29709"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
29710lightly greased."
29711 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
29712%
29713It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
29714proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
29715better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
29716your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
29717attention, the harder the task.
29718 -- Sydney J. Harris
29719%
29720It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
29721%
29722It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
29723 -- Alfred Adler
29724%
29725It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
29726%
29727It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
29728 -- George Santayana
29729%
29730It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
29731 -- Leonardo da Vinci
29732%
29733It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
29734%
29735It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
29736%
29737It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
29738 -- Aeschylus
29739%
29740It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
29741of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
29742 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
29743%
29744It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
29745holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
29746is there, but speed him when he wishes.
29747 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
29748
29749 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
29750 referring to scheduling.]
29751%
29752It is exactly because a man cannot do a
29753thing that he is a proper judge of it.
29754 -- Oscar Wilde
29755%
29756It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
29757is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
29758last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
29759enough.
29760 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
29761%
29762It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
29763%
29764It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
29765without your help.
29766 -- Miss Manners
29767%
29768It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
29769%
29770It is fruitless:
29771 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
29772
29773 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
29774 innovative maneuvers.
29775%
29776It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
29777if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
29778 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
29779%
29780It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
29781 -- Robert Storm Petersen
29782%
29783It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
29784love does not lie in the ear.
29785 -- Walpole
29786%
29787It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
29788Boulevard at one time.
29789%
29790It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
29791%
29792It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
29793the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
29794case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
29795crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
29796 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
29797%
29798It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
29799%
29800It is impossible to defend perfectly
29801against the attack of those who want to die.
29802%
29803It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
29804unless one has plenty of work to do.
29805 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
29806%
29807It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
29808a tune.
29809 -- Woody Allen
29810%
29811It is impossible to make anything
29812foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
29813%
29814It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
29815certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
29816 -- Woody Allen
29817%
29818IT IS IN PROCESS:
29819 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
29820%
29821It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
29822but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
29823 -- Plutarch
29824%
29825It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
29826God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
29827 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
29828%
29829It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
29830wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
29831they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
29832like a happy married life.
29833 -- Oscar Wilde
29834%
29835It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
29836offense consists in doubting it.
29837 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
29838%
29839It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
29840 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29841%
29842It is much easier to suggest solutions
29843when you know nothing about the problem.
29844%
29845It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
29846%
29847It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
29848privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
29849corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
29850 -- George Bernard Shaw
29851%
29852It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
29853 -- Kingsley Amis
29854%
29855It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
29856%
29857It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
29858that makes life blessed.
29859 -- Goethe
29860%
29861It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
29862 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
29863 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
29864
29865It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29866 -- Gore Vidal
29867 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
29868%
29869It is not enough to have a good mind.
29870The main thing is to use it well.
29871 -- Rene Descartes
29872%
29873It is not enough to have great qualities,
29874we should also have the management of them.
29875 -- La Rochefoucauld
29876%
29877It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29878 -- Gore Vidal
29879%
29880It is not every question that deserves an answer.
29881 -- Publilius Syrus
29882%
29883It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
29884inscrutable workings of Providence.
29885 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
29886%
29887It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
29888and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
29889 -- Proverbs 19:2
29890%
29891It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
29892dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
29893she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
29894does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
29895dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the
29896dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
29897 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
29898%
29899It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
29900that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
29901 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
29902%
29903It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
29904the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
29905man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
29906blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
29907knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
29908worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
29909he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
29910or defeat.
29911 -- Teddy Roosevelt
29912%
29913It is not true that life is one damn thing after
29914another -- it's one damn thing over and over.
29915 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
29916%
29917It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
29918the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
29919wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
29920kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
29921big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
29922and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
29923kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
29924sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
29925 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
29926%
29927It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
29928 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
29929%
29930It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
29931%
29932It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
29933to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
29934chemistry.
29935 -- H. L. Mencken
29936%
29937It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
29938 -- Grace Murray Hopper
29939%
29940It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
29941virginity could be a virtue.
29942 -- Voltaire
29943%
29944It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
29945 -- Cervantes
29946%
29947It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
29948at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
29949is the only thing that makes the result come true.
29950 -- William James
29951%
29952It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
29953dignity.
29954%
29955It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
29956to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
29957 -- Havelock Ellis
29958%
29959It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
29960what is essential is invisible to the eye.
29961 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
29962%
29963It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK]
29964unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the
29965word "quack".
29966 -- Garrett Wollman
29967%
29968It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
29969anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
29970a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
29971way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
29972should be used in its proper place.
29973 -- Christopher Strachey
29974%
29975It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
29976 -- Maimie Van Doren
29977%
29978It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
29979have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
29980mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
29981 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
29982%
29983It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
29984rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
29985kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
29986 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
29987%
29988It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
29989his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
29990worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
29991day like any other day, only shorter.
29992 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
29993%
29994It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
29995sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
29996in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
29997too, shall pass away."
29998 -- Abraham Lincoln
29999%
30000It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
30001lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
30002high as the eagle?
30003%
30004It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
30005 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
30006%
30007It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
30008devil when he is the only explanation of it.
30009 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
30010%
30011It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
30012yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
30013%
30014It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
30015statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
30016to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
30017which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
30018highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
30019worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
30020 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
30021%
30022It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
30023 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30024%
30025It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
30026crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
30027until the other has gone.
30028%
30029It is the business of little minds to shrink.
30030 -- Carl Sandburg
30031%
30032It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
30033 -- Hawkwind
30034%
30035It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
30036set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
30037 -- Francis Bacon
30038%
30039It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
30040 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
30041%
30042It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
30043 -- Francis Bacon
30044%
30045It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
30046%
30047It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
30048lives, works and has his being.
30049 -- Thomas Carlyle
30050%
30051It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
30052straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
30053Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
30054%
30055It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
30056 -- Lloyd Kaufman,
30057 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
30058%
30059It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
30060It produces a false impression.
30061 -- Oscar Wilde.
30062%
30063It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
30064 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30065%
30066It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
30067 -- Roger Babson
30068%
30069It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
30070 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30071%
30072It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
30073%
30074It isn't easy being green.
30075 -- Kermit the Frog
30076%
30077It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
30078small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
30079computers.
30080%
30081It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
30082unhappy.
30083 -- Groucho Marx
30084%
30085It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
30086 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
30087%
30088It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
30089to Grandmother's condo.
30090%
30091It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
30092probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
30093 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
30094%
30095It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
30096%
30097It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
30098Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
30099 -- Princess Leia Organa
30100%
30101IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
30102a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
30103that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
30104
30105Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
30106 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
30107%
30108It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
30109to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
30110 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
30111%
30112It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
30113or lose.
30114 -- Darrin Weinberg
30115%
30116It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
30117good either if you speak when your head is empty.
30118%
30119It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
30120better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
30121 -- Lazarus Long
30122%
30123It may be that your whole purpose in life
30124is simply to serve as a warning to others.
30125%
30126It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
30127%
30128It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
30129doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
30130a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
30131by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
30132in those who would gain by the new ones.
30133 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
30134%
30135It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
30136that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
30137starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
30138 -- Arthur Binstead
30139%
30140It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
30141%
30142It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
30143%
30144It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
30145one's life and then come round.
30146 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
30147%
30148It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
30149%
30150It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
30151they'll come out for it.
30152 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood
30153 mogul Harry Cohn
30154%
30155"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory"
30156 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
30157%
30158It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
30159slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
30160more.
30161 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
30162%
30163It seems a little silly now, but this country
30164was founded as a protest against taxation.
30165%
30166It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
30167be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
30168unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
30169artificial lubrication or foreplay.
30170 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
30171 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
30172%
30173It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
30174 -- Chris Torek
30175%
30176It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
30177flag.
30178%
30179It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
30180language named "research student".
30181%
30182It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
30183%
30184It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
30185to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
30186and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
30187airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
30188average wife is like that.
30189 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
30190%
30191It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
30192municipality.
30193 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
30194%
30195It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
30196%
30197It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
30198%
30199It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
30200 -- Crazy Charlie
30201%
30202It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
30203%
30204It takes less time to do a thing right
30205than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
30206 -- H. W. Longfellow
30207%
30208It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
30209%
30210It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
30211may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
30212military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
30213the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
30214a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
30215officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
30216Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
30217 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
30218%
30219It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
30220but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
30221 -- Robert Benchley
30222%
30223It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
30224system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
30225some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
30226sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
30227 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
30228 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
30229%
30230It used to be the fun was in
30231The capture and kill.
30232In another place and time
30233I did it all for thrills.
30234 -- Lust to Love
30235%
30236It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
30237 -- Mark Twain
30238%
30239It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
30240%
30241It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
30242%
30243It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
30244since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
30245laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
30246 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
30247%
30248It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
30249never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
30250 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
30251%
30252"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
30253foot."
30254%
30255It was all so different before everything changed.
30256%
30257It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
30258when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
30259 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
30260%
30261It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
30262was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
30263 --- James Dent
30264%
30265It was one time too many
30266One word too few
30267It was all too much for me and you
30268There was one way to go
30269Nothing more we could do
30270One time too many
30271One word too few
30272 -- Meredith Tanner
30273%
30274It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
30275%
30276It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
30277thought Frito.
30278 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
30279%
30280It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
30281I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
30282don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
30283the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
30284charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
30285novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
30286yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
30287man a lifetime.
30288 -- Thomas Aldrich
30289%
30290It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
30291road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
30292and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
30293from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
30294The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
30295to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
30296man appeared out of an upstairs window.
30297 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
30298 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
30299would let me stay here for the night."
30300 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
30301okay with me."
30302%
30303It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
30304Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
30305 -- Hunter S. Thompson
30306%
30307It was wonderful to find America, but it
30308would have been more wonderful to miss it.
30309 -- Mark Twain
30310%
30311It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
30312 -- Tim Conway
30313%
30314It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
30315It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
30316%
30317It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
30318the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
30319%
30320It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
30321nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
30322examples.
30323 -- Charles Dickens
30324%
30325It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
30326warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
30327two things still safe to eat.
30328 -- Robert Fuoss
30329%
30330It would be nice to be sure of anything
30331the way some people are of everything.
30332%
30333It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
30334%
30335italic, adj:
30336 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
30337 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
30338 are often slanted to the left.
30339%
30340It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
30341%
30342It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
30343 -- Luke Skywalker
30344%
30345It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
30346 -- Danny Vermin
30347%
30348It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
30349and party!
30350 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
30351%
30352It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
30353 -- Andrew Jackson
30354%
30355It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
30356 -- Cheers
30357%
30358It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
30359%
30360It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
30361breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
30362%
30363It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
30364%
30365It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
30366when you lose yours.
30367 -- Harry S. Truman
30368%
30369It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
30370 -- Steven Wright
30371%
30372"It's a summons."
30373"What's a summons?"
30374"It means summon's in trouble."
30375 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
30376%
30377It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
30378 -- Churchy La Femme
30379%
30380It's all in the mind, ya know.
30381%
30382It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
30383 -- Mick Jagger
30384%
30385"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
30386any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
30387never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
30388out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
30389What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
30390flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
30391half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
30392then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
30393have thought it up, I wonder?"
30394 -- James Purdy
30395%
30396It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
30397%
30398It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
30399%
30400It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
30401 -- Alex Clark
30402%
30403It's amazing how many people you could be friends
30404with if only they'd make the first approach.
30405%
30406It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
30407%
30408It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
30409%
30410It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
30411 -- Michael Arlen
30412%
30413It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
30414but why do the rats always have to win?
30415%
30416It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
30417 -- Tom Stoppard
30418%
30419It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
30420 -- Marty Winch
30421%
30422It's better to burn out than to fade away.
30423%
30424It's business doing pleasure with you.
30425%
30426It's clever, but is it art?
30427%
30428It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
30429%
30430"It's easier said than done."
30431
30432... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
30433said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
30434said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
30435done".
30436%
30437It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
30438 -- Don Price
30439%
30440It's easier to get forgiveness for being
30441wrong than forgiveness for being right.
30442%
30443It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
30444 -- Washlesky
30445%
30446It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
30447it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
30448%
30449It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
30450%
30451It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
30452 -- Macy's
30453%
30454Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
30455in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
30456the ignorance of the community.
30457 -- Oscar Wilde
30458%
30459It's faster horses,
30460Younger women,
30461Older whiskey and
30462More money.
30463 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
30464%
30465It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
30466 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
30467%
30468It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
30469first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
30470kill somebody.
30471 -- Dorothy Sayers
30472%
30473It's gonna be alright,
30474It's almost midnight,
30475And I've got two more bottles of wine.
30476%
30477It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
30478even if most of them are bad.
30479%
30480It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
30481If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
30482%
30483It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
30484%
30485It's hard to drive at the limit, but
30486it's harder to know where the limits are.
30487 -- Stirling Moss
30488%
30489It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
30490 -- Groucho Marx
30491%
30492It's hard to keep your shirt on when
30493you're getting something off your chest.
30494%
30495It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
30496 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
30497%
30498It's hard to think of you as the end
30499result of millions of years of evolution.
30500%
30501It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
30502%
30503It's important that people know what you stand for.
30504It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
30505%
30506It's interesting to think that many quite
30507distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
30508%
30509It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
30510If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
30511our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
30512 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
30513%
30514It's just a jump to the left
30515 And then a step to the right.
30516Put your hands on your hips
30517 And pull your knees in tight.
30518It's the pelvic thrust
30519 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
30520
30521 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
30522
30523 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
30524%
30525It's just apartment house rules,
30526So all you 'partment house fools
30527Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
30528One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
30529 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
30530%
30531"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
30532 -- Walt Disney
30533%
30534It's later than you think.
30535%
30536It's later than you think, the joint
30537Russian-American space mission has already begun.
30538%
30539It's like deja vu all over again.
30540 -- Yogi Berra
30541%
30542It's Like This
30543
30544Even the samurai
30545have teddy bears,
30546and even the teddy bears
30547get drunk.
30548%
30549It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
30550you're going in the wrong direction.
30551%
30552It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
30553 -- Sam Goldwyn
30554%
30555It's multiple choice time...
30556
30557 What is FORTRAN?
30558
30559 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
30560 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
30561 c: Ridiculous.
30562%
30563Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
30564It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
30565 -- Mark Twain
30566%
30567It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
30568%
30569It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
30570a sickness you like.
30571 -- Jackie Mason
30572%
30573It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
30574to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
30575 -- George Burns
30576%
30577It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
30578%
30579It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
30580 -- Tom Lehrer
30581%
30582It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
30583 -- Phil White
30584%
30585It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
30586 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
30587%
30588It's not easy being green.
30589 -- Kermit
30590%
30591It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
30592 -- Alexander Korda
30593%
30594It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
30595 -- J. K. Galbraith
30596%
30597"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
30598 -- Cal Keegan
30599%
30600It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
30601what you're taking for it...
30602%
30603It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
30604%
30605It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
30606the ground.
30607 -- Daniel B. Luten
30608%
30609It's not that I'm afraid to die.
30610I just don't want to be there when it happens.
30611 -- Woody Allen
30612%
30613It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
30614%
30615It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
30616 -- Mae West
30617%
30618It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
30619 -- Garfield
30620%
30621It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
30622 -- Grantland Rice
30623%
30624It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
30625%
30626It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
30627%
30628It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
30629the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
30630"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
30631 -- Sydney J. Harris
30632%
30633It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
30634what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
30635 -- Roger Noe
30636%
30637It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
30638 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
30639 elected governor of California.
30640
30641[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
30642for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
30643%
30644It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
30645as a warning to others.
30646%
30647It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
30648poverty and wealth have both failed.
30649 -- Kim Hubbard
30650%
30651It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
30652%
30653It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
30654%
30655It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
30656society will take full responsibility for you.
30657%
30658It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
30659using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
30660only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
30661difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
30662results to humans.
30663
30664 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
30665%
30666It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
30667have been all over it.
30668 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
30669%
30670It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
30671 just to see if it's real,
30672Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
30673But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
30674So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
30675Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
30676 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
30677%
30678It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
30679%
30680It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
30681%
30682It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
30683 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30684%
30685It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
30686the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
30687 -- Franklin P. Jones
30688%
30689It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
30690boy gets another beer.
30691 -- Cheers
30692%
30693It's the thought, if any, that counts!
30694%
30695"It's today!" said Piglet.
30696"My favorite day," said Pooh.
30697%
30698It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
30699madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
30700%
30701It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
30702venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
30703 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
30704%
30705It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
30706know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
30707%
30708IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
30709 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
30710 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
30711 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
30712 inevitably unsuccessful.
30713 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
30714 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
30715 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
30716 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
30717 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
30718 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
30719 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
30720VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
30721 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
30722 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
30723 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
30724 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
30725 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
30726 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
30727 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
30728%
30729I've already told you more than I know.
30730%
30731I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
30732%
30733I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
30734when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
30735%
30736I've always made it a solemn practice to never
30737drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
30738 -- R. Nesson
30739%
30740I've been in more laps than a napkin.
30741 -- Mae West
30742%
30743I've Been Moved!
30744%
30745I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
30746 -- Totie Fields
30747%
30748I've been on this lonely road so long,
30749Does anybody know where it goes,
30750I remember last time the signs pointed home,
30751A month ago.
30752 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
30753%
30754I've been there.
30755%
30756I've built a better model than the one at Data General
30757For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
30758My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
30759My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
30760My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
30761You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
30762There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
30763My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
30764
30765I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
30766There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
30767Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
30768I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
30769
30770 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
30771 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
30772 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
30773%
30774I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
30775%
30776I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
30777It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
30778 -- Dennie van Tassel
30779%
30780I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
30781this little hole in the bottom ...
30782 -- John Croll
30783%
30784I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
30785%
30786I've got a very bad feeling about this.
30787 -- Han Solo
30788%
30789I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
30790 -- Henny Youngman
30791%
30792I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
30793 -- Stephen Wright
30794%
30795I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
30796 -- Groucho Marx
30797%
30798I've had one child. My husband wants to have another.
30799I'd like to watch him have another.
30800%
30801I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
30802on the same day.
30803%
30804I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
30805 -- Joel Halpern.
30806%
30807I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
30808be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
30809
30810Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
30811%
30812I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
30813 -- George Gobel
30814%
30815I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
30816 -- Calvin Coolidge
30817%
30818I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
30819 -- Keith Richards
30820
30821I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
30822bad taste.
30823 -- Keith Richards
30824%
30825I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
30826 -- W.C. Fields
30827%
30828I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
30829%
30830I've only got 12 cards.
30831%
30832"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
30833%
30834"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
30835 -- Senator Claghorn
30836%
30837I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
30838like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
30839indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
30840devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
30841I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
30842 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
30843%
30844I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
30845And from that full meridian of my glory
30846I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
30847Like a bright exhalation in the evening
30848And no man see me more.
30849 -- Shakespeare
30850%
30851I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
30852me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
30853 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30854%
30855Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
30856 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
30857 legislature is in session.
30858%
30859jake hates
30860 all the girls(the
30861shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
30862ones; the meek the girls(the
30863proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
30864all except the cold ones; the slim
30865 ones plump tiny tall)
30866 all except the
30867 dull ones
30868gus loves all the
30869 girls(the
30870warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
30871ones; the mad (the
30872moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
30873all except ones; the mean
30874 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
30875 all
30876 except the green ones
30877 -- e e cummings
30878%
30879James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
30880indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
30881 -- Tom Stoppard
30882%
30883James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
30884West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
30885"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
30886%
30887Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
30888east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
30889Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
30890because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
30891by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
30892grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
30893television?" and "Good night".
30894 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
30895 Letters, 1967
30896%
30897Japan, n:
30898 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
30899 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
30900 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
30901 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
30902 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
30903%
30904Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
30905%
30906Jenkinson's Law:
30907 It won't work.
30908%
30909Jesus Saves,
30910Moses Invests,
30911But only Buddha pays Dividends.
30912%
30913Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
30914You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
30915%
30916Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
30917you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
30918%
30919Jim Nasium's Law:
30920 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
30921 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
30922 each other so that everybody is cramped.
30923%
30924Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
30925I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
30926days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
30927%
30928Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
30929Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
30930to you. You gonna pay it?
30931%
30932JOB INTERVIEW:
30933 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
30934 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
30935%
30936job Placement, n:
30937 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
30938%
30939Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
30940 -- Snoopy
30941%
30942Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
30943Her voice was little more than a whisper.
30944 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
30945before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
30946I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
30947forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
30948your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
30949 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
30950whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
30951%
30952Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
30953%
30954jogger, n:
30955 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
30956%
30957John Dame May Oscar
30958Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
30959But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
30960Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
30961 -- Willard Espy
30962%
30963John Birch Society:
30964 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
30965 -- Edward P. Morgan
30966%
30967JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
30968
30969(George and Ringo miffed.)
30970%
30971John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
30972Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
30973Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
30974Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
30975The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
30976Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
30977And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
30978Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
30979 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
30980%
30981Johnny Carson's Definition:
30982 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
30983 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
30984 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
30985%
30986Johnson's First Law:
30987 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
30988 most inconvenient possible time.
30989%
30990Johnson's law:
30991 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
30992%
30993Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
30994Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
30995%
30996Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
30997exciting people, and kill them.
30998%
30999Join the march to save individuality!
31000%
31001Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
31002meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
31003%
31004Jones' First Law:
31005 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
31006 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
31007 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
31008 importance of their original contribution.
31009%
31010Jone's Motto:
31011 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
31012%
31013Jones' Second Law:
31014 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
31015 to blame it on.
31016%
31017Joshu: What is the true Way?
31018Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
31019J: Can I study it?
31020N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
31021J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
31022N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
31023 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
31024 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
31025 yourself as wide as the sky.
31026%
31027Journalism is literature in a hurry.
31028 -- Matthew Arnold
31029%
31030Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
31031%
31032Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
31033 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
31034 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
31035%
31036Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
31037reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
31038someone else's cash.
31039 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
31040%
31041Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
31042Pick one.
31043
310441: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
310452: It's cheaper than going to France.
310463: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
310474: Life is short.
310485: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
310496: It matches my eyes.
310507: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
310518: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
310529: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
3105310: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
3105411: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
3105512: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
31056%
31057Just a song before I go, Going through security
31058To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
31059Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
31060It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
31061When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
31062We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
31063And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
31064I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
31065She helped me with my suitcase,
31066She stands before my eyes,
31067Driving me to the airport
31068And to the friendly skies.
31069 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
31070%
31071Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
31072(and nobody cares about it).
31073 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
31074%
31075Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I
31076cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in
31077daydreams about women.
31078 -- George Bernard Shaw
31079%
31080Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
31081seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
31082totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
31083there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
31084the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
31085not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
31086sense of respect for the whole truth.
31087 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
31088%
31089Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
31090 -- Irene Peter
31091%
31092Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
31093%
31094Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
31095going to get hit.
31096 -- Joey
31097%
31098Just because the message may never be
31099received does not mean it is not worth sending.
31100%
31101Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
31102are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
31103what I mean.
31104 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
31105%
31106Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
31107 -- Bob Dylan
31108%
31109Just because your doctor has a name for your
31110condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
31111%
31112Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
31113%
31114Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
31115and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
31116 -- Glynda
31117%
31118Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
31119%
31120Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
31121get a prompt, type like hell.
31122%
31123Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
31124who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
31125about his or her love affairs.
31126 -- Rebecca West
31127%
31128Just machines to make big decisions,
31129Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
31130We'll be clean when their work is done,
31131We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
31132What a beautiful world this will be,
31133What a glorious time to be free.
31134 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
31135%
31136Just once, I wish we would encounter
31137an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
31138 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
31139%
31140"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
31141of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
31142 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
31143%
31144"Just remember, it all started with a mouse."
31145 -- Walt Disney
31146%
31147Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
31148twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
31149%
31150`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
31151 As he landed his crew with care;
31152Supporting each man on the top of the tide
31153 By a finger entwined in his hair.
31154
31155`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
31156 That alone should encourage the crew.
31157Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
31158 What I tell you three times is true.'
31159%
31160Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
31161a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
31162 -- Lionel Lauer
31163%
31164Just to have it is enough.
31165%
31166Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
31167of all the others, and then do what's best.
31168 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
31169%
31170Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
31171%
31172Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
31173faster rat!!!
31174%
31175Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
31176Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
31177I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
31178Just can't remember who to send it to...
31179
31180Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
31181I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
31182I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
31183But I always thought that I'd see you again.
31184Thought I'd see you one more time again.
31185 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
31186%
31187Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
31188 -- Michael J. Wagner
31189%
31190Justice is incidental to law and order.
31191 -- J. Edgar Hoover
31192%
31193Justice, n:
31194 A decision in your favor.
31195%
31196K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
31197 Cobol's wordy and confining;
31198 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
31199 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
31200 -- The Roguelet's ABC
31201%
31202Kafka's Law:
31203 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
31204 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
31205%
31206Kamikazes do it once.
31207%
31208KANSAS:
31209 Where the men are men and so are the women!
31210%
31211Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
31212wear tail lights.
31213%
31214Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
31215
31216For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
31217package of snack food.
31218
31219Gibson the Cat's Corrolary:
31220
31221For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
31222of lunch meat.
31223%
31224Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
31225Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
31226 at the conception.
31227 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
31228%
31229Katz' Law:
31230 Men and nations will act rationally when
31231 all other possibilities have been exhausted.
31232
31233History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
31234exhausted all other alternatives.
31235 -- Abba Eban
31236%
31237Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
31238 Population density is inversely proportional
31239 to the square of the distance from the keg.
31240%
31241Kaufman's Law:
31242 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
31243 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
31244%
31245Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
31246 -- Mae West
31247%
31248Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
31249%
31250Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
31251With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
31252Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
31253The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
31254Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
31255 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
31256%
31257Keep cool, but don't freeze.
31258 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
31259%
31260Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
31261%
31262Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
31263%
31264Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
31265 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
31266 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
31267 force is technically termed "car suck").
31268 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
31269 than "Watch this!"
31270 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
31271 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
31272 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
31273 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
31274 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
31275 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
31276 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
31277 in the head and knock you silly.
31278%
31279Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
31280 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
31281 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
31282 force is technically termed "car suck").
31283 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
31284 than "Watch this!"
31285%
31286Keep it short for pithy sake.
31287%
31288Keep on keepin' on.
31289%
31290Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
31291small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
31292 -- Joe Bonanno
31293%
31294Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
31295 -- D. Gries
31296%
31297Keep the phase, baby.
31298%
31299Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
31300%
31301Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
31302you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
31303at the end of six months.
31304 -- Moore
31305%
31306Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
31307%
31308Keep your Eye on the Ball,
31309Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
31310Your Nose to the Grindstone,
31311Your Feet on the Ground,
31312Your Head on your Shoulders.
31313Now... try to get something DONE!
31314%
31315Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
31316 -- Benjamin Franklin
31317%
31318Keep your laws off my body!
31319%
31320Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
31321Open it and you remove all doubt.
31322%
31323Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
31324automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
31325numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
31326driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
31327dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
31328what's wrong."
31329%
31330Kennedy's Market Theorem:
31331 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
31332 you've got to go broke.
31333%
31334Kent's Heuristic:
31335 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
31336%
31337kern, v:
31338 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
31339 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
31340 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
31341%
31342KERNEL:
31343 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
31344 traditions of sorcery and black art.
31345%
31346Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
31347 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
31348and parking for the faculty.
31349%
31350Kettering's Observation:
31351 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
31352%
31353Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
31354%
31355Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
31356travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
31357original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
31358teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
31359grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
31360teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
31361 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
31362%
31363Kill a commy for your mommy.
31364%
31365Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
31366%
31367Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
31368 -- Hindu saying
31369%
31370Kill Kill,
31371Hate Hate,
31372Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
31373%
31374Kill your parents.
31375 -- Jerry Rubin
31376%
31377Killing turkeys causes winter.
31378%
31379Kilroe hic erat!
31380%
31381Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
31382 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
31383%
31384Kin, n.:
31385 An affliction of the blood
31386%
31387Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
31388 -- Mark Twain
31389%
31390Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
31391 -- Muad'dib
31392%
31393Kington's Law of Perforation:
31394 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
31395 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
31396 part of the paper.
31397%
31398Kinkler's First Law:
31399 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
31400
31401Kinkler's Second Law:
31402 All the easy problems have been solved.
31403%
31404Kirk to Enterprise...
31405%
31406Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
31407%
31408Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
31409any of its streets.
31410%
31411Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
31412%
31413Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
31414 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
31415%
31416Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
31417%
31418Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
31419%
31420Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
31421%
31422Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
31423%
31424Kissing don't last, cookery do.
31425 -- George Meredith
31426%
31427Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
31428sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
31429 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
31430%
31431Kitchen activity is highlighted.
31432Butter up a friend.
31433%
31434Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
31435 -- Winston Churchill
31436%
31437Klatu barada nikto.
31438%
31439Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
31440%
31441Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within.
31442%
31443Kleptomaniac, n.:
31444 A rich thief.
31445 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31446%
31447Kliban's First Law of Dining:
31448 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
31449%
31450Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
31451100% Damage to life support!!!!
31452%
31453Kludge, n:
31454 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
31455 distressing whole.
31456 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
31457%
31458Knebel's Law:
31459 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
31460 causes of statistics.
31461%
31462Knights are hardly worth it.
31463I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
31464%
31465Knock, knock!
31466 Who's there?
31467Sam and Janet.
31468 Sam and Janet who?
31469Sam and Janet Evening...
31470%
31471Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
31472[chorus]
31473 Yeay!
31474 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
31475 Stay on the Happy side of life!
31476 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
31477 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
31478 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
31479
31480Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
31481 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
31482Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
31483 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
31484Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
31485 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
31486Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
31487 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
31488Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
31489 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
31490%
31491Knocked, you weren't in.
31492 -- Opportunity
31493%
31494Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
31495
31496-- No?
31497
31498GOOD!
31499%
31500Know Thy User.
31501%
31502Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
31503%
31504Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
31505 -- Henry N. Camp
31506%
31507KNOWLEDGE:
31508 Things you believe.
31509%
31510Knowledge is power.
31511 -- Francis Bacon
31512%
31513Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
31514 -- Aleister Crowley
31515%
31516Knowledge without common sense is folly.
31517%
31518Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
31519Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
31520Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
31521Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
31522Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
31523%
31524Kramer's Law:
31525 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
31526%
31527Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
31528 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
31529 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
31530%
31531LA:
31532 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
31533 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
31534 From mud slides to brush fires.
31535%
31536Labor, n.:
31537 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
31538 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31539%
31540Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
31541%
31542Lack of money is the root of all evil.
31543 -- George Bernard Shaw
31544%
31545Lackland's Laws:
31546 1. Never be first.
31547 2. Never be last.
31548 3. Never volunteer for anything.
31549%
31550Lactomangulation, n.:
31551 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
31552 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
31553 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
31554%
31555La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
31556%
31557Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
31558Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
31559I come before you to stand behind you
31560To tell you of something I know nothing about.
31561Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
31562There will be a convention held in the
31563Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
31564Admission is free, pay at the door,
31565Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
31566It was a summer's day in winter,
31567And the snow was raining fast,
31568As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
31569Stood sitting in the grass.
31570Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
31571Two dead men got up to fight.
31572Three blind men to see fair play,
31573Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
31574Back to back, they faced each other,
31575Drew their swords and shot each other.
31576A deaf policeman heard the noise,
31577Came and arrested those two dead boys.
31578%
31579Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
31580boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
31581the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
31582under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
31583to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
31584her.
31585 -- Billie Jean King
31586%
31587Lady, lady, should you meet
31588One whose ways are all discreet,
31589One who murmurs that his wife
31590Is the lodestar of his life,
31591One who keeps assuring you
31592That he never was untrue,
31593Never loved another one...
31594Lady, lady, better run!
31595 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
31596%
31597Lady Luck brings added income today.
31598Lady friend takes it away tonight.
31599%
31600Lady Nancy Astor:
31601 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
31602Winston Churchill:
31603 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
31604
31605Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
31606disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
31607sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
31608
31609 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
31610luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
31611helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
31612 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
31613white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
31614 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
31615her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
31616you would pin this on your white meat."
31617%
31618Ladybug, ladybug,
31619Look to your stern!
31620Your house is on fire,
31621Your children will burn!
31622So jump ye and sing, for
31623The very first time
31624The four lines above
31625Have been put into rhyme.
31626 -- Walt Kelly
31627%
31628Laetrile is the pits.
31629%
31630Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
31631each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
31632%
31633Lake Erie died for your sins.
31634%
31635((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
31636%
31637Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
31638duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
31639table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
31640manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
31641of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
31642candy, and said:
31643 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
31644%
31645Langsam's Laws:
31646 (1) Everything depends.
31647 (2) Nothing is always.
31648 (3) Everything is sometimes.
31649%
31650Language is a virus from another planet.
31651 -- William Burroughs
31652%
31653Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
31654Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
31655Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
31656 20,000 women.
31657 -- Lank and Earl
31658%
31659Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
31660[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
31661honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
31662he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
31663 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
31664%
31665Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
31666performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
31667 -- Lord Kalvin
31668%
31669Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
31670 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
31671times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
31672twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
31673driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
31674Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
316751970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
31676reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
31677 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
31678%
31679Larkinson's Law:
31680 All laws are basically false.
31681%
31682LASER:
31683 Failed death ray.
31684%
31685Last guys don't finish nice.
31686 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
31687%
31688"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
31689had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to
31690my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
31691 -- Steven Wright
31692%
31693Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
31694the pillow was gone.
31695 -- Tommy Cooper
31696%
31697Last night I met upon the stair
31698A little man who wasn't there.
31699He wasn't there again today.
31700Gee how I wish he'd go away!
31701%
31702Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
31703The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
31704 -- Stephen Wright
31705%
31706Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
31707I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
31708%
31709Last week's pet, this week's special.
31710%
31711Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
31712every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
31713I don't remember what it was.
31714 -- Stephen Wright
31715%
31716Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
31717%
31718Latin is a language,
31719As dead as can be.
31720First it killed the Romans,
31721And now it's killing me.
31722%
31723Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
31724%
31725Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
31726%
31727Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
31728%
31729Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
31730%
31731Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
31732%
31733Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
31734%
31735Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
31736 -- Victor Borge
31737%
31738Laura's Law:
31739 No child throws up in the bathroom.
31740%
31741Lavish spending can be disastrous.
31742Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
31743%
31744Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
31745force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
31746 -- Richard M. Nixon
31747%
31748Law of Communications:
31749 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
31750 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
31751 area of misunderstanding.
31752%
31753Law of Continuity:
31754 Experiments should be reproducible.
31755 They should all fail the same way.
31756%
31757Law of Probable Dispersal:
31758 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
31759%
31760Law of Selective Gravity:
31761 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
31762
31763Jenning's Corollary:
31764 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
31765directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
31766%
31767Law of the Jungle:
31768 He who hesitates is lunch.
31769%
31770Law of the Yukon:
31771 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
31772%
31773Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
31774 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
31775%
31776Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
31777%
31778Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
31779%
31780Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
31781 -- Otto von Bismarck
31782%
31783Laws of Computer Programming:
31784 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
31785 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
31786 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
31787 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
31788 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
31789 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
31790 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
31791 the programmer who must maintain it.
31792%
31793Laws of Serendipity:
31794
31795 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
31796 something.
31797 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
31798 be engaged in making an inferior one.
31799%
31800LAWSUIT:
31801 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
31802 -- Ambrose Bierce
31803%
31804Lawyer's Rule:
31805 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
31806 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
31807 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
31808%
31809Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
31810 -- S. J. Perelman
31811%
31812Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
31813 -- Shakespeare
31814%
31815Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
31816The reason, you will see, no doubt,
31817Is to keep the lightning out.
31818But what these unobservant birds
31819Have failed to notice is that herds
31820Of bears may come with buns
31821And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
31822%
31823Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
31824 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
31825 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
31826%
31827LAZY:
31828 Marrying a pregnant woman.
31829%
31830Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
31831is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
31832smaller -- and there are many more of them.
31833 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
31834%
31835Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
31836%
31837Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
31838%
31839Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
31840%
31841Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
31842%
31843LEARNING CURVE:
31844 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
31845 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
31846 quicker you can do it.
31847%
31848Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
31849everything else follows in the same way.
31850 -- Alan J. Perlis
31851%
31852Learning without thought is labor lost;
31853thought without learning is perilous.
31854 -- Confucius
31855%
31856Leave no stone unturned.
31857 -- Euripides
31858%
31859Lee's Law:
31860 Mother said there would be days like this,
31861 but she never said that there'd be so many!
31862%
31863Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
31864%
31865Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
31866fun?
31867%
31868Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
31869 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
31870unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
31871drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
31872can."
31873%
31874Leibowitz's Rule:
31875 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
31876 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
31877%
31878Lemma: All horses are the same color.
31879Proof (by induction):
31880 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
31881 horses in that set are the same color.
31882 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
31883 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
31884 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
31885 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
31886 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
31887 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
31888 horses are the same color.
31889Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
31890Proof (by intimidation):
31891 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
31892 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
31893 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
31894 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
31895 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
31896 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
31897 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
31898 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
31899%
31900Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
31901%
31902Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
31903%
31904Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
31905%
31906LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
31907 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
31908 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
31909 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
31910%
31911LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31912 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
31913 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
31914 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
31915%
31916LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31917 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
31918 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
31919 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
31920 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
31921%
31922Lesbian QOTD:
31923I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
31924%
31925Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
31926 -- Publilius Syrus
31927%
31928Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
31929%
31930Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
31931 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
31932%
31933Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
31934number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
31935another number.
31936 -- James Estes
31937%
31938Let me not to the marriage of true minds
31939Admit impediments. Love is not love
31940Which alters when it alteration finds,
31941Or bends with the remover to remove:
31942O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
31943That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
31944It is the star to every wandering bark,
31945Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
31946Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
31947Within his bending sickle's compass come;
31948Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
31949But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
31950If this be error and upon me proved,
31951I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
31952%
31953Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
31954%
31955Let me take you a button-hole lower.
31956 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
31957%
31958Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
31959George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
31960wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
31961of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
31962praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
31963Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
31964in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
31965for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
31966around his neck.
31967 -- Dave Barry
31968%
31969Let no guilty man escape.
31970 -- U. S. Grant
31971%
31972Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
31973%
31974Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
31975 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
31976%
31977Let sleeping dogs lie.
31978 -- Charles Dickens
31979%
31980Let the machine do the dirty work.
31981 -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
31982%
31983Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
31984 -- James Thurber
31985%
31986Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
31987 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
31988%
31989Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
31990they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
31991 -- Capone
31992%
31993Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
31994 -- Benjamin Franklin
31995%
31996Let us go then you and I
31997while the night is laid out against the sky
31998like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
31999
32000"Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
32001 -- Ezra
32002%
32003Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
32004The muttering retreats
32005Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
32006And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
32007Streets that follow like a tedious argument
32008Of insidious intent
32009To lead you to an overwhelming question...
32010Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
32011 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
32012%
32013Let us live!!!
32014Let us love!!!
32015Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
32016
32017You first.
32018%
32019Let us never negotiate out of fear,
32020but let us never fear to negotiate.
32021 -- John F. Kennedy
32022%
32023Let us not look back in anger or forward
32024in fear, but around us in awareness.
32025 -- James Thurber
32026%
32027Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
32028%
32029Let us treat men and women well;
32030Treat them as if they were real;
32031Perhaps they are.
32032 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
32033%
32034Let your conscience be your guide.
32035 -- Pope
32036%
32037L'etat c'est moi.
32038[The state, that's me.]
32039 -- Louis XIV
32040%
32041Let's do it.
32042 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
32043%
32044Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
32045%
32046Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
32047relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
32048really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
32049For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
32050I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
32051Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
32052 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
32053%
32054Let's love each other slowly,
32055reaching for a plane,
32056of exquisite pleasure,
32057and delicate pain.
32058 -- Adam Beslove
32059%
32060Let's not complicate our relationship
32061by trying to communicate with each other.
32062%
32063Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
32064%
32065Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
32066 -- Austen Briggs
32067%
32068Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
32069hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
32070Anguish. You would sue:
32071
32072* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
32073 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
32074 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
32075 in there".
32076
32077* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
32078 cretin like yourself.
32079
32080* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
32081 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
32082 a large cash settlement anyway.
32083 -- Dave Barry
32084%
32085Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
32086overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
32087dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
32088tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
32089spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
32090money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
32091probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
32092It's not his money.
32093 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
32094%
32095LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
32096
32097Dear Sir,
32098
32099I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
32100to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
32101public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
32102in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
32103will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
32104agricultural industry.
32105
32106Yours faithfully,
32107 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
32108 Sevenoaks
32109%
32110LEVERAGE:
32111 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
32112 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
32113%
32114Leveraging always beats prototyping.
32115%
32116Lewis's Law of Travel:
32117 The first piece of luggage out of the
32118 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
32119%
32120L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
32121 -- L. Pasteur
32122%
32123Liar, n.:
32124 A lawyer with a roving commission.
32125 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32126%
32127Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
32128 -- Oliver Herford
32129%
32130LIBERAL:
32131 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
32132%
32133Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
32134trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
32135 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
32136%
32137Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
32138 -- The Best of Will Rogers
32139%
32140Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
32141 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
32142%
32143LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
32144 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
32145 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
32146 is watching you, so stop staring like that.
32147%
32148LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
32149 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
32150 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
32151 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
32152 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
32153 disease.
32154%
32155LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
32156 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
32157 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
32158 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
32159 of bed today.
32160%
32161Lie, n.:
32162 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
32163discovered to date.
32164%
32165Lieberman's Law:
32166 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
32167%
32168Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
32169 -- Ma Barker
32170%
32171LIFE:
32172 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
32173%
32174LIFE:
32175 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
32176%
32177LIFE:
32178 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
32179%
32180Life -- Love It or Leave It.
32181%
32182Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
32183 -- Miss November, 1966
32184%
32185Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
32186 -- Paul Gauguin
32187%
32188Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
32189%
32190Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
32191It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
32192%
32193Life exists for no known purpose.
32194%
32195Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
32196being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
32197thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
32198system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
32199 -- Valerie Solanas
32200%
32201Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
32202environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
32203round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
32204%
32205Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
32206out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
32207 -- Woody Allen
32208%
32209Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
32210 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
32211%
32212Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
32213important than something else. If what already is, is more important
32214than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
32215isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
32216 -- Werner Erhard
32217%
32218Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
32219%
32220Life is a glorious cycle of song,
32221A medley of extemporania;
32222And love is thing that can never go wrong;
32223And I am Marie of Roumania.
32224 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
32225%
32226Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
32227 -- Helen Keller
32228%
32229Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
32230%
32231Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
32232change his bed.
32233 -- Charles Baudelaire
32234%
32235Life is a series of rude awakenings.
32236 -- R. V. Winkle
32237%
32238Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
32239humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
32240 -- Clarence Darrow
32241%
32242Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
32243%
32244Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
32245%
32246Life is an exciting business, and most
32247exciting when it is lived for others.
32248%
32249Life is both difficult and time consuming.
32250%
32251Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
32252%
32253Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
32254%
32255Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
32256 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
32257%
32258Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
32259%
32260Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
32261%
32262Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
32263%
32264Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
32265 -- C. Schultz
32266%
32267"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
32268eat it nevertheless."
32269 -- Flaubert
32270%
32271"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
32272%
32273Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
32274%
32275Life is like a sewer.
32276What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
32277 -- Tom Lehrer
32278%
32279Life is like a simile.
32280%
32281Life is like a tin of sardines.
32282We're, all of us, looking for the key.
32283 -- Beyond the Fringe
32284%
32285Life is like an analogy
32286%
32287Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
32288you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
32289%
32290Life is like an onion: you peel it off
32291one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
32292 -- Carl Sandburg
32293%
32294Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
32295layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
32296 -- James Huneker
32297%
32298Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
32299going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
32300being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
32301%
32302Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
32303the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
32304%
32305Life is not for everyone.
32306%
32307Life is one long struggle in the dark.
32308 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
32309%
32310Life is the childhood of our immortality.
32311 -- Goethe
32312%
32313Life is the living you do,
32314Death is the living you don't do.
32315 -- Joseph Pintauro
32316%
32317Life is the urge to ecstasy.
32318%
32319Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
32320%
32321"Life is too important to take seriously."
32322 -- Corky Siegel
32323%
32324Life is too short to be taken seriously.
32325 -- Oscar Wilde
32326%
32327Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
32328 -- Storm Jameson
32329%
32330Life is wasted on the living.
32331 -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
32332%
32333Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
32334 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
32335%
32336Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
32337 -- Don Reed
32338%
32339"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
32340 -- Marvin, from
32341 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
32342%
32343Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
32344it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
32345%
32346Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
32347Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
32348 -- Dag Hammarskjold
32349%
32350Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
32351certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
32352I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
32353afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
32354absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
32355embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
32356%
32357Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
32358 -- Thomas J. Kopp
32359%
32360"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"
32361 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
32362%
32363Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
32364 -- Sanka Ad
32365%
32366"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
32367weren't for other people"
32368 -- Blore
32369%
32370Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
32371 -- Dave Olson
32372%
32373Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
32374 -- George Bernard Shaw
32375%
32376Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
32377%
32378Lift every voice and sing
32379Till earth and heaven ring,
32380Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
32381Let our rejoicing rise
32382High as the listening skies,
32383Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
32384
32385Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
32386Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
32387Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
32388Let us march on till victory is won.
32389 -- James Weldon Johnson
32390%
32391Lighten up, while you still can,
32392Don't even try to understand,
32393Just find a place to make your stand,
32394And take it easy.
32395 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
32396%
32397LIGHTHOUSE:
32398 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
32399 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
32400%
32401LIKE:
32402 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
32403%
32404Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
32405the difference between one young woman and another.
32406 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
32407%
32408Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
32409shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
32410as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
32411bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
32412she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
32413man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
32414right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
32415 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
32416
32417The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
32418see her little dog Pritzi again.
32419 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
32420
32421It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
32422tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
32423was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
32424 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
32425
32426Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
32427named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
32428night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
32429worst possible novel.
32430%
32431Like corn in a field I cut you down,
32432I threw the last punch way too hard,
32433After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
32434To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
32435And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
32436I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
32437And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
32438And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
32439I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
32440 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
32441 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
32442 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
32443 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
32444 You know I can't think straight no more
32445 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
32446 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
32447 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
32448%
32449Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
32450weren't so damned great!
32451 -- Armistead Maupin
32452%
32453Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
32454if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
32455now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
32456like the Rolling Stones?
32457 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
32458 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
32459%
32460Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
32461It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
32462over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
32463His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
32464other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
32465religions.
32466 -- Benjamin Spock
32467%
32468Like punning, programming is a play on words.
32469%
32470Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
32471a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
32472 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
32473%
32474Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
32475for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
32476 -- Alan McKay
32477%
32478Like the time I ran away...
32479And turned around and you were standing close to me.
32480 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
32481%
32482Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
32483%
32484Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
32485creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
32486essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
32487the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
32488rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
32489 -- Senior Year Quote
32490%
32491Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
32492place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
32493
32494 Q -- Is there life after death?
32495 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
32496Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
32497then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
32498fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
32499spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
32500headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
32501to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
32502guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
32503as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
32504 -- Dave Barry
32505%
32506Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
32507wins few friends, Germans excepted.
32508 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
32509%
32510Limericks are art forms complex,
32511Their topics run chiefly to sex.
32512 They usually have virgins,
32513 And masculine urgin's,
32514And other erotic effects.
32515%
32516Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
32517Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
32518
32519Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
32520Kennedy in November 1960.
32521
32522Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
32523the theatre.
32524Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
32525to Dallas.
32526
32527Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
32528Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
32529
32530Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
32531Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
32532
32533The first Johnson was born in 1808.
32534The second Johnson was born in 1908.
32535
32536 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001
32537%
32538Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
32539%
32540"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
32541Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
32542
32543Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
32544in it he found that the damned things diverged.
32545 -- Piet Hein
32546%
32547Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
32548 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
32549Snoopy: That's nice to know.
32550 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
32551%
32552Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
32553 Maybe we should think only about today.
32554Charlie Brown:
32555 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
32556 will get better.
32557%
32558Linus' Law:
32559 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
32560%
32561Lions in the street and roaming,
32562Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
32563A beast caged in the heart of the city.
32564The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
32565He fled the town.
32566Went down south across the border,
32567Left the chaos and disorder
32568Back there, over his shoulder.
32569One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
32570A strange creature groaning beside him.
32571Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
32572Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
32573 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
32574%
32575LISP:
32576 To call a spade a thpade.
32577%
32578Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
32579Lisp Machine is Fun.
32580Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
32581Fun for everyone.
32582%
32583Lisp Users:
32584Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
32585%
32586Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
32587the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
32588but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
32589right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
32590But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
32591bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
32592This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
32593their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
32594that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
32595just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
32596a panacea so alleged.
32597 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the
32598 government been lacking in courage and boldness in
32599 facing up to the recession?"
32600%
32601Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
32602is the other way round.
32603 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
32604%
32605Littering is dumb.
32606 -- Ronald Macdonald
32607%
32608Little Fly,
32609Thy summer's play If thought is life
32610My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
32611Has brush'd away. And the want
32612 Of thought is death,
32613Am not I
32614A fly like thee? Then am I
32615Or art not thou A happy fly
32616A man like me? If I live
32617 Or if I die.
32618
32619For I dance
32620And drink & sing,
32621Till some blind hand
32622Shall brush my wing.
32623 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
32624%
32625Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
32626 -- Lazarus Long
32627%
32628Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
32629sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
32630%
32631Little Known Facts, #23:
32632 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
32633 the BMW repair garage?
32634%
32635Little Mary on the ice,
32636Went out to have a frisk,
32637Now wasn't little Mary nice,
32638Her pretty *?
32639%
32640Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
32641 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
32642%
32643Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
32644 -- James Dean
32645%
32646Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
32647%
32648Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
32649%
32650Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
32651published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
32652 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
32653%
32654Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
32655 -- Josh Billings
32656%
32657Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
32658you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
32659 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
32660%
32661Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
32662What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
32663%
32664Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
32665What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
32666%
32667Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
32668 -- Candice Bergen
32669%
32670Living in New York City gives people real incentives
32671to want things that nobody else wants.
32672 -- Andy Warhol
32673%
32674Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
32675like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
32676%
32677Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
32678includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
32679%
32680LIVING YOUR LIFE:
32681 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
32682%
32683Lizzie Borden took an axe,
32684And plunged it deep into the VAX;
32685Don't you envy people who
32686Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
32687%
32688Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
32689 -- Henry David Thoreau
32690%
32691Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
32692interest rates, we don't need it."
32693%
32694Lobster:
32695 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
32696 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
32697 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
32698 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
32699 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
32700 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
32701 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
32702 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
32703 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
32704 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
32705 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
32706 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
32707 you and your friends will be, too.
32708 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances
32709 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
32710%
32711Lockwood's Long Shot:
32712 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
32713 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
32714%
32715Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
32716 -- Marvin Minsky
32717%
32718Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.
32719%
32720Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
32721%
32722Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
32723%
32724Logicians have but ill defined
32725As rational the human kind.
32726Logic, they say, belongs to man,
32727But let them prove it if they can.
32728 -- Oliver Goldsmith
32729%
32730LOGO for the Dead
32731
32732LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
32733"The Other Side."
32734
32735The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
32736turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
32737graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
32738side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
32739your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
32740interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
32741lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
32742Bulletin Board System).
32743
32744LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
32745from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
32746 -- '80 Microcomputing
32747%
32748Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
32749%
32750Lonely is a man without love.
32751 -- Englebert Humperdinck
32752%
32753Lonely men seek companionship.
32754Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
32755%
32756Lonesome?
32757
32758Like a change?
32759Like a new job?
32760Like excitement?
32761Like to meet new and interesting people?
32762
32763JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
32764%
32765Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
32766be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
32767The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
32768 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
32769%
32770Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
32771%
32772Long life is in store for you.
32773%
32774Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
32775long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
32776pain and his aloneness without regret?
32777 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
32778%
32779Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
32780%
32781Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
32782%
32783Look at it this way:
32784Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
32785home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
32786And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32787%
32788Look at it this way:
32789Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
32790forget $26,000 of college education.
32791And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32792%
32793Look before you leap.
32794 -- Samuel Butler
32795%
32796Look ere ye leap.
32797 -- John Heywood
32798%
32799Look out! Behind you!
32800%
32801Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
32802to pay income taxes, too?
32803 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
32804%
32805Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
32806con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
32807country was built.
32808 -- Hubert Allen
32809%
32810Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
32811 -- Stephen Sondheim
32812%
32813Loose bits sink chips.
32814%
32815Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
32816 -- Charles D'Hericault
32817%
32818Lord, what fools these mortals be!
32819 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
32820%
32821Losing your drivers' license is just
32822God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
32823%
32824Lost: gray and white female cat.
32825Answers to electric can opener.
32826%
32827Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
32828%
32829Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
32830%
32831Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
32832 -- Frank Hubbard
32833%
32834Lots of girls can be had for a song.
32835Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
32836%
32837Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
32838Halstead, Kansas.
32839%
32840Louie Louie, me gotta go
32841Louie Louie, me gotta go
32842
32843Fine little girl she waits for me
32844Me catch the ship for cross the sea
32845Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
32846Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
32847(chorus) On the ship I dream she there
32848 I smell the rose in her hair
32849Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
32850It won't be long, me see my love
32851I take her in my arms and then
32852Me tell her I never leave again
32853 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
32854%
32855LOVE:
32856 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
32857%
32858LOVE:
32859 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
32860%
32861LOVE:
32862 When, if asked to choose between your lover
32863 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
32864%
32865LOVE:
32866 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
32867%
32868LOVE:
32869 When you don't want someone too close--
32870 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
32871%
32872LOVE:
32873 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
32874%
32875Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
32876%
32877Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
32878%
32879Love America - or give it back.
32880%
32881Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
32882%
32883Love at first sight is one of the greatest
32884labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
32885%
32886Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
32887 -- Sigmund Freud
32888%
32889Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
32890 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
32891%
32892Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
32893Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
32894 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
32895%
32896Love is a grave mental disease.
32897 -- Plato
32898%
32899Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
32900 -- Matt Groening
32901%
32902Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
32903over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
32904 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
32905%
32906Love is a word that is constantly heard,
32907Hate is a word that is not.
32908Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
32909Love, I have read, is hot.
32910But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
32911And Love but a drug on the mart.
32912Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
32913But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
32914 -- Ogden Nash
32915%
32916Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
32917go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
32918arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
32919%
32920Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
32921with the ideal never goes unpunished.
32922 -- Goethe
32923%
32924Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
32925 -- Dr. Karl Bowman
32926%
32927Love is being stupid together.
32928 -- Paul Valery
32929%
32930Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
32931around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
32932Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
32933%
32934Love is in the offing.
32935 -- The Homicidal Maniac
32936%
32937Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
32938%
32939Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
32940pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
32941grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
32942and unquenchable.
32943 -- Bruce Lee
32944%
32945Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
32946 -- Jerome K. Jerome
32947%
32948Love is never asking why?
32949%
32950Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
32951%
32952Love is sentimental measles.
32953%
32954Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
32955%
32956Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
32957raises some pretty good questions.
32958 -- Woody Allen
32959%
32960Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
32961 -- H. L. Mencken
32962%
32963Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
32964pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
32965 -- Charles Baudelaire
32966%
32967Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
32968 -- M. Hirschfield
32969%
32970Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
32971 -- Saint Exupery
32972%
32973Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
32974 -- H. L. Mencken
32975%
32976Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
32977%
32978Love is what you've been through with somebody.
32979 -- James Thurber
32980%
32981Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
32982%
32983Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
32984 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
32985%
32986Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
32987momentum.
32988%
32989Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
32990 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
32991%
32992Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
32993%
32994Love means never having to say you're sorry.
32995 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
32996
32997That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
32998 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
32999%
33000Love means nothing to a tennis player.
33001%
33002Love tells us many things that are not so.
33003 -- Krainian Proverb
33004%
33005Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
33006%
33007Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
33008 -- Louise Beal
33009%
33010Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
33011%
33012Love to eat them mousies,
33013Mousies I love to eat.
33014Bite they little heads off,
33015Nibble at they tiny feet.
33016 -- Kliban
33017%
33018Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
33019 seized this one for the fair form
33020 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
33021Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
33022 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
33023 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
33024Love brought us to one death.
33025 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
33026%
33027Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
33028trying to figure out what you're up to.
33029%
33030Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
33031 -- Benjamin Franklin
33032%
33033Lowery's Law:
33034 If it jams -- force it. If it
33035 breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
33036%
33037LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
33038%
33039Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
33040 There's always one more bug.
33041%
33042Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
33043British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
33044Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
33045nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
33046don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
33047beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
33048%
33049Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
33050 -- Russell Banks
33051%
33052Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
33053 -- P. E. Trudeau
33054%
33055Lucky, adj:
33056 When you have a wife and a cigarette
33057 lighter -- both of which work.
33058%
33059Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
33060%
33061Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
33062 Can't you be serious for once?
33063Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
33064 of the more important things in life!
33065 (pause)
33066 Tomorrow!!
33067%
33068Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
33069 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
33070%
33071Lunatic Asylum, n.:
33072 The place where optimism most flourishes.
33073%
33074Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
33075 -- Bergan Evans
33076%
33077Lysistrata had a good idea.
33078%
33079Ma Bell is a mean mother!
33080%
33081MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
33082%
33083"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
33084"What about X?"
33085"I said `intellectual'."
33086 ;login, 9/1990
33087%
33088Machine-Independent, adj.:
33089 Does not run on any existing machine.
33090%
33091Machine-independent program:
33092 A program that will not run on any machine.
33093%
33094Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
33095and play games -- but not with pleasure.
33096 -- Leo Rosten
33097%
33098Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
33099 -- Andy Warhol
33100%
33101Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
33102repairman arrives.
33103%
33104macho, adj.:
33105 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
33106%
33107Macho does not prove mucho.
33108 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
33109%
33110Mad, adj.:
33111 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
33112 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33113%
33114Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
33115if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
33116 -- W.C. Fields
33117%
33118Madison's Inquiry:
33119 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
33120%
33121Madness takes its toll.
33122%
33123MAFIA, n:
33124 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
33125Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
33126subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
33127rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
33128reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
33129operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
33130MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
33131variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
33132security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
33133more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
33134imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
33135options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
33136Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
33137powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
33138entire nodal aggravations.
33139 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
33140%
33141Magary's Principle:
33142 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
33143 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
33144 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
33145%
33146Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
33147%
33148Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
33149
33150Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
33151
33152The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
33153of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
33154with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
33155knowledge.
33156 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33157%
33158Magnocartic, adj:
33159 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
33160 carts.
33161 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
33162%
33163Magpie, n.:
33164 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
33165 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
33166 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33167%
33168MAIDEN AUNT:
33169 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
33170%
33171Maiden, n:
33172 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
33173 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
33174 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
33175 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
33176 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
33177 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
33178 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
33179 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
33180
33181Male, n:
33182 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
33183 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
33184 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
33185 -- Ambrose Bierce
33186%
33187Maier's Law:
33188 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
33189 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
33190
33191Corollaries:
33192 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
33193 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
33194 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
33195 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
33196%
33197Main's Law:
33198 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
33199%
33200Maintainer's Motto:
33201 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
33202%
33203Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
33204Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
33205Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
33206%
33207Major premise:
33208 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
33209Minor premise:
33210 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
33211Conclusion:
33212 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
33213
33214Secondary Conclusion:
33215 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
33216 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
33217%
33218Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
33219 as one man.
33220
33221Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
33222
33223Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
33224 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33225%
33226Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
33227 -- Robert Moses
33228%
33229Majority, n.:
33230 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
33231%
33232Make a wish, it might come true.
33233%
33234Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
33235%
33236Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
33237%
33238Make it right before you make it faster.
33239%
33240Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
33241 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
33242%
33243Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
33244%
33245Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
33246%
33247Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
33248tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
33249been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
33250message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
33251 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
33252%
33253Malek's Law:
33254 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
33255%
33256MALPRACTICE:
33257 The reason surgeons wear masks.
33258%
33259MAN:
33260 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
33261 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
33262 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
33263 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
33264 the whole habitable earth and Canada.
33265 -- A. Bierce
33266%
33267Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
33268 joke?"
33269
33270Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
33271
33272Man 1: ______TIMING!
33273%
33274Man and wife make one fool.
33275%
33276Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
33277 -- Wernher von Braun
33278%
33279Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
33280he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
33281all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
33282time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
33283far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
33284 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
33285%
33286Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
33287 -- Fred Allen
33288%
33289Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
33290%
33291Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
33292 -- Lily Tomlin
33293%
33294Man is a military animal,
33295Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
33296 -- P. J. Bailey
33297%
33298Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
33299to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
33300 -- Oscar Wilde
33301%
33302Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
33303no dog exchanges bones with another.
33304 -- Adam Smith
33305%
33306Man is by nature a political animal.
33307 -- Aristotle
33308%
33309Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
33310and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
33311 -- Wernher von Braun
33312%
33313Man is the measure of all things.
33314 -- Protagoras
33315%
33316Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
33317 -- Mark Twain
33318%
33319Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
33320with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
33321 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
33322%
33323Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
33324for he is the only animal that is struck with the
33325difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
33326 -- William Hazlitt
33327%
33328Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
33329 -- Arthur R. Miller
33330%
33331Man, n.:
33332 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
33333he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
33334occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
33335however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
33336habitable earth and Canada.
33337 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33338%
33339Man proposes, God disposes.
33340 -- Thomas a Kempis
33341%
33342Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
33343is an enemy.
33344 -- Albert Einstein
33345%
33346Man who arrives at party two hours late
33347will find he has been beaten to the punch.
33348%
33349Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
33350%
33351Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
33352%
33353Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
33354%
33355Man will never fly.
33356Space travel is merely a dream.
33357All aspirin is alike.
33358%
33359Management: How many feet do mice have?
33360Reply: Mice have four feet.
33361M: Elaborate!
33362R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
33363M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
33364R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
33365M: What? Feet with no legs?
33366R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
33367M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
33368R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
33369M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
33370R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
33371 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
33372 is not equipped with a foot.
33373M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
33374R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
33375 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
33376 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
33377M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
33378R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
33379 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
33380 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
33381 ornamental in nature.
33382M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
33383R: Mice have four feet.
33384%
33385MANAGEMENT:
33386 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
33387%
33388MANAGER:
33389 A man known for giving great meeting.
33390%
33391Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
33392Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
33393 don't think, right?"
33394 -- Dr. Who
33395%
33396man-hour, n:
33397 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
33398%
33399MANIC-DEPRESSIVE:
33400 Easy glum, easy glow.
33401%
33402Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
33403 -- Plotinus
33404%
33405Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
33406dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
33407man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
33408air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
33409primitive umpire.
33410
33411What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
33412mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
33413 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
33414%
33415Manly's Maxim:
33416 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
33417 with confidence.
33418%
33419Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
33420%
33421Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
33422%
33423Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
33424conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
33425 -- Sydney J. Harris
33426%
33427manual, n:
33428 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
33429 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
33430 you need is in the others.
33431 -- Ray Simard
33432%
33433Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
33434 -- George M. Cohan
33435%
33436Many a family tree needs trimming.
33437%
33438Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
33439is not so. It is so. It is not so.
33440 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
33441%
33442Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
33443get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
33444 -- Finley Peter Dunne
33445%
33446Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
33447can easily support two or more.
33448%
33449Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
33450except when he can't understand his own meaning.
33451 -- George D. Prentice
33452%
33453Many are called, few are chosen.
33454Fewer still get to do the choosing.
33455%
33456Many are called, few volunteer.
33457%
33458Many are cold, but few are frozen.
33459%
33460Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
33461%
33462Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
33463certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
33464devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
33465their data processing systems.
33466 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
33467%
33468Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
33469weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
33470weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
33471but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
33472he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
33473 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
33474%
33475Many hands make light work.
33476 -- John Heywood
33477%
33478Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
33479%
33480Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
33481the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
33482fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
33483Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
33484read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
33485by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
33486are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
33487successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
33488should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
33489while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
33490 -- Francis Galton, 1909
33491%
33492Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
33493tricks on me and treating me badly.
33494 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
33495%
33496Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
33497life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
33498 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
33499%
33500Many pages make a thick book.
33501%
33502Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
33503thin paper.
33504%
33505Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
33506which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
33507%
33508Many people are secretly interested in life.
33509%
33510Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
33511%
33512Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
33513%
33514Many people feel that if you won't let
33515them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
33516%
33517Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
33518recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
33519%
33520Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
33521%
33522Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
33523 -- Bertrand Russell
33524%
33525Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
33526%
33527Many receive advice, few profit by it.
33528 -- Publilius Syrus
33529%
33530Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
33531there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
33532was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
33533completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
33534 -- Walt Kelly
33535%
33536Margaret, are you grieving
33537Over Goldengrove unleaving?
33538Leaves, like the things of man,
33539You, with your fresh thoughts
33540Care for, can you?
33541Ah! as the heart grows older
33542It will come to such sights colder
33543By and by, nor spare a sigh
33544Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
33545And yet you will weep and know why.
33546Now no matter, child, the name
33547Sorrow's springs are the same:
33548It is the blight man was born for,
33549It is Margaret you mourn for.
33550 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
33551%
33552Marigold: Jealousy
33553Mint: Virute
33554Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
33555Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
33556Pansy: Thoughts
33557Peach blossom: I am your captive
33558Petunia: Your presence soothes me
33559Poppy: Sleep
33560Rose, any color: Love
33561Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
33562Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
33563Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
33564Rose, white: I am worthy of you
33565Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
33566Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
33567Rosemary: Remembrance
33568Sunflower: Haughtiness
33569Tulip, red: Declaration of love
33570Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
33571Violet, blue: Faithfulness
33572Violet, white: Modesty
33573Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
33574 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
33575%
33576Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
33577%
33578Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
33579who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
33580it in order to protect themselves.
33581 -- Lenny Bruce
33582%
33583Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
33584 Dentists are incapable of asking questions
33585 that require a simple yes or no answer.
33586%
33587MARRIAGE:
33588 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
33589 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
33590 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
33591%
33592MARRIAGE:
33593 Convertible bonds.
33594%
33595Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
33596insincerity possible between two human beings.
33597 -- Vicki Baum
33598%
33599Marriage causes dating problems.
33600%
33601Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
33602 -- Edmond About
33603%
33604Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
33605%
33606Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
33607not ready for an institution yet.
33608 -- Mae West
33609%
33610Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
33611surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
33612 -- James Garner
33613%
33614Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
33615%
33616Marriage is a three ring circus:
33617engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
33618 -- Roger Price
33619%
33620Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
33621to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
33622%
33623Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
33624exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
33625in the brewery.
33626 -- George Jean Nathan
33627%
33628Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
33629%
33630Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
33631chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
33632%
33633Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
33634 -- Baskins
33635%
33636Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
33637burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
33638 -- Calvin Trillin
33639%
33640Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
33641 -- Voltaire
33642%
33643Marriage is the process of finding out what
33644kind of man your wife would have preferred.
33645%
33646Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
33647%
33648Marriage, n:
33649 The evil aye.
33650%
33651Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
33652 -- John Lyly
33653%
33654Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
33655%
33656MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
33657connected by a thin strand.
33658
33659Come on, Marta, grow up.
33660 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
33661%
33662MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
33663of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
33664territory from invasion by another group."
33665
33666"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
33667 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
33668%
33669Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
33670Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
33671 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
33672%
33673'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
33674 -- George Bernard Shaw
33675%
33676Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
33677What a finely tuned response to the situation!
33678%
33679Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
33680and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
33681Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
33682grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
33683 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
33684named a drink Fred?"
33685%
33686Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
33687 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
33688%
33689Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
33690And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
33691It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
33692It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
33693She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
33694And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
33695It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
33696The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
33697The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
33698Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
33699Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
33700So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
33701 -- Alma Garcia
33702%
33703Maryann's Law:
33704 You can always find what you're not looking for.
33705%
33706Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
33707the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
33708dancing.
33709 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
33710%
33711Maslow's Maxim:
33712 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
33713 you treat everything like a nail.
33714%
33715Mason's First Law of Synergism:
33716The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
33717%
33718Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
33719%
33720Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
33721 -- Christopher Hampton
33722%
33723Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
33724 -- Monty Python
33725%
33726Mater artium necessitas.
33727 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
33728%
33729Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
33730 -- Malcolm Smith
33731%
33732MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
33733 Please, don't drink and derive.
33734
33735 Mathematicians
33736 Against
33737 Drunk
33738 Deriving
33739%
33740Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
33741 -- R. Drabek
33742%
33743mathematician, n:
33744 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
33745%
33746Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
33747into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
33748 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
33749%
33750Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
33751described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
33752play.
33753 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
33754 James Blish
33755%
33756Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
33757 -- Henry Adams
33758%
33759Mathematicians take it to the limit.
33760%
33761Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
33762to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
33763 -- Albert Einstein
33764%
33765Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
33766one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
33767 -- Russell
33768%
33769Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
33770a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
33771part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
33772yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
33773greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
33774of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
33775to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
33776 -- Bertrand Russell
33777%
33778Matrimony is the root of all evil.
33779%
33780Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
33781%
33782Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
33783nor can it be returned without a receipt.
33784%
33785Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
33786%
33787[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
33788where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
33789more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
33790 -- S. Kierkegaard
33791%
33792Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
33793 -- Jules Feiffer
33794%
33795Matz's Law:
33796 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
33797%
33798May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
33799versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
33800%
33801May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
33802%
33803May all your PUSHes be POPped.
33804%
33805May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
33806%
33807May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
33808%
33809May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
33810%
33811May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
33812%
33813May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
33814God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
33815he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
33816%
33817May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
33818%
33819May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
33820%
33821May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
33822%
33823May you have warm words on a cold evening,
33824a full moon on a dark night,
33825and a smooth road all the way to your door.
33826%
33827May you live in uninteresting times.
33828 -- Chinese proverb
33829%
33830May your camel be as swift as the wind.
33831%
33832May your SO always know when you need a hug.
33833%
33834May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
33835Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
33836%
33837Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
33838lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
33839 -- Will Rogers
33840%
33841Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
33842 -- R. S. Barton
33843%
33844Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
33845earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
33846 -- Lazarus Long
33847%
33848"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
33849%
33850"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
33851other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
33852had to seek professional help."
33853%
33854Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
33855these days you can certainly charge it.
33856%
33857May's Law:
33858 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
33859 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
33860%
33861McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
33862%
33863McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
33864 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
33865 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
33866%
33867McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
33868 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
33869$19.95.
33870%
33871Meader's Law:
33872 Whatever happens to you, it will previously
33873 have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
33874%
33875Meade's Maxim:
33876Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
33877just like everyone else.
33878%
33879Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
33880Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
33881[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
33882AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
33883[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
33884Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
33885Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
33886Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
33887Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
33888Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
33889Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
33890Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
33891"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
33892Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
33893Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
33894Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
33895Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
33896Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
33897%
33898Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
33899has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
33900moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
33901magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
33902have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
33903get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
33904of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
33905oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
33906hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
33907venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
33908bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
33909aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
33910arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
33911of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
33912to mouth...
33913%
33914Measure twice, cut once.
33915%
33916Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
33917 -- Frederick Crane
33918%
33919Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
33920%
33921Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
33922%
33923meeting, n:
33924 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
33925 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
33926%
33927MEETINGS:
33928 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
33929%
33930Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
33931corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
33932in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
33933 -- Dave Barry
33934%
33935MEMO:
33936 An interoffice communication too often written more for
33937 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
33938 who receives it.
33939%
33940MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
33941remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
33942drive and drive.
33943
33944I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
33945smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
33946played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
33947some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
33948
33949I guess some things never leave you.
33950 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
33951%
33952Memory fault -- brain fried
33953%
33954Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
33955%
33956Memory fault - where am I?
33957%
33958Memory should be the starting point of the present.
33959%
33960Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
33961 -- Marilyn Monroe
33962%
33963Men are superior to women.
33964 -- The Koran
33965%
33966Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
33967 -- Jayne Mansfield
33968%
33969Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
33970They're attracted by what I don't mind...
33971 -- Gypsy Rose Lee
33972%
33973Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
33974 -- Julius Caesar
33975%
33976Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
33977thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
33978 -- H. L. Mencken
33979%
33980Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
33981rights as women have of their wrongs.
33982 -- E. W. Howe
33983%
33984Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
33985%
33986Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
33987%
33988Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
33989from religious conviction.
33990 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens�es", 1670
33991%
33992Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
33993 -- Dorothy Parker
33994%
33995Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
33996pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
33997 -- Winston Churchill
33998%
33999Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
34000 -- Leonardo da Vinci
34001%
34002Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
34003%
34004Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
34005at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
34006%
34007Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
34008pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
34009and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
34010inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
34011sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
34012and acts that are contrary to habit...
34013 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
34014%
34015Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
34016 -- DeSegur
34017%
34018Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
34019%
34020Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
34021%
34022Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
34023 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
34024%
34025Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
34026and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
34027 -- Voltaire
34028%
34029Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
34030from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
34031Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
34032before. Thus was the Empire forged.
34033 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
34034%
34035Men who cherish for women the highest
34036respect are seldom popular with them.
34037 -- Joseph Addison
34038%
34039Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
34040 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
34041%
34042Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
34043 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
34044cork makes when it is popped.
34045%
34046Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
34047 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
34048%
34049Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
34050 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
34051is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
34052never hope to acquire it.
34053%
34054Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
34055%
34056Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
34057it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
34058very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
34059tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
34060 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
34061 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
34062 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
34063... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
34064cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
34065billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even
34066more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a
34067fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
34068older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
34069obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
34070window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
34071hotshot cells moving up from below.
34072 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
34073%
34074Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
34075corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
34076favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
34077 -- Piers Anthony
34078%
34079Mental things which have not gone in through the
34080senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
34081 -- Leonardo
34082%
34083Menu, n.:
34084 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
34085%
34086Meskimen's Law:
34087 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
34088 do it over.
34089%
34090MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
34091%
34092Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
34093%
34094Message will arrive in the mail.
34095Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
34096%
34097METEOROLOGIST:
34098 One who doubts the established fact that it is
34099 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
34100%
34101Metermaids eat their young.
34102%
34103methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
34104ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
34105phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
34106taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
34107glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
34108nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
34109minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
34110cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
34111leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
34112cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
34113lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
34114sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
34115cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
34116nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
34117nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
34118partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
34119glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
34120valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
34121cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
34122nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
34123rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
34124glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
34125sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
34126lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
34127glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
34128 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
34129 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
34130 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
34131%
34132Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
34133%
34134MICRO:
34135 Thinker toys.
34136%
34137Micro Credo:
34138 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
34139%
34140Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
34141%
34142"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
34143watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
34144%
34145Microwaves frizz your heir.
34146%
34147Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
34148%
34149Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
34150get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
34151 -- Casablanca
34152%
34153Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
34154Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
34155 inconsiderate."
34156 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
34157%
34158Miksch's Law:
34159 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
34160%
34161Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
34162%
34163Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
34164 -- Groucho Marx
34165%
34166Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
34167 -- Groucho Marx
34168%
34169Miller's Slogan:
34170 Lose a few, lose a few.
34171%
34172millihelen, adj:
34173 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
34174%
34175Millions long for immortality who do not know what
34176to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
34177 -- Susan Ertz
34178%
34179Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
34180almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
34181they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
34182President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
34183lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
34184stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
34185Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
34186Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
34187the gold and the black.
34188 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
34189%
34190Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
34191particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
34192to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
34193But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
34194shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
34195me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
34196%
34197"Mind if I smoke?"
34198 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
34199%
34200"Mind if I smoke?"
34201 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
34202%
34203Mind your own business, Spock.
34204I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
34205%
34206Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
34207%
34208Minicomputer:
34209 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
34210 manager.
34211%
34212Minnesota --
34213 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
34214 mosquito supplier to the free world.
34215 come fall in love with a loon.
34216 where visitors turn blue with envy.
34217 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
34218 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
34219 where the elite meet sleet.
34220 glove it or leave it.
34221 many are cold, but few are frozen.
34222 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
34223 land of 10,000 Petersons.
34224%
34225Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
34226%
34227Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
34228pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
34229%
34230MIPS:
34231 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
34232%
34233Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
34234 -- Jean Cocteau
34235%
34236Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
34237%
34238Misery no longer loves company.
34239Nowadays it insists on it.
34240 -- Russell Baker
34241%
34242Misfortune, n.:
34243 The kind of fortune that never misses.
34244 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34245%
34246Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
34247%
34248Miss, n.:
34249 A title with which we brand unmarried
34250 women to indicate that they are in the market.
34251 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34252%
34253Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
34254%
34255Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
34256%
34257MIT:
34258 The Georgia Tech of the North
34259%
34260Mitchell's Law of Committees:
34261 Any simple problem can be made insoluble
34262 if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
34263%
34264mittsquinter, adj:
34265 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
34266 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
34267 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
34268%
34269Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
34270it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
34271 -- Horace
34272%
34273mixed emotions:
34274 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
34275 With five empty seats.
34276%
34277Mix's Law:
34278 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
34279 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
34280%
34281Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
34282%
34283MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
34284
34285 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
342862 cups water 2 cups sugar
342872 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
34288 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
34289 Cinnamon
34290
34291Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
34292RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
34293and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
34294juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
34295with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
34296crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
34297steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
34298is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
34299 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
34300%
34301Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
34302 -- P. J. Denning
34303%
34304modem, adj:
34305 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
34306 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
34307%
34308Moderation in all things.
34309 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
34310%
34311Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
34312 -- Oscar Wilde
34313%
34314Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
34315themselves that they have a better idea.
34316 -- John Ciardi
34317%
34318Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
34319%
34320Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
34321function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
34322other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
34323brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
34324Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
34325conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
34326is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
34327assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
34328Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
34329logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
34330 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior:
34331 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949
34332%
34333MODESTY:
34334 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
34335%
34336Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
34337 -- J. K. Galbraith
34338%
34339Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
34340 not to be aware of it.
34341 -- Oliver Herford
34342%
34343Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
34344Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
34345Moe: So?
34346Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
34347%
34348Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
34349Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
34350%
34351Moebius always does it on the same side.
34352%
34353Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
34354how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
34355The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
34356%
34357Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
34358in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
34359hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
34360the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
34361but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
34362So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
34363over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
34364the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
34365the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
34366awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
34367woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
34368 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
34369%
34370Molecule, n.:
34371 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
34372 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
34373 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
34374 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
34375 the atom in that it is an ion...
34376 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34377%
34378Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
34379 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
34380 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
34381%
34382MOMENTUM:
34383 What you give a person when they are going away.
34384%
34385Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
34386%
34387Mom's Law:
34388 When they finally do have to take you to the
34389 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
34390%
34391MONDAY:
34392 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
34393 -- Ambrose Bierce
34394%
34395Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
34396%
34397Monday, n.:
34398 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
34399 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34400%
34401Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
34402things we have.
34403 -- The Best of Will Rogers
34404%
34405Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
34406%
34407Money cannot buy
34408The fuel of love
34409but is excellent kindling.
34410
34411To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
34412Is a keen observer of life,
34413The word intellectual suggests right away
34414A man who's untrue to his wife.
34415 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
34416%
34417Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
34418awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
34419 -- C. B. Luce
34420%
34421Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
34422 -- Christopher Marlowe
34423%
34424Money doesn't talk, it swears.
34425 -- Bob Dylan
34426%
34427Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
34428 -- Lazarus Long
34429%
34430Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
34431%
34432Money is its own reward.
34433%
34434Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
34435%
34436Money is the root of all wealth.
34437%
34438Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
34439 -- Lazarus Long
34440%
34441Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
34442 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
34443%
34444Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
34445%
34446Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
34447puts you in a great bargaining position.
34448%
34449Money will say more in one moment than
34450the most eloquent lover can in years.
34451%
34452Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
34453 -- Andries van Dam
34454%
34455Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
34456 -- H. H. Munro
34457%
34458MONOTONY:
34459 Marriage to one woman at a time.
34460%
34461MONTANA:
34462 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
34463%
34464MONTANA:
34465 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
34466%
34467Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
34468in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
34469of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
34470 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
34471%
34472moon, n:
34473 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
34474hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
34475%
34476Moore's Constant:
34477 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
34478 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
34479%
34480mophobia, n:
34481 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
34482%
34483More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
34484 -- Vauvenargues
34485%
34486"More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
34487necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
34488blind stupidity"
34489 -- W. A. Wulf
34490%
34491More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
34492 -- R. S. Surtees
34493%
34494More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
34495%
34496More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
34497%
34498MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
34499The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
34500night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
34501waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
34502the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
34503broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
34504the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
34505At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
34506full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
34507%
34508More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
34509leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
34510Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
34511 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
34512%
34513Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
34514religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
34515One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
34516man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
34517just once?"
34518 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
34519nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
34520I just want to win one little lottery."
34521 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
34522least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
34523%
34524Morton's Law:
34525 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
34526%
34527Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
34528wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
34529 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
34530%
34531Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
34532 Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
34533 If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
34534%
34535MOSQUITO:
34536 The state bird of New Jersey.
34537%
34538Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
34539%
34540Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
34541because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
34542and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
34543eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
34544and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
34545female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
34546dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
34547by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
34548truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
34549them that it doesn't make any difference.
34550 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
34551 Teen Should Know"
34552%
34553Most folks they like the daytime,
34554 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
34555They're up in the morning,
34556 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
34557But when the sun goes down,
34558 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
34559
34560Now there are two sides to this great big world,
34561 and one of them is always night.
34562If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
34563 I guess you're gonna be all right.
34564Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
34565 My eyes just can't stand the light.
34566
34567'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
34568 -- Carly Simon
34569%
34570Most general statements are false, including this one.
34571 -- Alexander Dumas
34572%
34573Most of our lives are about proving something,
34574either to ourselves or to someone else.
34575%
34576Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
34577difficulties before we get to them.
34578 -- Dr. Frank Crane
34579%
34580...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
34581useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
34582hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
34583and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
34584lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
34585which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
34586speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
34587of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
34588has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
34589 -- Alix Kates Shulman
34590%
34591Most of your faults are not your fault.
34592%
34593Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
34594%
34595Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
34596they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
34597to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
34598moon.
34599 -- H. L. Mencken
34600%
34601Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
34602%
34603Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
34604than they do.
34605 -- Turgenev
34606%
34607Most people deserve each other.
34608 -- Shirley
34609%
34610Most people don't need a great deal of love
34611nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
34612%
34613Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
34614 -- E. W. Howe
34615%
34616Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
34617%
34618Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
34619only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
34620quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
34621 -- W. S. Maugham
34622%
34623Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
34624%
34625Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
34626a good reason, and the real reason.
34627%
34628Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
34629at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
34630 -- Susan Sontag
34631%
34632Most people need some of their problems
34633to help take their mind off some of the others.
34634%
34635Most people prefer certainty to truth.
34636%
34637Most people want either less corruption
34638or more of a chance to participate in it.
34639%
34640Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
34641if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
34642%
34643Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
34644 -- Frank Zappa
34645%
34646Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
34647%
34648Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
34649%
34650Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
34651can't talk for people who can't read.
34652 -- Frank Zappa
34653%
34654Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
34655%
34656Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
34657 -- Richard Lewis
34658%
34659MOTHER:
34660 Half a word.
34661%
34662Mother Earth is not flat!
34663%
34664Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
34665 -- Arnold Bennett
34666%
34667Mother is the invention of necessity.
34668%
34669Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
34670would be so many.
34671%
34672Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
34673%
34674Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
34675don't want them to become politicians in the process.
34676 -- John F. Kennedy
34677%
34678Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
34679Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
34680 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
34681%
34682Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
34683%
34684MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
34685%
34686Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
34687of the day.
34688%
34689Mr. Cole's Axiom:
34690 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
34691 population is growing.
34692%
34693Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
34694the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
34695shirts but they're going back.
34696%
34697Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
34698you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
34699%
34700Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
34701renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
34702at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
34703%
34704Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
34705Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
34706lessons or what?
34707%
34708Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
34709When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
34710wrong, "Up to a point."
34711 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
34712Yokohama isn't it?"
34713 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
34714 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
34715 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
34716 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
34717%
34718MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
34719 -- Henry Spencer
34720%
34721Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
34722consultants, and at some point you time them out.
34723 -- Craig Partridge
34724%
34725Much of the excitement we get out of our work
34726is that we don't really know what we are doing.
34727 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
34728%
34729Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
34730He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
34731"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
34732 be shared."
34733But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
34734First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
34735"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
34736But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
34737"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
34738 with prawns,
34739Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
34740But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
34741His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
34742And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
34743His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
34744And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
34745and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
34746None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
34747%
34748Multics is security spelled sideways.
34749%
34750"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
34751365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
34752Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
34753tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
34754smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
34755than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
34756An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
34757as much fun to watch.
34758 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
34759%
34760MUMMY:
34761 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
34762%
34763Mummy dust to make me old;
34764To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
34765To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
34766To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
34767A blast of wind to fan my hate;
34768A thunderbolt to mix it well --
34769Now begin thy magic spell!
34770 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
34771%
34772Mum's the word.
34773 -- Miguel de Cervantes
34774%
34775Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
34776 -- Xaviera Hollander
34777
34778[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
34779%
34780Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
34781talk about after dinner.
34782 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
34783%
34784Murphy was an optimist.
34785%
34786Murphy's Discovery:
34787 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
34788women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
34789will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
34790trouble!
34791%
34792Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
34793%
34794Murphy's Law of Research:
34795 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
34796%
34797Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
34798 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
34799%
34800Murphy's Laws:
34801 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
34802 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
34803 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
34804%
34805Murray's Rule:
34806 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
34807%
34808Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
34809 -- Lao Tsu
34810%
34811Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
34812%
34813Must I hold a candle to my shames?
34814 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
34815%
34816Mustgo, n.:
34817 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
34818long it has become a science project.
34819 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
34820%
34821My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
34822 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
34823%
34824My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
34825 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
34826Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
34827 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
34828'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
34829
34830And you know two heads are better than one.
34831%
34832My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
34833threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
34834First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
34835frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
34836the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
34837forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
34838perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
34839the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
34840crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
34841symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
34842in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
34843really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
34844OK.
34845 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
34846%
34847My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
34848
34849Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
34850they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
34851%
34852My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
34853The height of its contents to see!
34854She lit a small match to assist her,
34855Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
34856%
34857My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
34858to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
34859only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
34860a bulls-eye on the back.
34861
34862I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
34863said, "So will you."
34864 -- Rodney Dangerfield
34865%
34866My brain is my second favorite organ.
34867 -- Woody Allen
34868%
34869My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo
34870of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
34871 -- Steven Wright
34872%
34873My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
34874It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
34875 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
34876It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
34877 decimal points for the sake of precision.
34878Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
34879 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
34880It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
34881 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
34882It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
34883 over.
34884Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
34885 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
34886%
34887My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
34888nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
34889instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
34890a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
34891the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
34892turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
34893that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
34894just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
34895 -- Hunter S. Thompson
34896%
34897"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
34898of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother,
34899drunk or sober."
34900 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
34901%
34902My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
34903%
34904My darling wife was always glum.
34905I drowned her in a cask of rum,
34906And so made sure that she would stay
34907In better spirits night and day.
34908%
34909My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
34910Unless there are three other people.
34911 -- Orson Welles
34912%
34913My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
34914%
34915My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
34916beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
34917is going on.
34918 -- John F. Kennedy
34919%
34920My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
34921 -- Iphicrates
34922%
34923My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
34924your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
34925 -- Erich Maria Remarque
34926%
34927My father taught me three things:
34928 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
34929 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
34930 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
34931%
34932My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
34933missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
34934 -- E. B. White
34935%
34936My father was a saint, I'm not.
34937 -- Indira Gandhi
34938%
34939My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
34940and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
34941 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey
34942%
34943My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
34944Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
34945New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
34946and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
34947somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
34948 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
34949to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
34950 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
34951%
34952My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
34953but they were there to meet the boat.
34954%
34955My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
34956later I can ask him what he meant.
34957 -- Stephen Wright
34958%
34959My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
34960but always, always, he was right.
34961%
34962My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
34963she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
34964back and dig her up.
34965%
34966"My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
34967"Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
34968%
34969My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
34970as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
34971mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
34972I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
34973would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
34974%
34975My, how you've changed since I've changed.
34976%
34977My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
34978%
34979My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
34980%
34981My interest is in the future because I am
34982going to spend the rest of my life there.
34983%
34984"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
34985 -- MadameX
34986%
34987My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
34988 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
34989The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
34990 And the skies are sunlit for him.
34991As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
34992 As the fragrance of acacia.
34993My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
34994 And I wish he were in Asia.
34995 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
34996%
34997My love runs by like a day in June,
34998 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
34999He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
35000 In the pathway or the morrows.
35001He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
35002 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
35003My own dear love, he is all my heart --
35004 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
35005 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
35006%
35007My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
35008thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
35009 -- George Bernard Shaw
35010%
35011My mind can never know my body, although
35012it has become quite friendly with my legs.
35013 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
35014%
35015My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
35016 -- Crazy Jimmy
35017%
35018My mother loved children -- she would
35019have given anything if I had been one.
35020 -- Groucho Marx
35021%
35022My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
35023"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
35024For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
35025 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
35026%
35027My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
35028 -- Sue Murphy
35029%
35030My My, hey hey
35031Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
35032It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
35033Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
35034My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
35035
35036It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
35037They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
35038And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
35039When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
35040And into the black
35041 -- Neil Young
35042 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
35043%
35044My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
35045be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
35046%
35047My only love sprung from my only hate!
35048Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
35049 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
35050%
35051My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
35052%
35053My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
35054 -- Oscar Wilde
35055%
35056My own dear love, he is strong and bold
35057 And he cares not what comes after.
35058His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
35059 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
35060He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
35061 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
35062My own dear love, he is all my world --
35063 And I wish I'd never met him.
35064 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
35065%
35066My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
35067and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
35068reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
35069to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
35070we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
35071slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
35072from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
35073would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
35074 -- James A. Michener
35075%
35076"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!"
35077 -- Zippy the Pinhead
35078%
35079My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
35080%
35081My pen is at the bottom of a page,
35082Which, being finished, here the story ends;
35083'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
35084But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
35085 -- Byron
35086%
35087My philosophy is: Don't think.
35088 -- Charles Manson
35089%
35090My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
35091 -- Errol Flynn
35092
35093Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
35094 -- Errol Flynn
35095%
35096My rackets are run on strictly American
35097lines, and they're going to stay that way.
35098 -- A. Capone
35099%
35100My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
35101spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
35102with our frail and feeble mind.
35103 -- Albert Einstein
35104%
35105My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
35106hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
35107in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
35108character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
35109of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
35110Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
35111dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
35112to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
35113in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
35114-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
35115part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
35116right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
35117have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
35118exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
35119 -- Dave Barry
35120%
35121My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
35122reason to limit myself.
35123 -- Emo Philips
35124%
35125My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
35126She sells C shells by the seashore.
35127%
35128My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
35129I do not like me anymore,
35130I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
35131I ponder on the narrow house
35132I shudder at the thought of men
35133I'm due to fall in love again.
35134 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
35135%
35136My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
35137 -- Christopher Morley
35138%
35139My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
35140 -- George Gobel
35141%
35142My way of joking is to tell the truth.
35143That's the funniest joke in the world.
35144 -- Muhammad Ali
35145%
35146My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
35147%
35148Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
35149 -- Booth Tarkington
35150%
35151mythology, n:
35152 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
35153 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
35154 from the true accounts which it invents later.
35155 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35156%
35157Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
35158is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
35159returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
35160
35161So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
35162
35163Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
35164 "So, how's your daughter?"
35165 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
35166 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
35167 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
35168 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
35169 the doctor?"
35170 "Yes, that's her!"
35171 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
35172 "Yes, yes!"
35173 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
35174%
35175Nachman's Rule:
35176 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
35177 -- Gerald Nachman
35178%
35179Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
35180 -- '76 Olympics
35181%
35182Naeser's Law:
35183 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
35184damnfoolproof.
35185%
35186'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
35187Never odd or even.
35188A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
35189Madam, I'm Adam.
35190Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
35191 -- The Mad Palindromist
35192%
35193NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
35194 says is wrong.
35195GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
35196 will be right.
35197 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
35198%
35199narcolepulacyi, n:
35200 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
35201 to also yawn.
35202 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
35203%
35204Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
35205"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
35206goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
35207it."
35208%
35209Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
35210gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
35211only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
35212stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
35213asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
35214for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
35215he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
35216were spoken to.
35217%
35218Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
35219him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
35220shop?"
35221 "Of course."
35222 "Have you ever seen me before?"
35223 "Never."
35224 "Then how do you know it was me?"
35225%
35226Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
35227than the sun."
35228 "Why?", he was asked.
35229 "Because at night we need the light more."
35230%
35231Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
35232Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
35233his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
35234You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
35235%
35236National security is in your hands - guard it well.
35237%
35238Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
35239scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
35240 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
35241%
35242Natural laws have no pity.
35243%
35244Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
35245of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
35246drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
35247or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
35248can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
35249have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
35250for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
35251in every country.
35252 -- Hermann Goering
35253%
35254Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
35255of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
35256fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
35257creamed?
35258 -- Solomon Short
35259%
35260Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
35261 -- Clare Booth Luce
35262%
35263Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
35264%
35265Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
35266God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
35267
35268It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
35269Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
35270%
35271Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
35272given them little.
35273 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
35274%
35275Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
35276cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
35277 -- Fran Leibowitz
35278%
35279Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
35280tolerated until they acquire some sense.
35281 -- William Phelps
35282%
35283Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
35284And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
35285As on the land while here the ocean gains,
35286In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
35287Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
35288The solid power of understanding fails;
35289Where beams of warm imagination play,
35290The memory's soft figures melt away.
35291 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
35292%
35293Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
35294 -- Francis Bacon
35295%
35296Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
35297On the Rue des Ecoles
35298lived an old man
35299with a blind dog
35300Every evening I would see him
35301guiding the dog along
35302the sidewalk, keeping
35303a firm grip on the leash
35304so that the dog wouldn't
35305run into a passerby
35306Sometimes the dog would stop
35307and look up at the sky
35308Once the old man
35309noticed me watching the dog
35310and he said, "Oh, yes,
35311this one knows
35312when the moon is out,
35313he can feel it on his face"
35314 -- Barry Gifford
35315%
35316Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
35317want to test a man's character, give him power.
35318 -- Abraham Lincoln
35319%
35320Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
35321have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
35322 -- Brent Welch
35323%
35324Necessity has no law.
35325 -- St. Augustine
35326%
35327Necessity hath no law.
35328 -- Oliver Cromwell
35329%
35330Necessity is a mother.
35331%
35332"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
35333is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
35334 -- Alfred North Whitehead
35335%
35336Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
35337It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
35338 -- William Pitt, 1783
35339%
35340Neckties strangle clear thinking.
35341 -- Lin Yutang
35342%
35343Needs are a function of what other people have.
35344%
35345Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
35346 -- Napoleon
35347%
35348Neil Armstrong tripped.
35349%
35350Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
35351%
35352Nemo me impune lacessit
35353 [No one provokes me with impunity]
35354 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
35355%
35356nerd pack, n:
35357 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
35358 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
35359 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
35360 in his pack.
35361%
35362Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com
35363along at once.
35364%
35365Neuroses are red,
35366 Melancholia's blue.
35367I'm schizophrenic,
35368 What are you?
35369%
35370Neurotics build castles in the sky,
35371Psychotics live in them,
35372And psychiatrists collect the rent.
35373%
35374Neutrinos are into physicists.
35375%
35376Neutrinos have bad breadth.
35377%
35378neutron bomb, n:
35379 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
35380 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
35381 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
35382%
35383Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
35384 -- Linda Festa
35385%
35386Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
35387Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
35388 -- Lazarus Long
35389%
35390Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
35391%
35392Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
35393%
35394Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
35395%
35396Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
35397 -- Anonymous
35398%
35399Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
35400Professionals built the Titanic.
35401%
35402Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
35403%
35404Never buy from a rich salesman.
35405 -- Goldenstern
35406%
35407Never buy what you do not want
35408because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
35409 -- Thomas Jefferson
35410%
35411Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
35412%
35413Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
35414%
35415Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
35416%
35417Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
35418%
35419Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools
35420are available.
35421 -- Niklaus Wirth
35422%
35423Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
35424%
35425Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
35426with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
35427into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
35428window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
35429%
35430Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
35431%
35432Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
35433And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
35434 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
35435%
35436Never eat more than you can lift.
35437 -- Miss Piggy
35438%
35439Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
35440absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
35441%
35442Never explain. Your friends do not need it
35443and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
35444 -- Elbert Hubbard
35445%
35446Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
35447 -- Marlo Thomas
35448%
35449Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
35450%
35451Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
35452%
35453Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
35454%
35455Never give an inch!
35456%
35457Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
35458 -- Erma Bombeck
35459%
35460Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
35461 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
35462%
35463Never have children, only grandchildren.
35464 -- Gore Vidal
35465%
35466Never have so many understood so little about so much.
35467 -- James Burke
35468%
35469Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
35470%
35471Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
35472%
35473Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
35474 -- Billy Rose
35475%
35476Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
35477 -- Quentin Crisp
35478%
35479Never kick a man, unless he's down.
35480%
35481Never laugh at live dragons.
35482 -- Bilbo Baggins
35483%
35484Never leave anything to chance;
35485make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
35486%
35487Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
35488 -- Erma Bombeck
35489%
35490Never let someone who says it cannot be done
35491interrupt the person who is doing it.
35492%
35493Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
35494%
35495Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
35496 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
35497%
35498Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
35499 -- Saint Jerome
35500%
35501Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
35502%
35503Never make anything simple and efficient when a
35504way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
35505%
35506Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
35507 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
35508%
35509Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
35510%
35511Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
35512%
35513Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
35514%
35515Never promise more than you can perform.
35516 -- Publilius Syrus
35517%
35518Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
35519 -- D. Gries
35520%
35521Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
35522%
35523Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
35524%
35525Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
35526law against it by that time.
35527%
35528Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
35529unprotected.
35530 -- Robert Orben
35531%
35532Never reveal your best argument.
35533%
35534Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
35535%
35536Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
35537%
35538Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
35539%
35540Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
35541 -- Nelson Algren
35542%
35543Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
35544that subject.
35545 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
35546%
35547NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
35548%
35549Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
35550in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
35551tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
35552On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
35553 -- Lenny Bruce
35554%
35555Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
35556%
35557Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
35558do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
35559 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
35560%
35561Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
35562 -- Steinbach
35563%
35564Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
35565%
35566Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
35567%
35568Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
35569 -- John Dillinger
35570%
35571Never trust an operating system.
35572%
35573Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
35574%
35575Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
35576%
35577Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
35578sex to a virgin.
35579 -- Robert Heinlein
35580
35581(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
35582%
35583Never try to outstubborn a cat.
35584 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
35585%
35586Never try to teach a pig to sing.
35587It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
35588%
35589Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
35590 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
35591%
35592"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
35593%
35594Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
35595 -- Robert Heinlein
35596%
35597Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
35598there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
35599%
35600Never volunteer for anything.
35601 -- Lackland
35602%
35603Never worry about theory as long as the
35604machinery does what it's supposed to do.
35605 -- Robert A. Heinlein
35606%
35607new, adj:
35608 Different color from previous model.
35609%
35610New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
35611%
35612New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
35613%
35614New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
35615any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
35616%
35617New members are urgently needed in the Society
35618for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
35619%
35620New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
35621 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
35622%
35623New release:
35624 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
35625 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
35626 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
35627%
35628New systems generate new problems.
35629%
35630New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
35631age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
35632 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
35633%
35634New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
35635%
35636New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
35637whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
35638 -- David Letterman
35639%
35640New York-- to that tall skyline I come
35641Flyin' in from London to your door
35642New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
35643Where they say you should not wander after dark.
35644New York.
35645 -- Simon and Garfunkle
35646%
35647New York's got the ways and means;
35648Just won't let you be.
35649 -- The Grateful Dead
35650%
35651Newlan's Truism:
35652 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
35653 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
35654%
35655Newman's Discovery:
35656 Your best dreams may not come true;
35657 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
35658%
35659Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
35660print the chaff.
35661 -- Adlai Stevenson
35662%
35663NEWS FLASH!!
35664 Today the East German pole-vault champion
35665 became the West German pole-vault champion.
35666%
35667news: gotcha
35668%
35669NEWSFLASH!!
35670 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
356711700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
35672It was. Age 31.
35673%
35674Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
35675%
35676Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
35677 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
35678%
35679Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
35680As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
35681%
35682Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
35683 -- Foghorn Leghorn
35684%
35685Nice guys don't finish nice.
35686%
35687Nice guys finish last.
35688 -- Leo Durocher
35689%
35690Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
35691 -- Evan Davis
35692%
35693Nice guys get sick.
35694%
35695Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
35696 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
35697%
35698Nietzsche is pietzsche.
35699%
35700Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
35701%
35702Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
35703God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
35704 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
35705%
35706Nihilism should commence with oneself.
35707%
35708Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
35709name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
35710(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
35711but Americans call him by value.
35712%
35713Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
35714Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
35715Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
35716Three megs for system source;
35717
35718One disk to rule them all,
35719One disk to bind them,
35720One disk to hold the files
35721And in the darkness grind 'em.
35722%
35723Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
35724And tapes without any tracks;
35725Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
35726And tapes mixed up on the racks --
35727 Take hold of the tape
35728 And pull off the strip,
35729 And then you'll be sure
35730 Your tape drive will skip.
35731
35732 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
35733%
35734Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
35735 -- Henry Kissinger
35736%
35737Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
35738The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
35739 -- Augustine
35740%
35741Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
35742 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
35743 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
35744%
35745Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
35746that be and their friends hang out.
35747 -- Zonker Harris
35748%
35749Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
35750else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
35751the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
35752 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
35753%
35754No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
35755 -- Aesop
35756%
35757No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
35758%
35759No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
35760%
35761No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
35762absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
35763 -- Fran Lebowitz
35764%
35765No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
35766 -- William Blake
35767%
35768no brainer:
35769 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
35770 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
35771%
35772No character, however upright, is a match for
35773constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
35774 -- Alexander Hamilton
35775%
35776No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
35777 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
35778 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
35779 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
35780%
35781No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
35782camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
35783effectively under such difficult conditions.
35784 -- Laurence J. Peter
35785%
35786No directory.
35787%
35788No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
35789lectures which are really worth the attending.
35790 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
35791%
35792No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
35793on the grounds that it was human nature.
35794%
35795No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
35796 -- Dr. Who
35797%
35798No evil can happen to a good man.
35799 -- Plato
35800%
35801No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
35802 -- Aristotle
35803%
35804No extensible language will be universal.
35805 -- T. Cheatham
35806%
35807No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
35808no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
35809 -- Landor
35810%
35811No good deed goes unpunished.
35812 -- Clare Boothe Luce
35813%
35814No group of professionals meets except to
35815conspire against the public at large.
35816 -- Mark Twain
35817%
35818No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
35819he will not become a nuisance after three days.
35820 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
35821%
35822No guts, no glory.
35823%
35824No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
35825until three software guys have signed off for it.
35826 -- Andy Tanenbaum
35827%
35828No, his mind is not for rent
35829To any god or government.
35830Always hopeful, yet discontent,
35831He knows changes aren't permanent -
35832But change is.
35833%
35834No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
35835%
35836No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
35837It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
35838 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
35839%
35840No, I don't have a drinking problem.
35841I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
35842%
35843No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
35844just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
35845and Telegraph Company.
35846 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
35847 machine, 1943.
35848%
35849No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
35850 -- Sidney
35851%
35852"No job too big; no fee too big!"
35853 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
35854%
35855No line available at 300 baud.
35856%
35857No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
35858absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
35859Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
35860within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
35861Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
35862doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
35863of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
35864 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
35865%
35866no maintenance:
35867 Impossible to fix.
35868%
35869No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
35870interest in hair restorers.
35871 -- Austin O'Malley
35872%
35873No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
35874one peanut.
35875 -- Channing Pollock
35876%
35877No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
35878Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
35879Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
35880a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
35881me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
35882for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
35883 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
35884%
35885No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
35886%
35887No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
35888%
35889No man is useless who has a friend,
35890and if we are loved we are indispensable.
35891 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
35892%
35893No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
35894 -- E. W. Howe
35895%
35896No man's ambition has a right to stand in
35897the way of performing a simple act of justice.
35898 -- John Altgeld
35899%
35900No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
35901than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
35902 -- Lenin, 1918
35903%
35904No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
35905with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
35906But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
35907in the afternoons.
35908 -- Salvador Dali
35909%
35910No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
35911%
35912No matter how much you do you never do enough.
35913%
35914No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
35915signs of improvement.
35916 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
35917%
35918No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
35919cramp his style.
35920%
35921No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
35922%
35923No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
35924immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
35925%
35926No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
35927%
35928No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
35929the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
35930%
35931No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
35932th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
35933 -- Mr. Dooley
35934%
35935No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
35936unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
35937 -- Arthur Binstead
35938%
35939No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
35940all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
35941the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
35942republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
35943ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
35944every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
35945 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
35946%
35947No one becomes depraved in a moment.
35948 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
35949%
35950No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
35951%
35952No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
35953dirty little beast.
35954 -- W. S. Gilbert
35955%
35956No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
35957 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
35958%
35959No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
35960%
35961No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
35962%
35963"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
35964%
35965No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
35966 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
35967%
35968No one knows like a woman how to say
35969things that are at once gentle and deep.
35970 -- Hugo
35971%
35972No one knows what he can do till he tries.
35973 -- Publilius Syrus
35974%
35975No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
35976 -- Quintus Ennius
35977%
35978No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin!
35979 -- Snoopy
35980%
35981No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
35982one who's giving it.
35983 -- Hal Chadwick
35984%
35985NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
35986 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
35987%
35988No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
35989system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
35990the author.
35991 -- Chris Shaw
35992%
35993No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
35994For this isn't really the norm.
35995But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
35996So what? Any pork in a storm.
35997
35998No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
35999It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
36000But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
36001Cast even more perils before swine.
36002%
36003No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
36004He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
36005Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
36006And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
36007 (refrain)
36008Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
36009And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
36010All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
36011But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
36012 (refrain)
36013Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
36014The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
36015A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
36016But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
36017 (refrain)
36018Refrain:
36019 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
36020 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
36021 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
36022 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
36023%
36024No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
36025them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
36026their wish has been granted.
36027 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
36028%
36029No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
36030%
36031No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
36032 -- C. Schulz
36033%
36034No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
36035%
36036"No program is perfect,"
36037They said with a shrug.
36038"The customer's happy--
36039What's one little bug?"
36040
36041But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
36042The others went home. As year followed year.
36043He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
36044Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
36045
36046Night passed into morning. He died at the console
36047The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
36048With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
36049"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
36050
36051Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
36052Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
36053"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
36054"Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
36055 -- The Perfect Programmer
36056%
36057No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
36058occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
36059indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
36060different from the one identified by the given indication as an
36061indication-applied occurrence.
36062 -- ALGOL 68 Report
36063%
36064No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
36065%
36066No rock so hard but that a little wave
36067May beat admission in a thousand years.
36068 -- Tennyson
36069%
36070No self-made man ever did such a good job
36071that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
36072 -- Kim Hubbard
36073%
36074"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
36075paper."
36076 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
36077 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
36078%
36079No skis take rocks like rental skis!
36080%
36081No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
36082for that purpose to keep awake all day.
36083 -- Nietzsche
36084%
36085No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
36086%
36087No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
36088Finished his old Raven,
36089then he started his Old Crow.
36090%
36091No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
36092 -- Quintus Ennius
36093%
36094No spitting on the Bus!
36095Thank you, The Management.
36096%
36097No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
36098 -- Richard Nixon
36099%
36100No two persons ever read the same book.
36101 -- Edmund Wilson
36102%
36103No use getting too involved in life --
36104you're only here for a limited time.
36105%
36106No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
36107 -- Sherlock Holmes
36108%
36109No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
36110she will or will not be a mother.
36111 -- Margaret H. Sanger
36112%
36113No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
36114 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
36115%
36116No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
36117him than he deserves.
36118 -- Edgar Watson Howe
36119%
36120No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
36121Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
36122%
36123No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
36124%
36125No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
36126%
36127Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
36128fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
36129moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
36130useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
36131she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
36132moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
36133him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
36134reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
36135some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
36136threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
36137old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
36138had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
36139paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
36140was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
36141he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
36142and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
36143young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
36144 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
36145story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
36146quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
36147however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
36148 -- Richard Harter
36149%
36150Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
36151%
36152Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
36153it.
36154 -- Tallulah Bankhead
36155%
36156Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
36157%
36158Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
36159 -- Kin Hubbard
36160%
36161Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
36162%
36163NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
36164%
36165Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
36166limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
36167if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
36168shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
36169that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
36170It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
36171 -- Liv Ullman
36172%
36173Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
36174%
36175Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
36176 -- Roy Harper
36177%
36178Nobody loves me,
36179Everybody hates me,
36180I think I'll go out and eat worms.
36181I'm gonna cut their heads off,
36182Eat their insides out,
36183And throw way the skins.
36184Big, fat, juicy ones,
36185Little, skinny, cute ones,
36186Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
36187%
36188Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
36189And then it's too late.
36190%
36191Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
36192%
36193Nobody shot me.
36194 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
36195 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the
36196 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
36197
36198Only Capone kills like that.
36199 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
36200
36201The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
36202 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
36203%
36204Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
36205for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
36206their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
36207 -- Lewis Lapham
36208%
36209Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
36210your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
36211different.
36212 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
36213 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
36214%
36215Nobody wants constructive criticism.
36216It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
36217%
36218Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
36219coming in late and lying about it.
36220%
36221nohup rm -fr /&
36222%
36223Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
36224merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
36225 -- Mark Twain
36226%
36227nolo contendere:
36228 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
36229 it again."
36230%
36231nominal egg:
36232 New Yorkerese for expensive.
36233%
36234Noncombatant, n.:
36235 A dead Quaker.
36236 -- Ambrose Bierce
36237%
36238Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
36239 -- M. J. 0'Donnell
36240%
36241Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
36242%
36243None love the bearer of bad news.
36244 -- Sophocles
36245%
36246None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
36247to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
36248ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
36249job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
36250forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
36251he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
36252state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
36253"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
36254 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
36255%
36256Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
36257 Negative expectations yield negative results.
36258 Positive expectations yield negative results.
36259%
36260Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
36261 -- Heisenberg
36262%
36263Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
36264 -- E. M. Forster
36265%
36266Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
36267%
36268Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
36269%
36270No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
36271intentions. He had money as well.
36272 -- Margaret Thatcher
36273%
36274Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
36275 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
36276
36277Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
36278Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
36279 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
36280
36281Coach: How's life, Norm?
36282Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
36283 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
36284%
36285Norm: Hey, everybody.
36286All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
36287Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
36288 Norm! (Norman.)
36289 How are you feeling today, Norm?
36290 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
36291 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
36292
36293Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
36294Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
36295 Film at eleven.
36296 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
36297
36298Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
36299Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
36300 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
36301%
36302[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
36303
36304Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
36305Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
36306 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
36307
36308Coach: What's up, Normie?
36309Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
36310 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
36311
36312Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
36313Norm: Going down?
36314 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
36315%
36316[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
36317
36318Off-screen crowd: Norm!
36319Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
36320Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
36321 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
36322
36323Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
36324Norm: Elope with my wife.
36325 -- Cheers, The Triangle
36326
36327Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
36328Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
36329 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
36330%
36331[Norm is angry.]
36332
36333Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
36334Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
36335 -- Cheers, The Triangle
36336
36337Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
36338Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
36339 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
36340 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
36341
36342Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
36343Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
36344 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
36345%
36346[Norm returns from the hospital.]
36347
36348Coach: What's up, Norm?
36349Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
36350 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
36351
36352Sam: What's new, Normie?
36353Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
36354 They're demanding beer.
36355 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
36356
36357Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
36358Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
36359 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
36360%
36361[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
36362Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
36363All: Anton!
36364 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
36365
36366Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
36367Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
36368 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
36369
36370Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
36371Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
36372 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
36373 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
36374%
36375Normal times may possibly be over forever.
36376%
36377Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
36378reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
36379although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
36380their courses.
36381 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
36382%
36383Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
36384%
36385Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
36386%
36387Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
36388%
36389Not all men who drink are poets.
36390Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
36391%
36392Not all who own a harp are harpers.
36393 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
36394%
36395Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
36396make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
36397%
36398Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
36399the capitalist mode of production.
36400 -- Herbert Marcuse
36401%
36402Not every question deserves an answer.
36403%
36404Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
36405%
36406Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
36407Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
36408in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
36409moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
36410dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
36411respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
36412it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
36413then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
36414chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
36415 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
36416%
36417"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
36418 -- Shakespeare
36419%
36420Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
36421ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
36422 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
36423
36424I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
36425 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis.
36426%
36427Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
36428 -- Rob Pike
36429%
36430Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
36431serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
36432 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
36433%
36434Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
36435 -- Spinoza
36436%
36437"Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems
36438to have been written by Bruce Evans."
36439 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992
36440%
36441NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
36442All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
36443all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
36444features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
36445abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
36446attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
36447local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
36448invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
36449surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
36450electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
36451chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
36452premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
36453uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
36454and/or frogs falling from the sky.
36455%
36456Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message
36457
36458Failed due to : SunOS 5.8 is installed.
36459 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine
36460%
36461Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
36462%
36463Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
36464wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
36465astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
36466unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
36467not to make any poultry jokes.
36468 -- Woody Allen
36469%
36470Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
36471 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
36472%
36473Nothing can be done in one trip.
36474 -- Snider
36475%
36476Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
36477%
36478Nothing endures but change.
36479 -- Heraclitus
36480 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
36481%
36482Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
36483proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
36484 -- John Keats
36485%
36486Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
36487 -- Winston Churchill
36488
36489Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
36490satisfying as an income tax refund.
36491 -- F. J. Raymond
36492%
36493Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
36494%
36495Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
36496%
36497Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
36498 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
36499 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
36500%
36501Nothing is but what is not.
36502%
36503Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
36504%
36505Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
36506
36507To prove this to yourself, try opening the
36508refrigerator door before the light comes on.
36509%
36510Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
36511%
36512Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
36513 -- Andrew Young
36514%
36515Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
36516 -- A. H. Weiler
36517%
36518Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
36519millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
36520 -- Nero Wolfe
36521%
36522Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
36523%
36524Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
36525She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
36526 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
36527%
36528Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
36529 -- Michel de Montaigne
36530%
36531Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
36532 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
36533%
36534Nothing lasts forever.
36535Where do I find nothing?
36536%
36537Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
36538%
36539Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
36540Conscience makes egotists of us all.
36541 -- Oscar Wilde
36542%
36543Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
36544 -- Arthur Balfour
36545%
36546Nothing motivates a man more than to
36547see his boss put in an honest day's work.
36548%
36549Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
36550repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
36551the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
36552which can be offered to a personality.
36553 -- Soren Kierkegaard
36554%
36555Nothing recedes like success.
36556 -- Walter Winchell
36557%
36558Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
36559which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
36560 -- Quentin Crisp
36561%
36562Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
36563 -- Mark Twain
36564%
36565Nothing succeeds like success.
36566 -- Alexandre Dumas
36567%
36568Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
36569 -- Christopher Lascl
36570%
36571Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
36572 -- Charlie Brown
36573%
36574Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
36575If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
36576That's what she said as she turned out the light,
36577And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
36578Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
36579She got from trying to fight
36580Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
36581[...]
36582Well nothing that's real is ever for free
36583And you just have to pay for it sometime.
36584She said it before, she said it to me,
36585I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
36586But the same old four imaginary walls
36587She'd built for livin' inside
36588I said oh, you just can't mean it.
36589[...]
36590Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
36591If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
36592That's what she said as she turned out the light,
36593And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
36594But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
36595The veil that covered her eyes,
36596I said oh, you can leave it.
36597 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
36598%
36599Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
36600 -- Kim Hubbard
36601%
36602Nothing will ever be attempted
36603if all possible objections must be first overcome.
36604 -- Dr. Johnson
36605%
36606NOTICE:
36607 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
36608 be summarily put out.
36609%
36610NOTICE:
36611
36612-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
36613
36614(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
36615%
36616Nouvelle cuisine, n:
36617 French for "not enough food".
36618
36619Continental breakfast, n:
36620 English for "not enough food".
36621
36622Tapas, n:
36623 Spanish for "not enough food".
36624
36625Dim Sum, n:
36626 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
36627%
36628November, n.:
36629 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
36630 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36631%
36632Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
36633
36634 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
36635 not better, just different.
36636%
36637Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
36638%
36639Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
36640Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
36641 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
36642%
36643Now I lay me back to sleep.
36644The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
36645If he should stop before I wake,
36646Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
36647 -- Anonymous
36648%
36649Now I lay me down to sleep
36650I pray the double lock will keep;
36651May no brick through the window break,
36652And, no one rob me till I awake.
36653%
36654Now I lay me down to sleep,
36655I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
36656If I should die before I wake,
36657I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
36658%
36659Now I lay me down to study,
36660I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
36661And if I fail to learn this junk,
36662I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
36663But if I do, don't pity me at all,
36664Just lay my bones in the study hall.
36665Tell my teacher I've done my best,
36666Then pile my books upon my chest.
36667%
36668Now is the time for all good men to come to.
36669 -- Walt Kelly
36670%
36671Now is the time for drinking;
36672now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
36673 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36674%
36675Now it's time to say goodbye
36676To all our company...
36677M-I-C (see you next week!)
36678K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
36679M-O-U-S-E.
36680%
36681Now of my threescore years and ten,
36682Twenty will not come again,
36683And take from seventy springs a score,
36684It leaves me only fifty more.
36685
36686And since to look at things in bloom
36687Fifty springs are little room,
36688About the woodlands I will go
36689To see the cherry hung with snow.
36690 -- A. E. Housman
36691%
36692Now that day wearies me,
36693My yearning desire
36694Will receive more kindly,
36695Like a tired child, the starry night.
36696
36697Hands, leave off your deeds,
36698Mind, forget all thoughts;
36699All of my forces
36700Yearn only to sink into sleep.
36701
36702And my soul, unguarded,
36703Would soar on widespread wings,
36704To live in night's magical sphere
36705More profoundly, more variously.
36706 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
36707%
36708Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
36709some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
36710her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
36711cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
36712
367131: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
367142: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
36715 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
367163: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
36717 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
36718 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
36719 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
36720
36721That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
36722%
36723"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
36724Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
36725were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
36726 -- "The Begatting of a President"
36727%
36728Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
36729or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
36730 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
36731%
36732Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
36733you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
36734 -- Casey Stengel
36735%
36736"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
36737smurfette."
36738 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
36739%
36740Nowlan's Theory:
36741 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
36742 the next freeway exit.
36743%
36744Now's the time to have some big ideas
36745Now's the time to make some firm decisions
36746We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
36747Talking politics and nuclear fission
36748We see him and he's all washed up --
36749Moving on into the body of a beetle
36750Getting ready for a long long crawl
36751He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
36752
36753Death and Money make their point once more
36754In the shape of Philosophical assassins
36755Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
36756Deadly angels for reality and passion
36757Have the courage of the here and now
36758Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
36759When you think you got it paid in full
36760You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
36761 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
36762 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
36763 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
36764 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
36765 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
36766%
36767Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
36768 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
36769 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
36770 Times, June 10, 1955.
36771%
36772[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
36773 -- Edwin Meese III
36774%
36775"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
36776 -- Karl Lehenbauer
36777%
36778Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
36779normal routines, for children and adults alike.
36780 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
36781%
36782"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
36783 -- Ted Turner
36784%
36785Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
36786%
36787Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
36788%
36789Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
36790%
36791(null cookie; hope that's ok)
36792%
36793Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
36794 -- Seneca
36795%
36796Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
36797%
36798Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
36799Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
36800Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
36801Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
36802%
36803Nusbaum's Rule:
36804 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
36805 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
36806 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
36807 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
36808%
36809O! If I were a fish
36810I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
36811Yes, that's my one and only wish --
36812To be a fish!
36813
36814For fish don't ever mish;
36815They needn't flush after they pish!
36816Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
36817For all the fish!!!
36818%
36819O give me a home,
36820Where the buffalo roam,
36821Where the deer and the antelope play,
36822Where seldom is heard
36823A discouraging word,
36824'Cause what can an antelope say?
36825%
36826O imitators, you slavish herd!
36827 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36828%
36829O, it is excellent
36830To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
36831To use it like a giant.
36832 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
36833%
36834O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
36835for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
36836%
36837O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
36838To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
36839Might we not smash it to bits
36840And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
36841 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
36842%
36843Oatmeal raisin.
36844%
36845Objects are lost only because people
36846look where they are not rather than where they are.
36847%
36848O'Brian's Law:
36849 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
36850%
36851O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
36852thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
36853 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
36854 "Four."
36855 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
36856 then how many?"
36857 "Four."
36858 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
36859 -- George Orwell
36860%
36861Observe yon plumed biped fine.
36862To activate its captivation,
36863Deposit on its termination,
36864A quantity of particles saline.
36865%
36866Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
36867%
36868"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
36869 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
36870 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
36871 of the grandstands.
36872%
36873Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
36874%
36875OCCAM'S ERASER:
36876 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
36877 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
36878%
36879OCCIDENT:
36880 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
36881 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
36882 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
36883 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
36884 are the principal industries of the Orient.
36885 -- Ambrose Bierce
36886%
36887OCEAN:
36888 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
36889 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
36890%
36891Odets, where is thy sting?
36892 -- George S. Kaufman
36893%
36894Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
36895%
36896Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
36897to know so much and have control over nothing.
36898 -- Herodotus
36899%
36900Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
36901reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
36902amount of hot air.
36903 -- Thomas L. Martin
36904%
36905Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
36906 -- Plato
36907%
36908Of all the words of witch's doom
36909There's none so bad as which and whom.
36910The man who kills both which and whom
36911Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
36912 -- Fletcher Knebel
36913%
36914Of all things man is the measure.
36915 -- Protagoras
36916%
36917Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
36918husband and wife.
36919%
36920Of course it's possible to love a human being
36921if you don't know them too well.
36922 -- Charles Bukowski
36923%
36924Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
36925tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
36926 -- Crazy Nigel
36927%
36928Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
36929After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
36930%
36931Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
36932%
36933Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
36934TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
36935%
36936Office Automation:
36937 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
36938 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
36939%
36940Official Project Stages:
36941 1. Uncritical Acceptance
36942 2. Wild Enthusiasm
36943 3. Dejected Disillusionment
36944 4. Total Confusion
36945 5. Search for the Guilty
36946 6. Punishment of the Innocent
36947 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
36948%
36949Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
36950lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
36951%
36952Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
36953%
36954Ogden's Law:
36955 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
36956%
36957Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
36958%
36959Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
36960 -- Pink Floyd
36961%
36962Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
36963%
36964Oh don't the days seem lank and long
36965When all goes right and none goes wrong,
36966And isn't your life extremely flat
36967With nothing whatever to grumble at!
36968%
36969Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
36970They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
36971"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
36972Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
36973
36974Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
36975I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
36976"Now listen my son, although you're confused,
36977Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
36978
36979Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
36980What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
36981"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
36982Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
36983
36984Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
36985Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
36986"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
36987Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
36988%
36989Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
36990As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
36991Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
36992And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
36993Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
36994 see if I don't.
36995 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
36996%
36997Oh, give me a home,
36998Where the buffalo roam,
36999And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
37000%
37001Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
37002 Where the three-body problem is solved,
37003 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
37004 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
37005We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
37006 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
37007 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
37008 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
37009If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
37010 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
37011 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
37012 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
37013I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
37014 And living up here is a bore.
37015 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
37016 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
37017
37018CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
37019 Where the space debris always collects,
37020 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
37021 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
37022 -- to Home on the Range
37023%
37024Oh give me your pity!
37025I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
37026Which means that from morning And contend and defend
37027 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
37028
37029We confer and concur,
37030We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
37031And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
37032 And consider a load of reports.
37033
37034We compose and propose,
37035We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
37036And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
37037 There's terribly little gets done.
37038
37039We resolve and absolve;
37040But we never dissolve,
37041Since it's out of the question for us
37042To bring our committee
37043To end like this ditty,
37044Which stops with a period, thus.
37045 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
37046%
37047"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
37048dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
37049and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
37050you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
37051ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
37052wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
37053last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
37054buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
37055He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
37056and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
37057their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
37058another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
37059said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
37060know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
37061 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
37062%
37063Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
37064 I muck with indices and structs all day
37065And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
37066 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
37067%
37068Oh, I could while away the hours,
37069Smoking herbs and flowers,
37070Shooting up my veins,
37071 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
37072Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
37073I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
37074If I dealt in good cocaine.
37075 -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
37076%
37077Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
37078be irresponsible, too.
37079 -- Lichty & Wagner
37080%
37081Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
37082And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
37083Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
37084Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
37085You have not dreamed of --
37086Wheeled and soared and swung
37087High in the sunlit silence.
37088Hovering there
37089I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
37090My eager craft through footless halls of air.
37091Up, up along delirious, burning blue
37092I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
37093Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
37094And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
37095The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
37096Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
37097 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
37098%
37099Oh I'm just a typical American boy
37100From a typical American town.
37101I believe in God and Senator Dodd
37102And keeping old Castro down.
37103And when it came my time to serve
37104I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
37105But when I got to my old draft board,
37106Buddy, this is what I said:
37107
37108Chorus:
37109 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
37110 And I always carry a purse!
37111 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
37112 And my asthma's getting worse!
37113 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
37114 And my poor old invalid aunt!
37115 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
37116 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
37117 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
37118%
37119Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
37120My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
37121Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
37122To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
37123%
37124Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
37125arch-enemy -- and that is life.
37126 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
37127%
37128Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
37129it's what you do with what you have left.
37130 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
37131%
37132Oh, so there you are!
37133%
37134Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
37135He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
37136No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
37137He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
37138 -- The Smothers Brothers
37139%
37140Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
37141 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
37142%
37143Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
37144Born under one law, to another bound.
37145 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
37146%
37147Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
37148%
37149Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
37150 -- Shakespeare
37151%
37152Oh, when I was in love with you,
37153 Then I was clean and brave,
37154And miles around the wonder grew
37155 How well did I behave.
37156
37157And now the fancy passes by,
37158 And nothing will remain,
37159And miles around they'll say that I
37160 Am quite myself again.
37161 -- A. E. Housman
37162%
37163Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
37164%
37165Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
37166you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
37167J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
37168you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
37169%
37170Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
37171 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
37172%
37173O.K., fine.
37174%
37175Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't
37176have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail
37177just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait
37178until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll
37179save precious time and electrons.
37180 -- Bill Paul
37181%
37182"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
37183 -- Dr. Joy
37184%
37185OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
37186%
37187Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
37188just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
37189executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
37190the code over again, since I also removed the source.
37191%
37192Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
37193%
37194Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
37195 -- B. Baruch
37196%
37197Old age is the harbor of all ills.
37198 -- Bion
37199%
37200Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
37201 -- Trotsky
37202%
37203Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
37204%
37205Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
37206%
37207Old Japanese proverb:
37208 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
37209and those who climb it twice.
37210%
37211Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
37212%
37213Old mail has arrived.
37214%
37215Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
37216themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
37217 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
37218%
37219Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
37220To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
37221When she got there, the cupboard was bare
37222And so was her daughter, I guess...
37223%
37224Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
37225%
37226Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
37227%
37228Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
37229%
37230Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
37231%
37232Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
37233%
37234Old timer, n:
37235 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
37236%
37237Oliver's Law:
37238 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
37239%
37240omnibiblious, adj.:
37241 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
37242 I'm omnibiblious."
37243%
37244OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of
37245JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
37246as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
37247WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
37248%
37249On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
37250%
37251On a clear disk you can seek forever.
37252 -- P. Denning
37253%
37254On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
37255
37256"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
37257 -- Wolfgang Pauli
37258%
37259On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
37260a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
37261
37262[One is always a little afraid of love, but
37263above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
37264%
37265On ability:
37266 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
37267 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
37268 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
37269%
37270On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
37271nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
37272what it does.
37273 -- Will Rogers
37274%
37275On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
37276car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
37277the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
37278 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
37279you come any closer."
37280 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
37281explained.
37282 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
37283decapitation."
37284 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
37285pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
37286 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
37287taller."
37288%
37289On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
37290proposition that all men are created jerks.
37291 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
37292%
37293On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
37294same moment -- halftime.
37295%
37296On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
37297%
37298On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
37299girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
37300Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
37301and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
37302%
37303On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT.
37304%
37305On the subject of C program indentation:
37306
37307 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
37308 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
37309 -- Blair P. Houghton
37310%
37311On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
37312 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph
37313%
37314On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
37315Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
37316come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
37317ideas that could provoke such a question.
37318 -- Charles Babbage
37319%
37320Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
37321and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
37322 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
37323%
37324Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
37325 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37326%
37327Once, adv.:
37328 Enough.
37329 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37330%
37331Once again dread deed is done.
37332Canon sleeps,
37333his all-knowing eye shaded
37334to human chance and circumstance.
37335Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
37336but Canon's sleep is troubled.
37337
37338Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
37339Impatient hands wait eagerly
37340to grasp, to hold
37341scant moments of time
37342wrested from life in the full
37343glory of Canon's power;
37344held captive by his unblinking eye.
37345
37346Three golden orbs stand watch;
37347one each to toll the day, hour, minute
37348until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
37349When that feared moment arives,
37350"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
37351It tolls for thee."
37352 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
37353 Valley Pawn Shop today"
37354%
37355Once Again From the Top
37356
37357Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
37358reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
37359in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
37360lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
37361homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
37362he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
37363George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
37364inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
37365lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
37366vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
37367The Herald regrets the errors."
37368 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
37369%
37370Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
37371each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
37372choice.
37373
37374In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
37375called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
37376and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
37377passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
37378Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
37379 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
37380%
37381Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
37382Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
37383Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
37384principles or your mistress".
37385%
37386Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
37387 -- Homer
37388%
37389Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
37390roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
37391forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
37392the railroad yards."
37393 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
37394 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
37395 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
37396%
37397Once I finally figured out all of life's
37398answers, they changed the questions.
37399%
37400Once, I read that a man be never stronger
37401than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
37402 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
37403%
37404Once is happenstance,
37405Twice is coincidence,
37406Three times is enemy action.
37407 -- Auric Goldfinger
37408%
37409Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
37410sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
37411%
37412Once Law was sitting on the bench
37413 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
37414"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
37415 Nor come before me creeping.
37416Upon you knees if you appear,
37417'Tis plain you have no standing here."
37418
37419Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
37420 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
37421"Amica curiae," she replied --
37422 "Friend of the court, so please you."
37423"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
37424I never saw your face before!"
37425 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37426%
37427Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
37428infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
37429grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
37430possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
37431 -- Rainer Rilke
37432%
37433Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
37434 -- H. R. Haldeman
37435%
37436Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
37437And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
37438And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
37439He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
37440And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
37441He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
37442And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
37443 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
37444And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
37445And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
37446The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
37447But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
37448Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
37449And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
37450But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
37451 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
37452When the day is done and the moon comes out,
37453And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
37454When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
37455And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
37456You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
37457 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
37458%
37459Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
37460a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
37461parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
37462to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
37463end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
37464page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
37465inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
37466was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
37467the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
37468%
37469Once upon a time there...
37470%
37471Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
37472were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
37473to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
37474the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
37475just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
37476of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
37477sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
37478possession. And the moral of the story is:
37479
37480The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
37481hit you.
37482%
37483Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
37484us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
37485the smaller prime numbers.
37486
374872: The Odd Prime --
37488 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
374893: The True Prime --
37490 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
3749131: The Arbitrary Prime --
37492 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
37493 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
37494 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
37495 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
37496 at all.
37497
37498Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
37499derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
37500true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
37501%
37502Once upon this midnight incoherent,
37503While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
37504Over many a broken and subordinate
37505Volume of gnarly lore,
37506While I pestered, nearly singing,
37507Sudddenly there came a hewing,
37508As of someone profusely skulking,
37509Skulking at my chamber door.
37510%
37511Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
37512%
37513Once you've tried to change the world you find
37514it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
37515%
37516One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
37517somebody's listening.
37518 -- Franklin P. Jones
37519%
37520"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
37521%
37522"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
37523
37524Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
37525The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
37526 -- Chuq Von Rospach
37527%
37528One Bell System - it sometimes works.
37529%
37530One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
37531%
37532One Bell System - it works.
37533%
37534One big pile is better than two little piles.
37535 -- Arlo Guthrie
37536%
37537One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
37538 -- Helen Keller
37539%
37540One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
37541mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
37542 -- J. Gustav White
37543%
37544One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
37545how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
37546 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
37547%
37548One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
37549%
37550One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
37551to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
37552a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
37553just stupid.
37554 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
37555%
37556One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
37557attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
37558smoke.
37559 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
37560releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
37561 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
37562resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
37563border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
37564 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
37565 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
37566Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
37567and march back home."
37568 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
37569 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
37570 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
37571to Poland three times and never invade?"
37572 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
37573%
37574One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
37575flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
37576developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
37577parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of
37578the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
37579revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then
37580Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
37581world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if
37582you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
37583there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope
37584looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
37585life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's
37586very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan
37587just jumped out with my knapsack."
37588%
37589One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
37590truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
37591"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
37592which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
37593guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
37594is death by hanging."
37595 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
37596 "I don't believe you."
37597 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
37598 "But that would make it the truth!"
37599 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
37600%
37601One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
37602decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
37603mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
37604way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
37605make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
37606this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
37607 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
37608success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
37609actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
37610there a number of details to be figured out.
37611 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
37612looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
37613some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
37614track."
37615 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
37616pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
37617eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
37618the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
37619behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
37620IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
37621And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
37622harmonic motion..."
37623%
37624One day,
37625A mad meta-poet,
37626With nothing to say,
37627Wrote a mad meta-poem
37628That started: "One day,
37629A mad meta-poet,
37630With nothing to say,
37631Wrote a mad meta-poem
37632That started: "One day,
37633[...]
37634sort of close".
37635Were the words that the poet,
37636Finally chose,
37637To bring his mad poem,
37638To some sort of close".
37639Were the words that the poet,
37640Finally chose,
37641To bring his mad poem,
37642To some sort of close".
37643%
37644One difference between a man and a machine
37645is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
37646%
37647One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
37648 -- Larry Gelbart
37649%
37650One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
37651Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
37652conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
37653merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
37654his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
37655 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
37656full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
37657been havin' all these years."
37658 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
37659Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
37660totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
37661drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
37662passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
37663with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
37664 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
37665head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
37666years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
37667%
37668One expresses well the love he does not feel.
37669 -- J. A. Karr
37670%
37671One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
37672%
37673One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
37674 -- George Herbert
37675%
37676One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
37677Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
37678a rivalry of aim.
37679 -- Henry Brook Adams
37680%
37681One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
37682 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
37683%
37684One good reason why computers can do more work than
37685people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
37686%
37687One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
37688%
37689One good thing about music,
37690Well, it helps you feel no pain.
37691So hit me with music;
37692Hit me with music now.
37693 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
37694%
37695One good turn asketh another.
37696 -- John Heywood
37697%
37698One good turn deserves another.
37699 -- Gaius Petronius
37700%
37701One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
37702%
37703One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
37704and end up with the atomic bomb.
37705 -- Marcel Pagnol
37706%
37707One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
37708 -- Confucius
37709%
37710One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
37711 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
37712%
37713One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
37714 -- Gustave Droz
37715%
37716One learns to itch where one can scratch.
37717 -- Ernest Bramah
37718%
37719ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
37720ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
37721%
37722One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
37723%
37724One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
37725one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
37726produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
37727represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
37728many ...
37729 -- Anthony Chevins
37730%
37731One man's constant is another man's variable.
37732 -- A. J. Perlis
37733%
37734One man's folly is another man's wife.
37735 -- Helen Rowland
37736%
37737One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
37738"Supernatural" is a null word.
37739%
37740One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
37741 -- George M. Cohan
37742%
37743One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
37744%
37745One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
37746can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
37747 -- Clifton Fadiman
37748%
37749One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
37750%
37751One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
37752will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
37753I'll tell you."
37754%
37755One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
37756without laughing.
37757 -- Oscar Wilde
37758%
37759One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
37760%
37761One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
37762%
37763One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
37764one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
37765percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
37766simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
37767nobody can touch him.
37768 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
37769%
37770One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
37771advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
37772mathematics.
37773 -- N. Wiener
37774%
37775One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
37776enough to give you presents they make at school.
37777 -- Robert Byrne
37778%
37779One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
37780unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
37781 -- Joyce Carol Oates
37782%
37783One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
37784do and always a clever thing to say.
37785 -- Will Durant
37786%
37787One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
37788Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
37789to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
37790be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
37791to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
37792understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
37793reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
37794time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
37795puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
37796genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
37797 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
37798%
37799One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
37800foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
37801 -- Joe Martin
37802%
37803One of the most striking differences between a
37804cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
37805 -- Mark Twain
37806%
37807One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
37808create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
37809retail."
37810 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
37811%
37812One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
37813need no answer.
37814 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
37815%
37816One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
37817seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
37818way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
37819in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
37820imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
37821%
37822One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
37823once had a publisher shot.
37824 -- Siegfried Unseld
37825%
37826One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
37827%
37828One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
37829thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
37830the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
37831hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
37832laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
37833 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
37834happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
37835And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
37836 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
37837%
37838One organism, one vote.
37839%
37840One person's error is another person's data.
37841%
37842One picture is worth 128K words.
37843%
37844One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
37845 -- Chinese proverb
37846%
37847One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
37848And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
37849And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
37850Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
37851Go ask Alice Call Alice
37852When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
37853
37854When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
37855Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
37856And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
37857 mushroom backwards
37858And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
37859Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
37860I think she'll know. Feed your head.
37861 Feed your head.
37862 Feed your head.
37863 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
37864%
37865One planet is all you get.
37866%
37867One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
37868is that there never was a plan in the first place.
37869%
37870One possible reason why things aren't going
37871according to plan is that there never was a plan.
37872%
37873One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
37874manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
37875they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
37876say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
37877study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
37878sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
37879strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
37880rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
37881be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
37882Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
37883Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
37884millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
37885support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
37886your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
37887of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
37888already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
37889 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
37890%
37891One reason why George Washington
37892Is held in such veneration:
37893He never blamed his problems
37894On the former Administration.
37895 -- George O. Ludcke
37896%
37897One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
37898should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
37899to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
37900virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
37901and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
37902many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
37903people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
37904is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
37905 -- Ronald Reagan
37906%
37907One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
37908%
37909One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
37910 -- Oscar Wilde
37911%
37912ONE SIZE FITS ALL:
37913 Doesn't fit anyone.
37914%
37915One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
37916%
37917One thing about the past.
37918It's likely to last.
37919 -- Ogden Nash
37920%
37921ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
37922my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
37923warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
37924cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
37925
37926I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
37927late.
37928 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
37929%
37930One thing the inventors can't seem to
37931get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
37932%
37933One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
37934sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
37935terror.
37936 -- W. K. Hartmann
37937%
37938One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
37939%
37940One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the
37941speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
37942going to be out that long."
37943 -- Steven Wright
37944%
37945One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
37946One toke over the line,
37947Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37948One toke over the line.
37949Waitin' for the train that goes home,
37950Hopin' that the train is on time,
37951Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37952One toke over the line.
37953%
37954One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
37955new model.
37956%
37957One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
37958%
37959One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
37960the stake while the votes were being counted.
37961 -- Thomas B. Reed
37962%
37963One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
37964because they bite.
37965 -- Vladimir Lenin
37966%
37967One-Shot Case Study, n:
37968 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
37969it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
37970%
37971On-line, adj.:
37972 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
37973computer.
37974%
37975Only a fool has no doubts.
37976%
37977Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
37978 -- Laurence Peter
37979%
37980Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
37981%
37982Only fools are quoted.
37983 -- Anonymous
37984%
37985Only God can make random selections.
37986%
37987Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
37988 -- Oscar Wilde
37989
37990Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
37991 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
37992%
37993Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
37994essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
37995 -- Alex Levine
37996
37997[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
37998hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
37999%
38000Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
38001to use the editorial "we".
38002%
38003Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
38004smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
38005%
38006Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
38007 -- Baba Ram Dass
38008%
38009Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
38010placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
38011and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
38012food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
38013unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
38014and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
38015modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
38016that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
38017postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
38018the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
38019May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
38020 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
38021%
38022Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
38023 -- Hannah Arendt
38024%
38025Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
38026busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
38027 -- Lao Tsu
38028%
38029Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
38030%
38031Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
38032%
38033Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
38034a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
38035or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
38036happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
38037windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
38038peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
38039 -- Sicilian police officer
38040%
38041Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
38042of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
38043%
38044Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
38045%
38046Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
38047%
38048Onward through the fog.
38049%
38050Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
38051%
38052Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
38053 -- Debbie VanDam
38054%
38055Opium is very cheap considering you don't
38056feel like eating for the next six days.
38057 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
38058%
38059Oppernockity tunes but once.
38060%
38061Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
38062work, so most people don't recognize them.
38063%
38064Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest people to
38065talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
38066crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
38067them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
38068%
38069Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
38070 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
38071%
38072Optimism, n:
38073The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
38074and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
38075those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
38076with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
38077to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
38078but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
38079%
38080OPTIMIST:
38081 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
38082
38083 A pessimist asked God for relief.
38084 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
38085 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
38086would justify them."
38087 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
38088something -- the mortality of the optimist."
38089 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38090%
38091OPTIMIST:
38092 Someone who goes down to the marriage
38093 bureau to see if his license has expired.
38094%
38095optimist, n:
38096 A bagpiper with a beeper.
38097%
38098Optimization hinders evolution.
38099%
38100Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
38101 -- Germaine Greer
38102%
38103Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
38104%
38105Order and simplification are the first steps toward
38106mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
38107 -- Thomas Mann
38108%
38109Oregano, n.:
38110 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
38111%
38112Oregon, n.:
38113 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
38114night.
38115%
38116O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
38117Cleanliness is next to impossible
38118%
38119Oreo
38120%
38121Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
38122Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
38123 -- Mike Adams
38124%
38125Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
38126to people you could not have possibly met.
38127 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
38128%
38129Osborn's Law:
38130 Variables won't; constants aren't.
38131%
38132Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
38133%
38134Other women cloy
38135The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
38136Where most she satisfies.
38137 -- Antony and Cleopatra
38138%
38139Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
38140%
38141Others will look to you for stability,
38142so hide when you bite your nails.
38143%
38144O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
38145 Murphy was an optimist.
38146%
38147Ouch! That felt good!
38148 -- Karen Gordon
38149%
38150"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
38151system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
38152
38153"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
38154any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
38155 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
38156%
38157Our business in life is not to succeed
38158but to continue to fail in high spirits.
38159 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
38160%
38161Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
38162local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash
38163award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
38164His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
38165by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
38166home-made, hand-held model.
38167
38168Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
38169to the Pentagon free of charge:
38170
38171 a. Don't kill anybody.
38172 b. Don't build things that do.
38173 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
38174
38175We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
38176 -- Sojourners
38177%
38178Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
38179but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
38180%
38181Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
38182office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
38183were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
38184juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop.
38185
38186He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
38187
38188Her reply:
38189
38190 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
38191 means to be a programmer."
38192%
38193Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
38194continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
38195emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
38196did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
38197Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
38198to have been quite real.
38199 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
38200%
38201Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
38202%
38203Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
38204 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
38205%
38206Our little systems have their day;
38207They have their day and cease to be;
38208They are but broken lights of thee.
38209 -- Tennyson
38210%
38211Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
38212Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
38213In kernel as it is in user.
38214%
38215Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
38216to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
38217rain, we were punished.
38218 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
38219%
38220Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
38221 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
38222%
38223Our problems are so serious that the best
38224way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
38225%
38226Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
38227We their sons are more worthless than they:
38228so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
38229 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
38230%
38231Our swords shall play the orators for us.
38232 -- Christopher Marlowe
38233%
38234Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
38235In all of the directions it can whiz;
38236As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
38237Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
38238So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
38239How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
38240And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
38241'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
38242 -- Monty Python
38243%
38244"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
38245 -- Alex Schure
38246%
38247Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
38248 -- General Omar N. Bradley
38249%
38250Ours is a world where people don't know what they
38251want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
38252%
38253Out of sight is out of mind.
38254 -- Arthur Clough
38255%
38256Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
38257 -- Immanuel Kant
38258%
38259Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
38260%
38261"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
38262it's too dark to read."
38263 -- Groucho Marx
38264%
38265Over the shoulder supervision is more a
38266need of the manager than the programming task.
38267%
38268Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
38269I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
38270%
38271Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
38272complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
38273rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
38274errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
38275design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
38276result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
38277problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
38278system.
38279 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
38280 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2
38281 Concepts and Philosophies,"
38282 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
38283%
38284Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
38285continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
38286powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
38287victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
38288move?'
38289 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
38290%
38291Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
38292%
38293Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
38294%
38295Overheard:
38296 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
38297%
38298Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
38299%
38300Owe no man any thing...
38301 -- Romans 13:8
38302%
38303Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
38304concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
38305oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
38306much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
38307concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
38308takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
38309for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
38310oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
38311process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
38312always fatal.
38313
38314However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
38315fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
38316sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
38317considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
38318symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
38319
38320Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
38321the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
38322due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
38323in question.
38324
38325Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
38326tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
38327too late.
38328 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
38329%
38330Ozman's Laws:
38331 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
38332 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
38333 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
38334 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
38335%
38336paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
38337 vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
38338patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
38339Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
38340shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
38341sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
38342tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
38343 or as a vegetable.
38344troopa, n: A state policeman.
38345Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
38346yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
38347 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
38348%
38349PAIN:
38350 Falling out of a twenty story building,
38351 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
38352%
38353PAIN:
38354 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
38355%
38356PAIN:
38357 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
38358%
38359Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
38360%
38361Painting, n.:
38362 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
38363exposing them to the critic.
38364 -- Ambrose Bierce
38365%
38366Pandora's Rule:
38367 Never open a box you didn't close.
38368%
38369panic: can't find /
38370%
38371panic: kernal segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
38372%
38373panic: kernel trap (ignored)
38374%
38375Paprika Measure:
38376
38377 2 dashes == 1smidgen
38378 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
38379 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
38380 2 soupcons == too much paprika
38381%
38382Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
38383better.
38384 -- Laurie Anderson
38385%
38386Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
38387%
38388Paralysis through analysis.
38389%
38390PARANOIA:
38391 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
38392%
38393Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
38394%
38395Paranoia is heightened awareness.
38396%
38397Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
38398%
38399Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
38400Now ... just try to find out where!
38401%
38402Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
38403%
38404Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
38405to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
38406 -- D. J. Hicks
38407%
38408Pardon me while I laugh.
38409%
38410Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
38411%
38412Pardo's First Postulate:
38413 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
38414fattening.
38415
38416Arnold's Addendum:
38417 Everything else causes cancer in rats.
38418%
38419Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
38420didn't have much of anything to do with it.
38421%
38422Parker's Law:
38423 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
38424%
38425Parkinson's Fifth Law:
38426 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
38427 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
38428%
38429Parkinson's Fourth Law:
38430 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
38431 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
38432%
38433Parsley is gharsley.
38434 -- Ogden Nash
38435%
38436Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
38437%
38438PARTY:
38439 A gathering where you meet people who drink
38440 so much you can't even remember their names.
38441%
38442Pascal:
38443 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
38444 in his grave if he knew about it.
38445 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
38446%
38447Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
38448 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
38449%
38450Pascal is not a high-level language.
38451 -- Steven Feiner
38452%
38453"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
38454 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
38455%
38456Pascal, n.:
38457 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
38458his grave if he knew about it.
38459%
38460Pascal Users:
38461 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
38462 Please modify your programs accordingly.
38463%
38464Pascal Users:
38465 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
38466 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
38467%
38468Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
38469 -- Eric Hoffer
38470%
38471Password:
38472%
38473Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
38474%
38475Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
38476 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
38477 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
38478 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
38479 CREEPING things...
38480Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
38481P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
38482 can get in.
38483A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
38484P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
38485 CATERPILLARS!
38486[...]
38487P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
38488 a LITTLE SQUIRREL?
38489A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
38490P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
38491A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
38492 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
38493P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
38494A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
38495 par for the course, Charlie.
38496 -- Firesign Theatre
38497%
38498Patageometry, n.:
38499 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
38500under brain transplants.
38501%
38502Patch griefs with proverbs.
38503 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
38504%
38505patent:
38506 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
38507%
38508"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
38509(crosses stream)
38510"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
38511 -- Eyeore
38512%
38513Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
38514 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
38515%
38516Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
38517 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
38518%
38519Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
38520 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
38521
38522In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
38523resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
38524inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
38525 -- Ambrose Bierce
38526
38527When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
38528he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
38529 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
38530
38531Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
38532 -- Boies Penrose
38533%
38534Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
38535 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
38536%
38537Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
38538 -- Oscar Wilde
38539%
38540Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
38541 -- Gauss
38542%
38543Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
38544%
38545Paul's Law:
38546 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
38547save.
38548%
38549Paul's Law:
38550 You can't fall off the floor.
38551%
38552Pause for storage relocation.
38553%
38554paycheck:
38555 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
38556 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
38557 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
38558 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
38559%
38560Payeen to a Twang
38561Derrida
38562Ore-Ida
38563potato.
38564
38565If you dared,
38566I'd ask you
38567to go dig
38568up your ides under brown-
38569tubered skies.
38570
38571where pitchforked
38572you will ask
38573Derrida?
38574%
38575Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
38576%
38577Peace cannot be kept by force; it
38578can only be achieved by understanding.
38579 -- A. Einstein
38580%
38581Peace is much more precious than a piece
38582of land... let there be no more wars.
38583 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
38584%
38585Peace, n.:
38586 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
38587periods of fighting.
38588 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38589%
38590Peanut Blossoms
38591
385924 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
385934 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
385944 cups shortening 14 cups flour
385958 eggs 4 tsp. soda
385964 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
38597
38598Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
38599cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
38600each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
38601to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
38602%
38603Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
38604 Never eat rutabaga on any day of
38605 the week that has a "y" in it.
38606%
38607Pedaeration, n.:
38608 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
38609sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
38610 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38611%
38612pediddel:
38613 A car with only one working headlight.
38614 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
38615%
38616Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
38617when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
38618baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
38619diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
38620at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
38621Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
38622motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
38623base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
38624What is it?"
38625 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
38626hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
38627Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
38628to Sax.'"
38629 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
38630%
38631Peeping Tom:
38632 A window fan.
38633%
38634Peers's Law:
38635The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
38636%
38637Pelorat sighed.
38638 "I will never understand people."
38639 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
38640at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
38641worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
38642if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
38643weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
38644people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
38645-- no offense intended."
38646 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
38647%
38648Penguin Trivia #46:
38649 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
38650 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
38651%
38652PENGUINICITY!!
38653%
38654pension:
38655 A federally insured chain letter.
38656%
38657People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
38658attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
38659suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
38660case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
38661only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
38662tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
38663 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
38664%
38665People are beginning to notice you.
38666Try dressing before you leave the house.
38667%
38668People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
38669%
38670People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
38671%
38672People don't change; they only become more so.
38673%
38674People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
38675times, four time, five times...
38676%
38677People in general do not willingly read
38678if they have anything else to amuse them.
38679 -- S. Johnson
38680%
38681People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
38682 -- The Best of Will Rogers
38683%
38684People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
38685 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
38686%
38687People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
38688election.
38689 -- Otto von Bismarck
38690%
38691People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
38692rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
38693 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
38694%
38695People often find it easier to be a
38696result of the past than a cause of the future.
38697%
38698People respond to people who respond.
38699%
38700People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
38701*know* me there!
38702 -- D. L. Roth
38703%
38704People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
38705have been left out on the pleasure.
38706 -- Russell Baker
38707%
38708People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
38709absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
38710public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
38711the concentration camps.
38712%
38713People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
38714%
38715People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
38716to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
38717it too.
38718%
38719People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
38720 -- Ken Kesey
38721%
38722People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
38723%
38724People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
38725much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
38726 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
38727%
38728People who claim they don't let little things bother
38729them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
38730%
38731People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
38732 -- Abigail Van Buren
38733%
38734People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
38735%
38736People who have no faults are terrible;
38737there is no way of taking advantage of them.
38738%
38739People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
38740what they want that they don't want it.
38741 -- Ogden Nash
38742%
38743People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
38744%
38745People who push both buttons should get their wish.
38746%
38747People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
38748%
38749People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
38750cold baths.
38751%
38752People who think they know everything
38753greatly annoy those of us who do.
38754%
38755People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
38756Franklin said it first.
38757%
38758People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
38759%
38760People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
38761did yesterday.
38762%
38763People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
38764%
38765People's Action Rules:
38766 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
38767 (2) Some people who should, won't.
38768 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
38769 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
38770 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
38771%
38772Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
38773 -- R. W. Hamming
38774%
38775Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
38776[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
38777or
38778[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
38779 -- Aelius Donatus
38780%
38781Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
38782%
38783perfect guest:
38784 One who makes his host feel at home.
38785%
38786Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
38787anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
38788 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
38789%
38790Performance:
38791 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
38792 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
38793 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
38794%
38795Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
38796I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
38797 -- Oscar Wilde
38798%
38799Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
38800poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
38801 -- Thomas Macaulay
38802%
38803Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
38804%
38805Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
38806behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
38807order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
38808fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
38809%
38810Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is
38811being a bore.
38812 -- Cecil Beaton
38813%
38814Perilous to all of us are the devices of
38815an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
38816 -- Gandalf the Grey
38817%
38818Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
38819upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
38820nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
38821news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
38822the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
38823prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
38824periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
38825negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
38826periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
38827on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
38828case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
38829nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
38830proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
38831civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
38832by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
38833indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
38834instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
38835developments."
38836 -- Fowler's English Usage
38837%
38838Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
38839a merit in political leaders.
38840 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
38841%
38842Personifiers of the world, unite!
38843You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38844 -- Bernadette Bosky
38845%
38846Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38847%
38848Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
38849persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
38850to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
38851 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
38852%
38853pessimist:
38854 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
38855 wolf from the door.
38856
38857optimist:
38858 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
38859 his pants.
38860
38861opportunist:
38862 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
38863%
38864Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
38865Waiter: Who told you?
38866Pete: A little swallow.
38867%
38868Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
38869 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
38870emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
38871identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
38872Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
38873%
38874Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
38875%
38876Peter's Law of Substitution:
38877 Look after the molehills, and the
38878 mountains will look after themselves.
38879
38880Peter's Principle of Success:
38881 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
38882
38883Peter's Principle:
38884 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
38885 his incompetence.
38886%
38887Peterson's Admonition:
38888 When you think you're going down for the third time --
38889 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
38890%
38891Peterson's Rules:
38892 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
38893 are filled with something sticky.
38894 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
38895 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
38896 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
38897%
38898petribar:
38899 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
38900 the window of a vending machine too long.
38901 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38902%
38903Phasers locked on target, Captain.
38904%
38905Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
38906exciting Camden, New Jersey.
38907%
38908Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
38909%
38910philosophy:
38911 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
38912%
38913philosophy:
38914 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
38915%
38916Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
38917 -- John Keats
38918%
38919Phone call for chucky-pooh.
38920%
38921phosflink:
38922 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
38923 will bring it back to life).
38924 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
38925%
38926Photographing a volcano is just about
38927the most miserable thing you can do.
38928 -- Robert B. Goodman
38929 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
38930%
38931Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
38932farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
38933chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
38934 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
38935%
38936Pick another fortune cookie.
38937%
38938Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
38939I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
38940Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
38941She left me not knowing what to do.
38942
38943Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
38944Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
38945The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
38946Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
38947
38948Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
38949I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
38950Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
38951With knowing I got noone left to blame.
38952Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
38953
38954Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
38955I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
38956I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
38957From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
38958 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
38959%
38960Pickle's Law:
38961 If Congress must do a painful thing,
38962 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
38963%
38964"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
38965hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
38966sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
38967%
38968Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
38969Not one damn thing do we solve.
38970 -- 1776
38971%
38972Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
38973%
38974Piece of cake!
38975 -- G. S. Koblas
38976%
38977Pig, n.:
38978 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
38979by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
38980inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
38981 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38982%
38983Pilfering Treasure property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are
38984ruthless in punishing little thieves.
38985 -- Diogenes
38986%
38987Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
38988 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
38989%
38990Piping down the valleys wild,
38991Piping songs of pleasant glee,
38992On a cloud I saw a child,
38993And he laughing said to me:
38994"Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
38995So I piped with merry cheer.
38996"Piper, pipe that song again;"
38997So I piped: he wept to hear.
38998 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
38999%
39000Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
39001the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
39002outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
39003 -- Love and Rockets
39004%
39005PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
39006 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
39007 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
39008 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
39009 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
39010 small animals.
39011%
39012PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
39013 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
39014 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
39015 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
39016 get run over by a bus.
39017%
39018PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
39019 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
39020 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
39021 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
39022 a car.
39023%
39024Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
39025 -- Don Marquis
39026%
39027pixel, n:
39028 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
39029 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
39030 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
39031 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
39032%
39033P-K4
39034%
39035"Plaese porrf raed."
39036 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
39037%
39038Plagiarize, plagiarize,
39039Let no man's work evade your eyes,
39040Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
39041Don't shade your eyes,
39042But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
39043Only be sure to call it research.
39044 -- Tom Lehrer
39045%
39046Planet Claire has pink hair.
39047All the trees are red.
39048No one ever dies there.
39049No one has a head....
39050%
39051Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
39052Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
39053 -- Green Lantern Comics
39054%
39055Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
39056because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
39057couldn't compete successfully with poets.
39058 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
39059 Shell"
39060%
39061PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
39062 What develops when two people get
39063 tired of making love to each other.
39064%
39065Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
39066them.
39067%
39068Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
39069table.
39070 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
39071%
39072Please don't put a strain on our friendship
39073by asking me to do something for you.
39074%
39075Please don't recommend me to your friends--
39076it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
39077%
39078PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
39079
39080Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
39081 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
39082%
39083Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
39084I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
39085%
39086Please go away.
39087%
39088Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
39089%
39090Please ignore previous fortune.
39091%
39092Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
39093%
39094Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
39095%
39096Please remain calm, it's no use both of
39097us being hysterical at the same time.
39098%
39099Please stand for the National Anthem:
39100
39101 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
39102 For we are young and free.
39103 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
39104 Our home is girt by sea.
39105 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
39106 Of beauty rich and rare.
39107 In history's page, let every stage
39108 Advance Australia Fair.
39109 In joyful strains then let us sing,
39110 Advance Australia Fair.
39111
39112Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39113%
39114Please stand for the National Anthem:
39115
39116 God save our Gracious Queen!
39117 Long live our Noble Queen!
39118 God save the Queen!
39119 Send her victorious,
39120 Happy and glorious,
39121 Long to reign o'er us!
39122 God save the Queen!
39123
39124Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39125%
39126Please stand for the National Anthem:
39127
39128 O Canada
39129 Our home and native land
39130 True patriot love
39131 In all thy sons' command
39132 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
39133 The true north strong and free
39134 From far and wide, O Canada
39135 We stand on guard for thee
39136 God keep our land glorious and free
39137 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
39138 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
39139
39140Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39141%
39142Please stand for the National Anthem:
39143
39144 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
39145 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
39146 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
39147 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
39148 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
39149 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
39150 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
39151 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
39152
39153Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39154%
39155Please take note:
39156%
39157Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
39158until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
39159we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
39160 -- N. Meyrowitz
39161%
39162Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
39163%
39164PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
39165solution set.
39166 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
39167%
39168Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
39169of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
39170an uncontainable experience.
39171 -- R. S. Knapp
39172%
39173PLUG IT IN!!!
39174%
39175PLUNDERER'S THEME
39176(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
39177
39178Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
39179If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
39180Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
39181Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
39182%
39183Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
39184%
39185Pohl's law:
39186 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
39187%
39188poisoned coffee, n:
39189 Grounds for divorce.
39190%
39191Poland has gun control.
39192%
39193Police: Good evening, are you the host?
39194Host: No.
39195Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
39196Host: About the drugs?
39197Police: No.
39198Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
39199Police: No, the noise.
39200Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
39201 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
39202 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
39203 The neighbors?
39204Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
39205 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
39206 ask the host to quiet things down?
39207Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
39208 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
39209 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
39210 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
39211 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
39212 down.
39213%
39214Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
39215teach children.
39216 -- W. H. Auden
39217%
39218Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
39219here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
39220 -- Alfred E. Neuman
39221%
39222Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
39223all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
39224%
39225Politician, n.:
39226 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
39227organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
39228agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
39229with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
39230 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39231%
39232Politician, n.:
39233 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
39234"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
39235"polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
39236 -- Martin Pitt
39237%
39238Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
39239to build a bridge even where there is no river.
39240 -- Nikita Khrushchev
39241%
39242Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
39243 -- Arthur C. Clarke
39244%
39245Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
39246been, and never will be wrong.
39247 -- Walter Dwight
39248%
39249Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
39250funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
39251 -- Oscar Ameringer
39252%
39253Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
39254without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
39255for politics.
39256 -- Albert Camus
39257%
39258Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
39259dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
39260 -- Winston Churchill
39261%
39262Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
39263systematic organisation of hatreds.
39264 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
39265%
39266Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
39267enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
39268%
39269Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
39270between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
39271 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
39272%
39273Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
39274realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
39275 -- Ronald Reagan
39276%
39277Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
39278week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
39279explain why it didn't happen.
39280 -- Winston Churchill
39281%
39282Politics, like religion, hold up the
39283torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.
39284 -- Thomas Jefferson
39285%
39286Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
39287 -- Amy Gorin
39288%
39289politics, n:
39290 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
39291 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
39292 -- Ambrose Bierce
39293%
39294Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
39295 The hyperactive child is never absent.
39296%
39297POLYGON:
39298 Dead parrot.
39299%
39300Polymer physicists are into chains.
39301%
39302Poorman's Rule:
39303 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
39304 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
39305 pull it open.
39306%
39307Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
39308Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
39309smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
39310on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
39311possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
39312
39313 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
39314 Half a pound of treacle
39315 That's the way the chimney smokes
39316 Pope Goestheveezl
39317
39318The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
39319streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
39320functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
39321Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
39322 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
39323%
39324Populus vult decipi.
39325[The people like to be deceived.]
39326%
39327Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
39328 -- Risky Business
39329%
39330Portable, adj.:
39331 Survives system reboot.
39332%
39333POSITIVE:
39334 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
39335%
39336Positive, adj.:
39337 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
39338 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39339%
39340Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
39341 -- Ryan
39342%
39343Post proelium, praemium.
39344[After the battle, the reward.]
39345%
39346Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
39347%
39348Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
39349
39350 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
39351left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
39352populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
39353him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
39354line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
39355
39356 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
39357fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
39358unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
39359with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
39360with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
39361diets that are driving them crazy.
39362
39363 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
39364Except with sour cream.
39365%
39366Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
39367
39368 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
39369McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
39370to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
39371behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
39372
39373 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
39374rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
39375of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
39376general butter-melting by all.
39377
39378 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
39379Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
39380%
39381Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
39382%
39383POVERTY:
39384 An unfortunate state that persists as long
39385 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
39386%
39387Poverty begins at home.
39388%
39389Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
39390poor people.
39391 -- Don Herold
39392%
39393Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
39394 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
39395%
39396Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
39397 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
39398%
39399Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
39400%
39401Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
39402 -- Vint Cerf
39403%
39404Power is poison.
39405%
39406Power is the finest token of affection.
39407%
39408Power, like a desolating pestilence,
39409Pollutes whate'er it touches...
39410 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
39411%
39412Power, n:
39413 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
39414%
39415Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
39416 -- Lord Acton
39417%
39418PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
39419%
39420Practical people would be more practical if
39421they would take a little more time for dreaming.
39422 -- J. P. McEvoy
39423%
39424Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
39425 -- Henry Adams
39426%
39427Practically perfect people never permit
39428sentiment to muddle their thinking.
39429 -- Mary Poppins
39430%
39431Practice is the best of all instructors.
39432 -- Publilius
39433%
39434Practice yourself what you preach.
39435 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
39436%
39437PRAIRIES:
39438 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
39439%
39440Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
39441 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
39442%
39443Praise the sea; on shore remain.
39444 -- John Florio
39445%
39446pray, n:
39447 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
39448 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
39449 -- Ambrose Bierce
39450%
39451Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
39452 -- Russian Proverb
39453%
39454Predestination was doomed from the start.
39455%
39456Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
39457 -- Niels Bohr
39458%
39459Prejudice:
39460 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
39461 -- Ambrose Bierce
39462%
39463Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
39464 -- D. E. Knuth
39465%
39466Preserve the old, but know the new.
39467%
39468Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
39469%
39470Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
39471%
39472President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
39473pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
39474%
39475President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
39476of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
39477 -- The Washington Post
39478%
39479Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
39480%
39481Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
39482 It's on the other side.
39483%
39484Price's Advice:
39485 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
39486%
39487[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
39488the working man, he loves to see him work.
39489 -- Winston Churchill
39490%
39491[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
39492largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
39493 -- Winston Churchill
39494%
39495Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
39496For having it off with his Mater;
39497 Revenge Dad or not?
39498 That's the gist of the plot,
39499And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
39500 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
39501%
39502Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
39503taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
39504all I know.
39505 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
39506%
39507Priority:
39508 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
39509 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
39510 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
39511 badly than someone else.
39512%
39513Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
39514 -- Blake
39515%
39516Prizes are for children.
39517 -- Charles Ives,
39518 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
39519%
39520Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
39521%
39522Probable-Possible, my black hen,
39523She lays eggs in the Relative When.
39524She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
39525Because she's unable to postulate How.
39526 -- Frederick Winsor
39527%
39528Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
39529orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
39530is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
39531 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
39532 Teen Should Know"
39533%
39534PROBLEM DRINKER:
39535 A man who never buys.
39536%
39537Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
39538And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
39539for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
39540I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
39541 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
39542%
39543Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
39544 encryption standard and they came up with ...
39545Student: EBCDIC!
39546%
39547Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
39548%
39549Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
39550midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
39551Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
39552has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
39553%
39554PROGRAM:
39555 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
39556 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
39557 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
39558 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
39559%
39560program, n:
39561 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
39562 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
39563 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
39564%
39565Programmers do it bit by bit.
39566%
39567Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
39568without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
39569 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
39570%
39571Programming Department:
39572 Mistakes made while you wait.
39573%
39574Programming is an unnatural act.
39575%
39576Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
39577build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
39578to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
39579
39580 -- Rich Cook
39581%
39582PROGRESS:
39583 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
39584 invading the body and taking possession of it.
39585
39586 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
39587 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
39588%
39589Progress is impossible without change, and those who
39590cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
39591 -- George Bernard Shaw
39592%
39593Progress means replacing a theory that
39594is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
39595%
39596Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
39597 -- Ogden Nash
39598%
39599Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
39600 -- James Thurber
39601%
39602Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
39603%
39604Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
39605%
39606PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
39607 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
39608 level where they can't foul up operations.
39609%
39610Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
39611%
39612Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
39613
39614This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
39615techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
39616
39617SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
39618
39619 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
39620for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
39621as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
39622trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
39623take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
39624 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
39625%
39626Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
39627 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
39628(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
39629(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
39630(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
39631 legs for a horse.
39632(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
39633(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
39634
39635Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
39636 Intimidation
39637 Gesticulation (handwaving)
39638 "Try it; it works"
39639 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
39640 Blatant assertion
39641 Changing all the 2's to _n's
39642 Mutual consent
39643 Lack of a counterexample, and
39644 "It stands to reason"
39645%
39646Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
39647but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
39648 -- Darrell Huff
39649%
39650Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39651
39652BBW Branch Both Ways
39653BEW Branch Either Way
39654BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
39655BH Branch and Hang
39656BMR Branch Multiple Registers
39657BOB Branch On Bug
39658BPO Branch on Power Off
39659BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
39660CDS Condense and Destroy System
39661CLBR Clobber Register
39662CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
39663CM Circulate Memory
39664CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
39665CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
39666CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
39667%
39668Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39669
39670DC Divide and Conquer
39671DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
39672DO Divide and Overflow
39673EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
39674EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
39675EROS Erase Read Only Storage
39676EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
39677HCF Halt and Catch Fire
39678IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
39679INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
39680PBC Print and Break Chain
39681PDSK Punch Disk
39682%
39683Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39684
39685PI Punch Invalid
39686POPI Punch Operator Immediately
39687PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
39688RASC Read And Shred Card
39689RPM Read Programmers Mind
39690RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
39691RTAB Rewind tape and break
39692RWDSK rewind disk
39693RWOC Read Writing On Card
39694SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write
39695SLC Search for Lost Chord
39696SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
39697SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
39698STROM Store in Read Only Memory
39699TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
39700WBT Water Binary Tree
39701%
39702Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
39703 -- Publilius Syrus
39704%
39705Prototype designs always work.
39706 -- Don Vonada
39707%
39708prototype, n.
39709 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
39710 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
39711 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
39712 prototype is not expected to work.
39713%
39714"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
39715than the both put together."
39716%
39717Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
39718where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
39719%
39720Prunes give you a run for your money.
39721%
39722Pryor's Observation:
39723 How long you live has nothing to do
39724 with how long you are going to be dead.
39725%
39726Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
39727three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
39728%
39729Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
39730shortcomings.
39731 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
39732%
39733Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
39734%
39735Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
39736a therapy.
39737 -- Karl Kraus
39738
39739Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
39740
39741Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
39742 -- Carl G. Jung
39743%
39744psychologist, n:
39745 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
39746 into a room.
39747%
39748Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
39749Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
39750Biologists think they're biochemists.
39751Biochemists think they're chemists.
39752Chemists think they're physical chemists.
39753Physical chemists think they're physicists.
39754Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
39755Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
39756Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
39757Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
39758Philosophers think they're gods.
39759%
39760Psychology. Mind over matter.
39761Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
39762Never mind.
39763%
39764Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
39765anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
39766 -- H. L. Mencken
39767%
39768Public use of any portable music system is a
39769virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
39770 -- Zoso
39771%
39772Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
39773a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
39774%
39775Pudder's Law:
39776 Anything that begins well will end badly.
39777 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
39778%
39779Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
39780%
39781Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
39782to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
39783to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
39784cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
39785fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
39786lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
39787the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
39788 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
39789%
39790Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
39791%
39792PURGE COMPLETE.
39793%
39794PURITAN:
39795 Someone who is deathly afraid that
39796 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
39797%
39798Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
39799 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
39800%
39801PURPITATION:
39802 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
39803 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
39804 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
39805%
39806Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
39807%
39808Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
39809%
39810Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
39811%
39812Pushing forty is exercise enough.
39813%
39814Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
39815Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
39816Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
39817 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
39818 of Texas.
39819%
39820Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
39821 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
39822%
39823Put another password in,
39824Bomb it out, then try again.
39825Try to get past logging in,
39826We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
39827
39828Try his first wife's maiden name,
39829This is more than just a game.
39830It's real fun, but just the same,
39831It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
39832%
39833Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
39834%
39835Put no trust in cryptic comments.
39836%
39837Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
39838%
39839Put your best foot forward.
39840Or just call in and say you're sick.
39841%
39842Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
39843%
39844Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
39845 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
39846%
39847Put your trust in those who are worthy.
39848%
39849Putt's Law:
39850 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
39851 Those who understand what they do not manage.
39852 Those who manage what they do not understand.
39853%
39854Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
39855%
39856Q: Are we not men?
39857A: We are Vaxen.
39858%
39859Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
39860A: One per person.
39861%
39862Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
39863A: He got re-possessed!
39864%
39865Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
39866A: With three more bullets.
39867%
39868Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
39869 your wife?
39870A: You have to wait 22 months.
39871%
39872Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
39873 in a hurricane?
39874A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
39875%
39876Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
39877A: When his lips move.
39878%
39879Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
39880A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
39881
39882Q: But how did he get back down?
39883A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
39884%
39885Q: How did the regular expression cross the road?
39886A: ^.*$
39887%
39888Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
39889A: Unique up on it!
39890
39891Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
39892A: The tame way!
39893%
39894Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
39895%
39896Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
39897A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
39898%
39899Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
39900A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
39901%
39902Q: How do you make an elephant float?
39903A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
39904%
39905Q: How do you play religious roulette?
39906A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
39907 struck by lightning first.
39908%
39909Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
39910A: Throw him a rock.
39911%
39912Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
39913A: With a blue-elephant gun.
39914
39915Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
39916A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
39917 a blue-elephant gun.
39918%
39919Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
39920A: Take away his credit cards.
39921%
39922Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
39923 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
39924A: He changes the domain.
39925%
39926Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
39927A: She asks them for a commitment.
39928%
39929Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
39930A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
39931%
39932Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
39933A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
39934 of license fee (binary only).
39935%
39936Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39937A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
39938 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
39939%
39940Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39941A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
39942 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
39943 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
39944
39945Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39946A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
39947 those Californians trying to share the experience.
39948%
39949Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39950A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
39951%
39952Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
39953A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
39954
39955Q: How long does it take?
39956A: It's indeterminate.
39957 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
39958
39959Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
39960A: They replace your generator.
39961%
39962Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
39963A: One more than you can find.
39964%
39965Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
39966A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
39967
39968Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
39969A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
39970
39971Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
39972A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
39973
39974Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
39975A: The door won't shut.
39976
39977Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
39978A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
39979%
39980Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39981A: None. We'll fix it in software.
39982
39983Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
39984A: None. The application can work around it.
39985
39986Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39987A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
39988
39989Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39990A: None. The user can figure it out.
39991%
39992Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39993A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
39994%
39995Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
39996A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
39997%
39998Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
39999A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
40000%
40001Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
40002A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
40003 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
40004 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
40005 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
40006 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
40007%
40008Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40009A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
40010 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
40011 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
40012 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
40013 the bulb in the first place.
40014%
40015Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40016A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
40017%
40018Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40019A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
40020party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
40021agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
40022from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
40023upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
40024the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
40025at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
40026the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
40027second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
40028parties.
40029 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
40030limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
40031elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
40032means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
40033of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
40034non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
40035becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
40036have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
40037consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
40038Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
40039shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
40040occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
40041step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
40042should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
40043The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
40044first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
40045produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
40046%
40047Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40048A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
40049 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
40050%
40051Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
40052A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
40053%
40054Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40055A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
40056%
40057Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40058A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
40059 to the earlier joke.
40060%
40061Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
40062 light bulb?
40063A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
40064 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
40065 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
40066 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
40067 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
40068 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
40069 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
40070 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
40071 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
40072 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
40073 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
40074 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
40075 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
40076 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
40077 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
40078 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
40079 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
40080 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
40081%
40082Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
40083 bulb?
40084A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
40085 witness.
40086%
40087Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
40088A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
40089 out from under him.
40090%
40091Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
40092A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
40093 to really want to change.
40094%
40095Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
40096A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
40097 the ship out of disgrace."
40098
40099 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
40100 a fight. They consider this it to be a discrace, though it's
40101 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
40102%
40103Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
40104A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
40105 with brightly colored machine tools.
40106
40107 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
40108%
40109Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
40110A: One.
40111%
40112Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
40113A: 2 bits.
40114%
40115Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
40116A: 9 edge down.
40117%
40118Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
40119 and putting wings on an elephant is?
40120A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
40121%
40122Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
40123A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
40124 bottles into the typewriter.
40125%
40126Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?
40127A: .+
40128%
40129Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
40130A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
40131
40132Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
40133 sunglasses?
40134A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
40135%
40136Q: What did the regular expression match?
40137A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match"
40138%
40139Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
40140A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
40141 they go down on you.
40142
40143Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
40144A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
40145
40146Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
40147 puzzle in only 6 months?
40148A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
40149%
40150Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
40151A: The very best person they can possibly be.
40152%
40153Q: What do monsters eat?
40154A: Things.
40155
40156Q: What do monsters drink?
40157A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
40158%
40159Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
40160A: The impossible dream.
40161%
40162Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love?
40163A: Rule the country.
40164%
40165Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
40166A: The same middle name.
40167%
40168Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
40169A: A dope ring.
40170
40171Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
40172A: To cover up the valve stem.
40173
40174Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
40175 puzzle in only 6 months?
40176A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
40177%
40178Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
40179A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
40180
40181Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
40182A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
40183%
40184Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
40185A: A stick.
40186%
40187Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
40188A: An interpreter.
40189
40190Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
40191A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
40192
40193Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
40194A: A wind tunnel.
40195%
40196Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
40197A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
40198
40199 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
40200 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
40201%
40202Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
40203 eating fruit, and singing?
40204A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
40205%
40206Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
40207A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
40208%
40209Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
40210A: A good start.
40211%
40212Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
40213 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
40214A: A deep C diva.
40215%
40216Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
40217A. A Christian Science Monitor.
40218%
40219Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
40220 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
40221A: A failure.
40222%
40223Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
40224 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
40225A: A howdah duty.
40226%
40227Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
40228 sheep bites you?
40229A: Ewe nicks.
40230%
40231Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
40232A: An offer you can't understand.
40233%
40234Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
40235A: Hot cross bunnies!
40236%
40237Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
40238A: Not enough sand.
40239%
40240Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning?
40241A: She goes home.
40242
40243Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
40244A: To keep her neck warm.
40245
40246Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
40247A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
40248%
40249Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
40250A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
40251 a delicious dessert.
40252%
40253Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
40254A: Open other end.
40255%
40256Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
40257A: Exploding sheep.
40258%
40259Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room?
40260A: A dinner party.
40261%
40262Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
40263A: Moby Pickle.
40264%
40265Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
40266A: Feet.
40267%
40268Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
40269A: A ball point carrot.
40270%
40271Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
40272A: Open other end.
40273%
40274Q: What is purple and commutes?
40275A: A boolean grape.
40276%
40277Q: What is purple and commutes?
40278A: An Abelian grape.
40279%
40280Q: What is purple and concord the world?
40281A: Alexander the Grape.
40282%
40283Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
40284 existentialist?"
40285A: "Is there a dog?"
40286%
40287Q: What is the difference between a duck?
40288A: One leg is both the same.
40289%
40290Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
40291A: Yogurt has culture.
40292%
40293Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
40294A: Her bowling shoes.
40295%
40296Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
40297A: I think I'm drunk.
40298
40299Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
40300A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
40301
40302Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
40303A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
40304%
40305Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
40306A: Mu.
40307%
40308Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
40309A: A nervous wreck.
40310%
40311Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
40312 plays like a monkey?
40313A: Nothing.
40314%
40315Q: What regular expression do you often see around christmas?
40316A: [^L]
40317%
40318Q: What's black and white and red all over?
40319A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
40320%
40321Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
40322A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
40323%
40324Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
40325A: A doberman.
40326%
40327Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
40328A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
40329 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
40330
40331Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
40332A: Artificial intelligence.
40333
40334Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
40335A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
40336%
40337Q. What's the capital of Canada?
40338A. American.
40339%
40340Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
40341 lawyer in the road?
40342A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
40343%
40344Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
40345A: You can't get down off an elephant.
40346%
40347Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
40348A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
40349%
40350Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
40351A: The moustache.
40352%
40353Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
40354A: One more drunk.
40355%
40356Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
40357A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
40358%
40359Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
40360A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
40361%
40362Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
40363A: A canary with the super-user password.
40364%
40365Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
40366A: Zorn's Lemon.
40367%
40368Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
40369A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
40370
40371Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
40372A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
40373%
40374Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
40375A: Lawn Boy.
40376%
40377Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
40378A: Because they're worth it!
40379%
40380Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
40381A: Because he was hungry.
40382%
40383Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
40384A: To see what was on the other side.
40385
40386Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
40387A: More head room.
40388
40389Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
40390A: She opens the car door.
40391%
40392Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
40393A: He was giving it last rites.
40394%
40395Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
40396A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
40397
40398Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
40399A: To get to the other slide.
40400%
40401Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
40402A: To get to the other slide.
40403%
40404Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
40405A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
40406%
40407Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
40408A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
40409%
40410Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
40411A: Because that was her name.
40412%
40413Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
40414A: To get to the middle.
40415%
40416Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
40417A: To stamp out forest fires.
40418
40419Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
40420A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
40421%
40422Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
40423A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
40424%
40425Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
40426A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
40427%
40428Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
40429A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
40430 Oh, right, *of course*!
40431%
40432Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
40433A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
40434 an eye on the two intellectuals.
40435%
40436Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
40437 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
40438A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
40439%
40440Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
40441A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
40442
40443Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
40444A: To keep their ankles warm.
40445
40446Q: How do you kill a blonde?
40447A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
40448%
40449Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
40450A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
40451%
40452Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
40453A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
40454 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
40455 visiting, they always take three.
40456%
40457Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
40458A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
40459 gets all the credit.
40460%
40461Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
40462 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
40463A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
40464%
40465Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
40466A: It takes too long to retrain them.
40467
40468Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
40469A: All the blondes have gone home!
40470
40471Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
40472A: There's white-out on the screen.
40473%
40474Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
40475 soup in a plate?
40476A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
40477%
40478Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
40479A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
40480%
40481Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
40482A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
40483%
40484Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40485A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
40486 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
40487 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
40488 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
40489%
40490Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
40491 in San Francisco?
40492A: Both of them.
40493%
40494Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40495A: One and a half.
40496%
40497Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
40498A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
40499 of the way.
40500%
40501Q: What's a light-year?
40502A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
40503%
40504Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
40505A: Because it was on the other side.
40506%
40507Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What
40508 should I do?
40509
40510A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
40511 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be
40512 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No
40513 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
40514 somebody else has made the correction.
40515
40516 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
40517 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
40518 to inform the whole net right away!
40519
40520 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
40521 on Netiquette"
40522%
40523Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
40524A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
40525%
40526Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
40527A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
40528%
40529Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
40530A: The Titanic had a band.
40531%
40532QED.
40533%
40534QOTD:
40535 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
40536%
40537QOTD:
40538 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
40539%
40540QOTD:
40541 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
40542%
40543QOTD:
40544 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
40545%
40546QOTD:
40547 All I want is more than my fair share.
40548%
40549QOTD:
40550 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
40551 have to stop and breathe."
40552 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
40553%
40554QOTD:
40555 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
40556%
40557QOTD:
40558 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
40559%
40560QOTD:
40561 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
40562 I go to work."
40563%
40564QOTD:
40565 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
40566 save the earth!
40567%
40568QOTD:
40569 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
40570%
40571QOTD:
40572 "Her other car is a broom."
40573%
40574QOTD:
40575 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
40576 her to cook."
40577%
40578QOTD:
40579 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
40580%
40581QOTD:
40582 How can I miss you if you won't go away?
40583%
40584QOTD:
40585 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
40586%
40587QOTD:
40588 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
40589%
40590QOTD:
40591 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
40592other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
40593%
40594QOTD:
40595 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
40596%
40597QOTD:
40598 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
40599%
40600QOTD:
40601 I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
40602%
40603QOTD:
40604 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion."
40605%
40606QOTD:
40607 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
40608%
40609QOTD:
40610 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
40611 ball in their court.
40612 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
40613%
40614QOTD:
40615 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
40616 didn't work."
40617%
40618QOTD:
40619 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
40620 horse with one of the horns broken off."
40621%
40622QOTD:
40623 "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
40624%
40625QOTD:
40626 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
40627 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
40628%
40629QOTD:
40630 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
40631%
40632QOTD:
40633 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
40634 the lost."
40635%
40636QOTD:
40637 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
40638%
40639QOTD:
40640 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
40641%
40642QOTD:
40643 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
40644%
40645QOTD:
40646 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
40647 dog for dinner."
40648%
40649QOTD:
40650 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
40651 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
40652%
40653QOTD:
40654 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
40655%
40656QOTD:
40657 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
40658%
40659QOTD:
40660 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
40661%
40662QOTD:
40663 If it's too loud, you're too old.
40664%
40665QOTD:
40666 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
40667%
40668QOTD:
40669 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
40670%
40671QOTD:
40672 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
40673%
40674QOTD:
40675 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
40676%
40677QOTD:
40678 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
40679%
40680QOTD:
40681 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
40682
40683 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
40684%
40685QOTD:
40686 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
40687%
40688QOTD:
40689 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
40690%
40691QOTD:
40692 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
40693%
40694QOTD:
40695 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
40696 stations anymore."
40697%
40698QOTD:
40699 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
40700 hands in his own pockets."
40701%
40702QOTD:
40703 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
40704%
40705QOTD:
40706 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
40707%
40708QOTD:
40709 "It's been Monday all week today."
40710%
40711QOTD:
40712 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
40713%
40714QOTD:
40715 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
40716 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
40717%
40718QOTD:
40719 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
40720%
40721QOTD:
40722 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
40723 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
40724%
40725QOTD:
40726 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
40727 strike. To make less money."
40728%
40729QOTD:
40730 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
40731 all of my stuff."
40732%
40733QOTD:
40734 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
40735%
40736QOTD:
40737 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
40738 trivial."
40739%
40740QOTD:
40741 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
40742%
40743QOTD:
40744 "Let's do it."
40745 -- Gary Gilmore
40746%
40747QOTD:
40748 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
40749%
40750QOTD:
40751 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
40752 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
40753 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
40754 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
40755%
40756QOTD:
40757 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
40758%
40759QOTD:
40760 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
40761 her husband work."
40762%
40763QOTD:
40764 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
40765%
40766QOTD:
40767 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
40768%
40769QOTD:
40770 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
40771%
40772QOTD:
40773 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
40774 a fake?"
40775%
40776QOTD:
40777 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
40778%
40779QOTD:
40780 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
40781%
40782QOTD:
40783 "Our parents were never our age."
40784%
40785QOTD:
40786 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
40787%
40788QOTD:
40789 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
40790 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
40791%
40792QOTD:
40793 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
40794%
40795QOTD:
40796 "She's about as smart as bait."
40797%
40798QOTD:
40799 Silence is the only virtue he has left.
40800%
40801QOTD:
40802 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
40803%
40804QOTD:
40805 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
40806%
40807QOTD:
40808 Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
40809 I do what I get paid to do.
40810%
40811QOTD:
40812 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
40813 neck to get the dog to play with it."
40814%
40815QOTD:
40816 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
40817%
40818QOTD:
40819 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
40820 the snakes have gone away.
40821%
40822QOTD:
40823 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
40824%
40825QOTD:
40826 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
40827 left."
40828%
40829QOTD:
40830 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
40831%
40832QOTD:
40833 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
40834%
40835QOTD:
40836 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
40837 think he was broken!"
40838%
40839QOTD:
40840 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
40841 when I mess things up."
40842%
40843QOTD:
40844 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
40845 "baring your neck."
40846%
40847QOTD:
40848 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
40849%
40850QOTD:
40851 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
40852%
40853QOTD:
40854 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
40855 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great...
40856%
40857QOTD:
40858 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
40859 How... tribal."
40860%
40861QOTD:
40862 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
40863%
40864QOTD:
40865Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
40866to late to punish.
40867%
40868QOTD:
40869I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
40870then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
40871 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
40872%
40873QOTD:
40874"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
40875 -- Kathy Ireland
40876%
40877QOTD:
40878"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
40879%
40880QOTD:
40881Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency
40882on my part.
40883%
40884QOTD:
40885On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
40886%
40887QOTD:
40888Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
40889%
40890QOTD:
40891The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
40892gerbil has more dark meat.
40893%
40894Quack!
40895 Quack!! Quack!!
40896%
40897Quality control:
40898 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
40899 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
40900%
40901Quality Control, n.:
40902 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
40903a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
40904%
40905Quantity is no substitute for quality,
40906but its the only one we've got.
40907%
40908Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
40909 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
40910%
40911Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
40912%
40913QUARK:
40914 The sound made by a well bred duck.
40915%
40916Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
40917%
40918Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
40919exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
40920devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might eminate
40921from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
40922Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
40923weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
40924reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
40925 -- Dennis Miller
40926%
40927question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
40928 -- Wm. Shakespeare
40929%
40930QUESTION AUTHORITY.
40931
40932(Sez who?)
40933%
40934Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
40935they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
40936%
40937Questionable day.
40938Ask somebody something.
40939%
40940Question:
40941Man Invented Alcohol,
40942God Invented Grass.
40943Who do you trust?
40944%
40945Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
40946 -- Oscar Wilde
40947%
40948Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
40949%
40950Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
40951%
40952Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
40953
40954(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
40955%
40956Quigley's Law:
40957 Whoever has any authority over you,
40958 no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
40959%
40960Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
40961 -- Robert Orben
40962%
40963Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
40964After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
40965%
40966QUOTE OF THE DAY:
40967
40968 `
40969
40970%
40971Qvid me anxivs svm?
40972%
40973QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
40974 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
40975kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one
40976thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
40977painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
40978person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
40979 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
40980%
40981Radicalism:
40982 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
40983 -- A. Bierce
40984%
40985RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
40986READY
40987>_
40988%
40989Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
40990%
40991Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
40992 -- Albert Einstein
40993%
40994rain falls where clouds come
40995sun shines where clouds go
40996clouds just come and go
40997 -- Florian Gutzwiller
40998%
40999Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
41000%
41001Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
41002%
41003Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
41004%
41005Ralph's Observation:
41006It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
41007realise that you are in a hurry.
41008%
41009RAM wasn't built in a day.
41010%
41011Random, n:
41012 as in number, predictable.
41013 as in memory access, unpredictable.
41014%
41015Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
41016%
41017Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
41018 -- Errol Flynn
41019%
41020Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
41021saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
41022magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
41023bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
41024secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
41025when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
41026insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
41027before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
41028A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
41029engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
41030 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
41031%
41032Ray's Rule of Precision:
41033 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
41034%
41035Razors pain you;
41036Rivers are damp;
41037Acids stain you;
41038And drugs cause cramp.
41039Guns aren't lawful;
41040Nooses give;
41041Gas smells awful;
41042You might as well live.
41043 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
41044%
41045Re: Graphics:
41046 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
41047 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
41048 described with pictures.
41049%
41050Reach into the thoughts of friends,
41051And find they do not know your name.
41052Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
41053And watch the feathers burst the seams.
41054Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
41055And feel its chill upon your blood.
41056Hold a candle to the night,
41057And see the darkness bend the flame.
41058Tear the mask of peace from God,
41059And hear the roar of souls in hell.
41060Pluck a rose in name of love,
41061And watch the petals curl and wilt.
41062Lean upon the western wind,
41063And know you are alone.
41064 -- Dru Mims
41065%
41066Reactor error - core dumped!
41067%
41068Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
41069Congress. But I repeat myself.
41070 -- Mark Twain
41071%
41072Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
41073%
41074Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
41075%
41076Reagan can't act either.
41077%
41078Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
41079value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
41080much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
41081this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
41082%
41083Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
41084limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
41085so poor at I/O.
41086%
41087Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
41088so long they can't afford the disk space.
41089%
41090Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
41091in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
41092%
41093Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
41094`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
41095(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
41096%
41097Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
41098could they read their mail?
41099%
41100Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
41101future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
41102will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
41103%
41104Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
41105programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
41106trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
41107clear desks.
41108%
41109Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
41110doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
41111quiche.
41112%
41113Real programmers don't document; if it was
41114hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
41115%
41116Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
41117illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
41118good it did them.
41119%
41120Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
41121%
41122Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
41123you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
41124wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
41125spring up in the middle of the machine room.
41126%
41127Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
41128in BASIC after reaching puberty.
41129%
41130Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
41131freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
41132wear white socks.
41133%
41134Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
41135programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
41136%
41137Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
41138%
41139Real programs don't eat cache.
41140%
41141Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
41142use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
41143%
41144Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
41145This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
41146computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
41147%
41148Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
41149greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
41150moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
41151systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal
41152computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
41153DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
41154Correctness Verification Aid packages.
41155%
41156Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
41157job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
41158using an undocumented external procedure.
41159%
41160Real Time, adj.:
41161 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
41162and then.
41163%
41164Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
41165afraid to break your face.
41166%
41167Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
41168down the system for days.
41169%
41170Real Users hate Real Programmers.
41171%
41172Real Users know your home telephone number.
41173%
41174Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
41175program doesn't deliver it.
41176%
41177Real Users never use the Help key.
41178%
41179Real wealth can only increase.
41180 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
41181%
41182Real World, The n.:
41183 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
41184be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
41185programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
41186to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
41187tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4.
41188The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
41189"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
41190pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
41191of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
41192deceased person.
41193%
41194Reality -- what a concept!
41195 -- Robin Williams
41196%
41197Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
41198%
41199Reality does not exist - yet.
41200%
41201Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
41202%
41203Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
41204%
41205Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
41206 -- Patrick Sky
41207%
41208Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
41209 -- Lily Tomlin
41210%
41211Reality is for people who lack imagination.
41212%
41213Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
41214%
41215Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
41216 -- Alvy Ray Smith
41217%
41218Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
41219%
41220Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
41221 -- Lily Tomlin
41222%
41223"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
41224away".
41225 -- Philip K. Dick
41226%
41227Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
41228cannot be fooled.
41229 -- R. P. Feynman
41230%
41231Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
41232%
41233Reappraisal, n:
41234 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
41235%
41236Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
41237 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
41238%
41239Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
41240being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
41241 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
41242%
41243Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
41244%
41245Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
41246is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
41247 -- C. N. Parkinson
41248%
41249Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
41250his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
41251"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
41252microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
41253bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
41254Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
41255Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
41256"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
41257 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
41258%
41259Reception area, n:
41260 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
41261 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
41262 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
41263 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
41264 Cosmopolitan.
41265%
41266Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
41267lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
41268but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
41269Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
41270%
41271Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
41272 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
41273 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
41274 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
41275 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
41276 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
41277 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
41278 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
41279 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
41280 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
41281 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
41282 (8) Add an olive.
41283 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
41284%
41285Reclaimer, spare that tree!
41286Take not a single bit!
41287It used to point to me,
41288Now I'm protecting it.
41289It was the reader's CONS
41290That made it, paired by dot;
41291Now, GC, for the nonce,
41292Thou shalt reclaim it not.
41293%
41294Recursion is the root of computation
41295since it trades description for time.
41296%
41297Recursion: n. See Recursion.
41298 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
41299%
41300Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
41301administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
41302%
41303Regnant populi.
41304%
41305Regression analysis:
41306 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
41307 getting worse.
41308%
41309Reichel's Law:
41310 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
41311 an outside force.
41312%
41313Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
41314 -- Thomas Berger
41315%
41316Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
41317 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
41318%
41319Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
41320knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
41321 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
41322%
41323...relaxed in the manner of a man who
41324has no need to put up a front of any kind.
41325 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
41326%
41327Reliable source, n:
41328 The guy you just met.
41329%
41330Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
41331 -- Anatole France
41332%
41333Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
41334%
41335Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
41336 -- Napoleon
41337%
41338Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
41339%
41340Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
41341extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
41342 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
41343 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
41344%
41345"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
41346it."
41347 -- Dave Barry
41348%
41349Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
41350%
41351Remember Darwin; building a better
41352mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
41353%
41354Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
41355with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
41356deserts.
41357 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
41358%
41359Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
41360offense!
41361%
41362Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
41363%
41364Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
41365 -- Jim Samuels
41366%
41367Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
41368have an established user base.
41369%
41370Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
41371the first one.
41372 -- Confusion
41373%
41374"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
41375*not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
41376 -- Good Morning VietNam
41377%
41378Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
41379that you're the one holding it.
41380 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
41381%
41382Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
41383 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller)
41384 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
41385 Across The Eighth Dimension"
41386%
41387Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
41388 -- Dave Butler
41389%
41390Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
41391you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
41392 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
41393%
41394Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
41395 -- Hans Liepmann
41396%
41397Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
41398worse in Cleveland.
41399 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
41400%
41401Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
41402%
41403Remember the... the... uhh.....
41404%
41405Remember thee
41406Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
41407In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
41408Yea, from the table of my memory
41409I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
41410All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
41411That youth and observation copied there.
41412 -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet"
41413%
41414Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
41415%
41416Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
41417 -- Mt.
41418%
41419Remember: use logout to logout.
41420%
41421Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
41422 -- Chinese proverb
41423%
41424Remove me from this land of slaves,
41425Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
41426Where every knave and fool is bought,
41427Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
41428 -- Jonathan Swift
41429%
41430Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
41431does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
41432%
41433Renning's Maxim:
41434 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
41435%
41436Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
41437 -- Mark Twain
41438%
41439Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
41440 -- Indiana University footbal cheer
41441%
41442Reply hazy, ask again later.
41443%
41444Reporter:
41445 A writer who guesses his way to the truth
41446 and dispels it with a tempest of words.
41447 -- Ambrose Bierce
41448%
41449Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
41450Yogi Berra: "Closed."
41451%
41452Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
41453Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
41454%
41455Reporter, n.:
41456 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
41457tempest of words.
41458 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
41459%
41460REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
41461
41462SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
41463the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
41464carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
41465I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
41466of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
41467do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
41468ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
41469need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
41470career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
41471that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
41472can't help it.
41473 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
41474%
41475Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
41476 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
41477Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
41478%
41479Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
41480Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
41481
41482Democrats eat the fish they catch.
41483Republicans hang them on the wall.
41484
41485Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
41486Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
41487
41488Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
41489Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
41490
41491Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
41492That is why there are more Democrats.
41493 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
41494%
41495Reputation, adj:
41496 What others are not thinking about you.
41497%
41498Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
41499you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
41500so you're still a valiant nerd.
41501%
41502Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
41503and think what nobody else has thought.
41504%
41505Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
41506 -- Wernher von Braun
41507%
41508Research, n:
41509 Consider Columbus:
41510 He didn't know where he was going.
41511 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
41512 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
41513 And he did it all on someone else's money.
41514%
41515Resisting temptation is easier when you
41516think you'll probably get another chance later on.
41517%
41518Responsibility:
41519 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
41520a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
41521goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
41522is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
41523 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
41524%
41525Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
41526actually have a shot at it.
41527%
41528Reunite Gondwondaland!
41529%
41530Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
41531Bobby: Slow down.
41532Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
41533Bobby: Slow down.
41534Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
41535%
41536Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
41537%
41538Revenge is a meal best served cold.
41539%
41540Review Questions
41541
415421: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
41543 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
41544 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
41545 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
41546
415472: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
41548 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
41549 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
41550 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
41551
415523: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
41553 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
41554 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
41555 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
41556%
41557Revolution, n:
41558 A form of government abroad.
41559%
41560Revolution, n:
41561 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
41562 -- Ambrose Bierce
41563%
41564revolutionary, adj:
41565 Repackaged.
41566%
41567Rhode's Law:
41568 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
41569 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
41570 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
41571 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
41572 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
41573 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
41574 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
41575 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
41576 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
41577 assume otherwise, maybe.
41578%
41579Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
41580should be happier than others.
41581 -- Oscar Wilde
41582%
41583Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
41584He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
41585lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
41586world.
41587 -- Senator Barry Goldwater
41588%
41589Riches cover a multitude of woes.
41590 -- Menander
41591%
41592Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
41593Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
41594 going on here."
41595Croupier (handing money to Renault):
41596 "Your winnings, sir."
41597Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
41598 -- Casablanca
41599%
41600Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
41601Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
41602%
41603"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
41604 -- Steven Wright
41605%
41606"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
41607machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
41608rights, which they use or do not use.
41609 -- Lazarus Long
41610%
41611Ring around the collar.
41612%
41613Ritchie's Rule:
41614 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
41615 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
41616 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
41617%
41618Robot, n:
41619 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
41620%
41621Robot, n:
41622 University administrator.
41623%
41624Robustness, adj:
41625 Never having to say you're sorry.
41626%
41627Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
41628 Unless the results are known in advance,
41629 funding agencies will reject the proposal.
41630%
41631Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
41632become necessary.
41633 -- Edgar Friedenberg
41634%
41635Rome was not built in one day.
41636 -- John Heywood
41637%
41638Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
41639%
41640ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
41641MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
41642 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
41643%
41644Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
41645He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
41646Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
41647Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
41648 -- Elvis Costello
41649%
41650Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
41651 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
41652 Pogo"
41653%
41654Roses are red;
41655 Violets are blue.
41656I'm schizophrenic,
41657 And so am I.
41658%
41659Rotten wood cannot be carved.
41660 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
41661%
41662Round Numbers are always false.
41663 -- Samuel Johnson
41664%
41665Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
41666%
41667Rubber bands have snappy endings!
41668%
41669Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
41670Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
41671%
41672Rudd's Discovery:
41673 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
41674 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
41675 stay in Washington and make it there.
41676%
41677Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
41678%
41679Rudin's Law:
41680 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
41681 do it every time.
41682
41683Rudin's Second Law:
41684 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
41685 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
41686 course.
41687%
41688rugby, n:
41689 Elegant violence.
41690
41691 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
41692 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
41693 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
41694
41695 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
41696%
41697RUGGED:
41698 Too heavy to lift.
41699%
41700Rule #1:
41701 The Boss is always right.
41702
41703Rule #2:
41704 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
41705%
41706Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
41707 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
41708be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
41709shall be deemed to be a cat.
41710%
41711Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
41712 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
41713not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
41714sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
41715regain their composure.
41716%
41717Rule of Creative Research:
41718 1) Never draw what you can copy.
41719 2) Never copy what you can trace.
41720 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
41721%
41722Rule of Defactualization:
41723 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
41724%
41725Rule of Feline Frustration:
41726 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
41727 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
41728 bathroom.
41729%
41730Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
41731%
41732Rule of the Great:
41733 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
41734 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
41735%
41736Rule the Empire through force.
41737 -- Shogun Tokugawa
41738%
41739Rules:
41740 (1) The boss is always right.
41741 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
41742%
41743Rules for Academic Deans:
41744 (1) HIDE!!!!
41745 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
41746 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
41747%
41748Rules for driving in New York:
41749 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
41750 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
41751 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
41752 intersection.
41753%
41754Rules for Good Grammar #4.
41755 1: Don't use no double negatives.
41756 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
41757 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
41758 4: About them sentence fragments.
41759 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
41760 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
41761 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
41762 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
41763 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
4176410: Try to not ever split infinitives.
4176511: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
4176612: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
4176713: Correct speling is essential.
4176814: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
4176915: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
41770 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
41771 become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
41772%
41773Rules for Writers:
41774 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
41775negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
41776and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
41777omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
41778unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
41779a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
41780Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
41781Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
41782us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
41783snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
41784told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
41785avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
41786phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
41787death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
41788%
41789RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
41790 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
41791 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
41792 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
41793 (4) Enjoy your food.
41794 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
41795 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
41796 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
41797 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
41798 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
41799 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
41800 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
41801 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
41802 can always eat it later.
41803 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
41804 (11) Avoid blue food.
41805 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
41806%
41807Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
41808 -- Lao Tsu
41809%
41810Rune's Rule:
41811 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
41812%
41813Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
41814 -- John Cameron Swayze
41815%
41816Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
41817he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
41818 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
41819 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
41820 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
41821%
41822Ryan's Law:
41823 Make three correct guesses consecutively
41824 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
41825%
41826RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41827RY RY
41828RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY
41829RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY
41830RY RY
41831RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY
41832RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY
41833RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY
41834RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY
41835RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY
41836RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY
41837RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY
41838RY RY
41839RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41840.
41841.
41842SYSTEM READY.
41843?
41844 -- Chris Suslowicz
41845%
41846Sacher's Observation:
41847 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
41848%
41849Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
41850%
41851SADISM:
41852 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
41853%
41854sadoequinecrophilia, n:
41855 Beating a dead horse.
41856%
41857Safety Third.
41858%
41859Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
41860 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
41861
41862 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
41863 bugs, ants.
41864 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
41865 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
41866 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
41867 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
41868 6. People ignore you at parties.
41869 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
41870 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
41871%
41872SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
41873
41874 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
41875Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
41876to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
41877space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
41878violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
41879turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
41880center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
41881%
41882SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
41883 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
41884 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
41885 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
41886 laugh at you a great deal.
41887%
41888SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
41889 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
41890 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
41891 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
41892%
41893SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
41894 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
41895 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
41896 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
41897%
41898Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
41899got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
41900the ashtray."
41901%
41902Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
41903 -- Heard on Noahs' ark
41904%
41905Sailors in ships, sail on!
41906Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
41907%
41908Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
41909 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
41910%
41911Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
41912in small amounts over a long period of time.
41913 -- George Carlin
41914%
41915Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
41916 with me.
41917Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
41918 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
41919 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
41920 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
41921Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
41922Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
41923 uncharted waters here.
41924 -- Sally Forth
41925%
41926Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
41927Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
41928 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41929
41930Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
41931Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
41932 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41933
41934Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
41935Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
41936 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41937%
41938Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
41939Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
41940Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
41941Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
41942Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
41943 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
41944
41945Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
41946Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
41947 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
41948
41949Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
41950Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
41951 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
41952%
41953Sam: What do you say, Norm?
41954Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
41955 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
41956
41957Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
41958Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
41959 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
41960
41961Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
41962All: Norm! (Norman.)
41963Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
41964Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
41965 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
41966%
41967Sam: What's going on, Normie?
41968Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
41969 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
41970 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
41971
41972Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
41973Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
41974 Found him every couple of blocks.
41975 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
41976%
41977Sam: What's new, Norm?
41978Norm: Most of my wife.
41979 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
41980
41981Coach: Beer, Norm?
41982Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
41983 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
41984
41985Coach: What's doing, Norm?
41986Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
41987 to be the guinea pig.
41988 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
41989%
41990SAN DIEGO:
41991 Four million people, where you can't get a
41992 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
41993%
41994San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
41995people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
41996they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
41997One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
41998 -- George Halas, professional footbal coach
41999%
42000San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
42001 -- Herb Caen
42002%
42003San Francisco, n.:
42004 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
42005%
42006Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
42007%
42008Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
42009 -- Mark Harrold
42010%
42011Sank heaven for leetle curls.
42012%
42013Santa Claus is watching!
42014%
42015Santa Claus wears a red suit
42016He's a Communist.
42017
42018He has long hair and a beard
42019Must be a pacifist.
42020
42021And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
42022
42023Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
42024He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
42025
42026Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
42027 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
42028%
42029Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
42030%
42031Satellite Safety Tip #14:
42032 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
42033%
42034Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
42035%
42036Satire is tragedy plus time.
42037 -- Lenny Bruce
42038%
42039Satire is what closes in New Haven.
42040%
42041Satire is what closes Saturday night.
42042 -- George Kaufman
42043%
42044Sattinger's Law:
42045 It works better if you plug it in.
42046%
42047Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
42048Is like being nowhere at all,
42049All through the day how the hours rush by,
42050You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
42051 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
42052%
42053Satyrs have more faun.
42054%
42055Sauron is alive in Argentina!
42056%
42057Savage's Law of Expediency:
42058 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
42059%
42060Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
42061surprised at how little you have.
42062 -- Ernest Haskins
42063%
42064Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
42065 -- Jason Zions
42066%
42067Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
42068%
42069Save energy: be apathetic.
42070%
42071Save gas, don't eat beans.
42072%
42073Save gas, don't use the shell.
42074%
42075Save the bales!
42076%
42077Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
42078%
42079Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
42080%
42081Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
42082%
42083Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
42084Bust in business, lost your wife;
42085No one cares a cent about you,
42086You don't care a cent for life;
42087Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
42088Health is failing, wish you'd die--
42089Why, you've still the sunshine left you
42090And the big blue sky.
42091 -- R. W. Service
42092%
42093Say it with flowers,
42094Or say it with mink,
42095But whatever you do,
42096Don't say it with ink!
42097 -- Jimmie Durante
42098%
42099Say many of cameras focused t'us,
42100Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
42101No justice, please, curse ye!
42102We really want mercy:
42103You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
42104 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
42105%
42106Say my love is easy had,
42107Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
42108Say I am too often sad --
42109Still behold me at your side.
42110
42111Say I'm neither brave nor young,
42112Say I woo and coddle care,
42113Say the devil touched my tongue,
42114Still you have my heart to wear.
42115
42116But say my verses do not scan,
42117And I get me another man!
42118 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
42119%
42120Say no, then negotiate.
42121 -- Helga
42122%
42123Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
42124%
42125Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
42126%
42127SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
42128 -- Ken Thompson
42129%
42130SCENARIO:
42131 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
42132 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
42133 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
42134%
42135Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
42136%
42137Scene:
42138 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
42139room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
42140white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
42141filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
42142shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
42143intently watching him.
42144
42145Caption:
42146 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
42147%
42148Schapiro's Explanation:
42149 The grass is always greener on the other side --
42150 but that's because they use more manure.
42151%
42152Schizophrenia beats being alone.
42153%
42154schlattwhapper, n:
42155 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
42156 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
42157 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42158%
42159Schmidt's Observation:
42160 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
42161 than a thin person.
42162%
42163Schnuffel, n.:
42164 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
42165mixed company.
42166 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42167%
42168Schwiggle, n.:
42169 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
42170pencil.
42171 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42172%
42173Science and religion are in full accord but
42174science and faith are in complete discord.
42175%
42176Science Fiction, Double Feature.
42177Frank has built and lost his creature.
42178Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
42179The servants gone to a distant planet.
42180Wo, oh, oh, oh.
42181At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
42182I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
42183To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
42184 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
42185%
42186Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
42187collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
42188is a house.
42189 -- Jules Henri Poincare
42190%
42191Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
42192of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
42193is not necessarily science.
42194 -- Henri Poincair'e
42195%
42196Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
42197out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
42198 -- Richard Feynman
42199%
42200Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
42201%
42202Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
42203%
42204Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
42205%
42206Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
42207Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
42208Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
42209Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
42210How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
42211Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
42212To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
42213Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
42214Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
42215And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
42216To seek a shelter in some happier star?
42217Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
42218The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
42219The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
42220 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
42221%
42222Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
42223 -- William Buckley
42224
42225%
42226Scientists still know less about what attracts men
42227than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
42228 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
42229 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
42230%
42231Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
42232They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
42233was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
42234linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
42235started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
42236was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
42237struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
42238together. "There is now", came the reply.
42239%
42240Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
42241Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
42242Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
42243Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
42244Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
42245Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
42246%
42247Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
42248%
42249SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
42250 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
42251 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
42252 Scorpio people are murdered.
42253%
42254SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
42255 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
42256 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
42257 to throw up. Knock it off.
42258%
42259SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
42260 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
42261 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
42262 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
42263 to win. You never learn.
42264%
42265Scott's first Law:
42266 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
42267%
42268Scott's second Law:
42269 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
42270to have been wrong in the first place.
42271
42272Corollary:
42273 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
42274impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
42275%
42276Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
42277Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
42278Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
42279Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
42280Spock: Affirmative.
42281Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
42282Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
42283%
42284Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
42285Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
42286And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
42287Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
42288Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
42289And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
42290And we've also found Just flip one switch
42291When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
42292You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
42293Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
42294Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
42295And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
42296 The system is going to crash.
42297 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
42298%
42299Scratch the disks!
42300Drop the core!
42301Roll the tapes across the floor!
42302%
42303Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
42304%
42305SCRIBLINE:
42306 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
42307 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
42308%
42309Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
42310Presidency.
42311 -- Richard Nixon
42312%
42313'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
42314 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
42315%
42316Sears has everything.
42317%
42318Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
42319%
42320Second Law of Business Meetings:
42321 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
42322 will pick the wrong one.
42323
42324Corollary:
42325 If there is only one way to spell a name,
42326 you will spell it wrong, anyway.
42327%
42328Second Law of Final Exams:
42329 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
42330 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
42331%
42332Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
42333%
42334Secretary's Revenge:
42335 Filing almost everything under "the".
42336%
42337"Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
42338 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
42339multiline message byte.
42340 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
42341must be sent passive true.
42342 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
42343 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
42344 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
42345 (a) The LADS is active
42346 (b) Nor LACS is active"
42347
42348 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
42349 Programmable Instrumentation
42350%
42351Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
42352%
42353Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
42354[Who guards the Guardians?]
42355%
42356Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
42357She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
42358Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
42359Silently scheming,
42360Sightlessly seeking
42361Some savage, spectacular suicide.
42362 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
42363%
42364"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
42365%
42366See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
42367the second one should have seen it.
42368%
42369Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
42370was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
42371who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
42372himself to demonstrate his committment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
42373asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
42374 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
42375far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
42376%
42377Seeing is believing.
42378You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
42379%
42380Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
42381 -- James Thurber
42382%
42383Seeing that death, a necessary end,
42384Will come when it will come.
42385 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
42386%
42387Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
42388 -- Alfred North Whitehead
42389%
42390Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
42391driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
42392mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
42393luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
42394rocks. They all got out of the car:
42395 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
42396 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
42397into town and have a specialist look at it."
42398 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
42399in and see if it does it again."
42400%
42401Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
42402counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
42403you?".
42404 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
42405 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
42406you like me to put it on your bill?"
42407 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
42408%
42409Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
42410to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
42411the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
42412During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
42413work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
42414dreams!"
42415 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
42416Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
42417completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
42418other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
42419are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
42420"Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
42421 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
42422like when God was working it alone!"
42423%
42424Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
42425and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
42426register.
42427 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
42428 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
42429 "GRIZZLIES?!?!"
42430 "A few."
42431 "Got any bear bells?"
42432 "What's that?"
42433 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
42434bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
42435bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
42436country, anyhow?"
42437 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
42438 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
42439 "Bear bells."
42440%
42441Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
42442Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
42443
42444In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
42445In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
42446In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
42447In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
42448%
42449Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
42450doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
42451that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
42452months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
42453Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
42454and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
42455He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
42456up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
42457 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
42458 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
42459a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
42460out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
42461When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
42462some new underwear.
42463 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
42464 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
42465salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
42466that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
42467 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
42468you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
42469%
42470Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
42471Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
42472%
42473Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
42474 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
42475%
42476Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
42477 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
42478%
42479Self Test for Paranoia:
42480 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
42481your own fault.
42482%
42483Seminars, n.:
42484 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
42485%
42486semper en excretus
42487%
42488SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
42489%
42490Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
42491 notify you if the record has pornographic material or
42492 material glorifying violence?"
42493Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
42494Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
42495 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
42496 not for little Johnny."
42497
42498 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
42499 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
42500%
42501Senate, n.:
42502 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
42503misdemeanors.
42504 -- Ambrose Bierce
42505%
42506Send some filthy mail.
42507%
42508Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
42509 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
42510%
42511SENILITY:
42512 The state of mind of elderly persons
42513 with whom one happens to disagree.
42514%
42515Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
42516little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
42517In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
42518 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
42519%
42520Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
42521%
42522Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
42523 -- Graham Greene
42524%
42525SERENDIPITY:
42526 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
42527%
42528Serenity through viciousness.
42529%
42530Serfs up!
42531 -- Spartacus
42532%
42533Serocki's Stricture:
42534 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
42535%
42536Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
42537%
42538Set the cart before the horse.
42539 -- John Heywood
42540%
42541Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
42542swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
42543there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
42544retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
42545some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
42546fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
42547loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
42548guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
42549anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
42550%
42551Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
42552big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
42553reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
42554build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
42555like crabgrass all over the United States.
42556 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
42557%
42558Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
42559Is all my brain and body need.
42560Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
42561Are very good indeed.
42562
42563Take your silly ways,
42564Throw them out the window,
42565The wisdom of your ways,
42566I've been there and I know,
42567Lots of other ways...
42568 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
42569%
42570Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
42571%
42572Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
42573 -- Lewis Grizzard
42574%
42575Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
42576%
42577Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
42578if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
42579 -- Ian Dury
42580%
42581Sex is an emotion in motion.
42582 -- Mae West
42583%
42584"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
42585for diet Coke."
42586 -- Malcolm DacDougall
42587%
42588Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
42589 -- Garrison Keillor
42590%
42591Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
42592it's still darn tasty!
42593%
42594Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
42595 -- Swami X
42596%
42597Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
42598unimportant.
42599 -- Henry Miller
42600%
42601Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
42602 -- M. C. Reed
42603%
42604Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
42605most amount of trouble.
42606 -- John Barrymore
42607%
42608Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
42609repeated until infinity.
42610 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
42611 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
42612 1973.
42613%
42614Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
42615as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
42616 -- Woody Allen
42617%
42618Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
42619how children do not come into the world.
42620 -- Karl Kraus
42621%
42622Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
42623%
42624Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
42625always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
42626 -- J. M. Barrie
42627%
42628Shame is an improper emotion invented by
42629pietists to oppress the human race.
42630 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
42631%
42632Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
42633 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
42634temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
42635 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
42636functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
42637 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
42638middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
42639bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
42640 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
42641am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
42642he's nobody!"
42643 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
42644%
42645Shannon's Observation
42646 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
42647 that is beginning to improve.
42648%
42649share, n:
42650 To give in, endure humiliation.
42651%
42652Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
42653during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
42654 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
42655 Teen Should Know"
42656%
42657Shaw's Principle:
42658 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
42659want to use it.
42660%
42661She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
42662good.
42663 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
42664%
42665She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
42666containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
42667for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
42668the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
42669
42670In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
42671not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
42672worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
42673 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
42674%
42675She asked me, "What's your sign?"
42676I blinked and answered "Neon,"
42677I thought I'd blow her mind...
42678%
42679She been married so many times
42680she got rice marks all over her face.
42681 -- Tom Waits
42682%
42683She blinded me with science!
42684%
42685She can kill all your files;
42686She can freeze with a frown.
42687And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
42688And she works on her code until ten after three.
42689She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
42690 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
42691%
42692She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
42693 -- Tommy Manville
42694%
42695She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
42696%
42697She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
42698 -- Gypsy Rose Lee
42699%
42700She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
42701 -- Mark Twain
42702%
42703She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
42704years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
42705left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
42706 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
42707 involvement in "The Avengers".
42708%
42709She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
42710were bad.
42711%
42712She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
42713a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
42714%
42715She often gave herself very good advice
42716(though she very seldom followed it).
42717 -- Lewis Carroll
42718%
42719She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
42720 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
42721%
42722"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,
42723you should hear me play piano.'"
42724 -- Morrisey
42725%
42726She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
42727Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
42728women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
42729 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
42730%
42731She sells cshs by the cshore.
42732%
42733She stood on the tracks
42734Waving her arms
42735Leading me to that third rail shock
42736Quick as a wink
42737She changed her mind
42738
42739She gave me a night
42740That's all it was
42741What will it take until I stop
42742Kidding myself
42743Wasting my time
42744
42745There's nothing else I can do
42746'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
42747I don't want anyone new
42748'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
42749There's nothing in it for you
42750'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
42751 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
42752%
42753She was bred in ol' Kentucky
42754But she's just a crumb up here
42755She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
42756With a cauliflower ear
42757Someday we will be married
42758And if vegetables become too dear
42759I'll just cut me a slice of
42760Her cauliflower ear!
42761 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
42762%
42763She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
42764good at being short.
42765 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
42766%
42767She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
42768%
42769She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
42770%
42771She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
42772%
42773Shedenhelm's Law:
42774 All trails have more uphill sections
42775 than they have downhill sections.
42776%
42777"Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
42778%
42779Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
42780turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
42781bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
42782night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
42783aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
42784 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
42785 bad fiction contest.
42786%
42787Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
42788him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
42789of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
42790 -- Samuel Johnson
42791%
42792She's genuinely bogus.
42793%
42794She's learned to say things with her eyes
42795that others waste time putting into words.
42796%
42797She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
42798%
42799She's such a kinky girl,
42800The kind you don't take home to mother.
42801She will never let your spirits down
42802Once you get her off the street.
42803%
42804She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
42805 -- Mae West
42806%
42807Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
42808%
42809Shick's Law:
42810 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
42811%
42812Shift to the left,
42813Shift to the right,
42814Mask in, mask out,
42815BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
42816%
42817SHIFT TO THE LEFT!
42818SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
42819POP UP, PUSH DOWN,
42820BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
42821%
42822Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
42823%
42824Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
42825in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
42826laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
42827of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
42828comments:
42829
42830 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
42831 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
42832 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
42833
42834After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
42835it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
42836body join her long dead brain.
42837%
42838Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
42839they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
42840 -- Terry Southern
42841%
42842Short people get rained on last.
42843%
42844Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
42845 -- Martin Mull
42846%
42847Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
42848Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
42849 -- Leo Durocher
42850%
42851Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
42852playing golf with his boss.
42853%
42854Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
42855%
42856Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
42857%
42858Showing up is 80% of life.
42859 -- Woody Allen
42860%
42861Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
42862 -- Voltaire
42863%
42864Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
42865[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
42866 -- Henri Estienne
42867%
42868Sic transit gloria Monday!
42869%
42870Sic transit gloria mundi.
42871[So passes away the glory of this world.]
42872 -- Thomas a Kempis
42873%
42874Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
42875%
42876Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
42877%
42878Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
42879%
42880Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
42881%
42882Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
42883 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
42884%
42885Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
42886up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
42887raise bloody hell.
42888 -- Herbert Block
42889%
42890Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
42891 -- Thomas Carlyle
42892%
42893Silence is the only virtue you have left.
42894%
42895sillema sillema nika su
42896[translation: look it up...hint-fin]
42897%
42898Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
42899%
42900Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
42901a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
42902carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
42903the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
42904of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
42905intersection in town. BUT!
42906
42907Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42908BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
42909
42910Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
42911She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
42912(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
42913And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
42914
42915Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42916BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
42917%
42918Silverman's Law:
42919 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
42920%
42921Simon's Law:
42922 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
42923%
42924Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
42925%
42926Simulated fortune:
42927
42928 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the
42929 character of this point is therefore another method for the
42930 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an
42931 unexpected.
42932
42933 -- by Claude E. Shannon.
42934%
42935Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
42936 -- Hubert Kirrman
42937%
42938Sin boldly.
42939 -- Martin Luther
42940%
42941Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
42942%
42943Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
42944All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
42945(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
42946 -- Lazarus Long
42947%
42948Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
42949when others believe him.
42950 -- Charles DeGaulle
42951%
42952Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
42953%
42954Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
42955cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
42956this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
42957%
42958Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
42959having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
42960burst out in laughter.
42961 -- Long Chen Pa
42962%
42963Since I hurt my pendulum
42964My life is all erratic.
42965My parrot who was cordial
42966Is now transmitting static.
42967The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
42968The cat keeps doing poo.
42969The only thing that keeps me sane
42970Is talking to my shoe.
42971 -- My Shoe
42972%
42973Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
42974 -- Tom Stoppard
42975%
42976Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
42977alive.
42978 -- John Sloan
42979%
42980Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
42981 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
42982%
42983Sink or Swim with Teddy!
42984%
42985Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
42986%
42987Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
42988 -- CP30
42989%
42990[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
42991I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
42992 -- Winston Churchill
42993%
42994Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
42995Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
42996loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
42997
42998God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
42999the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
43000It'll cost you though".
43001
43002"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
43003the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
43004
43005"An arm and a leg", said God.
43006
43007Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
43008for a rib?"
43009%
43010Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
43011objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
43012gives us modern art.
43013 -- Tom Stoppard
43014%
43015Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
43016 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
43017 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
43018 should have gotten.
43019%
43020skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
43021h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2
43022kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
43023 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
43024 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
43025
43026
43027Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
43028%
43029Slang is language that takes off its coat,
43030spits on its hands, and goes to work.
43031%
43032Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
43033a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
43034songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
43035those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
43036beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
43037breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
43038anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
43039for deliverance from chains.
43040 -- Frederick Douglass
43041%
43042Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
43043 -- W.C. Fields
43044%
43045Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
43046%
43047Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
43048 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
43049 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
43050 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
43051 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
43052 attracted to dark objects.
43053%
43054Slous' Contention:
43055 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
43056%
43057Slow day.
43058Practice crawling.
43059%
43060Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
43061%
43062Slurm, n.:
43063 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
43064 it sits in the dish too long.
43065 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
43066%
43067Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
43068%
43069Small is beautiful.
43070 -- Schumacher's Dictum
43071%
43072Small things make base men proud.
43073 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
43074%
43075Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
43076teacher was in my class for five years.
43077 -- George Burns
43078%
43079Smear the road with a runner!!
43080%
43081Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
43082%
43083Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
43084%
43085Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
43086 -- Fran Lebowitz
43087%
43088SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
43089 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
43090 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
43091 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
43092 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
43093 filed 30 days in advance.
43094%
43095Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
43096 -- Fletcher Knebel
43097%
43098Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
43099%
43100Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
43101 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
43102%
43103Snacktrek, n.:
43104 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
43105 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
43106 have materialized.
43107 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
43108%
43109Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
43110%
43111SNAPPY REPARTEE:
43112 What you'd say if you had another chance.
43113%
43114Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
43115%
43116Snow and adolescence are the only problems
43117that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
43118%
43119Snow Day -- stay home.
43120%
43121Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
43122shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
43123mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
43124for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
43125with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
43126the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
43127%
43128So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
43129your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
43130hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
43131array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
43132
43133... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
43134were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
43135that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
43136toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
43137made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
43138format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
43139 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
43140 Revolution"
43141%
43142So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they
43143go to work?
43144%
43145So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
43146A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
43147they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
43148of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
43149only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
43150purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
43151strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
43152Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
43153 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
43154%
43155So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
43156praise of intelligence.
43157 -- Bertrand Russell
43158%
43159So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
43160as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
43161way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
43162 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
43163%
43164So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
43165of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
43166friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
43167could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
43168use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
43169for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
43170the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
43171extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
43172 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
43173%
43174So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
43175%
43176So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
43177 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
43178%
43179So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
43180 -- Yogi Berra
43181%
43182So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
43183large as it needs to be?
43184%
43185So little time, so little to do.
43186 -- Oscar Levant
43187%
43188So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
43189to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
43190%
43191So many beautiful women and so little time.
43192 -- John Barrymore
43193%
43194So many men and so little time.
43195%
43196So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
43197 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
43198%
43199So many women, and so little time!
43200%
43201So many women, so little nerve.
43202%
43203So much food, and so little time!
43204%
43205So much
43206depends
43207upon
43208a red
43209
43210wheel
43211barrow
43212glazed with
43213
43214rain
43215water
43216beside
43217the white
43218chickens.
43219 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
43220%
43221So now
43222that you have-
43223
43224you know, whoever
43225
43226you're trying
43227to do
43228
43229a favor
43230for
43231
43232-you've done it-
43233
43234and I'm sure
43235you had
43236
43237a smirk
43238on your mouth
43239
43240as you got me
43241into this.
43242 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
43243 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
43244 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
43245%
43246So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
43247at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
43248the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
43249the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
43250himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
43251the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
43252their boots.
43253 -- Samuel Foote
43254%
43255So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
43256and yet it is not; it is but so so.
43257 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
43258%
43259So... so you think you can tell
43260Heaven from Hell?
43261Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
43262Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
43263From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
43264A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
43265Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
43266 Did you exchange
43267 A walk on part in a war
43268 For the lead role in a cage?
43269 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
43270%
43271So this is it. We're going to die.
43272%
43273So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
43274And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
43275%
43276So, you better watch out!
43277You better not cry!
43278You better not pout!
43279I'm telling you why,
43280Santa Claus is coming, to town.
43281
43282He knows when you've been sleeping,
43283He know when you're awake.
43284He knows if you've been bad or good,
43285He has ties with the CIA.
43286So...
43287%
43288"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
43289 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
43290"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
43291"Friday, then?"
43292"Why not, David, it might even be fun."
43293 -- Dating in Minnesota
43294%
43295So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
43296all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
43297tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
43298recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
43299the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
43300and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
43301eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
43302%
43303So you think that money is the root of all evil.
43304Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
43305 -- Ayn Rand
43306%
43307So you're back... about time...
43308%
43309Soap and education are not as sudden as a
43310massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
43311 -- Mark Twain
43312%
43313SOCIALISM:
43314 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
43315COMMUNISM:
43316 You have two cows.
43317 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
43318CAPITALISM:
43319 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
43320FACISM:
43321 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
43322 The government sells it.
43323NAZISM:
43324 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
43325NEW DEALISM:
43326 The government shoots one cow,
43327 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
43328ANARCHISM:
43329 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
43330CONSERVATISM:
43331 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
43332%
43333Sodd's Second Law:
43334 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
43335bound to occur.
43336%
43337Software, n.:
43338 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
43339%
43340Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
43341like a staff function."
43342 -- Paul Licker
43343%
43344Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
43345"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
43346the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
43347 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
43348%
43349Soldiers who wish to be a hero
43350Are practically zero,
43351But those who wish to be civilians,
43352They run into the millions.
43353%
43354Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
43355 -- Kayvan Sylvan
43356%
43357Solutions are obvious if one only has the
43358optical power to observe them over the horizon.
43359 -- K. A. Arsdall
43360%
43361Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
43362and some few to be chewed and digested.
43363 -- Francis Bacon
43364 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
43365%
43366Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
43367Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
43368%
43369Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
43370as when you find a trout in the milk.
43371 -- Thoreau
43372%
43373Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
43374%
43375Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
43376%
43377Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
43378%
43379Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
43380 -- Ed Howe
43381%
43382Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
43383places!
43384 -- Mae West
43385%
43386Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
43387and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
43388 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
43389%
43390Some men are discovered; others are found out.
43391%
43392Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
43393about sex at all... they become lawyers.
43394 -- Woody Allen
43395%
43396Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
43397that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
43398%
43399Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
43400 -- Maureen Murphy
43401%
43402Some men feel that the only thing they owe
43403the woman who marries them is a grudge.
43404 -- Helen Rowland
43405%
43406Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
43407lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
43408 -- Samuel Butler
43409%
43410Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
43411 -- Woodie Guthrie
43412%
43413Some men who fear that they are playing
43414second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
43415%
43416Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
43417The answer is: I don't know.
43418Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
43419%
43420Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
43421old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
43422I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
4342313th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
43424the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
43425Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
43426Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
43427an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
43428"lekare".
43429 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
43430 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
43431 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
43432 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
43433 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
43434 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
43435 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
43436 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
43437 he received, shame and wounds."
43438%
43439Some of the things that live the longest
43440in peoples' memories never really happened.
43441%
43442Some of them want to use you,
43443Some of them want to be used by you,
43444...Everybody's looking for something.
43445 -- Eurythmics
43446%
43447Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
43448 -- Gloria Steinem
43449%
43450Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
43451celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
43452stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
43453"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
43454of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
43455government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
43456Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
43457billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
43458it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
43459thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
43460the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
43461and go to a mall.
43462 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
43463%
43464Some parts of the past must be preserved,
43465and some of the future prevented at all costs.
43466%
43467Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
43468 -- Stephen Wright
43469%
43470Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
43471transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
43472two-dimensional ones.
43473 -- F. Frederick Skitty
43474%
43475Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
43476%
43477Some people cause happiness wherever
43478they go; others, whenever they go.
43479%
43480Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
43481but at least you only have to climb it once.
43482%
43483Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
43484only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
43485%
43486Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
43487%
43488Some people have parts that are so private
43489they themselves have no knowledge of them.
43490%
43491Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
43492them on the head.
43493%
43494Some people live life in the fast lane.
43495You're in oncoming traffic.
43496%
43497Some people manage by the book, even though they
43498don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
43499%
43500Some people need a good imaginary cure
43501for their painful imaginary ailment.
43502%
43503Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
43504%
43505Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
43506%
43507Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
43508rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
43509 -- P. J. O'Rourke
43510%
43511Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
43512They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
43513%
43514Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
43515you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
43516worse.
43517 -- Avery
43518%
43519Some points to remember [about animals]:
43520
43521(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
43522 hippopotamuses;
43523(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
43524 front of your clothes;
43525(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
43526 you have just kicked.
43527 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
43528%
43529Some primal termite knocked on wood.
43530And tasted it, and found it good.
43531And that is why your Cousin May
43532Fell through the parlor floor today.
43533 -- Ogden Nash
43534%
43535Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
43536progress.
43537 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43538%
43539Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
43540%
43541Some say the world will end in fire,
43542Some say in ice.
43543From what I've tasted of desire
43544I hold with those who favor fire.
43545But if it had to perish twice
43546I think I know enough of hate
43547To say that for destruction, ice
43548Is also great
43549And would suffice
43550 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
43551%
43552Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
43553 -- Folk saying
43554%
43555Some things have to be believed to be seen.
43556%
43557Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
43558 -- W.C. Fields
43559%
43560Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
43561so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
43562%
43563Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
43564Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
43565Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
43566When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
43567
43568Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
43569Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
43570Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
43571That don't smell very nice --
43572He's nobody's moggy now.
43573
43574Oh you who love your pussy,
43575Be sure to keep him in.
43576Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
43577The truck is bound to win. On the road way
43578And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
43579Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
43580If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
43581It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
43582 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
43583He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
43584Just red and squashed and soggy --
43585He's nobody's moggy now.
43586 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
43587%
43588Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
43589I found a pile of them over in the corner.
43590%
43591Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
43592typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
43593%
43594Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
43595probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
43596blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
43597 -- Mister Boffo
43598%
43599Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
43600 -- Evan Davis
43601%
43602Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
43603%
43604Someday your prints will come.
43605 -- Kodak
43606%
43607Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
43608when I was passing through satisfaction.
43609 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
43610%
43611Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
43612%
43613Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
43614City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
43615Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
43616 -- David Letterman
43617%
43618Someone is speaking well of you.
43619How unusual!
43620%
43621Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
43622%
43623Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
43624%
43625Someone will try to honk your nose today.
43626%
43627Something better...
43628
43629 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
43630 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
43631 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
43632 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
43633 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
43634 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
43635 minutes late.
43636 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
43637 own ear.
43638 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
43639 mind putting that thing away.
43640 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
43641 It's what's in it that matters.
43642 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
43643 Seattle.
4364410 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
4364511 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
43646 changing tempo.
4364712 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
43648 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
43649%
43650Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
43651 -- Benjamin Disraeli
43652%
43653Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
43654 -- Shakespeare
43655%
43656Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
43657and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
43658 -- N. V. Plyter
43659%
43660Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
43661 -- Sigmund Freud
43662%
43663Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
43664fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
43665 -- Montesquieu
43666%
43667Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
43668smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
43669 -- Richard M. Nixon
43670%
43671Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
43672 -- Seneca
43673%
43674Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
43675Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
43676Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
43677Either light up or leave me alone.
43678%
43679Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
43680the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
43681world.
43682 -- Robert Stone
43683%
43684Sometimes I live in the country,
43685And sometimes I live in town.
43686And sometimes I have a great notion,
43687To jump in the river and drown.
43688%
43689Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
43690world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
43691%
43692Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
43693Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
43694 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
43695%
43696Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
43697 -- Lily Tomlin
43698%
43699Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
43700 -- Repo Man
43701%
43702Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
43703%
43704SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
43705back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
43706me because I am beautiful.
43707 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
43708%
43709Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
43710%
43711Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
43712Other times I can hardly see.
43713Lately it occurs to me
43714What a long strange trip it's been.
43715 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
43716%
43717Sometimes, too long is too long.
43718 -- Joe Crowe
43719%
43720Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
43721like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
43722before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
43723forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
43724 -- Snoopy
43725%
43726Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
43727to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
43728 -- Andy Capp
43729%
43730Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
43731else is driving.
43732 -- David Letterman
43733%
43734Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
43735%
43736Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
43737%
43738Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
43739woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
43740 -- Sam Levenson
43741%
43742Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
43743 -- Carl Sagan
43744%
43745Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
43746the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
43747make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
43748But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
43749 -- Sky Masterson's Father
43750%
43751Song Title of the Week:
43752 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
43753in me."
43754%
43755Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
43756paid may disregard this fortune).
43757%
43758Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
43759%
43760Sorry. Nice try.
43761%
43762Sorry never means having you're say to love.
43763%
43764Sorry, no fortune this time.
43765%
43766Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
43767big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
43768drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
43769 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
43770%
43771Space is to place as eternity is to time.
43772 -- Joseph Joubert
43773%
43774Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
43775 -- Wheeler
43776%
43777Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
43778Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
43779and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
43780 -- Captain James T. Kirk
43781%
43782SPAGMUMPS:
43783 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
43784 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
43785%
43786"Spare no expense to save money on this one."
43787 -- Samuel Goldwyn
43788%
43789Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
43790 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
43791if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
43792back at him.
43793%
43794Speak roughly to your little boy,
43795 And beat him when he sneezes:
43796He only does it to annoy
43797 Because he knows it teases.
43798
43799 Wow! wow! wow!
43800
43801I speak severely to my boy,
43802 And beat him when he sneezes:
43803For he can thoroughly enjoy
43804 The pepper when he pleases!
43805
43806 Wow! wow! wow!
43807 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
43808%
43809Speak roughly to your little VAX,
43810 And boot it when it crashes;
43811It knows that one cannot relax
43812 Because the paging thrashes!
43813
43814 Wow! Wow! Wow!
43815
43816I speak severely to my VAX,
43817 And boot it when it crashes;
43818In spite of all my favorite hacks
43819 My jobs it always thrashes!
43820
43821 Wow! Wow! Wow!
43822%
43823Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
43824%
43825Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
43826 -- Dave Millman
43827%
43828"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
43829ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
43830mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
43831thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
43832moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
43833and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
43834earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
43835water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
43836diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
43837would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
43838leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
43839wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
43840murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
43841into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
43842on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
43843have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
43844seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
43845syllable is thine!"
43846 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
43847%
43848Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
43849that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
43850all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
43851Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
43852result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
43853parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
43854types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
43855recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
43856so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
43857%
43858Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
43859
43860 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
43861 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
43862 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
43863 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
43864 Helpless users with projects due
43865 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
43866
43867 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
43868 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
43869
43870* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
43871* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
43872 -- Curtis Jackson
43873%
43874Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
43875days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
43876with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
43877who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
43878these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
43879bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
43880communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
43881 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
43882%
43883Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
43884on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
43885%
43886Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
43887Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
43888young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
43889students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
43890Faculty members especially welcome.
43891%
43892"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
43893%
43894Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
43895motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
43896when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
43897 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
43898%
43899Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
43900 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
43901number of times you have looked at it.
43902%
43903Spelling is a lossed art.
43904%
43905Spence's Admonition:
43906 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
43907%
43908Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
43909%
43910SPINSTER:
43911 A bachelor's wife.
43912%
43913Spirtle, n.:
43914 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
43915your eye.
43916 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
43917%
43918Spock: The odds of surviving another
43919attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
43920%
43921Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
43922%
43923Spouse, n.:
43924 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
43925wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
43926%
43927Spring is here, spring is here,
43928Life is skittles and life is beer.
43929%
43930SQUATCHO:
43931 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
43932 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
43933%
43934Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
43935%
43936St. Patrick was a gentleman
43937who through strategy and stealth
43938drove all the snakes from Ireland.
43939Here's a toasting to his health --
43940but not too many toastings
43941lest you lose yourself and then
43942forget the good St. Patrick
43943and see all those snakes again.
43944%
43945Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
43946%
43947Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
43948%
43949Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
43950words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
43951now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
43952 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
43953his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
43954 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
43955open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
43956open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
43957after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
43958with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
43959 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
43960unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
43961was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
43962So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
43963for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
43964 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
43965deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
43966 All it said was: "Write two letters."
43967%
43968Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
43969%
43970Stamp out philately.
43971%
43972STANDARDS:
43973 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
43974%
43975Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
43976no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for
43977something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
43978 -- Chuang Tzu
43979%
43980Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
43981%
43982Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
43983they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
43984%
43985Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
43986Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
43987science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
43988on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
43989 -- Harlan Ellison
43990%
43991Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
43992 -- W.C. Fields
43993%
43994Start the day with a smile.
43995After that you can be your nasty old self again.
43996%
43997State license plates we'd like to see:
43998
43999 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
44000 LVME 10DR OW-A CAH
44001LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
44002
44003 HAWAII WISCONSIN
44004 L-O HA CHEDDAR
44005FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
44006%
44007State license plates we'd like to see:
44008
44009 ALABAMA ARIZONA
44010 IC1 NOW 120 F
44011THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
44012
44013 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
44014 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS
44015WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
44016
44017 TEXAS FLORIDA
44018 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED
44019 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
44020%
44021State license plates we'd like to see:
44022
44023 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
44024 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
44025EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
44026
44027 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
44028 WL-GOLLY ARG GGH
44029HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
44030
44031 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
44032 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
44033THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
44034 MOVIE STATE
44035%
44036STATISTICS:
44037 A system for expressing your political
44038 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
44039%
44040Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
44041 -- Henry Clay
44042%
44043Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
44044%
44045Stay away from flying saucers today.
44046%
44047Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
44048%
44049Stay the curse.
44050%
44051Stay together, drag each other down.
44052%
44053Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
44054There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
44055One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
44056
44057And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
44058Though we really did try to make it,
44059Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
44060
44061It used to be so easy living here with you,
44062You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
44063Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
44064
44065There'll be good times again for me and you,
44066But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
44067But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
44068
44069But it's too late baby...
44070It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
44071 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
44072%
44073Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
44074long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
44075hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
44076its rate is a matter of discretion.
44077 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
44078%
44079Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
44080%
44081Steckel's Rule to Success:
44082 Good enough is never good enough.
44083%
44084Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
44085 Everybody should believe in something --
44086 I believe I'll have another drink.
44087%
44088Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
44089 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
44090handle.
44091%
44092Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
44093Embezzlement is another matter.
44094%
44095Stenderup's Law:
44096 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
44097%
44098Step back, unbelievers!
44099Or the rain will never come.
44100Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
44101You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
44102But I swear to you, before this day is out,
44103 you folks are gonna see some rain!
44104%
44105Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
44106Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
44107so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
44108wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
44109very little call for those up there.
44110 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
44111%
44112Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
44113Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
44114%
44115Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
44116 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
44117%
44118Stock's Observation:
44119 You no sooner get your head above water
44120 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
44121%
44122Stone's Law:
44123 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
44124%
44125Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
44126And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
44127in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
44128Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
44129way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
44130on the credulity of human nature.
44131%
44132Stop me, before I kill again!
44133%
44134Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
44135Now, if they'd only take a bath...
44136%
44137Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
44138%
44139Strange things are done to be number one
44140In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
44141IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
44142Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
44143And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
44144But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
44145Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
44146By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
44147 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
44148 Would ship for Celtic gold.
44149The movers came to crate the frame;
44150It weighed a million ton!
44151The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
44152(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
44153"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
44154 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
44155"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
44156"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
44157"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
44158 Because they couldn't deliver.
44159 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
44160%
44161STRATEGY:
44162 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
44163%
44164Strategy:
44165 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
44166 after those creating it have left the organization.
44167%
44168Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
44169%
44170Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
44171and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
44172the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
44173"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
44174implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
44175and have a nice day.
44176%
44177Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
44178real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
44179understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
44180 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
44181%
44182Stult's Report:
44183 Our problems are mostly behind us.
44184 What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
44185%
44186Stupid, n.:
44187 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
44188%
44189Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
44190%
44191Stupidity is its own reward.
44192%
44193Sturgeon's Law:
44194 90% of everything is crud.
44195%
44196Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
44197%
44198Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
44199Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
44200%
44201Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
44202editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
44203 -- Mark Twain
44204%
44205Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
44206way before it is understood.
44207%
44208Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
44209the streets after them.
44210 -- Bill Vaughn
44211%
44212Success is a journey, not a destination.
44213%
44214Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
44215%
44216Success is in the minds of Fools.
44217 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
44218%
44219Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
44220made of things.
44221 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
44222%
44223Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
44224%
44225Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
44226 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
44227%
44228Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
44229%
44230Such a fine first dream!
44231But they laughed at me; they said
44232I had made it up.
44233%
44234Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
44235when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
44236%
44237Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
44238petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
44239 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
44240%
44241Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
44242 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
44243%
44244Sudden Death Dating:
44245
44246Quote, female:
44247 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
44248 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
44249%
44250Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
44251without his duck ...
44252%
44253Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
44254The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
44255Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
44256The Path there is, but none who travel it.
44257 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
44258%
44259Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
44260%
44261Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
44262%
44263Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
44264 -- Donald Kaul
44265%
44266Sum quod eris.
44267%
44268Sun in the night, everyone is together,
44269Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
44270 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
44271%
44272SUN Microsystems:
44273 The Network IS the Load Average.
44274%
44275(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
44276
44277 To code the impossible code,
44278 To bring up a virgin machine,
44279 To pop out of endless recursion,
44280 To grok what appears on the screen,
44281
44282 To right the unrightable bug,
44283 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
44284 To mount the unmountable magtape,
44285 To stop the unstoppable crash!
44286%
44287SUNSET:
44288 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
44289 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
44290 progressively reducing solar elevation.
44291%
44292Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
44293have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
44294 -- Martin Luther
44295%
44296Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
44297none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
44298sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
44299 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
44300%
44301Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
44302Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
44303 Quantum Mechanics?
44304Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
44305Supervisee: Yes.
44306 -- Overheard at a supervision.
44307%
44308Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
44309%
44310Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
44311%
44312Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
44313%
44314Support the American Kidney Foundation.
44315Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
44316%
44317Support the Girl Scouts!
44318 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
44319%
44320Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
44321 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
44322 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
44323%
44324Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
44325%
44326Support your local church or synagogue.
44327Worship at Bank of America.
44328%
44329Support your local police force -- steal!!
44330%
44331Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
44332%
44333Support your right to arm bears!!
44334%
44335Support your right to bare arms!
44336 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
44337%
44338Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
44339rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
44340efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
44341analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
44342Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
44343it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
44344were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
44345a pinhead.
44346 -- Christopher Evans
44347%
44348Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
44349%
44350Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
44351But what if he forgets?
44352%
44353Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
44354men in national government too.
44355 -- Richard M. Nixon
44356%
44357"Surely you can't be serious."
44358"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
44359%
44360Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
44361%
44362Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
44363Just type in your name and social security number.
44364Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
44365
44366Name #
44367
44368
44369%
44370Surprise due today. Also the rent.
44371%
44372Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
44373%
44374sushi, n:
44375 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
44376 strapped on with electrical tape.
44377%
44378Sushido, n:
44379 The way of the tuna.
44380%
44381Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
44382 -- William Shakespeare
44383%
44384Swahili, n.:
44385 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
44386retractions.
44387 -- Johnny Hart
44388%
44389Swap read error. You lose your mind.
44390%
44391SWEATER:
44392 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
44393%
44394Sweater, n.:
44395 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
44396%
44397Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
44398 -- Thomas Tusser
44399%
44400Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
44401And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
44402%
44403Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
44404whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
44405the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
44406I rush!
44407 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
44408%
44409Swipple's Rule of Order:
44410 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
44411%
44412Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
44413 unusually pale and clear.
44414Problem: Glass empty.
44415Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
44416
44417Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
44418 and the front of your shirt is wet.
44419Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
44420 wrong part of face.
44421Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
44422 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
44423
44424 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44425%
44426Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
44427Fault: The Bar is closing.
44428Action Required: Panic.
44429
44430Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
44431 You cannot see the bathroom light.
44432Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
44433Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
44434 treat yourself to a lie-in.
44435
44436 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44437%
44438Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
44439Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
44440Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
44441 toward ceiling.
44442
44443Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
44444Fault: Improper bladder control.
44445Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
44446 to the owner about its lack of house training and
44447 demand a beer as compensation.
44448
44449 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44450%
44451Symptom: Floor blurred.
44452Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
44453Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
44454
44455Symptom: Floor moving.
44456Fault: You are being carried out.
44457Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
44458 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
44459
44460 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44461%
44462Symptom: Floor swaying.
44463Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
44464 game in progress.
44465Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
44466
44467Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
44468 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
44469Fault: You have fallen forward.
44470Action Required: See above.
44471
44472Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
44473 flourescent light strips.
44474Fault: You have fallen over backward.
44475Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
44476 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
44477 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
44478
44479 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44480%
44481Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
44482 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
44483%
44484System checkpoint complete.
44485%
44486System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
44487%
44488System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
44489%
44490System going down in 5 minutes.
44491%
44492System restarting, wait...
44493%
44494System/3! System/3!
44495See how it runs! See how it runs!
44496 Its monitor loses so totally!
44497 It runs all its programs in RPG!
44498 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
44499System/3!
44500%
44501SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
44502 Works equally poorly on all systems.
44503%
44504Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
44505infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
44506 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
44507%
44508Systems programmer:
44509 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
44510 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
44511 are to receive from your boss.
44512%
44513Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
44514 -- R. S. Barton
44515%
44516T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
44517 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
44518 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
44519 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
44520 -- The Roguelet's ABC
44521%
44522TACKY:
44523 Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
44524%
44525Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
44526 -- Jean Cocteau
44527%
44528Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
44529 -- Jean Cocteau
44530%
44531Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
44532an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
44533%
44534Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
44535%
44536Tact, n.:
44537 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
44538%
44539Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
44540he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
44541%
44542Take an astronaut to launch.
44543%
44544Take care of the luxuries and the
44545necessities will take care of themselves.
44546 -- L. Long
44547%
44548Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
44549 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
44550%
44551Take everything in stride.
44552Trample anyone who gets in your way.
44553%
44554TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
44555 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
44556%
44557Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
44558enough cheese
44559 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
44560%
44561Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
44562%
44563Take me drunk,
44564I'm home again!
44565%
44566Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
44567but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
44568 -- Kipling
44569%
44570Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
44571merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
44572have given them to you.
44573%
44574Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
44575 -- Ken Kesey
44576%
44577Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
44578Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
44579by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
44580 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
44581%
44582Take your Senator to lunch this week.
44583%
44584Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
44585take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
44586 -- Booth Tarkington
44587%
44588Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
44589got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
44590 -- Rev. Jim
44591%
44592Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
44593%
44594Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
44595 -- Euripides
44596%
44597Talkers are no good doers.
44598 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
44599%
44600Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
44601 -- Laurie Anderson
44602%
44603Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
44604 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
44605%
44606Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
44607Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
44608 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
44609%
44610Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
44611Tan me hide when I'm dead.
44612So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
44613It's hanging there on the shed.
44614
44615All together now...
44616 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
44617 Tie me kangaroo down.
44618 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
44619 Tie me kangaroo down.
44620%
44621Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
44622will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
44623 -- Ben Franklin
44624%
44625TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
44626 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
44627 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
44628 headed. You are a Communist.
44629%
44630TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
44631 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
44632 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
44633 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
44634%
44635TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
44636 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
44637 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
44638 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
44639%
44640TAX OFFICE:
44641 Den of inequity.
44642%
44643Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
44644tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
44645 -- Russell Long
44646%
44647Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
44648out of the market.
44649%
44650Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
44651%
44652Taxes, n.:
44653 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
44654an extension.
44655%
44656TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
44657
44658Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what pased for them in that era.
44659Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
44660of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
44661
44662"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
44663 -- Dave Mills
44664%
44665Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
44666when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
44667%
44668Teachers have class.
44669%
44670TEAMWORK:
44671 Having someone to blame.
44672%
44673Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
44674%
44675Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for
44676slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were:
44677"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
44678head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
44679side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by
44680instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
44681not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
44682being only an inference.
44683 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
44684%
44685Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
44686is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
44687before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
44688this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
44689being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
44690work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
44691itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
44692slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
44693difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
44694I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
44695a moment and then log off.
44696%
44697Technological progress has merely provided us
44698with more efficient means for going backwards.
44699 -- Aldous Huxley
44700%
44701Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
44702 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
44703%
44704Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
44705you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
44706but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
44707already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
44708 -- Erma Bombeck
44709%
44710telephone, n.:
44711 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
44712making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
44713 -- Ambrose Bierce
44714%
44715TELEPRESSION:
44716 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
44717 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
44718 burden on the directory assistant.
44719 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
44720%
44721Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
44722 -- Ernie Kovacs
44723%
44724Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
44725 -- Robert Carson
44726%
44727Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
44728 -- Alfred Hitchcock
44729%
44730Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
44731each other.
44732 -- Ann Landers
44733%
44734Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
44735 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
44736%
44737Television is now so desperately hungry for material
44738that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
44739 -- Gore Vidal
44740%
44741Television only proves that people will look at anything --
44742rather than each other.
44743%
44744Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
44745believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
44746to touch to be sure.
44747%
44748Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
44749Is those things arms, or is they legs?
44750I marvel at thee, Octopus;
44751If I were thou, I'd call me us.
44752 -- Ogden Nash
44753%
44754Tell me what to think!!!
44755%
44756Tell me why the stars do shine,
44757Tell me why the ivy twines,
44758Tell me why the sky's so blue,
44759And I will tell you just why I love you.
44760
44761 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
44762 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
44763 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
44764 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
44765%
44766Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
44767promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
44768 -- A. Hope
44769%
44770Tempt me with a spoon!
44771%
44772Tempt not a desperate man.
44773 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
44774%
44775Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
44776shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
44777 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
44778entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
44779seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
44780of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
44781word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
44782and handed the others to Dutsky.
44783 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
44784%
44785Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
44786 -- Napoleon I
44787%
44788Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
44789way of telling you to stop writing.
44790 -- R. Geis
44791%
44792Terence, this is stupid stuff:
44793You eat your victuals fast enough;
44794There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
44795To see the rate you drink your beer.
44796But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
44797It gives a chap the belly-ache.
44798The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
44799It sleeps well the horned head:
44800We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
44801To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
44802Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
44803Your friends to death before their time.
44804Moping, melancholy mad:
44805Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
44806 -- A. E. Housman
44807%
44808Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
44809school, and then work, work, work till we die.
44810 -- C.S. Lewis
44811%
44812Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
44813amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
44814the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
44815to risk offending God's grandmother.
44816 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
44817%
44818Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
44819pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until
44820about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is
44821ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
44822because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
44823fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately
44824credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is
44825certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind,
44826he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and
44827contemptuously rejected it.
44828 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
44829 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic
44830 Church. Ed.]
44831%
44832Test for paraquat:
44833 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
44834 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
44835 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
44836 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
44837 the solution will turn blue-green.
44838%
44839Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.
44840 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
44841%
44842Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
44843%
44844TEUTONIC:
44845 Not enough gin.
44846%
44847TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
44848century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
44849terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
44850 -- Gordon Bell
44851%
44852Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
44853of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
44854"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
44855unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
44856the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
44857told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
44858the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
44859"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
44860called you from here."
44861%
44862Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
44863 -- Wayne Oakes
44864%
44865Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
44866%
44867"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
44868one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
44869 -- J. Finnegan, USC.
44870%
44871Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
44872 -- Adolf Hitler
44873%
44874Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
44875 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
44876%
44877Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
44878%
44879That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
44880 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
44881%
44882"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
44883 -- Foghorn Leghorn
44884%
44885That does not compute.
44886%
44887That feeling just came over me.
44888 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
44889%
44890That government is best which governs least.
44891 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
44892%
44893That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
44894that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
44895in the same way as us.
44896 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
44897%
44898That money talks,
44899I'll not deny,
44900I heard it once,
44901It said "Good-bye.
44902 -- Richard Armour
44903%
44904That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
44905 -- Moliere
44906%
44907That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
44908%
44909That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
44910sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
44911narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
44912%
44913That, that is, is.
44914That, that is not, is not.
44915That, that is, is not that, that is not.
44916That, that is not, is not that, that is.
44917%
44918...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
44919the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
44920hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
44921A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
44922liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
44923REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
44924 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
44925%
44926That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
44927%
44928That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
44929 -- Dorothy Parker
44930%
44931That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
44932remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
44933write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
44934 -- Heine
44935%
44936That's always the way when you discover
44937something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
44938 -- Evelyn E. Smith
44939%
44940That's life.
44941 What's life?
44942A magazine.
44943 How much does it cost?
44944Two-fifty.
44945 I only have a dollar.
44946That's life.
44947%
44948That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
44949who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
44950thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
44951thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
44952 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
44953%
44954"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
44955omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
44956 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
44957%
44958That's no moon...
44959 -- Obi-wan Kenobi
44960%
44961That's odd. That's very odd.
44962Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
44963%
44964That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
44965 -- Neil Armstrong
44966%
44967That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
44968 -- Woody Allen, on sex
44969%
44970That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
44971really hate is lousy programmers.
44972 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
44973%
44974That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
44975returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
44976 -- Bill Veeck
44977%
44978That's what she said.
44979%
44980That's where the money was.
44981 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
44982
44983It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
44984 -- Willie Sutton
44985%
44986The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
44987 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
44988 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
44989"and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
44990 -- Lewis Carroll
44991%
44992The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
44993 -- R. B. Greenberg
44994%
44995The 357.73 Theory --
44996 Auditors always reject expense accounts
44997 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
44998%
44999The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
45000%
45001The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
45002Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
45003 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
45004%
45005The Abrams' Principle:
45006 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
45007%
45008The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
45009 -- T. Cheatham
45010%
45011The absent ones are always at fault.
45012%
45013The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
45014 -- A. Camus
45015%
45016The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
45017 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
45018%
45019The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
45020 -- Clifton Fadiman
45021%
45022The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
45023hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
45024makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
45025undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
45026anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
45027 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
45028%
45029The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
45030does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
45031 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
45032%
45033The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
45034 -- Thomas Jefferson
45035%
45036The Advertising Agency Song:
45037
45038 When your client's hopping mad,
45039 Put his picture in the ad.
45040 If he still should prove refractory,
45041 Add a picture of his factory.
45042%
45043The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
45044he is already degraded.
45045 -- George Orwell
45046%
45047The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
45048facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
45049 -- Whitehead.
45050%
45051The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
45052belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
45053%
45054The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
45055For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
45056 -- Bart Miller
45057%
45058"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
45059someone with it."
45060 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
45061%
45062The all-softening overpowering knell,
45063The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
45064 -- Lord Byron
45065%
45066The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
45067fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
45068 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
45069%
45070The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
45071to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
45072
45073Film at 11:00.
45074%
45075The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
45076eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
45077 -- Finlay Peter Dunne
45078%
45079The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
45080call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
45081opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
45082 -- Al Capone
45083%
45084The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
45085pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
45086%
45087The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
45088in billigrahams.
45089%
45090The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
45091just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
45092 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
45093%
45094The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
45095of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
45096Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
45097even better, nobody has to play it.
45098 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
45099%
45100The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
45101 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
45102
45103 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
45104%
45105The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
45106 -- E. Costello
45107%
45108The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
45109with which you can threaten your enemies.
45110 -- Bonnard
45111%
45112The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
45113sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
45114 --Salvador De Madariaga
45115%
45116The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
45117 -- Albertano of Brescia
45118%
45119The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
45120doctors nor lawyers.
45121 -- L. Docquier
45122%
45123The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
45124session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
45125advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
45126publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
45127giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
45128we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
45129book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
45130field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
45131ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
45132very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
45133lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
45134courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
45135[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
45136arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
45137time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
45138for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
45139then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
45140 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
45141 And dare not stray to ideas new,
45142 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
45143 And for a living what woulds't we do?
45144%
45145The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
45146for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
45147bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
45148constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
45149all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
45150neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
45151Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
45152would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
45153desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
45154fire-fighting aircraft.
45155
45156 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
45157%
45158The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
45159
45160 Four day work week,
45161 Two ply toilet paper!
45162%
45163The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
45164released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
45165Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
45166%
45167The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
45168and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
45169All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
45170"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
45171their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
45172Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
45173the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
45174logs to multiply."
45175%
45176The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
45177never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
45178and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
45179through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
45180 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
45181%
45182The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
45183Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
45184and color, but also on ability.
45185 -- T. Lehrer
45186%
45187The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
45188 -- Bill Murray
45189%
45190The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
45191in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
45192Declaration not for that, but for future use.
45193 -- Abraham Lincoln
45194%
45195The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
45196Jupiter can have no satellites:
45197
45198 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
45199eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
45200unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
45201From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
45202metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
45203of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
45204 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
45205therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
45206and therefore do not exist.
45207%
45208The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
45209%
45210The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
45211knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
45212 -- Ladies' Home Journal
45213%
45214The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
45215the morning feeling just terrible.
45216 -- Jean Kerr
45217%
45218The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
45219%
45220The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
45221a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
45222%
45223The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
45224%
45225The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
45226one graveyard to another.
45227 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
45228%
45229The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
45230disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
45231feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
45232their father.
45233 -- Mencken
45234%
45235The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
45236average man can see better than he can think.
45237%
45238The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
45239into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
45240 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
45241%
45242The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
45243carries any reward.
45244 -- John Maynard Keynes
45245%
45246"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
45247people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
45248anything."
45249 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
45250%
45251The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
45252Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
45253And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
45254 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
45255 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
45256%
45257The bank sent our statement this morning,
45258The red ink was a sight of great awe!
45259Their figures and mine might have balanced,
45260But my wife was too quick on the draw.
45261%
45262The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
45263cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
45264difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
45265which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
45266here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
45267RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
45268want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
45269lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
45270squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
45271and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
45272his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
45273neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
45274lots.
45275 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
45276%
45277The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
45278called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
45279writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
45280be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
45281immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
45282bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
45283Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
45284paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
45285would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
45286The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
45287emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
45288Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
45289 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
45290%
45291The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
45292And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
45293The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
45294And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
45295These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
45296 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
45297%
45298THE BEATLES:
45299 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
45300%
45301The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
45302 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
45303
45304 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
45305 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
45306 Memory". Ed.]
45307%
45308The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
45309 -- Maurice Baring
45310%
45311The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
45312but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
45313%
45314The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
45315 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
45316Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
45317 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
45318The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
45319 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
45320
45321 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
45322%
45323The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
45324 -- W.C. Fields
45325%
45326The best defense against logic is ignorance.
45327%
45328The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
45329but doesn't.
45330 -- Tom Crichton
45331%
45332The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
45333 -- Scotty
45334%
45335The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
45336However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
45337by judging things by their price.
45338%
45339The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
45340what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
45341them while they do it.
45342 -- Theodore Roosevelt
45343%
45344The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
45345%
45346The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
45347 -- Blair
45348%
45349The best man for the job is often a woman.
45350%
45351The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
45352head waiter.
45353 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
45354%
45355The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
45356nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
45357 -- Wordsworth
45358%
45359The best prophet of the future is the past.
45360%
45361The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
45362redoubtable John W. Campbell:
45363
45364 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
45365 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
45366 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
45367 being read by a corpse.
45368%
45369The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
45370fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
45371drifting side by side to our common doom.
45372 -- Clarence Darrow
45373%
45374The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
45375company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
45376%
45377The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
45378%
45379The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
45380%
45381The best things in life are for a fee.
45382%
45383The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
45384%
45385The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
45386%
45387The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
45388%
45389The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
45390%
45391The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
45392%
45393The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
45394is a match.
45395 -- Will Rogers
45396%
45397The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
45398smoke is a right worth dying for.
45399%
45400The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
45401scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
45402when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
45403way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
45404Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
45405work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
45406 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
45407%
45408The best you get is an even break.
45409 -- Franklin Adams
45410%
45411The better part of valor is discretion.
45412 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
45413%
45414The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
45415To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
45416 -- Nietzsche
45417%
45418The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
45419to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
45420It's just that they need more supervision.
45421%
45422The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
45423never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
45424 -- Abraham Lincoln
45425%
45426The Bible on letters of reference:
45427
45428 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
45429we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
45430No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
45431man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
45432 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
45433%
45434The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
45435 -- Nora Ephron
45436%
45437The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
45438and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
45439women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any
45440more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
45441 -- Jules Feiffer
45442%
45443The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
45444themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
45445this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
45446hungry all the time?
45447%
45448The bigger the theory the better.
45449%
45450The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
45451%
45452The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
45453 -- Merrick Furst
45454%
45455The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
45456working for someone else.
45457%
45458The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
45459occurred.
45460%
45461The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
45462and the bird is on the wing.
45463 -- Omar Khayyam
45464%
45465The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
45466because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
45467and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
45468Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
45469of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
45470containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
45471put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
45472of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
45473%
45474The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
45475%
45476The bogosity meter just pegged.
45477%
45478The bold youth of today is very lonely.
45479 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
45480%
45481The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
45482 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
45483%
45484The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
45485half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
45486pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
45487hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
45488for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
45489during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
45490but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
45491 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
45492%
45493The boy stood on the burning deck,
45494Eating peanuts by the peck.
45495His father called him, but he could not go,
45496For he loved those peanuts so.
45497%
45498The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
45499you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
45500%
45501The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
45502 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
45503 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
45504 one, and convert to the next higher units.
45505%
45506The British are coming! The British are coming!
45507%
45508The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
45509fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
45510 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
45511%
45512The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
45513and humiliating reality.
45514 -- Oscar Wilde
45515%
45516The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
45517digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
45518of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
45519the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
45520 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
45521%
45522The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
45523Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
45524automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
45525 -- Art Buchwald
45526%
45527The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
45528the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
45529 -- Kay Bostic
45530%
45531The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
45532Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
45533Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
45534time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
45535Days of Pompeii."
45536
45537Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
45538beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
45539Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
45540written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
45541
45542 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
45543 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
45544 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
45545 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
45546 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
45547%
45548The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
45549bureaucracy.
45550%
45551"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
45552flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
45553%
45554The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
45555people, and don't come in clearly enough.
45556 -- Bill Maher
45557%
45558The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
45559sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
45560time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
45561into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
45562with Basil.
45563 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
45564%
45565The camel has a single hump;
45566The dromedary two;
45567Or else the other way around.
45568I'm never sure. Are you?
45569 -- Ogden Nash
45570%
45571The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
45572greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
45573inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
45574party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
45575 -- H. L. Mencken
45576%
45577The carbonyl is polarized,
45578The delta end is plus.
45579The nucleophile will thus attack,
45580The carbon nucleus.
45581Addition makes an alcohol,
45582Of types there are but three.
45583It makes a bond, to correspond,
45584From C to shining C.
45585 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
45586%
45587The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
45588 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
45589%
45590The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
45591%
45592"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
45593 -- G. Fitch
45594%
45595The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
45596sometimes three.
45597 -- Alexandre Dumas
45598%
45599The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
45600at the steam fitters picnic.
45601%
45602The chief cause of problems is solutions.
45603 -- Eric Sevareid
45604%
45605The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
45606 -- Alfred Adler
45607%
45608The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
45609 -- Picasso
45610%
45611The church is near but the road is icy,
45612the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
45613 -- Russian Proverb
45614%
45615The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
45616 -- Elbert Hubbard
45617%
45618The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
45619specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
45620rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
45621%
45622The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
45623%
45624The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
45625 -- John Muir
45626%
45627The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
45628the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
45629military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
45630private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
45631and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
45632who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
45633 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
45634%
45635The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
45636%
45637The closest to perfection a person ever comes
45638is when he fills out a job application form.
45639 -- Stanley J. Randall
45640%
45641The clothes have no emperor.
45642 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
45643%
45644The coast was clear.
45645 -- Lope de Vega
45646%
45647The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
45648intellectual nakedness.
45649 -- Robert M. Hutchins
45650%
45651The Commandments of the EE:
45652
456531: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
45654 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
45655 embarrassing manner.
456562: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
45657 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
45658 earthly vale of tears.
456593: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
45660 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
45661 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
45662 a radiator too.
456634: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
45664 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
45665 unbelievers.
45666%
45667The Commandments of the EE:
45668
456695: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
45670 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
45671 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
45672 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
45673 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
456746: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
45675 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
45676 the fury of the engineers on his head.
456777: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
45678 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
45679 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
456808: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
45681 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
45682 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
45683 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
45684%
45685The Commandments of the EE:
45686
456879: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
45688 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
45689 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
4569010: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
45691 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
45692 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
45693 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
4569411: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
45695 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
45696 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
45697 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
45698 innocent-seeming device.
45699%
45700The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
45701%
45702The computer gets faster! --Moore--
45703%
45704The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
45705entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
4570650's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
45707the 80's.
45708 -- Marty Winston
45709%
45710The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
45711central power station is to the electrical industry.
45712 -- Peter Drucker
45713%
45714"The Computer made me do it."
45715%
45716The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
45717 -- Alan Perlis
45718%
45719The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
45720defined several times by examples of what it is not.
45721%
45722The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
45723memos.
45724 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
45725%
45726The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
45727and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
45728language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
45729dangerous.
45730 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
45731%
45732The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
45733subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
45734every bird watcher in the country.
45735 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
45736%
45737The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
45738than what we've got!
45739%
45740The Consultant's Curse:
45741 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
45742what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
45743medicine, and is normally only required once.
45744%
45745The control of the production of wealth
45746is the control of human life itself.
45747 -- Hilaire Belloc
45748%
45749The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
45750none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
45751Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
45752Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
45753talked about.
45754 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
45755%
45756The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
45757%
45758The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
45759 -- W.C. Fields
45760%
45761The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
45762%
45763The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
45764%
45765The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
45766female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
45767rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
45768would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
45769career.
45770 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
45771%
45772The course of true anything never does run smooth.
45773 -- Samuel Butler
45774%
45775The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
45776judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
45777Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
45778cermoniously handed it to the defendant.
45779 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
45780father!"
45781%
45782The covers of this book are too far apart.
45783 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
45784%
45785The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
45786 -- John McNulty
45787%
45788The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
45789Instruments.
45790 -- Credits from the PBS program ``The Creation of the Universe''
45791%
45792The Crown is full of it!
45793 -- Nate Harris, 1775
45794%
45795The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
45796be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
45797propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
45798and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
45799assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
45800of all our rights and privileges.
45801 -- William Ellery Channing
45802
45803%
45804The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
45805words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
45806 -- Susan Dooley
45807%
45808The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
45809 -- Andy Purshottam
45810%
45811The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
45812a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
45813%
45814The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
45815Every class is unfit to govern.
45816 -- Lord Acton
45817%
45818The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
45819plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
45820Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
45821be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
45822agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
45823nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
45824that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
45825years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
45826 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
45827%
45828The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
45829and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
45830 -- Henry David Thoreau
45831%
45832The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
45833%
45834The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
45835as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
45836the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
45837dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
45838this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
45839doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
45840 -- Thomas Jefferson
45841%
45842The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
45843%
45844The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
45845to a tedious book.
45846%
45847The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
45848who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
45849Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
45850%
45851The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
45852%
45853"The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
45854accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
45855Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator."
45856 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
45857%
45858The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
45859%
45860The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
45861Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
45862%
45863The degree of civilization in a society
45864can be judged by entering its prisons.
45865 -- F. Dostoyevski
45866%
45867The degree of technical confidence is inversely
45868proportional to the level of management.
45869%
45870The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
45871people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
45872 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
45873%
45874The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
45875successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
45876and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
45877of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
45878second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
45879Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
45880into a drawer.
45881 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
45882young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
45883 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
45884crisis passed.
45885 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured
45886manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
45887 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
45888would be restructured. The crisis passed.
45889 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
45890blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
45891into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
45892 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
45893%
45894The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
45895 -- Anaxagoras
45896%
45897The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
45898 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
45899%
45900The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
45901%
45902The devil finds work for idle glands.
45903%
45904The die is cast.
45905 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
45906%
45907The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
45908%
45909The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
45910%
45911The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
45912exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
45913 -- Mark Twain
45914%
45915The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
45916the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
45917it would be a calamity.
45918 -- Benjamin Disraeli
45919%
45920The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
45921miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
45922%
45923The difference between art and science is that science is what we
45924understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
45925 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
45926%
45927The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
45928thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
45929is thinking that they're conspiring.
45930 -- J. Kegler
45931%
45932The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
45933called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
45934%
45935The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
45936%
45937The difference between legal separation and divorce is
45938that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
45939%
45940The difference between reality and unreality
45941is that reality has so little to recommend it.
45942 -- Allan Sherman
45943%
45944The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
45945requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
45946 -- Robert Heinlein
45947%
45948The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
45949Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
45950rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
45951swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
45952 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
45953%
45954The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
45955you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
45956swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
45957sentimentality.
45958 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
45959%
45960The difference between the right word and the almost right word
45961is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
45962 -- Mark Twain
45963%
45964The difference between this place and yogurt
45965is that yogurt has a live culture.
45966%
45967The difference between us is not very far,
45968cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
45969%
45970The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
45971 -- T. K.
45972%
45973The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
45974%
45975The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
45976the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
45977work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
45978 -- Russell Baker
45979%
45980The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
45981%
45982The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
45983%
45984The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
45985naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
45986 -- Ambrose Bierce
45987%
45988The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
45989following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
45990
45991 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
45992Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
45993Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
45994 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
45995Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
45996Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
45997Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
45998goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
45999Jews won't go near them ..."
46000 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
46001%
46002The distinction between true and false appears to become
46003increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
46004 -- Arne Tiselius
46005%
46006The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
46007a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
46008%
46009The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
46010the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
46011and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
46012 -- John Adams
46013%
46014The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
46015really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
46016 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
46017%
46018The door is the key.
46019%
46020The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
46021this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
46022hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
46023the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
46024it to his master.
46025 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
46026 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
46027%
46028The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
46029of the woman.
46030 -- Honore DeBalzac
46031%
46032The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
46033%
46034The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
46035%
46036The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
46037and owns the worm farm.
46038 -- Travis McGee
46039%
46040The early worm gets the bird.
46041%
46042The early worm gets the late bird.
46043%
46044The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
46045%
46046The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
46047add ten percent.
46048%
46049"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
46050teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
46051
46052"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
46053or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
46054hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
46055But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
46056valuable posession to him."
46057
46058"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
46059end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
46060to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
46061have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
46062enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
46063roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
46064would tire of the spectacle eventually."
46065 -- Mark Twain
46066%
46067The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
46068weather forecasters.
46069 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
46070%
46071The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
46072*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
46073 -- Mel Brooks
46074%
46075The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
46076%
46077"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
46078Compute' -- I forget which."
46079 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
46080%
46081The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
46082to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
46083Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
46084The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
46085Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
46086first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
46087that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
46088over the post of robotics correspondent.
46089 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
46090had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
46091the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
46092Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
46093wall when the revolution came'.
46094%
46095The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
46096 -- Buckminster Fuller
46097%
46098The end of labor is to gain leisure.
46099%
46100The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
46101civilization.
46102 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
46103%
46104The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
46105symposium to follow.
46106%
46107The ends justify the means.
46108 -- after Matthew Prior
46109%
46110The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
46111of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
46112of these atoms is talking moonshine.
46113 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
46114 the first time
46115%
46116The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
46117in full pursuit of the uneatable.
46118 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
46119%
46120The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
46121their children to speak it.
46122 -- George Bernard Shaw
46123%
46124The English instinctively admire any man
46125who has no talent and is modest about it.
46126 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
46127%
46128The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
46129purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
46130place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
46131before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
46132all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
46133result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
46134relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
46135Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
46136
46137 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
46138 "What kind of family do you come from?"
46139 "A rich, Jewish family."
46140 "And your wife?"
46141 "A German aristocrat."
46142 "Have you ever been to the West?"
46143 "I spent most of my life in England."
46144 "How did you make a living there?"
46145 "A friend supported me."
46146 "Where did you get the money from?"
46147 "He owned a textile factory."
46148 "Who was Lenin?"
46149 "Never heard of him."
46150 "What is your name?"
46151 "Karl Marx."
46152%
46153[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
46154practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
46155 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
46156 presidential aspirant.
46157%
46158The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
46159for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
46160a substitute for intelligence.
46161 -- Lyman Bryson
46162%
46163The eternal feminine draws us upward.
46164 -- Goethe
46165%
46166The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
46167 -- Anne Boleyn
46168%
46169The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
46170is the most likely to be correct.
46171 -- William of Occam
46172%
46173The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
46174the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
46175own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
46176of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
46177of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
46178what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
46179everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
46180so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
46181in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
46182 -- Chuang Tzu
46183%
46184The eyes of taxes are upon you.
46185%
46186The eyes of Texas are upon you,
46187All the livelong day;
46188The eyes of Texas are upon you,
46189You cannot get away;
46190Do not think you can escape them
46191From night 'til early in the morn;
46192The eyes of Texas are upon you
46193'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
46194 -- University of Texas' school song
46195%
46196The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
46197utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
46198a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
46199 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
46200%
46201The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
46202remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
46203 -- Ambrose Bierce
46204%
46205The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics
46206in general as no other can.
46207 -- Wilhelm Reich
46208%
46209The fact that it works is immaterial.
46210 -- L. Ogborn
46211%
46212The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
46213endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
46214compassion.
46215 -- Saul Alinsky
46216%
46217The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
46218%
46219The farther you go, the less you know.
46220 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
46221%
46222The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
46223 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
46224%
46225The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
46226outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
46227say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
46228so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
46229so long as they are Tories.
46230 -- Christopher Booker
46231%
46232The faster I go, the behinder I get.
46233 -- Lewis Carroll
46234%
46235The faster we go, the rounder we get.
46236 -- The Grateful Dead
46237%
46238The Fastest Defeat In Chess
46239 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
46240master.
46241 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
46242Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
46243chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
46244of their own homes.
46245 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
46246 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3
46247 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4
46248 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5
46249 4: P-K6, Kt-K6/
46250 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
46251either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
46252 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46253%
46254The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
46255business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the
46256lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
46257of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
46258 "Whaddaya want?"
46259 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
46260 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
46261%
46262The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
46263and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
46264suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
46265I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
46266dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
46267quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
46268and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
46269for them to despise science fiction.
46270 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
46271%
46272The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
46273wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
46274 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
46275you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
46276the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
46277center at Notre Dame."
46278 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
46279times."
46280%
46281"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
46282supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
46283anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
46284husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
46285and become lesbians."
46286%
46287The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
46288 (1) write down the problem.
46289 (2) think very hard.
46290 (3) write down the answer.
46291 -- Murray Gell-Mann
46292%
46293The Fifth Rule:
46294 You have taken yourself too seriously.
46295%
46296The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
46297 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
46298%
46299The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons.
46300%
46301The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
46302%
46303The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
46304the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
46305%
46306The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
46307the Bible.
46308 -- John Quincy Adams
46309
46310All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
46311but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
46312to man are contained in it.
46313 -- Abraham Lincoln
46314
46315... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
46316life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only
46317guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
46318 -- Woodrow Wilson
46319%
46320The First Commandment for Technicians:
46321 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
46322capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
46323untechnician-like manner.
46324%
46325The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
46326 -- Abbie Hoffman
46327%
46328The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
46329Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
46330tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
46331forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
46332fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
46333threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
46334suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
46335foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
46336one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
46337dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
46338drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
46339and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
46340thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
46341of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
46342in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
46343crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
46344Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
46345a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
46346throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
46347 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
46348%
46349The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
46350 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
46351%
46352The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
46353and the second half by our children.
46354 -- Clarence Darrow
46355%
46356The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
46357and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
46358%
46359The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
46360management is that success equals skill.
46361 -- Robert Heller
46362%
46363The first requisite for immortality is death.
46364 -- Stanislaw Lem
46365%
46366The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
46367child, was propounded to me by my father:
46368 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
46369whistles?"
46370 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
46371gave up.
46372 "A herring," said my father.
46373 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
46374 "So hang it there."
46375 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
46376 "Paint it."
46377 "But a herring isn't wet."
46378 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
46379 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
46380doesn't whistle!!"
46381 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
46382hard."
46383 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
46384%
46385The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
46386 -- H. L. Mencken
46387%
46388The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
46389 -- Paul Erlich
46390%
46391"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
46392hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
46393 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
46394%
46395The First Rule of Program Optimization:
46396 Don't do it.
46397
46398The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
46399 Don't do it yet.
46400 -- Michael Jackson
46401%
46402The first thing I do in the morning
46403is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
46404 -- Dorothy Parker
46405%
46406The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
46407 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
46408%
46409The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
46410The second, a trick.
46411Later, it's a well-established technique!
46412 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
46413%
46414The first version always gets thrown away.
46415%
46416The five rules of Socialism:
46417
46418 1. Don't think.
46419 2. If you do think, don't speak.
46420 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
46421 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
46422 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
46423
46424 -- being told in Poland, 1987
46425%
46426...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
46427%
46428The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
46429 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
46430%
46431The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
46432 -- Alan Coult
46433%
46434The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
46435Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
46436
46437As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
46438logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
46439appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
46440four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
46441 . . .
46442Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
46443blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
46444parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
46445of the hyper-cube.
46446%
46447The following statement is not true.
46448The previous statement is true.
46449%
46450The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
46451
46452 1. You can't push on a string.
46453 2. Ain't no free lunches.
46454 3. Them as has, gets.
46455 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
46456%
46457The Force is what holds everything together.
46458It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
46459It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
46460%
46461The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
46462completely surrounded by people who want some.
46463 -- Dwight MacDonald
46464%
46465The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
46466because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
46467rests on mutual help.
46468 -- Laukikanyay.
46469%
46470The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
46471and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
46472%
46473The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
46474received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
46475%
46476The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
46477trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
46478%
46479The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
46480objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
46481due to levitation.
46482 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
46483if the character does not have fire resistance.
46484 -- README file from the NetHack game
46485%
46486"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
46487vinyl."
46488 -- Dave Barry
46489%
46490[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
46491 -- Somerset Maugham
46492%
46493The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
46494number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
46495%
46496The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
46497of both parties tactfully interferes.
46498 -- G. K. Chesterton
46499%
46500The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
46501but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
46502 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
46503%
46504The future is a myth created by insurance
46505salesmen and high school counselors.
46506%
46507The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
46508 -- H. G. Wells
46509%
46510The future is going to be boring.
46511 -- J. G. Ballard
46512%
46513The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
46514%
46515The future lies ahead.
46516%
46517The future not being born, my friend,
46518we will abstain from baptizing it.
46519 -- George Meredith
46520%
46521The garden is in mourning;
46522The rain falls cool among the flowers.
46523Summer shivers quietly
46524On its way towards its end.
46525
46526Golden leaf after leaf
46527Falls from the tall acacia.
46528Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
46529In this dying dream of a garden.
46530
46531For a long while, yet, in the roses,
46532She will linger on, yearning for peace,
46533And slowly
46534Close her weary eyes.
46535 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
46536%
46537The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
46538%
46539The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
46540people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
46541drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
46542 -- Gore Vidal
46543%
46544The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
46545%
46546The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
46547%
46548The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
46549today.
46550%
46551The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
46552remember her first husband.
46553%
46554The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
46555%
46556The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
46557 -- Sophia Loren
46558%
46559The glances over cocktails
46560That seemed to be so sweet
46561Don't seem quite so amorous
46562Over Shredded Wheat
46563%
46564The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
46565least until we've finished building it.
46566%
46567The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
46568The goal of nature is to build better mice.
46569%
46570The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
46571They gave him love and he invented marriage.
46572%
46573The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
46574is your move.
46575 -- Frank Crane
46576%
46577The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
46578 He who has the gold makes the rules.
46579%
46580"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
46581make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
46582have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
46583man in the bonds of Hell."
46584 -- St. Augustine
46585%
46586The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
46587to be good.
46588 -- John Barrymore
46589%
46590The good (I am convinced, for one)
46591Is but the bad one leaves undone.
46592Once your reputation's done
46593You can live a life of fun.
46594 -- Wilhelm Busch
46595%
46596The good life was so elusive
46597It really got me down
46598I had to regain some confidence
46599So I got into camaflouge
46600%
46601The good time is approaching,
46602The season is at hand.
46603When the merry click of the two-base lick
46604Will be heard throughout the land.
46605The frost still lingers on the earth, and
46606Budless are the trees.
46607But the merry ring of the voice of spring
46608Is borne upon the breeze.
46609 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
46610%
46611The Gordian Maxim:
46612If a string has one end, it has another.
46613%
46614The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
46615to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
46616and they can't fire it.
46617%
46618The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
46619statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are
46620extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
46621displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
46622case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
46623down anything he damn well pleases.
46624 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
46625%
46626The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
46627Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
46628and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
46629%
46630The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
46631Christian Religion
46632 -- George Washington
46633%
46634The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
46635with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
46636fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
46637for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
46638"Send Lord Combermere."
46639 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
46640Combermere a fool."
46641 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
46642 -- G. W. E. Russell
46643%
46644The goys have proven the following theorem...
46645 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
46646 lecture.
46647%
46648The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
46649who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
46650 -- Benjamin Franklin.
46651%
46652The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
46653%
46654The grave's a fine and private place,
46655but none, I think, do there embrace.
46656 -- Andrew Marvell
46657%
46658The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
46659 -- Charles de Gaulle
46660%
46661The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
46662 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
46663courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
46664clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
46665of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
46666Hedgehog Eater.
46667 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
46668%
46669The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
46670 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
46671%
46672The Great Movie Posters:
46673
46674*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
46675With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
46676 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
46677
46678Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
46679GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
46680 -- The Wild Party (1929)
46681
46682YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
46683DIX -- the dashing soldier!
46684 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
46685 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
46686 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
46687
46688SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
46689SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
46690 -- The Night is Young (1934)
46691%
46692The Great Movie Posters:
46693
46694A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
46695unimaginable hell.
46696 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
46697
46698NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
46699 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
46700
46701LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF
46702SLAUGHTER!
46703 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
46704
46705The family that slays together stays together.
46706 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
46707%
46708The Great Movie Posters:
46709
46710An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
46711 -- Squirm (1976)
46712
46713Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
46714This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
46715 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
46716
46717WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
46718 -- Zombie (1980)
46719
46720It's not human and it's got an axe.
46721 -- The Prey (1981)
46722%
46723The Great Movie Posters:
46724
46725Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
46726SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
46727... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
46728 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
46729
46730An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
46731 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
46732
46733WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
46734RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
46735Alone, only a harmless pet...
46736 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
46737 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
46738
46739They're Over-Exposed
46740But Not Under-Developed!
46741 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
46742%
46743The Great Movie Posters:
46744
46745HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
46746 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
46747
46748Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
46749Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
46750 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
46751
46752NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
46753FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
46754 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
46755%
46756The Great Movie Posters:
46757
46758HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
46759 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
46760
46761The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
46762
46763 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
46764
46765TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
46766 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
46767
46768They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
46769 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
46770%
46771The Great Movie Posters:
46772
46773KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
46774of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
46775you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
46776 -- Spitfire (1934)
46777
46778Do Native Women Live With Apes?
46779 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
46780
46781JUNGLE KISS!!
46782 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
46783was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
46784she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic
46785spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
46786was a girl in love!
46787 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
46788 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
46789
46790LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
46791 -- Intermezzo (1939)
46792%
46793The Great Movie Posters:
46794
46795POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
46796 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
46797
46798She Sins in Mobile --
46799Marries in Houston --
46800Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
46801Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
46802MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
46803FIRST -- HARLOW!
46804THEN -- MONROE!
46805NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
46806 -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
46807
46808*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
46809A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
468101001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
46811 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
46812 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
46813 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
46814%
46815The Great Movie Posters:
46816
46817SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
46818-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
46819-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
46820-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
46821-- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
46822 SEE the burning of a virgin!
46823 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
46824 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
46825 -- Kwaheri (1965)
46826
46827The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
46828 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
46829
46830AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
46831A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
46832 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
46833give you the wim-wams!
46834 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
46835%
46836The Great Movie Posters:
46837
46838SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
46839SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
46840SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
46841 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
46842
46843What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
46844 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
46845
46846It's always better when you come again!
46847 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
46848
46849You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
46850 -- Pieces (1983)
46851%
46852The Great Movie Posters:
46853
46854SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
46855on a roaring rampage of revenge!
46856 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
46857
46858WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
46859SAUSAGES?
46860 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
46861
46862TODAY the Pond!
46863TOMORROW the World!
46864 -- Frogs (1972)
46865%
46866The Great Movie Posters:
46867
46868She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
46869 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
46870
46871CAST OF 3,000!
468724 WRITERS,
468732 DIRECTORS,
468743 CAMERAMEN,
468753 PRODUCERS!
468761 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
4687724 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
4687820 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
46879 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
46880 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
46881THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
46882Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
46883 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
46884 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
46885 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
46886%
46887The Great Movie Posters:
46888
46889The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
46890 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
46891
46892OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
46893Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
46894the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
46895Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
46896 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
46897 -- Robot Monster (1953)
46898
468991,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
46900802 scared bulls!
46901 -- The Egyptian (1954)
46902%
46903The Great Movie Posters:
46904
46905The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
46906horror on a screaming world!
46907 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
46908
46909SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs,
46910giant desires!
46911 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
46912
46913Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
46914What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
46915Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
46916 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
46917%
46918The Great Movie Posters:
46919
46920They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
46921SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
46922 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
46923
46924See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
46925 -- The French Line (1954)
46926
46927See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
46928 -- Hot Blood (1956)
46929%
46930The Great Movie Posters:
46931
46932When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
46933Friends...
46934 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
46935
46936Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
46937 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
46938
46939A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
46940OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
46941 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
46942%
46943The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
46944like prostitutes.
46945 -- Stanley Kubrick
46946%
46947The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
46948yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
46949feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
46950 -- Sigmund Freud
46951%
46952The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
46953At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
46954answered themselves.
46955 -- Arthur Binstead
46956%
46957The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
46958of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
46959 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
46960%
46961The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
46962is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
46963%
46964The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
46965 -- Sophocles
46966%
46967The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
46968before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
46969the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
46970their wives and daughters to his arms.
46971 -- Genghis Khan
46972%
46973The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
46974 -- Polish proverb
46975%
46976The Greatest Mathematical Error
46977 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
46978July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
46979give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
46980would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
46981corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet,
46982scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
46983 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
46984plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
46985 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
46986the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
46987spokesman said.
46988 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
46989 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46990%
46991The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
46992%
46993The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
46994 -- Robert Heinlein
46995%
46996The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
46997%
46998The groundhog is like most other prophets;
46999it delivers its message and then disappears.
47000%
47001The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead,
47002thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature
47003would have been useful to the chicken.
47004
47005 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction"
47006%
47007The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
47008 -- Galbraith
47009%
47010The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
47011 -- J. K. Galbraith
47012%
47013The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
47014success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
47015%
47016The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
47017 -- Albert Einstein
47018%
47019The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
47020you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
47021%
47022The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
47023deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
47024author's name on the title page.
47025 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
47026%
47027The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
47028 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
47029%
47030The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
47031of functions performed by private citizens.
47032 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
47033%
47034The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
47035whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
47036%
47037The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
47038 -- Blaise Pascal
47039%
47040The heart is wiser than the intellect.
47041%
47042...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
47043%
47044The heaviest object in the world is the
47045body of the woman you have ceased to love.
47046 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
47047%
47048The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
47049 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
47050%
47051The help people need most urgently is
47052help in admitting that they need help.
47053%
47054The herd instinct among economists
47055makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
47056%
47057The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
47058challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
47059keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
47060itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
47061of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
47062is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
47063adventurous youth.
47064 -- Benjamin Cardozo
47065%
47066The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
47067which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
47068least 5000 years old."
47069%
47070The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
47071 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
47072%
47073The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
47074three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
47075Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
47076instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
47077eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
47078have lunch?".
47079 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
47080%
47081The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
47082are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
47083
47084Retribution:
47085 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
47086Anticipation:
47087 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
47088Diplomacy:
47089 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
47090 pretext that your brother did it.
47091%
47092The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
47093 -- Johnny Carson
47094%
47095The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
47096to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
47097 -- Helen Rowland
47098%
47099The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
47100she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
47101 -- Bill Lawrence
47102%
47103The horror... the horror!
47104%
47105The human animal differs from the lesser
47106primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
47107 -- H. Allen Smith
47108%
47109The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
47110you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
47111 -- Sir George Jessel
47112%
47113"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
47114has gills through which it can see."
47115 -- Monty Python
47116%
47117The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
47118its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
47119%
47120The human mind treats a new idea the way the
47121body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
47122 -- P. Medawar
47123%
47124The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
47125Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
47126its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
47127us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
47128facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
47129certain degree of awe.
47130 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
47131%
47132The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
47133 -- Mark Twain
47134%
47135The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
47136procession but carrying a banner.
47137 -- Mark Twain
47138%
47139The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
47140 -- David Gerrold
47141%
47142The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
47143that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
47144 -- Leo J. Burke
47145%
47146The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
47147if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
47148 -- D. Cohen
47149%
47150The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
47151 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
47152%
47153The idea is to die young as late as possible.
47154 -- Ashley Montague
47155%
47156The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
47157tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
47158it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
47159 -- Doug Gwyn
47160%
47161The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
47162devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
47163where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
47164sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
47165consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
47166have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
47167repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
47168of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
47169devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
47170 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
47171%
47172The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
47173no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
47174 -- Harry V. Wade
47175%
47176The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
47177are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
47178understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
47179 -- John Maynard Keyes
47180%
47181"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
47182 -- Franco Spisani
47183%
47184The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
47185%
47186The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
47187 -- Quintus Ennius
47188%
47189"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
47190longer."
47191 -- Henry Kissinger
47192%
47193The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
47194 A program is a lot like a nose:
47195 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
47196%
47197The important thing is not to stop questioning.
47198%
47199The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
47200%
47201The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
47202has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
47203when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
47204 -- Will Rogers
47205%
47206The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
47207point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
47208important thing to people.
47209 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
47210%
47211The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
47212a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
47213 -- Bertrand Russell
47214%
47215The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
47216the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
47217 -- Churchill
47218%
47219The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
47220there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
47221pointer and a mark.
47222 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
47223%
47224The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
47225number of participants.
47226 -- Adam Walinsky
47227%
47228The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
47229the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
47230affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
47231style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into
47232manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
47233constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
47234overturning everything.
47235 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
47236%
47237The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
47238the group divided by the number of people in the group.
47239%
47240The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
47241information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
47242dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
47243real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
47244
47245So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
47246pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
47247consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
47248 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
47249%
47250The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
47251treat the Arabs like postmen.
47252 -- Franklyn Ajaye
47253%
47254The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
47255knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
47256Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
47257 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
47258good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
47259still in."
47260%
47261"The jig's up, Elman."
47262"Which jig?"
47263 -- Jeff Elman
47264%
47265The Junior God now heads the roll
47266In the list of heaven's peers;
47267He sits in the House of High Control,
47268And he regulates the spheres.
47269Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
47270If, even in gods divine,
47271The best and wisest may not be those
47272Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
47273 -- R. W. Service
47274%
47275The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
47276debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
47277revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
47278quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
47279resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
47280workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
47281Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
47282to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
47283hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
47284nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
47285goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
47286drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
47287 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
47288 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
47289 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
47290 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
47291%
47292The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems:
47293there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud.
47294 -- Andrew Hume
47295%
47296The Kennedy Constant:
47297 Don't get mad -- get even.
47298%
47299The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
47300 -- L. Zadeh
47301%
47302The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
47303an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
47304advantage to see the truth.
47305 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
47306%
47307The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
47308%
47309The kind of danger people most enjoy is
47310the kind they can watch from a safe place.
47311%
47312The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
47313
47314King: "How goes the battle plan?"
47315Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
47316K: "Yes."
47317A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
47318 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
47319 the dust clears."
47320K: "And?"
47321A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
47322K: "But what about the
47323^#!!$% battle plan?"
47324A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
47325%
47326The knowledge that makes us cherish
47327innocence makes innocence unattainable.
47328 -- Irving Howe
47329%
47330The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
47331the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
47332world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
47333dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
47334per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
47335really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
47336drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
47337I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
47338And now, just look at me."
47339%
47340The ladies men admire, I've heard,
47341Would shudder at a wicked word.
47342Their candle gives a single light;
47343They'd rather stay at home at night.
47344They do not keep awake till three,
47345Nor read erotic poetry.
47346They never sanction the impure,
47347Nor recognize an overture.
47348They shrink from powders and from paints...
47349So far, I've had no complaints.
47350 -- Dorothy Parker
47351%
47352The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
47353Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
47354 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
47355%
47356The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
47357 -- Werner Trobin
47358%
47359The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
47360everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
47361%
47362The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
47363%
47364The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
47365 -- Blaise Pascal
47366%
47367The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
47368hand.
47369 -- Fred Allen
47370%
47371The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
47372processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
47373 -- Roy Blount, Jr.
47374%
47375The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
47376 -- Governor Tarkin
47377%
47378The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
47379to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
47380 -- Anatole France
47381%
47382The Law of the Letter:
47383 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
47384%
47385The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
47386 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
47387%
47388The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
47389law free.
47390 -- Henry David Thoreau
47391%
47392The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
47393should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
47394weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
47395we own.
47396 -- H. G. Wells
47397%
47398The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
47399 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
47400most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
47401give a public reading of his latest poem.
47402 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
47403Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
47404Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
47405 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
47406and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
47407the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
47408turn."
47409 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
47410Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
47411lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
47412Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
47413on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
47414much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
47415 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
47416exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
47417their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
47418be better."
47419 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47420%
47421The Least Successful Animal Rescue
47422 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
47423rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
47424emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
47425lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
47426tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
47427So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
47428later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
47429 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47430%
47431The Least Successful Collector
47432 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
47433was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
47434amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
47435works of Shakespeare.
47436 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
47437legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
47438remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
47439 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
47440the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
47441French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
47442 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47443%
47444The Least Successful Defrosting Device
47445 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
47446whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
47447 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
47448got stuck fast."
47449 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
47450was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
47451 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
47452muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
47453 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
47454constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
47455Lips".
47456 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47457%
47458The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
47459 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
47460Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
47461legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
47462enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
47463men and women.
47464 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47465%
47466The Least Successful Executions
47467 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
47468The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
47469made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
47470snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
47471and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
47472punishment, he was reprieved.
47473 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
47474tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
47475occasion failed to get the trap door open.
47476 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
47477Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
47478to America and lived until 1933.
47479 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47480%
47481The Least Successful Police Dogs
47482 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
47483schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
47484in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
47485offend the criminal classes.
47486 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
47487and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
47488 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
47489stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
47490raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
474911967.
47492 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
47493patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
47494fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
47495him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
47496 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47497%
47498The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
47499 -- Kin Hubbard
47500%
47501The less time planning, the more time programming.
47502%
47503THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
47504
47505 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
47506Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
47507for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
47508code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
47509END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
47510syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
47511the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
47512frustrating process of testing and debugging.
47513%
47514THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
47515
47516 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
47517Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
47518users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
47519lithtth.
47520%
47521THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
47522
47523 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
47524Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
47525SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
47526three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
47527while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
47528often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
47529%
47530THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
47531
47532 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
47533industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
47534Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
47535operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
47536accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
47537
47538 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
47539 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
47540 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
47541 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
47542 THEN
47543 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
47544 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
47545 SURE
47546 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
47547 GOTO THE MALL
47548
47549 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
47550example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
47551message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
47552AWESOME!
47553%
47554THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
47555
47556 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
47557DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
47558SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
47559graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
47560it travels across the screen.
47561%
47562THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
47563
47564 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
47565unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
47566Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
47567programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
47568%
47569THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
47570
47571 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
47572he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
47573best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
47574generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
47575a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
47576%
47577THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
47578
47579 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
47580refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
47581FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
47582refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
47583VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
47584 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
47585financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
47586LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
47587RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
47588who end up using this language.
47589%
47590THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
47591
47592 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
47593T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
47594intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
47595 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
47596while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
47597since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
47598 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
47599gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
47600syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
47601%
47602The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
47603 -- Lenny Bruce
47604%
47605The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
47606 -- Plato
47607%
47608The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
47609train.
47610%
47611The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
47612%
47613The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
47614%
47615The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come
47616%
47617The lion and the calf shall lie down
47618together but the calf won't get much sleep.
47619 -- Woody Allen
47620%
47621The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
47622She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
47623 -- DeGourmont
47624%
47625The little pieces of my life I give to you,
47626with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
47627%
47628The little town that time forgot,
47629Where all the women are strong,
47630The men are good-looking,
47631And the children above-average.
47632 -- Prairie Home Companion
47633%
47634The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
47635door with a basket of kittens.
47636 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
47637 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
47638Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
47639girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
47640 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
47641 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
47642 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
47643 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
47644%
47645The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
47646for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
47647simply making a limiting statement about himself.
47648 -- Sidney Harris
47649%
47650The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
47651 -- Henry Kissinger
47652%
47653The longer the title, the less important the job.
47654%
47655The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
47656 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
47657%
47658"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
47659we could with both of them."
47660 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
47661%
47662The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
47663Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
47664%
47665The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
47666so many of them.
47667 -- Abraham Lincoln
47668%
47669The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
47670 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47671%
47672The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
47673the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
47674her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
47675Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
47676steel through your last meal!'
47677 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
47678%
47679The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
47680%
47681The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
47682Are of imagination all compact...
47683 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
47684%
47685The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
47686%
47687The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
47688 -- Benjamin Disraeli
47689%
47690The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
47691 -- Kevin Cowherd
47692%
47693The major advances in civilization are processes
47694that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
47695 -- A. N. Whitehead
47696%
47697The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
47698bonds will eventually mature.
47699%
47700The major sin is the sin of being born.
47701 -- Samuel Beckett
47702%
47703The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play
47704the violin.
47705 -- Honore DeBalzac
47706%
47707The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
47708The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
47709consistency.
47710 -- Albert Einstein
47711%
47712The makers may make,
47713And the users may use,
47714But the fixers must fix
47715With but minimal clues.
47716%
47717The man she had was kind and clean
47718And well enough for every day,
47719But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
47720The one that got away.
47721 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
47722%
47723The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
47724 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
47725Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
47726invented it.
47727 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
47728American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
47729 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
47730After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
47731-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
47732 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
47733point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
47734the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
47735not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
47736that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
47737sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
47738 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47739%
47740The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
47741The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
47742been.
47743 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
47744%
47745The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
47746 -- Menander
47747%
47748The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
47749 -- Bertolt Brecht
47750%
47751The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
47752 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
47753%
47754The man who runs may fight again.
47755 -- Menander
47756%
47757The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
47758Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
47759 -- Old Japanese proverb
47760%
47761The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
47762will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
47763 -- Mark Twain
47764%
47765The man who understands one woman is
47766qualified to understand pretty well everything.
47767 -- Yeats
47768%
47769The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
47770to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
47771 -- Will Rogers
47772
47773The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
47774 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
47775%
47776The Marines:
47777 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
47778%
47779The Marines:
47780 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
47781%
47782The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
47783wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
47784 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
47785%
47786The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
47787while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
47788 -- Wilhelm Stekel
47789%
47790The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
47791and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
47792master calls a butterfly.
47793 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
47794%
47795The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
47796husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
47797are one, and that one is marxism.
47798 -- Heidi Hartmann,
47799 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
47800%
47801The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
47802%
47803The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
47804soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
47805which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
47806%
47807The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
47808 -- Bulwer
47809%
47810The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
47811%
47812The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
47813always end up on their ends without any means.
47814 -- Saul Alinsky
47815%
47816The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
47817Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
47818%
47819The meek don't want it.
47820%
47821The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
47822%
47823The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
47824%
47825The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
47826time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
47827%
47828The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
47829 -- J. P. Getty
47830%
47831The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
47832%
47833The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
47834%
47835The meek shall inherit the Earth.
47836(But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
47837%
47838The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
47839%
47840The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
47841chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
47842 -- Carl Jung
47843%
47844[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
47845undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
47846for impotency.
47847 -- Winston Churchill
47848%
47849The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
47850 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
47851 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
47852 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
47853%
47854The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
47855devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
47856 -- Lew Mammel, Jr.
47857%
47858The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
47859%
47860The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
47861mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
47862being who produces the impressions.
47863 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
47864%
47865The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
47866general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
47867any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
47868not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
47869Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
47870Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
47871predictive power.
47872 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
47873 Thinking"
47874%
47875The Modelski Chain Rule:
478761: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
47877 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
47878 Hewlett-Packard.
478792: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
47880 bright-looking individual.
478813: Procure a large chain.
478824: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
47883 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
47884 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
47885 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
47886%
47887The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
47888 -- Laurence J. Peter
47889%
47890"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
47891themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
47892of the bicuspids?"
47893 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
47894%
47895The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
47896 -- Nicol Williamson
47897%
47898The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
47899%
47900The moon is made of green cheese.
47901 -- John Heywood
47902%
47903The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
47904%
47905The Moral Majority is neither.
47906%
47907The more complex the mind, the greater
47908the need for the simplicity of play.
47909 -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave"
47910%
47911The more control, the more that requires control.
47912%
47913The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
47914the odds that the competition already has the order.
47915%
47916The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
47917%
47918"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
47919lower the mailing cost."
47920 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
47921%
47922The more I know men the more I like my horse.
47923%
47924The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
47925 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
47926%
47927The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
47928 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
47929%
47930The more laws and order are made prominent,
47931the more thieves and robbers there will be.
47932 -- Lao Tsu
47933%
47934The more the merrier.
47935 -- John Heywood
47936%
47937The more they over-think the plumbing
47938the easier it is to stop up the drain.
47939%
47940The more things change, the more they remain the same.
47941 -- Alphonse Karr
47942%
47943The more things change, the more they stay insane.
47944%
47945The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
47946%
47947The more we disagree, the more chance
47948there is that at least one of us is right.
47949%
47950The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
47951%
47952The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
47953%
47954The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
47955First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
47956three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
47957%
47958The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
47959%
47960The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
47961 -- Andy Warhol
47962%
47963The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
47964%
47965The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
47966exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
47967rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
47968flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
47969have the good fortune to find one.
47970 -- Carlyle
47971%
47972The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
47973family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
47974of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
47975 -- Derek Wills
47976%
47977The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
47978in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
47979 -- H. L. Mencken
47980%
47981The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
47982 -- American proverb
47983%
47984The most dangerous organization in America today is:
47985
47986 a) The KKK
47987 b) The American Nazi Party
47988 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
47989%
47990The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
47991the country is the one on which you resell it.
47992 -- J. Brecheux
47993%
47994The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
47995is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
47996%
47997"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
47998to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
47999 -- Theodore H. White
48000%
48001The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
48002%
48003The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
48004not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
48005 -- Alfred De Musset
48006%
48007The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
48008discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
48009 -- Isaac Asimov
48010%
48011The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
48012ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
48013it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
48014woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
48015the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
48016bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
48017in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
48018starts a long, long time before the event.
48019 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
48020 from "Congress Eate It Up"
48021%
48022...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
48023freshman English at a Midwestern university.
48024 -- Tom Wolfe
48025%
48026The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
48027of a deaf man to a blind woman.
48028 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
48029%
48030The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
48031%
48032The most important early product on the way
48033to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
48034%
48035The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
48036people to approach printed matter with distrust.
48037%
48038The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
48039is that one of them be good at taking orders.
48040 -- Linda Festa
48041%
48042The most important things, each person must do for himself.
48043%
48044The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
48045 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
48046%
48047The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
48048conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
48049participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
48050organization.
48051 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
48052organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
48053orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
48054know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
48055every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
48056 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
48057New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
48058 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
48059Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
48060weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
48061a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
48062with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
48063Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
48064white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
48065so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
48066or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
48067possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
48068lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
48069demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
48070astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
48071an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
48072radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
48073existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
48074and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
48075broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
48076 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
48077%
48078The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
48079served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
48080been found.
48081 -- Calvin Trillin
48082%
48083The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
48084biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
48085them were fishermen.
48086 -- Arthur Binstead
48087%
48088The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
48089 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
48090Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
48091several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
48092the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
48093to commit adultery.
48094 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
48095country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
48096the printers L3,000.
48097 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48098%
48099The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
48100children for their insurance money.
48101 -- Sherlock Holmes
48102%
48103The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
48104%
48105The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
48106 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
48107Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
48108 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
48109%
48110The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
48111perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
48112seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
48113%
48114The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
48115 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
48116%
48117The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
48118 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
48119%
48120"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
481211986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
48122 -- David Letterman
48123%
48124The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
48125 Support your right to bare arms!
48126%
48127The nearer to the church, the further from God.
48128 -- John Heywood
48129%
48130The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
48131 -- John Gilmore
48132%
48133The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
48134in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
48135occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
48136 -- James 'Kibo' Parry
48137%
48138The net of law is spread so wide,
48139No sinner from its sweep may hide.
48140Its meshes are so fine and strong,
48141They take in every child of wrong.
48142O wondrous web of mystery!
48143Big fish alone escape from thee!
48144 -- James Jeffrey Roche
48145%
48146The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
48147I hope I don't get run over again.
48148%
48149The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
48150doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
48151%
48152THE NEW RIGHT:
48153 A javelin team that elects to receive.
48154%
48155The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
48156in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
48157
48158 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
48159 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
48160
48161 -- Matthew 5:37
48162%
48163"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
48164Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
48165The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
48166and running the country ..."
48167 -- Robert J Woodhead
48168%
48169The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
48170to me is going to have his head knocked off.
48171 -- Bill Conrad
48172%
48173The next thing I say to you will be true.
48174The last thing I said was false.
48175%
48176The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
48177 -- Lucille S. Harper
48178%
48179The nice thing about standards
48180is that there are so many of them to choose from.
48181 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
48182%
48183The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
48184%
48185The night passes quickly when you're asleep
48186But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
48187...
48188Breakfast at the Egg House,
48189Like the waffle on the griddle,
48190I'm burnt around the edges,
48191But I'm tender in the middle.
48192 -- Adrian Belew
48193%
48194The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
48195rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
48196bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
48197'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
48198 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
48199%
48200The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
48201remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
48202 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
48203%
48204The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
48205serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
48206these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
48207function is to serve as checks upon the state.
48208 -- Alan Barth
48209%
48210The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
48211correct.
48212 -- Ralph Hartley
48213%
48214The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
48215proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
48216%
48217The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
48218of the barbecue.
48219%
48220The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
48221increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
48222%
48223The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
48224 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
48225%
48226The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
48227is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
48228is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
48229 -- Robert Woodhead
48230%
48231The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
48232all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
48233answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
48234when called upon.
48235 However...
48236When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
48237yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
48238%
48239The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
48240%
48241The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
48242%
48243The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
48244
48245 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
48246 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
48247 of Corporate Planning."
48248%
48249The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
48250
48251 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
48252 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
48253 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
48254 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
48255%
48256The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
48257
48258 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
48259 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
48260 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
48261 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
48262 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
48263 god at 8:15 the next morning.
48264%
48265The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
48266is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
48267more like fourteen.
48268 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
48269%
48270The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
48271New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
48272they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
48273 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
48274taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
48275%
48276THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
48277to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
48278floor.
48279
48280"Sorry," he said with a smile.
48281 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
48282%
48283The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
48284%
48285The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
48286Let the reader catch his own breath.
48287 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
48288%
48289The older I grow, the more I distrust the
48290familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
48291 -- H. L. Mencken
48292%
48293The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
48294 -- Oscar Wilde
48295%
48296The one good thing about repeating your
48297mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
48298%
48299The one L lama, he's a priest
48300The two L llama, he's a beast
48301And I will bet my silk pyjama
48302There isn't any three L lllama.
48303 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
48304 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
48305%
48306The One Page Principle:
48307 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
48308 cannot be understood.
48309 -- Mark Ardis
48310%
48311The one sure way to make a lazy man look
48312respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
48313%
48314The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
48315 -- Abbey Hoffman
48316%
48317The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
48318 -- Pliny the Elder
48319%
48320The only constant is change.
48321%
48322The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
48323right turn on a red light.
48324 -- Woody Allen
48325%
48326The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
48327that the car salesman knows he's lying.
48328%
48329The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
48330%
48331The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
48332every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
48333 -- Oscar Wilde
48334%
48335The only difference in the game of love over the last few
48336thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
48337 -- The Indianapolis Star
48338%
48339The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
48340respectable.
48341 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
48342%
48343The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
48344The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
48345experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
48346thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
48347could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
48348swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
48349much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
48350oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
48351it and are delighted.
48352 -- Nietzsche
48353%
48354The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
48355 -- Dorothy Parker
48356%
48357The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
48358that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
48359beyond this they have not legitimacy.
48360 -- Einstein
48361%
48362The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
48363is your husband.
48364%
48365The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
48366mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
48367the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
48368like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
48369 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
48370%
48371The only people who make love all the time are liars.
48372 -- Louis Jordan
48373%
48374The only perfect science is hind-sight.
48375%
48376The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
48377%
48378The only possible interpretation of any research
48379whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
48380 -- Ernest Rutherford
48381%
48382The only problem with being a man of leisure
48383is that you can never stop and take a rest.
48384%
48385The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
48386 -- Phaedrus
48387%
48388The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
48389be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
48390be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
48391you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
48392 -- Bill Veeck
48393%
48394The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
48395plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
48396other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
48397 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
48398%
48399The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
48400%
48401The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
48402for getting acquainted.
48403 -- Heywood Broun
48404%
48405"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
48406 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
48407 Over and Over"
48408%
48409The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
48410%
48411The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
48412has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
48413finished, and put inside boxes.
48414 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
48415%
48416The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
48417of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
48418 -- Colette
48419%
48420The only reward of virtue is virtue.
48421 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
48422%
48423The only rose without thorns is friendship.
48424%
48425The only thing better than love is milk.
48426%
48427The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
48428%
48429The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
48430us nothing.
48431 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
48432%
48433The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
48434the first one was useless.
48435 -- Nicolas Chamfort
48436%
48437The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
48438It is never any use to oneself.
48439 -- Oscar Wilde
48440%
48441The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
48442 -- Earl Warren
48443
48444That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
48445the lessons that history has to teach.
48446 -- Aldous Huxley
48447
48448We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
48449 -- Georg Hegel
48450
48451HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
48452nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
48453this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
48454 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
48455%
48456"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
48457history."
48458 -- Hegel
48459
48460"I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
48461long view."
48462 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
48463%
48464The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
48465he has lost over the years.
48466 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
48467%
48468The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
48469 -- C. Schultz
48470%
48471The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
48472and guilt.
48473 -- Elvis Costello
48474%
48475The only way to amuse some people
48476is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
48477%
48478The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
48479 -- Oscar Wilde
48480%
|
48482drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
48483 -- Mark Twain
48484%
48485The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
48486 -- David Gerrold
48487%
48488The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
48489in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
48490 -- Jean de la Bruyere
48491%
48492The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
48493until 5 or 6 PM.
48494%
48495The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
48496of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
48497 -- Niels Bohr
48498%
48499The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
48500 -- Bohr
48501%
48502The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
48503waiting.
48504 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
48505%
48506The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
48507and the pessimist knows it.
48508 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
48509
48510Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
48511almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
48512possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
48513 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
48514%
48515The optimum committee has no members.
48516 -- Norman Augustine
48517%
48518The opulence of the front office door varies
48519inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
48520%
48521The orders come down and they march us away.
48522There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
48523God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
48524But it's better than working for Xerox.
48525 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
48526%
48527"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
48528went back in time."
48529 -- Steven Wright
48530%
48531The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
48532 -- Steven Wright
48533%
48534The other line moves faster.
48535%
48536The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
48537a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
48538with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
48539English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
48540pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
48541head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
48542table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
48543dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
48544went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
48545evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
48546a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
48547never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
48548%
48549The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
48550%
48551The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
48552 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
48553%
48554The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
48555she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
48556 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
48557 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
48558%
48559The past always looks better than it was.
48560It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
48561 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
48562%
48563The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
48564were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
48565 -- H. L. Mencken
48566%
48567The people sensible enough to give
48568good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
48569%
48570The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
48571not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
48572waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
48573In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
48574person you have always wanted to be.
48575 -- Nancy Friday
48576%
48577The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
48578 -- Charles Pierce
48579%
48580The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
48581but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
48582quality of joy.
48583 -- Erica Jong
48584%
48585The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
48586%
48587The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
48588%
48589The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
48590%
48591The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
48592%
48593The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
48594market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
48595is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
48596 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
48597%
48598The philosopher's treatment of a question
48599is like the treatment of an illness.
48600 -- Wittgenstein.
48601%
48602The Phone Booth Rule:
48603 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
48604%
48605The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
48606Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
48607Let others think his heart is big,
48608I think it stupid of the Pig.
48609 -- Ogden Nash
48610%
48611The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
48612and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
48613connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
48614fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
48615blound by the sun and he dropped it.
48616 -- Dizzy Dean
48617%
48618The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
48619 -- David Lardner
48620%
48621The plural of spouse is spice.
48622%
48623The Poems, all three hundred of them,
48624may be summed up in one of their phrases:
48625"Let our thoughts be correct".
48626 -- Confucius
48627%
48628The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
48629 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
48630Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
48631verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
48632 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
48633work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
48634lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
48635 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
48636rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
48637the higher emotions.
48638 She would me "Honey" call,
48639 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
48640 But now alas! She's left me
48641 Falero, lero, loo.
48642 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
48643was her prudent choice of footwear.
48644 The fives did fit her shoe.
48645 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
48646the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
48647Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
48648begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
48649"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
48650worst poet in England."
48651 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48652%
48653The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war,
48654and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
48655 -- Celine
48656%
48657The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
48658trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
48659save your sanity for later.
48660%
48661The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
48662addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
48663important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
48664expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
48665we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
48666true distaste.
48667 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
48668 Correct Behavior"
48669%
48670The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
48671To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
48672 -- Buckminster Fuller
48673%
48674The pollution's at that awkward stage.
48675Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
48676 -- Doug Sneyd
48677%
48678"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
48679often."
48680%
48681The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
48682 -- Anthony Burgess
48683%
48684The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
48685prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
48686or to the people.
48687 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
48688%
48689The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
48690 Were each of them once a kiddie.
48691A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
48692 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
48693 -- Ogden Nash
48694%
48695The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
48696brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
48697Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
48698 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
48699%
48700The prettiest women are almost always the most
48701boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
48702 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
48703%
48704The price of greatness is responsibility.
48705%
48706The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
48707they might force their beliefs on us.
48708 -- Mario Cuomo
48709%
48710The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
48711 -- C. Glymour.
48712%
48713The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
48714knowledge of its ugly side.
48715 -- James Baldwin
48716%
48717The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
48718warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
48719changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
48720marker.
48721 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
48722%
48723The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
48724difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
48725%
48726The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
48727instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
48728variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
48729of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
48730program, should the value of pi change.
48731 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
48732%
48733The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
48734voters to win the next election.
48735%
48736The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
48737represents the secondary theme:
48738
48739 Law Enforcement Officials
48740
48741The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
48742
48743 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
48744 -- M. Gallaher
48745%
48746The probability of someone watching you is directly
48747proportional to the stupidity of your action.
48748%
48749The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
48750Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
48751using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
48752Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
48753etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
48754bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
48755of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
48756developed cancer.
48757 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
48758%
48759The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
48760a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
48761 -- Mike Smith
48762%
48763The problem with any unwritten law is that
48764you don't know where to go to erase it.
48765 -- Glaser and Way
48766%
48767The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
48768to sleep every few days.
48769%
48770The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
48771time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
48772government because they could not keep up.
48773 -- Idi Amin Dada
48774%
48775The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
48776for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
48777requires intent.
48778%
48779The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
48780be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
48781 -- Elizabeth Taylor
48782%
48783The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
48784%
48785The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
48786for incompetence.
48787%
48788The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
48789particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
48790with sloppy English.
48791 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
48792%
48793The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
48794stable business.
48795 -- John Steinbeck
48796%
48797The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
48798%
48799The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
48800 -- Miguel de Cervantes
48801%
48802The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
48803and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
48804horse.
48805 -- Jac Goudsmit
48806%
48807The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
48808thoughts about their neighbours.
48809 -- F. H. Bradley
48810%
48811The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
48812outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
48813since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
48814victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
48815running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
48816 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
48817%
48818The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
48819raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
48820certainties.
48821 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
48822%
48823The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
48824 -- Mark Twain
48825%
48826The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
48827because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
48828 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
48829%
48830The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
48831not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
48832engineers.
48833%
48834"The pyramid is opening!"
48835"Which one?"
48836"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
48837 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
48838 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
48839%
48840The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
48841 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
48842%
48843The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
48844%
48845The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
48846join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
48847attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
48848sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
48849whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
48850contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
48851remain each in their own position.
48852 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
48853 Queen Victoria
48854%
48855The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
48856it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
48857that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
48858industrial waste?
48859 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
48860%
48861The questions remain the same.
48862The answers are eternally variable.
48863%
48864The Rabbits The Cow
48865Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
48866That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
48867 -- Ogden Nash
48868%
48869The race is not always to the swift, nor the
48870battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
48871 -- Damon Runyon
48872%
48873The rain it raineth on the just
48874And also on the unjust fella:
48875But chiefly on the just, because
48876The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
48877 -- Lord Bowen
48878%
48879The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
48880%
48881The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
48882measurement of the speed of blight.
48883%
48884The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
48885illiterates can read.
48886 -- Alberto Moravia
48887%
48888The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
48889cursed.
48890%
48891The real man's Bloody Mary:
48892 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire
48893 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
48894
48895 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
48896 Throw all the other ingredients away.
48897%
48898The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
48899%
48900The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
48901 -- Christopher Morley
48902%
48903The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
48904a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
48905%
48906The real reason psychology is hard is that
48907psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
48908%
48909The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
48910%
48911The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
48912%
48913The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
48914which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
48915Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
48916Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
48917 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
48918%
48919The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
48920 -- Don Rose
48921%
48922The reason that every major university maintains a department of
48923mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
48924people.
48925%
48926The reason they're called wisdom teeth
48927is that the experience makes you wise.
48928%
48929The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
48930absolutely not.
48931 -- Bill Gates
48932%
48933The reason why worry kills more people
48934than work is that more people worry than work.
48935%
48936The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
48937persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
48938progress depends on the unreasonable man.
48939 -- George Bernard Shaw
48940%
48941The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
48942financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
48943a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
48944industry, Honduras because the coffeee price went sour, Zaire because
48945nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
48946 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
48947%
48948The relative importance of files depends on their cost
48949in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
48950 -- T. A. Dolotta
48951%
48952The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
48953of a Dodge Dart.
48954 -- Lisa Alther
48955%
48956The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
48957Called a hen a most elegant creature.
48958 The hen, pleased with that,
48959 Laid an egg in his hat --
48960And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
48961 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
48962%
48963The reverse side also has a reverse side.
48964 -- Japanese proverb
48965%
48966The revolution will not be televised.
48967%
48968The reward for working hard is more hard work.
48969%
48970The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
48971 -- Emerson
48972%
48973The rhino is a homely beast,
48974For human eyes he's not a feast.
48975Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
48976I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
48977 -- Ogden Nash
48978%
48979The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
48980The haves get more, the have-nots die.
48981%
48982The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
48983This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
48984%
48985"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
48986and to his imagination for his facts."
48987 -- Sheridan
48988%
48989The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
48990taken seriously.
48991 -- Hubert Humphrey
48992%
48993The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
48994 -- Justice Douglas
48995%
48996The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
48997 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
48998%
48999The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
49000for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
49001infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
49002upon the successful management of which so much remains.
49003 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
49004%
49005The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
49006House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
49007you have and what rights you have not got.
49008 -- J. Parnell Thomas
49009%
49010The ripest fruit falls first.
49011 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
49012%
49013The road to Hades is easy to travel.
49014 -- Bion
49015%
49016The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
49017sloppy analysis!
49018%
49019The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
49020 -- J. Gooding
49021%
49022The road to ruin is always in good repair,
49023and the travellers pay the expense of it.
49024 -- Josh Billings
49025%
49026The Roman Rule
49027 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
49028 one who is doing it.
49029%
49030The root of all superstition is that men
49031observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
49032 -- Francis Bacon
49033%
49034The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
49035%
49036The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
49037his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
49038one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
49039take it too seriously.
49040 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
49041%
49042The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
49043 -- Lewis Carroll
49044%
49045The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
49046give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
49047 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
49048%
49049The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
49050can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
49051it through power, violence or weapons.
49052 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
49053%
49054The rules:
49055
490561: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
490572: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
49058 the console keyboard.
490593: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
49060 card decks together.
490614: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
49062 especially if you're already married.
490635: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
49064 a stool to reach another disk pack.
490656: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
49066 shift.
490677: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
49068 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
490698: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
490709: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
4907110: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
49072%
49073The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
49074That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
49075 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
49076%
49077The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
49078award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
49079gesture by the individual to himself.
49080 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
49081%
49082The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
49083%
49084The savior becomes the victim.
49085%
49086The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
49087
49088Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
49089 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
49090
49091Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
49092%
49093"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
49094%
49095The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
49096showed that all had these things in common:
49097
49098 1) They all had moderate appetites.
49099 2) They all came from middle class homes.
49100 3) All but two of them were dead.
49101%
49102The scum also rises.
49103 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
49104%
49105The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your
49106password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers.
49107 -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc
49108%
49109The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
49110a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
49111of civilization.
49112 -- T. K.
49113%
49114The second best policy is dishonesty.
49115%
49116The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
49117 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
49118 -- Jim Warner
49119%
49120The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
49121%
49122The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
49123%
49124The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
49125you've got it made.
49126 -- Jean Giraudoux
49127%
49128The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
49129there is no humor in Heaven.
49130 -- Mark Twain
49131%
49132The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
49133beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
49134 -- Harry Skelton
49135%
49136The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
49137respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones
49138from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
49139milestones are lifted.
49140 -- George Bernard Shaw
49141%
49142The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
49143reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
49144Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
49145of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
49146him are dead, he is alive.
49147 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
49148everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
49149host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
49150equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
49151 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
49152 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
49153 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
49154%
49155The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
49156and sixth years.
49157%
49158The sheep died in the wool.
49159%
49160The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
49161%
49162The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
49163 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
49164%
49165The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
49166%
49167The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
49168 -- Noelie Alito
49169%
49170The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
49171 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
49172%
49173The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
49174voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
49175 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
49176%
49177The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
49178 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
49179in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
49180way.)
49181 -- Dan Roddick
49182%
49183The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
49184 -- [just say that five times...]
49185%
49186The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
49187 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
49188%
49189The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
49190 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
49191%
49192The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
49193And surly Winter grimly flies.
49194Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
49195And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
49196Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
49197The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
49198All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
49199And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
49200
49201The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
49202The yellow Autumn presses near;
49203Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
49204Till smiling Spring again appear.
49205Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
49206Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
49207But never ranging, still unchanging,
49208I adore my bonnie Bell.
49209 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
49210%
49211The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
49212"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
49213while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
49214one can see only a very few things at once.
49215 -- Fred Brooks
49216%
49217The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
49218rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
49219 -- Max Lerner
49220%
49221The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
49222tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
49223have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
49224its theories will hold water.
49225%
49226The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
49227He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
49228The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
49229And slowly she let him inside.
49230
49231He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
49232But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
49233And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
49234And now will you tell me why?"
49235 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
49236%
49237The solution of problems is the most characteristic
49238and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
49239 -- William James
49240%
49241The solution of this problem is trivial
49242and is left as an exercise for the reader.
49243%
49244The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
49245 -- Peer
49246%
49247The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
49248his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
49249sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
49250active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and
49251exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the
49252dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
49253 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
49254vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
49255was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
49256horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
49257 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
49258The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
49259the table as the children gathered around him.
49260 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
49261 There was total silence.
49262 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
49263 Total silence.
49264 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
49265sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
49266%
49267The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
49268 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
49269%
49270"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
49271%
49272The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
49273able to correct them.
49274 -- Nicolaides
49275%
49276The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
49277%
49278The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
49279In town a noun might wear a gown,
49280or further down, might dress a clown.
49281A noun that's sound would never clown,
49282but unsound nouns jump up and down.
49283The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,
49284and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
49285But please don't let that get you down,
49286the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
49287 -- A. Nonnie Mouse
49288%
49289The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
49290readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
49291some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
49292reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
49293the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
49294known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
49295Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
49296of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
49297psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
49298Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
49299these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
49300further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
49301something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
49302the Russians.
49303 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
49304%
49305The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
49306themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
49307against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
49308Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
49309 -- Dennis Miller
49310%
49311The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
49312%
49313The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
49314philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
49315is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
49316reality.
49317 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
49318%
49319The star of riches is shining upon you.
49320%
49321The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
49322written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
49323follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
49324of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
49325the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
49326in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
49327died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
49328back by years.
49329 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
49330%
49331The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
49332%
49333The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
49334 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
49335%
49336The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its
49337thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools.
49338
49339 -- Thucydides
49340%
49341The steady state of disks is full.
49342 -- Ken Thompson
49343%
49344The story of the butterfly:
49345 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
49346a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
49347out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
49348the third day, I heard a knock."
49349 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
49350there was nothing."
49351 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
49352 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
49353%
49354The story you are about to hear is true.
49355Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
49356%
49357The street preacher looked so baffled
49358When I asked him why he dressed
49359With forty pounds of headlines
49360Stapled to his chest.
49361But he cursed me when I proved to him
49362I said, "Not even you can hide.
49363You see, you're just like me.
49364I hope you're satisfied."
49365 -- Bob Dylan
49366%
49367The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
49368them unsafe.
49369 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
49370%
49371The streets were dark with something more than night.
49372 -- Raymond Chandler
49373%
49374The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
49375%
49376The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
49377can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
49378existance recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
49379that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
49380that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
49381He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live
49382by the values he wills.
49383 -- Nietzsche
49384%
49385"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
49386is an emerging underachiever."
49387%
49388The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
49389biology.
49390%
49391"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't
49392even any property taxes."
49393 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
49394%
49395The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
49396yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
49397 -- The Silver Surfer
49398%
49399The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
49400The population is, of course, growing.
49401%
49402The sum of the Universe is zero.
49403%
49404The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
49405 -- RKO
49406%
49407The sun was shining on the sea,
49408Shining with all his might:
49409He did his very best to make
49410The billows smooth and bright --
49411And this was very odd, because it was
49412The middle of the night.
49413 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
49414%
49415The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
49416 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
49417%
49418The superfluous is very necessary.
49419 -- Voltaire
49420%
49421The superior man understands what is right;
49422the inferior man understands what will sell.
49423 -- Confucius
49424%
49425The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
49426way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
49427whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
49428side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own experience belies.
49429Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
49430speak of the room.
49431 -- Henry Kissinger
49432%
49433The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
49434%
49435The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
49436 -- Mark Twain
49437%
49438The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
49439%
49440The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
49441esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
49442 -- Nietzsche
49443%
49444The surest way to remain a winner is to
49445win once, and then not play any more.
49446%
49447The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
49448Scratch a lover and find a foe!
49449 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
49450%
49451The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
49452%
49453The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
49454%
49455The Tao doesn't take sides;
49456it gives birth to both wins and losses.
49457The Guru doesn't take sides;
49458she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
49459
49460The Tao is like a stack:
49461the data changes but not the structure.
49462the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
49463the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
49464
49465Hold on to the root.
49466%
49467The Tao is like a glob pattern:
49468used but never used up.
49469It is like the extern void:
49470filled with infinite possibilities.
49471
49472It is masked but always present.
49473I don't know who built to it.
49474It came before the first kernel.
49475%
49476The tao that can be tar(1)ed
49477is not the entire Tao.
49478The path that can be specified
49479is not the Full Path.
49480
49481We declare the names
49482of all variables and functions.
49483Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
49484
49485Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
49486Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
49487
49488Yet magic and hierarchy
49489arise from the same source,
49490and this source has a null pointer.
49491
49492Reference the NULL within NULL,
49493it is the gateway to all wizardry.
49494%
49495The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
49496artist never that he is a technician.
49497 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
49498%
49499The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
49500them a drink.
49501 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
49502%
49503The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
49504data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
49505shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
49506as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
49507radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
49508as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
49509receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
49510Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
49511of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
49512the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
49513i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
49514the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
49515temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
49516temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
49517temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
49518Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
49519part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
49520brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
49521or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
49522then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
49523 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
49524%
49525The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
49526culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
49527%
49528The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
49529 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
49530 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
49531 most untechnician-like manner.
49532
49533 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
49534 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
49535 her in other ways.
49536%
49537The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
49538of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
49539as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
49540employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
49541temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
49542 -- Kenny's Korner
49543%
49544The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
49545ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
49546 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
49547%
49548The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
49549 -- Aldo Leopold
49550%
49551The thing that takes up the least amount of time
49552and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
49553%
49554The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
49555%
49556The Third Law of Photography:
49557 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
49558 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
49559 the dark leaks out.
49560%
49561The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I
49562want the job.
49563 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
49564
49565Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
49566would have lost.
49567 -- Mort Sahl
49568
49569Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
49570 -- Gore Vidal
49571
49572Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
49573I need a lot of sleep.
49574 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
49575
49576You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
49577accurately it's called mudslinging.
49578 -- Walter Mondale
49579%
49580The Thought Police are here. They've come
49581To put you under cardiac arrest.
49582And as they drag you through the door
49583They tell you that you've failed the test.
49584 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
49585%
49586The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
49587%
49588The three biggest software lies:
49589
49590 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
49591 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
49592 will fix the microcode.
49593 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
49594%
49595The three laws of thermodynamics:
49596 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
49597 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
49598 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
49599%
49600THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
49601
496021) Where's the bathroom?
496032) What time does the parade start?
496043) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
49605%
49606The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
496072. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
49608 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
49609%
49610The three rules of international air travel:
49611
49612(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
49613 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
49614(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
49615 know *exactly* what you're doing.
49616(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
49617%
49618The thrill is here, but it won't last long
49619You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
49620%
49621The time for action is past!
49622Now is the time for senseless bickering.
49623%
49624The time is right to make new friends.
49625%
49626The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
49627committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
49628 -- C. N. Parkinson
49629%
49630The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
49631The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
49632Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
49633mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
49634men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
49635The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
49636the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
49637Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
49638them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
49639it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
49640choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
49641brought."
49642 -- Alistair Cooke
49643%
49644The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
49645 -- Hosea Ballou
49646%
49647The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
49648%
49649The tree of research must from time to time
49650be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
49651 -- Alan Kay
49652%
49653The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
49654but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
49655 -- Little Big Man
49656%
49657The trouble with a kitten is that
49658When it grows up, it's always a cat
49659 -- Ogden Nash.
49660%
49661The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
49662%
49663The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
49664%
49665The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
49666it.
49667 -- Franklin P. Jones
49668%
49669The trouble with being punctual is that people
49670think you have nothing more important to do.
49671%
49672The trouble with computers is that they do
49673what you tell them, not what you want.
49674 -- D. Cohen
49675%
49676The trouble with doing something right the first
49677time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
49678%
49679The trouble with eating Italian food is that
49680five or six days later you're hungry again.
49681 -- George Miller
49682%
49683The trouble with heart disease is that the first
49684symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
49685 -- Michael Phelps
49686%
49687The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
49688 -- George S. Kaufman
49689%
49690The trouble with money is it costs too much!
49691%
49692The trouble with opportunity is that it
49693always comes disguised as hard work.
49694 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
49695%
49696The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
49697and then marry him.
49698 -- Cher
49699%
49700The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
49701 -- Ken Kesey
49702%
49703The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
49704the other fellow of a dull one.
49705 -- Sid Caesar
49706%
49707The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
49708 -- Lily Tomlin
49709%
49710The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
49711who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
49712all of the people all of the time.
49713 -- Franklin Adams
49714%
49715The trouble with you
49716Is the trouble with me.
49717Got two good eyes
49718But we still don't see.
49719 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
49720%
49721The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
49722height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
49723people stumble than to be walked upon.
49724 -- Franz Kafka
49725%
49726The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
49727 -- Andre Malraux
49728%
49729The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
49730 -- Oscar Wilde
49731%
49732The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
49733 -- Lenny Bruce
49734%
49735The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
49736And vice versa.
49737%
49738The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
49739 -- Stanley Kubrick
49740%
49741The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
49742 -- Caltech
49743%
49744The truth you speak has no past and no future.
49745It is, and that's all it needs to be.
49746%
49747The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
49748Which practically conceal its sex.
49749I think it clever of the turtle
49750In such a fix to be so fertile.
49751 -- Ogden Nash
49752%
49753The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
49754 -- Dorothy Parker
49755%
49756The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
49757 -- Harlan Ellison
49758%
49759The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
49760 -- George Bernard Shaw
49761%
49762The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
49763two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
49764by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
49765 -- I. F. Stone
49766%
49767The two things that can get you into trouble
49768quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
49769%
49770The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
49771annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
49772 -- Oscar Wilde
49773%
49774The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
49775And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
49776There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
49777So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
49778Eh?
49779So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
49780And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
49781They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
49782Eh?
49783 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
49784Beauty!
49785%
49786The ultimate game show will be the one
49787where somebody gets killed at the end.
49788 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
49789%
49790The unfacts, did we have them, are too
49791imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
49792%
49793The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
49794"100 percent American"...
49795 -- U.S. Army (1945)
49796%
49797The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
49798%
49799The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
49800broken.
49801%
49802The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
49803%
49804The universe is an island,
49805surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
49806%
49807The universe is laughing behind your back.
49808%
49809The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
49810combination is locked up in the safe.
49811 -- Peter DeVries
49812
49813Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
49814same safe.
49815%
49816The Universe is populated by stable things.
49817 -- Richard Dawkins
49818%
49819The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
49820It cannot be ruled by interfering.
49821 -- Chinese proverb
49822%
49823The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
49824 -- Sagan
49825%
49826The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
49827Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
49828said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
49829his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
49830%
49831The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
49832and deviation standard.
49833%
49834The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
49835hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
49836%
49837The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
49838that I assume it must be evil.
49839 -- Heywood Broun
49840%
49841The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
49842religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
49843from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
49844yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
49845world put together.
49846 -- Sir Peter Medawar
49847%
49848The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
49849is a symptom of professional immaturity.
49850 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
49851%
49852The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
49853regarded as a criminal offence.
49854 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
49855%
49856The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
49857 -- Ben Franklin
49858%
49859The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
49860%
49861The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
49862the worst cigars.
49863 -- H. L. Mencken
49864%
49865The very first essential for success is a perpetually
49866constant and regular employment of violence.
49867 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
49868%
49869The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
49870prejudice.
49871 -- Mark Twain
49872%
49873The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
49874Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
49875to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
49876be one of the facts that needs altering.
49877 -- Dr. Who, "Face of Evil"
49878%
49879The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
49880 -- Miguel de Cervantes
49881%
49882The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
49883 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
49884surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
49885gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
49886expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
49887bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
49888The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
49889the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
49890 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49891%
49892The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
49893to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
49894 -- John Wayne
49895%
49896The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
49897 -- Jerry Brown
49898%
49899The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
49900restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
49901dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
49902sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
49903then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
49904A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
49905to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
49906%
49907"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
49908%
49909"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
49910it's just a tired feeling:"
49911%
49912The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
49913%
49914The wages of sin are unreported.
49915%
49916The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
49917Constitution.
49918%
49919The warning message we sent the Russians was a
49920calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
49921 -- Alexander Haig
49922%
49923The water was not fit to drink.
49924To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
49925By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
49926 -- Winston Churchill
49927%
49928The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
49929incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
49930 -- Emo Philips
49931%
49932The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
49933 -- Nathaniel Howe
49934%
49935The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
49936%
49937The way to a man's heart is through his
49938wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
49939 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
49940%
49941The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
49942%
49943The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
49944%
49945The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
49946%
49947The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
49948%
49949The way to make a small fortune in the
49950commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
49951%
49952The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
49953%
49954The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
49955My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
49956My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
49957Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
49958I feel together today!
49959 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
49960%
49961The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
49962%
49963The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
49964but the leaves are good to smoke!
49965 -- The Shadow
49966%
49967The white race is the cancer of history.
49968 -- Susan Sontag
49969%
49970The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
49971 -- Wavy Gravy
49972%
49973The whole of life is futile unless you
49974consider it as a sporting proposition.
49975%
49976The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
49977so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
49978 -- Bertrand Russell
49979%
49980The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
49981 -- Peter Beard
49982%
49983The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
49984 -- George Gobel
49985%
49986The whole world is about three drinks behind.
49987 -- Humphrey Bogart
49988%
49989The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
49990 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
49991It must have blown through someone's feet,
49992 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
49993 -- P. Opus
49994%
49995The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
49996not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
49997should.
49998 -- W.C. Fields
49999%
50000The wise man seeks everything in himself;
50001the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
50002%
50003The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
50004%
50005The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
50006medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
50007she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
50008live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
50009throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
50010 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
50011to get up in the morning!"
50012%
50013The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
50014is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
50015%
50016The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
50017we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
50018and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
50019of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
50020We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
50021ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
50022 -- Paul Licker
50023%
50024The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
50025designed for people who walk on their hands.
50026 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
50027%
50028The world is a comedy to those who think,
50029and a tragedy to those who feel.
50030 -- Horace Walpole
50031%
50032The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
50033%
50034The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
50035%
50036The world is coming to an end!
50037Repent and return those library books!
50038%
50039The world is full of people who have never, since
50040childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
50041 -- E. B. White
50042%
50043The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
50044it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
50045 -- E. Hubbard
50046%
50047The world is not octal despite DEC.
50048%
50049The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
50050It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
50051You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
50052 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
50053%
50054The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
50055%
50056The world really isn't any worse.
50057It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
50058%
50059The world wants to be deceived.
50060 -- Sebastian Brant
50061%
50062The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
50063%
50064The world's as ugly as sin,
50065And almost as delightful
50066 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
50067%
50068The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
50069nor its great scholars great men.
50070 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
50071%
50072The Worst American Poet
50073 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
50074Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
50075 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
50076of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
50077pen.
50078 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
50079formula was the same:
50080 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
50081 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
50082 Of their death I will relate,
50083 And also others lost their life
50084 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
50085 Where so many people died.
50086 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
50087the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
50088river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
50089a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
50090 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
50091suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
50092forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
50093beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
50094 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50095%
50096THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
50097
50098In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
50099Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
50100had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
50101sheepishly left the building.
50102A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
50103robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
501045,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
50105was a practical joke.
50106Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
50107clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
50108trapped in the revolving doors again.
50109%
50110The Worst Car Hire Service
50111 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
50112as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
50113shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
50114 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
50115conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
50116 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
50117he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
50118round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
50119 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
50120admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
50121overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
50122we might overlook that too."
50123 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
50124into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
50125ash tray."
50126 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50127%
50128The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
50129 -- George Bernard Shaw
50130%
50131THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
50132
50133This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
50134expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
50135in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
50136 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50137%
50138The worst is enemy of the bad.
50139%
50140The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
50141 -- King Lear
50142%
50143The Worst Jury
50144 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
50145one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
50146remotest clue what was happening.
50147 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
50148evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
50149 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
50150juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
50151speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
50152was hearing a murder trial.
50153 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
50154from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
50155and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
50156 The judge ordered a retrial.
50157 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50158%
50159The Worst Lines of Verse
50160For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
50161 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
50162Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
50163these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
50164laughter the instant they were read out.
50165 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
50166inspired by the subject of war.
50167 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
50168 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
50169 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
50170 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
50171By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
50172 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
50173While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
50174 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
50175 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
50176George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
50177 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
50178 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
50179William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
50180 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
50181 While in this world, are liable to leak."
50182And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
50183describing a pond:
50184 "I've measured it from side to side;
50185 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
50186 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50187%
50188The Worst Musical Trio
50189 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
50190a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
50191instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
50192gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
50193violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
50194unhampered by great musical talent.
50195 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
50196concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
50197A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
50198Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
50199in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
50200 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
50201"and it will be a sell out."
50202 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
50203audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
50204asked for someone to turn his pages.
50205 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
50206volunteered and made his way to the stage.
50207 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
50208music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
50209Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
50210the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
50211But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
50212 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50213%
50214The worst part of having success is trying
50215to find someone who is happy for you.
50216 -- Bette Midler
50217%
50218The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
50219%
50220The Worst Prison Guards
50221 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
50222maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
50223near Lisbon in Portugal.
50224 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
50225warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
50226included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
50227of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
50228planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
50229not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
50230"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
50231water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
50232The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
50233prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
50234because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
50235the next morning.
50236 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
50237one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
50238eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
50239population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
50240Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
50241"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
50242 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50243%
50244The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
50245but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
50246 -- George Bernard Shaw
50247%
50248The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
50249are sober.
50250 -- William Butler Yeats
50251%
50252The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
50253wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
50254if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
50255 -- David Viscott
50256%
50257The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
50258They were just the first not to crash.
50259%
50260The yankees, son, are up north.
50261The damnyankees are down here.
50262%
50263The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
50264four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
50265the answers.
50266%
50267The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
50268 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
50269 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
50270%
50271The young lady had an unusual list,
50272Linked in part to a structural weakness.
50273She set no preconditions.
50274%
50275The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
50276to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
50277found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
50278He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
50279rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
50280golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
50281"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
50282 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
50283they only charge $1 a ball!"
50284 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
50285rooms."
50286%
50287THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
50288%
50289Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
50290and you'd better not refuse.
50291%
50292Them as has, gets.
50293%
50294Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
50295
50296He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
50297then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
50298market.
50299
50300If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
50301not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
50302
50303Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
50304Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
50305Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
50306 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
50307%
50308Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
50309incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
50310acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
50311 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
50312%
50313Then here's to the City of Boston,
50314The town of the cries and the groans.
50315Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
50316And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
50317 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
50318%
50319Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
50320I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
50321right.
50322 -- P. J. O'Rourke
50323%
50324Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
50325%
50326Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
50327Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
50328when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
50329to the "W" on the dial.
50330
50331Moral:
50332 He who has a Tates is lost!
50333%
50334"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
50335"NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
50336"I'll put `maybe.'"
50337 -- Bloom County
50338%
50339Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
50340it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
50341 -- Elbert Hubbard
50342%
50343Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
50344Proof:
50345 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
50346 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
50347%
50348Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
50349Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
50350 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
50351 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
50352
50353Proceed by induction:
50354 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
50355 So A = B.
50356
50357Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
50358 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
50359 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
50360%
50361Theorem: All programs are dull.
50362
50363Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
50364nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
50365sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
50366the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
50367the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
50368 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
50369%
50370THEORY:
50371 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
50372 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
50373 it will look in print.
50374%
50375Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
50376 -- Goethe
50377%
50378Theory of Selective Supervision:
50379 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
50380 the one time the boss walks through the office.
50381%
50382There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
50383armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
50384shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
50385realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
50386body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
50387sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
50388He speaks with a commanding voice:
50389
50390 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
50391
50392As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
50393%
50394There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
50395the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
50396 -- Harvey Wheeler
50397%
50398There are a few things that never go out of style,
50399and a feminine woman is one of them.
50400 -- Ralston
50401%
50402There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
50403 -- Winston Churchill
50404%
50405There are bad times just around the corner,
50406There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
50407And it's no good whining
50408About a silver lining
50409For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
50410 -- Noel Coward
50411%
50412There are few people more often in the wrong
50413than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
50414%
50415There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
50416and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
50417 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
50418%
50419There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
50420and praiseworthy ...
50421 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
50422%
50423There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
50424the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
50425cannot know a woman, the divorce.
50426 -- Norman Mailer
50427%
50428There are many intelligent species in
50429the universe, and they all own cats.
50430%
50431There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
50432about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
50433about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
50434get it in the winter.
50435 -- Bat Masterson
50436%
50437There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
50438friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
50439avoiding a great deal of pain.
50440%
50441There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
50442 -- Eugene Ionesco
50443%
50444There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
50445%
50446There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
50447%
50448There are more things in heaven and earth,
50449Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
50450 -- Hamlet
50451%
50452There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
50453%
50454There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
50455%
50456There are new messages.
50457%
50458There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
50459 -- Baba Ram Dass
50460%
50461There are no answers, only cross-references.
50462 -- Weiner
50463%
50464There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
50465are chosen correctly.
50466%
50467There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
50468%
50469There are no games on this system.
50470%
50471There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
50472 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
50473%
50474There are no great men, only great challenges that
50475ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
50476 -- Admiral William Halsey
50477%
50478There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
50479 -- The Duke of Wellington
50480%
50481There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
50482of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
50483competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
50484some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
50485 -- Richard Davisson
50486%
50487There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
50488of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
50489%
50490There are no winners in life, only survivors.
50491%
50492There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
50493 -- Helen Rowland
50494%
50495There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
50496%
50497There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
50498taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
50499 -- shades
50500%
50501There are people so addicted to exaggeration
50502that they can't tell the truth without lying.
50503 -- Josh Billings
50504%
50505There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
50506in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
50507people who find nothing odd about it.
50508 -- Calvin Trillin
50509%
50510There are places I'll remember
50511All my life though some have changed.
50512Some forever not for better
50513Some have gone and some remain.
50514All these places had their moments
50515With lovers and friends I still recall.
50516Some are dead and some are living,
50517In my life I've loved them all.
50518
50519But of all these friends and lovers,
50520There is no one compared with you,
50521All these memories lose their meaning
50522When I think of love as something new.
50523Though I know I'll never lose affection
50524For people and things that went before,
50525I know I'll often stop and think about them
50526In my life I'll love you more.
50527 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
50528%
50529There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
50530vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
50531 -- Gloria Steinem
50532%
50533There are running jobs.
50534Why don't you go chase them?
50535%
50536There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
50537plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
50538and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
50539don't we all.
50540%
50541There are strange things done in the midnight sun
50542 By the men who moil for gold;
50543The Arctic trails have their secret tales
50544 That would make your blood run cold;
50545The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
50546 But the queerest they ever did see
50547Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
50548 I cremated Sam McGee.
50549 -- Robert W. Service
50550%
50551There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
50552is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
50553 -- David Nichols
50554%
50555"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
50556fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
50557and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
50558wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
50559your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence."
50560 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
50561%
50562There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
50563 -- Benjamin Disraeli
50564%
50565There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
50566%
50567"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
50568from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
50569loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
50570%
50571There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
50572offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
50573a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
50574of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
50575affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
50576When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
50577Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
50578 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
50579%
50580"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
50581engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
50582the more certain."
50583 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
50584%
50585There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
50586the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
50587world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
50588long winter evenings.
50589 -- Quentin Crisp
50590%
50591There are three rules for writing a novel.
50592Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
50593 -- Maugham
50594%
50595There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
50596changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
50597Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
50598science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
50599by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
50600%
50601There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
50602can't remember.
50603 -- Italo Svevo
50604%
50605There are three things I have always loved
50606and never understood -- art, music, and women.
50607%
50608There are three things men can do with women:
50609love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
50610 -- Stephen Stills
50611%
50612There are three ways to get something done:
50613
50614 1: Do it yourself.
50615 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
50616 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
50617%
50618There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
50619one of them.
50620%
50621There are twenty-five people left in the world,
50622and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
50623 -- Ed Sanders
50624%
50625There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
50626together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
50627struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
50628the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
50629room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
50630 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
50631 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
50632you?"
50633 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
50634 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
50635 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
50636I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
50637Man it is smokin'!"
50638 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
50639tell me more!"
50640 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
50641and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
50642I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
50643 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
50644%
50645There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
50646And one says "This is new, and therefore better."
50647 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
50648%
50649There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
50650 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
50651%
50652There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
50653the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
50654sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
50655 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
50656%
50657There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
50658We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
50659 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
50660%
50661There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
50662like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
50663%
50664There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
50665marriage and after marriage.
50666%
50667There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
50668sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
50669 -- Woody Allen
50670%
50671"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
50672make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
50673other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
50674deficiencies."
50675 -- C. A. R. Hoare
50676%
50677There are two ways of disliking art.
50678One is to dislike it.
50679The other is to like it rationally.
50680 -- Oscar Wilde
50681%
50682There are two ways of disliking poetry;
50683one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
50684 -- Oscar Wilde
50685%
50686There are two ways to write error-free
50687programs; only the third one works.
50688%
50689There are very few personal problems that cannot be
50690solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
50691%
50692There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
50693with an insurance salesman?
50694 -- Woody Allen
50695%
50696There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
50697of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
50698rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
50699together we'll face the world.
50700 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
50701%
50702There but for the grace of God, goes God.
50703 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.
50704%
50705There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
50706 -- Ralph Nader
50707%
50708There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
50709 -- R. W. Gerard
50710%
50711There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
50712 -- Henry Kissinger
50713%
50714There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
50715has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
50716 -- W.C. Fields
50717%
50718There comes a time to stop being angry.
50719 -- A Small Circle of Friends
50720%
50721There exist tasks which cannot be done
50722by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
50723 -- Steele's Law
50724%
50725There goes the good time that was had by all.
50726 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
50727%
50728There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
50729For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
50730permissions for everyone, you could say
50731
50732 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
50733
50734 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
50735hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
50736from its uses.
50737 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
50738is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
50739the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
50740being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
50741name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
50742-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
50743recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
50744was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
50745 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
50746%
50747There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
50748 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
50749%
50750There has been an alarming increase in the
50751number of things you know nothing about.
50752%
50753There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
50754%
50755There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
50756is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
50757vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
50758stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
50759
50760Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
50761 elevator with one other person from each floor?
50762A: The elevator would be full.
50763%
50764There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
50765is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
50766you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
50767 -- Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
50768%
50769There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
50770opinion.
50771 -- Anatole France
50772%
50773There is a fly on your nose.
50774%
50775There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
50776and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
50777each other's throat.
50778 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
50779%
50780There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
50781that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
50782%
50783There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
50784%
50785There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
50786his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
50787 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
50788%
50789There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
50790tied during the month of April.
50791%
50792There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
50793 -- Walt Disney
50794%
50795There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
50796wooden toilet seats.
50797
50798It's called the Birch John Society.
50799%
50800There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
50801Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
50802Fatherland.
50803 -- Adolf Hitler
50804%
50805There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
50806what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
50807disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
50808inexplicable.
50809
50810There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
50811 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
50812%
50813There is a time in the tides of men,
50814Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
50815On the other hand, don't count on it.
50816 -- T. K. Lawson
50817%
50818There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
50819is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
50820 -- Helen Rowland
50821%
50822There is always more hell that needs raising.
50823 -- Lauren Leveut
50824%
50825There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
50826somebody out.
50827 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
50828%
50829There is always someone worse off than yourself.
50830%
50831There is always something new out of Africa.
50832 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
50833%
50834There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
50835has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
50836 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
50837%
50838There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
50839"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
50840 -- Mark Twain
50841%
50842There is brutality and there is honesty.
50843There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
50844%
50845There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
50846having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
50847whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
50848gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
50849most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
50850 -- Darwin
50851%
50852There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
50853not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
50854%
50855There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
50856 -- Arthur C. Clarke
50857%
50858There is in certain living souls
50859A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
50860So great it must be shared
50861As company is shared by lesser beings.
50862Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
50863That in immensity
50864There is one lonelier than you.
50865%
50866There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
50867however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
50868Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
50869discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
50870on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
50871even highly probable.
50872 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
50873%
50874There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
50875%
50876There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
50877and we will conquer. Follow me.
50878 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
50879%
50880There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
50881man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
50882 -- G. K. Chesterton
50883%
50884There is more to life than increasing its speed.
50885 -- Mahatma Mohandis K. Gandhi
50886%
50887There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
50888 -- Darth Vader
50889%
50890There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
50891always enough time to do it over.
50892%
50893There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
50894%
50895There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
50896is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
50897 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
50898%
50899There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
50900 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
50901%
50902There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
50903No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
50904 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
50905%
50906"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
50907the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
50908civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
50909We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
50910striving of the human race"
50911 -- Alfred North Whitehead
50912%
50913There is no comfort without pain; thus
50914we define salvation through suffering.
50915 -- Cato
50916%
50917There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
50918 -- George Santayana
50919%
50920There is no delight the equal of dread.
50921As long as it is somebody else's.
50922 --Clive Barker
50923%
50924There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
50925%
50926There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
50927 -- Mark Twain
50928%
50929There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
50930filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
50931as 'unearned income.'
50932 -- Michael Lara
50933%
50934There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
50935education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
50936%
50937There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
50938parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
50939child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
50940picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
50941Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
50942 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
50943%
50944There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
50945%
50946There is no fool to the old fool.
50947 -- John Heywood
50948%
50949There is no future in time travel.
50950%
50951There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
50952%
50953There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
50954armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
50955 -- Ernest Hemingway
50956%
50957There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
50958 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
50959%
50960There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
50961 -- George Francis Gillette
50962%
50963There is no point in waiting.
50964The train stopped running years ago.
50965All the schedules, the brochures,
50966The bright-colored posters full of lies,
50967Promise rides to a distant country
50968That no longer exists.
50969%
50970There is no proverb that is not true.
50971 -- Cervantes
50972%
50973There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
50974tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
50975abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
50976war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
50977of course.
50978 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
50979%
50980There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
50981 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
50982 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
50983%
50984There is no royal road to geometry.
50985 -- Euclid
50986%
50987There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
50988%
50989There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
50990 -- George Bernard Shaw
50991%
50992There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
50993 -- General Douglas MacArthur
50994%
50995There is no sin but ignorance.
50996 -- Christopher Marlowe
50997%
50998There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
50999 -- George Bernard Shaw
51000%
51001There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
51002%
51003There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
51004%
51005There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
51006%
51007There is no such thing as a free lunch.
51008%
51009There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
51010%
51011There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
51012the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
51013 -- Christian Dior
51014%
51015There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
51016%
51017There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
51018Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
51019 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
51020%
51021There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
51022some anxiety always goes with it.
51023%
51024There is no time like the pleasant.
51025%
51026There is no time like the present
51027for postponing what you ought to be doing.
51028%
51029There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
51030There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
51031%
51032There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
51033family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
51034the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
51035live as cheap as the people.
51036 -- The Best of Will Rogers
51037%
51038There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
51039us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
51040 -- Augier
51041%
51042There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
51043 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
51044%
51045There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
51046 -- Churchill
51047%
51048There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
51049 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
51050%
51051There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
51052 -- Marie Antoinette
51053%
51054There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
51055when you do it reluctantly.
51056 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
51057%
51058There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
51059comes to visit.
51060%
51061There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
51062a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
51063 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
51064an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
51065 "I could have answered it if I had been there."
51066 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
51067the middle of the night?'"
51068%
51069There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
51070%
51071There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
51072ocean level wouldn't cure.
51073 -- Ross MacDonald
51074%
51075There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
51076is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
51077%
51078There is one difference between a tax collector and
51079a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
51080 -- Mortimer Caplan
51081%
51082There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
51083"Yes" you know he is crooked.
51084 -- Groucho Marx
51085%
51086There is only one thing in the world worse than being
51087talked about, and that is not being talked about.
51088 -- Oscar Wilde
51089%
51090There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
51091 -- Paul Bourget
51092%
51093There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
51094 -- Robert Heinlein
51095%
51096There is only one way to kill capitalism --
51097by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
51098 -- Karl Marx
51099%
51100There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
51101and that word is blackmail.
51102 -- Colm Brogan
51103%
51104There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
51105it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
51106 -- James Boswell
51107%
51108There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
51109 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
51110%
51111There is something in the pang of change
51112More than the heart can bear,
51113Unhappiness remembering happiness.
51114 -- Euripides
51115%
51116There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
51117%
51118There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
51119%
51120There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
51121constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
51122who do not.
51123 -- Robert Benchley
51124%
51125There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
51126States; of course, I never heard the story before.
51127%
51128There must be more to life than having everything.
51129 -- Maurice Sendak
51130%
51131There never was a good war or a bad peace.
51132 -- Ben Franklin
51133%
51134There once was a girl named Irene
51135Who lived on distilled kerosene
51136 But she started absorbin'
51137 A new hydrocarbon
51138And since then has never benzene.
51139%
51140There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
51141king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
51142in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
51143to the prince:
51144 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
51145half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
51146what would your decision be, my son?"
51147 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
51148her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head."
51149 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
51150%
51151There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
51152king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
51153in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
51154to the prince:
51155 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
51156half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
51157what would your decision be, my son?"
51158 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
51159her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
51160that I had promised."
51161 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
51162%
51163There once was a member of Mensa
51164Who was a most excellent fencer.
51165 The sword that he used
51166 Was his -- (line is refused,
51167And has now been removed by the censor).
51168%
51169There once was an old man from Esser,
51170Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
51171 It at last grew so small,
51172 He knew nothing at all,
51173And now he's a College Professor.
51174%
51175There seems no plan because it is all plan.
51176 -- C.S. Lewis
51177%
51178There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
51179 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
51180%
51181There was a little girl
51182Who had a little curl
51183Right in the middle of her forehead.
51184When she was good, she was very, very good
51185And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
51186 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
51187%
51188There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up
51189with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
51190was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
51191over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
51192to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
51193and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
51194able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
51195around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
51196him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
51197to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
51198hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
51199the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
51200cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
51201her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
51202course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
51203sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
51204to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
51205 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
51206%
51207There was a phone call for you.
51208%
51209There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
51210left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
51211Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
51212they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
51213out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
51214the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
51215with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
51216We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
51217to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
51218%
51219There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
51220no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
51221every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
51222insupportable.
51223 -- Kurt Vonnegut
51224%
51225There was a young lady from Hyde
51226Who ate a green apple and died.
51227 While her lover lamented
51228 The apple fermented
51229And made cider inside her inside.
51230%
51231There was a young man from Brazil,
51232And a lady who'd not take the pill,
51233 They lay on the sofa,
51234 And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~
51235n~po_~{o[po ~poz~pok~po\~{o
512368]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~
51237%
51238There was a young man from LeDoux,
51239Whose limericks stopped at line two.
51240
51241There was a young man from Verdunne.
51242
51243 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
51244 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
51245 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
51246%
51247There was a young man who said "God,
51248I find it exceedingly odd,
51249 That the willow oak tree
51250 Continues to be,
51251When there's no one about in the Quad."
51252
51253"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
51254For I'm always about in the Quad;
51255 And that's why the tree,
51256 Continues to be,"
51257Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
51258%
51259There was a young poet named Dan,
51260Whose poetry never would scan.
51261 When told this was so,
51262 He said, "Yes, I know.
51263It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
51264%
51265"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
51266both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
51267talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
51268during the trial."
51269 -- David Letterman
51270%
51271There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
51272their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
51273of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
51274couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
51275blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
51276on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
51277baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
51278were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
51279of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
51280The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
51281the squaws of the other two hides.
51282%
51283There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
51284in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
51285that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
51286practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
51287to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
51288necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
51289(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
51290 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
51291%
51292There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
51293Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
51294you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
51295should I do?"
51296 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
51297like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
51298you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
51299 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
51300 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
51301in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
51302pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
51303he tells the counterman.
51304 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
51305"You must be from New York."
51306 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
51307you know?"
51308 "Because this is a hardware store."
51309%
51310There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
51311the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
51312digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
513138-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
51314transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
51315stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
51316feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
51317systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
51318first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
51319satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
51320telephone business?
51321%
51322There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
51323the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
51324%
51325There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
51326%
51327There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
51328 -- Lily Tomlin
51329%
51330Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
51331this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
51332 -- Machiavelli
51333%
51334There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
51335ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
51336pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
51337hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
51338least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
51339Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
51340pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
51341 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
51342%
51343There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
51344a fence.
51345%
51346There's a lesson that I need to remember
51347When everything is falling apart
51348In life, just like in loving
51349There's such a thing as trying to hard
51350
51351You've gotta sing
51352Like you don't need the money
51353Love like you'll never get hurt
51354You've gotta dance
51355Like nobody's watching
51356It's gotta come from the heart
51357If you want it to work.
51358 -- Kathy Mattea
51359%
51360There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
51361allows you to install Windows.
51362 -- Matthew D. Fuller
51363%
51364There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
51365%
51366There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
51367and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
51368little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
51369A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
51370there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
51371The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
51372it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
51373said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
51374on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
51375his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
51376spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
51377quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
51378and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
51379%
51380There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
51381The corporation that we represent.
51382We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
51383Of that man of men our sterling president
51384The name of T.J. Watson means
51385A courage none can stem
51386And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
51387 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
51388%
51389There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
51390recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
51391let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
51392or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
51393a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
51394rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
51395living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
51396action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
51397best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
51398We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
51399are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
51400along -- quite gracefully.
51401 -- Ellen Goodman
51402%
51403There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
51404 -- Doug Clifford
51405%
51406There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
51407%
51408There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
51409%
51410There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
51411don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
51412to me.
51413 -- John Wayne
51414%
51415There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
51416%
51417There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
51418%
51419There's little in taking or giving,
51420 There's little in water or wine:
51421This living, this living, this living,
51422 Was never a project of mine.
51423Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
51424 The gain of the one at the top,
51425For art is a form of catharsis,
51426 And love is a permanent flop,
51427And work is the province of cattle,
51428 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
51429So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
51430 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
51431 -- Dorothy Parker
51432%
51433There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
51434whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
51435 -- Walt Kelly
51436%
51437There's no justice in this world.
51438 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano
51439 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after
51440 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch
51441 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz
51442 instead)
51443%
51444There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
51445 -- Dr. Who
51446%
51447There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
51448any worse.
51449%
51450There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
51451 -- Raoul Duke
51452%
51453There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
51454%
51455There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
51456what you're talking about.
51457 -- John von Neumann
51458%
51459There's no such thing as a free lunch.
51460 -- Milton Friendman
51461%
51462There's no such thing as an original sin.
51463 -- Elvis Costello
51464%
51465There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
51466working for you.
51467 -- Will Rodgers
51468%
51469There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
51470%
51471There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
51472armadillos.
51473 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
51474%
51475There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
51476neckline to keep a man on his toes.
51477%
51478There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
51479his wife.
51480 -- Clare Booth Luce
51481%
51482There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
51483%
51484There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
51485%
51486There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
51487keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
51488 -- J. S. Bach
51489%
51490There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
51491work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
51492 -- Mike Smith
51493%
51494There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
51495and open a vein.
51496 -- Red Smith
51497%
51498There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
51499nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
51500%
51501There's nothing worse for your business than
51502extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
51503 -- W. Bossert
51504%
51505There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
51506reasoning with them won't aggravate.
51507%
51508There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
51509always see somebody who did worse.
51510 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
51511%
51512There's one fool at least in every married couple.
51513%
51514There's only one everything.
51515%
51516There's only one way to have a happy marriage
51517and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
51518 -- Clint Eastwood
51519%
51520There's small choice in rotten apples.
51521 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
51522%
51523There's so much plastic in this culture that
51524vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
51525 -- Lily Tomlin
51526%
51527There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
51528%
51529There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
51530Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
51531 -- G. Gordon Liddy
51532%
51533There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
51534If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
51535%
51536There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
51537 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
51538%
51539There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
51540 -- Richard Le Gallienne
51541%
51542These activities have their own rules and methods
51543of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
51544 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
51545%
51546"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
51547"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
51548"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
51549out of MEGATON MAN!"
51550%
51551These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
51552they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
51553%
51554They also serve who only stand and wait.
51555 -- John Milton
51556%
51557They also surf who only stand on waves.
51558%
51559They are called computers simply because computation is
51560the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
51561%
51562They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
51563what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
51564life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
51565 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
51566 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
51567%
51568They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
51569when they can see nothing but sea.
51570 -- Francis Bacon
51571%
51572They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
51573 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
51574%
51575They call them "squares" because it's the
51576most complicated shape they can deal with.
51577%
51578They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
51579 -- The Blues Brothers
51580%
51581They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
51582 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words,
51583 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
51584%
51585They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
51586are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
51587
51588(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
51589 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
51590 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850
51591 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including
51592 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in
51593 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them
51594 there.
51595(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
51596 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
51597 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction.
51598 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record
51599 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in
51600 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is
51601 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty
51602 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
51603 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
51604%
51605They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
51606try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
51607man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
51608only want to count to two.
51609 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
51610%
51611They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
51612 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
51613 question about the suffering of starving miners.
51614%
51615They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
51616%
51617They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
51618 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
51619%
51620They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by
51621Russians with Greek->German dictionaries
51622 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation
51623%
51624They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
51625%
51626"They make a desert and call it peace."
51627 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
51628%
51629They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
51630especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
51631but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
51632 -- Richard Nixon
51633%
51634They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
51635not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
51636learn this particular lesson.
51637 -- Richard Stallman
51638%
51639They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
51640system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
51641we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
51642
51643I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
51644my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
51645then we take Berlin.
51646
51647I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
51648and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station?
51649I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
51650 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
51651%
51652They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
51653always spell better than they pronounce.
51654 -- Mark Twain
51655%
51656"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
51657safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
51658 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
51659%
51660"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
51661%
51662They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
51663About a month before. Their hair began to curl
51664The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
51665But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
51666
51667He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
51668To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
51669And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
51670The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
51671
51672My notion was to start again
51673Ignoring all they'd done
51674We quickly turned it into code
51675To see if it would run.
51676%
51677They took some of the Van Goghs, most
51678of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
51679%
51680They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
51681 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
51682%
51683They use different words for things in America.
51684For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
51685They say drapes and we say curtains.
51686They say president and we say brain damaged git.
51687 -- Alexie Sayle
51688%
51689They went rushing down that freeway,
51690Messed around and got lost.
51691They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
51692And it was life in the fast lane.
51693 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
51694%
51695They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
51696 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.
51697%
51698They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
51699The man said "We got all that we can use",
51700So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
51701Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
51702 -- Jim Croce
51703%
51704They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
51705back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
51706of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
51707for freedom.
51708 -- Stig's Inferno
51709%
51710They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
51711 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
51712%
51713They're just jealous because they don't have three
51714wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
51715 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
51716 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
51717%
51718They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
51719%
51720"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
51721to like."
51722 -- Avon
51723%
51724Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
51725their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
51726 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
51727%
51728Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
51729 -- Dwight Eisenhower
51730%
51731Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
51732%
51733Things are not always what they seem.
51734 -- Phaedrus
51735%
51736Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
51737%
51738Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
51739%
51740Things past redress and now with me past care.
51741 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
51742%
51743Things will be bright in P.M.
51744A cop will shine a light in your face.
51745%
51746Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
51747 -- Will Rogers
51748%
51749Things worth having are worth cheating for.
51750%
51751Think big.
51752Pollute the Mississippi.
51753%
51754Think honk if you're a telepath.
51755%
51756Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
51757 -- Darrell Royal
51758%
51759Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
51760%
51761Think of your family tonight.
51762Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
51763%
51764Think sideways!
51765 -- Ed De Bono
51766%
51767Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
51768%
51769Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
51770 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
51771%
51772Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
51773It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
51774Have made my days and nights imperishable,
51775Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
51776Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
51777Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
51778But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
51779Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
51780%
51781Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
51782when the hostess has only twelve chops.
51783 -- Groucho Marx
51784%
51785"Thirty days hath Septober,
51786April, June, and no wonder.
51787all the rest have peanut butter
51788except my father who wears red suspenders."
51789%
51790Thirty white horses on a red hill,
51791First they champ,
51792Then they stamp,
51793Then they stand still.
51794 -- Tolkien
51795%
51796This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
51797Everye nighte and alle,
51798Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
51799And Christe receive thy saule.
51800 -- The Lykewake Dirge
51801%
51802This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
51803speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
51804batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
51805deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
51806Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
51807spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
51808beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
51809pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
51810half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
51811a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
51812individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
51813limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
51814%
51815This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
51816(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
51817 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
51818%
51819This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
51820%
51821This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
51822%
51823This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
51824%
51825This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
51826need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
51827random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
51828up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
51829all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
51830%
51831This fortune intentionally not included.
51832%
51833This fortune intentionally says nothing.
51834%
51835This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
51836invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
51837%
51838This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
51839%
51840This fortune is false.
51841%
51842This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
51843%
51844This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
51845%
51846This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
51847%
51848This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
51849%
51850This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
51851We have emotional moving vans.
51852 -- Bruce Feirstein
51853%
51854This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
51855bags! I just won the California lottery!"
51856 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
51857 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
51858of the house by dinner!"
51859%
51860This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
51861regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
51862%
51863This is a good time to punt work.
51864%
51865"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
51866DOG."
51867 -- Bob Violence
51868%
51869"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
51870actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
51871%
51872This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
51873Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
51874%
51875This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
51876because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
51877which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
51878"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
51879consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
51880rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
51881oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
51882Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
51883over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
51884innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
51885passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
51886amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
51887apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
51888and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
51889 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
51890%
51891This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
51892%
51893This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
51894Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
51895and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
51896%
51897This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
51898and not enough hunchbacks.
51899%
51900This is for all ill-treated fellows
51901 Unborn and unbegot,
51902For them to read when they're in trouble
51903 And I am not.
51904 -- A. E. Housman
51905%
51906This is Jim Rockford.
51907At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
51908%
51909"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
51910to one."
51911 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
51912%
51913This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
51914his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
51915Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
51916%
51917This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
51918I don't talk to machines! [Click]
51919%
51920This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
51921%
51922This is NOT a repeat.
51923%
51924This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
51925spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
51926who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
51927 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
51928%
51929THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
51930
51931If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
51932contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
51933without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
51934contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
51935can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
51936for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
51937difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
51938and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
51939"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
51940you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
51941Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
5194230 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
51943Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
51944more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
51945%
51946This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
51947Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
51948%
51949This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
51950meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
51951and come alone. I'm serious!
51952%
51953This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
51954which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
51955 -- Arthur Clarke
51956%
51957This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
51958power of computers:
51959
51960Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
51961thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
51962level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
51963one should eat each day:
51964
51965 1/2 chicken
51966 1 egg
51967 1 glass of skim milk
51968 27 heads of lettuce.
51969 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
51970%
51971This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
51972%
51973This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
51974 -- Winston Churchill
51975%
51976This is the story of the bee
51977Whose sex is very hard to see
51978
51979You cannot tell the he from the she
51980But she can tell, and so can he
51981
51982The little bee is never still
51983She has no time to take the pill
51984
51985And that is why, in times like these
51986There are so many sons of bees.
51987%
51988This is the theory that Jack built.
51989This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
51990This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
51991%
51992This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
51993And now you know why.
51994%
51995This is the way the world ends,
51996This is the way the world ends,
51997This is the way the world ends,
51998Not with a bang but with a whimper.
51999 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
52000%
52001This is your fortune.
52002%
52003This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
52004 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
52005%
52006This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
52007constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
52008been called by others the fiddle factor..."
52009 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
52010%
52011This land is full of trousers!
52012this land is full of mausers!
52013 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
52014 -- Firesign Theater
52015%
52016This land is made of mountains,
52017This land is made of mud,
52018This land has lots of everything,
52019For me and Elmer Fudd.
52020
52021This land has lots of trousers,
52022This land has lots of mousers,
52023And pussycats to eat them
52024When the sun goes down.
52025%
52026This land is my land, and only my land,
52027I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
52028If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
52029This land is private property.
52030 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
52031%
52032This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
52033actual life, you would have received further instructions as
52034to what to do and where to go.
52035%
52036This life is yours. Some of it was given
52037to you; the rest, you made yourself.
52038%
52039This login session: $13.99
52040%
52041This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
52042%
52043This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
52044%
52045This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
52046 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
52047%
52048This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
52049great force.
52050 -- Dorothy Parker
52051%
52052This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
52053are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
52054who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
52055don't actually hurt.
52056 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
52057Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
52058hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
52059man enough to take me on?"
52060 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
52061Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
52062tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
52063a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
52064Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
52065"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
52066 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
52067charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
52068After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
52069crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
52070"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
52071replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
52072%
52073This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
52074got to find a way off this planet.
52075%
52076This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
52077the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
52078solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
52079largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
52080which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
52081paper that were unhappy.
52082 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
52083%
52084This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
52085something child-like.
52086 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
52087%
52088This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
52089persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
52090assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
52091shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
52092condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
52093Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
52094indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
52095or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
52096penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled
52097check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
52098are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
52099offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
52100Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
52101not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
52102toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
52103appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
52104not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
52105paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
52106suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
52107strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
52108are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
52109all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
52110%
52111This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
52112student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
52113
52114 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
52115 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
52116 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
52117 which identifies errors in the original program.
52118%
52119This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
52120mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
52121often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
52122adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
52123 -- Lazarus Long
52124%
52125This screen intentionally left blank.
52126%
52127This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
52128 -- Hofstadter
52129%
52130This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
52131%
52132This sentence no verb.
52133%
52134This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
52135%
52136This thing all things devours:
52137Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
52138Gnaws iron, bites steel;
52139Grinds hard stones to meal;
52140Slays king, ruins town,
52141And beats high mountain down.
52142%
52143This unit... must... survive.
52144%
52145This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
52146contents may have occurred during shipment.
52147%
52148This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
52149dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
52150pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
52151 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
52152%
52153This was the most unkindest cut of all.
52154 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
52155%
52156This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
52157This was terrible with raisins in it.
52158 -- Dorothy Parker
52159%
52160This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
52161%
52162This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
52163%
52164This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
52165The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
52166could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
52167 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
52168wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
52169pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
52170and was lying about twenty feet away.
52171 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
52172"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
52173%
52174Those lovable Brits department:
52175 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
52176%
52177Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
52178of us who do.
52179%
52180Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
52181%
52182Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
52183are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
52184at are called software.
52185 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
52186 Literacy for the 1990's.
52187%
52188Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
52189learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
52190 -- W. S. Krabill
52191%
52192Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
52193Silly Putty.
52194 -- Dennis Rawlins
52195%
52196Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
52197%
52198Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
52199Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
52200%
52201Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
52202 -- George Santayana
52203%
52204Those who can't write, write manuals.
52205%
52206Those who claim the dead never return
52207to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
52208%
52209"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."
52210 -- French Proverb
52211%
52212Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
52213 -- Henry Spencer
52214%
52215Those who do things in a noble spirit of
52216self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
52217 -- N. Alexander.
52218%
52219Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
52220parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
52221 -- Aristotle
52222%
52223Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
52224surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
52225 -- Mark B. Cohen
52226%
52227Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
52228Often have a share in their misfortunes.
52229 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
52230%
52231Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
52232world is love. The poor know that it is money.
52233 -- Gerald Brenan
52234%
52235Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
52236%
52237Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
52238will make violent revolution inevitable.
52239 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
52240%
52241Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
52242men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
52243without the roar of its many waters.
52244 -- Frederick Douglass
52245%
52246Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
52247Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
52248While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
52249PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
52250Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung.
52251
52252Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
52253Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
52254Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
52255Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
52256The highest rung. In his bung.
52257
52258Because in life they prayed so ill
52259And offered god such swinish swill
52260Now they sweat in flames of hell
52261Sweat from lack of APL
52262Sweat dung!
52263%
52264Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
52265%
52266Thou hast seen nothing yet.
52267 -- Miguel de Cervantes
52268%
52269Thou shalt not omit adultery.
52270%
52271Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
52272be maintained.
52273 -- The Tao of Programming
52274%
52275Though I respect that a lot
52276I'd be fired if that were my job
52277After killing Jason off and
52278Countless screaming argonauts
52279
52280Bluebird of friendliness
52281Like guardian angels it's
52282Always near
52283
52284Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
52285Who watches over you
52286Make a little birdhouse in your soul
52287Not to put too fine a point on it
52288Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
52289Make a little birdhouse in your soul
52290
52291 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
52292%
52293Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
52294%
52295Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
52296the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
52297Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
52298whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
52299fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
52300more about the matter than the others.
52301 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
52302%
52303Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
52304 -- Trollope
52305%
52306Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
52307 -- Benjamin Franklin
52308%
52309Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
52310all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
52311"Old MacDonald had a . . ."
52312
52313 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
52314 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
52315 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
52316 service station," said the Missourian.
52317 "Wrong."
52318 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
52319 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
52320 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
52321%
52322Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
52323is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
52324 -- A. E. Houseman
52325%
52326Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
52327late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
52328 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
52329%
52330Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
52331Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
52332Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
52333One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
52334In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
52335One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
52336One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
52337In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
52338 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
52339%
52340Three rules for sounding like an expert:
52341 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
52342 2. Always point out second-order effects,
52343 but never point out when they can be ignored.
52344 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
52345%
52346Throw away documentation and manuals,
52347and users will be a hundred times happier.
52348Throw away privileges and quotas,
52349and users will do the Right Thing.
52350Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
52351and there won't be any pirating.
52352
52353If these three aren't enough,
52354just stay at your home directory
52355and let all processes take their course.
52356%
52357Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
52358what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
52359 -- Bertrand Russell
52360%
52361Thus spake the master programmer:
52362 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
52363is its own hell."
52364 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52365%
52366Thus spake the master programmer:
52367 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
52368 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52369%
52370Thus spake the master programmer:
52371 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
52372 be productive."
52373 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52374%
52375Thus spake the master programmer:
52376 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
52377 be maintained."
52378 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52379%
52380Thus spake the master programmer:
52381 "Time for you to leave."
52382 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52383%
52384Thus spake the master programmer:
52385 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
52386 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52387%
52388Thus spake the master programmer:
52389 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
52390 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
52391 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52392%
52393Thus spake the master programmer:
52394 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
52395 hardware is useless."
52396 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52397%
52398Thus spake the master programmer:
52399 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
52400 can't make him computer literate."
52401 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52402%
52403Thyme's Law:
52404 Everything goes wrong at once.
52405%
52406Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
52407Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
52408Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
52409Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
52410
52411Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
52412Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
52413You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
52414And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
52415
52416And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
52417And racing around to come up behind you again
52418The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
52419Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
52420
52421Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
52422 is the English way
52423Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
52424Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
52425Or half a page of scribbled lines
52426 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
52427%
52428Tiddely Quiddely
52429Edward M. Kennedy
52430Quite unaccountably
52431Drove in a stream.
52432
52433Pleas of amnesia
52434Incomprehensible
52435Possibly shattered
52436Political dream.
52437%
52438Tiger got to hunt,
52439Bird got to fly;
52440Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
52441
52442Tiger got to sleep,
52443Bird got to land;
52444Man got to tell himself he understand.
52445 -- The Books of Bokonon
52446%
52447Time and tide wait for no man.
52448%
52449Time as he grows old teaches all things.
52450 -- Aeschylus
52451%
52452Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
52453%
52454Time goes, you say?
52455Ah no!
52456Time stays, *we* go.
52457 -- Austin Dobson
52458%
52459Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
52460 -- Hector Berlioz
52461%
52462Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
52463 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
52464%
52465Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
52466%
52467Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
52468 -- Henry David Thoreau
52469%
52470Time is nature's way of making sure that
52471everything doesn't happen at once.
52472
52473Space is nature's way of making sure that
52474everything doesn't happen to you.
52475%
52476Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
52477 -- Theophrastus
52478%
52479Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
52480%
52481Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
52482%
52483Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
52484%
52485Time to take stock.
52486Go home with some office supplies.
52487%
52488Time washes clean
52489Love's wounds unseen.
52490That's what someone told me;
52491But I don't know what it means.
52492 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
52493%
52494Time will end all my troubles,
52495but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
52496%
52497Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
52498 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
52499%
52500timesharing, n:
52501 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
52502%
52503Timing must be perfect now.
52504Two-timing must be better than perfect.
52505%
52506Tip of the Day:
52507 Never fry bacon in the nude.
52508%
52509Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
52510 -- J. LeBoutillier
52511%
52512Tip the world over on its side and
52513everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
52514 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
52515%
52516TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
52517 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
52518 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
52519 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
52520 they would ordinarily.
52521 There is no music in space.
52522 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
52523 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
52524%
52525TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
52526force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
52527the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
52528to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
52529recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
52530Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
52531 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
52532 never been easier."
52533Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
52534it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
52535components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
52536work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the
52537magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
52538much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
52539But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
52540Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
52541Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
52542Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
525431-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
52544available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
52545%
52546Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
52547%
52548'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
52549 -- H. L. Mencken
52550%
52551'Tis the dream of each programmer,
52552Before his life is done,
52553To write three lines of APL,
52554And make the damn things run.
52555%
52556To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
52557is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
52558stopping at red lights are both optional.
52559 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52560%
52561To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
52562above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
52563to spend a few days there.
52564 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52565%
52566To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
52567in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
52568 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52569%
52570To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
52571in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
52572only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
52573Swedes speak better English.
52574 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52575%
52576To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
52577a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
52578thousand.
52579 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52580%
52581To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
52582To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
52583oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
52584 -- Epictetus
52585%
52586To add insult to injury.
52587 -- Phaedrus
52588%
52589To any truly impartial person, it would
52590be obvious that I am always right.
52591%
52592To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
52593 -- Elbert Hubbard
52594%
52595To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
52596 -- Shelley
52597%
52598To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
52599should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
52600 -- Thackeray
52601%
52602To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
52603than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
52604%
52605To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
52606Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
52607 -- Confucius
52608%
52609To be great is to be misunderstood.
52610 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
52611%
52612To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
52613Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
52614fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
52615It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
52616in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
52617weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
52618be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
52619a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
52620and not be happy.
52621 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
52622%
52623To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
52624%
52625To be is to be related.
52626 -- C. J. Keyser.
52627%
52628To be is to do.
52629 -- I. Kant
52630To do is to be.
52631 -- A. Sartre
52632Do be a Do Bee!
52633 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
52634Do be do be do!
52635 -- F. Sinatra
52636Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
52637 -- F. Flintstone
52638%
52639To be loved is very demoralizing.
52640 -- Katharine Hepburn
52641%
52642To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
52643night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
52644battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
52645 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
52646%
52647To be or not to be.
52648 -- Shakespeare
52649To do is to be.
52650 -- Nietzsche
52651To be is to do.
52652 -- Sartre
52653Do be do be do.
52654 -- Sinatra
52655%
52656To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
52657%
52658To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
52659but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
52660 -- Lionel Strachey
52661%
52662"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
52663this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
52664offer in response is based on information available to make no such
52665statement."
52666%
52667To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
52668 -- Golda Meir
52669%
52670To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
52671as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
52672%
52673To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
52674and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
52675%
52676To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
52677%
52678To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
52679%
52680To be wise, the only thing you really need
52681to know is when to say "I don't know."
52682%
52683To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
52684you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
52685 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
52686%
52687To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
52688To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
52689To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
52690To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
52691 To write those routines
52692To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
52693To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
52694To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
52695To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
52696 To this glorious quest,
52697And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
52698That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
52699 destined to lose,
52700Still strove with his last allocation
52701To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
52702 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
52703%
52704To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
52705 -- AT&T
52706%
52707To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
52708may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
52709 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
52710%
52711To craunch a marmoset.
52712 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
52713%
52714To criticize the incompetent is easy;
52715it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
52716%
52717To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
52718 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
52719%
52720To do nothing is to be nothing.
52721%
52722To do two things at once is to do neither.
52723 -- Publilius Syrus
52724%
52725To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
52726convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
52727 -- H. Poincare
52728%
52729To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
52730of four kids and one bathroom.
52731 -- John DiMarco
52732%
52733To err is human -- but it feels divine.
52734 -- Mae West
52735%
52736To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
52737%
52738To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
52739%
52740To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
52741%
52742To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
52743before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
52744%
52745To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
52746%
52747"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
52748%
52749To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
52750%
52751To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
52752%
52753To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
52754 -- MIT Assasination Club
52755%
52756To err is human, to forgive unusual.
52757%
52758To err is human, to moo bovine.
52759%
52760To err is human, to purr feline.
52761To err is human, two curs canine.
52762To err is human, to moo bovine.
52763%
52764To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
52765 -- Benjamin Franklin
52766%
52767To err is human.
52768To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
52769%
52770To err is human,
52771To purr feline.
52772 -- Robert Byrne
52773%
52774To err is humor.
52775%
52776To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
52777 -- B. Duggan
52778%
52779To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven:
52780A time to be born, and a time to die;
52781A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
52782A time to kill, and a time to heal;
52783A time to break down, and a time to build up;
52784A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
52785A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
52786A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
52787A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
52788A time to gain, and a time to lose;
52789A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
52790A time to tear, and a time to sew;
52791A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
52792A time to love, and a time to hate;
52793A time of war, and a time of peace.
52794 Ecclesiastes 3:1-9
52795%
52796To fear love is to fear life, and those
52797who fear life are already three parts dead.
52798 -- Bertrand Russell
52799%
52800To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
52801 -- Norman Douglas
52802%
52803To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
52804 -- Benjamin Franklin
52805%
52806To generalize is to be an idiot.
52807 -- William Blake
52808%
52809To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
52810%
52811To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
52812To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
52813%
52814To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
52815persons, two of them absent.
52816%
52817To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
52818%
52819To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
52820%
52821To have died once is enough.
52822 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
52823%
52824To hell with the Prime Directive;
52825Let's KILL something!
52826%
52827To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
52828 -- Thomas Edison
52829%
52830To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
52831 -- Robert Heller
52832%
52833To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
52834 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
52835%
52836To keep your friends treat them kindly;
52837to kill them, treat them often.
52838%
52839To know Edina is to reject it.
52840 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
52841%
52842To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
52843%
52844To lead people, you must follow behind.
52845 -- Lao Tsu
52846%
52847To listen to some devout people,
52848one would imagine that God never laughs.
52849 -- Sri Aurobindo
52850%
52851To love is good, love being difficult.
52852%
52853To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
52854%
52855To make tax forms true they should
52856read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
52857%
52858To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
52859 -- St. Augustine
52860%
52861TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
52862where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
52863circus and a clown killed my dad.
52864 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
52865%
52866To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
52867bitters. Shake.
52868 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
52869%
52870To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
52871 -- 19th century toast
52872%
52873To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
52874%
52875To restore a sense of reality, I think
52876Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
52877 -- Jack Paar
52878%
52879To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
52880%
52881To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
52882but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
52883micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
52884 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
52885%
52886To say you got a vote of confidence
52887would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
52888 -- Andrew Young
52889%
52890To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
52891%
52892To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
52893and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
52894agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
52895There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
52896it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
52897tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
52898mind over matter; quite.
52899 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
52900%
52901To see you is to sympathize.
52902%
52903To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
52904the job will take the longest and cost the most.
52905%
52906To stand and be still,
52907At the Birkenhead drill,
52908Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
52909 -- Rudyard Kipling
52910%
52911To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
52912of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
52913 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
52914%
52915To stay youthful, stay useful.
52916%
52917To teach is to learn.
52918%
52919To teach is to learn twice.
52920 -- Joseph Joubert
52921%
52922To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
52923%
52924To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
52925%
52926To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
52927a test load.
52928%
52929To Theodore Roosevelt:
52930 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
52931The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
52932you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
52933must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
52934 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
52935 Lord of the Riff
52936 Sultan to the Berbers
52937 Last of the Barbary Pirates
52938%
52939To thine own self be true.
52940(If not that, at least make some money.)
52941%
52942To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
52943madness.
52944 -- Eugene Ionesco
52945%
52946To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
52947system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
52948inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
52949precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
52950uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
52951well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
52952of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
52953secure ecological niche.
52954 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
52955%
52956TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
52957
52958 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
52959what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
52960may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
52961 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
52962to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
52963destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
52964or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
52965receving said benefit.
52966 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
52967yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving
52968as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
52969in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
52970 Amen.
52971 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
52972%
52973To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
52974%
52975To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
52976he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
52977%
52978To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
52979telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
52980computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
52981in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
52982lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
52983
52984Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
52985suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
52986computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
52987one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
52988break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
52989incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
52990an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
52991pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
52992loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
52993and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
52994 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
52995 Phones?"
52996%
52997To use violence is to already be defeated.
52998 -- Chinese proverb
52999%
53000"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
53001%
53002To whom the mornings are like nights,
53003What must the midnights be!
53004 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
53005%
53006To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
53007strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
53008Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
53009and take by force a satisfying mesh.
53010Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
53011You are the master here, and they the slaves.
53012Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
53013and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
53014A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
53015What use are words that drive not to the heart?
53016A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
53017and choose more docile words to take its part.
53018A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
53019by making love directly to the brain.
53020%
53021To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
53022 -- Woody Allen
53023%
53024Tobacco is a filthy weed,
53025That from the devil does proceed;
53026It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
53027And makes a chimney of your nose.
53028 -- B. Waterhouse
53029%
53030TODAY:
53031 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
53032%
53033Today is a good day for information-gathering.
53034Read someone else's mail file.
53035%
53036Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
53037%
53038Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
53039%
53040Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
53041%
53042Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
53043%
53044Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
53045%
53046Today is the last day of your life so far.
53047%
53048Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
53049%
53050Today is what happened to yesterday.
53051%
53052"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
53053except in major motion pictures."
53054 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
53055%
53056Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
53057cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
53058boarder.
53059%
53060Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
53061%
53062Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
53063
53064And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
53065 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
53066%
53067Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
53068cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
53069spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
53070 -- Bob & Ray
53071%
53072Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why.
53073 -- Hunter S. Thompson
53074%
53075Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
53076%
53077toilet toupee, n:
53078 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
53079 creating endless annoyance to male users.
53080 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
53081%
53082Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
53083 -- Gore Vidal
53084%
53085Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
53086but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
53087%
53088Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
53089%
53090Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
53091%
53092Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
53093 -- DEC
53094%
53095Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
53096%
53097Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
53098Don't forget to leave a tip.
53099%
53100Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
53101%
53102Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
53103 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
53104%
53105Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
53106driving cabs and cutting hair.
53107 -- George Burns
53108%
53109TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
53110real fast and freak everybody out.
53111 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
53112%
53113Too clever is dumb.
53114 -- Ogden Nash
53115%
53116Too cool to calypso,
53117Too tough to tango,
53118Too weird to watusi
53119 -- The Only Ones
53120%
53121Too Late
53122 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
53123the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
53124the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
53125the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
53126 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
53127%
53128Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
53129They seem more afraid of life than death.
53130 -- James F. Byrnes
53131%
53132Too much is just enough.
53133 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
53134%
53135Too much is not enough.
53136%
53137Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
53138 -- Mae West
53139%
53140Too much of everything is just enough.
53141 -- Bob Wier
53142%
53143Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
53144briefcases.
53145 -- Governor Jerry Brown
53146%
53147Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
53148anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
53149in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
53150 -- Instrument News
53151 [Once is too often. Ed.]
53152%
53153Too ripped. Gotta go.
53154%
53155Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
53156%
53157Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
53158
5315910) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
53160 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
53161 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
53162 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
53163 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
53164 assurance people in its wake.
53165 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
53166 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
53167 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
53168 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
53169 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
53170 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
53171 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
53172 original Klingon.
53173 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
53174 it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
53175%
53176Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
53177earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
53178As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
53179Please...
53180
53181 CONSERVE GRAVITY
53182
53183Follow these simple suggestions:
53184
53185(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
53186(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
53187(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
53188 curling.
53189(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
53190(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
53191 pile.
53192(6) Stop flipping pancakes
53193%
53194Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
53195
5319610: Sorry, but that's too useful.
53197 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
53198 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
53199 #pragma is for.
53200 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
53201 hard to write.
53202 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
53203 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
53204 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
53205 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
53206 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
53207 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
53208%
53209Topologists are just plane folks.
53210 Pilots are just plane folks.
53211 Carpenters are just plane folks.
53212 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
53213 Musicians are just playin' folks.
53214 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
53215Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
53216%
53217Torque is cheap.
53218%
53219Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
53220%
53221TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
53222 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
53223%
53224Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
53225 -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
53226%
53227Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
53228get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
53229 -- David Letterman
53230%
53231Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
53232personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
53233 -- A. Gide
53234%
53235Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
53236 -- David Letterman
53237%
53238TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
53239%
53240TRANSFER:
53241 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
53242%
53243TRANSPARENT:
53244 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
53245 "It's there, but you can't see it"
53246 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.
53247
53248VIRTUAL:
53249 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
53250 "I can see it, but it's not there."
53251 -- Lady Macbeth.
53252%
53253TRANSVESTITE:
53254 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
53255%
53256Trap full -- please empty.
53257%
53258TRAVEL:
53259 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
53260%
53261Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
53262%
53263Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
53264 -- Han Solo
53265%
53266Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
53267"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
53268 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
53269to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
53270by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
53271for a short spell?"
53272%
53273Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
53274 -- Publilius Syrus
53275%
53276Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
53277 -- Charles DeGaulle
53278%
53279Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
53280 -- Michelangelo
53281%
53282Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
53283%
53284Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
53285%
53286Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
53287next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
53288a brand new series of three.
53289%
53290Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
53291in eucalyptus trees.
53292%
53293Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
53294%
53295True happiness will be found only in true love.
53296%
53297True leadership is the art of changing
53298a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
53299 -- Virginia Allan
53300%
53301True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
53302personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
53303 -- David Mamet
53304%
53305Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
53306 -- Henrik Tikkanen
53307%
53308Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
53309 -- Norman Augustine
53310%
53311Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
53312 -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
53313%
53314Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
53315 -- Arabian proverb
53316%
53317TRUST ME:
53318 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
53319%
53320TRUST ME:
53321 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
53322%
53323Trust your husband, adore your husband,
53324and get as much as you can in your own name.
53325 -- Joan Rivers
53326%
53327Truth can wait; he's used to it.
53328%
53329Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
53330 -- Albert Schweitzer
53331%
53332Truth is free, but information costs.
53333%
53334Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
53335%
53336"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
53337%
53338Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
53339 -- Mark Twain
53340%
53341Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
53342of him that brought her birth.
53343 -- Milton
53344%
53345Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
53346%
53347Truthful, adj.:
53348 Dumb and illiterate.
53349 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
53350%
53351try again
53352%
53353Try not to have a good time ...
53354This is supposed to be educational.
53355 -- Charles Schulz
53356%
53357Try not.
53358Do.
53359Or do not.
53360There is no try.
53361%
53362Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
53363%
53364Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
53365%
53366Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
53367%
53368Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
53369%
53370Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
53371it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
53372tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
53373novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
53374the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
53375 -- Amrom Katz
53376%
53377Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
53378%
53379Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
53380%
53381Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
53382 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
53383%
53384Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
53385%
53386Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
53387specification is that it should run noiselessly.
53388%
53389Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
53390 -- Alan Watts
53391%
53392Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.
53393%
53394Trying to get an education here is like
53395trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
53396%
53397T-shirt:
53398 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
53399%
53400Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
53401%
53402Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
53403%
53404Turn on, tune in, and take over.
53405 -- Tim Leary
53406%
53407Turn the other cheek.
53408 -- Jesus Christ
53409%
53410Turnaucka's Law:
53411 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
53412 electrical cord.
53413%
53414Tussman's Law:
53415 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
53416%
53417TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
53418 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
53419%
53420'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
53421and I never even had the decency to thank her.
53422 -- R. B. Gossling
53423%
53424"Twas bergen and the eirie road
53425Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
53426All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
53427And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
53428 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
53429He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
53430Long time the folsom foe he sought
53431Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
53432And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
53433 Came whippany through the englewood,
53434One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
53435 and through
53436The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
53437He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
53438He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
53439 He caldwell in his joy.
53440Did mahwah into patterson:
53441All jersey were the ocean groves,
53442And the red bank bayonne.
53443 -- Paul Kieffer
53444%
53445'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
53446Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
53447All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
53448And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
53449 Beware the Jubjub bird,
53450He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
53451Long time the manxome foe he sought.
53452So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
53453And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
53454 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
53455One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
53456 through
53457The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
53458He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
53459And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
53460 He chortled in his joy.
53461'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
53462Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
53463All mimsy were the borogroves
53464And the mome raths outgrabe.
53465 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
53466%
53467'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
53468Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
53469All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
53470By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
53471 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
53472He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
53473Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
53474Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
53475And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
53476 Came waffling with the truth too good,
53477Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
53478 and through
53479The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
53480It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
53481He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
53482 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
53483'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
53484Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
53485All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
53486And mammon's wrath them bash!
53487 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
53488%
53489'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
53490Did gyre and gimble in their cave
53491All mimsy was the CS-VAX
53492And Cory raths outgrabe.
53493
53494"Beware the software rot, my son!
53495The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
53496Beware the broken pipe, and shun
53497The frumious system crash!"
53498%
53499'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
53500Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
53501So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
53502To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
53503
53504The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
53505Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
53506Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
53507On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
53508
53509She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
53510Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
53511As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
53512And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
53513 -- Midnight On The Ocean
53514%
53515'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
53516When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
53517Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
53518A satellite spotted him making his way.
53519The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
53520Was ready for action, and started to fire!
53521The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
53522Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
53523I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
53524When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
53525I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
53526St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
53527But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
53528A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
53529Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
53530Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
53531So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
53532The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
53533Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
53534'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
53535It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
53536If the crazy contraption would work very well.
53537So after a trillion or two had been spent
53538The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.
53539So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
53540There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
53541%
53542'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
53543 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
53544 throughout our place of residence,
53545Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
53546 possessors of this potential, including that
53547 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
53548Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
53549 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
53550Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
53551 imminent visitation from an eccentric
53552 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
53553 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
53554%
53555Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
53556 -- Walt Kelly
53557%
53558Twenty two thousand days.
53559Twenty two thousand days.
53560It's not a lot.
53561It's all you've got.
53562Twenty two thousand days.
53563 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
53564%
53565Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
53566in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
53567was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
53568fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
53569 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
53570"Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
53571 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
53572 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
53573collision course with that ship.
53574 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
53575a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
53576 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
53577 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
53578degrees!"
53579 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
53580course 20 degrees."
53581 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
53582battleship, change course 20 degrees."
53583 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
53584 We changed course.
53585 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
53586%
53587Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
53588 -- Howard Kandel
53589%
53590Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
53591%
53592Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
53593penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
53594"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
53595owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
53596up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
53597away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
53598the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
53599the movies!"
53600%
53601Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
53602barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
53603 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
53604knows when to stop."
53605%
53606Two heads are better than one.
53607 -- John Heywood
53608%
53609Two heads are more numerous than one.
53610%
53611Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
53612performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
53613British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
53614Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
53615her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
53616a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
53617entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
53618and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
53619search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
53620incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
53621became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
53622%
53623Two is company, three is an orgy.
53624%
53625Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
53626%
53627Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
53628canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
53629call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
53630end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
53631 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
53632are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
53633 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
53634You're lost!"
53635 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
53636 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
53637 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
53638he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
53639%
53640Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
53641"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
53642"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
53643trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
53644his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
53645the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
53646and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
53647did it and must pay three silver pieces."
53648%
53649Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
53650%
53651Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
53652with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
53653toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
53654 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
53655at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
53656dry side.
53657 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
53658 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
53659%
53660Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
53661%
53662Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
53663%
53664Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
53665%
53666Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
53667the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
53668 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
53669%
53670Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
53671I forget the second.
53672%
53673Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
53674orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
53675and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
53676they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
53677toasts him, "Skoal!"
53678 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
53679here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
53680%
53681Two wrongs are only the beginning.
53682 -- Kohn
53683%
53684Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
53685 -- Thomas Szasz
53686%
53687Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
53688%
53689Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
53690In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
53691What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
53692Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
53693
53694Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
53695The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
53696On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
53697What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
53698
53699And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
53700Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
53701And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
53702What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
53703
53704Could fetch it from the furnace deep
53705And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
53706In the well of sanguine woe?
53707In what clay & in what mould
53708Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
53709 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
53710%
53711Type louder, please.
53712%
53713U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
53714 Run right up and rub its horn.
53715 Look at all those points you're losing!
53716 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
53717 -- The Roguelet's ABC
53718%
53719"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
53720
53721(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
53722 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
53723%
53724Udall's Fourth Law:
53725 Any change or reform you make
53726 is going to have consequences you don't like.
53727%
53728UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
53729%
53730Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
53731straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
53732Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
53733 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
53734%
53735Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
53736Sorry for the confusion.
53737 -- Sun Microsystems
53738%
53739Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
53740woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
53741leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
53742coughing and drops dead.
53743 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
53744%
53745"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
53746
53747"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
53748right?"
53749 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
53750%
53751Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
53752 Never use your thumb for a rule.
53753 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
53754%
53755Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
53756just man is also in prison.
53757 -- Henry David Thoreau
53758%
53759Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
53760ordinance under which you can be booked.
53761 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
53762%
53763Under capitalism, man exploits man.
53764Under communism, it's just the opposite.
53765 -- J. K. Galbraith
53766%
53767Under deadline pressure for the next week.
53768If you want something, it can wait.
53769Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
53770%
53771Under every stone lurks a politician.
53772 -- Aristophanes
53773%
53774Under the wide and heavy VAX
53775Dig my grave and let me relax
53776Long have I lived, and many my hacks
53777And I lay me down with a will.
53778These be the words that tell the way:
53779"Here he lies who piped 64K,
53780Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
53781And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
53782%
53783Under the wide and starry sky,
53784Dig my grave and let me lie,
53785Glad did I live and gladly die,
53786And laid me down with a will,
53787And this be the verse that you grave for me,
53788Here he lies where he longed to be,
53789Home is the sailor home from the sea,
53790And the hunter home from the hill.
53791 -- R. Kipling
53792%
53793Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
53794 Superiority is recessive.
53795%
53796understand, v:
53797 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
53798 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
53799 basis of your own internal model instead.
53800%
53801Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
53802in relation to a bigger problem.
53803 -- P. D. Ouspensky
53804%
53805Unfair animal names:
53806
53807-- tsetse fly -- bullhead
53808-- booby -- duck-billed platypus
53809-- sapsucker -- Clarence
53810 -- Gary Larson
53811%
53812UNFAIR COMPETITION:
53813 Selling cheaper than we do.
53814%
53815Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
53816friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
53817throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
53818slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
53819 -- Jon Bentley
53820%
53821Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
53822 -- Bertolt Brecht
53823%
53824UNION:
53825 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
53826%
53827United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
53828season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
53829forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
53830every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
53831low over the world.
53832 -- Isaac Asimov
53833%
53834universe, n:
53835 The problem.
53836%
53837Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
53838in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
53839%
53840UNIVERSITY:
53841 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
53842 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
53843 you how to fix it, and...
53844
53845 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
53846 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
53847%
53848University, n.:
53849 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
53850usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
53851fix it, and ...
53852%
53853University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
53854 -- Henry Kissinger
53855%
53856UNIX enhancements aren't.
53857%
53858Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
53859of more feet, just to be sure.
53860 -- Eric Allman
53861
53862... We make rope.
53863 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.
53864%
53865Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
53866hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
53867but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
53868People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
53869world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
53870 -- E. Post
53871 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
53872%
53873Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
53874 -- Donn Seeley
53875%
53876UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
53877lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
53878 -- Michael Jay Tucker
53879%
53880UNIX is many things to many people,
53881but it's never been everything to anybody.
53882%
53883Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
53884 -- Berry Kercheval
53885%
53886Unix, n:
53887 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
53888 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
53889 with the workstation harem.
53890%
53891unix soit qui mal y pense
53892%
53893UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
53894Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
53895 -- Andy Tannenbaum
53896%
53897UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
53898would also stop you from doing clever things.
53899 -- Doug Gwyn
53900%
53901Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
53902%
53903Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
53904between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
53905and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
53906 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
53907%
53908Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
53909of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
53910a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
53911be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
53912time waste me.
53913 -- William Shakespeare
53914%
53915Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
53916 -- E.E. Cummings
53917%
53918Unnamed Law:
53919 If it happens, it must be possible.
53920%
53921Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
53922unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
53923 -- Edward Gibbon
53924%
53925Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
53926pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
53927 -- H. L. Mencken
53928%
53929Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
53930 -- Richard Amour
53931%
53932UNTOLD WEALTH:
53933 What you left out on April 15th.
53934%
53935Up against the net, redneck mother,
53936Mother who has raised your son so well;
53937He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
53938Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
53939%
53940Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
53941or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
53942noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
53943 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
53944%
53945Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
53946%
53947Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
53948%
53949Use a pun, go to jail.
53950%
53951Use an accordion. Go to jail.
53952 -- KFOG, San Francisco
53953%
53954Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
53955if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
53956 -- Henry Van Dyke
53957%
53958USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
53959more labor and less oratory.
53960 -- Elizabeth Haley
53961%
53962User hostile.
53963%
53964User n.:
53965 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
53966%
53967user, n:
53968 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
53969 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
53970
53971[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
53972 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
53973%
53974Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging
53975an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone
53976living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench.
53977 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University.
53978%
53979Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
53980 -- S. C. Johnson
53981%
53982Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
53983text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
53984goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
53985didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
53986
53987I always hated those adventure games.
53988 -- David Gerard
53989%
53990Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
53991 -- Tom Robbins
53992%
53993/usr/news/gotcha
53994%
53995Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
53996 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
53997%
53998Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
53999opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
54000 -- Doug Larson
54001%
54002VACATION:
54003 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
54004 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
54005 life-style to recuperate.
54006%
54007Vail's Second Axiom:
54008 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
54009amount of work already completed.
54010%
54011Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
54012Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
54013 -- Tom Chapin
54014%
54015Van Roy's Law:
54016 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
54017%
54018Van Roy's Law:
54019 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
54020
54021Van Roy's Truism:
54022 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
54023%
54024Vanilla, adj.:
54025 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
54026very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
54027extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
54028"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
54029and sour won ton soup.
54030%
54031Variables don't; constants aren't.
54032%
54033Vax Vobiscum
54034%
54035Vegetables are what food eats.
54036Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
54037Fish are fast moving vegetables.
54038Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
54039 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
54040%
54041Vegeterians beware! You are what you eat.
54042%
54043Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
54044 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
54045 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
54046%
54047Veni, Vidi, Visa.
54048%
54049Veni, Vidi, VISA:
54050 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
54051%
54052Verba volant, scripta manent!
54053%
54054Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
54055 -- E. F. Benson
54056%
54057Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
54058reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
54059thirty-five.
54060 -- Joel Hildebrand
54061%
54062Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
54063%
54064Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
54065infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
54066could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
54067somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
54068ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
54069quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
54070lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
54071outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
54072little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
54073for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
54074screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
54075is presumably working on it.
54076%
54077Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
54078at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
54079 -- Herodotus
54080%
54081Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
54082%
54083VI:
54084 A hungry dog hunts best.
54085 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
54086VII:
54087 Decreased business base increases overhead.
54088 So does increased business base.
54089VIII:
54090 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
54091 is fifth grade arithmetic.
54092IX:
54093 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
54094 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
54095X:
54096 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
54097 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
54098 -- Norman Augustine
54099%
54100Victory uber allies!
54101%
54102Viking, n:
54103 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
54104 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
54105 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
54106 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
54107 in the 9th century.
54108
54109Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
54110only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
54111property.
54112%
54113Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
54114Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
54115 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
54116%
54117Vini, vidi, vici.
54118[I came, I saw, I conquered].
54119 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
54120%
54121"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
54122violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
54123ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
54124issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
54125%
54126Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
54127%
54128Violence is molding.
54129%
54130Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
54131 -- Salvador Hardin
54132%
54133Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
54134there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
54135frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
54136weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
54137impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
54138shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
54139 -- Tom Robbins
54140%
54141VIRGINIA:
54142 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
54143 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
54144%
54145Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
54146yard.
54147%
54148VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
54149 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
54150sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
54151fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
54152%
54153VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
54154 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
54155 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
54156 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
54157 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
54158 that old underwear you own.
54159%
54160"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
54161%
54162Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
54163only the willingness to make it when necessary.
54164 -- Frederick Dunn
54165%
54166Virtue is its own punishment.
54167 -- Denniston
54168
54169Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
54170 -- Aneurin Bevan
54171%
54172Virtue is not left to stand alone.
54173He who practices it will have neighbors.
54174 -- Confucius
54175%
54176Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
54177 -- La Rochefoucauld
54178%
54179Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
54180%
54181Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
54182%
54183Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
54184 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
54185%
54186Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
54187from where you left them to where you can't find them.
54188%
54189Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
54190%
54191VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
54192%
54193VMS, n:
54194 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
54195%
54196VMS version 2.0 ==>
54197%
54198Voicless it cries,
54199Wingless flutters,
54200Toothless bites,
54201Mouthless mutters.
54202%
54203VOLCANO:
54204 A mountain with hiccups.
54205%
54206Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
54207And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
54208And to him who's scientific
54209There is nothing that's terrific
54210In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
54211 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
54212%
54213Volley Theory:
54214 It is better to have lobbed and lost
54215 than never to have lobbed at all.
54216%
54217Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
54218supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
54219the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
54220how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
54221information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
54222Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
54223%
54224Vote anarchist.
54225%
54226Vote early and vote often.
54227 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
54228 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
54229%
54230Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
54231TAX-DEFERRED!
54232%
54233VUJA DE:
54234 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
54235%
54236VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
54237%
54238Wad some power the giftie gie us
54239To see oursels as others see us.
54240 -- R. Browning
54241%
54242Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
54243 -- Mark Twain
54244%
54245Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
54246 -- Pericles
54247%
54248Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
542491st customer: "I'll have tea."
542502nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
54251 (Waiter exits, returns)
54252Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
54253%
54254Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
54255Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
54256Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
54257Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
54258
54259Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
54260Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
54261Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
54262Make our country well again, respected by the world.
54263
54264Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
54265Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
54266Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
54267Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
54268 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
54269%
54270Wake up and smell the coffee.
54271 -- Ann Landers
54272%
54273Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
54274a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
54275%
54276Walk softly and carry a big stick.
54277 -- Theodore Roosevelt
54278%
54279Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
54280%
54281Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
54282 -- Jack Kerouac
54283%
54284Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions
54285 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics.
54286 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.)
54287%
54288Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
54289Garp: Gradual school?
54290Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
54291 gradual school.
54292Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
54293 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
54294 -- The World According To Garp
54295%
54296Walters' Rule:
54297 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
54298 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
54299 on a plane that left Gate 1.
54300%
54301Wanna buy a duck?
54302%
54303Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
54304A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
54305But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
54306When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
54307 black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
54308
54309Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
54310The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
54311They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
54312So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
54313 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
54314%
54315War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
54316%
54317War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
54318 -- Charles Edward Montague
54319%
54320War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
54321%
54322War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
54323 -- Desiderius Erasmus
54324%
54325War is like love, it always finds a way.
54326 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
54327%
54328War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
54329 -- Clemenceau
54330%
54331War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
54332%
54333War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
54334 -- Anacreon
54335%
54336WARNING:
54337 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
54338 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
54339 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
54340 of your favorite war.
54341%
54342WARNING!
54343 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
54344A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
54345user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
54346to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
54347to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
54348aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
54349entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
54350it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
54351things to the terminal.
54352%
54353Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
54354%
54355Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
54356those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
54357up.
54358 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
54359%
54360Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
54361Survivors will be shot again.
54362%
54363WARNING!!!
54364This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
54365
54366A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
54367operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
54368machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
54369to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
54370only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
54371may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
54372and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
54373
54374See also: flog(1), tm(1)
54375%
54376Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
54377%
54378Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
54379In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
54380There was a time they could cry over books,
54381But time has set its maggot on their track.
54382Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
54383What's never known is safest in this life.
54384Under the skysigns they who have no arms
54385Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
54386Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
54387 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
54388%
54389Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810.
54390%
54391Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
54392%
54393Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
54394 -- John F. Kennedy
54395%
54396[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
54397the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
54398 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
54399%
54400Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
54401knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
54402%
54403Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
54404 -- Euripides
54405%
54406Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
54407%
54408Wasting time is an important part of living.
54409%
54410Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
54411%
54412Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
54413 -- Han Solo
54414%
54415Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
54416 -- Mark Twain
54417%
54418Watership Down:
54419You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
54420%
54421Watson's Law:
54422 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
54423 number and significance of any persons watching it.
54424%
54425WE:
54426 The single most important word in the world.
54427%
54428We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
54429when it's necessary to compromise.
54430 -- Larry Wall
54431%
54432We all declare for liberty, but in using the
54433same word we do not all mean the same thing.
54434 -- Abraham Lincoln
54435%
54436We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
54437%
54438We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
54439%
54440We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
54441%
54442We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
54443 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
54444%
54445We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
54446 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
54447%
54448We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
54449whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
54450is that it is not crazy enough.
54451 -- Niels Bohr
54452%
54453We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
54454before we are fit to participate in society.
54455 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
54456 Correct Behaviour"
54457%
54458We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
54459%
54460We are all born mad. Some remain so.
54461 -- Samuel Beckett
54462%
54463We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
54464%
54465We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
54466 -- Oscar Wilde
54467%
54468We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
54469 -- A. Schweitzer
54470%
54471We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
54472 -- Winston Churchill
54473%
54474We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
54475 -- Ray Bradbury
54476%
54477We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
54478 -- Whole Earth Catalog
54479%
54480We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
54481 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
54482%
54483We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
54484 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
54485%
54486We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
54487own facts.
54488 -- Patrick Moynihan
54489%
54490We are each only one drop in a great
54491ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
54492%
54493We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
54494%
54495We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
54496dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
54497 -- J. Hoover
54498%
54499We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
54500socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
54501thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
54502 -- Fidel Castro
54503%
54504We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
54505 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
54506%
54507We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
54508Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
54509%
54510We are not a clone.
54511%
54512We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
54513 -- John Fisher
54514%
54515We are not alone.
54516%
54517We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
54518rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
54519 -- Victor Hugo
54520%
54521"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
54522theorem."
54523 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
54524%
54525We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
54526develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
54527Manual.
54528 -- Andrew Hume
54529%
54530We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
54531%
54532We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
54533 -- Jonathon Swift
54534%
54535We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
54536the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
54537
54538This is a recording.
54539%
54540We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
54541share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
54542our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
54543leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
54544the substance that cast them.
54545%
54546We are the people our parents warned us about.
54547%
54548We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
54549to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
54550 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
54551%
54552We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
54553The order is not insignificant.
54554 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
54555%
54556"We are upping our standards ... so up yours."
54557 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
54558%
54559We are what we are.
54560%
54561We are what we pretend to be.
54562 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
54563%
54564We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
54565%
54566We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
54567 -- Yates
54568%
54569We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
54570technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
54571 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
54572%
54573We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
54574 -- Sir Francis Bacon
54575%
54576We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
54577 -- Calvin Coolidge
54578%
54579We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
54580deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
54581 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
54582%
54583We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
54584 -- Richard Nixon
54585%
54586We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
54587feet and go skating.
54588 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
54589%
54590We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
54591take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
54592forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
54593into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
54594beautiful Universe, Our home.
54595 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
54596%
54597"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
54598 -- Vroomfondel
54599%
54600We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
54601 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
54602%
54603We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
54604%
54605We don't care how they do it in New York.
54606%
54607We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
54608 -- James Watt, noted theologian
54609%
54610We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
54611%
54612We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
54613%
54614We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
54615that it wasn't a fish.
54616 -- Marshall McLuhan
54617%
54618We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
54619 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
54620%
54621We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
54622 -- Pink Floyd
54623%
54624We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
54625We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
54626No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
54627Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
54628Chorus: (Chorus)
54629 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
54630
54631We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
54632We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
54633No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
54634Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
54635(Chorus) (Chorus)
54636 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
54637%
54638We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
54639%
54640We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
54641 -- Walter Summers
54642%
54643We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
54644understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
54645%
54646We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
54647Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
54648visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
54649hammer.
54650 -- Charles Darwin
54651%
54652We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
54653 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
54654%
54655We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
54656 -- La Rochefoucauld
54657%
54658We gotta get out of this place,
54659If it's the last thing we ever do.
54660 -- The Animals
54661%
54662"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
54663hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
54664mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
54665our grave singing Halleluja ..."
54666 -- Monty Python
54667%
54668We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
54669%
54670We have art that we do not die of the truth.
54671 -- Nietzsche
54672%
54673We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
54674%
54675We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
54676levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
54677almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
54678men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
54679Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
54680is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
54681creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
54682redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
54683 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
54684%
54685We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
54686 -- Carl Sagan
54687%
54688We have met the enemy, and he is us.
54689 -- Walt Kelly
54690%
54691We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
54692than from the machinations of the wicked.
54693%
54694We have no scorched earth policy.
54695We have a policy of scorched Communists.
54696 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
54697%
54698We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
54699our children.
54700%
54701We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
54702 -- Margaret Mead
54703%
54704We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
54705back to normal, and that they already have.
54706%
54707We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
54708 -- John Berryman
54709%
54710"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
54711hands for masturbation."
54712 -- Lily Tomlin
54713%
54714We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
54715%
54716We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
54717official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
54718Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
54719you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
54720said "ELECTROCUTION".
54721
54722Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
54723teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
54724process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
54725couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
54726out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
54727stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
54728floor, which is how the police would find you.
54729
54730You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
54731 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
54732%
54733We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
54734%
54735"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
54736star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
54737
54738[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
54739were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
54740character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
54741after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
54742acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
54743letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
54744looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
54745that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
54746should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
54747source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
54748instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
54749publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
54750to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
54751was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
54752temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
54753 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
54754%
54755We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
54756to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
54757Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
54758to crave knowledge.
54759 -- George Will
54760%
54761We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
54762of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
54763the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
54764know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
54765which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
54766about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
54767his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
54768hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
54769pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
54770by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
54771feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
54772 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
54773%
54774We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
54775 -- Eric Hoffer
54776%
54777We love our little Johnny
54778He's the best little boy in all the world
54779And we wouldn't trade him for anything
54780That's how much we love him.
54781No, we couldn't live without him
54782So that's why, since he died,
54783We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
54784He's so good, so well-behaved,
54785Even better than before;
54786Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
54787Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
54788Never miss our little Johnny,
54789He'll never grow up and leave us
54790That's why we love him like we do.
54791 -- Mr. Mincemeat
54792%
54793"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
54794free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
54795show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
54796our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
54797 -- Cameron Hawley
54798%
54799We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
54800than malnutrition.
54801 -- Alex Comfort
54802%
54803We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
54804intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
54805think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
54806best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
54807the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
54808and speak English.
54809 -- Alan M. Turing
54810%
54811We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
54812their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
54813their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor
54814Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
54815nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
54816themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
54817proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
54818we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
54819Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
54820internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
54821of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
54822accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
54823earth.
54824 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
54825%
54826We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
54827popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
54828under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
54829of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
54830filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
54831 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
54832%
54833We may not return the affection of those who like us,
54834but we always respect their good judgement.
54835%
54836...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
54837by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
54838I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
54839brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
54840an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
54841functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
54842uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
54843of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
54844 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
54845%
54846We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
54847of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
54848 -- Saul Alinsky
54849%
54850We must die because we have known them.
54851 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
54852%
54853We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
54854condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
54855the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of
54856chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
54857for chess.
54858 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
54859 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
54860 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
54861 "Stalin," published London, 1939
54862%
54863...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
54864we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
54865in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
54866the past.
54867 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
54868%
54869We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
54870the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
54871is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
54872 -- Walter Lippmann
54873%
54874We must remember the First Amendment which
54875protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
54876 -- F. G. Withington
54877%
54878We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
54879the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
54880children smart.
54881 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
54882%
54883We only acknowledge small faults in order
54884to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
54885 -- LaRouchefoucauld
54886%
54887We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
54888people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
54889For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
54890to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
54891fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
54892primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
54893ugly paneling is to begin with.
54894 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
54895%
54896We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
54897originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
54898forgotten its source.
54899 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
54900%
54901We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
54902rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
54903%
54904We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
54905%
54906We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
54907content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
54908 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
54909%
54910We read to say that we have read.
54911%
54912We really don't have any enemies.
54913It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
54914%
54915We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
54916 -- Thucydides
54917%
54918We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
54919Only non-sense attains perfection.
54920 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
54921%
54922We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
54923 -- Jean de la Bruyere
54924%
54925We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
54926in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
54927stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
54928is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
54929 -- Mark Twain
54930%
54931We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
54932born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
54933out and shot.
54934 -- Strange de Jim
54935%
54936We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
54937taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
54938themselves.
54939 -- John Locke
54940%
54941We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
54942Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
54943 -- Dennis Miller
54944%
54945We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
54946 -- S. I. Hayakawa
54947%
54948We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
54949remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
54950the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
54951the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
54952states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
54953These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
54954want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
54955they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
54956who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
54957 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
54958%
54959We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
54960We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
54961that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
54962%
54963We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
54964ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
54965preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
54966and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
54967of America.
54968%
54969We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
54970size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
54971fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
54972are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
54973
54974EUPHEMISM REALITY
54975------------------- -------------------------
54976Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
54977Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
54978Moody Manic-depressive
54979Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
54980Poet Boring manic-depressive
54981Sultry/Sensual Easy
54982Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
54983Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
54984Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
54985Very human Quasimodo's best friend
54986Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
54987Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
54988Flexible Desperate
54989Aging child Self-centered adult
54990Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
54991Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
54992%
54993We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
54994size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
54995fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
54996are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
54997
54998EUPHEMISM REALITY
54999------------------- -------------------------
55000Independent thinker Crazy
55001High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
55002Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
55003Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
55004Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
55005Cuddly Overweight
55006Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
55007Big and beautiful Really Fat
55008Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
55009Svelte/Slender Anorexic
55010Dynamic Pushy
55011Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
55012Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
55013Demanding Will make your life a living hell
55014Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
55015%
55016We totally deny the allegations, and
55017we're trying to identify the allegators.
55018%
55019We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
55020There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
55021borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
55022 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
55023%
55024[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
55025 -- R. W. Hamming
55026%
55027We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
55028depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
55029 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
55030%
55031We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
55032[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
55033behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
55034but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
55035next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
55036a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
55037The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
55038to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
55039 -- Satchel Paige
55040%
55041We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
55042were married for four and a half years.
55043 -- Nick Faldo
55044%
55045We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
55046%
55047We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
55048If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
55049 -- Crazy Jimmy
55050%
55051We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
55052also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
55053French restaurant. [...]
55054 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
55055white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
55056boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
55057bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
55058rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
55059there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
55060 "Stop the car," the girl said.
55061 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
55062woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
55063arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
55064 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
55065belle's for thee."
55066 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
55067Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
55068onto my granola and faced a new day.
55069 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
55070 Competition
55071%
55072We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
55073tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
55074extinction.
55075 -- S. J. Gould
55076%
55077We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
55078one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
55079%
55080we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
55081we will cry over things we used to laugh &
55082our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
55083creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
55084in the end a summer with wild winds &
55085new friends will be.
55086%
55087We wish you a Hare Krishna
55088We wish you a Hare Krishna
55089We wish you a Hare Krishna
55090And a Sun Myung Moon!
55091 -- Maxwell Smart
55092%
55093WEAPON:
55094 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
55095%
55096Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
55097 -- John Heywood
55098%
55099Wedding, n:
55100 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
55101 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
55102 supportable.
55103 -- Ambrose Bierce
55104%
55105Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
55106%
55107Weed's Axiom:
55108 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
55109 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
55110 least interested and say nothing about the other.
55111%
55112Weekend, where are you?
55113%
55114Weiler's Law:
55115 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
55116himself.
55117%
55118Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
55119rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
55120was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
55121question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
55122
55123Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
55124 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
55125%
55126Weinberg's First Law:
55127 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
55128%
55129Weinberg's Principle:
55130 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
55131 on to the grand fallacy.
55132%
55133Weinberg's Second Law:
55134 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
55135 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
55136 -- Gerald Weinberg
55137%
55138Weiner's Law of Libraries:
55139 There are no answers, only cross references.
55140%
55141Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
55142He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
55143 -- Dean McLaughlin.
55144%
55145Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
55146
55147D G G O
55148
55149O Y A N
55150
55151A D B T
55152
55153K I S P
55154Enter words:
55155>
55156%
55157Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
55158The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
55159 -- Garrison Keillor
55160%
55161Welcome to the Zoo!
55162%
55163Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
55164use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
55165demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
55166sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
55167can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
55168the reader! For example, the sentence
55169
55170 Jane went to the store to buy bread
55171
55172should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
55173sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
55174cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
55175Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
55176of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
55177my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
55178Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
55179standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
55180%
55181Welcome to Utah.
55182If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
55183%
55184Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
55185that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
55186all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
55187James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
55188women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
55189*thousands* of words to say it.
55190 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
55191Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
55192Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
55193what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk
55194as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
55195major world power.
55196 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
55197the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
55198out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
55199 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
55200
55201* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
55202 nature and will kill you.
55203* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
55204 -- Dave Barry
55205%
55206We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
55207night. Live, on the Death label.
55208 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
55209%
55210Well begun is half done.
55211 -- Aristotle
55212%
55213"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
55214no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
55215hundred."
55216 -- The Mahabharata
55217%
55218We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
55219%
55220Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
55221%
55222Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
55223 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
55224 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
55225 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
55226 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
55227 per hour, December 7, 1941.
55228%
55229Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
55230Might as well have put it down the drain.
55231Fancy giving money to the Government!
55232Nobody will see the stuff again.
55233Well, they've no idea what money's for --
55234Ten to one they'll start another war.
55235I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
55236Fancy giving money to the Government!
55237 -- A. P. Herbert
55238%
55239We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
55240%
55241Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
55242to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
55243 -- Laurie Anderson
55244%
55245Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
55246lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
55247governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
55248reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
55249contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
55250will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
55251most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
55252appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
55253morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
55254interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
55255guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
55256the entire show without answering a single question ...
55257 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
55258%
55259Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
55260The headline screamed that I was still alive,
55261I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
55262I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
55263In a little cantina that the boys had found,
55264I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
55265When along came a senorita,
55266She looked so good that I had to meet her,
55267I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
55268When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
55269And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
55270Grow some funk of your own.
55271We no like to with the gringo fight,
55272But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
55273...
55274Take my advice, take the next flight,
55275And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
55276 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
55277%
55278Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
55279back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
55280or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
55281couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
55282 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
55283%
55284"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
55285you believe?!"
55286 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
55287%
55288Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
55289 -- James Thurber
55290%
55291Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
55292rights.
55293 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
55294%
55295Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
55296%
55297We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
55298%
55299WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
55300 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
55301 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
55302%
55303Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
55304And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
55305Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
55306Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
55307But the meanest thing that he ever did,
55308Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
55309...
55310But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
55311I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
55312And kill the man that give me that awful name.
55313It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
55314I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
55315Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
55316At an old saloon on a street of mud,
55317Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
55318Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
55319...
55320Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
55321From a wornout picture that my Mother had,
55322And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
55323 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
55324%
55325Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
55326And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
55327I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
55328I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
55329
55330If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
55331Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
55332'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
55333I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
55334
55335On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
55336But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
55337Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
55338I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
55339 -- Core Dumped Blues
55340%
55341Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
55342bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
55343doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
55344 -- Wayne Pascoe
55345%
55346We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
55347%
55348Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
55349And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
55350But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
55351And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
55352%
55353Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
55354%
55355"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
55356
55357"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
55358coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
55359 -- Dr. Who
55360%
55361Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
55362 -- Joe E. Lewis
55363%
55364We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
55365we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
55366 -- Dave Barry
55367%
55368Well, we'll really have a party,
55369but we've gotta post a guard outside.
55370 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
55371%
55372"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
55373poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
55374and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
55375 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
55376%
55377Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
55378And we're loved everywhere we go.
55379We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
55380At ten thousand dollars a show.
55381We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
55382But the thrill we've never known,
55383Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
55384On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
55385
55386I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
55387Who embroiders on my jeans.
55388I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
55389Drivin' my limousine.
55390Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
55391But our minds won't be really be blown;
55392Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
55393On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
55394
55395We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
55396Who'll do anything we say.
55397We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
55398We got all the friends that money can buy,
55399So we never have to be alone.
55400And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
55401On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
55402 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
55403 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
55404%
55405"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
55406higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you."
55407%
55408WELL-ADJUSTED:
55409 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
55410%
55411We
55412own
55413this land.
55414
55415I don't spend
55416any time
55417on this land.
55418
55419This
55420is a tiny
55421little piece
55422
55423of my
55424business
55425interests.
55426
55427It's like
55428a grain
55429of sand.
55430 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
55431 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
55432 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
55433%
55434We're all in this alone.
55435 -- Lily Tomlin
55436%
55437We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
55438people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
55439Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
55440and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
55441it's not going to do anything for you.
55442 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
55443%
55444We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
55445the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
55446you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
55447in his bowl full of jelly.
55448 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
55449%
55450We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
55451things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
55452and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
55453 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
55454%
55455We're happy little Vegemites,
55456 As bright as bright can be.
55457We all enjoy our Vegemite
55458 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
55459%
55460Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
55461formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
55462shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
55463a grin.
55464 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
55465%
55466We're Knights of the Round Table
55467We dance whene'er we're able
55468We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
55469With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
55470We dine well here in Camelot But many times
55471We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
55472 That are quite unsingable
55473In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
55474Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
55475Between our quests
55476We sequin vests
55477And impersonate Clark Gable
55478It's a busy life in Camelot.
55479I have to push the pram a lot.
55480 -- Monty Python
55481%
55482We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
55483 -- D. W. Robertson.
55484%
55485We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
55486but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
55487then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
55488 -- Ensign Flandry
55489%
55490"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
55491weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
55492the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
55493unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
55494responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
55495desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
55496learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
55497short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
55498 -- Don Juan
55499%
55500We're only in it for the volume.
55501 -- Black Sabbath
55502%
55503Were there no women, men might live like gods.
55504 -- Thomas Dekker
55505%
55506Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
55507%
55508Westheimer's Discovery:
55509 A couple of months in the laboratory can
55510 frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
55511%
55512Wethern's Law:
55513 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
55514%
55515We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
55516of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
55517but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
55518 -- Andy Rooney
55519%
55520We've tried each spinning space mote
55521And reckoned its true worth:
55522Take us back again to the homes of men
55523On the cool, green hills of Earth.
55524
55525The arching sky is calling
55526Spacemen back to their trade.
55527All hands! Standby! Free falling!
55528And the lights below us fade.
55529Out ride the sons of Terra,
55530Far drives the thundering jet,
55531Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
55532Out, far, and onward yet--
55533
55534We pray for one last landing
55535On the globe that gave us birth;
55536Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
55537And the cool, green hills of Earth.
55538 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
55539%
55540Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
55541%
55542What!? Me worry?
55543 -- A. E. Neuman
55544%
55545What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
55546by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
55547Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
55548 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
55549%
55550What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
55551understand what a misfortune it is.
55552 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
55553%
55554What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
55555 -- WOP, "War Games"
55556%
55557What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
55558 -- Christopher Fry
55559%
55560What an artist dies with me!
55561 -- Nero
55562%
55563What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
55564back of a cheque.
55565 -- Brendan Francis
55566%
55567"What are we going to do?"
55568
55569"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
55570something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
55571short initiation period."
55572%
55573What awful irony is this?
55574We are as gods, but know it not.
55575%
55576What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
55577%
55578What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
55579%
55580What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
55581Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
55582You and I know that a burden and a cross,
55583Can only be carried on one man's back.
55584 -- Louden Wainwright III
55585%
55586What did you bring that book I didn't want
55587to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
55588%
55589What did you do when the ship sank?
55590I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
55591%
55592What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
55593is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
55594that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
55595the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
55596live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
55597others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
55598%
55599What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
55600 -- Jerry Lester
55601%
55602What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
55603Not enough sand.
55604%
55605What does education often do?
55606It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
55607 -- Henry David Thoreau
55608%
55609What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
55610%
55611What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
55612win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
55613In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
55614that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
55615simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
55616base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
55617a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
55618activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
55619the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
55620and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
55621words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
55622Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
55623conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
55624Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
55625and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
55626 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
55627%
55628What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
55629 -- Nietzsche
55630%
55631What ever happened to happily ever after?
55632%
55633What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
55634 -- Roger von Oech
55635%
55636What foods these morsels be!
55637%
55638What fools these morals be!
55639%
55640What fools these mortals be.
55641 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
55642%
55643What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
55644%
55645What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
55646%
55647"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
55648that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
55649country. Nice try anyway, George."
55650 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
55651%
55652What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
55653where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
55654%
55655What good is a ticket to the good life,
55656if you can't find the entrance?
55657%
55658What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
55659 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
55660%
55661What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
55662in his footsteps?
55663%
55664What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
55665 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
55666%
55667What happened last night can happen again.
55668%
55669What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
55670involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
55671be pretty bad.
55672 -- Dave Barry
55673%
55674What happens to a dream deferred?
55675Does it dry up
55676Like a raisin in the sun?
55677Or fester like a sore --
55678And then run?
55679Does it stink like rotten meat?
55680Or crust and sugar over --
55681Like a syrupy sweet?
55682
55683Maybe it just sags
55684Like a heavy load.
55685
55686Or does it explode?
55687 -- Langston Hughes
55688%
55689What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
55690%
55691What has roots as nobody sees,
55692Is taller than trees,
55693Up, up it goes,
55694And yet never grows?
55695%
55696What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
55697stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
55698barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
55699from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
55700while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
55701dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
55702powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
55703bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
55704one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
55705lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
55706you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
55707if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
55708that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
55709they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
55710flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
55711 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
55712%
55713What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
55714broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
55715is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
55716 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
55717%
55718What I tell you three times is true.
55719 -- Lewis Carroll
55720%
55721"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
55722sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
55723with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
55724came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
55725parties.
55726 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
55727%
55728What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
55729%
55730What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
55731In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
55732 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
55733%
55734What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
55735Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
55736 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
55737%
55738What if there had been room at the inn?
55739 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
55740%
55741What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
55742 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
55743%
55744What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
55745other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
55746improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
55747boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
55748
55749 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
55750 2. We may not change our programming tools.
55751 3. We may not change our hardware.
55752 4. We may not change our tasks.
55753 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
55754 in which the work has to be done.
55755
55756Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
55757improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
55758
55759Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
55760%
55761What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
55762 -- J. M. Barrie
55763%
55764What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
55765them puke.
55766 -- Steve Martin
55767%
55768What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
55769 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
55770%
55771What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
55772will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
55773weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
55774but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
55775our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
55776What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
55777all the weak: Christianity.
55778 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55779%
55780What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
55781enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
55782out of him.
55783 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
55784%
55785What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
55786an accomplice.
55787 -- Charles Baudelaire
55788%
55789What is love but a second-hand emotion?
55790 -- Tina Turner
55791%
55792What is mind? No matter.
55793What is matter? Never mind.
55794 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
55795%
55796What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
55797 -- William Blake
55798%
55799What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
55800 -- Will Harvey
55801%
55802What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
55803 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
55804%
55805What is status?
55806 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
55807
55808Uh, no...
55809 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
55810 problem with him.
55811
55812Uh, that still ain't right...
55813 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
55814 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
55815 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
55816%
55817What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
55818It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
55819establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
55820%
55821"What is the Nature of God?"
55822
55823 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
55824 1 QT. SOUR CREAM
55825 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
55826 1/2 CUT CHIVES.
55827 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
55828
55829"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
55830 -- Bloom County
55831%
55832What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?
55833 -- Bertold Brecht
55834%
55835What is the sound of one hand clapping?
55836%
55837What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
55838if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
55839 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
55840 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
55841%
55842What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
55843of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
55844is the first law of nature.
55845 -- Voltaire
55846%
55847What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
55848to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
55849may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
55850simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
55851big thumping lie that will then be believed.
55852 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
55853 British civilian morale, 1939
55854%
55855"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
55856which is the exact opposite."
55857 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
55858%
55859What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
55860%
55861"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
55862 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
55863%
55864What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
55865goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
55866 -- Jack Kerouac
55867%
55868What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
55869 -- Adolf Hitler
55870%
55871What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
55872is that there's nothing to compare it with.
55873%
55874What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
55875is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
55876%
55877What makes you think graduate school
55878is supposed to be satisfying?
55879 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
55880%
55881What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
55882%
55883What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
55884is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
55885%
55886What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
55887A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
55888 -- Wilde
55889%
55890What on earth would a man do with himself
55891if something did not stand in his way?
55892 -- H. G. Wells
55893%
55894What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
55895 -- John Lilly
55896%
55897What one fool can do, another can.
55898 -- Ancient Simian Proverb
55899%
55900What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
55901%
55902What pains others pleasures me,
55903At home am I in Lisp or C;
55904There i couch in ecstasy,
55905'Til debugger's poke i flee,
55906Into kernel memory.
55907In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
55908Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
55909%
55910What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
55911 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
55912%
55913What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
55914more than man's transparency.
55915 -- George Nathan
55916%
55917What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
55918It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
55919and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
55920and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
55921women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
55922mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
55923and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
55924 -- Susan Gordon
55925%
55926What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
55927of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
55928were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
55929impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
55930enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
55931till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
55932look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
55933the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
55934discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
55935their grasp before they were five years old.
55936 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
55937%
55938What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
55939 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
55940%
55941What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
55942 -- J. D. Farley
55943%
55944What segment's this, that, laid to rest
55945On FHA0, is sleeping?
55946What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
55947While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
55948 Dump, dump it and type it out,
55949 The file, the highseg of login.
55950Why lies it here, on public disk
55951And why is it now unprotected?
55952A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
55953And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
55954 Dump, dump it and type it out,
55955 The file, the highseg of login.
55956 -- to Greensleeves
55957%
55958What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
55959%
55960What soon grows old? Gratitude.
55961 -- Aristotle
55962%
55963What, still alive at twenty-two,
55964A clean upstanding chap like you?
55965Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
55966Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
55967Like enough, you won't be glad,
55968When they come to hang you, lad:
55969But bacon's not the only thing
55970That's cured by hanging from a string.
55971So, when the spilt ink of the night
55972Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
55973Lads whose job is still to do
55974Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
55975 -- Hugh Kingsmill
55976%
55977What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
55978around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
55979 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
55980%
55981What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
55982%
55983What the hell is it good for?
55984 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
55985 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
55986 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
55987%
55988What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
55989%
55990What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
55991 -- Nikita Khruschev
55992%
55993What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
55994%
55995What they said:
55996 What they meant:
55997
55998"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
55999 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
56000"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
56001 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
56002"I simply can't say enough good things about him."
56003 (What a screw-up.)
56004"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
56005 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
56006"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
56007a long way with his skills."
56008 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
56009"You won't find many people like her."
56010 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
56011"I cannot reccommend him too highly."
56012 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
56013 felony in my presence.)
56014%
56015What they said:
56016 What they meant:
56017
56018"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
56019of him as I do."
56020 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
56021"Her input was always critical."
56022 (She never had a good word to say.)
56023"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
56024 (And it's nonexistent.)
56025"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
56026already has so many outstanding members."
56027 (Unless you already have a moron.)
56028"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
56029one unbelievable result after another."
56030 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
56031"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
56032 (In fact, to life in general...)
56033%
56034What they said:
56035 What they meant:
56036
56037"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
56038 (We certainly never succeeded.)
56039There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
56040 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
56041"Success will never spoil him."
56042 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
56043"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
56044 (And such a sigh of relief.)
56045"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
56046in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
56047 (And his IQ, as well.)
56048"He should go far."
56049 (The farther the better.)
56050"He will take full advantage of his staff."
56051 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
56052%
56053What they say: What they mean:
56054
56055A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
56056Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
56057Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
56058 to unforseen difficulties
56059Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
56060Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
56061 assured grateful for anything at all.
56062Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
56063Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
56064The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
56065 to say something.
56066The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
56067We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
56068 approach kicking it around.
56069A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
56070 we're moving.
56071Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
56072 inconclusive
56073Modifications are underway We're starting over.
56074%
56075What they say: What they mean:
56076
56077New Different colors from previous version.
56078All New Not compatible with previous version.
56079Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
56080Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
56081Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
56082Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
56083Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
56084Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
56085Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
56086Years of Development Finally got one to work.
56087Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
56088Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
56089Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
56090No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
56091Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
56092Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
56093Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
56094Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
56095%
56096What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
56097%
56098What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
56099%
56100What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
56101%
56102What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
56103%
56104What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
56105%
56106What time is it?
56107I don't know, it keeps changing.
56108%
56109What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
56110but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
56111 -- Nietzsche
56112%
56113What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
56114 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
56115%
56116What we Are is God's give to us.
56117What we Become is our gift to God.
56118%
56119What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
56120 -- Wittgenstein
56121%
56122What we do not understand we do not possess.
56123 -- Goethe
56124%
56125What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
56126nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
56127Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
56128launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
56129remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
56130process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
56131be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
56132 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
56133%
56134What we need is either less corruption,
56135or more chance to participate in it.
56136%
56137What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
56138 -- John Lubbock
56139%
56140What we wish, that we readily believe.
56141 -- Demosthenes
56142%
56143What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
561442038 does not bear thinking about.
56145 -- Henry Spencer
56146%
56147What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
56148%
56149What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
56150%
56151What you don't know won't help you much either.
56152 -- D. Bennett
56153%
56154What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
56155your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
56156your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
56157powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
56158with as you will.
56159 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
56160%
56161What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
56162something to occur to you.
56163 -- Robert Frost
56164
56165 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56166 referring to AST's.]
56167%
56168Whatever became of eternal truth?
56169%
56170Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
56171cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
56172nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
56173shredding hundred dollar bills."
56174 -- Herb Caen
56175%
56176Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
56177never succeed.
56178 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
56179%
56180Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
56181performance.
56182 -- Helen Lawrenson
56183%
56184Whatever happened to the good old days
56185when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
56186%
56187Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
56188nailed down.
56189 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
56190%
56191Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
56192Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
56193 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
56194%
56195Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
56196 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
56197%
56198Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
56199 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56200%
56201"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
56202cockroaches!"
56203 -- Mom
56204%
56205Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
56206as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
56207 -- Charlotte Whitton
56208%
56209Whatever you do will be insignificant,
56210but it is very important that you do it.
56211 -- Gandhi
56212%
56213Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
56214other people.
56215 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
56216%
56217Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
56218%
56219What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
56220 -- Robert Altman
56221%
56222What's all this bru-ha-ha?
56223%
56224What's another word for "thesaurus"?
56225 -- Steven Wright
56226%
56227What's done to children, they will do to society.
56228%
56229What's page one, a preemptive strike?
56230 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
56231%
56232What's so funny?
56233%
56234What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
56235with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
56236 -- The Best of Will Rogers
56237%
56238What's the ugliest part of your body?
56239What's the ugliest part of your body?
56240Some say your nose,
56241Some say your toes,
56242But I think it's your mind.
56243 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
56244%
56245"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
56246 -- Dr. Who
56247%
56248What's this stuff about people being "released on their
56249own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
56250%
56251When a Banker jumps out of a window,
56252jump after him -- that's where the money is.
56253 -- Robespierre
56254%
56255When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
56256%
56257When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
56258%
56259When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
56260the principle of the thing," it's the money.
56261 -- Kim Hubbard
56262%
56263When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
56264loop?
56265%
56266When a girl can read the handwriting on
56267the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
56268%
56269When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
56270inattentions of one.
56271 -- Helen Rowland
56272%
56273When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
56274the first lion thinks the last a bore.
56275 -- George Bernard Shaw
56276%
56277When a lot of remedies are suggested for
56278a disease, that means it can't be cured.
56279 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
56280%
56281When a man assumes a public trust, he
56282should consider himself as public property.
56283 -- Thomas Jefferson
56284%
56285When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
56286 -- Samuel Johnson
56287%
56288When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
56289it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
56290 -- Samuel Johnson
56291%
56292When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
56293But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
56294hour. That's relativity.
56295 -- Albert Einstein
56296%
56297When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
56298keep her.
56299 -- Sacha Guitry
56300%
56301When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
56302ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
56303with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
56304liar who has broken his promises.
56305 -- Franklin Adams
56306%
56307When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
56308%
56309When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
56310far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
56311is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
56312 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
56313%
56314When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
56315the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
56316relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
56317 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
56318%
56319When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
56320first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
56321 -- Donnay
56322%
56323When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
56324When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
56325 -- Wilde
56326%
56327When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
56328yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
56329
56330Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
56331out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
56332by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
56333to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
56334that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
56335looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
56336poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
56337him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
56338death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
56339story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
56340the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of
56341paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
56342 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
56343%
56344When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
56345interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
56346honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
56347 -- The Grab Bag
56348%
56349When all else fails, EAT!!!
56350%
56351When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
56352the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
56353knob.
56354 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
56355%
56356When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
56357%
56358When all other means of communication fail, try words.
56359%
56360When among apes, one must play the ape.
56361%
56362When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
56363 -- Mark Twain
56364%
56365"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
56366tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
56367 -- Reuben Flagg
56368%
56369When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
56370 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate.
56371%
56372When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
56373the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
56374 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
56375%
56376When asked the definition of "pi":
56377The Mathematician:
56378 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
56379 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
56380The Physicist:
56381 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
56382The Engineer:
56383 Pi is about 3.
56384%
56385When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
56386%
56387When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
56388 -- Brian Aldiss
56389%
56390When choosing between two evils, I always
56391like to take the one I've never tried before.
56392 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
56393%
56394When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
56395easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
56396handle this?"
56397%
56398When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
56399%
56400When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
56401was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
56402never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
56403declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
56404that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
56405consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
56406 -- Josef Goebbels
56407%
56408When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
56409%
56410When does later become never?
56411%
56412When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
56413Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
56414%
56415When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
56416 -- Gen. C. Abrams
56417%
56418When forecasting, give them a number
56419or give them a date, but never both.
56420%
56421When God endowed human beings with brains,
56422He did not intend to guarantee them.
56423%
56424When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
56425why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
56426 -- DeGourmont
56427%
56428When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
56429inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
56430blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
56431screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
56432stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
56433himself to destruction.
56434 -- George Plimpton
56435%
56436When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
56437to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
56438 -- Brendan Behan
56439%
56440When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
56441He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
56442 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
56443%
56444when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
56445in my sleep.
56446like my grandfather.
56447
56448not screaming,
56449like the passengers in his car...
56450%
56451When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
56452loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
56453barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
56454drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
56455 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
56456onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
56457the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
56458%
56459When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
56460and a willingness to compromise.
56461 -- Weber cartoon caption
56462%
56463When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
56464then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
56465 -- Steven Wright
56466%
56467When I grow up, I want to be an honest
56468lawyer so things like that can't happen.
56469 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
56470%
56471When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
56472shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
56473what you like now."
56474 -- Tolstoy
56475%
56476When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
56477for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
56478 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
56479%
56480When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
56481year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
56482winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
56483 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
56484%
56485When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
56486%
56487When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
56488myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
56489%
56490When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
56491to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
56492 -- Franklyn Ajaye
56493%
56494When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
56495I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
56496to be seen again.
56497 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
56498%
56499When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
56500it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
56501 -- Al Capone
56502%
56503When I think about myself,
56504I almost laugh myself to death,
56505My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
56506A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
56507A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
56508I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
56509When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
56510 I laugh until my stomach ache,
56511 When I think about myself.
56512My folks can make me split my side,
56513I laughed so hard I nearly died,
56514The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
56515They grow the fruit,
56516But eat the rind,
56517I laugh until I start to crying,
56518When I think about my folks.
56519 -- Maya Angelou
56520%
56521When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
56522By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
56523%
56524When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
56525Now I'm beginning to believe it.
56526 -- Clarence Darrow
56527%
56528When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
56529I was an only child... eventually.
56530 -- Stephen Wright
56531%
56532When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
56533take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
56534and get you."
56535 -- Jerry Lewis
56536%
56537When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
56538all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
56539It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
56540 -- Jack Handey
56541%
56542When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
56543woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
56544 -- Robert Schuman
56545%
56546When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
56547I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
56548 -- Steven Wright
56549%
56550When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
56551
56552I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
56553picture that came with the wallet he bought.
56554 -- Rodney Dangerfield
56555%
56556When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
56557say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
56558%
56559When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
56560I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
56561 -- Woody Allen
56562%
56563When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
56564 -- Rodney Dangerfield
56565%
56566When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
56567of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
56568seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
56569always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
56570would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
56571organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
56572The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
56573to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
56574together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
56575 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
56576%
56577When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
56578had to take drugs and go to concerts.
56579 -- Steven Pearl
56580%
56581When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
56582or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
56583remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
56584pieces like this but we all have to do it.
56585 -- Mark Twain
56586%
56587When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
56588slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
56589 -- Steven Wright
56590%
56591When I works, I works hard.
56592When I sits, I sits easy.
56593And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
56594%
56595When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
56596the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
56597the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
56598comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
56599he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
56600questions like a senator.
56601 -- Muhammad Ali
56602%
56603When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
56604 -- Mae West
56605%
56606When in charge ponder,
56607When in doubt mumble,
56608When in trouble delegate.
56609%
56610When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
56611to apologize than to get permission.
56612 -- Grace Murray Hopper
56613%
56614When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
56615%
56616When in doubt, follow your heart.
56617%
56618When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
56619 -- Raymond Chandler
56620%
56621When in doubt, lead trump.
56622%
56623When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
56624 -- James H. Boren
56625%
56626When in doubt, tell the truth.
56627 -- Mark Twain
56628%
56629When in doubt, use brute force.
56630 -- Ken Thompson
56631%
56632When in panic, fear and doubt,
56633Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
56634%
56635When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
56636 -- St. Ambrose
56637%
56638When in this world the headlines read
56639Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
56640Who rob and steal from those who need
56641The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
56642Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
56643Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
56644Fighting all who rob or plunder
56645Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
56646Underdog
56647UNDERDOG!
56648%
56649When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
56650%
56651When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
56652half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
56653%
56654When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
56655%
56656When it is not necessary to make a decision,
56657it is necessary not to make a decision.
56658%
56659When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
56660 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
56661%
56662When license fees are too high,
56663users do things by hand.
56664When the management is too intrusive,
56665users lose their spirit.
56666
56667Hack for the user's benefit.
56668Trust them; leave them alone.
56669%
56670When love is gone, there's always justice.
56671And when justice is gone, there's always force.
56672And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
56673Hi, Mom!
56674 -- Laurie Anderson
56675%
56676When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
56677will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
56678%
56679When Marriage is Outlawed,
56680Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
56681%
56682When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
56683 -- Calvin Coolidge
56684%
56685When my brain begins to reel from my
56686literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
56687 -- Ignatius Reilly
56688%
56689When my fist clenches crack it open,
56690Before I use it and lose my cool.
56691When I smile tell me some bad news,
56692Before I laugh and act like a fool.
56693
56694And if I swallow anything evil,
56695Put you finger down my throat.
56696And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
56697Keep me warm let me wear your coat
56698
56699No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
56700 to be the sad man.
56701Behind blue eyes.
56702No one knows what its like to be hated,
56703 to be fated,
56704To telling only lies.
56705 -- The Who
56706%
56707When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
56708at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
56709think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
56710wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
56711become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
56712Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
56713was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
56714women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
56715a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
56716most unlikely of situations.
56717 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
56718%
56719When neither their poverty nor their honor is
56720touched, the majority of men live content.
56721 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
56722%
56723When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
56724%
56725When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
56726 -- Dylan Thomas
56727%
56728When one knows women one pities men,
56729but when one studies men, one excuses women.
56730 -- Horne Tooke
56731%
56732When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
56733 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56734%
56735When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
56736she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
56737it less and less."
56738 -- Louise Andrews Kent
56739%
56740When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
56741The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
56742And Oxygen still had none
56743Then Oxygen scored a single goal
56744And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
56745Called because of rain.
56746%
56747When people have trouble communicating,
56748the least they can do is to shut up.
56749 -- Tom Lehrer
56750%
56751When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
56752%
56753When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
56754%
56755When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
56756newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
56757was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
56758
56759 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
56760 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
56761 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
56762 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
56763 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
56764 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
56765 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
56766 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
56767%
56768When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
56769every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
56770is away and you get twice as much done.
56771 -- Daniel B. Luten
56772%
56773When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
56774 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
56775%
56776When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
56777big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
56778%
56779When some people discover the truth, they just
56780can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
56781%
56782When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
56783Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
56784Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
56785U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
56786They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
56787But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
56788
56789For might makes right, Members of the corps
56790And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
56791They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
56792 peaceful means.
56793All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
56794Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
56795 We only want the world to know
56796 That we support the status quo;
56797 They love us everywhere we go,
56798 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
56799 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
56800%
56801When someone says "I want a programming language in
56802which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
56803%
56804When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
56805 -- S. Johnson
56806%
56807When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
56808%
56809When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
56810of asterisked sentences:
56811
56812 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
56813 And costs less than $1,300.**
56814
56815In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
56816
56817 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
56818 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
56819 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
56820 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
56821 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
56822
56823 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
56824 you really want to. Or less.
56825 -- Forbes
56826%
56827When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
56828 -- Turkish proverb
56829%
56830When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
56831 -- Chinese proverb
56832%
56833When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
56834about themselves.
56835%
56836When the candles are out all women are fair.
56837 -- Plutarch
56838%
56839When the cup is full, carry it level.
56840%
56841When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
56842 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
56843%
56844When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
56845 -- Billy Sunday
56846%
56847When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
56848muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
56849%
56850When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
56851 -- Lynch
56852%
56853"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
56854 -- Jon Carroll
56855%
56856When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
56857%
56858When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
56859%
56860When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
56861 -- Hunter S. Thompson
56862%
56863When the government bureau's remedies do not match
56864your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
56865%
56866When the Guru administers, the users
56867are hardly aware that he exists.
56868Next best is a sysop who is loved.
56869Next, one who is feared.
56870And worst, one who is despised.
56871
56872If you don't trust the users,
56873you make them untrustworthy.
56874
56875The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
56876When his work is done,
56877the users say, "Amazing:
56878we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
56879%
56880When the leaders speak of peace
56881The common folk know
56882That war is coming
56883When the leaders curse war
56884The mobilization order is already written out.
56885
56886Every day, to earn my daily bread
56887I go to the market where lies are bought
56888Hopefully
56889I take my place among the sellers.
56890 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
56891%
56892When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
56893the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
56894nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
56895 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
56896%
56897When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
56898like a nail.
56899%
56900When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
56901 -- Richard Nixon
56902%
56903When the revolution comes, count your change.
56904%
56905When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
56906if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
56907he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
56908right."
56909 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
56910the wrong joke."
56911%
56912When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
56913metaphysics.
56914 -- Voltaire
56915%
56916When the sun shineth, make hay.
56917 -- John Heywood
56918%
56919When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
56920stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
56921from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
56922were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
56923corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
56924 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
56925%
56926When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
56927he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
56928seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
56929"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
56930stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
56931several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
56932 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
56933what's your name?"
56934 "Samuel," he mumbled.
56935 "And where're you from, Sam?"
56936 "The balcony."
56937%
56938When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
56939plane will fly.
56940 -- Donald Douglas
56941%
56942When the wind is great, bow before it;
56943when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
56944%
56945When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
56946is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
56947 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
56948%
56949When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
56950 -- Balzac
56951%
56952When things go well, expect something to
56953explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
56954%
56955When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
56956insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
56957required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
56958exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
56959 -- George Bernard Shaw
56960%
56961When users see one GUI as beautiful,
56962other user interfaces become ugly.
56963When users see some programs as winners,
56964other programs become lossage.
56965
56966Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
56967High level and assembler depend on each other.
56968Double and float cast to each other.
56969High-endian and low-endian define each other.
56970While and until follow each other.
56971
56972Therefore the Guru
56973programs without doing anything
56974and teaches without saying anything.
56975Warnings arise and he lets them come;
56976processes are swapped and he lets them go.
56977He has but doesn't possess,
56978acts but doesn't expect.
56979When his work is done, he deletes it.
56980That is why it lasts forever.
56981%
56982When we are planning for posterity,
56983we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
56984 -- Thomas Paine
56985%
56986When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
56987anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
56988two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
56989history of war have so few been led by so many.
56990 -- General James Gavin
56991%
56992When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
56993%
56994When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
56995except our fingertips will have been singed.
56996 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
56997%
56998When we write programs that "learn",
56999it turns out we do and they don't.
57000%
57001When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
57002 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
57003%
57004When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
57005when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
57006even our virtues.
57007 -- Balzac
57008%
57009When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
57010 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
57011%
57012When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
57013of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
57014proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
57015goal.
57016 -- Amrom Katz
57017%
57018When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
57019when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
57020 -- St. Ambrose
57021%
57022When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
57023%
57024When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
57025%
57026When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
57027something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
57028your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
57029the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
57030vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
57031eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
57032narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
57033will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
57034But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
57035from, to torture and unsettle us?
57036 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
57037%
57038When you become used to never being alone,
57039you may consider yourself Americanized.
57040%
57041When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
57042%
57043When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
57044 -- Brooke Shields
57045%
57046When you dig another out of trouble,
57047you've got a place to bury your own.
57048%
57049When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
57050%
57051When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
57052%
57053When you find yourself in danger,
57054When you're threatened by a stranger,
57055When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
57056
57057There is one thing you should learn,
57058When there is no one else to turn to,
57059 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
57060 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
57061%
57062When you get what you want in your struggle for self
57063And the world makes you king for a day,
57064Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
57065And see what that man has to say.
57066 For it isn't your father or mother or wife
57067 Whose judgement upon you must pass;
57068 The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
57069 Is the one staring back from the glass.
57070Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
57071And call you a wonderful guy,
57072But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
57073If you can't look him straight in the eye.
57074 He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
57075 For he's with you clear up to the end,
57076 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
57077 If the man in the glass is your friend.
57078You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
57079And get pats on the back as you pass,
57080But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
57081If you've cheated the man in the glass.
57082%
57083When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
57084people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
57085 -- Norm Crosby
57086%
57087When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
57088%
57089When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
57090 -- Harry S. Truman
57091%
57092When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
57093remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
57094 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
57095%
57096When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
57097clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
57098answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
57099acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
57100 -- R. A. Lafferty
57101%
57102When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
57103 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
57104%
57105When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
57106moves the ground from beneath your feet.
57107 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
57108%
57109When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
57110asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
57111know the answer either.
57112 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
57113%
57114When you live in a sick society,
57115just about everything you do is wrong.
57116%
57117When you make your mark in the world,
57118watch out for guys with erasers.
57119 -- The Wall Street Journal
57120%
57121When you meet a master swordsman,
57122show him your sword.
57123When you meet a man who is not a poet,
57124do not show him your poem.
57125 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
57126%
57127When you overesteem great hackers,
57128more users become cretins.
57129When you develop encryption,
57130more users become crackers.
57131
57132The Guru leads
57133by emptying user's minds
57134and increasing their quotas,
57135by weakening their ambition
57136and toughening their resolve.
57137When users lack knowledge and desire,
57138management will not try to interfere.
57139
57140Practice not-looping,
57141and everything will fall into place.
57142%
57143When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
57144you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
57145 -- Otto von Bismarck
57146%
57147When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
57148when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
57149%
57150When you try to make an impression, the
57151chances are that is the impression you will make.
57152%
57153When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
57154%
57155When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
57156When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
57157%
57158When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
57159They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
57160 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
57161%
57162When your memory goes, forget it!
57163%
57164When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
57165 -- Henry J. Kaiser
57166%
57167When you're a Yup
57168You're a Yup all the way
57169From your first slice of Brie
57170To your last Cabernet.
57171
57172When you're a Yup
57173You're not just a dreamer
57174You're making things happen
57175You're driving a Beamer.
57176%
57177When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
57178Wretched, bored, dejected, only
57179Here's the rub, my darling dear,
57180I feel the same when you are hear.
57181 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
57182%
57183When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
57184 -- David Pryce-Jones
57185%
57186When you're dining out and you suspect
57187something's wrong, you're probably right.
57188%
57189When you're down and out, lift up your
57190voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
57191%
57192When you're in command, command.
57193 -- Admiral Nimitz
57194%
57195When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
57196you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
57197of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
57198 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
57199%
57200When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
57201%
57202When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
57203%
57204WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
57205your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
57206 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
57207%
57208WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
57209laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
57210to become a parrot or something.
57211 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
57212%
57213Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
57214 -- Dave Parnas
57215%
57216Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
57217to spend their weekends with?
57218 -- Rita Rudner
57219%
57220Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
57221%
57222Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
57223a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
57224 -- Abraham Lincoln
57225%
57226Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
57227is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
57228Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
57229 -- Jack Handey
57230%
57231Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
57232 -- Oscar Wilde
57233%
57234Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
57235 We people on the pavement looked at him:
57236He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
57237 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
57238And he was always quietly arrayed,
57239 And he was always human when he talked;
57240But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
57241 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
57242And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
57243 And admirably schooled in every grace:
57244In fine, we thought that he was everything
57245 To make us wish that we were in his place.
57246So on we worked, and waited for the light,
57247 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
57248And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
57249 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
57250 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
57251%
57252Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
57253you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
57254%
57255Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
57256you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
57257Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
57258 -- Mark Twain
57259 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
57260%
57261Whenever you find that you are on the
57262side of the majority, it is time to reform.
57263 -- Mark Twain
57264%
57265Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and
57266weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes
57267and perhaps weight 1 1/2 tons.
57268 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
57269%
57270Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
57271%
57272Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
57273%
57274WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
57275 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
57276 When it's converted to energy?
57277 There is a slight loss of parity.
57278 Johnny's so long at the fair.
57279%
57280Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
57281 -- Karl Kraus
57282%
57283Where do you go to get anorexia?
57284 -- Shelley Winters
57285%
57286Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
57287is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
57288 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
57289%
57290Where is John Carson now that we need him?
57291 -- RLG
57292%
57293Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
57294examine the laws of heat.
57295 -- Christopher Morley
57296%
57297Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
57298Why did you leave me here all alone?
57299I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
57300You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
57301
57302Gloom, despair and agony on me.
57303Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
57304If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
57305Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
57306 -- Hee Haw
57307%
57308Where the hell is Wall Drug?
57309%
57310Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
57311%
57312Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
57313in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
57314%
57315Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
57316 -- Goethe
57317%
57318Where there's a whip there's a way.
57319%
57320Where there's a will, there's a relative.
57321%
57322Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
57323%
57324Where will it all end?
57325Probably somewhere near where it all began.
57326%
57327Where you stand depends on where you sit.
57328 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
57329%
57330Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
57331 -- Wittgenstein
57332%
57333Where's the man could ease a heart
57334Like a satin gown?
57335 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
57336%
57337...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
57338spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
57339 -- Richard Shelton
57340%
57341Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
57342Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
57343Go on, do not rest.
57344 -- An old Gujarati hymn
57345%
57346Whether you can hear it or not
57347The Universe is laughing behind your back
57348 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
57349%
57350Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
57351%
57352Which would you rather have, a bursting
57353planet or an earthquake here and there?
57354 -- John Joseph Lynch
57355%
57356While anyone can admit to themselves they were
57357wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
57358%
57359While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
57360The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
57361While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
57362And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
57363Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
57364The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
57365 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
57366 November 26, 1792
57367%
57368While having never invented a sin,
57369I'm trying to perfect several.
57370%
57371While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
57372Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
57373began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
57374lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
57375define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
57376a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
57377 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
57378%
57379While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
57380As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
57381 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
57382
57383 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
57384 referring to hardware interrupts.]
57385
57386And now I see with eye serene
57387The very pulse of the machine.
57388 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
57389
57390 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
57391 referring to software interrupts.]
57392%
57393While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
57394keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
57395 -- Edward Stevenson
57396%
57397While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
57398lets you choose your own form of misery.
57399%
57400While most peoples' opinions change,
57401the conviction of their correctness never does.
57402%
57403While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
57404held a gun to his head.
57405 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
57406 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
57407as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
57408 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
57409 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
57410his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
57411%
57412While there's life, there's hope.
57413 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
57414%
57415While walking down a crowded
57416City street the other day,
57417I heard a little urchin
57418To a comrade turn and say,
57419"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
57420I'd be happy as a clam
57421If only I was de feller dat
57422Me mudder t'inks I am.
57423
57424"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
57425An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
57426Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
57427Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
57428Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
57429How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
57430If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
57431Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
57432 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
57433%
57434While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
57435 -- Dean Rusk
57436%
57437While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
57438still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
57439%
57440While you recently had your problems on the run,
57441they've regrouped and are making another attack.
57442%
57443While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
57444safe, for you can watch both of his.
57445 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57446%
57447Whip it, whip it good!
57448%
57449Whistler's Law:
57450 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
57451%
57452Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
57453%
57454White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
57455%
57456White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
57457so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
57458time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
57459%
57460Whitehead's Law:
57461 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
57462%
57463White's Statement:
57464 Don't lose heart!
57465
57466Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
57467 ...they might want to cut it out...
57468
57469Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
57470 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
57471%
57472Who are you?
57473%
57474Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
57475 -- Nathan Pusey
57476%
57477Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
57478our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
57479%
57480Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
57481 -- Hattie McDaniel
57482%
57483Who does not love wine, women, and song,
57484Remains a fool his whole life long.
57485 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
57486%
57487Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
57488 -- Lao Tsu
57489%
57490Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
57491 -- Thomas Tusser
57492%
57493Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
57494%
57495Who is John Galt?
57496%
57497Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
57498%
57499Who loves me will also love my dog.
57500 -- John Donne
57501%
57502Who loves not wisely but too well
57503Will look on Helen's face in hell,
57504But he whose love is thin and wise
57505Will view John Knox in Paradise.
57506 -- Dorothy Parker
57507%
57508Who made the world I cannot tell;
57509'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
57510My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
57511I never soiled with such a deed.
57512 -- A. E. Housman
57513%
57514Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
57515%
57516Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
57517%
57518Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
57519No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
57520%
57521Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
57522 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
57523%
57524Who to himself is law no law doth need,
57525offends no law, and is a king indeed.
57526 -- George Chapman
57527%
57528Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
57529%
57530Who was that masked man?
57531%
57532Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
57533%
57534"WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!
57535It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!"
57536 -- Zippy the Pinhead
57537%
57538Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
57539%
57540Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
57541become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
57542into you.
57543 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
57544%
57545Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
57546 -- Groucho Marx
57547%
57548Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
57549pure in heart can make a good soup.
57550 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven
57551%
57552Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
57553%
57554"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
57555 -- George Ade
57556%
57557Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
57558%
57559Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
57560%
57561Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
57562 -- Bernard Levin
57563%
57564Who's on first?
57565%
57566Who's scruffy-looking?
57567 -- Han Solo
57568%
57569Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
57570Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
57571%
57572Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
57573 -- Paul Simon
57574%
57575Why are programmers non-productive?
57576Because their time is wasted in meetings.
57577
57578Why are programmers rebellious?
57579Because the management interferes too much.
57580
57581Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
57582Because they are burnt out.
57583
57584Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
57585 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
57586%
57587"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
57588have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
57589 -- Ian Shoales
57590%
57591Why are you so hard to ignore?
57592%
57593Why are you watching
57594The washing machine?
57595I love entertainment
57596So long as it's clean.
57597
57598Professor Doberman:
57599 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
57600pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
57601improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
57602experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
57603must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
57604fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
57605receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
57606been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
57607meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
57608suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
57609implications.
57610%
57611Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
57612 -- Erik Satie
57613%
57614Why be a man when you can be a success?
57615 -- Bertolt Brecht
57616%
57617Why be difficult, when, with just a
57618little more effort, you can be impossible?
57619%
57620Why bother building anymore nuclear
57621warheads until we use the ones we have?
57622%
57623Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
57624%
57625Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
57626movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
57627%
57628Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
57629automation?
57630%
57631Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
57632meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
57633doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
57634corner."
57635%
57636Why do seagulls live near the sea?
57637'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
57638%
57639Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
57640It's quite uncanny.
57641%
57642Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
57643%
57644Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
57645%
57646Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
57647%
57648Why do we want intelligent terminals
57649when there are so many stupid users?
57650%
57651Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
57652 -- Carl Sandburg
57653%
57654Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
57655%
57656Why does man kill? He kills for food.
57657And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
57658 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
57659%
57660Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
57661more lawyers?
57662
57663New Jersey had first choice.
57664%
57665Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
57666 -- Jimmy Durante
57667%
57668Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
57669
57670Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
57671%
57672Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
57673We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
57674we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
57675pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
57676pay the fiddler.
57677 -- The Best of Will Rogers
57678%
57679Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
57680 -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
57681%
57682Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
57683kissed her cow.
57684 -- Rabelais
57685%
57686Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57687
57688I'd LOVE to, but...
57689 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
57690 -- None of my socks match.
57691 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
57692 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
57693 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
57694 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
57695 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
57696 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
57697 named Basil Metabolism.
57698 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
57699 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
57700 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
57701 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
57702 -- I feel a song coming on.
57703%
57704Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57705
57706I'd LOVE to, but...
57707 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
57708 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
57709 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
57710 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
57711 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
57712 -- My subconscious says no.
57713 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
57714 can't seem to put it down.
57715 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
57716 -- I have to study for my blood test.
57717 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
57718 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
57719 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
57720%
57721Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57722
57723I'd LOVE to, but...
57724 -- I have to floss my cat.
57725 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
57726 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
57727 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
57728 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
57729 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
57730 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
57731 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
57732 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
57733 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
57734%
57735Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57736
57737I'd LOVE to, but...
57738 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
57739 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
57740 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
57741 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
57742 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
57743 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
57744 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
57745 -- I have to bleach my hare.
57746 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
57747 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
57748%
57749Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57750
57751I'd LOVE to, but...
57752 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
57753 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
57754 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
57755 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
57756 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
57757 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
57758 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
57759 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
57760 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
57761 -- My crayons all melted together.
57762%
57763Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57764
57765I'd LOVE to, but ...
57766 -- I have to floss my cat.
57767 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
57768 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
57769 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
57770 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
57771 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
57772 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
57773 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
57774 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
57775 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
57776 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
57777 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
57778%
57779Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
57780%
57781Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
57782%
57783Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
57784It is because we are not the person involved.
57785 -- Mark Twain
57786%
57787Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
57788 -- Stephen Wright
57789%
57790Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
57791 -- Lily Tomlin
57792%
57793Why isn't there some cheap and easy
57794way to prove how much she means to me?
57795%
57796"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
57797you knowing nothing?"
57798 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
57799%
57800Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
57801are another's.
57802 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
57803%
57804Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
57805not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
57806Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
57807do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
57808me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
57809I can't think why not.
57810 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
57811 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
57812%
57813Why not go out on a limb?
57814Isn't that where the fruit is?
57815%
57816Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
57817Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
57818children open their old-fashioned presents.
57819
57820Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
57821
57822You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
57823 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
57824
57825Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
57826 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
57827 and I get this cretin TOP?"
57828
57829Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
57830
57831You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
57832
57833Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
57834 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
57835%
57836Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
57837fresh one for a quarter of the price?
57838%
57839Why was I born with such contemporaries?
57840 -- Oscar Wilde
57841%
57842Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
57843wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
57844unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
57845not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
57846beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
57847incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
57848into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
57849needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
57850origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
57851we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal
57852parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
57853eternity for his faithlessness.
57854 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
57855 Fortnightly Review, 1876
57856%
57857Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
57858 -- Tom Ryan
57859%
57860Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
57861%
57862Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
57863 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
57864when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
57865direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
57866 -- John L. Shelton
57867%
57868Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
57869 -- The Tasmanian Devil
57870%
57871Wiker's Law:
57872 Government expands to absorb all
57873 available revenue and then some.
57874%
57875Wilcox's Law:
57876 A pat on the back is only a few
57877 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
57878%
57879Will Rogers never met you.
57880%
57881Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
57882That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
57883%
57884Will your long-winded speeches never end?
57885What ails you that you keep on arguing?
57886 -- Job 16:3
57887%
57888Williams and Holland's Law:
57889 If enough data is collected,
57890 anything may be proven by statistical methods.
57891%
57892Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
57893See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
57894Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
57895Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
57896
57897Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
57898Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
57899Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
57900Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
57901
57902William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
57903Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
57904Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
57905"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
57906 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
57907%
57908Wilner's Observation:
57909 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
57910%
57911Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
57912 -- Vince Lombardi
57913%
57914Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
57915%
57916Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
57917If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
57918head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
57919 -- Stephen Wright
57920%
57921Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
57922 -- Robert Byrne
57923%
57924Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
57925as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
57926%
57927[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
57928hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
57929 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
57930%
57931Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
57932 -- J. Winter Smith
57933%
57934Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
57935%
57936Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
57937 -- Frank Tyger
57938%
57939Wit, n.:
57940 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
57941 by leaving it out.
57942 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57943%
57944With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
57945try to be a fraud and a half.
57946 -- Otto von Bismarck
57947%
57948With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
57949 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
57950%
57951With all the fancy scientists in the world,
57952why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
57953%
57954With all the talent around, it's sort of
57955amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
57956 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
57957%
57958With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
57959%
57960With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
57961they make a law it's a joke.
57962 -- W. Rogers
57963%
57964With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
57965miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
57966and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
57967is no such thing as progress.
57968 -- Ransom K. Ferm
57969%
57970With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
57971she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
57972 -- Tolstoy
57973%
57974With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
57975%
57976With reasonable men I will reason;
57977with humane men I will plead;
57978but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
57979 -- William Lloyd Garrison
57980%
57981With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
57982celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
57983party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
57984eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
57985parties.
57986 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
57987strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
57988your G.P.A.?"
57989 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
57990the city and forty on the highway."
57991%
57992With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
57993it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
57994close. Like catching snakes.
57995 -- Marlon Brando
57996%
57997Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
57998%
57999Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
58000community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
58001keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
58002Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
58003we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
58004I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
58005them again -- and this time we'd use it.
58006 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
58007 White House's National Security Council, Washington
58008 Post, 21 March, 1982
58009%
58010Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
58011 -- Alfred North Whitehead
58012%
58013Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
58014way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
58015indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
58016important to him than his table or his white robe.
58017 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
58018%
58019Without fools there would be no wisdom.
58020%
58021Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
58022%
58023Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
58024%
58025Without love intelligence is dangerous;
58026without intelligence love is not enough.
58027 -- Ashley Montagu
58028%
58029With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
58030 -- Pink Floyd
58031%
58032Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
58033Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
58034The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
58035 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
58036%
58037Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
58038bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
58039Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
58040%
58041WOLF:
58042 A man who knows all the ankles.
58043%
58044WOMAN:
58045 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
58046 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
58047 -- Bierce
58048%
58049Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
58050Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
58051%
58052Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
58053 -- Dumas
58054%
58055Woman is generally so bad that the difference
58056between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
58057 -- Tolstoy
58058%
58059Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
58060Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
58061 I shall be sober in the morning.
58062%
58063Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
58064out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
58065equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
58066that he might love her.
58067 -- Henry
58068%
58069Woman would be more charming if one could
58070fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
58071 -- DeGourmont
58072%
58073Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
58074 -- Cervantes
58075%
58076Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
58077 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
58078 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
58079 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
58080 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
58081 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
58082 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
58083 -- Rich Kulawiec
58084%
58085Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
58086they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
58087 -- Warren Beatty
58088%
58089Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
58090once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
58091marriage certificates, and defy you.
58092 -- Jerrold
58093%
58094Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
58095from charity, or revenge?
58096 -- Gustave Vapereau
58097%
58098Women are just like men, only different.
58099%
58100Women are like elephants to me: I like to
58101look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
58102 -- W.C. Fields
58103%
58104Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
58105 -- Herold
58106%
58107Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
58108 -- Napoleon
58109%
58110Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
58111 -- Stephens
58112%
58113Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
58114 -- Pogo
58115%
58116Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
58117but it takes more of them to do it.
58118%
58119Women come and go, but BSD is forever.
58120 -- Derek Young
58121%
58122Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
58123categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
58124 -- Ann Landers
58125%
58126Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
58127as good as any other.
58128 -- Philippe De Remi
58129%
58130Women give themselves to God when the
58131Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
58132 -- Arnould
58133%
58134Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
58135but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
58136 -- Wilde
58137%
58138Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
58139crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
58140 -- Ansey
58141%
58142Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
58143In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
58144original earth clinging to the roots.
58145 -- Bierce
58146%
58147Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
58148than men who reason with the head.
58149 -- DeLescure
58150%
58151Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
58152but never a man who misses one.
58153 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
58154%
58155Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
58156us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
58157 -- Wilde
58158%
58159Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
58160them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
58161than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
58162 -- Mort Sahl
58163%
58164Women waste men's lives and think they have
58165indemnified them by a few gracious words.
58166 -- Balzac
58167%
58168Women, when they are not in love, have all
58169the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
58170 -- Balzac
58171%
58172Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
58173always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
58174 -- Balzac
58175%
58176Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
58177%
58178Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
58179not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
58180graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
58181 -- Amiel
58182%
58183Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
58184%
58185Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
58186 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
58187%
58188Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
58189and philosophy begins in wonder.
58190 Socrates, quoting Plato
58191%
58192Wonderful day.
58193Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
58194%
58195Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
58196you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
58197down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
58198tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
58199long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
58200there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
58201come back.
58202
58203Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
58204when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
58205Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
58206cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
58207heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
58208beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
58209and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
58210although their insurance rates went way up.
58211 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
58212%
58213Woodward's Law:
58214 A theory is better than its explanation.
58215%
58216Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
58217Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
58218 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
58219 -- Cheers, Airport V
58220
58221Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
58222Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
58223 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
58224
58225Sam: Beer, Norm?
58226Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
58227 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
58228%
58229Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
58230Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
58231 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
58232
58233Sam: What are you up to Norm?
58234Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
58235 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
58236
58237Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
58238Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
58239 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
58240%
58241Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
58242Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
58243 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
58244
58245Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
58246 swallowed the canary.
58247Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
58248 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
58249
58250Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
58251Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
58252 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
58253%
58254Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
58255Norm: The warranty on my liver.
58256 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
58257
58258Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
58259Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
58260 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
58261
58262Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
58263Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
58264 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
58265%
58266Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
58267Norm: Poor.
58268Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
58269Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
58270 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
58271
58272Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
58273Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
58274 -- Cheers, The Proposal
58275
58276Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
58277Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
58278 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
58279%
58280Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
58281Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
58282 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
58283
58284Sam: How's life treating you?
58285Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
58286 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
58287
58288Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
58289Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
58290Woody: For a beer?
58291Norm: No, for stupid questions.
58292 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
58293%
58294Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
58295Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
58296 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
58297
58298Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
58299Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
58300 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
58301
58302Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
58303Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
58304 Eh, make that one-thirty.
58305 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
58306%
58307Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
58308 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
58309 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
58310%
58311Words are the voice of the heart.
58312%
58313Words can never express what words can never express.
58314%
58315Words have a longer life than deeds.
58316 -- Pindar
58317%
58318Words must be weighed, not counted.
58319%
58320WORK:
58321 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
58322 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
58323%
58324Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
58325Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
58326 -- Mark Twain
58327%
58328Work continues in this area.
58329 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
58330%
58331Work expands to fill the time available.
58332 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
58333%
58334Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
58335the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
58336to do so.
58337 -- Bertrand Russell
58338%
58339Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
58340 -- Schulz
58341%
58342Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
58343 -- Mike Romanoff
58344%
58345Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
58346a handshake, and have fun.
58347 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
58348 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
58349%
58350Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
58351 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
58352any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
58353should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
58354and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
58355bargained for.
58356%
58357Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
58358%
58359Work without a vision is slavery,
58360Vision without work is a pipe dream,
58361But vision with work is the hope of the world.
58362%
58363Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
58364chairs.
58365%
58366Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
58367a valentine.
58368 -- Christopher Plummer
58369%
58370World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
58371since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
58372thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
58373-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
58374together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
58375error in the world."
58376 -- Sydney Harris
58377%
58378World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
58379dress code!
58380%
58381Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
58382It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
58383%
58384Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
58385 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
58386 -- Steve Rubenstein
58387%
58388Worst Month of the Year:
58389 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
58390 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
58391 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
58392 -- Steve Rubenstein
58393%
58394Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
58395 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
58396in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
58397damage my videotapes?"
58398%
58399Worst Vegetable of the Year:
58400 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
58401 -- Steve Rubenstein
58402%
58403Worth seeing?
58404Yes, but not worth going to see.
58405%
58406Worthless.
58407 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
58408 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
58409 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
58410 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
58411 15, 1842.
58412%
58413WOTD:
58414
58415 `
58416
58417%
58418Would it help if I got out and pushed?
58419 -- Princess Leia Organa
58420%
58421Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
58422 -- Alfieri
58423%
58424Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
58425%
58426Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
58427 -- John Heywood
58428%
58429Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
58430%
58431Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
58432%
58433Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
58434%
58435Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
58436stuff ...
58437 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg
58438 trial testimony, 1947
58439%
58440Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
58441 -- George Carlin
58442%
58443"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
58444"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
58445 -- Lewis Carroll
58446%
58447Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
58448a turn-on?
58449 -- "Broadcast News"
58450%
58451Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
58452 -- Mark Twain
58453%
58454Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
58455 -- Anonymous
58456%
58457Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
58458%
58459write-protect tab, n:
58460 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
58461 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
58462 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
58463 inconvenience.
58464 -- Robb Russon
58465%
58466Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
58467witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
58468from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
58469Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
58470and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
58471make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
58472century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
58473Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
58474PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
58475holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
58476is itself the one hope for salvation.
58477 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
58478%
58479Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
58480 -- Frank Zappa
58481%
58482Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
58483%
58484Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
58485paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
58486 -- Gene Fowler
58487%
58488Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
58489 -- J. P. Donleavy
58490%
58491Writing software is more fun than working.
58492%
58493WRONG!
58494%
58495"Wrong," said Renner.
58496
58497"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
58498the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
58499%
58500WYSIWYG:
58501 What You See Is What You Get.
58502%
58503X windows:
58504 Accept any substitute.
58505 If it's broke, don't fix it.
58506 If it ain't broke, fix it.
58507 Form follows malfunction.
58508 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
58509 The trailing edge of software technology.
58510 Armageddon never looked so good.
58511 Japan's secret weapon.
58512 You'll envy the dead.
58513 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
58514 Let it get in YOUR way.
58515 The problem for your problem.
58516 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
58517 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
58518 Simplicity made complex.
58519 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
58520 Flakey and built to stay that way.
58521
58522One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
58523 X windows.
58524%
58525X windows:
58526 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
58527 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
58528 Built to take on the world... and lose!
58529 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
58530 Power tools for Power Fools.
58531 Putting new limits on productivity.
58532 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
58533 Design by counterexample.
58534 A new level of software disintegration.
58535 No hardware is safe.
58536 Do your time.
58537 Rationalization, not realization.
58538 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
58539 Gratuitous incompatibility.
58540 Your mother.
58541 THE user interference management system.
58542 You can't argue with failure.
58543 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
58544
58545The environment of today... tomorrow!
58546 X windows.
58547%
58548X windows:
58549 Something you can be ashamed of.
58550 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
58551 The first fully modular software disaster.
58552 Rome was destroyed in a day.
58553 Warn your friends about it.
58554 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
58555 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
58556 Don't wait for the movie.
58557 Never use it after a big meal.
58558 Need we say less?
58559 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
58560 It'll make your day.
58561 Don't get frustrated without it.
58562 Power tools for power losers.
58563 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
58564 Never had it. Never will.
58565 The software with no visible means of support.
58566 More than just a generation behind.
58567
58568Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
58569 X windows.
58570%
58571X windows:
58572 The ultimate bottleneck.
58573 Flawed beyond belief.
58574 The only thing you have to fear.
58575 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
58576 On autopilot to oblivion.
58577 The joke that kills.
58578 A disgrace you can be proud of.
58579 A mistake carried out to perfection.
58580 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
58581 To err is X windows.
58582 Ignorance is our most important resource.
58583 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
58584 Built to fall apart.
58585 Nullifying centuries of progress.
58586 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
58587 The last thing you need.
58588 The defacto substandard.
58589
58590Elevating brain damage to an art form.
58591 X windows.
58592%
58593X windows:
58594 We will dump no core before its time.
58595 One good crash deserves another.
58596 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
58597 We make excuses.
58598 It didn't even look good on paper.
58599 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
58600 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
58601 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
58602 It could happen to you.
58603 The art of incompetence.
58604 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
58605 When uselessness just isn't enough.
58606 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
58607 When you can't afford to be right.
58608 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
58609
58610If it works, it isn't X windows.
58611%
58612X windows:
58613 You'd better sit down.
58614 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
58615 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
58616 Live the nightmare.
58617 Our bugs run faster.
58618 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
58619 There ARE no rules.
58620 You'll wish we were kidding.
58621 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
58622 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
58623 There's got to be a better way.
58624 The next best thing to keypunching.
58625 Leave the thrashing to us.
58626 We wrote the book on core dumps.
58627 Even your dog won't like it.
58628 More than enough rope.
58629 Garbage at your fingertips.
58630
58631Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
58632 X windows.
58633%
58634Xerox does it again and again and again and...
58635%
58636Xerox never comes up with anything original.
58637%
58638XEROX never does anything original.
58639%
58640XI:
58641 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
58642 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
58643 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
58644 the managers would fly off.
58645XII:
58646 It costs a lot to build bad products.
58647XIII:
58648 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
58649 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
58650 intermingle the two.
58651XIV:
58652 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
58653 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
58654 of every airplane's weight.
58655XV:
58656 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
58657 and two-thirds of the problems.
58658 -- Norman Augustine
58659%
58660XIIdigitation, n.:
58661 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
58662by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
58663 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
58664%
58665XLI:
58666 The more one produces, the less one gets.
58667XLII:
58668 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
58669XLIII:
58670 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
58671XLIV:
58672 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
58673 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
58674 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
58675XLV:
58676 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
58677 unexpected should have been expected.
58678XLVI:
58679 A billion saved is a billion earned.
58680 -- Norman Augustine
58681%
58682XLVII:
58683 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
58684 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
58685XLVIII:
58686 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
58687 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
58688 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
58689 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
58690XLIX:
58691 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
58692L:
58693 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
58694 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
58695 as long as the official's who created it.
58696LI:
58697 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
58698 government workers than there are workers.
58699LII:
58700 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
58701 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
58702 -- Norman Augustine
58703%
58704XML is a giant step in no direction at all.
58705 -- Erik Naggum
58706%
58707XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using
58708enough of it.
58709 -- XML guru Chris Maden
58710%
58711X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
58712they leave to the imagination is the plot.
58713%
58714XVI:
58715 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
58716 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
58717 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
58718 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
58719XVII:
58720 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
58721 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
58722XVIII:
58723 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
58724 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
58725 ten degradation accomplished.
58726XIX:
58727 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
58728 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
58729XX:
58730 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
58731 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
58732 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
58733 -- Norman Augustine
58734%
58735XXI:
58736 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
58737XXII:
58738 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
58739 not selling advice.
58740XXIII:
58741 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
58742 currently estimated.
58743XXIV:
58744 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
58745 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
58746 costly action known to man.
58747XXV:
58748 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
58749 or a new canvas to an artist.
58750 -- Norman Augustine
58751%
58752XXVI:
58753 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
58754 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
58755XXVII:
58756 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
58757XXVIII:
58758 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
58759XXIX:
58760 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
58761 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
58762 hang on about half a decade.
58763XXX:
58764 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
58765 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
58766 -- Norman Augustine
58767%
58768XXXI:
58769 The optimum committee has no members.
58770XXXII:
58771 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
58772 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
58773XXXIII:
58774 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
58775XXXIV:
58776 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
58777 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
58778 randomly.
58779XXXV:
58780 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
58781 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
58782 the data authenticity.
58783 -- Norman Augustine
58784%
58785XXXVI:
58786 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
58787 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
58788 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
58789 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
58790XXXVII:
58791 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
58792 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
58793XXXVIII:
58794 The early bird gets the worm.
58795 The early worm ... gets eaten.
58796XXXIX:
58797 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
58798 the year -- in either direction.
58799XL:
58800 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
58801 -- Norman Augustine
58802%
58803Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
58804%
58805Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
58806goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
58807their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
58808unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
58809doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
58810 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
58811%
58812Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
58813rays and became a tangent ?
58814%
58815Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
58816 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
58817%
58818Yea from the table of my memory
58819I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
58820 -- Hamlet
58821%
58822Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
58823fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
58824operators together.
58825 -- Steve Higgins
58826%
58827"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
58828%
58829Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
58830%
58831Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
58832a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
58833%
58834Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
58835the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
58836a private eye.
58837 -- Calvin
58838%
58839Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
58840but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
58841%
58842YEAR:
58843 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
58844%
58845Year Name James Bond Book
58846---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
5884750's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
588481962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
588491963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
588501964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
588511965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
588521967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
588531967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
588541969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
588551971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
588561973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
588571974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
588581977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
588591979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
588601981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
588611983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
588621983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
588631985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
588641987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
58865 * -- Not a Broccoli production.
58866%
58867Year, n.:
58868 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
58869 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
58870%
58871Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
58872%
58873Yes, but which self do you want to be?
58874%
58875Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat.
58876 -- James D. Nicoll
58877%
58878Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
58879L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
58880 -- Rita Rudner
58881%
58882Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
58883And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
58884Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
58885But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
58886Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
58887I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
58888 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
58889%
58890Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
58891the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
58892 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
58893%
58894Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
58895that order.
58896 -- George Michaelson
58897%
58898Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
58899Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
58900Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
58901 -- Snoopy
58902%
58903Yesterday upon the stair
58904I met a man who wasn't there.
58905He wasn't there again today --
58906I think he's from the CIA.
58907%
58908Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
58909astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
58910I'm not respectable.
58911 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
58912%
58913Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
58914feet.
58915 -- John Cheever
58916%
58917Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
58918 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
58919%
58920Yinkel, n.:
58921 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
58922 hoping no one will notice.
58923 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
58924%
58925You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
58926%
58927You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
58928spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
58929%
58930You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
58931%
58932You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
58933%
58934You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
58935use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
58936the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
58937moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
58938%
58939You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
58940%
58941You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
58942 -- Philip Whalen
58943%
58944You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
58945 -- Sherlock Holmes
58946%
58947You are always busy.
58948%
58949You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
58950%
58951You are an insult to my intelligence!
58952I demand that you log off immediately.
58953%
58954You are as I am with You.
58955%
58956You are capable of planning your future.
58957%
58958You are confused; but this is your normal state.
58959%
58960You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
58961%
58962You are destined to become the commandant of the
58963fighting men of the department of transportation.
58964%
58965You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
58966%
58967You are fairminded, just and loving.
58968%
58969You are false data.
58970%
58971You are farsighted, a good planner,
58972an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
58973%
58974You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
58975%
58976You are going to have a new love affair.
58977%
58978You are here:
58979 ***
58980 ***
58981 *********
58982 *******
58983 *****
58984 ***
58985 *
58986
58987 But you're not all there.
58988%
58989You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
58990%
58991You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
58992%
58993You are in the hall of the mountain king.
58994%
58995You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
58996%
58997You are loved by the multitudes.
58998Have you been to the clinic lately?
58999%
59000You are magnetic in your bearing.
59001%
59002You are never given a wish without also being given the
59003power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
59004 -- R. Bach,
59005 "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
59006%
59007You are not a fool just because you have done
59008something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
59009%
59010You are not dead yet.
59011But watch for further reports.
59012%
59013You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
59014forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
59015avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
59016 -- Ambrose Bierce
59017%
59018You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
59019Please set your clocks back 200 years.
59020%
59021You are number 6! Who is number one?
59022%
59023"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
59024 "All your papers these days look the same;
59025Those William's would be better unread --
59026 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
59027
59028"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
59029 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
59030But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
59031 Made it pointless to think any more."
59032%
59033"You are old, father William," the young man said,
59034 "And your hair has become very white;
59035And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
59036 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
59037
59038"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
59039 "I feared it might injure the brain;
59040But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
59041 Why, I do it again and again."
59042 -- Lewis Carroll
59043%
59044"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
59045 That your lectures bore people to death.
59046Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
59047 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
59048
59049"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
59050 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
59051Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
59052 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
59053%
59054"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
59055 For anything tougher than suet;
59056Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
59057 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
59058
59059"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
59060 And argued each case with my wife;
59061And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
59062 Has lasted the rest of my life."
59063 -- Lewis Carroll
59064%
59065"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
59066 And there isn't one language you like;
59067Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
59068 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
59069
59070"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
59071 "Every language looks equally bad;
59072Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
59073 And don't realize that they've been had."
59074%
59075"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
59076 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
59077Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
59078 Pray what is the reason of that?"
59079
59080"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
59081 "I kept all my limbs very supple
59082By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
59083 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
59084 -- Lewis Carroll
59085%
59086"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
59087 And make errors few people could bear;
59088You complain about everyone's English but yours --
59089 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
59090
59091"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
59092 "But my stature these days is so great
59093That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
59094 And to stop me it's now far too late."
59095%
59096"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
59097 That your eye was as steady as ever;
59098Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
59099 What made you so awfully clever?"
59100
59101"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
59102 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
59103Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
59104 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
59105 -- Lewis Carroll
59106%
59107You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
59108%
59109You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
59110Therefore you have few friends.
59111%
59112You are sick, twisted and perverted.
59113I like that in a person.
59114%
59115You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
59116%
59117"You are *so* lovely."
59118"Yes."
59119"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
59120%
59121You are standing on my toes.
59122%
59123You are taking yourself far too seriously.
59124%
59125You are the only person to ever get this message.
59126%
59127You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
59128points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
59129attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
59130chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
59131gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
59132rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
59133trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
59134vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
59135long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
59136dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
59137head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
59138are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
59139transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
59140to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
59141
59142You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
59143That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
59144To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
59145%
59146You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
59147but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
59148%
59149You ask what a nice girl will do?
59150She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
59151 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
59152%
59153You attempt things that you do not even plan
59154because of your extreme stupidity.
59155%
59156You auto buy now.
59157%
59158"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
59159"Sure. Whaddya got?"
59160 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
59161%
59162You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
59163%
59164You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
59165peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
59166municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
59167courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
59168supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
59169reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
59170between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
59171than a twenty-dollar bill.
59172 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
59173%
59174You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
59175 -- Tim Leary
59176%
59177You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
59178%
59179You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
59180incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
59181Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
59182to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
59183nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
59184they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
59185some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
59186
59187The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
59188pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
59189safety glasses.
59190 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
59191%
59192You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
59193They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
59194%
59195You can approach truth, but never capture it.
59196Lies can be had 'round the corner.
59197 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
59198%
59199You can be replaced by this computer.
59200%
59201You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
59202 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
59203%
59204You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
59205doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
59206 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
59207%
59208You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
59209know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
59210they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
59211they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
59212 -- Quentin Genter
59213%
59214You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
59215 -- Boris Yeltsin
59216%
59217You can cage a swallow, can't you,
59218 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
59219Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
59220 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
59221A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
59222 -- The Palindromist
59223%
59224You can create your own opportunities this week.
59225Blackmail a senior executive.
59226%
59227You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
59228 -- Janis Joplin
59229%
59230You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
59231Why do you find that funny?
59232 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
59233%
59234You can do very well in speculation where
59235land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
59236%
59237You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
59238%
59239You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
59240and the budget is big enough.
59241 -- Joseph E. Levine
59242%
59243You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
59244of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
59245%
59246You can fool some of the people all of the time,
59247and all of the people some of the time,
59248but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
59249%
59250You can fool some of the people some of the time,
59251and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
59252%
59253You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
59254%
59255You can get everything in life you want,
59256if you will help enough other people get what they want.
59257%
59258You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
59259can with just a kind word.
59260 -- Bumper Sticker
59261%
59262You can get much further with a kind word and a
59263gun than you can with a kind word alone.
59264 -- Al Capone
59265 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
59266%
59267You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
59268%
59269You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
59270%
59271You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
59272You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
59273
59274(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
59275 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
59276
59277You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
59278You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
59279(chorus)
59280
59281You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
59282You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
59283(chorus)
59284%
59285You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
59286if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
59287your dog.
59288 -- foolin' around
59289%
59290You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
59291Don't ever count on having both at once.
59292 -- Lazarus Long
59293%
59294You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
59295 -- Joe Valachi
59296%
59297You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
59298for instance.
59299 -- Franklin P. Jones
59300%
59301You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
59302%
59303You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
59304the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
59305 -- Alan Perlis
59306%
59307You can move the world with an idea,
59308but you have to think of it first.
59309%
59310You can never do just one thing.
59311 -- Hardin
59312%
59313You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
59314%
59315You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
59316 -- Jeannette Rankin
59317%
59318You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
59319 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
59320
59321What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
59322 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
59323
59324You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
59325 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
59326%
59327You can now buy more gates with less
59328specifications than at any other time in history.
59329 -- Kenneth Parker
59330%
59331You can observe a lot just by watching.
59332 -- Yogi Berra
59333%
59334You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
59335%
59336You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
59337%
59338You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
59339decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
59340over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
59341 -- F. Allen
59342%
59343You can tell how far we have to go,
59344when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
59345 -- Steven Feiner
59346%
59347You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
59348 -- Norman Douglas
59349%
59350You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
59351%
59352You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
59353 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
59354%
59355You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
59356I've got to have thirty minutes!
59357%
59358You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
59359%
59360You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
59361But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
59362 -- Nathalia Crane
59363%
59364You cannot have a science without measurement.
59365 -- R. W. Hamming
59366%
59367You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
59368%
59369You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
59370%
59371You cannot see the wood for the trees.
59372 -- John Heywood
59373%
59374You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
59375 -- Indira Gandhi
59376%
59377You cannot use your friends and have them too.
59378%
59379You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
59380%
59381You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
59382%
59383You can't cheat an honest man, never give
59384a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
59385 -- W.C. Fields
59386%
59387You can't cheat the phone company.
59388%
59389You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
59390%
59391You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
59392 -- Richard Nixon, 1952
59393%
59394You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
59395 -- Peter Frampton
59396%
59397You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
59398 -- H. H. Munro
59399%
59400"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
59401Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
59402she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
59403children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
59404 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
59405%
59406You can't fall off the floor.
59407%
59408You can't get there from here.
59409%
59410You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
59411%
59412You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
59413 -- Steven Wright
59414%
59415You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
59416 -- Ayn Rand
59417%
59418You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
59419 -- Booker T. Washington
59420%
59421You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
59422%
59423You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
59424%
59425You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
59426only sooner than she thought you would.
59427%
59428You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
59429is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
59430 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
59431%
59432"You can't make a program without broken egos."
59433%
59434You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
59435%
59436You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
59437 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
59438%
59439You can't push on a string.
59440%
59441You can't run away forever,
59442But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
59443 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
59444%
59445You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
59446new way.
59447 -- Will Rogers
59448%
59449You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
59450You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
59451 -- Lauren Bacall
59452%
59453"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
59454 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
59455 Over and Over"
59456%
59457You can't take damsel here now.
59458%
59459You can't take it with you --
59460especially when crossing a state line.
59461%
59462You can't teach people to be lazy --
59463either they have it, or they don't.
59464 -- Dagwood Bumstead
59465%
59466You can't underestimate the power of fear.
59467 -- Tricia Nixon Cox
59468%
59469You climb to reach the summit, but once
59470there, discover that all roads lead down.
59471 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
59472%
59473You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
59474didn't need the first and last month in advance.
59475%
59476You could live a better life, if you
59477had a better mind and a better body.
59478%
59479You couldn't even prove the White House
59480staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
59481 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
59482%
59483You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
59484%
59485You dialed 5483.
59486%
59487You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
59488%
59489You do not have mail.
59490%
59491You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
59492%
59493You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
59494if you're not planning on coming back down.
59495 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
59496%
59497You don't have to explain something you never said.
59498 -- Calvin Coolidge
59499%
59500You don't have to know how the computer
59501works, just how to work the computer.
59502%
59503You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
59504 -- J. D. Salinger
59505%
59506You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
59507 -- Guindon
59508%
59509You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
59510reason to eat with knitting needles.
59511 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
59512%
59513You enjoy the company of other people.
59514%
59515You feel a whole lot more like you do
59516now than you did when you used to.
59517%
59518You fill a much-needed gap.
59519%
59520You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
59521The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
59522which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
59523tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
59524names. Here's the complete text:
59525
59526 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
59527 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
59528 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
59529 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
59530 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
59531 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
59532 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
59533 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
59534
59535The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
59536money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
59537form.
59538 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
59539%
59540You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
59541what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
59542 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
59543%
59544You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
59545%
59546You get what you pay for.
59547 -- Gabriel Biel
59548%
59549You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
59550from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
59551 -- Goethe
59552%
59553You go down to the pickup station,
59554 craving warmth and beauty;
59555You settle for less than fascination --
59556 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
59557And the closing lights strip off the shadows
59558 on this strange new flesh you've found --
59559Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
59560 you hurry to the blackness
59561 and the blankets to lay down an impression
59562 and your loneliness.
59563 -- Joni Mitchell
59564%
59565You got to be very careful if you don't know
59566where you're going, because you might not get there.
59567 -- Yogi Berra
59568%
59569You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
59570And you know it don't come easy ...
59571I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
59572And you know it don't come easy ...
59573%
59574You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
59575Now it's our turn.
59576 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
59577%
59578You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
59579%
59580You had mail.
59581Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
59582%
59583You had some happiness once,
59584but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
59585%
59586You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
59587%
59588You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
59589%
59590You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
59591%
59592You have a message from the operator.
59593%
59594You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
59595A pity that it's totally undeserved.
59596%
59597You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
59598%
59599You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
59600%
59601You have a strong desire for a home
59602and your family interests come first.
59603%
59604You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
59605%
59606You have a truly strong individuality.
59607%
59608You have a will that can be influenced
59609by all with whom you come in contact.
59610%
59611You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
59612
59613This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
59614
59615You are permanently confused.
59616 -- Dave Decot
59617%
59618You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
59619 -- Lois Platford
59620%
59621You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
59622a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
59623 -- Aristophanes
59624%
59625You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
59626%
59627You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
59628%
59629You have an unusual equipment for success.
59630Be sure to use it properly.
59631%
59632You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
59633metal objects which are not fastened down.
59634%
59635You have an unusual understanding of
59636the problems of human relationships.
59637%
59638You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
59639 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
59640%
59641You have been selected for a secret mission.
59642%
59643You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
59644%
59645You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
59646%
59647You have junk mail.
59648%
59649You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
59650%
59651You have mail.
59652%
59653You have many friends and very few living enemies.
59654%
59655You have no real enemies.
59656%
59657You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
59658 -- John Viscount Morley
59659%
59660You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
59661and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
59662%
59663You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
59664wrinkled.
59665%
59666You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
59667You'll learn a lot today.
59668%
59669You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
59670%
59671You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
59672If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
59673 -- Lewis Carroll
59674%
59675You humans are all alike.
59676%
59677You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
59678at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
59679simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
59680%
59681You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
59682 -- Dylan Thomas
59683%
59684You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
59685 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
59686%
59687You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
59688 -- Superchicken
59689%
59690You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
59691you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
59692and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
59693%
59694You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
59695 -- Maharbal
59696%
59697You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
59698you people are all going to owe me big.
59699 -- Bill Paul
59700%
59701You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
59702you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
59703%
59704You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
59705start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
59706 -- Dean Webber
59707%
59708You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
59709 -- Garfield
59710%
59711You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
59712You're not a kid at thirty-three,
59713You play around you lose your wife,
59714You play too long, you lose your life.
59715Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
59716Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
59717%
59718You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
59719are now extinct.
59720 -- M. Somerset Maugham
59721%
59722You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
59723almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel
59724like that all the time.
59725 -- Stephen Wright
59726%
59727You know, the difference between this company and
59728the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
59729%
59730You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
59731anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
59732you can always change the channel.
59733 -- Jim Ignatowski
59734%
59735You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
59736on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
59737 -- Richard Nixon
59738%
59739You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
59740and I had my hands about it.
59741 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
59742%
59743You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
59744is revenge.
59745 -- Peter Beard
59746%
59747You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
59748next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
59749him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
59750meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
59751 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
59752%
59753You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
59754 -- E. A. Gilliam
59755%
59756You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
59757 -- S. Rickly Christian
59758%
59759You know your apartment is small...
59760 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
59761 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
59762 you have to go outside to change your mind.
59763 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
59764%
59765You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
59766 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
59767%
59768You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
59769daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
59770mother is allowed to take.
59771%
59772You know you're in a small town when...
59773 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
59774 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
59775 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
59776 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
59777 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
59778 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
59779 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
59780%
59781You know you're in trouble when...
597821) You wake up face down on the pavement.
597832) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
597843) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
59785 out of the city.
597864) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
597875) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
59788 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
597896) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
59790%
59791You know you're in trouble when...
597921) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
59793 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
597942) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
59795 and there aren't any.
597963) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
597974) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
597985) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
597996) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
59800%
59801You know you're in trouble when...
59802(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
59803 her own business.
59804(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
59805(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
59806(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
59807(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
59808(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
59809 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
59810(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
59811%
59812You know you're in trouble when...
59813(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
59814 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
59815(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
59816(3) Your income tax check bounces.
59817(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
59818(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
59819(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
59820 after you bought a waterbed.
59821(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
59822 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
59823 for your spouse.
59824%
59825You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
59826when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
59827make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
59828chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
59829%
59830You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
59831friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
59832%
59833You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
59834%
59835You learn to write as if to someone else
59836because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
59837%
59838You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
59839%
59840You lived with a man who wore white belts?
59841Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
59842 -- Remington Steele
59843%
59844You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
59845%
59846You look tired.
59847%
59848You love peace.
59849%
59850You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
59851%
59852You may already be a loser.
59853 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
59854%
59855You may be gone tomorrow, but that
59856doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
59857%
59858You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
59859but you're infinitely larger than others.
59860%
59861You may be recognized soon. Hide.
59862%
59863You may be right, I may be crazy,
59864But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
59865 -- Billy Joel
59866%
59867You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
59868is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
59869 -- Sydney Harris
59870%
59871You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
59872That a young man married is a young man marred.
59873 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
59874%
59875You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
59876him.
59877 -- Ed Howe
59878%
59879You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
59880%
59881You may have heard that a dean is
59882to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
59883 -- Alfred Kahn
59884%
59885You may my glories and my state dispose,
59886But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
59887 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
59888%
59889You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
59890you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
59891%
59892You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
59893be sold.
59894%
59895You mean you didn't *know* she was off
59896making lots of little phone companies?
59897%
59898You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
59899success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
59900or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
59901party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
59902 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
59903%
59904You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
59905obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
59906an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
59907 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
59908%
59909You might have mail.
59910%
59911You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
59912now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
59913exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
59914 -- Greg Lehey
59915%
59916You must dine in our cafeteria.
59917You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
59918%
59919You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
59920and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
59921and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
59922bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
59923paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
59924cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
59925gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
59926prosecution for perjury and fraud.
59927 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
59928%
59929You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
59930to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
59931are merely deputies of that one.
59932 -- Nero Wolfe
59933%
59934You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
59935proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
59936%
59937You need more time; and you probably always will.
59938%
59939You need no longer worry about the future.
59940This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
59941%
59942You need not worry about your future.
59943%
59944You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
59945reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
59946the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
59947independence.
59948 -- Charles A. Beard
59949%
59950You never gain something but that you lose something.
59951 -- Thoreau
59952%
59953You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
59954%
59955You never go anywhere without your soul.
59956%
59957You never have to change anything you
59958got up in the middle of the night to write.
59959 -- Saul Bellow
59960%
59961You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
59962%
59963You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
59964beach.
59965%
59966You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
59967 -- William Blake
59968%
59969You never learned anything by doing it right.
59970%
59971You never realize how many friends you
59972have until you rent a house at the beach.
59973%
59974You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
59975got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
59976"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
59977with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
59978guys were getting stoned!
59979 -- Johnny Carson
59980%
59981You now have Asian Flu.
59982%
59983You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
59984you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
59985yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
59986company.
59987 -- J. Wellington Wells
59988%
59989You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
59990%
59991You plan things that you do not even
59992attempt because of your extreme caution.
59993%
59994You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
59995%
59996You prefer the company of the opposite
59997sex, but are well liked by your own.
59998%
59999You probably wouldn't worry about what people
60000think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
60001 -- Olin Miller
60002%
60003You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
60004%
60005You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
60006 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
60007%
60008You say potatoe,
60009And I say potato.
60010You say tomatoe,
60011And I say tomato.
60012Potatoe, potato,
60013Tomatoe, tomato.
60014Let's go be the Vice President...
60015%
60016You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
60017%
60018You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
60019attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
60020takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
60021which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
60022alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
60023Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
60024brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
60025his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
60026order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
60027can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
60028addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
60029the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
60030the useful ones.
60031 -- Sherlock Holmes
60032%
60033You see things; and you say "Why?"
60034But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
60035 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
60036 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
60037%
60038You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
60039his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
60040understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
60041signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
60042there is no cat.
60043 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
60044%
60045You seek to shield those you love
60046and you like the role of the provider.
60047%
60048You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
60049%
60050You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
60051 -- Joseph Conrad
60052%
60053You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
60054%
60055You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
60056if they are dead.
60057%
60058You should go home.
60059%
60060You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
60061incest and folk-dancing.
60062 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
60063%
60064You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
60065about 10^12 to 1.
60066 -- Ernest Rutherford
60067%
60068You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
60069because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
60070 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
60071%
60072You should never wear your best trousers
60073when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
60074 -- Henrik Ibsen
60075%
60076You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
60077contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
60078houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
60079scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
60080summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
60081you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
60082sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
60083 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
60084%
60085You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
60086another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
60087another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
60088such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
60089many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
60090If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
60091should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
60092for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
60093because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
60094chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
60095
60096In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
60097hemorrhoids.
60098 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
60099%
60100"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
60101plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture."
60102 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
60103%
60104You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
60105 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
60106%
60107You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
60108your feet in it and swish them around a little.
60109 -- Guindon
60110%
60111You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
60112%
60113You teach best what you most need to learn.
60114%
60115You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
60116%
60117YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
60118
60119Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
60120a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
60121important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
60122
60123Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
60124to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
60125make really big Zorkmids."
60126
60127MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
60128you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
60129
60130 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
60131%
60132You too can wear a nose mitten.
60133%
60134You tread upon my patience.
60135 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
60136%
60137You two ought to be more careful--
60138your love could drag on for years and years.
60139%
60140You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
60141Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
60142 -- W. G.
60143%
60144You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
60145%
60146You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
60147%
60148You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
60149%
60150You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
60151%
60152You will be advanced socially,
60153without any special effort on your part.
60154%
60155You will be aided greatly by a person
60156whom you thought to be unimportant.
60157%
60158You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
60159a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
60160%
60161You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
60162%
60163You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
60164%
60165You will be awarded some great honor.
60166%
60167You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
60168%
60169You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
60170%
60171You will be dead within a year.
60172%
60173You will be divorced within a year.
60174%
60175You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
60176%
60177You will be held hostage by a radical group.
60178%
60179You will be honored for contributing
60180your time and skill to a worthy cause.
60181%
60182You will be imprisoned for contributing
60183your time and skill to a bank robbery.
60184%
60185You will be married within a year.
60186%
60187You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
60188%
60189You will be misunderstood by everyone.
60190%
60191You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
60192%
60193You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
60194%
60195You will be run over by a beer truck.
60196%
60197You will be run over by a bus.
60198%
60199You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
60200%
60201You will be successful in love.
60202%
60203You will be surprised by a loud noise.
60204%
60205You will be surrounded by luxury.
60206%
60207You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
60208%
60209You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
60210%
60211You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
60212%
60213You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
60214%
60215You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
60216%
60217You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
60218%
60219You will contract a rare disease.
60220%
60221You will engage in a profitable business activity.
60222%
60223You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
60224%
60225You will feel hungry again in another hour.
60226%
60227You will find me drinking gin
60228In the lowest kind of inn,
60229Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
60230 -- G. K. Chesterton
60231%
60232You will forget that you ever knew me.
60233%
60234You will gain money by a fattening action.
60235%
60236You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
60237%
60238You will gain money by an illegal action.
60239%
60240You will gain money by an immoral action.
60241%
60242You will get what you deserve.
60243%
60244You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
60245%
60246You will have a head crash on your private pack.
60247%
60248You will have a long and boring life.
60249%
60250You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
60251%
60252You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
60253%
60254You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
60255%
60256You will have long and healthy life.
60257%
60258You will have many recoverable tape errors.
60259%
60260You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
60261%
60262You will inherit millions of dollars.
60263%
60264You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
60265%
60266You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
60267%
60268You will live to see your grandchildren.
60269%
60270You will lose an important disk file.
60271%
60272You will lose an important tape file.
60273%
60274You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
60275mayonnaise salesman.
60276%
60277You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
60278%
60279You will never amount to much.
60280 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
60281%
60282You will never know hunger.
60283%
60284You will not be elected to public office this year.
60285%
60286You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
60287%
60288You will outgrow your usefulness.
60289%
60290You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
60291%
60292You will pass away very quickly.
60293%
60294You will pay for your sins.
60295If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
60296%
60297You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
60298%
60299You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
60300%
60301You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
60302%
60303You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
60304%
60305You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
60306%
60307You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
60308was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
60309the butter upon a hot day.
60310 -- Sherlock Holmes
60311%
60312You will soon forget this.
60313%
60314You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
60315%
60316You will step on the night soil of many countries.
60317%
60318You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
60319but only because your brakes are defective.
60320%
60321You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
60322%
60323You will triumph over your enemy.
60324%
60325You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
60326%
60327You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
60328%
60329You will wish you hadn't.
60330%
60331You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
60332 -- Frank Hubbard
60333%
60334You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
60335%
60336You worry too much about your job.
60337Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
60338%
60339"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
60340of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
60341Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
60342Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
60343give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
60344momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
60345yourself in this way."
60346 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
60347%
60348You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
60349%
60350You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
60351be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
60352 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
60353%
60354You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
60355taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
60356minute and a huff.
60357 -- Groucho Marx
60358%
60359You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
60360 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
60361%
60362You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
60363%
60364You'll always be,
60365What you always were,
60366Which has nothing to do with,
60367All to do, with her.
60368 -- Company
60369%
60370You'll be called to a post requiring
60371ability in handling groups of people.
60372%
60373You'll be sorry...
60374%
60375You'll feel devilish tonight.
60376Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
60377%
60378You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
60379%
60380You'll never be the man your mother was!
60381%
60382You'll never see all the places, or read all the
60383books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
60384%
60385You'll wish that you had done some of the
60386hard things when they were easier to do.
60387%
60388Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
60389counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
60390experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
60391them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
60392of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
60393have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
60394actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
60395to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
60396principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
60397which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
60398not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
60399nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
60400repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
60401content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
60402compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
60403the defects of both.
60404 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
60405%
60406Young men, hear an old man to whom
60407old men hearkened when he was young.
60408 -- Augustus Caesar
60409%
60410Young men think old men are fools;
60411but old men know young men are fools.
60412 -- George Chapman
60413%
60414Your aim is high and to the right.
60415%
60416Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
60417%
60418Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
60419Don't believe a thing he tells you.
60420%
60421Your best consolation is the hope that the things
60422you failed to get weren't really worth having.
60423%
60424Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
60425%
60426Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
60427%
60428Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
60429%
60430Your business will assume vast proportions.
60431%
60432Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
60433%
60434Your code should be more efficient!
60435%
60436Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
60437%
60438Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
60439%
60440Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
60441from enjoying it.
60442%
60443Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
60444 ...Here's How You Can Tell
60445Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
60446can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
60447listed 10 signs to watch for:
60448 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
60449 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
60450 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
60451 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
60452 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
60453 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
60454 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
60455 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
60456 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
60457 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
60458The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
60459all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
60460 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.
60461
60462 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
60463%
60464Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
60465%
60466Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
60467dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
60468attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
60469minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
60470Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
60471medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
6047225 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
60473seconds if we felt like it.
60474 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
60475%
60476Your domestic life may be harmonious.
60477%
60478Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
60479%
60480Your fault - core dumped
60481%
60482Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
60483EOF
60484%
60485Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
60486%
60487YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
60488 by Miss Fortune
60489
60490AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
60491 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
60492type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
60493Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
60494California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow.
60495
60496PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
60497 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
60498fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
60499bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
60500other discover your good qualities without your help.
60501%
60502YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
60503 by Miss Fortune
60504
60505ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
60506 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
60507sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
60508and you will live all the days of your life.
60509
60510TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
60511 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
60512in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
60513brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
60514miss two car payments.
60515
60516GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
60517 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
60518common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
60519at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
60520Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
60521you meet in court.
60522%
60523YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
60524 by Miss Fortune
60525
60526CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
60527 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
60528you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
60529in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
60530to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
60531
60532LEO (July 23 - August 22)
60533 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
60534heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
60535in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
60536shop.
60537
60538VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
60539 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
60540affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
60541is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
60542career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
60543than people who work standing up.
60544%
60545Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
60546meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
60547 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
60548%
60549Your goose is cooked.
60550(Your current chick is burned up too!)
60551%
60552Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
60553%
60554Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
60555%
60556Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
60557%
60558Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
60559%
60560Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
60561%
60562Your love life will be... interesting.
60563%
60564Your lover will never wish to leave you.
60565%
60566Your lucky color has faded.
60567%
60568Your lucky number has been disconnected.
60569%
60570Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
60571Watch for it everywhere.
60572%
60573Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
60574original and the part that is original is not good.
60575 -- Samuel Johnson
60576%
60577Your mind is the part of you that says,
60578 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
60579... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
60580 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
60581 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
60582%
60583Your mind understands what you have been
60584taught; your heart, what is true.
60585%
60586Your mode of life will be changed for
60587the better because of good news soon.
60588%
60589Your mode of life will be changed for
60590the better because of new developments.
60591%
60592Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
60593%
60594Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
60595%
60596Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
60597Face like ice, a little bit colder
60598She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
60599You learned in school"
60600But I don't really see
60601Why can't we go on as three?
60602 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
60603%
60604Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
60605may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
60606%
60607Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
60608%
60609Your object is to save the world,
60610while still leading a pleasant life.
60611%
60612Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
60613true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
60614mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
60615Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
60616are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
60617change.
60618 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
60619%
60620Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
60621%
60622Your password is pitifully obvious.
60623%
60624Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
60625%
60626Your present plans will be successful.
60627%
60628Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
60629%
60630Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
60631%
60632Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
60633need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
60634picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
60635the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
60636success.
60637 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
60638%
60639Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
60640%
60641Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
60642%
60643Your step will soil many countries.
60644%
60645Your supervisor is thinking about you.
60646%
60647Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
60648%
60649Your temporary financial embarrassment will
60650be relieved in a surprising manner.
60651%
60652Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
60653%
60654Your wig steers the gig.
60655 -- Lord Buckley
60656%
60657Your wise men don't know how it feels
60658To be thick as a brick.
60659 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
60660%
60661Your worship is your furnaces
60662which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
60663have molten bowels; your vision is
60664machines for making more machines.
60665 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
60666%
60667You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
60668%
60669You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
60670 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
60671
60672Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
60673 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
60674
60675When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
60676 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
60677%
60678You're all clear now, kid.
60679Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
60680 -- Han Solo
60681%
60682You're almost as happy as you think you are.
60683%
60684You're already carrying the sphere!
60685%
60686You're always thinking you're gonna be
60687the one that makes 'em act different.
60688 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
60689%
60690You're at the end of the road again.
60691%
60692You're at Witt's End.
60693%
60694You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
60695%
60696You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
60697%
60698You're definitely on their list.
60699The question to ask next is what list it is.
60700%
60701You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
60702 -- Eldridge Cleaver
60703%
60704You're growing out of some of your problems,
60705but there are others that you're growing into.
60706%
60707"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
60708except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
60709 -- Swamp Thing
60710%
60711You're never too old to become younger.
60712 -- Mae West
60713%
60714You're not Dave. Who are you?
60715%
60716You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
60717 -- Dean Martin
60718%
60719You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
60720%
60721You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
60722only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
60723%
60724You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
60725%
60726You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
60727%
60728You're working under a slight handicap.
60729You happen to be human.
60730%
60731Yours is not to reason why,
60732Just to Sail Away.
60733And when you find you have to throw
60734Your Legacy away;
60735Remember life as was it is,
60736And is as it were;
60737Chasing sounds across the galaxy
60738'Till silence is but a blur.
60739 -- QYX.
60740%
60741Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
60742%
60743Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
60744courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
60745 -- Robert F. Kennedy
60746%
60747Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
60748%
60749Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
60750 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
60751%
60752Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
60753 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
60754%
60755Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
60756 -- George Bernard Shaw
60757%
60758Youth is the trustee of posterity.
60759%
60760Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
60761when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
60762%
60763You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
60764 -- Eugene Ionesco
60765%
60766You've been Berkeley'ed!
60767%
60768You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
60769%
60770You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
60771and now you're telling me just to be myself?
60772 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
60773%
60774"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
60775 -- Gary Giddens
60776%
60777You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
60778%
60779"You've got to think about tomorrow!"
60780
60781"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
60782%
60783"Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
60784 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60785%
60786"Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?"
60787 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60788%
60789"Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!"
60790 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60791%
60792"Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?"
60793 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60794%
60795YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
60796%
60797"Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?"
60798 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60799%
60800"Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!"
60801 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60802%
60803"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did
60804to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!"
60805 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60806%
60807YO-YO:
60808 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
60809 (see also Computer).
60810%
60811Zall's Laws:
60812 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
60813 will be wrong.
60814 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
60815 door you're on.
60816%
60817zeal, n:
60818 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
60819%
60820Zero Defects, n.:
60821 The result of shutting down a production line.
60822%
60823Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
60824 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
60825%
60826Zeus gave Leda the bird.
60827%
60828Zisla's Law:
60829 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
60830%
60831Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
60832since I first called my brother's father dad.
60833 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
60834%
60835Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
60836 People are always available for work in the past tense.
60837%
60838When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
60839finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
60840 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
60841 a camera for professional photographers
60842%
60843beachhead:
60844In marketing: a small piece of a market over which you gain control and
60845from which you go out to control other pieces of the market.
60846In war: where soldiers die.
60847%
60848...that FC loop thing sucks.
60849So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
60850wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
60851 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
60852%
60853Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
60854of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
60855rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
60856and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
60857%
60858To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
60859to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
60860servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
60861 -- Theodore Roosevelt
60862%
60863PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
60864daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor
60865or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
60866junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
60867 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
60868%
60869A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
60870%
60871We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
60872power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
60873planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
60874use of this material.
60875 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
60876 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
60877 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
| 48482drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
48483 -- Mark Twain
48484%
48485The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
48486 -- David Gerrold
48487%
48488The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
48489in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
48490 -- Jean de la Bruyere
48491%
48492The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
48493until 5 or 6 PM.
48494%
48495The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
48496of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
48497 -- Niels Bohr
48498%
48499The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
48500 -- Bohr
48501%
48502The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
48503waiting.
48504 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
48505%
48506The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
48507and the pessimist knows it.
48508 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
48509
48510Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
48511almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
48512possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
48513 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
48514%
48515The optimum committee has no members.
48516 -- Norman Augustine
48517%
48518The opulence of the front office door varies
48519inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
48520%
48521The orders come down and they march us away.
48522There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
48523God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
48524But it's better than working for Xerox.
48525 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
48526%
48527"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
48528went back in time."
48529 -- Steven Wright
48530%
48531The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
48532 -- Steven Wright
48533%
48534The other line moves faster.
48535%
48536The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
48537a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
48538with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
48539English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
48540pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
48541head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
48542table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
48543dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
48544went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
48545evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
48546a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
48547never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
48548%
48549The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
48550%
48551The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
48552 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
48553%
48554The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
48555she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
48556 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
48557 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
48558%
48559The past always looks better than it was.
48560It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
48561 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
48562%
48563The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
48564were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
48565 -- H. L. Mencken
48566%
48567The people sensible enough to give
48568good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
48569%
48570The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
48571not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
48572waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
48573In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
48574person you have always wanted to be.
48575 -- Nancy Friday
48576%
48577The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
48578 -- Charles Pierce
48579%
48580The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
48581but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
48582quality of joy.
48583 -- Erica Jong
48584%
48585The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
48586%
48587The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
48588%
48589The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
48590%
48591The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
48592%
48593The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
48594market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
48595is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
48596 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
48597%
48598The philosopher's treatment of a question
48599is like the treatment of an illness.
48600 -- Wittgenstein.
48601%
48602The Phone Booth Rule:
48603 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
48604%
48605The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
48606Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
48607Let others think his heart is big,
48608I think it stupid of the Pig.
48609 -- Ogden Nash
48610%
48611The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
48612and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
48613connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
48614fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
48615blound by the sun and he dropped it.
48616 -- Dizzy Dean
48617%
48618The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
48619 -- David Lardner
48620%
48621The plural of spouse is spice.
48622%
48623The Poems, all three hundred of them,
48624may be summed up in one of their phrases:
48625"Let our thoughts be correct".
48626 -- Confucius
48627%
48628The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
48629 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
48630Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
48631verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
48632 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
48633work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
48634lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
48635 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
48636rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
48637the higher emotions.
48638 She would me "Honey" call,
48639 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
48640 But now alas! She's left me
48641 Falero, lero, loo.
48642 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
48643was her prudent choice of footwear.
48644 The fives did fit her shoe.
48645 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
48646the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
48647Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
48648begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
48649"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
48650worst poet in England."
48651 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48652%
48653The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war,
48654and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
48655 -- Celine
48656%
48657The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
48658trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
48659save your sanity for later.
48660%
48661The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
48662addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
48663important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
48664expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
48665we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
48666true distaste.
48667 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
48668 Correct Behavior"
48669%
48670The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
48671To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
48672 -- Buckminster Fuller
48673%
48674The pollution's at that awkward stage.
48675Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
48676 -- Doug Sneyd
48677%
48678"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
48679often."
48680%
48681The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
48682 -- Anthony Burgess
48683%
48684The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
48685prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
48686or to the people.
48687 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
48688%
48689The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
48690 Were each of them once a kiddie.
48691A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
48692 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
48693 -- Ogden Nash
48694%
48695The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
48696brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
48697Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
48698 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
48699%
48700The prettiest women are almost always the most
48701boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
48702 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
48703%
48704The price of greatness is responsibility.
48705%
48706The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
48707they might force their beliefs on us.
48708 -- Mario Cuomo
48709%
48710The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
48711 -- C. Glymour.
48712%
48713The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
48714knowledge of its ugly side.
48715 -- James Baldwin
48716%
48717The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
48718warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
48719changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
48720marker.
48721 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
48722%
48723The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
48724difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
48725%
48726The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
48727instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
48728variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
48729of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
48730program, should the value of pi change.
48731 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
48732%
48733The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
48734voters to win the next election.
48735%
48736The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
48737represents the secondary theme:
48738
48739 Law Enforcement Officials
48740
48741The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
48742
48743 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
48744 -- M. Gallaher
48745%
48746The probability of someone watching you is directly
48747proportional to the stupidity of your action.
48748%
48749The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
48750Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
48751using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
48752Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
48753etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
48754bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
48755of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
48756developed cancer.
48757 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
48758%
48759The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
48760a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
48761 -- Mike Smith
48762%
48763The problem with any unwritten law is that
48764you don't know where to go to erase it.
48765 -- Glaser and Way
48766%
48767The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
48768to sleep every few days.
48769%
48770The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
48771time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
48772government because they could not keep up.
48773 -- Idi Amin Dada
48774%
48775The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
48776for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
48777requires intent.
48778%
48779The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
48780be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
48781 -- Elizabeth Taylor
48782%
48783The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
48784%
48785The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
48786for incompetence.
48787%
48788The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
48789particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
48790with sloppy English.
48791 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
48792%
48793The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
48794stable business.
48795 -- John Steinbeck
48796%
48797The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
48798%
48799The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
48800 -- Miguel de Cervantes
48801%
48802The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
48803and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
48804horse.
48805 -- Jac Goudsmit
48806%
48807The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
48808thoughts about their neighbours.
48809 -- F. H. Bradley
48810%
48811The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
48812outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
48813since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
48814victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
48815running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
48816 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
48817%
48818The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
48819raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
48820certainties.
48821 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
48822%
48823The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
48824 -- Mark Twain
48825%
48826The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
48827because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
48828 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
48829%
48830The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
48831not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
48832engineers.
48833%
48834"The pyramid is opening!"
48835"Which one?"
48836"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
48837 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
48838 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
48839%
48840The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
48841 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
48842%
48843The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
48844%
48845The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
48846join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
48847attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
48848sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
48849whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
48850contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
48851remain each in their own position.
48852 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
48853 Queen Victoria
48854%
48855The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
48856it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
48857that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
48858industrial waste?
48859 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
48860%
48861The questions remain the same.
48862The answers are eternally variable.
48863%
48864The Rabbits The Cow
48865Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
48866That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
48867 -- Ogden Nash
48868%
48869The race is not always to the swift, nor the
48870battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
48871 -- Damon Runyon
48872%
48873The rain it raineth on the just
48874And also on the unjust fella:
48875But chiefly on the just, because
48876The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
48877 -- Lord Bowen
48878%
48879The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
48880%
48881The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
48882measurement of the speed of blight.
48883%
48884The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
48885illiterates can read.
48886 -- Alberto Moravia
48887%
48888The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
48889cursed.
48890%
48891The real man's Bloody Mary:
48892 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire
48893 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
48894
48895 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
48896 Throw all the other ingredients away.
48897%
48898The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
48899%
48900The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
48901 -- Christopher Morley
48902%
48903The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
48904a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
48905%
48906The real reason psychology is hard is that
48907psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
48908%
48909The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
48910%
48911The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
48912%
48913The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
48914which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
48915Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
48916Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
48917 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
48918%
48919The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
48920 -- Don Rose
48921%
48922The reason that every major university maintains a department of
48923mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
48924people.
48925%
48926The reason they're called wisdom teeth
48927is that the experience makes you wise.
48928%
48929The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
48930absolutely not.
48931 -- Bill Gates
48932%
48933The reason why worry kills more people
48934than work is that more people worry than work.
48935%
48936The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
48937persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
48938progress depends on the unreasonable man.
48939 -- George Bernard Shaw
48940%
48941The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
48942financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
48943a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
48944industry, Honduras because the coffeee price went sour, Zaire because
48945nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
48946 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
48947%
48948The relative importance of files depends on their cost
48949in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
48950 -- T. A. Dolotta
48951%
48952The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
48953of a Dodge Dart.
48954 -- Lisa Alther
48955%
48956The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
48957Called a hen a most elegant creature.
48958 The hen, pleased with that,
48959 Laid an egg in his hat --
48960And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
48961 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
48962%
48963The reverse side also has a reverse side.
48964 -- Japanese proverb
48965%
48966The revolution will not be televised.
48967%
48968The reward for working hard is more hard work.
48969%
48970The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
48971 -- Emerson
48972%
48973The rhino is a homely beast,
48974For human eyes he's not a feast.
48975Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
48976I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
48977 -- Ogden Nash
48978%
48979The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
48980The haves get more, the have-nots die.
48981%
48982The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
48983This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
48984%
48985"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
48986and to his imagination for his facts."
48987 -- Sheridan
48988%
48989The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
48990taken seriously.
48991 -- Hubert Humphrey
48992%
48993The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
48994 -- Justice Douglas
48995%
48996The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
48997 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
48998%
48999The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
49000for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
49001infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
49002upon the successful management of which so much remains.
49003 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
49004%
49005The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
49006House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
49007you have and what rights you have not got.
49008 -- J. Parnell Thomas
49009%
49010The ripest fruit falls first.
49011 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
49012%
49013The road to Hades is easy to travel.
49014 -- Bion
49015%
49016The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
49017sloppy analysis!
49018%
49019The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
49020 -- J. Gooding
49021%
49022The road to ruin is always in good repair,
49023and the travellers pay the expense of it.
49024 -- Josh Billings
49025%
49026The Roman Rule
49027 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
49028 one who is doing it.
49029%
49030The root of all superstition is that men
49031observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
49032 -- Francis Bacon
49033%
49034The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
49035%
49036The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
49037his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
49038one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
49039take it too seriously.
49040 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
49041%
49042The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
49043 -- Lewis Carroll
49044%
49045The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
49046give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
49047 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
49048%
49049The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
49050can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
49051it through power, violence or weapons.
49052 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
49053%
49054The rules:
49055
490561: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
490572: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
49058 the console keyboard.
490593: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
49060 card decks together.
490614: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
49062 especially if you're already married.
490635: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
49064 a stool to reach another disk pack.
490656: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
49066 shift.
490677: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
49068 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
490698: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
490709: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
4907110: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
49072%
49073The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
49074That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
49075 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
49076%
49077The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
49078award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
49079gesture by the individual to himself.
49080 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
49081%
49082The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
49083%
49084The savior becomes the victim.
49085%
49086The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
49087
49088Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
49089 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
49090
49091Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
49092%
49093"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
49094%
49095The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
49096showed that all had these things in common:
49097
49098 1) They all had moderate appetites.
49099 2) They all came from middle class homes.
49100 3) All but two of them were dead.
49101%
49102The scum also rises.
49103 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
49104%
49105The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your
49106password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers.
49107 -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc
49108%
49109The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
49110a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
49111of civilization.
49112 -- T. K.
49113%
49114The second best policy is dishonesty.
49115%
49116The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
49117 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
49118 -- Jim Warner
49119%
49120The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
49121%
49122The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
49123%
49124The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
49125you've got it made.
49126 -- Jean Giraudoux
49127%
49128The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
49129there is no humor in Heaven.
49130 -- Mark Twain
49131%
49132The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
49133beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
49134 -- Harry Skelton
49135%
49136The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
49137respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones
49138from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
49139milestones are lifted.
49140 -- George Bernard Shaw
49141%
49142The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
49143reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
49144Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
49145of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
49146him are dead, he is alive.
49147 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
49148everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
49149host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
49150equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
49151 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
49152 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
49153 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
49154%
49155The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
49156and sixth years.
49157%
49158The sheep died in the wool.
49159%
49160The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
49161%
49162The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
49163 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
49164%
49165The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
49166%
49167The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
49168 -- Noelie Alito
49169%
49170The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
49171 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
49172%
49173The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
49174voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
49175 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
49176%
49177The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
49178 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
49179in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
49180way.)
49181 -- Dan Roddick
49182%
49183The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
49184 -- [just say that five times...]
49185%
49186The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
49187 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
49188%
49189The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
49190 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
49191%
49192The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
49193And surly Winter grimly flies.
49194Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
49195And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
49196Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
49197The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
49198All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
49199And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
49200
49201The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
49202The yellow Autumn presses near;
49203Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
49204Till smiling Spring again appear.
49205Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
49206Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
49207But never ranging, still unchanging,
49208I adore my bonnie Bell.
49209 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
49210%
49211The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
49212"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
49213while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
49214one can see only a very few things at once.
49215 -- Fred Brooks
49216%
49217The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
49218rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
49219 -- Max Lerner
49220%
49221The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
49222tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
49223have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
49224its theories will hold water.
49225%
49226The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
49227He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
49228The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
49229And slowly she let him inside.
49230
49231He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
49232But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
49233And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
49234And now will you tell me why?"
49235 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
49236%
49237The solution of problems is the most characteristic
49238and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
49239 -- William James
49240%
49241The solution of this problem is trivial
49242and is left as an exercise for the reader.
49243%
49244The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
49245 -- Peer
49246%
49247The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
49248his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
49249sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
49250active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and
49251exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the
49252dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
49253 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
49254vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
49255was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
49256horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
49257 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
49258The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
49259the table as the children gathered around him.
49260 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
49261 There was total silence.
49262 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
49263 Total silence.
49264 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
49265sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
49266%
49267The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
49268 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
49269%
49270"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
49271%
49272The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
49273able to correct them.
49274 -- Nicolaides
49275%
49276The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
49277%
49278The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
49279In town a noun might wear a gown,
49280or further down, might dress a clown.
49281A noun that's sound would never clown,
49282but unsound nouns jump up and down.
49283The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,
49284and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
49285But please don't let that get you down,
49286the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
49287 -- A. Nonnie Mouse
49288%
49289The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
49290readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
49291some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
49292reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
49293the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
49294known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
49295Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
49296of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
49297psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
49298Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
49299these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
49300further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
49301something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
49302the Russians.
49303 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
49304%
49305The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
49306themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
49307against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
49308Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
49309 -- Dennis Miller
49310%
49311The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
49312%
49313The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
49314philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
49315is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
49316reality.
49317 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
49318%
49319The star of riches is shining upon you.
49320%
49321The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
49322written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
49323follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
49324of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
49325the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
49326in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
49327died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
49328back by years.
49329 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
49330%
49331The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
49332%
49333The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
49334 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
49335%
49336The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its
49337thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools.
49338
49339 -- Thucydides
49340%
49341The steady state of disks is full.
49342 -- Ken Thompson
49343%
49344The story of the butterfly:
49345 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
49346a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
49347out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
49348the third day, I heard a knock."
49349 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
49350there was nothing."
49351 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
49352 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
49353%
49354The story you are about to hear is true.
49355Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
49356%
49357The street preacher looked so baffled
49358When I asked him why he dressed
49359With forty pounds of headlines
49360Stapled to his chest.
49361But he cursed me when I proved to him
49362I said, "Not even you can hide.
49363You see, you're just like me.
49364I hope you're satisfied."
49365 -- Bob Dylan
49366%
49367The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
49368them unsafe.
49369 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
49370%
49371The streets were dark with something more than night.
49372 -- Raymond Chandler
49373%
49374The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
49375%
49376The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
49377can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
49378existance recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
49379that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
49380that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
49381He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live
49382by the values he wills.
49383 -- Nietzsche
49384%
49385"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
49386is an emerging underachiever."
49387%
49388The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
49389biology.
49390%
49391"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't
49392even any property taxes."
49393 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
49394%
49395The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
49396yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
49397 -- The Silver Surfer
49398%
49399The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
49400The population is, of course, growing.
49401%
49402The sum of the Universe is zero.
49403%
49404The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
49405 -- RKO
49406%
49407The sun was shining on the sea,
49408Shining with all his might:
49409He did his very best to make
49410The billows smooth and bright --
49411And this was very odd, because it was
49412The middle of the night.
49413 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
49414%
49415The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
49416 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
49417%
49418The superfluous is very necessary.
49419 -- Voltaire
49420%
49421The superior man understands what is right;
49422the inferior man understands what will sell.
49423 -- Confucius
49424%
49425The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
49426way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
49427whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
49428side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own experience belies.
49429Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
49430speak of the room.
49431 -- Henry Kissinger
49432%
49433The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
49434%
49435The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
49436 -- Mark Twain
49437%
49438The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
49439%
49440The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
49441esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
49442 -- Nietzsche
49443%
49444The surest way to remain a winner is to
49445win once, and then not play any more.
49446%
49447The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
49448Scratch a lover and find a foe!
49449 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
49450%
49451The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
49452%
49453The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
49454%
49455The Tao doesn't take sides;
49456it gives birth to both wins and losses.
49457The Guru doesn't take sides;
49458she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
49459
49460The Tao is like a stack:
49461the data changes but not the structure.
49462the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
49463the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
49464
49465Hold on to the root.
49466%
49467The Tao is like a glob pattern:
49468used but never used up.
49469It is like the extern void:
49470filled with infinite possibilities.
49471
49472It is masked but always present.
49473I don't know who built to it.
49474It came before the first kernel.
49475%
49476The tao that can be tar(1)ed
49477is not the entire Tao.
49478The path that can be specified
49479is not the Full Path.
49480
49481We declare the names
49482of all variables and functions.
49483Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
49484
49485Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
49486Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
49487
49488Yet magic and hierarchy
49489arise from the same source,
49490and this source has a null pointer.
49491
49492Reference the NULL within NULL,
49493it is the gateway to all wizardry.
49494%
49495The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
49496artist never that he is a technician.
49497 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
49498%
49499The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
49500them a drink.
49501 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
49502%
49503The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
49504data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
49505shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
49506as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
49507radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
49508as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
49509receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
49510Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
49511of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
49512the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
49513i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
49514the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
49515temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
49516temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
49517temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
49518Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
49519part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
49520brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
49521or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
49522then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
49523 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
49524%
49525The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
49526culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
49527%
49528The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
49529 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
49530 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
49531 most untechnician-like manner.
49532
49533 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
49534 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
49535 her in other ways.
49536%
49537The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
49538of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
49539as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
49540employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
49541temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
49542 -- Kenny's Korner
49543%
49544The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
49545ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
49546 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
49547%
49548The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
49549 -- Aldo Leopold
49550%
49551The thing that takes up the least amount of time
49552and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
49553%
49554The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
49555%
49556The Third Law of Photography:
49557 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
49558 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
49559 the dark leaks out.
49560%
49561The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I
49562want the job.
49563 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
49564
49565Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
49566would have lost.
49567 -- Mort Sahl
49568
49569Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
49570 -- Gore Vidal
49571
49572Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
49573I need a lot of sleep.
49574 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
49575
49576You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
49577accurately it's called mudslinging.
49578 -- Walter Mondale
49579%
49580The Thought Police are here. They've come
49581To put you under cardiac arrest.
49582And as they drag you through the door
49583They tell you that you've failed the test.
49584 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
49585%
49586The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
49587%
49588The three biggest software lies:
49589
49590 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
49591 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
49592 will fix the microcode.
49593 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
49594%
49595The three laws of thermodynamics:
49596 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
49597 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
49598 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
49599%
49600THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
49601
496021) Where's the bathroom?
496032) What time does the parade start?
496043) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
49605%
49606The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
496072. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
49608 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
49609%
49610The three rules of international air travel:
49611
49612(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
49613 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
49614(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
49615 know *exactly* what you're doing.
49616(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
49617%
49618The thrill is here, but it won't last long
49619You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
49620%
49621The time for action is past!
49622Now is the time for senseless bickering.
49623%
49624The time is right to make new friends.
49625%
49626The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
49627committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
49628 -- C. N. Parkinson
49629%
49630The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
49631The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
49632Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
49633mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
49634men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
49635The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
49636the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
49637Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
49638them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
49639it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
49640choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
49641brought."
49642 -- Alistair Cooke
49643%
49644The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
49645 -- Hosea Ballou
49646%
49647The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
49648%
49649The tree of research must from time to time
49650be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
49651 -- Alan Kay
49652%
49653The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
49654but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
49655 -- Little Big Man
49656%
49657The trouble with a kitten is that
49658When it grows up, it's always a cat
49659 -- Ogden Nash.
49660%
49661The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
49662%
49663The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
49664%
49665The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
49666it.
49667 -- Franklin P. Jones
49668%
49669The trouble with being punctual is that people
49670think you have nothing more important to do.
49671%
49672The trouble with computers is that they do
49673what you tell them, not what you want.
49674 -- D. Cohen
49675%
49676The trouble with doing something right the first
49677time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
49678%
49679The trouble with eating Italian food is that
49680five or six days later you're hungry again.
49681 -- George Miller
49682%
49683The trouble with heart disease is that the first
49684symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
49685 -- Michael Phelps
49686%
49687The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
49688 -- George S. Kaufman
49689%
49690The trouble with money is it costs too much!
49691%
49692The trouble with opportunity is that it
49693always comes disguised as hard work.
49694 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
49695%
49696The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
49697and then marry him.
49698 -- Cher
49699%
49700The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
49701 -- Ken Kesey
49702%
49703The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
49704the other fellow of a dull one.
49705 -- Sid Caesar
49706%
49707The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
49708 -- Lily Tomlin
49709%
49710The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
49711who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
49712all of the people all of the time.
49713 -- Franklin Adams
49714%
49715The trouble with you
49716Is the trouble with me.
49717Got two good eyes
49718But we still don't see.
49719 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
49720%
49721The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
49722height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
49723people stumble than to be walked upon.
49724 -- Franz Kafka
49725%
49726The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
49727 -- Andre Malraux
49728%
49729The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
49730 -- Oscar Wilde
49731%
49732The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
49733 -- Lenny Bruce
49734%
49735The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
49736And vice versa.
49737%
49738The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
49739 -- Stanley Kubrick
49740%
49741The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
49742 -- Caltech
49743%
49744The truth you speak has no past and no future.
49745It is, and that's all it needs to be.
49746%
49747The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
49748Which practically conceal its sex.
49749I think it clever of the turtle
49750In such a fix to be so fertile.
49751 -- Ogden Nash
49752%
49753The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
49754 -- Dorothy Parker
49755%
49756The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
49757 -- Harlan Ellison
49758%
49759The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
49760 -- George Bernard Shaw
49761%
49762The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
49763two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
49764by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
49765 -- I. F. Stone
49766%
49767The two things that can get you into trouble
49768quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
49769%
49770The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
49771annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
49772 -- Oscar Wilde
49773%
49774The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
49775And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
49776There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
49777So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
49778Eh?
49779So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
49780And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
49781They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
49782Eh?
49783 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
49784Beauty!
49785%
49786The ultimate game show will be the one
49787where somebody gets killed at the end.
49788 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
49789%
49790The unfacts, did we have them, are too
49791imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
49792%
49793The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
49794"100 percent American"...
49795 -- U.S. Army (1945)
49796%
49797The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
49798%
49799The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
49800broken.
49801%
49802The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
49803%
49804The universe is an island,
49805surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
49806%
49807The universe is laughing behind your back.
49808%
49809The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
49810combination is locked up in the safe.
49811 -- Peter DeVries
49812
49813Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
49814same safe.
49815%
49816The Universe is populated by stable things.
49817 -- Richard Dawkins
49818%
49819The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
49820It cannot be ruled by interfering.
49821 -- Chinese proverb
49822%
49823The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
49824 -- Sagan
49825%
49826The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
49827Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
49828said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
49829his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
49830%
49831The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
49832and deviation standard.
49833%
49834The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
49835hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
49836%
49837The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
49838that I assume it must be evil.
49839 -- Heywood Broun
49840%
49841The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
49842religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
49843from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
49844yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
49845world put together.
49846 -- Sir Peter Medawar
49847%
49848The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
49849is a symptom of professional immaturity.
49850 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
49851%
49852The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
49853regarded as a criminal offence.
49854 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
49855%
49856The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
49857 -- Ben Franklin
49858%
49859The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
49860%
49861The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
49862the worst cigars.
49863 -- H. L. Mencken
49864%
49865The very first essential for success is a perpetually
49866constant and regular employment of violence.
49867 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
49868%
49869The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
49870prejudice.
49871 -- Mark Twain
49872%
49873The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
49874Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
49875to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
49876be one of the facts that needs altering.
49877 -- Dr. Who, "Face of Evil"
49878%
49879The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
49880 -- Miguel de Cervantes
49881%
49882The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
49883 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
49884surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
49885gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
49886expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
49887bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
49888The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
49889the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
49890 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49891%
49892The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
49893to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
49894 -- John Wayne
49895%
49896The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
49897 -- Jerry Brown
49898%
49899The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
49900restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
49901dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
49902sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
49903then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
49904A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
49905to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
49906%
49907"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
49908%
49909"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
49910it's just a tired feeling:"
49911%
49912The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
49913%
49914The wages of sin are unreported.
49915%
49916The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
49917Constitution.
49918%
49919The warning message we sent the Russians was a
49920calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
49921 -- Alexander Haig
49922%
49923The water was not fit to drink.
49924To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
49925By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
49926 -- Winston Churchill
49927%
49928The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
49929incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
49930 -- Emo Philips
49931%
49932The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
49933 -- Nathaniel Howe
49934%
49935The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
49936%
49937The way to a man's heart is through his
49938wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
49939 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
49940%
49941The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
49942%
49943The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
49944%
49945The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
49946%
49947The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
49948%
49949The way to make a small fortune in the
49950commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
49951%
49952The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
49953%
49954The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
49955My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
49956My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
49957Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
49958I feel together today!
49959 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
49960%
49961The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
49962%
49963The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
49964but the leaves are good to smoke!
49965 -- The Shadow
49966%
49967The white race is the cancer of history.
49968 -- Susan Sontag
49969%
49970The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
49971 -- Wavy Gravy
49972%
49973The whole of life is futile unless you
49974consider it as a sporting proposition.
49975%
49976The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
49977so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
49978 -- Bertrand Russell
49979%
49980The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
49981 -- Peter Beard
49982%
49983The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
49984 -- George Gobel
49985%
49986The whole world is about three drinks behind.
49987 -- Humphrey Bogart
49988%
49989The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
49990 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
49991It must have blown through someone's feet,
49992 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
49993 -- P. Opus
49994%
49995The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
49996not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
49997should.
49998 -- W.C. Fields
49999%
50000The wise man seeks everything in himself;
50001the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
50002%
50003The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
50004%
50005The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
50006medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
50007she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
50008live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
50009throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
50010 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
50011to get up in the morning!"
50012%
50013The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
50014is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
50015%
50016The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
50017we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
50018and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
50019of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
50020We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
50021ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
50022 -- Paul Licker
50023%
50024The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
50025designed for people who walk on their hands.
50026 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
50027%
50028The world is a comedy to those who think,
50029and a tragedy to those who feel.
50030 -- Horace Walpole
50031%
50032The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
50033%
50034The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
50035%
50036The world is coming to an end!
50037Repent and return those library books!
50038%
50039The world is full of people who have never, since
50040childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
50041 -- E. B. White
50042%
50043The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
50044it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
50045 -- E. Hubbard
50046%
50047The world is not octal despite DEC.
50048%
50049The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
50050It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
50051You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
50052 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
50053%
50054The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
50055%
50056The world really isn't any worse.
50057It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
50058%
50059The world wants to be deceived.
50060 -- Sebastian Brant
50061%
50062The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
50063%
50064The world's as ugly as sin,
50065And almost as delightful
50066 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
50067%
50068The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
50069nor its great scholars great men.
50070 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
50071%
50072The Worst American Poet
50073 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
50074Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
50075 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
50076of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
50077pen.
50078 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
50079formula was the same:
50080 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
50081 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
50082 Of their death I will relate,
50083 And also others lost their life
50084 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
50085 Where so many people died.
50086 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
50087the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
50088river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
50089a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
50090 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
50091suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
50092forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
50093beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
50094 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50095%
50096THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
50097
50098In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
50099Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
50100had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
50101sheepishly left the building.
50102A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
50103robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
501045,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
50105was a practical joke.
50106Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
50107clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
50108trapped in the revolving doors again.
50109%
50110The Worst Car Hire Service
50111 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
50112as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
50113shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
50114 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
50115conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
50116 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
50117he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
50118round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
50119 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
50120admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
50121overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
50122we might overlook that too."
50123 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
50124into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
50125ash tray."
50126 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50127%
50128The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
50129 -- George Bernard Shaw
50130%
50131THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
50132
50133This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
50134expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
50135in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
50136 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50137%
50138The worst is enemy of the bad.
50139%
50140The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
50141 -- King Lear
50142%
50143The Worst Jury
50144 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
50145one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
50146remotest clue what was happening.
50147 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
50148evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
50149 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
50150juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
50151speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
50152was hearing a murder trial.
50153 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
50154from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
50155and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
50156 The judge ordered a retrial.
50157 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50158%
50159The Worst Lines of Verse
50160For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
50161 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
50162Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
50163these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
50164laughter the instant they were read out.
50165 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
50166inspired by the subject of war.
50167 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
50168 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
50169 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
50170 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
50171By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
50172 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
50173While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
50174 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
50175 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
50176George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
50177 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
50178 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
50179William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
50180 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
50181 While in this world, are liable to leak."
50182And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
50183describing a pond:
50184 "I've measured it from side to side;
50185 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
50186 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50187%
50188The Worst Musical Trio
50189 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
50190a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
50191instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
50192gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
50193violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
50194unhampered by great musical talent.
50195 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
50196concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
50197A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
50198Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
50199in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
50200 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
50201"and it will be a sell out."
50202 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
50203audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
50204asked for someone to turn his pages.
50205 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
50206volunteered and made his way to the stage.
50207 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
50208music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
50209Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
50210the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
50211But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
50212 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50213%
50214The worst part of having success is trying
50215to find someone who is happy for you.
50216 -- Bette Midler
50217%
50218The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
50219%
50220The Worst Prison Guards
50221 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
50222maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
50223near Lisbon in Portugal.
50224 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
50225warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
50226included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
50227of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
50228planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
50229not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
50230"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
50231water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
50232The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
50233prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
50234because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
50235the next morning.
50236 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
50237one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
50238eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
50239population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
50240Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
50241"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
50242 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50243%
50244The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
50245but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
50246 -- George Bernard Shaw
50247%
50248The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
50249are sober.
50250 -- William Butler Yeats
50251%
50252The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
50253wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
50254if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
50255 -- David Viscott
50256%
50257The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
50258They were just the first not to crash.
50259%
50260The yankees, son, are up north.
50261The damnyankees are down here.
50262%
50263The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
50264four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
50265the answers.
50266%
50267The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
50268 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
50269 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
50270%
50271The young lady had an unusual list,
50272Linked in part to a structural weakness.
50273She set no preconditions.
50274%
50275The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
50276to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
50277found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
50278He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
50279rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
50280golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
50281"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
50282 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
50283they only charge $1 a ball!"
50284 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
50285rooms."
50286%
50287THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
50288%
50289Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
50290and you'd better not refuse.
50291%
50292Them as has, gets.
50293%
50294Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
50295
50296He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
50297then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
50298market.
50299
50300If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
50301not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
50302
50303Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
50304Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
50305Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
50306 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
50307%
50308Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
50309incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
50310acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
50311 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
50312%
50313Then here's to the City of Boston,
50314The town of the cries and the groans.
50315Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
50316And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
50317 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
50318%
50319Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
50320I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
50321right.
50322 -- P. J. O'Rourke
50323%
50324Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
50325%
50326Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
50327Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
50328when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
50329to the "W" on the dial.
50330
50331Moral:
50332 He who has a Tates is lost!
50333%
50334"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
50335"NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
50336"I'll put `maybe.'"
50337 -- Bloom County
50338%
50339Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
50340it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
50341 -- Elbert Hubbard
50342%
50343Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
50344Proof:
50345 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
50346 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
50347%
50348Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
50349Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
50350 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
50351 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
50352
50353Proceed by induction:
50354 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
50355 So A = B.
50356
50357Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
50358 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
50359 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
50360%
50361Theorem: All programs are dull.
50362
50363Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
50364nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
50365sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
50366the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
50367the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
50368 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
50369%
50370THEORY:
50371 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
50372 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
50373 it will look in print.
50374%
50375Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
50376 -- Goethe
50377%
50378Theory of Selective Supervision:
50379 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
50380 the one time the boss walks through the office.
50381%
50382There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
50383armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
50384shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
50385realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
50386body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
50387sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
50388He speaks with a commanding voice:
50389
50390 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
50391
50392As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
50393%
50394There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
50395the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
50396 -- Harvey Wheeler
50397%
50398There are a few things that never go out of style,
50399and a feminine woman is one of them.
50400 -- Ralston
50401%
50402There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
50403 -- Winston Churchill
50404%
50405There are bad times just around the corner,
50406There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
50407And it's no good whining
50408About a silver lining
50409For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
50410 -- Noel Coward
50411%
50412There are few people more often in the wrong
50413than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
50414%
50415There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
50416and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
50417 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
50418%
50419There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
50420and praiseworthy ...
50421 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
50422%
50423There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
50424the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
50425cannot know a woman, the divorce.
50426 -- Norman Mailer
50427%
50428There are many intelligent species in
50429the universe, and they all own cats.
50430%
50431There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
50432about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
50433about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
50434get it in the winter.
50435 -- Bat Masterson
50436%
50437There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
50438friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
50439avoiding a great deal of pain.
50440%
50441There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
50442 -- Eugene Ionesco
50443%
50444There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
50445%
50446There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
50447%
50448There are more things in heaven and earth,
50449Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
50450 -- Hamlet
50451%
50452There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
50453%
50454There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
50455%
50456There are new messages.
50457%
50458There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
50459 -- Baba Ram Dass
50460%
50461There are no answers, only cross-references.
50462 -- Weiner
50463%
50464There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
50465are chosen correctly.
50466%
50467There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
50468%
50469There are no games on this system.
50470%
50471There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
50472 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
50473%
50474There are no great men, only great challenges that
50475ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
50476 -- Admiral William Halsey
50477%
50478There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
50479 -- The Duke of Wellington
50480%
50481There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
50482of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
50483competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
50484some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
50485 -- Richard Davisson
50486%
50487There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
50488of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
50489%
50490There are no winners in life, only survivors.
50491%
50492There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
50493 -- Helen Rowland
50494%
50495There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
50496%
50497There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
50498taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
50499 -- shades
50500%
50501There are people so addicted to exaggeration
50502that they can't tell the truth without lying.
50503 -- Josh Billings
50504%
50505There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
50506in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
50507people who find nothing odd about it.
50508 -- Calvin Trillin
50509%
50510There are places I'll remember
50511All my life though some have changed.
50512Some forever not for better
50513Some have gone and some remain.
50514All these places had their moments
50515With lovers and friends I still recall.
50516Some are dead and some are living,
50517In my life I've loved them all.
50518
50519But of all these friends and lovers,
50520There is no one compared with you,
50521All these memories lose their meaning
50522When I think of love as something new.
50523Though I know I'll never lose affection
50524For people and things that went before,
50525I know I'll often stop and think about them
50526In my life I'll love you more.
50527 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
50528%
50529There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
50530vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
50531 -- Gloria Steinem
50532%
50533There are running jobs.
50534Why don't you go chase them?
50535%
50536There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
50537plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
50538and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
50539don't we all.
50540%
50541There are strange things done in the midnight sun
50542 By the men who moil for gold;
50543The Arctic trails have their secret tales
50544 That would make your blood run cold;
50545The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
50546 But the queerest they ever did see
50547Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
50548 I cremated Sam McGee.
50549 -- Robert W. Service
50550%
50551There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
50552is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
50553 -- David Nichols
50554%
50555"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
50556fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
50557and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
50558wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
50559your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence."
50560 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
50561%
50562There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
50563 -- Benjamin Disraeli
50564%
50565There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
50566%
50567"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
50568from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
50569loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
50570%
50571There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
50572offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
50573a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
50574of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
50575affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
50576When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
50577Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
50578 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
50579%
50580"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
50581engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
50582the more certain."
50583 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
50584%
50585There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
50586the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
50587world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
50588long winter evenings.
50589 -- Quentin Crisp
50590%
50591There are three rules for writing a novel.
50592Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
50593 -- Maugham
50594%
50595There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
50596changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
50597Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
50598science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
50599by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
50600%
50601There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
50602can't remember.
50603 -- Italo Svevo
50604%
50605There are three things I have always loved
50606and never understood -- art, music, and women.
50607%
50608There are three things men can do with women:
50609love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
50610 -- Stephen Stills
50611%
50612There are three ways to get something done:
50613
50614 1: Do it yourself.
50615 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
50616 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
50617%
50618There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
50619one of them.
50620%
50621There are twenty-five people left in the world,
50622and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
50623 -- Ed Sanders
50624%
50625There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
50626together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
50627struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
50628the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
50629room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
50630 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
50631 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
50632you?"
50633 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
50634 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
50635 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
50636I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
50637Man it is smokin'!"
50638 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
50639tell me more!"
50640 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
50641and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
50642I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
50643 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
50644%
50645There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
50646And one says "This is new, and therefore better."
50647 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
50648%
50649There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
50650 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
50651%
50652There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
50653the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
50654sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
50655 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
50656%
50657There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
50658We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
50659 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
50660%
50661There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
50662like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
50663%
50664There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
50665marriage and after marriage.
50666%
50667There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
50668sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
50669 -- Woody Allen
50670%
50671"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
50672make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
50673other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
50674deficiencies."
50675 -- C. A. R. Hoare
50676%
50677There are two ways of disliking art.
50678One is to dislike it.
50679The other is to like it rationally.
50680 -- Oscar Wilde
50681%
50682There are two ways of disliking poetry;
50683one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
50684 -- Oscar Wilde
50685%
50686There are two ways to write error-free
50687programs; only the third one works.
50688%
50689There are very few personal problems that cannot be
50690solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
50691%
50692There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
50693with an insurance salesman?
50694 -- Woody Allen
50695%
50696There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
50697of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
50698rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
50699together we'll face the world.
50700 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
50701%
50702There but for the grace of God, goes God.
50703 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.
50704%
50705There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
50706 -- Ralph Nader
50707%
50708There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
50709 -- R. W. Gerard
50710%
50711There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
50712 -- Henry Kissinger
50713%
50714There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
50715has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
50716 -- W.C. Fields
50717%
50718There comes a time to stop being angry.
50719 -- A Small Circle of Friends
50720%
50721There exist tasks which cannot be done
50722by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
50723 -- Steele's Law
50724%
50725There goes the good time that was had by all.
50726 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
50727%
50728There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
50729For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
50730permissions for everyone, you could say
50731
50732 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
50733
50734 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
50735hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
50736from its uses.
50737 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
50738is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
50739the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
50740being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
50741name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
50742-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
50743recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
50744was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
50745 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
50746%
50747There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
50748 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
50749%
50750There has been an alarming increase in the
50751number of things you know nothing about.
50752%
50753There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
50754%
50755There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
50756is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
50757vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
50758stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
50759
50760Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
50761 elevator with one other person from each floor?
50762A: The elevator would be full.
50763%
50764There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
50765is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
50766you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
50767 -- Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
50768%
50769There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
50770opinion.
50771 -- Anatole France
50772%
50773There is a fly on your nose.
50774%
50775There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
50776and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
50777each other's throat.
50778 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
50779%
50780There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
50781that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
50782%
50783There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
50784%
50785There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
50786his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
50787 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
50788%
50789There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
50790tied during the month of April.
50791%
50792There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
50793 -- Walt Disney
50794%
50795There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
50796wooden toilet seats.
50797
50798It's called the Birch John Society.
50799%
50800There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
50801Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
50802Fatherland.
50803 -- Adolf Hitler
50804%
50805There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
50806what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
50807disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
50808inexplicable.
50809
50810There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
50811 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
50812%
50813There is a time in the tides of men,
50814Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
50815On the other hand, don't count on it.
50816 -- T. K. Lawson
50817%
50818There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
50819is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
50820 -- Helen Rowland
50821%
50822There is always more hell that needs raising.
50823 -- Lauren Leveut
50824%
50825There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
50826somebody out.
50827 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
50828%
50829There is always someone worse off than yourself.
50830%
50831There is always something new out of Africa.
50832 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
50833%
50834There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
50835has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
50836 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
50837%
50838There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
50839"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
50840 -- Mark Twain
50841%
50842There is brutality and there is honesty.
50843There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
50844%
50845There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
50846having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
50847whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
50848gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
50849most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
50850 -- Darwin
50851%
50852There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
50853not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
50854%
50855There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
50856 -- Arthur C. Clarke
50857%
50858There is in certain living souls
50859A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
50860So great it must be shared
50861As company is shared by lesser beings.
50862Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
50863That in immensity
50864There is one lonelier than you.
50865%
50866There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
50867however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
50868Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
50869discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
50870on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
50871even highly probable.
50872 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
50873%
50874There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
50875%
50876There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
50877and we will conquer. Follow me.
50878 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
50879%
50880There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
50881man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
50882 -- G. K. Chesterton
50883%
50884There is more to life than increasing its speed.
50885 -- Mahatma Mohandis K. Gandhi
50886%
50887There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
50888 -- Darth Vader
50889%
50890There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
50891always enough time to do it over.
50892%
50893There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
50894%
50895There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
50896is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
50897 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
50898%
50899There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
50900 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
50901%
50902There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
50903No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
50904 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
50905%
50906"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
50907the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
50908civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
50909We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
50910striving of the human race"
50911 -- Alfred North Whitehead
50912%
50913There is no comfort without pain; thus
50914we define salvation through suffering.
50915 -- Cato
50916%
50917There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
50918 -- George Santayana
50919%
50920There is no delight the equal of dread.
50921As long as it is somebody else's.
50922 --Clive Barker
50923%
50924There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
50925%
50926There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
50927 -- Mark Twain
50928%
50929There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
50930filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
50931as 'unearned income.'
50932 -- Michael Lara
50933%
50934There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
50935education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
50936%
50937There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
50938parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
50939child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
50940picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
50941Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
50942 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
50943%
50944There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
50945%
50946There is no fool to the old fool.
50947 -- John Heywood
50948%
50949There is no future in time travel.
50950%
50951There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
50952%
50953There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
50954armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
50955 -- Ernest Hemingway
50956%
50957There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
50958 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
50959%
50960There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
50961 -- George Francis Gillette
50962%
50963There is no point in waiting.
50964The train stopped running years ago.
50965All the schedules, the brochures,
50966The bright-colored posters full of lies,
50967Promise rides to a distant country
50968That no longer exists.
50969%
50970There is no proverb that is not true.
50971 -- Cervantes
50972%
50973There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
50974tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
50975abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
50976war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
50977of course.
50978 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
50979%
50980There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
50981 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
50982 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
50983%
50984There is no royal road to geometry.
50985 -- Euclid
50986%
50987There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
50988%
50989There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
50990 -- George Bernard Shaw
50991%
50992There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
50993 -- General Douglas MacArthur
50994%
50995There is no sin but ignorance.
50996 -- Christopher Marlowe
50997%
50998There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
50999 -- George Bernard Shaw
51000%
51001There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
51002%
51003There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
51004%
51005There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
51006%
51007There is no such thing as a free lunch.
51008%
51009There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
51010%
51011There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
51012the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
51013 -- Christian Dior
51014%
51015There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
51016%
51017There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
51018Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
51019 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
51020%
51021There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
51022some anxiety always goes with it.
51023%
51024There is no time like the pleasant.
51025%
51026There is no time like the present
51027for postponing what you ought to be doing.
51028%
51029There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
51030There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
51031%
51032There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
51033family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
51034the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
51035live as cheap as the people.
51036 -- The Best of Will Rogers
51037%
51038There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
51039us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
51040 -- Augier
51041%
51042There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
51043 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
51044%
51045There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
51046 -- Churchill
51047%
51048There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
51049 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
51050%
51051There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
51052 -- Marie Antoinette
51053%
51054There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
51055when you do it reluctantly.
51056 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
51057%
51058There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
51059comes to visit.
51060%
51061There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
51062a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
51063 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
51064an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
51065 "I could have answered it if I had been there."
51066 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
51067the middle of the night?'"
51068%
51069There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
51070%
51071There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
51072ocean level wouldn't cure.
51073 -- Ross MacDonald
51074%
51075There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
51076is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
51077%
51078There is one difference between a tax collector and
51079a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
51080 -- Mortimer Caplan
51081%
51082There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
51083"Yes" you know he is crooked.
51084 -- Groucho Marx
51085%
51086There is only one thing in the world worse than being
51087talked about, and that is not being talked about.
51088 -- Oscar Wilde
51089%
51090There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
51091 -- Paul Bourget
51092%
51093There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
51094 -- Robert Heinlein
51095%
51096There is only one way to kill capitalism --
51097by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
51098 -- Karl Marx
51099%
51100There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
51101and that word is blackmail.
51102 -- Colm Brogan
51103%
51104There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
51105it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
51106 -- James Boswell
51107%
51108There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
51109 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
51110%
51111There is something in the pang of change
51112More than the heart can bear,
51113Unhappiness remembering happiness.
51114 -- Euripides
51115%
51116There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
51117%
51118There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
51119%
51120There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
51121constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
51122who do not.
51123 -- Robert Benchley
51124%
51125There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
51126States; of course, I never heard the story before.
51127%
51128There must be more to life than having everything.
51129 -- Maurice Sendak
51130%
51131There never was a good war or a bad peace.
51132 -- Ben Franklin
51133%
51134There once was a girl named Irene
51135Who lived on distilled kerosene
51136 But she started absorbin'
51137 A new hydrocarbon
51138And since then has never benzene.
51139%
51140There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
51141king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
51142in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
51143to the prince:
51144 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
51145half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
51146what would your decision be, my son?"
51147 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
51148her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head."
51149 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
51150%
51151There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
51152king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
51153in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
51154to the prince:
51155 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
51156half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
51157what would your decision be, my son?"
51158 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
51159her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
51160that I had promised."
51161 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
51162%
51163There once was a member of Mensa
51164Who was a most excellent fencer.
51165 The sword that he used
51166 Was his -- (line is refused,
51167And has now been removed by the censor).
51168%
51169There once was an old man from Esser,
51170Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
51171 It at last grew so small,
51172 He knew nothing at all,
51173And now he's a College Professor.
51174%
51175There seems no plan because it is all plan.
51176 -- C.S. Lewis
51177%
51178There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
51179 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
51180%
51181There was a little girl
51182Who had a little curl
51183Right in the middle of her forehead.
51184When she was good, she was very, very good
51185And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
51186 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
51187%
51188There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up
51189with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
51190was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
51191over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
51192to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
51193and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
51194able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
51195around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
51196him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
51197to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
51198hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
51199the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
51200cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
51201her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
51202course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
51203sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
51204to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
51205 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
51206%
51207There was a phone call for you.
51208%
51209There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
51210left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
51211Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
51212they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
51213out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
51214the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
51215with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
51216We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
51217to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
51218%
51219There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
51220no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
51221every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
51222insupportable.
51223 -- Kurt Vonnegut
51224%
51225There was a young lady from Hyde
51226Who ate a green apple and died.
51227 While her lover lamented
51228 The apple fermented
51229And made cider inside her inside.
51230%
51231There was a young man from Brazil,
51232And a lady who'd not take the pill,
51233 They lay on the sofa,
51234 And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~
51235n~po_~{o[po ~poz~pok~po\~{o
512368]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~
51237%
51238There was a young man from LeDoux,
51239Whose limericks stopped at line two.
51240
51241There was a young man from Verdunne.
51242
51243 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
51244 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
51245 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
51246%
51247There was a young man who said "God,
51248I find it exceedingly odd,
51249 That the willow oak tree
51250 Continues to be,
51251When there's no one about in the Quad."
51252
51253"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
51254For I'm always about in the Quad;
51255 And that's why the tree,
51256 Continues to be,"
51257Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
51258%
51259There was a young poet named Dan,
51260Whose poetry never would scan.
51261 When told this was so,
51262 He said, "Yes, I know.
51263It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
51264%
51265"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
51266both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
51267talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
51268during the trial."
51269 -- David Letterman
51270%
51271There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
51272their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
51273of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
51274couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
51275blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
51276on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
51277baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
51278were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
51279of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
51280The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
51281the squaws of the other two hides.
51282%
51283There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
51284in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
51285that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
51286practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
51287to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
51288necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
51289(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
51290 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
51291%
51292There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
51293Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
51294you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
51295should I do?"
51296 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
51297like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
51298you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
51299 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
51300 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
51301in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
51302pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
51303he tells the counterman.
51304 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
51305"You must be from New York."
51306 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
51307you know?"
51308 "Because this is a hardware store."
51309%
51310There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
51311the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
51312digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
513138-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
51314transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
51315stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
51316feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
51317systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
51318first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
51319satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
51320telephone business?
51321%
51322There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
51323the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
51324%
51325There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
51326%
51327There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
51328 -- Lily Tomlin
51329%
51330Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
51331this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
51332 -- Machiavelli
51333%
51334There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
51335ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
51336pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
51337hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
51338least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
51339Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
51340pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
51341 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
51342%
51343There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
51344a fence.
51345%
51346There's a lesson that I need to remember
51347When everything is falling apart
51348In life, just like in loving
51349There's such a thing as trying to hard
51350
51351You've gotta sing
51352Like you don't need the money
51353Love like you'll never get hurt
51354You've gotta dance
51355Like nobody's watching
51356It's gotta come from the heart
51357If you want it to work.
51358 -- Kathy Mattea
51359%
51360There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
51361allows you to install Windows.
51362 -- Matthew D. Fuller
51363%
51364There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
51365%
51366There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
51367and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
51368little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
51369A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
51370there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
51371The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
51372it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
51373said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
51374on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
51375his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
51376spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
51377quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
51378and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
51379%
51380There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
51381The corporation that we represent.
51382We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
51383Of that man of men our sterling president
51384The name of T.J. Watson means
51385A courage none can stem
51386And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
51387 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
51388%
51389There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
51390recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
51391let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
51392or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
51393a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
51394rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
51395living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
51396action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
51397best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
51398We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
51399are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
51400along -- quite gracefully.
51401 -- Ellen Goodman
51402%
51403There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
51404 -- Doug Clifford
51405%
51406There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
51407%
51408There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
51409%
51410There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
51411don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
51412to me.
51413 -- John Wayne
51414%
51415There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
51416%
51417There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
51418%
51419There's little in taking or giving,
51420 There's little in water or wine:
51421This living, this living, this living,
51422 Was never a project of mine.
51423Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
51424 The gain of the one at the top,
51425For art is a form of catharsis,
51426 And love is a permanent flop,
51427And work is the province of cattle,
51428 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
51429So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
51430 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
51431 -- Dorothy Parker
51432%
51433There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
51434whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
51435 -- Walt Kelly
51436%
51437There's no justice in this world.
51438 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano
51439 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after
51440 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch
51441 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz
51442 instead)
51443%
51444There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
51445 -- Dr. Who
51446%
51447There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
51448any worse.
51449%
51450There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
51451 -- Raoul Duke
51452%
51453There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
51454%
51455There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
51456what you're talking about.
51457 -- John von Neumann
51458%
51459There's no such thing as a free lunch.
51460 -- Milton Friendman
51461%
51462There's no such thing as an original sin.
51463 -- Elvis Costello
51464%
51465There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
51466working for you.
51467 -- Will Rodgers
51468%
51469There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
51470%
51471There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
51472armadillos.
51473 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
51474%
51475There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
51476neckline to keep a man on his toes.
51477%
51478There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
51479his wife.
51480 -- Clare Booth Luce
51481%
51482There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
51483%
51484There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
51485%
51486There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
51487keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
51488 -- J. S. Bach
51489%
51490There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
51491work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
51492 -- Mike Smith
51493%
51494There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
51495and open a vein.
51496 -- Red Smith
51497%
51498There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
51499nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
51500%
51501There's nothing worse for your business than
51502extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
51503 -- W. Bossert
51504%
51505There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
51506reasoning with them won't aggravate.
51507%
51508There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
51509always see somebody who did worse.
51510 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
51511%
51512There's one fool at least in every married couple.
51513%
51514There's only one everything.
51515%
51516There's only one way to have a happy marriage
51517and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
51518 -- Clint Eastwood
51519%
51520There's small choice in rotten apples.
51521 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
51522%
51523There's so much plastic in this culture that
51524vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
51525 -- Lily Tomlin
51526%
51527There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
51528%
51529There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
51530Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
51531 -- G. Gordon Liddy
51532%
51533There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
51534If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
51535%
51536There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
51537 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
51538%
51539There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
51540 -- Richard Le Gallienne
51541%
51542These activities have their own rules and methods
51543of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
51544 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
51545%
51546"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
51547"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
51548"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
51549out of MEGATON MAN!"
51550%
51551These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
51552they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
51553%
51554They also serve who only stand and wait.
51555 -- John Milton
51556%
51557They also surf who only stand on waves.
51558%
51559They are called computers simply because computation is
51560the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
51561%
51562They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
51563what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
51564life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
51565 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
51566 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
51567%
51568They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
51569when they can see nothing but sea.
51570 -- Francis Bacon
51571%
51572They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
51573 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
51574%
51575They call them "squares" because it's the
51576most complicated shape they can deal with.
51577%
51578They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
51579 -- The Blues Brothers
51580%
51581They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
51582 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words,
51583 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
51584%
51585They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
51586are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
51587
51588(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
51589 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
51590 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850
51591 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including
51592 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in
51593 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them
51594 there.
51595(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
51596 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
51597 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction.
51598 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record
51599 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in
51600 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is
51601 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty
51602 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
51603 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
51604%
51605They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
51606try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
51607man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
51608only want to count to two.
51609 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
51610%
51611They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
51612 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
51613 question about the suffering of starving miners.
51614%
51615They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
51616%
51617They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
51618 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
51619%
51620They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by
51621Russians with Greek->German dictionaries
51622 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation
51623%
51624They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
51625%
51626"They make a desert and call it peace."
51627 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
51628%
51629They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
51630especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
51631but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
51632 -- Richard Nixon
51633%
51634They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
51635not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
51636learn this particular lesson.
51637 -- Richard Stallman
51638%
51639They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
51640system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
51641we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
51642
51643I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
51644my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
51645then we take Berlin.
51646
51647I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
51648and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station?
51649I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
51650 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
51651%
51652They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
51653always spell better than they pronounce.
51654 -- Mark Twain
51655%
51656"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
51657safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
51658 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
51659%
51660"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
51661%
51662They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
51663About a month before. Their hair began to curl
51664The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
51665But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
51666
51667He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
51668To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
51669And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
51670The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
51671
51672My notion was to start again
51673Ignoring all they'd done
51674We quickly turned it into code
51675To see if it would run.
51676%
51677They took some of the Van Goghs, most
51678of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
51679%
51680They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
51681 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
51682%
51683They use different words for things in America.
51684For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
51685They say drapes and we say curtains.
51686They say president and we say brain damaged git.
51687 -- Alexie Sayle
51688%
51689They went rushing down that freeway,
51690Messed around and got lost.
51691They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
51692And it was life in the fast lane.
51693 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
51694%
51695They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
51696 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.
51697%
51698They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
51699The man said "We got all that we can use",
51700So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
51701Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
51702 -- Jim Croce
51703%
51704They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
51705back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
51706of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
51707for freedom.
51708 -- Stig's Inferno
51709%
51710They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
51711 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
51712%
51713They're just jealous because they don't have three
51714wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
51715 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
51716 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
51717%
51718They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
51719%
51720"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
51721to like."
51722 -- Avon
51723%
51724Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
51725their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
51726 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
51727%
51728Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
51729 -- Dwight Eisenhower
51730%
51731Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
51732%
51733Things are not always what they seem.
51734 -- Phaedrus
51735%
51736Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
51737%
51738Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
51739%
51740Things past redress and now with me past care.
51741 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
51742%
51743Things will be bright in P.M.
51744A cop will shine a light in your face.
51745%
51746Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
51747 -- Will Rogers
51748%
51749Things worth having are worth cheating for.
51750%
51751Think big.
51752Pollute the Mississippi.
51753%
51754Think honk if you're a telepath.
51755%
51756Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
51757 -- Darrell Royal
51758%
51759Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
51760%
51761Think of your family tonight.
51762Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
51763%
51764Think sideways!
51765 -- Ed De Bono
51766%
51767Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
51768%
51769Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
51770 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
51771%
51772Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
51773It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
51774Have made my days and nights imperishable,
51775Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
51776Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
51777Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
51778But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
51779Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
51780%
51781Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
51782when the hostess has only twelve chops.
51783 -- Groucho Marx
51784%
51785"Thirty days hath Septober,
51786April, June, and no wonder.
51787all the rest have peanut butter
51788except my father who wears red suspenders."
51789%
51790Thirty white horses on a red hill,
51791First they champ,
51792Then they stamp,
51793Then they stand still.
51794 -- Tolkien
51795%
51796This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
51797Everye nighte and alle,
51798Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
51799And Christe receive thy saule.
51800 -- The Lykewake Dirge
51801%
51802This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
51803speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
51804batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
51805deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
51806Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
51807spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
51808beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
51809pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
51810half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
51811a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
51812individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
51813limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
51814%
51815This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
51816(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
51817 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
51818%
51819This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
51820%
51821This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
51822%
51823This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
51824%
51825This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
51826need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
51827random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
51828up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
51829all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
51830%
51831This fortune intentionally not included.
51832%
51833This fortune intentionally says nothing.
51834%
51835This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
51836invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
51837%
51838This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
51839%
51840This fortune is false.
51841%
51842This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
51843%
51844This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
51845%
51846This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
51847%
51848This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
51849%
51850This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
51851We have emotional moving vans.
51852 -- Bruce Feirstein
51853%
51854This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
51855bags! I just won the California lottery!"
51856 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
51857 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
51858of the house by dinner!"
51859%
51860This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
51861regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
51862%
51863This is a good time to punt work.
51864%
51865"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
51866DOG."
51867 -- Bob Violence
51868%
51869"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
51870actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
51871%
51872This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
51873Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
51874%
51875This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
51876because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
51877which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
51878"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
51879consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
51880rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
51881oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
51882Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
51883over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
51884innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
51885passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
51886amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
51887apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
51888and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
51889 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
51890%
51891This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
51892%
51893This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
51894Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
51895and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
51896%
51897This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
51898and not enough hunchbacks.
51899%
51900This is for all ill-treated fellows
51901 Unborn and unbegot,
51902For them to read when they're in trouble
51903 And I am not.
51904 -- A. E. Housman
51905%
51906This is Jim Rockford.
51907At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
51908%
51909"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
51910to one."
51911 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
51912%
51913This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
51914his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
51915Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
51916%
51917This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
51918I don't talk to machines! [Click]
51919%
51920This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
51921%
51922This is NOT a repeat.
51923%
51924This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
51925spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
51926who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
51927 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
51928%
51929THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
51930
51931If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
51932contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
51933without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
51934contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
51935can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
51936for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
51937difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
51938and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
51939"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
51940you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
51941Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
5194230 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
51943Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
51944more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
51945%
51946This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
51947Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
51948%
51949This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
51950meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
51951and come alone. I'm serious!
51952%
51953This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
51954which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
51955 -- Arthur Clarke
51956%
51957This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
51958power of computers:
51959
51960Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
51961thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
51962level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
51963one should eat each day:
51964
51965 1/2 chicken
51966 1 egg
51967 1 glass of skim milk
51968 27 heads of lettuce.
51969 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
51970%
51971This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
51972%
51973This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
51974 -- Winston Churchill
51975%
51976This is the story of the bee
51977Whose sex is very hard to see
51978
51979You cannot tell the he from the she
51980But she can tell, and so can he
51981
51982The little bee is never still
51983She has no time to take the pill
51984
51985And that is why, in times like these
51986There are so many sons of bees.
51987%
51988This is the theory that Jack built.
51989This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
51990This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
51991%
51992This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
51993And now you know why.
51994%
51995This is the way the world ends,
51996This is the way the world ends,
51997This is the way the world ends,
51998Not with a bang but with a whimper.
51999 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
52000%
52001This is your fortune.
52002%
52003This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
52004 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
52005%
52006This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
52007constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
52008been called by others the fiddle factor..."
52009 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
52010%
52011This land is full of trousers!
52012this land is full of mausers!
52013 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
52014 -- Firesign Theater
52015%
52016This land is made of mountains,
52017This land is made of mud,
52018This land has lots of everything,
52019For me and Elmer Fudd.
52020
52021This land has lots of trousers,
52022This land has lots of mousers,
52023And pussycats to eat them
52024When the sun goes down.
52025%
52026This land is my land, and only my land,
52027I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
52028If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
52029This land is private property.
52030 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
52031%
52032This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
52033actual life, you would have received further instructions as
52034to what to do and where to go.
52035%
52036This life is yours. Some of it was given
52037to you; the rest, you made yourself.
52038%
52039This login session: $13.99
52040%
52041This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
52042%
52043This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
52044%
52045This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
52046 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
52047%
52048This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
52049great force.
52050 -- Dorothy Parker
52051%
52052This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
52053are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
52054who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
52055don't actually hurt.
52056 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
52057Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
52058hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
52059man enough to take me on?"
52060 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
52061Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
52062tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
52063a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
52064Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
52065"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
52066 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
52067charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
52068After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
52069crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
52070"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
52071replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
52072%
52073This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
52074got to find a way off this planet.
52075%
52076This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
52077the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
52078solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
52079largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
52080which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
52081paper that were unhappy.
52082 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
52083%
52084This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
52085something child-like.
52086 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
52087%
52088This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
52089persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
52090assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
52091shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
52092condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
52093Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
52094indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
52095or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
52096penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled
52097check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
52098are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
52099offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
52100Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
52101not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
52102toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
52103appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
52104not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
52105paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
52106suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
52107strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
52108are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
52109all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
52110%
52111This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
52112student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
52113
52114 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
52115 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
52116 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
52117 which identifies errors in the original program.
52118%
52119This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
52120mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
52121often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
52122adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
52123 -- Lazarus Long
52124%
52125This screen intentionally left blank.
52126%
52127This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
52128 -- Hofstadter
52129%
52130This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
52131%
52132This sentence no verb.
52133%
52134This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
52135%
52136This thing all things devours:
52137Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
52138Gnaws iron, bites steel;
52139Grinds hard stones to meal;
52140Slays king, ruins town,
52141And beats high mountain down.
52142%
52143This unit... must... survive.
52144%
52145This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
52146contents may have occurred during shipment.
52147%
52148This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
52149dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
52150pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
52151 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
52152%
52153This was the most unkindest cut of all.
52154 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
52155%
52156This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
52157This was terrible with raisins in it.
52158 -- Dorothy Parker
52159%
52160This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
52161%
52162This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
52163%
52164This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
52165The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
52166could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
52167 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
52168wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
52169pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
52170and was lying about twenty feet away.
52171 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
52172"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
52173%
52174Those lovable Brits department:
52175 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
52176%
52177Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
52178of us who do.
52179%
52180Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
52181%
52182Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
52183are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
52184at are called software.
52185 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
52186 Literacy for the 1990's.
52187%
52188Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
52189learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
52190 -- W. S. Krabill
52191%
52192Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
52193Silly Putty.
52194 -- Dennis Rawlins
52195%
52196Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
52197%
52198Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
52199Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
52200%
52201Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
52202 -- George Santayana
52203%
52204Those who can't write, write manuals.
52205%
52206Those who claim the dead never return
52207to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
52208%
52209"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."
52210 -- French Proverb
52211%
52212Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
52213 -- Henry Spencer
52214%
52215Those who do things in a noble spirit of
52216self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
52217 -- N. Alexander.
52218%
52219Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
52220parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
52221 -- Aristotle
52222%
52223Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
52224surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
52225 -- Mark B. Cohen
52226%
52227Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
52228Often have a share in their misfortunes.
52229 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
52230%
52231Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
52232world is love. The poor know that it is money.
52233 -- Gerald Brenan
52234%
52235Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
52236%
52237Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
52238will make violent revolution inevitable.
52239 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
52240%
52241Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
52242men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
52243without the roar of its many waters.
52244 -- Frederick Douglass
52245%
52246Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
52247Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
52248While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
52249PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
52250Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung.
52251
52252Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
52253Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
52254Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
52255Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
52256The highest rung. In his bung.
52257
52258Because in life they prayed so ill
52259And offered god such swinish swill
52260Now they sweat in flames of hell
52261Sweat from lack of APL
52262Sweat dung!
52263%
52264Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
52265%
52266Thou hast seen nothing yet.
52267 -- Miguel de Cervantes
52268%
52269Thou shalt not omit adultery.
52270%
52271Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
52272be maintained.
52273 -- The Tao of Programming
52274%
52275Though I respect that a lot
52276I'd be fired if that were my job
52277After killing Jason off and
52278Countless screaming argonauts
52279
52280Bluebird of friendliness
52281Like guardian angels it's
52282Always near
52283
52284Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
52285Who watches over you
52286Make a little birdhouse in your soul
52287Not to put too fine a point on it
52288Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
52289Make a little birdhouse in your soul
52290
52291 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
52292%
52293Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
52294%
52295Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
52296the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
52297Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
52298whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
52299fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
52300more about the matter than the others.
52301 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
52302%
52303Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
52304 -- Trollope
52305%
52306Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
52307 -- Benjamin Franklin
52308%
52309Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
52310all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
52311"Old MacDonald had a . . ."
52312
52313 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
52314 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
52315 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
52316 service station," said the Missourian.
52317 "Wrong."
52318 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
52319 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
52320 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
52321%
52322Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
52323is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
52324 -- A. E. Houseman
52325%
52326Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
52327late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
52328 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
52329%
52330Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
52331Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
52332Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
52333One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
52334In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
52335One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
52336One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
52337In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
52338 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
52339%
52340Three rules for sounding like an expert:
52341 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
52342 2. Always point out second-order effects,
52343 but never point out when they can be ignored.
52344 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
52345%
52346Throw away documentation and manuals,
52347and users will be a hundred times happier.
52348Throw away privileges and quotas,
52349and users will do the Right Thing.
52350Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
52351and there won't be any pirating.
52352
52353If these three aren't enough,
52354just stay at your home directory
52355and let all processes take their course.
52356%
52357Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
52358what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
52359 -- Bertrand Russell
52360%
52361Thus spake the master programmer:
52362 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
52363is its own hell."
52364 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52365%
52366Thus spake the master programmer:
52367 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
52368 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52369%
52370Thus spake the master programmer:
52371 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
52372 be productive."
52373 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52374%
52375Thus spake the master programmer:
52376 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
52377 be maintained."
52378 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52379%
52380Thus spake the master programmer:
52381 "Time for you to leave."
52382 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52383%
52384Thus spake the master programmer:
52385 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
52386 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52387%
52388Thus spake the master programmer:
52389 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
52390 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
52391 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52392%
52393Thus spake the master programmer:
52394 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
52395 hardware is useless."
52396 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52397%
52398Thus spake the master programmer:
52399 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
52400 can't make him computer literate."
52401 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52402%
52403Thyme's Law:
52404 Everything goes wrong at once.
52405%
52406Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
52407Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
52408Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
52409Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
52410
52411Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
52412Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
52413You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
52414And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
52415
52416And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
52417And racing around to come up behind you again
52418The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
52419Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
52420
52421Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
52422 is the English way
52423Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
52424Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
52425Or half a page of scribbled lines
52426 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
52427%
52428Tiddely Quiddely
52429Edward M. Kennedy
52430Quite unaccountably
52431Drove in a stream.
52432
52433Pleas of amnesia
52434Incomprehensible
52435Possibly shattered
52436Political dream.
52437%
52438Tiger got to hunt,
52439Bird got to fly;
52440Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
52441
52442Tiger got to sleep,
52443Bird got to land;
52444Man got to tell himself he understand.
52445 -- The Books of Bokonon
52446%
52447Time and tide wait for no man.
52448%
52449Time as he grows old teaches all things.
52450 -- Aeschylus
52451%
52452Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
52453%
52454Time goes, you say?
52455Ah no!
52456Time stays, *we* go.
52457 -- Austin Dobson
52458%
52459Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
52460 -- Hector Berlioz
52461%
52462Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
52463 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
52464%
52465Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
52466%
52467Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
52468 -- Henry David Thoreau
52469%
52470Time is nature's way of making sure that
52471everything doesn't happen at once.
52472
52473Space is nature's way of making sure that
52474everything doesn't happen to you.
52475%
52476Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
52477 -- Theophrastus
52478%
52479Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
52480%
52481Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
52482%
52483Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
52484%
52485Time to take stock.
52486Go home with some office supplies.
52487%
52488Time washes clean
52489Love's wounds unseen.
52490That's what someone told me;
52491But I don't know what it means.
52492 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
52493%
52494Time will end all my troubles,
52495but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
52496%
52497Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
52498 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
52499%
52500timesharing, n:
52501 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
52502%
52503Timing must be perfect now.
52504Two-timing must be better than perfect.
52505%
52506Tip of the Day:
52507 Never fry bacon in the nude.
52508%
52509Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
52510 -- J. LeBoutillier
52511%
52512Tip the world over on its side and
52513everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
52514 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
52515%
52516TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
52517 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
52518 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
52519 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
52520 they would ordinarily.
52521 There is no music in space.
52522 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
52523 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
52524%
52525TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
52526force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
52527the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
52528to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
52529recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
52530Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
52531 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
52532 never been easier."
52533Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
52534it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
52535components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
52536work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the
52537magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
52538much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
52539But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
52540Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
52541Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
52542Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
525431-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
52544available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
52545%
52546Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
52547%
52548'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
52549 -- H. L. Mencken
52550%
52551'Tis the dream of each programmer,
52552Before his life is done,
52553To write three lines of APL,
52554And make the damn things run.
52555%
52556To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
52557is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
52558stopping at red lights are both optional.
52559 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52560%
52561To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
52562above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
52563to spend a few days there.
52564 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52565%
52566To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
52567in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
52568 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52569%
52570To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
52571in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
52572only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
52573Swedes speak better English.
52574 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52575%
52576To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
52577a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
52578thousand.
52579 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52580%
52581To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
52582To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
52583oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
52584 -- Epictetus
52585%
52586To add insult to injury.
52587 -- Phaedrus
52588%
52589To any truly impartial person, it would
52590be obvious that I am always right.
52591%
52592To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
52593 -- Elbert Hubbard
52594%
52595To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
52596 -- Shelley
52597%
52598To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
52599should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
52600 -- Thackeray
52601%
52602To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
52603than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
52604%
52605To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
52606Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
52607 -- Confucius
52608%
52609To be great is to be misunderstood.
52610 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
52611%
52612To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
52613Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
52614fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
52615It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
52616in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
52617weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
52618be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
52619a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
52620and not be happy.
52621 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
52622%
52623To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
52624%
52625To be is to be related.
52626 -- C. J. Keyser.
52627%
52628To be is to do.
52629 -- I. Kant
52630To do is to be.
52631 -- A. Sartre
52632Do be a Do Bee!
52633 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
52634Do be do be do!
52635 -- F. Sinatra
52636Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
52637 -- F. Flintstone
52638%
52639To be loved is very demoralizing.
52640 -- Katharine Hepburn
52641%
52642To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
52643night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
52644battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
52645 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
52646%
52647To be or not to be.
52648 -- Shakespeare
52649To do is to be.
52650 -- Nietzsche
52651To be is to do.
52652 -- Sartre
52653Do be do be do.
52654 -- Sinatra
52655%
52656To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
52657%
52658To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
52659but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
52660 -- Lionel Strachey
52661%
52662"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
52663this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
52664offer in response is based on information available to make no such
52665statement."
52666%
52667To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
52668 -- Golda Meir
52669%
52670To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
52671as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
52672%
52673To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
52674and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
52675%
52676To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
52677%
52678To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
52679%
52680To be wise, the only thing you really need
52681to know is when to say "I don't know."
52682%
52683To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
52684you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
52685 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
52686%
52687To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
52688To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
52689To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
52690To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
52691 To write those routines
52692To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
52693To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
52694To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
52695To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
52696 To this glorious quest,
52697And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
52698That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
52699 destined to lose,
52700Still strove with his last allocation
52701To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
52702 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
52703%
52704To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
52705 -- AT&T
52706%
52707To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
52708may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
52709 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
52710%
52711To craunch a marmoset.
52712 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
52713%
52714To criticize the incompetent is easy;
52715it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
52716%
52717To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
52718 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
52719%
52720To do nothing is to be nothing.
52721%
52722To do two things at once is to do neither.
52723 -- Publilius Syrus
52724%
52725To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
52726convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
52727 -- H. Poincare
52728%
52729To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
52730of four kids and one bathroom.
52731 -- John DiMarco
52732%
52733To err is human -- but it feels divine.
52734 -- Mae West
52735%
52736To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
52737%
52738To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
52739%
52740To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
52741%
52742To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
52743before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
52744%
52745To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
52746%
52747"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
52748%
52749To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
52750%
52751To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
52752%
52753To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
52754 -- MIT Assasination Club
52755%
52756To err is human, to forgive unusual.
52757%
52758To err is human, to moo bovine.
52759%
52760To err is human, to purr feline.
52761To err is human, two curs canine.
52762To err is human, to moo bovine.
52763%
52764To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
52765 -- Benjamin Franklin
52766%
52767To err is human.
52768To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
52769%
52770To err is human,
52771To purr feline.
52772 -- Robert Byrne
52773%
52774To err is humor.
52775%
52776To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
52777 -- B. Duggan
52778%
52779To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven:
52780A time to be born, and a time to die;
52781A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
52782A time to kill, and a time to heal;
52783A time to break down, and a time to build up;
52784A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
52785A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
52786A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
52787A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
52788A time to gain, and a time to lose;
52789A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
52790A time to tear, and a time to sew;
52791A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
52792A time to love, and a time to hate;
52793A time of war, and a time of peace.
52794 Ecclesiastes 3:1-9
52795%
52796To fear love is to fear life, and those
52797who fear life are already three parts dead.
52798 -- Bertrand Russell
52799%
52800To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
52801 -- Norman Douglas
52802%
52803To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
52804 -- Benjamin Franklin
52805%
52806To generalize is to be an idiot.
52807 -- William Blake
52808%
52809To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
52810%
52811To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
52812To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
52813%
52814To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
52815persons, two of them absent.
52816%
52817To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
52818%
52819To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
52820%
52821To have died once is enough.
52822 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
52823%
52824To hell with the Prime Directive;
52825Let's KILL something!
52826%
52827To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
52828 -- Thomas Edison
52829%
52830To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
52831 -- Robert Heller
52832%
52833To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
52834 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
52835%
52836To keep your friends treat them kindly;
52837to kill them, treat them often.
52838%
52839To know Edina is to reject it.
52840 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
52841%
52842To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
52843%
52844To lead people, you must follow behind.
52845 -- Lao Tsu
52846%
52847To listen to some devout people,
52848one would imagine that God never laughs.
52849 -- Sri Aurobindo
52850%
52851To love is good, love being difficult.
52852%
52853To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
52854%
52855To make tax forms true they should
52856read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
52857%
52858To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
52859 -- St. Augustine
52860%
52861TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
52862where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
52863circus and a clown killed my dad.
52864 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
52865%
52866To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
52867bitters. Shake.
52868 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
52869%
52870To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
52871 -- 19th century toast
52872%
52873To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
52874%
52875To restore a sense of reality, I think
52876Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
52877 -- Jack Paar
52878%
52879To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
52880%
52881To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
52882but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
52883micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
52884 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
52885%
52886To say you got a vote of confidence
52887would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
52888 -- Andrew Young
52889%
52890To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
52891%
52892To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
52893and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
52894agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
52895There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
52896it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
52897tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
52898mind over matter; quite.
52899 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
52900%
52901To see you is to sympathize.
52902%
52903To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
52904the job will take the longest and cost the most.
52905%
52906To stand and be still,
52907At the Birkenhead drill,
52908Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
52909 -- Rudyard Kipling
52910%
52911To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
52912of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
52913 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
52914%
52915To stay youthful, stay useful.
52916%
52917To teach is to learn.
52918%
52919To teach is to learn twice.
52920 -- Joseph Joubert
52921%
52922To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
52923%
52924To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
52925%
52926To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
52927a test load.
52928%
52929To Theodore Roosevelt:
52930 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
52931The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
52932you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
52933must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
52934 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
52935 Lord of the Riff
52936 Sultan to the Berbers
52937 Last of the Barbary Pirates
52938%
52939To thine own self be true.
52940(If not that, at least make some money.)
52941%
52942To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
52943madness.
52944 -- Eugene Ionesco
52945%
52946To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
52947system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
52948inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
52949precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
52950uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
52951well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
52952of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
52953secure ecological niche.
52954 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
52955%
52956TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
52957
52958 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
52959what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
52960may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
52961 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
52962to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
52963destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
52964or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
52965receving said benefit.
52966 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
52967yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving
52968as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
52969in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
52970 Amen.
52971 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
52972%
52973To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
52974%
52975To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
52976he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
52977%
52978To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
52979telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
52980computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
52981in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
52982lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
52983
52984Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
52985suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
52986computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
52987one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
52988break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
52989incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
52990an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
52991pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
52992loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
52993and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
52994 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
52995 Phones?"
52996%
52997To use violence is to already be defeated.
52998 -- Chinese proverb
52999%
53000"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
53001%
53002To whom the mornings are like nights,
53003What must the midnights be!
53004 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
53005%
53006To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
53007strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
53008Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
53009and take by force a satisfying mesh.
53010Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
53011You are the master here, and they the slaves.
53012Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
53013and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
53014A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
53015What use are words that drive not to the heart?
53016A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
53017and choose more docile words to take its part.
53018A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
53019by making love directly to the brain.
53020%
53021To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
53022 -- Woody Allen
53023%
53024Tobacco is a filthy weed,
53025That from the devil does proceed;
53026It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
53027And makes a chimney of your nose.
53028 -- B. Waterhouse
53029%
53030TODAY:
53031 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
53032%
53033Today is a good day for information-gathering.
53034Read someone else's mail file.
53035%
53036Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
53037%
53038Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
53039%
53040Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
53041%
53042Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
53043%
53044Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
53045%
53046Today is the last day of your life so far.
53047%
53048Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
53049%
53050Today is what happened to yesterday.
53051%
53052"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
53053except in major motion pictures."
53054 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
53055%
53056Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
53057cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
53058boarder.
53059%
53060Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
53061%
53062Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
53063
53064And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
53065 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
53066%
53067Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
53068cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
53069spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
53070 -- Bob & Ray
53071%
53072Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why.
53073 -- Hunter S. Thompson
53074%
53075Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
53076%
53077toilet toupee, n:
53078 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
53079 creating endless annoyance to male users.
53080 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
53081%
53082Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
53083 -- Gore Vidal
53084%
53085Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
53086but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
53087%
53088Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
53089%
53090Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
53091%
53092Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
53093 -- DEC
53094%
53095Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
53096%
53097Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
53098Don't forget to leave a tip.
53099%
53100Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
53101%
53102Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
53103 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
53104%
53105Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
53106driving cabs and cutting hair.
53107 -- George Burns
53108%
53109TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
53110real fast and freak everybody out.
53111 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
53112%
53113Too clever is dumb.
53114 -- Ogden Nash
53115%
53116Too cool to calypso,
53117Too tough to tango,
53118Too weird to watusi
53119 -- The Only Ones
53120%
53121Too Late
53122 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
53123the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
53124the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
53125the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
53126 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
53127%
53128Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
53129They seem more afraid of life than death.
53130 -- James F. Byrnes
53131%
53132Too much is just enough.
53133 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
53134%
53135Too much is not enough.
53136%
53137Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
53138 -- Mae West
53139%
53140Too much of everything is just enough.
53141 -- Bob Wier
53142%
53143Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
53144briefcases.
53145 -- Governor Jerry Brown
53146%
53147Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
53148anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
53149in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
53150 -- Instrument News
53151 [Once is too often. Ed.]
53152%
53153Too ripped. Gotta go.
53154%
53155Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
53156%
53157Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
53158
5315910) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
53160 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
53161 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
53162 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
53163 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
53164 assurance people in its wake.
53165 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
53166 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
53167 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
53168 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
53169 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
53170 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
53171 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
53172 original Klingon.
53173 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
53174 it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
53175%
53176Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
53177earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
53178As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
53179Please...
53180
53181 CONSERVE GRAVITY
53182
53183Follow these simple suggestions:
53184
53185(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
53186(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
53187(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
53188 curling.
53189(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
53190(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
53191 pile.
53192(6) Stop flipping pancakes
53193%
53194Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
53195
5319610: Sorry, but that's too useful.
53197 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
53198 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
53199 #pragma is for.
53200 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
53201 hard to write.
53202 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
53203 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
53204 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
53205 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
53206 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
53207 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
53208%
53209Topologists are just plane folks.
53210 Pilots are just plane folks.
53211 Carpenters are just plane folks.
53212 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
53213 Musicians are just playin' folks.
53214 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
53215Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
53216%
53217Torque is cheap.
53218%
53219Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
53220%
53221TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
53222 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
53223%
53224Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
53225 -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
53226%
53227Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
53228get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
53229 -- David Letterman
53230%
53231Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
53232personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
53233 -- A. Gide
53234%
53235Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
53236 -- David Letterman
53237%
53238TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
53239%
53240TRANSFER:
53241 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
53242%
53243TRANSPARENT:
53244 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
53245 "It's there, but you can't see it"
53246 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.
53247
53248VIRTUAL:
53249 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
53250 "I can see it, but it's not there."
53251 -- Lady Macbeth.
53252%
53253TRANSVESTITE:
53254 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
53255%
53256Trap full -- please empty.
53257%
53258TRAVEL:
53259 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
53260%
53261Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
53262%
53263Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
53264 -- Han Solo
53265%
53266Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
53267"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
53268 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
53269to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
53270by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
53271for a short spell?"
53272%
53273Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
53274 -- Publilius Syrus
53275%
53276Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
53277 -- Charles DeGaulle
53278%
53279Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
53280 -- Michelangelo
53281%
53282Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
53283%
53284Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
53285%
53286Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
53287next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
53288a brand new series of three.
53289%
53290Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
53291in eucalyptus trees.
53292%
53293Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
53294%
53295True happiness will be found only in true love.
53296%
53297True leadership is the art of changing
53298a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
53299 -- Virginia Allan
53300%
53301True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
53302personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
53303 -- David Mamet
53304%
53305Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
53306 -- Henrik Tikkanen
53307%
53308Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
53309 -- Norman Augustine
53310%
53311Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
53312 -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
53313%
53314Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
53315 -- Arabian proverb
53316%
53317TRUST ME:
53318 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
53319%
53320TRUST ME:
53321 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
53322%
53323Trust your husband, adore your husband,
53324and get as much as you can in your own name.
53325 -- Joan Rivers
53326%
53327Truth can wait; he's used to it.
53328%
53329Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
53330 -- Albert Schweitzer
53331%
53332Truth is free, but information costs.
53333%
53334Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
53335%
53336"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
53337%
53338Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
53339 -- Mark Twain
53340%
53341Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
53342of him that brought her birth.
53343 -- Milton
53344%
53345Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
53346%
53347Truthful, adj.:
53348 Dumb and illiterate.
53349 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
53350%
53351try again
53352%
53353Try not to have a good time ...
53354This is supposed to be educational.
53355 -- Charles Schulz
53356%
53357Try not.
53358Do.
53359Or do not.
53360There is no try.
53361%
53362Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
53363%
53364Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
53365%
53366Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
53367%
53368Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
53369%
53370Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
53371it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
53372tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
53373novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
53374the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
53375 -- Amrom Katz
53376%
53377Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
53378%
53379Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
53380%
53381Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
53382 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
53383%
53384Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
53385%
53386Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
53387specification is that it should run noiselessly.
53388%
53389Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
53390 -- Alan Watts
53391%
53392Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.
53393%
53394Trying to get an education here is like
53395trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
53396%
53397T-shirt:
53398 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
53399%
53400Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
53401%
53402Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
53403%
53404Turn on, tune in, and take over.
53405 -- Tim Leary
53406%
53407Turn the other cheek.
53408 -- Jesus Christ
53409%
53410Turnaucka's Law:
53411 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
53412 electrical cord.
53413%
53414Tussman's Law:
53415 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
53416%
53417TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
53418 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
53419%
53420'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
53421and I never even had the decency to thank her.
53422 -- R. B. Gossling
53423%
53424"Twas bergen and the eirie road
53425Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
53426All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
53427And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
53428 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
53429He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
53430Long time the folsom foe he sought
53431Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
53432And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
53433 Came whippany through the englewood,
53434One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
53435 and through
53436The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
53437He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
53438He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
53439 He caldwell in his joy.
53440Did mahwah into patterson:
53441All jersey were the ocean groves,
53442And the red bank bayonne.
53443 -- Paul Kieffer
53444%
53445'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
53446Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
53447All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
53448And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
53449 Beware the Jubjub bird,
53450He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
53451Long time the manxome foe he sought.
53452So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
53453And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
53454 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
53455One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
53456 through
53457The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
53458He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
53459And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
53460 He chortled in his joy.
53461'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
53462Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
53463All mimsy were the borogroves
53464And the mome raths outgrabe.
53465 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
53466%
53467'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
53468Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
53469All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
53470By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
53471 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
53472He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
53473Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
53474Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
53475And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
53476 Came waffling with the truth too good,
53477Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
53478 and through
53479The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
53480It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
53481He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
53482 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
53483'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
53484Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
53485All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
53486And mammon's wrath them bash!
53487 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
53488%
53489'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
53490Did gyre and gimble in their cave
53491All mimsy was the CS-VAX
53492And Cory raths outgrabe.
53493
53494"Beware the software rot, my son!
53495The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
53496Beware the broken pipe, and shun
53497The frumious system crash!"
53498%
53499'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
53500Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
53501So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
53502To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
53503
53504The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
53505Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
53506Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
53507On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
53508
53509She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
53510Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
53511As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
53512And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
53513 -- Midnight On The Ocean
53514%
53515'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
53516When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
53517Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
53518A satellite spotted him making his way.
53519The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
53520Was ready for action, and started to fire!
53521The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
53522Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
53523I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
53524When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
53525I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
53526St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
53527But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
53528A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
53529Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
53530Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
53531So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
53532The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
53533Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
53534'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
53535It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
53536If the crazy contraption would work very well.
53537So after a trillion or two had been spent
53538The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.
53539So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
53540There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
53541%
53542'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
53543 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
53544 throughout our place of residence,
53545Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
53546 possessors of this potential, including that
53547 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
53548Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
53549 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
53550Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
53551 imminent visitation from an eccentric
53552 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
53553 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
53554%
53555Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
53556 -- Walt Kelly
53557%
53558Twenty two thousand days.
53559Twenty two thousand days.
53560It's not a lot.
53561It's all you've got.
53562Twenty two thousand days.
53563 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
53564%
53565Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
53566in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
53567was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
53568fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
53569 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
53570"Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
53571 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
53572 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
53573collision course with that ship.
53574 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
53575a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
53576 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
53577 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
53578degrees!"
53579 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
53580course 20 degrees."
53581 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
53582battleship, change course 20 degrees."
53583 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
53584 We changed course.
53585 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
53586%
53587Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
53588 -- Howard Kandel
53589%
53590Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
53591%
53592Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
53593penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
53594"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
53595owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
53596up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
53597away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
53598the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
53599the movies!"
53600%
53601Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
53602barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
53603 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
53604knows when to stop."
53605%
53606Two heads are better than one.
53607 -- John Heywood
53608%
53609Two heads are more numerous than one.
53610%
53611Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
53612performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
53613British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
53614Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
53615her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
53616a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
53617entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
53618and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
53619search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
53620incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
53621became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
53622%
53623Two is company, three is an orgy.
53624%
53625Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
53626%
53627Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
53628canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
53629call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
53630end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
53631 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
53632are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
53633 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
53634You're lost!"
53635 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
53636 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
53637 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
53638he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
53639%
53640Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
53641"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
53642"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
53643trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
53644his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
53645the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
53646and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
53647did it and must pay three silver pieces."
53648%
53649Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
53650%
53651Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
53652with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
53653toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
53654 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
53655at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
53656dry side.
53657 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
53658 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
53659%
53660Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
53661%
53662Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
53663%
53664Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
53665%
53666Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
53667the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
53668 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
53669%
53670Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
53671I forget the second.
53672%
53673Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
53674orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
53675and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
53676they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
53677toasts him, "Skoal!"
53678 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
53679here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
53680%
53681Two wrongs are only the beginning.
53682 -- Kohn
53683%
53684Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
53685 -- Thomas Szasz
53686%
53687Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
53688%
53689Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
53690In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
53691What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
53692Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
53693
53694Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
53695The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
53696On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
53697What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
53698
53699And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
53700Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
53701And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
53702What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
53703
53704Could fetch it from the furnace deep
53705And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
53706In the well of sanguine woe?
53707In what clay & in what mould
53708Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
53709 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
53710%
53711Type louder, please.
53712%
53713U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
53714 Run right up and rub its horn.
53715 Look at all those points you're losing!
53716 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
53717 -- The Roguelet's ABC
53718%
53719"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
53720
53721(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
53722 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
53723%
53724Udall's Fourth Law:
53725 Any change or reform you make
53726 is going to have consequences you don't like.
53727%
53728UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
53729%
53730Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
53731straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
53732Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
53733 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
53734%
53735Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
53736Sorry for the confusion.
53737 -- Sun Microsystems
53738%
53739Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
53740woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
53741leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
53742coughing and drops dead.
53743 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
53744%
53745"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
53746
53747"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
53748right?"
53749 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
53750%
53751Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
53752 Never use your thumb for a rule.
53753 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
53754%
53755Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
53756just man is also in prison.
53757 -- Henry David Thoreau
53758%
53759Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
53760ordinance under which you can be booked.
53761 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
53762%
53763Under capitalism, man exploits man.
53764Under communism, it's just the opposite.
53765 -- J. K. Galbraith
53766%
53767Under deadline pressure for the next week.
53768If you want something, it can wait.
53769Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
53770%
53771Under every stone lurks a politician.
53772 -- Aristophanes
53773%
53774Under the wide and heavy VAX
53775Dig my grave and let me relax
53776Long have I lived, and many my hacks
53777And I lay me down with a will.
53778These be the words that tell the way:
53779"Here he lies who piped 64K,
53780Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
53781And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
53782%
53783Under the wide and starry sky,
53784Dig my grave and let me lie,
53785Glad did I live and gladly die,
53786And laid me down with a will,
53787And this be the verse that you grave for me,
53788Here he lies where he longed to be,
53789Home is the sailor home from the sea,
53790And the hunter home from the hill.
53791 -- R. Kipling
53792%
53793Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
53794 Superiority is recessive.
53795%
53796understand, v:
53797 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
53798 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
53799 basis of your own internal model instead.
53800%
53801Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
53802in relation to a bigger problem.
53803 -- P. D. Ouspensky
53804%
53805Unfair animal names:
53806
53807-- tsetse fly -- bullhead
53808-- booby -- duck-billed platypus
53809-- sapsucker -- Clarence
53810 -- Gary Larson
53811%
53812UNFAIR COMPETITION:
53813 Selling cheaper than we do.
53814%
53815Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
53816friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
53817throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
53818slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
53819 -- Jon Bentley
53820%
53821Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
53822 -- Bertolt Brecht
53823%
53824UNION:
53825 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
53826%
53827United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
53828season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
53829forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
53830every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
53831low over the world.
53832 -- Isaac Asimov
53833%
53834universe, n:
53835 The problem.
53836%
53837Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
53838in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
53839%
53840UNIVERSITY:
53841 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
53842 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
53843 you how to fix it, and...
53844
53845 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
53846 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
53847%
53848University, n.:
53849 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
53850usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
53851fix it, and ...
53852%
53853University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
53854 -- Henry Kissinger
53855%
53856UNIX enhancements aren't.
53857%
53858Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
53859of more feet, just to be sure.
53860 -- Eric Allman
53861
53862... We make rope.
53863 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.
53864%
53865Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
53866hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
53867but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
53868People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
53869world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
53870 -- E. Post
53871 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
53872%
53873Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
53874 -- Donn Seeley
53875%
53876UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
53877lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
53878 -- Michael Jay Tucker
53879%
53880UNIX is many things to many people,
53881but it's never been everything to anybody.
53882%
53883Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
53884 -- Berry Kercheval
53885%
53886Unix, n:
53887 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
53888 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
53889 with the workstation harem.
53890%
53891unix soit qui mal y pense
53892%
53893UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
53894Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
53895 -- Andy Tannenbaum
53896%
53897UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
53898would also stop you from doing clever things.
53899 -- Doug Gwyn
53900%
53901Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
53902%
53903Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
53904between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
53905and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
53906 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
53907%
53908Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
53909of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
53910a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
53911be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
53912time waste me.
53913 -- William Shakespeare
53914%
53915Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
53916 -- E.E. Cummings
53917%
53918Unnamed Law:
53919 If it happens, it must be possible.
53920%
53921Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
53922unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
53923 -- Edward Gibbon
53924%
53925Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
53926pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
53927 -- H. L. Mencken
53928%
53929Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
53930 -- Richard Amour
53931%
53932UNTOLD WEALTH:
53933 What you left out on April 15th.
53934%
53935Up against the net, redneck mother,
53936Mother who has raised your son so well;
53937He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
53938Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
53939%
53940Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
53941or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
53942noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
53943 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
53944%
53945Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
53946%
53947Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
53948%
53949Use a pun, go to jail.
53950%
53951Use an accordion. Go to jail.
53952 -- KFOG, San Francisco
53953%
53954Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
53955if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
53956 -- Henry Van Dyke
53957%
53958USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
53959more labor and less oratory.
53960 -- Elizabeth Haley
53961%
53962User hostile.
53963%
53964User n.:
53965 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
53966%
53967user, n:
53968 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
53969 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
53970
53971[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
53972 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
53973%
53974Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging
53975an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone
53976living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench.
53977 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University.
53978%
53979Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
53980 -- S. C. Johnson
53981%
53982Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
53983text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
53984goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
53985didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
53986
53987I always hated those adventure games.
53988 -- David Gerard
53989%
53990Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
53991 -- Tom Robbins
53992%
53993/usr/news/gotcha
53994%
53995Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
53996 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
53997%
53998Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
53999opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
54000 -- Doug Larson
54001%
54002VACATION:
54003 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
54004 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
54005 life-style to recuperate.
54006%
54007Vail's Second Axiom:
54008 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
54009amount of work already completed.
54010%
54011Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
54012Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
54013 -- Tom Chapin
54014%
54015Van Roy's Law:
54016 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
54017%
54018Van Roy's Law:
54019 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
54020
54021Van Roy's Truism:
54022 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
54023%
54024Vanilla, adj.:
54025 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
54026very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
54027extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
54028"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
54029and sour won ton soup.
54030%
54031Variables don't; constants aren't.
54032%
54033Vax Vobiscum
54034%
54035Vegetables are what food eats.
54036Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
54037Fish are fast moving vegetables.
54038Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
54039 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
54040%
54041Vegeterians beware! You are what you eat.
54042%
54043Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
54044 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
54045 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
54046%
54047Veni, Vidi, Visa.
54048%
54049Veni, Vidi, VISA:
54050 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
54051%
54052Verba volant, scripta manent!
54053%
54054Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
54055 -- E. F. Benson
54056%
54057Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
54058reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
54059thirty-five.
54060 -- Joel Hildebrand
54061%
54062Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
54063%
54064Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
54065infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
54066could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
54067somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
54068ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
54069quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
54070lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
54071outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
54072little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
54073for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
54074screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
54075is presumably working on it.
54076%
54077Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
54078at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
54079 -- Herodotus
54080%
54081Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
54082%
54083VI:
54084 A hungry dog hunts best.
54085 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
54086VII:
54087 Decreased business base increases overhead.
54088 So does increased business base.
54089VIII:
54090 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
54091 is fifth grade arithmetic.
54092IX:
54093 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
54094 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
54095X:
54096 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
54097 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
54098 -- Norman Augustine
54099%
54100Victory uber allies!
54101%
54102Viking, n:
54103 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
54104 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
54105 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
54106 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
54107 in the 9th century.
54108
54109Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
54110only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
54111property.
54112%
54113Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
54114Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
54115 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
54116%
54117Vini, vidi, vici.
54118[I came, I saw, I conquered].
54119 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
54120%
54121"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
54122violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
54123ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
54124issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
54125%
54126Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
54127%
54128Violence is molding.
54129%
54130Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
54131 -- Salvador Hardin
54132%
54133Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
54134there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
54135frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
54136weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
54137impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
54138shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
54139 -- Tom Robbins
54140%
54141VIRGINIA:
54142 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
54143 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
54144%
54145Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
54146yard.
54147%
54148VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
54149 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
54150sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
54151fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
54152%
54153VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
54154 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
54155 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
54156 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
54157 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
54158 that old underwear you own.
54159%
54160"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
54161%
54162Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
54163only the willingness to make it when necessary.
54164 -- Frederick Dunn
54165%
54166Virtue is its own punishment.
54167 -- Denniston
54168
54169Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
54170 -- Aneurin Bevan
54171%
54172Virtue is not left to stand alone.
54173He who practices it will have neighbors.
54174 -- Confucius
54175%
54176Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
54177 -- La Rochefoucauld
54178%
54179Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
54180%
54181Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
54182%
54183Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
54184 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
54185%
54186Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
54187from where you left them to where you can't find them.
54188%
54189Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
54190%
54191VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
54192%
54193VMS, n:
54194 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
54195%
54196VMS version 2.0 ==>
54197%
54198Voicless it cries,
54199Wingless flutters,
54200Toothless bites,
54201Mouthless mutters.
54202%
54203VOLCANO:
54204 A mountain with hiccups.
54205%
54206Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
54207And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
54208And to him who's scientific
54209There is nothing that's terrific
54210In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
54211 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
54212%
54213Volley Theory:
54214 It is better to have lobbed and lost
54215 than never to have lobbed at all.
54216%
54217Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
54218supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
54219the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
54220how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
54221information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
54222Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
54223%
54224Vote anarchist.
54225%
54226Vote early and vote often.
54227 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
54228 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
54229%
54230Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
54231TAX-DEFERRED!
54232%
54233VUJA DE:
54234 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
54235%
54236VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
54237%
54238Wad some power the giftie gie us
54239To see oursels as others see us.
54240 -- R. Browning
54241%
54242Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
54243 -- Mark Twain
54244%
54245Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
54246 -- Pericles
54247%
54248Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
542491st customer: "I'll have tea."
542502nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
54251 (Waiter exits, returns)
54252Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
54253%
54254Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
54255Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
54256Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
54257Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
54258
54259Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
54260Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
54261Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
54262Make our country well again, respected by the world.
54263
54264Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
54265Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
54266Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
54267Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
54268 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
54269%
54270Wake up and smell the coffee.
54271 -- Ann Landers
54272%
54273Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
54274a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
54275%
54276Walk softly and carry a big stick.
54277 -- Theodore Roosevelt
54278%
54279Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
54280%
54281Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
54282 -- Jack Kerouac
54283%
54284Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions
54285 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics.
54286 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.)
54287%
54288Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
54289Garp: Gradual school?
54290Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
54291 gradual school.
54292Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
54293 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
54294 -- The World According To Garp
54295%
54296Walters' Rule:
54297 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
54298 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
54299 on a plane that left Gate 1.
54300%
54301Wanna buy a duck?
54302%
54303Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
54304A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
54305But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
54306When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
54307 black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
54308
54309Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
54310The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
54311They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
54312So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
54313 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
54314%
54315War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
54316%
54317War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
54318 -- Charles Edward Montague
54319%
54320War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
54321%
54322War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
54323 -- Desiderius Erasmus
54324%
54325War is like love, it always finds a way.
54326 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
54327%
54328War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
54329 -- Clemenceau
54330%
54331War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
54332%
54333War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
54334 -- Anacreon
54335%
54336WARNING:
54337 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
54338 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
54339 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
54340 of your favorite war.
54341%
54342WARNING!
54343 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
54344A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
54345user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
54346to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
54347to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
54348aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
54349entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
54350it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
54351things to the terminal.
54352%
54353Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
54354%
54355Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
54356those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
54357up.
54358 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
54359%
54360Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
54361Survivors will be shot again.
54362%
54363WARNING!!!
54364This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
54365
54366A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
54367operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
54368machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
54369to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
54370only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
54371may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
54372and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
54373
54374See also: flog(1), tm(1)
54375%
54376Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
54377%
54378Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
54379In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
54380There was a time they could cry over books,
54381But time has set its maggot on their track.
54382Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
54383What's never known is safest in this life.
54384Under the skysigns they who have no arms
54385Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
54386Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
54387 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
54388%
54389Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810.
54390%
54391Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
54392%
54393Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
54394 -- John F. Kennedy
54395%
54396[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
54397the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
54398 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
54399%
54400Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
54401knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
54402%
54403Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
54404 -- Euripides
54405%
54406Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
54407%
54408Wasting time is an important part of living.
54409%
54410Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
54411%
54412Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
54413 -- Han Solo
54414%
54415Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
54416 -- Mark Twain
54417%
54418Watership Down:
54419You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
54420%
54421Watson's Law:
54422 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
54423 number and significance of any persons watching it.
54424%
54425WE:
54426 The single most important word in the world.
54427%
54428We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
54429when it's necessary to compromise.
54430 -- Larry Wall
54431%
54432We all declare for liberty, but in using the
54433same word we do not all mean the same thing.
54434 -- Abraham Lincoln
54435%
54436We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
54437%
54438We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
54439%
54440We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
54441%
54442We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
54443 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
54444%
54445We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
54446 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
54447%
54448We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
54449whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
54450is that it is not crazy enough.
54451 -- Niels Bohr
54452%
54453We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
54454before we are fit to participate in society.
54455 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
54456 Correct Behaviour"
54457%
54458We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
54459%
54460We are all born mad. Some remain so.
54461 -- Samuel Beckett
54462%
54463We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
54464%
54465We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
54466 -- Oscar Wilde
54467%
54468We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
54469 -- A. Schweitzer
54470%
54471We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
54472 -- Winston Churchill
54473%
54474We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
54475 -- Ray Bradbury
54476%
54477We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
54478 -- Whole Earth Catalog
54479%
54480We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
54481 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
54482%
54483We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
54484 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
54485%
54486We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
54487own facts.
54488 -- Patrick Moynihan
54489%
54490We are each only one drop in a great
54491ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
54492%
54493We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
54494%
54495We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
54496dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
54497 -- J. Hoover
54498%
54499We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
54500socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
54501thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
54502 -- Fidel Castro
54503%
54504We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
54505 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
54506%
54507We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
54508Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
54509%
54510We are not a clone.
54511%
54512We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
54513 -- John Fisher
54514%
54515We are not alone.
54516%
54517We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
54518rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
54519 -- Victor Hugo
54520%
54521"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
54522theorem."
54523 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
54524%
54525We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
54526develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
54527Manual.
54528 -- Andrew Hume
54529%
54530We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
54531%
54532We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
54533 -- Jonathon Swift
54534%
54535We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
54536the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
54537
54538This is a recording.
54539%
54540We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
54541share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
54542our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
54543leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
54544the substance that cast them.
54545%
54546We are the people our parents warned us about.
54547%
54548We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
54549to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
54550 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
54551%
54552We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
54553The order is not insignificant.
54554 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
54555%
54556"We are upping our standards ... so up yours."
54557 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
54558%
54559We are what we are.
54560%
54561We are what we pretend to be.
54562 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
54563%
54564We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
54565%
54566We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
54567 -- Yates
54568%
54569We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
54570technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
54571 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
54572%
54573We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
54574 -- Sir Francis Bacon
54575%
54576We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
54577 -- Calvin Coolidge
54578%
54579We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
54580deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
54581 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
54582%
54583We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
54584 -- Richard Nixon
54585%
54586We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
54587feet and go skating.
54588 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
54589%
54590We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
54591take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
54592forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
54593into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
54594beautiful Universe, Our home.
54595 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
54596%
54597"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
54598 -- Vroomfondel
54599%
54600We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
54601 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
54602%
54603We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
54604%
54605We don't care how they do it in New York.
54606%
54607We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
54608 -- James Watt, noted theologian
54609%
54610We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
54611%
54612We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
54613%
54614We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
54615that it wasn't a fish.
54616 -- Marshall McLuhan
54617%
54618We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
54619 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
54620%
54621We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
54622 -- Pink Floyd
54623%
54624We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
54625We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
54626No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
54627Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
54628Chorus: (Chorus)
54629 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
54630
54631We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
54632We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
54633No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
54634Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
54635(Chorus) (Chorus)
54636 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
54637%
54638We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
54639%
54640We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
54641 -- Walter Summers
54642%
54643We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
54644understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
54645%
54646We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
54647Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
54648visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
54649hammer.
54650 -- Charles Darwin
54651%
54652We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
54653 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
54654%
54655We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
54656 -- La Rochefoucauld
54657%
54658We gotta get out of this place,
54659If it's the last thing we ever do.
54660 -- The Animals
54661%
54662"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
54663hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
54664mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
54665our grave singing Halleluja ..."
54666 -- Monty Python
54667%
54668We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
54669%
54670We have art that we do not die of the truth.
54671 -- Nietzsche
54672%
54673We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
54674%
54675We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
54676levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
54677almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
54678men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
54679Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
54680is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
54681creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
54682redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
54683 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
54684%
54685We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
54686 -- Carl Sagan
54687%
54688We have met the enemy, and he is us.
54689 -- Walt Kelly
54690%
54691We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
54692than from the machinations of the wicked.
54693%
54694We have no scorched earth policy.
54695We have a policy of scorched Communists.
54696 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
54697%
54698We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
54699our children.
54700%
54701We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
54702 -- Margaret Mead
54703%
54704We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
54705back to normal, and that they already have.
54706%
54707We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
54708 -- John Berryman
54709%
54710"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
54711hands for masturbation."
54712 -- Lily Tomlin
54713%
54714We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
54715%
54716We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
54717official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
54718Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
54719you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
54720said "ELECTROCUTION".
54721
54722Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
54723teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
54724process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
54725couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
54726out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
54727stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
54728floor, which is how the police would find you.
54729
54730You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
54731 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
54732%
54733We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
54734%
54735"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
54736star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
54737
54738[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
54739were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
54740character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
54741after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
54742acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
54743letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
54744looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
54745that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
54746should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
54747source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
54748instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
54749publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
54750to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
54751was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
54752temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
54753 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
54754%
54755We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
54756to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
54757Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
54758to crave knowledge.
54759 -- George Will
54760%
54761We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
54762of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
54763the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
54764know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
54765which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
54766about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
54767his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
54768hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
54769pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
54770by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
54771feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
54772 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
54773%
54774We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
54775 -- Eric Hoffer
54776%
54777We love our little Johnny
54778He's the best little boy in all the world
54779And we wouldn't trade him for anything
54780That's how much we love him.
54781No, we couldn't live without him
54782So that's why, since he died,
54783We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
54784He's so good, so well-behaved,
54785Even better than before;
54786Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
54787Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
54788Never miss our little Johnny,
54789He'll never grow up and leave us
54790That's why we love him like we do.
54791 -- Mr. Mincemeat
54792%
54793"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
54794free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
54795show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
54796our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
54797 -- Cameron Hawley
54798%
54799We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
54800than malnutrition.
54801 -- Alex Comfort
54802%
54803We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
54804intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
54805think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
54806best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
54807the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
54808and speak English.
54809 -- Alan M. Turing
54810%
54811We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
54812their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
54813their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor
54814Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
54815nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
54816themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
54817proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
54818we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
54819Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
54820internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
54821of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
54822accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
54823earth.
54824 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
54825%
54826We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
54827popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
54828under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
54829of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
54830filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
54831 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
54832%
54833We may not return the affection of those who like us,
54834but we always respect their good judgement.
54835%
54836...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
54837by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
54838I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
54839brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
54840an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
54841functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
54842uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
54843of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
54844 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
54845%
54846We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
54847of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
54848 -- Saul Alinsky
54849%
54850We must die because we have known them.
54851 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
54852%
54853We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
54854condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
54855the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of
54856chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
54857for chess.
54858 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
54859 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
54860 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
54861 "Stalin," published London, 1939
54862%
54863...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
54864we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
54865in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
54866the past.
54867 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
54868%
54869We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
54870the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
54871is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
54872 -- Walter Lippmann
54873%
54874We must remember the First Amendment which
54875protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
54876 -- F. G. Withington
54877%
54878We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
54879the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
54880children smart.
54881 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
54882%
54883We only acknowledge small faults in order
54884to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
54885 -- LaRouchefoucauld
54886%
54887We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
54888people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
54889For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
54890to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
54891fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
54892primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
54893ugly paneling is to begin with.
54894 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
54895%
54896We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
54897originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
54898forgotten its source.
54899 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
54900%
54901We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
54902rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
54903%
54904We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
54905%
54906We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
54907content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
54908 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
54909%
54910We read to say that we have read.
54911%
54912We really don't have any enemies.
54913It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
54914%
54915We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
54916 -- Thucydides
54917%
54918We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
54919Only non-sense attains perfection.
54920 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
54921%
54922We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
54923 -- Jean de la Bruyere
54924%
54925We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
54926in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
54927stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
54928is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
54929 -- Mark Twain
54930%
54931We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
54932born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
54933out and shot.
54934 -- Strange de Jim
54935%
54936We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
54937taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
54938themselves.
54939 -- John Locke
54940%
54941We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
54942Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
54943 -- Dennis Miller
54944%
54945We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
54946 -- S. I. Hayakawa
54947%
54948We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
54949remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
54950the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
54951the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
54952states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
54953These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
54954want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
54955they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
54956who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
54957 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
54958%
54959We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
54960We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
54961that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
54962%
54963We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
54964ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
54965preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
54966and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
54967of America.
54968%
54969We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
54970size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
54971fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
54972are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
54973
54974EUPHEMISM REALITY
54975------------------- -------------------------
54976Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
54977Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
54978Moody Manic-depressive
54979Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
54980Poet Boring manic-depressive
54981Sultry/Sensual Easy
54982Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
54983Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
54984Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
54985Very human Quasimodo's best friend
54986Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
54987Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
54988Flexible Desperate
54989Aging child Self-centered adult
54990Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
54991Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
54992%
54993We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
54994size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
54995fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
54996are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
54997
54998EUPHEMISM REALITY
54999------------------- -------------------------
55000Independent thinker Crazy
55001High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
55002Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
55003Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
55004Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
55005Cuddly Overweight
55006Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
55007Big and beautiful Really Fat
55008Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
55009Svelte/Slender Anorexic
55010Dynamic Pushy
55011Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
55012Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
55013Demanding Will make your life a living hell
55014Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
55015%
55016We totally deny the allegations, and
55017we're trying to identify the allegators.
55018%
55019We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
55020There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
55021borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
55022 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
55023%
55024[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
55025 -- R. W. Hamming
55026%
55027We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
55028depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
55029 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
55030%
55031We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
55032[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
55033behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
55034but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
55035next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
55036a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
55037The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
55038to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
55039 -- Satchel Paige
55040%
55041We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
55042were married for four and a half years.
55043 -- Nick Faldo
55044%
55045We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
55046%
55047We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
55048If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
55049 -- Crazy Jimmy
55050%
55051We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
55052also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
55053French restaurant. [...]
55054 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
55055white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
55056boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
55057bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
55058rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
55059there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
55060 "Stop the car," the girl said.
55061 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
55062woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
55063arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
55064 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
55065belle's for thee."
55066 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
55067Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
55068onto my granola and faced a new day.
55069 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
55070 Competition
55071%
55072We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
55073tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
55074extinction.
55075 -- S. J. Gould
55076%
55077We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
55078one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
55079%
55080we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
55081we will cry over things we used to laugh &
55082our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
55083creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
55084in the end a summer with wild winds &
55085new friends will be.
55086%
55087We wish you a Hare Krishna
55088We wish you a Hare Krishna
55089We wish you a Hare Krishna
55090And a Sun Myung Moon!
55091 -- Maxwell Smart
55092%
55093WEAPON:
55094 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
55095%
55096Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
55097 -- John Heywood
55098%
55099Wedding, n:
55100 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
55101 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
55102 supportable.
55103 -- Ambrose Bierce
55104%
55105Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
55106%
55107Weed's Axiom:
55108 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
55109 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
55110 least interested and say nothing about the other.
55111%
55112Weekend, where are you?
55113%
55114Weiler's Law:
55115 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
55116himself.
55117%
55118Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
55119rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
55120was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
55121question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
55122
55123Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
55124 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
55125%
55126Weinberg's First Law:
55127 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
55128%
55129Weinberg's Principle:
55130 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
55131 on to the grand fallacy.
55132%
55133Weinberg's Second Law:
55134 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
55135 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
55136 -- Gerald Weinberg
55137%
55138Weiner's Law of Libraries:
55139 There are no answers, only cross references.
55140%
55141Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
55142He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
55143 -- Dean McLaughlin.
55144%
55145Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
55146
55147D G G O
55148
55149O Y A N
55150
55151A D B T
55152
55153K I S P
55154Enter words:
55155>
55156%
55157Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
55158The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
55159 -- Garrison Keillor
55160%
55161Welcome to the Zoo!
55162%
55163Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
55164use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
55165demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
55166sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
55167can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
55168the reader! For example, the sentence
55169
55170 Jane went to the store to buy bread
55171
55172should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
55173sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
55174cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
55175Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
55176of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
55177my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
55178Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
55179standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
55180%
55181Welcome to Utah.
55182If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
55183%
55184Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
55185that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
55186all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
55187James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
55188women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
55189*thousands* of words to say it.
55190 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
55191Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
55192Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
55193what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk
55194as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
55195major world power.
55196 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
55197the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
55198out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
55199 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
55200
55201* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
55202 nature and will kill you.
55203* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
55204 -- Dave Barry
55205%
55206We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
55207night. Live, on the Death label.
55208 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
55209%
55210Well begun is half done.
55211 -- Aristotle
55212%
55213"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
55214no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
55215hundred."
55216 -- The Mahabharata
55217%
55218We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
55219%
55220Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
55221%
55222Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
55223 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
55224 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
55225 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
55226 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
55227 per hour, December 7, 1941.
55228%
55229Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
55230Might as well have put it down the drain.
55231Fancy giving money to the Government!
55232Nobody will see the stuff again.
55233Well, they've no idea what money's for --
55234Ten to one they'll start another war.
55235I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
55236Fancy giving money to the Government!
55237 -- A. P. Herbert
55238%
55239We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
55240%
55241Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
55242to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
55243 -- Laurie Anderson
55244%
55245Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
55246lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
55247governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
55248reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
55249contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
55250will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
55251most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
55252appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
55253morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
55254interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
55255guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
55256the entire show without answering a single question ...
55257 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
55258%
55259Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
55260The headline screamed that I was still alive,
55261I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
55262I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
55263In a little cantina that the boys had found,
55264I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
55265When along came a senorita,
55266She looked so good that I had to meet her,
55267I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
55268When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
55269And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
55270Grow some funk of your own.
55271We no like to with the gringo fight,
55272But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
55273...
55274Take my advice, take the next flight,
55275And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
55276 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
55277%
55278Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
55279back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
55280or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
55281couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
55282 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
55283%
55284"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
55285you believe?!"
55286 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
55287%
55288Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
55289 -- James Thurber
55290%
55291Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
55292rights.
55293 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
55294%
55295Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
55296%
55297We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
55298%
55299WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
55300 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
55301 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
55302%
55303Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
55304And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
55305Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
55306Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
55307But the meanest thing that he ever did,
55308Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
55309...
55310But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
55311I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
55312And kill the man that give me that awful name.
55313It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
55314I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
55315Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
55316At an old saloon on a street of mud,
55317Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
55318Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
55319...
55320Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
55321From a wornout picture that my Mother had,
55322And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
55323 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
55324%
55325Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
55326And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
55327I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
55328I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
55329
55330If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
55331Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
55332'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
55333I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
55334
55335On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
55336But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
55337Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
55338I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
55339 -- Core Dumped Blues
55340%
55341Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
55342bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
55343doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
55344 -- Wayne Pascoe
55345%
55346We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
55347%
55348Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
55349And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
55350But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
55351And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
55352%
55353Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
55354%
55355"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
55356
55357"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
55358coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
55359 -- Dr. Who
55360%
55361Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
55362 -- Joe E. Lewis
55363%
55364We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
55365we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
55366 -- Dave Barry
55367%
55368Well, we'll really have a party,
55369but we've gotta post a guard outside.
55370 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
55371%
55372"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
55373poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
55374and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
55375 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
55376%
55377Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
55378And we're loved everywhere we go.
55379We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
55380At ten thousand dollars a show.
55381We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
55382But the thrill we've never known,
55383Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
55384On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
55385
55386I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
55387Who embroiders on my jeans.
55388I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
55389Drivin' my limousine.
55390Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
55391But our minds won't be really be blown;
55392Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
55393On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
55394
55395We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
55396Who'll do anything we say.
55397We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
55398We got all the friends that money can buy,
55399So we never have to be alone.
55400And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
55401On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
55402 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
55403 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
55404%
55405"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
55406higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you."
55407%
55408WELL-ADJUSTED:
55409 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
55410%
55411We
55412own
55413this land.
55414
55415I don't spend
55416any time
55417on this land.
55418
55419This
55420is a tiny
55421little piece
55422
55423of my
55424business
55425interests.
55426
55427It's like
55428a grain
55429of sand.
55430 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
55431 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
55432 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
55433%
55434We're all in this alone.
55435 -- Lily Tomlin
55436%
55437We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
55438people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
55439Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
55440and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
55441it's not going to do anything for you.
55442 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
55443%
55444We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
55445the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
55446you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
55447in his bowl full of jelly.
55448 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
55449%
55450We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
55451things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
55452and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
55453 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
55454%
55455We're happy little Vegemites,
55456 As bright as bright can be.
55457We all enjoy our Vegemite
55458 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
55459%
55460Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
55461formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
55462shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
55463a grin.
55464 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
55465%
55466We're Knights of the Round Table
55467We dance whene'er we're able
55468We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
55469With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
55470We dine well here in Camelot But many times
55471We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
55472 That are quite unsingable
55473In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
55474Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
55475Between our quests
55476We sequin vests
55477And impersonate Clark Gable
55478It's a busy life in Camelot.
55479I have to push the pram a lot.
55480 -- Monty Python
55481%
55482We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
55483 -- D. W. Robertson.
55484%
55485We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
55486but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
55487then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
55488 -- Ensign Flandry
55489%
55490"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
55491weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
55492the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
55493unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
55494responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
55495desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
55496learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
55497short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
55498 -- Don Juan
55499%
55500We're only in it for the volume.
55501 -- Black Sabbath
55502%
55503Were there no women, men might live like gods.
55504 -- Thomas Dekker
55505%
55506Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
55507%
55508Westheimer's Discovery:
55509 A couple of months in the laboratory can
55510 frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
55511%
55512Wethern's Law:
55513 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
55514%
55515We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
55516of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
55517but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
55518 -- Andy Rooney
55519%
55520We've tried each spinning space mote
55521And reckoned its true worth:
55522Take us back again to the homes of men
55523On the cool, green hills of Earth.
55524
55525The arching sky is calling
55526Spacemen back to their trade.
55527All hands! Standby! Free falling!
55528And the lights below us fade.
55529Out ride the sons of Terra,
55530Far drives the thundering jet,
55531Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
55532Out, far, and onward yet--
55533
55534We pray for one last landing
55535On the globe that gave us birth;
55536Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
55537And the cool, green hills of Earth.
55538 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
55539%
55540Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
55541%
55542What!? Me worry?
55543 -- A. E. Neuman
55544%
55545What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
55546by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
55547Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
55548 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
55549%
55550What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
55551understand what a misfortune it is.
55552 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
55553%
55554What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
55555 -- WOP, "War Games"
55556%
55557What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
55558 -- Christopher Fry
55559%
55560What an artist dies with me!
55561 -- Nero
55562%
55563What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
55564back of a cheque.
55565 -- Brendan Francis
55566%
55567"What are we going to do?"
55568
55569"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
55570something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
55571short initiation period."
55572%
55573What awful irony is this?
55574We are as gods, but know it not.
55575%
55576What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
55577%
55578What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
55579%
55580What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
55581Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
55582You and I know that a burden and a cross,
55583Can only be carried on one man's back.
55584 -- Louden Wainwright III
55585%
55586What did you bring that book I didn't want
55587to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
55588%
55589What did you do when the ship sank?
55590I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
55591%
55592What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
55593is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
55594that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
55595the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
55596live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
55597others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
55598%
55599What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
55600 -- Jerry Lester
55601%
55602What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
55603Not enough sand.
55604%
55605What does education often do?
55606It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
55607 -- Henry David Thoreau
55608%
55609What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
55610%
55611What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
55612win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
55613In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
55614that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
55615simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
55616base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
55617a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
55618activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
55619the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
55620and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
55621words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
55622Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
55623conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
55624Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
55625and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
55626 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
55627%
55628What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
55629 -- Nietzsche
55630%
55631What ever happened to happily ever after?
55632%
55633What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
55634 -- Roger von Oech
55635%
55636What foods these morsels be!
55637%
55638What fools these morals be!
55639%
55640What fools these mortals be.
55641 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
55642%
55643What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
55644%
55645What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
55646%
55647"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
55648that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
55649country. Nice try anyway, George."
55650 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
55651%
55652What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
55653where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
55654%
55655What good is a ticket to the good life,
55656if you can't find the entrance?
55657%
55658What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
55659 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
55660%
55661What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
55662in his footsteps?
55663%
55664What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
55665 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
55666%
55667What happened last night can happen again.
55668%
55669What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
55670involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
55671be pretty bad.
55672 -- Dave Barry
55673%
55674What happens to a dream deferred?
55675Does it dry up
55676Like a raisin in the sun?
55677Or fester like a sore --
55678And then run?
55679Does it stink like rotten meat?
55680Or crust and sugar over --
55681Like a syrupy sweet?
55682
55683Maybe it just sags
55684Like a heavy load.
55685
55686Or does it explode?
55687 -- Langston Hughes
55688%
55689What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
55690%
55691What has roots as nobody sees,
55692Is taller than trees,
55693Up, up it goes,
55694And yet never grows?
55695%
55696What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
55697stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
55698barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
55699from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
55700while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
55701dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
55702powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
55703bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
55704one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
55705lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
55706you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
55707if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
55708that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
55709they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
55710flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
55711 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
55712%
55713What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
55714broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
55715is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
55716 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
55717%
55718What I tell you three times is true.
55719 -- Lewis Carroll
55720%
55721"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
55722sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
55723with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
55724came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
55725parties.
55726 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
55727%
55728What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
55729%
55730What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
55731In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
55732 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
55733%
55734What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
55735Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
55736 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
55737%
55738What if there had been room at the inn?
55739 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
55740%
55741What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
55742 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
55743%
55744What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
55745other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
55746improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
55747boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
55748
55749 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
55750 2. We may not change our programming tools.
55751 3. We may not change our hardware.
55752 4. We may not change our tasks.
55753 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
55754 in which the work has to be done.
55755
55756Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
55757improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
55758
55759Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
55760%
55761What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
55762 -- J. M. Barrie
55763%
55764What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
55765them puke.
55766 -- Steve Martin
55767%
55768What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
55769 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
55770%
55771What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
55772will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
55773weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
55774but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
55775our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
55776What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
55777all the weak: Christianity.
55778 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55779%
55780What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
55781enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
55782out of him.
55783 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
55784%
55785What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
55786an accomplice.
55787 -- Charles Baudelaire
55788%
55789What is love but a second-hand emotion?
55790 -- Tina Turner
55791%
55792What is mind? No matter.
55793What is matter? Never mind.
55794 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
55795%
55796What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
55797 -- William Blake
55798%
55799What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
55800 -- Will Harvey
55801%
55802What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
55803 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
55804%
55805What is status?
55806 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
55807
55808Uh, no...
55809 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
55810 problem with him.
55811
55812Uh, that still ain't right...
55813 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
55814 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
55815 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
55816%
55817What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
55818It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
55819establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
55820%
55821"What is the Nature of God?"
55822
55823 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
55824 1 QT. SOUR CREAM
55825 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
55826 1/2 CUT CHIVES.
55827 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
55828
55829"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
55830 -- Bloom County
55831%
55832What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?
55833 -- Bertold Brecht
55834%
55835What is the sound of one hand clapping?
55836%
55837What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
55838if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
55839 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
55840 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
55841%
55842What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
55843of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
55844is the first law of nature.
55845 -- Voltaire
55846%
55847What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
55848to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
55849may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
55850simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
55851big thumping lie that will then be believed.
55852 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
55853 British civilian morale, 1939
55854%
55855"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
55856which is the exact opposite."
55857 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
55858%
55859What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
55860%
55861"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
55862 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
55863%
55864What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
55865goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
55866 -- Jack Kerouac
55867%
55868What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
55869 -- Adolf Hitler
55870%
55871What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
55872is that there's nothing to compare it with.
55873%
55874What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
55875is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
55876%
55877What makes you think graduate school
55878is supposed to be satisfying?
55879 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
55880%
55881What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
55882%
55883What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
55884is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
55885%
55886What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
55887A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
55888 -- Wilde
55889%
55890What on earth would a man do with himself
55891if something did not stand in his way?
55892 -- H. G. Wells
55893%
55894What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
55895 -- John Lilly
55896%
55897What one fool can do, another can.
55898 -- Ancient Simian Proverb
55899%
55900What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
55901%
55902What pains others pleasures me,
55903At home am I in Lisp or C;
55904There i couch in ecstasy,
55905'Til debugger's poke i flee,
55906Into kernel memory.
55907In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
55908Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
55909%
55910What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
55911 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
55912%
55913What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
55914more than man's transparency.
55915 -- George Nathan
55916%
55917What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
55918It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
55919and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
55920and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
55921women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
55922mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
55923and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
55924 -- Susan Gordon
55925%
55926What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
55927of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
55928were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
55929impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
55930enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
55931till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
55932look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
55933the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
55934discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
55935their grasp before they were five years old.
55936 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
55937%
55938What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
55939 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
55940%
55941What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
55942 -- J. D. Farley
55943%
55944What segment's this, that, laid to rest
55945On FHA0, is sleeping?
55946What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
55947While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
55948 Dump, dump it and type it out,
55949 The file, the highseg of login.
55950Why lies it here, on public disk
55951And why is it now unprotected?
55952A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
55953And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
55954 Dump, dump it and type it out,
55955 The file, the highseg of login.
55956 -- to Greensleeves
55957%
55958What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
55959%
55960What soon grows old? Gratitude.
55961 -- Aristotle
55962%
55963What, still alive at twenty-two,
55964A clean upstanding chap like you?
55965Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
55966Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
55967Like enough, you won't be glad,
55968When they come to hang you, lad:
55969But bacon's not the only thing
55970That's cured by hanging from a string.
55971So, when the spilt ink of the night
55972Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
55973Lads whose job is still to do
55974Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
55975 -- Hugh Kingsmill
55976%
55977What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
55978around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
55979 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
55980%
55981What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
55982%
55983What the hell is it good for?
55984 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
55985 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
55986 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
55987%
55988What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
55989%
55990What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
55991 -- Nikita Khruschev
55992%
55993What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
55994%
55995What they said:
55996 What they meant:
55997
55998"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
55999 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
56000"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
56001 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
56002"I simply can't say enough good things about him."
56003 (What a screw-up.)
56004"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
56005 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
56006"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
56007a long way with his skills."
56008 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
56009"You won't find many people like her."
56010 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
56011"I cannot reccommend him too highly."
56012 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
56013 felony in my presence.)
56014%
56015What they said:
56016 What they meant:
56017
56018"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
56019of him as I do."
56020 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
56021"Her input was always critical."
56022 (She never had a good word to say.)
56023"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
56024 (And it's nonexistent.)
56025"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
56026already has so many outstanding members."
56027 (Unless you already have a moron.)
56028"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
56029one unbelievable result after another."
56030 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
56031"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
56032 (In fact, to life in general...)
56033%
56034What they said:
56035 What they meant:
56036
56037"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
56038 (We certainly never succeeded.)
56039There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
56040 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
56041"Success will never spoil him."
56042 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
56043"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
56044 (And such a sigh of relief.)
56045"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
56046in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
56047 (And his IQ, as well.)
56048"He should go far."
56049 (The farther the better.)
56050"He will take full advantage of his staff."
56051 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
56052%
56053What they say: What they mean:
56054
56055A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
56056Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
56057Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
56058 to unforseen difficulties
56059Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
56060Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
56061 assured grateful for anything at all.
56062Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
56063Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
56064The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
56065 to say something.
56066The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
56067We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
56068 approach kicking it around.
56069A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
56070 we're moving.
56071Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
56072 inconclusive
56073Modifications are underway We're starting over.
56074%
56075What they say: What they mean:
56076
56077New Different colors from previous version.
56078All New Not compatible with previous version.
56079Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
56080Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
56081Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
56082Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
56083Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
56084Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
56085Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
56086Years of Development Finally got one to work.
56087Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
56088Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
56089Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
56090No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
56091Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
56092Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
56093Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
56094Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
56095%
56096What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
56097%
56098What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
56099%
56100What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
56101%
56102What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
56103%
56104What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
56105%
56106What time is it?
56107I don't know, it keeps changing.
56108%
56109What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
56110but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
56111 -- Nietzsche
56112%
56113What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
56114 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
56115%
56116What we Are is God's give to us.
56117What we Become is our gift to God.
56118%
56119What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
56120 -- Wittgenstein
56121%
56122What we do not understand we do not possess.
56123 -- Goethe
56124%
56125What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
56126nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
56127Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
56128launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
56129remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
56130process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
56131be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
56132 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
56133%
56134What we need is either less corruption,
56135or more chance to participate in it.
56136%
56137What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
56138 -- John Lubbock
56139%
56140What we wish, that we readily believe.
56141 -- Demosthenes
56142%
56143What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
561442038 does not bear thinking about.
56145 -- Henry Spencer
56146%
56147What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
56148%
56149What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
56150%
56151What you don't know won't help you much either.
56152 -- D. Bennett
56153%
56154What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
56155your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
56156your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
56157powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
56158with as you will.
56159 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
56160%
56161What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
56162something to occur to you.
56163 -- Robert Frost
56164
56165 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56166 referring to AST's.]
56167%
56168Whatever became of eternal truth?
56169%
56170Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
56171cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
56172nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
56173shredding hundred dollar bills."
56174 -- Herb Caen
56175%
56176Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
56177never succeed.
56178 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
56179%
56180Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
56181performance.
56182 -- Helen Lawrenson
56183%
56184Whatever happened to the good old days
56185when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
56186%
56187Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
56188nailed down.
56189 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
56190%
56191Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
56192Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
56193 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
56194%
56195Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
56196 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
56197%
56198Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
56199 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56200%
56201"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
56202cockroaches!"
56203 -- Mom
56204%
56205Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
56206as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
56207 -- Charlotte Whitton
56208%
56209Whatever you do will be insignificant,
56210but it is very important that you do it.
56211 -- Gandhi
56212%
56213Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
56214other people.
56215 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
56216%
56217Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
56218%
56219What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
56220 -- Robert Altman
56221%
56222What's all this bru-ha-ha?
56223%
56224What's another word for "thesaurus"?
56225 -- Steven Wright
56226%
56227What's done to children, they will do to society.
56228%
56229What's page one, a preemptive strike?
56230 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
56231%
56232What's so funny?
56233%
56234What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
56235with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
56236 -- The Best of Will Rogers
56237%
56238What's the ugliest part of your body?
56239What's the ugliest part of your body?
56240Some say your nose,
56241Some say your toes,
56242But I think it's your mind.
56243 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
56244%
56245"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
56246 -- Dr. Who
56247%
56248What's this stuff about people being "released on their
56249own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
56250%
56251When a Banker jumps out of a window,
56252jump after him -- that's where the money is.
56253 -- Robespierre
56254%
56255When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
56256%
56257When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
56258%
56259When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
56260the principle of the thing," it's the money.
56261 -- Kim Hubbard
56262%
56263When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
56264loop?
56265%
56266When a girl can read the handwriting on
56267the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
56268%
56269When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
56270inattentions of one.
56271 -- Helen Rowland
56272%
56273When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
56274the first lion thinks the last a bore.
56275 -- George Bernard Shaw
56276%
56277When a lot of remedies are suggested for
56278a disease, that means it can't be cured.
56279 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
56280%
56281When a man assumes a public trust, he
56282should consider himself as public property.
56283 -- Thomas Jefferson
56284%
56285When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
56286 -- Samuel Johnson
56287%
56288When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
56289it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
56290 -- Samuel Johnson
56291%
56292When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
56293But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
56294hour. That's relativity.
56295 -- Albert Einstein
56296%
56297When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
56298keep her.
56299 -- Sacha Guitry
56300%
56301When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
56302ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
56303with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
56304liar who has broken his promises.
56305 -- Franklin Adams
56306%
56307When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
56308%
56309When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
56310far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
56311is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
56312 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
56313%
56314When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
56315the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
56316relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
56317 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
56318%
56319When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
56320first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
56321 -- Donnay
56322%
56323When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
56324When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
56325 -- Wilde
56326%
56327When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
56328yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
56329
56330Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
56331out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
56332by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
56333to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
56334that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
56335looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
56336poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
56337him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
56338death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
56339story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
56340the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of
56341paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
56342 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
56343%
56344When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
56345interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
56346honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
56347 -- The Grab Bag
56348%
56349When all else fails, EAT!!!
56350%
56351When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
56352the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
56353knob.
56354 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
56355%
56356When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
56357%
56358When all other means of communication fail, try words.
56359%
56360When among apes, one must play the ape.
56361%
56362When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
56363 -- Mark Twain
56364%
56365"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
56366tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
56367 -- Reuben Flagg
56368%
56369When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
56370 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate.
56371%
56372When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
56373the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
56374 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
56375%
56376When asked the definition of "pi":
56377The Mathematician:
56378 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
56379 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
56380The Physicist:
56381 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
56382The Engineer:
56383 Pi is about 3.
56384%
56385When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
56386%
56387When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
56388 -- Brian Aldiss
56389%
56390When choosing between two evils, I always
56391like to take the one I've never tried before.
56392 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
56393%
56394When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
56395easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
56396handle this?"
56397%
56398When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
56399%
56400When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
56401was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
56402never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
56403declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
56404that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
56405consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
56406 -- Josef Goebbels
56407%
56408When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
56409%
56410When does later become never?
56411%
56412When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
56413Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
56414%
56415When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
56416 -- Gen. C. Abrams
56417%
56418When forecasting, give them a number
56419or give them a date, but never both.
56420%
56421When God endowed human beings with brains,
56422He did not intend to guarantee them.
56423%
56424When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
56425why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
56426 -- DeGourmont
56427%
56428When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
56429inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
56430blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
56431screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
56432stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
56433himself to destruction.
56434 -- George Plimpton
56435%
56436When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
56437to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
56438 -- Brendan Behan
56439%
56440When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
56441He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
56442 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
56443%
56444when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
56445in my sleep.
56446like my grandfather.
56447
56448not screaming,
56449like the passengers in his car...
56450%
56451When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
56452loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
56453barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
56454drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
56455 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
56456onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
56457the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
56458%
56459When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
56460and a willingness to compromise.
56461 -- Weber cartoon caption
56462%
56463When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
56464then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
56465 -- Steven Wright
56466%
56467When I grow up, I want to be an honest
56468lawyer so things like that can't happen.
56469 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
56470%
56471When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
56472shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
56473what you like now."
56474 -- Tolstoy
56475%
56476When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
56477for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
56478 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
56479%
56480When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
56481year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
56482winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
56483 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
56484%
56485When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
56486%
56487When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
56488myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
56489%
56490When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
56491to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
56492 -- Franklyn Ajaye
56493%
56494When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
56495I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
56496to be seen again.
56497 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
56498%
56499When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
56500it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
56501 -- Al Capone
56502%
56503When I think about myself,
56504I almost laugh myself to death,
56505My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
56506A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
56507A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
56508I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
56509When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
56510 I laugh until my stomach ache,
56511 When I think about myself.
56512My folks can make me split my side,
56513I laughed so hard I nearly died,
56514The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
56515They grow the fruit,
56516But eat the rind,
56517I laugh until I start to crying,
56518When I think about my folks.
56519 -- Maya Angelou
56520%
56521When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
56522By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
56523%
56524When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
56525Now I'm beginning to believe it.
56526 -- Clarence Darrow
56527%
56528When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
56529I was an only child... eventually.
56530 -- Stephen Wright
56531%
56532When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
56533take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
56534and get you."
56535 -- Jerry Lewis
56536%
56537When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
56538all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
56539It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
56540 -- Jack Handey
56541%
56542When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
56543woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
56544 -- Robert Schuman
56545%
56546When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
56547I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
56548 -- Steven Wright
56549%
56550When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
56551
56552I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
56553picture that came with the wallet he bought.
56554 -- Rodney Dangerfield
56555%
56556When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
56557say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
56558%
56559When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
56560I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
56561 -- Woody Allen
56562%
56563When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
56564 -- Rodney Dangerfield
56565%
56566When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
56567of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
56568seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
56569always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
56570would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
56571organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
56572The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
56573to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
56574together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
56575 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
56576%
56577When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
56578had to take drugs and go to concerts.
56579 -- Steven Pearl
56580%
56581When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
56582or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
56583remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
56584pieces like this but we all have to do it.
56585 -- Mark Twain
56586%
56587When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
56588slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
56589 -- Steven Wright
56590%
56591When I works, I works hard.
56592When I sits, I sits easy.
56593And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
56594%
56595When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
56596the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
56597the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
56598comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
56599he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
56600questions like a senator.
56601 -- Muhammad Ali
56602%
56603When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
56604 -- Mae West
56605%
56606When in charge ponder,
56607When in doubt mumble,
56608When in trouble delegate.
56609%
56610When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
56611to apologize than to get permission.
56612 -- Grace Murray Hopper
56613%
56614When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
56615%
56616When in doubt, follow your heart.
56617%
56618When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
56619 -- Raymond Chandler
56620%
56621When in doubt, lead trump.
56622%
56623When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
56624 -- James H. Boren
56625%
56626When in doubt, tell the truth.
56627 -- Mark Twain
56628%
56629When in doubt, use brute force.
56630 -- Ken Thompson
56631%
56632When in panic, fear and doubt,
56633Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
56634%
56635When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
56636 -- St. Ambrose
56637%
56638When in this world the headlines read
56639Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
56640Who rob and steal from those who need
56641The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
56642Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
56643Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
56644Fighting all who rob or plunder
56645Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
56646Underdog
56647UNDERDOG!
56648%
56649When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
56650%
56651When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
56652half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
56653%
56654When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
56655%
56656When it is not necessary to make a decision,
56657it is necessary not to make a decision.
56658%
56659When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
56660 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
56661%
56662When license fees are too high,
56663users do things by hand.
56664When the management is too intrusive,
56665users lose their spirit.
56666
56667Hack for the user's benefit.
56668Trust them; leave them alone.
56669%
56670When love is gone, there's always justice.
56671And when justice is gone, there's always force.
56672And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
56673Hi, Mom!
56674 -- Laurie Anderson
56675%
56676When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
56677will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
56678%
56679When Marriage is Outlawed,
56680Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
56681%
56682When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
56683 -- Calvin Coolidge
56684%
56685When my brain begins to reel from my
56686literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
56687 -- Ignatius Reilly
56688%
56689When my fist clenches crack it open,
56690Before I use it and lose my cool.
56691When I smile tell me some bad news,
56692Before I laugh and act like a fool.
56693
56694And if I swallow anything evil,
56695Put you finger down my throat.
56696And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
56697Keep me warm let me wear your coat
56698
56699No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
56700 to be the sad man.
56701Behind blue eyes.
56702No one knows what its like to be hated,
56703 to be fated,
56704To telling only lies.
56705 -- The Who
56706%
56707When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
56708at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
56709think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
56710wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
56711become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
56712Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
56713was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
56714women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
56715a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
56716most unlikely of situations.
56717 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
56718%
56719When neither their poverty nor their honor is
56720touched, the majority of men live content.
56721 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
56722%
56723When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
56724%
56725When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
56726 -- Dylan Thomas
56727%
56728When one knows women one pities men,
56729but when one studies men, one excuses women.
56730 -- Horne Tooke
56731%
56732When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
56733 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56734%
56735When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
56736she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
56737it less and less."
56738 -- Louise Andrews Kent
56739%
56740When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
56741The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
56742And Oxygen still had none
56743Then Oxygen scored a single goal
56744And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
56745Called because of rain.
56746%
56747When people have trouble communicating,
56748the least they can do is to shut up.
56749 -- Tom Lehrer
56750%
56751When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
56752%
56753When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
56754%
56755When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
56756newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
56757was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
56758
56759 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
56760 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
56761 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
56762 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
56763 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
56764 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
56765 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
56766 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
56767%
56768When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
56769every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
56770is away and you get twice as much done.
56771 -- Daniel B. Luten
56772%
56773When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
56774 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
56775%
56776When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
56777big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
56778%
56779When some people discover the truth, they just
56780can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
56781%
56782When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
56783Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
56784Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
56785U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
56786They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
56787But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
56788
56789For might makes right, Members of the corps
56790And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
56791They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
56792 peaceful means.
56793All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
56794Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
56795 We only want the world to know
56796 That we support the status quo;
56797 They love us everywhere we go,
56798 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
56799 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
56800%
56801When someone says "I want a programming language in
56802which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
56803%
56804When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
56805 -- S. Johnson
56806%
56807When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
56808%
56809When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
56810of asterisked sentences:
56811
56812 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
56813 And costs less than $1,300.**
56814
56815In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
56816
56817 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
56818 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
56819 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
56820 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
56821 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
56822
56823 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
56824 you really want to. Or less.
56825 -- Forbes
56826%
56827When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
56828 -- Turkish proverb
56829%
56830When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
56831 -- Chinese proverb
56832%
56833When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
56834about themselves.
56835%
56836When the candles are out all women are fair.
56837 -- Plutarch
56838%
56839When the cup is full, carry it level.
56840%
56841When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
56842 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
56843%
56844When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
56845 -- Billy Sunday
56846%
56847When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
56848muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
56849%
56850When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
56851 -- Lynch
56852%
56853"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
56854 -- Jon Carroll
56855%
56856When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
56857%
56858When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
56859%
56860When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
56861 -- Hunter S. Thompson
56862%
56863When the government bureau's remedies do not match
56864your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
56865%
56866When the Guru administers, the users
56867are hardly aware that he exists.
56868Next best is a sysop who is loved.
56869Next, one who is feared.
56870And worst, one who is despised.
56871
56872If you don't trust the users,
56873you make them untrustworthy.
56874
56875The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
56876When his work is done,
56877the users say, "Amazing:
56878we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
56879%
56880When the leaders speak of peace
56881The common folk know
56882That war is coming
56883When the leaders curse war
56884The mobilization order is already written out.
56885
56886Every day, to earn my daily bread
56887I go to the market where lies are bought
56888Hopefully
56889I take my place among the sellers.
56890 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
56891%
56892When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
56893the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
56894nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
56895 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
56896%
56897When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
56898like a nail.
56899%
56900When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
56901 -- Richard Nixon
56902%
56903When the revolution comes, count your change.
56904%
56905When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
56906if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
56907he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
56908right."
56909 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
56910the wrong joke."
56911%
56912When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
56913metaphysics.
56914 -- Voltaire
56915%
56916When the sun shineth, make hay.
56917 -- John Heywood
56918%
56919When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
56920stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
56921from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
56922were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
56923corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
56924 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
56925%
56926When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
56927he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
56928seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
56929"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
56930stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
56931several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
56932 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
56933what's your name?"
56934 "Samuel," he mumbled.
56935 "And where're you from, Sam?"
56936 "The balcony."
56937%
56938When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
56939plane will fly.
56940 -- Donald Douglas
56941%
56942When the wind is great, bow before it;
56943when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
56944%
56945When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
56946is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
56947 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
56948%
56949When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
56950 -- Balzac
56951%
56952When things go well, expect something to
56953explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
56954%
56955When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
56956insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
56957required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
56958exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
56959 -- George Bernard Shaw
56960%
56961When users see one GUI as beautiful,
56962other user interfaces become ugly.
56963When users see some programs as winners,
56964other programs become lossage.
56965
56966Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
56967High level and assembler depend on each other.
56968Double and float cast to each other.
56969High-endian and low-endian define each other.
56970While and until follow each other.
56971
56972Therefore the Guru
56973programs without doing anything
56974and teaches without saying anything.
56975Warnings arise and he lets them come;
56976processes are swapped and he lets them go.
56977He has but doesn't possess,
56978acts but doesn't expect.
56979When his work is done, he deletes it.
56980That is why it lasts forever.
56981%
56982When we are planning for posterity,
56983we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
56984 -- Thomas Paine
56985%
56986When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
56987anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
56988two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
56989history of war have so few been led by so many.
56990 -- General James Gavin
56991%
56992When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
56993%
56994When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
56995except our fingertips will have been singed.
56996 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
56997%
56998When we write programs that "learn",
56999it turns out we do and they don't.
57000%
57001When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
57002 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
57003%
57004When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
57005when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
57006even our virtues.
57007 -- Balzac
57008%
57009When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
57010 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
57011%
57012When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
57013of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
57014proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
57015goal.
57016 -- Amrom Katz
57017%
57018When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
57019when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
57020 -- St. Ambrose
57021%
57022When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
57023%
57024When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
57025%
57026When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
57027something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
57028your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
57029the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
57030vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
57031eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
57032narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
57033will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
57034But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
57035from, to torture and unsettle us?
57036 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
57037%
57038When you become used to never being alone,
57039you may consider yourself Americanized.
57040%
57041When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
57042%
57043When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
57044 -- Brooke Shields
57045%
57046When you dig another out of trouble,
57047you've got a place to bury your own.
57048%
57049When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
57050%
57051When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
57052%
57053When you find yourself in danger,
57054When you're threatened by a stranger,
57055When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
57056
57057There is one thing you should learn,
57058When there is no one else to turn to,
57059 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
57060 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
57061%
57062When you get what you want in your struggle for self
57063And the world makes you king for a day,
57064Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
57065And see what that man has to say.
57066 For it isn't your father or mother or wife
57067 Whose judgement upon you must pass;
57068 The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
57069 Is the one staring back from the glass.
57070Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
57071And call you a wonderful guy,
57072But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
57073If you can't look him straight in the eye.
57074 He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
57075 For he's with you clear up to the end,
57076 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
57077 If the man in the glass is your friend.
57078You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
57079And get pats on the back as you pass,
57080But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
57081If you've cheated the man in the glass.
57082%
57083When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
57084people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
57085 -- Norm Crosby
57086%
57087When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
57088%
57089When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
57090 -- Harry S. Truman
57091%
57092When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
57093remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
57094 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
57095%
57096When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
57097clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
57098answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
57099acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
57100 -- R. A. Lafferty
57101%
57102When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
57103 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
57104%
57105When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
57106moves the ground from beneath your feet.
57107 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
57108%
57109When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
57110asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
57111know the answer either.
57112 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
57113%
57114When you live in a sick society,
57115just about everything you do is wrong.
57116%
57117When you make your mark in the world,
57118watch out for guys with erasers.
57119 -- The Wall Street Journal
57120%
57121When you meet a master swordsman,
57122show him your sword.
57123When you meet a man who is not a poet,
57124do not show him your poem.
57125 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
57126%
57127When you overesteem great hackers,
57128more users become cretins.
57129When you develop encryption,
57130more users become crackers.
57131
57132The Guru leads
57133by emptying user's minds
57134and increasing their quotas,
57135by weakening their ambition
57136and toughening their resolve.
57137When users lack knowledge and desire,
57138management will not try to interfere.
57139
57140Practice not-looping,
57141and everything will fall into place.
57142%
57143When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
57144you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
57145 -- Otto von Bismarck
57146%
57147When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
57148when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
57149%
57150When you try to make an impression, the
57151chances are that is the impression you will make.
57152%
57153When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
57154%
57155When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
57156When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
57157%
57158When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
57159They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
57160 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
57161%
57162When your memory goes, forget it!
57163%
57164When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
57165 -- Henry J. Kaiser
57166%
57167When you're a Yup
57168You're a Yup all the way
57169From your first slice of Brie
57170To your last Cabernet.
57171
57172When you're a Yup
57173You're not just a dreamer
57174You're making things happen
57175You're driving a Beamer.
57176%
57177When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
57178Wretched, bored, dejected, only
57179Here's the rub, my darling dear,
57180I feel the same when you are hear.
57181 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
57182%
57183When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
57184 -- David Pryce-Jones
57185%
57186When you're dining out and you suspect
57187something's wrong, you're probably right.
57188%
57189When you're down and out, lift up your
57190voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
57191%
57192When you're in command, command.
57193 -- Admiral Nimitz
57194%
57195When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
57196you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
57197of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
57198 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
57199%
57200When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
57201%
57202When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
57203%
57204WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
57205your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
57206 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
57207%
57208WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
57209laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
57210to become a parrot or something.
57211 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
57212%
57213Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
57214 -- Dave Parnas
57215%
57216Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
57217to spend their weekends with?
57218 -- Rita Rudner
57219%
57220Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
57221%
57222Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
57223a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
57224 -- Abraham Lincoln
57225%
57226Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
57227is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
57228Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
57229 -- Jack Handey
57230%
57231Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
57232 -- Oscar Wilde
57233%
57234Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
57235 We people on the pavement looked at him:
57236He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
57237 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
57238And he was always quietly arrayed,
57239 And he was always human when he talked;
57240But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
57241 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
57242And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
57243 And admirably schooled in every grace:
57244In fine, we thought that he was everything
57245 To make us wish that we were in his place.
57246So on we worked, and waited for the light,
57247 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
57248And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
57249 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
57250 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
57251%
57252Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
57253you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
57254%
57255Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
57256you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
57257Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
57258 -- Mark Twain
57259 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
57260%
57261Whenever you find that you are on the
57262side of the majority, it is time to reform.
57263 -- Mark Twain
57264%
57265Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and
57266weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes
57267and perhaps weight 1 1/2 tons.
57268 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
57269%
57270Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
57271%
57272Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
57273%
57274WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
57275 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
57276 When it's converted to energy?
57277 There is a slight loss of parity.
57278 Johnny's so long at the fair.
57279%
57280Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
57281 -- Karl Kraus
57282%
57283Where do you go to get anorexia?
57284 -- Shelley Winters
57285%
57286Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
57287is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
57288 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
57289%
57290Where is John Carson now that we need him?
57291 -- RLG
57292%
57293Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
57294examine the laws of heat.
57295 -- Christopher Morley
57296%
57297Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
57298Why did you leave me here all alone?
57299I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
57300You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
57301
57302Gloom, despair and agony on me.
57303Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
57304If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
57305Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
57306 -- Hee Haw
57307%
57308Where the hell is Wall Drug?
57309%
57310Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
57311%
57312Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
57313in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
57314%
57315Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
57316 -- Goethe
57317%
57318Where there's a whip there's a way.
57319%
57320Where there's a will, there's a relative.
57321%
57322Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
57323%
57324Where will it all end?
57325Probably somewhere near where it all began.
57326%
57327Where you stand depends on where you sit.
57328 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
57329%
57330Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
57331 -- Wittgenstein
57332%
57333Where's the man could ease a heart
57334Like a satin gown?
57335 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
57336%
57337...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
57338spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
57339 -- Richard Shelton
57340%
57341Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
57342Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
57343Go on, do not rest.
57344 -- An old Gujarati hymn
57345%
57346Whether you can hear it or not
57347The Universe is laughing behind your back
57348 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
57349%
57350Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
57351%
57352Which would you rather have, a bursting
57353planet or an earthquake here and there?
57354 -- John Joseph Lynch
57355%
57356While anyone can admit to themselves they were
57357wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
57358%
57359While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
57360The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
57361While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
57362And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
57363Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
57364The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
57365 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
57366 November 26, 1792
57367%
57368While having never invented a sin,
57369I'm trying to perfect several.
57370%
57371While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
57372Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
57373began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
57374lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
57375define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
57376a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
57377 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
57378%
57379While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
57380As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
57381 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
57382
57383 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
57384 referring to hardware interrupts.]
57385
57386And now I see with eye serene
57387The very pulse of the machine.
57388 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
57389
57390 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
57391 referring to software interrupts.]
57392%
57393While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
57394keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
57395 -- Edward Stevenson
57396%
57397While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
57398lets you choose your own form of misery.
57399%
57400While most peoples' opinions change,
57401the conviction of their correctness never does.
57402%
57403While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
57404held a gun to his head.
57405 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
57406 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
57407as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
57408 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
57409 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
57410his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
57411%
57412While there's life, there's hope.
57413 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
57414%
57415While walking down a crowded
57416City street the other day,
57417I heard a little urchin
57418To a comrade turn and say,
57419"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
57420I'd be happy as a clam
57421If only I was de feller dat
57422Me mudder t'inks I am.
57423
57424"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
57425An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
57426Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
57427Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
57428Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
57429How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
57430If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
57431Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
57432 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
57433%
57434While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
57435 -- Dean Rusk
57436%
57437While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
57438still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
57439%
57440While you recently had your problems on the run,
57441they've regrouped and are making another attack.
57442%
57443While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
57444safe, for you can watch both of his.
57445 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57446%
57447Whip it, whip it good!
57448%
57449Whistler's Law:
57450 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
57451%
57452Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
57453%
57454White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
57455%
57456White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
57457so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
57458time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
57459%
57460Whitehead's Law:
57461 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
57462%
57463White's Statement:
57464 Don't lose heart!
57465
57466Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
57467 ...they might want to cut it out...
57468
57469Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
57470 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
57471%
57472Who are you?
57473%
57474Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
57475 -- Nathan Pusey
57476%
57477Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
57478our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
57479%
57480Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
57481 -- Hattie McDaniel
57482%
57483Who does not love wine, women, and song,
57484Remains a fool his whole life long.
57485 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
57486%
57487Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
57488 -- Lao Tsu
57489%
57490Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
57491 -- Thomas Tusser
57492%
57493Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
57494%
57495Who is John Galt?
57496%
57497Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
57498%
57499Who loves me will also love my dog.
57500 -- John Donne
57501%
57502Who loves not wisely but too well
57503Will look on Helen's face in hell,
57504But he whose love is thin and wise
57505Will view John Knox in Paradise.
57506 -- Dorothy Parker
57507%
57508Who made the world I cannot tell;
57509'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
57510My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
57511I never soiled with such a deed.
57512 -- A. E. Housman
57513%
57514Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
57515%
57516Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
57517%
57518Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
57519No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
57520%
57521Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
57522 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
57523%
57524Who to himself is law no law doth need,
57525offends no law, and is a king indeed.
57526 -- George Chapman
57527%
57528Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
57529%
57530Who was that masked man?
57531%
57532Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
57533%
57534"WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!
57535It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!"
57536 -- Zippy the Pinhead
57537%
57538Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
57539%
57540Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
57541become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
57542into you.
57543 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
57544%
57545Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
57546 -- Groucho Marx
57547%
57548Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
57549pure in heart can make a good soup.
57550 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven
57551%
57552Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
57553%
57554"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
57555 -- George Ade
57556%
57557Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
57558%
57559Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
57560%
57561Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
57562 -- Bernard Levin
57563%
57564Who's on first?
57565%
57566Who's scruffy-looking?
57567 -- Han Solo
57568%
57569Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
57570Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
57571%
57572Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
57573 -- Paul Simon
57574%
57575Why are programmers non-productive?
57576Because their time is wasted in meetings.
57577
57578Why are programmers rebellious?
57579Because the management interferes too much.
57580
57581Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
57582Because they are burnt out.
57583
57584Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
57585 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
57586%
57587"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
57588have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
57589 -- Ian Shoales
57590%
57591Why are you so hard to ignore?
57592%
57593Why are you watching
57594The washing machine?
57595I love entertainment
57596So long as it's clean.
57597
57598Professor Doberman:
57599 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
57600pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
57601improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
57602experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
57603must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
57604fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
57605receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
57606been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
57607meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
57608suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
57609implications.
57610%
57611Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
57612 -- Erik Satie
57613%
57614Why be a man when you can be a success?
57615 -- Bertolt Brecht
57616%
57617Why be difficult, when, with just a
57618little more effort, you can be impossible?
57619%
57620Why bother building anymore nuclear
57621warheads until we use the ones we have?
57622%
57623Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
57624%
57625Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
57626movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
57627%
57628Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
57629automation?
57630%
57631Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
57632meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
57633doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
57634corner."
57635%
57636Why do seagulls live near the sea?
57637'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
57638%
57639Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
57640It's quite uncanny.
57641%
57642Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
57643%
57644Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
57645%
57646Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
57647%
57648Why do we want intelligent terminals
57649when there are so many stupid users?
57650%
57651Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
57652 -- Carl Sandburg
57653%
57654Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
57655%
57656Why does man kill? He kills for food.
57657And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
57658 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
57659%
57660Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
57661more lawyers?
57662
57663New Jersey had first choice.
57664%
57665Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
57666 -- Jimmy Durante
57667%
57668Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
57669
57670Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
57671%
57672Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
57673We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
57674we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
57675pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
57676pay the fiddler.
57677 -- The Best of Will Rogers
57678%
57679Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
57680 -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
57681%
57682Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
57683kissed her cow.
57684 -- Rabelais
57685%
57686Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57687
57688I'd LOVE to, but...
57689 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
57690 -- None of my socks match.
57691 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
57692 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
57693 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
57694 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
57695 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
57696 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
57697 named Basil Metabolism.
57698 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
57699 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
57700 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
57701 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
57702 -- I feel a song coming on.
57703%
57704Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57705
57706I'd LOVE to, but...
57707 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
57708 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
57709 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
57710 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
57711 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
57712 -- My subconscious says no.
57713 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
57714 can't seem to put it down.
57715 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
57716 -- I have to study for my blood test.
57717 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
57718 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
57719 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
57720%
57721Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57722
57723I'd LOVE to, but...
57724 -- I have to floss my cat.
57725 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
57726 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
57727 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
57728 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
57729 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
57730 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
57731 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
57732 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
57733 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
57734%
57735Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57736
57737I'd LOVE to, but...
57738 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
57739 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
57740 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
57741 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
57742 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
57743 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
57744 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
57745 -- I have to bleach my hare.
57746 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
57747 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
57748%
57749Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57750
57751I'd LOVE to, but...
57752 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
57753 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
57754 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
57755 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
57756 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
57757 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
57758 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
57759 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
57760 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
57761 -- My crayons all melted together.
57762%
57763Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57764
57765I'd LOVE to, but ...
57766 -- I have to floss my cat.
57767 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
57768 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
57769 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
57770 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
57771 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
57772 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
57773 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
57774 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
57775 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
57776 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
57777 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
57778%
57779Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
57780%
57781Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
57782%
57783Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
57784It is because we are not the person involved.
57785 -- Mark Twain
57786%
57787Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
57788 -- Stephen Wright
57789%
57790Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
57791 -- Lily Tomlin
57792%
57793Why isn't there some cheap and easy
57794way to prove how much she means to me?
57795%
57796"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
57797you knowing nothing?"
57798 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
57799%
57800Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
57801are another's.
57802 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
57803%
57804Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
57805not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
57806Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
57807do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
57808me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
57809I can't think why not.
57810 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
57811 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
57812%
57813Why not go out on a limb?
57814Isn't that where the fruit is?
57815%
57816Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
57817Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
57818children open their old-fashioned presents.
57819
57820Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
57821
57822You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
57823 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
57824
57825Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
57826 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
57827 and I get this cretin TOP?"
57828
57829Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
57830
57831You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
57832
57833Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
57834 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
57835%
57836Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
57837fresh one for a quarter of the price?
57838%
57839Why was I born with such contemporaries?
57840 -- Oscar Wilde
57841%
57842Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
57843wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
57844unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
57845not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
57846beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
57847incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
57848into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
57849needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
57850origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
57851we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal
57852parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
57853eternity for his faithlessness.
57854 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
57855 Fortnightly Review, 1876
57856%
57857Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
57858 -- Tom Ryan
57859%
57860Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
57861%
57862Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
57863 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
57864when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
57865direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
57866 -- John L. Shelton
57867%
57868Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
57869 -- The Tasmanian Devil
57870%
57871Wiker's Law:
57872 Government expands to absorb all
57873 available revenue and then some.
57874%
57875Wilcox's Law:
57876 A pat on the back is only a few
57877 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
57878%
57879Will Rogers never met you.
57880%
57881Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
57882That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
57883%
57884Will your long-winded speeches never end?
57885What ails you that you keep on arguing?
57886 -- Job 16:3
57887%
57888Williams and Holland's Law:
57889 If enough data is collected,
57890 anything may be proven by statistical methods.
57891%
57892Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
57893See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
57894Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
57895Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
57896
57897Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
57898Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
57899Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
57900Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
57901
57902William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
57903Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
57904Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
57905"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
57906 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
57907%
57908Wilner's Observation:
57909 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
57910%
57911Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
57912 -- Vince Lombardi
57913%
57914Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
57915%
57916Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
57917If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
57918head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
57919 -- Stephen Wright
57920%
57921Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
57922 -- Robert Byrne
57923%
57924Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
57925as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
57926%
57927[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
57928hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
57929 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
57930%
57931Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
57932 -- J. Winter Smith
57933%
57934Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
57935%
57936Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
57937 -- Frank Tyger
57938%
57939Wit, n.:
57940 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
57941 by leaving it out.
57942 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57943%
57944With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
57945try to be a fraud and a half.
57946 -- Otto von Bismarck
57947%
57948With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
57949 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
57950%
57951With all the fancy scientists in the world,
57952why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
57953%
57954With all the talent around, it's sort of
57955amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
57956 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
57957%
57958With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
57959%
57960With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
57961they make a law it's a joke.
57962 -- W. Rogers
57963%
57964With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
57965miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
57966and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
57967is no such thing as progress.
57968 -- Ransom K. Ferm
57969%
57970With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
57971she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
57972 -- Tolstoy
57973%
57974With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
57975%
57976With reasonable men I will reason;
57977with humane men I will plead;
57978but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
57979 -- William Lloyd Garrison
57980%
57981With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
57982celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
57983party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
57984eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
57985parties.
57986 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
57987strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
57988your G.P.A.?"
57989 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
57990the city and forty on the highway."
57991%
57992With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
57993it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
57994close. Like catching snakes.
57995 -- Marlon Brando
57996%
57997Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
57998%
57999Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
58000community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
58001keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
58002Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
58003we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
58004I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
58005them again -- and this time we'd use it.
58006 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
58007 White House's National Security Council, Washington
58008 Post, 21 March, 1982
58009%
58010Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
58011 -- Alfred North Whitehead
58012%
58013Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
58014way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
58015indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
58016important to him than his table or his white robe.
58017 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
58018%
58019Without fools there would be no wisdom.
58020%
58021Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
58022%
58023Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
58024%
58025Without love intelligence is dangerous;
58026without intelligence love is not enough.
58027 -- Ashley Montagu
58028%
58029With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
58030 -- Pink Floyd
58031%
58032Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
58033Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
58034The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
58035 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
58036%
58037Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
58038bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
58039Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
58040%
58041WOLF:
58042 A man who knows all the ankles.
58043%
58044WOMAN:
58045 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
58046 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
58047 -- Bierce
58048%
58049Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
58050Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
58051%
58052Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
58053 -- Dumas
58054%
58055Woman is generally so bad that the difference
58056between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
58057 -- Tolstoy
58058%
58059Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
58060Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
58061 I shall be sober in the morning.
58062%
58063Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
58064out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
58065equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
58066that he might love her.
58067 -- Henry
58068%
58069Woman would be more charming if one could
58070fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
58071 -- DeGourmont
58072%
58073Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
58074 -- Cervantes
58075%
58076Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
58077 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
58078 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
58079 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
58080 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
58081 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
58082 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
58083 -- Rich Kulawiec
58084%
58085Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
58086they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
58087 -- Warren Beatty
58088%
58089Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
58090once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
58091marriage certificates, and defy you.
58092 -- Jerrold
58093%
58094Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
58095from charity, or revenge?
58096 -- Gustave Vapereau
58097%
58098Women are just like men, only different.
58099%
58100Women are like elephants to me: I like to
58101look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
58102 -- W.C. Fields
58103%
58104Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
58105 -- Herold
58106%
58107Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
58108 -- Napoleon
58109%
58110Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
58111 -- Stephens
58112%
58113Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
58114 -- Pogo
58115%
58116Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
58117but it takes more of them to do it.
58118%
58119Women come and go, but BSD is forever.
58120 -- Derek Young
58121%
58122Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
58123categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
58124 -- Ann Landers
58125%
58126Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
58127as good as any other.
58128 -- Philippe De Remi
58129%
58130Women give themselves to God when the
58131Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
58132 -- Arnould
58133%
58134Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
58135but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
58136 -- Wilde
58137%
58138Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
58139crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
58140 -- Ansey
58141%
58142Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
58143In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
58144original earth clinging to the roots.
58145 -- Bierce
58146%
58147Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
58148than men who reason with the head.
58149 -- DeLescure
58150%
58151Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
58152but never a man who misses one.
58153 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
58154%
58155Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
58156us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
58157 -- Wilde
58158%
58159Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
58160them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
58161than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
58162 -- Mort Sahl
58163%
58164Women waste men's lives and think they have
58165indemnified them by a few gracious words.
58166 -- Balzac
58167%
58168Women, when they are not in love, have all
58169the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
58170 -- Balzac
58171%
58172Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
58173always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
58174 -- Balzac
58175%
58176Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
58177%
58178Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
58179not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
58180graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
58181 -- Amiel
58182%
58183Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
58184%
58185Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
58186 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
58187%
58188Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
58189and philosophy begins in wonder.
58190 Socrates, quoting Plato
58191%
58192Wonderful day.
58193Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
58194%
58195Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
58196you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
58197down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
58198tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
58199long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
58200there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
58201come back.
58202
58203Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
58204when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
58205Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
58206cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
58207heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
58208beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
58209and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
58210although their insurance rates went way up.
58211 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
58212%
58213Woodward's Law:
58214 A theory is better than its explanation.
58215%
58216Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
58217Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
58218 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
58219 -- Cheers, Airport V
58220
58221Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
58222Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
58223 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
58224
58225Sam: Beer, Norm?
58226Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
58227 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
58228%
58229Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
58230Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
58231 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
58232
58233Sam: What are you up to Norm?
58234Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
58235 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
58236
58237Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
58238Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
58239 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
58240%
58241Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
58242Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
58243 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
58244
58245Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
58246 swallowed the canary.
58247Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
58248 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
58249
58250Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
58251Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
58252 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
58253%
58254Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
58255Norm: The warranty on my liver.
58256 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
58257
58258Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
58259Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
58260 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
58261
58262Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
58263Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
58264 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
58265%
58266Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
58267Norm: Poor.
58268Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
58269Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
58270 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
58271
58272Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
58273Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
58274 -- Cheers, The Proposal
58275
58276Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
58277Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
58278 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
58279%
58280Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
58281Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
58282 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
58283
58284Sam: How's life treating you?
58285Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
58286 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
58287
58288Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
58289Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
58290Woody: For a beer?
58291Norm: No, for stupid questions.
58292 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
58293%
58294Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
58295Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
58296 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
58297
58298Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
58299Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
58300 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
58301
58302Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
58303Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
58304 Eh, make that one-thirty.
58305 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
58306%
58307Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
58308 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
58309 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
58310%
58311Words are the voice of the heart.
58312%
58313Words can never express what words can never express.
58314%
58315Words have a longer life than deeds.
58316 -- Pindar
58317%
58318Words must be weighed, not counted.
58319%
58320WORK:
58321 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
58322 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
58323%
58324Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
58325Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
58326 -- Mark Twain
58327%
58328Work continues in this area.
58329 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
58330%
58331Work expands to fill the time available.
58332 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
58333%
58334Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
58335the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
58336to do so.
58337 -- Bertrand Russell
58338%
58339Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
58340 -- Schulz
58341%
58342Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
58343 -- Mike Romanoff
58344%
58345Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
58346a handshake, and have fun.
58347 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
58348 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
58349%
58350Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
58351 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
58352any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
58353should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
58354and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
58355bargained for.
58356%
58357Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
58358%
58359Work without a vision is slavery,
58360Vision without work is a pipe dream,
58361But vision with work is the hope of the world.
58362%
58363Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
58364chairs.
58365%
58366Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
58367a valentine.
58368 -- Christopher Plummer
58369%
58370World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
58371since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
58372thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
58373-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
58374together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
58375error in the world."
58376 -- Sydney Harris
58377%
58378World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
58379dress code!
58380%
58381Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
58382It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
58383%
58384Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
58385 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
58386 -- Steve Rubenstein
58387%
58388Worst Month of the Year:
58389 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
58390 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
58391 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
58392 -- Steve Rubenstein
58393%
58394Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
58395 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
58396in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
58397damage my videotapes?"
58398%
58399Worst Vegetable of the Year:
58400 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
58401 -- Steve Rubenstein
58402%
58403Worth seeing?
58404Yes, but not worth going to see.
58405%
58406Worthless.
58407 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
58408 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
58409 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
58410 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
58411 15, 1842.
58412%
58413WOTD:
58414
58415 `
58416
58417%
58418Would it help if I got out and pushed?
58419 -- Princess Leia Organa
58420%
58421Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
58422 -- Alfieri
58423%
58424Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
58425%
58426Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
58427 -- John Heywood
58428%
58429Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
58430%
58431Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
58432%
58433Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
58434%
58435Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
58436stuff ...
58437 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg
58438 trial testimony, 1947
58439%
58440Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
58441 -- George Carlin
58442%
58443"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
58444"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
58445 -- Lewis Carroll
58446%
58447Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
58448a turn-on?
58449 -- "Broadcast News"
58450%
58451Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
58452 -- Mark Twain
58453%
58454Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
58455 -- Anonymous
58456%
58457Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
58458%
58459write-protect tab, n:
58460 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
58461 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
58462 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
58463 inconvenience.
58464 -- Robb Russon
58465%
58466Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
58467witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
58468from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
58469Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
58470and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
58471make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
58472century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
58473Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
58474PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
58475holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
58476is itself the one hope for salvation.
58477 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
58478%
58479Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
58480 -- Frank Zappa
58481%
58482Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
58483%
58484Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
58485paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
58486 -- Gene Fowler
58487%
58488Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
58489 -- J. P. Donleavy
58490%
58491Writing software is more fun than working.
58492%
58493WRONG!
58494%
58495"Wrong," said Renner.
58496
58497"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
58498the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
58499%
58500WYSIWYG:
58501 What You See Is What You Get.
58502%
58503X windows:
58504 Accept any substitute.
58505 If it's broke, don't fix it.
58506 If it ain't broke, fix it.
58507 Form follows malfunction.
58508 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
58509 The trailing edge of software technology.
58510 Armageddon never looked so good.
58511 Japan's secret weapon.
58512 You'll envy the dead.
58513 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
58514 Let it get in YOUR way.
58515 The problem for your problem.
58516 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
58517 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
58518 Simplicity made complex.
58519 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
58520 Flakey and built to stay that way.
58521
58522One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
58523 X windows.
58524%
58525X windows:
58526 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
58527 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
58528 Built to take on the world... and lose!
58529 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
58530 Power tools for Power Fools.
58531 Putting new limits on productivity.
58532 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
58533 Design by counterexample.
58534 A new level of software disintegration.
58535 No hardware is safe.
58536 Do your time.
58537 Rationalization, not realization.
58538 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
58539 Gratuitous incompatibility.
58540 Your mother.
58541 THE user interference management system.
58542 You can't argue with failure.
58543 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
58544
58545The environment of today... tomorrow!
58546 X windows.
58547%
58548X windows:
58549 Something you can be ashamed of.
58550 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
58551 The first fully modular software disaster.
58552 Rome was destroyed in a day.
58553 Warn your friends about it.
58554 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
58555 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
58556 Don't wait for the movie.
58557 Never use it after a big meal.
58558 Need we say less?
58559 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
58560 It'll make your day.
58561 Don't get frustrated without it.
58562 Power tools for power losers.
58563 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
58564 Never had it. Never will.
58565 The software with no visible means of support.
58566 More than just a generation behind.
58567
58568Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
58569 X windows.
58570%
58571X windows:
58572 The ultimate bottleneck.
58573 Flawed beyond belief.
58574 The only thing you have to fear.
58575 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
58576 On autopilot to oblivion.
58577 The joke that kills.
58578 A disgrace you can be proud of.
58579 A mistake carried out to perfection.
58580 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
58581 To err is X windows.
58582 Ignorance is our most important resource.
58583 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
58584 Built to fall apart.
58585 Nullifying centuries of progress.
58586 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
58587 The last thing you need.
58588 The defacto substandard.
58589
58590Elevating brain damage to an art form.
58591 X windows.
58592%
58593X windows:
58594 We will dump no core before its time.
58595 One good crash deserves another.
58596 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
58597 We make excuses.
58598 It didn't even look good on paper.
58599 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
58600 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
58601 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
58602 It could happen to you.
58603 The art of incompetence.
58604 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
58605 When uselessness just isn't enough.
58606 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
58607 When you can't afford to be right.
58608 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
58609
58610If it works, it isn't X windows.
58611%
58612X windows:
58613 You'd better sit down.
58614 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
58615 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
58616 Live the nightmare.
58617 Our bugs run faster.
58618 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
58619 There ARE no rules.
58620 You'll wish we were kidding.
58621 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
58622 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
58623 There's got to be a better way.
58624 The next best thing to keypunching.
58625 Leave the thrashing to us.
58626 We wrote the book on core dumps.
58627 Even your dog won't like it.
58628 More than enough rope.
58629 Garbage at your fingertips.
58630
58631Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
58632 X windows.
58633%
58634Xerox does it again and again and again and...
58635%
58636Xerox never comes up with anything original.
58637%
58638XEROX never does anything original.
58639%
58640XI:
58641 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
58642 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
58643 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
58644 the managers would fly off.
58645XII:
58646 It costs a lot to build bad products.
58647XIII:
58648 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
58649 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
58650 intermingle the two.
58651XIV:
58652 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
58653 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
58654 of every airplane's weight.
58655XV:
58656 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
58657 and two-thirds of the problems.
58658 -- Norman Augustine
58659%
58660XIIdigitation, n.:
58661 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
58662by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
58663 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
58664%
58665XLI:
58666 The more one produces, the less one gets.
58667XLII:
58668 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
58669XLIII:
58670 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
58671XLIV:
58672 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
58673 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
58674 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
58675XLV:
58676 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
58677 unexpected should have been expected.
58678XLVI:
58679 A billion saved is a billion earned.
58680 -- Norman Augustine
58681%
58682XLVII:
58683 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
58684 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
58685XLVIII:
58686 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
58687 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
58688 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
58689 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
58690XLIX:
58691 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
58692L:
58693 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
58694 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
58695 as long as the official's who created it.
58696LI:
58697 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
58698 government workers than there are workers.
58699LII:
58700 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
58701 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
58702 -- Norman Augustine
58703%
58704XML is a giant step in no direction at all.
58705 -- Erik Naggum
58706%
58707XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using
58708enough of it.
58709 -- XML guru Chris Maden
58710%
58711X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
58712they leave to the imagination is the plot.
58713%
58714XVI:
58715 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
58716 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
58717 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
58718 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
58719XVII:
58720 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
58721 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
58722XVIII:
58723 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
58724 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
58725 ten degradation accomplished.
58726XIX:
58727 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
58728 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
58729XX:
58730 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
58731 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
58732 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
58733 -- Norman Augustine
58734%
58735XXI:
58736 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
58737XXII:
58738 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
58739 not selling advice.
58740XXIII:
58741 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
58742 currently estimated.
58743XXIV:
58744 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
58745 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
58746 costly action known to man.
58747XXV:
58748 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
58749 or a new canvas to an artist.
58750 -- Norman Augustine
58751%
58752XXVI:
58753 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
58754 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
58755XXVII:
58756 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
58757XXVIII:
58758 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
58759XXIX:
58760 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
58761 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
58762 hang on about half a decade.
58763XXX:
58764 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
58765 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
58766 -- Norman Augustine
58767%
58768XXXI:
58769 The optimum committee has no members.
58770XXXII:
58771 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
58772 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
58773XXXIII:
58774 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
58775XXXIV:
58776 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
58777 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
58778 randomly.
58779XXXV:
58780 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
58781 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
58782 the data authenticity.
58783 -- Norman Augustine
58784%
58785XXXVI:
58786 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
58787 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
58788 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
58789 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
58790XXXVII:
58791 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
58792 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
58793XXXVIII:
58794 The early bird gets the worm.
58795 The early worm ... gets eaten.
58796XXXIX:
58797 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
58798 the year -- in either direction.
58799XL:
58800 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
58801 -- Norman Augustine
58802%
58803Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
58804%
58805Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
58806goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
58807their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
58808unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
58809doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
58810 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
58811%
58812Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
58813rays and became a tangent ?
58814%
58815Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
58816 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
58817%
58818Yea from the table of my memory
58819I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
58820 -- Hamlet
58821%
58822Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
58823fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
58824operators together.
58825 -- Steve Higgins
58826%
58827"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
58828%
58829Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
58830%
58831Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
58832a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
58833%
58834Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
58835the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
58836a private eye.
58837 -- Calvin
58838%
58839Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
58840but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
58841%
58842YEAR:
58843 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
58844%
58845Year Name James Bond Book
58846---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
5884750's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
588481962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
588491963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
588501964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
588511965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
588521967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
588531967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
588541969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
588551971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
588561973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
588571974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
588581977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
588591979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
588601981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
588611983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
588621983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
588631985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
588641987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
58865 * -- Not a Broccoli production.
58866%
58867Year, n.:
58868 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
58869 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
58870%
58871Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
58872%
58873Yes, but which self do you want to be?
58874%
58875Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat.
58876 -- James D. Nicoll
58877%
58878Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
58879L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
58880 -- Rita Rudner
58881%
58882Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
58883And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
58884Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
58885But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
58886Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
58887I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
58888 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
58889%
58890Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
58891the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
58892 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
58893%
58894Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
58895that order.
58896 -- George Michaelson
58897%
58898Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
58899Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
58900Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
58901 -- Snoopy
58902%
58903Yesterday upon the stair
58904I met a man who wasn't there.
58905He wasn't there again today --
58906I think he's from the CIA.
58907%
58908Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
58909astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
58910I'm not respectable.
58911 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
58912%
58913Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
58914feet.
58915 -- John Cheever
58916%
58917Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
58918 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
58919%
58920Yinkel, n.:
58921 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
58922 hoping no one will notice.
58923 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
58924%
58925You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
58926%
58927You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
58928spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
58929%
58930You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
58931%
58932You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
58933%
58934You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
58935use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
58936the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
58937moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
58938%
58939You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
58940%
58941You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
58942 -- Philip Whalen
58943%
58944You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
58945 -- Sherlock Holmes
58946%
58947You are always busy.
58948%
58949You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
58950%
58951You are an insult to my intelligence!
58952I demand that you log off immediately.
58953%
58954You are as I am with You.
58955%
58956You are capable of planning your future.
58957%
58958You are confused; but this is your normal state.
58959%
58960You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
58961%
58962You are destined to become the commandant of the
58963fighting men of the department of transportation.
58964%
58965You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
58966%
58967You are fairminded, just and loving.
58968%
58969You are false data.
58970%
58971You are farsighted, a good planner,
58972an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
58973%
58974You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
58975%
58976You are going to have a new love affair.
58977%
58978You are here:
58979 ***
58980 ***
58981 *********
58982 *******
58983 *****
58984 ***
58985 *
58986
58987 But you're not all there.
58988%
58989You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
58990%
58991You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
58992%
58993You are in the hall of the mountain king.
58994%
58995You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
58996%
58997You are loved by the multitudes.
58998Have you been to the clinic lately?
58999%
59000You are magnetic in your bearing.
59001%
59002You are never given a wish without also being given the
59003power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
59004 -- R. Bach,
59005 "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
59006%
59007You are not a fool just because you have done
59008something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
59009%
59010You are not dead yet.
59011But watch for further reports.
59012%
59013You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
59014forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
59015avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
59016 -- Ambrose Bierce
59017%
59018You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
59019Please set your clocks back 200 years.
59020%
59021You are number 6! Who is number one?
59022%
59023"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
59024 "All your papers these days look the same;
59025Those William's would be better unread --
59026 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
59027
59028"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
59029 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
59030But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
59031 Made it pointless to think any more."
59032%
59033"You are old, father William," the young man said,
59034 "And your hair has become very white;
59035And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
59036 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
59037
59038"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
59039 "I feared it might injure the brain;
59040But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
59041 Why, I do it again and again."
59042 -- Lewis Carroll
59043%
59044"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
59045 That your lectures bore people to death.
59046Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
59047 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
59048
59049"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
59050 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
59051Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
59052 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
59053%
59054"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
59055 For anything tougher than suet;
59056Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
59057 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
59058
59059"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
59060 And argued each case with my wife;
59061And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
59062 Has lasted the rest of my life."
59063 -- Lewis Carroll
59064%
59065"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
59066 And there isn't one language you like;
59067Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
59068 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
59069
59070"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
59071 "Every language looks equally bad;
59072Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
59073 And don't realize that they've been had."
59074%
59075"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
59076 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
59077Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
59078 Pray what is the reason of that?"
59079
59080"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
59081 "I kept all my limbs very supple
59082By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
59083 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
59084 -- Lewis Carroll
59085%
59086"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
59087 And make errors few people could bear;
59088You complain about everyone's English but yours --
59089 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
59090
59091"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
59092 "But my stature these days is so great
59093That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
59094 And to stop me it's now far too late."
59095%
59096"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
59097 That your eye was as steady as ever;
59098Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
59099 What made you so awfully clever?"
59100
59101"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
59102 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
59103Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
59104 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
59105 -- Lewis Carroll
59106%
59107You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
59108%
59109You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
59110Therefore you have few friends.
59111%
59112You are sick, twisted and perverted.
59113I like that in a person.
59114%
59115You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
59116%
59117"You are *so* lovely."
59118"Yes."
59119"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
59120%
59121You are standing on my toes.
59122%
59123You are taking yourself far too seriously.
59124%
59125You are the only person to ever get this message.
59126%
59127You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
59128points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
59129attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
59130chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
59131gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
59132rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
59133trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
59134vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
59135long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
59136dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
59137head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
59138are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
59139transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
59140to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
59141
59142You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
59143That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
59144To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
59145%
59146You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
59147but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
59148%
59149You ask what a nice girl will do?
59150She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
59151 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
59152%
59153You attempt things that you do not even plan
59154because of your extreme stupidity.
59155%
59156You auto buy now.
59157%
59158"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
59159"Sure. Whaddya got?"
59160 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
59161%
59162You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
59163%
59164You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
59165peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
59166municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
59167courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
59168supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
59169reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
59170between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
59171than a twenty-dollar bill.
59172 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
59173%
59174You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
59175 -- Tim Leary
59176%
59177You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
59178%
59179You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
59180incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
59181Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
59182to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
59183nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
59184they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
59185some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
59186
59187The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
59188pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
59189safety glasses.
59190 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
59191%
59192You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
59193They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
59194%
59195You can approach truth, but never capture it.
59196Lies can be had 'round the corner.
59197 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
59198%
59199You can be replaced by this computer.
59200%
59201You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
59202 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
59203%
59204You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
59205doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
59206 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
59207%
59208You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
59209know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
59210they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
59211they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
59212 -- Quentin Genter
59213%
59214You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
59215 -- Boris Yeltsin
59216%
59217You can cage a swallow, can't you,
59218 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
59219Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
59220 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
59221A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
59222 -- The Palindromist
59223%
59224You can create your own opportunities this week.
59225Blackmail a senior executive.
59226%
59227You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
59228 -- Janis Joplin
59229%
59230You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
59231Why do you find that funny?
59232 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
59233%
59234You can do very well in speculation where
59235land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
59236%
59237You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
59238%
59239You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
59240and the budget is big enough.
59241 -- Joseph E. Levine
59242%
59243You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
59244of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
59245%
59246You can fool some of the people all of the time,
59247and all of the people some of the time,
59248but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
59249%
59250You can fool some of the people some of the time,
59251and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
59252%
59253You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
59254%
59255You can get everything in life you want,
59256if you will help enough other people get what they want.
59257%
59258You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
59259can with just a kind word.
59260 -- Bumper Sticker
59261%
59262You can get much further with a kind word and a
59263gun than you can with a kind word alone.
59264 -- Al Capone
59265 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
59266%
59267You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
59268%
59269You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
59270%
59271You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
59272You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
59273
59274(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
59275 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
59276
59277You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
59278You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
59279(chorus)
59280
59281You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
59282You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
59283(chorus)
59284%
59285You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
59286if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
59287your dog.
59288 -- foolin' around
59289%
59290You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
59291Don't ever count on having both at once.
59292 -- Lazarus Long
59293%
59294You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
59295 -- Joe Valachi
59296%
59297You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
59298for instance.
59299 -- Franklin P. Jones
59300%
59301You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
59302%
59303You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
59304the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
59305 -- Alan Perlis
59306%
59307You can move the world with an idea,
59308but you have to think of it first.
59309%
59310You can never do just one thing.
59311 -- Hardin
59312%
59313You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
59314%
59315You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
59316 -- Jeannette Rankin
59317%
59318You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
59319 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
59320
59321What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
59322 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
59323
59324You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
59325 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
59326%
59327You can now buy more gates with less
59328specifications than at any other time in history.
59329 -- Kenneth Parker
59330%
59331You can observe a lot just by watching.
59332 -- Yogi Berra
59333%
59334You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
59335%
59336You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
59337%
59338You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
59339decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
59340over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
59341 -- F. Allen
59342%
59343You can tell how far we have to go,
59344when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
59345 -- Steven Feiner
59346%
59347You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
59348 -- Norman Douglas
59349%
59350You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
59351%
59352You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
59353 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
59354%
59355You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
59356I've got to have thirty minutes!
59357%
59358You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
59359%
59360You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
59361But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
59362 -- Nathalia Crane
59363%
59364You cannot have a science without measurement.
59365 -- R. W. Hamming
59366%
59367You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
59368%
59369You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
59370%
59371You cannot see the wood for the trees.
59372 -- John Heywood
59373%
59374You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
59375 -- Indira Gandhi
59376%
59377You cannot use your friends and have them too.
59378%
59379You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
59380%
59381You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
59382%
59383You can't cheat an honest man, never give
59384a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
59385 -- W.C. Fields
59386%
59387You can't cheat the phone company.
59388%
59389You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
59390%
59391You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
59392 -- Richard Nixon, 1952
59393%
59394You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
59395 -- Peter Frampton
59396%
59397You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
59398 -- H. H. Munro
59399%
59400"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
59401Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
59402she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
59403children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
59404 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
59405%
59406You can't fall off the floor.
59407%
59408You can't get there from here.
59409%
59410You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
59411%
59412You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
59413 -- Steven Wright
59414%
59415You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
59416 -- Ayn Rand
59417%
59418You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
59419 -- Booker T. Washington
59420%
59421You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
59422%
59423You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
59424%
59425You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
59426only sooner than she thought you would.
59427%
59428You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
59429is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
59430 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
59431%
59432"You can't make a program without broken egos."
59433%
59434You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
59435%
59436You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
59437 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
59438%
59439You can't push on a string.
59440%
59441You can't run away forever,
59442But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
59443 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
59444%
59445You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
59446new way.
59447 -- Will Rogers
59448%
59449You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
59450You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
59451 -- Lauren Bacall
59452%
59453"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
59454 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
59455 Over and Over"
59456%
59457You can't take damsel here now.
59458%
59459You can't take it with you --
59460especially when crossing a state line.
59461%
59462You can't teach people to be lazy --
59463either they have it, or they don't.
59464 -- Dagwood Bumstead
59465%
59466You can't underestimate the power of fear.
59467 -- Tricia Nixon Cox
59468%
59469You climb to reach the summit, but once
59470there, discover that all roads lead down.
59471 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
59472%
59473You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
59474didn't need the first and last month in advance.
59475%
59476You could live a better life, if you
59477had a better mind and a better body.
59478%
59479You couldn't even prove the White House
59480staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
59481 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
59482%
59483You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
59484%
59485You dialed 5483.
59486%
59487You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
59488%
59489You do not have mail.
59490%
59491You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
59492%
59493You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
59494if you're not planning on coming back down.
59495 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
59496%
59497You don't have to explain something you never said.
59498 -- Calvin Coolidge
59499%
59500You don't have to know how the computer
59501works, just how to work the computer.
59502%
59503You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
59504 -- J. D. Salinger
59505%
59506You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
59507 -- Guindon
59508%
59509You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
59510reason to eat with knitting needles.
59511 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
59512%
59513You enjoy the company of other people.
59514%
59515You feel a whole lot more like you do
59516now than you did when you used to.
59517%
59518You fill a much-needed gap.
59519%
59520You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
59521The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
59522which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
59523tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
59524names. Here's the complete text:
59525
59526 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
59527 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
59528 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
59529 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
59530 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
59531 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
59532 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
59533 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
59534
59535The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
59536money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
59537form.
59538 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
59539%
59540You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
59541what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
59542 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
59543%
59544You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
59545%
59546You get what you pay for.
59547 -- Gabriel Biel
59548%
59549You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
59550from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
59551 -- Goethe
59552%
59553You go down to the pickup station,
59554 craving warmth and beauty;
59555You settle for less than fascination --
59556 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
59557And the closing lights strip off the shadows
59558 on this strange new flesh you've found --
59559Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
59560 you hurry to the blackness
59561 and the blankets to lay down an impression
59562 and your loneliness.
59563 -- Joni Mitchell
59564%
59565You got to be very careful if you don't know
59566where you're going, because you might not get there.
59567 -- Yogi Berra
59568%
59569You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
59570And you know it don't come easy ...
59571I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
59572And you know it don't come easy ...
59573%
59574You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
59575Now it's our turn.
59576 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
59577%
59578You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
59579%
59580You had mail.
59581Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
59582%
59583You had some happiness once,
59584but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
59585%
59586You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
59587%
59588You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
59589%
59590You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
59591%
59592You have a message from the operator.
59593%
59594You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
59595A pity that it's totally undeserved.
59596%
59597You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
59598%
59599You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
59600%
59601You have a strong desire for a home
59602and your family interests come first.
59603%
59604You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
59605%
59606You have a truly strong individuality.
59607%
59608You have a will that can be influenced
59609by all with whom you come in contact.
59610%
59611You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
59612
59613This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
59614
59615You are permanently confused.
59616 -- Dave Decot
59617%
59618You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
59619 -- Lois Platford
59620%
59621You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
59622a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
59623 -- Aristophanes
59624%
59625You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
59626%
59627You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
59628%
59629You have an unusual equipment for success.
59630Be sure to use it properly.
59631%
59632You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
59633metal objects which are not fastened down.
59634%
59635You have an unusual understanding of
59636the problems of human relationships.
59637%
59638You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
59639 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
59640%
59641You have been selected for a secret mission.
59642%
59643You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
59644%
59645You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
59646%
59647You have junk mail.
59648%
59649You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
59650%
59651You have mail.
59652%
59653You have many friends and very few living enemies.
59654%
59655You have no real enemies.
59656%
59657You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
59658 -- John Viscount Morley
59659%
59660You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
59661and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
59662%
59663You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
59664wrinkled.
59665%
59666You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
59667You'll learn a lot today.
59668%
59669You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
59670%
59671You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
59672If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
59673 -- Lewis Carroll
59674%
59675You humans are all alike.
59676%
59677You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
59678at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
59679simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
59680%
59681You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
59682 -- Dylan Thomas
59683%
59684You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
59685 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
59686%
59687You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
59688 -- Superchicken
59689%
59690You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
59691you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
59692and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
59693%
59694You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
59695 -- Maharbal
59696%
59697You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
59698you people are all going to owe me big.
59699 -- Bill Paul
59700%
59701You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
59702you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
59703%
59704You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
59705start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
59706 -- Dean Webber
59707%
59708You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
59709 -- Garfield
59710%
59711You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
59712You're not a kid at thirty-three,
59713You play around you lose your wife,
59714You play too long, you lose your life.
59715Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
59716Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
59717%
59718You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
59719are now extinct.
59720 -- M. Somerset Maugham
59721%
59722You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
59723almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel
59724like that all the time.
59725 -- Stephen Wright
59726%
59727You know, the difference between this company and
59728the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
59729%
59730You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
59731anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
59732you can always change the channel.
59733 -- Jim Ignatowski
59734%
59735You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
59736on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
59737 -- Richard Nixon
59738%
59739You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
59740and I had my hands about it.
59741 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
59742%
59743You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
59744is revenge.
59745 -- Peter Beard
59746%
59747You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
59748next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
59749him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
59750meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
59751 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
59752%
59753You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
59754 -- E. A. Gilliam
59755%
59756You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
59757 -- S. Rickly Christian
59758%
59759You know your apartment is small...
59760 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
59761 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
59762 you have to go outside to change your mind.
59763 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
59764%
59765You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
59766 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
59767%
59768You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
59769daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
59770mother is allowed to take.
59771%
59772You know you're in a small town when...
59773 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
59774 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
59775 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
59776 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
59777 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
59778 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
59779 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
59780%
59781You know you're in trouble when...
597821) You wake up face down on the pavement.
597832) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
597843) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
59785 out of the city.
597864) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
597875) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
59788 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
597896) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
59790%
59791You know you're in trouble when...
597921) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
59793 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
597942) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
59795 and there aren't any.
597963) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
597974) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
597985) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
597996) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
59800%
59801You know you're in trouble when...
59802(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
59803 her own business.
59804(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
59805(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
59806(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
59807(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
59808(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
59809 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
59810(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
59811%
59812You know you're in trouble when...
59813(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
59814 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
59815(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
59816(3) Your income tax check bounces.
59817(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
59818(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
59819(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
59820 after you bought a waterbed.
59821(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
59822 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
59823 for your spouse.
59824%
59825You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
59826when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
59827make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
59828chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
59829%
59830You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
59831friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
59832%
59833You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
59834%
59835You learn to write as if to someone else
59836because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
59837%
59838You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
59839%
59840You lived with a man who wore white belts?
59841Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
59842 -- Remington Steele
59843%
59844You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
59845%
59846You look tired.
59847%
59848You love peace.
59849%
59850You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
59851%
59852You may already be a loser.
59853 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
59854%
59855You may be gone tomorrow, but that
59856doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
59857%
59858You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
59859but you're infinitely larger than others.
59860%
59861You may be recognized soon. Hide.
59862%
59863You may be right, I may be crazy,
59864But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
59865 -- Billy Joel
59866%
59867You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
59868is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
59869 -- Sydney Harris
59870%
59871You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
59872That a young man married is a young man marred.
59873 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
59874%
59875You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
59876him.
59877 -- Ed Howe
59878%
59879You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
59880%
59881You may have heard that a dean is
59882to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
59883 -- Alfred Kahn
59884%
59885You may my glories and my state dispose,
59886But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
59887 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
59888%
59889You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
59890you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
59891%
59892You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
59893be sold.
59894%
59895You mean you didn't *know* she was off
59896making lots of little phone companies?
59897%
59898You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
59899success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
59900or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
59901party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
59902 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
59903%
59904You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
59905obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
59906an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
59907 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
59908%
59909You might have mail.
59910%
59911You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
59912now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
59913exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
59914 -- Greg Lehey
59915%
59916You must dine in our cafeteria.
59917You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
59918%
59919You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
59920and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
59921and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
59922bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
59923paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
59924cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
59925gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
59926prosecution for perjury and fraud.
59927 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
59928%
59929You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
59930to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
59931are merely deputies of that one.
59932 -- Nero Wolfe
59933%
59934You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
59935proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
59936%
59937You need more time; and you probably always will.
59938%
59939You need no longer worry about the future.
59940This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
59941%
59942You need not worry about your future.
59943%
59944You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
59945reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
59946the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
59947independence.
59948 -- Charles A. Beard
59949%
59950You never gain something but that you lose something.
59951 -- Thoreau
59952%
59953You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
59954%
59955You never go anywhere without your soul.
59956%
59957You never have to change anything you
59958got up in the middle of the night to write.
59959 -- Saul Bellow
59960%
59961You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
59962%
59963You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
59964beach.
59965%
59966You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
59967 -- William Blake
59968%
59969You never learned anything by doing it right.
59970%
59971You never realize how many friends you
59972have until you rent a house at the beach.
59973%
59974You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
59975got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
59976"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
59977with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
59978guys were getting stoned!
59979 -- Johnny Carson
59980%
59981You now have Asian Flu.
59982%
59983You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
59984you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
59985yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
59986company.
59987 -- J. Wellington Wells
59988%
59989You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
59990%
59991You plan things that you do not even
59992attempt because of your extreme caution.
59993%
59994You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
59995%
59996You prefer the company of the opposite
59997sex, but are well liked by your own.
59998%
59999You probably wouldn't worry about what people
60000think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
60001 -- Olin Miller
60002%
60003You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
60004%
60005You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
60006 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
60007%
60008You say potatoe,
60009And I say potato.
60010You say tomatoe,
60011And I say tomato.
60012Potatoe, potato,
60013Tomatoe, tomato.
60014Let's go be the Vice President...
60015%
60016You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
60017%
60018You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
60019attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
60020takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
60021which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
60022alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
60023Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
60024brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
60025his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
60026order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
60027can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
60028addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
60029the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
60030the useful ones.
60031 -- Sherlock Holmes
60032%
60033You see things; and you say "Why?"
60034But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
60035 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
60036 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
60037%
60038You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
60039his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
60040understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
60041signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
60042there is no cat.
60043 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
60044%
60045You seek to shield those you love
60046and you like the role of the provider.
60047%
60048You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
60049%
60050You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
60051 -- Joseph Conrad
60052%
60053You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
60054%
60055You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
60056if they are dead.
60057%
60058You should go home.
60059%
60060You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
60061incest and folk-dancing.
60062 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
60063%
60064You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
60065about 10^12 to 1.
60066 -- Ernest Rutherford
60067%
60068You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
60069because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
60070 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
60071%
60072You should never wear your best trousers
60073when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
60074 -- Henrik Ibsen
60075%
60076You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
60077contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
60078houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
60079scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
60080summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
60081you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
60082sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
60083 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
60084%
60085You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
60086another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
60087another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
60088such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
60089many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
60090If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
60091should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
60092for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
60093because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
60094chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
60095
60096In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
60097hemorrhoids.
60098 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
60099%
60100"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
60101plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture."
60102 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
60103%
60104You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
60105 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
60106%
60107You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
60108your feet in it and swish them around a little.
60109 -- Guindon
60110%
60111You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
60112%
60113You teach best what you most need to learn.
60114%
60115You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
60116%
60117YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
60118
60119Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
60120a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
60121important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
60122
60123Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
60124to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
60125make really big Zorkmids."
60126
60127MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
60128you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
60129
60130 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
60131%
60132You too can wear a nose mitten.
60133%
60134You tread upon my patience.
60135 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
60136%
60137You two ought to be more careful--
60138your love could drag on for years and years.
60139%
60140You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
60141Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
60142 -- W. G.
60143%
60144You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
60145%
60146You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
60147%
60148You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
60149%
60150You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
60151%
60152You will be advanced socially,
60153without any special effort on your part.
60154%
60155You will be aided greatly by a person
60156whom you thought to be unimportant.
60157%
60158You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
60159a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
60160%
60161You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
60162%
60163You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
60164%
60165You will be awarded some great honor.
60166%
60167You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
60168%
60169You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
60170%
60171You will be dead within a year.
60172%
60173You will be divorced within a year.
60174%
60175You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
60176%
60177You will be held hostage by a radical group.
60178%
60179You will be honored for contributing
60180your time and skill to a worthy cause.
60181%
60182You will be imprisoned for contributing
60183your time and skill to a bank robbery.
60184%
60185You will be married within a year.
60186%
60187You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
60188%
60189You will be misunderstood by everyone.
60190%
60191You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
60192%
60193You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
60194%
60195You will be run over by a beer truck.
60196%
60197You will be run over by a bus.
60198%
60199You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
60200%
60201You will be successful in love.
60202%
60203You will be surprised by a loud noise.
60204%
60205You will be surrounded by luxury.
60206%
60207You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
60208%
60209You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
60210%
60211You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
60212%
60213You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
60214%
60215You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
60216%
60217You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
60218%
60219You will contract a rare disease.
60220%
60221You will engage in a profitable business activity.
60222%
60223You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
60224%
60225You will feel hungry again in another hour.
60226%
60227You will find me drinking gin
60228In the lowest kind of inn,
60229Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
60230 -- G. K. Chesterton
60231%
60232You will forget that you ever knew me.
60233%
60234You will gain money by a fattening action.
60235%
60236You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
60237%
60238You will gain money by an illegal action.
60239%
60240You will gain money by an immoral action.
60241%
60242You will get what you deserve.
60243%
60244You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
60245%
60246You will have a head crash on your private pack.
60247%
60248You will have a long and boring life.
60249%
60250You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
60251%
60252You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
60253%
60254You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
60255%
60256You will have long and healthy life.
60257%
60258You will have many recoverable tape errors.
60259%
60260You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
60261%
60262You will inherit millions of dollars.
60263%
60264You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
60265%
60266You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
60267%
60268You will live to see your grandchildren.
60269%
60270You will lose an important disk file.
60271%
60272You will lose an important tape file.
60273%
60274You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
60275mayonnaise salesman.
60276%
60277You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
60278%
60279You will never amount to much.
60280 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
60281%
60282You will never know hunger.
60283%
60284You will not be elected to public office this year.
60285%
60286You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
60287%
60288You will outgrow your usefulness.
60289%
60290You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
60291%
60292You will pass away very quickly.
60293%
60294You will pay for your sins.
60295If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
60296%
60297You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
60298%
60299You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
60300%
60301You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
60302%
60303You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
60304%
60305You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
60306%
60307You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
60308was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
60309the butter upon a hot day.
60310 -- Sherlock Holmes
60311%
60312You will soon forget this.
60313%
60314You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
60315%
60316You will step on the night soil of many countries.
60317%
60318You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
60319but only because your brakes are defective.
60320%
60321You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
60322%
60323You will triumph over your enemy.
60324%
60325You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
60326%
60327You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
60328%
60329You will wish you hadn't.
60330%
60331You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
60332 -- Frank Hubbard
60333%
60334You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
60335%
60336You worry too much about your job.
60337Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
60338%
60339"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
60340of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
60341Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
60342Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
60343give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
60344momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
60345yourself in this way."
60346 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
60347%
60348You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
60349%
60350You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
60351be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
60352 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
60353%
60354You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
60355taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
60356minute and a huff.
60357 -- Groucho Marx
60358%
60359You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
60360 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
60361%
60362You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
60363%
60364You'll always be,
60365What you always were,
60366Which has nothing to do with,
60367All to do, with her.
60368 -- Company
60369%
60370You'll be called to a post requiring
60371ability in handling groups of people.
60372%
60373You'll be sorry...
60374%
60375You'll feel devilish tonight.
60376Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
60377%
60378You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
60379%
60380You'll never be the man your mother was!
60381%
60382You'll never see all the places, or read all the
60383books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
60384%
60385You'll wish that you had done some of the
60386hard things when they were easier to do.
60387%
60388Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
60389counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
60390experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
60391them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
60392of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
60393have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
60394actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
60395to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
60396principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
60397which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
60398not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
60399nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
60400repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
60401content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
60402compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
60403the defects of both.
60404 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
60405%
60406Young men, hear an old man to whom
60407old men hearkened when he was young.
60408 -- Augustus Caesar
60409%
60410Young men think old men are fools;
60411but old men know young men are fools.
60412 -- George Chapman
60413%
60414Your aim is high and to the right.
60415%
60416Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
60417%
60418Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
60419Don't believe a thing he tells you.
60420%
60421Your best consolation is the hope that the things
60422you failed to get weren't really worth having.
60423%
60424Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
60425%
60426Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
60427%
60428Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
60429%
60430Your business will assume vast proportions.
60431%
60432Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
60433%
60434Your code should be more efficient!
60435%
60436Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
60437%
60438Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
60439%
60440Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
60441from enjoying it.
60442%
60443Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
60444 ...Here's How You Can Tell
60445Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
60446can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
60447listed 10 signs to watch for:
60448 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
60449 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
60450 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
60451 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
60452 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
60453 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
60454 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
60455 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
60456 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
60457 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
60458The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
60459all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
60460 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.
60461
60462 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
60463%
60464Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
60465%
60466Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
60467dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
60468attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
60469minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
60470Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
60471medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
6047225 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
60473seconds if we felt like it.
60474 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
60475%
60476Your domestic life may be harmonious.
60477%
60478Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
60479%
60480Your fault - core dumped
60481%
60482Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
60483EOF
60484%
60485Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
60486%
60487YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
60488 by Miss Fortune
60489
60490AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
60491 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
60492type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
60493Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
60494California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow.
60495
60496PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
60497 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
60498fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
60499bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
60500other discover your good qualities without your help.
60501%
60502YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
60503 by Miss Fortune
60504
60505ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
60506 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
60507sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
60508and you will live all the days of your life.
60509
60510TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
60511 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
60512in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
60513brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
60514miss two car payments.
60515
60516GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
60517 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
60518common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
60519at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
60520Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
60521you meet in court.
60522%
60523YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
60524 by Miss Fortune
60525
60526CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
60527 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
60528you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
60529in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
60530to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
60531
60532LEO (July 23 - August 22)
60533 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
60534heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
60535in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
60536shop.
60537
60538VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
60539 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
60540affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
60541is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
60542career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
60543than people who work standing up.
60544%
60545Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
60546meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
60547 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
60548%
60549Your goose is cooked.
60550(Your current chick is burned up too!)
60551%
60552Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
60553%
60554Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
60555%
60556Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
60557%
60558Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
60559%
60560Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
60561%
60562Your love life will be... interesting.
60563%
60564Your lover will never wish to leave you.
60565%
60566Your lucky color has faded.
60567%
60568Your lucky number has been disconnected.
60569%
60570Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
60571Watch for it everywhere.
60572%
60573Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
60574original and the part that is original is not good.
60575 -- Samuel Johnson
60576%
60577Your mind is the part of you that says,
60578 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
60579... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
60580 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
60581 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
60582%
60583Your mind understands what you have been
60584taught; your heart, what is true.
60585%
60586Your mode of life will be changed for
60587the better because of good news soon.
60588%
60589Your mode of life will be changed for
60590the better because of new developments.
60591%
60592Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
60593%
60594Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
60595%
60596Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
60597Face like ice, a little bit colder
60598She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
60599You learned in school"
60600But I don't really see
60601Why can't we go on as three?
60602 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
60603%
60604Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
60605may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
60606%
60607Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
60608%
60609Your object is to save the world,
60610while still leading a pleasant life.
60611%
60612Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
60613true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
60614mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
60615Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
60616are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
60617change.
60618 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
60619%
60620Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
60621%
60622Your password is pitifully obvious.
60623%
60624Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
60625%
60626Your present plans will be successful.
60627%
60628Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
60629%
60630Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
60631%
60632Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
60633need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
60634picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
60635the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
60636success.
60637 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
60638%
60639Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
60640%
60641Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
60642%
60643Your step will soil many countries.
60644%
60645Your supervisor is thinking about you.
60646%
60647Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
60648%
60649Your temporary financial embarrassment will
60650be relieved in a surprising manner.
60651%
60652Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
60653%
60654Your wig steers the gig.
60655 -- Lord Buckley
60656%
60657Your wise men don't know how it feels
60658To be thick as a brick.
60659 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
60660%
60661Your worship is your furnaces
60662which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
60663have molten bowels; your vision is
60664machines for making more machines.
60665 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
60666%
60667You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
60668%
60669You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
60670 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
60671
60672Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
60673 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
60674
60675When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
60676 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
60677%
60678You're all clear now, kid.
60679Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
60680 -- Han Solo
60681%
60682You're almost as happy as you think you are.
60683%
60684You're already carrying the sphere!
60685%
60686You're always thinking you're gonna be
60687the one that makes 'em act different.
60688 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
60689%
60690You're at the end of the road again.
60691%
60692You're at Witt's End.
60693%
60694You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
60695%
60696You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
60697%
60698You're definitely on their list.
60699The question to ask next is what list it is.
60700%
60701You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
60702 -- Eldridge Cleaver
60703%
60704You're growing out of some of your problems,
60705but there are others that you're growing into.
60706%
60707"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
60708except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
60709 -- Swamp Thing
60710%
60711You're never too old to become younger.
60712 -- Mae West
60713%
60714You're not Dave. Who are you?
60715%
60716You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
60717 -- Dean Martin
60718%
60719You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
60720%
60721You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
60722only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
60723%
60724You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
60725%
60726You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
60727%
60728You're working under a slight handicap.
60729You happen to be human.
60730%
60731Yours is not to reason why,
60732Just to Sail Away.
60733And when you find you have to throw
60734Your Legacy away;
60735Remember life as was it is,
60736And is as it were;
60737Chasing sounds across the galaxy
60738'Till silence is but a blur.
60739 -- QYX.
60740%
60741Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
60742%
60743Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
60744courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
60745 -- Robert F. Kennedy
60746%
60747Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
60748%
60749Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
60750 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
60751%
60752Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
60753 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
60754%
60755Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
60756 -- George Bernard Shaw
60757%
60758Youth is the trustee of posterity.
60759%
60760Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
60761when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
60762%
60763You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
60764 -- Eugene Ionesco
60765%
60766You've been Berkeley'ed!
60767%
60768You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
60769%
60770You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
60771and now you're telling me just to be myself?
60772 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
60773%
60774"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
60775 -- Gary Giddens
60776%
60777You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
60778%
60779"You've got to think about tomorrow!"
60780
60781"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
60782%
60783"Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
60784 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60785%
60786"Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?"
60787 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60788%
60789"Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!"
60790 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60791%
60792"Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?"
60793 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60794%
60795YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
60796%
60797"Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?"
60798 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60799%
60800"Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!"
60801 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60802%
60803"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did
60804to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!"
60805 -- Zippy the Pinhead
60806%
60807YO-YO:
60808 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
60809 (see also Computer).
60810%
60811Zall's Laws:
60812 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
60813 will be wrong.
60814 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
60815 door you're on.
60816%
60817zeal, n:
60818 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
60819%
60820Zero Defects, n.:
60821 The result of shutting down a production line.
60822%
60823Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
60824 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
60825%
60826Zeus gave Leda the bird.
60827%
60828Zisla's Law:
60829 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
60830%
60831Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
60832since I first called my brother's father dad.
60833 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
60834%
60835Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
60836 People are always available for work in the past tense.
60837%
60838When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
60839finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
60840 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
60841 a camera for professional photographers
60842%
60843beachhead:
60844In marketing: a small piece of a market over which you gain control and
60845from which you go out to control other pieces of the market.
60846In war: where soldiers die.
60847%
60848...that FC loop thing sucks.
60849So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
60850wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
60851 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
60852%
60853Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
60854of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
60855rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
60856and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
60857%
60858To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
60859to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
60860servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
60861 -- Theodore Roosevelt
60862%
60863PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
60864daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor
60865or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
60866junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
60867 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
60868%
60869A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
60870%
60871We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
60872power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
60873planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
60874use of this material.
60875 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
60876 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
60877 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
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